Thread: SoF Quotes File Board: The Circus / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Coot (# 220) on :
 
We used to have one of these long ago run by... the poster who um, yes. Well it's better not to mention her. [Tear]

Often when I see particularly funny/poignant/profound bits in posts, I cut and paste them into a file to use as possible .sigs (with acknowledgement, of course).

Therefore I thought I'd start this thread for contributions from around the board of worthy sayings. The quote that prompted this thread:

quote:
jedijudy:
I don't need an AK47. I am a Mom, and I know how to give "the look".

Another one at random (I have a very large number)...

quote:
Kenwritez:
Damn! My extra taco at lunch snatched the Unimix out of the mouths of some starving Sudanese. Bad me. Maybe I'll console myself with a handful of pretzels and kill off some Bangladeshis. If I'm really lucky, that pepperoni pizza for dinner can take down most of India.

I didn't take down the names of threads they appeared, but iirc jj's is from the Cowboys and Indians thread and Ken's from an old one in Purgatory about the evils of fat Christians.

This I think from the same thread as Ken's:
quote:
jugular:
I like being fat. I am happy being fat. In fact, I feel called to fatness. Being a lardass has been a very important part of my faith journey. If I didn't cry at Little Athletics because I kept coming last, Mum would never have sent me to Sunday School. Because I'm fat people do not perceive me as threatening. Women can be open and honest without thinking I want to root them. When I laugh, my whole body has a good time.

<small>[ 11. February 2013, 06:48: Message buggered about with by: Ariston ]</small>

[ 13. February 2013, 15:35: Message edited by: Ariston ]
 
Posted by Coot (# 220) on :
 
[Rustle Rustle]

Does no-one grazing on the threads think, 'Oh! That is so cool! My Shipmates are so witty, clever, bizarre, intelligent (choose which applies). I'm going to preserve wot they said forever...'

[Angel]


Next up we have one of my favourite posters:


~~~ QUOTES FOR ALL SEASONS by duchess ~~~


Dude, you know exactly what I meant in my clear way of speaking.


Throw a shrimp on the barbie and burn it baby.


Magic 8 ball sez: Eye candy does not cut it, chicky.


I want to kick his a*& in Christian love.


Magic 8 Ball Sez: Spank.


I intend to try to keep the Dorian Grey thing going on until I snag me a nice young hot thang. [Ed. note: [Eek!] ]


Bite me. I say that dripping with Christian Charity.


Wow. Somebody's got crushy-poo.


I scare all the single men away in my church. ... If I looked more like Pamela Anderson, they might work through their fear.


I love him as my brother in Christ but I seriously long to kick his a**.


.....


Steel yourself friends, Magic 8 ball season is not far off:
"I am trying to hold off since not only is it time consuiming, but also I try to keep that spirit reeled in till holiday shopping time, when I can use it more freely."
 
Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
I love Kelly Alves' sig -- "People will not believe 'Jesus loves me, this I know' if they do not believe "Kelly loves me, this I know.'" I'm probably mangling it terribly, but I love it.

[Axe murder]
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Good to see this thread back again ( [Tear] )

There are so many quotes and sig's worthy of mention. One sig that always used to make me smile, forgive me I forget which shipmate it is: 'I came, I saw, I made notes in the margin'.
 
Posted by Eigon (# 4917) on :
 
Here are three quotations that I particularly like (I have others):

Sixteen hours of anti-Christian, anti-Semitic, proto-Nazi, racialist, nationalist, fatalist, elitist, neo-pagan, pompous, screaming, gibbering, incestuous, violent, glorious, wierdness; belted out in cod-medieval alliterative German by great singers, unfit for any other music, specially bred for the purpose by Knights Templar genetic engineers in secret underground fortresses....
That's ken describing the Ring Cycle

Welsh is the language that wants to be Gaelic when it grows up. It is also the only language where "sheep farmer" and "pimp" are the same word. The only thing the Welsh have got right is their way of dealing with English holiday homes.
From Lurker (a Scot)

This is my blood of the new covenant, shed for you and for many, so that you can fart about doing whatever you like and ignore what I've been banging on about for the last three years, but that's alright, really, no, that's fine. Don't mind me.
From Dyfrig
 
Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
Nothing makes me laugh harder, think longer, study more nor entertain me like the Ship. Alas, my "Ship" file is only filled with real names, addresses, phone numbers, recipes, song links, etc. No quotes.

I feel so ashamed. Coot, from this day forward, when I read a brilliantly executed, far-fetched or nonsensical comment from a Shipmate, it's going to be copied and saved and shared.
 
Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
This is too long to copy out, but I have just voted this as my all-time best post on the ship.

This is how to answer the brainless morons like Priest, who Smudgie was responding to, with a well argued case, rather than just rudeness.
 
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
Oh dear, we both came back with the same grocery shopping! (Goodric)

' [Projectile] [Projectile] [Projectile] ' (Pants)

Both quotes from the 'random' thread, but not consecutive.
 
Posted by Coot (# 220) on :
 
Ah, Eigon, yes, I have that one of ken's too. lol [Overused] (Though I have 'giant' where you have 'great').


~~~And now some put downs~~~
(The understated favoured over the frontal assault)

quote:
babybear on being on-topic in answer to someone in Hell:

We have asked the question. We have answered the question. The answer is that you are talking a load of bollox.

best wishes and big hugs,

bb

"Do be a good little weenie and stick with the program." Erin


"Oh boo-fucking-hoo, (Name Removed). Cry me a river." paigeb.


"Thank you for sharing. Now, who are you again?" Erin.


"...feel free to address your concerns to your waste paper bin. It'll care more than me." Sarkycow.


"dozy airheaded meringue-wearing slappers" Norman the Organ, Defn. of a Bride.


"All the warmth and emotion of a moribund trout trapped in a sandbag." Diapason.


"Trust me, dear heart, homosexuality is not the doctrine of the incarnation and Lambeth 98 was not Nicea." Professor Yaffle, now Callan.


"Sometimes, there is a groundswell of consensus that someone's posts are pure and unadulterated crap, in content, presentation or both, and that it's time they knew it." Cranmer’s Baggage.


"I am impressed that I have managed to post "so many liturgical solecisms in one post". I reward myself with a gold star." daisymay

.


And my newest addition:

"Word has it that many Pagan priestesses also breathed as part of their rituals, and so I'm sure you will endeavor to stop doing so at your next service.)"
Mertseger, for those such as priest concerned with the adoption of pagan rituals into xtian ones.


[My quotes file is not systematic nor regular, so if you've said cool and/or witty and/or outrageous things which are absent from it, that isn't a reflection of their quality or my appraisal of it - just that I either didn't see 'em or wasn't very motivated about cutting and pasting at the time! I love youse all. [Tear] ]
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
And one from the wonderful bunny with an axe, Ms Kelly Alves (recently seen in hell):

'Dirty fighting. Either slap me or don't but don't tell me it's a tickle'.
 
Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on :
 
Also posted recently in Hell by our favourite Gator:

"Great googly moogly, you are crazier than a shithouse rat."

You've gotta respect someone who can use "great googly moogly" in an insult.

[ 30. September 2004, 12:57: Message edited by: Flausa ]
 
Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
I went back, Coot, just for you, and found this one that I remember brought me great joy:

Fame--Grrrrrr
I wanna live forever...


by Beli on the hilarious "Fame... Grrrr" thread.
 
Posted by ChristinaMarie (# 1013) on :
 
Alan Creswell responding to a post by Flausa who had descibed how some of Benny Hinn's followers had screamed at her to rid her of demons because she had a headache. (On the TV Evangelists thread)

quote:
Praying for the Holy Spirit to heal a headache is an easy mistake to make. It's a simple confusion between paracetamol and paraclete.

 
Posted by Ilkku (# 8123) on :
 
my sig was from Mousetheif orginally -and it - fitted the situation perfectly
 
Posted by Gremlin (# 129) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ilkku:
my sig was from Mousetheif orginally -and it - fitted the situation perfectly
--------------------
Oh, and PS: It shouldn't be hard to spell my name right. It's on everything I post. (Mousethief)

And there are sooo damn many of those that nobody should ever get it wrong! [Biased]

Gremlin
 
Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ilkku:
my sig was from Mousetheif orginally -and it - fitted the situation perfectly

I hope that was intentional...

[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]
 
Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on :
 
Hey, as long as it's spelled right in the sig, that's all that matters isn't it? [Biased]

[ 03. October 2004, 20:24: Message edited by: Flausa ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
In Purgatory:
Father Gregory posted this on the "How have Liberals contributed to Christianity?"--
quote:
Liberals(I have usually found ... assuming I could recognise one if I saw one) are people ... and being people, they generally have something good to contribute.

Then, minutes later, posted this on "How have Evangelicals contributed to Christianity?"--

quote:
Evangelicals (I have usually found ... assuming I could recognise one if I saw one) are people ... and being people, they generally have something good to contribute.

I am such a sucker for sass.
 
Posted by Elisabeth Scott (# 7290) on :
 
Don't forget, "If you keep on calling me Satan I shall be forced to sing show tunes," which is Ken Writez' sig, I think.
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
Indeed it is, alltho I am toying with RooK's quote, "Note to self: must be more petty and cruel." Enough of this fluffy bunny guff!
 
Posted by Ilkku (# 8123) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
quote:
Originally posted by Ilkku:
my sig was from Mousetheif orginally -and it - fitted the situation perfectly

I hope that was intentional...

[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]

LOL
 
Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on :
 
From Mousethief on the "just war" thread in Purgatory:

quote:
Please don't put words in my mouth; it's crowded enough as it is.


 
Posted by Another.Ruth (# 7412) on :
 
Rat, on the subject of a dieting book's more peculiar suggestions, over on "God, Food & Us"

quote:
And I already have to get up at 6.15 if I'm cycling to work - there is no way on earth I'm going to get up an hour earlier so I can drink a glass of warm water with lemon juice (goes straight to the bowels, apparently - not sure what it does there) and do an exercise to find my emotional core before breakfast. I don't have an emotional core at 5.30 am.


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Coot, I just saw this. I am so touched, you are so sweet to think me so clever. [Waterworks]

I really need to do another MG8Ball thread. [Devil]
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
From Flausa being random:
Men. Can't live with 'em. Can't let 'em decompose underneath your bed.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Trini (# 7921) on :
 
Sorry I don't remember who said this. (It may have been Ronist or one of the Shipmates with the same avatar as Ronist.)

quote:
The US is not, of course, a colony. You were convicted of throwing tea into water that was not at a full boil and were therefore scrubbed from the membership list.
Some revisionist history there. [Biased]
 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Part of Furry Gherkin's sig at the moment

"I Think...Therefore I can't Thwim..."

[Furry Gherkin might not have put an apostrophe in ...]

[ 07. October 2004, 20:56: Message edited by: Ann ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
From jlg:

quote:

(For most of my life, one of the things I couldn't accept about Christianity was this "we are all sinners" bit. Until I realized it just was a different way of saying we all want to be perfect, and we are all imperfect, and we all hate ourselves for that.)


 
Posted by *Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
I like kenwritez' line about "looking at God through the cat flap."
 
Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on :
 
From Ruudy on the Conversions thread in Purgatory:
quote:
Some of us get the burning bush. Some of us a smoldering ashtray.

 
Posted by Coot (# 220) on :
 
They said it!


"the thing is when one has led such a debauched and fulfilled youth as as I have, ones fantasies become a place of restful ease rather than rabelaisian excitement..."
Septimus


"A trashy piece of Tory willy-waving to seduce the blue-rinse bloodsuckers in the cheap seats at party conference."
ken on s28.


"More bodice-ripping historical novels in an imaginary history."
ken on Star Trek, Babylon 5 and Blake's 7.


"what would be a simple fun flirtation with another turns into a rapacious ravening amusement park thrill ride with me"
Janine


"Why can't we have a theory of inspiration that allows for the inspiration of the rodent that ate the last page of Mark?"
psyduck


Q: "What amazing thing has God done in your life this week?"
A: "He's kept me from killing you and burning down your house with your terrified loved ones handcuffed inside."
Kenwritez


"We all know [the Hosts and Admins] spend their days lounging under palm fronds under the sun, eating grapes to the sound of lazily plucked guitars and languidly bestirring their oiled bodies only to allow the masseuse better access or to reach the drinks and nibbles tray."
kenwritez


"The fraction anthem is cover music, folks."
irreverentkit


"January 2011: Martin PCNot's posts turn out to be a code, containing an unsuspected Mystery of Fatima."
Duo Seraphim


"Praise Jesus that our sister has the chance to take part in a commercialised capitalist exploitation dressed like a slut! Hallelujah!"
Jugular (On joyous handraising by a charismatic congregation on hearing the news that a member was selected for Idol or some such)


"I haven't gotten a taste for Marilyn Manson, but I might be willing to try if it would upset people enough."
Scot


"MM may be gone from these boards, but I feel his spirit flowing up the Ship Canal."
Degs
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Kepler's Puppet:
Since when did a Hell thread stay on topic for more than 50 posts? At least we're on page 2 and still talking about animals!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Posted by Kepler's Puppet (# 4011) on :
 
From Kelly Alves, in a thread that caused some controversy....

quote:
Cotton ain't the greatest thing to shove up your wazoo, but at least it breathes
When I first read that, it was one of the funniest things I had heard for a long time!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Pardon my ego, but I have to admit I was pretty proud of that one myself.]
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
That should have been another huge steaming pile of Cluely Goodness. --Amazing Grace

Feel my thrumming jealousy. -- RooK
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Come to think of it, Grace comes up with some sweet ones. I will have to keep an eye out.
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
"It's A Small World is a great advertisment for isolationist politics. If that's what heaven's like, I'm sinning my tits off for the rest of my life." --Marvin the Martian
 
Posted by Paul W. (# 1450) on :
 
A couple from my quotes file:

"Sometimes the message of the Holy Spirit to those who have ears to hear is that the thing they are being told is a load of rubbish and they would be better off in the pub." - Amos

" Mmmm? Religious disagreements? Eh? Boys playing theological football in the park, deacons for goalposts? Mm? Marvellous. Oh no! The ball's gone near the road! Screech of breaks - splat! Mummy mummy, that boy did it! Take that you horrid Catholic. Mmmm? Marvellous." - Dyfrig

Paul W
 
Posted by jemimah (# 8474) on :
 
quote:

Originally posted by IntellectbyProxy:
quote:

Originally posted by Pyx_e:
I think IbP is being drawn to the dark side of the force.

Better the dark side of the force than the dork side of the farce.


 
Posted by tej (# 7913) on :
 
A quote I like is
quote:
A man stands on a mountain on a planet orbiting a medium star. The Star orbits the center of a galaxey. The galaxey is one of many. And the man proclams himself greater than God
Another one I like is
quote:
It is not the number of people at a funeral but the number of tears.

 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
And from Vikki Pollard's sig:

I was going to put a signature but the pen won't write on the screen.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
As this came flying out of my mouth the other day under duress, I figured I should thank Kenwritez:

quote:
F**k me running.
[Edited for Hellishness]
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
The day of my funeral, Kelly's going to come forward and place a single rose on my casket. Someone will ask what I meant to her, and she'll answer, "He taught me 'f*ck me running.'"

It's legacies like this that are truly priceless. [Eek!]
 
Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From the thread, "Dammit Jim, this is an office, not a bordello!".

Kepler's Puppet on the overuse of perfume or scent, in an answer to Zwingli:
quote:
I've walked past guys and could almost see the mosquitos dropping from the sky in their wake [Disappointed] . Ditto for women.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
We had a great thread called "Things yout therapist would never tell you" that collected a lot of classics. My favorite was from Cusanus:

quote:
Your problem is you have delusions of adequacy.

 
Posted by Celsti (# 4523) on :
 
From the 'jackass in pickup truck" thread, in Borde Del Infierno:

Pob said

quote:
Mousethief, you apparently met one of the top ten contenders for the title of Thickest Racist of the Year. I wouldn't worry about him pouring petrol through your letter box. He'll probably pour it into his A:drive and try to email it to you.

tee hee ...

Oh, admire my sig while you are here, cos in a couple of days it's going to be replaced by a really good quote about postmodernism that I have to look up when I get that library book back.

me sig:
"The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity."
- W.B. Yeats takes a glum look at modern Anglicanism.

(from "The Second Coming")
 
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
'Sometimes we Snyffed our Snot' - Goodric from the A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S. thread in Circus.
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
And from Raspberry Rabbit posting in the Styx:

"...the Ship is an oasis of urbane behaviour in an otherwise evil and chaotic expanse of cyberspace".
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Although I'd usually go for the "laughed so hard I bust a gut" kind of quote for this thread, Timothy the Obscure just posted this on the US election thread in Purgatory, and it had me nodding so hard my head nearly rolled off my neck:

"I certainly agree that Democrats, and the left in general (to the extent one can characterize the post-Clinton Democrats as "left") have made a terrible mistake in allowing the right to act as if it held trademark rights on the language of morality. People tell pollsters they vote on the basis of "moral values" which seems to mean nothing more than "other people's sex lives." I vote on the basis of moral values too: the moral value of social and economic equality; the moral value of caring for the sick; the moral value of not bombing civilians (or anyone else if you can help it); the moral value of not allowing corporations to exploit and rob workers and communities; the moral value of leaving a livable planet for our grandchildren. These are in no way less serious "moral values" than the sexual virtues that conservatives make so much of (indeed, I consider them far more morally serious and substantive than personal chastity). All the liberals I know are liberals because they believe liberalism to be a morally superior philosophy, and for many of them, that conviction stems from religious belief (Christian or otherwise). We need to say that louder."
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(In honor of Wood's retirement)

Way back when I first joined the Ship, I copied down something Wood had in his sig. I thought it was the most repsectful phrasing of disagreement that I had ever seen, and really attracted me to the site. Here it is, straight form my quote wall:

quote:
I've thought about it. I know what I am talking about. I am aware of the literature. I completely understand what you are saying. My opinion is different.I'll credit you with the intelligence to work out what that means for yourself.

 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
melliethepooh's sig:

"The end of all our journeying will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time".
 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
Had to trace that one Dolphy but knew it was not MelliethePooh's original. Tried C.S.Lewis and tried George MacDonald, before I ended up Googling and finding it is from T.S. Elliots The Four Quartets. Strange how that quote stuck with me and quite a chunk of the rest of that quartet though I have rarely read it, or heard it.

Jengie
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Thanks for clarifying that Jengie, I knew I had read it somewhere before but could not place it... until now.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I enjoyed reading the following post by marsupial:

Personally I think Christmas has become too commercialised and we seem to have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. Did Santa die on the cross for nothing?
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I can't remember who it was, but one sparkling day in Hell we had one of those online tests that told you what your spiritual gifts were, and someone who took the test posted:

quote:
Oh, hoo-freaking-ray. I have the gift of celibacy.
Still gets me giggling.
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
Transferred from closed "Quote of the day" thread in Heaven:

by Rossweise:

From an interview by Warwick Thompson of Bloomberg News with conductor Harry Bicket, on his ability to work at the Metropolitan Opera after spending years as a musician in the Church of England:

quote:

... Thompson: But you come from a cathedral background yourself. Does that mean your instincts aren't theatrical?

Bicket: I was at Westminster Abbey for four years and let me tell you -- the processions! The big occasions! It was pure theater. And frankly, in terms of divadom, working for the clergy of the Church of England at the highest level prepares you for anything you might meet on the operatic stage. And you can quote me on that.

Rossweisse // trusting that if this is in the wrong place, some kindly host will transfer it
 
Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
~~The Deep and The Controversial~~

"The great aunt Maud of Bishop Upright who ordained me was a lesbian. Oh my God ... where's the mitzvah bath?! The opportunities for evangelical Soundness Inquisition now know no bounds."
(Fr Gregory, response to Sydney commentary on the contaminated hands of ordinaries)


"As for an openly gay bishop -- all our bishops are celibate. Whether they aren't having sex with men or aren't having sex with women is totally irrelevant. I can't imagine why anyone would care."
josephine


"Are all gardens clearly heterosexual procreative environments? If I found heterosexuals procreating in my garden, I'd be mighty upset (especially if they smashed the basil)."
Mousethief


"... perhaps I unknowingly do harm by accepting homosexuality as a natural variation on human sexuality. But I cannot see how it is better to choose to do demonstrable harm over a possible, mysterious, esoteric harm not apparent to me."
Belle


"In my experience every one who loves the Church is also betrayed by the Church. For to love it is to also desire its heavenly reality to be incarnated NOW and all we get is an earthly monstrosity."
Jengie


"We are all (actually the whole world is) the incarnation of God and we will all die and we will all be resurrected. (I'm sure this belief is some formal heresy and would be glad to have it identified!"
I forgot to write down who wrote this one - anyone know? jlg possibly, it sounds like her [Biased]


"The church is a whore but she is our mother, and we love her...."
Multipara
 
Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
~ Blind Things ~ (traditional)

"Even a blind chicken can peck a grain of corn every now and again."
Sine


"Every once in a while, even a blind squirrel gets a shiny brass doorknob."
Mad Geo


"Even a blind pig gets an acorn now and then."
Moo


~~ They said it! Religious flavour. ~~

"I don't flirt. It breaks the flow of the liturgy."
Anselmina


"It is unseemly to bear at the mass symbols of our temporal bondage once we have crossed the threshold to that place without time."
The Dumb Acolyte, on wearing watches while celebrating the Mass.


"How is that made up? 5 minutes taking it up? 5 minutes glorying in it? 5 minutes preaching it? 5 minutes marching as it goes on before? 10 minutes clinging?"
Firenze, regarding the 'cross trainer'.


"I ain't had it in years and years, am I not holy?"
Jerry Boam


"I do love the risen Lord but after attending a recent happy clappy service I almost felt as if I'd been assaulted by him!!!"
Dorothea


"If the idea of a few subversive women offering up raisin cakes to God gets your knickers in that much of a twist then you should go and lie down."
Louise
 
Posted by Gremlin (# 129) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Balaam:
Marriage - when salad starts filling the space in the fridge reserved for beer.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
From Kiwigoldfish: the kind of attitude that makes Hell the delightful romp it is:

quote:
Perhaps I should change my sig line to "I reserve the right to wilfully misconstrue your posts for my own amusement."


 
Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
Hallelujah! I've made it™!
 
Posted by Mr Me (# 5834) on :
 
This post over in Hell.
quote:
I work in one of those overstuffed vaginas!
Welcome to the ship Sophie Bell!
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
"chive's a girl"

various threads and SoF cafe.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Dammit, this was funny, and if nobody else is gonna immortalize it, I will:

quote:
Holy Cow, a feminist call to arms? And nobody nudged me awake?

--A brilliant and hilarious person.
 
Posted by Kepler's Puppet (# 4011) on :
 
"... reductio ad absurdum doesn't work if the target has achieved such absurdity on their own that no further reduction is possible."-- Timothy the Obscure
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by josephine:
... between what should be and what is there is a gap wide enough to parallel park an aircraft carrier.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Trust Erin to come up with this one:

quote:
You are wronger than a wrong thing that is mistaken.


[ 06. February 2005, 17:48: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Light (# 4693) on :
 
This just in from TrudyTrudy in Heaven:

quote:
References to coffins and dead mothers bring down the mood of a wedding.

 
Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
If it suited my nature more, I'd adopt this gem from RooK as my new sig:
quote:
...it is painful for me to read you butchering the principles with the tarnished butter knife you call an intellect.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
How 'bout one from Gandhi?

quote:
Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.
--Gandhi


 
Posted by Frederick Buechner's Lovechild (# 4058) on :
 
First post in a long time, guys (not that I was ever prolific!). Reading your lines made me smile.

I offer one from a guy I used to work with:

"I only swear when I'm angry. But I'm angry all the time". [Biased]
 
Posted by Kepler's Puppet (# 4011) on :
 
"See those two holes at the sides? Your arms go in there. Then you've gotta decide where to put your head."-- Amos
 
Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:

Work was invented by the Devil to eat your life, sap your will and energy, and stop you doing the things you really want to do.

Amen and amen!
 
Posted by St Stevie the Sacrilegious (# 9113) on :
 
Dumbledore Wannabe posted this in the early stages of his sailing (c/- the All Saints newbies board):

quote:
"I have no desire to be a bishop - I would rather go to heaven"
Chorister then adopted it as her sig for a while. Would've done the same, but can't be seen to be a copycat, now can I?
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I was griping about my family's melodramatic tendancies to my instructor, and she sniffed,"Constipation ain't contagious. That's their problem, you don't need to catch it."
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh, and just because this is such Sine thing to say:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
You don't get over 9800 posts if you care if other people are paying attention.


 
Posted by Trini (# 7921) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep:
Snow is bad. Snow is evil. I believe that the Devil redecorated after reading Dante's 'Inferno'.


 
Posted by Sophie Bell (# 8822) on :
 
From Trudy-Trudy on the F'ing Flag Wavers thread in Hell
quote:
It's all praise and worship till somebody's baby loses an eye.
I think that's the funniest variation on that old saying I've ever heard!
 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
My 15 seconds of fame! Thank you Sophie Bell!
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
From Kenwritez on the 'Justifying a Christian Hell thread':

The Ship is a community full of lumpty, bumpty people and Alan Cresswell, it's not a frickin' TV show where all our problems are resolved in 22 minutes and four advertising breaks.
 
Posted by Koovie (# 4434) on :
 
quote:
"It's like the donated Plasma of Christ rather than His Shed Blood."
- Elizabeth Anne on White Wine at the Eucharist

[ 09. June 2005, 06:58: Message edited by: Koovie ]
 
Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
Best Description of Ship Life award goes to:

quote:
Originally posted by Barnabas62:
My silly answer is that, at this stage of my life, I am an increasingly round couch potato who gets his jollies by considering deep and daft questions on this Board. I really must get out more.

Shouldn't we all!
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From the Coot:

(see signature below)

Just [Killing me] .
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
LC - Its brilliant isn't it! I'm so glad you made it your signature. I'm trying to work out how to get it into a sermon I'm preparing ...
 
Posted by Sinisterial (# 5834) on :
 
In the silly things I just found out thread in heaven babybear wrote:
quote:

We were reclined against our pillows during those events. However, Gremlin would like me to inform you that he did experience difficulties in performing as well as he might like. He recommends a more upright position.


 
Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
Just having a rustle through my potential .sig file for quotes since the last time I posted:

~Miscellaneous quotes, some funny, some deep~

"A circle is just a load of very short straight lines that did some bad stuff together."
Julian the Apostate


"It is a mystery, but that doesn't mean we can't try to think about it, if only to end up falling down in worship anew."
Divine Outlaw-Dwarf, on the Trinity.


"We can't stop the Second Coming, it is the consummate Good Thing, and after the "tribulations", the Kingdom will be realized."
Shareman


"Damn right babe. The old bag lady can load up her trolley, especially as she's off it, with whatever junk she likes. Poor dear. Jesus will clean her up to marry her."
Martin PC Not on The Church.


"Is this a less-than-usually-convincing Turing Test?"
Hedonism_Bot on newbie, peepingtom


"how love is lived out varies tremendously from one person to the next"
Ruth


"If Fr Sarducci's numbers are right, we should restrict ourselves to masturbating no more than 41 times a day (if otherwise sinless). It's a bit Spartan, but I think I can live with that..."
IngoB
 
Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
Hallelujah! I've made it™!

Oh, kiwi! I've had one for you that I somehow missed using (possibly waiting for a thematic collection) which I think predates that.


"Well I would provide the evidence Mousethief. Except that I have 2 women, 4 men, 1 sheep and 3 dogs to hump before lunch so can't afford the time."
kiwigoldfish, when asked to provide evidence that liberals' are/are not sexually obsessed.
 
Posted by Elizabeth Anne (# 3555) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Koovie:
quote:
"It's like the donated Plasma of Christ rather than His Shed Blood."
- Elizabeth Anne on White Wine at the Eucharist
I don't believe it! No one has ever quoted me before.

Edit: Sorry that thread has since been deleted, so the link is broken.

[ 31. July 2005, 16:30: Message edited by: Gremlin ]
 
Posted by Eliab (# 9153) on :
 
I've just noticed this thread. My favourite quote from a while ago - Mousethief on Calvinism:

quote:
every point a bona fide heresy
I've no idea if the oxymoron was intentional or not, but I love it and have resolved to use it whenever opportunity arises.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
In the middle of one of those gross-out threads in Hell, Gloriagloriagloria said this:
quote:
Oh, ick. I think I just threw up into my mouth.

 
Posted by Sophie Bell (# 8822) on :
 
Because it made me giggle.

On a "calling the new guy to hell" post, Spiffy da WonderSheep had this to say about the ubiquitousness of trolls.

quote:
We seem to have a constant-volume system here with respect to trolls. One leaves, and new one appears.
Spiffy :
quote:
Nature does abhor a vacuum.

So does my cat, now that I think about it...


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Heh. I was gonna post that, too, but didn't want to double post.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Posted by Chukhovsky:

I vastly prefer to think the worst of people. It's so much more satisfying.

Very sigworthy - aren't I generous passing it on for someone else to use [Cool]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
From the tag of a tea-bag (keep your anti-tea-bag comments to yourself,please:)

quote:
Books have the same ememies as people; fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content.


--Paul Valery.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh, and IMHO Laura currently has the best sig going:

quote:
Why do we always come here?/I guess we'll never know.
It's like a kind of torture/to have to watch the show.

Statler & Waldorf of The Muppet Show


 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
I'm sorry I did not find this thread earlier (I only visit the Circus now and then.) I believe I just may begin my own file of excellent quotes.

Though there are various Ship mates whose contributions are very enlightening, when it comes to my falling over laughing (as well as thinking!) I would say that ken's posts are tops, with Fr Gregory and Callan coming in soon afterward.

One quote that I love was from FCB. I cannot recall the exact topic we were discussing in Purgatory, but do remember that a number of posts had bewailed the lack of charity, kindness, and so forth that people are shown in the Church. It would not have been as funny had it not come from a theologian: "The Church sucks. The Church always has sucked. And the Church always will suck."
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Never discuss food in Hell.


From RooK:
quote:
Dang. Now I'm hungry.

Mmmm... babies.


 
Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
originally posted by Kelly Alves:
God loves to fuck with people's egos.


 
Posted by Gildas ap Caius (# 10470) on :
 
That's sad. That's really sad. Whatever happened to "But soft, my fair Ophelia! Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery; go!"

(Tell me you've read Huck Finn at least once in your life...)
 
Posted by Gildas ap Caius (# 10470) on :
 
Dang it! Wrong thread! Don't you hate it when that happens?
 
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 
I can't believe this hasn't been posted before:

quote:
A small member is God's way of telling you that you are one of His lambs, not one of His rams.
LATA to Ian Climacus in 'Ask Aunty Altar.'
 
Posted by Joyfulsoul (# 4652) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:
Welcome to the underwhelming.

On the DH thread, Biblical Inerrancy

[ 07. November 2005, 06:28: Message edited by: Joyfulsoul ]
 
Posted by Joyfulsoul (# 4652) on :
 
Here's another:

quote:
Originally posted by scoticanus:
Blessed are the respectable, because theirs is the fun of kicking all the rest.

[eta: flippin' code]

[ 07. November 2005, 21:13: Message edited by: Joyfulsoul ]
 
Posted by Gildas ap Caius (# 10470) on :
 
quote:
(At times) This baby lists to port so far you could fish with a dip net.
Romanlion, speaking of SoF (the boards, at least) in Purgatory's "Call in the Allies?" thread; to an American who, thinking himself liberal, found himself further right than many of his shipmates.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
"A person is not fully formed when they come new born..... The entirety of their life makes the whole person."

Spotted on another thread, but I foolishly didn't save who wrote it. First person to find it and post here gets some free choccy.
 
Posted by Pure as the Driven Yellow Snow (# 9397) on :
 
Jengie Jon on What is the Reformed 'franchise'? in Purgatory -last one on the bottom of this page if the link works.

If you are serious about the choccie, I'm happy to send something horribly Australian in return.
Vegemite, kangaroo scrotum, you know that sort of thing.

[I put a bit of your remembered phrase into the search engine BTW and guessed it would be in Purg]


[typo]

[ 11. November 2005, 03:54: Message edited by: Pure as the Driven Yellow Snow ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
"Do waht I telepathically tell you to do, not what I say."

--Director, over headset on TV production I was working on today.
 
Posted by aj (# 1383) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
"Do waht I telepathically tell you to do, not what I say."

--Director, over headset on TV production I was working on today.

Ah...comms chatter - a potential source of great entertainment for those who work in the broadcast industry!

A director I often work with likes to say
"mention my name and you'll get a good seat"
when someone in the crew has to excuse themselves, perhaps with the remark "I'm just going to put a deposit on some porcelain".
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh the fun we had today, riffing on on the General Manager, who kept the staff, the talent, and the volunteers waiting a half hour after we were supposed to wrap, just because he decided five minutes before the end of the show that he wanted to be a camera-whore.

Quote of the day, by moi:

"God,that guy is slick. I don't know if I can contain myself, I might just leap right over the camera and have him."

The boys in the control room loved that.
 
Posted by Pânts (# 999) on :
 
I just posted here... where did it go?? [Confused]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
That would make a good quote in itself, Pants! [Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I just thought this was funny.

From Corpus cani, after getting fact-checked:
quote:
You checked?

You CHECKED?

Well! I proffer my words of wisdom and you "check" them? I'm mortified.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This just in:Spiffy's sig

quote:
In a very Christian way, as far as I’m concerned, he can go to hell.
President Jimmy Carter on Rev. Jerry Falwell.

Carter said that? He really said that?

Another person I hope is lurking.
 
Posted by aj (# 1383) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
This just in:Spiffy's sig

quote:
In a very Christian way, as far as I’m concerned, he can go to hell.
President Jimmy Carter on Rev. Jerry Falwell.

Carter said that? He really said that?

Apparently.
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Life is to short to argue with the people whose funerals we will eventally have to attend.

Jeremiah Gutzywuk in Hell
 
Posted by Joyfulsoul (# 4652) on :
 
"All I can conclude from that is that Jesus was obviously a woman, given that she was a conspicious failure as a carpenter and spent a lot of time befriending the lonely and the disheartened."


Demas, on the thread Bradford Abundant Life Church

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
This from RooK on the "Calling Dave Marshall" Hell thread deserves to be turned into a church banner

quote:
Nonsense. My favourite people are mean-spirited and reasonable - me, for instance.

 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
And, for RooK-watchers everywhere, here is another little GEM.

The phrase "venom-momentum" should be patented.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Three in a row, I know, but this quote from Gort on the TICTH thread deserves a more permanent record.

quote:
Hey, when you're generally inept, it's tough to pick up on subtle cues. I should know.

 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by CrookedCucumber:
I guess doing Christianity on your own is a bit like doing karate on your own -- you can go through the motions, but it's no fun if there's no-one to beat up [Smile]

Nice [Cool]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Accept your family as they are, not as you would like them to be. Then ignore them.


 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
Because it's too long to be my next signature:

quote:
The majority of the natives of this Tartarian region are in full keeping with the scenery—savages, without the grace of savages, coarsely clad in filthy garments, with no change on week-days and Sundays, they converse in a language belarded with fearful and disgusting oaths, which can scarcely be recognized as the same as that of civilized England.
Samuel Sidney describes the West Midlands, 1851
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by quantpole:
I doubt very much that up until 100 years ago the church was the epitome of inclusivity.

From the "girlie" thread in Purgatory, a masterly understatement.
 
Posted by quantpole (# 8401) on :
 
And thankyou for correcting my spelling before quoting me.

(Epitome not epitomy. Not being a student any more means I've been missing Countdown too much)
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
From Birdseye:

"God is not an answer.
God is a question."

 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Originally posted by Tubifex Maximus in a current, and deeply "sad", Styx thread:

I used to know a Methodist Minister who actually had deliverance ministry to drive out his sense of humour

Thanks TM! Sometimes I reckon a certain amount of "driving in" a sense of humour is a good thing to have ministry for.
 
Posted by Tubifex Maximus (# 4874) on :
 
I'd like to thank Barnabas62 for his nomination; I have occasional moments of lucidity. I now need deliverance ministry for my vanity...
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
In the recipe thread:

Mamacita: But what's a "knob of butter?"
ken: Less than you want but more than you ought to.

Which is pratically unarguable.
 
Posted by fnk (# 10377) on :
 
There was a quote I read somewhere on the ship that I can't find any more. Can anyone enlighten me?

I think it was someone's sig and it went something along the lines of: " Touch the wounds in my hand, stick your hand into my side, if someone said that to you at a party you would slowly back away"
 
Posted by Hazey Jane (# 8754) on :
 
I think it may have been The Coot, but I'm probably wrong.
 
Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
Ooer. Gang shuo Caocao, Caocao jiu dao! Speak of the devil and he appears.

Yes, lol, something like that, Lambchopped had it as her .sig.
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
-True moral deliberation is a lot more complicated than lists of platitudinous prohibitions. -Lutheranchik (on Are sins redundant? - Purg thread)

[I felt like I was reading myself there for a split second...cool jive-type-groovy-rhyme with smooth delievery yet pithy sharp bite..you go girl] [Overused]

[ 20. January 2006, 21:19: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
From Sine on the Insults thread in Hell:
quote:
The best insults aren't 'fucktard' or 'wanker' but merely the truth another prefers not to acknowledge.


 
Posted by Always Waiting (# 10141) on :
 
I saw this as a sig when I was lurking. I sniggered for a couple of weeks, then joined the Ship:

"You people wouldn't know a saint if he pissed in your cheerios."
- Gort -

...and yep, after testing, that still makes me snigger.
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
[Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Timothy the Obscure in Purg:
quote:
Maybe we should just stop trying to eff the ineffable.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I liked that one, too. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Hazey Jane (# 8754) on :
 
From this thread...

Sayeth Pottage:
quote:
It's absolutely true that wherever two or three of Wesley's people are gathered together, one of them will have brought a quiche.
Made me chuckle anyway.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I could fill this thread just by following Spiffy the Wondersheep around for a day or so
quote:
Grand social narrative is why God created blogs. And my potatoes are burning!


[ 11. February 2006, 19:16: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Exhibit B:

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep:
quote:
Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Two gems today:
quote:
Originally posted by The Bede's American Successor:
Of course, God does buy us flowers and a bottle of wine time and time again to convince us of Love's existence.

and

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep:
The position of Savior of the World is already taken (but they're keeping my resume on file for any other positions that might come up)


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
All of us Christians are a sham now and then - but seeing where we've fallen short of commitment can lead us to greater dependence on divine grace. - Newman's Own

from the Gene Robinson In Alcohol Rehab thread.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Originally posted by OliviaG:
Sorry, I didn't realize this was a bad thing to do.

It's not a bad thing at all. I'm just an asshole.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
RooK, you're on a roll lately.

(from above, after random cheap shot):

... Also, they tend to be human, and that's generally not the best way to get on my good side.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
.and another...

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
There's always rules, whether you're shooting fish in a barrel or dropping grenades in a lake.

Gee, everybody's so witty lately.
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
down from Heaven comes:

quote:
originally posted by Corpus Cani:
Personally, I'm finding it difficult to believe that God will provide a personal vibrating massage wand with solar powered batteries.

Even for Mousethief.

[Killing me]

(eta: I'm a nitwit who can't do UBB. mea culpa)

[ 20. February 2006, 06:11: Message edited by: cometchaser ]
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
my God we're a brilliant bunch of funny people on this ship!

quote:
originally posted by KenWritez:
I inspire raging hormones like Genghis Khan riding little red blood cells across the steppes of your hippocampus.

[Overused]

this is what writers do with ego trips. I love it!

Comet
 
Posted by Joyfulsoul (# 4652) on :
 
This was absolutely hilarious (from purg):

quote:
from the estimable wit of IngoB:
cease and desist, or Satan will bite you in the butt. I swear.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Another Spiffleism:

quote:
Well, I'll be there (Baruch HaShem and the crick don't rise).

 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
quote:
... And stop signing all your email "Love" -- it's creepy and it makes me hate you. ~RuthW

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Kenwrotez*:

quote:
BTW, I do a pulled pork BBQ so good it'll make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window.


*Thank you, Mad Geo
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Kelly Alves wrote:
quote:
My guardian angels must hate their jobs sometimes.

 
Posted by Joyfulsoul (# 4652) on :
 
Tomb in hell:
quote:
Oh, I know all right. It's when you eschew the participal for the rhetorical flick-of-the knife that is the gerund that you feel, deep down, that you have arrived, grammatically.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
AdamPater, in a very silly moment:
quote:
There's a cloud outside. I hate that.

At least there's always a rainbow within.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Shareman, on a Hell thread:
quote:
[He] made the Baby Jesus cry, and it woke me up, so I was pissed off.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Nobody does it like RooK:

quote:
You lot have all the self control of a lonely dog with peanut butter on its penis.

 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
Pyx_e: "The cross will bite them all on the ass at some point."

If ever I move to England, I want him as pastor.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
People with interregnums (cough, cough) please note - if you invite Pyx_e to be your new vicar you might end up being saddled with Kenwritez as well..... [Biased]
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
(Luckily, I'm the same IRL as I am on the board.)For those clergy trying to increase membership, I can walk into the church and instantly double the size of the congregation.
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Reading this thread made me sorry that I never maintained a quotes file of my own - I've often laughed aloud at many Ship discussions.

This quote is "ancient" but so hilarious that I've never forgotten. It was on a thread in Mystery Worship about vestments, where someone asked the use for a maniple.

Joan the Dwarf replied that it was "to flick the crumbs away while saying, 'if Jesus can get in, then he can get out.'"

I also well recall dyfrig's telling a heated Ship mate "I think Erin is an insane bitch, but I shall happily watch while she eats you."
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh, an Erinism from years past, aimed at Intellect By Proxy, if I remember correctly:

"I can't do it. I can't flame a guy who publically admits he's got a tiny talliwhacker."
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by vascopyjama:
Well that's me in a nutshell. (I wonder if Julian of Norwich ever said that??)


 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
From Triple Tiara ('valid form of bigotry' thread in Hell)"

quote:
Quod scripsi scripsi , or, since i am a fuckwit, quod fuxi fuxi

 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
IngoB on a current Hell thread:

Andreas, my link wasn't about giving you an opportunity to strut your philosophical and intellectual credentials. It was about demonstrating to you the sort of suffering you inflict on others. If you enjoyed that text, it has mainfestly failed its purpose.
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
From RooK, apon closing the TICTH thread. ( [Waterworks] )

Thread closed. Please don't start another one of these for a little while, lest I feel compelled to hunt you down and force feed you live porcupines through your eyeballs

kinda makes you think twice before arguing.
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Firenze, replying to a post (Teenage Embarrassment, Heaven) about Duck's mother placing a condom on a bicycle pump:


quote:
How can I break it to you? This doesn't stop babies.

Unless, of course, it is some sort of primitive marital aid. When I were a lad, we didn't have no Ann Summers shops doing they crotchless panties and vibrating thingies. We 'ad to make do with a pound of tripe and a bicycle pump.

[Killing me]

I must say, reading through this thread (and so wishing I'd kept a file!), of those immortalised here the absolute best has to be Duo Seraphim's retort about how Martin's posts shall be revealed as a code regarding a secret of Fatima. But I also shall remember 'quod fuxi, fuxi' till my dying day.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
I look forward to the publication of your book of quotable quotes, with suitable attribution of course! [Two face]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ok, not a ship quote, but excellent sig potential:

quote:
I'm going to Hell because I'm a fuck up.
--some guy Kelly interns with, after he fucked up.
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Not a ship quote but from the sermon today.

"When you're up to your tucus in cobras, you don't really have time to indulge in hermeneutical reflection."
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Though I prefer to stay with Ship quotes, since the last two were not, I'll feel free to insert a 'non Ship' one (though it might not have the full impact for the young members as it would for those of my generation.)

This from a friend from Kerry (and uttered completely seriously) :

quote:
It's not easy being Irish, Elizabeth. I'm afraid I'm going to go to hell, and I don't even believe in God.

 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
A year or so ago, one Ship mate (troll) was rambling a good deal, justifying everything on the basis of that he'd been a Roman priest, worked in the Vatican's congregation for the doctrine of the faith, then left to pursue this, this, and this...

I'm not positive, but I think it was Ian who made this response that made me fall off my chair. When said troll rambled, a bit incoherently, about a doctrine he'd misunderstood (or words to that effect), Ian responded: "It is a shame you did not ask Cardinal Ratzinger about that when you were still working at the Vatican."
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
From Spiffy, on "how do you pray?"

quote:
"Fer crying out loud! Jesus, I can tell you're an only child, you're always bothering me until you get your own way!"


 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
From RuthW down in Hell:

quote:
US politics is a vile, nasty contest between two groups of wealthy, over-privileged people about whether the rest of us will be ground to a pulp beneath a jackboot or a hiking boot.

 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
From Janine in All Saints:

quote:
English is like Jazz. You don't have to know all the details of the Correct Classical Way to improvise a really good riff.

 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
From AdamPater:

quote:
Did Jesus say anything about handling willies anywhere though? Apart from loving your neighbour as you love yourself, of course.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Whether or not the target deserved this, what a great line from Josephine:

quote:
But parking a bicycle in on the floor a Ferari dealership would hardly make the bicycle a Ferari, now would it?

Didn't think so.


 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
I do think we should imortalise

quote:
DORK in a rose unitard
from Merteger's interpretative dance in hell. The whole post is a classic - but this is also the perfect insult.
 
Posted by LynnMagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From Kelly Alves in the Circus:
quote:
In Jesus's eyes we are all Gina Lolabrigida.
Italian beauties. Every durn one of us.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I'll probably spend a substantial amount of time in Purgatory for finding this funny, but here you go, from Zappa:
quote:
Boy, does the baby Jesus Cry. And his daddy-o. And Spook.


 
Posted by Linguo (# 7220) on :
 
From Karl: Liberal Backslider, in the 'Too busy to church?' Purg thread:

quote:
Of course, some broken people prefer not to shout "I'm broken" in front of other people they don't know well, who may appear to resemble rather closely the people who broke them in the first place.

 
Posted by Hennah (# 9541) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I'll probably spend a substantial amount of time in Purgatory for finding this funny, but here you go, from Zappa:
quote:
Boy, does the baby Jesus Cry. And his daddy-o. And Spook.


Right there with you, Kelly...
 
Posted by sparkly_h (# 7997) on :
 
Doc Tor wrote in hell:

quote:
Do you actually read for comprehension or does the little god in your head just make up the answers for you?


 
Posted by Catrine (# 9811) on :
 
I like this one from AF Steve (Heaven; whoever thought of that?)

Mushrooms. "Hey ma, there's some strange things growing on this turd over here. What should I do?" "Why Jr, Just pluck them and I'll add them to my beef roast!"
 
Posted by 103 (One-O-Three) (# 5846) on :
 
The sacred feminine (Moo)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Big Grin] That would be Famous Last Posts, darlin'.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This is as nice a synopsis of the human condition as I'v eseen in a long time-- from Lyda Rose--
quote:
I think various things happen to people who were scapegoats or scapegoaters in childhood. Some get the "I'm a goat" sign stuck on their back, and unhappily figure that that's life, while some scapegoaters figure putting people down in a great life strategy and live boring, rotten little lives. Others grow up to stick a sign on the front of their shirts that says, "I'm a goat. Fuck you boring sheep." Some of the scapegoaters grow up to think, "Hell. I can't believe I wasted my time on the sheep." I tend to look for people of these two positions now that I've socialized myself out of being goat or scapegoater. And as many of us have, I've been both to a certain degree.


 
Posted by Niënna (# 4652) on :
 
Oooh! I was just about post the same one.

Brilliant, Lyda*Rose!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The two most frustrating things about Pyx_e is (1.) he's married and (2.) he's not my pastor.

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:(in reference to the implications of a Chocolate Crucifix)
If it were made out of Fruit & Nut chocolate it would be a perfect representation of the Body of Christ.

P


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Kelly is so right about RooK. As his "gift" to Max/103 for his reception, this from the Hell file is worth preserving.

quote:
Oh please. Max./103/Henrietta so squats when she pees.

 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
From Daisymae on the Da Vinci Code board, in the Mary Magdalene thread.
quote:
Right through history, there are many women who have been real human beings.
Heh.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
And how about this rueful bit of self-awareness from SteveTom, on the Kerygmania thread on the New Testament, when he got support for a self-proclaimed "health-warning-necessary" minority view.

quote:
Even when I'm warning people that I'm talking rubbish, I'm talking rubbish.

 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
A good day for memorable quotes - here's a beauty from Leetle Masha, in honour of her much beloved and respected spiritual director. At the end of a post on the Catholic Liturgiolatry thread


quote:
Leetle M.
Whose spiritual father of eternal memory said once, "We don't need no steenkin' High Church...we are all High Church and when we get to heaven, we shall be Higher Still."


 
Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
From one of the Ship Goddesses:

quote:
Presleyterian:
Getting a bauble is nice. Knowing one can get get oneself whatever baubles one wants is much, much nicer.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
I swear to God, one of these days there's going to be a "365 Days of Spiffy" calendar, because the girl posts so many brilliant quotable quotes. Today's beauty is:

quote:
Hippie, for those who have never encountered the scent, smells like sandalwood and ass.
--Mamacita, from the hippie era, but smelling nicer.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Back again. This one from Presleyterian, in Hell:

quote:
Because if someone professes to believe in the incarnation, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, you pretty much ought to accept them as brothers and sisters in Christ and leave the actual act of discerning and judging their faith to God.
Damn, that's good.
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
On the Heaven thread about books, there were two delicious comments related to James Joyce's Ulysses.

In response to Angelica's question of "is there any point to Ulysses at all?," I loved Dubitante's

Any point to 'Ulysses'? Of course, it's to show off about when you're an English undergraduate. "You know, I so get that book..."

Better still, when Karl mentioned "Ulysses, which is like reading a Swahili phone book for all the sense I can make of it," I laughed aloud at Steve R's "That's quite unfair to the Swahili phone book."

I agree with Kelly that Pyx_e's comment about fruit and nuts was a gem!
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
The thread in Heaven about books is just too delightful... And this exchange is certainly worthy of preservation for posterity.

Rainbow Kate:
D.H. Lawrence and James Joyce both seem so utterly wrapped up in their own sexually repressed narcissism that I wanted to vomit. They'd both have been better off getting laid more often and writing a damn sight less.

Comet Chaser's response:
Wouldn't we all?
 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
From the Heaven thread on Marriage and Babies,
posted by Always Waiting:


Ah, the shelf. It has hovered in front of me for some years now. Not so much immediately threatening as looming in the not-so-distant future, like a very large mountain at the end of a long, flat road. I can see it coming. It seems to be aiming for me.

My only consolation is that, by the sounds of it, there are several of us up there, so we can have a few drinks and a good time, and end up throwing things off the shelf onto the heads of the couples on the dance floor below us.
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
On the Doctor Who thread in Heaven, from Callan:

-----------------

Honestly, he's supposed to be an enigmatic wanderer in space and time who fights evil, not a taxi service for amoral narcissists.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From the demons thread, by Jerry Boam, regarding people who misclassify epilepsy as demon possession:

quote:
In terms that such persons might understand: you are afflicted by a spirit of stupidity and a spirit of cruelty. Go look in the mirror and rebuke what you see.


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
From craigb's call to hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Callan:
The Prayer Book. Keeping Nyarlathotep at bay since 1662.


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by tomb:
Yeah, I used to send PMs to SoF assholes threatening to ban them and signed the messages, "In Christ's Love."

I once had a charismatic curate write me a "letter of rebuke" (as he termed it) that ended with the valediction "under the Blood."

Meditation on that phrase raised New Possibilities of Creative Expression for me. If I ever show up on CNN because of an axe murder, it will be because of the clergy.

I read this at work and ending up slapping myself, it was so funny. I then thought of some clergyperson calling somebody a compost heap and signing "washed in the blood" and other such nonsense...then I peed myself and cried.

Darn you tomb. Darn you to heck.

[eta: swear words omitting because of personl hang up]

[ 28. April 2006, 00:45: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
From da Spiff (waxing philosophic in Hell):
quote:
Just 'cause you don't got a set of balls to sit on don't mean that the rest of us are passive-aggressive wusses whose spines, in a medical engineering feat, have been replaced with boiled spaghetti noodles, and whose brains have been replaced with a voice recorder that spouts useless platitudes and misogynistic opinions whenever your knee jerks.
[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]
 
Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Corpus Cani, in that thread about finding the love of your life:
quote:
It's better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all, but it's a damned sight worse to have loved and lost and know that it's your own dumb-ass fault that you've thrown away a most precious gift.
[Frown]
 
Posted by Niënna (# 4652) on :
 
This was a lovely gem from Barnabus:
quote:
I'm well up for God speaking through people outside the church. The biblical limit appears to be Balaam's ass. That should give all of us pause for thought.



[ 30. April 2006, 07:38: Message edited by: Niënna ]
 
Posted by Hazey*Jane (# 8754) on :
 
Spiffy's at it again:
quote:
You know, I finally figured it out!

A summary of this thread:

Craigb: yo' momma!
J: You're a dick.
Craigb: I didn't mean yo' momma, I meant yo'momma.
Everyone: That's the same thing!
Craigb: It is not! God told me so! And he said yo'momma!
Everyone: You're a idiot.
Craigb: But God Said!
Everyone: What to the power of ever.

That last line was class [Smile]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Yeah, I think I might find myself throwing "what to the power of ever" into my regular conversations from now on. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Louise, commenting on craigb's ministry:
quote:

it's like finding a coelacanth in the garden pond


 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
From A Feminine Force in Purg:

quote:
Are people selfish to have kids if they know they stand a 50% chance of becoming a statistic?
This just cracks me up!

Comet

(edited to clarify: what's funny is the "50% chance of becoming a statistic" part, not the very serious discussion it was a part of)

[ 10. May 2006, 03:27: Message edited by: cometchaser ]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
"my farts are more coherent than your ramblings."
(Spiffy da Wonder Sheep)

What a wonderful oneupmanship sig. that would make.
 
Posted by Papio (# 4201) on :
 
"I can assure that True Christians will sing anything so long as it hasn't got a good beat and you can't dance to it."

from Trudy Trudy (I say unto you)
 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
Thanks Papio! My second time in the Quotes File ... I still get excited!
 
Posted by Corpus cani (# 1663) on :
 
Pasco, on dealing with laundry stains...

Back at home, we seem to have a third time lucky mentality. "One day I'll beat ya, sonova bleach."

Cc
 
Posted by Corpus cani (# 1663) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Papa Smurf:
Corpus Cani, in that thread about finding the love of your life:
quote:
It's better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all, but it's a damned sight worse to have loved and lost and know that it's your own dumb-ass fault that you've thrown away a most precious gift.
[Frown]
Ooh! Just noticed this!

Thanks Pop. I'm in the Quotes File! [Big Grin]

The quote is tragically true to this day, but I live in hope that she might return from whichever end of the earth she sought to escape me. She married a sheep farmer.

Corpus.
(I blame Spiffy. For everything. Ever.)
 
Posted by Hazey*Jane (# 8754) on :
 
Karl LB on the advantages of life in the UK
quote:
One of the things I love about this country is that neither the wildlife nor the weather tends towards the homicidal.

 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Corpus cani:

(I blame Spiffy. For everything. Ever.)

I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything!
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
Apprentice 'in the garden', from her 'proud to be a canadian" thread in Purg:

quote:
last time I tried to hear Jerry Falwell speak, I could swear I felt Christ's fingers in my ears and heard him going "lalalalalalalalala"
[Big Grin] she's fun!

Comet
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
WIthno disresect to Neil, I just thought this was a really funny post:

(From Karl: Liberal Backslider
quote:
Neil, for goodness sake. I've got AS and I could see that that post wasn't literal, except of course that it was. [Smile]

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Another Spiffleism:
quote:
Sorry, Marton, the position of ADD Poster Child has already been --- OOH! SHINY!

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
She thinks she's so damn smart.

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
Honey, I'm a free-agent bitch, thank you very much.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
And just to break things up:

"... all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another."



John Donne,

"Devotions upon Emergent Occasions" (1623),

XVII: Nunc Lento Sonitu Dic*nt,Morieris.
 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
I dunno, Kelly, I don't think that last one was quite as snappy as the others you quoted.
 
Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
This just struck me as funny:
quote:
There are those who would agree with you. Most of them are getting help in psychiatric hospitals.
(Schroedinger's Cat on the "Superfool" thread in Hell.)
 
Posted by samara (# 9932) on :
 
mr cheesy on the "Iran to mandate" thread:
quote:

In the name of all that is holy, I disown you and all your pathetic opinions.

Yup, that sums up my feeling for a lot of posts.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Spiffy rocks - and is on a fantastic roll! Here she is on being encouraged to participate in cat food (dont ask).

quote:
Fifteen pounds of fur and claws would take their exception to my presumption out on the more tender bits of my anatomy.

 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
She thinks she's so damn smart.

It's this thread, it inflates my ego. [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by kentishmaid (# 4767) on :
 
I know this is ludicrously vain, but I'm inordinately proud of this one. When I was sending those first, tentative, flirtatious emails to my now husband, I excused myself by explaining that I was 'merely a Freudian slip of a girl'.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Check the fist page or so of the thread, kentishmaid, I quoted myself about four or five times. Becuse the people around here just don't appreciate Real Brillince.

Speaking of which-- this gem by Kenwritez needs to be worked into the Ship mission statement somewhere...

quote:
Most times I'm full up to here (gestures) with all the round-robin bullshit bickering I see on the Ship. The same arguments. The same invincible ignorance. More of the same assholes, just with different names. Like trying to corral a roomful of methamphetamine addicts with rage control issues. How Erin and the admins have survived this long without climbing a tower and shooting people is a miracle, a testimony to God's grace, strict gun laws, and the power of self-medication.


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
quote:

Go forth... multiply, you sad little creatures.

AdamPater
Heavenly Host
quote:

(Giving his reluctant blessing to the dating thread.)

[ 25. May 2006, 04:21: Message edited by: infinite_monkey ]
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
I used 'What to the power of ever' to Hugal last night and he likes it. I did, of course, remember to attribute it to the Spiffmeister. [Overused]

(I was watching Queer Eye at the time, and just thought it was a very Carsonesque phrase.)
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
I really like IngoB's current tag line:
quote:
Before you explain your new theological idea, let me tell you three things about it: One. It was already propounded by a fifth-century Syrian monk. Two. He expressed himself better than you will. Three. He was wrong. - Jaroslav Pelikan

 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
I love IngoB's sig too!
 
Posted by PeteCanada (# 10422) on :
 
Rainbow Kate just posted this one!


quote:
I appreciate that you gave birth to me; any reason you didn't give me up for adoption?

 
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
From Callan on a now-deleted Styx Thread:

quote:
...is there some archive of queeny melodrama to which your post could be consigned in perpetuity? Comparing a tiff on an internet discussion board to our Lord's Passion is just a teensy bit OTT, don't you think?

 
Posted by noneen (# 11023) on :
 
i love this one by RoK in a hell thread, and haven't seen it quoted already:
quote:
Hark! The mating cry of the windbag.

 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
I rather liked this from Erin's statement on the Styx 'purpose of hell denied' thread:

quote:

the Ship's Offenderati

Kind of like a low rent illuminati throwing a hissy fit I imagine ...
 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
From Vikki Pollard on the Dating thread ... I particularly liked this image for the analogy at the end:

My Grandma once came home from shopping to see the hens staggering round sideways, clucking and falling over (sort of like the Toronto Blessing but with chickens).
 
Posted by Josephine (# 3899) on :
 
When Twilight said this (on the Heaven thread about why people post in Hell):

quote:
Hell simply gives some of us a place to go.
it just hit my funny bone.
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Dang! Josephine [Chief Bully and Queen of Hell] beat me to it.

[ 28. May 2006, 00:15: Message edited by: Campbellite ]
 
Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Gwai, in a thread about "Taking the Lord's Name in Vain":

quote:
Honestly what bugs me most is if I stub my toe and say "shit!" and then get told not to use my Lord's name in vain. Now of all things I am sure of, shit is not the name of my God.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This from Gordon Cheung-- just thought it ahs a certain flair:
quote:
...and not just Roman Catholicism, of course, but any variant of Orthodoxy, Protestantism or Whatsatubthumpianism that teaches such a view.

 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
Another Gordon Cheng, although it doesn't really work if you don't see the excerpt of Callan's post that he's replying to:

Call the paramedics over, Lennie. We're going to need about five commas here, right now.
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Erin
For I am the kindest, most generous power-that-be ever.

I dursnt make further comment ...
 
Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
From Posy, on Superfool's "Bush is Gay" thread in Purg, commenting on the rights and wrongs of gay politicians legislating against gay marriage: (OK, the introduction's a bit lengthy, but the quote's well worth it)
quote:
Originally posted by Posy:
Isn't it on a par with a social smoker supporting a smoking ban? Although they enjoy the occasional fag, they are always planning to give up, and think that the ban will help them.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by icklejen (# 713) on :
 
in f1 thread in circus, fnk said "i don't think God wants Kimi to be world champion"


[Killing me] sad, but true. what a summary!
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Oh my! Another Rook-ism for posterity:

quote:
If the popular controversy had been about wearing kittens as earplugs, she would have worked that into something fuckheaded too.


 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
Erin's response is worth saving:
quote:
quote:
Originally posted by SuperFool:
Erin, you win. Your dick IS bigger than mine!

Well, that's what you get for being frugal. I mean, Good Vibrations has the Prince for only $30, spend a little money! You're worth it.
I blew coffee on my computer. The boss will be so upset. ( [Snigger] )

Comet
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Nice to know Erin supports the homegirls at GV, too)

And now, one of Tortuf's finer moments:
quote:
I think I ought to start a private board about getting along with one another. I'll call it the "Everybody Can Kiss My Ass" Board.

 
Posted by Papio (# 4201) on :
 
In his reply to me on the "Are You a Fascist?" poll, MonkeyLizard said:

quote:
OH NO! I was exposed to new ideas and they MADE ME THINK! [brick wall]

[Killing me]
 
Posted by DarkKnight (# 9415) on :
 
This from Callan deserves preservation not because it is funny, but because it is succinct and just plain right:

quote:
This proves, I think, that liberalism can best be defined as anything a conservative disapproves of.


 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
From the irrepressible RuthW in Hell:

quote:
It's so much nicer to be admired for one's faults than one's virtues.

 
Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Cymruambyth:
There are days in the summer when I think that 'Manitoba' is actally the Cree word for "Did you ever see so many mosquitoes in your life?"


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
A Pyx_e gem from the current raging Hell thread.

quote:
We are way past "white flag of surrender" land and are currently galloping through "foaming at the mouth" land with "doing 60mph in to a brick wall" land clearly insight.

I can't watch.


 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Foaming Draught, on a Circus thread about new beatitudes:

quote:
Blessèd are the wankers, for they shall have a lower incidence of prostate cancer.

 
Posted by fnk (# 10377) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by icklejen:
in f1 thread in circus, fnk said "i don't think God wants Kimi to be world champion"

[Killing me] sad, but true. what a summary!

Oh wow! My first quotable quote [Smile] Thanks icklejen.
 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Rosamundi's story:
quote:
Easter Saturday Vigil Mass, in a convent chapel, very quiet, very peaceful, very beautiful. I was sat behind someone who appeared to be auditioning for a new Harry Enfield character, "I'm considerably holier than thou." Chapel veil, scapular the size of a small tablecloth, very ostentatious devotions before Mass.

Just into the first reading, her mobile phone rang, incredibly loudly, with possibly the most inappropriate ringtone ever, not quite "Bring your daughter to the slaughter," but close. And, of course, the wretched thing was buried at the bottom of her bag, so it took forever to find it, and I nearly ruptured something trying not to laugh whilst Reverend Mother glared daggers from the front.


"I'm considerably holier than thou." [Killing me]
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
A fabulous exchange from the Eccles Corpus Christi thread.

quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
quote:
Originally posted by John H:

(Though as a good Lutheran, I should point out that I believe the Lord gives us his body and blood to eat and drink, not to parade around the streets.</end polemic> [Smile] )

He does indeed, but there's nothing wrong with publicising the menu of a place where a good meal can be had.

 
Posted by Jon-with-no-h (# 11506) on :
 
I haven't been here long enough to collect such gems, but my favorite from an emai list I'm on: "If you're going to live in fear, at least learn to spell."
 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
On the Photos of Shipmates thread, from Cosmo and Wannabe Heretic.


Wannabe Heretic: plenty of lovely lasses there who could do with a guy who doesn’t beat around the bush.

Cosmo: Is that another fetish or merely the crie de coeur of hideous experience?

Wannabe Heretic: Oh dear. It did cross my mind 'somebody might choose to think of a filthy interpretation' but then I thought, oh no, these are good clean-minded christian folks.

Cosmo: I'm only glad to provide a service. Serve, serve, serve; it's all I do.

[ 17. June 2006, 09:30: Message edited by: FreeJack ]
 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
[Killing me] Thank you FreeJack (and Cosmo) I would have missed that one.
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Kenwritez posted this gem in Purgatory today, in response to a new Ship mate who had outlined a "Jesus good, Old Testament Bad," etc., approach to Christianity:

quote:

Jesus good
Me cheating on my wife because my inner Jesus wants to bang the waitress, bad. If Mrs KW finds out? Very, VERY bad.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Pure as the Driven Yellow Snow (# 9397) on :
 
The cheesemeister on Chesterton,

quote:
To him, Christianity wasn't a chore and a strain - it was something that illuminated his whole being, bringing laughter and joy and hope. In an age where Christianity is more akin to constipation than laughter, we desperately need more like him.


 
Posted by samara (# 9932) on :
 
From the TICTH thread, this exchange must be preserved:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
quote:
Originally posted by Mousethief:
Do we have some boundary issues?

I do but they're towards the bottom of page two (legal) on my Issues List.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
If Sine decided to join in "Let's [not] offend", he'd kick all our asses up, down, and sideways.
 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
At last a definition of MOTR.

quote:
Originally posted by Saint Bertolin:
I more meant that MOTR places will have crucifers instead of the other servers if there's a shortage, whereas traditionally, the Crucifer is the least necessary for Carthlick ceremonial and in many places, was only carted out on biggies.

quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:
Excellent, thank you Saint Bertolin, I've recently been wondering if my calling St. Z "MOTR" was accurate -- you have confirmed that I'm spot on, and we are so precisely MOTR that the line-painter coming down the middle of the road can judge his accuracy by us.


 
Posted by Nonpropheteer (# 5053) on :
 
quote:
originally posted by Ken:
It is a a heap of absurd philological speculations strung together with completely invalid logical leaps and leavened with schoolboy howlers that would fail an A-level history exam. <snip> You'd be better informed if you examined fetid dingos kidneys.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(avert your eyes if you are faint-hearted)

Max gets slipped a Mickey, and Janine makes her support more "Hellish":
quote:
Yah, yaaaah, ye stupid wad of dried-up snot on a mildewed used tampon suspended between the buttocks of a particularly unclean hyena!

Whatever you thought you were pulling, spiking that juice, you failed!

You didn't harm the young man in the end, so your inept attempt at (*koff*) "humor" blew up, which is about what's expected when the "joke" is put together by someone with the care, skill, brains and foresight of a castrated Chihuahua on Viagra!

And -- you vile oozing gangrenous pustule of a sub-human -- if your goal had been to "have" the young lady, you failed there, as well! Hah! I bet you couldn't get laid if you were the only man stranded on a resort casino island hosting a Hooker's Convention, a Nymphomaniac's Retreat and a Sex Therapy Seminar for Middle-Aged Horny Women


 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Ken has a tendency to have me rolling on the floor screaming, as with this recent exchange in Ecclesiantics.

To the question by Divine Outlaw Dwarf:
"And what on God's earth are 'dudes' and 'chicks'?"

Ken responded:
A blatant example of the tendency of "youth workers" who try to fake the language of teenagers to get it horribly wrong.

Everyone who tries to commit an act of church youth-work should be forced to watch the episode of Father Ted with that caravan and small and far away in it. At least six times.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Callan (# 525) on :
 
This from Presleyterian:

quote:
The bad news is that Janine just quoted a political statement made by a movie star that appeared in a magazine read only in the dentist's office. The good news is that she reminded me of a great mascara tip I read in Isaiah Berlin's column in Cosmo.

 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
From A.F Steve:

quote:
Don't think for a minute that you are going to get under my skin and start a childish word-war with me; opinions this fundamental are not changed because liberal weiners and right-wing nut-jobs have juvenile flamewars over the wire, or wave around giant fly-swatters in parades.

 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
I'm an Anglican. I don't nail my colours to the mast. I pin them to the noticeboard.

Which no-one reads.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
It all depends on how you look at things.

Regarding the humble moose, on the "Emotional Responses" thread:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Existential dread

I look at that towering, ugly head, those blank, yellow eyes and I realise the universe is a sick joke by a mad god, our lives a meaningless scribble across an indifferent chaos.


quote:
Originally posted by Nonpropheteer:


adoration

I look at that towering, noble head, those golden yellow eyes so full of life and raw power, and I realise the universe is a diverse creation by a loving God, and our lives indescribingly enriched by thoughtful narration that is Moose.



[ 09. July 2006, 16:03: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
I shall admit I always look forward to contributions by Divine Outlaw-Dwarf, but this one (related to Catholic and Evangelical camps in the C of E) was particularly spot on:

quote:
I'm well aware of A-Cs who regard Protestants in much the same way Pooh Bear views Heffalumps; they're not actually sure what they are but they know they don't like them.

 
Posted by MSHB (# 9228) on :
 
quote:
Kelly Alves in Emotional Responses:
I just want a moose to really, really like me.



[ 10. July 2006, 03:23: Message edited by: MSHB ]
 
Posted by Crackers & Goat Cheese (# 8783) on :
 
Kelly Alves, after swallowing a fly while pleading that her previous post in "Today I consign to Hell" be included in the Quotes file:

"coughquotesfilecough cough"

[ 16. July 2006, 01:26: Message edited by: Crackers & Goat Cheese ]
 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
quote:
posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
She thinks she's so damn smart.

It's this thread, it inflates my ego. [Hot and Hormonal]
I find the thread a good letter-out of head steam, actually.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Crackers & Goat Cheese:
Kelly Alves, after swallowing a fly while pleading that her previous post in "Today I consign to Hell" be included in the Quotes file:

"coughquotesfilecough cough"

Wiseguy.

This was the brilliant quote that nobody saw fit to immoralize. (Sigh.) In response to Nonpropheteer asking how big my foot is:

quote:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Big enough to kick ass, and small enough to fit up many. Where does the line start?




[ 16. July 2006, 04:41: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
From ther ship-of-fools' classics collection

Tomb sniffs at one of Kenwritez's marinade recipies on "Ewgh", the original cannibal thread to be found in Limbo:
quote:
That is one of the most disgusting recipes for a marinade I have ever read, Ken. Shoot, I wouldn't soak a dead man's dick in something so foul.



 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
O man, I'd forgotten how funny we could be! [Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
A real keeper, from the film The Big Kahuna: Phil Cooper (Danny Devito)insructs an overzealous young Christian on character:

Phil: The question is, do you have any character at all? And if you want my honest opinion, Bob, you do not. For the simple reason that you don't regret anything yet.

Bob: Are you saying I won't have any character unless I do something I regret?

Phil: No, Bob. I'm saying you've already done plenty of things to regret. You just don't know what they are. It's when you discover them. When you see the folly in something you've done. And you wish you had to do over. But you know you can't because it's too late. So you pick that thing up and you carry it with you. To remind you that life goes on. The world will spin without you. You really don't matter in the end. Then will you attain character. Because honesty will reach out from inside and tattoo itself all across your face.
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
TBK should be shown to every high school and college church group. IMNSVHO.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I NSH-ly totally agree.
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
Freak my biscuit.

What movie should be on IFC tonight when I was channel surfing?

TBK

What part of the movie's dialogue should be featured in the last act of the movie?

Kelly's quoted lines.

Freak two of my biscuits.

The movie was even better than I remembered it. DeVito, Spacey and the kid did an incredible job of holding your interest in shot after shot that happened in one hotel room.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Yeah, it had been on earlier that evening in IFC [Big Grin] )
 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
quote:
I think I probably am the most Conservative, Liberal, Catholic Protestant on the planet. I like to think it's because God and I have an understanding about these things. He deals with the nasty, difficult ideas. I deal with the pretty outfits. [Big Grin]
From Corpus cani on the Christian Zionism thread.

[On reflection, the whole sentence is worth it]

[ 21. July 2006, 13:07: Message edited by: Ann ]
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
from Ken in Hell:

quote:
I think Myrrh must have been snorting powdered trollshit
[Killing me]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Sir Kevin, in the Circus, about over-testosteroned cyclist Floyd Landis:
quote:

Say it isn't so! Maybe he was just thinking about girls...


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
From Purg's "Is Flying Sinful?"

quote:
Originally posted by MSHB:
Would make a great saying: "Just think: someone, somewhere in the world, thinks that what you are doing right now is a sin."


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
From the rude Hellhosts thread, a RooK special.

I am low and vulgar, and Marv is enthusiastically rude, but Sarky is truly gifted in the art of being nasty.
 
Posted by Ags (# 204) on :
 
And the inimitable Marvin here

quote:
I got an idea. How 'bout you go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut, and leave us to worry about which threads should and shouldn't stay open. OK?
[Overused]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
On a thread in Heaven, where riverfalls was writing of having seen a unicorn and a flying saucer and having had contact with faeries, Ariel's response had me rolling on the floor:

quote:
Don't talk to me about unicorns and flying saucers. Blasted unicorns keep ruining my garden trampling all over it and eating the herbaceous borders, and last week I had a flying saucer land at midnight in the back of it, three little green men got out, clearly very drunk, left a seriously dodgy crop circle in the grass and woozed off again giggling like anything. I'm sick of it and so are the flower fairies, they're thinking of going on strike if any more of the herbaceous border is eaten.

 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Bubblepack

God hits you in the guts and tickles your fancy, rarely shows interest in your brain.

Sounds like a dodgy lover ...
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
From Mad Geo on the Breasts thread in Hell:

quote:
Too bad you Brits didn't kill off the Puritans when you had the chance. Because the fuckers drive us crazy over here.
A truer thing was never said!

[ 05. August 2006, 01:01: Message edited by: cometchaser ]
 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
Cometchaser on the breast thread:

quote:

you got a problem with your man checking out boobs, go after Cosmo.

Comet

Whoops! eta: Cosmo the magazine, not the shipmate! [Hot and Hormonal]


 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
I particularly enjoyed that being quoted with the smiley written out like that. Good stuff. [Razz]

From churchgeek, in the Ecclesiantics thread about changing churches:

"Is it about integrity? (or its pale imitation, purity?)"
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ok, again not a Ship quote, but such great sig potential thought I should run it past y'all:

quote:
My friend Tanner she says, "You know me and Jesus/We're of the same heart
The only thing that keeps us distant
Is that I keep fuckin' up"

--From the song Shame on You, Indigo Girls
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
From our wonderful multipara, on a Purgatory thread about why Roman Catholics do not swim the Thames (...even though I did so!) [Smile]

quote:
...the barque of St Peter is big enough for all of us from Octopus Dei to Ecclesia Dei to the geetar brigade. One of the risks of uniformity of belief/ritual/dress etc is to turn any church into a sect, and a potentially nasty one at that.

 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by FreeJack:
Cometchaser on the breast thread:

quote:

you got a problem with your man checking out boobs, go after Cosmo.

Comet

Whoops! eta: Cosmo the magazine, not the shipmate! [Hot and Hormonal]


there I go being all hot and hormonal again!
[Roll Eyes] nice to be quoted though!
 
Posted by Eliab (# 9153) on :
 
Much as I disagree with the sentiment, I thought this was inspired:

quote:
mr cheesy on Orthodoxy:
Unfortunately when God was dishing out tact and humility you were away venerating something


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
When I read this, I snorted Coca Cola up my nose.

quote:
Originally posted by Nightlamp:
quote:
Originally posted by riverfalls:

We are a But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people;

Some are just a little more peculiar than others.


[ 08. August 2006, 20:56: Message edited by: Spiffy da WonderSheep ]
 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
If we're allowed the odd off-site quote ...

We're broadening our sights; and by broadening, I mean lowering.
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
This is truly bizarre but sort of amusing watching people argue that black is in fact white and anyone that says different is going to cause complete and total destruction of colours.
Chive on Mudfrog's suicide dive in hell.
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
Laura on the current Republicans in power:
quote:
Their devotion to increasing the power and reach of big governnment makes FDR look like a piker and their current operating strategy of burning money in an open field makes my Republican relatives apoplectic.
[Overused]
While I bailed on the party awhile back, this certainly sums up where the GOP are falling on their face nowadays.
 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
Yeah, we probably are allowed the occasional off-site quote.

"There will never be a winner in the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraterniing with the enemy." -- Henry Kissinger
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Amoyra's parting words at the Montgomery Steet BART station, as he faced long (well, long enough) walk alone to his hostel in downtown San Francisco:

quote:
If I don't post for two or three days, avenge my death.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lord of all Llamas:
If you cultivate compassion, there's not much room for being a serial killer, an absent parent, or a raging fundamentalist.

-LS


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Because somebody was feeling negelcted...

Classic Sig Line from Kenwritez:
quote:
Don't piss me off! I'm on Atkins and I'd kill you just for the protein


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ann:
If we're allowed the odd off-site quote ...


(My personal justification for doing so is that it provides sig material for those who are undecided sig-wise.)

[ 13. August 2006, 20:04: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
From Rewboss in the Parish Magazine thread in Hell:

quote:
The other reason for having a newsletter is that if you allow the Sunday School, the Church Council, the Wednesday Wives and all the other groups to submit their interminable reports to the parish magazine instead of reading them out at church while everyone's Sunday joints slowly transform into charcoal in the oven, the newsletter may be dire, but it will be of invaluable service to the community as a whole.

 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
Thanks, Kel. [Smile]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
There are so many clever, witty lines on the current "Is Bush Churchill?" thread in Purgatory that I'm tempted to quote at least seven - but, for the moment, I'll confine my quote to that of Mousethief:

* One was a great man; the other is a great joke.
* One led his country to victory over a formidable foe; the other is leading his country to ruin for his fundraising friends.
* One was wise; the other is a fool.
* One was a great orator; the other is an embarassment every time he opens his mouth.
* One wrote many very well-crafted books; the other can barely read.
* One had a great vision for his country; the other has a great vision for his supporters.
* One was a wit; the other is a shit.

Sorry, just can't see the comparison.

[Killing me] [Overused]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Couldn't resist - Alan's response to my post on the Bush and Churchill thread had me on the floor.

quote:
Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
quote:
Originally posted by Newman's Own:
I doubt that Dubya has ever heard of the Norman Conquest.

Wasn't that when Stormin' Norman conquered the Iraqi army occupy Kuwait?

 
Posted by samara (# 9932) on :
 
On the Hell thread, Callan points out why "Jesus wasn't uncertain!" doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong to be.*
quote:

Er, Jesus was the Son of God, begotten of the Father before all worlds, light of light, very God of very God, of one substance with the Father, all that jazz. You, on the other hand, are just some guy arguing the toss on a discussion board. It could be argued, therefore, that the analogy is not an exact one.

*'Ware the negatives! But I think that comes out right.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Found it sigworthy,thought I should preserve it here:

From Amazing Grace:
quote:
God is big, God can deal. God often surprises us.


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Mousethief, after a little Marvin butt-kissing:

Like Marvin, Myrrh always types in words made of letters I recognize.


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Yet another RooK special.

I am the very definition of kindness and light hereabouts. If you find anyone kinder or purer than I on this board, I'll kill them with my own bare hands.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
And this corker from Pyx_e, from the same thread.

Mire, I am a happily married man, of course I don't have sex. Your excuse?
 
Posted by Izzybee (# 10931) on :
 
A gem from Alan Cresswell in purgatory:

Now, where are you in the body of Christ? Because at the moment you're looking an awful lot like the arse-hole.

Ten points for making diet coke come out of my nose...
 
Posted by Izzybee (# 10931) on :
 
Oops - a correction - make that "Alan Cresswell posting in Hell".

You'd think I'd remember over the space of thirty seconds what board I was reading...
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
... we don't have to go too far back in history to when castrati were all the rage in church choirs! Did that make their voices a cut above the rest?

[Killing me]
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
I believe this one was from the "No Holidays Please, We're Americans" thread in Purg. I thought it was very insightful.

quote:
A Feminine Force wrote:
I think this is Work Camp America. We can't see the guard towers because they look like banks, can't see the barbed wire because they look like gated communities, and can't see the german shepherds because they look like shiny new SUVs.


 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
From Mousethief:
quote:
Further the Revelation is John of Patmos' acid dream and hardly a good source for historical information about the man Jesus of Nazareth.

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
SteveTom, on the Oscar Romero thread in Purg:
quote:
Mixing politics and religion is like mixing love and sex.
I want to put that on a bumper sticker.
 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
From The Boondocks:

Riley Freeman, upon discovering that his idolized rap star is a fake, isn't particularly thuggish, and in fact might even be gay:

"It's like getting to Heaven and finding God smoking crack!"

...and Robert "Granddad" Freeman, expressing his not-very-positive opinion about the lifestyle of said idolized rapper:

"What the hell is 'Thuggin' Love'... Is that when you make love to your woman, then right before that special moment, you beat her upside the head, snatch her purse, and throw her down the stairs?!"
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
SteveTom:
quote:
Mixing politics and religion is like mixing love and sex.
SteveTom, is there anything you want to share with the rest of the class about your relationships?
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
From The Boondocks:

Riley Freeman, upon discovering that his idolized rap star is a fake, isn't particularly thuggish, and in fact might even be gay:

"It's like getting to Heaven and finding God smoking crack!"

...and Robert "Granddad" Freeman, expressing his not-very-positive opinion about the lifestyle of said idolized rapper:

"What the hell is 'Thuggin' Love'... Is that when you make love to your woman, then right before that special moment, you beat her upside the head, snatch her purse, and throw her down the stairs?!"

[Axe murder]

I love that comic.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Mad Geo on the Ouija thread:

Yes, weird shit happens, but if that weird shit happens than god's weird shit should be stronger.

Now that's good. My present top candidate for the 40th of the C of E 39 articles.
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
Have pinched Steve's as my sig on my church's website forum! Hope he doesn't charge royalties.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
This from the "You know you've grown up when ..." thread in Heaven.

quote:
Originally posted by Flausa:
You realize that it's not all about you. Sadly, some people never grow up.

That's now in my one-liner collection.
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Nicodemia in Purg, on the "Is God Given too much Credit?" thread:

quote:
But then one person's answered prayer may be another persons pile of shit!

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
And the one that followed it by Jack the Lass is pretty good too:

I think it's possible to cultivate a sense of thankfulness without seeing God behind every cornflake.

Isn't it interesting how there are some threads which just invite fabulous quotes?
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
The Coot explains sermon writing better than most seminaries:

Really, it's not that hard to give an edifying sermon. It doesn't have to be longer than 5 or 6 minutes. Tell the flock how they can apply the gospel of the day to their lives, that God loves them and exhort them to be more Christ-like.


 
Posted by Dee. (# 5681) on :
 
I Just love this one...Hope he is ok with me putting in in my sig

Everyone put down your preferred means of overdosing on dopamine, and get the hell off of this thread.

-RooK
 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
Zorro in Hell, explaining political theory:

quote:
Under democracy, the stupid people always win.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Figured this deserved a place in Ship Canon:
quote:
quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:


There is so much blatant and demonic bullshit implicit (and often explicit) in Jack Chick's world view that I think any link to his alleged writings should come with a health warning. [Mad]




 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
from Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by The Prophetess:
I had thought that the American taste for conspiracy theories was one rich, goopy soft drink we'd kept to ourselves.


 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Anselm ruminating on why it's a good thing he isn't God:

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Tefulchen climbs on the DILUTE! bandwagon:

quote:

What in the name of Dr. Bronner has your Noah's Ark question got to do with Rudyard Kipling?


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sorry, Teufelchen
[Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
And Kelly puts it all in perspective with this:
quote:
You know, A little rain may fall, we may sail though rough waters, but as long as we can still indulge in gratuitous dick jokes,there is life and hope...


 
Posted by eyeliner (# 4648) on :
 
On the 'WTF is the point of crane flies?' thread in hell...(I apologise for doing this but, you know, it made me giggle...Kelly will sympathise...)

Me: I find it hard to get too riled about a creature whose sole purpose in life is to gad about looking for sex.
Marvin the Martian: But creatures whose sole purpose is to gad about looking for sex, but who get fatally attracted to anything bright and shiny are a plague on our society!
Me: Whoops! Bugger. Sorry...
 
Posted by eyeliner (# 4648) on :
 
ken:

"As it doesn't say in the Book of Whatever, 'say not unto your children stupid things, for they shall believe you'..."
 
Posted by eyeliner (# 4648) on :
 
Bugger, I'm triple-posting.

Janine, on Tortuf's chess thread in Hell:
"If a Savior crucifies Himself alone in a forest, does anyone actually hear the Substitutionary Atonement?"
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
One thing I’m learning is whenever I go into ‘I deserve it’ mode I’m in very dangerous territory. All common sense goes right out the window. Particularly when I combine ‘I deserve it’ with that other popular favorite ‘After all, I’m going to be here a long time. - Sine in latest Eagle Swings thread

(This is a hard truth ... that means I have too many shoes and too many hair products...and too much make up and so on...)
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
I'm a collecter and preserver of RooK "oneline specials" and here, from a recent HellHost ruling is a real and well-aimed "special".

Please climb to some overhead power lines, gnaw through their casing, and die.
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Nope, just thought you should be better informed about the doings in your own country before you start comparing other people to Nazis. We'll let you know when we see brown-shirted, jack-booted thugs marching down the streets of American cities. Until then, perhaps you would care to study current affairs at home. -RuthW from Spot the difference thread in hell
 
Posted by Hazey*Jane (# 8754) on :
 
Chorister, on a thread in Purg about Non-Christians posting on the Ship:
quote:
Thank God this site is full of not-Christians, were-once-Christians, not-sure-Christians, not-yet-Christians, not-on-your-life-Christians as well as fully-signed-up-Christians. It is this mix which gives the ship its balance and unique flavour, and makes it worth visiting and contributing to time and time again.
Would make a good introduction to the boards, no?
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Telepath in What to wear to work thread in Heaven.
quote:
Happiness is a drawer full of well-fitting undies.

 
Posted by Chelley (# 11322) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Hazey*Jane:
Chorister, on a thread in Purg about Non-Christians posting on the Ship:
quote:
Thank God this site is full of not-Christians, were-once-Christians, not-sure-Christians, not-yet-Christians, not-on-your-life-Christians as well as fully-signed-up-Christians. It is this mix which gives the ship its balance and unique flavour, and makes it worth visiting and contributing to time and time again.
Would make a good introduction to the boards, no?
Amen to that! Or 'absolutely', for the nots/not yets and all that!
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
The Paranoid thread in circus is ripe with great quotes. here's jedijudy's latest inspired message:
quote:
Earwax sonata! I repeat! Earwax sonata! alpha one, beta one, Eisenhower.


[ 11. October 2006, 02:47: Message edited on a spaz of: cometchaser ]
 
Posted by PeteCanada (# 10422) on :
 
Ken, in Hell, wrote one of the most non-swearword-using putdowns I have ever read outside of John Diefenbaker in Hansard:

quote:
So you have chosen to promote the cause by acting out the role of a all-boys-together, arrogant, arse-licking, brain-dead-anglo-catholic, carping, elitist, exclusionist, faux-aesthete, gin-swilling, hole-in-a-corner, incense-swinging, irrelevancy-wallowing, irrelevant, lace-covered, misdirecting, misogynist, muck-racking, mud-slinging, obscurantist, obstructionist, out-of-touch, over-fastidious, port-and-lemon, precious, precisionist, purblind, sanctimonious, sectarian, sentimental, sky-high, sneering, supercilious, tat-fondling, Tory-party-at-prayer, whinging, whining, women-hating snob.


 
Posted by sharkshooter (# 1589) on :
 
and alphabetical, too!!
 
Posted by Callan (# 525) on :
 
Hey! Half a dozen of those aren't insults!
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Callan:
Hey! Half a dozen of those aren't insults!

Depends if one is the insulter or the insultee. [Biased]
 
Posted by 8bit Micro (# 10395) on :
 
RooK posting on the TICTH thread made the following statement that tickled me and I thought was worth preserving...

quote:
May a particularly sinister species of electric eel spontaneously evolve legs and migrate in the night to all your bedrooms and nest in your wobbly bits.
8.
 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Jimmy B's OP offers us an opportunity to post "profound bits" so here's a magnificent one uttered by Noneen on the Catechesis thread this morning:

quote:
We need to continually 'rekindle the amazement' - to swim in the wonder of the Incarnation, to dive deep into the truth that we are children of the Creator.
Mary
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Telepath
Flailing about trying to befriend Bangladeshi coffee-growing one-parent family whales before popping out for the afternoon to bring fairly-traded organic grapes to elderly prisoners in hospital is an excellent way to tick lots of items off your to-do list.


 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Spawn, in the "CU Forced to Rename" thread in Purg:
Conservative evangelicals unfortunately are very often the anoraks of the evangelical world - obsessed with the science of salvation, rather than the mystery of it.


 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Iole Nui
In the spirit of extreme boringness, I have to protest that I never stuck anything combustible up any cat's bottom, ever, not in my entire life.


 
Posted by chive (# 208) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by dyfrig:
Dammit, DOD, stop introducing nuance, thoughtfulness and complexity into things! What this country needs is strong, no-nonsense, clear cut prejudice which can be easily categorised without recourse to further consideration.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
That Teufelchen is a guy to watch:

quote:
I'm all for trying to defend the orthodoxy of Anglican bishops, but I'm in no hurry to get into a fight with the Abominable Strawman.


 
Posted by Jimmy B (# 220) on :
 
A fab little gem from Firenze:

"perpetually obliging hot tottie"

Would make a fantastic Ship title [Big Grin]

quote:
From her post on Mark Driscoll's article about pastor's wives:
There's all the rockstar babe-magnet stuff - which I don't doubt. Pastors/ministers have an in to people's lives, and swooning female congregants are nothing new in the history of the church. A bad consequence, IMFO, of male leadership. I don't know which is worse - celibacy, or this kind of snorting, dominant-male sexuality. And the peeved insistence that the payback for not succumbing to all this adulation, is a wife who is perpetually obliging hot tottie. In these circles I suspect she is also supposed to produce and rear a brood of children, be unpaid secretary, informal social worker - and smiling helpmeet at all times - without, for an instant, 'letting herself go'. Poor bitch.

The whole thing was fantastic really.
 
Posted by Ena (# 11545) on :
 
Someone posted this a little while back:

Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Baldrick: Yeah, it's just like goldy and bronzey but it's irony.

And this was from a Purg thread ages ago:
Maybe the only answer we really get to prayers is "I love you."
Sometimes it's hard to hear.

Sorry but I don't know who! Any claimers?
 
Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :
 
That was mine, actually... [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Perhaps only one who is devoutly C of E has the right to fall on the floor laughing at this quote - and I am one to exercise my rights freely.

the coiled spring introduced a thread in Purgatory regarding "Elton John gives interview in which he say organised religion should be banned because of attitude towards gays."

My favourite amongst coiled spring's responses to his own thread was this:

quote:
I can see Elton the Lad having trouble with Islam if UK goes over to Shia law, but don`t know why he would have a problem with the C of E With a bit of an effort on his part, should quickly become a pri-matey and wear one of those funny card hats to cover his bald spot.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Jimmy B (# 220) on :
 
This little gem from Karl: LB

quote:
If pews seem hard I say grow a bigger arse.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Saint Bertelin in Hell:
Foot odour can usually be remedied with leather shoes and cotton-rich socks. Heresy is quite another matter.


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
Damnit, Comet, I was just toddling down here to drop that one off!
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
Damnit, Comet, I was just toddling down here to drop that one off!

what, not this one instead? [Big Grin]
quote:
Originally posted by the Spiffster:
churches really should be like sluts; take everyone no matter who they are or whether they can pay.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Ah, we could have a whole thread just on Sineisms.

Very recently:
quote:
Not Feeding the Troll doesn't allow one to be Irate, Holier Than Thou, or Claiming The Moral High Ground, which is the way a lot of folks get their rocks off, figuratively (I hope) speaking.

On the other hand Feeding the Troll is a way of feeling you've done a Brave And Noble Thing without actually having done much of anything. Plus it gives one a Warm Glow of Self-Satisfaction.

Who could resist?


 
Posted by Lowly Worm (# 11663) on :
 
Said by Jahlove in the cafe' (and I reprint this with her permission...)

quote:
I keep my best twat for High Mass on Sunday, thank you very much.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
And now a message from John Donne:
quote:
...all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God’s hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another.


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
From Comet, posting in hell:
quote:
If you can't tell the difference between an adult man and a duck, there is no help for you here.
(edited to unbugger the quote code...)

[ 21. November 2006, 04:25: Message edited by: infinite_monkey ]
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider Managementspeak is to linguistic evolution as splicing fluorescent jellyfish genes into spinach is to biological evolution.

Artificial, pointless and rather tasteless.



[ 22. November 2006, 15:05: Message edited by: Gwai ]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
From Foxy on the thread in Heaven about loving Christmas:

quote:
I am utterly slain by the idea of Almighty God, Creator of the Universe, being born amongst us as a helpless baby in a stable, warmed by the breath of animals. Wow.
Absolutely!

Though I normally reference very witty posts, this is one time when no Franciscan could resist a quote that is so warm and spot on.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Riverfalls demonstrates the proper application of 1 Corinthians 13 to nurks:

quote:
3If I give away all I have, and if I give my body to be burned, but if I do not love people, I get nothing out of it.
4Nurks is patient and kind. Nurks is not jealous. Nurks is not proud and does not boast.
5Nurks does not do things that are not nice. Nurks does not just think of itself. Nurks does not get angry. Nurks holds no wrong feelings in the heart.
6Nurks is not glad when people do wrong things. But it is always glad when they do right.
7Nurks forgives everything. Nurks is always trusting, and always hoping, and never gives up.



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
After lo these many years as a Hell Host, the penny finally drops for RooK:

quote:
GROAN

People, please. You're making me start to think you all like being bitter, twisted anger sponges.



[ 29. November 2006, 01:53: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Sanityman on the Torchwood thread in Heaven:
quote:
That's one gaseous alien shag-monster and one squid-cum-200-year-old lesbian serial killer: I wonder if RTD wouldn't be happier filming a sequel to the Rocky Horror Show?

 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
After lo these many years as a Hell Host, the penny finally drops for RooK:

quote:
GROAN

People, please. You're making me start to think you all like being bitter, twisted anger sponges.


Ah, but we are...otherwise we would not sinfully like eating chocolate cake, indulge in anger mgmt style on the ship.

For some reason, I think of smiling sponges, then mean nasty ones with square teeth plus pointed teeth...saying awful things.
 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
SpongeBob Squarefangs, duchess?

M
 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Melon, on "Stupid Computer Admins":

quote:
I hate that sort of job, which is why I don't tend to do that sort of job.

 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
We excuse the "sins" we are tempted by and go nuclear on those that don't tempt us...

Paige in a time to speak, a time to keep silent, pg 2

[ 05. December 2006, 17:39: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Leetle Masha:
SpongeBob Squarefangs, duchess?

M

[Devil]
 
Posted by Callan (# 525) on :
 
Mousethief takes issue with Frank n' Honest:

quote:
If there is no God, who sends people to Hell? The Sorting Hat?

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Callan:
Mousethief takes issue with Frank n' Honest:

quote:
If there is no God, who sends people to Hell? The Sorting Hat?

[Killing me]
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sister Mary Precious in a Heaven thread about "when did you find out":
Santa is truly just as real as the Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, and Cher.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I know you all will agree this needs to be archived:

Miss Sarkycow, on nebie flamebait:
quote:
Why do we periodically get random newbies who come across the Ship and think that the best possible way to have fun here is to come to Hell and see:
1.How stupid a thing they can say in an OP.

2.How many people can provide a rebuttal within 24 hours.

3.How many 6yr old insults they can hurl.

Is there some board elsewhere having a competition? Because surely the chance of lots and lots of random people all independently deciding that's the best way forward is too small to be believable. Or am I underestimating the stupidity of the human race again?

And why do they all say some variation on these lines:

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wanted to see how hot it gets down here. Your insults are nothing to me. I am TEH UBER FLAMEGOD I will win this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not a fucking competition.

Arseholic morons.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I know you all will agree this needs to be archived:

Miss Sarkycow, on newbie flamebait:
quote:
Why do we periodically get random newbies who come across the Ship and think that the best possible way to have fun here is to come to Hell and see:
1.How stupid a thing they can say in an OP.

2.How many people can provide a rebuttal within 24 hours.

3.How many 6yr old insults they can hurl.

Is there some board elsewhere having a competition? Because surely the chance of lots and lots of random people all independently deciding that's the best way forward is too small to be believable. Or am I underestimating the stupidity of the human race again?

And why do they all say some variation on these lines:

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wanted to see how hot it gets down here. Your insults are nothing to me. I am TEH UBER FLAMEGOD I will win this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not a fucking competition.

Arseholic morons.



[ 10. December 2006, 21:32: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Papio (# 4201) on :
 
Does it need to be archived twice? [Razz]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
YES, DAMMIT, IT'S BRILLIANT!

( [Hot and Hormonal] )
 
Posted by Lowly Worm (# 11663) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Left at the Altar on a Hell thread:

It's times like this that I imagine RooK and Marvin and Sarky with lovely golden rings shimmering above their heads, as they paitiently read all the dross.

St RooK, St Marvin and St Sarkycow. The Trinity.

Hmmm, there's a theology I can get behind!
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Arrietty:
quote:
Originally posted by aumbry:
I am a regular visitor to London from this Saxon fastness and I recall seeing no Christmas symbolism in any of the public decorations.

Come to think of it, my last Easter egg wasn't embossed with the stations of the cross either.

 
Posted by Teufelchen (# 10158) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ken on the 'Last Rites' Purgatory thread:
...the stresses introduced by Anglo-Catholcism - i.e. "how do we ensure that the next vicar is the Right Sort of Chap when half the diocese thinks we are a cross between the Great Whore of Babylon and the Spawn of Cthulu?"

T.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
A Horseman Bree "special" on the Homosexuality DH thread.

quote:
Gluttons and gossips tend to have the valued positions in the church, despite the Biblical strictures.

 
Posted by Pure Sunshine (# 11904) on :
 
In Hell, Dinghy Sailor wrote:

Ken, why do you have to be right so much? It makes me all the more annoyed when I don't agree with you.

[Razz]

I think Ken should use that as his sig!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
"Why Bother Getting Up in the Morning" Dept.:


quote:
Originally posted by Bean Sidhe:
Les

We will be offended if you are offensive
We will be offended if you are not offensive
We will be offended if you take offence
We will be offended if you do not take offence
We will be offended, in fact, if you speak
We will be offended if you do not speak

Read that once more, then start again.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...and Kenwritez lives to serve:

quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:
quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
I have no husband. So Duran Duran underwear welcomed here. [Smile]

Duch, I dunno if I can find any down here. What if I just grab a pair of whites and use a Magic Marker to write DURAN on each cheek and Hungry Like the Wolf on the front? [Killing me]

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Quoth Callan in Purg, on the thread regarding children in church:

quote:
Churches are scary enough for the unchurched without them having to face the massed ranks of the Hyacinth Bouquet Panzer Division every time their children makes a sound which is not authorised by the rubrics.
what a terrifying mental image!

(but funny as hell!)
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Another gem from KenWritez:
quote:
God is the author of my life, I'm the pages on which His text is written.

Currently, He seems to be drawing cartoons on me.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Big Grin]

Goes well with the Donne quote.
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Quoth the esteemed tomb (squamous and rugose) on the AS:Molly thread:

quote:
Death is so inconvenient.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
LynnMagdaleneCollege gives props to Sine:

quote:
Sine, your cynical self-interest regarding no-room-at-the-inn and the Bethlehem Marriott is practically inspiring.

 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
Eliab in Purg:

quote:
The Christian gospel is not a logic puzzle that God set us so that he can ensure he gets the smartest possible worshippers. If it were, the incarnation would have been unnecessary – a Sudoku would have done just as well.

 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
Spiffy in Purg:

quote:
On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is simple and 10 is complex, God is a banana.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Grushi attempts to celebrate his Loss of Faith:

quote:
I went out[to Walmart] this morning after learning that Genesis 1 invalidates the whole of the bible, and the best they could offer me was Tickle Me Richard Dawkins.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
I love it when there's a hilarious post in Eccles. Here's Louise describing the music at Christmas Mass:

quote:
lo, verily, the organist had smitten the keyboard like unto Samson getting all Bronze Age on somebody's ass.


 
Posted by Ena (# 11545) on :
 
On the 'Ungorgivable (sic) sin' thread in Heaven a little while back:

' Not so very long ago, gully prepared to deliver a major seminar before the great and the good, SWMBO had to go commando. Threw away all her gallen-apart knickers with not a thought og buying replacements. Mr Eggiciency had the wash on; when cries were heard "Guck! I haven't got any knickers!" '

Unfortunately I don't remember who said it, and it won't let me search for it, so.........yet again, I say: any claimers? Someone must be proud of that one!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Can't argue with you, Moo:

quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
If Kindade had painted only one picture, I think I would like it.

Unfortunately, he didn't stop there.



 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
[Tangent]I had never heard of Kindade - but he appears to be some kind of American Jack Vettriano[/Tangent]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oops, didn't correct the spelling. It's Kincade.
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ena:
Unfortunately I don't remember who said it, and it won't let me search for it, so.........yet again, I say: any claimers? Someone must be proud of that one!

I think that was Welease Woderick, but I could be wrong.
 
Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:
quote:
Originally posted by Ena:
Unfortunately I don't remember who said it, and it won't let me search for it, so.........yet again, I say: any claimers? Someone must be proud of that one!

I think that was Welease Woderick, but I could be wrong.
No, it wasn't. Take a bow, Zealot en Vacance.
 
Posted by Ena (# 11545) on :
 
Ah, thank you! I can see WW saying it too, though...
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
[Tangent]I had never heard of Kindade - but he appears to be some kind of American Jack Vettriano[/Tangent]

...except Vettriano's works aren't cloying gobs of sentiment. I like JV's work because it contains a bit of mystery and helps me build stories around the figures in the paintings (something I value as a writer), whereas Kincade's works present me with nothing more than a cute image.

Of course, both of these men can laugh at their critics all the way to the bank.
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ena:
I can see WW saying it too, though...

I can't see WW referring to SWMBO somehow - I think HWMBO might have something to say about that [Big Grin]
 
Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
I thought the same thing, JtL. Congrats, BTW.

Adeodatus on Torchwood:
quote:
There are only so many British cities you can trample on or fight an interplanetary war over, before somebody somewhere notices.

 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
I've already just confessed that Callan is one of my favourite quotable shipmates, and here he is on form again. From the NOS thread in Purgatory:

quote:
but we can all see that giving someone in their twenties pastoral care of a congregation of six hundred young people after one year at theological college with no adequate support or oversight is going to end badly whether he is Hannibal Lecter or St. John of the Cross.

 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
From the hell thread "Why not just have a siren go off? "FAT-so, FAT-so, FAT-so!"

quote:
Originally posted by Janine:


I look in the mirror and see... A thrill ride. The cockpit of a vintage luxury car well-covered in butter-soft Fine Corinthian Leather. A full-fat, extra-cream dessert, spiked with spices and finest liquors and set afire as it's served.

All I can say is whoa..yeaaassss! [Overused]
(and I am borrowing this...mighty fine line! [Big Grin] )
 
Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 
Max in Eccles

quote:
Mine goes over my head and then has a zip up the middle.
[Eek!]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I really should be getting to bed, but I had to drop this one off:

quote:
Originally posted by Corpus cani:
There's little more painful than banging one's own bony bits against someone else's bony bits, and there's always the risk of it sounding like a xylophone.



 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
From the hell thread "Why not just have a siren go off? "FAT-so, FAT-so, FAT-so!"

quote:
Originally posted by Janine:


I look in the mirror and see... A thrill ride. The cockpit of a vintage luxury car well-covered in butter-soft Fine Corinthian Leather. A full-fat, extra-cream dessert, spiked with spices and finest liquors and set afire as it's served.

All I can say is whoa..yeaaassss! [Overused]
(and I am borrowing this...mighty fine line! [Big Grin] )

Uh huh. That's Janine all right. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Corpus cani (# 1663) on :
 
Yoiks! I am humbled Mme Lapin avec une hache.

In years to come, those researching my biography will find this permanent record of my erudition.

"Oh, look," will say Researcher the First, "He contributed a passage to an internet-based theological forum!"

"Really?" will come the response. "What is the underlying theme of his thesis?"

"Umm... it's all about knobbing skinny girls."

Bang goes my canonisation then...

Cc
 
Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 
Posted by Ags
quote:
Don't mind, lad or lass


[ 09. January 2007, 22:52: Message edited by: Spike ]
 
Posted by Ags (# 204) on :
 
Well, Cc, at least you named your preference.
I, on the other hand, seem to be a little ambivalent about mine! [Hot and Hormonal]

Spike - [Razz]
 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
Ariel in Heaven;
quote:
I wonder if they could all be combined - an alluring dance with the hula hoop that finishes with your feet under the sideboard. Would the sultan go for that, I wonder?

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sine Nomine reflects:

quote:
I’m not becoming my mother. I’m becoming my grandmother. And to think I pitched her bridge cloths when I moved. I knew I shouldn’t get rid of anything. I just KNEW it!



 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
From Trudy Scrumptious on the Praise Thread --
quote:
Sometimes all we can do is throw a rock at the window and let grace shine through!

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
I'm back with another; this time, Bede's American Successor on the ECUSA vs. CofE thread:

quote:
To forget that +KJS was an active research oceanographer is not wise. She is not the Vicar of Dibley in rochet and chimere.


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
IngoB in purgatory:
quote:
God is Love, not Prozac.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This comes up all the time, so I feel it proper to save this nugget form Lyda Rose:

quote:
It's almost frightening the regularity in which it represents people who like to play in Hell- but not well. Someone should write it up as an addendum to Rorschach.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oops, clipped it. [Hot and Hormonal]
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
What is it about the tiger avatar? [Confused]

It's almost frightening the regularity in which it represents people who like to play in Hell- but not well. Someone should write it up as an addendum to Rorschach.

I except Mama Thomas, Of course. [Biased]



[ 18. January 2007, 05:01: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...and ken preaches the full gospel:

quote:
Look, this is Hell. We've got no problem with posters mocking loonies and dumbos and mentally subnormal sick people. But if they misuse the English language our pedantry circuits will be engaged.

 
Posted by Lowly Worm (# 11663) on :
 
on the God isn't a bitch hell thread...

quote:
Posted by The Lad Himself:

Obviously God's female. Otherwise how do you explain multiple orgasms? Exactly.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Dang it, Worm, you beat me to it! [Razz]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Keep this excuse handy, courtesy of dogwonderer:

quote:
I haven't actually read past Line 3 of the OP yet, cos my dog ate the printout.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Another RooKism for the minutes:

quote:
the truth is that in this thread you've been little more than a scratching post to a herd of bored cats.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
I love taking things out of context...

quote:
Originally posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege:
Play with your dead kitty and see what looks good - be bold!


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Another RooKism :It may be cynical, but you can't really argue with it:

quote:
I think you'll find that the preponderance of clinical evidence clearly identifies two specific kinds of relationships as being most likely to cause psychological harm: marriage and parenthood.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
[Big Grin] Corpus Cani:
quote:
As a fully fledged Anglican I can claim to be fully qualified in nailing my colours firmly to the fence.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Vanity alert

I posted this a long time ago, in reference to somebody involved in the Gitmo situation:

quote:
I'm sure he'll be providing the forward to the Patriot Edition of the Malleus Malificarum.
(I just thought that was a great line. Forgive me.)
 
Posted by PeteCanada (# 10422) on :
 
Dear Blesséd Spiffy said in Hell, in re: Gordo's recurrent lack of Immodium:

quote:
The Gospel according to Gordito, after all, says Jesus wandered into the desert for 40 days to come up with the 4 Step Plan for Salvation and to helpfully write out all His words in red marker in Elizabethan English, all the while singing "Shine, Myself, Shine".

 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
I just came here to print that Pete. It may be the funniest thing I've ever read here. At least in the top ten. That darn Spiffy.
 
Posted by OliviaG (# 9881) on :
 
From the speed camera thread in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
You're so dense that your brain must have an event horizon around it.

I think the most beautiful thing about this insult is the incongruity of a person who knows what an event horizon acting so dense as to deserve this. OliviaG
 
Posted by Doc Tor (# 9748) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by OliviaG:
I think the most beautiful thing about this insult is the incongruity of a person who knows what an event horizon acting so dense as to deserve this. OliviaG

Hey! I resemble that remark!

I maintain my physics-based approach as correct... but RooK is much better at the riposte than me, so that's where the kudos goes. Curse his canuck hide!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
KenW's been taking the megalomania pills again.

Once he stopped taking them, and an ozone hole developed over Fresno.
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by AdamPater:
But before you can listen you have to stop talking. And before you can understand someone you have to stop telling them what they're saying. Before you can point them to Jesus, you have to stop giving them the finger.


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
I was just on my way to post that one: AdamPater, [Overused]
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
As Professor Kirke notes
quote:
If Maryland and New York combine forces, my Limited Edition Goat Nad iPod is going to completely lose its resale value.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Doublethink (on the Purg discussion about banning fake testicles as vehicle ornaments):
quote:
I wonder if they'd bother to ban false clitorides ? Though of course you'd have to mount them somewhere under the hood, and the mechanic would spend ages trying to find them ...

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Sine Nomine in Hell:
quote:
Well you know, Gordo, it occurs to me that if you were so damn happy with your own beliefs you wouldn’t feel the compulsion to throw stones at other people’s.
Words to live by.
 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
From our very own Blackadder-esque Reader ken on the 'Orthodox = dynastically Protestant?' thread:

quote:
Originally posted by ken:

Belgium is the odd one out. A constitutionally Roman Catholic state founded by the Brits in the 1830s in order to prevent France running all the Channel ports.

We stocked its royal family with minor German Protestant princes, just as we did those of Greece and a few other assorted south-eastern European countries. Its a British skill, like stocking salmon farms and trout ponds.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Pure as the Yellow Driven Snow:

quote:
How the hell have you managed to take the joy, the excitement and the irrepressible delight of the Gospel and reduced it to nyah nyah nyah?

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(I was gonna post that one too, but was afraid I was being a thread-hog)

This just in: What does jedijudy do when she's not slumming on the Ship?

quote:
Originally posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege:
she's either laughing and whooping it up with friends (the ones that roped her into this[a comedic ballet]) or she's getting pie-eyed down at Fergit Yer Trubbles, pondering her future career as an itinerant buffoon... I trust it's the former. [Big Grin]


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Oooh, and from Humane Catholic, the perfect thing to say to my congregation:

quote:
A priest of my childhood once commented, "If God's given you a terrible singing voice, then the least you can do is give it back to Him. Sing up, damnit."


