Thread: SoF Quotes File Board: The Circus / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Coot (# 220) on :
 
We used to have one of these long ago run by... the poster who um, yes. Well it's better not to mention her. [Tear]

Often when I see particularly funny/poignant/profound bits in posts, I cut and paste them into a file to use as possible .sigs (with acknowledgement, of course).

Therefore I thought I'd start this thread for contributions from around the board of worthy sayings. The quote that prompted this thread:

quote:
jedijudy:
I don't need an AK47. I am a Mom, and I know how to give "the look".

Another one at random (I have a very large number)...

quote:
Kenwritez:
Damn! My extra taco at lunch snatched the Unimix out of the mouths of some starving Sudanese. Bad me. Maybe I'll console myself with a handful of pretzels and kill off some Bangladeshis. If I'm really lucky, that pepperoni pizza for dinner can take down most of India.

I didn't take down the names of threads they appeared, but iirc jj's is from the Cowboys and Indians thread and Ken's from an old one in Purgatory about the evils of fat Christians.

This I think from the same thread as Ken's:
quote:
jugular:
I like being fat. I am happy being fat. In fact, I feel called to fatness. Being a lardass has been a very important part of my faith journey. If I didn't cry at Little Athletics because I kept coming last, Mum would never have sent me to Sunday School. Because I'm fat people do not perceive me as threatening. Women can be open and honest without thinking I want to root them. When I laugh, my whole body has a good time.

<small>[ 11. February 2013, 06:48: Message buggered about with by: Ariston ]</small>

[ 13. February 2013, 15:35: Message edited by: Ariston ]
 
Posted by Coot (# 220) on :
 
[Rustle Rustle]

Does no-one grazing on the threads think, 'Oh! That is so cool! My Shipmates are so witty, clever, bizarre, intelligent (choose which applies). I'm going to preserve wot they said forever...'

[Angel]


Next up we have one of my favourite posters:


~~~ QUOTES FOR ALL SEASONS by duchess ~~~


Dude, you know exactly what I meant in my clear way of speaking.


Throw a shrimp on the barbie and burn it baby.


Magic 8 ball sez: Eye candy does not cut it, chicky.


I want to kick his a*& in Christian love.


Magic 8 Ball Sez: Spank.


I intend to try to keep the Dorian Grey thing going on until I snag me a nice young hot thang. [Ed. note: [Eek!] ]


Bite me. I say that dripping with Christian Charity.


Wow. Somebody's got crushy-poo.


I scare all the single men away in my church. ... If I looked more like Pamela Anderson, they might work through their fear.


I love him as my brother in Christ but I seriously long to kick his a**.


.....


Steel yourself friends, Magic 8 ball season is not far off:
"I am trying to hold off since not only is it time consuiming, but also I try to keep that spirit reeled in till holiday shopping time, when I can use it more freely."
 
Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
I love Kelly Alves' sig -- "People will not believe 'Jesus loves me, this I know' if they do not believe "Kelly loves me, this I know.'" I'm probably mangling it terribly, but I love it.

[Axe murder]
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Good to see this thread back again ( [Tear] )

There are so many quotes and sig's worthy of mention. One sig that always used to make me smile, forgive me I forget which shipmate it is: 'I came, I saw, I made notes in the margin'.
 
Posted by Eigon (# 4917) on :
 
Here are three quotations that I particularly like (I have others):

Sixteen hours of anti-Christian, anti-Semitic, proto-Nazi, racialist, nationalist, fatalist, elitist, neo-pagan, pompous, screaming, gibbering, incestuous, violent, glorious, wierdness; belted out in cod-medieval alliterative German by great singers, unfit for any other music, specially bred for the purpose by Knights Templar genetic engineers in secret underground fortresses....
That's ken describing the Ring Cycle

Welsh is the language that wants to be Gaelic when it grows up. It is also the only language where "sheep farmer" and "pimp" are the same word. The only thing the Welsh have got right is their way of dealing with English holiday homes.
From Lurker (a Scot)

This is my blood of the new covenant, shed for you and for many, so that you can fart about doing whatever you like and ignore what I've been banging on about for the last three years, but that's alright, really, no, that's fine. Don't mind me.
From Dyfrig
 
Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
Nothing makes me laugh harder, think longer, study more nor entertain me like the Ship. Alas, my "Ship" file is only filled with real names, addresses, phone numbers, recipes, song links, etc. No quotes.

I feel so ashamed. Coot, from this day forward, when I read a brilliantly executed, far-fetched or nonsensical comment from a Shipmate, it's going to be copied and saved and shared.
 
Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
This is too long to copy out, but I have just voted this as my all-time best post on the ship.

This is how to answer the brainless morons like Priest, who Smudgie was responding to, with a well argued case, rather than just rudeness.
 
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
Oh dear, we both came back with the same grocery shopping! (Goodric)

' [Projectile] [Projectile] [Projectile] ' (Pants)

Both quotes from the 'random' thread, but not consecutive.
 
Posted by Coot (# 220) on :
 
Ah, Eigon, yes, I have that one of ken's too. lol [Overused] (Though I have 'giant' where you have 'great').


~~~And now some put downs~~~
(The understated favoured over the frontal assault)

quote:
babybear on being on-topic in answer to someone in Hell:

We have asked the question. We have answered the question. The answer is that you are talking a load of bollox.

best wishes and big hugs,

bb

"Do be a good little weenie and stick with the program." Erin


"Oh boo-fucking-hoo, (Name Removed). Cry me a river." paigeb.


"Thank you for sharing. Now, who are you again?" Erin.


"...feel free to address your concerns to your waste paper bin. It'll care more than me." Sarkycow.


"dozy airheaded meringue-wearing slappers" Norman the Organ, Defn. of a Bride.


"All the warmth and emotion of a moribund trout trapped in a sandbag." Diapason.


"Trust me, dear heart, homosexuality is not the doctrine of the incarnation and Lambeth 98 was not Nicea." Professor Yaffle, now Callan.


"Sometimes, there is a groundswell of consensus that someone's posts are pure and unadulterated crap, in content, presentation or both, and that it's time they knew it." Cranmer’s Baggage.


"I am impressed that I have managed to post "so many liturgical solecisms in one post". I reward myself with a gold star." daisymay

.


And my newest addition:

"Word has it that many Pagan priestesses also breathed as part of their rituals, and so I'm sure you will endeavor to stop doing so at your next service.)"
Mertseger, for those such as priest concerned with the adoption of pagan rituals into xtian ones.


[My quotes file is not systematic nor regular, so if you've said cool and/or witty and/or outrageous things which are absent from it, that isn't a reflection of their quality or my appraisal of it - just that I either didn't see 'em or wasn't very motivated about cutting and pasting at the time! I love youse all. [Tear] ]
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
And one from the wonderful bunny with an axe, Ms Kelly Alves (recently seen in hell):

'Dirty fighting. Either slap me or don't but don't tell me it's a tickle'.
 
Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on :
 
Also posted recently in Hell by our favourite Gator:

"Great googly moogly, you are crazier than a shithouse rat."

You've gotta respect someone who can use "great googly moogly" in an insult.

[ 30. September 2004, 12:57: Message edited by: Flausa ]
 
Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
I went back, Coot, just for you, and found this one that I remember brought me great joy:

Fame--Grrrrrr
I wanna live forever...


by Beli on the hilarious "Fame... Grrrr" thread.
 
Posted by ChristinaMarie (# 1013) on :
 
Alan Creswell responding to a post by Flausa who had descibed how some of Benny Hinn's followers had screamed at her to rid her of demons because she had a headache. (On the TV Evangelists thread)

quote:
Praying for the Holy Spirit to heal a headache is an easy mistake to make. It's a simple confusion between paracetamol and paraclete.

 
Posted by Ilkku (# 8123) on :
 
my sig was from Mousetheif orginally -and it - fitted the situation perfectly
 
Posted by Gremlin (# 129) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ilkku:
my sig was from Mousetheif orginally -and it - fitted the situation perfectly
--------------------
Oh, and PS: It shouldn't be hard to spell my name right. It's on everything I post. (Mousethief)

And there are sooo damn many of those that nobody should ever get it wrong! [Biased]

Gremlin
 
Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ilkku:
my sig was from Mousetheif orginally -and it - fitted the situation perfectly

I hope that was intentional...

[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]
 
Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on :
 
Hey, as long as it's spelled right in the sig, that's all that matters isn't it? [Biased]

[ 03. October 2004, 20:24: Message edited by: Flausa ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
In Purgatory:
Father Gregory posted this on the "How have Liberals contributed to Christianity?"--
quote:
Liberals(I have usually found ... assuming I could recognise one if I saw one) are people ... and being people, they generally have something good to contribute.

Then, minutes later, posted this on "How have Evangelicals contributed to Christianity?"--

quote:
Evangelicals (I have usually found ... assuming I could recognise one if I saw one) are people ... and being people, they generally have something good to contribute.

I am such a sucker for sass.
 
Posted by Elisabeth Scott (# 7290) on :
 
Don't forget, "If you keep on calling me Satan I shall be forced to sing show tunes," which is Ken Writez' sig, I think.
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
Indeed it is, alltho I am toying with RooK's quote, "Note to self: must be more petty and cruel." Enough of this fluffy bunny guff!
 
Posted by Ilkku (# 8123) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
quote:
Originally posted by Ilkku:
my sig was from Mousetheif orginally -and it - fitted the situation perfectly

I hope that was intentional...

[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]

LOL
 
Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on :
 
From Mousethief on the "just war" thread in Purgatory:

quote:
Please don't put words in my mouth; it's crowded enough as it is.


 
Posted by Another.Ruth (# 7412) on :
 
Rat, on the subject of a dieting book's more peculiar suggestions, over on "God, Food & Us"

quote:
And I already have to get up at 6.15 if I'm cycling to work - there is no way on earth I'm going to get up an hour earlier so I can drink a glass of warm water with lemon juice (goes straight to the bowels, apparently - not sure what it does there) and do an exercise to find my emotional core before breakfast. I don't have an emotional core at 5.30 am.


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Coot, I just saw this. I am so touched, you are so sweet to think me so clever. [Waterworks]

I really need to do another MG8Ball thread. [Devil]
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
From Flausa being random:
Men. Can't live with 'em. Can't let 'em decompose underneath your bed.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Trini (# 7921) on :
 
Sorry I don't remember who said this. (It may have been Ronist or one of the Shipmates with the same avatar as Ronist.)

quote:
The US is not, of course, a colony. You were convicted of throwing tea into water that was not at a full boil and were therefore scrubbed from the membership list.
Some revisionist history there. [Biased]
 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Part of Furry Gherkin's sig at the moment

"I Think...Therefore I can't Thwim..."

[Furry Gherkin might not have put an apostrophe in ...]

[ 07. October 2004, 20:56: Message edited by: Ann ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
From jlg:

quote:

(For most of my life, one of the things I couldn't accept about Christianity was this "we are all sinners" bit. Until I realized it just was a different way of saying we all want to be perfect, and we are all imperfect, and we all hate ourselves for that.)


 
Posted by *Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
I like kenwritez' line about "looking at God through the cat flap."
 
Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on :
 
From Ruudy on the Conversions thread in Purgatory:
quote:
Some of us get the burning bush. Some of us a smoldering ashtray.

 
Posted by Coot (# 220) on :
 
They said it!


"the thing is when one has led such a debauched and fulfilled youth as as I have, ones fantasies become a place of restful ease rather than rabelaisian excitement..."
Septimus


"A trashy piece of Tory willy-waving to seduce the blue-rinse bloodsuckers in the cheap seats at party conference."
ken on s28.


"More bodice-ripping historical novels in an imaginary history."
ken on Star Trek, Babylon 5 and Blake's 7.


"what would be a simple fun flirtation with another turns into a rapacious ravening amusement park thrill ride with me"
Janine


"Why can't we have a theory of inspiration that allows for the inspiration of the rodent that ate the last page of Mark?"
psyduck


Q: "What amazing thing has God done in your life this week?"
A: "He's kept me from killing you and burning down your house with your terrified loved ones handcuffed inside."
Kenwritez


"We all know [the Hosts and Admins] spend their days lounging under palm fronds under the sun, eating grapes to the sound of lazily plucked guitars and languidly bestirring their oiled bodies only to allow the masseuse better access or to reach the drinks and nibbles tray."
kenwritez


"The fraction anthem is cover music, folks."
irreverentkit


"January 2011: Martin PCNot's posts turn out to be a code, containing an unsuspected Mystery of Fatima."
Duo Seraphim


"Praise Jesus that our sister has the chance to take part in a commercialised capitalist exploitation dressed like a slut! Hallelujah!"
Jugular (On joyous handraising by a charismatic congregation on hearing the news that a member was selected for Idol or some such)


"I haven't gotten a taste for Marilyn Manson, but I might be willing to try if it would upset people enough."
Scot


"MM may be gone from these boards, but I feel his spirit flowing up the Ship Canal."
Degs
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Kepler's Puppet:
Since when did a Hell thread stay on topic for more than 50 posts? At least we're on page 2 and still talking about animals!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Posted by Kepler's Puppet (# 4011) on :
 
From Kelly Alves, in a thread that caused some controversy....

quote:
Cotton ain't the greatest thing to shove up your wazoo, but at least it breathes
When I first read that, it was one of the funniest things I had heard for a long time!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Pardon my ego, but I have to admit I was pretty proud of that one myself.]
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
That should have been another huge steaming pile of Cluely Goodness. --Amazing Grace

Feel my thrumming jealousy. -- RooK
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Come to think of it, Grace comes up with some sweet ones. I will have to keep an eye out.
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
"It's A Small World is a great advertisment for isolationist politics. If that's what heaven's like, I'm sinning my tits off for the rest of my life." --Marvin the Martian
 
Posted by Paul W. (# 1450) on :
 
A couple from my quotes file:

"Sometimes the message of the Holy Spirit to those who have ears to hear is that the thing they are being told is a load of rubbish and they would be better off in the pub." - Amos

" Mmmm? Religious disagreements? Eh? Boys playing theological football in the park, deacons for goalposts? Mm? Marvellous. Oh no! The ball's gone near the road! Screech of breaks - splat! Mummy mummy, that boy did it! Take that you horrid Catholic. Mmmm? Marvellous." - Dyfrig

Paul W
 
Posted by jemimah (# 8474) on :
 
quote:

Originally posted by IntellectbyProxy:
quote:

Originally posted by Pyx_e:
I think IbP is being drawn to the dark side of the force.

Better the dark side of the force than the dork side of the farce.


 
Posted by tej (# 7913) on :
 
A quote I like is
quote:
A man stands on a mountain on a planet orbiting a medium star. The Star orbits the center of a galaxey. The galaxey is one of many. And the man proclams himself greater than God
Another one I like is
quote:
It is not the number of people at a funeral but the number of tears.

 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
And from Vikki Pollard's sig:

I was going to put a signature but the pen won't write on the screen.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
As this came flying out of my mouth the other day under duress, I figured I should thank Kenwritez:

quote:
F**k me running.
[Edited for Hellishness]
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
The day of my funeral, Kelly's going to come forward and place a single rose on my casket. Someone will ask what I meant to her, and she'll answer, "He taught me 'f*ck me running.'"

It's legacies like this that are truly priceless. [Eek!]
 
Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From the thread, "Dammit Jim, this is an office, not a bordello!".

Kepler's Puppet on the overuse of perfume or scent, in an answer to Zwingli:
quote:
I've walked past guys and could almost see the mosquitos dropping from the sky in their wake [Disappointed] . Ditto for women.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
We had a great thread called "Things yout therapist would never tell you" that collected a lot of classics. My favorite was from Cusanus:

quote:
Your problem is you have delusions of adequacy.

 
Posted by Celsti (# 4523) on :
 
From the 'jackass in pickup truck" thread, in Borde Del Infierno:

Pob said

quote:
Mousethief, you apparently met one of the top ten contenders for the title of Thickest Racist of the Year. I wouldn't worry about him pouring petrol through your letter box. He'll probably pour it into his A:drive and try to email it to you.

tee hee ...

Oh, admire my sig while you are here, cos in a couple of days it's going to be replaced by a really good quote about postmodernism that I have to look up when I get that library book back.

me sig:
"The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity."
- W.B. Yeats takes a glum look at modern Anglicanism.

(from "The Second Coming")
 
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
'Sometimes we Snyffed our Snot' - Goodric from the A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.S. thread in Circus.
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
And from Raspberry Rabbit posting in the Styx:

"...the Ship is an oasis of urbane behaviour in an otherwise evil and chaotic expanse of cyberspace".
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Although I'd usually go for the "laughed so hard I bust a gut" kind of quote for this thread, Timothy the Obscure just posted this on the US election thread in Purgatory, and it had me nodding so hard my head nearly rolled off my neck:

"I certainly agree that Democrats, and the left in general (to the extent one can characterize the post-Clinton Democrats as "left") have made a terrible mistake in allowing the right to act as if it held trademark rights on the language of morality. People tell pollsters they vote on the basis of "moral values" which seems to mean nothing more than "other people's sex lives." I vote on the basis of moral values too: the moral value of social and economic equality; the moral value of caring for the sick; the moral value of not bombing civilians (or anyone else if you can help it); the moral value of not allowing corporations to exploit and rob workers and communities; the moral value of leaving a livable planet for our grandchildren. These are in no way less serious "moral values" than the sexual virtues that conservatives make so much of (indeed, I consider them far more morally serious and substantive than personal chastity). All the liberals I know are liberals because they believe liberalism to be a morally superior philosophy, and for many of them, that conviction stems from religious belief (Christian or otherwise). We need to say that louder."
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(In honor of Wood's retirement)

Way back when I first joined the Ship, I copied down something Wood had in his sig. I thought it was the most repsectful phrasing of disagreement that I had ever seen, and really attracted me to the site. Here it is, straight form my quote wall:

quote:
I've thought about it. I know what I am talking about. I am aware of the literature. I completely understand what you are saying. My opinion is different.I'll credit you with the intelligence to work out what that means for yourself.

 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
melliethepooh's sig:

"The end of all our journeying will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time".
 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
Had to trace that one Dolphy but knew it was not MelliethePooh's original. Tried C.S.Lewis and tried George MacDonald, before I ended up Googling and finding it is from T.S. Elliots The Four Quartets. Strange how that quote stuck with me and quite a chunk of the rest of that quartet though I have rarely read it, or heard it.

Jengie
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Thanks for clarifying that Jengie, I knew I had read it somewhere before but could not place it... until now.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I enjoyed reading the following post by marsupial:

Personally I think Christmas has become too commercialised and we seem to have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. Did Santa die on the cross for nothing?
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I can't remember who it was, but one sparkling day in Hell we had one of those online tests that told you what your spiritual gifts were, and someone who took the test posted:

quote:
Oh, hoo-freaking-ray. I have the gift of celibacy.
Still gets me giggling.
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
Transferred from closed "Quote of the day" thread in Heaven:

by Rossweise:

From an interview by Warwick Thompson of Bloomberg News with conductor Harry Bicket, on his ability to work at the Metropolitan Opera after spending years as a musician in the Church of England:

quote:

... Thompson: But you come from a cathedral background yourself. Does that mean your instincts aren't theatrical?

Bicket: I was at Westminster Abbey for four years and let me tell you -- the processions! The big occasions! It was pure theater. And frankly, in terms of divadom, working for the clergy of the Church of England at the highest level prepares you for anything you might meet on the operatic stage. And you can quote me on that.

Rossweisse // trusting that if this is in the wrong place, some kindly host will transfer it
 
Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
~~The Deep and The Controversial~~

"The great aunt Maud of Bishop Upright who ordained me was a lesbian. Oh my God ... where's the mitzvah bath?! The opportunities for evangelical Soundness Inquisition now know no bounds."
(Fr Gregory, response to Sydney commentary on the contaminated hands of ordinaries)


"As for an openly gay bishop -- all our bishops are celibate. Whether they aren't having sex with men or aren't having sex with women is totally irrelevant. I can't imagine why anyone would care."
josephine


"Are all gardens clearly heterosexual procreative environments? If I found heterosexuals procreating in my garden, I'd be mighty upset (especially if they smashed the basil)."
Mousethief


"... perhaps I unknowingly do harm by accepting homosexuality as a natural variation on human sexuality. But I cannot see how it is better to choose to do demonstrable harm over a possible, mysterious, esoteric harm not apparent to me."
Belle


"In my experience every one who loves the Church is also betrayed by the Church. For to love it is to also desire its heavenly reality to be incarnated NOW and all we get is an earthly monstrosity."
Jengie


"We are all (actually the whole world is) the incarnation of God and we will all die and we will all be resurrected. (I'm sure this belief is some formal heresy and would be glad to have it identified!"
I forgot to write down who wrote this one - anyone know? jlg possibly, it sounds like her [Biased]


"The church is a whore but she is our mother, and we love her...."
Multipara
 
Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
~ Blind Things ~ (traditional)

"Even a blind chicken can peck a grain of corn every now and again."
Sine


"Every once in a while, even a blind squirrel gets a shiny brass doorknob."
Mad Geo


"Even a blind pig gets an acorn now and then."
Moo


~~ They said it! Religious flavour. ~~

"I don't flirt. It breaks the flow of the liturgy."
Anselmina


"It is unseemly to bear at the mass symbols of our temporal bondage once we have crossed the threshold to that place without time."
The Dumb Acolyte, on wearing watches while celebrating the Mass.


"How is that made up? 5 minutes taking it up? 5 minutes glorying in it? 5 minutes preaching it? 5 minutes marching as it goes on before? 10 minutes clinging?"
Firenze, regarding the 'cross trainer'.


"I ain't had it in years and years, am I not holy?"
Jerry Boam


"I do love the risen Lord but after attending a recent happy clappy service I almost felt as if I'd been assaulted by him!!!"
Dorothea


"If the idea of a few subversive women offering up raisin cakes to God gets your knickers in that much of a twist then you should go and lie down."
Louise
 
Posted by Gremlin (# 129) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Balaam:
Marriage - when salad starts filling the space in the fridge reserved for beer.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
From Kiwigoldfish: the kind of attitude that makes Hell the delightful romp it is:

quote:
Perhaps I should change my sig line to "I reserve the right to wilfully misconstrue your posts for my own amusement."


 
Posted by kiwigoldfish (# 5512) on :
 
Hallelujah! I've made it™!
 
Posted by Mr Me (# 5834) on :
 
This post over in Hell.
quote:
I work in one of those overstuffed vaginas!
Welcome to the ship Sophie Bell!
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
"chive's a girl"

various threads and SoF cafe.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Dammit, this was funny, and if nobody else is gonna immortalize it, I will:

quote:
Holy Cow, a feminist call to arms? And nobody nudged me awake?

--A brilliant and hilarious person.
 
Posted by Kepler's Puppet (# 4011) on :
 
"... reductio ad absurdum doesn't work if the target has achieved such absurdity on their own that no further reduction is possible."-- Timothy the Obscure
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by josephine:
... between what should be and what is there is a gap wide enough to parallel park an aircraft carrier.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Trust Erin to come up with this one:

quote:
You are wronger than a wrong thing that is mistaken.


[ 06. February 2005, 17:48: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Light (# 4693) on :
 
This just in from TrudyTrudy in Heaven:

quote:
References to coffins and dead mothers bring down the mood of a wedding.

 
Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
If it suited my nature more, I'd adopt this gem from RooK as my new sig:
quote:
...it is painful for me to read you butchering the principles with the tarnished butter knife you call an intellect.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
How 'bout one from Gandhi?

quote:
Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.
--Gandhi


 
Posted by Frederick Buechner's Lovechild (# 4058) on :
 
First post in a long time, guys (not that I was ever prolific!). Reading your lines made me smile.

I offer one from a guy I used to work with:

"I only swear when I'm angry. But I'm angry all the time". [Biased]
 
Posted by Kepler's Puppet (# 4011) on :
 
"See those two holes at the sides? Your arms go in there. Then you've gotta decide where to put your head."-- Amos
 
Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:

Work was invented by the Devil to eat your life, sap your will and energy, and stop you doing the things you really want to do.

Amen and amen!
 
Posted by St Stevie the Sacrilegious (# 9113) on :
 
Dumbledore Wannabe posted this in the early stages of his sailing (c/- the All Saints newbies board):

quote:
"I have no desire to be a bishop - I would rather go to heaven"
Chorister then adopted it as her sig for a while. Would've done the same, but can't be seen to be a copycat, now can I?
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I was griping about my family's melodramatic tendancies to my instructor, and she sniffed,"Constipation ain't contagious. That's their problem, you don't need to catch it."
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh, and just because this is such Sine thing to say:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
You don't get over 9800 posts if you care if other people are paying attention.


 
Posted by Trini (# 7921) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep:
Snow is bad. Snow is evil. I believe that the Devil redecorated after reading Dante's 'Inferno'.


 
Posted by Sophie Bell (# 8822) on :
 
From Trudy-Trudy on the F'ing Flag Wavers thread in Hell
quote:
It's all praise and worship till somebody's baby loses an eye.
I think that's the funniest variation on that old saying I've ever heard!
 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
My 15 seconds of fame! Thank you Sophie Bell!
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
From Kenwritez on the 'Justifying a Christian Hell thread':

The Ship is a community full of lumpty, bumpty people and Alan Cresswell, it's not a frickin' TV show where all our problems are resolved in 22 minutes and four advertising breaks.
 
Posted by Koovie (# 4434) on :
 
quote:
"It's like the donated Plasma of Christ rather than His Shed Blood."
- Elizabeth Anne on White Wine at the Eucharist

[ 09. June 2005, 06:58: Message edited by: Koovie ]
 
Posted by Mad Geo (# 2939) on :
 
Best Description of Ship Life award goes to:

quote:
Originally posted by Barnabas62:
My silly answer is that, at this stage of my life, I am an increasingly round couch potato who gets his jollies by considering deep and daft questions on this Board. I really must get out more.

Shouldn't we all!
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From the Coot:

(see signature below)

Just [Killing me] .
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
LC - Its brilliant isn't it! I'm so glad you made it your signature. I'm trying to work out how to get it into a sermon I'm preparing ...
 
Posted by Sinisterial (# 5834) on :
 
In the silly things I just found out thread in heaven babybear wrote:
quote:

We were reclined against our pillows during those events. However, Gremlin would like me to inform you that he did experience difficulties in performing as well as he might like. He recommends a more upright position.


 
Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
Just having a rustle through my potential .sig file for quotes since the last time I posted:

~Miscellaneous quotes, some funny, some deep~

"A circle is just a load of very short straight lines that did some bad stuff together."
Julian the Apostate


"It is a mystery, but that doesn't mean we can't try to think about it, if only to end up falling down in worship anew."
Divine Outlaw-Dwarf, on the Trinity.


"We can't stop the Second Coming, it is the consummate Good Thing, and after the "tribulations", the Kingdom will be realized."
Shareman


"Damn right babe. The old bag lady can load up her trolley, especially as she's off it, with whatever junk she likes. Poor dear. Jesus will clean her up to marry her."
Martin PC Not on The Church.


"Is this a less-than-usually-convincing Turing Test?"
Hedonism_Bot on newbie, peepingtom


"how love is lived out varies tremendously from one person to the next"
Ruth


"If Fr Sarducci's numbers are right, we should restrict ourselves to masturbating no more than 41 times a day (if otherwise sinless). It's a bit Spartan, but I think I can live with that..."
IngoB
 
Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by kiwigoldfish:
Hallelujah! I've made it™!

Oh, kiwi! I've had one for you that I somehow missed using (possibly waiting for a thematic collection) which I think predates that.


"Well I would provide the evidence Mousethief. Except that I have 2 women, 4 men, 1 sheep and 3 dogs to hump before lunch so can't afford the time."
kiwigoldfish, when asked to provide evidence that liberals' are/are not sexually obsessed.
 
Posted by Elizabeth Anne (# 3555) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Koovie:
quote:
"It's like the donated Plasma of Christ rather than His Shed Blood."
- Elizabeth Anne on White Wine at the Eucharist
I don't believe it! No one has ever quoted me before.

Edit: Sorry that thread has since been deleted, so the link is broken.

[ 31. July 2005, 16:30: Message edited by: Gremlin ]
 
Posted by Eliab (# 9153) on :
 
I've just noticed this thread. My favourite quote from a while ago - Mousethief on Calvinism:

quote:
every point a bona fide heresy
I've no idea if the oxymoron was intentional or not, but I love it and have resolved to use it whenever opportunity arises.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
In the middle of one of those gross-out threads in Hell, Gloriagloriagloria said this:
quote:
Oh, ick. I think I just threw up into my mouth.

 
Posted by Sophie Bell (# 8822) on :
 
Because it made me giggle.

On a "calling the new guy to hell" post, Spiffy da WonderSheep had this to say about the ubiquitousness of trolls.

quote:
We seem to have a constant-volume system here with respect to trolls. One leaves, and new one appears.
Spiffy :
quote:
Nature does abhor a vacuum.

So does my cat, now that I think about it...


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Heh. I was gonna post that, too, but didn't want to double post.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Posted by Chukhovsky:

I vastly prefer to think the worst of people. It's so much more satisfying.

Very sigworthy - aren't I generous passing it on for someone else to use [Cool]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
From the tag of a tea-bag (keep your anti-tea-bag comments to yourself,please:)

quote:
Books have the same ememies as people; fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content.


--Paul Valery.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh, and IMHO Laura currently has the best sig going:

quote:
Why do we always come here?/I guess we'll never know.
It's like a kind of torture/to have to watch the show.

Statler & Waldorf of The Muppet Show


 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
I'm sorry I did not find this thread earlier (I only visit the Circus now and then.) I believe I just may begin my own file of excellent quotes.

Though there are various Ship mates whose contributions are very enlightening, when it comes to my falling over laughing (as well as thinking!) I would say that ken's posts are tops, with Fr Gregory and Callan coming in soon afterward.

One quote that I love was from FCB. I cannot recall the exact topic we were discussing in Purgatory, but do remember that a number of posts had bewailed the lack of charity, kindness, and so forth that people are shown in the Church. It would not have been as funny had it not come from a theologian: "The Church sucks. The Church always has sucked. And the Church always will suck."
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Never discuss food in Hell.


From RooK:
quote:
Dang. Now I'm hungry.

Mmmm... babies.


 
Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
originally posted by Kelly Alves:
God loves to fuck with people's egos.


 
Posted by Gildas ap Caius (# 10470) on :
 
That's sad. That's really sad. Whatever happened to "But soft, my fair Ophelia! Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery; go!"

(Tell me you've read Huck Finn at least once in your life...)
 
Posted by Gildas ap Caius (# 10470) on :
 
Dang it! Wrong thread! Don't you hate it when that happens?
 
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 
I can't believe this hasn't been posted before:

quote:
A small member is God's way of telling you that you are one of His lambs, not one of His rams.
LATA to Ian Climacus in 'Ask Aunty Altar.'
 
Posted by Joyfulsoul (# 4652) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mdijon:
Welcome to the underwhelming.

On the DH thread, Biblical Inerrancy

[ 07. November 2005, 06:28: Message edited by: Joyfulsoul ]
 
Posted by Joyfulsoul (# 4652) on :
 
Here's another:

quote:
Originally posted by scoticanus:
Blessed are the respectable, because theirs is the fun of kicking all the rest.

[eta: flippin' code]

[ 07. November 2005, 21:13: Message edited by: Joyfulsoul ]
 
Posted by Gildas ap Caius (# 10470) on :
 
quote:
(At times) This baby lists to port so far you could fish with a dip net.
Romanlion, speaking of SoF (the boards, at least) in Purgatory's "Call in the Allies?" thread; to an American who, thinking himself liberal, found himself further right than many of his shipmates.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
"A person is not fully formed when they come new born..... The entirety of their life makes the whole person."

Spotted on another thread, but I foolishly didn't save who wrote it. First person to find it and post here gets some free choccy.
 
Posted by Pure as the Driven Yellow Snow (# 9397) on :
 
Jengie Jon on What is the Reformed 'franchise'? in Purgatory -last one on the bottom of this page if the link works.

If you are serious about the choccie, I'm happy to send something horribly Australian in return.
Vegemite, kangaroo scrotum, you know that sort of thing.

[I put a bit of your remembered phrase into the search engine BTW and guessed it would be in Purg]


[typo]

[ 11. November 2005, 03:54: Message edited by: Pure as the Driven Yellow Snow ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
"Do waht I telepathically tell you to do, not what I say."

--Director, over headset on TV production I was working on today.
 
Posted by aj (# 1383) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
"Do waht I telepathically tell you to do, not what I say."

--Director, over headset on TV production I was working on today.

Ah...comms chatter - a potential source of great entertainment for those who work in the broadcast industry!

A director I often work with likes to say
"mention my name and you'll get a good seat"
when someone in the crew has to excuse themselves, perhaps with the remark "I'm just going to put a deposit on some porcelain".
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh the fun we had today, riffing on on the General Manager, who kept the staff, the talent, and the volunteers waiting a half hour after we were supposed to wrap, just because he decided five minutes before the end of the show that he wanted to be a camera-whore.

Quote of the day, by moi:

"God,that guy is slick. I don't know if I can contain myself, I might just leap right over the camera and have him."

The boys in the control room loved that.
 
Posted by Pânts (# 999) on :
 
I just posted here... where did it go?? [Confused]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
That would make a good quote in itself, Pants! [Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I just thought this was funny.

From Corpus cani, after getting fact-checked:
quote:
You checked?

You CHECKED?

Well! I proffer my words of wisdom and you "check" them? I'm mortified.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This just in:Spiffy's sig

quote:
In a very Christian way, as far as I’m concerned, he can go to hell.
President Jimmy Carter on Rev. Jerry Falwell.

Carter said that? He really said that?

Another person I hope is lurking.
 
Posted by aj (# 1383) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
This just in:Spiffy's sig

quote:
In a very Christian way, as far as I’m concerned, he can go to hell.
President Jimmy Carter on Rev. Jerry Falwell.

Carter said that? He really said that?

Apparently.
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Life is to short to argue with the people whose funerals we will eventally have to attend.

Jeremiah Gutzywuk in Hell
 
Posted by Joyfulsoul (# 4652) on :
 
"All I can conclude from that is that Jesus was obviously a woman, given that she was a conspicious failure as a carpenter and spent a lot of time befriending the lonely and the disheartened."


Demas, on the thread Bradford Abundant Life Church

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
This from RooK on the "Calling Dave Marshall" Hell thread deserves to be turned into a church banner

quote:
Nonsense. My favourite people are mean-spirited and reasonable - me, for instance.

 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
And, for RooK-watchers everywhere, here is another little GEM.

The phrase "venom-momentum" should be patented.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Three in a row, I know, but this quote from Gort on the TICTH thread deserves a more permanent record.

quote:
Hey, when you're generally inept, it's tough to pick up on subtle cues. I should know.

 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by CrookedCucumber:
I guess doing Christianity on your own is a bit like doing karate on your own -- you can go through the motions, but it's no fun if there's no-one to beat up [Smile]

Nice [Cool]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Accept your family as they are, not as you would like them to be. Then ignore them.


 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
Because it's too long to be my next signature:

quote:
The majority of the natives of this Tartarian region are in full keeping with the scenery—savages, without the grace of savages, coarsely clad in filthy garments, with no change on week-days and Sundays, they converse in a language belarded with fearful and disgusting oaths, which can scarcely be recognized as the same as that of civilized England.
Samuel Sidney describes the West Midlands, 1851
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by quantpole:
I doubt very much that up until 100 years ago the church was the epitome of inclusivity.

From the "girlie" thread in Purgatory, a masterly understatement.
 
Posted by quantpole (# 8401) on :
 
And thankyou for correcting my spelling before quoting me.

(Epitome not epitomy. Not being a student any more means I've been missing Countdown too much)
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
From Birdseye:

"God is not an answer.
God is a question."

 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Originally posted by Tubifex Maximus in a current, and deeply "sad", Styx thread:

I used to know a Methodist Minister who actually had deliverance ministry to drive out his sense of humour

Thanks TM! Sometimes I reckon a certain amount of "driving in" a sense of humour is a good thing to have ministry for.
 
Posted by Tubifex Maximus (# 4874) on :
 
I'd like to thank Barnabas62 for his nomination; I have occasional moments of lucidity. I now need deliverance ministry for my vanity...
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
In the recipe thread:

Mamacita: But what's a "knob of butter?"
ken: Less than you want but more than you ought to.

Which is pratically unarguable.
 
Posted by fnk (# 10377) on :
 
There was a quote I read somewhere on the ship that I can't find any more. Can anyone enlighten me?

I think it was someone's sig and it went something along the lines of: " Touch the wounds in my hand, stick your hand into my side, if someone said that to you at a party you would slowly back away"
 
Posted by Hazey Jane (# 8754) on :
 
I think it may have been The Coot, but I'm probably wrong.
 
Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
Ooer. Gang shuo Caocao, Caocao jiu dao! Speak of the devil and he appears.

Yes, lol, something like that, Lambchopped had it as her .sig.
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
-True moral deliberation is a lot more complicated than lists of platitudinous prohibitions. -Lutheranchik (on Are sins redundant? - Purg thread)

[I felt like I was reading myself there for a split second...cool jive-type-groovy-rhyme with smooth delievery yet pithy sharp bite..you go girl] [Overused]

[ 20. January 2006, 21:19: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
From Sine on the Insults thread in Hell:
quote:
The best insults aren't 'fucktard' or 'wanker' but merely the truth another prefers not to acknowledge.


 
Posted by Always Waiting (# 10141) on :
 
I saw this as a sig when I was lurking. I sniggered for a couple of weeks, then joined the Ship:

"You people wouldn't know a saint if he pissed in your cheerios."
- Gort -

...and yep, after testing, that still makes me snigger.
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
[Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Timothy the Obscure in Purg:
quote:
Maybe we should just stop trying to eff the ineffable.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I liked that one, too. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Hazey Jane (# 8754) on :
 
From this thread...

Sayeth Pottage:
quote:
It's absolutely true that wherever two or three of Wesley's people are gathered together, one of them will have brought a quiche.
Made me chuckle anyway.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I could fill this thread just by following Spiffy the Wondersheep around for a day or so
quote:
Grand social narrative is why God created blogs. And my potatoes are burning!


[ 11. February 2006, 19:16: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Exhibit B:

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep:
quote:
Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Two gems today:
quote:
Originally posted by The Bede's American Successor:
Of course, God does buy us flowers and a bottle of wine time and time again to convince us of Love's existence.

and

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep:
The position of Savior of the World is already taken (but they're keeping my resume on file for any other positions that might come up)


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
All of us Christians are a sham now and then - but seeing where we've fallen short of commitment can lead us to greater dependence on divine grace. - Newman's Own

from the Gene Robinson In Alcohol Rehab thread.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Originally posted by OliviaG:
Sorry, I didn't realize this was a bad thing to do.

It's not a bad thing at all. I'm just an asshole.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
RooK, you're on a roll lately.

(from above, after random cheap shot):

... Also, they tend to be human, and that's generally not the best way to get on my good side.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
.and another...

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
There's always rules, whether you're shooting fish in a barrel or dropping grenades in a lake.

Gee, everybody's so witty lately.
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
down from Heaven comes:

quote:
originally posted by Corpus Cani:
Personally, I'm finding it difficult to believe that God will provide a personal vibrating massage wand with solar powered batteries.

Even for Mousethief.

[Killing me]

(eta: I'm a nitwit who can't do UBB. mea culpa)

[ 20. February 2006, 06:11: Message edited by: cometchaser ]
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
my God we're a brilliant bunch of funny people on this ship!

quote:
originally posted by KenWritez:
I inspire raging hormones like Genghis Khan riding little red blood cells across the steppes of your hippocampus.

[Overused]

this is what writers do with ego trips. I love it!

Comet
 
Posted by Joyfulsoul (# 4652) on :
 
This was absolutely hilarious (from purg):

quote:
from the estimable wit of IngoB:
cease and desist, or Satan will bite you in the butt. I swear.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Another Spiffleism:

quote:
Well, I'll be there (Baruch HaShem and the crick don't rise).

 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
quote:
... And stop signing all your email "Love" -- it's creepy and it makes me hate you. ~RuthW

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Kenwrotez*:

quote:
BTW, I do a pulled pork BBQ so good it'll make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window.


*Thank you, Mad Geo
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Kelly Alves wrote:
quote:
My guardian angels must hate their jobs sometimes.

 
Posted by Joyfulsoul (# 4652) on :
 
Tomb in hell:
quote:
Oh, I know all right. It's when you eschew the participal for the rhetorical flick-of-the knife that is the gerund that you feel, deep down, that you have arrived, grammatically.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
AdamPater, in a very silly moment:
quote:
There's a cloud outside. I hate that.

At least there's always a rainbow within.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Shareman, on a Hell thread:
quote:
[He] made the Baby Jesus cry, and it woke me up, so I was pissed off.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Nobody does it like RooK:

quote:
You lot have all the self control of a lonely dog with peanut butter on its penis.

 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
Pyx_e: "The cross will bite them all on the ass at some point."

If ever I move to England, I want him as pastor.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
People with interregnums (cough, cough) please note - if you invite Pyx_e to be your new vicar you might end up being saddled with Kenwritez as well..... [Biased]
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
(Luckily, I'm the same IRL as I am on the board.)For those clergy trying to increase membership, I can walk into the church and instantly double the size of the congregation.
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Reading this thread made me sorry that I never maintained a quotes file of my own - I've often laughed aloud at many Ship discussions.

This quote is "ancient" but so hilarious that I've never forgotten. It was on a thread in Mystery Worship about vestments, where someone asked the use for a maniple.

Joan the Dwarf replied that it was "to flick the crumbs away while saying, 'if Jesus can get in, then he can get out.'"

I also well recall dyfrig's telling a heated Ship mate "I think Erin is an insane bitch, but I shall happily watch while she eats you."
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh, an Erinism from years past, aimed at Intellect By Proxy, if I remember correctly:

"I can't do it. I can't flame a guy who publically admits he's got a tiny talliwhacker."
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by vascopyjama:
Well that's me in a nutshell. (I wonder if Julian of Norwich ever said that??)


 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
From Triple Tiara ('valid form of bigotry' thread in Hell)"

quote:
Quod scripsi scripsi , or, since i am a fuckwit, quod fuxi fuxi

 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
IngoB on a current Hell thread:

Andreas, my link wasn't about giving you an opportunity to strut your philosophical and intellectual credentials. It was about demonstrating to you the sort of suffering you inflict on others. If you enjoyed that text, it has mainfestly failed its purpose.
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
From RooK, apon closing the TICTH thread. ( [Waterworks] )

Thread closed. Please don't start another one of these for a little while, lest I feel compelled to hunt you down and force feed you live porcupines through your eyeballs

kinda makes you think twice before arguing.
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Firenze, replying to a post (Teenage Embarrassment, Heaven) about Duck's mother placing a condom on a bicycle pump:


quote:
How can I break it to you? This doesn't stop babies.

Unless, of course, it is some sort of primitive marital aid. When I were a lad, we didn't have no Ann Summers shops doing they crotchless panties and vibrating thingies. We 'ad to make do with a pound of tripe and a bicycle pump.

[Killing me]

I must say, reading through this thread (and so wishing I'd kept a file!), of those immortalised here the absolute best has to be Duo Seraphim's retort about how Martin's posts shall be revealed as a code regarding a secret of Fatima. But I also shall remember 'quod fuxi, fuxi' till my dying day.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
I look forward to the publication of your book of quotable quotes, with suitable attribution of course! [Two face]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ok, not a ship quote, but excellent sig potential:

quote:
I'm going to Hell because I'm a fuck up.
--some guy Kelly interns with, after he fucked up.
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Not a ship quote but from the sermon today.

"When you're up to your tucus in cobras, you don't really have time to indulge in hermeneutical reflection."
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Though I prefer to stay with Ship quotes, since the last two were not, I'll feel free to insert a 'non Ship' one (though it might not have the full impact for the young members as it would for those of my generation.)

This from a friend from Kerry (and uttered completely seriously) :

quote:
It's not easy being Irish, Elizabeth. I'm afraid I'm going to go to hell, and I don't even believe in God.

 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
A year or so ago, one Ship mate (troll) was rambling a good deal, justifying everything on the basis of that he'd been a Roman priest, worked in the Vatican's congregation for the doctrine of the faith, then left to pursue this, this, and this...

I'm not positive, but I think it was Ian who made this response that made me fall off my chair. When said troll rambled, a bit incoherently, about a doctrine he'd misunderstood (or words to that effect), Ian responded: "It is a shame you did not ask Cardinal Ratzinger about that when you were still working at the Vatican."
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
From Spiffy, on "how do you pray?"

quote:
"Fer crying out loud! Jesus, I can tell you're an only child, you're always bothering me until you get your own way!"


