Ship of Fools: Hell: What the world needs now is.... ME! to be its moral and theological guardian

Thread: Hell: What the world needs now is.... ME! to be its moral and theological guardian Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.

To visit this thread, use this URL:
http://forum.ship-of-fools.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000107

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

Thank you! Thank you! No - really, thank you. I'm touched. No, really. I'd just like to say "thank you" to all of you who have appointed me to this position, and I hope to bring my enormously large store of humility to this difficult task.

If anyone has any queries on what the Church should be doing, just drop me a line. I will be issuing guidance on all manner of things every so often, but any individual quesitons you have - yes, even from you Rowan [Big Grin]

- I will gladly deal with.

I love you all.

[ 10. March 2003, 01:27: Message edited by: Erin ]

Posted by Professor Yaffle (# 525) on :

Your Grace.

Could you make a point of telling people from other religious traditions that, rather than being part of the Body of Christ with a distinctive Christian witness to offer the Church, they and their beliefs are in fact the result of a category error.

I feel that this will help no end.

Posted by Erin (# 2) on :

Dear Fr Dyfrig,

My 403(b) is fast approaching worthless, as it's now worth less than half of what I've invested in it so far. When I jump to my death from the top of the Independent Life building, should I wear bright colors or neutrals in preparation for the tasteful ECUSA funeral?

[ 24 July 2002, 13:47: Message edited by: Erin ]

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

Gladly, Professor.

[clears throat]

I say - you lot. Yes, you, you people from other religious traditions. Rather than being part of the Body of Christ with a distinctive Christian witness to offer the Church, you and your beliefs are in fact the result of a category error.

Did that help?

Dearest Erin,

This is a tricky one. My primary worry is that it'll all eventually be a rather splattery red whatever it started out as. Might I suggest something plain, not too ostentatious, so that you can get the full, deep effect of the crimson? Either that or something in greenspan.

Posted by simon 2 (# 1524) on :

Dear Sir
I most humbly ask for clarification on the point of other religous traditions. Are we speaking of other religous traditions within the broad spectrum of Christian belief or are we speaking of other demon worshiping faiths, or both.

Sorry to waste your time with such a triffling question sir.

Many thanks
Simon

ps.If I may make a suggestion to Erin, when you jump rap your body in cling film, then the clothes you wear will come out unstained and you will buried just as you landed. Alternatively in the spirit of true christian charity you could save the police time by zipping yourself into a body bag before you jump.

Posted by Erin (# 2) on :

Thank you muchly for your advice, both of you, I shall take it under advisement.

quote:
Originally posted by simon 2:
Dear Sir
I most humbly ask for clarification on the point of other religous traditions. Are we speaking of other religous traditions within the broad spectrum of Christian belief or are we speaking of other demon worshiping faiths, or both.

Silly boy, other religious traditions within the broad spectrum of Christian belief are in fact other demon worshiping faiths.

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

Mr 2,

You are in error.....we speak of faith....we do not believe in denominations.....(first contact? Who knows [Big Grin]

)..........

Sorry, where was I?

Oh yes. All non-Christians are going to Hell, obviously, except the ones that make us feel uncomfortable about our failings as Christians, who we will grudgingly let in.

Posted by Alaric the Goth (# 511) on :

I AM NOT WORTHY!
O moral and theo-thingummy Guardian of the World, am I to go to Bradford Forster Square tonight, as if I go to Interchange, perchance it may be that I find myself catching the same train as thee, and thou wouldst look on my sorry and sinful, pitiful and pathetic countenance, and I wouldst tremble at Thy (grovelling apologies for not capitalising all the pronouuns that refer unto Thee) perfection, your Guardianship-ness?

And how can I deign to address thee (sorry, Thee) in so verbiose a manner, thereby wasting Thy precious time? Sorry, Apologies, Grovelling.

Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :

Oh great, majestic one, what advice would you give to Rowen ...? I await your wisdom even though I know that I am not worthy to dust the very pavement you walk upon

Leaves the thread, walking backwards and bowing ....

