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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Facts of life
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
If you have several coloured pens, the red one is the one that will leak over your hands/bag/pocket.
If you go to pick up your earphones, the one you will almost always pick up first, whether you intend it or not, is the one marked R.
If you intend to pay for something small in cash and want to give the exact amount in change, you will almost always be just 1p short.
Please add your own...
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Sandemaniac
Shipmate
# 12829
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Posted
Beer is plural. There is no such thing as one beer.
AG
(not complaining, mind)
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"It becomes soon pleasantly apparent that change-ringing is by no means merely an excuse for beer" Charles Dickens gets it wrong, 1869
Posts: 3574 | From: The wardrobe of my soul | Registered: Jul 2007
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DonLogan2
Shipmate
# 15608
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Posted
Always jam side down...unless strapped to the back of a cat.
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“I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth... "
Posts: 359 | From: the very depths | Registered: Apr 2010
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
Finally get the kid in a snowsuit, all zipped up and tucked in? 3 minutes later, he needs to pee. NOW
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
Office heating will blast away all summer, be "fixed" in Autumn, and then not work all winter.
Office air-con works the opposite way round.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
You spot on sale a load of cards bearing the legend 'Happy Mothering Sunday
' so buy the lot - and your mama dies before the next one (true story).
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870
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Posted
When you go to plug in a USB connector, you will always get it upside down on the first attempt.
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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile
Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012
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BessLane
Shipmate
# 15176
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Posted
The automatic coffee pot will work flawlessly, except when you have used the last of the grounds which will result in a massive, messy malfunction leaving your kitchen floor covered in a coffee/grounds slurry. This happened this morning ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
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It's all on me and I won't tell it.
formerly BessHiggs
Posts: 1388 | From: Yorkville, TN | Registered: Sep 2009
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
If you have no time to spare then buses or trains will leave on the dot, while any bus or train for which you arrive in plenty of time will run late.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
If you intend to pay for something small in cash and want to give the exact amount in change, you will almost always be just 1p short.
I tested this at lunchtime. It was actually 19p.
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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile
Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012
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Hedgehog
Ship's Shortstop
# 14125
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Posted
The hungrier you are, the slower the service at the restaurant.
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"We must regain the conviction that we need one another, that we have a shared responsibility for others and the world, and that being good and decent are worth it."--Pope Francis, Laudato Si'
Posts: 2740 | From: Delaware, USA | Registered: Sep 2008
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Anything aimed from a reasonable distance at an indoor wastebin will curve at the last moment, then fall outside the bin entirely. The same principle can also be seen in trying to pour the contents of any carton of fruit juice, milk etc into any cup.
quote:
Originally posted by TheAlethiophile:
I tested this at lunchtime. It was actually 19p.
That might be your personal amount shortage. It probably varies from person to person. The 1p thing has happened so often to me that I can't believe it's coincidence.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
A watched pot never boils, which is why you use a kettle.
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Chorister
Completely Frocked
# 473
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Posted
If you've got just the right amount of change out for the car park / bridge toll, one of the coins WILL be rejected. You will then have to scrabble around for another coin, or beg one from a passer-by.
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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.
Posts: 34626 | From: Cream Tealand | Registered: Jun 2001
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Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405
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Posted
If all the staff report to work -- no delays, no sick or vacation days, no kids barred from daycare with temp or sniffles -- then half the clients will not be home when staff arrive to provide services.
If half the staff are out with flu, injury, or family emergency, then every single client will call in with urgent queries 12 nanoseconds after replacement staff fail to arrive, preventing managers from actually scheduling other replacement staff.
If one not-terribly stable client pitches a fit,
all marginally-stable clients pitch fits. This, even though the clients may never have met, live miles apart, and have nothing to do with one another.
[ 24. February 2014, 12:58: Message edited by: Porridge ]
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Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that.
Moon: Including what?
Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie.
Moon: That's not true!
Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
If you decide to clear out files dating back to c. 1968 on the grounds that nobody has touched them for decades nor will ever ask for stuff that goes that far back, within 7 days someone will ask you for something from that clearout.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Porridge: quote:
If one not-terribly stable client pitches a fit, all marginally-stable clients pitch fits. This, even though the clients may never have met, live miles apart, and have nothing to do with one another.
That's a "quantum" effect. ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Porridge
Shipmate
# 15405
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Porridge: quote:
If one not-terribly stable client pitches a fit, all marginally-stable clients pitch fits. This, even though the clients may never have met, live miles apart, and have nothing to do with one another.
That's a "quantum" effect.
Possibly, though it may also be a manifestation of the Elizabethan Great Chain of Being.
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Spiggott: Everything I've ever told you is a lie, including that.
Moon: Including what?
Spiggott: That everything I've ever told you is a lie.
Moon: That's not true!
Posts: 3925 | From: Upper right corner | Registered: Jan 2010
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Stercus Tauri
Shipmate
# 16668
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Porridge:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Porridge: quote:
If one not-terribly stable client pitches a fit, all marginally-stable clients pitch fits. This, even though the clients may never have met, live miles apart, and have nothing to do with one another.
