Thread: Kerygmania: The Bible, Non-stop - GENESIS Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.


To visit this thread, use this URL:
http://forum.ship-of-fools.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000720

Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Per this discussion and picking up on Twilight's suggestion, this thread will hopefully be our Ship of Fools paraphrase of the book of GENESIS.

quote:
Alan Cresswell suggested: Paraphrases, by their very nature, carry a substantial interpretive element (translation does as well, of course). A paraphrase says a fair bit about the person doing the paraphrase. It would be quite interesting to see how a paraphrase produced by the Ship would turn out.

I'd probably not limit it to one verse at a time, as quite often you'd want to paraphrase an idea that crosses the artificial boundaries versification imposes.

Also, I think there may be instances where 10 verses is too short ... some of Jesus' parables are longer than that, and would logically be a single unit to be paraphrased. Not that we'll be getting to the parables quickly. But, even most of Genesis 1 could be paraphrased as a single unit if the interpretation you want to convey considers the 'days' to be incidental.

This is the Heavenly Host Authorized Version... [Biased]

Please include the book, chapter, and verse(s) included at the front of your post.

[ 30. October 2009, 12:21: Message edited by: Moo ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 1, verses 1 & 2:

BANG! God made the space-time continuum.

There wasn't really any Earth there, not that we would recognize, but in the vast darkness the Spirit of God brooded over the potential, moving over the deep and hovering over the elements of creation.
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
And God said, "Yo, light!" And whammo! Light. Just like that. Good light, too. (gen 1:3-4a)
 
Posted by Rev per Minute (# 69) on :
 
Then God started sorting - day and night, earth and sky, land and water, sun and moon. Then he started growing things, too - plants, animals and birds. 'Sorted,' he thought.

(Gen 1:5-25)
 
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
Then God created human beings (male and female). They were in God's own image, and had the responsibility of caring for all creation, including the children they were to have. Creation was now complete.

(Gen 1:26- 2:1)
 
Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
 
The Kerygmania Hosts have requested this thread, and that means one less thread for me to host [Biased] ... Shall send it thither.

Hold tight!

[ 25. January 2008, 17:04: Message edited by: Stoo ]
 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Genesis 2:2-3

By the seventh day God was all done, so he put his feet up and blessed that day, saying, "Thank myself It's Sabbath!" He made it a special day because it was his own offical rest day.
 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
Genesis 2:4

And that's how the heavens and the earth were made. Meanwhile, as YHWH was making the heavens and the earth...
 
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
God made man and made him a garden to live in. This garden had beautiful rivers and many trees, including the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. God told the man that he should tend the garden and could eat from any of the trees, except the Tree of KGE, which he would die if he ate. (Gen 2:5-17)

[ 25. January 2008, 18:42: Message edited by: Hart ]
 
Posted by Afghan (# 10478) on :
 
18: And says *cough* God, "Not good, is it, the man being lonely? I'll make him some help, to be alongside him."

19: And He makes, *cough* God, out of the soil, all the living things of the field and all the birds of the heavens. And he brings them to the man, to see what he calls them. And whatever the man called it, the living soul, that was its name.
 
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
God made many creatures which Adam named, but none of them were suitable partners. So, God made a new creature, called woman, out of Adam's own rib and Adam recognized her as his companion.

(Gen 2:20-24)
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
Now, the snake had the slickest line of crap of any critter in the whole garden that God had made. None of the others could even hold a candle to his bull-shitin' ways. The snake came up to the woman one day, and without so much as a "how do you do," asked her if it was the truth what he had heard about God "forbidding" her and the man from eating from his "special" tree. The woman answered, "You got that right, brother snake. He said you can't eat and you can't touch, or your ass is grass!"

(GEN 3: 1 - 2)
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
Sorry, that last post covers Gen 3: 1 - 3
 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
The serpent tells her what she wants to hear and the woman sees something she likes the look of, so naturally she takes it. And eats it of course - the dieting fad comes much later. The man is too trusting, so when she offers him the food he eats it without thinking too much.

What a dick.

[Gen 3: 4 - 6]

[tense trouble]

[ 26. January 2008, 03:11: Message edited by: Marvin the Martian ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Gen. 3:7-

"Will you look at that? We don't have fur or feathers or scales or nuthin'-- we're nekkid!"

"Well, that's just not right-- here are some big leaves; help me sew 'em together. We need to cover our bits..."
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
'Bit breezy tonite', said Adz.
'Yeah', said Eeev.
'Hey! I can hear God coming!, quick let's play hide and seek! Bags I get this big tree.'
''Sorright, there's plenty of other trees.'
And so they hid.
(that was Gen 3:8, btw)
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Gen. 3:9-13

So the Lord called out, "Yo! Adam, where are you?" (like He didn't know--)

And Adam said, "I heard You coming and that made me really nervous because we're naked. So we hid."

And in His voice like many waters (but a little sad, too) the Lord asked, "Naked? Did anybody mention naked? Who said naked? ...did you eat of that one tree I asked you not to eat of?" (like He didn't know--).

So Adam answered, "If You hadn't've given me that woman, none of this would've ever happened! That woman You gave me gave me the fruit off that tree; what am I supposed to do, just throw it away? I ate it."

"What have you done?" God asked the woman. She points at the snake, that old dragon, and says, "Nu-huh, it was his fault! He told me we'd be like You, like wise and smart and stuff, and that seemed like a good idea-- well, yeah, I ate it."

[Frown]
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
Then God turned his attention to the snake and said;

"Eat dirt, you fucking ASS, - er, SNAKE! You can't have anything more to DO with that woman! In fact, whenever you two even SEE each other from now on I want you to come out with your dukes up! And this is a family feud to be passed on to your young-uns too!"

(GEN 9:14-15)

[ 26. January 2008, 13:09: Message edited by: the pilgrim ]
 
Posted by alienfromzog (# 5327) on :
 
Gen 3: 16-19

Once again, with the many-rivers but sad voice, God said:

"Well guys, you've really blown it. I'm very big on justice so this is gonna be a tough problem. [Mad]
"So this is what happens now;
Eve, I childbirth is gonna hurt a lot. More of a problem though is that woman kind will seek to control their men and the men will brutalise the women.

"Adam, the growing stuff in the ground is going to be lots and lots of hard work.

"And ultimately, as I warned you, you are going to die. I made you from dust, and dust you will become again..."

AFZ

I really wanna do Cain and Abel...
 
Posted by Moo (# 107) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by alienfromzog:
I really wanna do Cain and Abel...

Yes, the first siblings and the first sibling rivalry.

Moo
 
Posted by alienfromzog (# 5327) on :
 
it's more an idea of a paraphrase of "Am I my brother's keeper?"
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
quote:
Originally posted by alienfromzog:
I really wanna do Cain and Abel...

Yes, the first siblings and the first sibling rivalry.

Moo

Wait your turn, Alienfromzog, it will come!
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
So the man decided to call the woman "Eve" because, - to be quite frank, - he planned to knock her up pretty soon, and this would set off an unbroken cycle of "begatting" that would fill the world with copies of the man and woman.

(GEN 3:20)
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
And God made proper clothes for the poor fools who thought they could make them out of leaves (as if!) but of course, it cost some poor animal his life (thus creating the first Messianic type, but that's another story).

And then God said to himself, "Well, now that evil has invaded the human race, there ain't no way I can let them live forever. Living hell, that'd be. So I've got to get them away from the other tree."

So God said, "Okay, you're out of here. Door's that way. You might try a little farming, seems right up your alley." And he put a big angel with a sword by the gate, just to make sure nobody snuck back in to eat from the tree of life. (Genesis 3:21-24)
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
Adam and Eve did the Big Nasty and had kids, the first two being Cain and Abel. Cain was a rancher and Abel was a farmer. They made sacrifices to God, and God preferred the meat to the wheat, which totally pissed Cain off.

(Genesis 4:1-5)
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
"So what's your problem?" said God. "If you'd done well you'd have been rewarded. You didn't, so you weren't. Get over it."

"Cheers," said Cain a bit sarcastically, but to himself, and went away in search of Abel.

(Gen 4: 6-7)
 
Posted by BWSmith (# 2981) on :
 
Then Cain said to Abel, "Hey, look over there! It's the Good Year Blimp!" And when Abel turned to look, Cain pushed him off the edge of a cliff. Then the LORD said to Cain, "Hey, I've got two tickets to see the Rolling Stones, and I'd like to take your brother. Have you seen him anywhere?" And Cain replied, "I don't know. He had to 'drop out' for a little while." (Gen 4:8-9)
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
"What are you trying to pull here?" said God. "Look for yourself! Your brothers blood is all over the place, and you might as well be standing there holding his open wallet! Well, your farming days in these parts are OVER, bucko! I'm fixing it so that you never see another crop as long as you live. You might as well hit the road and pick up odd jobs here and there for the rest of your life!"

(GEN 4: 10 - 12)
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
Then Cain said, "Whoa! That's harsh! You might as well paint a target on my back." So God put "Do Not Kill" on Cain's forehead, and Cain shuffled off to Eastofeden, of Steinbeck fame. There he built a city and had a kid (Enoch), who in turn had a bunch of descendents. One of them was Lamech, who had two wives.

These wives were unusual among women in the Old Testament in that they have names, to wit, Adah and Zillah. Between them they had kids famous for musical instruments and tools.

(Genesis 4:13-19)
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
(I submit that MT covered Gen. 4:13-22)

Genesis 4:23-26

Lamech was really full of himself. He called his wives (Adah and Zillah) and said, "Hey! Listen to me! Pay attention! Because I am one important bad dude: I killed a man for injuring me and I killed a boy for daring to hit me. If Cain is going to be avenged SEVENfold, I am going to be avenged SEVENTY-SEVENfold."

In the meantime, Adam and Eve are making love and having babies and Eve was sorry about Abel's death so when she had another son she called him 'Seth,' saying, "God has given me another son in place of Abel (because Cain is such a jerk he killed his brother-- grrrr)."

And when Seth was grown and married he also had a son and Seth called him Enosh. Then humanity began to summon and proclaim the name of the LORD.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
[tangent]
Re: alienfromzog wanting to post Cain & Abel and missing the opportunity, disucssion here. Your thoughts appreciated [Angel]
[/tangent]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Gen 5, 1-27:

Anyway, getting back to Adam and the other kids, here's the family tree. God made people in his own image, and they were awesome. Not just the guys, not just the girls, but both together. And God blessed them and called them "people."

Then things started to go down hill. Like, really fast.

Adam lived for a while and had a son just like him, more's the pity. His name was Seth. And then Adam had a whole lot of other kids, got old, and died. The end.

Seth had a kid, too, and named him Enosh. And he got old and he died. Start to see how this is going?

Enosh had a kid... etc. etc. etc. Except the people keep dying younger and younger. Except for old Methuselah, but he always was a bit odd.

But anyway, they all died. Dead as door nails. Don't forget that.

[ 27. January 2008, 05:31: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
 
Posted by alienfromzog (# 5327) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege:
[tangent]
Re: alienfromzog wanting to post Cain & Abel and missing the opportunity, disucssion here. Your thoughts appreciated [Angel]
[/tangent]

Thanks Lynn

I wrote a post last night at work (hadn't quite finished when a very rude patient interrupted by being ill) and then the internet stopped working. D'oh

Anyway,

God said to Cain "I can't find Abel anywhere" And Cain replied "Am I boffered though? I am not boffered, look at my face, does my face look boffered?"

Many thanks to Katherine Tate
 
Posted by GrahamR (# 11299) on :
 
Alienfromzog: [Snigger]

Gen 5:28 - Gen 6:4

Well, one of Methuselah's sons (Lamech) he had a son, called Noah. And when Noah was 500 he had 3 sons Shem, Ham and Japheth (pay attention though, this will be important).

Anyway, whilst Noah was doing who knows what for the first 500 years of his life, well, other people were getting on with having kids. And God started getting worried about how many there were, running around and causing trouble. So, a time limit he set- 120 years and then your number's up!

But, just to add to the confusion, there were Nephilim also having kids. What they were and what they might have done, well, pretty soon it wasn't going to matter anyway...
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
And God took one look at the earth and the people on it and said "Forget this. It's horrible. This isn't what I wanted, I'd be better off recycling it and starting all over again."

But just before he did he had second thoughts and said "Noah, I'm just about to blot out the entire human race, but I think you're OK so I'm making an exception for you. I want you to build this boat, I'll give you all the instructions for DIY. It's strangely shaped, and will probably cost you a small fortune to construct - no, I'm not going to miraculously make it for you - but it'll be worth it. By the way, you have to take your family and a pair of every animal you can find."

"Right," said Noah, who wasn't doing anything anyway, and he set to work.

(Gen 6: 5-22)
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
Then God said, "OK Noah, now I want you and your entire family to get in the boat you've made because you're the only one in the whole world that I see even trying to get it right down there.

"And not only you and the kids. There are going to be animals, .. lots and lots of animals. Seven pairs of every clean animal and birds, and a single pair of every unclean animal.(Yeah, yeah, I know I haven't let anyone know which ones are clean or unclean yet and won't for some time yet, just do as I say and leave the rest to me.) And you are going to do all this because in one week it's going to start raining like hell, and it aint going to quit until every living thing that can't tread water for forty days is dead!"

Seven days later - it started comeing down by the bucket full.

(GEN 7:1-10
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
On 17th February, 600 A.N.* The rain came down and all the drains burst and everything was soaked. But Noah and his family and all the animals and worms and budgies and everything they had rounded up were safe inside the Ark.
It rained for forty days and nights but God had locked them all safe inside and put the key through the letter-box for Noah.

[Genesis 7:11-16] *A.N. = Year of Noah
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
The rains came down and the floods came up
The rains came down and the floods came up
The rains came down and the floods came up
And the mountains were beneath the waves

Everything that can't breath water drowned, as one might expect. Only Noah and the Noahvites with their zoological cargo were safe. For four months the planet was inundated.

Genesis 7:17-24.
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
(dang! that should be "breathe water" not "breath water"!)
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
But God hadn't forgotten Noah, no sir-re-bob. Nor had he forgotten all the critters shut up in that boat with Noah and his family. God decided that enough was enough, and he turned the heavenly water tap off. Things started to dry out then, little by litte. It took a long time. After all, it was an awful lot of water to get rid of. After about five months, on a very lucky seventh day of the seventh month, the water went down enough that Noah's boat crashed into the top of a mountain peak and stuck there. It was good ol' mount Ararat. Another three months went by and other mountain tops began to poke up through the water around them.

(GEN 8:1-5)
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
But anyway, they all died. Dead as door nails. Don't forget that.

I have a question about this, thanks.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
[Hot and Hormonal] [Devil] [Hot and Hormonal]

May I amend? Add

"Except for Enoch, that is. Always an exception to every rule."
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Gen 8:6-14

Forty days after that massive box full of animals and eight genetically-pure humans stopped floating, Noah opened a window and sent out a raven, which was able to fly around and around and around (it was eventually able to land but that didn't tell Noah what was going on). So Noah sent out a dove but the ground wasn't solid enough for her and she returned to the ark and Noah's outstretched hand.

Noah waited seven more days and then sent the dove out again; this time she returned in the evening with a fresh sprig from an olive tree in her beak. Noah was encouraged; the water was going down.

Seven days later Noah sent out the dove yet again - but this time she didn't return. When they had been 10 1/2 months in that ship Noah went up top and tore off some of the roof: he could see dry ground.

One year and 10 days after the floodgates of heaven opened and all the fountains of the deep burst forth the earth was finally dry.
 
Posted by Seelenbräutigam (# 12896) on :
 
And God said to Noah, “You can all come out of the ark now – your family and all the animals. It’s time to fill up the empty planet again.” So Noah came out of the ark, followed by his wife and his sons with their wives. The animals came out in their families, too: walking, flying, slithering out of the ark.

[Genesis 8:17-19]
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
Noah was happy that the long ordeal was over, so he decided to build an altar and sacrifice some of the extra "clean" animals he had been asked to bring in the boat. This he did, and it pleased God very much. So much so, in fact, that God said in his heart, "How childish of me it was to destroy everything. I don't care HOW bad these people of mine mess up, I will NOT handle it this way again. Amen." And then he sang a little song:

As long as the world goes 'round,
Oh, as long as the world goes 'round,
There will be planting and harvesting,
Winter and Summer,
Daytime and evenings,
as long as the world goes 'round!

(GEN 8:20-22)
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
And God said "Never mind what I said to Adam and Eve. Go and have lots of sex and lots of kids. And everything eatable on the earth is yours. But don't eat anything with blood in it (I'll be reminding Shylock about that in a couple of milennia). Everything will respect and fear you -because I've made you like me, and respect and fear are important. Remember that - anyone fucks with you, they'll have me to reckon with. Now off you go and make babies.

[Genesis 9:1-7]

[ 28. January 2008, 13:18: Message edited by: pimple ]
 
Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
God was still doing the talking so no-one could get a word in edgeways. And he made an agreement with Noah and all the other people and all the other animals - all of them, even the little crunchy and slimy ones. He said that things had been pretty bad but, on the whole they were working out, and were going to get better. God promised he would never wipe everything out in one go again. And the world will carry on turning for as long as it exists, and there is going to be weather and plants and food and stuff like that, pretty much however bad people got.

God was so peased with this new policy deal that he announced it twice, having already told everyone about it in the previous chapter. And then he signed both sides of the agreement himself, because he is God and so he can get away with that sort of thing. He didn't sign it on paper but on the sky. In big bright glowing colours, which is only possible because he designed the laws of physics just right so that it would work. Being God, he can get away with that sort of thing as well. And he does like to show off a little bit now and again.

