He goes to the Protestant minister who lays hands on the hood and prays, "Bless, O Lord, this shiny new Cadillac!"

The man then goes to the priest, who sprinkles it with holy water and prays over the new car in Latin.

The man then takes it to the rabbi, who prays over the car in Hebrew...and cuts off two inches of the tailpipe.
 

"Well, you can have the old rite if you want it, Pat," Father replied, "but it's so cold and formal! Now, with the new rite, there is warmth, and love and real participation! So, in your place, I'd take the new one." Ever obedient to the clergy, Paddy agreed.

On the day of the wedding, Paddy was driving to the church alone when one of the tyres on his car went flat! He removed his jacket, shirt, and tie, rolled his trouser legs to the knees, and fixed the tyre. By then, he was quite late (and fearful Brigid would think he wasn't going to show after thirty years!), so he put his clothing to rights quickly. Though all else was fine, Paddy did not realise that his trouser legs were still rolled.

Paddy rushed in to the church, quite breathless, and Father O'Farrell, seeing the state of his attire, called out to him, "Paddy! Pull down your trousers, now."

Indignant, Paddy replied, "Father, I'll take the old rite!"
 

To which the Christian replies,

"Well, we may have taken the ten commandments from you, but you can't complain that we kept them."

(I hope I understood correctly - you did want the worst religious jokes we knew - didn't you?)
 

A Bhuddist, a Hindu, a Sikh, a Jew, and a Catholic all fall out of an airplane without a parachute. Which one hits the ground first?

Well?

Think?

Different Religions?

What is the fundamentalist answer?

Are you there yet?

Or do you need more help?

The answer is ..........

A) Who cares, they are all going to Hell anyway.
 

'God, why is it. Why is it that we have sandwiches every day and they have 7 course meals?'

'Because my Child. I can't be bothered cooking just for the 2 of us.'
------

And one from Dave Allen:

The visitor to Hell is shown the terrible torment of the inhabitants there: they have 4 ft long ladles fixed to their hands and try to take stew from a great pot. There is frenetic activity, wailing and anguish because the ladles are so long that they cannot get the stew into their mouths and slop it everywhere and over themselves.

The visitor is then taken to Heaven, where surprisingly, the inhabitants have the same ladles permanently fixed to their hands - but they sit calmly around the stewpot in a circle and feed each other...
 

My joke:

Q. What do dyslexic agnostic insomniacs do all night?
A. Lie awake trying to work out whether there's a dog!!!
 

He see's a parrot in a cage, the burgular goes up to the parrot and asks "did you just say that?" the parrot answers "Yes" The burgular laughs and says "Whats your name then?" and the parrot replies "Moses"

The burgular laughs again and says "Who would give such a stupid name to a parrot?"

The parrot replies "the same people who would call a bull dog Jesus.
 

Peter is checking the records on the first man and says, "Sir, it says here that you were a bit too fond of your drinking. so much so that you ended up marrying a woman named 'Brandy'. I am sorry, but we cannot let you enter."

The second couple then stand before Peter. Again he checks the records and says to the man, "Sir, it says here that you were taken with the accumulation of money, and were overly greed. Indeed, it seems you even married a woman named, 'Penny'. I am sorry, but you, too, must leave."

The third man turned to his wife and said, "Well, Fannie, ...."
 

A group of people arrive at the same time at the Pearly Gates and are processed by St Peter. The first one approaches him.
"Religion?" St Peter asks.
"Anglican" comes the reply.
"Right, here's your harp, you're in room 3, but be quiet as you pass room 11."
The person trotts off and the next one comes up to St P.
"Religion?"
"Baptist"
"Right, here's your harp, you're in room 16, but be quiet as you pass room 11."
Off he goes, and the third approaches.
"Religion?"
"Islam"
""Right, here's your harp, you're in room 5, but be quiet as you pass room 11. Next!"
"I'm a Humanist"
"Right, here's your harp, you're in room 7, but be quiet as you pass room 11."
The final person comes up to St Peter.
"I'm Anglican too, so I'll be in room 3, " she says, "But why do we have to be quiet when we go past room 11?"
St Peter hands her a harp and replies:
"That's where the Catholics are, and they think they're the only ones here."
 

He called Karl Rahner into the "side chapel" first. Five minutes later, Karl emerged, near tears, and said, "How wrong I was!"

Hans Kung was next. Half an hour later, he emerged, quiet and humbled, and murmured, "How wrong I was!"

Ratzinger was last. Six hours later, Peter emerged, sobbing "How wrong I was!"

----
This joke was popular in certain RC circles during the 1970s, when taking the name of Vatican II in vain to justify the ...strange was popular.

Whenever anyone reaches heaven, he has the option of choosing any saint he wishes as a mentor to show him around until he's used to the territory. When Pope John XXIII arrived at the pearly gates, Peter informed him of this custom, and asked who he'd like to have for a mentor. Peter mentioned that, since admissions had been really low for the past few years, there was quite a selection available.
"The Holy Spirit, " replied John.
"The Holy Spirit!," thundered Peter. "No one has ever asked for Him! Do you know what his schedule is like... no, it would never do!" But John was adamant.
Finally, Peter said that, though the Holy Spirit was likely to be quite angered by John's insistence, he'd present the request.

"Holy Spirit," Peter began, "There is a new arrival who wants you for his mentor. I did tell him it was out of the question - but he was so insistent!"
The Holy Spirit was quite outraged. "Who is this?"
Peter answered, "He says he's Pope John XXIII."
The Holy Spirit looked puzzled. "Pope John XXIII... name isn't familiar... Ohhhhhh yes, now it strikes me! He invited me to an ecumenical council a few years back. I remember it well, because I couldn't make it."
 

The farmer can't offer them parts for the car nor any room in his house for the night but does offer to let them spend the night in his barn.

Well, two decide they'd rather sleep in the car, one in the front seat, one in the rear...the other will have to sleep in the barn.

So they draw straws and the Muslim loses and off to the barn he goes.

But a few minutes later, he comes back to the car and says: "Fellows, I can't sleep in that barn. There are DOGS in that barn. Dog's are unclean. I can't sleep with dogs. Please don;t make me sleep with dogs!"

So the other two draw straws, this time the Jew loses and off to the barn he goes.

A few minutes later the Jew comes out and says: "Fellows, I can't sleep in that barn. There are PIGS in that barn, Pigs are unlcean. Please don't make me sleep with pigs!"

So they all agree that the lawyer should spend the night in the barn instead.

The lawyer heads for the barn.

A few minutes later the dogs and pigs come out....
 

Once Santa was having a really bad day.

Mrs Claus had a headache
The elves local went out on strike
Rudolph got the runs on a test flight over Albuquerque

And then the door opened and golden light shown in and there was the cutest angel you ever saw, dragging in a Christmas Tree.

"Where do you want me to put the tree?", she asked.

And that`s the story of why we have angels atop our Christmas trees.
 

Next day, one of Katie's friends, who'd learnt of the toast from her own husband, congratulated Katie on Mike's having raised such a flattering salute to her.

"Aye, and I wish it were true," sighed Katie, "But really it only happened twice - once before we got married, and once after. And the second time I had to wake him up when it was all over..."
 

