Thread: Old Jokes Home... Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.
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Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on
:
...only bona fide past their sell by date gags here.
OK. There's this shop that sells everything, out in the sticks. It's doing quite well, and the owner decides to take on an assistant. He says "right. Watch how this works. You have to make one sale drive another."
A bloke wanders in and asks for a packet of grass seed.
"Large size? Always need more than you think. Then there's patching" says the shop owner.
And as the bloke leaves, the owner says "Sir - you'll need a lawnmower."
"A lawnmower?"
"Yers! Grass grows, need to mow it". And in the end the bloke leaves with a £300 lawnmower.
So the new lad tries his luck. A bloke walks in looking sheepish. Looks around, then says in a whisper "a box of tampax please"
"Tampax? Large size? Heavy flow?" asks the assistant.
"Whatever!" the customer says, clearly embarrassed.
As he turns to leave the assistant says "you'll need a lawnmower sir!"
"A lawnmower!?!?"
"Yes. Your weekend's buggered so you might as well cut the grass!"
Sorry. Mine's the black fedora....
Posted by HughWillRidmee (# 15614) on
:
Couple on honeymoon in romantic Old Amsterdam walk past a pet shop. They stop and look through the main window at the animals for sale in their cages. Lots of oooohing and aaaahing. Puppies climbing over each other, baby rabbits hopping about, guinea pigs exploring their toy filled cage and, in an end cage, a lone kitten.
All the pens are labelled.
the puppies; DUTCH SMOUSHOND - nine weeks old
the rabbits; DUTCH TRICOLORED - six weeks old
the guinea pigs; DUTCH CAVY - three weeks old
the kitten; DUTCH BOBTAIL - ten weeks old
The couple move on but as they're walking along the street the husband seems deep in thought. Suddenly he wheels about and starts striding back to the shop leaving his bemused bride to follow as best she can.
Marching into the shop the husband approaches a sales assistant and says
"I've heard of Dutch Smoushonds - they're terriers"
"I've heard of Dutch Tricoloreds - short fur and upright ears"
"I've heard of Dutch Cavies - they have a unique white patterning in their fur"
"But I have this problem - I've heard of American Bobtails, I've heard of Japanese Bobtails and I've even heard of Kurilian Bobtails - but I've never, ever heard of Dutch Bobtail cats"
The assistant looks back at him "So how can I help you sir?" and the guy's wife catches up with him just in time to hear him ask
"Just tell me this if you would
HOW DUTCH IS THAT MOGGY IN THE WINDOW?"
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on
:
Ocean liner is wrecked in mid-Pacific. Two survivors are washed up on a desert island: a seaman and (insert name of famous glamorous and fanciable film actress of your choice). The two set to work building a shelter, exploring the island, gathering food and so on; soon the co-operation becomes friendship and the friendship becomes a passionate sexual relationship.
One evening they're sitting there on the beach, tired and content, looking at the sunset in companionable silence. After a while he turns to her and asks whether he can ask her a favour - just one thing he needs to make him really happy. 'Sure', she says. 'Do you mind', he says, 'if I draw a moustache on you and call you Frank?' She thinks for a moment and says 'Well, that seems a bit weird, but....OK, go ahead'. So he picks up a piece of burnt wood and draws a moustache on her, and they lapse back into companionable silence. After ten minute or so he jabs her in the ribs with his elbow and says
'Here, Frank- you'll never believe who I'm shagging!'
[ 23. July 2013, 11:19: Message edited by: Albertus ]
Posted by Alaric the Goth (# 511) on
:
A frog walks into a bank and goes up to a desk to speak to one of the cashiers. The man, whose name on his ID badge is ‘Paddy Whack’ says, “Can I help you, sir?”
“Er, yes”, says the frog, “I’ve come about getting a bank loan.”
“How much for?” says Paddy.
“£10000” says the frog.
“Right then, before we decide if you can get it we need some details. What’s your name, please?”
“Kermit Jagger” says the frog.
“Right, well, I think I may have heard of your dad. What collateral can you offer us for a loan that big?”
“Collateral? I don’t know what you mean?”
“Something valuable you can give us to secure the loan against”.
“Oh,” says Kermit, “that could be a problem. All I have is this!”
He brings out and hands over an ornamental snowstorm, one which you shake and watch the snow fall on a Christmassy scene.
“I’m not sure we could accept that as collateral,” says Paddy. “It doesn’t look to be worth much. I don’t think we can give you the money, but I’ll check with my manager”.
He takes it to the back office and explains to his boss,
“The strangest thing’s just happened. This frog’s come in asking me for a £10k loan, and says he’s ‘Kermit Jagger’. When I asked him for collateral, all he could produce was this (hands the manager the snowstorm). I’m not even sure what it is”.
“It’s a knickknack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan! His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
Posted by HughWillRidmee (# 15614) on
:
A newly installed Native American chief is expected to produce children so he takes three wives.
A few months later it’s obvious that the wives are pregnant and the chief turns his attention to providing as much comfort as possible for them whilst demonstrating his wealth and love to all around.
For the wife with blue eyes he obtains a lion skin upon which she will be delivered of his offspring; for the black-eyed wife it’s a llama skin and for the green-eyed wife (who is really his favourite) he goes for broke and imports a genuine, unused hippopotamus’ skin.
The days pass and eventually the blue-eyed wife gives birth to a son. Then the black-eyed wife produces a daughter. At last the favourite wife goes in to labour and is delivered of twins – one male and one female.
The moral of this story being that the product of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the product of the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on
:
(And here was I thinking: where is this joke going?)
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by HughWillRidmee:
...The moral of this story being that the product of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the product of the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
snort!
Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on
:
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are eating dinner together. A candlestick falls over, and sets the tablecloth on fire.
The engineer looks around, sees a fire extinguisher, and extinguishes the fire.
Some time later, a second candlestick falls over, setting the tablecloth on fire again. The physicist looks around, gets a second fire extinguisher, and hands it to the engineer, thus reducing the problem to one that had previously been solved.
Still later, a third candlestick is knocked over and ignites the tablecloth. The mathematician looks around, sees a third fire extinguisher, and nods happily to himself: "Ah, yes. The solution is trivial."
