Posted                      

quote:

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The Knights Templar, Martyrdom, Poetry, Osiris, Missing the Point, Millenarianism, King Arthur, Jesus, Gay clergy, Biblical inerrancy, Atonement Theory, Sacrifice, Restorationism, Myth, Messy Truth, Just War, Horrible Hymns, Golden Age of Early Christianity, Crappy Choruses, Women bishops, Unconditional Election, The Orthodox Plot, The Cross, The Blood of Jesus, Parsifal, Limited Atonement, Calvinism, Arminianism, Total Depravity, Stages of Faith, Speaking in Tongues, Socrates, Richard Wagner Was A Wanker, Personality Types, Neuroticism, Learning Styles, Homer, Exclusivism, Celibacy, Being In Denial, Two Gods, The Myth of the Beneficial Effects of the Death of Jesus, Lamb for the Slaughter, Heroism, Flying Saucers, The Obvious Supremacy of Canadian Methodism, and Penal Substitutionary Atonement.

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• Is Evangelicalism committed to a bimodal modernist ontological dualism?
• Why are all evangelicals stupid?
• Why do no evangelicals have a sense of humour?
• Why do they all hate gays and women so much?
• Did Jesus really have to die?
• How can anyone worship the nasty cruel child-abusing-drunken-father-in-the-sky god invented by Saint Augustine and fobbed off on the entire western Roman Empire in three weeks flat by force or arms?
• How come they don't all leave the Church of England and found their own sects?
• What do they get off on with all this sexual submission stuff?
• What is all this harsh bivalent Western philosophy for?
• What is it about the anti-christian evil and self-contradictory theory of Penal Substitutional Atonement that appeals to these hardline stupid idiots?
• What sort of idiot pretends to believe that Jesus could somehow be both God and man?
• Why do they let Luther edit the Bible for them?
• What went so badly wrong with the Evangelicals that they failed to develop a liturgical vocabulary?
• Where do they go to to have their brains turned into a calcified mass of inert limestone?
• Who made Fred Phelps Archbishop of Canterbury?
• Why do they think there is One Right Answer to every question?
• Why don't they realise that the United Methodistical Congregation of Central Canada is the One True Church because it has all teh gayz in it?
• Do they not realise that the idea that Jesus died to save us from our sins was just a drunken misreading of Homer made by an otherwise obscure mediaeval Pope while buggering his third post-prandial catamite?
• Is evangelicalism an inevitable product of the destruction of True Christianity in western Europe by the Franco-Norman barbarians under the banner of false monkish Augustinianism?
• What is the difference between a young-earth creationist, a fundamentalist, and evangelical, a pentecostalist, and a mass murderer?
• Who was this Paul bloke anyway?
• Why can't they see that the meta-meta-narratives of post-ironic post-post-modernism prove they are all shit and their docrtrin is meaningless drivel that no-one under the age of four hundred and sixteen could believe unless they were using it to oppress the downtrodden white liberal middle classes?
• Why do they believe that Jesus died for us when no-one died for anyone in the Old Testament? It was all a Greek idea, which the whole world forgot until it was revealed to me in a flash of green light after when my roommate threw me to the floor and split my head open one day in college when we'd been drinking rye whiskey all day on top of some ketamine. All Hail King Goat!!!!!!
• Why do they hate gays and women and want to kill all liberal Christians and allow America to be taken over by hordes of slavering undereducated Nigerians?
• Why do they hate women so much?
• Why is it that 112% of all known child abusers are evangelicals?
• Why would weevangelicals chop their legs off rather than study the Bible in its original languages?
• Was God an Astronaut?
• Who cares about Africa anyway?
• Why do they hate us so much?

Posted                          

quote:

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Originally posted by ken:
The full and proper title of this thread being:

quote:

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The Knights Templar, Martyrdom, Poetry, Osiris, Missing the Point, Millenarianism, King Arthur, Jesus, Gay clergy, Biblical inerrancy, Atonement Theory, Sacrifice, Restorationism, Myth, Messy Truth, Just War, Horrible Hymns, Golden Age of Early Christianity, Crappy Choruses, Women bishops, Unconditional Election, The Orthodox Plot, The Cross, The Blood of Jesus, Parsifal, Limited Atonement, Calvinism, Arminianism, Total Depravity, Stages of Faith, Speaking in Tongues, Socrates, Richard Wagner Was A Wanker, Personality Types, Neuroticism, Learning Styles, Homer, Exclusivism, Celibacy, Being In Denial, Two Gods, The Myth of the Beneficial Effects of the Death of Jesus, Lamb for the Slaughter, Heroism, Flying Saucers, The Obvious Supremacy of Canadian Methodism, and Penal Substitutionary Atonement.

