Thread: What would YOU tell them? Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
As mentioned elsewhere on these boards, the Former Miss S and SiL are expecting their first child - and our first grandchild - in December.

This is a much-wanted baby, they have friends with small/very small children, they have been preparing since before conception - but they realise they don't know what to expect!

If I could phrase it properly, I think I'd warn SiL that he will - albeit temporarily - no longer be the most important person in the world to FMissS.

What words of wisdom would you share with your beloved children?

Mrs. S, who would really like to know [Confused]
 
Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
That the exhaustion WILL pass and normal life will eventually resume!

The exhaustion of baby care is like no other on Earth - nobody can prepare you for it, but reassurance that it isn't permanent helps!

[Smile]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
There will always be something worth remembering with a smile, even on the longest and most tiring day.
 
Posted by Moo (# 107) on :
 
Here (scroll down to 'mundus et enfans') is an amusing poem about what a newborn baby is like. You might show it to them.

Moo
 
Posted by Thyme (# 12360) on :
 
I'd wait till they are the thick of it and crying on your shoulder/asking for advice.

Before then it won't be heard or will be experienced as raining on their parade.
 
Posted by Thyme (# 12360) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
That the exhaustion WILL pass and normal life will eventually resume!
[Smile]

When, Boogie, when? It's been nearly 40 years [Two face]
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
That it's not a competition! It's so very tempting to compare your little one with others of the same age, but they all reach those little milestones at different times (whether that be first teeth, clapping, standing up, crawling, rolling, walking, saying a recognisable word, whatever). Don't be competitive parents - it's not attractive, and your child won't thank you for it!

Remember the phrase "this too will pass". Whatever it is you're worrying about, in normal circumstances give it a few weeks and you'll wonder what the fuss was about (plus it will have been replaced with something else to worry about).

If she's in the UK, the health visitor is there to help. Admittedly some are more helpful than others, but if you don't hear from them for ages the chances are it's because they think you're doing a good job and don't need them, rather than because they're not there for you any more. If you have questions or concerns and there isn't a routine visit coming up, phone and ask for help/advice - it's what they're (we're) there for!
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
That babies are expensive - but can't tell the difference between brand new sheets and hand-me-downs (same goes for clothes too). That small babies are portable so now is the time to do visiting, if asked.

To continue life in the evenings with the same level of noise as before baby - otherwise you end up with children who wake up at the drop of a hat, which can be tiresome.

That sometimes a stiff G-and-T can make you a better parent.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
...That sometimes a stiff G-and-T can make you a better parent.

Quotes file!
 
Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
I agree with L'organist. Soon, too soon, little Meghan will demand designer boots or the very latest [trendy toy here] or insist that nobody but the most utterly uncool would EVER wear this cheap and horrid garment that you are foisting off upon her. Whether the parents can afford [luxury here] is unimportant; the fact is that demands and pickiness will increase exponentially.

And thus the wise parent will, before this stage, be rigorously economical. You will contemplate those leopard-skin-patterned Calvin Klein motorcycle boots with more calm if you can reflect complacently on all those years you dressed little Meghan in hand-me-downs and yard-sale bargains. There are many many years in which they do not care what they wear at all; use them. And there are thousands of parents who do not know this, and are buying new expensive stuff for their kids. Then they sell these things at yard sales or church sales. Be there for them.
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
I should have added: once they're old enough to understand, start teaching them gratitude - I think 'counting one's blessings' is the old-fashioned term.

How to do it? Well, we approached it by making sure that night-time prayers started off with saying 'thank you' for the everyday things most people take for granted: a roof, food, people who loved us, friends. I know, I know, sounds very winsome and gut-churning, but I promise it can bear fruit: to this day my sons are, compared with their contemporaries, remarkably unmaterialistic.

One last: FORGET THE IRONING. When they're older they won't remember that they wore beautifully ironed clothes, but they'll be a seething ball of resentment that when it was sunny (which was every day during the summer, of course) you never took them to the beach/park/swimming* like everyone else but stayed in.

* delete as applicable.
 
Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
Thank you all (as ever!) for your kind advice - and they did ask! They know their lives are going to be changed beyond belief, but they aren't quite sure how/to what extent/how permanently, so I'm not worried about upsetting them [Big Grin]

Keep those bons mots coming, people!