(Genesis 9.8-17)

[ 28. January 2008, 14:13: Message edited by: ken ]
 
Posted by Sarah G (# 11669) on :
 
Noah had three sons, Ham, Shem and Japheth. Noah invented homebrew, and became the first person to get naked while legless.

Ham wandered into his tent, and seeing his dad asleep, got out his mobile, and became the first person to post pictures of a naked drunk person on Youtube. His brothers, having better taste, covered him up.

When Noah woke up, he made Ham do extra chores for forever, but gave the other two presents. Noah lived for 950 years, before dying of stress from blowing out candles on his birthday.

(Genesis 9:18-28)

[ 28. January 2008, 17:06: Message edited by: Sarah G ]
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
And then they got down to the begating that resulted in the world being filled with people,.. lots,.. and lots,.. and lots of people. Cushites, and Ludites, and Anamites, and Lehabites, and Naphtuhites. Not to mention the Pathrusites, Casluhites and even a few Philistines here and there. Oh, and don't forget the Hitites, Jebusites, Amorites, Girgashites, Hivites, Arkites, Sinites, Arvadites, Zemarites and Hamathitites (they are SO much fun) Lots and lots of people, covering the whole world,.. or, at least what we now call the holy land, and the most important of all these "ites" to God, where the Semites.

Genesis 10:1-32

[ 28. January 2008, 19:18: Message edited by: the pilgrim ]
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Anyway, basically they all begat each other. As they were all one big happy family they all spoke the same language, and before long they'd decided to build the world's first skyscraper, because they were fed up with living in boring little mud huts and thought a tower block would be really fashionable and trendy.

And God took one look at it and said, "I'm not having that, before I know where I am the whole earth will be covered with cities with multistorey buildings and car parks, mobile phone masts, fast food outlets and dodgy public transport systems - let's nip this in the bud now."

And suddenly, people found that they were speaking French or Chinese or Xhosa or some such, which was a bit mystifying, and meant they had problems finishing the building, but they soon found others who spoke their own language and wandered off somewhere together agreeing that everyone else was obviously a bit deficient, and founded their own countries.

(Gen 11: 1-9)
 
Posted by BWSmith (# 2981) on :
 
And Shem was Abraham's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. Gen 11:10-26
 
Posted by BWSmith (# 2981) on :
 
And Terah relocated his whole family out of Babylon to the better school districts in Haran, Aram. Gen 11:27-32
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
(Wasn't it cool that there didn't have to be something like a Babelfish for God and people and the snake to be able to talk to each other in Genesis? Speaking of Babelfish....)

Noah's descendants moved out into all that space the flood opened up and found a nice bit of flat land in Shinar. "Hey, let's build ourselves something radical that will make us famous and keep us hanging in there strong together forever. A city and a Tower. A BIG Tower. A Tower that nudges God's gates. Yeah, that's the ticket!"

God took a look and said, "Whoa! I may have spared them, but they are still pretty much fuckwits. A whole planet full of fuckwits united can do whatever damage they want. But a whole planet full of fuckwits who can't understand each other will be slowed down a bit."

Whammo! Zappo!

Now the bricklayers couldn't understand the architects; the drainage people couldn't understand the engineers. And the caterers got all the lunch orders wrong. So the Tower idea was scrapped, and everyone moved to the suburbs where they lived in neighborhoods with their kind of people who spoke their kind of language. Which was the best one, of course.

Genesis 11:1-9

ETA: Damn! Damn! Damn! Well, I refuse to delete it. [Mad] [Waterworks]

[ 28. January 2008, 21:23: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Sigh. Carry on.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by the pilgrim:
...God said in his heart, "How childish of me it was to destroy everything. I don't care HOW bad these people of mine mess up, I will NOT handle it this way again... (GEN 8:20-22)

I'm discussing it here
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Discussion of Gen 9:1-7 and flood-specific nature of 9:11 and maybe observation on chapter 11 follow--
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Gen 12:1-9

The LORD said to Abram, "Leave your country. Leave your relatives. Leave your father's house and go to the land I'm going to show you. And I am going to turn you into a great nation because I am going to bless you. I am going to bless your name with greatness and thus you shall be a blessing. Not only that, I am going to bless the people that bless you and the people who curse you, I am going to curse them. And in you I will bless all of humanity."

Abram, who was 75 years old, took his barren wife Sarai and all their stuff and their servants and left Haran and his nephew Lot went with him. They entered Canaan and, even though the Canaanites were living in the land, the LORD said, "I'm going to give this land to your offspring." And Abram thought that was pretty amazing so he built an altar there, where the LORD appeared to him (this was near Shechem).

And they went on to set up their tents at the mountain, with Bethel to the west and Ai to the east and Abram built another altar and cried out to God. And they continued south, toward the Negev.
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
When Abram got there he found that there was a famine going on, which isn't surprising, considering that the Negev is a desert. So Abram moved his whole crew on down towards Egypt to stay for a time.

When he was about to cross into Egypt he took his wife, Sarai, aside and said, "Look, everyone knows that you are a major league hotty. When these oversexed Egyptian men see you they are going to want me out of the picture so they can make a move on your bod without having to look over their shoulders for a jealous husband type. SO, why not just tell them that I'm your brother! Then they might even treat me GOOD while they flirt with you! What do you say?"

Genesis 12:10-13

[ 29. January 2008, 01:55: Message edited by: the pilgrim ]
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
And sure enough, when they got there, they moved her into the palace and gave Abram lots of toys and goodies for being her brother. But soon they were all coming down with something, if you get my drift, and Pharoah figured out the brother thing was a ruse and sent them packing.

Genesis 12:14-20.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 13

So Abram gathered together all his stuff and his wife, his sheep and cattle, his servants and tents and silver and gold and went back up to the Negev and then on up to the place near Bethel where he made an altar. And Lot was still traveling with his uncle Abram. Abram had lots and lots of stuff and Lot had plenty, too, so the time came when they started feeling cramped in the land (the Canaanites and Perizzites were living there, too) and Lot's guys and Abram's guys started to fight over water and grazing rights.

"Let's not fight; after all, we're family," Abram said. "Take a look at this land, to the left and the right - you decide which way you want to go and I'll go the other way."

Lot was no dummy and he could see that the Jordan valley was lush, with plenty of water, almost like the garden of Eden - so he chose to go east and pitch his tents near Sodom (which already had a bit of a reputation) while Abram went west into Canaan.

After Lot's gone the LORD says to Abram, "Look around you: north, south, east, west - all this land is the land I'm giving to you and your offspring forever. And you're going to have a lot of offspring, like the very dust that covers the earth - you can't count it all, can you? Well, your descendants are going to be like that. So get up and walkabout, all over this land, because I'm going to give it to you."

So Abram moved his tent up to The Oaks at Mamre (in Hebron; really nice place) and he built another altar to the LORD.
 
Posted by alienfromzog (# 5327) on :
 
Genesis 14

Bera was king of Sodom and Birsha was king of Gomorroah. Now, Bera and Birsha got together with Zoar, King of Bela in the valley of Siddim. For 12 years Kedorloaomer had oppressed and controlled them but now they rebelled. Kedorloaomer called on his mates, the kings of shina, Ellasa and Goiim to help him in this war.

Kedorloaomer and his allies basically defeated everyone else. The kings of Sodom, Gomorrah and Bela and now the king of Admah drew up their battle lines in the valley of siddim. It didn't go very well for them, partly because of the tar pits. Kedorloaomer and his allies seized all the goods and food of Sodom and Gomorrah. This included Lot as he was living in Sodom.

One of the men who escaped this battle went and told Abram that his nephew had been captured. So Abram took his 318 trained men and set off in hot pursuit. Abram decided a special-ops night raid was the best plan so he split his men into two groups and attacked. He routed the kings and recovered Lot, all the booty and all the people too.

After defeating the kings Abram met this strange king of Salem called Melchizedek. Some think Melchizedek was the pre-incarnate Christ but for sure he was a priest of God. He blessed Abram and then as a offering of thanks to God, Abram gave him a tenth of all the plunder.

The king of Sodom, obviously grateful for what Abram had done offered Abram all the goods to keep - obviously he wanted his people back. But Abram said "No, thanks, God has made me rich enough and I have taken an oath not to take anything of yours, so here you go mate."
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 15

So the LORD sent a vision to Abram and said to him, "Don't be afraid, Abram-- I am your shield; I am your enormous reward."

But Abram was blue - Sarai still didn't have any children: "What will You give me, Lord? You haven't given me a child and when I'm gone everything will go to Eliezer of Damascus; at least he was born in my house."

But God told him, "No, he won't inherit, but your very own offspring from your very own body - he will inherit." And God metaphorically put His arm around Abram's shoulder and took him out to look at the sky, "Can you see the stars? Can you count them? There are a bazillion of 'em (and no light pollution) - that's how many descendants you're going to have."

And, remarkably, in spite of all appearances to the contrary, Abram believed God and the LORD deposited it as righteousness into Abram's spiritual bank account. He said, "I'm the LORD, I brought you out of Ur, away from the Chaldeans, so I could give you this land - this land is yours."

"Lord, how can I know that?"

God told Abram to bring a 3-year old heifer, a 3-year old female goat, a 3-year old male goat, a turtledove and a young pigeon. Abram brought them all, cut them in half and laid the pieces across from each other. Except for the birds; the birds were in one piece. Eagles and vultures came down and tried to eat the flesh but Abram chased them off.

And then it gets weird: at dusk Abram fell asleep, a very deep sleep. Profound darkness and an overwhelming sense of terror filled him. God said, "Listen: your offspring will be strangers in a strange land and they'll be oppressed and made slaves for 400 years-- this is positively going to happen. But I won't leave them there and I'll judge the nation that oppresses them and they will leave as a mighty people with great riches.

"You, Abram, will die peacefully at a very old age. And in the fourth generation your descendants will come back here because the Amorites have more sinning to do before I'm through with them."

In the dark of the night God cut the covenant Himself, walking between the pieces while appearing like a smoking firebox and a blazing torch; that day the LORD said, "I just gave this land to your offspring, from the river of Egypt all the way to the great river Euphrates, even though many people groups are living here now. I have done this."
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
As we know, Abram's wife, Sarai, was quite a hotty, but she was also getting a little 'long in the tooth' and had no children of her own yet. Despite what God had been telling Abram, the prospects didn't look very good to her. So she decided to get some heirs for Abram by letting him knock up her servant girl, Hagar, who, despite her name, was not at all "Horrible" to look at.

Abram thought this would work out fine (silly man) and perhaps even thought that this might be how God was going to keep his promise of endless progeny in Abram's line. (who knows) In any event, he took to sleeping with Hagar and 'show nuff' she got pregnant.

In short order the rosy cheeked and expanding Hagar began to throw it all up in Sarai's face.

Genesis 16:1-4

[ 30. January 2008, 19:08: Message edited by: the pilgrim ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 16:5-16

So Sarai says to Abram, "This is your fault, all that fixation on having a son! Yeah, I gave you my maid but now that she's pregnant she thinks she's more important than I am! God is going to judge between you and me, mister."

Abram answered, "Hey, she's your maid; I don't want to get in the middle of this. You do what you want."

With this permission, Sarai was really mean to Hagar so Hagar ran away and she stopped by a spring in the wilderness; that's where the Angel of the LORD found her. "Hagar, where have you been and where are you going?"

"I'm running away from Sarai, my mistress (she used to be nice to me but then she made me sleep with her old man and she's been really mean ever since I got pregnant - I thought that was what she wanted! *sheeesh!*)."

But the Angel of the LORD said, "Go back to Abram's household and submit to Sarai's authority over you (because, really, you have been a bit of a pill yourself, haven't you?). I am going to bless you in this pregnancy and your offspring will be too many to count. You are pregnant and you're going to have a son and you will name him 'Ishmael' because God has seen that you've been treated unfairly. He's going to be a wild ass; he's going to fight against everybody and they'll fight back. And he's going to live over on the east side of his brothers."

Hagar said, "God, You who see me - and yet, here I am, still breathing after seeing Him." So the well was called Beer-lahai-roi, between Kadesh and Bered. And sure enough, Hagar gave birth to Abram's son and Abram (who was 86 years old) named him Ishmael.
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
One year before he hit the big one-oh-oh, Abraham saw God, and God said, "It's me, God. Straighten up. I'm going to make a pact with you, like this: you will have a huge swath of the future gene pool."

And Abraham prostrated himself, as you might expect.

And God went on to say that he was going to give him free and clear deed to the land of Canaan. "All you gotta do is cut off the end of your twanger. And your son's twanger. And him his son's twanger, and so forth down the long years. Your servants and slaves and stuff too. Plus change your wife's name to Sarah, and she'll get pregnant."

Then Abraham, who had inexplicably gotten up somewhere in the last paragraph, prostrated himself again, but not before having a good chuckle at God's expense. "Yeah right," he said. "I'm 100 and Sarai -- I mean Sarah -- is 90. These things just don't happen. It's like somebody coming back from the dead or walking on water. Give me a break. Look, why not make Ishmael the founder of my dynasty? Let's not joke about Sarah."

And God said, "One year's time. And Sarah shall have a son. Deal." Exuent God. (he's plural)

And then Abraham did the twanger-chopping thing. At age 99 (Ishmael was 13). Slaves and servants and stuff too. Ouch.

Genesis 17.
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
Abe (he who used to be called Abram) was sitting at the door of his tent at midday when God appeared to him, in the guise of three visitors.
Abe knew immediately what - or rather Who - he was seeing, prostrated himself before them/it (hereinafter referred to as Him) and prevailed upon Him to stop for some light refreshments.

Abe and Sally (she who used to be called Sarai) and their srvants knocked up a light snack of cakes, succulent fresh-killed veal, yogurt and milk (though not in the same dish as the veal, of course) and gave it to Him. And just in case think Abe was suffeing from the heat or his recent operation, I can tell you that Abe stood there and actually watched Him eat. So He wasn't a ghost or an apparition. He was human. But He was also God.

When He saw Sally, he promised to come back in due course and fix it so Sal could have a child. [Abe looked doubtful. but He said "Look, you want a miracle? Meet me half way - sleep with your wife again and see what happens."] *

Sally spluttered with amusement "What, him ?" she said (to herself of course) " - with me ?" You see, they were both very old and he had stopped having, you know, what women have. But He did not see the joke, which made Sally nervous. She got away with it, though, as you'll soon discover.

Genesis 18 *Some ancient authorities omit this verse [Biased]

[ 31. January 2008, 16:09: Message edited by: pimple ]
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
Oh bugger. The edit window's too small! That should be "She had stopped having, you know..."
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
[tangent]
I'm always intrigued that this is the extent of Sarai/Sarah's interaction with God, as recorded in scripture - she laughs, denies it and God says, "you did too laugh." But Hagar gets two profound interactions-- I see a pattern of God ministering to and caring for those without provision; Sarah didn't need Him nearly so much as Hagar did, Sarah had Abraham.
[/tangent]

Genesis 18:16-33

The two 'men' got up and looked down across the land toward Sodom and Abraham accompanied them a little way. So the LORD ponders, "Do I hide from Abraham what I'm about to do? My design is that he will become a great and powerful nation and all humanity will be blessed through him-- in order for all that to happen, he must teach his children and his household the right way to live and how to honor Me."

So the LORD said, "The clamor of Sodom and Gomorrah is deafening and their sin is overwhelming and the complaints are bitter. I've descended to consider and observe whether they're really as bad as all that or did they get a bad rap?"

The two 'men' left for Sodom, leaving Abraham standing in the presence of the LORD (thinking of Lot, no doubt). Trembling Abraham asked, "Will You destroy the righteous with the wicked? What if there are 50 good people living in the city, won't you preserve them and spare the city for their sake? You judge and vindicate all creation, surely You wouldn't destroy 50 good people who just happen to live in a wicked place?"

God told him, "I won't destroy it if I find 50 good people there."

Abraham screwed up his courage and said, "What if the fifty is short by 10% - will you destroy the whole city because of 5 people?"

And God told him, "I won't destroy it if I find 45 good people there."

"How about forty? Will You spare them for forty?"

"I won't destroy it, for the sake of 40 righteous."

"Please don't be angry, LORD! What about 30, would You be merciful for 30?"

"I won't destroy it, for the sake of 30 righteous."

Abraham said, "I've been bold so far; would you believe 20?"

"I won't destroy it, for the sake of 20 righteous."

"Lord, please don't be angry with me as I speak one last time: what if there are only 10 found?"

"I won't destroy it, for the sake of the ten," and as soon as He finished speaking He left. Abraham walked back home (troubled but relieved, because surely Lot had surrounded himself with 9 good people).
 
Posted by alienfromzog (# 5327) on :
 
Genesis 19:1-29

So, these two guys (who we all know by now were actually angels) arrive in Sodom around sundown. Lot was sitting in the gate of the city, kicking back and relaxing. Now Lot wasn't a stupid as he looked and he realised they were important so he invited them back to his place for the night.
"No," they replied "We'll kip in the square"
"Not a chance, come-on, I insist."
"Oh alright then," then said "lead on"

So Lot fed them and got them settled in the guest rooms - toothbrushes, soap-on-a-rope, fresh towels, the lot if you pardon the pun... anyway, whilst this was going on there was a bit of a Mardi Gras going on in the street as all the men of the town surrounded Lot's place and demanded that Lot sent the men out so they could have sex with them. [Eek!]

