Ship of Fools: Heaven: Rules for tourists

Thread: Heaven: Rules for tourists Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

Right, I have had it to HERE with tourists. The following rules will therefore be implemented immediately.

1) All tourists will walk in single file in straight lines at a speed of no less than 5 mph. To ensure that they comply with the speed limit, they will all be fitted on arrival at the airport with specially adapted pedometers that will deliver a series of electric shocks if their average speed for 15 seconds drops below the 5 mph minimum.

2) No tourist may bring any luggage. They can buy or hire everything they need over here, provided it isn't a rucksack or backpack.

3) All tourists must bring their own food for the duration of their stay and eat it in their rooms before they go out, thereby doing away with gaggles of people sitting on the pavement eating baguettes. If they are going out for the day, then they will be expected to eat three meals before they go.

4) No tourist will be allowed within 50 yards of a railway, coach or bus station, bus stop or other means of public transport, especially at peak times. In the event that they are seen at peak time, the police will immediately be called. Tourists may under some circumstances travel one at a time on public transport provided they have a signed permit from their head of state and travel takes place in the small hours. Tourists over the age of 30 are permitted to use bicycles, horses, lorries, tractors, motorized mowers and other vehicles as specified by the Department of Transport.

Please add any other rules you think necessary.

[ 14. October 2004, 13:15: Message edited by: Scot ]

Posted by Ferijen (# 4719) on :

5) All cameras and videocameras will be automatically confiscated at the point of arrival. This is to prevent the implementation of the clause of the Code of Irritating Tourists which says that sights seen through a camera lens or watched on a dodgy home-video five months later will be better than The Real Thing™.

Posted by Lesley W (# 4445) on :

Under no circumstances should tourists be allowed into city centres between 12 noon and 2.00pm, Monday to Friday. Carrying ostentatious camera equipment/backpacks and wearing shorts shall be sufficient evidence for police to stop them and require identification.

Lesley

Posted by Wibble (# 5441) on :

7) Tourists are no longer permitted to look at street entertainment, either whilst stopped or moving. The penalty for doing so is for tourist to be spray painted gold then forced to be a human statue in a prominent city location.

Posted by Sparrow (# 2458) on :

8. Tourists who form large huddles in the middle of the pavement around the only one of their number who has a map, shall be dropped off Westminster Bridge forthwith.

Posted by starbelly (# 25) on :

9) All tourists must learn perfect English before travelling.

10) Tourists must not wear anything yellow, and this includes backpacks.

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :

11) No tourist shall talk to any local person before 11:30 in the morning.

12) Tourists may talk to locals after 11:30 but only to ask directions or to buy goods on offer for ready money.

13) There is no rule (13)

14) However, tourists shall indeed talk to me after 20:00 in the evening, and in fact they shall buy me drinks, engage me in pleasant conversation, tell me about their home places, and be suitably and humbly fascinated by the vast depth of my local knowledge. This applies double to attractive female tourists.

14) The penalty for using luggage-on-a-stick (i.e. bags or boxes or cases on little wheels) in a public place from 07:30 to 11:30 in the morning and from 16:00 to 20:00 in the evening will be extreme, and will be enforced by wire-guided anti-tank missiles.

15) And as for standing on the right on the escalator - that is really serious...

[ 19. July 2004, 16:44: Message edited by: ken ]

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

Taking notes, as I'm thinking of doing the tourist thing in the UK some time next year. I want to make sure I leave as many stunned and irritated Britons in my wake as humanly possible. I prithee, continue! [Devil]

[details, details]

[ 19. July 2004, 16:56: Message edited by: RuthW ]

Posted by Elizabeth Anne (# 3555) on :

Not English, but whatever...

16. PLEASE refrain from taking smiling, shiny-happy group pictures in front of the World Trade Center site, especially while wearing matching t-shirts. 3,000 people were murdered there barely 3 years ago, morons. Show a little respect.

Yes, I actually did see this happen. [Waterworks]

ETA: The picture taking, I mean.

