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Source: (consider it) Thread: Heaven: Favorite religion-themed jokes
HoosierNan
Shipmate
# 91

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Would people like to post their favorite jokes with a religious theme? I have five or so that I would like to post here, but only if other people don't beat me to them. I'm interested, partly, in increasing my own repetoire. Mainly interested in a good laugh.

So, on with the lightbulbs, the knock-knocks, and the obligatory St. Peter at the pearly gates . . .

Just one to get us started:
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

[ 10. March 2003, 01:29: Message edited by: Erin ]

Posts: 795 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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A man buys a new Cadillac and wants to have it blessed.

He goes to the Protestant minister who lays hands on the hood and prays, "Bless, O Lord, this shiny new Cadillac!"

The man then goes to the priest, who sprinkles it with holy water and prays over the new car in Latin.

The man then takes it to the rabbi, who prays over the car in Hebrew...and cuts off two inches of the tailpipe.

--------------------
I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?


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Newman's Own
Shipmate
# 420

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Paddy and Brigid had been going together for thirty years, and decided it was time to marry. When Paddy saw Father O'Farrell to make the arrangements for the wedding, he confided that the liturgical changes in the Church had him puzzled, and asked what the best options were for the ceremony.

"Well, you can have the old rite if you want it, Pat," Father replied, "but it's so cold and formal! Now, with the new rite, there is warmth, and love and real participation! So, in your place, I'd take the new one." Ever obedient to the clergy, Paddy agreed.

On the day of the wedding, Paddy was driving to the church alone when one of the tyres on his car went flat! He removed his jacket, shirt, and tie, rolled his trouser legs to the knees, and fixed the tyre. By then, he was quite late (and fearful Brigid would think he wasn't going to show after thirty years!), so he put his clothing to rights quickly. Though all else was fine, Paddy did not realise that his trouser legs were still rolled.

Paddy rushed in to the church, quite breathless, and Father O'Farrell, seeing the state of his attire, called out to him, "Paddy! Pull down your trousers, now."

Indignant, Paddy replied, "Father, I'll take the old rite!"

--------------------
Cheers,
Elizabeth
“History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn


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Chapelhead*

Ship’s Photographer
# 1143

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A Christian and a Jew are talking and the Jew is saying how there is very little in Christanity that is original, most of it has been taken from Judaism - the monotheism, the moral code, the book the Christians call the Old Testament even the ten commandments have been taken from the Jews.

To which the Christian replies,

"Well, we may have taken the ten commandments from you, but you can't complain that we kept them."


(I hope I understood correctly - you did want the worst religious jokes we knew - didn't you?)

--------------------
Benedikt Gott Geschickt!


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Peregrinner
Shipmate
# 409

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Fundamentalist joke:

A Bhuddist, a Hindu, a Sikh, a Jew, and a Catholic all fall out of an airplane without a parachute. Which one hits the ground first?


Well?

Think?

Different Religions?

What is the fundamentalist answer?


Are you there yet?

Or do you need more help?


The answer is ..........


A) Who cares, they are all going to Hell anyway.

--------------------
I have always thought...


Posts: 271 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
John Donne

Renaissance Man
# 220

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The resident of heaven looked down across the great divide to see the denizens of Hell feasting daily with much relish on 7 course banquets.

'God, why is it. Why is it that we have sandwiches every day and they have 7 course meals?'

'Because my Child. I can't be bothered cooking just for the 2 of us.'
------

And one from Dave Allen:

The visitor to Hell is shown the terrible torment of the inhabitants there: they have 4 ft long ladles fixed to their hands and try to take stew from a great pot. There is frenetic activity, wailing and anguish because the ladles are so long that they cannot get the stew into their mouths and slop it everywhere and over themselves.

The visitor is then taken to Heaven, where surprisingly, the inhabitants have the same ladles permanently fixed to their hands - but they sit calmly around the stewpot in a circle and feed each other...


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Tink
Apprentice
# 869

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The ladles joke... I thought it said 4ft long LADIES... anyway...

My joke:

Q. What do dyslexic agnostic insomniacs do all night?
A. Lie awake trying to work out whether there's a dog!!!

--------------------
what has happened to our lives and the dreams in our eyes? we used to walk where angels fear to tread (kato)


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PJ
Apprentice
# 1896

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A burgular breaks into this house and is looking around, when suddenly he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you". The burgular stops suddenly and looks around but can't find anything, so he continues gathering up the goods, then suddenly again he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you". The burgular then turns on his tourch and looks around the room.

He see's a parrot in a cage, the burgular goes up to the parrot and asks "did you just say that?" the parrot answers "Yes" The burgular laughs and says "Whats your name then?" and the parrot replies "Moses"

The burgular laughs again and says "Who would give such a stupid name to a parrot?"

