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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: I suppose I have to join facebook, sigh
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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379
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Posted
A friend has been talking vaguely about throwing a 40th birthday party for himself. The birth date is tomorrow.
Today he asked me who is bringing a birthday cake. Huh, how would I know? Did you decide to have a party? What time? Is it pot luck?
He told me I was coordinating the pot luck. Huh? I didn't know there was an actual party, or how many are invited - 6 or 20 or 100?
He said he put the invitation on facebook. I said I'm not on facebook, send it to me. He said it's on facebook. I said copy paste it into email and send it to me. He said it's on Facebook.
He finally read the invitation to me. I still don't know why he thinks I should be coordinating the pot luck, no one was told to coordinate with me, I have no way of knowing who is coming and no way to contact them if he did tell me names.
I suppose I have to buy a birthday cake, since no one is coordinating the pot luck and it's not the sort of thing people bring to a birthday party unasked.
Mostly I guess I'm seeing that some people use facebook not as one means of communication but as the only means. And whether or not you are on facebook, you are expected to know what the posted there.
Are others of you running into that?
Posts: 5830 | From: Texas | Registered: Jan 2008
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Yes and it's a *%$#@*&!! nuisance!
I am on Facebook but rarely go there, perhaps once or twice a week for just a few moments then I sign out whereas some people seem to spend all their life with it on in the background so they can react immediate;y if someone posts something, however trivial.
I keep on talking about coming off entirely but there are some people who are important to me and it is our only regular point of contact - were it not for those few I would be out of it. I often wish I'd never joined.
Don't join! Tell you friend that you are not on Facebook and you have no intention of joining and that if he wants you to know something he will have to e-mail or phone or even write a letter!
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
I held out for a long time, then caved in and joined FB over a year ago.
It hasn't been quite what I thought it would be. Despite the privacy settings, it still feels very public - someone posts something, you reply, but your reply is probably seen by friends of your friend, who you may not know anything about; if one of them posts to it, it gets spread further. Your privacy settings, in essence, depend on others.
The Like button has pretty much killed off online conversation, and Facebook has pretty much killed off email, which in turn killed off letter writing, so although you are on Facebook and linked to your friends you may find that there's altogether less communication than you had before you joined, just scraps of light-hearted banter (or more likely, a short throwaway comment with a lot of Likes) more than anything. It's often also very slow to load. There are some people on there I wouldn't have any contact with at all otherwise, but I don't usually stay very long on it now.
Also, if you send a message to someone you aren't already FB friends with, it can often end up in their Spam box and they never see it, which can make getting in touch with old friends problematic - assuming their settings permit messages from strangers in the first place.
So - not all it's cranked up to be, IMO. If people are rude enough to insist that you have to join so you can see their invitation, that's their problem. Courtesy costs nothing and neither does a quick cut-and-paste into email.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Thank you Ariel, courtesy is the word I was looking for - to insist the only way of communicating something is via FB is plain RUDE!
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
Fancy a break in South India?
Accessible Homestay Guesthouse in Central Kerala, contact me for details
What part of Matt. 7:1 don't you understand?
Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
Shouldn't rants be in Hell? ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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cross eyed bear
Shipmate
# 13977
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Posted
That's a naff excuse, expecting you to have seen something on facebook when you're not a member. If the birthday child created an invitation on facebook, he also had to pick out the people he was inviting. He would be aware that you hadn't received the invitation, because your name wasn't among the invitees.
This is just an example of someone who doesn't know how to use facebook properly, if he really expected you to see an invitation to which he hadn't - couldn't - give you access.
I personally love facebook, but it isn't for everyone. I live in a different country to many good friends of mine and use it as one of the ways of keeping in touch. It's also excellent for casual chats with friends. Its use does depend a lot on your own situation and that of your friends. I'm of a generation where enough friends are online to make it worthwhile, and in a situation where i'm glad I have this tool to transcend borders. I also have the techie know how to stay on top of the privacy settings, which are there, but are not super intuitive.
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"One false step in my direction, you'd better believe in the resurrection" Stillgoe & Skellern's "Mrs Beamish"
Posts: 120 | From: Southern Germany | Registered: Jul 2008
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
I have recently un-joined facebook.
It wasn't intentional. My computer crashed and had to be wiped. My facebook account was set up with a long ago defunct email address and I have completely forgotten the password. So I'm locked out!
I decided not to re-join or make huge efforts to get back, because I don't miss it at all - and have gained back a lost 15 minutes every day!
(Which I now add to my gardening time ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif) )
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
I am on facebook, and it is fine for me, it helps me to keep in touch with people, and that is important.
