Thread: The Music of Hell Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Have you ever thought of what music will be played in Hell to make your suffering even worse? Perhaps it is time you did as you will be spending a long time there gazing up across that unbridgeable at God and I sitting on our clouds listening to Heavenly Harpists.

My first nomination is an endless loop of McCartney's - just mentioning his name gives endless possibilities - execrable Dull of Kintyre.
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Bagpipes - playing with Amazing Grace or Mull of Kintyre [Eek!]
 
Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :
 
They'll contract it out to Capital FM.
 
Posted by Kitten (# 1179) on :
 
Dreary hymns from the 18th & 19th centuries
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kitten:
Dreary hymns from the 18th & 19th centuries

Dreary worship songs from the 20th & 21st centuries

(I'll stop now - this isn't another H2C2 thread)
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
There would be a 23 hour programme of virtually non-stop music. It would include bagpipes, heavy metal, country & western, reggae, the sort of pop music where there's just one line repeated over and over until it fades out, and anything with a very thumpy, dominant bass line.

John Lennon's "Imagine" and his duets with Yoko would be also up there with a whole lot of cello concertos and someone screaming "Sanna Claus is comin' ter towwwwwnnn".

(Actually, Hell would be John & Yoko screaming a version of "Sanna Claus is comin’ ter towwwwwnnn" accompanied by cellos with a deep bass rhythm, backed by bagpipes and repeated on a loop.)
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Elvis singing Old Shep seems an obvious one to add to the list - actually Elvis singing anything at all!
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider:
They'll contract it out to Capital FM.

If you want to nominate cr@p music stations then Classic FM, aka Carsick FM, must be a long way up (or down) the list. Is it just me or do they play Barber's bloody Adagio every hour?

It's the lack of imagination that drives me nuts. Thank God for BBC radio.
 
Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :
 
I wouldn't know; I only listen to music on the radio first thing when Absolute comes on because I can't face the gloom of the Radio 4 News and Today programme before my first coffee of the day. From then on it's R4 as there are few radio stations whose music output I can abide and none of them are listenable to (or in some cases available) without DAB which I don't have in the car.
 
Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 
RAP "sung" by "Rap Artists"; anything with an automated rhythm track
 
Posted by moron (# 206) on :
 
Anything by Rush.

It's not just the barely sufferable lyrics... the voice HAS to be Satan incarnate.
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
The Smurf song.
Anything "sung" by Pinky and Perky.
Do they know its Christmas.
When a child is born, especially sung by Johnny Matthis. Bind us together, Lord.
Anything sung by either Max Bygraves, Frankie Vaughan or Des O'Connor.
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
Gosh - where to begin? Any country & western; anything by Elvis; anything by the Smiths; any hymns that have been messed about with by the Politically Correct brigade; any Edith Piaf.

I mostly agree with the anti-bagpipe brigade, but with two exceptions

(a) outdoors, playing Scotland the Brave or Highland Cathedral (but not Flower of Scotland), and

(b) playing Mull of Kintyre; for reasons I really can't explain, I quite liked it. [Hot and Hormonal]

**runs for cover**

[ 10. September 2013, 13:16: Message edited by: piglet ]
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
Is it just me or do they play Barber's bloody Adagio every hour?

No, it's either the theme from Star Wars or Fanfare for the Common Man, thanks for reminding me I can't stand either of these (to the point where I leap to turn the radio off). I do like Classic FM otherwise though.
 
Posted by WearyPilgrim (# 14593) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
Bagpipes - playing with Amazing Grace or Mull of Kintyre [Eek!]

Heart and Soul: the song that everyone who can't play the piano knows how to play on the piano.

Amazing Grace: the hymn that everyone who can't play the bagpipes knows how to play on the bagpipes.
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
The sort of pap they play when they 'put you on hold' when you telephone utilities companies.
 
Posted by Photo Geek (# 9757) on :
 
Anything even remotely "country".
 
Posted by Arch Anglo Catholic (# 15181) on :
 
Justin Bieber and One Direction, alternating, on a perpetual loop of horror and vileness.

Oh heavens, I feel queasy just thinking about it!
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
Ravel's Boléro. Going on and on, over and over.

So, no plans to go to Hell...but maybe I'll visit the harps with WW. Most of my time will be at the organ consoles in Heaven, though!
 
Posted by bib (# 13074) on :
 
Yodelled country style rap worship songs - my idea of ultimate nightmares!
 
