Thread: The REAL Resolutions Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :
 
OK I've royally had it with those self-righteous assholes who are broadcasting their stupid resolutions such as; losing 50 pounds, working out daily, finding Jimmy Hoffa, and bringing about world peace. Screw these annoying jackasses! I say we come up with the REAL resolutions....here are mine.
1. I will not choke to death anyone who tells me that I need to believe in God the way they do(or go to church, etc) in order to go to heaven.

2. I will resist the urge to kick in the teeth anybody who asks me if I am going to get into shape this year. Apple IS a shape and I work hard to maintain it, thank you very much.

3. I will not do anything; church, time with people, etc, only out of guilt and manipulation and I will start telling people that (this shit is about to get real).

OK --come on people, bring out the REAL resolutions.

[ 06. January 2014, 18:28: Message edited by: Charlie-in-the-box ]
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 

quote:

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I will resist the urge to kick in the teeth anybody who asks me if I am going to get into shape this year. Apple IS a shape and I work hard to maintain it, thank you very much.

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Quote file!

Other than that, not a clue as to what to add to this thread.
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
As I said when I started my thread on resolutions in Heaven, I'll make a conscious effort to watch more television and listen to more music. I also intend to sample lots of different kinds of dark chocolate, and change my hair colour at least once.

So far, so good, all is going as planned. Except the thread, which seems to be turning into a Thread of Virtuous Intentions rather than fun resolutions that people will be motivated to keep. The stuff about having more dinner-parties is good, though, and it would be a good way to sample some more wines. Might adopt that one.
 

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Posted by Sober Preacher's Kid (# 12699) on :
 
Hmm, this Apprentice shows promise.
 

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Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :
 
What's a Presbymethegationalist? Is there a religion I missed? I thought I'd been all of them.
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Ariel:
I also intend to sample lots of different kinds of dark chocolate

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quote:

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Originally posted by deano:
I actually started on the treadmill at the end of November. Got up to 5.5 kph for 30 minutes three or four times a week

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quote:

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Originally posted by Ariel:

quote:

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Originally posted by deano:
I actually started on the treadmill at the end of November. Got up to 5.5 kph for 30 minutes three or four times a week

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You might need to do a bit more than that. It probably only keeps the lightbulbs going for 30 minutes three or four times a week.

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According to the little dial I use about 140 calories, which is about a bag of chips I reckon.

I'm building it back up to running speed slowly so I can get back to doing that. I used to enjoy when I was younger and fitter. Not sure I'll get there, but still, even if it makes me fit enough to caddy for my son around the golf course next season that'll do me. Little steps, just lots of them. Got to be better than nothing.
 

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Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Thirty minutes on my recumbent bike will get you 80, which is a smallish apple, so you're doing better than some, Deano.

On January 1st I resolved to give up all sugar and eat lots of healthy vegetables. I'm proud to say I did that. Now I'm moving briskly on to the, "Bake more cakes and cookies," resolution.
 

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Posted by comet (# 10353) on :
 
1) I will no longer hide my light under a bushel. I will embrace the fact that I'm an anti-social burr under the saddle of the majority of the world.

I will build my cabin in the woods, and never tell anyone where it is. The driveway side will have warning signs, surveillance cameras, recordings of gunfire, and caltrops. The non-driveway side will have a lovely garden and meditation center.

I will never get a phone installed.

I will emerge into the community only just enough to make people wonder who that beautiful, mysterious stranger is. I will do my best not to have ketchup running down my face or loud farts when I emerge. I will also avoid my impulse to awkwardly tell inappropriate jokes while being the mysterious stranger.

or to belch.

2) I will accept the fact that I need to collect bizarre clothing/costuming from other eras (and, perhaps, realities) and no longer feel embarrassed that I own 2 dozen costume hats (in addition to the several dozen socially acceptable ones) as well as a variety of capes, corsets, doublets, superhero costumes, and sword belts. rather than storing these away in shame, I will just build bigger closets.

I reserve the right to wear a cape while being the Mysterious Stranger.

3) I will build more bookshelves.
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Twilight:
On January 1st I resolved to give up all sugar and eat lots of healthy vegetables. I'm proud to say I did that. Now I'm moving briskly on to the, "Bake more cakes and cookies," resolution.

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quote:

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Originally posted by comet:
1) I will no longer hide my light under a bushel. I will embrace the fact that I'm an anti-social burr under the saddle of the majority of the world.

I will build my cabin in the woods, and never tell anyone where it is. The driveway side will have warning signs, surveillance cameras, recordings of gunfire, and caltrops. The non-driveway side will have a lovely garden and meditation center.

I will never get a phone installed.

I will emerge into the community only just enough to make people wonder who that beautiful, mysterious stranger is. I will do my best not to have ketchup running down my face or loud farts when I emerge. I will also avoid my impulse to awkwardly tell inappropriate jokes while being the mysterious stranger.

or to belch.

