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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Difficult relatives
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
Is this the nephew that was previously unhappy with you because you told him he was getting fat?
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
Yes, but the issue is more complex than that.
And he **is** fat.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Anselmina
Ship's barmaid
# 3032
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Posted
Of course, it has to be RooK who comes up with the most Christianly response to Miss Amanda's disapproving relatives; 'for in doing so, you heap coals of fire on his head'. Which, in retrospect, doesn't sound that Christianly?!
I thought it was an Auntie's job to be eccentric and not altogether a completely tame sort of relative? They don't know the treasure they have in Miss Amanda.
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Irish dogs needing homes! http://www.dogactionwelfaregroup.ie/ Greyhounds and Lurchers are shipped over to England for rehoming too!
Posts: 10002 | From: Scotland the Brave | Registered: Jul 2002
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Ok, honor dictates that I relate the following:
I am being treated for anxiety related to PTSD.
As a result of this, I am a lot harder to provoke.
As a result... um... Mom and I are kinda getting along. My nervous system was her favorite toy, and I took it away from her. Once I began acting less like a prey animal and more like a human being, I guess she found me easier to understand.
Stay tuned, of course. 😏
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Anselmina:
I thought it was an Auntie's job to be eccentric and not altogether a completely tame sort of relative?
Hell yes. I only have one nephew and I do my best to live up to this part of my job description. He's my favourite relative.
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I am being treated for anxiety related to PTSD.
That's excellent to hear. The treatment part, and how it sounds effective. Not the PTSD part, that sounds deeply shitty.
quote:
As a result of this, I am a lot harder to provoke.
That reads like a dare.
quote:
Once I began acting less like a prey animal and more like a human being, I guess she found me easier to understand.
That makes sense. I wonder how much of our individual difficulties relating with other people is based not just on our feelings of not being understood, but on how we also fail to comprehend other people's mechanisms for misunderstanding us.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
It is HARD to stop acting like a prey animal. I have to catch myself every fucking day in my new job among normal people.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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mark_in_manchester
not waving, but...
# 15978
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Posted
quote:
I wonder how much of our individual difficulties relating with other people is based not just on our feelings of not being understood, but on how we also fail to comprehend other people's mechanisms for misunderstanding us.
I find myself moving back into relationship with a closely-related DR who was unable to speak with / be in the same house as me for a few years. We're probably quite a long way through a (short) period of 'hey, isn't it nice to be polite to one another and interact' and not too far off some 'hmm, I remember why you really piss me off'.
I'll try to bear the above in mind - it rings true. In particular, ISTM that 'being in relationship' can itself form a potent part of the mechanism of misunderstanding.
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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)
Posts: 1596 | Registered: Oct 2010
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Palimpsest
Shipmate
# 16772
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Ok, honor dictates that I relate the following:
I am being treated for anxiety related to PTSD.
As a result of this, I am a lot harder to provoke.
As a result... um... Mom and I are kinda getting along. My nervous system was her favorite toy, and I took it away from her. Once I began acting less like a prey animal and more like a human being, I guess she found me easier to understand.
Stay tuned, of course. 😏
For some reason I am reminded of
Prozac Shrimp
Posts: 2990 | From: Seattle WA. US | Registered: Nov 2011
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
Well, aren't you a ray of damn sunshine.
Also, RooK-- bring it, d-bag. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
{Prepares to bet on Kelly.} ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Wesley J
Silly Shipmate
# 6075
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Posted
Ok, this is about my 'aquaintance', W, who I asked prayers for a while ago.
I did go and visit him in hospital, and guess will do so again, although reluctantly.
We've known each other for donkey's years - however, when I got to know him, I was at a low stage in my life, and have since worked my way up, and things seem to be working out for me rather well. With him, the opposite: he was, perhaps 10 or 15 years my senior, sort of a role model in parts, and I think I did learn a few things from him.
Now, he is a trained actor, has had some minor roles on TV and on stage, but never got that big breakthrough he was hoping for. He's been very irritable and narcissistic, and has become increasingly so over the years. He never 'left home' and still lives in his parents' old farmhouse in the village he grew up. The loss of his father and especially his mother, again quite a few years ago, left him emotionally very fragile, and he got psychological help and treatment for an extendend period of time. This even resulted in him getting disability benefit due to his huge panic attacks, where he could barely leave his house.