Tubbs

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

O Sad Pathetic Goth-type Person,
As you would turn into an heap of bodily fat and faesces at the mere approach of my holiness unto Bradford city centre, I suggest to you walk to Huddersfield and get the train from there.

And as for the usurper Etheredge, who now appears to think that this is HER thread for dishing out advice, may I point out that whilst we are all Shipmates, baptised as we are into the same Simon, only some are Hosts, only some are Admins, and only some are Guardians of the Moral and Theological Fabric of the Space-Time Continuum, so take that look off your face, I can see through your smile, (dum-dum-dum-dum-dum) I bet you didn't sleep good last nig-- anyway, you get my point. Get your own position of universal authority, Scarlet.

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Mrs Tubbs:
what advice would you give to Rowen

Shave, Taffy. The faux-Orthodox look ain't fooling anyone.

Posted by clare (# 17) on :

Dear Sir,

I think I heard you speak on this subject before, but I'd like you to clarify the matter. Am I correct in stating that everyone engauged in what one may loosly term 'culture' (especially, that dangerous subset called 'Contempory Culture') is indeed doomed in body, mind and spirit?

Thanking you.

Clare

Posted by simon 2 (# 1524) on :

Could I have some clarification on the culture issue? are we speaking of the arts or of Greek style dairy products?

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

quote:
Originally posted by clare:
Am I correct in stating that everyone engauged in what one may loosly term 'culture' (especially, that dangerous subset called 'Contempory Culture') is indeed doomed in body, mind and spirit?

Attention, everybody! Please look at the above question. The fact that such a stupid and ignorant thing needs to be asked in the first place is Proof Positive of the Failure of the Comprehensive Education System and other such ideas.

Clare,

How many times do we need to go through these things? Look, at the bottom line this is how you adjudge whether a church has lost contact with Tradition.

Does the church ape the styles of the host culture? If yes, then the Church is doomed UNLESS it happens to ape the host Roman culture circa AD450, in which case it is the pure presentation of the Gospel as handed down by Jesus himself to the Apostles.

Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :

O Great and Wondrous One,

On the eve of such an auspicious day as tomorrow wilt be, how should I prepare myself?

Shuld I get anointed with oils, prayed over by my church, what?

Help me please,

Viki

Posted by Alaric the Goth (# 511) on :

posted by the All-wise Moral and Theological Guardian of the western spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy:

quote:
the Church is doomed UNLESS it happens to ape the host Roman culture circa AD450,

But what if my church were to be based on the host Gothic culture of that era? Is there any hope for it?

[And I gladly take up Thy treasured words of advice, and will set out for the Field of Hudred forthwith. A Pilgrimage it will be unto me, for I am, as thou sayest, but fat and dung when compared to Thee.]

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

And what does Lady Frin think of all this? [Ultra confused]

Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
And what does Lady Frin think of all this?

She probably knows who is really in charge [Snigger]

Tubbs

Posted by Beenster (# 242) on :

This is the most meaningful question that you will ever be asked but can you tell me: does my bum look big in this?

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

We can't see your bum, but your head certainly looks huge - and what about that nasty orange lump on top....?

oops, sorry Dyfrig, took over there for a moment. Was thinking that the name 'Rowan' meant a woman could be in charge....... [Cool]

Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :

Feeling a little persnickety today, are we? Haven't we already had this thread?

Reader Alexis

Posted by tomb (# 174) on :

Dammit. I sleep in late ONE morning and wake up to find yet another theological Agony Aunt has set up shop in Hell.

{grumble gritch}

You, Moral and Theological Wazzits of the Universe or Bumbleton or wherever: I EXPECT 20% and I won't tolerate lateness.

And if the "conversation" degenerates to the level of dreck that usually happens when neurotic people seek advice of self-proclaimed messiahs, then the tithe goes up to 25%. I have to read all this stuff because it's my job, afterall. You are contributing to my work load with your wit. And haven't you figured out yet that the only wit I tolerate around here is my own?

tomb

Posted by Alaric the Goth (# 511) on :

Your Dyfrigness,
Can you help with interpreting this dream I have?