[ 19. July 2004, 17:13: Message edited by: Elizabeth Anne ]

Posted by Glass Angel (# 5779) on :

17) Tourists will not take photos of the locals, even when said locals are dressed in strange and antiquated garb.

18) Tourists will remember that, just as only Fellows of the College may walk the lawns of Oxbridge Colleges, all pleasent grassy plots belong to the locals, and may not be sat upon, walked upon or stood upon by anyone not holding a UK passport. All tourists must eat their picnics on a heap of gravel next to a motorway in the Proper English Fashion.

[ 19. July 2004, 17:27: Message edited by: Glass Angel ]

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

19) All tourists will be issued with the standard tourist maps printed upside down in their own languages with the features of interest either wrongly named or transposed. A permit to approach locals for consultation should be applied for at the time of purchase of map. This permit is good for three requests. In cases of dispute, the tourist shall accept with good grace that the local's interpretation or criticism of the map is valid. Contravention of this rule will result in either a fine or a sentence of at least 50 words containing the words "I apologize for questioning your judgement, O worthy and knowledgeable local."

[ 19. July 2004, 17:30: Message edited by: Ariel ]

Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :

Isn't this thread just a new iteration of "What's Strange about the British"?

Posted by Schroedinger's cat BA (# 64) on :

Campbellite - it is in danger of turning into WSSATB. We need more non-British contributions.

Tourists shall not wear standard issue backpacks and kagouls.

Posted by Jajehu (# 6196) on :

Nope.

US Tourists will refrain from embarrassing, rude, and loud commentary on the oddity, quaintness, or inferiority of clean public restroom facilities and quality of toilet paper in ports of call.

US Tourists will be shot for assuming that locals do not hear and/or cannot understand loud patronizing or insulting comments made in English about local dress, customs, grooming, architecture, food, manners, etc.

US Tourists over the age of thirty months will not be issued a visa or passport or permitted to leave the country until they have mastered the art of chewing with their mouths closed.

Posted by Codepoet (# 5964) on :

20) Attempting to buy anything from a local trader using anything other than local currency (particularly attempting to use US dollars) will result in you being required to test drive an Ariane 5 rocket.

Posted by Mertseger (# 4534) on :

21) Come to San Francisco where none of these rules apply, and you will be welcome to spend all the money you want on cable car tchotskes and emergency fleece pullovers since you mistakingly thought California would be warm in the summer.

Seriously. I hate the luggage-on-a-stick on the commuter trains as much as the rest of you, but I am sincerely skeptical that it's the tourists who are the culprits since their presence is not seasonal and they always exit in the middle of the Financial District rather than at any of the tourist or transportation hubs.

So, please, feel free to ask me for directions since I'll always tell you something and only figure out in no more than few minutes later that I pointed you in the wrong direction (d'oh, it's Stockton not Sacramento which goes north/south, oh, well), stop in the middle of the sidewalk to take pictures of skyscapers that are not significantly different than any other city's, turn blue in your t-shirts and shorts as the beautiful fog rolls in, get in a block-long queue for an over-priced cable car ride that you can board at any stop along the way without waiting, bollox up all the roads leading to the top of Lombard for sixty seconds of driving down a technological feat nearly as amazing as the corkscrew ramp you can find at many parking garages, and miss the truly spectacular places serving California Cuisine because you were hungry and at the Wharf.

We welcome you!
Well, we welcome your money.

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

22) A tourist travelling by bus shall not -

a) engage the driver in a long conversation while numbers of worthy locals stand around in driving sleet* waiting to board
b) bring on the bus with them a large cabin trunk. With spikes.
c) endeavour to leave the bus by the enbusing rather than the debusing door
d) pick the right door, but decide to use the emergency button while the bus is negotiating a sharp corner

*this is July after all

Posted by Sparrow (# 2458) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
22) A tourist travelling by bus shall not -

a) engage the driver in a long conversation while numbers of worthy locals stand around in driving sleet* waiting to board
b) bring on the bus with them a large cabin trunk. With spikes.
c) endeavour to leave the bus by the enbusing rather than the debusing door
d) pick the right door, but decide to use the emergency button while the bus is negotiating a sharp corner

*this is July after all

e) use the emergency stop handle on the Jubilee line as a coat hanger and bring the entire train to a halt when trying to disentangle it

(yes, it happened last week)

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

(24) A tourist shall not come to downtown La Jolla and ask an avid surfer and off-duty UC San Diego student which way to the beach. I was also a trustee of the La Jolla Shores Association and had a bumper sticker that said: TOURIST GO HOME La Jolla, California. I always directed them out of the area, usually inland! They just come in and trash up our beaches, crowd our roads and restaurants. The Town Council even hired teenagers to clean up after them, over and above what the city could do!