The parrot replies "the same people who would call a bull dog Jesus.


Posts: 8 | From: Northern Ireland | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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Three couples die and are waiting at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven.

Peter is checking the records on the first man and says, "Sir, it says here that you were a bit too fond of your drinking. so much so that you ended up marrying a woman named 'Brandy'. I am sorry, but we cannot let you enter."

The second couple then stand before Peter. Again he checks the records and says to the man, "Sir, it says here that you were taken with the accumulation of money, and were overly greed. Indeed, it seems you even married a woman named, 'Penny'. I am sorry, but you, too, must leave."

The third man turned to his wife and said, "Well, Fannie, ...."

--------------------
I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?


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Joan the Outlaw-Dwarf

Ship's curiosity
# 1283

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An old one...

A group of people arrive at the same time at the Pearly Gates and are processed by St Peter. The first one approaches him.
"Religion?" St Peter asks.
"Anglican" comes the reply.
"Right, here's your harp, you're in room 3, but be quiet as you pass room 11."
The person trotts off and the next one comes up to St P.
"Religion?"
"Baptist"
"Right, here's your harp, you're in room 16, but be quiet as you pass room 11."
Off he goes, and the third approaches.
"Religion?"
"Islam"
""Right, here's your harp, you're in room 5, but be quiet as you pass room 11. Next!"
"I'm a Humanist"
"Right, here's your harp, you're in room 7, but be quiet as you pass room 11."
The final person comes up to St Peter.
"I'm Anglican too, so I'll be in room 3, " she says, "But why do we have to be quiet when we go past room 11?"
St Peter hands her a harp and replies:
"That's where the Catholics are, and they think they're the only ones here."

--------------------
"There is a divine discontent which has always helped to better things."


Posts: 1123 | From: Floating in the blue | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
Newman's Own
Shipmate
# 420

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Karl Rahner, Hans Kung, and Cardinal Ratzinger all arrived at heaven for admittance on the same day. (Note: before anyone starts acting pompous on this thread, don't be literal! I'm not so stupid that I don't know that the latter two are still alive!) Saint Peter informed them that he had been instructed to go over a few matters with each individually before their admission.

He called Karl Rahner into the "side chapel" first. Five minutes later, Karl emerged, near tears, and said, "How wrong I was!"

Hans Kung was next. Half an hour later, he emerged, quiet and humbled, and murmured, "How wrong I was!"

Ratzinger was last. Six hours later, Peter emerged, sobbing "How wrong I was!"

----
This joke was popular in certain RC circles during the 1970s, when taking the name of Vatican II in vain to justify the ...strange was popular.

Whenever anyone reaches heaven, he has the option of choosing any saint he wishes as a mentor to show him around until he's used to the territory. When Pope John XXIII arrived at the pearly gates, Peter informed him of this custom, and asked who he'd like to have for a mentor. Peter mentioned that, since admissions had been really low for the past few years, there was quite a selection available.
"The Holy Spirit, " replied John.
"The Holy Spirit!," thundered Peter. "No one has ever asked for Him! Do you know what his schedule is like... no, it would never do!" But John was adamant.
Finally, Peter said that, though the Holy Spirit was likely to be quite angered by John's insistence, he'd present the request.

"Holy Spirit," Peter began, "There is a new arrival who wants you for his mentor. I did tell him it was out of the question - but he was so insistent!"
The Holy Spirit was quite outraged. "Who is this?"
Peter answered, "He says he's Pope John XXIII."
The Holy Spirit looked puzzled. "Pope John XXIII... name isn't familiar... Ohhhhhh yes, now it strikes me! He invited me to an ecumenical council a few years back. I remember it well, because I couldn't make it."

--------------------
Cheers,
Elizabeth
“History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn


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Jack Douglas
Apprentice
# 2053

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Being intirely new at this, I wish to contribute a bit of a funny joke.
A Rabbi, a Roman Catholic priest, and a Baptist minister meet at coffee shop and while awaiting their orders get to discussing distribution of the offering. The Baptist say's how when the service is over he draws a 4 foot circle on the floor, stands in the middleand tosses the plate of money into the air. What falls inside is set aside for God's purposes, that which falls outside goes in his pocket, the R.C. priest reports how his method is similiar, but what falls into the circle is his, the Rabbi chuckles, shakes his head and asks, "do you seriously think that is correct? I too toss it into the air I just figure if God hasn't helped himself to what he wants, it's mine"

Posts: 2 | From: USA Pennsylvannia | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
Jack Douglas
Apprentice
# 2053

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Does everyone have their thinking caps on?
Why did God require of Abraham that he sacrifice his son Issac on the alter when Issac was twelve years old?
Quite simply as had he waited till Issac was a teenager it would not have been a sacrifice.
**********************************
How many Penticostal's does it take to change a light bulb?
21, 1 to screw in the replacement, and 20 to cast out the powers of darkness.
**********************************
How many Baptist's does it take to perform the same task?
NONE! Baptist's aren't into change

Posts: 2 | From: USA Pennsylvannia | Registered: Dec 2001  |  IP: Logged
homebild
Apprentice
# 1543

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A Muslim, a Jew and a lawyer are driving together through the country when their car breaks down near a farm.

