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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Growing an Adult
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Gramps49
Shipmate
# 16378
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Posted
This afternoon I was listening to an NPR report on how to help prepare high school sophomores for college. They were interviewing a high school counselor on what she recommends. She recommends two things: 1) stop doing the kid's laundry. It is time for them to learn responsibility. Definitely, a task they have to do when they are away from home. 2) Invite adults to dinner at your home (and expect the kids to be there too). It helps the kids to interact with other adults and even to express their opinions in mature ways.
I would like to think my wife and I did pretty good with these suggestions. Our kids started doing their own laundry by middle school. I know our kids would wonder why they had to endure having older adults at our table, but I can see how it helped the kids become leaders among their peers.
I am also pleased to see our kids passing the same skills along to their children.
Some other points I would add: one, if your child makes a mistake, don't rescue them, let them experience the consequences. I live in a university town and I see so many parents who want to helicopter into town to rescue their poor child. Only once did my wife and I had to intervene but that was because our one child had become incapacitated and could not make a choice on his own.
Two: let them earn their keep. Okay, we paid for the basics up through graduation from high school and even helped them beyond that as we were able, but if they wanted to have more than the basics, they would have to pay for it themselves. The kids, for instance, wanted a playstation. We could not afford to pay for it (they were quite expensive when they came out), but we helped the kids devise a way to pay for it themselves. They worked their butts off to get it. I think it gave them a sense of accomplishment when they purchased it.
At 16 all my kids were able to get jobs. Once they got their own jobs, we also expected them to learn to balance their own checking accounts. They actually do better at this than we can ourselves.
Three: expect them to volunteer. It is not just about earning their own money and doing with it as they will but doing things for the good of others. They did this through church and community activities. We provided some leadership at first, but then they took over their own projects.
What other suggestions would you have for parents about growing an adult?
Posts: 2193 | From: Pullman WA | Registered: Apr 2011
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anteater
Ship's pest-controller
# 11435
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Posted
Unfortunately, I think posts like this, about what a marvellous job you did with your kids and how well they turned out, can cause a reaction from those who were not so lucky as you, and tried their best and ended up with kids who have problems.
Just like those (and I know some) where all there children are "walking with the Lord" and in one case, they have no relatives that they know about who are not Godly. Whereas one of the nicest Christian families I know, have 2 girls both christian, one son started out that way but flipped, and one who never gave religion a single thought and still doesn't.
Would you assume they did something wrong?
I think too much guilt is laid on parents, especially in the Church, where most people believe that THEY are saved by grace, but their children are bought to Christ by the parenting skills of their Mum and Dad.
I'm more of the view that outcome is 40% genetics, 40% peer society and 20% parents.
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Schnuffle schnuffle.
Posts: 2538 | From: UK | Registered: May 2006
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
As usual I go back to dogs.
We raise Guide Dog pups and only 3 out of 4 make the course to become fully fledged guides.
I was a meeting recently and the person in charge of all training was asked 'what can we do to improve this?' She said 'nothing, it's down to the genes - if there were something we could do to improve their chances we'd be doing it already'. Even with the best breeding programme in the world (which they have) you can't be sure which genes will come through.
As with children - all the above, of course, but you need to pass on the best genes too.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
My advice would be "ignore people on the internet who're telling you how you're doing it wrong."
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Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
How to "grow an adult", eh?
Sadly, there is no manual and no blueprint.
From time-to-time I've been flippant (well, partly) and said that our approach was to look at the way we were brought up and then do the opposite, but really that isn't true since many of the rules we applied with ours had been applied to us, albeit that we applied them ourselves as opposed to getting them applied by someone else.
So, to be rational, how might one draw up a blueprint? Perhaps that is the question to be asked and answered, so this is my two-penn'orth:
Sit down and make a list of those abilities and qualities you would like your child(ren) to possess in their teen years. I think most of us would have in there somewhere politeness and courtesy, ability to amuse oneself, practical skills for everyday life (cooking and cleaning, driving, simple gardening), life skills (swimming, ability to assess risk).
Next, look at those behaviours in smaller children that you find/have found most annoying in children, especially not your own: in here I'd put: rudeness, tantrums, picky eating, endless whingeing, cruelty. Having made that list then work out what is most likely to cause children to behave in the ways you don't like and list the solution, so: teach please-and-thank-you, stop tantrums by explaining why they'll never work (and stick to it); keep proper sit-down mealtimes and enforce rule that if something is left then child not hungry and no snacking; don't give in to so-called "pester-power"; nip any cruelty, whether to people or animals, in the bud.
When they are small take responsibility: YOU are the adult and YOU make the rules. A child that is well-fed, well-rested and well-loved has more chance of behaving in an acceptable manner than one who knows no boundaries.
Two thing aboves all? I'd say proper bedtime when they are little, and NEVER use bed as a punishment.
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
Okay, I'll bite. As a start....
Let them find their own way to school. Don't drive them.
Send them outside without electronics.
Make sure they can swim, chop wood and light a fire, do basic repairs on clothing and equipment.
Ensure they understand that kindness is a Good Thing, but they also need to be able to deliver a knee in the avocados and a left hook to the nose. Both figuratively and actually.
Ensure that they understand that many people who claim to know something are trying to sell you something, either an idea or a product.
Teach them to have snappy answers to stupid questions, like "do you know Jesus?". "It is unlikely I believe just as you do".
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Og, King of Bashan
Ship's giant Amorite
# 9562
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
My advice would be "ignore people on the internet who're telling you how you're doing it wrong."
