Thread: re: Fish4Jobs ref# 76486 Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
Dear Sir,

Please find attached my application to be the new head of the Holy Roman Church.

I've been interested in religion, and indeed, Christianity, for quite a number of years now, and, whilst saddened by the resignation of the current pontiff, am excited to now have the opportunity to apply for the position.

I am a keen twitter-er, which I believe would be an asset in the role going-forward, and can even remember a small section of my high-school Latin (I never could get that dog out of the hall, though).

I also have the requisite number of testicles that the role requires.

I look forward to hearing from you soon, and if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to get in touch,

Yours, in Christ,


PS - if that fails, I have a remarkable business opportunity, involving the liberation of several million unclaimed US dollars from a Nigerian company, and your bank-details. Please treat as extremely urgent.
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
My dear Mr. Stoo,
We here in the Heavenly realms are quite interested in your application for the position which will be opening soon. We value your expertise and willingness to lead the ******** church in this meaningful way.

There are a few concerns, however...

Have you ever, in your church career, handled snakes? Have you ever handled those individuals who handle snakes?

Do you have faith in the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Is Cthulhu included in your daily ****ers?

And, while on the subject of ****ers, are you a full, prone on the floor-face in the dirt ****er, or a pansy sit upright and **** while playing Sudoku ****er?

Please send a DVD or Blu-ray disk to our offices showing your techniques in waving, blessing, looking beatific and speaking in Latin (no dogs, please.)

Yours in all Heavenly matters,
Archangels' Society, ITTWACW, Ph(inaly)D(one)
Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
Dear Ms Judy (Ms Jedi?),

Thank you for your request for more information.

I hereby enclose the Equal Opportunities form. You will see that (as per your request), I have crossed out questions 2, 3, 5a, 5b and sections 3-7.

I can confirm that I have never been a member of the British National Party, or the German National Socialist Party.

I have watched Snakes on a Plane, and can lend you the DVD if you would like?

I also enjoy spaghetti, and all manner of Italian food. I suspect this would come in handy, as the job would (no doubt) involve a relocation to Italy. Do I get moving-expenses?

Don't worry about the 'p.r.a.y.e.r' bit. I fully understand you are a multinational company, and will not let my private beliefs interfere whatsoever in my quest for megalomania.

Yours in Christ (and having got much further than I anticipated in the interview process already),


[ 11. February 2013, 13:59: Message buggered about with by: Stoo ]
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
Blimey, one sniff of that scarf and he's after the top job already. [Roll Eyes]

Dear Mr. Stoo,
Are you really just after a ****mobile? I'm sure CofE motors could supply you with something suitable without all those tedious papal blessings that you'd have to dish out. This one should be ideal - it runs on hot air.
Yours bullishly,
Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
A batmobile? Oohh.. I get travel expenses too?
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
Dear Mr. Stoo,
Thank you for your very prompt reply.

We were very impressed with the style you used to crossed out questions 2, 3, 5a, 5b and sections 3-7. The purple ink was a nice touch, but just a few days early for Lent? Is your liturgical calendar perhaps a bit off?

Your advancement through the placement process is accelerated due to lack of interest from other potential applicants. Perhaps this will be explained while answering some of your other queries.

No, I'm afraid moving expenses will not be included, barring a small stipend for stopping for fast food at the airport. Partly this is in order to move the residence (should you procure this position) to Hattiesburg, Mississippi. The Vatican City is in sad need of repair. Ceilings need to be painted over, exteriors need to be sandblasted.

The Hattiesburg papal residences should be liveable in a few weeks. The tornado damage wasn't too severe on that side of town.

However, we were quite serious about the snake handling. Would you, in Christian charity, be able to love your Bible Belt neighbors (including the SH's) alongside the performance of your other duties? We ask this, because an envoy was not so kind, and suffered (oh, did he suffer) dire consequences.

Please consider carefully. Do bear in mind that while spaghetti is enjoyed in that area, you would also be required to partake of grits, hog jowls and chitlins. Quite delicious, but perhaps not what you're used to.

I must check my email to see if there are any other brave souls who are applying for the Position.

Yours in Heavenly accord,
etc. etc.
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
All Saints is the place for job support
In Heaven this thread est tres morte*

I wish all to be safe as we hie away
Inside the thread all appendages should stay...

*Is very dead

Helpful Heaven H0st

Posted by passer (# 13329) on :
Manhattan Metropolitan Correctional Centre.
150 Park Row,
New York, NY 10007,
United States of America.

Dear Ms Judy,

I write in my capacity as Deputy A‌dministrative Director (weekends) of the Manhattan Metropolitan Correctional Centre.

It has been brought to my attention that inmate Abu Hamza al-Masri, currently detained in this institution whilst awaiting a fair trial and subsequent conviction for some very serious matters, has been found in illicit possession of an iPhone 5, and has been using his toe-typing skills to communicate via the internet with the world at large.

