Ship of Fools: The Day I Heard The Gator Was Gone

Thread: The Day I Heard The Gator Was Gone Board: Glory / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :

TDIHTGWG started with a phone message from Kelly last night, pointing me to the Styx.

The bottom of my stomach just seemed to fall away, and a long echoing NNOOOOOOOOooooo... welled up in me. And, also, in the lizard foundation of my mind was the thought that, if this was a hoax or prank or ruse, Erin was going to be epically pissed.

I told my wife while I was still stunned, and her immediate expression of horrified worry was my first real clue about how upset was yet to become. I did obvious administrivial tasks that should be done, and phoned Kelly back to thank her. Talking briefly with Kelly illuminated our shared shock and denial. Making wishes really isn't my way, but I was sorely tempted to make a wish right then. Or even pray, which I also don't do. But instead of being a philosophical stance, in this case I think I didn't do either of these because it would mean admitting how real the possibility of having lost Erin was.

The night lodged in the middle of TDIHTGWG was a tormented affair of emotional constipation, then it was time for my return to work after the holiday break. I reflexively dressed in black, out of respect. Which was a mistake.

I took The Peanut to daycare, forgetting all sorts of tidbits and procedure I'm typically fastidious about, and sort of sulked to my fabric-covered cardboard box in the far end of the Daimler cubicle farm. Annoyingly, it turns out that even usually-introverted engineers have stupid urges to socialize after returning from holiday. So I ended up with a stream of people coming by, stupid smiles on their fucking faces, and being confused by my even-darker-than-usual demeanour and my attire. My being a surly asshole isn't particularly noteworthy, really - I think most would have just shrugged and assumed I had failed to kick a puppy this morning. But the black clothes, those are sufficiently symbolic for even social retards like engineers to notice.

"Who died?" - Usually said as a joke, assuming that my fashion sense was as flawed as theirs. And I'd tell them.

But the part that really galled me was when I ended up feeling like I had to try to explain to some about-to-be-strangled mouth-breathing friendless freak about why I cared so much about a person I only knew through online discussion and email.

Because, krillfuckers, by simultaneously being a snark savant that could eviscerate a tyrannosaur AND also completely owning and reveling in her weaknesses and faults she managed to be one of the most-real people I've even known. Because she has been my friend and mentor and role-model for ten years. Because she was supposed to be immortal, like the force of motherfucking nature she embodied.

My futile time at my desk was abandoned early, and I collected The Peanut and hurried home, barely keeping my façade intact. Peanut just wanted to play and eat, but I kept messing it up by having tears and snot running freely. He was affronted that I would intrude on his schtick, and repeatedly needed to be picked up so that he could try to make me shut the hell up.

Eventually the wife came home from a full day of shrinking heads, and helped to let me grieve the way I wanted to - by eating a bunch of Green&Blacks and obsessively roaming The Ship and re-living all that I have shared with Erin.

TDIHTGWG has left me here, trying to find some way to mourn and honour Erin that even fractionally does justice to how much she has meant to me.

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :

Not too different from you, RooK. Except it was Judy who tried to call me and finally sent me an urgent facebook message.

Then I read the Styx post and gasped and found the nearest chair and posted some dumbass response and started crying. The crying scared the kiddos who called their grandma and tattled on me.

Then posted some sappy facebook thing which I'm afraid ended up being the newsbreaker for a lot of Shipmates. But more, it spread the word through my little town that I waa mourning and it was someone they don't know!

so then the phone calls, the emails, and the queries at the post office and such.

I have been and remain a very public person in my little world. My business is everyone's. The Ship is sacred to me because I dont have to be that "public" face here. I get to be me, even the ugly bits. I can be weak and angry and bitter and naive and dippy and me.

there is only one friend outside of immediate family who even knows about the Ship. (and the abandoning ratbastard moved back to Australia) so it's been odd. Mostly I blow people off.

"a good friend. A dear, amazing woman. No, you wouldnt know her, she's from another part of my life. She was a big influence on me during the Dark Years.

And she was too damn young."

i slept roughly from 5:30 to 7 am and have spent my day in a fog. I keep leaking; especially when I read what's been written here over the last day.

Judy and i were talking: part of what's hard about this is feeling physically isolated. There is no one in huggable, snot-wipable distance who understands. How do you explain loving someone you've never met?

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :

I woke up to early morning messages from Campbellite and duchess. I possibly wasn't quite as shocked as some, as Erin had recently shared with Tortuf her health issues, and we knew it was some bad stuff. I honestly and truly think she had no real clue it was going to kill her -- at least, she certainly gave no indication of it. As Erin might say, "Where is House when you really need him?"

I texted Tortuf, emailed Sine, commissioned Tortuf to call monkeylizard. Later on, I emailed Pyx_e. I haven't heard back from him (I sent it after hours), but I hope I do. He needs to know.

Other than the initial shock, the most overwhelming thing has been seeing the amazing resurgence of Shipmates I haven't seen in years. Like someone said, it's like a wedding -- or funeral -- in real life, where you see friends and family that you haven't seen since the last one. I think Erin would be touched and amazed at some of the names popping up on her threads.

Along with my messages about Erin was an email from a friend in Alabama whose son died last night from the disease my younger son has and will eventually die from. Too much death for one day.

[ 05. January 2011, 05:35: Message edited by: Grits ]

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

I woke up yesterday morning to my mother crying. She had just gotten a call that one of our oldest family friends had died. Her husband, another family-friend, had died the week before. We hugged and cried a little, but mostly were shocked at the timing. She spent the rest of the day calling various friends and wandering into the home office to restate her bewilderment.

