quote:

---

Originally posted by Sipech:
Dear upstairs neighbours

I think you have struck upon a wonderful idea. Hammering the skirting boards after 10pm and getting the vacuum cleaner out after 11pm is the the best way to instigate community discussions. Please do come down for a drink with me as soon as you've finished.

I guarantee I'll still be awake.

Regards,

The occupant of the ground floor flat

---

[Being serious for a moment: I did have some friends who lived in a Glasgow tenement flat. Next door was an elderly Minister who suffered from dementia. He frequently pulled out his bagpipes at 3 o'clock in the morning ...]
 

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Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
Dear Friends next door,

We love looking at the fine motor vehicle which now adorns our street. A bright red vintage fire engine certainly does add some much-needed visual interest to this somewhat mundane urban environment. The turntable ladder should certainly prove useful to you when you wish to clean your upstairs windows, too!

We naturally appreciate the difficulties that you must encounter in trying to find a suitable parking space for such a lengthy vehicle near to your home; indeed, we have often experienced similar difficulties ourselves with our own Smart Car.

I trust, however that you'll agree that it is not unreasonable for us to move your "magnificent monster" (if I may so call it) for those brief and, indeed, relatively infrequent moments when we wish to drive into, or out of, the garage which we are so fortunate to possess.

Perhaps we could meet for coffee and discuss times when you will find this to be practicable.

Best wishes, Disgruntled Motorist.
 

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Posted by Porridge (# 15405) on :
 
Most Esteemed Housemate,

Yes, indeed, I did agree to live with dogs when I signed on to move in here. However, I was then laboring under the misapprehension that, like most dog owners, you'd have seen fit to housetrain the little buggers.

Imagine my surprise to discover that, instead, your cute little terriers pee and poop everywhere, turning the entire premises into an indoor dog toilet, while letting your small children use this same space as play area.

Now that you're planning to breed the bitch again for a litter of puppies to sell because you need the money, won't you surprised to discover that some person or persons unknown has drowned them all in that disgusting mudpit you call a duckpond rather than put up with the stench and mess they will create.

And I will be deducting $45 from my rent to cover the cost of the dog gate I've installed at the door of my suite.

Warmest regards,

Housemate
 

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Posted by Tubbs (# 440) on :
 
Dear Facebook Friend,

I apologies for cluttering up your social media feed with my opinions every so often. Particuarly as they are ones you don't share. I will, of course, stop doing that immediately.

Please continue to share endless pictures of cute kittens, game requests and memes from Britian First with me. I love them.

Alternatively, you could try familarising yourself with the helpful funcationality that social media provides to hide things you'd rather than not see. I have ...

Tubbs
 

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Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
Dear neighbour,

Please stop banging on our shared wall at all hours of the night. It's playing havoc with my guitar practice.

Yours,

Marvin.
 

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Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
Dear work colleague

Thank you so much for allowing me to share in your delicious lunch each day, by eating it at your desk, and spreading the delicious aroma across the office.

Every day.

Yours etc...
 

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Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Marvin

Dear Neighbor,

How I love getting irate calls from you first thing in the morning. It does my heart good to know you're up and at 'em so bright and early, doing a bit of yard work and all.

I understand that, being the only pet owners in the neighborhood I'm the first one suspected when things go wrong but seriously, I just feel certain somehow that my elderly, obese cat didn't go to all the trouble to cross the street to your house, enter your garage and eat your tomato plants. I am even more certain that my ten pound dachshund, who is still sleeping under the covers, and never leaves our fenced in back yard, is not responsible for the 6" high pile of dog poo you just ran over with your mower.

Yours in logic,
Twilight
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
If your cat had eaten the tomato plants, I think you'd have known it because you would likely have had One Dead Cat.
 

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Posted by Leaf (# 14169) on :
 
Dearest Neighbours,

It was so thoughtful of you to build a fire pit in the small space between your residence and ours! Otherwise, how would we have been able to enjoy the copious smoke produced by the seemingly endless supply of green wood you are able to procure?

Fortunately, our kitchen window is located just near enough to take advantage of this feature. We appreciate the reliability with which, on any nice day when we'd wish to open the window for fresh air, you choose to set things alight.

Last year, when you dismantled your deck, you burned all that pressure-treated wood in the fire pit. We breathed in the fumes. Thank you. We admire your frugality and generosity.

It is also refreshing to see the devil-may-care attitude you adopt toward local by-laws concerning fire regulations. Power to the pyro-people!

Your neighbours,
The Leafs
 

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Posted by Arabella Purity Winterbottom (# 3434) on :
 
Dear neighbour,
I agree that Sister Act is one of the great gospel movies of the 20th century, and the music is very catchy. We were able to enjoy it too, but it was a great pity you didn't hear the phone call we made to let you know how much we were enjoying it.

I'm so sorry to hear that the noise control officer called in at 3am.

Yours, etc.
 

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Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
Dear lovely strangers,
It was such a pleasure to meet you when you set up space for your secular ministry at our church yesterday. (I do so apologize for not having advertised your function, I had been under the mistaken notion that you would be doing that! Oops!)

It was so very thoughtful of you to leave the outside door propped open so that church staff could enter the building unimpeded this morning. It will take no time at all to clean up the waste products left by our homeless neighbors.

Yours in Christian love,
jj
 

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Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
Dear Neighbours

It's that time of year again! I do hope you can enjoy yourself with a Eurovision party again, like last year, and I do hope that once again, you can turn your TV up so that the entire street can join in.

I enjoyed it so much, I am still humming the winning song from last year, which is not surprising as you did play it after the show, several times, all night. I think we got up to 20 times before we declined to count any more.

I am sure that this year you will also clear your bottles up at 6:00, which is very thoughtful of you, and saves there being any mess.

Yours...
 

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Posted by Doublethink. (# 1984) on :
 
I wish someone would invite me to a Eurovision party
 

---

Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Doublethink.:
I wish someone would invite me to a Eurovision party

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Arabella Purity Winterbottom:
Dear neighbour,
I agree that Sister Act is one of the great gospel movies of the 20th century, and the music is very catchy. We were able to enjoy it too, but it was a great pity you didn't hear the phone call we made to let you know how much we were enjoying it.

I'm so sorry to hear that the noise control officer called in at 3am.

Yours, etc.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Huia:
Dear Tradesperson removing asbestos from the next door property,

It was thoughtful of you to put up the yellow tape advising what you were doing, after all asbestos is dangerous isn't it? Then of course the house got a wee bit stuffy so you opened all the doors and windows to let it air out. How thoughtful of you.

Huia

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by no prophet's flag is set so...:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Huia:
Dear Tradesperson removing asbestos from the next door property,

It was thoughtful of you to put up the yellow tape advising what you were doing, after all asbestos is dangerous isn't it? Then of course the house got a wee bit stuffy so you opened all the doors and windows to let it air out. How thoughtful of you.

Huia

---

This would be a public health emergency call here, charges, fines and possibly jail. The building itself has to be sealed during removal.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Twilight:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Arabella Purity Winterbottom:
Dear neighbour,
I agree that Sister Act is one of the great gospel movies of the 20th century, and the music is very catchy. We were able to enjoy it too, but it was a great pity you didn't hear the phone call we made to let you know how much we were enjoying it.

I'm so sorry to hear that the noise control officer called in at 3am.

Yours, etc.

