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Source: (consider it) Thread: Heaven: Favorite religion-themed jokes
brodavid
Shipmate
# 460

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One I read in Reader's Digest:

An atheistic scientist was talking with his friend about thewonderful scientific advances that had been made. He sad, "With everything humanity has learned, God is no longer needed!" Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light, and God Himself was standing before them. He looked at the scientist and said,"If I'm so unneeded, then how about a man-making contest?" The scientist arrogantly accepted, and bent over to pick up a handful of dirt. God said, "Hey, wait a minute; you supply your own raw materials."

--------------------
Brodavid

"Prayer can do anything that God can do."
- E.M. Bounds


Posts: 702 | From: Mississippi, USA | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Old Hundredth
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# 112

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Warning: long post but I can't resist passing this on, courtesy of my Mum's neighbour.

Letter from Grandma

The other day I went to the local Christian bookstore and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly exhilarated that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped on a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I did not notice that the light had changed to green.

It is a good thing that someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked I would never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there the guy behind me started honking like crazy then leaned out of his window and screamed ‘For the love of God go, go!! Jesus Christ go!!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking. I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked a few times to share their love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a ‘sunny beach’.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant he said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well I have never met anyone from Hawaii so I leaned out of the window and gave him that good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing … why, even he was enjoying the religious experience.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended but this was when I noticed that the lights had changed.

So, I waved to all my brothers and sisters and smiling at them. I drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car to get through before the lights changed again.

I felt a bit sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time and blew them a kiss as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

--------------------
If I'm not in the Chapel, I'll be in the bar (Reno Sweeney, 'Anything Goes')


Posts: 976 | From: The land of the barm cake | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Steve_R
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# 61

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In a small village the Priest is furious because his bicycle has been stolen. He asks his verger what he should do. The verger tells him that it must be someone in the village so he should preach a fire and brimstone sermon on the 10 commandments and then the thief will return the bike.

On the Sunday the Priest starts off like Ian Paisley at his best(/worst) but halfway through peters out.

After the service the verger asks: "What happened?"

The Priest replies, "Well, it was going fine but when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I left the bike."

-----------------------------------------------

Sent to me by a South African friend:

James(4) was listening to a bible story. His dad read: "The man named lot was told to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

--------------------
Love and Kisses, Steve_R


Posts: 990 | From: East Sussex | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
brodavid
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# 460

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One that was emailed to my pastor/uncle:

An energetic preacher was wried for sound with an old, wire-tethered lapel microphone. As he preached, he gestured enthusiasticly and moved about the platform. At times a gesture would tangle an arm in the mike cord, or the cord would get wrapped around a microphone stand or a piece of furniture. As the preacher continued, he got more excited, and he came down from the platform towards the congregation. Several times, the preacher almost tripped over the cord, and he often came to the end of the cord and was stopped by the tug of the mike cord on his lapel. A young near the front leaned over and anxiously asked, "Mommy, if he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

--------------------
Brodavid

"Prayer can do anything that God can do."
- E.M. Bounds


Posts: 702 | From: Mississippi, USA | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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Four young nuns were about to take their vows.

Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "brides of Christ".

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row. The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

--------------------
I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?


Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Campbellite

Ut unum sint
# 1202

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quote:
Originally posted by Steve_R:
Sent to me by a South African friend:

James(4) was listening to a bible story. His dad read: "The man named lot was told to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"


In the version I heard, James said, "That's nothing. My mom looked back and turned into a telephone pole."

--------------------
I upped mine. Up yours.
Suffering for Jesus since 1966.
WTFWED?


Posts: 12001 | From: between keyboard and chair | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
The Charientist
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# 2269

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A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9
year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in
the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes
the boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't you start that again".


Posts: 131 | From: I've moved! So long, suckers!! | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
The Charientist
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# 2269

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The cathedral's bell-ringer, who has held his position for as long as anyone can remember, dies.

