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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Fucking furniture
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
... because I'm really pissy right now, and the furniture is asking for it.
Why the hell does my stupid, stupid bed insist on breaking the fuck down in the middle of the fucking night? It's a sleigh bed, and some idiot thought it would be stable with the frames hooking to the end pieces at the very bottom. With a crappy pair of extending rods to support the middle of the box springs. With tiny wee feet, which OF COURSE tumble over and become useless at the slightest hint of movement.
Which is all to say, don't fuck with this bed. Don't fuck IN this bed. Or you will be well and royally screwed.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
By the bed?
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
On the other hand, shagging your bed to bits does give you serious bragging rights ...
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
The bloody thing is bent in the middle. And google has totally failed me, because I can't find anyone else who's had this problem. Seriously?
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Such language from a churchgoing lady! ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
What you need is a platform bed, or some other solid foundation upon which the mattress rests.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink.:
On the other hand, shagging your bed to bits does give you serious bragging rights ...
... I'm thinking this is the way to go with this one.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
I knew a bloke once who managed to break the leg of the bed while entertaining his boyfriend one night.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
The bloody thing is bent in the middle. And google has totally failed me, because I can't find anyone else who's had this problem. Seriously?
Get a cut to shape bit of marine ply.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
I blame the flooring. None of this would have happened with a nice piece of good old-fashioned carpeting. ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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rolyn
Shipmate
# 16840
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink.:
On the other hand, shagging your bed to bits does give you serious bragging rights ...
... I'm thinking this is the way to go with this one.
I've applied the thinking cap to this and haven't managed to get much further than -- I shagged the bed to bits and still my prince/princes didn't come. ![[Snore]](graemlins/snore.gif)
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Change is the only certainty of existence
Posts: 3206 | From: U.K. | Registered: Dec 2011
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
Try a hammock.
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
So is complaining to the internet you shagged your bed to bits a humblebrag ? Or should that be a fumblebrag ?
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Alas, it was no such thing. ![[Waterworks]](graemlins/bawling.gif) All of the fucking and screwing is metaphorical in this particular case. I think the collapse was due to shoddy manufacture and perhaps a couple of rambunctious little boys I was babysitting the day before.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Oh Lordy, just what were those boys doing on the bed? ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
What do all little boys do with a big bouncy bed? Try to see how hard they can hit their heads against the ceiling with it.
[ 14. May 2016, 15:24: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
Just out of curiosity, never having been one myself, but do little girls not do this as well? Does testosterone, or lack thereof, really have that much of an effect by age 5?
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Just out of curiosity, never having been one myself, but do little girls not do this as well?
Yes, yes they do.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Of course they do, but we were discussing LC's boys.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Favourite game when I was 7 or 8 was rolling all the bedclothes to the bottom of the bed. This was the bank and the bed was the pool. I then practised diving.
I'm thinking, chuck the bed frame and put the mattress on Industrial pallets.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I distinctly remember bouncing the bedbase off its perch when visiting an aunt. She replaced before Uncle came home from work.....
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Favourite game when I was 7 or 8 was rolling all the bedclothes to the bottom of the bed. This was the bank and the bed was the pool. I then practised diving.
I'm thinking, chuck the bed frame and put the mattress on Industrial pallets.
Beware wandering about such beds in the dark, though. It's a good way to eff up your ankles and shins. Ouch!
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
I've never really understood box springs,mit seems to be a crosspond thing. Most beds I've slept on have been wooden planks / slats crosswise with on beam lengthways down the centre with a mattress on top.
I imagine you could diy something like that into the bedframe.
[ 14. May 2016, 23:39: Message edited by: Doublethink. ]
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Since we're sharing war stories, when I was about 7, my older sister kicked the bottom of my bunk on our bunk beds so hard it knocked me off of the mattress to the floor and sent the top bunk crashing down on her, on the bottom. I had just seen some horror flick in which a boy had been crushed to death by a rigged canopy bed, and I ran screaming to my parents that Sis was smothered to death! Smothered to death!
You can't just bounce on bunk beds, you gotta get creative.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink.:
I've never really understood box springs,mit seems to be a crosspond thing.
Not at all. A US box spring is basically the same thing as a "divan bed" in the UK. The difference is that in the US, you usually get a separate "bed frame" which has the castors or feet and somewhere to attach a headboard, whereas in the UK the castors are attached to the divan base.
In LC's case, I'm not entirely sure what's "bent in the middle". A box spring shouldn't bend - if the box spring is bent, it is broken. One could, in principle, replace the box spring with slats, but that would probably leave the bed too close to the ground - you probably need the extra height of the box spring to put the top of the mattress at a sensible height.
But otherwise I think Doublethink's suggestion is sound. You don't need a complete set of slats - you only need a couple of beams to support a boxspring, but something that is screwed together so it can't fall off seems like it might be the way to go.
Posts: 5026 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2013
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
Yes it's interesting that in all the beds with box springs and slats to hold them up that I have encountered, the slats are simply laid across between the two side rails, and not attached in any way. I've seen as few as three (for a single bed) and as many as five (for a full or queen, forget which). But none of them were every nailed (or screwed, or bolted, or duct-taped) down.
[ 15. May 2016, 00:31: Message edited by: mousethief ]
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
It is this sort of thing steel frame and the bit that got crumpled is one of the long sides. you ll notice the crosspieces have little feet which means any movement in the head-to-foot direction can easily tip them over--they are not bolted or even very firmly in contact with the long side frame pieces so there's no stability. And of course, once one tips, it is no longer supporting the boxframe above it, which may go plunging floorward -- as ours has done yet again fifteen minutes ago.