---

This is the funniest 3AM noise abuse ever. Next they'll be blasting those "Lark Rise to Candleford," DVD's.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Arabella Purity Winterbottom:
Extra information: the neighbour was stoned out of his skull at the time.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by passer:
DT - to be honest mate, just delete it if you feel that strongly about it. You know you can.

---

Engage Hellhost mode

No.

First of all, we are not inclined to fall into Thomas Covenant-like traps of using power just because it is there, at the urging of the person who has created the need for power. See also Jesus' temptation in the desert.

Secondly, we are not here to absolve you of responsibility for your own words by erasing all trace of them for you. This isn't about "feeling strongly" about what you wrote. This is about there being boundaries that Shipmates are expected to stay within. It's your responsibility, when posting, to consider whether what you are saying is acceptable. And there is plenty of precedent to tell you that accusations of certain forms of criminal behaviour are a sensitive area that Shipmates have repeatedly been warned away from.

orfeo
Hellhost
 

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Posted by Ferijen (# 4719) on :
 
Dear fellow cyclists,

Isn't it lovely that the councils (two, I believe, in this instance) have had the wisdom to label this decent, wide pavement running alongside a rather busy main road into a shared use pedestrian/cycle path? Particularly as there are rarely any pedestrians along it. It certainly encourages me to swap my car use for biking to work, and whilst some of our fitter and quicker colleagues still enjoy the main road at sillily-quick speeds, I'm happy to pootle along here at 10-15 mph without risking my life and limb to the crazy motorists who seem to think the speed limits are advisable.

How nice, then, that you identify that using a cycle path reduces the opportunity of close-run situations when drivers (see Karl's post above) get to exhibit their skills at driving within knocking-off distance of my bike. How lovely that you add that bit of interest into my cycle route by cycling along the middle of this lovely wide pavement, whilst not looking where you're going, ensuring you're totally oblivious to the fact you're about to run into me or pedestrians. Your use of headphones so that a warning shout or ring of a bell go unheard are useful too. It certainly adds a certain je ne sais quoi to my journey to realise that I seem to have as much - if not more - risk of being knocked from my bike from cyclists on the off road cycle route as I do on the half mile of derestricted main road I also use as part of my journey.

Thanks so much for keeping the adrenaline going, I'm sure it contributes to the improving speed of my cycle commute.



Ferijen
 

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Posted by Karl: Liberal Backslider (# 76) on :
 
Y'see, this is what I don't like about shared use paths. They encourage the sort of idiots who wouldn't last two minutes on the real road.
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Dear Council Highway Manager,

Thank you for your thoughtfulness in establishing shared use pathways alongside the road. It is a good idea to separate cyclists from both careless drivers (and I know this particular road has many of those exceeding the limits) and the pedestrians.

However, would it also be possible to ensure that the pedestrian section is wide enough for wheelchairs and baby buggies, and that it is not impeded by the attractive but overhanging front garden features of the neighbouring houses?
 

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Posted by Snags (# 15351) on :
 
Thank you, fellow church member, for organising the musicians for this week's service. Your enthusiasm for and dedication to ensuring the service is run appropriately to your needs is most gratifying, especially as organising the music is an extra burden you have gallantly and spontaneously taken on at what I know is a busy time.

When I told the other folk who had kindly volunteered that they had a week off, they were also very grateful; we all look forward to the service very much. I'm sure I will have no trouble filling in the coincidental additional gaps in the near future.

It's so good to know that we can all work together so well in order to glorify the Lord.

Yours in love,
 

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Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
To the driver behind me this morning.

I do appreciate the fact that you managed to stick the flaking paint back on my bumper by driving so close. However, there are a couple of issues I now have. Firstly, I need a new set of clothes, and secondly the car needs a complete valet. These are caused because, as you were repainting my car this morning, I shit myself.

Yours.
 

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Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Dear Uber,

I'm writing to let you know how much I enjoyed your self-justifying whinge after the tax office ruled that tax had to be paid on the service you provide, in exactly the same way that tax must be paid on a taxi ride, and that therefore tax must be collected as part of the fare.

You're right. What were they thinking? Of course you're not a taxi service! No, you just arrange for drivers to pick up passengers at a requested location and drive them to another location for money. It's completely different! I just can't understand how the federal government and every State/Territory government in the locations you operate has fallen into the same schoolboy error!

The publicity inspired me to look into your business model more closely. And boy was I impressed. You've signed up an army of drivers to break the law for you by operating unlicensed, while you yourselves don't technically do anything wrong... and then you can pass on the savings of having no regulatory compliance costs to your grateful customers!

But the best part is how you bail out your drivers when they're caught, inspiring loyalty. It's genius! I'm curious to know exactly which of the movie/TV tales about crime bosses who remain untouched while their minions take the rap was your template. There are so many to choose from, but of course they all display the same combination of getting rich while being a moral coward that you are employing so successfully now.

I look forward to seeing how you handle the unease in your workforce (oops! sorry, they're not a workforce are they? independent contractors whom you help out every time they get into legal trouble, but won't fix their car) if the punishments change from fines you can pay out of the vast hoards of cash you're making from illegal activities into convictions and permanent criminal records.

I'm sure you can think of something. I believe in the test case in Melbourne you're arguing that the nasty transport inspectors were guilty of entrapment by asking for a ride. Of course! The poor innocent driver was doing nothing wrong right up until the government downloaded your app onto his phone and sent him the message ordering him to pick up a passenger. He had no choice but to do so!

However, I regret to inform you that I will be unable to partake of your services. A combination of my ethical obligations as a legal practitioner, duties as a public servant, suspicion of deals that are too good to be true, general belief in the rule of law and heck, just having some kind of spine will sadly prevent me from assisting in your quest to combine a positive social media image with making ridiculous amounts of money from cutting legal corners, a combination most multinational organisations can only dream about.

Very Sincerely,

orfeo
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Dear Boss

How delighted we were to be gifted with a young, fresh-faced line manager, eagerly moving from his first job to one demanding so much more in the way of people and management skills.

It's so wonderful to have someone young enough to be my son sending the inspirational emails which leave us speechless in awe and amazement at your use of language. May I say with all due respect that the crushing put-downs you deliver at even the mildest expression of another point of view, demonstrate the exactitude with which you judge your interaction with us.

Of course, your thirteen years' experience trumps our no doubt outdated thirty years or more. Knowing how offensive you find it when we refer to events which happened in our lifetimes, but before you were born, we now stifle every reference to pre-1982. Walking on eggshells is an invigorating pleasure compared to the boring tranquillity we experienced under your considerably older predecessor.

It is an honour and a privilege to be the minions trodden beneath your feet in your onward march to greener and more glorious pastures. May your progress be made with all speed, is the prayer of your

Hopelessly devoted

Staff
 

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Posted by Anselmina (# 3032) on :
 
Going for a two birds with one stone.

