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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Children Attending Funerals: How old is old enough?
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Ruudy
Shipmate
# 3939
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Posted
Thursday night will be the funeral of the godfather of my youngest son. The casket will be open during the funeral and attendees usually pass by the casket to pay their last respects.
I was planning on bringing my somewhat mature 5- and 7-year olds but not their 3- and 4-year old brothers. As a family we have prayed diligently for the reposed for many months.
Many of you are clergy or work with kids and have views on this sort of thing. At what age are children old enough to attend? For those old enough to attend, any thoughts on how best to prepare them?
[If this thread should be on another board, my apologies].
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The shipmate formerly known as Goar.
Posts: 1360 | From: Gatorland | Registered: Jan 2003
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Olaf
Shipmate
# 11804
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Posted
Being related to church and funeral home employees, I attended funerals from an early age, and it didn't exactly make me Goth, Emo, or abnormally obsessed with death, although I can pull off skinny jeans when fashion dictates.
I don't think you have to worry about shielding them from death and mourning. You'll have to discuss it sooner rather than later. My biggest concern would not be for the kids but for the others in attendance: while the Sunday service is usually tolerant of misbehaving children, funeral attendees [and weddings too] are generally less so. My mother would seat us near or in the back row, with easy chance for escape if need be. We never needed it.
[ 08. October 2012, 19:12: Message edited by: Olaf ]
Posts: 8953 | From: Ad Midwestem | Registered: Sep 2006
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
FWIW I was variously 9 and 10 when my maternal grandmother and step-father died. For both we went to see them laid out at the chapel of rest.
I found it helpful, so that when we went to the crematorium, I could remind myself that they were definitely dead - I had seen that - when the coffin went through the curtain.
It was distressing though, and I can't stand the colour (some type of salmon pink) that the the coffins were lined with.
I probably wouldn't take a child under 7. Older than that would probably depend on how well I thought they could understand death.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379
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Posted
In most cultures, death is a familiar part of life. Here we hide it. Why?
Bring the kids. As someone else said, give them a way to escape when they are ready to leave.
Posts: 5830 | From: Texas | Registered: Jan 2008
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
I am not sure that something happens to children a lot in other cultures is a good argument - you could say the same about child mortality, being beaten with a stick or having to go to work before the age of 10.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Nicolemr
Shipmate
# 28
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Posted
I did not go to the funeral of my grandmother when she died. I was 10 I think. I didn't want to attend at the time and my parents allowed me to stay away. I have regretted it ever since.
I think although a child should never be forced to attend a funeral, they should always be encouraged to attend. Especially if it's someone they will remember in later years.
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Posts: 11803 | From: New York City "The City Carries On" | Registered: May 2001
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lily pad
Shipmate
# 11456
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Posted
Sorry for your loss.
Is there a nursery or side chapel available during the funeral? I've often been the one designated to play with small children during a funeral. Sometimes they need to go out, sometimes they are fine to stay in. It seems having an option can make a big difference for everyone.
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Sloppiness is not caring. Fussiness is caring about the wrong things. With thanks to Adeodatus!
Posts: 2468 | From: Truly Canadian | Registered: May 2006
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
I would make a distinction - when thinking about the age of the children - between attending the funeral and seeing the body.
The compromise when we were little, was not to go to our great grandmother's funeral but to attend the wake afterwards with the rest of the family.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Edith
Shipmate
# 16978
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Posted
I remember teaching a class of eleven years olds about twenty years ago when the Nanna of one of my pupils died. My pupil was not allowed to attend the funeral 'to spare her as she was so fond of her Nanna' . All morning she was convulsed with sobs, and in the end I stopped lessons and held a little service in the classroom (it was a Catholic school) and we said prayers and sang a hymn or two and gave her the opportunity to talk about her Nanna.
I explained to her parents about what we had done and they were devastated that she had felt so excluded, they thought what they did was for the best. So, whatever you decide, make sure the children don't feel excluded or sidelined.
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Edith
Posts: 256 | From: UK | Registered: Mar 2012
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Ruudy
Shipmate
# 3939
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Olaf:
My biggest concern would not be for the kids but for the others in attendance: while the Sunday service is usually tolerant of misbehaving children, funeral attendees [and weddings too] are generally less so.
quote:
Originally posted by lily pad:
Is there a nursery or side chapel available during the funeral?