I am sailing across miles of ocean, on a quest to find Princess Leia, and, in a terrible storm, the vessel is shipwrecked. I somehow get ashore, and find myself in a strange, hot land, where the people say that they have chosen a shrub to be in charge. Also, they must fight lots of people, including a sad man (I think that is what they say – their tongue is strange to my ears). I ask them why they chose rule by a shrub, and they set this fierce crocodilian reptile on me, which proceeds to bite my head off. They place me in a dark sarcophagus, from which there is no escape. But then a long-haired woman, wielding a lightsaber, stands before me and restores my life, whilst music of a church-organ plays. What does this mean?

Posted by Erin (# 2) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Dyfrig:
And as for the usurper Etheredge, who now appears to think that this is HER thread for dishing out advice, may I point out that whilst we are all Shipmates, baptised as we are into the same Simon, only some are Hosts, only some are Admins, and only some are Guardians of the Moral and Theological Fabric of the Space-Time Continuum, so take that look off your face, I can see through your smile, (dum-dum-dum-dum-dum) I bet you didn't sleep good last nig-- anyway, you get my point. Get your own position of universal authority, Scarlet.

I humbly beg your forgiveness, O Exalted and Wise One. I merely tried to lighten your workload by pointing out the obvious false dichotomy.

Posted by Laura (# 10) on :

Your Serenity,

I fear that as an attorney, I am doomed to turn on the spit of Asmodeus while being seared by thousands of tiny homonculi waving my life's handiwork (assorted summary judgment motions, motions to compel, motions to quash, motions to squish, memoranda in support of motions to squish, etcetera) page by burning page underneath me. I am also an Episcopalian. What must I do to reach salvation?

Yr. Obt. Humble Svt.

[codeless wonder]

[ 24 July 2002, 16:38: Message edited by: Laura ]

Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Alaric the Goth:
Your Dyfrigness,
Can you help with interpreting this dream I have?

I am sailing across miles of ocean, on a quest to find Princess Leia, and, in a terrible storm, the vessel is shipwrecked. I somehow get ashore, and find myself in a strange, hot land, where the people say that they have chosen a shrub to be in charge. Also, they must fight lots of people, including a sad man (I think that is what they say – their tongue is strange to my ears). I ask them why they chose rule by a shrub, and they set this fierce crocodilian reptile on me, which proceeds to bite my head off. They place me in a dark sarcophagus, from which there is no escape. But then a long-haired woman, wielding a lightsaber, stands before me and restores my life, whilst music of a church-organ plays. What does this mean?

My recommendation is less coffee ... but what do I know. I am merely a woman

Tubbs

Posted by Hull Hound (# 2140) on :

You're all being twats.

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :

This from the man who started a thread devoted to how much he didn't care about the death of the Queen Mother.

Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :

The world is in safe hands.

I'll have a double Semprini and a pair of idolatrous bollocks.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

Suggested music for Dyfrig's enthronement:

'If I ruled the world.......'

'Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble........'

'I'm Hennery the eighth, I am, I am.....'

[Ultra confused]

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

"Twat" am I, Mr Hound?

Well, some people called Adolf Hitler a twat.

Some people called Josef Stalin a twat.

Some people called Michael Portillo a twat.

....And, admittedly, they were/are twats, but that's not my point.

My point is this - I am the Guardian of the Moral and Theolgical Fabric of the Space-Time ContinuumTM, and you're not.

Yeah, I thought that would shut you up.

Now, to the post-bag....[stunned pause at getting an apology out of Erin. Slight delay as GotMaTFoftSTC gets off floor and climbs back onto chair].....

The Boy Gothic: you are clearly having fantasies about Carrie Fisher's bush. You are a husband and father; stop this immediately.

sarkycow - I suggest you read the Second Book of Esdras. This will answer all your questions.

