What are you doing in Hell?
I'm not sure that I should trust a Reverend who resides in Hell (or Lewisham, for that matter).
So it seems that I am suspicious and have problems trusting people, particularly clergy. What should I do about it?
Yours insecurely,
fs
My local vicar does not have a gynaecological calling so I am at a loss of where else to turn. Which is the most holy method of contraception?
Surely God has given you a word for me about this?
'frin
smuttily,
RC
quote:
I have a problem ministry.
But the gift and call are irrevocable, dear brother. Stick with it!
Any thoughts on what to do about my insatiable appetite for midget funeral directors much appreciated. It's their jaunty little walk as they carry the coffin which gets me going. Oh, oh, oh... deliver me... the Thoughts! the Thoughts!!! 
I have Species Dysphoria. It is something like Gender Dysphoria except... you know. Am I outside God's salvation economy? I've tried to take comfort from the scriptures - especially I've read Luke about the ravens - God feeds them an' everything but Jesus says that people are much more important. Matthew is not much help either with the 2 sparrows bought for a penny. Surely coots are worth more than sparrows? And...(quaver) and they don't fall to the ground apart from the Father's will. Why would he want birds to fall to the ground anyway? That's a terrible thing you know 'cos we can't fly too good to begin with. And Jesus says people are worth more than many sparrows. I reckon coots come somewhere between sparrows and ravens so that makes people much and a half of much more important than coots - do we still get there? You know the Father's house with the many rooms, well, are there some nests for water fowl in there too?
Someone even said that animals don't have souls. I cried for 2 weeks. But then I realised that birds aren't animals, are they? We're a bit like angels really.
Please help,
The Happy Coot.
Of course, that's American coots, the only kind I've seen personally.
At any rate, they're much different from ravens and sparrows. Take comfort, Coot.
~Elizabeth
Sieg-ducking already
Y'know, like writing "Turn to Leviticus for dirty bits" in the Bible in the Choir Stalls?
No-one else did that?
Well, it was last year.. and it was a very boring funeral... 
Is there hope for me? My priest has neither gynecological calling nor bird calling, so I have nowhere else to turn.
As the coot rump is presently happily celibate, it will have to be species dysphoria or nothing.
quote:
Originally posted by The Happy Coot:
Why would he want birds to fall to the ground anyway?
Only Charismatic birds, I think. That's what happens when you fly over Toronto...
fs
Faintsaint
It seems that I am suspicious and have problems trusting people, particularly clergy. What should I do about it?
Alas and woe unto thee Faintsaint! For thou art possessed by a spirit of unbelief.
And if you don't believe that, what more proof do you need?
The Spirit in question is Belshazzagog, the notorious Demon of Doubt who inhabits the hair of unbelievers. The only way to be delivered is to pull out all your hair (no, shaving is not enough!) and bathe in Holy Oil from the Mount of Olives (16.99 a bottle from RGA Ministries).
Now what is nice Christian young girl doing thinking of such sordid and disgraceful things? Your mind should be focussed on doves and sunsets and God's lovely kittens.
Anyway, surely this is a matter for your husband to decide.
If the brother in question were to seek my discernment on this delicate matter I should remind him of the only 2 places where the whole unpleasant subject is mentioned in Scripture.
Genesis 38 makes it clear that coit*s inter*ptus is punishable by death.
And then 2 Samuel 20:8 says "And Joab's sword was fastened upon his loins in the sheath thereof; and as he went forth it fell out." I think it's quite clear what that's getting at.
Such warnings make it quite clear that all prophyacticism is an abomination before the Lord, and it is the duty of every Christian couple to contribute to the worldwide population explosion that promises to destroy civilisation and hasten the Day of the Lord.
Well, it's most irregular, but the Bible nowhere specifically says that cannibalism is a sin. So as long as you wait until the diminutive merchants death die of natural causes before tucking in, then remember Genesis 9:3: "Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you." I think that's from the Lord.
The only role birds have to play in the divine order of things is to be eaten by humans and to be sacrificed to put right our sin. This should be enough for anyone.
Anyway, how does a coot operate a mouse?
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
The only way to be delivered is to pull out all your hair (no, shaving is not enough!) and bathe in Holy Oil from the Mount of Olives (16.99 a bottle from RGA Ministries).
My Dear Reverend
Thank you so much for your reply. I was actually beginning to doubt your very existence (see how serious my problem was?) until I was delivered with your message from the Lord! Forgive my unbelief once more.
However, I have a further problem. I misread your wisdom-filled response. I pulled out the bath and bathed my hair with Holy Oil. Now I have a terribly greasy head and no bath to wash it in. What shall I do? Is this the Lord's vengeance for me using
Somerfield Wingnut Oil at £1.99 a gallon instead of your kosher Holy Oil?
Yours in increasing desperation.
fs
quote:
Well, it's most irregular, but the Bible nowhere specifically says that cannibalism is a sin. So as long as you wait until the diminutive merchants death die of natural causes before tucking in, then remember Genesis 9:3: "Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you." I think that's from the Lord.
I'm most disappointed. I meant, of course, my SEXUAL appetite - not to say gynaecological...
Though it would give a whole new meaning to 'After the Funeral, nibbles will be served to the mourners.'
I was a bit sad to hear that the ministry of coots is to be eaten or offered in sacrifice. I was even tempted to rail against your discernment, however, as I am a quietly-governed Anglican prayerbook coot, well, we don't do that sorta thing.
Anyway, I've got a question from a friend.
Is it permissible for the People's Warden (or their proxy) to know the Bishop in the biblical sense in order to effect a subdivision of church land, whereby all proceeds from the sale of the spare bit remain in the parish? The Diocesan Registrar is being a bit intractable about the whole affair.
It would be a sort of sacrificial act. No greater love and all that. I know St Francis said something about preaching the gospel without words. This would sort of qualify, wouldn't it?
I am plucking myself as I wait in order to be prepared for my ultimate service,
The Happy Coot.
I have a problem with my boss, which perhaps can best be phrased in terms of a multiple choice question:
My boss is producing a brochure publicising your new software product. While he's happy with the content, his devastatingly handsome and amazingly talented design and writing guy hasn't produced a very good cover.
Does he:
A: ask him to find a picture to put on the cover?
B: get him to put an abstract design that says 'technical' on the cover?
C: get him to put a large, artfully presented and catchy slogan on the cover?
D: ask him to put a flowchart on the cover, with the added proviso that it 'look like a breast'?
If you answered A, B, or C, you have a reasonably normal boss. If you answered D, you have my boss.
Two days I spent on that bloody thing. And halfway through the first day, he asked me to 'make it a bit more pert'.
I'm at my wit's end. What do I do, Rev Gerald?
bb
Can you post the finished product here?
quote:
Originally posted by Wood:
Two days I spent on that bloody thing. And halfway through the first day, he asked me to 'make it a bit more pert'.
I'm at my wit's end. What do I do, Rev Gerald?
I thought you were a married man, Wood? I thought that you would have worked it out by now...
fs
quote:
Originally posted by babybear:
it is not reasonable to use a flowchart as a over illustrations. It screams "70s computer textbook" and not "amazingly good bit of software".
Damn right, Babybear. Which is what i told him.
I told him it was stupid.
He told me where my paycheque was coming from. Settled that one, I can tell you 
And no, SB, this is God's honest truth. Every word of it. I'll post up the result in a little while - but I'll have to remove the brand name from it... give us a couple of days.
You have no idea how many times I have heard those words in the course of my life - my professional life that is of course, not my personal life. Any disappointment I may have caused to the alternative gender personally was either in my heathen days (Wednesdays and Saturdays), or more likely by my glorious calling to celibacy.
As for your own disappointment, all I can say is the whole coital area is one huge disappointment, because that's how God intended it, and the sooner you put such impure activities behind you, figuratively speaking, the better.
I have no idea what you're talking abut and therefore denounce your scheme utterly.
May the locusts of Moab devour thy progeny, thou unclean publican!
Look, if you're not going to follow my word for you, then any personal disasters you bring upon yourself are your own problem.
Unfortunately, having a problem ministry means that your problems are also mine. You see what a pain in the Balaam's ass this job is?
However I don't really see that you have much of a problem.
Your hair is greasy? When you've pulled it out as I instructed, it won't be. Well, it will be greasy, but it won't be on your head.
And you have no bath to wash it in? Why would you want to wash it when you've pulled it out?
Honestly, the kind of flock one gets these days. Sign of the times, I suppose.
It is just my friend fancies you!
(not gossiping of course)
Maddie
Beenster
You want to be careful talking to a man of God like that. Of course the Lord long ago delivered the temptations of the flesh under my victorious feet, but it can still be quite an effort not to look down.
The answer to your impertinent question, my child, is that I am wed to Him before Whom we are all but as the gone off cucumber of time in the salad tray of eternity - the only kind of same sex marriage sanctioned by the Scriptures.
Tell your friend she has a Spirit of Inappropriate Advances to the Clergy, and if she wants ministry to contact me by email.
I will go back to bed and watch telly as my punishment.
I remain ever humble and grovelling prostate at your great feet (what size do you take?)
No, you may not. My Christian name is in fact 'Rev' - my parents knew the will of God for my life from the start.
I remain ever humble and grovelling prostate at your great feet
You want to be careful doing that too.
what size do you take?
I've said it before and I'll say it again: size doesn't matter. Man (and more to the point woman) looks on the outside, but God looks at the inside. And if you could see the inside of my feet you'd realise it's better to drop the whole issue.
Though if you must know they're size 12.
Revolting?
Revolving door?
Revised standard verison?
Revenge?
Am I close?
Also I am intrigued by the lineage of Ambulance - can you trace your ancestory at all? If so what did your Ambulances in days gone by do Rev?
A friend of mine draws silly pictures during sermons and one can only assume that... um... she isn't really listening. Is this a sin, and if so is it a bad one?
I'd also like to ask whether you or anyone you know is coming along on the ship of fools weekend. It's just that I, like beenster, would like to sit at your feet and listen to your teachings. If there's time we could also converse on the ways of holiness.
Also it might persuade beenster to come on the weekend, which would be a good thing all round. Amen?
W
Have you repented on their behalf, Rev Gerry??
Every Sunday a number of parishioners show up to services late--between 15 and 20 minutes late. They always enter the chapel by the rear door and then try to squeeze into already crowded pews, and spend a good deal of time during the service asking what the announcements were in very loud whispers.
I find this a great distraction to worship and a bother when I have to move myself, or my coat or husband, or both, while the service is going on.
What's a good way of informing these people they are being rude (to God and humanoids) by being late every single Sunday?
Smoulderingly,
Elizabeth
Please help. Dyfrig has developed an obsession with (his own?) idolatrous bollocks. Can he be delivered from this?
Yours anxiously,
'frin
quote:
Originally posted by frin:
Dear Reverend,Please help. Dyfrig has developed an obsession with (his own?) idolatrous bollocks. Can he be delivered from this?
Yours anxiously,
'frin
The mind boggles... on better thoughts, I guess it shouldnt boggle for too long.
....Lev
p.s: What colour are they Dyfrig? We could compare notes - email me! (that *is* sarcaism BTW before anyone reads too much into that)
quote:
...I am wed to Him before Whom we are all but as the gone off cucumber of time in the salad tray of eternity - the only kind of same sex marriage sanctioned by the Scriptures.
My dear Fr. Ambulance (may I call you Father?)
I am awestruck/icken at the erudition of your replies to these sinners.
Might I inquire, with groveling respect learned at the feet of Miss Monica, where you developed the talent to string together your similes and metaphors??
I have lived in the southern part of the United States (New Nitey Stayuts) so I have developed a keen admiration for Picheresk language. But you just slay me.
I bet you have dogs living under your porch.
tomb
quote:
Originally posted by frin:
Dear Reverend,Please help. Dyfrig has developed an obsession with (his own?) idolatrous bollocks. Can he be delivered from this?
Yours anxiously,
'frin
Oh dear, if she is writting like thi before the wedding, just imagine the fate of that poor Welshman *after*!
Dyfrig dear, there is still time to run back over the boarder. We will protect you. If this 'frin maniac follows we shall subject her to close-harmony singing, in Welsh!
bb
I don't know if you can help a friend of mine - mentioning no names but Lev has got this serious fettish with bubble wrap. He is having an affair with some really manky old stuff. Although he would deny it hotly.
Do you think the gone off cucumber of slime could minister to him in some shape or form?
be a good sport and help him out eh?
quote:
Lev has got this serious fettish with bubble wrap. He is having an affair with some really manky old stuff. Although he would deny it hotly.
Is that true Lev? Have you been seeing my bubble wrap? I thought it had been acting strangely recently and not popping so well.
Right then matey boy, pistols at dawn I think
Spike
quote:
Originally posted by Beenster:...Lev ... would deny it hotly.
I don't see what the trouble is about. It's when these people no longer enjoy their perversities but still continue to do them that dysfunction arises.
As long as there's some warmth and not complete ennui, he's probably ok. At least, he won't be bored.
Sykologically yours,
tomb
It isn't short for anything, thou foolish woman of Bashan!
Behold, here (figuratively speaking) come the 10 wise virgins and 9 foolish virgins. They seem to be short, and I think you can help them out, can't you?
If my name was short for anything it would be short for Reverend. But my parents knew that if they called me that, people would shorten it, and they couldn't bear shortened names, so they called me Rev, which you can't shorten.
Anyway revenge and revolting are both sins, the Revised Standard Verison is the sporron of Beelzebub, and revolving doors - well I expect they're sinful too if you look into it enough.
Also I am intrigued by the lineage of Ambulance - can you trace your ancestory at all? If so what did your Ambulances in days gone by do Rev?
Yes I can trace my ancestry right back to God, via Adam and Eve. But as I'm a child of God anyway, there doesn't seem to be much point.
Some of my more anointed ancestors include:
Sir Hallelujah Ambulance of Putney, a Major-General in Cromwell's New Model Army, who, in his relentless campaign against paganism, burned over 100 maypoles, abolished 31 June (aka Frottage Day, celebrated with notorious frivolity and inappropriateness), reduced Stone-Wood-and-Glass Henge to its current state of disrepair, and expelled all heathen deities from the county of Suffolk.
St Ursula Stretcher, another glorious conqueror of paganism. She was a missionary to the pagan tribes in 8th-century Belgium, and had extraordinary success in converting countless whole tribes to The Way Of Life Everlasting, in their entirety. Her technique was to live among them in humility and usefulness, convert one person, and then kill the rest of the tribe.
And Skubala, Bishop of Phrygia, who attended the Council of Nicea in 325, and achieved the supernatural feat of disagreeing with every single person there (and the Emperor who was married) including on several occasions himself.
Refusing to subscribe to the Nicene Creed, which he denounced as "simplistic, deluded and guilty of an average 12 1/2 errors per word", he published his own creed, which translated reads: "I believe you're all a bunch of laughable no-brain heretics."
(quotes) 'I'm a fetish number from nowhere, and I don't care/It started with cling-film and I never looked back/The feel of bubble-wrap gave me the confidence I lack'...
The audience used to dress up in bubble wrap. (Should I admit to knowing that? Oh dear, now Rev Ambulance will need to pray for my deliverance when he meets me at the St Simeon's Weekend!)
I am going to have to take you to task. You may think that you know everythign but I am not from Bashan as you seem to think. If you had an ounce of common sense you would see from my posts that I am from Brighton. That should be obvious to all so I fail to see why you have a problem with it.
Singularly unimpressed.
btw - regarding my friend who fancied you - are you avoiding her because you have not yet come out
quote:
Originally posted by Beenster:
Hey Revvie!I don't know if you can help a friend of mine - mentioning no names but Lev has got this serious fettish with bubble wrap. He is having an affair with some really manky old stuff. Although he would deny it hotly.
Do you think the gone off cucumber of slime could minister to him in some shape or form?
be a good sport and help him out eh?
I'M SHOCKED!!! How could you do this to me Beenster? And I thought I coudl trust you!
::breaks down into uncontrollable sobbin'::
Whhhyyyy???? O Whhhhhyyyy???
This so called "Rev" will not be able to advise you on this matter.. as I happen to know "he" (questionable there as well if you ask me), has also been spotted at secret underground bubblewrap "popping" sessions in Exeter, during the late 1980's. Who knows what depravities this so called "Christian" is still up to!
....Lev (Almost like Rev, but without that revolting "R")
The sinfulness of not listening to sermons is one of the hottest controversies of our age. But I have covered the subject in much prayer, fasting and transubstantiated sacramental wine.
For thy sake, O Wibblethorpe, I have sought the the Lord by day and sought the Lord by night. And then, in the morning, I found him! He was everywhere, just like he always is.
So that was worth it.
On the one hand, I must insist that all sermons are the voice of God and you must listen to them as you would if it were God talking to you - which it is.
On the other hand, every sermon I've ever heard, apart from my own, was so full of false teaching, heresy and implausible illustrations that clearly I am one of the few who can actually preach sermons and the rest are false so-called sermon-type utterances. So probably best not to listen to any of them.
As for drawing pictures, this always risks violating the second commandment. But so long as your "friend" is not actually engraving it's not too sinful.
Let's say 1 day in purgatory for a picture of Jesus being nice, 183 years for a flowchart with bossoms, and anything in between I'm sure you can work out for yourself using the Ministryoscope Ministries Iniquity Slide Rule.
And if it's anything worse than a flowchart with bossoms, I hardly need say, don't sit next to her any more.
Rest assured if I am there, I shall not hold back the Word, but be happy to bring some ministry that really speaks into your situation.
Also it might persuade beenster to come on the weekend, which would be a good thing all round.
Hmmm... I suppose it would be a good opportunity to develop my ministry to repentant floosies.
To start with my name is Rev Gerald, not Gerry. How would you like it if I shortened your name to - well, anyway, how would you like it?
And as for your "research", O thou little fish ensnared in the claws of the enemy, it is the way of darkness.
For I have it on the authority of God himself that "Ambulance" is Tongues for "God loves you, & wants you to really surrender your fear, & go forward into a time of deep blessing." Which is what more or less everything means in Tongues, of course.
So why don't you go and repent yourself, and let this be a lessonto you to trust in the authority of God's ministers before turning to such false witnesses as "evidence", "information" and ""research""?
My solution to this is simple.
In St Ursula's, for each minute that each individual is late, I extend my sermon for a minute.
This Sunday for example, a family of 4 five minutes late allowed me to get from Jeremiah to Amos in my 'Survey of Curses Against the Moabites' mini-series.
The collective hostility of the fellowship towards the offenders means that they rearely reoffend, or indeed return. And good riddance.
Mind you... often when one givessuch a prophecy all sorts of people come and 'fess up after the service, and you get to know all the gossip!