I was in the library bathroom cleaning up a tremendous mess on my daughter's backside the other day (she's still getting the hang of going out without a diaper on). An older man walked in on frantic me running around trying to get everything taken care of, looked over, and said, "I've been there."
This is the best thing that other people can do, and worth much more than helpful advice. Express sympathy.
I appreciate the occasional anecdote, but yes, actual unsolicited "this is how WE did it and it worked out great" advice is not generally what I need at any given moment.
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"I like to eat crawfish and drink beer. That's despair?" ― Walker Percy
Posts: 3259 | From: Denver, Colorado, USA | Registered: May 2005
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
I wish I knew how to do it.
We have one child who is a well adjusted, lovely, caring, a pleasure to be with, and a real value to society.
Then we have the other one.
There is no guidebook. Even another child is not a guidebook. The only guide is to do what you think is the best, tell everyone else to eat your shorts, and hope that it might work out.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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SvitlanaV2
Shipmate
# 16967
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by anteater:
I know some [families] where all there children are "walking with the Lord" and in one case, they have no relatives that they know about who are not Godly. Whereas one of the nicest Christian families I know, have 2 girls both christian, one son started out that way but flipped, and one who never gave religion a single thought and still doesn't.
Would you assume they did something wrong?
I think too much guilt is laid on parents, especially in the Church.
To be more specific, I think the guilt is more of an issue in evangelical churches (and also in the RCC, or so I've heard).
In mainstream MOTR congregations the loss of churchgoers' children has been going on for so long that when it happens I think there may be a mixture of disappointment and resignation, but not really guilt. Some churchgoers also take the view that their children are free to decide for themselves, so haven't invested too much emotional effort in transmitting the faith.
Moreover, in many mainstream families (even among the clergy) only one parent is a committed Christian, so the expectation that their children will automatically become committed Christians isn't necessarily there. There's a much more private, individualistic notion of the faith.
Ultimately, I don't think it's possible to remove the potential for guilt without also reducing the efforts that evangelical parents and churches take to christianise their children. The only alternative is to take the whole matter less seriously - which is likely to lead to higher numbers of defections overall.
[ 23. March 2017, 17:43: Message edited by: SvitlanaV2 ]
Posts: 6668 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2012
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
You can take my stuff with a grain of salt as my son is not 16 yet. But I think the one single best thing I've done (leaving out baptism and Christian teaching) is to make sure he knows that we love him absolutely and really, even when we're pissed off at him. This meant a lot of "watch your mouth" for me, as he'd usually ask for reassurance after a day of getting on my very last nerve.
I've also made sure to say "I like you" straight out when he was little, and to find more adult ways of saying the same thing as he got older. Because I've spent a lot of my life living with people who, however much they might love me in an emergency, spent the bulk of our life together pouring heavy disapproval on me. They may have actually liked me, too, but I don't know--all our communication was negative. And so I did the usual thing of swearing I'd not do the same to my kid.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
Something I forgot!
In the UK, four important little words: Duke of Edinburgh Award.
It is the one scheme where parents cannot helicopter and teaches all those outdoorsy skills that we think handy (fire making, navigation and map-reading) to which some children are never exposed.
Yes, it can be seen as a middle-class thing but the Award does sterling work to give the opportunity to children from inner cities and poorer households.*
My two did all three awards - a Godsend when my other half was dying.
*If your little darlings have spare equipment get in touch with the Award trustees and they'll bite your hand off so it can be used for children who may not be able to afford new stuff.
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Karl: Liberal Backslider
Shipmate
# 76
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
My advice would be "ignore people on the internet who're telling you how you're doing it wrong."
I was in the library bathroom cleaning up a tremendous mess on my daughter's backside the other day (she's still getting the hang of going out without a diaper on). An older man walked in on frantic me running around trying to get everything taken care of, looked over, and said, "I've been there."
This is the best thing that other people can do, and worth much more than helpful advice. Express sympathy.
I appreciate the occasional anecdote, but yes, actual unsolicited "this is how WE did it and it worked out great" advice is not generally what I need at any given moment.
Yes, "I've been there" gets a B+. Of course "let me hold that for you while you wipe her up" is A* with a special award on Speech Day ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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Might as well ask the bloody cat.
Posts: 17938 | From: Chesterfield | Registered: May 2001
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quetzalcoatl
Shipmate
# 16740
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Posted
I think a certain amount of 'badness' is important, although not to excess. I was glad when my son was rude, lied a bit, hid the bottle of vodka in the freezer, and so on, as he seemed human. As to when this becomes excessive, and should be warned about, it's up to you. But repressing all signs of wickedness is not good, although maybe some Christians don't agree.
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I can't talk to you today; I talked to two people yesterday.
Posts: 9878 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2011
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
My children are 28 and 32, respectively. I have always tried to respect them as their own persons. I do not get to run them; they get to choose their own destiny. I point out, exhaustively, the dead ends they will probably wish not to pursue, but the decision is theirs.
This was particularly difficult when my daughter joined the US Army and went to Afghanistan. Surely it would have been better to keep the reins in my own hands? But she spent all her high school and college years kicking butt, and after administering pain to terrorists in the high Pamir she came back in good order.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Ethne Alba
Shipmate
# 5804
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Posted
I've always had half an eye on any future person that any of my lot might end up sharing their life with.
'Coz i'd hope that the Future Person might like me....rather than spend years muttering about me.
To that end: cooking, washing clothes, handling conversations with adults, smiling and considering others.
Posts: 3126 | Registered: Apr 2004
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