You will have to use the 'Gather' or 'Together in Song' hymnbooks.
Even so, the reasons we bond to churches are myriad and beyond comprehension.
 

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Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
DTCMCB you will be press ganged into the choir if you can sing, esp if you happen to be male.

Failing this, if you are under 30 you will be pressganged into being a server/reader/intercessor. If you are extraordinarily unfortunate, and happen to be young and vibrant you will be voted onto the parish council.

Should mention that we have stacks of incense too...
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Hey Nunc, hands off that new chorister, we got to him first!
 

---

Posted by sakura (# 1449) on :
 
DCTMCB we serve gherkin canapes and stale biscuits.
 

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Posted by Ham'n'Eggs (# 629) on :
 
Dctmc because:

• You'll be told (not asked) to turn to the person next to you and tell them something banal
• You'll be asked to stand up if you give 10 percent of your income to the church, and then if you remain sitting, you will be publically told in front of everyone that you should start actually doing what the Bible says
• At the tailend of an interminable, rambling, and exegesis-free discourse on "The Thoughts That Popped Into My Head Direct From The Holy Spirit And Should Therefore Be Obeyed By You Lot", you will be asked to form a circle with four complete strangers, tell them deeply personal things about yourself, and have manipulative prayer directed at you. Failure to participate will make you stand out like a sore thumb...
• Unless you are periodically waving your hands in the air and shuffling from one foot to another, the worship leader will pause after the ninth rendition of "Take Us To The River" to solomnly share the revelation that God has vouchsafed to him that "There Are People Here Today Who Have Not Been Released Into The Joy That Is Freedom In Worship", harangue the congregation for their hardness of heart for ten minutes, and then fix a beady eye upon you for the next twenty-seven repetitions. Woe betide you if you don't make like the Green Goddess on fast-forward...
• If you hang around for 17 years and then inform the leadership that you'd like to take some time out to get more perspective, there is every chance that you will be told "If you are not with us, you're against us". And all the home group leaders will be told that you have left (although you are unaware of the fact.
  

Still my church? I thought that it was. But it seems that I am in a minority of 0.25...
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
If that really is your church H&E, then you poor thing. However did you manage to remain sane?

On second thoughts, having just visited your profile, I think I have the answer to that question........

(Runs and hides from madpig)
 

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Posted by Olorin (# 2010) on :
 
H&E: they do say that the church gets the peope it deserves, and clearly they deserve you - poor things.
 

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Posted by Ham'n'Eggs (# 629) on :
 
All right - who are "they"? Names and addresses please. Now.

And I must warn you that I have a black belt in origami...
 

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Posted by Birdie (# 2173) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ham'n'Eggs:
Dctmc because:

ooooohhhh that makes me cross!

much sympathy.

bird
 

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Posted by Traveller (# 1943) on :
 
DCTMC because... the Treasurer has just died after 20 years service and anyone who can add 2 and 2 to come up with anything close to 4 is in line for being press ganged into the post.



(Sounds of car engine revving and squeal of tyres...)
 

---

Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Traveller:
DCTMC because... the Treasurer has just died after 20 years service and anyone who can add 2 and 2 to come up with anything close to 4 is in line for being press ganged into the post.



(Sounds of car engine revving and squeal of tyres...)

---

Just tell them you can't count to 21 without getting nekkid!!

Viki
 

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Posted by Alaric the Goth (# 511) on :
 
DCTMCB:
- there are no hymn/songbooks, all the words to choruses (and the occasional hymn) appearing on the overhead projector, so if you sit too far back, you won't be able to read:
'And in His presence, our problems disappear'...

- you will go to sleep if one of the regular preachers preaches (a really nice chap, and v. sound, but.. zzzz)
- you will (very occasionally) get me preaching (if you go in the evening)
- the signboard outside has dreadful puns on topical themes (World Cup references to saving, goals in llife etc.)
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
DCTMC........ because the one down the road is much better, more exciting, has younger people, has better parties.......
 

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Posted by Nightlamp (# 266) on :
 
On the TICT thread this was found.

quote:

---

TICTH the crushing irony of finally starting a thread that may make more than 12 posts to have its theme hijacked and another anti-thread started which is much better and funnier than my thread but should be in Hell but I can’t say so because I have recently posted to the effect that shipmates should not post about threads that should be moved

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chapelhead:
DCTMCB if you pick the wrong week you'll see me leading the first half of the service.

---

Tell us where it is and we promise not to mystery worship

[Someone else's personal information deleted]

DCTMC because my Kids will use you as a climbing frame.

[ 18 July 2002, 00:02: Message edited by: RuthW ]
 

---

Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
DCTMCB:

I will be there.
 