Mrs. S - who has almost forgotten what it was REALLY, REALLY like [Eek!]
 
Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:


One last: FORGET THE IRONING. When they're older they won't remember that they wore beautifully ironed clothes, but they'll be a seething ball of resentment that when it was sunny (which was every day during the summer, of course) you never took them to the beach/park/swimming* like everyone else but stayed in.

* delete as applicable.

Not just the ironing. There are any number of things that were essential B.C. that just go by the board afterwards, and no one misses them. No one that matters anyway.
 
Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
Read to the tykes. Pre-natally is not too soon. Play them music. (I balanced a boom box on my knees while I was at my desk, and played Mozart to the baby pre-birth.) All this encourages brain development.
When they are born, start plying them with books. Not Ipads or computer screens, but books. There are squishy ones designed for infant hands. If you surround them with the written word, they teach themselves to read. My daughter taught herself to read before she was 4. It was either Sesame Street or the prenatal Mozart to blame.
The world needs more smart bookish kids.
 
Posted by Doublethink. (# 1984) on :
 
I have no children, but being around friends with small people I have had the opportunity to compare rearing styles - stuff I noticed that seemed good:


I am sure there's more ...

[ 06. July 2015, 19:14: Message edited by: Doublethink. ]
 
Posted by IngoB (# 8700) on :
 
Your home will smell in various unpleasant ways for a few years.

You will forage for sustenance like a hobo, "cleaning up" the food and drink from used dishes routinely.

You will learn to duck and weave all sorts of washed clothes and cloths hanging wherever there is any "dry space" left.

You will check the baby's breathing in a frightful panic.

You will spend lots of time sterilising things, while the baby keeps stuffing random objects into its mouth.

You will tell a hilarious anecdote involving shit.

You will be inanely pleased by pleased inanity, overjoyed by joy over nothing, inordinately fascinated by fascination with the ordinary, and quite generally lose your marbles in a good way.

You will survive, and may even live happily ever after.
 
Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Boogie:
That the exhaustion WILL pass and normal life will eventually resume!

The exhaustion of baby care is like no other on Earth - nobody can prepare you for it, but reassurance that it isn't permanent helps!

Yes, this.

Also, trust your instincts. You're probably right.

And don't stress too much about what to do. Do whatever seems sensible to you and works for you. There are all kinds of different ways to approach raising children, and the children mostly all turn out OK whatever you do.
 
Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Doublethink.:
People with small people, who return to work, tend to have baby detritus attached often mild baby puke markings - there must be a solution, packamac over your work gear in the mornings that doesn't come off until your in the car maybe ?

Just don't dress until you're actually ready to walk out of the door. No baby wants to snuggle up to a plastic mac.
 
Posted by Doublethink. (# 1984) on :
 
Dress and put a onesie over the top till your out the door ?
 
Posted by Og, King of Bashan (# 9562) on :
 
Specific early on advice: don't get so used to waking up every four hours that you miss the possibility that the baby could be going longer without a feeding. We were getting up with every lip smack through about six weeks. My wife was about at the breaking point, and one night I decided to see what would happen if I waited a minute or so after the lip smack before getting up and getting a bottle. Turned out she was fine, and she's been sleeping through the night ever since.
 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
I have no children, but I remember my sister saying that if you're breast-feeding, things like chilli con carne have a rather more dramatic effect on the innards of Small Person than they do on you. [Eek!]
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
It's okay--in fact, it's positively laudable--to plop the baby in his crib/cot, shut the door, and go out on the front porch to cool down when he's making you homicidal. Much, much preferable to shaken baby syndrome.

And you WILL wind up crying in the hall one night, while your little one wails even louder. It's a rite of passage.
 
Posted by Jane R (# 331) on :
 
If you had a natural birth (as opposed to a Caesarian), keep your knees together when getting in and out of the car until the wounds have healed. I really wish the midwives had told me that...

Take at least three changes of clothes for Baby on every outing. You might not need them, but better safe than sorry. Might be worth adding a change of clothes for you, too (I know someone with a very active 8-year-old who still does this, though nowadays she only takes one change of clothes for him as well; she reckons if he falls in the sea or whatever more than once he deserves to stay wet).