Beenster - aren't you the one who didn't know how to pronounce "Bastard" a few weeks ago? Hmmm......yes it does. But I suspect your bum would look big in anything smaller than the Milky Way.

Hail Coot - at least someone has been paying attention. Now that that Ambulance fraudster has been elected to Canterb- (oops! Probably shouldn't have said that) you are welcome to be my acolyte and vicar on earth. For a fee, obviously.

Posted by Laura (# 10) on :

Your Serenity,

I once again implore your answer to my humble question. Or perhaps I have my answer. I am unworthy of the notice of such a being as the GotMaTFoftSTC.

Sincerely,
Doomed One

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

Alright, already!

Yadda, yadda, yadda....

quote:
Originally posted by Laura:
an attorney,.... also an Episcopalian.

Oh poor, sweet, misguided child! Not only are you a member of the True Church, you are alos one of the Elect! Consider yourself blessed! And comfort yourself wiht the following holy words of St Leo of Blessed Memory:

An anaesthatist, a surgeon, an engineer and a lawyer were gathered to gether in one place to answer the question "What is God like?"

And the anaesthatist said, "God is like an anaesthatist, for with gentleness and just the right amount of gas he put Adam to sleep in order to take Eve from his side."

"No!" cried the surgeon "God is like a surgeon, who with delicate hands opened up Adam's side and brought out the rib, and left no scarring."

Then the Engineering intervened, "Oh fools! God is much more like an Engineer, looking at the chaos and seeing in their patterns and workings and thus bringing forth Order!"

"Indeed," said the lawyer. "And who do you think created the chaos?"

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Mrs Tubbs:
Oh great, majestic one, what advice would you give to Rowen ...? I await your wisdom even though I know that I am not worthy to dust the very pavement you walk upon

Leaves the thread, walking backwards and bowing ....

Tubbs

Ooooer, excitment plus! This may have been an innocent typo - Rowen instead of Rowan.....

OR it may be a sign!

You see, my name here is Rowen!

So, oh Great One, can you give me some advice?

Um, about anything really.... the posted request is so general.... [Big Grin]

Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :

O Holy One.

Seeing as I have not had sex for nearly 3 and a half years now is it you I write to to get my virginity back?

P

Posted by Scot (# 2095) on :

Pyx_e, perhaps you should be petitioning the GotMaTFoftSTC to set you up with a date instead? [Big Grin]

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :

Um, Dyfrig Your Highness, I thought that "the elect" could be from any church...that that term refers only to those "who were chosen before the foundations of the world", right [Devil]

? It doesn't just refer to the ONE church..of which I am not a member of...we are all brothers and sister in Christ. [Sunny]

weeeeeeeeeee

Please do me a favor and set me straight...I know I need your assistance and guidance, I am just another Calivinst on this road of life. Please be gentle with me...

[at poster's request, inserted a smilie. First time I've ever used one of those things. I feel so dirty.]

[ 25 July 2002, 16:07: Message edited by: tomb ]

Posted by Laura (# 10) on :

quote:
Originally posted by duchess:
I am just another Calivinst on this road of life. Please be gentle with me...

A Calvinist asking for gentle? Ha! For gentle, seek ye the Unitarians (Theme Song: Somehow in the great Somewhere)

Posted by Moo (# 107) on :

Great One

How does your position as Guardian of the Moral and Theological Fabric of the Space-Time ContinuumTM fit in with your position as Ship's Toilet Cleaner?

Moo

Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Suggested music for Dyfrig's enthronement:

'If I ruled the world.......'

'Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble........'

'I'm Hennery the eighth, I am, I am.....'

"If I only had a brain" (from The Wizard of Oz).

Reader Alexis

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
Great One

How does your position as Guardian of the Moral and Theological Fabric of the Space-Time ContinuumTM fit in with your position as Ship's Toilet Cleaner?

Moo

Easy! Look who Dyfrig is modelling himself on......
He who is last shall be first.
The least shall be the greatest, the greatest shall be the least.
The humble shall be lifted high.
etc, etc, etc.