The bishop mourns the loss of his trusted employee and then announces a whole day of interviews to find a suitable replacement.

Candidate after candidate comes to the tower to interview and to demonstrate his skill with the ropes...but the bishop finds them all lacking.

At the end of the day, one last candidate enters, and announces his interest in the position.

"But you have no arms!" protests the bishop.

"That doesn't matter," says the man. "Watch this."

The man backs up, gets a running start, and charges the big bell at full speed, slamming his head into it. A full, rich sound peals out o'er the land. The bishop is impressed, and turns to offer the man the job on the spot -- but the man, stunned by the collision, staggers around and then falls out the window, plunging hundreds of feet to his death.

By the time the bishop reaches the bottom of the stairs, a crowd has already gathered around the body.

"Excellency," someone asks, "who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," admits the bishop, "But his face rings a bell."


Posts: 131 | From: I've moved! So long, suckers!! | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
Old Hundredth
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# 112

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Here's the sequel to Charientist's tale:

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am
the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked. "Who is this man?" "I
don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

--------------------
If I'm not in the Chapel, I'll be in the bar (Reno Sweeney, 'Anything Goes')


Posts: 976 | From: The land of the barm cake | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Benedictus
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# 1215

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I don't know if this will mean anything except to the Americans, especially those of us of a certain age.

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

--------------------
Resentment: Me drinking poison and expecting them to die


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Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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Well, if we've moved into puns...

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused pain relief at the dentist's? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

--------------------
“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”


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brodavid
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# 460

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The pun is truly the lowest form of humor. Let's have some more!

--------------------
Brodavid

"Prayer can do anything that God can do."
- E.M. Bounds


Posts: 702 | From: Mississippi, USA | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Pete_I
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# 1505

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Gandhi never wore shoes, which gave him very corny feet. He ate a strange diet of lentils which made him quite weak and also gave him bad breath. And across India he was revered as a great spiritual leader.

Which made him a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-plagued-with-hallitosis.


Posts: 120 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Sarkycow
La belle Dame sans merci
# 1012

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quote:
Originally posted by Pete_I:
Gandhi never wore shoes, which gave him very corny feet. He ate a strange diet of lentils which made him quite weak and also gave him bad breath. And across India he was revered as a great spiritual leader.

Which made him a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-plagued-with-hallitosis.


ROFL!!!!

And welcome

Viki

--------------------
“Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”


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kingsfold

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# 1726

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Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off our car!"

--------------------
I came to Jesus and I found in him my star, my sun.
And in that light of life I'll walk 'til travelling days are done


Posts: 4473 | From: land of the wee midgie | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged
brodavid
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# 460

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My preacher uncle told this one Wednesday evening:

A land owner hired a man to split firewood for him. He soon noticed that every time the man swung his axe, he said, "Adam!" The employer was understandably curious, so he asked the man, "Why do you say 'Adam!' every time you swing?" The man answered, "Well, if it weren't for Adam fouling up in the Garden of Eden, we wouldn't have to work for a living, and I wouldn't have to be splitting this firewood."

The employer decided to pull one over on the man, so one morning, when the man showed up for work, he told him, "Now I'm going to be gone today, but you just go ahead and do your work. If you get thirsty, you can help yourself to soft drinks or water from the refrigerator, but don't touch the envelope on the kitchen table." The employer gave some more instructions, then re-emphasized that the man was to leave the envelope strictly alone.

After a while, the wood splitter took a break and went into the kitchen for some water. He noticed the envelope, lying unsealed on the table. He was naturally curious, but resited the urge to peek. As the day went on, however, he kept wondering what was in the envelope, until he finally couldn't stand it. He went into the kitchen looked in the envelope, and found a note that said, "Hello, Adam!"

--------------------
Brodavid

"Prayer can do anything that God can do."
- E.M. Bounds


Posts: 702 | From: Mississippi, USA | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Steve_R
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# 61

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I guess that this is the best thread to post this one on:

Here is yesterday's Daily Dilbert

Remind you of anyone?

