Thread: Scene 8: Finding the Inn/The Birth Board: Nativity Play / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 
Fawlty Towers, Bethlehem: No Vacancies

So here we are just outside the little town of Bethlehem. As the sun rises above the horizon, a sweet, sweet sound is to be heard. Is it the dawn chorus? No! Inside the clapped-out skoda, A Very Naughty Boy sleeps the sleep of the righteous. The BVM will just have to make the journey into town by donkey. Never mind, it won't be long before she can put her feet up at the Plaza!
 
Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
To Bethlehem we must now shift
Mary is here - she got a lift.

Likewise Joseph will soon have arrived
As to come in a limo he contrived.

Will Joseph wonder where Mary's been
(In a car with Brian, in the last scene)

I doubt it though, 'cause they'll both be delighted
Back with each other to be united.

The question now is where are they staying
And I will bet that Joseph's praying

That they will find, somewhere, a place
A hotel or guesthouse that's got space.

For Mary's time is drawing near
She'll soon give birth, that is quite clear.

So let us see what is to be done.
Who will make room for God's own Son?
 
Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
<Sotto voce>

I think Brian's sleeping the sleep of the just.

I wonder what Mary's doing. [Wink]
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Mary yawns, stretches, and glances at the sleeping Brian beside her. He looks so sweet and angelic when he's asleep, it's almost a shame to wake him.

She becomes aware that the loud snoring that she heard every single time she got up to answer the call of nature in the night (thanks, Lavinia!) has suddenly been replaced by an eerie silence. She glances at the back seat.


Where's the donkey?

And what's that note pinned to the top suitcase????
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Mary reaches over to the back seat... an interesting challenge in itself!... and grabs the note

Hay, Mary, got hungry in the middle of the night, and the Pringles and brownies are all gone. Headed for the town up ahead, and thought while I was dining, I'd go ahead and get everything all washed and ready for the twins. It's the least I could do for someone who kindly scratches behind my ears. Hope you don't mind, took the credit card, but left you the phone. When I'm done, I'll check you out at the Ritz.
Signed,
two hoofprints
 
Posted by The Cow (# 3656) on :
 
<lumbers on stage left>

Er.... moo.
 
Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
<Sotto voce>

Best thing that donkey can do is find a nice quiet stable with a mangerful of hay that he can get stuck into in peace.
 
Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*'Morning Has Broken'?*
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
The sound of a cockerel crowing three times reminds Mary that... ooops, wrong bit of the Bible. Try again. The sound of a lark singing sweetly in the tree reminds Mary that she should be meeting Joseph at the Plaza any moment now. The skoda is obviously out of action, Brian is sleeping as sweetly as ickle Jesus, the donkey's scarpered... there's nothing for it but....

Fairy Godmother, Fairy Godmother, wake up! Fancy a nice early morning stroll?
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
Ughhhh phght grrrph

[Snore]
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
A limousine pulls up alongside the skoda. Joseph hops out.

Oh Mary, there you are! I've been looking all over! Hope you slept ok...

What's for breakfast?

Notes Brian. Looks to Mary. Looks at Brian again. Turns to Mary.

Um.

Who's this?
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Never mind who's this?

Looks pointedly at limo

What's THAT?
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
grhhph pgthgh hummph sherrup wil you? [Snore]
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
<Jedi Knight walks around a strange vehicle.>

Hmmm, so this is a strange place for a pregnant lady to sleep. I'll just meander over to that little "Honey and Locusts King" joint, have some breakfast, and keep an eye on things.

JK sits in a clown-shaped cafe chair back center stage...
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Err...

Lightbulb above head moment.

Why, it's YOUR chariot, babe! I'm not having you walking all the way from here to the Plaz-

oh no.

Oh no no no no.

Another lightbulb above head moment.

Mary dearest, you did phone the Plaza like I asked you to, didn't you?
 
Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
<From prompt box - to Chief Stage Manager>

I don't think much happens in this scene - how about setting up a celebrity smackdown, Jedi Knight against Fairy Godmother?

Winner to take on Archangel Gabriel.
 
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
All right, I am done with this.

*starts banging on the wall*

Lemme outta here!
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Brian is a nice man.
A very nice man.
A very very nice man.

HE wouldn't leave a pregnant woman to travel into Bethlehem through this traffic on a ickle donkey while he travelled in luxury. Chariot, my foot! You think I believe that, Joseph Carpenter and you've got another thi....

Penny drops

ME phone the Plaza?
 
Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Cow:
<lumbers on stage left>

Er.... moo.

Welcome to our play, Ms Cow. I hope you enjoy your stay with us. [Big Grin]

Just one point... Lowing is permitted, nay, positively encouraged within the precincts of the holy stable. Scattering dirty great cow-pats like confetti is most definitely not!

Ask the sheep what happened to them after my little 'accident.' [Devil]
 
Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
da da daaaaaaa!
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Narrator:
<From prompt box - to Chief Stage Manager>

I don't think much happens in this scene - how about setting up a celebrity smackdown, Jedi Knight against Fairy Godmother?

Winner to take on Archangel Gabriel.

I heard that - I'm only pretending to sleep you know [Snore]
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
All right, I am done with this.

*starts banging on the wall*

Lemme outta here!

Ooooooooooh! [Eek!]

Look, we can talk about this later. I think you'd better get me to the Plaza quick!
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Narrator:
<From prompt box - to Chief Stage Manager>

I don't think much happens in this scene - how about setting up a celebrity smackdown, Jedi Knight against Fairy Godmother?

Winner to take on Archangel Gabriel.

Yeah, you got it! Ringside to be at upper stage right. Fight time 15 minutes. Warm up, you two!
 
Posted by The Cow (# 3656) on :
 
<shuffles across stage and exits, stage right>
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
The blessed Virgin realises, of course, that Joseph is just having his little joke about the Plaza, to divert attention from the limo. Perhaps she has misjudged him really, perhaps he had planned the limo as a surprise all along. He's such a sweetie, and he's being so understanding about the babies too. [Love]
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
Wouldn't I just look all big and brave picking on a teensy little fairy????
 
Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
quote:
Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
All right, I am done with this.

*starts banging on the wall*

Lemme outta here!

Ooooooooooh! [Eek!]

Look, we can talk about this later. I think you'd better get me to the Plaza quick!

<Director pales. Hisses at Musical Director>

Can you remember if anyone was cast as midwife?! [Confused] [Eek!]
 
Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
Wouldn't I just look all big and brave picking on a teensy little fairy????

You think? My money's on the Fairy.
 
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
Is that light I see?
 
Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Cow:
<shuffles across stage and exits, stage right>

Ahem...

You wouldn't be Passer By 3 in disguise would you?
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Director:
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
quote:
Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
All right, I am done with this.

*starts banging on the wall*

Lemme outta here!

Ooooooooooh! [Eek!]

Look, we can talk about this later. I think you'd better get me to the Plaza quick!

<Director pales. Hisses at Musical Director>

Can you remember if anyone was cast as midwife?! [Confused] [Eek!]

Don'y worry - Nanny Off is an experienced midwife (well in the books you know) [Smile]
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
ME phone the Plaza?

Yes, YOU. Like we agreed.

I can't believe this. I fill out the forms, I defend your honour, I get my own Pringles, I make tea, I keep your limousine pristine... and you! You can't even remember to do ONE TINY THING.

JUST ONE!

[Mad]

And now I find you with some tramp kipping next to you. I bought the whole anonymous conception thing, but if you're determined to make a man lose his rag, you're going about it the right way.
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
quote:
Originally posted by Narrator:
<From prompt box - to Chief Stage Manager>

I don't think much happens in this scene - how about setting up a celebrity smackdown, Jedi Knight against Fairy Godmother?

Winner to take on Archangel Gabriel.

I heard that - I'm only pretending to sleep you know [Snore]
Wake up, you are taking on an additional role. If you thought your first was exciting.......

Herod and the Evil Henchman can't keep all the physical violence to themselves....we need to heighten the intensity tonight.

 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
Is that light I see?

No

Mary, still in her rather dishevelled looking blue dress, sidles into the back seat of the limo, with her legs very firmly crossed

Hey fairy, can we offer you a lift?
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
Fairy Godmother, you suppose we can work up a little display to amuse these folks? I actually do better helping people than bullying them. Maybe I could be the midwife?
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Looks at Mary.

Why are you making those odd noises?
 
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
List of things to do once I'm on the outside:

1. Kill animals
2. Kill sexist pig of a stepfather
3. Find nearest vodka bar
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
Grumphfth...phfth...fth

*Opens eyes and realises there is daylight*

Oh hell - what day is it?

Late for work again....
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Joseph... did I hear you correctly? You're kidding me, aren't you sweetheart? I know you've booked the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. You promised! Go on, tell me you're joking.

Hmmmm?
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Director:
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
quote:
Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
All right, I am done with this.

*starts banging on the wall*

Lemme outta here!

Ooooooooooh! [Eek!]

Look, we can talk about this later. I think you'd better get me to the Plaza quick!