Isn't it fitting that the lowliest ship's toilet cleaner should become the mighty chosen one: GotMaYaddyyaddySTC?

Posted by Gracia (# 1812) on :

from mousethief:

quote:
Haven't we already had this thread?

Yeah, let's call it a tradition!

Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Moo:
Great One

How does your position as Guardian of the Moral and Theological Fabric of the Space-Time ContinuumTM fit in with your position as Ship's Toilet Cleaner?

Moo

Probably is one of the most important jobs in any household [Big Grin]

Tubbs

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Pyx_e:

I ... had sex ... 3 and a half years ... back

Well, there's no need to boast about, young man. Always bear in mind that some people aren't so fortunate and let this be a lesson in humility to you.

duchess - Calvin was a lawyer, was he not? Read, mark and inwardly digest.

And the rest of you - did they recognise the Son of God in the Man of Sorrows? No! Did they notice Christ coming back as someone called Matilda in South London in 1977? Of course they didn't! Take heed.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

So, Dyfrig, your royal highly lowliness (or should it be the other way around?), are you ready to take your place as Archbishop of Wales now that Rowan is moving on? Your country needs you - for your intellect, your wit, your Welshness, and your servant humility as toilet cleaner.
Attaboy!

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

And, in your role as big chief GotMaWotsits, please answer my urgent question: We have been informed from the highest authority that heaven is corrupted. Now what do we all do? [Help]

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
And, in your role as big chief GotMaWotsits, please answer my urgent question: We have been informed from the highest authority that heaven is corrupted. Now what do we all do?

This point has already been answered in the Fourth Vision of Fatima (the one about the goat).

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

Thanks, that was as clear as mud. Next time I have a really pressing question that I want answered clearly, I will call an ambulance (Rev.G.Ambulance to be precise.........)

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :

Your Highlikeness, I will begin reading at once. You knowledge is terrifying.

Posted by Blue (# 3067) on :

Dear GuardianOfMothFabric and stuff

Please would you let us know the names of the people who appointed you to your lofty posish so that we can give them a hearty vote of thanks.

Ta gratefully,

Mr Blue

Posted by tomb (# 174) on :

Dear Whazzits:

I have received your first check by registered international post. Thank you very much for your promptness. At your earliest possible convenience, please fax the pertinent pages from your ledger. It's not that I don't trust you, it's merely that I don't trust you.

By the way, you have the handwriting of a sociopath. Just thought you should know.

Also, next time please convert all amounts from Sterling to US$. I prefer not to deal with odd money.

tomb
your landlord

Posted by Ultraspike (# 268) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Thanks, that was as clear as mud. Next time I have a really pressing question that I want answered clearly, I will call an ambulance (Rev.G.Ambulance to be precise.........)

And was Rev. Amby any more helpful to you? BTW, where has that charlatan gotten to? I guess fame has turned his head away from his poor deserted flock. Well, as Mae West would say, they come and they go, they go and they come, and always too soon. [Disappointed]

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

Ah, Blue. Dear little Blue. Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue.

No comment.

If you aren't execessively nice to be, Mr b, your next payment will be in that oh-so-credible currency, the Euro.

duchess - you learn quick.

Chorister, let me try and make this simple. As the Prophet said, "In the middle of the night, by the river of dreams, we didn't start the fire, but it's still rock and roll to me that I'm in love with an innocent man."

As for Shambulance, may his time at Canterbury be one of pestilence, plague and humorously shaped boils on his nether regions.

Posted by tomb (# 174) on :

quote:
If you aren't execessively nice to be, Mr b, your next payment will be in that oh-so-credible currency, the Euro.

I'll be excessively nice to you as long as you keep your account current. Thanks eversomuch for understanding.

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :

[Ultra confused]

Posted by babybear (# 34) on :

I really am surprised. It takes gin to tomb mellow, and now it seems, oodles of cash to make him polite.

