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» Ship of Fools   » Ship's Locker   » Limbo   » Heaven: The Miss SoF Pageant (Page 1)

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Source: (consider it) Thread: Heaven: The Miss SoF Pageant
Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32

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Yes, it's time for the blatantly sexist and politically incorrect but still Heavenly Miss Ship of Fools 2002 Pageant. Here's the chance for a female shipmate to acquire bragging rights as SoF's paragon of Post-Victorian Gender Stereotyping.

The Contest will include Rounds such as Talent, Question/Response, and Swimsuit. Viewers will PM me their votes at the end of each Round for their favorite contestants. Whether contestants will be eliminated between Rounds will depend on how many decide to be in...

The Opening Number Round: Each contestant (married shipmates are welcome BTW; the "Miss" is purely ceremonial) will walk down the virtual runway, describe her costume and overall air through the imperfect means of internet posting, and then blurt out a tired cliche about why she's in the contest. Contestants must make an appearance by July 23.

<Orchestra strikes up, Smarmy Host warbles>

From around the world to here they fly,
See how they shine like stars in the sky.
But to solid ground they will come down,
So that we can give one the SoF crown.


Contestant Number One!...


[ 10. March 2003, 01:21: Message edited by: Erin ]

--------------------
Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll

Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
dolphy

Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862

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Contestant Number One appears at the beginning of the Cat Walk..

I am wearing a rather skimpy electric blue silk evening gown, designer label of St Mark and his brother St Sparks. It is very off the shoulder and low cut at both the front and the back, leaving nothing to the imagination [Eek!] It is clinging in all the right places and is the audience is stunned by my beauty. My hair style is natural and soft, and shining with health. I am also wearing a pair of very expensive black higheeled shoes that I can't really walk in but am trying very hard! I have an air of confidence and yet enigmatic about me as I arrive at the microphone. I take the mic in my right hand, and in a quiet, husky and sexy voice tell you all " I am in this contest because I am gorgeous, you know that I am the obvious winner, and you just can't wait to see me in a swimsuit".

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Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.

Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
John Donne

Renaissance Man
# 220

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[enthusiastic wolf whistles, or is this event to classy for that?]
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
dolphy

Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862

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...blushes in a shy and yet seductive way at Coot as she struts her stuff back up the catwalk and into the dressing room..

Bring on the competition!

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Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.

Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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Contestant Number Two appears at the beginning of the Cat Walk..

I am wearing a pale-blue, long, simple dress. The coour is similar to the sky of a perfect summer's day. At the top (which, by the way is neither so low that you can see everything, nor so high that all you see is my neck, but somewhere in between) is a delicate line of blue, tiny, fabric roses. These also compose the straps, which are actually around my arms, at the same level as the neckline. Around my shoulders is a slightly darker blue velvet wrap. Moving downwards, the waistline is high at my hips, coming down to a point below my stomach/derriere. A simple, yet full skirt flows from here, swirling around me as I walk. My shoes are impossibly high, blue, strappy stiletto heeled sandals, which I sashay along in.

I have long, blonde hair (reaching down to my waist), which shines under the harsh lighting, and blue-grey eyes. I am sunkissed, though not deeply tanned, because we all know how bad that is for you [Wink] As I sashay forward, this gives me the opportuinty to show-off all my curves, and my dazzling, radiant smile.

As I reach the mike, I turn slightly to face the compere, which gives me a chance to flick my hair, and pose provocatively for a second. Then I turn back to the audience, take hold of the mike and, smiling sweetly, announce:
'I've entered this competition because I enjoy performing in front of lots of people. And if I win I'll have many opportunities to help change the world, using my fame, wealth and photogenicity.'

One more dazzling, radiant smile, and I sashay off, stage-right.

--------------------
“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

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Robert Porter-Miller

Tiocfaidh Separabit
# 1459

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I've shaved my legs have a false set of boobs and waxed my face and armpits - damn I look soooo convincing walking down the catwalk in my bikini watch me wiggle my bum.

Ahhh!

