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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: All dressed up and nowhere to go
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Charlie-in-the-box
Shipmate
# 17954
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Posted
I converted to my faith after 16 year old son died in a tragic car accident. I suffer with bipolar disorder. I didn't learn much about what the Church believed. I was a former ordained clergy in another faith and had been raised in that faith all my life. I can say I've never experienced more pain, abuse, alienation, and misunderstanding in my life since converting to this newest faith. I genuinely tried to believe/be/do what everyone pressured me to but I just didn't believe a lot of what was taught. I have had a clergy blow up at me and due to that no one at the parish wanted to talk to me. I was having problems with some spiritual wrestling and things I didn't agree with and I kept asking him what to do and he blew a gasket and screamed at me. I felt like I just withered inside and slowly began to hate myself more and more. I had continuous panic attacks as a result. I watched people who said they loved and cared about me walk away because if the pastor didn't like me then they didn't either. I spent hours hating myself, damning myself, never feeling good enough. I tried to pretend I agreed with the Church but I don't. I really don't. I got to the point where the anxiety attacks were so bad I had to leave 1/2 way through the Sun service. I had gone to a new church in the same faith but was too terrified to reach out. I was alone, isolated, depressed, and frustrated. I have medication I can use for panic but it is highly addictive, plus I can't drive when I take it because it makes me feel loopy.
I am a social worker with the homeless and always tell them that no one should ever take their dignity away. I try to help them feel loved and wanted. I then realized that I would have never allowed any of my homeless clients to be treated this badly. I would have recommended they leave a year or two ago. This has been torture and I need to leave. I feel no connection and no longer want one. I am not looking for a new church because I don't really want to go to church at all. I still pray and read devotional literature but I am too badly burned to open up to anyone and feel relief that I'm not having panic attacks in church any longer. I would go home and sob for hours. It was very depressing and I felt I was sinking into a deep black abyss of self-hatred and it was very bad for my mental health. I had no self esteem left at all. I blamed myself for everything and hated that I wasn't good enough like everyone else at church.
I have already left and I feel that it will take awhile but I am using affirmations and prayer to try to rebuild the destruction the churches have done to me. I don't know what was worse, being attacked at the 1st parish or being invisible at the 2nd parish. I know when I was being ripped up I became very suicidal. I don't need or want this any longer. I told someone I was leaving and I was told, "Go ahead and leave. I'm sure a grateful convert will take your place." Well take my place, I'm finally going to have peace.
Has anyone else left a faith and didn't want to go anywhere else? What works to develop your spirituality and growth without "formal" religion? Just curious if others are in the same boat. If I had to pin down where I am I'd say agnostic. But I am hurting and need time. ![[Paranoid]](graemlins/paranoid.gif) ![[Waterworks]](graemlins/bawling.gif)
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Charlie-in-the-box
http://rosarygirl1962.blogspot.com/
Posts: 55 | From: Island of Misfit Heretics | Registered: Jan 2014
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SvitlanaV2
Shipmate
# 16967
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:
I converted to my faith after 16 year old son died in a tragic car accident. I suffer with bipolar disorder. I didn't learn much about what the Church believed. I was a former ordained clergy in another faith and had been raised in that faith all my life. I can say I've never experienced more pain, abuse, alienation, and misunderstanding in my life since converting to this newest faith.
It sounds as if things have been very tough for you indeed, and it's very sad to hear read about what you've been through.
It would be easy to complain about the response from the clergy in your new faith (Catholicism?) and I'm sure many will. To be fair to the clergy, they probably assume that anyone who converts is a 'believer' - i.e. someone who feels an affinity with the teachings of their church. If you converted for other reasons of your own that might be hard for them to understand - especially for an authoritarian body such as the RCC. Also, I suspect that they've had little if any training in being helpful to someone who has a bipolar disorder.
Many people convert having made friends in the Church, friends who can support them spiritually and emotionally. It sounds as if you've never had that kind of network, which is a great shame. IMO the clergy, especially male clergy, aren't the best people to fulfil this role. I've found older Christian women to be the most supportive to me. It doesn't matter who we confide in, but do we really need to get into the situation where we're arguing with the clergy about our faith and our choices? What's the point of that?
I admit I'm not a RC, so what I've said might not be relevant to you at all. It's sadly ironic that you were inspired to join one of the strictest denominations, although there are plenty of more tolerant, less visible and less glamorous ones which would have allowed you more leeway. That's often how it goes, I think. I wish you all the best.
Posts: 6668 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2012
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Charlie-in-the-box
Shipmate
# 17954
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Posted
Thanks, I really just want to withdraw and heal. I feel so pent up, like I just want to be held like a little kid and bawl my eyes out. I can't say why I joined or what my reasoning is, and I prefer to keep the denomination out of it, because I think any church could be substituted here. I'm not angry at at the denomination. I was just really pounded on and feel totally unwanted. I just feel hurt and not sure where to turn. I don't want to find what agrees with me, I just want to avoid it right now and wonder if others have left a faith community and what they did to heal/grow.