For prayer, naturally.
I am sorry to hear that Brother Dyfrig's Beelzebub's-Baubles have become an item of idolatry and obsession to him.
'Tis often the way that the good (and not so good) gifts of the Lord become a stumbling block.
2 Kings 18:4 says "Hezekiah brake in pieces the brazen serpent that Moses had made: for unto those days the children of Israel did burn incense to it."
I think the remedy for idolatry that this verse directs you to is obvious.
I am concerned about your signature - I think it may be breaking the 9th commandment - have you read them may I ask? Are you on commission for Kinder Eggs or something?
(I read disclosure)
May I prevail upon you to share a secret so dark and tormenting, that I have had no sleep since the day this sordid saga began?
A young man at the church I attend recently become very forward with me, first of all by saying that he found my hand knitted bobble design jumpers very fetching and then by inviting me to the annual woodmakers conference being held in Grimsby in 2005. I was secretly quite pleased with his compliment about the jumpers (is this pride) and agreed to share a packet of mily bar buttons with him one afternoon after the sermon. During this half hour of time spent alone this young man leaned forward and asked if he could kiss me. I, of course, was mortified by this display of forwardness - does he not know that this is how babies are made? Oh dear RevGerald, I am so confused, I do so like this young man but if he persists in this immoral behaviour, what must I do? Please help.
Howzit goin'? 
(Just trying out a new look)
It's me again...it was pointed out to me by an extremely reliable source that my visitor, Sven the Moose, may have been surfing for naughty sites on the web, and when discovered quickly attempted to cover up by returning to the SoF page.
Indeed, my source pointed out that a search of Google on the words "moose" and "sex" turned up 53,000 hits.
I'm concerned about Sven and his obsession with these naughty sites. What can one do to prevent this happening as he continues his world tour?
--Elizabeth
Disappointment oozes from every one of my pores...
'frin
The importance of ritual baths has recently come to my attention. The establishment where I live kindly allows me the use of the bird bath. What steps should be taken to make it sanctified and fit for the purpose?
Also, I think I have to take one each time I lay an egg. Are there any other times I should ritually purify myself?
The Happy Coot.
PS. The prayers of the brothers and sisters have helped me a lot in coming to terms with my roles in life as sacrificial offering and comestible.
quote:
Originally posted by frin:
The Rev Gerald is almost certainly occupying himself with important missionary and pastoral tasks (hopefully not of a gynacological nature). When it is time, he will return.'frin
Humph! I bet he's on holiday!
Tirian
quote:
When it it time, he will return.
And why should he? The laity seem quite capable of giving themselves suitable advice. Who needs clergy?
tomb
I seem to remember hints that various posts of a salacious nature were to be expected.
And what do we get? Crappy little problems that any doorstepping JW could have a stab at.
Okay Gerald, I leave my current school on Tuesday. i have been told to take several changes of clothes. There is a tradition of gunging/hosing down/squirting with cvarious unsavoury substances any teacher foolhardy enough to leave.
What is the best colour tee-shirt to wear to avoid UnChristian emphasis on my admittedly large feminine accoutrements?
P.S. I have quite big tits, too.
Only the Lord knows everything, but I know how to spell everything.
If you had an ounce of common sense you would see from my posts that I am from Brighton. That should be obvious to all so I fail to see why you have a problem with it.
Common sense is the cloak of unrighteousness and the kagool of unholiness!
Doeth Scripture say the fruit of the spirit is common sense?
Did Our Lord say unto his disciples "A new commandment I give unto you, that you use your noodle"?
Did St Paul say "There is therefore now no condemnation for those with a bit of nous?"
No, and again I say, no!
By common sense the enemy would have me cross the road to church at the lights, the way of the heathen. But by faith alone I cover my eyes and step out against the motorised flow and witness to the rapidly oncoming world by my miraculous preservation from fatal injury.
Look, how many times do I have to explain to you soul-darkened Amalekites about my evil science-fiction doppelganger?
I cannot be held responsible for the depraved ways of my exact double, created by Lucifer's minnions for obvious reasons, at a time when I was at the Bangor Indoctrination Institute working devotedly on my BJ thesis "Can the devil be defeated by reciting the Satanic Bible backwards?".
Posting under someone's login is surely a bootable offence, is it not?
For a Protestant you seem awfully obsessed with Purgatory.
Please explain yourself, you naughty, crypto-romish heretic.
DP
PS I know how to spell bosoms.
Rev. Gerald Ambulance, for ignoring your flock, I think you deserve a millennium in Purgatory - no bail, no masses said, no remissions, no indulgences or anything else to lessen the amount of time necessary to purge you of the horrible tendency to encourage intimacy of the deepest kind, and then leave the confessee dangerously hanging.
May all the curses of Moab fall on your head!
And may it rain sulfur on all your places of abode!
[corrected spelling]
[ 25 July 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
Wet, sticky, and ... well you can imagine the rest. But not a word of spiritual sustenance from Rev Gez.
Hah!
AND the male stripper... well... fortunately, words fail me. For £5 they might not...
And so when you decided that I fitted the bill as not only "foolish" but also a "virgin" well I was somewhat hurt as you can imagine.
I also hear you have a healing ministry - will you deliver me of both these things?
We're waiting, Rev.
I notice that someone has been involved in a, shall we say, cleansing of the Augean Stables?
And I daresay, Fr. Ambulance, that you are currently very busy washing your, er, ... socks... in your sink.
A noble undertaking for a clergy-person of such distinction.
tomb
I'm glad to say that this abomination is directly attributable to demonic attack (specifically the work of Monkwaster Bathmucus, the spirit of pseudepigrapha, plagiarism and New Testament scholarship) and therefore proves just how scared the Despicable One is of the work which I humbly but mightily perform, in the service of Him before whom we are all, even I, but as the irritating but inaccessible semi-hardened phlegm of time in the nasal passage of eternity.
Anyhow the Rev's back in town, (this year's Ibiza beach mission was an unprecedented success) and some of his wayward flock have got some serious disciplinary measures to look forward too.
Nothing could be further from the truth, my child. I would avoid such a Delilah all the more if I were outdoors.
In fact staying indoors is one of the most under-rated stratagies in avoiding the pollutions of the world, and the snares of the flesh - allowing us to devote our energies to more constructive pursuits such as developing a more obsessive spirituality - depending on whom you stay indoors with, of course.
The character you speak of was a notorious heretic who wickedly taught that it is impossible to predict the future - though one day we will be able to.
Therefore it was perfectly proper for Bishop Gwenfrewi to invite him for tea and feed him poisoned welshcakes.
What is your view of what history can teach us in our walk with the Lord?
Well, don't have tea with Bishops called Gwenfrewi, I suppose.
Well he told me, he didn't. This means one of us is a false prophetess, and although I will not say which one it is, I think the flock can draw their own conclusions.
The Bible is quite clear that for such an offence you should be stoned. May I recommend Ministryoscope Ministries Celestial Strength Romanian Incense "Bringing A Whole New Meaning To High Church".
He also said that there was someone on this board involved in a secret and embarrassing sin and that that person should come to me, admit it and I'd tell them if they were right. I have a feeling it might be you, Brother Gez.
Wrong again. It is a matter of policy in this church that the pastor has no secrets from the people. (Their policy, not mine, I hardly need add.)
Ask anyone here. After all, was there not that shameful incident in 1989 where I fell into the sin of judging Sister Maureen Throttle for her attempt to kill me after I had to excommunicate her for saying "Amen" with her head uncovered?
No, we already have all the openness we need round here thanks.
(It isn't how can I put it, anything to do with danish pastries, is it?)
Mind you... often when one gives such a prophecy all sorts of people come and 'fess up after the service, and you get to know all the gossip!
What do they say?
(To help me expand my ministerial experience, you understand.)
[Corrected spelling. "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."]
[ 28 July 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
I think not -
"Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour."
As the only person I referred to in my "signature" was myself, and I by no means live next door to myself, I really don't see how I can be accused of breaking that commandment.
Nevertheless, for the sake of the tender of conscience, I have changed it.
So you're the one.
Yes, I did. So did Ross Kemp, Brother John Paul II, Mr Burns, and the sheriff.
Funny old world, isn't it?
There's this woman in the choir who just won't shut up. She sings next to me. Her vocal timbre is very nasal and hard and rather forced. I feel like I go crazy everytime I sit next to her. What do I do?
Well he told me, he didn't. This means one of us is a false prophetess, and although I will not say which one it is, I think the flock can draw their own conclusions.
well they ceratinly will, if you class yourself as a prophetess and have an alter-ego called 'Steve'...
The Bible is quite clear that for such an offence you should be stoned.
I have never inhaled. I resent such a remark. In the words of the Blessed Brian (as opposed to Brian Blessed)- How Rude!
May I recommend Ministryoscope Ministries Celestial Strength Romanian Incense "Bringing A Whole New Meaning To High Church".
You may recommend all you wish. Your poxy little pyramid-selling enterprise is not going to get any more of MY money after the Ho;y Mary Mother Of God Holy Water Pistol fiasco. I'm still waiting for the cheque.
It is a matter of policy in this church that the pastor has no secrets from the people.
You just go offline when your carnal urges threaten to overtake, is that it?
As I recall, Sister Maureen's problem was not so much that her head was uncovered, rather its position at the time. But let's leave it there. I still have the videotape.
(It isn't how can I put it, anything to do with danish pastries, is it?)
No. Hedgehogs, actually.
Anyway, I am still far from satisfied with your performance so far. Your reputation seems over-inflated to me, and I guess that might go for other parts of you too.
So. I shall deal with the trauma of the Male Stripper on my own. My chest size shall remain a source of concern only to the Lady at Marks and Spencer and Billy Smarts Inc (tarpaulin section).
Hah!
Oh, yes.
A young man at the church I attend recently become very forward with me, first of all by saying that he found my hand knitted bobble design jumpers very fetching and then by inviting me to the annual woodmakers conference being held in Grimsby in 2005. I was secretly quite pleased with his compliment about the jumpers (is this pride) and agreed to share a packet of mily bar buttons with him one afternoon after the sermon. During this half hour of time spent alone this young man leaned forward and asked if he could kiss me. I, of course, was mortified by this display of forwardness - does he not know that this is how babies are made? Oh dear RevGerald, I am so confused, I do so like this young man but if he persists in this immoral behaviour, what must I do? Please help.
Are you sure you have not misunderstood this young man, my child?
If he is a godly youth - and what other kind could you possibly like? - then he will be immersed in the language of Scripture. He will know that "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth" expresses the willingness of the Christian soul to receive strictly spiritual blessings from above. (The only kind worth having and the only direction worth having them from.)
So when this righteous youth says he wants to 'kiss' you, I'm sure he is simply offering to impart some much needed worshipful ministry unto your soul.
My advice is to go back and tell him you are ready to receive, and let the laying on of hands commence.
No tongues though.
REVEREND Gez!
It pains me to have to reprimand you again so publicly (privately is another matter - I have my diary ready by the phone but Wednesday remains the best day for me...) BUT...
...I cannot think it right that you should counsel Paula to undergo this ordeal without recourse to the prayerful utterances of the Holy Spirit.
Many a time it has only been His groans which have seen me through the night when my own words failed me.
(Which they did last Wednesday, BTW!!)
To be fair, I don't think we as humans are really in a position to judge the sexual ethics of a moose, certainly not a stuffed toy one.
Let him have his sordid pleasures. It's not as if he has a soul to lose. Who cares really?
I have just heard a truely shocking thing, from a Hell-host! He said that he was going to shutdown this vehicle of your ministry.
I know that the creatures of Hell are renouned for their lying abilities. But perviously I had thought that the Hell-hosts tended not to engage in such diabolical schemes.
Dear Rev, is it all a ploy to get us posting again so that Hell can reclaim its position as having 'more posts than Heaven' or is it simply an icky ploy to stop your ministry?
A concerned friend
I was wondering if you were ever going to reply to my two posts... I gave up in despair.
If only you realised to what extent your negligence has affected the spiritual lives of the less sane of us shipmates!
What a horrible scam to play on those who inherently trust you because your first name happens to be "Rev."
These kind of games shouldn't really be attempted unless the person starting them is prepared to carry it through to the end - and sum it up so there are no loose threads - no pun intended!
(I am not joking about the demonic attack BTW... very very scary stuff - and I am not some pentecostal liable to see demons everywhere, I am a sane Anglo Catholic...)
Clutching her cruifix,
How mistaken you are. I never cared for you, my little ones, any more than I do right now.
As the saying goes, when you feel that the Rev is distant, it's you that have moved.
Disappointment oozes from every one of my pores...
No, that's ectoplasm. You want to see someone about that. Having your spirit of distrust and rebellion exorcised ought to do the trick.
So what have you been up to while you have been away - can we have diary sessions? A glance into the day of Gezza at work? Go on be a sport you know you relish the chance at showing off any time?
Or were you sinning very badly - how many children have you fathered in the last month or so?
Massive assumption on my behalf.
No problems and nothing to confess from my quarter.
I tell you - he's just like you'd think he would be - only slightly taller.
Reverend Father Gerald, if I too want to minister like you with the associated potential for book sales what should I do? Did you go to seminary, or would buying a copy of 'My first guitar chords for praise and worship' be a better direction to take?
Br Wibblethorpe
And here I am ready, have been ready, always will be ready to...
Clearly you have an administration problem with your flock. The sheep, the goats. Not to mention the wolves in sheep's clothing. And with all the demands that they make on your leisure time, oops, I mean the Lord's time. And let's face it, some of them are just downright tedious. A gentleman of your stature and dignity really shouldn't be arsed with all that.
So what I have in mind is for me to administrate your parish. I propose to appoint a curate for you. The Happy Coot is just gagging to get started. She can deal with all the dross that you wouldn't touch with a bargepole, and all the juicy stuff, I mean highly sensitive matters that need your experience and gentle empathy, can be forwarded direct to you. A small administrative token chargeable to each of your flock will never trouble you whatsoever.
And what would it take to bring about this state of bliss? I merely ask that you assign all syndication and franchising rights in the name "Rev Gerald Ambulance" and any combination or permutation of words pertaining thereto to me - I have a contract here that Dyfrig was so kind as to draw up for me earlier.
Do we have a deal?
Anointing with Holy Oil from the Mount of Olives (£72.99 per bushel) followed by the laying on of hands (soon followed by the washing of hands) should do the trick. Unfortunately, I don't suppose you have hands, so maybe you should take this as another reminder to know your station and leave spirituality to us humans.
It's not that God doesn't love birds, but they have a different role to play in the church from humans. To be eaten and sacrificed to the demands of human spirituality is a valuable and worthwhile ministry that you must learn to be content with.
I am shocked and saddened to hear about the Anglican Church's discussing the possibility of ordaining birds to the priesthood. How can the flock be represented to the Lord (or vice versa) by someone with a beak?
I quite understand those who feel they can't take the sacrament from someone who probably had a bath in it beforehand, and I am more than happy to offer my services to them as a non-flying bishop.
Also, I think I have to take one each time I lay an egg. Are there any other times I should ritually purify myself?
Yes, there are: any activity that makes you impure. But this shounds suspisiously like a ruse to make me list naughty goings-on - an online equivalent to the sin of leafing through Leviticus looking for the rude bits. You won't catch me that way, birdy.
tomb
And why should he? The laity seem quite capable of giving themselves suitable advice. Who needs clergy?
CharlottePlatz
Down with the clergy, down with the clergy, down with the clergy!!!
Nunc Dimittis
Rev. Gerald Ambulance, for ignoring your flock, I think you deserve a millennium in Purgatory
Now on to you dissidents, dissenters, troublemakers, rebels, Korahs, Dathans and Abirams and mockers of the Lord's anointed.
In the good old days, I could have had you smoking on a stick for this kind of abomination, but in these Godless times you can't hit a sulky Sunday schooler about the head with stole without getting into trouble with the local authorities. And in an online congregation like this, I my options for chastisement and discipline, corporal or otherwise, are even more woefully limited.
So may I just implore you to examine your consciences - preferably in a moment of vulnerability and self-loathing - and then come crawling back to me asking for forgiveness. Then, if the Lord is willing, I may readmit you to our little flock, when you have completed the usual course of penance and re-education. I call it it the Beta course.
Until then may I lovingly and with tears of pity, extend unto you all the middle finger of fellowship.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, verily at this time the scriptures are being fulfilled which say "Woe!"
The Lord revealed to me last night that Gez has been making guest appearances as the preacher on South PARKah... Ministering mightily in the LORDah...
For more exclusive titbits direct from Our Lord's Mouth, call this number: 0800 666 666
(Calls cost £8 per minute.)
You are the greatest the best master of the universe.
I want to have your babies you great stud muffin
Forgive me father, for I have sinned...
I was wrong. You are a sane individual, well balanced, right on the Royal Telephone direct to God, and I have made an error in saying you should spend a millenium in Purgatory.
I should have said you will be going straight to Hell; your ministry merits infinitely more than Purgatory, and I truly believe Hell is the place for you to continue this admirable work in the Lord's Service.
There is nothing remotely exciting about my use of an earthly amanuensis to deliver unto you my anointed utterances, and unfallible, sorry infallible, decrees.
If pseudepigrapha was good enough for SS Paul and Peter, I don't see why I shouldn't avail myself of its convenience.
After all, it matters not who brings the word of the Lord, as we who labour in the pulpit are mere empty vessels, irrelevant conduits to pipe the Word of Truth into the equally irrelevant receptacles sitting in the pews.*
In the same way, it matters not who brings my word unto you, as long as it is mine, and not some counterfeit of human devising.
(Not that I mean to compare myself to Him before whom we are all but as the fresh soiling upon the finger of mortality that has just ruptured the toliet roll of eternity. But if you wish to make the comparison yoursleves, who am I to stop you?)
It only remains to express my measureless gratitude to the 79 of you who electronically mailed me to alert me to the situation, which otherwise would of course have utterly escaped my attention forever.
I cannot think what I would do without you, except maybe nail my toes one by one to the floor to pass the time.
yours in the slaying of all apocalyptic beasts
RGA
*Which means certain worryingly popular so-called preachers I could mention who got bigger crowds than me at the recent "Exegesis for the Common Man" festival, were evidently diluting the word of the Lord with their own observations, interpretations and anecdotes and therefore should never be asked back.
[corrected spelling. Bwwaahhh hahahahaha!]
[ 02 September 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
Gill, my faithful sapling in the spirit, I cannot stress strongly enough, whoever promised you sex, it was not me. Therefore I think it more proper that you take up your disappointment with the gentleman concerned, rather than me. May I suggest that it was probably your husband?