Dear Jogger(s)
Recognizing your superior right to utilize pavement and road-space over and above the rest of us, I was delighted to have yet another opportunity to avoid seriously maiming and possibly killing you only recently. How right you are to ignore the movement of road traffic as you jog speedily along the footpath, turning quickly onto the pedestrian crossing and without slowing down or looking around you, zip across the road; quite rightly permitting no time at all for cars to decelerate safely, or even cotton on to what it was you were going to do. I myself - being less liberated than yourself and more blindly submissive to those ridiculous rules of highway travel - try to be more wary around crossings - 'just in case' - and tend to cover my brake, which is probably why you are currently still able to walk about without crutches. But it is so much more fun to have sprung upon me an athletic speeding pedestrian deciding to swap pathway for road, barely feet in front of my moving car, completely without warning. I really need that extra 'emergency brake' practice! And appreciate the rush of adrenaline my system receives having nearly run you over. And I apologise that for a brief moment of madness I was actually shocked and angry enough to think that there might have been some onus on your part to momentarily slow your pace and pause at the crossing, in the way we more stupid and less worthy people tend to do. I realize now the ordinary rules of road use, of course, do not apply in your extra-special case!

Please do continue, therefore, to jog across crossings and junctions as if you believe - as you must indeed believe - every motorist has a) noticed you and b) assumes and knows you are about to jump from the footpath into the path of their car, without the slightest indication that this is going to happen. I have no doubt this will prove entirely safe for you and completely satisfactory to motorists.
Yours
the driver in the hard metal box on wheels which no doubt will not at all damage your soft vulnerable body should it come into contact with it, even at a quickly reduced rate of mph.

And number two:

Dear roundabout drivers
please, I beg you, don't dream of using indicators. They are useless gratuitious decorations of which no right-minded vehicle driver should ever acknowledge the utility. Other drivers waiting to enter the roundabout - unlike you - really and truly have no serious purpose to their journey and are very happy indeed to wait patiently for you as drive round the island towards them, and then - without indicating, turn off onto an exit; thus foiling their own - precious and long-awaited - opportunity to get onto the roundabout. You are merely teaching them that their rights to safe and courteous use of the roads are - quite properly - secondary to yours. So once again, do not think for a moment of actually using the indicators that would communicate to others what it is you intend to do while moving at speed in traffic. This is completely unnecessary as everyone should know by now every route, change of journey and progression you make as you drive your car. There is no reason at all why it should benefit either other road-users or you to flag up that you are about to turn off the highway. Leaving it as a huge last-minute surprize is much more fun and not in any way likely to lead to accident or injury!
Your fellow - but obviously not equal in humanity - road-user.

<sigh> Enjoyed that!
 

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Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
Dear Enlightened One,

I realize that not everyone appreciates self-deprecatory humor and I didn't expect you to smile at my mild joke about myself being fat, it wasn't even intended for your hearing.

What I didn't expect was a long lecture about how negative I am, how sad it makes you to hear me be so cruel to myself. Did I not realize that by saying the word, "fat," I am asking the Universe to make me fat and my inner-self will only hear the word "fat," out of a long sentence about how my summer shorts fit and think I want to be fat. Now I've gone and attracted all that fat in my direction and some of it might hit you. I guess the Universe's aim is as bad as my inner-self's hearing.

I know now that it "breaks your heart," to be around such negativity, so, in future, I'll try to follow your example of announcing every celery stick eaten and every pound lost as though it deserves a standing ovation from everyone present, just as we all love hearing about your yoga class, your herb garden and the latest chapter from your audio book of The Secret.

I have to draw the line, though, about your suggested affirmations to improve my self-esteem. My self-esteem gets the giggles too easily.

Positively yours,
Twilight
 

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Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
@Anselmina:

/Tangent/: Your posts remind me of a (true) story of a friend of mine who went to the Minister of a Baptist Church in a rural town about 40 years ago. One day he was driving down the main street when a cyclist suddenly veered across the road and turned right sharply, without signalling, causing him to brake suddenly.

Recognising the errant cyclist as one of his flock, he decided to tackle her on the Sunday and tell her how dangerous she'd been. "Oh", she replied, "but everyone knows that I turn right on Thursdays!" Such is life in a small community ...

/Tangent ends/

[ 24. May 2015, 07:11: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]
 

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Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :
 
Seconding Anselmina's PA rant on the non use of indicators when curcum-navigating roundabouts. Oh yes, a real cause of under-the-breath expletives that one.

We're sitting there like good little peeps remembering our Highway code on indicator procedure, while many others seemed to have developed a hidden code, or telepathy which allows them to know what others are doing without use of indicators.

Oh, and Gawd bless the car manufacturers who designed front indictors which are impossible to see flashing in strong sunlight.

[ 24. May 2015, 09:12: Message edited by: rolyn ]
 

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Posted by Macrina (# 8807) on :
 
Dear Richard the North Melbourne Fan,

Yes I know Richard isn't your name but I consider it to be an appropriate honorific. It was so kind of you to come over to us and check we were watching the screen in the twenty screen sports bar. We were glad you took the time to show your clear derision for our choice of sport after establishing we did want to watch this screen.

After all we were selfish in choosing this one screen out of the twenty available. I understand that having a stiff neck can be awful so it's completely clear to me why you simply had to go over and get the one screen that would have shown our sport changed over to yours. I agree you are special and should be able to sit directly in front of this screen and not have to share you space with the commoners watching the same game on the two huge screens and several other small screens around the bar.

It was a wonderful night we spent sat on the floor at the far end of the bar after you forced us out our seats. It was a truly lovely end to my holiday, thanks Dick.

Yours faithfully

Macrina
 

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Posted by Kittyville (# 16106) on :
 
Such a terrible shame North Melbourne got absolutely walloped by the Dockers, too, eh Dick? I bet Macrina's gutted.
 

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Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :
 
Following the theme ... [from the posts before the previous two]

Dear Driver Behind Me,

I am glad you are blessed with the telepathic gifts to know that the car which entered the roundabout directly across from me was not turning right but going to take this exit, despite the use of the right indicator. Yes, I know that some people do appear to advocate the use of the right indicator as a means to signify that they're not turning left. Unfortunately, I admit that my limited mental capabilities are unable to distinguish between a right indicator meaning "turning right" and "not turning left".

I really appreciate your attempts to communicate that I could have moved onto the roundabout since that other car wasn't turning right. A loud toot on the horn does convey that message very well. I trust that if I had followed the intuition you had and moved onto the roundabout, but that intuition was wrong, that you would be as quick at communicating with the emergency services come and deal with the traumatised children in the back of my car and whatever injuries were sustained by the driver and any passengers in the other car.

Yours,

The Driver In Front Of You

[ 24. May 2015, 09:42: Message edited by: Alan Cresswell ]
 

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Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Twilight:
My self-esteem gets the giggles too easily.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Alan Cresswell:
Dear Driver Behind Me,

...Yes, I know that some people do appear to advocate the use of the right indicator as a means to signify that they're not turning left.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Doc Tor:
Damn... so quick, it burns.

---

quote:

---

Dear Girl Guide, Specialist Snowflake of the Universe,

Isn't nature wonderful? So many new sights and smells, so much time to spend enjoying the company of your absolute bestest besties to whom you would never say a single unkind word! I completely understand that mundane housekeeping chores should take a backseat to enhancing your wilderness experience and contemplating the harsh nature of reality while sitting on that rock just out of view, staring at a spot of muck a couple yards away.

I know that that muck spot is a new thing, while taking down your tent and cleaning up after yourself is something you've done before, and therefore don't need the additional experience. After all, you can throw things away at home; if you're to have a Full and Proper Wilderness experience, it's best to contemplate the muckspot while feeling the fresh breeze of an approaching front and fill your nostrils with the heady scent of rain.

