Thread: Heaven: The Soap Opera Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.
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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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[Most posters think of the Heaven Board as a place of whimsey and fluffy bunnies, but behind the scenes there is backbiting intrigue! Forbidden passions! Secret crimes! Triumph over adversity! Let's tune in...]
Icarus/The Coot: ...I tell you, Heaven has to diversify, or we'll be trampled by the other Boards!
Belisarius < leaning back in seat with fingertips pressed together >: And I tell you that our poster base is solid. The worst possible thing to do is to start acting desperate. When another "Bible in Limerick" comes along, we will promote it appropriately--
Icarus/The Coot: I don't know what you have up your sleeve, but if you fall I'm not going to dragged down with you. When Viola was here--
< Belisarius slams fist on table; Icarus/The Coot is momentarily stunned into silence >
Belisarius: ...you will kindly remember that I am senior Host now < lip curls > and I plan to remain so < cue ominous music >...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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< Meanwhile... >
Smudgie: Thank you so much for fixing my UBB Code.
Stoo: My pleasure--I'm just sorry it took so long. < stares soulfully into Smudgie's eyes > Sometimes I think the other Hosts have forgotten what Heaven is all about...
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
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One fluffy bunny hops across the set. She smiles whimsically at Stoo and Smudgie ![[Love]](graemlins/lovedrops.gif)
.
Belisarius, on the other hand is pinned to the wall with a basilisk-like stare. ![[Paranoid]](graemlins/paranoid.gif)
Just you try it on, sonny!
Posted by Pheonix (# 2782) on
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*cheers Miffy on*
Go, girl, go! You can have him!!!
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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< Belisarius notices the bunny; after making sure no one else is around takes out cell phone >
Belisarius: Hello, Sarkycow?--I have a job for you...
< the bunny, overhearing, flees >
Smudgie: Aw, why did the bunny run away?
Stoo: I can guess--oh, if I ran Heaven < stares soulfully into Smudgie's eyes > it wouldn't be a heartless prison where the posters are just numbers. If I only had the chance--
Smudgie: Oh, Stoo! < tries to embrace him >
Stoo: Please, Smudgie! It wouldn't be right...
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
*Bunny peeps back round the door and glares at Belisarius*
Don't think you've seen the last of me - Oh no! ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif)
This bunny's not for turning!" ![[Devil]](graemlins/devil.gif)
Posted by Stoo (# 254) on
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<Smudgie wells up, and rushes off. Stoo sits there, staring meaningfully into the camera.>
Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on
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Bags I the role of fearless land-lady who dishes out cups of tea and gets to hear all about it while exclaiming "Crickey" every so often in a comedy accent. It does seem my lot in soap opera life ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Mrs Tubbs
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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Icarus/The Coot: I must get in contact with Smudgie--she would be most valuable in rallying the posters to my side. But I have to be careful about this...
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on
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In heaven, even the angels are not what they seem:
![[Angel]](graemlins/angel.gif)
![[Two face]](graemlins/scot_twoface.gif)
[Good commercial!]
[ 08. January 2003, 18:38: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posted by Spike (# 36) on
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<BANG>
Stoo: Oh my God! Icarus/The Coot has been shot!
Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on
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*enters, loudly*
I'm ticked off with the market - you can never find a decent pair of melons when you want to get your hands on them.
*sees Stoo*
What's up mate? Do yer wanna talk about it?
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
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*Meanwhile, back in fluffy bunny land, Miffy gets online*:
To: Pipkin
CC: Astro, Peter, Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail
Re: The Heavenly Hosts
Pip,
S.O.S! Rally the forces! Our heavenly burrow has been invaded. If action not taken we'll be on the host's high table as lapin chasseur! before the day's out.
This is one for none other than the Fierce Bad Rabbit himself.... Superbunny!
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
< Spike and Mrs. Tubbs run to the unconscious Icarus/Coot >
Spike < checking wound >: Thank God! It's only a flesh wound!
Mrs. Tubbs: Blimey, a body can't walk the threads anymore! I'll get some bandages then...
Icarus/Coot < coming around >: Where...am I?
Spike: It's OK--help is coming.
Icarus/Coot: Who am I?...