But to assume someone is there and has read the invites etc on there? Arrogant and rude most definitely.
Don't join facebook, explain to your "friend" that if he wants you to do something, he needs to communicate with you and ask you if you are prepared to do that. Given that the day is tomorrow, you would be quite reasonable in saying "no". then he can sort his own birthday party, instead of enjoying the day.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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daisydaisy
Shipmate
# 12167
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
I am on facebook, and it is fine for me, it helps me to keep in touch with people, and that is important.
But to assume someone is there and has read the invites etc on there? Arrogant and rude most definitely.
Don't join facebook, explain to your "friend" that if he wants you to do something, he needs to communicate with you and ask you if you are prepared to do that. Given that the day is tomorrow, you would be quite reasonable in saying "no". then he can sort his own birthday party, instead of enjoying the day.
Totally
Posts: 3184 | From: southern uk | Registered: Dec 2006
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Eutychus
From the edge
# 3081
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Posted
Still holding out.
Remember, for any business in which you do not pay for the service, you are not the client but the product.
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Let's remember that we are to build the Kingdom of God, not drive people away - pastor Frank Pomeroy
Posts: 17944 | From: 528491 | Registered: Jul 2002
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M.
Ship's Spare Part
# 3291
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Posted
I did join facebook a few years back but after a couple of weeks, decided to forget it - I never use it now. If I don't respond to a facebook message and the person can't be bothered to contact me directly, then perhaps there's no relationship there anyway.
Interestingly, someone was telling me the other day that her (early 20s) daughter and friend - who has moved to another country - don't use facebook or e-mail but write letters to each other, as it feels more special.
M.
Posts: 2303 | From: Lurking in Surrey | Registered: Sep 2002
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
I have recently un-joined facebook.
It wasn't intentional. My computer crashed and had to be wiped. My facebook account was set up with a long ago defunct email address and I have completely forgotten the password. So I'm locked out!
I decided not to re-join or make huge efforts to get back, because I don't miss it at all - and have gained back a lost 15 minutes every day!
(Which I now add to my gardening time )
so that's where you went.
I have nothing terribly useful to add to this rant. FB is super useful to my various community event coordinating duties. I get a lot done. plus, people share road and weather and wildlife and aurora and earthquake reports. It was indispensable last year when I was coordinating flood information, more reliable than the radio or any other system for getting information out fast.
and yes, I'm aware I'm the product, and I'm well aware that "privacy" is baloney. I act accordingly.
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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birdie
fowl
# 2173
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
He told me I was coordinating the pot luck. Huh? I didn't know there was an actual party, or how many are invited - 6 or 20 or 100?
I think the issue here is less facebook and more your friend being unbelievably rude.
I do use facebook - its advantages outweigh its disadvantages for me but if that changes I'll happily stop using it. It is good for organising social stuff and you do have to make sure that people not on facebook aren't left out. But, as said above, if your friend sent out invitations on facebook, he will have known that you were not included in them, so how he thought you would be organising the thing is beyond me.
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"Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness."
Captain Jack Sparrow
Posts: 1290 | From: the edge | Registered: Jan 2002
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Golden Key
Shipmate
# 1468
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Posted
I'm not on FB. Have heard too many horrible things about it and other social media sites, from day 1.
I hate the lack of privacy, with all the ways that plays out: unwanted people reading posts, FB gathering more and more info, people tracking you down, the creepy stuff people put online, etc. Plus my various friends would likely not mix well. ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Oh, and I don't like that you're supposed to use your real name--the rules say they'll drop you if they find out you haven't.
And I don't see why everything needs to be in one place. E.g., the invitation mentioned in the OP, coupons and contests from businesses, etc.
I'm happy with e-mail. ![[Smile]](smile.gif) If I were facing surgery or something, I might consider as minimal a FB presence as possible; but I'd rather notify a few trusted friends by e-mail, and have them pass info on to various groups.
{Tangent-- That having been said, I'm trying to figure out a good way to set up some kind of personal info drop site, where (if something happened to me) friends could get in touch with each other. I don't have family to speak of, nor a significant other, nor kids. And I've had bad experiences with offline friends meeting each other, things going terribly wrong, and me losing them. Not anxious to repeat that. My docs know how to get in touch with a couple of people; I have more detailed info in my pocket datebook (including a pointer to the Ship); and I'm working on setting up several USB sticks of ICE emergency info to keep on my key ring and in my various bags. Don't want to derail this thread. But if someone has another idea, please feel free to PM me. Thanks!}
Anyway, the friend mentioned in the OP should've noticed you weren't on his list. Duh!