Posted by Spike (# 36) on
:
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scostman went into a pub. The barman said "is this some sort of a joke?"
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by jedijudy:
quote:
Originally posted by HughWillRidmee:
...The moral of this story being that the product of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the product of the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.
snort!
Back when I was a schoolboy, the math teacher told us that joke. It was probably old then.
First joke was the best! I told the first joke to the men in my group at church earlier today and it went over it a treat!
Posted by Spike (# 36) on
:
A man went into a pub with some custard in one ear and a lump of jelly in the other. "What can I get you?" asked the barman. The man replied "you'll have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf"
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Leorning Cniht:
..the solution is trivial."
If it's scientific jokes you want...
Some helium walks into a bar, the barman says, "We don't serve inert gasses in here."
The helium doesn't react.
Posted by Stercus Tauri (# 16668) on
:
What a terrible thread this is. Here's an ancient favourite of mine:
An old engineer’s time is up and he duly reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his file and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer heads back down, checks in at the gates of hell and is let right in. Pretty soon, he gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. Despite the large number of program managers, purchasing agents and financial controllers there - where else can they go? - everything goes smoothly. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a popular man. He settles comfortably back into his old profession - hardly anything has changed from back on earth, except the boss appreciates him now, and the working conditions are better.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and asks, a little smugly, it must be said, "How are things down there in hell?" Satan replies, "It's going pretty well. We have air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs his head off and answers, "Aye, right - and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
Posted by Sopralto (# 10245) on
:
These are just awful. Here's my contribution:
Three pieces of string are walking down the street when they decide to pop into a bar for a beer. There's a sign in the window that says "No strings served" but the most assertive of the strings declares that he won't put up with discrimination and persuades his buddies to join him at a table in the corner.
One of the strings walks up to the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer and three glasses. The bartender just glances at him and barks, "Read the sign, buddy. We don't serve strings." So the string walks back to his friends and says, "Sorry, guys, he wouldn't serve me any beer."
The assertive string says, "That's against the law! They can't discriminate against us like that!" and marches up to the bar. "Barkeep," he says, "I want a pitcher of beer and three glasses!"
The barkeeper sighs and responds, "Look, I told your pal over there, we don't serve strings. You and your friends should just get outta here."
The string walks back to the table and apologizes for not being able to get beer and says that maybe they should leave. The third string gets up and says, "No way. I'm gonna get us some beer!"
He walks to the bathroom, ties himself in a knot, takes a comb out of his back pocket, and combs himself up. Then he saunters over to the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer and three glasses. The bartender peers closely at him and says, "Hey, aren't you one of those pieces of string?"
He answers, "Nope. I'm a frayed knot!"
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on
:
quote:
Spike: A man went into a pub with some custard in one ear and a lump of jelly in the other. "What can I get you?" asked the barman. The man replied "you'll have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf"
I don't get it ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on
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A trifle is an English dessert. Many would maintain that a true trifle does not have jelly in it but it is a common adaptation.
Jengie
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on
:
quote:
Jengie Jon: A trifle is an English dessert.
Ah thanks, I didn't know that. (Now I hope I'll get to taste one some day ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
)
[ 28. July 2013, 05:02: Message edited by: LeRoc ]
Posted by Huia (# 3473) on
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Thanks Solpralto I was waiting for that one.
Brilliant thread/
[
[ 28. July 2013, 05:14: Message edited by: Huia ]
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on
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Termite walks into a pub and says 'Is the bar tender here?'
Posted by Spike (# 36) on
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What's green, got six legs and would kill you if it fell on you from a tree?
A snooker table.
Posted by Starbug (# 15917) on
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What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? Edward
What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head? Edward Woodward
Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on
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A man walks in to a bar.
Ouch.
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on
:
How do you tell if there's been an elephant in your fridge?
Footsteps in the butter.
How do you tell if there's been two elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footsteps in the butter.
How do you tell if there's been three elephants in your fridge?
Don't be silly; you can't fit three elephants in a fridge.
How do elephants hide in the jungle?
They paint their balls red and climb a cherry tree.
How do elephants climb a cherry tree?
They plant a cherry stone and sit on top of it.
How do elephants get down from the cherry tree?
They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.
How do you get four elephants in a mini?
Two in the front and two in the back.
How do you get two whales in a mini?
Cross the Severn Bridge.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on
:
What is yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard.
What is yellow and points north? A magnetic banana.
Posted by Spike (# 36) on
:
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the monkey
Posted by Spike (# 36) on
:
What's yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey sick
Posted by Pegasus (# 1966) on
:
My favourite joke from the elephant litany, which Dafyd has missed out (comes after "How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge):
Q How do you know there are four elephants in your fridge?
A There's a mini parked outside.
Posted by Stercus Tauri (# 16668) on
:
Another ancient one...
There was this Presbyterian elder, a rather sharp business man, whose time was up. “Sorry”, said St Peter, “but it’s not looking good for you. Take the ‘down’ elevator over there.” So the elder heads down with a certain amount of apprehension, knowing he’ll soon be reacquainted some former customers and fellow elders.
“Mornin’,“ says the demon at the gate, “Come along in - we’ve been expecting you. I’ll give you the tour and you can choose your option for eternal suffering.” They walk along the corridors and look in various doors. In the first one there were hundreds of naked people going wild and clearly having a hell of a time. The elder thought about it, and then realised you could get tired of that stuff pretty quickly, if it didn’t kill you first. “No thanks”, he says. Inside the next door it all looked pretty traditional, with the usual sulphurous fires, demons with red hot forks, and screams of anguish. He’d sat through enough session meetings, and wanted no more of that. In the next one there were people standing around chatting and drinking tea, the only drawback being that they were knee deep in sewage. Thinking that he could probably get used to the smell - it was a lot like the business world, after all - he tells the demon, “I think I can handle that. I’ll take it”. So the demon shows him through the door and slams it behind them before yelling at the assembly of the damned, “Tea break’s over - back on your heads!”