Now, as we know Lot was a good bloke, and he went to the guys of the town, making sure he closed the door behind him so they couldn't just rush him and said "No, my friends, do not do this really evil thing, they are guests in my house you shall not touch them, they are under my protection. I would let you have what I value most in this world - my own daughters rather than betray that trust."
"Bugger off" (sorry bad pun again!) they said "Look you're an immigrant here and there's no way we, as Daily Sodom Mail readers are gonna let an immigrant judge us coz we are the right-thinking silent majority! well we were until we starting speaking, anyway..."

So they went to break down his door. Lot was in a bit of a spot here. On the up side these blokes were not exactly ordinary, so firstly they got Lot back in the house and then they struck blind all the men outside the door. Neat trick! Daughters must have been relieved too!

The two men/angels then told Lot to gather all the people who belonged to him and run from the city - and quickly as they were (unsurprisingly) feeling that destruction was the best plan at this point.

So Lot went and found the two young men who were engaged to his daughters;
"Come with me," he pleaded, "God is about to destroy the city!"
"Pull the other one Lot," they replied, "it's got bells* on!" Despite much trying of Lot's part they couldn't stop laughing long enough to listen.

Soon the dawn was approaching and the angels started to get a bit anxious:
"Lot, mate hurry up, you really really don't want to get caught in the back-wash of this thing. Trust us. See those mountains over there; run and this bit is important, don't whatever you do, look back."
Lot wasn't too keen on the mountains so he persuaded them to let him go to a nearby village and for them to not destroy said village.

So Lot and his wife and daughters pull into the village at sunrise. At this point God does a little pyrotechnical act on Sodom and Gomorrah, destroying the whole lot. (No pun this time.) Lot's wife, sadly wasn't quite as smart as Lot and hadn't paid attention to everything and she thought she'd have a good look and see what the fire from heaven looked like. "I mean," she thought "What will I tell the grandchildren; 'so, granny, tell us, what was it like when God destroyed Godom and Somorrah? Please tell us...please' 'Sodom and Gomorrah...well, to be honest, I didn't actually see anything.' 'oh. Bye granny.'" Sadly she looked back. This was a big mistake, I mean it's around 2000 years from this point until Jesus told his followers to be salt and light, and I don't think he meant it literally in this way. On the upside if you find yourself eating chips in this part of the desert, you only need to take your own vinegar.

The next day Abraham had a look and saw that God had destroyed the cities as he said he would.

AFZ


*Hebrew scholars debate the exact meaning of this word as it is not clear that bells - as we would understand them had as yet been invented. It is possible that it referred to a cart-load of scrap metal. Many dodgy pedlars toured the ancient world selling scrap metal as gold or silver. Their carts (hand-, rather than oxen-drawn) were known for their tinkling sound from all the scraps of metal and 'bells' is thought to refer to these scraps. This is first place in history this phrase has been documented; pull the other one - it's got bells on ; meaning an obvious fake or ruse.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 19:28-38

The whole land around Sodom was smoking like a massive furnace, really dramatic (and no doubt scary for Abraham).

But Abraham was right about the nature of God: He didn't destroy the righteous with the wicked; His angels rescued Lot, who didn't stay in Zoar with his daughters but went up into the mountains and lived in a cave-- a little freaked out.

And, of course, when Dad is freaked the kids are freaked and so the oldest daughter turned to her younger sister and said, "we're the last people on earth and we'll all die off if we don't do something. Let's get Dad drunk and then we'll, you know, and that way our family will survive."

So they did. Lot was so drunk he didn't even know what happened. The next day the younger sister did the same thing and they both got pregnant by their father. The oldest daughter named her son Moab (the Moabites come from him) and the younger daughter named her son Ben-Ammi and the Ammonites are his offspring.


(kind of a bizarre mirror with Lot's offer of his daughters to the ravenous crowd--)
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
After all this Abe and Sarah moved back to the Negev, which they had always thought was a much nicer neighborhood. That is, until Abimelech, the King of Gerar, started making eyes at Sarah, who was still a "hotty" at age 90.

Old habits are hard to break, and again Abraham went around saying of his wife, "She's just my sister, REALLY!" What a guy! So King Abimelech sent for Sarah and took her into the palace.

Genesis 20:1-2
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
Abimelech realized something was up, though. He didn't touch her and dialed up God, saying, "He said she was his sister, what's up with that? Don't hold this against my people!"

"Yeah," God said, "you're okay. I kept you from sinning cos I knew your heart was in the right place. Send her back and I'll have him pray for you. Believe it or not he's a prophet. Your people are safe."

And Abimelech had a cabinet meeting where they discussed the thing with fear and trembling. They summoned Abraham and said, "Look, pal, that was a dirty deed. God could have wiped out the whole nation. What's up with you?"

"I was afraid of dying," he said. "And she kind of is my sister, coming as we do from a small town. So I asked her to lie to save my own skin."

Then Abimelech gave him nice gifts and a free ticket to move wherever he wanted in the kingdom. Finally wearying of talking to Abraham, he told Sarah he was giving Abraham money to atone for moving her into the palace.

Abraham prayed for Abimelech and God, who contrary to what was said above punished him by preventing all his womenfolk from having kids, removed the curse.

Gen 20:3-18
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
God really did have a soft spot in his heart for Sarah, and finally the time came to keep his promise that she would mother Abraham's child. Well, 'Sho nuff,' she soon had a bun in the oven.

When the tyke made his entry Abraham named him Issac. When he was eight days old his dad nipped the tip off his tallywhacker just as God had commanded and what a party they had!

Gust think of it! Abraham, one hundred years old! Sarah, ninty years old! Sarah laughed and laughed and laughed, and everyone who was there and had seen it with their own eyes laughed with her. Who would have thunk it?

Genesis 21: 1-7
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
But of course, nothing stays happy forever. The anklebiter turned into a toddler, and Abraham threw a big party to celebrate. But big brother Ishmael was teasing him, in a typical annoying teenager way, and Sarah (who had a monstrous case of PMS) said, "Get that bitch and her no-good son out of my face, my baby's not sharing anything with HIM, ya hear me!?!"

Abraham was like, "WTF? It's my kid too."

But God said, "Stop freaking out and just do what your wife says, after all you wouldn't be in this mess if you'd gotten the term of my promise straight from the beginning. Isaac is the da man. But I know you love Ishmael, so I'll make him a great nation too."

And Abraham stifled the rude things he wanted to say and went away and did as he was told.

Genesis 21 verses 8-13

[ 02. February 2008, 00:57: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
So the next morning Abraham got up very early and packed some bread and water and set them on Hagar's shoulder so she would have her arms free to hold the boy. Then he sent them away. Hagar walked straight out into the sunrise until she was alone in the wilderness of Beersheba.

Genesis 21: 14
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
Now comes one of the most heartbreaking scenes in the whole Good Book IMHO. Hagar keeps walking until she plumb runs out of water. She looks around and it's like 'Death Valley at high noon' baby!

The kid is pretty well out of it already, so she gets him arranged as comfortably as she can in the shade of a shrub and walks off so that she was still near him but can't see him or hear him moan as he dies. Then she starts bawling her eyes out. If you aren't tearing up a bit yourself just reading about it, there's something wrong with you.

Genesis 21:15-16
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
Amen. It's appropriate to take a pause here. It's good to remember that among all the violence of the OT there is real pathos. These writers - many of them - knew their stuff.

In case you misread me, I mean that they read the human situation - as well as the divine - with great insight and compassion - two aspects not always fully appreciated by those affronted by all the gore (like me).
 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
It was truly a scene of sadness and desperation as Hagar sobbed in the desert. Surely she must have wondered what she had done wrong to end this way. She had been born an Egyptian Princess! When her father had presented her to the handsome and charismatic Abraham she truly thought her noble destiny was to be fulfilled, but her joyous wedding plans had been dashed into humiliation and panic when she learned that the beautiful woman Sarah was his true wife and not his sister.

From princess to slave in one fell swoop and then later to be used as a vessel for "Sarah's" child. Haggar's only real happiness had come as a mother who loved her son even as she had to take second claim on him.

Now she was watching him die.

Seven times, legend has it, Haggar climbed the surrounding mountains looking for water. Now she was too exhausted to go on and the only sound in the desert was her son's crys of pain.

At the last moment, an angel appeared before Haggar. As angels must always do, he first assured Haggar not to be afraid. Then the angel told her that God had heard Ishmael crying and everything was going to be just fine. Haggar was to lift her son up and take him by the hand. God was going to make him the head of a great family-nation.

Then he showed Haggar a well and they drank and drank.

God watched over Ishmael as he grew-up in the Desert of Paran and he turned out to be a fine archer.

Haggar went to Eygpt to chose a wife for him from her own people.

Genesis 21: 17-20
 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
{ Note: Islamic traditions added to Haggar's story}
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
Now Abimelech, and Phicol his generalissimo, whoever they are, came down to see Abraham 'cause they had heard God was on his side and didn't want any trouble from that direction.

"You've got God on your side," Abimelech said to Abraham, "that much is clear. Now we've been good to you while you've been here, haven't we? Yes, by golly we've been good to you. So promise us you won't screw us over."

"Sure," said Abraham. "But about this well..."

"Well? What well?" said Abimelech. "First I've heard of it."

"Your servants took it from me. I swear I dug it, really. Take these sheep" (presents sheep).

"Um, yeah, thanks. Why the sheep?" said Abimelech

"Take them as earnest money that I dug this well."

So they made their agreement, and Abimelech and Phicol headed off back home. Abraham planted a tamarinth tree and called the place "Beersheba" which is Hebrew for "We made a pact here and I planted a tamarinth tree and gave some sheep to prove I wasn't lying about a well."

Then he prayed to God using the names "YHWH" and "Eternal God", and for a long while he was surrounded by Philistines.

Gen 21:22-32
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[pardon me]


quote:
Originally posted by BWSmith:
And Shem was Abraham's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. Gen 11:10-26

[Snigger] [Snigger] [Snigger]

[sorry, carry on.]
 
Posted by alienfromzog (# 5327) on :
 
A few years later, (some say as many as 30...) God tested Abraham.

"Hey Abraham!"
"Yes God?" Abraham replied,
"Take Isaac, your son, whom you love more than anything else in the world and go to Moriah. In the mountains there sacrifice him as a burnt offering."
"Um....ok" Abraham replied doubtfully

At dawn Abraham and Isaac and two servants set out for Moriah with lots of chopped wood for the burnt offering. After three days of travelling Abraham could see the place God had in mind so he told the his servants to wait and he and Isaac went on alone.

As they walked Isaac notice there was something missing;
"Dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"We have fire and wood but no lamb for the burnt offering, what's up with that?" Abraham replied;
"God will provide the lamb."

So when they reached the place God had told Abraham about, he built an altar and put the wood on it. Then he bound his son on top of the wood and took the knife the slay Isaac.

(It's all a bit tense isn't it....)

At the last moment a voice from heaven called:
"Abraham, Abraham!"
"yes?"
"Don't harm the boy. I know that you fear God because you have not withheld from me your only son"

When Abraham looked up, in the thicket he saw a ram and sacrificed that instead. The place is now called Yaweh will provide.

Then that voice from heaven came again:
"I swear by me, says Yaweh, because you did not withhold even your son from me I will massively bless you. Look at the stars (still no light pollution) and think of the sand by the sea - I will make your descendants as numerous as these. They will take possession of the cities of your enemies but more than that - through them I will bless all nations on earth."

So then they all went home.

Genesis 22: 1-19
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
"Dear Abraham,

I hope this reaches you safely. Where have you and Isaac been? . I keep telling your brother Nahor to write but, as you'll see in a minute, he has been rather busy...

Anyway, Nahor and Milcah have eight kids now - Uz, Buz (where do they get these names from?) -
Kemuel, Chesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph and Bethuel. Actually, Kemuel's hardly a kid now - married with a child of his own called Aram. Now that's what I call a nice name.

Well anyroad after Ches, Haz, Pill, Jiddle and Beth (in fairly quick succession), Milcah said 'Enough boyo!' so he had a few more children
with his live-in comforter Reumah. They're called Tebah, Gaham (Nahor never could pronounce hi Rs_) Tahash and Maacah.

Isn't it time we all got together for a hootnanny?"

Editor's note: sender unknown. Bethuel became the father of Rebekah, who in due course married Isaac.

Genesis 22:20-24

[ 04. February 2008, 17:15: Message edited by: pimple ]
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
It probably was time for a party, but by now Sarah was 127 (or so she said: nobody wanted to contradict her) but before they could have a birthday party for her, she died. So Abraham consulted his local Hittite estate agent, who sold him a field with trees and a cave for the bargain price of Sh.400 (which was about four times what it was actually worth: the trees and cave meant it wasn't any good for farming) and buried her in the cave.

(Gen 23: 1-20)
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
FWIW, I'd like to see this thread remain a paraphrase of scripture rather than bringing in legends from other faiths. Here, if you want to discuss it.


Genesis 24:1-9

Now Abraham was one old dude (maybe not compared to the guys in Genesis 5 but ancient as we reckon old) and he called his most-trusted servant and said, "Put your hand under my thigh," which is to say, "Take hold of my three-piece-set," and made him promise not to let Isaac marry a Canaanite girl but to go and fetch him a bride from his family back in Ur. "But whatever you do, don't take Isaac back there!"

"Um, how am I supposed to manage this? Bring a wife for Isaac but she doesn't get to meet him first?"

So Abraham told him, "The LORD, the God of Heaven Who took me from that place and has blessed me and promised to give this land to my descendants after me, He will make it possible; He will send His angel with you. But if the woman isn't willing to come back to marry Isaac, you will be released from this oath. But whatever you do, don't take my son back there!"

So the servant put his hand under Abraham's thigh and swore to do the job to Abraham's specifications.
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
The servant took ten of Abraham's best camels, packed up a lot of really nice stuff for gifts, and set out for Abraham's old stomping grounds around Nahor in Aram Naharaim. When he got there it was coming on to the hour when the young women would come out to draw water from the town well in the cool of the evening air.

Now Abraham's servant was no dummy. He knew that the only way this whole project was going to turn out well would be if Abraham's God had his hand in the mix. So he lifted up a little prayer something like this; 'Yahweh, God of my master, It's time to show how much you love Abraham. Please help me out here. I've got no idea what kind of a bride to pick out for young Isaac, so I'm putting it in your hands. I'm just going to pick out one of these young ladies coming out to draw water and ask her to give me a drink. If she replies "Drink your fill and I'll water your camels too," I'll know that she is the one you have chosen to be Isaac's bride, and that you really do love Abraham.'

The servant hadn't even finished the prayer when who should he see coming down the lane to the well with a water jug but the beautiful local homecoming queen, Rebekah, the daughter of Abraham's own nephew, Bethuel. She was a knockout, and as pure as the driven snow. The servant watched as she filled her water jug and then took off after her on a dead run.

When he had caught up to her he asked, 'May I have a sip of water?' She replied, 'You betcha! And while your wettin' your whistle, why don't I just draw some water for your ten camels too!'

This she did, and Abraham's servant could hardly believe his eyes. He didn't know what to say!
'Could Abraham's God really have answered his prayer so quickly?' he thought to himself.

Genesis 24:10-21

[ 05. February 2008, 02:45: Message edited by: the pilgrim ]
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
So once the camels had drunk their fill (which is to say, several hours later), the man took out a really stylish nose-ring and a couple of nice bracelets (we're not talking cheap mall franchise junk either), and he gave them to the maiden. "So who's your daddy?" he asked.

And she spilled her whole family tree (daughter of Bethuel, whose folks were Micah and Nahor), and indicated that he could come to their house, and they had plenty for the camels to eat.

So he praised God saying, "Hot dang, pay dirt! Blessed be the God of my master Abraham! He wanted relatives and here we are!"

But when he finished praying and looked up she was gone -- she ran ahead to the house, and told everybody what had happened. Her brother Laban saw all the fancy bling and went out to meet the servant, and said, "Wow, clearly you and God have an agreement. Don't stand outside, come on it! I made everything ready for you and your camels in the space of the last two paragraphs!"

So they took care of his camels, and gave him water to wash his feet, and brought him food. But he said, "Whoa! I'd rather not eat until I tell you why I'm here."

"Spill it!" said Laban. "We're all ears."

Genesis 24:22-33
 
Posted by scribbler (# 12268) on :
 
"So it's like this," the servant said. "You know that feeling you get when you find a twenty in the pocket of a jacket you haven't worn in a year? That's how my boss, Abraham, feels all the time. The LORD has totally hooked him up--cash, camels, Camel Cash, an entourage--even Abraham: The Next Generation long after everyone thought the franchise was over. What he wants, he gets. And next on the list is a wife for his son from his people, your people. (Not those honey-breathed Canaanites!)

"And I was totally like, 'What if little miss theknot.com doesn't feel like joining Team Abraham?'"

But my boss said, "The LORD will send his angel before you, and I'm talking theologically-murky-but-potentially-pre-incarnate-Jesus angel, not some Botticelli cherub. So park that whambulance and fetch the wife from my people. Buy the ticket, take the ride"

Genesis 24:34-41

[ 05. February 2008, 04:30: Message edited by: scribbler ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
[Killing me]

Genesis 24:42-67

The servant continued: "So I asked the LORD, Abraham's God, if He would give favor to my task, to cause the maiden whom I ask for water to not only offer water to me but also offer to water my camels. And almost before I finished praying in my heart your Rebekah appeared with her jar - so I asked and she answered exactly as I prayed she would.