I puttered around all day and came home at about 5 ish. I farted around on the Ship and Facebook, pestered my nephew, posted on couple threads. I kept switching back and forth between the two pages.
At a little after 6:30, I saw the post "Important! PLEASE READ!" and I sighed, thinking what fresh drama is this? I expected a spammer, Obmama's sock puppet revealed, whatever.

I read the note. I thought, this has got to be a joke.I posted 'Dear God" and went to my mom's room. When she asked what was wrong, I couldn't do anything but shake my head for a while.

"My turn" I finally said. She commiserated, and we both made sharp remarks about how brilliant 2001 was turing out so far. And I stammered something about what I had read. Then it hit me what she'd been doing all day and I staggered downstairs to make some calls. I called all the H/ A's in the US that I had numbers for.

First calls were to Ruth and RooK, as they were in pacific time, and as I know them. Then I paced around a bit. I then went back to the boards and tried to sort out what time lines everybody was in, and tried to figure out if I had a number for an American Admin. I left a message for a few more H/A's . RooK called back.

I remember saying" Do you think it's for real?"
And he said something like,"It looks pretty real to me." And as he said the conversation from there was pretty much "No fucking way" and "what now?"

I did hear Peanut in the background, and it made me dizzily happy. It was like getting a hit from an oxygen mask.

I called Amazing Grace. What little crying I did that night I did in this call; it was just hearing her voice that did it. I called Mamacita. and Jedijudy. The pleasure of talking to these ladies for the first time jolted by what we were talking about.Judy offered to call comet, and suggested I call Motherboard.

(Motherboard had the most awesome response of the night, BTW. I will leave her to post that if she so desires.)

By this time I look on Facebook and I see that some shipmates are posting mantions of Erin in their updates, and I look at here ship and see that the Styx thread is well populated. I chat with a couple of people on Fb chat. I start to open chat with at least two folk that i remember and see that they are already talking about Erin on their pages (You were one of them,, Comet. Duchess was another)

At this point I am a little more secure that the US tribe is informed, and enough of the Oz/ NZ mates have chimed in to make me feel they are covered, too. Then I think of Simon and Alan.

I guess I have never realised till last night that I consider Simon, Erin and Alan to be the triune Godhead of the Ship-- all I knew was that last night they didn't know, and it seem utterly, utterly wrong. I looked up my old PM's to see if I had aved Simon's number from when I was in the UK; I hadn't I di have Alan's number. I had phone in hand and was sorting out how to dial oversees when it struck me that I should check what time it was in Scotland before I should do such a thing. It was 3:30 AM.

SO I just watched and waited. as more and more shipmates came aboard and spread their mourning across Facebook. I chatted with a few more UK mates hoping to get the tom-toms going. But I stayed up looking for either Simon or Alan's name, telling myself one would tell the other. I so ached for both of them and for all the UK shipmates who were going to get hit with this as they wre sitting down to their morning coffee to get a few minutes of the Ship in before work. Dammit. I just can't imagine how horrible that must have been.

Alan logged on at about 12 AM my time, and I went upstairs and collapsed.

I slept hard, but had troubled dreams.

I woke up in the morning feeling like I'd been hit by a truck.

I hadn't really cried all night, but started on the car on the way to work.

Being around kids is an excellent mood elevator. At one point I wondered, if Erin could look down on me, what she would think of my work life. I decided, as I was watching two-year-olds bounce up and down giggling along to a Dora CD, that she'd think "You got it pretty good."
The class I was working in though, had a reptile theme going on in it, and you guessed it, there were dozens of little gators everywhere. Stuffed, plastic, books, stickers. There was a kitchenette in between the classrooms, and I kept offering to wash up so I could sneak away to cry.

I will sneak my camera to work tomorrow and get a few shots of the best ones.

I came home and gave myself permission to spend the rest of the night sobbing-- mission accomplished.

God has left a gator shaped hole in our hearts.

Posted by Robert Armin (# 182) on :

Grits - can you tell us what Erin was suffering from? Like most people here I had no idea she was ill. This really doesn't make sense.

Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on :

TDIHTGWG I was lounging in my bed trying to delay reality a little bit longer and then it hit me full-faced as hubby came charging up the stairs and collapsed next to me sobbing. "Oh no, who?" "Erin." So much went through my head and none of it seemed appropriate. After Alan was able to speak and tell me that all he knew was posted in the Styx, I tucked him back into bed, and said I was use my powers of Google-fu to find out if it was true. But there was nothing to find. Just what was posted on the Ship and on Facebook. It wasn't right ... it couldn't be true.

I spent the day with that thought it my head. "It's not true. There's no way. She can't be gone." Along with that the even more pressing, "how the hell do I help my husband get through this?" I think I'm stuck there.

Posted by PeteC (# 10422) on :

That would be up to Erin's family to disclose, I think, Robert Armin.

I woke up to find an off-line message from Welease Woderick. He so seldom does that sort of thing, I hurried to the ship. First of all, I checked the Host Lounge and found people in there crying. Then the Styx, seen through a blur of tears. I had a lot of stuff to do yesterday, and somehow I got it done. I even went to the Chat Board for some conversation - something I do only very rarely.

Sing with all the Saints in Glory,
Sing the Resurrection Song

I was a very soggy Hell Host yesterday.

Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :

Nobody called me, I just logged in to the Ship and saw that it was all black. I thought "oh no, what's happened?" Then I saw the thread.

It's not nice when one's brain does that terrifying "switching off" thing. Does not compute. Blue Screen Of Death. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I needed an outlet, and I think RadicalWhig was the poor sod who got both barrels. Sorry 'bout that, dude. Not too sorry, but, you know...

And then, after a brief stop in Facebook to post a tribute in my status, I got the fuck offline. Did some chores. Sat on the sofa. When my wife came home I just hugged her.