Posted by Nicolemr (# 28) on
:
This is literally an old joke, you have to pretend you're back in the 1970s to get it.
Did you hear the good news and the bad news about the Iranian hostage situation? The good news is Bo Derek has offered to go to Iran and use her femmine wiles on the Ayatollah to get him to release the hostages. The bad news is Ted Kennedy is driving her to the airport.
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on
:
Oh, Ted Kennedy jokes, is it?
Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan, and Ted Kennedy are standing on the deck of the Titanic. It hits the iceberg.
Jimmy Carter: Women and children first!
Ronald Reagan: SCREW the women and children!
Teddy Kennedy: Is there time?!
Posted by Stejjie (# 13941) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Starbug:
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? Edward
What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head? Edward Woodward
What do you call a man with four planks of wood on his head?
I don't know, but Edward Woodward would.
Posted by Lord Jestocost (# 12909) on
:
On New Year's Eve, a snail crawls into a pub. It slowly navigates its way through the trampling feet of the revellers and reaches the bar. Up it goes, inch by inch, until it's reached the top. It looks the barman in the eye and says:
"Pint of bitter, please."
"Sorry, we don't serve snails."
"Oh go on."
"Nope." Bartender taps the notice. "Strictly no gastropodic molluscs".
"Oh, please!"
"Nope."
"Go on …"
And so, until eventually the bartender loses his temper, picks the snail up, strides across the room and flings it out into the darkness.
A year passes.
The next New Year's Eve, a snail crawls into a pub. It slowly navigates its way through the trampling feet of the revellers and reaches the bar. Up it goes, inch by inch, until it's reached the top. It looks the barman in the eye and says:
"What did you do that for?"
Posted by Caissa (# 16710) on
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Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought the first one would have seen it.
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on
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Feminist joke by Bill Bailey:
Three women walk into a bar and say 'Hooray! We've colonised a male-dominated joke format.'
Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on
:
There are other jokes related to the elephant series too. For instance:
How do you get an elephant in the refrigerator?
Open door, insert elephant, shut door.
How do you get a giraffe in the refrigerator?
Open door, take out the elephant, insert giraffe, shut door.
The lions threw a party and invited all the animals. They all came except for one. Which?
The giraffe. He was still in the refrigerator.
How do you get across an alligator-infested river?
Just wade in, all the alligators are at the party.
Posted by shamwari (# 15556) on
:
An English maths teacher and a Canadian lumberjack got married.
They decided to use the logarithym method.
(sp excepted)
[ 29. July 2013, 14:15: Message edited by: shamwari ]
Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on
:
You'll need to have grown up in the UK, and be of a certain age to get this one:
2 cigarettes walking down the road, see a man wearing a cape, with his underpants on the outside of his tights.
They ask him “are you Superman”? He nods.
They ask again “are you really Superman”? He nods again.
They ask “why won’t you speak”?
Superman answers “Because I never say yes to a cigarette!”
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on
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Referencing shamwari:
When the Great Flood receded Noah opened the door or the Ark and told all the animals to go forth and multiply. They all did, apart from one pair of snakes.
'Why can't you go and multiply?' asked Noah.
'Because we're adders', replied the snakes.
'Well, go and do your best', said Noah, and off the adders went.
A few weks later the adders returned to see Noah with brood of baby adders in tow. 'well done!', said Noah: ' so you did find a way to multiply, then!'
'Yes' said the adders:' we found a log'.
Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on
:
Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the noisiest thing in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.
*Boom* *tish*, I thank you!
AG
Posted by Firenze (# 619) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the noisiest thing in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.
*Boom* *tish*, I thank you!
AG
Old is one thing, recycled within the same thread another.
It's bad enough, as Host, having to read some of these once....
Firenze
Heaven Host
Posted by Lord Jestocost (# 12909) on
:
Quasimodo runs into a bar and knocks himself out. One of the punters looks down at his still form and asks, "Who's that, then?"
"Dunno," says another, "but his face rings a bell."
Posted by Stercus Tauri (# 16668) on
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We need one old light bulb joke...
How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
(This is in Canada. Your local practices may differ ).
Six, and this is clearly laid down in the Book of Forms. Their offices are defined as follows: one to change the bulb after prayerful thought and discussion by the appropriate committee(s), and five to constitute a General Assembly Special Committee charged with investigating and reporting back to the following year's Assembly on the roots of the grievances of those whose faith and convictions caused them to adhere to the old one, to recommend appropriate pastoral care and counselling for the injured parties, and to make recommendations that will reduce the likelihood of such occurrences in the future. The Principal Clerk will be an ex-officio member and the Committee on Church Doctrine will act in an advisory capacity.
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on
:
How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Change?
------------
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. But how they got in there.....
Posted by Oscar P. (# 10412) on
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To add to the elephant jokes:
How can you tell if there's an elephant in your bed?
--by the "E" on his pajamas
How can you fit 5 elephants in a car?
--two in the front, two in the back, one in the glove compartment
Posted by AngloCatholicGirl (# 16435) on
:
A horse walks into a bar..says the barman 'why the long face?'
Posted by tessaB (# 8533) on
:
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.
Baby polar bear goes up to his mother -
"Mummy, am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you are dear, go and play." Five minutes later -
"Mummy, am I really a real polar bear?"
"Yes darling, I've said so already." five minutes later -
"Mummy, am I really a real, real polar bear?"
"Of course you are you silly, why do you ask?"
"Because I'm bloody cold!"
I'm sorry ![[Hot and Hormonal]](icon_redface.gif)
I just love that one.
Posted by Angloid (# 159) on
:
This publican has a faithful dog - let's call him Fido - who has a nasty accident and dies, losing his tail in the process. His grief-stricken owner buries the remains of his canine friend, but discovers the severed tail and to remind all his customers, mounts it in a glass case in the public bar. The landlord then suffers several nights of disturbed sleep as he is kept awake by a dog howling in a way which is eerily reminiscent of his beloved Fido. Eventually he can stand it no more and opens his window; the ghost of Fido leaps into the bedroom. He beckons the landlord downstairs into the bar and looks up at the preserved tail with sadness in his eyes. The man realises that he will continue to be haunted until Fido gets his tail back, but he shakes his head sadly and says to the ghost, 'I'm really sorry, Fido, but you know the law as well as I do. I can't retail spirits after hours.'