These are very valid concerns. The church is our own eastern Orthodox church, which in this case means no pews and the ability to come and go as needed. The Rudlets are used to hour and a half old-school liturgies where silence is expected. We step outside for fresh air and sunshine as needed.
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The shipmate formerly known as Goar.
Posts: 1360 | From: Gatorland | Registered: Jan 2003
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Rowen
Shipmate
# 1194
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Posted
As a minister, I can only but agree with the above.
Let the children go.
Beforehand, tell them what it will be like.
Let the celebrant know that children will be present... If I know that, I will tell them something, in the service, just for them.
Talk about it afterwards.
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"May I live this day… compassionate of heart" (John O’Donoghue)...
Posts: 4897 | From: Somewhere cold in Victoria, Australia | Registered: Aug 2001
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Ruudy
Shipmate
# 3939
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
I would make a distinction - when thinking about the age of the children - between attending the funeral and seeing the body.
This resonates with me but I am not sure why. In our tradition the casket is open at the funeral. The next day will be the memorial liturgy, but not the funeral.
I would like my children to be exposed to death. I would like them to learn that this is how this life ends, and that we believe in the Resurrection and the general resurrection. Even more importantly, we are close to the reposed and his family. His children are similarly aged and friends with the Rudlets.
I know there is no one size fits all when addressing such questions, so I am pleased to hear your general thoughts/experience on the matter.
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The shipmate formerly known as Goar.
Posts: 1360 | From: Gatorland | Registered: Jan 2003
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
When I was a child I frequently attended funerals for my extended family in my town. Out of town was a different matter. Because of lack of money, we were used to our parents going off alone to those funerals.
I hated them, but as I grew older, I learnt that it was important that I be there, and that it wasn't about me or my feelings.
I do think, however, that I was at least 8 before I attended a funeral mass. But that might have been, as I think on it, because of no funerals locally in my family.
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Even more so than I was before
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Trudy Scrumptious
BBE Shieldmaiden
# 5647
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Posted
I took my kids at ages 4 and 6 to the funeral of their grandmother (my mother-in-law). I considered leaving them at home but they both understood what was going on; we'd talked about it a lot and they seemed able to handle it. I think it does give a nice sense of closure where possible. I did not bring them to the funeral home where there was an open casket though, just to the service at the church.
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cliffdweller
Shipmate
# 13338
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by lily pad:
Sorry for your loss.
Is there a nursery or side chapel available during the funeral? I've often been the one designated to play with small children during a funeral. Sometimes they need to go out, sometimes they are fine to stay in. It seems having an option can make a big difference for everyone.
spot on I think.
Those of us who work closely with death and dying know that people grieve in many different ways-- and that applies to children as well. It is important to respect that and allow people to grieve differently. That individual difference is more at play here than the age of the child per se. The only complicator is that with an adult there is a greater likelihood that they will be self-aware enough to know what they need (although many are not), where children often aren't-- they look to you for cues as to what they are supposed to say/do/feel. At the same time, if you are grieving, you have your own stuff to process and may not be as attentive even as a parent as you normally would be.
I have found it helpful to have someone close to the child who won't be as directly impacted by the death there to be with the child-- an adult friend of the family or relative from the other side of the family, etc. Let the child know that it's OK to grieve, and give her a range of acceptable options-- including a space s/he can go to leave the service if desired. Ask the adult friend to be available to take him/her to another room or outside to run around, talk, color, whatever s/he would like.
Being able to make the choice themselves is key, and a good learning opportunity in self-care. S/he may even want to pack a small "comfort kit" with things like tissues, a stuffed animal or other beloved toy, crayons and coloring book, maybe a remembrance of the loved one, etc.
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"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner
Posts: 11242 | From: a small canyon overlooking the city | Registered: Jan 2008
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Zacchaeus
Shipmate
# 14454
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Posted
I think a lot depends on how well the children knew the deceased.
For instance we took ours to the funeral of one granddad, who they were very close to, but we didn’t take them to the funeral of the other who was distant to them. A relative of mine who as a child, was not allowed to go to a close relative’s funeral because they were thought too young, never forgave their family.
Children know when something sad has happened, you can’t protect them from it and they have the same need to let go of that sadness as adults do. They also have the same need to say goodbye as adults do
Posts: 1905 | From: the back of beyond | Registered: Jan 2009
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QLib
Bad Example
# 43
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Posted
When my father died - at a good age, and affter several weeks of illness - when my children were 6 and 4. They came to the funeral, which was Orthodox. I think I'd known that the coffin would be open, but hadn't realised that the church was so small that we would be standing right up against it.
