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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Hell: The Kingdom of Gerald
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
This thread is now open for counselling, corporal worship, corporate punishment, lay insubordination, endless whingeing and banal drivel.
{title amended}
[ 11. November 2014, 20:19: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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starbelly
but you can call me Neil
# 25
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Posted
Well, I am looking for a life changing tract to give to my German, Transexual, ginger haired, bank clerk friend. He has big intrest in Persian Cats and goes cycling every year in Luxembourg.
Can you suggest anything?
Neil
Posts: 6009 | From: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. | Registered: May 2001
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Wood
The Milkman of Human Kindness
# 7
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Posted
Reverend Gerald
I wonder if you can help.
No one takes any notice of me. What can one do?
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Narcissism.
Posts: 7842 | From: Wood Towers | Registered: Apr 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Sibling Starbelly
How about "Surely There's No Harm in One Can of Shandy!" by Rev. Gerald Ambulance (no relation)?
It has many compelling illustrations of sin and debauchery, culminating in graphic hellish torments.
Guaranteed to bring the most hardened fornicater to his knees (or hers these days!).
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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babybear
Bear faced and cheeky with it
# 34
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Posted
Dear Rev.,
It is so nice to see you back once again. Your cyber flock have scattered to the distant corners of the net. Sibling Coot stuffed up mightly in looking after your sheep. He had however spent time in Purgatory, and I hear that he is being 'bumped up' to Heaven soon.
Have you any plans for celebrating Harvest? Perhaps you have been graced by God in receiving a new worship song?
Sibling bear
Posts: 13287 | From: Cottage of the 3 Bears (and The Gremlin) | Registered: May 2001
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
Welcome back, you old fraud. I note that your church plant has not been particularly successful. Trolling for new parishioners in the halls of the damned, are we?
There have been a few bureaucratic changes since you last graced us with your presence. Tithe is now seventeen percent, and we require Proof of Insurance before you can dispense advice. Reports (and payment) are due on the second and fourth Thursdays. We accept sterling, Euros, US, Canadian, and Australian dollars, as well as yen.
Oh, yes, and there is a flat-rate sexton's fee depending on the traffic on the thread. You have a tendency not to clean up your messes and things were becoming untidy. You are still responsible for fixing your own UBB code, as well as that of any troubled person stupid enough to solicit your advice. You have administrative privileges; use them.
Be sure and visit your thread often so that people will have a response regularly. If you're going to be an agony aunt, behave like one.
I will also be making up new rules occasionally that you will be required to observe retroactively.
Have a nice day.
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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homerj
Shipmate
# 324
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Posted
Dear Rev
I am perplexed by a problem a friend posed to me recently.
she want's to know the correct theological precedent for walking to church. Does one start with the left or right foot? what pace should one set?
I'm afraid that she will be unable to attend church until i have answered her important questions, and i am at a loss
please help!
homerj
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The grass is only greener on the other side of the fence because it is pissing it down with rain over there
Posts: 304 | From: slipping into Essex | Registered: May 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Sibling Bear
Your cyber flock have scattered to the distant corners of the net. Sibling Coot stuffed up mightly in looking after your sheep.
Sibling Coot is indeed a beloved yoke-fellow in the threshing of the faithful. But if there's one thing that cannot be accepted in the shepherding of the sheep, it's "stuffing up". I think we're agreed on that.
Have you any plans for celebrating Harvest? Perhaps you have been graced by God in receiving a new worship song?
We do not celebrate harvest festival in St Ursula's as it really a fertility rite of pagan origin.
So instead, like all true Christians, we celebrate the biblical feast of Tabernacles. Rather than bringing such unspiritual things as spaghetti and cuppa soups into church, we set up 12 tents, around the sacred altar of the Lord.
Then the young women of the Liturgical Virgins Combo dance around the huge pole on the altar with tambourines and loud hallelujahs, claiming the victory over the territorial spirits of Lewisham, and spirinkling oil on each other. It's a moving occasion, very popular.
As for the hymn I'll have to get back to you.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Dearly Beloved Sibling Tomb
Up thine.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Wood
The Milkman of Human Kindness
# 7
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Posted
So, now that I have exstablished that people do, in fact, ignore me, I wonder, Rev. Gerald, whether there is a ministry for me in jumping up and down and screaming evangelism?