 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
From RuthW down in Hell:

quote:
US politics is a vile, nasty contest between two groups of wealthy, over-privileged people about whether the rest of us will be ground to a pulp beneath a jackboot or a hiking boot.

 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
From Janine in All Saints:

quote:
English is like Jazz. You don't have to know all the details of the Correct Classical Way to improvise a really good riff.

 
Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
From AdamPater:

quote:
Did Jesus say anything about handling willies anywhere though? Apart from loving your neighbour as you love yourself, of course.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Whether or not the target deserved this, what a great line from Josephine:

quote:
But parking a bicycle in on the floor a Ferari dealership would hardly make the bicycle a Ferari, now would it?

Didn't think so.


 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
I do think we should imortalise

quote:
DORK in a rose unitard
from Merteger's interpretative dance in hell. The whole post is a classic - but this is also the perfect insult.
 
Posted by LynnMagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From Kelly Alves in the Circus:
quote:
In Jesus's eyes we are all Gina Lolabrigida.
Italian beauties. Every durn one of us.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I'll probably spend a substantial amount of time in Purgatory for finding this funny, but here you go, from Zappa:
quote:
Boy, does the baby Jesus Cry. And his daddy-o. And Spook.


 
Posted by Linguo (# 7220) on :
 
From Karl: Liberal Backslider, in the 'Too busy to church?' Purg thread:

quote:
Of course, some broken people prefer not to shout "I'm broken" in front of other people they don't know well, who may appear to resemble rather closely the people who broke them in the first place.

 
Posted by Hennah (# 9541) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I'll probably spend a substantial amount of time in Purgatory for finding this funny, but here you go, from Zappa:
quote:
Boy, does the baby Jesus Cry. And his daddy-o. And Spook.


Right there with you, Kelly...
 
Posted by sparkly_h (# 7997) on :
 
Doc Tor wrote in hell:

quote:
Do you actually read for comprehension or does the little god in your head just make up the answers for you?


 
Posted by Catrine (# 9811) on :
 
I like this one from AF Steve (Heaven; whoever thought of that?)

Mushrooms. "Hey ma, there's some strange things growing on this turd over here. What should I do?" "Why Jr, Just pluck them and I'll add them to my beef roast!"
 
Posted by 103 (One-O-Three) (# 5846) on :
 
The sacred feminine (Moo)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Big Grin] That would be Famous Last Posts, darlin'.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This is as nice a synopsis of the human condition as I'v eseen in a long time-- from Lyda Rose--
quote:
I think various things happen to people who were scapegoats or scapegoaters in childhood. Some get the "I'm a goat" sign stuck on their back, and unhappily figure that that's life, while some scapegoaters figure putting people down in a great life strategy and live boring, rotten little lives. Others grow up to stick a sign on the front of their shirts that says, "I'm a goat. Fuck you boring sheep." Some of the scapegoaters grow up to think, "Hell. I can't believe I wasted my time on the sheep." I tend to look for people of these two positions now that I've socialized myself out of being goat or scapegoater. And as many of us have, I've been both to a certain degree.


 
Posted by Niënna (# 4652) on :
 
Oooh! I was just about post the same one.

Brilliant, Lyda*Rose!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The two most frustrating things about Pyx_e is (1.) he's married and (2.) he's not my pastor.

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:(in reference to the implications of a Chocolate Crucifix)
If it were made out of Fruit & Nut chocolate it would be a perfect representation of the Body of Christ.

P


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Kelly is so right about RooK. As his "gift" to Max/103 for his reception, this from the Hell file is worth preserving.

quote:
Oh please. Max./103/Henrietta so squats when she pees.

 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
From Daisymae on the Da Vinci Code board, in the Mary Magdalene thread.
quote:
Right through history, there are many women who have been real human beings.
Heh.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
And how about this rueful bit of self-awareness from SteveTom, on the Kerygmania thread on the New Testament, when he got support for a self-proclaimed "health-warning-necessary" minority view.

quote:
Even when I'm warning people that I'm talking rubbish, I'm talking rubbish.

 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
A good day for memorable quotes - here's a beauty from Leetle Masha, in honour of her much beloved and respected spiritual director. At the end of a post on the Catholic Liturgiolatry thread


quote:
Leetle M.
Whose spiritual father of eternal memory said once, "We don't need no steenkin' High Church...we are all High Church and when we get to heaven, we shall be Higher Still."


 
Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
From one of the Ship Goddesses:

quote:
Presleyterian:
Getting a bauble is nice. Knowing one can get get oneself whatever baubles one wants is much, much nicer.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
I swear to God, one of these days there's going to be a "365 Days of Spiffy" calendar, because the girl posts so many brilliant quotable quotes. Today's beauty is:

quote:
Hippie, for those who have never encountered the scent, smells like sandalwood and ass.
--Mamacita, from the hippie era, but smelling nicer.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Back again. This one from Presleyterian, in Hell:

quote:
Because if someone professes to believe in the incarnation, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, you pretty much ought to accept them as brothers and sisters in Christ and leave the actual act of discerning and judging their faith to God.
Damn, that's good.
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
On the Heaven thread about books, there were two delicious comments related to James Joyce's Ulysses.

In response to Angelica's question of "is there any point to Ulysses at all?," I loved Dubitante's

Any point to 'Ulysses'? Of course, it's to show off about when you're an English undergraduate. "You know, I so get that book..."

Better still, when Karl mentioned "Ulysses, which is like reading a Swahili phone book for all the sense I can make of it," I laughed aloud at Steve R's "That's quite unfair to the Swahili phone book."

I agree with Kelly that Pyx_e's comment about fruit and nuts was a gem!
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
The thread in Heaven about books is just too delightful... And this exchange is certainly worthy of preservation for posterity.

Rainbow Kate:
D.H. Lawrence and James Joyce both seem so utterly wrapped up in their own sexually repressed narcissism that I wanted to vomit. They'd both have been better off getting laid more often and writing a damn sight less.

Comet Chaser's response:
Wouldn't we all?
 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
From the Heaven thread on Marriage and Babies,
posted by Always Waiting:


Ah, the shelf. It has hovered in front of me for some years now. Not so much immediately threatening as looming in the not-so-distant future, like a very large mountain at the end of a long, flat road. I can see it coming. It seems to be aiming for me.

My only consolation is that, by the sounds of it, there are several of us up there, so we can have a few drinks and a good time, and end up throwing things off the shelf onto the heads of the couples on the dance floor below us.
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
On the Doctor Who thread in Heaven, from Callan:

-----------------

Honestly, he's supposed to be an enigmatic wanderer in space and time who fights evil, not a taxi service for amoral narcissists.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From the demons thread, by Jerry Boam, regarding people who misclassify epilepsy as demon possession:

quote:
In terms that such persons might understand: you are afflicted by a spirit of stupidity and a spirit of cruelty. Go look in the mirror and rebuke what you see.


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
From craigb's call to hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Callan:
The Prayer Book. Keeping Nyarlathotep at bay since 1662.


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by tomb:
Yeah, I used to send PMs to SoF assholes threatening to ban them and signed the messages, "In Christ's Love."

I once had a charismatic curate write me a "letter of rebuke" (as he termed it) that ended with the valediction "under the Blood."

Meditation on that phrase raised New Possibilities of Creative Expression for me. If I ever show up on CNN because of an axe murder, it will be because of the clergy.

I read this at work and ending up slapping myself, it was so funny. I then thought of some clergyperson calling somebody a compost heap and signing "washed in the blood" and other such nonsense...then I peed myself and cried.

Darn you tomb. Darn you to heck.

[eta: swear words omitting because of personl hang up]

[ 28. April 2006, 00:45: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
From da Spiff (waxing philosophic in Hell):
quote:
Just 'cause you don't got a set of balls to sit on don't mean that the rest of us are passive-aggressive wusses whose spines, in a medical engineering feat, have been replaced with boiled spaghetti noodles, and whose brains have been replaced with a voice recorder that spouts useless platitudes and misogynistic opinions whenever your knee jerks.
[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]
 
Posted by Papa Smurf (# 1654) on :
 
Corpus Cani, in that thread about finding the love of your life:
quote:
It's better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all, but it's a damned sight worse to have loved and lost and know that it's your own dumb-ass fault that you've thrown away a most precious gift.
[Frown]
 
Posted by Niënna (# 4652) on :
 
This was a lovely gem from Barnabus:
quote:
I'm well up for God speaking through people outside the church. The biblical limit appears to be Balaam's ass. That should give all of us pause for thought.



[ 30. April 2006, 07:38: Message edited by: Niënna ]
 
Posted by Hazey*Jane (# 8754) on :
 
Spiffy's at it again:
quote:
You know, I finally figured it out!

A summary of this thread:

Craigb: yo' momma!
J: You're a dick.
Craigb: I didn't mean yo' momma, I meant yo'momma.
Everyone: That's the same thing!
Craigb: It is not! God told me so! And he said yo'momma!
Everyone: You're a idiot.
Craigb: But God Said!
Everyone: What to the power of ever.

That last line was class [Smile]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Yeah, I think I might find myself throwing "what to the power of ever" into my regular conversations from now on. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Louise, commenting on craigb's ministry:
quote:

it's like finding a coelacanth in the garden pond


 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
From A Feminine Force in Purg:

quote:
Are people selfish to have kids if they know they stand a 50% chance of becoming a statistic?
This just cracks me up!

Comet

(edited to clarify: what's funny is the "50% chance of becoming a statistic" part, not the very serious discussion it was a part of)

[ 10. May 2006, 03:27: Message edited by: cometchaser ]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
"my farts are more coherent than your ramblings."
(Spiffy da Wonder Sheep)

What a wonderful oneupmanship sig. that would make.
 
Posted by Papio (# 4201) on :
 
"I can assure that True Christians will sing anything so long as it hasn't got a good beat and you can't dance to it."

from Trudy Trudy (I say unto you)
 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
Thanks Papio! My second time in the Quotes File ... I still get excited!
 
Posted by Corpus cani (# 1663) on :
 
Pasco, on dealing with laundry stains...

Back at home, we seem to have a third time lucky mentality. "One day I'll beat ya, sonova bleach."

Cc
 
Posted by Corpus cani (# 1663) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Papa Smurf:
Corpus Cani, in that thread about finding the love of your life:
quote:
It's better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all, but it's a damned sight worse to have loved and lost and know that it's your own dumb-ass fault that you've thrown away a most precious gift.
[Frown]
Ooh! Just noticed this!

Thanks Pop. I'm in the Quotes File! [Big Grin]

The quote is tragically true to this day, but I live in hope that she might return from whichever end of the earth she sought to escape me. She married a sheep farmer.

Corpus.
(I blame Spiffy. For everything. Ever.)
 
Posted by Hazey*Jane (# 8754) on :
 
Karl LB on the advantages of life in the UK
quote:
One of the things I love about this country is that neither the wildlife nor the weather tends towards the homicidal.

 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Corpus cani:

(I blame Spiffy. For everything. Ever.)

I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything!
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
Apprentice 'in the garden', from her 'proud to be a canadian" thread in Purg:

quote:
last time I tried to hear Jerry Falwell speak, I could swear I felt Christ's fingers in my ears and heard him going "lalalalalalalalala"
[Big Grin] she's fun!

Comet
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
WIthno disresect to Neil, I just thought this was a really funny post:

(From Karl: Liberal Backslider
quote:
Neil, for goodness sake. I've got AS and I could see that that post wasn't literal, except of course that it was. [Smile]

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Another Spiffleism:
quote:
Sorry, Marton, the position of ADD Poster Child has already been --- OOH! SHINY!

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
She thinks she's so damn smart.

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
Honey, I'm a free-agent bitch, thank you very much.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
And just to break things up:

"... all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another."



John Donne,

"Devotions upon Emergent Occasions" (1623),

XVII: Nunc Lento Sonitu Dic*nt,Morieris.
 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
I dunno, Kelly, I don't think that last one was quite as snappy as the others you quoted.
 
Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
This just struck me as funny:
quote:
There are those who would agree with you. Most of them are getting help in psychiatric hospitals.
(Schroedinger's Cat on the "Superfool" thread in Hell.)
 
Posted by samara (# 9932) on :
 
mr cheesy on the "Iran to mandate" thread:
quote:

In the name of all that is holy, I disown you and all your pathetic opinions.

Yup, that sums up my feeling for a lot of posts.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Spiffy rocks - and is on a fantastic roll! Here she is on being encouraged to participate in cat food (dont ask).

quote:
Fifteen pounds of fur and claws would take their exception to my presumption out on the more tender bits of my anatomy.

 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
She thinks she's so damn smart.

It's this thread, it inflates my ego. [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by kentishmaid (# 4767) on :
 
I know this is ludicrously vain, but I'm inordinately proud of this one. When I was sending those first, tentative, flirtatious emails to my now husband, I excused myself by explaining that I was 'merely a Freudian slip of a girl'.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Check the fist page or so of the thread, kentishmaid, I quoted myself about four or five times. Becuse the people around here just don't appreciate Real Brillince.

Speaking of which-- this gem by Kenwritez needs to be worked into the Ship mission statement somewhere...

quote:
Most times I'm full up to here (gestures) with all the round-robin bullshit bickering I see on the Ship. The same arguments. The same invincible ignorance. More of the same assholes, just with different names. Like trying to corral a roomful of methamphetamine addicts with rage control issues. How Erin and the admins have survived this long without climbing a tower and shooting people is a miracle, a testimony to God's grace, strict gun laws, and the power of self-medication.


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
quote:

Go forth... multiply, you sad little creatures.

AdamPater
Heavenly Host
quote:

(Giving his reluctant blessing to the dating thread.)

[ 25. May 2006, 04:21: Message edited by: infinite_monkey ]
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
I used 'What to the power of ever' to Hugal last night and he likes it. I did, of course, remember to attribute it to the Spiffmeister. [Overused]

(I was watching Queer Eye at the time, and just thought it was a very Carsonesque phrase.)
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
I really like IngoB's current tag line:
quote:
Before you explain your new theological idea, let me tell you three things about it: One. It was already propounded by a fifth-century Syrian monk. Two. He expressed himself better than you will. Three. He was wrong. - Jaroslav Pelikan

 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
I love IngoB's sig too!
 
Posted by PeteCanada (# 10422) on :
 
Rainbow Kate just posted this one!


quote:
I appreciate that you gave birth to me; any reason you didn't give me up for adoption?

 
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
From Callan on a now-deleted Styx Thread:

quote:
...is there some archive of queeny melodrama to which your post could be consigned in perpetuity? Comparing a tiff on an internet discussion board to our Lord's Passion is just a teensy bit OTT, don't you think?

 
Posted by noneen (# 11023) on :
 
i love this one by RoK in a hell thread, and haven't seen it quoted already:
quote:
Hark! The mating cry of the windbag.

 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
I rather liked this from Erin's statement on the Styx 'purpose of hell denied' thread:

quote:

the Ship's Offenderati

Kind of like a low rent illuminati throwing a hissy fit I imagine ...
 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
From Vikki Pollard on the Dating thread ... I particularly liked this image for the analogy at the end:

My Grandma once came home from shopping to see the hens staggering round sideways, clucking and falling over (sort of like the Toronto Blessing but with chickens).
 
Posted by Josephine (# 3899) on :
 
When Twilight said this (on the Heaven thread about why people post in Hell):

quote:
Hell simply gives some of us a place to go.
it just hit my funny bone.
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Dang! Josephine [Chief Bully and Queen of Hell] beat me to it.

[ 28. May 2006, 00:15: Message edited by: Campbellite ]
 
Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Gwai, in a thread about "Taking the Lord's Name in Vain":

quote:
Honestly what bugs me most is if I stub my toe and say "shit!" and then get told not to use my Lord's name in vain. Now of all things I am sure of, shit is not the name of my God.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This from Gordon Cheung-- just thought it ahs a certain flair:
quote:
...and not just Roman Catholicism, of course, but any variant of Orthodoxy, Protestantism or Whatsatubthumpianism that teaches such a view.

 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
Another Gordon Cheng, although it doesn't really work if you don't see the excerpt of Callan's post that he's replying to:

Call the paramedics over, Lennie. We're going to need about five commas here, right now.
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Erin
For I am the kindest, most generous power-that-be ever.

I dursnt make further comment ...
 
Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
From Posy, on Superfool's "Bush is Gay" thread in Purg, commenting on the rights and wrongs of gay politicians legislating against gay marriage: (OK, the introduction's a bit lengthy, but the quote's well worth it)
quote:
Originally posted by Posy:
Isn't it on a par with a social smoker supporting a smoking ban? Although they enjoy the occasional fag, they are always planning to give up, and think that the ban will help them.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by icklejen (# 713) on :
 
in f1 thread in circus, fnk said "i don't think God wants Kimi to be world champion"


[Killing me] sad, but true. what a summary!
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Oh my! Another Rook-ism for posterity:

quote:
If the popular controversy had been about wearing kittens as earplugs, she would have worked that into something fuckheaded too.


 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
Erin's response is worth saving:
quote:
quote:
Originally posted by SuperFool:
Erin, you win. Your dick IS bigger than mine!

Well, that's what you get for being frugal. I mean, Good Vibrations has the Prince for only $30, spend a little money! You're worth it.
I blew coffee on my computer. The boss will be so upset. ( [Snigger] )

Comet
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Nice to know Erin supports the homegirls at GV, too)

And now, one of Tortuf's finer moments:
quote:
I think I ought to start a private board about getting along with one another. I'll call it the "Everybody Can Kiss My Ass" Board.

 
Posted by Papio (# 4201) on :
 
In his reply to me on the "Are You a Fascist?" poll, MonkeyLizard said:

quote:
OH NO! I was exposed to new ideas and they MADE ME THINK! [brick wall]

[Killing me]
 
Posted by DarkKnight (# 9415) on :
 
This from Callan deserves preservation not because it is funny, but because it is succinct and just plain right:

quote:
This proves, I think, that liberalism can best be defined as anything a conservative disapproves of.


 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
From the irrepressible RuthW in Hell:

quote:
It's so much nicer to be admired for one's faults than one's virtues.

 
Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Cymruambyth:
There are days in the summer when I think that 'Manitoba' is actally the Cree word for "Did you ever see so many mosquitoes in your life?"


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
A Pyx_e gem from the current raging Hell thread.

quote:
We are way past "white flag of surrender" land and are currently galloping through "foaming at the mouth" land with "doing 60mph in to a brick wall" land clearly insight.

I can't watch.


 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Foaming Draught, on a Circus thread about new beatitudes:

quote:
Blessèd are the wankers, for they shall have a lower incidence of prostate cancer.

 
Posted by fnk (# 10377) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by icklejen:
in f1 thread in circus, fnk said "i don't think God wants Kimi to be world champion"

[Killing me] sad, but true. what a summary!

Oh wow! My first quotable quote [Smile] Thanks icklejen.
 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Rosamundi's story:
quote:
Easter Saturday Vigil Mass, in a convent chapel, very quiet, very peaceful, very beautiful. I was sat behind someone who appeared to be auditioning for a new Harry Enfield character, "I'm considerably holier than thou." Chapel veil, scapular the size of a small tablecloth, very ostentatious devotions before Mass.

Just into the first reading, her mobile phone rang, incredibly loudly, with possibly the most inappropriate ringtone ever, not quite "Bring your daughter to the slaughter," but close. And, of course, the wretched thing was buried at the bottom of her bag, so it took forever to find it, and I nearly ruptured something trying not to laugh whilst Reverend Mother glared daggers from the front.


"I'm considerably holier than thou." [Killing me]
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
A fabulous exchange from the Eccles Corpus Christi thread.

quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
quote:
Originally posted by John H:

(Though as a good Lutheran, I should point out that I believe the Lord gives us his body and blood to eat and drink, not to parade around the streets.</end polemic> [Smile] )

He does indeed, but there's nothing wrong with publicising the menu of a place where a good meal can be had.

 
Posted by Jon-with-no-h (# 11506) on :
 
I haven't been here long enough to collect such gems, but my favorite from an emai list I'm on: "If you're going to live in fear, at least learn to spell."
 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
On the Photos of Shipmates thread, from Cosmo and Wannabe Heretic.


Wannabe Heretic: plenty of lovely lasses there who could do with a guy who doesn’t beat around the bush.

Cosmo: Is that another fetish or merely the crie de coeur of hideous experience?

Wannabe Heretic: Oh dear. It did cross my mind 'somebody might choose to think of a filthy interpretation' but then I thought, oh no, these are good clean-minded christian folks.

Cosmo: I'm only glad to provide a service. Serve, serve, serve; it's all I do.

[ 17. June 2006, 09:30: Message edited by: FreeJack ]
 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
[Killing me] Thank you FreeJack (and Cosmo) I would have missed that one.
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Kenwritez posted this gem in Purgatory today, in response to a new Ship mate who had outlined a "Jesus good, Old Testament Bad," etc., approach to Christianity:

quote:

Jesus good
Me cheating on my wife because my inner Jesus wants to bang the waitress, bad. If Mrs KW finds out? Very, VERY bad.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Pure as the Driven Yellow Snow (# 9397) on :
 
The cheesemeister on Chesterton,

quote:
To him, Christianity wasn't a chore and a strain - it was something that illuminated his whole being, bringing laughter and joy and hope. In an age where Christianity is more akin to constipation than laughter, we desperately need more like him.


 
Posted by samara (# 9932) on :
 
From the TICTH thread, this exchange must be preserved:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
quote:
Originally posted by Mousethief:
Do we have some boundary issues?

I do but they're towards the bottom of page two (legal) on my Issues List.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
If Sine decided to join in "Let's [not] offend", he'd kick all our asses up, down, and sideways.
 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
At last a definition of MOTR.

quote:
Originally posted by Saint Bertolin:
I more meant that MOTR places will have crucifers instead of the other servers if there's a shortage, whereas traditionally, the Crucifer is the least necessary for Carthlick ceremonial and in many places, was only carted out on biggies.

quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:
Excellent, thank you Saint Bertolin, I've recently been wondering if my calling St. Z "MOTR" was accurate -- you have confirmed that I'm spot on, and we are so precisely MOTR that the line-painter coming down the middle of the road can judge his accuracy by us.


 
Posted by Nonpropheteer (# 5053) on :
 
quote:
originally posted by Ken:
It is a a heap of absurd philological speculations strung together with completely invalid logical leaps and leavened with schoolboy howlers that would fail an A-level history exam. <snip> You'd be better informed if you examined fetid dingos kidneys.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(avert your eyes if you are faint-hearted)

Max gets slipped a Mickey, and Janine makes her support more "Hellish":
quote:
Yah, yaaaah, ye stupid wad of dried-up snot on a mildewed used tampon suspended between the buttocks of a particularly unclean hyena!

Whatever you thought you were pulling, spiking that juice, you failed!

You didn't harm the young man in the end, so your inept attempt at (*koff*) "humor" blew up, which is about what's expected when the "joke" is put together by someone with the care, skill, brains and foresight of a castrated Chihuahua on Viagra!

And -- you vile oozing gangrenous pustule of a sub-human -- if your goal had been to "have" the young lady, you failed there, as well! Hah! I bet you couldn't get laid if you were the only man stranded on a resort casino island hosting a Hooker's Convention, a Nymphomaniac's Retreat and a Sex Therapy Seminar for Middle-Aged Horny Women


 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Ken has a tendency to have me rolling on the floor screaming, as with this recent exchange in Ecclesiantics.

To the question by Divine Outlaw Dwarf:
"And what on God's earth are 'dudes' and 'chicks'?"

Ken responded:
A blatant example of the tendency of "youth workers" who try to fake the language of teenagers to get it horribly wrong.

Everyone who tries to commit an act of church youth-work should be forced to watch the episode of Father Ted with that caravan and small and far away in it. At least six times.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Callan (# 525) on :
 
This from Presleyterian:

quote:
The bad news is that Janine just quoted a political statement made by a movie star that appeared in a magazine read only in the dentist's office. The good news is that she reminded me of a great mascara tip I read in Isaiah Berlin's column in Cosmo.

 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
From A.F Steve:

quote:
Don't think for a minute that you are going to get under my skin and start a childish word-war with me; opinions this fundamental are not changed because liberal weiners and right-wing nut-jobs have juvenile flamewars over the wire, or wave around giant fly-swatters in parades.

 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
I'm an Anglican. I don't nail my colours to the mast. I pin them to the noticeboard.

Which no-one reads.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
It all depends on how you look at things.

Regarding the humble moose, on the "Emotional Responses" thread:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Existential dread

I look at that towering, ugly head, those blank, yellow eyes and I realise the universe is a sick joke by a mad god, our lives a meaningless scribble across an indifferent chaos.


quote:
Originally posted by Nonpropheteer:


adoration

I look at that towering, noble head, those golden yellow eyes so full of life and raw power, and I realise the universe is a diverse creation by a loving God, and our lives indescribingly enriched by thoughtful narration that is Moose.



[ 09. July 2006, 16:03: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
I shall admit I always look forward to contributions by Divine Outlaw-Dwarf, but this one (related to Catholic and Evangelical camps in the C of E) was particularly spot on:

quote:
I'm well aware of A-Cs who regard Protestants in much the same way Pooh Bear views Heffalumps; they're not actually sure what they are but they know they don't like them.

 
Posted by MSHB (# 9228) on :
 
quote:
Kelly Alves in Emotional Responses:
I just want a moose to really, really like me.



[ 10. July 2006, 03:23: Message edited by: MSHB ]
 
Posted by Crackers & Goat Cheese (# 8783) on :
 
Kelly Alves, after swallowing a fly while pleading that her previous post in "Today I consign to Hell" be included in the Quotes file:

"coughquotesfilecough cough"

[ 16. July 2006, 01:26: Message edited by: Crackers & Goat Cheese ]
 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
quote:
posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
She thinks she's so damn smart.

It's this thread, it inflates my ego. [Hot and Hormonal]
I find the thread a good letter-out of head steam, actually.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Crackers & Goat Cheese:
Kelly Alves, after swallowing a fly while pleading that her previous post in "Today I consign to Hell" be included in the Quotes file:

"coughquotesfilecough cough"

Wiseguy.

This was the brilliant quote that nobody saw fit to immoralize. (Sigh.) In response to Nonpropheteer asking how big my foot is:

quote:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Big enough to kick ass, and small enough to fit up many. Where does the line start?




[ 16. July 2006, 04:41: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
From ther ship-of-fools' classics collection

Tomb sniffs at one of Kenwritez's marinade recipies on "Ewgh", the original cannibal thread to be found in Limbo:
quote:
That is one of the most disgusting recipes for a marinade I have ever read, Ken. Shoot, I wouldn't soak a dead man's dick in something so foul.



 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
O man, I'd forgotten how funny we could be! [Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
A real keeper, from the film The Big Kahuna: Phil Cooper (Danny Devito)insructs an overzealous young Christian on character:

Phil: The question is, do you have any character at all? And if you want my honest opinion, Bob, you do not. For the simple reason that you don't regret anything yet.

Bob: Are you saying I won't have any character unless I do something I regret?

Phil: No, Bob. I'm saying you've already done plenty of things to regret. You just don't know what they are. It's when you discover them. When you see the folly in something you've done. And you wish you had to do over. But you know you can't because it's too late. So you pick that thing up and you carry it with you. To remind you that life goes on. The world will spin without you. You really don't matter in the end. Then will you attain character. Because honesty will reach out from inside and tattoo itself all across your face.
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
TBK should be shown to every high school and college church group. IMNSVHO.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I NSH-ly totally agree.
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
Freak my biscuit.

What movie should be on IFC tonight when I was channel surfing?

TBK

What part of the movie's dialogue should be featured in the last act of the movie?

Kelly's quoted lines.

Freak two of my biscuits.

The movie was even better than I remembered it. DeVito, Spacey and the kid did an incredible job of holding your interest in shot after shot that happened in one hotel room.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Yeah, it had been on earlier that evening in IFC [Big Grin] )
 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
quote:
I think I probably am the most Conservative, Liberal, Catholic Protestant on the planet. I like to think it's because God and I have an understanding about these things. He deals with the nasty, difficult ideas. I deal with the pretty outfits. [Big Grin]
From Corpus cani on the Christian Zionism thread.

[On reflection, the whole sentence is worth it]

[ 21. July 2006, 13:07: Message edited by: Ann ]
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
from Ken in Hell:

quote:
I think Myrrh must have been snorting powdered trollshit
[Killing me]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Sir Kevin, in the Circus, about over-testosteroned cyclist Floyd Landis:
quote:

Say it isn't so! Maybe he was just thinking about girls...


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
From Purg's "Is Flying Sinful?"

quote:
Originally posted by MSHB:
Would make a great saying: "Just think: someone, somewhere in the world, thinks that what you are doing right now is a sin."


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
From the rude Hellhosts thread, a RooK special.

I am low and vulgar, and Marv is enthusiastically rude, but Sarky is truly gifted in the art of being nasty.
 
Posted by Ags (# 204) on :
 
And the inimitable Marvin here

quote:
I got an idea. How 'bout you go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut, and leave us to worry about which threads should and shouldn't stay open. OK?
[Overused]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
On a thread in Heaven, where riverfalls was writing of having seen a unicorn and a flying saucer and having had contact with faeries, Ariel's response had me rolling on the floor:

quote:
Don't talk to me about unicorns and flying saucers. Blasted unicorns keep ruining my garden trampling all over it and eating the herbaceous borders, and last week I had a flying saucer land at midnight in the back of it, three little green men got out, clearly very drunk, left a seriously dodgy crop circle in the grass and woozed off again giggling like anything. I'm sick of it and so are the flower fairies, they're thinking of going on strike if any more of the herbaceous border is eaten.

 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Bubblepack

God hits you in the guts and tickles your fancy, rarely shows interest in your brain.

Sounds like a dodgy lover ...
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
From Mad Geo on the Breasts thread in Hell:

quote:
Too bad you Brits didn't kill off the Puritans when you had the chance. Because the fuckers drive us crazy over here.
A truer thing was never said!

[ 05. August 2006, 01:01: Message edited by: cometchaser ]
 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
Cometchaser on the breast thread:

quote:

you got a problem with your man checking out boobs, go after Cosmo.

Comet

Whoops! eta: Cosmo the magazine, not the shipmate! [Hot and Hormonal]


 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
I particularly enjoyed that being quoted with the smiley written out like that. Good stuff. [Razz]

From churchgeek, in the Ecclesiantics thread about changing churches:

"Is it about integrity? (or its pale imitation, purity?)"
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ok, again not a Ship quote, but such great sig potential thought I should run it past y'all:

quote:
My friend Tanner she says, "You know me and Jesus/We're of the same heart
The only thing that keeps us distant
Is that I keep fuckin' up"

--From the song Shame on You, Indigo Girls
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
From our wonderful multipara, on a Purgatory thread about why Roman Catholics do not swim the Thames (...even though I did so!) [Smile]

quote:
...the barque of St Peter is big enough for all of us from Octopus Dei to Ecclesia Dei to the geetar brigade. One of the risks of uniformity of belief/ritual/dress etc is to turn any church into a sect, and a potentially nasty one at that.

 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by FreeJack:
Cometchaser on the breast thread:

quote:

you got a problem with your man checking out boobs, go after Cosmo.

Comet

Whoops! eta: Cosmo the magazine, not the shipmate! [Hot and Hormonal]


there I go being all hot and hormonal again!
[Roll Eyes] nice to be quoted though!
 
Posted by Eliab (# 9153) on :
 
Much as I disagree with the sentiment, I thought this was inspired:

quote:
mr cheesy on Orthodoxy:
Unfortunately when God was dishing out tact and humility you were away venerating something


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
When I read this, I snorted Coca Cola up my nose.

quote:
Originally posted by Nightlamp:
quote:
Originally posted by riverfalls:

We are a But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people;

Some are just a little more peculiar than others.


[ 08. August 2006, 20:56: Message edited by: Spiffy da WonderSheep ]
 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
If we're allowed the odd off-site quote ...

We're broadening our sights; and by broadening, I mean lowering.
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
This is truly bizarre but sort of amusing watching people argue that black is in fact white and anyone that says different is going to cause complete and total destruction of colours.
Chive on Mudfrog's suicide dive in hell.
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
Laura on the current Republicans in power:
quote:
Their devotion to increasing the power and reach of big governnment makes FDR look like a piker and their current operating strategy of burning money in an open field makes my Republican relatives apoplectic.
[Overused]
While I bailed on the party awhile back, this certainly sums up where the GOP are falling on their face nowadays.
 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
Yeah, we probably are allowed the occasional off-site quote.

"There will never be a winner in the battle of the sexes. There is too much fraterniing with the enemy." -- Henry Kissinger
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Amoyra's parting words at the Montgomery Steet BART station, as he faced long (well, long enough) walk alone to his hostel in downtown San Francisco:

quote:
If I don't post for two or three days, avenge my death.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lord of all Llamas:
If you cultivate compassion, there's not much room for being a serial killer, an absent parent, or a raging fundamentalist.

-LS


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Because somebody was feeling negelcted...

Classic Sig Line from Kenwritez:
quote:
Don't piss me off! I'm on Atkins and I'd kill you just for the protein


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ann:
If we're allowed the odd off-site quote ...


(My personal justification for doing so is that it provides sig material for those who are undecided sig-wise.)

[ 13. August 2006, 20:04: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
From Rewboss in the Parish Magazine thread in Hell:

quote:
The other reason for having a newsletter is that if you allow the Sunday School, the Church Council, the Wednesday Wives and all the other groups to submit their interminable reports to the parish magazine instead of reading them out at church while everyone's Sunday joints slowly transform into charcoal in the oven, the newsletter may be dire, but it will be of invaluable service to the community as a whole.

 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
Thanks, Kel. [Smile]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
There are so many clever, witty lines on the current "Is Bush Churchill?" thread in Purgatory that I'm tempted to quote at least seven - but, for the moment, I'll confine my quote to that of Mousethief:

* One was a great man; the other is a great joke.
* One led his country to victory over a formidable foe; the other is leading his country to ruin for his fundraising friends.
* One was wise; the other is a fool.
* One was a great orator; the other is an embarassment every time he opens his mouth.
* One wrote many very well-crafted books; the other can barely read.
* One had a great vision for his country; the other has a great vision for his supporters.
* One was a wit; the other is a shit.

Sorry, just can't see the comparison.

[Killing me] [Overused]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Couldn't resist - Alan's response to my post on the Bush and Churchill thread had me on the floor.

quote:
Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
quote:
Originally posted by Newman's Own:
I doubt that Dubya has ever heard of the Norman Conquest.

Wasn't that when Stormin' Norman conquered the Iraqi army occupy Kuwait?

 
Posted by samara (# 9932) on :
 
On the Hell thread, Callan points out why "Jesus wasn't uncertain!" doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong to be.*
quote:

Er, Jesus was the Son of God, begotten of the Father before all worlds, light of light, very God of very God, of one substance with the Father, all that jazz. You, on the other hand, are just some guy arguing the toss on a discussion board. It could be argued, therefore, that the analogy is not an exact one.

*'Ware the negatives! But I think that comes out right.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Found it sigworthy,thought I should preserve it here:

From Amazing Grace:
quote:
God is big, God can deal. God often surprises us.


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Mousethief, after a little Marvin butt-kissing:

Like Marvin, Myrrh always types in words made of letters I recognize.


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Yet another RooK special.

I am the very definition of kindness and light hereabouts. If you find anyone kinder or purer than I on this board, I'll kill them with my own bare hands.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
And this corker from Pyx_e, from the same thread.

Mire, I am a happily married man, of course I don't have sex. Your excuse?
 
Posted by Izzybee (# 10931) on :
 
A gem from Alan Cresswell in purgatory:

Now, where are you in the body of Christ? Because at the moment you're looking an awful lot like the arse-hole.

Ten points for making diet coke come out of my nose...
 
Posted by Izzybee (# 10931) on :
 
Oops - a correction - make that "Alan Cresswell posting in Hell".

You'd think I'd remember over the space of thirty seconds what board I was reading...
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
... we don't have to go too far back in history to when castrati were all the rage in church choirs! Did that make their voices a cut above the rest?

[Killing me]
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
I believe this one was from the "No Holidays Please, We're Americans" thread in Purg. I thought it was very insightful.

quote:
A Feminine Force wrote:
I think this is Work Camp America. We can't see the guard towers because they look like banks, can't see the barbed wire because they look like gated communities, and can't see the german shepherds because they look like shiny new SUVs.


 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
From Mousethief:
quote:
Further the Revelation is John of Patmos' acid dream and hardly a good source for historical information about the man Jesus of Nazareth.

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
SteveTom, on the Oscar Romero thread in Purg:
quote:
Mixing politics and religion is like mixing love and sex.
I want to put that on a bumper sticker.
 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
From The Boondocks:

Riley Freeman, upon discovering that his idolized rap star is a fake, isn't particularly thuggish, and in fact might even be gay:

"It's like getting to Heaven and finding God smoking crack!"

...and Robert "Granddad" Freeman, expressing his not-very-positive opinion about the lifestyle of said idolized rapper:

"What the hell is 'Thuggin' Love'... Is that when you make love to your woman, then right before that special moment, you beat her upside the head, snatch her purse, and throw her down the stairs?!"
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
SteveTom:
quote:
Mixing politics and religion is like mixing love and sex.
SteveTom, is there anything you want to share with the rest of the class about your relationships?
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
From The Boondocks:

Riley Freeman, upon discovering that his idolized rap star is a fake, isn't particularly thuggish, and in fact might even be gay:

"It's like getting to Heaven and finding God smoking crack!"

...and Robert "Granddad" Freeman, expressing his not-very-positive opinion about the lifestyle of said idolized rapper:

"What the hell is 'Thuggin' Love'... Is that when you make love to your woman, then right before that special moment, you beat her upside the head, snatch her purse, and throw her down the stairs?!"

[Axe murder]

I love that comic.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Mad Geo on the Ouija thread:

Yes, weird shit happens, but if that weird shit happens than god's weird shit should be stronger.

Now that's good. My present top candidate for the 40th of the C of E 39 articles.
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
Have pinched Steve's as my sig on my church's website forum! Hope he doesn't charge royalties.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
This from the "You know you've grown up when ..." thread in Heaven.

quote:
Originally posted by Flausa:
You realize that it's not all about you. Sadly, some people never grow up.

That's now in my one-liner collection.
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Nicodemia in Purg, on the "Is God Given too much Credit?" thread:

quote:
But then one person's answered prayer may be another persons pile of shit!

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
And the one that followed it by Jack the Lass is pretty good too:

I think it's possible to cultivate a sense of thankfulness without seeing God behind every cornflake.

Isn't it interesting how there are some threads which just invite fabulous quotes?
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
The Coot explains sermon writing better than most seminaries:

Really, it's not that hard to give an edifying sermon. It doesn't have to be longer than 5 or 6 minutes. Tell the flock how they can apply the gospel of the day to their lives, that God loves them and exhort them to be more Christ-like.


 
Posted by Dee. (# 5681) on :
 
I Just love this one...Hope he is ok with me putting in in my sig

Everyone put down your preferred means of overdosing on dopamine, and get the hell off of this thread.

-RooK
 
Posted by TrudyTrudy (I say unto you) (# 5647) on :
 
Zorro in Hell, explaining political theory:

quote:
Under democracy, the stupid people always win.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Figured this deserved a place in Ship Canon:
quote:
quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:


There is so much blatant and demonic bullshit implicit (and often explicit) in Jack Chick's world view that I think any link to his alleged writings should come with a health warning. [Mad]




 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
from Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by The Prophetess:
I had thought that the American taste for conspiracy theories was one rich, goopy soft drink we'd kept to ourselves.


 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Anselm ruminating on why it's a good thing he isn't God:

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Tefulchen climbs on the DILUTE! bandwagon:

quote:

What in the name of Dr. Bronner has your Noah's Ark question got to do with Rudyard Kipling?


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sorry, Teufelchen
[Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
And Kelly puts it all in perspective with this:
quote:
You know, A little rain may fall, we may sail though rough waters, but as long as we can still indulge in gratuitous dick jokes,there is life and hope...


 
Posted by eyeliner (# 4648) on :
 
On the 'WTF is the point of crane flies?' thread in hell...(I apologise for doing this but, you know, it made me giggle...Kelly will sympathise...)

Me: I find it hard to get too riled about a creature whose sole purpose in life is to gad about looking for sex.
Marvin the Martian: But creatures whose sole purpose is to gad about looking for sex, but who get fatally attracted to anything bright and shiny are a plague on our society!
Me: Whoops! Bugger. Sorry...
 
Posted by eyeliner (# 4648) on :
 
ken:

"As it doesn't say in the Book of Whatever, 'say not unto your children stupid things, for they shall believe you'..."
 
Posted by eyeliner (# 4648) on :
 
Bugger, I'm triple-posting.

Janine, on Tortuf's chess thread in Hell:
"If a Savior crucifies Himself alone in a forest, does anyone actually hear the Substitutionary Atonement?"
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
One thing I’m learning is whenever I go into ‘I deserve it’ mode I’m in very dangerous territory. All common sense goes right out the window. Particularly when I combine ‘I deserve it’ with that other popular favorite ‘After all, I’m going to be here a long time. - Sine in latest Eagle Swings thread

(This is a hard truth ... that means I have too many shoes and too many hair products...and too much make up and so on...)
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
I'm a collecter and preserver of RooK "oneline specials" and here, from a recent HellHost ruling is a real and well-aimed "special".

Please climb to some overhead power lines, gnaw through their casing, and die.
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Nope, just thought you should be better informed about the doings in your own country before you start comparing other people to Nazis. We'll let you know when we see brown-shirted, jack-booted thugs marching down the streets of American cities. Until then, perhaps you would care to study current affairs at home. -RuthW from Spot the difference thread in hell
 
Posted by Hazey*Jane (# 8754) on :
 
Chorister, on a thread in Purg about Non-Christians posting on the Ship:
quote:
Thank God this site is full of not-Christians, were-once-Christians, not-sure-Christians, not-yet-Christians, not-on-your-life-Christians as well as fully-signed-up-Christians. It is this mix which gives the ship its balance and unique flavour, and makes it worth visiting and contributing to time and time again.
Would make a good introduction to the boards, no?
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Telepath in What to wear to work thread in Heaven.
quote:
Happiness is a drawer full of well-fitting undies.

 
Posted by Chelley (# 11322) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Hazey*Jane:
Chorister, on a thread in Purg about Non-Christians posting on the Ship:
quote:
Thank God this site is full of not-Christians, were-once-Christians, not-sure-Christians, not-yet-Christians, not-on-your-life-Christians as well as fully-signed-up-Christians. It is this mix which gives the ship its balance and unique flavour, and makes it worth visiting and contributing to time and time again.
Would make a good introduction to the boards, no?
Amen to that! Or 'absolutely', for the nots/not yets and all that!
 
Posted by cometchaser (# 10353) on :
 
The Paranoid thread in circus is ripe with great quotes. here's jedijudy's latest inspired message:
quote:
Earwax sonata! I repeat! Earwax sonata! alpha one, beta one, Eisenhower.


[ 11. October 2006, 02:47: Message edited on a spaz of: cometchaser ]
 
Posted by PeteCanada (# 10422) on :
 
Ken, in Hell, wrote one of the most non-swearword-using putdowns I have ever read outside of John Diefenbaker in Hansard:

quote:
So you have chosen to promote the cause by acting out the role of a all-boys-together, arrogant, arse-licking, brain-dead-anglo-catholic, carping, elitist, exclusionist, faux-aesthete, gin-swilling, hole-in-a-corner, incense-swinging, irrelevancy-wallowing, irrelevant, lace-covered, misdirecting, misogynist, muck-racking, mud-slinging, obscurantist, obstructionist, out-of-touch, over-fastidious, port-and-lemon, precious, precisionist, purblind, sanctimonious, sectarian, sentimental, sky-high, sneering, supercilious, tat-fondling, Tory-party-at-prayer, whinging, whining, women-hating snob.


 
Posted by sharkshooter (# 1589) on :
 
and alphabetical, too!!
 
Posted by Callan (# 525) on :
 
Hey! Half a dozen of those aren't insults!
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Callan:
Hey! Half a dozen of those aren't insults!

Depends if one is the insulter or the insultee. [Biased]
 
Posted by 8bit Micro (# 10395) on :
 
RooK posting on the TICTH thread made the following statement that tickled me and I thought was worth preserving...

quote:
May a particularly sinister species of electric eel spontaneously evolve legs and migrate in the night to all your bedrooms and nest in your wobbly bits.
8.
 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Jimmy B's OP offers us an opportunity to post "profound bits" so here's a magnificent one uttered by Noneen on the Catechesis thread this morning:

quote:
We need to continually 'rekindle the amazement' - to swim in the wonder of the Incarnation, to dive deep into the truth that we are children of the Creator.
Mary
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Telepath
Flailing about trying to befriend Bangladeshi coffee-growing one-parent family whales before popping out for the afternoon to bring fairly-traded organic grapes to elderly prisoners in hospital is an excellent way to tick lots of items off your to-do list.


