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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: PTSD
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BessLane
Shipmate
# 15176
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Posted
After far too many years, I recently decided that the way I felt in my head, and the way I reacted with the rest of the world could not possibly be normal or healthy. With much fear and angst, I started seeing a therapist and am sitting here today with a bright shiny new diagnosis of PTSD.
Since I've never been in combat, nor have I been a police officer or fireman, or any of the other professions I associate with fokls who get PTSD, this came as a bit (although tbh, not much) of a shock. However, it does help explain the nightmares, problems sleeping, free-floating anger, inability to get close to people or express emotion, hybervigilance, and the other laundry list of symptoms that I thought were just how most people felt but were better at hiding than I am.
It's nice to have a name for what I feel. It's also scary as heck. I've got a good therapist, I'm open to the idea of using psychopharmaceuticals if need be. I'm ready to feel better but I'm still scared as all get out. I know there is going to be a fair amount of pain involved.
So, I guess the reason I'm posting this is to ask if anyone else aboard has/had/has experience with PTSD. PMs are fine, since this is a public place. I guess I just need to hear that this will get better and that maybe someday I won't feel the way I do most of the time. If that makes any sense at all.
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It's all on me and I won't tell it.
formerly BessHiggs
Posts: 1388 | From: Yorkville, TN | Registered: Sep 2009
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Pigwidgeon
Ship's Owl
# 10192
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Posted
I've had no experience with this, but ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
I truly pray that all the hard work you face will lead to a wonderful life.
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"...that is generally a matter for Pigwidgeon, several other consenting adults, a bottle of cheap Gin and the odd giraffe."
~Tortuf
Posts: 9835 | From: Hogwarts | Registered: Aug 2005
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
To my knowledge there are several shipmates with Anxiety diagnoses and at least one with PTSD.
I am one of those with Anxiety (but don't ask me which as I have only seen a GP over it and the medication he prescribe has been enough for me to handle it). I can relate to some symptoms to others I do so less.
Among the things that helped:
- Friends who knew why I was as I was, this is not just acceptance, they allow me to talk myself out when I get totally worked up, provide no hassle friendship and back my "No I can't" statements
- medication
- mindfulness
- The guy who trusted me to handle my illness, rather than trying to help.
- practice of gratitude
- Postmodernism - yes seriously it allowed me to stop trying to make sense of things.
- realising I am easily sensorily over stimulated and making sure I have quiet.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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saysay
Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645
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Posted
It will get better and someday you won't feel the way you do now most of the time.
I'm not sure what else to say at the moment; I'll probably come up with more later.
Try to keep in mind that as scary facing some of your memories and feelings may be, it's actually scarier to be afraid of nothing (or perfectly commonplace non-threatening things) all the frickin time.
It's also a bit like mourning. It's not linear; it's not like someone dies and you feel horrible and each day you feel a little bit better until finally you feel 'normal' (whatever that is). Sometimes it comes in waves, such that as you feel more comfortable wading a bit further out into the ocean, you may also find yourself getting knocked back underwater.
If you're anything like me, most of the people who you have chosen to have in your life will try to understand and as you identify triggers and ask them to avoid saying or doing things (at least temporarily) to help you heal, they will make a good faith attempt to do so.
Unfortunately, you will also likely encounter some people (and for me these are frequently relatives) who, upon hearing the specific things that are likely to reduce you to crying and rocking in the corner, will deliberately do those things. I don't know what to say about those people; I used to try to work with them, hoping they might come to understand the problem as they were constantly telling me that they were trying to help me and only wanted what was best for me. As of this moment, I've cut most of them out of my life (some for the time being, some perhaps permanently as I've found no way to justify some of their recent actions).
There are few things better than a decent night's sleep free from nightmares - except perhaps bunches of them all in a row (one of my symptoms at any rate).
When something happens to you (or someone does something to you), you frequently react in certain ways that are not entirely your fault. However, if you don't deal with it in appropriate ways, at a certain point you are the f***wit causing problems for other people. It can be difficult for anyone (including yourself) to draw the line in terms of where exactly you turn into that f***wit, but if you let the f***wits turn you into one of them, it means they've won.