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Charlie-in-the-box
http://rosarygirl1962.blogspot.com/
Posts: 55 | From: Island of Misfit Heretics | Registered: Jan 2014
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Welease Woderwick
Sister Incubus Nightmare
# 10424
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Posted
Another social worker here, now retired.
Long ago and in a land far away I left a church, not a particularly strict or defined one but certainly an intolerant one and I spent three years in the wilderness before I joined my current faith community. In those three years I took no real part in any church activities but I did get involved in social action stuff, in my case it was the 1980s and I got involved in the peace movement, and built up a network of friends who had no intrusive interest in my spiritual life - I have some of those friends still and the pause allowed me to re-evaluate and, eventually, move on.
Give yourself time, it does heal eventually.
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I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.
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Posts: 48139 | From: 1st on the right, straight on 'til morning | Registered: Sep 2005
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
I left the church with no desire to ever return into the fold of any church.
I have retained - and strengthened - my faith by doing so.
Yes, the church system can be very abusive. That is not faith, that is not what Christianity is about.
You might find my website has some useful resources to help you understand how you can continue without the system.
[ 17. June 2014, 07:33: Message edited by: Schroedinger's cat ]
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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Thyme
Shipmate
# 12360
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
I left the church with no desire to ever return into the fold of any church.
I have retained - and strengthened - my faith by doing so.
Yes, the church system can be very abusive. That is not faith, that is not what Christianity is about.
This.
Occasionally I have to have contact with the church and I am always relieved that I have chosen not to be part of it anymore.
I still have many Christian friends so I am not lacking in Christian fellowship. Some go to church, some sit fairly lightly to it, and some don't go at all.
I am involved with non-denominational, ecumenical, open groups and find that a better way.
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The Church in its own bubble has become, at best the guardian of the value system of the nation’s grandparents, and at worst a den of religious anoraks defined by defensiveness, esoteric logic and discrimination. Bishop of Buckingham's blog
Posts: 600 | From: Cloud Cuckoo Land | Registered: Feb 2007
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Piglet
Islander
# 11803
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Posted
Reading these posts makes me realise that I'm one of the lucky ones. For the last 35 years or so I've been able to express my faith, in churches that suit me, and in a way that suits me (through choral singing).
Having said that, ISTM that there's nothing wrong with expressing your faith somewhere other than through "organised" religion: your profession strikes me as being an act of faith in itself. I'm reminded of a lady back home whose family were nominally members of the Cathedral congregation, but not regular attenders; she used to spend her Sunday mornings bringing lunch to an elderly lady who was housebound, which to my mind was expressing her faith through "good works".
And, if you decide one Sunday (or Christmas*, or whatever) that you want to attend a church service, then do - there's no need to get "involved" if you don't want to.
* Most churches (especially cathedrals) will actually expect their congregations to be swollen at Christmas (and Easter) by people that they don't see at any other time.
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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music
Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006
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Nenya
Shipmate
# 16427
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Posted
My situation is slightly different in that I am still part of a church. It is conservative evangelical, adjectives which used to describe me but do so no longer; I continue there because I care about the people and because it's an important part of Mr Nen's and my life together.
I spend as much time as I can with the few kindred spirits that I do know, and go on retreat as frequently as possible. Books are also faithful companions.
My heart goes out to you, Charlie-in-the-box. ![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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They told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
Posts: 1289 | Registered: May 2011
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Charlie-in-the-box
Shipmate
# 17954
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Posted
Thanks so much for the awesome comments. I love holiday services but I think, at least for now, I just need a major break from organized church. I am in such a state of panic and fear that I wouldn't be able to appreciate any attempts to help me feel welcome. Thanks for your support. ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
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Charlie-in-the-box
http://rosarygirl1962.blogspot.com/
Posts: 55 | From: Island of Misfit Heretics | Registered: Jan 2014
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comet
Snowball in Hell
# 10353
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Posted
hey Charlie, nice to see you again!
I'm with you. I do go to church occasionally, but it's mostly to make my family happy, once every few months or so. I'd be happy to go to Meeting, but we don't have that regularly, here.
So what I do is try for a weekly "Meeting" of my own - an hour of reading and meditation all on my own and uninterrupted. The readings come from anywhere, but have to be meant to feed my soul. it's often an interesting combination of CS Lewis, Thich Nhat Hanh, and the Bhagavad Vita.
I get away from everyone, turn off all electronics except for an alarm - set for an hour - and read for a bit and then sit in silence. it is very rewarding. something to consider.
[ 18. June 2014, 16:54: Message edited by: comet ]
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Evil Dragon Lady, Breaker of Men's Constitutions
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.” -Calvin
Posts: 17024 | From: halfway between Seduction and Peril | Registered: Sep 2005
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