--------------------
Love and Kisses, Steve_R


Posts: 990 | From: East Sussex | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Astro
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# 84

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A group of nuns were out driving when their car ran out of petrol, so they walked to the nearest petrol station and tried to buy some. As they did not have a petrol can they needed something to carry it in, now the owner of the petrol station did not particularly like nuns but he wanted their custom so he gave them a chamber pot to carry the petrol in. The nuns took it back to their car and were carefully pouring the petrol from the pot into their car when a man walked by and on seeing what they were doing said,
"I am not a member of your religion but I really admire your faith"

--------------------
if you look around the world today – whether you're an atheist or a believer – and think that the greatest problem facing us is other people's theologies, you are yourself part of the problem. - Andrew Brown (The Guardian)

Posts: 2723 | From: Chiltern Hills | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Gambit

London Shipmeet King
# 766

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quote:
Originally posted by Pete_I:
Gandhi never wore shoes, which gave him very corny feet. He ate a strange diet of lentils which made him quite weak and also gave him bad breath. And across India he was revered as a great spiritual leader.

Which made him a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-plagued-with-hallitosis.


If you try 'hexed-by-hallitosis' it works even better.

--------------------
There is a little bit of my mitral regurgitation that is forever yours.

Wiblog: Now being updated less than regularly (again).


Posts: 1105 | From: the best bar in Heaven | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
HoosierNan
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# 91

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I saw the comedian Bill Dwyer (of "Battlebots" fame) doing a stand-up comedy act. Part of the act went like this:

"I was raised Catholic, so that's the only religion I know about. I mean, the others seem weird. Like Lutherans--what's up with that? Do they worship Lex Luther from the Superman comics?"


Posts: 795 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
shoewoman
Shipmate
# 1618

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I've been entertaining my house group with some of these jokes for weeks - is it possible to put them into the archive?

--------------------
Maybe I should get an avatar.... or maybe not....

Posts: 652 | From: Germany | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32

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It will definitely be considered, but for right now this thread is still considered "live."

--------------------
Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll

Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Jonah the Whale

Ship's pet cetacean
# 1244

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Dear Lord:

So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lied or said anything bad about anyone. I have not been too grumpy, nasty, selfish, self-indulgent or greedy. I haven't been impatient,
complained or cursed. I haven't even charged anything on my credit card, and I haven't eaten any chocolate or drunk any gin.

However, in a few minutes I'm going to get out of bed, and I will need a lot more help after that.

Amen.


Posts: 2799 | From: Nether Regions | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
shoewoman
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# 1618

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There are two ways to begin a new day as a Christian: "Good morning, Lord!" or "Good Lord, it's morning!"

--------------------
Maybe I should get an avatar.... or maybe not....

Posts: 652 | From: Germany | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged
Xavierite
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# 2575

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Sister Mary is meeting the new class of students, and decides - as an icebreaker - to get the children to introduce themselves and talk a little bit about their parents. She goes around the class...

"What's your name?"
"John"
"And what does your father do?"
"He's a lawyer."

"What's your name?"
"Rebecca"
"And what does your mother do?"
"She's a housewife."

"What's your name?"
"Robert"
"And what does your father do?"
"He's a policeman."

"And what's your name?"
"Sarah"
"And what does your mother do?"
"She's a prostitute."

At this, Sister Mary's eyes boggle, and she begins to gasp for air. She stumbles back, leans on the desk for support, and mutters Hail Mary after Hail Mary, until her nerves are calmed. Then, with new resolve, she turns to the child...

"What did you say your mother does?"
"She's a prostitute, Sister Mary."

Sister Mary looks puzzled.

"A prostitute?"
"Yes."

A look of relief spreads across the nun's face.

