Thread: Heaven: You never see a Jesuit's skeleton in a tree Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :
 
[With apologies to Gin and to all Roman Catholics.]

One late night I heard the heart-wrenching cry of a Jesuit stuck on a third-floor ledge on the building across the street from mine. How did he get there? Nobody's home in that apartment.

What to do? I called the local seminary, but their offices are closed and the voice mailbox for the emergency line is too full for me to leave a message.

The guy at the city's non-emergency help line says the department in charge of Jesuit rescues (there is such a thing?) won't open until 8 AM. Lutherans!

I call 911 to get a fire truck to rescue this poor Jesuit. It's still pouring rain, and he's obviously scared out of his mind. The ledge he's on is barely four inches wide, and it's about 32 feet above the ground. The 911 operator tells me this is not an emergency, and directs me to call 311 before she hangs up. Arrgh.

Finally, I walk up to a nearby Roman Catholic cathedral and explain the situation to the priest on duty. He goes on the PA, notifies the dispatcher, and next thing I know, it's a scene from the movie "The Bells of St. Mary's." Within seconds, about a half-dozen of NYC's finest priests and bishops come running down the stairs, get suited up, and get on their truck. The garage door clatters open, and the truck roars off with sirens wailing, lights flashing, and incense smoking.

I run after them, and get to the scene just a few seconds after they do. They've got their flashlights out, and have located the Jesuit. A bishop turns to me and says, "A Jesuit? I thought you said a cat was stuck on a ledge!"

We finally see the window behind the Jesuit is actually open a few inches. And what does he do after sitting on the ledge and crying for an hour? He naturally gives himself a tongue bath and then goes back inside the apartment and turns on the tv.

The bishop turns to me and says, "There's a reason you never see a Jesuit's skeleton in a tree."

[ 17. July 2004, 03:33: Message edited by: Coot (Such a nice boy) ]
 

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Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 


You don't have enough to do at work...
 

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Posted by Irvin D Yalom (# 2833) on :
 
Fantastic; made me laugh out loud.

[There's another dead bishop on the landing, Dad... looks a bit Bath-and-Wellsish to me.]


Irv.
 

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Posted by Ronist (# 5343) on :
 
Two questions.

1. What sort of drugs are you on?

2. Where can I get some?
 

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Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
I hate to say it, but this is too funny for Hell.

-RooK
Hellhost
 

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Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :
 
OK, for those Shipmates who don't venture into Hell, this thread could be interpreted as anti-Catholic abuse. However, within its proper context, readers will be able to see it for what I intended: harmless fun.
 

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Posted by ChristinaMarie (# 1013) on :
 
Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken! I demand royalties! This is plagiarism!

Anyhow, for a joke to be really funny, it has to have an element of truth about it. Your little story is obviously untrue, as anyone who knows anything about Jesuits knows! Humph!

If a Jesuit really were stuck on a ledge, or anywhere else, all they'd have to do is re-arrange their clothing so their underpants were on the outside of their trousers, then they could just do the Neo thing!



Christina
 

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Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :
 
I'm trying to imagine a Jesuit in black cassock wearing his tighty whities (i.e., briefs or BVDs) over it. What passes for my mind these days is attempting to boggle.
 

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Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
You guys are romantics. Cassocks? All the Jesuits of my acquaintance (and that's a seminary's worth) wear civvies--usually khaki chinos, a plaid shirt (shortsleeved in summer) and, when weather demands it, a casual jacket. They go for flat caps. A well-dressed Jesuit usually looks as if he's heading for the golf course.
 

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Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
So if you see a golfer on a window-ledge...
 

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Posted by Lurker McLurker (# 1384) on :
 
You sometimes see Orthodox priests' skeletons up a tree. Their beards get caught in the branches. Those clean-shaven Jesuits slide right down.
 

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Posted by Seth (# 3623) on :
 
Sometimes Jesuits also have problems with keys getting stuck in the Ignatian...
 

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Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
 
barum-cha!
 

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Posted by Seth (# 3623) on :
 
That was awful,wasn't it?
 