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It's a beautiful day - don't let it get away - Bono and the boys

Let's all "Release Some Tension"

Posts: 1231 | From: Washington, D.C. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Robert Porter-Miller

Tiocfaidh Separabit
# 1459

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So I guess I'm contestant number 3 then

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It's a beautiful day - don't let it get away - Bono and the boys

Let's all "Release Some Tension"

Posts: 1231 | From: Washington, D.C. | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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[Contestant #4]

Oh, what the hell. OK. I am wearing a fetching little number by Dior in turquoise and gold as I mince down the catwalk in these impossibly elegant shoes, which are killing me. The headdress is a bit wobbly but it’s too late to do anything about it now. When I get back off stage I’m going to sack my dresser. He insists on giving me the sort of outfits he’d like to wear himself, and can’t. If that isn’t vicarious dressing, I don’t know what is.

Meanwhile, I give the assembled crowd a dazzling and charming grin. I’m normally quite confident, friendly, warm and beautiful, except for a regrettable tendency to swear vigorously and throw things when I don’t get my own way. I’m here because I want the money and the publicity, and hopefully to break into films, but I shall tell everybody that the real reason I am here is because I want to be able to give my services to charities that help small children and furry animals.

Having seen the competition, I think I should be OK, just so long as nobody in fishnet tights turns up.

[ 22 July 2002, 18:19: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

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Olorin
Shipmate
# 2010

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Fishnet tights!
Where? [Wink]

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I wrestled with God, and lost by two falls & a submission.

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splosh
Shipmate
# 2743

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Well I guess I am constant number 5.

I step stylishly on to the cat walk, in a full length dress, in a delicate shade of lilac (blue is soo last year [Wink] ). My hair is neatly up at the back of my head, and has little purple butterflies decorating it. The dress is strapless, with a fitted bodice into a fairly full skirt which has a slight train at the back. I glide elegantly along the catwalk. (the dress covers my shoes, so no one can tell, I hace a flat pair of sandles on, to save my ankles!)

I reach the mike smile, my winning smile, and inform the audience that I would love [Heart] to win this competion, as I would like t travel and meet new people. in my mind knowing the money would be great, and it shoudl make me famous.

I then glide off the catwalk.

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Just remember you are one of God's special people

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candleinthedark
Shipmate
# 2361

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[Contestant #6]

I step onto the stage and pause for effect before beginning elegantly to walk up the catwalk. I'm dressed rather differently from your average beauty queen, a long dress in a regal red colour but for a cream strip at the top and straps. It fits closely over my bosom flowing to a few inches above the floor. My long hair is arranged at the back of my head with fresh aromatic flowers nesting delicately in between; a noble posture shows off the glittering necklace I wear.

The audience take this in, never conceiving that the dress was made by my own hands, as I proceed towards the microphone in graceful, gliding steps. Holding the microphone in "fairy liquid" hands I look round at the assembled multitudes and lift a clear voice "I have entered this contest to demonstrate that a woman can be both pretty and intelligent, both and engineer and graceful, both a wife and an individual."

[ 22 July 2002, 18:18: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

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There is no situation so chaotic that God cannot from that situation create something that is surpassingly good. He did it at the creation. He did it at the cross. He is doing it today.
... Bishop Handley Moule

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Ann

Curious
# 94

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Contestant number 94 clambers onto the catwalk with the help of a couple of burly stagehands. As she adjusts her underwear and regains her balance and equanimity, the audience can see that vertical stripes are not slimming when they have “Property of Brighton Beach” stencilled on the back.

Stepping forward on 4-inch stilettos from the dressing up box (it would have been better if she could have found a pair, but the half-inch difference doesn’t show too much), she is assisted in her balance by a Zimmer frame customised with wheels from the “Supermarket Trolley Reject Shop” and go-faster stripes which would have been more effective if they’d been done in non-drip paint.

At the end of the catwalk, she turns to the right. Unfortunately, the Zimmer frame is caught in a gap in the boards and goes straight on; we are assured that the long velvet curtains can be rehung before the next contestant and that the sight of the previous contestants changing for the swimsuit round will not detract from their chances. Contestant number 94 realises that there will be some serious competition for the title of “Miss Beached whale 2002” this year.

As she starts to speak into the microphone, there is a tremendous howl-around, but one of the judges can lip-read and informs the rest that if contestant 94 won’t get up for less than £10,000, next year’s prize money will be reduced accordingly.

It looks as if the prize of a large paper bag with optional eye-holes is a certainty.