Amongst the activity which CIA monitoring has uncovered is a plot to subsume the ca‌tholic church within his own chosen religion by means of a plot to take on the recently advertised post of B‍ishop of Rome. Correspondence with your good self using the alter-ego Stoo, but betrayed by his use of his trademark passport photograph as an avatar, has been identified regarding this matter.

For reasons of national security, we have chosen to continue to monitor his activity rather than confiscate his iPhone, so it may be that this correspondence between you will continue. However due to the short time-frame you have available to fill the post, we felt it appropriate to advise you that "Mr Stoo" will not be able to proceed to the interview stage, and it would be advisable were you to consider other applicants for the post.

By virtue of having read this far, you are now subject to all the usual restrictions on sharing this highly confidential information. Please rest assured that should you inadvertently mention any of this to anybody you will disappear.

Assuring you of our best intentions at all times,

Barrington E. Dwetter
Deputy A‌dministrative Director
Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
Please find above my character reference, as requested.
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
I think this thread would be happier with the Eccles Crowd.

AS H o s t
Posted by seasick (# 48) on :
And back to heaven... [Smile]

seasick, Eccles hοst
Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :
Catholic Equal Opportunities and Equalities Unit,
Anglophone Facility,
Rome NY

Dear Mr Dwetter,

I regret I do not at this stage have full authority to speak on behalf of the College, but I feel I should assure you that my Facility is very excited by the prospect of an applicant for the Chair of St Peter who is in your Correctional Center. What better way for the church to identify with the poor and disadvantaged of the world, than to appoint a prisoner?
'When I was in prison did you visit me'.

I am sure the College would be glad to attend Manhattan to interview Mr Stoo. You will, I know, appreciate that we would prefer to respect his integrity by addressing him in the form he has chosen to introduce himself to us, rather than the name you give him, which may be just as illusory as the one that he has adopted to approach us.

I recognise also that you may be surprised at the College's interest in a candidate who is not a Catholic, but what real difference is there between, say, an Episcopalian and a Moslem. We would like to feel that everyone is a Catholic at heart, if they could but convert, and it is only those who resist the possibility who are irrevocably damned. What better evidence could Mr Stoo have given of his innate goodness of intention than by submitting his application.

As a representative of the US government, I would remind you of the words,
"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,"
What better place to look for our Supreme Pontiff, than among the lowest of the low, humanity's ultimate third estate.

Yours in Christ,

Sister Philomena-Lisieux
cc Mr Stoo
Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
{Here it is! I was composing a post for the Eccles edition of the thread, then it disappeared altogether, with no forwarding address!}

Dear God:

So...I saw that pic of lightning hitting St. Peter's. (True!) A NYC papabile(?) intimated that it might be the Holy Spirit descending.

Is it time (definitely long past!) for girls to get a turn? We won't be perfect, but we won't be any worse than the boys, either.

A new broom sweeps clean. A good sweeping (and scrubbing and disinfecting) is needed...and these are guys who think a woman's place is in the even they should see that it's time.

I hereby apply to be Papissa.

Here's a tentative outline of what I plan to do:

First day:
--Ex cathedra that nuns may become priests, and create a transitional path. They're already living much of the life, anyway.

--Ex cathedra to (re)create the office of deaconess, fully equal to that of deacon. Create a path for both nuns and laywomen.

--Ex cathedra to publicly formalize the status of women who were quietly ordained as emergency priests in Romania, etc.

--Ex cathedra that "you are a priest forever" applies neither to abusive priests, nor to those who cover for them or look the other way.

--Ex cathedra that ALL records, letters, etc. pertaining to known and possible abuse be immediately turned over to local civil authorities, Child Protective Services, SNAP, and anyone else who needs them.

--Ex cathedra that no priest, monastic, or other employee or member of the RCC will ever be shielded from abuse charges and proceedings and sentencing ever again. We will support and spiritually counsel them as we would any possible criminal or prisoner. But no more pretending.

That will take care of the first hour. Then I'll wander out into the city for cocoa and pastries, and just meet people.

Then I'll go poke around in the Secret Archives and the Vatican library.

Then I'll take a nap.

Then I'll have a late afternoon, casual party for all of Vatican City. Possibly a picnic, with egg tosses, three-legged-race, etc.--and bottles of bubbles for all present.

Then I'll plan the kind of citywide street potluck in Robert Ludlum's* novel "Road to Gandolfo".

Then I'll go out for a late dinner. Then I'll come back to the Vat, put on my jammies, and slide down bannisters in the middle of the night.

And the evening and the morning will be the first day. Or something like that.

Please give me a chance! Thanks for considering me!