I'll be at St. Ursula's on Sunday.
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Narcissism.
Posts: 7842 | From: Wood Towers | Registered: Apr 2001
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
Your Geraldness, I am very tall. Should I bow my head as I emerge into the aisle from the Choir vestry door, or is this not liturgically correct?
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Zach82
Shipmate
# 3208
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Posted
Rev Gerald, my congregation has proven unwilling to worship in the manner which I prefer. How shall I amend their short-sightedness?
Zach
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Don't give up yet, no, don't ever quit/ There's always a chance of a critical hit. Ghost Mice
Posts: 9148 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Aug 2002
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Clay_Pigeon
Mathematics
# 2516
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Posted
Anointed Reverend,
I am wondering if there is any Biblical or theological precedent on toilet paper orientation. Should it be placed on the spindle so that we pull from over top the roll or underneath the roll? Any exegesisical information you can provide on this important issue would be appreciated.
Basking in your radiance
-troy
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THAT'S IT! NOW I'M PISSED!. You're so off my prayer list.
-Was Once Troy
Posts: 599 | From: Northeast Ohio | Registered: Mar 2002
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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012
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Posted
Rev,
There have been some changes since you last visited. Namely new rulers in this realm, like, well, me. And I have a whole other set of rules apart from those laid down by tomb. Which I won't tell you, cause then you might obey them, and where would all my fun go? But make sure you follow the rules, otherwise there'll be all Hell to pay. In a very literal sense.
Oh, and keep your multiple identities sorted out. Otherwise I shall ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
Viki, hellhost
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“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”
Posts: 10787 | Registered: Jul 2001
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
Well, Sarky, as far as I'm concerned, he can do anything he wants and say anything he wants--just as long as he files the reports on time.
You undoubtedly have different standards, and I of course acknowledge your freedom to impose whatever standards you choose.
And, in the event that your standards and my rules conflict, it will be his responsibility to sort out the confusion. He's a "superChristian" after all; undoubtedly God will show him the correct path.
{snark}
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Sibling Homerj
She want's to know the correct theological precedent for walking to church. Does one start with the left or right foot? what pace should one set?
Hmmm. You want (sorry, your "friend" wants) to be careful with all this walking business.
There's nothing wrong with walking per se, but it's easy to get sucked into this whole New Agey communing with nature, being at peace with yourself and trying to save the planet thing. (Depending on where you live. Here in Lewisham I'm blessed to say we're pretty immune from the spirits of peace and nature.)
The next thing you know you'll be into crystals, relaxation tapes, worshipping dolphins, praying to demons and eating muesli.
However, given that warning, walking to church is not actually a sin,and I'm sure that many people in the Bible did it.
So, as for the left foot/right foot dilemma, tell your "friend" that it's not worth getting that worried about, and I'm sure the Spirit will guide her into the paths of correctfulness if she let's him.
If she gets run over on the way, obviously she is not in tune with the Spirit, so what can she expect?
What pace? Just don't be late.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Dave Walker
Contributing Editor
# 14
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Posted
Rev Gerald,
Have you ever thought of writing a book? If you did, do you think you would make it available through good Christian bookshops?
In the meantime, just supposing I had several multiples of six pounds and ninety nine pence available for the purchase of Christmas and other sundry presents - what would you recommend I spend it on?
W
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Cartoon blog / @davewalker
Posts: 1045 | Registered: Apr 2001
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
Dear Rev. Gerald,
I need advice
how can I ensure that I get a comfortable seat on the 07:55 to Charing Cross?
Can this be done without lying, cheating, stealing, or having to smell bad, say embarrasing things, do unpleasant bending, breaking any of the ten commandmanets, or in any way bringing shame upon my LORD?
Ideally I'd like to be on the right by the window, facing in the direction the train is going, with very large numbers of attractive women in the rest of the carriage.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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Horselover Fat
Apprentice
# 3384
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Posted
Dear Rev Gerald
Is it true that you have been described as 'the man who puts back the "euch" in "eucharist"'?