Posted by Aggie (# 4385) on :
 
Too many to mention!! Dubstep or anything of that same genre, hip-hop, rap, anything by pappy poppy "manufactured" boy bands (and girl bands!), Jennifer Rush singing "The Power of Love". Worst of all, the Christmas songs CD that many shops have playing every day between the middle of November until 25th December, I am sure you know the one I mean, it has on it: When a Child is Born, Simply having a wonderful Christmas time; Santa Claus is coming to town; John and Yoko singing a dreary anti-war song and one that goes "Bells are ringing out for Christmas ..."

[ 10. September 2013, 14:35: Message edited by: Aggie ]
 
Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :
 
quote:
Justin Bieber and One Direction, alternating, on ...
quote:
... Bagpipes

 
Posted by Caissa (# 16710) on :
 
The Barney song.
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
It's kind of interesting thinking of tacky Christmas songs broadcast all over Hell. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer", among the top ten, I would think.

Maybe Christmas lasts all year, in that case! [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
Have you ever thought of what music will be played in Hell to make your suffering even worse?

When I worked in a music store I thought about this many times -- it had to be Enya.

I also agree with many that others have mentioned, but not rap. That's hell, but it isn't music.
 
Posted by ArachnidinElmet (# 17346) on :
 
Crazy Frog.
 
Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
It'll be Karaoke Nite at the Slug and Lettuce in West Bromwich. For ever.
 
Posted by ken (# 2460) on :
 
That depressing old sentimental egotist crybaby Schubert. Get over it already.

Though that might not be so bad because it would be hard to stay awake fort long periods of repetitive tinkle-tinkle supposedly sensitively artistic piano-fondling.
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
... Is it just me or do they play Barber's bloody Adagio every hour? ...

No - they alternate it with the slow movement from Mozart's Clarinet Concerto and the slow movements of every symphony they've got on CD.

Classic FM - home of the world's slowest music [Devil]

Having said that, I think Classic in general has been a Good Thing, in that it introduced a lot of people to classical music who otherwise wouldn't have heard it.
 
Posted by pererin (# 16956) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by piglet:
No - they alternate it with the slow movement from Mozart's Clarinet Concerto and the slow movements of every symphony they've got on CD.

Classic FM - home of the world's slowest music [Devil]

And the bloody theme music from the Harry bloody Potter movies.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Endless bloody Mozart!

I love the operas but most of his instrumental music is repetitive pap!
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
The slow movement from Max Bruch's violin concerto - yes, it is beautiful, but it is forever associated in my mind with Jennifer Archer going through yet another crisis [Eek!]
 
Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by leo:
The sort of pap they play when they 'put you on hold' when you telephone utilities companies.

Well said. Eternity's going to last a long time, and you know your call is not important to them.

I'd add anything by Bob Dylan.

I was also going to say the Christmas song which goes 'let it snow, let it snow, let it snow', but perhaps one might want to be reminded of the cold.
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah . I don't care who is droning through it, it has to be one of the most over-recorded, over-hyped, repetitive and depressing songs ever written.
Any artist who wants to record yet another cover version should be lashed to a chair and made to watch Barney's Big Movie Adventure on a continuous loop for 24 hours.
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
It'll be 'Last Night of the Proms' Every Single Day! [Eek!]
 
Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
Have you noticed, by the way, how many "Last Night ..." events are held around the country without having had a first night (or, indeed, any other concerts) previously?
 
Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on :
 
When I was going to the orthodontist once a month as a teenager, I ended up listening to a lot of the easy listening station while sitting in the chair. Late era Chicago, Starship, REO Speedwagon, really brutal stuff. All while having my braces slowly tightened.

Throw in "Imagine" every hour at the top of the hour and a few of the worst modern Christmas songs ("Last Christmas," "So this is Christmas," "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time,") and I think you get a pretty accurate soundtrack.

(And you people seriously need to educate yourselves about rap and hip hop. There has been a lot of commercial crap put out, but there is also some seriously good stuff out there.)
 
Posted by Barefoot Friar (# 13100) on :
 
I kind of doubt that Satan will play anything by the Gaithers or any "Jesus is my boyfriend" music, even for the purposes of torture. But we're still left with Elvis and boy bands, which are pretty horrible.

I was told that rock music would send you to hell. If that's the case, and if that's what Satan plays, then I'm going to be pretty happy. Just no Black Sabbath, please.
 