Three men, a rabbi, a Hindu priest and a lawyer, are walking along a country road when it becomes dark. They stop at a farm house and ask for lodging. The farmer agrees, but adds that he only has two spare beds, so one of the men must sleep in the barn. The Hindu agrees. The others go to bed.

A while later there is a knock at the door. It's the Hindu. "I am very sorry, sir," he says to the farmer, "But there is a cow in your barn. Cows are sacred to me. I cannot sleep with them." The rabbi volunteers to take his place.

A short while later there's another knock. It's the rabbi. "Sorry, gentlemen, but there is a pig in the barn! They're not kosher, so I can't sleep there." After much hemming and hawing, the lawyer agrees to replace the rabbi.

A few minutes later there's ANOTHER knock on the door. It's the cow and the pig...
 

(u really need the healing impression to finish this one, but u get my drift...)

 

The Benedictine crossed himself, said, "Long live work and prayer!," and jumped into the ocean.
The Dominican said, "Long live Truth!," and jumped in.
The Franciscan said, "Long live God!" - and threw in the Jesuit.

-----

Dan wasn't the best of drivers, and, after one especially devastating collision, was shocked to see that it was Father O'Connor who was the driver of the car he'd smashed!

"Danny!," cried out the shaken and wounded priest, "You almost killed me!"

"There, there, Father," soothed Danny. "Keep yourself calm, now. It happens I have a bit of whiskey somewhere here... let me get a bit of it for you."

A while later, a bit pacified, Father O'Connor added, "Well, Danny, that was a foolish thing you did, but Lord knows we all make mistakes. Would you be joining me in a bit of the creature now - you yourself had quite a shock?"

"Oh, no, Father," Danny replied. "Since you're the one who got the worst of it, it's you who should be relaxing with the whiskey. I'll just sit here, now, and wait for the police."

----
An Augustinian, Benedictine, Dominican, and Franciscan were arguing amongst each other about which of their Orders had done the work most pleasing to God. It was becoming rather heated, and finally, before it disintegrated into a major unholy row, they decided to join in prayer and ask God to reveal His own choice.

Shortly afterward, a parchment drifted from the sky. On it was inscribed, "My sons, do not fight amongst yourselves! All of you are equally pleasing to me!" Signed: God, SJ

---
The following joke is absolutely terrible, but I include it because, when I once told it to a parish housekeeper, Mary, her response was far funnier than this horrid joke. For the rest of this to make sense, I must add that Mary, easily the best cook and housekeeper on earth, was a lady to spout much woe, and, in particular, to tell everyone, in detail, about the pain she suffered from her corns. The joke:

John was the sort of man who found that any decision he made was a disaster. He was relieved, on the occasion when he needed to take a flight to Brussels, that there was only one available. No decisions means no bad luck... or does it?

During the flight, the aircraft had major problems, and John was to find that he was dropping through the air, no parachute, hurtling to the ground! In desperation, John called, "Saint Francis, Saint Francis, help me!"

A big hand came forth from the sky and caught John mid-drop. "Oh, is that you, Saint Francis?"

A voice replied, "It is, my son, if indeed you have called upon me."

John sighed, "Oh, thank you, Saint Francis!"

The voice continued, "But one question first. Did you ask for Francis Xavier or Francis of Assisi?"

When I told this to Mary, she replied, with total frustration and disgust, "It's no use talking to Saint Francis! Do you know how many times I have told him about the corns on my feet?!"
 

A week later, Smythe made his annual call on a very poor parish, and noticed another of the gold telephones there. He inquired if this was another line to heaven, and was told indeed it was. Again, he asked if he could use it, and was told that he was welcome to do so, but could he please leave a donation of 50p.

"50p? When I used the same telephone at another church, it cost me 50 thousand!"

"Yes, sir, we know - but, from here, it is a local number."
 

An hour later, the Anglican said that he was getting hungry, and offered to go get lunch. He stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, walked to shore, picked up the picnic basket, and walked back. The Campbellite hardly noticed. The Baptist was dumbfounded.

A while later, the Baptist figured that if the others could do it, so could he. He announced that he was feeling a bit chilled and needed his jacket on shore. He stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, and promptly sank to the bottom.

As the Baptist came up sputtering, the Campbellite looked at the Anglican and said, "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"
 

Sieg
 

1 MAJOR GUFFAW,
3.5 chuckles
& a sneaky SNIGGER...

 

Well, the Angel of Death came back, totally wide-eyed, and said, "Sir, I've been on this job for over 6,000 years, and this is the first time God has OK'ed carry-on luggage! He said you could have 2 suitcases." So the old man puts his hands on the two suitcases of gold bullion, and he and the Angel go up to the pearly gates.

When St. Peter saw them approaching, he said, "No carry-ons." But the old man insisted that St. Pete contact God, that they had permission, and the Angel of Death confirmed it. St. Pete, still skeptical, picked up the golden telephone and before he asked the question, God granted permission for two suitcases for this particular soul.

WELL! St. Peter said to the man, "Look, I know it's none of my business, but I am SO curious--do you mind if I look in your bags." Smugly, the old man opened them both. St. Pete looks into one, then the other, then at the old man. Totally astonished, he says,

(Ready?)

"You brought PAVEMENT?????"
 

So the jews can't hide in the corner.
 

"Jump you Protestant bastard, jump!"
 

"Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"He's been known to play the fiddle a bit, Father, but I've never heard him practising on any connubial."

"Do the two of you have a grudge?"
"Grudge? No, we have a car port."

"What is it then, that you want to divorce him?"
"Father, one just cannot have an intelligent conversation with the man!"
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Peregrinner:
Why are synagogues round?

So the jews can't hide in the corner.

---

I appreciate a good joke as well as anyone (posted several here myself) but this one is not only not funny, I find it offensive.

Substitute "churches" for "synagogues" and "Christians" for "Jews" and you will see what I mean.
 

I don't get this one at all. You'll have to explain it, Mr Campbellite.

I loved the one about synagogues though...
 

Sieg
 

OK, I'm nipping this in the bud before it gets out of control. Granted, it wasn't the most appropriate joke for Heaven, but let's assume it was a lapse of judgement and not intended in malice.

Peregrinner--I wasn't thrilled with this joke, but I tried not jumping to conclusions and wasn't going to interfere. Please learn from this.

<HOST HAT OFF>
 

A man rushed into confessional and said "Father, I slept with three women last night!"

"That's horrible," said the priest. "Are you married??"

"No, and I'm Jewish, but I had to tell somebody!"
 

Jesus hit his ball next and it headed to the very same lake, except it landed and floated right on top of the water. Jesus walked on the water right up to it and splashed it up onto the green.

Next the old man drove his ball and it went into the same lake where it was swallowed by a frog, then spit out of the lake, hit a tree, picked up by a bird and dropped lightly into the hole. An incredible hole-in-one.

Moses leaned over to Jesus and said, "Man, I hate playing with your dad."
 

The priest says "Well, I put a box on the floor. Then I toss all the money we've collected up in the air. Whatever lands in the box, that's what I live on."

The rabbi adds "I do almost the same thing, except I draw a circle on the floor with a piece of chalk. What lands in the circle is my salary."

The TV evangelist has his turn: "Too complicated! Why mess with boxes and chalk? I just toss all the money way up in the air, and whatever God doesn't grab, it's mine!"