--------------------
Ann

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Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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Contestant no. 7 flutters down onto the catwalk, folds her angel wings and continues with carefully practised moonwalk glide. I am dressed in richest red with side fastening, draped over with flowing white and batwing sleeves (OK, cassock and surplice to you) for I am 'Chorister' descended from the heavenly heights (or maybe the choir vestry, where other pretty unreal things tend to happen). I shake my wavy brunette locks (unfortunately not blonde, like most of the angels) and flash my shining teeth in a most engaging manner.

I have entered this competition because I'd like to teach the world to sing I smilingly say to the judges, before shimmying offstage.

[Contestant Number changed]

[ 22 July 2002, 18:20: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

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Viola
Administrator
# 20

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Contestant Number (no - I'm sorry - I can't wear a number badge - I've nowhere to pin it)

[For the viewers at home, this is Contestant #8]

Dressed in elegant black (just stepped up from the orchestra pit in my high heeled boots in order to enter), I swish my velvet, silver trimmed cloak aside to reveal that I am clad in a tight fitting corset, small lacy skirt, and (be still you boys) those fishnets that someone was lusting after.

This competition means so much to me. I will use my prize money to win friends and influence people. Beginning with the judges of next year's competition.

Choose me - you know it makes sense

[Heart] [Big Grin]

[ 22 July 2002, 18:21: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

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"If ye love me, keep my commandments" John 14:15

"Commandment number one: shut the hell up." Erin Etheredge 1971-2010

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duchess

Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764

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[Contestant #9]

I walked down in the stage in high, elegant Italian sandals...wearing a silky black shimmering strapeless dress. I have sparkly earrings, my long auburnish-brown hair is swept up...my eyes are glistening from tears...I smile a plastic red lipstick smile...my pale skin shines with all the sparkly power I put on before going on stage.

I grab the microphone and say..."I am here to save the world...and do my part for mankind".

I bat my eyes, fight back the tears...and shake my jiggly butt off stage, almost falling over careless wire somebody left out and caught in my left heel. Da nerve!

[Text quoted from OP removed per poster's request]

[ 22 July 2002, 18:23: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party

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clare
Contributing Editor
# 17

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[Contestant #10]

I am wearing a searsucker blouse and skirt which is a marvel becasue it doesn't crease and they were selling them reduced in the marks and sparks summer sale. Mrs Scott from down the road has bought one as well, but hers is in the bluey green one and blue isn't really my colour so i got the greeny browny one. I've got a nice cardie on in case it gets cold, it's in a tan colour which is so practical it just goes with everything I don't know what i'd do without it. I though about wearing a hat but i don't really think that's the fashionable thing to do now, so i've just got my hair set nicely by sharon and, of course, had it dyed a light brown colour to hide the grey but don't tell your dad now. I've brushed my hair because it does look nicer when it's brushed.

The shoes are almost wearing out and I don't know what i'll do when they finally go because I haven't had some this comfortable in ages. They don't have much of a heel but then I never did like heels much, and they slip on very easily if you need to pop down the garden to put the compost out. The dark brown goes quite well with the cardie I think, really dark brown goes with everything very well. So useful.

I didn't know what to wear round my neck but these simple beads don't detract from the check pattern of the dress and in a red I think they're nice and jolly. I do find it dreary all these young people who wear black all the time... even to weddings! It is a shame. Oh yes, and I've put on my lipstick since it's a special occassion. Is it all right to carry my handbag like this, or do I leave it behind the scenes? Actually, I think I'll take it with me if you don't mind, you never know when you might need a Kleenex.

Now, I'll just say my piece and then shall we pop out and find somewhere for a cup of tea?

"Hello everybody! Thank you for inviting me. I'm here on behalf of Mums making the world just a slightly nicer place where people write thank you letters and they don't suddenly muddle round which aisle the eggs are in at the supermarket. Thank you."

"and i really would prefer to be 'Mrs.' if you don't mind..."

[ 22 July 2002, 18:23: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

Posts: 2317 | From: edge of the peak district | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
zandolit

Shipmate
# 346

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Enter contestant Number - what number are we on now?