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I really think that the Ship has been far too soft on Evangelicals recently.

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Posted                          

Now this is a Hell thread I could sink my teeth into.

But I don't know where to start.

quote:

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Originally posted by Eutychus:
Came in here to see if this was about Bill Johnson, Rick Joyner and co's association with the Knights Templar movement and their subsequent 'knighting' of their faithful all and sundry, found it wasn't, left.

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Totally unfaithful to your namesake. You're supposed to listen, fall off the window sill and be brought back to life by ken.

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a theological scrapbook

Posted                      

quote:

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Originally posted by ken:
I really think that the Ship has been far too soft on Evangelicals recently.

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Posted                       

quote:

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Originally posted by Matt Black:
Ken, thank you for brightening my day

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Posted                      

quote:

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Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:

quote:

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Originally posted by ken:
I really think that the Ship has been far too soft on Evangelicals recently.

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Me too. The fuckin' fundie bastards need to be shot, not argued with!

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Posted                          

quote:

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Originally posted by Matt Black:
Ken, thank you for brightening my day

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Seconded.

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Then the dog ran before, and coming as if he had brought the news, shewed his joy by his fawning and wagging his tail. -- Tobit 11:9 (Douai-Rheims)

Posted                       

quote:

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Originally posted by Alfred E. Neuman:

quote:

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Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:

quote:

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Originally posted by ken:
I really think that the Ship has been far too soft on Evangelicals recently.

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Me too. The fuckin' fundie bastards need to be shot, not argued with!

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That's not the sort of language true Christians use. You should know better.

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Posted                       

quote:

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What went so badly wrong with the Evangelicals that they failed to develop a liturgical vocabulary?

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Posted                      

quote:

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Originally posted by ken:
I really think that the Ship has been far too soft on Evangelicals recently.

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Posted                       

quote:

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Originally posted by Geneviève:

quote:

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What went so badly wrong with the Evangelicals that they failed to develop a liturgical vocabulary?

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This is not a kind, loving, or Christian statement. There's nothing wrong that proper education wouldn't fix.

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Posted                      

ken - you are a genius! (I almost took it personally but am pleased that I didn't)

Gamaliel says

quote:

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Seriously, I know evangelicalism (and all non-Orthodox conservative Christianity in general) comes in for a hard time on these boards, but if there is more behind it than sanctimony, sentiment and Janet-and-John Join-the-Dots theology, then it will be robust enough to bear the brick-bats.

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Posted                      

quote:

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Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:

quote:

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Originally posted by ken:
I really think that the Ship has been far too soft on Evangelicals recently.

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Me too. The fuckin' fundie bastards need to be shot, not argued with!

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quote:

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Originally posted by Mousethief:

Do we even have any pagans?

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If one uses the traditional definition meaning adherents to non-Abrahamic religions, then yes.

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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou

Posted                      

quote:

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Originally posted by lilBuddha:

quote:

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Originally posted by Mousethief:

Do we even have any pagans?

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If one uses the traditional definition meaning adherents to non-Abrahamic religions, then yes.

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Well, yes but I rather meant neopagans such as those of the Wiccan variety.

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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...

Posted                         

quote:

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Originally posted by mousethief:
Well, yes but I rather meant neopagans such as those of the Wiccan variety.

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Posted                          

• Is Evangelicalism committed to a bimodal modernist ontological dualism?
  Irrelevant. Too many long words. Don't you know you can educate yourself right out of saving faith? Tammy Faye Baker said that.
  
  
• Why are all evangelicals stupid?
  They aren't necessarily all stupid. Only deluded. (Dawk. 3:16)
  
  
• Why do no evangelicals have a sense of humour?
  When you can say things like "The Bible is the true Word of God" with a straight face, everything else loses its comedy value.
  
  
• Why do they all hate gays and women so much?
  'Cos the only sex they get is with rent boys on meths. They're only bitter.
  
  
• Did Jesus really have to die?
  No, but don't tell them. They've built their whole religion on this shtick.
  