That's a "quantum" effect.
Possibly, though it may also be a manifestation of the Elizabethan Great Chain of Being.
My Dear Wife works in the public library, and says there is no need for further proof that the unstable patrons will all throw a wobbly when there's a full moon. Some of the staff do it, too.
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Thay haif said. Quhat say thay, Lat thame say (George Keith, 5th Earl Marischal)
Posts: 905 | From: On the traditional lands of the Six Nations. | Registered: Sep 2011
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
I work part-time, so if a snow-day is declared, it's more likely to be declared after I've finished w*rk.
In fairness, the converse has also happened: the university's been closed in the morning because of weather, and re-opened when I'd have been due to leave anyway.
It's less likely to rain if you have an umbrella.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by TheAlethiophile:
When you go to plug in a USB connector, you will always get it upside down on the first attempt.
Sorry, but I think this is mistaken. It will always be wrong the second time you try it. There will always be a second time, because it was not quite right the first time.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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no prophet's flag is set so...
Proceed to see sea
# 15560
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Posted
When looking for your keys, always check your left hand before asking others to help find them.
(yes, I have done it)
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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/
Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010
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Sipech
Shipmate
# 16870
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Posted
When you go to a cash machine needing a tenner and no more, they only have £20 notes left.
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I try to be self-deprecating; I'm just not very good at it.
Twitter: http://twitter.com/TheAlethiophile
Posts: 3791 | From: On the corporate ladder | Registered: Jan 2012
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Taliesin
Shipmate
# 14017
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Posted
Oh. Yes. I am officially old.
Posts: 2138 | From: South, UK | Registered: Aug 2008
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The5thMary
Shipmate
# 12953
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Posted
You've waited months and months with a horrid toothache and the day you're supposed to see the oral surgeon, a massive (for the U.S. South anyway) snowstorm happens. When you try to re-schedule two weeks later, a rare ice storm obliterates any chance of having that oral surgeon appointment! ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
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God gave me my face but She let me pick my nose.
Posts: 3451 | From: Tacoma, WA USA | Registered: Aug 2007
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The5thMary
Shipmate
# 12953
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Posted
You go to get some cash from the A.T.M. and spend about twenty minutes swearing and trying not to cry because your A.T.M. card won't work and you're in a hurry. Finally, in tears, you go into the bank, hand them the A.T.M. card and find out that it's actually your library card. The bank teller's laughter follows you out the door...
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God gave me my face but She let me pick my nose.
Posts: 3451 | From: Tacoma, WA USA | Registered: Aug 2007
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Meg the Red
Shipmate
# 11838
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Posted
On a Friday before a long weekend, nobody will call or come to the office to register for courses. Until 5 minutes before closing time, that is, at which point the phone will ring off the hook and entire families will crowd in, peppering you with complex questions and claiming complete ignorance of the documentation you told them they'd require when they called several times earlier in the week.
At least 1/2 of them will return the following Tuesday to withdraw from their courses.
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Chocoholic Canuckistani Cyclopath
Posts: 1126 | From: Rat Creek | Registered: Sep 2006
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Yes but do you remember the time before cash machines were invented and trying t get to a bank before it closed at 3.30 in the afternoon?!
In Canada, banks were open between 10 am and 3 pm. when I was young. By the time my 3rd year of university rolled along, I did all my banking on Friday, when the bank was open until 4 pm. (Oh, glorious luxury!)
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Alban
Shipmate
# 9047
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Posted
Small Retail:
Two minutes before closing time someone will wander in and look at the most expensive items in store. Just look, mind you, not buy, never buy.
And when one person asks for something strange, so too will two others within one or two days of the first.
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Whoever you are, wherever you go, Hophtrig is your friend!
Posts: 722 | From: Under a (long white) cloud | Registered: Feb 2005
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anoesis
Shipmate
# 14189
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Hedgehog:
The hungrier you are, the slower the service at the restaurant.
The later you are of a morning, and the more you need to hurry, the slower your children will go at everything, from selecting a breakfast, to eating said breakfast, to dressing, finding shoes, packing bags, etc., etc. This is magnified exponentially on a rainy day, when it is even more important to leave home on time, because for some reason, most of the population of this city are confused by rain and respond by driving with extreme timidity, despite the fact that it rains a lot here...
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The history of humanity give one little hope that strength left to its own devices won't be abused. Indeed, it gives one little ground to think that strength would continue to exist if it were not abused. -- Dafyd --
Posts: 993 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Oct 2008
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L'organist
Shipmate
# 17338
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Posted
Copy machines and/or printers will behave perfectly all week until Friday, when they'll do the mechanical equivalent of a toddler sitting down and saying 'No, shan't'.
If its the Friday before you go on leave they will produce odd smells and may even burst into flames.