"I asked, 'Who's your daddy?' and she told me y'all - the exact right family and everything-- so a little bling was called for, methinks. And while she watered the camels I bowed down to Abraham's God because, whoa, that was quick!

"So let me know if you're going to honor this request because otherwise I'm wasting my time and need to look for someone else."

Rebekah's fathter Bethuel and her brother Lot looked at each other, "What can we say? Clearly this is a God thing-- here is Rebekah before you (and looking at her we can tell this is all pretty exciting and appealing; none of the other offers have been this attractive or mystical - we think she's up for it) - take her and go."

Once again the servant bowed to the ground to honor the LORD. Then he brought out a large amount of gold, silver, rich garments and many other items of great value; he gave most of it to Rebekah but he also was very generous with her brother and her mother.

The servant and the company with him ate and drank and spent the night. In the morning he said, "I'm ready to get back to my master," but Lot and his mother said, "Oh, not so soon! Let Rebekah stay a few more days --say, oh, ten-- and then you can go."

"I really need to get back to Abraham and let him know this joyous outcome; please don't delay me!"

And they shrugged and said, "We'll let Rebekah decide." And Rebekah was ready to start living her new life and didn't particularly want to hang around another ten days while Lot thought of more reasons to delay her departure.

So she left with her maid and Abraham's servant and all his company and her family blessed her: "May you become millions upon millions and may your offspring possess the gate of those who hate them." Which was a really cool blessing in that time, even if it sounds kind of weird to us now.

In the meantime, Isaac came from the well at Lahai-roi because he'd been living in the Negev; he went out in the field to meditate as the evening fell and he saw a company of camels approaching.

Rebekah saw him and dismounted, "Who is that (rather fine, if I do say so myself) man in the field? He's coming to meet us--" and the servant answered, "That is my master, your intended." So she covered herself with her veil.

Meanwhile the servant told Isaac all the wonderful details and Isaac drew Rebekah into the fine tent which had belonged to his mother Sarah. Isaac caught her up and embraced her and kissed her and he wouldn've inspired Rudolph Valentino.

And so it was that Rebekah became his wife and Isaac was comforted because he still grieved for his mother.

[ 05. February 2008, 23:44: Message edited by: Lynn MagdalenCollege ]
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
Being the randy ol' duffer that he was, Abraham took another wife, Keturah, who turned out to be quite the fertile filly. She bore Abraham six more children, who in turn started the nations of the Asshurites, Letushites, Leummites and various other 'ites'.

But Abraham cared for none of them as he did for Isaac. When he realized that he was reaching the end of his rope, Abraham gave his concubines and their children some really nice stuff and sent them all on their way to unspecified lands to the east, so that they wouldn't cause any trouble, and then left everything else that he had to his boy, Isaac.

When he reached the ripe old age of a hundred and seventy-five Abraham kicked the bucket, as we are all bound to do sooner or later.

Funerals have a funny way of bringing families back together again, and this one was no exception. Believe it or not, Ishmael flew in on the red-eye to be there in time to help Isaac bury the old man next to Sarah, in the cave that the family had bought years ago from Ephron the Hitite.

God then blessed Isaac, who moved to a new place down neer Beer Lahai Roi.

Ishmael wasn't doing so bad either. He had twelve sons of his own, each of whom became the head of his own tribe! When Ishmael reached the even riper old age of a hundred and and thirty-seven, he expired as well (again, as we are all bound to do sooner or later). His descendants all moved off in the direction of Egypt, and became one feudin', fightin', fussin', bunch of folk to deal with.

GENESIS 25:1-18

[ 06. February 2008, 16:39: Message edited by: the pilgrim ]
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
But enough about Ishmael, let's talk about Isaac Abrahamson again. Isaac had hit the big four-oh when his dad's servant brought back Rebekah, who was some kind of relation to Isaac already because of her dad being Bethuel and her brother being Laban, even if they were living back in Aram.

And whaddya know, Rebekah couldn't have kids either. Which makes you wonder if maybe it's the male side of the family that was shooting blanks, seeing as Abraham's wife spent a long time without kids either, but this is Isaac's story so we're going to blame it all on someone else, like say Rebekah.

Anyway, Isaac prayed about this saying "Father God, I just wanna say that I really wanna have a kid and your daughter Rebekah wants to have a kid, and I just wanna say, Father God, that I thank you for laying it on my heart to want a kid, and on your daughter Rebekah's heart to want a kid, and Father God, if it's your will, could you make it so that sometime when your daughter Rebekah and I are playing hide the salami, that we could get a bun in the oven?"

So the Lord said yes.

And it turned out that Rebekah had two buns in the oven and they were rising in a tumultous and clamourous way, and Rebekah said, "This sucks."

And the Lord said "Well of course it does, you have two whole nations inside of you, and they're going to keep fighting, and not only that, the younger is going to be like younger brothers everywhere and get whatever he wants and the older brother is going to have to do what he says."

Well, lo and behold, Rebekah went into labor, and guess what? It was just as the Lord said. And the first one came out all red, which isn't so surprising in a new-born baby, but he was also all hairy, which is surprising, so they called him Hairy. And the other one came out right away because the grasping bugger had grabbed onto Hairy's heel, so they called him Holds The Heel. By this time Isaac had hit the big six-oh.

Genesis 25:19-26
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 25:27-34

Esau a.k.a. Hairy was a real outdoorsman: a great hunter, a master at ranching; Yakov was gentle and hung around the tents and, as is sometimes the case with two parents and two kids, Itzchak had a special relationship with Esau and Rebekah loved that Jacob (and maybe she told him about what the LORD said to her when she was pregnant--).

So one day Jacob's home as usual, making a really nice pot of red chili, and Esau has been out toiling in the hot sun and he's faint with hunger. "Hey!" he says, "let me have some of that red stew because it smells good and I'm wasting away here" (this is where he gets the nickname 'Red' a.k.a. Edom).

But there are no flies on Jacob and he's always figuring a way to get ahead of Esau so he just comes right out and says, "Sure, if you sell me your rights as the firstborn son."

And Esau wasn't always the sharpest tack in the drawer and at the moment he can't see any value in being the firstborn son, "I'm going to die; what does my birthright mean to me?"

"Swear?" Jacob asked.

"Yes, alright already! I swear!"

So Jacob smiled a smug little smile and served up a nice hearty portion of that red chili pottage soup stew stuff and a big hunk of fresh bread. Esau sat down and tucked in, finished it off, wiped his mouth with his arm, belched, and went back out to the fields.

What little regard Esau had for his rights as the firstborn!
 
Posted by Swish (# 8566) on :
 
Now History has a way of repeating itself, especially Biblical History. Once again there was a famine, or time of hunger, and Isaac must have been pondering a trip to Egypt like his dad. God being God had different ideas and told him to stay in a town called Gerar so that the descendants-like-stars prophecy might come true.

Issac was a lot like his dad and when he realised how good looking his wife Rebekah was (seems Abraham and his family were either good looking or just got really lucky with their wives) decided on the tried and tested method of lying and saying that she was his sister. Didn't work well, and when King Abimelech found out, he had a go at Isaac about it and decided, being nicer and more honest than Isaac, to protect them both.

(Gen 26 v1-11)
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 26:12-35

Isaac was doing really well. Really well. And the Philistines were going a bit green with envy so Abimelech said, "You'd best be moving along..."

And the Philistines had filled the wells dug by Abraham with earth, so when Isaac left he went to Gerar, settled, and re-dug the well his father Abraham had established there and called it by the name his father gave it. It was a good well with deep flowing water but the herdsmen of Gerar fought with Isaac's people, claiming the water as their own. So Isaac renamed it "Esek," which means 'contention.'

Isaac re-dug another well and the local herdsmen quarreled over that one, too; so he renamed it "Sitnah," which means 'strife.'

Isaac moved farther away and dug a third well; this one they didn't fight over so he called it "Rehoboth" because at last there was enough room.

Then Isaac moved up to Beersheba and right away the LORD showed up: "Don't be afraid! I am the God of your father Abraham and I'm with you, I'm going to bless you and give you a vast number of descendants because of the promise I made My servant, your father Abraham." And Isaac thought that was a good thing and he built an altar there and worshiped the LORD.

Meanwhile his servants were digging another well.

Then Abimelech showed up with his adviser (Ahuzzath) and military chief (Philcol) and Isaac said, "What's up with this? You send me away and then you come calling?"

After hemming and hawing a bit, the three came right out and said, "Look, we can see that the LORD has blessed you and made you strong and wealthy, so let's have a treaty between us, what say? You won't hurt us, just as we sent you away without harm."

And Isaac thought about it and said, "I'll drink to that," and so they did - and had a nice feast while they were at it.

In the morning shortly after they left Isaac's servants came in from digging the well and said, "We found water," so Isaac named it "Shebah," which means 'an oath.' That's why the place is called Beersheba to this very day.

But enough about Isaac and wells: Esau was now 40 years old and he married a local Hittite girl named Judith and another local Hittite girl named Basemath and these two wives were a torment to Isaac and Rebekah.
 
Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Gen. 27:1-40

He-Laughed was humming a ditty (to the tune Doe of the Morning, of course), “My eyes are dim, I cannot see; I have not brought my specs with me.” This put him in mind of feeling cold, losing contact with his legs and lights at the end of tunnels, so he decided to put his affairs in order.

“Oi, Hairy-One,” he bellowed, “Remember I used to tell you that one day all this will be yours? Well today's the day. First things first, though; go shoot something tasty and serve it up. I'd do it meself, you know, but me rheumatics are playing up and me wounds from falling down all them wells me blasted servants kept digging....” But Hairy-One had already gone with his trusty bow and merry men.

Now, unbeknown to either of them (but about to be known to you, gentle reader), the woman of the tent, She-Noose, had been doing a bit of the old ear-flapping in the background. Post-haste, she put into practice a devious scheme of her own devising that she had prepped for some time, ready for just this occasion. She short-circuited the tasty-food routine by sending out her younger son, Heel-Grabber, to the local to fetch the fast food version of kebab, with a view to subverting the blessing routine. Heel-grabber was quick to note a flaw in the scheme – to wit his overindulgence with hair-removing unguent.

She-Noose was not named a trapper for nothing. She attired Heel-Grabber with Hairy-One's togs and patched Heel-Grabber's exposed skin with Hair of Goat. Step forward one hairy heel with kebab, ready to travel.

Just as well, because He-Laughed was confused (something to do with age, apparently); he heard Heel-Grabber's voice, but smelt Hairy-One's clothes. Throwing caution to the winds, however, He-Laughed went ahead and coughed up the family blessing.

Time passed and, Lo! (one needs to say that from time to time) in from the hunt came the really Hairy-One. Plot was uncovered and pleas entered, to no avail. The Dastardly Deed was Done and Dusted. Hairy-One's lineage was doomed to work for that of the Heel-Grabber. The only consolation He-Laughed could offer his first son was that 2 Kings 8:20-22 would come eventually.

The moral of this story is: If you really want the last laugh in this world, avoid snares by doing your blessing while you are still in control of your faculties. Otherwise you won't know heel from hair.
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
Well, as you might expect, the red and hairy brother was more than a wee bit put out over what his thieving younger sib had done to trick him out of his father's blessing. So he said to himself, (and to anyone else who might be listening) "Pops ain't long for this world now, and once he kicks the bucket, and we get him in the grave good and proper, I'm gona KILL that no good *&$#@* brother of mine!"

Well word of what Esau was saying got around to Mom, and when she heard it she sent for her younger son and told him to high-tail it over to Uncle Laban's place and hole-up there until ol' Esau calmed down a bit (a few years, at the least). When he did, she would send word for Jacob to come home.

Then Mom went and talked things over with Pops. "Your boy Esau's two Hittite floozies make me want to vomit! If Jacob hooks up with one of their sisters you might as well shoot me!"

So Pops called in Jacob, blessed him again, and told him about Mom's prejudice against the local girls. "Go visit your Mom's folks, boy, and find yourself a cousin to marry. It's a bit of a family tradition you know. May the Good Lord bless you lad, and may you have more kids than you know what to do with, oodles of em, so that they spread out over this whole land God gave to your Grandpa." And with that Isaac sent Jacob on his way.

When older brother Esau learned what had happened he finally wised up about how Mom and Dad felt about his choice in babes. So he took a short trip himself to visit uncle Ishmael, and he married one of his grand daughters thinking it might help make things better at home. (yea, right! ha, ha, ha!)

Genesis 27:41 - 28:9
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 28:10-22

Thus Jacob left Beersheba and hied himself off toward Haran. But it's a long journey and he stopped to sleep after the sun set; he took a stone and put it under his head (now, if you're like me, this has always bothered you - a stone?! for a pillow? - but perhaps he just needed to align his spine).

Jacob had a dream. In this dream there was a ladder upon the earth that stretched all the way into heaven and God's angels were climbing up and climbing down upon the ladder. And the LORD stood at the top of the ladder and said, "I am the LORD, God of Abraham, God of Isaac. This place where you're sleeping? I'm going to give it to you and your descendants - and you're going to have a lot of descendants; you'll spread west and east and north and south and you and your offspring will be a blessing to all the people of the earth. I'm going to watch over you and be with you and bring you back to this land; I won't leave until I've done everything I've promised."

Jacob woke up and said, "Wow! What a dream! What a place! GOD is in this place and I didn't even know it. This is God's house and heaven's gate." So he put up a pillar and put the stone (the pillow-stone) on top of the pillar and poured oil on top - and he called the place Bethel (which means 'house of God') even though the locals called it Luz.

And Jacob promised that if God would protect him and provide for him and see him safely back to his father's home, he would give 10% of everything to God.
 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
Gen 29 1-14

Heel-grabber continued on his journey, hoping to find some friends soon, since he’d run away from home in a hurry without any food or clean underwear.

Later in the day, he ran into a group of shepherds with their sheep. Then the head shepherd’s daughter, Little Lamb appeared. Heel-grabber fell in love with her at first sight and cried because Little Lamb was so BEAUTIFUL.

Little Lamb’s father turned out to be Heel-grabber’s Uncle Laban and he invited Heel-grabber to stay.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 29:15-35

Uncle Laban said, "Hey, we're family - I should pay you something for your labor - what do you think?"

And moonstruck Jacob said, "I'll work seven years for your goodlookin' younger daughter, the Little Lamb" (because, you know, the older daughter's eyes are Weary). And that sounded good to Laban: better his girl should marry within the family.

And because Jacob was so smitten the years flew by and soon he said, "Hey! It's been seven years; give me my wife!" So Laban threw a big party and celebrated with a lot of wine and Jacob was rather pie-eyed when he went in to his wife so when he woke in the morning he had a terrible shock! There was Leah of the weary eyes and not his delightful little Rachel Lamb. Horrors!

"AUGH! What have you done to me? Whey did you deceive me?! I worked for Rachel, not Leah!" And Laban said, "Calm down, calm down - it's not right to marry the younger daughter before the older. Finish her week and then you can have Rachel... for another seven years' work!"

So pretty soon Jacob had two wives and each wife had her own maid servant: Tricksy was Leah's maid and Rachel's maid was Bothered. Jacob loved his Little Lamb more than Leah.

The LORD saw that Leah was unloved, so He caused her to be fertile; she had a son and said, "Look, a son! Now my husband will love me."

And she had another son and said, "The LORD heard I am unloved and gave me a second son."

And she had a third son and said, "Finally my husband will become attached to me," (and still Jacob loved Rachel more).

Leah had a fourth son and this time she said, "I will praise the LORD." And then she didn't get pregnant again.


{Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah}
 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
(Apparently no one likes the looks of this chapter, so in the interests of keeping the story moving, I'll have a go...)

Leah had had four babies and Rachel hadn't had any, and she was feeling a bit smug that just for once she'd managed to get one up on her pretty sister. Consequently Rachel got all upset and said to Jacob 'Why does Leah have all the babies and I don't have any? It's not fair, I want babies too'. Fertility treatment wasn't available on the NHS yet and Jacob said 'What I am supposed to do about it?' So Rachel came up with the plan that she would give him her maid for an extra wife and any babies that the maid had would count as hers. That's what they did and the maid had a baby and Rachel felt a bit better.

Leah felt a bit threatened by this even though she was still winning really (she had four babies, all her own and Rachel only had one, and that one was kind of cheating) so she gave Jacob her maid too, to make sure she'd keep her place in the pecking order. Result: baby can't remember how many.

Leah's son went out in the fields and found some mandrakes, and apparently he didn't think there was anything weird about giving your mother an aphrodisiac so she can have sex with your father. Rachel and Leah squabbled about them, but eventually Leah won the catfight and got pregnant again and had another son. (Oh, and she had a girl too, which we wouldn't normally bother to tell you about, this being patriarchy and all, but you need to know because something noteworthy happens to her in a few chapters time).

Finally Rachel got pregnant and had her own baby.

Looking after that many wives and babies is kind of expensive, so Jacob decided he needed to consolidate his financial position and negotiated a sheep sharing settlement with his father-in-law. They agreed that Laban would have all the plain coloured sheep and Jacob could have all the spotty ones. Being very cunning, Jacob came up with a plan to make sure all the lambs would end up spotty by putting spotty things in front of them when they were mating. The sheep hadn't heard of genetics so this worked.