And that's it. Just got on with it. I mean, how can I possibly explain to anyone else that I'm in mourning for someone I never even got within two thousand miles of? Someone I wouldn't recognise if she was stood right in front of me? And yet someone who has touched my life more than most of the people I have met and would recognise? They wouldn't understand, and I'm not in the mental state to explain. So I just get on with it.

And find more outlets, of course. This will not be a good few days for pissing around in Hell...

Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
Someone I wouldn't recognise if she was stood right in front of me?

I'm not in contact with anyone from the ship except through the ship, and I didn't ever really interact with Erin except on a few threads.

I think this is the closest I'm going to come to understanding the sense of loss people feel when a celebrity they have no direct relationship with dies. Although I can spare some empathy for those who are grieving, that distant sense of loss has always left me cold before.

But now someone who was a massive influence and part of a community I interact with has died and that does give me a real sense of loss, despite the lack of a direct relationship.

It is, of course, a far deeper loss for those of you who had more direct relationships.

Posted by Barnabas62 (# 9110) on :

You don't get to be as ancient as me without knowing something about the strange territory of significant loss. Shock, denial, emotional rawness, mind-elsewhere etc.

I found out before breakfast - the laptop was upstairs and I just "dropped in" on my way to find out how England were getting on against Australia. And saw Wodders' thread on the Host Board.

Up til that point, I had not fully appreciated how real this community had become for me deep down. When I first joined here it didn't take long to figure that Erin had this unique responsibility which she exercised in a unique way! Thought to myself "If her bark is anything to go by, her bite is probably fatal". In the couple of years or so since I've been Hosting, I'd seen some of the other side that folks have posted about. She was particularly helpful to me when I made a beginner's error very early on.

So respect and a certain awe got joined by an affection. And all of these things came together when I read Wodders' thread.

The very real sense of loss coloured everything we did yesterday. My wife spotted things very early on and I tried to explain, not very well I think, how the sudden death of someone I had never met IRL yet felt I had got to know in this strange cyberspace world had punched me in the guts. "Take it easy", she said. "You've had a terrible shock." So I did. But the thoughts and feelings kept returning.

I much regret not expressing my thanks, respect, and affection to her more directly while she was still alive. Early on in the day I posted the lines from Joni Mitchell's song which really summed up yesterday for me, so it feels right to post them again.

"Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got 'til its gone"

That's pretty much where it still is for me at present. The world seems emptier somehow.

Posted by Tubbs (# 440) on :

I'd been off over Christmas, logged back in to play catch up, found a thread headed Erin and learnt the news that way. The rest of the day was spent in a bit of a daze, attempting to do some work.

We wouldn't have recognised each other if we'd passed in the street, but she taught me so much over the years. I don't care what they say, online friends can be as real as flesh and blood ones.

Please pray for Erin's family and friends - real and virtual. And please pray for the Ship and those who sail her.

Tubbs

Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :

I'd got up as usual when the wee man decided it was time to go downstairs, collecting the wee lady from her cot on the way. Sorted out drinks and breakfast for the kids and switching on kids TV, as usual. Got myself some juice while the computer booted up. Sat down to drink and opened my email ... and, there was an email from Rook to Jason cc'd to the admins. I went to the Admins board, then the Hosts reading all that was posted there by now as sure as possible that it wasn't some sick joke. Finally, went to the Styx thread. But, I'd only read the OP and couldn't hold it together much longer. My brother had stayed the night and was already up and entertaining the kids. So, I went back upstairs to my wife and finally let things break. Flausa posted the rest. I stayed on my bed with a box of tissues for at least half an hour, before I could face coming back down to try and do something. By then other UK people were up and about, and I knew Simon had been told. I finally got around to trying to figure out what to do in the Control Panel to change the display colours when they started to change as someone else had already done it.

Posted by Kitten (# 1179) on :

I'd had very little direct contact with Erin, apart from a question I sent her by PM several years ago, to which I received a sensible and reasonable reply.
So why did I spend most of yesterday trying not to cry at my desk?

I heard the news when someone on one of the private boards advised that we should look as the message in the Styx.

Posted by Earwig (# 12057) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Kitten:
I'd had very little direct contact with Erin, apart from a question I sent her by PM several years ago, to which I received a sensible and reasonable reply.
So why did I spend most of yesterday trying not to cry at my desk?

You're not the only one who's been holding back tears at work. I never had any direct contact with her, but I lurk and read more than I post, and she was such a bright, flaming person across the boards. And... I think part of how I feel is because of what the Ship is, and what it has been in my life, and knowing that the character of Erin had shaped so much of the Ship's boards.

I guess I've been so... blessed... by the Ship community, that the loss of its guiding light and terrifing tiny judge has become a big loss here, even though I never knew her.

Posted by iGeek (# 777) on :

I found out via a posting by Campbellite on Facebook early yesterday morning. I immediately went to Styx and saw the thread OP'd by Jason.

I am far removed from Erin ... I never invited her wrath, never exchanged even so much as a PM with her that I can recall (unless it was during the time when member numbers were auctioned).

But from my joining the boards back in mid 2002 until now, she's been the presence behind, the essence of SoF, in my framing of reality. So I read Jason's post taking it at face value, never once imagining it to be a hoax, and yet not quite getting to grips with it's import.

Like many, whenever I saw her post I'd immediately go to the topic in question ... her posts were a gold-plated marker of interesting discussion or drama.

It's been the catalyst for some very enjoyable perusing oblivion threads with stellar SoF tête-à-tête over the past 24 hours accompanied by occasional watery eyes.

Looking forward to meeting her in Glory and having a laugh over a wee dram of 12 y/o Glenmorangie.

