Ship of Fools: Hell: Blasphemous erections

Thread: Hell: Blasphemous erections Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

This is completely unconscionable. I'm a trusting sort and maintain a certain level of respect for the drug companies who sink millions of their hard-earned corporate dollars into cures for the serious ailments of mankind. Untold multitudes of suffering humans have had their life threatening diseases cured by the selfless generosity and altruism of those corporate giants.

My good will has come to an end. I'm an aging 55 year-old and as some might expect, my libido recently has taken (how should I say?) a vacation. Once a vigorous example of hard-charging American manhood, I've found myself lately in the awkward and unenviable position of shooting pool with a rope.

"Not to worry", say I. Modern medicine has the cure for everything. A simple little blue pill called "Viagra" will put the wood back in my pencil. Before you can say, "Salma Hayek", I'll be back in the fast lane. Little did I know the horror and embarrassment awaiting me. Sure there are warnings on the label...but who reads that? You pop your pill..you expect results.

I got results, alright. It looked like a baby's arm holding an apple. I felt like I had one of those reciprocating concrete drills attached to my pelvis. What a freak show! I could have pole-vaulted with the thing and not used my hands... and the worst thing was...it wouldn't go away!! Hours went by and still it taunted me. I couldn't sleep... it was impossible to roll over; a motorcycle with the kickstand down! Eventually, I propped myself in a corner standing up like a three-legged milking stool and wearily fell asleep.

It's insane. I should have known better. Damned drug companies taking advantage of elderly trust. If they hadn't printed their warnings in microscopic print, this would never have happened. I've sworn off sex forever. Who needs this kind of nightmare for a little roll in the hay? The miserable bastards. I hope they get a taste of their own medicine.

[ 07. June 2005, 14:58: Message edited by: Sarkycow ]

Posted by Back-to-Front (# 5638) on :

You need to go to your nearest church that offers proper Mass (none of this holy communion business), nick a Host and shove it up your arse.

This should solve your problem.

Alternatively, if you can make it to the Vatican, nick one that the new pope has consecrated, and if you can wait a few years till he pops his clogs, flog it on ebay and then you can pay for some sort of remote-controlled or voice-activated mechanism to be fitted to your wotsnot, and you can just control it that way.

Posted by Kepler's Puppet (# 4011) on :

Could you take half a pill next time?

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
and the worst thing was...it wouldn't go away!! Hours went by and still it taunted me. I couldn't sleep... it was impossible to roll over; a motorcycle with the kickstand down!

What is it they say on the commercials? If your erection lasts for more than four hours, see a doctor? It probably says on the fine print you didn't read. [Big Grin]

Posted by Pânts (# 4487) on :

Surely you can find some good 'alternative' uses for it?

Posted by anglicanrascal (# 3412) on :

Ahhhh - so THAT is what caused a certain number of bizarre posts on the "Blasphemous desecration" thread ... and we all thought it was alcohol! [Killing me]

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :

Serves you right for buying it via a link in your inbox.

Posted by Duo Seraphim (# 3251) on :

quote:
Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
Serves you right for buying it via a link in your inbox.

Yes they're dangerous, those links - but I didn't realise they were responsible for priapism too.

Posted by Emma. (# 3571) on :

But er..... did she get a good time ??

*curious minds and all that*

Posted by Matrix (# 3452) on :

we really are missing T'n'T this year huh?

Posted by Saint Chad (# 5645) on :

I thought this was going to be a thread about modern church buildings.

Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Saint Chad:
I thought this was going to be a thread about modern church buildings.

So did I, until I saw who started it...

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Emma.:
But er..... did she get a good time ??

*curious minds and all that*

He hasn't said anything about a partner in his OP.

Posted by Og: Thread Killer (# 3200) on :

So, we is watching Docter Who last night, and up pops a Viagra commerical. With guys saying something, supposedly about sex, censored behind a Viagra pill.

Now how exactly, during what is supposed to be a show that both kids and adults can enjoy, are parents to explain this to their 9 year olds?

How is one to explain:

1. Viagra

2. Censorship

3. Sex talk

during a comerical break?

Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :

You watch the commercial breaks? [Eek!]

Isn't that when you get another drink, or go to the loo, or whatever?

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

What I want to know is:

1.) Can it be consecrated?

2.) If so, Can 103 be forced to eat it?

3.) Must I wear a dog-collar while offering it up?

4.) If 103 sneaks it out in his back pocket and later makes a huge profit on Ebay, will all the simpering idiots on that other thread piss and moan for 23 pages on this one too?

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :

Dude, I am laughing my ass off here. That is SO funny, and mostly just cos its you.