2) I will accept the fact that I need to collect bizarre clothing/costuming from other eras (and, perhaps, realities) and no longer feel embarrassed that I own 2 dozen costume hats (in addition to the several dozen socially acceptable ones) as well as a variety of capes, corsets, doublets, superhero costumes, and sword belts. rather than storing these away in shame, I will just build bigger closets.

I reserve the right to wear a cape while being the Mysterious Stranger.

3) I will build more bookshelves.

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Comet, you rock! I love it.
 

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Posted by Taliesin (# 14017) on :
 
I resolve to drink more vodka, I was sadly lacking last year.

I will attend more live gigs, and be more uninhibitedly stupid at them.

I will stop worrying about dog hair on the sofa and just recline into it.

I will speak truth, at church and elsewhere. I have begun. Mwahahaha...
 

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Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:
2. I will resist the urge to kick in the teeth anybody who asks me if I am going to get into shape this year. Apple IS a shape and I work hard to maintain it, thank you very much.

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quote:

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Originally posted by orfeo:
Watch better quality porn.

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Make better quality porn.
Have sex in footy kit.

These two may be related.
 

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Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Invest in better quality porn.
 

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Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
If I feel the temptation getting too much I will get Himself or Herself [or anyone] to hide the machete that lives under the stairs BEFORE I get to use it on somebody well-deserving*!


eta: *I've quite an extensive list here!

[ 07. January 2014, 02:42: Message edited by: Welease Woderwick ]
 

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Posted by PeteC (# 10422) on :
 
He's not joking folks. Trust me on that.
 

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Posted by cheesymarzipan (# 9442) on :
 
I decided to put on some weight, this will save me having to wear so many jumpers. Of course i don't know what I weigh so any success will be pretty difficult to measure...
I will spend more time (if possible) curled up in a blanket on the sofa in cold/rainy weather, and lazing in the park in any sunshine that comes along. (accompanied my my latest book...)
I will read more books (not a resolution, just inevitable)

[ 07. January 2014, 11:43: Message edited by: cheesymarzipan ]
 

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Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
I will not attend any Church meetings. If they want me to do something they can ask me.

I resolved this last year and it worked. Lots of meeting time saved and just as much Church stuff done.

Meetings are a total waste of time, useful not even for generating hot air.
 

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Posted by quetzalcoatl (# 16740) on :
 
Sort of stream of consciousness stuff - don't read novels (made up shit), eat spicy potato wedges (nice), undress women with my eyes (nice), be embarrassed and ashamed more often (not nice, but it happens anyway), have more sex (nice), detect guilt more quickly. No, that one is a no-hoper.
 

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Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
This year I am seriously going to apply myself to becoming rich and famous in order that in a year from hence I can tell my employer to bugger off and stick their job in a proverbial dark and uncomfortable location. Failing that I shall consider becoming a kept woman in order that in a year from hence I can tell my employer to bugger off and stick their job in a proverbial dark and uncomfortable location.

(Only partly joking)
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
If I feel the temptation getting too much I will get Himself or Herself [or anyone] to hide the machete that lives under the stairs BEFORE I get to use it on somebody well-deserving*!


eta: *I've quite an extensive list here!

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quote:

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Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
If I feel the temptation getting too much I will get Himself or Herself [or anyone] to hide the machete that lives under the stairs BEFORE I get to use it on somebody well-deserving*!


eta: *I've quite an extensive list here!

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quote:

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Originally posted by Boogie:
I will not attend any Church meetings. If they want me to do something they can ask me.

I resolved this last year and it worked. Lots of meeting time saved and just as much Church stuff done.

Meetings are a total waste of time, useful not even for generating hot air.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Og, King of Bashan:
Yeah, this is the year I start ditching the annual meeting as well. As long as there are more qualified candidates for the vestry than open spots, I will feel no shame about it either.

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Annual? I'm a Methodist - the meetings are (near enough) weekly!


 

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Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :
 
I pretty much gave up attending church at all. I like increasing alcohol consumption. Thanks for the inspiration.
 

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Posted by Charlie-in-the-box (# 17954) on :
 
I got it! Attend church meetings AFTER alcohol consumption while viewing porn. Might make them a lot more interesting.
 

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Posted by ArachnidinElmet (# 17346) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:
I got it! Attend church meetings AFTER alcohol consumption while viewing porn. Might make them a lot more interesting.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:
I got it! Attend church meetings AFTER alcohol consumption while viewing porn. Might make them a lot more interesting.

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First convincing argument for conversion to Christianity I've yet heard.
St. Charlie-in-the-box, evangelist for the 21st. Century.
 

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Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Charlie-in-the-box:
I got it! Attend church meetings AFTER alcohol consumption while viewing porn. Might make them a lot more interesting.

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