Posted by Rossweisse (# 2349) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
...And that's it. Just got on with it. I mean, how can I possibly explain to anyone else that I'm in mourning for someone I never even got within two thousand miles of? Someone I wouldn't recognise if she was stood right in front of me? And yet someone who has touched my life more than most of the people I have met and would recognise? They wouldn't understand, and I'm not in the mental state to explain. So I just get on with it....

Exactly. I posted a link on Facebook, and just got puzzled "What?" responses from non-Shippies.

At least I didn't have to deal with the office.

[ETA that Lamb Chopped and I may have to get together for a drink in Erin's memory, just to be able to cry with someone.]

[ 05. January 2011, 14:29: Message edited by: Rossweisse ]

Posted by Jengie Jon (# 273) on :

I don't burst into tears I get claustrophobia instead. Yesterday my two God daughters, their mother and dog, got walked off their feet along the beach. The dog had another long walk today.

Jengie

Posted by Spiffy (# 5267) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Rossweisse:

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
...And that's it. Just got on with it. I mean, how can I possibly explain to anyone else that I'm in mourning for someone I never even got within two thousand miles of? Someone I wouldn't recognise if she was stood right in front of me? And yet someone who has touched my life more than most of the people I have met and would recognise? They wouldn't understand, and I'm not in the mental state to explain. So I just get on with it....
Exactly. I posted a link on Facebook, and just got puzzled "What?" responses from non-Shippies.

I got bad jokes from 20something gamer boys when I posted on Facebook.

And a frantic call from my mother to check that everything was all right and that Erin wasn't killed by another Internet person who hacked her to death.

Mom's certain that's what's going to happen to me one of these days at a Shipmeet, because of course everyone on the Internet is potential based-on-a-true-story script fodder for either CSI or Criminal Minds. I'm too old for her to worry about To Catch A Predator.

Because that's the thing-- unless you've been a part of a community on the Internet, you don't know how deep, human connections can be made through a mere computer screen, and you Just. Don't. Understand.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

I read the thread backwards, as I often do (well you try checking circus threads day after day without doing one or two little tricks to ease the monotony) - so I knew someone had died, but didn't know who. There are several people who are ill / very old on the ship so I thought it might be one of them, but the person I really, really didn't expect was Erin.

Obviously, the more posts I read, the more obvious it was true - given the seniority of the posters, finally culminating (well I did say I read the thread backwards) in a post from Erin's own brother. Well he should know, if anyone did.

That night I stayed on the ship for much longer than usual - it seemed right somehow to keep company with all the others who had gathered together on the Erin-shaped boards. It was only the message 'Board closed for maintenance' that made me realise it really would be a good idea to go to bed now.

When someone dies in the 21st century, the reaction of their friends really isn't that much different than when someone died in 1st century Palestine. I guess the human condition is the same whatever the age and culture in which we live.

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
Because that's the thing-- unless you've been a part of a community on the Internet, you don't know how deep, human connections can be made through a mere computer screen, and you Just. Don't. Understand.

exactly. Well put, Spiffy.

The Ship has changed me. Before September 2005, I didnt understand, either.

Today I go to work and sling booze for people who care about me, but will not understand one whit. And i wont be able to explain.

Side note: I'm performing tomorrow night. Does anyone know of any favorite songs of Erin's that I can throw together? I may be the only one who will understand but it will help. And Fields of Gold is not an option, I cant get through it.

Posted by sharkshooter (# 1589) on :

quote:
Originally posted by comet:
..Side note: I'm performing tomorrow night. Does anyone know of any favorite songs of Erin's that I can throw together? ...

Not really, but you could try...

Crocodile Rock.

Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :

Something from the musical episode of Buffy maybe?

Or (if your listeners can cope) something from South Park or Family Guy... [Devil]

Posted by comet (# 10353) on :

I'm afraid I'm hopeless on the TV stuff (see asshole drilling thread) and I LOVE the idea of Crocodile Rock! But just spoke to my guitarist and he said 24 hours isnt enough. We'll do "Abraham, Martin, and John" instead. Not totally suited, but close enough and it's all in my head anyway.

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :

I had just turned my computer off TDIHTGWG. And I had checked the Styx not long before, nothing new there at the time.

Getting ready for bed, I was wiggling the guts of my toilet trying to get it to quit running, and missed Kelly's phone call.

Just out of habit, I looked at my phone before crawling into bed to see that I had a message from a number I didn't recognize. Kelly just told me to check the Styx right away.

It was agonizing getting the old 'puter to boot up, and to get to the Ship...like slogging through waist-deep swamp mud. When I saw Jason's post (hoping it was a hoax), I called Kelly immediately. Thank goodness she answered, because I was simply out of my head. Kelly, I'm sorry you had to try to translate my babbling. All I could think to do was to get my last PM from Erin to read to Kelly, hoping there was a clue in the message. Nothing. She said she thought she had called most of the American hosts and admins, and I asked if she had called Comet. She said she would call Motherboard to try to get a message to Alan if I could call Comet, which is what we did.

Then came the long, agonizing sobbing and looking at the Ship and Facebook to try to connect with everyone I could think of. I'm so sorry to everyone that I didn't contact. Like Marvin said, the brain switches off. Even today, there were a few more people who I contacted, just to make sure that they would have heard.

My friends and co-workers do not understand why I would leave my house early in the morning to drive across the state to go to a funeral of someone I "don't really know". Ah, but I do know her, very well, and she has been my friend for almost ten years. And the world is strange and fake and bizarre without her.