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Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Amos:
You guys are romantics. Cassocks? All the Jesuits of my acquaintance (and that's a seminary's worth) wear civvies--usually khaki chinos, a plaid shirt (shortsleeved in summer) and, when weather demands it, a casual jacket. They go for flat caps. A well-dressed Jesuit usually looks as if he's heading for the golf course.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Ann:
Amos,

Everytime I read your post I see cat flaps. Just thought you'd like to know.

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Hmmm.. you know what this means? Kenwritez is a Jesuit! Don't believe me? Carefully read his signature again...
 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 1059) on :
 
That's two good laughs out of one story!

Imagine Kenwritez (as a Jesuit) on a ledge. Do you have a heart-wrenching cry, Ken???

jj wipes the tears from her face...and immediately starts laughing again...
 

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Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :
 
I'd be the only fat Jesuit in the world wearing Wayfarers, a Hawaiian-print shirt, and New Balance tennis shoes with his cassock.
 

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Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
That's what you think.
 

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Posted by Nonpropheteer (# 5053) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Amos:
That's what you think.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Kenwritez:
my affinity for Wayfarers, Hawaiian shirts, sneakers or flip-flops, and cargo shorts spring forth from an innate hipness from me being born in L.A.

All the native SoCal Shipmates possess this, in varying degrees.

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I do not wear Wayfarers, flip-flops or cargo shorts. I have a pair of sneakers; I wear them on the rare occasions when I get exercise. I have one Hawaiian shirt, bought for Hawaiian shirt day at the office a few years ago. It's one of those tasteful Hawaiian shirts (if a Hawaiian shirt can be tasteful) with a black background and a conservative arrangement of palm branches (if palm branches can be conservatively arranged).

But I was born in Fresno and grew up on the central coast, so I'm not native to SoCal - guess that explains it.
 

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Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by RuthW:
But I was born in Fresno and grew up on the central coast, so I'm not native to SoCal - guess that explains it.

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Yes, but we love you anyway.
 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 1059) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Kenwritez:
Exactly! See, Tom Selleck was costumed for that role, so his appearance is artificial from the get-go, whereas my affinity for Wayfarers, Hawaiian shirts, sneakers or flip-flops, and cargo shorts spring forth from an innate hipness from me being born in L.A.

All the native SoCal Shipmates possess this, in varying degrees.

You can even see a slightly different flavor of this in the native Florida Shipmates.

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Yes, the South Florida contingent to the International Meet last year had their lovely matching Hawaiian shirts. But my wardrobe was rounded out with Saucony sneaks and Ace Hardware $2.99 sunglasses.
 

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Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :
 
I was thinking Florida was more of a hugely fat old Santas with enormous hairy white bellies wearing red Speedos thing, or geezers in Bermuda shorts and black socks, the former kind of exactly not like these guys.
 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 1059) on :
 
Ken, you are a scary guy.

Just let me know where those guys in the Santa Speedos are. Need to make sure they're...ummm...authentic!!
 

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Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 

 

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Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by jedijudy:
Ken, you are a scary guy.

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quote:

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Originally posted by jedijudy:
Just let me know where those guys in the Santa Speedos are. Need to make sure they're...ummm...authentic!!

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Egad! I can see the headlines now: "WOMAN ARRESTED IN MASS SPEEDO GROPING" "BOSTON RACE INTERRUPTED BY CRAZED WOMAN," or, "FL WOMAN HOSPITALIZED WITH FRICTION BURNS ON HER HANDS"


 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 1059) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Kenwritez:

quote:

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Originally posted by jedijudy:
Ken, you are a scary guy.

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Why does everyone keep saying that to me?!

quote:

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Originally posted by jedijudy:
Just let me know where those guys in the Santa Speedos are. Need to make sure they're...ummm...authentic!!

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Egad! I can see the headlines now: "WOMAN ARRESTED IN MASS SPEEDO GROPING" "BOSTON RACE INTERRUPTED BY CRAZED WOMAN," or, "FL WOMAN HOSPITALIZED WITH FRICTION BURNS ON HER HANDS"

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The beards, Ken, the beards!
 

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Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :
 
Well, the Jesuit rescued himself, so he's ok, but a new crisis has arisen, this time in our household.

Our Franciscan won't come out from behind the dryer.