"OH! Thank heavens, child! I thought you said 'Protestant'"


Posts: 2307 | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged
Saint Osmund

Pontifex sariburiensis
# 2343

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...which leads quite well into:

V/ How many Protestants does it take to change a lightbulb?
R/ None. They dwell in eternal darkness.


Posts: 2965 | From: here | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
Jehu son of Nimshi
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# 1368

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The Pope is on a trip around the UK and Bernard Matthews (the Chicken & Turkey Baron) manages to arrange a meeting with his Holiness.

Bernard Matthews says to the Pope "I've always been a big fan of yours, and I am really impressed with all the good work you do.... Now I hear you have been fundraising to fix the Vatican Roof. I have a proposition for you. I will give you all the money you require in return all I ask for is one one little favour."

The Pope intrigued by such a generous offer, enquires "What would that be?"

"All I ask is that you change one word in the Lords Prayer..... 'give us this day our daily bread', to 'give us this day our daily turkey'".

The Pope umms and ahhs for a bit, before saying "I'm not sure the Cardinal's back in Rome will agree".

Bernard Matthews determined to get the deal says "tell you what.... if it would change their minds, I prepared to throw in a years free supply of turkeys for each of the Cardinals as well"

The Pope replies "Well, I can't promise anything, but I'll see what I can do"

The rest of the trip passes without incident, but gives the Pope plenty of time to consider the deal. Upon his return to Rome, his Holiness summons all the Cardinals for a briefing of his visit.

A Cardinal asks "So how was the trip?"

The Pope replies "It was a very good trip. But one particularly memorable part was a meeting with a man called Bernard Matthews"

"Oh, in what way?" asked another Cardinal.

"Well, which would you like first... the good news or the bad news?" The Pope asks.

"Tell us the good news of course!!" they all chorused.

"The good news is that I think I have solved our leaking roof problem!!"

"That is Brilliant. But what is the bad news then?".

"The bad news is that we just lost the Hovis deal!!!"

--------------------
The shipmate formally known as Tigglet


Posts: 484 | From: Herts. UK | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
Living in Gin

Liturgical Pyromaniac
# 2572

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During an enumenical gathering, someone rushed in and shouted, "The building is on fire!"
The METHODISTS gathered in a corner and prayed.
The BAPTISTS cried, "Where's the water?"
The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed that there was no fire.
The FUNDAMENTALISTS shouted, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring fire was not justified.
The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessing that fire brings.
The JEWS posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass over.
The ROMAN CATHOLICS took up a second collection.
The CONGREGATIONALISTS & SOUTHERN BAPTISTS shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter.
The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out in grand style and...
The UNITARIANS toasted marshmallows!

***

Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Episcopalian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Episcopal priest said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

***

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well... are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

***

Q: How many "high-church" Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 58:

Crossbearer
Two torchbearers
Thurifur
Alcolyte to carry new bulb on pillow
Subdeacon
Deacon
Celebrant
50 member choir of men and boys to sing the Service for the Changing of a Lightbulb (1928 BCP, Rite IV)

-- David
Chicago, IL

--------------------
It's all fun and games until somebody gets burned at the stake.


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DuffelMan
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# 2633

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I can't be bothered to read all of this thread and see if someone's already written this one, so here goes...

Q. How many Methodists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. CHANGE??!!??


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Irvin D Yalom
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# 2833

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Two Christian men are talking.

One proudly announes, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. What about you?"

The second replies, "We-ell, I don't know. What was her maiden name?"

[Not very 'correct', I know... ]

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Unkl Davy
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# 2777

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It's kinda long ... but it's funny.

- - - - - - - - - - -
• Biblical Laws for Children
- - - - - - - - - - -

Household Principles for Children Based on the Old Testament
(Lamentations of a Father)
— By Ian Frazier

* Laws of Forbidden Places:

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.

Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy- cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.

Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

* Laws When at Table:

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.

Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.

And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert:

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:

If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.

But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

On Screaming:

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.

If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other, are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.

Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming.

Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.

* Concerning Face and Hands:

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.

And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb.

Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

* Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances:

Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.

Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape?

And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

Amen!

Posts: 216 | From: Silicon Valley | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged
Curious
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# 93

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Why did the Vicar walk into church on her hands?

Because it was Palm Sunday!

[Big Grin]

--------------------
Erin - you are missed more than you could know. Rest in peace and rise in glory - to provide unrest in the heavenly realms.

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HoosierNan
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# 91

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A certain monastery decided to open a fast food restaurant to make money to support its ministry. The newest novice was told to go to the kitchen and report for work, to be trained in the making of the various specialties of the house. It happened to be a Friday.

"Pardon me," said the young novice as he entered the kitchen. "I'm supposed to report to the Chip Monk."

"Sorry, my son, he's not here," said the cook. "I'm the Fish Friar."

Posts: 795 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
plassfan7
Apprentice
# 1076

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Ok, I just spent the last 1.5 hrs reading 5 pages of these jokes and puns...(quite entertaining!)...and I see my fav has yet to be posted.

******

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended a big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses?" said his wife. "What are those?"

"They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer.

"What's the difference?" asked the wife.

The farmer said, "Well, if I said, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' that would be a hymn.

But if I said, 'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA , the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,' that would be a praise chorus."

[Smile]

Bumper Sticker:
"God loves you, but I'm His favorite"

;^Þ
shannon

--------------------
Tell her that the lesson taught her far outweighs the pain.
~Adelaide Proctor~

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plassfan7
Apprentice
# 1076

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quote:
Originally posted by plassfan7:
Ok, I just spent the last 1.5 hrs reading 5 pages of these jokes and puns

...so now that I've already posted this..I realize it was only 4 pages......I guess it just felt like 5.

;^Þ

--------------------
Tell her that the lesson taught her far outweighs the pain.
~Adelaide Proctor~

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Lou Fourty-Two
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# 2578

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How can you spot a Christian fish?

It has a car stuck to its backside!

--------------------
Not insane, just universally misunderstood.

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Timothy L
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# 2170

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3 pints

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected me brothers though.”

--------------------
Timothy

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Unkl Davy
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# 2777

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• News/Convent of St. Elias

PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years.

When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.

However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.

Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.

When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base, amidst the strife of war torn Yugoslavia, and when she goes, that will be it. Thus, that's how it ends, with no Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

[Razz] [Razz] [Razz]

Posts: 216 | From: Silicon Valley | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

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# 68

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A quick Google search reveals that this is something to do with baseball. Could someone enlighten us as to the original quote it puns? My ignorance of baseball is almost complete.

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

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Miss_Molly

Toujours gai
Beloved
# 2339

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No runs, no hits, no errors, and no one left on base.

No one succeeded in rounding the bases, because no one succeeded in hitting the ball. No fielders (the team that is pitching the ball) made any mistakes. There is no one left on base to run in.

Hope this helps!

--------------------
"I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"

Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899

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HoosierNan
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# 91

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No runs, no hits, no errors, and no one left on base means that the team that is pitching the ball is doing very well, and the team up at bat is having a bad day!

(Baseball Mom)

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Miss_Molly

Toujours gai
Beloved
# 2339

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Sorry to post again so soon. What I actually should have typed was that no one succeeded in hitting the ball far enough to allow an opportunity to get on base. The fielding team were quick and clever, and put people out by catching the balls on the fly (in the air) or on the bounce, and "tagging" (touching the ball to) the runners directly or throwing the caught ball to someone who could tag the runner. Between the people put out this way, and the people whom the brilliant pitcher may have struck out (they never hit the ball at all), the side has been retired. They have had all their chances, and it is now the fielding team's turn at bat.

And thank you Hoosiernan, for making the results of this so clear. Indeed, one team is stymied!