How is Mrs Gort?

P

Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :

quote:
Originally posted by anglicanrascal:
Ahhhh - so THAT is what caused a certain number of bizarre posts on the "Blasphemous desecration" thread ... and we all thought it was alcohol!

I'll admit I was fooled!

Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :

Commercials during Doctor Who? Now that is blasphemous.

I am so grateful for TV channels that don't have adverts!

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Back-to-Front:
You need to go to your nearest church that offers proper Mass (none of this holy communion business), nick a Host and shove it up your arse.

Maybe you should put your Back-to-my-Front and help work this problem out.

Posted by Pânts (# 4487) on :

I'm still waiting for the answer to Emmas question!

Posted by Emma. (# 3571) on :

indeed - inquiring minds need to know - before the thread dies!

Or were you just test driving it? (in the Uk we dont get the viagra commercials, so I really dont know much about the stuff... really, like HOURS?!?!?! wouldnt the bloke get a bit frustrated if he cant come until a few hours? is it fun for him?!?! inquiring minds...>)

Posted by The Bede's American Successor (# 5042) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
This is completely unconscionable.

I thought this was going to be a discussion of St. Augustine. So disappointing.

Posted by BuzzyBee (# 3283) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gill H:
Commercials during Doctor Who? Now that is blasphemous.

I am so grateful for TV channels that don't have adverts!

While I'd normally agree, I think Dr Who would benefit from commercial breaks. The repeats on UKTV Gold certainly do as they shove in a commercial break at every tense moment or cliff hanger. The new series which is being shown as single episode stories without breaks on the BBC is suffering because of the lack of tension because everything has to be resolved within 45 minutes without any nail-biting "get back to the story we need to know what happens next" which you might get with ad-breaks.

Posted by Lurker McLurker™ (# 1384) on :

quote:
Originally posted by The Bede's American Successor:

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
This is completely unconscionable.
I thought this was going to be a discussion of St. Augustine. So disappointing.

Surely Origen would be a more relevant person to discuss given the title.

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

Gort swore off sex not ...bits. [Eek!]

Posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep (# 5267) on :

Ah, for the first time in a long while, a thread title that lives up to the content.

And if you go lie down in San Francisco with it sticking up in the air, it will no longer be blasphemous, but a holy relic for millions.

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Emma.:
indeed - inquiring minds need to know - before the thread dies! ...

No woman could suffer the enormity of the problem and live to tell about it.

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

Buddy, the day your libido takes a vacation is the day cats around the world take up syncronized swimming.

Posted by Jim Diariaze (# 7227) on :

Gort, I am SOOOOO happy to NOT be you at the next shipmeet. By the way, have you noticed that it's always the woman in the commercial that's happy the guy is taking the pill? Now you know why.

Posted by Gambit (# 766) on :

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
If your erection lasts for more than four hours, see a doctor?

Sod the doctor. Call the red tops, make a few quid.

[ETA: Only realised after posting that 'red tops' could mean so many things, but left it in anyway. American shipmates who are confused, read 'Tabloid Newspapers']

[ 27. April 2005, 16:21: Message edited by: Gambit ]

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

Thanks, my imagination was running wild...

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

Yes, it sounded to me like he already had a red top. Or purple perhaps.

Posted by Mr Clingford (# 7961) on :

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
Yes, it sounded to me like he already had a red top. Or purple perhaps.

We Sang 'All things Bright and Beautiful' at a christening recently replete with its 'purple-headed mountain' - what larks. Pip Pip!

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:

quote:
Originally posted by Emma.:
indeed - inquiring minds need to know - before the thread dies! ...
No woman could suffer the enormity of the problem and live to tell about it.

Translation: She thought Gort was crap (although how any woman could make such a judgement in just 30 seconds is beyond me.)

Posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep (# 5267) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Jim Diariaze:
Gort, I am SOOOOO happy to NOT be you at the next shipmeet. By the way, have you noticed that it's always the woman in the commercial that's happy the guy is taking the pill? Now you know why.

There's a commercial here with 'Bob' who's got this giant rictus of a grin. It always makes me cringe and wonder if that's one of the side effects.

Posted by Back-to-Front (# 5638) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:

quote:
Originally posted by Back-to-Front:
You need to go to your nearest church that offers proper Mass (none of this holy communion business), nick a Host and shove it up your arse.
Maybe you should put your Back-to-my-Front and help work this problem out.

Gladly.

I don't want you slipping out mid-way through though, and if you have a piercing, please remove it first.

Oh, and Mrs Gort is more then welcome to watch if she so desires..

