quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
* It is announced with regret that employees of SoF (i.e., Editors, Admins, and Hosts) are ineligible to compete.

---

< Coot stops feverishly tapping away on his perfectly tuned keyboard >

NOOOOO!

< Weeps heart-rendingly and goes off to start a support group thread in All Saints.>
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Ha! But it says nothing about "ex-hosts"!

However I suddenly find myself suffering from performance anxiety and can't think of a damn thing to write that seems even remotely humorous.
 

---

Posted by Jenny Ann (# 3131) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I can't think of a damn thing to write that seems even remotely humorous.

---

quote:

---

The Universe is infinite.

So everything is possible.

So God exists.

Comments?

---

quote:

---

Gay Marriage Killed the Dinosaurs

It's in The Onion, so it must be true.

Which dinosaurs do you think were the campiest? Maybe the Velociraptors weren't as butch as all that--paleontologists say they might have gone around in feathers.

---

[ 12. November 2004, 19:48: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Quizmaster (# 1435) on :
 
PURGATORY THREAD

"And Mizraim begat Ludim, and Anamim, and Lehabim, and Naphtuhim."

Discuss!
 

---

Posted by Wairua (# 3912) on :
 
sounds as if that is more suited to T'n'T . . .
 

---

Posted by John Holding (# 158) on :
 
Surely Kerygmania.

John
 

---

Posted by Siegfried (# 29) on :
 
For kergymania, there'd be a verse cited.

Sieg
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
12 bar blues in the key of Hell...

Calling "Luvable Fred" to Hell

Okay. I just happen to have here a large mug of my own diarrhoea. Fresh, warm and stinking. And I might just drink it. Because that would be infinititely preferable to having to read another one of your posts. And I'd have a better chance of waching the taste out of my mouth by the end of the week.

What the **** gives you the right to claim that real christians only think like you do? Like we really need a church of morons who couldn't be trusted to remember to remove their trousers when going to the toilet.

****, when I read some of your drivel I literally retch. And no, dipwad, adding smilies to your inherently disrespectful and narrow-minded posts does not somehow make it all okay. It just reinforces how much of a ****muppet you really are.

I don't know what stone you crawled out from underneath, but kindly go and get that stone and whack your head with it until you lose consciousness. Any change in personality such an action could cause can only be an improvement.

****knuckle.

[ETA: PM on the way]

[ 13. November 2004, 05:35: Message edited by: kiwigoldfish ]
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
Heaven:

Your Life - the Edited Version

As I was waiting for 120 seconds after a recent post, I got to thinking about those tales of how people see their lives pass before them as they are dying - a bit like the opening to Green Wing, where the whole of the last week's episode is shown speeded-up.

And as I pressed the Edit button I wondered, which parts of your life would you edit if you could - how and why? Would it be for a rewrite of the script? Would you 'find God' (or He find you) earlier? Or later, so you could have that misspent youth you've always hankered for?

Would you be in a different place in your family? Or in the world? Choose a different career? Have pets? Get rid of that pesky allergy? Call yourself something funky instead of the plain old name which has never really felt like you? Or would you just never have started that thread on diarrhoea which ended up with you getting thrown off the Ship?

Ideas please - but no regrets allowed - life's too short!


Edited to make a point.

[ 13. November 2004, 09:01: Message edited by: Vikki Pollard ]
 

---

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
All Saints:
Hello I am new here

Hello to all on this wonderful Ship. This is my first post and I wanted to let you all know that I am here and that I you all for making this place so warm, welcoming and fun. I am not sure if this is the right place to make this first post but you all have my and my In fact, I have been waiting for ever to find such a wonderful Christian on-line community such as this. I stumbled across The Ship when I was much younger but decided to lurk here for a while so that I could take time to understand how things work here. I must say how much of a comfort it has been to me reading all your threads and I am really looking forward to adding my thoughts and dreams to this wonderful community. May I also take this time to thank all my friends who finally convinced me to stop lurking and become a fully fledged member of this loving community, my parents who brought me up to be a good Christian woman, and my dog who has patiently sat by my side while I have read all the threads here and finally I would like to thank all you shipmates for enriching my life with your posts. I hope that you will welcome me with open arms and I am really looking forward to posting more.

God bless you all
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
All Saints

Announcing a meet at Threadneedle Street, The Needles, 4/12/04 at 7pm.

Bring a sample of your Favourite Thread with you (material and colour of your choice)
and we will weave a beautiful prayer curtain together.

Table will be booked in the name of Fred Bear.

OK, who's up for it? Let's get the arrangements sewn up, asap.
 

---

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 
PURGATORY

Wymyn's Rites Now

Wymin need to throw off the patriarchal shackles of Christianity. It's a man's religion: made by men for men who use it to keep wimmin down. Everything gets blamed on Eve, just because she wouldn't be Adam's doormat. Given a little consciousness-raising, Eve would have seen the light and gone off with Lilith. And maybe she did! After all, it was men who wrote the Bible; there's no way they would admit that two wimin could do without them.

And I'm here to tell you, Ship of Fools is totally complicit. Who are the hosts of Heaven, where all good Christians supposedly go when they die? All men. Who owns the whole enterprise? A man. If I lose this contest, it'll be because a man is running it.

Men will say I should be posting in Hell; they want to write us wymmyn off as ranting hysterics and push us underground. But wymmin have taken too much *bleep* for way too *bleep*-ing long.


Readers check the newbie's profile ...

Screenname: Medusa

Location: the Amazon

Occupation: commune rota mistress

Interests: eco-feminism, liberal feminism, third wave feminism, womyn and feminism, raisin cakes

Picture: Click here.

Religion: Goddess worship

Profile/essay/sermon: A womyn without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Favorite boards: Click here and scroll down.
 

---

Posted by .Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
Ruth:

(I particularly like the way you ring the changes in spelling The Word Formerly Known As "Women.")

Rossweisse // pass the raisin cakes, wudja?
 

---

Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 
STYX THREAD

ARE COMPETITION JUDGES ON THIS SHIP CORRUPT, OR WHAT?

I've entered just about every competition that's been on this ship since I signed up. My entries are really well-thought out and witty and my boyfriend just about wets himself laughing at them, but I never get noticed.

It seems to me that the same people always win, which suggests just a bit of ... favourtism.

I'm not whinging. I just want a straight answer.
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
Some irksome questions for the producers:

Is this going to be a knockout competition like all the other idol shows? Should I be planning my round 2 entry on the offchance that I make it through? Or is it more of a free for all and you can enter as many times as you like?

(This is all good considering I didn't even get an audition on New Zealand Idol. I can exorcise some demons here.)
 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
Circus Poll: What sort of Alcoholic are You?
12 questions, 36 choices.

Sample 1
: For breakfast my favourite beverage is:
1) Beer
2) Good beer
3) Cider
4) Whisky
5) Whiskey
6) G'n'T
7) Gin
8) Vodka
9) Tequila
10) Rum
11) too drunk to remember
12) Other - please post

Q2:
a)Career
b)Apprentice
c)non-
d)I am not an alco0itjjj1!
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
Is this going to be a knockout competition like all the other idol shows? Should I be planning my round 2 entry on the offchance that I make it through?

---

Yes to both questions. This will be as close to a real contest as possible, so please only one entry per poster. If the preliminary audition round does not sufficiently narrow down the pool for the Finalist rounds, one more round will take place.

As per the real Idol shows, the Judges will not be able to eliminate anyone once the Finalist rounds start; they will only be able to give opinons. A poll will be set up after each Finalist challenge, with the lowest-ranking contestant being eliminated.
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
(first posted in Hell...then kicked over to heaven)

Why the English Should rule the Universe

*Please my American friends, don't post on this thread, unless you agree with the OP.
*By all means, subjects from the other former colonies of the Queen, post your thoughts here. unless you are one of the few that don't agree the OP. Thanks for your cooperation in advance. Since I am nice, the hosties will strike down those who oppose my little rules.

-A proper cup of tea is an artform that there is a dearth of, we need to teach it to all, throw out your tea bags!
-Coffee is inferior to tea. Tea-break, not coffee-break!
-Your American Corporations are making everyone fat! Listen to SIR Morgan Spurlock, HONORARY U.K. KNIGHTHOOD has been bestowed on him.
-Other recent American recipients of honorary knighthoods include Bob Hope, Secretary of State designate Colin Powell, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf and former presidents George Bush and Ronald Reagan, just in case you were wondering.
-Our Church of England has class, dashing vestments, a repatiore of fine knowledge and the nuances in baking, when it comes to baking scones.
-We speak the Queen's English. You should too. Abandon your abaxial accents at once!
-Our royal family has your admiration and your support. Quit printing tabloids about them unless you wish to fiscally support them as well ... tithe 10% of your income.
-Good manners are rapidly going out of style in your countries. We have a stiff upper lip, and subtle put downs. Irony never works in America...we need to bring it back!
-President Blair has a nice ring to it. President of these United States of Britain. Yes.
-the Queen has a secret compartment in her handbag. We will share with you what it is if you let us rule you (you know you are dying to know what she stores in there).
-Prince Charles longs to give you advice on your architecture. Let him help you guide your city plans. Vegas is an eyesore! It needs a make-over.
-Our lagers, our bitters, our ales. You're welcome.
-A good kidney pie never hurt anyone.
-Canadians, you need special training on the proper pronounciation of the following words: about, out, aye (not eh). Also get rid of your forced second language forms.
-Cricket, Candians, not hockey.
-Football is soccer, not quarterback shuffling, Yankees.
-vegemite is no subsitute for marmite. Give it up.
-Our money is really cute and fun. The pound coins feel nice in your hands. You know you want it. It has a greater value too! Use less, buy more!
-Salt Vinegar Crisps for everybody
-Stomp out the hamburger! Eat Bangers!
-Bridget Jones is the female ideal, not Pamela Anderson. Replace at once!
-David Beckham is the male ideal, not Justin Timberlake. Replace at once!
-All men will be forced to listen to tapes of Alan Rickman and learn how more effectively express the Queen's language. Roll your "r"s!
-All women will be forced to listen to tapes of Emma Thompson and learn how to do the same. Splendid.
-Smaller portions please. You will lose weight quickly.
-American, learn to embrace the "U" as your favourite word, love your neighbours.
-Bobby outfits are much more dashing then "cops". Learn also to leave your guns in your trunks. You don't need to carry them around to police the people.
-Free Universal Health Care Now! Abandon your Fee-based-system.
-Hollywood keeps borrowing our ideas and making their own versions of our shows. We want you to cut that out now! To make up for that, we want you to make a British Sex in the City show, based in London. There would be no sex in that (we're English!) but we are natually sexy and don't need to have sex to show that.
-Canterbury Chocolate, not Hershey
-Tim Tams make good penguins
-Please take back Madonna, we don't want her. Instead, give us Joe Jackson. We want him back New York.
-Greenwich Time rules you all. Admit it.
-Metrics you silly Americans. But do start using stones instead of pounds.
-Our London cab drivers have a map of London in their heads. Yours don't even speak English. Come to think of it, ours don't either. Got to work on those ones with the Alan Rickman tapes.
-Irony is lost on the Americans. Let us teach you. Letterman's ironic? How quaint.
-You mustn't think President Bush is smart. How could you? President Blair does have a nice ring to it
-Our passports look cooler and are more user-friendly. You know you want one!
-The White House does not contain royalty, it never has and never will.
-Fox hunting everywhere. Let us destroy all your rabbits in Australia with style.
-Stop eating Kanagroos, Australians.


 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Hell Thread...

I split a nail and I'm so mad I could spit

Really. I could just spit, spit, spit! It was those d*rn wrappers they put around CDs. You just can't get them off. What are they thinking? They have no consideration whatsoever. And it was "the Carpenter's Greatest Hits", which I'd wanted for a long time.

I was so excited until I split my nail trying to get the d*rn wrapper off. I mean really. What's my manicurist going to say?

Don't you just HATE it!!!!


 

---

Posted by Celsti (# 4523) on :
 
duchess, you are the bomb
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
Hell (Translated from the original Trollish; this transcript has been edited for length and coherence.)

This forum is riddled with anti-* feelings. Yes, I'm talking to you, you putrid fetid horrid pile of (bleep) with the sewer-gas breath and the nasty yellow teeth. You hate the *. Admit it. You look for opportunities to trash the *. You keep talking about the English and how they should rule. What is that about except anti-* bigotry, eh? Anti-* bigotry makes me terribly angry. Terribly, terribly, terribly angry. But it is Totally Righteous anger, so I am entitled, whereas you are just a foul stinking dog-(bleep) whose owner refuses to carry a scooper and plastic bag, which also makes me so furious I could easily pop the top off my head while thinking about the whole problem of anti-* dog owners who won't scoop poop. And then there are cats and cat owners; they are just plain evil and tools of Satin. Don't give me any lip about that or I will know for sure that you are anti-* and in Satin's pocket. And don't even get me started on drivers who cut in front of me on the highway, and are conspiring against the *, or they wouldn't cut in front of me, because they're just stinking (bleep)ing bigots. People who are anti-* don't know what they're talking about, and they're all going straight to hell anyway, but slagging them and glowing in the pure fire of my fury sure beats sitting here wondering why I'm slouched all alone at 2 in the morning in my trash-filled room in front of the flickering glare of my terminal, pondering why it is that no one cares about me. The bastards.


* = The Ethnic Group or Religious Denomination of Your Choice
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM SOF IDOL, INC.

Due to the unexpected off-line maintenance, the Contest will not officially start until next Monday. To avoid further delays, auditioning will close tonight, so please submit any remaining auditions before then.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sorry for the delay.

There are 11 Contestants, but only enough competitions for 10 Finalists. Unfortunately, one Contestant must be eliminated.

Therefore, the first Elimination Poll will be set up after all the judgements have been posted. Contestants who receive more than one positive evaluation will be granted Immunity; viewers will then vote for Two (2) of the remainder to stay.

And now, the moment you've been waiting for...


OUR JUDGES


Standing in for Sharon Osbourne,
The Edgily Fluffy
SARKYCOW


Standing in for Randy Jackson,
Poser Extraordinaire
GRITS


Standing in for Simon Cowell,
Everyone's Favorite Snide Bastard,
STOO





LET THE GAMES BEGIN!


 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Quizmaster:
PURGATORY THREAD

"And Mizraim begat Ludim, and Anamim, and Lehabim, and Naphtuhim."

Discuss!

---

quote:

---

And you tried so hard. It’s just a shame you missed the point of the competition, and are unable to distinguish between the tones required for the different boards. Probably the best thing you can do is go home and spend more time reading the boards and practising those different tones. Maybe compete again in several years time.

---

quote:

---

Whoa, dude. You may be too smart for this board. You got to bring it down, baby. Think about who's out there, who your audience is. Your words have got to speak to the masses. Just let it come from your heart next time, bro.

---

quote:

---

Dear God... X Factor? I've seen more of the X Factor in the first half of the alphabet.

A paltry attempt.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
12 bar blues in the key of Hell...

Calling "Luvable Fred" to Hell

Okay. I just happen to have here a large mug of my own diarrhoea. Fresh, warm and stinking. And I might just drink it. Because that would be infinititely preferable to having to read another one of your posts. And I'd have a better chance of waching the taste out of my mouth by the end of the week.

What the **** gives you the right to claim that real christians only think like you do? Like we really need a church of morons who couldn't be trusted to remember to remove their trousers when going to the toilet.

****, when I read some of your drivel I literally retch. And no, dipwad, adding smilies to your inherently disrespectful and narrow-minded posts does not somehow make it all okay. It just reinforces how much of a ****muppet you really are.

I don't know what stone you crawled out from underneath, but kindly go and get that stone and whack your head with it until you lose consciousness. Any change in personality such an action could cause can only be an improvement.

****knuckle.

[ETA: PM on the way]

---

quote:

---

*stands up and applauds* That was beautiful. You're clearly
confident, at ease with the style for hell, and capable of delivering a
brilliant performance. I can see you winning this competition if you keep
this standard up. The only things I would, or even could, criticise are a
few teensy-weensy spelling and grammar mistakes. But a good style coach
could correct these easily. You were fabulous darling.

---

quote:

---

That is a killer post, dude. I thought you was really going to
chug-a-lug your own poo! And I especially love how you offer suggestions
and not just criticism. You rock!

---

quote:

---

Well, it started badly and just went downhill from there.

The subject matter was completely unoriginal. I've seen it done a hundred
times before, and a hundred times better.

The imagery was crude; both in subject and effect - and - good grief - did
you really rehash the stone and crawling metaphor? Really?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Vikki Pollard:
Heaven:

Your Life - the Edited Version

As I was waiting for 120 seconds after a recent post, I got to thinking about those tales of how people see their lives pass before them as they are dying - a bit like the opening to Green Wing, where the whole of the last week's episode is shown speeded-up.

And as I pressed the Edit button I wondered, which parts of your life would you edit if you could - how and why? Would it be for a rewrite of the script? Would you 'find God' (or He find you) earlier? Or later, so you could have that misspent youth you've always hankered for?

Would you be in a different place in your family? Or in the world? Choose a different career? Have pets? Get rid of that pesky allergy? Call yourself something funky instead of the plain old name which has never really felt like you? Or would you just never have started that thread on diarrhoea which ended up with you getting thrown off the Ship?

Ideas please - but no regrets allowed - life's too short!


Edited to make a point.

---

quote:

---

I loved the slightly tongue-in-cheek style of this post. A jokey
beginning, seguing smoothly to a slightly more questioning and serious
middle, and that little cheeky coda. Beautiful. My one caveat is your
uncalled-for mention of diarrhoea ? it's not really heavenly, is it petal?
Tidy up small details like that, and you'll go far.

---

quote:

---

Girlfriend, it's time for a wakeup call for you. Your talents just
aren't happening here. You need to throw on some bling and hit the
streets! Get out and experience life, baby. Then you'll be able to really
move us with your posts.

---

quote:

---

Let me just stop you right there, before I fall into a coma. It's
just plain dull. I am left with keyboard marks on my forehead and drool on
the spacebar.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by dolphy:
All Saints:
Hello I am new here

Hello to all on this wonderful Ship. This is my first post and I wanted to let you all know that I am here and that I you all for making this place so warm, welcoming and fun. I am not sure if this is the right place to make this first post but you all have my and my In fact, I have been waiting for ever to find such a wonderful Christian on-line community such as this. I stumbled across The Ship when I was much younger but decided to lurk here for a while so that I could take time to understand how things work here. I must say how much of a comfort it has been to me reading all your threads and I am really looking forward to adding my thoughts and dreams to this wonderful community. May I also take this time to thank all my friends who finally convinced me to stop lurking and become a fully fledged member of this loving community, my parents who brought me up to be a good Christian woman, and my dog who has patiently sat by my side while I have read all the threads here and finally I would like to thank all you shipmates for enriching my life with your posts. I hope that you will welcome me with open arms and I am really looking forward to posting more.

God bless you all

---

quote:

---

All Saints isn't one of the styles I enjoy reading regularly;
however, you've carried it off well. The 'love' smilies scattered through
were a nice touch ? not enough to overwhelm the senses, but just enough to
give the air of a keen, eager, joyful and energetic, albeit naïve, newbie.

---

quote:

---

Hey, hey, Fishy Lady. I can feel the love, girl. I appreciate all
the good vibes you are sending out, but I gotta be real wit cha -- them
birdies are falling and so is your score.

---

quote:

---

Stop!

You were supposed to produce an interesting or witty opening post. You've
done yourself no favours whatsoever in creating one that would be shut done
as soon as the AS hostesses read it.

You might get away with that on other sites, but this is about finding
someone with star potential. Go back to Yahoo Chat.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
All Saints

Announcing a meet at Threadneedle Street, The Needles, 4/12/04 at 7pm.

Bring a sample of your Favourite Thread with you (material and colour of your choice)
and we will weave a beautiful prayer curtain together.

Table will be booked in the name of Fred Bear.

OK, who's up for it? Let's get the arrangements sewn up, asap.

---

quote:

---

An original and amusing pastiche of an All Saints thread. Full
marks for creativity, even if the joke felt a little forced by the end of
the post. I'd like to see you producing some more serious work later in the
competition.

---

quote:

---

Meetin' and greetin' -- you got that down, awright. But, girl, you
gotta know -- no one is actually still sewing anymore. If you want to get
your mojo working around here, you got to get down with knitting. That's
right, baby! Think big needles and big thread. Big, big, big for a big,
big, big score!

---

quote:

---

Dear Lord, I think I'm going to be sick.

The imagery is corny and the whole idea is cheesier than stilton.

I have to admit though, it is original. I'll put you through on the
condition that we see something heavier in the next round.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by RuthW:
PURGATORY

Wymyn's Rites Now

Wymin need to throw off the patriarchal shackles of Christianity. It's a man's religion: made by men for men who use it to keep wimmin down. Everything gets blamed on Eve, just because she wouldn't be Adam's doormat. Given a little consciousness-raising, Eve would have seen the light and gone off with Lilith. And maybe she did! After all, it was men who wrote the Bible; there's no way they would admit that two wimin could do without them.

And I'm here to tell you, Ship of Fools is totally complicit. Who are the hosts of Heaven, where all good Christians supposedly go when they die? All men. Who owns the whole enterprise? A man. If I lose this contest, it'll be because a man is running it.

Men will say I should be posting in Hell; they want to write us wymmyn off as ranting hysterics and push us underground. But wymmin have taken too much *bleep* for way too *bleep*-ing long.


Readers check the newbie's profile ...

Screenname: Medusa

Location: the Amazon

Occupation: commune rota mistress

Interests: eco-feminism, liberal feminism, third wave feminism, womyn and feminism, raisin cakes

Picture: Click here.

Religion: Goddess worship

Profile/essay/sermon: A womyn without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Favorite boards: Click here and scroll down.

---

quote:

---

You're very angry my dear. And you've produced a post that
doesn't give much room for discussion, as well being perhaps a little too
intemperate for Purgatory. Still, it's certainly an original, solid effort,
and I look forward to seeing you give us your unique interpretations of the
different posting styles required.

---

quote:

---

I gotta give your props, Ruthie. You made me think. Dang, you
almost made me cry. Ah feel your pain, woman. I hear you roar,
girlfriend! Let's raise the roof for the lady, ya'll!

---

quote:

---

Once again, we have a clueless OP, and no doubt a clueless OPer.

You've not produced a suitable post for your chosen board.

Do you think the panel are just here because we have nothing better to do?
Grits in particular has an extremely busy lunching schedule.

We're not here for time wasters.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
STYX THREAD

ARE COMPETITION JUDGES ON THIS SHIP CORRUPT, OR WHAT?

I've entered just about every competition that's been on this ship since I signed up. My entries are really well-thought out and witty and my boyfriend just about wets himself laughing at them, but I never get noticed.

It seems to me that the same people always win, which suggests just a bit of ... favourtism.

I'm not whinging. I just want a straight answer.

---

quote:

---

An interesting approach for a Styx thread, and not one usually
thought of. You approached the subject with verve, hitting it full on, and
leaving no room for doubts. You also made an unusual choice of board, also,
showing your own confidence in tackling the difficult styles first. I
eagerly anticipate seeing what else you can do.

---

quote:

---

You know what they say, sweetie: You always hurt the one you love.
Your man loves you, and it's hard to be honest when the truth is filled
with pain. But I'm gonna take the fall for him, girl, and lay it on the
line: Your posts are just, well... lame.

---

quote:

---

I suggest you get your boyfriend checked out for incontinence. It
surely isn't the humour in your posts that have him wetting his pants if
this is anything to go by. It's just shoddy! A pitiful excuse for an OP.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

---

(pops head round the door)
erm
if this is a game, why isn't in the Circus ?

(runs away again)
 

---

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by STOO:
Once again, we have a clueless OP, and no doubt a clueless OPer.

You've not produced a suitable post for your chosen board.

Do you think the panel are just here because we have nothing better to do?
Grits in particular has an extremely busy lunching schedule.

We're not here for time wasters.

---

Humph! The wimmin liked it.

Would toss hair here if I had any.
 

---

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :
 
Yeah, you'd better vote for Ruth guys.

Else she'll stomp on yer feet in those Doc Martens .

[brings back memories of the feminist/Marxist/radical etcetc Eng Lit students I used to drink coffee with late into the night when I was an undergrad. All my friends were either Christians or Marxists. I was pretty happy flitting between the 2 camps, wearing clothes with a lot of redundant zips. And black. A lot of black. And a whole collection of crucifixes. I Just Said No to the Marxists' hash brownies...)

[ 23. November 2004, 17:01: Message edited by: welsh dragon ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
Circus Poll: What sort of Alcoholic are You?
12 questions, 36 choices.

Sample 1
: For breakfast my favourite beverage is:
1) Beer
2) Good beer
3) Cider
4) Whisky
5) Whiskey
6) G'n'T
7) Gin
8) Vodka
9) Tequila
10) Rum
11) too drunk to remember
12) Other - please post

Q2:
a)Career
b)Apprentice
c)non-
d)I am not an alco0itjjj1!

---

quote:

---

It was a valiant effort petal, but I really feel that perhaps
you're playing in the wrong league? I think that the Circus hosts would
probably close that poll, for falling too far outside the remit of the
boards. I think that if you carry on in the competition, you'll only upset
and embarrass yourself, which we would all hate to see happen.

---

quote:

---

Hey, I am all over this one. I checked 'em all, dude. What's say
you and me hook up after this contest is history, knock back a few, and hit
the highway i my brand new Lamborghini Diablo. w00t!!!

---

quote:

---

No.

I'm stopping you there. To be frank, I really don't care. Especially not
when there are 12 threatened questions.

[aside]
I told you we should have banned polls.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:
(first posted in Hell...then kicked over to heaven)

Why the English Should rule the Universe

*Please my American friends, don't post on this thread, unless you agree with the OP.
*By all means, subjects from the other former colonies of the Queen, post your thoughts here. unless you are one of the few that don't agree the OP. Thanks for your cooperation in advance. Since I am nice, the hosties will strike down those who oppose my little rules.