 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
I want that as a T-shirt - so I can sing appallingly and point to the slogan! [Killing me]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
comet:
quote:
BECAUSE PAUL WAS JESUS' SOCK PUPPET!!!

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Zappa in hell:
quote:
I hate it when people bullshit in the name of Jesus.
Now that's a bumper sticker I want on my car.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Rossweisse administers a mighty smack-down in Hell, with nary a cuss word:

quote:
The sentence above, for example, is so fat and unwieldy as to be well-nigh unreadable. A starving Third World family could live on it for a week.


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
An addendum to Kelly's post:

quote:
Originally posted by Rossweisse:
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
On the contrary. If she's that worried about starving third world families, she should send her calorific sentences to them, rather than wasting them on us overfed westerners.

"There are children starving for adverbs in India."

 
Posted by Chelley (# 11322) on :
 
quote:
comet:
I find an afternoon's play with a decent organ always sets me right again. [Devil]


[Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Amen.
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Silent Acolyte in Eccles thread "Process to the Trisagion":
Though it's hard not to sing when approaching the altar of God.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
From ken on the Martyn Joseph thread in Heaven:
quote:
One of the salient points about being liberal is that your core is not meant to be hard, but soft, and generous, if not exactly pliable or runny, something like chocolate fudge.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Martin Luther as channeled by Lamb Chopped:
quote:
"Get your arse down to the nearest marriage license bureau as soon as you can find a woman who'll have you, because you obviously haven't got the gift of chastity."

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The thing is, I have heard devout Christians complain about the same thing:

quote:
Originally posted by The Atheist:
The people I know who have "found Jesus" later on in life are all very much like ex-smokers - zealous wankers.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Oooh, I'm so pleased! My very own quote. [Hot and Hormonal] I'm finally all growed up.

But such a quote to be remembered by... [Snigger]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
We aim to please. [Biased]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Hey, y'all, we got a mission statement now:

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
Humour is the last refuge of the desperate and cynical.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
comet:
quote:
on the entry into town, right where the tracks cross the road, there is a large swamp where the moose like to hang out in the summer. one day, my son (11) and I come up over the hill and down the other side to see ten vehicles - 'bagos and rentals, of course - stopped and blocking the road while taking pictures of a lovely older bull trying to have his breakfast in peace.

as I wound my way through the stopped cars to get to work, I saw a young man with camera in the swamp water, wading closer, and closer, and closer...

I said to Chasee#2, "he had better be careful or that moose will charge."

Chasee#2 responds in his best "moose voice": "Excuse me sir, that will be twenty bucks for that picture. I accept Visa.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
comet:
quote:
Chasee#2 responds in his best "moose voice": "Excuse me sir, that will be twenty bucks for that picture. I accept Visa."

[Yipee]
C#2 is a big fan of the Ship. Big.

I told him he made the Quotes Fie, and his response was, "AWWWWWW-some!"

He said to tell you all he'll be here in 4 years and six months.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Bring it, Chasee! [Big Grin]

Ok, this was too long to put into my sig, but it is so my political position on , well, everything:

quote:
Republicans are idiots, and democrats are idiots, and liberals are idiots, and conservatives are idiots.. anybody who done made up their mind before they fucking heard the issue is a fucking idiot.

--Chris Rock

Oh, do I wish he were a Shipmate.
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Hatless, on the Wedding - When? thread in Purg:

The real power in words is seen when the words change the world. Like saying 'this is the body of Christ,' or 'let there be light,' or 'I forgive you.'

Thought this was great.
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Gort in Hell (With LANGUAGE WARNING for tender ears and eyeballs):

quote:
Why the Good Lord would want to save any of you squabbling fuck-monkeys is the One True Mystery.

 
Posted by Petrified (# 10667) on :
 
From Wet Kipper in the Bovine Blow Job thread

"In fact, does this make him Britney Spears, as that's what you get if you "reform" the word Presbyterians"
 
Posted by PeteCanada (# 10422) on :
 
Those Sydney Anglicans are moving us to high levels of quotes!

This from Altarbird

quote:
Thankfully, I put my faith in God to tell me whether or not I'm a good Christian, and not in you or the three blind mice of Jensenites.
etd: a stray parenthesis

[ 15. March 2007, 12:43: Message edited by: PeteCanada ]
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Some things are just meant to be gloriously tacky. Two of them are Spanish reredos and your average wedding cake.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
[Big Grin]
------

Kelley, this would fit as a sig:
quote:
...anybody who done made up their mind before they fucking heard the issue is a fucking idiot. ~Chris Rock


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Yeah, I figured it out. And I realized I hadn't got the quote quite right, either. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Never, never, never get into a verbal pissing contest with Kenwritez.

quote:
quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:
If you really hate [X]that much, why not just buy a cat from the pound, name him "[X]," and then have him neutered? Keep the scrotum on your desk in a little jar of formaldehyde.


(Edited to avoid importing a Hell thread.)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Nigel M. My kind of guy:
quote:
The question of where Mark ended his gospel has been one of those that induce a collapse in scholarly decorum and there’s nothing quite so fascinating as sitting on the sidelines watching scholars un-decor themselves.

 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
From a thread in Ecclesiantics about the "Christ is Risen!" responsory:

quote:
Originally posted by Corpus cani:
[Or how about the newly appointed precentor of Lincoln Cathedral in the early 20thC who met the bishop in the close on Easter Morning?

Bishop: Alleluia! Christ is risen!

*pause*

Precentor: Quite so, my Lord, quite so.]

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Teufelchen contributed this gem to a Purgatory thread about street preachers:

quote:
"Don't be a sinner when you can be a winner!" proclaims the Oxford Circus guy.

Perhaps the Cult of Cthulhu can do a competing pitch: "Even if you're a sinner, you can still be our god's dinner!"

Those interested in further information about being 'winners' may wish to know that, also near Oxford Circus, there are women who pass out heather and offer to read one's future.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Because somebody's got to do it:

quote:
Originally posted by flighty:

If you want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.

(Ed. because I'm a comma Nazi)

[ 11. April 2007, 22:24: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Originally Posted by Newman's Own, quoting Corpus Cani:

quote:
Quite so, my Lord, quite so.
[Orthopedant] Shouldn't that have read, "Quite so, my Lord, alleluia, alleluia"???[/Orthopedant]

Best wishes,

Mary
 
Posted by Jimmy B (# 220) on :
 
Nice by Laura in Styx. Should be the Ship's motto:

quote:
...we're not in the habit of catering to the sensitive.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Beane Sidhe pours out her heart on "How Offensive!" :

quote:

Les, making people laugh is the same as being happy? What happened to the tears of a clown, the lonely agony of the long-distance standup? Have you no soul?


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sine Nomine on Botox party etiquette:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Hey! I let the two friends I was with go first to see if they keeled over or not.



[ 19. April 2007, 01:36: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
David, on the joys of guest-hosting:

quote:
The regular Hell Hosts have apparently been struggling to find a suitable reason to close this piece of shit of a thread.

As a special guest host extraordinaire, I find that I have no requirement for reasons.



[ 19. April 2007, 01:38: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
And again from David: why fancy up a thread closure with a bunch of flowery explanations?

quote:
Die.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I can't remember who it was, but one sparkling day in Hell we had one of those online tests that told you what your spiritual gifts were, and someone who took the test posted:

quote:
Oh, hoo-freaking-ray. I have the gift of celibacy.
Still gets me giggling.
I think Papio might have just beat this one. The Circus Freaks take a test to find their animal spirit guide:

quote:
Originally posted by Papio:
I get a mouse called Ariel.

I don't wanna sodding mouse.


 
Posted by Pax Romana (# 4653) on :
 
Things to Do Today:

1. Post something memorable on Ship of Fools, so that somebody at some point will quote you.

2. Wash the dishes and dust the furniture.

Pax Romana
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Smudgie defines "Communion of Saints":

quote:
You don't need to feel stupid all by yourself. We are here to keep you company while you feel stupid. Don't just disregard us as if we were nobodies.

 
Posted by BillyPilgrim (# 9841) on :
 
Papio on being bullied at school:

quote:
PE just sucks. It goes sucky sucky suck suck. It has no redeeming features at all.


[Killing me] [Killing me]

[ 01. May 2007, 10:59: Message edited by: BillyPilgrim ]
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
In a purg discussion on good and evil as experienced personally:

quote:
Karl the Liberal Backslider said, and I quote,
Seems to me that this Satan is an industrious wee beastie, with all this sending of Bad News. I'm not sure how helpful, or accurate, this sort of "God sending the good things, Satan sending the bad things" dualism is. We can easily end up at "God got me a parking place/Satan made my rear offside puncture in the rain" thinking, and that's when Christianity turns into some kind of cosmic RPG with God and Satan taking turns as dungeon master.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Rossweisse, talking about whether or not a certain group should refer to themselves as Christian.
quote:
You can call yourself Elizabeth Windsor, but that doesn't mean the Queen's corgis will come when you whistle for them.


 
Posted by CuppaT (# 10523) on :
 
IngoB in Purg from the Theological Differences thread:
quote:
A religion without teeth cannot bite, it can only suck...

 
Posted by Papio (# 4201) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by BillyPilgrim:
Papio on being bullied at school:

quote:
PE just sucks. It goes sucky sucky suck suck. It has no redeeming features at all.


[Killing me] [Killing me]

Well, ok. I can see how I could have phrased that better. [Biased]
 
Posted by BillyPilgrim (# 9841) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Papio:
quote:
Originally posted by BillyPilgrim:
Papio on being bullied at school:

quote:
PE just sucks. It goes sucky sucky suck suck. It has no redeeming features at all.


[Killing me] [Killing me]

Well, ok. I can see how I could have phrased that better. [Biased]
No, it's fine as it is. Although, yes, it could suggest that your school days were rather more interesting than mine!
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
The cutest thing I've read here in ages: Malin on the unexpected joys of the not-so-natural athlete:

quote:
Originally posted by Malin:
I actually felt a moment of determined (and slightly painful) energy as I forced myself over the last railway bridge. I think I might have had my first endorphin [Big Grin]


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
nomadicgrl's friend:
quote:
"When Jerry Falwell passes away he will be greeted in Heaven by a representative of God who was a Black, Liberal, Lesbian Woman. When I pass away I'll be greeted in Heaven by Jerry Falwell."

[Votive] for ol' Jerry
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
by Charles Read:


some Christians seem to think insensitivity is a gift of the Spirit.
 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
From kentishmaid on the It's only funny to a ________ thread:
quote:
My favourite (quite well known) theology joke:

And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"

They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."

And Jesus replied, "What?"

Well, it's a new joke to me! [Killing me]
 
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
From the cafe (posted with permission). Discussing the death of Jerry Falwell, Doublethink asks:

"Was he the shock jock type comedian with the top hat?"
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sometimes someone says something of such pure wisdom that you can do nothing but stand in awe. Brava, Duchess:
quote:
So all I can say is that the tone is set with the hosts. Kind of like if you will, working for a Japanese company is different working for a Finnish one except they both love being naked in the sauna.


 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
Dammit Kelly!! I just came here to post that very same quote! Double brava, duchess!!

[edited to change "bravo" to "brava." Permission to shout "Brava!" at an annoying loud volume, anyone?]

[ 24. May 2007, 23:32: Message edited by: Trudy Scrumptious ]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
From an Ecclesiantics thread about Benediction, where another Ship mate had commented that such a service in the C of E seems contrary to the 39 Articles:

Adeodatus:
quote:
Articles, schmarticles! Bishops' a*ses were not ordained of Christ to be kicked, but we shouldn't let that get in the way of a little footie practice now and then. (I'm wearing my JDAKB bracelet: "Jesus Didn't Always Know Best".)

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
And from Sine, after someone reminds us all that Jesus got cranky, too:

quote:
Is there a Jesus version of Godwin's Law? There should be.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Wait, I quoted from memory. The correct quote:

quote:
Is there a Jesus Version of Godwin’s Law? If not, there should be.

 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Callan:

quote:
Kindly demonstrate the sleight of hand, changing facts on the ground and subversive tactics or go into the kitchen, put on the kettle and pour yourself a nice hot mug of shut the fuck up.


 
Posted by mountainsnowtiger (# 11152) on :
 
Can we have the thread reference please, TT? Sounds like a fun debate is going on somewhere and I haven't been able to track it down via Callan's 'recent post' list yet.
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
It's here on the Wycliffe Hall thread - but it's a very long thread!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This is prizeworthy.

quote:
Originally posted by mirrizin:
It always creeps me out a little when people take me seriously. [Smile]


 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Originally posted by Triple Tiara:
quote:
The saints sing in chorus. The heretics sing out of tune. When we try to get the saints to sing a different tune, we disrupt the divine symphony.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Mirrizin: a new one on my "Quoteable people to Watch." list. Sorry if it "creeps you out" buddy, but AFAIAC you say some damn wise things. Like this:

quote:
I think some folk believe that their "immortal souls" rest on this little interpretation of scripture that someone passed onto them, and so they're terrified of losing it. Any questioning of "the doctrine" (often delivered in Chick Tract style) may endanger their immortal happiness, so they fend off any and all questions. When a pastor allows his authority to rest solely on this reading of scripture, it gets even more psychologically complicated, and harder to root out.

 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Liopleurodon in the Creationist Museum thread in Hell. If there were dinosaurs around when the Bible was being written...

quote:
Surely there should be a few lines like "Your enemy, the Devil, is like a prowling Spinosaurus, with the big teeth and fearsome roar like this GRRRRRRRRRRAAAAARRRGGHHH"
[Killing me]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
the latest whole page of that thread is hysterical, IMO.
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
MouseThief weighs in on the limerick quality control thread on the Styx:
quote:
There once was a thread on the Ship
Where limerick writing was hip
But it sucked when the verse
Got increasingly worse
Till the poems submitted weren't really, in any true sense of the word, limericks at all.

Hee hee.
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
The whole "How to Become an Innie" thread in Hell is full of fun but I must remember this line from Gort:

"Hosting only requires a file clerk's reading skills and a process server's judgement." I'm sure activities other than Hosting fit just as well if not better.

Getting quoted on this thread goes a long way to being recognised as an Innie.
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
In the Steering the Ship thread in Styx, Erin summed things nicely*:
quote:
In my opinion, where Christianity has gone off the rails is when it's made a distinction between thought and action. I would really have a problem institutionalizing that sort of divide here.
*Nicely? Did I just say "Erin" and "nicely" in the same sentence? [Eek!]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Gareth, discussing the Ship (as part of a larger conversation) on the Unspoken Rules thread in Purg:
quote:
I've always found the place to be characterised by iconoclastic scepticism, even when directed to one's own most cherished beliefs.

After all, what happens to Shipmates who treat their own beliefs as unquestionable? There is no 'universal truth' here.

This really hits the nail on the head for me.
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
Duo Seraphim in Hell:
quote:
...What a waste of time: irony plainly sails over your head. It's probably gone on a futile hunt for your misplaced logic.
No! No! Stop! My sides can't take much more! [Killing me]
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
...Getting quoted on this thread goes a long way to being recognised as an Innie.

Thank you. Thank you very much! That will be 50 more points towards my Innie status, correct?
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
AnnaB on the Recipe Thread in Heaven:

quote:
I feel self-satisfied as a Siamese cat after an orgasm.

Speaking of her cooking prowess, of course.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
No pithy introductory comment; this exchange stands alone.

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
quote:
Originally posted by PhilA:
Can I please be an innie?

Why yes, certainly you may.

If your real life is so dismal that you prefer spend most of your time online racking-up a huge post count, go right ahead. Virtual status is better than no status at all I suppose.

Of course a quick trip through the shipmate’s gallery and some of the support threads in All Saints reminds one that in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Hennah, of people who can't be bothered to use proper forms of address in emails:

quote:
I hope you drown in a bucket of apostrophes.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Damn, this particular thread is turning into a font of insight.

quote:
Originally posted by Arrietty:
[qb] If you think you're in and say you're in, you're out.

If you think you're out but try to cover it up by saying you're in, you're out.

If you think you're in but say you're out so people won't think you think you're in, you're out.

If you say you're out and proud of it, you think out is the new in, so you think you are in, so you're out.

If outies think you're in and you try to pretend you're not in, you're out.

In or out, if you're on this thread you're a loser anyway so who cares whether you're in or out?


 
Posted by Choirboy (# 9659) on :
 
From an exchange between Po and Josephine on the 'Thoughts on the Lord's Supper' thread:
quote:
Originally posted by Josephine:
quote:
Originally posted by Po:
quote:
Have you ever expressed love to someone—say, a child—with a ritual involving tiny bits of food and drink, background music, and a liturgy delivered in a somewhat theatrical voice? Or would that constitute child abuse?

I gather you haven't participated in many teddy bear tea parties, have you?

 
Posted by PeteCanada (# 10422) on :
 
They're discussing the masturbation in Hell. [Eek!]

Anyway, if response to a question:

What if they're single?

Brother Polycarp a newbie replied (doubtless following the Anglican Primatial thread):

That would be same-sex union

No further comment needed, I trust!

[ 24. June 2007, 15:12: Message edited by: PeteCanada ]
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
A RooK "special", rather a long one, but special anyway, from the innies and outies thread (Kelly Alves, you are so right about that thread.)

quote:
There are people who use sarcasm in the same way that Degas used pencil - a deft touch of insight and genius belying truth so poignant that even the pain of accepting its barb is pleasurable. These people have every clique clamouring to admit them, if not for direct appreciation then at least for fear of being outclassed en-masse.

Then there are people who think that they're being sarcastic, but really they understand the idiom about as well as a drunken hippopotamus in high heels can tap dance. These people aren't just usually "out", they are a convincing argument about why exclusion should happen at all.



[ 24. June 2007, 22:30: Message edited by: Barnabas62 ]
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Lawrence, commenting on a MW report on a short lunchtime service at Canary Wharf:

quote:
Ah, there speaks someone who has a civilised workplace. I have some friends in evil London law firms who would consider 20 to 25 minutes more as a career break than a lunch break.


[ 26. June 2007, 19:49: Message edited by: Triple Tiara ]
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
Matrix responding to a Coiled Spring post in Hell:
quote:
Out of interest, how do you manage to balance quite so many chips on your shoulders, matey?

 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
quote:
Mudfrog:
I think I've had enough now. I hate churches together. I hate the worthies and luvvies that come to the committee meetings and have no concept of what the people in the pews think.

quote:
Karl: Liberal Backslider:
Well, look at it this way. God's given you some enemies to love and pray for as Jesus commanded.


 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
My first post to this thread! [Big Grin]

I'd like to contribute this from Custard.:
quote:
To nearly quote Dr Strangelove - the whole point of nuclear weapons is lost if you don't tell people about them.
Source
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Nice one.

This from Duchess:

quote:
I put the T in TULIP.

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
From Grits in the I Hate Fundamentalists thread in Hell:
quote:
It's good to be armed with the truth, no doubt. Too bad so many brethren tend to shoot themselves in the foot with it.

 
Posted by PeteCanada (# 10422) on :
 
This one's so good!

quote:
Originally posted by Anselmina:
quote:
Originally posted by Amos:
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:


And don't be too spooked when the vicar announces 'there are three people in this marriage' - it's what they all say.

Not me! That's crass.
Yeah, when everyone knows it's five. Rook, his beloved, and the Holy Trinity. But they could stay in the Granny flat.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Casablanca according to Cartmel Veteran:
quote:
If that bus to the next parish leaves and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of the church calendar.


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
OliviaG on the Harry Potter thread:
quote:

If Voldemort ever finds out that Snape has not only been working for Dumbledore but has protected Harry on a number of occasions, he's going to be, well, like, totally wroth.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I think this one is even funnier if you have a mental sound clip of Amazing Grace's voice to guide you as to the exact delivery:

quote:
Originally posted by Amazing Grace:
quote:
Originally posted by Trin:
While we're at it, you're also a snobby elitist if your signature or profile contains:

- latin
- a quote from a shakespeare (or similar)
- something copied and pasted to prove that you once exchanged banter with a high profile shipmate.

Hmmm, I have a sudden desire to mosey on over to the Question Thread and ask if anyone can translate "Blow me, chickeybabe" into Latin.
{Altered slightly to juxtapose line and response]

[ 15. July 2007, 04:18: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
I love Kelly.
quote:
Probably no sooner had Jesus spoken most of his words intended for comfort, there were already people processing out the loopholes to further Mankind's endless I'm Better Than You contest.
from the Purgatory accountability thread.
 
Posted by Manipled Mutineer (# 11514) on :
 
Quoth Hatless, in the "Greatest Living Theologian" thread:

quote:
When I read Jungel I find myself wondering what I might get for tea tonight, and whose birthday comes next in our family: my mind skates off the page like a plastic knife off polished granite.

So I reckon he must be pretty good.

I think "my mind skates off the page like a plastic knife off polished granite" is particularly treasurable and applies to my reactions to so much theology!
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Manipled Mutineer

Spot on! I love hatless's contributions around here. He keeps coming up with stuff like that.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
I love Kelly.
quote:
Probably no sooner had Jesus spoken most of his words intended for comfort, there were already people processing out the loopholes to further Mankind's endless I'm Better Than You contest.
from the Purgatory accountability thread.
Right back atcha, babe.

Also, you're the first person to quote me (other than myself) in a long, long time. [Tear]
 
Posted by OliviaG (# 9881) on :
 
From the Christianity/bondage thread in Purg:
quote:
Originally posted by Real Ale Methodist:
God is Present, Sex is divine: but that does not mean I turn to my partner and say "This reminds me of one of Chrysostom's homilies".

OliviaG
 
Posted by dogwonderer (# 12169) on :
 
The inimitable comet, in vintage form, in Hell (apologies for profanity):

quote:
You all stand there and whine about the sky being green despite the whole fucking world saying, "look! see my sweater? that's blue. see how the sky is? that's blue too." and then you freaks say, "yeah, but my point is that the sky is green, not your sweater!"

it's like talking to a fucking magic 8 ball.

Sheer class.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
[Hot and Hormonal] gosh, Thanks, dw!

Mirrizin in Hell, on the salvation by faith/works neverending thing:

quote:
Though if you link that theology to eternal damnation you make God out to be an incredible meanie.
one sentence, and he sums up my problem with this thing completely. and simply, too. The Force is strong with our resident ninja.
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
From the Styx thread on Gordon Cheng's second banning, a masterpiece of a metaphor by Gort:

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
quote:
Originally posted by Davy Wavy Morrison:
I'm so thankful saccharine cliches are not banned...

Barnacles aren't either. But every so often they have to be scraped off when the ship begins to lose headway.

 
Posted by samara (# 9932) on :
 
I am tempted to plaster this all over the place, but I will content myself with immortalizing it here.

quote:
Originally posted by Ian Climacus:
And people wonder why I'm often quiet about my Christianity: no shame of Christ; shame of fellow Christians who are nutters.


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Spiffy hits another home run (from the ken Hell thread).

I've had my first baptism in fire in a retail job this weekend.

I'm now very good at saying "I'm sorry" while meaning "Fuck off and die, you waste of skin.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Check yourselves, y'all.

quote:
Originally posted by comet:
Never underestimate the ability of our fellow Shipmates to make a ten course meal out of crackers and cheese whiz.



[ 25. July 2007, 03:35: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
dang you're fast! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by dogwonderer (# 12169) on :
 
Jimmy B:

quote:
Well I had lunch at a classy restaurant while surrounded by beautiful women discussing ladies' fashion, specifically dresses with wrap around look top bits and the price of Louis Vuitton handbags. As I am a gentleman and a skilled conversationalist, I was able to contribute to the discussion... "Yes. I think that look is very flattering on some ladies" [Thought bubble: Orrr, fuckyeah! That looks so totally hot! More girlies should take the puppies out for a walk!]

I may have to write a book... The gay boyfriend in wolf's clothing or, How to pull Sheilas by feigning disinterest.

Outstanding.

[Killing me] x100
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
dang you're fast! [Big Grin]

Kelly beat me to it by a short head. You're showering sparks these days, which I reckon must be normal for a comet.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I wanted to beat the stampede of folk I knew wanted to quote that. [Biased]
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Gort in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Davy Wavy Morrison:
Sex? What's that?

If you have to ask, you're not mature enough for it. Go play with your biblical action figures.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Starbelly on Film:

quote:
Originally posted by starbelly:
I tried watching Borat last night, but gave up after 40 minutes as it failed to raise a smile even once.

quote:
Also just watched "World Trade Center" and actually laughed more than any other emotion, I must be a heartless bastard...

Neil, you are a special, special man. [Tear]
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Trudy demonstrating outstanding modesty with a single comma:

quote:
Trudy, Scrumptious Purgatory Host

 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
[Killing me]
 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
On the neice-kicking thread, lots of people appreciated this from ken;
quote:
Heaven isn't always nice. Once there was a war in heaven. And someone got cast out.
TTP
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
I'm changing my sig, but I wanted to save Davy Wavy's quote for posterity. It's from a larger discussion on cricket that for some reason was going on in Styx. I suspect if you understood cricket this would be less funny; same probably if it was in context (somehow?). I think it's hysterical!

quote:
Even no-balls are usually outside off stump, or even leg stump, going towards silly leg or leg slip, which means bodyline is being applied...

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Comet, correct me if I am mistaken, but don't we have a rule that all posts must be in English?
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Well said, 206 !
quote:
quote:

Originally posted by ken:
So (in a Christian context) "cult" has overtones of a church that has replaced God with something else.

In my anecdotal experience the replacement item can be the bible. I'll leave the horses unexhumed but I'm beginning to believe 'the love of certainty is a root of evil'.
(from the Purgatory thread, "When your church is really a bit like a cult?")
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
RuthW, on raising one's cultural awareness by reading the Ship:

quote:
Honestly, the only reason I know who John Howard is is because Aussies on the Ship bitch about him.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Another candidate for Ship's tagline:

quote:
Originally posted by Jimmy B:
That's so mean.

I wish I'd said that.


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Zappa made me smile in the "When I was your age" thread in Heaven:

quote:
It's such a relief to know I can't save the world. Or even relate to it.

 
Posted by Petrified (# 10667) on :
 
Mad Geo of Comet

quote:
Your Alaskan, Of course you'll survive in a breakdown. You'd probably know how to eat bark and catch a weasel with your bare teeth and cook it over a fire you lit with two rocks and a pair of high heels.


 
Posted by Izzybee (# 10931) on :
 
Spiffy has given me the new mantra for my current flip-flopping crappy version of faith:

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
instead of saying, "OK, people are pulling stupid stunts in the name of Almighty God, I'm going to do some good and be the best man I can be in the name of Almighty God to balance it out", he tossed the Baby Jesus out with the bathwater.

I have a feeling I've done that lately...
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Some moments just need to be saved for posterity:

quote:
Originally posted by welsh dragon:
quote:
Originally posted by scarletpumpernickel:
So, in that light, I am viewing with untempered disgust the fact that this forum allows a private board dedicated to bondage and sado-masochism[snip]

You can shiver me timbers all day long, but in no uncertain terms, these people need to walk the plank.

Yes. They should be punished! Punished Very Severely! Punished, I say! Punished without regard to mercy...

 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Mousethief in the "I'm not easily offended..." thread in Purg (as opposed to the one in Styx and the one in Hell [Roll Eyes] ):
quote:
Not that my opinion matters a rat's ass, but by symmetry neither does yours.

[Overused] Sig line, anyone?
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Some moments just need to be saved for posterity:
quote:
Yes. They should be punished! Punished Very Severely! Punished, I say! Punished without regard to mercy...

Thanks Kelly (and WD), this made me laugh hard!

[ 20. August 2007, 06:42: Message edited by: comet ]
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Once again, from The Comet in hellion mode!

"doesn't the idea of a whole pack of comet-wolves just sound like too much fun?"

[Overused]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
[Big Grin]
I noticed a chill 'round the ol' inferno and found this:
quote:
Originally posted by dolphy:
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
Stare into my eyes. you're feeling very relaxed. all your stresses melt away.
repeat after me: Hell is nice. It's warm here. I belong with the cool kids in Hell...
[Devil]

[Paranoid] It is warm here. I belong with the cool spankers in Hell.
Just for the record! [Devil]
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
OMG, I am not worthy! [Overused] [Big Grin] [Biased]

(one day I will be a hell host, oh yes!)

[ 20. August 2007, 22:06: Message edited by: dolphy ]
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
comet, once again telling it like it is! :

You'll all just have to start calling me "Your Majesty Queen Creature of the Night"

[Overused]
 
Posted by El Leona (# 12834) on :
 
"Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done."
- Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying

[Paranoid] Ouch!
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
From Tina in Heaven:
quote:
Legend has it that when Victoria and David Beckham were married they had pennants emblazoned with their initials, and couldn't understand why everyone over a certain age was sniggering.

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
quote:
Spiffy, Offended thread in Styx:
Is there anything more to discuss? The OPer has said, "OMG ur not Xtian!" the denziens have replied, "That's nice, who are you again?" and the world has gone back to equilibrium.



[ 23. August 2007, 02:18: Message edited by: Campbellite ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Rarely do I quote an entire post, but I was very moved by this from Irreverentkit:

quote:
While slave owners were reading epistles (Slaves, obey your masters) to their slaves, somehow the slaves that could read got a hold of the Exodus story, and the words of Jesus.

They believed the core of the teaching, that God cares for the widowed and orphaned, that God wants to set people free, and that God died as beaten and abused as any slave ... for that.

The gospel is for underdogs. Underdogs who hear the Gospel, realize this truth. You can be a slave on a plantation, a gay person in the closet or a kid bullied day in and day out at school ...

It keeps you going. It gives you hope.



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...and by this from Mousethief:

quote:
And as a very good preacher once said to me, "If you love your wife more than you love God, it's not because you love your wife too much. It's because you don't love God enough." Without going into the sticky problems differentiating love from indulgence, neediness, etc. -- speaking of real love and not its substitutes, in other words: we never love anybody on this earth as much as they deserve. The balance can't be made right by loving other people less, but only by loving God more.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
RooK is just so good at his job.

quote:
I hope you get stuck in an elevator with piped in Boy Band muzak.

 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
From the Daily Offices Refreshed thread, which recently went into a tangent regarding cats... um, assisting during daily prayer.

quote:
Originally posted by Hart:
Cats can recognize worship -- they got enough of it in Ancient Egypt. What they can't recognize is when it's not directed towards them.


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
ken in the 'Men and Women' thread in Purg

quote:
You don't have to die to lose the evolutionary race, you just have always end up crying in the kitchen at parties

 
Posted by rugasaw (# 7315) on :
 
ken is on a roll. Posted in Pugatory on the human-animal hybrids thread.

quote:
We vertebrates are basically worms lying on our backs and talking out of our arseholes.

 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
He certainly is! Too long to post here in full, but this must be the best account of Scottish history, ever!
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Welease Woderick in the AS: Little Britan thread
quote:
If I go to the office and grab the service manager by any part of his anatomy that seems handy and slap him about, in a Quakerly manner, until he gets his team to go and fix it would that be an unChristian act?

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
PhilA on extra-virgin olive oil (hydrogenated Hell thread):

Bollocks to all this 'Super-extra-never-even-seen-a-picture-of-a-willy-virgin olive oil drizzled slowly over a desiccated Frenchman's left tit' crap.
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
ken again, on education

English secondary schools are not very nice places. They manage to combine a level of intrusive discipline which any decent person would find offensive with the failure of that discipline to actually improve behaviour.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
OliviaG gets to the core of St. Chrysosdom's prayer:
quote:
Where two or three are gathered in His name, it's potluck.
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Pure as the Driven Yellow Snow (# 9397) on :
 
I don't post there often, but sometimes I feel that the prayer thread is the real heart and work of the Ship, and all the rest an entertaining playground.

It's an amazing feeling knowing that there are people praying for me all over the world. There have been times when I have posted, then been able to sleep knowing that someone, somewhere will be praying.


Huia
 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Triple Tiara:
He certainly is! Too long to post here in full, but this must be the best account of Scottish history, ever!

I would say, if you think Scots history began with the Stuarts and ended with the Stuarts, or even centred totally on the Stuarts while they were on the throne, that you suffered Anglican Amnesia, except you are RC, which I thought gave immunity from that particular form.

Jengie
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Och, my blood is Scottish. Admittedly I have not lived in Scotland, but tis still Scots I am. I do not have the prejudices you imagine. But you must admit ken's was a good yarn, no?
 
Posted by Cottontail (# 12234) on :
 
I liked it!
 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Triple Tiara:
Och, my blood is Scottish. Admittedly I have not lived in Scotland, but tis still Scots I am. I do not have the prejudices you imagine. But you must admit ken's was a good yarn, no?

Yes a good yarn but about the Stuart Dynasty, not about Scottish History. I believe a certain John Knox and a few too many martyrs (on both sides) were happened during this dynasty in Scotland and didn't these Stuart's get to be kings and queens of England as well.

Jengie
 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Blessed to be able to claim Scottish ancestry myself, I too was delighted by Ken's fine yarn. Dame Antonia Fraser's Mary, Queen of Scots (fascinating but not nearly so much fun) did give the impression that John Knox really knew how to spoil a cocktail party, but nowadays everybody's got one or two friends like that whom we invite anyway because we like them for other reasons.

Best wishes,

Mary, who looked at portraits in Scotland of people from long ago with my same surname, and was amazed to notice that they all had a nose just like mine! Either the members of our clan have all had this funny nose down the generations, or those folks should have found a better portrait-painter.
 
Posted by Wet Kipper (# 1654) on :
 
Rather than discussing the relative merits of someone's post during a discussion, can we please instead keep this thread for showing exmaples of fine quotes

thanks

Wet Kipper
Circus Host
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Foxymoron has a lightbulb moment, in the Quantum Mechanics and God thread in Purg:

quote:
I feel giddy, in a conceptual sort of way. Thanks very much.

Yer all me besht mates, hic. [Yipee]


 
Posted by dogwonderer (# 12169) on :
 
Golden Key, on Quantum Mechanics and God and Stuff:

quote:
I don't think anyone knows all that much. There are lots of puzzle pieces; and, since we have zillions of ideas of what the whole puzzle looks like, we disagree on how to put it together. We even disagree on whether it's all one puzzle, and whether all the pieces are REAL puzzle pieces.
Deep, but shallow. I love it.
 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
Rook:

The bad people who want to kill you include me. Except I want to do it with a spoon.

Signature material, except I'm too nice. [Angel] [Two face]
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
From churchgeek, in Purg:

quote:
Sin doesn't scare God. God scares sin

 
Posted by Mertseger (# 4534) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
I always give such things a pass at big events, though. Because I believe at big events the MC says, "We can't please everyone, so let's be sure to include at least one thing for everyone of every churchmanship to be kinda cranky about. Then they'll be united in Christian irk.

"United In Christian Irk."

Now, there's a worthy candidate for an SoF marketing tag-line.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Eliab on hair removal, in Hell:
quote:
I don't know why women should not want to look as if they were mammals. Particularly as the tits are such a giveaway.

 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Ken - on space travel, and specifically on the 50th anniversary of the launch of Sputnik 1.

quote:
I know this is Purgatory but for once I would just like to say what I really feel about the OP without any attempt to justify it:


Oh gosh ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow!

[Smile] [Cool] [Cool] [Smile]

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!


Shiny!

[Yipee] [Razz] [Razz] [Yipee]



Pity you don't seem to be able to quote smilies - I get the impression he's a fan, y'know...

AG
 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
From Manipled Mutineer, somewhere in Eccles:
quote:
... with all the respect of a drunken necrophile in a cut-price morgue.

 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Posted by Emma in hell:

'By golly the Ship has changed'.

[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]
 
Posted by Emma. (# 3571) on :
 
[Angel] I'm very slow to notice. Its like watching a kid grow - don't notice they've done it but if you only see them now and then its obvious!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
And just a minor side issue - not a Hell call, not a Heck call even, maybe just a Blimey call...

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Good day for quote collecting:
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I like to get all my news from blogs, especially if for some reason the Fox News website is down.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Yes, I saw that and want to add my own [Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I love when Minimalism trumps 40 pages of dialogue:

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Nostalgia these days isn't as good as it used to be.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Unsurprisingly, Arietty delivers a Zorro- like riposte:

quote:
Originally posted by Arrietty:


Anyone who draws on Terry Pratchett to provide an icon of evil is fluffy to their candyfloss core.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
No place is perfect. But this place is pretty darn good.

[Big Grin]

I'd suggest this for Ship's tagline, but it's a little too Lutheran.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Everybody is being so freaking funny lately. Duchess, on a malfunctioning link:

quote:
I actually sat looking at that link for a moment, looking for something profound. I feel like that guy in Close Encounters of the Third Kind with the plate of mash potatoes.

"This means something."


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
In Eccles, The Silent Acolyte goes from Oxford and the Prayer Book to modern geekdom in one easy bound:
quote:

Noughth Week? Holy Moley. Does that really mean zeroth week. If so, the C Language has older roots than I thought.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
I'm pretty much not much of a fan of any creature where I'm obliged to handle its feces for as long as it lives. Now that I think about it, I'm having difficulty justifying being a Hellhost.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by dogwonderer:
quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
What do atheists shout when they orgasm?

Dawkins! Dawkins! O, Dawkins.... I'm coming!

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Wow, a whole week without quotes. So it's time for:

Amazing Grace in the Styx:
quote:
It would have been better for all involved if people had asked for clarification before doing the standing conclusion longjump.

Solid advice.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Janine offers linguistics in a nutshell:

quote:
English is the bastard result of a Norman Conqueror trying to make a date with a Saxon barmaid.



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
..and you are there!

quote:
when i sit wrong, it makes my butt tingle most uncomfortably.


(from Mousethief)

[ 19. October 2007, 07:35: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Kelly, I could have gone all day without that mental picture. [Eek!]
 
Posted by Cod (# 2643) on :
 
I rather felt the same about;

"Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, put your hands all over my body" Madonna, adapted).

It was a sig. I can't remember whose.
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
..and you are there!

quote:
when i sit wrong, it makes my butt tingle most uncomfortably.


(from Mousethief)
I enjoy seeing my posts quoted in the Quotes file, but this isn't necessarily the one I would have chosen.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
What I have written, I have written
-Pontius Pilate
 
Posted by Catrine (# 9811) on :
 
Karl:LB, once again hits the nail on the head

quote:
...hotdesking, which is Satan's way to get you out of your current job and out of your mind in one go.

 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Revolutionist:
Love is not love that stops at duty's end.

Once in my life (hopefully) I might say something this eloquently. Kudos to T.R.!
 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
From Rook in Purg:

quote:
Omnivorous plus empathic equals quandary

 
Posted by OliviaG (# 9881) on :
 
And from the same thread, comet's argument for vegetarianism:
quote:
lets face it, beans just struggle a lot less.
OliviaG
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
You gotta admire someone with that special gift for turn of phrase.

quote:
Originally posted by Erin:
You'd have to be pretty damned stupid to not realize that a throwing a cigarette butt out the window into dry brush is as much a risk of starting a fire as lighting a match. I mean, too stupid to count your balls and get the same number twice.


 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
In Purgatory, the Beggar thread

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
All false Idols have a down side to worshipping them, a cost (pun intended). Giving money away is a good way of helping to keep Mammon in his proper place.


 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Foaming Draught:
And here's me thinking a myelin sheath was some sort of plastic condom.


 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
IngoB's recipe for world peace:
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
I share your concern. I think it would not be hard to re-write IngoB's list of reasons for affirming Abraham in this matter to justify, for example, religiously motivated terrorist bombings.

If every potential suicide bomber confirmed that he's truly listening to the voice of God by waiting with his attacks until he has successfully impregnated a post-menopausal 90 year old woman by natural means - then I think the world would be a lot more peaceful than it is now. (Except for a few old ladies, admittedly.)
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Adeodatus is on fine form in the Phred Phelps thread in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
While it may be true that if you preach the truth the world will hate you, it doesn't follow that if the world hates you, you must be preaching the truth. The world may be hating you because you're an arse.


 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
What I have written, I have written
-Pontius Pilate
That's what I'm having on my tombstone. Seriously. My last answer to over-enthusiastic editors.

Here's a nice one from Beautiful_Dreamer:


quote:
If you are persecuted for your faith when you haven't done anything, count it a blessing, but if you are being rebuked for being a jerk, that is on you.

 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
Mousethief in the "I'm not easily offended..." thread in Purg (as opposed to the one in Styx and the one in Hell [Roll Eyes] ):
quote:
Not that my opinion matters a rat's ass, but by symmetry neither does yours.

[Overused] Sig line, anyone?
That reads so oddly... like, was the Mousethief telling someone their opinion doesn't matter, that they have an asymetrical ass, or that their ass doesn't matter...?
[Paranoid]
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
Wouldn't you like to know!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Regarding Fred Phelps:

quote:
Originally posted by SearchingForAbsolutes:
If he wasn't a clergyman, I'd think he was manipulative.




 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus (on a thread in Purg on prayer):
Maybe God called me to be a priest because he couldn't trust me to pray if it wasn't actually in my contract ... [Biased]


 
Posted by Manipled Mutineer (# 11514) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Earwig:
Adeodatus is on fine form in the Phred Phelps thread in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
While it may be true that if you preach the truth the world will hate you, it doesn't follow that if the world hates you, you must be preaching the truth. The world may be hating you because you're an arse.


Came down to post just that.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:

That's, like, Freudian on top of Freudian. Like Sigmund Freud sitting in his office listening to you drone on about your dreams of your mother, while he carefully slips a condom on his cigar.


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:

That's, like, Freudian on top of Freudian. Like Sigmund Freud sitting in his office listening to you drone on about your dreams of your mother, while he carefully slips a condom on his cigar.


Ach, you beat me. My keyboard is covered in crisps.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
From Janine in the prayer thread:

quote:
What I want most is a functional brain!
If you find a supplier please let me have the address, I've been looking for years!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(cough)
 
Posted by dogwonderer (# 12169) on :
 
ken:

quote:
Just as I was begining to think that Mormons really weren't crazy mixed-up autocratic anti-Christian sexist racist neo-pagan flat-earthers with their heads up their shaved clean arseholes inside their funny bondage pants - along comes one to spread the word and restore our first impression of the cult.

 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Posted by Matrix on the Rob Bell thread in Purg:
quote:
"Once we've done all the things Jesus explicitly told us to, we'll start pontificating on the stuff he never mentioned"


[ 02. November 2007, 22:20: Message edited by: Esmeralda ]
 
Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by dogwonderer:
ken:

quote:
Just as I was begining to think that Mormons really weren't crazy mixed-up autocratic anti-Christian sexist racist neo-pagan flat-earthers with their heads up their shaved clean arseholes inside their funny bondage pants - along comes one to spread the word and restore our first impression of the cult.

Its really naff commenting on your own quotes in this thread, but I feel honour-bound to try to point out that this deliberatley OTT rant was, in its Hellish context, meant to look rather more ambiguous than it reads when isolated like this. And it certainly does not represent any considered opinion about Mormons (0r anyone else much)
 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
From Welease Woderick

quote:
Ice cream is very good for guilt, I recommend it
Jengie
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
ken in Hell:
quote:
Is this just some Tweedledum-Tweedledee-tweedlediscourse where the words you use communicate nothing because you redefine them to mean whatever you fancy them to mean from moment to moment?
I must find a way to use "tweedlediscourse" in my regular life...
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I have seen the economic light,thanks to Ricardus:

quote:
Originally posted by Ricardus:
In a mixed economy we all screw each other and hope it cancels out in the end ...


 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by OliviaG:
And from the same thread, comet's argument for vegetarianism:
quote:
lets face it, beans just struggle a lot less.
OliviaG
Bunnies struggle more on the way in.

Beans struggle more on the way out.
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
No Estonian Orthodox, if you please thread in Purg...

MouseThief's quote at the end cracked me up the bestest, albeit Sober Preacher's Kid's "Almost Protestant" quote is quite funny as well. Perhaps this comes from me checking out the Orthodox plot on my own, then staying a Prot myself. [Big Grin] -dutch


quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
quote:
Originally posted by Sober Preacher's Kid:
quote:
Mockingbird:
First of all, relations are poor between various jurisdictions and ethnicities. "Barely on speaking terms" is how a friend of mine, who married a Russian Orthodox woman, describes the relationships among various orthodox communities in the U.S.

Almost Protestant, isn't it? [Devil]
Except for the bit about us having identical dogmas and virtually identical worship services, yeah.

 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
From the duchess:

quote:
I have said the same thing to EVERYONE I can...my kidlets, to the friend I lost to being a pot-head...the secret to happiness is helping people. Basically jobs. Every job you do in some small or large way, helps people. There is a blessing inside all people to find happiness in helping others.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Schroedinger's Cat:
quote:
God - if he is from you, thank you, and do you mind if I take him to a charity shop?

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sine instructs us in spelling:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
There, there now. They're not so bad. Although their faux pas can be annoying.


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Thanks, Twilight. I actually was mortified at my very long run-on sentence. Glad you liked it. [Smile]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
"Why did the thread on Pat and Kate in The Amazing Race end up in Dead Horses?"

quote:
Originally posted by Mertseger:
However, I figured that no matter where I started the thread, it would end up here since as a gay, married, female clergy couple they need only start teaching evolution at an abortion clinic while singing "Shine, Jesus, Shine" to achieve full Dead Horse coverage.



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Alternate reality:

quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
I'm still wondering how the hell you call someone to Hell if they spend all their time in Hell anyway.

I mean, supposing I ever wanted to do that.

What would I do, climb up to Heaven and bait them until they show up there, then dare them to be just as insulting and dog-pile-prone as they want to be, but force them to do it with a smile on their lips, a song in their heart, and a bunny in their pocket?


 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
Off-ship... also alternate reality:

"I'm dating the Pope. I'm just using him to get to God." -- Judy Tenuta
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Posted by Ariel in Purg:

quote:
I sometimes wish I could have a tape of silence that I could play at top volume to drown out some of the background noise that you inevitably get in a block of flats, or on public transport.
[Smile]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
From Hugal in Heaven:

quote:
I think I'll give up paying attention to food scares and issue a blanket "Well, we'll die of something, we might as well enjoy the bit where we're still alive."
Amen to that!
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
From Dogwonderer on the "Calling Anoetas" thread in Hell:
quote:
The only place you're likely to satisfy everyone is in a room full of mirrors.
I'm filing this for future use...
 
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
Spiffy, on medieval Catholic religious reformers:

quote:

pretty much the first thing to go after the shoes was luncheon.


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
What? It's true! I'm doing scholarly-type study on the subject!

I actually came down here to post this bit from the current Hell Call, which gave me joy of both a literary and insult-ory nature.

quote:
Originally posted by OliviaG:
quote:
Originally posted by Anoetos:
Now, you can go ahead and call it a "flounce" or whatever other Austenism you may wish to employ but I'm going to declare victory and leave the field and you may all kiss my nether regions.

You know, Jane Austen's novels are available as searchable e-texts on the internet, and the word "flounce" does not appear in any of the six major works. Your nether regions obviously contain everything you know about Austen: shit-all. OliviaG

 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze
Frankly the last thing you want in a dairy product is epistemological uncertainty.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ah, shit Gwai, you beat me to it.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
aj provides technical support in Heaven:
quote:
If you step on the cable carefully (the ethernet cable between the modem and the router) you can slow down the speed, in a similar way to when you step on a water hose the water pressure at the end drops. Problem is, when you take your foot off, the data that had built up around the squeezed bit can all hurtle down in one go, leaving you with a security patch, a McAfee update and the latest `must have' rendition of iTunes all in one go, before you've even responded to the first bobbing MSN messages for the day.

Not snappy enough for a sig, but advice worth keeping around nonetheless.
 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
Ken likens praying the rosary to personal hygiene, love it!

quote:
So working though five mysteries worth of meditation at a sitting would be a substantial part of your day, an hour or more, but doing one a day might be not much more time than brushing your spiritual teeth.

 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
From the Nestorians thread in Purg, this lovely quote from Liverpool Fan

Turns out I'm a 100% Pelaganist, or however one spells it.

Well I'll be damned.

 
Posted by Callan (# 525) on :
 
This, from Alogon, was priceless:

quote:
Isn't it strange: when the U.S. government gives aid to a poor American, the result is indolence. But when Hamas gives aid to a poor Palestinian, the result is a fanatical devotion even unto death, that makes the world tremble. We just can't win, can we?

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
In All Saints: I'm Confused thread
quote:
originally posted by Janine:
You make yourself sound like you can't even muster up enough faith to be a good atheist.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I'm seriously considering making this my sig:

quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
Here's how I've managed to get through this thread:

(1) Read post. Feel blood pressure start to rise from anger.

(2) Think to myself, "liturgical dance."
[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Pete Canada tried to post this one but it got lost:

Crooked Cucumber:


quote:

If God had wanted us to be a bunch of miserable, po-faced gits, he'd have made us all atheist

I may make that my signature!
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
In a rather redonk Hell call, a glimmer of light appears:

quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by Trin:
Are we allowed enemies?

We must be because if we couldn't have any we wouldn't be commanded to love them [Hot and Hormonal]

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Speaking of a scary-assed son-of-a- huckabee:


quote:
Originally posted by comet:
... geez he's like his own halloween costume.

you could threaten children with him.

"eat all your veggies or David Huckabee will get you!"


 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
In the 2008 Death Pool thread from our one and only Campbellite:

quote:
Michael Jackson - Where but in America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman?
[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]

[ 26. December 2007, 15:08: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Infinite Monkey in Heaven:


quote:
I think pretty much EVERYONE does Hallelujah better than Leonard Cohen--his lyrics are genius, but his voice sometimes sounds like he was sucking on the bottom of a fish tank while he waited for the mic to show up.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by dogwonderer:
quote:
Originally posted by neil.pars:
there are countless disused or local christian recipes covering much of the year
as the year is largely a secular food zone
does anyone have (or want to create) date/person specific recipes

I have a date recipe. Date and walnut cake. But it may not be nutty enough for you.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Kelly, on Tiger management, in Hell:
quote:

Any agency that doesn't adequately prepare itself for human stupidity is bound to wind up in deep shit at some point.

I so wish this could be the signature line on my work email.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(whyshucks. [Hot and Hormonal] )

Ordinarily, I don't like to select quotes that single folk out, but as the target of this particular bon mot from Rook has shown a wonderful sense of humor about the issue in question, I'm trusting he'll smile at this:

quote:
Wha?

wubba wubba wubba (shaking head vigorously)

Max is not only talking about something other than a self-involved view of religion, but doing so in a manner that is, by all appearances, sensible and reasonable. I'm not sure whether to be affirming or to check for signs of his recent emergence from an alien pod. Has he really grown so much?

Quick, Max: I've just recieved a blessed sacramental wafer from a catholic priest, and I'm about to stuff it in my pocket and walk to the satanist bus stop... What do you do?


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Sine, on the Gort thread in Hell:

quote:
Nothing is as it appears these days. Nothing. You think it's your charm and sex appeal turning them on but it's actually Levitra.


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
Kelly, on Tiger management, in Hell:
quote:

Any agency that doesn't adequately prepare itself for human stupidity is bound to wind up in deep shit at some point.

I so wish this could be the signature line on my work email.
It's wonderful, isn't it! I think I'll cross refer it to the Wycliffe Hall thread ...
 
Posted by Jimmy B (# 220) on :
 
Mm. RuthW on 'nice':
"Nevertheless, being nice is highly over-rated."

[Not sure I agree, but, it is snappy.]

[ 09. January 2008, 00:54: Message edited by: Jimmy B ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spong:
Why, Lord? Why do you do it? Why do you let these idiots latch on to half a dozen verses of Scripture and proclaim themselves the True Believers (TM)?

Why do we have to go through it every damn time one of them discovers this board and thinks 'Wow, here are a whole load of people who are In Error, and I can teach them the True Path, even though I am an epsilon submoron with the IQ of a gnat and the emotional intelligence of a piece of 4 by 2?'

And how, Lord, how is it that you give them brains, and eyes, and ears, and hearts, and all of that, and they think 'Now what will make these people realise that they are In Error? I know - I'll put up some hackneyed bit of codswallop from Charismatics 101 that they have all seen a hundred times before, but my amazing powers of persuasion will mean that the scales will fall from their eyes, even though I do it in the most insulting way possible.'

Why Lord? Is this some sort of test? Because if so, I'm sorry but I've failed again...

[Waterworks] with [Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by OliviaG:
I could really, really use a drink... OliviaG

Honey, you're host material.
 
Posted by mrs whibley (# 4798) on :
 
From apprentice jackanapes on the 'Christians and drunkenness' thread:
quote:
Re: "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery"

I spent years looking for this particular vintage but generally found only "...wine, which leads to self pity, rejection and hangovers", so I gave up. [Paranoid]

Fabulous!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Banner Lady:
US election coverage is certainly in overdrive - everywhere - even downunder. After watching the primaries and Hilary Clinton win; my husband turned to me and said "If a black American was elected as President I reckon he'd be assassinated within a year. And it would be the FBI that did it."

I had no idea he knew so much about American politics...


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
A RooK masterpiece from the Gort thread

quote:
It's like Hell sometimes has the power to transform people into 6-year-olds with a sugar high and not enough sleep.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Our Spiffy on Literature:
quote:
Ah, Laurell K. Hamilton. I was a fan of her books, particularly the Anita Blake series (wherein the lead character is a half German half Mexican short, fat, heavily armed Episcopalian. I've thought about suing her for royalties).

 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
LydaRose, on the "Good songs ruined by bad grammar" (or whatever it's called) thread in Heaven, during a discussion of the song, "What if God was one of us?"

quote:
As for God being a slob, perhaps the ubiquitous entropy of Creation might be considered a red flag.

 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
SpikeyPants on the Mondegreens thread in Heaven:

quote:
Four hundred children? No wonder Lucille left him!

 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Ian Climacus on the Welcome in Eccles thread:

quote:
And if some fool blasts you, or rolls their eyes, because St Pretentious of Wankville didn't mention it in his book An Exact Guide to How Worship Must Be Celebrated to be Acceptable Before the Face of the Almighty and Any Deviations Shall Send You to the Place Where The Worm Devours and the Fire is Never Quenched, [revision 2.1354, 33 A.D., Self-Righteous Press], tell them to get stuffed:

 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
On the Eccles folks' outing in Hell, Living in Gin compares both ends of the spectrum of liturgical intolerance:

quote:

The fact that you were born with a large altar candle up your arse instead of a King James Bible doesn't make you any less of an insufferable prick.


 
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
A wonderful description of Hell from amber32002:

quote:

I've seen Hell... It reminds me of the wrestling matches on the tele where you wonder if the whole things's fake but you still don't want to be in the ring...


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
On the Eccles folks' outing in Hell, Living in Gin compares both ends of the spectrum of liturgical intolerance:

quote:

The fact that you were born with a large altar candle up your arse instead of a King James Bible doesn't make you any less of an insufferable prick.


Dammit, Geek ya beat me .
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Did you notice this gem from LATA in Hell?

quote:
I'm a big fan of sin. It prevents a heck of a lot of bitterness later in life.

Now that's a thought to conjure with!
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
On the C******* and Fucking thread in Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
And lo, the LORD did place a collect call to SIMON. And, after SIMON accepted the charges, the LORD said unto SIMON, "Build Us a SHIP, so that all who love Us can quibble endlessly about meaningless shit. It makes Us laugh."


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by PhilA:
From comment #21 in the link in the OP:
quote:
They’re bullies, and they don’t realize that most normal people find humor in the frailties of the strong. Bullies, on the other hand, think that the frailties of the weak are hilarious.
I think sums it up very well indeed.

 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Zach82, on yet another pointless Hell thread:
quote:

I don't like lima beans, ferrets, or chunky peanutbutter... perhaps I should start a hell thread...


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Lamp Chopped, in Heaven, on a thread about dreams:
quote:
I didn't want the dragon. Or maybe I should say, I felt a bit sorry for it, but I didn't want to have to take care of it. But I got stuck with her.

I once got a Chihuahua in much the same way. In real life, I mean. And a rooster.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Sorry to double-post, but I just spotted this gem by Rossweisse in Purg thread (Rudy Giuliani).
quote:
Sometimes nothing but overstatement will do.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Dang, I get quoted here for the weirdest things. And after all my gems of wisdom, too. [Snigger]
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Lamb Chopped, if helps, I quoted you (out of context) to my sister where you said.
quote:
Someone gave me a dragon last night. I was pissed.
She was impressed.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
[Killing me] I'm glad to note you're from Chicago. If you had been one of our Brit shipmates, "pissed" would have an entirely different (but appropriate) meaning!
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
OTOH, what else can one do to cope with the unexpected gift of a dragon? [Killing me]
J
writing from Texas
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
By Mostly Noble Pixels in a (whispering tentatively) Hell thread.

quote:
Shine, don't whine; you'll be just fine.

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Sorry for this triple post, but I have difficulty resisting this temptation.
quote:
It's a corrupted fertility festival. Pass me some chocolate.
by RooK, in Hell.
Makes me wonder if he's okay, requesting chocolate.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
This about the Exclusive Brethren from Matt Black deserves preservation for all of us who understand it. Concerns calling out hymn numbers in services of worship.

quote:
Originally posted by Matt Black:
Same with the Exclusives, except the old ladies wouldn't have done the bingo-style calling (as they don't have willies) and no organ (double-entendre intended).



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
***EGO MOMENT. DEAL.****

Dammit, this is one of the funnier things I have ever written on the Ship, and I am doggone well preserving it:

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:


When I first joined the Ship, we had a thread in which people gave the title of their autobiographies-- mine was The Definition of Insanity; or, If The Raven Keeps Saying 'Nevermore', Why Do You Keep Asking It So Many Goddamn Questions?

Nowadays it would be more like I Seriously Don't Give A Fuck: My Journey of Self-Acceptance.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Getting lots of mileage for this out of Hell...
quote:
Don't bother answering, 'cause my giveadamn's broke.
Courtesy of Spiffy da WonderSheep
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
Oh, thank you Spiffy! You're my best source. I'm still using your "What to the power of ever".
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by art dunce:
Arrogance masquerading as false humility is yucky.

(From a thread on the importance of not "indoctrinating" one's children into believing something the OP finds untrue.)
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
*blushes*

It's actually a quote from a Jo Dee Messina song, titled "My Give a Damn's Busted".


quote:
Well, I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin'.
Let me dig a little deeper:
No, I'm sorry.
Just nothin', you know.
You've really done it this time, ha, ha.
My give-a-damn's busted.


 
Posted by Josephine (# 3899) on :
 
From Anna B, in Hell:
quote:
I may not be chaste, but at least I do not have St. Jacqueline of Farmington confused with Monica Lewinsky.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
ken from The Bible Non-stop: Genesis thread:
quote:
God promised he would never wipe everything out in one go again. And the world will carry on turning for as long as it exists, and there is going to be weather and plants and food and stuff like that, pretty much however bad people got.

God was so pleased with this new policy deal that he announced it twice, having already told everyone about it in the previous chapter. And then he signed both sides of the agreement himself, because he is God and so he can get away with that sort of thing. He didn't sign it on paper but on the sky. In big bright glowing colours, which is only possible because he designed the laws of physics just right so that it would work. Being God, he can get away with that sort of thing as well. And he does like to show off a little bit now and again.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
infinite_monkey from the Hellish This is not.... just.... Easter tat....
quote:
Let my Peephole go!

Oops, wrong Testament.

Triggers images of Charlton Heston carved out of a Yellow Peep, making the above demand to an Easter Dalek carved into the shape of Yul B.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ya gotta love Old testament humor.

Every time I read this, it cracks me up:

quote:
Originally posted by BWSmith:
And Shem was Abraham's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. Gen 11:10-26


 
Posted by Ahleal V (# 8404) on :
 
I think this particular Hellpost sums up why I love the Ship.

x

AV

quote:
Originally posted by ken:

Myrrh: I believe in God and I think priests are good.

TT: so do I

Myrrh: No you don't you are a Roman Catholic, Roman Catholics believe in a different God, the Divine Arnold, a giant plastic lobster at the bottom of the garden who eats Jewish babies for breakfast so that they can go to Hell unbaptised. And they have pretend priests who go around play-acting Jesus Christ and trying to conquer the world.

TT: No, we believe in the same God as you and our priests are pretty much the same as yours as well.

Myrrh:
But the Blessed Father David Danielovich Kaminsky wrote:
quote:

The Visigoths in Spain abandoned their Arian heresy and became nominally Orthodox, but in fact they were whoring after an intriguing combination of crunchy shredded vegetables, salty Chinese sausage and oyster sauce rolled in whole-wheat pancakes. Because of this, in the Last Days when the Master of all Masters comes back, those fake priests will fail to get out of their barnacles and put they'll be in the hot cocolorum for ever!

TT: No, we really do believe in God and we really do have priests and I'm not pretending to be anything.

Myrrh: Your "god" is not really God at all but a seafood dish popular among dockworkers in fifth-century Carthage. As the Holy Magnus Bollokides of Machynlleth wrote:

quote:

About 666 AD the monks of Athos revealed to the world a recipe handed down to them from the Apostles in person containing mayonnaise, celery, and fresh burned heretic placed on a heated hot-dog roll that has come to be known as the "Famous Fanar Island Heretic Roll". This shows that God pours His grace upon mankind, and has done so from the beginning. God has been moving towards us the whole time, unless we are Catholic Serb-murdering lying scumbags of the sort who started the First World War in order to spread Frankish corruption over Romanity. We keep backing away from God, that's the real theology of Sin. But he will catch up to all of us (all that is who aren't pseudo-Protestant Western commy pinko bastards) no matter what we say (other than the evil "filioque" of course), its just whether or not we've decided to move towards him or keep backing away that's going to determing what the experience is like - either theosis or being burned alive in a pit of raw prawns with sharpened nippers while begging castrated Augustinian monks to piss on you. That's why a bright light shines over Pelagius's grave even though the Bishop of Cape Cod warned that it is "heresy to go about with such tales". Religion is a neurobiological sickness with a specific cure of simply divine whole fried clams handed down by the prophets and soux-chefs of Orange and Marseilles, which those whose brains are infected by the Augustinan virus cannot even think about without exploding in a fountain of Calvinist puss

TT: I suspect that that might not be from an entirely reliable source.

Myrrh: Fucking liar of a pseudopriest! You only say that because you hate me and want to pretend to be Orthodox to insult my mother's grave! I'm going to tell on you in Hell you EVIL STALKER!!!!!!!



[ 04. February 2008, 18:03: Message edited by: Ahleal V ]
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
From Moth in Purgatory.
quote:
Just as I should never be allowed to arrange flowers (no artistic eye for it all) they should never arrange their own romances.

 
Posted by J Whitgift (# 1981) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ahleal V:
I think this particular Hellpost sums up why I love the Ship.

x

AV

quote:
Originally posted by ken:

Myrrh: I believe in God and I think priests are good.

TT: so do I

Myrrh: No you don't you are a Roman Catholic, Roman Catholics believe in a different God, the Divine Arnold, a giant plastic lobster at the bottom of the garden who eats Jewish babies for breakfast so that they can go to Hell unbaptised. And they have pretend priests who go around play-acting Jesus Christ and trying to conquer the world.

TT: No, we believe in the same God as you and our priests are pretty much the same as yours as well.

Myrrh:
But the Blessed Father David Danielovich Kaminsky wrote:
quote:

The Visigoths in Spain abandoned their Arian heresy and became nominally Orthodox, but in fact they were whoring after an intriguing combination of crunchy shredded vegetables, salty Chinese sausage and oyster sauce rolled in whole-wheat pancakes. Because of this, in the Last Days when the Master of all Masters comes back, those fake priests will fail to get out of their barnacles and put they'll be in the hot cocolorum for ever!

TT: No, we really do believe in God and we really do have priests and I'm not pretending to be anything.

Myrrh: Your "god" is not really God at all but a seafood dish popular among dockworkers in fifth-century Carthage. As the Holy Magnus Bollokides of Machynlleth wrote:

quote:

About 666 AD the monks of Athos revealed to the world a recipe handed down to them from the Apostles in person containing mayonnaise, celery, and fresh burned heretic placed on a heated hot-dog roll that has come to be known as the "Famous Fanar Island Heretic Roll". This shows that God pours His grace upon mankind, and has done so from the beginning. God has been moving towards us the whole time, unless we are Catholic Serb-murdering lying scumbags of the sort who started the First World War in order to spread Frankish corruption over Romanity. We keep backing away from God, that's the real theology of Sin. But he will catch up to all of us (all that is who aren't pseudo-Protestant Western commy pinko bastards) no matter what we say (other than the evil "filioque" of course), its just whether or not we've decided to move towards him or keep backing away that's going to determing what the experience is like - either theosis or being burned alive in a pit of raw prawns with sharpened nippers while begging castrated Augustinian monks to piss on you. That's why a bright light shines over Pelagius's grave even though the Bishop of Cape Cod warned that it is "heresy to go about with such tales". Religion is a neurobiological sickness with a specific cure of simply divine whole fried clams handed down by the prophets and soux-chefs of Orange and Marseilles, which those whose brains are infected by the Augustinan virus cannot even think about without exploding in a fountain of Calvinist puss

TT: I suspect that that might not be from an entirely reliable source.

Myrrh: Fucking liar of a pseudopriest! You only say that because you hate me and want to pretend to be Orthodox to insult my mother's grave! I'm going to tell on you in Hell you EVIL STALKER!!!!!!!


[Killing me]

(And yet at the same time soo true.)
 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
ken again, on enjoying a Hillsong hymn, on the in the Good modern worship songs thread:
quote:
And - I'm sorry about this - I'm really really sorry - in fact I-confess-to-Almighty-God-and-to-you-Shipmates -here-present-that-I-have-fallen-short-in-my-music -and-my-lyrics-in-what-I-have -sung-and-what-I-have-left-unsung-and-I-ask -blessed-Johan-Sebastian-Bach-and -all-the-Choir-of-Angels-and-you-too-fellow-Ship mates-to-pray-for-me -to-the-Lord-our-God-May-almighty-God-have -mercy-on-us-forgive-us-our-lack-of -musical-bad-taste-and-bring -us-to-everlasting-harmony -with-the-saints-harping-on- before-the-Throne-Eternal - did I say I was sorry?

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
RooK, while talking about ostracism:
quote:
Ding ding ding! Gort wins the cupie doll.

I believe my particular loathing of those who voted for Dubya has been well-documented on these boards. Sick, twisted idiots, the lot of you.


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
Sine, on Jackie Collins' novels:

quote:
They're great fun. It's the kind of thing you'd like if you like that kind of thing.

 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
The Bible, Non-stop ... Swish

That's a bit rough. Some passages are quite dull and ordinary, really.
 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
ooops - wrong thread [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Zappa - I found a way for you to redeem yourself. From the thread questioning why a shipmate posts in Eccles.
quote:
...obscurantist wank music is not an altogether uplifting vehicle of gospel-joy
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
RooK, in Hell, obviously:

quote:
You need to be bludgeoned sensible with a big ol' knobby stick of Fuck You.

 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Bean Sidhe, on why the Ship is so addictive:

quote:
It's the adrenaline, the drama, the sex... and then you realise, even Eccles isn't the whole of it.
Made me laugh out loud, and scare the cat.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
More great moments in finding a SOFV Genesis. Isaac's prayer, as regarbled:

quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:

Anyway, Isaac prayed about this saying "Father God, I just wanna say that I really wanna have a kid and your daughter Rebekah wants to have a kid, and I just wanna say, Father God, that I thank you for laying it on my heart to want a kid, and on your daughter Rebekah's heart to want a kid, and Father God, if it's your will, could you make it so that sometime when your daughter Rebekah and I are playing hide the salami, that we could get a bun in the oven?"




 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Joyeux:
Zappa - I found a way for you to redeem yourself.

Phew.
[Yipee]
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Left at the Altar on the Aboriginal Hell Thread:

I reckon there are two Jesus fellas. The first one is the one most of you look up to. Quiet. Considered. Smart.

Then there's Party Boy Jesus, who recruited the Sydney Evangelicals, and all their ilk.

Party Boy Jesus is the kind of guy who starts Mexican Waves at the footy and the cricket and says "Wey-heeeyyyy, I am the waaaaayyyy lads" and all his new followers go, "Wey-heeeey" and forever do Mexican Waves for Jesus. And they go around trying their hardest to make everyone like them, annoying the piss out of the rest of humanity.

And the day after a recruiting like this, Jesus can be seen up in Heaven, holding his throbbing head in his hands and saying, "Faaaarkkk. Why did I have those last 7 beers?". And God looks at him and says, "You've got to stop bringing people like this back home, son."

But it's too late. The Party Boy Jesus recruits are on the loose. And they're bloody annoying.



[ 13. February 2008, 20:29: Message edited by: Spiffy da WonderSheep ]
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
It's a day apart, it's not a double post!

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel, in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by daisydaisy:
How many shoppers have you seen demonstrating outside the supermarkets on Christmas Eve demanding they be able to buy hot cross buns or Easter Daleks?

Easter Daleks? [Ultra confused]

From the Book of Who:

And after the Doctor had been shot by the Daleks, his sorrowing companions put him in the Tardis and went off into space. And on the third day, he came out of the Zero Room and showed himself to them, saying "It's me, I've regenerated." And they were confused, because he didn't look anything like the last Doctor. But he convinced them it was him, and that what they must now do was exterminate the Daleks.

And they went to Skaro and blew it up and this is why we have Daleks at Easter now, for the Doctor said, "I wish I hadn't done that, I'm going to miss them," and the faithful Martha or Rose or somebody took pity on him and replied, "O Doctor, thou art wise, but I bet they'll be back in the autumn. But meanwhile here is a chocolate cake in the shape of one." And since then people on Earth have always had Daleks at Easter, and there are demonstrations outside supermarkets when stocks run out.


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
There is an absolutely priceless, deadpan exchange to be witnessed in the There Will Be Blood thread in heaven:

quote:
Originally posted by Mamacita:
Is the film terribly violent?

quote:
Posted in response by Questia:
Well, there was blood...

I can't be the only one to find the combination of the title of the movie and that exchange about it to be screamingly, inadvertently funny.
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
Yet another of many reasons why I flock with the individual, independent congregations of the churches of Christ. It is a little harder for us to become a mega-million-dollar pervasive unstoppable juggernaut of boobs screeching "duh, them ignorant savages need to have their culture wiped out and become Just Like Us or else they can't get to Heaven".


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Posted by Louise in Dead Horses:
quote:
The First Rule of Conservative Fight Club is you do NOT talk about What God Does With The Biscuits.
I want a bumper sticker that says this.
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Autenrieth Road in Heaven
quote:
I must project a strong aura of "I will never knowingly swim in a pool that has had a dead rat in it."

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Lamb Chopped
quote:
It's terrifying, and what's worse, it's boring.
in Heaven, referring to dreams.
 
Posted by mrs whibley (# 4798) on :
 
Lamb Chopped is on a roll - this time from Purg.
quote:
I know that when I've been most conscious of the Holy Spirit preventing me from grinding up Mr. Annoying in my cavernous marble jaws, those around me simply said, "She's a nice person." GRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrr. As if.

 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
I thought someone would have got here before me with this, from Lady in Red on the 'Why are Christians so boring?' thread:

quote:
Jesus didn't die just so that we could have ugly fridge-magnets

 
Posted by CuppaT (# 10523) on :
 
I liked this from up in Styx:

quote:
Originally posted by jlg:


The Ship is, and always has been, replete with murky gray areas. Hell spills a bit into Eccles and Purg; Heavenly bunnies and Purgatroidal lecturers invade Hell; Kerygmania sneaks into Purg; Dead Horses (real or imagined) pop up everywhere!

It's just the way it is.


 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
JonJ on the EU:

quote:
The European Federation, sounds good, a bit like Star Trek - I'm in. "Captain, the Klingons have stolen our butter mountain."

[Killing me] [Overused]
 
Posted by Athrawes (# 9594) on :
 
From Rowan, in All Saints

Sadly, when one puts one's glasses on, one finds life a lot clearer, but more boring...
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Y'know, there should be a "guideline' that when there are 3 notworthy's after a post, it automatically gets Quotesfiled.

quote:
Originally posted by ken:
Guidelines are for wimps and lawyers!

All we have to do is make sure that on the one hand we sensibly stick to the tried and tested principles laid down by precedent without falling into the trap of rigid adherence to unneccessarily and artificially inflexible regulation; whilst on the other hand we excercise the responsibilty of adult freedom in a creative, imaginitive, and caring manner whilst taking care not to lose our way in the potentially chaotic morass of choices opened up by the unhelpful indulgence of wasteful licence.



[ 08. March 2008, 03:27: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Ooh, a gem from Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard, after an argument with Freddy:

quote:
Bugger. You're right aren't you. And persistently gracious even though you're WRONG. Sod you.

 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Faust, in his/her Hell thread about perishable diaphragms:
quote:
Oh, indeed, I was sorely tempted. But down-weighed with failure from previous ‘mendings’, I stayed my twitchy hand and sagely committed to sleep upon it. (I tossed and turned fitfully as my rapid eyes moved across a fantastical lurid scene of gaping flanges and pipes bulging with scalding hot liquids, which burst ruinously through membranous dams to flood lush forested valleys). I awoke, calling out and drenched in cold sweat, profoundly exhausted, and called Bob the Plumber. A real man knows his limits.
For some reason, I derived undue enjoyment from that.

AG
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
Sine Nomine, in the Be a Better Troll Hell thread:

quote:

(Of course there is the school of thought that says I should treat them like they were Jesus in disguise but the last time I tried that to a homeless person at church he got obstreperous and we had to have the police come take him off in a patrol car - which just proves something. I'm not sure what - Of course Jesus was taken off in a patrol car too, metaphorically speaking, so there you go. I guess we did treat him like Jesus.)


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Mirrizin in Purgatory describes another of those wacky irregular verbs:

quote:
I have strong principles that I think are non-negotiable.
You have strong opinions that I believe are unreasonable.
He/She/It is a fundamentalist.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sorry for the length of this one, but sometimes you want to preserve an exchange just to reassure yourself later that you did indeed read it:

quote:
Originally posted by Saint Hedrin the Lesser-Known:
quote:
Originally posted by St.Silas the carter:
quote:
Originally posted by Max.:
Ooh - I have another one.

Youth Minister at my old Secondary School did communion at our CU (I wasn't happy with that in the first place) but he did it with Twix Bars and Cherryade!

As people ate the twix bars (I refused) he said "Think of the Crucifixion, the bones breaking and the pain - this is what he meant by "This is my Body""

And as people drank the Cherryade he said similar stuff about blood outpoured!

It was cringeworthy and he promised never to do it again whilst I was around!


Max

I thought there weren't any broken bones in the crucifixion?
Anyway, I managed to nearly smash a thurible on the bottom step of the sanctuary a week ago! But I have a good excuse for making mistakes with the incense.

There were no broken bones, per the prophecy. So the use of the Twix™ bars was wrong with the reference to the bones. I would have used Ritz Bits myself.... [Biased]



 
Posted by Conte Oberto (# 9004) on :
 
Sine Nomine in the "Romans" thread in Hell, to IngoB:
quote:
So much high moral tone must lead to an explosion sooner or later.

 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
IngoB, to Sine Nomine, also in the "Romans" thread in Hell:
quote:
Frankly, my depravity-o-meter hardly twitches for this vanilla stuff. Fuck a dead goat on an altar in front of a kindergarten audience, or something... Be more creative. There must be a "Depravity for Dummies" book to get you started.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Leave it to Spiffy to top the Twix Bar story:

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
quote:
Originally posted by JArthurCrank:
No, but I know of an extant video where a [blah blah blah] dropped the Body of Christ down the ample exposed cleavage of a bride's dress and fished it out himself[.]

Been there, had that done to me... but after a shared look with Deacon (who did the dropping), I fished the MSBaBoOLaSJC out myself.

And before you ask, no, I wasn't wearing a particularly low-cut shirt. Women of a Certain Endowment (such as myself) pretty much present a clear target for dropped foodstuffs, whether they're eating at a restaurant or kneeling to receive on the tongue.

(And no, I didn't burn my bra, neither.)


 
Posted by Conte Oberto (# 9004) on :
 
String of three from "Romans"

quote:
quote:
------------------------------
one-man Sin of Pride Parade
------------------------------
I bet the dance music isn't very good at that parade.
------------------------------
And the only dancing allowed is choreographed by Ingo himself.


 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
From Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard, on An Anglican Question:
quote:
Reading less and relying on heretics sanctified with the mold of millenia isn't an improvement, but does tend to make one more liberal.

 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Choirboy:
Have you seen what these people do to natural resources? If anyone calls you a human resource - RUN!


 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
On the Romans thread in Hell
quote:
Originally posted by Yerevan:
That pretty much sums it up. I'm not going to start on the Vatican until I manage to be something other than "a disgrace and a blot on Christendom" myself. That could take a while...


 
Posted by Conte Oberto (# 9004) on :
 
The Romans thread in Hell is productive of memorable quotes, huh?
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Another one from the Romans thread. The identity of the one being mocked isn't the issue here, but GCL has parodied superbly:

quote:
The thread should be about over, the cherry is on the cake Foaming at the Mouth has given his two cents on Catholics, he always eventually shows up. Here Foamy Foamy Foamy!! Come out come out wherever you are! It's 2,000 variations on why he has no use for Catholic folks. It's kinda like pouring maple syrup or treacle on the kitchen floor and wait for the ants.


[ 17. March 2008, 12:54: Message edited by: Triple Tiara ]
 
Posted by caty the southerner (# 11996) on :
 
On the Female Priests thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
My mother always told me a true lady could (and would) completely eviscerate a person without resorting to physical violence. I try to live up to her teachings as much as possible, but sometimes find the directness of a well-loaded handbag to various portions of anatomy much more satisfying.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I like your style, churchgeek.


quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
I have no problem agreeing with the Pope, when he's right. [Razz]



 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
ken, about coffee
quote:
The chains are tightening around the city! We are under siege! Our way of life is in danger! They are closing down our pubs and replaing them with cheap plastic copies of airport catering outlets. Resist Starbucks! Death to the Franchises!

 
Posted by Conte Oberto (# 9004) on :
 
Lamb Chopped about being called names from the Romans thread in Hell:
quote:
Frankly, I don't mind being called a heretic and a schismatic. Or Schismatick. Or whatever.

As long as you aren't coming to burn me at the stake, I'm content to let the Lord sort it out. (Get away with that gasoline...)

:
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Og: Thread Killer about being a better troll

quote:
I despise bad trolls...they are worth playing tether troll with.

 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Iole Nui:
Patience followed by violence seems to be the way to handle wet electrical goods.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
adso, in Heaven

quote:
I'd rather have a large bar of Dairy Milk without the plastic packaging. You get to be more eco-friendly and get more chocolate.
I heartily agree!
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Zappa, on Easter Joy in AS:
quote:
Christ is risen. Sometimes I'm buggered if I know what it all means, but it seems pretty good to me.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
DmpInJeff, on the way to handle those who steal from you...

quote:
Then I daydream of how, in the spirit of Christian charity, I could reach out to the poor thief... and kick the crap out of him.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
"Wherever two or more of you are gathered in my name, so I am there in your midst." Does that work?
-------------------------------------------------

If I were a bigger person, it would -- certainly it works for my definition of the Body of Christ. But I'm both weak and petty, so I want a few other things in the church I attend, such as some like-minded fellow parishioners, Anglican liturgy, and music that doesn't make me want to hurl.

(honest comment by RuthW)
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
On the Coffee Culture thread in Heaven, Lumpy da Moose gives us words to live by:
quote:
Life is just too damn short for crap coffee. Get the good stuff.

 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
Some excellent advice for people of all ages.

quote:
Originally posted by ken:

First lunch. Then party. Then bed. On any day of the week.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I love this thread so much.

quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:
"Simeon and Levi, the two of you suck so much you're together just about maybe worth one son, so I'm going to tell the two of you together straight out: you suck. You thought I'd forgotten that slaughtering of the Shechemites thing, didn't you? No such luck. You're not going to get to live gathered together like your brothers' descendants; no, you're going to be scattered all over."

Genesis 49:5-7


 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Hugal, in a thread on a well-known TV chef (Delia, for thr brits amongst us).

quote:
I have to admit seeing her use canned minced beef feels like catching the Pope with a porn mag.


AG
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
The theology geek in me loves this sort of in-joke...

Hart explains what REALLY happened on the Emmaus thread (which bumped forward when someone posted and then withdrew their post):

quote:
They didn't delete it; as soon as you understood the post, it disappeared from sight.

 
Posted by Auntie Doris (# 9433) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
Hugal, in a thread on a well-known TV chef (Delia, for thr brits amongst us).

quote:
I have to admit seeing her use canned minced beef feels like catching the Pope with a porn mag.


AG
I laughed out loud at that comment. In the middle of the office which meant I had some funny looks directed my way. Again.

Auntie Doris x
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
quote:
But -- I will accept parents' "faith-only, prayer-only" stance about their kids' health, when they also stand and pray over their plumbing, their cars and their pest control problems. Rather than calling a plumber, a mechanic and The Bug Man, I mean
by Janine, in Hell.
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
A series (almost a call-and-response) going on in Hell at the moment, starting with Arietty:
quote:
Yes, but are we completely sure RooK isn't the Pope?
Spiffy adds:
quote:
At the very least the Popemobile would be cool once again.
RooK's reply:
quote:
What kind of sockpuppet personality do you think the Pope might assume on The Ship? If poster on The Ship is a secret presentment of the Supreme Pontiff, it's Siné.
...
The Pope might secretly desire to express crassness and vulgarity, but I doubt he wants to pretend to be stupid.

(sorry for the double post, but I had to catch this exchange!)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Girls on Film:

quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
I hated Moulin Rouge all the painful way through. It was so dull, I picked off a hang nail.




[ 31. March 2008, 02:56: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This gave me a chuckle:

quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:
It's all fun and games until someone tries to immanentize the eschaton. [Paranoid]


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
A pithy summary in another Hell thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
Oh dear. The fewer people care about something, the deeper they seem to care. Hooray for blogs.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
From the same thread, mousethief

quote:
Four stupids don't make a smart.
(So many of the best quotes come from Hell. Has anyone else noticed that?)
 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
quote:
I don't care if you carry your bollocks in a wheelbarrow. If you wanna be called Sheila, it's "Yes, Ma'm" for me.
From Gort, naturally [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
On the Max thread in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Linguo:
It's a pretty damn proficient attention whore who can have a five-page thread still running more than a week after his departure. [Roll Eyes]


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Girls on Film:

quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
I hated Moulin Rouge all the painful way through. It was so dull, I picked off a hang nail.



Yay! I made it through here with something true from my past! [Axe murder] [Yipee]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Didja like the Duran Duran reference? Didja, didja? [Big Grin]
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Didja like the Duran Duran reference? Didja, didja? [Big Grin]

OH MY GOSH I missed that! Awesome! [Killing me] [Overused]
 
Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
Classic Rook, on the Altarman and the SSPX thread
quote:
If you were to fall overboard while I was at the wheelhouse, the only reason the Ship might back up would be to try to hit you with the propeller.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Gill H on the lonely people thread in Purg:

quote:
See, I find just the opposite. The church is one of the few places where you do find the uncool, the lonely, the odd. Where the first are last and the last are first. Where the burger flipper worships next to the accountant. Where Little Old Ladies rule the world.

If my church isn't like that, it isn't following Jesus. And it's up to me to do my bit to change that.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Reason #275 Why Chorister is My Hero:

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Actually I quite like being boring. It's fun.

You gotta problem with that?


 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
From ken, in the "My Jesus, My Savior...?" thread in Purg:
quote:
There is not much less welcoming to your neighbours than running away into the desert, locking yourself in a hut, and refusing to talk to anyone except angels and lizards for six days out of seven.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
from Ruth W on the 'Involving the really poor' thread:

quote:
Sometimes the clueless among us have contributions to make that we'd recognize if we thought about it for a while and talked to them about what they might like to do. And when the only contribution someone can make is their presence, that becomes an extremely valuable gift to be given and received.



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Classic Hell Thread Closures:

quote:

CRACKS HOSTLY WHIP

This thread has exceeded the allowable level of stupid per given thread and must be annihilated, as per Ship Directive 238.77 (Hell) subsection b.

Thank you for your cooperation.
THREAD CLOSED.

comet,
HELLHOST



 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Oh dear. This is just... indescribable:

quote:

Originally posted by tomb:

quote:

Originally posted by Campbellite:

quote:
Originally posted by tomb:


...recognize a metaphor ....



What's a metaphor?
.
.
.
.
.
It's a place to keep your cows.


I don't keep cows in my metaphor. I keep my cows in the basement. I'm not gonna tell you what I keep in my metaphor.



 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Multipara in Hell:
quote:

Fuckwits, like the poor, are with us always.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ah, what a great-follow-up.

Totally out of context, perfectly innocent comment I know will be useful in the future:

quote:
Originally posted by Rossweisse:
On the plus side, the narcissi are lasting a lot longer than they usually do.



[ 14. April 2008, 01:03: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Kelly, on a geeky thread in Ecclesiantics:
quote:

That's pretty impressive. Nice work, God!

I can't argue at all!
 
Posted by beachpsalms (# 4979) on :
 
Jengie Jon, in the Jerusalem thread
quote:
Yes all hymn books need some dross if only because we cannot all agree what the dross is.

 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
I thought this, from Uncletoby in Purgatory, was worth preserving:

quote:
The word 'indefinable' may be definable, but that which is indefinable is not definable, by definition.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
BWSmith, grousing after a series of exchanges with his theological nemesis, Lamb Chopped:

quote:
Originally posted by BWSmith:
I think I'll go start a thread on how much I like Pepsi, just so I can hear how much LC likes Coke. [Roll Eyes]



[ 17. April 2008, 03:10: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From the newly-started EXODUS: the Bible Non-stop thread over in Kerygmania, this gem from Nigel M:

quote:
The world's most powerful national leader's daughter was overcome with compassion. “One perceives this to be one of the plebeian cuties” She said. Joinette scampered up at this point and said, “Would it pleasure One if I were to acquire the services of a Pleb to attend to this Junior Pleb's needs, perchance?” (A wily young lass, that. Pride of the Tribe).
"Would it pleasure One..." ?!! [Killing me]
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Barnabas62:
People who are sure they are right and others are wrong don't necessarily make as much effort to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

I just love the understatement of that...
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Originally posted by Ariel
quote:
Well, that should put a stop to those shipmates outside the UK who want to buy half a ton of knitted zebras.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Note to self- Do not take a swig of anything while hosting, in case Lamb Chopped just posted:

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Inconsequential tangent: I would dearly love, some day, to find a culture where any ambiguous situations were automatically assumed to be about accounting. Ah, says she, in hushed tones. If you really knew what went on with that expense account....


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
New keyboard's in the mail. [Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Definitely a keeper. I bet God tapes stuff like this up on His fridge:

quote:
Originally posted by Faust:
Dear Christian God,

You don’t know me- I’m an atheist.

God, if You exist, which You probably don’t let’s face it, I wonder if You’d be omnikind enough to omniignore the fact that I don’t go to church or say those Hale Merrys or stuff, and never ‘open my door’ to Your baby boy Manuel who is Alive not dead, even though he knocketh if I would but listen? Please would You turn an all-seeing blind eye to the fact that I don’t believe in You and sometimes even try to convince others that You’re not actually real, and still not forsake me when I do open my heart by asking You to help number six just a little bit in the two-twenty at Kempton so that it may run quicker than all the other horses that You created without any evolution or anything, just like that. And also, please would You accept my apologies for using your son’s name in vain the other night- that can hardly have been appropriate can it? Oh, and sorry about all the reasonable doubt, God, but it’s not really my fault when You keep yourself so secret all the time and made those fossils is it? I’m really, really sorry for what I did to that Gideon bible at school when they gave them out, and hope You will find it within Yourself to forgive me someday. That’s got to be the worst sort of Karma, hasn’t it? Sorry for saying Karma in a prayer, too. Anyway, praise You for Christmas and all the presents and things, and thanks very much for killing the devil. One day I’ll definitely become a Christian (just before I die- if I get the chance! Touch wood, eh!), so if possible, please could I have a Porsche in advance?

Lots of love, Faust.


 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
From BWSmith in Kerygmania, with regard to inerrancy:
quote:

So to reiterate, the Bible is, according to inerrancy, a book that floats 6 inches off the ground.

(DISCLAIMER: Provided that the definition of "floats" and "6 inches" is systematically clarified so that it only APPEARS to be sitting on the ground, which should not be mistaken for not floating at a height of 6 inches, given that the divinely-inspired authors of the Bible probably conceived of an "inch" as something very, very tiny, and that the normal separation between touching objects at the molecular level could technically fit a working definition of "floating".)


 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From Autenrieth Road on the EXODUS: the Bible Non-stop thread in Kerygmania, following a citation error giving Genesis 3 for Exodus 3:

To the woman, I WILL BE said, "You shall have pains in childbirth." Moses said, "What woman? It's just you, me, and the bush here!" I WILL BE put on his reading glasses and flipped back and forth muttering "In The Beginning... Second Law... Census... Priests... where is They Went Out?" "Ah, here we are," I WILL BE said in I WILL BE's normal voice.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Man, that four-line sig rule sucks sometimes:

quote:
Originally posted by Loveheart:
I was responsible for this the other day:

The wonderful thing about Jesus
Knowing Jesus is a wonderful thing
His heart is full wide and open
He's our Saviour our Lord and our King
He's bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy
Fun fun fun fun fun
The wonderful thing about Jesus is
That he's the only one!

[Hot and Hormonal] [Hot and Hormonal] [Hot and Hormonal]


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Y'know, them atheists are durn funny:

quote:
Originally posted by Faust:
quote:
Originally posted by Call me Numpty:
The problem is that Atheists have no idea that even the air they breathe belongs to God.

[Roll Eyes]

Every time we sigh, we give it back.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Man, that four-line sig rule sucks sometimes:

quote:
Originally posted by Loveheart:
I was responsible for this the other day:

The wonderful thing about Jesus
Knowing Jesus is a wonderful thing
His heart is full wide and open
He's our Saviour our Lord and our King
He's bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy
Fun fun fun fun fun
The wonderful thing about Jesus is
That he's the only one!


I wonder if the line breaks could be adjusted so the above wouldn't break the sig rule - use the slash mark / to denote a new line.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Nope, there's a character limit that I'm pretty sure it exceeds.
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
comet, in Hell:
quote:
I can't decide if it's your souls I want or just some yard work.
Be careful of the payback possibilities should comet grace you with a favour!
 
Posted by chive (# 208) on :
 
comet again in Hell:

quote:
My understanding of what Jesus said, obviously paraphrased, goes something like this:


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
there is one God.

Now that I am here, you all can stop doing that crazy Old Testament violent shit. I am the way, the truth - not spooky boogyman stories from Leviticus.

Grow the fuck up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

or something like that.

Genius
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Gosh. [Hot and Hormonal] thanks, gang!

from the same Demons Hell Thread:
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Gather ye garlic while ye may,
While demons are a-flying,
For the same thread that grows today
Tomorrow may be dying.

The glorious host o’ hell, the comet,
The more stressed she’s a getting,
The sooner will our race be run
And nearer we’re to setting.

Then be not shy, but use your time,
And while ye may, be silly;
For having lost but once her mind
She’ll slap us all to Philly.

I love a good Robert Herrick satire. [Big Grin]

The last stanza is the best.
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Rook on the "ideas are bulletproof" thread

Originally posted by mjg:
I was stating the undeniable fact there haven't been any significant terror attacks in the US post 9/11.

Rook: You stated it alongside the coincidental and mostly-incorrect statement about the current status of al Qaeda, implying causation. It was a rhetorical flourish which is incapable of being sustained by one isolated fact; facts, when placed arbitrarily next to opinions, do not thence magically turn those opinions into more facts.

Ten for style, ten for content.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Telepath, responding to a fashion-challenged person who sounds remarkably like me!

quote:
I have to admit, my first reaction to the first link was, "YIKES, people will be able to see my ASS!"
People can already see it. The only way to hide it is to stand behind a building, and you'll have to come out sometime, and you probably want to put some clothes on first. It's got something to do with the law.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
When you're elsewhere as a shipmate you're representing us to the world, and if you're acting like the pathetic pricks you all really are it makes other people think we aren't the cosy little fucking lovefest we strive to be
From the inimitable Comet, in Hell of course...

The only thing that surprises me is that no one else has posted this yet.
 
Posted by Loveheart (# 12249) on :
 
Aw Kelly! I'm touched - I think this is the first time I've been quoted, and I really feel I've arrived now ... [Hot and Hormonal]

.... even if it were for some dreadful song I wrote to amuse a small child who likes Tigger [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
Divine Outlaw Dwarf sums up 'family values':
quote:

I tend to think that families come about through love, and it's a tad difficult to legislate for love. Experience suggests, however, that things such as houses and incomes are handy for families. Politicians tend to start moralising about 'family values' when they've given up trying to do anything substantial in respect of these former things.


 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Ken, in the Purg thread on whether conservatives are happier than liberals:

quote:
If its not the Youth of Today its asylum seekers or bendy buses or bishops or bishops wives or Catholics or chavs or child protection services or China or council estates or dropped aitches or Estuary English or falling house-prices or French or Germans or Godless Evolutionists or Gordon Brown or greengrocers or high oil prices or hip-hop or hoodies or insensitive church restoration or Iranians or Irish or Jews or journalists or Ken Livingstone or kids who cycle on the pavement or Kossovans or liberals or Londoners or loony-left councils or low oil prices or misused apostrophes or mixed bathing or mixed choirs or modern art or modern liturgy or Mullahs or oil taxation or paedophiles or Palestinians or Political Correctness or Protestasnts or public transport or queers or rising house-prices or Scots or social security or social services or social workers or socialists or speed cameras or split infinitives or strikers or tax or teachers or terrorists or the asians or the bin-men or the blacks or the Channel tunnel or the courts or the EU or the foreigners or the Fundamentalists or the immigrants or the Miners or the Muslims or the schools or trade unions or Turks or vegetarians or women priests.
Ken, you have surpassed even yourself.
 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
Ken, in the Purg thread on whether conservatives are happier than liberals:
Ken, you have surpassed even yourself.

Seconded. But you missed the last line:
quote:

I blame the parents myself.


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
From Dafyd, on the "Literary Quality" thread in Purg:

quote:
The popularity of the Left Behind books does not for a moment make me believe I am missing anything by not reading them.
Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you...
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
The coiled spring, in Hell, on how seriously the apostles took their responsibility to the environment:

quote:
Even though it is not mentioned in Scripture, I do believe Paul turned down the offer of a Nissan 4x4. I did hear that he prefered to walk as that meant he could talk to the common people.

There was an occassion when Timothy had got a new bycycle and gave Paul a lift on the handlebar to some city in Syria.


 
Posted by Mrs. Candle (# 9422) on :
 
From comet in Hell:

is it just me, or when a headline declares a family "hacked to death" does it bring up mental images of cats with really bad hairballs?

no?

just me then.


[Killing me]
 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
From Uncletoby, in Hell.

quote:
I can't believe that a loving God could create someone this stupid.
I'm going to have to remember that one [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Comet made me laugh far too long with this one:
quote:
A Hellhost can't leave you lot long enough to get a good night's sleep and trust you not to to start cramming veggies up eachother's backsides.
Since I was at work, I was rather glad no one asked me what I thought was so bloody funny.
 
Posted by beachpsalms (# 4979) on :
 
Augustine the Aleut on the subject of educated clergy...

quote:
...but I have sat too often in a pew watching an incumbent place a surreal construction on Hebrews, easily avoided if they could but understand New Testament Greek, and have watched fewer episodes of Star Trek.
I might, um, print that out and tape it somewhere. Either beside my Enterprise phone, or on the cover of my concordance, I'm not sure which. Maybe both.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:
quote:
Originally posted by Geneviève:
The point is to develop an attitude of giving thankfully, not to nit-pick.

The Lord loveth a cheerful giver,
but He accepteth from a grouch.

[Killing me] [Overused] [Overused] [Overused]
 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
quote:
To leave, or not to leave: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous Shipmates,
Or take a lifeboat 'cross this sea of troubles,
And by departing, end them? To leave: to speak
No more; and by mere silence end
The heart-ache and the thousand Shiply shocks
That Max is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To leave, be still;
Shut up: to be forgot: ay, there's the rub;
For in that landlocked life what grief may come
When we have shuffled off this foolish Ship,
Must give us pause: the Internet
Doth make calam’ty of too public life;
And who would bear the whips and scorns of RooK,
Amanda's wrong, great Dyfrig’s contumely,
The pangs of despised wit, the calls to Hell,
The insolence of poets and the pats
Upon the head, with “Be a good boy, now”--
When he himself might his quietus make
By staying gone? who would mocking bear,
To grunt and sweat through an expanding thread,
But that the dread of tackling “Real Life,”
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
Few travellers return, frightens the will
And makes us rather bear the ills on board
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus Real Life doth make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

Lamb Chopped speaks brilliantly for all who try and fail to leave.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Thanks for preserving that, Twilight. [Big Grin]

Esmeralda proposes a new heresy:

quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
Kelvinism: Many are cold, but few are frozen.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Girls on Poetry:

quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
Fuck, that was good.

(referring to Lamb Chopped's opus above.)

[ 20. May 2008, 04:38: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
IMHO, this is one of the funniest things Mousethief has ever said, ever.

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
You are presumptuous and rude, and I hate the competition.


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
I don't know why but I can't stop laughing after reading this exchange...

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
quote:
Originally posted by Rossweisse:
...When is Jeffs eligible for parole?

It doesn't matter. Jeffs will die in prison when Bubba sticks a shiv between his ribs.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
IMHO, this is one of the funniest things Mousethief has ever said, ever.

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
You are presumptuous and rude, and I hate the competition.


Can I count this as #5 and move on to 6? [Biased]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...

...

YES, by God! [Yipee]
 
Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
Kelly Henry Higgins Alves [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Well, it's gotten to two pages and 96 posts which shows how few people actually enjoy their work.

Check yourselves.
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
It's quotes like these that drive me up the wall that RooK is not a self-professed believer...

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Originally posted by Squirrel:
Am I the only one to think that Bush's allegedly deep Christianity is a bullshit line?

While I too might harbour such suspicions, I think that open speculation in that direction is ultimately fruitless. It's a low game to argue the nature of how another person's faith appears to themselves.
This is something some Christians should have framed and re-read time and time again. [Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Laura muses on the troubles of the Uber-rich:

quote:
Originally posted by Laura:
Tragic, that's what it is. Our Lord himself said, in the parable of the sheep and goats: "I was a billionnaire and lost 30% of my net worth in the economic slowdown caused in part by my friends the sub-prime-mortgage investors around the corner and you ensured I didn't have to sell my Rolex."


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Speechless at this one. [Overused]

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Choose your strategic withdrawal carefully. Onan was smote by the Lord when he pulled out.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sine preaches it to the latte crowd:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I once asked the cashier at Starbucks in a loud, carrying sort of voice if the yellow diagonal lines down the side of the building meant 'SUV parking only'.

She snickered, but none of the blond babes in the store even turned a bleached hair.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Somewhere on the campaign trail, Barak Obama smacks his head and says "Why didn't I think of that?"

quote:
Originally posted by Foolhearty:
Silly people. The obvious next step for Obama is to offer the VP job to Chelsea, and appoint her parents as ambassadors to Outer Berzerkistan.



[ 06. June 2008, 05:31: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Nigel M, on Nicodemus' attitude toward Christ:

quote:
Who, after all, likes having a decent theological debate interrupted with statements about God?

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
On the Oz thread in All Saints
quote:
Originally posted by ozowen:
I used to believe in reincarnation, but that was in a previous life when I was a Buddhist. [Confused]


 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Another from the Ozzies:

quote:
Originally posted by Foaming Draught:
I've had it with baptismal regeneration. It don't work. A couple of days ago, I baptised my mobile phone in a lavatory bowl and it still isn't regenerate.

I've adopted another with the same number (what we term in the trade, Original SIM) while an electronics hobbyist shop lays hands on the immersee. I don't have a sure and certain hope that its light will ever shine again in the world.


 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From Marvin the Martian on this Hell thread, 8th post down; you need to at least read post #7 to appreciate it--

quote:
Some people will only ever learn under the stern tutelage of a swinging bar stool.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I love it.

Hart on being the reader:

quote:
Last week, I'm almost laughed during the reading, but it was nothing to do with the *words* on the page, but rather the ladybug that was wondering all around the book as I was reading from it! I almost felt guilty when I came to a page turn.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Only Janine could compose a beauty like this:

quote:
Also on the way home we were "mooned" by three little boys on the side of the winding road. In keeping with the half-moon above us all, the boys were in profile -- three shiny golden half-butts awash with starlight and moonlight and halogen headlamp light. Ah, beauties of New Mexico, will you never cease?



[ 14. June 2008, 02:33: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
You know, I went and visited the first few pages of this thread (they predate my joining the Ship) and in addition to some wonderful quotes and some folks I don't see anymore (and some I never knew), I've discovered the problem with referencing one's sig instead of posting the quote - because sig's change - and linking to the thread rather than quoting from the thread because threads move around, even in these days of oblivion where (I believe all?) inactive threads languish except the few, the worthy, that make it to Limbo...

I really enjoy the wisdom and humor of the Ship and I hate to think of these gems escaping me so I humbly encourage the posting of the actual words being commemorated (linked or not) in this thread.

Pretty please?
 
Posted by Manipled Mutineer (# 11514) on :
 
TGG spoofing [squiggle]Andrew on a Hell thread:

quote:
As the great St Pikmynos once said, "A donkey in the river eats no aubergines." Actually, that might lose something in translation, but you get the idea.

 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
I'm just entertained by this reaction from Trudy Scrumptious on the More Movie Quotes thread:

quote:
I am going to jump the gun on parsley sage and start applauding NOW, because the urge to yell "John Cusack!!!!!" has just been choking me for the last day or so...
I mean, how often are Shipmates choked by the urge to yell "John Cusack!!!!!" ?!

Well, I thought it was funny [Cool]
 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
It happens to me more than you'd think. [Biased]
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Sine Nomine on delicate theological conversations:

quote:
Sometimes it's difficult to strike exactly the right balance with "I respect you as a person but you're wrong and are going to burn in Hell."

 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
This from Mousethief in that infamous Styx thread just really amused me:

quote:
Do you get donuts in heaven for every time you refuse to back down when you're in the right?
Plus I love the idea of donuts in heaven [Angel]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
There will be donuts at the wedding supper of the Lamb?! wow... who knew?!
 
Posted by rugasaw (# 7315) on :
 
I liked Gwai's mission statement. It seems so true.

quote:
SoF - The only organization that allows one mission statement per member

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege:
There will be donuts at the wedding supper of the Lamb?! wow... who knew?!

quote:
Leviticus 7:12
If he offer it for a thanksgiving, then he shall offer with the sacrifice of thanksgiving unleavened cakes mingled with oil, and unleavened wafers anointed with oil, and cakes mingled with oil, of fine flour, fried.


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege:
There will be donuts at the wedding supper of the Lamb?! wow... who knew?!

quote:
Leviticus 7:12
If he offer it for a thanksgiving, then he shall offer with the sacrifice of thanksgiving unleavened cakes mingled with oil, and unleavened wafers anointed with oil, and cakes mingled with oil, of fine flour, fried.


that's where all the cops are sitting and catching up. I would myself wish to sit at the end of the conveyor belt and let the krispy Kreme donuts drop into my mouth. But that is gluttony and very evil. I would try to just feast on them.

[eta: I am in awe of your awareness of Scripture, MT [Overused] ...and this new donut twist on it. ]

[ 19. June 2008, 04:37: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by Catrine (# 9811) on :
 
By Gildas in the "Thank God for the Irish" Purg thread regarding those

"right wing homophobic scumbags in the DUP - really what with La Robinson and the 42 Day thing I was sorely tempted to send Gerry a telegram saying 'Kill Them All - God Will Know His Own'. Ahem. I digress."

Made me giggle ...
 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
I think all this talk of donuts is God's way of telling me to go get one. Excuse me....
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
On the Royal Order of Internet Bullies thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:

I suppose there are those who enjoy defending the "underdog", with little thought as to whether the so-called underdog has been peeing on the carpet.


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
I'm so proud--my first entry preserved for posterity is about doggy urine.
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
Suck it up, OB, my first one was about hippies smelling like sandalwood and ass.
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
Forgive me for doubleposting, but... COME ON, I had to!

quote:
Originally posted by Max.:
quote:
Originally posted by the_raptor:
The first rule of /b/ is you don't talk about /b/...

And the partyvan is not so fun when it's on your doorstep [Disappointed]

What are you - 14?


 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
On the Royal Order of Internet Bullies thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:

I suppose there are those who enjoy defending the "underdog", with little thought as to whether the so-called underdog has been peeing on the carpet.


Pedantry
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
Pedantry

Well, that would be a lot more interesting if this source or this source backed it up.

Etymology, unfortunately, is one of those fields where the more plausible the story is, the greater the likelihood of its being incorrect.
 
Posted by Angus McDangley (# 11091) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
Pedantry

Well, that would be a lot more interesting if this source or this source backed it up.

Etymology, unfortunately, is one of those fields where the more plausible the story is, the greater the likelihood of its being incorrect.

The second link only gives a definition, not an etymology.
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
But when I watched this, they said it was from the under-sawyer and I refuse to believe that Tony Robinson can ever be wrong.

Credo Baldrick !
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
As long as we're indulging pedantry, back to donuts (!!), fried doesn't appear often and could simply mean 'mixed'... of the three occurrences, only Young translates it 'fried' the first time, only Webster translates it 'fried' the second time, and the third time both Young and Webster translate it 'fried.

I associate bagels (which are boiled and baked) with the children of Israel more than I associate donuts but, that said, there are many good Jewish fried donut-y foods! [Big Grin]

Now, back on track, from the Styx:

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Originally posted by Erin:
Y'all can agree, disagree, think monkeys fly out of my ass, whatever, I don't care.

As an ass-launched flying monkey, I might be inclined to take that personally.


[ 19. June 2008, 22:42: Message edited by: Lynn MagdalenCollege ]
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
Suck it up, OB, my first one was about hippies smelling like sandalwood and ass.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Chelley:
quote:
And for those who'll now cry out ITTWACW - there isn't an eleventh commandment that says "Go into the world and make Shipmates of all nations, baptising them in the name of the Hosts, the Admins and Simon and teaching them to obey everything Erin has commanded you, and Rook will be with you always - spewing forth sarcasm and verbal lashings to the very end of the age."
[Two face]
 
Posted by Manipled Mutineer (# 11514) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
Suck it up, OB, my first one was about hippies smelling like sandalwood and ass.

Actually, technically it was this one, but I think the general point still stands:

quote:

Originally posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep:
Snow is bad. Snow is evil. I believe that the Devil redecorated after reading Dante's 'Inferno'.

Mine was about necrophilia, as it goes, so take heart.

[ 20. June 2008, 09:13: Message edited by: Manipled Mutineer ]
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
Suck it up, OB, my first one was about hippies smelling like sandalwood and ass.

Actually, if this weren't here already, someone would need to put it in this thread.
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
the sum total of bonabri's restrained response to a particularly obnoxious post in hell:

quote:
[Attempts to throw hissy fit but just falls over]
I love it. Sometimes, it's really not worth more typing effort than that.

[ 21. June 2008, 05:05: Message edited by: infinite_monkey ]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
Suck it up, OB, my first one was about hippies smelling like sandalwood and ass.

[Killing me]
Oh, dear God, I'm having a flashback to college. [wiping tears from my eyes]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Not often you get a quotes file worthy quote on the actual quotes file [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Gildas (# 525) on :
 
Max has been entertaining us for years. This in particular, on the subject of getting a straignt answer out of a Jesuit, deserves some sort of recognition.

quote:
In 1991 a Jesuit managed to answer a question on whether he wanted a Whisky or a glass of Gin. He wanted Whisky.


[ 22. June 2008, 19:28: Message edited by: Gildas ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Please pause to meditate over the tableau summoned forth from this exchange:

quote:
Originally posted by John Donne:
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
quote:
Originally posted by passer:
Rook Rampant, on a nebulee gules...,

Oh dear. I read this as "Rook rampant in a negligee..."

I must go lie down.

That would be the leather négligée with cut-out butt cheeks and My Little Pony motif. So very RooK 2006. Fashions have moved on, darl.


(Yes: 'Rook Rampant, in a negligee rules')


 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
telephone, on the internet, for smart people - [Big Grin]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Gort on international diplomacy:

quote:
Are we all to die in the Apocalypse of the Big Dicks?

 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
I think I enjoyed this one a litte too much...

Honest Ron Bacardi explains Anglican sectarianism:

quote:
Look on the bright side, multipara. At least [Roman Catholics] take bosoms seriously. Here in Anglican central, we are facing an imminent attack of the splinters, plus possible explosion of the bosom itself.

 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From Zappa, in the Ship Rank and Status Hell thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
quote:
Originally posted by Geneviève:
Well, LC, living in Baltimore it is rather obligatory to root for the Orioles

Being an antipodean I have some problems rooting for anyone, except, of course for my own pleasure and hopefully that of the rootee
[Big Grin] [Big Grin]

And, in the same post because the Ship is loading so slowly, this gem from duchess from the Prayerful Flamebaiting thread, also in Hell:
quote:
Spank them, Father God, on their bare bottoms hard...but do not cast them into the pit. Just tap their buttocks a little bit...firmly
[Two face]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Janine, I don't know why, it just stuck me funny:

quote:
He held that flat bread in His hands, and took up one of those multiple glasses of wine,... and He spoke, and they were His flesh and blood...

That's real enough. It was at least as real as when we see an egg smashed into a hot cast-iron skillet on those TV commercials, while the public-service-announcement voice intones "This is your brain... This is your brain on drugs..."


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
I love this. A Lutheran special!

quote:
Posted by Lamb Chopped in the Styx
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
the point of debate is resolution, however. not disagreement.

De point of debate is to catch de fish.

I'll go away now.


 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
From cynicgirl in Purg, this appealed to me:

quote:
...the more I learn, the more I change denominations...
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
From Cyprian, in Purg -

quote:
Originally posted by Cyprian:
quote:
Originally posted by chadevan:
Oh, and I nearly forgot: when Baptist preacher Mike Huckabee ran for prez, his campaign slogan was "Faith. Family. Freedom."

2-4-6-8
Huckabee alliterates.
Goooooooo Mike!

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Josephine (# 3899) on :
 
From Barnabas62:
quote:
"Know your enemy" is a general's dictum; it applies if you want to win. I don't want to win. I want to understand better. Folks who believe some things differently to me are not my enemies.


[Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Barnabas is and always has been a touchstone of pure class. [Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Comet ponders the price of corruption in Alaskan politics:

quote:
c'mon Vic [Kohring] - if you're going to sell your vote to the oil companies, how about asking for enough to get you a house and get your fat ass off your parent's couch? (yep. in their single-wide. he's such a joy to cover. I'll almost miss him. [Tear] )


[ 03. July 2008, 15:11: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Random Cathoholic defends the patron saint of English tucker:
quote:
Every time someone says something bad about Saint Delia, God kills a kitten. Please, won't someone think of the kittens?