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Buddy, the day your libido takes a vacation is the day cats around the world take up syncronized swimming.

They have been known to take up synchronized caterwauling outside my bedroom window...not sure why, though. It sounds like a mournful tune of lament for my sad condition.

Posted by ChristinaMarie (# 1013) on :

You could make donut holes with it and send the adjusted donuts to the company, so that they will get a taste of their own medicine. [Two face]

Christina

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

Better find SOME use for it. The day the doctors take it down....it ain't coming back. [Devil]

Posted by ONUnicorn (# 7331) on :

quote:
You could make donut holes with it and send the adjusted donuts to the company, so that they will get a taste of their own medicine.

This reminds me of a truely awful movie that some "friend" of mine subjected a group of us to watching. I don't rember what the movie was called, but a group of young men in the movie made "eclairs" in a similar fashion.

Posted by Go Anne Go (# 3519) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep:

quote:
Originally posted by Jim Diariaze:
Gort, I am SOOOOO happy to NOT be you at the next shipmeet. By the way, have you noticed that it's always the woman in the commercial that's happy the guy is taking the pill? Now you know why.
There's a commercial here with 'Bob' who's got this giant rictus of a grin. It always makes me cringe and wonder if that's one of the side effects.

Is this the same Bob who's just wandering around some party while everyone tries to figure out what's new and improved about him? Bob, did you get a haircut? Did you lose weight, Bob? Did you get a promotion?

Noooooo, Bob's sporting wood, thanks to Viagra. Of course, they never come out and saaaaay "Bob's sporting wood." But really, they just should. They should just say "the only thing that makes men feel like men is a massive erection and that's the only reason a woman like this (show picture of top sexpot model) would ever consider sleeping with a man like this (show average schmo.) is the fact that he's hung like a bear, and it never goes down."

Sheesh. I once dated a guy with a slight problem, and I have to say from the woman's point of view life was never ever better on that front. Wheeeee! If it does happen for all guys sooner or later, then bring. it. on.

Posted by Codepoet (# 5964) on :

Well if I am ever stuck for somewhere to hang my towel I will send you a PM. [Big Grin]

Posted by Back-to-Front (# 5638) on :

quote:
Originally posted by ONUnicorn:

quote:
You could make donut holes with it and send the adjusted donuts to the company, so that they will get a taste of their own medicine.
This reminds me of a truely awful movie that some "friend" of mine subjected a group of us to watching. I don't rember what the movie was called, but a group of young men in the movie made "eclairs" in a similar fashion.

Oooooo! Is it on DVD?

Posted by Duo Seraphim (# 3251) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Back-to-Front:

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:

quote:
Originally posted by Back-to-Front:
You need to go to your nearest church that offers proper Mass (none of this holy communion business), nick a Host and shove it up your arse.
Maybe you should put your Back-to-my-Front and help work this problem out.
Gladly.

I don't want you slipping out mid-way through though, and if you have a piercing, please remove it first.

Oh, and Mrs Gort is more then welcome to watch if she so desires..

This explains the final scene of Pele's ad for Viagra - where he looks up at a cheering football crowd with wild surmise and a dazed grin.

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

Sadly, there hasn't been a Mrs. Gort for 14 years. She ran off with Roto-Rooter man from Redding. My recent misadventure was a failed attempt to get back in the swing-of-things with a bit of trolling.

Posted by Henry Troup (# 3722) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
... The day the doctors take it down....it ain't coming back.

The treatment is intramuscular Valium, if I recall correctly. Only of temporary effect. Untreated priapism can lead to loss of tissue!

Posted by Sacristan (# 3548) on :

Four/five hours. I don't really see a problem here.

Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
Sadly, there hasn't been a Mrs. Gort for 14 years. She ran off with Roto-Rooter man from Redding. My recent misadventure was a failed attempt to get back in the swing-of-things with a bit of trolling.

I don't know what rooting is in the US, but here in Australia it's shagging.

You should get one of those mobile phones that send photos and give her a call to show her your wanger. She'll rue the day she left.

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

Roto-rooter ...and away go troubles down the drain.

Posted by anglicanrascal (# 3412) on :

LATA - you really didn't have to tell the Yanks that one. It certainly added an extra dimension to Gort's tale. [Eek!]

Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :

Gort, I think I got the song reference. 'Last night a plumber stole my wife' or something similar?

Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :

quote:
Originally posted by anglicanrascal:
LATA - you really didn't have to tell the Yanks that one. It certainly added an extra dimension to Gort's tale.

He raised it, not me.

I have a vision of Mrs Gort saying:

"That's it, Mr Gort. I'm leaving you for a Roto-Rooter."

Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
He raised it, not me.

Although he needed pharmaceutical help to do so.

[Code was fishy.]

[ 30. April 2005, 22:48: Message edited by: Sarkycow ]

Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on :

quote:
Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:

quote:
Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
He raised it, not me.
Although he needed pharmaceutical help to do so.

unless you sent the spam [Paranoid]

Posted by Jim Diariaze (# 7227) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
Sadly, there hasn't been a Mrs. Gort for 14 years. She ran off with Roto-Rooter man from Redding. My recent misadventure was a failed attempt to get back in the swing-of-things with a bit of trolling.

Yuk, well, at least you've got a clue what caused this. It wasn't the drug, the body just forgot how to react after all that time.

Posted by Amazing Grace (# 4754) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
What I want to know is:

1.) Can it be consecrated?

2.) If so, Can 103 be forced to eat it?

3.) Must I wear a dog-collar while offering it up?

4.) If 103 sneaks it out in his back pocket and later makes a huge profit on Ebay, will all the simpering idiots on that other thread piss and moan for 23 pages on this one too?

1. Check you-know-where. If it is possible someone will be able to find the correct form for you.

2. You're bigger than he is.

3. That, combined with a couple of notable ship threads past, gives rise to an image that is alternatively hilarious and deeply, deeply disturbing.

4. Anything can happen!

Watch out for those cats, man, they like to swat bouncing things. Do cups come in Third Leg sizes?

Charlotte

Posted by The One and Only Nanny Ogg (# 1176) on :

Gort - have you recovered yet oe are you seeking therapy? [Biased]

Posted by 103 (One-O-Three) (# 5846) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
What I want to know is:

1.) Can it be consecrated?

2.) If so, Can 103 be forced to eat it?

3.) Must I wear a dog-collar while offering it up?

4.) If 103 sneaks it out in his back pocket and later makes a huge profit on Ebay, will all the simpering idiots on that other thread piss and moan for 23 pages on this one too?

1. Nope

2. I'd like to see you try

3. I'm not into sex play - what goes on in your bedroom is none of my business

4. Not a chance because all the simpering idiots from the other thread will agree that Viagra wouldn't be a valid consecration.

-103

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

Yes, Nanny, I've recovered with the helpful advice of my fellow shipmates. A tragic tale which stands as a warning to all those considering casual drug abuse. Equipment failure is something one should accept as part of the natural order of aging. You know, entropy, heat transfer and all.

It's just too bizarre relying on artificial stimulus for something that is such a basic natural act. After all, there are many other methods of expressing erotic love.

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

103:

1.) Why not? Must it be bread?
2.) I'm twice the man you are.
3.) Sex play? I was asking a legitimate question of vestment.
4.) What has that got to do with your profiteering by my horrible experience?

Posted by 103 (One-O-Three) (# 5846) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
103:

1.) Why not? Must it be bread?
2.) I'm twice the man you are.
3.) Sex play? I was asking a legitimate question of vestment.
4.) What has that got to do with your profiteering by my horrible experience?

1. Yes
2. Oh yeah?
3. Of course you were [Biased]

4. I'm not the one who can't keep a stiff wood! It's a drug that hasn't been validly consecrated therefore it would be worthless and wouldn't make any monies on eBay.

-103

Posted by Go Anne Go (# 3519) on :

quote:
Originally posted by 103 (One-O-Three):

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
103:

1.) Why not? Must it be bread?
2.) I'm twice the man you are.
3.) Sex play? I was asking a legitimate question of vestment.
4.) What has that got to do with your profiteering by my horrible experience?
1. Yes
2. Oh yeah?
3. Of course you were
4. I'm not the one who can't keep a stiff wood! It's a drug that hasn't been validly consecrated therefore it would be worthless and wouldn't make any monies on eBay.

-103

Ah, stiff wood. Wasted on youthful virgins. Then again, since he hasn't tried it in action or even in the same room as a naked female, don't start bragging about what you don't know about young 103. You could be in for some good old fashioned smiting, and sympathy from here on the board will not be found (although some tape and popsicle sticks may well be mailed to you in the post.)

Posted by Peronel (# 569) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Go Anne Go:
Then again, since he hasn't tried it in action or even in the same room as a naked female, don't start bragging about what you don't know about young 103.

I'm betting he can wank with the best of them, and, unlike some on this thread, can get it up to do so.

[ponders trying to string together a pun involving a wafer and the biscuit game, but decides its too sick even for hell]

Peronel.