Posted by Amphibalus (# 5351) on :

[tangent]

quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
A tourist shall not come to downtown La Jolla and ask an avid surfer and off-duty UC San Diego student which way to the beach.

Maybe this Visitor to your delightful community couldn't be bothered with any crappy beach*, but wished to savour the delights of your excellent Museum of Contemporary Art, and then get the hell out of there.

*This is in no way intended to cast aspersions upon the beaches in La Jolla, which I am assured are spectacularly beautiful. Personally, I just can't raise any enthusiasm whatever for large conglomerations of granular material in close proximity to vast expanses of brine**.

**Unless painted by Boudin***.

***Or in anything less than storm force 10.
[tangent]

I don't see all this need for extensive legislation. There is only one rule for tourists:

Rules 1 to 417:
DON'T.

Posted by rugasaw (# 7315) on :

25) Continue to travel the main roads and highways. This lets the locales use less crowded routes.

Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :

Deportment

Tourists are not to act either arrogantly or in wilfull disobedience to common sense rules of civility, politeness and manners:

American tourists are not to assume foreigners will understand English if it is spoken to them loudly and slowly enough.
Anyone from the UK sporting any football team paraphernalia whatsoever, or voicing any loud comments for or against any football team, shall be prohibited from leaving the UK.
Male French tourists visiting the US are prohibited from wearing thong or Speedo-type swimwear and/or carrying purses.
German tourists visiting the US are prohibited from wearing swimwear at all if they are under five (5) feet ten (10) inches / 1.5 meters in height and over 15 stone.
Female Japanese tourists are enjoined from giggling in public. Male Japanese tourists are enjoined from carrying cameras and wearing shorts and white crew socks with sandals.
Tourists from South Africa, New Zealand, Australia, Wales, Scotland, Ireland and England visiting the US will wear large, color-coded badges around their necks at all times when out in public to allow US natives to identify their accents.
Belgian, Canadian, German and UK tourists visiting the US are allowed to bring in a supply of their native brewed beer, not to exceed two liters per person per day.
Elderly male tourists of any nationality will not wear black socks, dress shoes and Bermuda shorts *unless they are actually in Bermuda at that moment.*

Taking of Game

Tourists obeying the above rules, when confronted with Rude Locals, may take no more than three (3) Rude Locals, limited to two males and one non-breeding female, per seven-day week.

For the purposes of this definition, "Rude Locals" are those locals who knowingly deliver false directions, recommend inferior restaurants or clubs, incorrect highways, invalid public transportation times/places/routes, uninteresting sights, or who make disparaging remarks about tourists' pronunication of their language.

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Amphibalus:
[i]Maybe this Visitor to your delightful community......wished to savour the delights of your excellent Museum of Contemporary Art, and then get the hell out of there.
.....
I don't see all this need for extensive legislation. There is only one rule for tourists:
Rules 1 to 417:
DON'T.

/tangent/
Ah, an art lover like my wife (not an ocean person) and me. They did have quite a show of folk art, much of it owned by Cheech Marin when we were there 5 weeks ago. Not to mention the bookshops: John Cole's is a must, still run by his grandson. Go for haute cuisine like the IHOP across the street with ocean view!
/tangent/

26) Tourists are to speak in lowered voices when in public houses and be near silent elsewhere.

27) Respect the privacy and anonymity of Ferrari and Maserati drivers when in Southern California.

Otherwise what Kenwritez says.