---

Posted by Ham'n'Eggs (# 629) on :
 
[personal information deleted]

[ 18 July 2002, 00:04: Message edited by: RuthW ]
 

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Posted by Aardvark (# 2295) on :
 
DCTMCB the vicar will immediately home in on you at the end of the service despite your attempts to slip surreptitiously out of the door and as he warmly shakes your hand, he will bellow, "So where are you right now in your walk with the Lord?..."
 

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Posted by Qestia (# 717) on :
 
Mmm--now that this is in hell I'll share another. Not *my* church but something I experienced visiting another:

DCTMCB on the Sunday closest to Mother's Day because we will be displaying humungous posters of aborted fetuses.

I fear this mave have taken some of the humor out of this thread.
 

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Posted by Sigmund (# 3002) on :
 
dctmcb we will patronise "third world" continents by saying we will send out people to tell them about God. My experience is that Africa is a much more Christian place than Britain and we should be "the Mission field" but you seem to be only able to get 19c attitudes from a 19c building.

Who do we think we are sitting in a church built on money ripped off from our occupation of those countries we now want to lead to the Lord?! Sorry, it just really gets me.
 

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Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :
 
DCTMCB you're running from something in yours. We have too many of those already.

Reader Alexis
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
Oooo! Ouch!

And I bet most of 'em are Episcopalians.

[ 16 July 2002, 23:12: Message edited by: tomb ]
 

---

Posted by Mousethief (# 953) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by tomb:
And I bet most of 'em are Episcopalians.

---

I fear you are correct.

Reader Alexis
 

---

Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
And lemme guess:

Most of them wish the Orthodox Church would become more like what they wish the Episcopal church were--as opposed to becoming more Orthodox themselves.
 

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Posted by Arietty (# 45) on :
 
DCTMCB

It's a prison Chapel and everyone will notice you and ask you minute details about your personal life which you will answer because you feel embarassed about appearing uncommunicative.

You will then suffer agonies about whether you have a) been too distant and 'unchristian' b) encouraged people to burgle you next time you are away.
 

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Posted by Tea Monkey (# 2942) on :
 
DCTMCB

The perfume worn by some members causes blurred vision and shortness of breath in people with sensitive noses.

And based on a past experience, DCTMCB one individual uses the period for expressing joys and concerns as an opportunity to criticize others.
 

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Posted by simon 2 (# 1524) on :
 
DCTMCB

It's perfect and you'll only screw it up for everybody else.
 

---

Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 
The Coot and Ham n'Eggs:

You two have given me the best laugh I've had in years!
 

---

Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
DCTMCB because I don't want you to come to my church, is that clear?
 

---

Posted by Snow White (# 2390) on :
 

quote:

---

DCTMCB ...... if you ask "where's the church?" no one could tell you but if you ask "where's the fire station ?" they would tell you and you would find our church

---

• if you sit where i sit, the ministers head gets framed on three sides by the box and arm of the OHP, which is all rather distracting
  
• i shall make a scene when you sit on me
  
  clare

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rhyzome:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chapelhead:
DCTMCB if you pick the wrong week you'll see me leading the first half of the service.

---

Tell us where it is and we promise not to mystery worship

---

Enough information has been given elsewhere, and the first week in August is a good time to avoid.

DCTMCB - It's a long way from almost anywhere, so by the time you get here you'll want the loo and until we build new vestries we don't have one.

DCTMCB - the scheme of service times for us and our sister church is so complex that you'll never turn up at the right place - and it gets worse during the Rector's August holiday.
 

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Posted by Lux Mundi (# 1981) on :
 
DCTMCB I will be holiday, and not there for the next 2 Sundays - How will they cope???

Still if someone wants to keep my seat warm I sit 4th row from the front, on the Left (stage right), on the side nearest the Aisle. Remember though that I will want my seat back when I come back tho !!!

Loopy Lux
 

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Posted by mysticlisa (# 2867) on :
 
DCTMCB you'll arrive at the wrong time unless someone has told you services start at 8, 9:45 and 11:15

DCTMCB you'll never find a parking place unless you time it just right between services

DCTMCB you will be greeted warmly by at least 6 people before you get to the entrance of the sanctuary

DCTMCB your kids won't want to go home and your teenagers will want to come back again that evening

DCTMCB you will like it and want to stay and we really don't have any more room until we finish our new building
 

---

Posted by Toadpipe (# 1688) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Aardvark:
DCTMCB the vicar will immediately home in on you at the end of the service despite your attempts to slip surreptitiously out of the door and as he warmly shakes your hand, he will bellow, "So where are you right now in your walk with the Lord?..."

---

Mind your own f***ing business, I might reply but that could trigger off an exorcism
 

---

Posted by Edward Green (# 46) on :
 
DCTMC Because you are bound to find a city center church that more exactly matches your tradition.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
DCTMCB the fact that a large number of the people there have grey or white hair might matter to you more than the fact that they are valued as individuals, to God and to the church, no matter what their age.
 