Posted by DaisyM (# 9098) on :

FOTFLOL, I was trying to avoid finishing a research paper and so started wandering through hell. Thank you Gort and crew. You have brightened my Sunday afternoon. [Yipee]

Posted by Go Anne Go (# 3519) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Peronel:

quote:
Originally posted by Go Anne Go:
Then again, since he hasn't tried it in action or even in the same room as a naked female, don't start bragging about what you don't know about young 103.
I'm betting he can wank with the best of them, and, unlike some on this thread, can get it up to do so.

[ponders trying to string together a pun involving a wafer and the biscuit game, but decides its too sick even for hell]

Peronel.

103 would never do that - the RCC says he can't! And so consequently no one that righteous would ever dare to defy the church!

Yeah, right.

I just hope his attitude towards women opens up a little bit, or I really do think in the face of a nekkid woman his bits will retreat back into his body forever and a day!

Posted by HopPik (# 8510) on :

Q1.. How long can this thread go on discussing Gort's dick?

Q2.. Are you a photographer Gort? If not, think about it. No need to lug a tripod around.

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

Beware ye heathens! For the Lord hath spoken:

quote:
And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.

Surely, He would be mightily displeased with abuse of the little blue pill. I, for one, have no desire to suffer Onan's punishment. If it be the will of the Lord that I remain flaccid, then flaccid I shall remain.

Posted by John Holding (# 158) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Go Anne Go:

quote:
Originally posted by Peronel:

quote:
Originally posted by Go Anne Go:
Then again, since he hasn't tried it in action or even in the same room as a naked female, don't start bragging about what you don't know about young 103.
I'm betting he can wank with the best of them, and, unlike some on this thread, can get it up to do so.

[ponders trying to string together a pun involving a wafer and the biscuit game, but decides its too sick even for hell]

Peronel.
103 would never do that - the RCC says he can't! And so consequently no one that righteous would ever dare to defy the church!

Yeah, right.

I just hope his attitude towards women opens up a little bit, or I really do think in the face of a nekkid woman his bits will retreat back into his body forever and a day!

Ah but 103's not a member of the RC church yet, and (based on what he's said on other threads) will only feel obliged to follow its teaching once he joins. That's apart from the teachings he wants to follow.

John

Posted by madferret (# 3353) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
It's just too bizarre relying on artificial stimulus for something that is such a basic natural act. After all, there are many other methods of expressing erotic love.

Gort, sometimes the Ship provides Too Much Information™ on certain matters but this account of your experiment has been most interesting!

The "little blue pill" doesn't provide the actual stimulus. It just, errm, sustains it once started. As you have found to your cost! [Eek!]

But there are other, second-generation, medications out there for your condition that have fewer restrictions and different ways of working - perhaps you should take advice on them?

Not that I, errm, know anything about this personally, errm, you understand...

Posted by ONUnicorn (# 7331) on :

Originally posted by Back-to-Front:

quote:

quote:

quote:
You could make donut holes with it and send the adjusted donuts to the company, so that they will get a taste of their own medicine.
This reminds me of a truely awful movie that some "friend" of mine subjected a group of us to watching. I don't rember what the movie was called, but a group of young men in the movie made "eclairs" in a similar fashion.
Oooooo! Is it on DVD?

The movie was "National Lampoon's Van Wilder" and yes, it is on DVD. [Projectile]

Posted by Lumpy da Moose (# 9038) on :

Gort--

"Do not go quietly into that good night . . ." Make a trip to your physician and have a couple blood tests done, especially checking for free testosterone. If it's low, there are patches and gels that can be applied externally that will supplement what your body may still be making. There's a lot to read up on. Do a Google search on andropause and see what info you can find; there's a wealth of it. There are treatments and things that can be done. You do not have to take this lying down (so to speak--). And don't let ANYONE tell you it's all in your mind, because it isn't.

The blue pills are a start, but if there is a next time, try half of one. They are not a permanent solution, either.

Don't ask how I know about these things. (I'll have more info when my package comes from the pharmacy . . .)

Posted by ORGANMEISTER (# 6621) on :

Gort, you note that your problem has been resolved. Did is resolve on it own or did you require medical intervention?

Posted by Go Anne Go (# 3519) on :

I"m guessing it involved a woman in cheap shiny lame named "Goldie"

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

Since I'm being pressed for details and I haven't the inspiration to spin this hideously tangled web further, it's time to confess that I'm a fraud.

I concocted the whole mess from my feverish imagination. Forgive me. The only drugs I take are 80mg of aspirin before bedtime and my daily infusion of transdermal nicotine...and, well, a few shots of single malt.

My parts are all in working order, except for a few remaining neurons that have a problem with short term memory.