Horse
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"In the midst of death, we are in life"
Posts: 5 | From: account disabled | Registered: Oct 2002
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Sibling Wood
So, now that I have exstablished that people do, in fact, ignore me, I wonder, Rev. Gerald, whether there is a ministry for me in jumping up and down and screaming evangelism?
Absolutely! The 'loud bouncing' method of evangelism is in sorry decline these last days, and I just really feel the Lord would have us revive again its bounteous paths.
Ever since St Alfred of Cirencester converted King Ethelstan by leaping on him as he slept shouting short passages from Revelation, plunging out of trees before him singing the "Bogorodiste Dievo", and appearing to him in bouncy visions with alarming (if largely inaccurate) prophecies about dragons, there has been an divinely ordained link between mission and jumping up and down.
In the church where I grew up, there was a great man of God, Morris Norgate, who had the gift of pogoing with a megaphone. For many years he faithfully brought the word to lost shoppers, until he was called home with the aid of some Christmas lights, a misplaced drain cover, and the 93 bus.
More recently, St Ursula's for many years supported the work of Terry Sprat who would, among other anointed works, bungee jump from the top of the Army and Navy store crying (somewhat confusingly now I think about it), "RAAAAAAAAPTUUUUUUURE!!!!", whilst scattering tracts, holy water and more often than not car keys on passersby.
This ministry sadly came to an end when the Army and Navy store was closed down. Terry moved on to World of Sofas, but alas did not realise until it was too late that World of Sofas had one fewer storeys than the Army and Navy.
I'll be at St. Ursula's on Sunday.
That's lovely. I'm sure you know that we greet all true peaceable believers with open arms, and that the very highly trained deacons our "welcome" team can spot a nutter a mile off and are not reluctant to use the fire hose.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Robert Porter-Miller
Tiocfaidh Separabit
# 1459
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Posted
Hi Gerald, why are you posting in Hell?
I was looking for a copy of your book in Faith Mission in Belfast and couldn't find a copy? Would it be worth looking in a Christian bookshop or would a secular bookshop be better?
If I were to look for the book in waterstones - would it be stocked there (under what section)? Humour Religion or what?
I want to find my books easily - I don't want to trudge around the place on some sort of cultish pilgrimage ![[Paranoid]](graemlins/paranoid.gif)
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It's a beautiful day - don't let it get away - Bono and the boys
Let's all "Release Some Tension"
Posts: 1231 | From: Washington, D.C. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Wood
May I add, that while almost everyone apart from me will tell you that such martyrdoms as these are responsble for the decline in loud bouncing ministries in recent years, they are wrong.
The decline in loud bouncing ministries in recent years is caused by the decline in more or less everything else.
So go for it! Don't let Satan steal your elasticity!
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Nunc Dimittis
Seamstress of Sound
# 848
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Posted
So Rev Gezza-belle, you've decided that the closet is not the most comfortable of places and have re-emerged into the openness of cyber-space once again.
I am NOT going to confess anything or ask anything of you, having been so deeply disappointed with your previous ministry to the denizens of Hell.
That would be to court further disappointment, wouldn't it?
I hope you are paying your dues to tomb this time. You gotta respect a chap like that...
Posts: 9515 | From: Delta Quadrant | Registered: Jul 2001
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babybear
Bear faced and cheeky with it
# 34
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Posted
quote:
Sibling Robert wrote
I was looking for a copy of your book in Faith Mission in Belfast and couldn't find a copy? Would it be worth looking in a Christian bookshop or would a secular bookshop be better?
Didn't you look for instructions on the Ship? You can buy it here.
Sibling bear
[In the presence of Gerald, all your coding knowledge disappears?]
[ 03. October 2002, 20:23: Message edited by: sarkycow ]
Posts: 13287 | From: Cottage of the 3 Bears (and The Gremlin) | Registered: May 2001
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Rev per Minute
Shipmate
# 69
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by babybear:
Sibling Robert wrote
quote:
I was looking for a copy of your book in Faith Mission in Belfast and couldn't find a copy? Would it be worth looking in a Christian bookshop or would a secular bookshop be better?
Didn't you look for instructions on the Ship? You can buy it here.
Sibling bear
Or direct from the publishers here, if I may be so bold, oh ursine one.