There were moments when he called me and we talked on the phone, with me, younger than him and back then pretty miserable myself, supposed to advise him or lift his spirits or just tend to his ego - I was never quite sure. He sometimes used to call me daily for me to reassure him about this or that, and even called late at night, occasionally several times, again asking me to tell him he was safe, and that everything was ok. It was then when I severed ties with him, and said that I was not his therapist, and that I was willing to talk to him once a week, like, for half an hour, but that this was all I could invest, and that he needed to get help.
The only contact we had for the past 5 or so years then was me sending him a Christmas card, and him awkwardly ringing me a few days later, leaving a message on my answerphone, thanking me for the card.
So, when I got his call with that wobbly, breaking, weak voice, and he said he was in hospital now, had a pulmonary edema, that he could not speak well (yeah, I could hear that! But then, he's an actor...!), and if I could please please come and visit him in hospital... - a few days later I did go and visit him.
This is when he said that in the meantime he'd been diagnosed with lung cancer. In fact, he did look like death warmed up (but only a little!). His appearance was utterly skeletal, his skin leathery, especially with his skull shaved (which he likes to do once a week, he says). Paradoxically, he always wanted to be very slim and look very lean and angular - well, there you go, goal reached!
Unfortunately, still now, he seems to have some rather high demands on others: he said that he'd like to go to this or that museum, and see an art exhibition here and there. However, I don't own a car, and with just one person as support, this is unlikely to happen - he might collapse at any time. Also, when he wasn't happy with his dinner (which he could choose from a number of items!), he rang the nurse - before I could stop him - to complain about the food, and asked her to take it away, and some other stuff as well. Needless to say, the nurse wasn't amused; as any fool know, they have their set time to collect the trays after meals, he isn't their only patient on the ward, and his ringing them was absolutely not an emergency! Grrrr!
He anyway barely eats anything now, and the hospital want him to eat by his own means (which they say he can), before inserting a feeding tube.
So, dear Shippies (if you've read that far), I'm in two minds about this. I must say there's some quiet voices of triumph in that my own path in life has gone exactly the opposite direction of his: for I was weak and he was (seemingly) strong, and now I am strong (through a helluva lot of work) and he is weak.
I think what he'd need to do is ground himself, go deep instead into the superficial. He could play like a fatherly role now to others, in being generous and listening and at peace with himself. But he's always been a very troubled and perhaps troublesome mind, insecure and often unbearably arrogant.
Any ideas on how to deal with this? I'm sick and tired of abuse, even now, but then I am sort of called to be merciful, but have got my own life to live.
Hm.
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Be it as it may: Wesley J will stay. --- Euthanasia, that sounds good. An alpine neutral neighbourhood. Then back to Britain, all dressed in wood. Things were gonna get worse. (John Cooper Clarke)
Posts: 7354 | From: The Isles of Silly | Registered: May 2004
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
{{{{{Wes}}}}} {{{{{Friend}}}}}
Thought: does the hospital have a social worker, chaplain, patient advocate, etc.? They may well be able to help your friend, or get him help. Maybe get into a support group. Sometimes, it's possible to arrange this for someone over the phone--which, BTW, is very handy for anyone trying to help someone from a distance. You might give whoever you talk to just a thumbnail version of your friend's past and current mental state. That way, they can be prepared; and, if when they visit him, he seems ok, they have more of the story.
Good luck!
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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mark_in_manchester
not waving, but...
# 15978
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Posted
Hard, innit, Wesley J. Lives can go down as well as up. I think you're wise to take a firm view of what you can handle (and sticking to it - 'so yes, I'm a selfish twat for only wanting to come in every x or y - now am I coming, or would you rather not?') - but that is more likely to take your friendship in the direction of real communication, where you can do some good. It can protect you to the point where you don't actually need to run away, as many people would. Or they might cut you off, in which case you were (for the moment) wasting your time anyway.
I wish I could give myself gratuitous advice like I give to others.
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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)
Posts: 1596 | Registered: Oct 2010
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sabine
Shipmate
# 3861
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Wesley J:
Any ideas on how to deal with this? I'm sick and tired of abuse, even now, but then I am sort of called to be merciful, but have got my own life to live.
