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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Aging Parents
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
So far you have been effectively loaded with responsibility but no power. That really does not work in the long term. Isn't it time to look after your needs? That's also a moral imperative.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
Sarasa: he thinks his eyesight is worse than the doctors do, yes. I was there when they tested and saw pre/post results and several years worth. The results are the same. But it's his eye (he has one only).
Penny S: Lyda has it correct I think. Though this sort of strong medicine is easier for me to support when I don't have to do it!
--I think we've gotten a little forward with my father. He is agreeing to go down to the dining hall for suppers. He had been taking his supper in his room. This would be very good, because it means he's considering socializing with other than myself and my dearly ever-patient wife. Hope he follows through! Tonight is D-Day for it.
He is almost agreeing to go to CNIB (Cdn National Institute for the Blind) with my wife's discussion with him, to get some sight aids. And out of the blue, he starts asking if he should be watching Netflix. Hell yes indeedy! I went to see what cable thingies are needed yesterday and put a msg into the maintenance dept for help. Not sure if Netflix has described video or not.
[ 13. February 2018, 18:15: Message edited by: no prophet's flag is set so... ]
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Interesting things happening.
Good - D's son has spoken with the person he probably got his problem from who described, unprompted, the exact same symptoms and is now better, so the doctor's and nurses' concerns about stroke are not a thing.
Hmmm. D saw the doctor, a young slip of a woman who came pre-prepared with an anti-biotic prescription, and identified the redness on the legs as Staph. aureus from the yellowish crusting. D is responsible for this because of the way she scratched and peeled off her wrappings over the weekend, but blames the nurses for not coming when she reported she had done so. I trotted off to the chemist and got the stuff, and D then refused to take it because she had not had a swab taken. I went to the surgery to report this, but haven't had feedback yet.
If the infection progresses...
And I am very, very careful to do housework with disposable gloves on, use antibacterial handwash and gels, and wipes and sprays on possibly contaminated surfaces. Even more so now. Don't want MRSA about the place. (She could have picked it up on the skin in hospital, couldn't she?) I know that staph is one of those things everyone has, but don't want to risk worst case scenarios.
Admission to hospital, now, that's another matter.
Smiles have been exchanged.
Is that wicked?
[ 13. February 2018, 20:07: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
As I posted on the prayer thread, my AP passed away peacefully earlier today, and I'm a bag of mixed emotions at the moment.
My sister (who went up to see him before the end) suggested that I should be thinking about going over before, and that he may be subconsciously "waiting" for me, but logistics made that impossible. I suppose part of me feels a little bit guilty, but I think Dad would have understood - he was always a very practical man.
I don't feel the inclination to mourn: Dad was 93 and for the most part had a very fulfilling, healthy and happy life. I think when my mum died (almost six years ago) he felt that his work was done, and his raison d'être had gone with her.
For the last six months or so, he had very little quality of life, and had said to a friend that he felt as though he was in a waiting-room but had missed the bus.
I'd like to think that he's now in a better place, and enjoying Mum's cooking again.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
I'm very sorry, Piglet.
Mourning can be a strange thing. I looked after my father in his last days. Luckily he wasn't a "difficult relative", clear minded, and matter of fact. Frankly, I was mostly relieved for him that his last months were better than they might have been with metastasized prostate cancer. The intensity of my care for him towards the end seemed to have eaten up most of my later mourning. Perhaps someday my sadness will erupt, but so far no. Or maybe I'm just rather a cold person.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
So sorry Piglet. ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Curiosity killed ...
Ship's Mug
# 11770
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Posted
I get that piglet. I have regrets about one of my grandparents.
I was too young to understand much when my paternal great-grandmother and maternal grandfather died but did meet the former and knew the latter quite well.
The other grandparents were different, I sat with my paternal grandfather the night before he was taken to hospital, walked his dog that night and the rest of that weekend while I was home for the weekend from uni. He died shortly after admission. I visited my maternal grandmother a couple of days before she died and had been visiting her regularly over the last few weeks and months.
But my paternal grandmother, I was told I needed to get there if I wanted to see her alive a day or two before she died, and couldn't organise leave from work, travel down or any of the other things faster than I did - which happened to be the right timing for the funeral. She didn't want to live, she missed my grandfather too much, but it feels hard not saying goodbye in person.