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Blessed Gator, pray for us!
--"Oh bat bladders, do you have to bring common sense into this?" (Dragon, "Jane & the Dragon")
--"Oh, Peace Train, save this country!" (Yusuf/Cat Stevens, "Peace Train")
Posts: 18601 | From: Chilling out in an undisclosed, sincere pumpkin patch. | Registered: Oct 2001
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
I have re-established close links with an old school friend through Facebook, we communicate regularly through that medium and have shared many laughs together. But she still managed to send me a proper invitation to her wedding through the post.
There's a time when Facebook is very convenient and appropriate, but there's a time when it really shouldn't take priority. I am staggered that someone should consider it appropriate to expect someone to organise a supper through Facebook alone. How rude!
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
FB is like a microwave; it does some things well, and others badly, or not at all.
It's not a magic social organiser: to do that, you have to identify specific people, communicate one-to-one, enable discussion etc. so, if Belle's friend thinks 'putting it on FaceBook' constitutes planning, then he's lazy or stupid or both.
FB works well for me in keeping me in touch with a fairly small group of people whose lives are of genuine interest to me, and with whom I share particular interests.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Eutychus
From the edge
# 3081
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
FB is super useful to my various community event coordinating duties. I get a lot done. plus, people share road and weather and wildlife and aurora and earthquake reports. It was indispensable last year when I was coordinating flood information, more reliable than the radio or any other system for getting information out fast.
In all of the above, you appear to be using FB semi-professionally. I could just about live with that.
What I really don't like (apart from privacy issues) is the prospect of social relationships being defined by a corporation. Anyone who doubts this is being business driven should google current managementspeak about corporate social networks. Business is aiming to feed off the natural dynamic of friendship for profit and monetize our intimate feelings and emotions.
Besides, social interaction is being broken up into binary categories such as 'friend/unfriend' 'like/unlike'.
quote:
and yes, I'm aware I'm the product, and I'm well aware that "privacy" is baloney. I act accordingly.
I'm sure you do, but online privacy is amazingly difficult to do even when you're trying.
Oh, and get off my lawn.
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Let's remember that we are to build the Kingdom of God, not drive people away - pastor Frank Pomeroy
Posts: 17944 | From: 528491 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
Okay, this is a rant about FB--but your friend is throwing a party in honor of himself? And expects the guests to do all the organizing/ shopping/ cooking? And saddles YOU unasked (just commanded) with the job of organizing it? And then bitches when you haven't received his not-an-invitation?
Someone needs to go all Miss Manners on his ass.
[ 13. April 2013, 11:22: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
I often do plank some people. Amazingly, not unlike SoF, few notice.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by cross eyed bear:
This is just an example of someone who doesn't know how to use facebook properly.
It's also an example of someone who doesn't know that people over the age of six don't throw birthday parties for themselves. Even under six, it's the parents who throw it for the child in the child's name.
I was on Facebook for about a month and couldn't stand the vapid banter. I disabled my account, and then deleted it, and have no desire to go back.
If someone has something to say to me, they can see me in person, phone me, or e-mail me. And vice-versa. Otherwise it's just probably not worth saying in the first place.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
I think some of the younger people are more into twitter these days. I prefer twitter for social interaction actually, although it does take some time to get into.
Anyhow, what is the name of your friend, then we can link to him on facebook, and tell him what an piss-taking, arrogant, fuckwit he is.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by M.:
... the person can't be bothered to contact me directly, then perhaps there's no relationship there anyway.
I'm having ambivalent thoughts this morning.
1. People who don't have email tend to be left out because it's extra work to make phone calls after clicking "send" on the group email, and if the email had an attachment like a chart or a photo, then you can't even telephone but also have to print it out and find an envelope and mail it. My acquaintances who don't have email say "just call me" or "just bring me the chart" The extra work of the relationship falls entirely on the ones who do use email. So these uncomputered people fall to the edges of relationship groups.
To Facebook people, it's extra effort to stay in relationship with you, extra work to have to resend what they already posted. So they do so reluctantly, and after while you are thought of as too work because contact with you is more work than with the other 40 put together.
2. But also - seems to me posting an invitation or emailing a group is not the same "I want *you*" as a personal contact invitation.
This particular person said 5 have RSVPed they are coming to the party, but he has 30 local contacts on Facebook and wants me to provide enough plates forks etc for all 30 in case they come. The impersonality is striking, the lack of connections, there's been no discussion, no 2-way communication with each of the people invited. Just a hope or assumption some who haven't bothered to respond will come.