I also think you might reconsider your choice of newspaper. I find that The Strict and Particular Pentecostal Reformed Last Days Clarion, Judgmentalism Today, and The Deptford Godbotherer give me all the information about the contemporary world that I need (i.e. none at all), plus sound theological blathering, kosher recipes, and the glossolalia crossword. With no misleading titillation of any kind.
I seem to remember hints that various posts of a salacious nature were to be expected.
And what do we get? Crappy little problems that any doorstepping JW could have a stab at.
Maybe you should refrain from judging the size of other people's problems (and of any other personal items for that matter) in relation to the enormity of your own.
Okay Gerald, I leave my current school on Tuesday. i have been told to take several changes of clothes. There is a tradition of gunging/hosing down/squirting with various unsavoury substances any teacher foolhardy enough to leave.
What is the best colour tee-shirt to wear to avoid UnChristian emphasis on my admittedly large feminine accoutrements?
Well, technically black. But unfortunately the wearing of black is an open invitation to demonic possession, so probably best to go for dark blue.
P.S. I have quite big tits, too.
I am speechless with horror at this crude and unnecessary information. Female biology is an abomination before the Lord, or at least unjustified mentioning of it is.
Not that you deserve it, but I have spent the last half hour laying hands on the photograph on your website in a last ditch attempt to reclaim you from the spirits of uncalled-for fleshly sayings.
May I suggest a full length picture would be useful in future?
Protestant? I am a minister of the Pentecostal Reformed Church,* which abjures all other churches for their manifold and manifest heresies, be they Protestant, Catholic or whatever those other fellows call themselves.
In fact the only people who don't seem to have succumbed to willful ignorance of the plain truth of the Scriptures are God and me. (And in fact even I used to be wrong about a few things.) Thank goodness we two at least can see eye to eye.
*Or to be exact, the Free Independent, Spectacularly Strict & Particular, Non-Heretical Pentecostal Reformed who abjure all other forms of Pentecostal Reformedism. And in fact all other forms of Spectacularly Strict & Particular, Non-Heretical Pentecostal Reformedism.
Simple. I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
I was briefly, but I'm all right now.
I believe I mentioned somewhere - the full-length photos are by request only, with payment in advance.
quote:
Originally posted by Gill:
I believe I mentioned somewhere - the full-length photos are by request only, with payment in advance.
Prices? Order Forms? Package Deals? The People demand to know!!
Willy
Disturbing as ever. May I offer unto you a word of retrospective consolation: never mind, it'll all be all right when you're dead.
AND the male stripper... well... fortunately, words fail me. For £5 they might not...
Charging for testimony is not the spiritual path, Sibling Gill. A real Christian would spill all merely for the price of knowing that he was building up and encouraging his fellow believers.
quote:
It's not that God doesn't love birds, but they have a different role to play in the church from humans. To be eaten and sacrificed to the demands of human spirituality is a valuable and worthwhile ministry that you must learn to be content with.
Shouldn't it be "Sacrificed and eaten" rather than "eaten and sacrificed"? Sounds like we have to eat Coot, before she is sacrificed. And, personally speaking, Rev Gezza(belle), I'm not one for raw birds, whether or not they have bathed in the Chalice before administering it.
Alternately, you could look on your statement as an indication that we should eat Coot, and because she is now within us, be sacrificed. I hope this doesn't mean we all have to bathe in the Chalice.
Because while a Coot might fit in the chalice and have a lovely time, Nuncs definitely DON'T fit, and spend their time more profitably by freely glowing and giving warmth, especially when plugged into the mains, in prayer.
tomb
hellhost
Ah well, it's just proof that you as much as any of us are in need of the pearls of wisdom that drop from the Rev's mouth. (Or is he just losing his teeth?)
Or rather on indefinite loan for the greater glory of the Lord.
Recently, a person of the priest persuasion imposed an unasked-for penance on me: He told me to anoint my head with margarine once a day for a week.
I confess to being profoundly shocked by this insensitive advice.
I can't think of anything I would rather do less than smear processed food on myself.
Why couldn't he have suggested something natural, like butter or cold-pressed extra extra virgin olive oil? But margarine?
I am disappointed almost to the point of distraction.
It seems to me the clergy are going to the dogs with all this artificiality. Should I leave before he comes up with something even more horrible?
troubled tomb
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
That's a great line. Consider it nicked.Or rather on indefinite loan for the greater glory of the Lord.
He likes me! Or one small thing I said, which is close enough.
::wafts off in the manner of a fourteen-year-old enjoying her first crush::
Yes I am gifted with a most vivid imagination.
And so when you decided that I fitted the bill as not only "foolish" but also a "virgin" well I was somewhat hurt as you can imagine.
I'm afraid this response only confirms my diagnosis of folly.
My dear gosling in the spirit, virginity is the most priceless jewel a woman can wear, the most valuable asset she can sign over to the man in her life, the cherry on the icing of the cake of femininity.
The quality of not having experienced gynaecological satisfaction in any physically provable way is worth infinitely more than, say, devoting your life to medical care, education or the abolition of world poverty.
So put aside your unnecessary feelings of 'hurt' at my recognising this precious gift in you, and consider how blessed you are to have been spared the far greater hurt of losing it. (I'm talking spiritual rather than gynaecological hurt here, you understand.)
I also hear you have a healing ministry - will you deliver me of both these things?
Of course. If you will demonstrate your receptiveness by a donation to the Clerical Rabies Fund for ministers who are foaming at the dogcollar, then in return for each gift I will deliver you from one ailment.
(This offer is entirely dependent on your own faith and only applies to non-observable conditions.)
Congratulations Brother Tomb on the most incomprehensible utterance since Brother Maurice Zabbo attempted to post in tongues by typing with his forehead while under the influence of that ol' Romanian incense.
I wish to have your advice - I am of the view that the Church's existence is entirely contingent on Jesus Christ. However, this would seem to be a minority view, and that in fact the Church comes first. Can I be delivered of such apostasy?
on sunday, my vicar's wife asked me to play music for the evening prayer service. all went well, until the congregation turned up, and i had a strong urge to punch each one of them. a friend suggested i should claim that god told me to punch them, but i am not sure that would have been appropriate. what should i do if this urge returns?
viki
it's because he is also minstering to another flock *gasp* shock, horror
he is writing under the name of CAP, on the site http://www.fadetoblack.com/ where he answers people's questions. for definitive proof that it's him, read the question on genital piercing....
*sigh* we are not as special to rev gerald as we thought we were. we on the ship are but one group among many that competes for his time, attention and special care. if anyone wants me, i'll be sat on the cliffs contemplating a future without gerald's care and advice.....
viki
I had to protect a family from a huge 8 foot high Pink, Fuzzy, Furry Demon, they had tried to tell it to leave their house, but im my dream, it was only when I invoked the name of Jesus that it fled from their premises.
Unfortunately when someone left the house to visit the petrol station over the road to but coke and chocolate at night the Demon appeared again and chased them.
I then discovered that the Pink, Fuzzy, Furry Demon lived next door in a very dark weird house, which was only a door width wide, and had orange walls inside. I am pretty sure I finnally banished the Pink, Fuzzy, Furry Demon using the name of Jesus.
Reverend, what does this mean?
[and in case anyone is wondering I really did have that dream]
Many of my colleagues - who doubtless have not spent so much time immersed in the earlier parts of the Old Testament as I (and who has?) - would suggest that this was a chance for a little Christian forbearance and siblingly love.
But I say that is the counsel of meekness and timidity (and not the kind that inherits the earth). I say anyone who stands between you and your personal fulfillment in the worship of your creator is an instrument of the enemy, and should be treated as such.
Here's my 3 stage plan for deliverance:
Let me quote a fellow labourer among the flocks of the Lord:
Dear Rev Gerald
May I take a moment of your valuable time to let you know how blessed I have been by my Holy Mary Mother Of God Holy Water Pistol. It has brought a whole new dimension to my spiritual outlook and made me more confident and respected as a minister.
[The next bit's a little heretical so I'll tactfully skip it.]
...
Beatitudinous outpourings upon you.
John Paul II
PS I'm not really sure about your taking over here when I 'answer the glorious homecoming call' to be honest. I don't have that much say in it, and then there's the whole 'separated brother' thing. Still I'll see what I can do.
JPII
Need I say more?
Anyway, I am still far from satisfied with your performance so far.
How blessed I am to be answerable only to Him before whom the whole of created time is but as long as my forthcoming tract Great Moments of Inter-faith Dialogue in the Bible, and therefore care not for the opinions of any man - or woman!
Your reputation seems over-inflated to me, and I guess that might go for other parts of you too.
Alas, Sibling Gill. I would say that was beneath you, except I have a feeling you would find some way to twist that and cause me further grief. So instead I'll keep my censure to myself.
[corrected spelling of "the"]
[ 06 September 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
It pains me to have to reprimand you again so publicly (privately is another matter - I have my diary ready by the phone but Wednesday remains the best day for me...) BUT I cannot think it right that you should counsel Paula to undergo this ordeal without recourse to the prayerful utterances of the Holy Spirit.
Many a time it has only been His groans which have seen me through the night when my own words failed me.
You again! We have a special ministry for persistant troublemakers in this church you know. The deacons take them out the back and excommunicate them. With baseball bats.
Consider this a piece of fatherly advice about the dangers of careless words and satanic opposition to the messenger of the Lord.
[corrected spelling of "of the"]
[ 06 September 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
I have no idea of the warped shameless motives of the confirmed enemy of the way you refer to.
All I can say is that when he his divulged his iniquitous intentions unto me I simply reminded him of that much overlooked proverb, "It is better to listen in humble submission to the instruction of your father than to receive a visit from three elders with a kneecapping ministry."
That seems to have settled the matter, I'm glad to say.
Let me address my whole cyberfellowship here for a moment and say, if you are having difficulty with patience and waiting your turn, the answer is to have fewer problems.
Well, it depends. I do of course care more deeply than you can imagine for even the most trivial and boring of problems that my followers can up with, but maybe it's time to start prioritising.
So if you can come up with a problem more sensational, intriguing, amusing, salacious or dramatic than the average one here, then fire away, my dear child.
But if it's same old pointless tat, maybe you should find yourself another anointed guru to show you the way.
quote:
I have a feeling you would find some way to twist that and cause me further grief.
Oh I would, I promise...
quote:
Oh I would, I promise...
Physically or verbally twist whatever Gill?
You're sure it wasn't your sanity that went under first?
Apart from anything I have never touched the demon drink (G&T) in my life. I drink nothing but transubstantiated non-alcoholic grape juice and apocalyptic cocktails (as a sign of judgment unto this wayful and woeward generation).
These kind of games shouldn't really be attempted unless the person starting them is prepared to carry it through to the end - and sum it up so there are no loose threads - no pun intended!
Fear not - none laughed at.
Oh, threads, I get it. Yes, very good.
(I am not joking about the demonic attack BTW... very very scary stuff - and I am not some pentecostal liable to see demons everywhere, I am a sane Anglo Catholic...)
The sane Anglo Catholic.
Clutching her crucifix...
Ah, but how much good will that popish abomination do you when you are sinking in the lake of fire wailing into the starless night, "If only I had forsaken my misguided ways and followed Rev Gerald Ambulance in the paths of correctfulness while there was still time instead of banging on at him nonstop for not being available online during his annual Ibiza beach mission"? Not much, that's how much.
Bless you my child for that most edifying suggestion. Let me share with you the daily toils of my Ibiza beach mission.
Mornings were devoted to young people. Most people don't realise how responsive teenagers are to the wondrous gospel message. So after the day's activity , I read them as related Bible story: sandcastle competition/the Tower of Babel, free swim/parting the Red Sea, another sandcastle competition/the wise man who built his house upon the rock.
And the things they come out with! During that last session, a girl asked me "Why did you illustrate a story about the futility of building houses on sand by making us do the same thing?"
Kids, eh? They're enthusiastic, but they don't know where to draw the line. Sometimes you have to hit them full on with the truth of the redemption story, sometimes you just have to hit them.
Knowing the spiritual warfare that lay ahead in the afternoon, I then spent a couple of hours each day in a quiet corner of the beach, prostrated in anguished intercession for the lost holidaying souls of Ibiza.
Anointed from head to foot in St Ambrose Solaire sinblock factor 36, you might have mistaken me for just another pagan sunbather, if it wasn't for the unmistakable air of holiness, my Jesus Saves swimming trunks and of course the dog collar.
Finally, wrapping my missal and Ten Famous Missionary Scandals paperback in my towel, I put the black robes back on and returned to work.
[More tomorrow, unless the Lord returns tonight.]
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
Babybear
I have just heard a truely shocking thing, from a Hell-host! He said that he was going to shutdown this vehicle of your ministry.I know that the creatures of Hell are renouned for their lying abilities. But previously I had thought that the Hell-hosts tended not to engage in such diabolical schemes.
Dear Rev, is it all a ploy to get us posting again so that Hell can reclaim its position as having 'more posts than Heaven' or is it simply an icky ploy to stop your ministry?
I have no idea of the warped shameless motives of the confirmed enemy of the way you refer to.
All I can say is that when he his divulged his iniquitous intentions unto me I simply reminded him of that much overlooked proverb, "It is better to listen in humble submission to the instruction of your father than to receive a visit from three elders with a kneecapping ministry."
That seems to have settled the matter, I'm glad to say.
My dear Fr. Ambulance,
A dear friend of mine, DavidR, observed in another situation, similar to this one:
quote:
Tomb does not "stew in his own juices". He drinks the juices of stewed others.
I was so moved by that sentiment that I asked my 103 year-old sainted crippled arthritic grandmother to embroider it onto a sampler for me. I'm happy to report that she is well on her way to completing it, and that tomb only has to use the electric thingy on her a couple of times a day.
As to the visit by those three suffragans of yours, tomb wants you to know that they have Seen the Light (several times in fact; they even began to enjoy it).
They will be coming back to you Changed Men. tomb hopes that you will let them rest for a few days. In a couple of weeks, send them back so that tomb can complete the wiring and the rest of the Installation.
Oh, and advise them to Avoid Bathing for a few days. The first 72 hours are critical.
tomb trusts that you will enjoy your stay in Hell and that your ministry to the halt, lame, crippled, and psychotic will be eminently enjoyably and fruitful.
he will stop by occasionally to Collect his Tithe.
Oh, and tomb was so sorry to hear that the skin over the tattoo on your right hand had begun to suppurate. Keep it moist and the swelling will soon recede.
tomb
quote:
I can't think of anything I would rather do less than smear processed food on myself.
No problem. Let me do it.
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
Ultraspike
So if you can come up with a problem more sensational, intriguing, amusing, salacious or dramatic than the average one here, then fire away, my dear child.But if it's same old pointless tat, maybe you should find yourself another anointed guru to show you the way.
I assure you, my dear Doctor, this is no pointless tat, at least to me it isn't. My problem is that I'm a closet charismatic. On Sunday I'm a high church spike, nay an ultraspike, but on Monday I begin to crave that old time religion. By Wednesday I am just dying for some good old fashioned tongue speaking and a roll in the aisles. I long to have hands layed on for the healing of my sick soul. Problem is, where can I go here in New York and not risk discovery? I can just imagine the story on David Virtue's website. I could never face my rector again and he would surely not understand these cravings. Is there any hope for me, Doctor? Or am I doomed to this schizophrenic dichotomy? Could an Anglocatholic tat queen ever happily coexist in the same body with a hands in the air Spirit worshiper? Please help me.
[tweaked UBB code]
[ 07 September 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
An acquaintance of mine (let's call him Steve) has been in a very public debate with a prominent member of a Humanist organisation. I am very concerned that he may become corrupted by this. What advice can you offer that his soul may remain pure?
quote:
Could an Anglocatholic tat queen ever happily coexist in the same body with a hands in the air Spirit worshiper? Please help me.
Let me reassure you - I've seen it done!
(I'm assuming there is only ONE body involved here... )
The afternoons took me to the very heart of the Enemy's stronghold - the nudist beach.
Edging along the wall at the top with my back to the kitless heathen, I hurled fistfuls of tracts over my shoulder at them: Repent and Repant, Groinal Nakedness, the Sin of Noah, and You'll Never Be Raptured with Your Bits Hanging Out.
I slung the odd hymnbook as well. We don't use those ones any more, so I thought I'd put them to a good cause.
Of course this ministry faces strong opposition - though not as much last year when I did it walking through the middle of the beach blindfolded.
I have been given a real heart for nudists. A lot of people think they're a lost cause, but I saw some outstanding members among them. Really, they're trying to get back to before the Fall, and you've got to respect that.
Not that I would ever consider going among them as one of their own. That would be taking incarnational missiology too far. This flesh is not for flashing.
quote:
but I saw some outstanding members among them.
I am sure you did
snicker snicker
quote:
This flesh was made for flashing,
And that's just what it'll do:
One of these days this flesh is gonna
Flash all over you....Sung to the tune these boots are made for walking with apologies to what's her name.
Sorry. Couldn't help myself. A minor lapse.
Even when the the sun set on this fleshly pagan paradise, I rested not, continuing my labours in unquenchable faith that eventually someone would listen to me. And so to the nightclub.
It has been remarked upon - though I say it myself - that my dancing is testimony to the fact that I have not squandered much of my time in this Godless activity. You have to try to fit in though. I spent several evenings at Sister Maureen Crank's dance workshop earlier in the summer though, and I think it paid off.
So, concealing my ecclesiastical garments under a kagoule, I mingled among the multitude, raising my hands aloft in what I believed to be time to the music, handing out copies of "But I Never Thought I'd Be Damned for Wine Gums!", and The Collected Proverbs of Rev Gerald Ambulance - remembering this year not to take any sweets of anybody.
At last I returned to my little room to receive the Lord's blessing of sleep to empower me for another day's spiriual warfare.
Yes, I rejoice in the knowledge that the word of the Lord does not return unto Him void, but accomplishes that which He please, and doth prosper in the thing whereto He sent it, though it usually seems to wait till I'm gone before it does.
See the "Basic Lack of Decency" thread in hell if you doubt me on this.
Ah yes, what a mighty time of ministry that was. I must acknowledge what a deep joy & blessing it was to have me there.
And I also was enriched, in a very real way, though the figure wasn't what I'd expected.
The important thing is that I was able to bring a little light into the darkness of the tousle-headed, teepee-dwelling lives of those quasi-Christians - though in retrospect probably not as much light as darkness they brought into mine. So I won't be back in future unless it's to do book signings.
I tell you - he's just like you'd think he would be - only slightly taller.
You have short thoughts, I take it.
Dear Gezza, as I have probably been a Christian longer than you've been alive (803 years so far if you count past lives) I am going to unflinchingly split my infinitives and put your spiritual welfare before my own personal feelings. (Otherwise I wouldn't be speaking to you after some of the things you've said).