 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Spawn, in the "CU Forced to Rename" thread in Purg:
Conservative evangelicals unfortunately are very often the anoraks of the evangelical world - obsessed with the science of salvation, rather than the mystery of it.


 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Iole Nui
In the spirit of extreme boringness, I have to protest that I never stuck anything combustible up any cat's bottom, ever, not in my entire life.


 
Posted by chive (# 208) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by dyfrig:
Dammit, DOD, stop introducing nuance, thoughtfulness and complexity into things! What this country needs is strong, no-nonsense, clear cut prejudice which can be easily categorised without recourse to further consideration.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
That Teufelchen is a guy to watch:

quote:
I'm all for trying to defend the orthodoxy of Anglican bishops, but I'm in no hurry to get into a fight with the Abominable Strawman.


 
Posted by Jimmy B (# 220) on :
 
A fab little gem from Firenze:

"perpetually obliging hot tottie"

Would make a fantastic Ship title [Big Grin]

quote:
From her post on Mark Driscoll's article about pastor's wives:
There's all the rockstar babe-magnet stuff - which I don't doubt. Pastors/ministers have an in to people's lives, and swooning female congregants are nothing new in the history of the church. A bad consequence, IMFO, of male leadership. I don't know which is worse - celibacy, or this kind of snorting, dominant-male sexuality. And the peeved insistence that the payback for not succumbing to all this adulation, is a wife who is perpetually obliging hot tottie. In these circles I suspect she is also supposed to produce and rear a brood of children, be unpaid secretary, informal social worker - and smiling helpmeet at all times - without, for an instant, 'letting herself go'. Poor bitch.

The whole thing was fantastic really.
 
Posted by Ena (# 11545) on :
 
Someone posted this a little while back:

Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Baldrick: Yeah, it's just like goldy and bronzey but it's irony.

And this was from a Purg thread ages ago:
Maybe the only answer we really get to prayers is "I love you."
Sometimes it's hard to hear.

Sorry but I don't know who! Any claimers?
 
Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :
 
That was mine, actually... [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Perhaps only one who is devoutly C of E has the right to fall on the floor laughing at this quote - and I am one to exercise my rights freely.

the coiled spring introduced a thread in Purgatory regarding "Elton John gives interview in which he say organised religion should be banned because of attitude towards gays."

My favourite amongst coiled spring's responses to his own thread was this:

quote:
I can see Elton the Lad having trouble with Islam if UK goes over to Shia law, but don`t know why he would have a problem with the C of E With a bit of an effort on his part, should quickly become a pri-matey and wear one of those funny card hats to cover his bald spot.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Jimmy B (# 220) on :
 
This little gem from Karl: LB

quote:
If pews seem hard I say grow a bigger arse.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Saint Bertelin in Hell:
Foot odour can usually be remedied with leather shoes and cotton-rich socks. Heresy is quite another matter.


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
Damnit, Comet, I was just toddling down here to drop that one off!
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
Damnit, Comet, I was just toddling down here to drop that one off!

what, not this one instead? [Big Grin]
quote:
Originally posted by the Spiffster:
churches really should be like sluts; take everyone no matter who they are or whether they can pay.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Ah, we could have a whole thread just on Sineisms.

Very recently:
quote:
Not Feeding the Troll doesn't allow one to be Irate, Holier Than Thou, or Claiming The Moral High Ground, which is the way a lot of folks get their rocks off, figuratively (I hope) speaking.

On the other hand Feeding the Troll is a way of feeling you've done a Brave And Noble Thing without actually having done much of anything. Plus it gives one a Warm Glow of Self-Satisfaction.

Who could resist?


 
Posted by Lowly Worm (# 11663) on :
 
Said by Jahlove in the cafe' (and I reprint this with her permission...)

quote:
I keep my best twat for High Mass on Sunday, thank you very much.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
And now a message from John Donne:
quote:
...all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God’s hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another.


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
From Comet, posting in hell:
quote:
If you can't tell the difference between an adult man and a duck, there is no help for you here.
(edited to unbugger the quote code...)

[ 21. November 2006, 04:25: Message edited by: infinite_monkey ]
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider Managementspeak is to linguistic evolution as splicing fluorescent jellyfish genes into spinach is to biological evolution.

Artificial, pointless and rather tasteless.



[ 22. November 2006, 15:05: Message edited by: Gwai ]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
From Foxy on the thread in Heaven about loving Christmas:

quote:
I am utterly slain by the idea of Almighty God, Creator of the Universe, being born amongst us as a helpless baby in a stable, warmed by the breath of animals. Wow.
Absolutely!

Though I normally reference very witty posts, this is one time when no Franciscan could resist a quote that is so warm and spot on.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Riverfalls demonstrates the proper application of 1 Corinthians 13 to nurks:

quote:
3If I give away all I have, and if I give my body to be burned, but if I do not love people, I get nothing out of it.
4Nurks is patient and kind. Nurks is not jealous. Nurks is not proud and does not boast.
5Nurks does not do things that are not nice. Nurks does not just think of itself. Nurks does not get angry. Nurks holds no wrong feelings in the heart.
6Nurks is not glad when people do wrong things. But it is always glad when they do right.
7Nurks forgives everything. Nurks is always trusting, and always hoping, and never gives up.



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
After lo these many years as a Hell Host, the penny finally drops for RooK:

quote:
GROAN

People, please. You're making me start to think you all like being bitter, twisted anger sponges.



[ 29. November 2006, 01:53: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Sanityman on the Torchwood thread in Heaven:
quote:
That's one gaseous alien shag-monster and one squid-cum-200-year-old lesbian serial killer: I wonder if RTD wouldn't be happier filming a sequel to the Rocky Horror Show?

 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
After lo these many years as a Hell Host, the penny finally drops for RooK:

quote:
GROAN

People, please. You're making me start to think you all like being bitter, twisted anger sponges.


Ah, but we are...otherwise we would not sinfully like eating chocolate cake, indulge in anger mgmt style on the ship.

For some reason, I think of smiling sponges, then mean nasty ones with square teeth plus pointed teeth...saying awful things.
 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
SpongeBob Squarefangs, duchess?

M
 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Melon, on "Stupid Computer Admins":

quote:
I hate that sort of job, which is why I don't tend to do that sort of job.

 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
We excuse the "sins" we are tempted by and go nuclear on those that don't tempt us...

Paige in a time to speak, a time to keep silent, pg 2

[ 05. December 2006, 17:39: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Leetle Masha:
SpongeBob Squarefangs, duchess?

M

[Devil]
 
Posted by Callan (# 525) on :
 
Mousethief takes issue with Frank n' Honest:

quote:
If there is no God, who sends people to Hell? The Sorting Hat?

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Callan:
Mousethief takes issue with Frank n' Honest:

quote:
If there is no God, who sends people to Hell? The Sorting Hat?

[Killing me]
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sister Mary Precious in a Heaven thread about "when did you find out":
Santa is truly just as real as the Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, and Cher.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I know you all will agree this needs to be archived:

Miss Sarkycow, on nebie flamebait:
quote:
Why do we periodically get random newbies who come across the Ship and think that the best possible way to have fun here is to come to Hell and see:
1.How stupid a thing they can say in an OP.

2.How many people can provide a rebuttal within 24 hours.

3.How many 6yr old insults they can hurl.

Is there some board elsewhere having a competition? Because surely the chance of lots and lots of random people all independently deciding that's the best way forward is too small to be believable. Or am I underestimating the stupidity of the human race again?

And why do they all say some variation on these lines:

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wanted to see how hot it gets down here. Your insults are nothing to me. I am TEH UBER FLAMEGOD I will win this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not a fucking competition.

Arseholic morons.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I know you all will agree this needs to be archived:

Miss Sarkycow, on newbie flamebait:
quote:
Why do we periodically get random newbies who come across the Ship and think that the best possible way to have fun here is to come to Hell and see:
1.How stupid a thing they can say in an OP.

2.How many people can provide a rebuttal within 24 hours.

3.How many 6yr old insults they can hurl.

Is there some board elsewhere having a competition? Because surely the chance of lots and lots of random people all independently deciding that's the best way forward is too small to be believable. Or am I underestimating the stupidity of the human race again?

And why do they all say some variation on these lines:

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wanted to see how hot it gets down here. Your insults are nothing to me. I am TEH UBER FLAMEGOD I will win this.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's not a fucking competition.

Arseholic morons.



[ 10. December 2006, 21:32: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Papio (# 4201) on :
 
Does it need to be archived twice? [Razz]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
YES, DAMMIT, IT'S BRILLIANT!

( [Hot and Hormonal] )
 
Posted by Lowly Worm (# 11663) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Left at the Altar on a Hell thread:

It's times like this that I imagine RooK and Marvin and Sarky with lovely golden rings shimmering above their heads, as they paitiently read all the dross.

St RooK, St Marvin and St Sarkycow. The Trinity.

Hmmm, there's a theology I can get behind!
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Arrietty:
quote:
Originally posted by aumbry:
I am a regular visitor to London from this Saxon fastness and I recall seeing no Christmas symbolism in any of the public decorations.

Come to think of it, my last Easter egg wasn't embossed with the stations of the cross either.

 
Posted by Teufelchen (# 10158) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ken on the 'Last Rites' Purgatory thread:
...the stresses introduced by Anglo-Catholcism - i.e. "how do we ensure that the next vicar is the Right Sort of Chap when half the diocese thinks we are a cross between the Great Whore of Babylon and the Spawn of Cthulu?"

T.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
A Horseman Bree "special" on the Homosexuality DH thread.

quote:
Gluttons and gossips tend to have the valued positions in the church, despite the Biblical strictures.

 
Posted by Pure Sunshine (# 11904) on :
 
In Hell, Dinghy Sailor wrote:

Ken, why do you have to be right so much? It makes me all the more annoyed when I don't agree with you.

[Razz]

I think Ken should use that as his sig!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
"Why Bother Getting Up in the Morning" Dept.:


quote:
Originally posted by Bean Sidhe:
Les

We will be offended if you are offensive
We will be offended if you are not offensive
We will be offended if you take offence
We will be offended if you do not take offence
We will be offended, in fact, if you speak
We will be offended if you do not speak

Read that once more, then start again.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...and Kenwritez lives to serve:

quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:
quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
I have no husband. So Duran Duran underwear welcomed here. [Smile]

Duch, I dunno if I can find any down here. What if I just grab a pair of whites and use a Magic Marker to write DURAN on each cheek and Hungry Like the Wolf on the front? [Killing me]

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Quoth Callan in Purg, on the thread regarding children in church:

quote:
Churches are scary enough for the unchurched without them having to face the massed ranks of the Hyacinth Bouquet Panzer Division every time their children makes a sound which is not authorised by the rubrics.
what a terrifying mental image!

(but funny as hell!)
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Another gem from KenWritez:
quote:
God is the author of my life, I'm the pages on which His text is written.

Currently, He seems to be drawing cartoons on me.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Big Grin]

Goes well with the Donne quote.
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Quoth the esteemed tomb (squamous and rugose) on the AS:Molly thread:

quote:
Death is so inconvenient.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
LynnMagdaleneCollege gives props to Sine:

quote:
Sine, your cynical self-interest regarding no-room-at-the-inn and the Bethlehem Marriott is practically inspiring.

 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
Eliab in Purg:

quote:
The Christian gospel is not a logic puzzle that God set us so that he can ensure he gets the smartest possible worshippers. If it were, the incarnation would have been unnecessary – a Sudoku would have done just as well.

 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
Spiffy in Purg:

quote:
On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is simple and 10 is complex, God is a banana.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Grushi attempts to celebrate his Loss of Faith:

quote:
I went out[to Walmart] this morning after learning that Genesis 1 invalidates the whole of the bible, and the best they could offer me was Tickle Me Richard Dawkins.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
I love it when there's a hilarious post in Eccles. Here's Louise describing the music at Christmas Mass:

quote:
lo, verily, the organist had smitten the keyboard like unto Samson getting all Bronze Age on somebody's ass.


 
Posted by Ena (# 11545) on :
 
On the 'Ungorgivable (sic) sin' thread in Heaven a little while back:

' Not so very long ago, gully prepared to deliver a major seminar before the great and the good, SWMBO had to go commando. Threw away all her gallen-apart knickers with not a thought og buying replacements. Mr Eggiciency had the wash on; when cries were heard "Guck! I haven't got any knickers!" '

Unfortunately I don't remember who said it, and it won't let me search for it, so.........yet again, I say: any claimers? Someone must be proud of that one!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Can't argue with you, Moo:

quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
If Kindade had painted only one picture, I think I would like it.

Unfortunately, he didn't stop there.



 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
[Tangent]I had never heard of Kindade - but he appears to be some kind of American Jack Vettriano[/Tangent]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oops, didn't correct the spelling. It's Kincade.
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ena:
Unfortunately I don't remember who said it, and it won't let me search for it, so.........yet again, I say: any claimers? Someone must be proud of that one!

I think that was Welease Woderick, but I could be wrong.
 
Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:
quote:
Originally posted by Ena:
Unfortunately I don't remember who said it, and it won't let me search for it, so.........yet again, I say: any claimers? Someone must be proud of that one!

I think that was Welease Woderick, but I could be wrong.
No, it wasn't. Take a bow, Zealot en Vacance.
 
Posted by Ena (# 11545) on :
 
Ah, thank you! I can see WW saying it too, though...
 
Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
[Tangent]I had never heard of Kindade - but he appears to be some kind of American Jack Vettriano[/Tangent]

...except Vettriano's works aren't cloying gobs of sentiment. I like JV's work because it contains a bit of mystery and helps me build stories around the figures in the paintings (something I value as a writer), whereas Kincade's works present me with nothing more than a cute image.

Of course, both of these men can laugh at their critics all the way to the bank.
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ena:
I can see WW saying it too, though...

I can't see WW referring to SWMBO somehow - I think HWMBO might have something to say about that [Big Grin]
 
Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
I thought the same thing, JtL. Congrats, BTW.

Adeodatus on Torchwood:
quote:
There are only so many British cities you can trample on or fight an interplanetary war over, before somebody somewhere notices.

 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
I've already just confessed that Callan is one of my favourite quotable shipmates, and here he is on form again. From the NOS thread in Purgatory:

quote:
but we can all see that giving someone in their twenties pastoral care of a congregation of six hundred young people after one year at theological college with no adequate support or oversight is going to end badly whether he is Hannibal Lecter or St. John of the Cross.

 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
From the hell thread "Why not just have a siren go off? "FAT-so, FAT-so, FAT-so!"

quote:
Originally posted by Janine:


I look in the mirror and see... A thrill ride. The cockpit of a vintage luxury car well-covered in butter-soft Fine Corinthian Leather. A full-fat, extra-cream dessert, spiked with spices and finest liquors and set afire as it's served.

All I can say is whoa..yeaaassss! [Overused]
(and I am borrowing this...mighty fine line! [Big Grin] )
 
Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 
Max in Eccles

quote:
Mine goes over my head and then has a zip up the middle.
[Eek!]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I really should be getting to bed, but I had to drop this one off:

quote:
Originally posted by Corpus cani:
There's little more painful than banging one's own bony bits against someone else's bony bits, and there's always the risk of it sounding like a xylophone.



 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
From the hell thread "Why not just have a siren go off? "FAT-so, FAT-so, FAT-so!"

quote:
Originally posted by Janine:


I look in the mirror and see... A thrill ride. The cockpit of a vintage luxury car well-covered in butter-soft Fine Corinthian Leather. A full-fat, extra-cream dessert, spiked with spices and finest liquors and set afire as it's served.

All I can say is whoa..yeaaassss! [Overused]
(and I am borrowing this...mighty fine line! [Big Grin] )

Uh huh. That's Janine all right. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Corpus cani (# 1663) on :
 
Yoiks! I am humbled Mme Lapin avec une hache.

In years to come, those researching my biography will find this permanent record of my erudition.

"Oh, look," will say Researcher the First, "He contributed a passage to an internet-based theological forum!"

"Really?" will come the response. "What is the underlying theme of his thesis?"

"Umm... it's all about knobbing skinny girls."

Bang goes my canonisation then...

Cc
 
Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 
Posted by Ags
quote:
Don't mind, lad or lass


[ 09. January 2007, 22:52: Message edited by: Spike ]
 
Posted by Ags (# 204) on :
 
Well, Cc, at least you named your preference.
I, on the other hand, seem to be a little ambivalent about mine! [Hot and Hormonal]

Spike - [Razz]
 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
Ariel in Heaven;
quote:
I wonder if they could all be combined - an alluring dance with the hula hoop that finishes with your feet under the sideboard. Would the sultan go for that, I wonder?

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sine Nomine reflects:

quote:
I’m not becoming my mother. I’m becoming my grandmother. And to think I pitched her bridge cloths when I moved. I knew I shouldn’t get rid of anything. I just KNEW it!



 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
From Trudy Scrumptious on the Praise Thread --
quote:
Sometimes all we can do is throw a rock at the window and let grace shine through!

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
I'm back with another; this time, Bede's American Successor on the ECUSA vs. CofE thread:

quote:
To forget that +KJS was an active research oceanographer is not wise. She is not the Vicar of Dibley in rochet and chimere.


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
IngoB in purgatory:
quote:
God is Love, not Prozac.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This comes up all the time, so I feel it proper to save this nugget form Lyda Rose:

quote:
It's almost frightening the regularity in which it represents people who like to play in Hell- but not well. Someone should write it up as an addendum to Rorschach.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oops, clipped it. [Hot and Hormonal]
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
What is it about the tiger avatar? [Confused]

It's almost frightening the regularity in which it represents people who like to play in Hell- but not well. Someone should write it up as an addendum to Rorschach.

I except Mama Thomas, Of course. [Biased]



[ 18. January 2007, 05:01: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...and ken preaches the full gospel:

quote:
Look, this is Hell. We've got no problem with posters mocking loonies and dumbos and mentally subnormal sick people. But if they misuse the English language our pedantry circuits will be engaged.

 
Posted by Lowly Worm (# 11663) on :
 
on the God isn't a bitch hell thread...

quote:
Posted by The Lad Himself:

Obviously God's female. Otherwise how do you explain multiple orgasms? Exactly.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Dang it, Worm, you beat me to it! [Razz]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Keep this excuse handy, courtesy of dogwonderer:

quote:
I haven't actually read past Line 3 of the OP yet, cos my dog ate the printout.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Another RooKism for the minutes:

quote:
the truth is that in this thread you've been little more than a scratching post to a herd of bored cats.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
I love taking things out of context...

quote:
Originally posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege:
Play with your dead kitty and see what looks good - be bold!


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Another RooKism :It may be cynical, but you can't really argue with it:

quote:
I think you'll find that the preponderance of clinical evidence clearly identifies two specific kinds of relationships as being most likely to cause psychological harm: marriage and parenthood.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
[Big Grin] Corpus Cani:
quote:
As a fully fledged Anglican I can claim to be fully qualified in nailing my colours firmly to the fence.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Vanity alert

I posted this a long time ago, in reference to somebody involved in the Gitmo situation:

quote:
I'm sure he'll be providing the forward to the Patriot Edition of the Malleus Malificarum.
(I just thought that was a great line. Forgive me.)
 
Posted by PeteCanada (# 10422) on :
 
Dear Blesséd Spiffy said in Hell, in re: Gordo's recurrent lack of Immodium:

quote:
The Gospel according to Gordito, after all, says Jesus wandered into the desert for 40 days to come up with the 4 Step Plan for Salvation and to helpfully write out all His words in red marker in Elizabethan English, all the while singing "Shine, Myself, Shine".

 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
I just came here to print that Pete. It may be the funniest thing I've ever read here. At least in the top ten. That darn Spiffy.
 
Posted by OliviaG (# 9881) on :
 
From the speed camera thread in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
You're so dense that your brain must have an event horizon around it.

I think the most beautiful thing about this insult is the incongruity of a person who knows what an event horizon acting so dense as to deserve this. OliviaG
 
Posted by Doc Tor (# 9748) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by OliviaG:
I think the most beautiful thing about this insult is the incongruity of a person who knows what an event horizon acting so dense as to deserve this. OliviaG

Hey! I resemble that remark!

I maintain my physics-based approach as correct... but RooK is much better at the riposte than me, so that's where the kudos goes. Curse his canuck hide!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
KenW's been taking the megalomania pills again.

Once he stopped taking them, and an ozone hole developed over Fresno.
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by AdamPater:
But before you can listen you have to stop talking. And before you can understand someone you have to stop telling them what they're saying. Before you can point them to Jesus, you have to stop giving them the finger.


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
I was just on my way to post that one: AdamPater, [Overused]
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
As Professor Kirke notes
quote:
If Maryland and New York combine forces, my Limited Edition Goat Nad iPod is going to completely lose its resale value.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Doublethink (on the Purg discussion about banning fake testicles as vehicle ornaments):
quote:
I wonder if they'd bother to ban false clitorides ? Though of course you'd have to mount them somewhere under the hood, and the mechanic would spend ages trying to find them ...

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Sine Nomine in Hell:
quote:
Well you know, Gordo, it occurs to me that if you were so damn happy with your own beliefs you wouldn’t feel the compulsion to throw stones at other people’s.
Words to live by.
 
Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
From our very own Blackadder-esque Reader ken on the 'Orthodox = dynastically Protestant?' thread:

quote:
Originally posted by ken:

Belgium is the odd one out. A constitutionally Roman Catholic state founded by the Brits in the 1830s in order to prevent France running all the Channel ports.

We stocked its royal family with minor German Protestant princes, just as we did those of Greece and a few other assorted south-eastern European countries. Its a British skill, like stocking salmon farms and trout ponds.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Pure as the Yellow Driven Snow:

quote:
How the hell have you managed to take the joy, the excitement and the irrepressible delight of the Gospel and reduced it to nyah nyah nyah?

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(I was gonna post that one too, but was afraid I was being a thread-hog)

This just in: What does jedijudy do when she's not slumming on the Ship?

quote:
Originally posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege:
she's either laughing and whooping it up with friends (the ones that roped her into this[a comedic ballet]) or she's getting pie-eyed down at Fergit Yer Trubbles, pondering her future career as an itinerant buffoon... I trust it's the former. [Big Grin]


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Oooh, and from Humane Catholic, the perfect thing to say to my congregation:

quote:
A priest of my childhood once commented, "If God's given you a terrible singing voice, then the least you can do is give it back to Him. Sing up, damnit."


 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
I want that as a T-shirt - so I can sing appallingly and point to the slogan! [Killing me]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
comet:
quote:
BECAUSE PAUL WAS JESUS' SOCK PUPPET!!!

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Zappa in hell:
quote:
I hate it when people bullshit in the name of Jesus.
Now that's a bumper sticker I want on my car.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Rossweisse administers a mighty smack-down in Hell, with nary a cuss word:

quote:
The sentence above, for example, is so fat and unwieldy as to be well-nigh unreadable. A starving Third World family could live on it for a week.


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
An addendum to Kelly's post:

quote:
Originally posted by Rossweisse:
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
On the contrary. If she's that worried about starving third world families, she should send her calorific sentences to them, rather than wasting them on us overfed westerners.

"There are children starving for adverbs in India."

 
Posted by Chelley (# 11322) on :
 
quote:
comet:
I find an afternoon's play with a decent organ always sets me right again. [Devil]


[Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Amen.
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Silent Acolyte in Eccles thread "Process to the Trisagion":
Though it's hard not to sing when approaching the altar of God.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
From ken on the Martyn Joseph thread in Heaven:
quote:
One of the salient points about being liberal is that your core is not meant to be hard, but soft, and generous, if not exactly pliable or runny, something like chocolate fudge.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Martin Luther as channeled by Lamb Chopped:
quote:
"Get your arse down to the nearest marriage license bureau as soon as you can find a woman who'll have you, because you obviously haven't got the gift of chastity."

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The thing is, I have heard devout Christians complain about the same thing:

quote:
Originally posted by The Atheist:
The people I know who have "found Jesus" later on in life are all very much like ex-smokers - zealous wankers.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Oooh, I'm so pleased! My very own quote. [Hot and Hormonal] I'm finally all growed up.

But such a quote to be remembered by... [Snigger]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
We aim to please. [Biased]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Hey, y'all, we got a mission statement now:

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
Humour is the last refuge of the desperate and cynical.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
comet:
quote:
on the entry into town, right where the tracks cross the road, there is a large swamp where the moose like to hang out in the summer. one day, my son (11) and I come up over the hill and down the other side to see ten vehicles - 'bagos and rentals, of course - stopped and blocking the road while taking pictures of a lovely older bull trying to have his breakfast in peace.

as I wound my way through the stopped cars to get to work, I saw a young man with camera in the swamp water, wading closer, and closer, and closer...

I said to Chasee#2, "he had better be careful or that moose will charge."

Chasee#2 responds in his best "moose voice": "Excuse me sir, that will be twenty bucks for that picture. I accept Visa.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
comet:
quote:
Chasee#2 responds in his best "moose voice": "Excuse me sir, that will be twenty bucks for that picture. I accept Visa."

[Yipee]
C#2 is a big fan of the Ship. Big.

I told him he made the Quotes Fie, and his response was, "AWWWWWW-some!"

He said to tell you all he'll be here in 4 years and six months.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Bring it, Chasee! [Big Grin]

Ok, this was too long to put into my sig, but it is so my political position on , well, everything:

quote:
Republicans are idiots, and democrats are idiots, and liberals are idiots, and conservatives are idiots.. anybody who done made up their mind before they fucking heard the issue is a fucking idiot.

--Chris Rock

Oh, do I wish he were a Shipmate.
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Hatless, on the Wedding - When? thread in Purg:

The real power in words is seen when the words change the world. Like saying 'this is the body of Christ,' or 'let there be light,' or 'I forgive you.'

Thought this was great.
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Gort in Hell (With LANGUAGE WARNING for tender ears and eyeballs):

quote:
Why the Good Lord would want to save any of you squabbling fuck-monkeys is the One True Mystery.

 
Posted by Petrified (# 10667) on :
 
From Wet Kipper in the Bovine Blow Job thread

"In fact, does this make him Britney Spears, as that's what you get if you "reform" the word Presbyterians"
 
Posted by PeteCanada (# 10422) on :
 
Those Sydney Anglicans are moving us to high levels of quotes!

This from Altarbird

quote:
Thankfully, I put my faith in God to tell me whether or not I'm a good Christian, and not in you or the three blind mice of Jensenites.
etd: a stray parenthesis

[ 15. March 2007, 12:43: Message edited by: PeteCanada ]
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Some things are just meant to be gloriously tacky. Two of them are Spanish reredos and your average wedding cake.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
[Big Grin]
------

Kelley, this would fit as a sig:
quote:
...anybody who done made up their mind before they fucking heard the issue is a fucking idiot. ~Chris Rock


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Yeah, I figured it out. And I realized I hadn't got the quote quite right, either. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Never, never, never get into a verbal pissing contest with Kenwritez.

quote:
quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:
If you really hate [X]that much, why not just buy a cat from the pound, name him "[X]," and then have him neutered? Keep the scrotum on your desk in a little jar of formaldehyde.


(Edited to avoid importing a Hell thread.)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Nigel M. My kind of guy:
quote:
The question of where Mark ended his gospel has been one of those that induce a collapse in scholarly decorum and there’s nothing quite so fascinating as sitting on the sidelines watching scholars un-decor themselves.

 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
From a thread in Ecclesiantics about the "Christ is Risen!" responsory:

quote:
Originally posted by Corpus cani:
[Or how about the newly appointed precentor of Lincoln Cathedral in the early 20thC who met the bishop in the close on Easter Morning?

Bishop: Alleluia! Christ is risen!

*pause*

Precentor: Quite so, my Lord, quite so.]

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Teufelchen contributed this gem to a Purgatory thread about street preachers:

quote:
"Don't be a sinner when you can be a winner!" proclaims the Oxford Circus guy.

Perhaps the Cult of Cthulhu can do a competing pitch: "Even if you're a sinner, you can still be our god's dinner!"

Those interested in further information about being 'winners' may wish to know that, also near Oxford Circus, there are women who pass out heather and offer to read one's future.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Because somebody's got to do it:

quote:
Originally posted by flighty:

If you want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.

(Ed. because I'm a comma Nazi)

[ 11. April 2007, 22:24: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Originally Posted by Newman's Own, quoting Corpus Cani:

quote:
Quite so, my Lord, quite so.
[Orthopedant] Shouldn't that have read, "Quite so, my Lord, alleluia, alleluia"???[/Orthopedant]

Best wishes,

Mary
 
Posted by Jimmy B (# 220) on :
 
Nice by Laura in Styx. Should be the Ship's motto:

quote:
...we're not in the habit of catering to the sensitive.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Beane Sidhe pours out her heart on "How Offensive!" :

quote:

Les, making people laugh is the same as being happy? What happened to the tears of a clown, the lonely agony of the long-distance standup? Have you no soul?


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sine Nomine on Botox party etiquette:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Hey! I let the two friends I was with go first to see if they keeled over or not.



[ 19. April 2007, 01:36: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
David, on the joys of guest-hosting:

quote:
The regular Hell Hosts have apparently been struggling to find a suitable reason to close this piece of shit of a thread.

As a special guest host extraordinaire, I find that I have no requirement for reasons.



[ 19. April 2007, 01:38: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
And again from David: why fancy up a thread closure with a bunch of flowery explanations?

quote:
Die.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I can't remember who it was, but one sparkling day in Hell we had one of those online tests that told you what your spiritual gifts were, and someone who took the test posted:

quote:
Oh, hoo-freaking-ray. I have the gift of celibacy.
Still gets me giggling.
I think Papio might have just beat this one. The Circus Freaks take a test to find their animal spirit guide:

quote:
Originally posted by Papio:
I get a mouse called Ariel.

I don't wanna sodding mouse.


 
Posted by Pax Romana (# 4653) on :
 
Things to Do Today:

1. Post something memorable on Ship of Fools, so that somebody at some point will quote you.

2. Wash the dishes and dust the furniture.

Pax Romana
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Smudgie defines "Communion of Saints":

quote:
You don't need to feel stupid all by yourself. We are here to keep you company while you feel stupid. Don't just disregard us as if we were nobodies.

 
Posted by BillyPilgrim (# 9841) on :
 
Papio on being bullied at school:

quote:
PE just sucks. It goes sucky sucky suck suck. It has no redeeming features at all.


[Killing me] [Killing me]

[ 01. May 2007, 10:59: Message edited by: BillyPilgrim ]
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
In a purg discussion on good and evil as experienced personally:

quote:
Karl the Liberal Backslider said, and I quote,
Seems to me that this Satan is an industrious wee beastie, with all this sending of Bad News. I'm not sure how helpful, or accurate, this sort of "God sending the good things, Satan sending the bad things" dualism is. We can easily end up at "God got me a parking place/Satan made my rear offside puncture in the rain" thinking, and that's when Christianity turns into some kind of cosmic RPG with God and Satan taking turns as dungeon master.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Rossweisse, talking about whether or not a certain group should refer to themselves as Christian.
quote:
You can call yourself Elizabeth Windsor, but that doesn't mean the Queen's corgis will come when you whistle for them.


 
Posted by CuppaT (# 10523) on :
 
IngoB in Purg from the Theological Differences thread:
quote:
A religion without teeth cannot bite, it can only suck...

 
Posted by Papio (# 4201) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by BillyPilgrim:
Papio on being bullied at school:

quote:
PE just sucks. It goes sucky sucky suck suck. It has no redeeming features at all.


[Killing me] [Killing me]

Well, ok. I can see how I could have phrased that better. [Biased]
 
Posted by BillyPilgrim (# 9841) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Papio:
quote:
Originally posted by BillyPilgrim:
Papio on being bullied at school:

quote:
PE just sucks. It goes sucky sucky suck suck. It has no redeeming features at all.


[Killing me] [Killing me]

Well, ok. I can see how I could have phrased that better. [Biased]
No, it's fine as it is. Although, yes, it could suggest that your school days were rather more interesting than mine!
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
The cutest thing I've read here in ages: Malin on the unexpected joys of the not-so-natural athlete:

quote:
Originally posted by Malin:
I actually felt a moment of determined (and slightly painful) energy as I forced myself over the last railway bridge. I think I might have had my first endorphin [Big Grin]


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
nomadicgrl's friend:
quote:
"When Jerry Falwell passes away he will be greeted in Heaven by a representative of God who was a Black, Liberal, Lesbian Woman. When I pass away I'll be greeted in Heaven by Jerry Falwell."

[Votive] for ol' Jerry
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
by Charles Read:


some Christians seem to think insensitivity is a gift of the Spirit.
 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
From kentishmaid on the It's only funny to a ________ thread:
quote:
My favourite (quite well known) theology joke:

And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"

They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed."

And Jesus replied, "What?"

Well, it's a new joke to me! [Killing me]
 
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
From the cafe (posted with permission). Discussing the death of Jerry Falwell, Doublethink asks:

"Was he the shock jock type comedian with the top hat?"
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sometimes someone says something of such pure wisdom that you can do nothing but stand in awe. Brava, Duchess:
quote:
So all I can say is that the tone is set with the hosts. Kind of like if you will, working for a Japanese company is different working for a Finnish one except they both love being naked in the sauna.


 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
Dammit Kelly!! I just came here to post that very same quote! Double brava, duchess!!

[edited to change "bravo" to "brava." Permission to shout "Brava!" at an annoying loud volume, anyone?]

[ 24. May 2007, 23:32: Message edited by: Trudy Scrumptious ]
 
Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
From an Ecclesiantics thread about Benediction, where another Ship mate had commented that such a service in the C of E seems contrary to the 39 Articles:

Adeodatus:
quote:
Articles, schmarticles! Bishops' a*ses were not ordained of Christ to be kicked, but we shouldn't let that get in the way of a little footie practice now and then. (I'm wearing my JDAKB bracelet: "Jesus Didn't Always Know Best".)

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
And from Sine, after someone reminds us all that Jesus got cranky, too:

quote:
Is there a Jesus version of Godwin's Law? There should be.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Wait, I quoted from memory. The correct quote:

quote:
Is there a Jesus Version of Godwin’s Law? If not, there should be.

 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Callan:

quote:
Kindly demonstrate the sleight of hand, changing facts on the ground and subversive tactics or go into the kitchen, put on the kettle and pour yourself a nice hot mug of shut the fuck up.


 
Posted by mountainsnowtiger (# 11152) on :
 
Can we have the thread reference please, TT? Sounds like a fun debate is going on somewhere and I haven't been able to track it down via Callan's 'recent post' list yet.
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
It's here on the Wycliffe Hall thread - but it's a very long thread!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This is prizeworthy.

quote:
Originally posted by mirrizin:
It always creeps me out a little when people take me seriously. [Smile]


 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Originally posted by Triple Tiara:
quote:
The saints sing in chorus. The heretics sing out of tune. When we try to get the saints to sing a different tune, we disrupt the divine symphony.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Mirrizin: a new one on my "Quoteable people to Watch." list. Sorry if it "creeps you out" buddy, but AFAIAC you say some damn wise things. Like this:

quote:
I think some folk believe that their "immortal souls" rest on this little interpretation of scripture that someone passed onto them, and so they're terrified of losing it. Any questioning of "the doctrine" (often delivered in Chick Tract style) may endanger their immortal happiness, so they fend off any and all questions. When a pastor allows his authority to rest solely on this reading of scripture, it gets even more psychologically complicated, and harder to root out.

 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Liopleurodon in the Creationist Museum thread in Hell. If there were dinosaurs around when the Bible was being written...

quote:
Surely there should be a few lines like "Your enemy, the Devil, is like a prowling Spinosaurus, with the big teeth and fearsome roar like this GRRRRRRRRRRAAAAARRRGGHHH"
[Killing me]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
the latest whole page of that thread is hysterical, IMO.
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
MouseThief weighs in on the limerick quality control thread on the Styx:
quote:
There once was a thread on the Ship
Where limerick writing was hip
But it sucked when the verse
Got increasingly worse
Till the poems submitted weren't really, in any true sense of the word, limericks at all.

Hee hee.
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
The whole "How to Become an Innie" thread in Hell is full of fun but I must remember this line from Gort:

"Hosting only requires a file clerk's reading skills and a process server's judgement." I'm sure activities other than Hosting fit just as well if not better.

Getting quoted on this thread goes a long way to being recognised as an Innie.
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
In the Steering the Ship thread in Styx, Erin summed things nicely*:
quote:
In my opinion, where Christianity has gone off the rails is when it's made a distinction between thought and action. I would really have a problem institutionalizing that sort of divide here.
*Nicely? Did I just say "Erin" and "nicely" in the same sentence? [Eek!]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Gareth, discussing the Ship (as part of a larger conversation) on the Unspoken Rules thread in Purg:
quote:
I've always found the place to be characterised by iconoclastic scepticism, even when directed to one's own most cherished beliefs.

After all, what happens to Shipmates who treat their own beliefs as unquestionable? There is no 'universal truth' here.

This really hits the nail on the head for me.
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
Duo Seraphim in Hell:
quote:
...What a waste of time: irony plainly sails over your head. It's probably gone on a futile hunt for your misplaced logic.
No! No! Stop! My sides can't take much more! [Killing me]
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
...Getting quoted on this thread goes a long way to being recognised as an Innie.

Thank you. Thank you very much! That will be 50 more points towards my Innie status, correct?
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
AnnaB on the Recipe Thread in Heaven:

quote:
I feel self-satisfied as a Siamese cat after an orgasm.

Speaking of her cooking prowess, of course.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
No pithy introductory comment; this exchange stands alone.

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
quote:
Originally posted by PhilA:
Can I please be an innie?

Why yes, certainly you may.

If your real life is so dismal that you prefer spend most of your time online racking-up a huge post count, go right ahead. Virtual status is better than no status at all I suppose.

Of course a quick trip through the shipmate’s gallery and some of the support threads in All Saints reminds one that in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Hennah, of people who can't be bothered to use proper forms of address in emails:

quote:
I hope you drown in a bucket of apostrophes.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Damn, this particular thread is turning into a font of insight.

quote:
Originally posted by Arrietty:
[qb] If you think you're in and say you're in, you're out.

If you think you're out but try to cover it up by saying you're in, you're out.

If you think you're in but say you're out so people won't think you think you're in, you're out.

If you say you're out and proud of it, you think out is the new in, so you think you are in, so you're out.

If outies think you're in and you try to pretend you're not in, you're out.

In or out, if you're on this thread you're a loser anyway so who cares whether you're in or out?


 
Posted by Choirboy (# 9659) on :
 
From an exchange between Po and Josephine on the 'Thoughts on the Lord's Supper' thread:
quote:
Originally posted by Josephine:
quote:
Originally posted by Po:
quote:
Have you ever expressed love to someone—say, a child—with a ritual involving tiny bits of food and drink, background music, and a liturgy delivered in a somewhat theatrical voice? Or would that constitute child abuse?

I gather you haven't participated in many teddy bear tea parties, have you?

 
Posted by PeteCanada (# 10422) on :
 
They're discussing the masturbation in Hell. [Eek!]

Anyway, if response to a question:

What if they're single?

Brother Polycarp a newbie replied (doubtless following the Anglican Primatial thread):

That would be same-sex union

No further comment needed, I trust!

[ 24. June 2007, 15:12: Message edited by: PeteCanada ]
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
A RooK "special", rather a long one, but special anyway, from the innies and outies thread (Kelly Alves, you are so right about that thread.)

quote:
There are people who use sarcasm in the same way that Degas used pencil - a deft touch of insight and genius belying truth so poignant that even the pain of accepting its barb is pleasurable. These people have every clique clamouring to admit them, if not for direct appreciation then at least for fear of being outclassed en-masse.

Then there are people who think that they're being sarcastic, but really they understand the idiom about as well as a drunken hippopotamus in high heels can tap dance. These people aren't just usually "out", they are a convincing argument about why exclusion should happen at all.



[ 24. June 2007, 22:30: Message edited by: Barnabas62 ]
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Lawrence, commenting on a MW report on a short lunchtime service at Canary Wharf:

quote:
Ah, there speaks someone who has a civilised workplace. I have some friends in evil London law firms who would consider 20 to 25 minutes more as a career break than a lunch break.


[ 26. June 2007, 19:49: Message edited by: Triple Tiara ]
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
Matrix responding to a Coiled Spring post in Hell:
quote:
Out of interest, how do you manage to balance quite so many chips on your shoulders, matey?

 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
quote:
Mudfrog:
I think I've had enough now. I hate churches together. I hate the worthies and luvvies that come to the committee meetings and have no concept of what the people in the pews think.

quote:
Karl: Liberal Backslider:
Well, look at it this way. God's given you some enemies to love and pray for as Jesus commanded.


 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
My first post to this thread! [Big Grin]

I'd like to contribute this from Custard.:
quote:
To nearly quote Dr Strangelove - the whole point of nuclear weapons is lost if you don't tell people about them.
Source
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Nice one.

This from Duchess:

quote:
I put the T in TULIP.

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
From Grits in the I Hate Fundamentalists thread in Hell:
quote:
It's good to be armed with the truth, no doubt. Too bad so many brethren tend to shoot themselves in the foot with it.

 
Posted by PeteCanada (# 10422) on :
 
This one's so good!

quote:
Originally posted by Anselmina:
quote:
Originally posted by Amos:
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:


And don't be too spooked when the vicar announces 'there are three people in this marriage' - it's what they all say.

Not me! That's crass.
Yeah, when everyone knows it's five. Rook, his beloved, and the Holy Trinity. But they could stay in the Granny flat.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Casablanca according to Cartmel Veteran:
quote:
If that bus to the next parish leaves and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of the church calendar.


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
OliviaG on the Harry Potter thread:
quote:

If Voldemort ever finds out that Snape has not only been working for Dumbledore but has protected Harry on a number of occasions, he's going to be, well, like, totally wroth.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I think this one is even funnier if you have a mental sound clip of Amazing Grace's voice to guide you as to the exact delivery:

quote:
Originally posted by Amazing Grace:
quote:
Originally posted by Trin:
While we're at it, you're also a snobby elitist if your signature or profile contains:

- latin
- a quote from a shakespeare (or similar)
- something copied and pasted to prove that you once exchanged banter with a high profile shipmate.

Hmmm, I have a sudden desire to mosey on over to the Question Thread and ask if anyone can translate "Blow me, chickeybabe" into Latin.
{Altered slightly to juxtapose line and response]

[ 15. July 2007, 04:18: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
I love Kelly.
quote:
Probably no sooner had Jesus spoken most of his words intended for comfort, there were already people processing out the loopholes to further Mankind's endless I'm Better Than You contest.
from the Purgatory accountability thread.
 
Posted by Manipled Mutineer (# 11514) on :
 
Quoth Hatless, in the "Greatest Living Theologian" thread:

quote:
When I read Jungel I find myself wondering what I might get for tea tonight, and whose birthday comes next in our family: my mind skates off the page like a plastic knife off polished granite.

So I reckon he must be pretty good.

I think "my mind skates off the page like a plastic knife off polished granite" is particularly treasurable and applies to my reactions to so much theology!
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Manipled Mutineer

Spot on! I love hatless's contributions around here. He keeps coming up with stuff like that.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
I love Kelly.
quote:
Probably no sooner had Jesus spoken most of his words intended for comfort, there were already people processing out the loopholes to further Mankind's endless I'm Better Than You contest.
from the Purgatory accountability thread.
Right back atcha, babe.

Also, you're the first person to quote me (other than myself) in a long, long time. [Tear]
 
Posted by OliviaG (# 9881) on :
 
From the Christianity/bondage thread in Purg:
quote:
Originally posted by Real Ale Methodist:
God is Present, Sex is divine: but that does not mean I turn to my partner and say "This reminds me of one of Chrysostom's homilies".

OliviaG
 
Posted by dogwonderer (# 12169) on :
 
The inimitable comet, in vintage form, in Hell (apologies for profanity):

quote:
You all stand there and whine about the sky being green despite the whole fucking world saying, "look! see my sweater? that's blue. see how the sky is? that's blue too." and then you freaks say, "yeah, but my point is that the sky is green, not your sweater!"

it's like talking to a fucking magic 8 ball.

Sheer class.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
[Hot and Hormonal] gosh, Thanks, dw!

Mirrizin in Hell, on the salvation by faith/works neverending thing:

quote:
Though if you link that theology to eternal damnation you make God out to be an incredible meanie.
one sentence, and he sums up my problem with this thing completely. and simply, too. The Force is strong with our resident ninja.
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
From the Styx thread on Gordon Cheng's second banning, a masterpiece of a metaphor by Gort:

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
quote:
Originally posted by Davy Wavy Morrison:
I'm so thankful saccharine cliches are not banned...