May I also be so bold as to offer my testimony to the tears of laughter, sorry, joy, that I suffered during repentance with the glorious reverend at the racecourse in August. May your ministry be truly blessed and may all our stains be washed away as they were while singing 'Shine Flanders Shine' ![[Not worthy!]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
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"Allons-y!" "Geronimo!" "Oh, for God's sake!" The Day of the Doctor
At the end of the day, we face our Maker alongside Jesus. RIP ken
Posts: 2696 | From: my desk (if I can find the keyboard under this mess) | Registered: May 2001
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homerj
Shipmate
# 324
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Posted
Rev G
thanks for the advice, I (sorry, my friend), can now walk like jesus walked (buses permitting)
What flavour of lollipop can you recommend for a baptisimal service I'm attending soon?
yours sheepishly
homerj
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The grass is only greener on the other side of the fence because it is pissing it down with rain over there
Posts: 304 | From: slipping into Essex | Registered: May 2001
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
Gezza!
There's blown code up there in babybear's post. Fix it, or the sexton's fee doubles.
Thenks.
tomb
hellhost
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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tomb
Shipmate
# 174
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Posted
Sarky, you silly girl, you have fixed the code and become an enabler of the Rev's ministry.
I am surprised at you. Next thing you know, aliens will eat a hole in your brain and you'll start referring to people as "sibling."
Posts: 5039 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: May 2001
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Robert Porter-Miller
Tiocfaidh Separabit
# 1459
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by babybear:
quote:
Sibling Robert wrote
I was looking for a copy of your book in Faith Mission in Belfast and couldn't find a copy? Would it be worth looking in a Christian bookshop or would a secular bookshop be better?
Didn't you look for instructions on the Ship? You can buy it here.
Sibling bear
[In the presence of Gerald, all your coding knowledge disappears?]
But Baby Bear I want it now and not next week - Now do you hear me NOW! Pooooooooooooooooo ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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It's a beautiful day - don't let it get away - Bono and the boys
Let's all "Release Some Tension"
Posts: 1231 | From: Washington, D.C. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Sibling Homerj
What a godincidence! You'll never guess the reading I was given last night in my Daily Clement notes.
We must abandon a furious mode of walking, and choose a grave and leisurely, but not a lingering step.
Do not swagger in the street, throw back your head to regard onlookers, as if you were strutting on the stage, to be pointed at with the finger.
Nor, when going uphill, should you be shoved up by your servants, like the luxurious, who appear strong, but are enfeebled by effeminacy of soul. Paedogogus 3:11
Now tell me that's not from the Lord!
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Eldo
Shipmate
# 1861
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Posted
Revered Gerald,
Having read your last opus and other assorted works, I am yet to find correct instruction in the exact theologically and biblically sound method of extracting a lay youth worker's head from his sphincter. Pray tell how yiou would go about such a complex and justified operations.
Yours in expectation,
Posts: 245 | From: Sutton/City | Registered: Nov 2001
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Honest Ron Bacardi
Shipmate
# 38
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Posted
Brother Gerald - grace, mercy and peace to you!
Where you are going, you'll certainly be needing it.
As you well know, I would not normally darken your doorstep as I have a separate franchise of my own. However, having read of your prayer, anointing and sump-oil recycling ministry, there is something that I would value your guidance on.
Of late, I find myself increasingly being "slain in the spirit". The last time was in the High Street last Saturday afternoon. Fortunately the police lab lost the blood sample so the case against me had to be dropped. Is there any way this embarassment can be avoided? I am sure this is the sort of thing that you must be able to advise on from your own experience.
Self-reverentially yours
IanB
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Anglo-Cthulhic
Posts: 4857 | From: the corridors of Pah! | Registered: May 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Chorister
Your Geraldness, I am very tall. Should I bow my head as I emerge into the aisle from the Choir vestry door, or is this not liturgically correct?
I'm afraid I have grave reservations about the presence of women in the vestry in the first place. It's a changing room for priests!
What could persons of the contrary gender possibly be doing in there that is not utterly wicked?
If even I have never availed myself of the right to be vested by a retinue of godly virgins, I don't see why anyone else should think they can.
Maybe will say you are there in connection with your choristing. That's no better. For doeth not St Paul enjoin all members of the opposite gender to be silent in church?