Posted by jedijudy (# 1059) on
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Shipmate number 1059 goes to the microphone.
"Calling Mr. Superbunny. Is there a Superbunny in the house?"
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on
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<in an dodgy dealing/up-to-no-good voice>
'Ere, Miffy.... I gavva you wanna little job done. I know this geezer, the killer bunny (yer know like, that rabbit wiv a'itude from Monty Python), 'e mite be innerested. Want me to giv 'im a call?
Posted by Stoo (# 254) on
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Stoo: Icarus! Are you ok? Who did this to you?
Posted by Icarus (The Coot) (# 220) on
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Icarus (struggling to remain at post): Ahhh. Ergh. I must get back... there is a whole 6 pages of Word Association to check. It's critical. Must keep reading... (lapses into delirium)
Posted by JoyFill (# 3851) on
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JoyFill, as undercover agent Rosencrantz, enters
Did I hear a gun go off? Has Health & Safety been called?
Posted by Icarus (The Coot) (# 220) on
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Icarus (still delirious tortured by horrible dreams): Ahhh. Must keep reading... books... Shakespeare... weapons... sword... sorcery... wand... fairy... Ahhhhh. Release me, Smilie Sisters!
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
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quote:
Originally posted by kingsfold:
<in an dodgy dealing/up-to-no-good voice>
'Ere, Miffy.... I gavva you wanna little job done. I know this geezer, the killer bunny (yer know like, that rabbit wiv a'itude from Monty Python), 'e mite be innerested. Want me to giv 'im a call?
Umm ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
I was thinking more of one of Beatrix Potter's creations actually. Still, any port in a storm, eh? I trust you to get on with the job whilst I log off and see to the casserole (beef not bunny btw)for the little Miffys.
Posted by Icarus (The Coot) (# 220) on
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Belisarius < still on cell phone > : Oh. Sorry. The situation seems to have cleared itself up.
Sarkycow: What the -censored- !! You never come through for me boy! I tolerate you because you provide me with amusement. In a feeble sort of way. Hell's the top of the heap and don't you forget it!
Where's that rabbit burrow? I've got a kettle full of boiling water here.
Posted by Icarus (The Coot) (# 220) on
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< Enter Fr. Pyx_e in procession of the blessed sacrament with his faithful acolyte Ms Ultraspike, ringing bell. The faithful all drop to their knees, crossing themselves>
Fr. Pyx_e: Someone summoned me, is there a need for extreme unction here?
Ms Rosencrantz < Rifling through Coot/Ick's wallet > : Oh my god? There's a card here that says that in the event of accident he does not want to be ministered to by a woman? Who'd've thought?
Stoo: Excuse me, Fr. Pyx_e, I don't mean to seem indelicate... but could you lift your cassock?
Fr. Pyx_e: WHAT?
Stoo: Alternatively, are you now, or have you ever been a woman?
Fr. Pyx_e: HOW DARE YOU! <punches him squarely on jaw knocking him unconscious to the floor>
Ms Rosencrantz: Oh my god? Does anyone have an accident report form?
.
[Edit: Ms Rosencrantz (Joyfill in disguise) ]
[ 08. January 2003, 18:18: Message edited by: Icarus (The Coot) ]
Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on
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Smudgie <wiping tear from corner of eye> : Oh how can I help Stoo take over his rightful role as senior Heavenly host? He is by far the most angelic of the three.
Posted by nicolemrw (# 28) on
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*enters, stage left* um, hello everybody. i'm the representative from the society for prevention of cruelty to fluffy bunnies. we heard some reports of damage, both real and threatened, to fluffy bunnies hereabouts. does anyone have any information on that?
Posted by Icarus (The Coot) (# 220) on
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Mrs Tubbs < Returning with bandages sees kingsfold wandering in the corridor mumbling about bunnies > : Here laddie, what's going on?
kingsfold: rabbit. killer bunny. call, call.
Mrs Tubbs: Crikey, that's 2 delirious. < Puts on rubber glove and takes him by the hand > Come with me laddie! I'll get the doctors to have a look at you.
Rabbit Inspector (nicolemrw): What's that about rabbits?
Mrs Tubbs: Oh here's the good doctors now!
Dr Mr Grumble: It looks grave, Dr multipara.