Posted by St. Gwladys (# 14504) on :
 
How about unfinished music - you know, the sort of thing you get as "holding" music. Chose a well known classical piece, start it playing and cut it off halfway. You are waiting for the next phrase, it has gone back to the beginning again.
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by pererin:
And the bloody theme music from the Harry bloody Potter movies.

I actually really like that. They just hardly ever play it when I'm listening.

Anyway, whatever else they play in Hell, it will be punctuated by mobile phone ringtones and it will be that infernal bloody whistling one that seems so prevalent just at the moment.
 
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
'Greensleves' played by bells, and no ice cream van in sight.
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Ice cream vans only have two tunes. The other one is the Teddy Bears' Picnic.
 
Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
The mental image this thread conjures is many lawns being got off of.
 
Posted by no prophet (# 15560) on :
 
Elevator muzak with miss-tuned soprano saxophones all played by cloned demons looking like Ozzy Osbourne and Kenny G had mated. And the percussion is whips.
 
Posted by Mere Nick (# 11827) on :
 
An endless Ray Conniff tribute to James Brown. Heaven would have James Brown.
 
Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
OK, I agree with most of these. My own contribution would be anything by Bruno Mars. He could sing it himself, as I am sure he will be there, for the offenses against music he has perpetrated.

Just for variation, you could have Classics on 45. Repeatedly. That should be enough to torture everyone, whatever their musical taste.
 
Posted by Catrine (# 9811) on :
 
Anything on panpipes- least relaxing music ever.
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
I can't believe so many people don't like the bagpipes! We had the village pipe band in our wee parish church last March, Psalm 139 to "Highland Cathedral." It felt like total immersion in the music; it was all-encompassing within the church. I honestly thought "This is what Heaven will sound like."

I think Hell would sound like one of those "on hold" telephone tunes on a short loop - 2 minutes of something classical, then "Thank you for holding" and the same 2 minutes of music again. And again. And again.
 
Posted by Garasu (# 17152) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
I can't believe so many people don't like the bagpipes!

Bagpipes are fine. Provided they're played on a hilltop a long way away.
 
Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :
 
"Horse With No Name."

Sung by a children's choir with accordion accompaniment.
 
Posted by ArachnidinElmet (# 17346) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
...

I think Hell would sound like one of those "on hold" telephone tunes on a short loop - 2 minutes of something classical, then "Thank you for holding" and the same 2 minutes of music again. And again. And again.

^This. It's that little pause where you think someone will pickup...and then the voice from Hell "we appreciate your call, no really we do. Mwahaha". [Devil] Torture, which I guess is the point.
 
Posted by Bene Gesserit (# 14718) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
Psalm 139 to "Highland Cathedral."

Highland Cathedral is one of the most moving pieces of music ever written.

I've never had the misfortune of hearing One Direction, thankfully, and I've never actually heard Justin Bieber. Hell for me would be an endless tape of rap.
 
Posted by Rev per Minute (# 69) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Garasu:
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
I can't believe so many people don't like the bagpipes!

Bagpipes are fine. Provided they're played on a hilltop a long way away.
In another country... on another continent... on a different planet. Sorry, but you need Caledonian genes to like bagpipes - so perhaps the Scottish hell would have music played on one of those tinkly things marching bands use?

Mine would probably be full of children's choirs - all made up of the child in every choir who sings in the wrong key (or a key of their own invention) at the top of their voice. All my favourite music, sung with no idea of tone or rhythm [Help]
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
... accompanied by a lot of shrill, off-key recorders very vigorously blown...
 
Posted by Garasu (# 17152) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Rev per Minute:
quote:
Originally posted by Garasu:
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
I can't believe so many people don't like the bagpipes!

Bagpipes are fine. Provided they're played on a hilltop a long way away.
In another country... on another continent... on a different planet.
In fairness, Northumbrian pipes aren't too bad...
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
You've reminded me how much I love bagpipes; guess what's belting out from my CD player now?
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
My first thought was the theme tune to "The Archers". But actually, even more hellish than that would be that lack of an off button so not only would I have to listen to the entire theme from start to finish (rather than switch it off as quickly as I can after hearing that first dum-de-dum) but then I'd have to listen to the whole programme. *shudder*
 
Posted by Adeodatus (# 4992) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Garasu:
quote:
Originally posted by Rev per Minute:
quote:
Originally posted by Garasu:
quote:
Originally posted by North East Quine:
I can't believe so many people don't like the bagpipes!