3. "I put my info out there, others will take the effort to come to *my* page and see what *I've* posted and respond to me" comes across to me as arrogant, but I suppose they would say expecting to be personally contacted is arrogant.
I've had this conversation with a friend who refuses to have email, says failure to call her with group info is just arrogance. I said it take more time to make one phone call than to send an email to the other 40. But maybe in a way she's right?
A call is two way connection, human interaction instead of just names on an email list. Maybe the belief I can send you something impersonal (group email, Facebook posting) and expect a personal response (showing up at my party and bringing a food for the pot luck) is arrogant?
I'm struggling with concepts here. Never was good at social connections, very possible I don't understand any of what I'm puzzling about.
Posts: 5830 | From: Texas | Registered: Jan 2008
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LeRoc
Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216
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Posted
I think this might be related. I dislike Facebook, and have never been a part of it. Yesterday, I was at some sort of party, and someone I didn't know very well took pictures. Would it be appropriate to ask her if she was planning to put my picture on her Facebook page?
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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)
Posts: 9474 | From: Brazil / Africa | Registered: Aug 2002
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
This particular person said 5 have RSVPed they are coming to the party, but he has 30 local contacts on Facebook and wants me to provide enough plates forks etc for all 30 in case they come.
Please tell us (and him) that (1) you are not going and (2) even if you were, you would not set his table for him.
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Okay, this is a rant about FB--but your friend is throwing a party in honor of himself?
Those of us who live alone throw our own birthday parties or don't have birthday celebrations. That's the only choices. Shouldn't single people celebrate, too?
Took me years of wondering why I never had a birthday party before I saw that the parties I was invited to were all the husband planning one for the wife and vv, which is really no different than throwing a party for yourself.
Most birthday parties I've been invited to are at a restaurant and each guest pays their own food/drink bill. Pot luck is easier on those with very limited budgets.
If you do a party at home it has to be pot luck because you have no idea these days how many are coming. My first big party I invited 200, 47 said yes, 13 came. The most recent one 60 said yes, 30 came (including two of those who said no). The first one I provided all the food and had more left over than I could store even after sending people home with lots. That's when I switched to pot luck.
He may have assumed I was running the pot luck because when he said he couldn't afford to feed everyone (he recently lost a job) I suggested he do it pot luck. That was weeks ago. My suggesting it may have morphed in his memory into "she's running it" - the disconnect is knowing I'm not on facebook and don't know most of his friends.
Posts: 5830 | From: Texas | Registered: Jan 2008
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rufiki
Ship's 'shroom
# 11165
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Posted
I thought the whole point of "pot luck" is you don't know who is bringing what. If so, isn't "organizing the pot luck" an oxymoron?
Posts: 1562 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
Those of us who live alone throw our own birthday parties or don't have birthday celebrations. That's the only choices. Shouldn't single people celebrate, too?
It's far from the only choice. You throw a birthday party for your friends, who in turn throw one for you. Or else are they really friends?
quote:
He said he couldn't afford to feed everyone (he recently lost a job).
Then he has no business throwing a party in the first place. Or he throws it at a restaurant, where he can nibble off everyone else's plate if he can't afford to order a meal for himself. For that matter, if he's the birthday boy, his friends should be treating him anyway at a restaurant get-together they are throwing in his honor. Sheesh!
Bottom line, you are under no obligation to furnish plates and cutlery for him. If as few people show up as he suspects might, then he can use his china and silverware rather than paper and plastic. Or does he expect you to be his kitchen maid as well?
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:
He said he couldn't afford to feed everyone (he recently lost a job).
Then he has no business throwing a party in the first place.
Why?
The vast majority of the parties I attend are pot luck. I'm off to a bloke's housewarming tonight, it's potluck. 'Bring a bottle' too.
So the party costs nothing to the person who throws it (except time for clearing up afterwards) and good fun is had by all. This means there are plenty of parties in our social circle.
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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infinite_monkey
Shipmate
# 11333
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Posted
Throwing one's own birthday party can feel a bit weird, but it's commonly done among my circle of friends. The social contract essentially requires one of us to nag the upcoming birthday person, saying, "Hey, we'd like to celebrate your birthday--are you planning anything?". Then, Upcoming Birthday Person feels empowered to throw event, which would probably not be planned for the person by friends because no one of us would take ownership of that. It's not like in a partnership where clearly the significant other is the one who'd take the lead: it's a case of everyone feeling warmly towards birthday person and wanting to celebrate, but no one person other than the birthday person being in a position to coordinate everything.
