Ship of Fools: Musical jokes

Thread: Musical jokes Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

Here's an old chestnut:

What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?

(rimshot)

A pizza can feed a family of four!

Surely you can do better...

Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :

I thought this was going to be a thread about jokes made *with* music, not jokes *about* music... but nevermind.

Q: If you throw a five-string banjo and a seven-string banjo off a cliff, which will hit the ground first?

A: Who cares?

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

Q. How can you tell when ther's a drummer at your door?
A. The knocking speeds up.

Q. How can you tell when there's a bass player at your door?
A. She doesn't know when to come in.

Q. How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.

Q. How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. They steal someone elses light.

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

I think we'll be able to insult all musicians and violinists with this thread [Smile]

Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on :

Why don't viola players get hemorrhoids?

Because all the arseholes are in the first violin section.

Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on :

Double posting to add that when the joke above was published in The Strad magazine years & years ago, the flurry of "Dear sir..." letters in the letters page, stretching over several issues, was quite entertaining...

Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :

How many viola playes does it take to wallpaper a room?

Three, if you slice them really thinly.

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :

Not a joke, but have you noticed the 'B' rule? All instruments beginning with 'B' are nasty:

- banjo
- bassoon
- bagpipes
- bodhran

Any exceptions? Additions perhaps??

It looks like the rule about countries that begin with 'I' being trouble.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

Yeah, I read " Musical jokes" and thought "Bolero".

[Biased]

Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on :

or Harold in Italy - the longest ever viola joke? [Biased]

Posted by sonata3 (# 13653) on :

How does a soprano sing a major scale, in solfeggio? "Do, re, mi, me, me, me, me, me."

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower.

An opera company was doing a major world premiere. The conductor suffered a heart attack during the final dress rehearsal, and the company was desperate to find a replacement, or lose quite a bit of money. The Asst. Principal Viola announced that he had been studying the score, and was confident he could conduct the opening night performance. The company management agreed, and he was a stunning success - front page reviews in the NYT, picture on the cover of TIME - publicity everywhere. When the run of the new work was over, and the violist returned to the pit for the company's next production, his stand partner asked, "Hey, Mike - where ya been the last few weeks?"

Posted by iamchristianhearmeroar (# 15483) on :

As a violist I know most of the jokes at my own expense. I think my favourite is one of the weirdest:

Why is the German for viola "Bratsche"?
Because that's the noise it makes when you sit on one.

Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :

Sioni Sais:

quote:
All instruments beginning with 'B' are nasty... Additions perhaps??

Bombard. Best heard from a distance, and the further away the better.

Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :

An A, a C and an E walk into a bar. The barman says, "I'm sorry, I don't serve minors." So, the C leaves and the A and the E have an open fifth between them.

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :

Q. What's the difference between an organist and a terrorist?

A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Posted by Wm Dewy (# 16712) on :

Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Classical Greek?

A: Some conductors can read Classical Greek.

Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :

Q. What's made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

A. Trombones.

Q. How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. One to stand on a chair, and twelve to stand around her and mutter "she can't get that high".

Posted by Ricardus (# 8757) on :

One night there was a massive row in the green room between a flautist and a viola player. Eventually the conductor separated them and demanded to know what had happened.

"It's not fair," said the viola player, "He's de-tuned one of my strings and he won't tell me which!"

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

My wife just told me this one.

How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,1...5,1...5,1

Posted by Darllenwr (# 14520) on :

Q. What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

A. It is conventional to take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

You do know the story about Sir Thomas Beecham contemplating a gravestone which read, "Here lies buried a great organist and a fine musician"?

Sir Thomas was heard to mutter, "How did they manage to fit two of them in there?"

(He apparently didn't much like the organ).

Posted by St. Gwladys (# 14504) on :

What's the difference between an organist and an onion?
It makes you cry when you stick a knife into an onion.
(This, and the terrorist joke above were told to us by a vicar who had problems with his organist)

Posted by Fr Weber (# 13472) on :

What's the difference between a dressmaker and a Baroque trumpeter?

The dressmaker tucks up frills.

****************************

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.

Posted by Fr Weber (# 13472) on :

Also :

Q. How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
A. Put a chart in front of him.

Q. What do you call a bass player who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :

quote:
Fr Weber: What's the difference between a dressmaker and a Baroque trumpeter?

I'm a trumpet player. I love this one.

Posted by Qoheleth. (# 9265) on :

Definition of an alto: A soprano who can read music.

<ducks>

Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :

Definition of an amateur string quartet: One good violinist, one bad violinist, one ex-violinist, and one person who hates all violinists, who get together once a week to complain about composers.

Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :

quote:
Sir Kevin: How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,1...5,1...5,1

I don't get it.

Posted by Spike (# 36) on :

Q. How can you tell you have a soprano at the door?

A. She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Earwig:
Q. How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. One to stand on a chair, and twelve to stand around her and mutter "she can't get that high".

Or: A. One. She holds the bulb still and the world revolves around her.

Posted by Wm Dewy (# 16712) on :

quote:
Originally posted by St. Gwladys:
What's the difference between an organist and an onion?
It makes you cry when you stick a knife into an onion.

If Paul and Silas had an organist, they would have died in prison.

Posted by AmyBo (# 15040) on :

quote:
Originally posted by balaam:
Q. How can you tell when ther's a drummer at your door?
A. The knocking speeds up.

Q. How do you get the drummer to go away?
A. Pay for the pizza.

Q. What's it called when you throw an accordion in the dumpster and it lands on a banjo?
A. Perfect pitch.

My personal favorite:
Q. How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 11, one to change a bulb and 10 to bitch that it's electric.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:

quote:
Sir Kevin: How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb? 5,1...5,1...5,1
I don't get it.

(I believe he is playing changes.)

Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :

quote:
Kelly Alves: (I believe he is playing changes.)

Aargh, yes! I would have understood it sooner if it were Roman numerals.

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Spike:
Q. How can you tell you have a soprano at the door?

A. She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in

My wife says "Oh no! That's a viola joke!"

For those of you who don't know her, my wife who is Zeke on the ship, is a classically-trained former amateur opera singer with a range of nearly four octaves. She sang Dorabella in a community production of "Cosi fan Tutte" directed by a former Metropolitan Opera soprano and her husband who went on to work for our local opera company and eventually they formed their own which did two productions a year for several seasons. Z could sustain a high E-flat and hit the F-sharp in the famous aria sung by the Queen of the Night in "Die Zauberflote" aka "The Magic Flute". She gives the following disclaimer: The older you get, the better you were! It really is true though according to her. She currently sings in three amateur choirs but no longer teaches school music.

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

So you know any musical jokes?
Well, there's our keyboard player.

What do you call someone with no talent who hang around with bands?
A drummer.

How do you confuse a guitarist?
Pretty much anyhow.

What do you call a saxophonist with a Porche?
A bad dream.

Posted by Alex Cockell (# 7487) on :

One of the other soundmen at church told me he had a soft spot for panpipes... in the middle of the Thames...

Posted by Stercus Tauri (# 16668) on :

OK - can somebody make a joke about handbells, please? Is it possible? I can't stand them and I can't think of anything funny about them at all. When archaeologists start digging them up a few centuries from now they'll be completely baffled. They probably won't even identify them as musical instruments.

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Qoheleth.:
Definition of an alto: A soprano who can read music.

<ducks>

I resemble that joke.

Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :

A 12-string guitarist spends 90% of his time tuning and 10% playing out of tune...

(There are versions of that joke going back 600 years, about lutenists and harpists.)

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

Bongo drums remind me of children.

They're slightly annoying, rich people bring them back from Africa, and if you beat them in public then people get angry.

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Stercus Tauri:
OK - can somebody make a joke about handbells, please? Is it possible? I can't stand them and I can't think of anything funny about them at all. When archaeologists start digging them up a few centuries from now they'll be completely baffled. They probably won't even identify them as musical instruments.

I went to hear handbells recently.

I just wished they would pick one they liked, and answer the doorbell.

Posted by Morgan (# 15372) on :

The practice in the monastery early each day was for the Abbot to chant "Morning", and the monks would chant in reply, "Morning." One monk became bored with this and one morning when the Abbot chanted "Morning", his reply amongst the other chants of "morning" was "evening". The shocked Abbot looked across the gathered faces and chanted "Someone chanted evening!" (To tune of "Some Enchanted Evening").

Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :

Exasperated choir director: Tenors, when am I going to get that F in tune?

Exasperated tenors: As soon as we get the "F in" beat!

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :

Was he rehearsing F in Darke at the time? [Big Grin]

Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :

Andrew Lloyd Webber (although some would say its no joke...)

Posted by St. Gwladys (# 14504) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Timothy the Obscure:
A 12-string guitarist spends 90% of his time tuning and 10% playing out of tune...

(There are versions of that joke going back 600 years, about lutenists and harpists.)

The first time I heard that joke was at a Julian Bream concert

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

Posted by no prophet (# 15560) on :

This was featured last night on Randy Bachman's* radio show Vinyl Tap on CBC.

Really bad recorder version: My Heart Will Go On I laughed myself silly.