Posted by Spike (# 36) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by balaam:
How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
My grandmother donated that light bulb in 1947. You can't change it!
Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on
:
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but there will need to be at least 3 church meetings to approve the change.
Posted by Kaplan Corday (# 16119) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Oh, Ted Kennedy jokes, is it?
Bumper sticker from when Ted was on an anti-nuclear kick: "More people died at Chappaquiddick than at Three Mile Island".
Posted by Trickydicky (# 16550) on
:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, and Irishman, an American, a Canadian,a Vietnamese, a Russian, an Auzzie, a New Zealander, an Egyptian, a Khazakstani walk into a pub...
...bouncer says 'you can't come in without a Thai'.
Posted by Jigsaw (# 11433) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the noisiest thing in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.
*Boom* *tish*, I thank you!
AG
Posted by Jigsaw (# 11433) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Sandemaniac:
Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
AG
[/QUOTE]
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No? Well, that just shows what a good disguise it is.
Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on
:
Granny was renowned for her fruit pies, especially in the surface presentation.
Granddaughter Emily asked about this one day, so Granny spent a long time going over the exact way to roll out the pastry, to transfer the bottom layer into the pan, the exact amount of filling to put in, the proper way to lay on the crust, and, finally, how to take out one's teeth and use them to get the crimping of the edge to be uniform.
Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on
:
A seafaring man walks into a bar carrying a large case. He asks the bartender, "If I show you something amazing will you stand me a drink?"
The bartender says, "If it's good enough. What have you got?"
The sailor opens the case, which expands into a miniature proscenium stage, on which is a little man in a tuxedo, exactly a foot tall, and a tiny piano. He sits down and begins to play "The Moonlight Sonata."
The bartender pours the sailor a drink and asks "How'd you come by him?"
"Arrrgh, well, me and me mates Jack and Sam were shipwrecked on a desert island for a week. Then one day we found a bottle on the beach and pulled the cork, and a genie popped out. He said, 'normally I give three wishes for being freed, but since there's three of you you each get one.' So Jack wished for a 70 foot motor yacht to get us home. Sam wished for a million dollars to spend when we got back to civilization. And I... well..." He hesitates, looking embarrassed.
The bartender, puzzled, says, "And you wished for that?"
"Aarrrgh, mate! No, I certainly did not wish for a 12-inch pianist!"
Posted by Jahlove (# 10290) on
:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on
:
Of course, luv! I think you may have taught me that.
Posted by Zacchaeus (# 14454) on
:
My son’s favourite joke (when he was 10)
What’s dangerous and swings through the trees? A gorilla with a machine gun…..
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on
:
OK, forgive me for telling this one once again:
A man was walking down 47nd St in Manhattan. The band of his vintage Rolex chafed him, so he unbuckled it to adjust it. To his horror, the watch slipped off his wrist and the crystal shattered.
He pocketed the watch and kept walking, and was happy to see a storefront with a large grandfather clock in the window. He rushed inside and found there an old, bespectacled man in a yarmulke.
"Mister, my watch just broke, how much to fix it?" the man cried.
"I'm sorry I don't fix watches. I am a mohel"
"A what?"
"A mohel. I perform the bris, my friend. "
"Then why the hell do you have a clock in your window?"
The old man shrugged. "What would YOU put in the window?"
Posted by Spike (# 36) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Jahlove:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on
:
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
-------
Knock Knock
Who;s there?
To
To who?
To whom.
-------
I was reading a book on anti-gravity, but put it down because it was boring.
Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on
:
One which is best spoken because of the spelling:
What's brown and comes out of cows?
The Isle of Wight ferry.
Posted by Ann (# 94) on
:
It is spring; the sun is shining and it feels warm for the first time in six months. A snail is crossing the lawn on the way to a hot date with joy in his heart. He’s so happy at the weather and the chance of meeting a girl snail that he can’t help singing,
“Cha-nson d’A-mo-o-ore … ”
And the lawn-mower joins in:
“Rat-ta-ta-ta-tat!”
Posted by Niminypiminy (# 15489) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Jahlove:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
No, no, no! As my aspie son has it,
What's brown and sticky?
Mud
Makes me laugh every time
Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on
:
A new cabin boy joins a pirate ship and gets talking to the head pirate who had a wooden leg, a hook instead of a right hand, and a patch over one eye.
Boy : How did you come to have a wooden leg ?
Pirate : Well me lad , we were boarding a ship one day and dis ere cannon-ball took me leg clean off below the knee .
Boy : Wow ! How did you come to have a metal hook for a hand ?
Pirate : Well me lad , we was on dis ere island fighting over a chest of treasure, and this other pirate took me right hand clean off wiv his cutlass .
Boy : Wow ! One more question . How did you come to lose an eye ?
Pirate : Well me lad , I was lookin up at the sky one day to see if a storm was brewing and a seagull shat straight in me eye .
Boy (less impressed) : Oh , so a seagull was to blame for you losing an eye .
Pirate : Well not exactly me lad , it's just that it had to happen the day after they fitted this bleedin hook .
Posted by Darllenwr (# 14520) on
:
To appreciate this one, you probably have to know that Blaenau Ffestiniog is a very sleepy village (surrounded by slate tips) in North Wales. It was once a very busy village, but that's another story. It is also a Welsh-speaking village.
The story is told of an American tourist who (like many others) fetched up in Blaenau Ffestiniog. Unlike most of his kind, he stayed for several days in the village. Came the day when he wanted to send a post card home to the USA. He didn't have the proper postage so paid a visit to the Post Office.
There were just three people in the queue ahead of him, so he was not desperately concerned about the wait.
He was rather more concerned when he finally reached the window half an hour later. Very sarcastic, he leans over the counter and addresses the clerk on the other side.
"Tell me, in this Welsh language of yours, do you have any equivalent to the Spanish word 'Manana'?"
The clerk looks him up and down carefully and appears to consider for a moment before replying,
"No. Nothing, I think, with quite that sense of urgency."
