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Source: (consider it) Thread: Good2Go - The sexual consent app
lilBuddha
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# 14333

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A new app is designed to prevent miscommunication in a sexual encounter.
The requester of sex hands the requested their mobile with questions to determine the level of consent. No, Yes, but we need to talk and Up for it.
Watch the vid contained in the link.
I appreciate the intent, but, like the author of the article, I much doubt its efficacy.
What do you think of the app? No, Yes or do you want to talk about it?

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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou

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orfeo

Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878

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If you can't open your mouth to discuss these things, taking into account the specific context and the specific people involved, I very much doubt that a set of predefined options in an app is going to solve your problems.

It is hardly a situation where forcing people to place themselves in a neatly boxed category is a good idea!

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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.

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Highfive
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It's too easy for the guy to delete the app from his phone and deny ever showing it. The app should at least be something the girls offers and use some notification technology to warn a designated best friend or something.
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Gee D
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# 13815

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I imagine that the man* would want to keep any evidence that bolstered his case that there was consent, and thus he would be unlikely to delete a "yes" answer, nor anything following which would support an argument that the woman was sober enough etc to give a valid consent. The evidence he would want to delete would be a refusal, or which showed that an apparent consent was not real. If that were deleted, a jury might well argue that at the very least there was nothing there which improved the man's case.

One positive step this might have is to slow things down a bit and get the parties to think a bit more.

[*I know my first para is expressed in heterosexual terminology, but applies with appropriate changes to all other forms of engagement.]

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Not every Anglican in Sydney is Sydney Anglican

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Alex Cockell

Ship’s penguin
# 7487

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Why is there so much mistrust between the sexes?
Posts: 2146 | From: Reading, Berkshire UK | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
Jane R
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# 331

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lilbuddha:
quote:
What do you think of the app? No, Yes or do you want to talk about it?

How about a fourth option - "Men* who can't do anything without their mobiles really creep me out"?

*or women, of course... shouldn't assume this app is only meant for men, though it seems likely.

Oh, and in answer to Alex's question: if somebody asked me to formally register my consent to having sex with him beforehand it would ring all sorts of alarm bells. Consent can be withdrawn at any time; anyone who does not understand that and isn't prepared to negotiate during the encounter is... let's say *unlikely* to be a considerate partner.

[ 01. October 2014, 12:32: Message edited by: Jane R ]

Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
orfeo

Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878

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Yes, it's a fairly fundamental bit of law that you can initially consent and then withdraw consent. Or that you can consent to certain things and not other things.

Heck, I'm quite certain that I've consented to engage in sexual activity with someone and then indicated that I don't want to do a particular sexual activity. What exactly is this app supposed to be indicating consent to? Straightforward missionary position?

[ 01. October 2014, 14:43: Message edited by: orfeo ]

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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.

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lilBuddha
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I think that is what the "yes, but we need to talk" option is for.
But the process is unrealistic. "Yes, I agree to that" can change to "but not like that" in the middle of sex.
And that is assuming good intention to begin with. I think the app solves no problem, I can think several scenarios where it goes wrong and I haven't really made an effort to do so.

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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou

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itsarumdo
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It's a great chat up line

"I have this great new app on my iPhone - check this out!!!!!"

"Hey Cool - what does it do..?"

"It asks a set of questions to find out whether you will consent to having sex - there's even a video demonstration to make sure you're not dyslexic LOL"

That must enter the hall of fame along with "If I told you you have a beautiful body - would you hold it against me?"

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"Iti sapis potanda tinone" Lycophron

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no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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I think a broader conversation might help before people joyfully (or not) rub and frot their bacon against one another.

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Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/

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Lamb Chopped
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I'm trying to imagine the girl (or guy) who says no to sex. "Oh, okay, I'm all right with that," says the app owner. "Just type your name and contact information into this app on my phone so I have a record of your No."

Not happening.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Anglican't
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# 15292

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It's also presumably no proof of anything?

1. Get girl hopelessly drunk
2. Carry her into the bedroom
3. Lay her on the bed
4. Take off her clothes
5. Take out mobile phone
6. Hold her hand and make her finger press the relevant buttons in her semi-conscious state.
7. You're good to go...

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saysay

Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645

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OMFG.

Someone thinks this might reduce miscommunication?

Is it just me or was, um, s-e-x never mentioned once in this supposed foolproof app?