  
• How can anyone worship the nasty cruel child-abusing-drunken-father-in-the-sky god invented by Saint Augustine and fobbed off on the entire western Roman Empire in three weeks flat by force or arms?
  Because momma and that nice man told them to?
  
  
• How come they don't all leave the Church of England and found their own sects?
  The CofE is good cover - no one would ever think of looking for Christians there.
  
  
• What do they get off on with all this sexual submission stuff?
  Haven't you heard? Evangelicalism is a BDSM club for horsey little rich girls in jodhpurs.
  
  
• What is all this harsh bivalent Western philosophy for?
  Confusing slant-eyes, so their zen magic cannot have power over us.
  
  
• What is it about the anti-christian evil and self-contradictory theory of Penal Substitutional Atonement that appeals to these hardline stupid idiots?
  Just typical Tory hang'em flog'em nonsense on a cosmic scale. A bit gross amongst ourselves, but it appeals to the lower orders.
  
  
• What sort of idiot pretends to believe that Jesus could somehow be both God and man?
  A stupid idiot with "a very vivid imagination" and a fondness for fantasy literature where the laws of physics do not apply?
  
  
• Why do they let Luther edit the Bible for them?
  They tried a Catholic editor first, but it came back too long and smelling of garlic.
  
  
• What went so badly wrong with the Evangelicals that they failed to develop a liturgical vocabulary?
  Liturgy is just one step away from Amateur Dramatics, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more, say no more.
  
  
• Where do they go to to have their brains turned into a calcified mass of inert limestone?
  Church? Bible study? Bible camp? Alpha course?
  
  
• Who made Fred Phelps Archbishop of Canterbury?
  Teh gayz
  
  
• Why do they think there is One Right Answer to every question?
  Well, that's just not true, is it. There are lots of right answers to every question: it's just that all but one will send you straight to the pits of hell.
  
  
• Why don't they realise that the United Methodistical Congregation of Central Canada is the One True Church because it has all teh gayz in it?
  Beats me. Yankee plot?
  
  
• Do they not realise that the idea that Jesus died to save us from our sins was just a drunken misreading of Homer made by an otherwise obscure mediaeval Pope while buggering his third post-prandial catamite?
  Never engage in buggery straight after dinner, that's my motto.
  
  
• Is evangelicalism an inevitable product of the destruction of True Christianity in western Europe by the Franco-Norman barbarians under the banner of false monkish Augustinianism?No. Just the replacement of one absurd fantasy by another one (with worse outfits).
  
  
• What is the difference between a young-earth creationist, a fundamentalist, and evangelical, a pentecostalist, and a mass murderer?
  The police care enough to launch a public enquiry when a mass murderer is killed.
  
  
• Who was this Paul bloke anyway?
  He was one of teh gayz - but very much in the closet.
  
  
• Why can't they see that the meta-meta-narratives of post-ironic post-post-modernism prove they are all shit and their docrtrin is meaningless drivel that no-one under the age of four hundred and sixteen could believe unless they were using it to oppress the downtrodden white liberal middle classes?
  It's hard to see what the building looks like when you are shitting all over the living room carpet.
  
  
• Why do they believe that Jesus died for us when no-one died for anyone in the Old Testament? It was all a Greek idea, which the whole world forgot until it was revealed to me in a flash of green light after when my roommate threw me to the floor and split my head open one day in college when we'd been drinking rye whiskey all day on top of some ketamine. All Hail King Goat!!!!!!
  You obviously had more interesting roommates than I did.
  
  
• Why do they hate gays and women and want to kill all liberal Christians and allow America to be taken over by hordes of slavering undereducated Nigerians?
  That is what their Master, Satan, requires of them.
  
  
• Why do they hate women so much?
  That's the price of a very expensive education. Sorry, not education. Schooling. Education can go hang, so long as you can hit a six, sing the school song v. loudly and take a hot crumpet from behind without blubbing (And they go straight from that sort of School to CU at an old-fashioned university, where they have rampant sex with a girl they met at the Young Conservatives, and project their self-loathing onto the rest of the female gender from there on in).
  
  
• Why is it that 112% of all known child abusers are evangelicals?
  Cos they get better growth stats than the Catholics.
  
  
• Why would weevangelicals chop their legs off rather than study the Bible in its original languages?
  Next you'll be saying how Jesus was foreign!
  
  
• Was God an Astronaut?
  Cosmonaut, surely?
  
  
• Who cares about Africa anyway?
  China does. Well, for a given value of "cares".
  