Quite a strong scent, isn't it? Gonna be a bigun. Would soak your tent and gear if it was still outside—not to worry, we've got this. Your spiritual growth and insights gained from contemplating muck will be of great help in the future, I'm sure.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Twilight:
What I didn't expect was a long lecture about how negative I am, how sad it makes you to hear me be so cruel to myself. Did I not realize that by saying the word, "fat," I am asking the Universe to make me fat and my inner-self will only hear the word "fat," out of a long sentence about how my summer shorts fit and think I want to be fat. Now I've gone and attracted all that fat in my direction and some of it might hit you. I guess the Universe's aim is as bad as my inner-self's hearing.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Doc Tor:
I bow before the master. I shall now needlessly carry a cauldron of burning coals, using only my forearms.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Golden Key:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Doc Tor:
I bow before the master. I shall now needlessly carry a cauldron of burning coals, using only my forearms.

---

Grasshopper, is that you?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by orfeo:
... you all spend your lives going somewhere, yet never arriving.

---

They do arrive, but they can't find a parking-space.
 

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Posted by Enoch (# 14322) on :
 
Dear Chief Constable,

Thank you so much for sending your helicopter to hover over our houses in the middle of the night, and so often too.

Now that the friendly bobby no longer plods the beat, it's so reassuring to know that you are still watching over us for our welfare, that you really care for us. Particularly after what happened in Glasgow 18 months ago, it's also so encouraging to realise that you don't only send your team out when there are crimes being committed, that you are assiduous in keeping them trained in stationary night flight at low altitude over residential areas.

My children find it so inspirational to hear your heroes of the sky that doubtless when they are old enough to express themselves in words, rather than just cry at being woken up, they will be telling us that when they grow up, they will want to join the police too.
 

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Posted by la vie en rouge (# 10688) on :
 
Dear Management of the Building,

A thousand thank yous for all your sterling work on sorting out the air conditioning. Some might say it’s bit unnecessary for it to be turned on when it’s only 18° outside but not you. You are a visionary organisation! If this country’s going to go forward, someone needs to start contributing to the economy so well done on buying all that electricity from EDF. None of that old-fashioned opening the window for us! And this way we don’t get bored either. There’s endless entertainment to be had from pressing the buttons on the remote control and seeing what’s going to happen this time. I love surprises. Also the technician is very sweet and it’s always nice to get a visit from him and see the look of puzzlement on his little face when he doesn’t understand why the cold air is supposed to be turned off in our office but there’s still a frigorific blast coming out of the vent.

As for all the microbes that circulate through the system, I can’t thank you enough for helping me to develop a stronger immune system. Should the state of my sinuses result in getting signed off sick, it will be the next best thing to a holiday.

Lots of love
la vie en rouge xxx
 

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Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Piglet:

quote:

---

Originally posted by orfeo:
... you all spend your lives going somewhere, yet never arriving.

---

They do arrive, but they can't find a parking-space.

---

Seriously, you just made my night.

EDIT: Well, not just you. The next couple of posters as well. Excellent all round. I should get you some sort of reward. Chocolates? Do you all like chocolates?

WHY ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? I'M TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU DAMMIT! STOP QUIVERING!

[ 29. May 2015, 14:32: Message edited by: orfeo ]
 

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Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
I was going to post something about praying for a parking spot, but-t m-m-my hands-ss-s are shaking.g.g.g.g....
 

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Posted by Doublethink. (# 1984) on :
 
Dear Channel 5,

Lovely of you to take an interest in theology, your take on Revelations was really enhanced by intercutting between stock footage of nuclear war, staged scenes of the future and parts of a penioners nativity play.

I particularly enjoyed the reenactment of "the great disappointment" of the millerites - the care and expense you went to for those additional 5 extras was really worth.

Yours in the hope of more of your excellent religious programming,

DT

(Doc Tor stop stealing my initials)
 

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Posted by Doc Tor (# 9748) on :
 
Dear D,

I'm so incredibly sorry that your lack of education confuses the initials of your own name with mine. I shall make a donation to the Doc Tor Foundation for the Enlightenment of Drooling Idiots (or DTFEDI, as it is snappily known) in the hope of relieving your impairment.

Hellish regards,

DT
 

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Posted by Huia (# 3473) on :
 
Dear Radio NZ,

Thank-you so much for your hour long programme The Panel . Such depth of knowledge, and the sparkling wit and humour has to be heard to be believed. So different from those boring programmes where the people interviewed actually know something about the topic under discussion.

But on Friday you really outdid yourselves on the topic of the new programme for teaching sexuality in schools. One of your panellists reiterated several times that it's obvious there are two genders who are different from each other, so he didn't see what the fuss was about, while the other was a mate of someone on the team who designed the programme, and the mate was a good bloke.

I will be eagerly awaiting the next appearance of these two gentlemen discussing a wide range of topics.

And thank-you for giving me the opportunity to test the limits of my blood pressure medication - you are truly offering a public service.

Huia

[ 29. May 2015, 21:07: Message edited by: Huia ]
 

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Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Liopleurodon:
Twilight, this video was made for you. (nsfw - DT HH)

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quote:

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Originally posted by Porridge:
It's so refreshing to observe your . . . removing, one sock at a time, your dried clothing directly from the dryer

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quote:

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Originally posted by Porridge:
It's so refreshing to observe your cool dismissal of the many clean, available folding tables on the premises in favor of removing, one sock at a time, your dried clothing directly from the dryer, neatly folding or rolling each item and depositing it in your waiting laundry bag.

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Posted by Lucia (# 15201) on :
 
Dear Happy Revelers,

Thank you so much for sharing your joy with us this morning by clapping, singing and shouting in the street outside our open window at 5.00am. What a treat for us to be fully awake at such an hour to be able to enjoy the wonder of the dawn chorus! Indeed it was good of you to choose a Sunday morning, the one day of the week when we are in danger of sleeping right through without being woken by the rattling opening of metal shutters and clattering of the delivery men at the fast food place across the road. In fact you woke us a good hour earlier than they usually manage, bringing to mind the words of John the Baptist "He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me".

Yours
A keen early riser.
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Dear Neighbour (or more likely, neighbour's son). I do you hope you were enjoying the astronomical display of Jupiter and Venus setting in the west in the deep turquoise sky along with your ciggie. I know you take great care that your smoking does not fill your home with smoke. You may have noticed the sound of closing windows and door after a few minutes. That was because I was enjoying the display and taking pictures without the window glass in the way, but had to retreat behind it to keep out your smoke. I quite understand that mine is a niche activity, and your smoking is perfectly legal (I appreciate that the smell was normal cigarette smoke), and so trumps my enjoyment of the evening.
Your mother's ex-teacher.
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Penny S
 

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Posted by St. Gwladys (# 14504) on :
 
Dear concert organiser,
It was a wonderful idea having two major concerts in Cardiff on the same night. I mean, One Direction and The Manic Street Preachers! Wow! It was so kind of you to plan it so that there would only be one lot of disruption, not two. And the congestion and queues on all roads going anywhere near Cardiff gave fans an unrivalled oppportunity to appreciate the scenery, including that surrounding the motorway - it's so much easier to appreciate it at 5 miles per hour rather than 70mph.
Yours,etc...

(Lord P took 6 1/2 hours on a journey which normally takes 3 1/2)
 

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Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
Dear Lucy Frazer,

Parliamentary Maiden speeches can be rather dull, so I would like to congratulate you on your bold, some might say "brave" decision to hark back to the glory days when England was a Republic, ruling monarchs could be decapitated and anyone supporting the monarchy could be captured and either killed or sold into slavery.