They tell you to feed the baby every three hours during the day, even if you have to wake the baby up to do it. This is important, but what they never tell you is how to wake a baby who is determined to stay asleep. "Make them uncomfortable" - well, we tried that. Tickling her feet usually worked, but I had to resort to picking her nose once (she gave me a VERY old-fashioned look and then started howling).

Try not to feel guilty if you find you can't breastfeed; it isn't your fault and your baby will survive. Babies are tougher than they look, or none of us would be here.
 
Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Avoid commercial baby food like the plague: its hideously expensive and far too sweet; instead buy a mouli julienne, then you just put everything you have for dinner through it for the small person.

If you really have to get on with some wo*k at home and they need entertainment, stick them in front of the washing machine with Radio 4 playing: the laundry going round will enthral and the radio will help enrich vocabulary.

Free entertainment at crawling stage: local cricket.

If you live near a beach use it - even in the winter, wearing a snow-suit, they'll be enthralled and the lack of traffic makes a beach a safe space if you're single-handed.
 
Posted by JoannaP (# 4493) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jane R:
They tell you to feed the baby every three hours during the day, even if you have to wake the baby up to do it. This is important, but what they never tell you is how to wake a baby who is determined to stay asleep.

Apparently Dad perfected the art of feeding me (and changing me afterwards) without waking me up. [Biased]
 
Posted by iamchristianhearmeroar (# 15483) on :
 
Try to make time for your partner as well as the baby. Of course your partner will be number two now the baby's come along, but the occasional reminder of what it felt like to be number one doesn't go amiss.

On the issue of number twos, top top tip is whether you're using cloth nappies or disposables use nappy wraps over the top. We've lost count of the number of times our friends with babies (not attired with nappy wraps) have had to do a full clothes change because of poo-splosions. In over two years we've only had to do a couple of full clothes changes - nappy wraps saved the clothes on many other occasions!
 
Posted by Doublethink. (# 1984) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:
Avoid commercial baby food like the plague: its hideously expensive and far too sweet; instead buy a mouli julienne, then you just put everything you have for dinner through it for the small person.

If you really have to get on with some wo*k at home and they need entertainment, stick them in front of the washing machine with Radio 4 playing: the laundry going round will enthral and the radio will help enrich vocabulary.

Free entertainment at crawling stage: local cricket.

If you live near a beach use it - even in the winter, wearing a snow-suit, they'll be enthralled and the lack of traffic makes a beach a safe space if you're single-handed.

Feeding your food to the baby, do watch the salt content.
 
Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
Here's a good one. All those modern conveniences? Disposeable nappies, plastic plates, ordering diapers on your mobile phone? They are for you. Later on you can be ecologically aware and recycle and never use throwaways. Now, in the moment of crisis, modern civilization is there for you. Use it, and worry about other stuff later.
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
Ignore the sanctimonious crap about breast feeding being best for baby. I breast fed because it was best for me:

a) bottle feeding involves holding the baby in one arm and the bottle in the other. Breast feeding involves holding the baby in one arm and something more interesting (a book, magazine or bar of chocolate) in the other.

b) if you are going out, bottle feeding involves organisation. Breast feeding doesn't.

c) bottle feeding is great if you're good at keeping household things clean and sterilising, but breast feeding is best if you just can't be arsed with that sort of thing.

d) fathers can't breast feed. Make sure they don't feel left out by letting them bond with the baby over the nappies.

If breast feeding doesn't work out, that's a shame, because you have to spend less time reading / more time sterilising, but that's it. It won't make any difference to the baby. A full tummy is a full tummy.


(My midwife told me that she'd recommend breast feeding to all mothers, but particularly to me because (and I quote) "you'll pass on all your immunities to the baby and, judging by the state of your kitchen floor, I'd guess you've built up a pretty interesting range of immunities.") [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Pomona (# 17175) on :
 
White noise apps or Spotify playlists save on the electricity needed to run the washing machine to keep baby happy!
 
Posted by mark_in_manchester (# 15978) on :
 
#1 If you say you'll do something for / with / to your kid, do it, always. If it's discipline and you change your mind between specifying it and having to do it, do it anyway, this once, and then re-specify. Not doing it is making you feel better, not your kid - wise up.