Barnacles aren't either. But every so often they have to be scraped off when the ship begins to lose headway.

 
Posted by samara (# 9932) on :
 
I am tempted to plaster this all over the place, but I will content myself with immortalizing it here.

quote:
Originally posted by Ian Climacus:
And people wonder why I'm often quiet about my Christianity: no shame of Christ; shame of fellow Christians who are nutters.


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Spiffy hits another home run (from the ken Hell thread).

I've had my first baptism in fire in a retail job this weekend.

I'm now very good at saying "I'm sorry" while meaning "Fuck off and die, you waste of skin.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Check yourselves, y'all.

quote:
Originally posted by comet:
Never underestimate the ability of our fellow Shipmates to make a ten course meal out of crackers and cheese whiz.



[ 25. July 2007, 03:35: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
dang you're fast! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by dogwonderer (# 12169) on :
 
Jimmy B:

quote:
Well I had lunch at a classy restaurant while surrounded by beautiful women discussing ladies' fashion, specifically dresses with wrap around look top bits and the price of Louis Vuitton handbags. As I am a gentleman and a skilled conversationalist, I was able to contribute to the discussion... "Yes. I think that look is very flattering on some ladies" [Thought bubble: Orrr, fuckyeah! That looks so totally hot! More girlies should take the puppies out for a walk!]

I may have to write a book... The gay boyfriend in wolf's clothing or, How to pull Sheilas by feigning disinterest.

Outstanding.

[Killing me] x100
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
dang you're fast! [Big Grin]

Kelly beat me to it by a short head. You're showering sparks these days, which I reckon must be normal for a comet.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I wanted to beat the stampede of folk I knew wanted to quote that. [Biased]
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Gort in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Davy Wavy Morrison:
Sex? What's that?

If you have to ask, you're not mature enough for it. Go play with your biblical action figures.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Starbelly on Film:

quote:
Originally posted by starbelly:
I tried watching Borat last night, but gave up after 40 minutes as it failed to raise a smile even once.

quote:
Also just watched "World Trade Center" and actually laughed more than any other emotion, I must be a heartless bastard...

Neil, you are a special, special man. [Tear]
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Trudy demonstrating outstanding modesty with a single comma:

quote:
Trudy, Scrumptious Purgatory Host

 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
[Killing me]
 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
On the neice-kicking thread, lots of people appreciated this from ken;
quote:
Heaven isn't always nice. Once there was a war in heaven. And someone got cast out.
TTP
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
I'm changing my sig, but I wanted to save Davy Wavy's quote for posterity. It's from a larger discussion on cricket that for some reason was going on in Styx. I suspect if you understood cricket this would be less funny; same probably if it was in context (somehow?). I think it's hysterical!

quote:
Even no-balls are usually outside off stump, or even leg stump, going towards silly leg or leg slip, which means bodyline is being applied...

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Comet, correct me if I am mistaken, but don't we have a rule that all posts must be in English?
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Well said, 206 !
quote:
quote:

Originally posted by ken:
So (in a Christian context) "cult" has overtones of a church that has replaced God with something else.

In my anecdotal experience the replacement item can be the bible. I'll leave the horses unexhumed but I'm beginning to believe 'the love of certainty is a root of evil'.
(from the Purgatory thread, "When your church is really a bit like a cult?")
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
RuthW, on raising one's cultural awareness by reading the Ship:

quote:
Honestly, the only reason I know who John Howard is is because Aussies on the Ship bitch about him.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Another candidate for Ship's tagline:

quote:
Originally posted by Jimmy B:
That's so mean.

I wish I'd said that.


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Zappa made me smile in the "When I was your age" thread in Heaven:

quote:
It's such a relief to know I can't save the world. Or even relate to it.

 
Posted by Petrified (# 10667) on :
 
Mad Geo of Comet

quote:
Your Alaskan, Of course you'll survive in a breakdown. You'd probably know how to eat bark and catch a weasel with your bare teeth and cook it over a fire you lit with two rocks and a pair of high heels.


 
Posted by Izzybee (# 10931) on :
 
Spiffy has given me the new mantra for my current flip-flopping crappy version of faith:

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
instead of saying, "OK, people are pulling stupid stunts in the name of Almighty God, I'm going to do some good and be the best man I can be in the name of Almighty God to balance it out", he tossed the Baby Jesus out with the bathwater.

I have a feeling I've done that lately...
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Some moments just need to be saved for posterity:

quote:
Originally posted by welsh dragon:
quote:
Originally posted by scarletpumpernickel:
So, in that light, I am viewing with untempered disgust the fact that this forum allows a private board dedicated to bondage and sado-masochism[snip]

You can shiver me timbers all day long, but in no uncertain terms, these people need to walk the plank.

Yes. They should be punished! Punished Very Severely! Punished, I say! Punished without regard to mercy...

 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Mousethief in the "I'm not easily offended..." thread in Purg (as opposed to the one in Styx and the one in Hell [Roll Eyes] ):
quote:
Not that my opinion matters a rat's ass, but by symmetry neither does yours.

[Overused] Sig line, anyone?
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Some moments just need to be saved for posterity:
quote:
Yes. They should be punished! Punished Very Severely! Punished, I say! Punished without regard to mercy...

Thanks Kelly (and WD), this made me laugh hard!

[ 20. August 2007, 06:42: Message edited by: comet ]
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Once again, from The Comet in hellion mode!

"doesn't the idea of a whole pack of comet-wolves just sound like too much fun?"

[Overused]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
[Big Grin]
I noticed a chill 'round the ol' inferno and found this:
quote:
Originally posted by dolphy:
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
Stare into my eyes. you're feeling very relaxed. all your stresses melt away.
repeat after me: Hell is nice. It's warm here. I belong with the cool kids in Hell...
[Devil]

[Paranoid] It is warm here. I belong with the cool spankers in Hell.
Just for the record! [Devil]
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
OMG, I am not worthy! [Overused] [Big Grin] [Biased]

(one day I will be a hell host, oh yes!)

[ 20. August 2007, 22:06: Message edited by: dolphy ]
 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
comet, once again telling it like it is! :

You'll all just have to start calling me "Your Majesty Queen Creature of the Night"

[Overused]
 
Posted by El Leona (# 12834) on :
 
"Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done."
- Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying

[Paranoid] Ouch!
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
From Tina in Heaven:
quote:
Legend has it that when Victoria and David Beckham were married they had pennants emblazoned with their initials, and couldn't understand why everyone over a certain age was sniggering.

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
quote:
Spiffy, Offended thread in Styx:
Is there anything more to discuss? The OPer has said, "OMG ur not Xtian!" the denziens have replied, "That's nice, who are you again?" and the world has gone back to equilibrium.



[ 23. August 2007, 02:18: Message edited by: Campbellite ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Rarely do I quote an entire post, but I was very moved by this from Irreverentkit:

quote:
While slave owners were reading epistles (Slaves, obey your masters) to their slaves, somehow the slaves that could read got a hold of the Exodus story, and the words of Jesus.

They believed the core of the teaching, that God cares for the widowed and orphaned, that God wants to set people free, and that God died as beaten and abused as any slave ... for that.

The gospel is for underdogs. Underdogs who hear the Gospel, realize this truth. You can be a slave on a plantation, a gay person in the closet or a kid bullied day in and day out at school ...

It keeps you going. It gives you hope.



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...and by this from Mousethief:

quote:
And as a very good preacher once said to me, "If you love your wife more than you love God, it's not because you love your wife too much. It's because you don't love God enough." Without going into the sticky problems differentiating love from indulgence, neediness, etc. -- speaking of real love and not its substitutes, in other words: we never love anybody on this earth as much as they deserve. The balance can't be made right by loving other people less, but only by loving God more.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
RooK is just so good at his job.

quote:
I hope you get stuck in an elevator with piped in Boy Band muzak.

 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
From the Daily Offices Refreshed thread, which recently went into a tangent regarding cats... um, assisting during daily prayer.

quote:
Originally posted by Hart:
Cats can recognize worship -- they got enough of it in Ancient Egypt. What they can't recognize is when it's not directed towards them.


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
ken in the 'Men and Women' thread in Purg

quote:
You don't have to die to lose the evolutionary race, you just have always end up crying in the kitchen at parties

 
Posted by rugasaw (# 7315) on :
 
ken is on a roll. Posted in Pugatory on the human-animal hybrids thread.

quote:
We vertebrates are basically worms lying on our backs and talking out of our arseholes.

 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
He certainly is! Too long to post here in full, but this must be the best account of Scottish history, ever!
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Welease Woderick in the AS: Little Britan thread
quote:
If I go to the office and grab the service manager by any part of his anatomy that seems handy and slap him about, in a Quakerly manner, until he gets his team to go and fix it would that be an unChristian act?

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
PhilA on extra-virgin olive oil (hydrogenated Hell thread):

Bollocks to all this 'Super-extra-never-even-seen-a-picture-of-a-willy-virgin olive oil drizzled slowly over a desiccated Frenchman's left tit' crap.
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
ken again, on education

English secondary schools are not very nice places. They manage to combine a level of intrusive discipline which any decent person would find offensive with the failure of that discipline to actually improve behaviour.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
OliviaG gets to the core of St. Chrysosdom's prayer:
quote:
Where two or three are gathered in His name, it's potluck.
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Pure as the Driven Yellow Snow (# 9397) on :
 
I don't post there often, but sometimes I feel that the prayer thread is the real heart and work of the Ship, and all the rest an entertaining playground.

It's an amazing feeling knowing that there are people praying for me all over the world. There have been times when I have posted, then been able to sleep knowing that someone, somewhere will be praying.


Huia
 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Triple Tiara:
He certainly is! Too long to post here in full, but this must be the best account of Scottish history, ever!

I would say, if you think Scots history began with the Stuarts and ended with the Stuarts, or even centred totally on the Stuarts while they were on the throne, that you suffered Anglican Amnesia, except you are RC, which I thought gave immunity from that particular form.

Jengie
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Och, my blood is Scottish. Admittedly I have not lived in Scotland, but tis still Scots I am. I do not have the prejudices you imagine. But you must admit ken's was a good yarn, no?
 
Posted by Cottontail (# 12234) on :
 
I liked it!
 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Triple Tiara:
Och, my blood is Scottish. Admittedly I have not lived in Scotland, but tis still Scots I am. I do not have the prejudices you imagine. But you must admit ken's was a good yarn, no?

Yes a good yarn but about the Stuart Dynasty, not about Scottish History. I believe a certain John Knox and a few too many martyrs (on both sides) were happened during this dynasty in Scotland and didn't these Stuart's get to be kings and queens of England as well.

Jengie
 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Blessed to be able to claim Scottish ancestry myself, I too was delighted by Ken's fine yarn. Dame Antonia Fraser's Mary, Queen of Scots (fascinating but not nearly so much fun) did give the impression that John Knox really knew how to spoil a cocktail party, but nowadays everybody's got one or two friends like that whom we invite anyway because we like them for other reasons.

Best wishes,

Mary, who looked at portraits in Scotland of people from long ago with my same surname, and was amazed to notice that they all had a nose just like mine! Either the members of our clan have all had this funny nose down the generations, or those folks should have found a better portrait-painter.
 
Posted by Wet Kipper (# 1654) on :
 
Rather than discussing the relative merits of someone's post during a discussion, can we please instead keep this thread for showing exmaples of fine quotes

thanks

Wet Kipper
Circus Host
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Foxymoron has a lightbulb moment, in the Quantum Mechanics and God thread in Purg:

quote:
I feel giddy, in a conceptual sort of way. Thanks very much.

Yer all me besht mates, hic. [Yipee]


 
Posted by dogwonderer (# 12169) on :
 
Golden Key, on Quantum Mechanics and God and Stuff:

quote:
I don't think anyone knows all that much. There are lots of puzzle pieces; and, since we have zillions of ideas of what the whole puzzle looks like, we disagree on how to put it together. We even disagree on whether it's all one puzzle, and whether all the pieces are REAL puzzle pieces.
Deep, but shallow. I love it.
 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
Rook:

The bad people who want to kill you include me. Except I want to do it with a spoon.

Signature material, except I'm too nice. [Angel] [Two face]
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
From churchgeek, in Purg:

quote:
Sin doesn't scare God. God scares sin

 
Posted by Mertseger (# 4534) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
I always give such things a pass at big events, though. Because I believe at big events the MC says, "We can't please everyone, so let's be sure to include at least one thing for everyone of every churchmanship to be kinda cranky about. Then they'll be united in Christian irk.

"United In Christian Irk."

Now, there's a worthy candidate for an SoF marketing tag-line.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Eliab on hair removal, in Hell:
quote:
I don't know why women should not want to look as if they were mammals. Particularly as the tits are such a giveaway.

 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Ken - on space travel, and specifically on the 50th anniversary of the launch of Sputnik 1.

quote:
I know this is Purgatory but for once I would just like to say what I really feel about the OP without any attempt to justify it:


Oh gosh ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow ogosh ohwow wow!

[Smile] [Cool] [Cool] [Smile]

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!


Shiny!

[Yipee] [Razz] [Razz] [Yipee]



Pity you don't seem to be able to quote smilies - I get the impression he's a fan, y'know...

AG
 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
From Manipled Mutineer, somewhere in Eccles:
quote:
... with all the respect of a drunken necrophile in a cut-price morgue.

 
Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :
 
Posted by Emma in hell:

'By golly the Ship has changed'.

[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]
 
Posted by Emma. (# 3571) on :
 
[Angel] I'm very slow to notice. Its like watching a kid grow - don't notice they've done it but if you only see them now and then its obvious!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
And just a minor side issue - not a Hell call, not a Heck call even, maybe just a Blimey call...

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Good day for quote collecting:
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I like to get all my news from blogs, especially if for some reason the Fox News website is down.


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Yes, I saw that and want to add my own [Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I love when Minimalism trumps 40 pages of dialogue:

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Nostalgia these days isn't as good as it used to be.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Unsurprisingly, Arietty delivers a Zorro- like riposte:

quote:
Originally posted by Arrietty:


Anyone who draws on Terry Pratchett to provide an icon of evil is fluffy to their candyfloss core.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
No place is perfect. But this place is pretty darn good.

[Big Grin]

I'd suggest this for Ship's tagline, but it's a little too Lutheran.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Everybody is being so freaking funny lately. Duchess, on a malfunctioning link:

quote:
I actually sat looking at that link for a moment, looking for something profound. I feel like that guy in Close Encounters of the Third Kind with the plate of mash potatoes.

"This means something."


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
In Eccles, The Silent Acolyte goes from Oxford and the Prayer Book to modern geekdom in one easy bound:
quote:

Noughth Week? Holy Moley. Does that really mean zeroth week. If so, the C Language has older roots than I thought.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
I'm pretty much not much of a fan of any creature where I'm obliged to handle its feces for as long as it lives. Now that I think about it, I'm having difficulty justifying being a Hellhost.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by dogwonderer:
quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
What do atheists shout when they orgasm?

Dawkins! Dawkins! O, Dawkins.... I'm coming!

 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Wow, a whole week without quotes. So it's time for:

Amazing Grace in the Styx:
quote:
It would have been better for all involved if people had asked for clarification before doing the standing conclusion longjump.

Solid advice.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Janine offers linguistics in a nutshell:

quote:
English is the bastard result of a Norman Conqueror trying to make a date with a Saxon barmaid.



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
..and you are there!

quote:
when i sit wrong, it makes my butt tingle most uncomfortably.


(from Mousethief)

[ 19. October 2007, 07:35: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Kelly, I could have gone all day without that mental picture. [Eek!]
 
Posted by Cod (# 2643) on :
 
I rather felt the same about;

"Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, put your hands all over my body" Madonna, adapted).

It was a sig. I can't remember whose.
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
..and you are there!

quote:
when i sit wrong, it makes my butt tingle most uncomfortably.


(from Mousethief)
I enjoy seeing my posts quoted in the Quotes file, but this isn't necessarily the one I would have chosen.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
What I have written, I have written
-Pontius Pilate
 
Posted by Catrine (# 9811) on :
 
Karl:LB, once again hits the nail on the head

quote:
...hotdesking, which is Satan's way to get you out of your current job and out of your mind in one go.

 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Revolutionist:
Love is not love that stops at duty's end.

Once in my life (hopefully) I might say something this eloquently. Kudos to T.R.!
 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
From Rook in Purg:

quote:
Omnivorous plus empathic equals quandary

 
Posted by OliviaG (# 9881) on :
 
And from the same thread, comet's argument for vegetarianism:
quote:
lets face it, beans just struggle a lot less.
OliviaG
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
You gotta admire someone with that special gift for turn of phrase.

quote:
Originally posted by Erin:
You'd have to be pretty damned stupid to not realize that a throwing a cigarette butt out the window into dry brush is as much a risk of starting a fire as lighting a match. I mean, too stupid to count your balls and get the same number twice.


 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
In Purgatory, the Beggar thread

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:
All false Idols have a down side to worshipping them, a cost (pun intended). Giving money away is a good way of helping to keep Mammon in his proper place.


 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Foaming Draught:
And here's me thinking a myelin sheath was some sort of plastic condom.


 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
IngoB's recipe for world peace:
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
I share your concern. I think it would not be hard to re-write IngoB's list of reasons for affirming Abraham in this matter to justify, for example, religiously motivated terrorist bombings.

If every potential suicide bomber confirmed that he's truly listening to the voice of God by waiting with his attacks until he has successfully impregnated a post-menopausal 90 year old woman by natural means - then I think the world would be a lot more peaceful than it is now. (Except for a few old ladies, admittedly.)
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Adeodatus is on fine form in the Phred Phelps thread in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
While it may be true that if you preach the truth the world will hate you, it doesn't follow that if the world hates you, you must be preaching the truth. The world may be hating you because you're an arse.


 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
What I have written, I have written
-Pontius Pilate
That's what I'm having on my tombstone. Seriously. My last answer to over-enthusiastic editors.

Here's a nice one from Beautiful_Dreamer:


quote:
If you are persecuted for your faith when you haven't done anything, count it a blessing, but if you are being rebuked for being a jerk, that is on you.

 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
Mousethief in the "I'm not easily offended..." thread in Purg (as opposed to the one in Styx and the one in Hell [Roll Eyes] ):
quote:
Not that my opinion matters a rat's ass, but by symmetry neither does yours.

[Overused] Sig line, anyone?
That reads so oddly... like, was the Mousethief telling someone their opinion doesn't matter, that they have an asymetrical ass, or that their ass doesn't matter...?
[Paranoid]
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
Wouldn't you like to know!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Regarding Fred Phelps:

quote:
Originally posted by SearchingForAbsolutes:
If he wasn't a clergyman, I'd think he was manipulative.




 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus (on a thread in Purg on prayer):
Maybe God called me to be a priest because he couldn't trust me to pray if it wasn't actually in my contract ... [Biased]


 
Posted by Manipled Mutineer (# 11514) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Earwig:
Adeodatus is on fine form in the Phred Phelps thread in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
While it may be true that if you preach the truth the world will hate you, it doesn't follow that if the world hates you, you must be preaching the truth. The world may be hating you because you're an arse.


Came down to post just that.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:

That's, like, Freudian on top of Freudian. Like Sigmund Freud sitting in his office listening to you drone on about your dreams of your mother, while he carefully slips a condom on his cigar.


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:

That's, like, Freudian on top of Freudian. Like Sigmund Freud sitting in his office listening to you drone on about your dreams of your mother, while he carefully slips a condom on his cigar.


Ach, you beat me. My keyboard is covered in crisps.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
From Janine in the prayer thread:

quote:
What I want most is a functional brain!
If you find a supplier please let me have the address, I've been looking for years!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(cough)
 
Posted by dogwonderer (# 12169) on :
 
ken:

quote:
Just as I was begining to think that Mormons really weren't crazy mixed-up autocratic anti-Christian sexist racist neo-pagan flat-earthers with their heads up their shaved clean arseholes inside their funny bondage pants - along comes one to spread the word and restore our first impression of the cult.

 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Posted by Matrix on the Rob Bell thread in Purg:
quote:
"Once we've done all the things Jesus explicitly told us to, we'll start pontificating on the stuff he never mentioned"


[ 02. November 2007, 22:20: Message edited by: Esmeralda ]
 
Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by dogwonderer:
ken:

quote:
Just as I was begining to think that Mormons really weren't crazy mixed-up autocratic anti-Christian sexist racist neo-pagan flat-earthers with their heads up their shaved clean arseholes inside their funny bondage pants - along comes one to spread the word and restore our first impression of the cult.

Its really naff commenting on your own quotes in this thread, but I feel honour-bound to try to point out that this deliberatley OTT rant was, in its Hellish context, meant to look rather more ambiguous than it reads when isolated like this. And it certainly does not represent any considered opinion about Mormons (0r anyone else much)
 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
From Welease Woderick

quote:
Ice cream is very good for guilt, I recommend it
Jengie
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
ken in Hell:
quote:
Is this just some Tweedledum-Tweedledee-tweedlediscourse where the words you use communicate nothing because you redefine them to mean whatever you fancy them to mean from moment to moment?
I must find a way to use "tweedlediscourse" in my regular life...
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I have seen the economic light,thanks to Ricardus:

quote:
Originally posted by Ricardus:
In a mixed economy we all screw each other and hope it cancels out in the end ...


 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by OliviaG:
And from the same thread, comet's argument for vegetarianism:
quote:
lets face it, beans just struggle a lot less.
OliviaG
Bunnies struggle more on the way in.

Beans struggle more on the way out.
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
No Estonian Orthodox, if you please thread in Purg...

MouseThief's quote at the end cracked me up the bestest, albeit Sober Preacher's Kid's "Almost Protestant" quote is quite funny as well. Perhaps this comes from me checking out the Orthodox plot on my own, then staying a Prot myself. [Big Grin] -dutch


quote:
Originally posted by MouseThief:
quote:
Originally posted by Sober Preacher's Kid:
quote:
Mockingbird:
First of all, relations are poor between various jurisdictions and ethnicities. "Barely on speaking terms" is how a friend of mine, who married a Russian Orthodox woman, describes the relationships among various orthodox communities in the U.S.

Almost Protestant, isn't it? [Devil]
Except for the bit about us having identical dogmas and virtually identical worship services, yeah.

 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
From the duchess:

quote:
I have said the same thing to EVERYONE I can...my kidlets, to the friend I lost to being a pot-head...the secret to happiness is helping people. Basically jobs. Every job you do in some small or large way, helps people. There is a blessing inside all people to find happiness in helping others.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Schroedinger's Cat:
quote:
God - if he is from you, thank you, and do you mind if I take him to a charity shop?

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sine instructs us in spelling:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
There, there now. They're not so bad. Although their faux pas can be annoying.


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Thanks, Twilight. I actually was mortified at my very long run-on sentence. Glad you liked it. [Smile]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
"Why did the thread on Pat and Kate in The Amazing Race end up in Dead Horses?"

quote:
Originally posted by Mertseger:
However, I figured that no matter where I started the thread, it would end up here since as a gay, married, female clergy couple they need only start teaching evolution at an abortion clinic while singing "Shine, Jesus, Shine" to achieve full Dead Horse coverage.



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Alternate reality:

quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
I'm still wondering how the hell you call someone to Hell if they spend all their time in Hell anyway.

I mean, supposing I ever wanted to do that.

What would I do, climb up to Heaven and bait them until they show up there, then dare them to be just as insulting and dog-pile-prone as they want to be, but force them to do it with a smile on their lips, a song in their heart, and a bunny in their pocket?


 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
Off-ship... also alternate reality:

"I'm dating the Pope. I'm just using him to get to God." -- Judy Tenuta
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Posted by Ariel in Purg:

quote:
I sometimes wish I could have a tape of silence that I could play at top volume to drown out some of the background noise that you inevitably get in a block of flats, or on public transport.
[Smile]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
From Hugal in Heaven:

quote:
I think I'll give up paying attention to food scares and issue a blanket "Well, we'll die of something, we might as well enjoy the bit where we're still alive."
Amen to that!
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
From Dogwonderer on the "Calling Anoetas" thread in Hell:
quote:
The only place you're likely to satisfy everyone is in a room full of mirrors.
I'm filing this for future use...
 
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
Spiffy, on medieval Catholic religious reformers:

quote:

pretty much the first thing to go after the shoes was luncheon.


 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
What? It's true! I'm doing scholarly-type study on the subject!

I actually came down here to post this bit from the current Hell Call, which gave me joy of both a literary and insult-ory nature.

quote:
Originally posted by OliviaG:
quote:
Originally posted by Anoetos:
Now, you can go ahead and call it a "flounce" or whatever other Austenism you may wish to employ but I'm going to declare victory and leave the field and you may all kiss my nether regions.

You know, Jane Austen's novels are available as searchable e-texts on the internet, and the word "flounce" does not appear in any of the six major works. Your nether regions obviously contain everything you know about Austen: shit-all. OliviaG

 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze
Frankly the last thing you want in a dairy product is epistemological uncertainty.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ah, shit Gwai, you beat me to it.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
aj provides technical support in Heaven:
quote:
If you step on the cable carefully (the ethernet cable between the modem and the router) you can slow down the speed, in a similar way to when you step on a water hose the water pressure at the end drops. Problem is, when you take your foot off, the data that had built up around the squeezed bit can all hurtle down in one go, leaving you with a security patch, a McAfee update and the latest `must have' rendition of iTunes all in one go, before you've even responded to the first bobbing MSN messages for the day.

Not snappy enough for a sig, but advice worth keeping around nonetheless.
 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
Ken likens praying the rosary to personal hygiene, love it!

quote:
So working though five mysteries worth of meditation at a sitting would be a substantial part of your day, an hour or more, but doing one a day might be not much more time than brushing your spiritual teeth.

 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
From the Nestorians thread in Purg, this lovely quote from Liverpool Fan

Turns out I'm a 100% Pelaganist, or however one spells it.

Well I'll be damned.

 
Posted by Callan (# 525) on :
 
This, from Alogon, was priceless:

quote:
Isn't it strange: when the U.S. government gives aid to a poor American, the result is indolence. But when Hamas gives aid to a poor Palestinian, the result is a fanatical devotion even unto death, that makes the world tremble. We just can't win, can we?

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
In All Saints: I'm Confused thread
quote:
originally posted by Janine:
You make yourself sound like you can't even muster up enough faith to be a good atheist.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I'm seriously considering making this my sig:

quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
Here's how I've managed to get through this thread:

(1) Read post. Feel blood pressure start to rise from anger.

(2) Think to myself, "liturgical dance."
[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Pete Canada tried to post this one but it got lost:

Crooked Cucumber:


quote:

If God had wanted us to be a bunch of miserable, po-faced gits, he'd have made us all atheist

I may make that my signature!
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
In a rather redonk Hell call, a glimmer of light appears:

quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by Trin:
Are we allowed enemies?

We must be because if we couldn't have any we wouldn't be commanded to love them [Hot and Hormonal]

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Speaking of a scary-assed son-of-a- huckabee:


quote:
Originally posted by comet:
... geez he's like his own halloween costume.

you could threaten children with him.

"eat all your veggies or David Huckabee will get you!"


 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
In the 2008 Death Pool thread from our one and only Campbellite:

quote:
Michael Jackson - Where but in America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman?
[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]

[ 26. December 2007, 15:08: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Infinite Monkey in Heaven:


quote:
I think pretty much EVERYONE does Hallelujah better than Leonard Cohen--his lyrics are genius, but his voice sometimes sounds like he was sucking on the bottom of a fish tank while he waited for the mic to show up.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by dogwonderer:
quote:
Originally posted by neil.pars:
there are countless disused or local christian recipes covering much of the year
as the year is largely a secular food zone
does anyone have (or want to create) date/person specific recipes

I have a date recipe. Date and walnut cake. But it may not be nutty enough for you.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Kelly, on Tiger management, in Hell:
quote:

Any agency that doesn't adequately prepare itself for human stupidity is bound to wind up in deep shit at some point.

I so wish this could be the signature line on my work email.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(whyshucks. [Hot and Hormonal] )

Ordinarily, I don't like to select quotes that single folk out, but as the target of this particular bon mot from Rook has shown a wonderful sense of humor about the issue in question, I'm trusting he'll smile at this:

quote:
Wha?

wubba wubba wubba (shaking head vigorously)

Max is not only talking about something other than a self-involved view of religion, but doing so in a manner that is, by all appearances, sensible and reasonable. I'm not sure whether to be affirming or to check for signs of his recent emergence from an alien pod. Has he really grown so much?

Quick, Max: I've just recieved a blessed sacramental wafer from a catholic priest, and I'm about to stuff it in my pocket and walk to the satanist bus stop... What do you do?


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Sine, on the Gort thread in Hell:

quote:
Nothing is as it appears these days. Nothing. You think it's your charm and sex appeal turning them on but it's actually Levitra.


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
Kelly, on Tiger management, in Hell:
quote:

Any agency that doesn't adequately prepare itself for human stupidity is bound to wind up in deep shit at some point.

I so wish this could be the signature line on my work email.
It's wonderful, isn't it! I think I'll cross refer it to the Wycliffe Hall thread ...
 
Posted by Jimmy B (# 220) on :
 
Mm. RuthW on 'nice':
"Nevertheless, being nice is highly over-rated."

[Not sure I agree, but, it is snappy.]

[ 09. January 2008, 00:54: Message edited by: Jimmy B ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spong:
Why, Lord? Why do you do it? Why do you let these idiots latch on to half a dozen verses of Scripture and proclaim themselves the True Believers (TM)?

Why do we have to go through it every damn time one of them discovers this board and thinks 'Wow, here are a whole load of people who are In Error, and I can teach them the True Path, even though I am an epsilon submoron with the IQ of a gnat and the emotional intelligence of a piece of 4 by 2?'

And how, Lord, how is it that you give them brains, and eyes, and ears, and hearts, and all of that, and they think 'Now what will make these people realise that they are In Error? I know - I'll put up some hackneyed bit of codswallop from Charismatics 101 that they have all seen a hundred times before, but my amazing powers of persuasion will mean that the scales will fall from their eyes, even though I do it in the most insulting way possible.'

Why Lord? Is this some sort of test? Because if so, I'm sorry but I've failed again...

[Waterworks] with [Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by OliviaG:
I could really, really use a drink... OliviaG

Honey, you're host material.
 
Posted by mrs whibley (# 4798) on :
 
From apprentice jackanapes on the 'Christians and drunkenness' thread:
quote:
Re: "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery"

I spent years looking for this particular vintage but generally found only "...wine, which leads to self pity, rejection and hangovers", so I gave up. [Paranoid]

Fabulous!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Banner Lady:
US election coverage is certainly in overdrive - everywhere - even downunder. After watching the primaries and Hilary Clinton win; my husband turned to me and said "If a black American was elected as President I reckon he'd be assassinated within a year. And it would be the FBI that did it."

I had no idea he knew so much about American politics...


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
A RooK masterpiece from the Gort thread

quote:
It's like Hell sometimes has the power to transform people into 6-year-olds with a sugar high and not enough sleep.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Our Spiffy on Literature:
quote:
Ah, Laurell K. Hamilton. I was a fan of her books, particularly the Anita Blake series (wherein the lead character is a half German half Mexican short, fat, heavily armed Episcopalian. I've thought about suing her for royalties).

 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
LydaRose, on the "Good songs ruined by bad grammar" (or whatever it's called) thread in Heaven, during a discussion of the song, "What if God was one of us?"

quote:
As for God being a slob, perhaps the ubiquitous entropy of Creation might be considered a red flag.

 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
SpikeyPants on the Mondegreens thread in Heaven:

quote:
Four hundred children? No wonder Lucille left him!

 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Ian Climacus on the Welcome in Eccles thread:

quote:
And if some fool blasts you, or rolls their eyes, because St Pretentious of Wankville didn't mention it in his book An Exact Guide to How Worship Must Be Celebrated to be Acceptable Before the Face of the Almighty and Any Deviations Shall Send You to the Place Where The Worm Devours and the Fire is Never Quenched, [revision 2.1354, 33 A.D., Self-Righteous Press], tell them to get stuffed:

 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
On the Eccles folks' outing in Hell, Living in Gin compares both ends of the spectrum of liturgical intolerance:

quote:

The fact that you were born with a large altar candle up your arse instead of a King James Bible doesn't make you any less of an insufferable prick.


 
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
A wonderful description of Hell from amber32002:

quote:

I've seen Hell... It reminds me of the wrestling matches on the tele where you wonder if the whole things's fake but you still don't want to be in the ring...


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
On the Eccles folks' outing in Hell, Living in Gin compares both ends of the spectrum of liturgical intolerance:

quote:

The fact that you were born with a large altar candle up your arse instead of a King James Bible doesn't make you any less of an insufferable prick.


Dammit, Geek ya beat me .
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
Did you notice this gem from LATA in Hell?

quote:
I'm a big fan of sin. It prevents a heck of a lot of bitterness later in life.

Now that's a thought to conjure with!
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
On the C******* and Fucking thread in Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
And lo, the LORD did place a collect call to SIMON. And, after SIMON accepted the charges, the LORD said unto SIMON, "Build Us a SHIP, so that all who love Us can quibble endlessly about meaningless shit. It makes Us laugh."


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by PhilA:
From comment #21 in the link in the OP:
quote:
They’re bullies, and they don’t realize that most normal people find humor in the frailties of the strong. Bullies, on the other hand, think that the frailties of the weak are hilarious.
I think sums it up very well indeed.

 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Zach82, on yet another pointless Hell thread:
quote:

I don't like lima beans, ferrets, or chunky peanutbutter... perhaps I should start a hell thread...


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Lamp Chopped, in Heaven, on a thread about dreams:
quote:
I didn't want the dragon. Or maybe I should say, I felt a bit sorry for it, but I didn't want to have to take care of it. But I got stuck with her.

I once got a Chihuahua in much the same way. In real life, I mean. And a rooster.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Sorry to double-post, but I just spotted this gem by Rossweisse in Purg thread (Rudy Giuliani).
quote:
Sometimes nothing but overstatement will do.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Dang, I get quoted here for the weirdest things. And after all my gems of wisdom, too. [Snigger]
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Lamb Chopped, if helps, I quoted you (out of context) to my sister where you said.
quote:
Someone gave me a dragon last night. I was pissed.
She was impressed.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
[Killing me] I'm glad to note you're from Chicago. If you had been one of our Brit shipmates, "pissed" would have an entirely different (but appropriate) meaning!
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
OTOH, what else can one do to cope with the unexpected gift of a dragon? [Killing me]
J
writing from Texas
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
By Mostly Noble Pixels in a (whispering tentatively) Hell thread.

quote:
Shine, don't whine; you'll be just fine.

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Sorry for this triple post, but I have difficulty resisting this temptation.
quote:
It's a corrupted fertility festival. Pass me some chocolate.
by RooK, in Hell.
Makes me wonder if he's okay, requesting chocolate.
 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
This about the Exclusive Brethren from Matt Black deserves preservation for all of us who understand it. Concerns calling out hymn numbers in services of worship.

quote:
Originally posted by Matt Black:
Same with the Exclusives, except the old ladies wouldn't have done the bingo-style calling (as they don't have willies) and no organ (double-entendre intended).



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
***EGO MOMENT. DEAL.****

Dammit, this is one of the funnier things I have ever written on the Ship, and I am doggone well preserving it:

quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:


When I first joined the Ship, we had a thread in which people gave the title of their autobiographies-- mine was The Definition of Insanity; or, If The Raven Keeps Saying 'Nevermore', Why Do You Keep Asking It So Many Goddamn Questions?

Nowadays it would be more like I Seriously Don't Give A Fuck: My Journey of Self-Acceptance.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Getting lots of mileage for this out of Hell...
quote:
Don't bother answering, 'cause my giveadamn's broke.
Courtesy of Spiffy da WonderSheep
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
Oh, thank you Spiffy! You're my best source. I'm still using your "What to the power of ever".
 
Posted by MouseThief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by art dunce:
Arrogance masquerading as false humility is yucky.

(From a thread on the importance of not "indoctrinating" one's children into believing something the OP finds untrue.)
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
*blushes*

It's actually a quote from a Jo Dee Messina song, titled "My Give a Damn's Busted".


quote:
Well, I really wanna care.
I wanna feel somethin'.
Let me dig a little deeper:
No, I'm sorry.
Just nothin', you know.
You've really done it this time, ha, ha.
My give-a-damn's busted.


 
Posted by Josephine (# 3899) on :
 
From Anna B, in Hell:
quote:
I may not be chaste, but at least I do not have St. Jacqueline of Farmington confused with Monica Lewinsky.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
ken from The Bible Non-stop: Genesis thread:
quote:
God promised he would never wipe everything out in one go again. And the world will carry on turning for as long as it exists, and there is going to be weather and plants and food and stuff like that, pretty much however bad people got.

God was so pleased with this new policy deal that he announced it twice, having already told everyone about it in the previous chapter. And then he signed both sides of the agreement himself, because he is God and so he can get away with that sort of thing. He didn't sign it on paper but on the sky. In big bright glowing colours, which is only possible because he designed the laws of physics just right so that it would work. Being God, he can get away with that sort of thing as well. And he does like to show off a little bit now and again.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
infinite_monkey from the Hellish This is not.... just.... Easter tat....
quote:
Let my Peephole go!

Oops, wrong Testament.

Triggers images of Charlton Heston carved out of a Yellow Peep, making the above demand to an Easter Dalek carved into the shape of Yul B.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ya gotta love Old testament humor.

Every time I read this, it cracks me up:

quote:
Originally posted by BWSmith:
And Shem was Abraham's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. Gen 11:10-26


 
Posted by Ahleal V (# 8404) on :
 
I think this particular Hellpost sums up why I love the Ship.

x

AV

quote:
Originally posted by ken:

Myrrh: I believe in God and I think priests are good.

TT: so do I

Myrrh: No you don't you are a Roman Catholic, Roman Catholics believe in a different God, the Divine Arnold, a giant plastic lobster at the bottom of the garden who eats Jewish babies for breakfast so that they can go to Hell unbaptised. And they have pretend priests who go around play-acting Jesus Christ and trying to conquer the world.

TT: No, we believe in the same God as you and our priests are pretty much the same as yours as well.

Myrrh:
But the Blessed Father David Danielovich Kaminsky wrote:
quote:

The Visigoths in Spain abandoned their Arian heresy and became nominally Orthodox, but in fact they were whoring after an intriguing combination of crunchy shredded vegetables, salty Chinese sausage and oyster sauce rolled in whole-wheat pancakes. Because of this, in the Last Days when the Master of all Masters comes back, those fake priests will fail to get out of their barnacles and put they'll be in the hot cocolorum for ever!

TT: No, we really do believe in God and we really do have priests and I'm not pretending to be anything.

Myrrh: Your "god" is not really God at all but a seafood dish popular among dockworkers in fifth-century Carthage. As the Holy Magnus Bollokides of Machynlleth wrote:

quote:

About 666 AD the monks of Athos revealed to the world a recipe handed down to them from the Apostles in person containing mayonnaise, celery, and fresh burned heretic placed on a heated hot-dog roll that has come to be known as the "Famous Fanar Island Heretic Roll". This shows that God pours His grace upon mankind, and has done so from the beginning. God has been moving towards us the whole time, unless we are Catholic Serb-murdering lying scumbags of the sort who started the First World War in order to spread Frankish corruption over Romanity. We keep backing away from God, that's the real theology of Sin. But he will catch up to all of us (all that is who aren't pseudo-Protestant Western commy pinko bastards) no matter what we say (other than the evil "filioque" of course), its just whether or not we've decided to move towards him or keep backing away that's going to determing what the experience is like - either theosis or being burned alive in a pit of raw prawns with sharpened nippers while begging castrated Augustinian monks to piss on you. That's why a bright light shines over Pelagius's grave even though the Bishop of Cape Cod warned that it is "heresy to go about with such tales". Religion is a neurobiological sickness with a specific cure of simply divine whole fried clams handed down by the prophets and soux-chefs of Orange and Marseilles, which those whose brains are infected by the Augustinan virus cannot even think about without exploding in a fountain of Calvinist puss

TT: I suspect that that might not be from an entirely reliable source.

Myrrh: Fucking liar of a pseudopriest! You only say that because you hate me and want to pretend to be Orthodox to insult my mother's grave! I'm going to tell on you in Hell you EVIL STALKER!!!!!!!



[ 04. February 2008, 18:03: Message edited by: Ahleal V ]
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
From Moth in Purgatory.
quote:
Just as I should never be allowed to arrange flowers (no artistic eye for it all) they should never arrange their own romances.

 
Posted by J Whitgift (# 1981) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ahleal V:
I think this particular Hellpost sums up why I love the Ship.

x

AV

quote:
Originally posted by ken:

Myrrh: I believe in God and I think priests are good.

TT: so do I

Myrrh: No you don't you are a Roman Catholic, Roman Catholics believe in a different God, the Divine Arnold, a giant plastic lobster at the bottom of the garden who eats Jewish babies for breakfast so that they can go to Hell unbaptised. And they have pretend priests who go around play-acting Jesus Christ and trying to conquer the world.

TT: No, we believe in the same God as you and our priests are pretty much the same as yours as well.

Myrrh:
But the Blessed Father David Danielovich Kaminsky wrote:
quote:

The Visigoths in Spain abandoned their Arian heresy and became nominally Orthodox, but in fact they were whoring after an intriguing combination of crunchy shredded vegetables, salty Chinese sausage and oyster sauce rolled in whole-wheat pancakes. Because of this, in the Last Days when the Master of all Masters comes back, those fake priests will fail to get out of their barnacles and put they'll be in the hot cocolorum for ever!

TT: No, we really do believe in God and we really do have priests and I'm not pretending to be anything.

Myrrh: Your "god" is not really God at all but a seafood dish popular among dockworkers in fifth-century Carthage. As the Holy Magnus Bollokides of Machynlleth wrote:

quote:

About 666 AD the monks of Athos revealed to the world a recipe handed down to them from the Apostles in person containing mayonnaise, celery, and fresh burned heretic placed on a heated hot-dog roll that has come to be known as the "Famous Fanar Island Heretic Roll". This shows that God pours His grace upon mankind, and has done so from the beginning. God has been moving towards us the whole time, unless we are Catholic Serb-murdering lying scumbags of the sort who started the First World War in order to spread Frankish corruption over Romanity. We keep backing away from God, that's the real theology of Sin. But he will catch up to all of us (all that is who aren't pseudo-Protestant Western commy pinko bastards) no matter what we say (other than the evil "filioque" of course), its just whether or not we've decided to move towards him or keep backing away that's going to determing what the experience is like - either theosis or being burned alive in a pit of raw prawns with sharpened nippers while begging castrated Augustinian monks to piss on you. That's why a bright light shines over Pelagius's grave even though the Bishop of Cape Cod warned that it is "heresy to go about with such tales". Religion is a neurobiological sickness with a specific cure of simply divine whole fried clams handed down by the prophets and soux-chefs of Orange and Marseilles, which those whose brains are infected by the Augustinan virus cannot even think about without exploding in a fountain of Calvinist puss

TT: I suspect that that might not be from an entirely reliable source.

Myrrh: Fucking liar of a pseudopriest! You only say that because you hate me and want to pretend to be Orthodox to insult my mother's grave! I'm going to tell on you in Hell you EVIL STALKER!!!!!!!


[Killing me]

(And yet at the same time soo true.)
 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
ken again, on enjoying a Hillsong hymn, on the in the Good modern worship songs thread:
quote:
And - I'm sorry about this - I'm really really sorry - in fact I-confess-to-Almighty-God-and-to-you-Shipmates -here-present-that-I-have-fallen-short-in-my-music -and-my-lyrics-in-what-I-have -sung-and-what-I-have-left-unsung-and-I-ask -blessed-Johan-Sebastian-Bach-and -all-the-Choir-of-Angels-and-you-too-fellow-Ship mates-to-pray-for-me -to-the-Lord-our-God-May-almighty-God-have -mercy-on-us-forgive-us-our-lack-of -musical-bad-taste-and-bring -us-to-everlasting-harmony -with-the-saints-harping-on- before-the-Throne-Eternal - did I say I was sorry?

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
RooK, while talking about ostracism:
quote:
Ding ding ding! Gort wins the cupie doll.

I believe my particular loathing of those who voted for Dubya has been well-documented on these boards. Sick, twisted idiots, the lot of you.


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
Sine, on Jackie Collins' novels:

quote:
They're great fun. It's the kind of thing you'd like if you like that kind of thing.