I'll just go buff my exoskeleton now.

Posted by Raspberry Rabbit (# 3080) on :

If it's trolling you're doing you should hook the fish first. Unless you think that ye short arm qualifies as bait?

An eighty year old man goes to see the doctor. "Doctor" he says, "I'd like some Viagra". "Sure thing", says the doctor and starts writing out a prescription. "Another thing, Doctor, can you get them to cut each pill into eight portions?". The doctor looks concerns and says "I'm sorry, sir, but an eighth of a Viagra tablet won't be sufficient to give you the sort of erection necessary for sexual intercourse" "Intercourse, Shmintercouse" says the old man. "I'm eighty years old and have great-grandchildren. Why would I want to have intercourse! I just want it to stick out far enough that I don't pee on my shoes any more"

RR

[ 03. May 2005, 13:41: Message edited by: Raspberry Rabbit ]

Posted by Raspberry Rabbit (# 3080) on :

Yeah yeah, Gort, that's what they all say when they've revealed too much. I made it up. It wasn't me. I adopted my neighbour's personal history for a bit of a laugh. See you (or not) at the next shipmeet.

hee hee

RR

Posted by bernina_cat (# 9052) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:

I concocted the whole mess from my feverish imagination.

What?? All made up?
Men are all liars, didn't we just know it.
Just as I was about to ask where you got this particular brand of the magic blue. I should have known, it sounded too perfect to be true.

Posted by 103 (One-O-Three) (# 5846) on :

Yeah - if I had... problems... I wouldn't go posting about it on the net.

Well Gort, these things always come back at you later on in life! It'll be just your luck that you'll wake up one morning and relize that you need the blue pill! And you'll be like the little boy who cried wolf, nobody will believe you!

-103

Posted by Pânts (# 4487) on :

quote:
Originally posted by 103 (One-O-Three):
Yeah - if I had... problems... I wouldn't go posting about it on the net.

-103

Uh... yes you do.

Posted by Go Anne Go (# 3519) on :

quote:
Originally posted by 103 (One-O-Three):
Yeah - if I had... problems... I wouldn't go posting about it on the net.
-103

Honey chile, your problems are ALL posted on the net. One of your biggest problems is the fact that you fail to realize this.

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

quote:
Originally posted by 103 (One-O-Three):
...Well Gort, these things always come back at you later on in life!

You are cruel beyond words, 103. Not every man has the strength and fortitude to overwhelm innocent women like you.

"Eat it! Eat it, NOW!!"

Posted by Go Anne Go (# 3519) on :

Don't forget Gort - it worked for 103. The woman came back and smiled at him, so she must have liked it. Oo, er, missus.

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

Hmmmm... you busy Saturday night? [Snigger]

Posted by Craigmaddie (# 8367) on :

Och, ye probably just need a wee skoosh of WD40, Gortie, and them ladies'll be finding the Earth Standing Still soon enough.

Anyway, on a tangent - any chaps got advice on the best way to have a Jimmy Riddle whilst still tumescent? I've never been able to do a handstand I'm afraid...

Posted by Go Anne Go (# 3519) on :

My understanding is just think of penguins, and you'll be fine.

And Gort, you're really not my type dear.

Posted by Craigmaddie (# 8367) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Go Anne Go:
My understanding is just think of penguins, and you'll be fine.

Not if you were a male penguin though.

Posted by John Holding (# 158) on :

quote:
Originally posted by 103 (One-O-Three):

Well Gort, these things always come back at you later on in life! It'll be just your luck that you'll wake up one morning and relize that you need the blue pill! And you'll be like the little boy who cried wolf, nobody will believe you!

-103

And you know this how? I mean, at your age, still suffering adolescent acne, you have how much experience of things coming back at you later in life? From my position, you have no later in life. And on a thread like this one, you'd be advised not to parade your experience -- or lack of it: someone might mock. In love, of course.

John

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Craigmaddie:
Anyway, on a tangent - any chaps got advice on the best way to have a Jimmy Riddle whilst still tumescent?

I'll regret this, I'm afraid, but I have to ask--what's a Jimmy Riddle?

Posted by Craigmaddie (# 8367) on :

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
I'll regret this, I'm afraid, but I have to ask--what's a Jimmy Riddle?

It's rhyming slang for a "widdle". I studied English Literature at university and my vocabulary is still essentially that of a 5-year old... [Hot and Hormonal]

Posted by Ultraspike (# 268) on :

That clears it up then.

Posted by Craigmaddie (# 8367) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Ultraspike:
That clears it up then.

Some onomatopoeias you just don't need to explain.