--------------------
"I come from a state that raises corn, and cockleburrs and Democrats, and frothy eloquence neither convinces nor satisfies me. I am from Missouri. You have got to show me"

Congressman Willard Duncan Vandiver at a naval banquet in Philadelphia, 1899

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Tyler Durden
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# 2996

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Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot-dog salesman?

A: Can you make me one with everything...

--------------------
Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is a moron, while anyone driving faster is a maniac? Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 509 | From: Kent | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Gill H

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Reminds me of something on the late-lamented 'musical irreverence' thread of yore:

Lord, Make Us One (While You've Got The Kettle On)

--------------------
*sigh* We can’t all be Alan Cresswell.

- Lyda Rose

Posts: 9313 | From: London | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Irvin D Yalom
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# 2833

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quote:
Originally posted by Ravi Holy:
Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot-dog salesman?

A: Can you make me one with everything...

So the vendor makes and hands the Buddhist a hot dog with everything; then he says, "that'll be a dollar-fifty."

The Buddhist hands the vendor a five-dollar bill, and waits for his change. And waits. And waits.

Finally he says, "Where's my change?"

And then the vendor says, "Change must come from within."

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Meike
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# 3006

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Here’s one, but it’s not gender neutral:

God has just created the world. He has a converation with Adam in paradise.

GOD: 'Listen, Adam, I have good news for you. I intend to create for you a woman: She will be very attractive, extremely intelligent, a fantastic cook, and wants sex every time you want sex. What do you say?'

ADAM: 'Uhm, I don’t want to be unthankful, but... so much perfection scares me a little.'

GOD: 'Ah, all right then, I’ll make her less beautiful, only average intelligent and not such a good cook and she doesn't want sex every time you want sex. How about that?'

ADAM: 'Yeah, thank you, that sounds good.'

GOD: 'Fine, for that I need an arm from you.'

ADAM: 'What, an arm!!??? What do I get for...a rib?'

--------------------
“A god who let us prove his existence would be an idol” ― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

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Poet_of_Gold
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# 2071

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A little boy at a church play is reciting his lines when suddenly his mind goes blank. He looks out into the audience for clues, sees his mom looking at him, and reads her lips as she says, "I am the light of the world."

His eyes light up as he announces loudly, "My mother is the light of the world."

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Fudge

Pictish free citizen
# 425

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Quickie - what do you get if you cross a spiritualist with a Methodist? - Methylated Spirits.

Long One - An atheist goes swimming in the sea, and gets far away from his boat. Suddenly he sees a shark swimming rapidly towards him with its jaws wide.

In desperation, the man shouts, "Please God help me!"

A voice from Heaven booms - "Thou fool, thou dost not believe in me, why calleth upon me?"

The man screams "cos there's a blooming shark coming after me, and you're the only one I could think of! Go on, please help me,"

"Very well, what do you wish me to do?"
"Well, I'm still not very sure, but could you make the shark believe in you?"
There is a flash of lightning and the shark, even closer to the man now, stops, closes its mouth, sits up on its tail, closes its eyes, puts its fins together and says...
"Lord, for the food I am about to receive, make me truly thankful..."

[Big Grin]

--------------------
Stay me flagons ... or maybe tappit hens.

Posts: 347 | From: Aberdeen | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Confused Naieve Young believer
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# 3047

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I can't be bothered to see if anyone else has posted it, so I'll put it anyway.

two nuns are driving through the woods when a vampire jumps onto their bonet.

the first nun says " what do i do???"
to which the driver replies " show him your cross"
so the first nun leans out of her window and says "get off my bloody bonet!"

--------------------
1 Timothy 4:12
Do not let people look down on you beacuse your are young, instead be an example to the believers in your strength, faith and pure life

Posts: 62 | From: Shropshire, UK | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32

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HOST NOTE

More than one joke has been repeated; it looks like this thread has reached critical mass.

It's probably best that this thread have "Archive" status--closed but saved for entertainment/reference purposes.

--------------------
Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll

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