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Source: (consider it) Thread: Kerygmania: NUMBERS: The Bible Non-Stop
Autenrieth Road

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Numbers 1:1-47 

Date: 1/2/2 A.E.

"Moses," said I Who Am In Various Tenses With You.  "Come down to the Tent.  I have a job for you."

Moses went up to the Tent.  Now what?  His hand still had a cramp from all the laws.

"Moses," I Am Who etc. said.  "I want you and Aaron to count up the people.  Count them by families, by ancestral houses.  Count all the fighting men age twenty and over.  Take one person from each ancestral house to help you.

"The representatives are: Elizur bar Shedeur bar bar bar many bars Reuben; Shelumiel bar Zurishaddai bar bar bar many bars Simeon; Nahshon bar Amminadab bar etc. Judah; Nethanel bar Zuar bar etc. Issachar; Eliab bar Helon bar etc. Zebulun; two from the ancestral house of Joseph: Elishama bar Ammihud bar etc. Ephraim bar Joseph and Gamaliel bar Pedahzur bar etc. Manasseh bar Joseph; Abidan bar Gideoni bar etc. Benjamin; Ahiezer bar Ammishaddai bar etc. Dan; Pagiel bar Ochran bar etc. Asher; Eliasaph bar Deuel bar etc. Gad; and finally Ahira bar Enan bar etc. Naphtali."

"Phew," said Moses, whose hand was cramping worse from taking notes.

That same day, Moses and Aaron and the twelve chosen representatives, there in the wilderness, counted the people.

The descendants of Reuben, Israel's firstborn, counted by families, by ancestral houses, counting all the fighting men aged twenty and over, numbered 46,500.

The descendants of Simeon, counted by families, by ancestral houses, counting all the fighting men aged twenty and over, numbered 59,300.

The descendants of Gad--
but here the counting was interrupted as Eliasaph bar Deuel rushed forward.  He hadn't expected to be needed until near the end of the count--

The descendants of Gad, counted by families, etc., numbered 45,650.

Judah, 74,600.

Issachar, 54,400.

Zebulun, 57,400.

Ephraim bar Joseph, 40,500.

Manasseh bar Joseph, 32,200.

Benjamin, 35,400.

Dan, 62,700.

Asher, 41,500.

Naphtali, 53,400.

"Aaron, are you writing down the proper repetitive formula?" called Moses.

"I'll fill it in later," said Aaron, wishing Moses didn't have a handcramp and hadn't foisted the writing off on him. "Thank goodness for Arabic numerals," he muttered.

"How many does Israel, counted by families, by ancestral houses, counting all the fighting men aged twenty and over, number?" Moses asked, after a short pause.

"Hold on," said Aaron.  "Hmmmm, zero.  Five.  Five, eight, fourteen, twenty, ummmmm, five carry five.  Errrrrrrrr, three carry five.  Sixty.  That's six hundred thou--"

"The proper repetitive formula, hmmm?" said Moses.

"Oh, yes, umm, err, I mean," (Aaron flipped back to the start of his notes).  "Right, here we go.  Israel, counted by families, by ancestral houses, counting all the fighting men aged twenty and over, numbers six hundred three thousand five hundred fifty.  Except for us Levites, who you haven't counted."

[ETA: a bar.]

[ 02. July 2015, 21:25: Message edited by: Trudy Scrumptious ]

--------------------
Truth

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 1:48-54

Moses frowned slightly. "Now that you mention it, the Great & Powerful I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You did not give me a representative for the Levites." So he went back to the Meeting Tent, assumed a respectful position, coughed politely and said "Umm, excuse me, Sir?"

"You are wondering about the Levites, aren't you?"

"Well, yes."

"Don't count them."

Moses made a note to himself: "Levites don't count." There was a mild rumble of thunder and he quickly scratched it out and wrote "Don't count the Levites."

"Appoint the Levites to take care of the tabernacle, its furnishings and contents. They and they alone are to take it down when you move and they alone are to reassemble it when you stop. They shall carry it and attend to it and camp around it. If an unauthorized person trespasses, that person is to be killed."

Moses thought back to Aaron's boys and realized IAIVTWY was in earnest about this point.

"The People™ are to camp according to their divisions, each to his only clique, but the Levites and the Levites alone are to camp around the tabernacle. Otherwise I will get angry. In case you're memory is short, let me repeat: The Levites are responsible for taking care of the tabernacle."

Moses reported this to Aaron, whose brow furrowed. "Hang on a mo', Mo. What is all this about moving? Are we going somewhere?"

Moses shrugged his shoulders and went to convey the instructions to the Israelites and they did what the Lord commanded; they did, they did.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Jay-Emm
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Numbers 2

The Lord gave Moses a little map of the proposed encampment.
-------------- (Dan/Ash/Nap)---------------
(Eph/Man/Ben) Levites (Jud/Iss/Zeb)
--------------- (Reu/Sim/Gad)---------------

At this point Aaron interupted, "This seems a bit simple". Moses hissed "Not so loud". "Good point" said He with the complicated name involving tenses. "Lets include the chiefs, for Judah that would be?"
"Nashan"
"son of?"
"Amminadab"
"Hmm, put it in anyway. And how many people are in Judah, anyway?"
"I just wrote that down", complained Aaron.
"How many?"
"74,600"
"And where will their flag go?", asked Moses
"Up your...", started Aaron before a more divine answer suggested that by the camps was more fitting.

It was a long wait for Moses as Aaron finished the list* and when Aaran was finished (finally getting the sum of the 3 groups to match) the people ignored the instructions and just looked at the map.
On the plus side at least he had managed to save writing about the Levites. Thank God for small mercies. And nothing had been said about moving.

[ 10. November 2011, 18:13: Message edited by: Jay-Emm ]

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 3: 1-51

Now, to recap: Aaron had four sons, namely Nadab, Abihu, Elazar and Ithamar. And they were made priests. But Nadab and Abihu screwed up and got fired. Literally. They died before they had any children. So the line of Aaron was limited to Elazar and Ithamar to work as priests, which left something of a labor shortage.

And the Lord of Many Tenses said to Moses: “Tell the Levites that they are to serve Aaron and attend to the tabernacle. They are to keep our Meeting Tent properly furnished. This is My place, after all. Of all the People™, the Levites are to be assigned to Aaron and his boys, and only to them. To be clear, only those authorized are to be here in the tabernacle. Any unauthorized trespasser is to be put to death.”

Moses thought about Aaron, his sons and the Levites he had known, and he frowned slightly at this plan. The Lord said: “Look, I am calling the shots here. I say use the Levites. It makes good sense. I am taking them into my service rather than all the firstborn of all The People™. After all, all the firstborn are mine. Remember back in the old country? When I destroyed all the firstborn in the land—except for those of The People™ who had placed blood on the lintel? That was a substitution so that all the firstborn became mine. Now, I will take just the Levites in my service rather than all the firstborn of the Israelites. Following on from this thought, I want you to number the Levites.”

Moses, who had been following along reasonably well up to this point, did a double-take. “Didn’t you order me, just the other day, to most definitely NOT count the Levites?”

“And I did not want you to count them then. Count them now. All of them. Not just the first born. All of them. Well, all of them that are at least a month old. Well, all of them that are male and at least a month old.”

So Moses ordered the count. And the Levites were happy to hear it, because they were getting a lot of flak about not being included in the census. Really, one more “taking leave of their census” joke and fights were going to break out.

And here was the list (organized by where they camped around the Meeting Tent, family names and final count):

To the West: GERSHON-Libni-Shimei: 7,500

To the South: KOHATH-Amram-Izhar-Hebron-Uzziel: 8,600

To the North: MERARI-Mahli-Mushi: 6,200

Moses and Aaron also divvied up the duties. The Gershonites (under the leadership of Eliasaph bar Lael) took care of the tabernacle, the tent, the coverings, entrance curtains, courtyard hangings and ropes. The Kohathites (under the leadership of Elizaphan bar Uzziel) were in charge of the sanctuary proper—the Ark, the table, the lampstand, the altars, the utensils and the sanctuary curtain. The Merarii (under the leadership of Zuriel bar Abihail) were in charge of the frame of the tabernacle (incl. crossbars, posts, sockets) and the utensils and associated tools, as well as the pillars of the courtyards (incl. sockets, pegs and associated ropes).

Miriam looked over Aaron’s shoulder as he was making notes on all of this. And she asked the obvious question: “Who gets to live to the East?”

Aaron beamed: “Mo, me and the boys!” He then added: “We numbered the Levites over the age of a month and the number came to 22,000!” Aaron was proud of his math abilities, so Miriam didn’t point out that the numbers actually added up to 22,300. Besides, she couldn’t quite make out Aaron’s handwriting and it was possible that the Kohathites only totaled 8,300. At least, that is how she justified it to herself. She had always felt a little bad about the Nadab & Abihu flambé, so she tried not to upset Aaron unnecessarily.

When they were done, the Chief Census Taker said to Moses: “Now, if I am to take the Levites in lieu of the firstborn males of the rest of Israelites, I need you to count all the firstborn males who are at least a month old. In the same way count the livestock of the Levites and the firstborn livestock of the rest of the tribes.”

And Moses did this and he reported back: “22,273 firstborn males of non-Levite Israelites. And 22,000 Levites.” For he had accepted Aaron’s count even though he thought they added up to 22,300. But then, Moses couldn’t quite make out Aaron’s handwriting and he thought that it was possible that the Gershonites only totaled 7,200. At least, that is how he justified it to himself.

“Good, good, good,” said the Ultimate Good. “That leaves 273 Israelite firstborns who have not been redeemed. I shall accept a cash payment for them. Five shekels per head. And, of course, I mean sanctuary shekels--all 20 gerahs. No penny pinching! This redemption money is to be paid to Aaron and his boys.”

And Moses did this and 1,365 shekels were given to Aaron. Aaron did THAT calculation correctly.

The results of the livestock count were not recorded for posterity.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Nigel M
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Numbers 4:1- 20

“I've been pondering the state of My Tent” said I-Am-In-Various-Tents-With-You. “It looks a bit of a disorganised mess. Let's sort out the detail of who does exactly what, shall we, before you become the laughing stock of all the other nations?

“First off: get a good grip on the numbers from the Kohath clan that are now responsible for the really above-the-norm stuff. Record the numbers aged between 30 and 50. They are in scope for service. However, I don't want them wandering about packing stuff up any old how. Aaron's immediate family must take the lead on what to do when it's time to shift camp.

“They must unhook the inner curtain and cover the Witness Container with it. Then they must cover both with a decent leather blanket, followed by a blue fabric. Then they can stick the poles into the Container loops, ready for transport.

“Next, they must put a blue cloth over the utensils that are on top of the Faces-Table. Make sure they don't dislodge any Presence-Bread, because that must be replenished every day. A scarlet fabric must go over the blue one, and then a covering of decent leather. Only then can they insert the Table poles, ready for transport.

“What's left? Ah, yes; the lampstand. Blue cloth over all that, wrapped in decent leather, slung under a transporting pole.

“And now for the Altar. The gold one. Same routine – blue cloth, decent leather, insert poles. All the service utensils go in a blue cloth and decent leather wrapping, too, and are slung under another transporting pole.

"Don't forget the altar ashes, either."


“The ashes?” Queried Moses, popping up his etching hand. “Couldn't Aaron just dig a hole and park them underground?”

“Don't be silly. The People will scrabble to dig them up and keep some as a family protection talisman."

Sad shaking of head by Moses. It can take such a long time to effect a culture change. "Very well, blue cloth and decent leather covering, then."

"Whatever gave you that idea? That's just ridiculous. Put them aside separately under a purple cloth.”

Scratch-type etch. Marginal gloss by Moses.

“Whatever utensils are left after all this should also be wrapped in a decent leather bundle and slung on a transport pole.”

“Errm..” [etching finger pops up again] “I can see where this is going, but I really can't see Aaron, with the best will in the world, being able to lift the Container and all those coverings. He has grown a bit, ah, substantial, I'm afraid to say.”

”And that is where the Kohath clan comes in. They mustn't make contact with the above-the-norm stuff (that's fatal), but they can carry all the stuff on poles. That's their burden of responsibility. Leave Eleazar, Aaron's son, in overall control of all this, including the various oils, spices, and daily offerings. He – together with Aaron and his immediate family – must make sure the Kohathis are fully aware of where their responsibility begins and ends. We must not risk them being thrown out of the camp for want of a bit of care. Keep them well out of sight until the above-the-norm stuff is all ready to transport.”

“Right up Aaron's street” agreed Moses. “A hands-on managerial role.”

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Bullfrog.

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Numbers 4:21-28

...Exactly. And while you're at it, I want the numbers on the Gershonites, who (as they are able) will be in charge of bearing the curtains, the tent, its cover, the outer covering, entrance screen, court hangings, outer screen and associated cords, all that is included in maintaining these items, and really whatever else is necessary for their maintenance.

Moses paused. "So, while the Kohathites carry all the stuff that goes inside the tent, the Gerhonites carry the tent itself..."

And its accouterments.

"Accouterments, right. And this band shall also be overseen by Aaron?"

And his progeny.

--------------------
Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

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Nigel M
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Number 4:29-33

“We seem to have a few bits and pieces remaining,” noted Moses, “And I'm pretty sure we've got a tent peg left over here. Goodness knows where that should have gone.”

That should not happen” asserted IAIVTWY, “Because there's nothing so embarrassing to a deity as inhabiting an inner sanctum with smoke and fire, only to have the sanctum curtain blown away in a puff of wind for want of a securing peg. It's like having the outside loo tent blown away leaving you sitting au naturel and au public.

“So back to the progeny. Aaron's son, Ithamar, must also direct the mature workers from the Merar clan. They will be responsible for the tent frames, crossbars, posts, sockets, ropes, associated bits and pieces, and most important each and every tent peg. Leave nothing to Chance because I've seen how that god works.

“Now, time to get your abacus, fingers and toes out again.


And Moses regretted not having a 13th tribe, the Accountites, to do this sort of thing for him.

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 4: 34-49

So, as they had been commanded, Moses, Aaron and their helpers did Yet Another Count--this time the males aged 30 to 50 years old--amongst the families of the Levites. And the count was as follows:

KOHATH: 2,750
GERSHON: 2,630
MERAR: 3,200.

"Which makes a total for the Levites of...ummm...", Moses began.

"8,580!" said Aaron proudly. And he was right, too.

And so they were all counted as Moses was commanded to count all of them which, being commanded, they were counted according to the command to count them.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Bullfrog.

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Numbers 5:1-4

In the midst of all of this counting, Moses realized something. He walked into The Tent.

"Lord? "

Yes?

"We have a problem. Remember back when you told us what to do about people who had skin problems and other uncleannesses?"

Of course. How could I forget?

Moses paused, and took a deep breath. "Well, you see...we've got rather a lot of them. They're kind of crowding the camp..."

What???