-A proper cup of tea is an artform that there is a dearth of, we need to teach it to all, throw out your tea bags!
-Coffee is inferior to tea. Tea-break, not coffee-break!
-Your American Corporations are making everyone fat! Listen to SIR Morgan Spurlock, HONORARY U.K. KNIGHTHOOD has been bestowed on him.
-Other recent American recipients of honorary knighthoods include Bob Hope, Secretary of State designate Colin Powell, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf and former presidents George Bush and Ronald Reagan, just in case you were wondering.
-Our Church of England has class, dashing vestments, a repatiore of fine knowledge and the nuances in baking, when it comes to baking scones.
-We speak the Queen's English. You should too. Abandon your abaxial accents at once!
-Our royal family has your admiration and your support. Quit printing tabloids about them unless you wish to fiscally support them as well ... tithe 10% of your income.
-Good manners are rapidly going out of style in your countries. We have a stiff upper lip, and subtle put downs. Irony never works in America...we need to bring it back!
-President Blair has a nice ring to it. President of these United States of Britain. Yes.
-the Queen has a secret compartment in her handbag. We will share with you what it is if you let us rule you (you know you are dying to know what she stores in there).
-Prince Charles longs to give you advice on your architecture. Let him help you guide your city plans. Vegas is an eyesore! It needs a make-over.
-Our lagers, our bitters, our ales. You're welcome.
-A good kidney pie never hurt anyone.
-Canadians, you need special training on the proper pronounciation of the following words: about, out, aye (not eh). Also get rid of your forced second language forms.
-Cricket, Candians, not hockey.
-Football is soccer, not quarterback shuffling, Yankees.
-vegemite is no subsitute for marmite. Give it up.
-Our money is really cute and fun. The pound coins feel nice in your hands. You know you want it. It has a greater value too! Use less, buy more!
-Salt Vinegar Crisps for everybody
-Stomp out the hamburger! Eat Bangers!
-Bridget Jones is the female ideal, not Pamela Anderson. Replace at once!
-David Beckham is the male ideal, not Justin Timberlake. Replace at once!
-All men will be forced to listen to tapes of Alan Rickman and learn how more effectively express the Queen's language. Roll your "r"s!
-All women will be forced to listen to tapes of Emma Thompson and learn how to do the same. Splendid.
-Smaller portions please. You will lose weight quickly.
-American, learn to embrace the "U" as your favourite word, love your neighbours.
-Bobby outfits are much more dashing then "cops". Learn also to leave your guns in your trunks. You don't need to carry them around to police the people.
-Free Universal Health Care Now! Abandon your Fee-based-system.
-Hollywood keeps borrowing our ideas and making their own versions of our shows. We want you to cut that out now! To make up for that, we want you to make a British Sex in the City show, based in London. There would be no sex in that (we're English!) but we are natually sexy and don't need to have sex to show that.
-Canterbury Chocolate, not Hershey
-Tim Tams make good penguins
-Please take back Madonna, we don't want her. Instead, give us Joe Jackson. We want him back New York.
-Greenwich Time rules you all. Admit it.
-Metrics you silly Americans. But do start using stones instead of pounds.
-Our London cab drivers have a map of London in their heads. Yours don't even speak English. Come to think of it, ours don't either. Got to work on those ones with the Alan Rickman tapes.
-Irony is lost on the Americans. Let us teach you. Letterman's ironic? How quaint.
-You mustn't think President Bush is smart. How could you? President Blair does have a nice ring to it
-Our passports look cooler and are more user-friendly. You know you want one!
-The White House does not contain royalty, it never has and never will.
-Fox hunting everywhere. Let us destroy all your rabbits in Australia with style.
-Stop eating Kanagroos, Australians.

---

quote:

---

I just didn't get this one, darling. You seemed to work yourself
up, but into such a frenzy, that I couldn't understand what you were
shouting about. And you then carried on and on, not really noticing that
the audience was left behind in bewilderment and some boredom. It's great
that you're so enthusiastic, and that you found an issue on which to create
a Hellish rant, but you need to temper your ranting, watching for
indications of how it is being received. The best hellish rants are pithy
and leave the reader in no doubt about their point. I felt you were trying
to take too broad a subject perhaps. Sharpen your focus, and remember to
keep your posts concise and comprehensible, and I can see your enthusiasm
carrying you far in this competition.

---

quote:

---

Girl, I am so down wit you. Life is full of mystery, but, ba-bee,
you have nailed it in one succinct post! You da bomb!

---

quote:

---

I had to check my pulse midway through reading that.

After that, I had to get Sarky to pinch me.

It was too long, too dreary, and too inaccurate.

Before posting in an English style, it's normally a good idea to understand
exactly what an English style is.

No-one in the UK wants Blair for a President. Unless it's POTUS.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Hell Thread...

I split a nail and I'm so mad I could spit

Really. I could just spit, spit, spit! It was those d*rn wrappers they put around CDs. You just can't get them off. What are they thinking? They have no consideration whatsoever. And it was "the Carpenter's Greatest Hits", which I'd wanted for a long time.

I was so excited until I split my nail trying to get the d*rn wrapper off. I mean really. What's my manicurist going to say?

Don't you just HATE it!!!!

---

quote:

---

You just seemed to be trying a little too hard here, as if you were attempting to act being yourself. However, your acting of yourself, particularly with the studied pose you struck at the beginning, made this post live. I could really see you strutting the stage, and pouting ridiculously, as you struggled to come to terms with a world which doesn’t revolve around you. Have a little more confidence in who you are sweetie, because you’re great, and we want to see the real you.

---

quote:

---

Life is tuff, dude. T-U-F-F, tuff. But you can't let that color the tone of your posts. You gotta suck it up before you can spit it out. Wait until you've lived a little longer. Then you'll have the stuff it takes to really sing the blues.

---

quote:

---

Had you put in a link to a thread this was parodying, I may have given you a ticket to the next round. As it is, I can only assume you believe this would pass as a genuine hell thread.

How wrong you are.

By the way; your last sentence needed a question mark.

---

 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
ANNOUNCEMENT

Due to technical difficulties, Rossweisse's evaluation is not yet complete. Sorry for any incovenience; we hope the show will go on soon.
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
Thank you, Belisarius. I was afraid I wasn't even going to have the opportunity to get publicly dissed.


 

---

Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rossweisse:
Hell (Translated from the original Trollish; this transcript has been edited for length and coherence.)

This forum is riddled with anti-* feelings. Yes, I'm talking to you, you putrid fetid horrid pile of (bleep) with the sewer-gas breath and the nasty yellow teeth. You hate the *. Admit it. You look for opportunities to trash the *. You keep talking about the English and how they should rule. What is that about except anti-* bigotry, eh? Anti-* bigotry makes me terribly angry. Terribly, terribly, terribly angry. But it is Totally Righteous anger, so I am entitled, whereas you are just a foul stinking dog-(bleep) whose owner refuses to carry a scooper and plastic bag, which also makes me so furious I could easily pop the top off my head while thinking about the whole problem of anti-* dog owners who won't scoop poop. And then there are cats and cat owners; they are just plain evil and tools of Satin. Don't give me any lip about that or I will know for sure that you are anti-* and in Satin's pocket. And don't even get me started on drivers who cut in front of me on the highway, and are conspiring against the *, or they wouldn't cut in front of me, because they're just stinking (bleep)ing bigots. People who are anti-* don't know what they're talking about, and they're all going straight to hell anyway, but slagging them and glowing in the pure fire of my fury sure beats sitting here wondering why I'm slouched all alone at 2 in the morning in my trash-filled room in front of the flickering glare of my terminal, pondering why it is that no one cares about me. The bastards.


* = The Ethnic Group or Religious Denomination of Your Choice

---

quote:

---

You started superbly, with a wonderful mixture of enthusiasm, invective and lucidity, which carried the audience along with you. However, this strong start faltered slightly towards the end, as you slipped in a derogatory comment towards yourself. I think the beginning style was a little too strong and bile-filled, to sustain this comment; instead of coming across as tongue-in-cheek, or “equal opportunities attacking”, it read as if your confidence in the post dissipated, and you needed to mock the character in order to distance yourself. This simply doesn’t work in a hell thread, and I think you felt that even as you said it. Still, everyone makes mistakes, and it was an otherwise lovely exemplar post of a Hellish rant. Remember to hold firm to whatever line you choose to take in each round, and you shouldn’t go far wrong.

---

quote:

---

I'm sorry to be so cold, little sister, but you got "wannabe" written all over you. You better dry dock it until you can come out here and really make us feel the wrath of Satin.

---

quote:

---

To be blunt, that was terribly, terribly, terribly bad.

Your topic was vapid, and even then you managed to trail off into mind-numbing oblivion.

You really ought to spend more time studying why it is that no-one cares about you. Especially if that means you won't be posting anything else like this.

Oh, and Grits - I do believe you mean Satan.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stoo:
...Oh, and Grits - I do believe you mean Satan.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stoo:
What is it that makes everyone seem to think they are qualified to do things far beyond their technical capabilities?

---

Thank-you, your royal highness. What makes you think you're qualified to be King, I mean judge?
 

---

Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Sine, honey, do you really think that's a smart question? Do try not to antgonise Stoo until the competition is over. I'd hate you to ruin your chances.

Why don't you take this waiting time, and use it to practise your different posting styles? I'm confident that you'll make it through to the next round, and I'd love to see how you handle some of the other boards

Sarkycow, Judge
 

---

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
Yeah, that one's gonna cost you, Sine.
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sarkycow:
Sine, honey, do you really think that's a smart question? Do try not to antgonise Stoo until the competition is over.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stoo:
Actually, Ruth, I would recommend that you just give up and go home.

Perhaps you could take Rossweisse with you. Maybe it would help to calm you both down. ...

---

Ruth, we did it -- our acts were so good that a judge actually thought we were posting seriously, rather than in (assumed) character.

Win or lose, that makes it all worthwhile!

Rossweisse // yes, yes, I'm assuming "lose"
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
I did my post just to entertain, I don't expect to win. I did not expect the lectures from the judges but I am sure it was for the common good. Glad to see I hit a tender spot thinking of a limey prez. Blair would make an excellnt POTUK (UK would have it's old empire back...c'mon...you know secretly you want that to be true).

I wouldn't mind, being part limey myself and enjoying a homemade scone myself. Bring it on.

Limeyland rox. I mean Great Britain owning the world. Thx.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
ANNOUCEMENT

The Poll has closed and its results have been copied and stored (please e-mail me if you wish to see the results).

We regret to announce that Sir Kevin lost this Elimination Round.

Of the Nine remaining Elimination Rounds, the next Two will provide a chance for Contestants to gain Immunity. Each Judge will include a score with his/her evaluation:

• 0 = Unacceptable
• 1 = Below Average
• 2 = Adequate
• 3 = Good or Better

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
(like "Jerk," for example*)

---

OMG! It's moi. Even down to the cigarette. I feel so shamed.
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
(like "Jerk," for example*)

---

OMG! It's moi. Even down to the cigarette. I feel so shamed.

---

Oh Sine! It IS you in Will&Grace!! I knew it!


 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
Prompted by the thread, ‘Divine right to Shag’

originally posted by Coitus Continuous

quote:

---

Who do you think you are, some anally-retentive b*tch with the right to dictate my morals? What is your problem with me?

---

I’ve had it with you.

Or rather, I haven’t – and maybe that’s your problem with me? You seem to think that just because you feel free to leap into bed with as many Shipmates as possible, we should all be doing the same. And when a dissenting voice or two is heard, you then feel free to shoot them down in flames. OK. That’s your right. It’s my right to reply. Since you seem to be interested, here (in no particular order) are my comments about your behaviour on these boards.

Contrary to what you seem to believe, I have no objection to your morals. I just don’t particularly want to hear about them over breakfast.

I don’t think ‘in the interests of research’, however funny you find it, is a good enough excuse for your nefarious activity. It would have to be a dull day on the Shipping forecast before your research into ANYthing was more interesting than watching paint dry.

I think waiting 3 years before admitting that you have been to Shipmeets all over the world in order to bed innocent victims was far too long. 6 months would have been kinder all round, especially to those poor women in the foursome. How COULD you put those photos on the Net? How DARE you put a link from All Saints under the title, “Sisterly Love”? Have you any idea what you have done to that community of Benedictine Nuns in Idaho who were trying out Google for the first time?

I think the blurb on the back cover of your book (and I quote), “See how these Christians love one another!” is a gratuitous perversion of Scripture. I also think the photos were disgusting and unedifying, except perhaps the joke one of you standing in front of the alligator pool – I grant you, that was quite amusing.

For me, the last straw was your very detailed account of your last five encounters (at a SHIP WEDDING, for heaven’s sake!) with a poll for people to vote on the best. Tacky? That’s an insult to tack. Self-respect? You obviously don’t know the meaning of the word – but respect for others is an integral part of this community, and IMHO you don’t deserve a place in it any more. You are a self-obsessed, self-important, slimy, skanky, uncaring, probably STD-carrying piece of scum. And so, for that matter, are the 43 people who voted.

BTW I notice YOUR genitals appear to be the only ones not featured in the many photographs in your book. Is it possible they are so small they don’t show up on film?

Anally retentive? MOI? Hah! I’d keep all your back-door exits (and entrances?) well-closed if I were you, or you might just find a computer keyboard jammed up there so far that you’ll need the services of a very understanding proctologist. Quickly. Because my prediction is you’re gonna be walking that plank so fast you may not even get chance to read this. Good riddance.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Quoted from the thread, 'Quenching the Spirit', by Rev320:

quote:

---

Only when we rid the church of traditional church choirs will the Holy Spirit be able to move freely in the land

---

I woke up this morning to see a hand of fire, burning the following message into my ceiling:
'Go ye into all the land and use Rev320 as a butt-wipe. The Holy Spirit™ hath spoken. P.S. I love church choirs '

Get thee behind me Satan.
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
context: in the midst of a hellish debate about conventional medicine and alternative therapies for cancer

quote:

---

Originally posted by Whine:
My how things have deteriorated in this discussion. I guess it's only to be expected the way you people have all been brainwashed by the medical profession (you cannot trust doctors, who have all been influenced and bribed by the pharmaceutical companies.) I wholly recommend this website and any of the books sold on that site. They are well researched and insightful reviews of all the medical literature on the subject.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
THIS ROUND'S CHALLENGE

Each Contestant must post an impressively cutting put-down to someone (like "Jerk," for example*) in Hell without resorting to profanity. The Thread subject is up to the Contestant, as is the mood (high sarcasm, controlled loathing, etc.).

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by RooK:
I'm sure you can recall one of your cohorts involved with the original idea. Now listen carefully: they were setting you up to look like an idiot. Again. Please allow this to notch that rusty clockwork you use for a brain ahead enough cogs so that can realize that you should be angry about this. Let me help you get even.

---

You know, Miss CeeCee, you really are a piece of work. Hosts and Admins were specifically prohibited from taking part in this competition. But you just couldn't stand it, could you? You have posted not once, but twice where you had no business posting at all.

What is it with you? You mock and ridicule Heaven and fluffy bunnies, but as soon as there's some attention to be garnered, you're up here like a shot screaming "Look at me! Look at me! Don't forget little WooKie! Me! Me! Me! I'm so clever. Please tell me I'm clever!"

Well, hon, get a grip. You're not. You're just a pathetic, bald, emotionally needy Canuckistani who couldn't even get a job in his own pathetic country and had emigrate (doubtlessly illegally) to a real nation to find employment.

I really suspect Bel can run these boards and this competitionn without your "help". So why don't you trot on back to Hell where you can ponce around to the admiring comments of your ass-licking little clique of so-called "denizens".

We don't need you up here. Really we don't.

And by the way...nobody really believes you about your mythical girlfriend or your mythical car. Most of us stopped making things up to appear cool when we were sixteen or so. While I realize that is your approximate emotional age, it doesn't become you. Anymore than those kinky drawings and jejune poetry on your website do.

God, you're weird. Weird and pathetic. What a freak.
 

---

Posted by Quizmaster (# 1435) on :
 
ALL SAINTS

"The Bad Ideas Meet"

All those who want to meet up, have a few beers and discuss how many more bad ideas Belisarius can come up with should gather on Saturday at the pub in London.

Please bring all your bad ideas with you!
 

---

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
OP from dolphy descends into hell

I can not believe you have forced me to do this, you low life, you butt boil, you pimple on the face of society. You reckon that you stand a chance? - think again you evil scheming sockmuppet. I am calling you here to be flame grilled, roasted and pulled to pieces, chewed up by the animals and then spat out again. You and your pathetic postings, you have not got a clue have you? You come in here, paint a great big target on your fat arse and then run away wimpering when you are shot. Scared now are you?, well you better be...be afraid, be very afraid. If I were you, I would run back home to Mummy, failing that, go play a game in the Circus, go post on the random thread if your intellect is up to it. Better start saying your prayers kid, you're gonna need them. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen coz it sure looks like dolphin is on the menu tonight.

(Yes, I have sent myself a pm).
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Doesn't sound much like 'self-preservation' to me....
 

---

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Hell hath no fury like a dolphin scorned
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by babybear:
I suggest "sucky machine" or "This robot sucks (TRS)".

Gort, you are starting to sound like the love-bot of Marvin the Paranoid Anderoid and Kryton from Red Dwarf... You are going to end up in therapy.

---

Calling babybear to Hell

You wanton stumpet when it comes to posting! How dare you flaunt yourself all over the place, like you are so cute and cuddly, when deep down, we all know you want to let loose and stab somebody with those knitting needles and shears!

Acting like you are so kind...you are evil to the core in your coal black Welsh heart, thinking you are hot *BLEEP* on a silver platter when you are really cold *BLEEP* on a paper-plate!

Telling the Gort-one that he needs therapy...all he needs is a vacation from your helpful lectures of Jung. And no, I am not over-reacting, not a bit. I am dead serious. For reals.

Hmph! Momma wasn't born yesterday ...I know you hate me with a brutal apathetic fashion just because I am not Welsh* and further more, because I am a Calivinist. Well let me tell you, there are no thin places left for you! No thin places! God took them away...away from YOU!

So go and knit me a bear, see if I care.

Word to the mother.


*except for 1/16th but that doesn't count because it ain't good enough for the likes of you.
 

---

Posted by babybear (# 34) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:
*except for 1/16th but that doesn't count because it ain't good enough for the likes of you.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
You know, Miss CeeCee, you really are a piece of work. Hosts and Admins were specifically prohibited from taking part in this competition. But you just couldn't stand it, could you? You have posted not once, but twice where you had no business posting at all.

< snip >

God, you're weird. Weird and pathetic. What a freak.

---

Now, Sine, don't be so hard on him. We all have our contradictory impulses that need outlets, though most of us find the latter in Real Life.

RooK surely must realize that some of the most cutting posts in the History of this Ship have been faultlessly polite. I don't want to believe he could be really be full of such self-destructive hostility--what a horrible life that would be for him! It's all part of his comically effective Atheist persona he's put so much time and effort in cultivating (and much appreciated, honestly).

RooK--I hope Sine's reaction shows that you've let your enthusiasm carry you a little too far. You don't need to perform for us all the time. I know you're scared of losing an excuse for people not to like you--that maybe people won't like the real you--but trust me, you'll feel so much better not hiding behind a mask all the time. We won't judge--we're here for you. Don't be afraid.


(Surprised none of the contestants took the False Pity route)
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
Hell isn't my natural habitat. I'm just too forgiving...
 

---

Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
Belisarius, you've shown me the error of my ways, bless your heart. I am utterly changed by your heroic efforts. Your kind and forgiving treatment of me should be a lesson for all.
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally waxed and considered out-loud by RooK:
Belisarius, you've shown me the error of my ways, bless your heart. I am utterly changed by your heroic efforts. Your kind and forgiving treatment of me should be a lesson for all.

---

Stop it unless it's for reals you sick maple-leaf, the conversion thang. You are such a tease for Jesus.

[ ]

[ 30. November 2004, 01:14: Message edited by: duchess ]
 

---

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
Heaven
(Hosted by: The Coot jr., Stoo jr., KenWritez jr.)

Great-Great Grandson of TDA is Born...
__________________________________________________________
Posted 29 November, 2018 23:35
__________________________________________________________

Since our last dating thread reached 25 pages and has been closed...again...I thought someone should make an attempt to bolster the fading hope of all my lonely geriatric friends out there who, after all these years, have yet to find that someone special. So, with faith in Christ that my desperate plea will be answered, I once again start this thread.

As many of you know, when duchess left me last year to enter the Convent of Saint Sappho of Lesvos, I have been without a companion. Please know that in spite of how things appear with regard to our breakup, I really am still a decent person and all those rumours of cult rituals and flagellation are completely false.

Anyway, I'm still available...anyone want to flirt or meet me in the Cafe?
__________________________________________________________
Posts: 102,326 - From: Babbling Creek Rest Home - Registered: May 2004 - IP: Unknown
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
(I'm having a little trouble wrapping my brain around the concept of "The Coot, Jr.")
 

---

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
He father was involved with 'gene therapy' in 2012.
 

---

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
Because RuthW has officially reacquired Moderator Status, we regret to announce that she is disqualified from further participation in SoF Idol.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Medusa:
And I'm here to tell you, Ship of Fools is totally complicit. Who are the hosts of Heaven, where all good Christians supposedly go when they die? All men. Who owns the whole enterprise? A man. If I lose this contest, it'll be because a man is running it.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by RooK:
Belisarius, you've shown me the error of my ways, bless your heart. I am utterly changed by your heroic efforts. Your kind and forgiving treatment of me should be a lesson for all.

---

 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I will donate half my winnings to RuthW
 

---

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by RuthW:
You fear our strength... you misogynistic pipsqueaks. You are right to be afraid of us. We wymun are going to take over, and your narrow-minded, rule-bound, hair-splitting days are numbered.

---

Amen Sister!

I donate all my winnings, three cases of the finest wines and chocolate to our Sister RuthW.

 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by RuthW:
They're suddenly short-handed in Purgatory, I offer (out of the goodness of my heart) to help out for a little while, and you seize the opportunity to throw me out of the SoF Idol competition. It figures. I knew this would happen. ...

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
...Although it saddens me that RuthW has to leave, we must remember that this is a serious competition and she now has the ability to edit other competitors posts. In a competition where the whole point is to impress everyone with the quality of your posts doesn't it strike you as a little bit risky to allow someone with such powers to be a competitor. ...

---

No. I trust Ruth implicitly.

Rossweisse // not being facetious
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
For Nomination.....

Sisterhood.

Pah!

Another bunch of whiners in search of a clue. Because, God knows, if they were searching for a cause, they couldn't find it if it was nailed to their cushy well rounded netherparts with a jackhammer.

Let me enlighten you "sisters". The reason women can't get ahead is that they can't stop infighting amongst their catty backstabbing donut-stuffing selves. Small wonder we use you as receptionists.

Glass Ceiling? Hah! Waa Waa Waaaaaaa! Sniffle. You're breaking my heart. The glass ceiling can't be broken because there are 40 women hanging on to the leg of one woman trying to climb the ladder! Your nothing but easy targets for your betters. Your betters, of course, being Men.

You see, having a big swingin' hangy-down-thing really enables one to discern what's important, that being, letting you women think that whining and bellyachin' is going to get you into the corporate office with the golden toilets (the one's we never let you see). We figure (correctly) that as long as you are busy whining, we can actually get the real work down and show the Good Ole Boys that they were right all along, women should be in the bedroom and out of the boardroom.

Now if you find this offensive, we understand how PMS works. It's okay. We'll wait for you to get over it, we always have.
 

---

Posted by Goodric (# 8001) on :
 
Is this really just an act....?
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
My girlfriend is a Feminist Goddess, ask RuthW.
 

---

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 
Your girlfriend betrayed us all when she went over to the Dark Side and started dating you.
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 


Me? Why I'm just a fun lovin' harmless little guy with a great big keyboard.
 

---

Posted by Goodric (# 8001) on :
 
"harmless" - now I know he's lying. That was no parody, Mad Geo that came from the heart.
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
Don't make me come over there and kiss you.

[ 30. November 2004, 22:30: Message edited by: Mad Geo ]
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Goodric:
Is this really just an act....?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Grits:
I'm thinking he'd better be watching out for his hangy-down-thing.

---

Absolutely.
 

---

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
I have a very sharp kitchen knife and am not afraid to use it.

(silly spelling)

[ 01. December 2004, 07:57: Message edited by: dolphy ]
 

---

Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 
I have a blunt one, and I'm prepared to hack away with it too.
 

---

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 
That's the spirit, wimmin! Castrating bitches of the world unite!
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
Good Luck ladyz.

You're gonna need to bring a cutting torch to bobbetize me after I made that nomination. Chainmail is my friend (click on "codpiece", if you're not at work).
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by RuthW:
That's the spirit, wimmin! Castrating bitches of the world unite!

---

The Senior Child just offered to lend me her grandfather's World War II machete, which she somehow sweet-talked him into giving her.

Oh, she says she'd be happy to help with the operation. Another generation of castrating bitches is born!

Rossweisse // I'm so proud!
 

---

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
<sings>

Sisters are doing it for themselves


Just wondering if we really need to use these large weapons, perhaps tweezers might be better, after all, we all know how men lie about their size
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by dolphy:
<sings>

Sisters are doing it for themselves


Just wondering if we really need to use these large weapons, perhaps a forklift might be better, after all, we all know how men lie about their size

---

I fixed your post.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Isn't this the point where Mad Geo starts drawing pictures?
Oh no, I've got the wrong person......
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
ANNOUNCEMENT

Though Stoo may sneer at such solicitude for a competitor, the solidarity exhibited for RuthW is admirable. SoF Idol, however, is unfortunately a harsh mistress and must be above suspicion. Kiwigoldfish's tongue-in-cheek post aside, there were undoubtedly other Moderators who would have liked to compete, but the possible complications would have been too many. Ruth knew the risks when she became an Admin Emerita.

Her dismissal, of course, is the equivalent of an Honorable Discharge. We at SoF Idol will be happy to have her as a Featured Poster in the SoF Idol Runner-Up Spectacular, to be held during the final Elimination Round, as well as inclusion in any future "Best Of" compilation.
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by dolphy:
Just wondering if we really need to use these large weapons, perhaps tweezers might be better, after all, we all know how men lie about their size

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mad Geo:
I fixed your post.

---

This is war! You evil cheat you... how dare you fix my post...

Best watch your little dangly bit from now on!
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 


You know, I am really starting to enjoy this Hell-Minion in Heaven stuff. Go figure.

When's the next round of Judging?
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
The Judges have been contacted; we hope to have evaluations coming in soon.
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Cool.

....would someone take away my grrrl card if I admitted that I am finding Madge really flipping hilarious right now?
 

---

Posted by Goodric (# 8001) on :
 
Go Mad Geo!

This one has got to make entry - but I fear for its future survival...

[ 01. December 2004, 20:06: Message edited by: Goodric ]
 

---

Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
HOST ON

Sorry to interrupt!

This thread is a game and so ought to be in the Circus, not Heaven. Apologies for not catching this earlier.

Off we go....

HOST OFF
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by KenWritez:
...This thread is a game and so ought to be in the Circus, not Heaven. Apologies for not catching this earlier.

Off we go....

---

But....but....but....

This was started by an ADMIN! Can a host just up and transfer it down to the subbasement, just like that?

(Evidently so, but still:)

Rossweisse // not a regular here

[ 02. December 2004, 00:24: Message edited by: Rossweisse ]
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
Apparently I am not the only one around here with a big swingin' hangy-down-thingy. I could swear I just saw Kenwritez go by with his swingin....
 

---

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 

quote:

---

we hope to have evaluations coming in soon.

---

After reading through all the responses to Mad Geo, I read this as "ejaculations"!

(I know, I know... I'm working on my critiques, Bel.)
 