I'd hesitate to recommend that experience to anybody, but - 20 years on - they have fairly positive memories of the day. They certainly had no qualms about later seeing the coffin being lowered into the earth.
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Tradition is the handing down of the flame, not the worship of the ashes Gustav Mahler.
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
My son has gone from birth onwards, being a pastor's kid, and most of those were open coffin. We figured that the younger he started, the less chance he would have to develop the major fear I had when I didn't go to one until I was in my midteens. It seems to have worked--none of us enjoy attending, but there are no nightmares or bad aftereffects on the little guy either.
We did give him ample opportunity to ask questions both beforehand and afterward, and we had one designated parent (me) who basically did nothing but made sure that his needs were attended to. We never had any problems with his behavior (just the usual business of kids seeing one another and wanting to play with one another after being there for quite a while at the visitation--we parents took them out in the hall or another room to spare the disruption).
It seems to me that they take their cues from you. If you say it's okay to be sad, they'll believe you, and not be surprised to see you looking sad. If you say "Everybody's sad because we miss Grandma, but she's with God now, and we'll see her again some day," they accept that. And get on with their little-kid lives. They aren't likely to freak out unless you do.
[ 08. October 2012, 21:31: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
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Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Jengie jon
Semper Reformanda
# 273
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Posted
My family of necessity is almost the other extreme. Of my Grandparents I have attended exactly one and a half funerals (my sister and I were sent home to prepare the tea between the funeral service and the cremation for my Grandfather's funeral, we were about 21 and 18 and no I am not making this up).
That said my mother did not attend the funeral of either of her parents, nor of either of her brothers. I did not attend my great grandmothers funeral (actually Gran didn't either although Grandpa and Dad did, it was Gran's mother who died). Funerals are low key affairs, cremations even lower and what we do with the ashes is nobody concern. If anything matters it is a memorial service but even that is low key. I think Mum only attended Great Auntie Edie funeral last year because Dad was not happy leaving her at home.
Alright I said of necessity, the driving force is the habit of continent hopping every other generation and family quarrels which makes complex rites difficult to maintain. We are pragmatic, other practices replace the rites. The need to know the circumstance of death, to talk of the deceased etc.
Even so I would say if the children want to go to the funeral let them. The most damaging thing is if they feel excluded.
Jengie
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"To violate a persons ability to distinguish fact from fantasy is the epistemological equivalent of rape." Noretta Koertge
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Posts: 20894 | From: city of steel, butterflies and rainbows | Registered: May 2001
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bib
Shipmate
# 13074
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Posted
When my mother died her young grandchildren didn't attend the cremation but certainly were included and participated in her memorial service. I have never understood the open coffin other than for private viewing and would certainly not expose young children to that.
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"My Lord, my Life, my Way, my End, accept the praise I bring"
Posts: 1307 | From: Australia | Registered: Oct 2007
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Squirrel
Shipmate
# 3040
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Posted
Much seems to depend upon what will be going on at the funeral. Will it be very emotional, or sedate?
My brother and I dealt well with our grandfather's funeral when we were about 8 and 7. But this was a very quiet event. A few years later we went to a funeral where many people were from an old-fashioned Sicilian family. The husband of the deceased was wailing out loud, and at one point threw himself on the floor. Were my brother and I upset by this? Hell, no! We thought it was the funniest thing we ever saw, and promptly started imitating his behavior. Fortunately my father immediately lured us outside with an offer of ice cream before the bereft family could be more offended.
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"Five to one."
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Posts: 1014 | From: Gotham City - Brain of the Great Satan | Registered: Jul 2002
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ExclamationMark
Shipmate
# 14715
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Posted
It's a matter of choice and family discussion. I always encourage familis to talk it through and give them the choice rather than conform to social norms. I will explain the importance of shared grief but they know the leevl of maturity of their children.
My own grandchilden went to my mother's funeral when they were aged 3 (granddaughter) and 3 days (grandson).
Posts: 3845 | From: A new Jerusalem | Registered: Apr 2009
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Lothlorien
Ship's Grandma
# 4927
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Posted
My three young grandchildren attended the funeral of a family member, not close family but much loved, when they were about 5,6 and perhaps 10. There were many peole there, we could not get into chapel and the gracveside was packed too. They just moved away and talked.