Posted by Zappa (# 8433) on :

It was, I'm afraid, one of my "penny not dropping" moments. I saw the "Important Message PLEASE READ!" heading in the Styx, thought "oh shit I must check that later" and went and did other things for a couple of hours. When I came back for a fly-by hosting visit I checked Facebook first, saw Comet's status, and went into uh-oh mode, turning to the Jason post immediately.

But of course I began reading it thinking it was an Erin post, and like a train-wreck in slowmo my consciousness dawned only slowly.

quote:
My name is Jason Etheredge. My sister is Erin Etheredege

... it seemed like one of those Facebook hack a friend's computer moments, rushed, impish, even with the mispellings ... Erin's going to chew entrails, I thought.

quote:
I am writing this to inform her friends that she passed away last Thursday

. Fuck, I thought. Noooooo. Even then for a moment I thought it was a prank. Only for a moment, though. This is real.

It is real. [Tear]

[ 05. January 2011, 17:40: Message edited by: Zappa ]

Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :

I learned through Simon's announcement on facebook. I was home alone with the baby and just let out a stunned "WHAT?" And as I started reading the styx thread I was aware that I kept muttering "no...no...". Just couldn't believe what I was reading. Erin doesn't DIE, for goodness sake.

As others have said I had almost no contact with Erin so I can only imagine how bloody awful this must be for those who knew her well, online or IRL. But no one has made me laugh as much - or wince as much! There are many great wits on the Ship but there was always a little thrill to see that Erin had posted, and to think that future trolls and troublemakers will never know her bite is ridiculously sad - and really quite annoying!

As others have also said I haven't even bothered trying to explain the grief to non-shippies, even my husband. There's no way to explain [Frown]

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :

Once it had finally settled I wanted to talk about Erin, because as I know from experience, that is how I grieve. Bullfrog wasn't home. Thought about fb, but I know from experience how well my friends often understand internet-friends. Thought about my sister, but she wouldn't get it either. Figured the toddler would get it better then anyone above, but didn't want to make her sad if she did pick up my mood. Finally told my mom who I figured wouldn't get it either, but ... she's Mom.
Her response was actually so helpful that I'll share it here in case anyone else likes it too: Moderns don't understand communal grieving. We don't have as many close communities like that in non-virtual life like that anymore, but as a medievalist professor she mentioned some that would have existed in that society.

Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :

I'm still shocked and very sad. I can't really believe that she's gone. I stopped posting a while ago, but the things that Erin said and did for me, especially around the time that Molly died has stayed with me for the last few years.

TDIHTGWG I was looking at facebook and saw the news. I immediately checked the ship and couldn't believe she was gone, I hoped like hell it was a joke but knew it wasn't. The day passed in a whirl - I was on my own for most of it apart from going to get a cat. Been on my own today as well and spent most of my time online, remembering her, reading old threads and PMs. It's so difficult to explain to real life people the impact something like this has. Just wish there were some ship people near me!

Posted by marmot (# 479) on :

quote:
Originally posted by comet:
...Then posted some sappy facebook thing which I'm afraid ended up being the newsbreaker for a lot of Shipmates.

...Judy and i were talking: part of what's hard about this is feeling physically isolated. There is no one in huggable, snot-wipable distance who understands. How do you explain loving someone you've never met?

Were it not for you, comet, I might not have known as quickly as I did. I generally have no reason to read the Styx, and in any case, I don't read the boards as often as I once did. After 12+ years, there isn't a lot I haven't seen before.

Once upon a time, I'm thinking '98 or '99, I was invited to host in Purg. I lasted about a week. Erin and I had a spat on the H&A board, and I realized I just didn't have a thick enough hide to be a host, even a civilized one like Purg.

The spat was over something pretty stupid, and involved some cross posting, which made it seem more hurtful than it really was. And so we gave each other some space for a while. That Christmas, she sent me a tiny gift that had the inscription "Peace".

Circumstances in my life have pulled me away from many of my relationships on the Ship. And many from those early days have drifted away, much as I have. Thank God for Facebook, I say. And thank you, comet, for letting me know.

Posted by marmot (# 479) on :

A word about isolation: Even though I am more isolated from Shipmates now than I was in Colorado, I am very lucky that my family gets it. When I was charged with visiting Miss Molly in the hospital, my husband didn't think twice about it, bought me a bus ticket, and kept the home fires burning for a few days. We have hosted shipmates in our home over the years, helped out in emergencies, and been helped in return. He has even used the Ship as an example of an online community when teaching his university course on Internet Culture. So when I fell apart two nights ago, he got it; he cracked open a bottle of wine and listened.

Posted by QLib (# 43) on :

I logged in and picked up a PM before noticing the Styx thread. And I thought "well, I can't cry about someone I never really knew" - and then suddenly I was crying and ended up (not very) late for work. Couldn't talk about it to colleagues yesterday but tried today, after crying again over the board this morning, but got too choked up.

I suppose the thing is that Erin was such a character that, even though I didn't have many interactions with her, I felt as though I knew her really well, and she was important to me.

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Robert Armin:
Grits - can you tell us what Erin was suffering from? Like most people here I had no idea she was ill. This really doesn't make sense.

quote:
Originally posted by PeteC:
That would be up to Erin's family to disclose, I think, Robert Armin.

This is something that puzzles me somewhat too, and I understand that it is not something that needs to be made public, but I too am left wondering, which is frustrating.

I take it, though, that she was ill, but expected to recover, and didn't. I just struggle to understand/accept/appreciate that she is gone.

I read the thread. My brain refused to accept it.

Posted by starbelly (# 25) on :

To put this post in context I decided this year that I would take a bit more notice of Ship of Fools after pretty much 2 years away. I did this partly because I miss the fun here, and also because I have moved recently and have no friends where I live, and being near London thought I could go to a few of the meets again and get to know a few new people (and old friends).