<Director pales. Hisses at Musical Director>

Can you remember if anyone was cast as midwife?! [Confused] [Eek!]

Good luck getting the Understudy onstage.... [Razz] [Roll Eyes]
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
I sense a great evil in the Force. Perhaps I should stick around for this birthing.
 
Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
Fairy Godmother, you suppose we can work up a little display to amuse these folks?

So much for that idea.

How about a tag-team match. Jedi and Fairy against Herod and Evil Twin?
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Realises current "blame Mary" tactic isn't working so well.

Oh, darling, I'm so sorry. I was so... there was so much to do... I just... I... well, I thought you...

I forgot.

[Frown]
 
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 enters stage righf]

*jingle*

Baaaaaaaaaa

*sheep plop*
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
Fairy Godmother, you suppose we can work up a little display to amuse these folks? I actually do better helping people than bullying them. Maybe I could be the midwife?

You do the dirty work - I'll do the swearing for her
 
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 attempts to climb into limo]

*jingle jingle*

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

*jingle jingle*
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Look, there is not, repeat not, going to be any birthing right now... YOU HEAR ME LAVINIA????

Serene again
 
Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sheep 3:
[Sheep 3 enters stage righf]

*jingle*

Baaaaaaaaaa

*sheep plop*

Groan [Frown]

Here we go again!
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Narrator:

How about a tag-team match. Jedi and Fairy against Herod and Evil Twin?

Even better. Narrate it in and it's a go.
 
Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
time for something to lighten the mood: 'Pretty Baby' by Vanessa Carlton.

Still trying to find an 'Evil Baby' song...

 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Narrator:
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
Fairy Godmother, you suppose we can work up a little display to amuse these folks?

So much for that idea.

How about a tag-team match. Jedi and Fairy against Herod and Evil Twin?

Now that is more like what's written in my job description!

I can just see it...a little purple fairy and a brown-robed Jedi fighting a purple robed Herod and a baby ???
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
You forgot? You forgot???????
That's a great one that is!

Scowls serenely at Fairy GodmotherI don't know what you're grinning at!

Joseph, I just don't believe it. I reminded you five thousand times. Honestly, if you want anything doing....

Look, I can't hang around here anyway, let's go and see if they can squeeze us into the honeymoon suite.

Ah!

Talking of honeymoons.....
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sheep 3:
[Sheep 3 attempts to climb into limo]

*jingle jingle*

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

*jingle jingle*

*Sits up and shakes head from side to side*

Must see the doctor about this tinitus [Frown]
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
List of things to do once I'm on the outside:

1. Kill animals
2. Kill sexist pig of a stepfather
3. Find nearest vodka bar

Still joyfully awaiting your birth. Will you join our tag team match after you complete these tasks?
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Joseph, you promised to marry me before we came to Bethlehem. Don't tell me you conveniently forgot that too!
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Talking of honeymoons.....

I knew you'd understand, babe. I mean, you're not an unreasonable lady, are you?! If you will make me do everything, I'm liable to forget things.

I'm only human.

Anyway, if I'm getting your drift, you want to get hitched? The thought's been on my mind every moment I've spent without you. Lucky for us, I saw a 24-Hr Rent-A-Rabbi on the way here.

Driver, to the Rent-A-Rabbi!
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Talking of honeymoons.....

I knew you'd understand, babe. I mean, you're not an unreasonable lady, are you?! If you will make me do everything, I'm liable to forget things.

I'm only human.

Anyway, if I'm getting your drift, you want to get hitched? The thought's been on my mind every moment I've spent without you. Lucky for us, I saw a 24-Hr Rent-A-Rabbi on the way here.

Driver, to the Rent-A-Rabbi!

Glances back at Brian still sleeping sweetly in the front seat of the Skoda and wonders whether she really is making the right move. Rent-a-rabbi??? This is not exactly the white wedding she'd dreamed of [Tear]
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Joseph!!!! The LUGGAGE!!!!!
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Joseph!!!! The LUGGAGE!!!!!

[Ultra confused]

Oh, and Rent-A-Rabbi looks very good, so you can stop being all suspicious.

They do free jacket potato and shandy receptions after the ceremony, y'know?
 
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Mary, if you still need a midwife I can help? And I'm a great babysitter. The kids will be fine with me...
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
JOSEPH!!!!! WE'VE LEFT THE LUGGAGE IN THE SKODA!!!!
 
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 settles down on the floor of the limo and begins chewing her cud]

*jingle*

Baa.

*chew, chew*
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
JOSEPH!!!!! WE'VE LEFT THE LUGGAGE IN THE SKODA!!!!

"We've"... that's a laugh.

Look, the only slot open at Rent-A-Rabbi...

Points to shop window.

Is now. We either get married, or we get luggage. The choice is yours.
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sheep 3:
[Sheep 3 settles down on the floor of the limo and begins chewing her cud]

*jingle*

Baa.

*chew, chew*

Why? [Roll Eyes]
 
Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*sings* we're <thud> going to the chapel and we're <thud> gonna get maaaaaried...
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Looks at Joseph... looks back towards where they left the Skoda... looks at Joseph again..

Luggage!
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
*Manoeuvres herself out of car door*

I hate sleeping on back seats of cars - no leg room [Wink]

Now where am I?
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Ooops, Mary suddenly remembers that they haven't booked at the Plaza and Bethlehem is filling rapidly. And Joseph is, after all, the man of her dreams..... isn't he?

I mean to say, luggage? That can wait. Joseph, I want to live with you for ever. [Love] Let's get married now [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Looks at Joseph... looks back towards where they left the Skoda... looks at Joseph again..

Luggage!

Driver, back to the skoda.

I can't believe this... we're MEANT TO BE MARRIED BEFORE YOU GIVE BIRTH! It says so in the gosp- I mean, I heard it prophecied.

By an angel!

{sotto voce}

If that excuse was good enough for her, it's good enough for me.
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Evil Henchman:
Mary, if you still need a midwife I can help? And I'm a great babysitter. The kids will be fine with me...

*Ahem!!!*

I knew I sensed great evil!
 
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
[Projectile]
[Projectile]
[Projectile]
[Projectile]
[Projectile]
[Projectile]
[Projectile]
[Projectile]
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
With a serene smile, Mary grabs Joseph's hand and runs into Rent-a-Rabbi. It may not be a white wedding, but at least she's wearing something blue!
 
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
Woman, you better find a place to birth me soon, it is TOO CROWDED in here with ol' what's-his-butt. He keeps trying to take my gun away.

Tag team? Is this a cage match?
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Ooops, Mary suddenly remembers that they haven't booked at the Plaza and Bethlehem is filling rapidly. And Joseph is, after all, the man of her dreams..... isn't he?

I mean to say, luggage? That can wait. Joseph, I want to live with you for ever. [Love] Let's get married now [Big Grin]

Oh, good grief. Make your mind up.

Driver, back to Rent-A-Rabbi. And fast!
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
With a serene smile, Mary grabs Joseph's hand and runs into Rent-a-Rabbi. It may not be a white wedding, but at least she's wearing something blue!

[Frown] I can't believe it - she's actually gonna marry HIM [Disappointed]
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Wow, that was quick. There I am, delivering orders to the driver, and we're already here.

Clever fella, Bert.

Addresses young woman behind Rent-A-Rabbi desk.

Hey kid, is Rabbi Blue available? We want a Budgeto-Express Wedding, and we want it now.

Young woman sighs, and waves Mary and Joseph through. Joseph turns to Mary.

There! See? Told you I had it all planned out.
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
Woman, you better find a place to birth me soon, it is TOO CROWDED in here with ol' what's-his-butt. He keeps trying to take my gun away.

Tag team? Is this a cage match?

Hey - I'm not going fight that [Help]

Not that I'm a coward - it's just that I know what's best for my self preservation

[ 16. December 2002, 21:07: Message edited by: Director ]
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Budgeto-Express ????
 
Posted by Fourth Angel (# 3647) on :
 
Do you need a witness? Or a best ma.. er, best angel or something?

With that Lavinia, you're going to need all the angelic help you can get.
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Budgeto-Express ????

Yeah. It was nice, wasn't it? Thought we might actually get to see the rabbi, but apparently not. And that loudspeaker he was talking to us from the next room through looked awful like a cassette player to me.

But hey, you're my little Mrs Carpenter now!

[Love]
 
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Fairy godmother is a wussy wimp who needs a good butt kicking.
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
I was going to ask the Fairy Godmother to be bridesmaid, but.....

and besides, it looks like she might be busy.
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Budgeto-Express ????

Yeah. It was nice, wasn't it? Thought we might actually get to see the rabbi, but apparently not. And that loudspeaker he was talking to us from the next room through looked awful like a cassette player to me.

But hey, you're my little Mrs Carpenter now!

[Love]

Hmmmmmmm... not quite what I had expected, but the honeymoon suite at the Plaza will make up for that, I'm sure. Oh Joseph, I do so love you! [Love] Where's the ring?
 