By the end of all this, Jacob had four wives, twelve (I think...) children, lots of sheep and a big shortage of peace and quiet.

Gen 30
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
- - - - -
Reminder: we don't have to tackle a whole chapter at a time (but thanks, lady in red!). I've been trying not to double-post but once a day is okay, so I may contribute back-to-back if nobody else has contributed in the interim; more than once a day is good, if the thread picks up.

BTW, Benjamin hasn't been born yet. And I don't know that Bilhah and Zilpah are considered wives; I think they're commonly considered concubines... hmmmm.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 31:1-16

Jacob overheard Laban's sons grumbling, accusing him of taking their father's wealth, and Laban himself had cooled considerably.

So he was open to change and the LORD spoke to him: "Go back to the land of Isaac and Abraham and your family - and I will be with you."

Jacob asked Rachel and Leah to come out and meet him in the midst of his flock and he told them straight out: "Your dad isn't feeling very positive about me these days, not the way he used to, but God has been with me and blessed me-- you know how hard I've worked for your father and yet every time I start to do well, he changes my wages! Ten times he's done that but God has blocked him from hurting me, so God has taken away your dad's livestock and provided for us.

"Now God has spoken again and reminded me that I met Him at Bethel where I anointed a pillar and made a vow to Him; He has told me to leave here and return to the land of my birth."

Rachel and Leah looked at each other (they might have their differences and jealousies but they also knew they shared Jacob's boat, so to speak) and said, "There's nothing for us in our father's house; we have no inheritance with him. He sold us and spent the purchase price-- we figure whatever wealth God has taken from our father rightly belongs to us and our children. So do what you think God is telling you to do; we're with you."
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
Now Jacob, despite not noticing when Leah came out to marry him at his first wedding instead of Rachel, was not such an undiscerning lunk as all that. He noticed that his brothers-in-law were complaining that he was stealing their inheritance, and that his father-in-law was acting distinctly frosty.

Just then God showed up and told him the way out of his difficulties: "Go home to your relatives, where your ancestors lived, and I'll be with you."

So Jacob went off to tell Rachel and Leah. He called them out into the field with the speckled sheep and goats, and ran down the situation:

"I've been behaving perfectly honourably, but your father keeps moving the goalposts. Fortunately my father's God has been taking care of me all this time. It wasn't my fault all the sheep and goats were speckled and striped, they just came out that way. What about the speckled and striped rods, you say? Well, I never mentioned this, but it was God who showed me a dream of speckled and spotted goat sex. Amazing what you can download off the Internet these days. Then He reminded me how we met at Bethel (remind me to tell you my anointing-the-pillar story some time) and told me to go home."

Rachel and Leah looked at each other and realized that since they had left their father's side and become one flesh with Jacob, they were in the same boat with him. "Dad hates us! He sold us! Good thing that everything that God has been taking away from him, belongs to us and our kids. Jacob, you better do what God says."

So Jacob got a bunch of camels for his wives and children to ride, and packed up all his possessions, and rounded up his herds of speckled and spotted sheep and goats, and checked Mapquest for directions from Laban's House in Paddan-Aram to Isaac's House in Canaan.

Genesis 31:1-18

[ETA citation]

[ 15. February 2008, 00:31: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
[eek, cross-posted, and I've used up my edit window, so can't back this one out to put on the Second Thoughts thread. oops.]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
( [Big Grin] )
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
Jacob kept all these family escape plans very secret from Laban until the very day that Laban decided to go out and shear his sheep. Then they all pulled up stakes and took off over the river and through the woods, "heading for the hills," as they say. And to add a little insult to the injury, Rachel decided to do a last minute 'light finger lift' number on all the household idols that had decorated the Laban family home over the years.

Genesis 3:19-21

[ 15. February 2008, 11:58: Message edited by: the pilgrim ]
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
Oh, gods ! I read "family goods" - an even more comprehehensive heist. Need new specs. [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Genesis 31:22-55

Round about dinner time on the third day after Heel-Grabber had done his flit with his wives (the dewy-eyed Ewe and the dodgy-eyed Bleary) a dusty shepherd burst into Mr White's tent with the news. White went white. Quickly, his eyes scanned the wall map; where would that heel go? To the north was that blank area on the map entitled “Here be savages”. Not that way. To the east, down river? That way lay Mesopotamia, but Heel-Grabber would have had to pass White's tents – so not that way. West? “Here be Leviathans.” Not that way, then. South it was, back to his family.

White shovelled the half-eaten goat from one side of his mouth to the other and eyed the present company. “Relatives!” He said, “Saddle my Trusty Steeds; I summon you south!” although, being as how he was an Aramaic speaker, this came out more like, “Welativeth, thaddle my thruthty thteedth; I thummon you thous.”

Seven days hard riding from Paddan-Aram, through Bashan, and White's team pretty much caught up with Heel-Grabber at night in the hilly area around the Jabbok River, and it seemed inevitable that the mother of all domestics was about to erupt. Attack now or at dawn? was the question facing White. He decided to sleep on it.

Half-way through a dream involving the introduction of skewers to errant in-laws, White had an out of body experience. “Just watch yourself, Aramean.” said the God of He-Laughed, “Make no promises to Heel-Grabber; either for good or bad.” “Bugger” thought White when he woke up (a sentiment that works well in either Aramaic or Hebrew); “And my family gods have been kidnapped, too, so I can't get a second opinion.”

His relatives erected White's tents in the vicinity of Heel-Grabber. White faced Heel-Grabber. White opened with the Berate Gambit, followed by the Threat-Not-Executed-Because-Of-Divine-Intervention motif, and ended his move with Accusation-Out-Of-The-Blue. Heel-Grabber responded with Mitigation-Meeting-Berate, dodged the Threat motif by ignoring it, and went somewhat against form by Telling-The-Truth in the face of Accusation. Without realising it, however, he had condemned Ewe to death for stealing the Aramean family gods.

There now followed a period of suspense in the plot, culminating in an alleged period. White's family gods underwent a severe embarrassment, Ewe escaped with her life (if not her probity), White's name was Blackened and Heel-Grabber saw Red. He commenced the Retort-Of-One-Wrongly-Put-Upon theme. White endured seven verses of this before bringing the confrontation to a resolution by suggesting a covenant. This involved much heaping of stones, invoking said heap as witness and repeating 'heap' and 'witness' several times in different languages. Because White spoke Aramaic and Heel-Grabber was more conversant with Hebrew, everything had to be named twice. Thus we see the origin of cross-language communication: speak loudly, repeat it often, and gesticulate.

And that, dear reader, is what scholars would one day call an Aetiology.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 32:1-12

Jacob is traveling along with his big company of family and servants and flocks and God's angels met him, which is pretty impressive, so Jacob named that place Mahanaim for their two encampments.

As he traveled he grew increasingly nervous about Esau's disposition as they didn't exactly part on good terms, so Jacob sent some messengers to the hill country of Edom to let Esau know he was on his way with a plenty of animals and servants (in other words, I'm not coming home to mooch off of you--) but when the messengers returned they said, "Esau is on his way with a company of 400 men!"

Now Jacob starts panicking; he divides his group into two companies, figuring if Esau attacks one the other might escape, and he shoots up a quick prayer to the Almighty: "You're the one who told me to come back here! You said you'd be with me and prosper me - well, You can't prosper me if we're all dead... So I'm just stepping out on a limb here and I hope You meant what you said about prosperity and numerous descendants-- please save my family, my wives and children! We're counting on You."
 
Posted by Seelenbräutigam (# 12896) on :
 
Jacob camped there another night with his family, and the next day Jacob sent Esau presents, of the practical sort, herd after herd of animals – goats, sheep, camels, cattle, donkeys. Jacob sent them with his servants in waves, one after the other, and the servants were to make sure Esau knew where everything had come from. “This way,” thought Jacob (still as clever as ever), “Esau will see these presents, and when we see each other face-to-face, he will be glad to see me – I hope!” And, seeing that the gifts were on their way, Jacob camped there another night with his family.

Genesis 32:13-21
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 32:22-32

But in the middle of the night Jacob got up, got the whole family up (the wives, the maids, the eleven kids), and he sent everything he had with them across the ford at Jabbok while he stayed.

And lo-- a man wrestled with him through the rest of the night. Jacob was one wily wrestler and the man finally touched Jacob's thigh so that it went out on him and still, collapsing, Jacob would not let the man go. And the man's words were urgent: "Let me go, the day is coming--" but Jacob would not: "I will not let you go unless you bless me!"

"What is your name?"

"Jacob."

"No more will you be Jacob, but Israel - because you've wrestled with God and have prevailed."

"Please, what is your name?"

"Why is it that you want to know my name?" the man asked. Then the man blessed him and Jacob called the place "Face-to-face" because he'd seen God, at least in the dark, and still lived.

The sun rose as Jacob crossed over, limping. This is the reason the sons of Israel don't eat that part of the hip and thigh: because that is where Jacob's thigh was touched.
 
Posted by Seelenbräutigam (# 12896) on :
 
And Jacob, still hobbling, looked up suddenly, and look! here comes Esau with his four hundred men! So he quickly divided up his family among Rachel and Leah and his two other women and arranged them this way: the two women and their children first, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph last. Jacob himself went out in front of all of them and went out to meet his brother, bowing seven times as he got closer, and closer, and closer…

But Esau ran out to meet Jacob, put his arms around him, and kissed him! Both cried in an unmanly way for a good while, until Esau looked up and noticed all the other people who were with Jacob. “Who are they?” he asked. “My family,” Jacob answered, and he introduced them all to Esau. First the two women and their children came forward, and they bowed to Esau, then Leah and her children came forward, and they bowed to Esau, and last Rachel and Joseph came forward, and they bowed to Esau.

Genesis 33:1-7

[ 19. February 2008, 14:13: Message edited by: Seelenbräutigam ]
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
So Esau asked, "What gives with all the nice stuff you sent my way?"

"Well," replied Jacob, "I was sort of hoping that you would just - well - kind of just TAKE all that stuff and - well - you know - not SLAUGHTER us all for what's gone down between us." (Jacob shuffles feet)

"Awww - shucks," says Esau, "I've done alright since then, - just keep all your stuff."

"OH! No, No, No! Just seeing you again, and knowing that you don't hate my guts anymore, is like looking on the face of the Lord! Please, please, please, take the stuff I sent. Believe me, there's plenty more where that came from."

So Esau took the stuff. - and I've always wondered how he felt about that.

Genesis 33:8-11

[ 19. February 2008, 17:13: Message edited by: the pilgrim ]
 
Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Gen. 33:12-20

Then Hairy-One decided to return south to home with all the bounty, wondering how he felt about that. He offered to take Heel-Grabber along with him, but Heel-Grabber had worked out that he had another destiny. About time, when you think of it: first his mum had to intervene on his behalf for the family blessing, then his Dad's God had to intervene to protect him against Mr White and finally God had to spend an entire night knocking some sense into him directly. Heel-Grabber knew he was not destined to get on with in-laws and, as he had one to the mountainous north and another to the wilderness south, that rather left him between a rock and a hard place. Conveniently this in-between place was the promised land.

Did he come out with the truth and tell Hairy-One all this? Like Sheol he did.

Bring on the cringe routine. “My Lord knows [can't you just imagine the oily voice?] that my tender hatchlings are anemic [I just bet those little imps were busy duffing each other up behind the tents – just read how they turned out in chapter 34] and the ewe and cow are suckling [calling Rachel an 'ewe' is OK, but isn't it a tad harsh giving the other label to Leah?]. I greatly fear that if I were to get them even to stand up, it would be too much for their dicky tickers, so you go ahead; I will take it hold back my desire to come with you [insert two fingers into back of throat].

Either Hairy-One was suspicious of his brother (and who wouldn't be?), or he was as dense as his hair, but he wasn't going to be put off. He offered to leave some of his folk with his brother. Heel-Grabber went into sycophantic overdrive; “no really, My Lord has been more than kind to me” [that does it. Barf].

Hairy-one probably felt the same about the script, too, because he upped sticks and marched back to his countryland in the south. Heel-Grabber, on the other hand, drew breath and finally took the biblical metanarrative plot in hand by buying a plot of land. It was not much, just enough to pitch a tent and throw up and altar, but it was a start.
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
So Heel-Grabber and his whole family made camp on the nice portion of land bought from Prince Portion, the son of Ass the Hivite.

Now Heel-Grabber and Bleary had pretty much neglected their daughter Vindicated for 129 verses, and they would probably have ignored her for another 129 verses, except Vindicated decided to go sit down for a nice cuppa with the local women.

No sooner had Portion spotted her carrying her basket of goodies in her little red cape, than he grabbed her and raped her.

Then he asked her, "where were you going, Little Red Ridi--" oh wait, wrong story. I mean, then he took a good look at her and realized that he had fallen head over heels in love with her. So he went to his father Ass, and said "Daddy, Daddy, I've met the most wonderful girl and I want to marry her, and please, please, Daddy, will you get her for my bride?"

In the meantime Heel-Grabber found out that Portion had raped Vindicated, but decided to wait for his eleven hulking sons to get back from the fields before doing anything to vindicate his daughter. So he was sitting in front of his tent, and everyone came piling up to him at once, all eleven of his sons and Ass also.

The brothers were really mad and jumped around yelling, "Is outrage."

But Ass spoke up and said to Jacob, "Please, please, my son Portion is head-over-heels in love with your daughter Vindicated, please, please, please, give her to him to marry." And he said to the sons, "Please, can't we all get along? Let's all get married to each other, and live together and trade together and in all ways establish a flourishing agro-capitalist economy."

And Portion said to Jacob and his sons, "Please, please, please, whatever you want I'll do, only please don't throw me in the briar-patc---" oops wrong story again. I mean, he said "Please, please, please, whatever you want I'll do, and I'll give you any dowry you want, any number of rugs and cattle and cash and TVs and washing machines and a gold-plated Cadillac, you name it, only please please let me marry your her."

Genesis 34:1-12

[ 19. February 2008, 23:35: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
The last bit should be "marry her" not "marry your her." I note that Heel-Grabber grabbed his name Jacob back too. Sheesh, what kind of copy-editor looked at this anyway?
 
Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Gen. 34:13-31 Note: the verse numbers here appear as a chiasm, which proves their literary unity.

WARNING!!! The following passage may contain scenes of an explicit nature, including violent, sexual, flashing, religious and euphemistic images. These are printed in defiance of British Censor, and readers in Boston, Mass., may wish to turn to another page now.


There is little evidence that the art of deception is genetic, but Heel-Grabber's sons were a living testimony to the possibility that deceit is, in fact, inherited. They were Vindictive because Vindicated had been Violated. In fact, in the words of the prophet, she had been carnally known and abused.

“O SonofanAss,” They said to Portion, “We would love to, but it would be culturally unacceptable for us to hand the chattel over unless the proposed husband has been properly foreskinned. If you agree to have yourself and all your town elders so foreskinned, then I think we can reach a compromise.”

“No problem!” replied Portion, happily, “Just tell me what this Four-Skinny observance is and I will put things in motion.” Bleary's second son, He-Heard, demonstrated by miming actions using a pair of garden shears.

When Portion had been brought around with the aid of water and smelling salts, he staggered back into town. It says much for his state of mind over Vindicated and rhetorical ability that he actually managed to convince the elders to go along with this plan. “Give a little bit,” he argued, “And we will get back a whole lot more.” Accordingly the town elders went with Portion to Heel-Grabber's tent where Portion, being first up, presented his feet for inspection. He-Heard sighed and replaced the garden shears with a pair of pliers. Shortly after this, Portion and his elders began to see flashing lights.

Time passed, but the pain didn't. He-Heard and his brother, Joined-Up, took their trusty blades, went into the town and conducted a cleansing operation on Ass, Portion and the elders. The rest of Heel-Grabber's sons “came upon” the bodies and took the opportunity to relieve the recently departed of their former properties. Thus was born the “slash and grab” policy. “Give a little, give a lot” became the town motto.

What was the justification given by the sons to their father when he protested about their actions? It was a Mission to Save Fallen Women, apparently, and would give backing for similar actions in 19th century East-End London.
 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
Gen 35:1-4

And God said unto Heel-Grabber, "Yo, Heel Grabber, get your ass outta bed and get thee to Bethel. When you get there, I wanna see an altar, and I want to see my name on it, Elohim who showed up when you were running away from Hairy-One!

So, as directed, Heel-Grabber gathered his crew together and told them, "Yo! God just spoke to me, guys, so that means you'd better put away those foreign idols and clean yourselves up!" He sniffed and added, "And get some new clothes on! Were you raised in a barn or something? Come on!"

"We're going to Bethel so that I can pile up some stones for the great Elohim, the one who saved me in my distress (in other words, who bailed me out when my bro justly wanted to kill me), and has been with me wherever I have gone!"

So, the folks listened to Heel-Grabber and did as he directed them. They turned over all of their foreign status (even Aunt Mabel's precious golden crocodile that she'd picked up at the flea market last week), and their earrings to boot, and Heel-Grabber buried them under an Oak tree near Shechem, for he was sure God would never think to look there.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 35:5-20

As Jacob and his clan traveled, the communities around them were filled with unreasonable fear, so they didn't hunt them down or seek vengeance for Shechem and the Hivites' destruction.

Thus Jacob et. al. arrived at Almond Tree (which is God's House), in the land of Canaan. He built an altar (again) and named it God of God's House (again, sort of) because this was the place God spoke to him when running from Esau.