Posted by Starbug (# 15917) on
:
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. The lightbulb has to want to change itself.
[ 03. August 2013, 20:25: Message edited by: Starbug ]
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Niminypiminy:
quote:
Originally posted by Jahlove:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick
No, no, no! As my aspie son has it,
What's brown and sticky?
Mud
Makes me laugh every time
What's brown and steams and comes out of cows* backwards?
The Isle of Wight ferry!
*Cowes
Posted by Firenze (# 619) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Albertus:
What's brown and steams and comes out of cows* backwards?
The Isle of Wight ferry!
*Cowes
Sigh.
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on
:
Sorry- should have read entire thread!
Posted by Mogwai (# 13555) on
:
A yogi goes to a vegan hotdog stand, hands over $20 and says "Make me one with everything!
Chuckling, he takes his bun and waits for his change. When he asks for the rest of his cash,the seller says sagelly "Change comesfrom within".
Posted by mark_in_manchester (# 15978) on
:
Woman goes into a bar, looks along the optics, and says 'barman, get me a double entendre'.
So the barman gives her one.
Posted by Thurible (# 3206) on
:
What's the definition of rhubarb?
Embarrassed celery.
Thurible
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Ann:
It is spring; the sun is shining and it feels warm for the first time in six months. A snail is crossing the lawn on the way to a hot date with joy in his heart. He’s so happy at the weather and the chance of meeting a girl snail that he can’t help singing,
“Cha-nson d’A-mo-o-ore … ”
And the lawn-mower joins in:
“Rat-ta-ta-ta-tat!”
That reminds me of the old television programme
Are you being served? One of the younger characters sang that.
Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on
:
One from twitter here:
"I'm sorry, I can't talk now, I'm in a really bad place. Can I call you back when I have left Milton Keynes?"
Posted by The Rhythm Methodist (# 17064) on
:
Just to lower the standard....
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere.....over the rainbow....weigh a pie.
(It helps if you sing it, but perhaps not enough!)
Posted by Carex (# 9643) on
:
Well, if you want to sing your punchline...
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who?
(singing) Sam and Janet evening...
Posted by angelica37 (# 8478) on
:
Did you know that when your pet hamster dies if you boil it with sugar and bury it in a glass jar flowers will grow from it in the spring?
You must have heard of 'Tulips from hamster jam!
Posted by Polly Plummer (# 13354) on
:
My son's favourite when he was at junior school:
Where do you weigh whales?
At a whale-weigh station!
Posted by Porridge (# 15405) on
:
The elders at a traditional church hired their first female preacher, and they were both nervous and perplexed. “A woman preacher,” they muttered amongst themselves, filled with misgivings. “How’s this going to work? We’ve always taken the new preacher out fishing with us so we can get to know each other,” they said. “But is that what to do when the preacher’s a lady?”
They tossed ideas for alternatives back and forth, but there were problems with all of them. Having a female preacher was turning out to be a headache, and she hadn’t even appeared yet. They finally decided to go ahead with the traditional fishing trip. The new preacher, reached by phone, said that was fine with her.
The big day dawned. The elders arrived at the dock, one by one, with their fishing gear, and soon the preacher joined them. The elders got a little tongue-tied as they tried to greet the new preacher while the fishing gear got loaded into the boat.
Finally, they set forth for the best fishing spot, way out in the middle of the lake. Only after they arrived was it discovered that the preacher’s fishing rod had never been loaded on board, and was still sitting on the dock. The elders looked askance at each other, grumbling a bit under their breath, realizing that the day would be ruined if they had to go all the way back in to get the preacher’s gear, and then go back out again. There'd barely be time for fishing.
“Oh, no, no,” the new preacher said. “I wouldn’t dream of spoiling your fishing. You go right ahead without me. I’ll just go back and get the rod myself.” And with that, she climbed over the side of the boat and began walking toward the far-off dock over the surface of the water.
The head elder watched her for a moment, then grunted and turned to the others, shaking his head.
“I hate to say it,” he said, “but isn’t that just like a woman?”
"What do you mean?" the others asked.
The head elder snorted in disgust. “Forgetting her rod that way.”
Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on
:
What's red, white and grey?
Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup.
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold outtide.
Posted by Spike (# 36) on
:
What's the difference between a viola player and a seamstress?
A seamstress tucks up the frills.
What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sight read.
Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Spike:
What's the difference between a viola player and a seamstress?
A seamstress tucks up the frills.
What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sight read.
[digression]This last one is actually true. There are a number of amateur musical societies where the voices are actually:
1. Soprano
2. non-musical ladies who can only sing the tune regardless of their natural pitch;
3. Contralto. One only. Actually a soprano who is made to do it because she can hold a line.
4. non-musical ladies who can only sing the tune but owing to too many Benson and Hedges do it down an octave. At least one required;
5. male sopranors - listed as tenors but actually are non-musical gentlemen who sing the tune, an octave down, in unison with the ladies of the fourth section.
6. Tenor. One only allowed. Needn't actually be able to do anything above Eb without singing falsetto.
7. Bass.
8. Monotone drone bass.
Everyone knows about the existence of 2, 4, 5 and 8, and who's in those sections (i.e. nearly everyone), but it is never, ever spoken of.
Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on
:
What do you call a Host wearing eight balaclavas?
Anything you like - they can't hear you.
Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on
:
What chord does a piano strike when thrown down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
Jengie
[ 07. August 2013, 12:01: Message edited by: Jengie Jon ]
Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Jengie Jon:
What chord does a piano strike when thrown down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
Jengie
Thatcher's favourite key.
Posted by Pegasus (# 1966) on
:
What chord does a pians strike when it lands on an army?
A flat major
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on
:
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You 'neak up on it.
********************************
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. You 'neak up on it.
Posted by would love to belong (# 16747) on
:
An older guy from the Hebrides goes on his first visit to London.
He is wandering around Soho and goes into a pub and gets into conversation with a rather attractive young lady.
After a while he asks her "And what are you doing here, my dear?"
She replies "I'm a call* girl".
Greatly cheered, the visitor responds "I'm from Tiree m'self!"