 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
From the_raptor in Purgatory...
quote:
I can only think this is code for "ZOMG teh xtians stoled teh jews sekrit prophecy".
It's even funnier in context.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Chorister, in the Outcast Anglicans thread in Heaven:
quote:
They could go down a treat at hen parties - you provide the tarts, we provide the vicars.

 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Double post, but what the hell.

RooK, closing a thread and lamenting the lack of good help in Hell:
quote:

Honestly, you ask for demons and you get a bunch of hall monitors with pocket protectors.


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
dang beat me to it.
I know I have this in my heart

[eta: meant basso's post above...goes with quote. thx.]

[ 10. July 2008, 01:51: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Foaming Draught- priceless!
quote:
Like a mighty tortoise moves the Church of God.
Brothers, we are treading where we've always trod.
We are all divided, many bodies we;
pretty hot on doctrine, weak in charity.


 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Chorister summed up proper behavior for us, in a language we can all understand:
quote:

like this [Yipee] in the circus
like this [Smile] in heaven
like this [Confused] in purgatory
like this [Devil] in hell
like this [Angel] in all saints
like this [Help] in kerygmania
like this [Overused] in eccles
like this [brick wall] in dead horses


 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Foaming Draught- priceless!
quote:
Like a mighty tortoise moves the Church of God.
Brothers, we are treading where we've always trod.
We are all divided, many bodies we;
pretty hot on doctrine, weak in charity.


I'm afraid that needs attributing to Anon or checking. My father's recited it for over forty years, so I think its unlikely that it was a Foaming Draught original.

Jengie
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Twilight beat me to it...
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jengie Jon:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Foaming Draught- priceless!
quote:
Like a mighty tortoise moves the Church of God.
Brothers, we are treading where we've always trod.
We are all divided, many bodies we;
pretty hot on doctrine, weak in charity.


I'm afraid that needs attributing to Anon or checking. My father's recited it for over forty years, so I think its unlikely that it was a Foaming Draught original.

Jengie

Ah. Well, he made no attribution, but I googled this by George Verwer:
quote:
Like a mighty tortoise

Moves the church of God.

Brothers we are treading,

Where we've often trod.

We are much divided,

Many bodies we,

Having different doctrines, but

Not much charity.

I must say I like FD's jazzy last line better.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
from Doublethink:
quote:

God can not be ridiculed - only someone's stereotype, most usually of an institution or the customs of followers. And then it behooves us to wonder why that is being targeted.

Which just proves that Hell is worth watching.
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
*faints in surprise*

Actually I think the Salavation Army proves the point - conservative morality, stand out uniform and a brass band, but are they mocked ? No. Because the vast majority of people respect the ministry out in the world that their faith leads them to perform.
 
Posted by Carex (# 9643) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
... the Salavation Army proves the point - conservative morality, stand out uniform and a brass band, but are they mocked ? No.

And the Starvation Army they play,
And they sing and they clap and they pray,
Till they get all your coin on the drum,
Then they tell you that you're just a bum

 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
That was then ... And there is a clear point to that - perhaps that song caused them to change something in their praxis - perhaps we should move this to purg ? I'll try to think of an OP.
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Zappa, on the Rossweisse thread in Hell, about Oz Evo-Anglicans (I think)concludes with:

By one's friends' fruits shall one know them.

which is neat, and potentially very cutting.
 
Posted by Wiff Waff (# 10424) on :
 
LATA on the worst song ever thread in Heaven:

There are war crimes less repellent than Paul McCartney's collected works.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
PeteC in Hell:

Calling Myrrh to Hell is like calling the Pope to morning prayer. It's been done so often, that it really is just a chore.

A nice way of saying it's deja vu all over again.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From hatless, on RooK's even-handedness:

quote:
He makes his arse to shine upon the righteous and the unrighteous.



[ 13. July 2008, 01:46: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From the quadruple Hell call, this building exchange struck me as quite wonderful:

quote:
Originally posted by jlg:
quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
I'd steer clear of jlg though, the old battle ax beats groundhogs with shovels.

If anyone ever said something like this about me, I'd have it in my sig line so quickly you would smell something burning.
Actually, it was a baby groundhog.
[Eek!] [Axe murder]
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Originally posted by Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard in the Gene Robinson thread in purg...

quote:

In polite, liberal, open society it is no one else's business what goes on behind closed doors.

The Church isn't 'polite society'.


 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
Two things that have brought joy to my week:

Firenze on the "Can't be arsed" food thread in Heaven:

quote:
THE ROAD TO ARMAGEDDON IS PAVED WITH READYMEALS.
ken on the "State Funeral for Margaret Thatcher" thread in Purg:

quote:
God is in the business of saving sinners. Even Tories.

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
If the hole is large enough and there's enough force behind it, I imagine you can shove just about anything through just about any opening.

[Eek!]

It's only naughty when taken out of context.
 
Posted by Chelley (# 11322) on :
 
Comet of course, with perfect comic timing even in a text based medium!
(On the 'what job would you really want to do' thread in Heaven)

quote:
I'd like to be empress of my own moderately-sized island.

Australia, perhaps.


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
quote:
Originally posted by Zwingli:
But surely being a priest implies having some authority over others?

You seem to have confused the order of the priesthood with the office of Altar Guild President.
I can't believe I'm the first one here with this gem from Spiffy.
 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
quote:
Posted by Sandemaniac in Eccles
While I don't think you could describe the whole thing as Arts and Crafts - it is by the senior Gilbert-Scott, and comes across as rather like Oxford's Keble College on dodgier laudanum - St Michael and All Angels in Lyndhurst, Hampshire, has windows by Morris and by Burne-Jones. The latter has a strawberry-blonde Jesus... very Victorian!

I thought this gem from the Arts & Crafts churches thread deserved a wider audience.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
AnnaB does a nice little parody on the "Broad Church" thread.

quote:
It's a church of sinners, a church of saints,
It's a church of bishops and syncophants,
Though GAFCON may deride,
still it can't be denied
It's a broad church after all!


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by hatless:

I would point, for justification, to the feeding of the 5,000 and the 4,000, and all the baskets full of left-overs. I think this is how it is with God. Sometimes God's followers get worried about running out, or God getting dirty. But they shouldn't.

Amen, amne, and amen. [Overused]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From HangerQueen, about the latest idiot making headlines:

quote:
According to Wikipedia, he claims to be both Jesus Christ and the Anti-Christ. Doesn't that mean he should immediately disappear in a burst of gamma rays?

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Avalon and Foaming Draught, on clergy careers:

quote:

Originally posted by Avalon:
So, is it defrocked or unfrocked if you jump before you're got?

I think one is said to have frocked off.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Roundaboutly, Gill H in Heaven has quoted this great bit of wordplay from John Donne in Purg:
quote:
... it's going to be a fiasco, and I don't want to be there when it fiasses.

 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Sioni Sais, responding to Trudy about selecting cluess young celebs for the Death Pool:
quote:

Trudy, it's like shooting into a flock of starlings. You're going to hit something, but it won't be the starling you aimed at.


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
Mechtilde, on the "Witness my rear end" thread:
quote:
Other than bumper stickers and urine, there's gotta be a better way to mark my space.

 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Timothy the Obscure on the Kindergarchy thread in Purg:

(I think) the article is a great illustration of the journalistic definition of "trend": two (similar) anecdotes and a deadline.

Thanks Tim.

ps: I'm in the quotes file again! Two in four years!

eta: pps: post immediately above (Mechtilde's) is definitely [Overused]

[ 01. August 2008, 19:39: Message edited by: Sioni Sais ]
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
angelfish speaks to the alien nature of Christians on the Purg thread, "Witness My Rearend":
quote:
Unfortunately subtlety is not a trait to be found in many Christians, or indeed humans...

 
Posted by Manipled Mutineer (# 11514) on :
 
quote:
you turdmunching polyp on the anus of humanity
The Great Gumby on the subject of the moral worth of bicycle thieves.
 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
Ken's in good form, re writing the book of proverbs

quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard:
Man proposes...

... and woman looks embarrassed for a few seconds and then tells him that she respects him very much and he knows he is in the shit.
That's from this post on the How Evangelical do you have to be...

Jengie

[ 07. August 2008, 15:59: Message edited by: Jengie Jon ]
 
Posted by Ags (# 204) on :
 
Posted by jlg here.

There is a lot more to true Christianity than simply screaming "I love you God" and getting all excited and doing Bible Study.

Would make a good sig [Smile]
 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
From Rat on the Cyclists Hell thread:

quote:
Cars - can't live with them, try to live without them and they spitefully squash you flat.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Monologue form Exodus Non-Stop: God has a melt-down over Sabbath-breaking:

quote:
Originally posted by Bullfrog.:
Exodus 16:27-30

ARGHGHGHGHGHGH! How long am I going to have to repeat myself! How long will you thick-headed people insist upon ignoring me and refusing to keep my commandments! Look! I, THE LORD, have given you a Sabbath! See? S-A-B-B-A-T-H! Sabbath! Do you really need to be reminded to take a break every week? Is it that hard to do NOTHING for 24 hours? Do you suffer from congenital workaholism or something? Look, I give to you enough food on the 6th day to cover both days 6 and 7. You do not need to forage on the 7th day. Just sit tight and take a break like you're told!

So the people rested on the 7th day.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Listen up, Haters: the Ship IS community. Observe:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Antisocial Alto:
Whenever I hear the word "phenomenon" I hear it to the tune of the Muppets song "Mah Na Mah Na".

Phenomenon, doo doooo de doo-doo
Phenomenon, doo doo-doo doo

I'M NOT ALONE!

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Johnny S. on a post he didn't make after all--and why:

quote:
I thought about putting "1st century Christians with a Jewish heritage" ... but it died the death of a thousand qualifications.


[ 19. August 2008, 02:57: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
Too long to post here in full, but Gildas' potted history of Russia surely deserves to be kept for posterity

[Overused]
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Listen up, Haters: the Ship IS community. Observe:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Antisocial Alto:
Whenever I hear the word "phenomenon" I hear it to the tune of the Muppets song "Mah Na Mah Na".

Phenomenon, doo doooo de doo-doo
Phenomenon, doo doo-doo doo

I'M NOT ALONE!

Thank you. Now I'm gonna start doing that. [Razz]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
You are experiencing a movement of the Spirit, my sister.

Anyhow...

I encourage you all to simply sit back and bask in the beauty of this:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I hate people who don't obey rules that I happen to obey. It makes me want to key the side of their car. (This would be residents at my building who park in the 'visitor' slots, for starters.)

I hate people who block traffic in front of Starbucks because their passenger is just running in to get a cup of coffee. What the hell do you think all the people who bothered to pull into parking places are doing, you SUV-driving asshole?

I hate people who take the moral high ground in ethical conversations when I know for a fact they are paying hustlers for sex - said financial proceeds of which are probably promptly converted into drugs.

There are plenty of other people I hate but I can't think of the details right this second other than people younger than me and older than me, richer than me and poorer than me, prettier than me and uglier than me, more liberal than me and more conservative than me - pretty much every one who isn't exactly like me, come to think of it.

And people who don't get their eyebrows waxed. I hate them too.

Thank you.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Janine, on the raising of Lazarus from Lazarus' point of view:

quote:
Sometimes we've got to remind ourselves that there's more to living than life.

 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
From the incomparable Lamb Chopped, in Purg:

quote:
Maybe we could give God credit for a little common sense and assume that, immediately upon death, we are not likely to "wake up" to the faces of our arch-enemies waving "Welcome to heaven!" banners.
I don't know whether to [Killing me] or [Overused]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
mousethief in Hell on the squabble about the name "America" as in United States of:
quote:
Look, the time to complain about the use of "America" for a single country was 1776, okay? The complaints desk has long been closed and dismantled. You missed your chance. Get over it.

 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I had this from an alto in the choir. And altos never lie. They don't have the imagination.

Another gem from the inimitable Sine, on the TICTH thread
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Y'know, Trudy? You're absolutely right.

quote:
Originally posted by Trudy Scrumptious:
Oh my. Dissing Bonnie Tyler. What has the world come to??

Let me tell you, there is no life experience more raw, more honest, more heartbreaking than sitting in your living room playing the 45 of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" over and over and over and over really loudly while on the other side of the duplex wall the guy you thought you loved is entertaining his new flame as you quietly weep in your darkened living room, alone with Bonnie and your four-inch high permed hair and your acid-wash jeans and your shattered dreams ...

Like everything else, it has its proper context.


 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
Thank you Kelly... I had secret dreams of being immortalized in the Quotes file for that one. Because I'm sure I'm not the only one.
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
Yeah. I'm still smarting because I invented the phrase 'Anointing Cooties' on the Florida thread and didn't make it here. [Biased]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I live to serve.

From the "Fire Tunnel" thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Gill H:
My church had a wedding recently, and at the end of the evening celebration, everyone lined up in 2 rows, formed an arch and the couple ran through it on their way out of the building. As they did so, we prayed our individual prayers for the couple, whether silently or out loud. It was a fun way to wish them well as they left.

If that's the sort of thing being described, I have no problems with it, as long as no-one is put under pressure to do it (as prayer ministry for claustrophobia, it might not be the best method!)

If, on the other hand, it's a way to catch Anointing Cooties from the special people up front, then ewwww.

(BTW, I admit it - I invented the phrase 'Anointing Cooties' with the hope of being chosen for the SoF Quotes File ...) [Biased]

****
****

(P.S. I've only done this on rare, special occasions where I felt the interests of Ship Canon overrode my natural humbleness and modesty, but I have quoted myself a couple of times, with accompanying apologies for my vanity. But heck, if the Teeming Millions can't recognise brilliance when they see it, what's a girl to do? [Big Grin]

I think if you do it constantly, though, it gets annoying.)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...but this one is Firenze. And Huey Lewis would agree...

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
And what is this 'love is a construct' blithering? Love is an emotion, love is an instinct - try getting between a bear and her cubs and explaining that's she disembowelling you for a construct.



[ 02. September 2008, 15:25: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Gildas, beautifully pointing out a distinction:

quote:
Incidentally, I have known love and I have known lust and trust me - the poetry and the prose of the flesh are two quite different things.

 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Lietuvos Sv. Kazimieras posits an opinion and coins a new phrase in a discussion on Americans and travel:
quote:
maybe your air miles vary
very droll!

[ 10. September 2008, 00:04: Message edited by: Triple Tiara ]
 
Posted by Loveheart (# 12249) on :
 
From "the coiled spring", on the thread about breaking JH Newman's body up for relics:

"Is it not wonderul that as Anglicans are still arguing about gay bishops, those nice boys in Rome have had a gay cardinal and now consider having a gay saint..
Eat your heart out Gene"

[Overused]
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
Now I'm hearing people say they like the Palin/ McCain ticket for president because they support "family values" and I don't think they're talking about McCain's choice to leave his crippled wife for a hot chick, young enough to be his daughter.

From the thread about churches telling people how to vote. I really didn't expect politics to inspire something memorable.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I believe the appropriate response to the following is "SNAP!":

(On the "Godly break-up lines" thread)

quote:
Originally posted by Anglican_Brat:
To a straight woman.

"I'm sorry, I'm really would like to be attracted to you, but at the moment of my conception, Almighty God declared that I would be gayer than Elton John dancing with Boy George at a George Michael concert. I cannot go against the will of God."



[ 15. September 2008, 05:12: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Foaming Draught makes a key point on the Barbeque thread:
quote:

And slow-cooking is just a waste of gas. Emissions trading schemes will put paid to that, we need all the carbon offset we can get to run the beer fridge.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Bucca:
quote:
The point is to serve God by oneness in christ, through faith, via grace. Charity is a consequence of that and not a meritorious act in itself (nor is others being fed an aim in itself).
Albertus:
quote:
Yes Bucca, all very well, but you still haven't answered my question: between now and the Second Coming, who should be responsible for the drains?

 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by rugasaw:
At one time I thought that I could come up with odd answers. The ship has taught me that my odd answers are not as odd as I thought.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch (on the 'Fear of Moderation' thread:

In short, non-Christians should be loved into the Kingdom whilst Christians who don't agree with "us" should be smacked around a bit for their own good.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Jon-with-no-H:

if my body is a temple, my tattoos are stained glass windows.
 
Posted by Caty. (# 11996) on :
 
Zappa, on the Question thread in Heaven:
quote:

I love not splitting infinitives, because it breaks the cliched expectations.

Though I quite like to occasionally and with willful and nefarious intent with malice aforethought and cheerful nonchalance after the fact demonstrate how bloody stupid split infinitives can be.



[ 19. September 2008, 14:14: Message edited by: Caty. ]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Apprentice Salt cuts through the religious divide on barbecue:
quote:

BBQ is smoked meat. Any meat… brought to a state of perfection beyond description with time, heat and smoke. If your neck is red… your beer is free and cold… and your family and friends eat it with gusto and enthusiasm… you will understand that you have stumbled upon the true meaning and purpose of life… Thanks be to God!!!


 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Oh my, Zappa, what a magnificent put-down this was (in Hell, of course!)

quote:
When you kick Jesus off the Right Hand of the Father™, would you whisper a prayer in the ear of the Creator for those of us less perfect than your self?


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Dead Horses

OliviaG to Matt Black on how humans were "set up" to Fall:
quote:
Well, yeah. For starters, the garden wasn't properly child-proofed. And then there's the parenting stragety of "I'm going out now; don't touch the cookies on the kitchen counter." I don't think you even have to be a parent to know that's not gonna work, at least not in the early stages of the game.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Firenze:
quote:
Actually we have these conversations in our house on how you get to be a Dark Lord. Do you start as a Dim Lord and work down?

 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by rabcpresbyterian:
quote:
Originally posted by quantpole:
What's a mainline Christian doctrine again?

One you inject directly into your soul
This little exchange in Purgatory gave me a chuckle.
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Gort on the "Nativity in 30 seconds" thread made me laugh:

quote:
HALF OFF MULTI-COLORED CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS THIS SATURDAY ONLY!

Previous offers not applicable. Restocking fee on returned items.


 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
Eliab, the voice of pragmatism:

quote:
Life is too short to berate every passing arsehole.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Originally posted by Angloid:
Whereas prayer is simply us being ourselves in the presence of God.

Nice one.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
ken explains the importance of clarity in professional communications:
quote:
If you really use lines like "Some keeps e-mailing my predecessor at my job are causing me to blanked out" in business e-mail then all I can say is every reads will be having trouble them are losing employers some credible.
[Big Grin]

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Firenze:
quote:
Actually we have these conversations in our house on how you get to be a Dark Lord. Do you start as a Dim Lord and work down?

yet another example of why I want to go live with Firenze and be her daughter.

they think like me.

and she cooks good.
[Axe murder]
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
I think to become a Dim Lord you have to study with Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light.
 
Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by lady in red:
Eliab, the voice of pragmatism:

quote:
Life is too short to berate every passing arsehole.

I just so wish the arseholes would pass me by
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
I think to become a Dim Lord you have to study with Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light.

[Snigger] [Overused]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
I think to become a Dim Lord you have to study with Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light.

[Snigger] [Overused]
An interior quote in the quotes file. So this is a double-interior quote. Any advance?
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
I wish I'd made up Phil myself. But I nicked him from a cartoon.

As for double interior quotes, many years ago there was a correspondence in MAD magazine that started: 'I think the man who writes the letters should write the rest of the magazine'. The next issue there was 'I think the man who wrote "I think the man who writes the letters should write the rest of the magazine", should write the rest of the magazine'. You can guess how it continued...

[ 19. October 2008, 10:56: Message edited by: Esmeralda ]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
our Snowy little friend can always make me laugh out loud, even in awkward circumstances. this one was hard to explain to a room full of friends!
quote:
Originally posted by Patdys in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by someone who walked right into this:
If I were a Cockney...

On the up side, you're half way there. [Big Grin]


[ 19. October 2008, 20:56: Message edited by: comet ]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Well I've not heard this one before, and it is a smart answer:

Max (in Purgatory, how can I know I am saved?)

When asked "When were you saved?" just answer "33 AD"
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
From "Things I want to know" in The Styx:

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
ACK! Now there's Astley in my head, and I'm going to have to use a spork to get it out.

"...and then he fell down and broke his leg." ~(German humor from a recent thread- reputed to get them every time!)

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Priceless beginning by Sine Nomine:
quote:
I really try not to go to my 'better than' place but a lot of the time it's just darn difficult not to, despite all the “we're all God's children” pep talks I try to give myself. Some of God’s children are bottom-feeders. They just are.
Then it just gets better with Gort and Sine's exchange:
quote:
Gort: Hey. Someone's got to clean up the muck.
quote:
and Sine: That's a very kind way to look at it, Brother Gort. I wish I were that spiritually advanced.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
LR - what threads / what boards are those from? How on EARTH could I have missed them?!
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Hell- you couldn't tell? [Biased]

Actually it's on the yorick etc. Hell call. One of the better parts, I've got to say.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
JohnBoy sums up Exodus 20:14 :
quote:
Originally posted by JohnBoy:

Didn't I give you enough blood to run your brain and your cock at the same time? Don't try that on me!


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
In Purg, people are asking how will we know when Jesus returns...

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
I am pre-programmed to crap myself from sheer panic the day Christ returns. When that happens, I'll be sure to pass on the news.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
From the "FAO American Shipmates: Why aren't you a socialist?" thread in Purgatory:

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
God can redeem our human nature. Political theory can't.

Ross
 
Posted by Loveheart (# 12249) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Gildas:
If God could work through Balaam's Ass he can work through the clergy!


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
comet, on Alaskan politics:
quote:

God bless us, everyone! it's like christmas, easter, and an orgasm all in one!

There's really nothing to add.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From Custard. on a Kerygmania thread:
quote:
I really can't understand the sheer anality of a lot of those people who write papers to argue that Abba = Father and not Daddy. It's quite clearly got a semantic range that covers both (and then some).

 
Posted by rabcpresbyterian (# 12060) on :
 
from John Ellis, on the thread about whether Jesus is the only way...

Calvinists..., in the legendary words of the Scots minister, taught that God responds to the cries from hell of "Laird, we did'nae ken, we did'nae ken!" with the immoveable rebuke, "Well, ye ken noo!"

Made me laugh oot lood !
 
Posted by Athrawes (# 9594) on :
 
This, from Rev Per Minute, on the thread in Heaven about banning Latin terms.


Originally posted by Matt Black:
banning foreign words which have 'immigrated' into this country and become integrated into the language here.

Bloody foreign words, coming over 'ere and stealing our language. I 'ad a gerund in the back of me cab the other day - or was 'e a gerundive? Can't tell 'em apart, these Latins...
 
Posted by Carex (# 9643) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:

... most people get commemorative tattoos with their churchlady friends at the Shrimp & Petroleum Festival.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Spawn parses a sentence in Hell:
quote:
The trouble is I have so many problems with: "..we need key laity in such jobs."

First, who is the 'we'? Secondly, 'need', thirdly, 'key laity' and fourthly, 'such jobs'. I'm happy with 'in' though.


 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
patdys, formerly of yellow snow fame, in Hell on the Sir Pellinore hell call:

Actually Jesus is a bit like a colostomy operation. He will always make room for one more arsehole.

Beat that, Dawkins!

AG
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
I love Robert Armin's response to Rossweisse in a Hell thread that turned into a party...

quote:
quote:
Is my Oxford Study Bible in the Revised English version okay?
So, is this a euphemism? I've led a sheltered life.

 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Tclune takes on the slippery slope argument in purgatory:

quote:
Now, the thing that is idiotic about this so-called argument is not that it can't happen, but that it assumes that my current level of stupidity is the right and true level for all people at all times.
Perfectly put--I'll be using this.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Izzybee from the "Online Excitement" thread:
quote:
You know it's a bad day at the virtual office when you're attacked by flying penises.
By the way, while I was investigating Second Life, I read this great article by a guy who attended a seminar by Java introducing some new developments. The gathering place was in Second Life. He was computer savvy, but he'd never been to Second Life. He found himself/his sulky-looking avatar holding a flaming torch in the virtual auditorium for the entire presentation. He couldn't get rid of it. I'd link the article but it seems to have just been restricted to registered users. [Frown]
 
Posted by PataLeBon (# 5452) on :
 
Trudy Scrumptious in the Obama's Faith thread

quote:
Have you not heard of the Holy Trilogy?

Volume 1: The Father.
A huge bestseller, so popular He led to the much awaited follow-up sequel: The Son (now appearing in flesh, and paperback).
And Volume 3: The Holy Spirit -- viewed by many critics as a satisfying conclusion to the trilogy, but by some diehard fans as a disappointing follow-up. Never became as popular as Volumes 1 and 2 of the series, perhaps because He was seen as less accessible.

Now to see if I can use that somehow in children's chapel...
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Nunzia to KenWritez on Let's Offend:
quote:
If you really care about this planet, just think about how an army of grouchy sleep-deprived grizzlies with AK 47s might disrupt it's delicate balance. Just think for once!
Granted that the whole thead just makes me laugh, this gem makes me glad that I wasn't drinking anything prior to reading it!
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Spiffy, laying into Dmpln Jeff in Hell (This is science?):

You are so clueless, you are standing in the Conservatory holding a Lead Pipe and wondering what all the shouting is about.

AG
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Leaf, a wonderful new apprentice on the thread about children's theological questions:

quote:
"How come no one in the Bible ever stays home?"

That one gave me pause. It's true: every major character is always on the move, from somewhere to somewhere else. Church folks tend to worry about their buildings -- hammering and nailing everything down, including liturgy and theology. Perhaps we'd do better to remember that no one in the Bible ever stays at home.


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Quite liked this little interchange in Purgatory about "to spend or not to spend" in the face of our recession:

quote:
Evangeline posits:
Capitalism is like a bicycle, once it stops going forward it falls over.

quote:
Crooked Cucumber responds:
Yes. But who wants to keep pedalling a bicycle if you don't like where it's going?


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
...there are people on this board who would stand in front of the neon blinking sign pointing to the duck while holding Harper's Compleat Duck Identifier of the World (and how to tell them from drakes and goslings) open to the illustrated plates and still wouldn't know the duck even after it beaned them in the head with an egg.

From Spiffy in Hell, waxing grandiloquent on the ornithological shortcomings of fellow Shipmates...
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
A long one, but worth it from an historical perspective.

Lyda Rose comments on recent US television offerings:

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Yeah, the pc brigade has run amok in the US, too. Most of TV this summer and autumn was devoted to this political series where -get this- the protagonists were this middle-aged white woman; a very old, disabled, war veteran; and a nerdy, elite black guy.

The drama went back and forth for months. Everyone recalled how during a previous season, the woman's husband had disgraced his high office with hanky-panky, but that his wife had nobly risen above it. The pc crowd was torn: noble, white woman/elite, black man? Elite, black man/noble, white woman? But it seemed that the elite nerd quietly overtook her. Then he chose to run with a middle-aged, white male politician (the choice shouldn't be too out there, ya know).

Then, sensing that the series would become too boringly white bread if he was paired with another old, white guy, the war veteran brought in an ex-beauty queen in a heels and a pencil skirt. Who belonged to the NRA. Who had been mayor of a town of 6,000. Who'd been a governor for a few months. It was an interesting idea, but since everyone knew that white, war vets had risen to the top a number of times before, the female pistol from Alaska not withstanding, it was agreed it was time for a Change.

So the nerdy, black guy with the cute wife and kids won the day and the season ended in his triumph. And pc was satisfied even though a triumph for one deserving pc candidate necessarily excluded other deserving pc possibilities like the disabled vet, the noble woman, the Hispanic governor, or the Mormon. (You don't think Mormons have been oppressed?)



[ 01. December 2008, 15:27: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...and one more reason Kenwritez dominates the "Let's Offend" thread.

quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:


That is so...so...so...offensive I am speechless. Thus I voice my outrage in interpretive dance:

xxx
............. x pause
.... x ......... ... .. . spin spin spin ...
...............................................
................. leap .........................
... pause ..... x x x ....x x.... spin ....
.......... leap .......... ..... ..... ..... ..
.... ... pause ... ... .. . xx
............. spin spin spin .. x
..... spin spin .. x
... spin . x
..
x
.

So there.



[ 01. December 2008, 15:29: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
[Roll Eyes] Kelly, don't encourage him! I thought we'd already discussed how offensive a repeat performance would be! [Biased]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
well, I want to thank Kelly (and His Kenwritezness) for that. it had me on the floor!
 
Posted by passer (# 13329) on :
 
Imagine wandering in from Real Life to the Ship for the first time, and seeing the "Religious beliefs and optimism" thread at the top of the Styx. Seeking enlightenment, you click on the latest post, and find this from a venerable denizen:

quote:
Originally posted by Ancient Mariner:
Leo I suggest you PM Hiccup.

(Quietly sidle away......)
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Kelly:
quote:
A long one, but worth it from an historical perspective.

Lyda Rose comments on recent US television offerings

My silly little Hell riff was greeted by such a thunderous silence, I'm truly surprised to find it here.

Thanks, Kel. [Tear]
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Custard, on the Empress of Hell thread in Eccles:

I know the title's traditional, but to me it sounds roughly as batty as a pipistrelle facing some particularly soft bowling.

That might end up in a sig one day...

AG
 
Posted by moonlitdoor (# 11707) on :
 
quote:

orignally posted by Yangtze

I'm not the only one who likes both ways and more besides

( from the gambit memorial thread in case you wonder what she could be referring to )
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Beautiful.

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:


I am Erin's little lamb,
Scared to be a snack I am,
For my gator gently gnaws me,
Nibbles, disembowels and claws me,
Slathers mint sauce on my frame--
And so justifies my name!


 
Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
I've never posted on this thread before. This, from Albertus on the Wycliffe Hall thread, has goaded me out of my silence as being so true of many that I once knew:

quote:
For them, 'living the gospel' seems to be largely about what you do with your twiddly bits and not about how you use power.

 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
Whoever thought the Furry Baby thread in All Saints would be so quoteable? [Big Grin]

quote:

Feh: The fighting is much more sporadic, but there is still way to much hissing and swatting and growling for me. I suppose they are adapting, which is all I can ask. I just wish Cobie and his girlfriend would love each other!

Lamb Chopped: Feh, you're sounding like Jesus contemplating the church


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Left at the Altar's memorable contribution to the Ship's latest recipe thread:
quote:
KenW's just asking for us all to say we want to eat him. Don't encourage him. He'll have his clothes off and smear himself in plum sauce before you can say, "I'm not that hungry".

 
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on :
 
Prosfonesis, on the Understanding Liturgical seasons thread in Eccles

quote:
I'm one of the ill-humored cranks fighting against the modernist tide, striving to keep the adventish stuff inside Advent, the Christmasish stuff inside Christmastide, the Epiphany things clustered close to Epiphany, and the Santa Clausish stuff banished to Walmart and 6 December. I'm really pretty harmless.
I have to agree....
 
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
recidite_plebians on the logistical problems inherent in the Office Christmas lunch:


quote:
Unfortunately we have a number of food extremists who can't eat anything but leaves and a couple of others who are allergic to, well fucking everything as it happens. Add to that the religious crazies who are convinced that an eternal power that created the universe (and is, as we speak apparently, waging a war of annhilation with the forces of evil) really gives a flying fcuk about whether they have goats cheese or chops with their brocolli, and it's all become a very good definition of a pain in the scrotum.

 
Posted by Random Cathoholic (# 13129) on :
 
In the middle of one of his usual profound and carefully thought-out posts, Cyprian reveals his true religion:

quote:
Where it does require the profession of belief in the Body and Blood of Chris, it specifically mentions this within the context of the Divine Liturgy itself.
Clearly he's a Chris-tian.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Oh dear. Will doubtless have dreams of half-naked prancing chalices all night.

This quote by Lamb Chopped is even funnier taken out of context.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Awk! [Eek!]
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
From the Christmas Services thread:

quote:
Originally posted by leo:
quote:
Originally posted by Max.:
Theme: The Eucharist is the best Christmas Meal you will ever have!

Max.

That's because you're a vegetarian.

 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
From Chorister in Hell:

quote:
Well I blame Almighty God - He started it. The high and mighty zapthefuckers King of Kings coming down to heaven as a fluffy bunny baby, indeed. Now that was a really Asshattish thing to do.
... "high and mighty zapthefuckers King of Kings.." [Killing me]

Just. Love. it.
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Erin once again demonstrates why she really deserves the prize for most creative use of the English language:

quote:
I've never been a believer in the idea that leadership means bending over and taking it in the ass like a $5 whore.
Brilliant!
 
Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
Josephine, on Mousethief
quote:
Being married to Mousethief is a blessing and a joy.

He cooks, he does laundry, he fixes things around the house. He keeps my bird feeders filled. He likes to talk about etymology and philosophy and books. He likes stories that have beginnings and middles and proper endings. He cares for my children as if they were his (and indeed adopted the two younger ones). He graciously hosted my former in-laws for visits out here when they were still able to travel. He writes poetry, he sings. He prays. He calms me down if I get wound up. He cleans up his own messes. He removes spiders from the house. He laughs at himself. He puns outrageously. He encourages me to try things that I have been too unsure of myself to try, cheers me when I succeed, consoles me when I don't.

I'm sure that I've thoroughly embarrassed him now, but that's okay. He may or may not be a wonderful shipmate -- that's not for me to decide. But he is a wonderful husband.


 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
Bless [Axe murder]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Basso, for capturing the spirit of the ship so succinctly:

'Every week is Asshat week'.
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
From the Christmas Services thread:

quote:
Originally posted by leo:
quote:
Originally posted by Max.:
Theme: The Eucharist is the best Christmas Meal you will ever have!

Max.

That's because you're a vegetarian.

And his putdown reply: 'That's because you are a protestant'.
 
Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Firenze's inspired by the title "Prince of Fucking Darkness" on the Best Hell Denizen thread:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Which takes practice: first, there's Chatting Up Darkness - Hello Darkness my old friend - then getting it to lower its guard - through a glass darkly - and then, when it's all over, you discover the unfortunate consequences - darkling thrush.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
... and Firenze againze:

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
The woman that rared you would drown nothing.


 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
Mad Cat on the prayer thread:

quote:
Lord, comfort and console your faithful people.

In the dark crook of the year He comes, silent as breath, strong as forever.

Come, Lord, come.

That thread moves me to tears so often these days. Soften our hearts still further, Lord.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Deep thought, with a resonant punchilne, via Nigel M:
quote:
Originally posted by Nigel M:



There comes a time, doesn't there, when we enter the zone of tacit knowledge, where we “know more than we can tell” (a la Michael Polanyi). At best we have to resort to figurative language, somewhat like poor old Ezekiel at the end of his chapter 1 who couldn't explain what God looked like, not could he say what the glory of God looked like; he couldn't even tell us what the likeness of the glory of God looked like, he could only say he saw the appearance of the likeness of the glory of God.

And then he fell down.



 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Joan_of_Quark, in a measured response to someone else's seriously out-of-touch post:

quote:
Again, this seems to be orthogonal to reality.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Comet informing of us of her toilet habits?

crap, I'm sorry! I'll go flush right now.

This really does make sense in context. Honest to God.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Campbellite, in Heaven, on the subject of online Newspapers:

Have you ever tried to line a bird cage with a website?
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Comet informing of us of her toilet habits?

crap, I'm sorry! I'll go flush right now.

This really does make sense in context. Honest to God.

geez. [Hot and Hormonal]

and I dont even have indoor plumbing.
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Comet informing of us of her toilet habits?

crap, I'm sorry! I'll go flush right now.

This really does make sense in context. Honest to God.

geez. [Hot and Hormonal]

and I dont even have indoor plumbing.

You've got the whole of Alaska. If it's good enough for bears, I'm sure a Hellhost can manage.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Does a Hellhost crap in the woods? [Snigger]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Crœsos, on the William Laud thread:
quote:

And I thought his error was supporting the losing side in a civil war. That sort of thing is not conducive to long-term headedness.


 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Hermenneut on the Orthodoxy & Augustine thread

Christianity is met in strange places and in strange ways. I have friends in the Salvation Army - they have no sacraments (not even baptism - which makes me uncomfortable, if I am honest) but I know of an officer who learnt chiropody to care for the feet of homeless people, knowing the many of them suffer in that way. To care for the unwashed feet of the habitual homeless? It does not take too much imagination to realise how awful that might be. So: tradition or no tradition, 'right' or 'wrong' worship, I will stand aside at the gates of the new Jerusalem until such people are let in before me.


 
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
Very simple, quite obvious once she'd pointed it out, but something I'd never noticed:

quote:
Originally posted by Jengie:

Note: "Amateur" implies doing it for love.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
This deserves an honourable mention in the quotes file, as one of the best adverts for the Christian faith I've seen:

When I was 14 after confirmation, I told my Vicar that I didn't believe a word of it, and that God probably didn't exist.

He listened, smiled and said that's fine.

Now I'm a member of a religious order.

And when people tell me they don't believe, I smile and say 'that's fine'.


(Garden Hermit, in Purgatory)
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
In The Styx: Hell Threads
quote:
Originally posted by lily pad:
Hell used to seem scary. It doesn't anymore.

Does that mean I am becoming a Universalist?


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
If Campbellite is going to memorialize lily pad's comment, the continuing conversation with Chorister needs to be here too:

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
No, it means you have been assimilated.

quote:
Originally posted by lily pad:

Oh, okay, thanks for clarifying.

Phew, what a relief, it will be so much easier to explain to my family.



[ 11. January 2009, 01:32: Message edited by: Organ Builder ]
 
Posted by antSJD (# 13598) on :
 
From Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy
TICTH God.

Seriously, what the fuck, God? FOUR deaths this week, three funerals this week? No more. We've reached quota. We're done. Knock this shit off.

Really made me chuckle.
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
quote:
Originally posted by the_raptor:
I am extremely bored. I have given up most of the video games and other crap I used to do, have no romantic prospects, can't find a job I am qualified for, and have six weeks before university starts.


Are you quite sure you aren't a member of the royal family?

 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by antSJD:
From Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy
TICTH God.

Seriously, what the fuck, God? FOUR deaths this week, three funerals this week? No more. We've reached quota. We're done. Knock this shit off.

Really made me chuckle.
Glad to be of service.

I have discovered a severe lack of black clothing in my wardrobe, I might have to wear the same thing twice.
 
Posted by Meg the Red (# 11838) on :
 
Another masterpiece from Spiffy, in the Jezebel Spirit thread in Purg:


I've told people before, that it's quite clear that if Jesus had wanted me for a sunbeam, He wouldn't have made me a raging bitchmonster of doom.

[Overused]

(For some reason, Mr. Red insisted I use it as a sig. Go figure.)
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Hurfy on God: "I get the impression that if He does exist, that's just the sort of thing the capricious sod would decide."

Can't you just tell he's a lawyer? [Biased]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
This classic from Grits, on the Bible Belt thread in Hell:
quote:
We need our Bible Belt to hold up our Truth Trousers.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
the_raptor on the dwindling remains of Bible Belt! thread:
quote:
If it is a zombie thread it should re-die soon from lack of sustenance.

 
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Cranmer's baggage on the Ozblog

    

quote:
"It's hard to tell if a ferret is dizzy."

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
A neat distinction by Adeodatus, on the Sloppy or Fussy thread (Ecccles):

Sloppiness is not caring. Fussiness is caring about the wrong things.
 
Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on :
 
A lovely image from the thread about Wikipedia in Purg, courtesy of The Great Gumby;
quote:
... a self-perpetuating circle of bollocks ...

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
dj_ordinaire in Eccles (in reply to a poster who said they were so snakebelly low they might not belong on that board):

Hey, everyone belongs in Eccles - there are no height restrictions on the worship ride, y'know!

Preach it, bro! [Cool]
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
I found this a refreshing piece of honesty on the part of Ancient Mariner in Heaven:

I've converted far more people to Apple than Christ.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Matt Black on anthropomorphizing snowy roads:
quote:
I'll have to remember, next time I skid or slip, "Treachery! I am betrayed!" Or do a Gollum: "Nassty cruel tricksy roadses, my precious; we hates 'em, we hates 'em forever!"

 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
CuppaT wonderfully reflecting the timelessness of Orthodox worship and practice:

quote:
Suffice it to say that we still do churchings. Ask again in a couple thousand years if that's changed.

 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Matins makes an astute point in a discussion with his Anglican confreres:
quote:
There is a difference between being the middle way between reformed and catholic and being the middle way between orthodoxy and heresy.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Rook, in the Styx thread about trolling, comments on intention as it relates (or doesn't) to action.
quote:
If a tyrranosaurus is nibbling on people in a park, it hardly matters that it meant it in a nice way or was just get a taste of local flavour. Likewise, if a toothless and clawless chihuahua intends murder most heinous, that doesn't mean that it is a risk.

 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
A joint effort from Gort and Janine, over on page 29 of "Today I Consign to Hell...";

Gort: Twilight with hickies? That's Like Mother Theresa with genital warts.

And in reply, Janine: If Ma Theresa had had genital warts, she would have trained them all to go out into the highways and hedges of India to rescue and convert other warts.

AG
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
From the Brisbane Romans thread in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by the coiled spring:
...Would Christ behave in such an evil and dark manner towards Gort when he is like a voice in the wilderness showing the way.

quote:
Twilight: Does this mean there's hope of getting Gort's head on a platter?
quote:
PeteC: Depends. Are you Salome?
quote:
Twilight: Sure. I can still dance, I just need a lot more veils.


[ 21. February 2009, 14:08: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Another from Twilight, confessing deviations from OT law:

quote:
I eat shrimp and pork and would never pound a tent post into my cousin's head no matter how strong a Republican he was.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
From Purgatory, responding to the question of whether we're all a bunch of pagan sun worshipers:
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by Liverpool fan:
Isn't the word Adonai used for Jesus in the NT?

And today is Thor's Day [Eek!] So we are all really worshipping Thor ALL DAY!

And there is worse than that! Songs of Praise - that seedbed of modern Christian worship music - used to be presented by Thora Hird! That PROVES it! Christian hymns are nothing but songs of praise to Thor and Odin! More Odinists and Asatru-buggers! And who did they pass Songs of Praise too when she died? Sally Magnusson, that's who! Who we all know should really be called Sally Magnusdottir. WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO HIDE BY CHANGING HER NAME?

And there is worse than that! Thora Hird's daughter was Janette Scott! Just look at the name! A "Scot" (pronounced "shite") was a kind of Irish pirate in ancient times. "Janette" is a form of the name "Janet" the diminutive of "John" often used a Scottish women's name. "John" is the Hebrew name "Yohanan" or "Yehochanan" which means "God has given" (given what? Secret knowledge of runic magic?) and is also the name of at least three American Presidents including John Kennedy who was assassinated by an unknown assailant (or three - and tree is a highly significant number) while crossing a ley-line over an Indian burial ground in Dallas! CAN THIS POSSIBLY BE A MERE COINCIDENCE? I think not!

And we all remember where we first heard of Janette Scott! don't we?

It's going through your head right now:

[ quote ]
Michael Rennie was ill
The day the earth stood still
But he told us where we stand...

[...]

...And I got really hot
When I saw Janette Scott
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills
Dana Andrews said prunes
Gave him the ruhnes...
[ quote ]

So that's it. ITS THE ALIENS! Transvestite bisexual Odin-worshipping aliens! We are property! The stars are glimpses of the Outer Realms of Light through tears in the membrane surrounding the universe! They twinkle because the sphere is jelly like and wobbles!

Don't be fooled!

We are property!!

Keep watching the skies!!!


 
Posted by Chelley (# 11322) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Deep thought, with a resonant punchilne, via Nigel M:
quote:
Originally posted by Nigel M:



There comes a time, doesn't there, when we enter the zone of tacit knowledge, where we “know more than we can tell” (a la Michael Polanyi). At best we have to resort to figurative language, somewhat like poor old Ezekiel at the end of his chapter 1 who couldn't explain what God looked like, not could he say what the glory of God looked like; he couldn't even tell us what the likeness of the glory of God looked like, he could only say he saw the appearance of the likeness of the glory of God.

And then he fell down.



[Overused] (only just seen this)
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
On the Ozblog thread in All Saints:
quote:
Originally posted by Banner Lady:
[M]aybe one of you evangelical types can cast out the Demon of Real Life for me...

Can I please give up my family for Lent? I need the rest!


 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
On the placebo thread, in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Monitoring the performance of medical professionals is a good idea. Monitoring it with a crap, meaningless measure is a crap idea. If your idea of monitoring GPs' performance is an open survey, completed by a self-selecting sample of laymen whose medical knowledge could be written on a paracetamol tablet with a can of spray paint, complaining because he refused to give them antibiotics to make their cold go away (which is what's being proposed here ATM), you have a performance measure so shit that other shits worship it as a god.

Just lovely.
 
Posted by Malin (# 11769) on :
 
Fantastic sig from Ultracrepidarian at the moment ...

quote:
And, for that matter, [I have] a pastoral concern for anyone who spends more than a few minutes a day taking part in blogsite discussions, especially when they all use code-names: was it for this that the creator God made human beings? -- N T Wright
... glad to know NT Wright is deeply concerned about me [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Hermes66 in Hell:

I'd rather be agnostic than antagonistic.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
This delightful description of the weather is by mrs whibley:

It has just stopped snowing really strange big wet snow here .... The chickens are most unhappy and are blaming us, as usual.

I can just imagine this as the start of a novel, and wanting to keep reading to find out what happens next....
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
Firenze, stating the undubitable truth that

quote:
Life is too short to rot your own anchovies.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
This delightful description of the weather is by mrs whibley:

It has just stopped snowing really strange big wet snow here .... The chickens are most unhappy and are blaming us, as usual.

I can just imagine this as the start of a novel, and wanting to keep reading to find out what happens next....

It's pity it's been posted here. (I think that it might count as "publishing", especially since the Ship basically copyright's everything here.) It would be a great entry to the
Bulwer-Lytten Contest. Maybe mrs. whibley could tweak it so that it would be submittable.

ETA: [Hot and Hormonal] I hasten to say it's NOT a badly written sentence, just wonderfully quirky in the Bulwer-Lytten manner.

[ 10. March 2009, 04:42: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on :
 
From Malin, over in Eccles:

quote:
Sometimes I feel totally at sea in a minefield of perspectives. [brick wall]


[ 10. March 2009, 09:26: Message edited by: kingsfold ]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
On the All Saint Vocations thread
quote:
Originally posted by Burbling Psalmist:
If God wants you (and I have a feeling He does), God will get you. [Angel] Which is both very cool and utterly terrifying...


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Sandemaniac, in Heaven, sneaks a little Church History into a discussion about signs of Spring:
quote:
We seem to have Martin Luther living in our box bush, judging by the diet of worms that something in there is being fed by a male blackbird.

 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
Adeodatus explains the Liberal Democrats:

quote:
for non-UK Shipmates, they're a rather small political party, the political equivalent of a small yappy dog
[Snigger]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Janine, describing a wonderful meal:

quote:
We lay there for a while, like new-fed pet snakes, draped across our chairs and table as if the lamp overhead was our heat-lamp.

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
From the Heaven thread about artistic sheep.

The Weeder:
The sheep here in the Forest completely ignore the dogs, who try to herd hens instead.

cliffdweller:
(sigh). The story of my life.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Firenze responds to a Hell rant:
quote:

(extract from a mss found down the back of a 17th C radiator in the Bodleian)

'...and even from the Daies of the Prophet Jeremy, it hath fallen to One to Rail on the Follies and Vices of Mankind and the Sure Judgements which will follow on their Destestable Courses. Yet it is observ'd that Men are like unto certain Insects that cease not to copulate e'en as they are devoured, and that Ill Consequences in no wise dissuade Carnal Appetites. Thus it is that these Soothsayers are like to their Original Cassandra ever crying unto Deafened Ears...'


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
she's baaaack: [Axe murder]
quote:
soon as you get that beautiful old-growth endangered log clear-cut out of your own eyeball then you can bitch about the rest of us.

losers.

our little comet, back in our sky looking like a fuzzy tennis ball just before her fiery tail whacks us in the face.

[ 09. April 2009, 01:13: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
You've maybe all heard this one before, but it was new to me and made me laugh:


quote:
Originally posted by The Galloping Granny:
quote:
Originally posted by Angel Wrestler:

It's just hard to stay enthusiastic when you are really trying to engage folks and you're preaching to 8 rows of empty pews.

We used to call it 'preaching to the Wood family'.

 
Posted by Wet Kipper (# 1654) on :
 
From Lamb Chopped in Heaven, talking about vitamin supplements in the Question thread.
quote:
diarrhea.... is not something to sneeze at.
you're not wrong !

[ 11. April 2009, 09:39: Message edited by: Wet Kipper ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Sarah G, replying to another Shipmate:

quote:
Thank you immensely. I had planted some mushrooms ten days ago, and needed to compost them this weekend. I had completely forgotten until I saw your post.

 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
In the Prayer thread by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:

God keeps us all clasped tightly to his bosom, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Every once in a while we get to stick out heads out and wiggle them around a bit. But it's when we just want to curl up and bury ourselves that we're clasped most tightly.

[ETA a Happy *Sigh*] [Smile]

[ 29. April 2009, 20:42: Message edited by: jedijudy ]
 
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
Matt Black in his purg thread:

quote:

I like wearing Freudian slips; they're more comfortable than negligees and show off my figure to greater effect.


 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
From The Midge on Christian zeal:

quote:
Hopefully mature spirtual love should not spoil so many sausages as it matures.
I like it [Big Grin]
 
Posted by chive (# 208) on :
 
From Dal Sagno when the Scottish thread was diverted for a short time to Ecclesiantics:

quote:
Well, let's start with a discussion of appropriate colours for clerical robes:

Advent: black
Christmas: black
Lent: black
Eastertide: black
Pentecost: black

Still giggling when I think about it.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
The Great Gumby (on the SoF Eurovision Song contest thread):

That was the biggest load of balalaikas I've seen in some time.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Don't mind me, just taping something to the fridge...

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Ay de mi! What does this mean?

WE should fear, love, and trust Kelly, so that we do not stuff up our code, nor forget highly important commandments, and in particular never fail to supply a link to the Bible passage we are massacreing. This is most certainly true.

[Big Grin] (sigh)
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Leaf:
You could announce, "We no longer believe in the Trinity" and most would shrug, but God help you if you change the order in which the candles are lit.

Up in Heaven, on the "Marriage: The School for Character" thread, where it is even funnier in context.
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
THEN I get to mow the lawn. Yippie fucking skippy.

Get a scythe.
Fuck that. Get a goat.
Nah, I won't fuck a scythe. I'll leave the goat alone too.
From hell, of course.
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
From the 'You keep using that word...' thread in Purg, Petaflop did this thing:

quote:
The quoted claim is slightly unusual - escewing the more normal form "words mean what people use them to mean", demanding a cultural contextual reading.

Rather, to claim that "words mean what the author intends them to mean" argues for the tyranny of the author, which is itself a modernist attempt to cling to some semblance [of] absolute meaning in the face of a crushing post-structuralist critique.

However, I suspect that most instances of this claim are not actually making nuanced statements of a literary theoretical position, but rather using it as a euphemism in place of saying 'I misspoke'.

[ETA - I'm bluffing. I'm a scientist really]

Read it out loud to yourself, and you'll see what I mean. It's like a sort of brisk walk through a sun-dappled beech wood in September for the tongue. Exceedingly satisfying.
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Originally posted by amber. in All Saints, about a senior member of clergy who says he can't write Flat Prose:

quote:
Minutes from his Meetings must be fun:

"Today we had a meeting
It all went very well
We discussed bits of heaven
and my colleagues pondered hell.

Tomorrow is the Synod:
We're going to have such fun!
I'd hope to drink a cup of tea
and eat a currant bun"


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ok, off-board quote, but very shippy, and causing me pause for thought:

quote:
It takes men two minutes to have an orgasm, and it takes women twenty minutes. What further proof do you need that there is no God?
--Penn Gillette.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
On an entirely different note: A more perfect tribute I cound not imagine--

quote:
Originally posted by Mamacita:
quote:
Originally posted by Erin:
RIP Billy Mays. You sold me a bunch of shit I didn't need. I will miss you yelling at me from the TV.

In memorium, I'm going to go throw a scoop of OxyClean™ into the washer.


[ 30. June 2009, 02:00: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Mamacita again, discussing Michael Jackson's demise with her offspring:
quote:
quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:
Did they give you that look?

They were quite gleeful about it. I didn't raise no fluffy bunnies.
[On the deathpool thread, of course...]

[ 30. June 2009, 18:28: Message edited by: basso ]
 
Posted by booktonmacarthur (# 14308) on :
 
*BUMP*

Surely there is more to be quoted! [Cool]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
So go find it! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
All about Max thread in Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by Foaming Draught:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
"You really don't understand Calvinism very well." Probably not. I'm a wishy-washy Liberal, you see.

I'll send you some tulips.

FD


 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Gildas in Purg on the Are atheism and fundamentalism really the only choices? thread, partly because it made me laugh out loud, and partly because a post by Gildas is worth celebrating:

quote:
I may be missing the point here but this is all a bit like Barnabas62 saying that it's a bit challenging to join the SAS because you get to yomp across the Brecon Beacons with a bloody great rucksack on during basic training. You seem to be saying that it can't be challenging because the Paras also yomp across the Brecon Beacons with a bloody great rucksack on*. The point is that joining the special forces is difficult which ever particular lot you have signed up with.
<snip>
*ETA militaria anoraks who want to correct my blithe misuse of the training regimen of the SAS et. al. can get stuffed. It were all yomping across the Brecon Beacons when I were a lad.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
(Campbellite- [Snigger] Good one! I likes me tulips, even if I don't like TULIP.)

Originally posted by Firenze in response to Max.'s scatter-shot rant:
quote:

I'm grappling with the ideas that -

a) God has a dining room
b) it has carpet (why not wood? or tile? or stone flags? So much easier).
c) His dining room has shit all over it (pets? incontinence?)
d) He fails to notice (possibly failing faculties, possibly the nasty swirly pattern).

And you worship this being? Sounds more like a case for Social Services.


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Damn, Lyda, you beat me! [Big Grin]

Firenze is one of the posters here guaranteed to make me laugh or thinks.
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
A twofer!

In the Metropolitan Community Church thread, in reply to someone basically stating gay men have sex at the drop of a hat (which is why they own so many hats) first this was said:

quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
If GLBT persons had as much sex as some people seem to think they do, they'd never have time to march in parades, coordinate their outfits, or plan the Ultimate Destruction of Traditional Marriage, which we all know is their true agenda.

Then, in reply, there was this:

quote:
Originally posted by LutheranChik:
And it's always interesting to find gay women cut out of these scenarios. I guess while all the boys are doing the One Thang we're at home braiding the hair on our unshaven legs or something. [Roll Eyes]



[ 15. July 2009, 17:18: Message edited by: Spiffy ]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
From the coiled spring in his "Sack the Matey" thread in Purg. This is mostly for the record as I've not seen it before.

quote:

Well, you know,” drawled the old farmer, this matey fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.

The old farmer said, “When you’re driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s called a fencepost tortoise.”

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he definitely doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place.”

Who doesn't have these at w*rk too?
 
Posted by chive (# 208) on :
 
Spiffy cracking me up in hell:

quote:
I don't want to be in control of my life. I'd rather be in control of other people's lives.

DANCE, MY MINIONS!


 
Posted by OliviaG (# 9881) on :
 
RooK in Styx:

quote:
Deal with it.

Preferably somewhere else. I suggest a brothel; somewhere that even if they don't give a fuck, you can at least rent one.

After twenty years on the front lines of customer service, this just leaves me [Killing me] [Overused] OliviaG
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
A little history: Erin (as the end of a slippery slope argument) declared she was going to buy a lot of guns and keep them under her pillow. Gwai pointed out that would be quite lumpy, and Janine explains how it works:


quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
There are two kinds of lumpy-bedding royalty.

There are Pansy Princesses who bruise black-and-blue when you insert a dried pea under their mattress...

And there are Empresses who sleep with their treasures under their pillows, and such is the quality of the lady, the treasures shift and conform their positions so as to accommodate their Queen.

So there.


 
Posted by ephemera (# 13355) on :
 
I don't think anyone posted this. It's another Rookism and it's a beauty...
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Ah, the web of (internet) life is not always pretty. Especially when you watch a foolish buzzing bundle of terminal earnestness fling itself bodily into a loathsome glob of 99% pure trollite.


 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Kelly Alves, on the "New Dawn" thread in Purg:


quote:
And it was really the idea of taking communion again that did it. The idea of kneeling with a group of other spiritually hungry folk, having one of them handing you bread to feed you, and passing you a cup to refresh you, and watching the people at the altar serving each other a helping before they headed out to feed us-- this moves me more than I can describe.

[Tear]

(And move over, Anne Lamott!)
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Mousethief, on the Purg thread "Heresy of heresies":

quote:
Let the faith community that is without sin cast the first stone. (Thankfully the anabaptists are pacifists and don't throw stones at people.)

 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
On the 'sex before marriage' thread in DH, Lamb Chopped posted this gem:

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
"Getting it over and done with" is a far better approach to dentistry than to sex.

If only you knew how many jokes have risen unbidden to my mind ...
 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
This made me smile:

quote:
Originally posted by Pancho:
quote:
Originally posted by Darllenwyr:
Surely one of the defining features of the True Anglican (TM) is always sitting in the back pew in services ...

Catholics do that too.

True ecumenism will be founded on a mutual fear of the front row.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
This quote from ken is appallingly politically incorrect, but hilarious:

"Oxbridge rejects from major public schools go to Durham or St Andrews. Posh students who won't admit that they really wanted to go to Oxford, really, go to Bristol or Exeter. Clever posh people who genuinely didn't want Cambridge go to Edinburgh or Sussex or Kings or LSE or sometimes Birmingham (believe it or not). Clever people who aren't posh and don't really care about being posh go to Imperial or Glasgow or Sheffield or Warwick or Leeds. Just possibly Manchester or even Nottingham. Ones who aren't as posh or as clever as they think they are go to York, or if they are having a really bad day, Reading."
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
It is certainly true that Bristol uni students (unlike UWE students) tend to be posh. I work in the chaplaincy and I hear their twangy accidents in the street where I live. They tend have posh names too.

I know that is a generalisation but, like most generalisations, there is a grain of truth in it.
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
More from ken, in his Hell call to coiled spring:

quote:
Its almost as if you thought that if you dared to actually say anything bad about the bishops, a crack squad of Arcdeaconmateys would chase down your broadband connection, leap out of your computer screen, bundle you into a passing Popemobile, take you to a deserted darkened abbey on the moors, tie you down on a desecrated altar, smear you with honey brutally stolen from peace-loving blind geriatric monks in Palestine, and release thousands of stoned starving rabid rats into the room to eat you alive.


 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
This typo from leo in the SoF Quotes file thread is gorgeous:

quote:
Originally posted by leo:
I hear their twangy accidents in the street where I live.


 
Posted by uncletoby (# 13067) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Triple Tiara:
More from ken, in his Hell call to coiled spring:

quote:
Its almost as if you thought that if you dared to actually say anything bad about the bishops, a crack squad of Arcdeaconmateys would chase down your broadband connection, leap out of your computer screen, bundle you into a passing Popemobile, take you to a deserted darkened abbey on the moors, tie you down on a desecrated altar, smear you with honey brutally stolen from peace-loving blind geriatric monks in Palestine, and...


I found it almost erotic until I got to the rats.
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
This typo from leo in the SoF Quotes file thread is gorgeous:

quote:
Originally posted by leo:
I hear their twangy accidents in the street where I live.


Whoops!
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I think that was a twangy accident.
 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
Patrick the rather saintly [Biased] in How to be "recognizably Anglican" thread in purg, opines delightfully

quote:
Anglicans have had relatively less experience taking England with them,* although they have done a pretty good job at showing the world that the Body and Blood of our Lord and Saviour should be followed with tea and then a Sunday roast.
*Than Jews taking Israel.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
RooK administers a well-deserved smackdown in Hell:
quote:

Words only have meaning in terms of what is generally agreed upon, unless you're Humpty Dumpty.

I have met Humpty Dumpty, and you, sir, are not he. All the kings horses and all the kings men would fucking push you off the motherfucking wall just to be done with you.

Hell quotes are rarely worth bringing to this thread, but Kelly and I both think this one more than meets the standard. Good one, RooK!
 
Posted by Wiff Waff (# 10424) on :
 
Timothy the Obscure in Hell:

quote:
... Sorry, I'm a Quaker and a psychotherapist, cursed with a double fluffy-bunny whammy...

 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
RadicalWhig, on the "Playing Church" thread in Heaven, made me thankful my older brothers used only the Native Americans for inspiration:

quote:
Surely every healthy child has played "Inquisitors and Heretics" with their little brother. I still have My First Breaking Wheel somewhere in the attic.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh, I had to save this:

After hearing about macaroni and cheese served at Vacation Bible School:

quote:
Originally posted by Gee D:
Sorry Lamb Chopped , but I had read VBS as Veneration of the Blessed Sacrament.



 
Posted by ephemera (# 13355) on :
 
Another great Gort-ism on the Amnesty thread in the Styx:
quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
What are you posting from? Some 14.4kps pedal-powered, cuneiform enabled chiseling device?


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Bulfrog. answers the burning question, "Spiritual but not religious: What does this mean?":
quote:
I've been thinking lately that it's like saying you're literate, but you haven't picked a language yet.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Ariel, so I can read and re-read it in the depths of Midwestern winter:

quote:
Since you ask - a baking hot afternoon of summer sunshine in Oxfordshire. Just right for visiting a historic house and wandering through beautiful gardens with old archways edged with climbing roses, and borders with tall blue and white flowers, then down to the stream, sparkling in the sunlight. Waterfowl swimming purposefully along. A huge fish coming almost to the surface, shimmering pale gold in the murky water. Butterflies dancing everywhere. Fields with sheep grazing peacefully under large shady trees in the near distance, lush, gentle green hills in the far distance. A deep azure sky. The first few leaves beginning to fall, a reminder that August is nearly done: slowly, inevitably, we move into the richness that is late summer and early autumn.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
And another, from Firenze (woo hoo!):

quote:
Originally posted by Helen-Eva:
Having been brought up by scientific atheists I played with dinosaurs and knew a great deal about their evolution... (Both the dinosaurs and the atheists, now I come to think about it)

I'm sorry, that just conjures a picture of you abandoned as a baby in the Jurassic wilds until found and suckled by a wandering herd of atheists...
 
Posted by booktonmacarthur (# 14308) on :
 
From the Styx thread on Ecclesiantics

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Originally posted by Lietuvos Sv. Kazimieras:
I wonder why the administrators as a group have at this particular time seen it meet to act with one accord to quash any criticism or confrontation of their judgements.

I can't speak for the whole group, but my personal explanation is that I'm just a bad person - both petty and cruel. Strictly speaking, the Campaign To Crush Hope isn't scheduled to start until October.

 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
From Lamb Chopped:

quote:
Because man does not live by bread alone. Occasionally a little cake is needed.
A little cake is always good.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Spiffy speaks the truth on the excommunication thread:
quote:

Lamb Chopped, if there's one thing I've learned in my ramblings around this great big world, it's that any church is sometimes indistinguishable from an asylum.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Gort in his Gort way explains the nature of perceived reality to RadicalWhig:
quote:
NOTHING you experience through your senses is the REAL thing. Gittit?

You sound as though you are watching a Milla Jovovich movie and bitching because her tits feel like a flat-screen TV.


 
Posted by Gildas (# 525) on :
 
That last one from Gort was sheer class, wasn't it?

St. Thomas Aquinas is sitting on a cloud somewhere kicking himself that it didn't make it into the Summa Contra Gentiles.
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
This is perhaps the best pithy rejoinder I've heard in a long while, from Moo:

quote:
quote:
Originally posted by RadicalWhig
What I am struggling to understand is how sane, rational, intelligent, honest people, can believe it.

I don't understand how sane, rational, intelligent, honest people can disagree with me about anything. However, I have long since accepted the fact that they do.

 
Posted by PeteC (# 10422) on :
 
And from that same thread, as well as Moo's comment, I like IngoB's

quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
quote:
Originally posted by §Andrew:
(Oh, and IngoB, you can turn your anger to your priests that make it so easy for sacrilege to take place...)

What makes you think that I'm particularly angry? RW is a knave posing as a freethinker, you are a garden gnome posing as a philosopher. I'm expecting a white rabbit to run past, muttering "Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!", anytime soon now...

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Uncle Pete beat me to it! but he left out one of his great contributions to the thread.
quote:
Originally posted by PeteC:
quote:
Originally posted by RadicalWhig:
PeteC, you, of all the respondents to this thread, have been the most thoroughly arrogant. You have contributed nothing but scorn and unpleasantness. You've even outdone Leo. Well done.

Thank you. I do my best.
such modesty!
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Okay, so which thread are all of those from?
 
Posted by OliviaG (# 9881) on :
 
Being particularly weary of left-right polarization at this particular moment in history, this, from the Hell thread ' "the worst Bible verse ', made me [Killing me] :

quote:
Originally posted by BillyPilgrim:
... And you keep referring to those among us who disagree with you as "Marxists". Can you supply chapter and verse from the works of Karl Marx in support of your contention? And please not the one about the "opiate of the masses".

Or did you mean Groucho?

OliviaG
 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
Fletcher Christian describes life in Dublin

[Overused] [Killing me] [Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by rugasaw:

*I have doubts to your ability to understand anything deeper than Mt Everest.

Gosh, it's good to see Rugasaw around more lately. Yatahai, man.
 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
From Anoesis in Hell:

quote:
Honestly, you make Jack T. Chick seem like a lucid and reasonable individual with something important to say...
Oh, I must remember that one! [Snigger]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Marvin consigns attention whores to Hell:

quote:
If you crave attention - of any kind - that much, go pay for it up a side alley like the rest of the losers and freaks.


 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
What is it with LatA? (from, believe it or not, the apples thread in heaven: the whole thing is necessary to gain the context):

.
.
.
.
[Quoth LatA thus:]

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
quote:
Originally posted by ken:

Plant sex is much more complicated than our animal kind!

Oh, I dunno ...
Agreed. Just try having it with three teenagers in the house. Almost impossible.
I'm amazed you can have plant sex at all.
You should try it, MT. Stand in one corner of your garden with your male parts waving about, and put Josephine in another part of the garden, with her lady thingies at the ready, and wait for a bee. Tricky and somewhat time-consuming, but it gets you out of the house.

The kids find it very embarassing though and will do all they can to stop it.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
That was well worth it, Zappa. [Big Grin]

Archived, simply because it is such an Ecclesiantics thing to say:

quote:
Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:
Call me crazy but I love the click, click, click sound of a swinging thurible!


 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Ken on fine form on the Tchaikovsky thread in Heaven. Even though I disagree with large chunks of this (especially the Mozart bit) it was just a perfect read: [Smile]

quote:
On the other hand I find most pre-jazz piano music boring (except for the huge show-off concertos - talking of which the final of the Leeds Piano competition is on RIGHT NOW and the poor blole played a disctinct wrong note within a few bars of coming in - but other than that is doing pretty well) and I can easily get fed up with the dominant high-pitched violin-and-clarinet sound of a lot of late 18th & early 19th century music and I've had it up to HERE with boring songs with rambling tedious melody lines with some dull tinkly piano accompaniment and lyrics about depressed lost Germans wandering in the wintry wilderness trying to get up enough passion to top themselves and THAT BLOODY TROUT. I mean its a nice enough tune but did Schooperson really have to make the song three weeks long? If Berlioz had orchestrated it it would have been over with in three minutes forty five and involved a horn section the size of a planet, a number of distinct explosions, and ended up with the composer eating the fish on stage after it had been fried in a kettle drum.

OK, the Schupeople aren't always that bad, but they are that best when at their most populist and flashy. The serious intense stuff is boring. Out of the immediate contemporaries or successors of Beethoven - say the composers between Haydn and Wagner - or work written before 1848 - I prefer Rossini and especially Mendelsohn to Chopin or Schubert. And Brahms can be good when he is being sentimental, Berlioz when he is being pompous, and Liszt when he is showing off. Which I suppose is nearly always for all three of them.

And so I don't really like Mozart that much. He's alright, but too cool and too tricksy and too glib. The best bits are the operas and the religious pieces. When he lets some emotion in. (Or else fakes it well)

And why do foolish people say Bach is emotionless or mathematical? He's a screaming world of stuff compared to Mozart's mild-mannered slightly snooty uber-cool not-quite-frivolity.

Mozart's music so often says "aren't I clever? Isn't the Kaiser a nice bloke? Aren't we all rather clever together for liking Me? Would anyone like to commission a quartet? What are you doing after the party? Oh, no-one goes there anymore Darling! Yes, tedious, isn't it?"


On the other hand Bach's music typically says: "Glory to God in the Highest! And Peace to his people on Earth! And Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive glory and honour and power! And isn't creation wonderful! And there is all this stuff going on in my head! Talking of which I've been up all night and could do with a coffee. No, make that a beer. In fact I want a double coffee AND a pint of lager. And shoot that bloody piano player. AND WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PAY ME YOU TIGHT SAXON BASTARDS????"

Trust me, its all in there somewhere.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
[Killing me] That last bit about Bach about made me snort up my soft drink!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Eek!]

Damn, ken.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
However, let us not overlook the power of succinctness*:

quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
As I first moved into circles in which classical music was spoken of, I dared to mention those composers I liked, Tchaikovsky and Elgar first equal among them. It was akin to saying one loves "Shine Jesus Shine" in Eccleeseywotsit.

*Mousethief, feel free to use this as a sig.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Simple wisdom, but absolutley true:

quote:
Originally posted by PeteC:
Weddings are meant to go off the rails, but somehow it all comes right at the end of the day.


 
Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
Alwyn pays tribute to ken in Purgatory:
quote:
debating with Ken in Purgatory feels a bit like, in a martial arts film, challenging the old man with the wispy beard and the enigmatic smile to a fight

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The prophets say the same thing over and over again, but does anyone listen?

quote:
the Bible is not there for us to look for textual loopholes which allow us to hurt and damage our neighbours in defiance of all we've been told about loving them.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
PhilA keeps it relative in Hell:
quote:
I've never heard as much utter musical snobbery in my life - and I've worked with church organists.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Beat me to it, C.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
RooK gives out some punishment for the economic problems of the day:
quote:
I hope you choke to death on your stock broker's testicles.

 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
I rather felt Crœsos' question had a point to it:
quote:

As an admitted outsider perhaps someone could clear this up for me. Which duties of an Anglican bishop require the use of his penis? It seems like many people regard this as an absolutely essential organ for whatever it is that Anglican bishops do, but no one seems to be willing to spell it out explicitly.



 
Posted by Nunzia (# 4766) on :
 
I love Quinine's response to Presbyopic on the Heaven thread in which we contemplate the possibility of getting an email from God.

quote:
Originally posted by Presbyopic:
He's not offering to enlarge any erm...body parts, is He?

That's what usually ends up in my spam folders.

quote:
Yeah, that sounds about right for a technology manufacturer, doesn't it - He issues you with something that just passes muster and then invites you to upgrade.


 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
I very much liked this sentence from Jessie Phillips' summary of the apocalyptic perspective, in Purgatory:

quote:
Our only hope is that there's a Great Big Sky Daddy up there, and that one day, the Great Big Sky Daddy is going to throw the Great Big Switch from the "Fucked" position to the "Sorted" position.

 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
B62 on the BNP:

quote:
Ah, this brought back some happy memories of the Nixon-McGovern campaign. Someone at the time commented on the choice this way.

"McGovern is a louse, but Nixon is a double-louse".

Voting is a responsible thing to do - all you need to do is spot a pin's difference between one candidate or party and vote on that. So far as the BNP and its leader are concerned, its not a case of louse, or even double-louse, but louse to the power of a very large number.


 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
In a discussion between Call Me Numpty and leo on whether panentheism was a Christian idea or not, I found this quote which, for me, epitomizes everything that is right about the Ship in general and Purgatory in particular, as a place (unlike much the rest of the internet) for intelligent debate.

Posted by Call Me Numpty

quote:
I'll have to scurry off and do some reading in order to disagree with you properly.

 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
patdys, on yet another navel-gazing thread in Styx:

quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
I used to think this was a community.
With all the second guessing, bitching and name calling, I have changed my mind.


It's a family.

But I wouldn't suggest calling Erin mum.

Kelly applauds and says she's LHAO.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
Basso, you beat me to it.
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
You beat me to it, too.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
the multi-named artist currently named Silver Faux, in Hell:
quote:
For the record, I do not consider myself either liberal or conservative; self-absorbed pretty much covers it.

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Zappa, in Heaven
quote:
And, apart from Anne Hathaway I doubt if I'd recognize a film star if they shat in my shoes.

And I'd rather even she didn't do that.


 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Firenze, over on the "Good alcohol names" thread in heaven:

women in chiffon dresses with the kind of necklines that show off your appendectomy scar.

[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]

AG
 
Posted by W Hyatt (# 14250) on :
 
Johnny S, in response to The Atheist's "How far do Admin powers extend?" OP in the Styx:

quote:
Honestly, why don't you work these things out by empirical observation like everyone else rather than relying on revelation from above?

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
RuthW:
quote:
If the thread was some short-skirted floozy that was just asking for it, well, that'd be one thing. But assaulting a decent well-behaved thread is really out of line.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Lyda beat me, but I want to preserve the entire exchange:
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
quote:
Originally posted by Anna B:
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
it seems like a perfectly good thread to me, very solid, nothing flashy or untoward, and nothing he in particular should have a problem with.

Goodness me, I don't know what the poor thread's appearance or behavior has to do with this. Next you'll be going around measuring hemlines. [Razz]
If the thread was some short-skirted floozy that was just asking for it, well, that'd be one thing. But assaulting a decent well-behaved thread is really out of line.

 
Posted by Hennah (# 9541) on :
 
I know it's been around for a while now, but I think Comet's sig (above) deserves a mention.

Makes me smile every time I see it [Snigger]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Better quote it because when she changes it, it won't be there anymore.

"Have a Pheasant Plucking Day"
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
There's a tongue twister which goes:

I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son, And I'll keep on plucking pheasants, Till the pheasant plucker comes.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
The tongue twister I learned (in Church Choir, of course...) was:

"I am a very pleasant mother-pheasant plucker. In fact, I am the most pleasant mother-pheasant plucker that ever plucked a mother pheasant, Sir."

I did learn one very similar to yours (also in Choir), NEQ, but it was about fig pluckers...
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
Radical Whig in the "Why Bother with The Ship" thread in Purg:

quote:
my wife is Catholic and the Ship helps me to understand why she does strange things with candles.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Alfred E. Neuman:
quote:
Originally posted by Jamat:
...Any of you could have closed this thread pages ago.
Instead you let it become a pissing contest

I tried to keep my zipper shut but my dick kept sticking its head out and shouting, "Hey! Anyone wanna rumble?!"
[Killing me]
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Adeodatus in the "Assume there is no god" thread in Purg (thread is about what a god-less spirituality might look like):

quote:
PS:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
A magic hat and a god are on completely different levels, it seems to me.

I wish someone would point that out to a few bishops I could mention.

 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
THIS gave me much enjoyment at the mental thought...for some reason very funny....

Originally posted by RooK on the Why religion is dangerous, Part LXVII thread in hell in response to Jamat's post talking about The Athesit...
quote:
Personally, I'm hoping he gets blasted into jelly by a meteoroid - screw merely being disallowed access to post on a private bulletin board.


(I keep picturing lime green jello). [Killing me]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
relative newbie shipmate Anyuta on a bizarre little clusterfuck in Purg, now mercifully closed:
quote:
the plural of anecdote is not "data".
I need to post that on my wall.

[ 20. November 2009, 09:04: Message edited by: comet ]
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
Qlib on the "National Characteristics" thread in Purg.

quote:
Mixer taps! Who the hell wants bloody mixer taps?! You talk about them as if they were the sine qua non of civilized living instead of the bloody nuisance they actually are.

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Hiro's Leap, on the Hell thread about Cookie Monster loving vegetables

quote:
I'll be suitably outraged when Miss Piggy stops hitting Kermit and starts lecturing on the evils of domestic violence against men.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Kelly Alves on the IN CROWD:
quote:
I'm out because I had my fifteen minutes back in '02 or so, and you know you don't get that back. But I have high hopes that someday I will be desirable kitsch.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek, on the Time Travel Thread:
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
I am still stuck between the first celebration at stonehenge, which I think would be awesome, and the resurrection, which I also think would be a fantastic event. Actually, not the actual event, but a meeting after it would be good.

Good thing you specified that - I can just see you in the tomb with a watch standing over the dead body of Our Lord waiting to say, "Hello!" the moment he opened his eyes. "And how was hell? Did you find it harrowing?"

I'm sure that, being all-knowing, he would stay dead until your hour was up. [Biased]

Just [Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ok, based on that and a couple other exchanges, I now pick churchgeek as my Quotefile Person To Watch for 2010.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Two from Ecclesiantics. On the topic of saying, "This is the Word of the Lord":

quote:
Originally posted by Think²:
I've always rather liked it - the liturgical equivalent to "fucking pay attention, people"

and later, on the same thread, this gem:

quote:
Originally posted by Angloid:
We anglicans are so woolly that at least Jesus won't have any problem recognising us as his sheep.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Lambchopped to the Kid Who Cracked in the Styx:
quote:
I know we've had our run-ins before, but for the life of me I can't remember anything but a vague annoyance now. It's the Sooper-Secret Rub-Out Ray--the Admins use it to keep us from turning into a bunch of rampaging grudge monkeys. Stay around.
"a bunch of rampaging grudge monkeys" [Killing me]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Janine:
quote:
Sheesh. So he [Tiger Woods] might lose a couple endorsements, OOooOOooOoohhh. Maybe make eleventy-gabillion dollars next year instead of oh-God-oh-God-was-that-an-orgasm dollars. How sad for him.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Loveheart:
quote:
Originally posted by pimple:
OMG! If Christians can joke like this - can I come back? [Smile]

Is that you, Jesus?

 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Motherboard in Manifest Destiny in All Saints:

quote:
I may make cookies, if I feel the call from my hips, if they want some more inches on them.
I'm right there with you, sister!
 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
Ken on the attitudes of some MotR CofE parishes:
quote:
Opposition to homosexuality might be OK between consenting adults in private so long as they don't frighten the horses, but its not something decent people speak about in public.

 
Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
quote:
Yeah, sorry, I don't trust most bishops farther than I can throw them, and that particular bishop ain't particularly aerodynamic.

Spiffy, during the "Shivers down the spine" thread.

A comment with wide applicability!
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
mousethief to Mogwai in Hell on ken (ken?!) being incapable of objective conversation:
quote:
Damsel, you drank the Kool-Aid and then ate the cup.

 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Another one from RooK, this time from the Think squared thread in The Styx:

quote:
I can understand that you're doing it out of an interest to engage in conversation, but many people just don't like engaging in deliberately stupid conversations.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Originally posted by Fr Weber on the "Lesbians and the Bible" thread in DH:

Sex rarely has anything to do with "making sense". Reason is not the source of desire.

(edited to fix UBB)

[ 17. December 2009, 16:14: Message edited by: mousethief ]
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Hehe the description of the ol' fruit commparing anaglogy done in a splendid way. Cracked me up this morning....
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Actually I was just being a smart-ass about IngoB comparing the RCC Magisterium to the study of a neurological system. Apples and oranges. <snip! cut!!>Having back-pedaled out of the strange citrus and pomaceous fruit grove, here endeth the tangent.

(see post in its context here ) [Angel]


[keyboard skipped.]

[ 21. December 2009, 14:37: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oooh, I hope nobody cross-posts and gets this first:

quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
It might very well be my duty to bring an unbeliever to Christ. But I'm never gonna get it done by hitting him over the head with my Jesus puppet. People need to get a clue.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh not a quote, but loved this word:


quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
dogmarrhea


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Josephine:

It's a fact of life that you would do well to learn: any time you begin to think that you are the holiest, most pious, or most devout person in a group, that you alone understand the will of God, and that no one around you cares about the divine will, you should look for the wolf in your own heart, because it will be there.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
In other news, Think² gets her bitch on in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Think²:
I'll believe in your prayer ministry when I see you pray over an amputee and have their legs grow back. 'Till then, not so much.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Basso humbly requested I submit this while I am logged on:

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Singing Bass is easy - all you need to have is a beard and all you need to know is the tune to Hot Cross Buns. [Biased]


 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
In other news, Think² gets her bitch on in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Think²:
I'll believe in your prayer ministry when I see you pray over an amputee and have their legs grow back. 'Till then, not so much.


Meanwhile, I am thinking of Pinochio's nose growing as he tells of these healings.
 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by ToujoursDan:
The comment section is even more hilarious... as if the Church of England is some totalitarian cult that has the capacity to brainwash anyone.

You are right of course. But its kind of weird. We can get scared of "brainwashing cults" set up by a few poor people in some decrepid city in the arse-end of nowhere. But the Church of England, which is the offical established religion (with free seats in Parliament for its top leaders) of most of the UK, that is the fourth or fifth biggest military power in the world, and within living memory ran the largest empire in history and has nuclear missiles and aircraft carriers and the best hunter-killer submarines in the world and the most efficient special forces military in the world and has started - and still starts - more wars than any other country in history, the Church of that England for all its compromise with power and establishment, is utterly and ineffably safe. Mostly harmless. Even cuddly.
From a thread about targeting children. Ya know, I never thought of it that way, but I think he may be onto something...
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
iGeek responding to brightmorning star in Dead Horses:

quote:

And you don't get to pronounce that I am not a Christian. Nope. Not in your remit nor power.



 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
A gentle lesson from Dal Segno (pardon the tautology!):

quote:
Swearing is not the same as rudeness. "You are clearly an ignorant slug with no more sense than an amoeba" is rude but contains no swearing. "That was a bloody brilliant post, you old bastard" contains swearing but is not rude.
Perhaps it is the chief divine purpose of dazzling pre-lunch constellations, to inspire such pretty posts!

{ETA escaped swearword)

[ 29. December 2009, 11:18: Message edited by: pimple ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Good Point, Spif.

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
If Jesus wanted me for a sunbeam, he wouldn't have made me a raging bitchmonster of doom.


 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
I'm pretty sure I've wound up here for that exact quote before.

But it's a good quote. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Meg the Red (# 11838) on :
 
It's a great quote, Spiffy, which is why I posted it a while back. Incidentally, I have several prospective purchasers for a T-shirt, should you decide to market same. Personally,I'd kill to wear one to our next extended-family gathering, if only to watch my brother Ethelred the Sanctimonious choke on his trademarked Oh-Gawd-We-Just-Wanna grace. [Devil]
 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Eliab, bless him, has been arguing on the Lesbians and the Bible thread in Dead Horses brilliantly, just to choose one section from this post
quote:
If you want to tell gay Christians that they must be celibate, and you want to convict them that what you say is true (rather than merely satisfy yourself that you have spoken on the right side) then you need to empathise with their temptations and choices, explain to them why such a thing is required of them, understand the reasons they give for doubting, and earn their respect by showing a readiness to listen and a willingness to consider fully everything they have to say. In order to win a hearing for your views, you have to grant your opponents a hearing for theirs - and that means really thinking about and angaging with what they are saying, not dismissing it because the Bible says so.

 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Meg the Red:
It's a great quote, Spiffy, which is why I posted it a while back. Incidentally, I have several prospective purchasers for a T-shirt, should you decide to market same. Personally,I'd kill to wear one to our next extended-family gathering, if only to watch my brother Ethelred the Sanctimonious choke on his trademarked Oh-Gawd-We-Just-Wanna grace. [Devil]

If you sell t-shirts with the spiffy quote, I would like the opportuntity to purchase one.

Acutally, more than one quote in this thread, I would gladly buy as a t-shirt. But that one is filled with such awesomeness, and a great testament to God's grace (why that is would take up too much space for me to type in this post).

[eta: more words.]

[ 02. January 2010, 18:25: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
RooK, in the Purg thread, "questions, questions":

quote:

Athiesm, IMO provides less answers than theism does.
If you're just looking for raw quantity: either a ouija board or a magic 8 ball will both provide more answers than either theism or atheism.


 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
This is Liberty's sig. right now:

quote:
"You don't support [your team] because they win everything in sight. It's not a declaration of faith in the club, but a declaration of faith in yourself – that you can retain some constancy in your life even when things are, well, shit."
[Paranoid] Who are you and how long have you secretly been watching the New Orleans Saints? [Paranoid]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
To the above: Oh, picky, picky, picky.

As for now:

You know, this next quote is the kind of sparkling little gem that makes the Ship worth reading.

quote:
Originally posted by piglet:
One of my fellow-altos in the choir makes little boats out of cough-sweetie papers; she had enough to singe the King of Spain's beard until the Altar Guild found them ...

ETA: we measure sermons by how many boats she can make. [Big Grin]



[ 08. January 2010, 01:38: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Gosh, thank you. [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
RooK, in the Purg thread, "questions, questions":


Athiesm, IMO provides less answers than theism does.
If you're just looking for raw quantity: either a ouija board or a magic 8 ball will both provide more answers than either theism or atheism.

[Two face]
 
Posted by fletcher christian (# 13919) on :
 
by bane of piety - a noob in purg:

quote:

A piece of advice for all those who are about to attempt to breakdown the book of revelation and glean some kind of prophetical understanding or spiritual meaning from it: Don’t. Instead drink about ¾ of a bottle of Wild Turkey 101 and watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. When you wake up, consider what you just experienced to be equal to a 12 week interpretation of biblical prophesy course and then go back to reading the stuff that aids your development as a human being and brings enlightenment and hope to mankind.

B warned, if you ignore this warning and delve too deeply into the Wacky fire and brimstone “ending” to the K.J.B. You may emerge a blabbering brimstone barnstormer who is only minutes away from being baptized in a snake handler church and keeps a close eye on his perimeter radar just in case those weird flying scorpion monsters show up earlier than expected.

Got to go. I need to polish my 7 bowls and sharpen my 10 horns.


That made me laugh... a lot
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
2 posts and already Quotesfiled-- I'm impressed!
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Crœsos in the "Bible-Believing" thread in Purg:
I think the standards for Christian persecution have slipped quite a bit in modern times. In the old days it didn't count unless a lion was actually eating you, but now it's all "woe betide me" if someone gives you a funny look! [Roll Eyes]


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
A lot of effort went into this post. Somebody had to recognize that effort:
quote:
Originally posted by ken:

Porridge is made with oats, water, and a little salt.

These corporate clones who say they want milk or sugar or fruit in it or want to waste time and effort making fake porridge in a microwave instead of on the hob (which is easier, quicker, and tastier) have obviously had their brains reamed out by evil multinational drug companies who want to sell shit to lobotomised gay Ford-driving five-a-side-football-playing Nazi paedophile disco-dancing bank-tellers who listen to Radio Two while stoned in plastic magnolia kitchens with net curtains. No free non-addicted human puts anything but oats, water and salt in the pot. What you put in the bowl when eating it is a personal matter best left to consenting adults in private. But it will come out at the other end sooner later.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I love the imagery of Hamp (an apprentice), on this thread, of an autographed pitchfork:

I agree with Freddy idea of Hell! Until someone goes there and comes back with an autographed pitchfork let us just say no one can testify to it's existence any more than you or I.
 
Posted by Liberty (# 713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
This is Liberty's sig. right now:

quote:
"You don't support [your team] because they win everything in sight. It's not a declaration of faith in the club, but a declaration of faith in yourself – that you can retain some constancy in your life even when things are, well, shit."
[Paranoid] Who are you and how long have you secretly been watching the New Orleans Saints? [Paranoid]
It's from this article in the Guardian and it's actually about a rival team of mine. But it sums the reason for the obsession. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Foaming Draught in the Oz thread in AS talking about a hospital chaplain's role turning up to the bedside whether invited or not:

We don't wait to be called, we hassle the poor dears anyway. It's a ministry known as the Annoying of the Sick [Smile]
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
The progression in this series of nested quotes from the Hell call that's tangentally about Valentine's Day made me giggle, but Erroneous Monk takes home the cake.

quote:
Originally posted by Erroneous Monk:
quote:
Originally posted by Curious:
quote:
Originally posted by five:
For VD itself, we get together with other long term couples and go out to dinner and swap stories about VD when we were single. The good and bad news about that is we've been doing it so long, we're knowing all the stories, but it is still good fun.

Um - not sure I want to think of Valentine's Day in terms of VD - but it does offer yet another card opportunity! [Big Grin]

Curious

We should definitely celebrate VD - after all it is a consequence of adherence to the Church's holy teaching on contraception. The service should be... ahem... clappy-happy.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
chiltern_hundred:
quote:
FWIW, I am a solid Christian, but sometimes revert to my liquid state.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
From a calling-to-hell thread

quote:
Originally posted by sanityman:
The people who took an instant dislike to you were just saving time.


 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
It's a long one, but it's well worth it.

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
I once sent a letter to several churches, because dropping in on church after church for a month each (often you can't tell much from one visit) could take several years to stumble into a decent fit. A letter seemed like a more efficient way to narrow the pack.

My letter had only 6 points, less specific than the one quoted here. I asked that if they met half of the points, let me know. I enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope. Not one responded. That surprised me, not even stuff the most recent bulletin in the reply envelope!

Having been in several discussions on the Ship about what sort of people are not particularly welcome, I suspect my stating that I was a single unmarried adult got the letter tossed. Churches want families.

I doubt it, actually. I'll tell you what happened:

In two churches, there is no secretary (she-it's always a she--has died, retired, or moved away). The member who is supposed to handle the mail is leaving it accumulate on the desk and photocopier until it collapses into the waste basket or a black hole, whichever comes first.

In three churches, the secretary opened it and forwarded it to the pastor. He fully intended to answer it, but lost it under his own stack of paper work. In one case he used it to scribble down the hospital room number for a member in crisis.

In two churches, it got placed in the wrong mail cubbyhole, where it will sit until the finance chairman/youth director/ladies' aid president gets around to checking it (next year, then). At which point it has an even chance of winding up in the wrong place again.

In ONE church, the right person got it, pondered it, and composed an accurate, sensitive and altogether wonderful reply. This was placed in an envelope, stamped, and left on the roof of the car while the author loaded up the usual Sunday encumbrances, and merrily drove away. It is presently lining a squirrel's nest 30 feet up an oak tree.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Oh dear. That was just a straightforward description of my experience. [Devil]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Sabine, in rare form on the "Jesus Junkie" thread:

quote:
I find it interesting that the other two persons of the trinity are not as often subjected to the same level of tackiness.

 
Posted by cheesymarzipan (# 9442) on :
 
Chesterbelloc, in a hell thread:

In the land of the legless the one-legged man is nomintaed-driver. Or something.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by patriotic_mason:

I think Christianity sucks, especially orthodox Christianity. But I'm here because He wants me here. So I have resigned myself to His service and here I am.

Just [Killing me]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
pimple, next door on FLP:
quote:
There once was a girl Chorister

OMG yes! Wasn't there just! She caused havoc! Suddenly we had fourteen extra tenors, and then when her voice matured and she joined the altos, ten tenors and seventeen basses switched sides and did irreparable damage to their vocal chords.
There was this perennial argument as to whether it was better to look into her limpid eyes or stand behind her and wallow in her fragrance.

Her father was a policeman - you remember? - and very, very protective. That's how I got this nose. How do you mean - was it worth it? I, um, what am I doing in here. Doing, not dopi9ng, yes thatsch itxzzz.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
AND Comet, on putting up with posters who annoy us:

quote:
you have Eddy, I have Silver Crackers and Skunk Cheese. We all have our own bears to cross.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Because of churchgeek, I will never see The Sound of Music. in quite the same way again.

quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
quote:
Originally posted by Jigsaw:
"...Well, when God closes a door, he opens a window".

What, to jump out of?

I've always hated that expression. If you're not meant to jump out the window (i.e., you're on the outside of it), you must be meant to climb in through it, which usually will get you arrested.


 
Posted by Angel Wrestler (# 13673) on :
 
From Althrwas in Hell

quote:
and so self-centred that cyclones follow you around taking notes!

 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Because of churchgeek, I will never see The Sound of Music. in quite the same way again.

quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
quote:
Originally posted by Jigsaw:
"...Well, when God closes a door, he opens a window".

What, to jump out of?

I've always hated that expression. If you're not meant to jump out the window (i.e., you're on the outside of it), you must be meant to climb in through it, which usually will get you arrested.


I prefer, 'When one door closes, another one shuts'.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Often wondered, succinctly put:

quote:
Originally posted by Super Tash:
Man alive why are all Christians on telly as mad as a box of frogs.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The football playoffs at Chez Janine:
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:

FG wanders over to me between gorilla-like roaring screams and chest-beating to offer me a drink or a hug or whatever. It's all good.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Lyda Rose offers her concise wisdom to a rather involved theological debate in Kerygmania:

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Says you. [Razz]


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Someone had to say it. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by kankucho:
quote:
Originally posted by Think²:
It's difficult to know why you'd want 200 foreskins really

It's a very versatile gift. You could stitch them together to make a nice handbag. Then just give the bag a quick rub and it turns into a suitcase.

[Big Grin]

groan!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Once again, a tumultuous thread where people were exchanging heated words about important concepts, and this is what jumps out at me:

quote:
Originally posted by Chesterbelloc:
Aw shit - preview post is my friend, and I don't even return his calls or nuthin'. My bad.


 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by dj_ordinaire:

I've no idea what this means. But on this thread I don't think that marks me out as particularly unusual.

Almost made this one my sig.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
RooK demonstrates the true meaning of brotherhood:

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
You misunderstand me. I described you snarkily (because that's how I have fun), but I don't really want you to change even slightly. You have more value as a difficult opponent than as some touchy-feely douche.


 
Posted by Carex (# 9643) on :
 
Janine ponders proper attire for a mix of liturgical traditions:
quote:
What the heck does one wear to church and a parade, on a Mardi Gras Valentine Hell Froze Over Pigs Flew Saints Won the Superbowl Weekend?

 
Posted by Dal Segno (# 14673) on :
 
Seeker963 considers the validity of different traditions' beliefs:

quote:
What I 'really' believe: we will all have a belly-laugh with God when we meet him about how wrong we all were. My way is made up. Your way is made up. God is a forgiving person and does not have OCD.

 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
I am at a point where identifying all the weird shit people believe has made me question my faith. If what you believe is laughably wrong, then surely much of what I believe is bollocks as well. So many cultural interpretations and frankly elements of dishonesty, mental illness and sheer stupidity in both leaders and followers.

The church is a mockery of Christ.

The only thing I can hold onto is the personhood of Christ. And a relational understanding of the Gospel. At the end of the day I will tolerate your dishonest, frankly stupid freakiness and hope you will tolerate mine.


 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
passer, bashing the squiggley one in Hell:

In fact, I feel I'm ignoring an altogether more rounded and articulate angst-ridden onanist.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Who knew?

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Valentines Day will never be the same for me, ever since Sine spurned my love. How hollow I felt. So... used.

Even now I can't extinguish from my mind the sight of him eating iced cream with his damn fork, laughing at my fumbling attempts at reconciliation and offers of rug burns.


 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Mere Nick:
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
It does boil down to most individual politicians being apostate hairy ticks, quite possibly Satan hisself

Well, we now have Beelzebama who was preceeded by Beelzebush The Younger who was preceeded by Beelzebubba who was preceeded by Beelzebush The Elder, so, yeah.
Well, that puts a new spin on that old joke about Poly-ticks.

[ 16. February 2010, 19:56: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]
 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
quote:
originally posted by Gildas:
Statistics are like mini-skirts. They can give you good ideas but they cover up some important details.


 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Edward Green on this year's version of the Why Lent thread:
I may not be sitting up a pole, but I try to be on the crossroads.


 
Posted by Dal Segno (# 14673) on :
 
Peppone in The Sorn's Journey thread (worth looking at as it could be a Circus thread).
quote:
If you want it, Hong Kong has got it. And if not in real life, we can get you a pirated DVD of it.

 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
This gem from Bullfrog:

quote:
Oh, very well, you can do it with a sheep, but make sure it's a female!
illustrates the profound fact that context is all!
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by pimple:
This gem from Bullfrog:

quote:
Oh, very well, you can do it with a sheep, but make sure it's a female!
illustrates the profound fact that context is all!
[Ultra confused]

Excuse me?! I don't recall being consulted about this!

[ 25. February 2010, 22:04: Message edited by: Spiffy ]
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
From the thread about the death of the RichardDawkins.com forum

quote:
Originally posted by Mr Tambourine Man:
On the third day the Richard Dawkins Forum rose again...



[ 25. February 2010, 22:30: Message edited by: Spiffy ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Only in Kerygmania:

quote:
Originally posted by fletcher christian:
quote:


Then you'd say the The Amplified Bible was a paraphrase? (Jengie Jon)


I've (I have) never (at no time in past or future, on no occasion, not ever) seen (perceived, observed, discerned) that before (beforan in Old English but most likely of German origin relating to the German word bevor)

It looks like a piss take (joke, wind up) to be honest.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Golden.

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
You know what I hate worse than dealing with birds out and about in the world? Humans. Fucking people; I hate them. So damned inconvenient. Preventing me from having a handy nuclear generator, because general availability would allow some douchebag to make it into a weapon of mass destruction. And don't even get me started on the horror that is WallMart.

Sure, but people don't poop on your car.

 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Avalon, on the "Evangelicals Missing" thread in Purg, 3/3/2010.


quote:
quote:

I'm with Numpty on this.

I honestly don't believe there are many people at all who have a relationship with God, are genuinely seeking to follow what God tells them to do in the Bible, and yet don't go to church regularly, especially not in the US, where churches are easy to find and not many people are persecuted for going.

Heb 10:25 (widely cited in evangelical circles on this side of the pond) would provide one obvious reason why said group is so small.

The pretty-much inescapable conclusion is that the vast majority of people cited in the OP are either aren't genuinely born again, or that for whatever reason they are backslidden and not actively seeking to obey the Bible.

Oh dear! That's the end of that conversation then. Maybe I can tell a parable instead.

The Good Embarrassment
There once was a traveller on The Old Man's Road who fell prey to the Great Robber Gang of Stress. Ill Health, Large Mortgage, Business Readjustment and General Change to name but a few of the bandits. She was badly battered and stripped of all sorts of dignities and securities - left deeply depressed but only half dead.

Now, by chance, there was a string of pastoral interest available.

The senior clergyman saw her and was horrorfied and uncomfortable.
"Oh dear," he said to himself, I'm always terrorfied I will find an actual dead body - and this may be it, I believe in the doctrine of free will but a genuine dead body could make my theology rather dirty and unusable. It makes me so nervous to see people like this in this state with their wills so twisted and maybe even - dare I say it - dead. No doubt what has happened to her is the result of already freely making a foolish choice.

So, he passed by on the other side with his eyes averted.

Likewise the juniour clergyman came to that place and saw her. It wasn't whether she was dead or alive which worried him. He did believe in predestination so he was complacently sure that she was alright if she were meant to be alright. In fact it wasn't her he was worried about at all.
"Careful, " he told himself, "this could be an ambush for Me. She may just be a decoy - especially as she is a woman. I may end up Involved - rather beaten up and untidy myself. I cannot risk that."

So, he hurried to the other side and arranged to send her a casserole.

This, however, was too obscure for her so he had to also send her a virtual reality computer game wherein chicken dinners are good cures for bullet wounds to explain to her just how the casserole was a help to her.

Then came that Unorthodox, Impure, Left-Over-From-Another-Era (it's not our fault) Embarrassment (whom we're all ignoring in the hope that he'll go away).

She heaved a sigh of relief. After all it looked as if she may have been a little unorthodox herself to get here in the first place; and was now rather grotty and out of her own control. The Embarrassment may well be the right person for a rather embarrassed one.

And the Embarrassment was moved with pity...

But, fortunately for him, he was still part of The Team and had an active conscience well trained by them in the correct priorities. At the last minute it reminded him that he had already been unorthodox enough and once more might put him beyond acceptability.
"Hold on a minute, my lad," said Conscience, "this sort of adventuring is all well and good, proper to be taken on so long as you are still single. however, you are married - with children - and your family takes priority at all times. This could be thought provoking (and you know what you're like to live with when so provoked); physically risky (and you can totally absolve yourself by claiming your body's not your own with which to take risks); and, at the very least, it would consume time and other resources belonging rightfully to your Family."

"Didn't your parents ever teach you not to take risks for the sake of yourself - and your Family?" snapped the Embarassment, irritable with the relief of having recollected himself from the brink of, yet again, waiving a safety rule. "Fancy being out on your own on a road like this! I'll make sure that your Family hears about you".

So, the Embarrasment and his Conscience passed by hand-in-hand.

Unfortunately, it wasn't quite what her parents had taught her and, knowing what they had taught her, she wasn't altogether convinced that a message to them was going to help. The chances were that they were in some obscure Travellers' Inn either battered and worn out themselves; or nursing someone else who was. Nor would they understand why the neighbour who was nearby wasn't doing what the kindred who were far away couldn't.

Furthermore that whole interlude had also managed to draw to herself the attentions of yet another lurking bandit. Self Doubt was creeping up...

There probably was an angel on the road but, clearly, The Embarrassment's animal was not Balaam's Ass so, consequently, not even he saw it. None of them, therefore, ever saw the end of that story.


[Overused]
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Custard, in the "Has the concept of the Trinity outlived it's [sic] usefulness for Christians?" thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Hamp:
Has the concept of the Trinity out lived it’s usefulness for Christians?


No. Like the apostrophe, the doctrine of the Trinity is still really useful when understood and used correctly.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
OK, it's funny.
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
No one is crying over the abscence of Yorick

Absence?
You've come back?
Those times when you see only one set of footprints,
It was then that I lurked.


 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
A class act apology!

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
Wait, wait, I apologise.

I know, it's Hell, but even here there are times when one has to do it.

I shouldn't have said 'arrogant and wrong'. I should have said, for more clarity, 'arrogant and too thick to figure out why someone might select a quote containing a French word in it when making a comparison to a figure from French history'.

There. I feel better now.


 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Some very sound advice from RooK on the anti-cat thread:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Well, I am pretty.

Reminder to self: Always leave sufficient time to forget what you wrote before you proof read, so that your memory of what was meant doesn't fill in the gaps of what actually got written.


 
Posted by Dal Segno (# 14673) on :
 
TMI from Lord Jestocost:
quote:
My chest is big and red! Come and have sex with me!

 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
Ken stands up for the people here:
---
It is in public space that civilisation is born. The market, the city gate, the courts of the temple, the agora, the streets of the city, the forum, the church, the theatre, the public house, the commons, the town square, the beach, the park, the promenade, the football ground, the playground, the shopping mall. These are where people meet and where most importantly they meet people they wouldn't meet if they only met the people they intended to meet. They are where we rub up against each other, learn to negotiate our own way in society, become individuals rather than social clones of our parents, where we are socialised and develop our public, political lives. They are where we have carnivals, parades, bonfires, demonstrations, protests, marches, processions, street-parties. They are where unexpected social encounters happen. They are where unplanned social encounters happen. They are where unregulated social encounters happen. They are where democracy was born, where the Reformation came from, where things get done and deals get made, where politics is the property of the people rather then their masters, which is why kings and queens and planners and police and big business and bosses in general don't like free association in public space because they can't control it. Which is why they like alcohol bans and ASBOs, and "controlled strategies for delivering safe public space", and curfews, and customs and excise duty, and dog-toilet grass emptinesses round tall point blocks, and dole queues, and eavesdroppers, and emigration bans, and fences, and front gardens, and gated communities, and "get out of the car slowly", and ID cards, and immigration bans, and immigration control, and laws against electronic music with repetitive beats, and laws against riding bicycles on the pavement, and laws against secondary picketing, and laws against so-called dangerous dogs, and licensing laws, and logfiles, and monitoring, and paid informers, and passcards, and passports, and permits, and photography bans (when its you with the camera), and police permission for parades and demonstrations, and police spies, and private cars (for those who can afford them), and psychotherapists, and "show me your papers", and rfid tags, and state-funded state-regulated political parties, and the War Against (some) Drugs, and TV cameras (that they control), and windowless walls, and workhouses.

We live in a world of social sensory deprivation where isolated lonely people become little more than production units driving in their lonely air-conditioned cars to their lonely air-conditioned jobs and going home to their semi-detached worker-storage-units at night to be plugged into the Murdoch-mush satellite-soma-feed or the cable-cabal drug-drip to switch their lobotomised brains off like obsolete cars with empty tanks in a cold garage in a brutalist basement of a deserted dead ex-Soviet post-industrial complex in a snow-bound empty bus garage in the unvisited part of Belorus until their bosses have a use for them again. Fuck the Man! Break out! Disobey orders! Irritate someone! Get in the way! Shout in the Streets! Get out and talk to people and rather than doing what your capitalist lords and masters plan for you. Hang around on street corners!
---

The whole post is a good one.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Anglican't celebrates Doublespeak:

quote:
Originally posted by Anglican't:
Thanks for running these ideas up the ship's flagpole to see whether anyone salutes. Personally, I think you should really try to take the full 360 on business-speak and embrace blue sky thinking. I did and I'm harnessing some real synergies as a result.


 
Posted by Loveheart (# 12249) on :
 
On the "This Sceptred Isle" (British) thread in All Saints:

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
We tried out the new dining table today and I have to say that it is entirely suitable for its intended purpose.

Glad to hear it. Do you intend to use it for meals as well?

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
From "How'd you change atheists?" in Purg

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
WHY do people want to 'change' atheists?

Yeah, sounds like they are lightbulbs.

Why not love 'em just as they are, the little godforsaken blighters.

Excellent!
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Organ Builder, in Styx
quote:
And as I slept, lo, a vision came unto me.

Because of their great harping and crying out, The Great Alligator was wearied. At last she did say, "Fine. Have it your way--no more Dead Horses Board. Discuss what you want where you want." And lo, there was great rejoicing throughout the boards.

After the passage of several weeks the trolls did come, and did wreak mighty havoc with their endless turnings of every discussion, until even the Limericks thread was not untouched.

Then did the people cry out, and say "Save us, O Scaled One, from this pestilence." But there was no answer from the Mighty Erin.

Then did the people cry out a second time, proclaiming their unworthiness and offering Chocolate. But the heart of Erin was still unmoved.

Then did the people cry out yet a third time, and the Gator was roused, because they did cry out at Feeding Time. There was a great roar, with much chomping of Troll-Butt. I saw new Boards and a new Dead Horses, restored in all its glory.

Great was the rejoicing amid all the boards, and the people shouted "Hail, Mighty Erin. We were wrong ever to doubt you."

Until six months later when someone opened a new thread in Styx complaining about the ghetto-ization of DH issues...

Then did I wake with a mighty start...

Erin's reply
quote:
I think Organ Builder's just earned himself a get out of jail free card. That made me giggle like a loon.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Overused] I'm glad somebody saved that.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Two thumbs up to this film review by Adeodatus:
quote:
Some friends and I sat through all of the Matrix films some time ago, with the express purpose of reading its mythic messages. . . . We decided that the movies are actually only superficially deep, but profoundly shallow.


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Robert Armin explains history to a student:
quote:
I remember how pleased I was when I came across a student who had never heard of Thatcher. I explained her to him in a gently neutral way: "Now you've read The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe? You remember the White Witch who ruled for years so that it was always winter and never Christmas? Well Thatcher was rather like that."

 
Posted by Robert Armin (# 182) on :
 
Thank you basso - I don't think I've been honoured by a mention on this thread before.
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Robert Armin:
Thank you basso - I don't think I've been honoured by a mention on this thread before.

Heh. Like buses.
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
IngoB, in the sin/forgiveness/golf Purg thread, gives this analogy of the Personhood aspect of the Incarnation, which is accessible and illuminative:

quote:
Perhaps an analogy would help. Take a dog. You can imagine "being a dog", barking, running around, sniffing, etc. Now assume that a lot of technological breakthroughs occur, and we can actually fully interface a newborn puppy with your brain, wirelessly and continuously. The puppy will grow essentially as normal, but whatever you may wish to call that which shapes its "dogness" into "this particular dog" will not form in the dog but rather in you. This does not turn you as human into a dog, though you will experience dogness. But you can still fully function as a human. This does not turn the dog into a human either, it still behaves like a dog: it barks, it does not speak, etc. Nevertheless, in some sense that dog is you: if the brain interface would be switched off, that particular dog would cease to be (and likely that dog would literally die, not being able to establish a "dog persona" instantly).

The dog - if it could think and speak - could reasonably claim to be you, because even though it is a dog doing dog things, it also is dog according to what you want. And if someone starts to kick this particular dog to death, then in a sense he has killed you: you as a dog. Something of you will die, your dogness. Finally, this dog will likely have your favor. For example, if you as dog are hungry then you are hungry as dog. Hence likely you as human will give you as dog food. To other dogs - if they could think and speak - this may well appear as a kind of magic: somehow you as dog can command a human overlord to do as you please. Yet from your perspective all that is happening is that you as a human and you as a dog are both you and hence act as one.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Quotes File, Very Bad Idea Division:

quote:
Originally posted by Think²:
I really hope you are not intending to start eight different threads on eight different customs at the same time - because I may have to hunt you down wth a blunt fork, a custard pie, three gnomes and a shrubbery.


 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Adeodatus, in the "What we say in hymns" thread in Eccles:

quote:
This morning, I sang a hymn by Charles Wesley that included the words

quote:
I am all unrighteousness;
False and full of sin I am

I thought, "Speak for yourself, you miserable old cow."

 
Posted by Think² (# 1984) on :
 
I was trying to find this thread to post that ! BUt I looked in All Saints !
 
Posted by Traveller (# 1943) on :
 
Spiffy has a wonderful putdown in Pastor.Rob's little prophesy about who is bound for incence and who for sulphur.

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
quote:
Originally posted by Pastor.Rob:
Sorry Spiffy you can go to hell too.

I would, but there aren't any interesting posts on that board right now.

[Killing me] [Overused]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Originally posted by Esmeralda (when referring to Mary anointing Jesus with oil and wiping his feet with her hair):
This story tells us that whatever one Christian does in service of God, another Christian is bound to come along and criticize it.
 
Posted by AristonAstuanax (# 10894) on :
 
Normally, I would think this guffaw-causing outburst:
quote:
Originally posted by Gwai:
You foolish good for nothing who have no more chance of success than a ragamuffin with three butt cheeks! Since when I have ever pretended to be innocent? I haven't been to a church since I was banned from our local one for breaking Father Tucker's front tooth, I swear like a sailor, I can drink most of those foul-mouthed sailors under the table, and I slept around like a whore until I became too ugly.

to be about par for the course for our little game of Mafia.
Or at least it would be, if it weren't for this potential double-entendre . . .

Originally posted by AristonAstuanax
quote:
Another night in Miss Rachel's priest hole was out

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Moo becomes part of the Ship's lexicon:

quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
quote:
Originally posted by Moo:

I was going to post that link. You beat me to it.

Moo

That, of course, would have been a classic example of deja-Moo; a sense that we had been through this bull before.
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
iGeek, in All-Saints

quote:
I don't mind the pollen season, per se. I just wish the trees would stop having sex in my nose.

 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Eliab, in Purg (Three Main Themes of the Bible):


quote:
I cannot at this second, liberate someone I know from bondage or restore them to God's kingdom, but there are no end of people that I can, and must, forgive.