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Jesus' evil twin, do you want a gun or sword or anything? I got a sweet little daggar here - will nicely reach a person's heart when you hug them and stab them [Wink]

[ 16. December 2002, 21:06: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Evil Henchman:
Fairy godmother is a wussy wimp who needs a good butt kicking.

I heard that - pardon?
 
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 climbs out of the limo while Mary and Joseph are inside getting married, and wanders off looking for something to eat.]

Baaaaaaa

*jingle jingle jingle*
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Ring?

Ahhh, yes. Ring.

Snatches can of Coke from deskgirl, rips off ring-pull. Spits. Polishes. Hands to BVM(C.)

There you go, honeypumpkin!

Now, let's see if we can find somewhere to sleep tonight...
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
JK sits with fingers in ears...

I do not crave Excitement and Adventure.

lalalalalalalala...I can't hear you! lalalalalala
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Mary smiles sweetly at Joseph [Disappointed] He does his best, bless him, and his heart's in the right place... besides, by the feel of things, she'd better not hang around. She returns to the limo, walking a little awkwardly, and manouevres herself back in. The limo speeds off in the general direction of the Bethlehem Plaza
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
JK sits with fingers in ears...

I do not crave Excitement and Adventure.

lalalalalalalala...I can't hear you! lalalalalala

We crave it! Mediocrity and blandness doesn't make a vivid plot. We need hype and plenty of it.
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Having thankfully leapt in the limo before it sped off, Joseph turns to his dear wife.

There, there. I'm sure it'll all be fine.

Slaps pregnant bump.

Hear that, chaps? It'll ALL be FINE!
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
*Picks up discarded road map and studies it*

Ummm - just as I thought, just round the corner

*Wanders off in search of Hotel*
 
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Evil Henchman waves car down, and says:

Mary, I have a letter for you from Herod. It reads:

To Mary, I have Sven. Either you have an abortion, or Sven loses his head. Love your king, Herod. Mwah mwah.

Oh, and if it's too late for an abortion, then you have to kill the good baby once you've squeezed it out. Or give it to me.
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Evil Henchman:
Evil Henchman waves car down, and says:

Mary, I have a letter for you from Herod. It reads:

To Mary, I have Sven. Either you have an abortion, or Sven loses his head. Love your king, Herod. Mwah mwah.

Oh, and if it's too late for an abortion, then you have to kill the good baby once you've squeezed it out. Or give it to me.

Mary glances at the Musical Director and waves the note at him.

TXT TO MD
THOUGHT U HAD SVEN
IS HE SAFE?
NEED 2 KNOW
RGDS
BVM
 
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
And just in case you were wondering Mary, I have brought evidence.

There is a photo here of Sevn blindfolded awaiting his fate...
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Mary is in a quandary... she cannot bear the thought of a poor helpless animal being tortured. But at the moment she has weightier things on her mind, and on her bladder. She smiles serenely at the Evil Henchman

Joe, can we just stop at the nearest public toilets a moment... I need to...er... powder my nose.

Besides, I just tried ringing the Bethlehem Plaza and got the answerphone. It looks like the innkeeper may not be there yet, so we've plenty of time.
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Driver, stop the car!

Look Mary, there's a bucket out by that shed. Make it snappy - the TV only works when the limo's moving, and I want to watch the end of this episode of "Quincy".
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Evil Henchman:
Evil Henchman waves car down, and says:

Mary, I have a letter for you from Herod. It reads:

To Mary, I have Sven. Either you have an abortion, or Sven loses his head. Love your king, Herod. Mwah mwah.

Oh, and if it's too late for an abortion, then you have to kill the good baby once you've squeezed it out. Or give it to me.

***sigh*** I guess that excitement and adventure are following me.

Evil Henchman!!! Now, don't make me kill you before we even get to the real battle which I foresee in the Force.

JK ignites lightsaber and stands between EH and BVM.
 
Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Mary is in a quandary... she cannot bear the thought of a poor helpless animal being tortured. But at the moment she has weightier things on her mind, and on her bladder. She smiles serenely at the Evil Henchman

Joe, can we just stop at the nearest public toilets a moment... I need to...er... powder my nose.

Besides, I just tried ringing the Bethlehem Plaza and got the answerphone. It looks like the innkeeper may not be there yet, so we've plenty of time.

Cut to backstage dressing room where the Director is making fruitless attempts to persuade Understudy to take on parts of Midwife and Innkeeper.
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Unable to argue, Mary runs (OK, waddles quickly) across to the shed and disappears behind it. [Embarrassed] On her way, though, she takes a copy of Pride and Prejudice out of her pocket.

Hmmmm...... I'll give him "Make it snappy" Smiles serenely [Snigger]
 
Posted by Chief Angel (# 3706) on :
 
*Chief Angel runs in, out of breath*

Mary! Mary! Just had to let you know - there's a baby going to be born in Bethlehem in Judea tonight. He's in a manger in a stable. Go there right away!

[Angel]
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
*Assists Virgin Mary with bucket partially concealed in curtains.*

What a jerk! [Frown]
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Ever-so-accidentally chucks empty champagne bottle out of limousine so that it smacks Chief Stage Manager square in the head.
 
Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
TXT 2 MRY

HAD SVEN, GOT STLN BY HROD
HE BAD MAN - WATCH IT
TYPICAL PPL FRM MANCHESTER
ALWYS TWOCCING
HOPE BABYZ OK
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chief Angel:
*Chief Angel runs in, out of breath*

Mary! Mary! Just had to let you know - there's a baby going to be born in Bethlehem in Judea tonight. He's in a manger in a stable. Go there right away!

[Angel]

[Embarrassed] Do you mind???? [Embarrassed] I'm busy! [Embarrassed]
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Ever-so-accidentally chucks empty champagne bottle out of limousine so that it smacks Chief Stage Manager square in the head.

*Flings some left behind sheep and cow plop at Joseph.*

The love is mutual, buddy! [Mad]
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
OI, MARY, WANT TO HURRY UP? MY OLD GRAN COULD TAKE A SLASH FASTER THAN THIS. WE NEED TO GET A HOTEL ROOM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

{sigh}

And you're making me miss Quincy.

[Waterworks]
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
With you in a minute, darling!

whispers under her breath Just as soon as I've finished chapter three ! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 
Txt to Stg Mngr
Gt ovr hr quick!

Go slw at Bthlm Plaz
Ink gn AWOL
HLP!!!!!!!

Drat these new- fangled text thingies. Give me carrier pidgeon any day! [Frown]
 
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Slaps pregnant bump.

Hear that, chaps? It'll ALL be FINE!

OK, kill sexist pig of a stepfather has just moved up to number one on list of things to do in, oh, about ten minutes or so.

*sees light, makes a break for it*
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Musical Director:
TXT 2 MRY

HAD SVEN, GOT STLN BY HROD
HE BAD MAN - WATCH IT
TYPICAL PPL FRM MANCHESTER
ALWYS TWOCCING
HOPE BABYZ OK

Bother... this makes things rather difficult. Can the mother of God really have the blood of an innocent moose on her hands?

Feels a baby move inside her, and as Ickle Jesus sweetly sleeps, she has little doubt as to who it is

There again, maybe we can do a deal!

Smiles even more serenely

OK Joseph, let's get on our way.
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Director:
Txt to Stg Mngr
Gt ovr hr quick!

*runs to director's chair in the wings.....we have no Innkeeper?
 
Posted by Chief Angel (# 3706) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
quote:
Originally posted by Chief Angel:
*Chief Angel runs in, out of breath*

Mary! Mary! Just had to let you know - there's a baby going to be born in Bethlehem in Judea tonight. He's in a manger in a stable. Go there right away!

[Angel]

[Embarrassed] Do you mind???? [Embarrassed] I'm busy! [Embarrassed]
[brick wall] [Embarrassed] [brick wall]

Sorry, wrong night...

*Chief Angel effects a sharp exit USL*
 
Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by chief stage manager:
quote:
Originally posted by Director:
Txt to Stg Mngr
Gt ovr hr quick!

*runs to director's chair in the wings.....we have no Innkeeper?
We have no Innkeeper! [Confused] [Confused]

<Grabs flask from Fairy Godmother>

Do something! [Eek!]
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
With a pure and innocent smile at Joseph, knowing full well that Quincy will have just got past the interesting bit, Mary returns to the limo. She kisses Joseph on the top of the head.

Sorry I was sooooooo long, sweetheart. Now, I really do think we need to get to the Plaza jolly quick. Ask the driver to put his foot down, would you, my love?
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by chief stage manager:
quote:
Originally posted by Director:
Txt to Stg Mngr
Gt ovr hr quick!

*runs to director's chair in the wings.....we have no Innkeeper?
I think she's fainted.....splashes cold water on Director's face and pats her cheeks....."annie, annie, are you ok?"
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
OK Joseph, let's get on our way.

Finally! I thought you'd never finish. Driver, on to the Bethlehem Plaza!

Car starts moving. TV switches on. Quincy end theme-music plays.

[Frown]
 
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chief Angel:
Sorry, wrong night...