Another:
A man dies and goes to Hell. As he is getting a tour he sees a group of people being boiled in oil, and asks what they had done wrong. "They're Jews who ate pork," replied the Devil.

The tour continues into a room where people are being whipped mercilessly by little demons. "Catholics who ate meat on Fridays during Lent," the Devil explained.

The third room contained people who were sitting in a kettle of boiling oil, AND being whipped. What was THEIR sin? "Anglicans who ate their dinners with salad forks."
 

A few days later he cut the hair of a Rabbi, and again waived payment. The following morning he found a hamper of Kosher delicacies on the doorstep with a card 'Many thanks from Rabbi Rosenberg'.

Several days later he cut the hair of the Baptist minister, and yet again declined payment. The following morning he found on the doorstep a queue of twelve Baptist ministers

**************************************

Then there was a Catholic priest on a train with a Rabbi. This being a Virgin West Coast train from London to Manchester, it came to a halt somewhere in Staffordshire for two hours, and the clerics reached the point where they were sharing confidences like old friends. 'Tell me, Rabbi', said the priest, 'just between ourselves, have you ever eaten bacon?' 'Well, Father, I must admit that I did once try some. Just to satisfy my curiosity, you understand. And while we are sharing our most intimate secrets, have you ever given into the temptation to break your vow of chastity?' 'Well, Rabbi, I must admit that I did, just the once, to satisfy my curiosity, you understand'.

There was a reflective silence for a moment, then the Rabbi commented, 'Beats the hell out of bacon, doesn't it?'

****************************

One day while walking down the street a highly successful woman lawyer was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

'Welcome to Heaven,' said St. Peter. 'Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in.' said the woman.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.'

'Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in heaven'

'Sorry, we have rules...'

And with that St. Peter put the lawyer in a lift and it went down - down - down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice bloke and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the lift. The lift went up - up - up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. Now it's time to spend a day in heaven.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

'So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.'

The woman paused for a second and then replied, 'Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.'

So, St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went down - down - down back to Hell. When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. 'I don't understand,' stammered the woman, 'yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'

The Devil looked at her and smiled. 'That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff.'
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
One from the Old Boards...

A man rushed into confessional and said "Father, I slept with three women last night!"

"That's horrible," said the priest. "Are you married??"

"No, and I'm Jewish, but I had to tell somebody!"

---

You went and used the 'J' word again! Tell me why your joke is so much more acceptable than Peregrinner's.

Please save this thread from earnest political correctness, otherwise it won't be worthwhile. And keep on posting Peregrinner.
 

A carpenter dies and goes to heaven...
One day in Heaven, Jesus is letting in the people. At a certain moment, an ancient man with a beard that touches his feet is trying to go inside. Jesus stops him and says, "Excuse me. Where are you going?"
The old man replies, "I'm going inside, if that's okay with you."
"You must give an account of yourself before I will let you in," Jesus answers, "so what have you accomplished in life?"
"Well, I was a carpenter, and I did have a son -- who I want to see so very much..."
"Tell me about him," Jesus says.
"Many books have been written about my son", the man explains.
This starts to ring a bell with Jesus. He thinks, "Could this man be Joseph?"
Jesus then asks, "Was there anything unusual about his birth?"
"Why, yes," says the old man. "I wasn't strictly his father in the biological sense -- he was born in, ah, a supernatural way."
"Really?" asks Jesus. "Tell Me more."
"Well, he left home and I never saw him again."
Jesus pauses. "Did he have any distinguishing characteristics?"
"Well -- my son had nails pierced through his hands and feet."
Jesus can't hold back His tears any longer. He spreads His arms and cries, "Papa!"
The old man looks Him in the eyes and exclaims, "Pinocchio!"
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fiddleback:
You went and used the 'J' word again! Tell me why your joke is so much more acceptable than Peregrinner's.

Please save this thread from earnest political correctness, otherwise it won't be worthwhile. And keep on posting Peregrinner.

---

In my mind, the punchline relies on the person being non-Catholic. The actual religion of the confessor is irrelevant, so this joke isn't making fun of the person for being a Jew. You could use a baptist, but I think it works a bit better if the person isn't associated with any Christian church, since many non-Christians don't distinguish between denominations/sects.
Besides, I wouldn't be surprised if this joke originated with one of our many Jewish comedians.

Sieg
 

----------------------------------------

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister were having a picnic one hot summer's day, and decided as there was nobody around, and a lake nearby, to go skinny-dipping.

They leave their clothes and vestments on some bushes, and jump into the lake.

Just then several vans drive up with ladies from each clergyman's congregation. The priest and the minister run helter-skelter for their clothes, shielding their private parts with both hands. The Rabbi strolls casually over to his clothes, shielding his face with his hands.

When they are all dressed and back at a cafe in town talking about their experience, the priest and the minister turned to the rabbi and said, "Why did you hide your face instead of your private parts?"

The Rabbi says, "Well obviously I can't speak for you gentlemen, but the ladies of my congregation would recognize my face, not my privates...."

--------------------------

Four rabbis were arguing about whose interpretation of the Torah was the correct one. It was three against one. Finally the one said, "If my interpretation is correct, may Ha-Shem confirm it himself!"

Just then a voice came from the sky, "Why do you three argue with my beloved rabbi, whose interpretation is the correct one?"

The three said, "Okay, now it's three against TWO."

--------------------------------

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam were talking about their experiences of the miraculous. The imam said, "I was lost in a terrible blizzard, and prayed to Allah to save me, and all around me for 100 yards it was as warm as a spring day. I made it back to my house and thanked Allah for his great mercy."

The priest said, "I was rowing in a boat when a squall came up and threatened to capsize me. I prayed out to Jesus Christ, and all around me for 100 yards it was as calm as a still morning. I rowed safely to shore and thanked Jesus Christ for his great mercy."

The Rabbi said, "I was walking to synagogue, when all of a sudden I saw a twenty-dollar bill on the ground. I couldn't pick it up because that would be doing work on the Sabbath. So I prayed to Ha-Shem, and all around me for 100 yards it was Tuesday...."

---------------------------------

Rdr Alexis
 

The minister argued eloquently that life begins at birth.

The Priest argued that the teachings of the Church made it clear that life begins at conception.

The Rabbi replied, "you both have it wrong! Life begins when the last child moves out and the dog dies."
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fiddleback:
You went and used the 'J' word again! Tell me why your joke is so much more acceptable than Peregrinner's.

Please save this thread from earnest political correctness, otherwise it won't be worthwhile. And keep on posting Peregrinner.

---

Though I think humor suffers from belabored explanations, I'll help you out, Fiddle and others. There is a very easy rule of thumb about such jokes, laid out by Miss Manners (etiquette writer Judith Martin's nom de plume)

Peregrinner's joke was quite offensive because it was a joke told about an identifiable group, by an outsider to that group, based on (long-standing) negative stereotypes of that group.

Bel's joke is not offensive by that standard, because although it was told by an outsider, is not based on any negative stereotype about that group, and in fact, the group identification of the subject of the joke is essentially irrelevant -- the subject merely had to be someone who wouldn't be in any way obligated or accustomed to go to confession.
 