The farmer can't offer them parts for the car nor any room in his house for the night but does offer to let them spend the night in his barn.

Well, two decide they'd rather sleep in the car, one in the front seat, one in the rear...the other will have to sleep in the barn.

So they draw straws and the Muslim loses and off to the barn he goes.

But a few minutes later, he comes back to the car and says: "Fellows, I can't sleep in that barn. There are DOGS in that barn. Dog's are unclean. I can't sleep with dogs. Please don;t make me sleep with dogs!"

So the other two draw straws, this time the Jew loses and off to the barn he goes.

A few minutes later the Jew comes out and says: "Fellows, I can't sleep in that barn. There are PIGS in that barn, Pigs are unlcean. Please don't make me sleep with pigs!"

So they all agree that the lawyer should spend the night in the barn instead.

The lawyer heads for the barn.

A few minutes later the dogs and pigs come out....

--------------------
"A man's home is his hassle..."


Posts: 50 | From: Pennsylvania USA | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Jean Michel
Francophile
# 27

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The vicar was told that the organ needed restoration work. So, before the Sunday morning service, he told the organist that he would make an appeal for funds after the notices, and that some music would be appropriate. Imagine his surprise when, having asked those interested in giving financial support to stand, the organist played the national anthem.

--------------------
A fish out of water, a bee without a hive,
such is a reporter, without a nearby dive.

Posts: 518 | From: Wortley, Leeds | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
JB*

Horse marine
# 396

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The Legend of the Christmas-tree Angel

Once Santa was having a really bad day.

Mrs Claus had a headache
The elves local went out on strike
Rudolph got the runs on a test flight over Albuquerque

And then the door opened and golden light shown in and there was the cutest angel you ever saw, dragging in a Christmas Tree.

"Where do you want me to put the tree?", she asked.

And that`s the story of why we have angels atop our Christmas trees.

--------------------
You live, you learn. You learn, you live.


Posts: 1011 | From: State of Amazement and Delight | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Newman's Own
Shipmate
# 420

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On an evening out with his cronies, Mike raised a toast,"To the best years of my life, spent between the legs of my wife!" But, later, embarrassed at what he'd said, he told wife Katie that he'd toasted her with, "To the best years of my life, spent in church beside my wife."

Next day, one of Katie's friends, who'd learnt of the toast from her own husband, congratulated Katie on Mike's having raised such a flattering salute to her.

"Aye, and I wish it were true," sighed Katie, "But really it only happened twice - once before we got married, and once after. And the second time I had to wake him up when it was all over..."

--------------------
Cheers,
Elizabeth
“History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn


Posts: 6740 | From: Library or pub | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Mr. Tyndale's Ghost
Shipmate
# 251

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Well, this has SOMETHING of a religous theme:

Three men, a rabbi, a Hindu priest and a lawyer, are walking along a country road when it becomes dark. They stop at a farm house and ask for lodging. The farmer agrees, but adds that he only has two spare beds, so one of the men must sleep in the barn. The Hindu agrees. The others go to bed.

A while later there is a knock at the door. It's the Hindu. "I am very sorry, sir," he says to the farmer, "But there is a cow in your barn. Cows are sacred to me. I cannot sleep with them." The rabbi volunteers to take his place.

A short while later there's another knock. It's the rabbi. "Sorry, gentlemen, but there is a pig in the barn! They're not kosher, so I can't sleep there." After much hemming and hawing, the lawyer agrees to replace the rabbi.

A few minutes later there's ANOTHER knock on the door. It's the cow and the pig...


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green
Apprentice
# 1658

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met a man once with what he said was a
*born again* dog.
i was very skeptical, but he said
"watch this, i'll PROVE it"...
so, he threw a stick & shouted
"FETCH BOY FETCH!!" & the dog ran off & fetched the stick.
"great" i said "but ANY dog will do that."
"ah but watch this" he said.
& he shouted "SIT! & stay" & the dog sat & stayed.
"yeah great" i said "but ANY dog will do
that".
"ok" he said "but watch THIS!"
& he shouted "& now HEAL BOY HEAL!!"
& the dog slapped his paw on my forehead & started talking in TONGUES...

(u really need the healing impression to finish this one, but u get my drift...)