*Chief Angel effects a sharp exit USL*

Don't think I've said this in a while, so here goes:

(ahem)

"Bloody amateurs"

Carry on.
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Director:
quote:
Originally posted by chief stage manager:
quote:
Originally posted by Director:
Txt to Stg Mngr
Gt ovr hr quick!

*runs to director's chair in the wings.....we have no Innkeeper?
We have no Innkeeper! [Confused] [Confused]

<Grabs flask from Fairy Godmother>

Do something! [Eek!]

We permanently have no Innkeeper? A forever no-show? Or is this a stall....?
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Director:
quote:
Originally posted by chief stage manager:
quote:
Originally posted by Director:
Txt to Stg Mngr
Gt ovr hr quick!

*runs to director's chair in the wings.....we have no Innkeeper?
We have no Innkeeper! [Confused] [Confused]

<Grabs flask from Fairy Godmother>

Do something! [Eek!]

Like what?

I'm on my way to the hotel
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Oh darling. You missed it. I am sorry.
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chief Angel:

Sorry, wrong night...

*Chief Angel effects a sharp exit USL*

I'm the right Knight!

How can I be of assistance?
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by chief stage manager:
quote:
Originally posted by Director:
quote:
Originally posted by chief stage manager:
quote:
Originally posted by Director:
Txt to Stg Mngr
Gt ovr hr quick!

*runs to director's chair in the wings.....we have no Innkeeper?
We have no Innkeeper! [Confused] [Confused]

<Grabs flask from Fairy Godmother>

Do something! [Eek!]

We permanently have no Innkeeper? A forever no-show? Or is this a stall....?
Whispers an aside to the Chief Stage Manager I think she wanted you to understudy the understudy. Can you get to the inn ahead of us?
 
Posted by Director (# 3664) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by chief stage manager:
quote:
Originally posted by chief stage manager:
quote:
Originally posted by Director:
Txt to Stg Mngr
Gt ovr hr quick!

*runs to director's chair in the wings.....we have no Innkeeper?
I think she's fainted.....splashes cold water on Director's face and pats her cheeks....."annie, annie, are you ok?"
Comes to

It was never like this in panto! [Eek!]

I think I need to be alone. [Paranoid]

Staggers off towards the tea-trolley, a broken woman.
 
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
Y'know...

I have a spare room at the palace.

Ensuite, room service.

Free bottle of Bolinger for all those giving birth to future kings.
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
I'll understudy, Director. You just have to keep me out of hot water with the dreaded Equity Deputy. [Frown]

Yes, I can be there afore you! [Wink]
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Oh darling. You missed it. I am sorry.

So am I. Well, when your waters break, let me know. I'm going to have a nap in the meantime.

[Smile] ... [Snore]

Falls asleep. Spasms in sleep, elbowing pregnant bump forcefully and crushing Evil Twin's skull in the process. What a shame.
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
Waking up

I virtually live in the Crown Inn. Will I be able to help?
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
On second thoughts, I've got a bloody awful hanover. And superficial burns from sleeping next to that Dragon!

[Frown]
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Thoughts of snuggling up to her handsome hubby for the rest of the journey are sadly quashed by his protruding elbows, so to pass the time, she opens the window of the limo and serenely drops a trail of Joseph's Pringles and cans of beer along the road to Bethlehem. These are followed by the Sports pages of the Bethlehem Times

Whoops!
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
But I 'ave delivered sheep...lambs. You know...

Where's the alka seltzer?

And someone turn that (*&^% star off! It's too "£$%^& bright!
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Wakes with a start.

Mary, did you invite this comic shepherd to ride in our limo? He smells of sh... ploppy-poopy-whoopsies*.

Casually looks out of window.

We really should have arrived at the Plaza by now. Might have a drink to pass the time. And a quick shufty at the newspaper.

Oi, Mary, pass it over, would you? And get me some beer from the minibar, too. I'd prefer it if it was opened by the time it reaches my hand. If your feeble womanly hands can't manage the ringpull, get Ol' Stinky to do it.

(*=Terminology approved by the Grand Puritanical Council of England.)
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Whispers very very very quietly
Oh Joseph. I have just remembered, I left all your tools in the Skoda. Still, I am sure Brian will take care of them. He was a very very nice man, after all. [Big Grin]

Joseph slumbers on as the limo speeds towards the Bethlehem Plaza, where sundry cast members are apparently debating who should have the..er... honour of understudying the innkeeper.

Well, he can't say I didn't tell him, can he? [Angel]
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Oh drat.. he wasn't meant to wake just as I said that!!!
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Ah look Joseph, here's the Plaza!
I'm afraid you'll have to go in.... I might not make it!

Phew
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Often gives the impression of being asleep, but really wasn't on this occasion.

[Eek!]

YOU LEFT ALL MY TOOLS WITH THAT SLEAZE-BAG?!

[Mad] [Mad] [Mad]
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
Aside to Joseph

Idiot! I'm not in the limo! This is a little side-piece, the Inn in Bethlehem! Upstage right! Comic relief etc.!

outloud

Do I hear far off voices? As of idiots talkin'?
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
Do you want me to understudy the Innkeeper??
 
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on :
 
slowly to the front door of the Crown, felling quite queasy. What a night! Had a horrible nightmare of Jedi Knights and Fairy Godmothers in tag-team matches, and an innocent moose kidnapped by an evil king, and an evil twin wreaking general havoc.

Oh, well, good thing that was just a dream. That kind of stuff would never happen in Bethlehem.

One thing for sure, that's the last time I ever drink tequila.

Wanders out into street.

[Projectile]

Good, now I feel much better


Baaaaaaaa!
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Ah look Joseph, here's the Plaza!
I'm afraid you'll have to go in.... I might not make it!

Phew

Oh, good point.

Joseph has a short attention span, which is rather convenient for Mary - on this occasion.

Dashes in to reception.

My good man! Your bridal suite, toute suite!
 
Posted by The Cow (# 3656) on :
 
<lollops on stage left>

Er... moo.

Whispers to Director: I can pretend to be an innkeeper if you like. Although tonight was going to be my BIG night as The Cow. I've been practising my lines y'know. Listen:

Moo!
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by chief stage manager:
Do you want me to understudy the Innkeeper??

(Mutters) Looks like the job is yours if Jedi Knight don't want the role
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
Let the cow do it!
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
I left your tools?
I left your tools?
I like that!
[Mad]
I wanted to go back for the luggage but would you let me? Oh no! No, it was "You have to choose between your luggage and me!" Well, brilliant choice I made, didn't I? I'd have got more compassion out of a buzzsaw and a bag of chisels. And here I am, pregnant with your childre...er...well, pregnant with God's children and your stepkids.... You... you...

Takes off ringpull from finger and throws it to the ground

And you can have that back too!
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
(The Star flares and a single ray of light picks out the limo- a bit like a scene from an alien abduction when you think about it. Angel 3 slides down the beam of light and lands on the roof of the limo. Grasping the TV aerial and balanced like a charioteer, she leans into the wind...)
Someone has to warn them about Herod and his free room deals - and it's not real Bolly!
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Stares at space where, in a competent performance, a concierge would be standing and answering his query.

Trusts that the Reviewer will be sure not to associate him with this -up.
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
When they finds the Plaza's full (and let's face it, they won't want no blood on their sheets, no fear) they ain't comin' to the Crown, are they?

cos it's MY LOCAL!!!
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Sits outside and fumes that Joseph didn't even have the consideration to hang around for her outburst. Typical man! [Mad] Now she'll have to do it all again.
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Stares at space where, in a competent performance, a concierge would be standing and answering his query.

Trusts that the Reviewer will be sure not to associate him with this -up.

Look this is what you get for nursemaiding a pack of drunken Wise Men - too late to deliver the next warning!
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
I left your tools?
I left your tools?
I like that!
[Mad]
I wanted to go back for the luggage but would you let me? Oh no! No, it was "You have to choose between your luggage and me!" Well, brilliant choice I made, didn't I? I'd have got more compassion out of a buzzsaw and a bag of chisels. And here I am, pregnant with your childre...er...well, pregnant with God's children and your stepkids.... You... you...

Takes off ringpull from finger and throws it to the ground

And you can have that back too!

Mary, you know I love you really!

[Love]

(Isn't this cute? Our first row!)
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Stares at space where, in a competent performance, a concierge would be standing and answering his query.

Trusts that the Reviewer will be sure not to associate him with this -up.

I'm prepared to answer you. Awaiting Director's decision...... [Confused]
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Ah, only selectively deaf I see.
Can hear me ranting from inside the Bethlehem Plaza when it suits him, but doesn't hear me ask him to phone and make a reservation even when I'm stood right next to him.

Still, he does love me really, I'm sure....

JOSEPH... HOW ARE YOU GETTING ON WITH THAT ROOM? I THINK I MAY BE NEEDING THAT EN-SUITE SOONER THAN WE THOUGHT!
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
conspiratorially

Course, there'll be tears before bedtime, there will!