[edited to fix numbering]

[ 20. July 2004, 01:41: Message edited by: Sir Kevin ]

Posted by Jajehu (# 6196) on :

Tourists to New Hampshire (unless they can prove that they were born and reared in Maine or Vermont) are strictly prohibited from uttering "Ayuh" * in response to questions requiring affirmative answers.

Tourists to New Hampshire are required to purchase all the Grade A Light and Medium Amber Maple Syrup they can carry home, leaving the really good stuff -- Grade B Dark Amber -- for us locals.

Tourists to New Hampshire are required to know where they are going. If we wanted you to find those places, we would have put signs up.

Tourists to New Hampshire are forbidden to ask locals about the Old Man Of The Mountain. We are still in deep mourning; it has only been a year and two months.

* For the curious and/or uninitiated, "Ayuh" is the local version of "Yes." It is most authentically pronounced by uttering the two syllables on an in-drawn breath with the stress on the second syllable.

You cannot fool us. We know you're a tourist when you choke on the black flies you inhaled while attempting to agree.

Posted by Amazing Grace (# 4754) on :

quote:
Originally posted by ken:
15) And as for standing on the right on the escalator - that is really serious...

Heh.

We have a nice set of commuter trains that serve San Francisco and the cities and 'burbs east of it.

The stations are either very raised or very underground. The downtown SF stations are underground.

The difference in escalator behavior between stations usually frequented by commuters and the ones serving Tourist* Land is quite noticeable. Orderly Stand-Right-Walk-Left happens at the former. A general mill (sometimes a large clump that only the most determined would "Excuse me" through) often occurs at the latter.

* A fair number of the people using the system live in the eastern burbs, but just act like they're at the mall since they are usually coming in to shop. If they were gawking at the astounding beauty of the place I could understand, but the interior of Powell station is functional at best.

As an ex-resident of touristland, my major complaints with Our Esteemed Visitors (and you could usually tell) were of the Don't Block the Flow of Traffic variety. Don't stand on the left on the escalator, get your ticket out before you get to the exit gates, don't stop just after you get out of the entrance, don't stand in the middle of the sidewalk alone or in a group, and stay on the sidewalk while you're waiting for the pedestrian light. Oh yes, and if you're taking BART, we do actually stand in line to enter the trains, so don't just stand around like a big gawp and then rush the door when it arrives.

Charlotte (who is nice to the tourists)

Posted by Gin in the City (# 2572) on :

To tourists visiting New York City:

Thou shalt not approach a local in Penn Station and ask, "How do I get to the train?" (If you had bothered to look at a map, you'd have noticed that Penn Station is a hub for three mainline railroads and seven subway routes.) Violators of this rule risk being put on the next train to New Jersey.

Thou shalt not board a subway train and ask, "Is this an 'N' train?" A large backlit sign at the front of each train and no less than four large signs on each car clearly indicate which number or letter this train is, as well as the train's destination.

Thou shalt not act shocked and surprised when said subway train begins moving after the doors close, especially when thou hast ignored numerous grab bars installed throughout the railcar for thine own safety. Enjoying the view from the floor?

Thou shalt not ask, "Where can we find a good chick bar?" Especially not while wearing a full dress US Marine Corps uniform, while -- along with the rest of your platoon -- taking a walking tour of the West Village the same weekend as the Gay Pride Parade. (Note to a certain unit of Marines: Hope you had fun at that drag bar my friends graciously directed you toward.)

Thou shalt not gawk at the roasted ducks and sides of pork hanging in the windows of restaurants in Chinatown. Some of us are trying to enjoy a nice meal of said duck and pork, and don't appreciate dining in a museum exhibit.

Speaking of food: Thou shalt not spend thousands of dollars to take your family on vacation to NYC, only to dine at McDonald's and TGI Friday's all week. Be assured it's the same mediocre food as at your local strip mall back in Iowa. And if you're looking for an authentic Italian meal, please don't insult us by asking for directions to Olive Garden.

Welcome to New York. Now go home. [Big Grin]

Posted by daisymay (# 1480) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Sparrow:
e) use the emergency stop handle on the Jubilee line as a coat hanger and bring the entire train to a halt when trying to disentangle it

(yes, it happened last week)

What did you do to them?