"It's just getting to be too much work fro the priests to treat every person as an individual. I mean...all of the quarantining...it's getting hard to handle."

You cannot allow these things to infect the camp! You are to be my clean people! Above the norm! Holier than holy and all that! We cannot allow such debris to infiltrate the camp! What would the god of the philistines think? Get them out!

"But..." Moses stammered.

No. I want every single person: man, woman, or child who is unclean to be put out of the camp at once!

Moses, terrified, commanded the people. The people, terrified, carried out the order.

--------------------
Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

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Nigel M
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Numbers 5:5-10

Case number 02-01-315 (Year 2, month 1, anyone's guess on the number of cases so far this month...)

The constitution of The Supreme Court (i.e., Moses) hands down this judgement on the question of restitution in the event of there being no close relative to the victim.

Hitherto it has been the case that a violation against any person's trust shall be considered thereby a violation of trust against I-Am-In-Various-Heretotherebyunder-Tenses-With-You and shall incur a fine equivalent to the full cost of the matter in trust plus an additional 20% therebyover.

In the event of the victim no longer being able to receive the restitution, whereby the said restitution would fall in abeyance, said restitution shall fall thereby to the account of an approved close relative to the hitherto aforementioned victim.

Notwithstanding the absence of a said approved close relative to the hitherto aforementioned victim, the restitution shall belong to I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You via his designated representative, to wit, the priest.

In accordance with accepted custom in relation to the imago ad litem (i.e., the priest for these purposes), said restitution shall be further enhanced by the offender providing herewith a single ram for the office of guilt-removal.

Any out of the ordinary provision made to the priest shall belong to said priest. Above-the-norm gifts are personal until such time as they are given to the priest at which point theretofore they herebyunder whereforeover become the property of the priest, therebyhithertowherebywhathothereforthunderandoverandfullstop.

- - -

Moses stared at the tablet containing his judgement, which awaited his etched sign-off. He turned to the court scribe.

“I'm pretty sure I didn't use half the words you've scribed in here.”

“No, but I am sure you wished you did, Sir.”

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 5:11-31

“Oyez, oyez! The Court is now in session, Chief Justice Moses Drawn-Out presiding!”

Moses gazed at the litigants. A man and a woman. “Dollars to doughnuts,” he thought, “this is going to be about sex.” He turned to the bailiff. “What is the charge?”

“Adultery,” said the bailiff.

Moses beamed. “Ah, that’s easy!” He turned to the man. “Trot out your witness.”

The man shuffled his feet. “Erm, I don’t have a witness.”

Moses blinked. “No witness? But...but...but you’ve GOT to have a witness!”

“That’s not fair!” whined the man.

Moses blinked again. “How, exactly, is that not fair?”

“She’s sleeping with another man!!! It isn’t the sort of thing you do in front of an audience!!”

Aaron, sitting in the back of the courtroom, made a demurring noise. Moses glared at him, then turned his attention back to the man. “Then give me the name of the other man involved. We’ll question him.”

“But that’s not fair,” whined the man again. “If I knew who it was, I’d bloody well have a witness, now wouldn’t I?”

“So you don’t know who she is sleeping with and you have nobody who can prove that she is sleeping with anybody? I can’t rule on a case like that!”

“I can tell she is sleeping around,” whined the Whiner. “Just look at her!”

Now, truth being told, Moses had been looking at her and when the man said this Moses started guiltily. Aaron sniggered. Moses began to glare at him when suddenly the light of inspiration glowed in his eyes. Moses did not bother to hide his grin: “As you have no evidence that a human court would accept, I find that this case is to be referred to the priests for a judgment to be made by He Who Must Not Be Named.”

Aaron scampered out of the courtroom and dashed to the Sanctuary, thinking quickly. Presently the Whiner and the Woman appeared. The Whiner brought a tenth of an ephah of barley meal because, when visiting the Sanctuary, one does not go empty-handed.

Aaron poured holy water into a pottery jar, bent down to the floor of the tabernacle, scooped up some dust and mixed it in the water. The woman stood in front of the Lord’s I-Box with her head uncovered and Aaron pit the barley meal into her hands and then told her: “If you are innocent of the charge, you can drink this bitter cup without harm. BUT,” he raised his voice impressively, “if you are guilty of the charge, then....” And he looked ominously at her and shook his head gravely.

“And then?” asked the Whiner, completely spoiling the effect.

Aaron started to murmur a curse, but then it occurred to him (as if by inspiration) that this was the answer: “THEN, the curse shall fall upon you, woman, at the Lord’s doing. This bitter water will cause your thighs to drop off, your genitals to shrink, your belly to become bloated and you shall become barren! And you shall become a byword among the people and it shall be known as the Whiner’s Woman’s Curse!”

“Yadda, yadda. Whatever,” mumbled the woman. Aaron whispered: “A little more respectful, please.” The woman more loudly cried “Amen, amen! So it be it!” Aaron nodded, pleased.

He then proceeded solemnly to write the words of the Whiner’s Woman’s Curse onto a scroll and then washed the ink off into the cup of bitter water. He took the grain offering from the woman’s hand and brought it to that altar. A portion of the offering was burned on the altar. As the aroma arose from the altar and spread throughout the tent, he turned back to the woman and offered her the jar of water. She took it in her hands, thinking about all the stuff Aaron had put into it.

“Safe if I am innocent?” she asked.

“Perfectly. And if not innocent, then the Whiner’s Woman’s Curse will descend upon you.”

And then, somewhat surprisingly, she turned to her husband, looked defiantly at him and downed the water in a single gulp. The Whiner gasped and gazed expectantly at her belly. It remained non-bloated. Aaron gazed a long time at her thighs and they remained full and round. The Whiner, thinking that this inspection was going on a little too long, scowled at Aaron, who quickly said: “All in the line of duty. I proclaim her innocent of the charge.”

“I told you so, Herman!” she said contemptuously as she stormed out the Sanctuary. The Whiner followed her moaning: “I’m sorry, my pet!” And peace reigned in the Sanctuary.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Nigel M
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Numbers 6:1-21

Months of conditioning in The Camp and among The People had begun to bear fruit. Moses had every reason to be satisfied that the disorganised, heterodox bunch of whingers he had inherited were truly becoming organised, had a vision, and were Different From The Rest.

So different, in fact, that he had now to deal with that species of human that sought to demonstrate their difference by becoming Different From The Different: the goodly fanatic.

So many schools of thought now existed on how one should demonstrate one's total loyalty to I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You. The Higher-Than-Norm-Company-of-Dedicated-Unto-Death affiliates asserted that self flagellation was prescribed for two hours each day before dawn. The Society-For-The-Advancement-Of-The-Laws-Of-Our-God-Women-Only-Need-Apply proscribed mutilation in favour of absolute de-follification. A more recent set of ardents, the Jealous-For-His-Name-Zealous-For-His-Fame, advocated the muttering of special oaths over jugs of highly fermented beer. Nobody particularly wanted to spend too much time near, or in the company of, associates of any of these sects, partly because they would inevitably fall foul of some rule or other, and partly because their breath smelled.

So...

IAIVTWY spoke to Moses telling him to speak to The People and Moses did what he was told.

“All of you, the whole lot of you, are all set apart from the others round about us. However, there are some men and women among us who wish to take matters even more above the norm for a time. All those who so wish to take an extraordinary promise of an oath to be ever more so loyal to I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You will be called 'Princely-Priests' who are separated out from the rest. They will need to undergo a process of recognition and a series of tests to see just how long they can last:

“No alcohol. None at all. No, not even those grapes you leave fermenting on the shelf. In fact, stay away from anything that comes out of a vineyard whatsoever. Seriously, not even the grape skins or pips.

“No cutting of hair. Don't you know that hair is your glory? Let it grow unhindered and undisturbed.

“Stay clear of corpses. You must even hate your father, mother, brother, and sister in this regard. Don't even go near them when they die. Your loyalty now is to your God, not anyone else, and you must not let your long hair become contaminated. In the off chance someone unexpectedly shuffles off their mortal coil in front of you, your long hair will be defiled. You will have to cut it all off once you have undergone the seven day cleansing ritual, bring a couple of doves (or pigeons if you cannot afford the doves) to the priest at the Tent's entrance. The priest will perform the Slip-Up offering to put you right after being close to a corpse. I'm afraid to say you will have to begin your Princely-Priest period over again.

“Now at some point you will probably chuck this in for a game of soldiers. Here's how you get out of jail free. Bring offerings to I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You at the Tent. Something nice, like a young lamb. No defects, mind. Do the Slip-Up and Well-Being offerings. Now comes the ritual shave. You must shave off all the dedicated hair on your dedicated head and put it in the Well-Being offering fire. That will feel good. But there's more: the priest will take some really nice meat and biscuits from your offering, put them in your hands and hold them up to show that they are dedicated, then take them back again. After all, they do belong to the priest.

“And then you can go out and get drunk.

“So it will be that someone can make a really dedicated promise to set themselves apart for a time, without feeling that they have committed themselves for ever. They will then be better able to fulfil their oaths as a Kingdom of priests and princes.”

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 6:22-27

One day, Moses was having another chat with I Am In Various Tenses With You, when IAIVTWY said:

“I need you to take a message to Aaron and the priests.”

While pulling out his note slate, Moses considered all the possible topics and decided it was better not to guess. “About what?”

“When they finish with the offerings, they tend to leave the tent and shout to the People™ ‘You’re All Blessed!’”

“But aren’t they?”

“Of course they are. However, the blessing lacks decorum. Tell Aaron that this is how to place My name on the People™:

quote:
YHWH bless you and keep you.
YHWH let his face shine upon you and be gracious to you.
YHWH raise his face toward you and grant you peace.”


“YHWH? Not ‘IAIVTWY’?”

“Not this time. No.”

So Moses wrote it down and gave the message to Aaron. Aaron looked at the blessing and said: “Any chance for a vowel?”

“You’ve already taken a vow,” said Moses.

A period of dead silence followed. Not even the sound of crickets.

“Seriously,” said Aaron, “is that the best you can do?”

“This time, yes.”

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Bullfrog.

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Numbers 7:1-11

And so, it was finished. Moses sat down and wiped an inch of dust off of his forehead. Looking at his hand, he grabbed a rag, moistened it, and finished the job. Then he grabbed Aaron and the priests, and they covered every surface with oil, rubbing it up to a nice holy shine. The utensils were cleaned and polished. Everything was made ready, and so the animals were brought in, and the altar was covered in blood. Smoke rose, incense burned, and the whole place smelled like God.

The leaders of the tribes came, bringing heifers and pigeons, sheep and goats, all in ox-drawn wagons, adding to the smell and noise of holiness. And God spoke.

Since we're expecting all of these people to carry all of this stuff around in the wilderness, it'd be decent of you to distribute wagons and oxen to each tribe according to their need so they may be able to give out of their ability.

Moses started scratching on his scratching-stone. "Hmm...
  • Gershonites: Two carts, four oxen.
  • Merarites: Four wagons, eight oxen-to be supervised by Ithamar bar-Aaron.
  • Kohathites: No carts, no oxen - All items of theirs are too holy for wagons, must be carried on the shoulder.
So, a crowd began forming near the entrance to the temples. It was as if everyone wanted to bloody the altar first. Shouts broke out, fisticuffs. Oxen bellowed as they were run into each other like bumper cars. In the midst of the noise, a voice was heard. Moses was speaking, but there was something emboldening his speech that made people stop and listen.

Clearly, this is too chaotic. How about, instead of pushing past each other, we establish a schedule. I would like to see one leader arrive every day to make offerings before the altar.

And so it was done.

--------------------
Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

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Nigel M
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Numbers 7:12-88

“Now you know,” said Miriam in and with hindsight, “That would have gone a whole lot better if you had just listened to me and sorted out a wish list in advance. Then we wouldn't have had everyone giving the same thing. This episode is just like a wedding done by faith.”

“You're not supposed to define the Lord's will in advance” grumbled Aaron. “Nor are you supposed to divine it. The last thing we need is some state-sponsored prophetic nonsense.” His mind drifted to images of the Egyptian Seth School of Sooth, with its intensely dramatic demonstrations of donkey power. He shifted uneasily. His mind drifted to the Assyrian Ishtar Institute of Imminence, with its dramatic reconstructions of forthcoming spring renewals. He shuddered. His mind drifted to the Canaanite Ba'al Body of Beholders, with its dramatic interpretation of the divine-human bodily functions. He shot off to polish the golden lampstand.

“Oh well.” sighed Moses, staring at the pile of goodies in front of the altar, which had just been dedicated with messiah oil. He gazed from the pile to the etched recording of the sum total of goodies that had been offered by the leaders of The People over the past twelve days. The general ledger summed as follows:-

Shiny Goodies Section:
Platter, silver. 2 and 10 of. Approved weight = 30 and 100 units each
Sprinkling Bowl, silver. 2 and 10 of. Approved weight = 70 units each
Contents: finely ground flour.
TOTAL silver = 100 4s and 1,000 approved weight units (set-apart shelter version)

Pans, gold. 2 and 10 of. Approved weight = 10 units each
Contents: incense.
TOTAL gold = 20 and 100 approved weight units (set-apart shelter version)


First Rather Noisy Live Section – for the Going-Up, Flour, and Slip-Up offerings:
Bull, young. 2 and 10 of.
Ram. 2 and 10 of.
Lamb, first year male. 2 and 10 of.
Goat, male. 2 and 10 of.

Second Rather Noisy Live Section – for the Well-Being offering:
Bull, young. 4 and 20 of.
Ram. 60 of.
Goat, male. 60 of.
Lamb, first year male. 60 of.


“All in all,” Mused Moses, “Greater than the sum of the parts.” He went out to give his personal thanks to each of the tribal elders, in the order of their giving:

Diviner, son of People's-Offering, from the tribe of Praise;
God's-Gift, son of The-Little-One, from the tribe of Reward;
My-Father's-God, son of Strength, from the tribe of Honour;
God-Rock, son of Light-Shooter, from the tribe of Wow!-A-Son!;
God's-Friend, son of Mighty-Rock, from the tribe of Paid-Attention;
Giving-God, son of We-Know-God, from the tribe of Vindicated;
God-Hears, son of Mighty-People, from the tribe of Twice-As-Fruitful;
God's-Reward, son of Attack-Rescue, from the tribe of Forgotten;
Father's-A-Judge, son of My-Worker, from the tribe of Faithful-Supporter;
Brother's-A-Help, son of Mighty-People, from the tribe of Judge;
God-Acts, son of Troubler, from the tribe of Fortunate;
My-Brother's-No-Good, son of I-Saw-That, from the tribe of Life's-Hard.

“You really are an inspired lot.” Said Moses.

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Bullfrog.

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Numbers 7:89-8:4

And every time Moses went into the MyTent, he saw before him a huge chair, with matching footstool, and two great winged serpents guarding it. And every time, a voice spoke from somewhere over his head. Today it said:

When you set up the golden lamps, please have Aaron light them with oil.