Given your attitude to those fighting for Charles II to gain the united thrones of Scotland and England, I assume you bitterly regret the Restoration which has ultimately resulted in our present Queen. But ( a word to the wise) didn't you take an oath of loyalty to Her Majesty just a couple of weeks ago?

Perhaps you had your fingers crossed at the time.

Anyway, splendid speech!

Yours,

Interested historian.
 

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Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Dear Nick Jensen,

How exciting it was of you to put our little city on the map! Your achievement in saying something so breathtakingly stupid that it has made international headlines is to be applauded, as is your ability to cause a net increase in global mirth.

Your skill in maintaining two mutually exclusive "principles" (if I may use the term loosely) should not be underestimated. It is a rare person indeed who can fight so hard to prevent the civil recognition of same-sex relationships, and simultaneously declare that the civil recognition of his own relationship is valueless (because God's recognition is the important bit).

I'm curious to know if when you planned this, you in fact secretly knew that you don't meet the legal requirements for a divorce in this country, adding the delicious twist that the government appears to value your marriage more than you do? It's almost too good to be accidental.

I do hope you don't try to establish that you and your "wife" (to use a technical term) have been living apart for over 12 months and have no prospect of reconciliation. I think this is in truth a lesser option in your quest for a divorce. I think it would be far more rewarding for all of us if you argued that this legal requirement doesn't apply to you for some reason, and that the Government is violating your religious conscience by forcing you to remain lawfully wedded when you, as a God-fearing Christian, want to just peacefully live in sin in much the same way that thousands of couples you've traditionally looked down upon are able to.

Regards,

O.
 

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Posted by leo (# 1458) on :
 
What an idiot.

I wonder if he is related to the Jensen dynastry that run the diocese of Sydney.
 

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Posted by Zacchaeus (# 14454) on :
 
as if the rest of the world gives a damm about their little marital protest

[ 11. June 2015, 17:23: Message edited by: Zacchaeus ]
 

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Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Zacchaeus:
as if the rest of the world gives a damm about their little marital protest

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quote:

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Originally posted by orfeo:

quote:

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Originally posted by Zacchaeus:
as if the rest of the world gives a damm about their little marital protest

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So harsh. Of course we give a damn! A Divorce Party event has already been organised on Facebook!

I saw it after 2 hours. 1800 people had already signed up, though I suspect some of them aren't locals and wouldn't actually turn up on the night.

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quote:

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orfeo: Hey! He didn't choose to be a walking bundle of irresistible pheromones! It's just the way he was born!

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quote:

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Originally posted by LeRoc:

quote:

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orfeo: Hey! He didn't choose to be a walking bundle of irresistible pheromones! It's just the way he was born!

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It is a difficult lot, but some need to carry it.

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Aren't we lucky it's not us.
 

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Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Dear Newport Bus Company,

It's kind of you to indicate that a bus in "Not in Service" but why the "Sorry" prefix? How can a lump of metal, rubber, glass and plastic be sorry for anything?

Still, it's better than Stagecoach buses, which carry the all-too-cutesey "Sorry I'm Out of Service".
 

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Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Dear Sioni,

Do keep trying, you'll get the hang of this thread eventually!
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Dear Bus Stop Vigilante,

You are my hero. Today you stood up for every one of us who have suffered the sneering smirk of a self-satisfied municipal bus conductor who looked us straight in the eye as he shut the doors just as our noses came within striking distance. I have been there, and my heart swelled with pride when you jumped in the path of the bus and refused to move after suffering one too many insults. Hooray!

I do have to ask, however-- how does it serve justice to have your silly ass thrown in the back of a police cruiser?

It is my understanding that the local hoosegow serves particularly tasty soup. Judging from the hour of your departure, I am sure you were lucky enough to arrive just in time to sample it for dinner. Well done, and thank you for the afternoon floor show.

A Grateful Citizen

[ 13. June 2015, 03:31: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 

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Posted by Soror Magna (# 9881) on :
 
Dear Neighbour:

I am very impressed that you wear proper hearing protection while cutting tiles on your balcony. I wouldn't want you to damage your hearing at 6:30 am on a Sunday. I'm very glad I wasn't able to sleep through it; I think it's wonderful when neighbours get together and help each other out with these sorts of projects, even if it means giving up the one morning of the week I can sleep in. Everyone in the building is really looking forward to using your remodeled bathroom, since you generously included all of us in your project.

Love,

The other 56 households in your building

PS You'll want to get extra toilet paper
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Dear übermensch,*

i am sorry-- I keep forgetting that it is my primary function to support you, agree with you, cheer your successes, and to greet your ideas with awestruck joy. I keep forgetting and indulging in this silly, impetuous, feminine urge to offer ideas of my own. You have made it clear that such temerity is tiresome beyond words, and evidence of uppityness.

However, I applaud you graceful method of dealing with my rude insistance on inserting myself into conversations with Far More Important People-- by pretending I haven't said anything at all, waiting till a half hour or so has passed, and offering the exact same ideas as if nobody had said anything at all. That way, you can harvest whatever meager worth there might be from my silly ideas and use them to your benefit and prestige, without falling into the danger of reinforcing my terrible habit of articulating said ideas.

Big squishy hugs,

A Helpmeet.

* unfortunately, I have to call this one a form letter.
 

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Posted by Porridge (# 15405) on :
 
Most Estimable Housemates,

The serendipitous nature of life with you -- that blend of creativity, shock, and scrambling for alternatives that has proved such a stimulating spur to consuming spare time and money which I might otherwise selfishly spend on my own needs -- has offered such tremendous insights into our respective characters.

It's so charming of you to offer 2 hours' notice that my child-minding services are not required this evening, and may perhaps, possibly-but-not- definitely, though you-never-can-tell, be uncalled-upon for the rest of the summer, particularly after I just returned home having spent my own money on vegetables your children actually recognize and are known to enjoy (since there's never any way to predict what, if anything, might be inside your refrigerator for their dinner), and which, without access to your kitchen for preparing their and my meal, I now have no way to cook.

It's especially amusing when I recall the kitchen arrangements you offered in tempting me to move in here -- 6 days of full access to a modern, well-equipped kitchen in which I could make use of all my own equipment, so long as I allowed you to take it over on Sundays.

Imagine my delighted surprise on moving in to discover every possible kitchen cupboard and drawer and nook and cranny (to say nothing of every inch of counter space) fully occupied with your own kitchenware, and that you were preparing to serve meat-based meals 3 times a day, 7 days a week, to your vegetarian roomer, who now makes all her meals with a hot-water pot and a toaster oven in her bathroom! It has been such an interesting challenge to maintain some semblance of health on the resulting diet!

The fact that your lifestyle has now resulted in the trashing of all 4 dishwashers, 2 of the 3 ovens, and that all 3 sinks are constantly full to the brim of dirty dishes, garbage, trash, and occasionally maggots certainly adds pizzazz to the general devil-may-care approach you have toward life.

This constant element of surprise is certainly keeping me on my toes, which I'm sure is your friendly intent, and I just want you to know how much fun I find living with these constant re-arrangements.