I am concerned. Your above remark displays that you have a huge crack opening up in your theology. To respect people who choose to go naked in public as 'trying to get back to before the Fall' is as insidious as respecting people of other faiths 'because they know God'. This can only lead to an erosion of your faith. Believe me, nudists ('naturists' as they call themselves) are Big Trouble. I went topless in Yugoslavia for two weeks (only on the beach, of course) in 1984, and conflict broke out not long afterwards. In fact Petrovac, where my shameful acts took place, was in the news the other week after a fresh outbreak of hostility. I rest my case.
I know you are seeking members for the church. I know you seek to keep abreast of modern trends, but Gez, put yourself first for once and flee.
BTW I notice several references to 'needing sleep', feeling slightly despondent that you're rarely around to see the fruits of your ministry, and hiding your cassock under a cagoule. Are you suffering from burn-out?
(If so, getting your kit off on some French beach as near as possible to the local bar is a good remedy. Apparently.)
quote:
Originally posted by Ultraspike:
Could an Anglocatholic tat queen ever happily coexist in the same body with a hands in the air Spirit worshiper? Please help me.
I could swing both ways.
But not with these guys ....
Amen! Behold, Brother Wibblethorpe, I saw the dove of anointment descend upon thy head and deposit a rich blessing.
Reverend Father Gerald, if I too want to minister like you with the associated potential for book sales what should I do? Did you go to seminary, or would buying a copy of 'My first guitar chords for praise and worship' be a better direction to take?
Ah, Sibling Wibble, my path to the top has been a long and hard (but of course deeply joyous) one.
It was in my late teens that I first heard, clear as the crystal sea, the call of God.
It was after the youth club disco, which I had been sitting outside for three hours (partly on conscientious grounds and partly because the only time I ever tried dancing I was lept on by the St John's Ambulance and held to the floor in the recovery position) experimenting with the possibilities of transubstantiating snakebite.
And behold an infallibly spooky voice spake unto me, saying, "Go into the world Rev Gerald, and reach out to them with my love."
I followed this instruction to the letter, and ended up in Peckham Juvenile Offenders Care Centre. And while I was there, behold, the word of the Lord came to me again, saying "OK I can see I'm going to be a little more literal. I forgot you were a fundamentalist. How about 'Preach the gospel'?"
So this was the path I followed, in a part-time, amateur, non-famous way for years.
I felt the call of the Lord to serve him full-time about the same time as I was sacked from the Department of Social Security for laying hands on the unemployed.
So I did indeed enroll at a seminary, the Bangor Indoctrination Institute. But in my first term there I was forced to reprimand them for being unable to tell me anything I didn't already know from reading the Bible.
So in the vacation they all went away and found out some more, which they came back and taught us in the spring term. I was then forced to denounce them all as notorious heretics for teaching us things that weren't in the Bible.
Pausing only to call down fire from heaven upon that forsaken pit of desolation, I returned home and developed my tract writing ministry.
My first anointed outpouring, So You Don't Think Ezekiel was a Pre-Tribulationist?, now universally recognised as being a bit heavygoing, was not the worldshaking blockbuster you'd expect if you're familiar with my later work. But I learned a lot from the experience.
(Tomorrow: A door opens in Lewisham!)
Puzzled Ferret
quote:
And what does one do about the inevitable temptation to use the time as God's guidance to lie in, then laze about drinking tea and evangelizing over a few salacious Sunday Newspapers? I know I give in to this one every time, especially with other church-goers...
So Gill do you conduct your lie-ins with other church-goers? Interesting form of worship.
I have been trying to court, as it were, one of the priests in my diocese. She insists that we are not of compatible orientations. I don't want to fall into the vain pomp and glory of the world, with all the covetous desires of the same and the carnal desires of the flesh, but I believe I would have more success in the courting ritual if I had more ostentatious tail feathers and gainful employment.
Would an avian-human relationship be considered abomination? I only ask because I want to remain unblemished between now and the time I am offered for sacrifice.
Thankyou,
The Happy Coot.
I was on my annual furlough in Aberdeen enjoying the beauty of God's great earth and blessing some of the local wldlife with my barbecuing ministry, when I came across a copy of a programme for the 'Aberdeen Charlies' (a local amateur dramatic society)'s production of Jaws.
And on p 11, under an advert for Ewan McSpewan's, "Brewed in a ditch for the lagerist with discernment", I saw this:
St Ursula's Pentecostal Reformed Church, Lewisham.
We are looking to appoint a new Youth Elder, to replace Brother Alan Mullarkey who has passed on after 47 years faithful service.
Certificates and training
Are not what it's about
Experience and stuff like that
Are also way way out
But if you've got anointment
You'll get the appointment.
(And if you don't know UK geography, it goes Aberdeen, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Newcastle, France, the Ukraine, Kurdistan, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, London, Lewisham.)
You can imagine how excited I was to find a church with such confidence in the Lord that they advertised a post 500 miles away where no appplicants would ever read it apart from the one man miraculously selected by God!
And that man was me!
I immediately packed away my tent, shotgun and barbecue and took a one-way journey to Lewisham.
I found the church, with a grey suited man putting up a poster of a yellow young man saying "Don't have a cow, man, have faith in the Lord Jesus."
I cried, "It is I, the one predestined from before all time to take up the post of Youth Elder at St Ursula's Pentecostal Reformed Church!"
He said, "Pleased to meet you. I'm the new Youth Elder of St Ursula's Pentecostal Reformed Church."
They'd employed the wrong person! Hmm, tricky situation. What was I to do?
(Tomorrow memory verse shoot out on Wheely Bin Terrace)
What we do want to know is how you're going to fix our agonies.
Really, I would have thought your Beach Mission on Ibiza was enough! Especially now that you are threatened with purgery...
I am here to confess my sins. I was ensnared by the wiles of the Evil One, and lured to a thread of iniquity, with promises of nude pictures and talk of cup sizes by a shameless temptress.
Tell me, Reverend. What must I do to be healed?
Willy
quote:
a shameless temptress.
Wood Honey, that's the nicest thing a man has said about me for about... oooh, seventeen years!
Sorry you're so upset. It's traditional at times like this to clasp the Distressed Person to one's ample bosom, but perhaps not, in this case...
quote:
Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
So when are you going to address our problems and concerns again Gezza
Indeed. i am still sorely vexed about the contents of my dream. What does it mean?
quote:
Originally posted by Gill:
Sorry you're so upset. It's traditional at times like this to clasp the Distressed Person to one's ample bosom, but perhaps not, in this case...
We don't have to throw the baby out with the bathwater, do we?
Willy
No, that's not loud enough. If we shout loud enough, God has promised he will again send his devoted servant Rev Gerald back to the flock.
So come on everybody, let us get together and shout HALLELUJAH!
(Needless to say, I feel Gezza's gone into hiding since Gill posted those rather compromising pics on the other thread. I would like to see his reply. Indeed, in the name of all of his cyberflock, I call upon our Rev Gezzabelle to assuage our profound feeling of abandonment, and to reassure us in the light of these pictures, that it was his evil twin, and not him involved. Either that, or that the incidents prove his divine gift of bilocation...)
HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH!
(Was it just me or did anyone else nearly expire laughing when he started his prophetic singing? And I don't usually watch South Park!)
Nude pictures, cup sizes, ample-bosom clasping and now....shimmying!!
What's a sinner to do?
Willy
(If it could wink AND stick it's tongue out, then you have the general idea....)
We brought the burden before the body - and before the throne, it goes without saying (or went without saying, until I said it) with prayer, fasting and a real sense of prostration and impalement. We ascertained that it was God's will for the two rivals for the post of Youth Elder to go outside for a memory verse shoot out, members of the congregation calling out book, chapter and verse, the true Youth Elder of the church being decided by who could recite the verse correctly first.
You will not be surprised to hear that the best man won (me), even though my specialist subject (Levitical abominations) didn't come up once. I thrashed him (immediately after winning the contest) and cast him forth into outer darkness, from where it is just a short walk to the bus station.
As Youth Elder I wore a backtofront baseball hat, watched the less offensive moments of Top of the Pops and said "Cool" whenever possible, in order to reach out to the youth of the church and come among them as one of their own. Or I should say to reach out to the youth of the church and came among him as one of his own, as the only member of the youth club was a 32-year-old trainspotter called Nigel.
I swapped the baseball hat for a bobble hat, Top of the Pops for stamp collecting and "Cool" for "We are the knights that say 'Ni!'", and the Lord was with me all the way (as he had been with me all the time till then, and with everyone else too, in a very real way).
With Nigel and his growing band of trainspotting converts leaving my tracts on trains at every station in the country, I soon became the most celebrated and anointed tract writer in Britain. (Only Chuck O'Loony of Alabama overshadowed me worldwide.)
This is what led to my first becoming a speaker at the annual Exegesis for the Common Man festival. At the same time I revolutionised St Ursula's with my anointed worship leading, and this is when my gift for song writing was first gifted unto me. (You will of course know the story of how I woke up in the middle of a sermon with the words and tune of "Oh God you are just really Lord" in my heart.)
All that remained was for the Lord to raise me up to be minister of St Ursula's, which he did when Rev Enoch passed sadly away in a freak eucharistic mishap. (Whatever rumours you may have heard in the national press, on certain scandalstirring Channel 4 programmes and from the police, he was accidentally transubstantiated as he presided, and had to eat himself.)
So there you go. Sorry, I can't remember your question now, but I hope that answers it.
[ 17 September 2001: Message edited by: Rev Gerald Ambulance ]
Alas, my child, is it so hard to wait your turn in patience and humility? Or at least silence, which would be a perfectly acceptable substitute?
Let me tell you about Sister Pat Mallard, who repeatedly insisted on partaking of my ministry before her hour was come. In the end I had a word in the appropriate quarters and had her prematurely raptured.
She who has eyes to read, let her read.
Clearly you have an administration problem with your flock. The sheep, the goats. Not to mention the wolves in sheep's clothing. And with all the demands that they make on your leisure time, oops, I mean the Lord's time. And let's face it, some of them are just downright tedious. A gentleman of your stature and dignity really shouldn't be arsed with all that.
So what I have in mind is for me to administrate your parish. I propose to appoint a curate for you. The Happy Coot is just gagging to get started. She can deal with all the dross that you wouldn't touch with a bargepole, and all the juicy stuff, I mean highly sensitive matters that need your experience and gentle empathy, can be forwarded direct to you. A small administrative token chargeable to each of your flock will never trouble you whatsoever.
And what would it take to bring about this state of bliss? I merely ask that you assign all syndication and franchising rights in the name "Rev Gerald Ambulance" and any combination or permutation of words pertaining thereto to me - I have a contract here that Dyfrig was so kind as to draw up for me earlier.
Do we have a deal?
My Dear Ham (how delightful to hear a biblical name round here for a change)
What a shame, my spirit was with yours right up to the last paragraph.
But it would be unthinkable for me to go along with your utterly unspiritual attempt to deprive me of much needed financial resources for the extension of the kingdom.
It is a real pity to see materialism come in the way of new opportunities for service.
(I mean your materialism, not mine, I hardly need say. Mine is simply sound stewardship.)
Ventriloquism is one of the most sadly overlooked gifts of the Spirit amongst today's clergy, as I learned most profitably from Father Einhard Heimerdinger, Keeper of the Grove of the Singing Madonna of Dorfberg.
Again, you had me with you right up the last sentence.
(I have to say I am entirely unacquainted with the meaning of the term "stud muffin", but I have a shrewd suspicion that I should keep things that way as long as possible.)
Wondrous though the idea is of populating the world with a holy army of the sons of Gerald, it would be completely against the calling of celibacy into which I have been most gloriously dumped.
Do not be downhearted though, for if I were to take unto myself a wife, your attitude of biblical submission and veneration right up to but just short of idolatry is exactly the kind of righteous quality I would look for above all the attractions of tea-making, jumble sale organisation, and errm, studding muffins.
Of course I emphatically deny that I am 'the greatest the best master of the universe'. But you should bear in mind that's exactly the kind of humility that I would have if I were.
Oh yes, you asked about joining St Ursula's.
Please do come on Sunday morning. We currently meet, for reaosns I'm not prepared to go into here, in a disused nuclear bunker behind the car park of Lewisham Tesco's. We meet to bear witness in word, worship and wobbling* at the sacred hour of 10.30.
You ought to get there by nine though, because you'll be asked to complete a thorough discernmentographical questionnaire on your beliefs and lifestyle.
If you pass, you'll receive a warm welcome, a membership certificate, and a small three volume book on the kind of conduct, clothing, hairstyle, language, church attendance, sacrificial giving, obedience to your spiritual leaders, reading matter, friends, eating habits etc. that the Lord now expects of you, entitled The Meaning of Free Grace.
If you fail, then depending on the score you'll be either asked to leave so we can purify the building in time for the service, or burned.
*You may mock, but if negotiations with Toronto Airport Christian Fellowship and Holy Trinity Brompton come off, this could be the next big thing.
No. High (ecclesiologically, not pharmacologically speaking). No. Yes.
Hmm. Not exactly what the phrase 'perfect contrition' brings to mind for me. More sucking up and less damning is I believe more usual.
quote:
It's not that God doesn't love birds, but they have a different role to play in the church from humans. To be eaten and sacrificed to the demands of human spirituality is a valuable and worthwhile ministry that you must learn to be content with.
Shouldn't it be "Sacrificed and eaten" rather than "eaten and sacrificed"? Sounds like we have to eat Coot, before she is sacrificed. And, personally speaking, Rev Gezza(belle), I'm not one for raw birds, whether or not they have bathed in the Chalice before administering it.
You see, Nunc, this is one of several differences between me and God. When God writes something, he has to express himself plainly and use every word literally so as not to confuse fundamentalists.
I however am allowed to use figures of speech.
Well, yes, I'm sure your avoidance of sacrilegious insanity is a great blessing to all of us.
All of us except Scudweasle Scrinemort, the Demon-in-Chief of the Aniti-clerical Offences branch of Eternal Torments R Us, who I hear was planning to take your case himself in the event of your decease.
So you believe that penance should be more enjoyable and entertaining? May I suggest that you either take yourself from this place unto my colleague Rev April Marracca's Fellowship of Faith and Fun, or ask God to help you develop a more intelligent spirituality?
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
When God writes something, he has to express himself plainly and use every word literally so as not to confuse fundamentalists.
I however am allowed to use figures of speech.
My very dear Rev Gerald, that comment was utterly, utterly wonderful. I would not be surprised if someone 'nicked it in the service of Christ'.
bb
[fixed UBB]
[ 17 September 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
On the one hand, this is clearly a Good Thing, inasmuch as the Rev. Ambulance will now be able to correct his own posts when the voices in his head become too loud and he becomes confused as to which of his multiple personalities is in charge.
Perhaps now he will be able to keep his sock-puppets straight, though tomb is not particularly Hopeful.
Moreover, in examining the Rev. Father's recent posts with a querulous editor's eye, tomb notes that such power has not persuaded Mr. Ambulance to correct his spelling--never one of that cleric's strong suits.
tomb would point out to the rest of the Ship that this is a strong indication of a profound character flaw: Sloth is one of the Seven Deadly Sins, after all. Ambulance seems to be afflicted with it in spades. No doubt, he's out celebrating his Elevation by purchasing himself purple underwear trimmed with lace and can't be bothered to fix his typing.
We shall see if such authority makes the Rev. Fr. a better person. Anyone for a small wager?
tomb
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
...Scudweasle Scrinemort, the Demon-in-Chief of the Aniti-clerical Offences branch of Eternal Torments R Us, who I hear was planning to take your case himself in the event of your decease.
My dear Fr. Ambulance,
tomb admires your efforts to imitate C.S. Lewis's naming conventions for demons, which he so masterfuly exhibited in his Screwtape Letters. Lewis possessed a splendid mixture of Wit and Learning.
Alas, reverend sir, you possess neither.
tomb
Ack! tomb is suddenly struck by the possibility that the Rev. Ambulance was creating, not an imitation of C.S. Lewis, but a pastiche of J.K. Rowling. That, tomb supposes, is its own punishment....
quote:
word, worship and wobbling*
Will Wibble wobble?
And at tescos is it customary to be naked - it is a bit cold at the moment ...
btw - who is St. Ursula patron saint of?
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
...You ought to get there by nine though, because you'll be asked to complete a thorough discernmentographical questionnaire on your beliefs and lifestyle.
If you pass, you'll receive a warm welcome, a membership certificate, and a small three volume book on the kind of conduct, clothing, hairstyle, language, church attendance, sacrificial giving, obedience to your spiritual leaders, reading matter, friends, eating habits etc. that the Lord now expects of you, entitled The Meaning of Free Grace.
Good laud! I've figured it out. You're Betty Bowers in drag!
crankytomb
quote:
Originally posted by Beenster:
Will Wibble wobble?
He will do no such thing.
While I'm here can I ask the Reverend which hairstyles his Lewisham fellowship find acceptable? You see I need to get a new one soon so it's a good a time as any to seek the Lord and his anointed ministers on the subject.
Wibblethorpe
longhairedtomb
Wibblethorpe
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
Nunc
*falls to her knees exhibiting perfect contrition*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned...
I was wrong. You are a sane individual, well balanced, right on the Royal Telephone direct to God, and I have made an error in saying you should spend a millenium in Purgatory.
I should have said you will be going straight to Hell; your ministry merits infinitely more than Purgatory, and I truly believe Hell is the place for you to continue this admirable work in the Lord's Service.Hmm. Not exactly what the phrase 'perfect contrition' brings to mind for me. More sucking up and less damning is I believe more usual.
No no no no no NO!!! You, my dear Rev Gezzabelle have misconstrued my meaning completely. You ministry is Hellish - wouldn't be in Heaven if it were not? Therefore, to say your ministry is worthy of Hell says a great deal.
Be careful, Gezzabelle, or you might end up being eaten by dogs, like your illustrious OT forebear.
quote:
Originally posted by Beenster:Will Wibble wobble?
No, it is Weebbles that wobble, but don't fall down.
bb
While others may mock, I see from your wise responses you are indeed Speaking in the Spirit (gin most likely) and thus present you with my problem.
I, as a salty seadog, find myself attracted to all manner of maritime adventure series, such as "Hornblower" and "The Love Boat", and am compelled to tape them while at work.
While this in itself is not of great concern, I find myself stealing neighbours pets and sacrificing them to Baird, Farnsworth, et al, as my way of thanking them for the gift of television.
Please help me, I beesech thee.
Admiral H.
Blessings on you "Mr" "Lewis" "-" "Smith", for your kind words.