--------------------
avast there lubbers
ahar ahar a har...


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jemmi
Shipmate
# 548

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3 Nuns (2 apprentices & mother superior) are killed in a road accident & when they got to the pearly gates St Peter tells them that to enter heaven they have to answer a simple question so St Peter says to the 1st apprentice "what was the name of the 1st man?" So she says "Adam" then he says to the 2nd apprentice "What was the name of the garden where Adam & Eve lived?" So she says "Eden" Then he comes to the Mother Superior & says as you are Mother Superior your question will be tougher, so he asks "What was the 1st words Eve spoke to Adam?" She ponders a while and says "Ooh that's a hard one" To which Peter replies "correct!"

--------------------
You & I are indidvidual miracles of God this gives me good enough reason to love myself, you & most of all him!

Love in Jesus
Jemmi

Posts: 641 | From: Scunthorpe,N.Lincs,England | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Newman's Own
Shipmate
# 420

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When the ship went down, and the lifeboat was overloaded, it became clear that, unless the load was lessened, everyone would drown. There happened to be several Religious on the lifeboat - a Dominican, a Benedictine, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit - and they decided to make the sacrifice.

The Benedictine crossed himself, said, "Long live work and prayer!," and jumped into the ocean.
The Dominican said, "Long live Truth!," and jumped in.
The Franciscan said, "Long live God!" - and threw in the Jesuit.

-----

Dan wasn't the best of drivers, and, after one especially devastating collision, was shocked to see that it was Father O'Connor who was the driver of the car he'd smashed!

"Danny!," cried out the shaken and wounded priest, "You almost killed me!"

"There, there, Father," soothed Danny. "Keep yourself calm, now. It happens I have a bit of whiskey somewhere here... let me get a bit of it for you."

A while later, a bit pacified, Father O'Connor added, "Well, Danny, that was a foolish thing you did, but Lord knows we all make mistakes. Would you be joining me in a bit of the creature now - you yourself had quite a shock?"

"Oh, no, Father," Danny replied. "Since you're the one who got the worst of it, it's you who should be relaxing with the whiskey. I'll just sit here, now, and wait for the police."

----
An Augustinian, Benedictine, Dominican, and Franciscan were arguing amongst each other about which of their Orders had done the work most pleasing to God. It was becoming rather heated, and finally, before it disintegrated into a major unholy row, they decided to join in prayer and ask God to reveal His own choice.

Shortly afterward, a parchment drifted from the sky. On it was inscribed, "My sons, do not fight amongst yourselves! All of you are equally pleasing to me!" Signed: God, SJ

---
The following joke is absolutely terrible, but I include it because, when I once told it to a parish housekeeper, Mary, her response was far funnier than this horrid joke. For the rest of this to make sense, I must add that Mary, easily the best cook and housekeeper on earth, was a lady to spout much woe, and, in particular, to tell everyone, in detail, about the pain she suffered from her corns. The joke:

John was the sort of man who found that any decision he made was a disaster. He was relieved, on the occasion when he needed to take a flight to Brussels, that there was only one available. No decisions means no bad luck... or does it?

During the flight, the aircraft had major problems, and John was to find that he was dropping through the air, no parachute, hurtling to the ground! In desperation, John called, "Saint Francis, Saint Francis, help me!"

A big hand came forth from the sky and caught John mid-drop. "Oh, is that you, Saint Francis?"

A voice replied, "It is, my son, if indeed you have called upon me."

John sighed, "Oh, thank you, Saint Francis!"

The voice continued, "But one question first. Did you ask for Francis Xavier or Francis of Assisi?"

When I told this to Mary, she replied, with total frustration and disgust, "It's no use talking to Saint Francis! Do you know how many times I have told him about the corns on my feet?!"

--------------------
Cheers,
Elizabeth
“History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn


Posts: 6740 | From: Library or pub | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Newman's Own
Shipmate
# 420

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The very well-heeled Mr Smythe was one to visit many a church, leaving a donation at each. One day, he stopped at his very posh parish, and noticed a solid gold telephone was on the desk. When he asked what it was, he was told that it was a direct wire to heaven. Smyth, fascinated, asked if he could use the telephone - and was told that, indeed he could, but this would require a donation of fifty thousand. So, he did so.

A week later, Smythe made his annual call on a very poor parish, and noticed another of the gold telephones there. He inquired if this was another line to heaven, and was told indeed it was. Again, he asked if he could use it, and was told that he was welcome to do so, but could he please leave a donation of 50p.

"50p? When I used the same telephone at another church, it cost me 50 thousand!"

"Yes, sir, we know - but, from here, it is a local number."