Moses told Aaron, and it was done. The light played across the gold, sparkling from its based to its flowered ends, all hammered out and gleaming, according to the will of the Almighty.

--------------------
Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

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Nigel M
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Numbers 8:5-26

Moses was finding the job of ensuring The People's undivided loyalty to I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You somewhat straining; he was not getting any younger and neither was Aaron, who was finding the job of ensuring The People's undivided attention to detail in respect of The Tent equally straining. Big issue: how to keep all those people, in their respective tribes, focussed on priorities and away from international distractions.

“Government is going to be a key question for My People." Spoke I-Am-etc. from somewhere above the tent's big chair. “This is going to cause them trouble for generations. Today, however, let's sort out the immediate issue. We need a group of people that will live among each tribe and be the custodians of above-the-norm activities. They will set the example for the rest of the tribes and watch out for deviant activities. They will be the grass roots government enforcers. This will be the role of the Attached tribe. You will need to mobilise them, as follows:

“Douse them with water to symbolise the washing away of all rebellion. Have them shave all the hair off their bodies. They are then to wash all their clothes. In this way they will have demonstrated complete mobilisation. Next they are to take along the Flour Offering – the one with the nice olive oil – touched up with a nice young bull. Have them also take along a second bull offering for general mobilisation. I want them to come before My Tent with all of that.

“Right, Now have all the tribal representatives attend as well. They are to confirm the appointment of the Levites and agree to obey them. We must have corporate agreement here; I don't want any tribe to claim ignorance in the future. Aaron may then signal that they are formally appointed to work for me. Their first act can be to do the offerings for the Going Up and Slip Ups. In this way the Attached tribe will be completely covered. They will be separated out from the normal tribes and will belong entirely to me.”


“But – I thought I belonged to you? Aren't I the entirely devoted police force and judge of The People's activities?”

“You can't be everywhere at once, Moses. And you and Aaron won't be around for ever. I need a force among My People to keep them on the straight and narrow – answerable only to me. The principle runs like this: Everything on earth belongs to me and I have to remind people of that by having them relinquish title to anything born first. Remember when I acted to bring you away from The Most Powerful Nation In The World? I struck down the first born sons – they belonged to me. Now I am setting apart the Attached tribe to act as representatives in the place of the first born sons of My People. They will fulfil the functions of those People, making sure everything is done just right, as it should be, and not like the other nations. They will be a great support for Aaron and his sons in The Tent and then I won't have to keep on banging heads together all the time.”

And so it was.

“Mind you,” Moses – upon reflection a little while later, “Some of them are a bit raw behind the ears and are prone to make mistakes. Plus they are needed to administer their own family's estate as well. How should we get around these issues?”

“Well it wouldn't harm to let them stay in their families until they are 25 years old. That would cover the period of a generation's work and experience. It would also mean they would be treated with more respect by elders in other tribes. So then, don't take them into my above-the-norm work until 25, and while we are at it, retire them at 50 so that they do a generation's worth of my work and then go back to administer their estates. They can be used as expert advisers, but not to do the heavy work. Yes, that sounds good. Do that.”

"Retirement at 50?" Thought Moses, "I've missed a trick somewhere here."

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 9:1-5

However, before all this fuss with the census took place, during the first month of the second year after the Great Escape from Egypt, IAIVTWY was chatting with Moses out in the wilderness, as usual.

“Moses, I see that you seem to have misplaced your Date Planner during the move.”

Moses agreed as how he thought he had packed it in a box marked “Kitchen Utensils” but it wasn’t there.

“Try the one marked 'Pool Stuff' suggested the One of Many Tenses. “But in the meantime, may I remind you that I instructed you to celebrate my Pass Over So do it. On the 14th day of this month. At twilight.”

Moses, not being one who needed to be told twice—well, okay, yes, in this case he DID have to be told twice, but ignore that—he went out and he reminded the People™ (who most certainly DID need to be reminded, not just twice but seventy times seven times…). And they observed the Over Pass of the Lord. And then they did it right.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Nigel M
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Numbers 9:6-14

“It's all getting rather wearing.” Moses, addressing a point a bit to the left of the right-hand most cherub, above the box cover in The Tent, where he guessed I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You might be placed.

Over here.” Assisted God.

“Ah. Thanks. It's just annoying that every time we get down a simple directive – like that Pass Over thing – someone pops up with a 'Yes but what happens if...' or 'That's all very well, but how about when...' and then I have to make exception rulings. It's like the death by a thousand cuts. I even get cases on the 'Thou, yea verily Thou, Shalt Not Murder' principle. I mean, is nothing fixed?”

Over here, now." Voice right. “I'm pacing.

Moses swivelled his head a few degrees left and right in an attempt to empathise with an anthropomorphised pacing up and down deity. “So the current case is of someone who had been in contact with a recently dearly departed and who was therefore in conflict with the Pass Over stipulations.”

Very well. Here is the ruling: For anyone who is in anyway sub-norm at the time when Pass Over is to be celebrated, let them wait for one month. Then they can celebrate on the fourteenth day of the second month instead. They must do exactly the same things as those who celebrate at the proper time. Sorted?

“Absolutely.”

“Case number two”

What else can be the matter?

“The case of someone who could have celebrated Pass Over at the right time, but who failed to do so.”

Oh come on, I would have thought that was obvious. The one who does not undergo Pass Over is not Passed Over. He is still among the people of The Most Powerful Nation in the World and will be judged accordingly. All right?

“Right.”

“Case number three.”

Just how many have you got today, exactly?

“Well...” Like Father Abraham, Moses knew when to stop pushing his luck. “This will be it for now. What about the immigrants in the camp? Are they to celebrate or not?”

I think we covered this principle before. Native citizens and immigrants must have the same rights and responsibilities. If an immigrant wants to celebrate Pass Over, then he must be allowed to do so – only following the same set of rules. There. Incidently, why are you shaking your head slowly from side to side?

“I'm just trying to keep up with your pacing – never mind.”

Well, you can stop now. I've put my feet up for a bit.

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 9:15-23

And the thought of the Lord putting up His anthropomorphized feet was greeted with some sense of relief. As you MAY REMEMBER, when the tabernacle was originally set up a cloud covered it during the day and, during the night, the cloud sparkled like fire—rather like a divine nightlight, which was very handy if you wanted to get up and get a drink of water during the night.

But whenever the cloud rose and moved away, then the Israelites would scurry after it and shove the tabernacle under wherever the cloud settled (thereby setting the precedent of people storing their personal information in “the cloud”).

Day or night, if the cloud moved, they moved; if it stayed, they stayed. It might stay for a couple days, or weeks, or months—as IAIVTWY deemed fit. Understandably, this discouraged planning long-term improvements like the planting of crops or building pretty community fountains.

And so The People™ trusted in the Lord, following the cloud and following the instructions given them by the hand of Moses.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Nigel M
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Numbers 10:1-10

“OK. That could have gone better.” Observed Aaron with his 'follow-the-cloud' hat on. “At least we're out in the wilderness and there aren't many nations around to see that.”

Moses and he were surveying the outcome from a test run of the process to move camp. Early morning (first hour) prayers had been interrupted by news of a pile up on the West End. The Gershonites had been a tad slow off the mark and the lead elements of Ephraim had piled into their rear. Rubber necking by Naphtali to the north had caused Benjamin to swerve off to the right hand (inevitable, given their name) and very nearly caused the Merarites to drop The Tent crossbars they were carrying. By the time Moses had arrived to sort out the mess, Zuriel (the tribal chief of Merari) was preparing a suit against Abidan (chief of Benjamin), who was denying culpability. Moses (with his judicial hat on) could see the effort spent in actually moving everyone would be equalled only by the effort he would have to spend in court each day sorting out the resultant mess.

Never being a man to let an issue lie for long in his In Tray, Moses turned aside and sought guidance from The Top Hat.

Military array.” Identified IAIVTWY with his Supreme Commander hat on. “My People need the discipline of the military for this. Make a couple of unusually hard to play trumpets that will sound different from the ram horns that everyone seems to have these days. Knock them up out of an ingot of silver. When both of these are blown (we'll sort out the tune later), that will be the signal for everyone to attend outside the Meeting Tent. If only one trumpet is blown (tune later), then just the clan leaders should attend. A particularly noisy blast will signal the departure of the tribes to the east of the Tent. Blast number two is for the departure of the south-side boys. And so on.

“Important to note. The note for the first party must not be note for the second. And the note for the departure must not be the note for the attending. Tell you what, better get Aaron's sons alone to do this, otherwise we'll have no end of a pile up. We'll also need to arrange a nice little ditty for battle, something distinctive so that when you whistle, I'll come.

“Actually,"
(party hat on) "Let's use the same trumpets for the festivals, too. Give it a blast over the offerings. I'm sure that will help with the memory, so that they don't forget who your God is and that I have a standing invite to the parties.

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 10:11-28

Finally, the day came when all their long practice was to come in handy. On the 20th day of the 2nd month of the 2nd year, the cloud up and scooted away from Sinai (and its surrounding wilderness) and headed in the direction of the wilderness of Paran.

“Ah, to be in Paran now that Spring is here!” sighed Miriam happily.

According to plan, the silver trumpeters sounded the departure: The camps to the east (Judah, Issachar and Zebulun) departed first to a tune that sounded suspiciously like “Sweet Georgia Brown.” Meanwhile, in the center where the Levites were camped, the tabernacle was disassembled and carted off by the sons of Gershon and Merari. They followed after Judah and company.

Next, the tribes to the south (Reuben, Simeon and Gad) headed out to the sound of trumpets (“Is that ‘Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B’?” asked Moses). Following them, from the Levites, were the Kohathites carrying the articles of the sanctuary—trusting that the tabernacle would be properly set up under the cloud by the time that they arrived.

They were then followed by the people to the west, namely the camps of Ephraim, Manasseh and Benjamin, marching to the tune of “My Funny Valentine” (and the sniggers of Aaron and Miriam—“Next time,” said Moses severely, “I pre-approve the play list.”).

Finally, composing the rear guard of the procession, came the tribes to the north composed of Dan, Asher and Naphtali, marching briskly (and somewhat gratefully considering the other selections) to “Java.”

This, then, was the traveling arrangements of The People™ when they departed Sinai, the mountain of the Lord.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Nigel M
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Numbers 10:29-36

Memo
From: Scriptor Nunim
To: Rabbi

My teacher,

Further to our discussion of the 14th inst. when I mentioned that three fragments of a scroll had fallen out of the box containing Moses' 4th.

As you recommended, I searched diligently through Moses 4 to see if there was a matching gap into which these fragments could be placed. Then I instructed two students of mine to do the same so that there would be more than two witnesses to the operation. Each of us independently came to the same conclusion. There was no place into which we could faithfully stitch the fragments. I fear that you are right in thinking that a musician took the text away in order to write a psalm around it – ripping the various lines in pieces to do so and avoiding detection by not taking the entire Moses 4 out of the temple library.

May I recommend that we re-insert these lines after the movement of the ark from Sinai and before the coming down of fire? I will notate them before and after with my surname's initial to make clear that we are not sure these lines actually belong there.

Well-being be upon you and your family.

- - -

Now the son of Reuel, Jethro (Moses' father-in-law) had returned to his own country in Midian where he had a cosy pension as a priest. His son Hobab, however, had remained with The People at Sinai. Moses had noted that the sons of Midian did not have a place in the marching order, not being a tribe of The People. It seemed a bit churlish, however, to leave Hobab and his relatives at Sinai, what with the family connections and all that.

“Peace be upon you, your family, your sheep and your goats.” Kicked off Moses. There followed the usual formal communication game of roundabouts. “It might rain one day here and it would be bad for the goats should they get a cough beneath the palms.”

“My sheep are yearning for the acacia trees where they know no sneezes.” Thus Hobab.

“Yet a cough in the hand is worth two sneezes in the bush.”

“Perhaps indeed a site for saw eyes here is far from the midian crowd.”

“Indeed an eye for an I would be a friend in separating the sheep from the goats”

“OK, you've convinced me. I'll come with you.”

And so it was that our heroes pulled up stakes and set forth, gallantly. Annoyingly, The Box went out in front instead of in the middle of the tribes where it belonged and it took Moses three days to wheeze his way to the front of Judah to call a halt to progress and sort out the Kohathites, whose undoubted enthusiasm was literally misplaced. It transpired that The Box was somewhat heavy and the loyal sons of Kohath had been desperate to find somewhere to park it quickly.

- - -

[Nun]
And seamlessly straitway without a hiatus in the plot did I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You's cloud cover them each day when they set out from the camping site.

Whenever The Box set out on a journey Moses would pronounce:
“Rise up, I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You!
May your enemies be scattered;
May those who hate you flee before you!”

Whenever The Box came to rest, Moses would pronounce:
“Return, I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You!
To the many battalions of Israel!”
[Nun]

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 11:1-3

The People™ were God’s children and, like many children on a long trip, they started to complain: “Are we there yet? I’m bored! Are we there yet? We’ve been traveling forever! Are we there yet? My feet hurt! Are we there yet? We’ve been marching so long! Are we there yet? My feet are burning!...”

In retrospect, this last complaint was perhaps too suggestive. The nose of He Who Must Be (But Seldom Is) Obeyed became inflamed (anthropomorphically speaking), His face grew red and, in short, He lost his temper:

“Your feet are burning?!!??! You think so?!?! You call that burning?? If you want a hot foot, I’ll give you a freaking hot foot!!!

And then the divine fire—the same sort of stuff that incinerated Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu—burned through the camp, consuming the outer parts of the camp and singeing some dawdlers. The Gripers® hurriedly went to Moses pleading: “IAIVTWY is your friend! Talk to Him for us!” Moses looked out his tent and saw the Fire of the Lord. He sighed heavily, wondered briefly how long it would take for this rabble to learn to pray properly for themselves during times of suffering instead of always relying on him, and prayed: “Sir, would you please cool it? I mean, literally?”

IAIVTWY chuckled briefly and said: “You are lucky that I am a sucker for a bad pun.” And the sacred fire, sacred flame ceased.

And so Moses called the place Burnt (having been talked out of naming it “Singennati”) in the hope that, by doing that, maybe the People™ would learn their lesson. But, really, he should have known better.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Nigel M
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Numbers 11:4-9

On the outskirts of town one will always find the rabble. The riff-raff. Those who fidget in an unsocial way (from the point of view of those in the fashionable centre of town). Thus it was with The People. There were those who fitted nicely into the well-ordered tribal set up around The Tent, and then there were The Rest, who didn't.

From the point of view of The Rest, it was bad enough being liminal. For whatever reason – economic, social, on-the-run-from-someone-else – they had latched onto The People and had little motivation to cut the ties, even though they were not welcomed into the core of things. What made things a tad fraught, though, was that when The People complained about something, it was The Rest that were barbecued.