Bagpipes are fine. Provided they're played on a hilltop a long way away.
In another country... on another continent... on a different planet.
In fairness, Northumbrian pipes aren't too bad...
Northumbrian pipes are a sweet, civilised instrument invented by God himself. Bagpipes are what happened when some Northumbrian pipes went bad and were
quote:
Hurl'd headlong flaming from th'ethereal sky,
With hideous ruin and combustion down
To bottomless perdition, there to dwell.


 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
... while having my braces slowly tightened ...

Do you mean the ones on your teeth or the ones holding up your trousers? [Snigger]
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jack the Lass:
My first thought was the theme tune to "The Archers". But actually, even more hellish than that would be that lack of an off button so not only would I have to listen to the entire theme from start to finish (rather than switch it off as quickly as I can after hearing that first dum-de-dum) but then I'd have to listen to the whole programme. *shudder*

I reckon there has been somewhere roughly around four thousand hours of The Archers since it all started way back when so there could be a 4,000 hour tape loop with theme tune, episode and closing theme few bars, theme tune, episode and closing theme few bars something around 16,000 times.

I used to love The Archers, until that hussy Rooooth started getting all physical with the hired help, but that would indeed be Hell!
 
Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
Easy -- jazz fusion. The kind that goes on and on and on, no melody, no real rhythm, lots of snare, lots of crazy sax. Make. It. Stop.
 
Posted by Lord Jestocost (# 12909) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Catrine:
Anything on panpipes- least relaxing music ever.

I was recently in San Antonio where the mall outside the hotel was endlessly serenaded by Andean Fusion - I think that was the name of the group rather than the style. Panpipes with everything. Like, "Another brick in the wall", complete with guitar solo ... on panpipes.

So, yes, what Catrine said.
 
Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
Panpipes are a very particular form of lowest-denominator mediocrity. I tend to think of them as music for people who don't like music.
 
Posted by Snags (# 15351) on :
 
Surely in Hell it won't matter what the music is, because it will be played just loud enough that you can't tune it out but just quiet enough that you can't work out which piece it is, and it will all be annoyingly familiar ...
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Enya and Jewel sing duets of the Nickelbacks' greatest hits accompanied by Kenny G on kazoo.
 
Posted by St. Gwladys (# 14504) on :
 
Classic FM sometimes plays "music" by Jan Garbarek and the Hilyard Ensemble - nasty wail-y saxophone with no real tune over drone-y choral chanting. [Projectile] Don't often turn the car radio off, but I do for that. So unfinished classics - see earlier posts - interspersed with that would really be auditory hell.
 
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
The music of Hell is "rap': bad poetry set to worse music!
 
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by St. Gwladys:
Classic FM sometimes plays "music" by Jan Garbarek and the Hilyard Ensemble - nasty wail-y saxophone with no real tune over drone-y choral chanting. [Projectile] Don't often turn the car radio off, but I do for that. So unfinished classics - see earlier posts - interspersed with that would really be auditory hell.

Why not tune into Radio 2 or Radio 4? Mostly harmless!
 
Posted by PeteC (# 10422) on :
 
Any music, at all, is Hellish, as it is just cacophony. It would be easy to torment me in Hell, because Heaven would be blissful silence.
 
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
This is HELL!
 
Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
Satan drives around Hell in a small car with a six inch diameter chrome exhaust pipe - because it looks baaad!

The boot of the car is home to an oversized amp and the back seats are adapted for two enormous bass speakers. There may be others, but no-one has ever heard anything that might be described as a tune. Just the thud, thud, thud as he drives around.

As he draws up to your little bit of hell, there is a sudden silence followed by the sound of the door opening. Then your blood freezes as the only sound is the tsk, tsk, tsk of his earphones.
 
Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 
There is no music in Hell. Noise, Noise and more Noise. Cacophony, shouting, grinding.

But no music, no laughter, not even silence. Just noise.
 
Posted by ChaliceGirl (# 13656) on :
 
That dreaded song from "Titanic" by Celine Dion!
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by balaam:
This is HELL!

Where the hell did you manage to dig that one up?

[Overused]
 
Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:
That dreaded song from "Titanic" by Celine Dion!

We did that one in an all-school choir concert shortly after the film came out- our choir director was a fantastic teacher, and I give her credit for my ability to sing chromatic scales, but she did program some cheesy stuff for all school choir concerts. Consider that one sung by a school choir, and I think we may have another winner.
 
Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :
 
It is now clear that in Hell, as in Heaven, everyone will have their own iPod.
 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
quote:
Originally posted by balaam:
This is HELL!

Where the hell did you manage to dig that one up?

[Overused]

Wow - I can't conceive of paying for that! But people obviously did.

And please, please, please don't let any of the London buskers who use bagpipes know about that idea.
 
Posted by kankucho (# 14318) on :
 
Cultural-mash-up tinkly-winkly new-age aid-to-meditation music (available exclusively from www.inca-isis-gypsymoon.com and astrologically compatible outlets in Camden Lock Market)

[ 18. September 2013, 01:08: Message edited by: kankucho ]
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Kankucho, your link doesn't work for me, and I can't figure out what it could be, sorry. Please feel free to try again.

Thanks

Ariel
Heaven Host
 
Posted by Lothlorien (# 4927) on :
 
Ravel's Bolero. I'm thinking of the version (video) some years ago. It's a rehearsal and starts with just a few instruments. As the minutes drag on and on, the conductor brings in more and more instruments till the whole orchestra bursts into the theme. This takes at least 15 minutes of the same few bars over and over.

It was used at a a conference to promote team work and unity.

I can't hear even a reasonable performance of this now without squirming at the recollection.
 
Posted by Gee D (# 13815) on :
 
There was a Punch cartoon of two Polar explorers looking over a ridge at penguins skating below. Says one: I thought so, Ravel's bloody Bolero.

And the famous criticism of Ravel. He explored the stage when boredom was reached. In one long piece (can't recall which), this was a few bars from the end; in Bolero, a few from the start.

My Hell music? Endless repetitions of any or all Rachmaninov. Not even the value of his own recordings of some works saves them.
 
Posted by the giant cheeseburger (# 10942) on :
 
The perfect storm in hell for me would be a bad song and video as featured in an infamous Win32 trojan, then remixed for good measure.
 
Posted by WearyPilgrim (# 14593) on :
 
Over here across the Pond, there are radio stations --- several hundred of them --- that suspend their normal formats around Thanksgiving (the third week in November) and play nothing but Christmas music until New Year's. It goes without saying that I'm not talking classical Christmas music.

I find that it gets old really, really fast.

Hell would be well served by this.
 
Posted by the giant cheeseburger (# 10942) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by WearyPilgrim:
Over here across the Pond, there are radio stations --- several hundred of them --- that suspend their normal formats around Thanksgiving (the third week in November) and play nothing but Christmas music until New Year's. It goes without saying that I'm not talking classical Christmas music.

I find that it gets old really, really fast.

Hell would be well served by this.

Hell would be well served by doing that for every month of the year except December.

People who get snooty about Advent would have it extended to cover all but last week of December.
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lothlorien:
Ravel's Bolero. I'm thinking of the version (video) some years ago. It's a rehearsal and starts with just a few instruments. As the minutes drag on and on, the conductor brings in more and more instruments till the whole orchestra bursts into the theme. This takes at least 15 minutes of the same few bars over and over.

It was used at a a conference to promote team work and unity.

I can't hear even a reasonable performance of this now without squirming at the recollection.

I agree. [Biased]
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lothlorien:
Ravel's Bolero ...

Not long before D. and I went on our first date, my mother had seen the film 10 which involves Dudley Moore and Bo Derek using that piece as background music for getting ... intimate.

The last thing Mum said to me before I went out was "have a lovely time, dear, and I don't want to come back and find you listening to Ravel's Bolero."

Guess what started playing on the piped music at the restaurant just as our starters arrived?

[Hot and Hormonal] [Help] [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by PaulBC (# 13712) on :
 
endless runs of choruses But then I have had that already hmmm maybe acid rock played at 3000x normal volume
 
Posted by hugorune (# 17793) on :
 
I really want to say something disparaging here about the music produced by a certain prominent Christian organisation, but I'm not sure how Christian it is to do that [Paranoid]
 
Posted by Quinquireme (# 17384) on :
 
Floaty New Age crap in D minor such as idiot yoga teachers use in the background, in an attempt to help you relax. Like the chauffeur in my underpants, it drives me nuts!
 
Posted by The Rhythm Methodist (# 17064) on :
 
Originally posted by hugorune:

I really want to say something disparaging here about the music produced by a certain prominent Christian organisation, but I'm not sure how Christian it is to do that.