 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
The Bible, Non-stop ... Swish

That's a bit rough. Some passages are quite dull and ordinary, really.
 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
ooops - wrong thread [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Zappa - I found a way for you to redeem yourself. From the thread questioning why a shipmate posts in Eccles.
quote:
...obscurantist wank music is not an altogether uplifting vehicle of gospel-joy
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
RooK, in Hell, obviously:

quote:
You need to be bludgeoned sensible with a big ol' knobby stick of Fuck You.

 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Bean Sidhe, on why the Ship is so addictive:

quote:
It's the adrenaline, the drama, the sex... and then you realise, even Eccles isn't the whole of it.
Made me laugh out loud, and scare the cat.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
More great moments in finding a SOFV Genesis. Isaac's prayer, as regarbled:

quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:

Anyway, Isaac prayed about this saying "Father God, I just wanna say that I really wanna have a kid and your daughter Rebekah wants to have a kid, and I just wanna say, Father God, that I thank you for laying it on my heart to want a kid, and on your daughter Rebekah's heart to want a kid, and Father God, if it's your will, could you make it so that sometime when your daughter Rebekah and I are playing hide the salami, that we could get a bun in the oven?"




 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Joyeux:
Zappa - I found a way for you to redeem yourself.

Phew.
[Yipee]
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Left at the Altar on the Aboriginal Hell Thread:

I reckon there are two Jesus fellas. The first one is the one most of you look up to. Quiet. Considered. Smart.

Then there's Party Boy Jesus, who recruited the Sydney Evangelicals, and all their ilk.

Party Boy Jesus is the kind of guy who starts Mexican Waves at the footy and the cricket and says "Wey-heeeyyyy, I am the waaaaayyyy lads" and all his new followers go, "Wey-heeeey" and forever do Mexican Waves for Jesus. And they go around trying their hardest to make everyone like them, annoying the piss out of the rest of humanity.

And the day after a recruiting like this, Jesus can be seen up in Heaven, holding his throbbing head in his hands and saying, "Faaaarkkk. Why did I have those last 7 beers?". And God looks at him and says, "You've got to stop bringing people like this back home, son."

But it's too late. The Party Boy Jesus recruits are on the loose. And they're bloody annoying.



[ 13. February 2008, 20:29: Message edited by: Spiffy da WonderSheep ]
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
It's a day apart, it's not a double post!

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel, in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by daisydaisy:
How many shoppers have you seen demonstrating outside the supermarkets on Christmas Eve demanding they be able to buy hot cross buns or Easter Daleks?

Easter Daleks? [Ultra confused]

From the Book of Who:

And after the Doctor had been shot by the Daleks, his sorrowing companions put him in the Tardis and went off into space. And on the third day, he came out of the Zero Room and showed himself to them, saying "It's me, I've regenerated." And they were confused, because he didn't look anything like the last Doctor. But he convinced them it was him, and that what they must now do was exterminate the Daleks.

And they went to Skaro and blew it up and this is why we have Daleks at Easter now, for the Doctor said, "I wish I hadn't done that, I'm going to miss them," and the faithful Martha or Rose or somebody took pity on him and replied, "O Doctor, thou art wise, but I bet they'll be back in the autumn. But meanwhile here is a chocolate cake in the shape of one." And since then people on Earth have always had Daleks at Easter, and there are demonstrations outside supermarkets when stocks run out.


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
There is an absolutely priceless, deadpan exchange to be witnessed in the There Will Be Blood thread in heaven:

quote:
Originally posted by Mamacita:
Is the film terribly violent?

quote:
Posted in response by Questia:
Well, there was blood...

I can't be the only one to find the combination of the title of the movie and that exchange about it to be screamingly, inadvertently funny.
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
Yet another of many reasons why I flock with the individual, independent congregations of the churches of Christ. It is a little harder for us to become a mega-million-dollar pervasive unstoppable juggernaut of boobs screeching "duh, them ignorant savages need to have their culture wiped out and become Just Like Us or else they can't get to Heaven".


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Posted by Louise in Dead Horses:
quote:
The First Rule of Conservative Fight Club is you do NOT talk about What God Does With The Biscuits.
I want a bumper sticker that says this.
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Autenrieth Road in Heaven
quote:
I must project a strong aura of "I will never knowingly swim in a pool that has had a dead rat in it."

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Lamb Chopped
quote:
It's terrifying, and what's worse, it's boring.
in Heaven, referring to dreams.
 
Posted by mrs whibley (# 4798) on :
 
Lamb Chopped is on a roll - this time from Purg.
quote:
I know that when I've been most conscious of the Holy Spirit preventing me from grinding up Mr. Annoying in my cavernous marble jaws, those around me simply said, "She's a nice person." GRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrr. As if.

 
Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
I thought someone would have got here before me with this, from Lady in Red on the 'Why are Christians so boring?' thread:

quote:
Jesus didn't die just so that we could have ugly fridge-magnets

 
Posted by CuppaT (# 10523) on :
 
I liked this from up in Styx:

quote:
Originally posted by jlg:


The Ship is, and always has been, replete with murky gray areas. Hell spills a bit into Eccles and Purg; Heavenly bunnies and Purgatroidal lecturers invade Hell; Kerygmania sneaks into Purg; Dead Horses (real or imagined) pop up everywhere!

It's just the way it is.


 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
JonJ on the EU:

quote:
The European Federation, sounds good, a bit like Star Trek - I'm in. "Captain, the Klingons have stolen our butter mountain."

[Killing me] [Overused]
 
Posted by Athrawes (# 9594) on :
 
From Rowan, in All Saints

Sadly, when one puts one's glasses on, one finds life a lot clearer, but more boring...
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Y'know, there should be a "guideline' that when there are 3 notworthy's after a post, it automatically gets Quotesfiled.

quote:
Originally posted by ken:
Guidelines are for wimps and lawyers!

All we have to do is make sure that on the one hand we sensibly stick to the tried and tested principles laid down by precedent without falling into the trap of rigid adherence to unneccessarily and artificially inflexible regulation; whilst on the other hand we excercise the responsibilty of adult freedom in a creative, imaginitive, and caring manner whilst taking care not to lose our way in the potentially chaotic morass of choices opened up by the unhelpful indulgence of wasteful licence.



[ 08. March 2008, 03:27: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Ooh, a gem from Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard, after an argument with Freddy:

quote:
Bugger. You're right aren't you. And persistently gracious even though you're WRONG. Sod you.

 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Faust, in his/her Hell thread about perishable diaphragms:
quote:
Oh, indeed, I was sorely tempted. But down-weighed with failure from previous ‘mendings’, I stayed my twitchy hand and sagely committed to sleep upon it. (I tossed and turned fitfully as my rapid eyes moved across a fantastical lurid scene of gaping flanges and pipes bulging with scalding hot liquids, which burst ruinously through membranous dams to flood lush forested valleys). I awoke, calling out and drenched in cold sweat, profoundly exhausted, and called Bob the Plumber. A real man knows his limits.
For some reason, I derived undue enjoyment from that.

AG
 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
Sine Nomine, in the Be a Better Troll Hell thread:

quote:

(Of course there is the school of thought that says I should treat them like they were Jesus in disguise but the last time I tried that to a homeless person at church he got obstreperous and we had to have the police come take him off in a patrol car - which just proves something. I'm not sure what - Of course Jesus was taken off in a patrol car too, metaphorically speaking, so there you go. I guess we did treat him like Jesus.)


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Mirrizin in Purgatory describes another of those wacky irregular verbs:

quote:
I have strong principles that I think are non-negotiable.
You have strong opinions that I believe are unreasonable.
He/She/It is a fundamentalist.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sorry for the length of this one, but sometimes you want to preserve an exchange just to reassure yourself later that you did indeed read it:

quote:
Originally posted by Saint Hedrin the Lesser-Known:
quote:
Originally posted by St.Silas the carter:
quote:
Originally posted by Max.:
Ooh - I have another one.

Youth Minister at my old Secondary School did communion at our CU (I wasn't happy with that in the first place) but he did it with Twix Bars and Cherryade!

As people ate the twix bars (I refused) he said "Think of the Crucifixion, the bones breaking and the pain - this is what he meant by "This is my Body""

And as people drank the Cherryade he said similar stuff about blood outpoured!

It was cringeworthy and he promised never to do it again whilst I was around!


Max

I thought there weren't any broken bones in the crucifixion?
Anyway, I managed to nearly smash a thurible on the bottom step of the sanctuary a week ago! But I have a good excuse for making mistakes with the incense.

There were no broken bones, per the prophecy. So the use of the Twix™ bars was wrong with the reference to the bones. I would have used Ritz Bits myself.... [Biased]



 
Posted by Conte Oberto (# 9004) on :
 
Sine Nomine in the "Romans" thread in Hell, to IngoB:
quote:
So much high moral tone must lead to an explosion sooner or later.

 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
IngoB, to Sine Nomine, also in the "Romans" thread in Hell:
quote:
Frankly, my depravity-o-meter hardly twitches for this vanilla stuff. Fuck a dead goat on an altar in front of a kindergarten audience, or something... Be more creative. There must be a "Depravity for Dummies" book to get you started.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Leave it to Spiffy to top the Twix Bar story:

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
quote:
Originally posted by JArthurCrank:
No, but I know of an extant video where a [blah blah blah] dropped the Body of Christ down the ample exposed cleavage of a bride's dress and fished it out himself[.]

Been there, had that done to me... but after a shared look with Deacon (who did the dropping), I fished the MSBaBoOLaSJC out myself.

And before you ask, no, I wasn't wearing a particularly low-cut shirt. Women of a Certain Endowment (such as myself) pretty much present a clear target for dropped foodstuffs, whether they're eating at a restaurant or kneeling to receive on the tongue.

(And no, I didn't burn my bra, neither.)


 
Posted by Conte Oberto (# 9004) on :
 
String of three from "Romans"

quote:
quote:
------------------------------
one-man Sin of Pride Parade
------------------------------
I bet the dance music isn't very good at that parade.
------------------------------
And the only dancing allowed is choreographed by Ingo himself.


 
Posted by mirrizin (# 11014) on :
 
From Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard, on An Anglican Question:
quote:
Reading less and relying on heretics sanctified with the mold of millenia isn't an improvement, but does tend to make one more liberal.

 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Choirboy:
Have you seen what these people do to natural resources? If anyone calls you a human resource - RUN!


 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
On the Romans thread in Hell
quote:
Originally posted by Yerevan:
That pretty much sums it up. I'm not going to start on the Vatican until I manage to be something other than "a disgrace and a blot on Christendom" myself. That could take a while...


 
Posted by Conte Oberto (# 9004) on :
 
The Romans thread in Hell is productive of memorable quotes, huh?
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Another one from the Romans thread. The identity of the one being mocked isn't the issue here, but GCL has parodied superbly:

quote:
The thread should be about over, the cherry is on the cake Foaming at the Mouth has given his two cents on Catholics, he always eventually shows up. Here Foamy Foamy Foamy!! Come out come out wherever you are! It's 2,000 variations on why he has no use for Catholic folks. It's kinda like pouring maple syrup or treacle on the kitchen floor and wait for the ants.


[ 17. March 2008, 12:54: Message edited by: Triple Tiara ]
 
Posted by caty the southerner (# 11996) on :
 
On the Female Priests thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep:
My mother always told me a true lady could (and would) completely eviscerate a person without resorting to physical violence. I try to live up to her teachings as much as possible, but sometimes find the directness of a well-loaded handbag to various portions of anatomy much more satisfying.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I like your style, churchgeek.


quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
I have no problem agreeing with the Pope, when he's right. [Razz]



 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
ken, about coffee
quote:
The chains are tightening around the city! We are under siege! Our way of life is in danger! They are closing down our pubs and replaing them with cheap plastic copies of airport catering outlets. Resist Starbucks! Death to the Franchises!

 
Posted by Conte Oberto (# 9004) on :
 
Lamb Chopped about being called names from the Romans thread in Hell:
quote:
Frankly, I don't mind being called a heretic and a schismatic. Or Schismatick. Or whatever.

As long as you aren't coming to burn me at the stake, I'm content to let the Lord sort it out. (Get away with that gasoline...)

:
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Og: Thread Killer about being a better troll

quote:
I despise bad trolls...they are worth playing tether troll with.

 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Iole Nui:
Patience followed by violence seems to be the way to handle wet electrical goods.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
adso, in Heaven

quote:
I'd rather have a large bar of Dairy Milk without the plastic packaging. You get to be more eco-friendly and get more chocolate.
I heartily agree!
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Zappa, on Easter Joy in AS:
quote:
Christ is risen. Sometimes I'm buggered if I know what it all means, but it seems pretty good to me.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
DmpInJeff, on the way to handle those who steal from you...

quote:
Then I daydream of how, in the spirit of Christian charity, I could reach out to the poor thief... and kick the crap out of him.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
"Wherever two or more of you are gathered in my name, so I am there in your midst." Does that work?
-------------------------------------------------

If I were a bigger person, it would -- certainly it works for my definition of the Body of Christ. But I'm both weak and petty, so I want a few other things in the church I attend, such as some like-minded fellow parishioners, Anglican liturgy, and music that doesn't make me want to hurl.

(honest comment by RuthW)
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
On the Coffee Culture thread in Heaven, Lumpy da Moose gives us words to live by:
quote:
Life is just too damn short for crap coffee. Get the good stuff.

 
Posted by Spiffy da WonderSheep (# 5267) on :
 
Some excellent advice for people of all ages.

quote:
Originally posted by ken:

First lunch. Then party. Then bed. On any day of the week.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I love this thread so much.

quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:
"Simeon and Levi, the two of you suck so much you're together just about maybe worth one son, so I'm going to tell the two of you together straight out: you suck. You thought I'd forgotten that slaughtering of the Shechemites thing, didn't you? No such luck. You're not going to get to live gathered together like your brothers' descendants; no, you're going to be scattered all over."

Genesis 49:5-7


 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Hugal, in a thread on a well-known TV chef (Delia, for thr brits amongst us).

quote:
I have to admit seeing her use canned minced beef feels like catching the Pope with a porn mag.


AG
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
The theology geek in me loves this sort of in-joke...

Hart explains what REALLY happened on the Emmaus thread (which bumped forward when someone posted and then withdrew their post):

quote:
They didn't delete it; as soon as you understood the post, it disappeared from sight.

 
Posted by Auntie Doris (# 9433) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
Hugal, in a thread on a well-known TV chef (Delia, for thr brits amongst us).

quote:
I have to admit seeing her use canned minced beef feels like catching the Pope with a porn mag.


AG
I laughed out loud at that comment. In the middle of the office which meant I had some funny looks directed my way. Again.

Auntie Doris x
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
quote:
But -- I will accept parents' "faith-only, prayer-only" stance about their kids' health, when they also stand and pray over their plumbing, their cars and their pest control problems. Rather than calling a plumber, a mechanic and The Bug Man, I mean
by Janine, in Hell.
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
A series (almost a call-and-response) going on in Hell at the moment, starting with Arietty:
quote:
Yes, but are we completely sure RooK isn't the Pope?
Spiffy adds:
quote:
At the very least the Popemobile would be cool once again.
RooK's reply:
quote:
What kind of sockpuppet personality do you think the Pope might assume on The Ship? If poster on The Ship is a secret presentment of the Supreme Pontiff, it's Siné.
...
The Pope might secretly desire to express crassness and vulgarity, but I doubt he wants to pretend to be stupid.

(sorry for the double post, but I had to catch this exchange!)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Girls on Film:

quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
I hated Moulin Rouge all the painful way through. It was so dull, I picked off a hang nail.




[ 31. March 2008, 02:56: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
This gave me a chuckle:

quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:
It's all fun and games until someone tries to immanentize the eschaton. [Paranoid]


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
A pithy summary in another Hell thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
Oh dear. The fewer people care about something, the deeper they seem to care. Hooray for blogs.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
From the same thread, mousethief

quote:
Four stupids don't make a smart.
(So many of the best quotes come from Hell. Has anyone else noticed that?)
 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
quote:
I don't care if you carry your bollocks in a wheelbarrow. If you wanna be called Sheila, it's "Yes, Ma'm" for me.
From Gort, naturally [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
On the Max thread in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Linguo:
It's a pretty damn proficient attention whore who can have a five-page thread still running more than a week after his departure. [Roll Eyes]


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Girls on Film:

quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
I hated Moulin Rouge all the painful way through. It was so dull, I picked off a hang nail.



Yay! I made it through here with something true from my past! [Axe murder] [Yipee]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Didja like the Duran Duran reference? Didja, didja? [Big Grin]
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Didja like the Duran Duran reference? Didja, didja? [Big Grin]

OH MY GOSH I missed that! Awesome! [Killing me] [Overused]
 
Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
Classic Rook, on the Altarman and the SSPX thread
quote:
If you were to fall overboard while I was at the wheelhouse, the only reason the Ship might back up would be to try to hit you with the propeller.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Gill H on the lonely people thread in Purg:

quote:
See, I find just the opposite. The church is one of the few places where you do find the uncool, the lonely, the odd. Where the first are last and the last are first. Where the burger flipper worships next to the accountant. Where Little Old Ladies rule the world.

If my church isn't like that, it isn't following Jesus. And it's up to me to do my bit to change that.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Reason #275 Why Chorister is My Hero:

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Actually I quite like being boring. It's fun.

You gotta problem with that?


 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
From ken, in the "My Jesus, My Savior...?" thread in Purg:
quote:
There is not much less welcoming to your neighbours than running away into the desert, locking yourself in a hut, and refusing to talk to anyone except angels and lizards for six days out of seven.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
from Ruth W on the 'Involving the really poor' thread:

quote:
Sometimes the clueless among us have contributions to make that we'd recognize if we thought about it for a while and talked to them about what they might like to do. And when the only contribution someone can make is their presence, that becomes an extremely valuable gift to be given and received.



 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Classic Hell Thread Closures:

quote:

CRACKS HOSTLY WHIP

This thread has exceeded the allowable level of stupid per given thread and must be annihilated, as per Ship Directive 238.77 (Hell) subsection b.

Thank you for your cooperation.
THREAD CLOSED.

comet,
HELLHOST



 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Oh dear. This is just... indescribable:

quote:

Originally posted by tomb:

quote:

Originally posted by Campbellite:

quote:
Originally posted by tomb:


...recognize a metaphor ....



What's a metaphor?
.
.
.
.
.
It's a place to keep your cows.


I don't keep cows in my metaphor. I keep my cows in the basement. I'm not gonna tell you what I keep in my metaphor.



 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Multipara in Hell:
quote:

Fuckwits, like the poor, are with us always.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ah, what a great-follow-up.

Totally out of context, perfectly innocent comment I know will be useful in the future:

quote:
Originally posted by Rossweisse:
On the plus side, the narcissi are lasting a lot longer than they usually do.



[ 14. April 2008, 01:03: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Kelly, on a geeky thread in Ecclesiantics:
quote:

That's pretty impressive. Nice work, God!

I can't argue at all!
 
Posted by beachpsalms (# 4979) on :
 
Jengie Jon, in the Jerusalem thread
quote:
Yes all hymn books need some dross if only because we cannot all agree what the dross is.

 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
I thought this, from Uncletoby in Purgatory, was worth preserving:

quote:
The word 'indefinable' may be definable, but that which is indefinable is not definable, by definition.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
BWSmith, grousing after a series of exchanges with his theological nemesis, Lamb Chopped:

quote:
Originally posted by BWSmith:
I think I'll go start a thread on how much I like Pepsi, just so I can hear how much LC likes Coke. [Roll Eyes]



[ 17. April 2008, 03:10: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From the newly-started EXODUS: the Bible Non-stop thread over in Kerygmania, this gem from Nigel M:

quote:
The world's most powerful national leader's daughter was overcome with compassion. “One perceives this to be one of the plebeian cuties” She said. Joinette scampered up at this point and said, “Would it pleasure One if I were to acquire the services of a Pleb to attend to this Junior Pleb's needs, perchance?” (A wily young lass, that. Pride of the Tribe).
"Would it pleasure One..." ?!! [Killing me]
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Barnabas62:
People who are sure they are right and others are wrong don't necessarily make as much effort to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

I just love the understatement of that...
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Originally posted by Ariel
quote:
Well, that should put a stop to those shipmates outside the UK who want to buy half a ton of knitted zebras.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Note to self- Do not take a swig of anything while hosting, in case Lamb Chopped just posted:

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Inconsequential tangent: I would dearly love, some day, to find a culture where any ambiguous situations were automatically assumed to be about accounting. Ah, says she, in hushed tones. If you really knew what went on with that expense account....


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
New keyboard's in the mail. [Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Definitely a keeper. I bet God tapes stuff like this up on His fridge:

quote:
Originally posted by Faust:
Dear Christian God,

You don’t know me- I’m an atheist.

God, if You exist, which You probably don’t let’s face it, I wonder if You’d be omnikind enough to omniignore the fact that I don’t go to church or say those Hale Merrys or stuff, and never ‘open my door’ to Your baby boy Manuel who is Alive not dead, even though he knocketh if I would but listen? Please would You turn an all-seeing blind eye to the fact that I don’t believe in You and sometimes even try to convince others that You’re not actually real, and still not forsake me when I do open my heart by asking You to help number six just a little bit in the two-twenty at Kempton so that it may run quicker than all the other horses that You created without any evolution or anything, just like that. And also, please would You accept my apologies for using your son’s name in vain the other night- that can hardly have been appropriate can it? Oh, and sorry about all the reasonable doubt, God, but it’s not really my fault when You keep yourself so secret all the time and made those fossils is it? I’m really, really sorry for what I did to that Gideon bible at school when they gave them out, and hope You will find it within Yourself to forgive me someday. That’s got to be the worst sort of Karma, hasn’t it? Sorry for saying Karma in a prayer, too. Anyway, praise You for Christmas and all the presents and things, and thanks very much for killing the devil. One day I’ll definitely become a Christian (just before I die- if I get the chance! Touch wood, eh!), so if possible, please could I have a Porsche in advance?

Lots of love, Faust.


 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
From BWSmith in Kerygmania, with regard to inerrancy:
quote:

So to reiterate, the Bible is, according to inerrancy, a book that floats 6 inches off the ground.

(DISCLAIMER: Provided that the definition of "floats" and "6 inches" is systematically clarified so that it only APPEARS to be sitting on the ground, which should not be mistaken for not floating at a height of 6 inches, given that the divinely-inspired authors of the Bible probably conceived of an "inch" as something very, very tiny, and that the normal separation between touching objects at the molecular level could technically fit a working definition of "floating".)


 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From Autenrieth Road on the EXODUS: the Bible Non-stop thread in Kerygmania, following a citation error giving Genesis 3 for Exodus 3:

To the woman, I WILL BE said, "You shall have pains in childbirth." Moses said, "What woman? It's just you, me, and the bush here!" I WILL BE put on his reading glasses and flipped back and forth muttering "In The Beginning... Second Law... Census... Priests... where is They Went Out?" "Ah, here we are," I WILL BE said in I WILL BE's normal voice.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Man, that four-line sig rule sucks sometimes:

quote:
Originally posted by Loveheart:
I was responsible for this the other day:

The wonderful thing about Jesus
Knowing Jesus is a wonderful thing
His heart is full wide and open
He's our Saviour our Lord and our King
He's bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy
Fun fun fun fun fun
The wonderful thing about Jesus is
That he's the only one!

[Hot and Hormonal] [Hot and Hormonal] [Hot and Hormonal]


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Y'know, them atheists are durn funny:

quote:
Originally posted by Faust:
quote:
Originally posted by Call me Numpty:
The problem is that Atheists have no idea that even the air they breathe belongs to God.

[Roll Eyes]

Every time we sigh, we give it back.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Man, that four-line sig rule sucks sometimes:

quote:
Originally posted by Loveheart:
I was responsible for this the other day:

The wonderful thing about Jesus
Knowing Jesus is a wonderful thing
His heart is full wide and open
He's our Saviour our Lord and our King
He's bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy
Fun fun fun fun fun
The wonderful thing about Jesus is
That he's the only one!


I wonder if the line breaks could be adjusted so the above wouldn't break the sig rule - use the slash mark / to denote a new line.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Nope, there's a character limit that I'm pretty sure it exceeds.
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
comet, in Hell:
quote:
I can't decide if it's your souls I want or just some yard work.
Be careful of the payback possibilities should comet grace you with a favour!
 
Posted by chive (# 208) on :
 
comet again in Hell:

quote:
My understanding of what Jesus said, obviously paraphrased, goes something like this:


quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
there is one God.

Now that I am here, you all can stop doing that crazy Old Testament violent shit. I am the way, the truth - not spooky boogyman stories from Leviticus.

Grow the fuck up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

or something like that.

Genius
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Gosh. [Hot and Hormonal] thanks, gang!

from the same Demons Hell Thread:
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Gather ye garlic while ye may,
While demons are a-flying,
For the same thread that grows today
Tomorrow may be dying.

The glorious host o’ hell, the comet,
The more stressed she’s a getting,
The sooner will our race be run
And nearer we’re to setting.

Then be not shy, but use your time,
And while ye may, be silly;
For having lost but once her mind
She’ll slap us all to Philly.

I love a good Robert Herrick satire. [Big Grin]

The last stanza is the best.
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Rook on the "ideas are bulletproof" thread

Originally posted by mjg:
I was stating the undeniable fact there haven't been any significant terror attacks in the US post 9/11.

Rook: You stated it alongside the coincidental and mostly-incorrect statement about the current status of al Qaeda, implying causation. It was a rhetorical flourish which is incapable of being sustained by one isolated fact; facts, when placed arbitrarily next to opinions, do not thence magically turn those opinions into more facts.

Ten for style, ten for content.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Telepath, responding to a fashion-challenged person who sounds remarkably like me!

quote:
I have to admit, my first reaction to the first link was, "YIKES, people will be able to see my ASS!"
People can already see it. The only way to hide it is to stand behind a building, and you'll have to come out sometime, and you probably want to put some clothes on first. It's got something to do with the law.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
When you're elsewhere as a shipmate you're representing us to the world, and if you're acting like the pathetic pricks you all really are it makes other people think we aren't the cosy little fucking lovefest we strive to be
From the inimitable Comet, in Hell of course...

The only thing that surprises me is that no one else has posted this yet.
 
Posted by Loveheart (# 12249) on :
 
Aw Kelly! I'm touched - I think this is the first time I've been quoted, and I really feel I've arrived now ... [Hot and Hormonal]

.... even if it were for some dreadful song I wrote to amuse a small child who likes Tigger [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
Divine Outlaw Dwarf sums up 'family values':
quote:

I tend to think that families come about through love, and it's a tad difficult to legislate for love. Experience suggests, however, that things such as houses and incomes are handy for families. Politicians tend to start moralising about 'family values' when they've given up trying to do anything substantial in respect of these former things.


 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Ken, in the Purg thread on whether conservatives are happier than liberals:

quote:
If its not the Youth of Today its asylum seekers or bendy buses or bishops or bishops wives or Catholics or chavs or child protection services or China or council estates or dropped aitches or Estuary English or falling house-prices or French or Germans or Godless Evolutionists or Gordon Brown or greengrocers or high oil prices or hip-hop or hoodies or insensitive church restoration or Iranians or Irish or Jews or journalists or Ken Livingstone or kids who cycle on the pavement or Kossovans or liberals or Londoners or loony-left councils or low oil prices or misused apostrophes or mixed bathing or mixed choirs or modern art or modern liturgy or Mullahs or oil taxation or paedophiles or Palestinians or Political Correctness or Protestasnts or public transport or queers or rising house-prices or Scots or social security or social services or social workers or socialists or speed cameras or split infinitives or strikers or tax or teachers or terrorists or the asians or the bin-men or the blacks or the Channel tunnel or the courts or the EU or the foreigners or the Fundamentalists or the immigrants or the Miners or the Muslims or the schools or trade unions or Turks or vegetarians or women priests.
Ken, you have surpassed even yourself.
 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
Ken, in the Purg thread on whether conservatives are happier than liberals:
Ken, you have surpassed even yourself.

Seconded. But you missed the last line:
quote:

I blame the parents myself.


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
From Dafyd, on the "Literary Quality" thread in Purg:

quote:
The popularity of the Left Behind books does not for a moment make me believe I am missing anything by not reading them.
Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you...
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
The coiled spring, in Hell, on how seriously the apostles took their responsibility to the environment:

quote:
Even though it is not mentioned in Scripture, I do believe Paul turned down the offer of a Nissan 4x4. I did hear that he prefered to walk as that meant he could talk to the common people.

There was an occassion when Timothy had got a new bycycle and gave Paul a lift on the handlebar to some city in Syria.


 
Posted by Mrs. Candle (# 9422) on :
 
From comet in Hell:

is it just me, or when a headline declares a family "hacked to death" does it bring up mental images of cats with really bad hairballs?

no?

just me then.


[Killing me]
 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
From Uncletoby, in Hell.

quote:
I can't believe that a loving God could create someone this stupid.
I'm going to have to remember that one [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Comet made me laugh far too long with this one:
quote:
A Hellhost can't leave you lot long enough to get a good night's sleep and trust you not to to start cramming veggies up eachother's backsides.
Since I was at work, I was rather glad no one asked me what I thought was so bloody funny.
 
Posted by beachpsalms (# 4979) on :
 
Augustine the Aleut on the subject of educated clergy...

quote:
...but I have sat too often in a pew watching an incumbent place a surreal construction on Hebrews, easily avoided if they could but understand New Testament Greek, and have watched fewer episodes of Star Trek.
I might, um, print that out and tape it somewhere. Either beside my Enterprise phone, or on the cover of my concordance, I'm not sure which. Maybe both.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:
quote:
Originally posted by Geneviève:
The point is to develop an attitude of giving thankfully, not to nit-pick.

The Lord loveth a cheerful giver,
but He accepteth from a grouch.

[Killing me] [Overused] [Overused] [Overused]
 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
quote:
To leave, or not to leave: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous Shipmates,
Or take a lifeboat 'cross this sea of troubles,
And by departing, end them? To leave: to speak
No more; and by mere silence end
The heart-ache and the thousand Shiply shocks
That Max is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To leave, be still;
Shut up: to be forgot: ay, there's the rub;
For in that landlocked life what grief may come
When we have shuffled off this foolish Ship,
Must give us pause: the Internet
Doth make calam’ty of too public life;
And who would bear the whips and scorns of RooK,
Amanda's wrong, great Dyfrig’s contumely,
The pangs of despised wit, the calls to Hell,
The insolence of poets and the pats
Upon the head, with “Be a good boy, now”--
When he himself might his quietus make
By staying gone? who would mocking bear,
To grunt and sweat through an expanding thread,
But that the dread of tackling “Real Life,”
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
Few travellers return, frightens the will
And makes us rather bear the ills on board
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus Real Life doth make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

Lamb Chopped speaks brilliantly for all who try and fail to leave.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Thanks for preserving that, Twilight. [Big Grin]

Esmeralda proposes a new heresy:

quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
Kelvinism: Many are cold, but few are frozen.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Girls on Poetry:

quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
Fuck, that was good.

(referring to Lamb Chopped's opus above.)

[ 20. May 2008, 04:38: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
IMHO, this is one of the funniest things Mousethief has ever said, ever.

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
You are presumptuous and rude, and I hate the competition.


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
I don't know why but I can't stop laughing after reading this exchange...

quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
quote:
Originally posted by Rossweisse:
...When is Jeffs eligible for parole?

It doesn't matter. Jeffs will die in prison when Bubba sticks a shiv between his ribs.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
IMHO, this is one of the funniest things Mousethief has ever said, ever.

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
You are presumptuous and rude, and I hate the competition.


Can I count this as #5 and move on to 6? [Biased]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...

...

YES, by God! [Yipee]
 
Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
Kelly Henry Higgins Alves [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
Well, it's gotten to two pages and 96 posts which shows how few people actually enjoy their work.

Check yourselves.
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
It's quotes like these that drive me up the wall that RooK is not a self-professed believer...

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Originally posted by Squirrel:
Am I the only one to think that Bush's allegedly deep Christianity is a bullshit line?

While I too might harbour such suspicions, I think that open speculation in that direction is ultimately fruitless. It's a low game to argue the nature of how another person's faith appears to themselves.
This is something some Christians should have framed and re-read time and time again. [Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Laura muses on the troubles of the Uber-rich:

quote:
Originally posted by Laura:
Tragic, that's what it is. Our Lord himself said, in the parable of the sheep and goats: "I was a billionnaire and lost 30% of my net worth in the economic slowdown caused in part by my friends the sub-prime-mortgage investors around the corner and you ensured I didn't have to sell my Rolex."


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Speechless at this one. [Overused]

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Choose your strategic withdrawal carefully. Onan was smote by the Lord when he pulled out.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sine preaches it to the latte crowd:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I once asked the cashier at Starbucks in a loud, carrying sort of voice if the yellow diagonal lines down the side of the building meant 'SUV parking only'.

She snickered, but none of the blond babes in the store even turned a bleached hair.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Somewhere on the campaign trail, Barak Obama smacks his head and says "Why didn't I think of that?"

quote:
Originally posted by Foolhearty:
Silly people. The obvious next step for Obama is to offer the VP job to Chelsea, and appoint her parents as ambassadors to Outer Berzerkistan.



[ 06. June 2008, 05:31: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Nigel M, on Nicodemus' attitude toward Christ:

quote:
Who, after all, likes having a decent theological debate interrupted with statements about God?

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
On the Oz thread in All Saints
quote:
Originally posted by ozowen:
I used to believe in reincarnation, but that was in a previous life when I was a Buddhist. [Confused]


 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
Another from the Ozzies:

quote:
Originally posted by Foaming Draught:
I've had it with baptismal regeneration. It don't work. A couple of days ago, I baptised my mobile phone in a lavatory bowl and it still isn't regenerate.

I've adopted another with the same number (what we term in the trade, Original SIM) while an electronics hobbyist shop lays hands on the immersee. I don't have a sure and certain hope that its light will ever shine again in the world.


 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From Marvin the Martian on this Hell thread, 8th post down; you need to at least read post #7 to appreciate it--

quote:
Some people will only ever learn under the stern tutelage of a swinging bar stool.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I love it.

Hart on being the reader:

quote:
Last week, I'm almost laughed during the reading, but it was nothing to do with the *words* on the page, but rather the ladybug that was wondering all around the book as I was reading from it! I almost felt guilty when I came to a page turn.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Only Janine could compose a beauty like this:

quote:
Also on the way home we were "mooned" by three little boys on the side of the winding road. In keeping with the half-moon above us all, the boys were in profile -- three shiny golden half-butts awash with starlight and moonlight and halogen headlamp light. Ah, beauties of New Mexico, will you never cease?



[ 14. June 2008, 02:33: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
You know, I went and visited the first few pages of this thread (they predate my joining the Ship) and in addition to some wonderful quotes and some folks I don't see anymore (and some I never knew), I've discovered the problem with referencing one's sig instead of posting the quote - because sig's change - and linking to the thread rather than quoting from the thread because threads move around, even in these days of oblivion where (I believe all?) inactive threads languish except the few, the worthy, that make it to Limbo...

I really enjoy the wisdom and humor of the Ship and I hate to think of these gems escaping me so I humbly encourage the posting of the actual words being commemorated (linked or not) in this thread.

Pretty please?
 
Posted by Manipled Mutineer (# 11514) on :
 
TGG spoofing [squiggle]Andrew on a Hell thread:

quote:
As the great St Pikmynos once said, "A donkey in the river eats no aubergines." Actually, that might lose something in translation, but you get the idea.

 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
I'm just entertained by this reaction from Trudy Scrumptious on the More Movie Quotes thread:

quote:
I am going to jump the gun on parsley sage and start applauding NOW, because the urge to yell "John Cusack!!!!!" has just been choking me for the last day or so...
I mean, how often are Shipmates choked by the urge to yell "John Cusack!!!!!" ?!

Well, I thought it was funny [Cool]
 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
It happens to me more than you'd think. [Biased]
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Sine Nomine on delicate theological conversations:

quote:
Sometimes it's difficult to strike exactly the right balance with "I respect you as a person but you're wrong and are going to burn in Hell."

 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
This from Mousethief in that infamous Styx thread just really amused me:

quote:
Do you get donuts in heaven for every time you refuse to back down when you're in the right?
Plus I love the idea of donuts in heaven [Angel]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
There will be donuts at the wedding supper of the Lamb?! wow... who knew?!
 
Posted by rugasaw (# 7315) on :
 
I liked Gwai's mission statement. It seems so true.

quote:
SoF - The only organization that allows one mission statement per member

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege:
There will be donuts at the wedding supper of the Lamb?! wow... who knew?!

quote:
Leviticus 7:12
If he offer it for a thanksgiving, then he shall offer with the sacrifice of thanksgiving unleavened cakes mingled with oil, and unleavened wafers anointed with oil, and cakes mingled with oil, of fine flour, fried.


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege:
There will be donuts at the wedding supper of the Lamb?! wow... who knew?!

quote:
Leviticus 7:12
If he offer it for a thanksgiving, then he shall offer with the sacrifice of thanksgiving unleavened cakes mingled with oil, and unleavened wafers anointed with oil, and cakes mingled with oil, of fine flour, fried.


that's where all the cops are sitting and catching up. I would myself wish to sit at the end of the conveyor belt and let the krispy Kreme donuts drop into my mouth. But that is gluttony and very evil. I would try to just feast on them.

[eta: I am in awe of your awareness of Scripture, MT [Overused] ...and this new donut twist on it. ]

[ 19. June 2008, 04:37: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by Catrine (# 9811) on :
 
By Gildas in the "Thank God for the Irish" Purg thread regarding those

"right wing homophobic scumbags in the DUP - really what with La Robinson and the 42 Day thing I was sorely tempted to send Gerry a telegram saying 'Kill Them All - God Will Know His Own'. Ahem. I digress."

Made me giggle ...
 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
I think all this talk of donuts is God's way of telling me to go get one. Excuse me....
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
On the Royal Order of Internet Bullies thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:

I suppose there are those who enjoy defending the "underdog", with little thought as to whether the so-called underdog has been peeing on the carpet.


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
I'm so proud--my first entry preserved for posterity is about doggy urine.
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
Suck it up, OB, my first one was about hippies smelling like sandalwood and ass.
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
Forgive me for doubleposting, but... COME ON, I had to!

quote:
Originally posted by Max.:
quote:
Originally posted by the_raptor:
The first rule of /b/ is you don't talk about /b/...

And the partyvan is not so fun when it's on your doorstep [Disappointed]

What are you - 14?


 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
On the Royal Order of Internet Bullies thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:

I suppose there are those who enjoy defending the "underdog", with little thought as to whether the so-called underdog has been peeing on the carpet.


Pedantry
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
Pedantry

Well, that would be a lot more interesting if this source or this source backed it up.

Etymology, unfortunately, is one of those fields where the more plausible the story is, the greater the likelihood of its being incorrect.
 
Posted by Angus McDangley (# 11091) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
Pedantry

Well, that would be a lot more interesting if this source or this source backed it up.

Etymology, unfortunately, is one of those fields where the more plausible the story is, the greater the likelihood of its being incorrect.

The second link only gives a definition, not an etymology.
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
But when I watched this, they said it was from the under-sawyer and I refuse to believe that Tony Robinson can ever be wrong.

Credo Baldrick !
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
As long as we're indulging pedantry, back to donuts (!!), fried doesn't appear often and could simply mean 'mixed'... of the three occurrences, only Young translates it 'fried' the first time, only Webster translates it 'fried' the second time, and the third time both Young and Webster translate it 'fried.

I associate bagels (which are boiled and baked) with the children of Israel more than I associate donuts but, that said, there are many good Jewish fried donut-y foods! [Big Grin]

Now, back on track, from the Styx:

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Originally posted by Erin:
Y'all can agree, disagree, think monkeys fly out of my ass, whatever, I don't care.

As an ass-launched flying monkey, I might be inclined to take that personally.


[ 19. June 2008, 22:42: Message edited by: Lynn MagdalenCollege ]
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
Suck it up, OB, my first one was about hippies smelling like sandalwood and ass.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Chelley:
quote:
And for those who'll now cry out ITTWACW - there isn't an eleventh commandment that says "Go into the world and make Shipmates of all nations, baptising them in the name of the Hosts, the Admins and Simon and teaching them to obey everything Erin has commanded you, and Rook will be with you always - spewing forth sarcasm and verbal lashings to the very end of the age."
[Two face]
 
Posted by Manipled Mutineer (# 11514) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
Suck it up, OB, my first one was about hippies smelling like sandalwood and ass.

Actually, technically it was this one, but I think the general point still stands:

quote:

Originally posted by Spiffy da Wonder Sheep:
Snow is bad. Snow is evil. I believe that the Devil redecorated after reading Dante's 'Inferno'.

Mine was about necrophilia, as it goes, so take heart.

[ 20. June 2008, 09:13: Message edited by: Manipled Mutineer ]
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
Suck it up, OB, my first one was about hippies smelling like sandalwood and ass.

Actually, if this weren't here already, someone would need to put it in this thread.
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
the sum total of bonabri's restrained response to a particularly obnoxious post in hell:

quote:
[Attempts to throw hissy fit but just falls over]
I love it. Sometimes, it's really not worth more typing effort than that.

[ 21. June 2008, 05:05: Message edited by: infinite_monkey ]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
Suck it up, OB, my first one was about hippies smelling like sandalwood and ass.

[Killing me]
Oh, dear God, I'm having a flashback to college. [wiping tears from my eyes]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Not often you get a quotes file worthy quote on the actual quotes file [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Gildas (# 525) on :
 
Max has been entertaining us for years. This in particular, on the subject of getting a straignt answer out of a Jesuit, deserves some sort of recognition.

quote:
In 1991 a Jesuit managed to answer a question on whether he wanted a Whisky or a glass of Gin. He wanted Whisky.


[ 22. June 2008, 19:28: Message edited by: Gildas ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Please pause to meditate over the tableau summoned forth from this exchange:

quote:
Originally posted by John Donne:
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
quote:
Originally posted by passer:
Rook Rampant, on a nebulee gules...,

Oh dear. I read this as "Rook rampant in a negligee..."

I must go lie down.

That would be the leather négligée with cut-out butt cheeks and My Little Pony motif. So very RooK 2006. Fashions have moved on, darl.


(Yes: 'Rook Rampant, in a negligee rules')


 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
telephone, on the internet, for smart people - [Big Grin]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Gort on international diplomacy:

quote:
Are we all to die in the Apocalypse of the Big Dicks?

 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
I think I enjoyed this one a litte too much...

Honest Ron Bacardi explains Anglican sectarianism:

quote:
Look on the bright side, multipara. At least [Roman Catholics] take bosoms seriously. Here in Anglican central, we are facing an imminent attack of the splinters, plus possible explosion of the bosom itself.

 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From Zappa, in the Ship Rank and Status Hell thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
quote:
Originally posted by Geneviève:
Well, LC, living in Baltimore it is rather obligatory to root for the Orioles

Being an antipodean I have some problems rooting for anyone, except, of course for my own pleasure and hopefully that of the rootee
[Big Grin] [Big Grin]

And, in the same post because the Ship is loading so slowly, this gem from duchess from the Prayerful Flamebaiting thread, also in Hell:
quote:
Spank them, Father God, on their bare bottoms hard...but do not cast them into the pit. Just tap their buttocks a little bit...firmly
[Two face]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Janine, I don't know why, it just stuck me funny:

quote:
He held that flat bread in His hands, and took up one of those multiple glasses of wine,... and He spoke, and they were His flesh and blood...

That's real enough. It was at least as real as when we see an egg smashed into a hot cast-iron skillet on those TV commercials, while the public-service-announcement voice intones "This is your brain... This is your brain on drugs..."


 
Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :
 
I love this. A Lutheran special!

quote:
Posted by Lamb Chopped in the Styx
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
the point of debate is resolution, however. not disagreement.

De point of debate is to catch de fish.

I'll go away now.


 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
From cynicgirl in Purg, this appealed to me:

quote:
...the more I learn, the more I change denominations...
[Big Grin]
 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
From Cyprian, in Purg -

quote:
Originally posted by Cyprian:
quote:
Originally posted by chadevan:
Oh, and I nearly forgot: when Baptist preacher Mike Huckabee ran for prez, his campaign slogan was "Faith. Family. Freedom."

2-4-6-8
Huckabee alliterates.
Goooooooo Mike!

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Josephine (# 3899) on :
 
From Barnabas62:
quote:
"Know your enemy" is a general's dictum; it applies if you want to win. I don't want to win. I want to understand better. Folks who believe some things differently to me are not my enemies.


[Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Barnabas is and always has been a touchstone of pure class. [Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Comet ponders the price of corruption in Alaskan politics:

quote:
c'mon Vic [Kohring] - if you're going to sell your vote to the oil companies, how about asking for enough to get you a house and get your fat ass off your parent's couch? (yep. in their single-wide. he's such a joy to cover. I'll almost miss him. [Tear] )


[ 03. July 2008, 15:11: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Random Cathoholic defends the patron saint of English tucker:
quote:
Every time someone says something bad about Saint Delia, God kills a kitten. Please, won't someone think of the kittens?