The time came when The Rest decided to reverse the order of things to see if that improved their lot. So they were the ones to start a complaint. “Aieee and Woe to the third and fourth generation! Are we ducks that we should eat nothing but bread all this time?”

It worked. In no time at all – or at most in the time it takes for a piece of gossip to migrate across a town (in other words, no time time at all) – The People had taken up the Woe as if it had been their own.

“Oi Vay, Mine stomach. Manna, manna, manna. All I ever get is manna. Manna soup, manna with manna croutons, manna boiled, manna fried; manna – I drown in nothing but manna. Do I remember the fish?”

[Chorus] “Aieee! The fish!”

“Yes, the fish; such beautiful fish! All gleaming and wet, so fresh! And free!!!”

[Chorus] “Yes; So free!”

”The cucumbers!”

[Chorus] “Ohhhh! The cucumbers!”

“So crunchy, so moist, so – so – so unlike manna!”

[Chorus] “And don't forget the melons!”

The groans from the chorus grew as they clasped their midriffs and commenced rolling on the ground. The wail level increased palpably with mention of leeks, onions, and condiments. It was proven true: man cannot live by bread alone. He needs meat. Succulent meat. Juicy, saucy, dripping, fresh-off-the-bone, delicious, scrumptious, luscious, red-hot, toothsome, voluptuous, delectable meat. What did manna have to offer by way of comparison? Sticky gum-like substance with the consistency of coriander seeds, which had to be collected from the ground early each morning, ground down, and served up like something school cooks used to make do with in large pots. Three times a day. For three months.

And the Woe spread quickly across The Camp.

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Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
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[Public Service Announcement]

We have only one more book till Torah.Repeat: We have only one more book till Torah. Please do your part.]

[/message ends]

--------------------
I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 11:10-25

And Moses heard these complaints. And heard them. And heard them. Everybody came to the door of his tent and complained. And, when I say “everybody” please go back a few chapters and review the numbers from the census that was taken. It seemed like every one of them came to complain. With his nerves badly frayed, Moses decided to go talk to the One of Many Tenses. His timing could not have been worse.

”Moses!” thundered I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You. ”Your people are starting to really tick me off!”

The days of hardship; the pressures of leadership; the weariness of wandering in the wasteland following a pillar of clouds; the demands of dealing with all the rituals and requirements--these all had taken a toll on Moses.

He snapped.

“My [expletive] people?!?!??! What the [expletive] did I every do to You to [expletive] deserve this? Why am I the one who has all this [expletive] dumped on me? My people? FOR THE LAST [expletive] TIME, THESE ARE NOT MY [expletive] PEOPLE! They are not the fruit of my loins. Not even the vegetables of my loins. Certainly not the pastries of my loins. Or the sirloin of my loins.”

A word of explanation should, perhaps, be added here. As you may recall, the people had been complaining about not having enough variety in their diet. It is no great surprise, then, that Moses was beginning to obsess about foodstuffs. His language was becoming--if you will excuse the term--peppered with food terms.

Moses continued: “These people--Your People, as You may recall--are carnivores. They...Eat...Meat. And they come to me, because, for some reason, they think I can give them meat. Me. Always me. They bleat like sheep--No! Scratch that! Sheep we could eat. They bleat like stones! No, wait. Stones don’t bleat. The people make noises like stones..no, they...oh, screw the [expletive] metaphors! They are idiots! And they all look to me to solve all their [expletive] problems.”

Moses took a deep breath and then enunciated slowly: “I...can’t...take...it...any...more. I can’t do this by myself. If this is the way it is going to be, Just Kill Me Now. It would be a [expletive] kindness.”

IAIVTWY listened. And then He spoke, calmly.

”All you had to do was ask. Go gather 70 men from the elders of The People. Bring them to the Meeting Tent and I will have a word with them and spread the Spirit that is on you amongst them. Then they can bear some of the burden and you won’t have to do it all.”

“Oh,” said Moses, taken aback. “That was easy as pie. I’ll go right out and do it now! Thanks Chief!”

“Oh, and Moses? While you are doing that, spread the word amongst the rest of The People that they should get themselves cleaned up and ready for a meal because tomorrow they will eat meat.”

“Oh! That’s great! That’s putting a cherry on top! I’ll just...”

“In fact, tell them that because they want meat so badly they will eat it not just tomorrow, nor for two days or five days, or ten or twenty, but they will have a whole month of meat.”

“That does seem rather...”

”In fact, I’ll shove the meat so far down their pieholes that it will come squirting out their nostrils, soil them and make them nauseous. And then, perhaps, they will learn not to show contempt for their God or despise their Lord, who brought them out of Egypt and whom they now think made a mistake--as if they think that I am not nearly as clever as they are.”

“You know, that is a lot of food. I mean, we are talking about some 600,000 people. 600,000!!!! Where, in the middle of this desert, are you going to find enough meat to stuff them for a month? We don’t have that much in the herds or the flocks. And fish don’t seem like a likely choice at the moment.”

“And you, too, seem to think that you are smarter than Me. Given what you have seen Me do over the past couple of years--plagues of frogs, separating a sea, providing manna--do you really doubt me?” And then IAIVTWY enunciated slowly. “Just...You...Wait...And...See.”

“Okey dokey,” said Moses, quailing a little at that last bit. He realized that he had pushed things a little too far. And he thought to himself that he really needed to get those 70 elders together fast, because it looked like there was going to be some tough times ahead.

So Moses spread the word and gathered the selected elders. He brought the elders to the Meeting Tent. And the One of Many Tenses came in a cloud and had a word with them and they were filled with the Spirit that was in Moses. And, just for a test spin, IAIVTWY allowed them each to prophesy just once, to prove that they did, indeed, have the Spirit.

But just the once. Because He really didn’t want them to know what was coming next.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Lamb Chopped
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Moses took a deep breath, started to relax--

And Joshua came thundering up and skidded to a stop.

"Moses, Moses!" he cried. "Some dude just told me that two of the elders back in the camp--"

"In the camp?" frowned Moses. "Bloody idiots, can't even follow directions and get their sorry asses out here..."

"Yeah, yeah, but they're prophesying too, and you gotta stop them!" Joshua was dancing up and down already. "Cause they're stealing your thunder! Soon they're going to take it all away from you and you'll be out of a job!"

Moses stopped suddenly--and then smiled. A huge, beatific smile, that spread slowly from ear to ear, till Joshua thought it would meet round the back of his head.

"Out of a job?" he said slowly. "If only God would put his Spirit on ALL the people!" He cocked an eye toward the sky--

And a Voice said, "Nice try, Moses. Don't push your luck."

--------------------
Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Nigel M
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Numbers 11:31-35

Ironically as it turned out, IAIVTWY did indeed put his spirit right among them. He blew up and brought in from the sea - probably against their better judgment – a huge quantity of quail. The he let them drop quite conveniently all round the camp, out as far as someone could walk in a day, and up to about a metre, which in imperial Akkadian was about three feet, which in imperial Egyptian was a couple of arms high.

“Interesting.” Thought The People. “Dead bird.”

And behold The People did rampage grossly across the land with yelps of joy and gay abandon, gathering unto the minimum of fourscore homers (which in imperial Akkadian was 60 parsiktu, and in the metric was more than you could shake a dead frog at).

Evening came, and morning came, and evening came, and Moses had the quietest couple of days in The Tent since its erection. Everyone was out preparing the quail for their first foray into civilised delicatessen, but unfortunately some of them either they hadn't quite got the hang of preparing beef jerky, or they just lost patience, and they set about stuffing it into their gobs before they should have. Nature took its course and IAIVTWY's fiery nostrils blazed again – and horrible things happened to their insides.

“Patience” said Moses, “Is a virtue” as Joshua finished banging a post into the ground with a large place sign atop, among the newly prepared graves of those who had succumbed to matters intestinal, labelling the entire gastric zone: Impetuous Cemetery.

And just as IAIVTWY had burst in with quail, so The People burst out of that place. Everyone seemed to be having a problem with wind then.

They all headed for the town named Enclosure and parked there.

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Lamb Chopped
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Numbers 12

After a long day at the Tent, Moses was looking forward to a little peace and quiet at home. But as he got closer, he heard the sounds of quarreling. Then a slap. Then another.

"What the hell are you doing?" he cried, as he pulled apart his wife Zipporah and his sister Miriam.

"This Cushite woman you married can't cook worth a crap," she said, rubbing her cheek. "She's gone and burnt all the leftover quail!"

"Well, I like that!" said Zipporah furiously. "Invite yourself to dinner, why don't you, and then bitch about the food! Moses, tell her to get out of here!"

Moses opened his mouth to say something when his brother Aaron (who had been cowering in a corner of the tent) jumped in.

"Oh, sure," he said bitterly. "Get Moses to deal with it, Moses the big man, Moses who runs everything! You think people would notice me, I'm the high priest and everything, but no, it's Moses this and Moses that..."

"And I'm the worship leader!" said Miriam. "My music is just filled with the Spirit, everyone says so!"

"That's right!" said Aaron. "You think you're such hot stuff..."

Now Moses was the most humble person on the face of the earth, more than anybody else you ever heard of.

INTERLUDE

[much much later, Moses, with scroll and pen in hand: "Lord, do I have to write that?"

IAIVTWY: "Who's inspiring this Torah, you or me?"

Moses sighed, and picked up his quill.]

INTERLUDE OVER

Now IAIVTWY heard of all this, naturally enough, and his nose got hot. So he said in a booming voice,

"All of you kids, right now, out to the Tent! I don't want to hear one more word out of you. Don't make me turn this migration around!"

So out to the Tent they went.

God was waiting for them, standing at the door in a pillar of cloud. He said,

"Aaron! Miriam!"

Shaking, the two of them stepped forward.

"I'm going to talk Very Slowly now, since you're obviously hard of understanding. Listen up.

"MOSES IS DA MAN. NOT YOU. You may be a priest, you may be a prophetess, but but I know Moses. I talk to Moses. And you, Aaron and Miriam, are NOT Moses.

"Now get out of my sight before I do something you'll regret. Kids these days, I ask you!"

And IAIVTWY went up from the Tent in the pillar of cloud. And Aaron and Miriam looked at each other--and Aaron went white in the face and said, "OMG, what's that on your face?"

She said, "What? Have I got a zit or something?"

And Aaron, in his official job as high priest, told her, "No, Sis, you've got leprosy!"

And turning to Moses, he fell on his kness and begged, "Please, bro, I mean O great-and-mighty-leader-whom-God-chose, fix it, talk to God, let her be all right again!"

Moses was already on his knees. "Please, God, heal her!"

And a slightly cranky voice came from the cloud: "Oh come on, did a little fatherly discipline ever hurt anybody? Have her stay outside the camp for a week, and then you can bring her back in, good as new."

So Aaron and Moses hustled her out of the camp and got her a spare tent to stay in, where she spent a week, pondering the error of his ways. Aaron, protected for the moment by his office as high priest, walked very very carefully around the Lord for the next while. And Zipporah gave the burnt quail to the dogs.

Moses sat at the door of his tent, drinking a beer and enjoying the temporary peace and quiet.

After that, the people left Hazeroth and encamped in the Desert of Paran.

[ 20. October 2012, 18:55: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]

--------------------
Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Nigel M
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Numbers 13:1-25

Moses flicked aside one of the hanging curtains that set apart a quadrant of his tent introduced by the notice 'War Room'. He squatted down at one end of a long rug that, curiously enough, had been embroidered with a map of the lowlands to the north. Also present around the rug-map were Joshua (newly appointed Head of The People's Armed Forces) and Aaron, Head of Ideological Morale.

“Right;” Commenced Moses. “Status report, please.”

“My Master.” (Joshua speaking). “Plans for reconnaissance of The Lowland continue apace. As ordered, I have been training up the Daleth Force wing of special forces, consisting of the best of the best representatives from each tribe. They await your orders.”

“Excellent.” Responded Moses. “Let's brief them, then.”

They trooped out of the tent and came face to face with the finest specimens of The People, honed to perfection, and dressed up in disguise as merchants from the local area.

“Hello.” Commenced Moses, who was not all that sure of military protocol. Joshua translated this into something akin to a string of capital letters in bold font followed by several exclamation marks. The best of the best swung to attention with a simultaneous bang.

Moses re-emerged from behind Aaron, who had been too slow to hide behind Moses. “Please warn me before you do that again” he urged Joshua. Then he faced the troop.

“Now you all know we have been working our way northwards from Mount Sinai and are now in a busy zone of peoples. We've had to park here in the Paran Desert to get some privacy, but the time has come to investigate the land of the Lowlands to the north that our God promised to give to us. Here are your orders: Work your way up through the Dry Zone and into the Mountain Zone. I need to know everything you can tell me about the whole territory, the soil composition, the quality of the inhabitants, their strengths and weaknesses, their numbers, their homes. We need to know whether they have walled towns or not, the fertility levels, quantity of trees, and so on.”

“Nice to have some fruits back, too.” Whispered Aaron, licking his lips.

Moses' eyes rolled skywards, but he passed on the request anyway. Then he asked Joshua to introduce him to the men and he inspected the troops as Joshua named them:

Reporter son of Remembered, of Reuben's tribe
Settled son of White-Stuff, of Simeon's tribe
Doggy son of In-Your-Face, of Judah's tribe
Redeemer son of God-Adds, of Issachar's tribe
Escaper son of Healer of Benjamin's tribe
Rich-God son of Friendly, of Zebulun's tribe
Rich son of Horse, of Joseph's (i.e. Manasseh's) tribe
God's-People son of My-Camel, of Dan's tribe
Concealed son of Who-Is-Like-God, of Asher's tribe
Hidden son of Shining, of Naphtali's tribe
Great-God son of Lie-Low, of Gad's tribe.

“And I” Concluded Joshua, “Will be travelling under the code name 'God-Wescues' rather than 'God-Rescues', son of Increase, of Ephraim's tribe. They'll never spot me that way.”

“Right you are then. You chaps can be dismissed if that's the right word.” And Moses turned quickly to Joshua - “But wait until we're out of earshot.” And he and Aaron beat a hasty retreat.

So it was the the operatives of Daleth Force reconnoitred the whole of The Land. They diligently noted everything there was to see, starting from the front of Moses' tent and ending up away up north near the Galilee Lake on the Hamath Road. They had worked their way up via the Dry Zone, through the territory of the Tall Peoples who had been based at the town of Alliance before even the capital city of The Most Powerful Nation on Earth had been built. When the Force reached Cluster Valley they appropriated a large branch of grapes, some figs and pomegranates, which they attached to a pole that two of them carried (and that was why the place was called Cluster Valley).

Forty days it took them to complete their task.

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 13:26-33

And after that, Daleth Force came back to The People™, who were still nestled snugly in the wilds of Paran. The Force was with the community and they showed off the fruits of their labors—namely, grapes, figs and the occasional pomegranate.

Moses said: “Ahem. Yes, those look yummy. But do you remember the actual point of this scouting mission?”