I feel you, Belle Ringer, on not being sure of the subtleties and requirements of adult social interaction. But this situation, as you describe it, is a pretty egregious one--boy can get his own darn plates, and he ain't gonna need 30 of them.
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His light was lifted just above the Law,
And now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.
--Dar Williams, And a God Descended
Obligatory Blog Flog: www.otherteacher.wordpress.com
Posts: 1423 | From: left coast united states | Registered: Apr 2006
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
This particular person said 5 have RSVPed they are coming to the party, but he has 30 local contacts on Facebook and wants me to provide enough plates forks etc for all 30 in case they come.
How much is he paying you for all this waitress service?
Is this, by any chance, being held at your place?
Give in on this and you give him a licence to walk all over you, not just this time, but next time. Tell him (if you can't bring yourself to be rude) that it's too short notice, you have other arrangements, you wish him well but you won't be coming, and then just end the call and leave it at that. It's not your party, it's not your problem. I wouldn't waste two minutes on someone who treated me like this. It's not going to be a reciprocal arrangement - he won't put himself out for you (just imagine doing the same thing to him and see how far he'd go with making the arrangements).
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Amanda B. Reckondwythe
Dressed for Church
# 5521
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by infinite_monkey:
The social contract essentially requires one of us to nag the upcoming birthday person, saying, "Hey, we'd like to celebrate your birthday--are you planning anything?". Then, Upcoming Birthday Person feels empowered to throw event, which would probably not be planned for the person by friends because no one of us would take ownership of that.
Such a social contract would send Miss Amanda directly to her smelling salts, after inhaling copious amounts of which she'd scarcely be able to gasp, "Why, no, but if you'd like to plan something I'd be thrilled."
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"I take prayer too seriously to use it as an excuse for avoiding work and responsibility." -- The Revd Martin Luther King Jr.
Posts: 10542 | From: The Great Southwest | Registered: Feb 2004
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
Perhaps this guy has communication difficulties eg. a mild form of Autism - sometimes they find it easier to communicate on FB than in real life. I recall someone who organised a reunion through FB (rather badly) then complained when not many people turned up. You could see the writing on the wall from afar off, but maybe he just couldn't help it because it was part of his personality to not give people enough important details. And not answering cautious inquiries, but misinterpreting them as definite acceptance.
How far does he live from you - within popping around for a friendly chat distance, or not? You might be able to find out more, face to face.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Gracious rebel
Rainbow warrior
# 3523
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Posted
Not sure if its a Pond thing, but over here in UK it seems quite normal to throw a party for oneself. The exception is when its a 'surprise party' when of course someone else has to organise it (and run the risk that the surprisee will hate them for it).
This applies even for married people. Or it did in my case. While I was married, I threw parties for both my 40th and 50th birthdays. For the latter I paid for hire of a hall at considerable expense (hence asked that the guests bring food on a pot luck basis to keep costs down). The 40th party was held at home, so I provided all the food. I don't think this is particularly unusual. OK I enlisted a couple of friends to help, but having the party, the RSVPs etc were all organised by myself.
Re Facebook, I'm definitely (and very stubbornly) in the 'I don't do it' camp.
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Fancy a break beside the sea in Suffolk? Visit my website
Posts: 4413 | From: Suffolk UK | Registered: Nov 2002
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Belle Ringer
Shipmate
# 13379
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Posted
Different social sets function differently.
Marrieds give parties for themselves by having the spouse issue the invitation, why is that socially correct but singles have to find a friend not in their huseholdto do all the work of organizing inviting and pestering to get head count and pre-cleaning and cleaning up?
If I had a friend willing to work that hard to give me a birthday party I'd marry him or her. :-)
Pot lucks unless there are a lot of people usually have a bit of coordination. I went to one with zero coordination, 18 of 20 people brought dessert, for lunch. Desserts are usually the most fun to make and the easiest to prepare ahead.
Especially with just 6 people, the host wants a hint of who's bringing what so s/he knows what's missing that needs to be filled in. I go to a lot of informal pot lucks, a dozen people informally rotating which four volunteers bring something, we do it who's going to bring a salad, a main dish, a dessert.
Posts: 5830 | From: Texas | Registered: Jan 2008
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
Facebook is the next techno step in an endless chain: indoor plumbing, electricity, telephone, banking card, having a computer at all, connecting the computer to the internet by dial-up, getting a mobile/cell phone, connecting computer to internet via highspeed, joining a forum like ship of fools.