We've tried dribbling his kibble and shaking his favorite squeaky toy to lure him out, but no good. I even put on the stereo a recording of Bishop Fulton J. Sheen's "Greatest Hits," but to no avail.

Anyone have any suggestions?
 

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Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
I have known either of two methods to work.
1) Stop annoying him. Just put his food and water down, make sure he's got a litter tray and clear out. He'll emerge in his own good time. It may take a few days. You kids have got to realize that a Franciscan is not a toy.

2) Rub yourself with tunafish and lie quietly on your back on the floor, with your eyes closed. When you feel that little rough tongue on you, you know that all's well. Don't jump up too quickly though, or you're back to square one.
 

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Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
As you may have gathered, I don't buy the argument that Franciscans are dogs. All religious communities seem to bear a family resemblance to the social life of cats. Oh look--Sister Margaret Mary has displaced Sister Etheldreda from the corner by the Aga.
 

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Posted by Seth (# 3623) on :
 
Stop it Amos,your second suggestion is making my mouth water..
 

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Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
Seth

But suppose for a moment that the analogy was correct. Then the thing to do would be to reach around your appliance and grasp the Franciscan gently but firmly by the scruff of the neck. Bring him out and put a long leash on him--a piece of clothesline with a clip for the collar knotted onto the end will do. You will need to keep him at your side for about the next week, talk to him and handle him a lot, teach him to lie down by you while you work, and, for Christ's sake take him out every hour. He has a tiny little bladder, you know. And by the way, this is what comes of picking the little shy Franciscan in the corner just because you feel sorry for him.
 

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Posted by Seth (# 3623) on :
 
You sound like a man with a lot of good pet-sense,Amos.
 

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Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
Thank you, Seth.
And I hope I have some insight into the religious life...
 

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Posted by Seth (# 3623) on :
 
It does sound like it.They're quite close together,if your theories are right

(I was looking at this amazing dog-training website from an Orthodox monasrey in the U.S recently..)
 

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Posted by Seth (# 3623) on :
 
Here's the link...
 

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Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Amos:
And by the way, this is what comes of picking the little shy Franciscan in the corner just because you feel sorry for him.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Kenwritez:
I was thinking Florida was more of a hugely fat old Santas with enormous hairy white bellies wearing red Speedos thing, or geezers in Bermuda shorts and black socks, the former kind of exactly not like these guys.

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Kenwritez:

If you are going to admire Magnum PI and post links like this, you are invited to send your application to our membership secretary, Sine Nomine. We will be happy to review your application for admission to the Fraternal and Admirable Guy Society. The chair of the membership community, Chastmaster, will be happy to answer any questions you may have.
 

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Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
The trouble with Methodists is the 'singing'. One starts, and pretty soon every Methodist in the neighbourhood is giving voice. Your neighbours are sure to complain.

Otherwise a Methodist would be nice and clean, easy to train, and sociable with other children and their pets. The different types can differ slightly in temperament, though. A Welsh Methodist, a United Methodist, and an African Methodist Episcopal can seem breeds apart. Temperament testing is key, as is the old adage about 'catch him young and train him'. A District Superintendent will be quite unmanageable.
 

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Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :
 
What about spaying and neutering? I know those aren't issues with the Catholic animals, but how does one approach that topic with, say, Methodists or Baptists or Anglicans?

Also, what about proper feeding? Dry kibble or wet food? My dad always taught me to crack a raw egg on top of the kibble as that would give them a shinier, healthier pelt, which I know is seen most prevalently on the Greek and Russian Orthodox.

What's a breed of monastic that is hardy, disease resistant, and is comfortable around children? (I prefer one that doesn't suffer from excessive drooling.) Or ought I to cast my net further afield, say, into the Reformists?
 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 1059) on :
 
A hardy, disease resistant breed would be a Methodist Bishop. But I don't know how they are around children. They are best as a solitary pet, as they tend to plop themselves down with the intention of ruling the roost. (They aren't good mousers either, as I understand their habits. They are better as ornamentals.)

The garden variety of Methodist, however, is eager to please and easy to feed! A casserole or box of fried chicken will please them immensely... plus they are very good with children!