#2 Remember that creativity often arises from being sufficiently bored to force oneself into it. Make sure your kid has the chance to get bored, but ensure loo roll centres and sellotape are generally available.

#3 Make your time, ears and enthusiasm more a part of their life than your money.


OK, my oldest is 10 and I really don't know if #3 is going to continue to work. If it doesn't - well, I want to go down trying.
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mark_in_manchester:


#3 Make your time, ears and enthusiasm more a part of their life than your money.

OK, my oldest is 10 and I really don't know if #3 is going to continue to work. If it doesn't - well, I want to go down trying.

Our time, ears and rolling their eyes at, and being sarcastic about, our enthusiasm were more a part of our teens' lives than our money.

I'm not sure if that's reassuring, Mark?
 
Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by The Intrepid Mrs S:
This is a much-wanted baby, they have friends with small/very small children, they have been preparing since before conception - but they realise they don't know what to expect!

I don't have children of my own, but from observation and from life in a household with a baby and toddler:

Expect the unexpected. Every baby is different and none of them have read any manuals, so don't expect them to live up to it. Get to know your kid, and enjoy the process. Prepare to be disconcerted when your own personality traits are reflected back at you. Switch off comparisons with other parents whose infant prodigies are walking, speak 3 languages and can play the piano at 3 months old. Your kid is not their kid.

Their tiny joys and woes can knock yours into the shade. Children can be self-centred little animals who can drive you to distraction, but sometimes their tiny, unexpected gestures of kindness will utterly melt you right out of a bad mood/despair/a bad day.

Always keep small promises. For small people, small promises can sometimes be quite big ones. Plan small surprises, ditto.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
During the first year of parenthood, put everything else off. Buying a new house, car, changing jobs, getting a divorce [Eek!] , just cancel it for a year. Don't even bother with the dentist/hairdresser/what have you until a year is up. You have officially entered.... the Twilight Zone.
 
Posted by Zacchaeus (# 14454) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Sioni Sais:
quote:
Originally posted by L'organist:


One last: FORGET THE IRONING. When they're older they won't remember that they wore beautifully ironed clothes, but they'll be a seething ball of resentment that when it was sunny (which was every day during the summer, of course) you never took them to the beach/park/swimming* like everyone else but stayed in.

* delete as applicable.

Not just the ironing. There are any number of things that were essential B.C. that just go by the board afterwards, and no one misses them. No one that matters anyway.
as was told to me:- nobody ever got to the end of their life saying ' i wish i had done more housework'
 
Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
The other thing - and I don't think I need tell them this, because they know - teach the child to say 'please' and 'thank you'. I can still remember Master S's amazement at the doors these opened for him at toddler stage [Big Grin]

NEQ - roflmao at the state of your kitchen floor! (though not ON your kitchen floor, for obvious reasons)

Again, thank you all for your time and kind thoughts. I shall pass them ALL on.

Mrs. S, to whom it is All Coming Back with dreadful clarity
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
I can't speak for how the father might experience this, but from my experience as a mother, I was completely floored for a while by the change in my identity. I had degrees, a good job where I used my brain, had travelled and lived abroad, and was (I felt) a strong, capable and vaguely interesting person. And then all of a sudden after having the baby I'd get to the end of the day and would realise that I'd not even had a shower or cleaned my teeth, never mind done anything as advanced as a bit of washing up. I struggled with that for quite some time, until I got into a bit more of a routine. And even then, although I managed to get out to various baby groups (which were an absolute lifeline, even though they were mostly super-cheesy and not always my cup of tea), I still had to get my head round being seen first as The Elf Lass's mum, rather than as JtL. It wasn't exactly unexpected, but it really did throw me how powerful that feeling was - I felt really deskilled as a person for a while, and it wasn't nice.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Me too. And get used to being called "Mom" everywhere (do they do this to fathers?) instead your name. And woe betide you if you have any grey hair, when it becomes "Gramps" or "Grandma" instead!
 
Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
Me three - it infuriates me when the press label you, as in 'Grandmother wins millions on lottery, buys new slippers'. Is a grandmother the defining term for that person; is that all she is?