{The busy Bee, the nurse who came from Bethuel with Rebekah, Jacob's mother, died and was buried under the oak (everybody knew which oak) at Bethel; it was called 'Oak of Weeping'.}

And God showed up again and reiterated the blessing; He said, "why are you going by Heel-Grabber? I renamed you-- you are Israel, God prevails. In all My power I say to you: thrive! Breed, for a vast people and outshoots of that people shall come from you, including kings. The land I gave to Father-of-the-multitude and Laughter, his son your father, I give to you. And you family after you."

Then-- whoosh, God was gone. So Jacob (*ahem* - Israel) put up another stone pillar and poured drink and oil on it, as an offering.

So you can understand why Jacob persisted in calling the place House of God.

And they continued south Rachel went into labor. Unlike her sister Leah, the breeder, she'd only had the one child and it wasn't easy for her to conceive nor to give birth. They were still a good hike from Bethlehem and Rachel's pains were getting worse and worse. The midwife said, "it's okay, it's okay, you have another son!" but Rachel was dying even as she heard the good news and with her final breath she named him Son of My Sorrow but Jacob, who went through life being called Heel Grabber, thought that was an awfully heavy burden to put on the innocent child, so he modified the name: he called the baby Son of My Right Hand.

Thus Jacob lost the love of his life, his beloved little Lamb, there in Ephrath, on the way to the House of Bread. And he set up another pillar, this one for his Rachel, and to this day it marks her grave.
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
After the funeral the artist formerly known as Heel-Grabber, along with his whole family, hangers-on, and assorted striped sheeps, goats, and camels, continued on their way. They came to a tower for watching over flocks and pitched camp beyond that.

While God-Fights and everyone were living at this camp, behold, his son Behold-A-Son became enamoured of the feet (and much else) of his father's live-in lady Troubled. Not only that, he went and lay (and much else) by her feet (and much else). News travelled fast among the tents, and in no time God-Fights had heard about this.

Lost your scorecard? Here's a recap:
Quite a road-trip for Heel-Grabber, huh?

[Leah: Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun.
Rachel: Joseph, Benjamin.
Bilhah: Dan, Naphtali.
Zilpah: Gad, Asher.]

Genesis 35:21-26

[ 22. February 2008, 19:04: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]
 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
Gen 35:27-36:1

Heel-Grabber went to see his dad, He-Laughs, in a place that used to be called Mamre, or Kiriath-arba, but now, thanks to linguistic drift, is simply called Hebron.

Anyway, He-Laughs was an old dude by this time (180 bible-years), and so he took in his last dose of oxygen and kicked the metaphorical bucket, old and full of days. He was survived by his loving sons, Hairy-One and Heel-Grabber, who buried him with full ceremony. There wasn't a dry eye in the tent. [Waterworks]

And now, for a moving description of the begotten offspring of Hairy One (also known as Edom)!
 
Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Gen. 36:2-8

Hairy-One deliberately out-sourced covenant promises by supplementing his harem from the local cash-and carry.

Hey-There, daughter of He's-Long, a Hitman;
A-Holy-Bummer, daughter of I-Know and granddaughter of Zippy-One, a Heavy;
Easy-Sums, a daughter of God-Talk and sister of Knee-Buy-Off.

Hey-There bore an Elephant to Hairy-One; Easy-Sums bore a Ruler; and A-Holy-Bummer bore Jeeeesh, J-Lo and the entire Koran.

These turned out to be sons, quite surprisingly to Hairy-One, born to him in Canaan, which raises the question of what he was doing in other countries.

Anyway, by this time Canaan was being filled to the gunnels with covenant begatments, and Hairy-One-That-Is-Red had to emigrate to Shaggy. Quite appropriate, possibly, in view of his covenant activities.
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
Genesis 36:9-43

Man, did Esau have a lot of descendants, bunches and bunches of 'em. He had so many that they started their own country called Edom up in the hills. A real country too, complete with Mayors and Kings and important people like that, all decended from Esau, the hairy red grandpappy of 'em all.

[ 26. February 2008, 18:49: Message edited by: the pilgrim ]
 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
Genesis 37:1-4

Jacob settled in Canaan, where his dad had been a gastarbeiter . Joseph, his favourite son (because he was something of an afterthought and proved that Jacob could still, you know) was in the fields (being seventeen and old enough to earn his living) helping to do shepherding with his brothers (sons of Billie and Zillie - dad's
wives No. n and n+1) and they weren't doing it right so he snitched on them to Pop.

Because of this and the rather nice kit his father clothed him in, they took umbrage and
said "Sod off!" whenever he greeted them with "Hiya bros! I just told Dad about you lot so watch it!"
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 37:5-11

Then Joseph started having dreams, dreams from God, and he was young and naive enough to share the dreams with his brothers: "we were all working in the field, binding sheaves, and YOUR sheaves all bowed down to my sheaf!" *Grrrrrr*!

"Are you thinking you're going to rule over us? Fergit it!"

And he had another dream: "Hey, you know what? This time you guys were eleven stars and the sun and the moon and the eleven stars all bowed down to me!"

Well, that really was too much; even his doting father said, "Are you thinking even your mother and I will bow down to you? That's out of line! Respect your elders!" Even so, the image stuck in Jacob's head and he remembered it.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 37:12-36

When Joseph's brothers were pasturing the flock in Shechem his father sent him to meet up with them and make sure everything was going well. Joseph was wandering around in the general area when a fellow found him; when Joseph said he was seeking his brothers and their sizable flock the man said they'd moved on to Dothan.

His brothers recognized him by his flashy coat at some distance and started to discuss murder; Reuben wasn't any more fond of the dreamer than his brothers but he had the good sense to recognize fratricide was not a viable solution. "Don't kill him!" he directed, "throw him in that pit instead," and he planned to come back and rescue Joseph (Reuben must have needed to go handle some urgent matter of flock management because he left the party for a time).

Joseph waved and his brothers pounced and took off his garment of esteem and threw him into the pit as Reuben suggested. Joseph was without water or food as his brothers ate and drank and mocked him from above; their jealousy was so fierce that they had no pity on him.

An Ishmaelite caravan exporting myrrh and other aromatics to Egypt came along and Judah observed, "We don't benefit from killing him-- let's sell him to these traders and at least make some money as well as keeping our hands free of our brother's blood." That made sense so they hauled Joseph out of the pit and sold him to the Midianites (the Ishmaelites) for 20 shekels of silver.

When Reuben returned to the pit he was aghast: Joseph was missing! He tore his own robe because he knew their father would hold him responsible. "What am I to do?" he cried and his brothers, their purses heavier, produced Joseph's robe of envy and they slaughtered a goat and dipped the clothes in it and sent it to their father, asking, "We found this and we're afraid it might be Joseph's--"

Jacob tore his own clothes because he recognized the coat and there was a great deal of blood on it, "Some wild beast has killed him and torn him to pieces!" And he put on sackcloth and ashes and grieved the loss of Joseph for many days.

And everybody tried to comfort him, his other sons, his daughters, but he would not be comforted; "No! no, no-- I will go to the grave missing Joseph!" he declared, weeping.

And Joseph's brothers were so hard-hearted that they concealed the truth from their father.

Joseph, meanwhile, had been taken to Egypt and sold to Potiphar, the captain of Pharaoh's bodyguard.
 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
Genesis 38:1-5

So, while all of this stuff was happening, Joseph's bro Judah (remember, the one who sold poor Joe into slavery?) went down from his bros and got himself a crib near this fat cat named Hirah, an Adullamite. Judah set his hungry eyes on this Canaanite chick named Shua, and it was love at first sight...well, sort of. Lust, at least.

[OK, he just really wanted someone to screw so he could produce an heir. Judah was just that kind of guy...]

Anyway, they did the nasty and she bore him a son, who Judah decided to name Er. Having gotten his heir, Judah promptly washed his hands of the whole naming business, but he didn't stop siring children. The second one, a boy, Shua saw fit to name Onan. And yet against she bore a third son, and she named him Shelah. She bore him in Chezib.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 38:6-30

Judah found a wife for Er, son #1. Her name was Tamar. But Er erred in some manner so grievous that God struck him dead. Tamar, the innocent widow, is bereft of husband and children, so Judah turns to son #2, Onan, and says, "Go, give your late brother's wife a child in his name - she deserves it."

But Onan was a selfish man and didn't want any child of his to bear his brother's name, so he practiced what many of us know as 'the withdrawal method' of intercourse and didn't make the deposit as required.

This really peeved God and set a dangerous precedent, so He killed Onan too (and it has nothing to do with masturbation!).

But Judah's getting nervous: two sons down, one troublesome daughter-in-law to whom offspring is rightly due. He looks at his third son, Shelah, and says, "He's too young! You go back and live with your family until Shelah's enough of a man (to handle you without dying)."

So Tamar returns to her father's household. She isn't free to marry and she sees her father getting older and and older - what is she to do when he dies, with no husband and no son? And as time continues to pass she realizes Judah has no intention of giving her to Shelah as a wife.

Eventually Judah goes up to the sheepshearing at Timnah with his old buddy Hirah the Adullamite and when the local gossip gets around to Tamar she forms a plan: she takes off her widow's weeds and she puts on the veil of a harlot and she sets herself down by the road.

Sure enough, Judah comes by and says, "Whoa, baby! How much?" And they negotiate for a young goat but Tamar is no fool and demands a pledge in the interim. So Judah gives up his staff and his seal with its cord and he has carnal knowledge of Tamar, who conveniently conceives.

She gets up, takes off the veil, puts back on her widow's weeds, and returns to her father's house. Meanwhile, Judah sends his buddy Hirah with the young goat, looking to reclaim his pledge, but no such luck. He even asks the locals, "Where can I find the harlot who sits by the side of the road on the way to Timnah?" and they say, "Harlot? What harlot? (there's a harlot? hot damn!)"

He goes back and tells Judah and Judah says, "We'd better just forget about it or they'll be mocking me for the rest of my life-- so I'm out a seal and a staff; I'll live."

But some months later the word comes to Judah: your daughter-in-law has played the harlot (and how literally true that is!) and she's expecting. Such an outrage! How dare a technically-unmarried woman seek a sexual relationship outside of marriage! Harrumph!!! So he sets out to demand the reputation of his two dead sons be unsullied by this tramp of a daughter-in-law. Stoning isn't good enough; he wants her burned.

In the midst of the hubbub, she sends back his seal and cord and staff and says, "The man to whom these belong is the father of my child - please examine them carefully--"

And to Judah's credit, he owns up and proclaims publicly: "She is more righteous than I am, because I owed her my son Shelah but I withheld him from her (I put her in an impossible place); I owed her a son and now she will have one."

And, in fact, she had two sons, twins. First a tiny arm pushed out of her womb and the midwife tied a crimson thread around it, to keep straight who was the firstborn, but lo! the other boy managed to push past and he was actually born first so they called him Perez because he'd made a way for himself. The boy with the crimson thread they named Zerah, for rising.

And Judah and Tamar returned to a proper father-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship and never crossed that boundary again.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Sorry, AR - obviously I finished my post while you were writing yours! It's one of my favorite passages... wait, wait - there was an entry there!
 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
Genesis 39:1-6

Meanwhile, getting back to Joseph (remember Joseph?)...

Joseph, now in Egypt, was sold to an Egyptian captain of the guard by his Ishmaelite captors, and immediately put to work. Because God was with him, everything he did turned out extraordinarily well. I mean, he could literally do no wrong!

His boss, Potiphar, looked at all of this and figured, "Gee, ya know? He does such a good job sweeping the floors, I should put him in charge of all of the floor sweepers! Hell, he's such an excellent manager, I should put him in charge of the entire house! Gee whiz! This is going amazing! Why not put him in the grounds keeping too, make him the overseer of all groundskeepers!

Joseph's responsibilities only grew from there on, but since God was with him, and since God could do no wrong, Joseph could do no wrong. In a matter of months, Joseph found himself administering everything Potiphar owned, and with such excellence that there was no concern anywhere in the land except for that interminable bother: What will I have for dinner?
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 39:7-20

So as Potiphar started working on his beer belly Joseph was growing up into a fine strapping figure of a man... and Mrs. Potiphar noticed.

"Oooooh baby-- love to love you, baby!" she said and Joseph was shocked (shocked, I tell you): "How could I do such a wicked thing? My master trusts me and has put everything under my control, with the exception of you. I would dishonor your husband, myself, and sin against God."

But Mrs. Potiphar considered herself something of a hottie and she figured to wear him down. Daily she would make comments and innuendos and try to entice him to do the horizontal bop.

One day he was doing some work in the house and the other men of the household were all absent for various unspecified reasons (can we say... Mrs. Potiphar?!) and she sidles up to him and says, "I want you - I want you so bad, it's driving me mad, it's driving me mad," (and now you know where John Lennon got it). And she grabbed him but he twisted away from her, leaving his outer robe in her hands and escaping the house.

Mrs. Potiphar had managed to see Joseph's rebuffs as coy up until now but this was too much, this was genuine rejection. She saw red. She was one furious scorned hellion. "Hey!" she called and some other servants ran up, "look what that Hebrew did! That scoundrel attempted to rape me! I screamed (you heard me, right?) and he ran off, leaving his jacket."

And so she set Joseph up and the other servants didn't want to get on Mrs. Potiphar's bad side and some of them thought they might get that promotion that Joseph snatched right out from under their respective noses, what with his flashy foreign ways and his really impressive ability (serves him right, harrumph).

When Potiphar came home she told him the whole story and held up Joseph's coat (what is it with Joseph and coats?!). Potiphar must've smelled a rat because he didn't have Joseph killed for the outrage - but neither could he ignore it. So, angry at Joseph, at the missus, at the fact that he was going to lose a really fine steward, Potiphar dragged Joseph to Pharaoh's prison and had him locked up.
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
The chief jailer was totally impressed with Joe (the Lord was still with him!), and made him the head trustee for the jail. The Lord made everything turn out well for whatever Joe got involved with. So pretty soon every prisoner had three cartons of cigarettes, and the cafeteria stopped serving mystery meat in favour of identifiable lamb cutlets. (They were striped and spotted, but identifiably lamb, served in a tasty brown gravy studded with capers and finished with a sprinkling of fresh ground pepper.) And the chief jailer didn't have to do any work any more, and could spend all his time playing poker with the guards.

Genesis 39:21-23

[ 01. March 2008, 02:51: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 40

So life was moving along about as well as it can when you've been sold into slavery by your brothers and thrown into jail on trumped-up charges by your owner and the jailer likes you and God has given you favor -- then two new prisoners came in.

One was Pharaoh's cupbearer and the other was his baker. We don't know what they did to anger the king of Egypt, but they did and he chucked 'em in jail with Joseph; the head of the jail put Joseph in charge of the two new prisoners.

After they'd been there for some time Joseph was surprised to find them both suddenly very depressed. "What's up?" he asked.

"We each had a significant dream last night but there is no one here to interpret the dream for us."

And Joseph said, "The interpretation of dreams comes from God - why not tell me your dreams and see if God doesn't give me the interpretation for you?"

What did they have to lose? So the cupbearer started: "I dreamt there was a vine in front of me with three branches and as I watched the blossoms formed, and then the grapes grew and ripened and I found Pharaoh's cup was in my hand so I squeezed the grapes right into his cup and handed the cup to Pharaoh."

Joseph nodded, "Here's what your dream means: the three branches equal three days, so in three days Pharaoh will let you out and restore you to your job as his cupbearer. Just please remember me when this comes to pass and let Pharaoh know that I don't deserve to be here, I'm a victim of kidnapping and I did not have sex with that woman Mrs. Potiphar."

The head baker thought that was a pretty good interpretation and he had a similar dream so he was happy to share: "I dreamt there were three baskets of bread upon my head and the top one had all kinds of baked goods for Pharaoh and the birds came and were eating them right out of the basket."

Joseph looked kind of sad and said, "The three baskets are three days and your dream means that in three days Pharaoh is going to take your head off your shoulders and hang you on a tree and the birds will peck at your flesh--"

Sure enough, in three days' time it was Pharaoh's birthday and he had a great feast for all his servants and he brought in both the cupbearer and the baker; the cupbearer was restored just as Joseph had understood from the dream and the baker was executed, likewise according to the dream.

Despite this really excellent example of accurate dream interpretation, the cupbearer did not remember Joseph; once he was out of prison he forgot all about Joseph.
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
Two years passed, during which Joe was still the chief trustee, the chief butler still didn't give thought to Joe, the chief baker was still dead, and Pharaoh ruled happily and slept soundly every night.

Then one night Pharaoh had a nightmare! It started out innocently enough. He was standing by the Nile, lord of all he surveyed, when up out of the water came seven fat cows. They were sleek and shiny and dripping wet, and began to graze. "Mmmm," thought Pharaoh in the dream. "Filet mignon for dinner." Then everything turned awful, but the way it does in dreams, where you don't quite realize until it's too late, and there's no way out. Seven skeletal cows dragged themselves up over the bank of the Nile, and set upon the seven grazing fat cows, and ate them up! Blood and guts were everywhere. The seven skeletal cows licked that up too. But they were just as fat as before. They were turning towards Pharaoh with a lean and hungry look, when Pharaoh suddenly awoke, shivering and sweating.

Being Pharaoh, he bit hard on the pillow to keep from screaming, and clenched his fists to keep from turning on the nightlight, and concentrated on deep breathing and centering his chakras. Eventually he fell back asleep.