I likes this part, I'm being a sort of Greek chorus now, but there's only one of me, and I'm Jewish, not Greek....
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Sits outside and fumes that Joseph didn't even have the consideration to hang around for her outburst. Typical man! [Mad] Now she'll have to do it all again.

No fear. Your Blessed Psycho act - as you just observed - was audible in the reception. That's why I'm dashing out here to tell you how much I love ya, .

The other thing I've dashed out here to tell you is that the Plaza has been stricken by a strange flesh-eating zombie disease, and we can't stay here tonight. The staff are all gone. The guests are rotting in their hot-tubs. The concierge is munching on the bartender's brain.

On to the next hotel!
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
Or maybe not. (Portentous voice) Joseph,Herod is Not Your Friend. This looks like a nice place - five stars in the Guide Donkey, full birthing suite etc. Now where's the Innkeeper?
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Oh Joseph! We'd better be quick.

Serenely crosses legs

I hear the International is quite good!
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
Late, late. @##$! Wise Men. On to the next hotel...
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
Attempts to hurry outside to cover up the Crown's Inn sign. Better safe than sorry. Unfortunately, a hangover is not conducive to hand-eye co-ordination, nor balancing on walls. Overturns himself, and lands in cowpat in strange, shack-like annexe at back of Inn.
 
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
I'm WAITING. [Mad]
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Angelic being, you're welcome to stay at the Plaza. But I'm not letting my beloved wife-

sweet smile at Mary

-stay in such a place. Besides, I don't fancy having my brain eaten.

Points further down the road.

How about that little B&B over there? Shall we check it out, Mary dearest? The "International" looks a little pricey, no offence.

[Love]
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Well, you're going to have to wait, my girl.
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
Muffled, unintelligible words, of a person not wholly happy with life, and not fully gruntled.
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Well, you're going to have to wait, my girl.

Please [Embarrassed]
 
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Well, you're going to have to wait, my girl.

Wanna bet, old woman? The boy's got to be born in a manger, there's nothing that says I have to. I can be born right here and now if I want.
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Angelic being, you're welcome to stay at the Plaza. But I'm not letting my beloved wife-

sweet smile at Mary

-stay in such a place. Besides, I don't fancy having my brain eaten.

Points further down the road.

How about that little B&B over there? Shall we check it out, Mary dearest? The "International" looks a little pricey, no offence.

[Love]

Meaning you forgot to book the Plaza, h'mmm? Any port in a storm and all that?
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Dashes in to reception.

My good man! Your bridal suite, toute suite!

Firstly, there's a woman beneath these coveralls.

Secondly, if you don't have a printed copy of your advance reservation with your certified receipt of non-refundable advance payment of three night's minimum stay...I have No room for you in this Inn.

[ 16. December 2002, 22:46: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
Any port except the Crown. Got it?
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:

Points further down the road.

How about that little B&B over there? Shall we check it out, Mary dearest? The "International" looks a little pricey, no offence.

[Love]

Frowns serenely... time seems to be of the essence here

Oh, ok.

Crosses legs very tightly indeed and assumes an expression of sheer determination beyond the capabilities of a smilie to express [Eek!]
 
Posted by The Cow (# 3656) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chief Comic Shepherd:
....lands in cowpat

Aside: NOT one of mine!!
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Well, you're going to have to wait, my girl.

Wanna bet, old woman? The boy's got to be born in a manger, there's nothing that says I have to. I can be born right here and now if I want.
Your choice of course - but the Fairy Midwife seems to be missing. Probably fighting it out with the Innkeeper.
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by chief stage manager:
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Dashes in to reception.

My good man! Your bridal suite, toute suite!

Firstly, there's a woman beneath these coveralls.

Secondly, if you don't have a printed copy of your advance reservation with your certified receipt of non-refundable advance payment of three night's minimum stay...I have No room for you in this Inn.

Aside to the CSM Well done... now run on ahead to the B&B, you'll be needed again there.

[ 16. December 2002, 22:48: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
Stands in front of Crown Inn, reeking of cow pat and obviously obnoxiously hungover.

That should put them off!
 
Posted by Fourth Angel (# 3647) on :
 
Launches into a slightly off key version of that classic school nativity song...

Rat-a-tat-tat
Rat-a-tat-tat
No! No! No!
There isn't any room and you can't stay here.
Can't stay here.


*forgets the rest of the words so just rat-a-tats and no!s instead.*
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
There is no room at this Inn! Absolutely none!

This room is as full as an egg is of meat!

Not room for a mouse, let alone a preggers virgin with child(ren)!

Don't even think about it!
 
Posted by Third Singer (# 3712) on :
 
I thought the Inn was called the Roman's Return?

anyway just thought of a Song for this stage

I was born under a wandering Star.....

Third singer goes into a quiet cornor looking for the other singers angels and a glass of beer.
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chief Comic Shepherd:
Stands in front of Crown Inn, reeking of cow pat and obviously obnoxiously hungover.

That should put them off!

Just a suggestion, BVM - look for the stinky sheep wrangler and head for the Crown.
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Joseph, darling.... GET A MOVE ON, WILL YOU????? [Help]
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
Jedi Knight sits and relaxes for just a bit.

It seems Evil Henchman and Herod have gotten tired of baiting this lovely couple. The evil twin is still confined to quarters. Ahhhh! A little breather! [Big Grin]

Should I tell Joseph about attitude adjustments available with the tasteful gift of jewelry??? Nah. He probably wouldn't understand.
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Angel 3:
quote:
Originally posted by Chief Comic Shepherd:
Stands in front of Crown Inn, reeking of cow pat and obviously obnoxiously hungover.

That should put them off!

Just a suggestion, BVM - look for the stinky sheep wrangler and head for the Crown.
I'm in a parallell time zone here - try the Stable behind the Crown.
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Angel 3:
Fairy Midwife seems to be missing. Probably fighting it out with the Innkeeper.

I'm around - patiently waiting *yawns*
 
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
Dear God, woman, couldn't you have found a half-decent stepfather? This one's worthless.
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Joseph, will you pull your ^&^%$%^%$ finger out and find me somewhere to sleep tonight before it's too £$*&^#&^% late?

Smiles innocently and serenely

Oops, a bit out of character that, Sorry... but this is an emergency! [Angel]
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
(Angel 3 heaves a deep sigh and sits down next to the Jedi Knight.)
A nice string of pearls would do the trick. Now I have a cousin who owns a jewellers....
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
There is nothing, absolutely nothing, ruins a good local as much as a pregnant Virgin with a dopey husband-to-be turning up in the middle of a good pint of Old Bethlehem Peculiar. It's them or me, I tell you!
 
Posted by The Cow (# 3656) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Angel 3:
I'm in a parallell time zone here - try the Stable behind the Crown.

Don't even think about it!

I mean .. Moo.

I've got a nice room out the back. I only have to share it with a couple of sheep and things. But if you're thinking of giving birth on my nice clean hay forget it!

Ewww! Yuk! All that blood and slimy gore!
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Grabs the BVM, drops the kebab he was enjoying, and makes a dash for a delightful little... stable... that he noticed lurking at the end of the road.

There! Get comfortable with the straw, and do your thing.

Will you need any help?

Looks genuinely concerned. What a guy.
 
Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*after four chaps, 'Heartbreak Hotel'...*
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
Angel3, pearls would be perfect. Somehow I don't think it's ever going to happen, though. Too bad, she's a nice girl and I'm sure he's got a good heart. He just needs some help, you know.
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
Great! They're out in the stable-like annexe I fell in earlier. I hope they won't mind my little accident - falling heavily on a full beer-gut, you know. Sorry...
 
Posted by The Cow (# 3656) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
There! Get comfortable with the straw, and do your thing.

Noooooooo!

[ 16. December 2002, 22:58: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Joseph, look... we're standing right outside The Crown , and there's a sign in the window saying "Loads of vacancies" (Though I suspect that might just be talking about the clientele). Why don't we just try here?????

Preferably today!

Uh-oh!
No room, no room, no room!

Sod off back to the stable!

[ 16. December 2002, 22:59: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on :
 
Bored with wandering around, walks back toward the stable in back of the inn. Could use a good nap, Rudolph thinks. Hopes he gets to the haypile before that cow does.

Baaaaaaaa!
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Now, if the audience wouldn't mind averting their gazes.... you too, sundry cast members and audience.... All we need now is the midwife!!!!!

Oh and Joseph....

...after this I've decided... I'm staying a virgin!
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
If those Wise men were Wise ladies instead, they'd be here with clean sheets, towels and boiling water.
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Kicks cow.

Stupid bovine monster. Be quiet.

Notes with alarm that the BVM is mumbling incoherently.

No dear, we're INSIDE the stable now. Not outside.

Great, she's about to give birth to the Messiah, and what does she do? She hallucinates. Am I going to have to drag the little guy out myself?

[Eek!] [Devil] [Eek!]
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
[Eek!]
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
Angel3, pearls would be perfect. Somehow I don't think it's ever going to happen, though. Too bad, she's a nice girl and I'm sure he's got a good heart. He just needs some help, you know.