If someone handed me a phone and asked me to pick one of the three options regarding 'are we good to go' I'd probably pick yes without realizing we were talking about potential sexual activity.

Thanks, lilbuddha, for telling us to watch the video.

I'm reminded of a screaming crying fight I once had with a guy (who I'm still friends with) who insisted that by accepting his invitation to Prom I was agreeing to have sex with him. I was insistent that agreeing to go to Prom with him did not mean that I agreed to have sex with him after the Prom because it was Prom, not my wedding night, and no everyone in the world does not know that agreeing to go to Prom with someone means that you're going to have sex with them later.

(We're still friends because he eventually came around to my way of thinking, it just took a lot of yelling and tears).

What new lows could we as a society possibly sink to next?

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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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AFAIK, you don't need to involve the other person at all. Just enter all the information yourself.

Oh, and the point I was getting at (maybe obscurely) was that if I'm turning someone down for sex, chances are good that he is a creepazoid and the last thing I want to do is give him my contact details. Second to last is to stick around physically long enough to mess with an app. Buh bye.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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saysay

Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645

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quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Oh, and the point I was getting at (maybe obscurely) was that if I'm turning someone down for sex, chances are good that he is a creepazoid and the last thing I want to do is give him my contact details.

I would disagree with that. I've turned down lots of non-creepazoid people for sex, many of whom already had my contact info because we were friends.

I'm just a person who thinks sex should ideally happen within marriage but at the very least should happen within the context of a long-term relationship.

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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."

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saysay

Ship's Praying Mantis
# 6645

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Lamb Chopped, for clarity's sake (since I am sometimes clear as mud), let me say that I'm not disagreeing with you that you might turn down sex with people only because they're creepazoids, but that that might not be everyone's motivation.

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"It's been a long day without you, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again"
"'Oh sweet baby purple Jesus' - that's a direct quote from a 9 year old - shoutout to purple Jesus."

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Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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In that case I was using I to really mean I. As in, LC, a married woman.

So yes, if they're propositioning me, they are de facto creepazoids.

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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mark_in_manchester

not waving, but...
# 15978

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Is it an age thing where one finds oneself, as I do, responding to technological innovation with contemptuous disbelief ("express my thoughts in real-time, in 140 characters or less...who the fuck would want to read that?") - followed by a bemused, belated realisation that the rest of the world just thinks differently ("Prime Minister reacts to furious public-opinion-tweet-storm while forming Important Government Policy").

This feels like one of those moments - I think this could fly, because it looks so bloody stupid to me. It takes all the shit which email did to office life, and imports it into the domain of intimate interpersonal relationships.

So:

Expect soon a "cc:" feature - because it didn't happen unless other people have an electronic record of you making it happen. Preferably large numbers of people. Influential ones.

Shortly after - a "Bcc:" feature - because you'd rather those people didn't get to discuss your performance amongst themselves, and together work out that the thing you said was happening, probably had a lot less significance than you were trying to place on it.

After that - options to change the 'time' features on your device, to make it look like you were making these things happen at times when lesser mortals were watching telly, or having a bath, or going on vacation. Or perhaps auto-send features which could give the impression of activity during periods where you were watching telly, or having a bath, or going on vacation...

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"We are punished by our sins, not for them" - Elbert Hubbard
(so good, I wanted to see it after my posts and not only after those of shipmate JBohn from whom I stole it)

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Liopleurodon

Mighty sea creature
# 4836

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No no no. Just no. This is a terrible idea and based on a fundamental untruth: that consent is confusing and difficult. Frankly, if you're not able to communicate about consent without this app you shouldn't be having sex. At best, this is a massively clumsy and offputting way to deal with a simple issue of communication, and at worst it's going to provide ways for predators to conceal their tracks.

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Our God is an awesome God. Much better than that ridiculous God that Desert Bluffs has. - Welcome to Night Vale

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Marvin the Martian

Interplanetary
# 4360

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I think many people are misunderstanding the "need" this app is meeting. It's not about obtaining consent, it's about obtaining proof of that consent that can be used to defend oneself should the other party regret their actions the next day and decide to call rape.

It doesn't actually work, of course - for plenty of reasons that have already been stated on this thread. But that's why the people who are interested in it will be interested in it. It's a CYA for the nightclub-one-night-stand demographic.