And Pharaoh had another nightmare! He was standing in a field, lord of all he surveyed, and seven ears of grain sprouted out of one stalk. "Mmmmm," thought Pharaoh in the dream. "Beer for dinner." Then everything turned awful again. The sky turned dark, a cold sleet began, and seven withered ears of grain sprouted out of the stalk and devoured the seven fat ears! The blighted ears were turning on the stalk towards Pharaoh, who was feeling pretty lean and hungry himself by this time, when suddenly Pharaoh awoke, shivering and sweating.

This time it was almost morning, so Pharaoh opened the curtains and sat nervously in bed until it was full light. Then he called up the University of Egypt and had them send over all their smartest professors, and called up the Cairo Care Line and had them send over all their best psychologists, but try as they might none of them could tell what Pharaoh's dreams meant.

Genesis 40:1-8
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
quote:
But they were just as fat as before.
Scholarly study of the paraphrases emerging from the Road scriptorium in the early 21st century suggest that this phrase should properly be emended to read "But they were just as thin as before."
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Then the chief cupbearer said to the king, "Um, I've finally figured out what this string around my finger is for. Once upon a time, long, LONG ago Your Majesty was, um, slightly displeased with the dinner service, and well, me and the chief baker were detained as "persons of interest" for a little while.

"And while we were in jail, we had some really weird dreams, and we knew they meant SOMETHING, but what? So there was this guy Joseph, and he explained everything to us, and you know what? It happened just the way he said. And here I am, back in my old job, and I'm really glad they got that wine stain out of your skirt, honest, you'd hardly notice."

Pharaoh eyed the cupbearer, thinking dark thoughts; but then he snapped his fingers. "Bring Joseph!" he said.

So they dragged him out of the dungeon in a hurry, told him to fancy himself up, and brought him to the king.

Pharaoh said to Joseph, "I had a dream, and no one can interpret it. But certain people tell me you're a dab hand at explaining dreams."

"Not me," hedged Joseph, "but I'm sure God will provide you with an answer."

"Fair enough," said the king. "I was down by the river and these totally awesome cows came up, right out of the water (don't look like that, it's a dream, innit?) and they were really looking good, prime cattle if I ever saw any. But then seven other cows came up, walking bags of bones, the cows from Hell™--I'm not kidding. And what's worse is, they ATE UP the good looking cows! And they were just as skinny and ugly as before. Mad cow disease, or something. And then I woke up.

Well, it took a while, but I got back to sleep, and had the exact same dream except this time it was heads of grain. And what I want to know is, does this mean anything, or should I swear off the pepperoni pizza?"

Gen 41:11-24
 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
Genesis 41:25-37

Without any futher ado, Joe put on his spectacles, stroked his goatee, and suddenly began to speak with a German accent...

So Meister Pharoah, bad dreams, is it, jah? Please, zit down ein dis couch zhen tell me all about your childhood...

Then God gave the redactor a dirty look, and the scene magically returned to Ancient Egypt.

So, Joe looked up at Pharoah, and told him, "So, those seven fat cows? They represent"--and he paused, waving his arms for dramatic effect--"seven years of Good luck! And those seven good ears of corn represent...wait for it...the same seven years! The dreams are as one."

He paused, figured from Pharoahs' reaction that he wasn't about to die, and contiuned:

"So, what do you think those lean cows represent, but seven years of famine." Pharoah shuddered. Joe shuddered for slightly different reasons and continued, "as do the seven empty ears blighted by the east wind. Famine. You know, no crops, no animals, and lots of hungry people threatening to revolt if you don't feed them. That kind of stuff." Pharoah looked deeply distressed. Joseph shuddered again, gathered himself, and continued:

"But ya know what, Pharoah? God's with me, and God's got a great plan!" Pharoah suddenly looked interested. "God has shown Pharoah what to do. There's gonna be seven years of plenty, and then seven years of not-so-plenty. During the not-so-plentiful years, the people's gonna forget how well off they were in the good years; it'll be that bad!"

And that thing where you dreamed the same thing twice? That means God's gonna make it so, and He's gonna make it so soon, so you better be ready! So, let Pharoah select a man discerning and wise (nudge nudge, wink wink) to oversee the land of Egypt. Let Pharoah appoint other overseers beneath this man to take 1/5 of all the produce of the land for the seven bountious years. Let them gather all the food in the kingdom and store it under Pharoah's seal for food in the cities. Let them keep watch over it. That food shall be as a federal reserve for the land against the seven years of famine that we all know are going to happen, so that the land may not perish through the depression."

Pharoah's face was indecisive, betraying shock, anger, terror, and amusement before finally settling into a knowing smile and asking the servants, "Where the heck did you find this guy and where can we find more people like him, more people with that 'touched by God' thing? We could use a few more of these!"
 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
Gen 41:39-45
Then Pharaoh said to Joe, “You’re obviously a very bright guy, and to honest I’m a getting a bit bored with this whole running the country thing, so I’m going to put you in charge instead and go on holiday to the Bahamas for a while. I’m going to give you everything except the nuclear launch codes.” Then he had the royal couturier to make Joe some swanky clothes and gave him the use of his Rolls Royce chariot and police outriders and everything.

And Pharaoh said, “Not forgetting who’s boss or anything, but at the same time, this isn’t a democracy or anything, is it? So give all the orders you like.” He changed Joe’s name to Zaphenath-Paneah so it would sound a bit more Egyptian because he didn’t think the Daily Mail readers would like having one of those foreigners as viceroy, and set him up with the daughter of one of the top priests.

And Joe was a big deal in Egypt.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 41:46-57

Joe was now 30 years old and he went with Pharaoh's authority throughout the entire land of Egypt. Sure enough, those seven plentiful years were exceedingly good and the people gave up 20% with minimal grumbling because the 80% left was still spectacular bounty. He arranged for secure granaries located throughout the kingdom, convenient to the fields. Finally Joe stopped measuring how much grain he'd gathered because it was more than even he could count.

In those good years Joe had two sons with Asenath, whose father was a priest of On, and he named the elder The Cause of My Forgetting and the younger Doubly Fruitful because, frankly, life was going pretty well now that he was Pharaoh's right hand man and well-respected throughout the whole kingdom.

When the famine hit, right on schedule, the whole world was without bread... even the Egyptians were hungry and demonstrating and Pharaoh yelled: "Don't bug me! Take it to Joseph!" So Joe opened the granaries and started selling the grain to the Egyptians and word gets around, when you're starving, and soon the whole world was knocking at Joseph's door.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 42:1-26

Meanwhile, back in Canaan, Jacob heard there was grain in Egypt. "Get off yer duffs!" he told his sons, "Go down to Egypt and procure food; we don't want to die!"

So the ten brothers toddle off to Egypt while Jacob kept Rachel's remaining son (Benjamin) at home with him for safe-keeping.

Joseph was the go-to guy for buying grain-- just imagine how it felt when these ten Canaanite brothers come and bow down to him! Dreams of sheaves bowing and while he recognizes his brothers right away they don't recognize him: he walks like an Egyptian; he's shaved and dressed like an Egyptian. So he spoke to them harshly, using an interpreter.

"Where are you from? You've come to spy out the land and plot against us!"

"No no no, my lord! Your servants have come to buy food - we are all brothers, sons of one man; we are not spies!"

"Yes you are!"

"No, we aren't! Really! There are 12 of us brothers--"

"TWELVE?! I see only ten--"

"Our youngest brother is with our father in Canaan - and one is no more."

"I do not believe you! You are spies! The only way you can prove otherwise is to bring your brother here. One of you may go back and fetch him." And Joseph threw his brothers into prison for three days.

On the third day he told them, "I fear God so I will be kind: if you are honest men, let one of you remain here in prison and the rest may go to Canaan with grain for your family, then return here with your youngest brother. That way I'll know you're honest and trustworthy men and you will not die."

So they spoke in Hebrew among themselves: "We're getting what we deserve; we saw Joseph's great distress when he pleaded with us to take him up out of that pit - and we didn't listen."

Reuben started in (again already!), "Didn't I tell you? Don't harm the boy, don't sin against the boy, but nooooo, you gotta go and act stupid."

And Joseph had to pretend he didn't understand his mother tongue. His feelings were so huge he had to turn away and cry. When he was recovered Joseph took Simeon away from the group and tied him up in their presence. He ordered their bags be filled with grain and supplied goods for their journey home. And they left.
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
That night they made camp and one of them went to feed his donkey from the grain in his sack.

"Yikes!" he yelled. There was his money lying on top of the grain! He called his brothers and showed them.

"Yikes!" they yelled. "What has God done to us?"

They kept on travelling, and finally they got home to Canaan.

"How did it go?" asked Jacob.

"This happened," they said, keeping pretty near the truth for once. But they didn't mention the money at the top of the sack, depriving the editor of the chance to show off by putting in a self-referential UBB link.

Not that it made much difference, because as soon as they opened their sacks to show Dad all the grain, they discovered that every brother had his money returned in his sack.

"Yikes!" Jacob yelled. Then he tore into them. "You thieves and robbers! First you rob me of Jacob. Then Simeon. And now you want to take Benjamin. Everything is against me."

Genesis 42:27-36
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:
First you rob me of Jacob.

"Yikes!" AR yelled. "I meant to write 'Joseph.'"
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 42:37-43:14

Reuben stepped forward, "Father, I swear I will bring Benjamin safely home to you - you may hold my two sons hostage and put them to death if I do not!"

But Jacob was so distraught he couldn't respond to such an offer (what, lose his last favorite son AND two grandsons? How is this an improvement?) except to say, "No, you will not take my son. His brother is no more and if he should die then you would have killed this old gray head."

But the famine was bad. Real bad. Jacob was stuck between a rock and a hard place: his sons couldn't return to Egypt to buy more grain without taking his beloved Benjamin with them and, even if they did, surely Pharaoh's right-hand-man would have them strung up for thieves-- So that was no option.

No, they would have to starve to death. Sons, wives, grandkids, servants, animals... that wasn't such a good option, either. Finally Jacob broke down, "Maybe you could go back and buy just a little more grain--"

But Judah interrupted, "No way, Dad. The man was explicit; he won't see us unless we bring our brother Benjamin. If you let him come with us, fine, we'll go buy food. Otherwise it's not worth the tread on our camels - the man won't see us, ergo the man won't sell us grain. Wasted effort."

And Israel howled, "Why did you mention you had a brother? How could you do that to me?!"

"The man asked very specific questions! 'Is your father alive? Do you have any more brothers?' Who knew he would turn it on us in this manner?"

This time Judah asked for the responsibility: "Send him with me and we'll all go and buy grain - otherwise we'll all die here. I will be the guarantee; I will bring Benjamin back safe and sound or it will be on my head forever. Besides, if you'd let us go before, we could have been there and back again. Twice, already."

And Jacob, Israel, sighed a very long sigh-- "It must be so," he said to himself. "Take the best products of the land with you and do some serious protocol. Take twice the money and explain how mystified you were to find the money in your sacks before - and return that money, too. Pay any premium he demands. Who knows-- a little honey, a little balm, some nice almonds and pistachios and myrrh-- Maybe he'll be gracious. So go, take your brother, and God save you all. Perhaps He will move the man with compassion and release Simeon and let Benjamin return safely to me."

Thus Jacob watched all his sons leave for Egypt. Rather like wrestling with the angel, all those years earlier, he finally hit the wall: "If I am bereaved, I am bereaved."
 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
Genesis 43:15-25

So, they took double the amount of gold, the frankincense, the myrrh, the honey, the almonds, the brand spankin' new wii (ok, maybe not that), and Benjamin, all to be given in return for the "stolen" loots. And so, with donkeys groaning under the weight, they went down to Egypt, and stood before Joseph.

Joseph saw them coming, and said to his steward, "Welcome them in, and then I want you to slaughter an animal and make ready, for the men are to dine at noon." The man did just that, and welcomed his guests in.

Now, as you might expect, Joseph's brothers were all scared shitless. They turned to one another and said, "Crap! He must know we've got his money!" They eyed the guards around them nervously, anticipating at any moment to be jumped, bound, and sold into slavery. The irony was palpable.

So, they went up to the steward of the house and spoke to him at the entrance. Making a bold face of it, they said, "It's like this, officer! You see, we came down here for the first time to buy some food. Just to buy some food, right? No harm intended! So, we bought the food, and...and we stayed in this motel in the West Bank and we looked in our bags, and there was this money! It was the money we intended to pay Pharaoh over there, all of it! So, we came back as fast as we could to pay him back, with interest, even! We never intended to rob Pharaoh! We don't know how it got there, who put it there! Honest, man, you got to believe us!"

Josephs' steward smiled mysteriously and replied, "Rest assured. Don't get your buns in a bunch. God put the money in your bags, your God and mine. I received your money." He then brought Simeon out to them. Then he brought them into the house (still somewhat apprehensive), gave them some water to calm them down, and even washed their feet. As he fed their donkeys, they made the present ready for Joseph, for they had heard that they were to lunch with him.

[ 11. March 2008, 14:21: Message edited by: mirrizin ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 43:26-44:13

Joseph arrived and his brothers brought in their protocol gifts and bowed down to the ground. Joseph received the gifts but asked about their father: "Is he well? Does he still live?"

The brothers bowed and scraped some more: "Your humble servant our father still lives; he is well."

Now Joseph looked and saw his full brother Benjamin, and he pretended ignorance: "This is the youngest brother?" he asked them. Then Joseph turned to him and said, "May God graciously bless you always, my son," and then he rushed out of the room because his heart was about to burst and he could barely contain his emotions; he went to his own room and wept in solitude.

When he felt like he could carry on he composed himself; he washed his face and straighted his clothes, came back and instructed his servants to serve the meal. Joseph ate alone because Egyptians thought eating with Hebrews loathsome {ironic - they wouldn't be eating at all but for this Hebrew}, the Egyptians ate by themselves, and the 11 brothers ate by themselves; what a curious feast.

Joseph's brothers noticed with a chill that they'd been seated according to their birth order - what a coincidence! Joseph brought them portions from his own table, a tremendous honor, but he brought five times the amount to Benjamin.

And it turned into quite a feast and the wine flowed freely.

Joseph instructed his steward regarding the men: "Supply them with as much food as they can carry and put each man's money in the mouth of his sack. Take my special silver cup (you know, my favorite) and put it in the top of the sack belonging to the youngest brother." The servant did everything just as Joseph told him.

Early in the morning the men left, their donkeys laden with sacks full of grain. They weren't on the road for long when Joseph told his steward to pursue them: "Go, catch up to them, and ask, 'Why do you betray my master? He was good to you and you steal his most favorite silver cup?! --the one he drinks from, the one he uses for divination.'"

So the steward did just as Joseph commanded and the brothers said, "What is the servant of our lord talking about? Silver cup? We don't have a silver cup! We would never take his silver cup! {we're scared of the man, truth be told--} We brought back all the money we found in our sacks the last time we came; why would we risk our necks by stealing from him this time? No no no, this cannot be. If you find the cup, kill the one who took it, and make all of us your slaves."

Joseph's servant answered, "Let it be as you said, except the one who took the cup will be my slave and the rest of you will go free."

The eleven brothers, Simeon being returned, all lowered their sacks and the steward examined them, from the oldest to the youngest, and the cup was there in Benjamin's sack.

"NOOOO!!!" they cried, all of them, and tore their robes and returned to the city with their donkeys and sacks, very fearful and distressed.
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
Judah and his brothers all trooped back before Joseph, and fell down on their faces.

"What were you thinking of?" Joseph said. "Didn't you think I would find you out? I have magic powers!"

Judah bowed even lower, if that's possible when lying flat on your face, and, after clearing some dust off his tongue, said "What can we say, my lord? God has found out our wrongdoing. We are your slaves, all of us."

Joseph said, "God forbid that I should make you all my slaves. The one who was found with the cup will be my slave. The rest of you, go in peace, back to your father."

Genesis 44:14-17
 
Posted by Swish (# 8566) on :
 
Judah wasn't happy about this, and went over to talk to Joe. 'Look, person-who-is-as-powerful-as-Pharaoh, you can't do this. Basically, Ben's mother and brother are dead, and his dad loves him. When you told us to go and get him, a lot of talking went on and eventually we convinced Dad to let us take Ben with us. He wasn't happy about it though, and I swore to protect Ben with my life - if anything happened to him, it would be on my head. I couldn't stand to see Dad as devastated as he would be if we lost him. So how about this instead - you take me as a servant and let Ben go home to his family and his Dad.

Genesis 44 v18-34
 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
Genesis 45:1-16

As Judah said this, this freaking huge grin broke out on Joseph's face. His guards could see it, and started giggling behind their helmets. This great big blush started forming on Joe's face, starting at the ears, and then his cheeks...and he cried: "Send everyone away from me!"

The brothers, perplexed and a little scared, stood by as all of the guards and everyone else left the room.

And then and there, Ole Joe finally revealed his true identity, and much weeping ensued. He weeped so loudly that even Pharaoh heard him, as he asked his brothers, "So, is Papa still alive?" Sadly, his brothers were so shocked that they couldn't answer him. They stood there, dumbfounded at this revelation.