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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat
Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Nurses' advice this morning. To me. Not her.
1. Check her legs tomorrow to see if the infection has spread beyond the pen line drawn this morning, or is darker. If so, call. (A nurse may come in anyway.)
2. Do not remind her when to take her antibiotic, which she told them she wasn't going to take after the first one. If she is non-compliant, she will have to go into hospital, and they know what that will mean here. They think this will be a good solution.
Got back from essential shopping, wondering if I really needed to stockpile quite so many cheap tissues. "Is it time for the next dose?"
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Doh! ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
I didn't really mourn my mother. I was actually rather angry with her. My parents had come here when my sister married, my mother had a stroke right after, and we got her to a clinic for medication and then to hospital. The clot busting drugs cleared it all within about 6 hours. My parents didn't have Canadian medicare coverage (living as immigrants to Mexico) and they refused the follow-up in Canada due to expense (the way it works is they give care and bill after). And they had travel health insurance. The short version is that she had another stroke there, broke her hip, they (or my father) decided not to have the care they could afford (I would have paid without question) and she had complications of various sorts. We knew she was in trouble, but my father refused that we would come. Adamant. We finally got fed up with it all after several weeks and just booked to go, but she died the day before we travelled. We got there to put together a three person funeral. I wanted to throw my father into the water after the ashes (he'd got her cremated within 24 hours). And a decade later, I'm looking after him after he went blind down there. I will probably mourn the both of them when he dies. We expect it within 2018. --I've been terribly embarrassed about how it all happened, which probably seems odd, but that's how it feels. It feels shameful to have parents who did it all so badly. Perhaps that's also a way of mourning.
I loved my in-laws more than my own parents, and mourned them terribly.
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
so sorry, NP
My own father dropped dead of a massive heart attack the day before his 55th birthday, and my mother (left with 2 teenage boys - I was 27) went completely to pieces so it fell to me to make all the arrangements. I never felt as if I mourned him properly.
And when the Dowager dies (she seems fairly indestructible* ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif) ) I expect I shall feel as I put on the prayer thread about Piglet's father, and Uncle Pete.
*I'm only joking a little bit - her medical file is inches thick and I've lost count of the times I've prepared myself to say goodbye.
Mrs. S, praying for all who care for our APs, paid and unpaid
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
D has now been religiously taking the tablets, and the nurses have been and seen that the infection is retreating.
There isn't an emoticon which quite fits....
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Something which conveys "damn, damn, damn!?"
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
D has now been religiously taking the tablets, and the nurses have been and seen that the infection is retreating.
There isn't an emoticon which quite fits....
Which makes me think that she knows exactly what she is doing.
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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Aravis
Shipmate
# 13824
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Posted
Lack of a downstairs toilet wouldn't stop D returning home, Penny. Presumably she would need to accept carers visiting, so if district nurses supply a commode downstairs, the carers can empty it for her. Lots of people manage that way.
Posts: 689 | From: S Wales | Registered: Jun 2008
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
You haven't seen the home. There is also no power. The water needs a plumber. There is no space for the commode. Hoarding. She would also have to pay for the carers.
I am currently wondering which of these two sentences is correct.
She has not formed the intention of returning home.
She has formed the intention of not returning home.
Quite possibly both are true at different times. The person she was before certainly had manipulative tendencies and skills.
Yesterday she was weeping about how she wants to return home, and she loves her home. But the home she wants is back in the 60s or 70s.
She was weeping in reaction to the antibiotic. Which is working, as far as I can see. I wish there wasn't a part of me that wishes that she was right, and it doesn't work. I can feel Screwtape at my shoulder.
[ 18. February 2018, 10:44: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
I don't see that Screwtape has much to do with your own need to be at ease in your own home. He's much more likely to swindle you into thinking that you have to continue to martyr yourself unreasonably, with the resulting feelings of helpless resentment.
D sounds like somebody's job, but is she really yours? If ever there was a case for Social Services, this would seem to be it. All friendships need boundaries, and for our own well-being, we need to set them. The care which seems to be your prime issue is actually self-care.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
Where is D's son in all of this (other than asleep in the next room)? It's about time for him to step up and make whatever arrangements are necessary for HIS mother -- and for you to have your life and your home back.