I should, however, have noted that, Fiddleback, there is no need to incite peregrinner to "keep on posting" in the same vein, which smacks of trolling, based on your well-known feelings about what you call "political correctness". I do hope peregrinner will indeed keep posting, but in future avoid the type of offensive humor I described above. As you'll note, in any case, nobody thought it was funny. Most people have internalized the "no nasty ethnic jokes by outsiders to the subject group" rule I described above.

And, dear Fiddleback, if you wish to argue against Political Correctness in general, you know very well that Heaven, on a joke thread, isn't the place for it.

Administrator Hat /Off
 

St. Peter turns to the first blonde. "What is the importance of Easter?"

She says, "That's when everyone gets to wear masks and cool costumes and people give you candy when you go door to door."

St. Peter pushes a button and activates a trap door, and asks the second blonde, "What is the importance of Easter?"

She replies, "Easter is a big religious holiday, and we go shopping at great stores and wrap up cool presents and give them to each other. But I forget why that is religious, sorry."

St. Peter pushes the same button and asks the third blonde, "What is the importance of Easter?"

She replies, "Oh, this is very important. Jesus died horribly on a cross to save us from our sins, and after he died he was put into a cave-tomb thing, with a big rock in front," and at this point St. Pete begins to reach for a halo and harp, but the blonde continues, "and the angel rolls the stone away, and if Jesus sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of winter."*

* If some of you don't know about this, it's an American folk holiday. On Feb. 2nd, if a certain groundhog in Pennsylvania sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter. It's called Groundhog Day.
 

At this, Dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute. How come you called God, 'Howard'"?

The little boy looked up and said, "That's waht they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name'".
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by RainShowers:
A daddy was listening to his child start his evening prayer, "Dear Howard...."

At this, Dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute. How come you called God, 'Howard'"?

The little boy looked up and said, "That's waht they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name'".

---

Of course, in Britain He's called Harold

Reminds me of the fact that when I was little I was convinced that at the end of the readings everyone said "Thanks Peter God". It was only after bothering to look at a service book that I realised they were actually saying "Thanks be to God"!
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Laura:
Administrator Hat Still On

I should, however, have noted that, Fiddleback, there is no need to incite peregrinner to "keep on posting" in the same vein, which smacks of trolling, based on your well-known feelings about what you call "political correctness". I do hope peregrinner will indeed keep posting, but in future avoid the type of offensive humor I described above. As you'll note, in any case, nobody thought it was funny. Most people have internalized the "no nasty ethnic jokes by outsiders to the subject group" rule I described above.

<snip>

Administrator Hat /Off

---

I supppose I should really let this subject die, but I have to go on the record as saying that I found the joke amusing, so it is not true that "no one found it funny".
I also took it as generic (i.e., not depending on the Jewish reference to make it funny); perhaps because I have known of many non-round synagogues, not to mention quite a number of Christian churches which didn't have corners, so I just took it as a joke about religious people, *any* religious people, wanting to hide from God. (And don't we all have that urge at times?)
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by RainShowers:
The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name'".

---

In his young days as a naval officer Lord Louis Mountbatten was given command of HMS Wishart after having commanded HMS Daring. He took some of his officers and crew with him to the new ship and there is an (allegedly true) story that, having previously served in a ship with the heart-stirring name of "Daring", they were a little disappointed that their new ship was called "Wishart" (named after a fairly obscure British Admiral). Mountbatten, hearing of this, said to them that while HMS Daring had a fine name, they should be proud that their new ship was named after Almighty god himself,

"Our Father Wishart in heaven".
 

The Assembly of the Uniting Church was in session when the fire alarm sounded.
The ex-Methodists cried, "Wait, we must form a committee to see that all is done in decency and order!"
The ex-Presbyterians shouted, "Save the Offertory Plates!"
The ex-Congregationalists said, "Every man for himself!"

A doctor, an architect and a civil servant were debating which of theirs was the oldest profession (that is, after that other one which is almost universally agred to be the oldest!)
The doctor said, "When God removed the rib from Adam in order to create Eve, there would have to have been a doctor in attendance at that operation."
The architect replied, "But God would have needed the services of an architect when he first planned to create the world out of chaos."
"Ah!" said the civil servant, "but you know, where there is chaos, there must always be a civil servant!"
 

St. Peter takes the book which lists everyone who's supposed to get into
Heaven that day with him to the bathroom to have something read.

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from earth to heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus explains that he doesn't have the book but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be admitted to heaven.

Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to let him in based on the story.

The man explained "In English my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the world; he was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavoury characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My biggest single reason for trying to get into heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Are you MY Father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus and asks, "Are you Pinocchio?"
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by sarkycow:

or an alternative...
How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three; one to change it, and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!!!!

---

I believe HT had quite a good take on this a while back.
One to call the electrician,one to mix the martinis and one to whinge about how much better the old light-bulb was.....
Of course this is all very well,but nobody's considered the feelings of the light-bulb.I mean the light -bulb has really got to
want to change......
 

---------------------------
An old shul in the East End and the ladies decide to clean and polish it. Afterwards, they put up a notice saying, "No Spitting!" Next Shabbas an old man comes in and mutters, "What! have we gone Reform!"
 

A Baptist sacristy has a picture of Jesus.
An RC sacristy has a picture of Mary.
An Anglican sacristy has a full-length mirror.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ultraspike:

An Anglican sacristy has a full-length mirror.

---

Of course.,.....how else are you going to check that you're robed correctly?

 

First, to believe in Santa
Second, to want to be Santa
Three, just kinda looks like Santa.
 

One man, very firm in his faith, climbed to the roof of his home. Two men in a rowboat (punt) came by, and said, "We have room, get in, we can take you to safety." The man on the roof refused, saying, "I trust in the Lord, and the Lord will save me."

Later, a motorboat with other refuges came by, and offered him the last seat, but he declined, saying, "I trust in the Lord, and the Lord will save me."

Day turned into night. The waters rose more and more. The man was forced to hold onto the chimney to keep from being tossed into the water. A helicopter with a search light came along. The pilot saw the man, and the co-pilot threw a rope ladder to him. "CLIMB UP! WE WILL TAKE YOU TO SAFETY" came the message from the loudspeaker. "I TRUST IN THE LORD, AND THE LORD WILL SAVE ME!" the man on the roof shouted back. The helicopter stayed there for a few minutes more, hoping he would change his mind, but they finally banked away to look for other survivors.

The night dragged on. Finally, the man on the roof was so exhausted that his hands slipped and he fell into the water and drowned. His soul left his body and he travelled to the very throne of God.

"Why didn't you save me?" the man cried out, in front of the angels and saints. "I trusted you!"

God shrugged. "I sent you two boats and and helicopter. What more did you want?"
 

***********

And God said to Moses, “Keep taking the tablets”

***********

And the Profit said, “Go forth and multiply…..or words to that effect.”

***********

Happy New Year!

 

You can't change that, my grandmother donated it in 1957.
 

Silently he descended the stairs and searched in the darkness.

Sure enough, in the dining room, he saw a man rummaging through his silver drawer.

The Quaker aimed his rifle, turned on the lights and said, "Pardon me, friend. I wouldst not harm thee for anything, but thou standest where I am about to shoot."
 

Why won't a premillenial dispensationsist go to the dentist?

They refuse to say "ah".

Remember, an explanation would only spoil the humor.
 