May I in turn congratulate you on your recent apostasising from your ministry of singleness.
And I am pleased to hear that you have managed to lay down your biblical authority as a man by insisting that your surname goes first in the new-age amalgam that you call yourselves by.
In response to your unspoken desire for matrimonial advice, the most important thing is whenever she tells you to do something, do the opposite (or if there isn't an opposite, just use your imagination), then tell her you did what she said.
In the unlikely event that she ever challenges you, just say, ‘Who was created first?’
This has never been known to fail - or at least only in practice.
And never forget those three wonderful words that however many times you say them will never fail take you relationship back to where it belongs: "Where's my dinner?"
I wish to have your advice - I am of the view that the Church's existence is entirely contingent on Jesus Christ. However, this would seem to be a minority view, and that in fact the Church comes first. Can I be delivered of such apostasy?
Take one azyme three times a day before meals, while reciting the filioque.
I fear I am descending into the morass of sin, sexual and salacious. Did you not say that giving advice on these matters was one of your anointed gifts from the Lord? Please do not leave us to struggle alone. Though. We feel better that our shared fellowship information assists other shipmates in better meeting our prayer needs.
A matter more important than my previous problem of lusting after unattainable straight women priests has arisen.
The other day, my past Rector spoke on prayer. He said that the first thing he does when he wakes in the morning is to hold hands with his wife and pray together. I found myself needing to know whether he scratches his testicles before or after holding hands, and whether he prays with a morning stiffie.
Do you think he is to blame for placing a stumbling block in my path by sharing this personal information that preys on my weak conscience? Is it appropriate to seek deliverance from these thoughts, and what if any penance should be done?
I do not know whether I am in the thrall of sin or not,
The Happy Coot.
All urges, Sibling Sarkycow, are from the Lord. He's the one who made us, after all.
Though some are sent as temptations to resist, some are just his way of telling you to have a good time, and some are temptations to succumb to so that he can justly damn you, because you're a godless reprobate.
How can you tell the difference? See where you sent on the day of judgment.
Sorry if that's not much help, but I've just spent an appallingly depressing evening listening to the music group's dress rehearsal of Ezekiel!, and in the circumstances it's better than you deserve.
In fact now I think of it, I think you should go ahead and punch your whole congregation, and if you feel a ministry developing, I could offer you many exciting opportunities to work at your calling here at St Ursula's.
is this the end of civilisation as we know it?????
is there anything i can do? would my ministry of violence towards church groups help in this situation? you only have to ask, and i will do your will, as your will is invariably god's will 
please return to your usual pompous, self-righteous, rude and overbearing self,
viki
quote:
Originally posted by tomb:
tomb just had a stroke from laughing so hard.
bb
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
Time for The Rev's healing ministry, then. What I would pay to watch The Rev lay hands on tomb ...
tomb is pleased to report that he has almost completely recovered from the stroke. Only the hair on the right side of his head is still numb. Not that all the gin in California would persuade tomb to put himself under the ministrations of that fish emesis spewer.
quote:
by the Coot
Continuing in my fallen state - I am wondering of what tomb had a stroke
Certainly not the correct placement of prepositions.
tomb
All I can say, dear Coot, is that this is precisely WHY I stopped praying with my husband in the mornings.
A Hint.
Some men are able to do all three of the actions you describe at the same time.
I had to protect a family from a huge 8 foot high Pink, Fuzzy, Furry Demon, they had tried to tell it to leave their house, but im my dream, it was only when I invoked the name of Jesus that it fled from their premises.
Unfortunately when someone left the house to visit the petrol station over the road to but coke and chocolate at night the Demon appeared again and chased them.
I then discovered that the Pink, Fuzzy, Furry Demon lived next door in a very dark weird house, which was only a door width wide, and had orange walls inside. I am pretty sure I finnally banished the Pink, Fuzzy, Furry Demon using the name of Jesus.
Reverend, what does this mean?
Three possibilities:
Beatitudinous anointment upon you, Sibling Ultraspike! For this is by no means pointless tat, but profoundly worthwhile and vitally important tat.
It is a joy to receive testimony from one whose spirit is so in tune with the Spirit.
For verily the truly anointed path is that which unites the Spirit and the Rite.
O, that those who kiss the sacred page would also raise holy hands in liturgical ecstacy.
That those who roll their eyes in prophetic abandon might stagger also under the influence of that Ol' Romanian Incense.
Let those who kneel to the Blessed Virgin keel over under the touch.
And let those who exorcise their household pets do so in the right maniple for that date.
O ye dispersèd congregations of the lost sheep of the house of Zion! Will ye not turn again and come together to be united as one in these two equally important sides of the coin of sacred silliness.
Let camp charismania flow like a burning mountain across this land. Etc etc....
If we're talking about the same person, your fears are quite groundless. You might as well worry about the Atlantic Ocean getting wet. (Or any other major body of water for that matter.)
What advice can you offer that his soul may remain pure?
To achieve that you'd need a time machine. A font and a gun would help too.
Give him up and devote your energy to drying up the sea is my advice.
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:For verily the truly anointed path is that which unites the Spirit and the Rite.
O, that those who kiss the sacred page would also raise holy hands in liturgical ecstacy.
That those who roll their eyes in prophetic abandon might stagger also under the influence of that Ol' Romanian Incense.
Thank thee, O fount of blessed wisdom! Your words have flipped the switch and I have seen the Light! Glory Hallelujah! I'm almost ready to come out of the pentecostal closet, but must proceed cautiously. I still worry about forgetting where I am, and fear that I may be unable to restrain myself someday in the middle of Solemn Mass. I can just see myself mistaking the thurible for a burning bush and then twirling like a dervish in an uncontrollable ecstasy while prophesying in a strange tongue, as the rector stares in stony astonishment and horror...
[fixed UBB code]
[ 24 September 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
I shall uphold thee before the throne, knowing the day shall not be far off when you shall arise after Latin Mass and speak unto the congregation saying "I believe the Lord has given me an interpretation: 'There's someone here who really just needs to know that He loves them and wants them to open up to Him.'"
I believe I have been given the gift of speaking in the tounges of Angels, but I can only exersise the gift after many pints of beer, some in my church think it is not of God, how can i re-assure them?
Starbelly
Starbelly
Is lateness a sin?
Well I suppose it probably is , O faithful Starbelly. Just about everything is if you look into it enough. My advice is never do anything, or don't look into it too much.
Dear Most Reverend Uncle Gerald.
There are some in our midst who feel you are becoming burdened with the overwhelming needs of your parishioners here on this site.
We believe it is right that we seek the Lord for a helper suitable for you. Maybe a wife, or perhaps seven deacons to help in the daily administration of answers. Or seven wives maybe.
We have someone in mind actually. We'll ask her if you like. Could you make 7.15 at the Odeon in Lewisham?
W
bb
I am much surprised that he hasn't made an appearance - on missionary pretences of course - to the Swear Box...
Coming to think of it, he doesn't move around much, does he? Maybe those head to head photos tonight, ultraspike and bb, will be more than boring. What we want to see is some action!!!
Bother! There goes one excuse for why Gezzabelle only visits here in fits and starts! And why when he does visit, he leaves us all hanging, answering some requests and leaving others to languish.
Come on Gezza, is your refusal to deal with Coot's problems (and mine) promptly an indication that you have a problem with ministry to those of us who live Down Under?
Just remember: I know where you live!!!
Your question does not make sense to me, Brother Ferret. Why on earth would you have non-churchgoers in your house?
It's bad enough when you can't walk to the bus stop without them polluting you with their unbiblical clothing and worldly lifestyles.
But at least your home can be a haven of spiritual isolation, where you can put the Tim Splendid Worship Trio's Let Me Be A Living Mountain on the CD player, light a Holy Martyrs Burn Again candle (£19.99 for a set of 12 from RGA Ministries), and fill the air with Get the Hell Out Here exorspray (£6.99 from all good spiritual armament suppliers), relaxing in the knowledge that neither the world nor the devil and not much in the way of flesh can get to you.
Your home is your hermitage. If you really have to defile yourself, go to their place.
I think you should get together whith that Siegfried character and keep each other from befouling the rest of us contented joyous worshippers, unbesmirched by the vices of idleness, concupiscence or envy.
Ah Sibling Gill, much as your well-intentioned temptations are appreciated, I have to say your remarks show that you have never known the blessing of ministering unto these unclothed heathen with the love that surpasses all love!
Ah, to see them open up and recieve!
Oh, to bring them to the point of surrender, and see all that is of the flesh melting away!
Oh, I say, and again, ah! Thrice times ah, and thrice times oh!
Excuse me, I'm going to go and have a little lie down.
[ 27 September 2001: Message edited by: Rev Gerald Ambulance ]
Would an avian-human relationship be considered abomination? I only ask because I want to remain unblemished between now and the time I am offered for sacrifice.
Sibling Bird, the sacred page most clearly tells us:"Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion."
It certainly is. Not so clearly after all. From what I can make out, standing up and lying down are out, but as long as you stay sitting you should steer clear of abomination.
Hope that helps.
This is quite standard penitentiary proceedure, Sibling Willy.
The answer to fornictaion is flagellation, and the answer to woman is the whip.
For precise details see my booklet The Path of Self-mutilation: Your Questions Answered
quote:
The other day, my past Rector spoke on prayer. He said that the first thing he does when he wakes in the morning is to hold hands with his wife and pray together. I found myself needing to know whether he scratches his testicles before or after holding hands, and whether he prays with a morning stiffie
Ambulance this is an SOS. I neither have a wife to hold hands with, nor testicles to scratch, nor do I get morning stiffies.
Are those three things essential for a healthy prayer life?
If so will you lay hands on me that I may grow testicles to scratch and develop stiffies etc.
And I really don't want a wife as I am female but if I have to have one to please the Lord well please help. I am terribly confused.
SOS SOS SOS
My colleague at work is trying to educate me to talk the language 'of the street' so that I am more 'of the moment'.
He recommends that when attempting to lead an act of worship I inspire the congregation with phrases such as
'make some noise in the house'
and liturgical responses such as
leader: respect to you
all: 'nuff said.
finally he suggests that to curry favour with my father in Christ, rather than kissing his ring I should know attempts slogans such as
'Big up the Bishop'
he assures me this isn't rude, but I am everso concerned about the whole business of 'big-upping' (if such a verbal construction really does exist).
All our liturgy now needs to be put through a translatorwith results such as:
Almighty God, to whom all hearts is open, all desires is known, cleanse da thoughts hof our hearts by da inspiration hof your Holy Spirit dat we may perfectly dig me Uncle Jamal hand worthily magnify your holy name, through Christ our Lord, Amen.
Does this really engendered 'respect in the house' ?
I eagerly await further directions (upwards, or downwards).
Late but never a Quartet[
[fixed UBB code and URL]
[ 01 October 2001: Message edited by: tomb ]
May I approach your fragrant feet in an attitude of humble reverence?
I see that on the Deadly Sins (Revised Ship Version) you have been so gracious as to inform us:
quote:
6. Posting photographs of innocent shipmates in an advanced state of vunerability and knowing no shame - even if they were of the shipmate in question which they verily weren't.
May I confess that my esteem and admiration for you has magnified greatly at this revelation.
That, even though the photograph is not of you, if it were, you would be unashamed to be vulnerable.
<bows very low>
Ham, son of Noah.
Where is that list?!?!
Heh heh heh...
*Off to think up some more sins*
Well, whichever Coot you are today, let me put your mind at rest. If this minister is a true man of God, he will have complete dominion over the flesh, which comes with the anointing. He will not be subject to the rebellion of the flesh to which you refer; and he will have long forgotten that he has any Beelzebub's baubles, let alone be tempted to scratch them.
However, I note with alarm that this so-called "Rector" is so won over by worldly ways that he dares to enter through the veil in fleshly contact with a female of the contrary gender! So man of God he ain't. Just be thankful he is no longer recting you.
Do you think he is to blame for placing a stumbling block in my path by sharing this personal information that preys on my weak conscience?
Oh yes. Let him go forth under a deep sense of condemnation and judgment.
Is it appropriate to seek deliverance from these thoughts, and what if any penance should be done?
Well, penance, yes, of couse. 10 "Abba, Father"s and 10 "Shine Jesus Shine"s should cover it.
But the problem is a much deeper one, Beloved Coot. Let us see if we can nail it.
Where are these impure thoughts coming from? Those little demons are getting through somehow. You need to examine your lifestyle.
Do you watch television other than the news and under-5s programming?
Do you listen to secular music with provocative beats and lyrics about profane feelings?
Could it be that some of your friends are unsaved?
Forgive me making such shocking aspersions about your lifestyle, but these are the most obvious entry points for enemy infiltration.
If the answer is "no" to all these, then we will need to look for more subtle weak points. If "yes", then some changes are in order.
I do not know whether I am in the thrall of sin or not.
Have a guess.
[ 08 October 2001: Message edited by: Rev Gerald Ambulance ]
*doubles up laughing*
Err, not so far as I am aware. But then I buy all my groceries from The Rev Gerald Ambulance Sanctified Supermarket, where every product is baked, picked, packed, by truly born-of-the-blood believers, to avoid pollution.
(Coot - this is the kind of thing I meant by more subtle purity strategies. The value of such things as paschal lamb chops and immaculate conception olive oil cannot be overstated.)
btw - who is St. Ursula patron saint of?
Excellent question.
St Ursula was a 7th century nobleman's daughter who was betrothed to be married to the Duke of La Spezia. But so devoted was she to holy purity that she ran away to escape the defilement of the marriage bed, and hid in an Alpine nunnery. As an added precaution she miraculously sprouted a beard and all other fleshly tokens of masculinity.
While she was at the nunnery, the sisters experienced wondrous healings, marvellous provisions, and an unparallelled level of parthenogenesis.
However when a local reforming abbot was apprised of her outward form he had her martyred, and it was only when stories of her miraculous life came to light that her true sanctity and gender were realised by many.
Ursula is patron saint of celibacy, beards and transexuals.
Ambulance this is an SOS. I neither have a wife to hold hands with, nor testicles to scratch, nor do I get morning stiffies.
Are those three things essential for a healthy prayer life?
If so will you lay hands on me that I may grow testicles to scratch and develop stiffies etc.
Not really, no.
The question is not what we men find acceptable, O Sibling Wibble, but what is commanded by the Lord.
And what has the Lord said in his word?
"He shall shave all his hair off his head and his beard and his eyebrows, even all his hair he shall shave off." Leviticus 14:9
The Lord of Hosts hath spoken. What more is there to say?
During this interregnum, please feel free to keep this thread alive by ministering unto each others needs, organising an ecclesiastical coup, or posting your tops tips for ministers and other suggestions for the anointed paperback.
In the unlikely event of any of your contributions being printable, you will of course receive special ackowledgement in the hallowed pages, and absolutely no money whatsoever.
Yours in the fleecing of the lambs of the Lord.
[ 09 October 2001: Message edited by: Rev Gerald Ambulance ]
Neil
The board is sadly lacking in trans-species perspectives.
I have every confidence that the Coot will not lay an egg (so to speak) in this ministry, and if she does, we can all have an omlette.
tomb
hellhost
Hip-hip-hurrah! Hip-hip-hurrah! Hip-hip-hurrah!
Not in favour?
The Ayes have it.
Has anyone notified the Coot of her elevation and divine calling?
tomb
hellhost
quote:The Lord has laid it on my heart to tell you: Frankly d00d. It duzzen matter what you say, if you're over 25 'the house' is gunna think you're a dick.
My colleague at work is trying to educate me to talk the language 'of the street' so that I am more 'of the moment'.
Still. If your colleague is of higher rank, you should submit to godly authority and try to crank out something street-like (even if you do look like a complete dick). But that translata you got sux0rs big time d00d - you'll h4ve more success with this one.
Almighty God, to 'oom all 'earts are open, right, all desires are known, right, tidyse the bleedin' ffoughts of us hearts by the inspiration of yor 'oly Spirit that we may perfectly luv yer and worffily magnify yor 'oly name, ffrough Christ us Lord, Amen.
Izzat how English people talk, ay?
And yer. It's orright to big up the Bishop, as long as ya exclaim: 'Here's the Bishop. We're gunna big him up large by genuflecting, and he's gunna bless us as he walks by'. Timeless ritual should not be sacrificed whilst whoring after the yoof market.
See. I bet youse weren't expecting this sorta serious advice from The Coot.
Thankyou Lord. Amen.
Orright. Thankyou Lord. Amen.
I am enamoured of, nay deeply and desperately lustful after, a certain very cute young Clerk of St. Paul's Cathedral. Seeing her read from Holy Writ verily did make my jaw drop. But there is a problem (well, several actually). I do not know the young woman's name, nor where she lives, so I cannot send her bunches of roses "from an admirer" nor in other ways stalk her. My only hope is to frequent the cathedral like a lost soul in the hope of seeing her - but then comes the problem, what should I say? How does one chat up a Cathedral Clerk? And is it a sin so to lust after one?
Yours, waiting expectantly for the wisdom that doth fall, dew-like, from your lips,
Joan.
Ya know. I don't wanna hog the help-dispensing line, but I think I have a special anointing for these sort of non-standard lust problems.
I am enamoured of, nay deeply and desperately lustful after, a certain very cute young Clerk of St. Paul's Cathedral. Seeing her read from Holy Writ verily did make my jaw drop.
Yer. I know what ya mean. Gets ya right here (thumps stomach Oof!), ay?
But there is a problem (well, several actually). I do not know the young woman's name, nor where she lives, so I cannot send her bunches of roses "from an admirer" nor in other ways stalk her. My only hope is to frequent the cathedral like a lost soul in the hope of seeing her - but then comes the problem, what should I say? How does one chat up a Cathedral Clerk? And is it a sin so to lust after one?
Well. Before ya go off in a half-cocked swoon, it's important to seek the mind of the Lord on the matter. The thing to do, is randomly open the bible and point to a verse. In this instance, tape up Leviticus and Paul's letters. And if ya can swing it, try to have it fall open at those bits in 1 Samuel about David and Jonathon.
Now. Once you know that the Lord's blessing is upon your pursuit of the Clerk, proceed with Plan A. Namely, disguise yourself as a Mystery Worshipper and hang out at the Cathedral, that way, it will not be untoward when you ask the names of 'The Cast'. Afterwards, deviate from standard Mystery Worshipper practice, and instead of looking lost at after service coffee, make a bee-line for the Clerk. As far as the actual chatting up. Well. I've never been too good with pick-up lines. For starters try 'I really liked the way you said: Here endeth the lesson. Would you care to join me in the next sadly-outdated courtship ritual?'
If this doesn't work, get back to me and we'll devise Plan B.