The whole contraption might actually work if the pieces making up the outer square of the frame were rigidly attached to one another, but there is just way too much flex in the setup, which means all the crosspieces feel free to tip over with the slightest force (say, A puppy brushes up against the bedside).
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Oops, should have said--ours has no wheels but rather teeny tiny flat disk feet. Which tip as easily as stiletto heels on a wood floor.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Who the hell puts a sleigh bed on kitten heels?
[ 15. May 2016, 04:50: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
More idiots than i can shake a stick at. This was the ONLY style frame available at the major chain store where we bought the new mattress.* There were two models, actually, both alike in design. We got the so-called heavy duty one.
*the bed itself came new with precisely the same crappy design frame. It had problems too.
I'm considering whether to say "screw it" and go for several heaps of bricks. Or just putting the boxspring right down on the floor.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
The bricks would be quaint and rustic...
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Antique bricks, even. We rescued them when St louis decided to take out these weird c shaped halfwalls on our old street. The clay they were made from is probably less than 100 yards away.
Though stubbing my toe on the way to the bathroom could be a whole new level of hurt.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Curiosity killed ...
Ship's Mug
# 11770
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Posted
I was envisioning something different for a box spring having slept for a while on a bed that I always thought of as related to a box spring, but obviously not. I should check that what I am imagining from my reading relates to the reality when reading American novels.
For this bed the springs were part of the bed frame, the mattress was originally a horsehair or similar pallet, a bit like a futon. The bed base looked like this. This bed base slotted into metal fixings on a wooden bed head and foot - fairly solid wood, possibly mahogany, stained that colour if not.
Most of our beds come with slatted bases in wood or metal.
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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat
Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
A few years ago we had to replace mattress and box spring, and it was supernally expensive. So I upgraded the bed frame as well. This is the heavy metal frame which keeps the box spring up off the floor. The ones that come with the mattress set is very cheap. I bought one from the Internet that was much, much sturdier -- heavier metal, two more cross bars, extra legs in the center to support the width of the mattress. It is astonishing what a difference it makes -- the entire thing now is as solid as Gibraltar.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
stubbing my toe on the way to the bathroom could be a whole new level of hurt.
Bring back the chamber pot, Miss Amanda says.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Ariston : "Be a Hellhost, they said. It'll be fun, they said..."
[ 15. May 2016, 19:11: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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mark_in_manchester
not waving, but...
# 15978
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Posted
Wow, that frame is insubstantial. I'd say bricks and some fork-lift pallets would do you great. A shame you don't live closer - our works yard has all you need.
But then I sleep (light sleeper, missus snores) in the attic on a huge and unfortunately slightly-more-than-2D pile of salvaged old leather sofa cushions I'm intending to 'do something with', topped with (ditto) a pile of open-cell foam from the skip at work. Topped again with clean sheets and a pretty quilted bedspread, natch ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)
Posts: 1596 | Registered: Oct 2010
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Whooptidoo. I am now tasked with designing a wooden bedstead which my husband will execute. (Rubs hands) Think of the underbed storage.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Ariston
Insane Unicorn
# 10894
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Ariston : "Be a Hellhost, they said. It'll be fun, they said..."
Well, it's almost a welcome relief from reading about preference aggregation methods in various Commonwealth realms, which seems to be about half of what Hell is these days. Also, I found out that frame-and-slat system that Ikea uses isn't just an Ikea thing, but a Euro thing. So there's that.
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“Therefore, let it be explained that nowhere are the proprieties quite so strictly enforced as in men’s colleges that invite young women guests, especially over-night visitors in the fraternity houses.” Emily Post, 1937.
Posts: 6849 | From: The People's Republic of Balcones | Registered: Jan 2006
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
LC--
You might find Instructables' various bed-building tutorials useful.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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mark_in_manchester
not waving, but...
# 15978
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Posted
Ariston - we can use GK's link to drag us back in the direction currently occupying the _other_ half of hell, if you like.
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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)
Posts: 1596 | Registered: Oct 2010
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mark_in_manchester
not waving, but...
# 15978
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Posted
Missed the edit.
quote:
I'll probably paint it brown soon to match the sheets.
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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)
Posts: 1596 | Registered: Oct 2010
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by mark_in_manchester:
Ariston - we can use GK's link to drag us back in the direction currently occupying the _other_ half of hell, if you like.
No! No! [Cringes and dives ... rats. No "under bed' to speak of at the moment.]
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
I bought one similar to this bed which I do like except being five feet tall I need to use a step to climb in. One day I may be too tottery to manage. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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ArachnidinElmet
Shipmate
# 17346
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Posted
FYI, have just got home from the library, where I was reading the Ship on a public computer. Access to all other pages was perfectly fine, except this thread which was blocked to protect me from Teh Nasty Internets.
Clearly Fucking Furniture is much more Hellish than Fucking Guns.
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'If a pleasant, straight-forward life is not possible then one must try to wriggle through by subtle manoeuvres' - Kafka
Posts: 1887 | From: the rhubarb triangle | Registered: Sep 2012
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ArachnidinElmet:
Clearly Fucking Furniture is much more Hellish than Fucking Guns.
Had this been in the U.S. blocking any discussion of guns could interfere with your Second Amendment rights!
Of course blocking any content could interfere with your First Amendment rights, but we Americans all know that the Second Amendment, as interpreted by the NRA, is the only amendment that really counts.
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by ArachnidinElmet:
FYI, have just got home from the library, where I was reading the Ship on a public computer. Access to all other pages was perfectly fine, except this thread which was blocked to protect me from Teh Nasty Internets.
Clearly Fucking Furniture is much more Hellish than Fucking Guns.
They probably took it as a straightforward adjective (furniture specifically for fucking: a catalogue) rather than a simple intensifier.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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