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
I agree with the above. Bail out, knowing that you have done all that you could. Not all burdens are your burdens.
Consider that your excellent efforts, if continued, might actually deter the son from stepping up, or delay the patient from making the hard decisions that eventually must be made. You may be sprinkling baking soda onto the burning pot on the stove, and meanwhile the roof is afire. It may be time to step back and let the firemen come in with the hoses.
[ 18. February 2018, 13:19: Message edited by: Brenda Clough ]
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
You haven't seen the home. There is also no power ...
No power???
Is that because there never was any ( ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) ) or because she hasn't paid her bill?
Even if her going home isn't an option (and it doesn't look like one), Jacobsen, Pigwidgeon and Brenda are right - you've done more than enough, to the power of 10.
You really need to get D's son to accept that she's his responsibility, even if that responsibility simply means him insisting that the social services people step in and do what they're supposed to do.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
There's a place in the world for the passive-aggressive solution. If you don't want to say this aloud to the son or the hospital or whatever, just absent yourself. Go away for the crucial week to visit a relative, or to another town to see a museum exhibit, or on retreat to someplace. You need not even 'forget' to leave your contact information. Just go, and be unavailable, so sorry, I'm on the other side of the country with Louisa and we're going to go see Black Panther this evening. What are they going to do -- dock your salary? Fire you?
It is entirely possible that, without you there being the crutch, they can learn to hobble along perfectly well.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
Penny S:
The fact is that while you are housing and caring for D she is not a problem for those who should be taking responsibility for her, which is her son and Social Services; so you need a two strand strategy.
First: You must tell Social Services that you cannot house her any more; you are not a blood relative, she has a relative and it is time they stepped up to the plate. God forbid but if she had a stroke (or similar) you would be put into the position of having under your roof someone for whom you couldn't in all conscience act as if you were family.
If you think D's son is going to resist taking some responsibility for his aged parent then tell Social Services that. Rather than try to explain to them about the state of her house, taken them there and let them see the scale of the problem: then ask them what they are going to do about it. You must make it quite clear that while you have her in your home you cannot be round at her place mucking it out.
Above all, make sure Social Services have contact details for the son, have in writing the date on which she is move out and tell them that if they and/or the son haven't made provision for her to go somewhere clean and safe then you will deliver her to their offices.
Second: You tell D's son that you cannot, and will not, house and care for his mother any more and give him a date for her to move out. Make sure it is on a weekday and, if he fails to make proper arrangements for her then take her to the Social Services office.
I know it all sounds ghastly but while you are picking up the pieces there is no need for those who should be worrying about this woman to do so.
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
More simply, Penny, have you told her that you are going to charge her the £1K or so per week that care homes cost? Given how long she's been battening on you, that's quite a sizeable debt!
Mrs. S, not nearly kind enough to be in your position
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
Mrs S, you are devious and cunning ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
Huia
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
But very practical!
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Oh, one does one's poor best ... ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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Brenda Clough
Shipmate
# 18061
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Posted
Delightful. Be sure to produce a -paper- invoice, it puts the fear of Jesus into people. Your Word program has a standard form for invoices, which makes the whole thing look very authoritative. Feel free to back date it to whatever date you find suitable, and add a payment due date, after which a stiffish Late Fee will be applied.
Where are you? I am on the east coast of the US. You can come and visit me if you want to be passive-aggressive. Surely I am far enough away that it would make for an ironclad excuse.
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Science fiction and fantasy writer with a Patreon page
Posts: 6378 | From: Washington DC | Registered: Mar 2014
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Penny, it's time to find out if your friend plans be as good a friend to you as you have been to him and if he will get his head out of the sand and work with you to solve the situation both for his mom's sake and yours. If he won't, first I'd get a lawyer/solicitor to tell you what you can and can't do in this situation. Yeah, it will cost, but I imagine it will be worth it. Tell the lawyer the whole story. Ask all the pertinent questions we have discussed here, including how you register as a care-giver, how much you can charge, and if you can get any payment for services already rendered. I suspect not on that last one since there was no written or even oral contract for payment, but it's worth asking.