Posted by Sparrow (# 2458) on :

quote:
Originally posted by daisymay:

quote:
Originally posted by Sparrow:
e) use the emergency stop handle on the Jubilee line as a coat hanger and bring the entire train to a halt when trying to disentangle it

(yes, it happened last week)

What did you do to them?

Just gave him A Look, combined with heavy sigh and roll of the eyes [Roll Eyes]

Posted by Eigon (# 4917) on :

Tourists should engage brain before they ask questions (yes, I know they left it behind because they wouldn't need it on holiday).
So, Ross-on-Wye is not near Hay-on-Wye. They are both on the River Wye, which is long and thin and travels a long way.
Hay-on-Wye is a village. This means it does not have a Marks and Spencers, Macdonalds, or (God help us) WH Smiths. It's a second hand book town, for Heaven's sake - why would we need a WH Smiths?
Although Hay is a village, it is still not a good idea to stop your car to look at a map close to a junction on the bus route. Nor is it a good idea to park opposite the bridge, because one day Clive Price the haulier really will take someone's wing off (and all the locals will cheer).
During Hay Festival, do not be surprised if you ask for a B&B and you are directed 30 miles away. All the local B&Bs have been booked up for months.

I feel better now.

Posted by chukovsky (# 116) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Kenwritez:

[*]Tourists from South Africa, New Zealand, Australia, Wales, Scotland, Ireland and England visiting the US will wear large, color-coded badges around their necks at all times when out in public to allow US natives to identify their accents.

Why would the natives attempt to identify their accents if they aren't sure? I just don't see the point of the common US habit of displaying their ignorance of accents publicly, and being sure of themselves, too!

Dumb American: So, how long is it since you came from Australia?

Me: I'm not Australian, but I've been here six months.

DA: Oh sorry, New Zealand (and how dare you be so picky).

Me: Nope, not New Zealand either.

DA: OK, South Africa! (and why are you correcting me??)

Me: Er, actually, I'm English.

If you don't know, talk about something else! And if you are wrong, don't act like we are being ultra fussy when we correct you. We will not be at all offended if you admit ignorance, but most non-South-Africans will be very offended if it is suggested that is where they are from. I suspect that New Zealanders are resigned to having people think they are from Australia but really, admitting ignorance is not the same as admitting weakness.

Posted by Blancmange (# 5446) on :

quote:
Originally posted by ken:
15) And as for standing on the right on the escalator - that is really serious...

This is especially serious in rush-hour. Also important is the inappropriate use of the left-hand side of the escalator as luggage space, thus totally negating the positive effect of bothering to stand on the right [Mad]

.
Tourists should send their luggage by mail to their destination, and not take more than 2kg of hand luggage in ONE SMALL bag, which may not be flourescent yellow, green or orange.

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

Next rule: Don't take anything too seriously.

Posted by Coot (Such a nice boy) (# 220) on :

Note to busloads of Chinese and Japanese tourists stopping by Lake Monger. And the Anglos (though there's less of them):

The signs say: Please do not feed the waterbirds bread.

If you desperately must feed them, please feed them something natural like wheat.

Bread pollutes the water and encourages salmonella. It also sets back the Dept. of Conservation and Land Management's attempts to create a more natural environment for the birds.

To the filthy rich Japanese tourists who sit in King's Park pointing excitedly at the scads of lovely public open space we have: NO. YOU CAN'T BUY IT AND DEVELOP IT INTO FLATS OR MULTI-STORY CARPARKS.

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Coot (Such a nice boy):
Note to busloads of Chinese and Japanese tourists stopping by Lake Monger. And the Anglos (though there's less of them):

The signs say: Please do not feed the waterbirds bread.

What language is used on the signs?

Posted by Lesley W (# 4445) on :

When visiting Wales, tourists shall not refer to it as Wales, England.

(Overheard in Cardiff a few weeks ago.)

I'm sure Welsh shipmates will be able to think of suitable punishment.