The f***wits don't win. In the end, the f***wits don't win, evil doesn't win, G-d wins. G-d always wins, however hard and painful the game may be, however many injuries the players may sustain.
That's all I've got for now (it's the kind of thing that might have been helpful to me at one point, so I hope it's helpful - or at least neutral - to you).
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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."
Posts: 2943 | From: The Wire | Registered: May 2004
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St Everild
Shipmate
# 3626
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Posted
Thank you SaySay - I needed to hear that. Your comment re f***wits is worthy of the quotes file, and it is certainly going in my private quotes file.
Posts: 1782 | From: Bethnei | Registered: Dec 2002
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Jahlove
Tied to the mast
# 10290
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Posted
Hi Bess
I can identify with what you say. I was fortunate enough, some years back, that my psychotherapeutic counsellor referred me to a practitioner of EMDR
Some use finger waving in front of your eyes (that made me feel seasick), some use hand-tapping (worked better for me). Point of this therapy is to *see* the scene and MOVE ON (the therapist doesn't even have to know the details of the trauma - just that the scene is moving). Some are not helped by this and will flip it off - all I can say is that if you ARE susceptible to this therapy it's like feckin' MAGIC. I liken it to having a filing cabinet stuffed full of files and every time you open it, one particular file jumps out - tho you actually want a different file -that one keeps popping up. EMDR helped me get my mental *filing system* back in order - yes, the file is still there, but it doesn't pop up every time I open the cabinet.
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“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.” - Mark Twain
Posts: 6477 | From: Alice's Restaurant (UK Franchise) | Registered: Sep 2005
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JoannaP
Shipmate
# 4493
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Posted
Jahlove,
I'm glad that EMDR worked for you but when his therapist tried it with my husband, he reacted very well in the sessions but then badly afterwards, so my (very biased) advice is to treat it with caution.
Joanna
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"Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow." R. H. Tawney (quoted by Isaiah Berlin)
"Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Benjamin Franklin
Posts: 1877 | From: England | Registered: May 2003
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Squirrel
Shipmate
# 3040
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Posted
I'm also glad EMDR worked for somebody. But when I tried it to help deal with some unpleasant memories it had no effect whatsoever.
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"The moral is to the physical as three is to one."
- Napoleon
"Five to one."
- George S. Patton
Posts: 1014 | From: Gotham City - Brain of the Great Satan | Registered: Jul 2002
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
I had a therapist try to talk me into EMDR, but nothing ever came of it.
I have tow after effects of PTSD (child-abuse related) That really fuck me over in life:
1. Noise sensitivity.
Especially as a student, this really makes my life hell- I basically have to wait until about midnight to study, when I am sure my mother is asleep. I just don't know how to block stuff out, and having given some "mindful attentiveness" to the problem, I think it's really a matter of a compulsive need in me to hear what's coming, whether it be in footsteps or in a conversation.
2. Flashbacks.
I have had to warn people that this will happen, and the fact that I still live int he house I grew up in makes things "fun." Something will trigger my memory,and I will just be back there, experiencing all the feelings. It's hard to pull out.
Number two I have sorted out somewhat-- it will just take effort. When I write about the incident-- and really write, not just a scribbly journal thing, but a proper story, beginning to end-- then the incident simply becomes a memory. I car remember everything that happened, but it's just a memory, i can access it if need be and discard it if not. It's like by writing it out, I consign it to text forever.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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Spike
Mostly Harmless
# 36
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Posted
PTSD? EDMR? Any chance of an explanation for the unenlightened?
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"May you get to heaven before the devil knows you're dead" - Irish blessing
Posts: 12860 | From: The Valley of Crocuses | Registered: May 2001
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
EMDR - Eye Movement Desentistation and Reprocessing.