Anyone who is not utterly hardened to the things of God knows that any female ministry in church - whether it be priestly, preachy, or hymnological - is utterly unnatural.
If the high bits really have to be sung, there is perfectly good Christian tradition for surgically gifting men to bring that sacrifice of praise. Now that's what I call natural.
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Wood
The Milkman of Human Kindness
# 7
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Posted
Dear Reverend Gerald,
I have been suffering from the attacks of the demons of insomnia recently.
Can you recommend a good exorcist?
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Narcissism.
Posts: 7842 | From: Wood Towers | Registered: Apr 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Zach
Rev Gerald, my congregation has proven unwilling to worship in the manner which I prefer. How shall I amend their short-sightedness?
Glasses?
I'm sorry, I don't really see what you're getting at.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Sibling Troy
I am wondering if there is any Biblical or theological precedent on toilet paper orientation. Should it be placed on the spindle so that we pull from over top the roll or underneath the roll? Any exegesisical information you can provide on this important issue would be appreciated.
Actually, the only biblical teaching I have been able to find on the subject of toilet paper seems quite emphatically to rule out its usage at all:
"His reproach shall not be wiped away." Proverbs 6:33
However I am urgently seeking the Lord for further light on this matter.
Basking in your radiance
- troy
That's the spirit.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Anna B
Shipmate
# 1439
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Posted
Dear Reverend Gerald,
If the kingdom of Gerald is within me, why doesn't it prevent nausea?
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Bad Christian (TM)
Posts: 3069 | From: near a lot of fish | Registered: Oct 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Sibling W
Blessings on you, Sibling Wibblethorpe, for that truly Of The Lord question.
btw, did you suffer burn out writing your full name? I empathise with you in the trials of having a lengthy tag, but you should never tire of rejoicing in the full name which He gave unto you, and with which you were baptised into the body.
If you're going to surrender to a spirit of abbreviation, why not go all the way and call yourself "V"?
Have you ever thought of writing a book? If you did, do you think you would make it available through good Christian bookshops?
It's availability would define "good Christian bookshop".
In the meantime, just supposing I had several multiples of six pounds and ninety nine pence available for the purchase of Christmas and other sundry presents - what would you recommend I spend it on?
Isn't the Lord's timing just perfect? (To which, of course, the correct answer is "Well, dur".)
For just as you are looking for somewhere to spend the sacred amount £5.99, along comes the most inpired book since the Good one.
Don't get me wrong. I’m not saying the book should become a third testament of the Holy Scriptures, because I am not worthy of that honour. However if that is the Lord’s will, who am I to stand in his way?
If you want to know which book I refer to, I'm haooy to tell you: it's My Ministry Manual by Rev. Gerald Ambulance.
I would go on, but as you already have 7 signed copies, you probably know what it's about.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
Dear Reverend Gerald
Obviously you are a man of considerable experience when it comes to matters of the world, the flesh and the Devil; that is, you clearly have insight and wisdom in how today's Christian should conduct him/herself in a society so full of temptation and naughtiness.
What advice would you give to a pious, demure young Christian lady seeking intimate companionship with a steadfast partner-in-the-faith? How can one attract the right kind of man, without also inciting the many passions that flesh is heir to?
Yours in Christianly friendship and devotion
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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welsh dragon
Shipmate
# 3249
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Posted
Dear Reverend Gerald,
In the entirely hypothetical but rather similar situation to the one above, how should a nice Christian girl indicate affection to a very proper Christian young man in a modest but unambiguous way that would not be mistaken as an Occasion for Sin or an attempted seduction? And how does headship come into this? (I was brought up as a Catholic and it's not a term they used at my convent school.)
yours curiously
WD
Posts: 5352 | From: ebay | Registered: Aug 2002
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Albert Ross
Shipmate
# 3241
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Posted
Dear Reverend Gerald
I am a great fan of 'Sunday Half Hour' presented by Roger Royle on BBC Radio 4. I greatly enjoy hearing (and joining in) the traditional hymns played as these have largely been replaced by 'Songs of Fellowship' style songs in services at my Church.
Does this prevent me being associated with a magazine 'of Chriatain Unrest'?
Albert
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Elegant, concise and full of meaning.