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
The ever-exquisite turn of phrase by Sine, in Hell to discuss a discontinued china pattern.

quote:
One – well me at least – hopes the matching crystal pattern was ‘Nada’. Then the table could be set with Nil and Nada, which would have a rather desolate ‘Waiting for Godot’ feel to it.
to which Ariel responded
quote:
Yes, and then eventually it would all start to look like Miss Havisham's wedding feast, with the hosts sitting round glumly, festooned with cobwebs, muttering, "Why don't they come?"

Can't be good for your Feng Shui. [Ultra confused]


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
jlg in a Styx discussion about thread closures
quote:
Yorick, you've got pretty much everyone posting in disagreement with you, including IngoB agreeing with RooK and Tubbs.
...which must be a sign of the apocalypse

quote:
Are you playing some sort of personal Bingo game? Who else do you need to complete the card?
I'm such a Circus denizen that I enjoyed the mental image of a game of SoF Bingo. Sure beats buzz-word bingo to keep yourself occupied during a boring business meeting!
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
From the "Praying to Santa" thread currently residing in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Divine Outlaw Dwarf:
Presently, I'm feeling like commencing a novena to Lady Ga-ga for deliverance from humourless Christians with persecution complexes. They do far more damage to the public perception of our faith than any sci-fi series ever could.


 
Posted by Alwyn (# 4380) on :
 
Meanwhile in Hell, ken explains why Joseph Chamberlain can justifiably be called a "a dipstick of humungous proportions":

quote:
Originally posted by ken:
[...] This would be Joseph Chamberlain, father of the much nicer Neville Chamberlain and much more sensitive Austen Chamberlain? (And great-granduncle of Harriet Harman)?

The Joseph Chamberlain whose narrow nationalism and rapacious imperialism led him to betray his liberal principles and sell out to the Tory Party?

The Joseph Chamberlain whose resignation from the Cabinet over Gladstone's Home Rule Bill split the LIberal Party, and sustained the union of Britain and Ireland for at least thirty years after almost all Irish and half the British voters made it clear that they did not want it, so making the Irish rebellion and civil war almost inevitable?

The Joseph Chamberlain who lead the charge away from Free Trade and towards protectionism and Imperial Preference that was one of the subsidiary causes of both the First and Second world wars and perhaps the major cause of the economic depression between them?

The Joseph Chamberlain whose "Tariff Reform League" turned to paranoia and anti-semitism and was one of the founding institutions of the sad shambles of British Fascism?
The Joseph Chamberlain who was involved in planning the infamous Jameson Raid (an English terrorist attack from what was then Rhodesia against South Africa that was one of the causes of the Boer War) and then betrayed Jameson and his men, lying to Parliament, and then was found out when his conspiratorial telegrams were made public?

The Joseph Chamberlain who promoted Lord Lugard's policy of "indirect rule" in Africa, setting up an artificial structure of "native chiefs" in places such as central Kenya or Igboland that had never had them before, disenfranchising the growing black middle class of Sierra Leone, the Lagos Colony and the Cape Colony, keeping millions of Africans out of the government of their own countries for the next fifty years, artificially boosting the rule of a small aristocratic Muslim military elite over what is now northern Nigeria, and setting the stage for the ethnic and political turmoil of modern Nigeria?

The Joseph Chamberlain who desperately tried to ally Britain with Germany during the run-up to the First World War?

The Joseph Chamberlain who pushed through the Aliens Act, the first explicitly racist and explicitly anti-semitic immigration law for over a generation of Victorian liberalism?

The Joseph Chamberlain who was in many ways the political forbear ancestor of Enoch Powell (one of his greatest fans and author of a biography of him)?

The Joseph Chamberlain whose policies were heartily taken up buy AK Chesterton (cousin of the much more famous and much more intelligent and much nicer GK) who founded the League of Empire Loyalists out of the wreckage of post-war fascism, which was basically Chamberlain's imperialist racism, minus Chamberlain's economic radicalism, and with the addition of a hefty dose of irrational anti-semitism (Chamberlain hadn't been so much anti-Semitic as anti-everyone-not-English), and in turn went on to found the National Front and spawn the BNP?

The Joseph Chamberlain who's Unionism, Imperialism, and opposition to Free Trade split the Liberal party and made it unelectable for over a century (maybe for ever, they still haven't recovered) - with the exception of those elections in which Chamberlain also split the Tory Party over Imperial Preference and handed the election back to the Liberals for one last hurrah?

The Joseph Chamberlain who never joined a political party he didn't destroy?

I'm sorry, but when it comes to foreign policy, someone who was personally (if indirectly) responsible for the Boer War, the racist government of Southern Rhodesia, the Great War, the partition of Ireland, the strange death of Liberal England, the Great Depression, the Second World War, apartheid, the Rhodesia/Zimbabwe War, the Biafra War, the BNP, and Harriet BLOODY Harman, can in all honesty be called "'a dipstick of humungous proportions".


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Work it, ken. [Cool]

********

Faux comment, real funny:

quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
Well then, what is the stupidist thing you ever immediately regretted doing?

Pointing out the correct spelling of "stupidest"? [Razz]


I don't think that word means what you think it means.
The word "stupidest" refers, of course, to the most stupid thing within a given grouping.
The word "stupidist" refers, on the other hand, to a professional who fashions an entire career out of stupid.

Did you never watch John Wayne's movie, The Shootist?
Do you not know that a podiatist is a professional who fashions a career out of becoming close to smelly, mouldering feet?

The question in the OP was, what have you done, then immediately regretted, that instantly qualified you for a career as a stupidist?
But I don't think that word means what you think it means.
You prolly think I jist got drunk and made a stoopid spelling errar.
Pedantist.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sine's back in Hell, where he belongs:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:

But you know....when some really bow-wow person comes over you can’t help but think “What about me makes this person think he’s got a snowball’s chance in Hell? Am I giving off some sort of troll pheromone? What’s the matter with ME?”

I know that’s wrong. I know it. But spiritual growth is slow and painful. One step forward, two steps back..

[Tear]
 
Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
Sine strikes again, on the Hell thread "Tits":
quote:
If inner beauty ever becomes the rage, I've wasted a bunch of money on a personal trainer.

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
(I feel validated that others have put recent Sine quotes here, too!)
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
This is a manifestation of Yorick’s Second Law of Thermoidiotics. When one’s guest is cautioned about their dinner plate with the instruction, ‘Careful, it’s very hot’, they are instantly rendered incapable of resisting the urge to touch it in order to find out.

I am going to add the word Thermoidiotics to my vocabulary!!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I dunno, maybe boobs bring out the best in people.
quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
Dumpling Jeff, do you think there would be a market for a deep-cut, square line woman's top with words printed just below the cleavage:

"I know they
look hot!
Now STFU!"

My guess is, if all of those words would not fit on the shirt, the lady doesn't need one.


 
Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 
At the top of page 2 on the Lay Presidency thread in Purg, we have this gem

quote:
Originally posted by ExclamationMark:
Those who want to do it one way with a priest will do it, those who want to do it on their own will do it.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(apologies, quotes function isn't working right now...) [That's decidedly odd. iF]

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
(One – well me at least – hopes the matching crystal pattern was ‘Nada’. Then the table could be set with Nil and Nada, which would have a rather desolate ‘Waiting for Godot’ feel to it.)

Yes, and then eventually it would all start to look like Miss Havisham's wedding feast, with the hosts sitting round glumly, festooned with cobwebs, muttering, "Why don't they come?"

Can't be good for your Feng Shui. [Ultra confused]

[Edited to insert UBB. iF]

[ 18. April 2010, 18:34: Message edited by: Imaginary Friend ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Thanks, iF)

Spending a day at a nudist beach:

quote:
Originally posted by John P:
I did sunbathe but with a sock over my appendage, being fearful of sunburn.

[Killing me] Somewhere in Heaven Forester is frothing over the fact that he wasn't the one to write that line.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
To lower the tone a bit...

This falls in the category of "vulgar curiosity," but can anyone imagine why an elderly man of a particularly rugged, macho type, with a white beard and mustache, looks like a stereotypical sea captain, would be wearing pointy women's shoes with kitten heels? in the winter it's women's boots of the almost FM variety. To church. For at least four years.

Obviously I can't ask him, having some semblance of shame left. But ....

Please somebody tell me there's an orthopedic benefit or something.

The women's boots may indeed be comfortable and affordable. Then again, if he's spent that long at sea, anything could be possible. Maybe he shot an albatross?
Just [Killing me]

Coleridge, thou shouldst be living at this hour!
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Patdys on the baby bath bap thread:
Ultimately, I think Christians only agree on two things.
1) Jesus Christ lived, died and rose again.
2) Other Christians are complete tools for believing the crap they do.

Nail head, meet hammer.

[ 20. April 2010, 08:01: Message edited by: Yorick ]
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
You beat me to it, Yorick. I was about to post the same quote.
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Firenze, in Heaven's "Oh No!" thread

quote:
So you didn't go with: 'It's now an undead zombie chicken, and if you step out of line, mummy and daddy will set it peck your brains out' then? Seems like an ideal opportunity to me.
(Do I get a bonus for posting a Sine & Ariel quote which Kelly Alves also posted? [Big Grin] )
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Gildas:
Whilst we are on the subject of flashy lights can I point out that parking on a narrow road with two lanes, effectively reducing it to a one lane road and forcing the opposing traffic to engage in games of docey-fucking-doe, whilst you pop into the newsagent for your copy of the Swizzaway Currant Bun and a packet of fags makes you a complete and utter anti-social tosser and is not remotely mitigated in the slightest by your leaving your hazard lights flashing.

One day I will take your fucking wing mirror off. When I do, do not expect me to stop and leave my telephone number and insurance details tucked away under your windscreen wiper whilst I wait for you to emerge with your cancer sticks and right wing tabloid bilge.

Try walking to the newsagent in future you dozy lard arsed twat.

Just. So. Funny.

(And exquisitely phrased and scansioned.)
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
MT and RooK, on the Indicators thread:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
And, as I said, feel free to be as smug as you like.

This is self-deprecating irony, right? Right?
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Please pass on my sympathies to your family, mousethief. You have just been exposed to a lethal dose of smugions from too much exposure to me. Before you die, your hair is going to fall out and you're going to hate everyone stupider than yourself.

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
All my hair has fallen out and I already hate people stupider than myself. Some progostician.

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Shit. Maybe you're the one that irradiated me.

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Look upon my works, ye hirsute, and despair!


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Spike asked on the 'what if' thread:
What if God had sent a daughter?

To which Mousethief replied:
All her disciples would have left her the first time she got PMS.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Spike asked on the 'what if' thread:
What if God had sent a daughter?

To which Mousethief replied:
All her disciples would have left her the first time she got PMS.

[Big Grin]

That is not a quotable quote, it is rampant sexism.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
In the 'Herp' thread in Heaven:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
A fine hobby for one in the home of St. Patrick.

Ah, the Herp that once through Tara's halls...

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
That is not a quotable quote, it is rampant sexism.

Well it made me laugh, anyway. We wymmyn need to laugh at ourselves a bit from tyme to tyme. If only so that we can win back a bit of time to laugh at the men. [Biased]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Besides, jokes about PMS are so old they have whiskers on them. Quaint, like women drivers or traveling salesman jokes.

And now for something completely different:
quote:
Be kind to your local census worker. You don't want to hear Jesus say, "I was working for the Census Bureau, and you did not answer me completely and honestly." ~mousethief

 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Firenze again on the Gordo's Blunder thread in Purgatory:

"Gordon may have lost the Rochdale granny vote, but he has probably gained the helpdesk one."
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Besides, jokes about PMS are so old they have whiskers on them. Quaint, like women drivers or traveling salesman jokes.



I have whiskers. Does that make me quaint? I've always wanted to be quaint.

[ 30. April 2010, 21:38: Message edited by: mousethief ]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
It makes you adorable. [Biased]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Think² hosting with style in Hell on one of the Arizona lunacy threads:

Originally posted by saysay:

.......Originally posted by Choirboy:
.......Yes. The Netherlands.

I know this is a tangent, but does anyone know why people are currently arguing that putting women on submarines is going to work out fine because it works in Norway and Canada? Because I thought that everyone knew that part of the problem is that their cultures are so very different from American culture - and even more so from the culture from which the military draws most of its recruits.

Purg is that way --->


Baffled Phasing Hell Host

[ 01. May 2010, 16:16: Message edited by: Sioni Sais ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
... are we saying that Job's wife was right?

She was half-right. Go ahead and curse God, but you don't need to die.

Moo


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Mamacita:
quote:
It's the nature of stress to be untidy. If it folded itself up and put itself away, it wouldn't be stress.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Birdseye:
quote:
I think one of the things that continually bothers me about God is that he loves me -he should, I feel, really be setting his standards higher...

 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
On the Angry at God? Thread, LambChopped says what is probably going to be the way I get into Heaven (God willing).

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
I'm afraid I do still yell at God. I know I'm being ridiculous, and I know 90% of the world has it much, much worse. But I've long since given up the hope of walking with some dignity into the Kingdom. I'll be the one staggering in with a bottle in a paper bag, careening first off one doorpost and then the other, until a divine arm snakes out, grasps me by the foot and yanks me in on my bottom.


 
Posted by Loveheart (# 12249) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
Firenze again on the Gordo's Blunder thread in Purgatory:

"Gordon may have lost the Rochdale granny vote, but he has probably gained the helpdesk one."

[Overused] spot on!
 
Posted by Imaginary Friend (# 186) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by MiceElf:
Can someone explain how you spank the monkey.

Please tell me the innuendo is deliberate!
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Adeodatus:

quote:
Most of the time, the devil is a bloke we invent when we want to blame someone after we've behaved badly. E.g.:

Adam: "The woman made me do it!"
Eve: "The snake made me do it!"
Snake: "Hiss." [Translated: You bastards!]


 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
How to decide which books get included in the Bible - a choice:
quote:
Originally posted by Nigel M in the Authority for New Testament thread in Keryg:
There seem to be two uses of the word 'canon' in the whole debate: one associated more with the academic history of religions where 'canon' is the final decision of a authoritative group of notables who shake hands on the deal, pass a list to the publisher and say, "There you go my man, now be a good chap and slap a couple of dust covers on that", while perhaps 'canon' understood more within the faith community is similar to the situation where one notable waddles round the library of a another notable he is visiting at several removes and notes, "I say old chap, I see you have the same set of books that I have. Great minds think alike, what?"

Canon as a process, rather than an output. Or something like that.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha (seal clubbing thread in Hell) :
Honestly, I am not sure how most Apple owners can belong to a monotheistic religion and not be accused of idolatry.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Ah, Comet...

quote:
Life is short, I don't want to spend my whole life bettering myself. Sometimes I want to worse myself.


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Ken, on the LibDems' role in the new government:

quote:
Originally posted by ken:

I sort of hope they do get Wales though because then we can use that great quote from "man for all seasons"


 
Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
Eliab's eloquent assessment in Dead Horses:
quote:
You seem to have perfectly grasped the point I was making, and imagined that I was saying something else.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
OK, it isn't often that FLP is quotes-file worthy, but I laughed a solid minute at this:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Angry at God? Moo

Okay I tried that and I'm still angry.


 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
John P on The Meaning of Life in one sentence thread in Purgatory:

quote:
Originally posted by John P:

If, when I die, I am accused by the Almighty of not fulfilling my purpose I will honestly reply "Well I'm terribly sorry, but you might have made it a bit clearer."

[Overused]
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Lyda * Rose in purgatory, about how embracing 1st-century Christianity does NOT require her to accept all modern "miracles":

quote:
I can believe in six impossible things before breakfast, but I can disbelieve a zillion impossible things before I tuck myself back into bed at night.

 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Apologies for doing this to an apprentice, but Protozoan's statement in Purg gave me a wonderful mental picture:

quote:
For me, being part of a church gives me a space where I can bounce off other Christians
S/he obviously goes to the Inflatable Church!
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
Apologies for doing this to an apprentice, but Protozoan's statement in Purg gave me a wonderful mental picture:

quote:
For me, being part of a church gives me a space where I can bounce off other Christians
S/he obviously goes to the Inflatable Church!
At Stoneleigh 1999 there was an bouncy castle and *anyone* was allowed on it. Now I didn't see this but I am assured that Terry Virgo was seen on it grinning broadly because he was actually enjoying himself!
 
Posted by Gildas (# 525) on :
 
Thus spake Marvin the Martian (pbuh):

quote:
You can dislike us all you fucking want, but do NOT keep insinuating that we're just some sort of fifth column or sleeper cell for the big bad evil fundamentalists. At least give us credit for being honest in what we believe and do.

 
Posted by St. Stephen the Stoned (# 9841) on :
 
QLib, on a Hell thread about share prices. Or something:

quote:
Seriously, shipmates
I may not be a
Literary giant or even
Very good at
Exceptionally trite
Rhymes, like some I could mention.

Fancifully, perhaps, I imagine I
Am also not
Usually as big a
Xxxxing twat, as some I could mention.

archy found the shift key?
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
wotthehell, archy. wotthehell.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Jigsaw, on what the well-dressed car is wearing this summer:
quote:
I'm not quite sure what a bigass truck is, let alone how you adorn it with super pricy Grills, or what a "Calvin peeing" decal represents, or how you bungee it in a bed, but it all sounds fantastic, and with a couple of England flags added for good measure, just think how you could increase your amusement.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Mousethief on edges:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
we're talking round pipes. Perfectly round. There is no edge. It's the exact 180° opposite of having an edge. You can't get any less edgy than a cylinder. Their edgeosity factor is nil. No edgeness. Completely unedgeified. It's not a sword in any way, shape, or form. Give it up.


 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Radical Whig in Purgatory:

quote:
So, for me, Christianity is really a philosophical choice, which I accept because it is good. It's a lifestyle I decide (attempt) to adhere to for its own sake, because of its inherent excellence and attractiveness, and not necessarily because it is literally true. Speculative understanding of the immortal gods/God is a fruitless task, about which I am in any case profoundly agnostic. Yet, if what is "good" is true, there is a certain ineffable "truth" at the heart of Christianity.

 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Get as clever a you like: nonsense will still be nonsense. --Tom Clune

in a purg thread.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
3rd Footer, in Ecclesiantics, on equal opportunity in liturgical roles:
quote:
I thought men's ordination to the flower guild was a dead horse.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Provided as evidence that Tortuf is one shameless human being, and that to be flamed by some people is an honor:

quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:



Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, kfingers, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his back a thousand times, and now how abhorr'd in my imagination it is!
My gorge rises at it.

We here in the Ship come not to bury Yorick, but to praise him. The trolling that men do lives after them,
The good is oft interred with their bones,
So let it be with Yorick ... The noble jlg
Hath told you Yorick was an asshole:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Yorick answered it ...

He hath brought many agnostics home to Mumbai,
Whose medications did the general coffers fill:
Did this in Yorick seem ambitious?
When that the poor have cried in Mumbai, Yorick hath bragged:

What cause withholds you then to mourn for him?
O judgement! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason…. Bear with me;
My heart is in the coffin there with Yorick,
And I must pause till it come back to me.


 
Posted by Apocalypso (# 15405) on :
 
Mark Wuntoo, in his Purg thread OP:

pubic places had notices 'No spitting'
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
uncletoby, in the "Fermented or Unfermented?" thread in Purg:

If Jesus had really tried to foist non-alcoholic wine on a bunch of well-refreshed wedding guests, my guess is that he would have been crucified rather sooner than the gospel accounts suggest.

Mildly surprised Angloid didn't beat me to it!

AG
 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Psyduck said -

Or it might just be romantic imbecility transposed into a quasi-theological key

I love it - even though I'm not certain what it means.

[Smile]
 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
On booze...
quote:
Originally posted by Leaf:
Wait, wait... so on this thread, mousethief is appealing to the plain meaning of Scripture, while NJA is arguing from his tradition? [Eek!]

I need a drink.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
This comment from Amanda B. Reckondwythe made me smile:

Whenever anyone asks me if I excercise, my answer is: "I get all the exercise I need attending funerals of people who exercised."
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
When I read the Greek of the New Testament I am constantly reminded of the words of my Greek professor. His field was classical Greek. He was also a devout Christian. He said that he read the NT with very mixed feelings. As a Christian, he was aware of the holiness of the text. As a lover of the Greek language, he was appalled.

Moo

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Imaginary Friend (# 186) on :
 
PhilA on the 'Liberals in name only' thread in Hell:

quote:
I don't think I could take an anarchist seriously with a double mocha choca frapo capo latte in his hand (unless he was going to throw it on a passing poodle after refusing to pay for it).

 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
From a thread in Hell, we get a new piece of liturgy. Who knew?

quote:
Originally posted by AristonAstuanax:
Bring forth the sinner!

"Do you, romanlion, renounce the Tea Party and all its works?"
«I do.»
"And likewise idiotic arguments?"
«I do.»
"Do you hereby embrace the entire Constitution of the United States of America, including Article Five, and all amendments to this document, having been made according to its direction?"
«I do.»
"Do you so promise before God and us, your brothers and sisters, to turn away from stupidity and embrace right reason, beginning again in a new life on the Ship?"
«I do.»
"Then I now bitchslap thee in the name of the Legislative, Executive and Judicial branches. Amen."


 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
Loses a bit without the context - here - but this from PhilA made me smile.

quote:
Pissing into the wind is usually a good idea. I don't know anyone who couldn't do with a little watering now and again.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Alex Cockell hits a home run on the "Kumbayah" thread in Heaven:

quote:
Originally posted by Alex Cockell:
quote:
Originally posted by infinite_monkey:
I have GOT to know what the sign for "Kumbayah" looks like.

Simple. It's the same as "AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...and some sobering food for thought:

quote:
Originally posted by AristonAstuanax:
quote:
Originally posted by Gracious rebel:

Did anyone else sing one to the tune of Do-reh-mi that started

'S for Sin a dreadful thing
A for Adam who first fell...'

(it spelt out the word SAVIOUR; wouldn't have worked accross the pond as the spelling is different! In fact the ABC one wouldn't have worked either, as Z has to rhyme with 'ahead'!!)

We also sung one in the church children's club to the tune of 'Michael rowed the boat ashore' about the ten commandments (I suspect my father my have written this one). The only lines I can recall are 'Do not steal, and do not kill (alleluia), love in marriage is God's will (allelulia)'

Why do these sound like the sorts of Horrors Of Religion that people tell their therapists about years later/use in their navel-gazing memoirs about Why They Left Religion?
(messed up quotes makes the baby Jesus cry)

[ 18. June 2010, 10:14: Message edited by: Chorister ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...and last but not least, a thread crawls out of cyberspace and attacks.

quote:
Originally posted by MiceElf:
Dammn You.... It was going so well.

Last night I had fondly remembered our girl group rehearsing
"What a Friend We Have In Jesus "
sung to the tune of
"The Carnival is Over" by The Seekers...

O.K. I was 14 then and easily impressed.

Then I woke up at 5.00 AM with Bloody Father Abraham spinning round my head. I have taken a pill, but someone has called the men in coats and I think there is time for one more chorus before the van arrives.

Cos I am one of them and so are you...


 
Posted by AristonAstuanax (# 10894) on :
 
Wow, I've made it into the quotes file twice in a week? Go me!
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Mousetheif in "This Land is Your Land"

Originally posted by Carex:
I know one person who was treed by a bear and sat up there for several hours with the bear peering up at him trying to remember if it was the Black or Brown bear that can't climb trees.


I have this great mental image of the bear at the foot of the tree muttering, "Now, am I the right kind of bear to climb up after this snack? I'd hate to be the wrong kind of bear and fall out of the tree. Let me remember, let me remember...."
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
Mousetheif in "This Land is Your Land"

Originally posted by Carex:
I know one person who was treed by a bear and sat up there for several hours with the bear peering up at him trying to remember if it was the Black or Brown bear that can't climb trees.


I have this great mental image of the bear at the foot of the tree muttering, "Now, am I the right kind of bear to climb up after this snack? I'd hate to be the wrong kind of bear and fall out of the tree. Let me remember, let me remember...."

[Killing me]
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
I love Leaf's qualification here:

quote:
*"Sheesh" is intended as an expression of exasperation, and in no way implies or endorses disrespect for OLASJC.

 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
I will be using this one by Mousetheif -


You're flogging a dead herring.


[Cool]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Marvin the Martian, in Hell on "Waste of Space" (a thread giving Rowan Williams a hard time)

Strong leadership isn't always a good thing. Sometimes it's better to keep everybody talking than to draw a line and tell those on the other side of it to either shut up or fuck off.

Thanks Marvin,

Can I add that so often strong leadership consists of bone-headed intransigence. Ta.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Jesus heals a woman squibs

And a jolly good thing too - quibs is a very nasty disease and very painful....
 
Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
*ahem* Chorister, did you mean to post that in "Grandson of FLP"? Because this is the Quotes File.

Aren't you a host here or something? [Razz]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Brian fart. Been watching too much tennis.

(And yes, I did realise I posted the mis-spelling - was going to correct it, then decided to leave it in so you could laugh even more. [Biased] )
 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Nigel M on the Sovereign God thread -

The Garden of Eden lurks heavily in the background


I love the picture of a lurking garden [Smile]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
mousethief and Foaming Draught collaborate in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Foaming Draught:
quote:
Originally posted by Eutychus:
another biblical principle

Take my yolk upon you?
If your yolk is light, they aren't free-range chickens.

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Spiffy, being her usual fluffy-bunny self in Hell:
quote:
Man, today started off awful for me, watching Yorick and Numpty slap-fight in this thread is better than unicorns bringing me ice cream and angels farting rainbows.

 
Posted by andythehat (# 10399) on :
 
You beat me to it Campbellite!

So instead I give you Yorick on the "Eggs" thread in Hell:

Originally posted by Eutychus:
You're just albumin for albumin's sake.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I keep reading it. It keeps making me laugh. It's hurting now.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Sometimes simple and profound are one and the same, as discovered by Emma Louise:

Life sometimes really isn't easy is it..
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Okay, I'm evil, but I laughed at this by Mousethief:

quote:
You know, if you have nothing to say, you could just say nothing. Saying less than nothing creates a kind of intellectual vacuum that makes a sucking sound that kind of spoils one's enjoyment of the rest of the thread.



[ 01. July 2010, 21:43: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Harsh, but funny:
quote:
Originally posted by Call me Numpty:
quote:
Originally posted by fletcher christian:
What is church discipline (or lack thereof?) Can you expand on what you mean?

It's the third defining mark of a true church as defined in the classic confessions of the Reformation. Anglicanism never bought into it, hence the sad sight of some bearded hermit telling an insane witch not to where a pointy hat in church.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by kankucho on the "Who is evangelical?" thread in Purg:
ISTM that anyone who purports to embrace a religion (Christian or otherwise) without recommending it to others is not a believer at all, but merely a customer.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The combined quotablility of Lyda and Spiffy, on being an American:

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
I'm as patriotic as the next gal. I'll be out on the 4th having a good, old time listening to J. P. Sousa marches and quotes from the Declaration of Independence and the Preamble to the Constitution, singing "America the Beautiful", and cheering the fireworks. There are many things about the US that please me, not the least being freedom of speech.

But then the nutjobs open their mouths and it can be soooo embarrassing to be American. [Hot and Hormonal]

I have the same problem, with the added joy of the nutjob being someone I'm related to. My secret shame is the Tea Partiers in my family.

I take solace that my queer, Green Party votin', civil rights demandin', gender-role dismissin', ain't takin' no shit from anyone and that goes double for you, honored Grandfather, self is just as embarrassing to them as they are to me.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Qlib in Hell:

Even Jesus had to vent occasionally.
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
PataLeBon in Hell, as an alternative to homicide:

This is Hell, so I don't know why I would even try...but this is more entertaining than thinking about ways to kill my neighbor with the tile hammer
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon in Heaven:
At a South American cathedral the congregation was singing enthusiastically before some major celebration started. I was sure they were singing "Huevos! Huevos! Huevos!" (i.e., "Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!"). It turns out the real words were "Fuego! Fuego! Fuego!" (i.e., "Fire! Fire! Fire!").

(I know just enough Spanish to be dangerous. At least I've never yelled "Huevos!" in a burning building.)


 
Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :
 
If you take into consideration that "huevos" is also slang for "balls" (Brit. "bollocks") it's even funnier.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Disclaimer: I have no opinion as to whether this jibe applies to the target, I just thought it was really funny. Also, it's not like a lot of us shouldn't think this over [Big Grin] :

quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
When you stand before your Lord in Final Judgement, [Shipmate], what are you going to say when He asks you why the fuck you wasted so much of your and everyone else's miserable time being a fucktard on the Ship of Fools instead of doing something useful like boiling your head?


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
A long one, but worth quoting by Louise:
quote:
The Bad Samaritan - New Conservative version

A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of gay bashers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead.

A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side and said 'Bloody Good Show!'. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, whipped out his cameraphone and said 'hehe I must tweet this pic'. But a Filthy Librul Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him.

The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and if there's any money left over give it to charity, but for Heaven's sake don't give any money to the Gay Bashers' Benevolent Fund or the local clergy who're all in favour of that sort of thing.'

And at that point the priest and Levite went batshit insane, crying, 'Come and see the filthy Liberal intolerance inherent in the system! Help Help! We're being repressed! Will no-one support traditional country sports anymore?'

And the Landlord said unto them 'But don't you think that persecuting innocent people who've never harmed you is a shitty sort of thing to do?'

And they replied 'Hey, who are you going to believe? Our interpretation of the Bible or your own eyes? Such vile worldliness!'

And the landlord shook his head and turned away saying 'You're total tossers'

And the priest and the Levite nearly had an orgasm on the spot saying "Oooh ooh oooh! More persecution! Did you hear what he said to us! That's filthy librul persecution, that is!"

And the landlord said unto them 'Right! I've had enough! Out! Sod off! We don't serve promoters of gay bashing in here!'

And the priest and the Levite said 'OOOh Oooh! -we've come in our robes!'

And they went away highly satisfied that they'd been properly persecuted, and that it was all the fault of 'The World' teh Gheys and filthy liberals.

Amen


 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
Sparrow posted this good advice in Heaven:

I always remember reading some time ago, something to the effect that: "look at the lifestyle of the vicar. If he drives a bigger car, or lives in a more luxurious style than the poorest of his congregation, then run a mile"
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Marvin the Martian, in Hell :

quote:
I thought puritans were totally opposed to the joy of sects.

 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
Marvin the Martian, in Hell :

quote:
I thought puritans were totally opposed to the joy of sects.

And then, just a bit down in the same thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Pegasus:
quote:
From the article:
Jeffrey John, the Dean of St Albans, was under consideration for the post and would have replaced the Right Rev Tom Butler, who retired earlier this year.

As the Rev Spooner once said, "And now let us pray for our queer Dean..."

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
Sparrow posted this good advice in Heaven:

I always remember reading some time ago, something to the effect that: "look at the lifestyle of the vicar. If he drives a bigger car, or lives in a more luxurious style than the poorest of his congregation, then run a mile"

Perhaps the rhyme by Psyduck (quoted on the Kum ba Yah for today's church thread) is rather appropriate here:

Public transport, Lord! Kum ba yah.
Nothing runs on time, Kum ba yah.
Can't be bothered, Lord, Kum ba yah.
Oh Lord, Kame by Ka.


(Or, in the case of one of our former vicars, a motorbike. A right and proper means of transport for a 'Rev'.)
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Alfred E. Neuman:
You know, one of the signs of advancing age is an inordinate obsession with the past.

Alfred E. Neuman

This had me busting up! True dat! [Killing me]

[code...argh!]

[ 13. July 2010, 15:22: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Michael Astley:
When purgatorial discussions fall apart it tends to be when people invest more emotionally in their posts than actual reason.

Thread: Ship of Fools and the Orthodox Plot

*This I have been guilty of in years past...I speak from experience.
 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
Chapelhead brings the house down in Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
I really think that the Ship has been far too soft on Evangelicals recently.

So long as you remember to love the Evangelicals but hate the Evangelicalism.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
RadicalWhig on the basis of Christianity...

quote:
Originally posted by RadicalWhig:
... a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

[Smile]
 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
From comet:
quote:
Leaving the church of your upbringing and forefathers is like disowning your beloved yet slightly insane grandma. It's very painful.
Quite true...
 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by PhilA:
...

Jesus is not my boyfriend
He's my God and my king
And to him my praise I'll sing
But are we closer than a flea is to a rat?
Gerald is the one I love like that

Oh Gerald is the one that I will snuggle
He's the one I'll sing a love song to
Jesus is the one that I will worship
So lets not confuse the two

Someone needs to popularize this.
 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Apocalypso, on the "To Hell With Your Evil Theology" thread in Hell:

quote:
An institution whose dome is supported solely by men is going to have trouble communicating effectively with a world where women hold up half the sky.

[Code tweak, iF]

[ 21. July 2010, 09:11: Message edited by: Imaginary Friend ]
 
Posted by kankucho (# 14318) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Snow Leopard:
Goodness, is that really the plural of "penis"? My husband only had the one, so we didn't have much occasion to wonder what the plural was.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Joyeux, I apologize if you already got this,( [Big Grin] ) but I coudn't find it anywhere but Anna B's sig and NEEDED to save it:


quote:
"Jesus did not barf all over the woman taken in adultery"---malik3000


 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
On the 'To Hell with your evil theology' thread

quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:


I should warn you that if you hereby reply to the effect that in your opinion the RCC should instead punish paedophilia by excommunication and reporting it immediately to the authorities, I shall arise from my desk, drive to my neighbour’s farm, steal his goat and sacrifice it forthwith on an altar to the god of fucking utter cluelessness.

Don’t make me do it.

[Overused]

Please do - we could sell tickets.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Joyeux, I apologize if you already got this,( [Big Grin] ) but I coudn't find it anywhere but Anna B's sig and NEEDED to save it:


quote:
"Jesus did not barf all over the woman taken in adultery"---malik3000


No worries! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I think this would make a great sig.

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:


Brevity is the soul of wit? If the converse is also true, then you lot would post for pages each.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
mousethief:
quote:
It must be hair-raising to have a g-string break on an instrument you hold between your legs.
I would give the context for that gem, but that would be problemmatic.

(psst - Kelly, did you want to post this one?)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh, my gosh, I just saw the funniest quote!! ( [Biased] )

[ 27. July 2010, 06:23: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Keep your coat on, Pete, it's funny.

quote:
Originally posted by PeteC:
quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
Choc is wrapped.

Choc is posted.

[Yipee]

Choc will come again?

Getting my coat


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I think this would make a great sig.

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:


Brevity is the soul of wit? If the converse is also true, then you lot would post for pages each.


Oh yes.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Cottontail:
Let everything that has breasts praise the Lord!

No comment, I just wanna stare up and admire that, like this: [Roll Eyes]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Lyda*Rose, after an alarming excursion into invertebrate zoology:
quote:
Shellfish are shopping on the internet?! [Eek!]

Man, anyone can get a PayPal account these days. [Paranoid]


 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by RadicalWhig:
Even if you base your belief on the Bible or on church creeds, at some point you have to make a decision rooted in your own, very human, reason. Otherwise pink inflatable penguins will eat all your invisible four sided triangles with a ding-dong mouse cup boat. Then the wazerhitters will fitje your hontlebutt, and you'll be inverted to a blue-sized apple coffee fart. It's a short slide from there to taking Young Earth Creationism seriously.

If you once abandon reason, where do you stop?

Brilliant and beautiful.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:

Religion is like the power tools outside my office. In responsible, capable hands beautiful things can be created. In the hands of idiots, body parts are going to start flying.

As Ani DiFranco put it, "Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right."
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Sez Bullfrog:

I shouldn't try to speak on behalf of people who disagree with me, lest someone return the favor.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Details like this are what make great writing:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:

Pink Coyote had been named in line with the custom of the first thing the father saw when told of the birth. It was unfortunate that his parent had just come off a mescalin bender.



 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Beeswax Altar:
quote:
originally posted by Yerevan:
As opposed to the whole world gathering around some fluffy syncretist concept of the divine, having a big group hug and breaking into "I'd like to teach the world to sing". That ain't gonna happen either.

But don't you see...if the evil Roman Catholic Church sold all its artwork, it could actually buy the world a Coke!
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
Dinghy Sailor:
quote:
What "message"? Are you trying to evangelise me? Burn in heaven you bigoted ass-licking god botherer.
Made me laugh, is jolly handy, and rolls nicely off the tongue. Um. So to speak.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Hear- freaking- hear, duchess:

quote:
Originally posted by duchess:

Why can't we get cool Atheists like Penn & Teller on SoF?


 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Meg the Red:

However, in my reality, apple butter is what happens when you live in an apartment and are envious of people who have lawns and gardens and apple trees and then oh my goodness one of those people posts an offer on freecycle pleading folks to relieve him of a superabundance of apples and you reply goodygoodygoody and ride on over and find that others have nabbed every apple within easy reach and it's hot and muggy and the mosquitoes have made you a human buffet and you decide gee those windfalls don't look so bad so you cram both panniers full to bursting and get home and realize that you've no fridge space for the apples and so you have to do something with them now and they're really tiny and kinda bruised and damn they're sour so apple butter it is so you spend the next 45 minutes washing and coring then you stew down a vat of the loathesome little suckers then realize sh*t oh dear you haven't a food mill anymore so they all need to be forced through a succession of sieves and by the time you've permanently damaged your right arm doing that your husband is home and commenting that it seems like a lot of work for something he doens't really like and you contemplate a winter of eating gallons of apple butter on everything including your breakfast eggs and you curse eco-friendliness and your wastenotwantnot ancestors and contemplate developing a nice cozy relationship with a keg of whisky which you will probably end up mixing half and half with you-know-what just to use it up dammit.

This (with differing fruits) is so true! A magnificent sentence.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Apocalypso:
Muslim, Christian, Jew, Buddhist, Wiccan, Tao, and atheist, we are all still baboons half-a-cell down.

Appreciate your humanity, but work at retaining it. Well put, Apocalypso.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...on a lighter note, Lyda Rose demonstrates her familiarity with Shiply ebb and flow:


quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
I think you might say we're approaching the after-dinner phase of this Hell thread, and the coffee is being passed around.



[ 15. August 2010, 06:18: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Hear- freaking- hear, duchess:

quote:
Originally posted by duchess:

Why can't we get cool Atheists like Penn & Teller on SoF?


Okay, I just have to ask. If Teller were on SoF, how would we know?
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by basso:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Hear- freaking- hear, duchess:

quote:
Originally posted by duchess:

Why can't we get cool Atheists like Penn & Teller on SoF?


Okay, I just have to ask. If Teller were on SoF, how would we know?
£5 would have mysteriously disappeared from the Organ Fund.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(snort, MT) [Snigger]

Honestly, I just thought it was a funny line and kinda liked the idea.
And if P&T are lurkers-- y'all are my kind of atheists. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Miffy beautifully captures the essence of Greenbelt:

quote:
Originally posted by Miffy:
there is therefore a very real possibility that she could wander into a broom cupboard under the mistaken impression that she is in the queue for the New Transcendant Alternative Knit-Your-Own Navel workshop in Soulspace. Should you see her, speak to her kindly, steer her round, point her in the direction of the nearest Nice Cup of Tea and All Will Be Well. [Smile]


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
...on a lighter note, Lyda Rose demonstrates her familiarity with Shiply ebb and flow:


quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
I think you might say we're approaching the after-dinner phase of this Hell thread, and the coffee is being passed around.


The coffee went cold. [Frown]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
RadicalWHig channels his inner Hinn:

quote:
Originally posted by RadicalWhig:
There's someone out there tonight who needs to do something for God. It's no accident that you are sitting at home watching this show. That's God's plan. He's trying to reach you, trying to help you get a hold on your life. Maybe you feel that your life is out of control. Maybe you need a miracle. Well that's why God is here tonight. He's here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, and He's anointed me to bring this message to you.

Perhaps you waiting for God, saying "I want to do something for God". Maybe you can't do on a missions trip. Maybe you are too old, or too poor. But you can do something for God. Right now. No matter how little you have, you can give it to God. That's right. Give it to God. God wants you to go to your computer and click on the donate button. Or call in. The lines are open now to take your pledges. It might be just a 1000 dollars. It might be 100 dollars, or 50, but you know that the best thing you can go is give it to God, so that I can continue God's work. You can be a partner in God's work, through me, and together we can reach the lost.

Now, I know what you are thinking, you are thinking, "Pastor Whig, I want to serve God, but I can't because I need that money for rent or groceries". Now that's the devil talkin'. That's the devil trying to bind you to the present illusion of this world, so that he can get between you and God's blessing. If you send me your rent money, send me your grocery money, God will return it to you in abundance. God says that He wants you to live abundantly, but he can't do that if you let the devil keep you clinging to this world. Be bold for God. Dedicate your rent money as an offering to God, through me, and God will bless you abundantly. Remember the widow's mite. Remember the parable of the talents? God's gonna take your mite and give it back to your many times. So don't delay. You might not get another chance.

Maybe you are sick. Maybe you think you need that money for medicines. But that's just the devil's lies. I remember one time I was in Little Rock, preaching the word of God, and this woman came up to me and she said, "Pastor Whig, I'm so sick and I'm broke and I don't know what to do" - and I felt God just appear to me, and God told me what to say. You see, this woman was trusting in medicine, in man's wisdom, and not trusting in God. I said, "Throw away that medicine. Trust in God. Give that money you would have wasted on the devils potions to God. Give it as a faith offering, a seed offering to God - make a covenant with God, and God will honour His covenants." And she did. She gave two hundred and fifty eight dollars, which was every cent she had, to God's ministry. And I know in my heart that God will have blessed her and healed her.

Are you like that sick woman? Do you need God's blessing tonight? Do you need God's healing tonight? Then sow that seed for God. Invest faithfully in God, and God will invest in you. Click that donate button now. Keep calling in with your pledges. The lines are open and our trained prayer counsellors are ready to take your calls



[ 18. August 2010, 04:28: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
sabine on priorities:

quote:
Originally posted by sabine:
What about the strip joint near ground zero? I know, I know <searching for the proper verse> 'Tis better to have a naked pole dancer close to "holy ground" than a veiled woman worshipping God

sabine


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
John Holding on the beautiful and the holy:

quote:
I'll have to confess to being a little bemused at the entry of "beauty" into the question of holiness. Saying a very beautiful place didn't strike you as holy is like saying a blue room didn't strike you as being around 90 degrees fahrenheit.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Beeswax Altar:
quote:
You do realize that if that 18% is a correct estimate that more people believe that Obama is Muslim than actually live in Canada.

A fun poll would ask how many people think he's Irish.


 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
A lovely word from Foxymoron - imagineering - from here .

[Big Grin]

[ 20. August 2010, 15:49: Message edited by: Boogie ]
 
Posted by fletcher christian (# 13919) on :
 
quote:

You do realize that if that 18% is a correct estimate that more people believe that Obama is Muslim than actually live in Canada.

A fun poll would ask how many people think he's Irish.

wish granted

[Big Grin]

I love the 'ancestral home' bit

[ 20. August 2010, 16:02: Message edited by: fletcher christian ]
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
A lovely word from Foxymoron - imagineering - from here .

[Big Grin]

You could always apply for a job as an Imagineer.
 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
by Adeodatus here.

I've had a few days "between books", which makes my soul itchy.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by St. Stephen the Stoned (# 9841) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by fletcher christian:
quote:

You do realize that if that 18% is a correct estimate that more people believe that Obama is Muslim than actually live in Canada.

A fun poll would ask how many people think he's Irish.

wish granted

[Big Grin]

I love the 'ancestral home' bit

All together now...
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Spiffy:
quote:
I've got an aunt <snip>. Said aunt has no children, is divorced, lives with her parents, has no medical insurance, and has alienated every single other member of the family. She lives in a constant state of anger and fear.

We pity her deeply and try to hide from her as much as possible at family events.

I think every family has such a sad oddity of one kind or other.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Love song to NYC:

quote:
Originally posted by ToujoursDan:
No. I live in New York and we are not arseholes to everyone. In fact, we tend to leave each other alone and respect our differences. Even devout followers of the 3 main religions coexist peacefully.

I live near Boerum Hill, which is the centre of Brooklyn's Yemeni Muslim community and occasionally see niqab covered women on the street. I have never witnessed anyone being rude or aggressive to them.

I take the "F" train from Cobble Hill to West 4th every day. The route passes through both Hasidic Jewish neighbourhoods AND Boerum Hill. It's not uncommon to see niqab wearing Muslims seated next to tophat wearing Hasids on the train to and from work. Everyone gets along. I have never witnessed an act of aggression based on religion on the train.

Atlantic Avenue, from Flushing to the BQE, is so Middle Eastern the locals call it the "Gaza Strip" but Middle Eastern Christian shops mix with Middle Eastern Muslim shops. The only way you can tell the difference is which day they are closed. The rest of us LOVE to shop at these stores because the food is so good.

New Yorkers are impatient, blunt and in your face, but we are not belligerent to people just because they are different. This is by far the most mixed and tolerant city in this country and most of us wouldn't have it any other way. I came here for the diversity.

[Overused] [Tear]
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Divine Dwarf Outlaw on the bible:
quote:
You should read the book, it's really rather good. And there's some sex towards the middle.

 
Posted by Apocalypso (# 15405) on :
 
cliffdweller on the "rating Obama" thread, about trying to choose the lesser of two evils:

quote:
Sort of like saying it would be better to be kicked in the teeth by an angry goat then it would be to have your tongue stapled to a stampeding buffalo.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sober Preacher's Kid:

*idly tosses cashew into mouth*

Hmm, an Anglican calls another Anglican to Hell? Now THAT'S Double-Predestination for you.

[Devil]


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
It eventually happens to us all.

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
I don't care who started it, I'm stopping it*. [snip]


*=oh christ, I've turned into my dad. [Help]


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Know thyself.

quote:
Originally posted by IntellectByProxy:
Yeah, but people here don't actively dislike me. Most, I assume, regard me as a somewhat banal and irrelevant diversion.

[Snigger] (Highfives IbP)
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
RadicalWhig on The phenomenon of the Christian Bitch thread:
quote:
Frozen food - convenience food - is only for those who don't have help. True Christians are blessed with at least one Mexican cook.
(That's in Heaven in case you were wondering!) [Razz]
 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
Ridiculousness available on request, absurdity require 24 hours notice and a 20% deposit.


 
Posted by Malin (# 11769) on :
 
Marvin the Martian on the Purgatory thread The Problem with accepting all faiths ....
quote:
The key difference between St Stephen and modern fundamentalists is the direction in which the stones are flying.

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Malin:
Marvin the Martian on the Purgatory thread The Problem with accepting all faiths ....
quote:
The key difference between St Stephen and modern fundamentalists is the direction in which the stones are flying.

I am SO stealing that line. [Overused]
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
Me too. Marvin and I rarely see eye to eye but that's one of the best things he's ever written here.
 
Posted by W Hyatt (# 14250) on :
 
Johnny S in "The Historical Jesus" in Purgatory:

quote:
25 years is a long time.

Are we really sure we know what The Jesus Seminar said all those years ago?

I love it!
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
(snort, MT) [Snigger]

Honestly, I just thought it was a funny line and kinda liked the idea.
And if P&T are lurkers-- y'all are my kind of atheists. [Big Grin]

I would love to bang my bible on them! Steel-plated bible is ready in case the situation ever arises.
 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Now, Duchess, you know they're magicians. They'd likely turn it into a beer stein, or dove, or something!
[Biased]
 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
I particularly liked the Chief Rabbi's comment:

Science takes things apart to see how they work. Religion puts things together to see what they mean.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by QLib:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Love and frothing homicidal urges are not mutually exclusive.

Absolutely. Burying your loved ones under the patio is just an extreme form of Tough Love.
I saw Kelly's remark last night on the iPhone and thought, "That belongs in the Quotes file!" but wasn't going to deal with it on the small touch screen.

I can't believe no one beat me to posting it, but having seen Qlib's response I'm glad I waited.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Always a bridesmaid, finally a bride. [Big Grin]

And I agree, QLib's response sold it. The only thing that held me back from posting it myself was the desire to keep my egotism at bay.

[ 03. September 2010, 18:32: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Imaginary Friend (# 186) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
The only thing that held me back from posting it myself was the desire to keep my egotism at bay.

You're so vain... [Biased]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
This one, by Mdijon, will only get better as the context is stripped away:

quote:
There's a lot to incomprehend and neither "it was a sore spot" or "he's from Yorkshire" seem adequate explanations to me.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
In Eccles, discussing the proper liturgy for Geek Sunday (10.10.10):

quote:
Originally posted by Martin L:
There's always the Decalogue.

followed by:
quote:
Originally posted by Jengie Jon:
Did our Lord know binary, or if not, why did he reduce the ten commandments to just two?


 
Posted by Silver Faux (# 8783) on :
 
Who else among us, other than Myrrh, could ever have the genius to compile a sentence such as this one found in Purgatory:

Beginning with the nutty professor who so wanted to prove his dedication to his new love "Environmentalism" the Truth that he put his measuring stick on top of the world's largest active volcano in world's largest active hot spot with its massive supply of CO2 from which he could continue to cherry pick his figures to show the "trend" he wanted to show as he had done to establish his "base" and so on, to the growth of the "green movement fundamentalists" and their being taken over by self-interested "governments" and "big business", the unholy alliance the trinity of wankers pulling the teats ever faster to milk the cache cow for all it could give them while encouraging those it continued to squash further into slavery, by assaults on all fronts to their freedoms of life style and restricting the money they have to spend, to raise their voices in indignant support of the goodness and morality and scientific integrity of their oppressors and indigant support by ad hominens against any who would point out the shackles they were really in..

I especially enjoyed the unholy alliance the trinity of wankers pulling the teats ever faster to milk the cache cow for all it could give them
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped in the Made in the Image thread in Purg:
We were made in the image of God, but right now we bear about as much resemblance to him as my driver's license photo does to me.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
Ariel on form on the News Bulletins from Planet Myrrh thread in Hell.

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
quote:
Originally posted by Myrrh:
Twas the crop circles that did it for me. They're coming back and they'll show these upstart wannabees what for!

But everybody knows crop circles are coded messages left by Muslims who have infiltrated British fields by stealth. You can tell because they're all geometric patterns, and if you put them on a grid and split them up into a lot of curves and arrange them in a row, they spell out messages in Arabic.

OK, the only ones to be decoded so far read "Hassan Woz 'Ere" and "Omar's Place 7.30 BYO Falafel" but it's a start.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Marmot:
quote:
Lord, we are not worthy to gather up the crumbs from under Thy table, but we're going to do it anyway, because we're out of wafers.
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
A gem from Yorick :-

quote:
Yeah, because dabbling with witchcraft as a teenager in High School makes someone more of a ‘ding dong’ than as a grown-up believing the universe was created by a supernatural megabeing who reproduced himself asexually by being born as a real human without a genome to a woman with an intact hymen just so that he could die and then come back to life again in order for everyone to eat small discs of wheat starch and cheap Cab Sauv which are his body and blood so they can be let into eternal paradise even though they’re otherwise condemned to everlasting agony because their great-great-great-etc-grandad ate an apple because a snake told his wife to make him do it.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
One of the best theological statements I've heard lately, thanks to The Silent Acolyte, posting in Ecclesiantics:

quote:
Finally, God is able to walk and to chew gum at the same time. I'm sure of it

 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
A wonderful mental image:
quote:
Originally posted by Crœsos:
quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
Hence I have argued before on these board that
  • (papal) infallibility is a "Sword of Damocles" hanging over the RCC;
  • since God rarely leaves out an opportunity for drama, there is a some likelihood that the RC hierarchy will commit seppuku at some point by means of pronouncing infallible falsehood.

I'm just trying to picture the contortions needed to commit seppuku with the Sword of Damocles.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From BlueOpal:

quote:
One particular instance which springs to mind is a heartfelt prayer turning into "Shit, why is there a fucking wasp buzzing around me, FUCK OFF WASP!" and culminated with me mercilessly murdering said wasp after rolling up the nearest paper object.

Which happened to be the Church bulletin.

Peaceful, meditative prayer: I'm doing it wrong...



 
Posted by St. Stephen the Stoned (# 9841) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:
quote:
Originally posted by Malin:
Marvin the Martian on the Purgatory thread The Problem with accepting all faiths ....
quote:
The key difference between St Stephen and modern fundamentalists is the direction in which the stones are flying.

I am SO stealing that line. [Overused]
Me too.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
RooK has a gem in the Styx (trolling thread):

The Admins read minds. Hell, in some cases, we notice more of your thoughts than you seem to.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
If Ferijen needs another career, Party Planner might fit the bill:
quote:
Originally posted by Ferijen:
The thing is, if there's a bouncy castle, no one actually looks at the party hosts, just at the mix of 60 year olds and 1 year olds trying to stay upright.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Killing me]

quote:
Originally posted by Balaam:
quote:
Originally posted by Anselmina:
The author of the linked article appears to be at least several sandwiches short of a picnic.

The picnic appears to be 100% fruitcake.

 
Posted by St. Stephen the Stoned (# 9841) on :
 
mousethief makes a poetic point in Hell:

quote:
It's more blessed to give than it is to receive
Except when it comes to free advice, I believe


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Lamb Chopped:
quote:
There is no God but God and RooK is his admin.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by St. Stephen the Stoned:
mousethief makes a poetic point in Hell:

quote:
It's more blessed to give than it is to receive
Except when it comes to free advice, I believe


This is by Canadian singer-songwriter Bruce Cockburn.
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Today I was setting up snack for a classroom, and a plastic water pitcher half full began wandering toward the edge of the wheeled cart it was waiting on... I grabbed it on the non-handled side. The harder i tried to grab it, the more it used the force of my grasp against me, just like Kwai Chang Caine. It fell dramatically and splashed everything that the laws of physics would remotely allow it to splash.

It was laughing at me. I know it was.

Well you are exceedingly funny.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Yorick in the Styx -


quote:
Touché. We seem to have reached an impasse, à propos of the foreign words patois debacle. It’s a fait accompli, but although I’m au fait with that, I’m not blasé. I know it’s a cliché, and I don’t wish to be a provocateur here, but I feel we can enjoy a good rapport without sabotaging the raison d'être of this unique venue (and the café). Although we cannot have total carte-blanche, it would be nice to have a fairly laissez-fair- nay, avant-garde- attitude en route, and permit a little soupcon of mots juste for the sake of the joie de vivre. So! Let us ignore the façade of hauteur amongst the bourgeois clique! Let us celebrate the foreignness of the œuvre, without fear of gaffe or faux pas! Quelle horreur! Let us abandon this malaise and ennui! Raise your aperitif, my dear friend and raconteur extraordinaire! To English!
[Big Grin]

My son had a good laugh too :0)

[ 07. October 2010, 10:51: Message edited by: Boogie ]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Sioni Sais on the football thread (but it applies much more widely):
quote:

I'd love to know where anyone got the idea that you could make money as the owner of a premiership football team. It's about as wise as starting a land war in Asia.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I defy you to find a music critic out there with a more pungent description of a song:

quote:
Originally posted by Leaf:

Oh, and I would like to add: "The Girl from Ipanema". It sounds like carsickness feels.



[ 09. October 2010, 03:01: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
From Ms. Pollyanna D. Sundontshine, otherwise known as Kelly Alves:
quote:
...Kiss my ass, which is currently projecting a sunbeam...
I got that off the All Saints Praise thread, I think.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Ooh, I wanted to put that in! I hope the manic cheerfulness pays off for her.
 
Posted by Deckhand (# 15545) on :
 
In the light of the discussion in The Styx about whether you were likely to be planked for using foreign phrases (and Yorick's splendid paragraph of English using almost nothing but) I offered 'Nunquam Victor' as the Latin equivalent of 'You can't win'.

Game, set and match, however, were taken by Welease Woderwick:

my motto kept over from my childhood is Nescio quid dicas. Ita erat quando hic adveni. . - It's nothing to do with me. It was like that when I got here.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Organ Builder:
quote:
It seems Numpty wishes not merely to shake the dust from his sandals, but also to insist that those he is about to shun should sterilize his footwear before he leaves.

 
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Deckhand:

my motto kept over from my childhood is Nescio quid dicas. Ita erat quando hic adveni. . - It's nothing to do with me. It was like that when I got here.

[Overused]

Latin pedantry... the first sentence is "I don't know what you're talking about."
 
Posted by Deckhand (# 15545) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Hart:
quote:
Originally posted by Deckhand:

my motto kept over from my childhood is Nescio quid dicas. Ita erat quando hic adveni. . - It's nothing to do with me. It was like that when I got here.

[Overused]

Latin pedantry... the first sentence is "I don't know what you're talking about."
You are of course quite right. However, I feel that WW's Latin conveys the essence of the English translation that he gives.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa

[trans: it's all my fault]

Sorry about that, it really is my fault for not thinking before I hit the keyboard.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
On the current "face job or boob job" thread in Heaven:
quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
Getting back to cosmetic surgery, though; as I have aged, the veins on the top of my hand have stood out more and more each year.
They look really ugly, IMO.
So I guess, given a choice of any form of cosmetic enhancement, these days I would actually prefer a hand job.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by W Hyatt (# 14250) on :
 
Golden Key in a post on the "Hell Question" thread in The Styx:

quote:
Sometimes, as with a symphony, particular themes recur over a period of years..

 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Timothy the Obscure:
There's a big difference between "This is why I believe what I believe" and "This is why you should believe what I believe." I always find the former interesting--I don't give a damn about the latter.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Martin PC Not & Ship's Biohazard:

quote:
Ah, here I am! In all my solipsism. I wondered where I was.


 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
Fr. Gregory, via Nicodemia, Losing God thread, All Saints:

Father Gregory once said to me, when I was doubting whether God loved me, "You get loved along with everyone else", which I found enormously comforting!
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
In a discussion about mid-life decisions to seek ordination on the Vocations thread in All Saints.

quote:
Originally posted by 3rdFooter:
Besides where is the "mid-life" in eternal life?

Fr 3rdFooter (Ordained at 43)


 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
In the HOW MUCH!?! thread in Hell, Zach points out the obvious.

quote:
Originally posted by Zach82:
If Manchester United is supposed to be some charity for the unemployed, I think it is being fantastically generous in giving $500,000 to a man which, if he is like the usual sports player, has absolutely no other marketable skills whatsoever.


 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Angloid:

It's a pity that the RCC is so hung up on literal translation that the new Missal is likely to sound like an A level Latin prose translated by Daleks.

Angloid's comment on 70s thread
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Bob Two-Owls on the 'Embarrassingly 1970s thread:

I will go back to being pagan if I ever again have to hear the Lord's Prayer beginning with "Yo! God! you is in heaven innit"
 
Posted by 205 (# 206) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
For some reason (probably my perversity) whenever someone starts describing themselves as freethinkers, clear thinkers, rationalists, or what have you, I get this incredible urge to introduce myself, smile brightly and say, "So pleased to meet you. I'm a totally irrational psychopath myself."

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
In Poppy Pride and Prejudice (Hell) we have this practical and heart-felt suggestion from Mousetheif:

'We should maybe have a standing thread that lists the annual threads and gives appropriate not-before dates for starting them, and a terminal date for closing them. We could call it "What goes around, comes around again.'

No maybe about it.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I liked this quote by TubaMirum reminding us of Jesus' priorities:

(If you notice, the only people Jesus ever lectured were Pharisees. The religious authorities who demanded perfect adherence to the law, that is.

"Sinners," on the other hand, he invited to dinner.)

 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
Over in the mafia game, I thought about awarding El Greco some kind of prize for funniest post in thread, but instead I shall record it for posterity here:

quote:
originally posted by El Greco, channelling the god Ra:

I tried alchemy to turn that yellow thing go green, but then I remembered the Green Fever, green paper evokes in the unlearned. I tried to turn the shining thing into water, but then it occurred to me that that would overflow the Nile, and we don't want that, do we? Last time such an amount of gold was turned onto water by our great ancestor Noah, it didn't go that well.

Then I tried to turn it into thin air, but I could not succeed. All the scrolls spoke about turning thin air into gold, and they had little information about the opposite procedure.

So, desperate as I see all I love go to the Underworld, I beseech you: Give me time to find the glasses of Ra. It is this great artifact, this great religious object, that this excavation is really all about. It is said in the ancient hieroglyphics of the City of the Dead, that the glasses of Ra, the first glasses ever made on the planet, which Ra the Ancient used when he came on earth because he had myopia, are to be found inside this excavation site. It's either here, or in Norway, the hieroglyphics aren't very exact.

When I find the glasses, I will put them on. And then we will be safe.

It's very easy really. So, please try not to kill yourselves and not be killed, while I am looking for the glasses of Ra in the catacombs. The hieroglyphics of the Necropolis say that when a person of great affinity to the Gods wears them, he can see right into the character of each person. So, when we find them out, we will know who belongs to the mafia, and we can turn them to the police. We will also know who slept with Tiger Woods, and if Obama is the Antichrist.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
From QLib:

quote:
Language doesn't work like that. Hamburgers may have come from Hamburg, but no one is suggesting that beefburgers come from a place called Beefburg.
Thank you for that.

(Off now to google for the lost medieval town of Vegeburg.)
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Silver Faux:
quote:
Is it possible that some who appear to see through a glass darkly do so because the glass is filled with spiced rum?


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
A lesson in semantics.

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by "The Ship's Chaplain":
I really don't understand why people feel the need to swear though,

It's fun and it gets the point across so much easier.

quote:
it has always been my understanding that the greater the need to use profanities, the lower the intelligence. It makes perfect sense as obviously the lower the intelligence the more limited the vocabulary is likely to be.
I am compelled to point out that your inane insistence that profanity is the hallmark of an uneducated mind is leading me irrevocably towards the conclusion that, due to your inherent inability to pique the interest of any fine ladies in your locale, your social habits must, perforce, consist of nothing more than online verbiage and enthusiastic masturbation. I am left with the conclusion that your defenestration is the only viable solution to our mutual problem, viz. your continued insistence on ludicrous vocabulary constraints.

Means "Shitting hell, you are one tedious wanker. Why don't you just take your stupid 'no swearing' bollocks and fuck off."

See, it's much easier and more to the point if I use profanity, isn't it? [Smile]


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
There's one-liners, and then there's one-liners:

quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
Dying at age 90 going Mach 1 with my hair on fire, pursued by the father of a supermodel I had deflowered.

(On the "biggest fantasy" thread in Heaven.)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Sigh)
I laughed. Sue me.


quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
I know I stand in line
Until you think you have the time
To write a Hell post to me
And if we go someplace to duel
I know that there's a chance
You won't do fencing with me

Then afterwards we drop into this Hellish little place
And have a post or two
And then I go and flame your ass
By posting something truthful
Like ‘you fucktard’.

I can see it in your eyes
You still despise the same old lines
You heard the night before
And though it's just a line to you
For me it's true
And never seemed so right before

I practice every day to find some clever
lines to say
To tell the god-honest truth
So then I think I'll wait until you come onto
this board
And I can flame you

The time is right
Your posting fills my head
The mist get red
And oh the air's so blue
And then I go and say it all
By posting something honest
Like ‘you fucktard’…
’You fucktard’

I think this can go in the official hell songbook right next to Chastmastr's brilliant "That's What Hell is for."

[ 09. November 2010, 16:03: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by W Hyatt (# 14250) on :
 
From mousethief in the purg thread "I am being driven to the left.... ":
quote:
In today's politics, you are driven to the left by standing still.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by 3rdFooter:
Of course, if the sermon were directed by the Holy Spirit, then the words are not your own anyway.....

quote:
Originally posted by pjkirk:
I don't know if the holy spirit is in the business of suing for copyright violations though.

Very true.
quote:
Originally posted by Jon in the Nati:
The Holy Trinity is not terribly litigious, but if it were, it would hire St. Thomas More, and he'd win.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jon in the Nati:
The Holy Trinity is not terribly litigious, but if it were, it would hire St. Thomas More, and he'd win.

St. Ivo of Kermartin was no slouch as a lawyer either. Maybe he gives competitive rates for special clients.
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
mousethief in the Obama is gonna take out guns thread:
quote:

Good thing breathing is autonomic.

Apropos far too often.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Erin making a wonderfully understated point to IngoB in MAAN:

quote:
I have to ask, and this is in all sincerity. You clearly find the leadership of the boards morally and intellectually deficient and do not agree at all with the way we do things (and will continue to do things) so why do you not shake the dust from your sandals and depart this place?

 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
quote:
Eutychus, in fine form:


quote:
Originally posted by Apocalypso:
*Sings*

nibbling

Wait. "ni" is "in" spelled backwards... "in" is "in" spelled backwards and reversed... "bb" stands for "Bulletin Board"... and "lg" is "jlg" without the "j" for "Jesus" [Eek!]

This is clearly satanic. A prayer vigil should be convened at once.


 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
On the 'Big Dick' thread in Hell.

quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
I couldn’t see how talking about a real life bishop being horrid about another real life bishop would need a second Hostly warning by reference to another thread firstly warning about how naughty it is to talk about a virtual bishop on a thread about a real life bishop being naughty.

I enjoyed that [Smile]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
On the same thread, Sine once again lays it out:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
That's just so Anglican. You can be a bishop and be iffy about the Virgin birth or the nature of the Trinity, but be impolite and you're out on you ass.


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
In Heaven, Nunzia told us what she eats for breakfast:

quote:
Originally posted by Nunzia:
I start with a pure,white, spotless bowl, undefiled by chips or crazing.

Into that I pour Wheaties, representing Christ, the Champion of all those who trust in him.

Over the Wheaties, I pour milk, representing the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.

Then comes the sprinkling of the raisins, as a reminder of the true vine and the husbandman.

I really, really want to throw in some sliced bananas, but I can't. I love bananas but I don't know what they mean.


 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
jlg, speaking of the Ship -


In any ten minutes, I never fail to learn something. Maybe the latest news flash (before I even read the morning paper), a bird/critter factoid, the arcane details of etiquette or the British royalty/peerage system, the convoluted reasoning of some True Believer, who is celebrating what and how, or simply what lots of other people all over the world are doing with their time, not to mention what they are eating!


[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Nunzia (# 4766) on :
 
churchgeek in Purgatory, on the subject of why the NZ miners weren't rescued.

quote:
We are definitely not going to get a logically satisfying answer to the "problem of evil" from a God whose apparent response to suffering in creation was, "Ooo, lemme get in on that!"

...and then, from the Cross, asked basically the same question we're asking here.


 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
Mousethief, demonstrating his on-going mastery of the quip (in Hell, something to do with spermatazoa and Mackintoshes):
quote:
Jedi are overrated. I've gone over to the grey side.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Max_Power on the Religious Indoctrination of Children thread in Purg, on why he became a Christian despite his atheist parents' attempts to prevent just that:
(I)n my early twenties I realised that there was more to life than nothing.


 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Rook is going soft in his old age.

But, you know what, fuck that. Considering how I hope your face gets eaten by baboons, then your exposed sinuses are then infested with tarantulas, and as you lie there blind and bleeding with giant hairy spiders laying eggs on your soft palate I hope you get sodomized by a pack of crazed hyenas that have escaped from a methamphetamine experiment...

Unsurprisingly, from Hell.

AG
 
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on :
 
posted by Adeodatus in Purg:

If Jesus and I are supposed to have a relationship, it wouldn't kill him to pick up the phone once in a while.
 
Posted by Jigsaw (# 11433) on :
 
Evangeline, in the Purg thread "Fill out the Church application form in triplicate" wondering how Jesus would have completed his application form:

"I bet these churches'd knock back Jesus Christ himself if he applied. Some suggested answers to a suitably modified application so as not to infringe copyright.

1. If you were baptized, describe your experience.

I was dunked in the Jordan by a hippie and then I heard voices.

2. Relate your experience with education classes or small group ministry.

They went really well for a while and then everyone got confused about who and what the Messiah was and somebody dobbed me into the police and then everyone dropped out except for my Mum and a couple of her gal pals.

3. Relate your experience with telling others about Jesus Christ.

It didn't end so well either. I preached but when they arrested me I stopped talking cos it was a waste of time. Ended up being mocked and spat on._

4. Explain how God has gifted you and how you have used that to serve others.

Turning water into wine has been a big hit at parties.

5. Describe your commitment with financial giving

As an unemployed itinerant preacher with a few carpentry skills I'm not so good with financial commitments.

6. What is the last church you attended and why did you decide to leave?

1st Jewish synagogue in Jerusalem.

The attempted stonings and lynch mobs became a bit problematic.

7. Have you ever been under any kind of church discipline? Please explain.

See above. "
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
Spiffy in Hell:
quote:
...your Bible is suffering from a case of the translation stupids.
That gave me a very needed laugh!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
In Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Herrick:
IDIOT the girl at the checkout who couldn't scan my condoms, "Price check on Ansell condoms extra-small."

Takes a big man to admit it, Herrick. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Barnabas62 on the "Calling my co-religionists to Hell" thread:
The bible is not a paper Pope.


 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief in Heaven:
And you could always get used meat from the pagan temples, apparently. "Only sacrificed once, on Sundays, by an old priestess."

I'll keep that in mind!
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Silver Faux on people wanting their church to be different (should be printed on church noticeboards up and down the land):

Okay, clearly I see a few things differently from some of y'all.
But I beleive that God blesses - truly blesses - each congregation.
Just not in exactly the same way for each one.

So, when I hear or read rants of "Why can't our church - be more praisefull - be more quiet and contemplative - include liturgical dance - have long period of silence - ascend to the heavens, then return for lunch - etc, I am reminded of a child sitting under a Christmas tree, crying because his brother received a new pair of roller skates while refusing to even look at his brand new baseball glove.

But, as I said, I see a few things differently from some of y'all.
And some of you, no doubt, are thankful that you dont see things as I do!

 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Nice sum up from ken of the social justice gospel

quote:
Originally posted by ken:

But of course orthodox Christianity leads to political left! We worship, as God, a man who identified with the poor.

Who came to preach good news to the poor, liberty to the captives, sight for the blind, and freedom for the oppressed. Who came to to so that the blind receive their sight and the lame walk, lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear, and the dead are raised up, and the poor have good news preached to them. Who said that it was easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. That the poor will inherit the Kingdom of God. That the Kingdom belongs to those who feed the hungry, give water to the thirsty, clothe the nacked, visit the sick and the prisoners. That the last would be first, and the first last. Who tells us to love our enemies.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Comet has her head screwed on about parenting teens:

Some kids do well in the education system we have set up for them. Some don't. If they don't pass the necessary tests, if they wash out of college- that's not the end of the world. It may even be the beginning. What do you really want for your children? Academic success? Financial success? Working 9-5 and paying a mortgage in the burbs?

I want my kids to have adventures. I want them to collect stories. I want them to have moments that make them exilerated. Some are lit up by education, but others are not.

I guess- don't despair if your child bucks the trends. There is so much more to life than doing it right. if you teach them to value living, to put their face to the gale and laugh- they're going to do okay.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
A certain famous couple gets a response to their plea for newborn aid:

quote:
Originally posted by Anselmina:
Brother Joseph! You just not CLAIMIN' it! You just not CLAIMIN' the wealth that GAHD has set aside for YOU!

That money is OUT THERE!
That cadillac is OUT THERE!
That holiday in the Bahamas is OUT THERE!
GAHD's chil'ren should be livin' like the royalty they IS!
That penthouse suite is YOURS!
That two-storey villa in the nicer neighbourhood of Nazareth is YOURS!
No DONKEYS for God's chil'ren! It's HORSES!
No STABLES for God's chil'ren! It's FAHVE STAR HOTELS!

Mary CAN have that dress she always wanted!
You CAN have that new workshop you always wanted!
You DESERVE it!
So you NAME it and CLAIM it*, brother Joseph! It's GAHD's will!

*Provisional on filling out the attached standing order form for tithing your next five years' income to 'Greed-is-Good Ministries Ltd...'.


 
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by NJA:
... these disciples had experienced many signs and wonders... prophecies, healings, joy, provision, angels, voices from heaven etc, etc yet none of these were seen as signifying the receiving of the Spirit, tobgtues was.

glossographia - gotta love it [Smile]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
On the RSS feeds thread, Wesley J nearly had me heading for the main SoF homepage, as I thought he was referring to a real article someone had written for the main magazine!

God surprises us says Pope on BBC

Pope surprises us says God on Ship of Fools


It would certainly be a good headline if somebody did...
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Lamb Chopped in the 'Is it right to expect [etc]" thread in Purg:

Man does not live by logic alone.
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Meg the Red:
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
On the whole, I'd say God has the tendency to speak to me through the boot to the butt as to any voice.

Yuppers - my tuchis is likewise covered with holy tread-marks; I must spend a lot of time covering my spiritual ears and la-la-la-ing 'cause usually I only achieve enlightment through percussive maintenance.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Eliab, on the Perpetual Virginity of Mary thread currently in Purg:

The good works that human being do for God, or because of God, or which God does through them, really do matter. They are eternally important. Salvation is not an emergency exit from a spoiled creation, it is the permanent redemption, healing and sanctification of that creation in which we participate.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Schroedinger's Cat, location does not matter because it is so universally applicable:

I wish you would speak your mind. From what I have seen, you would then not post at all.
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
A brilliant takedown by dyfrig in Hell.

quote:
Originally posted by dyfrig:
I recognise these as words; they are even arranged in something like a sentence. Beyond that, all I am left with is the same sensation as one gets when hearing Jeremy Clarkson speak - that the sum total of human understanding has diminished over the last few seconds.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Dorothea's observation in the Styx:

'there's something about this place which (sic) 'reaches the parts that other websites cannot reach!'
 
Posted by Chelley (# 11322) on :
 
quote:
Evensong on the 'why do you lurk?' thread:

We are all different.

quote:
glockenspiel's reply: I'm not.


Someone been watching Life of Brian? [Big Grin]

[ 09. January 2011, 18:00: Message edited by: Chelley ]
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
birdie, on the parenting thread:

quote:
I know you know the following, but sometimes you need to hear it, okay?

This is bollocks.


 
Posted by sharkshooter (# 1589) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
Hosting

Zappa: stop it immediately.

hosting ends

I guess an admin suspending himself might top it, but, I chuckled at this one.
 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
birdie, on the parenting thread:


I am alarmed at quite how thrilled I am to be included on this thread!

Anyway, what I came for was to post this, from Kaplan Corday on 'christian chick-lit':

One major problem I have with these books is that each of them has on the cover a picture of a woman who looks so pure, wholesome, ethereal, godly, serene and spiritually victorious that I am filled with a furious desire to kick her really hard.

I know *exactly* the ones he means...
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
Besides, my bosom is too beautiful to mar the view with hateful words.

You go, grrl.
 
Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
Lyda*Rose commenting on "born again" language in Purgatory:
quote:
If we are reborn, I think many of us are still waving our fat little hands around and gurgling at the pretty shiny things hanging over the crib.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Firenze on the Inquire Within Question Thread:

If I catch any of you furgling a bogie, I'll mung your greebles quicker than you can say
'Gorsafawddachaidraigddanheddogleddollônpenrhynareur-draethceredigion'

Right, next question.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Adeodatus in Hell:
quote:
I've always thought the US government views Britain the way you view that cute, fluffy, but rather too yappy small dog that embarrasses you by trying to jump up and lick your nuts when you take it out for a walk.
that image just made my day! [Killing me]
 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Comet, on the "Neuralgic?" thread in Hell, with the context of using medical terminology in non-medical ways:

quote:
meanwhile, I need to go finishing my encephalitic vacuuming before my perpendicular meeting at the astronomical cafe in a few rabbinical hours.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Lamb Chopped, in Hell, telling us how to sort out God:

Cry out to him. Cry in front of him. Nag him. Harass him. Ask him to get a move on. Get all your friends to do the same on your behalf. Nothing is more annoying to the devil--or more pleasing to the Lord--than when this kind of horrible situation results in you clinging closer to Him.

I love the imagery of telling God to get a move on....
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Twilight's insight and honesty on the 'Dead Church' thread:

Fineline's church must be doing something right. It seems to have turned out a person of extraordinary patience and understanding.

I'd be like, "Dead church?! Shut up!"

Didn't Jesus promise that whenever believers gathered together the Holy Spirit would join them, however old and stodgy they might be?
I'll mumble a prayer for the poor young thing.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
mousethief extends the spirit of tolerance to all God's children in pizzerias everywhere:
quote:
The idea that some toppings on pizza are "right" and some are "wrong" just makes no sense at all. Like God has a canonical list somewhere of proper pizza toppings -- the Ten Condiments. Oy.
I'm off for my shrimp scampi, bacon, and spinach alfredo pizza.
 
Posted by Wet Kipper (# 1654) on :
 
Comet, in "Ubuntu Hell":
quote:
sometimes I'm so wonderful I make myself mildly ill.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Carys, on the 'archaic but beautiful' thread (KJV), on how modern liturgy can be:

just a pooh trap for heffalumps

Wrestling with the modern Lord's Prayer each week, I know just what she means.
 
Posted by Carys (# 78) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Carys, on the 'archaic but beautiful' thread (KJV), on how modern liturgy can be:

just a pooh trap for heffalumps

Wrestling with the modern Lord's Prayer each week, I know just what she means.

Wow I've made it to the quotes file. Though slightly mangled.

The full quote was:
quote:
Originally posted by Carys:
And the CinW 1984 is just a pooh trap for heffalumps because it's semi-modernised trad language so thee/thou are out and we have spirit not ghost but other bits are straight 1662 BCP.

Carys
 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Firenze on the Inquire Within Question Thread:

If I catch any of you furgling a bogie, I'll mung your greebles quicker than you can say
'Gorsafawddachaidraigddanheddogleddollônpenrhynareur-draethceredigion'

Or "Golf Halt", as that particular railway station has now been renamed [Biased]

(to boldly go)

[ 19. January 2011, 14:53: Message edited by: Chorister ]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Fineline in the Styx:
quote:
I think I had the opposite problem of seeing so many colourful warnings about hell that I built it up in my mind as some terrifying and confusing forbidden place, when in reality it's just where people vent their anger and insult people.
A most promising, relative newby. [Smile]
 
Posted by Dal Segno (# 14673) on :
 
lilBuddha on human-caused extinction, in Purgatory:
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
Where we were supposed to name all the animals but we just killed loads of them instead.

Well, makes naming them a bit easier.

 
Posted by saysay (# 6645) on :
 
Sine Nomine:

quote:
Some things are just convenient and accurate shorthand rather than a diabolical plot.

 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
From the Religionists thread in Hell.

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:

We like, I daresay, to think of our lives as a sort of rational osmosis, in which we encounter and absorb experience, learn from it, know ourselves to be wiser, more knowledgeable, more mature. But it's not. It is more a series of delusions and catastrophes, infatuations, mistakes and wrong turnings punctuated with a lot of two-in-the-morning's How could I have been so stupid?

But you get through, and realise how much was of your own choice (though you may not have realised it at the time). And true enough, other people behaved badly - but what really rankles is that you were so gullible.

So what I am hearing is the not unfamiliar note of humiliating self-knowledge. My advice would be to embrace your inner (as you feel it be) fool, for, believe me, you have no other self.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Wow, that there above was a deep insightful quote.

Here's mine:

quote:
Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
Part of incarnation was pooping. You can go see Jesus' Huggies in Dubrovnik if you'd like.


 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Wow, that there above was a deep insightful quote.

Here's mine:

quote:
Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
Part of incarnation was pooping. You can go see Jesus' Huggies in Dubrovnik if you'd like.


Nah, Mary was green. She used real nappies.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
It doesn't really matter to whom Marvin was referring when he said:

He's a dumbshit one-note fart fairy

as the reference is quote-worthy all on its own!
(So much so that I was sorely tempted to set it to music....)

All together now: he's a dumbshit one-note fart fairy of Company B.
 
Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
Seeker963 in the Modern-Day Sadducees thread:

quote:
I am a Pharisee. I am a Sadducee. I am a feminist, man-hating whore. I am a walrus. Whatever. Believe it or not, my faith was not designed to pull the rug out from under you. It's simply me trying to be a disciple of Christ.



 
Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 
This gem from FooloftheShip in Eccles:

Angels and ministers of grace save us from the mechanism of beelzebub that is the data projector.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Gamaliel:

quote:
Sure, you nail your colours to the mast, and that's no bad thing, but that's very different to hoisting the Jolly Roger which I feel you've done on this occasion.


Just [Killing me]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Wood on the 'Martin PC not' thread in Hell:

He's like James Joyce purchased from Aldi.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I also like this one from LutheranChik (in praise of clergy spouses everywhere who keep the feet of their more heavenly-minded halves firmly on the ground):

our pastor tends to preach "until he's done," or at least until his spouse starts pointing at her watch and frowning
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Know your audience.

quote:
Originally posted by Think²:
In future, consider reading before posting - you may have noticed the OPer has disappeared and therefore you are casting your pearls before swine. Bored, angry, swine.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Survival dictates that modesty be damned in the Knockout Quiz:

quote:
Originally posted by Hart:
A gentleman never votes for himself. Therefore:

1. Hart...



 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
Plants grow, change, and mature, and they somehow manage to do it while rooted in one spot.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
ken shows solidarity with Martin PC Not:
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
I am Marticus!


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Did the disciples make it all up? How might that have looked? St. Stephen the Stoned tells us most delightfully:

Scene: the squalid backroom of one of the disciples. Time: 2 days after the crucifixion. Jesus has been taken down from the cross and entombed. The disciples realise that their Lord is really dead.

Peter: What are we going to do now? This wasn't meant to happen. He was supposed to be rescued at the last minute.

Andrew: Yeah. God was supposed to send an army of angels to bring him down from that thing so we could give the Romans a bloody good smiting.

Others: Shhh! They're probably listening right now!

John: Alleluia!

Others: Eh?

John: Alleluia! He is risen!

Peter: What? What the knowing Sheol are you doing? Are you mad?

John: He is risen! I have seen Him!

Peter: Oh I see! (gestures to the others.) Alleluia! He is risen!

Andrew: Good one! Might work. Come on! Let's tough it out! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Mary Magdelen: I saw Him in the garden! I touched Him!

Peter: You would!

MM: No really, I did, I touched Him. Just there. Like that.

Andrew: Hang on! Waitabitwaitabitwaitabit! That's too glib. In 2000 years' time, who's going to believe it? We've got to add some inconsistencies. Come on guys, get creative!

MM: I saw Him in the garden... but I didn't recognise Him – I thought he was the gardener.

Clopas: Dad and me, we were on our way to...er...

Simeon: ...Emmaus...

Clopas: ...Emmaus, yeah, and we met this guy, right, and...

Simeon: ...and he talked to us all the way, but we didn't recognise..

Clopas: ...until he...

Simeon and Clopas (together) broke some bread!

Clopas: ...and then we knew...

Andrew: I gave him some fish...

Peter: ...and a honeycomb.

Andrew: What? Yeah, and a honeycomb. And he ate it all up.

Thomas: Just a minute – I'm trying to think...

John: Alleluia! He is risen!

All: He is risen indeed!

Peter: Right you lot! Out into the streets and spread the word! And don't forget the inconsistencies!

Exeunt omnes.

Thomas (off): Wait for me! Wait for me! What happened to the fish?
 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
Rather surprised this isn't here already, TBH:

quote:
orginally posted by IngoB:
I'm not being flippant either. We all are lurching toward salvation like a bunch of zombies, propelled by who knows what... The Holy Spirit it may well be, but I think the truth for many of us is that we neither feel particularly holy nor act so - and yet somehow we put one decaying foot in front of the other. What we claim as motivation is often a skin-deep mixture of self-images and learned religious or secular ideals. Bullshit we mumble to explain to ourselves the very weird fact that we are still going that way.

What is however true - for me, sometimes - is me kneeling in front of an icon of the BVM and praying, feeling the fear being sucked out of my lungs. What is true is my life changing suddenly and coherently, speaking very insistently to me about certain things without a single sound. What is true is having looked inside, silently, deeply, and finding something that was not empty (sorry, Siddhartha) and not material (sorry, Dawkins) - nothing special though, just me. God, I fear, is far to near.

To get back to the OP: All this ranting is really like holding your nose at all those zombies lurching past. You know what? We already knew that we stink. Really. But some of us have been bitten in the ass by true religion, the mark of Abel. When you are bitten too, we'll see your rotten flesh moving our way, some way. Brother.


 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Over here , Adeodatus recommends, however in passing, an excellent philosophical exercise:
quote:
St Paul asserts that the post-resurrection body is a "spiritual body". I guess modern folk, having been brought up on the mindset of Cartesian duality, imagine that means the resurrection body is all foofy and ghosty and not quite there. But if you ignore Descartes (which I try to do at least four times a day), there's no reason to suppose that a spiritual body is necessarily an un-physical one.
(emphasis mine)

[ 02. February 2011, 03:00: Message edited by: churchgeek ]
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
To quote a quoter:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Yeah. If I flush my wedding ring down a toilet, I'm sure as hell acting out a metaphore.

Just made me laugh.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Spiffy, in Hell:

quote:
Swear to Jesus, it's like all the kids today think it's cool to be strutting around wearing their asshats like they were crowns of glory.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From LutheranChik (and if you know Lutherans, it's all the funnier):

quote:
Hurricanes, blizzards and now two Lutherans posting here about their numinous experiences, it must be the Apocalypse!


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Hole in one from Wood:

quote:
Originally posted by Wood:
quote:
Originally posted by Chelley:
It seems to me that it's about trying to live out both 'loving God with heart, soul, mind and strength' and 'loving your neighbour as yourself' when some are most focused on the first to the detriment of the second and the other on the second to the detriment of the first.

You mean they're different?
[ [Big Grin] Lamb Chopped]

[ 06. February 2011, 02:36: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
This is from saysay in AS:

quote:
I have this sinking feeling that G-d wants me to do something but I'm very unclear as to what. I'd kind-of like to tell G-d to just go away and leave me alone, but that generally just makes him bug me more. Annoying deity, that one.

 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Spiffy in Hell:
quote:
No, this acquaintance's stupid is all-natural, free range, 100% organic, no drugs or additional hormones added.
(Ha! Kelly, beat you this time!)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
OK, you know how you hear a speech in a movie and you think "Oh, they totally shot that one for the Oscar reel." This next so screamed "Quotesfile me!" I was almost ashamed of myself for taking the bait. Almost.
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:


Part of my amusement ... has always been the assumption that he's posting whilst simultaneously sporting some rather fabulous head injury. Like, say, a scythe point protruding awkwardly from his left frontal lobe whilst the handle kinks over his right shoulder to lay along his (according to my vision) horrifically hunched back. The doctors all too baffled and frankly enthralled to try removing the thing, leaving the poor bastard with an improbable juxtaposition of gibberish and neuronic misfirings that happen to be in a lobe that generates a sense of certainty.


 
Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
From Martin PC Not:

quote:

I see NO theological necessity for Adam to be real or for the Flood to have happened as my alienation is mine. I couldn't care less how it happened, only that it is resolved in Christ Jesus, God becoming human.

However I do bow the knee to Eden, Adam and Eve and The Serpent being real. Just as Satan is now. It would be nothing for the Holy Spirit to preserve that truth through thousands of years of lost records.

Not that it matters. It does matter that any Christian says that it DOES one way or the other. The wooden and atheist materialist extremes that meet each other in being closed.


 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
From up in the Styx. I must admit, I'm finding this hilarious mostly because I'm wading through a couple books on Talmud right now while reading through Matthew 5 in Lectionary Bible Study.

quote:
Originally posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege:
It strikes me that this thread is a really good example of how some people are driven (either by wiring or inclination) to nail down every point and possibility and the result is, for example, the Talmud and the Mishnah because the Ten Commandments weren't enough and the 613 specified laws aren't enough because you really need to know exactly where the line is, either so you don't cross it or so you can do pirouettes on the line while blowing razzberries at The Authority Figure.


 
Posted by Dal Segno (# 14673) on :
 
IngoB explains how the different branches of the church need to solve their differences (on the thread "A Radical Redefinition of Biblical Authority")
quote:
And that's the point where the Holy Spirit has to step into the game, or possibly a shotgun...


[ 10. February 2011, 08:53: Message edited by: Dal Segno ]
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
yellowroom in Purg:
quote:
...I wish you'd stop quoting me to make your point, it's making me want to disagree with myself.

 
Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
PaulTH in the "Non-dualism" thread:

quote:
I believe that God can, and will love the hell out of us,

 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Duchess extolling the ship:

quote:
And nowadays, I don't post so much. But it is rock steady. And kind of like the bar in Cheers, I have a stool with a dent in it, I pushed Norm off it.

 
Posted by Rev per Minute (# 69) on :
 
Great one from Earwig, on the 'Too Much Cake' thread:

quote:
'Cos, you know, the devil loves to attack people who serve coffee and cake.
Now we know what that fork is for!
 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
Two corkers from the Losing God thread (Purgatory edition):

quote:
Originally posted by Fineline:
I find it's only when Christians can admit that they don't have all the right answers and that do make mistakes that I can see through them to God, if that makes sense. When they claim to represent God so completely then they completely obscure God - they get in the way.

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:

I myself firmly believe that the awkward, tense feeling when you want to say something but just can't come up with the right stuff is the Holy Spirit slapping her beloved hand over your mouth before you say something really stupid.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Isaac David:
Postmodernism is probably just an intellectually respectable label for adolescent apathy experienced by adults....


 
Posted by Niminypiminy (# 15489) on :
 
From Ken in 'Denunciation from the pulpit' in Purgatory:
quote:
Bring on the day when the last jargon-sodden therapist is strangled with the pickled guts of the last "non-directive counsellor" and all of them buried under a pyre of rotting pages from self-help books amd tabloid newspapers and women's magazines full of crap popular psychology and pseudo-scientific healthcare lies.


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Birdseye in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Birdseye:
quote:
Yeah, go Google "Generational Curse Deliverance". Basically, it says all our problems are because our ancestors were Very Naughty and if we break these generational curses, we'll be filthy rich and successful
Ah, right I SEE:
"Fed up of carrying your cross?"
[Disappointed]
"Still washing your robes in the Blood of the Lamb?"
[Eek!]
"Tough on the stains of sin, tough on the causes of stains of sin: New Persil Automatic Prayer... who needs Atonement when you can realise your own Eschaton!"


 
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Eutychus in Adam & the non-humans thesis thread

quote:
How can Adam possibly be taken as a representative of a contemporaneous group to which, as a "real" rather than "pre" human, he does not belong? (Or, to put it the other way round, why not make him federal head of the chimpanzees, rabbits, and so on, as well?).
[Smile]
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jengie Jon:
The problem with atheism is they don't have any god, so they can't be expected to walk humbly with theirs.

[Cool]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Graven Image, in the Styx:

Sometimes I feel like a left footed spiritual soul in a right footed religious world, then I get on the ship and I find I am not alone.

I expect there are many of us who would agree with this statement, but will have been unable to express it so clearly.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Take THAT, Gnostics!

quote:
Originally posted by Hart:
Finally, a song celebrating the whole of the Incarnation:

So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your godhead got a butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Jesus got back!


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Darn you Kelly, I just came here to post that!
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
NT face with an OT booty...
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
God, I love this place.
 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
Tattoo hilarity:

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
I was amused/surprised to see (in the gym shower) that one of my former clergy colleagues has a little imp/devil on (I think his left) buttock.

But of course. Left Behind.

 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
A response to an inflammatory post asking why 'gays' need to come out:

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
They come out because they are saying to attitudes like yours, "Talk to the hand!"


 
Posted by Pooks (# 11425) on :
 
Rook:

Giving a shit just ain't that permanent.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Starbug:
I love children, but I can't eat a whole one.

This is something Mark Twain would say.
 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
It is not original, someone with a better memory than mine will come along with the precise British comedy show where it comes from.

Jengie
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I think it may have been W C Fields.
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Why IngoB, the cleverest man ever to swab a deck ? Because he doesn't have the time
Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard


You'll find the quote here

[Killing me]

[eta: I "think" I get this.]

[ 05. March 2011, 18:18: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
I think it may have been W C Fields.

That sounds right. Anyway, great line.
 
Posted by joan knox (# 16100) on :
 
Masterful wordplay from Rook, over in the Styx
quote:
Is it foolish to dream that any combination of words posted nominally as "guidelines", despite the horribly corrosive effects of reality, would possibly get you to shut the fuck up about this trivial shit already? Are there extremist zealots holding your children hostage until there is no possibility of any fucktard anywhere misconstruing the function of Dead Horses? Violent zealots who are fundamentally abhorrent to the idea of asking simple questions, and, after getting the answer, answering, "Oh, OK."?

Righteous zealots who, at some point in the past, had their leader horribly disfigured by a toothpick that came in a box tragically lacking instructions.

in this thread
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
The foods I want in the next world are the ones most likely to cause me to leave this one.


 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Aethelstan in the Foods in Heaven thread:
quote:
... sprouts and beans will still make you fart, but it will be an act of joyful praise.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Snags on the recently resurrected Learning Music- Are they serious? thread:
quote:
It's a trite little aphorism, but it's stuck with me since I heard it (just can't remember who said it), that the difference between an amateur and a professional musician is that the amateur practices something until they can play it right, whereas the professional practices until they can't play it wrong.

Me, I barely make amateur - I tend to practice until I'll probably just about get away with it in the mix.


 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
This is currently Louise's signature - worth recording here before it changes.

quote:
A banker, a Daily Mail reader and an immigrant sit at a table with twelve biscuits. The banker takes eleven. He then leans forward, points at the immigrant and whispers to the Mail-reader "I'd keep your eye on him; he's after your biscuit."


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Lyda Rose strives to believe the best:

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
...But it still re-enforces my opinion that Cyril of Alexandria was no saint, merely a self-righteous, power-hungry man of his times. As Paul said to the Corinthians "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing." I've seen nothing of love in any of his noted actions. Maybe he was nice to his dog.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
the Fuckme Almighty Creator God of Infinite Power and Psychotic Caprice

Yorick's name for God.
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by birdie:
This is currently Louise's signature - worth recording here before it changes.

quote:
A banker, a Daily Mail reader and an immigrant sit at a table with twelve biscuits. The banker takes eleven. He then leans forward, points at the immigrant and whispers to the Mail-reader "I'd keep your eye on him; he's after your biscuit."


That's been making the rounds this side of the Pond, as a CEO, a Tea-Partier, and a unionized public worker/civil servant (since the fiasco in Wisconsin). Oh, and over here, it's "cookies," which is what we call what you call "biscuits".
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
As a terrified teenager I was so far in the closet the only person I could reasonably expect to date was Mr Tumnus.

It's not funny, but it's very funny.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
It got funnier.
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
quote:
Originally posted by no_prophet:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
As a terrified teenager I was so far in the closet the only person I could reasonably expect to date was Mr Tumnus.

Quotes file.
New thread may be required. Which residents of Narnia were gay? I can certainly see Tumnus. I always wonder about Puddleglum. Notwithstanding the movie, Prince Caspian?
Well I definitely wouldn't be playing with the Beavers.



 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Oh, my God, I am wiping tears out of my eyes.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ok, more soberly, I just thought this was incredibly-- right.

quote:
Originally posted by hatless:
In the post Erin era the Ship needs to be able to make a few mistakes, to moan and protest. It needs to be given a little latitude, and time to regroup. It won't always be pretty.



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
And from no_prophet, just --YEAH!

quote:
If you need to tell people you're number one, then you are not.



 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Kelly beat me to it, but YES.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Fineline, in Purg thread "No, St Paul, you can't be our minister".

quote:
Church people often mistake their prejudices for spiritual truths.

 
Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
From +Chad, in the discussion of times for evening services, after Spike notes that "another factor (in the CofE at least) is to allow plenty of time for the pub afterwards"
quote:
Blessèd are those who thirst after righteousness.

 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Gwai:
Kelly beat me to it

I think Kelly is only beaten to quotes she has no interest in posting.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
? Uh, no there has been plenty of times I have come here to post fantastic things people have already got.

If you consult your memory, sometimes I have posted them anyway. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Spiffy on the thread about being called to preach:

Anyone who uses such a discernment process to push someone for something they're not called to be should be smacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Give me a call in three years if you need a hand rolling up the newspaper.

 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
? Uh, no there has been plenty of times I have come here to post fantastic things people have already got.

I did notice, but as a friend of mine says, it matters not if it is true, as long as it is entertaining.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
it matters not if it is true, as long as it is entertaining.

This explains so much about American religion in the last 50 years.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
On the "Too traditional and too old" thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
I love it when churches are big enough to have both types of service but if there are only 50 old people praying for strength to get through their terminal illness then that seems like a good enough mission to keep it open, to me.

This made me want to stand up and clap.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
A pithy quip spawns a sad observation:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
it matters not if it is true, as long as it is entertaining.

This explains so much about American religion in the last 50 years.

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
On the Prayer thread, Janine offers this observation:
quote:
Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is served buckets of Stress Flakes every day for breakfast.

 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
BessHiggs lamenting having to go to work after describing a lunch she had endured [and enjoyed]:

quote:
I wonder if I can call in fat today?

 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Angel Wrestler on vocations to the Church's ministry in AS:

quote:
Don't do it!!! Don't. Please. Get that thought out of your mind right this instant. If you know what's good for you, you'll do anything but that.

You'll be a sitting duck for antagonists and you'll have to return ugliness with grace when the "cheek" you'd like to turn (or tell them to kiss) is not the one on your face. You'll be pressured from the hierarchy to get more professions of faith while being pressured by the people of the church to bring in more members and get them to become just like them (or only select certain ones to become members, meaning that 80% of your neighborhood won't qualify). You'll never be able to express anything that resembles critical thinking and you'll have to tolerate Aunt Josephine butchering the music every week The hierarchy will try to help you lead your church by saying, "get good musicians in!" ... but you can't hurt Aunt Josephine's feelings because her family has been there 150 years and they'd rather get rid of you than to get rid of her, no matter how bad the music is - and she does it for free and they don't want to pay for the music. Complete strangers will call you asking for money - some monthly (or more). And you'll find yourself without a thing to say when some germophobe suggests that you wear those disposable plastic gloves while serving communion. Be ready to feel the angst of God's distance.

(and if you must, you must. But if you do, know this: those annoying people are the dearest, most grace-filled people you'll ever know and God will show himself to be not only big enough to include you with your high falootin' education, but will be big enough to include Aunt Josephine, the old woman with some vulgar language, and the guy who unquestioningly puts Vicks on his feet because one of those advice e-mails told him to. You'll be shown generosity beyond what you can imagine and you'll have the sacred moments of praying with someone as they slip off into the arms of Jesus. You'll get to cry with people and laugh with them and eat some wonderful food! And you'll get a catch in your throat when you say, "remember that you're dust..." and "the body of Christ, broken for you." And when you baptize someone, you'll have a natural high for the rest of the day. Be prepared to cry at at least a couple funerals and be prepared to experience God at God's closest.)


 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Yorik in Purg

quote:
In terms of validity, your ‘inner eye data gleaned from introspection’ is the same as my thinking I’m Napoleon in a pink leotard at a zumba fitness class on planet Wackytrip in a snowstorm of kaleidoscope-spangled candy floss.
Still laughing at this.
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Martin PC Not & Ship's Biohazard in response to Yorick's tale of woe about his first adolescent fumblings, in the Martin PC Not thread in Hell:
quote:
A lass, poor Yorick
Well, it made me laugh. [Killing me]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
On Chorister's fridge:
quote:
A motivational saying, which I'm rather good at ignoring: 'Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and just eat one of the pieces'.
I think it's one of those koan things, myself. [Paranoid]
 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Lyda--

The advanced koan involves one of those huge, pound-plus bars.

[Cool]
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
it is entirely possible that God made the universe enormous just for some minor concern, say, giving us the opportunity to look at cool stuff with telescopes.

QFT (but not in the good way).
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Mother of all back of the hand compliments from Beeswax Alter:
quote:

I think I actually agree with you, .... I'm sure once you unpack it more that I won't. As it stands now, though, I agree with you.

You are absolutely correct until you finish explaining to me why you are so very wrong.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
RuthW, on a thread in DH:

Pain is not a zero-sum game. There's plenty for everyone.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
What does QFT mean?
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
What does QFT mean?

According to the Urban Dictionary:
quote:
QUOTED FOR TRUTH

Used on internet forums when quoting someone with similar views as yours.


 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
According to the Urban Dictionary:

quote:
2. QFT

Quoted For Truth. Generaly used on internet forum after quoting someone to make sure they cannot go back and change what they've already posted. Sometimes used to express you agree with the opinion. "QFT, brutha." is different from "QFT you fucking bitch!"

Brian wrote: I love cock first thing in the morning.

QFT, you dumb fuck so you can't say later that you didn't say that.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Thank you. My source gave the literal meaning but failed to explain its usage, leaving me in the dark.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
In Ecclesiantics, after one poster related how the consecrated communion wafers accidentally froze in her cold, drafty church:


quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
quote:
Originally posted by Anselmina:
Maybe for cold church aumbreys we should make little holy anoraks for the frozen Body of our Lord?! [Big Grin]


I'm sure the three persons can huddle together for warmth.

 
Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
UrbanDictionary is where lonely nerdish high school students who just got pissed on cheap vodka go to post when they have been barred from Wikipedia and they don't have the balls to post on 4chan.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Both to get the ball rolling again, and because it is genuinely quoteworthy, immortalizing this diversion in the Quotes File:

quote:
Originally posted by ken:
UrbanDictionary is where lonely nerdish high school students who just got pissed on cheap vodka go to post when they have been barred from Wikipedia and they don't have the balls to post on 4chan.


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Are you allowed to post a quote from this thread on this thread?

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Only if it's quote-worthy.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Spiffy, in Ecclesiantics:
quote:

Then again, my God-given vocation is to be a pain in the collective asses of self-righteous nincompoops.

(A high calling indeed.)
 
Posted by Ophicleide16 (# 16344) on :
 
This isn't from a thread but it's relevant as RooK said it to me when I joined-

'Oh you're an organist, no wonder I detected some malignancy'

*laugh*
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Consider yourself honored. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I hate to keep picking on my lovely co-host, but again-- instant giggles:

quote:
Originally posted by The Midge:
quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
Does anyone know what name Christian Arabs use for God?

Moo

I had to read that again. I thought you had answered your own question until I noticed your avatar. [Hot and Hormonal]

 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
(As an aside, it's an interesting exercise to ask people to estimate what percentage of their ancestors died in infancy.)

Yeah, just go ask people! [Razz]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Originally posted by passer, in Hell:

'Very inwardly focussed - trying to generate a meme, but stalled at the "me, me" stage.'

Don't know if it's a passer original, put worth preserving.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Beat me to it, Sioni. It's a great quote and it's a passer original.
 
Posted by Pure Sunshine (# 11904) on :
 
The entire I am the very model of ... thread in Heaven is a thing of wonder, but may I put in one special request for The Great Gumby's work?


I am the very model of a liberal non-realist.
I don't believe in miracles and think that angels don't exist,
And much of the Old Testament's so barking it can be dismissed.
I think that Revelation shows that John was either stoned or pissed.
I don't think strange events - the walls of Jericho, or Balaam's Ass,
Or Joseph's multi-coloured coat - were what the Bible frames them as.
I find more sense in Darwin than in Chapter 1 of Genesis,
And don't believe God made the world more waterlogged than Venice is.

I'm very keen on scholarship and interfaith discussion groups.
I don't like hunting heresy or making people jump through hoops.
In short, I like the Golden Rule and wish we all could coexist -
I am the very model of a liberal non-realist.



Especially lines 7-8.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
piglet in Mad dogs and the Celtic Nations in AS

quote:
I love being an Anglican - it involves such a lot of good food ... [Big Grin]
[spelling!!]

[ 17. April 2011, 15:25: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
On the "Embarrassed by your denomination's founders" thread in Purg, I believe Lamb Chopped speaks for all of us when she says,

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
I can't see being embarrassed by Jesus. Him being embarrassed by me, certainly.


 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
An awesome rejoinder from Qlib (can't imagine seeing a quip like this anywhere 'cept the Ship [Big Grin] )

quote:
Originally posted by QLib:
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
To put it simply, God is weird because He makes no sense- and that's the big grey thing with the trunk, sitting right there and eating peanuts.

And with an E embroidered on its pyjamas.

For El.


 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian, in Hell too:
As Christians we're supposed to treat them how we want to be treated, not the way they treat us.

Thanks Marvin.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
In Ecclesiantics, St Everild gives us this bit of wisdom:
quote:
I realised that people faffing about doesn't necessarily equate to Things Having Been Done...
Applies not only to large liturgical events, but, really, to just about any time something needs to Get Done.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I think I might print that one and send it to several ex-colleagues! I'm sure we have all met the sort who wander around looking busy and achieve absolutely bugger all apart from slowing everybody else down.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Just in case you ever wondered.

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
quote:
Originally posted by St Deird:
Really - do you police every bit of your language for doctrinal clarity?

Yes! Absolutely. It's on my daily to-do list:

Feed the hungry.

Welcome the stranger.

Clothe the naked.

Visit the sick.

Go to the prisoner.

Police every bit of language for doctrinal clarity.


It's what makes a Christian a Christian.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Martin PCNot and Ship's Biohazard:
quote:
I experienced the love of God today in being able to support a homeless person for a few hours and in gathering with a bunch of fellow broken creatures, for a couple of hours this evening, accepting, including them as I am accepted, included. Without judgement. At the point of need. Seeing them revive a little in the gutter when given a nubbin of unconditional welcome. There was nowhere else in a city of a third of a million people where that could have happened. Giving tottering, helpless, terminal alcoholics respect is so worth it. Having dangerous, violent men hold your hand. Awesome.
...

I think I have something in my eye...
[Tear]
 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
La Vie en Rouge, on the glossolalia thread:
quote:
The bit about public speaking in tongues is what convinces me that the structure of 1 Corinthians is a series of quotations from the letter that they sent him followed by his reply (“Now concerning the things about which you wrote…”) So rather than it all being the apostle’s instructions some of it is made up of things that they said to him to which he replies “No you’re completely wrong you berks (in Christian love)”.
I absolutely agree, but wouldn't have put it so well.
 
Posted by Darkwing (# 16207) on :
 
LeRoc on saying no to your kids:

quote:
Once with some time to kill while waiting at an airport, I went into a bookstore and saw a big volume titled How to say 'no' to your children.

I always had fantasies of what would be the content of that book: "Pass your tong along your upper palate behind your on the inside of your teeth. Feel that ridge over there? Very good, that's your alveolar ridge. Now, just leave your tongue there for a while. Feels comfortable, doesn't it? Now, try to breathe out and let your vocal chords vibrate a bit on the air flow. That's it, very nice and relaxed. But here comes the tricky part: try to let some of the air escape through your nose. Very good! You managed to pronounce an 'n'! So maybe you're ready to go on to something more difficult? Open your mouth a bit... etc."


 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
Edward Green:
quote:
I could preach a sermon or two off these and many other experiences and even use them to validate my own inclusive reformed catholic creedal radically paleo-orthodox ancient-future sacramental new monastic post-liberal incarnational spin on things.
From this benchmark of erudition.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ZombieBunny in the "recreational drugs" thread in Purg:
It's not really the government's job to protect people from themselves, but to protect people from each other.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Chorister get a crash course on vintage evangelical urban lore:

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Goodness, I did lead a sheltered little life in my Creamtealand sunday school and church choir. You lot were all being scared to death by stories of demons while I was spending all my time trying to find the Lost Chord.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Can't argue with this.

quote:
Originally posted by Yerevan:
quote:
There is an arrogance, an absolute certainty of rightness within some Christians...
Ditto some atheists, socialists, conservatives, liberals, Muslims, libertarians....A percentage of the human race are just knobheads. Do we need a new hell thread every time that fact is demonstrated?

 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Martin PC Not at his best, on the "Hello? Is This Thing On?" thread in purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard:
NICE!

I struggle to be cognitive. Real. Coherent. Six years ago I arranged the furniture for God the Father and God the Son and told them EVERYTHING that they already knew, that was holding me back.

I've prayed EVERY obscenity. To get EVERYTHING in to the light. I've prayed ALL the stuff that would have my shrink blanch.

All the intrusive thinking. And the reasons for it. ALL the shame. ALL the guilt. The horror. The despair. The affliction.

Now I'm an extreme case and need Yahweh Raph'eka.

I've prayed naked. Not just in the shower.

And I have BASKED in His inclusion of me.

Recently, a month or so ago, I acknowledged, invoked the Son sitting on the end of my bedsit bed to my left and the Father dead ahead of this chair. The Holy Ghost is Gelert, swirl of fire, torrent and blast of water and wind who loops between us, and He's laid His head in my lap.

That moves me to tears now.

Told you I'm extreme.

I've NEVER heard a word. NEVER had a theophany or hallucination of any kind. Apart from once ... or twice from the dark side. And I have a POWERFUL, visualizing imagination.

Suits me.

I'm used to myself by now.

Yet only recently have I been getting used to anxiety - fear, depression - sadness as contingent. World-flesh-devil. I don't know where they begin and end.

An irrelevant, discursive tangent? I think not.

Get REAL. Feelings are REAL. Not necessarily our friends. But VERY real. Express them ALL.

Do the metanarratives.

Pray the Psalms. Pray the newspapers. Put it ALL at the foot of the cross. Pray your nightmares. Dreams. Lusts. Fears. Hopes.

I don't ENOUGH despite all this purple prose.

And I have had wonderful visualizations in bleak and desperate and hopeless times.

The best being my old, grey, tatty, woolly head being ruffled.

This thing is on all right.

And remember, when it's all nasty, depressing, frightening, exhausting, tear jerking chaos to PRAISE for its own sake with NO hope of blessing beyond that freedom.

To appreciate the beauty of a leaden sky if that's all there is.

Blue will come despite it.


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Carex scores a gentle intercontinental grammar gotcha, in the cricket thread in the Styx:

quote:
Originally posted by Carex:
quote:
Originally posted by the giant cheeseburger:
...It is quite large but has a concave surface sloping down from the centre to the edges ...

High in the centre and low on the edges would be considered convex in the Northern Hemisphere, but I guess it might appear concave to those standing on their heads...
(TGC replied, 'Oops'.)
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
I've pulled these three liturgical one-upmanship quotes from the Bread, wine, plus uninvited "guests" thread in Eccles. Like all good jokes, it builds up to a punchline.

quote:
Originally posted by +Chad:
You need a ripidion to keep the bugs away, and someone to waft it, of course. [Big Grin]

quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
Don't you have as staff wielding flabella to deal with this sort of thing? I'm shocked at the lax liturgical standards of some places. [Disappointed]

quote:
Originally posted by The Silent Acolyte:
Hexapterygon. So there.

There's your trifecta.

Oh...and, fan. Let's not forget fan. I guess this is a fourfecta.