---

Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mad Geo:
Apparently I am not the only one around here with a big swingin' hangy-down-thingy. I could swear I just saw Kenwritez go by with his swingin....

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by KenWritez:
This thread is a game and so ought to be in the Circus, not Heaven. Apologies for not catching this earlier.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
SoF Idol, however, is unfortunately a harsh mistress and must be above suspicion.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by RuthW:

quote:

---

Originally posted by KenWritez:
This thread is a game and so ought to be in the Circus, not Heaven. Apologies for not catching this earlier.

---

A game? The oppression of wombyn is a game?!?! Sorry, I'm not playing.

---

Tom, reading the thread carefully and considering his position on the ship decides that he does not want to get branded as an 'oppressor' of women, wombyn, wimmin or generally the female sex.

Also, The Circus is not an implement which can be used in the oppression, discrimination or general mistreatment of the fairer sex. Bearing all this in mind, and taking a quick look around to see if anyone has noticed he decides to pass the buck back to the Heavenly Boyz.

They have much more experience in dealing with strange wymin.
 

---

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
I'm beginning to feel like a volleyball tossed into the middle of the info-superhighway.
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
Mad Geo, you misspelt "Minis."
 

---

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
<Sees Kiwigoldcarp's reply>

<Evil thought balloon appears over Mad Geo's head>

<Considers Options>

Hmmm, do not know if Kiwigold is one of Them or is, worse, a guy who's sig other keeps his Unit in a gerkin jar and only lets him have it on special occasions like his birthday. Can't attack there.....

<Weighs more options>
What to do, what to do, hmmmm. Well when in doubt with traitorous Hell wretches, it's often good to Attack! Again, do not know sex and we are in Heaven. Darn.

<Frustration grimace appears on Mad Geo's face>
Dagnabit, oh well, Plan C, ignore offending BLEEP as not worthy of noticing (cause really they are not more important than say, me, anyway).

So, hi again everybody! Wasn't that an interesting ride up and down the boards. Feel like a pinball stuck in a Hostly pinball machine.

<Whew>

[ 02. December 2004, 15:27: Message edited by: Mad Geo ]
 

---

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Mad Geo, remember we have the tweezers, and remember we are not afraid to use them
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by RuthW:
A game? The oppression of wombyn is a game?!?! Sorry, I'm not playing.

---

quote:

---

...thus completing the classic virgin/whore model held out for wymon to emulate throughout the history of the patriarchal mess that is Western "civilization." ...

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rossweisse:
[Urgent whisper] Ruth! Ruth! It's DICHOTOMY! 'The virgin-whore DICHOTOMY!'[/Urgent whisper]

---

Slaps forehead. Can't believe I missed that one. But I got "hegemony" in there.
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by RuthW:
But I got "hegemony" in there.

---

And you get points for it!



Rossweisse // brushing up my Wimyn's Vocab
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Men don't know what true happiness is until after they're married. And then it's too late.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Vikki Pollard:
Prompted by the thread, ‘Divine right to Shag’

originally posted by Coitus Continuous

quote:

---

Who do you think you are, some anally-retentive b*tch with the right to dictate my morals? What is your problem with me?

---

I’ve had it with you.

Or rather, I haven’t – and maybe that’s your problem with me? You seem to think that just because you feel free to leap into bed with as many Shipmates as possible, we should all be doing the same. And when a dissenting voice or two is heard, you then feel free to shoot them down in flames. OK. That’s your right. It’s my right to reply. Since you seem to be interested, here (in no particular order) are my comments about your behaviour on these boards.

Contrary to what you seem to believe, I have no objection to your morals. I just don’t particularly want to hear about them over breakfast.

I don’t think ‘in the interests of research’, however funny you find it, is a good enough excuse for your nefarious activity. It would have to be a dull day on the Shipping forecast before your research into ANYthing was more interesting than watching paint dry.

I think waiting 3 years before admitting that you have been to Shipmeets all over the world in order to bed innocent victims was far too long. 6 months would have been kinder all round, especially to those poor women in the foursome. How COULD you put those photos on the Net? How DARE you put a link from All Saints under the title, “Sisterly Love”? Have you any idea what you have done to that community of Benedictine Nuns in Idaho who were trying out Google for the first time?

I think the blurb on the back cover of your book (and I quote), “See how these Christians love one another!” is a gratuitous perversion of Scripture. I also think the photos were disgusting and unedifying, except perhaps the joke one of you standing in front of the alligator pool – I grant you, that was quite amusing.

For me, the last straw was your very detailed account of your last five encounters (at a SHIP WEDDING, for heaven’s sake!) with a poll for people to vote on the best. Tacky? That’s an insult to tack. Self-respect? You obviously don’t know the meaning of the word – but respect for others is an integral part of this community, and IMHO you don’t deserve a place in it any more. You are a self-obsessed, self-important, slimy, skanky, uncaring, probably STD-carrying piece of scum. And so, for that matter, are the 43 people who voted.

BTW I notice YOUR genitals appear to be the only ones not featured in the many photographs in your book. Is it possible they are so small they don’t show up on film?

Anally retentive? MOI? Hah! I’d keep all your back-door exits (and entrances?) well-closed if I were you, or you might just find a computer keyboard jammed up there so far that you’ll need the services of a very understanding proctologist. Quickly. Because my prediction is you’re gonna be walking that plank so fast you may not even get chance to read this. Good riddance.

---

quote:

---

Very amusing. Beautiful listing of your ‘problems’ with him, each one racheting the amusement up another level. I wasn’t so sure about your ‘six months’ comment, however. Yet, overall, a sterling piece of work – solid, well-thought-out, amusing, and leaving the reader in no doubt of just how much you both are angry with, and despise this poster.

---

quote:

---

You know, Vikki girl, I’d have to say you are bucking to be the poster child for the “I’m Not Getting Any, and I’m P*ssed!” campaign. I also think you might need to reexamine your sexual orientation – not that I’d have a problem with that.

---

quote:

---

Well, you picked an easy target, which is never going to get you any favours. Having said that, however, I was enjoying your post until you resorted to smilies.

A picture might say a thousand words, but you’d have done much better writing them.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
Quoted from the thread, 'Quenching the Spirit', by Rev320:

quote:

---

Only when we rid the church of traditional church choirs will the Holy Spirit be able to move freely in the land

---

I woke up this morning to see a hand of fire, burning the following message into my ceiling:
'Go ye into all the land and use Rev320 as a butt-wipe. The Holy Spirit™ hath spoken. P.S. I love church choirs '

Get thee behind me Satan.

---

quote:

---

Very droll petal. Short, sweet, and to the point. You clearly didn’t feel the need to hector relentlessly, use long words, or even explode in anger and bile, to get your point across. And yet, you still left me cut to the quick. The ‘cool’ smilie at the end was a lovely touch.

---

quote:

---

Don’t mess with the Holy Spirit, dawg. Can I get a hallelujah?

---

quote:

---

I’m pretty sure ‘butt-wipe’ counts as a profanity. And you used a Cool smilie. In Hell. <shakes head> Fail.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
context: in the midst of a hellish debate about conventional medicine and alternative therapies for cancer

quote:

---

Originally posted by Whine:
My how things have deteriorated in this discussion. I guess it's only to be expected the way you people have all been brainwashed by the medical profession (you cannot trust doctors, who have all been influenced and bribed by the pharmaceutical companies.) I wholly recommend this website and any of the books sold on that site. They are well researched and insightful reviews of all the medical literature on the subject.

---

Petal, you and your fellow proponents of such conspiracy theories are to intelligent debate what Stephen Hawking is to tap-dancing.

Get a grip man. I have seen some of these books and they are clearly aimed at the section of the market whose parents should not have been allowed to breed. I assume by "well researched" you mean "had lots of footnotes."¹ The fact is, most of the journal articles that they cite not only fail to back up the point that your beloved "researchers" are trying to make,² but actually prove the precise opposite.³ But then again, given the intellect of their average disciple they could get away with printing any old rubbish. Wait a minute, they already are.

Your constant churlish attacks on the medical profession prove nothing about the profession, but plenty about your personality. In fact, if you were any more anally retentive you'd have to defecate by caesarean.

Enjoy the weather in Coventry.

Kiwi

ps. Sorry to see that the brain transplant failed.

Footnotes
¹ added to prove to Whine that this must be true.
² ditto
³ so I can only conclude that you see the little footnote number and assume that that makes it absolutely true.

---

quote:

---

I remembered the thread you were referencing, and see that you caught the context beautifully. Snappy, with a lovely use of “” to indicate your scorn and derision, and managed an impressively wide range, insulting not just his opinions, intellect and personality, but also his personal tendencies.

---

quote:

---

Your post was way too scientific for me, dude. And that was a low blow to Stephen Hawking, man. Where’s your humanity?

---

quote:

---

You might be surprised to learn I liked it. It was pithy, well-composed, and intelligent. Had you not included the rather pathetic brain transplant remark, I’d have signed you up on the spot.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rossweisse:
Calling The Jerk to Hell

I keep trying to ignore you, Jerk, but you just won't be ignored, will you? Like my infant daughter, you keep defecating into the hand that's attempting to clean your foul, noisome, poop-covered bottom -- but unlike said infant, who at least has the potential to grow into a worthwhile human being, you will never be anything but a bad example to the rest of humanity, or what passes for it online.

Which was the post that finally forced me to acknowledge your general and all-encompassing loathesomeness? Was it those ghastly chemotherapy jokes posted on the All Saints cancer thread? Was it the link to an abattoir that you stuck on the "Why I Love Fluffy Bunnies" thread in Heaven? Was it your sniggering sophomoric sexual references ("Just step over them," "Oh, get a room!" and so forth) when two posters -- who happened to be male and female (one of each) -- got into a disagreement over the true nature and relevance of the Real Presence in the "Munching Jesus" thread in Purgatory? Was it your willingness to pile on with vile ad hominem attacks and to flame at random when Hapless Newbie found himself called to Hell?

[Rhetorical Question alert!]

It was all of these, and more. Sarcasm and mean-spiritedness can be amusing....in small doses. But by constantly dumping a Giant Economy-Size Industrial-Strength box of self-aggrandizing sarcasm and low-grade mean-spiritedness on us, you've gone far beyond amusement. The Internet is full of shooting galleries. By turning the Ship into your private target range, you have gone too far.

You are a deservedly friendless lump of greasy excrement, a boil upon the bottom of Humankind, Screwtape's favorite potential nummy, a stinking bottomless ashtray whose very presence sets off smoke alarms, and a complete and total waste of DNA.

And I have No Opinion of you.

---

quote:

---

I was a little unsure as you began; this competition already has a strong emphasis on poo, and defecation, and I felt we needed less, not more. However, you were clearly using it as a simile, and only touched briefly on it, before moving off into more impressive invective. And how impressive it was. I loved the use of rhetorical questions to list what the numpty had done, thereby setting the scene for the those of us not in your head. And your last paragraph, containing five wonderfully thought-and-drawn-out insults finished the job beautifully.

---

quote:

---

I like it, I like it, I like it. That was bad, dawg. You rock.

---

quote:

---

A Call to Hell is not a ‘cutting put-down’. Can no-one read instructions? Oh, and did you really use the word ‘poop’? Good God, woman.

To add insult to injury, you call your opponent a ‘friendless lump of greasy excrement, a boil upon the bottom of Humankind, Screwtape's favorite potential nummy, a stinking bottomless ashtray whose very presence sets off smoke alarms, and a complete and total waste of DNA.’, and then go on to say you have ‘no opinion of him’? What are these if not opinions? I can only hope you were being ‘humourous’.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
Normally I ignore you, Jerk. I figure that anyone who posts the drivel that you post is having us all on.

But you are not, are you? You are actually a really sad little twerp who believes what he writes is (a) true, (b) worthy and (c)witty.

In fact, what you write is (a)rubbish, (b) worthless rubbish and (c) turgid, dull rubbish. To the extent that it makes anyone laugh, rest assured that they laugh at you, not with you.

Tommorrow I will go back to ignoring you, but for now, take comfort in the fact that your post has raised my ire. I'm angry because what you write is not on paper and (sadly) I find that cannot wipe my backside with my computer screen.

---

quote:

---

It was a touch, unfocused, wasn’t it, poppet? I didn’t really feel a sense of anger, or even annoyance, coming from you over this. You seemed to be going through the motions a little. However, the repetition for emphasis of rubbish, and the ‘computer screen’ comment at the end redeemed it well enough.

---

quote:

---

Sssssmmmokin’! You are one hot mama. Don’t be cruel, baby.

---

quote:

---

What can I say? It was (a) dull, (b) really dull and (c) really, really dull.

On the plus side, it was mercifully short.

---

quote:

---

STOO:
... Oh, and did you really use the word ‘poop’?

---

quote:

---

To add insult to injury...then go on to say you have ‘no opinion of him’? What are these if not opinions? I can only hope you were being ‘humourous’.

---

Actually, it was homage to Jane Austen. Her characters very often declare themselves as having "no opinion" of persons they very much dislike.

Rossweisse // oh, well...
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
YOU'RE complaining? At least you GOT your review.
 

---

Posted by The Wanderer (# 182) on :
 
Indeed. My contribution may well have been the most boring piece of crap that anyone has ever read - but it would be pleasant if someone recognised that it existed.
 

---

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
Get a grip, you two. Ya'll are "wild card" entries, so you should be resting while you can. Only one can move on...
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mad Geo:
YOU'RE complaining? At least you GOT your review.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by dolphy:
OP from dolphy descends into hell

I can not believe you have forced me to do this, you low life, you butt boil, you pimple on the face of society. You reckon that you stand a chance? - think again you evil scheming sockmuppet. I am calling you here to be flame grilled, roasted and pulled to pieces, chewed up by the animals and then spat out again. You and your pathetic postings, you have not got a clue have you? You come in here, paint a great big target on your fat arse and then run away wimpering when you are shot. Scared now are you?, well you better be...be afraid, be very afraid. If I were you, I would run back home to Mummy, failing that, go play a game in the Circus, go post on the random thread if your intellect is up to it. Better start saying your prayers kid, you're gonna need them. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen coz it sure looks like dolphin is on the menu tonight.

(Yes, I have sent myself a pm).

---

quote:

---

A good, solid, put-down. Great generation of alternatives to ‘roast’, using several synonyms to emphasize your point. I was wavering over giving this a 2 or a 3, due to some issues over whether calling yourself to Hell is ever going to work. However, it does work on some occasions, and also, you were allowed to call any poster in this round, therefore I gave you a well-deserved 3. I’d suggest sorting out your grammar, punctuation, and paragraphing ready for the next round though, honey.

---

quote:

---

I give you props for the way you stepped out of yourself for this post, girlfriend. You almost made me believe that you could put down your own self. I would have scored you higher, though, if you had refused to be nice and PM yourself.

---

quote:

---

Have you heard of paragraphs? Your post was sadly lacking. Them, and content.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Quizmaster:
ALL SAINTS

"The Bad Ideas Meet"

All those who want to meet up, have a few beers and discuss how many more bad ideas Belisarius can come up with should gather on Saturday at the pub in London.

Please bring all your bad ideas with you!

---

quote:

---

You don’t really understand the competition, do you pet? I can’t see any evidence of a put-down in your post, so I’m afraid that I have to give you a lower mark to reflect this. If you survive until the next round, I heartily recommend pulling out.

---

quote:

---

That was a big snore, dude.

---

quote:

---

Good Lord… Another fool who can’t read. A big fat fail, I’m afraid.

Actually, I’m not afraid. It deserved nothing better.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:

quote:

---

Originally posted by babybear:
I suggest "sucky machine" or "This robot sucks (TRS)".

Gort, you are starting to sound like the love-bot of Marvin the Paranoid Anderoid and Kryton from Red Dwarf... You are going to end up in therapy.

---

Calling babybear to Hell

You wanton stumpet when it comes to posting! How dare you flaunt yourself all over the place, like you are so cute and cuddly, when deep down, we all know you want to let loose and stab somebody with those knitting needles and shears!

Acting like you are so kind...you are evil to the core in your coal black Welsh heart, thinking you are hot *BLEEP* on a silver platter when you are really cold *BLEEP* on a paper-plate!

Telling the Gort-one that he needs therapy...all he needs is a vacation from your helpful lectures of Jung. And no, I am not over-reacting, not a bit. I am dead serious. For reals.

Hmph! Momma wasn't born yesterday ...I know you hate me with a brutal apathetic fashion just because I am not Welsh* and further more, because I am a Calivinist. Well let me tell you, there are no thin places left for you! No thin places! God took them away...away from YOU!

So go and knit me a bear, see if I care.

Word to the mother.


*except for 1/16th but that doesn't count because it ain't good enough for the likes of you.

---

quote:

---

You seem to have gotten a touch of RuthW’s disease, pet, what with all the anger. You sure are angry with babybear. Reading your entry through, each sentence makes sense, yet I am unsure of a coherent whole, beyond that you are angry with babybear over some comment she made to Gort. A little more detail on how you are angry with her, or a few more colourful insults, would have worked a treat in this. A good work-up though, and I was particularly impressed with your gratuitously working-in of references to other threads.

---

quote:

---

That was scary, child! You made me afraid, that’s for reals. And I could actually understand every word of your post, which made it even scarier.

---

quote:

---

Another Calling to Hell?

It was unstructured, uncontrolled and unbelievably dire. Oh – and the ‘Bleeps’ really are pathetic.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:

quote:

---

Originally posted by RooK:
I'm sure you can recall one of your cohorts involved with the original idea. Now listen carefully: they were setting you up to look like an idiot. Again. Please allow this to notch that rusty clockwork you use for a brain ahead enough cogs so that can realize that you should be angry about this. Let me help you get even.

---

You know, Miss CeeCee, you really are a piece of work. Hosts and Admins were specifically prohibited from taking part in this competition. But you just couldn't stand it, could you? You have posted not once, but twice where you had no business posting at all.

What is it with you? You mock and ridicule Heaven and fluffy bunnies, but as soon as there's some attention to be garnered, you're up here like a shot screaming "Look at me! Look at me! Don't forget little WooKie! Me! Me! Me! I'm so clever. Please tell me I'm clever!"

Well, hon, get a grip. You're not. You're just a pathetic, bald, emotionally needy Canuckistani who couldn't even get a job in his own pathetic country and had emigrate (doubtlessly illegally) to a real nation to find employment.

I really suspect Bel can run these boards and this competitionn without your "help". So why don't you trot on back to Hell where you can ponce around to the admiring comments of your ass-licking little clique of so-called "denizens".

We don't need you up here. Really we don't.

And by the way...nobody really believes you about your mythical girlfriend or your mythical car. Most of us stopped making things up to appear cool when we were sixteen or so. While I realize that is your approximate emotional age, it doesn't become you. Anymore than those kinky drawings and jejune poetry on your website do.

God, you're weird. Weird and pathetic. What a freak.

---

quote:

---

Wonderfully done sweetie! You’ve taken a real live post, so that we can all see the context, and systematically set about destroying the poster. I like the name-changes, and your careful layering of insults built up to an impressive climax. The psychoanalysis was clever, but I would have preferred a few more of those effortless sarcastic put-downs that I know you can produce so well. However, a brilliant effort, even with that caveat.

---

quote:

---

Wow, that was cold, dawg. You made me feel bad for the man, really. I've never seen someone put the hurt on like that. Remind me to keep you on my Christmas list.

---

quote:

---

It was fine. Proof-reading and ‘Preview Post’ would have helped. I’ll put you through to the next round. Can’t see you getting much further, however. Them’s the breaks.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Wanderer:
Purgatory: Decimilisation is the root of all evil

It amazes me that this important topic has never come up before. Surely it is clear that ever sonce our glorious country abandoned the Imperial System we have been in free fall, without God's blessing upon us? Metrication is based on an arbitary whim - in the entire cosmos why shoud a precentage of the earth's diameter be important? Yards, feet and inches are grounded in the human frame, wshich God declared "very good" in Genesis, and "a little lower than the angels" in Psalms.

Pounds, shillings and pence are inhernetly more Christian than decimal currency because you can be more generous with them. If you have 10p you can divide them between, 10, 5 or 2 people. If youy have 12d (the glorious shilling) you can share them with 12, 6, 3, 4 or 2 people - it is a system with built in benevolence. What is more, if God had wanted us to use base 10, wouldn't he have called 10 tribes of Israel? Or 10 apostles? And did he? I think not!

Metrication is clealry the work of heathen nations, the sort of thing we are commanded to refrain from in Leviticus. When will we rise up as a nation, repent of our pagan practises, and return to the ways of our godly forefathers?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gort:
Heaven
(Hosted by: The Coot jr., Stoo jr., KenWritez jr.)

Great-Great Grandson of TDA is Born...
__________________________________________________________
Posted 29 November, 2018 23:35
__________________________________________________________

Since our last dating thread reached 25 pages and has been closed...again...I thought someone should make an attempt to bolster the fading hope of all my lonely geriatric friends out there who, after all these years, have yet to find that someone special. So, with faith in Christ that my desperate plea will be answered, I once again start this thread.

As many of you know, when duchess left me last year to enter the Convent of Saint Sappho of Lesvos, I have been without a companion. Please know that in spite of how things appear with regard to our breakup, I really am still a decent person and all those rumours of cult rituals and flagellation are completely false.

Anyway, I'm still available...anyone want to flirt or meet me in the Cafe?
__________________________________________________________
Posts: 102,326 - From: Babbling Creek Rest Home - Registered: May 2004 - IP: Unknown

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mad Geo:
Sisterhood.

Pah!

Another bunch of whiners in search of a clue. Because, God knows, if they were searching for a cause, they couldn't find it if it was nailed to their cushy well rounded netherparts with a jackhammer.

Let me enlighten you "sisters". The reason women can't get ahead is that they can't stop infighting amongst their catty backstabbing donut-stuffing selves. Small wonder we use you as receptionists.

Glass Ceiling? Hah! Waa Waa Waaaaaaa! Sniffle. You're breaking my heart. The glass ceiling can't be broken because there are 40 women hanging on to the leg of one woman trying to climb the ladder! Your nothing but easy targets for your betters. Your betters, of course, being Men.

You see, having a big swingin' hangy-down-thing really enables one to discern what's important, that being, letting you women think that whining and bellyachin' is going to get you into the corporate office with the golden toilets (the one's we never let you see). We figure (correctly) that as long as you are busy whining, we can actually get the real work down and show the Good Ole Boys that they were right all along, women should be in the bedroom and out of the boardroom.

Now if you find this offensive, we understand how PMS works. It's okay. We'll wait for you to get over it, we always have.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Grits:
I’m only giving you a high score because of your dangly. To make up for it.
Score: 3

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:

GRITS:

quote:

---

[Not available at this time; will be printed when it arrives. As Grits gave none of the other Contestants a 0, we will assume she will give Sine at least a 1.]

---

Score: 1 or Higher

---

quote:

---

Grits said:That was just gross, dude. Old people in love is creepy.
Score: 1

---

It may be old and gross and it may feel like shooting pool with a rope, but we elderly 'hangy downs' need love too.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
The Second Elimination Round Poll has closed and its results have been archived.

We regret to announce that Quizmaster lost this round.

Please welcome our new competitor, Mad Geo!

The Third Elimination Round is similar to the Second, but with a different emphasis--instead of Hell, this Round involves Heaven.

Contestants: each of you will post a response to someone like Bliss Ninny, who has started a thread praising something you despise. The post must be edgy enough to get your point across but good-natured/subtle enough to avoid accusations of personal attacks or jerkish behavior.

BTW: Grits's previous judgment of Sine can now be read above.

[grammar correction]

[ 06. December 2004, 16:08: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Quoted from Marshmallow Candyfloss on the Heaven thread 'My favourite praise-chorus':

quote:

---

Even if Chorister were to sing 'I just wanna praise you x3' it would still sound heavenly!

---

Well. Little Miss Fotherington-Tomas. Let me just say that your post was the nicest bit of niceness I have ever read. Of course my voice would enhance the sound of any choral item you may care to think of. (Flutters eyelashes modestly) But there is only one person in the world who is capable of making such a fluffetty song sound halfway acceptable to the human ear, and that is you, my dear sweet halo clouds, halo sky, feathery one . I will recommend you for the prized solo, as I shall unfortunately be unavoidably delayed that day, running in the opposite direction - trying to beat the 2-minute mile record, all in aid of my favourite musical charity, of course......
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
Thanks to all those who voted for me.

For Submission:

quote:

---

Originally posted by HappyCatNanny:
I LOVE mullets soooo much. My 8-year old son wears one, like his sweet daddy. He looks soooo cute! I think Ozzie Osbourne's show will soon bring back the mullet. Those 80s, that were the days.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by RooK:
Isn't it just adorable how Mad Geo sticks to his roots?

---

I'm confused - I thought Mad Geo was female?
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
No that would be Madge O, my alter ego (thank you Kenwritez for the gift that kept on giving ).

This ego is definitely male.

P.S. Please see my earlier contributed nomination to remove all doubt....

[ 07. December 2004, 01:59: Message edited by: Mad Geo ]
 

---

Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
[Now we see who has the best developed passive-aggressive skill Mad Geo, babe, I don't think you've got it. Also, I thought you were Madge O when you first arrived - however, this may make you feel better, your style of posting made me try and find another nick out of madgeo*]

[*wow I think that inadvertantly could be read in the style du jour]
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
From the "Doncha Just LUV Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" thread in Heaven:

quote:

---

Originally posted by PrincessTyneeMeet:
I just adore gay guys. One of my best friends is gay. My stylist, Dwade. He is sooo cute and always makes me laugh while he's touching up my roots. I feel kinda bad sometimes 'cause my pastor says gay guys are going to Hell and my boyfriend, Dirk, is mean to them sometimes 'cause he thinks what they do in bed is kinda gross. But I keep telling Dirk he needs to let Dwade give him a makeover likes those cute little guys on TV do.

---

Hi, Princess. Welcome to the ship! I see this is your fifth post. And you're already starting a thread. Good for you. I admire a newbie with confidence. I just know you'll be a real addition to the boards with your perkiness and enthusiasm.

I really luv gay guys too. Some of my best friends are gay, just like yours. My stylist, Danny, is just a stitch. We laugh and laugh when he cuts my hair. Sometimes I have to tell him to cut back on the mousse a bit, 'cause too much mousse looks a little, well, fagola to me. If you know what I mean. Which I'm sure you do.

Good luck with getting a makeover for Dirk. I bet he'll really like Dwade once he gets to know him. After a couple of blow dries they'll probably be great friends. Dirk will probably want a weekly appointment for a cut & blow. He'll be a changed man. A real metrosexual. I bet you'll hardly recognize him.

Anyway, look around the ship and explore the various boards. Come on down and post some on the Hell board. We have a lot of laughs down there. Hope to see you in Hell ( ) soon!
 

---

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
gawd, now i've gotta go change my pants dagnabit!
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
Damn Sine. That was goooood.
 