--------------------
Cheers,
Elizabeth
“History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn


Posts: 6740 | From: Library or pub | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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Three ministers, a Baptist, a Campbellite and an Anglican were out fishing in a boat. The Campbellite noticed that they were almost out of bait, stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, walked to shore, picked up the bait bucket and walked back. The Anglican hardly noticed, the Baptist was dumbstruck.

An hour later, the Anglican said that he was getting hungry, and offered to go get lunch. He stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, walked to shore, picked up the picnic basket, and walked back. The Campbellite hardly noticed. The Baptist was dumbfounded.

A while later, the Baptist figured that if the others could do it, so could he. He announced that he was feeling a bit chilled and needed his jacket on shore. He stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, and promptly sank to the bottom.

As the Baptist came up sputtering, the Campbellite looked at the Anglican and said, "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"

--------------------
I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?


Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Siegfried
Ship's ferret
# 29

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Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian?
A: Someone who goes door to door for no particular reason
-----
Q: Why are Unitarians such terrible hymn-singers?
A: They're always reading ahead to see if they agree with the hymn.

Sieg


Posts: 5592 | From: Tallahassee, FL USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
green
Apprentice
# 1658

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to ALL of the above

1 MAJOR GUFFAW,
3.5 chuckles
& a sneaky SNIGGER...


--------------------
avast there lubbers
ahar ahar a har...


Posts: 29 | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
HoosierNan
Shipmate
# 91

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A miserly old man had arranged for all his money to be exchanged for gold bullion. When the Angel of Death came, he said that he would not go unless he could take the gold with him. The Angel of Death said, "No carry-ons. That's the rule." The miserly old man insisted that the Angel ask God. The Angel said, "It's no use, but OK. I'll be back in a flash."

Well, the Angel of Death came back, totally wide-eyed, and said, "Sir, I've been on this job for over 6,000 years, and this is the first time God has OK'ed carry-on luggage! He said you could have 2 suitcases." So the old man puts his hands on the two suitcases of gold bullion, and he and the Angel go up to the pearly gates.

When St. Peter saw them approaching, he said, "No carry-ons." But the old man insisted that St. Pete contact God, that they had permission, and the Angel of Death confirmed it. St. Pete, still skeptical, picked up the golden telephone and before he asked the question, God granted permission for two suitcases for this particular soul.

WELL! St. Peter said to the man, "Look, I know it's none of my business, but I am SO curious--do you mind if I look in your bags." Smugly, the old man opened them both. St. Pete looks into one, then the other, then at the old man. Totally astonished, he says,

(Ready?)

"You brought PAVEMENT?????"


Posts: 795 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Peregrinner
Shipmate
# 409

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Why are synagogues round?

So the jews can't hide in the corner.

--------------------
I have always thought...


Posts: 271 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
The Mid

Officer and a gentleman
# 1559

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A man was feeling rather low down and decided to end his life. He was too scared to hang himself and he didn't have a gun, so he went to jump off a cliff. As he was about to jump he heard a voice saying, "Don't jump! Cardinal Clancy will save you!"
The man looked around but couldn't see anyone. He got ready to jump again. Again the voice cried out, "Don't jump! Cardinal Clancy will save you!"
Again the man looked around but could not see where the voice came from. He readied himself to jump a third time, when again the voice shouted, "Don't jump! Cardinal Clancy will save you!"
The man looked around asking, "Who is Cardinal Clancy?", to which the voice responded,

"Jump you Protestant bastard, jump!"

--------------------
For God so loved the world She got involved


Posts: 3022 | From: The Wardroom | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Newman's Own
Shipmate
# 420

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Margaret confided in her pastor that she was thinking of divorcing her husband. He asked why this was so-
"Has he been involved in adultery?"
"Adultery! Father, the man's as childish as it gets!"

"Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"He's been known to play the fiddle a bit, Father, but I've never heard him practising on any connubial."

"Do the two of you have a grudge?"
"Grudge? No, we have a car port."

"What is it then, that you want to divorce him?"
"Father, one just cannot have an intelligent conversation with the man!"

--------------------
Cheers,
Elizabeth
“History as Revelation is seldom very revealing, and histories of holiness are full of holes.” - Dermot Quinn


Posts: 6740 | From: Library or pub | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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quote:
Originally posted by Peregrinner:
Why are synagogues round?

So the jews can't hide in the corner.


I appreciate a good joke as well as anyone (posted several here myself) but this one is not only not funny, I find it offensive.

Substitute "churches" for "synagogues" and "Christians" for "Jews" and you will see what I mean.

--------------------
I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?


Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Fiddleback
unregistered


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I appreciate a good joke as well as anyone (posted several here myself) but this one is not only not funny, I find it offensive.
Substitute "churches" for "synagogues" and "Christians" for "Jews" and you will see what I mean.

I don't get this one at all. You'll have to explain it, Mr Campbellite.