Posts: 80 | From: Thames Estuary | Registered: Aug 2002
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Ken
how can I ensure that I get a comfortable seat on the 07:55 to Charing Cross?
Can this be done without lying, cheating, stealing, or having to smell bad, say embarrasing things, do unpleasant bending, breaking any of the ten commandmanets, or in any way bringing shame upon my LORD?
There is one way, and one way only. Go on Saturday.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Horse
Is it true that you have been described as 'the man who puts back the "euch" in "eucharist"'?
Well, I suppose it is now. And doubtless will be again, now you've brought it to my attention.
Did you sign up to this message board just to ask that question? Bless you, my child.
Let's give Sibling Horse a warm St Ursula's welcome, shall we everyone? Would you like to bear testimony, Sibling?
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Sibling Bear
Have you any plans for celebrating Harvest? Perhaps you have been graced by God in receiving a new worship song?
I explained above why we don't celebrate the pagan rite of harvest at St Ursula's, but those of you who do can make it a lot less unsound by including in your service this new song that the Lord has given me:
Thank you Lord for cheese and spam
Pasta sauce and jelly
And for the preservatives
That stop them going smelly.
All things we appreciate
Come down to us from heaven,
Like monosodium glutemate
And E177.
Thank you for the wholesome grain
Scattered on the ground
Thank you for the pesticides
That keep the prices down
Thanks for food from foreign climes
Where all is hot and sunny
And for farmers glad to work
For very little money.
You send rain to water crops,
And the sun's warm ray;
And places where it all goes wrong
Are very far away.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
homerj
thanks for the advice, I (sorry, my friend), can now walk like jesus walked (buses permitting)
Amen to that. While you do so why not like to sing Graham Kendrick's "He Walked Where I Walk", with or without the extra verse written by the leader of the St U's worship group, Sibling Sue Pickles:
He walked where I walk (He walked where I walk)
Down to the takeaway (Down to the takeaway)
Back via the off licence (Back via the off licence)
He waited outside (He waited outside)
What flavour of lollipop can you recommend for a baptisimal service I'm attending soon?
yours sheepishly
Sheepishly? I should think so!
If you're so ungodly as to bring confectionary into the House of the Lord (as if the word of his anointed were not sweetness enough), I would suggest bile flavour so you can do your penance while you sin and save time later.
The only sweets I have ever allowed in St U's are the "throat lozenges" that Sibling Sue claims the worship team need to reach their usual peak of excellence. It's a pretty lame excuse, but it does make it easier for me to explain to people who ask why the worship team sucks.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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DP
Shipmate
# 794
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Posted
Dear Father (or Mother, these days. Hahahahahahahahahaha.)
Lovely though the new photograph of you is, you appear to be wearing an electrical guitar. Judas. Or are you exorcising it?
Anyway.
What translation of the Bible should we be reading?
DP
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"A diagonal slash in the centre of your sentence/Makes dull prose look like poetry."
Posts: 67 | Registered: Jul 2001
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babybear
Bear faced and cheeky with it
# 34
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Rev. Gerald Ambulance:
Thank you Lord for cheese and spam
Pasta sauce and jelly
And for the preservatives
That stop them going smelly.
All things we appreciate
Come down to us from heaven,
Like monosodium glutemate
And E177.
You truely are the annointed one.
Sibling bear
Posts: 13287 | From: Cottage of the 3 Bears (and The Gremlin) | Registered: May 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Yes, I think I probably am. Nice of you to notice.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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Rev. Gerald Ambulance
Soulsaving supersonic spiritual celebrity
# 359
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Posted
Sibling Eldo
Having read your last opus and other assorted works, I am yet to find correct instruction in the exact theologically and biblically sound method of extracting a lay youth worker's head from his sphincter. Pray tell how yiou would go about such a complex and justified operations.
Hmm, tricky. All healing requires the anointing with oil, in this case more abundantly than ever, as a lubricant. That and a good pull should do it. Plus prayer and fasting, obviously.
Of course, if it's your own we're talking about, don't try this on yourself.
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If God had meant women to have longer names than men, he would have created Adam and Evangeline. - Rev. Gerald Ambulance (me!)
Posts: 219 | From: Lewisham | Registered: Jun 2001
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