A year ago, they went to the funeral of their grat grandmother, my ex-husband's mother. She was a strange woman but they did not seem upset. I think thye had also been to a church member's funeral. Last September they were 7,9 and 12.
They had obviously been warned about behaviour as I could see all of them stifling laughter at the graveside. The mechanism lowering coffin into grave was in dire need of oil or WD40. It squeaked more loudly as coffin got lower. They almost got the giggles but suppressed them.
Open coffin funerals and viewings are not common at all down here for any funeral.
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Posts: 9745 | From: girt by sea | Registered: Aug 2003
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Talitha
Shipmate
# 5085
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Posted
I wasn't allowed to go to the funerals of my great-grandparents (when I was 7) or my grandfather (when I was 11). My parents went, and sent us to stay with the other side of the family. I would have liked to go.
There have been two funerals on my husband's side of the family since our daughter was born, and we brought her to both, aged 3 months and then about 15 months. (The first was the first funeral I ever attended, too, since I wasn't allowed to go as a child.) Both funerals were fairly low-key, and we were able to sit near the door and take her out if she was noisy.
At that age it's only a question of whether the child will disturb the rest of the congregation, rather than the effect on the child herself. And they said it was nice and comforting to have her there, as a new life in the midst of death. If we had a 4 or 5 year old, I might consider not bringing them, especially if they had a sensitive nature. But I think 7 is probably old enough, and 11 definitely.
Posts: 554 | From: Cambridge, UK | Registered: Oct 2003
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Thurible
Shipmate
# 3206
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Posted
Our two attended the funerals of their great-grandfathers when they were 9 and 6, and 8 and 5. Wouldn't have occurred to us not to take them, really. If they didn't go to church week by week, and thus know what was going on and how to behave, etc., it might be different.
Thurible
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"I've been baptised not lobotomised."
Posts: 8049 | Registered: Aug 2002
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birdie
fowl
# 2173
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Goar:
Even more importantly, we are close to the reposed and his family. His children are similarly aged and friends with the Rudlets.
Will his children be there? That would be a factor in the decision for me - if for some reason they were not going to be there I'd consider not bringing the Rudlets, although I can't put my finger on exactly why that's my reaction.
I took my children (then 7 and 3) to my father's funeral earlier this year. The service was longer, and more formal, than they are used to but they were fine; they had quiet things to do and my in-laws kindly attended the funeral too, both because they wanted to and so that they could have the kids if I needed them to.
In fact we have had more than our fair share of funerals over the last year or so and I think attending a couple of them (and one particularly memorable wake) has been really helpful for my son. (My daughter is younger and hasn't understood so much.)
Go through things with them beforehand, but don't be surprised if there are things they're taken aback by - I will never forget my son on arriving at my dad's funeral and seeing the coffin, which was wicker. He proclaimed to the church, in scandalised tones: "That's not a coffin!!!".
Fairly sure Dad was chuckling at that point.
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Posts: 1290 | From: the edge | Registered: Jan 2002
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
At a recent funeral at our church, the four-year-old grandson was there with the rest of the family. He was completely quiet. After the procession he stepped into the aisle and stood there, watching everything with great interest.
It gave everyone there a lift to see him.
Moo
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
My 5 (almost 6) year old son attended the funeral of our stillborn son. There was some sort of a stillbirth expert attached to the hospital to give advice; her advice was that 7 was the usual age to start, but a younger child who was asking questions, as our son was, ought to go. It was a very small family funeral (I'd just given birth and didn't think I could cope physically with a larger funeral), closed coffin, and I think having him there was the right thing, he was less upset afterwards than he had been before. Our 3 year old didn't go, as she was only vaguely aware of what was happening.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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leo
Shipmate
# 1458
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Posted
I deeply resented the fact that i was not allowed, when I was aged 8, to attend my father's funeral and that i was lied to about the cause of his death (suicide). I think it did great harm to me for a very long time into adulthood.
When one of my tutor group died, aged 13, I encountered a lot of opposition from working class parents when i encouraged the whole tutor group to attend the funeral.
I won most people over and the priest who took the funeral was absolutely excellent and pastorally brilliant with the kids.
[ 09. October 2012, 15:01: Message edited by: leo ]
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Posts: 23198 | From: Bristol | Registered: Oct 2001
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goperryrevs
Shipmtae
# 13504
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Posted
Just my opinion, but if you're old enough to be affected by death, you're old enough to go to a funeral.