Lesley

Posted by Coot (Such a nice boy) (# 220) on :

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:

quote:
Originally posted by Coot (Such a nice boy):
Note to busloads of Chinese and Japanese tourists stopping by Lake Monger. And the Anglos (though there's less of them):

The signs say: Please do not feed the waterbirds bread.
What language is used on the signs?

Tis English. Yer. True. Some might not be able to read it. Though the tour operators are locals and well able to read [Disappointed]

And they encourage them!!!! By handing out bread! (Though I did see one operator handing out lettuce leaves once).

Posted by Kenwritez (# 3238) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lesley W:
When visiting Wales, tourists shall not refer to it as Wales, England.

What? Why not? Scotland and Ireland are part of England.

Posted by Flounder (# 3859) on :

Everything Jajehu said applies to tourists visiting anywhere in New England, especially the following:

quote:
Originally posted by Jajehu:
Tourists to New Hampshire are required to purchase all the Grade A Light and Medium Amber Maple Syrup they can carry home, leaving the really good stuff -- Grade B Dark Amber -- for us locals.

Tourists to New Hampshire are required to know where they are going. If we wanted you to find those places, we would have put signs up.

Tourists to New Hampshire are forbidden to ask locals about the Old Man Of The Mountain. We are still in deep mourning; it has only been a year and two months.

In addition, we do not want you to visit our rural and less well-known areas. Stay on the beaten path. We need your money, not you. It's already too crowded here.

There is a reason why we don't have street signs. There is a reason why we cannot seem to give intelligble directions.

Take the hint. When you are finished with your trip, go home. Stay there. Do not ruin things for us by buying pristine property and building your crappy pretentious McMansions here. We do not want to become AnyPlace USA.

Thank you very much. [Mad]

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

28) In the interests of boosting the economy, on arrival at the airport tourists will be allocated to areas in particular need of financial assistance. Those offered a place should be aware that if refused, they will have to go to the back of the queue and wait until everyone else has been fixed up. Protective clothing can be made available if necessary (an independent adjudicator will rule on this). There is usually a small charge, and the clothing is expected to be returned in the same good condition as received.

29) The minimum quota of souvenirs and postcards remains unchanged.

Posted by Pax Romana (# 4653) on :

Ooh! I want to play, too!

I live in New York City, and here are MY laws for tourists:

1. You shall not take up an entire section of sidewalk just to take a picture of your two friends in front of (Times Square/Rockefeller Center/some street vendor's table/whatever). If you do this, I am entitled to walk right in front of you and make ugly faces and obscene gestures into your camera.

2. You shall NEVER congregate together right at a busy streetcorner and bar the way of every local who is trying to pass by. If you do, you will be thrown into the path of the next oncoming New York taxi driver who comes along.

3. If you are masochistic enough to want to ride the New York City busses and subways, you will NEVER do it during rush hour.

4. You will not cut in line at Starbucks, ever! Especially at the 10:00 coffee break hour.

Enough for now.

Posted by Amphibalus (# 5351) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Eigon:
Hay-on-Wye is a village.

I was under the impression that it was an Independent Kingdom, and that a passport was required as well as the fee when crossing the toll-bridge at Whitney-on-Wye.

(Or should this be on the 'What's so strange about the British' thread?)

Posted by chive (# 208) on :

At Immigration Control NO tourist should make a joke about the photo in their passport. It may have been the funniest joke you've ever heard and taken you the whole of an 8 hour flight to think up but I've heard it 47 times already in the last hour. It's not funny.

Legislation provides that anyone who makes that joke has to have a photograph taken of their arse and made into a mask to wear the entire time they're in the country.

Posted by Ophthalmos (# 3256) on :

You've got to get in the map and wear a crazy Union Jack hat and embarrass your best friend when in London on an end-of-season wedding shindig.

Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :

Rules for Tourists From Far-Away Lands Visiting the Napa Valley Wine Country:

1) 'Tourist from Far-Away Lands' includes anyone not born within the Napa Appellation. I'm looking at you, Francis Ford Coppola...

2) Do not get drunk and drive. Our cops love fining you because so many of you have murdered our children on the roads.