Dr multipara: I think we need a specimen.
kingsfold: rabbiiiiiiit.
Dr Mr Grumble: Don't worry little man, this won't hurt a bit.
Posted by Stoo (# 254) on
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Stoo: <rubbing his head> Owww, my head! Father Pyx-e, I demand you apologise, otherwise, I shall be forced to retaliate, in the strongest terms.
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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< Annoyed, Belisarius shuts off his phone >
It's still too early, but someday Sarkycow will be quite dispensible...
< Discovers the growing crowd around Coot and Stoo >
This was not part of the plan! The Admins will have a field day with this!...
[cross-post-related stuff removed]
[ 08. January 2003, 18:54: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posted by nicolemrw (# 28) on
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*musess* "killer.... rabbit..." hmmmmm....
rabbit killer! where?
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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Smudgie: I'll make Stoo accept my help! If not for me--for Heaven!
< runs to find him >
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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< ChrisT is searching for Stoo >
Hey mate, wheredja go?...why did that gunshot have to go off just when he was about to spill the beans?...
Posted by Icarus (The Coot) (# 220) on
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< In another part of town at the Dimittis Tattaria >
Ms Dimittis: Good morning Bp Rascal! I have finished your frock coat!
Bp Rascal: You are truly a gem, my child.
Ms Dimittis: < Hurries to present it, trips over the tails and lands on top of him. There is a cracking of glass >
Bp Rascal: Holy Family preserve us! The Precious Blood has been spilt down the front of my trousers!
Ms Dimittis: Oh Your Grace! And down the front of my Victorian bodice!
Bp Rascal: There's nothing for it, my child. We'll have to cut the pieces out and burn them in the fire.
< Ms Dimittis completes cutting out the soaked pieces of cloth. Just then the door crashes open >
Dr Cosmo: Ah ha! Rascal, I have been following you for months waiting for such an opportunity.
< There is photographic flash >
Dr Cosmo: Did you catch them, Miss Greta?
Miss Greta < smiling with satisfaction, camera in hand and surrounded by a flock of corgis > Yes, Dr Cosmo.
Ms Dimittis < bursts into tears > : What is going on, Your Grace?
Bp Rascal < Through gritted teeth > : It's the evil Dr Cosmo - he seeks to take the Holy Throne of Sydniensis for his Particular Evangelical faction.
Dr Cosmo: Let's see what the Ecclesiastical Court makes of these photos, shall we?
Bp Rascal: You will not prevail Cosmo! When I tell them it was all on account of the Precious Blood I will be exonerated!
Dr Cosmo: Would this be your travelling Communion Kit, Your Grace? -- It wasn't the Precious Blood, you fool!
Ms Dimittis: No! < faints >
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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< Scene fades... >
Icarus/Coot <still delirious>: Fools! Pitting yourself against me, Dr. Cosmo! Sooner I'd let my thurible get tarnished than be vanquished!
Spike: Oh No! Tatophilia has set in!
< half the crowd runs away shrieking, sweeping away Pyx_e in the process. Smudgie discovers the scene >
Smudgie: Oh, my poor Stoo! Has that horrible Coot attacked you??...
[word change]
[ 09. January 2003, 00:57: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posted by The Riv (# 3553) on
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Erin strides in, obviously agitated:
What the f***?!? What the h*** is going on up here?!? What god***n son-of-a-b**** s***head a**hole brought a loaded gun into Heaven?!? That's it -- I'm pi**ed off now! Stay the h*** out of my way or I'll kick all your sorry a**es. I'll find the bas**** who did this and they'll rue the god***m day they were even a god***n itch in their bas***d father's god***m pants. S***! F***! I'm gettin' the h*** outa here, but I'll be back, and with a god***n vengance, you can bet you a**!
Exits with a flurry of explitives.
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
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quote:
Originally posted by The Riv:
Erin strides in, obviously agitated:
What the f***?!? What the h*** is going on up here?!? What god***n son-of-a-b**** s***head a**hole brought a loaded gun into Heaven?!? That's it -- I'm pi**ed off now! Stay the h*** out of my way or I'll kick all your sorry a**es. I'll find the bas**** who did this and they'll rue the god***m day they were even a god***n itch in their bas***d father's god***m pants. S***! F***! I'm gettin' the h*** outa here, but I'll be back, and with a god***n vengance, you can bet you a**!