[You would be Contestant #11; with Contestant #94, there are 12 in total so far]

Zandolit enters the stage. Starting from the top, we see a young lady with a rather scruffy head of mousy-brown hair, still damp from either sweat or the late afternoon shower, or, as is more likely, both. It also appears that the large floppy hat clutched in her left hand has been on her head for most of the day, also contributing to the unruly mop. Tucked behind her ear at a jaunty angle is a well-used pencil. As she reaches up to arrange a stray lock of hair behind her ear, leaving a smudge of dirt on her sweat-glistened cheeks, we see that her fingernails also have quite a bit of dirt underneath them.

A damp, sweaty and rather dirty bright orange tank top clings to her upper body and she has a gray sports bra underneath, also sweat-stained. She is wearing olive-green cargo pants (also bearing evidence of hard wear and mud stains) – the sort that can be unzipped to transform them into a pair of shorts, though at the moment she is wearing them to the full length. On her right hip is holstered a pair of pruning shears, and the pockets of her cargo pants bulge with various and sundry objects.

As she walks down the catwalk toward the microphone, her heavy CSA-approved steel-toed work boots make a rather loud clunking sound that echoes throughout the silent hall, and she leaves a trail of mud behind her. She ambles up to the microphone, squints and shades her eyes from the bright lights, trying to make out the shadowy faces in the crowd, and says “How the hell did I end up here?”

[ 22 July 2002, 18:25: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

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Senye, nou kontan se ou kap kenbe nou e se pa nou kap kenbe ou

Posts: 185 | From: Britain's oldest recorded town | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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(Aside) No way. I don't care how many bottles of champagne he has in his dressing room - oh ... really? Wow. Are you sure? And just how do you know? Make that a definite maybe.
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32

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<Austin Powers>

That Contestant #3 is one exotic bird, I'll tell you wot. There's something mysterious about her, like she has some sort of secret. God, she's making me randy--I'd like to sh--

...excuse me?...oh...never mind...

</Austin Powers>

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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll

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QLib

Bad Example
# 43

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Qlib stomps on in non-descript clothing and walking boots, dumps pile of poo on stage and stomps off again.

[That would be Contestant #12 then.

Oh, Cleanup Crew...]

[ 22 July 2002, 20:51: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

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Tradition is the handing down of the flame, not the worship of the ashes Gustav Mahler.

Posts: 8913 | From: Page 28 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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quote:
Originally posted by splosh:
(blue is soo last year [Wink] )

Behind the scenes, in the dressing room, Contestant #2 fetches #5 a rather nifty right-hook, and points out that it doesn't matter how up-to-date #5's clothes are, they still make her look like a sack of potatoes. Contestant #5 collapses on the floor, and bursts into tears.

Other contestants look on admiringly, wishing they could floor people as well as #2, both physically and verbally.

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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

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Clíona
Shipmate
# 2035

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[Contestant #13]

The dark-haired beauty slips gracefully onto the stage as the crowd gasps in awe.

Wearing a long red gown with shimmering gold threads shot through it, this contestant glides down the catwalk, oozing with sexiness.

With a coquettish flutter of her long dark eyebrows, she turns her head to one side and entones in a smoky, jazz-singer voice:
"My aim in life is to win this beauty contest. And to attain world peace."

[ 22 July 2002, 22:52: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

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Starting (yet) again...

Posts: 1262 | From: Back in Dublin | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
splosh
Shipmate
# 2743

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Contestant #5, decides that violent is not the way forward, so instead, swaps the hairspray of constestant #2 with blue hair colour to match her dress. THus causing #2 to have bright blue hair [Snigger]

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Just remember you are one of God's special people

Posts: 1371 | From: Slightly less north than before | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged
Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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(Aside) I really don't know if I can go through with this. He's even less attractive close up, and I don't believe his brother owns half of Hollywood. And the audience look weird. Most of them are wearing grubby raincoats, and that guy over there is literally drooling over his copy of "Fishnet Weekly". Isn't this all just a symbol of heterosexist oppression designed to keep womyn subordinate by making them feel less sisterly towards one another and more insecure about their body images? How is that good? Oh ... uh huh ... right ... yep ... did he? ... go for the vegetable korma, it was really good last time.
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Cosmo
Shipmate
# 117

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[Contestant #14]

Fr Buskin sweeps onto the stage in a practiced movement. Dressed in an appealing little off-the-shoulder chasuble, perch-back biretta and a maniple dangling from his wrist like a clutch (yes, that's cLutch) he processes down the aisle, sorry, walkway with a most experienced gait. Pausing only to cuff one of his acolytes with a perforated spoon, he doffs the biretta graciously at one of the judges (the Spanish Maitre d'Hotel called 'Jesus' who Fr Buskin has always enjoyed dropping into conversation - 'Oh, yes, Jesus can always get me a table' - and with whom he has had many an enjoyable evening down the 'Jolly Farmers') before making his way back to the vestry, err, changing room.