 
Posted by AristonAstuanax (# 10894) on :
 
Somehow, I get the impression that, when the dust has settled (nooo!), this thread will positively explode.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Paddy O'Furniture:
quote:
Many years ago I had a dream that I was walking over I-5 in Seattle, WA when Jesus appeared suddenly, overhead. I fell on the ground in terror but He was really quite friendly, picked me up, helped me dust myself off and said, conversationally, "Don't be afraid, you're going to love this!" and then a lot of angels were standing around me and I woke up. It was a very nice dream and I kind of hope that's what the end of the world will be like.
Me, too. And I hope Heaven is like the beautiful park lands in The Great Divorce where someone special shows up to show you the ropes. (Yeah, yeah, I know that wasn't what Lewis meant, but tough tootsies- I'd like it that way. [Razz] )

And a little gator elegance...
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Leroc on the Hello? Is this on? thread:

I know I got a revelation from God when Martin PC's words suddenly started to make sense to me.
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Avila:
quote:
Originally posted by mettabhavana:
In Methodism tea, coffee, juice and biscuits (sadly no gin or wine) are second in sacredness only to the Body and Blood. [Razz]

Second???
One is important enough to happen every week, the other is monthly...


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Really well put.

quote:
Originally posted by BWSmith:
The fact is, God gave us a building of bricks and mortar to serve as His incarnate house. Further, He gave us a 1st-century Palestinian Jew to serve as His incarnate Son. To add insult to injury, He gave us Israel's scriptures (much of which is ancient historiography) and the writings of the apostles to serve as His incarnate Word.

So if you're looking for an unconquerable super-building, God will have to disappoint you with the Temple. If you're looking for an uncrucifiable superhuman deity, God will disappoint you with Jesus. And if you're looking for a perfect book, you'll have to make do with the Bible.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Spiffy lays it out with gusto:
quote:
"Fuck you, I am a Christian!"

 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
mousethief, in Heaven:
quote:
"He who lives by the sneaky little drop shot, dies by the sneaky little drop shot." --Snoopy

 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Apocalypso:
What is it about Hell that attracts the tunnel-visioned, the seen-one-thread-seen-'em-all idiots, and the textese-as-first-language people?

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
It's a one syllable word.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Hey! I got here first!

quote:
Originally posted by Birdseye:
Okay -having spent the day being rather rude about the shortcomings of my own denomination... I would now like to say -by way of fairness and without compromising my grumpy mood...
Hooray for the dear old Church of England, with its loopy clerics, shaky structures, bad-tempered PCCs and decrepit buildings, hooray for its ill-considered attempts at outreach and its watery coffee, its tentative kindness and confident complaints, hooray for its diversity and confusion and open, obviously flawed and authentically tired members (including me). And hallelujah for its incomprehensible survival, its moments of mystical and ancient beauty, its attempts at fairness and justice and bravery, and its genuinely lovely and loving humanity and the cracks all over it where the light shines through... No earthly power COULD or WOULD build a church like this, on anxiety and earnestness, doubt and forgiveness, which might, if it were a human being, look a bit like a rugged and frightened and loving and grumpy fisherman...


 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Rev per Minute:
Really??? You do surprise me!!

/Sarcasm off/

Oi, I said /Sarcasm off/!

Bloody Sarcasm circuit's stuck! Damn!

I needed a good smile today! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Padre Joshua (# 13100) on :
 
From this thread in Eccles:

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
In addition to the actual worship side of things, I find it tremendously reassuring to know that the liturgy used in most churches has been carefully thought out and discussed by people who have spent years studying scripture and the understanding of the church over the centuries, to make sure it is as right as it can be according to present understanding. When churches are tempted to go off the rails, chasing after passions of the moment, and wild excesses of enthusiasm, which often turn out later to be wild goose chases, the liturgy stands there firm and steady, keeping Christians on the right path. Or, when they stray off it, bringing them gently back.


 
Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
<comment interrupted by rapture>

I'll miss you buddy.
 
Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Leaf with a searing put-down in Purg:

quote:
You'll be glad to know that this isn't an -ism, it's an -isy.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
a Lambie culinary disaster:
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
We had an old classmate over for dinner, and I decided to make a peach pie. Everything was lovely--except I mistook the salt for the sugar.

He took one bite, got an indescrible look on his face, and said politely:

quote:
Is this a Vietnamese delicacy?

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
[Hot and Hormonal] [Big Grin]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped over in Purg on the "Selective Literalism" thread:
... which is about as obvious as the nose on my face. (And I'm not showing you that, but if you stick your head out the window, it's probably visible from where you are)


 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
On the possibilities for management of Hell's denizens:
quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
To manage you lot, I'd need a pentagram, a goat and a sharp knife.

After only two other posts, patience exhausted:
quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
Anyone know where I can buy a goat?


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Hart:
... when your teacher's trying to teach you how to tell whether a verb is aorist or imperfect, and you discover the existence of second aorists and curse God and die for picking Greek as a language to write the greatest treasure of our faith in.


 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Birdseye on the Just when I thought I'd seen it all thread in Purg.

quote:
Originally posted by Birdseye:
Okay -having spent the day being rather rude about the shortcomings of my own denomination... I would now like to say -by way of fairness and without compromising my grumpy mood...
Hooray for the dear old Church of England, with its loopy clerics, shaky structures, bad-tempered PCCs and decrepit buildings, hooray for its ill-considered attempts at outreach and its watery coffee, its tentative kindness and confident complaints, hooray for its diversity and confusion and open, obviously flawed and authentically tired members (including me). And hallelujah for its incomprehensible survival, its moments of mystical and ancient beauty, its attempts at fairness and justice and bravery, and its genuinely lovely and loving humanity and the cracks all over it where the light shines through... No earthly power COULD or WOULD build a church like this, on anxiety and earnestness, doubt and forgiveness, which might, if it were a human being, look a bit like a rugged and frightened and loving and grumpy fisherman...


Better that than a Church founded on thirty pieces of silver.


 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
oops. [Hot and Hormonal] Lamb Chopped beat me to it. Sorry.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Janine on the Santa Fe Meet thread but about airport security in USA:

quote:
I hear Texas has rebelled against the Feds -- they won't go whole-hog on the overzealous mess at the airports. People around here are talking about driving to Texas to fly anywhere they have to go, then driving the heck home from Texas when they're done.

I don't blame 'em. If I'm gonna have hands all over me I'm gonna damn well personally hand-pick the person they're attached to.

And I want roses and a nice dinner first.


 
Posted by Gracious rebel (# 3523) on :
 
Louise on Leo (in Hell thread for Mudfrog)
quote:
You're a complete loony and should stop inventing things. I've almost got to the stage where I wonder whether you're an art project by a collective of bored students, because I can't believe that anyone could really be as pompous as your posts indicate, or as much of a hideous caricature of anglo-catholicism gone badly wrong, with a side-order of the self-awareness of a small toadstool.
[Overused]
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
Fame at last.

Lunacy is in the eye of the beholder.

[ 05. June 2011, 17:30: Message edited by: leo ]
 
Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
"Each has his own way of earning fame"
 
Posted by Padre Joshua (# 13100) on :
 
I was digging around in an old thread and found:

quote:
Originally posted by PD:
quote:
Originally posted by Martin L:
quote:
Originally posted by PD:
Left to my own devices I would wear Apron and Gaiters for diocesan meetings and formal dinners, but I don't have the money.
PD

[Killing me] I'm not so sure that is a good idea in your conservative region!


I think you are right about that. However, I have threatened the diocesan secretary that if I ever hear the expression "focus group" or any other piece of pretentious grey suit jargon in a diocesan meeting that I will order the full rig and charge it to the diocese. There are times when the church is so like just another bureaucracy run by incompetants that one needs to reintroduce a little bit of Barchester in order to retain what bit of sanity one has left. At least out here in the long grass we are reasonably immune from senior clergy who think they are CEOs, and CFOs, though we do seem to have a few who seem to have been left behind by UFOs.

PD

Amen, brother. Amen.
 
Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Lunacy is in the eye of the beholder.

Consider yourself beheld.
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Lunacy is in the eye of the beholder.

Consider yourself beheld.
'Consider yourself one of the family
Consider yourself at home
we're sure we're going to get along....'
 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
Ken, why don't you let us know how you really feel?

quote:
Can the last Myers-Briggs witchdoctor be choked to death by being stuffed every book in the world that takes fucking Fowler's fucking stages of fucking faith fucking seriously and all of them burned on a funeral pyre made up of Gardener's Learning Styles?

And all the rest of the fluffy-bunny pseudo-scientific pop-psychology mendacious controlling bollocks that has been infesting the church like a plague for the past too many decades.

And we can get rid of the moronic nonsense about "Generation XYZ" while we're at it.

And if there is anything left of Freudianism we can lose that as well (surely there can't be, is anyone stupid or ignorant enough to take his psychology seriously these days?)

And as for the poncy post-modernists - shoot the in the kneecaps with an AK47 and then see whether they really think the narratives of the modern era are unpersuasive.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Hart is my F#$%ing hero.

quote:
Originally posted by Hart:
quote:
Originally posted by Net Spinster:
quote:
Originally posted by Hart:
Here's the Homer quote. It's book XI, not IX.

And that seems to be what the Stanford Encyclopedia has.
Yes, I emailed Ed Zalta, the Stanford prof who's the general editor for the SEP, yesterday when I found the correction and he changed it about 12 hours ago. Try getting a turn around that quick for a print publication!

 
Posted by AristonAstuanax (# 10894) on :
 
Holy Hell, Hart! You got to talk to Ed N. Zalta? Dude's The Man. His neo-Meinongian system of modeling abstract, uninstantiated possible objects based in a counterintuitive method of second-order predication may be kinda weird . . . but Zalta's The Man.
/Philosopherswooning.
[Overused]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Quoting from the Quotes file how about this from Ariston Astuanax:

quote:

Holy Hell, Hart! You got to talk to Ed N. Zalta? Dude's The Man. His neo-Meinongian system of modeling abstract, uninstantiated possible objects based in a counterintuitive method of second-order predication may be kinda weird . . . but Zalta's The Man.
/Philosopherswooning.
[Overused]


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Whoa, I haven't seen anybody mention Meinong in over 20 years. Parts of my brain I forgot existed are starting to lift their heads and sniff the wind and make little snuffly noises. Shut up, guys. Go back to sleep.
 
Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
Angloid's admonishment in the "Cassocks, stoles, surplices" thread:
quote:
Of course it matters! This is Ecclesiantics.
If Ecclesiantics ever needs a new motto, this could be it.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Somewhere in Bibliological academia, a paradigm shifts---

quote:
Originally posted by Chamois:
Poor old Paul, can't even have a bad day without 2000 years of analysis.



 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Originally posted by Yerevan:
This is a problem for Christians who believe that all non-Christians who die are bound for eternal conscious torment without the possibility of reprieve. The percentage of Christians who actually believe that may not be high. Catholics, Orthodox and liberals don't. A fair proportion of evangelicals don't. You are really addressing con evos, who are as scarce as hens' teeth on the Ship. Maybe another forum?

This has got to be a strong contender for the 'best reply to an OP' prize - Yerevan's response to Justinian's 'Atheist incivility' in Hell.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
BWSmith:
quote:
We live in an exciting age of Biblical consumerism, where one's opinions on Biblical truth are kind of like managing your stock options for your 401-K account:
I think we are in real trouble...
 
Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
From Hamletta in the Cassocks etc. thread in Ecclesiantics:

'If it ain't got men in dresses it ain't church.

The converse is not necessarily true however.
 
Posted by snowgoose (# 4394) on :
 
TubaMirum, in response to Jesse Phillips's comments about prayer being in some ways an analytical process:

quote:

I disagree, at least in part. First of all, prayer is quite often said in desperation: the short version is "Help me!". No analysis - just complete surrender.

Second, prayers very often involve something that has no solution, and that the person praying can't really do anything about. A sick child, or the death of a spouse, for instance. In these cases, prayer is a way to share pain - and to let go of things that threaten to overwhelm the psyche.

Third, even when there are things people can do to solve problems, prayers aren't necessarily about "analysis." They are often very confused and involve the same desperation and/or pain as mentioned previously.

In my view, prayers are just as often a way of letting go of problems - of getting some distance between you and what seems to be overwhelming trouble. They are, in these instances at least, emotional rather than analytical.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I hope she doesn't mind me putting this here, but this (by comet) struck me as the most genuinely expressed prayer I've ever read on the internet:

We found her! she's alive and safe and HOLY CRAP!

HALLELUJAH

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The Fools continue to pick on St. Paul:

quote:
Originally posted by Hedgerow Priest:
He was in Rome; he popped into Gamarelli's, couldn't find any suitable tat, and moved on.


 
Posted by Caty M. (# 11996) on :
 
Ken, commenting on the place of the Athanasian creed in modern liturgy:

quote:
The typical parish church has loads of problems. But I suspect that infiltration by undercover monophysite bishops is not near the top of the list for very many congregations.
However, in just one or two churchyards you may see furtive activity followed by a whispered, "All mitres hidden? Good. Let's synchronise watches. And if anyone gets suspicious, make a run for it through the vestry window..."
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
A bit of fun by Jackanapes: [Big Grin]

quote:

Originally posted by Yorick:
Who does the Born Twice stuff? It's hilarious.

I do. No, hold on a minute, it's someone else who just happens to look like me.
 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
A vivid image from cosmic dance:

quote:
Well tie me to an anthill and smear my ears with jam!

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
flausa states the truth:
quote:
Sadly, it's much easier to put on a bag of Doritos than it is to take it off.

 
Posted by Niminypiminy (# 15489) on :
 
Gamaliel says it for all of us:

quote:
Being a Christian is all about being fully human. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be half-human or three-quarters human. Let's go for the whole thing.

 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
Then, Gamaliel closes down Purgatory entirely:

quote:
All these things are mysteries before which it is wise, ultimately, to remain silent.



 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by birdie:
Then, Gamaliel closes down Purgatory entirely:

quote:
All these things are mysteries before which it is wise, ultimately, to remain silent.



The operative word there is wise. Purgatory shall remain open for a long while then.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Alfred E. Neuman's epitaph:
quote:
Dear Lord, please let your everlasting light shine upon my popped clogs.

 
Posted by Alfred E. Neuman (# 6855) on :
 
My clogs can't pop - I have two stents.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Thanks be to God for Alfred's popless clogs! [Big Grin]

And Josephine has the modern Christian take on gossip:
quote:
Gossip is just something we all do. We even sanctify it and call it "prayer requests."

 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Over in the parallelism thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
The mighty shrieks arose from out of thy courts,
From atop the grassy plains was heard great groaning.

(Wimbledon 15:30)

(Game, set, and match.)
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Mousetheif gets it right in the house of heaven on the PSA thread:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:

Evensong's Liberal Christianity can't really be the real thing, because in her version everyone gets to go to heaven - including the evangelicals ...

That does suck.

But apparently in my father's house there are many rooms that have been prepared.

We can avoid each other.

It is, indeed, a big house. The evangelicals can have the whole right wing.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
On the one hand, he totally rained on my parade, on the other, I laughed really hard:

quote:
Originally posted by Nigel M:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
(more tub-thumping) Isn't divination trying to access knowledge before it naturally comes to you? [Big Grin]

I think that's called Wikipedia.

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Leaf, in Ecclesiantics, on the tendency of some Lectors to tack their own little introductions onto the lectionary passages:

quote:
After announcing that "this is the Gospel of the Lord", and having it acclaimed as such, one should not then proceed with "a bunch of crap I made up."


[ 08. July 2011, 17:02: Message edited by: Mamacita ]
 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Louise here in Hell responding to Marvin the Martian's assertion that the current News of the World scandal was all about "sucking up to fashionable leftie types"
quote:
When you've got to the point where the Daily Telegraph's chief political commentator writing in The Spectator must be 'sucking up to fashionable leftie types', then it's time for a rest in the Bide-a-Wee Yurt for Confused Right-Wing Mongolian Gentlefolk. I think you're just a wee bit 'out-there' to the right, Genghis.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Taliesin:
Please answer with clear and unabiguous advice, so I can at least blame someone else for once when it all continues to go wrong.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
AS mousethief grouses about Dead Horse complaints, Edward Green has a lightbulb moment:

quote:
Originally posted by Edward Green:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
We seem to have this discussion every 3 months. Maybe we should put a permanent thread at the top of Styx. Or people should read the board descriptions before threading their panties onto a spinning wheel.

(de-lurks) Perhaps it should be moved to Dead Horses? (re-lurks)

 
Posted by cheesymarzipan (# 9442) on :
 
Huia on McDonalds:
quote:
Verdict? Food is crap, but the loos are great.
From this thread
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Martin L in Eccles:

quote:
Originally posted by Martin L:
quote:
Originally posted by Divine Outlaw Dwarf:
What was the 1980s like liturgically? I was there. I just don't remember.

Don't you remember the great hairspray-induced incense tragedies? The hair so high that it rivaled the bishop's mitre? Or when we briefly flirted with stonewash as the liturgical color for Advent? Or pants carefully tight-rolled above our sanctuary slippers?

 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Adeodatus in the Clergy Exit Services thread in Eccles:

quote:
Indeed. I think we need three distinct rites: a "Bye bye, we love you very much; let's hug" rite. A "Sod off, and if we ever see you again we'll set the dogs on you" rite. And a "I never liked you lot anyway, I'm off to a parish where people give a damn" rite.

After all, we want to be honest, don't we? [Snigger]


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
@Earwig: I really have to read Eccles more; that was freakin' funny.
 
Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
Firenze in All Saints, responding to a shipmate's helpfully frugal suggestion to "Patronise Poundland":
quote:
You're not a bad little Poundland in your way.
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Marvin the Martian in the Children of Satan thread in Hell

Satan is no liar. That's what makes him so dangerous.

Possibly the greatest temptation attributed to Satan was the very first - in the Garden of Eden. And he did it by telling the truth about the apple.

When Satan tempts Jesus in the wilderness, does anyone doubt that what he says is true? Jesus could have turned the rock into bread if He wished. Jesus would have been saved from falling. It's the truth that's used to tempt Jesus, not lies.

Assuming that something which is true cannot come from Satan is a very dangerous game, because there are an awful lot of things that are both true and sinful.

 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
MrsDoyle in the "God's anathema" thread:

quote:
[...]wait long enough and someone eventually will chuck God's displeasure at you (with the possible exception of God).

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
PD:
quote:
No, still puzzled, {by Gamalial's theological button sorting} but please don't try and explain. I am bishop and theology is usually way over my head.
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Traveller (# 1943) on :
 
Joan obviously doesn't like puppets in worship

quote:
Originally posted by joan knox:
Ah yes, Calvinist puppets: you can have puppets, as long as you don't enjoy them.
I certainly didn't.
Even after gouging my eyes out, crushing the eyeballs under the heel of my muck-encrusted hiking boots [once I found 'em], then puréeing the dessicated remnants in the blender and feeding the bloodied eye-goo to the goldfish, nothing will rid me of the seared imprint etched into my traumatised mind of these evil Presby Puppets of Putrescence. [Projectile]
Ahh, but there, see, I've gone and done that typically British understated repressed thing again. Must try harder....

That image has quite put me off my lunch
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Even Alan Cresswell has fallen under the Lyda*Rose spell on the 'Calling LR to Hell' thread:

I'm not sure it really is worth posting on. I'm not sure why I'm posting on it to be honest.

Perhaps we have all been turned into puppets? [Ultra confused]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
An example of fine Hellish hospitality:
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Once I read Goddess Within and discovered I am represented by that wet noodle, Persephone.

Welcome to Hell. Pomegranate?

 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
Chesterbelloc tells life how it is:
quote:
Originally posted by Chesterbelloc:
The truth is what is, Leo - and before it sets you free it may embarrass the living shit out of you, but.

You can see it here in Styx.

Jengie

[Codefix. -AA, Host]

[ 13. August 2011, 22:22: Message edited by: AristonAstuanax ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Teeheeheeheehee

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Love this hell thread, people grabbing the spotlight one after another. It's sort of like Hell Idol.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
In Eccles, Angloid makes this splendid observation about the church year:

quote:
I always breathe a big sigh of relief when Ordinary Time comes round. Easter is magnificent. So is champagne. But we appreciate it more because of the contrast with vin ordinaire.

 
Posted by Chelley (# 11322) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Hole in one from Wood:

quote:
Originally posted by Wood:
quote:
Originally posted by Chelley:
It seems to me that it's about trying to live out both 'loving God with heart, soul, mind and strength' and 'loving your neighbour as yourself' when some are most focused on the first to the detriment of the second and the other on the second to the detriment of the first.

You mean they're different?
[ [Big Grin] Lamb Chopped]
Late discovery that I fed a line to Wood!
Like standing by the shark pool and holding up a little fish while waiting for Jaws to grab it, hoping the famous shark doesn't take your arm off in the process!
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
newbie dunkduffel shows promise in hell:
quote:
As I pulled away from the traffic lights in Lower Broughton (Salford), I came under ruthless attack from feral children.
terrible. people think they're cute and take them home, but they get big and hard to manage and they're just dropped off in suburbia. once they're allowed to go feral, they pack up. roam the streets. get into your trash. howl at the moon. eat the neighborhood cats. shit in your yard. someone call animal control!

[ 15. August 2011, 21:13: Message edited by: comet ]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chelley:
Like standing by the shark pool and holding up a little fish while waiting for Jaws to grab it, hoping the famous shark doesn't take your arm off in the process!

I read that as waiting for Jews to grab it. more coffee is called for.
 
Posted by Chelley (# 11322) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
quote:
Originally posted by Chelley:
Like standing by the shark pool and holding up a little fish while waiting for Jaws to grab it, hoping the famous shark doesn't take your arm off in the process!

I read that as waiting for Jews to grab it. more coffee is called for.
My fault for picking a fish... if I'd said 'holding up pork' you'd have known it wasn't Jews!
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chelley:
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
quote:
Originally posted by Chelley:
Like standing by the shark pool and holding up a little fish while waiting for Jaws to grab it, hoping the famous shark doesn't take your arm off in the process!

I read that as waiting for Jews to grab it. more coffee is called for.
My fault for picking a fish... if I'd said 'holding up pork' you'd have known it wasn't Jews!
Not good Jews, anyway. Naughty ones.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Curiosity killed got to do something lilBuddha would have liked to do, and lilBuddha apologized for being envious, sort of:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Please do not be offended, but I am obligated to hate you for this.


 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Patdys (in hell) for all who sometimes get too earnest -



quote:
Dear Mousethief. I look forward to the day when you appreciate that others may play with words and ideas for fun.

That in some cultures, gentle jibing can be constructive and a way of saying; I like this community or person. I have a vision that you may start to look at other people and consider that they may have good intentions and are not trying to be nasty or derogatory.

I can see a world in which you, Mousethief, can see puppies and not worry about chewed furniture or mess on your shoe. Don't be a victim of a sick society Mousethief.

Embrace your fluffy bunny.

Hold onto your dreams.

And remember that every pool of yellow snow once started life as a cold beer, a warm fire and a jovial evening.



Boogie <>< embracing fluffy bunnies

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Joan Knox, in heaven, telling us all what makes summer so wonderful:

...wearing a light summer jumper while sitting in front of the lit fireplace, looking outside at the darkness of the sky caused by heavy, threatening clouds emptying their contents on waves of tourists in what would be summer-appropriate clothing anywhere else on this planet.

...hot chocolate in hand, listening as the cats sniff in utter disdain at the very idea of going outside. Somewhere in the distance, the forlorn cry of a lone seagull expressing its dismay at the dismal murk of a summer's day at Edinburgh's sea-side - the sort of summer only Leonard Cohen could love.


AG
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
As a thread devolves into a debate about St. Mary's hymen, Zach84 has a crisis of faith:
quote:
I think any belief in a just universe must be dispelled by the fact that a hell call for Mousethief has somehow turned into a debate about some dame's bajingo.



[ 19. August 2011, 05:13: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped in Hell, about a very vexing person and situation:

quote:
Expletives fail me.


[ 22. August 2011, 15:32: Message edited by: mousethief ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Quite long, but a masterpiece of sarcasm that I felt needed to be archived:

quote:
Originally posted by Apocalypso:
The Big Boondoggle

It’s 2004, and Barry Obama has made a hit speech at the Democratic Convention. “Hmmm. That went well. Maybe I should run for President,” he thinks. But he has a problem: he’s not a native-born US citizen and can’t serve in this office under the US Constitution.

He was actually born in a cab en route to the hospital. As the cab was jointly-owned and operated by a northern Finnish national with a green card and an ex-Swiss guard without papers, both with limited knowledge of English, Obama was technically born on foreign ground.

Fortunately for Obama, both Finn and Switzer have long since passed to their rewards (Hmmm . . . don’t you wonder what really happened to them?) and can’t testify to Obama’s Laplander/Vatican connections, either in Saami or Italian. Or French. Or German. As his mother has also departed this life (Hmmm . . . don’t you wonder what really happened to her?), she cannot testify to the fact that, as she was only 13 at the time, she had no way of conferring her citizenship upon young Barry. Everybody knows that all 13-year-olds are utterly stateless and are capable of conferring nothing but eye-rolls.

Obviously, what Obama needed, at his then-ripe-old age of 43, was a valid birth certificate. His cleverness in avoiding the need for such documentation previously – in enrolling in public school, in getting part-time jobs, in securing a driver’s license, in applying to college, in being awarded financial aid, in registering to vote, in receiving a US passport, in pursuing graduate school, in acquiring a marriage license, in getting admitted to the bar, in being hired to teach Constitutional law, in serving as a senator from Illinois – would not help him now, even though he managed to do all these things without a shred of proof of citizenship of any country whatsoever.

What to do, what to do? To run for President, he was going to have to create some kind of proof of a US birth. And he was going to need help.

Where should the alleged birth have taken place? Either Alaska or Hawaii, as the two states most recently admitted to the Union – that should appeal to the “young” crowd, right? On further investigation, Alaska – known until 1867 as Russian America – had obvious connotation problems. So Hawaii, thousands of miles off shore, expensive to get to, and with a cost-of-living sure to discourage in-the-flesh investigations, was the obvious choice. Besides, Hawaii was far more reliably Democratic in its politics than red-tinged Alaska.

So for the next 4 years, Obama – careful to use trusted intermediaries to protect his identity and conceal his direct involvement – hunts down an expert forger and a highly-successful thief. The operation is going to have three parts: first, the thief will break in to Hawaii’s central records office and secure several blank Hawaii short-form birth certs, smuggling them out to Obama’s associate, who will get them to Obama.

Second, Obama will pass the blanks on to another associate, who will get them to an expert forger. The forger will do the dirty deed, getting them back to the second associate, who will get them back to Obama, who will pass the best one on to Associate # 1, who will get it to the thief.

Third, the thief will cleverly insert this paper short-form into the appropriate slot in the bound books of short-form birth certs (hoping, obviously, that clerks will fail to notice that its number is out-of-sequence), and then cleverly create a microfiche backup somewhere not too far from the appropriate space in its vast cache of microfilmed copies (again, hoping everybody somehow fails to notice that it’s wildly out-of-place in the rolls – a fact which will also render the record virtually impossible to locate and call up, should the need ever arise. But hey: needs must when the devil drives, right?).

Fast-forward to 2008, when “questions” about Obama’s “citizenship” arise. I mean, seriously: can a guy with a name and complexion and father like that be a Real Ammurrik’n?

Presto! The short form gets posted on Obama’s website. Why has it taken until October? The clerks in Hawaii’s records dept., as predicted, cannot, despite arduous months of searching, locate Obama’s record in their microfilm files, and launch a search of their old paper records, all bound into volumes. They find the results of the thief’s and forger’s handiwork, photocopy it, mail it to Obama, and simples: there it is.

Of course it looks photoshopped. The thing was copied on the Hawaii state records department’s photocopier, obtained, as per all state contracts, from the lowest bidder.

Now, of course, Obama has another problem: what’s he going to do about all these people who are privy to various aspects of his plan? It would take a really dumb thief and forger, to say nothing of the “associates” who found them, not to realize they were sitting on Hugely Valuable Information.

What does Obama do now? (And why haven’t any of this crowd come forward? I mean, can you imagine the bazillions to be made off best-seller-turned-screenplay “I Forged Obama’s Birth Certificate?” Hmmm . . . don’t you wonder what really happened to them?) You guessed it: they’ve all been quietly offed, and nobody in the media has even noticed, too busy with debt-ceiling trivia to bother.

Obama now has to find more associates, clever thieves and forgers, and get Hawaii to change its law (because, of course, Presidents can do anything, which accounts for the O’s astounding track record in getting all his legislation passed and all his appointees approved), that’s why it takes so long to post the long-form cert.

Now, of course, there’s another round of mysterious disappearances due, so we can wonder, Hmmm . . . what do you suppose really happened to them?



[ 23. August 2011, 10:47: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
This from Dyfrig made me laugh. I can't wait for Greenbelt:

quote:
Originally posted by Dyfrig:
I will be the one in the Papua New Guinea baseball cap.

I understand this information is only useful to people who know what the PNG flag looks like (so I'm guessing only ken). But I share it in case anyone might want to accost me.

I, of course, will not see you.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Jengie Jon, re the hurricane:

quote:
AS a friend says "It was the sort of weather where only the frail old ladies made it to church".



 
Posted by marsupial. (# 12458) on :
 
Dafyd in Dead Horses:

quote:
The greatest love is to lay down our lives for our friends, indeed, but there is no reason to suppose it commendable for us to ask our friends to lay down their lives for nobody in particular.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
These words from Lamb Chopped, in Heaven, ring so true:

I love the church. Even though I hate it sometimes.
 
Posted by OliviaG (# 9881) on :
 
Originally posted by Ender's Shadow:

... being 'a slave to sin' does have its perks ...

I think I'll get that on a T-shirt. OliviaG
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Adeodatus, on the Earthquake thread in purg:

I have a problem with the concept of God as an incompetent and lazy central heating engineer.

'And on the fifth day, he surveyed the universe while displaying his arse-crack above his saggy jeans, scratched his head and said, "Crikey, guv, you've had some cowboys in here ..."'


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Comet on the state of humanity:

yes, yes. People suck. I keep telling you all this.

The more I learn, the more convinced I am. We may have cars and computers and organic fair-trade dark chocolate covered espresso beans, but we're still just a bunch of fuckmonkeys who deserve to have our collective intestines pulled out through our nostrils and draped over the trees to give the squirrels superhighways. It's all we're good for.



(And some people have the cheek to query why we call ourselves 'miserable sinners' at prayerbook Evensong??!)
 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Yorick -

Martin, what are your thoughts about Luschenn’s Paradox with respect to the decoherence bias of wave functionality in a time irreversible quantum system? As I understand it, the Schrödinger post-measurement state is partially stochastic in collapsing thermodynamic macroscopic ningnongs, but what about the fluoby-dooby wombum blah blah? Is it possible that God is, will be, never was intrinsically, parsimoniously choate?

Amen to that!

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Flausa on her marathon success:

quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
Flausa, you're a HUGE, HUGE STAR!!!


"Not as HUGE as I used to be I think I left another pound of flesh on the pavement yesterday."
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Eutychus on the Willow Creek thread:

Pxy_e, I have to say that when I clicked on this thread seeing your name on it, I never expected to read the content in your posts here. It was like a (bracing) slap in the face.

You willingness to engage in and learn from a church culture which, from what I know of you on here, is about as far removed from yours as can be imagined, is a real challenge and a lesson in humility

Slaps in the face like that are what make the Ship worthwhile.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I loved that, too, but wasn't sure whether to quote Pyx_e of Eutychus.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Normally at this point, I'd expect a dawning realisation that this is a question so dense that it's collapsing under its own gravity, but as it's you, I'll be standing by with the cluebat.


 
Posted by Lucia (# 15201) on :
 
Timothy the Obscure trying to not be obscure but not quite succeeding on the "Whatever happened to usury" thread.

Clear? No, probably not... I'm sure I stuffed something up in there--it's hard to think about this stuff without feeling as you're trying to lay out a bowl of spaghetti in neat parallel lines.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Gamaliel tells it like it is:

I've heard plenty of people around here say that they wouldn't go anywhere near our parish church because people raise their hands in worship and sing contemporary choruses. Yet our vicar is still convinced of its evangelistic appeal.

These same people don't go to the more traditional worship services in town either.

Whatever style of worship was used they wouldn't be that bothered as long as they could attend a carol service once a year.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
You're a really funny guy, Anselm.
[On speculation that "the valley of the shadow" was an actual valley]:
quote:
Originally posted by Anselm:
Oooh - I know this valley!
The entrance to the valley is so narrow that camels have to be unloaded to get in and it was called the Eye of the Needle.

And every now and then a tree from the hills above would fall, blocking the entrance and creating what was known as "a log in the Eye".

Of course historically the valley was owned by Abdul Ben Omar Sin who, legend tells, used to pay his workers with plots of land in the valley. Hence the old saying, "the wages of Sin are death".



[ 09. September 2011, 05:55: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Persephone Hazard (# 4648) on :
 
From Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
A while back I learned something-- an actual fact of science-- that created a big shift in spiritual thought for me.

It's this-- we are the only animal on the planet that can choke to death by mis-swallowing.

Why? Because our entire jaw, tongue, and larynx developed to be capable of speech. We lost physical traits that theoretically are vital for survival-- a pelt, claws, fangs, many survival instincts- and in return we got this wonky throat configuration and opposable thumbs. And a gigantic, highly developed cerebral cortex.

At the time I was working at a very evo-ish afterschool care and was talking to a guy who was leading a series of lectures picking at evolution. I let him say his piece. Then I brought up that fact and asked him what it said to him.
He blinked"Ah! It says that evolution is flawed, unless God designed..."

I shook my head. "To me it says, whether you believe in God or evolution, that communication is worth dying for."

That's the starting point, but I have a lot to work out. In short-- I think your story is important. I think my story is important. I think our stories collide and change each other's. I think that Holy Books relate the process of the collision and reforming of stories. I think life is about figuring yourself out and figuring others out-- and I suspect this is a bootcamp for something that comes after.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Alwyn (# 4380) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
...yet another argument for why the social safety net will need to be shredded...

No, no, no! It is the social safety net. You can raise a huge Great War style citizen army of the poor and unemployed, stick them in cheap khaki uniforms, pay them a pittance, and send them to Asia to shoot or be shot. Its the Modern Way of unemployment insurance.

quote:

Not like the brazen giant of French fame,
With outstretched lamp astride old Bedloe's Island;
Here at our sea-washed recruiting station shall stand
A mighty woman with a gun, whose flame
Is the vengeful lightning, and her name
Mother of Armies. From her shooting hand
Grows War Against Terror; her stern eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that Twin Towers framed.
"Keep, United States, your Business Class!" cries she
With sergeant's lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
To Basic Training on the parade-ground floor!"

(with apologies to Emma Lazarus)


 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
The problem with public nudism is that it's mostly the wrong people who want to practice it. I wish it were illegal for anyone past puberty to go shirtless in public. For every Adonis going around without a shirt there are 10 guys blissfully unaware that their variously unattractive torsos are a blight upon the landscape.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
An entertaining musical interlude in Eccles during a discussion of what is 'bread'.

quote:
Originally posted by Leaf:
quote:
Originally posted by Zach82:
You know, communion bread bakers, God can see you adding sugar, oil, or non-wheat flour to communion bread. Think about it.

Zach

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He know when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good, for goodness sake!


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Even in the depths of Hell, A gem is found:

quote:
Originally posted by PeteC:
I think the shovelling Tortuf was referring to was shovelling shit. That's what you do, very well, Evensnot, superbly.

And that's not a compliment.

quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
Well here's where you're wrong Pete. Shovelling shit can only be a Good Thing seeing as how the person doing it is usually cleaning out some kind of toilet or animal stall for the Well Being and Healthy Preservation of All Good People and Animals.

Or, occasionally, one can shovel shit for three months as I once did in Colombia, South America, when collecting fresh cowpats for the production of a methane gas biodigester. Again, this is only a Good Thing.

So to be told one is a superb shit shoveler can really only be taken as a compliment.

So thanks PeteC. You hide it well, but I know you like me. And I love you too. [Angel]


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Comet on the 'Bend the minister's ear' thread:

No matter how wonderful, serene, god-like, and unflappable we think we are (or we think we have to be) everybody needs to break some crockery sometimes. And while God may be a great listener, He's not very good at sitting over a cuppa and telling you that you're not an emotional basketcase, Mrs. M. really is batshit crazy and Mr. G. really does look like a bulldog who's been run over by a tank.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Concise truth is always a glorious thing.
quote:
Originally posted by Balaam:

Anyway, a poor Doctor Who episode is still better than most things on the TV. (Big Bang Theory excepted.)



[ 18. September 2011, 22:11: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by OhSimone (# 16414) on :
 
LutheranChik invents my new favourite insult:
quote:
moonbats
Amazing.
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
Scona, bless your pea-pickin' little heart! Sometimes I run down the Ship's stairs just to see what's happening, and lo and behold there's a show in Hell!

I see you in my mind's eye, bunny fur all puffed out to make you look big, moral authority just oozing out of your pores. If you take those nice blinders off, you'll see you are pretty much surrounded by large, scary bunny eaters who are being remarkably restrained.

Restraint only lasts so long.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Molopata The Rebel:
quote:
Originally posted by 205:
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
Beaswax Altar OTOH, is just a dick.

Why do you hate dicks?
Well in all fairness, he didn't say he did.
(Rimshot)
 
Posted by Loveheart (# 12249) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Anyone who attacks their minister for languaqe--and such mild language! has way too little work to do. No doubt the command in her Bible read "Go into all the world and pick holes in your fellow Christians, because they'll know you are Christians by your hate."

[Overused] worthy a mention, I thought.

(ETA, from the profanity thread in Hell)

[ 25. September 2011, 08:42: Message edited by: Loveheart ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Lamb Chopped's been on a roll lately. Here she is in Hell, holding forth on disagreeable toilets:

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Shutting the fucking lid will do you no good if there is still a half-inch gap between the lid/seat assembly and the bowl. And even then, the moment you open the lid it'll come boiling up and smack you in the face.

Set the whole thing down to the unfortunate effecs of the Fall, and use your toilet time to muse on theology.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
[Hot and Hormonal] [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by kankucho:
‘Love your enemy’ isn’t a demand: it’s a party invitation.



[ 28. September 2011, 03:51: Message edited by: Spiffy ]
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
Hope kankucho doesn't mind, but I'm pinching that!

[ 28. September 2011, 05:28: Message edited by: Gill H ]
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
On the Margaret Barker and Temple Theology thread in Purg, ken does it again:

quote:
Originally posted by ken:
Caveat: if you know a priest or other minister who is liable to fall for fads - you know the sort of thing, Taize this week, the Liturgy of St James the next, a little touch of Iona on Thursdays, the Toronto Blessing for six months then Alpha courses for a couple of years; Sunday mornigns alternating between BCP Morning Prayer morphed into hymns sandwich and a full-blown Anglo-Catholic High Mass with a choir of eunuchs and a gold-plated altar the size of Mount Sinai; evenings full of alt.1980s prayer stations with video loops of bored Tuareg warriors driving buses through Belfast being projected onto vases full of dead flowers - you know hwo I mean - especially if they come from the caricature Liberal Protestant raisin-cake-eating end if things - well do all you possibly can to keep such a flighty person away from Margaret Barker.


 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
From the Steve Jobs thread in Heaven:

In response to this from IngoB:

quote:
The Great Whatever will now be re-branded as iGod, I'm sure.
Suze replied:

quote:
The great iAM perhaps?
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
To a query about the Ship selling poll results:

quote:
Originally posted by AristonAstuanax:
Spammers? Where! We want 'em dead! The 3¢ we'd make from that wouldn't be worth the moral shame, nor the extra H&A work we'd get having to delete "Enlarge Your Apocrypha" posts.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
quote:
Originally posted by Leaf:
Case in point: Catullus 16, which has "the filthiest first line ever written in Latin - or any other language, for that matter."

One person's "filthiest first line ever written" is another person's recipe for a really hot date.

So I've read.

[Big Grin] Ah, Sine, Sine!
 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
Adeodatus describes a jazz club that only too many of us have known...

quote:
One of those places where the whisky is served straight, not on the rocks. And you're having another, just to forget. And the barman would listen to your story, if only he hadn't heard a dozen others already tonight. And the guy/gal in the corner has been looking at you, but you're thinking, "Not tonight, honey, not tonight. Tonight I just need the whisky and the rain outside and the wet pavements reflecting the streetlight as I walk home alone, and this sweet music that goes straight to my heart."

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
When a shipmate talks about being judged by another Christian, Lamb Chopped comes down on the side of the angels:

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Angel Wrestler, I keep coming back to that verse in Romans 14. You might want to throw it at anyone who starts trying to remake you in their own wished-for image:

quote:
Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of Another? It is before his own Master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand.


Alternately, tell them to fuck off.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
quote:
Originally posted by The Silent Acolyte:
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
quote:
Originally posted by Beeswax Altar:
Atheists gave us Communism.

As soundbites go, that's one of the bite-ier ones.
Sine Nomine, is that bite-y as in "Bite me!"? Or, bite-y as in "that gives me something to chew on"?
I was thinking more along the lines of 'The Fox News Network Award for Gross Oversimplification'.
Not a word to add to that. [Overused]
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Anselmina in Ecclesiantics:

quote:
Originally posted by Anselmina:
quote:
Originally posted by Unjust Stuart:
quote:
What next? An ordained only toilet?
At least one English cathedral used to have one of these.
For the use of clergy arseholes only? [Big Grin]

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
It's probably just my affection for the two guys involved that provokes this, but this was too cute for me not to preserve:

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by Belisarius:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

Liaisons Dangereuses

French girls are easy.

The Scarlet Letter

Puritan girls are easy.

Don Juan

All girls are easy.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
In a thread full of speculation, Jahlove hits on something quite plausible:

quote:
Originally posted by Jahlove:
What will God say to Dolly Parton?

"Sonny and I LOVE the collaborations with Ladysmith Black Mambazo; The Paraclete, however, is a diehard C&W purist. Thou hast occasioned discord and missteps in the perichoretic dance*. We shall decide the penalty in approximately 1000 years. Meanwhile, could you do *Knockin' on Heaven's Door* for us please?"



[ 30. October 2011, 03:31: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Pete C appears to be sufffering from dangerous vegetables, and is showing a magnificent degree of incomprehension.

Following on your Hostly recommendation, I bought an artichoke this morning. It is sitting staring at me balefully.

What the fuck do I do with it?

[Help]

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This was rather well-crafted.

quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
You know, usually I find great joy in reading Shipmate's fascinating thoughts, and even in occasionally, but quite carefully and timidly, adding my voice to the conversation.
But this thread summons up black dogs in great howling packs, with its discussion on butt-wiping aboard British trains where abstinence does not prevent pregnancy and random breeders overpopulate the planet.

The delight to the senses here is somewhat similar to that moment when someone emits a great and sour fart into a crowded room whose atmosphere is already clogged with great stinking clouds of marijuana smoke, yet you have no choice but to sit there and breathe it all in, because you forgot which room you left your clothes in, and most of the bedroom doors are locked from the inside just at the moment anyhow.

I think I will shut down my computer, and go for a long walk outside, even though it is quite cold and raining buckets just at the moment.
Or I could just read one of my Larry McMurtry novels for the same effect.
Texasville ought to do it; it makes me joyfully happy that I have never met any of his novel's characters, while still being annoyed that I ever wasted my time reading about them.


 
Posted by Chelley (# 11322) on :
 
Marvin providing clarity regarding hell in the Styx:

quote:
Better to have one well-defined cesspool than to have the whole place covered in crap.
Sums it up nicely!
 
Posted by Vulpior (# 12744) on :
 
This absolute beauty came from RooK in Hell. His way with insults is inspired:

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Originally posted by Scona:
I have drawn out and exposed some real closed minded bigots.

I dare you to specify whom, and to clarify exactly what they are closed-minded about. You tap-dancing little chickenfuck.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Four posts and already in the quotes file. Is that a record of some sort?


quote:
Originally posted by Orwell:
quote:
Originally posted by Beeswax Altar:
[Roll Eyes]

Brilliant argument. You are surely at the pinnacle of mental prowess. I cannot believe I did not think that way earlier. Thank you so much for enlightening me with your magnificence! [Disappointed]

 
Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Okay, the LC paraphrase of Cranmer's deathless prose; being combin'd with Notes upon the Chaynge of Meaning over the Centuries, Together with an Exposicion of the many Shameless but totally Lawful Wayes Cranmer manipulates God Almighty by Leveraging His Owne Promises agaynst Him:

Almighty and most merciful [note that phrase, please. It is not empty flattery, rather a statement of sure hope!] Father,

We have erred, and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep, [well gee, this is fairly kind, putting down our screw-ups not to deliberate wickedness but to sheepiness. I'm not sure I deserve such leeway much of the time, but let it pass]

We have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts, [durrrrr]

We have offended against thy holy laws,

We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, [ouch. Yes]

And we have done those things which we ought not to have done, [ouch again, but it's also true]

And there is no health [= wholeness, shalom] in us: [modern paraphrase: we haven't got a leg to stand on, and we aren't going to be able to get out of our mess by our own efforts]

But thou, O Lord, have mercy [as you surely will, see the opening of this prayer!]

upon us miserable [ = in a state that calls for pity and compassion, whether we ourselves think so at the moment or not]

offenders [= lawless ones];

Spare thou them [aka "us"], O God, which confess their faults, [meaning us, Lord, in case Cranmer's syntax has gotten too convoluted!]

Restore thou them that are penitent, [that's us again, see, Lord!? right here waiting for your mercy, we're all ready here]

According to thy promises [gotcha there, Lord]

declared unto mankind in Christ Jesu our Lord: [Ha! it's in the bag. Thank God]

And grant, O most merciful Father, for his sake, [just to re-emphasize, it's all about Jesus, Lord, you know the one you promised to forgive us for? We're holding you to it, and we're saying it twice in two lines just to be sure you get it. [Biased] ]

That we may hereafter live a godly, righteous, and sober [ = no longer completely off our heads and out of touch with reality] life,

To the glory of thy holy Name. [which is another thing you've been banging on about in the Bible as important to you, and see, forgiving us will do that! ]

Amen. [signed, sealed, delivered--it's ours. Thanks.]


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Martin L's revision of a bishop's consecration:
quote:
If I were to be given carte blanche in redesigning the rites of episcopal consecration, I would include the following:

The principal celebrant/presiding bishop asks the following question of the candidate:

N, do you consent to being incorporated into the order of bishops?

The candidate, lifting eyes leftward and thereafter rightward, turning clockwise to face west, bolts for the door.

The principal celebrant/presiding bishop chases after the candidate, catching him/her with the crook of the crozier. A procession of incense, cross, and torchbearers leads the celebrant and candidate to the chancel. The cappa poena--a vestment so laden with heavy gems that it is impossible to move--is lain upon the candidate.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
the Gospel according to Patdys:
quote:
Christ however had a different approach. He said, and I am paraphrasing, 'Every single last one of you is a complete and utter fucking tool. You are stupid, self centred and incredibly fucking flawed. But you know what. Me and dad and the spook, we'll love you anyway. And you can participate in that if you want, to the best of your muppet abilities. And we will welcome you into our life.'
Exactly.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Janine, while bending down to tidy the family plots, was liberally doused with holy water by several priests on All Saints Day.
quote:
I now in fact have the least Satanic rear end in Terrebonne Parish.
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Hot damn, Firenze! I want this on a t-shirt.

quote:
Frankly, anyone who thinks a creator of the universe has confided knowledge of desperate importance to humanity to a lot of strange old men in frocks is as deluded as they come.

But try telling them that.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Sadly, this won't fit...

quote:
Originally posted by comet:
ladies and gentlemen! welcome to Hell's own Nerd-down!

it's pocket protectors and slide rules at high noon!

in this corner, it's a fuzzy-faced new-world theologian with the 27-page footnotes, scientific calculator that only prints in aramaic, horn-rimmed glasses held together by duct tape and a chop stick, and head so far up his own ass he blinks his appendix!

in the other corner, it's the humorless twat waving his twenty-eleven leather-bound, mildewed, latin-only-please-and-thank-you tomes with his 40 Arms of Reason while tightening his polka-dot bow tie!

Gentleman, when the abacus strikes 3.14, come out with subtexts a-blazin'!


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Think²:
I don't see how possession of a cunt changes your ability to preach .


 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
[In response to a ranting thread about whether or not being transgendered is a mental illness...]


quote:
Originally posted by comet:
ladies and gentlemen! welcome to Hell's own Nerd-down!

it's pocket protectors and slide rules at high noon!

in this corner, it's a fuzzy-faced new-world theologian with the 27-page footnotes, scientific calculator that only prints in aramaic, horn-rimmed glasses held together by duct tape and a chop stick, and head so far up his own ass he blinks his appendix!

in the other corner, it's the humorless twat waving his twenty-eleven leather-bound, mildewed, latin-only-please-and-thank-you tomes with his 40 Arms of Reason while tightening his polka-dot bow tie!

Gentleman, when the abacus strikes 3.14, come out with subtexts a-blazin'!


 
Posted by Silver Faux (# 8783) on :
 
It's all right guys, Ayah Asher Ayah, Ego Eimi has no ego for Dave. Non Ego Eimi ? There is no perichoresis including us. There is no us, no you, no me. We only ... think we are.

Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard in Purgatory.

ETA: And no, I do not know why he said it, but I kind of like it!

[ 16. November 2011, 23:20: Message edited by: Silver Faux ]
 
Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Firenze on the real reasons for atheists being drawn to Christian Unrest in preference to other religions:

quote:
If I don't frequent Muslim or Buddhist sites, it's not because I think the Prophet Mohammed or Siddhārtha Gautama may have been on to something, but because I haven't found one with a good thread on knitting.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Marvin in Purg, speaking the truth:
(in this case about the economic benefits to funeral directors of people smoking)

quote:
Fear not - the death rate associated with being human will remain at 100% regardless of what we do to change the specific method by which it occurs.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I'm always a sucker for well-crafted self- mockery:

quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
Dumb is preparing to walk to the shops with ones shopping trolley and plastic bag with two pairs of one's better half's work slacks inside to deposit at the shops for drycleaning.

Dumb is walking out the back door via the splendid garden and garage only to stop at the splendid postbox with one's shopping trolley and no drycleaning.

Dumb leaves the shopping trolley by the post box, goes back inside, searches everywhere for slacks to dryclean and can't find them so proceeds to shops for supplies for the evening meal.

Dumb returns and still can't think what happened to the drycleaning and looks again.

Dumb realises a few days later dumb has likely placed the plastic bag of (very expensive slacks) for drycleaning in one's outdoor rubbish bin when one was making one's way to the post box via the garage (wherein said outdoor rubbish bins are kept and where one often places plastic bags of rubbish in).

And the rubbish was emptied by the council the day before.

Dumb is a farkin absentminded retard.

One's better half is now pantless.

Not that I mind but work does.

[Disappointed] [Roll Eyes]


 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Kelly speaking to Ruth in Allsaints:

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Ruth, I would express my feelings of sisterhood at that remark, but since you're introverted and obnoxious you'll probably just tell me to get off your leg.

[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]
 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
... I was so far in the closet the only person I could reasonably expect to date was Mr Tumnus.

It's not funny, but it's very funny.
True.

But, oh, Adeodatus, honey, the folks against bestiality would've been upset, too. At least their legs would've been up in arms...
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Arch Anglo Catholic in Ecclesiantics in response to learning I was to be thurifer and to venbede's comment that it was the charcoal that caused the coughing problem so the solution was to pile on the incense.

quote:
Originally posted by Arch Anglo Catholic:
Best of luck Evensong - the joy of producing huge quantities of smoke for the Lord cannot be overstated!

I must disagree with my learned colleagues however; coughing is not caused by charcoal smoke, rather by protestantism!

Reformed Catholics in the CofE have no problems with it! Oh my sides....

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Traveller (# 1943) on :
 
A wonderful attitude about whether to contribute to a particular Hell thread

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Stepping around the cowpat is perfectly acceptable. No comment need be made when the nature and location of the cowpat is clearly seen.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I knew someone would snap that up.
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
Oh, wonderful comet, which maketh me to laugh my arse off:
quote:
my dog thinks I'm a rock star.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
LutheranChik:
quote:
Oh, the spirit of Christmas vomited on several local lawns a few weeks ago already
[Snigger]
 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
We all know that one day the Final Judgement wil come, when the sheep will be separated from the goats. But many of us sometimes about the details, about how this process will turn out to be in practice. And are we going to be judged on or faith or on our works?

Don't worry, Nigel M has all the answers:

quote:
Nigel M: Actually, we have a massive list of texts that promote care for the needy in both Testaments, so I have no worries about the backing for good works in and out of Christianity. What does leave me slightly unsure is how to approach that day before the King. I mean, which line should I start off in? For example:-

[Joining the sheep line and arriving at head of queue, King looks at me..] “You presumptuous, arrogant, snake. The first shall be last. Join the goats.”

[Joins the goat queue, arrives at head, King looks at me...] “I remember you gave a cup of Dr Pepper to a needy disciple of mine. Join the sheep.”

“On the other hand [half way across the floor], You didn't accept his message, even though you were a good little boy then. Goats.

“But I see [just one step back...] that Matthew didn't address whether the good little boys had to accept my message, rather than just offer takeaways. Better play this safe. Join the sheep.”

[Plonks feet firmly in sheep queue. King muses...] “John, on the other hand...”

[Me, getting a tad frustrated] “Oh for goodness sake, Lord, make up your mind!”

“Not everyone who calls me 'Lord'...”

I can already imagine that scene playing out [Killing me]

[ 24. November 2011, 10:51: Message edited by: LeRoc ]
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Over on "Shipmates Expecting" where everyone is congratulating Jonathon Strange on the arrival of a strangelet (isn't that a sort of quark?)

quote:
Originally posted by Gee D:
When you've had a rest, start putting the trainset together, and work out how to have The Talk with him - the one where you explain lbw.

AG
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Silver Faux on the yappy news thread in Hell:

"Well, good morning, welcome to Breakfast News!"
Giggle giggle, flips hair piece, chuckles.
"Our researchers have found this strange site, called, believe it or not, Ship of Fools."
Giggle giggle, flips hair piece, chuckles.
"They have formats divided into, wait for it, Heaven, Purgatory, Hell, and several others."
Chuckle, chuckle, flips hair piece, giggles.
"Anyhow, there is this really bizarre character there, who uses the pen name 'Yorick,' has an avatar of himself holding a human skull, claims to be a family doctor, and disrupts everything by crapping all over the discussion threads."
Giggle giggle, flips hair piece, chuckles.
Chuckle, chuckle, flips hair piece, giggles.

"Our remote cameras will take you right there, but first, our sponsor's brief words on sanitary napkins:"
Flips to commercial
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Gentlemanly discourse on the above thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
You know, I had always thought Tuggers (your location) was short for Tuggeranong in Canberra. I am sorry. I hadn't realised it was a verb.


 
Posted by Think² (# 1984) on :
 
Loved this:

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
I have learned that real love is learning to give some people to Jesus.

He keeps giving them back.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
That was a priceless piece of Ruthiana. As is this:

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
While this thread is still talking turkey, there are a couple of things that I have to wonder about, concerning the American Thanksgiving holiday.
First off, the last Thursday in November seems awfully close to when Christmas gatherings begin; for example, in a couple of weeks from now, my beloved and I are due to welcome around 40 of our delightful extended family to share our annual Christmas get-together.

It's a result of the Full Employment for Therapists Act. Having two big family-centered holidays about a month apart means that you can visit one side of the family for Thanksgiving and then see your therapist and talk it all out (or if you're here in California, get your aura adjusted) before you head over to the other side of the family for Christmas -- and then see your therapist/aura-adjustment specialist again before you just give up and drink heavily over New Year's.



 
Posted by Pure Sunshine (# 11904) on :
 
Sometimes the erudition - and scatology - on this Ship amazes me. From Lamb Chopped:

quote:
Originally posted by Twangist:

quote:
Originally posted by Quilted:
Do we not have a responsibility to say straight out "That's a lie!"?
Would Christ have said "I hear what you're saying, but I think you'll find you've been somewhat misinformed" or would he have said "That's a load of crap!" (In aramaic, of course.)

How do you pronounce "crap" in Aramaic?
כראף
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Twilight, signing off in style over in Hell:
quote:
Twilight -- Surliest Lady Bountiful that ever stomped the earth.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Who knew you could find a gem on the "Your Cup Runneth Over" thread?

quote:
Originally posted by Eutychus:
I DECLARE GAMALIEL'S PM BOX EMPTY! HALLELUJAH! MORE LORD! WE CAST OUT THOSE STALE PMS IN YOUR NAME! LET THEM DEPART INTO THE ABYSS, FOR THEY ARE LEGION! AMEN!

There, has that worked? Or did I not shout loud enough?


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
From Eliab, from the "F*** Xmas" thread in Hell, snipped to just leave the bit I found amusing:

quote:
Originally posted by Eliab:
...I love the whole thing. Just two nights ago, I cycled to the local shop..., and walked past a worker setting up a big festive display of chocolates. It made me so happy I was singing carols all the way home (and I rarely sing). I was happy just because it made me think about Christmas - I wasn't even inclined to buy more chocolate than I would otherwise have done*....

*Warning - may contain fib.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
Wow! This will be my 63rd Christmas.
Have I ever spent Christmas alone? Nope!
Have I ever attended a Christmas function alone? Nope!
Have I ever skipped a Christmas function because I was alone? Nope!
Gregarious little bugger, ain't I?

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
Yes, but how many times have you resorted to concealed weapons to keep your record intact?


 
Posted by Silver Faux (# 8783) on :
 
A concealed weapon does not really count as a romantic date at a Christmas function, orfeo.
Although I suppose you might be able to get a bang out of it.
 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
Smudgie speaks wisdom to the cream tea thread:

quote:
Watching one's weight is easier when there's more of it

 
Posted by Moo (# 107) on :
 
Posted by Socratic-Enigma on the Slime Nomine thread

Yorick was incensed, infuriated and inflamed - his pique had been poked; his goad had been goaded; his noodle had gone from al dente to Al Dunlap.

Moo
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Boogie declares herself.

quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
Huh? Boogie is not suspect of being a groupie of mine.

Just peep outside the door IngoB - on the edge of the crowd there - that's me!

 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
I think there's a question at least as important as "did it happen?". And that's "Why did Luke (or whoever) think it a good idea to write it down?" It would seem that the writer thought this story was a great one for getting people to become Christians.

I think it was aimed at those who were already Christian, as a way to extort as much of their money out of them as possible. "Give the church everything you possess or God will kill you".
Yes, that about sums it up - and is another rare occasion where we agree.

It's a ridiculous story, maybe a joke like the story of Jonah and the whale.

If God really is the sort who kills people like that, then he can stick his religion and his bible where the sun don't shine.

leo on fire in Kerg. [Overused]
 
Posted by Niteowl2 (# 15841) on :
 
From Lyda*Rose in the Xmas Wars thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Frankly, I'm getting tired of Christian entitlement. I don't care if Anglican Christianity is the Established religion in the UK. I don't care if the US government was established in the majority by Chriatian men; I don't care if Christians get their widdo feelings hurt by not being treated as the centers of the universe. All you people with Not of this World decals on your cars: well, the world talks smack back sometimes. Deal.

We aren't meant as Christians to be privileged. We are meant to serve others and love our neighbors as ourselves. "Let your light so shine..." not "Let your voice so whine..." Think you are being disrespected? Try living somewhere where being a Christian and living a natural lifespan or even getting work is dicey proposition. And if some sunny bastard dares to wish you Happy Holidays, suck it up and turn the other cheek, dweeb. I say this in Christian love.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
A comment on Ship dynamics.

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
I love the way a thread set up to vilify Sine is heading rapidly towards his canonisation.

That man could give Teflon lessons.


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
On the 'Waldorf/Steiner Education' thread in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
I am putting my children through Waldorf and Statler education but that is because they are muppets.


 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Comet on choice.


quote:
Originally posted by comet:
But the truth is, it's a choice you all make, also. Whether it's a conscious choice is another matter, but there IS another world out there that isn't full of all of this stressful, chaotic materialism and time-crunched stress.

I realize that ditching it all and moving to the countryside is a bit extreme of a reaction to the December bombardment from madison avenue (and international alternatives). But I urge all of you to really consider what choices you do have. I hear a lot on the Ship of people who seem to think they don't have choices. I don't know your lives, I can't tell you where you're truly stuck or not. But I do know we have more choices than we often realize.

When I was going through the diagnosis process for MS, one of the medicos told me I needed to simplify my life; reduce my daily stress. I laughed. there was no way. I was totally stuck with all of my stresses just to keep my head above water, just to keep the family fed and housed. I had no place to cut.

then my ex left me and my job essentially left me soon afterwards. Suddenly, I discovered a whole new level of functioning. against my will, I was forced to slough off a lot of extraneous baggage that I was not even aware that I had chosen to carry. But when the shit hits the fan, things change. my $900/month rental was no longer vital to life. hell, for a year there I didn't have much of a home at all. and I survived. we thrived, even.

I'm sorry for being long-winded. This is just something I'm passionate about. we really do make choices to live the life we do. and we accept drawbacks that go with the good stuff. All I'm saying is to make those choices consciously. if the holiday materialism really bugs you, make a real, concerted effort to find ways of avoiding it. you really do have more control over that than you think. so maybe you drink your coffee and read your paper at home until the chaos dies down. maybe you consciously choose not to patronize places that abuse your senses with holiday schlock. if your friend plays the radio when you're in the car, ask them not to. if they won't turn it off, chose not to ride with them in the future.

decide what you will and will not allow into your life, and then work to make that a reality. I'm not saying it's easy, but I am saying it's worth it.


 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
This caused a water-out-the-nose snort!

quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
WYGTMA* you don't just pass the pencil test - you pass the 'can of coke' test!

*When you get to my age.
 
Posted by St. Stephen the Stoned (# 9841) on :
 
Adeodatus on the "Snopes" thread:

quote:
quote: And when Jesus had finished these sayings, lo, many who heard him did consult their iPads*. And them that did, did murmur among themselves saying, Lo, Snopes saith there was no Good Samaritan. This man telleth porkies. And seeing their lack of faith, he left that place, muttering many things that are not recorded in this book.


* Some sources add: 'Other tablet computers are available'.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
We gotta keep this one:

quote:
Originally posted by Leaf:
quote:
Originally posted by Laura:
Footprints is a truly awful piece of writing.

Footprints is improved by this emendation:

The Lord said, "You seemed a bit down,
so I thought we'd hop on one foot for a while."


 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
No longer Kim Jong Il, now he's Kim Jong Dead.

From this year's Death Pool. [Smile]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Piglet describing the perfect (Christmas) holiday:

Until about an hour ago I'd done the square-root of bugger all today
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Gee D:
quote:
Originally posted by Enigma:
quote:
Originally posted by comet:

sucks to be human.

Yes it does for all sorts of reasons - praying for all in every situation. May Our Lord who knowss what it's like and knows that it sucks be with all giving comfort, hope, strength and encouragement through whatever life throws at us. But with thanks to Him for the good times too. [Votive]
Our Lord was incarnate and knows the frailty of human flesh. May he give you the strength to bear this attack and to emerge the stronger for your struggle.
Well said!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I'm gonna call out Adeodatus and " Quotes File Person to Watch for 2012" And as just a very wise, authentic guy:

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
Right here, right now, you know what I would do if I had a time machine? I would go to Calvary. And I would wait for that moment, that instant, when he realised that Sky Daddy wasn't going to come and save him. When he didn't scream "Have you forsaken me?" but "Why have you forsaken me?" When he felt, like a knife in his guts, the knowledge of what God does to his creation every second of every day: he leaves it to sink in the shit.

And that would be good. It would be good to hear God's own Son scream those words. Because for some of us those are the words we scream at God every single day of our miserable fucking lives.


 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Moth:
I think that we are most ourselves at our best, because that is what God intended us to be. The us we really like, the us that others love to be with. In this fallen world, some of us struggle to be that person for more than a few fleeting minutes, and some of us manage things better - or perhaps are just more fortunate.

Really, there are no monsters, only humans in despair and confusion and rage. Who would not choose to be happy and brave and good, if we only could? That we so often appear to choose otherwise shows how broken we are.


 
Posted by PeteC (# 10422) on :
 
Patdys on Jennifer's thread:

quote:
My precious child. During those periods of trials and tribulations, when you see only one set or footprints, it was then I was off hiding the fucking butter knives.
Thanks
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by fletcher christian:
... or being sat on by a carefree cow in a stable while Mary was getting cleaned up and while Joseph was in a corner contemplating making a run for it. But no, thank God it didn't happen that way, but it could have.

Thanks so much for posting that. It's a wonderful vivid image that also perfectly illustrates the point you were making.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
well, it started out with a childish temper tantrum on my part, but the Jennifer thread in hell is bringing out everyone's fucking brilliance. wow. we're a bunch of cool people. Golden Key got me with this:
quote:
If what happens to us in this life doesn't matter, then IMHO we don't matter. We're just God's battered action figures--bent, chipped, left to melt in the back window of the car. Not loved into being Real, as the Velveteen Rabbit was. Not collectable. Not even good enough to repair.

[....]
Give me a God who loves, and cares, and feels, and dives down into the muck and beauty of our world to help us transform it and ourselves. Even if the involvement is of the parent-of-a-toddler type: "C'mon, sweetie, you can do it, oops, YES! Oops. Oh, frack, you broke the lamp. Ok, c'mon, get back up...you can do it".

Give me a God who loves us enough to make sure we all get Home.

I hope and hope and hope, my friend.
 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
This kinda tickled my theological fancy:
quote:
Originally posted by Sparrow:
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
Christopher Hitchens.

gone to the Great Big... oh, wait. [Biased]

I think we can pray for his soul anyway. a very good writer.

"Good evening, Christopher. I think you and I need to have a little talk."

 
Posted by John D. Ward (# 1378) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by QLib:
Shit happens. It happens irrespective of the existence (or otherwise) of whatever god you do or don't believe in.

One of the better solutions to the problem of evil.

[ 30. December 2011, 22:52: Message edited by: John D. Ward ]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Mockingbird, in Ecclesiantics, improves the liturgical calendar:
quote:
I like to refer to the Circumcision/Holy Name informally as "Brissmas".

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Only on the Ship....

"Fucktard" has been the main contribution to my theological discourse. (Zappa)
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Marvin sings what he really feels (instead of the fluffy version):

(to be sung in an upbeat tempo)

God healed me, but He didn't heal you
God healed me, but He didn't heal you
God healed me, but He didn't heal you
'cause He's a capricious cunt

We both prayed, but He didn't heed you
We both prayed, but He didn't heed you
We both prayed, but He didn't heed you
'cause He's a capricious cunt

He could have healed you, He just didn't feel like it
could have healed you, He just didn't feel like it
could have healed you, He just didn't feel like it
'cause He's a capricious cunt

Nothing stopped Him, He just couldn't be arsed
Nothing stopped Him, He just couldn't be arsed
Nothing stopped Him, He just couldn't be arsed
'cause He's a capricious cunt

So let's all pray, but it won't do much good
let's all pray, but it won't do much good
yes we all pray, but it don't do much good
'cause He's a capricious cunt

© Marvin the Martian and Ship of Fools Worship Resources Ltd. Dance actions and unnecessarily-complicated chord structure available on request. Any failure of scansion is entirely in the mind of the reader.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
The Great Gumby:


life's suckier than a Dyson.
 
Posted by Masha (# 10098) on :
 
Cottontail in Dead Horses:

[...] I am getting thoroughly sick and tired of this insistence on the Church being 'counter-cultural'. Why wasn't the Church being counter-cultural back in the 17th and 18th century, when people were hanged for sodomy? Why wasn't it counter-cultural when the Criminal Law Amendment Act 1885 extended the anti-sodomy laws to criminalise any kind of male homosexual behaviour? Why wasn't it counter-cultural when it took Scotland until 1980! to decriminalize homosexuality?

Where was our much-self-lauded counter-cultural agenda when culture was hounding gay people, excluding them from some of the most basic human rights, forcing them to undergo brutal corrective therapies, including chemical castration, and driving them to suicide? Why wasn't the counter-cultural church jumping up and down in fury at this utterly unChristian treatment of our brothers and sisters? And why hasn't the counter-cultural church been a safe haven all along for homosexual people? Because it certainly isn't, not even now.

Sometimes I think the Holy Spirit is doing her best work precisely in our culture because the 'counter-cultural' Church has stopped listening.


Amen sister!
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Discovered and posted by Ondergard on the 'What do we expect from our clergy' thread:

We expect our minister to prach for exactly fifteen minutes, condemning sin but never upsetting anyone.

He or she must work from 8.00am until midnight and be a good caretaker.

He or she must be paid a minimal stipend which stays the same year after year so our assessments do not rise beyond 2001 levels, but must wear good clothes, keeps the study bookshelves up to date, entertain regularly, drive a new car, and give about £4000 per annum to the poor and to the collection plate.

He or she must be 28-30 years old, with approximately 25-30 years of church ministry experience.

He or she must have a burning desire to work with the teenagers who don't come in the youth club we don't have, ad spend all his or her time with senior citizens.

He or she smiles all the time with a straight face because he or she has a sense of humour that keeps him or her seriously dedicated at all times to the Work.

He or she makes daily calls on families in the congregation, on the housebound, and those in hospital, whilst at the same time he or she spends all his or her time evangelising the unchurched and is always in his or her office when needed.


(Adapted from a booklet published in 1990 from the now-defunct Methodist Publishing House).
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Pyx_e:

Here's my latest congnitive burp
 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Qlib, opining about the Almighty on the "JLG" thread in Purg:

We agree S/He's ineffable, as in you can't get any kind of an effin' handle on Him/Her.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I feel that this thread is best used to preserve those fragile moments of connection between shipmates that are so lovely to behold:

quote:
Originally posted by Paddy O'Furniture:
Here's a doozy from my pastor (might soon be my ex-pastor...), talking about masturbation: "My father told me that it was a sin to spill my seed upon the ground so I masturbated and shot my wad onto the ceiling!" This was entirely waaaaaay too much information and he told it to me when he first met me... I guess he figured that since he's Gay and I'm a lesbian, I wouldn't have any problems with him disclosing such... uh... details... but I was appalled and grossed out. I don't think I ever said anything to him at the time because I was so shocked that someone would say something like that... and a pastor, no less.

He always says sh*t like that which is one reason I think he and I will be parting company soon.

quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
Surely he will soon run out of things like that to say, Paddy; I mean, there are only so many places that it could land.
I hope.


 
Posted by Silver Faux (# 8783) on :
 
Actually, Kelly, I am not a shipmate who is lovely to behold; I have a big ugly liver spot right above my belly button.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Overused]
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
Originally posted by Evensong:

quote:Originally posted by Spawn:
This is Spawn aka, Andrew Carey. I've outed myself here over the years on a regular basis and though I'm less engaged here than previously I'm happy to step forward from the shadows again.

And I'm Joe Bloggs. Who the fuck are you?
 
Posted by AristonAstuanax (# 10894) on :
 
From The New Crew's Quiz:

quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
I really fecking hate it when they ask your opinion about bad quizzes! This is an opinion, not a fact, and calls for a value judgement. I should have been seventh. The dumb shit who wrote the question, that piece of excrement, should be banned from writing any more. I could go on...

[Mad] [Mad] [Mad] [Disappointed]

Well, you've seen the answer, now you know what to do!

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Lutheran Chik on why people who don't believe in God aren't going to come to church in droves just because you update the music:

all the smiley-face, cutting-edge worship Kumbaya in the world isn't going to impress them one damn bit
 
Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
TomOfTarsus on the doubts - and the certainties - surrounding heaven:

quote:
Maybe I’ll die and that’s it. I’ll admit that as a purely scientific possibility. But I really doubt it. Heaven beats in my chest and runs through my veins, I can already hear the music, I can almost feel the warm embrace of my Lord, the peeling laughter of His final triumph, when He has made me to be in His image. From this peak I can see the far more glorious peak in the distance. I don’t like the valley I must cross to get there, and I may loose sight of that peak as I descend into the valley’s darkened depths, but I have the Psalmist’s comfort and my Lord’s reassurance.

 
Posted by Hennah (# 9541) on :
 
Pyx_e fairly obliterating the nail re doing worship wrong:

quote:
On a bad day if feels like I am worshipping the worship leader while Jesus skulks behind a pillar
Me too, Pyx_e, me too.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
I disagree with Martin's theology, but I love his writing. could read his existential weirdness all day and never grow bored.

quote:
Originally posted by Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard:
You can rely on me Qlib, to boldy go, splitting infinitives, hijacking language. In God - Love - goodness and greatness are ONE.

I certainly haven't a whit of wisdom to discern where the world, the flesh and the Devil begin and end and I KNOW God is completely pragmatic so I couldn't care less whether Satan's real or not, the myth is meant. As Karl Barth knew, reprobation is a dread possibility. We can fight to sit alienated, autonomous in Hell with the door kicked in from the outside if we want. In theory. To deny that mythic, abstract possibility is to be heterodox. Is to deny freedom. God can't do that.

A bold assertion! I like it. The boldness that is. The assertion is ... vacuous indeed! (Rhetoric, old thing, rhetoric. What we're doing.). We're in Him. And yes He's in us. But a tad more constrained than when He was just in His own meat.

We NEED to know Him. Invoke Him. ALL the time.

In a paraphrase if not parody of Russell, I agree, it's inappropriate to question God's existence. To ask the OP.

He IS.


 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
If I had once been nailed to an upright by a bunch of sheeple, I'd be hiding behind a structural feature myself if I accidentally found myself in their midst.

Tsk, his daddy did a switcheroo and fixed it even better. Which is why I’m trying to get to know the guy but all these faux x-factor wannabes are making me long for a machete. And running amok with machetes makes the baby Jesus cry. So step back jack and let the Evo’s defend the indefensible, they don’t need your tangential nihilistic BS to confuse and/or help them.

Totally love that whole post, well except for the extra apostrophe
 
Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :
 
Hedgehog in Keryg, on memorizing the Bible:

quote:
My problem is that I tend to mix and match memories. Something like:

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and here comes Edward Bear down the stairs, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head behind Christopher Robin. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate...



 
Posted by saysay (# 6645) on :
 
Adeodatus in Purg, on 'What did/do prophets do?'

quote:
Prophets tell the truth. They tell the truth compulsively. They might sometimes try not to, but they just can't help it.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
leo on the changing focus of parts of the Christian church:

the catholic movement in the C of E used to have a passion for social justice yet today's rather posh, effete a/cs seem to be more concerned with what brand of incense best suits the feast of St. John's toenails.

Whether you agree with the sentiment or not, you have to agree it is rather a delightful observation!
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Patdys, sounding like he's speaking from terrifying experience and still taking the meds:

never underestimate a church usher


[Paranoid]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I knew they'd got it all wrong when they told me it was all about whether you were a big-ender or a little-ender. NigelR puts us right:

He's basically a good chap, but for the the fact that he belongs to that heretical brand of the denomination that believes when the seven angels sound their trumpets on the last day, they will sound them in ascending order of the musical scale, instead of the true version we hold that it will be a descending scale.
 
Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
I knew they'd got it all wrong when they told me it was all about whether you were a big-ender or a little-ender. NigelR puts us right:

He's basically a good chap, but for the the fact that he belongs to that heretical brand of the denomination that believes when the seven angels sound their trumpets on the last day, they will sound them in ascending order of the musical scale, instead of the true version we hold that it will be a descending scale.

Minor correction: It is Nigel M (not R). And the whole posting is hilarious--but it probably is a bit much to post here in the Quotes File. But here is the LINK to it. Really, you should read it. You'll thank me.
 
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on :
 
Wot Hedgehog said: that post is so worth reading [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
An off board quote, posted here for its Shippiness, and because I couldn't make it fit as a sig:

A disease-riddled Richard finally loses his patience with quasi-Messiah Jack:

quote:
'Shit on you,' Richard said. 'You don't have to talk to me like that. I'm sick of you being so high and mighty. I know I'm going up the ladder, wherever it is. I probably have a fever of a hundred and five, but I know I'm going up that ladder. I just don't know if I can take it. So to hell with you.' Richard had uttered this entire speech with his eyes shut. He effortfully forced both eyes open again. 'Nuts.'

'I need you,' Jack said.

'Nuts. I'll get up the ladder, you asshole.'

--From The Talisman, by Stephen King and Peter Straub.
 
Posted by South Coast Kevin (# 16130) on :
 
I've not posted in this thread before but I thought Barnabas62's nugget of wisdom from this thread was worth sharing:
quote:
Originally posted by Barnabas62:
Enforced metanoia is a contradiction in terms. "He that complies against his will is of his own opinion still." The folly of manipulation in a nutshell.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Adeodatus (and probably half of the older Anglicans on the ship - the same applies to policeman and politicians):

If Adeodatus is in extremis, let it be known that there are approximately six clergy in the CofE he'd trust to sit the right way round on a toilet, let alone minister to him. The rest can sod off.
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Dafyd discussing Mousethief's post count:

quote:
Originally posted by Dafyd:
quote:
Originally posted by Freddy:
I am still trying to grasp the enormity of the numbers involved here.

You mean enormousness. Unless you're trying to say that posting 50 000 times to the Ship is a moral abomination.
Possibly it is. There may be a frequently missed bit in Leviticus about it, hidden between the shellfish and the buggery.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
On the new babies thread in AS, in response to a query from a soon-to-be-first-time-Uncle, Drifting Star has posted this brilliant advice:

quote:
Speaking as an old-hand aunt and godmother, I would say that the first thing the parents will want is for you to recognise the uniqueness, beauty and intelligence of their offspring, and to always be struck by and admiring of the aforesaid amazing attributes. Ditto about their stamina and parenting skills. Baby sitting would probably go down well too.

Don't forget, though, that as the offspring gets older, your allegiance shifts more directly to the child. Then your job is to give them the things that their parents don't - whoopee cushions, silly putty and the like. You should also have them to stay and allow them to stay up all night playing computer games and watching mildly unsuitable stuff on iplayer, and to live on chocolate, because it won't hurt them for a short time, and it will make you the coolest uncle ever (or aunt - shouldn't make assumptions based on your avatar!)

You will then have earned the right to give them advice when they really need it and their parents, however wonderful, are the last people they will turn to.



 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Penny S in Dead Horses:
quote:
If someone finds that the help fitting (meet) for them happens to be of the same sex, how is this comparable with alchoholism, to be controlled?

Are they supposed to go to HA, and stand up, and say "My name is Adam, and I am a homosexual, and this is my 4532nd day without a loving glance over the breakfast table, a hug when I feel down, someone to share my thoughts with, and laugh with, any touch at all"?

Expletive that.


 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Penny S in the Showing certainty when I doubt? thread:
quote:

"This is a response to the argument that God is so holy that he cannot bear the presence of sin, and so must send those who will not be cleaned by accepting Christ to eternal torment in hell.

I am the sort of Holy who is born as you are born, borne from the lesser kind, from the place some think the gate of hell.
I am the sort of Holy who becomes a baby, demanding and dirty, dependent on your care.
I am the sort of Holy who grows as you grow, eating and drinking, coughing and sneezing, totally human.
I am the sort of Holy who shows that the only Holy place is not in the Temple, where only one priest may go, as heathens think.
I am the sort of Holy who shows you I am with you always, in all that you do, who becomes your Temple.
I am the sort of Holy who tears down the curtain between the Holiest place and you.
I am the sort of Holy who asks you not to think the only Holy place is Heaven, for Heaven is with you now.
I am the sort of Holy who comes out of Heaven’s Holiness, to bring Holiness to you.
I am the sort of Holy who will not be set apart, who call myself “Emmanuel”.
I am the sort of Holy who seeks out the outcasts, the sinners, the despised.
I am the sort of Holy who hunts down the lost, the set apart, to bring them in to Me.
I am the sort of Holy you will meet in the hungry, the sick, the prisoner, the refugee.
I am the sort of Holy you will meet in the givers, the healers, those who care for others, no matter where they come from, what they believe.
I am the sort of Holy who submits to torture, takes your pains upon Himself.
I am the sort of Holy who dies as fallen men die, a death some think damns all who suffer it.
I am the sort of Holy before whom Hell is meaningless and empty.
I am the sort of Holy who shows you at the end that life was worth it, that I cannot be gainsaid.
I am the sort of Holy who knows no boundaries, not death, not Holiness, but Love.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Martin L Gives credit where due, after an Admin snags a spambotic "shipmate":

quote:
Originally posted by Martin L:
...and special credit goes to the hosts and admins for being able to spot an 'odd' post at all in Eccles! [Snigger]


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Musing on the death pool thread, regarding the death of Amy Winehouse:

quote:
Originally posted by Timothy the Obscure:
Yeah, I thought "Damn--73 points, and I dropped her from my list because I thought she got her shit together..." [Hot and Hormonal]

Wrong, wrong, wrong.Also, very funny.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This was such a blatant quotes file bid that I almost decided not to dingnify it with a response. Almost. [Big Grin] :


quote:
Originally posted by QLib:

Men, eh - can't live with them, can't bury them under the patio.



[ 20. February 2012, 18:26: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
And this, from EE at work today:

Sometimes God calls us to fail.

(in reference to Jeremiah)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Creative teaching moments in Sunday School:


quote:
Originally posted by Eliab:

*** Harry Potter references work fine. We had the Good Samaritan reading - "Who were the Samaritans?" "Basically, the Samaritans were Mudbloods."


 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
From the Ash Wednesday thread in Purgatory:

quote:
Originally posted by Josephine:
It's not your job to separate the wheat from the tares, the sheep from the goats. Someone else has that job already. I think you can trust him to do it well when it's time.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Given that this is the Ship, there is every possibility that Hedgehog meant this quite seriously:

quote:
Originally posted by Hedgehog:
quote:
Originally posted by rugasaw:
Meow meow meow meeooow. Mew, meow purr purr meow. Meeeeow meooow meow meow mew. Purr purr purr meow purr. meow mreorw. Meow meow meow mew mew meow.

Pepper (rugasaw's owner)
Emphasis added.

Surely you meant "meow mew mreorw." Otherwise, this makes no sense at all.

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
A little Ash Wednesday humor from Eccles:

quote:
Originally posted by leo:
Last night, we were asked to wipe off each others' ash during the peace as a sign of reconciliation.

quote:
To which Michael Astley responds:
Just be grateful that you didn't misread "ash".


 
Posted by Pooks (# 11425) on :
 
From Hell, no less.

quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
...the key to effective communication is not just being right. Effective communication occurs when others pay attention to your message.


 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Jengie Jon on the Celtic Spirituality thread in Purgatory:

quote:
That is not to say that there isn't something of the original, but it is fragmented and fragile. We, as our ancestors were to, are guilty of joining up just three dots on a scrap of paper and saying it is a highly skilled piece of Celtic Knot-work.

 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Freddy:
quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
I can't decide whether it's your definition of "governing" or "random" that's idiosyncratic.

Probably both. In any case I love the idea that randomness is a form of government.

 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
In the thread, "No! That's not right!" Amanda B. Reckondwythe made me laugh:

quote:
In days gone by, polite society would refer to pregnant ladies with the phrase "She's expecting."

Well, yes, aren't we all? We're expecting people to finish their sentences by including the direct object.


 
Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
In Dead Horses, from the thread "Texas but not Virginia", on a proposed law requiring women to undergo a transvaginal ultrasound before a contemplated abortion. The clarity of Eliab's thought is worth the nastiness of the imagery:
quote:
That's exactly why it's a bad law. There's no possible principled defence for it. No one thinks it's OK to kill someone but only if you first allow an image to be made of them using a camera poked into your genitals. The State of Texas is not going to acquit you of murdering Rick Perry if you plead that you took a picture of him with your cockcam, and satisfied yourself that although he may well have had a physical resemblence to a human being, you were quite sure that he had not been endowed with a soul.
So nasty, so sharp, so funny.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This made me hurt myself laughing, Literally, pain:


quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
quote:
Originally posted by Drifting Star:
quote:
Originally posted by Robert Armin:
Is there any record of anyone taking Nietzsche outside and belting him for talking such arrant nonsense?

Not that I know of, but I wanted to every time my tutor sighed and, with a faraway look on his face, said 'Have you read any Nietzsche?'
"Ah, dear Friedrich. Many's the time he would come into my office in the morning carrying a stuffed leopard. Or perhaps it was an ocelot. 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger!' he'd shout. Then he would usually call me Valerie and bark for a minute or two before wandering off, mumbling about some cove called Zarathustra. Did you know he was very keen on football? 'My idea of paradise,' he used to say, 'is a straight line to goal.' Didn't make much more sense than all the other stuff, now I think of it."

 
Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :
 
If I'd actually been able to get through The Genealogy of Morals that would probably be even funnier.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I just appreciate the effort put into this:

quote:
Originally posted by mark_in_manchester:
Sexual choices and Schroedinger's Cat
might seem to have no kind of link,
But until you try it, for whom do you bat -
are you true blue, or leaning to pink?


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Adeodatus is on fire at the moment - this post in Eccles made me hoot out loud:

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
quote:
Originally posted by Alogon:
How hungry do you have to be before you become a mystic?

Hungry enough so that everybody you look at appears to be a giant doughnut. The line between mystic vision and confectionary-inspired hallucination is a thin one.

 
Posted by Moo (# 107) on :
 
quote:
posted by Eleanor Jane on the Appropriate Dress thread
Of course, management in a church context seems to be pretty similar to trying to have a tea party in a crocodile enclosure...

Moo
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
angelfish on Revelation in purg:

quote:
Originally posted by angelfish:
Actually, the evidence for the existence of God is that He makes Himself known to people through revelation. Nobody starts believing in God because they read about Him. Once God makes Himself known, you can go to the Bible to see how others experienced revelation and read it using your intelligence, knowledge of history, anthropology etc and start to understand things on a level that is somewhat higher than a children's book.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Succinctly put:


quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:

Platitudes are for idiots. Better to shut up than risk a swirly in the nearest restroom when somebody in crisis hears you.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
[Big Grin] Must figure out what I've done with my embroidery supplies, just for you, Kelly.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
While I respect both opinions involved, I really had to archive this rare instance of IngoB being hilariously funny:

quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
Cathedrals are often ‘thin’ places for me. I frequently get a strong sense of atmosphere, of the ‘hum and sizzle’ described in the OP. I am convinced I experience this in the same way that many others do- most of whose experience persuades them of some sort of supernatural cause. I do not ascribe any supernatural phenomenon, however, and recognise my experience as a wholly natural one. It makes perfect sense to me, I still get to enjoy the experience, and I don’t have to subscribe to all the silly stuff.

God: Welcome, Yorick!
Yorick: I have a most interesting experience here. Something about the design of the place seems to trigger my hormonal system.
God: Uhhh. Hi there?
Yorick: Wow, intense. Let's see if it is reproducible. We will leave this cathedral...
God: Hey, wait. I wanted to chat to you. ... What is he doing?
Yorick: ... and go into this one. Do I get similar electrochemical reactions in my cerebral matter?
God: Ah, there you are again. Sorry, did I scare you back there?
Yorick: And there that feeling is again. Fascinating. Why would evolution create in me some sort of awe about cathedrals? It's probably something about caves and the likelihood of encountering bears in them...
God: Excuse me, but you do hear me, don't you? Let's crank up the volume a bit. Hello? Yorick?
Yorick: Hmm. Sniff. I'm even tearing up a bit... perhaps this is invoking old childhood memories. I must have some hidden trauma about getting dragged to church. Better give it a rest for now.
God: Hey, don't go so soon again. Maybe come back Sundays? We put on a show then, you might like it? Sigh. Humans, can't live with them, can't live without them...


 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
It may be bad form to quote the Prayers thread (AS board), but...

Telepath:

quote:
So, please let this be a sign! [1]


[1] A sign that it's Meant To Be that I continue at my current workplace, I mean. Not a sign that I've gone down a rabbit hole of magical thinking and barmy semiotic arousal.

[Snigger]
 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
A hell thread on gay marriage is not a place I expect to find myself laughing out loud, but...

quote:
Originally posted by Chesterbelloc:
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
When does gay sexuality 'in bed' become 'sex'?
Reading in bed - different books, different reading light
One feels tired nods off
a hug
a kiss on the cheeks
a kiss on the lips
ditto with tongues
chewing nipples
licking armpits
mutual masturbation
fellatio
anal penetration with sex toy
anal penetration with penis

Blimey. I can see why Pam Ayres never got that one published.

 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by birdie:
A hell thread on gay marriage is not a place I expect to find myself laughing out loud, but...

quote:
Originally posted by Chesterbelloc:
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
When does gay sexuality 'in bed' become 'sex'?
Reading in bed - different books, different reading light
One feels tired nods off
a hug
a kiss on the cheeks
a kiss on the lips
ditto with tongues
chewing nipples
licking armpits
mutual masturbation
fellatio
anal penetration with sex toy
anal penetration with penis

Blimey. I can see why Pam Ayres never got that one published.

And i have added an update!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
On the train thread, Alaric the Goth teaches us how to tell someone to fuck off in Heaven without getting the Hosts on your ass:


quote:
Originally posted by Alaric the Goth:
quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
This thread should be in a dark corner of Hell.

AtB, Pyx_e

And also with you!

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
"Yeah, I know, that's annoying, almost done."* I have seen kids go from complete flip-out to quiet grumbling just because someone said "Yeah I know, you hate this don't you?"

*( In a liturgically compatible form, of course.)

The officiant saith: O chylde, open thou thy lippes.
Aunswere. No no no no no!

Officiant (with humble repentense):

Indeed, chylde, I have offended against thy wille: I have left undone those thinges whiche I ought to have done, and I have done those thinges which thou thinkest I ought not to have done, and there is no health in me, but thou, O chylde, have mercy upon me a miserable offendour. Spare thou me, O chylde, whiche confesse my faultes.

Thou knowest, O chylde, the terrors of my heart; squinch not up thy teeny weeny eyes against my prayers: but spare us, O little one, O childe most noisy, O crankie and unhappy darling, thou most demanding judge infernall, suffer me not, within this hour, for any pangs of fear, to let thee fall.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
[Snigger] [Two face]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Snatched out from under the swift sword of our goodly host Trudy in Purg this bit of "The Beast Revelation" thread:
quote:
Originally posted by michae1:
There can't be two Schroedinger's Cat's out there?

ken:
quote:
Only until the wavefunction collapses.
It just had to be rescued from almost instant Oblivion.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
'Limbo" is when you just give up and quotes file the whole thread. I sense the thread that spawned this one may be a contender:

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
Another tangent concerning a child rather than a baby ...

When I was in parish ministry, a family wanted their 7-year-old daughter baptised at the same time as their new-born son. No problem. A not uncommon request.

Except that being enthusiastic and newly on-board church folk, mum and dad thought it would be a good idea for the 7-year old to answer for herself at the baptism. I explained the risks, but they seemed to have some lunatic idea that the Holy Spirit would make it all right, or something. (I told them that doesn't happen in the CofE, but....)

Come the day of the baptism. The girl is not in a good mood, because of all the attention her brother's been having. So on this occasion only, the liturgical dialogue went:

Priest: Do you wish to be baptised?
Candidate: No!
Priest: *Sigh* Well your brother's having it done.
Candidate: (Rolls eyes) Oh all right then.

You've got to make that kind of allowance. My tradition doesn't give Communion to babies, but I can imagine the words of administration might be "Open wide, here comes the Jesus aeroplane" rather than "The Body of Christ".


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
On the hell thread "things that piss me off in the 'gay marriage' debate." As you can see, Eliab didn't stop being so bloody brilliant, but upped the ante.

quote:
Originally posted by Eliab:
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
Eliab, stop being so bloody brilliant. You might make me fall in love with you, and that can only end in tears.

[Disappointed]

Orfeo, we can't "fall in love". That's what might happen if one of us were a woman. As two men, we would have to develop a civil emotional attachment.

You are probably right that it would terminate in civil relational distress. And we live too far apart even for some civil osculatory contact in the mean time.

But I appreciate the compliment. [Axe murder]


 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
You need the whole paragraph to get the context, but the last sentence of this, from Ariel...

quote:
Prayer is essentially communication. It doesn’t always feel like it, but it is basically a two-way process. In its broadest sense, we speak, and we listen. It provides a space to open yourself up to the possibility of an encounter with the numinous. (This is the difficult bit, because there isn't always a clearly recognizable answer. The other difficult bit is when there is.)

Ain't that the truth.

[ 23. March 2012, 15:23: Message edited by: birdie ]
 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
From the "Shot for being suspiciously black" thread in Purg:


quote:
Originally posted by OliviaG:
These folks don't need Neighbourhood Watch, they need to be a neighbourhood.

Don't we all...
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Solid.


quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
The best thing I ever heard on the subject of prayer was "I hope God is listening when I talk to my imaginary friend called God." As far as I'm concerned that pretty much covers it. And very briefly too. Always a plus. Especially around here.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Lovely instance of double humour on the 'I could have been.....' thread in the Circus:


East Price Road:
I could have been a cobbler, but I didn't think it would last.

Ann:
Shame! Just think, if you'd persevered you could have been: East Price Road & Co, by Appointment, Shoemakers to the Queen and Cobblers to the Duke of Edinburgh
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Silver Faux making Zappa feel better about people who treat him badly:

For example, when a funeral home sends a car round to pick you up, they will always politely return you to your home, after you have conducted a service.
When a funeral home sends a car round to pick up the principal benefactor who is now treating you like shite, they will deliver that person straight to the crematorium, and load them directly onto the conveyor belt.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Don't mind me, just archiving the best bits of an historical event:

quote:
Originally posted by Horseman Bree:
Just enquiring (enquiring minds like mine need to know!) as to the reason for the closure of the Quotes file.

No warning or reason was given on the thread.

quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
I just assumed Chorister wanted the last word.

quote:
Originally posted by Spike:
It was my fault! I had accessed the thread from my phone and closed it by accident when trying to close it. I didn't notice my mistake until this morning.

Sorry [Hot and Hormonal] [Hot and Hormonal] [Hot and Hormonal]

quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
Of course, my earlier assumption still stands. [Big Grin]

quote:
Originally posted by passer:
Can I quote you on that?

quote:
Originally posted by OliviaG:
Can we still have a multi-page thread on how closing the Quotes File shows that the H&A play favourites, that discussion is being stifled, and breaking rules is of value to the community? OliviaG

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Alright you suspicious lot - I thought this must be an April Fool's joke, until I looked at the date and realised there are several days to go yet.

At least you've given us a good laugh Spike [Killing me]


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Spiffy:
quote:
My great-granduncle used to expound whilst in his cups that you didn't transition from being an immigrant to the US to an actual "American" unless you spoke English.

Then someone in the family would usually point out he was giving this tirade in Italian because, you know, he was drunk and had forgotten his second language, English.

Great, pithy story, Spiff! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by fletcher christian (# 13919) on :
 
This was quick enough to make me chuckle:

quote:

Agreed. But as I get older I tend to repeat myself, not other people.

Posted by Sine in Hell
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
It's a huge chunk of text, but I think it's important enough to be highlighted and remembered, and pointed out to those who don't frequent Hell.

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:

In this place - this community - literally all we have and are is our words, typed on a screen. Those words are the only means we have of becoming known, and of getting to know others. What we say and how we say it defines us for everyone else, and therefore defines the very community in which we all operate.

So when someone who generally comes across as a pompous blowhard who holds anyone he perceives to be of lesser academic weight than himself in utter contempt posts something that displays a kind, warm, intelligent and likeable side to their personality, most people here will start thinking better of him and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. These moments are special ones in the life of a community such as this - moments where we can genuinely come to a new and fuller appreciation of the real people behind our avatars.

And then it turns out that that person, far from displaying a different side to their personality, is merely copying someone else's words in order to make themselves look kind, warm, intelligent and likeable. What a betrayal! What a corruption of that special moment! In any form of relationship such a pretence is detestable, but to do it here, where it strikes at the very heart of what we are and how our community is built? How much worse is that?

Imagine never being able to be sure of who your real-life friends actually are. Never knowing if they mean what they say, or if they're just lying in order to make you think better of them. Never knowing if they've actually done the things they're telling you about and for which you admire them so. Imagine never quite knowing that you're not in some kind of Truman Show, where everyone else you know is just an actor whose words are written for them by others. That is the effect that leo's charlatanical ways have on the community that is the Ship. If we can't trust that posters here are who they claim to be, then how can we possibly exist in community with them? How can we share prayers with them in All Saints, play games with them in The Circus or discuss theology with them in Purgatory if we don't even know if it's them we're interacting with?

Seriously, this shit's important in communities like this. Do you not remember the Curious Buddhist debacle? If not, the poster by that name became well-known and respected around here, but fell ill and subsequently died. People prayed for her. People sent gifts. People cried genuine tears at the end. And then it turned out that it was all BULLSHIT, and she'd made the whole fucking thing up. All that genuine emotion, those genuine prayers, that genuine community, and it was all for a person who was nothing more than a story being told by some fucked up bitch who was just toying with us.

Words matter here. It matters that what we read can reasonably be expected to be genuine. Because too many incidents like that, or like this, and the working assumption on reading posts is going to change from "this is real" to "this is fake". And the second that happens is the second when we lose the community that is Ship of Fools.

So no, the Ship isn't a book or an academic paper. Knowing that the words we read genuinely come from the author is far more important here than in those arenas.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Josephine beats someone up with the smart stick:

quote:
You were not only out of line, but out of plane and out of Euclidian space.
love it.
 
Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Curses, comet, I came here to post just that!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Does it really matter who he's talking about?


quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
He's sort of a cross between Milli Vanilli and Ozymandias.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
One more for the Mousethief Golden One Liner Collecton:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Hell from the other Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard

No way. There can only be one.

(Dig the Highlander reference. [Big Grin] )
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Pooks made me smile. this is the beauty of using Hell as a razor-fine rapier rather than a caveman's club.

quote:
just because Evensong said inanity makes life worth living, doesn't mean you have to prove it.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sometimes it's the little things that will just make you snap like a rubber band.

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
I could start by asking you to stop signing posts. See that bit over to the left? That's where I can read who wrote the post. 90% of us get by with that indication of who we are.

Or perhaps you're thinking that if your account gets hacked, we'll all immediately realise it isn't really you posting because the false Zach will forget to add 'Zach' at the end of the post and give the game away?

ORFEO.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The Ship is always the last to know.

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
you're cheating on us???

Well, it's just that... you don't fulfil all my needs. You're GREAT for the religious stuff and the political debate, and there's no place like Hell, but sometimes I want a Tori Amos freakout or a bit of time with the gays. And, um... I've just started seeing some classical music nuts too. It's early days yet (only about 35 posts), but so far we're getting along really well and I think it could be serious.

I just don't think I'm the kind of guy who can come to one board for everything.

(can't find my corkscrew. [Biased] )
 
Posted by OliviaG (# 9881) on :
 
ken serves up two of my favourite things - accuracy and wit:

quote:
Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha was of course a Saxon. Though not a Goth.
OliviaG
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Louise cuts through the guff and straight to the point:

Church says if you do X, then very bad things will happen.
People do X and bad things don't happen.
Church refuses to revisit claims on X despite evidence.
Sky continues not to fall when more people do X.
Therefore people conclude that church was wrong on X and frame laws accordingly.
'Behold!' says Church, 'How X leads to secularisation!'

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Pyx_e's attitude to Good Friday Processions, revealed in all its glory:

I make my lot smile .............. by not turning up. I'm not joking, I fecking hate it, but they love it and love me being too grumpy to go, they sing extra loud so I can hear it from vicarage, bastards.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Jahlove on the Press:

It's the popular press, guys - within which all women who get raped are asking for it, all non-whites are terrorists, all social workers are evil child-snatchers unless a kid gets killed by its parents in which case they are lazy fuckers, all teachers are lazy fuckers who can't teach while, at the same time, all parents are lazy fuckers who can't be arsed to toilet-train their kids before they go to school (unless they earn more than £50K pa in which case it reverts to teacher error), shedloads of jobs are taken by immigrant workers (even tho' UK yoof are idle, useless, work shy scum). And everyone is categorised by the value of their housing.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:

It's therefore more important for a young child to have a teacher with imagination and flair than for a particular scheme to be followed.

Lawmakers should have this line forcibly tattooed on their foreheads before they are allowed to go anywhere near education legislation.
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
God is allowed to be violent but we aren't. No moral contradiction there. There are lots of things God gets to do that we ought not to. "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord" That is mine and not yours. Its ultra vires. Humans aren't meant to decide who lives and who dies. God does it all.

After all God created all those Canaanites, and God killed all those Canaanites. And all those Hebrews and Philistines and Egyptians and Chinese and in fact everyone else who was alive at the time. And all the cats and dogs and mice and insects and herrings and flowers and tortoises. In fact every living thing on Earth that was alive three thousand years ago is now dead, apart from a few unusual plants. Some died old, some died young, some died through "natural causes" (scare quotes because also all caused by God), some were killed violently, some died alone, some died all at once. God created them all, and God is responsible for their lives and their deaths. And ours too. We're not.

We don't get to decide who lives and who dies or when they die. And when we try to decide it we're breaking the rules because that's what God does. It kind of goes with being God. Omnipotent and eternal creator and all that.

ken in Purgatory.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
"it's Easter Sunday here in Lake Wobegon..."


quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
quote:
Originally posted by AristonAstuanax:

... there are 300 people who think, perhaps rightly, going to church on Easter morning is better than getting it on, but you may draw your own conclusions.

Is this where we insert a "Frozen Chosen" joke and imply they showed up hoping for instructions on precisely one went about having this sex they keep hearing about?



 
Posted by Stejjie (# 13941) on :
 
This may just be my weird sense of humour, but orfeo's ABC of History of Religions in the "Resurrection and the Archbishop" thread made me laugh:

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:

You don't have to be a history of religion expert to assess whether or not a story claims to include real-life people or not.

All you need to do is read the story and see if it includes real-life people.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Remember the homies:


quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
[Roman] Catholics have their own Cola?

Royal Crown Cola.
Anglo-Caths pour a little out for King Charles the Martyr. [Biased]

 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
This is a bit serious for the Circus perhaps, but to me this advise from anoesis on a question about prenuptial arrangements is a highlight of the Ship (as various people on the thread have attested to):

quote:
anoesis: I don't know - I don't know - but if marriage really is a big and very important thing, perhaps she should not hold on so tightly to the things she owns, and put them all on the table. And perhaps you should not hold on so tightly to an issue of principle and instead show your deep love and concern for her by doing what is necessary to ease her fears. To sacrifice something you hold dear - for her. I think, if you can manage to do this, and do it without bitterness, it will have a tremendous impact on the depth of your relationship.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Proof that the "Let's Offend" thread and its variations just wait around for Smudgie to show up:


quote:
Originally posted by Smudgie:
You should be ashamed of yourself, setting standards beyond what poor Kelly and Weasel are able to achieve. Just because they are chronologically far far far beyond being pre-teens does not mean that their level of maturity has kept apace. We should not reprimand them, we should show them true Christian pity and help them make the tiny tiny steps which will slowly but surely bring them to a level of social acceptability, thus keeping Sylvander safe, not by apportioning blame, but by reducing risk.


 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Zappa in the rubble of faith thread in AS:

quote:
Sure the Church lets me down. It's full of bastards, and has 2000 years of bastardry in its history. But I'm a bastard too. That's why I need Jesus. He isn't.

 
Posted by QLib (# 43) on :
 
Oh, you beat me to it, Wodders! But I would add:
quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
I'm afraid I won't be helpful here ... but I have to be honest. I have, like others, clung on to or been clung onto by faith for three and a half decades now, ... I have no expectation that the Church is the Reign of God. The church always will and often has let me down, hurt me, whatever. So have rugby teams, drinking mates, political parties and novels.

But it is the place I am commanded to encounter the risen Christ. It is the place where the sacraments happen, where the Word is broken open, where koinonia occurs, even if sometimes more in the breech than the observance. I can see some reflections of God in creation (but as Wordsworth and Tennyson perhaps above all testify, that can bite one on the bum) but cannot reach out and receive God, digest God, argue God, be absolved by God, encounter crucified and resurrected God under my bhodi tree or on my cliff top.

I'm more of a cliff top person, myself, but even so.... [Overused]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
If God put a thorn in my flesh, it really isn't necessary for my brothers and sisters in Christ to keep hammering it in. (Orfeo)
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Wise words from Chalice Girl (on not finding Mr. Right, but could equally apply to other things in life):
There's a kind of peace that comes with giving up and accepting things as they are.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
preach it, Spiffy.
quote:
The most difficult part of freedom of speech is not that you have every right to say whatever pops into your head, but you have to then acknowledge that the other people around you therefore have the right to explain at length and at high volume how damnfool stupid what just came out of your mouth is.

 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Timothy the Obscure:

quote:
The truth is that everything that makes life worth living--love, friendship, family, community, morality--is just grit in the gears of the market.

 
Posted by Moo (# 107) on :
 
Honest Ron Bacardi on the Vatican cracks down on liberal nuns

quote:
Canard? More like a mallard imaginaire.

Moo
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Lutheranchick on election

quote:
Originally posted by LutheranChik:

I really don't see, though, why PSA adherents all seem so angry about advocates of other theories or fence-sitters like Lutherans -- even, I'm told, trying to kick non-PSA Christians off the bus. Seriously, why the attitude? If TULIP is correct, then you're obviously in like Flynn with the Lord and the rest of us are toast; chill out and enjoy your election and leave us damned souls alone.


 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
Pretty much sums it up.

quote:
Originally posted by Amos:
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
What a colossal cunt.

No. He lacks depth and warmth.


 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
You beat me to it, Spiffy! I think I might put that one on a post-it near my desk...

AG
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Way to go,Amos. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
Saved for personal use:

quote:
Dear sweet baby Jesus cuddled up in the Christmas crib
from Spiffy, on the "Depression: it's All Your Own Fault"* thread in Hell.

*Okay, that's not the title, but you know which one I mean.
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by kankucho:
Your assertion that workers in the horticultural distribution sector are somehow less worthy than effluent agitation operators indicates an offensive lack of solidarity, comrade!

I very much enjoyed this little offense-taking! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Otter:
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
O

I could tell you stories about O...

 
Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Oh, isn't that the cutest little remark ever.

(Polishes it and puts it on curio shelf.)

Nice response to a trolling comment.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Big Grin]

Sometimes we archive snappy lines, sometimes we archive examples of moving, well-crafted, damn good writing:


quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
At last time to think about this thread, this decade. It began when I was ten, ended when I was 20 (yeah, okay, give or take a few weeks). There's a nice symmetry there.


I can't remember where I was the final night of that decade. In a prayer group perhaps. But I had found God and I have, despite some painful times, never been let go.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I was going to post the snippet about how Zappa 'slid into Anglicanism' but it does sit better in the context of the whole post.
 
Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
Drifting Star, on the joys of getting older:

quote:
I'm having the same experience with my hearing. I've discovered that where a word isn't clear, my brain submits its own suggestions. Turns out it's always wanted to live in a much more entertaining place than the real world that I've been inflicting on it.

 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Oh, isn't that the cutest little remark ever.

(Polishes it and puts it on curio shelf.)

Nice response to a trolling comment.
Yeah. I liked that one too. [Smile]
 
Posted by Padre Joshua (# 13100) on :
 
An old one by KenWritez (Hell: 4Sept06)


quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:
Speaking as a bosom liberationist, I stand in solidarity with our oppressed sisters. For too long, womyn have been forced to bind, hide, squeeze, squash and compress their bosoms to fit puerile male fantasies and subconscious fears of the inherent power of the life-giving female breast.

I say, it's time to stop hiding the female bosom! Free it now, turn back centuries of masculine oppression! Wear only whatever support or decoration *you* as the bosom supporter freely decide is appropriate and comfortable!

Just as Jesus commanded us not to hide our lights under bushels, so too let us not hide the female bosom under concealing clothing! Womyn: Step forth proudly baring the bosom that nurtured a generation of empowered womyn determined to remake the face of male-dominated Western culture!

Show your bosom and strike a blow for freedom!

To which Ariel responded:

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
(Trans.: get yer tits out for the lads)

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
In Hell, on the 'I'd call you to Hell if I could be bothered thread'.

Originally posted by Padre Joshua:
I am Angered and Offended by your comment. I demand an apology. I shall now stamp my foot and cross my arms and glare at you until you explain yourself.

To which Ariston Aranuax replies:

Dear Sir:
There is a thread in the Circus for being offended for no good reason. This is Hell. If you're going to be hacked off, pissy, or even mildly irked, we'd suggest knowing why.
Sincerely,
Somewhere Else's Management.

 
Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
Padre J.: just shows how late you USians are to the party. The right to take one's shirt off in public has been established (for both sexes) in Canadian law for quite a few years now.

Not that we have the climate which would make this particularly comfortable, mind you!

And, as the comment implies, why would anyone want to in our present society?
 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
From a Hell thread on guns (and violence)- Comet lays it out:

quote:
Originally posted by comet:

and what I see - the sum total of those branded images and memories - is a culture of violence and dysfunction and pain that is not being addressed. I dont see the gun, or the car, or the knives, or the fists. I don't even see the alcohol or the drugs. I see broken hearts.

I want us to remove the butter knives, yes, to paraphrase a brilliant moment from Patdys on another thread. But more, I want to find a way to reach the broken hearts. I want children to grow up feeling loved and not feeling desperate. I WANT TO FIX THIS but I don't know how.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This is about the Shippiest comment I have ever read on these boards:

quote:
Originally posted by Eutychus:


I've skimmed through the older thread and it's given me a lot of food for thought (mostly that I'm a dummy in these matters), but I hope that a new, possibly simpler one may be in order (one major headache in the old one is "MT" being used interchangeably for "Mousethief", "Mama Thomas" and "Masoretic Text" by the protagonists...).



 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Kaplan Corday, with one of the best replies on being called to Hell that I've seen for a long time:

I don't think Evensong appreciates how exhausting it is being an Islamophobic adulterer, spending my whole time trying to fit in blowing up Muslims between affairs with other men's wives - I don't get time to scratch myself.
 
Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
Sober Preacher's Kid reflects in Purgatory on the laity's grasp of doctrine.

Really, if you said "consubstantial" to most people they'd reply "Gesundheit".

Yep!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Archived by Facebook request:

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
...and Google is too difficult for you to use, you lazy howler monkey made entirely of Issues™.


 
Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Since my retirement from Hellhosting, I've simplified my business model from volume to artisanal hand-crafted insults for special occasions.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
A wonderful quote from Boogie's son:

I remember one day I was in the bath and my 4 year old came in for a wee and said "Mummy, you have no willy?" I said "No love, girls and ladies don't have them" He replied "Never mind, I buy you one from Tesco"

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Snigger] Excellent kid.
 
Posted by Niminypiminy (# 15489) on :
 
Pyx_e on the The Voice thread in Purg:

quote:
The Parousia will not be televised.
The Parousia will be live (apols to Gil Scott-Heron)
 
Posted by passer (# 13329) on :
 
Recent recruit Mark Betts to Marvin, in Hell, having been gently taken to task for excessive use of links:

quote:
Originally posted by Mark Betts:
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
You thought wrong.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I didn't realise YOU ran this forum! (+ pinch of sarcasm for added flavour)
Marvin's response :
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]

I do actually. This board, at any rate. Which means that I get to decide what's appropriate and what's not. Suck it up, fuckwit.

Marvin seems very mellow at the moment!
 