*Randy Bachman of the bands: The Guess Who and Bachman-Turner Overdrive. A Winnipeg boy.

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

Speaking of videos, ya gotta check out the "Pachebel Rant". (beware at work-a few mild cuss words thrown).

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

I didn't laugh; I guess the last two posts weren't funny!

[Confused]

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

...or maybe you didn't follow the links.

...or maybe you have a different sense of humor than some of us.

ETA: You really didn't laugh when Rob compared being a little kid hauling around a cello to being a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti? Yikes! Really different sense of humor. [Confused]

[ 28. July 2014, 11:43: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]

Posted by lily pad (# 11456) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Speaking of videos, ya gotta check out the "Pachebel Rant". (beware at work-a few mild cuss words thrown).

I died laughing at this. I used to play bassoon and could totally relate.

I once was playing for a high school musical of "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown" and in one whole song played just one quarter note after sixty four bars of rest. (I played it alone and into a full rest for the rest for everyone else, which was cool, but otherwise it was a long piece.) There was no bassoon part for this play - I was playing the cello part!

Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :

quote:
Lyda*Rose: Speaking of videos, ya gotta check out the "Pachebel Rant". (beware at work-a few mild cuss words thrown).

I like the way the same joke was done by the Australian group Axis of Awesome.

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

I love it! [Big Grin]

Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?

Took him 45 minutes and had to break the window to get the drummer out...

------

How do you know the stage is level?

Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth...

Posted by Stercus Tauri (# 16668) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Stercus Tauri:
OK - can somebody make a joke about handbells, please? Is it possible? I can't stand them and I can't think of anything funny about them at all...

Somebody, somewhere, is on to me. I just received an e-mail from GIA Music headed, "Hymn Arrangements for Handbells".

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

Trombone: n - An ill wind that nobody blows good.

Posted by Figbash (# 9048) on :

Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: As many as you like; it'll never get done, because they'll all stand around arguing about how Callas would have done it.

Posted by Spike (# 36) on :

Q. What does a Soprano do when she gets up in the morning?

A. Gets dressed and goes home.

[ 29. July 2014, 05:57: Message edited by: Spike ]

Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :

Well, if we're on to videos now, how about this version of Carmina Burana?

(Warning to those at work: you may fall off your chair laughing - and it includes some inappropriate langugage)

[ 29. July 2014, 08:52: Message edited by: Jane R ]

Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :

What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.

Did you hear about the drummer who went to university?
No, me neither.

Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:

quote:
Originally posted by Stercus Tauri:
OK - can somebody make a joke about handbells, please? Is it possible? I can't stand them and I can't think of anything funny about them at all. When archaeologists start digging them up a few centuries from now they'll be completely baffled. They probably won't even identify them as musical instruments.
I went to hear handbells recently.

I just wished they would pick one they liked, and answer the doorbell.

Thank God! I'm not the only person who can't stand the damn things!

AG

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

[Roll Eyes]

>handbell director<
[Disappointed]

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
You really didn't laugh when Rob compared being a little kid hauling around a cello to being a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti? Yikes! Really different sense of humor.

I made a post about this in the last 36 hours, but it must have disappeared into the ether; I did tell Z how funny the
Pachelbel was...

Couldn't be arsed to watch the other one: I didn't think it would appeal to me!

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

quote:
Originally posted by LeRoc:
same joke was done by the Australian group Axis of Awesome.

See my post on Youtube: the bloke what said the late Mr. Hendrix is shite is full of it and he's just defecating on Jimi's grave! What is he smoking? I don't want any of that!

Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :

(I'm not sure what you're talking about. I don't think Hendrix is mentioned in the video I linked to. I like Hendrix [Help]

)

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

His name was mentioned by someone who is very surly and likely a bigot who somehow was allowed to state his execrable opinion on Youtube. I responded to the little rat bastard there...

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :

Enough of this tangent, thank you, Sir Kevin. If you want to rant, take it to Hell, otherwise keep the tone light on the Heaven board.

Ariel
Heaven Host.

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

Right then! Time for another joke! Who's got one then?

Mayhap a viola joke or one about some other musicians who aren't drummers or Sopranos as in our household....

Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :

What chord do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.

Posted by Kitten (# 1179) on :

'Mummy, Mummy, I want to be a drummer when I grow up.'

'But darling, you can't do both.'

Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :

What do you call 3 sets of bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?

A start.

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

A bagpipe is a bag, filled with hot air, and making a droning noise.

As is Alex Salmond.

Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :

True story: yesterday I was looking up the definition of "flout," which is "to show contempt for; scorn."

Then I looked at the derivation of the word: from Middle English flouten meaning "to play the flute."