Mrs. S, preparing herself for a new label
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Be prepared to be judged on every parenting decision you make - just as complete strangers (and vague acquaintances) think it's ok to touch a pregnant woman's bump, so once the baby appears it's like everyone everywhere feels they have carte blanche to tell you exactly what you're doing wrong. [other mothers are the worst for this, but they're not the only ones] Whatever your choices re feeding/milk/nappies/sleep management/clothes/TV or not/activities/ways of managing your mental health/etc, someone will have a very strong opinion why it's wrong and feel completely justified in telling you what you should be doing instead (my most annoying one: some complete stranger coming up to me in the supermarket to tell me that my wide-awake baby should be in bed by this time - it was about 6.45pm).

As a rough rule of thumb, I found that if (either solicited or unsolicited) advice begins along the lines of "have you tried...?" or "we found X worked, maybe that will help" or somesuch, then it's worth at least listening to and considering. If however, it begins "You should...", the best reaction is probably to smile beneficently and indulgently, and then ignore it.
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
I think the textbook assertive response of:

I like doing the way I do it; how is that a problem for you?

might work well in this situation.
 
Posted by Beethoven (# 114) on :
 
Depending on her normal level of snark, the Former Miss S might want to think up some useful replies to the question that most annoyed me: 'Are you feeding her yourself?'. I always wanted to say 'no, I'm leaving that for the fairies' but never quite dared - and nor could I find a polite way of asking quite how that was the old biddy's business (and it always was old ladies asking in that ridiculously coy way). But yes, start getting used to the idea that total strangers will feel perfectly justified in asking all sorts of ridiculously intrusive questions, just because there's a bump or a small baby around. [Disappointed]
 
Posted by Viola (# 20) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jack the Lass:
I can't speak for how the father might experience this, but from my experience as a mother, I was completely floored for a while by the change in my identity. I had degrees, a good job where I used my brain, had travelled and lived abroad, and was (I felt) a strong, capable and vaguely interesting person. And then all of a sudden after having the baby I'd get to the end of the day and would realise that I'd not even had a shower or cleaned my teeth, never mind done anything as advanced as a bit of washing up. I struggled with that for quite some time, until I got into a bit more of a routine. And even then, although I managed to get out to various baby groups (which were an absolute lifeline, even though they were mostly super-cheesy and not always my cup of tea), I still had to get my head round being seen first as The Elf Lass's mum, rather than as JtL. It wasn't exactly unexpected, but it really did throw me how powerful that feeling was - I felt really deskilled as a person for a while, and it wasn't nice.

Ha! Yes! All of this! Also, try very hard not to feel guilty - not easy when the hormones are going bonkers already. Everyone will have an opinion on what you should be doing. Mothers who have had a breeze with breastfeeding will be full of advice if you're struggling. This stuff is only what worked for them. It might not work for you. We are very lucky to live in the 21st century, where we have alternatives if necessary.

A lot of the people who are around you to help and advise in the early days spend their whole lives dealing with small babies. They may have forgotten what it was like without children, and may not be much help with the aforementioned shock at your change of circumstance. This is why you need your antenatal class friends.

Also - you can mix & match 'parenting methods'. There are lots of 'mummy wars' if you mooch around the dark side of the internet (which you will whilst doing the 4am feed), but actually you can mix-feed, work part-time, use a sling and disposable nappies/ a buggy & washable nappies etc etc.

And one practical tip. Baby vests - that huge envelope opening at the head... it isn't because your baby has an enormous head, it's so that you can pull the vest DOWN when a poo-splosion happens, rather than pulling it up over the head and spreading the mess even further up. Revelation, that one - thank you to my most marvellous midwife.
 
Posted by mousethief (# 953) on :
 
Life is a series of stages or "seasons," none of which is permanent. Your season of being a young, no-child married couple is over and isn't coming back. Now you embark on a new season. This means you wont' get to do some things you used to do, and you will have a mountain of new responsibilities. But also of new pleasures and rewards.

But this season, too, is temporary. It will be replaced by another, in which the situation is different, the responsibilities and rewards are different, and you will miss the old season wistfully (this is why people bronze baby shoes).