The breed is shrinking as a whole, so you may want to hold off on the spaying and neutering business until you make sure you don't want more than one. Do keep them indoors, though.
 

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Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :
 
A Methodist Bishop, eh? A friend of our family used to own a Bishop, but I don't recall what type. I know it was one of the fattest Bishops I'd ever seen, he was almost spherical! He had a foul temper, forever hissing at strangers, but he loved to bring in whatever he'd killed in the backyard and drop it at your feet, prefereably while you were eating dinner, then sit back on his haunches and look at you expectantly.

One night I stayed over, and went to the refrigerator at midnight for something to drink. I heard a rasping sound, like a crosscut saw being dragged through wet asparagus, and when I turned on the light to investigate, the Bishop was curled up on top of the frig, asleep and snoring! How he'd gotten up there, no one could say.

He loved his little chew toys and commentary sets and process theology library, though. Many's the night we say him writing away on a sermon, only to stop, cock his leg up to his ear and then give himself a tongue bath.
 

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Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
My wife told me I'd enjoy reading this thread and she was right! I laughed like a drain!
 

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Posted by Furry Gherkin (# 5641) on :
 
Gosh...I didnt realise there were so many breeds....Thinking of getting a rare breed....Like a Salvationist...maybe two.........But where can I hide them from Mother...?...


FG
 

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Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
I used to have a Muggletonian, but it died.
 

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Posted by Sparrow (# 2458) on :
 
What about a nun? I understand they're very good with children, and of course she wouldn't need spaying.
 

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Posted by Margaret (# 283) on :
 
I agree that a gentle, well-trained nun would make a delightful pet - but I think you'd need to take care in selecting your nun. Some of them turn out to have a streak of steel which can make them very difficult to handle sometimes.

Has anyone considered some of the more exotic breeds? Hare Krishnas, despite their unusual appearance, are usually gentle, fun-loving and clean creatures, and the fact that they're vegetarians means that they don't cost too much to feed.
 

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Posted by Seth (# 3623) on :
 
A possible explanation for the rarity of nun's skellingtons in trees..
 

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Posted by Madake (# 3343) on :
 
Ken,

You know this, perhaps you have just forgotten. What you want for a family pet is a good hearty pet, one that won't sicken and die easily.

So. What you need is a pet with hybrid vigor, say a child of a Jesuit and a Southern Baptist or perhaps a cross breed between a Franciscan and a Unitarian Universal-ist.

Now of course some of these crosses are hard to come by, but well worth the trouble.

Of course for a fully hardy breed try the Zen-C.o.E.-Hindu/Methodists Seventh Day Baptist,


Reformed (of course)


BTW VERY funny
 

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Posted by JellyHead (# 3880) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Madake:
Of course for a fully hardy breed try the Zen-C.o.E.-Hindu/Methodists Seventh Day Baptist,

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quote:

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Originally posted by Kenwritez:
Excellent idea! (re: mutts)

I've heard from friends that an Orthodox/Southern Baptist is a very hardy mix, easily trainable and possessed of an exceedingly loyal temperament. Can anyone verify this?

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quote:

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Originally posted by Madake:

quote:

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Originally posted by Kenwritez:
Excellent idea! (re: mutts)

I've heard from friends that an Orthodox/Southern Baptist is a very hardy mix, easily trainable and possessed of an exceedingly loyal temperament. Can anyone verify this?

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Ken, I am not aware of anyone that has that breed out here in CA, maybe the liberal coastal climate is too much for them.

You could go for a really rare breed; any Quaker cross or any Branch Davidian cross would be Very Rare! Who knows what qualities you would get though, the BD cross would I think make for more hiding behind the dryer which brings us full circle I think.

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While the BD cross would indeed be *very* rare (except when it'd be well done... ) I lived in Texas duuring that breed's media exposure, and I found them to be extremely high-strung, possessed of an irritating bark. I'm not familiar with Quakers, but their reputation for spending their days lying in a sunny spot is a bit off-putting, as I prefer a bit more activity in my breeds.

I agree w/ saysay; the UU ministers are hopeless as outdoor pets, but I suspect it's due to a genetic trait brought on by too much inbreeding: No spine.