Maybe you'd feel more comfortable using a pseudonym for that 'prominent Christian organisation'. Perhaps we could refer to them as "Hellsongs", or something similar?:

Personally, I'm with Sir Kevin: Rap music...and I use the word 'music' very loosely. I imagine the devil himself to be clad in a reversed baseball-cap, with his buttocks protruding from a half-mast pair of oversize clown's pantaloons. There'll be those absurd and slightly disturbing hand-gestures - somewhere on the cusp between affectation and affliction - as he mouths an endless stream of mindless doggerel, set to an electronic beat. If there is the smallest chance that Hell will be "rap music central", then there is all the more reason to be grateful to Christ.
 
Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :
 
I agree with just about every the don't-like listed here. But the problem posed by WW's opening post has more to do with "eternity" than with musical taste. Even my favorite music -- the kind that fascinates, seduces, and rewards repeated listening -- would produce agony if I were forced to listen to it for ever and ever ... and ever.

I will never forget an RC catechism class in which a priest tried to terrify us about the Hellish consequences of indulging in "impure thoughts."

quote:
Imagine this. God sends a dove whose task it is to carry every particle of dust on the earth to the moon, one particle at a time. When the task was done ... eternity had not even begun.


[ 21. September 2013, 13:22: Message edited by: roybart ]
 
Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Rhythm Methodist:
I'm with Sir Kevin: Rap music...

Correction - You spell it with a letter 'C'
 
Posted by The Rhythm Methodist (# 17064) on :
 
@balaam

You are right, of course - I stand corrected! [Smile]
 
Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Grits:
Easy -- jazz fusion. The kind that goes on and on and on, no melody, no real rhythm, lots of snare, lots of crazy sax. Make. It. Stop.

Hey, now! There's no call for dissing snare drums! I'm a drummer and I quite like snare drums. Jazz Fusion (Weather Report, Billy Cobham, Mahavishnu Orchestra) is great but I'm not crazy about "Smooth Jazz" which is of the Kenny G., Yanni, Michael Bloated... uh, I mean Michael Bolton ilk. Fluffy bunch of insulin-laden crap.
 
Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :
 
Any of Enya's recordings after "Watermark". Ugh! Took a cool concept with ethereal vocals and ran it repeatedly into the ground.

ANYTHING by Celine Dion. Seriously, she is a spawn of Satan.
 
Posted by Galloping Granny (# 13814) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by balaam:
This is HELL!

Did anyone click on that and then listen to all four+ minutes?

My offering for hell is for 'on hold' music of any kind over a very crackly line.

And hands up anyone whose favourite music has been listed above for torment (some have already identified themselves).

GG
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The5thMary:
...ANYTHING by Celine Dion. Seriously, she is a spawn of Satan.

Absolutely!
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
This weekend, I was at a party in our village hall, which is a bit bigger than a badminton court, and a medley which ended with "Happy Birthday" was played by six bagpipers, three small drums and one large drum.

Perhaps, "Happy Birthday" on the pipes isn't heavenly, but the bagpipes, up close, in a confined space, are sublime!


[Axe murder]
 
Posted by Galloping Granny (# 13814) on :
 
So the pipes will be playing in heaven.
 
Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by ChaliceGirl:
That dreaded song from "Titanic" by Celine Dion!

If I was on a ship and that song was playing, I would jump into the drink just to get away from it. Wow. A song that would cause me to commit suicide. Yep, as I said before and Welease agreed, Celine Dion is an unholy spawn of Satan. [Snigger]
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
The Titanic song ties with I will always love you (ooooooooo) as trilled by Whitney Houston.

Much better when sung by the writer, Dolly Parton...
 
Posted by Beautiful Dreamer (# 10880) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Rhythm Methodist:


Personally, I'm with Sir Kevin: Rap music...and I use the word 'music' very loosely. I imagine the devil himself to be clad in a reversed baseball-cap, with his buttocks protruding from a half-mast pair of oversize clown's pantaloons. There'll be those absurd and slightly disturbing hand-gestures - somewhere on the cusp between affectation and affliction - as he mouths an endless stream of mindless doggerel, set to an electronic beat. If there is the smallest chance that Hell will be "rap music central", then there is all the more reason to be grateful to Christ.

I don't know...I find that stuff to be so ridiculous that it makes me laugh my ass off. Maybe seeing it all the time won't be so funny, though.