Thankyou Lord. Amen.
It did not indicate her leanings particularly - but then I am only going on hear-say as I missed that one episode. She sounds like a wonderful and dynamic person.
Sibling Coot, I shall try your blessed chat-up line. Would you also confer your blessing on the line "would you like to see my tabernacle"?
Nunc - any idea what her name is??
There are 2 problems with this line. Firstly, it is unwise to assail the Object of Adoration with deep sexual imagery on a first encounter, so avoid talk of tabernacles and such. Secondly, the 'tabernacle' may be misconstrued as the 'Mormon Tabernacle Choir', and likewise, any suggestion of group-type things in the same breathe as 'hello' will leave you standing in the eddies of vestments fleeing in the other direction, with nothing more tangible than a hint of Prinknash Basilica on the wind.
And in case ya haven't noticed I'm kinda fairly classy. The circumspect approach is sometimes best.
'Hello'
(Pause. Response will usually be 'Hello' as Object of Adoration has no reason to be guarded around you. Yet.)
'Oh. Hey. Um. Nice Cassock.'
(Response may be quizzical or nervous smile. Quizzical means you're in).
Last night, my other half (Eggs Benedict), expressed strong suspicion that I was in love with my PC. (This is wildly incorrect - the actual emotion is resigned loathing.)
What should I do about this?
Gratefully,
H&E
(if this is the right way to address one so wise and revered and learned and whatnot?)
i have a problem. well several actually, but i'll confine myself to the most urgent. my only internet access is at uni, in a large room surrounded by others. they look at me strangely when i log on to ship of fools, and when i start laughing at the posts, the other people get up and walk out. the Voices tell me they're just jealous, but verily is it affecting my friendships and social life. what should i do?
yours in eternal hope,
viki
I have inquired of the Lord whether it might be that you and Eggs Benedict are unequally yolked (arr arr arr) but this does not appear to be the case.
The problem appears to be twofold: a relational one between you and Sibling Ova, and a relational one between you and your computer.
Last night, my other half (Eggs Benedict), expressed strong suspicion that I was in love with my PC.
It is important to reassure Sibling Ova that she and your progeny are far more important than your PC. To this end, stick photos of her and the Scramblings around the monitor. To further convey the significance of the PC as merely a devotional accoutrement, you may wish to place a Little Glow Mary* on top as well. It should not be necessary to kneel in front of the keyboard or flagellate yourself with the mouse cord. But keep these in mind.
... the actual emotion is resigned loathing
Sibling Ham, do not let the sun go down on your anger or harbour murder in your heart. I may be accused of liberalism but I would counsel that to be on the safe side, we should extend our love of the Lord's most glorious creations to the creations of the creations as well.
Thankyou Lord. Amen.
* I believe RGA Ministeries is presently in negotiation to obtain an agency with Archie McPhee.
quote:
Originally posted by The Non-Adjectival Coot:
Sibling Joan,
Would you also confer your blessing on the line "would you like to see my tabernacle"?There are 2 problems with this line. Firstly, it is unwise to assail the Object of Adoration with deep sexual imagery on a first encounter, so avoid talk of tabernacles and such.
But... but... I only wanted to show her the mini-tabernacle my Godmother gave me which I have on my mantlepiece... Dear Sibling Coot, is this a Sexual Image and should I therefore tear it down and disown my Godmother as a Whore of Babylon?
(Hmm, I think I'll have a cold shower...)
dear sibling coot,
(if this is the right way to address one so wise and revered and learned and whatnot?)
I am but a dust bunny among dust bunnies in a forgotten corner of the kitchen of Creation. Rev called me 'Sibling Bird' once and I was very honoured. Preen. But ackshully. I'm not supposed to be takin' over tha column. This is a joint ministry with other anointed shipmates who feel moved to respond as the Spirit leads them. And neway. Mr Ambulance would be cross ya know.
Bugger. I've strayed off persona again. {RGA Ministry-O-Scope 'Make Friends and Convert People' Tracts $2.00 per 100}.
Rejoice in your persecution, Sibling Cow! Remember we are called to be in the world, but not of it.
i have a problem. well several actually, but i'll confine myself to the most urgent. my only internet access is at uni, in a large room surrounded by others. they look at me strangely when i log on to ship of fools, and when i start laughing at the posts, the other people get up and walk out. the Voices tell me they're just jealous, but verily is it affecting my friendships and social life.
Be doubly-blessed Sibling Cow of Sarcasm! It appears you are experiencing a Toronto-type blessing, and it may even be that this morsel of social isolation is the glorious call to a life of contemplation in a Closed Order. See what pans out.
Thankyou Lord. Amen.
I only wanted to show her the mini-tabernacle my Godmother gave me which I have on my mantlepiece... is this a Sexual Image and should I therefore tear it down and disown my Godmother as a Whore of Babylon?
By no means should you tear down a receptacle of repose of the Blessed Sacrament! Especially. Like. If it does really exist and isn't some smutty pervo allusion.
Re: yer Godgranny. We are treasures in jars of clay. And givers of classy tat are to be treasured. Even if she is a skanky old tart that looks like she's on the game.
The Lord hath provided a name. All I can say is. I wish I bloody lived in England.
Thankyou Jesus. Thankyou Lord. Amen.
quote:
Originally posted by The Jaded Coot:
And yer. It's orright to big up the Bishop, as long as ya exclaim: 'Here's the Bishop. We're gunna big him up large by genuflecting, and he's gunna bless us as he walks by'. Timeless ritual should not be sacrificed whilst whoring after the yoof market.See. I bet youse weren't expecting this sorta serious advice from The Coot.
My dearest darling, oops sorry I mean, my highly esteemed prize Coot,
blessings have fallen upon me since receiving your esteemed advice.
However I still feel a little 'wet behind the ears' when it comes to 'whoring after the yoof market'.
I wondered if you had any further advice on me becoming any less wet.
kindest and most humble (not forgetting grovelling) regards
Late
Coot - sexual allusions? What are you talking about? *wanders away whistling innocently*
Late - try an RGA Ministries Towel.
I have finally found a picture of the wonderful Rev. She's got a different hairstyle now and looks even cuter than in this picture, but it does give you some idea why I'm raving about her NB I do like the "small weapon of mass destruction" (although I thought the latter was when the Host exploded?).
Anyway, I shall now content myself with saying Praise the Lord, and I shall return after I've tried the two Holy RGA-approved Chat-Up Lines.
I had a dream about her (a very strange one, considering I only saw the 1st and 3rd episodes of the documentary). I was in St Pauls with the organist from St Mary's (David), for a service of "Blessing of the Incense" (!!!!!!!). In this service I dreamt the Dean and co said various prayers over patens loaded with incense. The incense then was thrown into the air, all throughout the cathedral, and part of the ceremony was that participants had to get down on their hands and knees and pick up the grains of incense that had fallen.
I ended up near the high altar for some reason, and, pausing in the midst of what I was doing, saw the Canon sitting on a chair holding the vestry door open (I think this bit was pretty much related more to the layout of St Andrew's here in Sydney, cause the vestry there used to come off the sanctuary, through the side chapel - before the whole thing was turned around to face east again, in 1999-2000).
We then had a discussion about vocation, or something similar... Very strange...
Just think what you could do in such an influential position as that? As God's chosen ointment one you could give multiple blessings to many whom you would not normally reach?
Or how about making the tea and coffee with holy water?
bb
bb
quote:
Originally posted by babybear:
I'm sure thta would not be a problem for the Worshipful, Reverend Mayor Ambulance. He could just holy-fy each kettleful as needed.
By appearing on its reflective side?
I was feeling that this thread has been looking decidedly, um, shall we say, limp since RGA's departure.
I notice his amenuensis has been posting around the place, and was wondering if he is ever going to reassume the cloak of charity... Not that you are not doing a sterling job filling in, but you, my dear bird, are, um, another sibling, whereas he is the, um, Rev.
Just wondering.
Oh, and here's a problem for you. Someone who would prefer to aspire to celibacy has a crush on a young gorgeous priest, who has declared himself celibate. Everytime this someone has the opportunity to chat this chap up over parish morning tea, this someone absolutely loses it, and finds themself speechless... What should I advise this sorry individual (who admits to never having had a serious crush on anyone before) to do?
A colleague of mine has a problem. He announced to his flock that he was going on a mere 3 month sabbatical until the nativitous season, only to find by the end of the first month that his wayward and rebellious flock were starting to put impertinent questions about his return to his remarkably anointed curate.
What disciplinary measures would you suggest his curate to use?
A gentle rebuke?
A penitentiary spell on the Sunday School rota?
Or everlasting damnation? (The middle course.)
(So that reprobate slacker has been wasting his time on the bulletin boards when he's supposed to be writing has he Sibling Nunc? That would explain why he's only got 23 pages of my anointed manuscript written up so far - though no why the waste paper basket is always so full.)
is the curate as remarkably anointed as your colleague? if so, could the curate not simply take over for your colleague, permanently like? this would free your colleague up to spend all his/her time writing their book, and possibly advising you on the best way to deal with us reporbates!!! :P
viki
Testing out new ways of whoring after the yoof market in order to assist Sibling Late has meant I 'aven't looked at the thread a while. Unfortunately, I was not able to approach the yoof with any degree of success - they fled. I was wearing the Special Attract-A-Sinner crocheted bikini {RGA Ministeries $30.00, one size fits all}. Mayhap the yoof I targetted were all pure-of-heart.
Anointings upon you fellow Siblings. And remember, we are charged to minister to each other until the return of Rev Gerald. I know the Holy Spirit just wants you to step out of your fear and come into a closer relationship with Jesus.
Come forward and offer your ministries and needs while I sing 'Just as I am without one plea'.
I notice his amenuensis has been posting around the place, and was wondering if he is ever going to reassume the cloak of charity... Not that you are not doing a sterling job filling in, but you, my dear bird, are, um, another sibling, whereas he is the, um, Rev.
No one knows the day nor the hour, dear Sibling. 'Cept 'e did say sumpfin about the Nativitous Season. Yer. I know. Sucks bein' succoured by the 2-I-C.
Orright. Bout tha lust problem. If you still need help lemme know.
What disciplinary measures would you suggest his curate to use?
I'm not worthy to untie your thong so the discipline oughta come from you. But I think you could do what the Lord did and not go up in to their midst. And when you do. Just show them your back parts.
Then there's the smiting. There's not enough smiting these days. If it please you Rev Mr Ambulance, we could go into the salt wholesale business.
i am possessed by a spirit of lust.
i lust after a decent cup of coffee. i need coffee. i crave starbucks. i lie awake at night dreaming about it. tasting it. touching it to my lips with my tongue. caressing the cup. inhaling it's rich aroma. it's all i can think about. all i can dream about. i can't work, can't concentrate. when someone walks past me with a cup, my stomach flips. even if it's an inferior brand.
and yet i am but a poor student. i can't afford coffee, let alone decent coffee.
what can i do? help me with my problem please.
viki
i am possessed by a spirit of lust.
i lust after a decent cup of coffee. i need coffee. i crave starbucks. i lie awake at night dreaming about it. tasting it. touching it to my lips with my tongue. caressing the cup. inhaling it's rich aroma. it's all i can think about. all i can dream about. i can't work, can't concentrate. when someone walks past me with a cup, my stomach flips. even if it's an inferior brand.
Coffee is ok (Plymouth Brethren excepted), with the proviso that you should be getting more jollies out of the Lord than you are out of a cup of coffee. Little Calfling, unless you are using superglue to create a graven image out of coffee beans, do not fear. Your soul will be in danger only if you bend the knee in the House of Maxwell.
And to your second problem:
and yet i am but a poor student. i can't afford coffee, let alone decent coffee. what can i do?
It is the duty of the Church to equip the Saints for ministry and send them out to preach the Good News. The Lord knows it's hard to preach Good News when you're cranky from coffee withdrawal, so may I suggest perusing the Mystery Worshipper Reports until you find a place with the classy stuff and then getting into some hard-core attendance.
May the rich fragrance of the Lord be as a coffee bean in your nostril.
Two nasty probs... Firstly, this coming Thursday, the woman I mentioned sometime ago is making a comeback to the choir. As she really irritates me, this is not a good prospect. What to do? Should I lace her dinner with arsenic powder? Or does someone know how I can acquire some anthrax? Or do you think throttling her in the dark behind a tree is the best way to go?
Second nasty problem: Coot, the "lust problem" has not dissipated at all. Well, I'm not salivating exactly or needing to run to the loo, but it's all sooo wonderful feeling unwanted! What do I do?
The Lord provides deep pools of purity to aid us in combatting lust problems. And as I wallowed in one such jacoozie (in the Scandanavian style complete with nearby hot rocks for the pouring over of ladles of water) a word of Knowledge came to me.
I believe the solution to your lust problem may be inextricably entwined with the case of the parish-bound curate you mentioned in your post on the thread regarding His Grace, the Archbishop of Sydney. As you know, it is better to marry than burn aflame with passion. These circumstances afford the opportunity for the benefaction of all concerned. In order to effect a matrimonious situation and engage the potential Anti-Christ (75:1) in spiritual warfare, you may like to suggest that the gentleman in question immolate his celibacy on the altar of self-sacrifice in the interests of continued provision of spikey clergy to your parish.
And I'd just like to. You know. Convict the other siblings to come forward and testify to the Lord's grace with respect to your first problem. (Something out of the Old Testament involving ram's horns and marching around the choir loft 7 times while only she is in it might help).
Thankyou Jesus. Thankyou Lord.
And someone has already suggested I marry the chap... My face is turning a beetroot red...
So come on now. Who would like to make their confession? (Be aware I have a knife at your throat, and garotte for your head, should you refuse to confess...)
I don't want to hog this advice-giving. No, especially not whilst suffering from heat-induced instability.
Where was I?
Oh yes. As you were, Siblings. As you were.
I was wondering whether the Rev Gerald had checked out "Argh! My apartment smells like a urinal cake" and the "What is Sex" threads... I feel he may have had some valuable insights to make in both fields...
And when is he due to return? Or is his amanuensis stalling so he can have more time in Kerygmania?
(I'll spare you the details. My front teeth are growing by the second.)
Splat in the middle of my head.
great way to start teh day.
coot ... ambulance ..are you able to enlighten me?
Sibling Nunc,
I'm still getting over your comment about dole bludgers, and I believe it affected me in a calvinistic predestined way in regard to your problem of 'I feel like a rabbit right now'. You see, I was driving in the country today en route to some spiritual direction when I did happen upon a dead rabbit. A flash, obviously a Word of Knowledge, made me want to stop and pick it up. Rabbits are tasty little rodents you know. But then my rebellious, worldly spirit rejected this gift of divine providence on the grounds that it was a hot day and the rabbit was starting to putrefy I suspect. I think you should accept this as the Lord's punishment. He giveth and He taketh away, after all.
So yer. In tha short term, ya rabbit requirements will be unrequited, see.
Splat in the middle of my head.
great way to start teh day.
Sibling of many, varied and interesting personal problems, how I long to gather you under my wings as a Mother Coot does with her Cootlings. Except a course that I got zero maternal instinct. So. Uh. Sucks to be you.
But know this: what the least of my siblings has done for you, it was as if I had done it for you. And that's a sure sign you'll be counted with the sheep.
He is to be found here masquerading as the Reverend Spooner.
[Mea maxima culpa if the link doesn't work, it's from memory]
Is he also masquerading as the Rev. Blair of St. Albions in Private Eye every month. If so, he has undergone a wicked transformation.
Sorry, I don't have a link for this one, but the printed version is on sale every fortnight at a newsagents near you. The collected volumes of the Rev's church magazines are also available in book format, in the Waterstones humour section.
(For a moment earlier SoF was the only website my browser would browse to. Except my home page and that was probably cached anyway)
I approach your wisdom, not as a hellhost who suffers your continued existence on this thread based on a sliding-scale tithe table (which, by the way, you have not seen fit to acknowledge for some time now. But Be That As It May) but as a supplicant in need of Enlightenment.
I have been Stupefied by the advertisment running at the top of the Ship of Fools website for the Christian Connection (surely a misspelling, don't you think? An organization like this surely needs an "x" in its name).
Now, inasmuch as I serve as a hellhost at the pleasure of Simon, I have been unwilling to take my question to Him. But you seem Wise Beyond Your Years (I did a web search and have counted them). Consequently, I decided to Ask You.
What is this "New Way of Doing An Old Thing?" I really fancy the Old Way of Doing Things. And I really really like my Old Thing.
Do you really think that I should throw this all over (as it were) for the sake of modernity? Does this organization have Things That I Need?
I am in an Agony of Doubt over this issue, but Trust that you will have the Answers to my Questions.
You better.
Do not let your heart be troubled!
I have studied the advertisement and I (I, not the Lord - but you make take my analysis as trustworthy) believe you have nothing to fear.
'It's a new way of doing an old thing' actually refers to novel modes of carnality having as their target senior citizens - personal services to Nursing Homes, if you like.
So, don't worry about it, old thing.
what is the proper christian way to turn down a party invitation from a member of my church? i have been invited to three new year's eve parties and can only attend one. so how do i let the other two down?
thanks in advance,
viki
I am hoping that the Rev (or The Coot) will be able to advise me as to the best way that a good Christian woman can spend New Year's Eve. May I attend the hottest party to which I am invited? Or should I stay at home and watch Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve? If I go out, what should I wear?
Sibling Ruth, blessings upon you, for not many consider how to make their conversation acceptable to the Lord on 31st December! As for what a good Christian woman should be doing on New Year's Eve, she should keep in mind that the next day is the Feast of the Circumcision of Our Lord and of Basil the Great. Therefore she should equip herself with a mantilla and a dress and go in search of a vigil to attend. The Episcopalian tradition is unlikely to put out, therefore she should check the local Orthodox shrines (excluding the Russians who do everything 13 days later). Following the vigil she will then be free to celebrate the aforementioned feasts at the hottest party to which she is invited. Mantilla and dress may be dispensed with, and in the event of non-christian hosts, precede the festivities with the silent prayer: 'Soli Deo Gloria'.
Please be advised that the Rev's Reformed High Pentecostal tradition may entail the further stipulation that hot party attendance may only be undertaken if it is viewed as an act of evangelism to the heathen in Macedonia.
what is the proper christian way to turn down a party invitation from a member of my church? i have been invited to three new year's eve parties and can only attend one. so how do i let the other two down?
Sibling Cow of Sarcasm,
Have you been with me all this time and still do not understand the basics of brutal honesty, obscene frankness, all done with love of course, that the Way demands?
Rejecting an invitation by non-christians:
'I am keeping myself unstained by the world and do not want to blemish myself by attending your disgusting party'.