I was faced with this issue with my parents, and quite frankly, I didn't always live up to my ideals or the ideals that others wanted me to live up to. In the end (and it was within month of the end for each parent) I decided that the narrative of our past together did not outweigh their need to be comfortable in their last days. They were dying, and I would live on. I had a lot to let go of, and my private time was often filled with bad feelings. It was difficult, and I'm no saint. Caring for someone at the end of life is a calling that requires the help of the Holy Spirit, I'm convinced. Now that they are gone, I am glad that there was a bit of play acting on my part.
I hear and understand your feelings about this. I hope you find a way to be present to W without too much damage to your own peace of mind.
ETA: The play acting actually managed to take some of the pressure off. I could step outside of the story of our relationships and the feelings of being used. It was odd to notice this at first, but I'm glad it worked that way.
sabine
[ 28. July 2017, 14:57: Message edited by: sabine ]
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"Hunger looks like the man that hunger is killing." Eduardo Galeano
Posts: 5887 | From: the US Heartland | Registered: Dec 2002
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
I found that play acting thing worked, ages back, in a difficult friendship situation, in helping to keep things working well when a third party got involved. It surprised me.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Wesley J
Silly Shipmate
# 6075
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Posted
Thank you, Denizens of Hell (and assorted boards).
Much food for thought. - Like Schwarzenegger said: I'll be back.
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Be it as it may: Wesley J will stay. --- Euthanasia, that sounds good. An alpine neutral neighbourhood. Then back to Britain, all dressed in wood. Things were gonna get worse. (John Cooper Clarke)
Posts: 7354 | From: The Isles of Silly | Registered: May 2004
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Jemima the 9th
Shipmate
# 15106
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Posted
Harrumph. One tiny message to say (getting the formalities out of the way) "how are the family?", followed by "I'm ill".
The problem is that messages aren't just messages, they're code for "come and look after me". DR might be ill, just as he might have been the preceding 8 million times. But it seems unlikely. What's hellish, though, is that I've wasted hours pondering whether to reply, and if so with what. And it's made me stroppy with the children. Pffft. To steal from the Handmaid's Tale, it's high time I got my fucking shit together.
Posts: 801 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2009
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Jemima the 9th:
Harrumph. One tiny message to say (getting the formalities out of the way) "how are the family?", followed by "I'm ill".
The problem is that messages aren't just messages, they're code for "come and look after me". DR might be ill, just as he might have been the preceding 8 million times. But it seems unlikely. What's hellish, though, is that I've wasted hours pondering whether to reply, and if so with what. And it's made me stroppy with the children. Pffft. To steal from the Handmaid's Tale, it's high time I got my fucking shit together.
Agh.
This reminded me of my paternal grandmother, a narcissistic queen who perfected the passive-aggressive illness.
In a rare moment of insight my dad called her one morning and asked how she was. This, of course, was followed by long stream of sighing re imaginary ailments. Dad responded, "oh, that's too bad. I'd called to see if you wanted to join [my mom] & I to drive up the coast for brunch at [fancy upscale beachside inn]. Oh, well. we'll have to go without you..."
He cut off the sputtering to say they had to go to arrive before the brunch service ended.
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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner
Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
cliffdweller--
Bravo to your dad! LOL.
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
{{{{{Jemima}}}}}
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Jemima the 9th
Shipmate
# 15106
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Posted
Thank you, Golden Key.
cliffdweller, that is utter genius. I love it.
Posts: 801 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2009
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
I came across a Carolyn Hax advice column about trying very hard to get attention/affection from Difficult Relatives who will never give it, and coming to terms with that.
It resonated with me, and it might with you, too.
{{{{{Everyone with difficult relatives}}}}}
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
A has something important to discuss with B, and wants to discuss it face to face, when they next meet, in several weeks time. In the meantime A wants it kept a secret, to avoid B hearing second hand.
A has discussed it with me and C, and told us who we can and can't mention it to. A is happy for D to know. But C doesn't want D to know and has asked it be kept secret from D.
D has texted me to say thanks for a birthday gift, and has also said that she thinks A is keeping a secret from C. D says she is going to phone me for a chat.
Fuck. What do I say to D if she phones fishing for info? I know that A isn't keeping a secret from C, but that it is in fact C who is keeping a secret from D.
The North-East offspring have suggested that if D phones and the conversation starts getting awkward I can give them a signal and one will shout "Mum! Mum! There are sparks coming from the kettle!!" which will let me end the call rapidly, but I think the situation is complicated enough without inventing a malfunctioning kettle. I can almost guarantee that if I do, within 24 hours I'll be fielding anxious phone calls from, inter alia, A, and possibly B and C about rumours of a fire in my kitchen / my house burning down.