---

Posted by Laudate Dominum (# 3104) on :
 
DCTMCB The interior reminds one of a modernist's interpretation of a cave.

DCTMCB Our new pastor was a businessman in his "other" life and is very good at public relations. We also sometimes cater to his taste in music (white gospel).

DCTMCB You will be press-ganged into the choir if you so much as open your mouth during the songs.

DCTMCB The entire soprano section of the choir will be lost without me when I leave for college next month.
 

---

Posted by Quizmaster (# 1435) on :
 
They just started another Alpha course and the regulars are worried that it might introduce Christianity to the place.
 

---

Posted by OgtheDim (# 3200) on :
 
DCTMB I'm going to ask you if you like a certain book in the NT and all those giving positive answers get to teach my Sunday School class.


 

---

Posted by zephirine of the roses (# 3323) on :
 
dctmc unless you like the worship music LOUD!!!!!



(joyful noise at full volume!)
 

---

Posted by Gracia (# 1812) on :
 
dctmc unless you have brought a pillow for your rear & earplugs - OR unless you have the cojones to walk out when you've had enough (I don't usually have requisite cojones). It is very unlikely you will have the stamina of the rest of our congregation!
 

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Posted by MCC (# 3137) on :
 
DCTMCB you may not like the unique Baroque paintings, Handel's organ, Duke's pew and mausoleum! (Grinling Gibbons carvings are in some doubt!)

But if you would like them we're open every sunday afternoon anyway, so you don't have to do the God thing!
 

---

Posted by shoewoman (# 1618) on :
 
DCTMCB the chairs are so comfortable that they should be called penitent benches.
 

---

Posted by Gambit (# 766) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Aardvark:
DCTMCB the passing of the peace goes on for about 10 minutes as people walk across the church to hug friends and have a good old gossip. Being new, you will not be able to do this and you will remain rooted to your pew feigning a sudden intense interest in the notice sheet, feeling like a sad and lonely social outcast.

---

DCTMCB the same thing happens, but if you're new, you'll be included and we don't just shake hands...sometimes we hug or...[dramatic music] greet each other with a holy kiss[/dramatic music]
 

---

Posted by auntbeast (# 377) on :
 
DCTM(former)CB

- during the infernal passing of the peace, when you are never sure when free wheeling hugging of complete stranger will break out, you will be spotted as a visitor and when you answer that you come from the AC left-leaning gay advocating parish downtown, the uptight prig you are speaking to will say "oh" and refuse to shake your hand.

- a notable local educator will spend 20 mintes waxing (not so) poetic about what the "gay agenda" is for your city (to destroy your families according to the nameless theolog)

- during the prayers the squeaky little fundy breeder from bible school who is leading will have all the couples stand up and pray that they will raise their children to know the Lord and then make all the singles stand up and pray for godly spouses. (Needless to say there was a small riot of happy singles and childless-by-choice couples who were vying to get at his scrawny little neck at the coffee hour, probably the only thing that saved his life was that none of us could bring ourselves to kill him in front of his children)

- when you point out to the rector that referring to "liberals" as "the enemy" during the welcome tea was not very welcoming, you will be invited to have him pray with you in his very private office two floor up above the sanctuary where no one can hear you scream...and will have to spend the whole time thinking "man of man, if I was mean, one little comment about sexual impropriety and buddy's goose is cooked!"
(no I didn't, I'm not that mean)

They did have some redeeming features but I am much happier at the AC left-leaning church where the visitors who got the "oh treatment" in point one came from.

All good things,
Auntbeast
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Zealous Convert:
dctmcb

• we'll make you dance
• the deacons wear tie-dyed vestments
• lots of hugging
• pressure to do lots of things
• you're probably not cool enough

Katie

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nightlamp:
I can't tell you how much I hate that circular thing that follows the mouse around on your church's web site.

---

(As this is Hell after all)

It bugs the hell out of me too.
Yeah Chorister, what the heck is THAT about?
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Re: above:



It's like an alphabet Ho-down!
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nightlamp:
I can't tell you how much I hate that circular thing that follows the mouse around on your church's web site.

---

Well, If you visit my church in reality, a Letterland circle will follow you about, into the pew, up to the Altar rail and to the back for coffee. Rumour has it that it is a mysteron, left behind in the 60s after Captain Scarlet paid a visit.

Alternatively, if you must know, it is a teenage thing - and the lad who invented it (now moved away) thinks it is awfully clever!

BTW has anyone done a study to show how many people prefer virtually visiting churches rather than in real life?
 