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Hail Gallaxhar

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Jane R
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I don't think I misunderstood it at all; why do you think I said it creeped me out?
Posts: 3958 | From: Jorvik | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Liopleurodon

Mighty sea creature
# 4836

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Yes. That's what it's for. That's why it's creepy, because that's based on a fundamental misunderstanding of what consent is and how it works. Is it not obvious why an app that claims to provide proof of consent when it actually does no such thing is creepy as all hell?

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Our God is an awesome God. Much better than that ridiculous God that Desert Bluffs has. - Welcome to Night Vale

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Marvin the Martian

Interplanetary
# 4360

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quote:
Originally posted by Liopleurodon:
Yes. That's what it's for. That's why it's creepy, because that's based on a fundamental misunderstanding of what consent is and how it works.

The specific fundamental misunderstanding being that consent can be retrospectively withdrawn hours after the event has concluded?

The part of this that I find the most creepy is that apparently enough people are scared of such an eventuality to make it worthwhile developing this app in the first place.

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Hail Gallaxhar

Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged
Schroedinger's cat

Ship's cool cat
# 64

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I find that just approaching girls with my special chat-up line works every time*

"Hello - can I bang you senseless?"

Seriously, if two people can't actually discuss whether they are up for sexual activity, they shouldn't be engaging in it. If the communication is so superficial, or so mixed, then they are not really consenting. They are conceding.

*Never ever.

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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.

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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784

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I remember back when I was young there used to be a fad for guys to hang a Playboy bunny head and ears thing from their rear view mirrors. A few incidents of seeing some of these goofs driving by young ladies of my acquaintance and seeing their looks upon viewing the thing convinced me that it was more of a repellant than an attractant.

So, back to the present time. Someone comes up to someone else and starts staring at their phone and using the app. This is, of course, going to ring the sexual excitement and anticipation chimes of the proposed sexual partner.

Uh huh.

Maybe, but whoever might consent would be someone concerning whom I might want to give a great deal of thought before going further. "Rabbit boiler" is a phrase that comes to mind.

In any event, I get the feeling that the great majority of guys who download the app are only going to seek consent from Rosy Palm and her five lovely daughters.

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Dafyd
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# 5549

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quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
The part of this that I find the most creepy is that apparently enough people are scared of such an eventuality to make it worthwhile developing this app in the first place.

Human beings are notoriously awful at assessing risk: case in point.
Especially when it's actually in their interest to misjudge the risk. It's worth raising the question, who benefits from spreading round the idea that women think consent can be withdrawn after the events?

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we remain, thanks to original sin, much in love with talking about, rather than with, one another. Rowan Williams

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Liopleurodon

Mighty sea creature
# 4836

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quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
The specific fundamental misunderstanding being that consent can be retrospectively withdrawn hours after the event has concluded?

No. The misunderstanding that consent is a one time thing and you're sorted for the rest of the night. Consent isn't an action. It's a process, and it can be withdrawn at any moment. It can't be withdrawn after you've done your thing and parted ways, obviously. It can be withdrawn after using the app, when you realise that what your partner really wants is unprotected sex, or anal sex, or rough sadistic sex that you don't want. Or you become ill or upset and want them to stop. You simply cannot agree to everything that might happen to you ahead of time, but I'm pretty sure that predatory types would use this "consent" as an excuse to do whatever the hell they want.

[ 02. October 2014, 12:19: Message edited by: Liopleurodon ]

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Our God is an awesome God. Much better than that ridiculous God that Desert Bluffs has. - Welcome to Night Vale

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Erroneous Monk
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# 10858

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quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
I think many people are misunderstanding the "need" this app is meeting. It's not about obtaining consent, it's about obtaining proof of that consent that can be used to defend oneself should the other party regret their actions the next day and decide to call rape.


Why would you have sex with someone if you genuinely thought there was a possibility this might happen?

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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.

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Marvin the Martian

Interplanetary
# 4360

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quote:
Originally posted by Erroneous Monk:
Why would you have sex with someone if you genuinely thought there was a possibility this might happen?

That's essentially the same question as "why would you have sex with someone without getting to know them first?" It happens.

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Hail Gallaxhar

Posts: 30100 | From: Adrift on a sea of surreality | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged
no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by Erroneous Monk:
Why would you have sex with someone if you genuinely thought there was a possibility this might happen?

That's essentially the same question as "why would you have sex with someone without getting to know them first?" It happens.
Which is the important question. Phone lovers.

Great coitus incurs great expense.

--------------------
Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/

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Erroneous Monk
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# 10858

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quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by Erroneous Monk:
Why would you have sex with someone if you genuinely thought there was a possibility this might happen?