Posted by The One and Only Nanny Ogg (# 1176) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Go Anne Go:
My understanding is just think of penguins, and you'll be fine.

I wonder what penguins have to think of [Eek!]

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Craigmaddie:

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
I'll regret this, I'm afraid, but I have to ask--what's a Jimmy Riddle?
It's rhyming slang for a "widdle". I studied English Literature at university and my vocabulary is still essentially that of a 5-year old...

That's all right--my language didn't begin to turn foul until I was studying English Lit, and didn't become absofuckin'lutely inappropriate till I was in grad school.

Posted by 103 (One-O-Three) (# 5846) on :

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:

quote:
Originally posted by Craigmaddie:

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
I'll regret this, I'm afraid, but I have to ask--what's a Jimmy Riddle?
It's rhyming slang for a "widdle". I studied English Literature at university and my vocabulary is still essentially that of a 5-year old...
That's all right--my language didn't begin to turn foul until I was studying English Lit, and didn't become absofuckin'lutely inappropriate till I was in grad school.

I'm studying English Lit. at AS Level. Enough said! [Razz]

-103

Posted by HopPik (# 8510) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Craigmaddie:
on a tangent - any chaps got advice on the best way to have a Jimmy Riddle whilst still tumescent? I've never been able to do a handstand I'm afraid...

In my experience the JR deals with the tumescence... so if it's embarrassing/unwelcome, quick dash to the loo and all's well. Maybe that's just me!

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Go Anne Go:
...And Gort, you're really not my type dear.

[It must be the helmet. Yes, that's got to be it... or my height.]

How about: I promise to carry the stepladder and not wear my helmet in public?

[Maybe she's waiting for me to order her into submission. I must think like 103, NOW.]

Posted by The Bede's American Successor (# 5042) on :

quote:
Originally posted by 103 (One-O-Three):
Yeah - if I had... problems... I wouldn't go posting about it on the net.

...lead us not unto temptation...
[Votive]

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

Gort, this thread has destroyed one of my favorite songs, and it's all your fault. I can no longer listen to or sing Siúil A Rún without mangling the verse as follows:

quote:
I'll sell my rock, I'll sell my reel,
I'll sell my only spinning wheel,
To buy my lover a rod of steel....

Now I'm wondering about the cost of Viagra.

Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :

Ooh, is that how you spell that song? I used to sing it at school, but we spelled it 'Shularoo'.

(Waits to see if thread hijacking attempt is successful. Obscure Irish folk songs vs Gort's fantasy life ... hmm ...)

Posted by Archbishop Paddy O'Laud (# 9294) on :

Well, well, well, as we Irish say! What a topic! As one who pops the old blue crozier stiffener from time to time I must admit that I never had the three legged stool reaction! And I have told me personal [also Irish] physician that if I get an erection lasting more than four hours, he would be the last b****** I would be looking for !
Offer it up for the souly holes!

Posted by Pânts (# 4487) on :

quote:
Originally posted by 103 (One-O-Three):

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:

quote:
Originally posted by Craigmaddie:

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
I'll regret this, I'm afraid, but I have to ask--what's a Jimmy Riddle?
It's rhyming slang for a "widdle". I studied English Literature at university and my vocabulary is still essentially that of a 5-year old...
That's all right--my language didn't begin to turn foul until I was studying English Lit, and didn't become absofuckin'lutely inappropriate till I was in grad school.
I'm studying English Lit. at AS Level. Enough said!

-103

But you are still a 5 year old.

Posted by 103 (One-O-Three) (# 5846) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Pânts:

quote:
Originally posted by 103 (One-O-Three):

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:

quote:
Originally posted by Craigmaddie:

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
I'll regret this, I'm afraid, but I have to ask--what's a Jimmy Riddle?
It's rhyming slang for a "widdle". I studied English Literature at university and my vocabulary is still essentially that of a 5-year old...
That's all right--my language didn't begin to turn foul until I was studying English Lit, and didn't become absofuckin'lutely inappropriate till I was in grad school.
I'm studying English Lit. at AS Level. Enough said!

-103
But you are still a 5 year old.

Oh - If I was a 5 year old that would be sufficient reason to ban me from the ship [Razz]

-103

[ 04. May 2005, 16:01: Message edited by: 103 (One-O-Three) ]

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Gill H:
Ooh, is that how you spell that song? I used to sing it at school, but we spelled it 'Shularoo'.

(Waits to see if thread hijacking attempt is successful. Obscure Irish folk songs vs Gort's fantasy life ... hmm ...)

[ok, this is supposed to be scottish, but---]

"Lad I don't know where you been , but I'm glad you won first prize."