Ages ago I questioned how good a friend he could be to transfer his family difficulties to you. You took umbrage: He was a good man, but the poor guy was terribly stressed and badly needed help. He was your friend and as a friend you were going to help him. You have been a very compassionate friend. It will not make you a bad friend or person if you reclaim your life and your space now. I repeat: You have done you're very best to be a good friend and no guilt should accrue now. None.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Ooops. ![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif) Sorry about the "you're" for "your". Doesn't change my point, though.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Penny, if you are in the UK, many solicitors will give you an initial consultation for free. There is also the Citizens' Advice Bureau, which is free. But it all comes down to your decision to cut this Gordian knot. The bottom line is that D is her son's and Social Services' responsibility, not yours.
In any relationship, the ability to say "no," and make it stick, is a necessity, if the relationship is to remain a healthy one for both parties.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
There is no room for a commode in her house? Surely, in all the months that she has been out of the house, her son has been able to tidy up enough to make room for a commode!
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
Indeed, when was she last in her own house? She has been either in hospital or in your house for over a year, has she not? And in that year, her son has not tidied up or cleaned up enough for there to be room for a commode?
Obviously the power and the plumbing are bigger issues, but surely a house which hasn't been cleaned / tidied in a year is in all sorts of risks of vermin and deterioration?
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
I haven't gone into many details, out of concern for privacy and not knowing who might read it.
At this moment she is discussing why she can't go back with the nurses who are writing up notes. "It's going to cost thousands, the whole house needs doing," she has said.
As she is deemed to have capacity, we cannot legally do anything without permission, and certainly the builder wouldn't touch the place. My big mistake was not making sure she signed the very reasonable quote and the cheque for materials before letting her in here again.
While she was in hospital, we could clear a lot of stuff, and sort it, and fit in hospital visits every day, and her son to do some of his work. This was particularly convenient when she was in hospital closer to her home, which is some way away from here, more difficult when she was in one here.
Looking on some compulsive hoarder sites might give you an idea of the amount of time which it takes - and that is usually given by the hoarders who have seen the light and done their own stuff. In the case of doing it for others, there can be serious consequences for the health of the person. And it is, like working on the house, potentially illegal.
We've done damage limitation outside, so the place looks a lot better, and are planning some more today. Currently no evidence of vermin in the place - possibly because we have removed all the out of date food.
But daily plans are tricky. She doesn't sleep at night, and her son has to stay around in case of problems, and because she wants the company, so he gets his sleep in during the morning. When every other day we have to give access to the nurses. It does rather cut down time for travel and house clearance. And the very necessary respite - he gets it much worse than me. And I have to be around to provide lunch and dinner. She manages breakfast herself.)
Believe me, if we could have found the time to have done more, we would. I can only manage an hour or so of sorting before I have to stop. And drive to the dump. But it isn't all rubbish. There are family treasures mixed up with the dreck, and perfectly usable purchases of house cleaning materials and things. It's exhausting. (She's given permission for clearing, but wants to check things. A bit difficult to absent myself to the garage without involving her saying that a particular newspaper is absolutely essential to be kept.)
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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Penny S
Shipmate
# 14768
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Posted
Forgot to say, I am currently using some of my time preparing accounts of expenses for each month to give her, so she knows how much she is costing. One the evidence of previous weekly invoices, there will be no response.
Interesting conversation with the nurses. She has given them the impression that I am happy for her to be here at infinitum.
Given her mood swings and temper tantrums, the consequences of attempting to disabuse her could be dire. I shall have to think very carefully about this.
[ 19. February 2018, 11:21: Message edited by: Penny S ]
Posts: 5833 | Registered: May 2009
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
What a good thing that the nurses talk to you as well, Penny, so that they know how to rate D's statements in relation to you.
You are clearly exhausted, as is D's son. What do the nurses suggest?
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
posted by Penny S quote:
Forgot to say, I am currently using some of my time preparing accounts of expenses for each month to give her, so she knows how much she is costing. One the evidence of previous weekly invoices, there will be no response.
"Knows" is an interesting idea: she has seen but that may be a different thing from accepting it is a cost that she have incurred. I'd suggest that you still produce a basic invoice and give a copy to her son.
quote:
Interesting conversation with the nurses. She has given them the impression that I am happy for her to be here at infinitum.