Joshua was busy stuffing his face with figs. Reporter, son of Remembered, handled the report for Daleth Force. “Oh, yes. Certainly. We went where you told us to go and we found it a land flowing with milk and honey!”

Moses: “Ah. The waterways are polluted, then?”

Reporter: “No, no. I just meant that the land is fruitful and abundant. And speaking of fruitful, did you notice the fruit that we brought back? They are right over . . .”

Moses: “Yes, yes. Very yummy. And stop trying to change the subject. Give me a military assessment of the land.”

The members of Daleth Force looked distinctly uncomfortable.

Reporter: “Ummmm, yeah. About that. Well…you would agree, would you not, that a child raised amidst such abundant milk, honey and fruit would likely grow up big and strong?”

Moses: “Certainly.”

Reporter: “Well, here’s the thing. They did. The inhabitants there grew up big. And strong. And so did their cities. Big. Strong. And big. And, you know, strong. If you catch the way I’m drifting. The descendants of Anak are living there. Amalekites are in the dry land. The hills are alive with the sound of Hittites, Jebusites and Amorites. By the sea and along the banks of the Jordan are those Canine-ites.”

Moses: “I believe it is pronounced ‘Canaanites.’”

Reporter: “I saw them. I stand by my pronunciation.”

Under the circumstances, it was somewhat ironic that, at this point, Doggy, son of In-Your-Face, shushed everybody up and proclaimed loudly: “We can take them! Let’s go up there and trounce their ashes! We’re Number 1! We’re Number waaauukk!” That last noise came because the rest of Daleth Force (not counting Joshua, who was busy skinning a large cluster of grapes) rushed up, grabbed Doggy and dragged him back while shoving a gag in his mouth.

Reporter told the community: “Pay no attention to that man behind the gag. Remember: Big. Strong. Really big. Really strong. Bigger than us. Stronger than us. That land we went to devours its people. It is hostile. Canine-ites will chew our bones. And, come to think of it, the land isn’t all that fertile. Skim milk. Plain old clover honey. It wouldn’t surprise me if the fruits were wax.”

Moses, glancing at Joshua (who had started munching on a pomegranate) raised an eyebrow in skeptical disbelief.

Desperately, Reporter shouted to the community: “I tell you, they are all freaking giants!! They’ll squash us like bugs! We should just mark our maps: ‘HERE THERE BE MONSTERS’ and be done with it!”

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Nigel M
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Numbers 14:1-10

The Hunter's moon hung low in the sky and distant stars twinkled gracefully as Moses bent his ear to listen to the sound of a night howl, rising and falling. He adopted the stance of many a discerning music lover – head lifted and tilted slightly, eyes almost closed, beatific smile and raised eyebrows, followed by the inevitable waving of the hands and arms in concert with an imaginary conductor and then, oh dear, the humming that is always just so slightly out of tune.

Wonderful cadences, split harmonies and delayed resolutions, phrasing that allowed esoteric sub-harmonics to breath through the warm night air, caressing the dunes and wadis, combining with...

“Oooooof!” Said Moses, as Aaron cannoned into him and dragged him off to The Tent.

“What are you doing out there?” Panted Aaron as he slashed through the cadences with his heavy panting, kicking the harmonies into dissonance with his size twelves. “Do you want to die??? They're going to kill us all!!!”

He pulled aside the Tent's entry curtain and stopped, head twisting from side to side as he surveyed possible hiding places. “Doors.” He palpitated, “We needed doors on the Tent. Heavy doors. With locks.” He swung his face into Moses vision. “Why in the name of all that sits between the altar horns didn't you prescribe lockable doors?”

Moses' brain was still trying to engage with the paradigm shift when Aaron dragged him back outside to find somewhere else to hide – but it was too late. In front of them stood the tribal elders, backed by the Israelite Tabernacle Choir numbering, ooh, several hundred thousand. The brothers were confronted with the lament (to the tune of Brown Sludge at the Bottom of the Wadi, A Maskil with someone banging angrily on a Gittith) about just how preferable it would have been to have died in slavery, where at least their shoes would not have worn out. How even better it might be to just lie down and die here, in the desert. Was it really fair that I-Am-In-Various-Tense-With-You would prod them into the land of really big and oh-so-really strong red necks where, no doubt, infinitely various methods for dispatching enemies had been refined and where infinitely interesting things had been devised for the women and children. It was absolutely better to get shot of the current leadership, select a new party and shovel off back to the Greatest Nation on Earth.

“Selah” Said someone in the crowd. There's always one.

Moses and Aaron were on the ground, awaiting their fate. During the sudden pause in the lament, however, Joshua (son-of-a-nun) and Doggy (son-of-in-your-face), who were made of sterner stuff, barrelled up in their jim-jams (not having been part of the communal lament, but having been disturbingly disturbed by the noise). They tore their pyjamas – a near eastern custom associated with disharmony – and it was just as well that the Hunter's moon had settled behind the hills so that The People could not see that Joshua, for one, slept with several weapons attached to assorted portions of his physique.

“Cowards!” Bellowed Joshua [actually – editor's note – his exact phraseology followed the standard near eastern protocol for epithets, focussing somewhat on the dietary habits of wild dogs when confronted with their own poo]. “Where were you when we stalked the Land? Hiding in the skirts of your girls? Did you see how good The Land was, or were you lasciviously eyeing last-night's left over runny quail stew? I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You, who you may remember has many interesting ways of frying his rebels, has brought us this far and knows what is best for us. He will give us all of that milk and honey...”

“And grapes” Added Aaron, who was getting into the gist of things.

“And grapes,” Confirmed Joshua, “Because he is loyal to us, unlike you aborted offspring of camels...”

“Pomegranates.” Added Aaron. Joshua decided to let it slide.

“We can take them all; we will be the ones doing the swallowing. Fear Not! And Rebel Not, unless you want to be spat out of God's nostrils [ed. metaphors can elide in the near east]. I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You is With Us!!!!”

This was stirring stuff, but in the dark there was a definite movement by The Stoning Party. Joshua set about removing the several weapons attached to assorted portions of his physique and things might have got ugly, if it were not for the fact that all this racket had woken up I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You, and he appeared at the entrance to The Tent – with the natural effect of lighting up the local cosmos, so that The People could see Joshua's weapons and, indeed, the phenomena associated with God's presence – brightly white, but with a dangerous tinge of red around the edges.

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 14:11-44

To: Tribes of Israel, Desert of Paran
From: Wilmer ben Rudolph, Attorney-at-law
RE: Viability of proposed law suit

You have asked me to evaluate the viability of a breach-of-promise suit against I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You (hereinafter “the deity of the first part”). You informed me that the deity of the first part promised you property and you allege that He has defaulted in this promise. My investigation has revealed that the basis for the lawsuit is unlikely of success.

It appears that the deity of the first part promised to release you from slavery in Egypt and bring you to a rich and abundant Promised Land. In return, the deity of the first part requested that you be His People. However, there is evidence that The People incurred the displeasure of the deity of the first part by doing such things as worshipping golden idols and complaining about hardship—in short, evidencing a distrust of the deity of the first part, despite his many miracles displayed on your behalf, whether it be toads raining down from heaven or manna raining down from heaven. Recently, quails rained down from heaven. Nevertheless, there is a basis for us to exclude this evidence from court on the basis that the deity of the first part has indicated forgiveness of these past events. As such, they are not relevant to the current dispute.

Unfortunately, for purposes of the contemplated law suit, the dispute stems from a more recent contretemps. It is my understanding that the deity of the first part led The People to the Promised Land. The People sent spies who confirmed that the Promised Land was fruitful and abundant as promised. The deity of the first part indicated that The People should take possession of the Land. However, as a result of reports from most of the spies concerning the “physical attributes” of the current inhabitants of the Land (hereinafter, “the Not-We”), The People indicated a disinclination to do as requested by the deity of the first part. This could be and was viewed by said deity of the first part as a lack of faith or trust in Him in violation of the covenant to be His People.

It is my understanding that the deity of the first part initially expressed his displeasure at this more recent violation of the agreement by threatening to bestow pestilence and death on The People, disinherit them from the Land and start over afresh, possibly from descendants of Moses, a/k/a Drawn Out, who holds the position of Fearless Leader of The People. The legality of this proposed procedure is not relevant, however, because the deity of the first part altered his intent following negotiations with your Fearless Leader. Fearless Leader pointed out to the deity of the first part that such a procedure would cause shame to the deity of the first part because the Not-We would believe that the reason The People were killed by the deity of the first part was because said deity of the first part was unable to deliver on his promise to deliver the Land and thus killed The People out of embarrassment.

This particular negotiation tactic by Fearless Leader, appealing to the pride of the deity of the first part, is similar to the "Exodus Ploy" attempted by Fearless Leader at the time of the Golden Idol Affair. And the ploy appears to have been similarly successful, as the deity of the first part relented from his mass slaughter concept.

However, Fearless Leader was not able to convince the said deity of the first part to forget the whole matter. As I understand it, the deity of the first part renewed His Promise of Land (thereby preserving His part of the deal) but He took advantage of a loophole in the agreement: namely, to wit, that He was not bound to let the current generation of The People come into the Land. Please note that, by generation, the deity of the first part is referring to those who were previously Numbered, over the age of twenty. Once that generation has passed away in the wilderness, your little ones shall come into the Promised Land (with an estimated closing date of forty years—apparently calculated by the standard of one year for each day of the spying mission amongst the Not-We). In the meantime, the Land will presumably continue to be held by the Not-We. The documents compiled by Fearless Leader indicate that the deity of the first part did make an exception to the blanket rule for Doggy (son of In Your Face) and Joshua (the son of a Nun) on the justifiable position that they maintained faith with the deity of the first part and.

Reviewing the covenant, I regret to inform you that the deity of the first part seems to be well within His rights in requiring that The People turn away from the Promised Land at this time and march into the wilderness by way of the Red Sea. By renewing the pledge of the Land to be entered by The People: The Next Generation™ the deity of the first part has stayed within the intent of the original agreement far more (I regret to point out) than The People have. As such, a law suit to compel the deity of the first part to allow the current generation to go into the Promised Land, in my estimation, will fail.

I regret that I also cannot advise that The People now attempt to take possession of the Land from the Not-We at this time. The deity of the first part has clearly indicated that, should The People try, he will very much be the God-Not-With-Us. I believe that Fearless Leader has already made a similar point, and he is correct. Pursuant to the documents I have reviewed, the deadline for The People to attack the Not-We has passed and to attempt it now would not bring this disaster into court but would, rather, court disaster. In matters such as these, word order is important.

If I can be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to ask.

Sincerely,

Wilmer ben Rudolph, Esquire

P.S. It has come to my attention that, during the preparation of this report on the feasibility (or lack thereof) of bringing suit against IAIVTWY, all the members of the spying party (with the exception of Doggy and Josh) have died from plague. I do not believe that a cause of action can be formed with respect to this. It would have to be attributed to an Act-of-God.

The file containing the above letter includes a subsequent report that, contrary to counsel’s advice, an assault party from The People attempted to curry favor with IAIVTWY by attacking the Not-We. It appears that the Not-We were unimpressed and repelled the assault party, chasing them to the point of Destruction (or Destruction Point—the records are unclear). Wilmer ben Rudolph scrawled a note on the report: “Told you so!” The file also contains a bill from Wilmer ben Rudolph to the Tribes of Israel for legal services render. It appears to have remained unpaid. This may explain his lack of sympathy.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 15: 1-16

The tent grew cloudy and a rumble issued forth: “Moses, a word with you, please.” Moses shuddered. After the recent debacle, he had a feeling that this simply Could Not Be Good. Still, when IAIVTWY calls, only a soon-to-be charcoal briquette ignores.

“Yes, Lord? What may I do for You this fine day?”

“Grab a tablet and your chisel. I have more rules for you to impart to My People™.” Fortunately, Moses had sharpened a nice set of chisels for just such an occasion. He grabbed a convenient stone and set to work.

“Tell them this: When you enter the Land of Promise, which I am giving to you…”

Moses blinked rapidly. “Hold on a moment. Are we talking about the same Land? Milkandhoneyvania?”

“Yes.”

“But…but…but…but…” stammered Moses (as he was wont to do).

“Question?”

“Didn’t you just tell us that we weren’t going to enter that Land for another, oh, forty years? That none of the current generation (with a couple exceptions) are going to live to see it?”

“Yes. Your point?”

“But you are STILL going to set down the rules for entering Milkandhoneyvania NOW?”

“I am the Lord. Just because you lot have been stupid does not mean that My plans are changed. The sooner you grasp that concept, the better this relationship will go.”

Moses hurriedly grabbed his sharpest chisel. “Ready!”

“When making a fire offering of any kind from a herd or flock, the one presenting the offering should bring a grain offering of finely ground flour—a tenth of an ephah should do—mixed with just a hint of olive oil (say, a quarter hin).”

“Wouldn’t that make it a quarter hint of oil?” punned Moses.

“It is just possible that you have been spending too much time around Aaron. And speaking of Aaron, along with the burnt offering or sacrifice for each lamb, the offeror should prepare a drink offering of a quarter hin of wine. Aaron does like his drink offerings. The schedule for other animals goes as follows:

Ram: two-tenths of an ephah of fine flour mixed with a third of a hin of olive oil, and a drink offering of a third of a hin of wine.

Young bull: three-tenths of an ephah of fine flour mixed with half a hin of olive oil, and a drink offering of half a hin of wine.

These are to be provided for each animal that is offered. So, if you offer up five animals of the same kind, multiply the above by five. This is the rule to be followed by every native-born person of the People after they have entered the Land of Promise.”


Moses chipped away at his stone tablet in a flurry of dust.

“Now, as to resident wayfarers living with you…”

Moses reached for another tablet.

“…who wish to make an offering, they shall do it in the exact same way as the People do it.”

Moses went back to the first tablet and chipped: “Ditto.”

“One Law applies to you all because you and the resident foreigner are alike before Me. One Law, one custom must apply to all who live among you.”

It occurred to Moses that there was cause to ponder on the deeper implications of that statement. But it is rather difficult to think deeply while chipping away at a stone tablet.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Nigel M
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Numbers 15:17-41

“So,” Continued I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You, “Tell Israel's-Sons that when they enter The Land (that's the one I'm giving you)...”

“Yes, yes; got that” Drawn-Out drew breath.

“Well, not yet you haven't” Clarified He-Who-Clears-Things-Up, “But when you do, make sure that you offer a proportion of the food you eat to me. Every time you prepare a batch of food, set aside one for me.”

Moses sighed and surveyed the mountainous hoard of finely chiselled masonry he had accumulated. “You know,” He said (somewhat unnecessarily, seeing as his audience was a Know All), “It's going to be hard for them to remember everything. Someone's bound to slip up from time to time.”