---

Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 
Originally posted by Bliss Nanny:

quote:

---

Hi!!! I've been "lurking" for quite a while and have worked up the "courage" to start a thread!!!! Gosh this is a nice place!! Except for Hell. I mean, "really"!!!
I thought I would start up a thread so that you can all give me some "good advice".

My name is Bliss Nanny (though not really, of course!!) and I am 21 and I have this really "hot" boyfriend, who has posted a couple of times (his ship name is "BlissBoy" ), on topics that are seemingly topical, but are really secret love messages to me ( ) and I miss him sooooo much between breakfast and lunch, when he is at school. We are engaged to be engaged. Gosh I love him.

My interests are my boyfriend, my boyfriend's hobbies (mainly me!!! ).

So, "Shipmates" and "apprentices" (gosh, what great names!!}, what advice do you have for me, as a newbie to "the Ship". Where should I "hang out"?
With love
Bliss Nanny.

---

quote:

---

Hi everyone. I'm an avid banner maker, and was so excited to find yet another Christian website where I could meet other banner makers.

Banners truly glorify God in a way that no other form of worship can come close to. Don't you agree that waving the banner as we sing makes our whole soul sing with us? I think every church should do it.

Personally I'm into big, bright banners. The last one I made was red with a gold trim, and had the words "Jesus really loves me" on it. It was so touching to wave it during our recent praise march through town. What have you done lately with your banners? Have you found the banner that fits all occassions?

Making the banner is as much fun as using it - except when my cat tries to go to sleep on the fabric!

God simply adores it when we wave our banners to Him!!!!

So "let it fly in the sky and let the whole world know!!"

Twee

---

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hi Something Twee,

Hmm, banners. Where to begin?

Personally I'm of the ultra-ultra-minimalist ilk when it comes to banners and flags. The smaller the better.

I definitely can't think of a banner that would benefit all occasions. Come to that I struggle to think of an occasion that would benefit from having any banners. With the possible exception of a banner burning evening.

Not that I'm doubting your talents in this field. Perhaps you are the exception that will prove the rule.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Something Twee:
God simply adores it when we wave our banners to Him!!!!

---

Then I guess even the Almighty finds it hard to be completely perfect.
 

---

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
My thanks to all who foolishly voted for me!
------------------------------------
From the Heaven thread: Women are not good enough to play the new Bond.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Tim Connery-Dalton:
It really is so obvious that Bond has to be played by a man. Not only do we have the intellegence, good looks and humour that you women lack, we also have the physical strength(where's that 'fit bloke' smilie when you need it, can the Hosts provide us with one please?)

Do you ever see a man cry over splitting a nail after jumping out of a plane at two thousand feet, free falling (no parachute) to the ground, landing perfectly without so much as a graze and then running off to save Miss Moneypenny from the evil, scary, bad guy?

Do we ever take an eternity to decide what clothes we are going to wear on a mission of the highest secrecy?: "No, I can't possibly go and protect the Queen wearing this red top, it doesn't suit my eyes"... "does my bum look too big in this ski suit, are the weapons of mass destruction secretly concealed inside it making my boobs look lopsided?".

Sheesh! IMO, the world would come to a halt if a woman ever even dared to suggest herself for the high powered job of playing Bond. As an aside, I personally think that the only change that needs to be made is a Knighthood. "My name is Bond, James Bond but you will call me Sir"

Have you no sense people? Men are the better and stronger sex both physically and mentally. We never feel the need to go to the bathroom in pairs for saftey. Actually, on reflection, in some cases (like famous singers) that might be true but that's another thread, and I would not like to post anything slanderous here. But, can you not get it through your female brains that there is no Bond better than a male Bond? Sheesh, you'll be saying you what a female blonde Bond next!

---

<Edited by Sir Tim-the-Man for effect, as if Bond would ever mess up his code >

Timmy dear, you either have an one heck of an overly-inflated ego (chosing my words carefully here ) or perhaps you have spent too much time dreaming of what you could have achieved IRL. Darling boy, as much as us women love and respect our male friends, lovers and heros, you just do not seem to comprehend that if it was not for us women the world would come to a halt. I shall not witter on about periods, child-birth, feminism and the difference between colds and flu since it is not appropriate here, this is Heaven after all.

Timbo, you seem to have failed to realise that if Jane Bond did happen to break a nail after free-falling from a great hight, or if she could not decide what clothes to wear whilst saving Mr Moneypenny from the big bad guys, or if our "boobs" did look lop-sided in our ski suit, there would be a crew person and/or make-up artist on set to make sure we always look as wonderful as we are.

As for the strength, well let's face it my friend, we may not all be painfully thin supermodels but we are the creators, the ones you come home to, the ones who are always there when you have had a hard day at work, the ones who cook for you, clean the house, make sure the shopping is done, make sure there is a meal on the table, make sure that you have enough beers in the fridge when the match is on. Women are strong in body and mind, we have to be to put up with your chaps!

Tim, I know you are a really nice, sweet chap (thanks for buying me a pint at the recent GB meet btw ) but you really need to come to your senses over this issue.

I stand by my previous post (see page two of your thread) and vote:

Dawn French for the part of Jane Bond.

 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
In fact, last time I heard 'Jesus we just really wanna praise you times three', it sounded as if it was being sung by cats.


(Note how I keep interrupting with vacuous comments. I wonder if 'anyone' will take the hint and notice how irritating it can be....)
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
Is there a no commenting rule we missed?
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mad Geo:
Is there a no commenting rule we missed?

---

Well the standard entry form to Idol shows bars contestants from talking to the media/making public statements without prior approval from Idol management. (In Australian Idol one of the entrants got the boot for doing an interview - he blubbed his eyes out when he was told.)

So I guess we'd be wise to hold back on such comments, except that I don't recall signing a contract to that effect.
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
Sheesh, who knew Heaven was so authoritarian?
 

---

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 
Hah! After the way I was treated, you should have no doubts.

Still can't believe Mad Geo got my spot ...
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 

 

---

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
(Note how I keep interrupting with vacuous comments. I wonder if 'anyone' will take the hint and notice how irritating it can be....)

---

Sorry, did someone just say something?
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
Dear fellow competitors,
I am so enjoying this! I feel truly humbled (no - really!) to have got through to the third round with such wonderful people - Sine, you rock Hon!

I don't think there was a 'no comment' rule, was there? (If so, I missed it - sorry Beli! ) I also missed the bit about having to write a complete post to quote and respond to - whoops, I guess this invalidates my entry, doesn't it? I misunderstood - I thought we were going to be judged on our replies rather than a witty 'quote' from a non-existent poster. Anyway I've sort of responded to all my fellow-competitors on here, instead. If that invalidates my entry, sheesh, I apologise. It's been great anyway! And I love all your entries! I think any of us would be a worthy winner. Well, possibly excepting me, of course.

One of the great things about the Ship is the tolerance shown to people who sometimes don't quite 'get' it (unless one is called to Hell, of course ) and so I hope you will all bear with me for simply sticking to what I'd understood to be the rules. I hope I haven't spoilt it for anyone. If so, feel free to PM me and I will fire off a grovelling apology - if there are enough complaints, I might even start a thread apologising!

Love 'n' stuff - and GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!!!!

Vikki xxx
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Vikki Pollard:

One of the great things about the Ship is the tolerance shown to people who sometimes don't quite 'get' it (unless one is called to Hell, of course ) and so I hope you will all bear with me for simply sticking to what I'd understood to be the rules. I hope I haven't spoilt it for anyone.

---

quote:

---

Almost originally posted by Vikki Pollard:
Feel free to PM me and I will fire off a grovelling apology

---

Sister, can you please clean out your in-box, it seems to be full
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
So how's your cat Vicky?
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
Both cats are fine, thanks, though one had cystitis the other week and the other has her third eyelid showing. We think she has learnt how to do this to get sympathy - and food!

But bless you for asking.
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
From the "101 Uses for a Dead Pipe Organ LOL" thread in Heaven:

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Guitar God
Hi everbody!!! Im Todd, THE GUITAR GOD and you can read about me here on web page Me and my girlfrend Myrtle just found Jesus and then we found this wonderfull Christin community and we re all excited to be hear LOL.

PTL!!!

So I have a cool idea for a fun thred. We went to a chruch were they had this big honkin PIPE ORGAN!!! Man I couldnt' beleive the sound it made or the music -- durges LOL. We'are lookin for a place where we can ROCK THE CHURCH and make the music with OUR BAND!!! but first lets think of some fun thing to do with a dead pipe organ.

First fun idea: MAKE A STILL with some of the pipes for tubing.

Second fun idea: TARGET PRACTISS, nuff said.

Thrid fun idea: ...

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
(Note how I keep interrupting with vacuous comments. I wonder if 'anyone' will take the hint and notice how irritating it can be....)

---

quote:

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by ken:

<snip!>
Anyway everyone knows that your ancestors weren't killed by the Indians because your ancestors were obviously colonialists and invaders and oppressors and did most of the killing themselves. In the unlikely event any of them got killed themselves they obvioulsly must have deserved it!

And of course you voted for Indian Gaming. After all those centuries of oppression who could be so cruel as to stop them playing a few games? Baseball, perhaps?

---

Ken, since you are almost as Protestant as I am, I begged my mom to look through her list of ancestors and find the NAMES of the ancestors killed by Indians. I also forgot to add Indians killing off people around them was commonplace which I included an example.

BTW, one of my ancestors, Sam Barr, great-or great-great, was a Swedish Borgian, my mom just yelled from the other room. I am AT my mother's house and she just looked this letter up for me in her pile of ancestor papers. I am going to save this post in my archieve for anyone else who wants to diss me and my ancestors - (forerunners which explains why I got to exist after most of this family was killed off ).

This is from a letter from Robert Sloan Alexander to Mitchell Patterson...Brookings, South Dakota March 12, 1910....to try make it succint...this man is 85 years old who wrote this letter. He is my grandmother Harriet (the one in Iowa who is now 97)'s great great uncle. Robert Sloan Alexander's grandfather was my great great great Grandfather. His name was William Alexander. William Alexander married Susan Knox who is my great-great-great-grandma on My grandmother Harriet's side. Robert Sloan Alexander is the 85 year old writing this letter to Mitchell Patterson.


Scott Alexander in 1902 told me that in the archieves of Pa. William Alexander, my granfather was a captain of a Co. for defense against the Indians, in the Revolutionary stuggle. He married Susan Knox who when a little girl had been taken prisoner in the previous French and Indian war. She was with the Indians in the wilds of Ohio 3 years and was finally exahnged at Fort Duquesne, Pittsburg. I remember her quite well. Oh! that I could have known to have her tales written.

(There I will put in what I heard from Aunt Angie (my father's eldest sister, Susan Angeline McCune Hill)) The family of Susan Knox, were her father, mother, older brother, and an older sister, and a baby. The day the Indians came her older sister was away from home. The Indians killed the father and son (or her brother) when they fought defending the family. The baby was swung against a tree, and the mother died from exhaustion. Susan [duchess's great-great-great grandma] was saved only because a squaw took a fancy to her and took care of her. When she was exchanged [at] Fort Duqesne, the older sister recoginized her by a piece of dress material and by her pet name. The older sister became the mother of James Knox Polk, on President of these United States.)

The older sister Jane Knox married Samuel Polk and produced James Knox Polk. Source here.

(BTW, James Knox Polk was a great-grandnephew of John Knox, the founder of Scottish Presbyterianism, which makes me [duchess] in a way even more Protestant (pls figure this out, especially if you are Scottish and don't like me). James Knox Polk was my great-great uncle. Source, this letter and also history from http://www.reidpres.com/ scroll down U.S. Presidents and others who were Presbyterians) James K. Polk married Susan Knox's older sister.


In the early Indian war times, my grandfrather, Andrew Reid <snip!>'s leaving was about the time when a whole school had been murdered by the Indians, near where they lived [Franklin Co.] No doubt you have read of it in history.

I have more stories if you wish, but that will do for now.

---

[ 10. December 2004, 23:36: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Belsarius, I have 3 minutes left on this prepaid internet thing...pls do use that post...it is nice to be reminded of it and a huge source of amusement to see it again..hehe.
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
I think we out to cry foul because actually having one of ken's <ahem> posts to respond to doesn't involve the level of creativity ours did.

On the other hand, I enjoyed watching Ken's assumptions being slaughtered by indians so do carry on.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Did one of his ancestors have a cat?
 

---

Posted by Siegfried (# 29) on :
 
Did the new poll come out?

Sieg
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
The judgements/poll should be up on around Friday.
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
Did one of his ancestors have a cat?

---

That was cute.
 

---

Posted by jlg (# 98) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by dolphy:
From the Heaven thread: Women are not good enough to play the new Bond.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Tim Connery-Dalton:
Do you ever see a man cry over splitting a nail after jumping out of a plane at two thousand feet,....

Do we ever take an eternity to decide what clothes we are going to wear on a mission of the highest secrecy?: "No, I can't possibly go and protect the Queen wearing this red top, it doesn't suit my eyes"...

---

---

quote:

---

Full Name: Cat
Rank: Most Handsome Guy Aboard This Ship

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
The judgements/poll should be up on around Friday.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:

Quoted from Marshmallow Candyfloss on the Heaven thread 'My
favourite praise-chorus':

quote:

---

Even if Chorister were to sing 'I just wanna praise you x3' it
would still sound heavenly!

---

Well. Little Miss
Fotherington-Tomas. Let me just say that your post was the nicest bit of
niceness I have ever read. Of course my voice would enhance the sound of
any choral item you may care to think of. (Flutters eyelashes
modestly) But there is only one person in the world who is capable of
making such a fluffetty song sound halfway acceptable to the human ear, and
that is you, my dear sweet halo clouds, halo sky, feathery one .
I will recommend you for the prized solo, as I shall unfortunately be
unavoidably delayed that day, running in the opposite direction - trying to
beat the 2-minute mile record, all in aid of my favourite musical charity,
of course......

---

quote:

---

I can see that you were trying really hard in this post. I feel, however, that you didn’t give quite as polished a response as I would have hoped, petal. Your snide remarks felt a little forced and clumsy, as if you weren’t entirely happy posting in this way. That’s a shame, because until now I would have said you were a strong all-round poster. However, it was a valiant effort despite this slight mis-hit

---

quote:

---

So you're a singer, eh? Could've fooled me. Ah, I'm just funning
with you, sister. I just hope you're a better singer than you are a
poster. I couldn't tell if you were telling her off or asking her out.

---

quote:

---

Hmmm. Not too bad a start. Ruined by the boast expressed in the
third sentence.

Am also deducting points for being far too obsequious. It just descended
into levels too treacley to think about.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mad Geo:

quote:

---

Originally posted by HappyCatNanny:
I LOVE mullets soooo much. My 8-year old son wears one, like his sweet
daddy. He looks soooo cute! I think Ozzie Osbourne's show will soon bring
back the mullet. Those 80s, that were the days.

---

HappyCatNanny,

The 80s are over, please accept it for all of us, if not for your son.

Just because The
Mullet exists doesn??™t mean one should. Yes,
Bell Bottom Pants
and
afros
made a comeback from the 1970s, but that doesn??™t mean that someday soon
people will be falling all over themselves to look like a bad re-mix of
Billy-the Mullet Man-Cyrus. If you think people are gonna want to look
that bad in the future, you are hiding under a serious cloud of
fashion Pollyanna.

Likewise, leg
warmers, red leather with
copious zippers on any straight man, and
"hairstyles" that involve
hairspraying six inches over your head in any straight or gay man (or woman
for that matter) is....just....so....over. The fact that you even know
what an ???LP??? is, says it all. Please, look into getting an
iPod already.

If you must continue to dream those happy (?) dreams of the 80s, you may
want to consider the Midwest or Texas. I hear big hair there is a way of
life.

P.S. Your cat probably doesn't like that 80s Hair Metal Band look either,
the hairspray will poison him when he licks his fur. Probably better get
him to the vet fast.

P.S.2 Your son is probably getting beat up in school over his hair. You
probably should let him cut it. You don't have to admit it, I know
he has asked you to already....

---

quote:

---

Straight shooting from the new guy! This entry told it how it is, yet stopped well short of personal attack or general jerkish behaviour. A clarion call of honest disagreement, which makes a refreshing change to the more usual ways in which Heaven’s denizens disagree with one another. Wonderful.

---

quote:

---

I happen to like Billy Ray Cyrus. And I think you referenced the
gay/straight thing one time too many, dude. I'm willing to bet you're
either sporting a mullet yourself or at the least, there's one in your not
too distant past. And you really should leave the children out.

---

quote:

---

I liked it.

That is, until I noticed how many links there were. You might like
little red words cluttering your page. I don't.

A preview post would have been useful also. I believe the second half of
your second sentence is missing.

Despite all that, it wasn't too bad.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by RooK:
Isn't it just adorable how Mad Geo sticks to his roots? We should all learn a lesson about convictions and always being true to ourselves from his post. He didn't resort to any sickening sweetness or unconvincing praise, even though the big mean Admin seemed to imply that he should, because that just wouldn't be him. Kudos to you Mad Geo, for being so brave.

---

quote:

---

A master-piece of snide insinuation, condescension and passive-aggressive smoothness! One of the most beautiful example of how to denigrate someone without resorting to personal attack or general jerkishness, that I have ever read. It’s such a shame you aren’t allowed to join the competition – you would certainly be in the finals, sweetie.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
From the "Doncha Just LUV Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" thread in
Heaven:

quote:

---

Originally posted by PrincessTyneeMeet:
I just adore gay guys. One of my best friends is gay. My stylist,
Dwade. He is sooo cute and always makes me laugh while he's touching
up my roots. I feel kinda bad sometimes 'cause my pastor says gay guys are
going to Hell and my boyfriend, Dirk, is mean to them sometimes 'cause he
thinks what they do in bed is kinda gross. But I keep telling Dirk he needs
to let Dwade give him a makeover likes those cute little guys on TV do.

---

Hi, Princess. Welcome to the ship! I see this is your fifth post.
And you're already starting a thread. Good for you. I admire a newbie with
confidence. I just know you'll be a real addition to the boards with your
perkiness and enthusiasm.

I really luv gay guys too. Some of my best friends are
gay, just like yours. My stylist, Danny, is just a stitch. We laugh
and laugh when he cuts my hair. Sometimes I have to tell him to cut back on
the mousse a bit, 'cause too much mousse looks a little, well, fagola to
me. If you know what I mean. Which I'm sure you do.

Good luck with getting a makeover for Dirk. I bet he'll really like Dwade
once he gets to know him. After a couple of blow dries they'll probably be
great friends. Dirk will probably want a weekly appointment for a cut &
blow. He'll be a changed man. A real metrosexual. I bet you'll hardly
recognize him.

Anyway, look around the ship and explore the various boards. Come on down
and post some on the Hell board. We have a lot of laughs down there. Hope
to see you in Hell ( ) soon!

---

quote:

---

On the surface a friendly and welcoming post, ostensibly supporting and laughing with a clueless newbie. However, by the end of the post it’s clear that you are really poking fun at the newbie, baiting them into being even more outrageously stupid, and generally showing up their cluelessness! I congratulate you, hon. You’ve always been my favourite to win, and this post is yet another example of your multitude of talents.

---

quote:

---

I guess you, like the rest of us, are assuming this little piece of
work is a few shades beyond blond (hair and brain), thanks, in part, to her
hairdresser/token gay friend. Every girl wants to be Grace now, you know,
and where there's a Will, there's a Dwade. Good one, dawg.

---

quote:

---

I knew you had what it takes to make SOF Idol. You just needed a
little shaping, and, I have to say, you are now taking shape.

It was perfectly passive-aggressive, and just subtle enough to not acquire
a rebuke from anyone who saw through the veneer and disagreed with your
sentiment.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
Originally posted by Bliss Nanny:

quote:

---

Hi!!! I've been "lurking" for quite a while and have worked
up the "courage" to start a thread!!!! Gosh this is a nice place!! Except
for Hell. I mean, "really"!!!
I thought I would start up a thread so that you can all give me some "good
advice".

My name is Bliss Nanny (though not really, of course!!) and I am 21 and I
have this really "hot" boyfriend, who has posted a couple of times (his
ship name is "BlissBoy" ), on topics that are seemingly
topical, but are really secret love messages to me ( ) and I miss him
sooooo much between breakfast and lunch, when he is at school.
We are engaged to be engaged. Gosh I love him.

My interests are my boyfriend, my boyfriend's hobbies (mainly me!!!
).

So, "Shipmates" and "apprentices" (gosh, what great names!!}, what advice
do you have for me, as a newbie to "the Ship". Where should I "hang out"?
With love
Bliss Nanny.

---

Hang out in at the Church of Fools.

Here's the link http://www.shipoffools.com/church/ Go now.

---

quote:

---

A short, sharp and to-the-point rebuff. And all without making any personal attack! Just very clearly saying “Go away you fool”. I am very impressed :-)

---

quote:

---

What can I say? That wasn't a cut; that was a fine fillet. Good
response, girlfriend.

---

quote:

---

Nice.

Succinct and to the point.

Well, grasshopper, we are learning, aren't we?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
ORIGINAL POST by "Something Twee":
THREAD: Let's Share Our Banner Making Ideas

quote:

---

Hi everyone. I'm an avid banner maker, and was so excited to find
yet another Christian website where I could meet other banner makers.

Banners truly glorify God in a way that no other form of worship can come
close to. Don't you agree that waving the banner as we sing makes our whole
soul sing with us? I think every church should do it.

Personally I'm into big, bright banners. The last one I made was red with a
gold trim, and had the words "Jesus really loves me" on it. It was so
touching to wave it during our recent praise march through town.
What have you done lately with your banners? Have you found the banner that
fits all occassions?

Making the banner is as much fun as using it - except when my cat tries to
go to sleep on the fabric!

God simply adores it when we wave our banners to Him!!!!

So "let it fly in the sky and let the whole world know!!"

Twee

---

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hi Something Twee,

Hmm, banners. Where to begin?

Personally I'm of the ultra-ultra-minimalist ilk when it comes to banners
and flags. The smaller the better.

I definitely can't think of a banner that would benefit all occasions. Come
to that I struggle to think of an occasion that would benefit from having
any banners. With the possible exception of a banner burning evening.

Not that I'm doubting your talents in this field. Perhaps you are
the exception that will prove the rule.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Something Twee:
God simply adores it when we wave our banners to
Him!!!!

---

Then I guess even the Almighty finds it hard to be
completely perfect.

---

quote:

---

You answered the questions and comments in an overtly friendly and helpful way, yet managed to inject undertones of distaste, mockery and scorn. A beautiful example post of how to disagree and put-down, Heaven-style.

---

quote:

---

Banners are of Satan. I give you props for maintaining your
restraint on this one. Anyone from the Southern U.S. can tell what trouble
flags can get you into.

---

quote:

---

Well, this would be a good heavenly smackdown if you removed the
"exception that proves the rule" sentence.

These people need no encouragement, and I'm deducting marks for that, quite
blatant, schoolboy error.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by dolphy:
------------------------------------
From the Heaven thread: Women are not good enough to play the new
Bond.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Tim Connery-Dalton:
It really is so obvious that Bond has to be played by a man. Not
only do we have the intellegence, good looks and humour that you women
lack, we also have the physical strength(where's that 'fit bloke' smilie
when you need it, can the Hosts provide us with one please?)

Do you ever see a man cry over splitting a nail after jumping out of a
plane at two thousand feet, free falling (no parachute) to the ground,
landing perfectly without so much as a graze and then running off to save
Miss Moneypenny from the evil, scary, bad guy?

Do we ever take an eternity to decide what clothes we are going to wear on
a mission of the highest secrecy?: "No, I can't possibly go and protect the
Queen wearing this red top, it doesn't suit my eyes"... "does my bum look
too big in this ski suit, are the weapons of mass destruction secretly
concealed inside it making my boobs look lopsided?".

Sheesh! IMO, the world would come to a halt if a woman ever even dared to
suggest herself for the high powered job of playing Bond. As an aside, I
personally think that the only change that needs to be made is a
Knighthood. "My name is Bond, James Bond but you will call me Sir"


Have you no sense people? Men are the better and stronger sex both
physically and mentally. We never feel the need to go to the bathroom in
pairs for saftey. Actually, on reflection, in some cases (like famous
singers) that might be true but that's another thread, and I would not like
to post anything slanderous here. But, can you not get it through your
female brains that there is no Bond better than a male Bond? Sheesh, you'll
be saying you what a female blonde Bond next!

---

<Edited by Sir Tim-the-Man for effect, as if Bond would ever
mess up his code >

Timmy dear, you either have an one heck of an overly-inflated ego
(chosing my words carefully here ) or perhaps you have spent too much
time dreaming of what you could have achieved IRL. Darling boy, as much as
us women love and respect our male friends, lovers and heros, you just do
not seem to comprehend that if it was not for us women the world would come
to a halt. I shall not witter on about periods, child-birth, feminism and
the difference between colds and flu since it is not appropriate here, this
is Heaven after all.

Timbo, you seem to have failed to realise that if Jane Bond did
happen to break a nail after free-falling from a great hight, or if she
could not decide what clothes to wear whilst saving Mr Moneypenny from the
big bad guys, or if our "boobs" did look lop-sided in our ski suit, there
would be a crew person and/or make-up artist on set to make sure we always
look as wonderful as we are.

As for the strength, well let's face it my friend, we may not all be
painfully thin supermodels but we are the creators, the ones you come home
to, the ones who are always there when you have had a hard day at work, the
ones who cook for you, clean the house, make sure the shopping is done,
make sure there is a meal on the table, make sure that you have enough
beers in the fridge when the match is on. Women are strong in body
and mind, we have to be to put up with your chaps!

Tim, I know you are a really nice, sweet chap (thanks for buying me a pint
at the recent GB meet btw ) but you really need to come to your
senses over this issue.

I stand by my previous post (see page two of your thread) and vote:

Dawn French for the part of Jane Bond.

---

quote:

---

You’ve tried really hard here dear, and done really well. However, your post did come across as a little petulant. Still, you took each point of the man’s argument, and answered it wonderfully; generally showing how wrong he was. Well done!

---

quote:

---

She's channeling the spirit of RuthW on this one, people. Bring
home the bacon and fry it up in the pan, girl. And that Dawn French -- now
that's a real woman.

---

quote:

---

Well, it wasn't bad, but then again I can't say there was
much in it that stood out.

The topic is as old as the proverbial hills, and although old jokes may be
best, old smackdowns are not.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Vikki Pollard:
Dear fellow competitors,
I am so enjoying this! I feel truly humbled (no - really!) to
have got through to the third round with such wonderful people - Sine, you
rock Hon!

I don't think there was a 'no comment' rule, was there? (If so, I missed it
- sorry Beli! ) I also missed the bit about having to write a
complete post to quote and respond to - whoops, I guess this invalidates my
entry, doesn't it? I misunderstood - I thought we were going to be judged
on our replies rather than a witty 'quote' from a non-existent
poster. Anyway I've sort of responded to all my fellow-competitors on here,
instead. If that invalidates my entry, sheesh, I apologise. It's been great
anyway! And I love all your entries! I think any of us would be a worthy
winner. Well, possibly excepting me, of course.