None of the other contestants can match his grace under pressure, his sheer range of colour and costumery and his willingness to go Head-to-Head with 'Mad Gin Lizzie' on shots of Tanq.

Truly his all round talents make him a force to be reckoned with.

From the ringside,

Cosmo

[ 22 July 2002, 23:18: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

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Cosmo
Shipmate
# 117

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Oh yes, his favourite colour is 'Rose-pink - only worn twice a year you know, and then NEVER in effiminate pink'. He then pulls out a violet cream and trots off to St Erkenwald's for High Mass, Solemn Benediction, Procession of the Relic and Tea.

Cosmo

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Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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I am waiting with baited breath for newcomer Brimshack Gunnaheave [Projectile] to put in an appearance - with a name like that s(he) is surely going to steal the show!

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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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Unlike Contestant #5, #2 isn't stupid, so she grins contemptuously when notices the attempted switch, and uses proper hair spray.

Really, #5 should just grow up.

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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

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The Mid

Officer and a gentleman
# 1559

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Everyone do their best to get Erin into the competition and keep her going in it - I want her in a bikini!! [Devil]

Incidentally, I should let all the contestants know that I have certain sway over the judging, if you know what I mean. Any favours or....something else wouldn't go unnoticed, if you know what I mean!! [Snigger] [Razz]

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For God so loved the world She got involved

Posts: 3022 | From: The Wardroom | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rowen
Shipmate
# 1194

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Contestant number 15 is me! I am wearing a long, off cream alb, with shoulder pads, and a sweetly pretty royal blue scarf, fetchingly draped across my shoulders and down my front. It has an embroidered bird and cross thing on both bottom ends, and seems to be the logo of the denomination that employs me, and is sposoring me for this event. Because it is mid-winter here, I am wearing knee high sheepskin boots, colloquially called "uggs" that shyly peep out the bottom of the robe. My asseccories are stunning- because I work in a hospital I have tucked a pager into my pocket, and clipped an ID card to my colllar. Like all ID cards, the world over, the photo of me on it is remarkable for its interestingness... (What more could I say? We all KNOW ID photos, don't we). I am clutching a bible and a box of tissues. I have a kind, somewhat anxious. tired look on my face, and those who see me walking up the stairs to the stage- my support crew- yell out "You are an angel, Rowen!". They are all here today in wheelchairs with drips.
"Thankyou all. I know I deserve to win, just because I am clergy and humble and compassionate and wise and....". [Big Grin] [Big Grin]

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"May I live this day… compassionate of heart" (John O’Donoghue)...

Posts: 4897 | From: Somewhere cold in Victoria, Australia | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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... "and with whom he has had many an enjoyable evening down the 'Jolly Farmers'" ...

<tangent> Ooh, get her. The only thing I remember about the Jolly Farmers was that someone once actually pinched my backside as I walked through the door. Imagine my surprise when I discovered the perpetrator was not a woman. </tangent>

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McChicken
Shipmate
# 2555

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Congrats Rowen, I think you just swayed the Antipodean vote: ugg boots are CLASSY. [Cool]

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"We're not playing tiddly-winks here mate."
"While the opposite of a true statement is a false statement, the opposite of a profound truth can be another profound truth."

Posts: 634 | From: Ko Ngati Pakeha raua ko Ngai Tahu ahau | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
Jonah the Whale

Ship's pet cetacean
# 1244

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quote:
Originally posted by Qlib:
Qlib stomps on in non-descript clothing and walking boots, dumps pile of poo on stage and stomps off again.

[That would be Contestant #12 then.

Oh, Cleanup Crew...]