I once had a dream that I was in a Hell that looked just like my high school and played nothing but "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and "Rumpshaker" over and over and over again. Ugh.

I suppose I'm dating myself by saying this, but this was the stuff that was popular when I started high school. God help me. [Smile]

The5thMary and other US mates might know this...remember the "FreeCreditReport.Com" commericals? I suspect they're so annoying that we could torture *Satan* by playing them. [Smile]
 
Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Kitten:
Dreary hymns from the 18th & 19th centuries

Indeed. That period of English church music is a low point, both as to versifying and tune-fabrication.

To this, I'd add all musical forms with the prefix "techno" in their title.
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
What utter cobblers, roybart:

The 18th and 19th centuries only suffer such judgement through being compared with the riches of the 17th century - and also with being compared with Handel, who was not even English, however much he worked here.

The 18th century can boast Greene, Clarke, Croft and Boyce. You are denying the good work of Attwood, Stainer, Wesley, Stanford et al.

Frankly, if you're looking for a period of dearth in composition for the English church, you only have to go back to the last century, particularly the last part of it: take out a few figures such as Howells, Britten and Rutter (!) and you're not left with much.
 
Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
What utter cobblers, roybart:

The 18th and 19th centuries only suffer such judgement through being compared with the riches of the 17th century - and also with being compared with Handel, who was not even English, however much he worked here.

The 18th century can boast Greene, Clarke, Croft and Boyce. You are denying the good work of Attwood, Stainer, Wesley, Stanford et al.

Frankly, if you're looking for a period of dearth in composition for the English church, you only have to go back to the last century, particularly the last part of it: take out a few figures such as Howells, Britten and Rutter (!) and you're not left with much.

I can see that, depending on where one has come from, my lack of conventional taste in hymns might seem "cobblers" to someone else with a very different background. I don't have a Hymnal at hand, but will definitely recheck the hymns you refer to, and give them a respectful try in private.

In retrospect, I think I should have referred to the "late 18th century" as my starting point, rather than the entire century.

I should also say that I grew up in a non-church-going family, and began formal worship in the RCCh before the Vatican Council. The congregation did not sing, except for a few carols at Christmas time. Almost everything (at least as I remember it) was in Latin.

This means that I have no positive childhood memories of, or emotional ties to, congregational hymn-singing in English. It's a limitation I have never been able to overcome. I sometimes envy the people around me who know and love these hymns and sing them with gusto.

[ 26. September 2013, 16:53: Message edited by: roybart ]
 
Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :
 
Beautiful Dreamer: The freecreditreport.com commercials ARE annoying but I found something even worse: "The J.D. Wentworth Cash Now" commercials could cause Satan AND Jesus severe mental anguish! That damn song will just play in your head for days! [Waterworks]
 
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:


Frankly, if you're looking for a period of dearth in composition for the English church, you only have to go back to the last century, particularly the last part of it: take out a few figures such as Howells, Britten and Rutter (!) and you're not left with much.

We like Rutter and some Britten: we've sung it in church and my wife sung it at university.
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking all Rutter.

In my neck of the rural woods the thing he wrote for an anniversary for the CPRE, Look at the world, goes down a storm at harvest.

Otherwise, its falls back to either The heavens are telling or similar.

On the other hand, if you want your congregation of non-regulars to suffer, there's a particularly grim little oeuvre from Sidney Nicholson, Let us with a gladsome mind, that does the job perfectly ...
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
We tolerate Rutter because it gives the organist a chance to play all the twiddly bits - which he so loves - on the piano. He loves playing the organ most of the time, as long as we occasionally let him indulge his twiddle.

What he hates most is Victorian music. Which is tricky as it has comprised a large part of our repertoire up to now.
 
Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The5thMary:
"The J.D. Wentworth Cash Now" commercials could cause Satan AND Jesus severe mental anguish!

Au contraire! The Wagnerian parody ranks among the classics of commercial creativity.
 
Posted by Eigon (# 4917) on :
 
I think I heard some of the Music of Hell today - there was a string trio in the corner of the hall at the event I went to (greeting visitors to our town from Timbuktu) and no-one was quite sure whether they were tuning up or just atonal. Goodness knows what the Malians thought!
 
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Sadly, I heard the Music of Hell to day at the wedding where we were singing. We didn't do too well. It happens sometimes.... [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
... as long as we occasionally let him indulge his twiddle ...