The Bishop was dying. Due to his weakness, his doctor gave strict orders that he receive only the most important visitors. Many distinguish clergymen and parishioners were turned away. The Bishop, however, insisted on seeing an old friend who was now a militant atheist.

After a brief visit, the atheist wondered aloud why he, out of all the Bishop's friends, was admitted.

"I'm sure I'll see all my other friends in Heaven," said the Bishop. "This is the last chance I have to see you!"
 

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tanned, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gill B:
A barber had just opened up his new business. One of his first customers was a Catholic priest, and he declined payment from him. The following morning he found a bottle of wine on the doorstep with a card 'Many thanks from Father Flanagan'.

A few days later he cut the hair of a Rabbi, and again waived payment. The following morning he found a hamper of Kosher delicacies on the doorstep with a card 'Many thanks from Rabbi Rosenberg'.

Several days later he cut the hair of the Baptist minister, and yet again declined payment. The following morning he found on the doorstep a queue of twelve Baptist ministers
(Groan....bad joke....)
**************************************

One day while walking down the street a highly successful woman lawyer was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

'Welcome to Heaven,' said St. Peter. 'Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in.' said the woman.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.'

'Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in heaven'

'Sorry, we have rules...'

And with that St. Peter put the lawyer in a lift and it went down - down - down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.

In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice bloke and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the lift. The lift went up - up - up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. Now it's time to spend a day in heaven.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

'So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity.'

The woman paused for a second and then replied, 'Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.'

So, St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went down - down - down back to Hell. When the doors of the lift opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. 'I don't understand,' stammered the woman, 'yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.'

The Devil looked at her and smiled. 'That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff.'

---

I have always heard this joke told as " Bill Gates dies and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter says you have done both good and bad things...so we are letting you tour heaven and hell. He went to hell and he saw beautiful beaches and women and computers and loved it. He went to heaven and spent time there. When SP asked where he wanted to be, he said hell. Sp said Ok. A week later, Bill is in anguish and being tortured. Where are all the beaches and women? he asked. The devil laughed. That's just a screensaver.

(ps. Jesus is always a better computer techie because Jesus saves! )
 

"Sweetheart, this is GORGEOUS!," the Mrs exclaims. "Such wonderful fine leather. How could you afford such elegant material?"

"Easy, I saved my tips."
 

A man is travelling through a Jewish area when his watch goes wrong. Seeing a shop with a lot of clocks in the window he goes in and asks for his watch to be repaired. "I'm sorry," says the shopkeeper, "I'm not a watch repairer, I'm the local moyle" (see above joke). "Well why have you got clocks in your window then?" asks the traveller. "What would you put in the window?" replies the moyle.

BTW did you realise that the purse in Mr Tyndale's Ghost's joke was a magic purse?

Rub it gently and it turns into a suitcase...
 

'Well, every time you preached a bad sermon, I put an egg into the box'.

He decided that seven duff sermons in the course of his long ministry was not bad going, and felt rather cheered at the prospect. 'And what about the £350?' he asked.

'Well, every time I got up to a dozen I sold them.'
 

Sadie is complaining to Sam one night that they never travel. "Every week I go to the mah jong game," she says, "And all the girls are bragging about the great places that they've been to. Sylvia's just been to Jerusalem. Sarah's just gotten back from Tokyo. And where do we ever go? The Catskills!"

Sam offers a solution: "Listen, sweetheart, you know we cant afford any fancy trips right now. But here's what I'll do. Right next to my office is a travel agency. I'll go in and get you some brochures. You can read them, and pretend you've been to the places they describe!"

Sadie agrees to try this, and Sam brings home a thick stack of booklets about Italy. Next week at the mah jong game the following dialogue takes place:

Sarah: "So, Sadie, where did you and Sam go last summer?"

Sadie: "Funny you should ask. We took a tour of Italy!"

Sarah: "Really, tell me about it."

Sadie: "Oh, it was SOOOOOOO gorgeous. And we even got a chance to see the Vatican, and to get an audience with the Pope!"

Sarah: "I am SO JEALOUS! So, tell me, Sadie, what's he like."

Sadie: "Oh, he's a wonderful man. His wife, though, I could do without."
 

It's the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by sarkycow:
How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
CHANGE?!?!?!?

or an alternative...
How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three; one to change it, and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!!!!

---

Actually, it only takes two: one to fix the gin, the other to telephone the electrician.
 

There is a little known addendum to the gospel story of the woman taken in adultery. Jesus said, "Let those who are among you who are without sin cast the first stone!"

Suddenly, a single stone came hurling through the air, and Jesus, puzzled, looked at the source.

"Oh, Mum!....."
 

(This is bad.)

An Amish drive by shooting.
 

Does God have net access?
If so what ISP would he use?
 

When he got to the pearly gates, the recording angel asked for his name - to which he replies "Jones - Dai".

"Dai bach, you're just in time for Choir practice, come on in!"

Dai is now in heaven, literally, singing his heart out. The heavenly choir has 10,000 sopranos, 10,000 altos, 10,000 basses and Dai is the only tenor! St. Peter is taking the rehearsal, but after a few bars, he taps his cloud of a music stand and says:

"Will the tenors please make a little less noise."

No comments from tenors please, I'm one myself!
 

One day a electrician died and went off to heaven. When he got there St. Peter was at the Pearly gates, he was looking flustered and told him, "I'm sorry but we have had our fill of people today and seeing as you are noone special we will have to send you off to hell, maybe try again in a few days time" So off he went to hell. When he got there it was hot and horrible, typical hell. He went up to the devil and asked "Can i start doing this place up a bit 'cause it aint half a dump". The devil gave him permission and so off he went. A few days later God and the Devil were having a phone conversation (without Bob). The devil was speaking "Oh remember that electrician chap you sent down a few days ago as you were full up, well he has been very useful down here. Oh yes, we have air conditioners everywhere and have vaccum cleaners getting the place tidy, fridges and freezers are in all of the houses now. Thanks very much for giving him too us."
God cut him off at this point "Hey listen up, i think i want some fridges around here. I want him back"
Devil: "Tough he is staying here he is too much of an asset."
God: "I take you to court"

Devil: "Oh yeah, and where are you going to find a lawyer?"
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Holier than thou?:
I really must say that the Amish one was a little unfair, i mean at least all of the others so far insulted have an opportunity to answer back! Actually they do have an ISP but it is Amish Off Line (AOL) which seems to be specifically designed to inhibit the use of technology!

Does God have net access?
If so what ISP would he use?

---

I'm going to put Amish links on the Resources for Hell thread, just for fun...
 

Am-lettes
 

when was the first cricket match?
when peter stood up with the eleven and was bold.

did you know snogging was mentioned in the bible?
when john the baptist took his honey and nectar.
 

Q: What's the difference between God and Tony Blair?
A: God doesn't think he's Tony Blair
 

Fr Ross was in the confessional on a Saturday afternoon (a long queue outside, of course) when Peg entered. They chatted a bit after she made her confession. Peg had been away from the parish for an extended period of time, and mentioned that she'd become a professional gymnast. Father commented that he'd always found that sort of work fascinating.

"Well, then, Father," said Peg, "Take a peak out - I'll show you a bit of gymnastics." She exited the confessional, and began to do some handsprings in the aisle.