No Belisarius, I think that is a feminist protester, not a contestant. Though if you insist on giving her an entry number she might swing some of the more enlightened votes her way.

quote:
Originally posted by The Mid:
Incidentally, I should let all the contestants know that I have certain sway over the judging

Yeah, right, sure. Me too.
Posts: 2799 | From: Nether Regions | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ian Climacus

Liturgical Slattern
# 944

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And now for something completely different:
Mighty Miss Tubby

Oh, I'm torn between Rowen and the Antipodean vote - Ugg boots indeed! - and the devil-may-care attitude of Clare and Ann.

[Confused] [Confused] [Confused]

Posts: 7800 | From: On the border | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32

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quote:
Originally posted by Admiral Holder:
And now for something completely different:
Mighty Miss Tubby


Not to be confused with Mrs. Tubbs, I hope.

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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll

Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32

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quote:
Originally posted by Qlib:
Qlib stomps on in non-descript clothing and walking boots, dumps pile of poo on stage and stomps off again.

quote:
Originally posted by Cuttlefish:
...I think that is a feminist protester, not a contestant.

So that wasn't performance art for the Talent Round? [Razz]

quote:

...if you insist on giving her an entry number she might swing some...votes her way.

It's called "Poetic Justice." [Devil]

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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll

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The Mid

Officer and a gentleman
# 1559

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I just watched Carry On Girls again after reading this thread.

I wonder....

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For God so loved the world She got involved

Posts: 3022 | From: The Wardroom | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
John Donne

Renaissance Man
# 220

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So difficult. Sweet daring Dolphy who took the plunge and went first, not knowing whether Belisarius' thread would be a flop or not. Ariel, beautiful, cynical and sophisticated. But Rowen was a definite loin-stirrer, women in uniform fair set the blood racing. And if only she was wearing a collar and waistcoat, she would be the contestant to lay down and die for.

I am of course, saving my most enthusiastic response for Miss Molly.

Where is Nunc? I think Viola has plundered her wardrobe!

Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Katie H. L.
Shipmate
# 1996

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(Contestant #16)

Z.C. strides onto the stage, wearing...leather. From the top of her fetching leather cap to the pointed toes of her 6-inch thigh-high boots, she is a vision that brings a collective gasp to audience and judges alike. A leather corset and micro-mini adhere like a second skin to her slender form. Her jet-black hair is pulled back in a severe-yet-feminine upsweep, which accentuates her pale skin and finely-molded features. In her black gloved hand she carries an extremely authoritative-looking riding crop. As she gazes imperiously over the crowd, her stern glance falls on the judges.

"You will address me as Mistress Ship-of Fools. This competition is over and I have won, as all the other contestants ran shrieking out of the theater when they beheld my glory. I have spoken! Hear and obey!"

She points her riding crop at one of the judges, who scrambles up to the stage and cowers at her feet. As security approaches the stage, she grabs the hapless judge by the ear and drags him off into the night.

The judges confer briefly. Terrifying the other contestants and stealing a judge should disqualify her, yet they retain strangely compelling memories of those steely blue eyes....

The contest continues.

Katie

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Katie L. just using her middle initial for a while.

Posts: 606 | From: San Francisco, USA | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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Not at all sure about the other contestants. Ann seems the most likely to win.

Coot, I’ve always liked you, although you don’t know enough directors, producers and casting agencies for me to want to take it further, but I am realistic enough to know that I'm unlikely to get any votes. I’ve found that a combination of dark red hair and sparkling, expressive blue eyes does not go down well with voters who want the more traditional sort of blonde bimbo. There's not much I wouldn't do to improve my chances, including taking out Australian citizenship for the duration, but it might be better to be Brazilian instead, as everyone knows Brazil always win things.

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Rowen
Shipmate
# 1194

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After a busy day of being all things to a lot of people, because flu has struck the Chaplaincy Department, Rowen begans to adorn her alb with many cutesy items, thus determining her dress to be Greek Orthodox, Catholic, departmental tea-maker and secretary, Anglican, Buddhist, Continuing Presybterian, Jewish and yet still distinctively Unting Church. Such an adaptable pageant outfit must surely impress the judges...

The ugg boots remain the same- classy. [Big Grin]

(She sends a package of bribes to the judging panel... wafers, a loaf of bread, small cubes of bread, unleavened crackers, wine, grape juice and last-minute-panic blackcurrant juice. Will this sway the vote in her favour?) [Big Grin]

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"May I live this day… compassionate of heart" (John O’Donoghue)...