Then Joseph called his brothers closer and began whispering, "I truly am your brother, Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt so many years ago." Judah started to get really nervous, so he continued, "Don't be worried, or mad with yourselves, for God sent me here before you so that we all wouldn't starve. For the famine has been going on for two years, and will still be going for five years in which there will be no plowing and no harvesting. God sent me here to ensure that at least some of us would live." He began to repeat himself and to brag of his accomplishments, so his brothers began to tune him out until he said, "...go to my father and let him know I'm down here. Tell him, "Joseph wanted us to tell you that God has made him lord of all Egypt. You've got to believe this. Come on down and see for yourself without delay! I've got this prime real estate in Goshen! We'll be neighbors! You can raise your kids and grandkids here; heck, you can even raise some sheep, some cattle, whatever you want! And don't worry about food, dad, I've got that covered too, even if there's gonna be five more years of famine! You're never going to be hungry again!"

He turned to his brothers, suddenly ecstatic. "See, guys, it's really me! Joe! You must tell Father how well I've turned out here! I can't wait to see the look on his face..." He suddenly fell, sobbing, on his brother Benjamin's neck, and Benjamin was sobbing too, and it was all a big sob-fest as they all kissed each other and wept and talked and caught up on about 20 years of lost time.

While this was happening, a report of all of it was sent to Pharaoh. Pharaoh heard the report, and was pleased.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 45:17-28

Pharaoh had a brilliant idea and he told Joseph to supply his brothers well and send them back to Canaan and bring back their father and all their households, back down to Egypt, and Pharaoh himself would provide them with the best land. "Tell them they shall eat the fat of the land!" he said, "Send wagons from Egypt to carry their wives and their children and your father in a state of ease. They can come empty-handed; they won't want for anything once they get here."

All Israel's twelve sons were delighted and Joseph gave his eleven brothers wagons and provisions, just as Pharaoh ordered. He gave them each a change of clothing but to Benjamin he gave five full sets of garments as well as 300 silver coins.

For his father Israel he sent 10 he-donkeys burdened with Egypt's best and 10 she-donkeys laden with grain and bread and plenty of food for his journey back to Egypt. And he said to his brothers, "Don't start arguing on the way," for he knew them well.

When they got back to Canaan they told their father Jacob, "JOSEPH is ALIVE!!! And he's ruler over all Egypt!" but Jacob couldn't believe them, he nearly fainted, so they brought him out and showed him the wagons and the donkeys and the Egyptian goodies and something within him which had been cold a very long time came back to life.

Israel said, "It is enough; I am full: my son Joseph lives. I will see him again before I die."
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
Genesis 45:29-31

One day old Israel got it into his mind that the time was drawing near to box it all up and move to that land wither his fathers had gone before him (the eternal promised land that is). So he called his son Joseph and said "If you still love yer' old man grab my ball-sack and make me a promise! It's not that I don't like your new digs, but once I've kicked the bucket don't you dare let my bones ROT in this Godless country. I want them to rest in the Promised Land along with the bones of Dad and Grandpa. Swear it to me boy!"

So Joseph did, and it made the old man so happy he worshiped right there on the spot leaning on his cane.

Sorry I've neglected posting on this thread for awhile, but I performed in so many productions of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" as a younger man that I'm not that interested in this part of the story that much any more.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
And I guess I can't figure out what you post because I can't find a version of the Bible that has more than 28 verses in chapter 45 of Genesis...

Genesis 46:1-28

So the whole kit and caboodle set off for Egypt and when they got as far as Beersheba Israel made a sacrifice to the God of his father Isaac. The LORD spoke to Israel in his dreams: "Jacob, Jacob--"

"I am here, LORD--"

"I AM the God of your father. I know you're nervous about taking everybody to Egypt but don't be - My hand is in it and my plan will make you a great nation and in the fullness of time I will bring the nation Israel out of Egypt, back to the land I promised your father Isaac and Abraham. And Joseph himself will close your eyes."

Encouraged, Jacob continued on the journey with all their wives and children and herds and flocks; all their riches accumulated in Canaan. Everyone of Jacob's descendants traveled with him (except for Er and Onan, who died in Canaan). All in all, wives, sacks, cats, kits, there 70 people (if you include Manasseh and Ephraim, Joseph's sons born in Egypt) of Israel's line who came to Egypt.

And Judah went ahead of the party to Joseph so that he might show them the way to Goshen.


note: the pilgrim's post was from chapter 47, so carry on until 47:29-31
 
Posted by the pilgrim (# 13263) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege:
[QBnote: the pilgrim's post was from chapter 47, so carry on until 47:29-31 [/QB]

I am so sorry. Just a plain old fashioned slip-up from an old A.D.D dyslexic kid who's getting a bit senile to boot!
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
I just figured you really are tired of Joseph-- [Biased]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 46:29-47:10

So Joseph hustled to get his chariot hitched up and he raced up to Goshen; as soon as he saw his father he threw himself on his neck and cried and cried and cried.

Israel (who was rather weepy himself) said, "Now I'm content to die because I have seen your dear face and know that you thrive--"

Joseph told the family, "I'm going up to Pharaoh to let him know you're here; I'll tell him that you keep cattle and sheep and you've brought all the flocks and herds and everything. So here's the protocol: when Pharaoh calls you in front of him and asks what you do, tell him, "Your sevants have kept livestock all our lives, and our fathers before us." Do this, and you shall be able to live in Goshen, because shepherds are loathsome to Egyptians."

Joseph took 5 of his brothers and presented them to Pharaoh and they did just as Joseph instructed them and Pharaoh gave permission for them to live in Goshen. Pharaoh even said, "If there are any capable men among your brothers, give them charge over my livestock, too."

Then Joseph presented his father to Pharaoh and Jacob blessed Pharaoh. "How old are you?" Pharaoh asked him.

"I've sojourned on the earth for 130 years: short, hard work they've been, too, and I'm not as old as my fathers before me." And Jacob blessed Pharaoh once again and left his presence, returning to his family in Goshen.
 
Posted by amber32002 (# 11142) on :
 
Genesis 47:11 to 47:26

When he got back, Joseph gave his dad, brothers and rest of the household a decent bit of land and plenty of food.

Unfortunately, food was pretty scarce elsewhere in the area on account of there being a big famine. Joseph, being a seemingly reasonable sort of chap, contributed some money to help out, but when it was all spent and the Egyptians were still hungry, they wanted to know what he was going to do about it. Being a man with a keen eye for a business opportunity, he suggested he take their cattle in exchange for some more food. Oh, and their horses, sheep, goats, asses - anything that moved, really.

The next year, more famine, more problems. Now the people had no money, no food, and no livestock. The people suggested all they had left was the land, so he might as well have that too, but that meant they were now slaves. At least they'd be alive, though. Joseph was then able to give all the land to the Pharaoh, who no doubt was very delighted.

There's always an exception, of course, and it turns out the priests were allowed to keep their land as they had a Special Financial Deal with the Pharaoh.

Joseph then gave the newly bankrupt enslaved people some seed, but pointed out that the deal was that they give a fifth of their crops to the Pharaoh in perpetutity. They said they were really pleased with all of this...but were they...?
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Minor point in Second Thoughts thread.

Genesis 47:27-28

Israel (the man and the family) lived in Goshen in Egypt and acquired property and were fruitful and multiplied. Jacob himself lived another 17 years, to the ripe old age of 147.

quote:
Originally posted by the pilgrim:
Genesis 47:29-31

One day old Israel got it into his mind that the time was drawing near to box it all up and move to that land wither his fathers had gone before him (the eternal promised land that is). So he called his son Joseph and said "If you still love yer' old man grab my ball-sack and make me a promise! It's not that I don't like your new digs, but once I've kicked the bucket don't you dare let my bones ROT in this Godless country. I want them to rest in the Promised Land along with the bones of Dad and Grandpa. Swear it to me boy!"

So Joseph did, and it made the old man so happy he worshiped right there on the spot leaning on his cane.

now we're ready for Genesis 48
 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
Genesis 48:1-2

One day, while Joseph was busy doing his Egyptian management stuff, a servant came to him, simply saying "Your father is ill." The tone of his voice implied the adjverb "gravely."

And so, with haste, Joseph gathered his two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim, and went to his father. When Jacob heard of his arrival, he, with considerable effort, managed to sit up in bed. The doctors gaped in amazement, for he had not done this for many weeks.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 48:3-11

Old Jacob told Joseph, "God Almighty blessed me; He appeared to me at Luz in Canaan and said, 'I am going to bless your socks off! You'll multiply into a nation and this land I will give to your descendants after your passing.' (which is getting closer--).

Jacob continued, "Your sons born here in Egypt, I'm adopting them: they will be my sons just as Reuben and Simeon are my sons. Any other sons you have, they're yours - but these, these two are mine and they will receive the inheritance with my sons." Jacob seemed to drift for a moment, lost in reminiscence: "When I came from Paddan Aram my beloved Rachel died on the way, much to my grief-- and I buried her there at Bethlehem, on the way to Ephrath."

And then Jacob seemed to notice Ephraim and Manasseh for the first time: "Who are these boys?" he asked querulously.

Joseph told him, "These are my sons (the ones you just adopted--), born here in Egypt: Ephraim and Manasseh."

"Bring them close! I want to bless them!" His eyes had dimmed so much that he could barely see so Joseph led the boys up to their grandfather, who kissed them and held them close. Tears spilled across his face: "I never expected to see your face again and, look! God has even let me see your children."
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 48:12-22

Joseph bowed low before his father and brought his two sons for blessing: Ephraim to Jacob's left and Manasseh to Jacob's right. But Israel crossed his hands as he put them on their heads: his right hand on Ephraim-the-younger's head and his left hand on Manasseh-the-firstborn's head. First he blessed Joseph.

"The God of my fathers Abraham and Isaac has been my Shepherd to this very day, Angel of God Who has redeemed me from evil: bless these boys. Let my name live on in them: Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob! May they grow into a mighty company!"

But Joseph was disturbed to see his father's hands crossed and he took hold of his father's right hand in order to move it to Manasseh's head, saying, "No, Papa, this is the firstborn; give him preeminence."

But Israel was not willing. "Joseph, my son, I know - but I also know something about God favoring as He pleases. Manasseh's tribe will indeed be great but Ephraim's will be even greater."

Thus Jacob blessed them and said, "Israel will bless by one another by you: Israel will say, 'May God make you prosper like Ephraim and Manasseh!'"

Jacob turned to Joseph, "I'm not long for this world but God will be with you and He will bring you back to the land of your fathers. I give you the double portion, more than I give to your eleven brothers, riches I took from the Amorites by sword and bow."
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
We have a request that Jacob's blessing of his sons be taken one son per post, okay?
 
Posted by amber32002 (# 11142) on :
 
Genesis 49: 1-4

1 Then Jacob called for his sons and said:

"Gather around - I've got some good news and some bad news about what's going to be happening to each of you in the next few days and weeks once I've 'shed this mortal coil', ok? Reuben, you are my firstborn, strong and powerful, but on account of how you went onto this dear old Dad's bed with my wife and were rather naughty, you're not going to be as strong and excellent in the future. In fact, I'm not going to treat you like a firstborn son now - you'll just be an ordinary one, and think yourself lucky I didn't do worse to you, ok?"
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
"Simeon and Levi, the two of you suck so much you're together just about maybe worth one son, so I'm going to tell the two of you together straight out: you suck. You thought I'd forgotten that slaughtering of the Shechemites thing, didn't you? No such luck. You're not going to get to live gathered together like your brothers' descendants; no, you're going to be scattered all over."

Genesis 49:5-7

[ 26. March 2008, 17:55: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]
 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
Genesis 49:8-23

Judah, you rock. You rock so hard that all of your brothers shall laud ya. All of your enemies shall live under your iron fist. Not only will your sons praise you, they will bow down to you.

Judah truly is like a lion's cub; he's always been a hunter, no matter the prey. Even in recline, he's so leonine that none would dare arouse him!

The scepter will always be in Judah's hand, and the staff of power shall be forever between his feet, until tribute comes to him, and the obedience of the peoples is his.

This kid is gonna have so many grapes that he shall use grapevines, even the best grapevines to bind his foals and donkey's colts. He will have so much wine he'll use it for laundry detergent, dying his clothes royal purple. In these robes, he shall be kingly, especially with those dark eyes of his. He shall always remember to brush your teeth, and they shall be whitened.

ETA: fixed pronoun

[ 26. March 2008, 20:04: Message edited by: mirrizin ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
N.B. - the above post covers verses 8-12

Genesis 49:13

Zebulun will go down to the sea and be a haven for ships. He will flank Sidon, a border and buffer for his brothers.
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
"Issachar is strong, living in a pleasant valley between good neighbours, neighbours as strong and contented as cattle. So he worked hard, like the neutered ass he is, and sold himself into slavery."

Genesis 49:14-15
 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
Dan will be a governor in Israel.

He'll be like a little snake hiding in the grass that bites a horse's heel so that the rider falls off.

Gen 49:16-17
 
Posted by amber32002 (# 11142) on :
 
Genesis 49:18-19

Jacob paused for a moment and said "I just can't wait for your salvation, God".

Continuing to address his offspring now, he said, "Gad, you're going to be in a huge battle, but you'll win in the end"
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
Genesis 49:20

Asher will provide butter for the Royal slice of bread.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 49:21

As a deer runs and pants for the water, so Naphtali runs poetic.
 
Posted by amber32002 (# 11142) on :
 
Genesis 49: 22-26

Joseph, he's a fine fellow. Although plenty of people in his life have been out to get him, he's defended himself well, using wisdom and courage rather than violence, thanks to God's help. God will undoubtedly keep on blessing him, as I do too.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 49:27

Benjamin's appetite is great: he begins like a wolf by gulping down his prey; as the sun sets he divvies up the spoil.
 
Posted by amber. (# 11142) on :
 
Genesis 49: 28-33

So... Jacob had duly given his blessing/prediction for each of his twelve offspring.

He told them again that he was to die, and wanted to be buried in Ephron's cave. Giving his last careful and detailed instructions on where to find this cave, just in case they got it wrong, he also gave them a clue or two about which other famous names were already buried there, (Abraham and Sarah, Isaac, Rebeckah and Leah).

Jacob then curled up and died.
 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Genesis 50:1-6

Joseph instantaneously went into hyper-grief mode, weeping and kissing his dead father's face. He ordered the physicians to make a mummy of his daddy, and so Israel was embalmed in a process that took 40 days, which is about how long it takes to turn a dead daddy into a mummy. And as if that wasn't service enough, the Egyptians wept for him for 70 days.

When they were finally finished with their weeping, Joe addressed the household of Pharaoh, saying, "If you truly think I'm worthy, deliver the following message to Pharaoh:

My father made me swear an oath; he said, 'I am about to die. In the tomb that I carved out for myself (with my bear hands!) in Canaan, there you shall bury me.'"

Pharaoh heard this message, and without hesitation replied, "Well, I can't really argue with a dead man's dying wish. Go on up and bury your father, as he made you swear to do."
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
Genesis 50:7-9

Everyone who was anyone travelled with Joseph to Canaan for Jacob's funeral: Pharaoh's servants, and his advisors, and all the elders of Egypt, and all the households of Jacob and of Joseph and of his brothers, and chariots and riders. Except they left the children home with the flocks and herds, and Pharaoh stayed home too.

[ 07. April 2008, 20:08: Message edited by: Autenrieth Road ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 50:10-14

When the large company came to the threshing floor of Atad, beyond the Jordan, they mourned for Joseph's father for seven days with intense mourning and great drama, so much so that the locals said, "Wow-- that is one heavy-duty Egyptian act of grief, major big time mourning--" and so they called the place Abel-mizraim, Meadow of Egypt.

So it was that Jacob's sons did for him all that he charged them because they carried him back to Canaan and buried him in the cave of his fathers at Macpelah, in the field that Abraham bought as a burial site for Sarah, lo many years back.

After they finished, the Joseph and his brothers and the whole company returned to Egypt.
 
Posted by Autenrieth Road (# 10509) on :
 
Genesis 50:15-17

"Hey bros, what we gonna do? now that Dad is dead and not able to protect us, Joey might decide it's time to take revenge on us for that little incident with the pit."

(Deep thought by 11 scheming minds)

"I know, let's tell him Dad told him to treat us nicely and not hold the past against us."

(The 11 brothers login.)

From: 11bros@gmail.com
To: zaphnath.paaneah@egypt.gov
Subject: Dad said...
"Hi Joe. Remember that unfortunate incident the last time we saw you before you left for Egypt? Well, Dad said to forgive us for that and treat us nicely. We are really sorry and it won't happen again. Sincerely, the 11 of us who love you a whole lot and please don't forget it."

(Joseph weeps.)
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
Genesis 50:18=26

Realizing that the email was kind of cold, the 11 assembled themselves before Joseph and groveled and said, "We're your servants! (don't kill us please)"

And Joseph realized they still hadn't resolved the guilt from their past actions against him so he tried to set their minds at rest: "Please don't fear me; I'm not God. You were angry and acted against me with evil intent but God Himself meant it for good, in order that all of us and many many others might survive the famine. Please - don't be afraid of me; I will continue to look out for you and your children," and so Joseph reassured his brothers.

Joseph lived out the rest of his life in Egypt, along with all his father's household. He saw his son Ephraim's great-grandchildren (his double-greats) and Manasseh's grandchildren he bounced on his knee.

Finally Joseph called his brothers and said, "I'm dying - but God is going to look out for you; He will bring you out of this land and back to Canaan, the land He Himself swore to give to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob as a lasting inheritance. So you must promise me you will carry my bones up from Egypt when God makes His move."

Joseph was 110 when he died; he was embalmed in the Egyptian manner and put in a coffin.


And so ends Genesis; on to Exodus!
 


© Ship of Fools 2016

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM 6.5.0