Rejecting the invitation of your church member:
'Thankyou. It's kind of you to ask me. But I won't be able to make it'.
Do remember that parties are extrusions of Satan's pudendal appendages unless they are celebrations on feast days appointed by the Church.
[tidied UBB - was missing appendages]
[ 30 December 2001: Message edited by: RuthW ]
Does this mean one is not permitted (according to the Resolutions (5:67) of the Rev's Reformed High Pentecostal tradition) to imbibe any kind of beverage excepting hot water?
I hope he comes back soon. I suspect I've killed off some of the flock.
Well last night was hot enough to consume hot water without endangering oneself with the appendages of the Devil... Although my preferred drink throughout the evening was Lemon Lime and Bitters...
Where IS the Rev Gerald? (No offence to Coot who has done an unctious job in his absence.)
quote:
Originally posted by The Coot:
.... she should keep in mind that the next day is the Feast of the Circumcision of Our Lord and of Basil the Great....[tidied UBB - was missing appendages]
[ 30 December 2001: Message edited by: RuthW ]
Missing appendages, huh Ruth? Similar to Basil the Great, I daresay....
Oh no, I said I'd be back after Christmas. Ah well, you know how it is. Places to go, hairs to split, scotulae to polish (though I could be wrong about that).
The truth is, I and my good friend the famous Christian Captain Simon Jenkins have something far more anointed up our sleeves than a poxy 'Bulletin Board' thread (no offence!), that will truly do justice to the portion of the Spirit that the Sovereign Canopy Over All hath vouchsafed unto me.
Unfortunately that something is still pretty much stuck up at shoulder level (sleevewise), so I'll be in this unedifying dump for a while yet.
In the meantime, the Rev is in, and ready to give ear to your most degrading and humiliating problems. Come on siblings, let's have something genuinely hair-raising.
Put the kettle on will you, Coot? And you haven't seen my Let Me Be A Living Mountain CD anywhere have you?
Now pay your helltithe.
Christmas was murder and I have credit cards to pay off.
tomb
hellhost
I am so glad that you have returned, thus vanquishing my doubts as to your existance.
Please help my unbelief! I am constantly tormented by doubts as to the efficacy of your advice. How do I put these demons to flight?
Your agonised acolyte,
H&E
i have this itch....
can you scratch it for me please?
yours sincerely
viki
ps the lord vouchsafed to me that if you are truly listening to him, then you would know to what i am refering!!!!
Baby, I've been waiting,
I've been waiting night and day.
I didn't see the time,
I waited half my life away.
There were lots of invitations
and I know you sent me some,
but I was waiting
for the miracle, for the miracle to come.
TIA,
Ultra
*sob sob* (I know I can cry on your strong shoulder) They've all run away!!! *boo hoo hoo* And what am I going to do now? *argh boo hoo hoo sob*
At least I can take comfort that you did not utterly forsake us, but have by the strength of your arm and the might of your right hand exalted over your given tasks, and have set us upon a high rock, yea, even upon a DRY rock!
I guess my problem *sob* is that they've all run away... And I am wondering whether it is because I have passed the age of extreme youthful libido and now regret the time I lost wooing Inspiration when I could have been *ahem* doing other things, or whether my state of mind is deranged and that this is the prime cause of emotional upset at this time. *sob* *Sob* I am wondering to what sort of spiritual defences I might erect, lest my state of mind deteriorates... *sob booooo hooooo hooooo sob*
Ever,
Nunc
Could you please advise me whether doing this would amount to adultery?
(and i know tomb is drooling in his eagerness to dispense certain people!)
come on most highly favoured, gracious, reverend, holy, etc etc etc Gerald....
Well, I could tell you, but if you wouldn't believe me, what's the point?
Wasting clerical time is a very serious offence, Sibling Cow, and risks a sharp rise in your roasting time in purgatory.
Even formal membership of St Ursula's would not entitle you to summon the minister round to perform menial scratching work for you.
What's more, such intimate contact as you suggest with a person of the contrary gender such as, with all due respect, yourself, is utterly out of the question for an upstanding member of the priesthood.
Baby, I've been waiting,
I've been waiting night and day.
I didn't see the time,
I waited half my life away.
There were lots of invitations
and I know you sent me some,
but I was waiting
for the miracle, for the miracle to come.
Merely subnormal, I'm glad to say.
There is nothing crackbrained about the symptoms you describe - waiting for a miracle for half your life. This simply suggests that you are a spiritual under-achiever, as my life is blessed with impossibilities on a more or less hourly basis, and most of us can at least claim one a week.
Why only this evening I was vouchsafed a miraculous revelation from on high that my cornish pastie was burning, and when I entered into the kitchen in all seemly haste, behold, it was as the Spirit had told me (as it would be).
Anyway, how can you have been waiting all this time without a miracle? Haven't you heard of the Eucharist?
Sibling Nunc, you don't say - well, anything very coherent, but first off - who precisely it is that has been running away from you.
Though, given the impression I get of you here - a decrepit old bird loudly bewailing missed opportunities for fornication - the answer would be more or less everybody.
I am wondering to what sort of spiritual defences I might erect, lest my state of mind deteriorates... *sob booooo hooooo hooooo sob*
Take comfort, it is hard to see how this could possibly happen.
Well, technically no. Seed spillage without involving animate beings other than yourself is classified as onanism. But as biblically both abominations are punishable by death, I don't see that it makes much difference.
Either way, the greater part of horrified denunciation and stoning is reserved for your wife. The depravity of seeking satisfaction from witnessing others copulate with domestic flooring is easily the most iniquitously perverse I have ever come across in all my ministry. In fact you should get a prize for bringing it to my attention. Which would you prefer, the St Ursula's choir's new CD A Very Reggae Christmasor two tickets to the Leviticus Theme Park?
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
Anyway, how can you have been waiting all this time without a miracle? Haven't you heard of the Eucharist?
My dear Rev. Gezz,
Yes, I have heard of the Eucharist, but that is not the miracle to which I'm referring. miraculous as it it. Perhaps the last verse will make it clearer:
"When you've fallen on the highway
and you're lying in the rain,
and they ask you how you're doing
of course you'll say you can't complain --
If you're squeezed for information,
that's when you've got to play it dumb:
You just say you're out there waiting
for the miracle, for the miracle to come."
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
Anyway, how can you have been waiting all this time without a miracle? Haven't you heard of the Eucharist?
Oh my! My world is collapsing! Rev Gez, have you suddenly become Anglo-Catholic, and Real-Presence-ish, enshewing the Low apprehension of the Holy Eucharist as merely a memoric symbol???
i ain't contrary
yours cerely (i got candles burning, so i've definitely got wax!)
viki
quote:
Originally posted by Ultraspike:
My dear Rev. Gezz,Yes, I have heard of the Eucharist, but that is not the miracle to which I'm referring. miraculous as it it. Perhaps the last verse will make it clearer:
"When you've fallen on the highway
and you're lying in the rain,
and they ask you how you're doing
of course you'll say you can't complain --
If you're squeezed for information,
that's when you've got to play it dumb:
You just say you're out there waiting
for the miracle, for the miracle to come."
[host hat on]
Dearest Ultraspike:
Quoting two verses of this song is, perhaps, cutting the doctrine of "fair use" of copyright material a little too close. I encourage you not to post more than a very few lines, in order not to vex the Copyright Nazis, which would be a fate worse than the Rev. Jerry's Purgatory any day.
[host hat off]
Just recently, I found myself smiling in church. Now of course I realise that this is a sin but I need to know how to stop myself doing it. A friend suggested sticking a fork in my leg, but I don't think that's biblical. Do you have any holy suggestions to avoid this sinful behaviour?
I put the kettle on, the shiniest one I could find. I am so glad you're back. The sheep you entrusted to me. I didn't lose a single one of them. Well. Maybe one. Or a few. But not so many as you'd notice unless they were a relative.
I hope you liked the advice I give 'em. Maybe if you liked it a lot you could give me a promotion? I could really strut in a cassock and a surplice. Can I be your verger? It means I will mop up the toilets if someone sicks up in them like happened at Midnight Mass. Also I get to carry a verge which is a stick with a metal bit on the end for me to clear a path through the heathen as I walk before you.
Thankyou Jesus. Amen.
My cats have been taking the liberty of strolling over my Prayer Book. Is this sacrilege of the worst kind? What is the appropriate remedy, and do I have to have the Book Blessed again before its use will be efficacious in my life?
Eagerly awaiting your advice,
Nunc
"When you've fallen on the highway
and you're lying in the rain,
and they ask you how you're doing
of course you'll say you can't complain --
If you're squeezed for information,
that's when you've got to play it dumb:
You just say you're out there waiting
for the miracle, for the miracle to come."
Nope.
But the true church (High Pentecostal-Reformed) has always (more or less) held that the sacraments (all 12 of them) have been given authority to trample he laws of nature into the dirt.
Just as Our Lord turned water into wine, so I and his other earthly stand-ins turn wine into blood. It doesn't go down so well at parties, but it's certainly pretty spooky.
Are you a heretic? Could we all be misled?
Was it years of study or is it pure inspiration that leads to such majestic advice? How can I obtain this gift, can it be purchased? Compared to you I feel so inadequate I think I will resign from my church and become a hermit living on top of a pole in the desert, refusing to speak unless you help me to be more like you and get for me this gift of giving majestic advice.
Hmm. It's a tricky one, because for most people being in church is a cure for smiling in itself.
You are obviously thoroughly impervious to the things of God - unless, I suppose, it is an extremely mild outbreak of the Toronto Blessing. In which case, you must still be fairly impervious, having nothing more than such a late dribble of the Streams of Refreshing, when the rest of us were chortling, collapsing, pogoing and mooing for Jesus for many months about 7 years ago.
Still, better than nothing. Let me know how things develop, and if you start clucking.
Indeed you did well, O faithful Coot. For what more can be desired of a ministerial stand-in than that they get stuck in, start well, and then let the whole thing fall apart to show who really has the anointing?
I hope you liked the advice I give 'em. Maybe if you liked it a lot you could give me a promotion? I could really strut in a cassock and a surplice. Can I be your verger? It means I will mop up the toilets if someone sicks up in them like happened at Midnight Mass. Also I get to carry a verge which is a stick with a metal bit on the end for me to clear a path through the heathen as I walk before you.
I don't see why not. Sounds like a jolly good idea.
I shall seek the Lord over it. Ooh, there he is....
He says it's OK and you can start by going round the graveyard with a strimmer.
Thankyou Jesus. Amen.
Amen.
Yes.
What are you doing with cats around anyway? You obviously aren't familiar with chapter 17 of my recent publication The Lord Has A Case Against Harry Potter, which explains that cats a) have always been associated with witchcraft; b) are favourite guises for chape changing demons, and c) have satanic-style pointy faces.
You are therefore jeopardising your soul, your spiritual wellbeing and the longevity of all soft furnishings by having letting them in your house.
Fly from these agents of darkness, sibling, fly!
(Flying of course in a meataphorical, none witchcraftful way.)
What is the appropriate remedy, and do I have to have the Book Blessed again before its use will be efficacious in my life?
Well, a book's just a book, really, isn't it? It's not even as if it's a Bible or one of mine. I'd be more concerned about those so-called animals polluting your aura.
A friend recently asked me to help her to make up a song for a retreat she's helping to lead. I of course did my duty, and helped her with the lyrics, even when she requested that they be 'cheesy, childish rhyme scheme, with a good, rousing chorus'. However, she vetoed my verse about Jesus being the one true light, on the grounds that it was 'too serious'
Do I need to be washed in Holy Water? Or cleansed in any other way, after polluting my mind with such obscenities?
Yours faithfully, til the bitter end,
Viki
Rev, if I used the vacuum cleaner regularly enough, do you think they would soon get the picture (little buggers are scared ****less of the vacuum cleaner)?
I have to say the second option sounds a lot more likely than the first.
[ 26 January 2002: Message edited by: Rev Gerald Ambulance ]
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
[ 26 January 2002: Message edited by: Rev Gerald Ambulance ]
Your Holy Highness,
I'm shocked
You appear to be losing your touch, and making mistakes with the advice you give to others. Are you losing your touch? Should we find another whom the Lord will appoint and raise up to minister to us? Or should we just pray for you?
Viki
I um, have this thing for swords. BGF Swords red and hot and flaming - I borrowed Wood's a moment ago for the Harrowing of Heaven, and um... It's kind of, um, oh nevermind. I guess, um, ah, I should be confessing to having "borrowed" it, as I am not sure Wood knew at the time.
What should I do about my obsession with these sharp, hot instruments of, ah, death? What should I do about Wood? I doubt his sword will ever be the same...
Well done, Sibling Ag, for having such a positive attitude to the work of the Lord.
The answer to your noble question is both really. It is pure Spirit that runs through my anointed outpourings, undiluted by such fleshly mixers as 'opinion'. However, it is my years of ceaseless absorption by sacred writ that have made me such a pure channel for the voice of the Almighty.
How can I obtain this gift, can it be purchased?
Thy money perish with thee, for thou hast thought that the gift of God can be purchased with money!
If you truly desire the gift, then follow the infallible 12-fold path, set out most helpfully in my bestselling The Road to Anointment, £8.99 from RGA Ministries.
Compared to you I feel so inadequate I think I will resign from my church and become a hermit living on top of a pole in the desert, refusing to speak unless you help me to be more like you and get for me this gift of giving majestic advice.
And why not? Eremetic polesitting is a high and holy calling. Or a high one at any rate.
Ah, so you have been trying a bit of bibliomancy, the ol' close your eyes and poke the holy page, to seek the will of God for your dishwasher - but cannot understand the text that has been vouchsafed unto you. Yes?
Did you get yourself into a spiritually receptive frame of spirit first? This is very important.
Light a candle, burn some Ol’ Romanian incense and put on some truly holy music - I almost always go for Let Me Be A Living Mountain by the Tim Splendid Worship Trio.
Then take up a Bible, and say this prayer with perfect faith:
Mighty God, ‘tis up to thee
Show me what thou’d’st say to me.
Open the Bible, and read the verse that your Spirit-guided eyes fall upon. If even this doesn't come up with a verse that can’t be made to fit your question, it just shows the woeful inadequacy of your faith. Either that or your question was too horrifyingly unspiritual for the Lord to answer. Either way, neither He nor I are in any way to blame.
Do I need to be washed in Holy Water? Or cleansed in any other way, after polluting my mind with such obscenities?
Well, I would never counsel against a good splash of holy water. But there's no need to do anything extreme. It sounds as if with your extra verse reinstated it could be quite an anointed song. Send me a copy and I'll prayerfully consider it for inclusion in Songs Of Siblinghood Book 11.
Well, of the record, yes, go for it. But I must warn you that I got into quite serious trouble with the RSPCA (godless animal-worshipping enemies of the way every one of them) for using a vacuum cleaner on cats.
Still I have to say it was one of the most successful and spectacular means of exorcism I've ever come up with, and it certainly persuaded the little beasts not to come back.
I think you'll find, oh thou wavering Qedeshah, that the word 'cat' does not appear once in the Scriptures - whereas cats played in important part in the demonic polytheism of Ancient Eqypt.
The pastor of my home church (you may know him - Revd Dr Neville Charabanc of the New Abudnant Joy and Life (Continuing) Fellowship) advised me not to read your column because of your failure to come out in support of his interpretation of the use of the semi-colon in Zecharaiah 14.2 Although I am sure he is correct, could you please explain why you disagree with him so violently (so violently, in fact, that it is alleged that you shoved a guitar down his throat during a praise session at Abundent Harvest Time 1984)?
Good start.
I'm shocked. You appear to be losing your touch, and making mistakes with the advice you give to others.
Quite the opposite. It was a clear case of technological attack from the Enemy - which, as any fool knows (and a fair number of wise people too), means I must be ministering mightily, to so provoke him.
Are you losing your touch?
No.
Should we find another whom the Lord will appoint and raise up to minister to us?
No.
Or should we just pray for you?
No. Oh, all right go on then.
What should I do about my obsession with these sharp, hot instruments of, ah, death?
There's nothing wrong (or right) with swords in themselves, it all depends what you do with it. (As the National Rapier Association would say, it's not swords that kill, it's people, though it is somewhat harder to disembowel someone with a spoon.)
It's how you use your sword that matters: e.g. putting to flight the enemies of God - good; massacring nuns at prayer - bad; slaying apocalyptic beasts - good; mass murder of babies and children - a grey area, depends whether they live in the Promised Land or not.
What should I do about Wood?
Well, I certainly wouldn't counsel putting him to the sword till I have some idea what you're talking about.
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
Ultraspike
Anyone who despises cats is definitely a heretick.I think you'll find, oh thou wavering Qedeshah, that the word 'cat' does not appear once in the Scriptures - whereas cats played in important part in the demonic polytheism of Ancient Eqypt.
Who you callin' a wavering Qedeshah? Cat is the root word for catholic, in case you weren't aware, my dear Rev. And my cats are the most catholic cats you'll find anywhere. Anglocatholic to be precise.
Well, this is just petty, isn't it? It is clear that a man has spirit of disunity if he can turn so nasty against his beloved siblings in the Lord over a mere issue of punc. crit. - especially when he has been clearly shown the damnable error of his opinion.
Although I am sure he is correct, could you please explain why you disagree with him so violently (so violently, in fact, that it is alleged that you shoved a guitar down his throat during a praise session at Abundent Harvest Time 1984)?
Ah yes, it's all coming back to me now.
Look, this incident has been grossly misrepresented to you. (I wonder who could have done that.) For a start it was a ukelele, which is significantly smaller than a guitar. What's more it is ludicrous to imagine that even a ukelele could be 'shoved down someone's throat'. What I actually did was to break it into pieces and make him eat them.
And might I also explain that what impelled me, justly and in love, to such disciplinary measures, was not so much the punctuational heresy itself, as his insistence whenever there was a lull in the worship to pipe up with his execrable hymnological micturation, 'The Lord Our God':
The Lord our God is pure and whole.
On his nose there is no mole.
On his grace there is no toll.
On his rule there is no poll.
On the end of Zechariah chapter 24 and verse 2 there is no semi-col-
On.
Ch. La la la la la la la la. Oi!
I rest my case. For the time being.
Your reply - nay, your failure to response to the direct question - merely confirms what I had heard about from other sources, that you are possessed of the spirit of evasion and have been sorely deceived by the father of lies.
Brothers and sisters, I urge you to join me in casting out this vile malevolance! Place your hands on your monitor screens and pray with me now!
IN THE NAME OF JESUS...BEGONE!!
Sibling Dyfrig, The Revd Mr Ambulance gave me the verge for heathen of your ilk (But much classier than that photo. Like. Think of the Speaker's Black Rod. Or whatever. You know what I mean). And he gave me the authority to use it. I have no other choice but to clock you on the scone with it.