So, I'd put in writing that the arrangement is not permanent and that you have no authority to decide on things for her, either medically or financially. Maybe discuss this with the son first, but the medical people should be made aware of the true situation and it needs to be on file.
quote:
Given her mood swings and temper tantrums, the consequences of attempting to disabuse her could be dire. I shall have to think very carefully about this.
With the greatest respect, that isn't your concern: discuss with the nurse and son, but if she has a temper tantrum make it quite clear that you'll pack up her and her stuff and take her to social services and leave her there.
As others have pointed out, I know you are doing this to support your friend, but surely a year is quite long enough for him to try to get to grips with the situation? There can be a very line between being a tower-of-strength and a doormat.
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Penny S. You need to get D's son to start doing stuff. He's just dumped his mother problem on you. And don't be afraid of the anger, it's probably just a technique to get you distracted from the issue in hand. Certainly that's what my mother does.
No Prophet How did getting your dad to be sociable go?
I went to see mum today. She was pretty upbeat and I managed to not get drawn into any conversations about stealing. I did point out that the fact that her towels were washed 'wrong' was not because the neighbours had come in and washed them, but because I'd done them while she was in hospital. Sh also made me laugh by going on about how great her sixites were because she didn't have any parents or in-laws to worry about. Yeah, right mum.
She also made an appointment to see her GP, Apparently he said he wanted to see her after her op. Either my brother or I are going to go to and voice our concerns about her growing mental confusion. We haven't mentioned that to her yet.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Aravis
Shipmate
# 13824
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Posted
Penny (and those commenting on your situation): you're right, you don't have authority to clear and sort D's belongings. Nor do you have the time.
Social services' collective hands are tied at the moment, as D is in a safe place in which she wishes to remain, has adequate care, and appears to be able to stay there indefinitely. You saying to them that you're finding it a bit stressful is not sufficient reason for anyone to remove D, particularly against her will.
On the other hand, if you notify social services that you absolutely cannot continue with the current situation and that you are giving D notice to leave your property on a certain date, she wil then have to return to her own home. If this is unsafe for her, alternative accommodation will then have to be found - e.g. an emergency placement in a residential home. This will cost the local authority a lot, and they will then try very much harder to get permission to restore her property to a safe condition so that she can manage at home with carers; or they may look at some permanent arrangement for sheltered accommodation. In any case, she is elderly and vulnerable, and she won't be out on the streets, whatever you do. She will probably have a wonderful time telling everyone in the residential home how unkind you were to throw her out, which will be intensely annoying, but at least you'll have your life back.
If you make this decision, stick to it, put it in writing and don't budge on the date.
Posts: 689 | From: S Wales | Registered: Jun 2008
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Penny, obviously the key thing for you is whether or not you have decided that enough is enough. Maybe you are thinking that you will wait until she is hospitalized to avoid a scene and close down D's options. Okay, but consider that if that is how it plays out, it will be much harder on your friend. He will have the stress of his mother in the hospital and trying to work out her future in a short period of time. If you give them notice politely yet firmly, while D is in reasonable health, they will have some time to adjust to the idea and make sensible arrangements.
How to give notice and where social services lands in this is the stuff that legal advice can help you sort out. Like how much notice do you need to give? What do you do next if she doesn't leave? You said that she can't get into a taxi, so they might need to arrange medical transport to wherever her destination is. Your friend might feel rather lost in it all. Feel free to give him moral support, help him with some (but not all) of the research on solutions, but my advice is to in no case back down from your insistence that she must be moved out by a certain date. Let D and her son decide how they want to handle it.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Curiosity killed ...
Ship's Mug
# 11770
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
You haven't seen the home. There is also no power ...
No power???
Is that because there never was any ( ) or because she hasn't paid her bill?
I suspect the lack of power is explained in this post from October 2016.
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Mugs - Keep the Ship afloat
Posts: 13794 | From: outiside the outer ring road | Registered: Aug 2006
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Penny S - I keep tabs on this thread hoping that there has been some movement in a hopeful direction. Still rooting for you and your sense of self-preservation.
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
Penny S - How are things now? Any luck with social services or any other agencies in moving things forward.