![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
{{{{{NEQ}}}}}
I've been known to make an "appointment" with myself. During a difficult, unwanted phone call (e.g. with a Difficult Relative): when I couldn't take it any more, I'd plead an appointment. Didn't say what it was. May well have been TV, reading, taking a walk. But an appointment with *myself* is just as valid as any other.
If the kids are old enough to have homework, they could call out that they need help with it.
Or they could always have a "fight"... ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
Oh, and sometimes it helps to set a mental time limit on how long you'll let the call last. (E.g., "I'll hang up after 10 min., unless A drives me mad before then".)
Good luck!
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Curiosity killed ...
Ship's Mug
# 11770
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Posted
The other thing you could do is say that A, B and C all seem to have their heads together at the moment, you're not entirely sure what the problem is, but you hope when they've sorted themselves out you'll know what's going on and will be able to explain. Now this minute you're not sure yourself and would hate to pass on a garbled version that would add to the confusion; has D asked A? With your fingers crossed behind your back that A will tell D if prompted.
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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat
Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
A would happily tell D, were it not for the fact that C has asked A to keep it a secret from D.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Curiosity killed ...
Ship's Mug
# 11770
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Posted
But it's not your problem to be kept a secret. It's A's, and C has decided that it should be kept a secret from D.
So deflect the issue back to A, by suggesting D talks to A. This may mean A overrides C and tells D, or backs C and doesn't tell D. Either way it's A's secret and up to them whether they tell D or not, so their problem to deal with.
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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat
Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006
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Doc Tor
Deepest Red
# 9748
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Posted
1. Publish it on social media.
2. Live-tweet the fallout.
3. ...
4. Profit.
If they've told someone, it's not a secret.
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Forward the New Republic
Posts: 9131 | From: Ultima Thule | Registered: Jul 2005
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Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
Fuck. What do I say to D if she phones fishing for info? I know that A isn't keeping a secret from C, but that it is in fact C who is keeping a secret from D.
"I haven't picked up on any kind of problem between A and C. What makes you think that?" Then let D talk all her worries out, and tell her that you don't think there's anything to it, but you'll keep your eyes open. Has the benefit of being 100% true.
[ 23. August 2017, 02:39: Message edited by: Leorning Cniht ]
Posts: 5026 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2013
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
In such cases i simply wave my hands and say helplessly to whoever enquires, "It's all so complicated. My head is going round. If you find out, maybe you could let me know?" Rinse, repeat, till they go away.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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RuthW
liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
D has texted me to say thanks for a birthday gift, and has also said that she thinks A is keeping a secret from C. D says she is going to phone me for a chat.
Fuck. What do I say to D if she phones fishing for info? I know that A isn't keeping a secret from C, but that it is in fact C who is keeping a secret from D.
Tell D that if she thinks A is keeping a secret, she should talk to A. There is no reason for you to clarify the situation for D -- it's not up to you to decide who gets to know what in this scenario.
Edit: cross-posted with LC.
[ 23. August 2017, 04:09: Message edited by: RuthW ]
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
This is getting v. weird. Since my parents passed away this year, my sister and I decided it would be good to visit our three aunts, my mother's sisters, who all live in New York City and are all in their late 80s or early 90s. We did this earlier in August. Two of them are very sensible.
But the one, my Aunt P., has a screw loose. We have not seen her in a good 20 years, because of her penchant for family feuds. She assured us that another cousin has stolen/hoarded all the assets that should have been distributed to the family, and proposes that we all hire a lawyer.
We assumed this was a 'let's you and him fight' ploy, and played dumb. Now today she is pelting my unlucky sister with phone calls (I prudently neglected to give Aunt P my number) trying to either organize this lawsuit or a family confrontation, which cannot possibly go well.
I should mention that all these assets (stocks, land, etc.) are in China from several changes in regime ago. The chances of getting anything out of the current Chinese government are infinitesimal. And in any case I believe she has forgotten that a settlement of some sort was achieved in the 80s, by relatives now deceased. If there was any money, it's gone.
I suggested to my sister that she block the number on her phone, but I'm a one for the fast solution...