Mrs Reilly, next on the queue, moaned to the lady next to her, "Ooooooh, sure and look what penances Father is giving today, and me without me knickers on!"

----
This really happened, but sounds like a joke, so I'll include it.

Eleanor had been hearing various "ways of devotion" from other married ladies of her acquaintance, some of which left her puzzled about how to always do what is most perfect. She asked her (our) pastor if it was all right for married couples to have sex before receiving Communion.

His answer, "So long as you do not block the aisles."
----
Another stupid confessional joke - and I heard this one from a bishop!

A priest who was hearing the confessions of children heard six boys in succession say, "Bless me, Father, I have sinned - I threw peanuts in the lake." He naturally was puzzled, wondering why that would be considered a sin by the children.

Another boy entered the confessional next, and Father wearily said to him, "I suppose you are going to tell me you threw peanuts in the lake as well!"

"No, Father," came the response, "I'm Peanuts."

-----

I know that at least one or two others on the Ship are of Italian parentage, and, though they are the only ones who'll catch this joke, I thought it was worth posting. (It indeed is religious - the southern Italian religious practise is primarily centred on marriage and family obligations.)

A married Italian couple were having a dreadful row, and had reached the point of hurling insults at one another.

The husband stormed, "If you don't stop it, I'm going to tell people that you had sex with me before we got married!"

Wife responded, "You do that, and I'll tell them you weren't the first one!"
 

Sam was feeling guilty about something, so he decides that he will go to confession and talk to a priest, even though he is not Catholic. The priest tells him, after hearing the confession, to pray a certain number of rosaries.

Cut back to the bar. Sam is exiting his office, rosary in hand, talking with his Catholic co-worker, Carla. He says, "So I have to say all that on each of these beads?"
She replies,

"Hey, this ain't a religion for wimps!"
 

What is the earliest ever reference to a see-saw?

Psalm 114v.3 (psalter)
 

Joseph served in the courts of Pharaoh.

well his triumph was heard in the hills!
 

Father: "So, what do you do?"

Fiance: "Sir, I am a scripture scholar."

Father: "Very noble, but how will you be able to support a family?"

Fiance: "I have faith that God will provide."

Father: "You're very devout, good. But what about if your wife is unemployed. How will you feed the two of you?"

Fiance: "God will provide, I am sure."

Father: "But what about children? How will you be able to support them, as well as my daughter?"

Fiance: "I am very confident that God will provide for us."

At that point the daughter comes into the room, and she and her fiance go out for the evening. The parents are left alone.

Father: "Our daughter must have been saying a lot of great things about me."

Mother: "How can you tell?"

Father: "Why, he thinks I'm God!"
 

The Mechanical Engineer insists that God must also be a mechanical eng "look at the body - its an amazing machine".

The Electrical Engineer disagrees and proposes that God must be an electrical eng - "Look at the body - its an amazing electrical circuit, all those pulses flying around neural systems"

The Civil Engineer however feels that they are both wrong and that God must clearly be a civil eng "After all, who else would build a waste pipe through the middle of a recreational area?"

Elsi (the wastewater engineer )
 

On the way to the parent's house he decides to stop at a chemists to buy a little 'something for the weekend'.

The pharmacist approaches him as he's trying to make his purchase and offers help. The young man discusses the various options with the pharmacist and on stating that his girlfriend is rather adventurous and has quite an 'appetite' he takes the pharmacist's advice and buys several boxes of different varieties.

The young man continues on his way and arrives at his girlfriends house. Once all the family arrive they settle down to eat. As they are about to start the mother suggests they all bow their heads to say grace.

Long after the others have finished the young man's head is still bowed and he appears to be muttering in quite feverish prayer.

When he is still praying a few minutes later and the situation is becoming a little awkward, the girlfriend leans over to him and whispers: "you never told me you were so religous."

To which the young man hisses back "and you never told me that your father was a pharmacist..."
 

Unfortunately, the crowd that I hang with most of the time won't get the Jesuit jokes--darn!
 

A man who had put off his conversion till the end of his life (in order to die in baptismal innocence, of course) was being baptised very close to in extremis.

"Do you renounce Satan?," he was asked.
The dying man paused for a moment, and said, "Father, at this point, I'd best not be making any enemies."
 

"Sure", she says, "What do you need me to do?"

"Well, Elsie, You know that loose brick in the mantlepiece? Pull it out, and behind it you will find a lock box with the things I indend to take with me."

Elsie goes to the mantle, and sure enough there is a loose brick hiding a lock box. She comes back to his bed and asks, "What do I do with it?"

The old man says, "Go up to the attic, and put in on the window sill. I will take it with me on the way to heaven."

Elsie goes up the the attic, places the box on the window sill, and returns to her dying husband's side.

A few days later, the old man dies. In the midst of the funeral and family gathering, she forgot all about the lock box.

About a week later, after all the relatives have gone home, she remembers the box, and wonders to herself if the old goat really had figured out a way to take it with him.

She goes bakc up to the attic, looks at the window sill, and sure enough, the box is still there!

"Darn it!" she says to herself, "I KNEW I should have put it in the basement."
 

"Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?" asks the gunman.

"Neither, I'm Jewish" replies the man.

"Well, are you a Protestant Jew or a Catholic Jew?"
 

Wanting to be helpful, the young curate leans over, and says "'I believe in God', sir".

The priest smiles, and says "So do I, my boy, so do I."

=================

The Vicar stands up to start the service, but it's clear the congregation can't hear him properly, and the churchwardens are doing nothing to help. So he raises his voice a little and says:

"There's something wrong with the microphone"

to which the congregation reply:

"And also with you"
 

A: 8 cum spir 8 2 2 0 !

Chukwuma for ABC ! The C of E could use a little exorcise.

(btw... exorcising the CoE might not go down too well...)
 

A hoary & feeble Latin pun, but one that I enjoy !!

My REAL choices for ABC are London & Stepney; London would continue the "R.C." pattern: Ramsey, Coggan; Runcie, Carey; Richard Chartres.

"Flecte quod est rigidum;
Fove quod est frigidum;
Rege quod est devium."

--Stephen Cardinal Langton, 12th century ABC
 

The proprietor was very flattered to be asked, and proceeded to make the best pizza of his life. When he got into the delivery truck, however, it wouldn't start. He called a taxi and jumped in. When they got to the Vatican, the cabby said, "I won't wait for you unless you pay for the ride so far."

Oh, no! The pizza man had no money with him, and it was all in the safe at the restaurant, which has a time lock, even if they want back and the pizza got cold, he still couldn't get any money! He explained this to the cabby, and the cabby said, "OK, but you have to give me ALL of the money you get for the pizza, and if the pope gives you anything extra, like a tip, I get half of that." The pizza man agreed.

The pizza man rang the bell, and an aide to the pope greeted him. The pizza man asked if he could hand deliver the food, and he was granted permission.

He came out of the papal residence, so very happy to have been in the presence of his holiness the pope, and got into the taxi without a word. The cabby says, "Hey, what about payment?" and the pizza man gives him the whole price of the pizza, still without speaking. "Hey, where's the tip? Didn't the pope give you anything extra for coming out so late? I get half of that, you know!"

"Oh, yes," said the pizza man, and putting his right hand high in the air and bringing it down, he said, "En nomine patri, et fili."

(I hope I spelled the Latin correctly! You have the visualize the punchline.)
 