Exits with a flurry of explitives.
*Heavenly choir bursts into And there was War in Heaven*
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
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End of Episode One?
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on
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Episode 2: The Fall.
Naughty angels - and guns get kicked out of heaven ![[Waterworks]](graemlins/bawling.gif)
. Good angels - and fluffy bunnies get to stay. ![[Yipee]](graemlins/spin.gif)
Posted by Stoo (# 254) on
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(What channel is this woman watching?!)
Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on
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Stoo, mate, just the man! I've just seen Smudgie in tears running towards Pyx_e's house - what's wrong?
Did she find out about the ... the ... you know ... the thing?
Posted by Stoo (# 254) on
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Stoo: No, Chris, you know I could never tell anyone about that!
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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[Not quite done yet]
Belisarius: Time for some damage control...
< ducks out of thread containing Coot, Stoo, Spike, and ChrisT and returns to the secretly-located Board Announcer >
Belisarius <announces>: THE "WHO SHOT ICARUS/COOT?" THREAD IS TEMPORARILY CLOSED. IN COMPENSATION, THE PAGE LIMIT ON THE GAME THREADS IS NOW 15 PAGES.
This should give me some breathing space before Erin comes back...
[partial cross-post]
[ 08. January 2003, 21:49: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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Spike: Oh no! We're trapped!
Icarus/Coot <still raving>: I'll decide the temperature of the baptismal font!...
Stoo: This is madness! Does Belisarius think he can get away with this?...
ChrisT: Well, he might if he knows about your...you know...
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
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quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
Episode 2: The Fall.
Naughty angels - and guns get kicked out of heaven . Good angels - and fluffy bunnies get to stay.
I'm off to bed. Somebody understudy for me, please.
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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< Mrs. Tubbs, Kingsfold and Doctors Multipara and Mr. Grumble appear >
Mrs. Tubbs: We couldn't get out!
Coot < twisting with fever >: Imbecile!--You probably have rayon in your cassock!
Dr. Multpara: Good Lord! Tatophilia in its advanced stages! < dons surgical mask > We have to get this Host to treatment before it's too late!
Kingfold: Would applying a precious raaaabbit work?
Stoo < pushes Kingsfold out of the way > I tell you, Belisarius has gone mad with power! If only Smudgie were here!--no, it's my solemn duty as a Host not to involve her in this danger...
[word change]
[ 09. January 2003, 00:58: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posted by WorkInProgress (# 3597) on
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*Two random Passers-By walk in wearing t-shirts, shorts and Jesus-sandals*
<1st PB> Look - that man's got an extra hole!
<2nd PB> Could be developing a stigmata
<1st PB> Nah - looks more like a gunshot wound to me...
<2nd PB> So who done it then?
<1st PB> I reckon it was that Wood fellow that shot him you know...
*The words 'Who shot The Coot?' appear briefly on the screen*
*The two Passers-By exit*
Posted by sabine (# 3861) on
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<music swells>
"I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy...."
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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Dr. mr Grumble < looking down at Ick/Coot >: Poor devil--what nightmarish visions is he going through now?
< Scene change fade in >
Ms. Dimittis < tossing a thurible to Bp Rascal >: Quickly, your Grace! Use this incense left over from the Feast of Saint Rubberbabybuggybumper!
Bp Rascal: How did you get that??
Ms. Dimittis: It matters not! Hurry!! It will always aid the pure of heart!!
< Bp Rascal swings the thurible near Dr. Cosmo's face >
Dr. Cosmo: AAAAAGH!! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!!...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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[Originally posted by Sarkycow]
Sarkycow wanders through the thread. Tat demons leap from Icarus and she passes. They hiss and recoil, and eventually run spitting from the scene.
Sarkycow: My usual fee Bel.
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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Mrs. Tubbs: Crickey! A Hellhost! Saints preserve us!
Sarkycow: Hey--choose a accent and stick with it!