Posted by Vulpior (# 12744) on :
 
Recent recruit the long ranger, to recent recruit Mark Betts. Who it was directed to and what the thread (tangent) was about is not important, but it was a beautifully written retort that drove me here I think for the first time to record it for posterity:
quote:
You, Sir, are a prick. In fact, if a prick was to spend time trying to formulate a general definition of what a prick was, he would be describing you. You are the archetypical prick. If prickiness was a stick of rock, your name would run through it.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Isn't this cute.


quote:
Originally posted by Mockingale:
quote:
Originally posted by no_prophet:
We're there already. But we really to properly insult one another before the hosts close the thread. [Big Grin]

So:
Go suck farts out of a dead moose!

Your dog wears second-hand mumus.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Interesting though that 'fucktard' and rusty augers and even howling monkey insults can be thrown around pretty much with impunity but a comment from Jane Austen really gets people upset.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(cough)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I admit I have an ideological bias but OH, SNAP!

quote:
Originally posted by Crœsos:
quote:
Originally posted by Mark Betts:
...but, I think the main purpose of the topic is womens' ordination concerning the Eucharist - though others would say it concerns preaching (I know!)

Just out of curiosity, which part of the Eucharist is performed with the penis? It seems to be a critical requirement, but I've never had anyone explain why.

 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
OMG! ROTFLMFAO! Beautifully done Croesos. Terrific catch, Kelly.
 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
What should an Anglican priest wear to an intedenominational event?

quote:
Originally posted by PD:
1. Street Clericals.

2. Your "Die heretic scum!" tee-shirt.

Just kidding with #2.

PD


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by Mark Betts:
Yes, of course, because he stands up and defends the christian faith he must be a bigot.

Defending cultural churcianity and established religion is not the same thing as defending the Christian faith.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Albertus:
Irony does not mean 'a bit like an iron' [Roll Eyes]


 
Posted by Joan Rasch (# 49) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Steve H:
quote:
Originally posted by Anselmina:
Does ken's church hold Anglican 'masses'? [Big Grin]

Only if some Higgs Bosons are present. You can't have mass without them.
Prime example of *Good* geek humo(u)r.

cheers from Boston - Joan
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Someone lights a small candle in the bowels of Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Let's all just do everybody a favour, and acknowledge that there is no absolute answer to the question of how individuals should face the suffering they are personally responsible for. Few of us are stupid enough and heartless enough to force suffering unnecessarily to our kith and kin, but too many of us are willing to assert such ideas on everyone else. And until we all become mindless meat manipulators of the internet eschaton we still have a modicum of free will which is the most apposite mechanism for deciding matters of our own personal suffering,

And, while we're at it, perhaps forgive those health care professionals who suffer a bias of only getting to see those who suffer most.



[ 28. May 2012, 06:17: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
The imagery in this just totally cracked me up.

Pete welcoming a noob that said he was an atheist and was a little worried about coming on board.

quote:
Originally posted by PeteC:
We love atheists. We make their heads explode. [Big Grin]


 
Posted by Zoey (# 11152) on :
 
Josephine's whole post is pretty fine, but this is the part I might write out and stick up somewhere visible in my home:

quote:
When you feel like you're right and everyone else is wrong, watch where you step. Having all knowledge is not worth much without love. And love is desperately hard work.


[ 02. June 2012, 19:00: Message edited by: Zoey ]
 
Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by AristonAstuanax:
Serene? The Circus? This isn't Ecclesiantics, and the Circus rats aren't tat queens who play vestment Mad Libs

Circus rats! Oh, yes!!
 
Posted by Balaam (# 4543) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
As for circumcision, well, that's no skin off my nose ...


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
A pleasing recap of the Queen's Jubilee:


quote:
Originally posted by Amos:
It was cold. It rained. Everyone got wet. The choir also got wet. They sang anyway. This is England.


 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
This was originally in the context of the evolution of Eucharistic doctrine, but I think it works more generally (and so have clipped it to its most general form).

quote:
Originally posted by Anglican_Brat:
... if the Holy Spirit is always present in the church, then the Church is always continually discerning new truths along the way. Scripture is not a strait jacket, it was never meant to restrict the Church in its ability to determine doctrine.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
In the thread on single women vicars, LutheranChik made me smile with this particularly fine piece of political correctness:

quote:
members of the reality-challenged community

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
passer has a wondrous turn of phrase to describe jerkish shipmates:

Many of the regular posters on SoF have been here for ten years or more, and they see tits like you come and go with monotonous regularity. You are not going to carve out a niche for yourself as the resident jester or live-wire. Judging by your current form the best you will achieve is transient dickhead, or a shit that passes in the night.
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
I suspect that this is from the same thread as passer's work, but I can't help feeling that Comet is getting mellow...

I would have just told him to go fuck himself with a barnacle-encrusted dock piling

I have someone in mind for that treatment myself.

AG
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
IngoB on digital sacraments:
quote:
Meanwhile, actual sacraments remain available at your nearest RC church. True, you will have to suffer the proximity of real human beings in order to access these Divine channels of grace. But then God always had this strange fetish for "embodiment". I mean here He is, pure Spirit in zero-lag communication with Himself and He does not only create nature, but actually incarnates into that mess as well, with human bandwidth. His first technical officer Lucifer had a right fit about that one. And I hear He plans to resurrect us in the body. I mean, come on, what better place for cloud computing than heaven? Yeah, OK, we are going to get an upgrade, but why don't we just abstract away from the bioware layer, like, all the way? Because when we Christians talk about meeting God face to face - what we mean is on Facebook!

Excellent flight of irony!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
That is absolutely fuckin' beautiful. God Bless you, Bingo.

I once, off board, wrote something comparing IngoB to the Michael Shannon character in "Revolutionary Road." Every once in a while some wild-card, loose-cannon, Grace monkey gets ahold of the steering wheel in his head, and wonderful things happen.
 
Posted by MiceElf (# 4389) on :
 
This from the lone ranger:
You, Sir, are Mr Stupid riding to Stupidville on the 0915 Stupid Express drinking a can of Stupid.
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
ToujoursDan on a thread in Hell which contains a certain amount of comparisons between (and amongst) denominations:

I think like an Anglican. I have an Anglican worldview. At this point in my life I couldn't be anything other than Anglican. Being an Anglican has kept me from giving up on Christianity altogether.

(my itals)
 
Posted by Moo (# 107) on :
 
In response to this from Eliab
quote:
...plenty of people on the Ship have taken a while to find their feet here.
Sioni Sais responded
quote:
Me for one. When I did bother to find my feet I found that one of them was right there in my mouth.
Moo
 
Posted by Niminypiminy (# 15489) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Every once in a while some wild-card, loose-cannon, Grace monkey gets ahold of the steering wheel in his head, and wonderful things happen.

I just love that sentence.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(wow, twice in one year. I'm on a roll.)


This American Life:

quote:
Originally posted by BessHiggs:
YIKES! My two nephews just stopped by the bar to drop off something for me and told me how cool it was that I had hung a big rubber snake over the flat-screen TV. It's NOT FREAKING rubber. [Eek!] [Eek!]

Sadly, its proximity to expensive electronics prevents me from shooting it. It's got itself halfway tucked up in the ceiling and hubby can't get it out. Luckily, my shift ends in about 30 minutes, then the snake will be my partner's problem [Snigger]


 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:

If both partners are going to make lists of priorities, "wife" needs to be at the top of the husband's list, and "husband" at the top if the wife's list.

Yes indeed.
 
Posted by Sine Nomine (# 66) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
He didn't copy/ paste it to comfort himself. He copy/ pasted it to serve others.

But the greatest commandment is ...
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Tortuf issues a timely reminder in Hell:

As to the other members of the Feelings have no place in serious debate club, you are posting on an internet bulletin board with an assumed name and a cartoon for an avatar. Think about it.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Things you don't want to see:

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
I'm in a thread-starting mood today. There's a new thread in Hell with [insert your name here]'s name on it.



[ 16. June 2012, 03:03: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Martin PC Not and Ship's Biohazard:
quote:
One's me slightly estranged Italian grannie, who'll let me in the house and be lovely and has some really lovely kids, my second cousins or first cousins once removed, but she has a houseful of stuff and won't let me take tea with her. The other's her Greek twin sister. Who has a more exotic cluttered house but who's disturbingly attractive because you can see the girl in her still and when she was young she had a truly beautiful mind which is still in there.
Since this is from the "Differences between Catholicism and Orthodoxy" thread, I'm going to assume Martin is talking about churches. But then this is Martin PC Not and maybe I shouldn't assume they aren't actual family connections. [Biased]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Definitely belongs in Ship's canon:

quote:
Originally posted by QLib:
A full-on "Goodbye, cruel Ship!" flounce is one thing, but often it's a declining verb:


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
SCat in Hell. I do love a good turn of phrase.

quote:
[A] long-term resident of her own intestine.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Kelly Alves (or Allie Kelves) in fine form in Hell:

Laugh it up, funny man. And keep checking your news feed. You're gonna find a Bay Area item about someone named Kylie Alvarez up in a bell tower picking off random folk with a sniper rifle. And it will be all on your heads.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Twilight:
quote:
Everybody marries people who remind them of their mother, even women. She was the first person who really liked us. Maybe the only one.
That explains a lot.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I don't do this often, but:

quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
I think he is looking for a door that says "Piss on their heads from the balcony" and has failed to notice the gathering crowd of people bearing garden shears.


 
Posted by Sine Nomine (# 66) on :
 
Sooo good...

quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
As we say here in redneck country: It's not true love until someone takes out a restraining order.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Apply this to anything you want, really:

quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:
The cognitive dissonance is like a Hitchcock violin track. Only funnier.



[ 19. June 2012, 17:02: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
RooK, in fine form in the Styx:

quote:
A Heaven Hostie wasn't as heavenly as hoped? A Hellhost didn't reek of sulphur? You found yourself able to stay away through an entire Hostly post in Purgatory? Fortunately, we have a money-back guarantee for all your Ship of Fools™ experiences. Just present your receipt to our helpful Service Fool for a full refund.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Since he's never gonna hear the end of it anyway:

quote:
Originally posted by birdie:
quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
quote:
Originally posted by Mockingale:
But that was 2008, and surely we live in a much more civilized time. [Cool]

There are many thousands of shipmates. It only takes one to mess things up.

Moo

I'm Spartacus.
Yes, you are.

 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
I think birdie missed the :pat: :pat on the head: at the end of that!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I read it more as " If you think I'm repeating that,you're nuts." Either way, it's funny.
 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
Yep, it was more a 'nipping it in the bud' thing. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Fucking fossilised turtles this is pointless.

Think²
Hellhost


Way to close a Hell thread, with reference to current news story.
 
Posted by Niminypiminy (# 15489) on :
 
Not a one liner, but true, and well expressed. Cliffdweller from Helping the Homeless:
quote:
One professional we have worked with defines homelessness as a "failure of community"-- noting that the difference between you or I and the homeless is precisely that-- you and I experience hard times, bad luck, or screw up thru our own poor choices just as much as homeless people. The difference is we had the good fortune to have family or friends we can fall back on to help us get back on our feet when that happened. The most important component to a "cure" for homelessness is restoring community-- connecting them to a stable community and resources.

 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Justinian, here, tiring of the ID/creationist "debate" on evolution
quote:
What issues?

As far as the biologists are concerned this isn't even undergraduate level stuff. There are no serious issues.<snip>

As far as the creationists are concerned there are no issues. God created the world. Evolution didn't happen. And the maths is more or less irrelevant.

As far as the ID lobby (normally the Discovery Institute) is concerned, it's a handfull of chaff to throw at orthodox biology. In depth discussion doesn't suit many of them (and those it does get disillusioned).

This is an ex issue. It is not pining for the fjords. It is a 100 years-dead issue that someone has nailed to a perch and is trying to foist off on a poor customer.

I just liked the use of Monty Python to illustrate the randomness of the argument.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
The more I read the posts by Zach and Beeswax Altar, the more they remind me of the World of Warcraft games my brother plays so often. (That would be my other brother.)

quote:
NEW QUEST: EUCHARIST

Your quest, should you accept it, is to perform a magical ritual called 'Eucharist'. In order to succesfully complete this quest, the following conditions need to be fulfilled:
a) All players need to be in the same space (presence through a teleport channel will make the ritual invalid).
b) At least one of the players needs to have reached the level of Priest.
c) The group of players must have acquired at least 1 Wine Item and 1 Bread item, otherwise the points gained at the Eucharist Quest will not be counted. Nothing may be used as a substitute for Wine and Bread.
d) All players participating in this Quest need to have a Sin Level lower than 5. In case of a higher Sin Level, the player can play some Repentance points to reduce his Sin Level.

EXECUTION
The Priest must pronounce the Eucharist Spells that are listed in the Priestly Supplementary Book provided with the game. At some points, the other players need to reply with the answers given in their Supplementary Books. The Bread must be broken and the Wine must be shared.

RESULTS
At the succesful completion of this Quest, each player will receive an amount of Grace Points that will be measurable in his Player's Dashboard. If enough Grace Points have been acquired, then after completion of this level, the player may go on to the Heaven Level.

That's all nice and coherent and objective, isn't it? Once again, if you want to believe in this kind of a God, I have no problem with it. Go right ahead. But I don't believe in this kind of World-of-Warcraft god
From Hell. While my view of the Eucharist is closer to Zach's and BA's than it is to LeRoc's, the "World of Warcraft" bit made be giggle out loud. Well done!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Disgust makes art.

quote:
Originally posted by Mockingale:

I'm so fucking tired of these brainless, dickless, friendless, loveless, soulless, dishonest, disreputable, malodorous, malevolent, pants-on-head-on-fire-insane backward toothless fucknuggets shitting up Christianity and shitting up the United States. 40 years ago we were sending humans to the moon. 40 years from now we'll be condemning the internal combustion engine as a form of sorcery.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
From a Heaven thread on song lyrics:
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Why on earth did someone leave the cake out in the rain?

Was exactly the subject of a conversation I got into the day that Donna Summer died. There were beers. The conversation polarised into poets versus bakers. The bakers could conceive of no circumstances in which one might leave a cake out in the rain. The poets talked of metaphor. There were more beers.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Personally, I've never thought it's a metaphor. It's the tragic story of a woman and her cake.
--Adeodatus.


 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
Hahahaha. That is funny.

[Overused] Adeo.
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Lamb Chopped on the bible:

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
It's a library. So pick the genre you like reading, and have at it.

Like history? 1/2 Samuel, 1/2 Kings, 1/2 Chronicles and Ezra and Nehemiah.

Thrillers? Esther.

Romance/Fairy tale happy endings? Ruth

Social criticism/peace and justice issues? Any of the prophets, from Isaiah onward

Humor? Jonah

Philosophy and "Why am I here?" Job, Ecclesiastes

Poetry for every mood? Psalms, Song of Solomon

Pithy sayings? Proverbs

How the world-as-we-know-it came to be? Genesis, Exodus

True crime? (shudder) Judges

Cultural anthropology/sociology/Law and customs? Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Erroneous Monk answers a rhetorical question in Hell:

quote:
quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
Is there an icon for IJDGAFF?

\0/~~~~~~~~(")>

(Giant penguin pointedly looking away from drowning man)

I can't be the only one who finds this absolutely hilarious on a wide variety of levels.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Awesome beyond words.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I REALLY need to archive this.

quote:
Originally posted by Johnny S:

Kelly has just been voted Queen of the Geeks at the annual Geek convention in Geektown, Geeksville, Arizona.



 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Sound advice from Chorister:

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
...Some people's need to help others is so strong that they overhelp, causing people either to have to fend them off or else create a dependency culture in vulnerable people who would be able to be independent if left to their own devices.

Rule no. 1 - always check people actually need help (and what sort of help they need) before giving it.

Rule no. 2 - give what is needed and then back off; encourage people to help themselves as much as they are able, keeping their dignity and independence in the process.

Rule no. 3 - Always give the hosts chocolate.

Though Crystallised Ginger works just as well.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Moo, as a follow-up comment to the above post:

I agree with Thoreau, who said that if you see someone coming toward you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The difference between challenging and inexcusable:

quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:
quote:
Originally posted by Think²:
I feel poetry that makes you wince is entirely in keeping with the ethos down here - its not meant to be comfortable [Devil]

Well there's uncomfortable and there's crap. And I move that the former doesn't really justify the latter.


[ 01. July 2012, 00:50: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Trisagion and IngoB both demonstrate a keen level of self-awareness in Hell. IngoB may get on my last nerve sometimes, but after this post, I love him lots. plus, I laughed 'til my peppermint tea came out my nose.
quote:
Originally posted by Trisagion:
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
And it's held by a very small group of men in Rome who know that if they say "jump" millions of Catholics the world over will say "how high?".

If you think that, you are labouring under a serious misapprehension. In descending order of likeliness, the responses would range through:
* not having heard
* having heard but not taking any notice
* having heard but not understanding
* having heard but pretending not to have heard
* having heard but deciding that what they've heard was something else
* having heard but deciding that they're not obliged to jump
* having heard and jumping ever so slightly
* having heard and asking "how high?"

The final group might only include IngoB and me.

quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
Well, I'm more in the "the pope said to jump precisely 63.5 cm, here I made a very nice drawing illustrating the finer trigonometric details that allows millimetre accuracy for my estimate - and I think that all this thinking effort should count as me having jumped, really" group.

But I approve of people like you putting some muscle into this, I really do. *unfurls a yellow-white flag and begins to wave it enthusiastically* "Yay! Good on us! We are a great team, you jumping and me knowing exactly by how much you have missed. Yay!" [Biased]


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Trisagion and IngoB have been in rare form lately. [Overused]

*********************
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:

quote:
Originally posted by la vie en rouge:
OTOH, I could do without at least half of the book of Joshua - where they're dividing the land. It's the dullest thing in the universe. If only the map had been invented then, it would have saved a LOT of paper.

I always thought Numbers could be infinitely improved if done as a series of spreadsheets with the occasional footnote.
And I'd love to see the servers/deacons/priests at mt's church carrying the Holy Spreadsheets in procession. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
comet, eloquently reflecting on symptoms pathognomonic of allergic rhinitis:
quote:
I feel like the marching band in my sinuses just gave en epic solo to their most manic and meth-addled base drummer. I've got enough pressure in here to can a herd of elephants.
I'd feel sympathy but I'm laughing too much.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
orfeo and the Anthropic Principle:
quote:
Oh my goodness. The shirt I pulled out of the cupboard this morning more or less at random fits me PERFECTLY. It's INCREDIBLE!

[Biased]


 
Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :
 
Ken, refuting Creationism for the gazillionth time (in the Texas Republicans thread):

quote:
Dinosaurs aren't extinct. One flew by my office window just now.

 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Earwig in All Saints making a comment about
A Well-Known Admin:

quote:
I love the fact that the most serious abuse of admin powers I've seen in my years on the ship is for chocorrit.

I laughed 'til I cried at that little pleading 'chocorrit'. [Killing me]

WW is seriously in need of chocolatl, or else he would have known how to type his post properly. Please feed. Chorister, Host

[ 05. July 2012, 16:15: Message edited by: Chorister ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Thanks Chorister [Hot and Hormonal]

If anyone sends me chocolate it will all go to Nephew Person as I'm [horribly] allergic to it and HWMBO is diabetic and his sugar figures last week were not good.
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Rook, clearly you know how to get chocolate now as an H&A. Just come and mess up your coding in the Circus! (Hmm, maybe I should try that.)
 
Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
Originally posted by Zappa:
'There will always be dipsticks who manipulate God into the shape of their own ego. My denomination may be shrivelling up and dying but we sure as fuckery won't go down telling women that they have to lie on their back on demand in the service of Jaysus.'

(from the Mars Hill thread)

[ 07. July 2012, 11:57: Message edited by: Amos ]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
On the Chocolate thread in All Saints:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
Poor kingsfold. I read that as, you couldn't get chocolate 'cause you were "inedible".

We all miss Kenwritez. He could cook anything properly. [Tear]
Yes. Yes we do.

[Votive]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
He has passed on the "Let's Offend" torch, apparenty.

There are works of art, and then there are masterpieces. I am overwhelmed with hero-worship over this one:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
I am offended!
I would tell you why I am offended, your blatant J_____ H______, but then I would be guilty of J_____ H______. Though the real hosts... (No, that does not work. Calling them "real" lends them a gravitas not fitting here. The picture of AA laying unconscious on the floor, red nose askew. Size humongous blue and yellow shoes pointing at the ceiling, where he fell in an intoxicated stupor after his nightly binge of candy floss and circus peanuts, takes away any dignity he might have otherwise had. I have heard the other two are even worse.)
Though the actual hosts of the circus might be offended by such and the last thing I wish is to offend anyone on this thread.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
.. and this would work as a Host Post in hell:


quote:
Originally posted by Sylvander:
I really wish you'd misbehave with more orderliness. Is that expecting too much?


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
quote:
Originally posted by Imaginary Friend:
. . . humans evolved in very specific ways to be able to hunt in a manner that no other creature could.

This is true. Very few other creatures hunt in cocktail lounges.
Bravo, Tortuf!!
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
IngoB:
quote:

So what? That doesn't make the Hodgkin-Huxley model of action potential generation look anything like the Lagrangian density of quantum chromodynamics.

This, from the Purg thread on the God Particle. There ought to be a Nobel Prize for this scientificotheology shit. You'd get my vote, IngoB.

[ 12. July 2012, 13:06: Message edited by: Yorick ]
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
In Hell, Zappa started a thread about his sister-in-law's choir not being allowed to sing at St. Andrews, Sydney, unless their entire program was in English. For context, here's how Zappa started his OP:

"Okay: it's the Diocese of Sydney again. Indeed it's a Jensen again..."

Albertus then made this Quotes File worthy post:

quote:
Would 'Fuck off Jensen- and fuck off the other Jensen- in fact fuck off both of you' be plain enough English? I'm sure soemone could compose a setting.
We do have composers on the Ship, no? [Snigger]
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Well, thanks! [Big Grin] My second ever entry in the quotes file, both as it happens nominated from the San Francisco Bay area.

Here's a rather beauatiful one from pyx_e over on the 'CofE is wonderful' thread

quote:
In this land it is pretty much hated and envied by all other denominations, not high enough, low enough, sound enough, forever bickering like some dystopian Waltons. Its clergy are weird, its laity not much better. And yet there it is huge, everywhere and able to call the common people better that they ever can, just by being there.

Some benevolent behemoth that stumbles on while outrageous stones are slung too often by our brothers and sisters. Yet at every Selection Panel I can guarantee half a dozen who have left other denominations as they mature spiritually begging to join the good old despised C of E. Why? I ask them, structure, maturity of leadership and being more than one strand while holding all (well most) strands together, which just reflects God more in its mess than pretty much everything else.

Full of beauty and too often vileness, doing so much left handed good that the right hand never sees. Truly wonderful, shame on you who call that which is good evil. It is Saving the ordinary in ordinary ways. Like it saved me.



[ 16. July 2012, 09:13: Message edited by: Albertus ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I very rarely comment on a quote but that one gets a gold star for pyx_e.
 
Posted by QLib (# 43) on :
 
Yes - excellent, and heartening. [Overused]
 
Posted by Niminypiminy (# 15489) on :
 
That's just fab, isn't it. I came down to post that very post of Pyx_e's myself, more than half-expecting to see it here already -- and hey presto!
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
ken in fine flow in Ecclesiantics, explaining why the CofE is better at big events than TEC (and going into Norwegian football commentary mode at the end):

quote:
Because we is British.

That is what we do.

We are the world champions of impressive and apparently milldy obsolete ceremonial and pageantry (even if most of it was invented between about 1840 and 1910)

We also have Bonfire, coronations, cricket (makes more sense considered as a ritual invocation of nature spirits than as a sport), genuine marching pipers in kilts (as opposed to fake ones who can only play "Amazing Grace"), investitures, military tatoos, more elaborate university graduations than you do (and the speeches are less likely to turn into tedious pap talks), morris dancing, traditional naval reviews (even without Turbinia), proper football fans with proper traditional chants and occasional genuine blood, real horse racing (American racing has those silly tantantaras, yeuchhhh, and the boring flat circular dirt tracks, and a general lack of royalty, real ale, drunken farmers, and corporate hospitality tents full of skimpily dressed PR women), Remembrance Day, shinier massed bands, state funerals, Orange Marches the size of a planet, the best ever flypasts (a Vulcan, a Lancaster, and two Spitfires flying in formation and Concorde flew overhead - beat that!), the Changing of the Guard, the Lord Mayor's Show, the State opening of Parliament, Trooping the Colour, Maggie Thatcher, Lord Nelson, Lord Beaverbrook, Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Anthony Eden, Clement Attlee, Henry Cooper, Lady Diana, and much much more!


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
HA! I beat you all!


quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:

Humanity sucks.
And also with you.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
You're on my list. Unless you take me to the tomato fight.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sylvander pwns us all:

quote:
Originally posted by Sylvander:
I am pleased that I apparently am able to foster such unanimty and hearty agrrement between my fellow crew members! In fact this maketh me so cheery and lighthearted, I think I'll have to let it out in a song. Zinzendorf's "Herz und Herz" vereint zusammen" sounds like just the right choice.

Feel ye all free to join in. I suspect, however, that some of you who wouldn't recognize artistic genius when it crawls up their backs and gives them a haircut, can't tell the difference between "join in" and "run away".


 
Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
As far as I know, I am an oddity.

You save some quotes because they make you laugh or cry or think. Others for the truth within. This one simply to refer back to when desired. [Razz]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The fucked-up, Shippie version of "If you gave a mouse a cookie":


quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Scandalous thought, BS? You cannot handle a scandalous thought.

CK, are you advocating alcohol for little ones? Do the words Circus Host not terrify you as a parent? Just a wee bit of drink, you say. Harmless you think. That is how it starts. Next the rattle is discarded for a squeeze-bulb horn and they can only be put to sleep by the sound of a calliope. Later you find clown magazines tucked under the mattress and they leave the flat dressed normal but with baggy dotted trousers, big shoes and greasepaint stuck in their rucksacks. Oh then they'll want a Messershmidt and tell you it is to save petrol and that it is cute. But as soon as they get 'round the corner, they will stuff in 10 of their friends then drive in circles whilst scrambling in and out. Then they end up hosting silly games and naming themselves after refridgerators. Is this what you wish for your children? [Disappointed]

I really just need to start following her around. On the Ship, I mean.
 
Posted by W Hyatt (# 14250) on :
 
From mousethief's latest sig:

quote:
FDA Approves Fracking Fluid as Beverage; Homeowners with Tainted Tap Water Sued for Theft -- political satire on Is Outrage!
I love it!
 
Posted by Alwyn (# 4380) on :
 
Me too - it's hilarious.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Thanks guys. [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
We should remember that our Jewish brothers and sisters are doing quite well with their Scriptures ("OT") and without ours (NT). If the Hebrew Scriptures are so horrible that we'd want to chuck them, what is that saying about the Jewish religion today?

I think it's much healthier to adopt some of the Jewish tradition's way of wrestling with the Scriptures (e.g., midrash, and the rabbinic tradition of balancing multiple points of view). Like Jacob with the angel, we should engage with them until they bless us, even if we leave the scene limping.

Beautiful.

[ 01. August 2012, 21:52: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
passer confronts his addiction to standard writing formats:

quote:
Originally posted by passer:
I'm sorry, Pete. I tried to let it pass, but it was the voices, incessantly whispering in my ear, barely audible, but nagging... nagging, sounding like my old English master hissing "passer - this is a Grammar School, not a street corner. Come to my desk". They didn't do prisoners, those Christian Brothers.

That it should come to this, a time when 1337 and txtspk have evolved, and the nearest most students could get to defining conjugation would be a guess about marital rights, which they'd probably write as rites.

I envy you your refuge behind the barricades (cue Spandau Ballet). Perhaps I'll join you, and we can take the air, in a tobacco trance..


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Eliab:
(*Public service bit: as people often find it hard to discern whether they are joyless shits, here's a test:

If you have noticed that quite a lot of people are rather enjoying the Olympics, and that actually makes you happy regardless of whether you want to watch the sports yourself, then you aren't.

If it does not make you noticeably more happy that thousands of people are having a good time, then I'm afraid you are a joyless shit, whether you recognise it or not.

That still applies even if you are pretending to yourself that you would be happy for the rest of us if it were not for the expense, or sponsorship, or inconvenience, or whatever. Those excuses are just another symptom of being a joyless shit - you can tell that they are excuses by recognising that the personal inconvenience to you of the Games is in fact so utterly trivial that you would endure it ten times over if it pleased someone that you actually cared about (assuming you do care about anyone else, that is) and therefore it would not stop you from being happy about other people's pleasure if you were not a joyless shit. There's no cure, and it's mildly contagious, so do the rest of us a favour and put yourself in quarantine.)

I don't know why, but many of the best quotes come from the Hell board.

For the record, I am not a joyless shit. Eliab's test proves it. There should be a "Seal of Approval" available...
 
Posted by Balaam (# 4543) on :
 
Zappa, about the new Bishop of Wellington:

quote:
Though he's done the social activism thing well, he's only been ordained ten minutes, and comes from as far as I can see a screaming rahrahyippydippydoo parish that wouldn't know liturgy etc if it was slapped up the jaxy with a wet kumara.

 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
quote:
Doc Tor:
quote:
Dear Religion, While you were debating what chicken sandwiches were okay to eat, I just landed on Mars. Sincerely, Your Pal Science

Hahahaha.
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Dafyd:
I think it used to be widely accepted among good evangelical Protestant folk that theological liberalism was half way to atheism and atheism was more than half way to Popery.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Organ Builder:
quote:
You don't "win" a debate on the Ship by making everyone so tired of you that they let you have the last word because they stopped reading your posts two pages ago.
Y'all know who you are. [Paranoid]
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:
The major issue here isn't post modernism, atheism, or any other ism except arseholerism.

[Killing me] This should be blazoned across the top of the boards.
 
Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on :
 
I might have given out a hostage to fortune. I'm sure it will come back to bite me.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
Lyda*Rose, you have brightened my day! There's something so satisfying about finding yourself quoted on this thread.

I'm not sure I can agree that those people know who they are, though...
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:
Lyda*Rose, you have brightened my day! There's something so satisfying about finding yourself quoted on this thread.

I'm not sure I can agree that those people know who they are, though...

Hope springs eternal. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
And MadGeo is back- yay!
quote:
If you put 10 geologists in a room, you'll get 12 different opinions on almost anything.

When people say there's a conspiracy of scientists to agree on Global Climate Change, that is a real knee slapper to us. Herding cats, doesn't begin to describe it...

Love it [Cool]
 
Posted by Athrawes (# 9594) on :
 
This, from Firenze in Heaven, is delightful.

No, not the Marmite wars! Then it'll be the correct names for various bakery goods, who was the definitive Doctor, when to use an apostrophe.... After that, it's skies dark with the smoke of burning cities and the ground strewn with corpses.
 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Especially when followed by lilBuddha:

If you do not wish us to continue, do not make the end sound so appealing.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
From over on the Purg thread "The Laws of Mathematics are a creation of God":

quote:
Originally posted by Dal Segno:
A religion that says that God is three and one at the same time should have no difficulty with there being an infinite number of different infinities.


 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by the constantly brilliant Firenze, on the subject of reading three books at the same time:
It's a game. You read alternate sentences from each, the better to be struck by incongruous juxtapositions. You should try it with Lucky Jim, The Man Who Was Thursday and Calvin's Institutes. It's hilarious.

You're hilarious, Firenze.
 
Posted by A.Pilgrim (# 15044) on :
 
OK, after a bit of thought I'm going to post this, from the Where does a person go when they die? thread in Keryg:
quote:
Originally posted by Helen-Eva:
This is all really interesting and intensely confusing stuff and I am now bewildered in a much more informed way than I was before - which is great.

Helen-Eva, on some theological debates, I know exactly what you mean... [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
Yeah, I know I'm supposed to be put down by this, but it really made me laugh, and it's very clever:
quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
Well, I care how I present myself and my arguments in writing, and I use Word to draft posts, and I use Preview Post to check my code, and I still make mistakes that I should like to correct. If that tells you I don't care, it tells me you don't care.

Never in the field of internet chatter has so much been written by one person and read by so few.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Lovely riff between Mockingale and Boogie:
quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
quote:
Originally posted by Mockingale:
The agenda crap is ludicrous, but fundamentalists are ludicrous people and I could imagine them believing that there is a secret cabal of people that really want teenagers to have lots of sex.

There is - they are called teenagers.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Speaking of Gideon Bibles on the "Floppy Bibles" thread, Chorister said:

quote:
Meanwhile, Hotel ones are - according to a recent news magazine report - going to be replaced by copies of 'Fifty Shades of Grey', so nothing need ever be floppy again.
[Killing me] [Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
From a Hell thread on fasting:

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
Popcorn anyone?

Thanks, no, I've given it up for the duration of this thread.


[ 19. August 2012, 03:29: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
Martin PC Not sums up Purgatory at its best:

quote:
What a great thread, especially the bits I don't like.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Oferyas tells it like it is:
There have always been funerals where the body is absent: lost at sea, burnt in an air crash, eaten by sharks at a Synod meeting....


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by cheesymarzipan:
I'd abstain from meat, if pigs were a vegetable.



[ 21. August 2012, 03:40: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Quotes File is a good start for this one; I think it ultimately needs to wind up on a commemorative gold plaque:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
End in madness? Have you not been paying attention? This thread was conceived in madness, has steeped in madness; glories, revels and wallows in madness. Every participant is certifiably insane!*
Ariston wanders around in his clown pyjamas, thinking himself a dishwasher; Kelly types half her posts with her nose as she is restrained in a straight jacket; Syllie acts a combination of Cyrano de Bergerac and Don Quioxte. We have a nutter who thinks herself a wailing spirit or gaseous emission, another who thinks she is a penguin! She jumps in the neighbors' pool, splashing about, naked save for black and white paint, then wanders town begging for fish! Really quite embarrassing. The saddest is the geez, um, pensioner who thinks himself an ex-pat in India. Spends his days sitting atop his toy elephant, reliving the days of the Raj. Though, to be fair, he might have been there, given his age...
Anyhow, this place is a veritable asylum, and you say might end in madness. [Disappointed]

*Excepting, of course, myself.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Am moment of surpassing great joy in Eccesiantics:


quote:
Originally posted by Barefoot Friar:
I love, love, love my alb from Gaspard.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
In honor of a certain hyper-inflated media shitstorm involving billiards, Tortuf puts his thang down, by way of the Song of Songs:

quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his cue—
for his love is more delightful than wine.
Pleasing is the fragrance of his perfume;
his name is like a rack broken apart.
No wonder the young women love him!

Take me away with you—let us Harry!
Let the king bring me into his chambers.

Chorus:
We rejoice and delight in him;
we will praise his love more than wine.

How right they are to adore you!

Shy am I, yet lovely,
a daughter of Albion,
taught like the bieze on the table.

Do not stare at him because,
he is darkened by the florescent glow.

His mother’s guards were angry with him.

You can take him home in your minds;
our own vineyards we may neglect.

Tell us, you whom we love,
where you graze your cock
and where you rest your ship at midday.



[ 24. August 2012, 03:53: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Girl, you gotta stop being so funny in my prescence.


quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
At first, I was offended by you lot. However after some reflection, something we do well, I determined I was a hypocrite for feeling so. And now, I must give you thanks. For today, I free my pet Christians. It is bittersweet, as I was given some of them as a young child. It was a learning experience at first, I must admit. Keeping the different breeds in different pens, cannot mix the fundamentalist with the RCCs, the fundamentals will turn rabid. Different feeds for each, unleavened wafers and wine for the RCCs, the High church CofEs demanding battenberg... I will have to confess I lost a few at first. That was embarrassing. Turns out they do not flush like goldfish. Father was quite peeved at needing to call the plumber. I did have such fun playing with them, though. Learned bunches about debate. Also about pointless diatribe.
Well it is over now, I realize keeping such pets is not the best thing. Though they do not seem capable of functioning on their own, I do worry they might injure themselves or each other. I shall release them seperately, in different areas.
Do any of you know of wildlife rehabilitation facilities which might be able to help them prepare for independence?


 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Originally posted by Kelly Alves after Pyx_E dared dis Louis Armstrong.


quote:
And I know you're just being a shithead, Pyx, but you better back off my man Louie. You are not fit to sponge the dribble out of his spit valve.

 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Ariston nails it in The Circus concerning the rules for 'Inverary Socks' in response to an enquiry from a concerned recent arrival:

'In general, "established etiquette" is to make up the rules as you go along. So long as nothing important catches fire, or some other catastrophe of Bunessan proportions, things are good.'

I think that covers most games, unless stated otherwise.
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Mockingale:
You don't have to try to "win." That's not just important for the Ship. It's a good life skill. Very few people like an intellectual bully. That's a reason that people hate lawyers.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
From Dead Horses on "submissive brides?":
quote:
Originally posted by Crœsos:
quote:
Originally posted by Anglican_Brat:
Referring to the article, if your partner who leads in dancing, can't dance, wouldn't the most logical action be to have the other partner lead, rather than continuing having one partner's feet being stomped on throughout the dance?

That observation is usually more apparent to the one being stomped than to the one doing the stomping.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Pyx_e can be such a snide little dickhead sometimes. which is why I adore him. this made me laugh loud enough to annoy the dog.

in Styx:
quote:
Internal synapses indicate this may precede a flounce / 94.3% probability. Underlying cause: “No one loves me / understands me.” Script running on loop. Chances of drunken episode and/or poor subsequent relationship choices also high.

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Circuit Rider nails it in Eccles:

quote:
Sacred cows may make gourmet burgers but many of our churchgoers become vegetarian when it comes to butchering the idols.

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Aaand, one more. This one from churchgeek on the Circus thread where we're making up meanings to place names. Here is one expression I think would see a lot of use (more's the pity):

quote:
Bury St. Edmunds - Originally, the order given by the Church hierarchy when St. Edmunds' remains ceased to be incorruptible. Now it is said when someone or something admired goes from being exceptionally extraordinary to merely extraordinary, as in: "They've stripped Lance Armstrong of his titles... guess it's time to bury St. Edmunds."


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Firenze and Doublethink almost made me wee myself in Heaven:

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
quote:
Originally posted by Gill H, talking about the Hairy Bakers' cookbook:
I see their book has knocked 50 Shades off the top of the bestseller list. I know which one I would rather read...!

Ah, the BDSM cookbook - whip the cream, beat the eggs, bully the beef...
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
So is a pastry casing just a culinary gimp suit?


 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
More chuckles in Heaven!

quote:
Originally posted by Hart:
I guess pen is envy.

[ETA reference]

[ 30. August 2012, 01:57: Message edited by: jedijudy ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I'm still hemmorhaging from that one. Hart, I'm sending you the ER bill.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Just adding some context to that so I remember a year from now--it was on the thread about the ridiculously sexist "Bic for Her" pens.

(Okay to add what I just overheard my kid saying for memory work? "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and astonishing one another with all wisdom. . ." We also got a version along the lines of "demolishing one another..." (Colossians 3:16))
 
Posted by beachcomber (# 17294) on :
 
'but gives the impression that a bad experience with a maniple has left him with a bad case of PTSD.'
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Nice phrase but...Who? Where?
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Multum in parvo

quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
I have an Anglican Hooligan t-shirt.

I was advised not to wear it before ordination.

[Linkfix.]

[ 31. August 2012, 06:10: Message edited by: Ariston ]
 
Posted by beachcomber (# 17294) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Nice phrase but...Who? Where?

In hell alas, but none too hellish istm
 
Posted by Garasu (# 17152) on :
 
Here
 
Posted by beachcomber (# 17294) on :
 
Scientific Dating Methods and Counter Claims

Failing dating agency !


(in Dead Horses)
 
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on :
 
From Erroneous Monk, in Hell:

quote:

quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:
Don't people get that comparing yourself to Jesus in such a situation makes you look like an even bigger arsehole?

Yeah but my Myers-Briggs is INRI

 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
From the Mitt Romney Sanity Check thread in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Lord Jestocost:
I learnt today (and have verified) that "Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan" is an anagram of "My ultimate Ayn Rand porn".

Just saying.

Edited because I forgot what thread it was on. Come sit by Grandpa and tell us your name again...

[ 06. September 2012, 15:47: Message edited by: Organ Builder ]
 
Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on :
 
From the Lewis's trichonosis/tracheotomy thread in Purgatory;

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
Now I'm wondering if the word "I" is anti-Semitic, and if so what a reasonable alternative is.

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
איך


 
Posted by saysay (# 6645) on :
 
Kelly Alves in Hell:

quote:
Oh, I think it's just vocabulary porn now.
I've been looking for a term for that; not sure why 'vocabulary porn' hadn't occurred to me.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I about pissed myself over this one:


quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
She's a cheap date. Sioni. [Big Grin]

quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
Australian and has this weird idea I'm Catholic. [Confused]

Isn't that your usual line when you want to avoid using a condom?


 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Ariston in Hell
quote:
Well, yes, there's a reason why, no matter what part of the philosophy turf wars you come from, no matter how acrimonious the little battles between methods and disciplines may be, "Ayn Rand sucks festering monkey balls" will never be a controversial statement.

At this point, Rand isn't even a punchline for philosophers. The fact that people who might be elected ever took her seriously is an endless source of shame to us; had we done our job properly, had we educated our students well, if we had reached the general public at all, she would have found her books pulped at practically the same time her vanity press printed them. She wouldn't even be a footnote to a footnote to history—and the fact that she is is a reminder that we have failed.


 
Posted by beachcomber (# 17294) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I about pissed myself over this one:


quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
She's a cheap date. Sioni. [Big Grin]

quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
Australian and has this weird idea I'm Catholic. [Confused]

Isn't that your usual line when you want to avoid using a condom?


One to remember when out on the pull.
 
Posted by Stejjie (# 13941) on :
 
From Snags on the New Frontiers thread in Purg:

quote:
I'n not sure I could cope with a life that was constantly so full of joyous excitement I had a permanent shit-eating grin welded to my face.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...and who the hell cam blame Him!

quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
My understanding is God created humankind because Jesus and the Holy Spirit kept whispering together.


 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Firenze, on the Olympic ceremonies thread in Heaven:

And continuing the note of geniality:

Why was George Osborne booed by 80,000 people at the Paralympics?

Because that's the capacity of the stadium.

 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
In Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
Originally posted by the long ranger:
Nope, get a grip and a braincell.

Please, after you. The most needy should be looked after first.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
A delightful simile by our own Kelly Alves in Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Ruth, did Pete just call you a cupcake?

That's like calling Fenris Ulf "Spot."


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I"m gonna complete that one, subheaded "Reason # 837 Why I Love Ruth":

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
(wubbawubba) Ruth, did Pete just call you a cupcake?

That's like calling Fenris Ulf "Spot."

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
Cupcakes, Kelly, cupcakes -- for my sweetness is legion.


 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
Firenze explains the differences between Western and Eastern religions:
quote:
In Olden Days the water wasn't safe to drink. In the West, they learnt to ferment it, in the East to boil it. That is why the Confucian Analects are full of things like 'The virtuous man is unfailingly polite' and the Bible of 'And lo he smit him hip and thigh and then got smote back only he missed and fell down in the place thereof and saith lewd things'.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Adeodatus on the Book of Revelation:

It's a common misconception that Revelation was written by a drunk. Actually it was written by two.

"So there's this beast, right..."
"No, there's two beasts."
"Right. So there's two beasts."
"And an angel."
"Two beasts and ... let's say some angels, 'kay?"
"And one beast's got ten heads."
"And seven horns."
"Is that the same beast?"
"Um ... no, look, it's seven heads and ten horns."
"On one beast?"
"No, there's two beasts."
"So there's seven beasts with two heads..."
"No, one beast with seven heads."
"Or ten heads."
"And two horns."
"Right. Right. No. Right, I've got it. There's some beasts, and they've got horns and heads."
"But maybe ... maybe the beasts are actually the same beast."
"So there's only one beast?"
"Yeah. No. Hang on, wait a minute...."

And so the long evening wore on.
 
Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
The ontology is willing, [but] the epistemology is weak.

MT responding to the statement that God is the final authority on anything.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
From the "Religious People Are Dumb" -Science thread:
quote:
quote:
Originally posted by Palimpsest:
quote:
Originally posted by SusanDoris:
I nod in agreement with Croesos and others of course, but I think it is quite likely that the atheist scientists might be asking, 'What one other thing is there that people have faith in for which there is zero evidence?'

Intelligence Tests?


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Multi layered, this one:
quote:
Originally posted by Below the Lansker:
Oh, great, that's all we need. The thread has been hijacked by inadequates and social misfits. Resistance is futile.

(exits to find anorak)

quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
aside to fellow posters I thought he was an anorak...

quote:
Originally posted by Bean Sidhe:
Don't be unkind, he's just looking for a soulmate.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
*&^% the Ten Commandments. This needs to be carved in the walls of all of our civic structures:


quote:
Originally posted by Alogon:
Children are obviously and unavoidably dependent on someone's paying it forward for them. If their parents cannot do it, or fail to do it adequately, then society had better find another way for it to happen unless it has a death wish.


 
Posted by Niminypiminy (# 15489) on :
 
A golden moment from LeRoc in the 'what is there to talk about, really?' thread in Purgatory
quote:


















 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Martin PC Not has started a delightful Hell call for our tender, young Mr. Betts. Martin is in rare form; Doublethink is enforcing language for comprehension; and Pyx_e is superb as usual.

Here is a sample from Martin PC Not and Ship's Biohazard:
quote:
The Fall made us ALL terrified psychopaths. No wonder we can't think. Analytical thinking is extremely hard work. What most of us think is thinking, isn't. Isn't analytical. It's experiential. Heuristic. What we do to cross the road, tie our show laces, at Tescos. In our relationships. In our development. In our inculturation. In our religion.

Science is beautiful. Really, really beautiful. I find it far more moving than most (Brit. understatement) sermons. I was moved to tears by the latest pictures of molecular bonds by IBM.

It is moral. Pure. It is our duty since Adam named the animals. It answers Pilate. Thy Word is truth.

Why does it frighten you so ? Are you a better Christian for denying it ? Are you a better Christian than those that embrace it ? What can you possibly lose by embracing it ?

Childhood ?

One fear for another.

That's not a question.


 
Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
Martin is always good value. And a lot easier to understand than some posters who use fewer smaller words.

This, is poetry:

quote:
Originally posted by Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard:
Pyx-e ... you make me laugh and cry mate. I love you easy.

Well said Mark.

You, Jamat, me in my time, those I have loved more than life itself (yeah, easy to say that) and all too many smart people who are NOT actually mentally ill, believe their beliefs.

I mean really. Believe the most bizarre, absurd nonsense more than life itself. Conspiracy theories. Lies. Without being paranoid schizophrenes. I'm a VERY simple minded early old man with the cognitive wossname that goes with that. Impairment. Although I can still ... there that's better, alter the character set of an Oracle10g database as we speak. So, I believe, like Eric Fromm I believe, that fear is the key to being human. To feeling and thinking. And a feeling is a collapsed, undifferentiated train of thought.

The Fall made us ALL terrified psychopaths. No wonder we can't think. Analytical thinking is extremely hard work. What most of us think is thinking, isn't. Isn't analytical. It's experiential. Heuristic. What we do to cross the road, tie our show laces, at Tescos. In our relationships. In our development. In our inculturation. In our religion.

Science is beautiful. Really, really beautiful. I find it far more moving than most (Brit. understatement) sermons. I was moved to tears by the latest pictures of molecular bonds by IBM.

It is moral. Pure. It is our duty since Adam named the animals. It answers Pilate. Thy Word is truth.

Why does it frighten you so ? Are you a better Christian for denying it ? Are you a better Christian than those that embrace it ? What can you possibly lose by embracing it ?

Childhood ?

One fear for another.

That's not a question.

[ETA FKG level 4.91, DT, Hellhost]


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Since I did say that Pyx_e was superb...
quote:
quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
quote:
Originally posted by Mark Betts:
@Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard:

WTF is all this about????

My interpretation: Run away and retain your naive faith.

He likes your certainty, your devoutness, your rightness. Like a moth to the flame that has burnt his mind to a frazzle he is drawn to your unbending absoluteness. He would save you the pains of being flailed (or self inflicting such wounds).

In the same way you would guard your child’s gaze from a hurtful scene on the TV so Martin reaches out and tries to place his broken palms over your sweet little eyes.

I think it’s lovely, such love for such a fool from such a mad prophet, poetic even. Me I would slam your gonads with mallet in an attempt to beat the stupid out of you. Martin gives you a vocabulary ridden poesy. He likes you.

Fly Safe, Pyx_e



 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Mousethief is not one to hide his political allegiances:

quote:
I'm not asking if we're sinful. One look at the Romney campaign confirms that. I'm asking if we have a sinful nature.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I have nothing but [Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me] to preface this one:

quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Boy, oh, boy, you know what would be a great thread? Evensong and Martin alone, going head to head, for 15 pages.

We used to chat quite a bit.

But then he realised by tag name wasn't Ship's Porno.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Also-- just a sweet little slice-of-life thng:

quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
quote:
Originally posted by infinite_monkey:
Oh my God, that tool is awesome. My end-of-relationship communication is officially 7 grades more readable than the end-of-relationship communication of the person with whom the relationship ended due to difficulty with communication!

Flesch Kincaid Grade level : 12.74

Shit on a toadstool ... if that's communication then Mitt Romney has a braincell

 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Martin PC Not has started a delightful Hell call for our tender, young Mr. Betts. Martin is in rare form; Doublethink is enforcing language for comprehension; and Pyx_e is superb as usual.

That whole thread could be achived here, and Grammatica's just adding to it:

quote:
Originally posted by Grammatica:
I've always assumed Martin PC Not's mother was frightened by the Selected Prose of Ezra Pound when she was carrying him, and therefore everything he writes comes out sounding like this.

I quote that in great love for Martin and his posts!

[ 24. September 2012, 14:51: Message edited by: Earwig ]
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Angloid in purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Angloid:
I find the whole idea of a 'scale' meaningless. I don't think I believe in 'God', either, if by that is meant a supernatural being that exists independently of everything else. I'm reminded of Francis Thompson: "Does the fish soar to find the ocean?" I believe in reality (not that I live in it all the time), and God = what is. Whatever is.

Amen.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
On the "Don't Ski on the Yellow Snow" thread currently in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Mamacita:
quote:
Originally posted by Zach82:
At least people in the UK have the consolation of knowing that their water may have once been the urine of the queen.

The Royal Wee?

 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Gosh. I've never come down here before. Rather pleased to see which of my recent efforts made the cut, 'cause I thought it was a good one at the time. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Pout) I've totally quoted you before.
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
(Pout) I've totally quoted you before.

Indeed.

And it seems I was totally on fire in April. Trying to remember what happened in April... I think that was when the university course from hell finished and I hadn't yet developed a love life.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The Zen-like acceptance of the situation is what impressed me:

quote:
Originally posted by Lord Jestocost:
quote:
Originally posted by The Revolutionist:
Given that River Song regenerated as a child in New York in 1969, might Mr and Mrs Pond end up thrown back in time and able to bring her up, giving them the parenthood they thought they'd lost?

Except that "Mel" wouldn't then been raised as a hate-crazed assassin to kill the Doctor, so wouldn't have been shot by Hitler, so wouldn't have regenerated into River, so wouldn't have met the Doctor ... and so on.

So yes, that probably is what will happen. Timey-wimey and to hell with continuity!


 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
And it seems I was totally on fire in April. Trying to remember what happened in April... I think that was when the university course from hell finished and I hadn't yet developed a love life.

Interesting, love as the death of creativity. So, I owe those who've extracted my heart with a wrecking bar, not castigation, but commission? A percentage? Might be a novel approach, though.
Hello, gorgeous, I wager you can make me rich...
 
Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
And it seems I was totally on fire in April. Trying to remember what happened in April... I think that was when the university course from hell finished and I hadn't yet developed a love life.

Interesting, love as the death of creativity. So, I owe those who've extracted my heart with a wrecking bar, not castigation, but commission? A percentage? Might be a novel approach, though.
Hello, gorgeous, I wager you can make me rich...

You rang?
 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
OK, Martin not PC & Ship's Biohazard in Hell on the thread, just because I think it's worth preserving, even though it's got a Flesch-Kincaid Grade reading level of 7.25:
quote:
Hopefully not, Jamat: why must we all believe, interpret, understand the bible like a three year old ? As I keep trying to write in this truly sublimely hellish environment (and thank you DoubleThink and my apologies again for the Stygian remarks above).

OK, to get hellish, what got me (rightfully of course) censured on Dead Horses was that I said that Mark Betts had been frightened stupid. The same applies to you (I hope that's hellish enough).

As it DOES to me.

How can a scrap of poetry on the back of a fag packet edited throughout the entire bronze age be in conflict with science?

How can science, i.e. what we KNOW using our God given senses and brains which have come up with sublime, abstract, perfect, theoretical and concretely REAL quantum mechanics; one of the foundations of creation (in which God had NO choice at all of course), how can that make God a liar ? How can God make God a liar ?

The Word does not, cannot under any circumstances contradict the MERE word which is a HUMAN construct. An artefact. A multicultural 500 year span library from humanity's early-mid childhood. No matter that the humans concerned were in relationship with God. An APPARENT killer God. With their feet planted firmly in the mire.

With you and me.

You have elevated the word ABOVE the Word. This is true, childish, utter idolatry.

So again, what are you SO terrified of ? That's rhetorical in the sense that we're ALL psychotic and reconciled to it, unaware of it since Eden.

We haven't the faintest idea how FALLEN we are.

It's obvious in other ways. You think, or rather feel or think experientially, as in how you cross the road, because you cannot analytically think about your thinking; you implicitly 'think' that if the Word contradicts the wooden word (a false dichotomy in the first place) - just like the Church confronted by Galileo - then the word is a lie and therefore the Word lies, therefore ... there is no Word. All is meaninglessness NOW and oblivion awaits NEX.....................................


Even when God WENT WITH THEIR NARRATIVE (which was Indo-European and more, if not universal) and told the Israelites that He was the God who made the world in seven days, He did NOT lie even though it's taken Him 13.6 Ga so far.

Except to you in your arrested development.

And you WON'T see this. And it is NOTHING to do with my failure of communication, except at the most sublime level as some things, most things CANNOT be communicated to someone whose disposition is seared, crushed by fear. Psychotic.

Like me.

NOTHING can shake faith. Faith is, should be, AWASH with doubt, with humanity. Jesus' was.

I'm a creationist. I'm not a Christian materialist as most of the cognoscenti here are. I do not believe that universes have always happened. I believe that God made this, first universe. I do not believe that life arose spontaneously not because it can't, but because it DIDN'T based on Fermi's EASILY falsifiable paradox - show me an exoplanet with more than trace atmospheric oxygen. I do not believe that mind can arise spontaneously, of itself, endogenously, emergently in life.

I COULD BE WRONG. All it will take is a whiff of oxygen.

I used to worry, if I was honest, with the SAME fear you have. If there have always been universes, teaming with intelligent life - us - then whither God ?

Now I just don't care. Thank GOD for that. And, in the mean time, I can STILL happily, validly, faithfully, rationally believe in God being in full relation with His creation, MORE so. The more I read Brian McLaren. DESPITE reading this prophet of the postmodern. As well as because.

I cannot under any circumstances but brain damage have a wooden understanding of Genesis. But I'm pretty lignified. I can EASILY believe that God touched down and made a perfectly smooth insertion of paradise at Eden in to the 4 Ga evolved biosphere. So smooth that our DNA fits as if we'd evolved completely. As it should if we're to survive.

But I could be wrong.

The first 15 minutes of 2001 A Space Odyssey could be more right. Or I could be REALLY wrong, and through sexual selection we ended up as neotenous, bipedal, right angle central nervous systemed, opposable thumbed, naked, beautiful, face to face love making, talking apes with inevitable self awareness.

It certainly post-hoc materialistically looks like it.

EXCEPT for Fermi's paradox. We creationists can ignore Christian materialism due to it being hoist with its own petard in that. Until we get a whiff of oxygen.

Yeah that will be scary. But I'm scared all the time any way. Of looming redundancy, unemployemnt, immobility, impotence, increasing mental illness (acute and chronic intrusive thinking) and cognitive dissonance and impairment.

But all will be well and all IS well because I'm IN God and He's with me in it. He doesn't make it go away, He CAN'T, dementia and death will, but He DOES create space around it all. He IS bigger than me.

He's bigger with you and your mental frailties, including YEC, too.

Love - Martin


 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
From the Jimmy Saville thread in Hell. Just for the sheer beauty of the imagery.

quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
Oh go fuck a train.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
comet on "Help! I've got a teenager!":
quote:
I also find it amazing that you have here a teenage boy who isn't trying to eat everything that doesn't bite back first. I just can't imagine this scenario ever happening with my son.

I feel like I live with Pacman.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Timothy the Obscure on the US thread:

quote:
The only winter fun I enjoy is sitting in a comfortable chair by a warm fire with a glass of something close at hand. Winter is Nature's way of telling you to stay indoors. And drink Port.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ouch! OUCH!

quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
[bad taste warning]

I thought to go as Sylvia Plath, but I ran out of gas.

(churchgeek pitches a potential Halloween costume on a game thread.)
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
From the "Religious Collectibles" thread in Eccles:
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
quote:
Originally posted by +Chrism:
I will be staying with some lovely sisters. While I am there I am hoping get as many religious collectibles as possible.

No, Fr Chrism - put Sister Perpetua back in her cell. You can't take her with you, she doesn't like aeroplanes and she's very elderly and doesn't want to be an anchoress ...

 
Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
Not a quote, just want to say 'bye' where most people I've had fun with will see it. God bless Circus friends, fuck those others who've pissed me off. Nite nite, sleep well.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
[tangent]I do hope your "bye" will just be a break. You're good people and you'd be missed. As for the annoying shippies that piss you off: scrolling is your friend.[/tangent]
 
Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
Sorry guys. I was pissed off and pissed - never post drunk. I'm not going anywhere. Love you all.
 
Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
And thanks, Lyda.
 
Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
* (When I say the rats are scrabbling, I mean they're making that funny scritchy noise with their claws, not going "Hey, I've got myxomatosis on a triple word score!")

(While discussing traditional views of the afterlife)
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
love this: (a little editing for clarity)
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus about BBC Radio 4:
It has the best comedy, the most erudite broadcasters, the most incisive interviewers ever to disturb an electromagnetic field. It has Toksvig, Purvis and Naughtie. It's where the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was born. It's where you can learn how to talk on any subject for a minute without hesitation, repetition or deviation. It's where you can learn everything you'll ever need to know about Hannibal, the care of begonias, or the eight favourite records of someone you'd never heard of before.

Radio 4 Extra is where you go in order to learn that your sense of humour hasn't matured at all in 35 years.

Thanks to the magic of the internet I discovered Radio 4 about 4 years ago, and Extra a few months ago. I may be late to the game, but I heartily concur. I'm a total convert.
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Although Pyx_e says this isn't original, it made me laugh so much I couldn't resist re-posting it here:

Pyx_e, in Hell

PS I apologise if I've broken any commandments by posting it as a link, rather than in full.
 
Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :
 
I'm no expert on commandments, but if the original thread were to be deleted, Pyx_e's brilliance might be lost, so:

quote:
I note somewhere in there the phrase "The cat sat on the mat."

The Church of England has discussed this matter at length:

The Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation...

How would the Church of England deal with "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They would make it an essential condition of faith that a real physical, living cat, being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a whiskered head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its whole body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, which is on the floor but not of the floor. The expression "on the floor but not of the floor" would be explained in a leaflet.

Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival of the Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was white and majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to the Great Cat Basket of Heaven. This would be commemorated by the singing of the Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times. This would cause a schism withthe Orthodox Church which would believe that tradition would require Holy Cats Day [as it would be colloquially known] to be marked by lighting six candles and ringing the bell four times. This would be partly resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration recognising the traditional validity of each.

Eventually, the House of Bishops would issue a statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain that traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped superjacent to an unattached covering on a fundamental surface. For determining its salvific and eschatological significations, it would follow the heuristic analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration Question [How much is that doggie in the window?] and the Affirmative Musaceous Paradox [Yes, we have no bananas]. And so on, for another 210 pages.

The General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource material for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of the cat sat on the mat. (All this found on web non accredited)


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I just found this funny. Gave me a smile after a trying day:

quote:
Originally posted by Ariston:
quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
A long time ago, we had Tigglet's Dating Agency. Several threads worth, as I recall.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to find any of them, just references to some of the success stories.

Do we need to resurrect TDA, Inc. under new management? The testimonials I saw seem to speak rather highly of it.

Then again, do we even have anyone qualified to run it? I can only imagine what would happen if we were to have Ariston's Love Emporium opened for business.

quote:
Worst. Date. Ever. I specifically asked for a nice guy who knew how to treat a woman, and was easy on the eyes; did they ever screw that up! If you ask me, it's a shame that such a beautiful cathedral is stuck with such a hideous creature as its bellringer.
Etc.



[ 15. October 2012, 06:14: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
From the aforementioned hell thread, posting in a long string of quotes of uncertain organization or provenance, this one sentence jumped out at me and made me laugh, Thanks, Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard
quote:
How can a scrap of poetry on the back of a fag packet edited throughout the entire bronze age be in conflict with science?

 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Jade Constable on the relationships thread in AS:

quote:
I have no problems with dating an evangelical, fwiw, I just find that they invariably mind dating someone who isn't evangelical. And I'm not. And that's not changing. I don't want to be with someone I have to hide my rosary from!

 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
In Heaven we were discussing what to do when the world ends in December (Mayan calendar, etc etc.) After I said something about spending the evening posting on the Ship...

Ariston came up with:

quote:
And meanwhile, I'll be trying to see if I can't break all ten commandments and a few implied rules in a single post.

It's either that, or try to score a last date in some bar. I know which one's probably more fun.

To which Firenze responded with this gem:

quote:
Possible chat-up line: hey, let's go up to my place and break all Ten Commandments!*

(Followed by hours of date staring glumly at the Complete Works of Aristotle at the beddes heed while Ariston hammers at his laptop).

*success could depend on a certain level of Biblical illiteracy.


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
I'm still loving Firenze's observations on the end of the world:

quote:
I just hope there's some air traffic control in place. Otherwise there could be aerial pile ups between raptured Southern Baptists and galloping Valkyries, particularly with all those spaceships dodging about trying to get their tractor beams in position.

I'm seeing a lot of people ending up in the wrong afterlife.


 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
I found this exchange funny:

quote:
long ranger: Ah, that's handy, because I'm contemplating experiencing God at the bottom of a can of beer. I guess he can fit into my expectations then.
quote:
Gamaliel: Now, now the long ranger, you should know that God cannot be found at the bottom of a CAN of beer because the stuff you find in cans is pasteurised beyond redemption and is fizzy, gassy and a poor excuse for beer.

No, real beer (and a sense of the divine) can be found in casks or in bottle-conditioned form ... although you do need to be more careful with some of the latter.

I speak as one who knows ...


 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
I found this exchange funny:

quote:
long ranger: Ah, that's handy, because I'm contemplating experiencing God at the bottom of a can of beer. I guess he can fit into my expectations then.
quote:
Gamaliel: Now, now the long ranger, you should know that God cannot be found at the bottom of a CAN of beer because the stuff you find in cans is pasteurised beyond redemption and is fizzy, gassy and a poor excuse for beer.

No, real beer (and a sense of the divine) can be found in casks or in bottle-conditioned form ... although you do need to be more careful with some of the latter.

I speak as one who knows ...


LeRoc, you have shown that to be truly funny, it is also necessary for it to be true and profound. Few things are as profound as fine beer.
 
Posted by Stejjie (# 13941) on :
 
From the "Misled by Tetzel" thread in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Charles Read:
Have you been mis-sold indulgences when you did not need them? Did the salesperson put you under undue pressure to buy? Were the terms and conditions never explained to you?

Thousands of people have successfully reclaimed their money after being sold indulgences they didn't need. Call our professional advisors now to see if you are owed money from mis-sold indulgences.


Phone Martin, Jean, Huldrych, John or Thomas today on Wittenberg 1517.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Even with a face full of Novocaine, I laughed my ass off at this:

quote:
Originally posted by Mockingale:
quote:
Originally posted by tclune:
quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
Any speculation on The Donald's big "October surprise" announcement today?

The only October surprise I want from Trump is a swan dive off Trump Tower. C'mon D, make the world a better place...

--Tom Clune

Not me. First, I stop short of willing people I dislike to commit suicide. Second, if he dies a natural death, scientists can study his brain to try to help future nutters. If he pavement-dives, they'll have to pressure-wash his brains off the avenue.

 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Stejjie - [Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]
 
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
The devil strides among us playing his usual magicians tricks. On one hand he has us incensed over some mad old dead DJ (and yet dressing our kids like porn stars) while on the other he stirs up the fires of insecurity, jealousy, fear and our longing for power by sexualising pretty much everything. We live in a morass of pornography, where self image and sex are seemingly all that matters. Where the young already raging with hormones are tortured in their heads or in the world by what they look like (or not) whether they are getting any (or not) whether they really have to do that because he says so or because everyone says they are (or not). And the sad old 40 yr old adolescents are still chasing the same bullshit they were chasing when they were 14. Where everyone is firstly and almost exclusively judged on how they look, a society of white painted sepulchres, awash inside with putrid longings and shameful guilt.

In short, the usual.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Pyx_e on priests:

quote:
Mmmmm Most priest seem to be lonely. But then most choose it, simple pride. Like they choose to be busy. And choose to get all wrapped up in their way of doing religion to others (and themselves).

So let’s be clear: Other professions/vocations that have a demanding pastoral element; nurse. teacher, fire fighter, police officer. What is the big difference between being a priest and them. Mostly it is the lack of “water-cooler” moments those frequent times during the day when you sit down in the station, staff room or canteen and get it off your chest. Those constant moments of interaction with colleagues and friends where they notice you are having a bad day or that incident really hit you and in simple human compassion make space for you to de-compress, pray, tell a joke, cry, smoke, implore the Buddha or whatever works for you.

No priest have none of that. We may have to go from a funeral to a school assembly and onto a Council meeting all without any real space and always having to be the “professional Christian” and all that entails, mostly seemingly – being nice.

It’s easy for a day even a week but after 20 years it is the most exquisite torture, in which grace is that glass of water held just out of reach while you die of thirst.

Of course we have our retreats and our staff meetings and our chapters. Which so often are little more than “Bitch and Boast” sessions. Where, lest we show have broken we are, we whinge about our Bishops and boast (often with our fingers crossed) about our latest success. Everyone listening and hating it because our vocation keeps reminding us “it shall not be so among you” but we cannot help it because we have to be so fucking competent and so fucking together and so fucking right all the fucking time.

Woe to you who are to proud to ask for help, woe to you who wrap yourself in your cursed good works and busyness, woe to you who have forgone a relationship with your loving Father for the sake of hoping that “being a good priest” will salve your freakish insecurity AND win you a place in heaven. Woe. Woe to you who believe your hard work is foundation enough for Christ’s church.

Right next to you, right now in the parish next door another priest is feeling exactly like you do. Maybe if you asked for help, cried a bit more, really prayed a bit more, told your story a bit more you might not only save yourself but her.

And God only knows what endless bullshit we are putting our congregations through.

Lord Jesus Christ have Mercy on me a Sinner.

After which, Alogon said:
I'd like to propose Pyx_e for canonisation.

Picture, if you will, the scene.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...and we just keep attracting more cool people:

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
quote:
Originally posted by Haydee:
(The best occasion was when a cleaner in some public toilets asked me if they were my daughters. I said yes. She then asked me if their father was black, trying to work out how a white woman could have black children. I told her both their fathers are black. Her eyes nearly burst out of her head, and I had a little snigger to myself…)

You are evil.

I like you.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
PATDYS on the loneliness of being a priest thread:

I think the loneliness represents that of all humankind. We are all able to develop relationships outside of our sphere of action where we can bitch....pastorally discuss and debrief. It is the same for every person in every role. But we are not good at relationship. We are not good at love. We are too proud, too important and too broken. And others have not earned our love and trust. So instead, we develop electronic relationship and hide behind pixels. We find it safer to talk across the world, even though experience shows us it is not.

Our friends die from sepsis, from cancer, from birth, from suicide, from pain. And yet it remains easier than real life. Christ showed us how to live. How to fight, how to love, how to live in community. And we are afraid. Priest or pagan, doc or diseased, sinner or sai-self deluded, we are afraid to love. Because it hurts . Life is lonely.

But the joy I see in the church, the hope and the transformation is in the hints, the promise, the possibility of love. So as a priest, as an example, have the courage to love, to be hurt and broken. And allow me to walk along side and share in the richness of that life.

And at times I will let you down and crucify you too...

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
IngoB and the Prots are having at in Purg. As usual. But I found a warm spot in my heart for IngoB's defense of the Holy Mother:
quote:
Now the deal is simply this: benighted Catholics are talking out of their arses about many, many issues of Catholic faith. But not about the BVM. That's not doctrine. That's visceral. The old ladies arranging the flowers will spank you if you mess with her. It's not done. In a way it's even closer to the bone than Christ. Jesus is God, He's a big boy, He can handle Himself. Mary is not. She's a pregnant girl. She is a desperate mum. She gets this whole salvation business dumped on her and deals. She's us. Mess with her, mess with us.
Amen. [Angel]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
And another pithy comment by ken on the "Schismatics" thread:
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by no prophet:
I always wondered what to the RC church when it was headquartered in Avignon. And how it was that 2 or 3 popes were simultaneously infallible and infallibly fighting each other.

Its quantum infallibility. You can't know its exact position and velocity.
[Snigger]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Doc Tor, in a recent Purg thread about anti-semitism which reached the shocking, revelatory conclusion that some anti-Zionists are anti-semitic:

Next week on Stating the Bleeding Obvious, the Pope caught on camera celebrating Mass, and Bears: is there an arboreal-scatalogical connection?
 
Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 
Albertus, responding to a post about Jesus 'striding on the quarterdeck and playing with a straight bat'

quote:
Tricky place to play cricket, of course- you wouldn't get any decent bounce off of the deck, unless I suppose you put down matting. I suppose it might be possible to erect a practice net on a quarterdeck- and (assumes Alan-Bennett-type vicar voice) who is to say that that is not what our Lord indeed did? Have we considered the possibility that when He found James and John mending their nets, it was not fishing nets that they were mending, but cricket nets? I like to think of those two as a sort of apostolic Bedser twins, going out to the wicket under the instructions of their captain, part of that greater team- a full eleven plus a twelfth man who, alas, so sadly let them down in the end - which... (contd v94).

 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
quote:
Doc Tor, via mousethief: Bears: is there an arboreal-scatalogical connection?
I admit that I had to look up 'scatalogical' before the penny dropped!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The thing I love about Moo is she's so pragmatic:

quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
quote:
Originally posted by balaam:
TICTH this pillock, and any other twat who would give class-A drugs to children.

I agree it is heinous, but I'm also flabbergasted that he would give away something so valuable. I wonder if he was high when he did it.

Moo


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Posted by Soror Magna in the 2012 U.S. election thread:

quote:
President Obama, like every other President, placed his hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution, not the other way around.

 
Posted by Alwyn (# 4380) on :
 
This gem is from Circuit Rider on 'It's Saturday Morning - here they come' in Purgatory.

quote:
Originally posted by Circuit Rider:
I heard a story about a woman who was visited several Saturdays in a row by JWs, two women, handing out literature and talking their doctrine.

One Saturday the woman decided she had had enough, and prepared for them. Sure enough, at the time she had been visited before, the doorbell rang.

Opening the door she saw two different women, but they had literature in their hand, so they were welcomed in. "Before we start," she said, "I want us to do something." She faced an American flag she had placed in her living room and said the pledge of allegiance. Then she sang the national anthem, "Star Spangled Banner." When she finished she invited her guests to sit down and said, "Now, how can I help you?"

One of the women visitors, clearly shocked and amazed, said, "In all my years of selling Avon I have never had this happen."

That's brilliant [Killing me]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Porridge, in the latest "criticising Israel is de facto anti-Semitism" thread:

quote:
Is it too much to hope that a thread going round in circles is also circling the drain?

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
daronmedway:
quote:
I'm positively incandescent with mild pique.
Funniest thing this boy has said in quite a while. And following up an earnest complaint in Hell, too. Huzzah! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The Ship closed for a while, and whole new worlds opened for some of us:

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
I read a book. It was weird. There were pieces of paper, all bound up together. They had words on. It didn't have a keyboard. I guess it was a bit like using a Kindle, only fatter and heavier, and without a search facility.



[ 05. November 2012, 08:52: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
[Killing me] At the last sentence about the Kindle. That's gold.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Tell me at some point you haven't held a book in your hand and grumbled, "Why can't I just hit 'search'!"
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Goodness me. I'm on record as having an issue with Martin's cryptic style at times, but this is the best summary of the last 65-odd years of Israeli history I can think of.

quote:
Originally posted by Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard:
Israel is OUR abused child grown up in our abusive image.



[ 06. November 2012, 21:41: Message edited by: orfeo ]
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
Chorister really gave me a chuckle with this helpful hint on the 'Helpful Hand' thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Process in facing backwards, with your hymn book held upside down. Soon it will all begin to make sense.
(I swear there are some people in my choir who do this all the time [Ultra confused] )


 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Adeodatus on the Archbishop Welby thread:

quote:
Not just biblical. The great St Ambrose went from catechumen to Bishop of Milan in just over a week. I'm really just imagining the Crown Appointments committee sitting round a table, throwing the names of bishops into baskets marked "Too Old", "Too Catholic", "Too Mad" ...
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by ArachnidinElmet (# 17346) on :
 
IngoB on the Pax Christi thread in Purgatory
quote:
I think violence, like poverty, will always be with us. We often think of the poor from the perspective of the rich, i.e., they are a convenient opportunity for our charity. But the poor themselves often cannot do other than being poor, and they have to hope for better times. Yet I do not think that the Lord smiles more on the rich than on the poor. So perhaps we can see in this how it is with physical violence. Perhaps we should see ourselves as rich in peace now. Sixty years ago, our parents and grandparents were poor in peace. And most of them did not know how to escape being poor in peace, and had to hope for better times, when the fighting would somehow come to an end. We should regret this, deeply, as with poverty. But we should be careful what and whom we are condemning in this. Perhaps a better question is why we now, so rich in peace, see fit to deprive other people of peace so much. Why are our armies so active, why do our weapon foundries make so much money?
A thing of beauty. [Overused]
 
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
Sine Nomine on "Dogpiling in Hell."

quote:
I commented to a friend "It's not mean if it's true."

She responded: "It's especially mean if it's true."


 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
This may only be appreciated by Mornington Crescent aficionados but this by Karl:Liberal Backslider is glorious:

quote:
I think, sir, that if you are going to try the Leamington Spa nonsense here, we'd be better off discussing it in the Hot Place.

Goodge Street

As you know, and choose to conveniently forget, the Dronfield Variations are completely independent of the Leamington Spa Schism, and occurred before that particular shameful incident burst onto our screens. As was pointed out at the time that the Leamington Spa Mafia started bleating their nonsense, the adoption of their ridiculous ideas would lead to reverse shunts losing their entire raison d'etre outside the very lowest levels of the game. We thought we meant "easiest", but it turns out that the change was supported by the "lowest" levels of the game in more ways than one.

This should be all ancient history by now, and would be, were it not for the wooden-brained bleating from some die-hard idiots who neither understood the implications of their proposed revisions, nor cared sufficiently for the game to understand their ramifications.

It's hardly surprising that some of us feel very strongly about this, especially those of us with ties to the Coal Aston Crescentites, as alluded to earlier.

Your move.

I particularly like "The Leamington Spa Mafia"

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
A fair and sensible summary from Gamaliel:

As to what the HTB background will mean ... I'm not sure it'll make a great deal of discernible difference in Welby's case in that he clearly gets on well with people of other traditions and is comfortable with different styles of worship. An HTB background may certainly incline him in a broad evangelical direction but I don't think it'd lead to him tearing out altar screens and replacing them with platforms for worship bands ...

HTB comes in for a lot of stick - and I often mete it out myself - but I don't consider it any kind of impediment in Welby's case ... at least, not at the moment I don't.

To give the evangelicals their due, at their best they bring enthusiasm, enterprise and organisational ability to the table. I wouldn't want to see a CofE that was exclusively evangelical and where only the HTB-look-alikes thrive, but the onus is on the liberal catholics, Anglo-Catholics and MoR people to get their house in order. I know 'success' isn't measurable in 'worldly terms' and in numbers, the size of the collection plate and so on ... still less in managerialism and slick marketing and so forth. But I don't object to aspects of the evo/HTB style approach ... provided it's tempered by other influences and emphases.

 
Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Nothing to add to this one:
quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:
We're talking about blokes who dress in cassocks, wear pectoral crosses, carry crooks around with them and have funny patterned pointy hats, and we're discussing whether looking odd is an impediment to the job?


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Yup.

To me, it's up to people who hate dogpiles to suck it up, be brave, and express your opinions. Suggestion: Show me, don't tell me. Have something more substantial to say than "You guys are vicious" or "This looks like a dogpile."

SO: Hellcaller "Kelly, your constant defense of the use of teabags tells me you are a knuckle dragging sloth who should be institutionalized for the benefit of the human race.Your mother must be ashamed of having given birth to you. Your cat wears combat boots."

(Crazy-ass pile-on ensues. People are obviously trying to top each other.)

(Wrong way)Protester: "You guys are getting out of hand.Don't be so mean." (Wrong way)

(Right way)Protester: "OPer, how in the hell exactly does it break your ass if Kelly uses teabags? Does she sneak into your house at night and stuff your loose Earl Grey into tiny little silk sacks? Honestly, your frothing rage about the issue suggests a pitiable level of fragility."

Good advice, self-deprecating in a good way, and funny to boot. How could it not be quote-worthy.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I figured the only sure way not to piss anyone off was to use my own name. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by claret10 (# 16341) on :
 
Thought this a great definition and needs preserving. (well it made me smile on a grey day)
quote:
Alienfromzog in hell:

*Definition of 'Pseudo-Troll' from the ZED
quote:


Pseudo-Troll n. A pseudo-troll is one who displays troll-like posting but unlike the true-troll lacks the wit and insight to realise how provocative their posts are. Whilst a true-troll will post in order to generate responses for their own entertainment, a pseudo-troll seems to actually believe their ridiculous pronouncements.

The main danger of the pseudo-troll is that the correct response is unclear. Everyone knows that starvation is the way to treat a true-troll as in the great maxim Don't feed the troll - indeed in the Good Old Days™ feeding a troll would usually result in an Alligator bite to one's legs. It seems a pseudo-troll needs to be slapped down to stop them spreading their misinformed views.





 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Pyx_e in Hell:

"TICTH Churchmanship. I am sick of it. All this endless petty meandering, wittering and pontificating about evangelicals, Catholics, liberals, post modern liberals, orthodox, atheists, Anglicans and whatever flavour is floating your boat this year. It absolutely makes me puke. Do you think there is one little part of God’s eternal kingdom where He gives a monkeys about what camp you want to belonging.

Can you not see that all you are doing is creating a boundary to keep you safe that does the exact opposite. You create these walls of Jericho not to worship God better or draw closer to Him but to create a safe little territory and a safe little God. You neuter Aslan, put a little collar around his neck with a bell on it and hope to Allah he never Roars.

I’m not saying that whatever you are is a bad thing (in my instance liberal Anglo-Catholic with charismatic leanings). I’m just saying that to pretend it is the ONLY thing, or pretend that it is enough, is a type of wilful spiritual blindness that speaks little of your or mine baptismal and conformational promises. We bleat on about loving the Lord our God yet we are little more than moths round aflame. Pretending that we are holy because we can see the light (whilst never letting it refine us) and that the candle we orbit with such ferocity is the only candle.

Your crushing desire to be right makes you wrong. It is not wrong to know what you like and worship God in a way that suits you psychologically, emotionally and spiritually but please can we stop pretending that just because what you do is good there is not more which could make your relationship with God better. I’m not asking you to give up what you are (in fact I’m asking you to celebrate more fully what you are in your community) but I am asking for a degree of willingness to grow and change, to know the limitations of where you find yourself, to stop criticising others who do it differently and to recognise that the kingdom is near and may actually be found not in doing what you have done for the last 20 years or in adhering to petty and unfulfilling labels.

In the end churchmanship, is in my opinion, barely helpful and in pretty much every instance I have ever come across wicked. It labels, categorises and stigmatises. A high tower to throw rocks from, screw that.

Fly Safe Pyx_e"

If the ABC-designate is reading, I reckon that's better advice than he'll hear from many quarters.
 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
Not for the first time, I find myself wishing Pyx_e was my parish priest.
 
Posted by Mary LA (# 17040) on :
 
Me too. A magnificent rant.
 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
This just tickled my newfound ecclesiantickle (hahaha) fancy.Fron Somerset newbie latecomer:

quote:
This month's family service falls on our patronal festival - St Catherine of Alexandria. Does anyone have any good resources to help make St C a suitable subject for very young children? I'm not sure torture and mystical marriage will work too well!


[ 12. November 2012, 07:19: Message edited by: Zappa ]
 
Posted by alienfromzog (# 5327) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
Pyx_e in Hell:

"TICTH Churchmanship.
Fly Safe Pyx_e"

[Overused] [Overused] [Overused]

As St Adrian of Plass put it, demoninations is an anagram of Not Made in Sion.

AFZ
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
AFZ - I love demoninations - I hope you don't mind if I use it in future but possibly written as demon-inations.
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by birdie:
Not for the first time, I find myself wishing Pyx_e was my parish priest.

Be careful what you wish for.
 
Posted by FooloftheShip (# 15579) on :
 
Peace be unto you all, and let life commence.
Kelly Alves Admin


It's remarkable how little some people learn, even our saintly admins!
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Not sure quite what you meant by that, Fool of the Ship, but hope you weren't being derogatory.
 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
quote:
Originally posted by birdie:
Not for the first time, I find myself wishing Pyx_e was my parish priest.

Be careful what you wish for.
Oh, I am.
 
Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :
 
Doublethink on the Eccles Fresh Expressions thread, for this perfect advanced exemplar of the fine art of passive aggression:

quote:
I love being ignored, it gives me a warm fluffy feeling all over.


 
Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
Thank Firenze for an intriguing use of initial letters:

quote:
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by jedijudy:

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Firenze:
Bit stymied by the lack of any herb or spice beginning in 'u'.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One could use Una de Gato (a/k/a Cat's Claw) in the 'U' position!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fennel seed, cumin, kalonji, oregano and a couple of jars of fenugreek it is then.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Piss-taking can be so much more brutal that ranting.

Exhibit A:

quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
TAXKCDFT:

http://xkcd.com/481/


[EDIT: For those who are not mindreaders, Karl is helpfully providing you with a link to an item from the webcomic called XKCD, which is suggesting that people don't pay attention to the content of their Youtube comments. We are still researching what on earth the first 8 letters of this post are supposed to convey, but we provide you with this helpful editorial so that you know that Karl's account has not in fact been taken over by a spambot.]

[orfeo applied the Edit on Karl's post.]

[ 20. November 2012, 06:49: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by hatless:
If it was just environment and natural selection I think we would see forms intermediate between a kittiwake and a blackbird, but we don't. There are gulls and there are thrushes. It looks to me as if the genotypes struggle to come up with variation. Gulls seem to be stuck with being large, white and grey, and eating fish and chips.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
quote:
Originally posted by fletcher christian:
I know this is possibly something of a tangent, but it's in the same vein....
Every RC shack here wheels out red for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I've never quite understood it and when I asked about it I was told it was to do with the blood of the martyrs which to be honest, confused me even more! Can anyone enlighten me?

That was the after the fact pious reasoning. The real reason is to look like Father Christmas.
It's not often something in Ecclesiantics will make me laugh out loud, but this exchange between fletcher christian and Karl: Liberal Backslider gave me a good dose of seasonal cheer.
 
Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Piss-taking can be so much more brutal that ranting.

Exhibit A:

quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
TAXKCDFT:

http://xkcd.com/481/


[EDIT: For those who are not mindreaders, Karl is helpfully providing you with a link to an item from the webcomic called XKCD, which is suggesting that people don't pay attention to the content of their Youtube comments. We are still researching what on earth the first 8 letters of this post are supposed to convey, but we provide you with this helpful editorial so that you know that Karl's account has not in fact been taken over by a spambot.]

[orfeo applied the Edit on Karl's post.]
I had laboured under the misapprehension that There's An XKCD For That had entered the mainstream.
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
I had laboured under the misapprehension that There's An XKCD For That had entered the mainstream.

You have revealed your Dorkitude. When they come for you, they shall cut your internet access first. Be Warned.
 
Posted by Drifting Star (# 12799) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
I had laboured under the misapprehension that There's An XKCD For That had entered the mainstream.

You have revealed your Dorkitude. When they come for you, they shall cut your internet access first. Be Warned.
And when they come for us we will all point them toward you.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Karl just became eversomuch more awesome in my eyes just now.

(AHEM!) back to Quotes!
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
Posted by Ken

quote:
Leo - who is a as liberal as a wet blanket in a handcrafted macrame washing basket in the moderately syncretic self-criticism wing of the National Liberal Moderate's Club's annual trip to Somewhere Nice in the Middle of the Road

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The reason for the season:

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
On the first day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
One giant sluuuuuuug

On the second day of Christmas
my true love sent to me
Two Spanish language courses
And a giant slug

On the third day of Christmas
My true love sent to me
Three pieces of liquorice
Two Spanish language courses
And a giant slug

On the fourth day of Christmas
My true love was arrested
He got four policemen
Three restraining orders
Two ASBOs and a curfew
And I returned
Three pieces of liquorice
Two Spanish language courses
And a giant sluuuuuug.


 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by fletcher christian:
posted by Spigot:

quote:

Personally I hate Christmas and ignore it as much as possible.

{much smoke invades the board}
Three ghosts shall haunt you this night Mr Scroo...I mean Mr Spigot. The first will be the ghost of cultural relevance whom you may try to escape, but resistance is futile. The second will be the ghost of the merry Christian who will sing carols as you burn him and who will churn your stomach with a gut wrenching nausea as he gives his final rendition of 'Away In A Manger'. The final visitation shall be worse than the last (recall someone else saying that once) and the ghost of what every atheist knows will come to tell you life is short my friend - better just get on with letting the elves and fairies sprinkle glitter in your hair and think warm and fluffy things before you go out with a bang. Otherwise you might miss stuffing your face and all those parties, and who could resist a little light in these dark days?
{much noise of snapping crackers and that gawd awful Slade tune}


 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Crœsos:
If penis-having is the critical component to priesthood, why not whip out the Holy Wang during services? You know, to more accurately symbolize and represent the maleness of God.

[Smile] [Overused]
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Seconded, Boogie.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
HOLY SHIT! Score, Boogie! [Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I am really digging Louise's sig:


quote:

"Making misogyny unacceptable is important because it's entry level human decency" - Commenter on computer gaming thread

I posted it as my facebook status-- with references-- because this one really needs to go viral.

[ 27. November 2012, 22:54: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
HOLY SHIT! Score, Boogie! [Overused]

Perhaps I'm digressing from quotes, but is that how to score? Bloody hell ... can I flop the digit on Sunday?
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The score I was referring to was Boogie catching a great quote. Having said that, I firmly believe in a minister following the lead of the Spirit in such matters--propriety be damned.
 
Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
Ah, but what state should the appendage be in at that moment? Eager anticipation or mere apathy?

Should it be dressed for the occasion? Do any ribbons or other appurtenances have to be in seasonal colours?
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
HEAVEN.

Back to quotes, people!

(Sorry, Circus Hosts. [Hot and Hormonal] )

[ 28. November 2012, 17:39: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
quote:
a quote from Horseman Bree:
Ah, but what state should the appendage be in at that moment? Eager anticipation or mere apathy?

Should it be dressed for the occasion? Do any ribbons or other appurtenances have to be in seasonal colours?

[Killing me] [Snigger]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
HEAVEN.

Back to quotes, people!

(Sorry, Circus Hosts. [Hot and Hormonal] )


 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
Ducks in The Nile

The scene: a conference room overlooking the Nile (a river in Egypt). The MANAGER is standing near an easel with a board on it. A cloth is covering the board. Several members of a work crew are entering the room.

MANAGER: Come in, come in. Take a seat.
The crew get themselves settled

MANAGER: Right, thanks for coming everyone. Now, as you know, it’s been our tradition in this town for many, many years to place a giant replica of a duck in the Nile at this time of year. It’s a longstanding Egyptian tradition.

Heads nod.

MANAGER: However, the nature of our town is changing. We are now a multicultural society. And the management committee has felt that we need to reflect that, and recognize that there are other sorts of birds that have meaning for other cultures around us.

The MANAGER consults his notes.

MANAGER: The Nubians are very fond of parrots. The Sumerians have a special association with hawks. The Libyans who’ve come here liked the duck thing, and have adopted some of the ideas but they use a chicken instead. And some of our immigrants from further afield have a festival at this time of year that involves a bird called a… penguin. Yes, a penguin.

The MANAGER looks very satisfied with himself for understanding what a penguin is.

MANAGER: So, the management committee has decided that we are going to be more inclusive, and from now on we will put a non-specific bird in the river, so as not to alienate those members of our community for whom an emphasis on ducks might be offensive. I’ve asked you here to show you the design for this year’s bird.

The MANAGER removes the cloth from the board. There is a second of silence, and then a CREWMAN speaks up.

CREWMAN: It’s a duck.

MANAGER: It’s a bird.

CREWMAN: It’s a duck.

MANAGER: It’s a bird.

CREWMAN: I can see it’s a bird. I can even tell you what kind of bird it is. A duck.

MANAGER: It is not a duck. The management committee were quite clear in their decision that it would be inappropriate to continue to put a duck on the Nile, so we are having a bird instead.

CREWMAN: Then why does it look exactly like a duck?

MANAGER: What? No it doesn’t! It’s clearly a bird. Look, there’s the wings, the legs… everything you’d expect to find on a bird.

CREWMAN: It looks exactly the same as last year’s duck design.

MANAGER: Yes, okay, to a layman I suppose there’s a certain resemblance…

CREWMAN: It’s identical.

MANAGER: …but let me be clear about this. This is a non-specific bird. It represents all the different kinds of birds. Parrots and hawks and chickens and penguins.

CREWMAN: It doesn’t look anything like a parrot.

MANAGER: It’s got wings, hasn’t it?

CREWMAN: That doesn’t make it a parrot.

MANAGER: It’s not supposed to BE a parrot. It’s supposed to be a bird. One that all bird lovers can appreciate and enjoy. We’re trying to update our traditions.

CREWMAN: Then why did you stick with a duck?

MANAGER: You cannot call it a duck! It’s very important we don’t call it a duck! You might offend people who aren’t into ducks!

CREWMAN: Won’t they be more offended that you think they’re stupid enough to not realize it’s a duck?

MANAGER: IT’S NOT A DUCK!

CREWMAN: It certainly looks like one.

MANAGER: NO IT DOESN’T! IT LOOKS LIKE A BIRD!! ANY RESEMBLANCE TO A DUCK IS JUST A COINCIDENCE!! WE ARE NOT PUTTING A DUCK IN THE NILE!!

Lights.

[Big Grin] [Overused]
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
When someone can take not one, but... golly, about three references - to its own thread, and the thread on an entirely different board that it span off from, and popular culture - and wrap it all in a one-liner, it needs preserving.

So hats off for the genius of this effort from The Machine Elf. Linked for context (as the context is important), but reproduced below as well:

quote:
Originally posted by The Machine Elf:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

Here is a color scheme that expresses both the richness of our christian heritage and the Joy of the Lord as expressed in sheer gratitude for color.

And you notice there is a shepherdess watching her flocks by night...
Not with a wang but a wimple.

 
Posted by Scots lass (# 2699) on :
 
Mudfrog, answering "Who is bigger, Jesus or God?" here, spotted whilst I lurked about in Purgatory being too frivolous to post:
quote:
Tell him that God is so big that Jesus is God made little so we can see him

 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Oh yes, I'm glad someone decided to preserve that one. A moment of Mudfrog brilliance.
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
From RuthW:

quote:
Just because you have your panties in a twist doesn't mean you're being bullied.

 
Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
Thankyou.

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Hi!

Fun fact: I've never actually been called to Hell before!
I suppose that for the longest time it hardly seemed necessary since I essentially lived here. It has always felt like something I had missed out on. Honestly, there might be tears.

So, Kelly: Fun fact #2 is that I'm also a weeper. Over stupid shit too; I bawled my eyes out when the Enterprise blew up in The Search For Spock. Actually, it's possible that my tendency to tear up, and others finding that amusing during my formative years, is a contributing factor to my general hatred for people.

Which brings me to Patdys' question. Why do I volunteer time on a discussion board if I'm really a misanthrope? First, let me assure you that the misanthrope angle is not a fabrication. Nevertheless, I really value discourse and debate, especially with people who communicate well. And you have to admit, there's some great communication going on about these boards. Not all of it, of course. But enough. More than most settings. I'm glad to be here. Working to keep the Ship afloat feels a lot like raking compost to fertilize blossoms of understanding and expression.

And you're not far off the mark in weighing the people I love here versus the rest. I'll volunteer here until I'm too senile to type if only to help create a space for one more brilliant fork story from Sine Nomine, or one more patiently tender reprimand from Grits, or one more bravely honest comment from Kelly, or one more squamous and rugose sighting of tomb's snark, or one more laser-sharp insight from RuthW. Hell, I'd work here to just see what crazy-ass concept for/about the Ship IngoB and Yorick will come up with next, or for one more it-hurts-but-maybe-he's-right barb from Pyx_e, or to see Tortuf powder his avuncular wig yet again, or hear comet break into a blood-curdling scream. Not to mention that this place I tend helps me give tribute to people grew to know and love here: KenWritez, Erin, jlg.

TL:DR - It's all about me. Fuck you.

Which, uh, brings me to Jonah the Whale: You're kind of right, man. I can be an insensitive git. I think that being right is the best tactic on most fora, including Hell. It's good to call people on being insensitive and being a git.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Tortuf, on the subject of a woman with chutzpah being said to have balls:

quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
You may have a greater knowledge of anatomy than I, but last I checked, females don't have balls, except of course as pets.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
A brief discussion of group dynamics:

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I think it's... well... some crazy-ass petri dish of human nature cultivating.

And clearly, over this weekend someone added some crazy-ass nutrients to the crazy-ass petri dish, because the whole place has gone completely bonkers.

Not enough sedatives in the communion wine this week.


 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead
And at least some here say that belief system teaches that an omnipotent, all-loving creator of all things knows that [a non-believer] will spend all eternity in the fires of hell because he didn't pay enough attention to a dead Jew on a stick. Now that's offensive.

Thought this deserved preserving.

Substitution inside the brackets mine.
 
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
If we flew Anselmina to every seminary in the world just to say this paragraph, it would be a good use of money:

quote:

Perfection isn't required; Damascan Road experiences, neither. A fabulous theologian might be fatal in a sensitive pastoral situation, and a talented evangelist useless in leading a parish. But persistence, obedience, self-effacement and an eye for practical details however go a long way towards the ordinary day to day slog of parish priesthood.


 
Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
IngoB sums up my three years in grad school studying metaphysics:

quote:
Concentrating a laser-like focus of super-human attention on matters nobody in their right mind could possibly give a shit about has always the point of Aspergers-R-Us, i.e., the academe.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Archived because of its odd theological correctness:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by Bob Two-Owls:
You leave my fortress of solitude out of this. My one remaining pleasure in life is an early day motion while smoking my pipe and listening to the jays coughing on the roof.

I've asked and God thinks this is bit TMI. Jesus was seen sniggering behind his hand, though.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Pyx_e's like our version of John the Baptist.

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:


Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
When other people walk into a church with a looming crucifix, how do they describe what they see?

Look what he did for RooK.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
[Overused]
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Firenze provided me with a precious mental image:

quote:
I've had a peek at the crew Christmas Tree (just a glimpse; Jedijudy normally barricades the door on 1 December and all you can hear for weeks is the sound of ripping tinsel and swearing)

 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I read this little snippet from Anselmina this morning on the vocations thread in AS and think it is well worth preserving:

quote:
...but God likes to confound our limited ideas of what he can enable us to achieve for him.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
K:LB on the Circus game, The Church of England General Synod have banned Christmas because...

An obscure bunch of neo-Puritans objects to the observance and alternative non-Christmas observing episcopal oversight cannot be adequately arranged to ensure they never have to have contact with a bishop who's ever dressed up as Father Christmas or eaten a plum duff.
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Somewhere in Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
quote:
That's truly the oddest post I've read in a while.
That is because you are (thanks to the Ship) a world renowned idiot.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Lamb Chopped provides the chorus for the oratio that is RooK's Hell Call:

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Orfeo's right. Every last one of you has gone completely batshit insane.

All we, like freaks
(All we, like freaks)
Have gone in-SA--A-A-ANE
Have gone IN-SA--AY-AY-ANE
have gone in-sa-ay-ay--ay-ay-ay-AY-ay-ay-ay-ane...
And the Ship hath laid on RooK the iniquity of us all.



[ 05. December 2012, 18:43: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by St. Stephen the Stoned (# 9841) on :
 
Chorister answers RooK's question:

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
When other people walk into a church with a looming crucifix, how do they describe what they see?

and encapsulates many people's reaction to RooK's earlier remark about a DJOAS.

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
rood

Wish I'd thought of it.
 
Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
This comment from pjl has already caused much merriment on the "How did you come to be on The Ship" thread in Heaven, but it deserves to be preserved to cause future generations much joy:

quote:
Noticing everybody on here was sane, rational and logical, I signed up.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Tom Clune in the latest "Oh My God There's A War On Christmas" thread:

quote:
Originally posted by tclune:
quote:
What is it, The Holiday that Dare Not Speak its Name?
Seems to me more like the holiday that can't shut up.

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
From the same thread, this excellent exchange:

quote:
Originally posted by Lord Jestocost:
quote:
Originally posted by fletcher christian:
I was totally gutted that McD's didn't have a dawili burger and KFC didn't have a ramadam bucket. Boycotted them ever since.

Is that a bucket that only opens between sunset and sunrise?

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Can't believe I missed this:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
I wish someone would involve me in a masturbatory exercise.

If you've not been getting enough masturbatory exercise, you've only yourself to blame.
One one hand, you are correct.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
IngoB:
quote:
I've given up ridiculing Protestants for their solas for Advent.

[Big Grin] A worthy discipline. It would be nice if the more pugnacious prots would match it on Catholic "works".
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Need to quotes file this.

In response to a comment which seemed to suggest a poster was being picked on.

quote:

Originally posted by Orfeo
You say this as if the hunters all cruelly targeted the same poor little Bambi with their arrows.

Instead of Bambi strapping on a magnet the likes of which you've never seen, donning fluorescent orange pants and crying "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME" at the top of his lungs while prancing across the forest clearing.


 
Posted by snowgoose (# 4394) on :
 
On the "The Atheist Canon" thread:

quote:
Originally posted by tclune:
quote:
Originally posted by George Spigot:
quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:
Once you get a canon you can start defining heretics.

[Confused] Heretics against what?
Clearly, atheistic heretics are those who refuse to believe in the existence of the wrong god...

--Tom Clune


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Of the many comments on the school shooting, this is one of my favourites:

quote:
Originally posted by ToujoursDan:
Hijackers crash planes into buildings killing 3,000 Americans and this country changes air regulations,develops new screening technology, increases domestic and international intelligence and goes to the ends of the earth to try to prevent it from happening again. 12,000 Americans are murdered by guns annually and "There's nothing we can do. Someone will slip through the cracks and do it again. People are just bad."

[Roll Eyes]


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
A lovely undercut:

quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:
quote:
Originally posted by Matt Black:
No! I am the Hetero-Overlord: all look at me and despair!

I bet you get all the despairing looks.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Killing me] GOLD!
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Posted by Gamaliel in Purg.
By the way, xxx, your PM box is full so I can't even insult you in private ...
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
As George Takei would say, Oh myyyyy...

quote:
Originally posted by somebody:
Hey Mad Cat, I'm in love with me too, but it's not working out.

quote:
Riposte by Tortuf:
Use your left hand.


 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
leo responding to one of Hairy Biker's explanations for divorce:

quote:
Originally posted by leo:
quote:
Originally posted by Hairy Biker:
to farting in bed

Then who can be saved?

 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Martin PC Not on the "I have a picture..." thread:

quote:
There IS baby, but the bathwater is oceanic.

 
Posted by Angloid (# 159) on :
 
From IngoB, in Purgatory, on trivialising the Eucharist:
quote:

And when these [understandings] are lacking, then we approach the Lion of Judah with "here, kitty, kitty, kitty, ..." on our lips.
IngoB


 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:
Perhaps it would be equally useful to ask why you would need to call a Scotsman "Jock", or refer to the Chinese restaurant as "Chinky's". I can't imagine it's meant as a term of affection. If you don't know an individual well enough to use their name, you don't know them well enough to refer to them by a term they would not find complimentary.

I've always found it a bit hard to fathom why anyone would want to "rescue" these words and make them more generally acceptable. You can accuse me of being "politically correct" if you wish, but there really isn't anything political about it--it's simple good manners. "Politically incorrect" is usually just a term to justify rudeness.

However, if I can have apple pie for breakfast every morning you are more than welcome to call me a Yankee.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
love this exchange, from Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Mudfrog:
... and the Pharisee lifted his eyes to heaven (as he walked out of the Minster) saying, I thank thee O God that I am not like that sinner over there at the lecturn...

quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
'And verily the Gamaliel looked across at Brother Oscar and did lift his eyes unto heaven, saying, "I thank Thee oh Lord, that I am not a Pharisee like Brother Oscar."

Whereupon Major Mudfrog walked into the Minster and seeing Brother Gamaliel, Brother Oscar and all the other Pharisees there assembled did lift up his eyes even unto the heavens, saying, "I thank Thee oh Lord, that I am not a Pharisee like Brother Gamaliel and Brother Oscar ..."'

Whereupon yet another Shipmate didst come there into that place to pray and seeing Major Mudfrog, Brother Gamaliel and Brother Oscar giving their gifts upon the altar, lifted their own eyes unto heaven, saying ...'

We all know the rest.

quote:
Originally posted by Mudfrog:
I prefer the occasion when a Shipmate didst come there into that place to pray and seeing Major Mudfrog, Brother Gamaliel and Brother Oscar giving their gifts upon the altar, lifted his eyes unto heaven, saying I thank thee Lord that we are all acceptable in thy sight through the merits of your Son our Lord, etc, and that, being recipients of grace - by various and diverse means - we are all brothers in the faith.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ever read something that got better and better as it went along?

quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
quote:
Originally posted by Palimpsest:
quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
Men put their penises into women's vaginas because that can result in offspring. If it couldn't, then they wouldn't. Really. Because they experience this as pleasurable or indeed as a bodily expression of their romantic love because it can result in offspring. If it couldn't, then they wouldn't.

Well, that sure explains why Bonobo monkeys do penis fencing. It's that desire for procreation.
I'm leaving off the wikipedia url for bonobo monkey as it may not be NSFW.

Bonobos aren't monkeys.
quote:
Originally posted by Matt Black:
Chimps?



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Same observation as above, more serious:

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
quote:
Originally posted by aumbry:
quote:
Originally posted by Louise:
Turning God into the great Sexist in the Sky and choosing to believe that, doesn`t absolve all the little sexists. There are few attempts to treat some human beings as being more equal than others which haven`t been baptised at some point. Projecting the sexism onto the deity and then pretending your hands are tied and you no longer have to consider the justice or injustice of what you do is a cop-out, and the same one that the Pharisees took. "Don't bother me with all that shit about justice and treating others the same as myself, I've read the law, if God wanted those people treated decently he wouldn't have ordained them to be poor or Samaritan or whatever, they`d be nice middle class Jewish blokes like us who uphold tradition and then we could treat them nicely like ourselves!`

God must surely stand convicted on that one because if he had wanted total equality one assumes he would not have created two sexes in the first place and then left one lot stuck with doing all the childbirth and the queue for the ladies' loo.
Yeah He should have made us all the same. Duh.

We are always going to find ways to hate and fear women, black, gay, fat, ginger, Anglo Catholic, whatever. It is not about how different He made us but our wilful ability to not heed the Word made flesh.

Shame on your poor ill thought out theology.

Fly Safe, Pyx_e


 
Posted by Vulpior (# 12744) on :
 
Liopleurodon, on the Feminazi Hell Thread:

quote:
Not being a racist sexist homophobic fuckwad is not some kind of elite educational achievement - it's a minimum standard for decent human being.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Soror Magna, on the "I'm a feminazi and so is my wife" thread in Hell:

quote:
So what's the politically correct term for racist? "Racist" used to be a perfectly nice word, like faggot or pickaninny or feminazi, but now the uppity racists get all offended and hysterical when they are called racists. They would prefer to be called ... what would racists prefer to be called? Equality challenged? Empathically disordered? Can-dish-it-out-but-can't-take-it-ists? Privileged whiners?
and along the same lines

quote:
and now the misogynists are also offended and hysterical because they've been called misogynists. What would they prefer to be called? MCPs? Dinosaurs? Dickheads? The-altar-is-a-no-girls-allowed-treehouse priesthood? Poor babies. They don't like being called misogynists. [Roll Eyes]

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
An essay question from sebby's A levels:
quote:
'The New English Bible is fit only for intellectual pigmies. Discuss.'

quote:
Originally posted by Hart:
I'm not very familiar with the NEB, but I'd be sure to remind the examiner that God chose the intellectual pygmies of the world to shame the wise.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Yipee] Quintessential Hart.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
My friends, the elusive FLP Quotes File nab:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Sorry folks, I just Doublethink


Do not apologise! Most people do not single think.



[ 10. January 2013, 07:17: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Is it rational to believe Marvin the Martian

Can I reserve judgement on that one?
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
From the prayer thread, which is usually cause for tears, not laughter. [Smile]

quote:
Originally posted by Telepath:
Because nothing says "we love you and want to welcome you into our family" like kidnapping and surprise nonelective surgery to the nethers.


 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
Is it rational to believe Marvin the Martian

Can I reserve judgement on that one?

I do check The Circus from time to time, you know... [Razz]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
[Two face]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
In a Hell call in which the implied prerequisites were met, Firenze gave us this:

quote:
Someone who hasn't cottoned on to the use of terms for genitalia as insults. What a knob.

 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
From the latest gun control thread:

quote:
Originally posted by tclune:
<snip>, you've done a much better job communicating your passion than your point. I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.

--Tom Clune

Seems like it fits on a lot of threads...
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Marvin on judgementalism and changing ones ways:

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by Ender's Shadow:
There IS a challenge of how we get that message across - that people do need to respond to God's grace - without being too negative about where they are now. It is, of course, a problem of balance, but we can't just give up and pretend that Jesus doesn't require a response. Easy? Of course not. But dismissing all challenge to popular sins as 'judgemental' is unacceptable, especially when the right to continue to be judgemental towards the unfashionable is reserved.

I think the problem is that you're looking at this backwards. You think that if we continually rail against sin such that we can convince (or force, if we manage to persuade enough politicians) everyone to stop sinning then everyone will automatically turn to Christ.

But that doesn't work. Nobody, but nobody, turns to Christ just because they stopped doing something else. So in salvation terms you haven't done anything for anybody.

What I advocate is showing people the love of Christ first. No judgmentalism, no condemnation, no lifestyle challenges. Just the love of Christ. Invite them in, welcome them, include them, serve them. When Christ is living within their hearts that will provide the impetus for them to change their lives to better suit His Will.

[Overused]

[ 23. January 2013, 01:56: Message edited by: Evensong ]
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
... my higher self is on vacation just now and may not be back for some time.

I'm tempted to print this out and tape it to my office door...
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
You want a baby sling for that grudge you're carrying?

I know she just posts things like this to get on this thread. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
On the "CL" thread in Hell, Evensong said:

quote:
I'm not silly. I'm Anglican.
NOTE: I've taken it out of context. She was protesting an insult towards Anglicans. But, out of context, it struck me as funny. No offense intended.

[ 25. January 2013, 02:42: Message edited by: Golden Key ]
 
Posted by Meg the Red (# 11838) on :
 
The inimitable Pyx_e, in Hell:


quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
I'm sure "Not giving a fuck" is a recognised coping mechanism.

It is a recognised and Authorised shorter version of the "Serenity Prayer" in my neck of the woods. Otherwise translated as "Ah fuck it."


 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
[tangent]

It is even available in book form!

[/tangent]
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
[tangent]

It is even available in book form!

[/tangent]

OMG

[Killing me]

I wonder if that would go down well with my Spiritual Director. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
[tangent]

It is even available in book form!

[/tangent]

If anyone is wondering, I was entirely unaware of this book's existence.
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
tclune in fine form in purg:

quote:
Originally posted by tclune:
quote:
Originally posted by Raptor Eye:
Alpha, run and tailored by the right people, may be an excellent place to ask questions without being evangelised.

Absolutely. And your local automobile dealership is a terrific place to find unbiased information about the new car models without having to endure a sales pitch.

--Tom Clune


 
Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
In the Tai Chi thread in Purgatory
Originally posted by Adeodatus:

Originally posted by Gamaliel:
Is Tai Chi dodgy and can it be dangerous?

I doubt you're going to get demons flying up your bottom from a couple of minutes spent standing on one leg.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
In the "...but some are more equal than others" thread in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Crœsos:
I'm guessing that one's support for special treatment for certain religions is directly related to how certain one is that one's own religion will be the one getting the special favors.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The dawning glow of feminism on a couple of good guys (about a school which required girls only to sign a no-swearing pledge):

quote:
Originally posted by tclune:
quote:
Originally posted by TomOfTarsus:
First they came for the girls, and I said nothing...

No, no, no! First, they came for the girls, and I said, "%!@&$..."

--Tom Clune


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
tclune is on a roll. Here he is in Kerygmania, on the "Was Sampson Stupid?" thread:

quote:
Samson kind of seems like David to me. He had a heart for the Lord and his head up his ass.

 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
lilBuddha in Hell, doing a sublime job of marrying respect for the Ship's principles with a cutting remark.

quote:
Of course you like this. It describes your debate style perfectly. The difference being SD actually debates* as opposed to merely spewing pejoratives.

*In accordance with the guidelines of offering a definition of unfamiliar words...
quote:
debate- a contest in which the affirmative and negative sides of a proposition are advocated by opposing speakers.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Can't add anything to this:
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
Honestly, it's like trying to have a discussion with a performing seal...

I know the origins of both halves of your demented sentence, okay? That doesn't automatically mean it makes a lick of sense when you mash the two together.

I'll sign off from this ridiculous exchange now with this thought: Blessed are the poor, for they a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Well, maybe I can add what provoked this outburst:

quote:
Originally posted by Bostonman:

Ceci n'est pas une "How do you like THEM apples?"



[ 08. February 2013, 03:27: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Originally posted by no prophet
quote:
(And by the way, it's marriage, not gay marriage. I also just park my car, and don't expect gay people to gay park.

 
Posted by passer (# 13329) on :
 
Class. In Hell.