My daughter was aged 6 months and was there with the rest of us with my dad when he died. She came to the funeral. She was 3 when she went to her Great Nanna's funeral.
Death is a part of our lives. It's incredibly difficult to explain to children (and how you might explain it will depend on your faith etc. anyhow). Keeping children away from death makes that explaining even harder. Being able to talk to my daughter about those events, and what happened, makes talking about death much easier.
I would say not taking a child to a funeral would be for the benefit of other people, not for the child. We didn't take our daughter to the funeral of our friends who had a stillborn baby, because that would have been difficult for them, when they'd just lost their own child. But we did talk about it with her, and she knows about the baby that died.
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Posts: 2098 | From: Midlands | Registered: Mar 2008
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The Silent Acolyte
Shipmate
# 1158
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Goar:
The church is our own eastern Orthodox church...
This is a crucial piece of information.
Goar, how are you going to handle the Last Kiss with the elder Rudlets?
Posts: 7462 | From: The New World | Registered: Aug 2001
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Mudfrog
Shipmate
# 8116
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Posted
I co-officiated at the Presbyterian funeral of the mother of someone who came to our Salvation Army Corps. This daughter brought 'Christopher' with her to the mother's house where the funeral was being held, prior to interment.
This was Northern Ireland and so you'll be aware that the coffin in the front room/living room was open.
Christopher was 18 months old, maybe 2! He was in his mother's arms the whole way through the service and when the proceedings were over this lady took Christopher to the side of the coffin while she said goodbye to her 'Mammy'. She then proceeded to lean Christopher in to the coffin so he could kiss his dead grandmother...
I don't remember anyone being in the slightest bit shocked or making any move to prevent it or showing any reaction to this moment. To be honest, neither did I; it seemed 'ordinary' in the context of that moment.
Christopher will now be around 22 but I have no idea if there was any lasting effect from this corpse-kissing episode.
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"The point of having an open mind, like having an open mouth, is to close it on something solid."
G.K. Chesterton
Posts: 8237 | From: North Yorkshire, UK | Registered: Jul 2004
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The Silent Acolyte
Shipmate
# 1158
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Posted
A provident apposition of posts, Mudfrog. Thank you.
Someone please admonish me if I'm bringing this point up too often, but there is a salutary Orthodox contrast to the creepy Western take on the idea of cold 'corpse kissing.' It's a misbegotten feeling that still lurks deep in my own protestant brain stem.
At funeral liturgies at the Orthodox parish down the street, the priest invariably includes in his homily words to the effect that, we, who have here reverenced with a kiss the relics of Ever-memorable Anastasia, recognize her and her life as icons of the incarnation.
My point isn't to ignite an imbroglio of iconodules and iconaclasts, but to indicate that the body at death continues valuable and worthy of respect.
This vessel of clay is worth looking at, full in the face. It is, perhaps even, worth a final kiss of love and respect.
At the most recent funeral liturgy I attended, a mother herding two toddlers lifted them up so they could see Vladimir, an elder and pillar of the parish—though, not their relative. I don't remember whether Mom lowered them down so they could kiss him (as she invariably does for them at the other icons), but she herself most certainly did kiss Vladimir in their view.
Posts: 7462 | From: The New World | Registered: Aug 2001
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Thurible
Shipmate
# 3206
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Posted
Ours certainly kissed their great-grandads in the chapel of rest beforehand.
Thurible
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"I've been baptised not lobotomised."
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Angloid
Shipmate
# 159
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Posted
One of my greatest regrets is not attending the funeral of my dearly-loved grandmother when I was 11. I don't think it hit me at the time, and I don't think my parents were 'sheltering' me from anything, just that it wasn't expected that I or my brother should attend and also that it was difficult enough for them to make two or more long bus journeys. I feel even more regret and guilt that I missed the opportunity to visit her in her final illness, by - at least semi-deliberately - failing to meet my mother at the bus stop.
I was at university when my equally-loved uncle died, and it did not seem to cross anyone's mind that I should go to his funeral. So I must have been well into my twenties before I attended any funeral.
By contrast our two daughters, then aged about 4 and 7, attended my father's funeral and it was just right. They, and I, would have been deeply upset if they hadn't.