Belisarius < seeing the action from one of many remote cameras > Dammit! Sticking her nose in...I'll have to PM her--
< Sarkycow's cellphone beeps; she goes to the Text Messages: >
FEE IN USL PLAS
BUT NO BONUS
SVCS NOT REQUSTD
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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Stoo < looking earnestly upwards >: Thank God Icarus is out of danger! < gently shakes him > Ick, can you hear us?
Ick/Coot < groggily >: Wha...who's Ick?...I'm...Maria Von Trapp!
Posted by Joan Rasch (# 49) on
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quote:
Originally posted by sabine:
<music swells>
"I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy...."
* mutters in corner, I *will not* get involved in this thread *
Joan [former Nativity Equity Deputy] Rasch
[ ;-) ]
Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on
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<enter Arrietty>
Arrietty: The name's Retty. Arri Retty.
<produces card from trench coat pocket>
Stoo: <reading laboriously> "In the event of my finishing my training, I do not wish to be a woman priest."
Arrietty: Yes, I have seen the light. All I want to do now is womanly things like stroke my cushion covers and decorate my kittens with chain stitch. Oh, hang on, I might have go that the wrong way round.
Posted by Icarus (The Coot) (# 220) on
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Icarus/Coot: The hills are alive.. aaaahhh
Stoo < shocked > : This is worrying!
Dr Multipara: We'll have to call the consultants.
Dr Mr Grumble: Siegfried, MerseyMike, St Sebastian!
Siegfried < sighing and tutting > : It's alright darling. I know for a fact that he *hates* Wizard of Oz. < rolls eyes at other consultants > Rx: 1 playstation.
<MerseyMike drops playstation on top of Coot/Ick who falls into a smiling, peaceful sleep>
Posted by Icarus (The Coot) (# 220) on
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<Elsewhere in the building>
Tigglet: That's $600, Mr Chastmastr. And you get 6 guaranteed introductions, with at least 1 snog per introduction.
Chastmastr: It's just that. Well I... I wanted something a little different.
Tigglet: Oh! < wink > Say no more, ay! < nudge >
<Scene cuts to Tigglet talking to 2 secretaries. In the background can be seen Medics, Stoo, Smudgie, Coot/Maria von Trapp and assorted Theological students, Rabbit-lovers and others>
Tigglet: Go orn luv, join up. 'S free for the ladies.
Ariel: What do you fink I am? Some kinda strumpet?
Nanny Ogg: Ooooh pet! You wanna be careful ya know. I heard a lotta nasty things about those Dating Agencies.
Ariel: You expect me to stand on 2 melons with a gerbil down me blouse singing 'Land of Hope and Glory'?
Tigglet: Orrrr come on, luv, there's 50 bucks innit for ya.
Ariel: 'Ow dare you! I am not some cheap hussy who'll have it away with a strange bloke for $50!
Tigglet: Naaarrr. Nuffink like that. Jus' a peck on the cheek. Then leave 'im with the gerbil and melons. Honest!
<Ariel and Nanny Ogg look at each other>
Tigglet: C'morrn. I'll make it $100.
<Ariel and Nanny Ogg in chorus> : You're on!
Posted by sabine (# 3861) on
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Maria von Trapp: Someone always has to come back from the dead in a soap.
When the plot gets around to it, I want to be someone's long lost twin who has been washed up on a remote island with amnesia and cared for by a fisherman who is really the heir to a fortune but has chosen to come back to this thread only when I can regain my memory of...of...
<contract discussions, agent asks for more money and better story lines>
and then I regain my memory of...of...
<music, commercial, preferably for ginkgo biloba>
sabine
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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[ ![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
to last two posts ]
< Meanwhile, at the Control Center >
Belisarius: ...It was inevitable they would escape through one of the tangents. No matter. As long as Stoo is there "supervising," the Admins won't pay too much attention.
Ah, Icarus Coot--you could have been a worthy adversary, but now you will go the way of the others. Soon there will be a new Heaven.
Now--to bump up their thread--Sarkycow will decimate it for me and not even realize I should be billed...
[ 09. January 2003, 04:04: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
< Scurrying sound followed by a voice from a heating vent >: I can't believe you're sacrificing Coot like this! When did you become so cold-blooded?
Belisarius: Sheila??
Sheila: Who else?