Children have their own built-in timelines, and while they're always your children, their personalities and needs and desires and shape are constantly changing. When your babymaking is through and there are no longer pre-school children in the house, your life will look a lot different than it did just a short year earlier. A new season. Then before you know it they're all driving, or bringing home sweethearts, or married with children of their own. (Delete/add as appropriate.) All different seasons.

Relish each season as it comes. Sure there are wistful longings for the pleasures of bygone seasons. But they're not coming back. Relish your memories and your photos and videos, but not too much. Make sure you invest most of your energy in the season you're in.
 
Posted by no prophet's flag is set so... (# 15560) on :
 
If/when my children have kids, I will say 'call me anytime and I will babysit'. I hope I'm not too old to do that if/when they get around to it.
 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jack the Lass:
... complete strangers (and vague acquaintances) think it's ok to touch a pregnant woman's bump ...

Really??? [Eek!]

I have only once in my life touched a pregnant lady's bump; the lady in question was my sister and the invitation to touch said bump was more of a command ... [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Lothlorien (# 4927) on :
 
Lots of good advice here. Things have changed since my sons were babies, but I think I would say to do what works for you. Mine would not accept dummies or bottles, but if that helps you and your child lead a more settled life, then go ahead. Listen to you own ideas and don't be shamed because someone else is offended by your ways.
 
Posted by LeRoc (# 3216) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
quote:
Originally posted by Jack the Lass:
... complete strangers (and vague acquaintances) think it's ok to touch a pregnant woman's bump ...

Really??? [Eek!]
Oh yes. I'm obviously not in the right category to talk about this from experience, but I have a friend who was pregnant last year who was completely fed up by this.
 
Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
Once I took my infant to the grocery store. she lay in her infant carrier in the cart while I selected onions or something. I turned back to her and an elderly woman was feeling her little feet. "Just seeing if she's cold," the old lady said, and scurried away.
 
Posted by Lothlorien (# 4927) on :
 
I would consider this extremely rude and intrusive. And I am not sure what my reactions would be.
 
Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
quote:
Originally posted by Jack the Lass:
... complete strangers (and vague acquaintances) think it's ok to touch a pregnant woman's bump ...

Really???
Yes, really. Complete strangers would come up to Mrs C in the supermarket and rub her belly. Always women of a certain age.

(And in reply to Lamb Chopped, I am addressed as "Dad" routinely by shop assistants and the like when I take my kids shopping. Quite often, they look at the toddler, and ask her what Dad thinks.)
 
Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by mousethief:
...Relish each season as it comes. Sure there are wistful longings for the pleasures of bygone seasons. But they're not coming back. Relish your memories and your photos and videos, but not too much. Make sure you invest most of your energy in the season you're in.

This!

A friend put it another way by saying:

Enjoy whatever phase they're in, you can be sure there's a worse one just around the corner!
 
Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
The only person I remember daring to touch my bump was my boss's secretary, and even she stopped when I cartwheeled down the office corridor at 8 months pregnant. The two things were not unrelated.

I think I must have managed to cultivate a basilisk stare / horrified expression if anyone so much as dared to approach me to touch the bump. But I kept the bump very covered up and didn't get very big, which helped on that front, not so much travelling on the tube when I was only offered a seat twice, ever.

There is a family tradition of Paddington stares, we were all fans of the books, which might be worth cultivating.

As for advice: being tired makes morning sickness worse. I was sick for 6 months and I suspect it was because I was so tired and my body was telling me to slow down.
 
Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
Oh, now that's a separate thing -- getting them to give you a seat on the bus/train. Be remorseless in ousting that businessman or slouching teen; you are hugely pregnant and/or carrying an infant and you deserve a seat. Do not hesitate to say that you feel faint, or that the baby is going to spew, or that his diarrhea is really getting out of hand and you don't want brown fluids to drip on that teen's cell. Too soon, all too soon, the baby will be a tot, and all the passengers will glare at you.
 
Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Curiosity killed ...:
I think I must have managed to cultivate a basilisk stare / horrified expression if anyone so much as dared to approach me to touch the bump.

I worked in Edinburgh while I was pregnant, and each year for the entire month of August while the Festival was on I had plenty of practice developing a DILLIWAFFYS* stare, which came in very handy as the bump got bigger, so I didn't actually experience the bump-groping myself, fortunately. I heard plenty of stories from friends though of it happening, with complete strangers and vague acquaintances not even remotely considering it might be inappropriate or unwelcome.