 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
From the_raptor in Purgatory...
quote:
I can only think this is code for "ZOMG teh xtians stoled teh jews sekrit prophecy".
It's even funnier in context.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Chorister, in the Outcast Anglicans thread in Heaven:
quote:
They could go down a treat at hen parties - you provide the tarts, we provide the vicars.

 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Double post, but what the hell.

RooK, closing a thread and lamenting the lack of good help in Hell:
quote:

Honestly, you ask for demons and you get a bunch of hall monitors with pocket protectors.


 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
dang beat me to it.
I know I have this in my heart

[eta: meant basso's post above...goes with quote. thx.]

[ 10. July 2008, 01:51: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Foaming Draught- priceless!
quote:
Like a mighty tortoise moves the Church of God.
Brothers, we are treading where we've always trod.
We are all divided, many bodies we;
pretty hot on doctrine, weak in charity.


 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Chorister summed up proper behavior for us, in a language we can all understand:
quote:

like this [Yipee] in the circus
like this [Smile] in heaven
like this [Confused] in purgatory
like this [Devil] in hell
like this [Angel] in all saints
like this [Help] in kerygmania
like this [Overused] in eccles
like this [brick wall] in dead horses


 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Foaming Draught- priceless!
quote:
Like a mighty tortoise moves the Church of God.
Brothers, we are treading where we've always trod.
We are all divided, many bodies we;
pretty hot on doctrine, weak in charity.


I'm afraid that needs attributing to Anon or checking. My father's recited it for over forty years, so I think its unlikely that it was a Foaming Draught original.

Jengie
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Twilight beat me to it...
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jengie Jon:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Foaming Draught- priceless!
quote:
Like a mighty tortoise moves the Church of God.
Brothers, we are treading where we've always trod.
We are all divided, many bodies we;
pretty hot on doctrine, weak in charity.


I'm afraid that needs attributing to Anon or checking. My father's recited it for over forty years, so I think its unlikely that it was a Foaming Draught original.

Jengie

Ah. Well, he made no attribution, but I googled this by George Verwer:
quote:
Like a mighty tortoise

Moves the church of God.

Brothers we are treading,

Where we've often trod.

We are much divided,

Many bodies we,

Having different doctrines, but

Not much charity.

I must say I like FD's jazzy last line better.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
from Doublethink:
quote:

God can not be ridiculed - only someone's stereotype, most usually of an institution or the customs of followers. And then it behooves us to wonder why that is being targeted.

Which just proves that Hell is worth watching.
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
*faints in surprise*

Actually I think the Salavation Army proves the point - conservative morality, stand out uniform and a brass band, but are they mocked ? No. Because the vast majority of people respect the ministry out in the world that their faith leads them to perform.
 
Posted by Carex (# 9643) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink:
... the Salavation Army proves the point - conservative morality, stand out uniform and a brass band, but are they mocked ? No.

And the Starvation Army they play,
And they sing and they clap and they pray,
Till they get all your coin on the drum,
Then they tell you that you're just a bum

 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
That was then ... And there is a clear point to that - perhaps that song caused them to change something in their praxis - perhaps we should move this to purg ? I'll try to think of an OP.
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Zappa, on the Rossweisse thread in Hell, about Oz Evo-Anglicans (I think)concludes with:

By one's friends' fruits shall one know them.

which is neat, and potentially very cutting.
 
Posted by Wiff Waff (# 10424) on :
 
LATA on the worst song ever thread in Heaven:

There are war crimes less repellent than Paul McCartney's collected works.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
PeteC in Hell:

Calling Myrrh to Hell is like calling the Pope to morning prayer. It's been done so often, that it really is just a chore.

A nice way of saying it's deja vu all over again.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From hatless, on RooK's even-handedness:

quote:
He makes his arse to shine upon the righteous and the unrighteous.



[ 13. July 2008, 01:46: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From the quadruple Hell call, this building exchange struck me as quite wonderful:

quote:
Originally posted by jlg:
quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
I'd steer clear of jlg though, the old battle ax beats groundhogs with shovels.

If anyone ever said something like this about me, I'd have it in my sig line so quickly you would smell something burning.
Actually, it was a baby groundhog.
[Eek!] [Axe murder]
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Originally posted by Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard in the Gene Robinson thread in purg...

quote:

In polite, liberal, open society it is no one else's business what goes on behind closed doors.

The Church isn't 'polite society'.


 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
Two things that have brought joy to my week:

Firenze on the "Can't be arsed" food thread in Heaven:

quote:
THE ROAD TO ARMAGEDDON IS PAVED WITH READYMEALS.
ken on the "State Funeral for Margaret Thatcher" thread in Purg:

quote:
God is in the business of saving sinners. Even Tories.

 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
If the hole is large enough and there's enough force behind it, I imagine you can shove just about anything through just about any opening.

[Eek!]

It's only naughty when taken out of context.
 
Posted by Chelley (# 11322) on :
 
Comet of course, with perfect comic timing even in a text based medium!
(On the 'what job would you really want to do' thread in Heaven)

quote:
I'd like to be empress of my own moderately-sized island.

Australia, perhaps.


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
quote:
Originally posted by Zwingli:
But surely being a priest implies having some authority over others?

You seem to have confused the order of the priesthood with the office of Altar Guild President.
I can't believe I'm the first one here with this gem from Spiffy.
 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
quote:
Posted by Sandemaniac in Eccles
While I don't think you could describe the whole thing as Arts and Crafts - it is by the senior Gilbert-Scott, and comes across as rather like Oxford's Keble College on dodgier laudanum - St Michael and All Angels in Lyndhurst, Hampshire, has windows by Morris and by Burne-Jones. The latter has a strawberry-blonde Jesus... very Victorian!

I thought this gem from the Arts & Crafts churches thread deserved a wider audience.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
AnnaB does a nice little parody on the "Broad Church" thread.

quote:
It's a church of sinners, a church of saints,
It's a church of bishops and syncophants,
Though GAFCON may deride,
still it can't be denied
It's a broad church after all!


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by hatless:

I would point, for justification, to the feeding of the 5,000 and the 4,000, and all the baskets full of left-overs. I think this is how it is with God. Sometimes God's followers get worried about running out, or God getting dirty. But they shouldn't.

Amen, amne, and amen. [Overused]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From HangerQueen, about the latest idiot making headlines:

quote:
According to Wikipedia, he claims to be both Jesus Christ and the Anti-Christ. Doesn't that mean he should immediately disappear in a burst of gamma rays?

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Avalon and Foaming Draught, on clergy careers:

quote:

Originally posted by Avalon:
So, is it defrocked or unfrocked if you jump before you're got?

I think one is said to have frocked off.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Roundaboutly, Gill H in Heaven has quoted this great bit of wordplay from John Donne in Purg:
quote:
... it's going to be a fiasco, and I don't want to be there when it fiasses.

 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Sioni Sais, responding to Trudy about selecting cluess young celebs for the Death Pool:
quote:

Trudy, it's like shooting into a flock of starlings. You're going to hit something, but it won't be the starling you aimed at.


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
Mechtilde, on the "Witness my rear end" thread:
quote:
Other than bumper stickers and urine, there's gotta be a better way to mark my space.

 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Timothy the Obscure on the Kindergarchy thread in Purg:

(I think) the article is a great illustration of the journalistic definition of "trend": two (similar) anecdotes and a deadline.

Thanks Tim.

ps: I'm in the quotes file again! Two in four years!

eta: pps: post immediately above (Mechtilde's) is definitely [Overused]

[ 01. August 2008, 19:39: Message edited by: Sioni Sais ]
 
Posted by Gort (# 6855) on :
 
angelfish speaks to the alien nature of Christians on the Purg thread, "Witness My Rearend":
quote:
Unfortunately subtlety is not a trait to be found in many Christians, or indeed humans...

 
Posted by Manipled Mutineer (# 11514) on :
 
quote:
you turdmunching polyp on the anus of humanity
The Great Gumby on the subject of the moral worth of bicycle thieves.
 
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :
 
Ken's in good form, re writing the book of proverbs

quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by Martin PC not & Ship's Biohazard:
Man proposes...

... and woman looks embarrassed for a few seconds and then tells him that she respects him very much and he knows he is in the shit.
That's from this post on the How Evangelical do you have to be...

Jengie

[ 07. August 2008, 15:59: Message edited by: Jengie Jon ]
 
Posted by Ags (# 204) on :
 
Posted by jlg here.

There is a lot more to true Christianity than simply screaming "I love you God" and getting all excited and doing Bible Study.

Would make a good sig [Smile]
 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
From Rat on the Cyclists Hell thread:

quote:
Cars - can't live with them, try to live without them and they spitefully squash you flat.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Monologue form Exodus Non-Stop: God has a melt-down over Sabbath-breaking:

quote:
Originally posted by Bullfrog.:
Exodus 16:27-30

ARGHGHGHGHGHGH! How long am I going to have to repeat myself! How long will you thick-headed people insist upon ignoring me and refusing to keep my commandments! Look! I, THE LORD, have given you a Sabbath! See? S-A-B-B-A-T-H! Sabbath! Do you really need to be reminded to take a break every week? Is it that hard to do NOTHING for 24 hours? Do you suffer from congenital workaholism or something? Look, I give to you enough food on the 6th day to cover both days 6 and 7. You do not need to forage on the 7th day. Just sit tight and take a break like you're told!

So the people rested on the 7th day.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Listen up, Haters: the Ship IS community. Observe:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Antisocial Alto:
Whenever I hear the word "phenomenon" I hear it to the tune of the Muppets song "Mah Na Mah Na".

Phenomenon, doo doooo de doo-doo
Phenomenon, doo doo-doo doo

I'M NOT ALONE!

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Johnny S. on a post he didn't make after all--and why:

quote:
I thought about putting "1st century Christians with a Jewish heritage" ... but it died the death of a thousand qualifications.


[ 19. August 2008, 02:57: Message edited by: Lamb Chopped ]
 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
Too long to post here in full, but Gildas' potted history of Russia surely deserves to be kept for posterity

[Overused]
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Listen up, Haters: the Ship IS community. Observe:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Antisocial Alto:
Whenever I hear the word "phenomenon" I hear it to the tune of the Muppets song "Mah Na Mah Na".

Phenomenon, doo doooo de doo-doo
Phenomenon, doo doo-doo doo

I'M NOT ALONE!

Thank you. Now I'm gonna start doing that. [Razz]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
You are experiencing a movement of the Spirit, my sister.

Anyhow...

I encourage you all to simply sit back and bask in the beauty of this:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I hate people who don't obey rules that I happen to obey. It makes me want to key the side of their car. (This would be residents at my building who park in the 'visitor' slots, for starters.)

I hate people who block traffic in front of Starbucks because their passenger is just running in to get a cup of coffee. What the hell do you think all the people who bothered to pull into parking places are doing, you SUV-driving asshole?

I hate people who take the moral high ground in ethical conversations when I know for a fact they are paying hustlers for sex - said financial proceeds of which are probably promptly converted into drugs.

There are plenty of other people I hate but I can't think of the details right this second other than people younger than me and older than me, richer than me and poorer than me, prettier than me and uglier than me, more liberal than me and more conservative than me - pretty much every one who isn't exactly like me, come to think of it.

And people who don't get their eyebrows waxed. I hate them too.

Thank you.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Janine, on the raising of Lazarus from Lazarus' point of view:

quote:
Sometimes we've got to remind ourselves that there's more to living than life.

 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
From the incomparable Lamb Chopped, in Purg:

quote:
Maybe we could give God credit for a little common sense and assume that, immediately upon death, we are not likely to "wake up" to the faces of our arch-enemies waving "Welcome to heaven!" banners.
I don't know whether to [Killing me] or [Overused]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
mousethief in Hell on the squabble about the name "America" as in United States of:
quote:
Look, the time to complain about the use of "America" for a single country was 1776, okay? The complaints desk has long been closed and dismantled. You missed your chance. Get over it.

 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
I had this from an alto in the choir. And altos never lie. They don't have the imagination.

Another gem from the inimitable Sine, on the TICTH thread
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Y'know, Trudy? You're absolutely right.

quote:
Originally posted by Trudy Scrumptious:
Oh my. Dissing Bonnie Tyler. What has the world come to??

Let me tell you, there is no life experience more raw, more honest, more heartbreaking than sitting in your living room playing the 45 of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" over and over and over and over really loudly while on the other side of the duplex wall the guy you thought you loved is entertaining his new flame as you quietly weep in your darkened living room, alone with Bonnie and your four-inch high permed hair and your acid-wash jeans and your shattered dreams ...

Like everything else, it has its proper context.


 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
Thank you Kelly... I had secret dreams of being immortalized in the Quotes file for that one. Because I'm sure I'm not the only one.
 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
Yeah. I'm still smarting because I invented the phrase 'Anointing Cooties' on the Florida thread and didn't make it here. [Biased]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I live to serve.

From the "Fire Tunnel" thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Gill H:
My church had a wedding recently, and at the end of the evening celebration, everyone lined up in 2 rows, formed an arch and the couple ran through it on their way out of the building. As they did so, we prayed our individual prayers for the couple, whether silently or out loud. It was a fun way to wish them well as they left.

If that's the sort of thing being described, I have no problems with it, as long as no-one is put under pressure to do it (as prayer ministry for claustrophobia, it might not be the best method!)

If, on the other hand, it's a way to catch Anointing Cooties from the special people up front, then ewwww.

(BTW, I admit it - I invented the phrase 'Anointing Cooties' with the hope of being chosen for the SoF Quotes File ...) [Biased]

****
****

(P.S. I've only done this on rare, special occasions where I felt the interests of Ship Canon overrode my natural humbleness and modesty, but I have quoted myself a couple of times, with accompanying apologies for my vanity. But heck, if the Teeming Millions can't recognise brilliance when they see it, what's a girl to do? [Big Grin]

I think if you do it constantly, though, it gets annoying.)
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...but this one is Firenze. And Huey Lewis would agree...

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
And what is this 'love is a construct' blithering? Love is an emotion, love is an instinct - try getting between a bear and her cubs and explaining that's she disembowelling you for a construct.



[ 02. September 2008, 15:25: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Gildas, beautifully pointing out a distinction:

quote:
Incidentally, I have known love and I have known lust and trust me - the poetry and the prose of the flesh are two quite different things.

 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Lietuvos Sv. Kazimieras posits an opinion and coins a new phrase in a discussion on Americans and travel:
quote:
maybe your air miles vary
very droll!

[ 10. September 2008, 00:04: Message edited by: Triple Tiara ]
 
Posted by Loveheart (# 12249) on :
 
From "the coiled spring", on the thread about breaking JH Newman's body up for relics:

"Is it not wonderul that as Anglicans are still arguing about gay bishops, those nice boys in Rome have had a gay cardinal and now consider having a gay saint..
Eat your heart out Gene"

[Overused]
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Twilight:
Now I'm hearing people say they like the Palin/ McCain ticket for president because they support "family values" and I don't think they're talking about McCain's choice to leave his crippled wife for a hot chick, young enough to be his daughter.

From the thread about churches telling people how to vote. I really didn't expect politics to inspire something memorable.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I believe the appropriate response to the following is "SNAP!":

(On the "Godly break-up lines" thread)

quote:
Originally posted by Anglican_Brat:
To a straight woman.

"I'm sorry, I'm really would like to be attracted to you, but at the moment of my conception, Almighty God declared that I would be gayer than Elton John dancing with Boy George at a George Michael concert. I cannot go against the will of God."



[ 15. September 2008, 05:12: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Foaming Draught makes a key point on the Barbeque thread:
quote:

And slow-cooking is just a waste of gas. Emissions trading schemes will put paid to that, we need all the carbon offset we can get to run the beer fridge.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Bucca:
quote:
The point is to serve God by oneness in christ, through faith, via grace. Charity is a consequence of that and not a meritorious act in itself (nor is others being fed an aim in itself).
Albertus:
quote:
Yes Bucca, all very well, but you still haven't answered my question: between now and the Second Coming, who should be responsible for the drains?

 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by rugasaw:
At one time I thought that I could come up with odd answers. The ship has taught me that my odd answers are not as odd as I thought.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Originally posted by Oscar the Grouch (on the 'Fear of Moderation' thread:

In short, non-Christians should be loved into the Kingdom whilst Christians who don't agree with "us" should be smacked around a bit for their own good.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Jon-with-no-H:

if my body is a temple, my tattoos are stained glass windows.
 
Posted by Caty. (# 11996) on :
 
Zappa, on the Question thread in Heaven:
quote:

I love not splitting infinitives, because it breaks the cliched expectations.

Though I quite like to occasionally and with willful and nefarious intent with malice aforethought and cheerful nonchalance after the fact demonstrate how bloody stupid split infinitives can be.



[ 19. September 2008, 14:14: Message edited by: Caty. ]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Apprentice Salt cuts through the religious divide on barbecue:
quote:

BBQ is smoked meat. Any meat… brought to a state of perfection beyond description with time, heat and smoke. If your neck is red… your beer is free and cold… and your family and friends eat it with gusto and enthusiasm… you will understand that you have stumbled upon the true meaning and purpose of life… Thanks be to God!!!


 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Oh my, Zappa, what a magnificent put-down this was (in Hell, of course!)

quote:
When you kick Jesus off the Right Hand of the Father™, would you whisper a prayer in the ear of the Creator for those of us less perfect than your self?


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Dead Horses

OliviaG to Matt Black on how humans were "set up" to Fall:
quote:
Well, yeah. For starters, the garden wasn't properly child-proofed. And then there's the parenting stragety of "I'm going out now; don't touch the cookies on the kitchen counter." I don't think you even have to be a parent to know that's not gonna work, at least not in the early stages of the game.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Firenze:
quote:
Actually we have these conversations in our house on how you get to be a Dark Lord. Do you start as a Dim Lord and work down?

 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by rabcpresbyterian:
quote:
Originally posted by quantpole:
What's a mainline Christian doctrine again?

One you inject directly into your soul
This little exchange in Purgatory gave me a chuckle.
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Gort on the "Nativity in 30 seconds" thread made me laugh:

quote:
HALF OFF MULTI-COLORED CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTS THIS SATURDAY ONLY!

Previous offers not applicable. Restocking fee on returned items.


 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
Eliab, the voice of pragmatism:

quote:
Life is too short to berate every passing arsehole.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Originally posted by Angloid:
Whereas prayer is simply us being ourselves in the presence of God.

Nice one.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
ken explains the importance of clarity in professional communications:
quote:
If you really use lines like "Some keeps e-mailing my predecessor at my job are causing me to blanked out" in business e-mail then all I can say is every reads will be having trouble them are losing employers some credible.
[Big Grin]

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Firenze:
quote:
Actually we have these conversations in our house on how you get to be a Dark Lord. Do you start as a Dim Lord and work down?

yet another example of why I want to go live with Firenze and be her daughter.

they think like me.

and she cooks good.
[Axe murder]
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
I think to become a Dim Lord you have to study with Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light.
 
Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by lady in red:
Eliab, the voice of pragmatism:

quote:
Life is too short to berate every passing arsehole.

I just so wish the arseholes would pass me by
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
I think to become a Dim Lord you have to study with Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light.

[Snigger] [Overused]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
I think to become a Dim Lord you have to study with Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light.

[Snigger] [Overused]
An interior quote in the quotes file. So this is a double-interior quote. Any advance?
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
I wish I'd made up Phil myself. But I nicked him from a cartoon.

As for double interior quotes, many years ago there was a correspondence in MAD magazine that started: 'I think the man who writes the letters should write the rest of the magazine'. The next issue there was 'I think the man who wrote "I think the man who writes the letters should write the rest of the magazine", should write the rest of the magazine'. You can guess how it continued...

[ 19. October 2008, 10:56: Message edited by: Esmeralda ]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
our Snowy little friend can always make me laugh out loud, even in awkward circumstances. this one was hard to explain to a room full of friends!
quote:
Originally posted by Patdys in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by someone who walked right into this:
If I were a Cockney...

On the up side, you're half way there. [Big Grin]


[ 19. October 2008, 20:56: Message edited by: comet ]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Well I've not heard this one before, and it is a smart answer:

Max (in Purgatory, how can I know I am saved?)

When asked "When were you saved?" just answer "33 AD"
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
From "Things I want to know" in The Styx:

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
ACK! Now there's Astley in my head, and I'm going to have to use a spork to get it out.

"...and then he fell down and broke his leg." ~(German humor from a recent thread- reputed to get them every time!)

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Priceless beginning by Sine Nomine:
quote:
I really try not to go to my 'better than' place but a lot of the time it's just darn difficult not to, despite all the “we're all God's children” pep talks I try to give myself. Some of God’s children are bottom-feeders. They just are.
Then it just gets better with Gort and Sine's exchange:
quote:
Gort: Hey. Someone's got to clean up the muck.
quote:
and Sine: That's a very kind way to look at it, Brother Gort. I wish I were that spiritually advanced.
[Killing me]
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
LR - what threads / what boards are those from? How on EARTH could I have missed them?!
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Hell- you couldn't tell? [Biased]

Actually it's on the yorick etc. Hell call. One of the better parts, I've got to say.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
JohnBoy sums up Exodus 20:14 :
quote:
Originally posted by JohnBoy:

Didn't I give you enough blood to run your brain and your cock at the same time? Don't try that on me!


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
In Purg, people are asking how will we know when Jesus returns...

quote:
Originally posted by Adeodatus:
I am pre-programmed to crap myself from sheer panic the day Christ returns. When that happens, I'll be sure to pass on the news.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :
 
From the "FAO American Shipmates: Why aren't you a socialist?" thread in Purgatory:

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
God can redeem our human nature. Political theory can't.

Ross
 
Posted by Loveheart (# 12249) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Gildas:
If God could work through Balaam's Ass he can work through the clergy!


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
comet, on Alaskan politics:
quote:

God bless us, everyone! it's like christmas, easter, and an orgasm all in one!

There's really nothing to add.
 
Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :
 
From Custard. on a Kerygmania thread:
quote:
I really can't understand the sheer anality of a lot of those people who write papers to argue that Abba = Father and not Daddy. It's quite clearly got a semantic range that covers both (and then some).

 
Posted by rabcpresbyterian (# 12060) on :
 
from John Ellis, on the thread about whether Jesus is the only way...

Calvinists..., in the legendary words of the Scots minister, taught that God responds to the cries from hell of "Laird, we did'nae ken, we did'nae ken!" with the immoveable rebuke, "Well, ye ken noo!"

Made me laugh oot lood !
 
Posted by Athrawes (# 9594) on :
 
This, from Rev Per Minute, on the thread in Heaven about banning Latin terms.


Originally posted by Matt Black:
banning foreign words which have 'immigrated' into this country and become integrated into the language here.

Bloody foreign words, coming over 'ere and stealing our language. I 'ad a gerund in the back of me cab the other day - or was 'e a gerundive? Can't tell 'em apart, these Latins...
 
Posted by Carex (# 9643) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:

... most people get commemorative tattoos with their churchlady friends at the Shrimp & Petroleum Festival.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Spawn parses a sentence in Hell:
quote:
The trouble is I have so many problems with: "..we need key laity in such jobs."

First, who is the 'we'? Secondly, 'need', thirdly, 'key laity' and fourthly, 'such jobs'. I'm happy with 'in' though.


 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
patdys, formerly of yellow snow fame, in Hell on the Sir Pellinore hell call:

Actually Jesus is a bit like a colostomy operation. He will always make room for one more arsehole.

Beat that, Dawkins!

AG
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
I love Robert Armin's response to Rossweisse in a Hell thread that turned into a party...

quote:
quote:
Is my Oxford Study Bible in the Revised English version okay?
So, is this a euphemism? I've led a sheltered life.

 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Tclune takes on the slippery slope argument in purgatory:

quote:
Now, the thing that is idiotic about this so-called argument is not that it can't happen, but that it assumes that my current level of stupidity is the right and true level for all people at all times.
Perfectly put--I'll be using this.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Izzybee from the "Online Excitement" thread:
quote:
You know it's a bad day at the virtual office when you're attacked by flying penises.
By the way, while I was investigating Second Life, I read this great article by a guy who attended a seminar by Java introducing some new developments. The gathering place was in Second Life. He was computer savvy, but he'd never been to Second Life. He found himself/his sulky-looking avatar holding a flaming torch in the virtual auditorium for the entire presentation. He couldn't get rid of it. I'd link the article but it seems to have just been restricted to registered users. [Frown]
 
Posted by PataLeBon (# 5452) on :
 
Trudy Scrumptious in the Obama's Faith thread

quote:
Have you not heard of the Holy Trilogy?

Volume 1: The Father.
A huge bestseller, so popular He led to the much awaited follow-up sequel: The Son (now appearing in flesh, and paperback).
And Volume 3: The Holy Spirit -- viewed by many critics as a satisfying conclusion to the trilogy, but by some diehard fans as a disappointing follow-up. Never became as popular as Volumes 1 and 2 of the series, perhaps because He was seen as less accessible.

Now to see if I can use that somehow in children's chapel...
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Nunzia to KenWritez on Let's Offend:
quote:
If you really care about this planet, just think about how an army of grouchy sleep-deprived grizzlies with AK 47s might disrupt it's delicate balance. Just think for once!
Granted that the whole thead just makes me laugh, this gem makes me glad that I wasn't drinking anything prior to reading it!
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Spiffy, laying into Dmpln Jeff in Hell (This is science?):

You are so clueless, you are standing in the Conservatory holding a Lead Pipe and wondering what all the shouting is about.

AG
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Leaf, a wonderful new apprentice on the thread about children's theological questions:

quote:
"How come no one in the Bible ever stays home?"

That one gave me pause. It's true: every major character is always on the move, from somewhere to somewhere else. Church folks tend to worry about their buildings -- hammering and nailing everything down, including liturgy and theology. Perhaps we'd do better to remember that no one in the Bible ever stays at home.


 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Quite liked this little interchange in Purgatory about "to spend or not to spend" in the face of our recession:

quote:
Evangeline posits:
Capitalism is like a bicycle, once it stops going forward it falls over.

quote:
Crooked Cucumber responds:
Yes. But who wants to keep pedalling a bicycle if you don't like where it's going?


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
...there are people on this board who would stand in front of the neon blinking sign pointing to the duck while holding Harper's Compleat Duck Identifier of the World (and how to tell them from drakes and goslings) open to the illustrated plates and still wouldn't know the duck even after it beaned them in the head with an egg.

From Spiffy in Hell, waxing grandiloquent on the ornithological shortcomings of fellow Shipmates...
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
A long one, but worth it from an historical perspective.

Lyda Rose comments on recent US television offerings:

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Yeah, the pc brigade has run amok in the US, too. Most of TV this summer and autumn was devoted to this political series where -get this- the protagonists were this middle-aged white woman; a very old, disabled, war veteran; and a nerdy, elite black guy.

The drama went back and forth for months. Everyone recalled how during a previous season, the woman's husband had disgraced his high office with hanky-panky, but that his wife had nobly risen above it. The pc crowd was torn: noble, white woman/elite, black man? Elite, black man/noble, white woman? But it seemed that the elite nerd quietly overtook her. Then he chose to run with a middle-aged, white male politician (the choice shouldn't be too out there, ya know).

Then, sensing that the series would become too boringly white bread if he was paired with another old, white guy, the war veteran brought in an ex-beauty queen in a heels and a pencil skirt. Who belonged to the NRA. Who had been mayor of a town of 6,000. Who'd been a governor for a few months. It was an interesting idea, but since everyone knew that white, war vets had risen to the top a number of times before, the female pistol from Alaska not withstanding, it was agreed it was time for a Change.

So the nerdy, black guy with the cute wife and kids won the day and the season ended in his triumph. And pc was satisfied even though a triumph for one deserving pc candidate necessarily excluded other deserving pc possibilities like the disabled vet, the noble woman, the Hispanic governor, or the Mormon. (You don't think Mormons have been oppressed?)



[ 01. December 2008, 15:27: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
...and one more reason Kenwritez dominates the "Let's Offend" thread.

quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:


That is so...so...so...offensive I am speechless. Thus I voice my outrage in interpretive dance:

xxx
............. x pause
.... x ......... ... .. . spin spin spin ...
...............................................
................. leap .........................
... pause ..... x x x ....x x.... spin ....
.......... leap .......... ..... ..... ..... ..
.... ... pause ... ... .. . xx
............. spin spin spin .. x
..... spin spin .. x
... spin . x
..
x
.

So there.



[ 01. December 2008, 15:29: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
[Roll Eyes] Kelly, don't encourage him! I thought we'd already discussed how offensive a repeat performance would be! [Biased]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
well, I want to thank Kelly (and His Kenwritezness) for that. it had me on the floor!
 
Posted by passer (# 13329) on :
 
Imagine wandering in from Real Life to the Ship for the first time, and seeing the "Religious beliefs and optimism" thread at the top of the Styx. Seeking enlightenment, you click on the latest post, and find this from a venerable denizen:

quote:
Originally posted by Ancient Mariner:
Leo I suggest you PM Hiccup.

(Quietly sidle away......)
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Kelly:
quote:
A long one, but worth it from an historical perspective.

Lyda Rose comments on recent US television offerings

My silly little Hell riff was greeted by such a thunderous silence, I'm truly surprised to find it here.

Thanks, Kel. [Tear]
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Custard, on the Empress of Hell thread in Eccles:

I know the title's traditional, but to me it sounds roughly as batty as a pipistrelle facing some particularly soft bowling.

That might end up in a sig one day...

AG
 
Posted by moonlitdoor (# 11707) on :
 
quote:

orignally posted by Yangtze

I'm not the only one who likes both ways and more besides

( from the gambit memorial thread in case you wonder what she could be referring to )
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Beautiful.

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:


I am Erin's little lamb,
Scared to be a snack I am,
For my gator gently gnaws me,
Nibbles, disembowels and claws me,
Slathers mint sauce on my frame--
And so justifies my name!


 
Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
I've never posted on this thread before. This, from Albertus on the Wycliffe Hall thread, has goaded me out of my silence as being so true of many that I once knew:

quote:
For them, 'living the gospel' seems to be largely about what you do with your twiddly bits and not about how you use power.

 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
Whoever thought the Furry Baby thread in All Saints would be so quoteable? [Big Grin]

quote:

Feh: The fighting is much more sporadic, but there is still way to much hissing and swatting and growling for me. I suppose they are adapting, which is all I can ask. I just wish Cobie and his girlfriend would love each other!

Lamb Chopped: Feh, you're sounding like Jesus contemplating the church


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Left at the Altar's memorable contribution to the Ship's latest recipe thread:
quote:
KenW's just asking for us all to say we want to eat him. Don't encourage him. He'll have his clothes off and smear himself in plum sauce before you can say, "I'm not that hungry".

 
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on :
 
Prosfonesis, on the Understanding Liturgical seasons thread in Eccles

quote:
I'm one of the ill-humored cranks fighting against the modernist tide, striving to keep the adventish stuff inside Advent, the Christmasish stuff inside Christmastide, the Epiphany things clustered close to Epiphany, and the Santa Clausish stuff banished to Walmart and 6 December. I'm really pretty harmless.
I have to agree....
 
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
recidite_plebians on the logistical problems inherent in the Office Christmas lunch:


quote:
Unfortunately we have a number of food extremists who can't eat anything but leaves and a couple of others who are allergic to, well fucking everything as it happens. Add to that the religious crazies who are convinced that an eternal power that created the universe (and is, as we speak apparently, waging a war of annhilation with the forces of evil) really gives a flying fcuk about whether they have goats cheese or chops with their brocolli, and it's all become a very good definition of a pain in the scrotum.

 
Posted by Random Cathoholic (# 13129) on :
 
In the middle of one of his usual profound and carefully thought-out posts, Cyprian reveals his true religion:

quote:
Where it does require the profession of belief in the Body and Blood of Chris, it specifically mentions this within the context of the Divine Liturgy itself.
Clearly he's a Chris-tian.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Oh dear. Will doubtless have dreams of half-naked prancing chalices all night.

This quote by Lamb Chopped is even funnier taken out of context.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Awk! [Eek!]
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
From the Christmas Services thread:

quote:
Originally posted by leo:
quote:
Originally posted by Max.:
Theme: The Eucharist is the best Christmas Meal you will ever have!

Max.

That's because you're a vegetarian.

 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
From Chorister in Hell:

quote:
Well I blame Almighty God - He started it. The high and mighty zapthefuckers King of Kings coming down to heaven as a fluffy bunny baby, indeed. Now that was a really Asshattish thing to do.
... "high and mighty zapthefuckers King of Kings.." [Killing me]

Just. Love. it.
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Erin once again demonstrates why she really deserves the prize for most creative use of the English language:

quote:
I've never been a believer in the idea that leadership means bending over and taking it in the ass like a $5 whore.
Brilliant!
 
Posted by Patdys (# 9397) on :
 
Josephine, on Mousethief
quote:
Being married to Mousethief is a blessing and a joy.

He cooks, he does laundry, he fixes things around the house. He keeps my bird feeders filled. He likes to talk about etymology and philosophy and books. He likes stories that have beginnings and middles and proper endings. He cares for my children as if they were his (and indeed adopted the two younger ones). He graciously hosted my former in-laws for visits out here when they were still able to travel. He writes poetry, he sings. He prays. He calms me down if I get wound up. He cleans up his own messes. He removes spiders from the house. He laughs at himself. He puns outrageously. He encourages me to try things that I have been too unsure of myself to try, cheers me when I succeed, consoles me when I don't.

I'm sure that I've thoroughly embarrassed him now, but that's okay. He may or may not be a wonderful shipmate -- that's not for me to decide. But he is a wonderful husband.


 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
Bless [Axe murder]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Basso, for capturing the spirit of the ship so succinctly:

'Every week is Asshat week'.
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
From the Christmas Services thread:

quote:
Originally posted by leo:
quote:
Originally posted by Max.:
Theme: The Eucharist is the best Christmas Meal you will ever have!

Max.

That's because you're a vegetarian.

And his putdown reply: 'That's because you are a protestant'.
 
Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
Firenze's inspired by the title "Prince of Fucking Darkness" on the Best Hell Denizen thread:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
Which takes practice: first, there's Chatting Up Darkness - Hello Darkness my old friend - then getting it to lower its guard - through a glass darkly - and then, when it's all over, you discover the unfortunate consequences - darkling thrush.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
... and Firenze againze:

quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
The woman that rared you would drown nothing.


 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
Mad Cat on the prayer thread:

quote:
Lord, comfort and console your faithful people.

In the dark crook of the year He comes, silent as breath, strong as forever.

Come, Lord, come.

That thread moves me to tears so often these days. Soften our hearts still further, Lord.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Deep thought, with a resonant punchilne, via Nigel M:
quote:
Originally posted by Nigel M:



There comes a time, doesn't there, when we enter the zone of tacit knowledge, where we “know more than we can tell” (a la Michael Polanyi). At best we have to resort to figurative language, somewhat like poor old Ezekiel at the end of his chapter 1 who couldn't explain what God looked like, not could he say what the glory of God looked like; he couldn't even tell us what the likeness of the glory of God looked like, he could only say he saw the appearance of the likeness of the glory of God.

And then he fell down.



 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Joan_of_Quark, in a measured response to someone else's seriously out-of-touch post:

quote:
Again, this seems to be orthogonal to reality.

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Comet informing of us of her toilet habits?

crap, I'm sorry! I'll go flush right now.

This really does make sense in context. Honest to God.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Campbellite, in Heaven, on the subject of online Newspapers:

Have you ever tried to line a bird cage with a website?
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Comet informing of us of her toilet habits?

crap, I'm sorry! I'll go flush right now.

This really does make sense in context. Honest to God.

geez. [Hot and Hormonal]

and I dont even have indoor plumbing.
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by comet:
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Comet informing of us of her toilet habits?

crap, I'm sorry! I'll go flush right now.

This really does make sense in context. Honest to God.

geez. [Hot and Hormonal]

and I dont even have indoor plumbing.

You've got the whole of Alaska. If it's good enough for bears, I'm sure a Hellhost can manage.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Does a Hellhost crap in the woods? [Snigger]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Crœsos, on the William Laud thread:
quote:

And I thought his error was supporting the losing side in a civil war. That sort of thing is not conducive to long-term headedness.


 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Hermenneut on the Orthodoxy & Augustine thread

Christianity is met in strange places and in strange ways. I have friends in the Salvation Army - they have no sacraments (not even baptism - which makes me uncomfortable, if I am honest) but I know of an officer who learnt chiropody to care for the feet of homeless people, knowing the many of them suffer in that way. To care for the unwashed feet of the habitual homeless? It does not take too much imagination to realise how awful that might be. So: tradition or no tradition, 'right' or 'wrong' worship, I will stand aside at the gates of the new Jerusalem until such people are let in before me.


 
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
Very simple, quite obvious once she'd pointed it out, but something I'd never noticed:

quote:
Originally posted by Jengie:

Note: "Amateur" implies doing it for love.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
This deserves an honourable mention in the quotes file, as one of the best adverts for the Christian faith I've seen:

When I was 14 after confirmation, I told my Vicar that I didn't believe a word of it, and that God probably didn't exist.

He listened, smiled and said that's fine.

Now I'm a member of a religious order.

And when people tell me they don't believe, I smile and say 'that's fine'.


(Garden Hermit, in Purgatory)
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
In The Styx: Hell Threads
quote:
Originally posted by lily pad:
Hell used to seem scary. It doesn't anymore.

Does that mean I am becoming a Universalist?


 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
If Campbellite is going to memorialize lily pad's comment, the continuing conversation with Chorister needs to be here too:

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
No, it means you have been assimilated.

quote:
Originally posted by lily pad:

Oh, okay, thanks for clarifying.

Phew, what a relief, it will be so much easier to explain to my family.



[ 11. January 2009, 01:32: Message edited by: Organ Builder ]
 
Posted by antSJD (# 13598) on :
 
From Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy
TICTH God.

Seriously, what the fuck, God? FOUR deaths this week, three funerals this week? No more. We've reached quota. We're done. Knock this shit off.

Really made me chuckle.
 
Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
quote:
Originally posted by the_raptor:
I am extremely bored. I have given up most of the video games and other crap I used to do, have no romantic prospects, can't find a job I am qualified for, and have six weeks before university starts.


Are you quite sure you aren't a member of the royal family?

 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by antSJD:
From Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy
TICTH God.

Seriously, what the fuck, God? FOUR deaths this week, three funerals this week? No more. We've reached quota. We're done. Knock this shit off.

Really made me chuckle.
Glad to be of service.

I have discovered a severe lack of black clothing in my wardrobe, I might have to wear the same thing twice.
 
Posted by Meg the Red (# 11838) on :
 
Another masterpiece from Spiffy, in the Jezebel Spirit thread in Purg:


I've told people before, that it's quite clear that if Jesus had wanted me for a sunbeam, He wouldn't have made me a raging bitchmonster of doom.

[Overused]

(For some reason, Mr. Red insisted I use it as a sig. Go figure.)
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Hurfy on God: "I get the impression that if He does exist, that's just the sort of thing the capricious sod would decide."

Can't you just tell he's a lawyer? [Biased]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
This classic from Grits, on the Bible Belt thread in Hell:
quote:
We need our Bible Belt to hold up our Truth Trousers.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
the_raptor on the dwindling remains of Bible Belt! thread:
quote:
If it is a zombie thread it should re-die soon from lack of sustenance.

 
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on :
 
Cranmer's baggage on the Ozblog

    

quote:
"It's hard to tell if a ferret is dizzy."

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
A neat distinction by Adeodatus, on the Sloppy or Fussy thread (Ecccles):

Sloppiness is not caring. Fussiness is caring about the wrong things.
 
Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on :
 
A lovely image from the thread about Wikipedia in Purg, courtesy of The Great Gumby;
quote:
... a self-perpetuating circle of bollocks ...

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
dj_ordinaire in Eccles (in reply to a poster who said they were so snakebelly low they might not belong on that board):

Hey, everyone belongs in Eccles - there are no height restrictions on the worship ride, y'know!

Preach it, bro! [Cool]
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
I found this a refreshing piece of honesty on the part of Ancient Mariner in Heaven:

I've converted far more people to Apple than Christ.
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Matt Black on anthropomorphizing snowy roads:
quote:
I'll have to remember, next time I skid or slip, "Treachery! I am betrayed!" Or do a Gollum: "Nassty cruel tricksy roadses, my precious; we hates 'em, we hates 'em forever!"

 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
CuppaT wonderfully reflecting the timelessness of Orthodox worship and practice:

quote:
Suffice it to say that we still do churchings. Ask again in a couple thousand years if that's changed.

 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
Matins makes an astute point in a discussion with his Anglican confreres:
quote:
There is a difference between being the middle way between reformed and catholic and being the middle way between orthodoxy and heresy.


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Rook, in the Styx thread about trolling, comments on intention as it relates (or doesn't) to action.
quote:
If a tyrranosaurus is nibbling on people in a park, it hardly matters that it meant it in a nice way or was just get a taste of local flavour. Likewise, if a toothless and clawless chihuahua intends murder most heinous, that doesn't mean that it is a risk.

 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
A joint effort from Gort and Janine, over on page 29 of "Today I Consign to Hell...";

Gort: Twilight with hickies? That's Like Mother Theresa with genital warts.

And in reply, Janine: If Ma Theresa had had genital warts, she would have trained them all to go out into the highways and hedges of India to rescue and convert other warts.

AG
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
From the Brisbane Romans thread in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by the coiled spring:
...Would Christ behave in such an evil and dark manner towards Gort when he is like a voice in the wilderness showing the way.

quote:
Twilight: Does this mean there's hope of getting Gort's head on a platter?
quote:
PeteC: Depends. Are you Salome?
quote:
Twilight: Sure. I can still dance, I just need a lot more veils.


[ 21. February 2009, 14:08: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Another from Twilight, confessing deviations from OT law:

quote:
I eat shrimp and pork and would never pound a tent post into my cousin's head no matter how strong a Republican he was.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
From Purgatory, responding to the question of whether we're all a bunch of pagan sun worshipers:
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by Liverpool fan:
Isn't the word Adonai used for Jesus in the NT?

And today is Thor's Day [Eek!] So we are all really worshipping Thor ALL DAY!

And there is worse than that! Songs of Praise - that seedbed of modern Christian worship music - used to be presented by Thora Hird! That PROVES it! Christian hymns are nothing but songs of praise to Thor and Odin! More Odinists and Asatru-buggers! And who did they pass Songs of Praise too when she died? Sally Magnusson, that's who! Who we all know should really be called Sally Magnusdottir. WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO HIDE BY CHANGING HER NAME?

And there is worse than that! Thora Hird's daughter was Janette Scott! Just look at the name! A "Scot" (pronounced "shite") was a kind of Irish pirate in ancient times. "Janette" is a form of the name "Janet" the diminutive of "John" often used a Scottish women's name. "John" is the Hebrew name "Yohanan" or "Yehochanan" which means "God has given" (given what? Secret knowledge of runic magic?) and is also the name of at least three American Presidents including John Kennedy who was assassinated by an unknown assailant (or three - and tree is a highly significant number) while crossing a ley-line over an Indian burial ground in Dallas! CAN THIS POSSIBLY BE A MERE COINCIDENCE? I think not!

And we all remember where we first heard of Janette Scott! don't we?

It's going through your head right now:

[ quote ]
Michael Rennie was ill
The day the earth stood still
But he told us where we stand...

[...]

...And I got really hot
When I saw Janette Scott
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills
Dana Andrews said prunes
Gave him the ruhnes...
[ quote ]

So that's it. ITS THE ALIENS! Transvestite bisexual Odin-worshipping aliens! We are property! The stars are glimpses of the Outer Realms of Light through tears in the membrane surrounding the universe! They twinkle because the sphere is jelly like and wobbles!

Don't be fooled!

We are property!!

Keep watching the skies!!!


 
Posted by Chelley (# 11322) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Deep thought, with a resonant punchilne, via Nigel M:
quote:
Originally posted by Nigel M:



There comes a time, doesn't there, when we enter the zone of tacit knowledge, where we “know more than we can tell” (a la Michael Polanyi). At best we have to resort to figurative language, somewhat like poor old Ezekiel at the end of his chapter 1 who couldn't explain what God looked like, not could he say what the glory of God looked like; he couldn't even tell us what the likeness of the glory of God looked like, he could only say he saw the appearance of the likeness of the glory of God.

And then he fell down.



[Overused] (only just seen this)
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
On the Ozblog thread in All Saints:
quote:
Originally posted by Banner Lady:
[M]aybe one of you evangelical types can cast out the Demon of Real Life for me...