One of the great things about the Ship is the tolerance shown to people who
sometimes don't quite 'get' it (unless one is called to Hell, of course
) and so I hope you will all bear with me for simply sticking to
what I'd understood to be the rules. I hope I haven't spoilt it for anyone.
If so, feel free to PM me and I will fire off a grovelling apology - if
there are enough complaints, I might even start a thread apologising!

Love 'n' stuff - and GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!!!!

Vikki xxx

---

quote:

---

A very under-stated, heavily veiled disagreement with others, in this post. Very very clever dear, but no one likes a smart arse, do they?

---

quote:

---

What can I say? Your post rocked. It may me feel all sickly, sweet
inside, knowing you were dissing folks while putting the LUV on them.
Props on your creative use of smilies, too, lady.

---

quote:

---

You don't seem to have quite got the hang of this, do you?

Did you see in the rules where your reply should be to someone "starting a
thread praising something you despise"?

Obviously not.

To my mind, that most certainly does "invalidate your entry." Can't say I
apologise though.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rossweisse:
From the "101 Uses for a Dead Pipe Organ LOL" thread in Heaven:

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Guitar God
Hi everbody!!! Im Todd, THE GUITAR GOD and you can read about me here
on web page Me
and my girlfrend Myrtle just found Jesus and then we found this wonderfull
Christin community and we re all excited to be hear LOL.

PTL!!!

So I have a cool idea for a fun thred. We went to a chruch were they had
this big honkin PIPE ORGAN!!! Man I couldnt' beleive the sound it made or
the music -- durges LOL. We'are lookin for a place where we can ROCK
THE CHURCH and make the music with OUR BAND!!! but first lets think of some
fun thing to do with a dead pipe organ.

First fun idea: MAKE A STILL with some of the pipes for tubing.

Second fun idea: TARGET PRACTISS, nuff said.

Thrid fun idea: ...

---

"Nuff said," indeed.

Welcome to the Ship, Todd. That's quite a resume you have there, and I hope
you find a faith community that fully appreciates all that you have to
offer.

Of course, you should realize that some of us are very fond of pipe organs
and their music -- even the "durges." (LOL!)

But I'm willing to join in the fun. Here's my thought: A couple of years
ago, a church near here suffered an electrical fire. Soot got everywhere --
including inside the organ pipes. When they took them down, they discovered
that many of them had dead birds inside them; the birds had attempted to
nest in the pipes and lived (briefly) to regret it. The pipes still worked,
despite the feathery corpses within.

I think it would be fun to see if a 32-footer would hold a 6-foot,
112-pound guitar player and still sound. Are you up for the challenge?
(LOL!)

Rossweisse // always willing to try something new

---

quote:

---

A lovely turn around of the OPer’s silly suggestions. What a smashing way to show someone how completely you disagree with them

---

quote:

---

You church musicians are a rough bunch. I'm sure Todd got the
message loud and clear. I'm glad he's found God, aren't you?

---

quote:

---

I have to say that wasn't too bad. I liked the vague threat to the
guitarist too.

It would have been snappier, however, without that section about hoping
he'd find a faith community that appreciates what he has to offer. Be
honest, love. You don't hope that at all. You hope he grows up, cuts his
hair, gets a job and closes down his website.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:

quote:

---

Originally posted by ken:

<snip!>
Anyway everyone knows that your ancestors weren't killed by the Indians
because your ancestors were obviously colonialists and invaders and
oppressors and did most of the killing themselves. In the unlikely event
any of them got killed themselves they obvioulsly must have deserved it!

And of course you voted for Indian Gaming. After all those centuries of
oppression who could be so cruel as to stop them playing a few games?
Baseball, perhaps?

---

Ken, since you are almost as Protestant as I
am, I begged my mom to look through her list of ancestors and find the
NAMES of the ancestors killed by Indians. I also forgot to add Indians
killing off people around them was commonplace which I included an example.

BTW, one of my ancestors, Sam Barr, great-or great-great, was a Swedish
Borgian, my mom just yelled from the other room. I am AT my mother's house
and she just looked this letter up for me in her pile of ancestor papers. I
am going to save this post in my archieve for anyone else who wants to diss
me and my ancestors -
(forerunners which
explains why I got to exist after most of this family was killed off
).

This is from a letter from Robert Sloan Alexander to Mitchell
Patterson...Brookings, South Dakota March 12, 1910....to try make it
succint...this man is 85 years old who wrote this letter. He is my
grandmother Harriet (the one in Iowa who is now 97)'s great great uncle.
Robert Sloan Alexander's grandfather was my great great great Grandfather.
His name was William Alexander. William Alexander married Susan Knox who is
my great-great-great-grandma on My grandmother Harriet's side. Robert Sloan
Alexander is the 85 year old writing this letter to Mitchell Patterson.


Scott Alexander in 1902 told me that in the archieves of Pa. William
Alexander, my granfather was a captain of a Co. for defense against the
Indians, in the Revolutionary stuggle. He married Susan Knox who when a
little girl had been taken prisoner in the previous French and Indian war.
She was with the Indians in the wilds of Ohio 3 years and was finally
exahnged at Fort Duquesne, Pittsburg. I remember her quite well. Oh! that
I could have known to have her tales written.

(There I will put in what I heard from Aunt Angie (my father's eldest
sister, Susan Angeline McCune Hill)) The family of Susan Knox, were her
father, mother, older brother, and an older sister, and a baby. The day
the Indians came her older sister was away from home. The Indians killed
the father and son (or her brother) when they fought defending the family.
The baby was swung against a tree, and the mother died from exhaustion.
Susan [duchess's great-great-great grandma] was saved only because a squaw
took a fancy to her and took care of her. When she was exchanged [at] Fort
Duqesne, the older sister recoginized her by a piece of dress material and
by her pet name. The older sister became the mother of James Knox Polk, on
President of these United States.)

The older sister Jane Knox married Samuel Polk and produced James Knox
Polk. Source here.

(BTW, James Knox Polk was a great-grandnephew of John Knox, the founder of
Scottish Presbyterianism, which makes me [duchess] in a way even more
Protestant (pls figure this out, especially if you are Scottish and don't
like me). James Knox Polk was my great-great uncle. Source, this letter
and also history from http://www.reidpres.com/ scroll down U.S.
Presidents and others who were Presbyterians) James K. Polk married Susan
Knox's older sister.


In the early Indian war times, my grandfrather, Andrew Reid
<snip!>'s leaving was about the time when a whole school had been
murdered by the Indians, near where they lived [Franklin Co.] No doubt you
have read of it in history.

I have more stories if you wish, but that will do for now.

---

quote:

---

Wonderful use of a passive-aggressive style with which to cloak your disagreement. I especially liked the hammering with a multitude of details. You’ve done brilliantly poppet.

---

quote:

---

You know, sweetie, there are sometimes it's OK to phone it in, but
the Ship of Fools Idol contest ain't one of 'em. I appreciate the history
lesson and all, but your post was just that -- history.

---

quote:

---

I've read it three times, and had to prop my eyes open with
matchsticks.

I'm sure it's very worthy.

I just couldn't be arsed to read it again to check. Unfortunately, that
doesn't bode very well for your points score.

Oh, about the other stories - we don't wish.

---

Points: 1

Total Score: 5
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
GRITS, you dissed me, girlfriend. I know where you live. No more Arnott cookies for you!
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
The Polls' results have been archived.

We regret to announce that Dolphy lost this round.

ROUND 4

Each Contestant will pretend to be posting on the Purgatory thread "Was the Late Roman Empire Really Christian?" Each post will have two parts:

• The first part will be a remotely-related tangent involving something for which the Contestant has RL expertise.
• The second part will be a convoluted allusion to a Dead Horse. This part should end with the following--"But [the Dead Horse] is a Dead Horse, so I'll drop the subject."

Immunity is no longer being granted. In the following two rounds, however, each Contestant will have a chance to win 2 extra votes. In Round 4, a Contestant must get a score of 6 or higher to qualify; in Round 5, a Contestant's score must be 7 or higher.
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
So who's moving forward from the vote? I am so confused.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
The Sudden Death Poll concerned two tied Contestants; the other three were safe to move forward.

The remaining Contestants:

Chorister
Duchess
Kiwigoldfish
Left at the Altar
Mad Geo
Rossweisse
Sine Nomine
Vikki Pollard
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Purgatory thread "Was the Late Roman Empire Really Christian

You reckon going to Duran Duran concerts is not Christian?

KISS MY SWEETBREAD!

Look, I have gone to various Duran Duran concerts over the years, Missy. The very first one I missed since I forged a note from my mother and my school dean caught me. I was cleaning lockers when a math teacher walked by with his lady friend. To impress her, he made fun of me. "HA HA, you have to clean the lockers!" His lady friend told him to knock it off...felt sorry for me...so there he did not impress her. HA HA.

Later on, I made up for this horrible experience of missing the Simon LeBon dance moves....the Reflex...the Reflex...I started attending every cotton-picking Duran Duran concert that came to the Bay Area. As in Roman Times, momma likes her entertainment. Here they are in SF Xmas Eve
this year. They perform in the Bay Area in March btw. Gotta get me another tee-shirt...yet I disgress...

Anyway, In fact the Romans had their Duran Duran people. One though was John the Baptist. His head was chopped off Matthew 14:10. I am sure girlfriend was Roman Beetch.

This brings me to my point...Was the Late Roman Empire Really Christian? Nope...cuz they chopped good Christian guys' heads off...like poor ol' John. Good thing John Taylor doesn't preach the gospel at dinner tables like John the Baptist. I would be upset to see his metrosexual head sliced off. Hopefully he won't go to Iraq either and get butchered.

Yes, I am sick...but my point is the Romans killed Christians. Like me! I would have been used for lion food...shudder.

True Christians are ones that take the bible literally but bible inerrancy is a Dead Horse, so I'll drop the subject..so I WON'T GO THERE.

[eta: I itch to open this dead horse since I am always RIGHT]

[ 26. December 2004, 16:10: Message edited by: duchess ]
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
I have to take issue with your last post about Christianity being firmly established in the Byzantine Empire, Father Gregory. I took an introductory course in college on Byzantine history and culture and did a fair amount of research on the subject, so although certainly not an expert I do know a little bit about it.

One of the more interesting characters in this context is Michael Psellus the younger, on whom I wrote a term paper. I think he is typical of the late Roman/Byzantine mind. You have to realize that by his time (the 11th century) the Western Empire and Rome were lost. Only the Eastern Empire and Constantinople remained, and it was under enormous pressure. Although it was officially still the "Roman" empire, its thought and its culture were essentially Greek. I mention Psellus in particular since although he was actually a monk, his devotion to Neo-Platonism made his orthodoxy suspect to the church fathers. As I found during my research, he was largely responsible for a resurgence of Neo-Platonism. Indeed his advocacy of Platonic philosophy as ideally integrable with Christian doctrine initiated a renewal of Byzantine classical learning that later influenced the Italian Renaissance.

Essentially Neo-Platonism can be defined as:

· 1. Hierarchy of spheres of being, ending with ordinary reality (being in space-time).
· 2. The series is a causal chain.
· 3. Series begins with a principle which is the source of all being.
· 4. The supreme principle, the One, is beyond being, is unique, and utterly simple.
· 5. Each successive sphere is more complex, and more deterministic.
· 6. The knowledge of the One is above predicative knowledge.


I think one can easily see how a devotion to Neo-Platonism is difficult to reconcile with true orthodoxy. So was Psellus "really Christian"? Perhaps not in the strictest sense. But I admire him as something of a rebel against the strict and unyielding hierarchy of the Orthodox Church of his time. Although since he pre-dated the Council of Florence, "Orthodoxy" as such didn’t yet exist. Unfortunately the seeds were already being planted for the somewhat closed-minded and exclusive attitude we see today in the Orthodox denomination, as exemplified in their almost hysterical claims to be the "one, true church" and their closed table fellowship, determined to put themselves "inside" and nearly everybody else "outside". But that’s certainly a dead horse, and I’m not going to go there.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
The Christian influence of the Emperor Constantine has lived on in the story of his namesake in Cornwall (a part of the world with which I am very familiar): St. Petroc gave shelter to a fawn which was being pursued by Prince Constantine and cast a spell on him so he could not move. The spell was only broken when the Prince agreed to become a Christian. The prince was sent to Constantine Bay and became a hermit - the ruins of the little church of St. Constantine and the holy well can still be visited at Constantine Bay - I'd recommend it as a holiday destination.

Of course, forcing someone to become a Christian by means of a spell involves witchcraft and sorcery, which, as the bible expressly states in Revelation 21:8 will condemn the perpetrators to death in the lake that burns with sulphurous flames. Poor St. Petroc and (by consequent invalidation of his conversion) poor St. Constantine! That is assuming, of course, that you believe every word in the bible is to be taken literally – but Biblical Inerrancy is a Dead Horse, so I'll drop the subject.
 

---

Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 
Saying that Rome under Constantine was Christian is kind of like saying the Australian Labor Party is "The New Right". 5 - 10% of it might be, but the rest hangs on to the old commie ways.

You know, the 1950s for the Labor Party was pretty drastic. Ended with the Catholics packing their bags and forming their own party and Labor spending years in the wilderness.

And then along comes a man with vision. Gough Whitlam. He's the Constantine of the Labor Party. He's seen the light and he wants it to be spread far and wide. It's Time.

He wants to change the order in the Labor Party and society and make principles of equality and fairness standard for all. He's got his men to bring the good word and make that change. Lionel Murphy, Jim Cairns and their ilk. These are the True Believers and they've seen the light and there's changes in the law and society, all overseen by Gough.

But it doesn't happen straight away. After the initial surge to adopt the great leader's "religion", it all goes pear-shaped.

The internal bickering within the party leads to schisms and factions that are truly comparable with the early church. You end up with this group calling itself "Labor" but so much at war with each other that its hard to tell that they all share a common vision. The rift that developed in 325 reminds me of a Labor Caucus meeting. All bickering away and threatening to take their bats and balls and go home.

Basically, they are all Lefties, trying to reinvent themselves to win popularity.

Most recently, there's this gay marriage debate.
But even in the Labor Party, the issue of Gay Marriage is a dead Horse, and I'm definitely not going there.
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
That's an interesting thought, GutAche. Welcome to the Ship!

However I think if you're going to compare evangelising Ancient Rome to bringing the message of Christ to 21st century Britain, you are on potentially dodgy ground.

For a start, I disagree with your theory that people were encouraged to vomit as a sign of their spiritual insight in the midst of an evening's carousing. In fact, I'm not too sure people were encouraged to vomit at all... Popular Fallacy )

I also think it is stretching too many points to look to the Romans for signs of spiritual awakening in a Christian context (though others may disagree). It is generally held that the Empire went through a period of extreme societal degeneration before coming to its end. I think that far from being a pointer to the power of the Gospel to change our lives, it is perhaps more an indication of the danger we are currently in of total cultural breakdown.

It is easy to look back and jeer at Emperors holding elaborate funerals for dead horses, the stereotype of people binge-eating and vomiting all evening and gratuitous sex on every street corner. I wonder if there isn't an element of projection here, of us desperately seeking our image in the past, to reassure us that we are not alone in our pursuit of hedonism?

I can't think of any period in history where the world was so divided into rich and poor, fat and thin. We wring our hands helplessly as we see our children exerting less and less physical energy, and becoming fatter and fatter. People smile indulgently as 'celebrities' fat enough to be slaughtered and feed a small African village try desperately to lose five pounds for the cameras in some awful reality TV show. We allow multi-national companies to poison us, stuffing us with additives ("NOW WITH SALAD!!") which in all probability are pre-disposing children to hyperactivity, as well as making them all clones of that disgusting child in the Double-Deckers... Aaaaaaaaaargh!!

So I think to say that present-day Britain echoes the Late Roman Empire is to over-simplify the truth about what the LRE was like, and to under-estimate the scale of our dependency on America. As far as I know, there were no fast food chains from the Unknown West in late Rome.

But 'soon we'll all be as fat as Americans' is a Dead Horse, so I'll drop the subject.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
*bump*

Still awaiting entries from kiwigoldfish, Mad Geo, and Rossweisse.
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
Sorry, Belisarius -- I have family in for a visit, and my time is not my own. I'll try to get mine done as soon as possible.
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
"Was the Late Roman Empire Really Christian?"

In his brilliant, ground-breaking book The Rise of Christianity: How the Obscure, Marginal Jesus Movement Became the Dominant Religious Force in the Western World in a Few Centuries, sociologist Rodney Stark makes a strong case that it was -- or was getting there, in numeric terms.

Stark demonstrates that Christianity grew at a rate of 40 percent per decade: from about 1,000 Christians in the year 40, to nearly 34 million in the year 350 -- or from 0.0017% of the population to 56.5%. While this rate of growth seems incredible, he points out that Mormonism has been doing the same thing in recent decades, growing exponentially by tapping networks of relatives and friends.

Of course, we don't know the extent to which the late Roman Empire really became culturally Christian. Although most of the early converts appear (according to Stark) to have come from the ranks of the Hellenized Jews of the Diaspora, once Christianity became official, it changed significantly in some ways. That's what brought about the monastic movement, and the waves of hermits moving into the desert. They wanted to escape the grandious New! Approved! Christianity.

Post-Constantine Christianity also seems to have downgraded the role of women in the Church, which was clearly much more prominent early on, to judge by both the Bible (paging Phoebe and Junia!) and secular sources.

But the ordination of women is a Dead Horse, so I'll drop it.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
That was quick.
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
I finally just locked the door for five minutes and DID it.

And someone's knocking now, right on cue...


 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
Honorable Chihuahua,

Whether the late Roman Empire really was Christian is certainly up for debate. However, your allusion to America being “equivalent to the Roman Empire” is, at minimum, a logical fallacy.

I am a believer that history repeats itself too, but to assume that because we have some “hedonism”, some “wars that appear to be empire-building”, and a president with an “overdeveloped hard-on ( ) for Christianizing America”, that doesn’t necessarily follow that we are going to “collapse like the Roman Empire”. Slippery slope arguments are fine, if you’re Rush Limbaugh or Michael Moore (pick a butthead), but you’re not. So please show me how A plus B plus C equals “collapses like the Roman Empire”.

I don’t like what the president has done much more than you apparently do, but America (and Europe for that matter) has been through a lot of this before. And we probably will not descend into city-states any time soon.

As for your references to America and Iraq War II causing Mexico to invade America, well that’s just preposterous and I would love to dismantle that argument.

But “Let’s Invade America” is a Dead Horse, so I'll drop the subject
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
[apologies to Bel, the judges and the fans for the lateness of this entry. I've been away for Christmas.]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Christmas Pumpkin:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Yuletide Log:
Perhaps we could get Dr Who to go back and see how christian the Roman Empire was.

---

He already went there. It wasn't exactly Christian, just full of bad actors in poor costumes.

---

I'm afraid not, old bean. Certainly he went to Rome in 64 AD, but that's scarcely the time frame that we're talking about on this thread.

Of course, you may be talking about one of the novels written after the series was cancelled (the New Adventures series.) But they are not canonical and should not be accepted as literal truth. That status is reserved for the TV series (and perhaps the official BBC series of books.) However, the question of accepting the canon as literally true is a dead horse, and I'm not going to go there.
 

---

Posted by Duo Seraphim (# 3251) on :
 
So far, the similarity of the entries to the real Purgatory is well, frightening really. All we need are ... no, better not. I might be accused of coaching the contestants and we can't have that.
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
How strict was the rule about the exact wording of the last line?
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
The Judges have been notified that all of this round's entries are now submitted.
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
This thread had disappeared, from the point of view of those of us who keep only a five-day supply of posts visible.

Rossweisse // bumping it (but not grinding it)
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rossweisse:


Rossweisse // bumping it (but not grinding it)

---

 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sorry for the delay; I hope to get all the judgments soon.
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
It was worth the delay just for this:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rossweisse:
Rossweisse // bumping it (but not grinding it)

---

 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mad Geo:
It was worth the delay just for this:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rossweisse:
Rossweisse // bumping it (but not grinding it)

---

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
Sorry for the delay; I hope to get all the judgments soon.

---

I understand Grits is the hold up. I haven't been able to scrape up all the cash she's demanded.

Sarky was easier with just a wire transfer.
 

---

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
Actually, it's that rat, Stoo. Now that he has all the excess baggage (aka Jenny Ann) at his place, his payola limit has gone sky-high.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Sheesh, now even the judges are fighting amongst themselves! Is there no hope for a fair contest?
Still, I suppose there has to be some use for all those leftover, stale mince pies.....

SARKYCOW: one direct hit, two splats and one miss.
SCORE - 3

STOO: three direct hits, one splat and three misses.
SCORE - 4

GRITS: two direct hits, three splats and two misses.
SCORE - 5

Belisarius would have been along shortly to declare Grits the winner, but unfortunately he got caught in the eye with a hot mince pie and will be out of action for the forseeable future
 

---

Posted by Jenny Ann (# 3131) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Grits:
Actually, it's that rat, Stoo. Now that he has all the excess baggage (aka Jenny Ann) at his place, his payola limit has gone sky-high.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jenny Ann:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Grits:
Actually, it's that rat, Stoo. Now that he has all the excess baggage (aka Jenny Ann) at his place, his payola limit has gone sky-high.

---

oi! less of the 'excess' please.

J

---

No, Grits has it right - I've seen how much luggage you pack for a weekend away! Excess baggage and then some....

Still, it was nice of you to allow Stoo to pack two t-shirts, two pairs of socks, and two pairs of underpants in your bag. Otherwise the poor boy would have been wearing the same clothes all weekend!


 

---

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
We regret to announce that Dolphy lost this round.

---

Great.
The computer dies.
The hard drive is eaten and destroyed.
Two weeks later she has a new computer up and running.
Logs onto the Ship to find the icing on the cake, or should that be the icing on the computer virus?... I lost the round

Ah well, better luck next time.

Good luck to all who remain, I certainly know where my votes lie!
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
I voted for you, Sweetie!
 

---

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Bless you honey.

Ah well, at least I tried .
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I voted for you too. Hmmmmm, I smell a conspiracy......
 

---

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 
When wymmin stick together, it's not a conspiracy - it's cooperation.
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
I thought if Wymmin really wanted to stick together they would move to the Isle of Lesbos......

P.S. This joke was approved by my feminist girlfriend. Sue me. Oh yes and Bump from Page 2.
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
Although not a wymmmmeon*, I too wish to express my utter astonishment and disbelief that Vikki survived the last elimination poll.

*or however it's being spelt today
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
Ha!

You're just jealous of my breasts. (I'm not posting a link, you can all just READ THE BOARDS. )

P.S. I suspect she isn't actually!!
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Actually, I suspect the real reason the judges are taking so long is that this time Belisarius posted such an erudite challenge that they need time to brush up on their Ancient History and Theology before they can judge just how deep and relevant (or not) we were all being. How long does it take to do a PhD in the Christianisation of the Late Roman Empire these days?
 

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Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
THIS judge submitted her evaluations on January 4, to be precise. Methinks the holdup lies across the pond.

(But you're right -- the posting was a little more involved this time. I finally just gave up trying to figure out what everyone was saying, and just started throwing out random scores, based on how much I actually like you.)
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Chorister gets in her time machine and travels back in time to just before Christmas. Tiptoeing up to Grits's stocking, she stuffs it full of yummy Creamtealand goodies. There, that should do it!
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Grits:
I finally just gave up trying to figure out what everyone was saying, and just started throwing out random scores, based on how much I actually like you.

---

Oh dear.
 

---

Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 
Well, I guess I'll be missing both the judging and the elimination, because I am heading off to the wilds of New Zealand for three weeks, and don't know if I'll see many internet cafes.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
All the judgments have come in.

However, I forgot to e-mail what I had already to my home addy.

I promise to have everything up tomorrow morning.
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:


I promise to have everything up tomorrow morning.

---

No man's ever said that to me before...

[ 09. January 2005, 21:25: Message edited by: Vikki Pollard ]
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
Well, I guess I'll be missing both the judging and the elimination, because I am heading off to the wilds of New Zealand for three weeks, and don't know if I'll see many internet cafes.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
How long does it take to do a PhD in the Christianisation of the Late Roman Empire these days?

---

About, oh, six years?


 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Grits:
I finally just gave up trying to figure out what everyone was saying, and just started throwing out random scores, based on how much I actually like you.)

---

Did I mention I was in Dudley Richter's little emporium Saturday and after picking up a little ring for moi saw something I just had to get for you?

It was more than I meant to pay but that Van Cleef and Arpel diamond spray broach just screamed your name somehow. That's not what I got you, but it did scream your name.
 

---

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
It's obvious that the entire contest has been compromised by this revelation. I say replace Grits with someone impartial and objective and start the whole thing over!
 

---

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
Goodies from Chorister may be quite continental,
But diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Kiwi kiss may be grand, but he won’t pay the rental
On my humble flat. Will MadGeo give up being Democrat?
Duchess seems cold, and Rossweisse grows old.
LatA's and Vikki’s boobs lose their charms in the end.
But square-cut or pear-shape,
My votes aren't for their shape --
Diamonds are a girl's best friend!

 

---

Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Grits:

LatA's and Vikki’s boobs lose their charms in the end.

---

Clearly, madam, you have not seen either of mine.

[ 10. January 2005, 04:41: Message edited by: Left at the Altar ]
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
I'd like to second that.

This entire competition was compromised when someone pointed out I was the only one not sucking up to Belisaurus.

I'll try harder next time.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:
Purgatory thread "Was the Late Roman Empire Really Christian

You reckon going to Duran Duran concerts is not Christian?

KISS MY SWEETBREAD!

Look, I have gone to various Duran Duran concerts over the years, Missy. The very first one I missed since I forged a note from my mother and my school dean caught me. I was cleaning lockers when a math teacher walked by with his lady friend. To impress her, he made fun of me. "HA HA, you have to clean the lockers!" His lady friend told him to knock it off...felt sorry for me...so there he did not impress her. HA HA.

Later on, I made up for this horrible experience of missing the Simon LeBon dance moves....the Reflex...the Reflex...I started attending every cotton-picking Duran Duran concert that came to the Bay Area. As in Roman Times, momma likes her entertainment. Here they are in SF Xmas Eve
this year. They perform in the Bay Area in March btw. Gotta get me another tee-shirt...yet I disgress...

Anyway, In fact the Romans had their Duran Duran people. One though was John the Baptist. His head was chopped off Matthew 14:10. I am sure girlfriend was Roman Beetch.

This brings me to my point...Was the Late Roman Empire Really Christian? Nope...cuz they chopped good Christian guys' heads off...like poor ol' John. Good thing John Taylor doesn't preach the gospel at dinner tables like John the Baptist. I would be upset to see his metrosexual head sliced off. Hopefully he won't go to Iraq either and get butchered.