So (as you can see from my posting history) I started dipping my toe into threads on the 1st January. Little did I know what strange timing this would be.

I saw the news on the morning of the 4th posted on Facebook. My routine is to check my email, Facebook and Twitter while drinking my morning coffee.

I thought it may be some kind of wind up, not having spent much time on the site recently I had no idea Erin had stopped being so involved. I checked the page in the Styx and then realised that it was probably true. I went to work feeling mournful but got on with my day. I have not felt tearful, but very sad that I lost contact with Erin in the last few years.

I spoke to Erin twice on the phone during my early years of being a host on here, she sounded lovely and although I don't remember what we chatted about (probably boring practical things) she was different to chat to than she appeared in posts. She also always sent a Christmas card to me, even after I had given up being a host.

I am glad her life had such an impact on people, you can't ask much more than that!

Neil

Posted by Deputy Verger (# 15876) on :

I saw Jason's post when there were only a couple of replies, and I was shocked speechless.

I'm a newbie on the boards but I have been a Mystery Worshipper and a regular lurker for a long time, and I was well aware of Erin, although I am sure she was oblivious to me. I would sum up my impression of her in one word: Respect.

Obviously, those of you who have known and worked with her for years would be in a state of shock and grief, but I am astonished at how strongly affected I was. She was just such a clear force, such a larger than life presence, such an integral aspect of the ship's architecture. Things are gonna wobble for a while.

It comes down to personal integrity. In the world of "onine personas", when you get someone like Erin who is realer than real, and yet who can cut through the crap of the fakes and the stooges and has the courage of her convictions to indict them and chase them down the plank... she's irreplaceable.

I lit a candle for her today in a very special place, and I will go make donation now. I know Simon is not travelling to the funeral and I don't care what it gets used for - it is for the spirit of Erin to carry on its good work in any way.

So sad.

[Votive]

Posted by Pants (# 999) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Marvin the Martian:
I mean, how can I possibly explain to anyone else that I'm in mourning for someone I never even got within two thousand miles of? Someone I wouldn't recognise if she was stood right in front of me? And yet someone who has touched my life more than most of the people I have met and would recognise? They wouldn't understand,...

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
Because that's the thing-- unless you've been a part of a community on the Internet, you don't know how deep, human connections can be made through a mere computer screen, and you Just. Don't. Understand.

Posted by Taliesin (# 14017) on :

Yes. I just feel so shit about it all - couldn't believe it, then the shock, and the awfulness of it being final.

And I can't even explain to anyone why I'm so sad.

Posted by Suze (# 5639) on :

I'ts really odd. I tend to check the ship over breakfast coffee and so it was that morning - I saw the Urgent Message note in Styx and though oh there's something we're not doing right. I remember a distinct sense of disbelief when I read the news about Erin - a feeling that something had substantially changed.

quote:
I think this is the closest I'm going to come to understanding the sense of loss people feel when a celebrity they have no direct relationship with dies. Although I can spare some empathy for those who are grieving, that distant sense of loss has always left me cold before.

This is so true - I didn't have direct interaction with Erin, in fact I tended to avoid all possibility of close contact, mainly from a sense of self preservation. I don't have the personal connection that others have with her but I have been around the ship for a long time on and off. I definately see where Erin's hand has shaped this odd online community that I dip in and out of. I was surprised at the sense of loss I've felt over the last couple of days but actually when you consider the strength of personality and the values evident in the way she posted here I know why I feel like I've lost someone close to me.

I feel a distinct loss that is really inexplicable to anyone that hasn't been part of such a community. I knew it was a big deal when I told my, mostly lurking, hubby that Erin had gone and his response was "fuck, what on earth will the ship do now".

[ 05. January 2011, 21:33: Message edited by: Suze ]

Posted by Louise (# 30) on :

I woke up mid morning as I'm on leave, and checked the Ship on my phone. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I texted my other half Rex Monday to tell him the bad news and burst into tears. The previous night I had been rewatching the film 'Waltz with Bashir' which has a very poignant recurring theme by Steve Richter 'Haunted Ocean' which is ingrained in me because I'd worked with it as music for a programme. I knew that was what I needed to listen to, so I downloaded all the variants of it from the film onto my phone and played it over and over again.

Haunted Ocean (solo)

I went out, to sit in a cafe and check the boards on my phone with tears streaming down my face.

I have a custom that when a friend dies I buy some small something to become a memento, so that when I see it I think of them. When I came out the cafe, I saw a small ring with a triangular blue glass stone, so I bought it and put it on my smallest finger where it is now as I type, to be a memory. I'm glad not to be at work, because I keep tearing up.

Erin was such a presence on the boards, the ultimate guarantee that the trolls/crusaders would not prevail. Hosting in Dead Horses I saw many of those, and was always comforted by the knowledge that the jaws of the gator were ready for them. It gave me conviction whenever we had someone posting truly awful screeds, that I only needed to be patient and do my job, because if they turned out to be a Bad Thing for the Ship, Erin would get them sooner or later. This was why the Ship didn't sink under mountain-loads of zealous or malevolent crap.

I confess sometimes too, to unseemly enjoyment when I knew some plague on us was about to get planked. [Big Grin]

If Erin was planking them, there would always be some marvellously apt post telling them what they could go do with themselves. Those things come as such a safety valve when you've been hosting someone 'through gritted teeth', for a while.

I loved her wit and way with words and her fairness. I'd often IM my other half and point him at fine Erin posts

quote:
Me: The Gator is now lightly chewing on a Baptist, for the alligator chows impartially on the naughty

Rex: : the sect involved just gives a flavour

Me: Indeed! Nom nom nom!