That's essentially the same question as "why would you have sex with someone without getting to know them first?" It happens.
But there's a cognitive dissonance involved in accepting that they might be going to lie about you afterwards and ruin your life, to the extent that you want them to sign something (electronically) and still going ahead with it.

It's like...supposing I were going to have a consensual one-night stand: I would be trusting that my chosen partner was not going to force me to do something I didn't consent to, e.g. rape me anally.

But surely the point at which it seems sufficiently likely that, absent a promise not to, he will indeed, rape me, that I ask him to confirm electronically beforehand that he won't do that, is also the point at which I think this is a really bad idea, and go home alone instead?

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And I shot a man in Tesco, just to watch him die.

Posts: 2950 | From: I cannot tell you, for you are not a friar | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged
no prophet's flag is set so...

Proceed to see sea
# 15560

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The really big market will be for a flexible phone which rolls up into a dildo or phallus. Electric shock mode in the paid version of the app. The phone ring tone being 'yes, yes, yes', with in-app purchases of politician's speeches about how they're effing us.

--------------------
Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety.
\_(ツ)_/

Posts: 11498 | From: Treaty 6 territory in the nonexistant Province of Buffalo, Canada ↄ⃝' | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged
itsarumdo
Shipmate
# 18174

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I heard of an app that teaches cunilingus - you lick the screen and it tells you whether you're getting it right or not...

(I wish that was a joke, but it's not.)

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"Iti sapis potanda tinone" Lycophron

Posts: 994 | From: Planet Zog | Registered: Jul 2014  |  IP: Logged
lilBuddha
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# 14333

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quote:
Originally posted by itsarumdo:
I heard of an app that teaches cunilingus - you lick the screen and it tells you whether you're getting it right or not...

(I wish that was a joke, but it's not.)

It was written, according to an article in the Guardian, to cause laughter and encourage conversation.

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I put on my rockin' shoes in the morning
Hallellou, hallellou

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itsarumdo
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# 18174

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cool

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"Iti sapis potanda tinone" Lycophron

Posts: 994 | From: Planet Zog | Registered: Jul 2014  |  IP: Logged
Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984

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Surely, you just point the aspirant at half a pomegranate and tell them to eat it without using their teeth ?

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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell

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rolyn
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# 16840

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Ah yes. Two days later he gets it,(with the help of KA and the SoF Quotes file). Oooo you ladies, you're the ones [Hot and Hormonal]

Re OP I can't help thinking so much is heaped on the shoulders of our young one's these days. Esp. recalling the old days when a snog or fumble outside the disco or in the back of a car was simply taken as read.

Today's possible scenario with a consent app might go...
Kiss on the lips -- check
Touch on the knee -- check
Hand on the boob -- check
Hand *down there* -- check
Sexual intercourse -- check
Anal intercourse -- check
BDSM and/or group sex -- check

She says "Shall we just stick to having the coffee?". He replies "Yeah, why not".

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Change is the only certainty of existence

Posts: 3206 | From: U.K. | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged
Alex Cockell

Ship’s penguin
# 7487

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I can't help but think of how in the Green Gables books, Anne had to be talked down by Marilla from potboiler fantasies...

Interesting where Fear of Flying and the "fuck badboys" model popularised in xoJane led us...

Posts: 2146 | From: Reading, Berkshire UK | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
Kelly Alves

Bunny with an axe
# 2522

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quote:
Originally posted by rolyn:
Ah yes. Two days later he gets it,(with the help of KA and the SoF Quotes file). Oooo you ladies, you're the ones [Hot and Hormonal]

Re OP I can't help thinking so much is heaped on the shoulders of our young one's these days. Esp. recalling the old days when a snog or fumble outside the disco or in the back of a car was simply taken as read.

Today's possible scenario with a consent app might go...
Kiss on the lips -- check
Touch on the knee -- check
Hand on the boob -- check
Hand *down there* -- check
Sexual intercourse -- check
Anal intercourse -- check
BDSM and/or group sex -- check

She says "Shall we just stick to having the coffee?". He replies "Yeah, why not".

This remindsme, for some reason, of a scene in some dystopian thing written br Reinaldo Arenas in which spouses of the new revolution are given a sort of litany praising their fearless leaders they are to recite during sex.

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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.

Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged
pimple

Ship's Irruption
# 10635

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There should be an optional reply of "Yes, but not with you fatty/shorty/smelly/dickhead." Preferably ineradicable.

[Just waiting for someone to accuse me of olfactorism[

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In other words, just because I made it all up, doesn't mean it isn't true (Reginald Hill)

Posts: 8018 | From: Wonderland | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged
ChastMastr
Shipmate
# 716

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What an amazingly short list that is. [Biased]

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My essays on comics continuity: http://chastmastr.tumblr.com/tagged/continuity

Posts: 14068 | From: Clearwater, Florida | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged
rolyn
Shipmate
# 16840

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quote:
Originally posted by ChastMastr:
What an amazingly short list that is. [Biased]

Admittedly I forgot to include the oral.

With the advancement of technology maybe in the future it'd be easier to programme a sex robot to do all the things a person wants done.

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Change is the only certainty of existence

Posts: 3206 | From: U.K. | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged
Alex Cockell

Ship’s penguin
# 7487

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It does seem a rather arse-about way to change a cultural narrative though. reversal of consent after the fact does put a spanner in the works of what has been a whole progression based on go-no-go decisions.

But beforehand it was all based on a linear progression - what IS the functional relational model now?

Posts: 2146 | From: Reading, Berkshire UK | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
Leorning Cniht
Shipmate
# 17564

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I'm not sure I follow you here, Alex - it sounds like you're trying to talk about a process that goes: "I consent to X" - X happens for a while - "I consent to Y" - a bit of Y happens as well, and so on.

Which is OK, but I get the impression that you don't have quite the right model. You seem to be describing the consent to X above as an irrevocable consent to carry act X through to fruition. It's not.

Any party can withdraw consent to X at any point. This isn't retrospective - somebody telling you to stop doing X has no implications for the X that you were doing 5 minutes ago (well, maybe it means they didn't enjoy X much, but ...), but it does mean that you have to stop doing X now, even if you really really want to carry on.

So if A consents to sex with B, and in the middle of sex, B does something that A doesn't like, it is entirely possible that A might change his mind and tell B to stop. If B stops, there is no problem. If B continues trying to have sex with A, B is a rapist.

Posts: 5026 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged
Alex Cockell

Ship’s penguin
# 7487

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All I know is I understand the old monogamous world.. I don't understand this new one. At all.

I remember the linear progressions in Joyce Huggett books and the like - and where go-no-go points were.. and what about stuff like the point of no return?

I just don't understand any of it now - all I know is how babies are made.

Speaking as a 43 year old virgin who is now mentally lost - and cannot logic it out. Was so much easier in the 70s and early 80s.

How do you progress from acquaintance to committed relationship now?

[ 08. October 2014, 21:13: Message edited by: Alex Cockell ]

Posts: 2146 | From: Reading, Berkshire UK | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
Alex Cockell

Ship’s penguin
# 7487

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I understand the progression as was known in the 80s...

Someone said something about putting back standing consent elsewhere maybe...... I'm lost.

Posts: 2146 | From: Reading, Berkshire UK | Registered: Jun 2004  |  IP: Logged
Eutychus
From the edge
# 3081

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hosting/

Alex, I am reiterating my warning on the other thread here. There is some sympathy on board for your sense of being lost in a culture you find hard to understand, but Purgatory is not where you will find yourself, or the solutions to your individual issues. This is not the right place to focus on them.

The Ship's FAQs say
quote:
The Ship is not an adequate stand-in for counselling services. Posts which seek to elicit such responses are strongly discouraged, and repeated posts along those lines will be deleted.
Your posts are being deemed to be along these lines, and this is me as a host strongly discouraging you from continuing to post in this fashion in line with that policy.

[ETA: other posters are also advised to consult the relevant section of the FAQs about how to respond - and how not to respond - to any such posts]

/hosting

[ 08. October 2014, 21:58: Message edited by: Eutychus ]

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Let's remember that we are to build the Kingdom of God, not drive people away - pastor Frank Pomeroy

Posts: 17944 | From: 528491 | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged
orfeo

Ship's Musical Counterpoint
# 13878

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I would think there's probably about the same amount of monogamy as there ever was.

Make of that statement what you will, but to me, a past where everyone was in stable committed relationships and a present where everyone is engaged in casual hook-ups are both myths.

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Technology has brought us all closer together. Turns out a lot of the people you meet as a result are complete idiots.

Posts: 18173 | From: Under | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged


 
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