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Rara temporum felicitate ubi sentire quae velis et quae sentias dicere licet
Posts: 4950 | From: somewhere in England... | Registered: Sep 2012
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Jane R
Shipmate
# 331
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Posted
Lamb Chopped said: quote:
No one in the house is capable of finding anything. Except you.
... and after they have looked REALLY REALLY HARD for the best part of an hour, you will find whatever-it-is in under a minute.
Amazing? No. Elementary.
<adjusts deerstalker and wanders off>
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001
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Stejjie
Shipmate
# 13941
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
No one in the house is capable of finding anything. Except you.
In our house I am part of the "no one" and my wife is the "you": we prove the rule correct every time...
Also: when you finally think of something profound and witty and relevant to post on the Ship, you'll be far away from a computer and will have forgotten it by the time you actually come to write it.
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A not particularly-alt-worshippy, fairly mainstream, mildly evangelical, vaguely post-modern-ish Baptist
Posts: 1117 | From: Urmston, Manchester, UK | Registered: Jul 2008
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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
No one in the house is capable of finding anything. Except you.
"It's on the side".
You know what "the side" is Lamb Chopped, I'm sure.
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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"
(Paul Sinha, BBC)
Posts: 24276 | From: Newport, Wales | Registered: Apr 2004
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BessLane
Shipmate
# 15176
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Alban:
Small Retail:
...
And when one person asks for something strange, so too will two others within one or two days of the first.
Restaurant variation: The more complicated, messy or time consuming a particular menu item is to prepare, the more people will order that item at the height of dinner rush.
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It's all on me and I won't tell it.
formerly BessHiggs
Posts: 1388 | From: Yorkville, TN | Registered: Sep 2009
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jedijudy
Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
No one in the house is capable of finding anything. Except you.
Aha. Way back when I was married, that was caused by "man eyes". ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.
Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001
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Jonah the Whale
Ship's pet cetacean
# 1244
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Posted
In our house we have come to recognise that ovaries are actually misplaced object locating organs.
Posts: 2799 | From: Nether Regions | Registered: Aug 2001
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
When travelling to catch a plane, train or ferry, the number of red traffic lights you encounter is in inverse proportion to the number of minutes you have to spare.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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North East Quine
Curious beastie
# 13049
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
No one in the house is capable of finding anything. Except you.
If you make out a perfect list of what is where in the hall cupboard, and affix it to the inside door of said cupboard, plus put copies of said list in the shed, garage and upstairs cupboard with a note saying "Don't bother looking for the undernoted items here, they are in the hall cupboard" your husband will still be incapable of finding anything and will ask pathetically where things are, in order for you to say "see where it says "X is on the left hand side of the second shelf? Well, it's on the left-hand side of the second shelf." And lo! it will be on the left hand hand side of the second shelf, and your husband will be incredulous at your finding abilities.
Posts: 6414 | From: North East Scotland | Registered: Oct 2007
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
In my house, Mrs Cat can never find anything - especially her keys. I usually can. So we buck the trend somewhat.
However, when i can;t find something of mine, it is usually because she has thrown it out.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Huia
Shipmate
# 3473
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Posted
NE Quine ![[Overused]](graemlins/notworthy.gif)
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Charity gives food from the table, Justice gives a place at the table.
Posts: 10382 | From: Te Wai Pounamu | Registered: Oct 2002
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M.
Ship's Spare Part
# 3291
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Posted
If you have a choice of two, it is 100% likely that you will pick the wrong one.
M.
Posts: 2303 | From: Lurking in Surrey | Registered: Sep 2002
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ExclamationMark
Shipmate
# 14715
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Posted
When someone says "Don't laugh" or "Don't look" .... you always do.
[ 26. February 2014, 06:41: Message edited by: ExclamationMark ]
Posts: 3845 | From: A new Jerusalem | Registered: Apr 2009
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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
Copy machines and/or printers will behave perfectly all week until Friday, when they'll do the mechanical equivalent of a toddler sitting down and saying 'No, shan't'.
When I was at theological college in the 80s, there were two public access photocopiers. One had a note on it: "If this copier breaks down, on no account attempt to use the other one. They are members of the same Union and it will immediately stop working, in sympathy with its colleague".
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009
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Baptist Trainfan
Shipmate
# 15128
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by piglet:
When travelling to catch a plane, train or ferry, the number of red traffic lights you encounter is in inverse proportion to the number of minutes you have to spare.
And trains will only be delayed when you have a tight connection or an urgent appointment. When you have plenty of time, they arrive early.
Also true of buses, which will be running early just on the morning when the phone rings as you're leaving home/the alarm clock battery ran out/your key sticks in the door when you close it/your wife's tights "run" and have to be changed at the last moment/the cat rushes into an inaccessible corner where you can't let her remain/you spill coffee all over the carpet.
[ 26. February 2014, 07:07: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]
Posts: 9750 | From: The other side of the Severn | Registered: Sep 2009
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
...your wife's tights "run" and have to be changed at the last moment...
Anyone wearing tights on the way to a job interview will know that you always need to pack a spare pair in your handbag, just in case.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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