“I Know.” Just to prove the point. “There is a remedy. If anyone slips up from time to time and the slipper does not slip intentionally, then the community representatives (who obviously should not have been intentional parties to the slip) must do the bull, grain, and goat thing I told you about a while ago. It's in the third set of slates. In the fourth box. By the other curtain. No, the brown box. Yes, that's the one. This will absolve everyone. Even the people round the edges of the community.”

Moses was sliding his hand over the fourth slate from the third box lovingly. He'd almost forgotten those heady days, when the only thing he had to worry about was the stitching on Aaron's garments. He parked the slate back where it belonged and considered how this rule might be circumnavigated (he'd learned a lot about circumnavigation from the cases before him on his court days).

“How about when someone slips up intentionally?” He queried.

"Ah. Then the slipper is on the other foot. Assuming he or she wants to be forgiven for their relapse, then it's necessary to do the female goat thing Third-Set-Of-Slates-Fifth-Box. That will bring forgiveness. Same goes for everyone – whether central or peripheral."

“And if he or she rebels intentionally and doesn't want forgiveness?” Moses had to ask, though he was pretty certain of the answer.

“A rebel is a traitor – whether central to the people or peripheral. That person absolutely must be cut off. There can be no forgiveness for deliberate and continued rebellion. He or she remains guilty and can not be offered forgiveness.”

“I Knew It.” Said Moses.
- - -

Secretarial Note: The court considered the question as to what 'cutting off' actually meant in this context in the case of The People versus The Woodgather, and applied the ruling from the second set of slates, box 31 and slates 14-15. The offender had been found to have deliberately broken the Seventh-Day-Rest rule. The court ruled that cutting off be applied by way of death sentence.

- - -

“But just in case...” Interposed He-Who-Had-To-Cover-All-Options, “...if it's proving hard for The People to remember just how important it is to keep aside from other ways, tell them all to make tassels for the edges of their coats with some violet thread in them. That's different to everywhere else and should remind them that they are different. It should drive home the fact that I, I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You, am the supreme God of all. I brought them all out of the Greatest Nation on Earth.”

“...And I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You am your Supreme Deity.” Concluded Moses with a flourish.

“Glad to see it's sinking in.”

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 16: 1-19

Now Moe, Larry and Curly—otherwise known as Korah, the son of a son of a son of Levi; Dathan and Abiram (Korah’s neighbors, who were also somebody’s sons and of the tribe of Reuben)--were discussing the recent events. [Note: The accounts indicate that there was also a fourth man there, named On. But On didn’t go on to be mentioned again so, for purposes of this tale, On is off. We don’t know why, exactly. He is just not on.]

Dathan: “So now the Lord orders us to wander for decades.”

Korah: “That’s what Moses says.”

Abiram: “And we are going to die before we get to the Promised Land.”

Korah: “That’s what Moses says.”

Dathan: “Well, he’d know. He has the hot line to You-Know-Who.”

Abiram: “Nyuk, nyuk.”

Korah (after slapping Abiram on the skull): “Quiet! We only have Moses’ word for any of this! Didn’t he say that the Lord considers us all to be a people set apart, a holy nation?”

Abiram: “Wholly! Nyuk, nyuk!” <Slap>

Korah: “Numbskull. Moses also says that the Many-Tenses One is among us all.”

Dathan: “Humungous among us!” <Eye poke>

Korah: “Knucklehead. If the Lord considers us all holy and is among us, then why can’t we all declare the words of the Lord and tell the people what should be done? Why do we have to take Moses’ word for it? He thinks he is our king! He takes too much upon himself and exalts himself over…over…well, specifically over US! Why I oughta do something about it!”

And so Moe, Larry & Curly gathered the like-minded and simple-minded alike among the selected leaders of the People (who were chosen from the assembly--even in those days, elections were no guaranty of getting intelligent leaders). And they went and presented their rebellion to Moses and Aaron.

Moses promptly fell face downward on the ground.

Aaron: “Are you expecting a bolt of lightning or something?”

Moses: “No. An eye-poke. Or nose-grab. Or head-slap. Or pie in the face. I’ve had conversations with Korah before. It is safer down here.”

Moses chose to speak to Korah and the Levite rebels first: “Korah, in the morning, the Lord will decide who is with Him and who are holy. Tomorrow, before the Lord, you and your brood take your censers, put fire in them and burn incense on it and the Lord will select his holy ones.” Moses then raised his voice (which was tricky since he was still laying face downward on the ground): “Sons of Levi! You put on airs! Do you think IAIVTWY has done too little for you? Is it not enough that He has separated you from the tribes of Israel to service his tabernacle? To minister to the community? Do you now seek to make Korah the high priest, contrary to the Lord’s instructions? By doing so, don’t you see that you are rebelling against IAIVTWY? For crying out loud! He just gave us instructions about cutting off rebels! Like, last chapter! And Aaron—just who do you think he is that you bother to murmur against him?”

Aaron: “You could have phrased that part better.”

Keeping a wary eye on Korah, Moses then got up, dusted himself off and ordered that Dathan and Abiram were to present themselves before him for a tongue-lashing. And they sent word back: “Screw you. Do you think it is a trivial complaint that you took us from a lovely land of milk and honey (meaning Egypt, not the promised Milkandhoneyvania, which we can no longer enter according to you) just so that we can now all die in the wilderness? As reward for that miserable leadership, you think you can just summon us, Oh Prince? You have broken your promises—do you think you can pull the wool over our eyes? We is too bright for you. We ain’t coming!” Korah snickered.

Moses was incensed that Larry and Curly wouldn’t come and he made a side comment to IAIVTWY: “Reject their offerings. They are idiots. And I’ve never done anything to them.”

Moses then spoke again to Korah to make sure there was no misunderstanding about what would happen in the morning: “You and your gang will present yourselves to the Lord”—Aaron coughed loudly—“You, your gang and Aaron will present yourselves to the Lord. Each will take his censer, put incense in it and present the censer to the Lord. Got it? Censers. You. Gang. Aaron. Each with a censer.” Such was Moses’ uncensored speech.

So, in the morning, everybody came. With censers, as it so happens, all stoked with incense. And they stood at the entrance of the Meeting Tent, along with Moses and Aaron. At Korah’s cocky suggestion, the whole community gathered around to watch the festivities. In the entrance of the tent, a glowing cloud appeared--the coming of the glory of I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You. And the whole community began to munch their popcorn waiting to see what would happen next.

You’d think they’d know better.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Nigel M
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Numbers 16:20-35

I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You uttered once of those pithy one liners to Moses and Aaron that he had become renowned for.

“Put some distance between yourself and the community so I have room to consume them right now.”

Moses and Aaron did one of those Abraham things that prophets had become renowned for. They fell flat on their faces and negotiated.

“Supreme Deity! God of every living human being! If just one man rebels, is it right for you to be angry with the entire community?”

- - - - -
One can now imagine a pause in the proceedings (hardly noticed by any human) while the heavenly court debated with itself, perhaps even in trinitarian style:

God of the first part: “Excellent. They've got the hang of this justice thing, offering mitigation on behalf of the guilty.”

God of the second part: “Yes, standing in for the guilty and offering alternatives; shows promise.”

God of the third part: “I'll just go and cook up a fireball or two – just in case.”

- - - - -

With barely the bat of an eye, proceedings resumed on earth.

“Very well. Have a chat with the community and advice them to put some distance between themselves and the tents belonging to Korah, Dathan and Abiram.”

So Moses dusted himself down and took the community elders with him to those tents, warning the community to back off, leaving everything well alone. The community were of one mind on this issue, seeing how the wind was blowing, and they did one of those 'Volunteers step forward' routines where everyone steps back to leave the slowest wit on the uptake out front.

The slowest wits – to wit Korah, Dathan, and Abiram, and their families – came out of their tents to find that they were somewhat devoid of supporting acts. An owl hooted. Tumbleweed drifted across the scene. Somewhere a locust chirrupped. Moses was getting into the act here, rolling up his sleeves.

“Just to prove that what is about to happen is not a coincidence, but that I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You has approved the judgement and sentence – not me – if these people die naturally then I am not God's messenger. If, on the other hand, we see something new, something, like, well, ummm...a, errr..... how about.... OK, try this....ahhh.....Bingo! A hole in the ground appears and they all fall in and die inside, then that will prove that they were wrong all along.”

- - - - -
One can now imagine another pause in the proceedings (hardly noticed by any human) while the heavenly court debated with itself, perhaps again in trinitarian style:

God of the first part: “Well, I have to admit I didn't see that one coming.”

God of the second part: “No, it rather ties our hands a bit. I'd assumed we were up for the usual firestorm.”

God of the third part: “Whatever we decide, let's do it quickly. This fireball in my hand is rather hot.”

- - - - -

So with barely the bat of an eye, proceedings resumed on earth with the appearance of a hole into which the errant families and possessions cascaded. The hole closed up and that was that. They had gone. The community – despite being at a distance – adopted the Panic mode they were so renowned for and dashed about screaming and pulling out their hair. And while that was underway, a fireball from heaven crashed down and burned up the 250 men who had followed the rebels in offering incense.

- - - - -
God of the third part: “Sorry; couldn't hold it any longer.”

God of the second part: “This pre-empting of sentence could become quite common.”

God of the first part: “Yes, We'll have to set some ground rules for the future. Remind me when Elijah comes along to emphasise the fireball point when it comes to executing rebels who think they are priests.”

- - - - -

On got off lightly.

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Bullfrog.

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Numbers 16:36-40

God of the first part: You know, it'd be a shame to waste all of that gold...

God of the second part: Surely, it could be put to some kind of redeeming use.

God of the third part: Oh, I know! How about we turn them into plates!

And so the message was relayed to Moses that the censers should be melted down and beaten into plates as a covering for the altar. This served as a reminder to The People of how incensed God would be should any non-priest dared offer incense to the Lord unauthorized, as nobody would want to end up like Korah and company.

--------------------
Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me, I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train. --Josh Ritter, Harrisburg

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 16:41-50 (LINK)

The next day, Moses was still congratulating himself while Aaron was polishing his brand new altar covering. “That,” said Moses, “should settle the question of who speaks for IAIVTWY once and for all!” He then noticed a look of astonishment on Aaron’s face, with his jaw dropping as far as humanly possible. Moses turned around and saw that The People™ had gathered and were in an ugly mood. Apparently, the crowd had woken up that morning and realized that Korah and company were still dead. The whole community marched to the Meeting Tent and shouted at Moses and Aaron: “You killed them! This is your fault!”

“Oh, you have to be [expletive deleted] kidding me.” Moses turned to Aaron. “Did somebody smack this group with a dumb-stick when I wasn’t looking?”

The entrance of the Meeting Tent began to glow again and the Voice rumbled forth: “Still have a perfectly good fireball here. Stand to one side so I can blast them all to cinders!”

Moses and Aaron flung themselves to the ground.

God of the first part: “I am sure I said ‘stand aside,’ not ‘duck.’”
God of the second part: “I think they are pleading for the others. Again. Despite everything.”
God of the third part: “Never mind. I am bored with fireballs anyway. A plague cloud will do just as well!”


And so a plague descended upon the people.

Moses said to Aaron: “An atonement is needed! The Lord is incensed! Quick! Put incense in a censer!” “Makes sense,” said Aaron.

So Aaron put incense in the censer and ran into the middle of the assembly of The People™ standing as a barrier between the dead and the living and stopping the plague. But the Lord’s Plague was uncommonly fast-acting and despite Aaron’s speed 14,700 people died (over and above those swallowed up with Korah who, to be fair, probably did not catch the plague as they were dead already). But 14,700 dead people later, the plague stopped and Aaron returned to join Moses at the entrance of the Meeting Tent.

“Sorted,” he said.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Nigel M
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Numbers 17:1-13 (English Bible versification)

Aaron had just put his feet up and was contemplating a nice cup of tea [ed. A figure of speech requiring cultural replacement as necessary, e.g., 'mug of coffee', 'vat of gin', 'gourd of yak's milk'...] when He-Who-Resides-Somewhere-Between-The-Two-Cherubs-On-The-Altar rumbled again. Moses and Aaron prepared again for the 'hit the ground and wail' routine.

“Something has to be done about the tendency of The People to rebel. Apparently fire, earthquake, and plague are far to subtle for them. Tell them I ordered this: each of the tribal senior elders is to give you a walking stick [ed. A euphemism: anything an elder carried around could also be used as a police baton, an implement of corporal punishment, and a general prodding thing for times when the elder was bored]. Have the scribe inscribe the name of the elder on the walking stick.”

A finger went up (attached to Moses).

“But we've separated out the Attached tribe to assist us in The Tent – I'm not sure who should act as their elder.”

“That would be Aaron of course. Write his name on their walking stick. We need 12 sticks for this to work – one for each of the houses. When you have them ready, put them all in The Tent in front of The Box of Loyalty, just in front of where I am now, in fact.”

A few swift glances from left to right by Moses and Aaron as they both tried to identify at least a rough order of vocal emittance.

“I am going to do something with these walking sticks...where are you going Aaron?”

“I've seen this before.” Aaron, over his shoulder as he made for the exit, “You're going to turn them into snakes and I'm just off to amend the schedule of whose turn it is to serve here this week – I feel the need for a break coming on.”

“Come back here – I'm not doing that today. I intend to demonstrate to each of the elders which one has authority over them all, so that they stop their grumbling. I will cause the walking stick of the one I chose to sprout. Yes, sprout. Now where are you going Aaron?”

“I'm just off to get a stick made from a tea bush.” [ed. Do the cultural thing again]

A sigh emanated from, oooh, somewhere over there.

So Moses toddled out and spoke to the senior elders of the ancestral houses who, not without some considerable grumbling, handed over their walking sticks. Aaron slipped his own one in, too. Moses parked them in the required place.

The next day Moses toddled back into The Tent with Aaron and – Wow! No less than Aaron's stick, representing the Attached tribe, had sprouted. Quite luxuriously, too. Aaron's eyes popped.

“TEA!!!!” And he immediately became lost in the foliage. [ed. The original text actually specified almonds, but there is no clear cultural reason why a translator should go nuts over this.]

After Moses had wrestled the stick from Aaron (or rather, shaken Aaron out of the stick), he took all twelve out to the senior elders for them to see. They agreed that Aaron's stick was a sprout and that theirs were not. They took their own sticks back.

I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You told Moses to place Aaron's stick in front of the loyalty box so that everyone who had a tendency to be bitter and rebel would remember the usual outcome of such grumbling. So Moses did.

The psychological effect of this demonstration was rather intense on The People. It seems that they just could not find a happy middle place between the loud grumble and loud wail.

“Aieeee! We're all going to die!!!!” Wailed the senior elders. Then just to check the facts - “We are all going to die, aren't we?”

Posts: 2826 | From: London, UK | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged
Hedgehog

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Numbers 18: 1-19

He-Who-Should-Be-Obeyed-If-You-Know-What-Is-Good-For-You then said:

“Aaron, I think now would be a good time to straighten out this whole priesthood concept. First, enough with the growing disrespect of the sanctuary! You, your sons and your father’s house shall bear the guilt for any further violations of the sanctuary and you and your sons will bear the guilt of the priesthood for any ritual errors.”