Can I please give up my family for Lent? I need the rest!


 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
On the placebo thread, in Purg:

quote:
Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
Monitoring the performance of medical professionals is a good idea. Monitoring it with a crap, meaningless measure is a crap idea. If your idea of monitoring GPs' performance is an open survey, completed by a self-selecting sample of laymen whose medical knowledge could be written on a paracetamol tablet with a can of spray paint, complaining because he refused to give them antibiotics to make their cold go away (which is what's being proposed here ATM), you have a performance measure so shit that other shits worship it as a god.

Just lovely.
 
Posted by Malin (# 11769) on :
 
Fantastic sig from Ultracrepidarian at the moment ...

quote:
And, for that matter, [I have] a pastoral concern for anyone who spends more than a few minutes a day taking part in blogsite discussions, especially when they all use code-names: was it for this that the creator God made human beings? -- N T Wright
... glad to know NT Wright is deeply concerned about me [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Hermes66 in Hell:

I'd rather be agnostic than antagonistic.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
This delightful description of the weather is by mrs whibley:

It has just stopped snowing really strange big wet snow here .... The chickens are most unhappy and are blaming us, as usual.

I can just imagine this as the start of a novel, and wanting to keep reading to find out what happens next....
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
Firenze, stating the undubitable truth that

quote:
Life is too short to rot your own anchovies.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
This delightful description of the weather is by mrs whibley:

It has just stopped snowing really strange big wet snow here .... The chickens are most unhappy and are blaming us, as usual.

I can just imagine this as the start of a novel, and wanting to keep reading to find out what happens next....

It's pity it's been posted here. (I think that it might count as "publishing", especially since the Ship basically copyright's everything here.) It would be a great entry to the
Bulwer-Lytten Contest. Maybe mrs. whibley could tweak it so that it would be submittable.

ETA: [Hot and Hormonal] I hasten to say it's NOT a badly written sentence, just wonderfully quirky in the Bulwer-Lytten manner.

[ 10. March 2009, 04:42: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on :
 
From Malin, over in Eccles:

quote:
Sometimes I feel totally at sea in a minefield of perspectives. [brick wall]


[ 10. March 2009, 09:26: Message edited by: kingsfold ]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
On the All Saint Vocations thread
quote:
Originally posted by Burbling Psalmist:
If God wants you (and I have a feeling He does), God will get you. [Angel] Which is both very cool and utterly terrifying...


 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Sandemaniac, in Heaven, sneaks a little Church History into a discussion about signs of Spring:
quote:
We seem to have Martin Luther living in our box bush, judging by the diet of worms that something in there is being fed by a male blackbird.

 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
Adeodatus explains the Liberal Democrats:

quote:
for non-UK Shipmates, they're a rather small political party, the political equivalent of a small yappy dog
[Snigger]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Janine, describing a wonderful meal:

quote:
We lay there for a while, like new-fed pet snakes, draped across our chairs and table as if the lamp overhead was our heat-lamp.

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
From the Heaven thread about artistic sheep.

The Weeder:
The sheep here in the Forest completely ignore the dogs, who try to herd hens instead.

cliffdweller:
(sigh). The story of my life.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Firenze responds to a Hell rant:
quote:

(extract from a mss found down the back of a 17th C radiator in the Bodleian)

'...and even from the Daies of the Prophet Jeremy, it hath fallen to One to Rail on the Follies and Vices of Mankind and the Sure Judgements which will follow on their Destestable Courses. Yet it is observ'd that Men are like unto certain Insects that cease not to copulate e'en as they are devoured, and that Ill Consequences in no wise dissuade Carnal Appetites. Thus it is that these Soothsayers are like to their Original Cassandra ever crying unto Deafened Ears...'


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
she's baaaack: [Axe murder]
quote:
soon as you get that beautiful old-growth endangered log clear-cut out of your own eyeball then you can bitch about the rest of us.

losers.

our little comet, back in our sky looking like a fuzzy tennis ball just before her fiery tail whacks us in the face.

[ 09. April 2009, 01:13: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
You've maybe all heard this one before, but it was new to me and made me laugh:


quote:
Originally posted by The Galloping Granny:
quote:
Originally posted by Angel Wrestler:

It's just hard to stay enthusiastic when you are really trying to engage folks and you're preaching to 8 rows of empty pews.

We used to call it 'preaching to the Wood family'.

 
Posted by Wet Kipper (# 1654) on :
 
From Lamb Chopped in Heaven, talking about vitamin supplements in the Question thread.
quote:
diarrhea.... is not something to sneeze at.
you're not wrong !

[ 11. April 2009, 09:39: Message edited by: Wet Kipper ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Sarah G, replying to another Shipmate:

quote:
Thank you immensely. I had planted some mushrooms ten days ago, and needed to compost them this weekend. I had completely forgotten until I saw your post.

 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
In the Prayer thread by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:

God keeps us all clasped tightly to his bosom, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Every once in a while we get to stick out heads out and wiggle them around a bit. But it's when we just want to curl up and bury ourselves that we're clasped most tightly.

[ETA a Happy *Sigh*] [Smile]

[ 29. April 2009, 20:42: Message edited by: jedijudy ]
 
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
Matt Black in his purg thread:

quote:

I like wearing Freudian slips; they're more comfortable than negligees and show off my figure to greater effect.


 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
From The Midge on Christian zeal:

quote:
Hopefully mature spirtual love should not spoil so many sausages as it matures.
I like it [Big Grin]
 
Posted by chive (# 208) on :
 
From Dal Sagno when the Scottish thread was diverted for a short time to Ecclesiantics:

quote:
Well, let's start with a discussion of appropriate colours for clerical robes:

Advent: black
Christmas: black
Lent: black
Eastertide: black
Pentecost: black

Still giggling when I think about it.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
The Great Gumby (on the SoF Eurovision Song contest thread):

That was the biggest load of balalaikas I've seen in some time.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Don't mind me, just taping something to the fridge...

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Ay de mi! What does this mean?

WE should fear, love, and trust Kelly, so that we do not stuff up our code, nor forget highly important commandments, and in particular never fail to supply a link to the Bible passage we are massacreing. This is most certainly true.

[Big Grin] (sigh)
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Leaf:
You could announce, "We no longer believe in the Trinity" and most would shrug, but God help you if you change the order in which the candles are lit.

Up in Heaven, on the "Marriage: The School for Character" thread, where it is even funnier in context.
 
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
THEN I get to mow the lawn. Yippie fucking skippy.

Get a scythe.
Fuck that. Get a goat.
Nah, I won't fuck a scythe. I'll leave the goat alone too.
From hell, of course.
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
From the 'You keep using that word...' thread in Purg, Petaflop did this thing:

quote:
The quoted claim is slightly unusual - escewing the more normal form "words mean what people use them to mean", demanding a cultural contextual reading.

Rather, to claim that "words mean what the author intends them to mean" argues for the tyranny of the author, which is itself a modernist attempt to cling to some semblance [of] absolute meaning in the face of a crushing post-structuralist critique.

However, I suspect that most instances of this claim are not actually making nuanced statements of a literary theoretical position, but rather using it as a euphemism in place of saying 'I misspoke'.

[ETA - I'm bluffing. I'm a scientist really]

Read it out loud to yourself, and you'll see what I mean. It's like a sort of brisk walk through a sun-dappled beech wood in September for the tongue. Exceedingly satisfying.
 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Originally posted by amber. in All Saints, about a senior member of clergy who says he can't write Flat Prose:

quote:
Minutes from his Meetings must be fun:

"Today we had a meeting
It all went very well
We discussed bits of heaven
and my colleagues pondered hell.

Tomorrow is the Synod:
We're going to have such fun!
I'd hope to drink a cup of tea
and eat a currant bun"


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ok, off-board quote, but very shippy, and causing me pause for thought:

quote:
It takes men two minutes to have an orgasm, and it takes women twenty minutes. What further proof do you need that there is no God?
--Penn Gillette.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
On an entirely different note: A more perfect tribute I cound not imagine--

quote:
Originally posted by Mamacita:
quote:
Originally posted by Erin:
RIP Billy Mays. You sold me a bunch of shit I didn't need. I will miss you yelling at me from the TV.

In memorium, I'm going to go throw a scoop of OxyClean™ into the washer.


[ 30. June 2009, 02:00: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Mamacita again, discussing Michael Jackson's demise with her offspring:
quote:
quote:
Originally posted by Campbellite:
Did they give you that look?

They were quite gleeful about it. I didn't raise no fluffy bunnies.
[On the deathpool thread, of course...]

[ 30. June 2009, 18:28: Message edited by: basso ]
 
Posted by booktonmacarthur (# 14308) on :
 
*BUMP*

Surely there is more to be quoted! [Cool]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
So go find it! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
All about Max thread in Hell:

quote:
Originally posted by Foaming Draught:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
"You really don't understand Calvinism very well." Probably not. I'm a wishy-washy Liberal, you see.

I'll send you some tulips.

FD


 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Gildas in Purg on the Are atheism and fundamentalism really the only choices? thread, partly because it made me laugh out loud, and partly because a post by Gildas is worth celebrating:

quote:
I may be missing the point here but this is all a bit like Barnabas62 saying that it's a bit challenging to join the SAS because you get to yomp across the Brecon Beacons with a bloody great rucksack on during basic training. You seem to be saying that it can't be challenging because the Paras also yomp across the Brecon Beacons with a bloody great rucksack on*. The point is that joining the special forces is difficult which ever particular lot you have signed up with.
<snip>
*ETA militaria anoraks who want to correct my blithe misuse of the training regimen of the SAS et. al. can get stuffed. It were all yomping across the Brecon Beacons when I were a lad.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
(Campbellite- [Snigger] Good one! I likes me tulips, even if I don't like TULIP.)

Originally posted by Firenze in response to Max.'s scatter-shot rant:
quote:

I'm grappling with the ideas that -

a) God has a dining room
b) it has carpet (why not wood? or tile? or stone flags? So much easier).
c) His dining room has shit all over it (pets? incontinence?)
d) He fails to notice (possibly failing faculties, possibly the nasty swirly pattern).

And you worship this being? Sounds more like a case for Social Services.


 
Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :
 
Damn, Lyda, you beat me! [Big Grin]

Firenze is one of the posters here guaranteed to make me laugh or thinks.
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
A twofer!

In the Metropolitan Community Church thread, in reply to someone basically stating gay men have sex at the drop of a hat (which is why they own so many hats) first this was said:

quote:
Originally posted by cliffdweller:
If GLBT persons had as much sex as some people seem to think they do, they'd never have time to march in parades, coordinate their outfits, or plan the Ultimate Destruction of Traditional Marriage, which we all know is their true agenda.

Then, in reply, there was this:

quote:
Originally posted by LutheranChik:
And it's always interesting to find gay women cut out of these scenarios. I guess while all the boys are doing the One Thang we're at home braiding the hair on our unshaven legs or something. [Roll Eyes]



[ 15. July 2009, 17:18: Message edited by: Spiffy ]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
From the coiled spring in his "Sack the Matey" thread in Purg. This is mostly for the record as I've not seen it before.

quote:

Well, you know,” drawled the old farmer, this matey fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise.”

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was.

The old farmer said, “When you’re driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s called a fencepost tortoise.”

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he definitely doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place.”

Who doesn't have these at w*rk too?
 
Posted by chive (# 208) on :
 
Spiffy cracking me up in hell:

quote:
I don't want to be in control of my life. I'd rather be in control of other people's lives.

DANCE, MY MINIONS!


 
Posted by OliviaG (# 9881) on :
 
RooK in Styx:

quote:
Deal with it.

Preferably somewhere else. I suggest a brothel; somewhere that even if they don't give a fuck, you can at least rent one.

After twenty years on the front lines of customer service, this just leaves me [Killing me] [Overused] OliviaG
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
A little history: Erin (as the end of a slippery slope argument) declared she was going to buy a lot of guns and keep them under her pillow. Gwai pointed out that would be quite lumpy, and Janine explains how it works:


quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
There are two kinds of lumpy-bedding royalty.

There are Pansy Princesses who bruise black-and-blue when you insert a dried pea under their mattress...

And there are Empresses who sleep with their treasures under their pillows, and such is the quality of the lady, the treasures shift and conform their positions so as to accommodate their Queen.

So there.


 
Posted by ephemera (# 13355) on :
 
I don't think anyone posted this. It's another Rookism and it's a beauty...
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Ah, the web of (internet) life is not always pretty. Especially when you watch a foolish buzzing bundle of terminal earnestness fling itself bodily into a loathsome glob of 99% pure trollite.


 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Kelly Alves, on the "New Dawn" thread in Purg:


quote:
And it was really the idea of taking communion again that did it. The idea of kneeling with a group of other spiritually hungry folk, having one of them handing you bread to feed you, and passing you a cup to refresh you, and watching the people at the altar serving each other a helping before they headed out to feed us-- this moves me more than I can describe.

[Tear]

(And move over, Anne Lamott!)
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Mousethief, on the Purg thread "Heresy of heresies":

quote:
Let the faith community that is without sin cast the first stone. (Thankfully the anabaptists are pacifists and don't throw stones at people.)

 
Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :
 
On the 'sex before marriage' thread in DH, Lamb Chopped posted this gem:

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
"Getting it over and done with" is a far better approach to dentistry than to sex.

If only you knew how many jokes have risen unbidden to my mind ...
 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
This made me smile:

quote:
Originally posted by Pancho:
quote:
Originally posted by Darllenwyr:
Surely one of the defining features of the True Anglican (TM) is always sitting in the back pew in services ...

Catholics do that too.

True ecumenism will be founded on a mutual fear of the front row.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
This quote from ken is appallingly politically incorrect, but hilarious:

"Oxbridge rejects from major public schools go to Durham or St Andrews. Posh students who won't admit that they really wanted to go to Oxford, really, go to Bristol or Exeter. Clever posh people who genuinely didn't want Cambridge go to Edinburgh or Sussex or Kings or LSE or sometimes Birmingham (believe it or not). Clever people who aren't posh and don't really care about being posh go to Imperial or Glasgow or Sheffield or Warwick or Leeds. Just possibly Manchester or even Nottingham. Ones who aren't as posh or as clever as they think they are go to York, or if they are having a really bad day, Reading."
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
It is certainly true that Bristol uni students (unlike UWE students) tend to be posh. I work in the chaplaincy and I hear their twangy accidents in the street where I live. They tend have posh names too.

I know that is a generalisation but, like most generalisations, there is a grain of truth in it.
 
Posted by Triple Tiara (# 9556) on :
 
More from ken, in his Hell call to coiled spring:

quote:
Its almost as if you thought that if you dared to actually say anything bad about the bishops, a crack squad of Arcdeaconmateys would chase down your broadband connection, leap out of your computer screen, bundle you into a passing Popemobile, take you to a deserted darkened abbey on the moors, tie you down on a desecrated altar, smear you with honey brutally stolen from peace-loving blind geriatric monks in Palestine, and release thousands of stoned starving rabid rats into the room to eat you alive.


 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
This typo from leo in the SoF Quotes file thread is gorgeous:

quote:
Originally posted by leo:
I hear their twangy accidents in the street where I live.


 
Posted by uncletoby (# 13067) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Triple Tiara:
More from ken, in his Hell call to coiled spring:

quote:
Its almost as if you thought that if you dared to actually say anything bad about the bishops, a crack squad of Arcdeaconmateys would chase down your broadband connection, leap out of your computer screen, bundle you into a passing Popemobile, take you to a deserted darkened abbey on the moors, tie you down on a desecrated altar, smear you with honey brutally stolen from peace-loving blind geriatric monks in Palestine, and...


I found it almost erotic until I got to the rats.
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
This typo from leo in the SoF Quotes file thread is gorgeous:

quote:
Originally posted by leo:
I hear their twangy accidents in the street where I live.


Whoops!
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I think that was a twangy accident.
 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
Patrick the rather saintly [Biased] in How to be "recognizably Anglican" thread in purg, opines delightfully

quote:
Anglicans have had relatively less experience taking England with them,* although they have done a pretty good job at showing the world that the Body and Blood of our Lord and Saviour should be followed with tea and then a Sunday roast.
*Than Jews taking Israel.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
RooK administers a well-deserved smackdown in Hell:
quote:

Words only have meaning in terms of what is generally agreed upon, unless you're Humpty Dumpty.

I have met Humpty Dumpty, and you, sir, are not he. All the kings horses and all the kings men would fucking push you off the motherfucking wall just to be done with you.

Hell quotes are rarely worth bringing to this thread, but Kelly and I both think this one more than meets the standard. Good one, RooK!
 
Posted by Wiff Waff (# 10424) on :
 
Timothy the Obscure in Hell:

quote:
... Sorry, I'm a Quaker and a psychotherapist, cursed with a double fluffy-bunny whammy...

 
Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
RadicalWhig, on the "Playing Church" thread in Heaven, made me thankful my older brothers used only the Native Americans for inspiration:

quote:
Surely every healthy child has played "Inquisitors and Heretics" with their little brother. I still have My First Breaking Wheel somewhere in the attic.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh, I had to save this:

After hearing about macaroni and cheese served at Vacation Bible School:

quote:
Originally posted by Gee D:
Sorry Lamb Chopped , but I had read VBS as Veneration of the Blessed Sacrament.



 
Posted by ephemera (# 13355) on :
 
Another great Gort-ism on the Amnesty thread in the Styx:
quote:
Originally posted by Gort:
What are you posting from? Some 14.4kps pedal-powered, cuneiform enabled chiseling device?


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Bulfrog. answers the burning question, "Spiritual but not religious: What does this mean?":
quote:
I've been thinking lately that it's like saying you're literate, but you haven't picked a language yet.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
From Ariel, so I can read and re-read it in the depths of Midwestern winter:

quote:
Since you ask - a baking hot afternoon of summer sunshine in Oxfordshire. Just right for visiting a historic house and wandering through beautiful gardens with old archways edged with climbing roses, and borders with tall blue and white flowers, then down to the stream, sparkling in the sunlight. Waterfowl swimming purposefully along. A huge fish coming almost to the surface, shimmering pale gold in the murky water. Butterflies dancing everywhere. Fields with sheep grazing peacefully under large shady trees in the near distance, lush, gentle green hills in the far distance. A deep azure sky. The first few leaves beginning to fall, a reminder that August is nearly done: slowly, inevitably, we move into the richness that is late summer and early autumn.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
And another, from Firenze (woo hoo!):

quote:
Originally posted by Helen-Eva:
Having been brought up by scientific atheists I played with dinosaurs and knew a great deal about their evolution... (Both the dinosaurs and the atheists, now I come to think about it)

I'm sorry, that just conjures a picture of you abandoned as a baby in the Jurassic wilds until found and suckled by a wandering herd of atheists...
 
Posted by booktonmacarthur (# 14308) on :
 
From the Styx thread on Ecclesiantics

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
quote:
Originally posted by Lietuvos Sv. Kazimieras:
I wonder why the administrators as a group have at this particular time seen it meet to act with one accord to quash any criticism or confrontation of their judgements.

I can't speak for the whole group, but my personal explanation is that I'm just a bad person - both petty and cruel. Strictly speaking, the Campaign To Crush Hope isn't scheduled to start until October.

 
Posted by To The Pain (# 12235) on :
 
From Lamb Chopped:

quote:
Because man does not live by bread alone. Occasionally a little cake is needed.
A little cake is always good.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Spiffy speaks the truth on the excommunication thread:
quote:

Lamb Chopped, if there's one thing I've learned in my ramblings around this great big world, it's that any church is sometimes indistinguishable from an asylum.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Gort in his Gort way explains the nature of perceived reality to RadicalWhig:
quote:
NOTHING you experience through your senses is the REAL thing. Gittit?

You sound as though you are watching a Milla Jovovich movie and bitching because her tits feel like a flat-screen TV.


 
Posted by Gildas (# 525) on :
 
That last one from Gort was sheer class, wasn't it?

St. Thomas Aquinas is sitting on a cloud somewhere kicking himself that it didn't make it into the Summa Contra Gentiles.
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
This is perhaps the best pithy rejoinder I've heard in a long while, from Moo:

quote:
quote:
Originally posted by RadicalWhig
What I am struggling to understand is how sane, rational, intelligent, honest people, can believe it.

I don't understand how sane, rational, intelligent, honest people can disagree with me about anything. However, I have long since accepted the fact that they do.

 
Posted by PeteC (# 10422) on :
 
And from that same thread, as well as Moo's comment, I like IngoB's

quote:
Originally posted by IngoB:
quote:
Originally posted by §Andrew:
(Oh, and IngoB, you can turn your anger to your priests that make it so easy for sacrilege to take place...)

What makes you think that I'm particularly angry? RW is a knave posing as a freethinker, you are a garden gnome posing as a philosopher. I'm expecting a white rabbit to run past, muttering "Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!", anytime soon now...

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Uncle Pete beat me to it! but he left out one of his great contributions to the thread.
quote:
Originally posted by PeteC:
quote:
Originally posted by RadicalWhig:
PeteC, you, of all the respondents to this thread, have been the most thoroughly arrogant. You have contributed nothing but scorn and unpleasantness. You've even outdone Leo. Well done.

Thank you. I do my best.
such modesty!
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Okay, so which thread are all of those from?
 
Posted by OliviaG (# 9881) on :
 
Being particularly weary of left-right polarization at this particular moment in history, this, from the Hell thread ' "the worst Bible verse ', made me [Killing me] :

quote:
Originally posted by BillyPilgrim:
... And you keep referring to those among us who disagree with you as "Marxists". Can you supply chapter and verse from the works of Karl Marx in support of your contention? And please not the one about the "opiate of the masses".

Or did you mean Groucho?

OliviaG
 
Posted by lady in red (# 10688) on :
 
Fletcher Christian describes life in Dublin

[Overused] [Killing me] [Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by rugasaw:

*I have doubts to your ability to understand anything deeper than Mt Everest.

Gosh, it's good to see Rugasaw around more lately. Yatahai, man.
 
Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :
 
From Anoesis in Hell:

quote:
Honestly, you make Jack T. Chick seem like a lucid and reasonable individual with something important to say...
Oh, I must remember that one! [Snigger]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Marvin consigns attention whores to Hell:

quote:
If you crave attention - of any kind - that much, go pay for it up a side alley like the rest of the losers and freaks.


 
Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :
 
What is it with LatA? (from, believe it or not, the apples thread in heaven: the whole thing is necessary to gain the context):

.
.
.
.
[Quoth LatA thus:]

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by Left at the Altar:
quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
quote:
Originally posted by ken:

Plant sex is much more complicated than our animal kind!

Oh, I dunno ...
Agreed. Just try having it with three teenagers in the house. Almost impossible.
I'm amazed you can have plant sex at all.
You should try it, MT. Stand in one corner of your garden with your male parts waving about, and put Josephine in another part of the garden, with her lady thingies at the ready, and wait for a bee. Tricky and somewhat time-consuming, but it gets you out of the house.

The kids find it very embarassing though and will do all they can to stop it.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
That was well worth it, Zappa. [Big Grin]

Archived, simply because it is such an Ecclesiantics thing to say:

quote:
Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:
Call me crazy but I love the click, click, click sound of a swinging thurible!


 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Ken on fine form on the Tchaikovsky thread in Heaven. Even though I disagree with large chunks of this (especially the Mozart bit) it was just a perfect read: [Smile]

quote:
On the other hand I find most pre-jazz piano music boring (except for the huge show-off concertos - talking of which the final of the Leeds Piano competition is on RIGHT NOW and the poor blole played a disctinct wrong note within a few bars of coming in - but other than that is doing pretty well) and I can easily get fed up with the dominant high-pitched violin-and-clarinet sound of a lot of late 18th & early 19th century music and I've had it up to HERE with boring songs with rambling tedious melody lines with some dull tinkly piano accompaniment and lyrics about depressed lost Germans wandering in the wintry wilderness trying to get up enough passion to top themselves and THAT BLOODY TROUT. I mean its a nice enough tune but did Schooperson really have to make the song three weeks long? If Berlioz had orchestrated it it would have been over with in three minutes forty five and involved a horn section the size of a planet, a number of distinct explosions, and ended up with the composer eating the fish on stage after it had been fried in a kettle drum.

OK, the Schupeople aren't always that bad, but they are that best when at their most populist and flashy. The serious intense stuff is boring. Out of the immediate contemporaries or successors of Beethoven - say the composers between Haydn and Wagner - or work written before 1848 - I prefer Rossini and especially Mendelsohn to Chopin or Schubert. And Brahms can be good when he is being sentimental, Berlioz when he is being pompous, and Liszt when he is showing off. Which I suppose is nearly always for all three of them.

And so I don't really like Mozart that much. He's alright, but too cool and too tricksy and too glib. The best bits are the operas and the religious pieces. When he lets some emotion in. (Or else fakes it well)

And why do foolish people say Bach is emotionless or mathematical? He's a screaming world of stuff compared to Mozart's mild-mannered slightly snooty uber-cool not-quite-frivolity.

Mozart's music so often says "aren't I clever? Isn't the Kaiser a nice bloke? Aren't we all rather clever together for liking Me? Would anyone like to commission a quartet? What are you doing after the party? Oh, no-one goes there anymore Darling! Yes, tedious, isn't it?"


On the other hand Bach's music typically says: "Glory to God in the Highest! And Peace to his people on Earth! And Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive glory and honour and power! And isn't creation wonderful! And there is all this stuff going on in my head! Talking of which I've been up all night and could do with a coffee. No, make that a beer. In fact I want a double coffee AND a pint of lager. And shoot that bloody piano player. AND WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PAY ME YOU TIGHT SAXON BASTARDS????"

Trust me, its all in there somewhere.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
[Killing me] That last bit about Bach about made me snort up my soft drink!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Eek!]

Damn, ken.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
However, let us not overlook the power of succinctness*:

quote:
Originally posted by Zappa:
As I first moved into circles in which classical music was spoken of, I dared to mention those composers I liked, Tchaikovsky and Elgar first equal among them. It was akin to saying one loves "Shine Jesus Shine" in Eccleeseywotsit.

*Mousethief, feel free to use this as a sig.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Simple wisdom, but absolutley true:

quote:
Originally posted by PeteC:
Weddings are meant to go off the rails, but somehow it all comes right at the end of the day.


 
Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
Alwyn pays tribute to ken in Purgatory:
quote:
debating with Ken in Purgatory feels a bit like, in a martial arts film, challenging the old man with the wispy beard and the enigmatic smile to a fight

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The prophets say the same thing over and over again, but does anyone listen?

quote:
the Bible is not there for us to look for textual loopholes which allow us to hurt and damage our neighbours in defiance of all we've been told about loving them.


 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
PhilA keeps it relative in Hell:
quote:
I've never heard as much utter musical snobbery in my life - and I've worked with church organists.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Beat me to it, C.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
RooK gives out some punishment for the economic problems of the day:
quote:
I hope you choke to death on your stock broker's testicles.

 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
I rather felt Crœsos' question had a point to it:
quote:

As an admitted outsider perhaps someone could clear this up for me. Which duties of an Anglican bishop require the use of his penis? It seems like many people regard this as an absolutely essential organ for whatever it is that Anglican bishops do, but no one seems to be willing to spell it out explicitly.



 
Posted by Nunzia (# 4766) on :
 
I love Quinine's response to Presbyopic on the Heaven thread in which we contemplate the possibility of getting an email from God.

quote:
Originally posted by Presbyopic:
He's not offering to enlarge any erm...body parts, is He?

That's what usually ends up in my spam folders.

quote:
Yeah, that sounds about right for a technology manufacturer, doesn't it - He issues you with something that just passes muster and then invites you to upgrade.


 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
I very much liked this sentence from Jessie Phillips' summary of the apocalyptic perspective, in Purgatory:

quote:
Our only hope is that there's a Great Big Sky Daddy up there, and that one day, the Great Big Sky Daddy is going to throw the Great Big Switch from the "Fucked" position to the "Sorted" position.

 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
B62 on the BNP:

quote:
Ah, this brought back some happy memories of the Nixon-McGovern campaign. Someone at the time commented on the choice this way.

"McGovern is a louse, but Nixon is a double-louse".

Voting is a responsible thing to do - all you need to do is spot a pin's difference between one candidate or party and vote on that. So far as the BNP and its leader are concerned, its not a case of louse, or even double-louse, but louse to the power of a very large number.


 
Posted by Trudy Scrumptious (# 5647) on :
 
In a discussion between Call Me Numpty and leo on whether panentheism was a Christian idea or not, I found this quote which, for me, epitomizes everything that is right about the Ship in general and Purgatory in particular, as a place (unlike much the rest of the internet) for intelligent debate.

Posted by Call Me Numpty

quote:
I'll have to scurry off and do some reading in order to disagree with you properly.

 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
patdys, on yet another navel-gazing thread in Styx:

quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
I used to think this was a community.
With all the second guessing, bitching and name calling, I have changed my mind.


It's a family.

But I wouldn't suggest calling Erin mum.

Kelly applauds and says she's LHAO.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
Basso, you beat me to it.
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
You beat me to it, too.
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
the multi-named artist currently named Silver Faux, in Hell:
quote:
For the record, I do not consider myself either liberal or conservative; self-absorbed pretty much covers it.

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Zappa, in Heaven
quote:
And, apart from Anne Hathaway I doubt if I'd recognize a film star if they shat in my shoes.

And I'd rather even she didn't do that.


 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Firenze, over on the "Good alcohol names" thread in heaven:

women in chiffon dresses with the kind of necklines that show off your appendectomy scar.

[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]

AG
 
Posted by W Hyatt (# 14250) on :
 
Johnny S, in response to The Atheist's "How far do Admin powers extend?" OP in the Styx:

quote:
Honestly, why don't you work these things out by empirical observation like everyone else rather than relying on revelation from above?

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
RuthW:
quote:
If the thread was some short-skirted floozy that was just asking for it, well, that'd be one thing. But assaulting a decent well-behaved thread is really out of line.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Lyda beat me, but I want to preserve the entire exchange:
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
quote:
Originally posted by Anna B:
quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
it seems like a perfectly good thread to me, very solid, nothing flashy or untoward, and nothing he in particular should have a problem with.

Goodness me, I don't know what the poor thread's appearance or behavior has to do with this. Next you'll be going around measuring hemlines. [Razz]
If the thread was some short-skirted floozy that was just asking for it, well, that'd be one thing. But assaulting a decent well-behaved thread is really out of line.

 
Posted by Hennah (# 9541) on :
 
I know it's been around for a while now, but I think Comet's sig (above) deserves a mention.

Makes me smile every time I see it [Snigger]
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Better quote it because when she changes it, it won't be there anymore.

"Have a Pheasant Plucking Day"
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
There's a tongue twister which goes:

I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son, And I'll keep on plucking pheasants, Till the pheasant plucker comes.
 
Posted by Organ Builder (# 12478) on :
 
The tongue twister I learned (in Church Choir, of course...) was:

"I am a very pleasant mother-pheasant plucker. In fact, I am the most pleasant mother-pheasant plucker that ever plucked a mother pheasant, Sir."

I did learn one very similar to yours (also in Choir), NEQ, but it was about fig pluckers...
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
Radical Whig in the "Why Bother with The Ship" thread in Purg:

quote:
my wife is Catholic and the Ship helps me to understand why she does strange things with candles.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Alfred E. Neuman:
quote:
Originally posted by Jamat:
...Any of you could have closed this thread pages ago.
Instead you let it become a pissing contest

I tried to keep my zipper shut but my dick kept sticking its head out and shouting, "Hey! Anyone wanna rumble?!"
[Killing me]
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Adeodatus in the "Assume there is no god" thread in Purg (thread is about what a god-less spirituality might look like):

quote:
PS:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
A magic hat and a god are on completely different levels, it seems to me.

I wish someone would point that out to a few bishops I could mention.

 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
THIS gave me much enjoyment at the mental thought...for some reason very funny....

Originally posted by RooK on the Why religion is dangerous, Part LXVII thread in hell in response to Jamat's post talking about The Athesit...
quote:
Personally, I'm hoping he gets blasted into jelly by a meteoroid - screw merely being disallowed access to post on a private bulletin board.


(I keep picturing lime green jello). [Killing me]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
relative newbie shipmate Anyuta on a bizarre little clusterfuck in Purg, now mercifully closed:
quote:
the plural of anecdote is not "data".
I need to post that on my wall.

[ 20. November 2009, 09:04: Message edited by: comet ]
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
Qlib on the "National Characteristics" thread in Purg.

quote:
Mixer taps! Who the hell wants bloody mixer taps?! You talk about them as if they were the sine qua non of civilized living instead of the bloody nuisance they actually are.

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Hiro's Leap, on the Hell thread about Cookie Monster loving vegetables

quote:
I'll be suitably outraged when Miss Piggy stops hitting Kermit and starts lecturing on the evils of domestic violence against men.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Kelly Alves on the IN CROWD:
quote:
I'm out because I had my fifteen minutes back in '02 or so, and you know you don't get that back. But I have high hopes that someday I will be desirable kitsch.

 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek, on the Time Travel Thread:
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
I am still stuck between the first celebration at stonehenge, which I think would be awesome, and the resurrection, which I also think would be a fantastic event. Actually, not the actual event, but a meeting after it would be good.

Good thing you specified that - I can just see you in the tomb with a watch standing over the dead body of Our Lord waiting to say, "Hello!" the moment he opened his eyes. "And how was hell? Did you find it harrowing?"

I'm sure that, being all-knowing, he would stay dead until your hour was up. [Biased]

Just [Killing me]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Ok, based on that and a couple other exchanges, I now pick churchgeek as my Quotefile Person To Watch for 2010.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Two from Ecclesiantics. On the topic of saying, "This is the Word of the Lord":

quote:
Originally posted by Think²:
I've always rather liked it - the liturgical equivalent to "fucking pay attention, people"

and later, on the same thread, this gem:

quote:
Originally posted by Angloid:
We anglicans are so woolly that at least Jesus won't have any problem recognising us as his sheep.


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Lambchopped to the Kid Who Cracked in the Styx:
quote:
I know we've had our run-ins before, but for the life of me I can't remember anything but a vague annoyance now. It's the Sooper-Secret Rub-Out Ray--the Admins use it to keep us from turning into a bunch of rampaging grudge monkeys. Stay around.
"a bunch of rampaging grudge monkeys" [Killing me]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Janine:
quote:
Sheesh. So he [Tiger Woods] might lose a couple endorsements, OOooOOooOoohhh. Maybe make eleventy-gabillion dollars next year instead of oh-God-oh-God-was-that-an-orgasm dollars. How sad for him.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Loveheart:
quote:
Originally posted by pimple:
OMG! If Christians can joke like this - can I come back? [Smile]

Is that you, Jesus?

 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Motherboard in Manifest Destiny in All Saints:

quote:
I may make cookies, if I feel the call from my hips, if they want some more inches on them.
I'm right there with you, sister!
 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
Ken on the attitudes of some MotR CofE parishes:
quote:
Opposition to homosexuality might be OK between consenting adults in private so long as they don't frighten the horses, but its not something decent people speak about in public.

 
Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
quote:
Yeah, sorry, I don't trust most bishops farther than I can throw them, and that particular bishop ain't particularly aerodynamic.

Spiffy, during the "Shivers down the spine" thread.

A comment with wide applicability!
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
mousethief to Mogwai in Hell on ken (ken?!) being incapable of objective conversation:
quote:
Damsel, you drank the Kool-Aid and then ate the cup.

 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Another one from RooK, this time from the Think squared thread in The Styx:

quote:
I can understand that you're doing it out of an interest to engage in conversation, but many people just don't like engaging in deliberately stupid conversations.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Originally posted by Fr Weber on the "Lesbians and the Bible" thread in DH:

Sex rarely has anything to do with "making sense". Reason is not the source of desire.

(edited to fix UBB)

[ 17. December 2009, 16:14: Message edited by: mousethief ]
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Hehe the description of the ol' fruit commparing anaglogy done in a splendid way. Cracked me up this morning....
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Actually I was just being a smart-ass about IngoB comparing the RCC Magisterium to the study of a neurological system. Apples and oranges. <snip! cut!!>Having back-pedaled out of the strange citrus and pomaceous fruit grove, here endeth the tangent.

(see post in its context here ) [Angel]


[keyboard skipped.]

[ 21. December 2009, 14:37: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oooh, I hope nobody cross-posts and gets this first:

quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
It might very well be my duty to bring an unbeliever to Christ. But I'm never gonna get it done by hitting him over the head with my Jesus puppet. People need to get a clue.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Oh not a quote, but loved this word:


quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
dogmarrhea


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Josephine:

It's a fact of life that you would do well to learn: any time you begin to think that you are the holiest, most pious, or most devout person in a group, that you alone understand the will of God, and that no one around you cares about the divine will, you should look for the wolf in your own heart, because it will be there.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
In other news, Think² gets her bitch on in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Think²:
I'll believe in your prayer ministry when I see you pray over an amputee and have their legs grow back. 'Till then, not so much.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Basso humbly requested I submit this while I am logged on:

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Singing Bass is easy - all you need to have is a beard and all you need to know is the tune to Hot Cross Buns. [Biased]


 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
In other news, Think² gets her bitch on in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Think²:
I'll believe in your prayer ministry when I see you pray over an amputee and have their legs grow back. 'Till then, not so much.


Meanwhile, I am thinking of Pinochio's nose growing as he tells of these healings.
 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ken:
quote:
Originally posted by ToujoursDan:
The comment section is even more hilarious... as if the Church of England is some totalitarian cult that has the capacity to brainwash anyone.

You are right of course. But its kind of weird. We can get scared of "brainwashing cults" set up by a few poor people in some decrepid city in the arse-end of nowhere. But the Church of England, which is the offical established religion (with free seats in Parliament for its top leaders) of most of the UK, that is the fourth or fifth biggest military power in the world, and within living memory ran the largest empire in history and has nuclear missiles and aircraft carriers and the best hunter-killer submarines in the world and the most efficient special forces military in the world and has started - and still starts - more wars than any other country in history, the Church of that England for all its compromise with power and establishment, is utterly and ineffably safe. Mostly harmless. Even cuddly.
From a thread about targeting children. Ya know, I never thought of it that way, but I think he may be onto something...
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
iGeek responding to brightmorning star in Dead Horses:

quote:

And you don't get to pronounce that I am not a Christian. Nope. Not in your remit nor power.



 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
A gentle lesson from Dal Segno (pardon the tautology!):

quote:
Swearing is not the same as rudeness. "You are clearly an ignorant slug with no more sense than an amoeba" is rude but contains no swearing. "That was a bloody brilliant post, you old bastard" contains swearing but is not rude.
Perhaps it is the chief divine purpose of dazzling pre-lunch constellations, to inspire such pretty posts!

{ETA escaped swearword)

[ 29. December 2009, 11:18: Message edited by: pimple ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Good Point, Spif.

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
If Jesus wanted me for a sunbeam, he wouldn't have made me a raging bitchmonster of doom.


 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
I'm pretty sure I've wound up here for that exact quote before.

But it's a good quote. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Meg the Red (# 11838) on :
 
It's a great quote, Spiffy, which is why I posted it a while back. Incidentally, I have several prospective purchasers for a T-shirt, should you decide to market same. Personally,I'd kill to wear one to our next extended-family gathering, if only to watch my brother Ethelred the Sanctimonious choke on his trademarked Oh-Gawd-We-Just-Wanna grace. [Devil]
 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Eliab, bless him, has been arguing on the Lesbians and the Bible thread in Dead Horses brilliantly, just to choose one section from this post
quote:
If you want to tell gay Christians that they must be celibate, and you want to convict them that what you say is true (rather than merely satisfy yourself that you have spoken on the right side) then you need to empathise with their temptations and choices, explain to them why such a thing is required of them, understand the reasons they give for doubting, and earn their respect by showing a readiness to listen and a willingness to consider fully everything they have to say. In order to win a hearing for your views, you have to grant your opponents a hearing for theirs - and that means really thinking about and angaging with what they are saying, not dismissing it because the Bible says so.

 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Meg the Red:
It's a great quote, Spiffy, which is why I posted it a while back. Incidentally, I have several prospective purchasers for a T-shirt, should you decide to market same. Personally,I'd kill to wear one to our next extended-family gathering, if only to watch my brother Ethelred the Sanctimonious choke on his trademarked Oh-Gawd-We-Just-Wanna grace. [Devil]

If you sell t-shirts with the spiffy quote, I would like the opportuntity to purchase one.

Acutally, more than one quote in this thread, I would gladly buy as a t-shirt. But that one is filled with such awesomeness, and a great testament to God's grace (why that is would take up too much space for me to type in this post).

[eta: more words.]

[ 02. January 2010, 18:25: Message edited by: duchess ]
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
RooK, in the Purg thread, "questions, questions":

quote:

Athiesm, IMO provides less answers than theism does.
If you're just looking for raw quantity: either a ouija board or a magic 8 ball will both provide more answers than either theism or atheism.


 
Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
This is Liberty's sig. right now:

quote:
"You don't support [your team] because they win everything in sight. It's not a declaration of faith in the club, but a declaration of faith in yourself – that you can retain some constancy in your life even when things are, well, shit."
[Paranoid] Who are you and how long have you secretly been watching the New Orleans Saints? [Paranoid]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
To the above: Oh, picky, picky, picky.

As for now:

You know, this next quote is the kind of sparkling little gem that makes the Ship worth reading.

quote:
Originally posted by piglet:
One of my fellow-altos in the choir makes little boats out of cough-sweetie papers; she had enough to singe the King of Spain's beard until the Altar Guild found them ...

ETA: we measure sermons by how many boats she can make. [Big Grin]



[ 08. January 2010, 01:38: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Gosh, thank you. [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
RooK, in the Purg thread, "questions, questions":


Athiesm, IMO provides less answers than theism does.
If you're just looking for raw quantity: either a ouija board or a magic 8 ball will both provide more answers than either theism or atheism.

[Two face]
 
Posted by fletcher christian (# 13919) on :
 
by bane of piety - a noob in purg:

quote:

A piece of advice for all those who are about to attempt to breakdown the book of revelation and glean some kind of prophetical understanding or spiritual meaning from it: Don’t. Instead drink about ¾ of a bottle of Wild Turkey 101 and watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. When you wake up, consider what you just experienced to be equal to a 12 week interpretation of biblical prophesy course and then go back to reading the stuff that aids your development as a human being and brings enlightenment and hope to mankind.

B warned, if you ignore this warning and delve too deeply into the Wacky fire and brimstone “ending” to the K.J.B. You may emerge a blabbering brimstone barnstormer who is only minutes away from being baptized in a snake handler church and keeps a close eye on his perimeter radar just in case those weird flying scorpion monsters show up earlier than expected.

Got to go. I need to polish my 7 bowls and sharpen my 10 horns.


That made me laugh... a lot
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
2 posts and already Quotesfiled-- I'm impressed!
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Crœsos in the "Bible-Believing" thread in Purg:
I think the standards for Christian persecution have slipped quite a bit in modern times. In the old days it didn't count unless a lion was actually eating you, but now it's all "woe betide me" if someone gives you a funny look! [Roll Eyes]


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
A lot of effort went into this post. Somebody had to recognize that effort:
quote:
Originally posted by ken:

Porridge is made with oats, water, and a little salt.

These corporate clones who say they want milk or sugar or fruit in it or want to waste time and effort making fake porridge in a microwave instead of on the hob (which is easier, quicker, and tastier) have obviously had their brains reamed out by evil multinational drug companies who want to sell shit to lobotomised gay Ford-driving five-a-side-football-playing Nazi paedophile disco-dancing bank-tellers who listen to Radio Two while stoned in plastic magnolia kitchens with net curtains. No free non-addicted human puts anything but oats, water and salt in the pot. What you put in the bowl when eating it is a personal matter best left to consenting adults in private. But it will come out at the other end sooner later.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I love the imagery of Hamp (an apprentice), on this thread, of an autographed pitchfork:

I agree with Freddy idea of Hell! Until someone goes there and comes back with an autographed pitchfork let us just say no one can testify to it's existence any more than you or I.
 
Posted by Liberty (# 713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
This is Liberty's sig. right now:

quote:
"You don't support [your team] because they win everything in sight. It's not a declaration of faith in the club, but a declaration of faith in yourself – that you can retain some constancy in your life even when things are, well, shit."
[Paranoid] Who are you and how long have you secretly been watching the New Orleans Saints? [Paranoid]
It's from this article in the Guardian and it's actually about a rival team of mine. But it sums the reason for the obsession. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Foaming Draught in the Oz thread in AS talking about a hospital chaplain's role turning up to the bedside whether invited or not:

We don't wait to be called, we hassle the poor dears anyway. It's a ministry known as the Annoying of the Sick [Smile]
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
The progression in this series of nested quotes from the Hell call that's tangentally about Valentine's Day made me giggle, but Erroneous Monk takes home the cake.

quote:
Originally posted by Erroneous Monk:
quote:
Originally posted by Curious:
quote:
Originally posted by five:
For VD itself, we get together with other long term couples and go out to dinner and swap stories about VD when we were single. The good and bad news about that is we've been doing it so long, we're knowing all the stories, but it is still good fun.