Yours in surprise,

Your tenant

[ 16. June 2015, 21:38: Message edited by: Porridge ]
 

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Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Dear Blackhawks fans,

Congratulations on winning a thing. I gather you are very pleased about it. Though honestly with as many substances as you were already full of at 7am, I doubt some of you know what you are pleased about. Is that what the gear is about, to remind you what you're standing blocking in the middle of a busy crosswalk mooing about? Sorry about that aggressive jerk who elbowed you She was trying to catch a bus, and the light was about to change in that crosswalk you were blocking.

Congrats again,
Gwai

Dear Busdriver,

It must suck having your route changed on probably short notice because some sports people sportsed very well. Of course I guess you didn't know that your route had changed. Did you wonder why I stepped onto your northbound bus to ask you whether the southbound busses were still going down State street? Since you hadn't seen the insanity a few blocks south of you yet, my behavior may have seemed a bit odd. I'm guessing you were pretty confused since instead of answering you just drove away with me confusedly hanging on. I'm certainly glad you were rid of me so soon since you completely misinformed me on the route of your own bus! I do hope your passengers got to their destinations eventually.

Good luck,
Gwai
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Dear broadband/cableTV/telephone company. I do appreciate that you have a lot of work to do now that you have agreed to restore cable access to a neighbourhood where residents are forbidden to have aerials or satellite dishes after so many years, and that you needed to get the cable to the border of my property before the planned installation next week.
However, it would have been a good idea if you had a) let me know in advance when you were coming, and b) suggested to your staff that where there is a doorbell fitted it is probably a good idea to use it and not just fiddle with the letter box cover. You were very lucky that I was a) in and b) within earshot. You weren't to know that the only reason I wasn't out shopping was because I wasn't feeling very well, and the only reason I heard the tiny noise was because I had got up from my bed briefly for a cup of coffee. The doorbell, if used, is enough to waken the dead.
I am now feeling even less well after heaving things out of the way of the cable conduit through the garden, which turned out not to be necessary until next week.
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Dear horse riders, just a note to let you know that I did see your gracious hand wave to acknowledge that we had driven so considerately behind you until you decided to pull off the road to let us go past. You may have wondered why I was so impolite as not to reciprocate.
That was because I had been following you as you walked your steeds slowly for a quarter of a mile, side by side down a single track lane, where there were at least six ample passing places you could have used to let us get by. I was not sure you actually knew we were there until the last few yards, when you did get into single file. As you may not be drivers, I should point out that we are not allowed to pass you when you wave us on unless we can be sure ourselves that road is clear, and where there is a 90 degree turn to the right, we can't do that. As riders, you must realise that we have to leave more room as we pass than there would be in that lane - we don't have the facility of Rowling's night bus of becoming thinner.
You may not have needed to be anywhere at any time, but other road users can do. So, no, I did not wave in friendly fashion. I was not feeling friendly.
 

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Posted by Bishops Finger (# 5430) on :
 
Dear Tailgater,

I am driving a Seat Ibiza, not a Klingon Warbird with its invisibility cloak activated. You are actually following me, and not (as you obviously think) the car in front of me.

I apologise profusely for not being able to (a) levitate out of your way, or (b) automatically open my rear hatch so that you can come in and keep me company.

Could it be that you are in a hurry to get into your grave before it gets cold?

Ian J.
 

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Posted by Huia (# 3473) on :
 
Dear Supermarket Manager - It is truly delightful that you have decided that the school holidays are a good time to change the layout of your shop.

The courage of your staff in going ahead with the work even though the new signage had yet to arrive is amazing and only surpassed by the creativity of the placement of grocery items in unusual places, making today's shopping akin to a real life version of Where's Wally without the stripes.

The attitude of the staff when asked where items were (a shrug and "who knows?") only added a sense of mystery to the process.

A delighted and grateful shopper.
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Dear Neighbour's guests. I do hope you enjoyed what you were smoking last night. It was so helpful to have a reminder of its smell, which I had quite forgotten, it being such a long time since I met those nice people protesting about the multiplex planned for the Crystal Palace site. Unfortunately, it was such a long time ago that I have also forgotten where my incense sticks are, so I had to close my windows again.
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Dear cable connecting dudes, I'd like to thank you for the job you did connecting my house to the node at the end of my garden, especially with the problems you had when the existing ducting I had carefully preserved wouldn't allow you to pass the fibre optic cable through it. I know you aren't gardeners, from the abandon with which you scattered cables over my plants, and the way you pulled up the bramble which was supposed to be rooting in a pot so I could give it to my niece, but surely you must have realised that a plastic bin full of water, with a lid on it, was meant to be full of water, and it wasn't in your remit to throw away my carefully collected rain water? I know it didn't look like a rainwater butt, and that it wasn't connected to a downpipe, but that is because there were no butts in the shops when I, like everyone else, suddenly realised we needed them, and I don't have a downpipe. I have to rig up a run of guttering on the side of the house, a job I wasn't thinking I had to do for a while. You could have asked. I, despite lacking your muscles, am perfectly capable of moving 80 litres of water out of the way without spilling. (I thought I had!) As I, a weak and feeble woman, am also capable of mending the duckboarding outside the back door, when I've bought some nails.
I'm not sure how you managed to fix the cable to the house, as I never saw you with any steps, but I genuinely would like to thank you for doing it without damaging the honeysuckle and the jasmine. Well done!

[ 10. July 2015, 08:40: Message edited by: Penny S ]
 

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Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Dear Exam Officer,

I am so sorry I underestimated your consequence and continued erroneously in the belief that it was part of your job to enter students for exams when you received requests, face to face, by phone and by e-mail. I really should have got the message when it took three attempts for a student to be entered for one exam with monthly entry dates, so I shouldn't have been disappointed to find that you failed to enter any students for any June exams.

Your importance is obviously so great, in the big scheme of your life and career, that exam scripts and coursework comprising a year's work for a student are immaterial. It was just a minor detail that you left your job and the company with two sets of exam scripts and coursework, one completely unbeknownst to you, in your bag. That student will be overjoyed that a year's work has been lost for two subjects. Of course they will resume working next academic year with renewed vigour and trust in their tutor.

I wish you all the best in your endeavours at your new job and hope that your employers will esteem you for your true worth.

Yours,

A defeated colleague
 

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Posted by Ethne Alba (# 5804) on :
 
Dear near neighbour,
Your introductions have come a little late in the day, but we have all been enjoying getting to know you through your various relatives, friends and assorted acquaintances.

The idea of becoming acquainted through sharing footwear across our back garden was novel. Equally charming has been the hope that we could all have a fabulous time together by casually strolling in and out of each other's gated front gardens. We do all genuinely appreciate the problem of rubbish collections but would be grateful if you could just remember replace the lids of other people's bins? Thank you so very much indeed Xx

We are all utterly thrilled to hear the charming trills of your youngster's song along our street and eleven o'clock at night is (as you say) an interesting time to contemplate such matters. Indeed, i wonder if La Traviata at seven am would be helpful?

Do get back to me, i am sure this could be arranged, gratis.
EA
 

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Posted by orfeo (# 13878) on :
 
Dear distant colleague,

It is always such a pleasure working with you. Other people are in the habit of expressing their appreciation for my analytical skills and grappling with any questions that I raise, so it is always refreshing to have you convey that your views are inherently correct (by peppering sentences with words like "clearly" and "obvious") and give the impression that I am a complete idiot for not immediately agreeing with you.