Jengie
[ 14. October 2012, 07:48: Message edited by: Jengie Jon ]
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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BessLane
Shipmate
# 15176
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Posted
Oops, sorry for not spelling out the acronym. ![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif)
Thanks so much to everyone for the insights. I guess one of the big sticking points for me about this diagnosis is that I have a good friend who also has PTSD, but he earned his diagnosis in Nam. Part of me feels like a big baby for letting something like a crappy childhood (OK, a Very Very Crappy Childhood) mess me up. The part of me that likes to use inappropriate humor wants to say "See, it really is all my parents' fault". But that's always been my problem, I don't want to admit that I'm not in control of my feelings and my reactions. I don't want to ask for help. I've always been a fix it your self or stop whining kind of person. I realize I can't fix this myself, but I feel a bit of a failure because I can't. I've obviously got a long road ahead of me.
Anyway, just thanks. It really helps to know that I'm not the only one out there floundering around.
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It's all on me and I won't tell it.
formerly BessHiggs
Posts: 1388 | From: Yorkville, TN | Registered: Sep 2009
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
Ah the old chestnut, we do not say to someone with a broken leg, "your leg can't be broken because you just slipped on a patch of ice, you need to be in a car crash" do we? I think you probably also need to accept that there are levels of ptsd , just as someone who broke their leg on an icy patch is likely to be less mangled than someone who did it in a car crash. I say "likely" because there are just so many other factors in play it is hard to say in any individual case.
I wonder how much desire for control of emotion has to do with the illness. I say this as someone who likes to be in control of my emotions and dislikes intensely being out of control. I know I to a certain extent had it before but it has got stronger since.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
I have PTSD, multiple causes. It gets better. THANK GOD IT GETS BETTER. And it will for you, too.
It helps if you can be patient and gentle with yourself, just as you would be with somebody else not yourself (if you know what I mean).
The shakes, the flashbacks, the intrusive memories--those have mostly gone away. In times of high stress for any reason they can resurface, but then they go away again.
The hypervigilance and the exaggerated startle reaction are still with me years later, but that could be because I keep having major stress events that reactivate the problem (latest was bullying boss, who was Dealt With™ in June; I'm already mostly not jumping when people walk up behind me.).
A crappy crappy childhood is a classic cause of PTSD, there are probably more people out there with that cause than with war related stuff. At least in the western world.
You can also have complex PTSD, where more than one event/issue is feeding into the problem. Looking in the mirror now...
It gets much, much better. Be patient. One thing I found that helped me during the shakes was just to get someone who loved me and have them hold me until the shaking stopped.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
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Posted
Sending warmth to all posting.
Yes, I have a mild case, yes I thought it was normal, Yes it was a huge step forward when my therapist said 'you were traumatised by your childhood' It's very hard to move on from something unacknowledged.
I need anti-anxiety tablets, and sleeping pills to be sure of no dramatic nightmares.
I am much better, thank God. After years of therapy in one form or another, there has been much more significant progress in becoming unstuck since I had that acknowledgement, and felt properly furious with my childhood circumstances. That took about a year plus.
Good luck, keep breathing in and out, and never be ashamed of what is.
As LC says, never underestimate the power of being held by someone who cares.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
Unfortunately for me a major trigger is being held by someone who claims to care*. Yes that hurts. I hate the way because of the way my abuse was perpetrated all the assumed things that might help are often triggers.
We are all different.
Jengie
* Rationally I can accept they care, emotionally it is a whole different story.
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
Back to my blog
Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
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Posted
I'm so sorry Jengie, I didn't mean to generalise. Yes, of course.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Triggers are different, and people are different. I realized about myself that I need physical touch. Even a mound of heavy blankets is better than nothing. But YMMV and all that.
Whatever you find that helps, keep it.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Martin60
Shipmate
# 368
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Posted
Wow. God bless all here. I've only been thinking recently that my intrusive thoughts are due to self-inflicted trauma i.e. PTSD. I sent a massive post to Esmerelda to join Not Drowning But Waving. I'll read up on it, see how I 'score'.