Ideally, I'm looking for a breed with the sophistication of an Episcopalian or even a Presbyterian, but with the Southern Baptist ability to defend itself (minus the barking and drooling, tho) but all with the compatibility of a Methodist.

I've given up on the Orthodox as their coats simply require far too much grooming, and in winter-summer seasonal transitions, they shed copiously! Ditto for Roman Catholics, they seem to have difficulty going away from home for any appreciable distance and they go through chew toys at an amazing rate.

However, someone mentioned Franciscans; as a breed, what are they like? I was under the impression they were passive creatures, like Anglicans. How difficult is it to housebreak a Franciscan?

Southern Baptists, despite their reputation for aggressiveness, are remarkably easy to train and heel to leash quite well, and seem to work well with children.
 

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Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Of course, rarest of all is your Shaker purebred, or Shaker cross.

Of course in Scotland, we have some interesting native breeds. The Wee Freebie is less common than it used to be - semi-feral these days, and a very uncertain temper. The Common Presby is aimable, but a bit toothless. And you can still find a Piskie - but they can be very highly strung, and they are murder on your soft furnishing I believe (they try and wear them).
 

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Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :
 
Mormon missionaries are very popular hereabouts, but they don't do well alone--you really need to get a pair. Also they're very energetic and need a lot of exercise. On the plus side, they're exceptionally trainable, doing very well in obedience trials, and while talkative, they aren't loud. If left fertile, they will produce a litter pretty much every year once they reach maturity.

I'd advise against a Quaker, since while they have gentle temperaments and are quiet and usually easy to get along with, they are virtually untrainable. Just when you think they've learned to stay off the sofa they get a leading and you're back at square one. And walking them is a nightmare, especially if you have more than one--reaching a consensus on left or right at every corner can make a twenty-minute walk take two hours.

Timothy
 

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Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :
 
Well, I went down to the pound yesterday and looked over what they had.

The first one I saw was a hairless Buddhist. He just sat in his cage and stared at me. It would take quite a long time for me to grow accustomed to having one of those in my house!

The second ones I saw were two Anglican ministers, somewhat elderly, typically jowly and with huge, sad eyes. They appeared devoted to each other, sharing without complaint their water bowl, kibble and BCP. However, they didn't seem to have much energy so I passed them by.

I remember one little fellow I saw, a United Pentecostal, who full of zip and energy, yipping and charging across his cage floor back and forth, scattering his newspaper and Kenneth Hagin books. I'm afraid he'd be murder on my furniture, though.

Now, this pound was a bit better equipped than others I'd been to, they even had a small aviary where I saw numerous Episcopalian and even a Roman Catholic priest or two, every one of them a riot of color in their exotic plumage, and all of them crouched on their roosts. For some reason sherry bottles littered the floor of the aviary.

I didn't find what I was looking for, so my guide suggested I come back next week after the quarter ends, as many churches will be re-evaluating their pastoral needs then and quite a few ministers are released to the pound or even into the wild.
 

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Posted by Moo (# 107) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Kenwritez
Now, this pound was a bit better equipped than others I'd been to, they even had a small aviary where I saw numerous Episcopalian and even a Roman Catholic priest or two, every one of them a riot of color in their exotic plumage, and all of them crouched on their roosts. For some reason sherry bottles littered the floor of the aviary.

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No gin bottles?

Moo
 

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Posted by Eigon (# 4917) on :
 
I saw a sketch on a comedy show once (can't remember which show, or who was in it or anything), but it involved a group of people sitting in a living room, chatting, while a Bishop in full episcopals crouched on top of a cupboard in the corner. One of the people asked, "How long have you had him?"
The reply was "Since he was a Deacon."
 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 1059) on :
 
It's too bad that the Koreshans are extinct, as I think you would find one of them the ideal pet. Intelligent, helpful and easy on the environment. (They tended to walk on the inside of the Earth.) Unfortunately, they refused to breed.

They were mutts, you know.
 

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Posted by Cusanus (# 692) on :
 
Just don't get a Dominican. They bite.
 

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Posted by Seth (# 3623) on :
 
....and it would be unfair to try to muzzle him.
 

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