I now recognise that your law degree is a true law degree, whereas mine was in fact a typing course in disguise.
 

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Posted by Angel Wrestler (# 13673) on :
 
I actually *did* write a passive-aggressive note and put it on the windshield of a Cadillac Escalade.

The circumstance: we live in an apartment complex and parking can be tight. Our complex has a nice pool and deck area and sometimes residents hold pool parties and cook-outs there. I don't mind those; they're tame and don't last into the night and no one is blaring music. However, when guests from outside come to the parties, they take up the paying peoples' spaces! In this place, most folks are driving older Toyotas and cars like that. Practical and inexpensive, so it's extremely unlikely that any resident would own an Escalade - and even so they'd walk to the pool party rather than drive.

The note I left (I'm not sure if it's a confession or a brag): "Can I have your autograph? I'd love to have the autograph of someone who is important enough to take two spaces to park when they don't even live here." ... and I drove around to find someplace else to park.

I hate when people park straddling the parking space lines ... and I hate even more when I don't have a place to park where I fucking live.

[ 09. August 2015, 01:25: Message edited by: Angel Wrestler ]
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Dear biscuit manufacturers, it is so encouraging to find that you regularly review your products to see if they can be improved, and, should you come to the conclusion that they can, you take steps to do so, announcing the change with the flash "New Recipe". However, when you have had a product selling on the way that it is coated with a layer of coffee icing (or glaze as you describe it) a few mm thick, and which has been two bite sized, it seems an odd improvement to change it to a product which gives the impression of ingesting a baked version of an SD card slightly coated with a faint taste of coffee. I'm not sure in which world this would be regarded as an improvement, but I am afraid you have lost a customer in this one.
 

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Posted by Huia (# 3473) on :
 
To the NZ Deerstalkers.

It was really kind of you to use your skills to help the Department of Conservation cull the pukeko from an island sanctuary so that the rare and endangered takahe can thrive there. It is critical that this be done as pukeko are numerous and compete with the takahe for food. As the birds have similar colouring the idea was to shoot them in the air as pukeko can fly, whereas takehe can't.

Thank you too for the apology you tendered to the Department of Conservation and NZ bird lovers for the 6 Takahe that you shot. I guess the safety message about identifying your target before it is one you need to do a bit of work on. And no thanks, we don't want you anywhere near kakapo or kiwi.

Huia
 

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Posted by Soror Magna (# 9881) on :
 
I've always had a bit of admiration for dumpster divers... they are incredibly hard workers doing a very yucky job that is profitable because the rest of us are so wasteful.

So I'm glad that one of my neighbours was able to arrange for me to have that experience of being a dumpster diver. See, when I went to take my garbage out this evening, our dumpster was FULL with a shoji screen and a bunch of folding chairs. (There was also an office chair left beside the dumpster - that was no fun.)

So I recruited a fellow neighbour, put on my work gloves (oh, did I mention I was in my nightie and flipflops doing laundry when this awesome opportunity came to me?), and we hauled not just a shoji screen, but two folding chairs, A BUNK BED
 

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Posted by Soror Magna (# 9881) on :
 
I've always had a bit of admiration for dumpster divers... they are incredibly hard workers doing a very yucky job that is profitable because the rest of us are so wasteful.

So I'm glad that one of my neighbours was able to arrange for me to have that experience of being a dumpster diver. See, when I went to take my garbage out this evening, our dumpster was FULL with a shoji screen and a bunch of folding chairs. There was also an office chair left beside the dumpster - that was no fun - too easy! - AND several bags of garbage too, as the dumpster was full.

So I recruited a neighbour, put on my work gloves (oh, did I mention I was in my nightie and flipflops doing laundry when this awesome opportunity came to me?), and we hauled not just a shoji screen, but two folding chairs, the frame of A FUCKING BUNK BED and a set of luggage. (No body. That's a relief.) And then we were able to put the garbage where it belonged.

So, dear neighbour, thanks for the unique experience. Now there's space for everybody else's garbage in the dumpster and you get to look at your junk on your way out of the parkade tomorrow morning and be reminded that you are a worthless irresponsible lazy piece of shit.


ETA: ARGH. I'm so infuriated I screwed up my post.

[ 26. August 2015, 02:35: Message edited by: Soror Magna ]
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Dear cable company. Since you took over my phone service, the caller display, for which I am paying, has only worked for half the time. I am very grateful for the rapid way you have sought to restore it each time, and especially for the way your engineer came last week to apologise. She explained that it was your software suppliers and the matter was being pursued.
After she left, I collated all the dates at which it went off and returned, and noticed a pattern, which enabled me to predict that it would be off again today. (I did have a thought that it might have been the heavy rain, but further checking reveals that it cannot be that.) It goes off every alternate Wednesday. (I cannot be entirely sure about the fortnight I was away, but it is suspicious that I have no records of missed calls for that period.)
So, today, having sadly found my prediction to have been fulfilled, and armed with my dates list, I rang your call centre, and for the first time, I am not so pleased with your response. Once again, I am going to have to stay in awaiting an engineer, merely to check if whatever they have done up at the box has worked. I suspect it would work if all they did was to kick it and say Ouch, because it always comes back on a week after it goes off. I appreciate that your centre staff may not have access to the whole sequence of events in a way that makes the pattern clear, but I would appreciate it more if you would accept that I was trying to give you some useful information. At the very least, you could have someone ready at the box to put it back on as soon as it goes off. Every alternate Wednesday at noon should do it.

[ 26. August 2015, 14:00: Message edited by: Penny S ]
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Dear Royal Mail, I am so pleased that you made a very prompt delivery of her birthday gift to my niece in South Wales. It is so good when First Class really lives up to its name, and she was very pleased with the hand turned wooden box I had brought from the Faroes. Sadly, her sister in South London has not received her very similar gift, which I could, of course, have delivered myself, but entrusted to you at the same time as the Welsh gift, also first class.

I do have a certificate of postage for each item, but I am now told by the outpost of the Post Office where I handed them in that they can do nothing to investigate that matter, and I should have used Special Delivery with a tracking number.

No I shouldn't. First Class Delivery should mean that things are delivered, next day, not left still undelivered 20 days later.
 

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Posted by Doublethink. (# 1984) on :
 
Dear valued private sector partner,

We are grateful that it only took you four days to arrange our extremely urgent assessment, that you originally told us you could do within 24hrs. We were so relieved to hear, when you arrived at 5:45pm for your 3pm appointment, that it was only because you set off at 3:15 that you were delayed - rather than by the labyrinthine roadworks or horrific car crash we feared when we heard nothing.

We are entirely confident that the feedback on the outcome of the assessment by 5pm tomorrow will materialise.

Yours patiently,

Some NHS staff with 9-5 contracts
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Dear bankers at a very small branch of a humungous US bank:

Thank you for so effectively distracting me from the anxiety of looking after my failing, elderly father. Instead of worrying about my dad's pain and his total lack of appetite, I turned my attention for hours at a time to trying to figure out what hoop you would send me through next in my quest to be able to write checks in order to pay his bills from a trust account of which he is the trustor. I did quite understand the safe guards in place to keep evil, grasping relatives from emptying his account. So he and I went to a lawyer several months ago to find out how to prepare for the day when he would need help managing his financial responsibilities. Lo and behold he shortly needed that help. My help. But no go.