-Clock!-
Thankyou Jesus. Amen.
She has a demon! The Australian has a demon of Antipodeanism! I rebuke you!
I...have a quandary
(Dramatic music)
Dun Dun DUUUUN
(/Dramatic music)
I regularly attend the Evening Praise service at a church because a friend of mine (who used to be the verger) persuaded me it was a "Mecca" (as it were) for what he described as "fit chicks". Of these, most are married and the one I dated and I have since parted ways, amicably but still parted.
Have you any ideas on how to persuade more single "fit chicks" to attend our Evening service?
Yours in antici...
...pation,
I have studied your threads in great detail (and very dapper they look too!), and have a couple of questions to tax your wisdom (or at least get me a 5% commission on it!).
Where did you get that silly name?
and,
less profound than questions of your origins (or legitimacy):
I despise my flatmate, and desire to beat her to death with her collection of nicky gumbel books. Is there a more biblical way of slaying a fellow christian, or at least a more painful one?
Yours insincerely,
[wood: can I borrow your sword for a little brutal impaling?]
Ok, people. Stop casting demons out of each other, please.
In the first place, it causes a mess. You have all these homeless demons scuttling around leaving slime trails or burn marks everywhere, and before you know it, the HTML code of the Ship is all cacked up and the Ship's clock goes weird, and there are twelve posts in the Styx pointing this fact out the the Administrators who *already* know it.
In the second place, it disturbs the neighbors. The nasty little things (i.e. the demons, not the neighbors) are sure to get out and infect some other board, and before you know it, the hellhosts have three or four weird-ass threads dumpted in their laps because otherwise intelligent and sensible people suddenly lose their minds and begin posting tripe.
If you *must* cast demons out of other Shipmates, please bring along an animal or a bottle of gin or something to then cast the demon into so that it doesn't get.out.
Tidiness is a virtue. Even in Hell.
tomb
hellhost
[host hat off]
[After my bitter complaints on another thread about dangling participles and other misplaced modifiers, I thought it prudent to fix my own.]
[ 30 January 2002: Message edited by: tomb ]
quote:
Originally posted by tomb:
The nasty little things (i.e. the demons, not the neighbors)
Tomb, are you sure the nasty little things aren't the neighbours? They were complaining about the noise when Carmel opened that
Christmas Party thread....
Viki
Perhaps I should have let it remain linguistically ambiguous. More interest that way.
And like Carmel/Kieran whoever, I admit to having had neighbors who might be demon-possessed. Well I remember that time the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in college when a bunch of us impoverished undergraduates had rented an apartment for the summer and were rooming together under what had to be illegal conditions because of the population density, and some of my buddies threw me in the swimming pool and this little old lady called the police because she though a Riot was occuring and I got out of the pool dripping wet and fully clothed to confront the Tulsa S.W.A.T. team. One is not at one's best under such conditions.
But let us forget the excesses of our Youth and focus on those of our Middle Age. Lent is coming up, and we haven't planned the Mardi Gras party in Heaven yet.
My only conditions are that everyone has to wear green and purple and wear beads. Other than that, I'm easy.
tomb
quote:
Originally posted by tomb:
My only conditions are that everyone has to wear green and purple and wear beads. Other than that, I'm easy.
tomb, you really must be more careful about your typing, as we will all have understood from the ABC threads the word is beards not beads
quote:
Originally posted by The Coot:
The Revd Mr Ambulance gave me the verge for heathen of your ilk (But much classier than that photo. Like. Think of the Speaker's Black Rod. Or whatever. You know what I mean). And he gave me the authority to use it. I have no other choice but to clock you on the scone with it.
Coot your education into the use of the verge is, I fear, sadly lacking. Try this reference for details of the correct usage.
Thankyou Sibling Steve_R. Sometimes I fear the Rev Mr Ambulance leaves holes in my education.
Amen.
quote:
Originally posted by Steve_R:
tomb, you really must be more careful about your typing, as we will all have understood from the ABC threads the word is beards not beads
No, Steven, it is, indeed, *beads.* The sort that one picks up at Mardi Gras in New Orleans after complying with requests to "show your --er, whatever."
Inasmuch as it is far too cold at the cabin right now (10 below F) recently to engage in such shenanigans, I propose everybody bring their own beads and just pretend they disrobed to obtain them.
Much more sensible.
And don't worry about the cold. We will have a nice fire going in the fireplace and in the kitchen. The outhouse will be ready. I have been saving the slick pages of the Sunday suppliments out of the newspaper in the absence of Montgomery Ward catalog pages for that special outhouse authenticity. If we run out, we can always use waxed paper, I suppose.
But everyone is right. We shall have to have to report our cabin celebration down here.
tomb
quote:
Originally posted by The Coot:
Oh my word! I'll dangle the end of the verge in the thurible. Oooh. White hot. And I'm meant to put it where? Sibling Dyfrig will really need our prayers and Gaviscon (Gaveston?) after that.
I would think that the last think Sibling Dyfrig would want after the red-hot poker treatment would be the "ministrations" of Edward II's "favourite" Gaveston - my eyes water just at the thought. I'll put in one of these , but, frankly, the eyes just aren't big enough.
There is a folk band called "Edward II and the Red Hot Polkas"
L.
You speak for yourself, you depraved creature. I'm no prude, but I'll thank you not to tell us any more about your kind of 'fun'.
You can put that kind of well and truly behind you if you're going to stick around here. There's quite enough godless pollution on this thread already thank you.
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
here. There's quite enough godless pollution on this thread already thank you.
Your most Holy Highness,
This is no way for such a reverend man as yourself to speak about Sibling Coot. The poor thing is trying hard you know.
I shall pray for you.
Viki
(Can you take this dagger out of my back please? My vicar thrust it in on Friday, and it's really hard to sleep with it keep wiggling around back there!)
quote:
Originally posted by sarkycow:
My vicar thrust it in on Friday
Is this sort of thing allowed on Fridays?
I noticed that the flock has gone considerably off the rails here... So I thought I'd bring the topic back...
I managed not only to burn my lamb roast to the texture of bootleather last night, but also managed to bake banana cakes today, the bottoms of which have fallen off. Should I be thinking about getting a new oven, or do I just need to cast the burn-demons out of it?
Nunc (ow ow ow I burnt my fingers! *blows on them and runs them under cold water*)
quote:
Originally posted by Louise:
Unfortunately the bit about the poker is mythical (but fun).
[tangent]Could you give a reference that debunks this "myth", because it seems very widespread, and presumably something killed him. I have heard on good authority that it wasn't the poker directly that did it, he died several weeks later of an infection caught as a result of the injuries.[/tangent]
I feel led to draw your attention to the disgraceful goings -ons that have been going on whilst you have been occupied with the Lord's work elsewhere.
In order to compose myself into a suitably holy frame of mind for Sunday, I'm wont to scour the boards for inspirational material and good clean debate.
On logging on this evening I found a thread entitled Christian Underwear Rocks! Thinking it to be referring to those strengthening words in Paul's epistles I unkowingly clicked on the mouse - only to find myself in the Devil's grip!!
I shot up a couple of arrow prayers - but it was too late! I had already typed the word errr...under.... errr linger... I mean 
ahem ...ladies'.... K*****rs.
Rev Gerlad! What shall I do??? I'm a small, if slightly battered pillar of my local church. I'm a sidesperson! I help with the little ones! I'm on thecoffee rota for goodness sake! How can I ever live this down!
Rev Gerlad, Gerald. Lent is approaching. Will giving up chocoate be enough to rescue me from the fiery pits of Hell and whatever it is those benighted creatures whom you have entrusted to guard this thread have been brandishing around lately?
Yours in deep distress,
Miffy
I have posted on Rev Gerald Ambulance's column.
ladies don't have knackers.
(unless, p'raps, they're from bankok.)
quote:
Originally posted by Campbell Ritchie:
Oh, sh*t. I have sunk to depths never before plumbed.
I have posted on Rev Gerald Ambulance's column.
You think you've got problems, Campbell Ritchie. This is my first week on board SOF and I actually posted on the "Christian underwear Rocks" thread. I'm out of control.
referring to items of ladies' intimate aparrel. (Does leading new members astray fall count as breaking one of the 10 Commandments?)
quote:
Originally posted by Miffy:
I shot up a couple of arrow prayers - but it was too late! I had already typed the word errr...under.... errr linger... I mean
Tis nothing!
I heard a tale about a guy who was going to a toga-party. He has 12 helium-filled 'sex-dolls' (also dressed in togas) tied to his pickup truck. However he hadn't tethered them tightly enough, and they started floating away.
A couple were driving their car when they saw this sight. The woman thought that the man was Jesus, and that the Rapture had come. She jumped out of the moving car so that she would not be left behind.
I thought that this sounded like an Urban Myth, so I typed a few key words from the story into a search engine. I realised just in time that I had typed:
Jesus sex-dolls
I really did not want to see the outcome of that search!
So, clicking on knickers is hardly a major crime. If it still bothers you then go starch all of your knickers as a penance.
bb
I suppose some might think I should be begging the good Rev's pardon for having dared to go where babybear did not, but since I hear from my cohort in crime that the good Rev STILL hasn't paid his tomb-tithe, I won't bother. The good Rev's pardons and absolutions are in fact not valid when his tomb-tithe is in arrears.
I thought that they would know the ture lies about that story.Perhaps I should have mentioned that I did know it was an UM. Is it really a sin to bring temptation to a Hellhost?
bb
quote:
Originally posted by babybear:
Is it really a sin to bring temptation to a Hellhost?
Nah, more of a good deed for the day
And RuthW, tomb et al - will you eviscerate the Rev soon if he doesn't pay his tombtithe? Because you would probably recoup all your lost revenue if you charged people for the pleasure of watching... I'll sell the tickets if you like
Viki
quote:
Originally posted by sarkycow:
....And RuthW, tomb et al - will you eviscerate the Rev soon if he doesn't pay his tombtithe? Because you would probably recoup all your lost revenue if you charged people for the pleasure of watching... I'll sell the tickets if you likeViki
I seem to recall that you have attempted to establish similar franchises in the past.
It is probably inappropriate to enrich oneself so blatantly on the misery of others, however pleasant the experience might be.
Let's keep this as much a spectacle for the hoi polloi as possible. If the interest becomes unmaneagable, we'll have our people get in touch with your people.
tomb
[changed vocabulary to make the post more nasty]
[ 05 February 2002: Message edited by: tomb ]
quote:
Originally posted by tomb:
It is probably inappropriate to enrich oneself so blatantly on the misery of others, however pleasant the experience might be.
Why inappropriate? I might possibly understand inadvisable, along the lines of they might try to kick my backside. I would, or course, have to floor them with my lethal wit But inappropriate?
And I'm only trying to earn an easy living. I ain't working hard if I can help it. Is that so unhellish of me? Nah, didn't think so
Viki
Sheesh -- you've been in hell all this time, and you're still unclear on the concept of bread and circuses ...
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
Yes, inappropriate. tomb's eviscerations are so entertaining to the general public, and he is such a generous soul, that he prefers to offer the spectacle free of charge.Sheesh -- you've been in hell all this time, and you're still unclear on the concept of bread and circuses ...
Tomb generous? We talking about the same hellhost here? Anyway I'm at least making something from the tight-fisted so-and-sos who sit around in hell doing nothing all day! Well, while they're being tortured, they could at least *try* and make me some money. Is that too much to ask?
Yours grumpily,
Viki
Viki
I have this itch in an... unitchable place. Should I say 5 Hail Marys or simply ask someone to itch the itch for me? Is this the kind of thing that can be exorcised? Does it require fasting and prayer?
Or is it a symptom that I am beyond curable on the wide well paved road to the Other Place?
Anxiously awaiting your reply, (*scratch scratch*)
Nunc
quote:
Originally posted by Nunc_Dimittis:
Dear Rev,I have this itch in an... unitchable place. Should I say 5 Hail Marys or simply ask someone to itch the itch for me? Is this the kind of thing that can be exorcised? Does it require fasting and prayer?
Or is it a symptom that I am beyond curable on the wide well paved road to the Other Place?
Anxiously awaiting your reply, (*scratch scratch*)
Nunc
He won't scratch it for you - I asked him before
Viki
I have already made the will of the Lord clear on the subject of intermarriage (and other stuff) between our feathered 'friends' and God's lovely humans. Depravity! Abomination! Godless filthiness!!
The athleticism of the said birds has got no bearing on the case.
Perfidy! Grossness and iniquity! Defilement!!
The only excuse for bringing them into church is to sacrifice them as a pleasing aroma unto the Lord, and Sunday dinner for the faithtful.
Ordure! Micturation! Vile uncleanlines!!
I hope this is helpful to you. If not, feel free to help yourself.
I don't myself detect any incoherence or such like diabolical interference in this epistle, but I should probably mention that I have spent the evening with my beloved sibling Fr Szbrovzhny investigating the litugical possibilities of various species of vodka, and so neither I nor the Lord can accept any responsibility for misleading sayings contained herein.
If you'll excuse me, I think I need to go to bed.
I was christened with it in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.
Where did you get yours, you delinquent virago?
Didn't Jesus tell us to 'render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's'? Namely that we should pay our taxes, tithes and other monies owed to the proper authorities? And yet RuthW and tomb assert that you haven't paid the tax for keeping open a thread in hell. Doesn't this put you in direct opposition to Jesus? Who's right, you or Him?
Viki
I fear that both Nunc and myself have been infiltrated/possessed/whatever you wish to call it by the dread spirit of inadequate foundationwear (take a peep in Tomb's cabin.)Marks and Spencer it aint!
Those feathers are giving me eczema. I daren't use the bathroom (chocolate having started to take effect) because some vile devil's brew is belching its way up the U-bend.) And nipping behind a bush isn't an option. A rather overfed cat appears to be mounting guard outside the front door.
If you don't put in an appearance pronto I'm never going to make it back home in time for Ash Wednesday.
Yours in even more utter despair,
Miffy
I'll be the judge of that my dear lay Sibling.
May I point out that for a flock to go off the rails it would have to be on it in the first place?
I managed not only to burn my lamb roast to the texture of bootleather last night, but also managed to bake banana cakes today, the bottoms of which have fallen off. Should I be thinking about getting a new oven, or do I just need to cast the burn-demons out of it?
Maybe one day, Sibling Nunc, my ministry will sink far enough below the level of anointment for me to resort to answering cookery problems. Till then may I point you towards Fr Nigel Twistleton's Claiming the Victory over your Microwave?
Ow ow ow I burnt my fingers! *blows on them and runs them under cold water*
Good Lord, how fast were you typing? Calm down, Sibling!
Better luck next time.
tomb
There's this person I know who really needs some guidance. You see, he has this problem remembering who he is.
I have the teensiest suspicion that you may have been defrocked.
Now you know what it feels like!
<waves bunch of burnt feathers around room with renewed determination>
Never fear, brothers and sisters. We'll soon smoke him out!
I have said shall no doubt have to say again, There is nothing remotely exciting about my use of an earthly amanuensis to deliver unto you my anointed utterances, and unfallible decrees.
If pseudepigrapha was good enough for SS Paul and Peter, I don't see why I shouldn't avail myself of its convenience.
After all, it matters not who brings the word of the Lord, as we who labour in the pulpit are mere empty vessels, irrelevant conduits to pipe the Word of Truth into the equally irrelevant receptacles sitting in the pews.
In the same way, it matters not who brings my word unto you, as long as it is mine, and not some counterfeit of human devising.
No.
If your heart is truly weighed down with anguish in due proportion the abominability of your iniquity, then so should your penance be.
The words of Our Lord are clear. If your fingers caused you to type in sinfulness, then cut them off. Alternatively if it was in your head that the wickedness started cut that off instead.
Either way, I'm sure if it is the will of God all shall be restored unto you.
I think you can go a head with the latter, Sibling Nunc. The only unitchable place I am aware of on the outer body is between the lower shoulder blades, which is according to my Zones of Iniquity chart is one of the least hellish parts of the whole body.
If it's anywere else you either it is within you - in which case, yes proceed straight to exorcism - or you have unusually short arms, which I suppose is just a reminder how far short you fall of God's standards, who according to the Scriptures has very long arms indeed.
My dear child, you have been led astray by false teaching and hollow thoughts. Is a protection racket the way of Christ? Did our Lord say unto St Peter "On this rock I shall build my mafia and the gates of St Ursula's High Pentecostal Reformed shall not prevail against it"?
No, sibling Cow. Or would you have me also paying this enemy of the Way not to micturate in the font, or not to put gunpowder in the thurible?
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
Olorin
Where did you get yours (silly name), you delinquent virago?
He pinched it from Gandalf while he was fighting the Bogroll.
bb
quote:
Originally posted by Rev Gerald Ambulance:
Did our Lord say unto St Peter "On this rock I shall build my mafia and the gates of St Ursula's High Pentecostal Reformed shall not prevail against it"?
Short answer: YES
Long answer: Well duh! Yes of course He did. And if you can't find it in your bible then it just shows how little you know of our Lord.
Viki
ps Does anyone know if we decided who actually was the One True Church(TM) yet? I could do with buying a dispensation or two
quote:
Originally posted by Stooberry:
i don't sell them, sorry viki.
Well that's ok, because you ain't the One True Church(TM)! You don't serve coffee, and we all know how much God likes his morning cup of filter coffee
Viki
I reminded of you in the Styx, where I happened upon +Rodrigo... And thought with relief that I at last might unburden my soul to someone.
You see, I seem to be causing conniptions and other distress disorders in several of your virtual flock, by virtue of certain dress choices. They seem to find it too overwhelming when I stalk into a room wearing fishnets, a black leather Victorian corset, suspenders, spiked dog collar, a black satin cloak, stiletto heeled thigh high boots (laced, of course), and with long black feathers trailing out of my hair.
I cannot help my dress sense (I would have thought Coot would understand, given the whole bird thing and all). Why should it be so scandalous?
What should I do to fit into this decent and goodly society? *bats long mascara-ed lashes*
Or is it them that should change?
Anxious and anguished,
Nunc
![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
quote:From the looks of it, not very much!
Originally posted by Nightlamp:
Well let's resurrect old threads....
I thought Rev Gerald was now doing something in the main magazine.
and Heaven (in need of a few home truths) ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
quote:No, you are wrong. Buy one only and with the rest of the money buy a plane ticket and bring it to me.
Originally posted by Beenster:
as to what you should do? Buy 2 more: one for you and one for me. Bombay Sapphire. Why? cos those letters appear in the bible.
![[Flaming]](graemlins/angryfire.gif)