* Coll
Posted by would love to belong (# 16747) on
:
A wee Glasgow guy is walking down the street with his dug Rover who is foaming at the mouth and snarling ferociously. He bumps into his pal who asks him where he's going with the animal.
"I'm going to the vet to get Rover put down".
His pal replies looks at Rover and asks "Is he mad?"
The owner replies "Well, he's no too pleased about it".
Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on
:
Speaking of dog jokes . . .
A man walking down the street noticed another man sitting on a bench with his dog alongside him, around whose neck hung a sign, "Dog for sale."
"That's a great looking dog," said the first man. "Why are you selling it?" "Better let the dog tell you," the second man replied.
Whereupon the dog began: "I've lived a long and productive life. I was born into a circus family and did tricks for a while until they discovered I was good at jumping through flaming hoops. After that they had me trained as a rescue dog, and I spent several years pulling people out of burning buildings. But I'm old now and ready to retire to a nice, quiet home where a new owner will have me."
"Wow!" the first man exclaimed. "That's a really special dog. I really don't understand why you want to sell him."
"Because he's a damn liar!" the second man retorted. "Don't believe a word he says!"
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on
:
Good one!
![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif)
Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on
:
What do you call a Host with a machine gun?
Sir.
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by The Rogue:
Sir.
![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif)
Posted by Ann (# 94) on
:
What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?
A weasel is weaselly recognisable but a stoat is stoatally different!
Posted by would love to belong (# 16747) on
:
A wee salmon is spawned on the waters of Loch Lomond and is called Rusty.
Rusty grows up to be a bigger salmon and eventually the great day arrives when he sets off to explore the great, wide world.
He swims down the River Leven to the River Clyde, into the Firth of Clyde and eventually reaches the Atlantic Ocean and swims across to Canada where he spends several years making his fortune and having lots of adventures and meeting and marrying a beautiful Canadian salmon who becomes Mrs Rusty.
In due course, it is time for Rusty to return to his home in Loch Lomond to do what a salmon has to do to ensure the procreation of more little salmon.
Rusty swims all the way back across the North Atlantic to the Firth of Clyde, up the Clyde and the Leven and finds a nice wee bolthole in Loch Lomond at Inversnaid.
He finds life quite dull, though, missing his exciting life with his Canadian salmon friends.
To pass the time he decides to write a book about his adventurous life. The only problem he has is finding a suitable title which might result in a Booker Prize nomination.
After a lot of thought he settles upon The Atlantic Ventures by Salmon Rusty.
[ 08. August 2013, 04:14: Message edited by: would love to belong ]
Posted by tessaB (# 8533) on
:
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo!
Posted by would love to belong (# 16747) on
:
What's the difference between God and a doctor?
God doesn't think He's a doctor.
Posted by would love to belong (# 16747) on
:
Man A: I went to Timothy White's to buy a thermos flask but they didn't have any left.
Man B: Have you tried Boots?
Man A: Ah did, but the tea just came out the lace holes.
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by tessaB:
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo!
Which is of course a West Midlands joke ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on
:
Wayne and Coleen Rooney are out shopping and Coleen spots a thermos flask. 'Look', she says to him, 'why don't you get one of those?'
'What does it do?' he says
'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. you could use it for your refreshements when you're training.'
'Good idea', he says, and he buys it.
Next day at training he's in the dressing room getting his stuff out of his bag, and he takes out the flask.
- 'What's that?' asks a team-mate.
- 'It's a thermos flask. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'
- 'That's brilliant! What have you got in it?'
- 'Two cups of coffee and a choc ice.'
Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by would love to belong:
What's the difference between God and a doctor?
God doesn't think He's a doctor.
More elaborate version:
A man dies, and is waiting in line to check in to Heaven (the computer is slow, St. Peter is very apologetic). A man in a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck comes up, gives Peter a wave, and breezes through the gates.
The guy waiting in line says, "Hey, how come he gets to jump the line just because he's a doctor?"
Peter says, "Oh he's not a doctor, he's God. He just likes to play doctor."
Posted by Theophania (# 16647) on
:
Q. Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
A. Because proper tea is theft.
Posted by Herrick (# 15226) on
:
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Italian were walking along a country lane. They came upon a pig stuck in a hedge with its rear end pointing towards them.
'I wish it was a woman' said the Italian.
The Frenchman said, 'I wish it was cooked'.
The Englishman said. 'I wish it was dark'.
Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on
:
An elderly couple were sitting quietly together one evening and decided to 'fess up' as to whether they had remained faithful during 50 yrs of marriage .
He went first and said "I've never looked at another woman dearest, in all the years we've been married" .
Then it was her turn and she shyly admitted to being unfaithful on 3 occasions . "Oh dear" said the disappointed husband , "How did this come to happen ?"
"You remember way back when we hadn't long been married when you desperately wanted that loan to set up business , and the bank manager changed his mind and let you have it ? Well that was my doing"
"Oka-y" says the husband feeling slightly more reassured. "What about the 2nd time ?"
"You remember that time when you had a near fatal heart-attack and we couldn't get anyone to operate except that one private Doctor ? That was my doing"
The husband was now feeling a lot better and realised that his loving wife only ever had his best interests at heart.
Overwhelmed he says "You love me so much my dear you were prepared to do these things . BTW what was the last occasion ?"
"Well" she said , "You remember when you retired and desperately wanted to join that all-male golf club ? You had to have a unanimous vote to get in"
"Yes I do," he replied . "Seventeen chaps voted against me then ,inexplicably , one by one they changed their mind".
The wife looks up contentedly from her knitting and says "All for you my dearest, all for you".
Posted by Eirenist (# 13343) on
:
Here's a dated and rather un-PC offering:
Two big tough lumps of tarmac went into a bar and ordered a couple of pints of beer. They stood there, drinking, glaring at the other customers and passing offensive comments, with much f-ing and blinding, till the door opened and a lump of pink tarmac came in. 'A teeny-weeny vodka martini, sweetie, with a twist of lemon and not too much ice.'