*Do I Look Like I Want A Flyer For Your Show?
 
Posted by Lothlorien (# 4927) on :
 
My sons were born mid-70s. I did not experience this touching of the bump at all. I wonder who thought it was just fine to invade personal space like that. They would have had more than a glare from me.

However, this touching is something you should tell your daughter about.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Didn't have the bump touching though I know it happens a lot, but DID have a woman with a very loud voice and a young daughter decide to use me as a sex ed example while standing in line in a bookstore! I mean, can't you find a poster or something?
 
Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
I will warn her that Paddington's Hard Stare* may need to be deployed - though I must say, in the eighties when I was pregnant, no-one ever tried to touch my bump, enormous though it was [Eek!]

Mrs. S, cringing at the very thought!
 
Posted by Moo (# 107) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Lamb Chopped:
Didn't have the bump touching though I know it happens a lot, but DID have a woman with a very loud voice and a young daughter decide to use me as a sex ed example while standing in line in a bookstore! I mean, can't you find a poster or something?

I had a very pleasant experience with a woman from India whom I knew. She had her two young sons with her, and she said to them, "Auntie has a baby growing inside her. Isn't she lucky?" There was no one nearby to overhear this, and it made me feel great.

Moo
 
Posted by the famous rachel (# 1258) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Jack the Lass:
I can't speak for how the father might experience this, but from my experience as a mother, I was completely floored for a while by the change in my identity.

I really agree with this, and the rest of JtL's post.

If I knew the former Miss S well and if I felt she was struggling with this loss of identity and other challenges of new motherhood my first piece of advice would be telling her that lots of women feel like this, and it doesn't mean they are a mad or bad mother.

I might then tell her one of the few helpful things that anyone said to me during this period: you have to stop hoping things will get "back to normal", and instead go "forward to normal". Things have changed a lot, and the old "normal" is not coming back, but there will eventually be a new normal, and for most people that new normal whilst different is just as satisfying as the old one. It may take you a while to find it, but it will come.

This is basically the same advice as Mousethief's much more poetic comments about seasons which come and go. The thing I like about this particular phrasing though, is that it acknowledges the genuinely unsettling nature of the first few weeks with a new baby, and it doesn't imply even in the slightest that you should be enjoying it.

Hopefully, the former Miss S will enjoy every minute and won't need this advice! If it does turn out to be relevant, the other thing which helped me was making contact with a "Specialist Health Visitor in Infant Mental Health". That sounds odd, but what it turned out to mean in my case was a fortnightly visit from a very sensible, experienced health visitor, who helped me to ensure that the fact that I had a certain degree of post-natal depression did not prevent me from developing a close relationship with my son. This NHS service doesn't appear to be available everywhere, and I suspect I was only able to access it because of some particular issues in my past which made me apparently of slightly greater concern than other women suffering from low mood. Nonetheless, if the issue arises, it is worth enquiring about.

Sorry to put a dampener on things, but the fact that I felt isolated and as if I was the only person not coping with my new identity means that I feel it is important to be open about my experiences when the opportunity arises.

Best wishes,

Rachel.
 
Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
[Angel] Rachel

Thank you so much.
 
Posted by Beethoven (# 114) on :
 
Following on from what the famous rachel said, I'd add that if Miss S (or indeed the Mr-Miss-S) finds herself strugging at all, she should be willing to accept offers of help. I found this a really hard lesson to learn - pride means we always want to put a brave face on and show we can cope - but actually accepting my vulnerability meant that I learned to value other people in new ways, and they were able to demonstrate their care for me in ways that were truly helpful. This doesn't mean saying yes to everyone and everything, but not being afraid to accept offers that are genuinely helpful.
 
Posted by Ferijen (# 4719) on :
 
I would say investigate shared parental leave. Amazing to give my husband the chance to spend time with him. And returning to work when he was six months old was hard hard hard but it took about two hours to remember my identity which, as JtL points out, can get lost in a haze of maternity.
 