Golden Key

*Originally under one of his pen names.
Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :
Dear Sra Key,

Thank you for your kind interest in the post of Papessa. On behalf of the Sacred Consistory, I regret I am directed to turn down your application for the following reasons:-

1. There has been no Papessa since the year 850.

2. Church feasts follow an irregular cycle, and as a Papessa you would be unable to celebrate Mass for one week in every four. This would cause scheduling inconveniences.

3. Because the eventuality you suggest was unlikely to arise, the Sacred Office of Sound Technicians were able to buy a number of microphones on favourable terms that had been rejected by a number Operatic Sopranos who had complained that they could not project the higher vocal frequencies.

4. If appointed you would only be able to wear pink for two weekends in every year.

5. The papal bannisters have studs on them. They were added in 1731 to assist His Holiness Clement XII who had poor eyesight. This would prevent their use for sliding.

The Sacred Consistory has asked me to express their sincere hope that you are soon able to find a post more suited and fulfilling for your skills and abilities. In appreciation of your application, I am also authorised to grant you a 3 week Indulgence, in respect of venal sins that fall within categories 7 subcategories (a), (b) and (d) and category 27 subcategory (n) only.

Yours sincerely,

Guiseppe Pascalino (Fr)
15th Under-Secretary (Jobshare)
Sacred Consistory,
Posted by Sober Preacher's Kid (# 12699) on :
A Somewhat Sober House
Skid Row, Canada.

Dear Father Guiseppe:

Please find enclosed my application for the upcoming vacancy in the See of Peter.

Among my many strengths are the fact that I am a Bass and can read music, unlike the Sistine Chapel Choir. In fact my first act as the Bishop of Rome would be to fire the entire lot of the "Sistine Screamers". They seemingly cannot understand that they are less important than me, who is less important than OLSJC (whether or not present in His Blessed Sacramet).

As an interim measure, the Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster has promised me to lend me his English Boy's Choir until the Vatican can get a properly trained one.

You will find my Doctoral Thesis enclosed. It is in Latin. The unusually praiseworthy stance on Calvin's Institutes is of no significance, I assure you.

I also plan to create new Ordinariates, particularly a Calvinist Ordinariate, purely because the Jesuits need somebody to play with. [Devil]

The only reservation I have is that old, tired alb I do baptisms in, the one with the vomit stains on it. One of those stains was by a lad who went on to be ordained and therefore that's my lucky baptism alb. Just put it down as "pastorally sensitive and liturgically aware."

I hope you share the sense that I do that this application is predestined.

Yours in faith,

Sober Preacher's Kid.
Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :
Dear Father Guiseppe,

I seem to have received a letter that should have come to you. I suspect the reason may be that the sender is not fully technologically literate, and has somehow sent this as a Ship of Fools Private Message in stead of sending it to you. Unfortunately, his name seems to have gone astray in transmission.


Dear Father Guiseppe,

I would be most grateful if the College of Cardinals would kindly accept my application for the post of Holy Father and Episcopus Romae shortly to become vacant.

In this modern world, I could be just the person you are looking for. At the very moment when I heard the news of the Holy Father's retirement, the television was on in the background, and out of it came the words, "This could be you". I am sure you will agree that that is clear evidence of my calling.

I am well known for my vigorous defence our holy faith in its fullest traditions of our blessed St Thomas, on a well known Anglophone website against Protestants, Orthodox and all other sorts of infidel.

Because submissions to the website in question are pseudonymous, there is no risk of my, very occasional, lapses into intemperate language returning to embarrass our Holy Church.

As my first language is English, I will be particularly well qualified to detect any suspicions of insubordination in the newly created Ordinariate.

I recognise that it may surprise you to receive an application from a person who has not even been raised to the presbyterate, yet alone episcopate, Nevertheless, I have a new Missal which I have had bound in the best calfskin, and now know almost by heart my English translation of Ott's Fundamentals. Unusually for a layman, I am familiar with the Extraordinary Form and the Novus Ordo in both my own vernacular and Latin. I also have GCSE Italian.

I realise that my having committed the Sacrament of Matrimony might also be a slight impediment, but I would remind you that I share this with our first Pope. Furthermore, if appointed, my wife has said that she will be very happy to forgo my company in return for the honour of making that sacrifice in such a noble cause. Unfortunately, that means she will no longer be able to test me nightly on my correct recitation from Ott. However, she has said that the pleasure of seeing me bless people from the balcony in Rome will be ample compensation for the benefits of my society. I believe there are precedents from the First Millennium of this having been facilitated by the grant of an appropriate annulment.

Yours sincerely
Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :
Originally posted by Sober Preacher's Kid:
... a Calvinist Ordinariate, ...

... I hope you share the sense that I do that this application is predestined. ...

Lovely idea. Makes up for the thought of the sick on the 'lucky alb'. Thank you SPK.

Do 'nosebleed high' Anglo-Papalists have one with lucky blood stains?
Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
Originally posted by Sober Preacher's Kid:
... a Calvinist Ordinariate ...

I thought it was called Taize?

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