A Quaker walked into a bar and said:
 

You wake up in the middle of the night to find a question mark burning on your lawn.

---

Jesus is at prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane. "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me."

"Sorry, my son," says God, "I'm afraid I can't do that. But you know what, I'm going to give you a choice. You can choose how you're going to die: you can either be crucified, or stung to death by a swarm of killer bees."

So Jesus sits there in agony, thinking it out. Crucifixion or killer bees? Crucifixion or killer bees? Finally He makes up his mind. "All right, Father," He says. "Let it be---crucifixion."

"Right," says God, "off you go." And Jesus goes off to die on the cross, be buried, descend to the dead, rise on the third day, and ascend into heaven, where He and God live happily ever after.

And you know, we should all be very grateful that things turned out in this way, because otherwise during the liturgy we would have to say:

[teller of joke starts swatting the air frantically] In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit!
 

"Haw, Rev" she ventures "D'ye want super sex?"

"No thanks" he replies " I'll just have the soup, if it's all the same to you"

PS. [read it aloud if you don't get it!]
 

The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."

They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling.
Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."

The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I reallllly get it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

====
A young girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me
two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."

====
I know, this one is the worst of all, but, again, blame my friend from Kerry!

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said
breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British
captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I
haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"
 

The Norse god Thor was fed up. He had been in Valhalla for hundreds of years, and had had all the goddeses there were to be had, and all the Elven women of Asgard. So, for a change, he thought he would go down to Midgard in search of a mortal woman.

So, in a great thunderstorm, he landed in the mountains of Norway. He wandered down till he caught sight of a fair shepherdess. He hurried towards her. He could see the look of surprise, then gladness, as she beheld his approach, for being a god, he was a strong and handsome fellow. He beckoned to her to follow him to a woodland clearing, which she did.

For quite a long while he cavorted with her (being a god, it was for more than ten minutes!). When they had finished, he thought that he had better tell her who he was,
“ I’m Thor!” he announced.
“Tho am I, but I’m thatithfied!” she replied.
 

The priest lived a good number of years and finally passed on, and a new priest was appointed.

After a few weeks, the new priest paid a visit to the mayor. "You've got to do something about the pavement, Mr. Mayor. I'm alarmed at how many parishoners report to me that they've fallen of late."

The mayor figures out what is happening and howls with laughter.

Says the priest indignantly, "You wouldna think the problem was so funny when I tell you your own wife has fallen twice this past week!"

====

A new novice was summoned by her Mother Superior to assist the aged Sr. Maureen on her daily round of errands in the local village. Young Sr. Brigid studiously noted each road and stop they made as they pedalled their way about, on the convent's two ancient bicycles.

Upon heading back to the convent, Sr Brigid took the lead, only to find that a road they had taken was now impassable. Sr Maureen tells her not to worry, she knows another way, so off they go careening down some obscure back roads in a manner that makes young Brigid very concerned. Somewhat breathlessly she calls out to Sr Maureen "I've never come this way before".

"Don't you be alarmed now" says Sr. Maureen " 'Tis those lovely cobble stones....."

I am not suggesting that I understand this one.
 

A year passes and the young man seethes with frustration, but finally, with joy and relief, he makes it to Easter Sunday, enters the abbot's study, and says, "This."

A second year goes by, Easter comes again, the brother goes to see the abbot and says, "Food."

A third year goes by, Easter Sunday comes and he tells the abbot, "Stinks."

The abbot frowns at him and says, "You know, you've been here three years, and all you've done is complain."
 

Because his bid was so low, he had to take a few shortcuts. He used the cheapest paint he could find, and then cut it with turpentine.

The painter was up on the scaffold, and had nearly finished the job when a big storm could arose. There was thunder and lightning, and a blinding flash of light as the man was knocked to the ground and all the work he had done was washed from the steeple.

Then a great voice from the heavens spoke to him, "Re-paint, and thin no more!"
 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a deep voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of his predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, "it would be hypocritical to ask me to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw...brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food that I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.
 

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?'

'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'

Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'

The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
 

When the son returns from Israel he announces to his father that he has become a Christian.

Isaac goes to the synagogue and prays: "God, I have spent all my money giving my son a good education and now he goes to Israel and becomes a Christian"

A voice comes back from heaven: "Isaac, I know how you feel, it was the same for me!"
 

"So what are the Dominicans about, anyway?" he asks.

The Dominican replied "The order was set up by St Dominic to counter the Albigensian heresy."

"And what about these Jesuits I`ve heard about?"

"Oh, they were set up in response to the Protestant Reformation."

"So.. which would you say is the better order?"

"Well, put it this way.. How many Albigensians have you seen recently?"
 

The young boy had just come home from Hebrew School. His father asked him what he'd learned that day.

The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"

The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised"; but the answer was still "Yes."
 

You can't ...... you can't cross a scalar and a vector.
 

[UBB Code edited]

[ 24 January 2002: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

"My karma ran over your dogma."
 

CS Lewis was once asked who he would like for company, if he was to be exiled on a
un-inhabited island.

His answer; "I take an liberal-theologian for company!

"But, I thought you hated liberal-theology?"

"Yes I do, but he´s the perfect entertainement!"

"How?"

"Easy, you ask him a theological question, when you got your answer, wait 15 minutes, and ask the same question again... Then you get a new answer...
 

Q: Why is there a hole in the roof of Texas Stadium?
A: So God can watch His team play.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ultraspike:
Q: Why is there a hole in the roof of Texas Stadium?
A: So God can watch His team play.

---

Which also nicely explains why Cricket grounds are always open to the Heavens. Thanks Ultraspike!
 

He threw up his arms in prayer.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by daisymay:
An Orangeman is dying. He tells his family to send for the priest. After querying whether his mind is going, they do so. The priest is brought to the bed-side of the dying man and the others are sent out. after a while the priest comes out smiling. He says nothing. The family rush in and ask what has been going on. The Orangeman says, "I've just been received into the Roman Catholic Church." Shock, horror from everyone present. Then his wife says, "But you have fought these papists all your life!" "Yes," the dying man replies, "better one of them dies than one of us."

---

Ouch! talk about your dark humor.
 

An atheistic scientist was talking with his friend about thewonderful scientific advances that had been made. He sad, "With everything humanity has learned, God is no longer needed!" Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light, and God Himself was standing before them. He looked at the scientist and said,"If I'm so unneeded, then how about a man-making contest?" The scientist arrogantly accepted, and bent over to pick up a handful of dirt. God said, "Hey, wait a minute; you supply your own raw materials."
 

Letter from Grandma

The other day I went to the local Christian bookstore and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly exhilarated that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped on a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I did not notice that the light had changed to green.

It is a good thing that someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked I would never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there the guy behind me started honking like crazy then leaned out of his window and screamed ‘For the love of God go, go!! Jesus Christ go!!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking. I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked a few times to share their love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a ‘sunny beach’.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant he said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well I have never met anyone from Hawaii so I leaned out of the window and gave him that good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing … why, even he was enjoying the religious experience.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended but this was when I noticed that the lights had changed.

So, I waved to all my brothers and sisters and smiling at them. I drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car to get through before the lights changed again.

