Ship of Fools: How not to cry

Thread: How not to cry Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Theophania (# 16647) on :

I burst into tears really easily and it's getting increasingly ridiculous and inconvenient, especially at work.

Got to the stage now where I've been told it looks as if I'm doing it on purpose to be manipulative. That is horrible for everyone and I jolly well need to stop: I just can't work out how.

Telling myself to not be so feeble, mind over sinuses, etc, hasn't worked: is there anything anyone can recommend to get me to stop the physical symptoms?

Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :

See your GP and check for any hormonal / mood issues - if that is all clear, it is one of the kind of things a reputable hypnotherapist might be able to help with.

Also, check with a trusted other that the situations in which you cry do not suggest you are being bullied at work and then blamed for your reaction.

[ 22. January 2014, 18:37: Message edited by: Doublethink ]

Posted by Gildas (# 525) on :

Doublethink's advice is very good.

It could be displacement activity. When I took my Grandmother's funeral it was a case of put game face on and move into action. But subsequently I have found myself sobbing like a child apropos of not very much because I wasn't mourning at the funeral but doing a job and the grief has had to work itself out in other circumstances. I'm not that bothered because it happens at odd moments when other people aren't looking and I know about cause and effect but in your case it's clearly affecting the way you function so you might want to think about that and if there is a way you can work things out. If you are in the UK and need bereavement counselling then your GP can help with that.

And absolutely what Doublethink said about the bullying. Talk to people you can trust.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

Allow yourself a safe place you know you can go to very soon (and negotiate this at work if need be) - it may be possible to hold back tears temporarily until you reach this safe place, then return when you are feeling OK again. It may be possible to gradually extend this time until it no longer poses a problem. But, in the meantime, people know how to be understanding when you have suffered a bereavement and get upset, so why not for other reasons too?

Posted by Ian Climacus (# 944) on :

Theophania, I am sorry others are reading ill into your motives.

The above is great advice. I was bursting into tears daily, which seemed to frighten some around me. I was blessed to have 2 great managers and good colleagues who helped me through -- a walk or distraction activity helped me [I'd run into the server room at times and sort shelves or count screws...]. But seeing a doctor helped immensely -- it took my manager's dragging me to my doctor's waiting room to do it; I wish I had've gone earlier.

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

And one more possibility... I don't know what age you are, but if you are a woman "of a certain age", tearfulness can be something that goes with that. You can find yourself standing in the vegetable aisle at the supermarket feeling tearful at the sight of cucumbers, and get through half a box of Kleenex over a cartoon that's meant to be funny. A natural tendency to emotional expressiveness can be intensified by hormonal upheaval, and not everyone always realizes what's happening at first. If you're in your 40s or over, don't discount it as a possibility.

Either way, as Doublethink says, your first port of call is your GP.

Posted by anoesis (# 14189) on :

While not wanting to discount or dilute anything that anyone else has said so far - because it all sounds like excellent advice - I notice you say something like 'how can I get on top of the physical symptoms?'.

I was told by my daughter's teacher last year (she is very tearful), that if you get a child to look up at the ceiling and maintain that position they are physically unable to sob. She had interesting stuff on the classroom ceiling for this purpose. I don't know whether or not it works, I haven't tried - it could be an old wives' tale, but on the other hand, if anyone knows these tricks, it will be teachers.

I hope you find some resolution. For some reason I still don't understand, the siege of Sarajevo had such an effect on me that I could not watch the news for many months without crying freely, and I had no particular connection to it or reason to be any more affected by it than any of the other continuous stream of hideousness which issues from new bulletins every day. But at least that happened at a predictable time of day...

Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :

I cried when I learned about the Polish army's cavalry charge in 1939. I am quite surprised I didn't get teased about it, actually, but maybe everyone else in the class felt the same way.

Apparently being stressed can make you liable to burst into tears on the smallest provocation, too (I speak from personal experience here) but apart from that I don't have anything to add to the excellent advice everyone else has given.

Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :

Theophania: it can be just as bad for those of us who find it impossible to weep at the "right" times.

Yes, see if there is a medical reason for your tearfulness. But if there isn't, just point out to colleagues and close friends that you water easily - and that sometimes it may be rage that makes you cry???

Posted by que sais-je (# 17185) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
I cried when I learned about the Polish army's cavalry charge in 1939. I am quite surprised I didn't get teased about it, actually, but maybe everyone else in the class felt the same way.

Things like that still make me cry at the age of 63. I'd add the rescue of Danish Jews, the part of "In which we serve" when they bring back soldiers from Dunkirk, the end of "The Snow Goose", "It's a Wonderful Life" .....

Fortunately my wife wasn't expecting a strong silent type.

Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :

It depends greatly on why you are crying.

But if I want to refrain from getting emotional (for example when public speaking and it wouldn't be appropriate) I think of dog poo. Try crying and thinking of dog poo, if make it graphic in your mind - the crying doesn't happen.

(Bleugh!)

Yukky - but it works!

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

Haha, Boogie, what a wonderful idea! Now I need to go and find something to be upset about, just to try it out! [Big Grin]

Posted by Alicïa (# 7668) on :

Oh I wish I had seen that post an hour ago Boogie. I just had a bout of the waterworks when I really wanted to keep it together. Next time I am trying that.

Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :

Speaking only for myself; it is not always a matter of the valve opening, but cistern being full.

Posted by Graven Image (# 8755) on :

I have found that biting the inside of my cheek or pinching my leg or arm helps. Seems the pain gets the brains attention and turns off the water works. The pooh idea sounds a lot less painful.

Posted by Pants (# 999) on :

Boogie that's so cool!! Rofl!!

Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :

I squiggle materials with my fingers, and like comforting things around me as well as bursting into tears all the damn time. I found a shawl in debanhams that I liked, and suddenly realised that it was a socially acceptable comfort blanket, which I now wear whenever I think I'm going to be fragile and it really seems to help.

A very good friend is also in the situation where their distress and panic attacks are seen as manipulative and the whole situation worries me. I just want them out of the toxic environment.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

When I was at school, or similar situation, and an adult was getting very cross and telling me off, I used to imagine they were bald*. That made them look so funny, it made me want to laugh instead, and cheered me up.

*if you think this is being cruel to someone follicly challenged, you could always imagine them naked, or in a silly costume instead...

Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :

As part of my chronic depression, I used to cry at the drop of a hat about any little thing and then at big things, too. If I'm not taking my anti-depressant I will cry and cry and cry. When I do take my anti-depressant like I'm supposed to, all the sad and terrible things in life (animal cruelty, mass shootings, 9-11, etc.) still affect me but very distantly. In a way I feel guilty that some things just don't make me feel as bad as they make others feel but crying and crying about things wasn't exactly helping either.

Might you have depression?

Posted by Theophania (# 16647) on :

Thank you all!

Yes, several of you are quite right, I do have depression - adequately controlled with various things including medication.

However, having reasons including that one do not help when I burst into tears at work. It is the physical waterworks that I've got to stop: having an excuse is no excuse, as it were.

Thank you for all the suggestions - I'm horrified by the dog poo one but I shall try it out! It is a genius idea!

Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :

It is possible it is not as controlled as it could be ?

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :

I'm another weepy person. I'm sick of crying in public. It's hard when your mind won't stop racing and you have nothing to distract yourself from it - as when I'm at work, where my work is largely in isolation, or when I'm commuting to and from work. I'm so sick of crying while walking down the street or sitting on the train. How on earth can you make that stop?

Maybe I'll ask my therapist about that. I see her on Wednesday. If she has any good ideas, I'll bring them back here!

quote:
Originally posted by anoesis:
I was told by my daughter's teacher last year (she is very tearful), that if you get a child to look up at the ceiling and maintain that position they are physically unable to sob. She had interesting stuff on the classroom ceiling for this purpose. I don't know whether or not it works, I haven't tried - it could be an old wives' tale, but on the other hand, if anyone knows these tricks, it will be teachers.

Interesting! I've always found I instinctively look up when I'm trying not to cry or to stop crying. It does help, although I'm not sure if the "physically unable" bit is just meant to apply to children, because I don't think it's true of adults, anyway. I'm sure I've sobbed while looking up.

It might look weird in some grown-up situations, though, especially in an office. I'm lucky in that my job, which gives me plenty of reason to cry quite frequently, has me in a gothic-style cathedral where, although the ceiling's unfinished, it's not unusual for people to look up!

Trigger warning:

quote:
Originally posted by Graven Image:
I have found that biting the inside of my cheek or pinching my leg or arm helps. Seems the pain gets the brains attention and turns off the water works.

Alas, I've used tricks like that too, but more intense. It's the basic principle behind self-injury. Your relatively healthy version, though, helps me feel less crazy for feeling comforted by a good-size bruise. I think stuff like that runs on a continuum from normal to unhealthy, is what I'm saying. When you think your behavior is something completely cut off from normal human behavior, it feels very shameful and crazy.

Posted by Doublethink (# 1984) on :

Self-injury is addictive, owing to the metabolic reaction - if at all possible try to find an alternative.

Some people find using an accupressure point helps.

Posted by no prophet (# 15560) on :

Exercise also helps, triggers the same endorphin reaction. I would talk to someone professional or clergy or some who could direct you to the right sort of help.

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