A good talking to from his mother-in-law would be a start. The man is obsessed with kebabs and Pringles. As for that pathetic excuse about zombies at the Plaza - too cheap to put his hand in his robe for a nice room if you ask me.

No of course he means well...
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
Immensely pleased with his night's work, Chief Comic Shepherd strolls back into the bar for a nightcap. Good job he was here tonight, or the babies might have been born in an Inn after all. There is nothing like an unceasing devotion to self-interest to keep history on its proper course!
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Angel 3:
A good talking to from his mother-in-law would be a start. The man is obsessed with kebabs and Pringles. As for that pathetic excuse about zombies at the Plaza - too cheap to put his hand in his robe for a nice room if you ask me.

No of course he means well...

We'll see how much he cares. He's about to prove it, I think!
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
If those Wise men were Wise ladies instead, they'd be here with clean sheets, towels and boiling water.

You can be midwife - too messy for me

I'll do the swearing like I said earlier - I'm good at that [Wink]
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
If those Wise men were Wise ladies instead, they'd be here with clean sheets, towels and boiling water.

But they're Men - I left them snoring in a heap at the Yerushalem Hyatt. What a night...
 
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 (still with plaits, bows, and bells) meets up with Rudolph and heads toward stable, hoping for some hay.]

*jingle*

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaa

*jingle, jingle*

*jingle, jingle*
 
Posted by The Cow (# 3656) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep:
Bored with wandering around, walks back toward the stable in back of the inn. Could use a good nap, Rudolph thinks. Hopes he gets to the haypile before that cow does.

Baaaaaaaa!

Get your thieving hands off! Haven't you got some cud to chew or something?

Ugh! This stuff smells of beer and sick! Oi! Rudolf, here's some hay for you!

quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Kicks cow. !

Ouch! This is only a play isn't it?
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Excuse me... anyone???
I could do with a bit of help here.
Could the heavenly host sing alleluia or something to attract attention away to another part of the stage for a while?
Musical Director, I'd appreciate a bit of music to cover the shouting (which I'm planning to do right in Joseph's ear!)
And surely somewhere there's a midwife with embroidered towels and hot water at the ready?
I mean, it's bad enough that I am surrounded by sheep and a cow!
Hmmm.. thinking about it, I think this is the first time in the whole play that I have not been surrounded by sheep.
 
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I am FREE AT LAST!
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
If those Wise men were Wise ladies instead, they'd be here with clean sheets, towels and boiling water.

You can be midwife - too messy for me

I'll do the swearing like I said earlier - I'm good at that [Wink]

OK!!

JK taps Joseph on the shoulder..

Joe? Would you like me to give a hand? I have boiling water here. I stuck my lightsaber in the water bucket and that did the trick. I can also use it to cut the cords, you know.
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
If those Wise men were Wise ladies instead, they'd be here with clean sheets, towels and boiling water.

You can be midwife - too messy for me

I'll do the swearing like I said earlier - I'm good at that [Wink]

*Sigh* !! Is Jedi Knight playing the Midwife?
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
quote:
Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
If those Wise men were Wise ladies instead, they'd be here with clean sheets, towels and boiling water.

You can be midwife - too messy for me

I'll do the swearing like I said earlier - I'm good at that [Wink]

OK!!

JK taps Joseph on the shoulder..

Joe? Would you like me to give a hand? I have boiling water here. I stuck my lightsaber in the water bucket and that did the trick. I can also use it to cut the cords, you know.

OK, this is your grand moment....

Make sure Jesus is first, won't you!!!

Aghhhh! Too late!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
Sure! I can do midwiffery! My best friend is an OB nurse, and she told me all about it!
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
quote:
Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
If those Wise men were Wise ladies instead, they'd be here with clean sheets, towels and boiling water.

You can be midwife - too messy for me

I'll do the swearing like I said earlier - I'm good at that [Wink]

OK!!

JK taps Joseph on the shoulder..

Joe? Would you like me to give a hand? I have boiling water here. I stuck my lightsaber in the water bucket and that did the trick. I can also use it to cut the cords, you know.

Thank you.

[Smile] [Not worthy!]
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Jedi Knight, you're so kind. Although I'm not entirely sure who or what you are. But beggars can't be choosers. Help all you can.

Turns to look at Mary, who has something slimey emerging from her.

Oh man... and ooze... I don't feel so...

Faints.
 
Posted by The Cow (# 3656) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sheep 3:
heads toward stable, hoping for some hay.]

There's some nice hay here you can have.

No, over here!

quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
I mean, it's bad enough that I am surrounded by sheep and a cow!

What's bad about it then?
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
JK holds Evil Twin by the ankles

I've got her , and I'll keep her out of mischief.

Push!!!
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
That's just *%$&* typical of a man [Mad]
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
No no no, never mind HIM! He's been in that state many a time before...

[Help]
 
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
*points Glock at Jedi knight's head*

Put me down right now.

Now where's that damn cat?
 
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
Baaaaaaaaa

*jingle*
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
Excuse me... anyone???
I could do with a bit of help here.
Could the heavenly host sing alleluia or something to attract attention away to another part of the stage for a while?

(Plainchant Alleluia with faux guerdon by Viadana)
Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia
Time for Joseph to do the riiiight thing/
Delivering our new born King!
Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia

(She then sings the Hallelujah chorus from the Messiah, doing all four parts. Where are the other angels? This business of singing bass and soprano is a bit wearying )
 
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
And surely somewhere there's a midwife with embroidered towels and hot water at the ready?

Forget the midwife, what you need is a mohel.

I believe my Henchman has a knife - I've just ordained him, by the way.
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
JK holds Evil Twin by the ankles

I've got her , and I'll keep her out of mischief.

Push!!!

No no.... get her out, get her out.
I'm doing a deal with Herod over this one!

Muses on the irony of this thread being held back by flood control
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
Jedi Knight easily disarms small baby girl.

OK, sister. You're too little to play with the kitty. Here, suck on this binky.

Where is the Messiah????
 
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
I don't want no damn pacifier, I WANT THAT CAT.
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
One down, one to go...

Herod, I don't know what you're doing in the stable, but you seem like a nice guy. Would you just take care of Lavinia while I concentrate on bringing forth the Messiah? Thank you soooo much.
 
Posted by Passer-by 3 (# 3711) on :
 
[Enters stage right, heavy laden with several large carrier bags of shopping. Exits stage left, still struggling under the weight of those same aforementioned shopping bags.]
 
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 eyes the baby being held by a strangely-garbed human]

Baa.

[Sheep 3 retreats to a far corner of the stable]

Baa.
*jingle*

[Sheep 3 finds a neglected pile of nice, clean, sweet hay in the far corner]

Baaaaaaaaaa.

*munch*
 
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on :
 
Looks up at the manger, to see a very evil looking baby.

Phew! And I thought the other sheep smelled bad.


Sticks tounge out at evil twin.


[Razz]
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
JK runs to bar with evil baby girl. Hands her to Chief Comic Shepherd..

Here, my good (but smelly) man. Hold this child, and don't give her to anyone except Herod, or his Evil Henchman.

Runs back to stable...
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
In between giving birth to the twins, Mary serenely grabs Sven out of Herod's pocket and throws him to comparative safety in the orchestra pit. He lands head first in the Musical Director's tuba, thus muting the sound. Now Mary can concentrate on producing the Messiah uninterrupted.
 
Posted by Donkey (# 3752) on :
 
Never fear Mary, Donkey is here!
 
Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*parphhhhhhhhhhhqsk*

Who's this? Landing in my tuba indeed!
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
One down, one to go...

Herod, I don't know what you're doing in the stable, but you seem like a nice guy. Would you just take care of Lavinia while I concentrate on bringing forth the Messiah? Thank you soooo much.

Herod is Not Your Friend either O blessed one! Mind you, he and Lavinia/Cyril/Letititia are amde for each other.
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
JK waves hand in front of Herod...

The child you are looking for is in the bar. Go, take it...

Herod leaves with a dazed look in his eyes.

OK, Mary honey....anytime you're ready!
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Donkey:
Never fear Mary, Donkey is here!

About bloomin' time, donkey! Where were you when I needed you? If you'd been there, I could have made it to the Plaza in time and bypassed Rent-a-Rabbi!
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
JK runs to bar with evil baby girl. Hands her to Chief Comic Shepherd..

Here, my good (but smelly) man. Hold this child, and don't give her to anyone except Herod, or his Evil Henchman.

Runs back to stable...

Wot the *&^%$?
 
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on :
 
< to donkey >

Wise Ass!
 
Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Donkey:
Never fear Mary, Donkey is here!

Oh what?

Where the hell did he spring up from?

Oi - blabbermouth - shut your cakehole there's a baby asleep
 
Posted by Donkey (# 3752) on :
 
(laying down calmly by Mary's side, patting her hand, scratching her behind her ear)
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:

OK, Mary honey....anytime you're ready!

Right, here goes....

[Eek!]

[Eek!]

[Eek!]