I felt a bit sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time and blew them a kiss as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
 

On the Sunday the Priest starts off like Ian Paisley at his best(/worst) but halfway through peters out.

After the service the verger asks: "What happened?"

The Priest replies, "Well, it was going fine but when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I left the bike."

-----------------------------------------------

Sent to me by a South African friend:

James(4) was listening to a bible story. His dad read: "The man named lot was told to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
 

An energetic preacher was wried for sound with an old, wire-tethered lapel microphone. As he preached, he gestured enthusiasticly and moved about the platform. At times a gesture would tangle an arm in the mike cord, or the cord would get wrapped around a microphone stand or a piece of furniture. As the preacher continued, he got more excited, and he came down from the platform towards the congregation. Several times, the preacher almost tripped over the cord, and he often came to the end of the cord and was stopped by the tug of the mike cord on his lapel. A young near the front leaned over and anxiously asked, "Mommy, if he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
 

Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "brides of Christ".

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row. The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"

One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Steve_R:
Sent to me by a South African friend:

James(4) was listening to a bible story. His dad read: "The man named lot was told to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

---

In the version I heard, James said, "That's nothing. My mom looked back and turned into a telephone pole."
 

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes
the boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't you start that again".
 

The bishop mourns the loss of his trusted employee and then announces a whole day of interviews to find a suitable replacement.

Candidate after candidate comes to the tower to interview and to demonstrate his skill with the ropes...but the bishop finds them all lacking.

At the end of the day, one last candidate enters, and announces his interest in the position.

"But you have no arms!" protests the bishop.

"That doesn't matter," says the man. "Watch this."

The man backs up, gets a running start, and charges the big bell at full speed, slamming his head into it. A full, rich sound peals out o'er the land. The bishop is impressed, and turns to offer the man the job on the spot -- but the man, stunned by the collision, staggers around and then falls out the window, plunging hundreds of feet to his death.

By the time the bishop reaches the bottom of the stairs, a crowd has already gathered around the body.

"Excellency," someone asks, "who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," admits the bishop, "But his face rings a bell."
 

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am
the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked. "Who is this man?" "I
don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
 

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
 

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused pain relief at the dentist's? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
 

The pun is truly the lowest form of humor. Let's have some more!
 

Which made him a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-plagued-with-hallitosis.
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Pete_I:
Gandhi never wore shoes, which gave him very corny feet. He ate a strange diet of lentils which made him quite weak and also gave him bad breath. And across India he was revered as a great spiritual leader.

Which made him a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-plagued-with-hallitosis.

---

ROFL!!!!

And welcome

Viki
 

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off our car!"
 

A land owner hired a man to split firewood for him. He soon noticed that every time the man swung his axe, he said, "Adam!" The employer was understandably curious, so he asked the man, "Why do you say 'Adam!' every time you swing?" The man answered, "Well, if it weren't for Adam fouling up in the Garden of Eden, we wouldn't have to work for a living, and I wouldn't have to be splitting this firewood."

The employer decided to pull one over on the man, so one morning, when the man showed up for work, he told him, "Now I'm going to be gone today, but you just go ahead and do your work. If you get thirsty, you can help yourself to soft drinks or water from the refrigerator, but don't touch the envelope on the kitchen table." The employer gave some more instructions, then re-emphasized that the man was to leave the envelope strictly alone.

After a while, the wood splitter took a break and went into the kitchen for some water. He noticed the envelope, lying unsealed on the table. He was naturally curious, but resited the urge to peek. As the day went on, however, he kept wondering what was in the envelope, until he finally couldn't stand it. He went into the kitchen looked in the envelope, and found a note that said, "Hello, Adam!"
 

Here is yesterday's Daily Dilbert

Remind you of anyone?
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Pete_I:
Gandhi never wore shoes, which gave him very corny feet. He ate a strange diet of lentils which made him quite weak and also gave him bad breath. And across India he was revered as a great spiritual leader.

Which made him a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-plagued-with-hallitosis.

---

If you try 'hexed-by-hallitosis' it works even better.
 

"I was raised Catholic, so that's the only religion I know about. I mean, the others seem weird. Like Lutherans--what's up with that? Do they worship Lex Luther from the Superman comics?"

 

So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lied or said anything bad about anyone. I have not been too grumpy, nasty, selfish, self-indulgent or greedy. I haven't been impatient,
complained or cursed. I haven't even charged anything on my credit card, and I haven't eaten any chocolate or drunk any gin.

However, in a few minutes I'm going to get out of bed, and I will need a lot more help after that.

Amen.
 

"What's your name?"
"John"
"And what does your father do?"
"He's a lawyer."

"What's your name?"
"Rebecca"
"And what does your mother do?"
"She's a housewife."

"What's your name?"
"Robert"
"And what does your father do?"
"He's a policeman."

"And what's your name?"
"Sarah"
"And what does your mother do?"
"She's a prostitute."

At this, Sister Mary's eyes boggle, and she begins to gasp for air. She stumbles back, leans on the desk for support, and mutters Hail Mary after Hail Mary, until her nerves are calmed. Then, with new resolve, she turns to the child...

"What did you say your mother does?"
"She's a prostitute, Sister Mary."

Sister Mary looks puzzled.

"A prostitute?"
"Yes."

A look of relief spreads across the nun's face.

"OH! Thank heavens, child! I thought you said 'Protestant'"
 

V/ How many Protestants does it take to change a lightbulb?
R/ None. They dwell in eternal darkness.
 

Bernard Matthews says to the Pope "I've always been a big fan of yours, and I am really impressed with all the good work you do.... Now I hear you have been fundraising to fix the Vatican Roof. I have a proposition for you. I will give you all the money you require in return all I ask for is one one little favour."

The Pope intrigued by such a generous offer, enquires "What would that be?"

"All I ask is that you change one word in the Lords Prayer..... 'give us this day our daily bread', to 'give us this day our daily turkey'".

The Pope umms and ahhs for a bit, before saying "I'm not sure the Cardinal's back in Rome will agree".

Bernard Matthews determined to get the deal says "tell you what.... if it would change their minds, I prepared to throw in a years free supply of turkeys for each of the Cardinals as well"

The Pope replies "Well, I can't promise anything, but I'll see what I can do"

The rest of the trip passes without incident, but gives the Pope plenty of time to consider the deal. Upon his return to Rome, his Holiness summons all the Cardinals for a briefing of his visit.

A Cardinal asks "So how was the trip?"

The Pope replies "It was a very good trip. But one particularly memorable part was a meeting with a man called Bernard Matthews"

"Oh, in what way?" asked another Cardinal.

"Well, which would you like first... the good news or the bad news?" The Pope asks.

"Tell us the good news of course!!" they all chorused.

"The good news is that I think I have solved our leaking roof problem!!"

"That is Brilliant. But what is the bad news then?".

"The bad news is that we just lost the Hovis deal!!!"
 

***

Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Episcopalian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Episcopal priest said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

***

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well... are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

***

Q: How many "high-church" Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 58:

Crossbearer
Two torchbearers
Thurifur
Alcolyte to carry new bulb on pillow
Subdeacon
Deacon
Celebrant
50 member choir of men and boys to sing the Service for the Changing of a Lightbulb (1928 BCP, Rite IV)

-- David
Chicago, IL
 

Q. How many Methodists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. CHANGE??!!??