The emotional frigidity of working-class Britons in the 1950s has been very damaging in all sorts of ways.
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Posts: 12927 | From: The Pool of Life | Registered: May 2001
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Heavenly Anarchist
Shipmate
# 13313
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Posted
My Grandfather died when I was 8 and I was distraught at not being allowed to his funeral. Consequently, I have taken my two boys to all the family funerals. When they were small I made sure I had a few things to feed/occupy them and easy access for us all to escape if necessary. The last one we went to was my Mother's 3 years ago - they were 8 and 4 years old.
Mind you, we haven't had any open caskets but I guess we'd just prepare them well.
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Posts: 2831 | From: Trumpington | Registered: Jan 2008
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lily pad
Shipmate
# 11456
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Posted
While we're talking fairly broadly, if you are involved with a church, it is a kindness to younger moms and dads or to those who are particularly upset, to have someone on deck take over child care. So often, you don't really get to mourn as you would wish because you are keeping it together for the children. Someone who is very upset can really distress a child who is too young to understand what is going on. So, as a parish, having supports in place for ministry to families, especially those with younger children, is a good thing.
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Sloppiness is not caring. Fussiness is caring about the wrong things. With thanks to Adeodatus!
Posts: 2468 | From: Truly Canadian | Registered: May 2006
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BroJames
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# 9636
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Posted
At my grandmother's funeral our (then) three were then 6 3 and 12 months. At my f-in-law's funeral our (by now) four were 12, 9, nearly 7 and 5 months. We also took them to the chapel of rest to view his body. When my niece, their cousin (obviously), died aged nearly three, they were 14, 12, 9 and nearly 3. In each case we thought carefully, explained, discussed and involved at an appropriate level. As they are used to how to behave in church that was not an issue. In each case I think we made the right decision. Children approach this differently according to age and character. I would never force a child, but would always encourage them to be there. ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
Posts: 3374 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2005
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Ruudy
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# 3939
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Silent Acolyte:
quote:
Originally posted by Goar:
The church is our own eastern Orthodox church...
This is a crucial piece of information.
Goar, how are you going to handle the Last Kiss with the elder Rudlets?
I plan to let them know ahead of time what to expect. This includes mommy and daddy honoring our friend and kissing him goodbye and crying a bit. They will have an opportunity to say goodbye and, if they wish, to kiss his forehead or the icon/cross in his hands.
Eldest Rudlet has already made it perfectly clear that he expects to be allowed to attend all services: the funeral on Thursday night, the Psalter vigil afterwards, and the Liturgy Friday morning. I am sure he will curl up with a blanket on the floor and sleep through most of the vigil, since it will be late at night and the 5 hour reading will be done by candlelight. Be he will not feel excluded.
Suusan and I have yet to discuss it fully, but I am encouraged by this thread and we may end up allowing the younger Rudlets to attend the funeral.
[ 09. October 2012, 19:26: Message edited by: Goar ]
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The shipmate formerly known as Goar.
Posts: 1360 | From: Gatorland | Registered: Jan 2003
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Twangist
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# 16208
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Posted
for all you who've shared some of your personal stuff on this thread.
the Twanglets (7&9) went to their first funeral about a month ago - their Great Grandmothers. They were given the choice (I don't think the afternoon off school worked as an incentive). They coped really well (even when Mrs T cried whilst doing a reading). The few matter of fact kid questions ("how big is the hole?" etc) seemed to make things a bit less heavy as well.
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JJ
SDG
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Posts: 604 | From: Devon | Registered: Feb 2011
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Aravis
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# 13824
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Posted
My brother and I went to our grandfather's funeral when he (my brother, that is, obviously...) was 4 and I was 6. It would have been very strange not to as we had been visiting him with Mum in a nursing home regularly that summer (though we usually went in the home for about 5 minutes and then ran round the gardens outside). We didn't have any difficulty coping with this. Conversely, my husband has always resented not being allowed to go (at the age of 10!) to his grandmother's funeral.
When my daughter was about 6 or 7 I took her to a friend's father's funeral. We were both close to the friend but hadn't met her father, who lived some distance away but had the funeral near us, so it wasn't personally traumatic for either of us and I could answer all the practical questions in the car on the way home. This was a deliberate decision as I knew otherwise her first experience of a funeral would almost certainly be that of one of my parents, when I wouldn't have wanted the questions.
Posts: 689 | From: S Wales | Registered: Jun 2008
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