Yes, I am sick...but my point is the Romans killed Christians. Like me! I would have been used for lion food...shudder.

True Christians are ones that take the bible literally but bible inerrancy is a Dead Horse, so I'll drop the subject..so I WON'T GO THERE.

[eta: I itch to open this dead horse since I am always RIGHT]

---

quote:

---

Well, there was certainly a maximum of effort put into that. It’s just a shame that you simply leapt in to your area of interest, without first linking it to the Roman Empire. A late, clumsy linking is no good dear, not in Purgatory, where DS would eat you for breakfast if she spotted a gratuitous tangent. But well done for finding such a naturally fitting dead horse, and whipping it so fervently. I also liked the edit at the end, adding another comment about the DH; it made a wonderful finishing touch.

---

quote:

---

As usual, your post is clear as mud. You have a style all your own, girl. Don't ever change.

---

quote:

---

Can't say I understood that at all. Our contestant was obviously pepped up on goof balls when she penned that post.

Not gonna get many points from me for this one, especially when there is a postscript to the phrase with which you were supposed to end.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I have to take issue with your last post about Christianity being firmly established in the Byzantine Empire, Father Gregory. I took an introductory course in college on Byzantine history and culture and did a fair amount of research on the subject, so although certainly not an expert I do know a little bit about it.

One of the more interesting characters in this context is Michael Psellus the younger, on whom I wrote a term paper. I think he is typical of the late Roman/Byzantine mind. You have to realize that by his time (the 11th century) the Western Empire and Rome were lost. Only the Eastern Empire and Constantinople remained, and it was under enormous pressure. Although it was officially still the "Roman" empire, its thought and its culture were essentially Greek. I mention Psellus in particular since although he was actually a monk, his devotion to Neo-Platonism made his orthodoxy suspect to the church fathers. As I found during my research, he was largely responsible for a resurgence of Neo-Platonism. Indeed his advocacy of Platonic philosophy as ideally integrable with Christian doctrine initiated a renewal of Byzantine classical learning that later influenced the Italian Renaissance.

Essentially Neo-Platonism can be defined as:

· 1. Hierarchy of spheres of being, ending with ordinary reality (being in space-time).
· 2. The series is a causal chain.
· 3. Series begins with a principle which is the source of all being.
· 4. The supreme principle, the One, is beyond being, is unique, and utterly simple.
· 5. Each successive sphere is more complex, and more deterministic.
· 6. The knowledge of the One is above predicative knowledge.


I think one can easily see how a devotion to Neo-Platonism is difficult to reconcile with true orthodoxy. So was Psellus "really Christian"? Perhaps not in the strictest sense. But I admire him as something of a rebel against the strict and unyielding hierarchy of the Orthodox Church of his time. Although since he pre-dated the Council of Florence, "Orthodoxy" as such didn’t yet exist. Unfortunately the seeds were already being planted for the somewhat closed-minded and exclusive attitude we see today in the Orthodox denomination, as exemplified in their almost hysterical claims to be the "one, true church" and their closed table fellowship, determined to put themselves "inside" and nearly everybody else "outside". But that’s certainly a dead horse, and I’m not going to go there.

---

quote:

---

Off to a fine start, with the obligatory disclaiming of credentials. And how clever to mimic those PITAs who have taken one intro college course and so know everything about a subject You then followed this with a well-thought-out, and structured main argument, ostensibly answering the question, when in reality, all you were doing is bringing us to the edge of a DH topic. However, your ending felt a little hasty, pet, almost as if you were bored with the DH. I suggest you work hard on polishing this aspect of your posting style.

---

quote:

---

I'm feeling a little "outside" myself after reading that post. You have lots of free time, don't ya, bro? By the way, is the "P" silent in Psellus?

---

quote:

---

An example of a perfect Purgatory post here. It is pompous, waffling and the tangent is sufficiently pseudo-intelligent to produce no more than a few posts on its subject.

Unfortunately, the final phrase was mangled with an illegal improvisation, and so full marks cannot be awarded.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
The Christian influence of the Emperor Constantine has lived on in the story of his namesake in Cornwall (a part of the world with which I am very familiar): St. Petroc gave shelter to a fawn which was being pursued by Prince Constantine and cast a spell on him so he could not move. The spell was only broken when the Prince agreed to become a Christian. The prince was sent to Constantine Bay and became a hermit - the ruins of the little church of St. Constantine and the holy well can still be visited at Constantine Bay - I'd recommend it as a holiday destination.

Of course, forcing someone to become a Christian by means of a spell involves witchcraft and sorcery, which, as the bible expressly states in Revelation 21:8 will condemn the perpetrators to death in the lake that burns with sulphurous flames. Poor St. Petroc and (by consequent invalidation of his conversion) poor St. Constantine! That is assuming, of course, that you believe every word in the bible is to be taken literally – but Biblical Inerrancy is a Dead Horse, so I'll drop the subject.

---

quote:

---

A lovely, little post, flawlessly bringing it into an area of expertise for you. The touching emotional-porn-type story, followed by a proof-text were a perfect one-two with which to hit your readers, before delivering the coup d’etre of the DH.

---

quote:

---

Wow! Spells and wells and hell... oh, my! You've given us quite a visual with this post. I just didn't get the last part. You mean there are people who don't believe every word is true?

---

quote:

---

A decent enough post fulfilling all the necessary criteria. Obviously, it wouldn't get any replies though, due to it being far too boring.

Not really much to say other than that.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
Saying that Rome under Constantine was Christian is kind of like saying the Australian Labor Party is "The New Right". 5 - 10% of it might be, but the rest hangs on to the old commie ways.

You know, the 1950s for the Labor Party was pretty drastic. Ended with the Catholics packing their bags and forming their own party and Labor spending years in the wilderness.

And then along comes a man with vision. Gough Whitlam. He's the Constantine of the Labor Party. He's seen the light and he wants it to be spread far and wide. It's Time.

He wants to change the order in the Labor Party and society and make principles of equality and fairness standard for all. He's got his men to bring the good word and make that change. Lionel Murphy, Jim Cairns and their ilk. These are the True Believers and they've seen the light and there's changes in the law and society, all overseen by Gough.

But it doesn't happen straight away. After the initial surge to adopt the great leader's "religion", it all goes pear-shaped.

The internal bickering within the party leads to schisms and factions that are truly comparable with the early church. You end up with this group calling itself "Labor" but so much at war with each other that its hard to tell that they all share a common vision. The rift that developed in 325 reminds me of a Labor Caucus meeting. All bickering away and threatening to take their bats and balls and go home.

Basically, they are all Lefties, trying to reinvent themselves to win popularity.

Most recently, there's this gay marriage debate.
But even in the Labor Party, the issue of Gay Marriage is a dead Horse, and I'm definitely not going there.

---

quote:

---

Lovely. A wonderful comparison between the OP topic, and your expertise topic, allowing you to really take off in discussion of a topic about which you actually know something. The final nod that gay marriage is a DH within the Labour Party, and so you wouldn’t discuss that is fantastic. I’d give you 4 if Bel would let me.

---

quote:

---

You Aussies just luv your politics, don't ya? Left/Right, Labor/Gay, potayto/potahto - who really cares?

---

quote:

---

For me, the tangent was far too losely linked to the initial subject. Again, the post fulfilled most of the criteria, but the final phrase was improvised and obscured.

Plus, you colonialists spell 'labour'incorrectly.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Vikki Pollard:
That's an interesting thought, GutAche. Welcome to the Ship!

However I think if you're going to compare evangelising Ancient Rome to bringing the message of Christ to 21st century Britain, you are on potentially dodgy ground.

For a start, I disagree with your theory that people were encouraged to vomit as a sign of their spiritual insight in the midst of an evening's carousing. In fact, I'm not too sure people were encouraged to vomit at all... Popular Fallacy )

I also think it is stretching too many points to look to the Romans for signs of spiritual awakening in a Christian context (though others may disagree). It is generally held that the Empire went through a period of extreme societal degeneration before coming to its end. I think that far from being a pointer to the power of the Gospel to change our lives, it is perhaps more an indication of the danger we are currently in of total cultural breakdown.

It is easy to look back and jeer at Emperors holding elaborate funerals for dead horses, the stereotype of people binge-eating and vomiting all evening and gratuitous sex on every street corner. I wonder if there isn't an element of projection here, of us desperately seeking our image in the past, to reassure us that we are not alone in our pursuit of hedonism?

I can't think of any period in history where the world was so divided into rich and poor, fat and thin. We wring our hands helplessly as we see our children exerting less and less physical energy, and becoming fatter and fatter. People smile indulgently as 'celebrities' fat enough to be slaughtered and feed a small African village try desperately to lose five pounds for the cameras in some awful reality TV show. We allow multi-national companies to poison us, stuffing us with additives ("NOW WITH SALAD!!") which in all probability are pre-disposing children to hyperactivity, as well as making them all clones of that disgusting child in the Double-Deckers... Aaaaaaaaaargh!!

So I think to say that present-day Britain echoes the Late Roman Empire is to over-simplify the truth about what the LRE was like, and to under-estimate the scale of our dependency on America. As far as I know, there were no fast food chains from the Unknown West in late Rome.

But 'soon we'll all be as fat as Americans' is a Dead Horse, so I'll drop the subject.

---

quote:

---

Sweetheart, this post feels as if you hastily threw it together, not entirely sure of either the challenge of the round, or, in fact, what a DH actually is. You didn’t particularly name your field of expertise, or establish your credentials within it either. All this meant that, although your post was a good, strong Purgatorial contender, it didn’t wholly fit within the guidelines laid out by Bel for this round. I’d advise you to set aside a little more time to both read the challenge, and respond, next round.

---

quote:

---

What a downer! Vomiting, sex, starving Africans, clones... who hid your Prozac? Besides, there are no fat Americans, only anorexic Europeans.

---

quote:

---

Well, I have to say that I am stunned.

This was, by far,of any of your posts in this competition, the absolute... best.

It was an excellent post for the topic, with just the one error - the scream. Screams really aren't Purgatorial in any way, but because of the nature of the rest of your post, I shall overlook this small error.

I can't see you winning, but I have to be honest and say that I'm now putting you as an outside chance.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rossweisse:
"Was the Late Roman Empire Really Christian?"

In his brilliant, ground-breaking book The Rise of Christianity: How the Obscure, Marginal Jesus Movement Became the Dominant Religious Force in the Western World in a Few Centuries, sociologist Rodney Stark makes a strong case that it was -- or was getting there, in numeric terms.

Stark demonstrates that Christianity grew at a rate of 40 percent per decade: from about 1,000 Christians in the year 40, to nearly 34 million in the year 350 -- or from 0.0017% of the population to 56.5%. While this rate of growth seems incredible, he points out that Mormonism has been doing the same thing in recent decades, growing exponentially by tapping networks of relatives and friends.

Of course, we don't know the extent to which the late Roman Empire really became culturally Christian. Although most of the early converts appear (according to Stark) to have come from the ranks of the Hellenized Jews of the Diaspora, once Christianity became official, it changed significantly in some ways. That's what brought about the monastic movement, and the waves of hermits moving into the desert. They wanted to escape the grandious New! Approved! Christianity.

Post-Constantine Christianity also seems to have downgraded the role of women in the Church, which was clearly much more prominent early on, to judge by both the Bible (paging Phoebe and Junia!) and secular sources.

But the ordination of women is a Dead Horse, so I'll drop it.

---

quote:

---

A fabulous explosion of statistics to support your contentions about the Christianity (or not!) of the LRE. Yet, you didn’t really tell us why you are so expert within the field of sociology, which let your post down a little. As you segued so smoothly into a complete DH, however, I can but award you 3/3.

---

quote:

---

What can I say? Nice segue.

---

quote:

---

This really is for me the best round of the game so far. The entries are, on the whole, very good.

This one is no exception. Its brevity is a great strength - all criteria are fulfilled without too much waffle. Believe me, at this stage in the game, that's an excellent thing.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mad Geo:
Honorable Chihuahua,

Whether the late Roman Empire really was Christian is certainly up for debate. However, your allusion to America being “equivalent to the Roman Empire” is, at minimum, a logical fallacy.

I am a believer that history repeats itself too, but to assume that because we have some “hedonism”, some “wars that appear to be empire-building”, and a president with an “overdeveloped hard-on ( ) for Christianizing America”, that doesn’t necessarily follow that we are going to “collapse like the Roman Empire”. Slippery slope arguments are fine, if you’re Rush Limbaugh or Michael Moore (pick a butthead), but you’re not. So please show me how A plus B plus C equals “collapses like the Roman Empire”.

I don’t like what the president has done much more than you apparently do, but America (and Europe for that matter) has been through a lot of this before. And we probably will not descend into city-states any time soon.

As for your references to America and Iraq War II causing Mexico to invade America, well that’s just preposterous and I would love to dismantle that argument.

But “Let’s Invade America” is a Dead Horse, so I'll drop the subject

---

quote:

---

You do seem to enjoy arguing in defence of America, don’t you, poppet? However, your witticisms in this post, together with your meeting of both objectives of the round, combine to produce a good entry. As this is backed with sound, Purgatorial arguments, your entry hovers near the line demarking brilliance.

---

quote:

---

You almost crossed the lines of Purgatory. I did like you calling Michael Moore a butthead, though, 'cos he really is.

---

quote:

---

Not bad at all.

"Let's invade America", however, is not a Dead Horse. It's just an incredibly stupid statement. Because of that, I'll have to deduct points.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Christmas Pumpkin:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Yuletide Log:
Perhaps we could get Dr Who to go back and see how christian the Roman Empire was.

---

He already went there. It wasn't exactly Christian, just full of bad actors in poor costumes.

---

I'm afraid not, old bean. Certainly he went to Rome in 64 AD, but that's scarcely the time frame that we're talking about on this thread.

Of course, you may be talking about one of the novels written after the series was cancelled (the New Adventures series.) But they are not canonical and should not be accepted as literal truth. That status is reserved for the TV series (and perhaps the official BBC series of books.) However, the question of accepting the canon as literally true is a dead horse, and I'm not going to go there.

---

quote:

---

Well, you certainly made me laugh, hon. A casual and laid-back, yet snappy and sharp answer to two daft posts. You wonderfully fulfilled the criteria for the round, and your final twist on the DH gave that finishing touch to an already fabulous entry.

---

quote:

---

I liked it, 'cos who doesn't like Dr. Who?

---

quote:

---

Again, the brevity is a bonus, and all criteria are fulfilled.

There was, however, a smilie sneaked in there. My opinions on them are well known.

---

quote:

---

STOO:
Plus, you colonialists spell 'labour'incorrectly.

---

Well, actually, we do know how to spell labour. It is the Labor party that does not know how to spell labour
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
The Poll's results have been archived.

We regret to announce that Mad Geo lost this round.

ROUND 5: KERYGMANIA

This is the last round where the Judges will directly affect the Contestants' chances; each Contestant who scores 7 or higher will receive two extra votes.

Each Contestant will create an OP ostensibly to discuss a verse but that is also a backhanded swipe at a shipmate or a designated category of shipmates. The 10 Commandments and Kerygmania guidelines must be followed and Dead Horses must be avoided.
 

---

Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
Doh!

Since I voted democrat this last time around, I demand a recount!!!!!



I woulda been sacked on Kerygmania anyway .

Congratulations and good luck to all my opponents, especially Kiwigoldcarp.
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
Judas, the "Kiss of Death" and vengeance

I'm looking for a "christian response" to a situation that I face. And as I read Luke's gospel this morning I got to thinking.

Luke 22:39-40
Jesus asked Judas, "Are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?"

Obviously this is a pretty famous scene. And action ostensibly made in the name of friendship which ultimately betrays and brings about the demise of the one to whom it is made. We know that side of it pretty well, but what do we make of the attitude shown to Judas afterwards?

In later passages (and in the way the gospel writers handle Judas) there is almost a hint of gloating at his death, at the spilling of his guts. Is this a fair surmise of the attitude of the early church? It this a "christian response" to being shafted by a mate?

Recently I was given the "Kiss of Death" by another shipmate - on the surface of it an endorsement and a public show of support as he left the competition as a loser, but I can't help feeling like this will backfire spectacularly and leave me shafted in the next vote.

In Luke 22:51 Jesus stops the disciples from fighting back. Is this the norm? To wait until the betrayal and it's consequences are complete? Or is there a place for disemboweling someone here and now before it's too late?
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Jesus said, "Do not call any man on earth 'father'; for you have one Father, and he is in heaven." (Matt. 23:9, New English Bible).

I would like to know what this verse means in context of Christ's teachings, and also the practical outworking of the Christian Faith in the 21st Century. It has direct relevance and importance for those of us on board the ship as we are being forced to call one of our very own, 'Father Gregory'. I notice that some shipmates have taken to calling him 'Fregory' or 'Freggers' - is this because they believe Christ is commanding them to do so, or simply because his views are more acceptable if we treat him like a cuddly pet?
And what shall I call my vicar when I greet him on Sunday morning?
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
…so I says to myself, "Self, you are screwed this round, ‘cause you don’t know a thing about the Bible, being an Episcopalian and all. And where the heck did Bel come up with this topic anyway?" Nor do I have a clue as to what goes on in Kerygmania.

So logically the first order of business seemed to be to scoot down to Kerygmania and familiarize myself with the milieu. Upon arrival I almost immediately stumble upon this gem, which as best I can tell more than fulfills the requirements. Indeed, one might think inspired the topic. So not being able to improve upon perfection, I present, courtesy of JimmyT:

Genesis 3:22 ("[Man] Must Not Be Allowed to Live Forever")

quote:

---

This thread was spawned from Sharkshooter's interest in a discussion as to why I would say that a "literal" reading of Genesis 3 (the kind of reading that assumes Adam and Eve did not have a bellybutton and Genesis is a factual news story rather than myth) leads to several points grounded in this one: Man's natural created state was mortality and not immortality. This is revealed in this verse (NIV):

Gen 3:22. And the LORD God said, "The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever."

If the Lord God actually said that Man must not be allowed to eat of the tree of life and live forever, Man's natural state at the time of his creation was mortality and not immortality. Only eating of the Tree of Life would grant immortality; therefore Man was created mortal, like animals.

I am fully aware that most Christians say that Man's natural state was immortality and that he was punished with mortality for disobedience, imparting a "fallen" state to all of humankind. But certainly a literal interpretation of Gen 3:22 makes it impossible to argue that Man's natural state was immortality. Man's natural state was mortality and immortality could only be gained by eating of the Tree of Life. Further, God clearly did not want this to happen for eternity, and eternally guards the source of immortality from Man.

Many very challenging issues arise from this, but I will not go into them yet. First, I am posting this as an invitation to all those, Fundamentalist or not, who believe that Man's natural state at the time of his creation was immortality. Gen 3:22 clearly says that Man was created mortal and intended by God never to obtain immortality.

---

 

---

Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
This looks like a really hard round guys. Still, you've all done really well up to now, and I'm sure we'll see some more superlative entries.

I don't know how anyone manages to vote on the polls. I've tried before, and I can't pick two people I like best out of all of you. You're all so good at this

So, keep going. I know you can fly through this round.

Sarkycow, judge
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Wow, a pep-talk from a judge! I feel so...... empowered (looks for muscle-flexing smilie)
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Lawn Chairs and Mint Juleps are Skubalon to knowing Christ


I realise that the purpose of this board is for everyone to explore and learn together so don't think I am directing this at anyone in particular.

It is just that it seems to me that St. Paul was saying here in this verse, Philippians 3:8 KJV, in a round about way, that all material things are s--ty and hence bad, to knowing Christ. Let me explain.

You see, that extra lawn chair for sitting out on the porch, it is s--t, as is the mint julep that a certain nameless, dapper gentleman might gulp greedily on a hot summer's day*, it is gleaming, frothy
s--t , folks, not the true living water that Christ gives you. I mean that. Don't ever forget that.

My main point is that we Americans are used to excess, especially like in the South where I used to live and don't anymore, we make our lawn chairs and mint julep drinks idols, and idols are baaad. Jesus is what we want to win, not backyard excess crap, even if the lawn chair fits my fat butt comfortably. Please forgive me if I offended anybody but whenever I ponticate with my steel-plated bible, I get emotional. I guess it hits a little too close to home for me, well, even though I live in the big city far away from the South in NoCal.

On a positive note, I feel I am finally on my way to knowing Christ better than many, I hope you can too.

*No certain shipmate cited here, it is just hypothetically speaking of course


[eta: I really mean that. For reals. ]

[ 15. January 2005, 19:23: Message edited by: duchess ]
 

---

Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 
Yikes! You make things tough for a heathen travelling sans Bible. What's the cut-off date for this challenge??
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
Wow, a pep-talk from a judge! I feel so...... empowered...

---

....or frightened....

 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
Yikes! You make things tough for a heathen travelling sans Bible. What's the cut-off date for this challenge??

---

quote:

---

Eze 23:20
(20) She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose semen was like that of horses.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rossweisse:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
Wow, a pep-talk from a judge! I feel so...... empowered...

---

....or frightened....

---

Ah, but I'd already posted my entry. Your turn.....
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
LatA--

We're not in a particular rush; if you think you'll be able to post sometime this coming week, we'll be happy to wait.

Possibly Helpful Reference

Come of up with a swipe, then find a verse that fits.

[ 17. January 2005, 01:14: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
Bel, since your here: What's the official position on lip-synching? A certain shipmate, who shall remain without name seems to have lipsynched his last performance.
 

---

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 
Perhaps we should re-christen him Milli Vanilli? Question is, does he have the hair for it?
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
[Sorry--am back now...]

The "he" sort of gave it away; not very familiar with Kerygmania myself, I only glanced at the post during the short time I was on yesterday. This post does present a problem:

quote:

---

Posts will be judged on any or all of the following: originality, effectiveness, humor, visual appeal, and correct spelling/punctuation/grammar [Emphasis mine].

---

The "lip-synching" (to be fair, openly acknowledged) wasn't specfically forbidden, but if the post isn't resubmitted, I'm sure the judging will be strongly affected by this action.
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
I thought plagiarizing someone else's post was very original. Nobody else had done it.

Actually, my extremely fragile ego can't stand losing, so I thought it better to get thrown off for cheating.

If you think I'm joking I'm not. I'm one sick puppy.
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
Romans 1:16-18 (New International Version):
16 I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. 17 For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith." (Here's a link from Bible.gospelcom.net)

Not for nothing is the Letter to the Romans (arguably, at least) Paul's Greatest Hit. I find this particular passage interesting for several reasons, especially the questions it raises in my mind about the nature of the Church and its authority.

As an Anglican, I do believe that the Historic Episcopacy (aka the "Apostolic Succession") is important. One must have authority, after all, and why not the original issue? But I also have problems with the notion that there is, or can be, Just One True Church, the sole gateway to God's grace and favor.

Our Roman Catholic and Orthodox Shipmates will no doubt disagree with me on this issue, since, as they regularly point out, they are each members of The One True Church. Of course, the Two True Churches seem to be mutually exclusive in many ways. (And I don't mean to leave out the members of any of the other One True Churches; space issues prevent me from listing them all.)

This passage seems to me to indicate that faith is the most important element for salvation. Where do specific church bodies fit into this equation? I would be interested in exploring your ideas of what this passage really means. (No Greek, please!)
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Some interesting overnight developments - now if I'd not already submitted my entry, I would be frantically looking up bible verses to come up with one speaking against cheating - or copying - so I could have a side swipe at Sine. Or I could have even more fun finding a verse, in one of the letters of Paul for example, where he applauds someone sincerely trying to imitate a good example. Then I could have a side swipe at those who were having a side swipe at Sine. What fun!
Unfortunately, my entry is already in the can....... Ah, well.......
 

---

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
...Unfortunately, my entry is already in the can....... Ah, well.......

---

quote:

---

But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Vikki Pollard:
Please don't make me laugh; I've got a chest infection and a terribly sore throat and it really hurts...

---

Well nobody is foreskin you to read it Vikki.
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Kiwikegfish, you just need to look at life's light passage through a rose-colored prism scrotum.
 

---

Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Well. I've just finished writing my judgements for this competition, and you've all done fabulously. This really is the best round so far. I shall be very sorry to lose any of you, especially after all the effort you've all put in, and the highs and lows that we have visited together.

Just remember, that you're all winners in my book

Sarkycow, judge
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Apparently you've gotten a new book. Did you buy it or is it on inter-library loan?
 

---

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
Wherever she got it, apparently she has smoked it.
 

---

Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Apparently you've gotten a new book. Did you buy it or is it on inter-library loan?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Does it have candid photos of you and Hoppy in the tiny tea tent at Greenbelt?

---

No; photos of me beating people up are not good for my public image as a fluffy SOF Idol.

Those photos will be in my memoirs of being a hellhost and all round bitch

Do keep up with the programme.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Sarky, you remind me of those rag dolls you can buy - when you pull her dress over her head you reveal a quite different personality underneath.....

Nice little money spinner having a different book for each personality. Are we to expect a whole series?
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
Sarky, you remind me of those rag dolls you can buy - when you pull her dress over her head you reveal a quite different personality underneath.....

---

 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
Somehow this isn't quite what I was expecting...
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
I'd just like to point out that this thread has gone a full 6 days without the male members mentioning their willies. I think that this fact goes a long way to show that LATA's post was based on a phallusy.
 

---

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
Quit trying to dicktate to all the women on this thread, kiwi.
 

---

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Getting a little cocky, there?
 

---

Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
.... LATA's post was based on a phallusy.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
Judas, the "Kiss of Death" and vengeance

I'm looking for a "christian response" to a situation that I face. And as I read Luke's gospel this morning I got to thinking.

Luke 22:39-40
Jesus asked Judas, "Are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?"

Obviously this is a pretty famous scene. And action ostensibly made in the name of friendship which ultimately betrays and brings about the demise of the one to whom it is made. We know that side of it pretty well, but what do we make of the attitude shown to Judas afterwards?

In later passages (and in the way the gospel writers handle Judas) there is almost a hint of gloating at his death, at the spilling of his guts. Is this a fair surmise of the attitude of the early church? It this a "christian response" to being shafted by a mate?

Recently I was given the "Kiss of Death" by another shipmate - on the surface of it an endorsement and a public show of support as he left the competition as a loser, but I can't help feeling like this will backfire spectacularly and leave me shafted in the next vote.

In Luke 22:51 Jesus stops the disciples from fighting back. Is this the norm? To wait until the betrayal and it's consequences are complete? Or is there a place for disemboweling someone here and now before it's too late?

---

quote:

---

Wonderful choice of verse, sweetheart, and a good, plausible post built around it. I enjoyed your swipe at MadGeo, and your wondering of how you should respond. What’s a Christian guy to do in those circumstances? An extremely reasonable apparent discussion of a verse, that was at the same time, beautifully twisted and vicious.