I hope everyone else's Aging Ps are doing well. We're on the final countdown to the big 90th birthday bash on Saturday for my mother. Of course the weather is trying to replciate the conditions of the day she was born ('It was snowing') which is causing her to panic about people getting there.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
I just hope Penny S isn't feeling dog-piled with our advice given with all the good will in the world.
Penny, we know everything you have done has been because you are a kind person. We just want you to have room in your life for yourself again. You deserve that.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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The Intrepid Mrs S
Shipmate
# 17002
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Posted
Sarasa, I'd done a heap of rearranging so I could go down to the Dowager's care home for the 'residents and relatives' meeting on Wednesday. Given the state of the weather forecast for the West Country that day, I don't think I shall be going! Praying that your Mum's birthday bash goes well
The trip would also have allowed us to take another car-load of our son's possessions and dump them in her garage - he should have been in his own house by now, alas, and we sure as hell aren't taking them with us!
As for the Dowager herself, she is getting over her chest infection and I am SO relieved I haven't had to be the one getting her to take antibiotics, stay indoors in the warm and use an inhaler
A propos of what NEQ said above - I suggest that she might like some pictures in her room. She shrugs dismissively. My son - Golden Boy - says 'Grandma, you could have some of your lovely pictures in here' and she says 'Oh what a good idea'. Where's the emoticon that says Grrrr?
A friend of long standing has just lost her mother, at 96 - I've just found how hard it is to write a sincere note of condolence on such an occasion, knowing what she and her sister went through with their AP!
Mrs. S, claiming copyright on her letters of sympathy!
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Don't get your knickers in a twist over your advancing age. It achieves nothing and makes you walk funny.
Prayer should be our first recourse, not our last resort
'Lord, please give us patience. NOW!'
Posts: 1464 | From: Neither here nor there | Registered: Mar 2012
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
I am increasingly impressed with everyone's patience with their APs. I'm visiting mine tomorrow, by train, and tonight I had a panicking call from my mother claiming that there would be blizzards and traffic disruption tomorrow. I was fairly sure that the bad weather isn't due to reach us till later in the week, but Mum was adamant that it been on tonight's news. I checked BBC weather online whilst I was on the phone to her and could see no blizzard warning. Anyway, I've agreed that I will phone before I set off and will report in a couple of times whilst en route tomorrow to reassure Mum.
After I came off the phone it occurred to me that the news might have warned of blizzards in "the north east", meaning north east England, but Mum took it to mean north east Scotland.
It's such a minor thing, but I'm not happy that my visit is stressing Mum out. On the other hand, if I cancel and there is no snow, she'll be disappointed.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
Mum woke me yesterday with an early phone call about the weather,and said that
a) if I came through she would be terribly worried but that
b) if I didn't come through she would be terribly disappointed. ![[brick wall]](graemlins/brick_wall.gif)
Given that the weather forecast looked quite balmy to me I went through and had a lovely visit. We even had sunshine!
As forecast, it is snowing here now.
I'm fairly sure that Mum had heard a forecast for the north east of England and misunderstood what was meant by "the north east."
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Sarasa
Shipmate
# 12271
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Posted
I was wondering if you got there NEQ. Glad you made it and had a good time. We have a bit of little bit snow here and I'm hoping that the transport isn't mucked up as I'm off to mums to take her to a hospital appointment. She's been stuck indoors for the last couple of days because of the weather and the lift at her flats breaking She can manage stairs but with her extremely poor eyesight its a bit tricky without help.
I'm getting a bit concerned about how many people are going to make her party on Saturday. Although not snowing on the day (yet) there appears we might have a lot of snow on Friday and I can imagine her friends not wanting to go out. Bugger.
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'I guess things didn't go so well tonight, but I'm trying. Lord, I'm trying.' Charlie (Harvey Keitel) in Mean Streets.
Posts: 2035 | From: London | Registered: Jan 2007
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jacobsen
seeker
# 14998
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Posted
Wishing the snow away for your mum's party, Sarasa. Or that her friends are all toughies who will say to hell with the weather. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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But God, holding a candle, looks for all who wander, all who search. - Shifra Alon
Beauty fades, dumb is forever-Judge Judy
The man who made time, made plenty.
Posts: 8040 | From: Æbleskiver country | Registered: Aug 2009
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