After our lawyer talked to your branch manager and someone at corporate, finally you said that the trust needed to be amended to make me a trustee. Fine. So be it.

So the lawyer wrote up the document; we got it signed and notarized at my dad's rehab bed, and brought a copy to your bank.

Uh uh. You needed the original. I went to the lawyer and picked up the original and brought it in. A different banker examined the signed, notarized half-page document. Gotta call the corporate legal department, he said. I waited while he slowly got through. The answer came down from on high: I still couldn't get on the account because the amendment doesn't say specifically that my father and I may act independently on the trust. So I could only get on the account if my dad arose from his hospital bed and came in with me.

Young Mr. D. G. gave me his card, sorry-but-that's-policy, have a nice day.

I passed the card to the lawyer who tried to talk to Mr. G. He won't return our lawyer's calls.

So I've had this fascinating second bit of drama in my life to help me while away the weeks. I hope that they enjoy the quiet visit tomorrow from my brother who has just arrived from overseas, a man who has had dealings with much bigger fish in much bigger bodies of water than your little back water pond.

Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Lyda*Rose
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Dear scaffolders,
On three days now (excluding Sunday, which the contractor told you was not to be used) I have got up early (which has had knock on effects on my sleep pattern) to enable your access to my property. I have moved my car from the front, opened the gate at the back, and moved everything from near the house to positions elsewhere in the garden. I have uprooted and moved some of my mint from a place you might want to put a bracing structure. I have not been able to put out my washing, because of removing the rotary line from your route. I have locked all my normally inaccessible windows (not that I suspect you of evil, but scaffolding does rather alter the security status), and drawn curtains to preserve some privacy. All is ready for you.

Where are you?

[ 21. September 2015, 07:49: Message edited by: Penny S ]
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Dear Glazier,
I appreciate your fitting me in on a Saturday after lunch to finish the job of replacing the panels between my hall and the utility room, I really do. And you've made such a neat job of removing the original panels which the original owner had covered so peculiarly with wallpaper.

However, on finding that the originally ordered obscured Cotswold pattern glass I ordered on two occasions, and referred to last time you were here, mentioning that I did not want to see into the melange of freezer, washing machine and garden equipment, was to be substituted with plain glass, I did not appreciate your hopefully suggesting that it would let more light in.

Nor did I appreciate that you dashed off, leaving the hall carpet rolled back and the dustpan and brush in the middle of the floor, with the words "I'm off". An "I'm sorry" would have been appreciated, after all the delay there has been in the project.
 

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Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Penny S:

Nor did I appreciate that you dashed off, leaving the hall carpet rolled back and the dustpan and brush in the middle of the floor, with the words "I'm off". An "I'm sorry" would have been appreciated, after all the delay there has been in the project.

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It all makes work for the working man to do
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
In this case, however, me - with of course, Flanders and Swann echoing in my mind. It's been a merry dance with him and the plumber for months. None of the others, though. And he has now left the place in a state where I could finish the job myself. If I haven't had him back by next weekend, I will. Buy the glass, some beading, a thing I can cut mitre corners in and some no-more-nails.
 

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Posted by Macrina (# 8807) on :
 
Dear Flatmate,

I know that laws and tenancy regulations that bind the rest of us should be considered only a minor and temporary irritation to one such as yourself. I apologise unreservedly for assuming you had abided by the terms of your lease and informed our landlord that you were moving out.

I'm also extremely sorry for assuming you had commenced my tenancy legally and I know full well you didnt mean to make me ineligible to recieve back the bond that I paid you when I moved in. Of course given these completely unrealistic expectations on my part you should further accept my apology for contacting the landlord to get your bond back for you.

I appreciate you waking me up in a timely fashion from my night shift several hours before my alarm with your loud banging and crashing, it gave me time to watch a little of the cricket. I also wish to thank you for the chance to practice my conflict and de-escalation skills outside of a work setting when I came to talk to you about the awful errors I had made as outlined above. I did appreciate the fascinating demonstration of New Zealand varient primitive Anglo Saxon which you so kindly performed for me. Very culturally edifying! Finally I'd like to say it was lovely to hear your radio programme at full volume along with your private practice of further varient Anglo Saxon following the conclusion of our interaction.

Best wishes,

Bemused flattie
 

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Posted by Macrina (# 8807) on :
 
Addendum to the above:

I would further like to express my appreciation for your fine efforts at superfluous door slamming earlier today. I am sure my colleagues and the patients I care for will be grateful that your endeavors to convey your emotional state via percussive force have left me tired and less able to care for them effectively.

Furthermore thankyou for so considerately disposing of the house phone in the bin. I know it's of no further use to you personally so I am glad you placed it in the appropriate waste receptacle.

Finally I am once again grateful that your refusal to pay the rent in a timely fashion despite your forceful assertion to the contrary on our previous interaction has demonstrated to be once again the virtues of sound financial planning.

Yours ever faithfully,

Bemused and laughing Flattie.
 

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Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :
 
To my blessed colleagues who had a deadline to meet on Monday.

I'm so glad that you decided to take your time over the work, kept submitting and then changing your minds. It wasn't at all awkward for the rest of us who rely on you. It's not as though we have our deadlines to meet.

Of course, had I known you would be 2 days late, I could have taken the time off (not least because I have not been able to take the legal minimum) but it was good of you to keep promising that everything would be fixed within the next couple of hours. My desk has a comfortable chair and it's fine to sit in it, twidddling my thumbs.

The fact that I will now have to work this weekend (with no prospect of overtime pay or time off in lieu) is no bother whatsoever. It's what I've come to expect from having the pleasure of working with you.
 

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Posted by Penny S (# 14768) on :
 
Dear Mr Cameron,

It is Holocaust Memorial Day, and you delivered a pretty speech on the subject, but do not quite seem to have inwardly digested the point, since you personally, and your government, have today indicated just how little you care for those at risk of demonisation.

There was the obvious "bunch of migrants" dig to enable you to divert attention from Mr Corbyn's question about Google, which has attracted some opprobrium, but also, as I am sure you realised, some supporters.

But less reported was the decision to appeal against the appeal court which found your "spare bedroom subsidy" arrangements outside the law, when it came to charging a woman for having a specially constructed safe room, and a pair of disabled grandparents for having a room for the equipment and overnight carer they need for their even more disabled teenage grandson. It was stated that there were many more in similar positions who would be affected by the judgement, but you wish to see them cast outside the protection they need from your greed. I presume, should the higher court support the lower court's findings, you will seek to alter the law again, so you can continue to treat such people as outcasts.

Shame on you.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Dear übermensch,*

i am sorry-- I keep forgetting that it is my primary function to support you, agree with you, cheer your successes, and to greet your ideas with awestruck joy. I keep forgetting and indulging in this silly, impetuous, feminine urge to offer ideas of my own. You have made it clear that such temerity is tiresome beyond words, and evidence of uppityness.

However, I applaud you graceful method of dealing with my rude insistance on inserting myself into conversations with Far More Important People-- by pretending I haven't said anything at all, waiting till a half hour or so has passed, and offering the exact same ideas as if nobody had said anything at all. That way, you can harvest whatever meager worth there might be from my silly ideas and use them to your benefit and prestige, without falling into the danger of reinforcing my terrible habit of articulating said ideas.

Big squishy hugs,

A Helpmeet.

* unfortunately, I have to call this one a form letter.

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