Rex: the spiciness of the evos, the incense of the anglo-catholic, the crunchiness of the creationists... all just part of a healthy balanced diet

It's hard to imagine the boards without that impartial acerbic safe-guarding presence. The tears come when I'm not expecting them, and still they come.

L.

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :

Perhaps that's the perfect measure of who's "In" on the Ship -- who knows enough people, well enough, to make/receive telephone calls about Erin's passing? 'Course she'd be the first to take a chunk out of people who worried overmuch about that concept. [Tear]

Erin sounded, to me, a lot like me, on the phone. It was a little bit surreal, when we spoke a few times before and during The Ark. Only the rare PM or exchange in a thread since.

I'm not a crier, I guess. It might be better for me if I were. I tend instead to carry a grief. Not as a burden, like charms on a Marley- chain, but as trophies, or as scars honorably received. I'll probably have time and space to cry when I least expect it, maybe when the daylight and weather roll around again to the way they were during The Ark's run.

She can't be replaced. Impossible. There's not another Erin. I do wait with interest, though, to see the person(s) who may step up to try to take on something of what she did here. It will be good, it will be fine, the Ship will go on.

But it won't ever be the same. [Votive]

Posted by Sir Pellinore (ret'd) (# 12163) on :

I never knew nor interacted with Erin.

Like Robert Armin, I was perplexed by the brief post from her brother, which didn't say much except she was dead and advising of the funeral.

Jason was obviously shocked and reticent. Understandable.

I am touched that so many who knew her, both in the flesh and on the web, were so deeply moved.

Her famed grizzliness may well have been due to chronic pain and suffering over a long period of time.

I hope she is at peace now. [Votive]

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :

I had a PM from Rossweisse which I saw just before going to work... I sleepwalked my way through the day after that. One crying jag in the chapel. And I MAY have blown my cover as a Shipmate at work, but who gives a *** now.

I suspect it's remarkably easy to "out" Shipmates in real life right now. Look for the unexplained grief.

Posted by marmot (# 479) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
Perhaps that's the perfect measure of who's "In" on the Ship -- who knows enough people, well enough, to make/receive telephone calls about Erin's passing? ...

Maybe true, or not, depending on who has responsibility at any given time. I was called regarding Miss Molly, but not this time around. And so many of us are cross-connected (in more than one sense of the word) I don't reckon anyone will not know eventually.

quote:
Janine: Erin sounded, to me, a lot like me, on the phone.

I believe that to be true. For all the power of her posts, her voice was surprisingly low and mellow.

quote:
She can't be replaced. Impossible. There's not another Erin. ...
it won't ever be the same.

All true.

Posted by PrettyFly (# 13157) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Janine:
It will be good, it will be fine, the Ship will go on.

But it won't ever be the same.

Posted by Kyzyl (# 374) on :

As anyone can see from my posts/length of time on the ship ratio I am not a very verbal shipmate. That does not mean I am not an observant sailor. Erin's presence will be truly missed by this ship's dog.

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Spiffy:
And a frantic call from my mother to check that everything was all right and that Erin wasn't killed by another Internet person who hacked her to death.

You need to bring her back the the Bay Area some time and me an you can have ourselves a Mom Meet.

Louise, staring Ney Year's Eve, I had The Spinners" MIghty Love" completely overpowering my subconscious for the next couple of days. It was running through my head nonstop. For what it's worth.

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :

I read it all on the Ship soon after the news went up, and it was stunning. I walked around in a daze.
Yesterday, my deaconal candidate did a funeral here... The deceased had a vague church connection. My man wanted a chance... Anyway, the "vague connection" asked me to come to the service.
It was a sad little funeral. Most attendees were foster parents, social workers, and similar- plus the deceased's children.. I sat up the back, with another person from church.
It was odd- being clergy, in my church, watching another do the service... But after a while I shut my eyes, and let the words wash over me.
I was grieving for a world that is sad and unfair, for 3 small babes whose mummy ODd- and for the loss of Erin.
Just being able to go to a service was right, for me, this week.

Posted by Lynn MagdalenCollege (# 10651) on :

Dumbstruck and remarkably numb-- we had a few PMs and I don't recall ever being raked by the gator's claws but I was always impressed and entertained by her spirit and use of language and imagery. And very appreciative of her long labor and obvious care for the Ship.

Then I listened to Louise's Haunted Ocean and the sadness of the temporal loss washed over me, and tears too: evidence we are designed for eternity and not a measly 39 years--

[Votive]

Posted by kentishmaid (# 4767) on :

I didn't expect to be so sad but I am. This seems appropriate, somehow.

Posted by kentishmaid (# 4767) on :

Oh, and this.

Posted by dolphy (# 862) on :

Having not read or posted on the Ship for a very long time, I also found out on Facebook.

I sat at my desk completely stunned and in utter shock, which then turned to disbelief. I still can not believe she is no longer with us on this earth....

Erin was a wonderful woman with a very compassionate side.

There are no more words to say at this point.... I am going to miss her so very much.

Posted by Ancient Mariner (# 4) on :

What is weird is that I had recently dug out this and re-read it...

(still stunned)

Posted by snowgoose (# 4394) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Ancient Mariner:
What is weird is that I had recently dug out this and re-read it...

(still stunned)

You would have to post that. [Waterworks]

I first started lurking on the Ship while Miss Molly's Fields of Gold thread was going on. The interactions among Shipmates, along with Miss Molly herself, made me see that not all internet groups are comprised of axe murderers and other scary people. Erin's often stern guiding hand has been of the first importance in keeping the ship safe (enough) yet vibrant.