Posts: 4897 | From: Somewhere cold in Victoria, Australia | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rowen
Shipmate
# 1194

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(oh- and some of the bribes were blessed by women, and some by men, and some by men who were never ordained by women, and some who were, and some who can't remember...)
What could beat a bribe like that?
[Big Grin]

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"May I live this day… compassionate of heart" (John O’Donoghue)...

Posts: 4897 | From: Somewhere cold in Victoria, Australia | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
dolphy

Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862

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Dolphy sneaks out of her dressing room wearing nothing but a sexy silk dressing gown and black underware... in her hand she has a bottle of the most expensive champagne and two glasses... off in search of the Mid. [Snigger]

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Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.

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Firenze

Ordinary decent pagan
# 619

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OK. Clear the decks. Take small children and animals indoors.

#17 is here.

To the sound of trumpets, blue velvet drapes rise to reveal a snowy landscape. From a midnight blue sky, snowflakes drift down over a shimmering forest. Branches part to reveal a glittering vision: an aureole of diamonds surrounds piled masses of platinum hair. More diamonds stud a dresses that slithers over voluptuous curves, parting halfway down, like a waterfall, to reveal a slender leg and foot wearing 7" stilletos. The arms are bare except for braclets of brilliants. The slender fingers wear white jewels the size of gobstoppers. The face is perfectly white apart from grey eyes rimmed with lashes that could knock ornaments off mantelpieces. And scarlet lips like twin satin cushions.

The vision shimmers the length of the catwalk to the microphone, looks langorously at the judges, and breathes: 'I'd like to travel - and believe me, I know how to get around. And be kind to - animals. So why not come up and see me sometime?'

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Olorin
Shipmate
# 2010

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Hello little lady, wont you step into my parlour?
I'm one of the sponsors of this delightful contest. I am Ole 'horin master of Fishnet international, purveyors of ladies lingerie & gentlemans magazines. I actually employ three of the judges, so.... [Snigger]

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I wrestled with God, and lost by two falls & a submission.

Posts: 390 | From: Hammersmith, London | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
clare
Contributing Editor
# 17

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[contestant number 10]

hello contestant number seventeen. I was just wondering if you needed a plaster for those blisters... those shoes are rather tight aren't they? I think you're very brave to wear them, but I would recommend a band-aid before they rub any further. And you do realise it gets a bit chilly in the evenings here... I've got some spare jumpers in my suitcase if you wanted to borrow one, there's no point in shivering you know! One of them has got a nice shetland pattern on it, and it's not too itchy which is sometimes a problem with the really warm jumpers. And do pop in for a tea anytime, I've bought my own teabags, kettle and a socket converter, since you never can trust people to make good stong tea at these places I find. So handy just to be able to make one whenever you want - there's so much hanging around at these events isn't there!

Posts: 2317 | From: edge of the peak district | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
blackbird
Shipmate
# 1387

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"ladies and gentlemen....contestant #18"

(to the tune of "wild thing")

barefoot, wearing a snakeskin bikini, red nailpolish and dark sunglasses.

Posts: 1236 | From: usa | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
John Donne

Renaissance Man
# 220

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No. 17 managed to top Z.C's 6" thigh highs with 7" stilettos! Do we have any advance on 7" stilettos? Something a bit special is called for, as No. 17 is a strong contender on the grounds of inserting the word 'aureole' into her description.

Ladies knitting in the front row:
Lady 1: Do you 'spect these are all good christian girls, pet?
Lady 2: Yes. Yes. 'Spect so, love.
Lady 1: No. 3 let herself go a bit do ya think, pet?
Lady 2: Ooooh yesss, love.
Lady 1: But No. 14. Pet- Love- Pet- she'd be the only one I'd be happy for my Christopher to bring home.

Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
dolphy

Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862

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(Since I can't find the Mid I shall sneak my way with the champagne and all my sexy silkyness in the direction of the Coot... I just know that I am going to win this competition! When is the swimming cozy round starting?!!!... Oh Coot, where are you?!!!)

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Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.

Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
blackbird
Shipmate
# 1387

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(some people have to be told everything...i prefer a man who can figure it out for himself. [Wink] )

swimming contest is just down the corridor love, hurry up now, you don't want to be late!

Posts: 1236 | From: usa | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged



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