---

Posted by incurablyGeek (# 3207) on :
 
DCTMC(TS 20-Oct) B:

Key members (keyboardist and bassist) of the regular band are away, we haven't even met the replacement bassist yet and the replacement keyboardist commented last night "I've never heard THOSE songs sung before in church ...", the band leader and lead guitarist ran off towards the end of the practice to pray to the porcelein God (coming down with something) and to top it off, there are only 3 singers showing up (oh how nice... a Trio! I feel like Tony Orlando and Dawn).

Oy. This doesn't look good.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
That is the very day that a Mystery Worshipper would decide to show up, IncurablyG

Don't come to my church because you would all find it terribly boring........
 

---

Posted by dizzy-one (# 2933) on :
 
DCTMC becuase
If you are an outsider to the village there is a 90% chance that you will be looked at like you are some alien life form...

This is a local church, for local people...

And I promise I don't live in Royston Vasey!!
 

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Posted by dizzy-one (# 2933) on :
 
Oops I missed a bit (can you guess where I got my nickname?) The League of Gentlemen quote should have read...

This is A Local Church for Local People. There is nothing for you here.

Dizzy by name...

 

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Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Because all of the sermons recently are about how the parish needs your money!
 

---

Posted by MCC (# 3137) on :
 

quote:

---

Because all of the sermons recently are about how the parish needs your money!

---

And speaking as a parish treasurer, all the ones for the next year should be!
 

---

Posted by adso (# 2895) on :
 
DCTMCB if you come with a young family, a certain nauseatingly positive member of the church will explain to me at length what a perfect church we have because we're the only church in half the UK that successfully attracts kids (yes, yes, yes, i KNOW that is not the case, but he genuinely believes it)... and if you fall into any other category he'll use it as evidence for how inclusive we are.

(I've already explained on a thread in purgatory some of my misgivings about increasing numbers of bums on seats justifying everything.)
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
DCTMCB you're not worthy.


 

---

Posted by David (# 3) on :
 
DNCTMCB it's full of Freaks.

Like every other church.
 

---

Posted by Aethelburt (# 3462) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Qestia:
DCTMCB we'll embarass you by asking everyone visiting our church for the first time to stand and "be welcomed".

---

 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
DCTMCB we are a small country parish. We practically invented the word parochial. Why would you want to come here?
 

---

Posted by Raspberry Rabbit (# 3080) on :
 
All right - a joke - because this is hell and I'm ornery and can do what I like.

Dolly Pond Apostolic Church of Pentecost. Sunday. The preacher notices that there are three new couples in church and he asks them to come forward. Do they intend to join the congregation? Yes they say - we'd all like to join.

Fine, says the pastor. Here at Dolly Pond Apostolic Church of Pentecost we ask our new candidates for membership to undergo a week long period of fasting, prayer and abstinence to ascertain whether or not the Lord is really calling them to membership. They must pray, they must fast and they must abstain from all sexual congress for a week.

The first couple - well on in years - are philosophical about the whole thing. They've not much of a sex life after all and so they agree.

The second couple - only just into middle age grumble a bit and state that they find this last requirement a little excessive *but* if the pastor insists they'll give it a go.

The third couple are quite young - newly married, as a matter of fact - and protest loudly.

"I'm sorry" says the pastor "that's the way we do things at Dolly Pond Apostolic Church of Pentecost".

Next sunday rolls by - all three couples are present in the church again. The pastor calls them up to the front.

"Well" he asks the first couple, "how did it go"

"Well pastor we prayed and we fasted and yes we believe we are called to membership here".

"And the abstinence?" asks the pastor?

"No problem - we didn't even notice it"

"Well then you're welcome at Dolly Pond Apostolic Church of Pentecost"

He asks the second couple the same thing.

"Well, Pastor, it was difficult. The prayer and the fasting were not a problem but my wife and I love each other very much and it was difficult. However, we prevailed and we'd like to become members"

"You too are welcome at Dolly Pond Apostolic Church of Pentecost"

The third couple had a sheepish look on their faces.

"Well pastor - we were doing *so* well!" said the young husband. "Day three and four became difficult, day five was hell, day six insufferable. On day seven my wife was leaning over the freezer to take out a frozen meal and she looked so lovely I just had to take here right there and then!"

"I'm sorry" said the pastor 'you're not welcome at Dolly Pond Apostolic Church of Pentecost"

"That's okay, Pastor" said the husband, "we're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either"



Raspberry Rabbit
Montreal, QC
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
ROFL!


 

---

Posted by Melchizedec (# 2073) on :
 
dctmcb somebody burned it down.



Actually that might be a really good reason to come and visit us in the school we're using now... the congregation has lost interest... ohhhh, how depressing...

On the plus side we've been havign paper-aeroplane competitions every Sunday and you shouldn't ctmcb I will beat you hands down.
 

---

Posted by Atlanta (# 2659) on :
 
DCTMC..... Unless you are going to stay!!

We need more people!!!!
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Raspberry Rabbit...


 

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