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Playing dumb and ignorant is always useful. It gets you out of any number of feuds. As does failure to return timely phone calls. (Those who are chicken can call up, say "how are you?" and get intentionally interrupted 5 minutes in, so as to remove any pretext for "you're blocking me...")
This is actually how I've handled matters in my extended family for lo, these twenty years now. I have a rep as the clueless one. ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Rosa Winkel
Saint Anger round my neck
# 11424
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Posted
I know that thread necromancy is frowned upon, but I hope I understand things correctly that this thread is an exception.
I've been reading this thread over time and feeling common cause with some, what with my mother. She has a mental illness; it was never told me, not least by herself, what she has. She did have a diagnoses of schizophrenia when I was a young lad, but later this was questioned by a doctor. That's what my mum told me anyway.
Anyway, she was on anti-depressants since before I was born in the early 1970s. She came off them about two years ago. She came to us for Christmas 2016 and cried for the slightest of reasons a few times and was generally overwhelmed by the presence of my then three-year-old son, as it brought her back how she brought me up (alone, my father died when I was three).
Her doctor told that there is nothing wrong with her, based upon what she told him. I disagree with this. Due to her recent crying due to problems with Skype I told her to see the doctor, and she said that she will instead "trust God".
Once some Christian friends told her that the taking of anti-depressants shows that "she doesn't trust God". That's the hellish part of this post.
As it is, based upon my intuitions and what some have written here about their experiences, I guess the time is for me to protect my children (my son had many tantrums when she was here, as he was stressed by her, I guess) and even further limit contact with her with them, and accept that it is her who has the responsibility for dealing with her mental illness (not me), even if she reckons that she is "fine" (she gets paranoid about "others telling me what to do" as regards to getting help).
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The Disability and Jesus "Locked out for Lent" project
Posts: 3271 | From: Wrocław | Registered: May 2006
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Helen-Eva
Shipmate
# 15025
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Rosa Winkel:
Once some Christian friends told her that the taking of anti-depressants shows that "she doesn't trust God". That's the hellish part of this post.
God has given us few finer gifts that anti-depressants as they allow a lot of people to live their lives who would otherwise die in despair. (God's contribution of painkillers is also much appreciated.) I would be very angry if any so-called Christian friends told any of me or mine not to take the pills that had been duly prescribed by a proper doctor.
I'm so sorry to hear of your problems RW and if I have anything to add it's that I think you're right you have to protect yourself and your children. Driving yourself nuts will not help anyone else so I hope you will be able to keep yourself safe(ish). ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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I thought the radio 3 announcer said "Weber" but it turned out to be Webern. Story of my life.
Posts: 637 | From: London, hopefully in a theatre or concert hall, more likely at work | Registered: Aug 2009
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mark_in_manchester
not waving, but...
# 15978
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Posted
What to do with loony parents.
For me, keeping a lot of physical and emotional distance helps a lot - one can only afford lots of truth and vulnerability with people who are themselves truthful, and some people are so damaged that they may have to wangle the truth wildly, and perhaps hourly, in order to keep themselves together. This doesn't change.
So I find that the distance, paradoxically, enables me to be kind. And if I have only said 'ah, yes, I see' to the last version of reality, then when it changes to its opposite, I need only add 'ah, yes, I see'. The good thing is, through both I can smile.
Maybe the big problem with physical distance is that you can't pop in with grand-kid, and then leave again when it isn't going so well that day. I've tried to keep my kids available-ish to my parents through some fairly heavy shit, and on the whole I'm glad I did - now kids are older (10 and 12) they can kind of handle it, and the parents are sliding off into their dotage, their anger more and more irrelevant.
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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)
Posts: 1596 | Registered: Oct 2010
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
{{{{{everyone with difficult relatives}}}}}
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
My family's information management is driving me nuts.
A has a Big Secret. Eight family members know this Big Secret, but A is anxious to keep it a secret from an alcoholic relative whose reactions are unpredictable (I suspect that there's a degree of dementia creeping in to alcoholic relative's behaviour, the behaviour is becoming increasingly disinhibited)
It doesn't help that the alcoholism is another Family Secret - we all know about it, but are supposed to use coded language "slipped on an icy pavement" or "tripped over a loose rug" instead of "fell down drunk."
I can see why A doesn't want Alcoholic Relative to know, but there's a family event coming up, at which keeping the Big Secret might mean me telling outright bare-faced lies. And I absolutely don't want to do that.
I need to persuade A to get the whole matter out into the open, but I don't know how.