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

Judy Collins recorded that song, and I think it's spelled "Shularoon" on the album "Golden Apples of the Sun." And I think she sings "sword of steel," but I'm not sure of that.

Posted by The Bede's American Successor (# 5042) on :

quote:
Originally posted by 103 (One-O-Three):
Oh - If I was a 5 year old that would be sufficient reason to ban me from the ship

-103

...but deliver us from evil...
[Votive]

Posted by Go Anne Go (# 3519) on :

quote:
Originally posted by The One and Only Nanny Ogg:

quote:
Originally posted by Go Anne Go:
My understanding is just think of penguins, and you'll be fine.

I wonder what penguins have to think of

I've spent way too much time around penguins, both in their native habitats and at the Aquarium. In short, the penguins are sex obsessed little creatures, and careth not about the JR when they could be having it away instead.

I kid you not when I say that only last weekend I had to vehemently agree with a five year old (who I had taken to the Aquarium) when I said "YES! THAT'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! THE MOMMY PENGUIN *IS* GIVING THE BABY PENGUIN A HUG!!!"

Oh, the humanity. Every parent around me immediatley told their small child the same thing. Loud, rutting jackass penguins. My eyes! My eyes!

Posted by geroff (# 3882) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lumpy da Moose:
If it's low, there are patches and gels that can be applied externally that will supplement what your body may still be making.

BUT not if you have sensitive skin.
They can make you very sore and you have to find a different area of skin to put them on each day of the week.....
Anyway I thought you only used these if you actually had a medical condition....
after all who wants to be messing about with sticky patches, goey gel or having a deep injection every four weeks for the rest of your life?

Posted by The One and Only Nanny Ogg (# 1176) on :

I wonder how long people can keep this thread up for [Devil]

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

It's getting harder and harder...

Posted by Pânts (# 4487) on :

I thought that was the point... it wasn't.

Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :

Thank you all for extending my humble thread to such an exciting length. This month is my first anniversary on the ship and the exposure you've given my private concerns are humbling. 100+ posts is quite a stimulating experience for someone as withdrawn as myself.

Posted by Lumpy da Moose (# 9038) on :

quote:
Originally posted by geroff:

Anyway I thought you only used these if you actually had a medical condition....
after all who wants to be messing about with sticky patches, goey gel or having a deep injection every four weeks for the rest of your life?

Probably someone who wants his body to work like it did even, maybe, three years ago? That's why you get tested. There's no reason not to seek treatment. Women get HRT. Why not men? I'm not advocating anabolic steroids, but treatment by a physician, specifically an endocrinologist. The injections supposedly don't work all that well, lots of ups-and-downs, implants are more of a big deal with outpatient surgery. Topical application is said to work quite well.

But, then, I wouldn't know this by personal experience. Or readily admit to it, anyway.

Posted by geroff (# 3882) on :

The point is that I get treatment because my body doesn't work properly. It never has.
I am just saying be careful what you advise, because if you get too much testosterone your risk of prostate cancer increases.

Posted by Lumpy da Moose (# 9038) on :

I'm in total agreement here-- taking testosterone treatment is, quite literally, using steroids. In the US, they're considered a Class III pharmaceutical (abuse-equivalent to things like morphine painkillers, amphetamines, tranquilizers, etc.).

I was given a quite thorough digital exam and a PSA. I was tender for 2 days, but there was only slight enlargement (I'm 52) and the PSA was normal. I wouldn't use anything like that without thoroughly discussing the side-effects and without researching what I'm about to get into. Considering my behaviour in the 70's, this is quite an about-face for me. But even then, I was always careful to read up an what I put into myself. The PDR wasn't widely available then, but was usually around a large university library, so research was possible.

Frankly, I don't like putting foreign subtances in my body, but given the choice between, say, a stroke from uncontrolled hypertension, and tampering with the angiotensin in my system, I'll choose the latter. It's all risks. You weigh the odds and takes yer chances. I ride a motorcycle,too.

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lumpy da Moose:
Women get HRT.

They do indeed, and it increases their chances of having heart attacks, strokes, blood clots, and breast cancer. My mother has had both breast cancer and uterine cancer, so it's going to take more than hot flashes to get me onto HRT.

Posted by yeasayer (# 5203) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Sarkycow:
You watch the commercial breaks?

Isn't that when you get another drink, or go to the loo, or whatever?

Some commercials are well worth watching in themselves.

Posted by ozowen (# 8935) on :

Gort
I loved you start up post and laughed all the way through it!
Since you were jaust extracting the urine though I will not suggest that the offending structure be used as a handy orange juicer.
OK

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