My Lord Dyfrig, your Grace of Whatzzits, what would it take to make tomb smile or sing a happy tune?

bb

Posted by tomb (# 174) on :

I'll never tell you, you moldy thing.

Posted by Louise (# 30) on :

quote:
what would it take to make tomb smile or sing a happy tune?

Enough concubines to make Mousethief jealous?

Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Louise:

quote:
what would it take to make tomb smile or sing a happy tune?
Enough concubines to make Mousethief jealous?

But I don't desire any concubines.

Reader Alexis

Posted by babybear (# 34) on :

quote:
Originally posted by tomb:
I'll never tell you, you moldy thing.

Such blatant anti-mammalianism! May all your gin evaporate, and may all your money be fool's gold.

bb

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Mousethief:

quote:
Originally posted by Louise:

quote:
what would it take to make tomb smile or sing a happy tune?
Enough concubines to make Mousethief jealous?
But I don't desire any concubines.

Reader Alexis

That's because you don't live in the OT time zone
she says smugly.

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

quote:
Originally posted by babybear:
I really am surprised. It takes gin to tomb mellow, and now it seems, oodles of cash to make him polite.

I think, bb, that you are finally understanding how the Anglican Communion works, particularly the Anglo-Catholic bit of it.

quote:

My Lord Dyfrig, your Grace of Whatzzits, what would it take to make tomb smile or sing a happy tune?

Quite simple - by pushing this thread to the top of the page with gratuitous attacks on fellow Christians.

Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :

Hey, you!

I've decided to nuke the entire world next weekend, just because. I'm taking a group of sycophants; witty, urbane types; and some people I laughingly call friends with me to the moon, to watch the firework display. We'll live up there for a bit, then come back to earth when the nuclear whassits have stopped being deadly.

Do you want a seat on the rocket?
Is there any good* reason why I shouldn't do this?

Viki

*Human life is sacred, or Killing everyone is a sin do not fall into the category of good reasons. Sez me.

Posted by Wood (# 7) on :

Don't nuke the world.

It's where I keep all my stuff.

Posted by Professor Yaffle (# 525) on :

Dear Sarkycow,

It's been tried before. You'll be thwarted at the eleventh hour by James Bond/Dr Who/Hong Kong Phooey.

Anyway, you're no rocket scientist. [Devil]

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

quote:
Originally posted by sarkycow:
Yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah

My dearingest, darlingest, Sarktoria,

There are many people on the Ship who consider you to be an interesting and knowledgeable contributor whose posts are always worth reading.

I suggest you go and talk to them instead.

Yours etc.

Posted by jlg (# 98) on :

Most Esteemed Dyfrig,
Would it be within your Churchly powers to somehow enter the minds of all these "god-fearing" politicians around the world and set them straight?
Your Humble Servant,

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :

quote:
Originally posted by jlg:
somehow enter the minds of all these "god-fearing" politicians around the world and set them straight?

A most interesting question (take note, everybody else).

There is a slight practical problem. The minds of the leaders to whom you refer already appear to be oocupied by 12-foot lizards and the Bildeberg Group (apart from Dweezil Bush, whose mind can only contain a small pretzel, and Tea-Towel Head in Ramallah, whose marbles have been away from home longer than the ones nicked by Lord Elgin).

I was speaking to my colleague, The Controller of World Affairs (Mr Arthur Ploxstead of 23 Snetterton Way, Smegma, Gloucestershire) the other day and he says the only way things are going to change is through the mass introduction of the Tetley's "pyramidical" teabag. But Arthur always was slightly odd, to say the least. He will never get the time machine to work - firstly his shed isn't big enough and anyway the Council will never let him install a plutonium reactor in conservation area.

Er, .... sorry, I don't think I should have told you that.

Anyway, my advice is clear - bathe every day and tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree. If in doubt, press # on your telephone keypad and help will be provided as soon as one of our operatives stops playing "Air on a G String" on the Bontempi organ.

UBB.classic^TM 6.5.0