There is no need to be paranoid, no need to be carmugeonly about it. I certainly recall when people refused to get telephones, and we found it rather easy to just leave them out. Social communication requires effort on the part of all sides. Facebook has been wonderful for some of the elderly in terms of keeping track of the doings of grand and great grand children. If you need a lesson, get one of those to help you. But don't avoid it. You don't have to use it beyond this occasion and you do not have to have your privacy all violated etc. Just use it to keep in touch with people.
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
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Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Boogie
Boogie on down!
# 13538
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Gracious rebel:
This applies even for married people. Or it did in my case. While I was married, I threw parties for both my 40th and 50th birthdays.
Me too - it's the best way to avoid a surprise party, which I would HATE!!
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Garden. Room. Walk
Posts: 13030 | From: Boogie Wonderland | Registered: Mar 2008
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Spiffy
Ship's WonderSheep
# 5267
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Posted
I throw my own birthday parties. Because that way I invite whom I want, I get the food I want, and we do what I want. No surprises.
I also totally plank 'friends' who are rude and inconsiderate. Oh, you didn't ask me if I'd run your party, but just told everyone I would? That's nice. I'm not doing it because my back does not say "Welcome".
I'm on FB, alas. Because I am single, I live alone, and my mother worries. If I don't post once a day she starts calling. If I don't answer the phone (because I, you know, don't like talking on the phone and often have the ringer off), she starts calling my friends.
[ 13. April 2013, 18:32: Message edited by: Spiffy ]
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Looking for a simple solution to all life's problems? We are proud to present obstinate denial. Accept no substitute. Accept nothing.
--Night Vale Radio Twitter Account
Posts: 10281 | From: Beervana | Registered: Dec 2003
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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528
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Posted
It's not that you can't have a party, and if you eant, it can be on your birthday, why not?
What good manners requires is that you NOT announce that said party is in honor of your own birthday (though if someone inquires, you can sheepishly admit to the date), and you may not make demands of your guests (because they are guests, and you are the host, with full responsibility to see to their comfort). Of course, if someone volunteers, that's a different case. Nor may you charge them, or expect them to pick up the cost in any way, even for their own meals--unless this event is clearly marked as a cooperative party from the outset, in which case everybody is both host and guest. Nor may you expect presents of them--which is a major reason why you never throw a party that is announced to be in honor of yourself. It looks greedy.
Your friend is screwing up by mixing the two kinds of events, the cooperative party and the traditional hosted party. He is also demanding the prerogatives both of the organizer (I hesitate to say "host," as he's putting all the responsibilities on you) and of the honored guest. Sounds like a fiasco.
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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!
Posts: 20059 | From: off in left field somewhere | Registered: Feb 2004
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lilBuddha
Shipmate
# 14333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Eutychus:
Still holding out.
Remember, for any business in which you do not pay for the service, you are not the client but the product.
Word.
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
I have nothing terribly useful to add to this rant. FB is super useful to my various community event coordinating duties. I get a lot done. plus, people share road and weather and wildlife and aurora and earthquake reports. It was indispensable last year when I was coordinating flood information, more reliable than the radio or any other system for getting information out fast.
and yes, I'm aware I'm the product, and I'm well aware that "privacy" is baloney. I act accordingly.
Fine, be all sensible with your usage.
quote:
Originally posted by Ethne Alba:
Round here, loads of 20/30 yr olds have left FB.
It is no longer cool when Great Gran uses it.
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
I think this might be related. I dislike Facebook, and have never been a part of it. Yesterday, I was at some sort of party, and someone I didn't know very well took pictures. Would it be appropriate to ask her if she was planning to put my picture on her Facebook page?
Yes. If you do not wish your image posted, ask.
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Perhaps this guy has communication difficulties eg. a mild form of Autism -
ISTM, Facebook is a form of Autsim. Whilst people may be in contact with greater numbers of others, the quality, content and nuance of communication is greatly reduced.
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
I think some of the younger people are more into twitter these days. I prefer twitter for social interaction actually, although it does take some time to get into.
And twitter is ADHD.
Every damn thing on the net wants to add a social network component. ISTM, they reduce communicants to the equivalent of hormonal teenagers.
We have the technology to communicate easily and quickly with people across the globe, to share ideas, engage in debate. And how do we use it? Kitten videos and harassment.*
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Social Media Venn Diagram
*I would argue kitten videos are harassment, but YMMV.
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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou
Posts: 17627 | From: the round earth's imagined corners | Registered: Dec 2008
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
You can usually notice quickly if the item is important news or just a 'helloooo I've seen a cute kitty' pic. and scroll quickly past if necessary. If nobody actually clicks 'like' on the trite posts, maybe they'll take the hint (or if not, keep scrolling past).