I loved the one about synagogues though...


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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32

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IMO, that substitution makes it less offensive; the noun form of "Jewish" is borderline derogatory in the USA. I didn't take any historical connotation to the joke and just assumed it referred to lazy worshippers.

--------------------
Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll

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Siegfried
Ship's ferret
# 29

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I don't get it either. Perhaps Perigrinner could explain it to the rest of us?

Sieg


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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32

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<HOST HAT ON>

OK, I'm nipping this in the bud before it gets out of control. Granted, it wasn't the most appropriate joke for Heaven, but let's assume it was a lapse of judgement and not intended in malice.

Peregrinner--I wasn't thrilled with this joke, but I tried not jumping to conclusions and wasn't going to interfere. Please learn from this.

<HOST HAT OFF>

--------------------
Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll


Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32

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One from the Old Boards...

A man rushed into confessional and said "Father, I slept with three women last night!"

"That's horrible," said the priest. "Are you married??"

"No, and I'm Jewish, but I had to tell somebody!"

--------------------
Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll


Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ultraspike

Incensemeister
# 268

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A Catholic priest, a Rabbi and an Imam were meeting together at an interfaith council when they were interrupted by a secretary who rushed in exclaiming, "God's on the phone for you, Fr. Murphy." Fr. Murphy listens a moment, nods gravely and then hangs up. He turns to the Rabbi and the Imam and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God loves us. The bad news is he's calling from Salt Lake City."

--------------------
A cowgirl's work is never done.

Posts: 2732 | From: NYC | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Nicodemus
Apprentice
# 708

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One Saturday morning in Heaven, Jesus, Moses and an elderly-looking man were playing golf. Moses teed off first and hit the ball right into a lake. He then parted the waters where he found the ball then chipped it up onto the green.

Jesus hit his ball next and it headed to the very same lake, except it landed and floated right on top of the water. Jesus walked on the water right up to it and splashed it up onto the green.

Next the old man drove his ball and it went into the same lake where it was swallowed by a frog, then spit out of the lake, hit a tree, picked up by a bird and dropped lightly into the hole. An incredible hole-in-one.

Moses leaned over to Jesus and said, "Man, I hate playing with your dad."

--------------------
A little science will take a man away from God, but a lot will bring him back.


Posts: 8 | From: Texas | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Mr. Tyndale's Ghost
Shipmate
# 251

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Three men are at a clergy convention: a priest, a rabbi and a TV evangelist. The subject comes up as to how much of the collection should be kept by the clergy for their upkeep, and how much should go to the organization.

The priest says "Well, I put a box on the floor. Then I toss all the money we've collected up in the air. Whatever lands in the box, that's what I live on."

The rabbi adds "I do almost the same thing, except I draw a circle on the floor with a piece of chalk. What lands in the circle is my salary."

The TV evangelist has his turn: "Too complicated! Why mess with boxes and chalk? I just toss all the money way up in the air, and whatever God doesn't grab, it's mine!"

Another:
A man dies and goes to Hell. As he is getting a tour he sees a group of people being boiled in oil, and asks what they had done wrong. "They're Jews who ate pork," replied the Devil.

The tour continues into a room where people are being whipped mercilessly by little demons. "Catholics who ate meat on Fridays during Lent," the Devil explained.

The third room contained people who were sitting in a kettle of boiling oil, AND being whipped. What was THEIR sin? "Anglicans who ate their dinners with salad forks."


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Old Hundredth
Shipmate
# 112

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A barber had just opened up his new business. One of his first customers was a Catholic priest, and he declined payment from him. The following morning he found a bottle of wine on the doorstep with a card 'Many thanks from Father Flanagan'.

A few days later he cut the hair of a Rabbi, and again waived payment. The following morning he found a hamper of Kosher delicacies on the doorstep with a card 'Many thanks from Rabbi Rosenberg'.

Several days later he cut the hair of the Baptist minister, and yet again declined payment. The following morning he found on the doorstep a queue of twelve Baptist ministers

**************************************

Then there was a Catholic priest on a train with a Rabbi. This being a Virgin West Coast train from London to Manchester, it came to a halt somewhere in Staffordshire for two hours, and the clerics reached the point where they were sharing confidences like old friends. 'Tell me, Rabbi', said the priest, 'just between ourselves, have you ever eaten bacon?' 'Well, Father, I must admit that I did once try some. Just to satisfy my curiosity, you understand. And while we are sharing our most intimate secrets, have you ever given into the temptation to break your vow of chastity?' 'Well, Rabbi, I must admit that I did, just the once, to satisfy my curiosity, you understand'.

There was a reflective silence for a moment, then the Rabbi commented, 'Beats the hell out of bacon, doesn't it?'