Best way to keep him happy ... [Snigger]

I confess a little Rutter goes a very long way with me - no more than one carol (preferably the Shepherd's Pie) in the Nine Lessons - but I was at a funeral the other day where my boss's daughter (who's 12) sang The Lord bless you and keep you so beautifully it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
 
Posted by David (# 3) on :
 
In one of the early missions in Splinter Cell - Blacklist you have to make your way through a darkened shopping mall populated by terrorists with torches and machine guns. If, like me, you prefer to take your Splinter Cell with the utmost stealth, this part of the mission can take an extended period of time.

An extended period of time during which there is a Christmassy song playing on continuous loop over the shop PA called "The Loveliest Tree in the Valley".

That.

And K-Pop.
 
Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
quote:
Originally posted by The5thMary:
"The J.D. Wentworth Cash Now" commercials could cause Satan AND Jesus severe mental anguish!

Au contraire! The Wagnerian parody ranks among the classics of commercial creativity.
Sorry, old boy, but that damn song gets in my head for days and days until I want to kill myself. It is funny but it's a terrible earworm to have in your head.
 
Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :
 
Satan would get a real kick out of this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-NOZU2iPA8

I know I mentioned it in Crappy Choruses but, really, everyone should have to experience it at least once. [Devil]
 
Posted by Mockingale (# 16599) on :
 
I suspect that Hell involves a Taize chant that has gone on about 6000 years too long. Or maybe "Christian pop."
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
"Christian Pop" - one of the teen sons has a new conspiracy theory that goes something this:

Christian Pop is, in fact, the music of the devil to see just how many gullible believers can be traduced into thinking it either of merit or something that will attract new converts.

As son said - Christian Pop is proof not only of hell but of hell on earth... [Two face]
 
Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
Christian Heavy Metal is much preferable, though it may no longer exist...
 
Posted by Nanny Ogg (# 1176) on :
 
The music that would be hellish punishment for my sins is death metal, anything in the 12 tone technique, free or avant-garde jazz and rap, particularly the gangsta variety.

Think I'll repent now to save my ear drums.

* Forgot to add St Winifred's School choir and other child "stars" *

[ 04. October 2013, 12:40: Message edited by: Nanny Ogg ]
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
...of course, there is always this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtf2Q4yyuJ0

played on a continuous loop [Eek!]
 
Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
[Disappointed]
L'organist, you DO know that the hosts have to listen to the links, don't you? What did we ever do to you?
[Biased]
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Sorry.

On the other hand, if want the ultimate Christmas present for the office pretentious nerd, buy then The Unbelievable glory of the Human Voice by the same Mrs Foster Jenkins - it'll blow their mind. [Killing me]
 
Posted by Galloping Granny (# 13814) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The5thMary:
Satan would get a real kick out of this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-NOZU2iPA8

I know I mentioned it in Crappy Choruses but, really, everyone should have to experience it at least once. [Devil]

[Projectile]

GG
 
Posted by Mudfrog (# 8116) on :
 
Jazz.

Nothing to add.
 
Posted by Stercus Tauri (# 16668) on :
 
A certain presbyterian (PCUSA) church in the middle of New York State. Their organist can murder any good hymn that you thought you knew and loved, and the croaking rabble that wears gowns and calls itself a choir will jump up and down on its corpse. The only thing that choir and organist have in common is that they all go to church at about the same time. They have nothing to do with each other during the service. That's music for hell.
 
Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Mudfrog:
Jazz.

Nothing to add.

WHAT?! Not ALL Jazz is the same. Are you seriously saying that every little bit of Jazz music is Hellish? Wow.
 
Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
Some jazz is heavenly, meditational.
 
Posted by Miss Madrigal (# 15528) on :
 
I have a strong suspicion that Graham Kendrick's oeuvre will feature heavily.
 
Posted by roybart (# 17357) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
Have you ever thought of what music will be played in Hell to make your suffering even worse?

Whatever it is, it will be off-pitch. Jenkins gives us what amounts to a master class in every possible variation of this phenomenon. (Thanks, l'organist, for that link. And what more appropriate visual accompaniment for the Music of Hell than photos of cats with cute captions?)

[ 06. October 2013, 21:06: Message edited by: roybart ]
 
Posted by Starbug (# 15917) on :
 
Not just off-pitch, but badly tuned in, like a radio that isn't quite set to the station.
 


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