3) Yes, it's scenic. Yes, it's beautiful. Yes, it's private property. Yes, this is a shotgun I'm holding.

4) Don't ride your bike in the middle of the lane on Monticello Road. Do not gesture at me telling me to pass you because I can't. Did you notice the hairpin turns and sheer cliff drop-offs, not to mention the BIG SIGN saying 'No Bicyclists'? I've had to call the LifeFlight on too many cars that have been run off the road by you bicyclists.

5) Don't expect me to give you directions that make sense. I know exactly where the old Von Uhlt place is, and if God had meant you to go to Copia, He'd have made sure you did, too.

6) Speaking of, I've never been to Copia. I don't go wine tasting. I've never ridden the Wine Train. I don't grow grapes in my backyard.

7) Bilco's is a locals hangout. Go in there on Saturday night and order a white wine spritzer. I double dog dare you.

8) Don't move here. Seriously.

9) No, Daddy won't sell you the farm. Yes, this is a shotgun I'm holding.

Posted by Eigon (# 4917) on :

It is true that Hay-on-Wye is an Independant Kingdom.
What we'd really like to do is set up border controls and take the tourists' wallets as they arrive.... [Smile]

Posted by Flounder (# 3859) on :

Damn......

You sound like one of us! [Snigger]

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
Rules for Tourists From Far-Away Lands Visiting the Napa Valley Wine Country:

3) Yes, it's scenic. Yes, it's beautiful. Yes, it's private property. Yes, this is a shotgun I'm holding.

4) Don't ride your bike in the middle of the lane on Monticello Road... I've had to call the LifeFlight on too many cars that have been run off the road by you bicyclists.

5) Don't expect me to give you directions that make sense. I know exactly where the old Von Uhlt place is, and if God had meant you to go to Copia, He'd have made sure you did, too.

8) Don't move here. Seriously.

9) No, Daddy won't sell you the farm. Yes, this is a shotgun I'm holding.

Posted by ThisCoolMom (# 5966) on :

All Visitors to Canada...

You are welcome to call it your second home. Visit your tourist center and there is someone from any ethnic background to service you in your native language.

For British people renting cars we drive on the right hand side of the road. You may engage a local on a hilarious debate on what side of the car the stearing wheel should be? and What side of the road a person should drive on, at the local pub just be prepared to be tipsy by the end of the conversation.

Please feel free and ask people for any hidden tourist attractions. We have many interesting touristy places to visit. We dont mind being bothered.

Canada is a multicultural society you are bound to see a festival going on that would normally happen in your country again just ask and someone will tell you where it is. The people in Canada that are rude and crude to the tourists are people from other countries who have immigrated themselves.

www.cambridgehighlandgames.org
www.caribanafestival.com
www.chinradio.com
www.greekcommunity.org
www.rennfest.com/orf/

Lastly obey common courtesy (please, thankyou's, staying to the right if slow) and we will make sure you all will enjoy your visit [Smile]

Posted by Annie P (# 3453) on :

Shortly to become tourist in deepest Devon. Have read advice and intend to take fully on board. Off to practice wearing sensible trousers and local knowlege to blend in perfectly with locals. [Biased]

Am I still allowed to take a camera? I promise I won't take your photo.

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

Tourists are expected to carry cameras, they are part of the uniform by which locals may recognize them. Photographs may not be taken at the following locations:

1) In restaurants while other people at the next table are trying to have lunch
2) On the Tube
3) In train carriages
4) At bus stops when you have no intention of catching a bus and are just pretending to queue
5) Right next to you so that the flash is right in your eyes.

No tourist has the right to stop traffic to take pictures either.

All locals shall be paid a fee of £25* for appearing in each of your photographs, with the exception of locals in native costume, who shall be paid £50* or more.

* Or equivalent in local currency at a prevailing exchange rate favourable to the residents.

Posted by Blancmange (# 5446) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
Photographs may not be taken at the following locations:
2) On the Tube
3) In train carriages

It is actually illegal to take flash photos at platform level (I presume that means on the trains as well) on London Underground, so I guess tourists could be warned that they face a fine and 6 months in jail (making up the sentence) if they photograph themselves on the central line, during rush hour, when there isn't space to move, let alone take a photo.

[ 22. July 2004, 10:30: Message edited by: Blancmange ]

Posted by Rat (# 3373) on :

Tourists: Yes! You should always ask me for directions - well in fact you all already know that, I suspect my face is on a website somewhere. Don't let the fact that I have never been here before, don't speak the language, don't speak your language, and don't know where I am never mind where you are going deter you in the least. I love these lengthy chats while examining an upside down map of a place I know nothing about - they fair brighten up my day.

And yes! The fact that I am not barging about shoving old ladies down escalators does mean I am not in a hurry and have all day to help you work out how to use the ticket machines. Really, it does. Just because I don't know how to use them either, and bought a 3 day pass thingy so I wouldn't have to, doesn't mean I don't want to spend an enjoyable half hour in your company working it out and explaining it to you in broken French.

And when I say I don't know how to get to Putney, asking me several more times at increasing volume will help me to realise what trains you should take. How clever of you to guess that. No, of course I won't eventually just pick the name of a large station at random and advise you to go there - that would be unkind and unreasonable. It's so lucky you picked me to ask, and not some nasty local who actually knows where Putney is, isn't it?

Posted by Ferijen (# 4719) on :

You got it wrong, Rat. What you should have done is whilst looking at their map, chosen a tiny station with a weird-sounding name on the other side of London. Then advised them to go there 'its a short cut no one tells tourists about'.

Directing them to a major station... I mean, that way they actually have a chance... How unfair is that? Tell us it was a nearby major station and I think we're going to have to teach you about being rude to tourists all over again.

Posted by ken (# 2460) on :

A well-chosen mainline station can be very effective in misdirecting tourists.

For example, in London, Paddington is just that little bit further away than the other big mainline stations. So - unless someone's actually intending to visit the NW side of inner London - a side-trip to Paddington is worth a good hour or hour and a half of frustrating tube or bus travel.

Posted by hermit (# 1803) on :

I must be the only one who likes tourists. I was just watching them today on the Seattle waterfront, toting their wheeled luggage, long lines of happy kids with surly parents waiting to take a boat ride or eat fried clams just like the ones at home, except twice as costly. I keep hoping to see them travelling in traditional clothes for their homeland, and maybe that would be my one rule .... that way I could be a sort of tourist gawking at all the tourists gawking at me. Lederhosen, robes, peasant dresses, all of that.

The Russians can be a bit weird at times though, especially Russian sailors.

If I don't understand what they're asking I just smile benevolently and wave a giant sign of the cross in the air while sonorously intoning, "In nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti!" I'm not much good at Latin but they don't seem to care, it's always a showstopper.

For some reason it's usually the Japanese men who want to ask things, they seem fascinated by my large size.

Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :

If you absolutely insist on bringing luggage on a stick to Cardiff, despite all the earlier rules relating to this, and, furthermore, insist on walking with it along the long wooden walkway next to the Millenium Stadium on a quiet morning so that the 'chukkachukkachukkachukkachukka' noise it makes bouces off every flat surface in the vicinity, right behind me as I walk to work with a splitting headache, you can expect me to tip you over the side into the river, and arrange for the seagulls to dive-bomb you until you make it to the edge on your own.
Meanwhile I will be exercising my right to go through your luggage and take the good bits.

b

Posted by rosamundi (# 2495) on :

Children under the age of five are not allowed to take up a seat on the underground whilst fare-paying passengers (like me, after a hard day at work, for instance), are standing.* Anyone of any age who puts their mucky shoes on the seats can expect to have their feet chopped off at the ankles.

Deborah

*seriously, it's in the Conditions of Carriage, condition 6.8. Yes, I have pointed this out to people.

Posted by Ferijen (# 4719) on :

You may have all day to stare at the scenery and marvel at our lovely sites. I, on the other hand, am carrying many bags of heavy shopping and the fact that you're walking at approximately 0.01 mph is not helping me maintain the current length of my arms.

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