---

quote:

---

Dude, I feel your pain. There's nothing worse than being given a "plastic fuzzy", especially by someone who's supposed to be a friend. I like the way you essentially equated yourself to Jesus in the process, too.

---

quote:

---

A fine Kerygmanic post, though I'm not sure the swipe at the shipmate could be classed as "backhanded". Because of this, and the fact that I have a cold, I'm docking you points.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
Jesus said, "Do not call any man on earth 'father'; for you have one Father, and he is in heaven." (Matt. 23:9, New English Bible).

I would like to know what this verse means in context of Christ's teachings, and also the practical outworking of the Christian Faith in the 21st Century. It has direct relevance and importance for those of us on board the ship as we are being forced to call one of our very own, 'Father Gregory'. I notice that some shipmates have taken to calling him 'Fregory' or 'Freggers' - is this because they believe Christ is commanding them to do so, or simply because his views are more acceptable if we treat him like a cuddly pet?
And what shall I call my vicar when I greet him on Sunday morning?

---

quote:

---

A well-chosen verse, with an interesting exposition of what, potentially it means. I was initially a little unsure, however, of whom the swipe was directed at, petal. A good dichotomy of reasons, and the little quip to finish, left me grinning, and raised your score. Well done!

---

quote:

---

Sister, you hit a sore spot with me, and I think you've answered your own query. Maybe you could call your vicar "Big Daddy".

---

quote:

---

Again, a good post. Brevity is, as I have previously said, a bonus. The swipe though, is, again, far too transparent. Unless, that is, it is not directed at our cuddly Orthodox priest, but at those who call him by the diminutive. Personally, I don't think your post was well enough thought-out for that to be the case.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
…so I says to myself, "Self, you are screwed this round, ‘cause you don’t know a thing about the Bible, being an Episcopalian and all. And where the heck did Bel come up with this topic anyway?" Nor do I have a clue as to what goes on in Kerygmania.

So logically the first order of business seemed to be to scoot down to Kerygmania and familiarize myself with the milieu. Upon arrival I almost immediately stumble upon this gem, which as best I can tell more than fulfills the requirements. Indeed, one might think inspired the topic. So not being able to improve upon perfection, I present, courtesy of JimmyT:

Genesis 3:22 ("[Man] Must Not Be Allowed to Live Forever")

quote:

---

This thread was spawned from Sharkshooter's interest in a discussion as to why I would say that a "literal" reading of Genesis 3 (the kind of reading that assumes Adam and Eve did not have a bellybutton and Genesis is a factual news story rather than myth) leads to several points grounded in this one: Man's natural created state was mortality and not immortality. This is revealed in this verse (NIV):

Gen 3:22. And the LORD God said, "The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever."

If the Lord God actually said that Man must not be allowed to eat of the tree of life and live forever, Man's natural state at the time of his creation was mortality and not immortality. Only eating of the Tree of Life would grant immortality; therefore Man was created mortal, like animals.

I am fully aware that most Christians say that Man's natural state was immortality and that he was punished with mortality for disobedience, imparting a "fallen" state to all of humankind. But certainly a literal interpretation of Gen 3:22 makes it impossible to argue that Man's natural state was immortality. Man's natural state was mortality and immortality could only be gained by eating of the Tree of Life. Further, God clearly did not want this to happen for eternity, and eternally guards the source of immortality from Man.

Many very challenging issues arise from this, but I will not go into them yet. First, I am posting this as an invitation to all those, Fundamentalist or not, who believe that Man's natural state at the time of his creation was immortality. Gen 3:22 clearly says that Man was created mortal and intended by God never to obtain immortality.

---

---

quote:

---

A bold and imaginative move, stealing another’s post, and claiming that it fitted the criteria so perfectly that you couldn’t improve on it. Which, in itself, is a backhanded swipe at the original author of the post, as I’m sure Bel, and my fellow judges, realised immediately. Thus you cleverly fulfilled the criteria of the post, in a creative and daring way. Great thinking, petal.

---

quote:

---

You are screwed this round. (Your words, not mine.) However, I gotta give ya props for digging out one that you knew would raise my hackles. You've actually made me want to check out Kerygmania more often. They're obviously in need of some serious guidance down there.

---

quote:

---

I really must award marks for ingenuity, humour and downright cunning for this post. Unfortunately (for you), and with a rather smug grin on my face, I must deduct them all again for cheating and being stupid enough to let us know the fact. I'll also have to recommend that you are disgracefully thrown out of the competition. Que sera, sera.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:
Lawn Chairs and Mint Juleps are Skubalon to knowing Christ


I realise that the purpose of this board is for everyone to explore and learn together so don't think I am directing this at anyone in particular.

It is just that it seems to me that St. Paul was saying here in this verse, Philippians 3:8 KJV, in a round about way, that all material things are s--ty and hence bad, to knowing Christ. Let me explain.

You see, that extra lawn chair for sitting out on the porch, it is s--t, as is the mint julep that a certain nameless, dapper gentleman might gulp greedily on a hot summer's day*, it is gleaming, frothy
s--t , folks, not the true living water that Christ gives you. I mean that. Don't ever forget that.

My main point is that we Americans are used to excess, especially like in the South where I used to live and don't anymore, we make our lawn chairs and mint julep drinks idols, and idols are baaad. Jesus is what we want to win, not backyard excess crap, even if the lawn chair fits my fat butt comfortably. Please forgive me if I offended anybody but whenever I ponticate with my steel-plated bible, I get emotional. I guess it hits a little too close to home for me, well, even though I live in the big city far away from the South in NoCal.

On a positive note, I feel I am finally on my way to knowing Christ better than many, I hope you can too.

*No certain shipmate cited here, it is just hypothetically speaking of course


[eta: I really mean that. For reals. ]

---

quote:

---

A great way to start such a post: claim that you’re not directing nasty comments at anyone, before… well, directing nasty comments at someone. That way, when the cap fits, it’s not your fault, because you didn’t set out to offend, or be mean to them. Sweetie, I like it already And then, to add to the beauty of that, you posted a finely crafted and exquisitely honed exegesis of what the Bible passage really means, whilst simultaneously slapping down a fellow contestant. Who could ask for more? Certainly not me.

---

quote:

---

I loved this post, although I suppose I'm one of the ones being backhanded. I only have to subtract points because of its, uh, form.

---

quote:

---

A good swipe, but a pathetic OP.

As you, yourself said, "this board is for everyone to explore and learn together" (my emphasis). Your post was a sermon, not a discussion point.

When we start up Preacher Idol, you can be sure we'll give you a call. Probably.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Vikki Pollard:
Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil. (Romans 14:15, NIV)

I'd like some help unpacking this one. Firstly, does this actually imply that we ought not to have moral absolutes? - that each of us should decided for ourselves what 'goes' and what doesn't?

It seems to me in context to be a bit of a turn-around, since the basic argument in the passage is surely that we shouldn't cause people to stumble by our choices. However, this verse slips in almost as a reminder that nor should we go on a guilt trip if they don't agree with our 'freedom' - if I read it right.

OR... should I be more narrow-minded about this? Should I be crusading in Hell, disagreeing vehemently in the Lord's Name with every rant which goes against my beliefs and principles?

Further, could I use this verse to justify personal attacks on here, for example, calling to Hell those who villified my breasts in verse, saying they would 'lose their charms' if I recall correctly, and passed it off as a joke (without having seen them, I may add), or the fellow-competitor who expressed amazement at my having made it through to this round? Should I, as a matter of good theology, take up with them the issue of their speaking evil of what I considered to be a perfectly good entry?

I would like to ask how people think we should balance this verse with the injunction to turn the other cheek - or even if we should try to do so.

It seems to me that this verse in Romans calls for a level of tolerance which, if it were adhered to, might close one or two threads on here, if not entire boards.

What think ye?

---

quote:

---

I’m not saying that your post was any less good than everyone else’s post in this competition; it’s just that I felt it didn’t have quite the focus of everyone else’s. Your backhanded swipe also felt more defensive than attacking, which is never a good position to be sniping at people from. However, you covered your tracks well, and created an interesting putative explanation of the verse. All in all, you shouldn’t be disappointed – you did well, darling.

---

quote:

---

Girlfriend, you pulled out all the stops this time. Just remember: You and LatA were chief among those parading your boobs all over the "Stay Young and Beautiful" thread. Before that, I had never really given your breasts a thought. Really.

---

quote:

---

Once more, a good discussion piece, and a not-too-bad swipe. It's not, I admit, that much of a backhand, but it's better than anyone else has managed so far. Who'd have thought it?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rossweisse:
Romans 1:16-18 (New International Version):
16 I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. 17 For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: “The righteous will live by faith." (Here's a link from Bible.gospelcom.net)

Not for nothing is the Letter to the Romans (arguably, at least) Paul's Greatest Hit. I find this particular passage interesting for several reasons, especially the questions it raises in my mind about the nature of the Church and its authority.

As an Anglican, I do believe that the Historic Episcopacy (aka the "Apostolic Succession") is important. One must have authority, after all, and why not the original issue? But I also have problems with the notion that there is, or can be, Just One True Church, the sole gateway to God's grace and favor.

Our Roman Catholic and Orthodox Shipmates will no doubt disagree with me on this issue, since, as they regularly point out, they are each members of The One True Church. Of course, the Two True Churches seem to be mutually exclusive in many ways. (And I don't mean to leave out the members of any of the other One True Churches; space issues prevent me from listing them all.)

This passage seems to me to indicate that faith is the most important element for salvation. Where do specific church bodies fit into this equation? I would be interested in exploring your ideas of what this passage really means. (No Greek, please!)

---

quote:

---

Initially, sweetie, I was debating dropping your mark, as you used three verses, rather than the one asked for by Bel. However, your bold and amusing swipe at various shipmates, drawn together well with your debating of what the passage is truly saying, quickly pulled your score back up. Bravo, especially for the most wide-ranging swipe seen yet.

---

quote:

---

I'm speechless. You managed to backhand a huge contingent with this one, and I've no doubt a "Call to Hell" would be forthcoming if posted for reals. Probably several.

---

quote:

---

It's not bad. You've done what it said on the tin. Again, the swipe was maybe a little transparent, but the standard of the others has been such that you'll get a decent amount of points.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
Recently, I've been troubled by what seems to me to be uncontolled sexual urges (for want of a better phrase - "lewdness" is, perhaps, more accurate) among some male shipmates.

Some have made constant reference to their own genitalia, and others to (even worse) animal genitalia, in Heaven. While I love these men as my brothers, it bothers me and I don't know how best to help them. I worry about them, and those who should be caring for them.

Paul says:

quote:

---

But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

---

1 Cor 9


Now, to my mind, this is saying, that if men cannot control themselves, then they should marry. As we know, evil is as much in thought and word, as it is in deed. Therefore, the references of these men to matters lewd, is indeed as bad as if they were to actually do what they say, even if in jest.

Does Paul say that, once married, these men should be able to control themselves? Does marriage, of itself, bring control to the uncontrolable? Are these men beyond control? Are the so base, so vile, in their very spirit that even marriage has not been able to control them?

Or could their wives be the ones failing to heed the wisdom of Paul? Is it role of the wife to control the husband? Could it be that the wives, in this instance, are failing to provide the guidance required to stop these men thinking constantly of their genitals, and those of animals?

I'd like to hear the views of other shipmates, with more experience than me. Are the vile and lewd utterings of the shipmates for whom I worry so much, caused by their own weaknesses, or the weaknesses of their wives? Or is Paul not at all concerned with married men, who speak and think of animals and fornication constantly, provided they are married? That is, once wed, can one be completely without morals and control?

I'd appreciate your views and guidance.

---

quote:

---

I loved the apparent concern which prompted your questioning of what the verse means. I’ll bet you’re one of those who mentions other people’s problem, “purely for prayer”, right, honey? It was a great way to take a swipe at the more puerile of our competitors, whilst acknowledging their no doubt good-intentioned efforts to help you find an appropriate verse. And what an appropriate verse you came up with. Splendid effort.

---

quote:

---

The sincerity of your post got to me. I worry about these guys, too. I blame the internet and the church.

---

quote:

---

Vaguely humourous, including a extremely thinnly veiled swipe, but when you pay peanuts...

I'll give it a couple of points. Mainly cos I'm pleased to have finished reading it.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Stoo:

I'll also have to recommend that you are disgracefully thrown out of the competition.

---

I'd like to be able to snarlingly say "I been thrown outta better joints than this", but I haven't. Still, being ignominiously expelled for cheating in a contest on a Christian website would be kinda cool.

But then I'm easily entertained.
 

---

Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
I won't vote this round; I just can't. It's totally unfair to make me choose between you.

Sarkycow, judge
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
I'm still really confused as to the point of the judges awarding marks when everyone is put to the vote...

Perhaps I missed some important TV programme...

Never having seen Kerygmania and being in the grip of flu/lurgy, I'm quite pleased with my result.

GO SINE! GO SINE!!!
 

---

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
I voted, but I only voted for one.



Grits, judge
 

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Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sarkycow:
I won't vote this round; I just can't. It's totally unfair to make me choose between you.

Sarkycow, judge

---

so what you're saying is that we all bribed you for this round?
 

---

Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
 
Well, I voted.

It's just a shame there wasn't a None of the Above option.

Stoo
Judge
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
The poll results have been archived.

We regret to announce that Duchess lost this round.

ROUND 6: ALL SAINTS

This will be the last round in which voters may choose two different contestants.

In this round, each contestant must create an OP requesting assistance or feedback. The request must be significant enough not to appear trivial, but not so urgent that posters would feel guilted or manipulated into participating. The "no homework" rule must, of course, be observed.

As the Judges are no longer granting immunity or extra votes, they will from this point on present their opinions at will.
 

---

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 

quote:

---

We regret to announce that Duchess lost this round.

---

She's going to be P.O.'ed. For reals.
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
No homework..?

What do you mean, Beli? (Still thinking in words of one syllable but doing slightly better than the Pope )
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
But...but...I CHEATED.

I thought this was supposed to be a Christian website.
 

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Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
Yeah but I voted for ya, Hon.

The Vote of Vikki. There ya go. You have to suffer an extra round as well.

MOO HAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Vikki Pollard:
No homework..?

What do you mean, Beli?

---

Essentially, don't ask for help for something you are capable of doing or supposed to do yourself.

[word left out]

[ 02. February 2005, 13:51: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
Ah...

Having always done my own homework, missed that reference entirely - sorry!

Thanks.

I assume that goes for Sine as well?
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Oh d*ar, alas and alack, I hav* had a t*rribl* fat* b*fall m* as a k**n gam*r: som*how, through car*l*ssn*ss on th* part of on* of my f*llow comp*titors, I hav* lost all th* l*tt*r ‘*’s from my gam* of Scrabbl*™. And I am du* to tak* part in th* National Scrabbl*™ tournam*nt n*xt w**k!

As you can s** from this post, it is v*ry hard ind**d to mak* many words without using th* l*tt*r ‘*’, so it has r*nd*r*d my Scrabbl*™ gam* unplayabl*.

I know th*r* ar* som* p*opl* who hav* Scrabbl*™ gam*s gath*ring dust up in th*ir lofts, unus*d, and so th*y ar* not using th*ir l*tt*r ‘*’s. I would lik* to know wh*r* th*s* unus*d gam*s ar* hiding so I can b*g, st*al or borrow th*m, to r*pl*nish my stock of l*tt*r ‘*’s.

Pl*as* PM m* if you know of th*ir wh*r*abouts.
 

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Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Grits:

quote:

---

We regret to announce that Duchess lost this round.

---

She's going to be P.O.'ed. For reals.

---

[eta: I need some time. Just gimme some space to grieve, to lick my wounds. Thx.]

[ 02. February 2005, 16:05: Message edited by: duchess ]
 

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Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 
Religious trivia needed (fairly) urgently

Gahh! I'm hosting a trivia night tomorrow to raise funds for refugee children who were orphaned by the recent earthquake in [God foresaken place] and things were going really well until last night.

Each round of questions is divided into categories: Current affairs, History, Politics, etc, with one category being Religion.

Trouble is, last night my study was flooded in the storms we've had here in Melbourne and my Relgious questions sheet was washed away (managed to save the rest).

As you know, I am a heathen of the worst type, so my ability to just pull interesting questions out of the air is limited. I'd got all the original material from a theological type friend, who seems to have gone on holidays, or something, because he's not answering his phone (maybe he drowned?)

Don't feel obliged, but this could be your big chance to (a) demonstrate your vast knowledge of things important (in the great and glorious scheme of things), yet trivial and (b) improve the lives of littlies in terrible circumstances. Any ridiculously trivial piece of religious history, or practice, or myth that you just happen to know (please don't go to the extent of doing any research) will do the trick.

Thanks in advance.

[ 03. February 2005, 01:22: Message edited by: Left at the Altar ]
 

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Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
Support for Overcoming Sexual Obsession

Takes a deep breath

After recent comments made by a heathen friend of mine I have come to realise that I do have a real problem with obsessively talking about sex, and in particular my genitalia and the size thereof.

I know that I am not alone in this battle. I was wondering if anyone else had faced up to such obsessions and what they found helpful. Are there any support groups out there to discuss such things? Or online forums?

Is anyone interested in setting up a private board here for the ship guys to use to hold each other accountable over such things? Sharing in our woundedness to help each other take our minds off the things of the flesh and concentrate instead on the things of the spirit.

Please feel free to PM me if you're too embarrassed to share on a public forum. Or email me at supersizeme@howbigisyours.com.

Thank you in advance for your grace with me as I share this painful journey.
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Hello! Anybody out there?

Does anybody out there know how to do the Heimlich Maneuver? I'm babysitting my godson and we seem to be having a bit of a problem with our Chicken McNuggets. I thought I knew the proper proceedure, but apparently not.

I keep getting a busy signal at 911 so any suggestions would be welcome.

Oh! Oh dear. Never mind. No big rush now. Still, it would be nice to know for future reference.

But while we're on the subject, has anybody ever had to break some really bad news to parents? Do you think it's best to beat around the bush for a while or just cut to the chase?

Thanks,
Sine
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Sine, you are very naughty. There is no way I'd feel guilted or manipulated into replying to that one. Oh no, not at all......


Mothers, do not trust this man with your children
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Well, I did say there was no big rush after a certain point. I was quite clear about that.
 

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Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
Downsizing
No, I'm not referring to the modestly-endowed male model on the Anatomy programme, but to a (modern?) trend which I'm sorely tempted to become a part of.

As many of you know, I live with my daughter, who has a chronic condition which leads to times of pain and depression. I feel more and more that I would like to be able to sort my life a little so that I am able to be there (ie in the house) for her if she needs me, whilst remaining in paid employment (although I have considered going onto benefits - however this would be a little drastic for the current situation).

My employers are really understanding but there is a limit to how much compassionate leave one can take.

My skills are in the area of teaching and training, public speaking, mentoring and making people laugh. And cooking and baking, creative writing and writing songs/sketches. I also speak four languages (including Yorkshire). I've done psychometric tests which indicate that I'd be a good actress, after-dinner speaker, hospital clown or psychiatrist.

I'd like to ask Shipmates:

1) Are there any (sane) suggestions for jobs which would fit my skill-mix, bearing in mind that I have a mortgage to pay (though I am open to selling and renting if that's what it takes)?

2) Has anybody already downsized, and would you be prepared to share your experiences, good or bad? Has anyone managed to be more flexible whilst earning a decent salary?

Of course, I'm aware that we almost all go through a mid-life crisis, but I'm really not prepared to buy into the rat-race any more than I absolutely have to. All ideas welcomed.

Thanks!

[ 04. February 2005, 20:38: Message edited by: Vikki Pollard ]
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Is Rossweise still in and playing?
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Yes; she's just unavoidably delayed.
 

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Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
Sorry -- I was all set to spend the day in bed with a nice bout of fever and chills on Friday when the Spousal Unit trumped me with Total Agony. He ended the day with an emergency gall bladder removal.

He's home now and resting comfortably, and I am regarding his supply of Heavy-Duty Narcotics with a certain degree of envy.

I'm trying to think of something to write right now...
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Silly Rossweise, you missed a great opportunity All you needed to do at the end of the post above would have been to add a plea for a shipmate to come to your rescue and write your competition entry for you - as you were so busy looking after your ailing other half, whilst fighting the flu yourself - and your entry would have been written!

Instead, you now have to spend ages composing a completely different entry. Oh the things I have to do to help my fellow competitiors......
 

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Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
I posted whilst delirious with flu and even THAT didn't manage to lose the round.

You ok Hon??? Hope Mr R is ok. I hate to say it, but men just CAN'T let you have the attention when you're ill.

[ 07. February 2005, 08:12: Message edited by: Vikki Pollard ]
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
I forgot to mention I typed my entry one-handed after losing my right hand in a freak chain-saw accident cutting down a giant tree that was about to topple on the vine-covered cottage of a neighboring poor lonely widow-woman who has no one in the world to help her but little Sine.

But hey. That's the kind of guy I am.
 

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Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
That reminds me, Sir, Ah furgot ter give yer the bill fer that there Chainsaw Service Ah carried out.

I'll mail it by carrier pigeon.


(ETA: If that's the kind of guy you are, I think it might be an idea to change your sig.)

[ 07. February 2005, 12:03: Message edited by: Vikki Pollard ]
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
And I typed my entry on a keyboard where the 'E' had inexplicably fallen out. Such is my dedication to keep going, and provide uninterrupted service to post-hungry Shipmates. I just hope the 'E' didn't fall into the wrong hands and get mistaken for something else.
 

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Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
And I posted my entry without once poking my tongue out of the side of my mouth in intense concentration.

That's the kind of guy I am.
 

---

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
I meant to ask. With MW and Small Fire on the out, will there be rounds including them? It seems a little too soon for a retro theme.

What I'm really asking is, should I swallow my fears and creep into MW while it's still here to do some swotting?
 

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Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 
I typed mine while all the time thinking about Kiwigoldfish's *little* problem. You know, even when worrying about me, I worry about him.
 

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Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
Helpful Advice Urgently Needed!

First my mother went into the hospital abruptly with pneumonia. Then I got sick. Then my husband had to have emergency surgery. Then my younger child got upchucky sick in the middle of the night. Then my boss helpfully decided he wanted me to completely restructure a major story whose original content and direction he'd suggested in the first place. Then my husband decided he could lift more than the 20 pounds the surgeon permitted and put himself back into bed in serious pain.....and much, much more.

So I need your help, Shipmates. Should I make this entry a blatant, emotional, heart-tugging plea for sympathy? Or should I go with my original idea of requesting help with the exegesis of a really dull bit of Old Testament -- either the "begats" or the more yawn-making bits of Leviticus, your choice?

I hope to hear from you soon!
 

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Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
Well we were warned against the former, so I'd stick with the exegesis.

Your friend, Vikki*.

*Writing from her sick bed - FOUR WEEKS OFF now and still not feeling good. But hey, thank goodness the Ship is here so I can still reach out to others. I miss my friends. No, that's not true, I... don't really have many friends. Though someone emailed to ask if I was ever going to get better.

How can I answer that? This was meant to be a quick flu bug.

AND the cat has impacted anal glands and screamed like an opera singer being raped at the vet's yesterday - where my ill daughter had to carry her, as I hadn't enough breath to do it.

OH! Sorry, I must be feverish again... except, reading back, it's all true...

So yes, Rossweise, I'd go with the exegesis idea I think. nobody ELSE on here has been trying to capitalise on their life events. Sine has been a model of propriety - wouldn't be surprised if he wins.

http//:www.vikkibetsonline/co.uk
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Did I mention the poor lonely widow-woman can't afford false teeth so I go over and chew her dinner for her every evening?

And I don't even like cat food.
 

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Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Did I mention the poor lonely widow-woman can't afford false teeth so I go over and chew her dinner for her every evening?

And I don't even like cat food.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I took her some twigs I'd gathered (with my teeth) in the forest so she could have a wee

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
It's all about you, isn't it, Vikki?

---

Well it certainly might be, next time I have the chance to vote - or not - for you, Sweetie.

Oh LOOK!!! A POLL!!!!
 

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Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Chorister – Amusing. Very amusing dear. You wonderfully fulfilled the requirements set out by Bel. However, your appeal didn’t feel perhaps, quite as desperate as it could have been – you trod well within the guidelines. Still, it was a brilliant try

LATA - *applauds* That was fabulous. A real tear-jerking start, together with a request that would have shipmates leaping to post, both to help you, and to (regrettably) show off. You even added a beautiful little rider that people needn’t do any research for you – thereby sliding through the ruling of no homework/research. I liked it petal, well done.

Kiwi – You’ve produced a great example of a real community thread here. Don’t be ashamed about asking for help and support with this problem honey, I’d give you 3/3 if Bel would let the judges award marks, still. Although, I might take a mark away for what sounded to me, suspiciously like innuendo in certain parts of your post.

Sine – I get the sense, poppet, that your heart is no longer in this, and you’re not wanting to win, or even compete much longer. Which would be sad. Don’t get me wrong; you’ve produced a good enough post. But we all know that good enough is the enemy of best, don’t we, honeybunch? Perhaps you’ll recover in later rounds, assuming you make it through the cut.

Vikki – You’ve really been studying threads in AS, haven’t you? A fantastic example of a pseudo-discussion, begging for help, ideas, and prayers. You should have the punters queuing up to post their suggestions. Well done hon. This is (in my opinion) the best post of the round.

Rossweisse – Y’know dear, no one likes a smart-arse. Post-modernist types might rave about you creating a new paradigm with your post about what you should post, but the rest of us all know that you were just trying to outdo Sine’s entry last round. Which is a shame, because you posting on your own strengths has been of a high and consistent quality over the last few rounds; why deviate from this, darling?

Sarkycow, judge
 

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Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
Sorry, Sarkycow. I was sick and tired (both quite literally), and I felt guilty over holding things up. (I could hear Chorister tapping her foot from here.) It was not my intent to be a smart-arse OR to create a new paradigm, and certainly not to imitate anyone else.

Rossweisse

[typo]

[ 09. February 2005, 00:54: Message edited by: Rossweisse ]
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sarkycow:
Vikki – Well done hon. This is (in my opinion) the best post of the round.

---

Here! Here!

It tugged at my heart-strings. Pathos, yet not bathos. I tried to vote for Vikki twice but it wouldn't let me, so I went ahead and voted for myself also out of habit.
 

---

Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rossweisse:
Sorry, Sarkycow. I was sick and tired (both quite literally), and I felt guilty over holding things up. (I could hear Chorister tapping her foot from here.) It was not my intent to be a smart-arse OR to create a new paradigm, and certainly not to imitate anyone else.

Rossweisse

---

Then I'm very sorry for mis-interpreting your action my dear. I did wonder what had gotten in to you, as your previous entries have been good, solid and amusing entries, fulfilling all the guidelines and always giving just a little extra. They've been a joy to read. Hopefully you'll make it through to the next round, and then have more time and energy to spend on our little competition

Sarkycow, judge
 

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Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sarkycow:
Vikki – Well done hon. This is (in my opinion) the best post of the round.