Aaron shuffled his feet nervously. Did that mean what he thought it did?

“Remember: With great power comes great responsibility. Bring your brothers of the tribe of Levi to join you and minister to you. They may take care of you and the tabernacle, but they do NOT come near the sanctuary or altar or they will die. As will you.”

Yes, thought Aaron, it meant exactly what he thought it did.

“The Levites are My gift to you, to take care of you and take care of the meeting tent and keep it in good repair. But don’t get confused. You and your sons are the priests and you are responsible for the altar and sanctuary. You don’t get a choice. In fact, I give you another gift: the gift of service! You and your sons get to be—indeed, must—be priests. Anybody else who approaches the sanctuary must be killed deader than dead. Don’t make me keep sending fireballs! This is your responsibility!”

“But wait! There’s more! You get to partake of the holy raised offerings from the Israelites. Well, at least of those offerings that are not burnt. Every non-burnt offering that they make, whether it be a grain offering, a purification offering, a reparation offering, or a wave offering—will be for you to eat. Provided, of course, that you are ceremonially clean. Remember: no ritual errors.”

Aaron thought about it. There was that nasty catch, of course, but in general it was a good deal. What would be given by the people as an offering would be the best wine, the best olive oil, the best wine, the best wheat, the best wine, the best fruits, the best wine…

“If you could stop reviewing the wine list for just a moment? The firstborn of every womb (human or animal) that is presented to Me shall be for you. Although, of course, as explained before, you must redeem the firstborn sons as well as the firstborn males of the unclean animals in accordance with the fee schedule I gave some chapters back. But don’t redeem the firstborn of a cow, sheep or goat. Those are special to me and should have their blood splashed on the altar and the fat burned to create a yummy aroma for Me. The meat, though, can belong to you and your family. This is the rule for ever, something that you can salt away for the future.”

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Nigel M
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Numbers 18:20-32

“Right Aaron,” Said IAIVTWY, “The reason I'm sorting out your income this way is because, as I said before, you and yours have not been allocated a part of the land. You won't even be allowed to own land. You will dedicate yourself to serving me instead and I will provide for your needs.”

Aaron looked up from the list of provisions that were due to his family and did some mental mathematical calculations. IAIVTWY could tell he was doing this because Aaron had adopted the standard facial expression humans use for mental press ups: face screwed up to close one eye, other eye staring intently upwards to one side, tongue sticking out of mouth in opposite direction to eye.

“Don't overdo this, Aaron; I've also thought of the Levites and made provision for them, too. They are to dedicate themselves to assisting you at The Tent and so will not have a land allocation. Their income will come from the tithes that The People – please, don't pull that face again Aaron; a 'tithe' is 10%, for goodness' sake – that The People give. This is the point from which no other Israelite may ever again approach The Tent. If they do, they are guilty and will die.

“Now, Moses. A new rule, if you please.”


Moses snapped his fingers and the scribe whipped out a trusty chisel and fresh slate.

“I telling you this next bit because if I tell Aaron his face will forever remain like the hills of Bashan – craggy and with bits popping out all over the place. Those Levites I mentioned who will be entitled to the tithe, they must also give a tithe of that tithe to me. This is so that they too will be able to make an offering and not be always on the take. That tithe of a tithe must go to Aaron and it must be of the best, no picking out the green bits for me, thank you very much. The rest of the Israelite tithe is the Levite income, they can eat it wherever they like or sell it for all I care, but the best of the tithe must come to me so there are no inconsistencies or blemishes and perhaps also importantly, no dying as a result.”

Aaron, who had run out of fingers and toes trying to do the calculations, staggered off to cool down his head in holy wine.

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 19:1-22

It was one of the misfortunes of Moses’ life that he did not have an answering machine to pick up when The Boss called. Sometimes those calls came in the middle of the night and Moses would try to jot down notes on a handy piece of palimpsest, waiting until morning to have it carved in stone.

Because of this, Aaron was not too surprised when Moses stumbles into his tent one morning and shoved a note into his hand. “Recipe for red heifer ash,” mumbled Moses, just before he stumbled out of the tent looking for the historical equivalent of coffee.

Aaron read:

Take one fresh red heifer (unblemished). Have slaughtered (outside camp). Put blood on finger and sprinkle outside Meeting Tent (repeat six more times, seven total). Burn heifer (completely). Add cedar wood, hyssop and scarlet wool to fire. Wash clothes and bathe in water. Return to camp, but remain ceremonially unclean until evening.

Ceremonially-clean man gather up ashes and store in Designated Ceremonial Clean Place outside of camp. Wash clothes, but remain ceremonially unclean until evening.


After reading this, Aaron followed the scent of coffee-equivalent and found Moses.

“Ummm, Mo?” he said. “Why did you give me a recipe for red heifer ash?”

“Whu…?” Moses mumbled. And then some other words, of which the only one Aaron could understand was “dead.”

“I understand you are dead tired,” said Aaron with feigned understanding. “But I need to know what He-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed wants me to do.”

Moses roused himself. “No,” he said. “It is FOR the dead. Or, rather, those who touch the dead. Wait, I have other notes.” He reached into his robe and grabbed a fistful of palimpsest and handed them to Aaron. Moses then turned back to his coffee-equivalent mug with a quiet moan.

Aaron read the notes:

Purification Instructions: If anybody touches corpse, he will be ceremonially unclean for seven days. To purify: (1) wash with water on the third and seventh days.

Anybody who does not do this must be cut off from Israel.

If a man dies in a tent, anybody who enters or is in the tent will be unclean for seven days. Every open container also unclean. Also unclean for seven days: anybody who touches a body of somebody killed with sword in open field; or a body that died of natural causes; or a human bone; or a grave.


Not for the first time, Aaron noticed that Moses’ note-taking tended toward the redundant. He read on:

Purification Ceremony for Ceremonially Unclean: Take heifer ashes. Put in vessel. Add fresh running water. Ceremonially-clean person takes hyssop, dunks in water, and sprinkles on tent, all furnishings and on people there (or on the bone toucher, sword-killed toucher, otherwise-dead toucher or grave toucher). Clean guy must sprinkle on third and seventh days. Then wash clothes, bathe in water and will be clean in evening.

IMPORTANT: Any unclean person who does not do this must be cut off from the community!!

The water-sprinkler must wash his clothes. One who touches purification water remains unclean until evening even though it is purification water. Go figure. And whatever an unclean person touches is unclean and whoever touches what the unclean touched will be unclean until evening.


Not for the first time, Aaron wondered if it was really wise of IAIVTWY to give complicated instructions to Moses late at night.

ETA: link

[ 06. August 2013, 21:16: Message edited by: Hedgehog ]

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Numbers 20:1-21

“Enough” announced Moses over breakfast to his siblings. “I really cannot take much more of this chiselling of judgements; I'm losing sleep over it all. We need to get a move on. We've been here at Hormah for far too long and we can't keep living with the after effects of that humiliating defeat at the hands of the people in The Land. It's high time we put into effect operation Sneak-Around-The-Back-Way. We'll see if we can pass through the Red-Heads territory.”

He poked his head out of the tent. “Joshua!” He bellowed.

“I live to serve you, my master” Murmured the voice from just behind Moses' ear. When Moses' palpitations had been soothed with water by Miriam and calmed with tea by Aaron, he ordered Joshua to assemble The People for the off. And so it was that The People retraced their defeated steps back to the town of Kadesh.

Sad news here. After a lifetime of devoted attention to her brothers, interspersed with loud songs and raucous banging of cymbals, Moses' sister Miriam expired and was buried. Kadesh was a sad place for Moses. But it got worse. Kadesh also seemed to play on the nerves of The People generally because they took up the complaint theme again. The last time they were there they grumbled about the huge task involved in occupying The Land. This time they picked on the water theme, perhaps influenced by Moses' last ordinance concerning the need to be cleansed with sprinkled water. The usual howl went up concerning culinary ineffectiveness, followed by the usual fall-face-down operation by Moses and Aaron. I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You decided to follow the usual too.

Take that staff that blossomed and bring it out before The People's representatives Where-Are-You-Going-Aaron?

“Back in a sec.” Gushed Aaron, “Just going to fetch me mug. Could do with a nice up of tea [Ed. Replace with appropriate cultural imbibement].”

For my location's sake,” humphed IAIVTWY, “He's irrepressible. Very well. Moses, take the staff to remind The People what I did with it, talk to that big rock over there and water will come out, enough for tea all round.”

Moses and Aaron went out, but instead of just following instructions they had to embellish things. Simply speaking to a rock seemed a tad light on impact, so Moses admonished the tribal leaders - “What on earth do you want from us? Have we got to do everything for you?”

And Moses banged the rock with the staff.

- - - - -
One can now imagine a pause in the proceedings (hardly noticed by any human) while the heavenly court debated with itself, again in trinitarian style:

God of the first part: “I'm putting my anthropomorphic head in my hands. Now what should we do?”

God of the second part: “It's a bit of a dilemma. If we follow his lead it would look as though he had done it all and the memory of the budding staff will be lost.”

God of the third part: “If we don't we are going to need another fireball.”

- - - - -

Moses looked puzzled. The People glanced from Moses, to rock, to staff, to Moses. Nothing happened.

“Hang on, I'll try that again” Said Moses, and he swiped the staff against the rock for a second time. Somewhere in the aeons of time IAIVTWY decided to go with the flow. And so it was that water flowed from the rock.

A quiet word, if you please” Said IAIVTWY to Moses and Aaron. “That was naughty. You have fooled The People into believing magic. It means that I cannot have you lead them into The Land; that would make it look as though you were responsible, not me.

The place where this happened was called “The Quarrel.”

Time passed.

Extract from the minutes of plenary session, monthly People Parliament (Qara' Ha-Am).
Venue: Kadesh.
Chair: Moses
Minutes: Venerable Master Scribe
Attendees: Heads of Tribe.


The session was formally opened the came to order. [Ed. lit. “Moses cleared his throat and spat.” A time-honoured and traditional indicator for declaring business under way.]

“We must handle this situation carefully,” declared Moses, “given that the Red-Heads are our ancient kin. I propose we adopt a strategy known as Politics.”

Joshua (Head of Military Operations) addressed the Chair. [Ed. An anachronism of course; the nearest chair was in the sanctuary and anyway they were seated on the floor. On rugs. However, to conserve the paraphrastic model, the metaphorical notation is maintained.] “Polly who?”

“Master Scribe?” Moses conceded the floor. [Ed. Closer to reality, this metaphor, with just a rug or two intervening.]

The venerable master scribe spoke to the item. “Ah, yes. /ˈpɒlɪtɪks/: n. A loan word emanating from the Attic Peoples, denoting the art or science of governing, especially the administration of internal and external affairs.”

“Ah,” nodded Joshua in understanding. War.”

“Not quite.” Clarified Moses, “The continuation of war by other means, apparently. I propose this Politics in consideration of the fact that the Red-Heads are, indeed, our cousins.”

“Yes indeed,” supported the venerable master scribe, “Descended through Esau, the brother of our father Jacob. The son of Esau, Eliphaz; the son of Eliphaz, Teman; the son of Teman, Beor; the son of Beor, Bela; the son of Bela...”

“Thank you Master Scribe.” Intervened Moses. “The aim here is that we should refrain from war and seek safe passage. Seconded?”

“I second the motion.” Confirmed Aaron. [Ed. lit. “He spat and slapped his palms together.”].

The motion was carried. [Ed. Which sounds so much better than 'the motion was passed.'].


Reminiscence of the venerable master scribe in his memoirs. Later, in Moses' tent.

“Take a tablet, Master Scribe. I'm not sure what language the Red-Heads speak – or what the language of international Politics should be around here. By any chance do you speak cuneiform?”

“Wedge, wedge, bisected oblong, double-wedge.”

“Excellent. Now. How does one address one's fellow leader diplomatically? Let's try: 'My brother.' Yes, that's sounds about right. Very well, scratch a note.

“'My brother Red. There follows a petition from your brother God-Struggler. Word will no doubt have reached you of the cause of our mutual and much lamented separation. We have suffered many hardships on our road. Our ancestors were forced to migrate to the Most Powerful Nation In The World and were obliged to spend the life of generations there. We were treated very badly, but when we pled our cause to He-Who-Is-In-Various-Tenses-With-Us, he agreed and allowed our petition. He sent an authorised messenger and emigrated us out of the Most Powerful Nation In The World. Now we are travelling and have reached Kadesh, on your border. May it please you to permit us passage through your homeland? We pledge to remain on the main highway and not take any short cuts. We will not take anything we have not paid for. We will move right on through to the other side of your homeland.'

“There.” Said Moses, satisfied. “Not bad, even if I say so myself. Now summon the messenger and shoot him off.”


One week later. Upon arrival of a messenger from the Red Peoples on a camel. [Ed. Or it could have been a dromedary; they are notoriously difficult to distinguish between. The variation, as everyone should really know, is that the camel spits the furthest.]

The Red messenger entered and performed obeisance. [Ed. An archaic term, oft found in ancient texts. The meaning is now lost in the mists of time, but is thought to denote an act preparatory to politics in some cultures and preparatory to other forms of intercourse in others.]

“Greetings from my master, the High, the Mighty, the Resplendent, the All-Pervading... [Ed. We will skip much of what follows. All that needs to be known is that, as with modern businesses, the longer the title the smaller the entity.]

“The oracle to my master from our god, Qos: 'Does a man permit a camel into a tent? You are denied passage. You are forbidden from entry. Visas refused. We are mobilising our army.'”

Stunned silence, followed by plea from Moses to reconsider, but the messenger's hands were bound. Fortunately Moses managed to intercede quickly. “Wait Joshua; what on earth are you doing? Untie that man!”

“But it's time for Politics by other means.” Protested Joshua.

Moses tried to soothe the rather pale messenger. “Terribly sorry about that. Please do feel free to leave in safety.”

“He's looking at me.” Quavered the messenger.

Moses sighed. “Joshua, stop looking at our honourable guest. And put down those swords.” [Clang, cling, clinger-clang.] “And your knives.” [Tinkle, clang, twang.] “All of them.” [Clanger-clang, cling, twang.] “My apologies” - addressed to the messenger again - “My servant can become [clang] rather enthusiastic at times [clinger-clang], but I am training him up [thud, doinnnnng-oinnng-oinng].”


Record of attempted further negotiation between Moses and Aaron on the one hand, and the representatives of the Red-Heads on the other, at the Qos Temple in the city of Teman.

“Our god's bigger than your god.” Negotiations were opened by the little urchin on the road as Moses and Aaron approached the temple entrance on their ships of the desert. The brothers blinked and paused.

“Well, I'm not sure, really.” Moses – rather nonplussed. “I've never engaged in cubit measurements in that department.” They made to move on.