[Big Grin]
 
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
In between giving birth to the twins, Mary serenely grabs Sven out of Herod's pocket and throws him to comparative safety in the orchestra pit...

Pah! You think I'd carry the moose around with me?

That was merely a rat I was saving for my lunch.
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
You're 'avin a laugh, you are!

I comes in 'ere to get away from wives and babies and wot-not!

places evil, spitting child firmly on floor.
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
Good job, Mary! He's perfect...in more ways than one!

JK washes baby Jesus gently, wraps him in clean swaddling cloths, and hands him to BVM.
 
Posted by Donkey (# 3752) on :
 
It's a BOY! Let me get the blue layette stuff out!
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Comes round.

Our baby! We did it! Oh Mary, I'm so proud of us!

[Love]

Thank God!
 
Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
*Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah!*
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
Wow! Sixteen minutes apart! Lots of work for BVM!
 
Posted by The Cow (# 3656) on :
 
Ewwwwww! That's disgusting covering all my food in slime like that!

Lumbers over to Mary and the babies

Do you mind?! I have to eat this stu....
Awwwww! How cute! What a beautiful halo too!
This one looks kind of cute in an off-beat sort of way, even though it doesn't have a halo.

Sudden flashback:

quote:
Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
List of things to do once I'm on the outside:

1. Kill animals

..er no. I don't think this one is nice.

Er.. Moo.
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Donkey, I am afraid all the babyclothes were left in the car, along with the travel cot and all the other bits and pieces. There's no crib for a bed. Where on earth is the little Lord Jesus going to lay down his sweet head?

Hey Joseph, wake up! Come and see our gorgeous little baby boy. He's the image of his dad, look!
And could you rustle up a manger while you're at it? He needs somewhere to sleep!
 
Posted by Donkey (# 3752) on :
 
I'm just getting all teary eyed here, this is so wonderful! (Donkey grins, looks from Mary to Joseph, back again) I think I'm gonna cry!
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
Because evil twin is screaming uncessantly, CCS picks her back up, and pours some Old Bethlehem Peculiar into a sheep-feeding bottle he happens to have hany, spits on his hanky, cleans the teat, and stuffs it into her mouth. He is astonished by her pump-like action, and the way the bottle implodes

Bloody 'ell!
 
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on :
 
< nose glows >

Ah, this is a much more beautiful and pleasant baby than that other one.

I would bow, if, sheep could bow.

 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Joseph:
Comes round.

Our baby! We did it! Oh Mary, I'm so proud of us!

[Love]

Thank God!

(Angel 3 has now rallied the Angel Host. They dance on the roof of the stable singing for all they're worth)

ALLELUIA!!! ALLELUIA!!!!!!!ALLELUIA!!!!!!!!!!

(Some are also doing a bit of dancing on the head of a pin, by way of a change)
 
Posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd (# 3698) on :
 
Stage whisper I know it says "The Shed - The Ferret" in the programme, but just exactly what do I do in this scene?
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
JK lets Mary rest while Joe admires the little Lord Jesus.

JK proceeds to clean up messy birthing area, sterilizing everything, then makes a nice meal of fried red snapper, boiled okra and tomatoes, and birthday cake.

 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
I am awake! I'm just keeping as still as possible because I don't want that Evil one trying anything funny on me.

But if it's vigorous exertion you want, well...

Fashions a manger from a block of convenient wood, despite having no tools with which to perform this astonishing feat.

There you go, dahlin'.

Kneels in adoration of the nice baby.
 
Posted by Donkey (# 3752) on :
 
Well, I just happened to bring the blue layette with me, here ya go, all washed and ready to wear, and a manger, well, I have this Happy Meal bag here,....
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:

Hey Joseph, wake up! Come and see our gorgeous little baby boy. He's the image of his dad, look!
And could you rustle up a manger while you're at it? He needs somewhere to sleep!

*Provides large bundle of hay from props cart for Joseph. [Smile]
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd:
Stage whisper I know it says "The Shed - The Ferret" in the programme, but just exactly what do I do in this scene?

You gets in 'ere, quick-smart, and takes this little darlin' 'ome to your missus!

She just about deserves it, the old cow!
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
JK sits on a hay bail, drinking a glass of merlot.

He sure is a cute little one, isn't he?

**Yawn**

Hope we don't have any more emergencies for an hour or so.
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
Mary lies back and smiles serenely. The pain is forgotten. The child is born.
 
Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd:
Stage whisper I know it says "The Shed - The Ferret" in the programme, but just exactly what do I do in this scene?

(Be in adoration of the Baby Jesus as one of God's cute creations - the ferret......."oo" and "ah"... in ferret language)
 
Posted by Angel 3 (# 3687) on :
 
Little Lord Jesus
[Love] [Love] [Love] [Love] [Love] [Love] From all the Angels

...and Jedi Knight - what a trouper! [Love]
 
Posted by Chief Comic Shepherd (# 3660) on :
 
Losing interest in the demon-baby, and, indeed, in life in general, CCS leaves the bar to go abiding in his fields again. It is a beautiful, starry night, and one star seems brighter than all the others.

Ah, bootiful!

Exit
 
Posted by Donkey (# 3752) on :
 
(Donkey walks over to the manger) Look at the little bitty face, don't they just all look like old men? But this one is like, really, really, old! Like he's been around a few millenium or so. (Donkey reaches over and nibbles some of the hay in manger, hopes no one notices...)
 
Posted by The Cow (# 3656) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Cow:
This one looks kind of cute in an off-beat sort of way, even though it doesn't have a halo.

Of course, since it had already gone to the bar what I meant was:

That other one looked kind of cute in an off-beat sort of way, even though it didn't have a halo.

(Cows have never been good with verbal tenses, even if they can conjugate quite well).

quote:
Originally posted by Jedi Knight:
JK proceeds to clean up messy birthing area

Thanks pal. You're a star.
 
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
[Projectile]
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Angel 3:
Little Lord Jesus
[Love] [Love] [Love] [Love] [Love] [Love] From all the Angels

...and Jedi Knight - what a trouper! [Love]

<Deep bow to Angel 3 and all the Heavenly Host>
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
Wonder if The Cow and the other critters would mind if I took a little nap in their hay?
 
Posted by Chief Angel (# 3706) on :
 
*Chief Angel swings down from the rafters on the harness, and lands on the stable roof*

*sings*

Ha-llelujah! Ha-llelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Halle-ey-lujah!

And His Name, shall be call-ed
Wonderful Counsellor! The Mighty God! The Everlasting Father! The Prince of Peace!

[Angel] [Yipee] [Angel]
 
Posted by Donkey (# 3752) on :
 
(softly sings)
Aweigh in a manger
No ship for a bed,
The Lickle Lord Jesus
Lay down that old head,
The Stars in the play
look in from above,
the Lickle Lord Jesus
asleep in the love....
 
Posted by Passer-by 3 (# 3711) on :
 
[Enters stage left, looking a little pale and still heavy laden with several large carrier bags of shopping. Exits stage right ashen-faced, continuing to struggle under the weight of those same aforementioned shopping bags.]
 
Posted by The Cow (# 3656) on :
 
Feel free JK. It's an honour. If you clean up after yourself that is.
 
Posted by Virgin Mary (# 3653) on :
 
With a grateful nod to the animals for the loan of their stable, a wave of the hand to the angels and JK for their help and adoration of her beautiful baby son, and a serene smile at all who happen to be passing through the stable, the BVM falls asleep, secure in the knowledge that Joseph will mind the babies for her, new man that he is.
 
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Evil Henchman wanders in wearing a little skull cap and carrying a very very sharp knife.

Greetings and salu-thingies. I hear you've just had a baby son? You'll need him circumised promptly. Just pass him over to me, and I'll do the job over here in this dark corner.
 
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
EvilHenchman whispers to evil kid:

Hey, good to see you. There's a big bazooka and a chainsaw in my bag if ya want 'em. And Herod's kids are 'playing' with the cat - I'm sure you could help them think up some new games [Wink]

In fact, go off with Herod. He'll be more fun than these two saps.
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Evil Henchman:
Evil Henchman wanders in wearing a little skull cap and carrying a very very sharp knife.

Greetings and salu-thingies. I hear you've just had a baby son? You'll need him circumised promptly. Just pass him over to me, and I'll do the job over here in this dark corner.

NOT!!

All of a sudden, I'm not tired at all.

JK ignites lightsaber.

If'n you wants to keep those fingers, you will kindly drop the knife!
 
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Looks contemptuously at the Jedi-twit.

You reckon you could take me on? Hyeah, right. Keep trying sweetcheeks, maybe in another 10,000 years.

Evil Henchman deftly takes the good baby from Joseph, and turns away into a dark corner...
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Breaks Evil Henchman's neck.

I think not.

Returns baby to manger. Adoration by all continues.

[Love] [Love] [Love] [Love] [Love] [Love]
 
Posted by The Cow (# 3656) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Virgin Mary:
With a grateful nod to the animals for the loan of their stable, a wave of the hand to the angels and JK for their help and adoration of her beautiful baby son, and a serene smile at all who happen to be passing through the stable, the BVM falls asleep, secure in the knowledge that Joseph will mind the babies for her, new man that he is.