---

Here! Here!

It tugged at my heart-strings. Pathos, yet not bathos. I tried to vote for Vikki twice but it wouldn't let me, so I went ahead and voted for myself also out of habit.

---

Well we can die happy, knowing we each had at least two votes, then.

Aw Ross, I liked yours! it was amazing you posted at all, under the circumstances. (Are you both improving, BTW?)

[ 09. February 2005, 15:45: Message edited by: Vikki Pollard ]
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Ooops, I was trying to make it easier for you Rossweisse, to say you'd almost got a post without having to spend ages thinking of one. And now I've got you into trouble.

Chorister ties foot to ground - to stop uncontrollable tapping - and ties mouth shut - to avoid insertion of foot......

[edited because I can't spell Rossweisse]

[ 09. February 2005, 15:56: Message edited by: Chorister ]
 

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Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
Thank you, Sarky, Vikki and Chorister. I am sorry to have fallen below my usual standard, and hope I will survive to try once more under happier circs.

We are indeed better -- the Junior Child is no longer upchucky, the Spousal Unit has his sense of humor back (and gets his drain removed tomorrow, ewww), the Mater is practically perky, and I have my appetite back. (Just in time for Lent!) And I thank you all for your concern and your kindness.

Rossweisse // don't worry -- nobody else can spell it either...
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
The poll results have been archived.

We regret to announce that Rossweisse lost this round.

In the remaining rounds, Voters will be only be able to choose one Contestant.

ROUND 7: MYSTERY WORSHIPPER REPORTS

In this round, each contestant must create a fictional Mystery Worshipper Report of a Multifaith Service--one faith Liturgical Protestant, the other(s) not.

We are pleased to welcome Guest Commentator Siegfried to these proceedings.

[ 12. February 2005, 23:24: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
At least I didn't cheat.
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
"No good deed goes unpunished."
--Clare Boothe Luce
 

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Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
Dear Clare had that one right.
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Mystery Worshipper: Chorister

The Church: The Worldwide Centre for Revival Portacabin (Dubious Ministries™)

Denomination: Protesting Protestant

The building: As the picture shows there is room for improvement, but nothing a fresh lick of paint and a council skip will not remedy.
The inside is cosy and friendly, 1970s plastic chairs with rainbow coloured paint splashes.

The neighbourhood: a rather dubious area of downtown Exeter.

The cast: The Reverend Geraldine Grainger and Rabbi Lionel Blue.

What was the name of the service: Judaeo-Christian Multifaith Worship for Passovertide.

How full was the building? There were five people in the building and it was more than full.

Did anyone welcome you personally? The Reverend Geraldine offered me a tub of kosher icecream as I walked in.

Was your pew comfortable? As comfortable as it is possible to be on a broken plastic chair. I'm not entirely sure that the paint was fully dry.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere? Rather noisy slurping.

What were the exact opening words of the service? Welcome to our Portacabin. Please dispose of your carton in an environmentally friendly manner.

What books did the congregation use during the service? No books, we each had an interactive laptop and earphones. At the end of every page was a 'click here' arrow, which you had to click when you heard a beep.

What musical instruments were played? Sibelius. The music was an electronic rendition of 'Jubilate Everybody' followed by 'You shall go out with joy and be led forth in peace'.

Did anything distract you? Nope - World War 3 could break out when I'm wired up to my PC and I wouldn't notice.

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy or what? The worship was conducted in total silence - we each sat with our headphones on, clicking our interactive buttons in time to the increasing pace of the music.

Exactly how long was the sermon? as long as it took you to read it. I'm good at skimming and scanning, so it took me 3 minutes.

On a scale of 1-10 how good was the preacher? 8 Not as good as the ice cream but pretty impressive. I'd rather read a computerised sermon than listen to a real life preacher anyday.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
The computer screen invited me to consider
the notorious BCP Third Collect for Good Friday, which asked God to:
Have mercy upon all Jews, Turks, Infidels, and Hereticks, and take from all them all ignorance, hardness of heart, and contempt of thy word; and so fetch them home, blessed Lord, to thy flock, that they may be saved among the remnant of the true Israelites, and be made one fold under one shepherd, Jesus Christ our Lord.
I clicked on the prayer and a picture came on the screen of Geraldine chasing Lionel along the Exeter canal with a heavy metal cross and a copy of the New Testament in her hand. An unlikely picture, as everyone knows Geraldine has eaten too much ice-cream to run fast.
Then a second prayer came into view:
Lord of all creation, we stand in awe before You, impelled by visions of the harmony of man. We are children of many traditions – inheritors of shared wisdom and tragic misunderstandings, of proud hopes and humble successes. Now it is time for us to meet – in memory and truth, in courage and trust, in love and promise.
In that which we share, let us see the common prayer of humanity; in that in which we differ, let us wonder at the freedom of man; in our unity and our differences, let us know the uniqueness that is God.
May our courage match our convictions, and our integrity match our hope.
May our faith in You bring us closer to each other.
May our meeting with past and present bring blessing for the future. Amen.
(from Forms of Prayer, Reform Synagogues of Great Britain)
I clicked on the prayer and it came up with a picture of Geraldine and Lionel hugging each other. I think I got the point.

Which part of the service was like being in heaven? Watching the chase scene.

And which part was like being in.... er.... the other place? Discovering that the paint on the chairs really wasn't dry.

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost? It's rather hard to look lost in a miniscule portacabin chocablock with 5 people. However, I pretended to search for my lost ice-cream spoon and Lionel came to the rescue. He gave me a lovely recipe for fruit sorbet ice-cream to take home with me.

How would you describe the after-service coffee? There was none, but I was offered a second tub.

How would you feel about making this church your regular place of worship? 5 I'd never fit through the door after eating all that ice-cream. And it would be rather expensive on my clothes. However, the interactive computer worship suits my one-click lifestyle.

Did the service make you glad to be a Christian? Actually it made me wonder whether to convert to Judaism. But it made me appreciate the common ground between the religions and the need to respect each other, not attack each other. (If I was a Jew and Geraldine came after me with a heavy metal cross, I'd be terrified!)

What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time? The ice-cream.
 

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Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
Mystery Worshipper: Kiwigoldfish

The church: Bottomsthorp Lutheran Church

Denomination: Lutheran

The building: A very traditional-looking stone church with magnificent stained glass windows, and heavy oak doors. Inside you could see that the decoration and layout had once been magnificent, but was now looking more than a little tired. The toilets were in a separate building (across a muddy path.)

The church: Bottomsthorp Lutheran consists of a dozen or so senior citizens, fervently devout in their use of the traditional liturgy. They have a good reputation amongst Bottomsthorp for their scones.
It was a combined service with Christian Outreach for Bottomsthorp - a trendy Pentecostal Church for country folk who want to pretend that they are city folk. They have a great reputation for their white teeth.

The neighbourhood: Bottomsthorp is a 4 pub town in Wairarapa, New Zealand. The community centres around farming (and alcohol, in good Kiwi tradition.)

The cast: Reverend Joel Stubbs (Lutheran) and Pastor Danny Franks (Pentecostal.)

What was the name of the service?
United Love for Bottomsthorp

How full was the building?
Including sheep dogs, there were 45 members of the congregation.

Did anyone welcome you personally?
Initially one of the sheep dogs sniffed my backside. Then, as I entered the church an usher asked me if I was with the Lutherans or the Pentecostals. When I explained that I was neither, but just visiting, he got very flustered. It appeared he didn't know which side of the church to seat me in. I helped him make up his mind by choosing to sit with my friend, the dog. (Who was a Pentecostal.)

Was your pew comfortable?
No, it was a lovely looking rimu affair, but with no cushioning whatsoever. And there was chewing gum stuck where I sat.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
Quietly tense. There was no interaction between the two rows of seats, and I was eyed suspiciously by those on my pew.

What were the exact opening words of the service?
"Isn't it wonderful to come together in unity?"

What books did the congregation use during the service?
Over in the Lutheran pews it looked like they had some particular prayer book, I couldn't make out exactly which one. But they were definitely following one of the services in it. The Pentecostal pew-dwellers had burnt the books in our rows, and were encouraging us all to sing in tongues.

What musical instruments were played?
A grand old pipe organ and an electric guitar and drums. Curious blend really.

Did anything distract you?
The dog sniffing my bum during the worship. And the fact that the two halves of the congregation seemed to be singing different songs much of the time.

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?
Yes. Deeply liturgical on one side. (I really wanted to cross sides, but the usher had strung ropes down the aisle when the service started.) Happy clappy on the other side.

Exactly how long was the sermon?
47 minutes. The first 11 minutes were from the Lutheran Pastor (Rev. Stubbs) and the next 36 minutes were from Pastor Danny.

On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher?
Rev. Stubbs = 1 (It's hard to believe a sermon on unity when the preacher hisses every time he looks at the co-preacher.)
Pastor Danny = 1 (unless the criteria for good preaching is closing your eyes, sweating and banging the lecturn as you shouted about what things were an abomination, in which case I'd give him a 12.)

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
Unity. I think.
Rev. Stubbs talked about how God could even love people who do weird things and raise their hands during a service. Pastor Danny talked about how God could even love people who used demonic symbols and books in their worship. But both spoke about how this love meant that these sinners should repent.
Basically it went "God loves you, so stop what you are doing otherwise He'll burn you forever. Because He loves you."

Which part of the service was like being in heaven?
The 4 seconds of silence before it started.

And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
Probably when the ministry team from the Pentecostals tried to cast the demons out of the candle-bearers.
Or possibly when Rev. Stubbs emptied the contents of the font over Pastor Danny's head.
And the handshake and manly hug between the preachers at the end definitely needed work.

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
I got locked in as everyone raced out and raced home.

How would you describe the after-service coffee?
Non-existant. I've searched the building and the best I could come up with was a couple of Oxo cubes in holy water.

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
0. Especially when they find what I had to do in the eastern corner.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
Er, no.

What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time?
In seven days time my main response will be relief to have been let out when they unlock the church again for next week's sermon.
 

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Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 
Mystery Worshipper: Left at the Altar

The Church: Owing to the number of attendees, the service was held at a basketball stadium in Melbourne.

Denomination: A multi-faith service, led by the Anglican Church, but also involving The Church of Latter Day Saints, Jehovah’s Witness and Hare Krishna parishioners and preachers.

The Building: A magnificent stadium, recently refurbished in preparation for the coming Commonwealth Games. Wonderful court surface and excellent seating.

The neighbourhood: The basketball stadium is located in a sporting precinct. It is leafy and well served in terms of parking and public transport.

The Cast: Bishop Robert Ramsbottom (Anglican), Rev. Virgil D. Smith III (Latter Day Saints), Rev. Clifford Peach (HW) and Bharvakenta Sijita (HK)

What was the name of the service? Understanding and Compassion across Faiths.

How full was the building? Packed to capacity. Organisers estimated that there were some 1500 Hare Krishnas, 550 Jehovah’s witnesses, 2000 Mormons and at least 100 Anglicans.

Did anyone welcome you personally? Not so much welcome, as try to sell me a Watchtower magazine. It has to be said that the Jehovah’s Witnesses led the welcoming charge.

Was your pew comfortable? As far as seating in sports venues goes, it was quite comfortable. I certainly had a good view of proceedings and it was all beamed up to a giant screen above the stage erected for the event.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere? Electric. There was a real buzz of anticipation from all concerned and I detected a thrill at the thought that such a varied group of people were coming together to celebrate the common points in their faiths.

What were the exact opening words of the service? “In the name of the … Good Lord! Cynthia, what in the world are you wearing?!” This, apparently, was not the intended opening. The Bishop had, upon standing to open the service, noticed his wife dressed in full Hare Krishna regalia. She responded with, “It’s no good, Robert. I’m done with all that stuffy old High Church stuff. I’ve been needing to find myself, and I’ve found myself in Krishna.” At this point, the Hare Krishna congregation burst into song and bell-clanging and tambourine-rattling. It was some minutes before the Bishop regained his composure and opened in the more traditional Anglican fashion.

What books did the congregation use during the service? Watchtower, Book of the Mormon, King James Bible, Bhagavad-gida.

What musical instruments were played? It had been intended to have an organ (brought in especially) for the traditional hymns and to accompany the huge Mormon Tabernacle choir, followed by those chinky-chinky-rattle-rattle instruments that Hare Krishnas use for chanting and dancing. However, proceedings did not go to plan and there was no music, as such.

Did anything distract you? Yes. Quite a lot actually.

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what? There was a lot of unhappy hitty and a bit of stiff-upper-lip bitey.

Exactly how long was the sermon? 3.5 minutes. It was cut short.

On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher? Well, he certainly reached out to some members of the congregation and had everyone out of their seats and swinging their arms. So I give him 10.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about? We had been led to believe that it would be about peace and understanding between peoples of various faiths and the fundamental similarities between them. However, the Bishop evidently had a change of heart, and launched into a sermon about wifely obedience, quoting Titus 2:5 and calling on all wives "To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed".

This led to much eye-rolling from his wife, who declared, “I’ve heard enough of this!” and made for the side of the building, where the Mormon congregation had parked their bicycles, took a bike and headed for the exit. As she did, the Bishop leapt from the stage and ran to another bike, taking off in hot pursuit.

At this point, an Elder (by the name of Floyd) from the Mormon congregation stood and shouted, “Hey! That’s my bike, buddy!” and ran toward the Bishop, crash-tackling him, and the bike, to the floor. The organist, a Mrs Betty Snodgrass, then leapt off the stage and ran to the assistance of the Bishop, delivering a solid bite to the arm of Elder Floyd, before being head-butted to unconsciousness by a Hare Krishna woman, apparently seeking to ensure the safe get-away of Cynthia. The Bishop then launched into what can only be described as a full-blown assault on both Elder Floyd and the Hare Krishna woman.

The Krishnas (who, after all, are the skinheads of the religious world) were having none of that and commenced head-butting and eye-gouging anyone and everyone. The Mormon choir then joined the brawl, taking pot-shots at any Anglicans and Krishnas they could find, before police intervened.

What part of the service was like being in Heaven? Not much of it. The Jehovah’s Witnesses (who showed tremendous forbearance by not engaging in the brawl) were loudly proclaiming throughout proceedings that no one else in the room would ever enter Heaven (which, I must say, held some sway with me, given the fracas that all other faiths were engaged in and the fact that their images of Heaven – represented on the Watchtower Magazines that they were attempting to sell – showed blissful bucolic scenes of gambolling lambs, docile lions and happy 1950s style families, rather than brawling bishops, crash-tackling Mormons and head-butting Krishnas). However, if Heaven is anything like the scene that unfolded, it will be quite entertaining.

And which part was like being in … er … the other place? With all the action, the room heated up a lot, to the point of being almost unbearably hot. I understand that Hell is a little like that.

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost? I was taken by police to the nearest station, and asked to provide a statement.

How would you describe the after-service coffee? Typical police-issue. Bitter and cheap. It really needed to add a lot of sugar before it was drinkable.

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)? I plan to go to the stadium to watch a few basketball matches, but I think attending anymore inter-faith services there poses a risk to life and limb. So, 0.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian? There was no doubt that the Anglicans showed superior power on the day. The Bishop (whom it was later revealed had once run a boxing club for a youth group) demonstrated fighting excellence, with good blocking, fine jabs and a left hook that defied belief. His cycling skills were also evident and, had he not been crash tackled by Elder Floyd, would almost certainly have caught up with his wife, despite the 30 second head-start she had on him. A fine all-round performance from the Anglicans. The Mormons fought fairly and the Jehovah’s Witnesses did not fight at all. As for the Hare Krishnas, head-butting and eye-gouging are unacceptable, even at such an event as this. So yes, I’m glad I was on the Christian side.

What one thing will you remember about this in seven days’ time?
The bloodied chunk of Elder Floyd’s arm that Mrs Snodgrass extracted with her teeth was memorable. If I start to forget anything about the service, I have my copy of the statement I gave to police to refer to.
 

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Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
Mystery Worshipper: Voltaire

The church: Anglican Chaplaincy Centre, Condom, France. My camera had broken, unfortunately, but here is A FLAVOUR OF CONDOM (Apparently Armagnac...)

Denomination: Anglican but welcomes anyone who wishes to worship in English.

The building: The building is a Montessori School which is transformed into a place of worship by a small but dedicated group from the congregation every week. This involves a human chain passing altar, frontals, chalice and extra chairs down the steps up to the attic.

The church: There were 33 different denominations/faiths in today’s congregation, including 3 Muslims who’d lost their way to Paris, a Jewish couple there for the first time, some locals who wish to improve their English, and a Jain family from Oldham but working in Condom for the next two years. Apparently most of the congregation are Anglican/RC but services are tailored to cater for every taste, which led to some interesting anomalies.

The cast: Rev’d Stephen ‘Sparky’ Sparks, Gloria Hunningford-Watts (Reader), various children from Sunday School, The Couple Who Arrived Late (unintentional but memorable participants).

What was the name of the service?
’Annual ‘Let there be Love’ Valentine’s Family Service – with Add-On Communion!!’ (Exclamation marks theirs – or rather, Sparky’s).

How full was the building?
The building was fuller than an overflowing overflow carpark on the last Saturday before Christmas. It was well-nigh impossible to sit down but when I finally did so, I was wedged between two Serious Garlic Lovers.

Did anyone welcome you personally?
Not knowing the town, I arrived half an hour early. I was made extremely welcome – I think the exact words were, “Can you grab that box? It’s got the wafers in.” Before long I felt as though I’d known people for years, as we worked to transform the building into a church for the morning. Nobody actually asked who I was until the last chair had been brought down, but they all seemed pleased I was there. The residual smell of sweat under my arms was a small price to pay for such a ‘hands-on’ experience.

Was your pew comfortable?
Standard-issue plastic chairs didn’t make for the most comfortable seating, but Sparky didn’t leave us sitting for too long at any point.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
A buzz of friendly chat in several languages. Lots of people caught my eye and smiled, except the person who saw me get the last chair, but even they made some (I assume) Middle Eastern gesture of peace in my direction. I felt quite proud of my whispered ‘Shalom mon ami!” in reply. There was a sense of expectation in the room and a surprisingly holy feel to the place once it was set up as a church. Sparky greeted most people with a hearty handshake and a broad grin – they seem to love him.


What were the exact opening words of the service?
”Bonjour a toutes et a tous – Good Morning to you all!”

What books did the congregation use during the service?
An in-house Family Service booklet with notes in French and explanatory pictures. Songs were on an overhead screen at the front.

What musical instruments were played?
Clavinova, flute and sixteen different percussion instruments which Sunday School had made the week before. Oh, and Sparky on his acoustic guitar.

Did anything distract you?
The Couple Who Arrived Late. Their arrival was announced by the revving of a powerful sports car outside, which made the congregation turn and stare, and as they walked in they were talking in loud stage whispers. By Sparky’s smile, I assume they were known to him. As they walked into church the woman said, “Oh MATT darling, what a thing, worshipping in Condom – not terribly RC!” and went into peals of laughter. The man was a little embarrassed by this and hissed, “Shut UP Lillian, they’ve started!” which only led to barely-restrained guffaws.

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?
The worship was a truly wonderful blend of a couple of good old Anglican hymns sung with gusto (one at the start, one at the end), some quiet Taize chants, a few children’s choruses (led by Sparky on guitar) and some traditional Jewish songs. Gloria and the children led the prayers, which they did reverently, some in French and some in English. During the Jewish songs, a small dance group performed a circle dance.

Exactly how long was the sermon?
8 minutes, 11:38 seconds.

On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher?
11. I was dubious at first about his visual aid (a Sacred Heart hidden in a giant Valentine’s card) but it certainly captured everyone’s imagination. The children were attentive and responded to his questions, and he managed to speak to everyone about God’s love transcending our human faith barriers.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
’God’s Giant Love For Us’. Sparky talked about the possible highs and lows of human relationships, the excitement (or not) of receiving a Valentine’s card, and how God’s love is always there and is greater than anything we could ever imagine.

Which part of the service was like being in heaven?
The Taize chants. To hear (and join in) all those different faiths and nationalities expressing quiet but powerful praise for the One God was an unforgettable experience. Realising at the end of the service that I had been worshipping on the same row as a small poodle, and hadn’t even noticed as it was sitting reverently on a small travel-rug. Someone told me it stands for the Gloria but I never noticed.

And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
A brief Communion Service took place at the end of the service for those who wished to stay for it, but there was a general scrum at the back of the room which made it a less than spiritual experience. I have to admit, it was worth it for the moment when Lillian glanced at the Cup (white wine used – not quite sure why) and hissed, “I want BLOOD, not PLASMA!”

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
I was asked to take the other end of the Clavinova keyboard and help to carry it upstairs.

How would you describe the after-service coffee?
Choice of coffee, tea, squash or ‘Coupe d’Amitie’ (a glass of wine) – and heart-shaped pancakes made and brought by various people and microwaved to order. They were delicious.

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
10 – except I live in a different country.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
Yes.

What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time?
Lillian’s ‘blood not plasma’ remark. It was a classic.
 

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Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
C'mon Sine; it goes "Ctrl-C" then "Ctrl-V"
 

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Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 
Kiwi, you forgot "Select All".
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Damn it, people! Do you think I copy just any old thing? It takes time and thought. I'm going to do it tonight (Tuesday).

[I have to find where I put my copy of the "Sweet Precious Daddy" thread.]

[ 15. February 2005, 11:08: Message edited by: Sine Nomine ]
 

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Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Come on Sine, your adoring fans are waiting with baited breath!
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
I'm thinking "Sweet Precious Daddy" meets Pontifical Mass.
 

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Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
This should be a good one!
 

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Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
O Sine! Which of us shall I vote for?

So much depends on this post you're planning. But as I'd never read Mystery Worshipper until yesterday I think you'll be safe in the knowledge that I shan't spot any plagiarism.


 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Mystery Worshipper: Sine Nomine

The church: St. Withit-on-the-Corner

Denomination: Episcopalian, United Methodist, Non-Denominational

The building: A recently built/remodeled multi-purpose worship space that replaced a Victorian building the congregation and rector felt was "too hierarchical".

The church: It was the combined congregations of St. Withit (Episcopal), Geriatric United Methodist (Methodist) and Stonewall Church (charismatic transvestites and transexuals; they use space at St. Withit.)

The cast: The Reverend Petunia Pushy, St. Withit; Pastor Wesley John, Geriatric Methodist; Brother/Sister (it was hard to tell) Dusty Rhodes, Stonewall Church

What was the name of the service? Alternative Eucharist for Neighborhood Unity

How full was the building? The worship space looked like it holds about 150 chairs. I’d say it was about half full. Or half empty, depending how you look at things.

Did anyone welcome you personally? Yes. A dead ringer for Bette Davis. I’m not sure if she (?) was a member of the Stonewall Church or Geriatric Methodist. She (?) handed me a service bulletin and said "It’s going to be a bumpy night." (It was an evening service.)

Was your pew comfortable? No pews. Pews are hierarchical and un-multi-purpose, doncha know. Chairs. Plastic chairs. Not the worst plastic chairs I’ve ever sat it, but I can’t say they looked very comfortable for some of the broader (not liturgically) members of the congo.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere? Depended where you looked. There was a group I assumed to be St. Withit regulars who were whispering to each other from behind their service bulletins and rolling their eyeballs. A group consisting mostly of women and a few hen-pecked looking older men I assumed were Geriatric Methodists were talking loudly and drinking coffee. Up front by the stage, I mean the chancel, were a bunch of drag queens (I hope) in cheap satin and wearing black mantillas who were checking their make-up with hand mirrors and shrieking "Oh, girl!" every so often.


What were the exact opening words of the service? Either "Oh, girl" or "Welcome to St. Withit", depending on where you were sitting.

What books did the congregation use during the service? No books. It was all in the printed order of service, bulletin thingy we were given upon arriving. The cover was a drawing of stick people in a circle holding hands, apparently done by the rector of St. Withit’s four year old child.


What musical instruments were played? Grand piano and Boom box.


Did anything distract you? Yes. A hang-nail on my right index finger. Jeez. Think about what you’re asking!!! What wasn’t a distraction? I guess my biggest distraction was trying to figure out if "Bette Davis" was a man or a Methodist.

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what? Definitely "Or What". Or "All of the above." It was certainly trying to be all things to all people. The opening hymn was "All Creatures of Our God and King"; then "In the Garden" for the Methodists, I guess; and "I Will Survive" was the closing hymn. And very rousing it was too. The Service Music was the Willan, but with the added attraction of a chorus of drag queens "signing" it. I almost went up and tipped them a dollar after the Sanctus. Particularly after one of slapped the floor at "Blessed is the one".

Exactly how long was the sermon? 12 minutes.

On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher? Uhm…I don’t know. The Reverend Pushy preached. It was all about how we all had to stick together and reach out to the less fortunate and the excluded. That as Christians we had more in common then separated us. Then there was a long digression about how hateful so-called Christians who were against gay marriage were, which provoked an outburst of cheering and feather boa waving from the Stonewall contingent, pained looks of outrage from the Methodists and boredom from the Episcopalians. So lets just average it out and call it a "5".

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about? See above.


Which part of the service was like being in heaven? Oh girlfriend! Some of the outfits were to die for! Oh, you mean "seriously". Well, uhm, I always enjoy "All Creatures of Our God and King". And "I Will Survive" for that matter. Just never had sung them together.

And which part was like being in... er... the other place? A couple of Geriatric Methodists refused to accept the chalice from a Stonewall Church chalice bearer. So much for Neighborhood You-Nee-Tee. Seemed like a metaphor for so much of what goes on in Christ’s Church Inc.

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost? I had to duck into the men’s room, at which point I found out that "Bette Davis" was not in fact a Methodist lady. Indeed I found out a lot more than that. None of which I really wanted to know. Fortunately a rather attractive Episcopalian gentleman also need to take a leak and we managed to strike up a conversation. He was very friendly. I was impressed. He asked if I’d like to be "filled with the spirit". And they say Episcopalians don’t do evangelism.

How would you describe the after-service coffee? That was also "Heavenly". Say what you will, Methodists, Episcopalians and drag queen/transexuals sure can put on a spread. Yum Yum. My new friend and I managed to eat ourselves silly before departing to see his collection of BCPs at his apartment.

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)? It was at least a 10. Oh yes. At least a 10. I was ecstatic.


Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian? I was certainly glad I went, but actually it was kinda sad. Where do they come up with these things? Is it like the "Trendy Liturgical Idea of the Month" feature in "Preacher Magazine" or something?


What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time?
None of your bee’s wax.
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Well, Sine, that was certainly original.....

(is it just me, or were we supposed to do 'multifaith' rather than 'ecumenical'?)
 

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Posted by Vikki Pollard (# 5548) on :
 
So Sine Honey, 'multifaith'. Is it the Methodists or the trannies who aren't Christians?

(Love the 'bumpy ride' bit. Others can tell me whether you used the Control Key but I suspect not!)
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :