Thread: Hell: The Dar es Salaam order of service Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Simon (# 1) on :
 
Your suggestions, please, for a suitably satirical order of service to conclude the Anglican primates' meeting at Dar es Salaam, along the lines of the stirring and inspiring Southwark Christmas Service.

What would be the most suitable hymns, prayers, responses and blessings for this... er... historic breakthrough in Christian unity? And who would deliver them? The whole order of service or bits of it are welcome. The best bits (if there are any) will be published on the Ship's main site.

[ 05. August 2007, 04:23: Message edited by: comet ]
 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Organ Prelude: Toccata and Fugue on "In an Octopus's Garden" [Two face]

<must be played by an Organist Behaving Badly>

M
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
just off the top of my head...

"The Lord be with you.

But not with you."


it's been floating around in my brain all week: hanging (slightly askew) in the lecturn is a sign that reads, "No Gurls Alowd".

[Frown]

I'm sure more will come to me.
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
There must be a point in the service where the Measuring of the Phylacteraries To See Who's Got The Biggest will take place.

And I'm certain that the procession will practically run past the Lady Chapel, for fear of girl cooties.

Probably should sing "I come to the garden alone", seeing as some of the Primates are quite certain they're the only ones what have met Jesus.

And there must be Alternative Eucharist Oversight, of course, between those who want flatbread and those who want crackers.

[ 21. February 2007, 16:50: Message edited by: Spiffy da WonderSheep ]
 
Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on :
 
Surely the recessional hymn will be Ian Dury's "I want to be straight"
 
Posted by PataLeBon (# 5452) on :
 
I think that you need to have two different places for Eucharist, as so to make sure that one can recieve with only those of the "true faith".
 
Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on :
 
Yup - the "gay-lovers" to receive communion in the bell tower, after first negotiating the rickety stair case in the dark (can't imagine who would removed the light bulb, can you?)
 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Can we have "Sing a Rainbow"?
 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
I think Dame Edna should officiate.
 
Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on :
 
With Eddie Izzard as the deacon.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
Yup - the "gay-lovers" to receive communion in the bell tower,

you mean in the closet, surely?
 
Posted by Louise (# 30) on :
 
I haven't had time to do anything special for this, as real life has intervened, but here's one I did earlier slightly amended - possibly a preface for your order of service...

L.


Jerusalem, Feb 21st 2007, Round about Tea Time

What have you been reading? The gospel according to Saint Bastard? - Eddie Izzard

The manuscript thief snuffled as he lurked in the deserted lavatory behind the Holy Sepulchre

'Well speak up man' said the Professor 'What have you got to sell to me? The Knights Templar Guide to Sex and Shopping? 'Who's Smiting Whom', one owner, slightly foxed, signed Samson?

He rustled in the carrier bag 'I have...'

'Oh not another bloody grail marked souvenir of Jerusalem'

'Excuse me professor but that's my personal grail. It's not on offer. This is the manuscript'

A strange aura of menace seemed to emanate from the wrinkled book with its oddly-familar, yet faded furry pattern.

'What's the binding?'
'Genuine Judaean leopard. The monks tamed it with a saucer of milk and a fresh lapdog daily until it would come into the library. Then they beat it to death with a chair and used it for bookbinding. Very authentic'.
'You dont see many Judaean Leopards these days'
'That's why.'
'Ink?'
'Judaean squid.'
The professor snorted.
'They dug a special watercourse to the holy pool of Siloam from their tank. Everyday they topped up the water with a jug of dead sea salt to adjust the salinity. The squid were lovingly raised on a diet of guppies from the lake of Galilee. Then when the time came, a monk would go down to the well and beat them to death with a chair.'
'So what is this?'
'This, my friend, is the true Holy grail, the core teaching which underpins the whole Christian faith - look more closely at the cover!'

There in faded lettering among the leopard spots he could see the traces of flaking gold leaf, koine greek. The words were debateable, what could they say? Don't Panic? Love one another? but suddenly they coalesced before his very eyes in all their glory-

'NO POOFTERS'

He gasped.

'At last! At last we know what the primates were reading!'

[ 21. February 2007, 20:48: Message edited by: Louise ]
 
Posted by Louise (# 30) on :
 
And while I'm rummaging in the bottom drawer, here's another oldie...

L.

from the Book of Squabbling...

And it came to pass that Caesar Augustus made things like fair employment and anti-discrimination acts, decreeing equal opportunities for his Catholic servants and there was much rejoicing. Except in the land of the Paisleyites and the Orangelodgeites where there was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth, as they exclaimed at this rude assault upon their tender consciences, for was it not written in the Bible that God hated Papes?

But Caesar signed the act into law and harkened not to their pleas.

'Ha ha!' said the Catholic servants 'Taketh up the 'No Popery' banner and spin on it! Losers!'

But lo, Caesar's new 'Thou shalt not maltreat thy brother on the grounds of religion' act had hardly been on the papyrus for very long, when he caught his Catholic servants in the act of striking the non heterosexually-inclined servants from the child-care rota, and his Archbishops, all in their frocks, egging them on not to render that which was equal opportunities unto Caesar.

And he said unto them 'What is all this? Did I not order that all religious discrimination should cease in my land?'

And they said 'Lord, Lord, the Bible says they're an abomination! We must be allowed to discriminate against them! It's our tender consciences - God hates pooves!"

And Caesar said unto them 'Take up your 'No Poovery' banner and spin on it, you hypocritical tossers!'

And they said "Help! Help! we're being oppressed! If you don't watch it, we're going on the Today programme!"
And Caesar did smite the Catholic servants with the rolled-up papyrus, saying 'Don't you of all people get what this equality stuff is about?'

And being all equal opportunities, he did smite the Archbishops too and did rend utterly their new child-care rota into a paper doily.

And he was heard to go away muttering something about having that Richard Dawkins in the back of his chariot once, 'wanted to feed them all to the bloody lions... How bloody right he was...'


(in case a host is worrying both these are my own original work)

[ 21. February 2007, 20:58: Message edited by: Louise ]
 
Posted by CorgiGreta (# 443) on :
 
Opening hymn:

"Cursed be the tie that binds
Our hearts in Jesus' love,
And those who disagree with us
Are going to get a shove.

Before our Father's throne,
We pour condemning prayers.
Our hopes, our aims are that they leave,
And if they go, who cares?

They cause us too much woe
Their burdens we won't bear,
They always go against the flow
They make us tear our hair."

Greta


,
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
(hushed golf-announcer whisper...)
***at the end of the Primates' meeting, whoever is left standing comes together for a service of Baptism. After the lessons and sermon, newly self-appointed Archbishop Of All That is Good and True, Peter Jensinola, begins the presentation... ***

++J: Do you renounce the Episcopal Church of The USA and all of the other Spiritual Forces of Wickedness, general Badness, and Wishy-Washyness that rebel against God As we Know Him?

Small voice: I renounce them.

++J: Do you renounce the evil powers of this world which corrupt and destroy the creatures of God, creatures of God being manly men and their properly quiet and subservient wives?

SV: er... sure.

++A: Do you renounce all sinful desires, especially the really icky ones, like for that boy who delivers to paper to the See house on Wednesday... you know, the really cute blond one with the tight shorts and crooked grin...

*ahem*

those desires that draw you from the love of God and his one, true path?

SV: (edges away)

++J: Do you turn to the Alternate Primatial Oversight and accept it as your parish's savior?

SV: hey, I was only here for the..

++J: Do you accept the One True Inflexible Way and it's EgoBishops as your only last hope for love before you spin into the spiraling void that will suck you into the void of immodesty, buggery, girly clothes, and dance?

come back here!

(cut to test tone)

[ 21. February 2007, 21:06: Message edited by: comet ]
 
Posted by Left at the Altar (# 5077) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Golden Key:
I think Dame Edna should officiate.

[Razz] I'll rustle up a suitable frock.

For the bits when everyone crosses themselves and says "Father, Son, Holy Spirit", those moving lyrics "When I think about you, I touch myself" would be in order.
 
Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 
THE GATHERING

Processional hymn
Men who walk in folly's way (Tune: Balaam's Ass)

President: May the love of God light up your life
All: And up yours


MINISTRY OF THE WORD

Please sit, or stand with your back to the wall, as you prefer

First reading, 1 Corinthians 16:19-20

The churches in the province of Asia send you greetings. Aquila and Priscilla greet you warmly in the Lord, and so does the church that meets at their house. All the brothers here send you greetings. Greet one another with a holy kiss.

Those wishing to leave at this point are requested not to use the rear exit


Gradual Hymn
Strait is the gate to all that come (Tune: The Empire Strikes Back)
 
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Response at Elevation:

Lord, they are not worthy to receive you, but only send them to a Christian Rehab Facility and they will be healed
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
OH! I forgot an appropriate hymn!

The Church's One Foundation (is Jesus Christ! You're Wrong!)

Then there's the Inviatory and Response:

Left Side: We've got the Spirit, yes we do, we've got the Spirit, how about you?
Right Side: We've got the Spirit, yes we do, we've got the Spirit, how about you?

[ 21. February 2007, 22:07: Message edited by: Spiffy da WonderSheep ]
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
The Anglican Communion is in the throes of a great battle which may not leave it intact as we have known and loved it for the last umpty years, and you people's response is to make nasty, sarcastic remarks about it?

I love this website! [Axe murder]
 
Posted by the giant cheeseburger (# 10942) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
Yup - the "gay-lovers" to receive communion in the bell tower, after first negotiating the rickety stair case in the dark (can't imagine who would removed the light bulb, can you?)

John Howard, maybe?
 
Posted by the coiled spring (# 2872) on :
 
quote:
Those wishing to leave at this point are requested not to use the rear exit
forgive me Chapelhead, but should it not be rear entrance
 
Posted by The Bede's American Successor (# 5042) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
The Anglican Communion is in the throes of a great battle which may not leave it intact as we have known and loved it for the last umpty years, and you people's response is to make nasty, sarcastic remarks about it?

I love this website! [Axe murder]

No one ever said Hell on SOF had to be tasteful or uplifting.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
besides, for me it's the whole "laugh o r you'll cry" thing.

LATA's is my favorite, so far. I may never cross myself without smirking again.
 
Posted by the coiled spring (# 2872) on :
 
Considering those cheeky little Anglican monkeys swinging round Diarrhoea Es Salem making out they know what they are doing, I just wonder if any of them are behind the recent attacks on men there.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/6383833.stm
Does anyone know if Mummy Kate took her Technicolor robe she wore when she took up her position on the throne in Washington for Catweazle to try on?
 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
I'm sure that " O God of Earth and Altar" will work, one way or another.

(I don't recognise either of the tunes as being the one we used, but it was 40 years ago that I last sung (or heard) it.)
 
Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
I've gone a bit Rocky Horror Service Book with this one. Some bits work better than others, and I can't do better than Spiffy's hymn, but I thought I ought to suggest something different, just for the hell of it.


Rite for Breakup of the Communion

Officiant: Welcome, all of you. We are here today to mark the breaking up of the Communion into 2 (or it might be 3, or 4, or 5) warring factions.

To left side of church: Jesus wants you for a sunbeam.
Left side: Ooh, fabulous!

To right side of church: Prepare the way of the Lord.
Right side: Make a straight path for him.

Officiant: Where there is harmony
All: May we bring discord.
Officiant: Where there is love
All: May we bring hatred.

Officiant: Let us now greet one another with a sign of peace.
All: You must be joking!

Officiant: We now sing our first hymn, The Church’s One Foundation. We will sing the first line, then there will be a 4-day meeting to decide how it should continue.

(hymn finishes eventually)

Officiant: Brothers…
Left side: …and Sisters!
Officiant: …and Sisters in Christ, I will now ask you to affirm your schism.

Officiant: Do you despise the misguided and heretical theology of that lot over there? (here he will gesture to either side of the church)
All: We do.
Officiant: Do you doubt their faith, and suspect them to be agents of Satan?
All: Yeah, sure, why not?
Officiant: Do you wish you could just run your own church, so you can do it properly without having to worry about them?
All: You bet!

Officiant: I now pronounce you separate denominations. You may now abuse each other.
All: Amen!
 
Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :
 
Well I did find this tucked away at the very back of a dusty hymn book (with apologies to F W Faber). To be sung, obviously, by the Primates in procession -

There’s a wideness in God’s mercy
That we just don’t want to see;
There’s a kindness in his justice
That won’t do for you or me.

For the love of God is broader
Than an archiepiscopal mind;
And we don’t want to know those
Who are Just Not Quite Our Kind.

So we make his love more narrow
By false limits of our own –
It gives our egos such a boost
And helps maintain the tone.

For it wouldn’t do for women
Or queers to be let in –
We’re a club for gentlemen,
And that’s that! – Pass the gin!
 
Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
In a moment of inspiration, God gave me this song:

The Church's One Foundation

The Church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
And poofters who are active
Can't join our happy throng.
The women priests who celebrate
Will make the angels weep,
In love we must reject them;
No priestesses for the sheep.

The Church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
And fundi evo bigots
Can't sing our Gospel song.
They pick and choose the verses
They follow and believe -
The Holy Spirit's left them;
We fear they've been deceived.


Anyone got any more verses? Obviously I reserve the right to tell you what you write is from Satan not God [Biased]

Sarkycow
 
Posted by IngoB (# 8700) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
For the bits when everyone crosses themselves and says "Father, Son, Holy Spirit", those moving lyrics "When I think about you, I touch myself" would be in order.

Damn, LatA. That one gets five millstones on the Ecclesiasticus scale. [Big Grin] [Devil] [Help]
 
Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by the coiled spring:
quote:
Those wishing to leave at this point are requested not to use the rear exit
forgive me Chapelhead, but should it not be rear entrance
If that's the way you wish to use it, I'm not going to stop you.
 
Posted by PhilA (# 8792) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sarkycow:
In a moment of inspiration, God gave me this song:

The Church's One Foundation

The Church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
And poofters who are active
Can't join our happy throng.
The women priests who celebrate
Will make the angels weep,
In love we must reject them;
No priestesses for the sheep.

The Church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
And fundi evo bigots
Can't sing our Gospel song.
They pick and choose the verses
They follow and believe -
The Holy Spirit's left them;
We fear they've been deceived.

The church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
We're building an extension
To house our happy throng
We're bricking up the windows
Between our pad and yours
We don't want groups of woofters
Watch us eat our Lord

The churches one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
We've seen you kissing posters
Of the evil 'bishop' Spong
Our Primate he hath spoken
With lace robes glistening
So talk to the hand, bitch
The face ain't listening.
 
Posted by ToujoursDan (# 10578) on :
 
For all US Saints

For all us Saints, who from the pagans wrest,
Who are by faith are the only blessed,
Our Name, Stand Firm, be forever blessed.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

Scripture our Rock, we wait for God to smite;
Them, Lord, those damned in the well fought fight;
Them, in the darkness, we the one true Light.
Alleluia, Alleluia!

For Akinola’s glorious company,
Who brings the Truth o’er land and over sea,
Shook all the mighty world, we sing to He
Alleluia, Alleluia!

O pure communion, the elect divine!
They feebly struggle, we in glory shine;
We are one in Thee, for Thou art really mine.
Alleluia, Alleluia!
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Bede's American Successor:
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
The Anglican Communion is in the throes of a great battle which may not leave it intact as we have known and loved it for the last umpty years, and you people's response is to make nasty, sarcastic remarks about it?

I love this website! [Axe murder]

No one ever said Hell on SOF had to be tasteful or uplifting.
Um, my point was that this is a fun thread that I'm enjoying. Hence the "I love this website" and the shower-of-hearts smiley. Get it? Get it?
 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
I think the Bede's irony meter may be in need of some recalibration...
 
Posted by Amazing Grace (# 95) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Bede's American Successor:
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
The Anglican Communion is in the throes of a great battle which may not leave it intact as we have known and loved it for the last umpty years, and you people's response is to make nasty, sarcastic remarks about it?

I love this website! [Axe murder]

No one ever said Hell on SOF had to be tasteful or uplifting.
Chill out, Bede. MT is just saying that he couldn't think of anything good to add himself, but he's enjoying the show.

I'm looking forward to it, and will be emailing HOT LINKS to my clergy when it's ready.

Charlotte
 
Posted by The Bede's American Successor (# 5042) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
Um, my point was that this is a fun thread that I'm enjoying. Hence the "I love this website" and the shower-of-hearts smiley. Get it? Get it?

So, maybe then you could inform us what troparion the Orthodoxen use when you have one of your frequent spats. It might be useful here.
 
Posted by ToujoursDan (# 10578) on :
 
While I have met a few Orthodox who are simply salivating over the prospect of the Anglican Communion splitting over those uppety women and gays because somehow it proves that giving them/us too much power causes horrible things to happen, I have never gotten the impression that Mousethief was part of that camp.

I think he was just commenting on the surrealism of this thread. C'mon kiss and make up.
 
Posted by Henry Troup (# 3722) on :
 
The psalm has to be 137, with special emphasis on verse 5
quote:
let my right hand forget her cunning

 
Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
A Commination
or Denouncing of God's Anger and Judgements against Sinners,

With certain Prayers, to be used on the first Day of Lent, and at other times, as the Ordinary shall appoint.

After Morning Prayer, the Litany ended according to the accustomed manner, the Priest shall, in the reading Pew or Pulpit, say

Bretheren, in the Primitive Church there was a godly discipline, that, at the beginning of Lent, such persons as stood convicted of notorious sin were put to open penance, and punished in this world, that their souls might be saved in the day of the Lord; and that others, admonished by their example, might be the more afraid to offend.

Instead whereof, until the said discipline may be restored again, (which is much to be wished,) it is thought good, that at this time (in the presence of you all) should be read the general sentences of God's cursing against impenitent sinners, gathered out of the seven and twentieth Chapter of Deuteronomy, and other places of Scripture; and that ye should answer to every Sentence, Amen: To the intent that, being admonished of the great indignation of God against sinners, ye may the rather be moved to earnest and true repentance; and may walk more warily in these dangerous days; fleeing from such vices, for which ye affirm with your own mouths the curse of God to be due.

Cursed is the man that maketh any carved or molten image, to worship it.

And the people shall answer and say

Amen.

Minister.Cursed is he that curseth his father or mother.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that removeth his neighbour's landmark.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that maketh the blind to go out of his way.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that perverteth the judgement of the stranger, the fatherless, and widow.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that smiteth his neighbour secretly.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that lieth with his neighbour's wife.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that taketh reward to slay the innocent.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man, and taketh man for his defence, and in his heart goeth from the Lord.
Answer. Amen.
Minister.Cursed are the unmerciful, fornicators, and adulterers, covetous persons, idolaters, slanderers, drunkards, and extortioners.
Answer. Amen.

Minister.

NOW seeing that all they are accursed (as the prophet David beareth witness) who do err and go astray from the commandments of God; let us (remembering the dreadful judgement hanging over our heads, and always ready to fall upon us) return unto our Lord God, with all contrition and meekness of heart; bewailing and lamenting our sinful life, acknowledging and confessing our offences, and seeking to bring forth worthy fruits of penance. For now is the axe put unto the root of the trees, so that every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God: he shall pour down rain upon the sinners, snares, fire and brimstone, storm and tempest; this shall be their portion to drink. For lo, the Lord is come out of his place to visit the wickedness of such as dwell upon the earth. But who may abide the day of his coming? Who shall be able to endure when he appeareth? His fan is in his hand, and he will purge his floor, and gather his wheat into the bam; but he will burn the chaff with unquenchable fire. The day of the Lord cometh as a thief in the night: and when men shall say, Peace, and all things are safe, then shall sudden destruction come upon them, as sorrow cometh upon a woman travailing with child, and they shall not escape.

Then shall appear the wrath of God in the day of vengeance, which obstinate sinners, through the stubbornness of their heart, have heaped unto them, selves; which despised the goodness, patience, and long, sufferance of God, when he calleth them continually to repentance. Then shall they call upon me, (saith the Lord,) but I will not hear; they shall seek me early, but they shall not find me; and that, because they hated knowledge, and received not the fear of the Lord, but abhorred my counsel, and despised my correction.

Then shall it be too late to knock when the door shall be shut; and too late to cry for mercy when it is the time of justice. O terrible voice of most just judgement, which shall be pronounced upon them, when it shall be said unto them, Go, ye cursed, into the fire everlasting, which is prepared for the devil and his angels.

Therefore, brethren, take we heed betime, while the day of salvation lasteth; for the night cometh, when none can work. But let us, while we have the light, believe in the light, and walk as children of the light; that we be not cast into utter darkness, where is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Let us not abuse the goodness of God, who calleth us mercifully to amendment, and of his endless pity promiseth us forgiveness of that which is past, if with a perfect and true heart we return unto him. For though our sins be as red as scarlet, they shall be made white as snow; and though they be like purple, yet they shall be made white as wool.

Turn ye (saith the Lord) from all your wickedness, and your sin shall not be your destruction: Cast away from you all your ungodliness that ye have done: Make you new hearts, and a new spirit: Wherefore will ye die, O ye house of Israel, seeing that I have no pleasure in the death of him that dieth, saith the Lord God? Turn ye then, and ye shall live. Although we have sinned, yet have we an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous; and he is the propitiation for our sins. For he was wounded for our offences, and smitten for our wickedness.

Let us therefore return unto him, who is the merciful receiver of all true penitent sinners; assuring ourselves that he is ready to receive us, and most willing to pardon us, if we come unto him with faithful repentance; if we submit ourselves unto him, and from henceforth walk in his ways; if we will take his easy yoke, and light burden upon us, to follow him in lowliness, patience, and charity, and be ordered by the governance of his Holy Spirit; seeking always his glory, and serving him duly in our vocation with thanksgiving: This if we do, Christ will deliver us from the curse of the law, and from the extreme malediction which shall light upon them that shall be set on the left hand; and he will set us on his right hand, and give us the gracious benediction of his Father, commanding us to take possession of his glorious kingdom: Unto which he vouchsafe to bring us all, for his infinite mercy.

Amen.

Then shall they all kneel upon their knees, and the Priest and Clerks kneeling (in the place where they are accustomed to say the Litany) shall say this Psalm.

Miserere mei, deus. Psalm 51

HAVE mercy upon me, O God, after thy great goodness: according to the multitude of thy mercies do away mine offences.
Wash me thoroughly from my wickedness: and cleanse me from my sin.
For I acknowledge my faults: and my sin is ever before me.
Against thee only have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified in thy saying, and clear when thou art judged.
Behold, I was shapen in wickedness: and in sin hath my mother conceived me.
But lo, thou requirest truth in the inward parts: and shalt make me to understand wisdom secretly.
Thou shalt purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: thou shalt wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Thou shalt make me hear of joy and gladness: that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
Turn thy face away from my sins: and put out all my misdeeds.
Make me a clean heart, O God: and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from thy presence: and take not thy Holy Spirit from me.
O give me the comfort of thy help again: and stablish me with thy free Spirit.
Then shall I teach thy ways unto the wicked: and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
Deliver me from blood guiltiness, O God, thou that art the God of my health: and my tongue shall sing of thy righteousness.
Thou shalt open my lips, O Lord: and my mouth shall shew thy praise.
For thou desirest no sacrifice, else would I give it thee: but thou delightest not in burnt-offerings.
The sacrifice of God is a troubled spirit: a broken and contrite heart, O God, shalt thou not despise.
O be favourable and gracious unto Sion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifice of righteousness, with the burnt-offerings and ablations: then shall they offer young bullocks upon thine attar.
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son: and to the Holy Ghost;

Answer. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be: world without end.

Amen.

Lord, have mercy upon us.
Christ, have mercy upon us.
Lord, have mercy upon us.

Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive them that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation; But deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Minister.O Lord, save thy servants;
Answer.That put their trust in thee.
Minister.Send unto them help from above.
Answer.And evermore mightily defend them.
Minister.Help us, O God our Saviour.
Answer.And for the glory of thy Name deliver us; be merciful to us sinners, for thy Name's sake.
Minister.O Lord, hear our prayer.
Answer.And let our cry come unto thee.

Minister.Let us pray.

O LORD, we beseech thee, mercifully hear our prayers, and spare all those who confess their sins unto thee; that they, whose consciences by sin are accused, by thy merciful pardon may be absolved; through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

O MOST mighty God, and merciful Father, who hast compassion upon all men, and hatest nothing that thou hast made; who wouldest not the death of a sinner, but that he should rather turn from his sin, and be saved: Mercifully forgive us our trespasses; receive and comfort us, who are grieved and wearied with the burden of our sins. Thy property is always to have mercy; to thee only it appertaineth to forgive sins. Spare us therefore, good Lord, spare thy people, whom thou hast redeemed; enter not into judgement with thy servants, who are vile earth, and miserable sinners; but so turn thine anger from us, who meekly acknowledge our vileness, and truly repent us of our faults, and so make haste to help us in this world, that we may ever live with thee in the world to come; through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Then shall the people say this that followeth, after the Minister.

TURN thou us, O good Lord, and so shall we be turned. Be favourable, O Lord, Be favourable to thy people, Who turn to thee in weeping, fasting, and praying. For thou art a merciful God, Full of compassion. Longsuffering, and of great pity. Thou sparest when we deserve punishment, And in thy wrath thinkest upon mercy. Spare thy people, good Lord, spare them, And let not thine heritage be brought to confusion. Hear us, O Lord, for thy mercy is great, And after the multitude of thy mercies look upon us; Through the merits and mediation of thy blessed Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Then the Minister alone shall say

The Lord bless us, and keep us; the Lord lift up the light of his countenance upon us, and give us peace, now and for evermore.

Amen.

[ 22. February 2007, 16:25: Message edited by: ken ]
 
Posted by The Bede's American Successor (# 5042) on :
 
Thank you, Ken.
 
Posted by Laura (# 10) on :
 
I think that is straight out of my UK Book of Common Prayer. I think we should give An Order of Commination an airing more often. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Bede's American Successor:
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
Um, my point was that this is a fun thread that I'm enjoying. Hence the "I love this website" and the shower-of-hearts smiley. Get it? Get it?

So, maybe then you could inform us what troparion the Orthodoxen use when you have one of your frequent spats. It might be useful here.
I have a whole web page devoted to making fun of Orthodox spats and such. Pay attention.
 
Posted by ToujoursDan (# 10578) on :
 
...and I love the hate mail you get (is it real?)
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
I can't believe I forgot my favorite bible verse ever is wholly appropriate:

quote:
Think of the work of God, for who is able to make straight what He has not made straight?
Ecclesiastes 7:13 (New Life Version)

[ 22. February 2007, 17:42: Message edited by: Spiffy da WonderSheep ]
 
Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Laura:
I think that is straight out of my UK Book of Common Prayer. I think we should give An Order of Commination an airing more often. [Big Grin]

I had intended to parody it, but when I started to read it I decided it wasn't neccessary. It does fine as it is.
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ToujoursDan:
...and I love the hate mail you get (is it real?)

Sadly, yes.
 
Posted by Laura (# 10) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
I had intended to parody it, but when I started to read it I decided it wasn't neccessary. It does fine as it is.

It can't be parodied. Like the current U.S. president.
 
Posted by PhilA (# 8792) on :
 
For the music group to sing during communion:

Jesus loves me this I know
For my Primate tells me so
He protects me from the rest
Who try to lift my nice lace vest

Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
My primate tells me so
 
Posted by Oscar the Grouch (# 1916) on :
 
I keep reading "commination" as "contamination" - which I think is actually rather appropriate. An Order of Contamination is exactly what the Akinolists should be saying.
 
Posted by The Silent Acolyte (# 1158) on :
 
Bede, Lighten up on MT. I'm usually the humorless git, not you.
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Silent Acolyte:
Bede, Lighten up on MT. I'm usually the humorless git, not you.

Is that sort of like keeping the bully from beating up your little brother because only you have the right to beat up your little brother? [Help]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
shup, bro. I'll deal with you later.
 
Posted by fisher (# 9080) on :
 
I'm no good at this sort of thing - at best, somebody could take my quarter-baked ideas and improve on them.

For music, would "Bind us together, Lord" be any use? If not, how about an organ voluntary on the theme of "D-I-V-O-R-C-E" or a recessional hymn of "I will survive" sung in 60-part disharmony?
 
Posted by John Holding (# 158) on :
 
Has anyone noticed that you can substitute "Akinola" for "Alleluia" in just about any hymn? Not that any of us would use the forbidden word in this season of Lent, of course. But just think -- instead of "praise God" we could just chant the name of the Primate of Nigeria. And would anyone know the difference...

John
 
Posted by Estragon (# 1899) on :
 
Maybe there's a God above
But all you've ever taught of love
Is how to make a global church fall over.
And there's no complaint you'll hear tonight
About your abuse of human rights,
Just support of your crusade against granola.
Akinola, Akinola
Akinola,
Akino-o-ola



*with apologies for obvious bias and maybe a tiny simplification of some complex issues for the sake of scantion.
 
Posted by Louise (# 30) on :
 
The Greeting

President - The Nigerian Police be with you
Congregation- And also with thy boyfriend!

The prayer of preparation

Almighty God,
before whom all closets are open,
all desires known,
and from whom no secrets are hidden:
Please, for God's sake don't tell anyone what we fantasise about.
Amen

President - My brothers and sisters, as we prepare to celebrate the presence of Christ. Let us call to mind and confess everyone else's sins but our own. It's more fun that way! We're looking at you, Bishop Squidlover.

Everyone shall turn round and glare at the Americans.

The Epistle from the Shorter Letters of St Akinola to the Cantabrians

The Archbishop of Nigeria - 'L'Église, C'est moi!'

Congregation - 'Oh no, it isn't!'

Small embarrassingly humble voice - OH YES, IT IS!

Congo - "Look behind you! - it's Gene Robinson!"

Archbish - "Aaaaaaaargh!"

(There will be an interlude for the miraculous healing of the back injury as the Archbishop sprints from the church)

Gospel reading Luke 10:30-35 (New Windsor Version)

30“A gay man fell among theives, who stripped him, wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.
31 Now by chance a certain priest came down that road. And when
he saw him, he passed by on the other side.
32 Likewise a Levite, when he arrived at the place, came and
looked, and passed by on the other side.
33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was and he too looked and passed by on the other side
34 And the wounded man said feebly, 'Excuse me, you're the Samaritan, could you possibly help?'
35. And he replied 'Sorry, but we haven't got a theological consensus on that one.'

President - This is the word according to the Primates!
All - Thank God, we're not gay!

The sermon by the Archbishop of Canterbury

"Dearly beloved, Don't you know that everytime a little American says 'I believe in fairies!' the Holy Spirit is greived to the heart and somewhere in Nigeria, a little policeman cries?

Congo (loudly) - WE BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!

Archbish - You're all being very naughty.

Hymn - St Patrick's Chastity belt (tune- 'No pasaran!')

I bind unto myself today
Hetero-sexu-alitee!
By invocation of the same
No gay shall have their way with me!.

I ban the gays that wed in church
By power of faith, Christ’s incarnation;
His baptism in Jordan river,
His death on Cross for my salvation;
His bursting from the spicèd tomb,
His riding up the heavenly way,
His coming at the day of doom
We bind our Church against the gays!

The Dismissal

Primates - "Back into the closet and try and think you're in Narnia!"
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Louise: [Overused] [Overused] [Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Laughter sending me into coughing fit.)
 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Wonderful, Louise!
 
Posted by ToujoursDan (# 10578) on :
 
I just blew coffee all over my computer [again]. I need to invest is come kind of plastic cover.
 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Will there be a space in the Service, or at least the Service Leaflet, for announcements?

Because 990-lb. Squid Caught by New Zealand Fishermen

M
 
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
The report I read said it would make calamari rings as big as tractor tyres. A change from prawn crackers but I bet it makes the Baby Cthulhu cry.
 
Posted by The Bede's American Successor (# 5042) on :
 
6. For our Enemies

O God, the Father of all, whose Son commanded us to love our enemies: Lead them and us from prejudice to truth; deliver them and us from hatred, cruelty, and revenge; and in your good time enable us all to stand reconciled before you; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

(Page 816, 1979 BCP-US)

7. For the Church

Gracious Father, we pray for thy holy Catholic Church. Fill it with all truth, in all truth with all peace. Where it is corrupt, purify it; where it is in error, direct it; where in any thing it is amis, reform it. Where it is right, stregnthen it; where it is in want, provide for it; where it is divided, reunited it; for the sake of Jesus Christ thy Son our Savior. Amen.