I like to be quite-good-friends with a large assortment of people, so it is worth the risk.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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rufiki
Ship's 'shroom
# 11165
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by no prophet:
Facebook is the next techno step in an endless chain: indoor plumbing, electricity, telephone, banking card, having a computer at all, connecting the computer to the internet by dial-up, getting a mobile/cell phone, connecting computer to internet via highspeed, joining a forum like ship of fools.
I disagree. Facebook is one company. All it would allow me to do if I registered with it is interact in particular ways with other people who have signed up to that one company.
For everything else in your list (except SoF, which is more of a club than a company) I chose my provider if/when I opt in. My bank card does not restrict me to only making and receiving payments with others who use the same bank. My telephone provider enables me to call my friends on every landline and mobile provider in the world. Similarly with my ISP.
Plus what Eutychus said about being the product.
Posts: 1562 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Eutychus
From the edge
# 3081
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by rufiki:
All it would allow me to do if I registered with it is interact in particular ways with other people who have signed up to that one company.
If that was all it did, then it wouldn't be so bad.
However, now, many websites offer you the option of "login with Facebook". In other words, you gain enhanced access to websites via your Facebook identity. In return for this enhanced experience, you effectively hand over your entire personal history as recorded on Facebook to that website.
The concern here is not so much those unfortunate photos of you at some teenage party, rather it's your demographic, network of friends and history of what sort of ads you've clicked on. That in turn will affect what gets suggested to you in your browsing experience (of course this is already true with Google but at least I can be a bit more selective about what I put in, and I wasn't simply thinking I was having a bit of chit-chat with my friends).
In other words, whereas you might be thinking you are surfing through the borderless and uncharted world of the whole wide Internet, you are more likely being led down a retail mall unawares, and seeing more of what business thinks you might like to see.
And please get off my lawn.
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Let's remember that we are to build the Kingdom of God, not drive people away - pastor Frank Pomeroy
Posts: 17944 | From: 528491 | Registered: Jul 2002
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scuffleball
Shipmate
# 16480
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Posted
It's interesting to note the attitudes of different churches towards FB. Our organist was a long holdout against FB until recently - he became leader of the evangelical community in this organization and was thus expected to have FB. (Said community had been pestering him about it for a while with varying degrees of friendliness - the community is largely organized over FB and they keep in touch there during the vacation.) Also they use it to share prayer requests.
The liturgical tradition - especially its contemplative element - seems more suspicious of Socialnetworking, like Lucy Winkett's book "Sound is our Wound" encouraging people to give up Socialnetworking for Lent. I think it's all to do with contemporary society's attitude to "noise" and "silence" in the proverbial sense of the word. Human beings seem to have a natural desire to fill their mind with distractions and FB provides that. I'd go further - it actively discourages people from switching off their distractions and thinking. It is good to take time away from that noise to think.
I spent a month in Taizé without phone, email, FB and I didn't find I missed it. Of course, it was supplanted by a real, meaningful community, and the thrice-daily services were always full of silence. A lot of the new volunteers were quite upset to be told not to have their phones on them. My contactbrother said that he was worried people might think Taizé a cult for this.
However in the real world I find FB and email necessary to organize meetings and social activities with people in the first place, and to thus facilitate such community.
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:
Originally posted by cross eyed bear:
This is just an example of someone who doesn't know how to use facebook properly.
It's also an example of someone who doesn't know that people over the age of six don't throw birthday parties for themselves. Even under six, it's the parents who throw it for the child in the child's name.
Really? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have had a b'day party had I not done some organization myself, although my friends very kindly went above and beyond that. I didn't use facebook to do so, as it happens; one of my close friends still holds out, and another only has an account to avoid missing out on events organized through it and to organize such events. (He ran a voluntary organization at the time, and is now running another.) However we have an internal mailing network (a sort of cross between emails and chatrooms - you can send people messages and they appear in threads, but you can also set up your own sort of "private board") which functions not dissimilarly. In fact I'm inclined to think the OP has the exact opposite problem; his/her friend expected him/her to do organize the party for him rather than organizing it himself!
quote:
Originally posted by Golden Key:
... I don't like that you're supposed to use your real name--the rules say they'll drop you if they find out you haven't.
IMO one of the big mistakes about the early 2000s Internet education was we were told not to use our real names online. The thing about FB not being anonymous is that psychologically is that it means one you're held accountable for your actions. This helps tone down people getting overblown on the internet. Of course, people must still be taught only to share things with people they've actually met, and preferably those who they see on a regular basis.