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
quote:
Originally posted by St. Punk the Pious:
Well. I'm glad I haven't posted in a while.

I so rarely agree with you that I wanted to mark the occasion.

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Doublethink, responding to the suggestion that the timing of H&A Day was somehow inappropriate:

quote:
If the pope had informed SoF of his resignation in advance, we might perhaps have been able to reschedule but sadly he didn't.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
comet re leo, in true hellhost style:

you don't have the sense God gave a donut, your mother probably had the good sense to not inform you of the state of her sexual satisfaction you complete and utter freak.

jaysus I weep for humanity.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Nunzia on Sarah Palin:
quote:
Many men have wanted to fuck her brains out, and somebody apparently succeeded.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
IngoB, super-sharp and expansive:
quote:
We live in an age where every bit of cosmology that has actual support in real observations and experimental data accords smoothly with traditional Christian views, whereas alternate hypothesis (like the "multiverse") are so incredibly anti-parsimonious as to lead to an Ockhamian splatter-fest as soon as the protective layer of pure ideology is removed.

We live in an age where the physical theory with the undoubtedly best experimental confirmation, quantum theory, has relied for many decades and fundamentally on an complete ad hoc mechanism ("the collapse of the wavefunction") that nobody really understands, but which seems to be tied annoyingly to the presence of very special entities, "observers", us. This, and the general structure of quantum theory, provides ample room for speculations, including religiously motivated ones.

We live in an age where biology is taking over as the lead science from physics. Biologists still can't write a paper without invoking some kind of teleology somewhere, and that's not going to change either. It is hence just a question of time until the ideology of rejecting final causality, which was tied to the mechanistic views from physics, is overcome. Once final causality is back, intellectual atheism will be deprived of its oxygen.

We live in an age where the rapid advances of neuroscience increasingly make Descartes' points about doubting evidence relevant. While Cartesian dualism is dubious (though not proven wrong, as many assume), the gap between the measurements of brain function and the core experiential truth of mental life is if at all growing wider and deeper. Already a honest materialist must declare himself to be an illusion, at which point really only two reactions are possible: point at him and ROTFL, or throw him into a lunatic asylum. Unsurprisingly, the hylemorphic dualism of traditional Christianity fits perfectly fine with all available evidence.

We live in an age where the original Darwinism has died a death of thousand cuts, and the current theory of evolution (if there is anything deserving the name) is some hodgepodge of punctuated equilibria, cross-species genetic vectors, group evolution and distinctly Lamarckian noises about epigenetics. Anyway, whatever the fate of "evolution", it does not actually threaten classical theism. Whether Christianity will get more support from this than the Y-chromosomal Adam and Mitochondrial Eve remains to be seen.

We live in an age where Thomism has made a comeback through analytical philosophy and essentialism is becoming increasingly popular again. Furthermore, it has been centuries since proofs of God have been last so vigorously and competently defended. Not only has there been a new lease of life for classical arguments, new ones have emerged as well (probabilistic, grammar based, ...). Finally, post-modernism, where not busy eating itself, has made some valid points about knowledge and interpretation that make it difficult to keep a straight face when listening to scientism-ists. It is to be expected that we will progress beyond Popperian and even Kuhninan simplifications in describing what real scientists actually do.

This is going to be a golden age for Christians, intellectually at least. Atheism is so 20thC.

Wonderful.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Some nice self-deprecating humor:

quote:
Originally posted by Sergius-Melli:
Nor do I require an essay, . . .

quote:
Originally posted by Crœsos:
Which is good. I've rarely had anyone say to me "Hey Crœsos, why don't you make your posts longer?"


 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Rolyn, continuing a speculation on Mrs Thatcher's sex life in GHILFs in (for some reason) Hell
quote:
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Gextvedde:
I'm confident she'd make you do as you're told in the sack.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Been trying to form a mental picture on this one at work today.
I wonder, at what point during the proceedings maggie would say, "The lady's not for turning" ?


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Patdys on the 'skills' of Christians...

quote:
I think if Jesus had less apologists, he would have a whole lot less to apologise for.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
lilBuddha on the "Arguing for atheism by arguing against theism" thread:
quote:
The default position of humans is wonder. From this develops everything else.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
That's wonderful.

Literally I guess! [Hot and Hormonal] [Big Grin]

[ 24. February 2013, 18:46: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
Like Martin's posting style or not, this from the EE thread in Hell had me laughing...


quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
Typical Martin, communicating like a magic 8 ball for no good reason.


 
Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :
 
IngoB, in the 'God on trial' thread:
quote:
You cannot bulldoze over people with your love. You cannot hand out your love like candy. You cannot run advertisement campaigns for your love. Love is intimate, love is personal, love is poetic. Love cannot be shouted into existence. Love cannot be rubbed into people's faces. Love is easier shown than spoken, and where it is spoken it must be precious or it will turn cheap.


[ 27. February 2013, 12:55: Message edited by: Jane R ]
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Crœsos:
Deciding who is and isn't an evangelical is a lot like Calvinball.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Men on golf:
quote:
Originally posted by George Spigot:
quote:
Originally posted by Bob Two-Owls:
It's a safety thing...women are terrible drivers <ducks>

[Devil]

I think you'll find men are worse at putting because they will insist five inches are actually nine.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Stejjie, on always believing the best of others:

quote:
Originally posted by Stejjie:
With regards Eutychus' point: it may be that CL is not bitter, or angry or hateful. It may be that he is none of those things. It may be that he feels nothing but joy and gladness all day and every morning skips and gambols through the fields like a little lamb, free from care and singing songs of joy like Julie Andrews at the beginning of "The Sound of Music".

You never know.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Stick Monitor:
quote:
A "meh" on both their houses...

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Disclaimer: I have absolutely nothing against praise bands. I like a good praise band, matter of fact. But the following is just a thing of beauty:

quote:
Originally posted by The Rhythm Methodist:
TICTH those 'worship leaders' who think it's OK to drown out every attempt at conversation before the service, by practising with the amp turned up. Those worship leaders whose egos are so large, they have their own gravitational fields. Those who - in their arrogance - presume to intersperse their vacuous, quasi-musical offerings, with equally vacuous verbal dross. Those who can't tell the difference between self-indulgence, and the Spirit of God. Those that substitute hype for spirituality.... and those who will only sing songs which are so new, the ink hasn't dried on the page.

It is as well for you, that these aren't the "days of Elijah": He'd kick your asses off the stage, and garrotte you with your own guitar strings.

May you spend eternity listening to the sound of your own voice....through other people's ears.

"Garrotte you with your own guitar strings..." (sigh). Gorgeous imagery.
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Originally posted by Karl, Liberal Backslider:

do you know what "irony" is? Hint - it's nothing like "bronzy" or "tinny".
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
comet and the Hell Mission Statement™ :
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
quote:
Originally posted by Molopata The Rebel:
Is this really worth a hell call?

We keep our standards low and pass the savings on to you.

 
Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Originally posted by Karl, Liberal Backslider:

do you know what "irony" is? Hint - it's nothing like "bronzy" or "tinny".

Honour demands I point out that I nicked that one from Blackadder.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
See, to you guys this is a joke, to a Northern Californian this is a brillaint venture idea:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
quote:
Originally posted by Porridge:
quote:
Originally posted by Gee D:
quote:
Originally posted by Porridge:
*sigh*

I just ate an "artisanal" peanut-butter sandwich for supper. Unfortunately, I'm still hungry, and the fridge contents are far from inspiring.

What is an artisanal peanut butter sandwich please?
Well, Kelly took this to a level I hadn't imagined,[I made a wisecrack about $7 jars of peanut butter] but what I meant in my ironic fashion was a peanut butter sandwich made by hand. [Hot and Hormonal]

You know, like all of them.

I was with Kelly. I was imagining peanut butter for which each individual peanut had been hand-crushed by yeoman Nutters using hammers dating back to Agincourt, before being gloopified in cauldrons over fires of Patagonian birch twigs and packed in recycled WW II jam pots before being sent over the mountains by mule train.


[ 06. March 2013, 19:21: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
The ever-quotable Gildas has surpassed himself on the 'Gays are horrible parents' thread in Dead Horses:

A Thomist would probably argue that we know that bringing up a child by homosexual parents is wronger than a wrong thing that is wrong because we know that this violates the rationally known natural order of things. An Enlightenment Fundamentalist (to borrow an expression from a self-described enlightenment fundamentalist whom I admire very much) would say that this is mystical obfuscation and reason and science show us examples of gay penguins bringing up children and that gayness is itself natural. I say fie upon your conceptions of the natural, all we can say is that gay people are clearly capable of sacrifical love for one another and that they are capable of sacrificial love for the children they rear. That is all we can know and, frankly, all we need to know.
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Firenze and North East Quine on the subject of cooking in the "Can't cook, won't cook" thread in Heaven:

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
And, unlike sex, you can listen to something interesting on Radio 4 at the same time.

Why ever not? You'll be saying next you ought to put your book down.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :
 
From the thread about the usefulness or otherwise of the word "religion":

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
I don't buy this 'relationship' stuff - and for much the same reason that John Macquarrie dismisses the idea of prayer-as-communication in Principles of Christian Theology. To put it in basic terms, and as I've said here before, if it's a relationship, it wouldn't kill him to pick up the phone once in a while.


 
Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
From the thread about the usefulness or otherwise of the word "religion":

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
I don't buy this 'relationship' stuff - and for much the same reason that John Macquarrie dismisses the idea of prayer-as-communication in Principles of Christian Theology. To put it in basic terms, and as I've said here before, if it's a relationship, it wouldn't kill him to pick up the phone once in a while.


You know where I said, "as I've said here before"? Well ... I've got an uncomfortable hunch I've actually been quoted on that before! [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
See, to you guys this is a joke, to a Northern Californian this is a brillaint venture idea:

As well as a brilliant bit of writing. I was going to quote-file it, but I buggered up my code.

I'm going to find an excuse to use 'gloopified' sometime soon.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Another gem from that thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Ricardus:
quote:
Originally posted by Porridge:
Well, as noted upthread, my ordinary meals tend to be glop, spodge, or goo, as described by various posters above. Perfectly serviceable in terms of nutrition and taste, but low on presentability.

Sounds like my cooking, but this is why clear labelling is so important.

Glop with spices + rice = curry
Glop with herbs + pasta = pasta
Glop with herbs + rice = risotto
Glop with spices + pasta = fusion
Glop with mashed potato on top = some variant on shepherd's pie
Glop in a tortilla wrap = Mexican
Glop with paprika + rice (or dumplings*) = goulash
Pepper stuffed with glop = stuffed pepper
Aubergine stuffed with glop = there is a Turkish name for this but I've forgotten it
Foul-tasting glop + tamarind paste + rice = tamarind curry (tamarind is excellent for hiding an experiment that went wrong)

FWIW I take the line that anyone who doesn't like the appearance of my food hasn't quite grasped the point of eating.

* Dumplings are basically bread converted into glop.


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
To be honest, I would have liked it even better if passer had just stuck with the brilliant first half. But what the heck. Have the whole thing on the natural life cycle of a Hellcall.

quote:
Originally posted by passer:
quote:
Originally posted by Palimpsest:

I notice this thread is mutating as people find a thread that is Betts free.

All part of the natural process. As it ages, it starts to sleep more and more - up to 18 hours a day. It responds to occasional feeding, and sometimes engages in light exploratory exercise. At this point a vet will often intervene and it will be put to sleep. The timing of that action can appear arbitrary, and dependent on the personal skill and judgement of the vet. The owner may be consulted, but is a bystander when the coup de grace is delivered.

Oh - no, that's cats, not threads.

All part of the natural process. It becomes less and less active, gradually drifting into a semi-aware state called pauk, before its life force is returned to the Original Beholder. A recently demised thread, or gossie, will migrate to the intermediate location known as Oblivion, where it can still be contacted, though finding it can be difficult. Trying to engage with it while it’s in pauk can have unpredictable consequences. Memorable gossies will end up in Limbo, while those whose existence left a stain on the conscious world may end up in the cave marked with an X.

Oh - no, that's Helliconia, not Hell.

Mark has had his attention-jag, and appears to have departed, sated. His self-esteem will have been boosted by his performance, so for him it's not all bad.


 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Originally Posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
An atheist who shows love for all is more Godly than a Christian who shows hate for some. If that's the kind of atheism you decry, I say lets have more of it.
Damn skippy.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
And go, Adeodatus!
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
quote:
Originally posted by Indifferently:
... We are called to embrace sinners...

Speaking as a sinner, I prefer not to have my personal space invaded, thanks.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
this, in Purgatory, made me laugh:
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Apologies for a non-pope related thread.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Helpful words of wisdom to remember, for when other people in church react differently to you:

Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
You go (or stay) where God is calling you. It is entirely possible that the plans he has for you and for the person in the pew next to you may be different. No disobedience, just different roles in the body of Christ.
-------------------------------
Tubbs: This. The Priest and some of the congregation members are being called along one path, you and some others are being called along another. Provided everything else is above board, there's nothing wrong with that.

[ 18. March 2013, 09:54: Message edited by: Chorister ]
 
Posted by argona (# 14037) on :
 
Spiffy in 'Anglicans and the new pope':


Then again, my daddy also used to say, "Mary, if you aren't going to act like a lady, you will by God act like a gentleman." Which is why I take my hat off when I enter a building and hold doors open for people-- out of basic respect for their dignity as human beings. Even if they are notorious jackasses and supreme ignoramuses.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
There is not much Pope Francis can add theologically, if you ask me.

Well, after a couple of millennia and no new Scriptures, I'd say all the theologians can pack up and go home. It's all sorted.
And here abouts Purg can be wholly devoted to secular politics and sociology. [Cool]
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
With regards to the new Abp. of Canterbury being seated the same week as the new Bishop of Rome:

quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:
We are going to have a honeymoon period - singing "Hosanna to the Sons of Durham and Argentina" and laying cloaks and leaves before them.... followed by whipping, scourging, and a hasty crucifixion.

The only thing not clear is who we will crucify between them.


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Well, the last part of this exchange about bodily insults made me laugh. I need a series of quotes for context.

quote:
Posted by mousethief:
If he had said "bloody cunts of all genders" would that not be sexist because he mentioned all genders? No, it's sexist because it's using a part of the female anatomy as an insult.

quote:
posted by Sine Nomine:
Where does that leave 'dickhead'?

quote:
posted by passer:
Alongside twat, I imagine.

quote:
posted by mousethief:
You're doing it wrong.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Organ Grinder says it well, and says it for a lot of us:

quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:
At this point I've posted enough fluff on this thread that it only seems fair I try to make a more substantive contribution.

I was born and raised in the US. I've lived in the West, the Midwest, New England, Mid-Atlantic, and Southern regions. My education is thoroughly American, reflecting its strengths and weaknesses. Whether I like it or not, my brain is thoroughly wired as an American--my sense of humor, my understanding and usage of language, my tastes and culture...

I will never be "at home" anywhere else on earth in the manner that I am here.

I love the US--it is far from perfect, but my life and my friends are here. Does it embarrass me sometimes? Yes. Does it make me proud sometimes? Yes. I could say the same about my favorite relatives.

So I will continue to stumble along, trying to make the country a little bit better when I see something that needs to be fixed, trying to preserve things of which I feel we should be justifiably proud and trying to keep myself informed so I can tell the difference until the day when my ashes become part of the landscape here.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Get used to the feeling, hon.

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
Breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably on account of having agreed to read all Hell threads.



 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
It's okay, I've hatched an escape plan. [Razz]
 
Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
It's okay, I've hatched an escape plan. [Razz]

I expect though it depends on the bodies being buried where you think they are.

We've got lumps of it round the back...
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
It's okay, I've hatched an escape plan. [Razz]

I expect though it depends on the bodies being buried where you think they are.

Nah. Just fleeing the country instead.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Organ Grinder says it well, and says it for a lot of us...

I probably need to get a life, but there is nothing that will make my day like discovering someone quoted me on this thread! Thanks, Kelly.
[Yipee]
 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
Some awesome from Lamb Chopped:

quote:
originally posted by Mere Nick:
It was Italians who killed Jesus, wasn't it?

quote:
originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Nope, it was me.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
The only time you can confess to a murder on the internet and not get picked up...
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Karl: Liberal Backslider:
quote:
If you want an animal that loves you then there are these things called dogs, I understand, that will assume that you created God.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
We should have a separate floating fund to pay for the psychiatric expenses of Hell Hosts:

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
Or perhaps he decided Hell was boring these days and thought he'd post something stupid to see how many stupid people would respond.

The way things are going, we're going to have to post an 11th Commandment soon: thou shalt not post utterly pointless shit in Hell just because you're bored.

Since when did the Ship become the only source of excitement for you people anyway? Can't you go play in traffic or something? Teach lambada at the local nursing home? Become a graffiti artist? Perfect your juggling?


 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
The flow of this was beauty in its hilarity.

quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
quote:
Originally posted by Ad Orientem:
And, quite naturally, I would argue that it's right to insist that one must confess the Orthodox faith and have been received into the Orthodox Church to receive holy communion in the Orthodox Church.

Ikea meatballs tonight.
quote:
Originally posted by Ad Orientem:
Eh?

quote:
Originally posted by FCB:
What else can you make out of a dead horse? Certainly not a productive argument.


 
Posted by Jon in the Nati (# 15849) on :
 
By Hooker's Trick:

quote:
There was a 'children's sermon' though of such buttock-clenching cringeworthiness I remember it to this day.

 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
My co-Hellhost comet, drew a neat distinction between bulletin boards (like us) on the one hand a twitter (amongst other social media sites), just before closing a Hell thread that had outstayed its usefulness:

We Are Not The Twits. Keep your twitting hashtag thingies for the mothertwitting social twitting media twitsites.

(the following is directed to all hashtagging twits, not just <name deleted>)

drives me fucking nuts. you want to say something, say it. don't remove all spaces and render every fucking thought down to a little nugget of cliche. We don't talk like that. and whenever I see it, I imagine some nitwit blurting it all out in one word like the verbal equivalent of a giant, rude belch. Save it for fellow like-minded belchers and when you're around real fucking humans pretend you're older than a kindergardener and USE YOUR WORDS!

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
People who disagreed with a certain poster were said to be in Zach82's "gang." Various people finding themselves in that gang made some quips about it, but none better than:

quote:
Originally posted by passer:
We in Zach's gang (having been arbitrarily co-opted into that group I've unilaterally decided to speak plurally)....


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
This has been a goodquotey day. I cleaned this up a skosh but the idea and 99% of the orthography is original.

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
One is not an individual simply because one follows a leader of a smaller group, or one different from one's original group.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Yipee] [Yipee] DAMN. STRAIGHT. [Yipee] [Yipee]

quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:


Anyway, your knight in the shiny white soutane has already arrived and restored the gender balance. Maybe we can just leave it at that?


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
And Croesus couldn't resist:
quote:
Knights in white soutanes, world without end
Epistles I've written, never meaning to send


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I daydream about this kind of thing happening:
quote:
Originally posted by venbede:
I have been extremely grateful for anonymity at times: it has allowed me to express and recognise aspects of myself that I would not have done otherwise. I've said things about myself and personal experience that I wouldn't otherwise.

I've been a bit wary of posting here since a vicar of a church which I attend occasionally and on which I have commented here (not dismissively) on shaking my hand at the end of the service chuckled and murmured "Ship of Fools". "How did you know?" I said. "Obvious" he replied.

I found that a kind and salutary comment.


 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
From Patdys on the NZ/Australia thread, I think the qualification makes it:

quote:
...At the end of the day, I think God probably likes all of us. Except liturgical dancers...
[my own rubbish coding! [Roll Eyes] ]

[ 03. April 2013, 11:46: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
From Hedgehog in All Saints:

quote:
...If that doesn't make sense, be advised that I am two bourbons into the evening. Sense is optional.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Another classic line from that smash hit, Death of a Hellhost, now in its thirteenth year :

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Look! Look! Orfeo has feelings! Poke him! Poke him right in the feely parts!


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
The sudden shift in mental imagery created by Sioni Sais really made my day yesterday.

quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
deano can be easily misinterpreted, as he does an excellent imitation of the mating call of the Trollus blowhardus.
But truly, I think he is simply attempting to save money on his Viagra prescription.


( I strongly suspect he typed the OP with one hand)

He'd have to, as the first finger of the other hand would be up on the screen helping him read.

 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Anglican't, expanding on a typographical error.

quote:
Originally posted by rolyn:
Ms jackson's performance in in the film adaptation of D.H. Lawrence's Women in Love was responsible for my first orgasam . Respect to the lady.

quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
TMI!! [Eek!]

quote:
Originally posted by Wesley J:
No no no! OrgaSAM. Totally different.

quote:
Originally posted by Anglican't:
I assumed that the rekindled memory caused the hands to quiver while typing.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Preach.

quote:
Originally posted by Palimpsest:
Hollywood is perfectionist. If they make a great film they keep remaking it until it is horrible.
With foreign films, this can take only one pass.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
In a discussion about sex, for crying out loud:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:

quote:
Originally posted by quetzalcoatl:
But FFS, none of this is rational, in any case, is it?

Rational? Ooh, hadn't added that into the equation. Hmmm, objective over subjective multiplied by innate over reasoned times the square of paradigm shift.....hang on, I can work it out....if we then factor in......

 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
The feathered serpent proclaimeth:
quote:
Originally posted by quetzalcoatl:
I think the theology of twatness is vastly underrated. In my forthcoming monograph 'Twats I have known and preached at', I try to show that twatness is neither innate nor learned, but just sort of twatty.


 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
SyNoddy on the Greenbelt thread in AS:

quote:
...It's like an all you can eat God buffet!

 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
tclune on the current thread on Singles in the Church in Purg:

quote:
If anyone under the age of 80 shows up, single, a couple, or (praise Allah) an entire family, they are fauned over like a missionary at a convention of cannibals.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ariston:
Are you kidding me? Cooking up/working out absurd theories is half the fun of discussing Who.
This thread must look to non-Whovians like the cricket thread does to me.
I'm scared now.


 
Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
I don't think these words have ever been said before, nor will they ever again enter our discursive field. Indeed, I think we can call this not civilization, but madness.

quote:
Originally posted by Jengie Jon:
For what it is worth, Foucault is never consistent. Therefore to create a TULIP version of Foucault is to get him wrong.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Helpful tip from a Ship's veteran:

quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:


Personally, I think anytime Alan calls you to Hell you ought to do a lengthy personal inventory and critical self analysis. That is just me.


 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
It isn't always easy being single in church, and I wish them all the best. But I just found the way that this was formulated very funny:

quote:
Ariston: Also odd is the idea that churches are meet markets for single folks. When I'm in church, I'm not out to hit on anyone, much less anyone's wife! Eyes front, Christian soldier. Meditate on the wounds of Christ, His love and sacrifice for you and the world, not whether or not that charming and witty girl across the aisle is going to be staying for coffee this week.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Some conversations could only take place on the Ship:
quote:
Originally posted by Ad Orientem:
quote:
Originally posted by Timothy the Obscure:
Anyone who excommunicates someone else who calls themselves a Christian is schismatic.

Didn't the Apostle excommunicate a man for doinking his mother-in-law? St. Paul must have been a schismatic then, eh?

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ariel pplays with fire by mocking the Whoniverse:
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
quote:
Originally posted by Gill H:
Doctor Who Puffin books

This crashed when I tried to load it, but not before I'd seen:

"Fourth Doctor. The Roots of Evil. Out Now" and a picture of a man with wild-looking hair.

I assume this is the well-known story of the Fourth Doctor and his quest to find the one hairdresser in the galaxy who could do something about the roots of evil.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The spirit of the Ship asserts herself in a discussion of faith on other planets:

quote:
Originally posted by Alisdair:
Doc Tor, whether there are 2, 20, 200,000,000,000, or 2x10^24 tells us nothing at all unless we know not only the 'how' but also the 'why' of our present existence. As things stand we think we know something about the 'how' (which may yet prove to be very little, or even a misunderstanding), and are still pretty clueless on the 'why'.

As I said previously, even if the universe is 'teaming' with life the sheer scale of the universe may effectively mean we are as good as being alone in the universe, so the whole matter becomes academic anyway.

As it stands we stand on our ball of rock and water, and what we do here and now, and why we do it, is all that really matters. What others may do somewhere else beyond this solar system will almost certainly (until we have information to the contrary) have no bearing on your life, mine, or anybody else who has ever lived here (and, the way things are going, will ever live here).

quote:
Originally posted by Doc Tor:
Speak for yourself, sweetie. Without a vision, the people perish.

I'm off to immanentise the eschaton. Who's with me?


 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
I also liked this exchange, from the same thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Golden Key:
quote:
Originally posted by Alisdair:
For all we know this 'universe' was indeed created entirely with the purpose of offering 'us' a protected anteroom where we can explore and choose and live, and not be confronted with the full glory of 'God', but be able to encounter 'God' in a 'safe' kind of space.

If this is God's idea of safe [Eek!] , she clearly needs a jug of hot cocoa, a bag of animal crackers, and a long nap.

 
Posted by Moo (# 107) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo on the virulently anti-Catholic thread in Hell
It is a matter of eternal regret that none of the Gospels record the answers of the thief on the cross when Jesus enquired how he felt about TULIP and the filioque.

Moo
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This gal's got spunk. [Big Grin]

quote:
Originally posted by Laurelin:

And I'll use as many effing smilies as I like, even in Hell. Who died and made you the smilie monitor? [Devil]



 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
There are rants, and there are RANTS. This made my monitor smoke and my eyeballs start to cook from the inside out. As for the bit about the tent pole...

Originally posted by comet (in Hell, who'd a' thunk it?
quote:
To the annoying little fucker who wouldn't leave my bar tonight: you were here when I came on shift. you stayed here all fucking night. I had to kick you out after closing. I quit serving you hours ago, yet you stayed. and stayed. and talked all fucking night. and then want me to go to your house? in your dreams, you little sad excuse for a man. die in a fire.

Dude, I've been hearing about your divorce and how you wuz wronged for 4 fucking years now. get the fuck over it. She's remarried. She has a baby, for fucks sake. move the fuck on. NOBODY CARES ANYMORE.

and don't tell me about how hard your $90K/year job is. fuck you. you work two weeks a month, make an obscene amount of money as a fucking cook in a cafeteria, and I'm sitting here on minimum wage listening to you whine and bitch and complain and I'm supposed to have sympathy because your cell phone gets no reception in your kitchen? FUCK. OFF.

and if you, you grotesque skeez, tell me one more time how hot you think my daughter is, I swear by all that is good and holy I will pee in your cuervo and smile happily as you suck it down because you won't be able to taste the difference, you slimy little scuzzbag.

and you know what? yes, my daughter is gorgeous. blood tells. she also shot your ass down and that just stings, doesn't it? I hope it stings like a motherfucker. because you don't even know that she is also smart, and fun, and talented, and kind, and all those things that really fucking matter. you claim you are her "friend" yet you know nothing about her except that she polishes up nice. fuck you. fuck you very much. fuck you with a broken fiberglass tent pole. coated in vinegar. and splinters.

I swear if you come back tomorrow and think you can spend my entire shift sitting here bugging me and never fucking leave and hang out when I close and generally act like a stalker, I'm going to clock out, take you off the premises, and beat you until you make squishy sounds when you walk.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
He was a shitty tipper, too.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Brevity works, too.

quote:
Originally posted by comet:
Hell: a bunch of wordy, anal-retentive, humorless, uptight freaks endlessly debating the minutia of imagined denominational differences.

Oh, wait...


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
He was a shitty tipper, too.

Well, that's a given.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Libuddha said this should be posted on the front page of the internet:
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
I believe the majority is right in telling you what the majority of people think of you. Which is the thing that the Greek chorus most often communicates in Hell.

Whether the majority is 'right' to think that about you is a different question. But when you're trying to function in some kind of society, understanding how you come across to the majority of the society's members is at the very least a highly relevant piece of information.
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
But you've got to decide whose opinion you respect too. A mild criticism from say...RuthW...will bring me up short, while frothing at the mouth from...well a lot of usual suspects...is like water off a duck's back.

Because frankly a lot of the time it's their problem, not the callee's.




[ 02. May 2013, 17:32: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
He was a shitty tipper, too.

That was all one customer?
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Yes, was that not clear? Sorry.

My boss says she won't 86 for annoyingness. *sigh*
 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
I must memorise this - excellent!

quote:
Originally posted by HughWillRidmee:
Hearsay, tradition, wishful thinking, nice warm feelings, voices in one’s head, arguments from authority by men in fancy dress, stories invented/embraced by nomadic stone-age goat herders and uncorroborated writings chosen as sacred by a group commanded by a despotic emperor do not meet the standards normally required for “solid evidence”.


 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
Originally posted by South Coast Kevin:
Maybe I should just keep that Hell thread going and have a bit of a whinge there.

Our door is always open.
Maybe I can't explain very well why, but I found this immensely funny. I can just imagine the real host of Hell standing close to the entrance, speaking in a subdued, reassuring voice: "Our door is always open."
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
[Big Grin] (It's actually a flashback to something in Australia decades ago, with a guy who kept saying over and over 'my door is always open'.)

Anyway, I didn't come here for that. I came here for why we're all here:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Can I just say how much I appreciate the level of conversation and debate on the Ship? Anywhere else on the internet is a crap shoot with loaded dice as to whether you will find somebody who really knows how to hash over a disagreement in a logical manner. On the Ship your odds skyrocket.


 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
By Kyzyl on the '13 and counting' thread in Dead Horses:

"quote:

Originally posted by Crœsos:
According to the article (and assuming the governor signs it), Minnesotans who are so inclined can enjoy same-sex starting August 1.

Gov. Dayton has scheduled a signing ceremony for tomorrow on the capitol steps. St. Paul is officially celebrating afterwards.
"

Well, there you go. St. Paul is celebrating same-sex marriage, so the debate must be over!
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Barnabas62:
quote:
Originally posted by Indifferently:
And if people don't understand the liturgy then they ought to take time out of their day to actually try to understand it.

To judge from this and other comments in your various posts, you may be suffering from hardening of the oughteries. This is quite a common condition and one of its side-effects is that it damages the expression of Christian charity. And that is a much more serious matter than disagreements over liturgical forms.
Barnabas is always so nice... and yet... ouch!
 
Posted by South Coast Kevin (# 16130) on :
 
Also from the liturgy thread in Purgatory, thanks to Angloid:
quote:
Originally posted by Angloid:
Attempting to express new thoughts in old language is like building a nuclear power station in Tudor half-timbering.

Made me chuckle [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Tukai (# 12960) on :
 
Laurelin in a discussion on liturgical language (which for some reason is in Purgatory):

In response to
"Liturgy has,historically, always used archaic language.... Why is today any different?"

She said:

" Because the Lord Jesus Christ, when He was here on earth, did not use archaic language when teaching His disciples, the crowds or anybody else!!!!!!

If ordinary Aramaic and non-classical Greek were good enough for Him, then ordinary, non-classical contemporary speech is good enough for the rest of us!

Of course there is a place for exalted, beautiful language. In liturgy, in poetry, in music. Yes, it can be a wonderful vehicle for worship. But there is nothing particularly sanctified about 'archaic' "
 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
Comet's epic rant in Hell needs preserving. (Gutless US Senate thread):


quote:
Originally posted by comet:
Well, Punk, I AM a citizen. I vote. I also support the second ammendment, in theory. I have HUGE FUCKING ISSUES with what some idiots in the country are doing in the interpretation, however.

I was raised by a hunting guide and outfitter. The first time I ate "domesticated" meat I was 12 years old. I still think beef tastes like cardboard, by the way.

I fired my first rifle when I was five. I was given my own .22, and joyfully killed a lot of coffee cans. I also fired my mom's 30.06 and the recoil knocked me back 4 feet- yet I still hit my target.

Won my first targetting competition at age 10. Beat out 12 boys. My prize was a .357.

Shot my first goose at 12. Took it home to my mama bursting with pride.

Guided my first hunter at 23. Got him on a B&C trophy elk his second day out.

Gave up firearms at 30 because I prefer the challenge of a bow. Recurve and tradional athabascan longbow, since you ask.

My daughter was so well trained she made her college rifle team first string as a freshman. Both my boys have more training than most of the gun nuts at the sportsmen shows- i know; I ask.

Essentially, my firearm cred is good.

So answer me this: why do we use the Second to justify selling firearms to people who have no idea how to use them? Anyone who knows what the fuck theyre doing with a gun knows that it's bloody stupid to allow someone to handle one without so much as a 1 day training. My teenage son is not allowed to drive a car without passing a written test, six months mimimum of supervised practice, and a driving test. But if I chose I could strap a .44 on my eleven year old and set him loose.

When I was in sixth grade, i was required to take a gun safety course. In my school. It was taught by the commander of our VFW, and nobody was allowed to opt out. He brought a bunch of .22s into my school. That would not even be allowed today. So where's the logic? Guns banned from school - good in theory - now no one gets trained. But god fucking forbid we require people have to know what they're doing with a deadly weapon. Sex offenders have to be registered for all to see, but diagnosed mentally ill with a history of violence can be packing so long as they dont have a felony conviction.

Hell, felons cant legally have guns, but in my state the gun dealers violate their rights if they even check if they're felons.

Guns dont kill people. Neither do cars. Neither does booze. Neither do drugs. Or fucking bombs, for that matter. They're all inanimate objects. But we're perfectly happy to regulate the use of all the other objects to keep the ignorant (or dangerous) from hurting themselves or others. because they're fucking dangerous objects and not fucking toys.

the difference is all in the hysteria. And make no mistake, it is crazyass hysteria, here. the hysteria brought on by the fucking NRA that says if we give an inch, we might as well just hand it all over and then it's fucking 1984 and the Thought Police.

That, sunshine, is whacked out bullshit. Know what else is whacked out bullshit? All those fucking loonies who think they need firearms to protect themselves from our own government. our government isn't that organized. They have other fish to fry. And they couldn't organize a fucking hand job in a whorehouse without ten subcommitees, 5 years of testimony, 20 riders from greedyass senators, and at least one emasculating compromise. It aint going to happen.

But it feeds the hysteria to say so; and my god it makes some fine profits for the gun companies, doesn't it?

Fuck those guys.

So I'm all about keeping our hands off the Second, but does anyone really believe the powers that be are going to touch it? Come on. Quit drinking the fucking Rush flavored kool aid and grow up.

Meanwhile, let's use the same concept we do for automobiles or booze, and have some common sense structure in place. I say we require firearms safety training in all schools. I say you have to have a certificate of training to buy a firearm. I say you have to have all firearms and ammo stored securely or you cant have 'em. I say you have to not be a certified loony to have'em. I say you are legally responsible for what your firearm does even if it's out of your hands. I say all gun sellers- including private individuals- are responsible for making sure their firearms aren't going to the next batshit Idaho militia freak.

This is easy stuff. Common sense stuff. But common sense isn't allowed in the discussion anymore because of the ignorant fear-mongering enjoyed by the right wing propogandists. So we're fucked and nothing will change.

Thanks for that. Keep watching Fox and drinking that kool aid, you ignorant, hysterical fucks.


 
Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
You go, girl! Most sensible thing I've seen in years.
 
Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :
 
quote:
PeteC, in the Quiz thread:
The speedy brigade is all tripping at the recreational drug question.

I just don't think this sentence could be improved in any way.
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Imaginary Friend:
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
... Elder Daughter could pass as Neapolitan through her colouring.

She has white, pink, and brown stripes?
Some important information in the Spaghetti thread!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
On Pat Robertson: no_prophet gets the job done in 14 words:
quote:
Originally posted by no prophet:
I looked him up. His foreskin appears to have crept up over his head.


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian in Purgatory:
The Annunaki are REAL! I was a skeptic, but then the kind chap who lives in the local underpass offered to show me the TRUTH and when I woke up and dried off from the ice bath he'd left me in (apparently extreme cold shorts out the Illuminati tracking chip they implant in everyone at birth) I could hear the beautiful song of the wonderful travellers from Orion! To think it was being blocked by my fillings - DENTISTRY IS PART OF THE CONSPIRACY, PEOPLE!!!

The One World Government conceals the truth about the Annunaki, but not well enough. Someone found out at the start of the last century - King Edward VIII and his brother Adolf. When it became clear that the Cabal would never allow the Truth to be disseminated the latter even hid a clue to it in the name of his political party - AnnuNAKI/NAZI - coincidence? HA! You have been deceived my FRIEND! The whole of WW2 was fought to make sure that THAT clue would never AGAIN be seen!

Ia, Ia - they come AT last! Earth Government hides ALL truth! The pyramids are PROOF! NASA is lying to you! The Earth is NOT FLAT! The Annunaki will return! The Labyrinth has you! I am the Minotaur! Take the RED pill! THE cake is A lie! WE aLl live in A YELLOW subMARine! THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!

A long quote, but what a belter! Marvin's hilarious contribution to thoughts on extra-terrestrial myths.
 
Posted by South Coast Kevin (# 16130) on :
 
Wisdom from Avila in the 'Catching the Spirit?' thread in Purgatory:
quote:
Originally posted by Avila:
What if we were to rush and gather at places that showed an outbreak simply of love, kindness, gentleness - I'd be keen to bring a bit of that back to some of our churches!!


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Barnabas62:
A long quote, but what a belter! Marvin's hilarious contribution to thoughts on extra-terrestrial myths.

Worthy of KenWritez.
 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Barnabas62:
A long quote, but what a belter! Marvin's hilarious contribution to thoughts on extra-terrestrial myths.

Worthy of KenWritez.
High (and humbling) praise indeed.
 
Posted by Porridge (# 15405) on :
 
Our resident liberal backslider, Karl, on the marriage ceremony thread in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
Some people like to make out that the evil liberal do-gooding politically correct health and safety gay mafia feminazi thought police are persecuting them for their faith.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Wonderful succession of quotes in Purg, culminating with the zinger from Marvin:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Thus Sayeth the great sage LA Gallagher:
quote:
Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; what ain't fruits or nuts, is flakes.

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Heh. Comet asked me (wow, back on the evening of the 17th) what NoCal smelled like. "Fog and wine?" she said. "And Batshit," I said. "Loads and loads of batshit."

(time passes)

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
You all qualify for residency in Northern California.* Every one of you.

*Yes, there is a batshit test you need to pass.

quote:
Originally posted by Thyme:
Can I take it online?

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
You already are.


 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
It was in Hell, old bean.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Piss.

Note to self: [Disappointed]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Heh. May as well save this exchange too. Kelly attempts to tease Mousethief:

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
I'm not sure I've ever been compared to a Star Trek episode before.

You know, earlier this week I had decided that God's sole purpose in putting me on this earth was to give other people an ego boost. This just cinches it. Here I am trying to pull your tail, and you figure out a way to frame me putting you in a death dance with MartinPCNot as a compliment.

Can't you exhibit just the tiniest bit of narcissistic wounding, just to make me feel like I can do something else with my life? Call me a bitch or something. Complain about me in the Styx. Anything.

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
[Overused]

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Bastard.


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]

Stop it!!!
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Marvin you are just screamin' this week!

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
You're so far up your own ass that it can only be described using non-Euclidian geometry.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
NigelM, in Kerygmania, commenting on the use of parenthetical phrases:

quote:
when I see parentheses (like this) I (that would be me) tend to (rather than have an evidence base for) see them as indicating (probably intentionally) that the contents (inside, as it were) are not as important (parenthetical point) as the stuff outside of parentheses (not like this).

(And that's an important point to make).


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Delicious!
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I fuckin' tried!

The thing is, when MT is being cool, you want to just live in the moment, because it can pass with lightning swiftness. And then all of a sudden you find yourself having a conversation like this:

Kelly:I like navel oranges.

MT: Oranges don't have navels.

Kelly. It's just what they call them.

MT: Who's they?

Kelly: I dunno, some fruit mogul I guess. It's just part of the language now.

MT: So you are willing to continue a scientific inaccuracy just because it's the common practice? No wonder Creationist hold sway in our country.

Kelly: How the hell did Creationists come into it?

MT: If you can't parse that, I don't see why I should help you.

Kelly: Lighten the hell up, Mousethief, it's oranges. Why are you suddenly the Noam Chomsky of oranges?

MT: Why are you being so bitchy?

Kelly:Why are you being so douchey?

MT: How the hell dare you call me a douche?

Kelly: You started it! You called me a bitch!

MT: Tu quoque!


(Takes bow)

Plus+

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
(From another thread)

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Oh BTW your dialogue was very funny. [Big Grin]

(Assuming you meant the above.) It occurred to me much later that "Tu Quoque" is your version of "THIRD BASE!"

And I laughed, and laughed...



[ 29. May 2013, 05:11: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Moo (# 107) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze on the Calling myself to Hell thread
So it's weird Papist stuff? Ten Hail Marys and make an arse of yourself on a bulletin board?

Let's hope he sins up to the level of a Vow of Silence or a pilgrimage to somewhere wi-filess.

Moo
 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Comet upon sitting down to her hostly duties in Hell:
quote:
It's like coming home to find the dogs have found something aged to perfection in the trash.

Jaysus. There's no limit to the smelly shit you'll all roll in when I'm not watching, is there?


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Originally posted by The Silent Acolyte in Hell:

quote:
[Y]our posts are random ejaculatory statements. The logic that may (or may not) link them together remains hidden beneath the cover of your fevered brow. You rarely bother to write the prose necessary to convince your reader to agree with you as you hop from disjointed statement to disjointed statement, as if you were some demented frog, traversing the lilypads of your private mental pond.
[Overused]
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
From the same Hell Thread, which in the best tradition of Hell has been called "piss poor". Still, this makes it's second contribution to the Quotes thread so it must be inspiring someone.
quote:
Originally posted by Trisagion:
I'm so glad to have given you such entertainment. Get out much?

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
No, I do not. They are getting better about fastening the straps.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Someone had to ask, eventually:

quote:
Originally posted by horsethorn:
quote:
Originally posted by Emily Windsor-Cragg:
Another thought:

Jesus taught: "Ye shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall set you free."


Out of interest, how do you know this jesus guy wasn't just another annunaki stooge?

ht


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Just in case you're missing it, we're joking around about masturbation...
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Oh right.

(I'm telling you, when you pray to St. Onan, use that time to practice endurance.)

But Orfeo doesn't have to. As both participants are men, there should be less of a disparity in, erm, completion times.
That was a rhetorical "you", I should have said, but boy, does that line have potential as a meditation device...
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Meditation device? Would that be an additional setting; Fast, slow and meditation?



[ 31. May 2013, 19:48: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
comet enjoying the wonders of Spring:
quote:
TICTH (Today I consign to Hell) late spring randy botanicals having sex in my sinuses.

I've never been this allergic in my life. I'm so sneezy I'm a danger on the road.

GET A ROOM, TREES!


 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
This gem from Amanda B. Reckondwythe in the Alphabet game in the Circus deserves preservation:

quote:
W is for Westminster Abbey, the hotel God stays in when he's visiting the Queen.

 
Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
Mousethief, in the 'Conscience vs Equal Rights' thread in Dead Horses:

'That's all crap and you all know it. The reason is that faggism is the one really really bad sin that God really really hates. Let's just be honest, shall we?'
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Amos (from Mousethief):
... faggism is the one really really bad sin ...

I'm so glad I managed to give up smoking ... [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Ah yes, one of those Pond differences: over here no-one would take much notice if I were blithely to announce that 'I just can't get going until I've sucked on my first fag of the morning', but I imagine most Transatlantic eyebrows might rise...
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Albertus:
Ah yes, one of those Pond differences: over here no-one would take much notice if I were blithely to announce that 'I just can't get going until I've sucked on my first fag of the morning', but I imagine most Transatlantic eyebrows might rise...

Amidst my circle of friends on this far Western side of the Pond, I suspect many of them would chime in with enthusiastic agreement.
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Indeed- that's why I said 'most' eyebrows!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Lies, damn lies, and statistics:


quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
I read another piece of research somewhere that concluded that when someone of the opposite sex enters a room, statistically men will look more at her genital area, whereas women will look more at the quality of his shoes.

quote:
Originally posted by quetzalcoatl:
And I read a piece of research that men who can chew and read at the same time, are more likely to put their wives' clothes on in times of stress.

Hint: I made this up. I was just ogling somebody, and it drove me to tell a lie. I'm sorry.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Don't we all:

quote:
Originally posted by QLib:
Sometimes, RooK, I just wish you'd come straight out and say what you think instead of pussy-footing around with all those mealy-mouthed euphemisms.


 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
John Holding amongst the Deceased Equines:

quote:
Yes Sebbie...gay divorce. And death of spouse -- widow if the survivor is female, widower if the survivor is male.

Here we've just celebrated the 10th anniversary of allowing same-sex couples to marry (not same-sex marriage, please, just regular ordinary marriage open to same-sex couples). There have been divorces, and, I presume, deaths among the married. Stands to reason -- some of them had been living together for 40 years or more when they were finally allowed to marry, and not so many people live into their 80s and 90s.

And you know what? It hasn't made a hoot of difference to the married straights, to the living common-law straights, to the just living together straights, to the serially monogamous straights, to the divorced or widowed straights, to the promiscuous straights or to the chaste or celibate straights. Or to anyone else.

John

[Overused]
 
Posted by Sine Nomine (# 66) on :
 
From Father Pyx_e. Humorous and yet profound;

quote:
Perhaps (from a sense of irony) my dying words could be "Five minutes more not two." To which my beloved 18 year old, sixth wife will answer "But you will only abuse those extra minutes."
Reminding us all not to abuse the gift of any minutes.
 
Posted by argona (# 14037) on :
 
Anselmina in the "peace" thread

If we can't manage a frigging handshake for the sake of sharing the Peace of Christ, with the brother or sister of Christ beside us, for pity's sake let's don't make them feel like they've just dropped out of a cat's backside. Just keep your hands folded in front of you and smile (if you're capable of it). And if someone does approach you to shake hands, don't freak out as if you've just been propositioned for sex.
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Doc Tor:

It's like Gandhi said: "I like your social justice, I do not like your social justice bloggers. Your social justice bloggers do not model social justice."

Best paraphrase in a long time.
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Dafyd:
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
It is helpful, for example, to understand that newborn babies are in fact atheists, because an appreciation of this fact affects our further understanding of things.

It is not a fact. It is a tendentious decision to define a word in a particular way for polemical purposes.
I love philosophy.
 
Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 
Welease Woderick gets to the point in Hell

quote:
Indifferently, I am a Quaker, I am enjoined by my faith to seek that of God in everyone - where have you hidden yours, you sad fuck?

 
Posted by chive (# 208) on :
 
Adeodatus, as he regularly does, makes all the sense:

quote:
I think all this touchy-feely, let's-be-nice-to-each-other-even-if-it-kills-us stuff is a side product of that vile modern heresy that the other people around me in church are my friends. I find the Quakers admirable and wonderful people, but I believe their one big mistake was calling themselves Friends. Jesus and Paul got it right: those other folk in church are our sisters and brothers, not our friends. Like sisters and brothers, we're stuck with them, and while we're commanded to love them, nobody says we have to actually like them.

Ooh. That's got all my Friday feeling out of my system. I feel much better now.


 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Spiffy at her finest on "What hath Twitter wroght?":

quote:
Of course, there was a horrible fire at Fucks Farms this week. Truly terrible. The entire crop of fucks was destroyed. Therefore I am currently unable to give a single fuck about you and your opinion.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
From the "Postponing Sex" thread in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Leorning Cniht:
Concentrating on virginity as this prized object is, as I see it, focusing on sexual sin in a rather negative and unhealthy way, and reenforces a completely false virgin/slut dichotomy. Sexual ethics do not begin and end with the first act of intercourse. It is no less important to have sex the 1,000th time for the right reasons than it is the first.


 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
From the Cricket thread:

quote:
Originally posted by the giant cheeseburger:
If an English team wins a match and nobody is able to watch it, did the win actually happen?

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by South Coast Kevin (# 16130) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
quote:
Originally posted by PeteC:
Is a certain cache a certain type of hiding place?

It's where old pixels go before they fade away.
Two nice lines from (one of) the (several) Indifferently-focused thread(s) in Hell.
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Dead Horses threw up this gem recently:

quote:
Originally posted by dj_ordinaire:
And by the by, I definitely believe in the traditional definition of marriage, which in England is defined by the presence of sausage rolls and those little cheese-and-pineapple-on-stick thingies, as our Lord intended.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
So much insight in this:

quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
Most Hell threads start out with more mundane stuff and end up discussing people's penises. Has some fundamental reversal taken place in the Universe?


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Don't we all know people exactly like this. From a hell thread (find it yourself)

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
I do wonder if here is anything - ANYTHING - up to and including the outbreak of world peace, universal brotherhood, conquest of all diseases, wiping away of tears from every eye - which would not provoke a cavil from your mean, miserable, petty, sour, narrow little soul.


 
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
From the Andy Murray thread in Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
Being a host is like being the curator of a public art space. You set the space up. You advertise the opening to the community. You tell them all about the different materials you're going to provide for them to use. Offer them classes in different media. Try to generate excitement about how this is going to be THEIR space to create, to share with each other.

And then the art space finally opens, and the only contribution on the first morning is a 16-year-old scrawling "GAVIN IS A COCKSUCKER" in large letters.

After a while you start lowering your expectations to the point where a good day is when 'cocksucker' is spelled correctly and in an attractive font.

There's a correct font for "cocksucker." The sort of useful information you only find on the Ship.
 
Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by balaam:
From the Andy Murray thread in Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
...After a while you start lowering your expectations to the point where a good day is when 'cocksucker' is spelled correctly and in an attractive font.

There's a correct font for "cocksucker." The sort of useful information you only find on the Ship.
Wait, someone else knows about Elliott's Blue Eyesahdow?
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Great catch, Baalam!

This one just touced my heart:
quote:
Originally posted by Taliesin:
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
Surely tampons and pads make poor missiles? They're not heavy, and pads are not aerodynamic; it would be impossible to throw one with any degree of accuracy. Standing in the door of my study, I couldn't reliably hit the window of my study with one, i.e. I could not be sure of hitting a target measuring 5ft x 3ft at a distance of 12 feet.

Anyone intending to throw a tampon soaks it first. I believe beer is the liquid of choice, and I wish I didn't know this. It wasn't me, ok??

 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Leo, on 'Reading something religious' over in Heaven:

(Of a certain author):
quote:
I knew her before she became a hermit.
Well, it's just not something you hear every day, is it?
 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
Yes you are, [poster being replied to]. Very much so. In so many different ways. Total and utter arsehole. You could teach postgraduates at the Institute of Advanced Arsehole Studies. You are more full of shit than the Delhi sewer network. Sir Mix-a-lot wants to write a whole album of songs about the area immediately surrounding you. You could not be more obviously and blatantly an arsehole if you changed your name to Sphincter McAnus.

You are an arsehole.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Drifting Star offers prayers for PeteC on the occasion of his pulling a double Hosting shift:

quote:
God grant him the serenity to host in All Saints;
the courage to host in Hell;
and the wisdom to know the difference.


 
Posted by Ad Orientem (# 17574) on :
 
Words of liturgical wisdom from Gottschalk on the "Fighting the Liturgical War" thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Gottschalk:
The fight for the liturgy cannot be better expressed than in the refusal of all attempts at artificial committee-baked liturgies imposed by ruthless and insensitive clerical bureaucracies.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Pours out some Riesling for kenwritez)

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Singles, gay or straight, are superior to you insensitive breeders. Filling up our planet with more resource hogging, pollution causing, noisy little disease vectors. Hang your head in shame!


For the humour impaired, this is a joke. I love children.

Particularly marinated with a good sauce and paired with the proper wine, perhaps a nice Riesling....


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
RIESLING? With red meat?
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
That's what Orfeo said, too.

Come to think of it, Ken's probably rolling around in his grave right now, but whatever, it made me think of him, so it's beautiful. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
RIESLING? With red meat?

If they're young enough, I think they count as white meat, like chicken. Though I think a Semillon or a Viognier.

[ 20. July 2013, 06:38: Message edited by: Firenze ]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
So, like veal, you think?
 
Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
And, not to put too fine a point on it, a good Alsatian Riesling or Gewurtztraminer*—the kind you serve with choucroute and sausages—can go with strong flavors, with the spice and sharp notes complimenting your braising vegetables and liquid, while the backbone of the wine is enough to hold up to the delicately flavored pork (which is what baby tastes like anyway—sucking pig is suckling pig) you use in most sausages and pork chops anyway.

...I mean, take this tangent elsewhere, this is the quotes file! Go start another thread for coming up with how to cook the annoying neighbor kid!

*Holy shit, I spelled that right first try!
 
Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
The truth? Someone needs to pound your gonads flat with a scaffold pipe in the vain attempt both to knock the silly out of you and the some semblance of sense in.

In reply to you-know-who .

Quoted simply because it gave me the giggles.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Welcome to the cutest little craft on the interwebby thing.

Welease Woderwick, in kindly host mode.
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Otter is pure class.

quote:
Originally posted by Otter:
quote:
Originally posted by Signaller:
Or didn't someone say a little while ago that you (the USA) don't have doors at all?

Yes, we lost them in the Great Door Blight of '73. Where once we had doors of all kinds - pocket, bi-fold, hollow-core, steel, and more, today we live in a blighted landscape, where a portal with a door is a special thing and privacy is lost, lost, like the mighty, um, something or other that we lost.

Cherish your doors, my brethren! Cherish them! Polish them lovingly, oil their hinges, take pleasure in the sensual sliding of their mechanisms, grasp their knobs firmly, and turn them slowly, yet sensually, and, and . . .


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
One person's opinion, but beautifully written:

quote:
Originally posted by Ariston
quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
I'm afraid I never understood the difference between "passed away" and "dead" and why people get so upset about the two. I always assumed they meant the same thing.

What's the difference?

People you like die. When you wail, rend your clothes, and wonder what kind of a sick fuck God would kill your friends with cancer and car accidents before their 18th birthdays, they are dead. Killed. There's no passing on, no crossing the veil, just death.

People you don't actually like, or like only because they're related to you, or whom you just think need to hurry up and die already like a civilized lady or gentleman pass on, silently in the night, like a southern belle's farts—nobody ever has to care, nobody really notices it happening, and, if they do, they know enough not to say anything. "S/he passed on" is like "bless your heart;" if it's not part of your cultural tradition, you don't understand that it's actually an insult to the deceased. Here, a translation:

"Marylou passed on last night"
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that"

does NOT mean:

"Marylou is dead"
"I am genuinely distraught right now"

but rather

"I'm bringing the funeral salad"
"I'll grab some chicken from Church's on the way over. Now, remember, extra cherries on top, Robert likes those."

And, even if I know people aren't from my cultural background and probably don't share my set of implied slights, I still hear it—and, it seems, so do they. "Passed away" isn't something you say to make it go easier; it's something you say when that person has really and truly faded into the past and is no longer part of your life. It's a little nicety you use to act like you care because society says you should when, in reality, adding those extra three cherries to the top of the green marshmallow fluff because you might as well use up the rest of the jar shows more respect.

People you give a shit about die. People you're glad to have in their graves passed on. To speak the truth, even gently, even with your voice cracking, is to respect the dead and the life they were never allowed to have.



(Awww, thanks Kelly. Next time, though, could you get your code right? Also, you left out the "t" in my name. It's okay, somebody fixed that for you, no no, I won't hold this against you forever.
—A.)

[ 30. July 2013, 21:30: Message edited by: Ariston ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Yes, because my stupidity always seems to trump my kindness somehow. [Roll Eyes]
 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Justinian in Dead Horses:

quote:
In order for reconciliation to happen, Christians have to stop trying to smack LGBT people in the face as a point of policy. Because as things stand the conversation is something like this.

"Moderate": You two should learn to get along.
Christian: *smack* Absolutely. We should all love one another. *Smack*
LGBT: He's hitting me in the face. I can't get along with someone who hits me in the face.
Christian: *smack* It's my religion. Now I'm offering my right hand to shake and make up. *smacks with left*
LGBT: Ow! No I can't take the hand of someone who smacks me in the face.
"Moderate": Why must you be so unreasonable. There's only us. We're all brothers and sisters.
Christian: *smack* I couldn't agree more. Jesus came to preach the brotherhood of all and I can't turn my back on that any more than I can the instructions to smack you in the face. *smack*
LGBT: F**k this. I'm out of here. I'll shake hands with those of you that don't try and smack me in the face.
"Moderate": Why must you be so unreasonable? He's only doing what his conscience dictates. He's just been influenced by his education, upbringing, and culture is all.
LGBT: *Ignores moderate and shakes hands with the few Christians who do not try to smack him in the face*
Moderate: We must be a good influence to the next generation. Work together and it can come true.
Christian: *smack* Sorry. It wasn't personal. My book told me to.
LGBT: You know what I want to see for the next generation and how I want to see them be better? By making sure that people don't get smacked in the face.
Moderate: Can't we all just get along? I mean look at you. Why are you a Christianophobe?
LGBT: Because he keeps smacking me in the face.
Christian: *smack* As I said. It's not personal. It's what the bible says.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

The best rape awareness lecture I ever heard-- given to a group of 18 years and over men and women-- began with an attractive young man asking the following question: "guys, if you are making out with your girl on the couch, and you are about to do it, and her parents' car pulls up in the driveway, what do you do?"

The guys chuckled and said they got their pants on as quick as they could and acted like nothing was happening. There was pretty much universal agreement about this.

The speaker whipped right around "Did you hear that, ladies? because that Big Lie number one. If a guy tells you that once he starts he can't stop, ask him what he'd do if his mom walked in the room."

And the girls let out a collective gasp-- like "Holy shit! That's true, isn't it?"
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
It doesn't really matter whom she's referring to, it's the imagery that counts:

quote:
Originally posted by comet:
I watch him arguing a miniscule little point that we all stubbornly refuse to get and I can practically hear his asshole slamming shut like a sphinctoral singularity. and I just cackle and cackle....


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Jedijudy wanted salmon. I told her to come on over, but as she's coming from Florida, to bring fruit. Then Ariston lays down a threat:

quote:
comet, I have attacked bear cubs in front of their mothers. I have chased whole families of bears down mountains. When I come for my salmon, it will not be with blue crabs or Old Bay in hand; bribery, I fear, is for cravens. I will take what is justly mine because I say it is with nothing more than a volume of this year's supplement to the New Catholic Encyclopedia and a broken umbrella for protection, and it will not have been the craziest thing I have ever done.
it's the umbrella that scares me.
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
I thought this was a pearl of beauty in a generally fairly diseased oyster.

quote:
Originally posted by Ariston:
quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
I have found Existentialist theology singularly unhelpful. Important place to visit but terrible place to live.

What? Because it tells you that you are lost if you trust to yourself, that there is neither hope nor true happiness outside of God, and that all your attempts to reduce God to the level of your pathetic and limited human reason are doomed to failure simply because He is infinite and we are so terribly finite? Or is it because it claims that these terrible truths are true, that it makes demands of your life and requires action in accord with certain values, which flies in the face of the mindlessly happy, value-free, there-is-no-truth form of late postmodernism you sometimes claim to follow?

Despair can be good, if you know how to use it. It's a sign you still care, that you realize that there is something fundamentally Not Right with the world, and that you haven't given in to the Happy Happy Fun Vision of Spending for Joy! that would numb the few remaining parts of you that can still feel, that are still human. It's a sign you want to be more, that you have to be more, but are stuck with what you have and what you are, with no recourse within the world to save you. Sure, it's just a bit tricky to pull this off when every rational means you have tells you you should give in and look for a way out, not a way forward, but, just perhaps, that's why hope is an infused, supernatural virtue, something that reason can never really lead you to, but only God and His Holy Spirit.

And then you figure out which skulls to crack first. So much evil and stupidity in our world, so very little time.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
How can we fail to archive this next little gem of exegesis?

quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
quote:
Originally posted by Mudfrog:
And just where does it say "And Jesus said, 'You have heard it said that thou shalt not lie with a man as with a woman', but I say unto thee, it's OK now."?

quote:
Again Jesus called the crowd to him and said, “Listen to me, everyone, and understand this. 15 Nothing outside a person can defile them by going into them. Rather, it is what comes out of a person that defiles them.”
I hold that to include both cocks and strap-ons.



[ 18. August 2013, 01:35: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
... no comment.

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:


Irony is what the sticky up the arsy is made from. This is why it yields so rarely.


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Kelly is usually a quoter, but today she's a quotee.
On Lutheranism:

quote:

In short, if we changed the names of Lutheran churches, how the heck would the Lutherans know which church to go to? [Big Grin]

[sp]

[ 21. August 2013, 01:50: Message edited by: basso ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Caveat poster.

quote:
HELL THREAD WATCH, with your Host orfeo

The results are now back from the lab. As we suspected, this is not a Hell thread. It has merely had a thin Hellish patina applied over the top and is actually an All Saints thread being passed off as Hellish to attract unwary posters.

Folks, we can't emphasise this enough: be careful out there. There are lots of dodgy characters in the marketplace, trying to part you from your hard-earned posts with these sorts of counterfeit threads. While this mightn't have been a great job - some of the Hellishness would rub off on your fingers as soon you touched this thing - there are some far more sophisticated operators out there who set up much more elaborate cons. Don't post until you're sure, and if in doubt consult a professional.

orfeo
Hellhost



[ 21. August 2013, 05:10: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Caveat poster.

quote:
HELL THREAD WATCH, with your Host orfeo

<etc>


[Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me] [Overused]

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
It reminds of the old joke about the bloke in Hell who is taken on a tour so that he can chose which of the rooms to spend eternity in.

We've already had that at least twice on the Old Jokes thread in Heaven. Is there no board that this old joke isn't going to crop up on?

Purgatory: discuss the implications of what people must have done to merit being sent to a particular room, and the likely distribution of denominations.

All Saints: please pray for the people in these rooms and for a new harrowing of Hell.

Ecclesiantics: what were they wearing and was it Earl Grey tea?

Kerygmania: there wasn't any tea in the Bible, but there's a passage in the obscurer part of Leviticus which everybody skips because it's boring which might refer to this.

The Circus: poll! which room would you choose to be stuck in?


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me] [Overused]

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
It reminds of the old joke about the bloke in Hell who is taken on a tour so that he can chose which of the rooms to spend eternity in.

We've already had that at least twice on the Old Jokes thread in Heaven. Is there no board that this old joke isn't going to crop up on?

Purgatory: discuss the implications of what people must have done to merit being sent to a particular room, and the likely distribution of denominations.

All Saints: please pray for the people in these rooms and for a new harrowing of Hell.

Ecclesiantics: what were they wearing and was it Earl Grey tea?

Kerygmania: there wasn't any tea in the Bible, but there's a passage in the obscurer part of Leviticus which everybody skips because it's boring which might refer to this.

The Circus: poll! which room would you choose to be stuck in?


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
This was very cute in its way.

quote:
Originally posted by Anglo Catholic Relict:
quote:
Originally posted by Chesterbelloc:
It's just that I think it should be possible to discuss the Catholic teaching on homosexuality without those who hold to that teaching being ipso facto labelled homophobic as if that were offensively self-evident.

This is true. It is very easy to assume that people choose to be Roman Catholics, but the evidence is very clear that many are born this way, and have no choice whatever in the matter. Even suggestions that Catholicism owes more to nurture than nature are fraught with difficulty. To then blame Catholics for having the cross they have, or indeed to make it worse by accusations of being abominations before the Lord because of how God made them, strikes me as grossly unfair.

 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
LutheranChik tells it like it is, about tipping in the good 'ol USofA:
quote:

I found this mind-numbingly fuckwitted response from a Real Christian[TM], the kind who leave morally improving/damnation-threatening tracts on restaurant tables in lieu of actual tips:

[Paraphrasing]: "My Lord requires 10 percent of my resources. Why should I give more allegiance to man than to God?"

First of all, fucking Einstein, the biblical notion of a tithe is nothing like leaving a percentage gratuity to your waitperson for a meal. So maybe your fundamentalist homeschool cipherin' and Bahble-larnin' classes left a little something to be desired.

And in our part of the country the average waitperson is usually some hardworking,educationally/vocationally disadvantaged, stressed, income-insecure parent who depends on tips to survive and even then has to share them with other equally hardworking, disadvantaged staff like busboys. Those are the people, fellow citizens and neighbors, you seem to be accusing of sinful, arrogant competition with the Almighty God's Own Self for your ultimate loyalty. What sort of ignorant, self-righteous, unsympathetic asshole would do that? Oh, yeah -- that'd be

you .

And that's even assuming you are indeed a Pharisaical tightass with genuine, if wingnut, religious convictions instead of just an average socially stunted cheapskate who nonetheless uses God as a convenient excuse to act like a tightfisted prick to people around him struggling to earn a living wage.

I wonder if there are busboys in Hell? Sounds like the perfect career trajectory for you, you cheap, sanctimonious bastard.


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
I see potential for a bumper sticker here.

quote:
Originally posted by Leaf:
(I will try to make this as much about you as possible, because I'm feeling charitable about your need for attention.)


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sometimes, even in Hell, you come across logic that is absolutely impossible to counter:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
I've felt like calling him here a time or two, but it is like arguing with a teenager. I mean, how can one? They know everything and are always correct.
And, quite frankly, I think he gets a bit of a chubby every-time he gets called here. This is not something I wish to be responsible for.



 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Leaf chiding someone in Hell:
quote:
Your constant wailing and railing against God has gone on here for almost seven years. Wow. It actually makes me marvel even more at the magnificent mercy of God, who somehow puts up with you. I'd have reached for the Big Bag of Lightning Bolts long ago.

 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
He's confusing the real God with Thor. Obviously.
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
I think if the UK is afraid of playing second fiddle to Germany in the EU, then they are just being diplomatically lazy. The EU is hardly a German instrument for European control. It's more like a political mosh pit, where Germany is a big, fat, hairy dude not moving much when being bumped into. There's really plenty of room for others to pogo though...

I nearly snorted diet coke all over the monitor.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Indoctrinate your kids all you want. They still will make up their own minds.


Cautionary wisdom from Mousethief.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
He's confusing the real God with Thor. Obviously.

Thor has a hammer. You're thinking Zeus.
 
Posted by Stejjie (# 13941) on :
 
Is it wrong that when I read this from IngoB, I slightly warmed to the idea?
quote:
It's not like Richard Dawkins gets visited by Archangel Gabriel, who slaps him around the room a bit until Dawkins sees the errors of his ways.
Think I just made baby Jesus cry...
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
He's confusing the real God with Thor. Obviously.

Thor has a hammer. You're thinking Zeus.
Thor is a lightning dude. Don't know about Zeus.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The New Rebels:

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
TICTH the guys who thought, "It's three in the morning. We've had a great night out. I know, let's fix a damaged bike rack."

What the world needs is more mad, middle-of-the-night public-spiritedness! [Big Grin]


 
Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
The New Rebels:

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
TICTH the guys who thought, "It's three in the morning. We've had a great night out. I know, let's fix a damaged bike rack."

What the world needs is more mad, middle-of-the-night public-spiritedness! [Big Grin]


Flattered as I am to be quotested, can the record please show that that was in the "Today I consign to Heaven" thread? [Razz]
 
Posted by Tukai (# 12960) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by David:
Nearly everyone says it needs to be changed, some of them even have a clue what they're talking about; the question is how to change it.

David was referring to the election system for the Australian Senate, but it could refer to anything you like.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
The New Rebels:

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
TICTH the guys who thought, "It's three in the morning. We've had a great night out. I know, let's fix a damaged bike rack."

What the world needs is more mad, middle-of-the-night public-spiritedness! [Big Grin]


Flattered as I am to be quotested, can the record please show that that was in the "Today I consign to Heaven" thread? [Razz]
If I wasn't so wonderfully flawed, I wouldn't entertain y'all as much as I do.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Shameless quotes file bid. [Big Grin]

quote:
Originally posted by comet:
please take the grocery store discussion elsewhere.

otherwise, STFU about it here.

comet
Hellhost


 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Powerful stuff here from comet, on the 'Fuck you Horseman Bree and the anti-Americanism you rode in on' thread in Hell, in response to mousethief:

Mousethief: ...I am accountable for my kids and my dogs. I am not accountable for the gun nuts.


comet:
I don't completely agree. To a limited extent we are responsible for our gun nuts. Each and every one of us. So we vote for the right things, and we push for change. Personally, I'm all about bringing firearm education back into the schools so that we raise people who aren't freakishly weird about weaponry. I have tried to bring this idea to the policy makers and so far, no one will hear it. But I'm trying. Because I DO believe that as much as my small voice Can be heard, it should. because those gun smugglers are akin to my misbehaving dog, as far as our international community is concerned.

unfortunately, I don't get to just have the little fuckers put down.

More than that, though - more than policy and voting and all of that jazz, we do what you and I and many others are already doing, MT. We raise educated, knowledgeable children who are capable of thinking their way out of a wet paper sack and we give them the tools to make change happen. Because it ain't going to happen overnight. we need to take the long view.

So we model the right behavior and we have long conversations with our kids and we "indoctrinate" (Thanks, Yorick) them into our line of thinking so they can further the change we start. we get them to choose not be be criminals or slack-jawed Fox-bobbleheads because we arm them with the skills to make the right choices, for themselves.

You see, that's what the knee-jerk black-or-white conservatives are failing to do. they are saying "NO!" to their kids without teaching them WHY. Because they don't have good arguments for WHY. They just have cookie-cutter sloganeering they've taken on faith; but kids rebel and they look deeper. Those messages don't work.

Remember the common view on homosexuality even from back when we were kids? go to a school and talk to kids now. things have changed. it's slow, but it's happening. Even the kids of homophobics are no longer really spouting those hateful lines, not in the numbers where it used to be socially acceptable. Even the redneck kids will hang out with a gay kid and not feel the need to fear him. big change starts small. but it happens.

and that's how, long term, we will win. Because we'll arm the next generation.

Revolution begins at home.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
(lightening things up for a moment)

I like this:

quote:
Originally posted by Zach82:
...though he always posts with an authoritative tone, he actually never has anything interesting to say. He's like the internet made incarnate that way.


 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
On the thread about whether we should evangelize dolphins:

quote:
Originally posted by TheAlethiophile:
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
how would you propose to communicate with your possible new flock?
[Ultra confused]

Babel fish. [Cool]
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Pyx_e in Hell, in his own inimitable style:

quote:
From my perspective reading your stuff it is like watching a squirrel shove acorns up his arse while howling and squeaking as he forces them up there.

 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Rook on his own sense of humour:

quote:
My wife even sneered at me for all my annoying laughter, and immediately picked it out as my "being an insufferable smartass" laugh. How she differentiates it from my "saw an old lady fall down" laugh, I cannot guess.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Dark Knight:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Originally posted by Dark Knight:
all we can do is make jokes about how y'all fornicate with moose.

Fun fact: Moose kill more people every year than grizzly bears. Maybe there's a connection?
Moose take the failure to stay and cuddle much more seriously?
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
OK, usually I try not to repost Hell snark, but if someone aimed an insult this creative at me, I can't help but think I would be a bit flattered.
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
[OPEN: The Sydney Opera House, in silhouette at sunrise.]

[DRAMATIC ZOOM - in on a lone figure wrapped in thin, sheer fabric blown in such a way that it both presses the fabric against them and causes the excess to seem to defy gravity.]


Evensong: [Turns head from chin held high, facing against the howling wind, to staring crazy-eyed directly into the camera.] "DESPERATION. The scent of reality not being as we insist it is, but we'll never admit it. DESPERATION."

[SMASH CUT: All black, with the outline of a uselessly-shaped bottle emblazoned with the label (DES∙PURR∙Ḁ∙SHUN) ]

[Flash disclaimer in nigh-unreadable size and font]
Harmful if ingested. Do not apply directly to posts, as general irritation may occur. Call your cleric or therapist if you suspect a dependency is forming. Not for use for people that have any sense of introspection or self-respect. Please post responsibly.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
Personally I don't want to look like a really bad petty tyrant. If I'm going to be a tyrant, I at least want to be a high quality one.


[Overused] (speechless)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Two quarterbacks trying to get a touchdown in Hell, and it's the rainbow-wigged clowns in the stands doing the wave that keep scoring all the points:

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
Anyway MT here is a link to a helpful earworm. Hope it helps.

If anyone posts more earworms on this thread, I'm going to enforce a new rule that all posts must derive their content from the lyrics of Tori Amos. If I have to keep reading this stuff, I think it's only reasonable that at least ONE person somewhere has a chance of enjoying themselves.
quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
assholes are cheap today


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Zach muses on the behavior of his lascivious gay cat:
quote:
Originally posted by Zach82:
The other cat doesn't seem to appreciate these romantic advances very much.

My cat (yes, we are burdened with 3) silently watches and judges. He's always been a pretty conservative Presbyterian.


 
Posted by Pooks (# 11425) on :
 
Continuing on Zach's cat, this reply is as sharp as it can be. Vintage Mouse!
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
quote:
Originally posted by Zach82:

My cat (yes, we are burdened with 3) silently watches and judges. He's always been a pretty conservative Presbyterian.

Our kittens were born conservative Presbyterians. Then after a while they become liberals- once they had opened their eyes.
Amazing grace!

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I think Zach's cat is gonna wind up part of our collective oral history, right up there with RooK's mouse.
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
If you don't read Eccles, you miss out on some good stuff:

quote:
Originally posted by Leaf:
...Anglicans have a kind of "blast zone" understanding of consecration: if the bread wasn't on the altar, it isn't considered to be consecrated.
...

quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
quote:
Originally posted by TomM:
quote:
Originally posted by Angloid:
I don't know what current practice is at Southwark Cathedral, but some years ago at big diocesan eucharists, assistant priests would stand in front of the altar each holding a chalice or ciborium to be consecrated along with those on the altar itself. The 'blast zone' was obviously understood to include everything in the bishop's line of sight.

Likewise, I don't know the current practice, but I think the justification there is those assisting priests are concelebrants, each with their own small blast zone. Whether the bishop's range was that broad was never clarified in my hearing...
Hmmm.

Name: Consecrate Mass Elements
Components: S, M, V
Range: Line of sight
Area of Effect: All intended elements within range

That's from the classic Players' Handbook; might have changed with 2nd Ed. of course.


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Ah, Martin. These days, I am growing to appreciate elements of your style.

quote:
Originally posted by Beeswax Altar:
the Jubilee concept is bat shit crazy.

quote:
Originally posted by Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard:
Africa in particular needs that cheiropteran faeces insanity.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
We have the best exegetes anywhere.

quote:
Originally posted by la vie en rouge:
My vote is to axe 2 Kings on the basis of it being the most soul-destroyingly depressing book in the Bible:

Executive summary:

quote:
A was a bad king who led Israel into sin. He died and B became king. B was a bad king who led Israel into sin. He died and C became king. C was a bad king who led Israel into sin. He died and D became king (etc. etc. etc.)

So in the end the LORD decided He'd had enough and carted the whole filthy lot of them off into exile. The End.

I wouldn't mind doing away with Lamentations either. Sheer unmitigated doom and woe with a couple of encouraging verses in the middle.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I dare you to argue.

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Friends don't let friends walk around with nose danglies.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Am I going to have to pay protection money?

quote:
Originally posted by Arethosemyfeet:
That's a lovely false dichotomy you're constructing there. Shame if anything happened to it.


 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by NJA:
The clocks going back actually did some good - the stork hit most of SE England a 6:30-7:15am before rush hour really got going with kids.

Yes, it was billed as The Worst Stork to Hit Britain Since 1987. Reports of giant birds rampaging through towns and woodlands knocking down trees left, right and centre, under the cover of darkness, are still coming in. Householders with gardens have been asked to check that their properties are secure and particularly to check carefully under any gooseberry bushes.
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
[Killing me]
If that wasn't already on this board, it would deserve to be put here.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
OK, I very rarely quote myself in the quotes file but I had such a strong moment of clarity surrounding this moment I wanted to archive it. Basically, it was almost worth dealing with the bitch I am describing to have generated the mental image of her soul I just did. Almost.

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:

I bet if you put her soul under a microscope, it would look like a little scrap of decayed lichen. Rarely have I met someone who devoted so much energy to backstabbing and trash talking sabotaging and needless competing. She-- BRRR! working with her was like sharing a staff room with Elizabeth Bathory.

I mean, if you met her, you would agree- perfection.
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
I once went to fill out a new intake form at the opthamologist's office and couldn't remember my name. I had to pull out my driver's license to check.

That was embarrassing.

Love this! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
[Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
The king of Bashan just TOTALLY made my day.

quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
Well, it's been five days and my dog is still climbing on my head every morning at 5:00, to make me get up and give her cat his insulin shot, in spite of the fact that I've been daily moving the shot toward six in ten minute increments.

I don't care if we call midnight noon and Jacks beat Aces so long as things stay the same. It's like going through jet lag without the holiday.

quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
Your dog has a cat? And she keeps track of his shots?
[Eek!]

quote:
Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
All the dog knows is that if he jumps on Twilight's head in the morning, the cat gets stuck with a needle. Some things are so awesome you don't need an explanation.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Agreed! [Overused]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
I'm not sure what all of this is about, but it's so good it doesn't matter. From the bitching-about-marriages-and-weddings thread in Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by no prophet:
The trend here is most people shack up and only get married to entice their parents to lend them a down payment for a mortgage because they did the no pill-pull out but not soon enough on the tugging, so now they have a gerbil in the cage and think they need to upgrade to the condominium. When I babysit we're smoking cigars from the wrong end, singing The North Atlantic Squadron and drinking rum in our milk, out of bowls. And sling shots. With plenty of rocks.


 
Posted by art dunce (# 9258) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
I'm not sure what all of this is about, but it's so good it doesn't matter. From the bitching-about-marriages-and-weddings thread in Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by no prophet:
The trend here is most people shack up and only get married to entice their parents to lend them a down payment for a mortgage because they did the no pill-pull out but not soon enough on the tugging, so now they have a gerbil in the cage and think they need to upgrade to the condominium. When I babysit we're smoking cigars from the wrong end, singing The North Atlantic Squadron and drinking rum in our milk, out of bowls. And sling shots. With plenty of rocks.


It sounds like part of a Charles Bukowski poem.
 
Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on :
 
Who?

Now who says the Styx can't be entertaining;

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Do "Rest in Peace" threads for famous people go in Heaven, Purg, or All Saints?

quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
Rest in Peace. All Saints.

Rest in Peace? Purgatory.

Rest in Peas. Heaven.

Rest in Pees. Hell.

Rest in Pease. The Styx.

Rest in P's. The Circus.


 
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 
Ethne Alba in in All Saints on the inadvisability of using one's own parish priest as a spiritual director:

quote:
it's a bit like meeting one's gynaecologist in Morrisons.
[Hot and Hormonal] [Ultra confused]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Wisdom by tortuf:
quote:
It may not surprise you to learn that I did not have a very happy relationship with the god that I had created inside my head. That god did not answer my (few and far between) prayers. That god did not give me comfort in times of trouble.

This is probably because the god I had created inside my head lived in a very bad neighborhood.


 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
A great truth from daronmedway
quote:
God Almighty, not God all matey.
And I know just which pastard's shell-like I'll be dropping that little gem [Devil]
 
Posted by South Coast Kevin (# 16130) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
A God who keeps some people at arm's length is a bit of a bell-end...


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
The new vicar at a rural church on the borders of Kent and Sussex said from the pulpit at his first service that he didn't want to look down and see a congregation of old people. So the next week he didn't.


 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
On the "Shit pastors say" thread in Heaven, Stercus Tauri used a particularly delightful expression I'd like to remember:

quote:
On a bad day, it's hard to tell the difference between him and the south end of a northbound donkey.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Daronmedway preaches it the way it is:

quote:
the early church seems to have put great stock on the presbyterate being able to teach the word, not paint, dance liturgically, or rightly divide lumps of clay.

 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
The inimitable comet:

quote:
...Hey, if you learn stuff by making every mistake in the book, so what? at least you learned, right?

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Just.. Just.. Beautiful.

quote:
Originally posted by chive:


My worst dentist was one I saw as a child who smoked while looking at your teeth. He threw me out when I bit him.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
IngoB on his Hellish property rights:
quote:
This is a thread for people who want to poop on my lawn. Could those who want to throw faeces at each other for unrelated reasons please get off it? Thanks ever so kindly.

 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Poetry in motion by LeRoc on Liberation Theology.


quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
quote:
Evensong: For liberation theology (which seems to be Le Roc's leanings) there is plenty.
Guilty as charged [Smile] I'd just like to clarify that when I speak about "Christ standing with the poor and the powerless", I don't mean that this is all He did. It's kind of hard to summarize my view on Christology in one paragraph in a blog post. In fact, I would be hard-pressed to completely express it at all.

quote:
Stejjie: The only thing I have about the interpretation put forward by LeRoc is that, on its own, it kind of seems a bit... futile.
Yes, I see what you mean. Like I tried to explain above, this interpretation doesn't really stand 'on its own' as much as it appeared here. Let me try to begin to formulate what I mean.

In my understanding, part of the reason why God came to this world in Jesus, was to show a way for us to live in relationship with God, with the people and the world around us, and with ourselves. It means putting aside our egoism (which can be a liberation in itself) and trying to do what God asks of us, not because it will give us status (as exemplified in the portrayal of the Pharisees) but because we feel it is the right thing to do.

A big part of trying to live like this has to do with power. If we include our relationship with the poor in this equation, we rapidly see that the reason why they are poor is because power. This is what makes it hard, especially since we should resist the temptation to fight this situation using power ourselves. That is not God's way. We have to find different ways, and that is hard.

And you're absolutely right, this can feel futile and it can be frustrating at times. In my work with poor people, I can feel the trap of frustration and cynicism looming nearby very often. There's so little we can do, and the powers we're up against are so big...

But one of the things I get from the Gospel is that throught Jesus, God felt this sense of futility too. I find this expressed rather well in the 'bitchy' reactions Jesus gave in Luke 9:51–62. God is with us, He knows what it's like. Knowing this can be a liberation in itself.

And of course, the story doesn't end on the Cross. The Resurrection is kind of a hope against all odds to me, a 'fool's hope' as Gandalf expressed it that power won't win in the end. It is this that we can cling to.

Of course, this isn't the only aspect that the Cross and the Resurrection have to me. But I guess this post is already long enough as it is [Biased]


 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Schroedinger's Cat pulls no punches in the Decent Christmas Songs thread in Heaven:
quote:
All I want for Christmas is not allowed. It may be slightly better than some, but that is just because it is a dried dog turd, not a liquid one.

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
In a similar note (pun intended), on the Annoying Christmas Songs thread in Hell, Miss Amanda cites

quote:
E'n so, here below, below,
Let steeple bells be swungen.
And "Io, io, io"
By priest and people sungen.

... which prompts this observation from Albertus:

quote:
You might sing io io but only if you were a cockney dwarf and it was off to work you were going

 
Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
Nonsense. Lots of larger people sing "I owe, I owe, I owe" as off to work they go.
 
Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :
 
This little gemster came from a clash of the Titans in Hell
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
It's like watching "Aliens VS Predator." If I were a guy, I would have a hard-on.

In no way biologically correct but what the heck.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Trudy Scrumptious in Keryg on the -er- more dramatic psalms:
quote:
"Oh Lord preserve me from mine enemies!" rhetoric leaves me picturing some of the psalmists as emo teenagers in skinny jeans with heavy black eyeliner.
[Big Grin]

[ 24. December 2013, 20:05: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Struth.

quote:
Originally posted by Porridge:
Fact is, we're all pretty dodgy. Get over it.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Similarity of our Heaven (and Purgatory and Hell) to any other places trading under the same name a bit variable - but at least they're here and now.

Firenze
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Sioni Sais in Hell

quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
He typifies the term "well-balanced" in that he has a chip on each shoulder.

[Killing me] [Killing me]

Totally stealing that line.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Patdys in AS:

quote:
I have the privilege working in palliative care.

If you are wondering,
Do the staff really care for our deceased friend or relative, for us, or is it an act, a part of the job?

My answer is yes, we care.
We share your stories, tears and laughter. We recognise the honour of being invited into your lives at this time, being part of your story and journey.

We don't always get it as right as we would wish. And I am sorry.

Your stories shape us.
We care.
And we remember.
[Votive]


 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Evensong on the Cranford thread in Hell:

quote:
]Damn.

I was enjoying being a supreme example of Christian perfection, secure in my righteousness.


 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
Firenze:
quote:
...emergency muffins...
[imagines muffins with jam stripes down the side and little flashing blue lights on top]
A day-brightener from Heaven! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Most of the 'Offenderati' thread in Hell. Brilliant.
 
Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
I have absolutely no idea why I found this so damn funny (well, except for the fact that it is), but here it is, a definitive etymology preserved for future citation in the OED:
quote:
Originally posted by Albertus:
quote:
Originally posted by Jade Constable:
...Kitchener was a wankbadger...

BTW Jade that's a grossly offensive thing to say.

You should know that the preferred term is People Who Have Non-Penetrative Sex With Woodland Animals. It's true that some of the more radical members of the PWHN-PSWWA community are trying to reclaim the word 'wankbadger' for themselves, but none of them would thank you for using it as a term of vulgar abuse.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Charlie-in-the-Box:
quote:
I will resist the urge to kick in the teeth anybody who asks me if I am going to get into shape this year. Apple IS a shape and I work hard to maintain it, thank you very much.
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Starbug (# 15917) on :
 
Another one from Charlie-in-the-Box, extracted from a much longer post. [Big Grin]

quote:
Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:
...I bet the prick who decided to say, "Staff report" on the business closing list doesn't even drag his ugly ass into work either. He belongs in the trench of hell where there is a phone that never stops ringing that you can't reach, a broken copier that can't be fixed and you are always late for a meeting that you can't find. Eat it work, eat a big one! [Mad] [Two face]


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I think we have a " person to watch" for 2014! [Cool]
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
'Ware, Charlie-in-the-box, our Kelly is fickle. She'll pay you attention only long as you feed her pithy quotes. The moment you wish to settle to solid, responsible posting, she flits away.
[Waterworks]
 
Posted by TurquoiseTastic (# 8978) on :
 
american piskie on the "Anglo-Catholic teaching" thread:
quote:

I do recall Fr David Nicholls giving some offence to his colleagues in the theology faculty by some tart observations on the Dessert Fathers.

Such as Abba Bakewell, I presume...
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
'Ware, Charlie-in-the-box, our Kelly is fickle. She'll pay you attention only long as you feed her pithy quotes. The moment you wish to settle to solid, responsible posting, she flits away.
[Waterworks]

Either that or I start calling you a friend.: D
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Originally posted by David:
Phase 5 isn't inevitable. Some Hell Hosts die before they get there.

I just realized that this is a threat. You complete bastard.
I'd be happier if someone had nominated me in the 2014 Death Pool [Frown]

 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Gildas rewrites the Creed for the CofE on the Priestly Genitalia thread over in DH:

quote:

We believe in the Authorised Version, the Book of Common Prayer, the rule of law, Parliamentary Democracy, not making windows into men's souls, the Music of George Friedrich Handel, custodial sentences for nonces, the autonomy of the reasoning intellect under God, standing alone after the fall of France, tolerance for eccentrics and blessed lunatics, the poetry of Herbert, Betjeman, Eliot and Hill, the Hanoverian Succession, the National Health Service, self-determination for the inhabitants of Gilbraltar and the Falkland Islands, the hymns of John Mason Neale and not taking ourselves too seriously. [clutches lapels, starts sounding like Jim Hacker] We are not now that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are; One equal temper of heroic hearts, Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Sorry, I may have got a bit carried away, there. [Biased]


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Clear-sightedness is always an asset here on the Ship...

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
What the ever lovin' fuck?

Sioni, did you leave the freak door unlocked again? We talked about this!

If the SOF freak door is left unlocked, it would result in a net loss of posters. The host lounge would be empty.

 
Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :
 
More like a 'freak crab-pot' really . Crawling in being easy , crawling out being less so
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Albertus, in Kerygmania, responding to a comment that Tolkien had served on the committee that developed the Jerusalem Bible:

quote:
2 These are the names of the twelve apostles: first, Simon, also known as Peter, and his brother Andrew; James son of Zebedee, and his brother John; 3 Philip and Bartholomew; Bilbo and Frodo; Samwise Gamgee and Peregrin Took; 4 Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Gollum, the one who betrayed him

 
Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Ariston rewrites Scripture for the Ship on Frank Mitchell's thread in Hell:

quote:
You should work out your posting with fear and trembling
Amen.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
From Secrets of the Universe in Hell.

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
We have some amazingly ignorant dumbasses who've been managing it around here for years.

1. Insulting

2. True.

Funny, accurate, concise, brilliant in context. In two words and a couple of numbers. [And the upper case and lower case "i"s perfectly placed.]

I bows me head with respect.

Honourable mention to comet for the perfect set-up for the slam-dunk home-run 109 yard kick-off return. Touchdown!
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Managing what?
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
says comet
quote:
opening a topic for discussion isn't really all that hard to grasp. seriously. We have some amazingly ignorant dumbasses who've been managing it around here for years.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Thank you. That makes a lot more sense.
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
From the Do You Exist thread in Purg:
quote:
Originally posted by quetzalcoatl:
It's quite brilliant, and cuts through centuries of turgid waffle.


 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
ken, in this thread on typography offered some excellent vocational advice as a bonus:

quote:
Comic Sans has no valid uses. If you find yourself thinking that it does, take that as a sign from God that you are not called to edify the church through typography.

 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
The king of Bashan just TOTALLY made my day.

I wonder if that sentence has ever been said, in any language, ever.
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Possibly by the Queen of Bashan? [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Sioni Sais, in the cricket thread, on Michael Vaughan (please, Michael, just STFU!)

quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
He's like G. Boycott without the tact and diplomacy.


 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
From Hell's TICTH by Mad Cat:
quote:

I got my letter from the shoulder people.

Did one of you bastards pray?



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Rarely do I archive a full-on Hell flame, but this one was just... masterful:

(After an all -caps response to a previous post)

quote:
Originally posted by Gildas:
Firstly, there is no point shouting at me. It's a somewhat over-rated tactic in the real world. On an Internet Bulletin Board you come across less as BRIAN BLESSED! and more as the sort of person who thinks that homosexuals and Romanians are stealing your bodily fluids. Secondly you need to learn how to spell "independent". Thirdly if you want to link to an accurate account of the shooting in question and, on the basis of the known facts, discuss how the Metropolitan Police were justified in shooting an innocent man and lying about it after the fact knock yourself out. But if you are just going to pull random bullshit out of your arse whilst doing the whole "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH BIT", the rest of us will be justified, I think, in concluding that you are a bit of a dick.

Let me know if you need me to explain any of the long words. Ta-ta now.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
And this one is kinda sweet:

quote:
Originally posted by quetzalcoatl:
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
I am going to sound like a complete, judgmental b!^@#, but I would qualify that as some people have layers. It truly is not a value judgement, though. Being layered or complex is not better, just different.

I don't think you're a b!@#, or if you are, that's just the top layer!



 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
got it in one:


quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
Originally posted by MrsBeaky:
I find it interesting that there appear to be two types of posting (maybe more?) here in Hell:

Those where the personality of the person as evidenced on other boards generally stays the same but with some agitation and swearing....
then there are those who appear to become a completely different and often very unpleasant person

I find it quite disconcerting/ bewildering which is why I rush back out again quickly...
Bye!

Down here we are, essentially, a psychology experiment that has gone completely feral.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Did you ever laugh so hard at something you were afraid you would rupture your abdominal muscles?

quote:
Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
Well, my mother so incensed me (and my siblings) by yet again turning up to Christmas and announcing that she had not had time to buy presents for anyone (despite having nothing at all to do all fucking year) so had nipped down to KMart that morning and bought us each a $2 torch and then proceeded to tell us about how she and my father have been planning their next overseas holiday, I spent at least half an our googling "Cheapest funerals". Lucky for her she didn't cark it that day, or she'd have been buried in a plastic bag, upright in a hole dug by a post hole digger, with no service at all.

I have calmed down somewhat now.


 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
got it in one:


quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
Originally posted by MrsBeaky:
I find it interesting that there appear to be two types of posting (maybe more?) here in Hell:

Those where the personality of the person as evidenced on other boards generally stays the same but with some agitation and swearing....
then there are those who appear to become a completely different and often very unpleasant person

I find it quite disconcerting/ bewildering which is why I rush back out again quickly...
Bye!

Down here we are, essentially, a psychology experiment that has gone completely feral.

Some are just more able to let their dark side rip than others. We all have one. [Biased]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
this MUST be saved. from the 2014 Ship in Preview:


quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
January 25th 2014

A Styx thread is started complaining about the software. The Admins point out that they are well aware of the need for an upgrade, and are looking at options.

February 1st 2014

A Styx thread is started complaining about the software. Spike rolls his eyes in exasperation.

February 23rd 2014

A Styx thread is started complaining about the software. Marvin starts drinking.

March 8th 2014

A Styx thread is started complaining about the software. Kelly punches a puppy.

April 29th 2014

A Styx thread is started complaining about the software. Tubbs punches through a wall.

May 18th 2014

A Styx thread is started complaining about the software. RooK bites through a steel girder.

June 1st 2014

A Styx thread is started complaining about the software. Alan Cresswell utters a mild obscenity.

July 12th 2014

After a week-long break during which the Ship is offline, the long-awaited software upgrade is finally revealed. The new boards are faster and more resilient, the new fully-integrated Cafe is a marvel of user friendliness, and the search function actually works even for Oblivion.

July 13th 2014

Six different Shipmates start threads in Styx complaining about how crap the new software is and how much better the old system was.

July 14th 2014

The Admins, in a fit of exasperation brought on by having to deal with all the bloody moaning, resign en masse. The six complainers step into the vacant Admin roles.

July 21st 2014

The new Admins finally realise what they've let themselves in for. Two delete their own profiles just to escape, one is sectioned by his concerned family after ten straight hours of rocking back and forth in a chair mumbling about trollpuppets, and one features on the late-night news having attempted to destroy the internet itself by bombing AOL's corporate headquarters. The remaining two resolve to track down their predecessors in an attempt to get them to take over again.

September 30th 2014

The only former Admin not yet located, RooK, is found in an armoured bunker just north of Barquisimento, Venezuala. On being visited by a delegation seeking to get him to return to the Admin role he expresses a mild unwillingness to do so. There are no survivors.

November 9th 2014

After being visited by a second - more cautious - delegation, RooK admits that he was just kidding about the whole "not wanting to return" thing and says he'd be delighted to come back. There are no survivors.

November 20th 2014

The original Admins make their triumphant return to the Ship. Over the next few weeks they painstakingly work to repair the damage caused by the four months of misrule.

December 16th 2014

The boards are back to normal.

December 17th 2014

A Styx thread is started complaining about the software. There are no survivors.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Difficult Relatives Left at the Altar.

(A good place to put them, I'd have thought....)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
You outdid yourself, Marv. [Overused]

(And just for the record--punching puppies??? [Eek!] [Waterworks] )

[ 24. January 2014, 23:02: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
No comment. [Eek!]

quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:

quote:
Originally posted by comet:
my Bingo-impressing massive, sexy brains

I would love to get my hands on your huge hemispheres, to slowly and systematically scan their structure, probe their functional responses gently with some gradient echoes, and trace their diffusive properties to find those elusive connections to deeper, much deeper centres of spontaneous activity...

...but unfortunately the MR scanner is all booked this week.


 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
You outdid yourself, Marv. [Overused]

(And just for the record--punching puppies??? [Eek!] [Waterworks] )

FWIW Marv, that's up there with The Blessed Kenwritez's "Interpretive Dance" thread.
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Chorister hits it on the head on the coffee/churchmanship thread in Heaven:
quote:
If you go too high up the candle, of course, a miracle occurs and the coffee turns into GIN.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
We have a winner on the weather thread.

quote:
Originally posted by Kyzyl:
What have I learned from this winter? That an 86lb golden retriever can poop in under a minute if he has the incentive of blowing snow and wind chill.


 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
lilBuddha, on the 'Difficult Relatives' thread in Hell:

quote:
Other than the one atop your head, did you have a point?

 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
And from the same thread, when B62 says a thing like this to you, you can be about 150% sure that you are in the wrong:

quote:
originally posted by Barnabas62:

Of course you can be pissed off with the pissed off. Which in turn gives everyone else the right to be pissed off with you. Which they are. And, frankly, who can blame them? Empathy level epsilon minus moron. Not even semi-moron. O brave new world, that has such assholes in it.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is how to flame with class [Cool] .
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
From "Words that could have changed History":
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
"Steve, it only lasted ten issues. Why the heck would it be any more successful as a website?"

"You're right Simon. I don't know what I was thinking..."

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
Another nice thread ruined. Some of us were getting a bit of harmless relief, venting about the things our loved ones do that drive us crazy, but Francophile had to come along and lecture us all about not being grateful for our hot water bottles of passive aggression and iced cakes of inconvenience, and Spike had to drop in to tell us that if we (or I) were "looking for sympathy we wouldn't get it here," sounding just like the "I'll give you something to cry about," parent, and Comet, smelling her favorite blood source, had to jump in to tell me to get the fuck over my delicate little snowflake self as it's not all about me and Left at the Altar had to rush in to agree with her about me before telling Francophile, three or four times, that, clearly his mother doesn't love him. Because she knows.

Just once, I wish we could keep the anger all going in the same direction without allowing ourselves to be sidetracked this way.

Totally made me smile. [Smile]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Jengie, on the 'Irreverent' thread:

at the heart of the most reverent worship is often a bubble of laughter waiting to get out.

 
Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :
 
Bax, on the 'what if they're right? fear and what to do about it' thread:

quote:
Being a Christian is not about being right, it’s about being forgiven for being wrong.
[Overused]
 
Posted by St. Stephen the Stoned (# 9841) on :
 
Before Dafyd posted this there may have been some who did not understand the expression "friend of Dorothy".
quote:

And the Holy Spirit came upon Jonathan and he prophesied that there shall be a woman. And she shall sing a song of a rainbow, and there shall be somewhere over the rainbow, and that somewhere shall be a land that the woman shall dream of; and the birds shall fly over the rainbow, saith the Lord. And David and Jonathan did admire that woman greatly.


 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
From the same thread:
quote:
Originally posted by Gildas:
That may be a queer reading of the Bible, but not in the sense you mean.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by piglet:
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
... worship band cupboard ...

You keep your worship band in a cupboard? What an excellent idea - I should leave them in there if I were you.

[Devil]


 
Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :
 
From the "Difficult Relatives" thread in Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
The fact that I know that it's "just" planetary rotation causing a distant ball of fusing hydrogen nuclei to come into view from my position in such a way that some of the photons released from said fusion reactions are refracted in the atmosphere and detected by the cone cells in my eye, which then pass information down my optic nerve in such a way that the visual centre of my brain interprets it as colours in the red end of the visual spectrum doesn't stop me from saying "what a beautiful sunrise".



 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Name changed to protect the guilty:

quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
I read every word of X's post at 6:59 and it caused my tinnitus to flare up.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
It's kind of a good multi-purpose template. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Originally posted by The Midge:

.... The Church is a mere foreshadow of heaven. It is a holiday brochure that actually shows the unfinished hotel, predicts the air traffic control strikes and volcanic ash clouds, is searching for lost luggage and treating the Delhi Belly. It speaks a foreign language half the time too. I don't blame you for wishing you weren't here. ...
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
I came here to post that, myself. A gem! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Name changed to protect the guilty:

quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
I read every word of X's post at 6:59 and it caused my tinnitus to flare up.


Somehow I knew without looking ..
 
Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :
 
Wonderful description of God from Kelly Alves:

I don't know what heresy I might have been spouting, but I once burbled in my high school confirmation class that I thought God was never-changing and ever-changing-and I used the ocean as a metaphor. The ocean is always the ocean, but it is also always moving, striking the shore, changing the beach, pulling stuff back into itself,claiming life, generating it--always changing. The Pastor just looked at me like, maybe Cromwell had the right idea about heretics, and went on as if I had said nothing.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
On the snake handling thread currently in purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
Some things Our Lord gave us for our edification and growth in the faith.
Some things he gave us so that we might approach our Heavenly Father with awe and trembling.
Some things he gave us to inspire us with the beauty of the Lord.
And some things, he just gave us to weed out the idiots.


 
Posted by Jemima the 9th (# 15106) on :
 
lilBuddha in Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
Needing to change some other person's mind, or needing that other person to conform to what you believe they ought to think, is co-dependency.

[Eek!] O. M. G. I'm co-dependent with the entire internet!
I can't decide whether to print this out & stick it to my PC screen, or despair that my life has suddenly lost all meaning. [Waterworks]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Great catch. [Overused]
 
Posted by Jemima the 9th (# 15106) on :
 
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Speechless before the beauty of this simple pair of sentences:

quote:
Originally posted by Lilbuddha:

Actor Shia LeBeouf has recently finished a performance art. The piece appears to be an apology for plagerised apologies for plagerising. The performance itself appears derivative.


 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
From the thread in the Styx announcing TonyK's retirement as Dead Horses host:

quote:
Originally posted by hart:
"Twelve years a host" -- didn't they make a movie about that recently?


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ack! You beat me to it!

That crack was the croissant to go with my afternoon coffee.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Dead Horses Hosting Curiosity Killed - surprised it lasted as long as 12 years, most would have lost their curiosity years ago.
 
Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :
 
Referring to childrens work, but could just as easily apply to some adult congregations [Big Grin]

quote:
Originally posted by TheAlethiophile:
a play time where we encourage sharing, community and not hitting one another over the head with a plastic sheep.


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Nicely played. [Big Grin]

quote:
Originally posted by TheAlethiophile:
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
The obvious to me is that this debate is ridiculous.
Science' goal is to explain the workings of the universe.
Religion's goal is to find a meaning.
One v. the other is futile and silly.

Welcome to Dead Horses!

 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Surely I can't be the only one who enjoyed this particular one-liner from IngoB?

quote:
A Buddhist fighting a Christian? The sound of one hand clapping on the other cheek.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
No. It provoked a grin . [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Meg the Red (# 11838) on :
 
From the divine Ms. Alves, on the TICTH thread:

quote:

I am not your angst-sponge

Seriously, if this ever appears on a t-shirt, I'm buying a dozen.

(Just hoping my friends don't want one as well [Paranoid] )
 
Posted by Gildas (# 525) on :
 
SvitlanaV2 on silence in church:

quote:
My impression is that most church traditions are quite uncomfortable with worshipful silence - although they don't try to cut down on 'dead time' during transitions from one activity to another.
Abso-fragging-lutely dammit!
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From no prophet:

quote:
Maybe Jesus is on Twitter.

Jesus of Nazareth @jesusnazar tweeted (3:21pm)
#mygod my god why have you #forsakenme #golgotha #bleeding #thissucks

God @godalmighty retweeted (3:45pm)


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Uriel made me smile today: My main role is househusband, which I love and gives me a lot of satisfaction. But it isn't on the list because although it is a lot of work and many, many people do it, it isn't paid.

In a way I like my job sneaking under the radar. It means the government doesn't introduce OFParent, and send failed parents with clipboards to my house to measure how badly I am doing.

 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
la vie en rouge on the Heavenly Opera Pedants thread refers to a production of The Magic Flute as being wonderful:

*Apart from the first ten minutes or so, which were Out. Of. Tune. Which is a bugger, because you sit there going “Oh crap, am I going to sit through three hours of no one singing in key?” The show was basically saved when the Queen of the Night turned up and nailed her first aria, at which point her colleagues all went “Oh yeah, that’s how you sing in tune” and bucked their ideas up .

[ 27. March 2014, 11:27: Message edited by: Sioni Sais ]
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Part of quetzalcoatl's observations on the effect of the legalisation of same-sex marriage on a heterosexual relationship:

quote:
At the stroke of midnight, both my wife and I noticed a sudden lurch in our hitherto blissful mood. We looked at each other with barely concealed spite and envy; we hissed like cats in the night. At five past, I spat out, 'how about divorce?', and she spat back, 'name the day'.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Kelly Alves's insight on Silence, in Ecclesiantics: It's almost like the presence of noise outside gives shape and tangibility to the silence inside.
 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
Deep truth surprising me on a thread about organising church retreats.

quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by leo:


At the end of the day, we face our Maker alone.


At the end of the day, we face our Maker alongside Jesus.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Curiosity Killed: I knew I shouldn't have posted on this thread.
Classic quote - if only more people thought this before posting!
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Curiosity Killed: I knew I shouldn't have posted on this thread.
Classic quote - if only more people thought this before posting!

It would be a bit less interesting here if they did and Simon would have closed the site for lack of postings.
 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
It was a specific thread. My post on that thread meant an inference was made that I was volunteering for something. That particular response was me turning down the opportunity by outing myself as much as anything.
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
I do not think Chorister was aiming at you specifically or the context of your specific post. Just the words unattached from any particular content.
My reply certainly was not aimed at anyone.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The following is what happens when you let the damn philosophers take the steering wheel of the Hell bus:
quote:
Originally posted by Gee D:
quote:
Originally posted by Zach82:

Those passages are actually really important. The conjugation and the declension are the important parts. Das Rot takes an ~es because it's das Pferd. Das Kind becomes dem Kind in the dative tense. If you threw in another adjective, it would be dem jugen Kind.

Mebbe you already knew that. I'll be quiet now.


It's a while since I last heard reference to the dative tense, rather than case - many thanks for bringing back ancient memories.

But as for the rest of your post. It's appalling. No reference to the poor ablative at all. There it is, stuck at the end of most declensions I've heard. all by its own, no friend to be with and all flows from it. Sheer casist behaviour if you ask em, and I hope that others will join me in expressing outrage at it.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
The following is what happens when you let the damn philosophers take the steering wheel of the Hell bus:

Philosophers debating German grammar for some reason reminds me of this.
 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Lots more faffing with grammar by IngoB and Zach82 brought forth this gem from mousethief -

quote:
All right you two, get a room for your conjugational visitation.
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Tubbs (# 440) on :
 
Alan Cresswell invents a new variant of his own law on the Evangelical Alliance thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
A discussion in which only one answer is possible sounds tedious, not to mention pointless.

Genius!

Tubbs
 
Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :
 
I'm not sure, that might be my first entry in the quotes file.
 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
No, that was a decade ago.

Jengie
 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
If Hell were a sex toy shop, this thread would be the blow-up sheep.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The madness continues as Ariston hints about possible rubber sheep experiences in his history:
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Inflatabeastiality. [Disappointed] This thread has sunk to a new low, even for Hell.

Well, at least we know what floats Ariston's boat.
Not that we are judging, mind....Oh Hell, yes we are. Jesus Christ on a unicycle, that is just weird. Hey quetz, got a patient for you.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
If Hell were a sex toy shop, this thread would be the blow-up sheep.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Zappa, in Ecclesiantics, on Canon Law:
quote:

I can't speak for my US colleagues, but I tend to turn a deaf eye [sic] to the canons because

But you know. That's just me. [Roll Eyes]


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Pyx_e on ken's thread:
quote:
Into your hands O merciful Saviour, we commend your servant Ken. Acknowledge, we pray, a sheep of your own fold, a lamb of your own flock, a sinner of your own redeeming. Amen.

o/ Ken, looking forward to the glorious day when you can fully explain to all of us in great detail some theological point, while the Man sits behind you nodding His head along with you. I don't think it will add to your post count though.

Everything will be alright, don't be afraid, love is here.

Amen
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Amen. Thank you, Pyx.
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
I just love this sentence:

quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
This is like saying that both mining and dancing depend on muscular power.

For those of you insist on reading it IN context, you can find it here. But I didn't feel I could quote it in context without diluting its beauty.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Hey! I'm quoting deano!
quote:
Never mind the thumb or fingertip test, ladies skirts and sermons should test each other...

Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to be interesting.


 
Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
I remember that line about dresses from a Reader's Digest of the '50s.

Nothing like an oldie!
 
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Tradition gets you so far, but it is the carrier of the content of belief, not the reason for belief.

Profound and brief, a rare gift.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
anoesis speaks Great Truth™ on why new mamas don't generally like to put out.
quote:
Originally posted by anoesis:
when you are a mobile lactation unit who is also wrist deep in excrement or vomit a number of times a day, no amount of chores/foot massages/deep baths are going to make you want to have any more interface with bodily fluids than you are already having...


 
Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
Originally posted by The Bunny with an Axe:
quote:
Team Admin has received a directive straight from God informing us the Ariston has a hell of a lot of karma to work off, so we are clamping leg irons on him before he can escape his interim Hell Host position


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Whatever else happened with the pudding, a Maryland license plate, a five-pack of mini ballpoint pens, and a bar of chocolate, it certainly wasn't that bad, was it?
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
From lilBuddha in the Offencelessness thread here in The Circus, talking about yours truly

...I am forced to compliment you on your amazing disguise as a clueless, senile and delusional pensioner.

Thank you, I have to tell you that for a guy with a brain the size of a planet it takes a deal of effort.

I laughed out loud and get some very strange looks when I first read this.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Gonna piss everyone off by getting this one first:

quote:
Originally posted by comet:

if the worst anyone ever can say about me is that I'm a fashion accident, I'm letting down my side.

(giggle)
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Leaf, on a thread about whether clergy are lazy if they don't hold Ascension Day services midweek:

quote:
how deficient we must all be in your sight! How insufficiently arsed!

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Funny retort by Wesley J on 'Famous Last Posts' thread in Circus:

Rid me of this troublesome... Eutychus

So he was chucked out of that window after all?!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
"Ask a silly question" dept.:

quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
quote:
Originally posted by EtymologicalEvangelical:
Are you both grown men, able to stand on your own two feet?

Nope, not me. I'm a brainwashed slave of tradition. I haven't had a rational thought in about a decade. And I understand as objective truth whatever my ecclesial overlords dictate. Sorry to disappoint.
...
Damn. I really shouldn't have talked to you without asking Rome for permission first. There will be beatings, mark my words, there will be beatings. But now you must excuse me - I have to carefully tear these pages out of a bible to have a neat pile of toilet paper available, for whenever our Lord Bishop returns from raping helpless infants in the orphanage. Every word of scripture is useful in that way, you know?


 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
orfeo on a Heaven thread (which may well move to Purgatory)

quote:
Honestly, just because someone was an evil tyrant doesn't mean they didn't know anything. In fact, I'd say you usually have to be pretty smart to plot your rise to evil tyrant status.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Originally posted by daisydaisy, about deciding what stuff to get rid of each year:
quote:

... anything that didn't move (and sometimes even the cats look worried) ...


 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Kaplan Corday, on the 'barbarous neologisms' thread in Heaven, displays wit and economy:

quote:
Thinking about barbarisms, many people are guilty of dangling participles.

 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
For the etymologically interested, The Silent Acolyte is in brilliant form:

quote:
Originally posted by The Silent Acolyte:
quote:
Originally posted by Evensong:
How do you get restoration from ἀποκαταστάσεως

[Confused]

Away from (Apo)
going down/according to (Kata)
standing/insurrection (stasis)

You can arrive at the meaning of uninflammable by breaking it up:

       un + in + flam + able

and then sussing the sense out as "the quality of being insusceptible to breaking out in flame," but then you leave aside the meaning of "not irascible."