“We've got a solid temple for Qos. I hear you've just got a wobbly tent.”

“I'm sure there's more to divine residences than simple stone.” Negotiated Aaron, feeling a bit irked at the slight. Having imparted that wisdom, he made to move on.

“Our god's got a massive horn. Has your god got a horn?”

“Pardon? I... well... a horn?” Aaron – doubly nonplussed. “I don't know. We've only ever seen his backside.”

[Pause, of a pregnant nature.]

“OK, that didn't come out quite as I intended. What I meant to say was...”

“WHAT HE MEANT TO SAY WAS,” inserted Moses (politically), “that our god is far above such comparisons and if you don't shove off I'll blip you one across the bean.” Honour satisfied, the urchin shoved off and the brothers approached the temple entrance, descended from their ships of the desert and were met by the High Priest of Qos, resplendent in gold attire – though given his advanced age the strain was showing and he was obliged to sit down rather clumsily on the temple stair.

“I'm very sorry,” said he. “The word from Qos is absolute and final. You may not pass.” He made to rise. And again. He sighed. “I don't suppose you help me up, could you?”

So it came to pass that Moses had to return to The People on his ship of the desert with the bad news that they all had to circumvent the Red-Heads' homeland, tent and all.

“Hrrrraccchh.......Ptuuuuuuuuuuchhh.....Splot!” Definitely a camel, who had just concluded the business.

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 20:22-29

So The People™ left there and headed to Mount Mountain, on the border of the lands of the Red-Heads.

“That didn’t go so well,” observed Aaron quietly. Moses looked at him with concern. It was unlike Aaron to be so subdued. It occurred to Moses that the years had taken their toll on his older brother. “Come with me to the Meeting Tent,” said Aaron gently to Moses.

At the tent, IAIVTWY said: “Aaron, I think it is time that you retired.”

“I was thinking the same thing,” said Aaron. “It is time to pass the mantle on to my son, Ellie.”

Moses listened to this exchange in some puzzlement. “Retire? I was under the impression,” he said haltingly, “that the priesthood was something of a lifetime commitment.”

“It is,” said Aaron and IAIVTWY in unison (except, of course, that the latter said it in bold print). And then they both chuckled. Moses looked distressed.

“After all, I did already warn you that neither of you was going to enter the Promised Land,” explained the Lord. “It is time for Aaron to join his ancestors.”

“And for my part I am curious to see what happens next,” said Aaron to Moses, comfortingly.

And so Moses, Aaron and Eleazar went up to the top of Mount Mountain and Aaron’s mantle was passed on…literally. Moses took the priestly garments off of Aaron and put them on Eleazar. “These shoes!” Eleazar exclaimed with delight. ‘They fit perfectly!”

And so Aaron died peacefully and was gathered to his ancestors. Moses and Eleazar came back down the mountain and The People™ mourned Aaron for 30 days.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Nigel M
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Numbers 21:1-3

The area round Hormah had been bad news for The People. They had been chased all the way there after the abortive attempt to invade The Land. The tribes of Amalek and Canaan had taken a dim view of such like invasions and reacted accordingly. Now one of their number, a tribal leader who based himself in a frontier town of the badlands known as Wild Ass, had been watching The People's progress as they failed to secure right of passage through the Red Head's territory. He knew they had been weak and had intelligence that they were passing along The Explorer's Road. He saw they were ripe for ambush. A quick raid, a grab of some loot, prisoners to do the washing, and home again in time for tea.

“Herem.” Announced Joshua at the post-event-wash-up-lessons-learned workshop.

“Yes?” Asked Moses.

“Herem.” Repeated Joshua. “The Elders are asking for permission to Herem.”

“Oh, Herem, yes. Sorry, I thought you were clearing your throat. Well that's a big step. You know what it means. There are rules about this sort of thing; one cannot just assume Herem is allowed and wander off on a revengeful binge. Herem is for the supreme god to authorise and only then in exceptional circumstances. After all, it does rather have extreme consequences, what with the carnage and all.”

“It seems that the Elders are ready to take the ultimate vows necessary for this.” Said Joshua. Moses was surprised. Perhaps after all The People were now ready to stand on their own two feet as a nation and take decisions together. So the Elders were led in to take the necessary vows and understand the strict rules of engagement under Herem conditions. They were really keen and ready.

“Repeat after me.” Moses recited to the Elders.

“After me, After me.” The Elders dutifully replied. Moses sighed, but decided to let it pass. Life was too short.

“We do solemnly and irrevocably vow that we are now bound by the international rules on behalf of the supreme God who is also I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You to conduct on his behalf a campaign against one who has consistently rebelled against the said deity. We will remove said rebel, his Accoutrements and Hereditaments corporeal and incorporeal, from this realm that belongs to the said deity, to cleanse said realm from the pollution caused by said rebel. What is said is now said. God willing.”

After the Elders stumbled through that and got there in the end, Joshua led the military wing of The People off to the badlands, found the Canaan tribal leader and appropriately kicked his Wild Ass.

“And that,” Moses dictated to his scribe, “Is why this whole area is in fact named Heremah.”

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 21:4-8

So they traveled further along Red Sea Road...

“I tell you, Madge,” said Eunice one day, “I am sick of eating manna. Every day, the same thing. Manna, manna, eggs, spam and manna. Without the spam, of course, because, well, you know, I’m on a dietary law.”

“You and me both, kiddo,” said Madge, chomping a fresh stick of manna-flavored gum.

“I have a shelf full of recipe books that are useless!!!”

“You and me both, kiddo.”

“Aaron would have taken care of it,” moaned Eunice. “Not this current guy. You know, Aaron’s son: What'sisname. Not the char-broiled ones. The one that wears his daddy’s clothes.”

“Naaaah. He doesn’t impress me either,” said Madge, shifting the gum in her mouth.

Up in the heavenly court, the trinitarian discussion was in full swing.

God of the first part: “Again with the moaning!”

God of the second part: “Before you suggest it, I don’t think this warrants fireballs. Those clearly do not get the point across.”

God of the third part: “I was thinking snakes. More slither, less sizzle.”


The next morning, Madge pounded excited on the door of Eunice’s tent. Which wasn’t very useful because it was a tent and the flap just flapped. But it caught Eunice’s attention, so I guess it performed its intended function.

“Eunice,” cried Madge. “Look! Snakes!”

“Yeah, I saw ‘em” said Eunice. “Henry is useless. All he does is lie on his bed, grasping his bullwhip and moaning ‘Why does it always have to be snakes?’ To be fair, one of them bit him, so he is feeling a might poorly.”

“But look at them!” Madge insisted. “Such a nice bronze color. Don’t they look yummy? I mean, even if they are poisonous.”

Eunice looked at Madge with more respect than one would normally show to somebody who insists on knocking at a tent flap. “What a wonderful idea! In fact, I have a recipe book here. 100 Tasty Snake Recipes.”

She reached for the book. And a snake bit her.

“Well that was uncalled for!” said Madge.

“It is worse than you think!’ cried Eunice flipping through the book. “Look at this! ‘Apple pie.’ ‘Apple strudel.’ ‘Apple sauce.’ How are these snake recipes?!?!?!?” And then she passed out.

Madge decided that things had gone far enough. There was no way that she was going to the guy that wore his daddy’s clothes, so she decided to complain to Moses.

And took a number, as there were a number of people in line. Some of them angrily shaking their copies of 100 Tasty Snake Recipes.

Moses, predictably, kicked it upstairs.

“Make a fiery snake. Put it on a pole. Hold it up in the air. Any of the bitten who look upon it will live.” So said IAIVTWY.

“Wow. You gave in really easily on this punishment,” said Moses. “What’s the catch?”

“Spoilers!” said the One of Many Tenses.

So Moses went out and..... “Wait a second! What did He mean ‘make a fiery snake’?”

Eleazar took a guess. “Try making it out of bronze. We don’t want to use gold or people might start worshiping it like that calf thing.”

“Ha, ha,” said Moses. “That will never.....oh, crap. I bet that is the catch.”

Nevertheless, he followed instructions. He made a bronze snake. Put it on a pole. And if anybody who had been bitten had the faith to look upon it, then he (or she) lived. And went back to eating manna.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

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Nigel M
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Numbers 21:10-20

The Master Scribe had been etching a work or two of his own. He had just got to the end of the title of one of his works and was gazing in pride at the lettering:

“Ye Treatise, Expositione And Reflektione Upon Diwerse Matters That Pertaineth Unto Ye Contests Betwixt Ye Divine Yclept I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You-Singular-Or-Plural And Those Of Baser Charakter,

OR

A Disquisition Expounding The Transit of El And His People Through Manifold Vicissitudes.”

It had taken him 4 weeks to get this far - except of course he wrote in Hebrew and without gaps or little letters. He was clever that way. He could even move his lips without speaking.

Moses burst in upon him and stared at this new tablet of stone. Had God decided to dictate laws in his absence now? The Learned Scribe apologised and explained that he thought it prudent to take the liberty of keeping a journal of the progress they had made. He offered a few Scraps* he had used to jot down notes that he intended to etch up later. Moses spoke from a couple (while his lips moved):

“...Oboth...Iye Abarim...Zered...Arnon... Hang on – I don't understand a word of this; is this a code or something?”

“Ah – I thought that might confuse.” Explained Master Scribe, apologetically. “I've taken the liberty of formalising the place names around here, but I will be explaining this all in the Scribble** eventually. Let me see...” He took the scraps from Moses and stared at them. “So, these places are better known as Wine-Skins, Foreign-Ruins (that was the one in the outback near Dad's-Seed as you look towards the rising sun), Willow-Brook, and Flushing-Waters.”

Moses stared at him. Master Scribe blinked and backed up.

“Erm, Flushing-Waters - that's the river that winds into Amorite country on the border with Dad's-Seed.”

“Erm, Dad's-Seed – that's the territory we are coming up to soon, if we continue on our current path.” He looked apologetic (he felt it part of his duty to take liberties and then be apologetic). “I'm afraid I didn't choose the names.”

“So,” Summarised Moses, “This is a Scribble of God's Wars, then?”

“Well,” Reflected back Master Scribe, “That's a rather vulgar way of putting it, but I suppose so.”

“Very well. But don't forget to add in Waheb-In-Suphah-By-The-Wadis and also the Ar-Site.” And Moses stalked out, grinning, as he knew the poor Master Scribe would now spend years trying to work out where those fictional places were.

So The People trudged on to Well, where surprisingly enough there was a well. I-Am-In-Various-Tenses-With-You organised water for them there. Moses rather suspected there were certain substances in the water, because that evening The People became boisterous and started singing:

“Allez-Oop Well! [thudda-thudda-boom-boom]
Come On People give it noise, front house girls and back street boys;
Talking deep the bosses leap and smack the heap with mighty sweep
Their walking sticks they slap on bricks
And on the rocks the sceptre knocks...”

Master Scribe was busy that night.

And so The People tottered through the outback to Bribe, then to God's-Ditch, on to Upland, and finally down to the territory of Dad's-Seed, where the heights of Fragment overlook the outback.


* Ed note: “Scrap” = the preliminary output of a scribe. Probably on parchment of varying quality. Was not intended to be long lasting.

** Ed note: “Scribble” = the final output of a scribe. Rather anachronistically named “Book” in English versions.

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Hedgehog

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Numbers 21:21-35

So they came upon the lands governed by King Knocking-Down of the Amorites. And Moses sent words of peace, to wit:

“To Noble King Knocking-Down, Peace! Let us please just travel up your smooth King’s Highway to get through your lands. We won’t dilly-dally or trample the vineyards where your grapes (hopefully without wrath) are stored. We won’t detour into the fields and nibble the produce. Heck, we won’t even drink any of your precious water. We will just travel on the King’s Highway until the next exit ramp and we’ll be gone. ‘Kay?”

Naturally, this left King Knocking-Down no choice but to assemble his armies and march out to battle Israel in the wilderness. I mean, what else could he do? “Hmph!” he snorted. “Our vineyards aren’t good enough for them! They sneer at our food! They spit at our water! Death is too good for them, but I’ll be generous and give it to them anyway.”

So he marched out and met Israel at Trodden-Down, and he was soundly defeated. The tribes of Israel took possession of the land from Swift River to Pour-Out Stream, as far as the border of the Ammonites--who really know how to defend their lands, unlike some I could mention.

And thus Israel settled in all the cities of the Amorites, in the city of Smart and in all its daughters.

[At this point, the editor tapped the translator on the shoulder. “Pardon the interruption, but surely that should read ‘villages.’?”

“It says ‘daughters,’” said the translator, pointing at the Hebrew text. “They settled in its daughters. Interesting image.”

“That’s a wrong image. It means ‘villages.’ Make it ‘villages.’”

“But it says ‘daughters.’ This is the Word of You-Know-Who. I can’t change it!”

“It is a translation of the Word of You-Know-Who and translating allows for editorial judgment. Make it ‘villages.’”]


And thus Israel settled in all the cities of the Amorites, in the city of Smart and in all its villages.

For Smart was the city of King Knocking-Down of the Amorites, who had fought against the former king of Dad’s-Seed and taken all the lands away from the control of the Dad’s-Seedites as far as the Swift River. This is why those who write advertising jingles say:

quote:
“Come to Smart! See our buildings!
Let the city of Knocking-Down be built up!

For fire went out from Smart;
A flame from the city of Knocking-Down.
It has burned Ar of Dad’s-Seed
And singed the lords of the high places of Swift River!

Come to Smart! See our buildings!
Let the city of Knocking-Down be built up!

Woe to the heirs of Dad’s-Seed!
You are destroyed, O people of Fish God the Destroyer!
He has made your sons fugitives
And your villages the prisoners of Knocking-Down!"

[“Hold it,” said the editor. “I think that should be ‘your daughters the prisoners, etc.’”

“You told me to make it ‘villages.’ I made it ‘villages.’” said the translator.

“I told you to make the other ‘daughters’ villages. These daughters are daughters. They must be. It goes with the reference to sons.”

“Maybe we should translate ‘sons’ as ‘metropolises’?”

“Don’t be stupid. How could metropolises become ‘fugitives’? It must be sons. And daughters.”]


quote:
"And your daughters the prisoners of Knocking-Down!
We have overpowered them!
Smart has perished as far as Pining-ville,
We have shattered them as far as Blast Town,
Up to the Waters of Quiet!

Come to Smart! See our buildings!
Let the city of Knocking-Down be built up!"

And so the People of Israel lived in the land of the Amorites. Moses sent spies to He-Helps City, and they captured its daughters and/or villages (your choice) and drove the Amorites from there.

And then Moses and the gang went further up the road (it really was very smooth) to the Land of Light Soil. Gigantic King Og of Light Soil came out to do battle on the fields of Mighty. IAIVTWY told Moses: “It’s in the bag!” And they went out and defeated Og, his sons, all his people and there were no survivors. So Israel possessed that land, too.

--------------------
"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'

Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged



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