Posted by the famous rachel (# 1258) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Beethoven:
Following on from what the famous rachel said, I'd add that if Miss S (or indeed the Mr-Miss-S) finds herself strugging at all, she should be willing to accept offers of help. I found this a really hard lesson to learn - pride means we always want to put a brave face on and show we can cope - but actually accepting my vulnerability meant that I learned to value other people in new ways, and they were able to demonstrate their care for me in ways that were truly helpful. This doesn't mean saying yes to everyone and everything, but not being afraid to accept offers that are genuinely helpful.

I agree! I found it reasonably easy to accept practical help ("Yes -it would be lovely if you brought us over a casserole") but much more difficult to talk about how I was really feeling, find out if other Mums were feeling the same, and find a way to ask for and accept help on all of that. I'm still not sure I would find a way to ask for and accept help if I were in the same situation again to be honest.

All of that said... I'm now a very happy mum of an (I hope) equally happy four year old, which is evidence that however hard I found the early days, these things do indeed pass!

Best wishes,
Rachel.
 
Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
[tangent ON]

Crikey - it seems like five minutes since you announced the arrival of The Famous Baby on the new arrivals thread.

Doesn't time fly?

[/tangent OFF]
 
Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
I'm sure you wouldn't, Mrs S, because you sound lovely, but on the subject of being overwhelmed - one thing just about tipped me over the edge in the first month and it was Thank You letters.

I took me a while to make my mother a grandmother. For many years before I had my first, Mum had been sending "Congratulations" cards to other people's children, and she'd always picked up a little something at the supermarket - a two-pack of socks, or a bib, nothing expensive, to go with the card.

When I had the North East Loon, everyone reciprocated! I ended up with 78 gifts, of which about 30 were two-packs of socks, and almost 30 were bibs. Some of them were from people I'd never heard of. Mum expected me to hand write a proper thank you letter for each one. Those 78 hand written letters just about did for me. Progress was slow, and Mum was getting increasing anxious as the days went on, and the thank you letters were just trickling out from the North East home. She kept regaling me with tales of other, better, new mothers who had received a two-pack of socks and whose thank you letter to my mother was posted by return.

Don't do this! Don't hassle a new mother with some huge task she hadn't expected. If the former Miss S is latchy with her thank you letters, or some other random task she hadn't anticipated, step back.

I really wish some Voice of Sanity had told me that failing to hand write 78 thank you letters within the first month did not mean that I was a failure.
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
On the thank you notes--if she was raised as I was, failure to send them (promptly!) will haunt her regardless of what anybody says. Which is why she might want to get the bloody things started now (meaning, buy stationery, prepare a list--hopefully for a third party to fill in), pull as many addresses together as possible of family and friends (useful for Christmas cards etc. later too!) and buy stamps. If she's either eager or paranoid, she can actually write most of the notes:

quote:
Dear [blank],

What a lovely [blank]! Thank you so much for your kindness to our baby. We will certainly remember you every time we use it.
Love, [Name]

This is going to horrify the purists in so many ways, but it's better than total failure, which is what I did. [Hot and Hormonal]
 
Posted by Doublethink. (# 1984) on :
 
Of course, Dad could write thankyou notes ....
 
Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Certainly. That's assuming you've been so lucky as to marry a civilized person.
 
Posted by The Intrepid Mrs S (# 17002) on :
 
gosh, I never thought of any of that! Miss S is normally very good at that sort of thing, and yes it is she who writes the thank-you letters (isn't it everywhere!) but I must see what I can do to help in terms of little thank-you cards, printed address labels (whaddya want, blood?) and stamps!

(I did warn her not to be many (any?) first-size things as that was what people would buy!)

Rachel and LC, that is all hugely useful and probably not what I would have thought to tell them. Thank you all [Overused] (and thank you, NEQ, for your kind words [Hot and Hormonal] )

Mrs. S, flattered
 
Posted by the famous rachel (# 1258) on :
 
quote:
Originally posted by Piglet:
[tangent ON]

Crikey - it seems like five minutes since you announced the arrival of The Famous Baby on the new arrivals thread.

Doesn't time fly?

[/tangent OFF]

I know exactly what you mean. In about 6 weeks time, he will become The Famous Schoolboy, which is frightening!

Rachel.
 


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