Though (as I am one of the Ship's fluffies) I didn't have much direct contact with Erin, I always read her posts and admired her enormously.
I have to say that I was at first surprised at how upset I was, how I couldn't stop the tears; but after reading so many posts from other Shipmates, I see that it was not an overreaction after all. It is the Community of Shipmates that makes so many of us love the Ship so much, and Erin was the heart and soul of that Community.

Posted by Graven Image (# 8755) on :

I have long believed that all of humanity lives on one great web of life. No pun intended there. That all we do large and small makes a difference to everyone. Although I never met Erin and knew little about her really I know that her being involved with the Ship changed my life for the better. So to Erin and all who sail here, you matter to me, you matter to me a lot.

Posted by MSHB (# 9228) on :

I only just found out an hour ago. Still completely flabbergasted. I was out of the city visiting relatives for three days and hadn't used a computer in all that time. I checked into the Ship this evening, only to find all these Erin threads ... [Frown]

Such a unique person.

Posted by Balaam (# 4543) on :

Due to one of my regular bouts of insomnia I was here, reading these boards, when the message from Jason came in.

I was stunned. It took me almost an hour to post on the AS prayer thread. And though I have been here for hours over the last few days, can't really get down to posting. There is a big crocodilian shaped hole in this community.

Posted by da_musicman (# 1018) on :

Alhough I'm not around here much anymore I still keep up to date with ship news on Twitter so when I checked my timeline, only to find out Erin had died I had to let out an expletive. As many I rarely crossed paths with her in my time (As I'm a woos) but I loved reading her smackdowns and all her other posts. I'll miss her and miss knowing that she's patrolling the boards keeping everyone in check.

Rest In Peace Erin. [Votive]

Posted by Siegfried (# 29) on :

I just logged into the ship for the first time in several weeks and apparently my reaction was enough that my husband came over to ask if I was ok.
I can't begin to express how I feel. She was a rock and despite her fearsome bite (which I'm fortunate to have never received), there was a big heart and deep well of empathy in her. I'll always remember the "festive anthrax" she used to stick in the Christmas and birthday cards she would send out.

Rest in peace.

Posted by nickel (# 8363) on :

Been in denial since noticing the Ship's lack of colors, and then someone's sig line the other day. But looked for the truth today. [Frown]

Praying for strength & comfort to Erin's family and friends (which includes all of us)

Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :

I am sitting here with little Pickle on my lap (he is watching a Thomas the Tank engine DVD) feeling very sad.

Posted by El Greco (# 9313) on :

[Waterworks]

Posted by PhilA (# 8792) on :

Just found out now as I logged on for the first time in a few weeks. Bloody hell! I can't think of anything to say other than that.

Posted by St. Punk the Pious (# 683) on :

I wondered why the Ship was grey and figured I would find out in the Styx. When I found out, my reaction was "Noooooooooo!" [Frown]

Posted by JimT (# 142) on :

The day I heard the Gator was gone was like most days now. I came home to my impeccably decorated 2BR condo after the long drive home through the redwoods of the Santa Cruz mountains. My thoughts buzzed about a still-unpublished work on the poor annotation of ribosomal RNA operons in prokaryotic genomes. I was painfully aware that it was a far, far cry from the Science and Nature articles I’d written before and that I had to find a way to get more from the data. What to do? Where to go next? Need to hurry. Pressure, but I can handle it.

Along with the news of the day, I heard that Erin had died. So many thoughts, the first of which was that my first post on The Ship was made when I was struggling to come up with some way, any way, to put my life back together. Such a far cry from who I am now.

I didn’t know Erin well but I know this about people and about Nature. The only ones with poison-tipped spines and quills are the ones with the softest and most vulnerable cores. I’m pretty sure she knew I had her number, and that it pissed her off. I find that comforting.

I can’t imagine that she went to Heaven; she loved Hell so much. I’m thinking that Hell, The Ship’s Hell board, is Heaven for her. I imagine her being an eternal Admin for the Hell board, where she posts replies visible only to the other folks in Heaven; where she can rip with no fear of really harming, just entertaining. Like Bugs Bunny giving gigantic kisses after the most devilish insults. “Can you believe the absolute asshats still coming out of that goddam haberdashery?” she’s saying. “Good one,” they are replying. “God, we’ve needed a breath of fresh air around here for so long. For forever, in fact.”

Through The Ship, that’s what Erin gave me: fresh air. Now I can breathe. Now I can live. Forever.

Posted by Gill H (# 68) on :

Hi Jim, good to see you.

I remember Erin really getting a kick out of Bugs Bunny marathons on TV, so I reckon she would love your comparison.

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :

quote:
Originally posted by JimT:
...

I didn’t know Erin well but I know this about people and about Nature. The only ones with poison-tipped spines and quills are the ones with the softest and most vulnerable cores. I’m pretty sure she knew I had her number, and that it pissed her off. I find that comforting.

I can’t imagine that she went to Heaven; she loved Hell so much. I’m thinking that Hell, The Ship’s Hell board, is Heaven for her. I imagine her being an eternal Admin for the Hell board, where she posts replies visible only to the other folks in Heaven; where she can rip with no fear of really harming, just entertaining. Like Bugs Bunny giving gigantic kisses after the most devilish insults. “Can you believe the absolute asshats still coming out of that goddam haberdashery?” she’s saying. “Good one,” they are replying. “God, we’ve needed a breath of fresh air around here for so long. For forever, in fact.”...

I picture her as a female version of the beloved 'Guv" from Life on Mars/Ashes to Ashes.

Posted by Off Centre View (# 4254) on :

I've been on and off the ship over the past few years; although I didn't know Erin well, I know what an integral part she was of this online community, always ready either to help or with a snappy comment.

Peace be with her friends and family at this time,
Off Centre View

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