****************************

One day while walking down the street a highly successful woman lawyer was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

'Welcome to Heaven,' said St. Peter. 'Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in.' said the woman.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.'

'Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in heaven'

'Sorry, we have rules...'

And with that St. Peter put the lawyer in a lift and it went down - down - down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice bloke and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the lift. The lift went up - up - up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. Now it's time to spend a day in heaven.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

'So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.'

The woman paused for a second and then replied, 'Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.'

So, St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went down - down - down back to Hell. When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. 'I don't understand,' stammered the woman, 'yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'

The Devil looked at her and smiled. 'That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff.'

--------------------
If I'm not in the Chapel, I'll be in the bar (Reno Sweeney, 'Anything Goes')


Posts: 976 | From: The land of the barm cake | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Fiddleback
unregistered


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quote:
Originally posted by Belisarius:
One from the Old Boards...

A man rushed into confessional and said "Father, I slept with three women last night!"

"That's horrible," said the priest. "Are you married??"

"No, and I'm Jewish, but I had to tell somebody!"


You went and used the 'J' word again! Tell me why your joke is so much more acceptable than Peregrinner's.

Please save this thread from earnest political correctness, otherwise it won't be worthwhile. And keep on posting Peregrinner.


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ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716

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One of my all-time favourites!

A carpenter dies and goes to heaven...
One day in Heaven, Jesus is letting in the people. At a certain moment, an ancient man with a beard that touches his feet is trying to go inside. Jesus stops him and says, "Excuse me. Where are you going?"
The old man replies, "I'm going inside, if that's okay with you."
"You must give an account of yourself before I will let you in," Jesus answers, "so what have you accomplished in life?"
"Well, I was a carpenter, and I did have a son -- who I want to see so very much..."
"Tell me about him," Jesus says.
"Many books have been written about my son", the man explains.
This starts to ring a bell with Jesus. He thinks, "Could this man be Joseph?"
Jesus then asks, "Was there anything unusual about his birth?"
"Why, yes," says the old man. "I wasn't strictly his father in the biological sense -- he was born in, ah, a supernatural way."
"Really?" asks Jesus. "Tell Me more."
"Well, he left home and I never saw him again."
Jesus pauses. "Did he have any distinguishing characteristics?"
"Well -- my son had nails pierced through his hands and feet."
Jesus can't hold back His tears any longer. He spreads His arms and cries, "Papa!"
The old man looks Him in the eyes and exclaims, "Pinocchio!"

--------------------
My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity


Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Siegfried
Ship's ferret
# 29

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quote:
Originally posted by Fiddleback:
You went and used the 'J' word again! Tell me why your joke is so much more acceptable than Peregrinner's.

Please save this thread from earnest political correctness, otherwise it won't be worthwhile. And keep on posting Peregrinner.


In my mind, the punchline relies on the person being non-Catholic. The actual religion of the confessor is irrelevant, so this joke isn't making fun of the person for being a Jew. You could use a baptist, but I think it works a bit better if the person isn't associated with any Christian church, since many non-Christians don't distinguish between denominations/sects.
Besides, I wouldn't be surprised if this joke originated with one of our many Jewish comedians.

Sieg


Posts: 5592 | From: Tallahassee, FL USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
mousethief

Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953

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You will have to decide which of these (if any) is off-colour and which is not.

----------------------------------------

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister were having a picnic one hot summer's day, and decided as there was nobody around, and a lake nearby, to go skinny-dipping.

They leave their clothes and vestments on some bushes, and jump into the lake.

Just then several vans drive up with ladies from each clergyman's congregation. The priest and the minister run helter-skelter for their clothes, shielding their private parts with both hands. The Rabbi strolls casually over to his clothes, shielding his face with his hands.

When they are all dressed and back at a cafe in town talking about their experience, the priest and the minister turned to the rabbi and said, "Why did you hide your face instead of your private parts?"

The Rabbi says, "Well obviously I can't speak for you gentlemen, but the ladies of my congregation would recognize my face, not my privates...."

--------------------------

Four rabbis were arguing about whose interpretation of the Torah was the correct one. It was three against one. Finally the one said, "If my interpretation is correct, may Ha-Shem confirm it himself!"

Just then a voice came from the sky, "Why do you three argue with my beloved rabbi, whose interpretation is the correct one?"

The three said, "Okay, now it's three against TWO."

--------------------------------

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam were talking about their experiences of the miraculous. The imam said, "I was lost in a terrible blizzard, and prayed to Allah to save me, and all around me for 100 yards it was as warm as a spring day. I made it back to my house and thanked Allah for his great mercy."

The priest said, "I was rowing in a boat when a squall came up and threatened to capsize me. I prayed out to Jesus Christ, and all around me for 100 yards it was as calm as a still morning. I rowed safely to shore and thanked Jesus Christ for his great mercy."