The barman served the new customer, then turned to the other two lumps of tarmac, expecting trouble. But to his surprise, they were cowering under a table at the far side of the room. After the pink tarmac had gone, they crawled out of their hiding place, still shaking.
'What's up with you two?' asked the barman. 'You were making yourselves out to be hard! You're not scared of the likes of him, surely?'
The two lumps of tarmac looked at each other. 'Oh, mate!' one of them said at length, 'you don't want to tangle with him. He's a cyclepath!'
Note for the uninitiated: Tarmac is bitumen. In Britain, cycle-tracks used to be coloured pink (now mostly green).
Posted by ArachnidinElmet (# 17346) on
:
Three older ladies decide to go to the local park. They find a nice shady spot, sit down and start chatting. Imagine their surprise when a young man sits down on the bench next to them and proceeds to remove his clothes. Finally, completely naked, he turns to the women and greets them, 'Good Morning'.
The first woman turns to the man, looks him up and down and has a stroke.
The second woman, also on examining the man, has a stroke.
The third woman would have had a stroke, but sadly couldn't reach.
Posted by LutheranChik (# 9826) on
:
A man dies and to his surprise and horror finds himself in Hell.
"Greetings!" says the Devil, shaking the man's hand. "We've been expecting you. Now, I know you've heard all sorts of terrible things about this place, but we are actually quite accomodating of our guests. I'll bet you didn't know that we actually give you your choice of eternal punishment."
The frightened deceased begins to relax a bit. "Really?"
"Oh, sure! Here -- let me show you." The Devil leads the man to a hallway with three doors. "Behind each of these doors is a punishment. I'll give you a little look-see, and then you can think it over and decide where you want to spend eternity."
The devil opens the first door, and the man sees an enormous room filled with filthy people standing neck -high in manure.
"Oh, my," murmurs the man, aghast. "Um...may I see Door Number 2?"
"Certainly," says the Devil, opening the second door. There the man sees an equally enormous room filled with filthy people standing waist-high in manure.
"You still look disappointed," notes the Devil. "But there's still one more door." He opens the third door, and the man looks out upon an enormous room filled with filthy people standing knee-high in manure, drinking coffee and chatting.
The man thinks about his options. "Door Number 1 is truly awful," he muses. "Door Number 2 isn't that much better. But Door Number 3 -- well, it seems the best of bad choices, and at least I'll be able to enjoy a cup of joe and maybe make some friends.
"I think I'll spend eternity behind Door Number 3," the man finally says. The Devil smiles.
"An excellent choice. Let's set you up there then."
So a couple of Satan's minions find the man a place to stand in the manure and hand him a cup of coffee. They join the Devil in the doorway, where the trio look out on the crowd for a few moments.
"Okay!" the Devil suddenly shouts. "Coffee break is over, you losers! Back to standing on your heads!"
[ 19. August 2013, 00:08: Message edited by: LutheranChik ]
Posted by Lord Jestocost (# 12909) on
:
This old joke is now three weeks older than it was on 29th July ...
Posted by georgiaboy (# 11294) on
:
Three ladies again (sorry!)
Three deaf ladies on a London bus:
First Lady: 'I say, is this Wembley?'
Second Lady: 'No, dear, it's Thursday.'
Third Lady: 'So am I. Let's get off this bus and find a pub.'
(First heard around 1960.)
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on
:
An elderly gentleman notices two elderly women sitting waiting for the bus and decides to give them a thrill. He hides behind the hedge and removes his clothing then runs past them.
As they gasp in astonishment, one turns to the other and exclaims "What was that?!"
"Not certain', said the other, "but it needed ironing".
Posted by Lord Jestocost (# 12909) on
:
Not technically old jokes yet, but destined to become so, are this year's winners of the funniest lines from the fringe.
The overall winner:
quote:
"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
Posted by Eirenist (# 13343) on
:
A man goes into a Rolls-Royce showroom and stands looking at the cars on sale. A salesman comes up to him. 'Can I help you, sir?' 'I'm not sure. I don't know how to drive, and I'm looking for a car to learn on.' 'Well, sir, I think perhaps you should come back once you've learned to drive. I think a Rover might be nearer sir's mark.
So, he goes to a Rover dealer and looks at the cars there. A salesman asks if he can help, and the man repeats that he wants a car to learn on. 'Oh, says the salesman, 'you need something cheap and cheerful. Why not try a Ford?'
So he goes to a Ford dealer, and tells them he wants a car to learn on. 'Well,' says the man, 'it's all a matter of road sense first of all. Nothing like a bike to get that.'
So he goes to a cycle shop. 'Learning to ride a bicycle is all a question of balance,' says the shopman. For that, you ought to get a hoop.'
So the man goes to a toyshop and buys a hoop, and spends many a happy day bowling it up hill and down dale. One day he comes to a pub, leans his hoop against a wall and goes in to get a beer. While he is in there, a motorist backs into his hoop and breaks it. The man is furious.
'I'm very sorry,' says the motorist. 'Look, I'll pay for a new hoop. Can we shake hands on that?'
'That's all very well,' says the man, 'but how the devil do you think I'm going to get home?'
Posted by Dafyd (# 5549) on
:
From the Independent:
Intellectual jokes.
One of those is so old that Adam told it to Eve. And Eve had heard it before.
Posted by Firenze (# 619) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Dafyd:
From the Independent:
Intellectual jokes.
One of those is so old that Adam told it to Eve. And Eve had heard it before.
I like #25.
Posted by QLib (# 43) on
:
Yes, I think the dyslexic one is quite old, though I still like it. And another vote for 25. Don't get 12 - and maybe I don't get 20, or maybe it's just not very funny.
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on
:
A group of crows is a murder of crows.
0K = absolute zero
Posted by QLib (# 43) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Curiosity killed ...:
A group of crows is a murder of crows.
0K = absolute zero
Oh, thanks, CK... well, forgot about the crows.
It wasn't the OK one I didn't - must have got the number wrong, sorry - it was the Chomsky one, which I think I do get but I just don't think it's funny. [Linguists don't ever say something is wrong (?)]
Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on
:
Very good - and I did get every one. So I clearly am a geek.