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Love wins
Posts: 17586 | From: Never Dobunni after all. Corieltauvi after all. Just moved to the capital. | Registered: Jun 2001
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Horatio Harumph
Shipmate
# 10855
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Posted
I have had EMDR.
I stopped midway through, and wish I hadn't really.
Am contemplating at the moment actually whether restarting it is an option. It seemed to be helpful.
I have some friends who work in that field who highly recommend it including one who is EMDR trained and uses it in his work. I guess they are biased.
My experience has been positive, but as has been already posted on here, I think it seems to be hit and miss.
I know other people who have had it, and its been brilliant for them, I know people who have had it and it have no effect on them whatsoever.
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www.helenblogs.com
@helen_a13
Chocolate is proof that God wants us to be happy.
Posts: 2857 | Registered: Jan 2006
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Amorya
Ship's tame galoot
# 2652
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by BessHiggs:
I have a good friend who also has PTSD, but he earned his diagnosis in Nam. Part of me feels like a big baby for letting something like a crappy childhood (OK, a Very Very Crappy Childhood) mess me up.
I had a counsellor diagnose me with PTSD from being involved in an amateur Gilbert & Sullivan production. I think crappy childhood wins on the justification scale ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
(The play was three years ago and I haven't managed to feel safe and secure since. Probably it was just the trigger moment for a bunch of other life stuff, but it's still hellish to remember.)
Posts: 2383 | From: Coventry | Registered: Apr 2002
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Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
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Posted
this is a good article. definitions and prevention and medication - the section on showing people what to expect in 'Risk Targeted Interventions' is telling, as is the statistics - women compared to men. Although, samples and truth are always variable.
It's worth reading the whole article I think.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
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saysay
Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Whatever you find that helps, keep it.
And on the subject of 'complex causes' and 'weird things sometimes help and YMMV': I frequently carry around a bullet.
It was given to me by a military bud quoting Firefly ('Everybody dies. Someone's carryin' a bullet for you right now, doesn't even know it. The trick is, die of old age before it finds you.') He told me that was the bullet with my name on it. Completely irrational, but it makes me feel better/ less afraid when people are overly threatening.
Like Lamb Chopped said about herself, I'd say that while a lot of things get better, there's still the reality that it's easier to send me back to a state of hypervigilance/ exaggerated startle response than it is to send most other people there, which is a pain.
And on the subject of feeling like a baby for letting a crappy childhood mess you up: the damage done by those people you're supposed to be able to trust (and who almost everyone keeps telling you you should trust) is frequently worse than the damage done by people you've identified as (potential) enemies. FWIW.
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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."
Posts: 2943 | From: The Wire | Registered: May 2004
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
I'm having a reactivation right now as a result of my husband (justifiedly) wanting to quit one of his jobs.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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PerkyEars
slightly distracted
# 9577
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Posted
I also have a mild case, from a crappy childhood.
I no longer duck an incoming blow when people move at the wrong angle. I still get increased heart rate when I'm lying in bed and hear footsteps on the stairs, even when I KNOW it's a safe person. The constant free floating anger, and inability to be present in the moment due to draining ruminations on the past and the f*ckwits is something that is only now, approaching 40, starting to be dealt with. My inability to understand that it's ok for me to be happy and safe means I also get health anxiety and obsessive fears of death whenever things are going well.
Therapy and trying to emotionally 'work through' what happened have not helped me. Safe, healthy relationships and time have, slowly. What has also helped me massively in the last year or so are the following two things:
1) looking after my physical body. Anxiety is physical as well as mental. It overdoses your body with stress hormones on a chronic basis and changes the way we use and absorb nutrients. Working out has helped and I feel the difference in my anxiety levels when I don't bother. Making sure I eat a healthy, nutrient-rich diet that works for me is also important. These are not trivial issues but affect the ability of the body and brain to heal from trauma ISTM.