Such a nice lady. Hope you can stay a few nights. I'll even let you have some of my freshest hay for your pillow.
 
Posted by Jesus' evil twin (# 3702) on :
 
[Projectile] [Projectile] [Projectile] [Projectile] [Projectile] [Projectile] [Projectile] [Projectile]
 
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Then Joseph wakes up, realises he simply dreampt killing the Evil Henchman...

(Translation: Nice try, but remove the baby from me without killing me, I'm needed in other scenes. Plus I am more man than you, despite being a woman....)
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
WooHoo, Joseph! Gives Joe a high-five.
Nice w*rk!

Awww, I guess Evil Henchman is out of the "Bad Guy" business! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Couldn't you have been magically healed, or something? Bah, no imagination.

Spin-kicks the apparently gender-confused Evil Henchman, causing Our Lord to land comfortably in His manger and at the same time ejecting EH from the stable.

Happy? [Roll Eyes]
 
Posted by Jedi Knight (# 3686) on :
 
Well, that was a short-lived celebration.

Grabs Baby Jesus from EH and hands him to Joe.

EH, play nice, now! Follow the script!
 
Posted by Passer-by 3 (# 3711) on :
 
Or, another possible happy ending:

[Enters stage left. Exhausted, drops heavy shopping bags on Evil Henchman's toe. Evil henchman drops baby into passer-by 3's arms. Places baby in manger. Collapses stage right.]
 
Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Err, thanks Jedi, but this is a counterfeit baby, forged by EH in order to confuse us!

[Eek!]

Lobs counterfeit Jesus out of stable too. And decides to go to sleep.

[Snore]
 
Posted by bee_of_good_cheer (# 3672) on :
 
~appears on the hillside next to the stable with a league of fellow angels, all riding vintage harleys. they position themselves around the inn~

ain't NOBODY gonna mess wid the KING!
 
Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Evil henchman lands with a thud.

Oh shit. That plan didn't work. Umm, better go back to Herod, see if he had a plan C...

Starts walking.

(K, Joe, I know you're slow, but pay attention in other scenes. And read the profiles on the performance thread. I am female. You're a sexist pig on the other hand.)

[Sarks, pay attention to your coding. And spelling, for that matter.]

[ 17. December 2002, 10:17: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 
Posted by The Cow (# 3656) on :
 
Glad that's finally sorted. I'm off. Call me back if the Henchman resurrects himself again. I can produce some methane in his general direction which ought to finish him off.

Was that really Joseph? Or was that my heroic Jedi Knight in disguise?

Whoever: [Not worthy!]

Oh, and baby no 2: [Not worthy!]

Moo!

Exits stage centre

Ouch! That's a long way down!
 
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 emerges from her safe corner, walks over to the manger and stares at Baby Jesus]

*jingle*

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

*chew, chew*

Baa.
 
Posted by Sheep 1 (# 3671) on :
 
Sheep 1 wanders in, wondering if she's missed anything important.

Baaaaa

Spots a bale of hay stage left and settles down contentedly.

Munch.

Baaaaa
 
Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on :
 
Gazes lovingly at Blessed Virgin Mother and Little Lord Jesus asleep in the way

Baaaaaa! God be praised!

Nuzzles head against BVM [Love]

All this love sure drives that evil twin crazy, doesn't it? [Razz]
 
Posted by Chief Angel (# 3706) on :
 
Away in a manger the babies are born
And Mary is sleeping beside Jesus' stall
The sheep are still baa-ing,
the cow just says 'moo'
The star is still shining, the angels are too.

Lord Jesus is sleeping, no sound does He make
His sister's a noise-bag, but she went with EH
(The Jedi defended Jesus from his knife
But I'm sure he'll be back with even more strife)

I must leave the stable to ride my Harley
My work here is finished, that's plain to me
See you all on the hillside tomorrow at eight
To tell news to the shepherds -
so don't you be late

[Angel] [Two face] [Angel]
 
Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 nibbles off one off the cerulean bows holding a tiny jingle bell that bee_of_good_cheer plaited into her fleece, and carefully puts it in the manger with the baby.]

Baaaa

*jingle*
 
Posted by bee_of_good_cheer (# 3672) on :
 
angels standing guard around the inn bring dobros and harmonicas out of saddle bags and begin to mark the time with some kaiser and mansfield ditties.

There's a blessed time a comin comin soon
Maybe even mornin night or noon
The wedding of the bride united with the groom
We shall see the King when he comes......
 
Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Music Director: Cue the theme from "Mission: Impossible," please, as the Wise Men start sneaking out of the hotel.

Dum dum! daa, da dumdum! Da da dumdum!

MONTAGE: Various scenes of Wise Men packing, sneaking out of their rooms, dodging Herod's spies.

Dum dum! daa, da dumdum! Da da dumdum!
 
Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jesus' evil twin:
List of things to do once I'm on the outside...3. Find nearest vodka bar

Chorus of Angels, singing one of Brecht/Weill's Greatest Hits in honor of the Evil Twin:

Oh, show me the way
to the next whisky bar!
Oh, don't ask why.
Oh, don't ask why.
But if we do not find
the next whisky bar,
I tell you we must die,
I tell you we must die,
I tell you, I tell you, I tell you we must die...


(even though the Chorus of Angels is not particularly FOND of Brecht/Weill....)

[ 17. December 2002, 10:19: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 
Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Angel 3:
(Plainchant Alleluia with faux guerdon by Viadana)

Perfect! Although the "Hallelujah" is, of course, really intended to be a post-Resurrection tune...
 
Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 
Okay, gang -- time for the Heavenly Host to do the big "Glory to God" number! And a-one, and a-two, and a-three...

(Chorus of Angels outdoes itself)

[Angel] [Angel] [Angel] [Angel] [Angel] [Angel] [Angel]
 
Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Phil the Wise Guy:
MONTAGE: Various scenes of Wise Men packing, sneaking out of their rooms, dodging Herod's spies.

God...

This one really can't get a clue, can he?

Maybe I can help.

Excuse me, chump? Coo-ee, Phil? You're not supposed to start escaping until you've visited the little baby.

Course, if you want, you can just run away now like the little girl you are.

[Roll Eyes]
 
Posted by Baby Jesus (# 3729) on :
 
[Angel] [Snore] [Snore] [Snore] *jingle* [Smile] [Snore] [Snore] [Snore]
 
Posted by Assorted Strings (# 3652) on :
 
<decides NOT to strike up a lullaby - the baby appears to be asleep already!>
 
Posted by Miss Ship of Fools 2002 (# 3718) on :
 
(gurguly voice) Ohhh, aren't they just sweeties! especially this fine little girl... yes you are...yes you (/gurguly voice) aaaaarrrhhhhaughOW!... OW! .. (gurguly voice) now now, don't bite your aunty Miss Ship of Fools 2002 will you? No, it's not very nice. no it's not! no, it's not!(/gurguly voice) OW!

**moves swiftly to other baby**

(gurguly voice)
hello, you're a little boy wonder aren't you! yes you aaaaare! yes you aaaare! Oooo, look at those fine legs, oh yes. I should think you'll be a strong little footballer when you grow up! won't you now! yes you will! yes, you will! (/gurguly voice)

Oh Mary, you must be sooo proud! now, you just take some rest for now. And then remember, routine, routine, routine. I'll pop by later on with "Mrs Emilies guide to the perfect child" which you're more than welcome to borrow. It seems a little bit strict at first, but I can assure you it guarentees a full night sleep every night, and in order to be a good mother it's very important that you manage your little darlings so they know where they stand. Don't let them get away with making a fuss! I've also got some leaflets about the Natural Childbirth trust, they run excellent post natel groups. When I had Richard I found them a godsend!

[Fixed ever such a slight date problem...]

[ 17. December 2002, 10:22: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 
Posted by Baby Jesus (# 3729) on :
 
[Smile]

gurgle gurgle

*jingle* [Smile]

gurgle

[Snore] [Snore] [Snore]
 
Posted by Fourth Angel (# 3647) on :
 
Various members of the heavenly host hover around, sweetly glowing and keeping a darn good watch so that Evil Henchman stays far far away.....

This particular angel seems to be humming "Away in a manger" rather than the Hallelujah chorus or anything classical but hey, you can't have everything...
 
Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
Let me recap last night’s story
Events that tell of realms of glory.

Jo and Mary are together again
A limo carried them to Bethlehem.

By a Rabbi then the pair were wed
Away to a motel, search for a bed.

Mary, no doubt, she had hoped for more
But see her lying on a bed of straw.

Came the long-expected Jesu
And his evil twin came too.

A great and mighty wonder this
The Son of God has got a sis.

But in Royal David’s city
A wicked henchman had no pity

Hate had he to the Lord’s anointed
But a Jedi guard God had appointed

So at the moment all seems well.
He’s come, He’s come, Immanuel.
 


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