Incidentally, #25, while it is very funny, is also a good example of why computer interpretation of language is so difficult.
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on
:
Jokes aren't funny if explained ... but I saw that list on Twitter when the Independent published it last month:
Heisenberg is a physicist - Heisenberg's uncertainty principle is the one that says you can't know the position and momentum of a particle, Gödel is a mathematician and logician, Chomsky is the only linguist.
Posted by QLib (# 43) on
:
Re No.18 Yes, I get the first part - just don't think it's funny. Bit like the Mandelbrot one - ingenious, perhaps, but not very funny IMHO. Still, most of them were really good.
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on
:
I'm not sure I get 22 (the Mandelbrot one). But would vote for 5 as the funniest.
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on
:
There's been a robbery in a toilet factory. Police say they have nothing to go on.
Posted by Carex (# 9643) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
Incidentally, #25, while it is very funny, is also a good example of why computer interpretation of language is so difficult.
Yes, some of us think he should have come home with 13 loaves. I suspect it depends he did after picking up the first loaf - did he put it back down in the bread case (since he went out to "pick up" a loaf, but not necessarily to purchase it), or into his shopping basket.
Of course a proper Software Engineer would have had a requirements review beforehand...
Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on
:
I've done work on less of a spec than that.
Ariel - Mandelbrot is famous for the Mandelbrot set and the images associated with that, which are identical at any magnification. So individual dots in the large pattern, when expanded, are the same as the original.
Like in that joke. Infinitely recursive.
Actually, I thought that was a very good one.
Posted by Adrienne (# 2334) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Carex:
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
Incidentally, #25, while it is very funny, is also a good example of why computer interpretation of language is so difficult.
Yes, some of us think he should have come home with 13 loaves. I suspect it depends he did after picking up the first loaf - did he put it back down in the bread case (since he went out to "pick up" a loaf, but not necessarily to purchase it), or into his shopping basket.
Yep, and others of us think the instructions should have been 'bring back a dozen', which I guess just goes to show quite a lot of us should get out more.
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
Ariel - Mandelbrot is famous for the Mandelbrot set and the images associated with that, which are identical at any magnification. So individual dots in the large pattern, when expanded, are the same as the original.
Like in that joke. Infinitely recursive.
Actually, I thought that was a very good one.
Thanks for that. I've played around with fractal generation packages, but always used a variety of filters to alter the recursions. After a while it just becomes habit and you forget that they're all much of a muchness.
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on
:
I'll read all of those Fringe jokes after I finish listening to Dame Judy Dench on 4Extra....
Posted by Hart (# 4991) on
:
There's been a robbery in a some kennels. Please see they have no leads.
Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by georgiaboy:
Three ladies again (sorry!)
Three deaf ladies on a London bus:
First Lady: 'I say, is this Wembley?'
Second Lady: 'No, dear, it's Thursday.'
Third Lady: 'So am I. Let's get off this bus and find a pub.'
(First heard around 1960.)
Older than that. I heard it on a recording of a Jack Benny radio show from the 1940s. And I got the impression that it was considered an (ahem!) established joke then, since they got out more laughs by interrupting the joke as it was being told (with such lines like "No, it wasn't a bus, it was a train." "No, the train wasn't headed south, it was headed north--no, wait it was east, by George!" etc.) And, with all the interruptions, Benny doesn't immediately get the joke--resulting in him breaking into a silly laugh a few minutes later when he finally got it.
Now leaving for Anaheim, Azusa and Cuc.......................amonga!
Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Hedgehog:
quote:
Originally posted by georgiaboy:
Three ladies again (sorry!)
Three deaf ladies on a London bus:
First Lady: 'I say, is this Wembley?'
Second Lady: 'No, dear, it's Thursday.'
Third Lady: 'So am I. Let's get off this bus and find a pub.'
(First heard around 1960.)
Older than that. I heard it on a recording of a Jack Benny radio show from the 1940s. And I got the impression that it was considered an (ahem!) established joke then, since they got out more laughs by interrupting the joke as it was being told (with such lines like "No, it wasn't a bus, it was a train." "No, the train wasn't headed south, it was headed north--no, wait it was east, by George!" etc.) And, with all the interruptions, Benny doesn't immediately get the joke--resulting in him breaking into a silly laugh a few minutes later when he finally got it.
Now leaving for Anaheim, Azusa and Cuc.......................amonga!
ISTM that P.G. Wodehouse used it earlier than that.
Posted by Spike (# 36) on
:
Q. What's yellow and smells of bananas?
A. Monkey sick
Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on
:
I thought 25 and the Mandelbrot ones were good, but my favourite of these sort of jokes isn't in this list. It also doesn't really count as an antique joke as forty years ago no one would have known what it meant.
A woman is married to a string theorist. She comes home to to find her husband in bed with another woman. "But darling", he says, "I can explain everything".
Posted by Albertus (# 13356) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Lord Jestocost:
Not technically old jokes yet, but destined to become so, are this year's winners of the funniest lines from the fringe.
The overall winner:
quote:
"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
I'd be happy with that as a bad joke thought up spontaneously in the pub, but I think I'd probably forget about it pretty soon afterwards. If that's really the funniest joke in the Fringe (and the 'same sex' one is the third funniest), Lord help the Fringe (or, more importantly, the unfortunate listener looking for comedy on BBC R4 in six months' time).
Posted by Gee D (# 13815) on
:
Why did Gordon Killara? Because if he hadn't, Chatswood.
At least 120 years old and perhaps more.
Posted by Lothlorien (# 4927) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Gee D:
Why did Gordon Killara? Because if he hadn't, Chatswood.
At least 120 years old and perhaps more.
The Cityrail attendant announcing trains had obviously not heard that one, Gee D.
He pronounced Killara with the accent on the first syllable and the rest of the word trailing off into oblivion. It sounded so odd that I did not immediately realise what he meant.
Posted by The Rogue (# 2275) on
:
Inspired by last week's Bake Off:
A man walked into an ironmongers and the shopkeeper said "did you know that you have custard in one ear and sponge cake in the other?" The man replied "You'll have to speak up - I'm a trifle deaf."
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