The only positive in all this is that I am determined not to carry on this ridiculous who-knows-what to the next generation.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Meconopsis
Apprentice
# 18146
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Posted
Reading these is jogging my memory. I tend to forget just how sick my own family-of-origin is, because since my mother died, they just aren't in my life
But that last one from NE Quine reminded me of an incident very similar, & horrible, & relatively recent.
I am in northern Calif. Cousin Sheila came to spend a month with my mother in her beautiful house. This cousin brought a secret, and told me first - no special reason, just timing.
It was a very very really bad thing about my mother's brother (Uncle Bill) who happens to be the family highest-achiever. The secret was, he was caught in pedophilic activity while acting as a trusted (& admired) church deacon & catechism teacher.
Next time I went to visit, the group was: my mother, younger sister, & cousin Sheila. Sheila met me at the door and whispered, "Don't let your mother know I told you about Uncle Bill, because when I told her, she said, "Don't tell this to Meconopsis".
Well, later on the conversation came around to Uncle Bill, & I was in the position of having to participate in conscious dishonesty, or ask about what my mom & sister thought about the news. Mother & sister both attacked me, referring to me as a "lynch mob".
Ever after, when my mother & I were together & no-one else was present, my mother would start singing the praises of Uncle Bill, & i would say very little.
I finally looked her in the face & said, "If you want to talk about Uncle Bill, let's do it".
She looked at me with disgust & I don't think she ever did this to me again.
The sad thing is, I don't know if cousin Sheila is angry with me for not following her instructions.
Posts: 31 | Registered: Jun 2014
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LutheranChik
Shipmate
# 9826
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Posted
As some of you know, my spouse is in the hospital recovering from a severe GI/ pancreatic/ renal Perfect Storm. (Doing better; thanks for the prayers and positive wishes.)
She’s been so sick that I’ve been the de facto family PR agent, issuing health updates. At one point I mentioned that DS had been on a rigorous liquid diet to prepare for some surgery this month, and we had wondered if this might have somehow set this crisis in motion. DiL responded, “ Did a doctor prescribe that, or was it her idea?” I understand that tone doesn’t always translate in IMs, but to me it was incredibly rude and hurtful. She has a talent for making DS feel stupid — and, truth be told, Son # 2 will also constantly second- guess DS’s decisions about everything — always assumes she’s wrong. Since I’m a stepparent, and a late one at that, I have to hold my tongue during some of these interchanges so things don’t spin out of control, but sometimes I’d like to take these two behind the woodshed and give them a whuppin’. People who make my wife cry make me furious.
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Simul iustus et peccator
http://www.lutheranchiklworddiary.blogspot.com
Posts: 6462 | From: rural Michigan, USA | Registered: Jul 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
LC - how painful to be caught between these behaviours and your wife's distress, and to be unable to follow your instinct to defend your mate. Congratulations on your self-control. ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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LutheranChik
Shipmate
# 9826
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Posted
I just realized I described myself as a “ late stepparent.” I meant to say a “ late to the game stepparent.” The kids haven’t killed me yet.;-)
BTW, Son # 2 called yesterday morning and seemed genuinely concerned and non- judgmental. For now.
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Simul iustus et peccator
http://www.lutheranchiklworddiary.blogspot.com
Posts: 6462 | From: rural Michigan, USA | Registered: Jul 2005
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I hope that helped to lighten things for you, LC.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
Agh, LC-- I always think of your family as so sane and reasonable. I'm so sorry to hear you, too, suffer from the plague of DR. Especially painful when you're worried and stressed yourself with your wife's illness. Although it's fairly normal I guess for the DR to act up more when stressed. Some people (looking around for that "someone" and then realize I'm looking into a mirror) deal with stress and worry by amping up the micro-managing/2nd guessing because it gives them (us) an illusion of control.
(and a non-hellish prayer for LC & DS)
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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner
Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Control issues seem to underlie an awful lot. Just observe any stroppy toddler.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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LutheranChik
Shipmate
# 9826
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Posted
A lot of it, I’m sure, is about 40- something’s coming to terms with their parents’ mortality. Plus two individuals with such a strong internal locus of control that random misfortune really throws them for a loop.
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Simul iustus et peccator
http://www.lutheranchiklworddiary.blogspot.com
Posts: 6462 | From: rural Michigan, USA | Registered: Jul 2005
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