  
• Why do they hate us so much?
  Because, deep down, we know you have the Truth, we are being convicted by the Holy Spirit, but our natural selves are in rebellion. Either that, or because Evangelicals cling to a brittle, narrow, shallow religion that the rest of us either avoided in the first place, or have since grown out of.

Posted                       

quote:

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Originally posted by RadicalWhig:

• Why don't they realise that the United Methodistical Congregation of Central Canada is the One True Church because it has all teh gayz in it?
  Beats me. Yankee plot?

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Posted                      

quote:

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Originally posted by comet:
that's it. I'm flying to London and stealing ken's thesaurus.

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Posted                       

quote:

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Originally posted by Sioni Sais:

quote:

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Originally posted by Geneviève:

quote:

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What went so badly wrong with the Evangelicals that they failed to develop a liturgical vocabulary?

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This is not a kind, loving, or Christian statement. There's nothing wrong that proper education wouldn't fix.

---

From personal experience they do have a liturgical vocabulary, but any evidence of education is limited. They are keen of 'verbing', hence abominations like 'fellowshipping' and 'impacting prayer'. Extemporare prayer has a lot to answer for too: the great game of counting 'Lord Jesus' against 'Father God' is a handy alternative to listening to these, the most tedious and self-indulgent utterances since 1970's progressive rock music. I really feel for God.

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Posted                          

quote:

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Originally posted by Chapelhead:

quote:

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Originally posted by ken:
I really think that the Ship has been far too soft on Evangelicals recently.

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So long as you remember to love the Evangelicals but hate the Evangelicalism.

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Posted                          

quote:

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Originally posted by ken:

• What sort of idiot pretends to believe that Jesus could somehow be both God and man?

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Posted                       

quote:

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Sometimes they act all hard, as though they have the arguments to end all arguments: they say "Come and have a go (with our theology) if you think you're hard enough" .... and then .... when you do - oooh, look, we are being persecuted, right here right now, quick plug for the important work that the Barnabas Fund does!

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Indeed so unlike the fucking Nicky-Gumbel-stole-my-sweeties liberal whingefests we get on these boards every other day, so obviously motivated by the fact that HTB packs 'em in while The First Church of Liberation Theology and the Painfully Right On has to make do with five distressingly white, straight and unoppressed old grannies who only stay because they're too deaf to understand the latest sermon on how Jesus was really crucified by homophobic priests for being a lesbian. Seriously, I love this thread. I spend half my life observing liberalism and evangelicalism and wondering which irritates the shit out of me more (obviously I know the solution is the join The Plot and spend the rest of my life in a stone cell on Mount Athos chanting 'Lord have mer-see' ten thousand times while banging my head on the floor, which has been especially sharpened for the purpose, but I need time to absorb this).

Anyway, Ken and Radical Whig

Posted                       

quote:

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Originally posted by mousethief:
Actually banging your head on the floor was never in style on Athos. You're thinking of Sinai, maybe, or Scetis.

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Posted                       

quote:

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Originally posted by Sioni Sais:

quote:

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Originally posted by Geneviève:

quote:

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What went so badly wrong with the Evangelicals that they failed to develop a liturgical vocabulary?

---

This is not a kind, loving, or Christian statement. There's nothing wrong that proper education wouldn't fix.

---

From personal experience they do have a liturgical vocabulary, but any evidence of education is limited. They are keen of 'verbing', hence abominations like 'fellowshipping' and 'impacting prayer'. Extemporare prayer has a lot to answer for too: the great game of counting 'Lord Jesus' against 'Father God' is a handy alternative to listening to these, the most tedious and self-indulgent utterances since 1970's progressive rock music. I really feel for God.

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Posted                      

quote:

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Originally posted by Yerevan:
while turning their nose up at the sort of worship The Marginalised in far away countries seem to actually quite like.

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Posted                       

quote:

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There are plenty of women's monasteries that I'm sure would be happy to welcome you!

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But do they bless themselves from the left with two fingers bent slightly inwards or from the right with three fingers bent very inwards? See, I'm nearly ready to be Orthodox...

Posted                       

quote:

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Originally posted by mdijon:

quote:

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Originally posted by Yerevan:
while turning their nose up at the sort of worship The Marginalised in far away countries seem to actually quite like.

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You mean Catholicism?

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Posted                      

quote:

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Originally posted by Yerevan:
See, I'm nearly ready to be Orthodox...

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