(Page 816, 1979 BCP-US)

14. For the Unity of the Church

O God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, our only Savior, the Prince of Peace: Give us grace seriously to lay to heart the great dangers we are in by our unhappy divisions; take away all hatred and prejudice, and whatever else may hinder us from godly union and concord; that, as there is but one Body and one Spirit, one hope of our calling, one Lord, one Faith, one Baptism, one God and Father of us all, so we may be all of one heart and of one soul, united in one holy bond of truth and peace, of faith and charity, and may with one mind and one mouth glorify thee; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

(Page 818, 1979 BCP-US)
 
Posted by georgiaboy (# 11294) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sarkycow:
In a moment of inspiration, God gave me this song:

The Church's One Foundation

The Church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
And poofters who are active
Can't join our happy throng.
The women priests who celebrate
Will make the angels weep,
In love we must reject them;
No priestesses for the sheep.

The Church's one foundation
Is Jesus Christ! You're wrong!
And fundi evo bigots
Can't sing our Gospel song.
They pick and choose the verses
They follow and believe -
The Holy Spirit's left them;
We fear they've been deceived.


Anyone got any more verses? Obviously I reserve the right to tell you what you write is from Satan not God [Biased]

Sarkycow

To continue:

The Church's one foundation
Is sinking in the sand,
The waves are quickly rising,
There's no place left to stand.
The primates may be able
To sign the bottom line,
But folks at home are liable
To think it wasted time.
 
Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 
Can I point out that Dr Schori is not only a saint, but has a halo to prove it (scroll 1/3 way down). Meanwhile Dr Williams has acquired a personal helicopter-backpack, with which to make a quick getaway.
 
Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 
Could we finish the service by all joining hands and singing Kum ba yah?
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
I think they should be using these hymns:
With the BCP Service of Commination, supplemented with readings:

1 Samuel 20:20-42
Judges 4: 6-21
Mathew 8: 5-13
 
Posted by Saint Hedrin the Lesser-Known (# 11399) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
Can I point out that Dr Schori is not only a saint, but has a halo to prove it (scroll 1/3 way down). Meanwhile Dr Williams has acquired a personal helicopter-backpack, with which to make a quick getaway.

Very ... iconic? *crowd groans*

And here's me waiting for [b]Lambeth 2008: The Musical[/i]! It'll feature a big production number of the "global South" bishops and primates in a rousing rendition of "Lambeth Walk (out)."
[Ultra confused]
 
Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
Can I point out that Dr Schori is not only a saint, but has a halo to prove it (scroll 1/3 way down).

With reference to that picture, is the reason +Akinola did not attend the Eucharist his opposition to the presence of two strings of fairly lights on the altar?

In this order of service should we have a choice between fairy cakes and angel cakes with the after-service coffee?
 
Posted by Manx Taffy (# 301) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
Can I point out that Dr Schori is not only a saint, but has a halo to prove it (scroll 1/3 way down). Meanwhile Dr Williams has acquired a personal helicopter-backpack, with which to make a quick getaway.

..... are you sure that's not just his halo that understandably has slipped some what?
 
Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
Louise: [Overused] [Overused] [Overused]

I think the service could use just a few tweaks.

The celebrant should be some random layman from Sydney, since that sort of thing doesn't seem to bother +++Peter Akinola. At least, the idea of "lay presidency" doesn't bother him nearly as much as exposure to the co-equal contagions of Poofters and Girl Cooties.

The psalm is 137:7-9:
7 Remember the day of Jerusalem, O Lord,
against the people of Edom,*
who said, "Down with it! down with it!
even to the ground!"
8 O Daughter of Babylon, doomed to destruction,*
happy the one who pays you back
for what you have done to us!
9 Happy shall he be who takes your little ones,
and dashes them against the rock!

The communion hymn is #661, "They cast their nets in Galilee:"
quote:
The peace of God, it is no peace,
but strife sealed in the sod...

Ross
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
I still think we should have these three bible passages:

1 Samuel 20:20-42
Judges 4:6-21
Mathew 8:5-13
 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
In this order of service should we have a choice between fairy cakes and angel cakes with the after-service coffee?

And...just annoy them on the whole "girls are bad, priestesses worse, and don't call God 'She'" thing...cakes for the Queen of Heaven.

[Yipee] [Two face]


Louise et al [Overused]
 
Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
Oh, yes, GK -- the Sydney layman should defniteily celebrate the Eucharist with raisin cakes. How could we forget?
 
Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 
Thy couch was the sod, O thou Son of god
 


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