The Rabbi said, "I was walking to synagogue, when all of a sudden I saw a twenty-dollar bill on the ground. I couldn't pick it up because that would be doing work on the Sabbath. So I prayed to Ha-Shem, and all around me for 100 yards it was Tuesday...."

---------------------------------

Rdr Alexis

--------------------
This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...


Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussion when life begins.

The minister argued eloquently that life begins at birth.

The Priest argued that the teachings of the Church made it clear that life begins at conception.

The Rabbi replied, "you both have it wrong! Life begins when the last child moves out and the dog dies."

--------------------
I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?


Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Laura
General nuisance
# 10

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Administrator Hat On

quote:
Originally posted by Fiddleback:
You went and used the 'J' word again! Tell me why your joke is so much more acceptable than Peregrinner's.

Please save this thread from earnest political correctness, otherwise it won't be worthwhile. And keep on posting Peregrinner.


Though I think humor suffers from belabored explanations, I'll help you out, Fiddle and others. There is a very easy rule of thumb about such jokes, laid out by Miss Manners (etiquette writer Judith Martin's nom de plume)

Peregrinner's joke was quite offensive because it was a joke told about an identifiable group, by an outsider to that group, based on (long-standing) negative stereotypes of that group.

Bel's joke is not offensive by that standard, because although it was told by an outsider, is not based on any negative stereotype about that group, and in fact, the group identification of the subject of the joke is essentially irrelevant -- the subject merely had to be someone who wouldn't be in any way obligated or accustomed to go to confession.

--------------------
Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. - Erich Fromm


Posts: 16883 | From: East Coast, USA | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
Laura
General nuisance
# 10

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Administrator Hat Still On

I should, however, have noted that, Fiddleback, there is no need to incite peregrinner to "keep on posting" in the same vein, which smacks of trolling, based on your well-known feelings about what you call "political correctness". I do hope peregrinner will indeed keep posting, but in future avoid the type of offensive humor I described above. As you'll note, in any case, nobody thought it was funny. Most people have internalized the "no nasty ethnic jokes by outsiders to the subject group" rule I described above.

And, dear Fiddleback, if you wish to argue against Political Correctness in general, you know very well that Heaven, on a joke thread, isn't the place for it.

Administrator Hat /Off

--------------------
Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. - Erich Fromm


Posts: 16883 | From: East Coast, USA | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged
HoosierNan
Shipmate
# 91

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There is a traffic accident, and three blondes who were in the same vehicle together die instantly. They go to the pearly gates, and St. Peter tells them that each one has to answer one question in order to get in.

St. Peter turns to the first blonde. "What is the importance of Easter?"

She says, "That's when everyone gets to wear masks and cool costumes and people give you candy when you go door to door."

St. Peter pushes a button and activates a trap door, and asks the second blonde, "What is the importance of Easter?"

She replies, "Easter is a big religious holiday, and we go shopping at great stores and wrap up cool presents and give them to each other. But I forget why that is religious, sorry."

St. Peter pushes the same button and asks the third blonde, "What is the importance of Easter?"

She replies, "Oh, this is very important. Jesus died horribly on a cross to save us from our sins, and after he died he was put into a cave-tomb thing, with a big rock in front," and at this point St. Pete begins to reach for a halo and harp, but the blonde continues, "and the angel rolls the stone away, and if Jesus sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of winter."*


* If some of you don't know about this, it's an American folk holiday. On Feb. 2nd, if a certain groundhog in Pennsylvania sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter. It's called Groundhog Day.


Posts: 795 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716

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More than you really want to know about Groundhog Day, and about Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, home of the world-famous weather forecasting groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil.

--------------------
My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
Ultraspike

Incensemeister
# 268

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Bill Clinton and the Archbishop of Canterbury both die on the same day and approach St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informs them that they must both do penance for their sins on earth. A few weeks later Bill is walking arm in arm with his penance, a very homely shrew who constantly nags and pesters him. He sees the ABofC walking around arm in arm with Marilyn Monroe, apparently having a great time. He goes to St. Peter and asks him why he is saddled with this homely hag and the AB gets Marilyn Monroe. St. Peter replies, "Now Bill, you do your penance and let Marilyn do hers."

--------------------
A cowgirl's work is never done.

Posts: 2732 | From: NYC | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
RainShowers
Apprentice
# 641

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A daddy was listening to his child start his evening prayer, "Dear Howard...."

At this, Dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute. How come you called God, 'Howard'"?

The little boy looked up and said, "That's waht they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name'".

--------------------
'I know that God will not give me more than I can handle. I just wish that He did not trust me so much'....Mother Theresa


Posts: 14 | From: Alberta, Canada | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged



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