Indeed, as soon as you talk about your personal circumstances online you're not really anonymous anymore anyway. If someone who knew me in real life happened upon my profile on this chatroom they could easily work out that it was me, as I have talked about my personal circumstances here. I haven't purposefully hid myself and I don't think that's a reasonable expectation.
The creepy thing is when you "bump into" people on line that you know well IRL - one of the creepyest things was when I found a comment left on a youtube video and thought "haaaang on, that must be so and so" (who was one of my closest friends at the time). It was the only Youtube video of a particularly obscure mass setting that we happened to be singing at that time in the same choir though...
Other than this very chatroom, I'm not in any chatroom with people I haven't met in person, and most of those chatrooms are with people I habitually meet or habitually met and no longer see.
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Perhaps this guy has communication difficulties eg. a mild form of Autism -
ISTM, Facebook is a form of Autsim. Whilst people may be in contact with greater numbers of others, the quality, content and nuance of communication is greatly reduced.
[/QB]
This isn't an intrinsically bad thing, is it? It just means you have to remember what FB - and instant messaging in general - is and isn't good for though. I think it's not good to talk about very critical, personal, sensitive or argumentative issues by email because people's inhibitions are lowered when talking online and you can easily get too angry with people when talking online in a way you wouldn't in person. This is also because in former times it took considerably more effort to send a letter because it had to be written by hand or typewriter and you had to pay to post it whereas now information is cheap.
I find even phoning people or videophoning is better than IM for these things. I had a friend who would often have very long conversations by SMS or FB about very sensitive issues, and I felt somewhat uncomfortable about this. I did offer to set up a videophone on her computer, but she dodged the subject. I suspect it is because she still lives with her parents and would not like to be overheard on the phone.
Also, I made the mistake of writing a verbose political FB message the other day. Yes, about Thatcher's death. It was nuanced and not melodramatic in any way, but FB just wasn't the appropriate venue for it. My friends called me out on doing this despite having told others not to.
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
I think some of the younger people are more into twitter these days. I prefer twitter for social interaction actually, although it does take some time to get into.
And twitter is ADHD.
[/QB]
Round here, Twitter is essentially for hacks. (Journalistic/Activist/Political)
[ 13. April 2013, 21:18: Message edited by: scuffleball ]
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SPK: I also plan to create ... a Calvinist Ordinariate
ken: I thought it was called Taize?
Posts: 272 | Registered: Jun 2011
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Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
2. But also - seems to me posting an invitation or emailing a group is not the same "I want *you*" as a personal contact invitation.
Quite. And for, say, announcing that you'll be in the pub on Friday if anyone wants to drop by, a general announcement is fine. That's not the same as an invitation.
I do use facebook, although not to make social arrangements. I use it mostly to share photos of things we've done with family and friends. It doesn't replace writing letters, but it does make it easier to keep in some kind of contact.
ETA: All my facebook "friends" are people who are actual friends. Some are friends from college who I haven't seen for the last decade or two, due to living in different countries, but they are all people who I wouldn't hesitate to put up for a few days if they wanted to come and visit.
[ 13. April 2013, 21:36: Message edited by: Leorning Cniht ]
Posts: 5026 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2013
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RuthW
liberal "peace first" hankie squeezer
# 13
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
It's not that you can't have a party, and if you eant, it can be on your birthday, why not?
What good manners requires is that you NOT announce that said party is in honor of your own birthday (though if someone inquires, you can sheepishly admit to the date)...
Among my friends it's perfectly acceptable to throw your own birthday party and to be quite clear that that's what you're doing. For her 60th birthday, one friend rented the church hall, hired a caterer and a band, and asked that in lieu of gifts everyone bring socks to donate to the church's shower program for the homeless.
Posts: 24453 | From: La La Land | Registered: Apr 2001
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Amazing Grace
High Church Protestant
# 95
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Posted
Yeah, throwing yourself a party (even potluck if you're of limited means) isn't the problem.
Appointing someone else to be the organizer and then telling everyone but that person is, however, a huge problem. Double Rude points if the organizer didn't actually get invited due to choice of medium.
Facebook isn't the problem.
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WTFWED? "Remember to always be yourself, unless you suck" - the Gator
Memory Eternal! Sheep 3, Phil the Wise Guy, and Jesus' Evil Twin in the SoF Nativity Play
Posts: 6593 | From: Sittin' by the dock of the [SF] bay | Registered: Jul 2003
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