There's a joke in there somewhere.

Posted by Panda (# 2951) on :

How do you make a trombonist's car go faster?

Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
A bagpipe is a bag, filled with hot air, and making a droning noise.

As is Alex Salmond.

Quotesfile, methinks.

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
Time for another joke! Who's got one then?

Mayhap a viola joke ....

Your wish is granted:

Q. What is the difference between a violin and a viola?

A. The viola burns longer.

Posted by georgiaboy (# 11294) on :

quote:
Originally posted by balaam:
Trombone: n - An ill wind that nobody blows good.

That's also the classic conservatory def. for 'Oboe'

Posted by John Holding (# 158) on :

Among all the old chestnuts I offer:

Definition of a perfect second: two piccolos playing in unison.

John

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like "two skeletons making love on a tin roof".

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

I like that!

Posted by Brother Worm (# 8680) on :

“Wagner's music is better than it sounds.” (Edgar Wilson Nye)

“Wagner is a composer who has beautiful moments but awful quarter hours.” (Gioacchino Rossini)

I went to this Indian restaurant and this waiter came up to me and said, "Curry OK?"
"I might do some of that, after I've finished this."

Three cheers for rap music: Hip Hop Hooray!

For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap.
Drum roll please.

I plug my guitar into all kinds of amplifiers. It's an eclectic guitar.

A dog sat watching the conductor of an orchestra.
He thought, “Just throw the flipping thing.”

Epitaph on the grave of a blues singer: “I didn’t wake up this morning …”

I’ve just bought myself a new alarm clock. I can set it to wake me up in the mornings by playing almost any tune or song I like. First time I used it I chose the hokey cokey song.
Big mistake! It took me half an hour to get out of bed.
“You put your right leg in, your right leg out, in, out, in, out, you shake it all about. You do the hokey cokey, and you turn around…”

Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Brother Worm:

Epitaph on the grave of a blues singer: “I didn’t wake up this morning …”

That gets a [Overused]

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :

Just off out to listen to jazz, so no better time for this old joke:

Q)What is Black and Brown and looks good on a saxophonist?
A)A Doberman

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

I tried to find this when ken was being memorialized but couldn't dig it out. It's not exactly a joke but it's definitely amusing:

quote:
And why do foolish people say Bach is emotionless or mathematical? He's a screaming world of stuff compared to Mozart's mild-mannered slightly snooty uber-cool not-quite-frivolity.
Mozart's music so often says "aren't I clever? Isn't the Kaiser a nice bloke? Aren't we all rather clever together for liking Me? Would anyone like to commission a quartet? What are you doing after the party? Oh, no-one goes there anymore Darling! Yes, tedious, isn't it?"
On the other hand Bach's music typically says: "Glory to God in the Highest! And Peace to his people on Earth! And Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive glory and honour and power! And isn't creation wonderful! And there is all this stuff going on in my head! Talking of which I've been up all night and could do with a coffee. No, make that a beer. In fact I want a double coffee AND a pint of lager. And shoot that bloody piano player. AND WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PAY ME YOU TIGHT SAXON BASTARDS????"
Trust me, its all in there somewhere. ~ken

Posted by ecumaniac (# 376) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like "two skeletons making love on a tin roof".

In a hailstorm

Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :

Sir Thomas Beecham described Sir John Barbirolli as "a sort of musical Malcolm Sargent"

Posted by Metapelagius (# 9453) on :

quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
Sir Thomas Beecham described Sir John Barbirolli as "a sort of musical Malcolm Sargent"

Not sure about 'Glorious John' but he is certainly supposed to have described Herbert von Karajan thus.

Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :

How about this for a musical joke:

Youtube

Cue UK shipmates of a certain age seeing horses.....

Posted by Alex Cockell (# 7487) on :

What use is a burning oboe?

Kindling for a bassoon fire.

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :

quote:
Originally posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger:
How about this for a musical joke:

Youtube

Cue UK shipmates of a certain age seeing horses.....

I'm definitely of A Certain Age - I didn't even need to click the link ... [Hot and Hormonal]

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

TRIPE!

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :

Host Hat

quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
TRIPE!

Sir Kevin, I would like to think that remark means you recognise the skill with which Mozart is parodying a bad composer. But it sounds more like you being rude and dismissive of what other posters find amusing.

So which is it?

Firenze
/Host Hat

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

i guess it's the former, though I have been riding for over 50 years as well as riding well and I didn't hear any horses in the piece! Not a neigh, not a whinny....

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :

In the UK we hear horses because it was the intro music for the Horse of the Year Show.

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :

Aaaaah! Oh, I see...

Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :

...and we all sing along to the Danse des mirlitons from The Nutcracker Suite (all together now: Everyone's a Fruit and Nut Case )

Advertising has a lot to answer for...

Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :

... doing our best Frank Muir imitations.

I have an organ transcription of the Danse des mirlitons which I sometimes wheel out for non-serious Christmas occasions.

Posted by jbohn (# 8753) on :

How many lead vocalists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one - he just holds it up, and the whole damned world revolves around him...

-----

What does a 12-string guitar sound like in tune?

No one knows...

[ 05. August 2014, 04:56: Message edited by: jbohn ]

Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :

No-one's yet mentioned the story about the rehearsal of Aida?

Sir Thomas Beecham was conducting. This was a large-scale version of the opera, with the Egyptian army being... um, armed... with elephants.

During the rehearsal, one of the elephants decided it needed to do a poo. A very large poo. On stage.

"No stage manners, ladies and gentleman", Beecham said to his human performers, "but what a critic!"

Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on :

A quartet realise at rehearsal that they're missing their viola player. They ring around for a bit, and one of their friends tells them they saw him in his car driving in the direction of Beachy Head, so they all pile into a car and shoot off there as quickly as they can.

As they trudge up the hill, they see their errant violist, along with a huge pile of something-or-other which, as they get closer, they realise is a mound of tambourines. Getting closer still, they realise that he's frantically grabbing tambourines from the heap and flinging them off the cliff into the sea.

Just as they're reaching him, the viola player notices them approaching and looks relieved,
"Quick, help me, there isn't much time - we need to throw all these banjo eggs into the sea before they hatch".

[ 06. August 2014, 11:14: Message edited by: luvanddaisies ]

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :

I'm glad Orfeo mentioned Sir Thomas Beecham - it gives me an excuse to tell a Beecham story that's always made me chuckle.

He was having a piano rehearsal with a particularly awkward and, shall we say, generously-proportioned soprano, who was becoming more and more histrionic. Eventually she expressed her frustration by sitting down heavily on the keyboard.

There was a long pause, and Beecham said, "Gad, three-and-a-half octaves!"

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

I've heard many Thomas Beecham stories, but not that one!!

There is a story told by the accompanist Gerald Moore about one of his colleagues, playing for a lieder singer who found it difficult to keep on pitch:

"Madam, I've played for you on the white notes and I've played for you on the black notes, but I cannot play for you in the cracks!"

[ 07. August 2014, 06:15: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :

I got this Sir Thomas Beecham quote off WikiQuotes:

quote:
"Here are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn’t give a damn what goes on in between."

Posted by georgiaboy (# 11294) on :

Not Beecham but Sir Alexander Gibson, in a dress rehearsal of the Nile Scene from 'Aida.'

Addressing the off-stage chorus of priests, 'Gentlemen, you are so behind the beat that you are still in the previous act.'

True story -- I was there and heard him.

Posted by piglet (# 11803) on :

A conductor friend used to say (of a piece we were having difficulty with): "We'll now go from the top - see you at the end".

Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :

quote:
piglet: A conductor friend used to say (of a piece we were having difficulty with): "We'll now go from the top - see you at the end".

I like it! I'll definitely use it the next time I'm conducting [Smile]

Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :

My college music teacher told me about a conductor he'd encountered who would conduct 5/4 time like this:

1 (downswing of baton)
2 (swing right)
3 (swing left)
4 (swing right)
5 (swing left)
*upswing and intake of breath*
1 (downswing)...

...and so on

Posted by Timothy the Obscure (# 292) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
I got this Sir Thomas Beecham quote off WikiQuotes:
quote:
"Here are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn’t give a damn what goes on in between."

A guy I used to know, who was a very good amateur violinist, wrote a humorous piece about amateur string quartets: "Meet You at the Fermata."

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

For some reason I scanned that the same way you would"Midnight at the Oasis."

Posted by The5thMary (# 12953) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
A bagpipe is a bag, filled with hot air, and making a droning noise.

As is Alex Salmond.

Or Rush Limbaugh. Or Ann Coulter. Or Mitt Romney. Or...yeah, I'll stop now! [Big Grin]

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

quote:
Originally posted by The5thMary:

quote:
Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
A bagpipe is a bag, filled with hot air, and making a droning noise.

As is Alex Salmond.
Or Rush Limbaugh. Or Ann Coulter. Or Mitt Romney. Or...yeah, I'll stop now!

It could have put any politician. I should have put something about Scotland in there. Then it would be perfect.

A bagpipe is a bag, filled with hot air, and making a droning noise. It is often heard in Scotland.

As is Alex Salmond.

Of course it is never the same a second time.

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