2) NO contact with the f*wits. I'd wittled it down to low contact over the years but it hadn't fundamentally changed anything. It just kept the low-level problems rumbling on. It was a healing revelation to me to understand that noone has ANY obligation to see anyone else - whatever their familial relationship, whatever their protestations, even if there are grandchildren involved. No contact means I've taken power over the situation and finally made a free choice based on my needs and not on guilt and emotional manipulation. It's not easy, and it leads to heightened levels of anxiety in the beginning, but the free-floating anger is now finally (!) going as I realise I DO have control now. I may get back in contact but only when I'm good and healed.
quote:
The f***wits don't win. In the end, the f***wits don't win, evil doesn't win, G-d wins. G-d always wins, however hard and painful the game may be, however many injuries the players may sustain.
This is wonderful.
quote:
I had a counsellor diagnose me with PTSD from being involved in an amateur Gilbert & Sullivan production.
Years ago I was in a roleplaying game that seriously messed with the mental health of everyone in it so I do relate.
Posts: 532 | From: Bristol | Registered: May 2005
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Amorya
Ship's tame galoot
# 2652
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by PerkyEars:
quote:
I had a counsellor diagnose me with PTSD from being involved in an amateur Gilbert & Sullivan production.
Years ago I was in a roleplaying game that seriously messed with the mental health of everyone in it so I do relate.
I was the producer of the show, and took "the show must go on" seriously. It bloody well did go on, despite loads of adversity, and I came in within £10 of my approved budget. Sadly we lost money due to lower than expected audience numbers, and the straw that broke the camel's back was having a grilling by the officers of the Students' Union who gave me a hard time for changing what I spent money on — i.e. for reducing spending on stuff when I encountered an unforeseen cost on other stuff! I have never wanted to punch someone in the face more.
We managed a five-venue touring production that scaled from village halls to nightclubs to a theatre, with a production team of 5 people, three of whom were also in the cast. I built the set, painted life-size portraits of three chorus members, trekked round Birmingham by myself to go to costume hire places (and carried the costumes home on the bus), designed, printed, and then walked around door-to-door distributing thousands of flyers, video recorded every rehearsal and made DVDs for the cast to help them learn their moves, plotted diagrams in Powerpoint of where everyone stood in the finale, played the piano in any rehearsal our MD couldn't make, liaised with performance rights people about our proposed amendments, bought a lighting desk and a bunch of equipment to pull off a few special effects we wanted, designed hoodies for the cast and had them printed up, sat there in auditions along with the director in order to offer my advice, organised fresh flowers on the day of every performance, went off to a tech hire shop at the last minute when we needed a strobe light, rewired said strobe light to take a 13A plug when one venue had no spare 15A sockets, booked rehearsal rooms and transport to the venues, made posters, led warm-ups, hired a suit of armour and organised getting it sent down from Manchester, hunted round Primark in two cities to find the perfect set of dresses for our female chorus, and also found time to learn one principal part and one chorus role (the doubling of which caused me to have a 16 bar costume change at one point in the show). I reiterate, £10 within my original budget estimate! Cunts.
Posts: 2383 | From: Coventry | Registered: Apr 2002
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saysay
Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645
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Posted
Gah. As a result of the recent unpleasantness,* I'm having trouble identifying what my triggers even are at this point. I was hoping things might settle enough that I would be able to identify and work through them (as has happened in the past), but as it is I'm finding it difficult to know whether going to the park is going to make me feel better (exercise) or worse (panic/ crying due to crazy lying prosecutors).
I'm actually doing really well considering, although I can't get rid of my sense of foreboding, especially since people keep telling me weird things about how much time I have left/ speculating about my death. I don't know if the information is coming from one particular person who has developed a bizarre hatred of me or not, and not knowing (and not being able to find out) is frustrating.
*I'm not trying to be deliberately vague and passive-aggressive; I honestly have no idea what actually happened as it seems a lot of people were acting based on rumors or lies that I don't even know about, which makes making sense of the situation difficult, which is itself a trigger for me - that people are going to suddenly and randomly behave in extremely violent ways without reason or warning...
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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."
Posts: 2943 | From: The Wire | Registered: May 2004
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