Um - not sure I want to think of Valentine's Day in terms of VD - but it does offer yet another card opportunity! [Big Grin]

Curious

We should definitely celebrate VD - after all it is a consequence of adherence to the Church's holy teaching on contraception. The service should be... ahem... clappy-happy.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
chiltern_hundred:
quote:
FWIW, I am a solid Christian, but sometimes revert to my liquid state.

 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
From a calling-to-hell thread

quote:
Originally posted by sanityman:
The people who took an instant dislike to you were just saving time.


 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
It's a long one, but it's well worth it.

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
quote:
Originally posted by Belle Ringer:
I once sent a letter to several churches, because dropping in on church after church for a month each (often you can't tell much from one visit) could take several years to stumble into a decent fit. A letter seemed like a more efficient way to narrow the pack.

My letter had only 6 points, less specific than the one quoted here. I asked that if they met half of the points, let me know. I enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope. Not one responded. That surprised me, not even stuff the most recent bulletin in the reply envelope!

Having been in several discussions on the Ship about what sort of people are not particularly welcome, I suspect my stating that I was a single unmarried adult got the letter tossed. Churches want families.

I doubt it, actually. I'll tell you what happened:

In two churches, there is no secretary (she-it's always a she--has died, retired, or moved away). The member who is supposed to handle the mail is leaving it accumulate on the desk and photocopier until it collapses into the waste basket or a black hole, whichever comes first.

In three churches, the secretary opened it and forwarded it to the pastor. He fully intended to answer it, but lost it under his own stack of paper work. In one case he used it to scribble down the hospital room number for a member in crisis.

In two churches, it got placed in the wrong mail cubbyhole, where it will sit until the finance chairman/youth director/ladies' aid president gets around to checking it (next year, then). At which point it has an even chance of winding up in the wrong place again.

In ONE church, the right person got it, pondered it, and composed an accurate, sensitive and altogether wonderful reply. This was placed in an envelope, stamped, and left on the roof of the car while the author loaded up the usual Sunday encumbrances, and merrily drove away. It is presently lining a squirrel's nest 30 feet up an oak tree.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Oh dear. That was just a straightforward description of my experience. [Devil]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Sabine, in rare form on the "Jesus Junkie" thread:

quote:
I find it interesting that the other two persons of the trinity are not as often subjected to the same level of tackiness.

 
Posted by cheesymarzipan (# 9442) on :
 
Chesterbelloc, in a hell thread:

In the land of the legless the one-legged man is nomintaed-driver. Or something.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by patriotic_mason:

I think Christianity sucks, especially orthodox Christianity. But I'm here because He wants me here. So I have resigned myself to His service and here I am.

Just [Killing me]
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
pimple, next door on FLP:
quote:
There once was a girl Chorister

OMG yes! Wasn't there just! She caused havoc! Suddenly we had fourteen extra tenors, and then when her voice matured and she joined the altos, ten tenors and seventeen basses switched sides and did irreparable damage to their vocal chords.
There was this perennial argument as to whether it was better to look into her limpid eyes or stand behind her and wallow in her fragrance.

Her father was a policeman - you remember? - and very, very protective. That's how I got this nose. How do you mean - was it worth it? I, um, what am I doing in here. Doing, not dopi9ng, yes thatsch itxzzz.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
AND Comet, on putting up with posters who annoy us:

quote:
you have Eddy, I have Silver Crackers and Skunk Cheese. We all have our own bears to cross.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Because of churchgeek, I will never see The Sound of Music. in quite the same way again.

quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
quote:
Originally posted by Jigsaw:
"...Well, when God closes a door, he opens a window".

What, to jump out of?

I've always hated that expression. If you're not meant to jump out the window (i.e., you're on the outside of it), you must be meant to climb in through it, which usually will get you arrested.


 
Posted by Angel Wrestler (# 13673) on :
 
From Althrwas in Hell

quote:
and so self-centred that cyclones follow you around taking notes!

 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Because of churchgeek, I will never see The Sound of Music. in quite the same way again.

quote:
Originally posted by churchgeek:
quote:
Originally posted by Jigsaw:
"...Well, when God closes a door, he opens a window".

What, to jump out of?

I've always hated that expression. If you're not meant to jump out the window (i.e., you're on the outside of it), you must be meant to climb in through it, which usually will get you arrested.


I prefer, 'When one door closes, another one shuts'.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Often wondered, succinctly put:

quote:
Originally posted by Super Tash:
Man alive why are all Christians on telly as mad as a box of frogs.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The football playoffs at Chez Janine:
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:

FG wanders over to me between gorilla-like roaring screams and chest-beating to offer me a drink or a hug or whatever. It's all good.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Lyda Rose offers her concise wisdom to a rather involved theological debate in Kerygmania:

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Says you. [Razz]


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Someone had to say it. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by kankucho:
quote:
Originally posted by Think²:
It's difficult to know why you'd want 200 foreskins really

It's a very versatile gift. You could stitch them together to make a nice handbag. Then just give the bag a quick rub and it turns into a suitcase.

[Big Grin]

groan!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Once again, a tumultuous thread where people were exchanging heated words about important concepts, and this is what jumps out at me:

quote:
Originally posted by Chesterbelloc:
Aw shit - preview post is my friend, and I don't even return his calls or nuthin'. My bad.


 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by dj_ordinaire:

I've no idea what this means. But on this thread I don't think that marks me out as particularly unusual.

Almost made this one my sig.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
RooK demonstrates the true meaning of brotherhood:

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
You misunderstand me. I described you snarkily (because that's how I have fun), but I don't really want you to change even slightly. You have more value as a difficult opponent than as some touchy-feely douche.


 
Posted by Carex (# 9643) on :
 
Janine ponders proper attire for a mix of liturgical traditions:
quote:
What the heck does one wear to church and a parade, on a Mardi Gras Valentine Hell Froze Over Pigs Flew Saints Won the Superbowl Weekend?

 
Posted by Dal Segno (# 14673) on :
 
Seeker963 considers the validity of different traditions' beliefs:

quote:
What I 'really' believe: we will all have a belly-laugh with God when we meet him about how wrong we all were. My way is made up. Your way is made up. God is a forgiving person and does not have OCD.

 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Patdys:
I am at a point where identifying all the weird shit people believe has made me question my faith. If what you believe is laughably wrong, then surely much of what I believe is bollocks as well. So many cultural interpretations and frankly elements of dishonesty, mental illness and sheer stupidity in both leaders and followers.

The church is a mockery of Christ.

The only thing I can hold onto is the personhood of Christ. And a relational understanding of the Gospel. At the end of the day I will tolerate your dishonest, frankly stupid freakiness and hope you will tolerate mine.


 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
passer, bashing the squiggley one in Hell:

In fact, I feel I'm ignoring an altogether more rounded and articulate angst-ridden onanist.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Who knew?

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Valentines Day will never be the same for me, ever since Sine spurned my love. How hollow I felt. So... used.

Even now I can't extinguish from my mind the sight of him eating iced cream with his damn fork, laughing at my fumbling attempts at reconciliation and offers of rug burns.


 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Mere Nick:
quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
It does boil down to most individual politicians being apostate hairy ticks, quite possibly Satan hisself

Well, we now have Beelzebama who was preceeded by Beelzebush The Younger who was preceeded by Beelzebubba who was preceeded by Beelzebush The Elder, so, yeah.
Well, that puts a new spin on that old joke about Poly-ticks.

[ 16. February 2010, 19:56: Message edited by: Bullfrog. ]
 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
quote:
originally posted by Gildas:
Statistics are like mini-skirts. They can give you good ideas but they cover up some important details.


 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Edward Green on this year's version of the Why Lent thread:
I may not be sitting up a pole, but I try to be on the crossroads.


 
Posted by Dal Segno (# 14673) on :
 
Peppone in The Sorn's Journey thread (worth looking at as it could be a Circus thread).
quote:
If you want it, Hong Kong has got it. And if not in real life, we can get you a pirated DVD of it.

 
Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
This gem from Bullfrog:

quote:
Oh, very well, you can do it with a sheep, but make sure it's a female!
illustrates the profound fact that context is all!
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by pimple:
This gem from Bullfrog:

quote:
Oh, very well, you can do it with a sheep, but make sure it's a female!
illustrates the profound fact that context is all!
[Ultra confused]

Excuse me?! I don't recall being consulted about this!

[ 25. February 2010, 22:04: Message edited by: Spiffy ]
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
From the thread about the death of the RichardDawkins.com forum

quote:
Originally posted by Mr Tambourine Man:
On the third day the Richard Dawkins Forum rose again...



[ 25. February 2010, 22:30: Message edited by: Spiffy ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Only in Kerygmania:

quote:
Originally posted by fletcher christian:
quote:


Then you'd say the The Amplified Bible was a paraphrase? (Jengie Jon)


I've (I have) never (at no time in past or future, on no occasion, not ever) seen (perceived, observed, discerned) that before (beforan in Old English but most likely of German origin relating to the German word bevor)

It looks like a piss take (joke, wind up) to be honest.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Golden.

quote:
Originally posted by RuthW:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
You know what I hate worse than dealing with birds out and about in the world? Humans. Fucking people; I hate them. So damned inconvenient. Preventing me from having a handy nuclear generator, because general availability would allow some douchebag to make it into a weapon of mass destruction. And don't even get me started on the horror that is WallMart.

Sure, but people don't poop on your car.

 
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Avalon, on the "Evangelicals Missing" thread in Purg, 3/3/2010.


quote:
quote:

I'm with Numpty on this.

I honestly don't believe there are many people at all who have a relationship with God, are genuinely seeking to follow what God tells them to do in the Bible, and yet don't go to church regularly, especially not in the US, where churches are easy to find and not many people are persecuted for going.

Heb 10:25 (widely cited in evangelical circles on this side of the pond) would provide one obvious reason why said group is so small.

The pretty-much inescapable conclusion is that the vast majority of people cited in the OP are either aren't genuinely born again, or that for whatever reason they are backslidden and not actively seeking to obey the Bible.

Oh dear! That's the end of that conversation then. Maybe I can tell a parable instead.

The Good Embarrassment
There once was a traveller on The Old Man's Road who fell prey to the Great Robber Gang of Stress. Ill Health, Large Mortgage, Business Readjustment and General Change to name but a few of the bandits. She was badly battered and stripped of all sorts of dignities and securities - left deeply depressed but only half dead.

Now, by chance, there was a string of pastoral interest available.

The senior clergyman saw her and was horrorfied and uncomfortable.
"Oh dear," he said to himself, I'm always terrorfied I will find an actual dead body - and this may be it, I believe in the doctrine of free will but a genuine dead body could make my theology rather dirty and unusable. It makes me so nervous to see people like this in this state with their wills so twisted and maybe even - dare I say it - dead. No doubt what has happened to her is the result of already freely making a foolish choice.

So, he passed by on the other side with his eyes averted.

Likewise the juniour clergyman came to that place and saw her. It wasn't whether she was dead or alive which worried him. He did believe in predestination so he was complacently sure that she was alright if she were meant to be alright. In fact it wasn't her he was worried about at all.
"Careful, " he told himself, "this could be an ambush for Me. She may just be a decoy - especially as she is a woman. I may end up Involved - rather beaten up and untidy myself. I cannot risk that."

So, he hurried to the other side and arranged to send her a casserole.

This, however, was too obscure for her so he had to also send her a virtual reality computer game wherein chicken dinners are good cures for bullet wounds to explain to her just how the casserole was a help to her.

Then came that Unorthodox, Impure, Left-Over-From-Another-Era (it's not our fault) Embarrassment (whom we're all ignoring in the hope that he'll go away).

She heaved a sigh of relief. After all it looked as if she may have been a little unorthodox herself to get here in the first place; and was now rather grotty and out of her own control. The Embarrassment may well be the right person for a rather embarrassed one.

And the Embarrassment was moved with pity...

But, fortunately for him, he was still part of The Team and had an active conscience well trained by them in the correct priorities. At the last minute it reminded him that he had already been unorthodox enough and once more might put him beyond acceptability.
"Hold on a minute, my lad," said Conscience, "this sort of adventuring is all well and good, proper to be taken on so long as you are still single. however, you are married - with children - and your family takes priority at all times. This could be thought provoking (and you know what you're like to live with when so provoked); physically risky (and you can totally absolve yourself by claiming your body's not your own with which to take risks); and, at the very least, it would consume time and other resources belonging rightfully to your Family."

"Didn't your parents ever teach you not to take risks for the sake of yourself - and your Family?" snapped the Embarassment, irritable with the relief of having recollected himself from the brink of, yet again, waiving a safety rule. "Fancy being out on your own on a road like this! I'll make sure that your Family hears about you".

So, the Embarrasment and his Conscience passed by hand-in-hand.

Unfortunately, it wasn't quite what her parents had taught her and, knowing what they had taught her, she wasn't altogether convinced that a message to them was going to help. The chances were that they were in some obscure Travellers' Inn either battered and worn out themselves; or nursing someone else who was. Nor would they understand why the neighbour who was nearby wasn't doing what the kindred who were far away couldn't.

Furthermore that whole interlude had also managed to draw to herself the attentions of yet another lurking bandit. Self Doubt was creeping up...

There probably was an angel on the road but, clearly, The Embarrassment's animal was not Balaam's Ass so, consequently, not even he saw it. None of them, therefore, ever saw the end of that story.


[Overused]
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Custard, in the "Has the concept of the Trinity outlived it's [sic] usefulness for Christians?" thread:

quote:
Originally posted by Hamp:
Has the concept of the Trinity out lived it’s usefulness for Christians?


No. Like the apostrophe, the doctrine of the Trinity is still really useful when understood and used correctly.

[Overused]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
OK, it's funny.
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
No one is crying over the abscence of Yorick

Absence?
You've come back?
Those times when you see only one set of footprints,
It was then that I lurked.


 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
A class act apology!

quote:
Originally posted by orfeo:
Wait, wait, I apologise.

I know, it's Hell, but even here there are times when one has to do it.

I shouldn't have said 'arrogant and wrong'. I should have said, for more clarity, 'arrogant and too thick to figure out why someone might select a quote containing a French word in it when making a comparison to a figure from French history'.

There. I feel better now.


 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
Some very sound advice from RooK on the anti-cat thread:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Well, I am pretty.

Reminder to self: Always leave sufficient time to forget what you wrote before you proof read, so that your memory of what was meant doesn't fill in the gaps of what actually got written.


 
Posted by Dal Segno (# 14673) on :
 
TMI from Lord Jestocost:
quote:
My chest is big and red! Come and have sex with me!

 
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on :
 
Ken stands up for the people here:
---
It is in public space that civilisation is born. The market, the city gate, the courts of the temple, the agora, the streets of the city, the forum, the church, the theatre, the public house, the commons, the town square, the beach, the park, the promenade, the football ground, the playground, the shopping mall. These are where people meet and where most importantly they meet people they wouldn't meet if they only met the people they intended to meet. They are where we rub up against each other, learn to negotiate our own way in society, become individuals rather than social clones of our parents, where we are socialised and develop our public, political lives. They are where we have carnivals, parades, bonfires, demonstrations, protests, marches, processions, street-parties. They are where unexpected social encounters happen. They are where unplanned social encounters happen. They are where unregulated social encounters happen. They are where democracy was born, where the Reformation came from, where things get done and deals get made, where politics is the property of the people rather then their masters, which is why kings and queens and planners and police and big business and bosses in general don't like free association in public space because they can't control it. Which is why they like alcohol bans and ASBOs, and "controlled strategies for delivering safe public space", and curfews, and customs and excise duty, and dog-toilet grass emptinesses round tall point blocks, and dole queues, and eavesdroppers, and emigration bans, and fences, and front gardens, and gated communities, and "get out of the car slowly", and ID cards, and immigration bans, and immigration control, and laws against electronic music with repetitive beats, and laws against riding bicycles on the pavement, and laws against secondary picketing, and laws against so-called dangerous dogs, and licensing laws, and logfiles, and monitoring, and paid informers, and passcards, and passports, and permits, and photography bans (when its you with the camera), and police permission for parades and demonstrations, and police spies, and private cars (for those who can afford them), and psychotherapists, and "show me your papers", and rfid tags, and state-funded state-regulated political parties, and the War Against (some) Drugs, and TV cameras (that they control), and windowless walls, and workhouses.

We live in a world of social sensory deprivation where isolated lonely people become little more than production units driving in their lonely air-conditioned cars to their lonely air-conditioned jobs and going home to their semi-detached worker-storage-units at night to be plugged into the Murdoch-mush satellite-soma-feed or the cable-cabal drug-drip to switch their lobotomised brains off like obsolete cars with empty tanks in a cold garage in a brutalist basement of a deserted dead ex-Soviet post-industrial complex in a snow-bound empty bus garage in the unvisited part of Belorus until their bosses have a use for them again. Fuck the Man! Break out! Disobey orders! Irritate someone! Get in the way! Shout in the Streets! Get out and talk to people and rather than doing what your capitalist lords and masters plan for you. Hang around on street corners!
---

The whole post is a good one.
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Anglican't celebrates Doublespeak:

quote:
Originally posted by Anglican't:
Thanks for running these ideas up the ship's flagpole to see whether anyone salutes. Personally, I think you should really try to take the full 360 on business-speak and embrace blue sky thinking. I did and I'm harnessing some real synergies as a result.


 
Posted by Loveheart (# 12249) on :
 
On the "This Sceptred Isle" (British) thread in All Saints:

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
We tried out the new dining table today and I have to say that it is entirely suitable for its intended purpose.

Glad to hear it. Do you intend to use it for meals as well?

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
From "How'd you change atheists?" in Purg

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
WHY do people want to 'change' atheists?

Yeah, sounds like they are lightbulbs.

Why not love 'em just as they are, the little godforsaken blighters.

Excellent!
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Organ Builder, in Styx
quote:
And as I slept, lo, a vision came unto me.

Because of their great harping and crying out, The Great Alligator was wearied. At last she did say, "Fine. Have it your way--no more Dead Horses Board. Discuss what you want where you want." And lo, there was great rejoicing throughout the boards.

After the passage of several weeks the trolls did come, and did wreak mighty havoc with their endless turnings of every discussion, until even the Limericks thread was not untouched.

Then did the people cry out, and say "Save us, O Scaled One, from this pestilence." But there was no answer from the Mighty Erin.

Then did the people cry out a second time, proclaiming their unworthiness and offering Chocolate. But the heart of Erin was still unmoved.

Then did the people cry out yet a third time, and the Gator was roused, because they did cry out at Feeding Time. There was a great roar, with much chomping of Troll-Butt. I saw new Boards and a new Dead Horses, restored in all its glory.

Great was the rejoicing amid all the boards, and the people shouted "Hail, Mighty Erin. We were wrong ever to doubt you."

Until six months later when someone opened a new thread in Styx complaining about the ghetto-ization of DH issues...

Then did I wake with a mighty start...

Erin's reply
quote:
I think Organ Builder's just earned himself a get out of jail free card. That made me giggle like a loon.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[Overused] I'm glad somebody saved that.
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Two thumbs up to this film review by Adeodatus:
quote:
Some friends and I sat through all of the Matrix films some time ago, with the express purpose of reading its mythic messages. . . . We decided that the movies are actually only superficially deep, but profoundly shallow.


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Robert Armin explains history to a student:
quote:
I remember how pleased I was when I came across a student who had never heard of Thatcher. I explained her to him in a gently neutral way: "Now you've read The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe? You remember the White Witch who ruled for years so that it was always winter and never Christmas? Well Thatcher was rather like that."

 
Posted by Robert Armin (# 182) on :
 
Thank you basso - I don't think I've been honoured by a mention on this thread before.
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Robert Armin:
Thank you basso - I don't think I've been honoured by a mention on this thread before.

Heh. Like buses.
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
IngoB, in the sin/forgiveness/golf Purg thread, gives this analogy of the Personhood aspect of the Incarnation, which is accessible and illuminative:

quote:
Perhaps an analogy would help. Take a dog. You can imagine "being a dog", barking, running around, sniffing, etc. Now assume that a lot of technological breakthroughs occur, and we can actually fully interface a newborn puppy with your brain, wirelessly and continuously. The puppy will grow essentially as normal, but whatever you may wish to call that which shapes its "dogness" into "this particular dog" will not form in the dog but rather in you. This does not turn you as human into a dog, though you will experience dogness. But you can still fully function as a human. This does not turn the dog into a human either, it still behaves like a dog: it barks, it does not speak, etc. Nevertheless, in some sense that dog is you: if the brain interface would be switched off, that particular dog would cease to be (and likely that dog would literally die, not being able to establish a "dog persona" instantly).

The dog - if it could think and speak - could reasonably claim to be you, because even though it is a dog doing dog things, it also is dog according to what you want. And if someone starts to kick this particular dog to death, then in a sense he has killed you: you as a dog. Something of you will die, your dogness. Finally, this dog will likely have your favor. For example, if you as dog are hungry then you are hungry as dog. Hence likely you as human will give you as dog food. To other dogs - if they could think and speak - this may well appear as a kind of magic: somehow you as dog can command a human overlord to do as you please. Yet from your perspective all that is happening is that you as a human and you as a dog are both you and hence act as one.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Quotes File, Very Bad Idea Division:

quote:
Originally posted by Think²:
I really hope you are not intending to start eight different threads on eight different customs at the same time - because I may have to hunt you down wth a blunt fork, a custard pie, three gnomes and a shrubbery.


 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Adeodatus, in the "What we say in hymns" thread in Eccles:

quote:
This morning, I sang a hymn by Charles Wesley that included the words

quote:
I am all unrighteousness;
False and full of sin I am

I thought, "Speak for yourself, you miserable old cow."

 
Posted by Think² (# 1984) on :
 
I was trying to find this thread to post that ! BUt I looked in All Saints !
 
Posted by Traveller (# 1943) on :
 
Spiffy has a wonderful putdown in Pastor.Rob's little prophesy about who is bound for incence and who for sulphur.

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
quote:
Originally posted by Pastor.Rob:
Sorry Spiffy you can go to hell too.

I would, but there aren't any interesting posts on that board right now.

[Killing me] [Overused]
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Originally posted by Esmeralda (when referring to Mary anointing Jesus with oil and wiping his feet with her hair):
This story tells us that whatever one Christian does in service of God, another Christian is bound to come along and criticize it.
 
Posted by AristonAstuanax (# 10894) on :
 
Normally, I would think this guffaw-causing outburst:
quote:
Originally posted by Gwai:
You foolish good for nothing who have no more chance of success than a ragamuffin with three butt cheeks! Since when I have ever pretended to be innocent? I haven't been to a church since I was banned from our local one for breaking Father Tucker's front tooth, I swear like a sailor, I can drink most of those foul-mouthed sailors under the table, and I slept around like a whore until I became too ugly.

to be about par for the course for our little game of Mafia.
Or at least it would be, if it weren't for this potential double-entendre . . .

Originally posted by AristonAstuanax
quote:
Another night in Miss Rachel's priest hole was out

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Moo becomes part of the Ship's lexicon:

quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
quote:
Originally posted by Moo:

I was going to post that link. You beat me to it.

Moo

That, of course, would have been a classic example of deja-Moo; a sense that we had been through this bull before.
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
iGeek, in All-Saints

quote:
I don't mind the pollen season, per se. I just wish the trees would stop having sex in my nose.

 
Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 
Eliab, in Purg (Three Main Themes of the Bible):


quote:
I cannot at this second, liberate someone I know from bondage or restore them to God's kingdom, but there are no end of people that I can, and must, forgive.

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
The ever-exquisite turn of phrase by Sine, in Hell to discuss a discontinued china pattern.

quote:
One – well me at least – hopes the matching crystal pattern was ‘Nada’. Then the table could be set with Nil and Nada, which would have a rather desolate ‘Waiting for Godot’ feel to it.
to which Ariel responded
quote:
Yes, and then eventually it would all start to look like Miss Havisham's wedding feast, with the hosts sitting round glumly, festooned with cobwebs, muttering, "Why don't they come?"

Can't be good for your Feng Shui. [Ultra confused]


 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
jlg in a Styx discussion about thread closures
quote:
Yorick, you've got pretty much everyone posting in disagreement with you, including IngoB agreeing with RooK and Tubbs.
...which must be a sign of the apocalypse

quote:
Are you playing some sort of personal Bingo game? Who else do you need to complete the card?
I'm such a Circus denizen that I enjoyed the mental image of a game of SoF Bingo. Sure beats buzz-word bingo to keep yourself occupied during a boring business meeting!
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
From the "Praying to Santa" thread currently residing in Hell:
quote:
Originally posted by Divine Outlaw Dwarf:
Presently, I'm feeling like commencing a novena to Lady Ga-ga for deliverance from humourless Christians with persecution complexes. They do far more damage to the public perception of our faith than any sci-fi series ever could.


 
Posted by Alwyn (# 4380) on :
 
Meanwhile in Hell, ken explains why Joseph Chamberlain can justifiably be called a "a dipstick of humungous proportions":

quote:
Originally posted by ken:
[...] This would be Joseph Chamberlain, father of the much nicer Neville Chamberlain and much more sensitive Austen Chamberlain? (And great-granduncle of Harriet Harman)?

The Joseph Chamberlain whose narrow nationalism and rapacious imperialism led him to betray his liberal principles and sell out to the Tory Party?

The Joseph Chamberlain whose resignation from the Cabinet over Gladstone's Home Rule Bill split the LIberal Party, and sustained the union of Britain and Ireland for at least thirty years after almost all Irish and half the British voters made it clear that they did not want it, so making the Irish rebellion and civil war almost inevitable?

The Joseph Chamberlain who lead the charge away from Free Trade and towards protectionism and Imperial Preference that was one of the subsidiary causes of both the First and Second world wars and perhaps the major cause of the economic depression between them?

The Joseph Chamberlain whose "Tariff Reform League" turned to paranoia and anti-semitism and was one of the founding institutions of the sad shambles of British Fascism?
The Joseph Chamberlain who was involved in planning the infamous Jameson Raid (an English terrorist attack from what was then Rhodesia against South Africa that was one of the causes of the Boer War) and then betrayed Jameson and his men, lying to Parliament, and then was found out when his conspiratorial telegrams were made public?

The Joseph Chamberlain who promoted Lord Lugard's policy of "indirect rule" in Africa, setting up an artificial structure of "native chiefs" in places such as central Kenya or Igboland that had never had them before, disenfranchising the growing black middle class of Sierra Leone, the Lagos Colony and the Cape Colony, keeping millions of Africans out of the government of their own countries for the next fifty years, artificially boosting the rule of a small aristocratic Muslim military elite over what is now northern Nigeria, and setting the stage for the ethnic and political turmoil of modern Nigeria?

The Joseph Chamberlain who desperately tried to ally Britain with Germany during the run-up to the First World War?

The Joseph Chamberlain who pushed through the Aliens Act, the first explicitly racist and explicitly anti-semitic immigration law for over a generation of Victorian liberalism?

The Joseph Chamberlain who was in many ways the political forbear ancestor of Enoch Powell (one of his greatest fans and author of a biography of him)?

The Joseph Chamberlain whose policies were heartily taken up buy AK Chesterton (cousin of the much more famous and much more intelligent and much nicer GK) who founded the League of Empire Loyalists out of the wreckage of post-war fascism, which was basically Chamberlain's imperialist racism, minus Chamberlain's economic radicalism, and with the addition of a hefty dose of irrational anti-semitism (Chamberlain hadn't been so much anti-Semitic as anti-everyone-not-English), and in turn went on to found the National Front and spawn the BNP?

The Joseph Chamberlain who's Unionism, Imperialism, and opposition to Free Trade split the Liberal party and made it unelectable for over a century (maybe for ever, they still haven't recovered) - with the exception of those elections in which Chamberlain also split the Tory Party over Imperial Preference and handed the election back to the Liberals for one last hurrah?

The Joseph Chamberlain who never joined a political party he didn't destroy?

I'm sorry, but when it comes to foreign policy, someone who was personally (if indirectly) responsible for the Boer War, the racist government of Southern Rhodesia, the Great War, the partition of Ireland, the strange death of Liberal England, the Great Depression, the Second World War, apartheid, the Rhodesia/Zimbabwe War, the Biafra War, the BNP, and Harriet BLOODY Harman, can in all honesty be called "'a dipstick of humungous proportions".


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Work it, ken. [Cool]

********

Faux comment, real funny:

quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
Well then, what is the stupidist thing you ever immediately regretted doing?

Pointing out the correct spelling of "stupidest"? [Razz]


I don't think that word means what you think it means.
The word "stupidest" refers, of course, to the most stupid thing within a given grouping.
The word "stupidist" refers, on the other hand, to a professional who fashions an entire career out of stupid.

Did you never watch John Wayne's movie, The Shootist?
Do you not know that a podiatist is a professional who fashions a career out of becoming close to smelly, mouldering feet?

The question in the OP was, what have you done, then immediately regretted, that instantly qualified you for a career as a stupidist?
But I don't think that word means what you think it means.
You prolly think I jist got drunk and made a stoopid spelling errar.
Pedantist.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Sine's back in Hell, where he belongs:

quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:

But you know....when some really bow-wow person comes over you can’t help but think “What about me makes this person think he’s got a snowball’s chance in Hell? Am I giving off some sort of troll pheromone? What’s the matter with ME?”

I know that’s wrong. I know it. But spiritual growth is slow and painful. One step forward, two steps back..

[Tear]
 
Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
Sine strikes again, on the Hell thread "Tits":
quote:
If inner beauty ever becomes the rage, I've wasted a bunch of money on a personal trainer.

 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
(I feel validated that others have put recent Sine quotes here, too!)
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Yorick:
This is a manifestation of Yorick’s Second Law of Thermoidiotics. When one’s guest is cautioned about their dinner plate with the instruction, ‘Careful, it’s very hot’, they are instantly rendered incapable of resisting the urge to touch it in order to find out.

I am going to add the word Thermoidiotics to my vocabulary!!
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I dunno, maybe boobs bring out the best in people.
quote:
Originally posted by Silver Faux:
Dumpling Jeff, do you think there would be a market for a deep-cut, square line woman's top with words printed just below the cleavage:

"I know they
look hot!
Now STFU!"

My guess is, if all of those words would not fit on the shirt, the lady doesn't need one.


 
Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 
At the top of page 2 on the Lay Presidency thread in Purg, we have this gem

quote:
Originally posted by ExclamationMark:
Those who want to do it one way with a priest will do it, those who want to do it on their own will do it.


 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(apologies, quotes function isn't working right now...) [That's decidedly odd. iF]

quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
quote:
Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
(One – well me at least – hopes the matching crystal pattern was ‘Nada’. Then the table could be set with Nil and Nada, which would have a rather desolate ‘Waiting for Godot’ feel to it.)

Yes, and then eventually it would all start to look like Miss Havisham's wedding feast, with the hosts sitting round glumly, festooned with cobwebs, muttering, "Why don't they come?"

Can't be good for your Feng Shui. [Ultra confused]

[Edited to insert UBB. iF]

[ 18. April 2010, 18:34: Message edited by: Imaginary Friend ]
 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Thanks, iF)

Spending a day at a nudist beach:

quote:
Originally posted by John P:
I did sunbathe but with a sock over my appendage, being fearful of sunburn.

[Killing me] Somewhere in Heaven Forester is frothing over the fact that he wasn't the one to write that line.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
To lower the tone a bit...

This falls in the category of "vulgar curiosity," but can anyone imagine why an elderly man of a particularly rugged, macho type, with a white beard and mustache, looks like a stereotypical sea captain, would be wearing pointy women's shoes with kitten heels? in the winter it's women's boots of the almost FM variety. To church. For at least four years.

Obviously I can't ask him, having some semblance of shame left. But ....

Please somebody tell me there's an orthopedic benefit or something.

The women's boots may indeed be comfortable and affordable. Then again, if he's spent that long at sea, anything could be possible. Maybe he shot an albatross?
Just [Killing me]

Coleridge, thou shouldst be living at this hour!
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Patdys on the baby bath bap thread:
Ultimately, I think Christians only agree on two things.
1) Jesus Christ lived, died and rose again.
2) Other Christians are complete tools for believing the crap they do.

Nail head, meet hammer.

[ 20. April 2010, 08:01: Message edited by: Yorick ]
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
You beat me to it, Yorick. I was about to post the same quote.
 
Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
Firenze, in Heaven's "Oh No!" thread

quote:
So you didn't go with: 'It's now an undead zombie chicken, and if you step out of line, mummy and daddy will set it peck your brains out' then? Seems like an ideal opportunity to me.
(Do I get a bonus for posting a Sine & Ariel quote which Kelly Alves also posted? [Big Grin] )
 
Posted by Yorick (# 12169) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Gildas:
Whilst we are on the subject of flashy lights can I point out that parking on a narrow road with two lanes, effectively reducing it to a one lane road and forcing the opposing traffic to engage in games of docey-fucking-doe, whilst you pop into the newsagent for your copy of the Swizzaway Currant Bun and a packet of fags makes you a complete and utter anti-social tosser and is not remotely mitigated in the slightest by your leaving your hazard lights flashing.

One day I will take your fucking wing mirror off. When I do, do not expect me to stop and leave my telephone number and insurance details tucked away under your windscreen wiper whilst I wait for you to emerge with your cancer sticks and right wing tabloid bilge.

Try walking to the newsagent in future you dozy lard arsed twat.

Just. So. Funny.

(And exquisitely phrased and scansioned.)
 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
MT and RooK, on the Indicators thread:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
And, as I said, feel free to be as smug as you like.

This is self-deprecating irony, right? Right?
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Please pass on my sympathies to your family, mousethief. You have just been exposed to a lethal dose of smugions from too much exposure to me. Before you die, your hair is going to fall out and you're going to hate everyone stupider than yourself.

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
All my hair has fallen out and I already hate people stupider than myself. Some progostician.

quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Shit. Maybe you're the one that irradiated me.

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Look upon my works, ye hirsute, and despair!


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Spike asked on the 'what if' thread:
What if God had sent a daughter?

To which Mousethief replied:
All her disciples would have left her the first time she got PMS.

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Spike asked on the 'what if' thread:
What if God had sent a daughter?

To which Mousethief replied:
All her disciples would have left her the first time she got PMS.

[Big Grin]

That is not a quotable quote, it is rampant sexism.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
In the 'Herp' thread in Heaven:
quote:
Originally posted by Firenze:
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
A fine hobby for one in the home of St. Patrick.

Ah, the Herp that once through Tara's halls...

 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
That is not a quotable quote, it is rampant sexism.

Well it made me laugh, anyway. We wymmyn need to laugh at ourselves a bit from tyme to tyme. If only so that we can win back a bit of time to laugh at the men. [Biased]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Besides, jokes about PMS are so old they have whiskers on them. Quaint, like women drivers or traveling salesman jokes.

And now for something completely different:
quote:
Be kind to your local census worker. You don't want to hear Jesus say, "I was working for the Census Bureau, and you did not answer me completely and honestly." ~mousethief

 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Firenze again on the Gordo's Blunder thread in Purgatory:

"Gordon may have lost the Rochdale granny vote, but he has probably gained the helpdesk one."
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Besides, jokes about PMS are so old they have whiskers on them. Quaint, like women drivers or traveling salesman jokes.



I have whiskers. Does that make me quaint? I've always wanted to be quaint.

[ 30. April 2010, 21:38: Message edited by: mousethief ]
 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
It makes you adorable. [Biased]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Think² hosting with style in Hell on one of the Arizona lunacy threads:

Originally posted by saysay:

.......Originally posted by Choirboy:
.......Yes. The Netherlands.

I know this is a tangent, but does anyone know why people are currently arguing that putting women on submarines is going to work out fine because it works in Norway and Canada? Because I thought that everyone knew that part of the problem is that their cultures are so very different from American culture - and even more so from the culture from which the military draws most of its recruits.

Purg is that way --->


Baffled Phasing Hell Host

[ 01. May 2010, 16:16: Message edited by: Sioni Sais ]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
... are we saying that Job's wife was right?

She was half-right. Go ahead and curse God, but you don't need to die.

Moo


 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Mamacita:
quote:
It's the nature of stress to be untidy. If it folded itself up and put itself away, it wouldn't be stress.

 
Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Birdseye:
quote:
I think one of the things that continually bothers me about God is that he loves me -he should, I feel, really be setting his standards higher...

 
Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :
 
On the Angry at God? Thread, LambChopped says what is probably going to be the way I get into Heaven (God willing).

quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
I'm afraid I do still yell at God. I know I'm being ridiculous, and I know 90% of the world has it much, much worse. But I've long since given up the hope of walking with some dignity into the Kingdom. I'll be the one staggering in with a bottle in a paper bag, careening first off one doorpost and then the other, until a divine arm snakes out, grasps me by the foot and yanks me in on my bottom.


 
Posted by Loveheart (# 12249) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
Firenze again on the Gordo's Blunder thread in Purgatory:

"Gordon may have lost the Rochdale granny vote, but he has probably gained the helpdesk one."

[Overused] spot on!
 
Posted by Imaginary Friend (# 186) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by MiceElf:
Can someone explain how you spank the monkey.

Please tell me the innuendo is deliberate!
 
Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Adeodatus:

quote:
Most of the time, the devil is a bloke we invent when we want to blame someone after we've behaved badly. E.g.:

Adam: "The woman made me do it!"
Eve: "The snake made me do it!"
Snake: "Hiss." [Translated: You bastards!]


 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
How to decide which books get included in the Bible - a choice:
quote:
Originally posted by Nigel M in the Authority for New Testament thread in Keryg:
There seem to be two uses of the word 'canon' in the whole debate: one associated more with the academic history of religions where 'canon' is the final decision of a authoritative group of notables who shake hands on the deal, pass a list to the publisher and say, "There you go my man, now be a good chap and slap a couple of dust covers on that", while perhaps 'canon' understood more within the faith community is similar to the situation where one notable waddles round the library of a another notable he is visiting at several removes and notes, "I say old chap, I see you have the same set of books that I have. Great minds think alike, what?"

Canon as a process, rather than an output. Or something like that.


 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by lilBuddha (seal clubbing thread in Hell) :
Honestly, I am not sure how most Apple owners can belong to a monotheistic religion and not be accused of idolatry.


 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Ah, Comet...

quote:
Life is short, I don't want to spend my whole life bettering myself. Sometimes I want to worse myself.


 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Ken, on the LibDems' role in the new government:

quote:
Originally posted by ken:

I sort of hope they do get Wales though because then we can use that great quote from "man for all seasons"


 
Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
Eliab's eloquent assessment in Dead Horses:
quote:
You seem to have perfectly grasped the point I was making, and imagined that I was saying something else.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
OK, it isn't often that FLP is quotes-file worthy, but I laughed a solid minute at this:

quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
Angry at God? Moo

Okay I tried that and I'm still angry.


 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
John P on The Meaning of Life in one sentence thread in Purgatory:

quote:
Originally posted by John P:

If, when I die, I am accused by the Almighty of not fulfilling my purpose I will honestly reply "Well I'm terribly sorry, but you might have made it a bit clearer."

[Overused]
 
Posted by infinite_monkey (# 11333) on :
 
Lyda * Rose in purgatory, about how embracing 1st-century Christianity does NOT require her to accept all modern "miracles":

quote:
I can believe in six impossible things before breakfast, but I can disbelieve a zillion impossible things before I tuck myself back into bed at night.

 
Posted by Esmeralda (# 582) on :
 
Apologies for doing this to an apprentice, but Protozoan's statement in Purg gave me a wonderful mental picture:

quote:
For me, being part of a church gives me a space where I can bounce off other Christians
S/he obviously goes to the Inflatable Church!
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Esmeralda:
Apologies for doing this to an apprentice, but Protozoan's statement in Purg gave me a wonderful mental picture:

quote:
For me, being part of a church gives me a space where I can bounce off other Christians
S/he obviously goes to the Inflatable Church!
At Stoneleigh 1999 there was an bouncy castle and *anyone* was allowed on it. Now I didn't see this but I am assured that Terry Virgo was seen on it grinning broadly because he was actually enjoying himself!
 
Posted by Gildas (# 525) on :
 
Thus spake Marvin the Martian (pbuh):

quote:
You can dislike us all you fucking want, but do NOT keep insinuating that we're just some sort of fifth column or sleeper cell for the big bad evil fundamentalists. At least give us credit for being honest in what we believe and do.

 
Posted by St. Stephen the Stoned (# 9841) on :
 
QLib, on a Hell thread about share prices. Or something:

quote:
Seriously, shipmates
I may not be a
Literary giant or even
Very good at
Exceptionally trite
Rhymes, like some I could mention.

Fancifully, perhaps, I imagine I
Am also not
Usually as big a
Xxxxing twat, as some I could mention.

archy found the shift key?
 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
wotthehell, archy. wotthehell.
 
Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 
Jigsaw, on what the well-dressed car is wearing this summer:
quote:
I'm not quite sure what a bigass truck is, let alone how you adorn it with super pricy Grills, or what a "Calvin peeing" decal represents, or how you bungee it in a bed, but it all sounds fantastic, and with a couple of England flags added for good measure, just think how you could increase your amusement.

 
Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
Mousethief on edges:
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
we're talking round pipes. Perfectly round. There is no edge. It's the exact 180° opposite of having an edge. You can't get any less edgy than a cylinder. Their edgeosity factor is nil. No edgeness. Completely unedgeified. It's not a sword in any way, shape, or form. Give it up.


 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Radical Whig in Purgatory:

quote:
So, for me, Christianity is really a philosophical choice, which I accept because it is good. It's a lifestyle I decide (attempt) to adhere to for its own sake, because of its inherent excellence and attractiveness, and not necessarily because it is literally true. Speculative understanding of the immortal gods/God is a fruitless task, about which I am in any case profoundly agnostic. Yet, if what is "good" is true, there is a certain ineffable "truth" at the heart of Christianity.

 
Posted by Evensong (# 14696) on :
 
Get as clever a you like: nonsense will still be nonsense. --Tom Clune

in a purg thread.

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
3rd Footer, in Ecclesiantics, on equal opportunity in liturgical roles:
quote:
I thought men's ordination to the flower guild was a dead horse.

 
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Provided as evidence that Tortuf is one shameless human being, and that to be flamed by some people is an honor:

quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:



Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, kfingers, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his back a thousand times, and now how abhorr'd in my imagination it is!
My gorge rises at it.

We here in the Ship come not to bury Yorick, but to praise him. The trolling that men do lives after them,
The good is oft interred with their bones,
So let it be with Yorick ... The noble jlg
Hath told you Yorick was an asshole:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Yorick answered it ...

He hath brought many agnostics home to Mumbai,
Whose medications did the general coffers fill:
Did this in Yorick seem ambitious?
When that the poor have cried in Mumbai, Yorick hath bragged:

What cause withholds you then to mourn for him?
O judgement! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason…. Bear with me;
My heart is in the coffin there with Yorick,
And I must pause till it come back to me.


 
Posted by Apocalypso (# 15405) on :
 
Mark Wuntoo, in his Purg thread OP:

pubic places had notices 'No spitting'
 
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
uncletoby, in the "Fermented or Unfermented?" thread in Purg:

If Jesus had really tried to foist non-alcoholic wine on a bunch of well-refreshed wedding guests, my guess is that he would have been crucified rather sooner than the gospel accounts suggest.

Mildly surprised Angloid didn't beat me to it!

AG
 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Psyduck said -

Or it might just be romantic imbecility transposed into a quasi-theological key

I love it - even though I'm not certain what it means.

[Smile]
 
Posted by Bullfrog. (# 11014) on :
 
On booze...
quote:
Originally posted by Leaf:
Wait, wait... so on this thread, mousethief is appealing to the plain meaning of Scripture, while NJA is arguing from his tradition? [Eek!]

I need a drink.


 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
This comment from Amanda B. Reckondwythe made me smile:

Whenever anyone asks me if I excercise, my answer is: "I get all the exercise I need attending funerals of people who exercised."
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
When I read the Greek of the New Testament I am constantly reminded of the words of my Greek professor. His field was classical Greek. He was also a devout Christian. He said that he read the NT with very mixed feelings. As a Christian, he was aware of the holiness of the text. As a lover of the Greek language, he was appalled.

Moo

[Killing me]
 
Posted by Imaginary Friend (# 186) on :
 
PhilA on the 'Liberals in name only' thread in Hell:

quote:
I don't think I could take an anarchist seriously with a double mocha choca frapo capo latte in his hand (unless he was