As well, the idea that florescence comes from florescens, or to bloom, helps you in botanical contexts, but it leaves aside the metaphorical meaning of "flourishing", which ill serves you when you run across "florescence" in a paper on salts staining the surface of water-soaked stone (a florescence of salts on the surface). You stray even further afield when you encounter the abbreviation of another form of this Latin word, floruit, when you read "fl. ca. 3rd cent" in some tiny-print footnote. It means "he wrote mostly around the third century."

To get at ἀποκαταστάσεως, when, like me, your license for Greek is restricted largely to doing word studies, you need more help.

The place to start, and probably stop, is to look up ἀποκατάστασις in Newman's Greek-English Dictionary that is bound into many UBS Greek New Testaments. There you find: "restoration", plain and simple. Do stop there.

However, if you are blessed with more books and idle time than sense, you can go to BDAG and read the short article there, which gives you three contexts for the use of the word and a verbal cognate:
  1. the return of a heavenly body (e.g., the sun) to its starting point,
  2. the return of a thing to its perfection (the sense here), or,
  3. in diplomatic documents, the return of a governmental state to "normal conditions and stability" (the sense in Acts 1:6, "restore the kingdom to Israel").
If you are sick abed, but not that sick, you can continue on to Louw & Nida's semantic domains dictionary of the NT to find that the verb is used in Mk. 3:5 ("he stretched out his hand and it was restored" or "healed").

All these books should be found in your local seminary library reference section.

That, my dear Evensong, is how you get "restoration" from ἀποκαταστάσεως. (The bit about healing was welcomed news to me. Thank you.)


 
Posted by TheAlethiophile (# 16870) on :
 
Perspective is everything:
quote:
Originally posted by daronmedway:
quote:
Originally posted by Twangist:
"Spiritual attack" is often charismatic-ese for "bad luck".

"Bad luck" is often the Pagan-ese for "spiritual attack". [Smile]

 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
lilBuddha superbly encapsulates just who does and doesn't deserve the kind of support that underdogs tend to get:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
You know, an underdog is someone in a difficult position through circumstances beyond there control. Not some who starts on level ground, then grabs a shovel and starts digging.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
That should be carved in stone. [Overused]
 
Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 
From the same thread where lilBuddha clarified the term "underdog" comes this gem about the word "literal":

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
There's:

literal
literal literal
literally literal
literal but not literal
woodenly literal
literal but not woodenly literal
not so much literal as literal
infallibly literal
literally infallible
literal but not infallible
inerrant but not infallible
literally inerrant but not literally infallible
infallibly literal but not inerrant
inherently literal
literal, where 'literal' means literal
alliterative
lateral
Lateran
Later
Late
La
La
La
I
Can't
Hear
You


 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
BroJames on biblical innerancy

quote:
Originally posted by BroJames:
quote:
Originally posted by Kaplan Corday:
quote:
Originally posted by Squirrel:
They still preach things like biblical inherency,

Is that the dogma that you should inherit a Bible rather than buy one for yourself?
No, no you're thinking of biblical inheritancy. Biblical inherency is the belief that whatever I believe is inherently present in the Bible (even if it's not obvious to anyone else) because my beliefs are inerrant and cannot be contradicted by the Bible.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
This series of posts comes from the hell thread "Paintings Release Redemption." Eutychus' payoff line is worth the trip.

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
OK, I can't take it anymore-- can someone tell me what "releasing redemption" even means?

quote:
Originally posted by The Rhythm Methodist:
Releasing things, like prophecy, "words"(or in this case redemption) is a charismatic affectation which is designed to lend importance to what they say and, of course, to themselves.

quote:
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch:
So, is it like the way a company releases a new version of software?

quote:
Originally posted by Snags:
I seriously hope my redemption isn't in beta ...

quote:
Originally posted by Eutychus:
What do you think Alpha courses are for?


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Gwai demonstrates her deep knowledge of board culture:



quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Is this the wrong time to point to studies which indicate people are generally not as intelligent as they presume? [Angel]

quote:
Originally posted by Gwai:
And if it is the right time, is it intelligent to tell people that one when of them is an admin?

(Besides, they're both easier to manage for the rest of us when they're deluded.)


 
Posted by TheAlethiophile (# 16870) on :
 
Karl, posing the pertinent questions that we all think, but daren't ask.
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
Indeed, there is an open question why, if the Church is a body, that body needs so many arseholes.


 
Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by TheAlethiophile:
Karl, posing the pertinent questions that we all think, but daren't ask.
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
Indeed, there is an open question why, if the Church is a body, that body needs so many arseholes.


I can't claim credit for that one. It's one of my vicar's favourite sayings. We're thinking of having it on T-shirts to sell at Greenbelt this year, along with "Post Happy-Clappy"

[ 02. July 2014, 09:52: Message edited by: Karl: Liberal Backslider ]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
quote:
Originally posted by TheAlethiophile:
Karl, posing the pertinent questions that we all think, but daren't ask.
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
Indeed, there is an open question why, if the Church is a body, that body needs so many arseholes.


I can't claim credit for that one. It's one of my vicar's favourite sayings.
Your vicar gets a [Overused] from me!
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
A description of the Ship boards other than Hell.

quote:
Originally posted by Kaplan Corday:
quote:
Originally posted by passer:
...which implies that the rest of the boards are all conducted in the style of some kind of ghastly mediaeval pavane.

More like a tarantella at times, but most of the time something like a barn dance in the village hall, with competent dancers taking it seriously, others just participating for fun, gatecrashers coming and going, fights being dealt with by security, drunks trying to play the band's instruments, couples' spats (with or without tears), someone trying to spike the punch, and a steady stream of girls going to the toilets together.

 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
IngoB on dogpiling in Hell.

quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
You and the bloody underdog-defender are spectacularly bad at giving any kind of criterion for identifying this dogpiling other than 'the bits I don't like'.

FWIW, I have no particular attachment to underdogs, but I still consider the regular dog-piling in Hell to be (1) evident and (2) unhelpful.

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
The whole reason for asking you about this stuff is that I'm a Host, and I'm holding out the ever-so-faint hope that either of you have some meaningful food for thought here. You don't. You have a vague vibe that says that people heatedly expressing their opinion is absolutely fine until a number of people heatedly express the same opinion in agreement with each other.

You are confusing individual and group behaviour. Let us for the sake of argument assume that it is licit or even helpful for individual Shipmates to scream abuse at each other in Hell. It is then of course the case that by the usual principles of equal treatment for all, every single individual of say a group of twenty Shipmates is perfectly in their rights to scream abuse at one particular Shipmate, the one at the bottom of the dog pile. At least they certainly all can be within their rights, if they are genuinely outraged etc.

This however does not mean at all that there is no difference in the cumulative effect. Being shouted at by twenty just is different from being shouted at by one or two. And of course, you yourself have acknowledged that already. Except that you tried to construct a cumulative outcome that is somehow positive. Your claim was that because the person at the bottom of the dog pile sees very different people scream at them about the same thing, people that perhaps usually rather scream at each other, they will realise that the critique is justified. Consequently, they will reconsider their behaviour, reform themselves and the world will become a better place.

That is ... possible. It probably even has happened in the living memory of the present Shipmates. It is however not very likely at all. Other things are a lot more likely, and generally the outcomes are not positive. A lot of people will simply be intimidated by so much opposition. This may lead to them not showing up, or "flouncing" at the first opportunity, or issuing a fake apology just to get out. Any sort of real dialogue gets no chance there at all. Other people will think "the more, the merrier" and will produce sheer endless and enormously repetitive threads as they take on everybody in turn. Since it is near impossible to "peace out" so many people at once, this ends usually just in mindless exhaustion when really nobody can even bear turning to they latest post on page 15+. Other people feed on the aggressive emotions raised, and will attempt to derail any such thread into their favourite little corner of hate and abuse. The more people are screaming at each other, the easier it becomes to find a pivot point to turn the debate onto a tangent. Etc.

There are also other effects that one can consider good or bad (though I personally consider them mostly bad). For example, the sheer number of voices raised against someone can greatly encourage yet another person to join the chorus. It appears then, simply by virtue of numbers, to have become socially acceptable or even virtuous to attack this particular person. One could argue that this will help some timid people to genuinely express their anger. But frankly, I think it mostly just unleashes a kind of negative creativity: as the others are so nicely beating on that person, let me find some new angle where I can hit them as well. And as these things go, doing such things often creates its own justification, i.e., one convinces oneself that the nasty things one says are well deserved because if they weren't one surely would not have said them.

There is, in fact, very little value to adding more and more emotionally charged voices to a discussion. This generally adds little content (most of the contributions are of the type "damn right, and here's another example of how this person is bad in this way"), and simply pours on group pressure. Two people might find a way to negotiate their difficulties in a reasonable manner. It is however rather unlikely that anything resembling a fair process will happen between one person on one side, and a dozen on the other. The balance of power is just too uneven. There is a lot of relentless pressure on the single person, but almost none on the members of the group. They can always reassure each other that they are in the right, they have no real need to question their own role.

There is of course one final justification that can be given for the dog pile, and that is that it acts as a kind of purification mechanism. That is to say, while the process itself is rather obviously one-sided and unfair, at least in the long term it eliminates the worst offenders. Apart from the question whether the end can justify the means, experience however tells us otherwise. The worst offenders usually don't care about dog piles, in fact, it seems that some of them positively delight in getting yet another one on top of them. All attention is good attention...

<snip>

Anyway, if Evensong is indeed rather absurdly helping ever "underdog", regardless of their actual position, then this need not have anything to do with a crazy kind of egalitarian / anarchic approach to opinion. It can simply be considered as a kind of passive resistance to the systemic unfairness of Hell. You could argue that complaining about Hell is supposed to be done in Styx, not by messing with Hell. Well, that is officially the case. However, trying to change the Ship via posting in Styx is, shall we say, an uphill battle. Where the hill in question is Olympus Mons. Whereas the pretensions of Hell to be a kind of everything goes place make it rather easy to mess with it. So it would be entirely understandable if people who don't like the current Hell are trying to subvert it. Perhaps Evensong simply needs to be a bit more subtle about that...


 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
I am not sure that is really a pithy quote ....
 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Doublethink - there's been some comment on that choice of quote in Hell where it originated
 
Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :
 
Quoted for truth. (And because I found it amusing.)

quote:
Originally posted by Tubbs:
Jesus tossed tables, threw money all over the place and shouted whilst waving a whip of cords whilst cleansing the Temple. When pondering WWJD, it's comforting to know that this is within the realms of possibility.


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Og nods across the Circus ring from one game thread (football) to another:

quote:
Originally posted by Og: Thread Killer:
I find myself being chaotically neutral about all this.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by jbohn:
Quoted for truth. (And because I found it amusing.)

The quotes thread is becoming the equivalent of the "Like" button on Facebook. No longer a collection of good quotes and quips, it's a way to reward people for posting things we agree with.
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
Take it to the styx.

Doublethink
Circus Host
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Quite right; sorry.
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Originally posted by Ariel in the "What are you wearing?" thread in Heaven:
quote:
Blue and white cotton floral print flared skirt tied with matching sash, indigo top, with cardigan of almost the same blue as the flowers on the skirt. Pearl drop earrings, white summer shoes.
to which Twilight replied:
quote:
Ariel, you dress exactly the way I've always pictured you. The strange thing is -- so does Welease Woderwick.
I'm now struggling with a vision of WW in a cotton floral skirt and pearl ear-rings ... [Eek!]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
There was that fancy dress party in Manchester in 1980 something...
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
God is kind to authors, and feeds them like the ravens in the desert with good things.

From the banqueting place that is "Difficult Relatives". [Snigger]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Firenze, in the barbarous neologisms thread in heaven, using "problematic" as a noun:

And here we have the new XL600 Problematic with fully-adjustable rotary blades, improved suction, LED display, integral hostess trolley and a cruising speed of 70 mph.

ETA: as I said there, I think this is worthy of KenWritez. Maybe we should have an annual KenWritez award for his kind of cleverness.

[ 12. July 2014, 14:53: Message edited by: mousethief ]
 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
Mousethief omits his own comment:
quote:
I much prefer integral hostess trolleys to derivative ones.

 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Pyx_e in the "Choosing a Candidate for) Voluntary Euthanasia" thread in Hell:

"3 points, mostly already made.

In 20 years of ministry I have never known anyone suffer terribly. The morphine thing is just true.

I know this is the age we live in but the venality of some adult/children of elder folk astonishes me. I have heard them complain that being in a nursing home is "wasting" their inheritance. I have often heard conversations which would take only the lightest straw to reach, "it's best we let them go now, they have no quality of life."

Lastly thousands of people die at their own hands every year. Assisted suicide is a misnomer. If I was that desperate to go I would simply refuse food and water and be expected to be helped to be pain free.

It is the mark of a decadent culture that so many are so afraid and unfamiliar with dying and death that they attempt to make that some hallmark moment too. It is a mess, so is life . It is not the living or dying that matters it is how we live and die. Pray God with hope and a sense of adventure. Not mewling as our kids pump us full of shit so they can go to the Maldives or their inheritance to get over the trauma.

Ghouls.

Pyx_e"
 
Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :
 
Kelly shares some of her personal life in the Styx:

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Lately all the big stuff happens when I'm in bed...

Well, it amused the inner teenager. [Two face]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ojalá*, as they say.


*Roughly, your mouth to God's ears.

[ 17. July 2014, 21:49: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
I find this enchanting:

quote:
Originally posted by ChastMastr:
quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
Do you actually think that the Logos, the Second Person of the Trinity as God wanders into the Trinitarian kitchen, sees the First Person and says "Morning, Dad"?

Well, apart from the "kitchen" existing beyond all space and time (and thus perhaps not permitting wandering into or out of, since that implies both, though the image of a kitchen does perhaps suggest the concept of creation (we're like gingerbread people, you see)), and the Son eternally beholds and communicates with the Father in an endless realm of light (would that count as "morning" in a sense if it never begins nor ends?)...

 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Leorning Cniht:
Kelly shares some of her personal life in the Styx:

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Lately all the big stuff happens when I'm in bed...

Well, it amused the inner teenager. [Two face]
Hmmmph. Not amusing if you are not invited.
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Shroedinger's Cat hits it on the head in the Musical Jokes thread in Heaven:
quote:
A bagpipe is a bag, filled with hot air, and making a droning noise.

As is Alex Salmond.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Dafyd, over on 'Gay Sex- being and doing' in DH:
quote:
Originally posted by Starlight: Although I am still eager to hear all about why gay sex is bad
That's obvious. It leads to interior decorating. Interior decoration might involve graven images. Will nobody think of the children?!

[ 31. July 2014, 16:41: Message edited by: Albertus ]
 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
Eliab, over on 'Gay Sex- being and doing' in DH:
What I find so compelling about the arguments for an infallible Church is the tender compassion and sheer, transcendent, grace with which they are invariably expressed. While my reason makes me hesitate, my heart cannot but feel that the fortunate adherents of these sects do have access to a fullness of the gospel that is denied to me.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
lilBuddha, capturing a certain attitude toward women (which she assuredly doesn't share):

quote:
Woman, cleave to your man. The clitoris doesn't make babies.

 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Boogie's excellent explanation of why we have diseases:
quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
God created the conditions for total freedom, so that we can have total freedom to choose. We could not love Him without that and He did all this for Love imo. Horrible those bacteria and viruses are to us, they are necessary to a system which works the way it does - freedom to evolve.


 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
An wondrous demolition of some fundie clap-trap about 'gays'

posted by lilBuddha
quote:
That contains so many levels of stupid it is hard to know where to start.
[Overused] [Overused] [Overused]
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Probably breaking a rule, but this exchange on the Famous Last Posts thread.

Hedgehog
Does the bible have...Oscar the Grouch

I believe he is in Paul's First Letter to the Sesamestreetians.


Oscar the Grouch
Is that the epistle that ends "The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God and the grumpiness of the Holy Bigot be with you"?

Hedgehog
If you are thinking of the one with The Count in the background shouting "One! One member of the Holy Trinity! Two! Two members of the Holy Trinity...", then yes, that's the one.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
On the reasons why it might be a good idea for Hosts and Admins to leave outrageous posts as they stand on the Ship:

quote:
Originally posted by Ariston:
"By their fruits ye shall know them" and all that, right? Sometimes you let them be known as kinda fruity.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Nicely put.

quote:
Originally posted by Gildas:
[B]ecause the speaker is a Christian it would be terminally naive to assume that his or her pronouncements were the outworking of Holy Charity. Equally, just because someone claims to be a rationalist it does not follow that their view are necessarily rational.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
And he strikes again:

quote:
Originally posted by Gildas:
Courage, Grasshopper, lies in learning not to wet one's bed. Blaming the Islamists for making your Action Man pyjamas smell of wee is not an adequate substitute.


 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
One shouldn't anthropomorphise objects. They don't like it.

I love how Firenze thinks! [Smile]
 
Posted by W Hyatt (# 14250) on :
 
Leaf on the "Flags" thread in Ecclesiantics:

quote:
God hates flags.
[Overused]

[ 08. September 2014, 01:44: Message edited by: W Hyatt ]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Enoch on why church numbers are down:

We have spent too much time in my lifetime watering down the faith. To make it acceptable to people who aren't interested, too many of our public representatives remove any reason why anyone might get any impression they need bother anyway.
 
Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Bumping for Wood!

Context? We don't need no stinkin' context.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Fr. Weber reflects on mass produced individually packaged communion kits:

quote:
Originally posted by Fr Weber:
Just the thing when you need a little Snackrament.

[Disappointed] People, people, people. That sat there for four days!
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
Textual commentary, very important.

DT
Circstyx Host
 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
Clever quotes from Shipmates? Go to Hell.

Trudy Scrumptious
Increasingly Arbitrary Kerygmania Host
 
Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
…the fuck?

Yeah, eff this. Not here. Can we call this "Ship community building" and drop kick it to somewhere in the next time zone, like All Saints?

*drop*

*BOOM!*

—Ariston, Hellhost
 
Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Where haven't we been? * know - those folk in Eccles could do with a few witty remarks that don't come our of aBig Black Book on a stand.

Firenze
All Heavaints Host
 
Posted by Sober Preacher's Kid (# 12699) on :
 
They'd better be biblically-focused.

SPK, Eccles Ruling Elder Pro Tem
 
Posted by Sober Preacher's Kid (# 12699) on :
 
Not a single biblically-focused quote. Apparently you need more study.

Off you go to Kerygmania.

SPK, Greater Breadcrumb
 
Posted by Nigel M (# 11256) on :
 
Ermmmm.... So then...
quote:
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was without shape and empty, and darkness was over the surface of the watery deep, but the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the water. God said...

 
Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
Actually, we probably do now need some context.
The last few posts are brought to you by thread ping pong and a Host and Admin day where the ship reality deviates even further from our own.

Oh. And a quote.

quote:
Bring me that horizon.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
LeRoc practices his corporate group-speak:
quote:
Just for fun, I tried this out. At one of the group sessions, I ended up saying stuff like "We need to subjectivize the project variables, using the kitchen for more than just preparing a meal, but without too many baroque ornaments" and they loved it! During the break, various people complimented me on my input
Wonderful!
 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
Chive has the awesomest claim to fame ever:

quote:
[Ian] Paisley once came to the church I was a member off when he was on holiday. I must have been about 15. As he was leaving he said, 'In my church we don't use the NIV.' When I replied, 'In my church we don't support sectarianism and terrorism' he stormed off.

 
Posted by jrw (# 18045) on :
 
From the thread ‘Schrodinger's Cat thought experiment’ in Purgatory.

Originally posted by Evensong
quote:
So I've been trying to figure out what the heck the cat experiment means.

I have been told by a number of people it proves the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics. (see below). Then I came across this article.
quote:

The Copenhagen Interpretation of quantum mechanics essentially states that an object in a physical system can simultaneously exist in all possible configurations, but observing the system forces the system to collapse and forces the object into just one of those possible states. Schrödinger disagreed with this interpretation.

Schrodinger ( in this article) apparently disagrees with this interpretation:
quote:

because it is impossible for an organism to be simultaneously alive and dead. Thus, he reasoned that the Copenhagen Interpretation must be inherently flawed.

So which is it? Does it prove or disprove the Copenhagen interpretation (for larger objects)?

To which balaam replied
quote:
It does both at the same time.

I'll get me coat.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Neener, neener. I got here first.

quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road, in the usual furor that follows H & A Days:

Votes in the Styx for whether Shipmates should be planked. No wait, no planking without prior recourse. Therefore, trials with witnesses and consulting council so that the accused can properly defend themselves before being planked. Debates about whether the proper criterion is whether the accused could have, should have, or did know that they were posting like a jerk.

A proper constitutional committee to review whether we want to be governed by the 10 Commandments or not, to be reconvened every 6 months to take account of the views of newcomers who are otherwise forced into servitude to the despotism of those who have come before them.

Proper anonymous voting for proposals for new boards. Votes on the proper procedures for anonymous voting. Who gets to vote? Is campaigning allowed on the day of the vote? Committees formed to settle these questions. Threads in the Styx complaining that the committees are formed of an in-crowd.

Votes for the appointment of Hosts and Admins (or is this like voting for judges: seems like a good application of democracy, but turns out to be a really crap idea?). Recall elections whenever a Host or Admin does something unpopular.

Investigation of whether the idea of having Hosts and Admins at all is too in-crowd and anti-democratic. Constitutional committee to investigate running the Ship as a collective.

H&A Days to be put to a vote prior. Endless threads in the Styx about how "I didn't know an H&A Day vote was coming up." Timing of votes for H&A Days to be put to a vote prior. Endless threads in the Styx about how "I didn't know an H&A Day Vote Timing vote was coming up." Timing of Votes for Timing of Votes for H&A Days to be put to a vote prior. Threads in the Styx...

Ship ceases to need to appeal for financial support, as Simon discovers that the threads in the Styx are running a perpetual motion machine. Day of celebration declared. Threads in the Styx about how the day of celebration interfered with the normal running of the boards. Perpetual motion machine runs amok.

Careful policing of anarchy so it doesn't offend anyone. Creation of Despotic Anarchy board so that those who like Despotic Anarchy can do it whenever they like without bothering anyone else. Accusations that the Despotic Anarchy board is the haven of the most in of in-crowds, and people who might like a spot of anarchy feel intimidated from joining in.

There's so much that could be improved about the Ship.


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Meanwhile, Lamb Chopped has been telling us stories of the trouble that pets can cause, with this latest entry being both succinct and vivid:

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Great. One parakeet is mocking us by imitating a human snore.

We will now fight about whose snore it is.



[ 23. September 2014, 02:48: Message edited by: orfeo ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
In the smelt of contention, brilliance is forged:

quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
Think of H&A Day as a sacrament instituted the first time by Simon through the alligator in whom he had invested his power, which has been handed over through her ordained sucessors, and through which he still works our salvation. We don't need to understand all of it, parts of it may even seem to be undemocratic or —gasp— immoral to us, but in the end it will all work out to our best.

If it turns out that Simon's vision for SoF has been to mould hanky-wringing liberals into a spitting image of the RCC, with conservatives waging guerrilla warfare of enlightened laissez-faire against it, then I for one don't care whether this is a prank or a work of art, evil or good. It would be so unspeakably epic, a breathtaking tour de force in social manipulation, irony so deep that it would form a wormhole right into the Holy of Holies, with God saying "peek-a-boo".

Or it's just a bloody bulletin board and people are just being people.

Heck, that's as good a definition of Unrest as any, come to think of it.
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
A joint effort between Marvin and Kelly:

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
This thread is starting to read like a Brae version of " we didn't start the fire."

Rab C Nesbitt, Irn Bru, Robbie Burns and Lulu
Robert Stirling, James Watt, horrid bagpipes scream.
Braveheart, Duncan Smith, Blair and Brown, James the Sixth,
Beige porridge, single malt, Alastair MacLean.

Deep fryed mars bars are a thing, midgie bites really sting,
Carol Smilie, cast steel, Ronnie Corbett, Falkirk Wheel.
Porridge cooling in the sinks, playing golf upon the links,
Susan Boyle - North Sea Oil - Arthur Fucking Conan Doyle!

We didn't start the fire...


 
Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
It's hardly our fault that the current ideal of female beauty is a kind of stick figure with a couple of melons bolted to her chest. Blame Barbie, if it makes you feel better.

This quote came from a serious and illuminating discussion about artificial boobs but it did, nevertheless, have a real SoF Quote file feel to it.

Thankyou Jane R
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Hart takes the already weird Christian Harry Potter parody to a whole new level.
quote:
Originally posted by Hart:
Dear ProudHouseMom,

Thankyou so much for the great favor you are doing to our family. My son Jimmy started to read the "original books" (as you put it), but I had to stop him. He's been so pleased to now be able to read your version, and I'm so pleased he's reading again!

May I make a request? In the books, the boys spend a lot of time playing with their wands. When Jimmy started following their lead, I knew it was time to take them away from him. I'm pleased to see there isn't any of that in your story, but there's also nothing explicitly telling him its wrong. Could you include this? I know he pays attention to the lessons in your book. Just the other day I asked him to help me by putting the brownies I was making in the oven. He looked nervous and said, "I don't want to be disobedient, mother dearest, but that's something Harry's Uncle did. I'm not sure if I should." I've never been prouder of him.

Blessings!

FanMom. xxox.

(Hart, get someone else to consume the remnant for a week or two, 'K? [Biased] )
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sandemaniac-- [Yipee] I totally missed that!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Doublethink gives very wise advice on developing a specific sexual technique:

quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
Surely, you just point the aspirant at half a pomegranate and tell them to eat it without using their teeth ?

If you can't figure it out, I won't tell you.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Nice. I'm using that suggestion in the future.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Get your copy-paste fingers ready, folks, the "offend" thread is heating up:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:

Your level of knowledge is truly remarkable, I am sure you have forgotten more than you ever knew.
For those who have declaimed "He ain't good for nothing", I have corrected them and said that you are.


 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Doublethink gives very wise advice on developing a specific sexual technique:

quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
Surely, you just point the aspirant at half a pomegranate and tell them to eat it without using their teeth ?

If you can't figure it out, I won't tell you.
Do make sure the pomegranate is the right way round [Smile]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
A nicely turned insult.

quote:
Originally posted by Palimpsest:
quote:
Originally posted by a shipmate who apparently runs a bakery:
Doesn't mean I think every bakery should be forced to bake cakes in the shape of a penis. In fact, I'm pretty sure forcing one of my employees to do that against their will would constitute sexual harassment.
Has anyone tried to force you to make such a cake? Your customers should acknowledge your expertise and ask for cakes that look like a straw man.

 
Posted by Niminypiminy (# 15489) on :
 
From Mousethief, on Justinian dishes it out but he can't take it:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Justinian (to Dark Knight):
You know a little about logic <snip>

Well, that's one of you.
Made me have a coffee-nose incident.
 
Posted by Stejjie (# 13941) on :
 
This surely deserves a place, from the "Isaiah 7:11" thread in Keryg:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
So, you would accept "Go see Big Mama, she'll give you a sign" as a valid translation?

Depends. Does it come with a blues accompaniment?
quote:
Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
Ahaz was down, he was feeling really blue,
Yeah, Ahaz was down, felling really blue.
Then enemy was all around, there was nothing, no thing he could do.

The prophet came to Ahaz, he said he had a word,
Listen to what he says, listen, yeah listen to the Lord.
"Go down to see Big Mama when you're feeling blue,
Go down to see Big Mama that's what you've gotta do.
Big Mama'll show you a sign, and then you'll feel just fine"


 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Penny S on government control of information, etc:

quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:


It doesn't matter what us Morlocks think, and we don't even have the Morlocks' sanction over the lizard class. They do anything that enters their tiny minds, and claim the mystical mandate even if they did not have a majority in the election, and never mentioned it in the manifesto.



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Fantastic catch, Stejie)

In Other News-- Hell is Determined Not To Be Run on Passion, but Procrastination:
quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
Why are you so exercised about this, orfeo?

It's either this or doing the ironing.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
While the intrepid Gaming Party brainstorms ways to open a locked, booby-trapped door, The GM gently interjects:

quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink.:
The smoking slightly oozy body of one of your companions lies at your feet. I assume the total silence is because you are all in shock ?


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
And in Ecclesiantics, it's all about the great clergical war stories:
quote:
Originally posted by georgiaboy:
All Glory laud, etc' reminds me of the gadget-happy old curmudgeon/f*rt RC priest in my former city:
Palm Sunday. His first opportunity to use his new radio mike. Blessing of Palms was in school hall, procession across parking lot to church. My friend the organist waiting to start the hymn when the procession entered the church (IIRC). Fr. was 'having a wonderful day,' chatting to his deacon as the trotted along, to wit:

'My God, these new red vestments are gorgeous! Wonder what those Baptists across the street think of all this, bet they'll just sh*t!'

All of this booming into the ears of the faithful waiting in the nave. My friend said that he never kicked on full organ so fast in his life. [Yipee]


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
In the Circus, Sioni Sais manages to sum up many awards in nearly any sport:
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
The 'Manager of the Year' award is well deserved, but not within a single club. It's about as good for a football club as the Year of the Four Emperors was for Rome.


 
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
lilBuddah with a new take on evolution:
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
We are not descended from apes, but magpies. We see something new and nick the shiny bit without regard to what it does.
The important thing is that it is new.
And because that's what culture is. a syncretic structure. That is the nature of us.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
I'm glad you nabbed that, balaam. I had thought of doing so myself. Excellent image.
 
Posted by saysay (# 6645) on :
 
Callan on US politics:

quote:
It's just as well we Brits don't get the vote. Based on the OP, the Democrats are putting up Mrs Clinton, Carcetti from The Wire or the bloke who ripped off one of Neil Kinnock's speeches when running for President. So I think it's a toss up between Mrs Clinton and a write in campaign for Omar.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Firenze:
quote:
As an atheist pagan hedonist, I will happily join the festivities of any god, prophet, guru, sage, emanation or ascended master you happen to have - seeing them not so much as aspects of the divine, but of humanity.

Except possibly for Bank Holidays: I draw the line at celebrating bankers.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Fr Weber (# 13472) on :
 
IngoB hits the bullseye :

quote:
This pretends that if only human interactions were as they should be then this universe would turn into a paradise. This is naive to the point of being nonsensical. You can be the nicest person in the world, and still be eaten up by cancer or a lion. Death (and illness, and pain, and disability, and ...) may lose its sting - but not in this world, where it is the law as punishment for Adam's sin. And most other human conflicts can be traced to that other annoying feature of this world, namely that it gives us little without sweat, blood and tears. The world does not bend to human wishes naturally, it has to be bent to them, and in the process often ends up broken. But more significantly for our purposes here, this endless struggle to eek out an existence is the most fundamental driver of human conflict. The rat race that leaves the weak and the poor perish on the sidelines isn't just an evil human invention. It is a direct result of humans trying to cope with an indifferent or even hostile world, where some are more successful at dealing with this by making it more of a problem for others. This, too, is a punishment for Adam's sin. The dominion over this world is given to the devil, it is not a friendly place that is just waiting for us to come to our senses, whereupon all will be a global love fest. Christian life in this world is an over and against, it is sacrifice in order to foreshadow an other-wordly ideal. We are not trying to harmonise with nature, because it really is a dog-eat-dog world out there. Capitalism is much more "natural" than Christianity. And yes, we do find the remnants of human goodness in ourselves, and we enjoy the remnants of the beauty and harmony of nature. Still, we are ruins struggling in a universal ruin, and it is only by grace and sacrifice that we regain some of the wholesomeness that ought to be there.

 
Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
I very strongly believe there is no god and no supernatural anything, yet I really love Christmas, with full churchy trimmings. I love and admire and appreciate much religious music, art, buildings and indeed many religious practices. The idea of God is plainly silly guff to me, but the cultural heritage of religion is often beautiful, inspiring and profoundly uplifting to me. And I really enjoy the way some Christian people sometimes actually practice their religious philosophy, especially with regard to kindness and charity. For this atheist, Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without Christ, even though He obviously doesn’t exist.

Merry Christmas Yorick and may my heart grow 2 sizes.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha about a Person Who Shall Remain Nameless:
Factual claims?! Doc Tor gave you this link but you jumped away to another topic.
Prat on a hot tin roof.


 
Posted by Byron (# 15532) on :
 
I'll waive anonymity. After a weakass start, that's some mighty smooth flyting. [Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Truth is Beauty:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
The search tool imbedded in the Ship's software sucks so much it has an event horizon.


 
Posted by Sherwood (# 15702) on :
 
quote:
Mousethief, in the Remove a Letter game thread:

Liver!

Please, sir, says the orphan boy, may I not have any more? This stuff tastes like sh*t.


 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
From the "Great Books" thread in Heaven, Snags gives us a lesson in LitCrit.

I know I'm going to get shouted down as a philistine, but the biggest load of old bollox I was ever compelled to (mostly) read was Ulysses (James Joyce).

It's weird, it's exactly the kind of self-indulgent literary game-playing experimental wank that I ought to love. But ... no.

I was actually glad when the cat pissed on it and I had to throw it away.
 
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
Eliab, channelling Arnold Schwarzenegger on "What historical information could make you lose faith?"
quote:
I had my aortic valve replaced with a mechanical substitute last year. I haven't noticed much of a shift in personality towards the unemotionless megalomanical killer cyborg end of the scale. Which I confess comes as something of a disappointment.

 
Posted by Callan (# 525) on :
 
Adam. explains one of the deeper mysteries of the faith:

quote:
Not being embodied, angels have no gender. Their names are grammatically masculine (as is the word 'angel' in both Hebrew and Greek), but that doesn't mean they are.

The difference between angels and fairies is not gender but existence.

By the way, there's an ageless boy in a green tunic here who wants a word with you about his friend who's just dropped dead.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Welease Woderwick's comment makes perfect sense to me:

I must lose weight before Christmas so I can put it all back on again.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
In response to somebody's post which particularly called for this response:

quote:
Originally posted by Martin60:
Gnosticism is dead and well.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Kelly continues her endless quest for the Shippiest Quote Ever: :
quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
quote:
Originally posted by Sipech:
... your liturgical arse! ...

Oh great. Now I have a grotesque image stuck in my head of spending the next three weeks with a purple arse.
Shouldn't it be rose for the third Sunday?

 
Posted by saysay (# 6645) on :
 
Kelly Alves describing a place too many people I know have been:

quote:
It's like the universe was irritated that I was considering hope.

 
Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
Using quotation marks to dehumanize is evil...but the end of this condemnation TH makes me think Kurt Vonnegut wasn't quite right when he said that the only purpose of that odd key on the home row is to show you've been to college...

quote:
Originally posted by Macrina:
If I'd have known fucking punctuation could erase people so easily I'd have learned how to use the bloody semicolon years ago.



[ 07. December 2014, 02:38: Message edited by: Ariston ]
 
Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Eliab, squashing leo, suggests the "Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (Ultimate Question) doctrine of Biblical inspiration:
quote:
Matthew didn't write his gospel by pulling letters out of a scrabble bag


[ 07. December 2014, 21:46: Message edited by: Eutychus ]
 
Posted by Paul. (# 37) on :
 
Albertus, on the subject of a 'male headship' bishop:

quote:
One is familiar with the old 'better inside pissing out than outside pissing in' argument: but this is about keeping people inside so that they can keep pissing in.

 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Eutychus:
Eliab, squashing leo, suggests the "Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (Ultimate Question) doctrine of Biblical inspiration:
quote:
Matthew didn't write his gospel by pulling letters out of a scrabble bag

Couldn't have. Not nearly enough iotas.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Net Spinster:
I think the organist worships Bach.

Karl Liberal Backslider: We all do. There's a footnote to the First Commandment allowing it.
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
IngoB replies to SusanDoris on the 'we don't sing anymore' thread in Purg:

quote:Originally posted by SusanDoris:
All the way home I was singing [Hark, the Herald Angels sing] in my head, but taking each line and looking at it from a scientific point of view!

Nope, you did not do that at all.

What you may have done is to look at each line from the particular philosophical point of view that you hold, which - judging by prior conversation - is some kind of naive metaphysical naturalism that informs the contemporary atheism which you so cheerfully believe in.

And what this could have made you think about is that maybe, just maybe, the inability of your philosophy to write songs that make your heart sing points to a problem with your philosophy. But admittedly that would require a somewhat wider view of "evidence" than just "empirical data suitable for mathematical modelling".
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Gwai quietly drops a gem of brilliance on a raging Hell thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Gwai:
One problem with a hell thread that is ostensibly between two people is that it encourages the assumption that one of the parties is right.


 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Ariel, describing offerings of festive fare in places like banks, railway stations etc.:
quote:
Outbreaks of mince piety
[Killing me]
 
Posted by QLib (# 43) on :
 
Tortuf on the 'Stop staying pure' thread in Purg;

quote:
Isn't it interesting that religious references to virgins all seem to concern women instead of women and men?

No?

Maybe not.

After all that is the way God wants it to be. Virgin women having only in a lust-less act of procreation after marriage.

Wait a minute. God wants women to have sex with their husbands whenever the husband wants.

Nope. God wants men to have several wives - just in case the rocky shores of one of their wombs will not allow purchase for the mans holy seed.

As long as all these things are what God wants it's all good. It could have something to do with men writing religious texts and perhaps - I dunno - projecting their desires into their own special vision of God.

Or, maybe - just maybe - God wants us to quit judging others and leave that to God so that we pay attention to our relationship with God instead.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by venbede on the "stop staying pure" thread:
As a gay man, I find it very encouraging that Christ was born without heterosexual being involved.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
If 'Not having a capital-T Tradition' is not itself a capital-T Tradition, I'd like to know what the heck is.


 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
North East Quine has the right attitude to calorie calculation in the "anti-Christmas-food" thread in Heaven:
quote:
Tesco reduced Yule logs from £6 to 30p. By my calculation, that means proportionally, the calories come down from 2780 to 139.
If only she were right ... [Killing me]
 
Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :
 
The legend that is Kelly Alves on the "difficult relatives" Hell thread:

quote:
Well, he does have the right to express an opinion, in the same way an asshole has the right to express a fart. It's just that both resulting outputs are of equivalent worth.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Gee whiz. [Tear]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
On a tangential post within the Venezuela vs Saudi Arabia thread in Purgatory, Try has successfully analysed the Middle East problem in one short sentence:

"Israel's Arab citizens have equal rights with Jewish Israelis, though they suffer a good deal of economic and social discrimination."
 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Rev. per Minute takes things to heart in the "Revspeak" thread in Heaven:
quote:
... However, as both a Rev and a civil servant, it may just be possible that I have on occasion and when faced with a situation of perhaps less than optimal confidence been heard by those of especially precise auditory skills to have used one or two of the above-mentioned circumlocutions in preference to a more precise and one might say straightforward comment that might be thought to lead more quickly to a full and total comprehension of the situation pertaining at that moment in time ...
[Overused]

Is he/she possibly Sir Humphrey Appleby from Yes, Minister in Real Life?
 
Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
I don't know - was Sir Humphrey a closet cleric?

We need to be told!

[ 12. January 2015, 14:13: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]
 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
I don't know - was Sir Humphrey a closet cleric?

An Archdeacon, no less.
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
[Smile] Not, I think, that anybody could ever accuse Dr Grantly of circumlocution: blunt rudeness, if anything!

[ 12. January 2015, 15:58: Message edited by: Albertus ]
 
Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
Remember how Simon McBurney rose to Archdeacon in "Rev." having been choirmaster at Dibley.

Is there such a thing as an "Archdeacon Choral"?
 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Not that I know of, but I think there should be, and it should probably be my Better Half. [Big Grin]

I don't know about anyone else, but when I read RPM's post quoted above, I was hearing it in Sir Humphrey's voice.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
A snappy intro would spoil this one:
quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
If Erin's scale is like the Richter scale, then it is log10, but normed to some "background" activity. Consequently, 0 would mean "not registered above background", but 1 would already be 10 times stronger than "background".

Mathematically, for A and A0 real and positive

0=log_10(1)=log_10(A/A0) => 1=A/A0 => A=A0
1=log_10(10)=log_10(A/A0) => 10=A/A0 => A=10*A0

rather than Mertseger's "joke" which stops short at

0=log_b(1) for any base b (other than b=0, b=10 above).

You are welcome. [Razz]


 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Couldn't you have hauled him up for not writing in English? [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Statler and Waldorf:
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
The Muppetts were on TV over Xmas.

Yes - the Muppet Christmas Carol, saw part of this for the first time. Some good lines, but I did feel the whole thing would have been a lot better without the Muppets.

 
Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
Albertus, on the "Justin Welby and clap-trap sermons" thread in Purgatory, responds to the suggestion that a sermon ought to be like a good buffet:
quote:
...rather than like a bad bring and share supper, composed of various bits and pieces, some good and some not, thrown together with minimal planning and concern for proportion but justified by those who like that sort of thing on the grounds that people meant well.
I don't know whether to say "That's beautiful" or "Ouch". Both apply.
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
(Perhaps I should say that I went to something with a bring-and-share meal yesterday, and it was excellent [Smile] Sermon was pretty good too.).
 
Posted by Carex (# 9643) on :
 
Gee D gets his information straight from the source:


quote:
Originally posted by Gee D:
quote:
Originally posted by Penny S:
I'm just wondering what Wilfrid and Hilda said when they were asked to act as patrons. Or whether they would have agreed on the subject, in life.

Strange that you should ask. I was chatting to St Hilda the other day - she's patron of a school I have a vague association with and need her views from time to time. She told me that neither she or St Wilfrid was asked. Her comment was that she had spent her lifetime promoting reconciliation, indeed giving up her opinions on such matters as the date of Easter and matters of church governance to ensure unity. She was Not Pleased about the invocation. Apparently St Wilfrid was of a similar mind and while she preferred not to use his exact words, he had put his position very strongly.



 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Jesus half man half biscuit Martin60.
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Thank you for drawing my attention to that, Chorister, though a few of us here might prefer it capitalised!

AG
 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
I'm not sure if I can summarise this well in one paragraph (and that it won't spoil the joke doing so), but this is so cool that I'll try anyway. There is a Hell thread where people are attacking IngoB's posting style. Chesterbolloc is arguing that we shouldn't complain, but have better argumets against him instead. An unfortunate double entendre, combined with Leaf's excellent use of the specific date on which this happened resulted in this:

quote:
Originally posted by Leaf:
quote:
Originally posted by Chesterbolloc: get better fucking positions
Excellent advice. Happy Valentine's Day! [Axe murder]
Simply brilliant.
 
Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Absolutely agreed-- that won the thread. [Overused]
 
Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
I hope that the misspelling of CB's name does not indicate an editorial opinion!
 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Teufelchen, on the "Kristallnacht 2.0" thread:

Do you disengage your moral sense freshly each morning, or did you take it out long ago and leave it somewhere?
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Nigel M on Mark's tendency to use, er, forceful language:

quote:
Originally posted by Nigel M:
Mark's use of language is certainly relevant and he may simply be a man of action: “I will immediately slam myself down and cast out a Gospel and sprint with it to the church and wring extreme convictions out of people so that they rush into Jesus' arms by the Spirit's urgent power rather than mine I will have an urgent need to rush off I won't have time to completely finish the sermon for”

I especially love the missing ending.
 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
I liked this exchange about the meaning of the word 'sod' in British English, on the crappy choruses and horrible hymns thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Albertus:
quote:
Originally posted by John Holding:
...The use of ... sodding as an all purpose alternative to fucking...


That's pretty much what the French accuse us of, isn't it?
[Big Grin]


 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Another by Leaf, on the Teufelchen Hell call:

quote:
Originally posted by Josephine:
... after you've done that, you can go to your prayer corner and say your prayers.

Only Josephine can manage to sound like Reverend Mother and Clint Eastwood at the same time.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
I missed church on Ash Wednesday because of a snow storm. I missed church last Sunday because of another snow storm.... An ice storm is predicted for tomorrow.

It appears that I am involuntarily giving up church for Lent.

Moo


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
Middle-class white female professors have goon squads made up of grad students living on ramen noodle packs and speed.

Dang, that does it. I have GOT to make tenure.

 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Ingo, flying because he takes himself lightly*, on the "Our Galaxy" thread in Purg:

quote:
And Christ in shining white robes solemnly takes a seat before assembled mankind. He raises his arms and speaks:

"Welcome to the Great Judgement."

(dramatic pause)

"The universalist were right. This concludes the Great Judgement."

(stunned silence)

Suddenly a strange noise rises from somewhere in the billionth row of the multitude.

lolololololoLOLOLOLOLOLwheeeeeeeeeeBAM

(spacetime shakes as IngoB in his resurrection body speeds off at warp 20)

St Peter eagerly bounds toward Christ:

"Should I bring him back, O Lord?"

Christ looks St Peter up and down:

"Sure, Cephas. Fetch."

yourwordismycommandwheeeeeeeeeeBAM

(spacetime reverberates once more as St Peter hits warp speed)

Christ grins, places His hands on his forehead and makes a ripping motion. The world twists like a vortex around his head and suddenly everybody looks down on the galactic plane, and zooms in on the immense sea of stars in one galactic arm, and focuses to see....

... a spark hurtling towards a star, slamming through it, rushing towards the next star, while the first star begins to blow up into a supernova, leaving a trail of gigantic explosions ...

... wheeeeeeeeeeeee ...

... and then another spark in angry pursuit, dodging and weaving around the supernova explosions ...

Suddenly the view collapses into itself and there's just Christ again, with his hands closed to fists, slowly lowering his arms.

He grins again.

"In my Father's house are many mansions."

He looks expectantly. Nothing happens. Christ sighs.

"You can go now. ...uhh... At ease. ... hmm ... Have fun?!"

Rumblings as the multitude disperses to do all sorts of weird and wonderful stuff. One can hear Christ's voice over the din fading into the distance:

"Yes, I would love to have some tea with you. What's tea?"

*"Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly."--Chesterton?
 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Adeodatus hits the spot in Eccles:
quote:
There are few sights more alarming than a congregation of 80-year-olds interrupting BCP Holy Communion to wave their hands in the air for a couple of choruses of "Shine, Jesus, Shine".
Yea and amen. [Killing me]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Elegantly put:

quote:
Originally posted by Golden Key:
We all live between our sins and our ideals.


 
Posted by Carex (# 9643) on :
 
Macrina turns the tables in a Dead Horse discussion:

quote:
Originally posted by Macrina:
I have no problem with people BEING Republican - I mean there's evidence that conservatism is actually down to structural aspects of the brain so we can't judge them for that. I just think its wrong to act on it. Have you seen the disgusting things they do? Legislating against the poor and vulnerable, taking away healthcare, putting money before people? Any decent society can't function when people are allowed to act on their Republicanism - it destroys the social fabric.

So I love Republicans as people, I just want to bring them to the fullness of truth so they realise the damage their lifestyle does to them and those they love. I hold them to the same standards as any Democrat. We have exactly the same obligations be we Republican or Democrat after all and we know that Biblically Jesus condemned Republicanism so we can't support it being promoted using our tax dollars or taught to our children.


 
Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on :
 
I just came to see if someone had already quotes-filed that [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :
 
A piece of subtle beauty from Alan Cresswell
quote:
I've no problem with allowing religions to descriminate, providing it doesn't affect other people.

 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Callan on the UK Election 2015 thread in Purgatory, perfectly nailing what Mr Cameron is about:

quote:
Dave isn't stupid but he has no idea what he wants power for and no settled political beliefs beyond a vague conception that the luckiest boys should have the jolliest time, tempered by an even vaguer sense of noblesse oblige.

 
Posted by Jack o' the Green (# 11091) on :
 
IngoB from the "Introducing me....." thread. A little bit of Heaven in Purgatory. Superb.

"Look into a mirror. Hold your own gaze.

You stare into the mirror, matter is staring back. What makes you be on the right side of the looking glass?

Breathe.

Way. Truth. Life. You like Way. I like Truth. We share Life. Don't knock what the other has, it's a Trinity."
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
A fabulous capper by Stetson that requires a bunch of backstory to "get." This is on the "What if they hadn't?" thread, where people post hypothetical "alternate history" changes to popular songs.

quote:
Originally posted by Nenya:
What if the shop only had blue ribbons for tying round the old oak tree?

quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
Or what if the old oak tree had succumbed to a storm?

quote:
Originally posted by Stetson:
Would the whole damn bus be murmuring with disappointment?

quote:
Originally posted by Nenya:
What if she never received the letter telling her he'd soon be free?

quote:
Originally posted by Nenya:
What if everyone else on the damn bus had fallen asleep?

quote:
Originally posted by Stetson:
Or if they had been disinclined to listen to the stories of someone who introduces himself with "I just got out of jail..."?

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
What if the bus lost its brakes and careened into the old oak tree, igniting a horrific inferno in which all the passengers died while the lovelorn girlfriend looked on helplessly?

quote:
Originally posted by Stetson:
The girlfriend would head back into her apartment and knock three times on the ceiling.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jack o' the Green:
IngoB from the "Introducing me....." thread. A little bit of Heaven in Purgatory. Superb.

"Look into a mirror. Hold your own gaze.

You stare into the mirror, matter is staring back. What makes you be on the right side of the looking glass?

Breathe.

Way. Truth. Life. You like Way. I like Truth. We share Life. Don't knock what the other has, it's a Trinity."

Nice catch.
[Cool]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Le Roc (in Purgatory) has it in a nutshell:

'Having a relationship with God' isn't really part of the theological language of my tradition.

But setting that aside for a moment, I often think that one important way we can have a relationship with Him is by having a relationship with our neighbour. Jesus may have said as much.

 
Posted by Rosa Gallica officinalis (# 3886) on :
 
Alan Cresswell in hell

I think it's part of a general fear of Schrodingers Immigrants - those who are simultaneously idle layabouts scrounging off our welfare state and stealing our jobs.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I would also suggest that many so-called non-denominational churches are also far more denominational than the denominations.

Especially those who proudly say that they abhor denominations, and then mix only with those who share their precise form of antidenominational denominationalism.

(Baptist Trainfan)
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Twilight, on the Readme book thread:

quote:
We all loved that it was set in Australia. From a literary standpoint many of us hadn't been there since "The Thorn Birds." It's changed a lot. [Biased]

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Nigel M, in Kerygmania, reflects on creation themes in the Gospel According to John:

quote:
Anyway, there's God, just done with creation and putting his feet up to have a nice cup of tea, when the front door bangs open and in comes his kid, Jesus, back from college - “Hi Dad, I'm home!” and of course he has all his clothes washing to be done and – what's that? What on earth has he done with his hands????

 
Posted by Meike (# 3006) on :
 
balaam on the „Name for the Royal baby“ thread:
quote:
Originally posted by balaam:
quote:
Originally posted by Porridge:
The sheer number and range of weird names and weirder spellings currently encountered in job applicants I'm reviewing makes me wonder at allowing moms still possibly under the influence of medication from childbirth any voice at all in selecting names for their offspring.


You have met someone called Ow?
Sorry, that one would have been no medication.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Dafyd pinpoints human nature in a brief aside:

quote:
Originally posted by Dafyd:
Furthermore, I think the subject on which anyone is most likely to be in error is the amount of humility and empathy they are exercising on any given occasion.



 
Posted by Doublethink. (# 1984) on :
 
Loved this:

quote:
Originally posted by Ricardus:
Seems to me perfectly obvious that God is rewarding Mr Cameron for bringing in gay marriage.


 
Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :
 
From the same thread, I quite liked:
quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
There is a theological term for the sentiments expressed in the link in the OP - bollocks.


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Well neither of you picked my own favourite from that thread which was option 3 from this:

quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
Here in the US we have not one, nor two or three, but four presidential candidates as of this writing who have been assured by God that they are supposed to be President of the United States. (Stay tuned, I am sure we will get a few more in there.)
Logically they either
1). worship entirely different Gods
2). aren't listening to God accurately, or
3). (which I personally favor) God is jerking their chain. This is by no means, for instance, the first time that God has assured Mike Huckabee that he is to be president. One envisions the Deity like Lucy, holding the football for Charlie Brown. How many times will Huckabee fall for this? We shall see.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Group effort, otherwise known as a ridiculous tangent with a high WTF factor:
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:

lilBuddha, I totally heard your frustration and reasoning.

I acknowledged this.
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:

It's just that it's stupid and lame, and in a prehistoric hunter-gathering community you would be left behind to distract the smilodons.

Oh you chest-thumpers are sooo cute. Right up until you get eaten.

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
And those who fight the mighty smildoolywhatevers and live to tell the tale are lauded in story and song, while the clever ones who got away quietly mow their perfect lawns.

Until they get eaten.

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
They had lawn mowers in the Pleistocene? Jings.

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
The ones in the suburbs did. Jeez, do I have to draw a picture?

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
They had lawn mowers in the Pleistocene? Jings.

Yes, better known as the stegosaurus. Like many lawn mowers they were awkward, heavy and difficult to push, but once they got going they did a pretty good job on grass and even hedges. Of course, you can't get them these days.
quote:
Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
They were also rather tricky to obtain in the Pleistocene as well. The captive breeding programme that had managed to maintain a steady supply of stegosaurus lawn-mowers since the end of the Jurassic period 150 million years early was finally struggling to maintain the viability of this product line. Increasing competition from new products such as the megatherium eventually drove the stegosaurus breeders out of business.

quote:
Originally posted by Porridge:[regarding the last]
It was actually worth reading this thread for this.



[ 17. May 2015, 02:33: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
From a thread about intercessory prayer, on the question (roughly) of "keeping track" of whom you're praying for:

quote:
Originally posted by Alyosha:
You can't embrace the machine/computer metaphor for the human soul and then look down on the idea of making lists.

Wisdom! Let us attend!
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Alan Cresswell must be on a roll. From him in the Styx: You seem to be misunderstanding the nature of the Styx. The Styx is closer to a tennis court than a court of law, a place for people to declare "You cannot be serious!".


The analogy has set off some wonderful pictures in my mind.
 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
(in reference to a certain denomination's approach to a Dead Horse issue)

quote:
Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
A bit of fudge is good. A diet entirely of fudge is unhealthy.



[ 28. May 2015, 13:19: Message edited by: la vie en rouge ]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Kelly has some problems with Things Admin:

quote:
Mother frugging son of a pencil dicked bobcat.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This is definitely a must- file:
quote:
Originally posted by sabine:
Our society needs to have some very deep and difficult conversations about violence of this sort, and I'm not sure how many people are willing to engage in conversations that will lead to changes not more political polarization.

And there are many variables, guns, racism, and others. For example, I heard David Brooks (a New York Times columnist) mention on PBS that the US has an "alienated, lone young man" problem. Instead of thinking that these sorts of murders are not society's problem because they are the work of a lone person, we need to ask ourselves what causes such alienation.

Unpacking all of the things that lead to repeated situations of mass murders will take us places we don't want to go and will force ourselves to look at the idealized glow we put upon our narrative of who we are.

People in power have no incentive to start the conversation because it may well lead to a loss of power for them.

As long as we operate on a "what's best for me alone" philosophy, there will be no incentive to start the conversation.

As long as political operatives (seen and unseen) continue to politicize basic issues of the nature of racism, alienation, and violence, there will be no incentive to start the conversation.

As long as we cling to our fears or claim we will change if someone else changes first, there will be no incentive to start the conversation.

We need bold, prophetic voices to both illuminate the issues and assure us that we will be better for having engaged in the process of change.

As long as fear leads, we will not move forward.

sabine


 
Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
Cottontail, providing insight into Luke's version of the story of the centurion and his beloved slave:

quote:
You therefore have several good reasons for a holy man like Jesus to refuse to have anything to do with 'dirty foreigners' like this man and his slave. The villagers are in effect pleading, "We know that he's a foreigner and an oppressor and a slave owner and a probable sodomite, but he's one of the good guys, honest!"
Now that's exegesis!
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Gamaliel on Unitarians:
quote:
To lose one Person of the Holy and Undivided Trinity may have been an accident, but to lose two implies carelessness ...


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Archived because I have a feeling " I take your duck" will become an active part of the Ship's lexicon:
quote:
Originally posted by Liopleurodon:
I think it's important that this isn't about "black music" but about black PEOPLE. Once you start trying to trace the lineage of a song it becomes impossible. Is Dusty's version of "Will You Love Me Tomorrow" a ripoff of "black music" because it's pretty much a carbon copy of the Shirelles' hit version (if anything she pretty much tried to out-Shirelle them), or a "white" song because it was written by Goffin and King? Is it Jewish like Goffin and King, or Catholic like Dusty? I don't know and I don't care. I do care that black people in the 1960s faced far more barriers to success than she did.

Here's what cultural appropriation is. There's a playground with a bully kid (John) and victim kid (Ed). John takes all the toys but one - let's say a toy duck. Ed makes do with the toy duck and wanders off, and in time comes up with a fantastic duck-related game. Eventually, John comes along, sees how much fun Ed is having, and snatches the duck and the duck related game away, or throws a tantrum and demands that mummy buys him a bigger and fancier duck.

You can respond to this in lots of different ways that all massively miss the point:
"That duck does look pretty fun! Can't blame John!"
"John is showing appreciation of Ed's cleverness!"
"So you're saying that nobody called John should ever play with a duck again, huh?"

The duck is not the point. People are focusing on the duck rather than the moment in which John swoops in and snatches the duck away, and the reasons why John thinks this is acceptable, and the effect this has on Ed.

That is the dynamic of cultural appropriation. Black people, excluded from formal musical education, excluded from concert venues, wandered off and invented their own kinds of music. When white people came along and tried to take over, some of them probably did just love the music. But there's always an element of "Screw you - we get to decide what you can call your own" in this.

People who focus on the songs are focusing on the duck. When you zoom out and see the centuries of the relationship between white people and black people it puts this whole situation in context, and context is really really important here.


 
Posted by Tukai (# 12960) on :
 
Orfeo [in Hell] :

The next person I hear talking about legal marriage as a procreation licence, and therefore of no relevance to same-sex couples, is going to be pushed under a f**** bus…..
….I just can't take it any more. It's one thing to be in disagreement with someone who has thought their position through. But to be opposed by complete and utter morons who appear to be the result of a breeding pair that shouldn't have been permitted is just too much.

Drew great responses from

Schroedinger's Cat :

So when you have finished having children, you should divorce? So the purpose of a wife is simply to push out child after child?

Kelly Alves:

Holy Cow, if we admit that pair- bonding is about something more than sex and procreation, we have to start thinking about women as something other than brood mares and helpmeets, don't we? To the barricades! We can't have that!

And lilBuddha :

I am sorry, but I cannot agree with orfeo.
It would simply be unfair to the bus driver, the street cleaners and any passers-by who might be splashed by blood.
I suggest a seaside cliff. Self cleaning and a free meal for the fishes
 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Not an actual quote from a Shipmate, but one relayed by Galloping Granny from one of her students, when asked to list what she had learned this year:
quote:
* is an asterisk; Asterix is a Gaul
[Overused]
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
In spite of the fact that some of the most interesting quotes come from Hell, I do try to be careful about what I import into the Circus. This tidbit from LeRoc, however, needs to be preserved--and I will deliberately refrain from identifying who inspired it, because many of us might benefit from remembering this principle from time to time:

quote:
You made a claim. Back it up or stick it somewhere where you'll break your religion's prohibition against pleasuring yourself.

 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist on the What would YOU tell them thread in AS:

...That sometimes a stiff G-and-T can make you a better parent.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
"Hey, Eutychus, how did you spend the weekend during the SOF maintenance shutdown?"

quote:
Originally posted by Eutychus:
f5 f5 f5 f5... oh.


 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sipech:
His work is so far from orthodoxy, it makes The Shack look likes Calvin's Institutes.



[ 08. July 2015, 17:55: Message edited by: Gwai ]
 
Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
From the Decluttering thread in All Saints ...

quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
Kitchen renovation is like childbirth. Once it is over and you have the new arrival you completely forget about the misery of achieving it.

Mrs. S, in the sure and certain hope that this will be true
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
the chitinous clatters of keyboards ...


 
Posted by Tukai (# 12960) on :
 
Dark Knight (an Australian) comments on the latest ignominious performance by the Australian cricket team now playing in England:

"All out for 60. That is a frothing tinny of fucked up."
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Soror Magna:
Wherever two or three homophobes are gathered, misogyny was there first.

Nice use of the surprise ending.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I ranted for a paragraph in answer to this, Dafyd tossed out three sentences:
quote:
Originally posted by Dafyd:
quote:
Originally posted by Russ:
And the function of sexual desire is ?

I think you are confusing 'what is the function of sexual desire' with 'what is the evolutionary explanation of the existence of sexual desire?' The second question may have the answer you want, but it's pertinence to the question at hand is limited.
There were no doubt dinosaurs who said 'the function of feathers is display and keeping warm; this flying business is unnatural'.


 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Zappa, on the Ordered Charismata thread over in Eccles:

quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
Well ... been away - back now ... seems I'm the only one interested in this topic!

What's happened to Sipech?

Rapture

 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
A cracker from Orfeo, busy with homophobes in Hell.

Originally posted by IngoB:
quote:
Let's call it my reasonable hope for an interesting discussion


Mate, we all hope for that. But you just won't do the decent thing and leave.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Where the heavenly hosts all resolutely fail to get the point:

Posted by jacobsen, who expressed a desire for a weekend companion with two legs rather than current…

Eight furry legs.

Posted by Ariel:

You have an octopus in your life?

Posted by Wet Kipper:

giant spider ?

Posted by Ariel:

Ah, a hairy octopus.

Posted by jacobsen:

And two tails.

Posted by Firenze:

Mutant hairy octopus.

Posted by jacobsen:

Teeth, ears and whiskers.

Posted by Firenze:

So that's where Cthulhu is these days.

[ 22. August 2015, 15:15: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
A good reminder.

quote:
Originally posted by Enoch:
As I've said on previous threads, we do not read,
"And the Word became paper and dwelt among us".


 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
On the Small/handbag sized Bible recommendations Alan Cresswell gave us:

"I had a Gideon NT and Psalms at one point. I left it in a hotel room somewhere."
 
Posted by Doublethink. (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ricardus:
Pfft - Microsoft's lack of online privacy is nothing compared to what happens in their physical stores.

The other day I went into one of their shops and, although I had tried to protect my anonymity by means of a black mask over my face, I was horrified to realise that the shop assistants could still watch all of my movements throughout the shop, down to the level of which aisle I walked down and what products I looked at. They refused point-blank to blindfold themselves and when I tried to brute-force them to clear their memory cache by means of a lump hammer, I was bundled into the back of a police van by some overzealous security hardware.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Chapelhead on the British thread in AS:
quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
... I got many complimentary remarks from ladies of the village on the size of my entry. It's nice to know that it has already given pleasure to so many.

He said he was talking about the village gardening competition, and we all believe him, don't we, children? [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Because I used to work in a publishing house, and Ariel's exactly right what would happen:

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:

Some of it’s interesting, some of it’s food for thought, some of it’s inspirational, some of it’s plain weird, some of it’s repetitive. These days, a good editor would have put all the "begats" in an appendix with a family tree, pruned Leviticus to a readable minimum, polished up Mark’s prose, queried the inclusion of the Song of Songs, issued Paul’s letters as a separate supplement, made a mental note not to work with certain prophets on any further books, especially the one who wrote Revelations, and compiled a list of queries for the authors that stretched from here to Jerusalem.


 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
Chapelhead on the British thread in AS:
quote:
Originally posted by Chapelhead:
... I got many complimentary remarks from ladies of the village on the size of my entry. It's nice to know that it has already given pleasure to so many.

He said he was talking about the village gardening competition, and we all believe him, don't we, children? [Big Grin]
Of course we do
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Schroedinger's cat on the Greenbelt 2015 thread:

quote:
I did read "Do you want to meet someone of the same faith as you" and thought "no way - one Grumpy, cynical dickhead is enough for any relationship"

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Republican Primary Debates Color Commentary:

quote:
Originally posted by ldjjd:
Christi, citing support from "Harvard and Dartmouth"
(whatever the hell that means) claimed Social Security will be insolvent in "seven or eight years".

Such a claim is either an outrageous lie or a display of incredible ignorance, yet no one in the clown car corrected him.

quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
If they had started correcting each other the event would have lasted another four hours, so one must thank God that no one bothered.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Rossweisse, in Kerygmania, paraphrasing Habakkuk:

quote:
"Life is gawdawful in almost every respect; yet I will have hope in the Lord for as long as I live."

[Overused]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Adam.:

I just think that in this context (as I once heard about preaching), exegesis is like underwear: everyone wants you to have it, but no-one wants to see it.


 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Gamaliel, posting great sense on "The Protoevangelium of James" thread in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Gamaliel:
Well yes, we are all operating according to the principles of Paschal's Wager - there's no way we can 'prove' any of this - we pays our money and we makes our choice.

The best we can do is to follow our conscience and convictions and however hard and fast or how loosely we do so, try to ensure that we don't use them as a stick with which to beat anyone else ...

We see through a glass darkly, but we still see ...


 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
I found this one funny. Doc Tor reacting to another poster:
quote:
Doc Tor: [Your post] reveals such a super-abundance of hyperbole - nay, not since the Great Hyperbole Disaster of '02 where literally everybody everywhere died [...]

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
I found this one funny. Doc Tor reacting to another poster:
quote:
Doc Tor: [Your post] reveals such a super-abundance of hyperbole - nay, not since the Great Hyperbole Disaster of '02 where literally everybody everywhere died [...]

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 
I'm a bit slow bringing this here, and perhaps it needs to be understood in context, but this struck me as being as neat a summary as one might wish...
quote:
Originally posted by Dafyd:
quote:
Originally posted by Tubbs:
As far as I can tell, the "gay agenda" seems to be remarkably similar to the "hetrosexual agenda".

They're both trying to undermine marriage, heterosexual people by getting divorced, and gay people by... um... getting married.

You might not understand how getting married undermines marriage but that just shows that our minds aren't devious enough to understand the gay agenda.


 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
I was recently complaining about people pronouncing "eschatology / eschatological" with the emphasis on the "schat" syllable, so this wonderful aside by Kaplan Corday made me laugh:

quote:
If someone describes a prophetic scenario different from theirs as crap, is that scatological eschatology or eschatological scatology?

 
Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
I was recently complaining about people pronouncing "eschatology / eschatological" with the emphasis on the "schat" syllable,

That winds me up no end. My church is riddled with those who talk of ess-scatalogical matters. I much prefer esker-tology.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
So, after a freaking four year absence, JimT strolls into Dead Horses and slaps his Thing down:

quote:
Originally posted by JimT:
The Gospel According to Jim The Least

Two men were brought before Jesus by Keepers of the Law, who said, “These men are Jews who have lived among the Greeks and Romans. They are Roman citizens and under Roman guard. They say that they have been married by Roman authorities as man and wife are, and that since their union is chaste and permissible under Roman Law, it ought to be permissible under Jewish law. The Law says that they have committed abomination and shall surely be put to death. What do you say?”

Jesus said, “You have heard it said that men having sex with men is an ‘abomination’, but I say unto you, ‘It is mere perversion.’ You shall not kill them, for their perversion is incurable, and not in their power to control. You are to love them, forgive them, but never accept their sexual desire for one another as normal, nor permit them to organize politically lest they argue their case and win.”

“No!” cried the crowd. “It is abomination! Stone them!”

The Roman guards seized Jesus, the men, and the Chief Priests and brought them to trial before Simona Erina for rioting.

“This man Jesus says he is King of the Jews,” the guards told Erina. “These two men here now live as man and wife under Roman Law as Roman citizens. They have asked their Chief Priests to conform Jewish Law, which punishes their union with death, to Roman Law, which does not. Jesus said that they are not to be put to death, but shamed for life as ‘perverts.’ This incited a crowd to riot, so we have brought them here for you to judge what is to be done.”

Erina asked the men, “Your leaders have said that you are ‘perverts.’ If our doctors can cure you of your perversion will you submit to it, leave each other, marry and have children?”

“No,” said the men. "We would rather die as we were born than die apart under any circumstance.”

“Remarkable!” said Erina. “Greater love than this I have not seen in Israel.” She turned to Jesus. “Jesus,” she said, “why do you call these men ‘perverts’?”

“Because their natural sexual desire, a pleasurable impulse whose purpose is the perpetuation of the Children of God, has been stripped of its essential, substantive purpose, which is procreation, not pleasure.”

“Indeed,” Erina responded. “Fetch me Charlicus Darwinicus,” she commanded. A bearded man appeared and was asked if the “substantive” purpose of sexual desire was procreation. He was also asked for his view on “perversion” of natural urges.

“Well ‘substantively’ or essentially, the purpose of sexual desire in humans is to ensure overpopulation, not simple steady-state continuation. In women, it has to be strong enough to repeatedly risk death in order to produce a surplus of children to outstrip disease, natural disaster, starvation, and war. In men, it must be strong enough to divert them from self-interest to the care, feeding, and protection of mates and their surplus of progeny. Importantly, overpopulation resulting from sexual desire makes aggression and war inevitable, producing the strongest, cleverest, and best organized warriors. In a world of peace, freedom from disease, and limited resources, sexual desire can be considered a perversion; it no longer serves its original purpose, which is overpopulation.”

“Jesus?” Erina asked. Jesus gave no answer. “Very well. Fetch me Sigmoidicum Freudendum.”

Another bearded man appeared and was asked the same question as Darwinicus. “Funny you should ask this, just as I am finishing my theories on ‘sublimation.’ In essence it posits that the very foundation of civilization is the ‘perversion’ of sexual desire. My theory is that heroic achievements in all areas, from Music, to Art, to Science, to Politics, to Literature, are all based upon ‘perverting’ sexual desire from its original intention, which is to produce exponential increases in population, to producing other societal ‘goods.’ Without the excessive urge of sexual desire, nothing could produce the pyramids or the Temple of Jerusalem. At least so it seems to me.”

Erina turned to address Jesus. “I have heard of your preaching, and much of it is good. Have you not said that your Kingdom is not of this world? Have you not said that you recognize only two commandments as essential, namely to love the source of all goodness, leading to love of others? Do you still feel compelled to shame these men with the insult of ‘perversion’?”

Jesus turned to the crowd and said, “Surely this woman is a Child of God. Her name is no longer Simona, but Petrina, and on this Rockette I will build my Church.”

Jesus went out and solemnized the union of the men in secret, knowing that his time to risk all for the Kingdom had not yet come. He went about performing miracles, healing the sick, raising the dead, and leaving those who need no physician to heal themselves, as Mother Nature intended.

He that hath ears to hear, let them hear.


 
Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
So, after a freaking four year absence, JimT strolls into Dead Horses and slaps his Thing down:

You do realise you've just had me reading the Biblical Interpretation thread assuming that was where this gem was located in context.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
FINE. HELL.

Jeez, Alan, how do you cope surrounded by imperfect people? [Biased]

(I was so flustered I called him Tim on the thread, too. Just went back a fixed that.)

[ 07. October 2015, 05:56: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:

YMMV. I find I spend my time more constructively no longer worrying whether or not God is living up to my standards.


 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
Sioni Sais on Geoffrey Howe, over in Celebrity Death Pool:
quote:
David Cameron paid tribute to him in that article. I wish he and Osborne listened to him a bit more, for despite being a Thatcherite Tory he had ten times the empathy they show, possibly a consequence of attending Winchester (a genuine centre of excellence, if an expensive one) rather than Eton (where they teach beagling and some truly stupid games).


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
This needs no context other than current events:

quote:
Originally posted by Chesterbelloc:
YMMD (esp. if you're driving a VW).


 
Posted by Athrawes (# 9594) on :
 
From the Never again meals thread in Heaven:

Originally posted by North East Quine:
Anyone else had a child who took one look at their dinner and then refused to say Grace on the basis that "If I tell God I'm grateful for this He will know I'm telling lies."?
 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
Karl: Liberal Backslider sums up popular music of recent times:

quote:
Bloody hip-hop, techno and all that sails in it seems to have held sway with little change for about the last 30 years. It went Bum shitty bum shitty bum shitty bum in 1988 and it's still going Bum shitty bum shitty bum shitty bum now.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Just [Killing me] :

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
Or, have you Canadians decided that there's no point in pretending to be a different country and simply joined the US without telling anyone?
.

Dear God, I think his sphincter clench just sucked up Montana...

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Why we have a quotes file: Because sometimes the fierce debate over marriage equality will give birth to the phrase" frosting on the fuck cake."
quote:
Originally posted by Soror Magna:


In your definition of marriage, if that penis doesn't go into that vagina, it can't be marriage, and nothing, nothing, nothing can ever make up for absence of Tab A and Slot B. In your definition of marriage, all that stuff about "till death do us part" and "in sickness and in health" and "forsaking all others" doesn't make the marriage, it's just frosting on the fuck cake. When married people celebrate their anniversary, they're commemorating the date of their first fuck.

Is that really the hill of the definition of marriage you want to die on? The Golgotha where you crucify gays and lesbians on your cross of genital marriage? (Thank you, William Jennings Bryan.)



 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
From cliffdweller on the subject of driving:

quote:
I think of it as a spiritual practice: you get to the bottom of the onramp and then have a bit of quiet time while you pray for an opening in the traffic. Then when you decide to make your move you have a more charismatic sort of experience, shouting "o God o God o God o God" as you gun it hoping desperately that your aging car will get up to speed before the traffic catches up to you. Finally, you practice holiness by gripping the steering wheel tightly as you focus on remaining on the not-so-straight and narrow.

 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
(That one seemed more like a sex metaphor to me.)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Archived because the " bucket of snails" tableau sends me off into giggles every time I read it:
quote:
Originally posted by la vie en rouge:


And I’ve got to tell you this one, because it’s possibly the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen. Last week, Boss parked his scooter somewhere he shouldn’t have done and it got impounded by the police. He went to get it back, presumably at some considerable cost. A little later, I came round to his office to give him some papers and heard that he was on the phone, with a funny voice saying something about the Embassy. What’s that all about?...He was trying to pass himself off as an angry American. I reckon the person on the other end of the phone (at the Prefecture of Police) must have been killing themselves laughing. The accent was, ahem, unconvincing. Also he has a really, really French name. He couldn’t look more French if he was standing in a bucket of snails wearing a stripy jumper and whistling la Marseillaise. Apart from which, even if he had been a bit more convincing, what the hell was this supposed to achieve, apart from getting Americans a bad reputation? Why would Americans not have to pay parking fines? I don’t even.

I don’t know whether I’m going to end up in jail or in a lunatic asylum.


 
Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :
 
Eliab in the "Calling all homophobes to Hell" thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Eliab:
I've got the testicles of an ape whose ancestors put it about.


 
Posted by jrw (# 18045) on :
 
Stetson in the 'Political correctness goes mad' thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Stetson:
I think it's ridiculous how these days you can't have a nativity scene without some p.c. nutter having to toss in a bunch of middle-eastern people and a teenaged mother.


 
Posted by Tukai (# 12960) on :
 
Jane R in the the Heaven thread about "inept drivers":

quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
NEQ:
quote:
I had a great uncle who believed that driving straddling the white lines in the middle was the most fuel-efficient way to drive.
...whereas I always thought it was a political statement.

Or, if it's the Bishop's car, a theological statement (all Anglicans believe they are middle-of-the-road).


 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Sandemaniac waxes lyrical on the Stir-up Sunday thread in Heaven:
quote:
*moans orgasmically*

We had a truly fantastic fruit cake today - made for last Christmas - full of great lumps of candied fruit, black as the inside of Satan's posing pouch, and solid enough to build walls from. Moister than a new bride, and richly fed with brandy like the bride's father.

It was amazing! It also seems to have inspired my tongue to run away with itself, must be the brandy.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
Ever had your leg humped by a gerbil? It's hilarious.


 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
Alan Cresswell sorts out the tricky question of church governance between the Church of England and Church of Scotland:

quote:
quote:
Originally posted by Ricardus:
And what resources are going to make the problem go away?

There's only one answer that would be agreeable to Prebyterian and Episcopalian alike. They need a committee.

 
Posted by Stercus Tauri (# 16668) on :
 
An unassailable truth is brought to us by Firenze:

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Or you could alternate the old and new lightbulbs in a doubtless doomed effort to please everybody.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sioni Sais, on the nature of evil:

quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
If there is a common thread running through all these people and their acts it is self-deception. They have convinced themselves that their policies, methods or acts are good when it is plainly otherwise.

Problems get worse still when they are gifted communicators or able to employ others to write speeches for them, for then they become dangerously influential. After all, once you have deceived yourself, it's a doddle to deceive others. In their evil, they are 100% sincere.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Bunny with an Axe knocks one out of the park. (In the "Bacon Butties" thread in Purg)

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
It occurs to me that, in some church circles, "outreach" has stopped meaning "reaching out" and now means "reeling in"...


 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
And you, MT, came up with this corker on the 'Anglicans and Lightbulbs' thread over in Heaven:

How many Orthodoxen does it take to change a light bulb? What is this "light bulb"? Was it light bulb in church in 19th Century Russia? No, it was not. Is outrage! You light holy candle, never mind this "light bulb." You need new candle, you pay babushka in foyer, she give you candle. [to self] Light bulb in church. Ha! This is what is wrong with world today. Oy.
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Le Roc blows the gaff on Brazil, musicians and the effect of alcohol on the memory in the Britain thread in AS:

Something interesting happened. During Carnival 2009, I was in Brazil. I was mostly playing, and backstage I met some musicians who said to me: "we'll be recording some stuff on Thursday, come join us." So that was the day after Ash Wednesday, when everyone in Brazil has a hangover (but recording studios are cheap). But alright, I went to the studio for about on hour and played a bit. The following week, I was off to Cape Verde and mostly forgot about the whole thing. Last week, I was in a rather obscure CD shop in Brazil, saw a cover and thought: "I remember the name of that band." I opened the booklet and there it was on page 2: "[My real name], trumpet on tracks 2 and 16". After seven years, I'm finally able to hear what I played on that moody Thursday [Smile]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Cool!
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
This has already been picked out and praised on the thread itself (about coverage of David Bowie's death on the BBC in Hell), but is definitely worthy of Quotes File status. Bibaculus on David Bowie:

quote:
I understand he might have been important to some people, but, let us be honest, its not like he has the cultural significance of, say, Nigel Blackwell from Half Man Half Biscuit.
It doesn't even matter that he's wrong. I laughed.
 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jack the Lass:
... Bibaculus on David Bowie:
quote:
I understand he might have been important to some people, but, let us be honest, its not like he has the cultural significance of, say, Nigel Blackwell from Half Man Half Biscuit.

Nigel who? [Devil]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
How about this one, from the Death Pool thread?

quote:
Originally posted by The Rogue:
Please be kind to Piglet who would have scored 32 points had David Bowie died in December.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Just indescribable:

quote:
Originally posted by mark_in_manchester:
One of the useful things about the '7 deadlies' (or, if you want to go back in time a little further, the '8 thoughts') is that they provide a kind of decomposition of our faults into separate axes of 'sin space'.
Unlike Cartesian (3D xyz) space, colour (rgb), taste (sweet, sour etc) and Fourier (!) decomposition, sin space does not seem to have very orthogonal axes - there seems to be some overlap or redundancy between them. But still, it can be useful to consider what proportions of rgb comprise your personal shade of brown, without needing to think that red (for example) somehow caused green and blue - which would be reductionism, not simply useful decomposition.
.

quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
I'd like to see a Fourier transform of my sins. I'm sure it would look interesting [Smile]

quote:
Originally posted by mark_in_manchester:
Just take the stuff you do, multiply it by e^j(fuckery_n *t) where 0<n<8, and integrate dt from the dawn of time to the end of all ages.
Or truncate at your birth and death if you prefer, or estimate over one waking day if you tend to do the same old shit.
Try to avoid being mid-sin as you wake or go to sleep; truncation errors may be improved by using a window function, at the cost of explicit spiritual guidance smearing across sin space and giving only generalised impressions of undifferentiated wankery.
[Smile]


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Adeodatus:
quote:
Anglican "apologies" on this (Dead Horse) issue always translate as "We're really sorry we keep punching you. If it's any consolation, it's really starting to hurt our fists now."


[ 16. January 2016, 04:58: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
The 'one' in the first sentence is a cockatiel.
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
A friend of mine had one. The family kept a special collection of brightly coloured chiffon headscarves handy because the bird would land on your head unless you were wearing one of these. There was no way to avoid looking like a wally when visiting as everybody had either a headscarf or a bird on their head.

The picture in my mind is hysterical!
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
No ibises (ibes?) in Brazil. Many great egrets though.

Egrets... I've had a few...
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
But then again, too few to mention.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I'll stick with Piaf.
 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Amanda B's response in AS to Lamb Chopped's quote from her son deserves preservation:
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
The Lord bless and keep you . . . The Lord lift up his continence upon you.

Definitely one for the SOF Quotes File. I should frame it and post it in the dining room at my father's nursing home.
[Overused]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
[Eek!] At least we have to mention that it was a slip of the tongue--and not mine! [Snigger]
 
Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on :
 
quote:
The set-up line:
Nouveau riche, darling.

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I've got a darling ass you can kiss, buddy.


 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
oi! That was not a set-up!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Killing me] [Yipee] [Yipee] [Yipee]
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
mdijon in Dead Horses (the LGBT Anglican Clergy thread), about the moderate position in the CofE:

quote:
I think that's the point. There is no moderate. We are either fallen-away, luke-warm heretical diluters of the gospel and complicit with sinners or upholders of the gospel according to St Bastard. The middle is squeezed into oblivion.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by Gee D:

Did not want you to feel left out Orfeo, not in your preferred place centre-stage.

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
Darling, if I want control of the narrative, I'll wrest it from you.

This just reminded me of an exchange Noel Coward might write.


 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Eirenist in Heaven talking about an amazingly long-running radio soap:

quote:
There's nothing wrong with The Archers that couldn't be put right by Tom, say, running amok with a chain-saw . . .

 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
In the thread about chimps building cairns and asking if this is emerging religion.

quote:
Originally posted by Martin60:

It's not how religious the chimps are being. It's how chimp the religious are being.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Um. Did Martin Luther ever entertain the idea of reincarnation? Because this sounds like something from his insult generator, neologism aside:

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:

3. I hope an incontinent drop bear crawls into your shoe closet and finds your favourite pair, you monotreme-felching santorum stain.


 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Zappa completely fails to mince his words in "When church is an introvert's hell" in AS:
quote:
And chat fests to share your soul or be told you're spiritually ill if you don't? They make Cthulhu and all Angels vomit in four part harmony.
[Killing me] [Overused] [Killing me]
 
Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :
 
Meanwhile in Hell, Schroedinger's cat expands on the theory that God is everywhere...


quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:

And these examples are just blatant cases of people finding God in their arses.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Just because.

quote:
Originally posted by Dark Knight:

Oh brave new world, that has such fuckwits in it ...


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The Loneliness of the Long Distance Helhost:
quote:
Originally posted by Ariston:
Great Googly Moogly, I leave y'alls alone long enough to have some soda bread, homebrewed porter, and a shot of Jameson and I find This on my doorstep.

I used to be Lord of the Circus. I was a god. A king. People respected me. People feared me. I ended Mornington Crescent. More than once, even. Can't hardly do that to the DC Metro...well, okay, the Metro doesn't need my help to be fucked up, but LET'S PASS OVER THAT, MMKAY?

How the mighty have fallen. Now I have to herd an incontinent golden retriever complaining about introverts rather than parrying witty repartee from Budhette. Now I deal with lightweights who turn into Little Lost Puppies in the face of a little Cuervo. Why. Just Why.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by hatless:
Yes. The power of God is often used as a get-out-of-logic card.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
quote:
Lamb Chopped: He thinks maybe Jesus popped into the soldiers' barracks and politely asked for them back
I can just imagine this. So they're lulling around in their barrack on Sunday morning, and this guy they crucified two days ago (they remember Him because of all those crazy women around) walks in naked as a jaybird: "would you terribly mind giving those back to me?" Dumbstruck, they hand Him over the package, stammering "o-… of course sir". Minutes after He left, they're still standing still, staring at the emptiness in front of them with enormous eyes.
Love.This.

Too funny.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
But what does "God exists" mean? Clearly, God doesn't exist in the same way as, say, a table exists.

Oh, I don't know, I bump into him from time to time... And the bruises are very real.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Eutychus:
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
I've 3 different sized cafetieres, plus an old stove-top percolator. One of the children informs me that when camping he uses an ordinary jug and puts the coffee in an old sock [Eek!]

The French expression for horrible, weak coffee is jus de chaussette (sock juice)...
We learn things in Heaven. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Graven Image on the Retirement thread is AS:

quote:
Originally posted by Graven Image:
...Finally help others to learn that , "NO," is a complete sentence.


 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
Humble Servant in the Geometry and the Gospel thread in Eccles:

quote:
He's judging you for judging us for judging this lady for judging someone else's behaviour in church. Is that right Mousethief?


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
quote:
Why did God create the universe, and us?
Hey, we've all had boring Sunday afternoons that got out of hand.

Yeah. One time Sunday afternoon engulfed most of the rest of the week.
 
Posted by jrw (# 18045) on :
 
que sais-je on the 'Why did God create the universe, and us?' thread.

quote:
...being omniscient he already knew it how it was going to turn out. Personally I'd have stopped right there (except of course I'd know I wasn't going to).

 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Molopata creates a rather excellent new word on the Pastafarian thread in Heaven:
quote:
Originally posted by Molopata:
quote:
Originally posted by jacobsen:
I am a pastafarian agnostic with doubts. If it's wholemeal, can it be the One True Pasta?

That would be more correctly referred to as an agnocchi.
[Overused] [Killing me]
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Felafool in Purg optimist/pessimist thread
quote:
I used to be a Pessimist. Now that I have become an Optimist I can see a lot of good reasons for being a Pessimist.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
When Kerygmaniacs carp.
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:


What bugs me about conflating all the anointers/washers is that it cuts down on the number of interesting, intelligent, adult women interacting with Jesus, and reduces them all to a single troubled individual who is easily pigeonholed and disregarded as a stereotypical prostitute. And what's with that, anyway? We have no idea what sin the repentant woman had committed; for all we know, it could have been widespread financial fraud.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
On the circus that is the lead-up to the U.S. presidential elections:

quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
It's all fun and games until the horsemen of the apocalypse show up


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Brenda Clough:
The assholery of the human race is, by and large, the reason why we cannot have nice things.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Alan constructs one sentence that the entire UN would probably agree upon:

quote:
Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
(I wouldn't, but) I'd be tempted to buy the gun then turn up at his door and shoot him with it (before he has a chance to cash the cheque and give it to support the vile causes he's highlighted). If it's not illegal to use that gun to shoot a kid for walking while black, it can't be illegal to use it to shoot someone for the much graver offence of breathing while being an arsehole.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Ricardus:
quote:
Revelation: GIANT MANY-HEADED MONSTERS DESTROY THE WORLD!!! (Tea and biscuits will be served afterwards.)
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Alan constructs one sentence that the entire UN would probably agree upon

Clearly I'm not in the UN (only just saw this).
 
Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
My experience is that there is little practical value in vilifying people.

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Really.

Predicting that exchange would have had really long odds with any discerning bookie.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Stetson muses on paradoxes in American political rhetoric:

quote:
Originally posted by Stetson:
And has anyone else noticed this Democratic rhetoric about how Trump will undo "decades of US foreign-policy consensus?

I never knew American liberals regarded previous US administrations as such paragons of far-sighted geopolitical acumen and virtue.

HEY HEY LBJ
HOW MANY KIDS DID YOU KILL TODAY?
BUT JUST TO BE CLEAR, YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS SOME OTHER PEOPLE WHO COULD BE PRESIDENT!!

BUSH LIED, PEOPLE DIED!!
THOUGH WE DO GIVE HIM CREDIT FOR OPERATING WITHIN THE ACCEPTED PARAMETERS OF FOREIGN POLICY WISDOM!!


 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Pigwidgeon doesn't mince her words in a sub-thread conversation about silly place-names in AS:

quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
...and, of course, the incomparable Dildo.

I guess that comes in handy when you can't get to Intercourse.

 
Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
Oooh, I've never made the Quotes File before!
[Yipee]
 
Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :
 
A fine entry that belongs both here and in the hermeneutical cirque du soleil from Adeodatus.
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
...how many angels were there at the tomb on the day of the Resurrection? Matthew and Mark say one; Luke and John say two. But "Ah," say our inerrantists, "'One' might mean 'at least one', so there were two." Fine, but if I tell you there's a man waiting round the next corner to attack you with an axe, and you think, "Well it's only one man, I can take him on", you're going to be pretty miffed if there turn out to be six.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Brevity is the soul of wit.

quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink.:
quote:
Originally posted by Doc Tor:
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink.:
The art of the one liner

In a two hour long video? [Roll Eyes]
Paradoxes make me tingly.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Contributed by a talented newby.

Tibi Omnes:
quote:
Really, they should give gay people who want to join churches a signing bonus.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Contributed by a talented newby.

Tibi Omnes:
quote:
Really, they should give gay people who want to join churches a signing bonus.


[Overused]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Nick Tamen identifies the elephant in the room.

Originally posted by no prophet's flag is set so...:
The mention of prolife leads me to ask if Trump is pro anything.


Yes, he is. He is pro-Trump.
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Alan Cresswell on the In, Out, In, Out thread:

quote:
The chaos in the Leave camp is a simple case of chickens coming home to roost. And, most of those chickens seem to have lost their heads.

 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
On the Chilcot Inquiry thread into the Second Iraq War (2003 and onwards), Tony Blair's attempts to justify his actions have taken up most of comments. Martin 60 puts it briefly and accurately:

Blair has apologized FULLY and taken FULL responsibility for doing NOTHING wrong.
 
Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :
 
Betjemaniac sums up Andrea Leadsome's recent record on honesty:
quote:
Originally posted by betjemaniac:
quote:
Originally posted by Callan:

just voting for May and adding "Won MPs vote by a country mile" to her CV before sending her to the members.

they may as well, on current form Mrs Leadsom will undoubtedly have added it to hers...

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Okay a fabulous put-down. No need to say of whom.

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
I do not think you are actually an idiot, but I do think you are doing an incredible job of acting the part.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Pearl B4 Swine's addition to the Alphabestiary:
quote:
L is for Lamb
the wooly I AM.

Perfect!
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Callan, on the "Jeremy Corbyn Out" thread in Purgatory commenting on Labour challengers for the leadership of that party:

"If the recent Tory leadership election had been held by Labour, I suspect that we would currently be in the middle of a gripping contest between Stephen Crabb and Liam Fox."
 
Posted by jrw (# 18045) on :
 
Eutychus in 'The other cheek' thread in purgatory.

quote:
I think revenge is a bit like masturbation. It's the prospect of release rather than the situation after it that drives people on. And once you've done it, you find out it doesn't actually satisfy anything.

 
Posted by Tukai (# 12960) on :
 
From the Hell thread about Ryan Lochte [a badly behaved American swimmer, for those who have never heard of him]:

Schroedinger's Cat:
".....He doesn't represent the US. He represents the entitled, wealthy classes, the supra-national class of people who are more loathsome the more we see of them. "

to which Sioni Sais responded:
" Has Trump found a running mate?"
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
mdijon in the US Presidential Election thread:

quote:
Do you suppose that Trump might actually be a lizard in disguise*? I'm not saying I know, I'm just saying some people have asked. I mean he does have those small hands. Could be. Has his campaign made a statement? Well, I don't know, I haven't heard one if they have. Why do you think they haven't made a statement, seems like it would be the easiest thing in the world to do.

* OK, not very good disguise.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Wow. Good answer.
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Steve Langton:
quote:
Originally posted by fausto:
quote:
Originally posted by Steve Langton:
it's ended up something of an unholy mess with no clear stance on anything....

Or perhaps it would be better described as a holy mess? [Biased]
"Holy mess" is something of a contradiction in terms [Smile]
So you're saying your DM doesn't allow Chaotic Good?

 
Posted by Soror Magna (# 9881) on :
 
lilBuddha gives us a koan on the Hacked off at Buddhists thread:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
...I've been told a Buddhist should be much more calm than I am. To which I give the serene reply: "Shut your fucking mouth before I demonstrate one fist clapping". ...


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
On that note:
Anyone can get mad. Anyone can fire off nasty remarks an Hell. But you have to respect the person who takes the time and effort to turn their Hellfire into a masterpiece:

quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha:
Jesus wept!*
[Unfortunate Target], I am revoking your right to criticise [Subject of Hell Call]** Your inability to grasp the use of examples implies a level of mental constipation*** only slightly lower than his.****

*Figure of speechº, I do not mean he literally wept.ⁱ
**This is sarcasm¹, I do not have this authority² and likely would not use it if I did.
***Also a figure of speechº
****This is slight hyperbole.³

º a word or phrase used in a nonliteral sense to add rhetorical force to a spoken or written passage
¹ the use of ironyₐ to mock or convey contempt
² the power or right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience.
³ exaggerated statements or claims not meant to be taken literallyₔ

ₐ the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect

ₔ This definition is for the benefit of everyone as very few people get it right.


ⁱ Not saying he did not weep, either. I never met him and, like I said earlier, it is a figure of speech.*



[ 25. September 2016, 19:58: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
You got there before me Kelly.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
On the US Presidential Election 2016 thread, this is cliffdweller's take on last night's debate:

quote:

I think Trump's audition for Fox's new reality show, "Candidate Island" went quite well.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Martin60 throws down the gauntlet in the Gnostic thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Martin60:
We tend not to kiss arse here. Especially when it's being spoken through.


 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Oh that is brilliant, Martin! [Smile]

I very much enjoyed this, from Callan, on the US Presidential election thread:

quote:
I know that Miss Universe's are supposed to avoid controversy but in the vanishingly unlikely event that I ever got the gig and Donald Trump had a pop at my looks I'd be like: "Dude, I'm Miss fucking Universe, and I got the job because I am smoking hot and want greater understanding between nations and you, sunshine, are a fat xenophobic twat with a rug on his head, so go fuck yourself". If the current Miss Universe requires a speech writer my rates are very reasonable.

 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
lilBuddha in the chilies thread:

quote:

Love chocolate actually. Well, even Love is inadequate, I mean, one loves people and people are a poor substitute for chocolate.


 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
Firenze giving us a giggle!

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Apropos of nothing much: in Czech they add the female suffix to foreign names. So there she's J K Rowlingova.


 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
From ArachnidinElmet on the Praise and Thanksgiving thread:

God definitely moves in mysterious ways when he answers prayers. I prayed hard for a pianist and singers and received a bongo player, which turned out to be surprisingly perfect. [Yipee] [Votive]

Ain't it so.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
From the tears of tragedy, the soil of Quotes File brilliance is watered:

quote:
Originally posted by Callan:
Originally posted by RuthW:

quote:
If you haven't seen the reports of this, say so, and I'll post links.
I was tempted to ignore this because I'm depressed enough already, but better know the worst.

I'm sorely tempted to revert to the archives and remind myself what we were arguing about during the Bush era. This is turning into that line from Crocodile Dundee. "OMG! That's a really bad Republican administration"
"Nah, that's not a really bad Republican administration. THIS is a really bad Republican administration!".


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
On a thread where several posters suggest that solving the problem of cell phones ringing in church is dead easy, and only idiots get caught out:

Originally posted by Utrecht Catholic:
quote:
One good advice, leave your Phone at home or in your car.
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Oh how blessed are ye of perfect memory! How beloved of God! What ye put down, ye remember to pick up again. What ye take off, ye remember to put on again. What ye turn off, ye remember to turn on again.

Therefore we entreat: Pray for us of bad memory. Remember us in our misery, we beg of you. For we fear to put things down, lest we forget to pick them up again. We fear to take things off, lest we forget to put them on again. We fear to turn things off, lest we forget to turn them back on again.

Look not upon us with scorn, ye mighty ones. Consider with pity our plight. For we have not chosen to be forgetful, but accept our miserable condition as best we can, and strive to cope by whatever means we may find.

Therefore do we pray unto you, who are blessed by the Almighty with abilities we can only dream of, that ye might lay off, and give unto us a break that doth fuck.


 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
From a discussion about valid, invalid, illicit, and irregular consecration of the Eucharist:

quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
Spell Failure Table (Consecrate Elements)

Roll d10

1-5: Bread and wine remain bread and wine. Power points lost

6-8: Elements transmuted, but turn immediately back again as effect fails to achieve permanence.

9: Bread toasted; wine mulled

10: Spell over-reaches; accidents also transformed, making a right mess on the altar.

I hope it's as funny outside its more serious context.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Killing me] [Overused]
 
Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
"I've come to the conclusion that, very rare though it is that one can say such a thing, to have voted for Trump is not just stupid, immature, naive or unwise, but does actually tip over into being a sin." -- Enoch
 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
From Doc Tor on the Castro thread in Purgatory:

When Jesus said "You'll always have the poor with you", it wasn't a campaign pledge.
 
Posted by Callan (# 525) on :
 
I suspect that this, from Mudfrog, was a typo. But if not, all time classic.

quote:
All in all, we are simply required to look up, be ready and ensure that we are not left behi

 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Callan:
I suspect that this, from Mudfrog, was a typo. But if not, all time classic.

quote:
All in all, we are simply required to look up, be ready and ensure that we are not left behi

I'm pretty sure it's the latter, not a typo!
 
Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
quote:
Originally posted by Callan:
I suspect that this, from Mudfrog, was a typo. But if not, all time classic.

quote:
All in all, we are simply required to look up, be ready and ensure that we are not left behi

I'm pretty sure it's the latter, not a typo!
I just assumed it was 'beyond his control'. Have we seen Mudfrog since?
[Eek!]
 
Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
"Faith is shown by works. Like yours. Beliefs are two a penny." -- Martin60
 
Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
quote:
Originally posted by Callan:
I suspect that this, from Mudfrog, was a typo. But if not, all time classic.

quote:
All in all, we are simply required to look up, be ready and ensure that we are not left behi

I'm pretty sure it's the latter, not a typo!
I just assumed it was 'beyond his control'. Have we seen Mudfrog since?
[Eek!]

Who'dathunkit? Muddy the only Shipmate to be of the elect...
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
What an awesome way to make an exit.
 
Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
I am awestruck.
[Cool]
 
Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on :
 
And I'm awestruck by the ability to distill the gay bakery thread into this;

quote:
Originally posted by Eliab:
Yes, you can kill with a carrot. Yes, you can discriminate against people with big noses. But sensible people, and sensible legislators, will be a little more worried about guns and homophobia.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
This is probably many pages back on this thread, but I was looking at my personal quotes file and this quote seemed quite prophetic of our times:
quote:
Pyx_e:
We are way past "white flag of surrender" land and are currently galloping through "foaming at the mouth" land with "doing 60 mph into a brick wall" land clearly in sight.
I can't watch.

I miss Pyx_e. [Tear]
 
Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
I miss Pyx_e. [Tear]

He did stop by the "Why daddy's nose bleeds: responsibility and disease and addiction" thread in Purgatory a couple of times on Friday. I also wish he were around more often.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Thanks! I'll check it out! [Yipee]
 
Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on :
 
Just saw;
quote:
There are no visitors on this board. Quiet, isn't it?
on the eighth day board for which the current topic is the quiet zone.

[ 06. January 2017, 07:09: Message edited by: mdijon ]
 
Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
I'm still loving RuthW's response when Rook started name-checking a number of rarely seen Shipmates.

quote:
To me it sounds like RooK's running his own weird version of Pokemon Go on the Ship.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
The thing is, people and ideas are not static with respect to each other. And, fundamentally, the differentiation of the two is absolutely necessary for a society to flourish.

Ideas need to be tested, and mistrusted until they withstand some reasonable scrutiny. A brutal culling of weak ideas is the machinery of reason. By exposing ourselves to many ideas, we get to reap the benefits of testing them against each other and thereby improving our understandings. Meanwhile, while people are one of the ways that ideas are carried, it helps if they're afforded some basic respect and forgiveness for sometimes not being right...

Sometimes I worry that we scare away people who disagree with some of us. But then I look at how little we agree with each other - other than on the value of being decent fucking people. And it seems obvious that what we scare away are mostly just shitty people.


 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Spike, on the "Before Church" thread in Heaven, proving that one really shouldn't eat too much cheese before going to bed:
quote:
... I remain is a state of semi slumber as my dreams are invaded by Claire Balding and a bit later on by some bishop or another ...

 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
WW nails it in the Rosencrantz game in the Circus:
quote:
Could the future assassin of the President Elect of the USA be called Dundonald?
[Killing me] [Killing me]
 
Posted by Tubbs (# 440) on :
 
This is so horribly accurate:

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
quote:
Power attracts the corruptible. Suspect any who seek it.
Frank Herbert.

Pyx_e's guide to becoming a religion scholar

1/ The Bible is THE WORD OF GOD

2/ If I do what it says the I get THE POWER OF GOD (not unlike the power of castle Grayskull I imagine)

3/ Power is always defined by "the right" and "the wrong." Find "the wrong" in you then find people to give it to (poors , poofs and peculiars always a good start). Pour out your hate for yourself on them and use THE POWER OF GOD to justify it.

4/ Sit pretty.


There. Easy. Good job I never do any of that shit.

Pyx_e

Mt 20.26 : It will not be so among you, but whoever desires to become great among you must be your servant. dammit

Tubbs
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Originally posted by Leorning Cniht:
quote:
Plus there's the small entropy monster, who spends his life carrying small objects around the house until he finds a different small object that he prefers. You can tell where he's been by the trail of out-of place objects in surprise cupboards, shelves, and so on.

I love this. A small entropy monster--I have the extra-large economy size one myself, and now I have the right phrase to describe him.
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
I'm still not entirely sure if I agree or disagree, but on the Standing With Sweden thread Martin60 knocked the stuffing out of me with this one (particularly the bolded sentence):

quote:
His constituency's confidence cannot fail. Satire and liberal whinging are NOT speaking to power. Cost the opportunity of actually doing social action.

 
Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
On the All Saints thread, "Where are you now?" discussing our changes (or lack of change) in our churchmanship over our lifetimes, no prophet's flag is set so... mentioned making a lot of things out of clay in Sunday School:
quote:
...don't put a penis on a clay Easter bunny unless it can be mistaken for a tail!
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :
 
Sarah G, on how the crucifixion wasn't exactly what people were expecting:
quote:
Originally posted by Sarah G:

It's like ordering a pizza, and having a dead badger delivered.


 
Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Simontoad on Martin60's stream-of-consciousness approach to spirituality:

quote:
All theology should be lived like the milk is off and there's no long-life in the cupboard.

 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Piglet on the Lands of the Southern Cross thread in All Saints on the subject of soup:

"D's definition of a good restaurant is one where they can make a soup that he likes out of ingredients that he doesn't (a notable example having been red pepper and aubergine)."
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
People, people, people, this is a no- brainer. Why did it languish so long uncollected?

quote:
orfeo retorted:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
This has turned into that most annoying of discussions - where all the current participants agree with each other fundamentally on the core topic, but insist on arguing semantics (probably for imaginary points). And I hate all of you for it.

For my benefit, exude from your tear ducts a quantity of liquid sufficient to fill a watercourse.

 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Only posted a few minutes ago, but it sums up the national mood perfectly. ArachnidinElmet on the UK Election thread in Hell:

quote:
I'm watching an episode of The Handmaid's Tale to cheer myself up...

 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
Hedgehog on politics:

quote:
I am tired of being ruled by children whose main ambition is to see how many wedgies they can give to the members of the opposition party.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
from Dafyd, long may he wave:

quote:
quote:

You also cleverly avoided my point, which rests on the fact....


Oh if only I had been able to find a point to avoid.


 
Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Martin60:
quote:
Originally posted by rolyn:
quote:
Originally posted by Martin60:
What if Archimedes had never existed?

We would not have had the old schoolyard joke about you-reeker
That stinks.
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
If the snake had offered Eve a brussels sprout, just think of all the trouble it would have saved mankind. Eve would have told the snake where to shove it.


 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Quetzalcoatl and Callan on the subject of a lady Dr. Who:
quote:
Originally posted by Callan:
quote:
Originally posted by quetzalcoatl:
What bliss! The last great barrier for women, after women doctors, astronauts, prime ministers. Jodie will be terrific.

It will be Bond next, then the U.S. President, the Archbishop of Canterbury, the Pope and then, finally, the Leader of the Labour Party.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Gottschalk sums up what I believe should be the ethos of the Ship:
quote:
we should perhaps never give up the task of trying to dialogue, discuss and learn, in spite of our convictions and beliefs, and that we all need a healthy dose of distance from ourselves, our beliefs, and everything else, all peppered with humour
That should be nailed to the masthead, at least of Purgatory.
 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
Quetzalcoatl (are you looking for frequent friggin' flying points down here? [Biased] ... I note Lamb Chopped [Overused] ed it but clearly has enough frequent flights by courtesy of appearances on this thread)

quote:
I thought that everybody is ignored on the internet. In fact, forums are not really for communication, are they? Well, fortunately, I love reading my own posts. What could be more satisfying? Such wise words.


Though come on ... it should be "fora" [Roll Eyes]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
The Internet said:
"The current entry from the Oxford Dictionary says: The plural of forum is usually spelled forums; the plural fora (as in the original Latin) is chiefly used when talking about a public square in an ancient Roman city."


 
Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :
 
You can pry my latinate plurals out of my cold dead phalanges.
 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Leorning Cniht, if that wasn't in the Quotes File already, I think it would have to be put here.

[Killing me] [Overused] [Killing me]

edited for spelling of your name

[ 27. July 2017, 21:51: Message edited by: Piglet ]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Brenda Clough in heaven:

quote:
...the number of cat photos on line is essentially as infinite as the mind of God.

 
Posted by ArachnidinElmet (# 17346) on :
 
lilbuddha on the Famous Last Posts thread referring to newly created mash-up topic 2017 Celebrity Death Piglet:
quote:
Death Piglet Theatre presents: On Tiny Cloven Hooves

"Oh, what a cuuute little piggy!"
Squeal!
"What?! Nooo!"
Squeal! snort, snuffle, Squeal!
"But I'm too young to d..."
snort


Needed a laugh, made me own. Not even sorry.

Know that I'll be creating a Death Piglet Theatre version of any crime dramas I watch from now on (Law & Order: Porktown? Prime Rib Suspect?). [Two face] [Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
When Kerygmaniacs throw down:

quote:
Originally posted by LutheranChik:
Well, for one thing, Candler School of Theology at Emory isn't exactly Brother Billy Bob's Bible College and School of Hair Design...you can look up his CV if you want. His ideas are also echoed by scholars like Tamara Eskenazi.


 
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
This exchange:

quote:
simontoad:
I wish to advise you all that this was typed with a cat sticking her claws into my left shoulder. Clearly she is an instrument of God's retribution.

quote:
Rossweisse:
Cats are good at that, when it's called for.

A new definition:

Cats: noun, pl - Agents of Gods retribution.

-----

[Yes, I know there is a missing apostrophe, but as a cat owner I do not care ... OW! get off ....]
 
Posted by Soror Magna (# 9881) on :
 
While shopping in Hell , Doc Tor gave us this gem:


quote:
Originally posted by Doc Tor:
I've been married for 25 years. Speaking truth to power is a necessity.


 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
This thread popped to the top of the Circus with a six day old quote. Meaning someone posted a quote and then deleted the post. I shall be forever* curious as to what that quote was and why it was deleted. Why the second though, was it nasty, salacious, twisted? All three?


*Well, 15 minutes or so.

[ 08. September 2017, 21:57: Message edited by: lilBuddha ]
 
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on :
 
It was me. I said 'Brave man'. Then it occurred to me that I didn't know whether Doc Tor is a man or a woman and therefore, having kicked myself, I deleted it.
Sorry to disappoint!
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
He is a man. I do not think Soror Magna would have enshrined the quote otherwise.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
In the meantime, genius quotes abound. Like this gem regarding the current Commander in Chief:

quote:
Originally posted by simontoad:
quote:
Originally posted by Bishops Finger:
Can anyone explain what goes on inside what passes for The Barking Dog's mind?

[Confused]

IJ

me mine me mine me mine me mine me mine nice ass me mine me mine me mine me mine screw you arsehole me mine me mine me mine oh she likes me me mine me mine me mine me mine .....

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
Prior to my 2nd marriage my (never married) husband-to-be was briefly concerned that (when asked) I made clear that daughter would always come first. He consulted with two married friends: "is it normal for your wife to put your kids first?". One, a new father with a brand-new baby, pondered the question for a brief moment. The other-- having been a father for several years with a couple of toddlers-- laughed at them both, mocking the new father for not realizing that "you were #2 before the epidural wore off".

Wisdom and truth. The only trick is to know what kind parent and child pair they will grow into to know if there is room in there edgewise for you.
 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Baptist Trainfan explains the life-cycle of the wire coat-hanger on the Decluttering thread in AS:
quote:
You do realise, don't you, that paper clips are the larval form of metal coat-hangers?

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
I used to watch crap TV (home makeover shows etc) whilst ironing my husband's shirts. He used to explain that I'd rot my brain watching such rubbish, and say that he would never risk his own mighty brain by watching inane T.V. Eventually I realised that I was losing my husband's respect by watching mindless drivel whilst ironing his shirts. But I knew that I was incapable of watching anything intellectually challenging and ironing at the same time.

So I stopped ironing his shirts.

His mighty brain had genuinely not anticipated that as a solution to the problem. [Disappointed]

One of the Greatest. Posts. Ever. [Overused]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:


Here she stands; she can do no other. Deal with it.


 
Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
In a great one-two punch, Rocinante and Alan Cresswell take the description of Brexit to new, er, heights?

quote:
Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
quote:
Originally posted by Rocinante:
Britain is being pushed over a cliff by fools who think we'll somehow sprout wings during the long plummet to follow.

That's what happens when people live in cloud cuckoo land. They push everyone out of the nest before they can fly, then add a rather bizarre lemming twist by jumping themselves before they fledge.

 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ThunderBunk:
Stargazer lilies are the imprint of Satan's anus upon the world.

A perfect description! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
RooK, firing on all eight cylinders in Hell:

“Full of shit doesn't even begin to describe it. It's the faecal neutronium remnant of a collapsed shit-star from its shit-nova.”

I laughed again as I spoke it out loud to myself and the dog. He laughed too.
 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Jack the Lass in All Saints on why the Almighty will have some explaining to do when she gets to Heaven:
quote:
I may have to add 'slug longevity' to my list of things I wish to ask The Almighty about when I get the chance, along with Donald Trump and wasps.

In fairness, I think Trump may be the work of the other bloke ...

[ 04. December 2017, 18:42: Message edited by: Piglet ]
 
Posted by Stejjie (# 13941) on :
 
This exchange in the "Slogans" thread in heaven tickled me:
quote:
Originally posted by balaam:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Have you predestined your life's -and afterlife's-
schedule with the Calvinists?

That was always going to be posted.

 
Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :
 
Og, with a nice bit of touché.
quote:
Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
My Dad always said money is like fairies - they only exist if you believe in them.

A bit short on allowance day, was he? [Biased]

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
GK with some perspicacious advice on God's justice:

quote:
It might be wise to consider that if we call down justice, it might not be limited to our enemies...

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
In the middle of a philosophical discussion fraught with uncertainty and speculation, a word of solid truth is spoken:

quote:
Originally posted by no prophet's flag is set so...:
quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
Yeah. Go ahead and buy that copy of Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

Sophie's World is better.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Deep wisdom from a DH thread on the Bible:

quote:
Originally posted by Eutychus:
Translation, with all the interpretation that implies, is an intrinsic part of the Scriptures.


 


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