< the hamster springs onto Belisarius's desk >
Belisarius: You're not supposed to come here--the Admins would have my head for letting a fictional character into here.
Sheila: Coot named me, you heartless bastard!
Belisarius: Sheila, just look at what he's become! What would you have me do?
Sheila: Right--he's only a broken tool to be thrown away.
Belisarius: Don't be so naive. Loyalty counts for nothing in Heaven.
Sheila < calmly >: Bel...when will my turn come?
Belisarius: STOP IT!! < voice breaking > It's for you that I'm doing all this < tenderly strokes Sheila's back with his index finger >...
Posted by kenwritez (# 3238) on
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Belisarius: "Now, to finalize my plans for total world domin--"
<SFX: Vigorous pounding on the door.>
Belisarius: "--shun, what the Hell is it NOW? Coot, go see who it is!"
The Coot shuffles off to the door, rearranging his hump, which makes a suspicious squeak whenever he moves.
<SFX: Door pounding continues.>
Icarus/The Coot: "Just a moment, just a moment!"
Icarus/The Coot fumbles at the knob and swings open the door to reveal Kenwritez standing there, bald head, fluffy beard, nice teeth clamped around an unlit cigar stub, wearing a tatty blue robe and bright orange Garfield (tm) fuzzy slippers.
Kenwritez: "Damn it, how'm I supposeda finish cooking my Lobster Thermidor avec Bechamel Sauce and Oeuvre Fromage avec Parsley et Pomme Fritte and Shrimp Cocktail with all this noise up here?"
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
< Flashback ends >
Belisarius: Ah, yes, those were the days--even back then Coot had a genius for character acting. He even converted the hump to a double entendre on the Dating--dammit, Sheila, don't try to weaken me! When it is all over, you'll thank me!...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
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< meanwhile... >
Stoo: I have to warn the Admins--but I can't leave Icarus here in this state! Belisarius is just waiting to declare him unfit for hosting! If only I could trust someone enough to relay the message < gazes soulfully > or maybe borrow someone's cell phone < gazes soulfully some more >...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Smudgie: Please, Pyx_e, you have join me in helping Stoo--
Pyx_e: That wanker?? I don't think so!
Smudgie: But Heaven's in trouble!
Starbelly < suddenly appearing >: It is as I feared then!
Smudgie: It's Former Host Starbelly!
Starbelly: Yes--Pyx_e, now is the time to think of the Greater Good...
Posted by Icarus (The Coot) (# 220) on
:
<Camera focusses on Stoo his face strained with deep concern for Heaven. Suddenly there is a swell of music a la triumphant angelic choirs as Heaven opens. Enter the Revd Anselmina animatedly discussing theology with the Revd Amos>
The Revd Anselmina: Can I be of some assistance?
Stoo: I must alert the admins, but I have to guard Icarus Coot so he doesn't fall into the hands of the Enemy - we 3 are required: The One of Absolute Good, The One of Absolute Evil and... uh.. The Coot - no one must gain the upper hand or Heaven's very fabric will be torn asunder.
The Revd Anselmina: Why, let us wait here then. I'm sure we will be more than a match for anyone that comes along.
Ms Rosencrantz: No! A woman priest!
The Revd Amos: 2 actually.
Ari Retty: And a theological student.
The Revd Amos < to Anselmina > : You might want to apply the aspergillium.
The Revd Anselmina: Good thinking. < sprinkles Icarus Coot >
Ari Retty: At least it didn't sizzle.
Icarus Coot < stirring > : What is this dew that falls from Heaven and what art thou fair creature of unearthly beauty?
The Revd Anselmina: A woman priest.
Icarus Coot: Ahhhhhhh! <recovering> Then I want only to be ministered to by women priests ever after. <faints with delight>
Ms Rosencrantz: He does tend to do the sleeping, unconscious, fainting thing a fair bit.
Ari Retty: That's how it is with Heaven's Himbos. Not very verbal so they hafta sit around looking pretty.
Stoo: To the Admins!
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on
:
It's no good - I'm going to have to turn off. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Never could cope with too much reality TV. Somebody let me know when the angelic fluffy bunnies are back on again........
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on
:
(oops, I think those last 2 posts should have been the other way round....... must be quicker with the post button next time) ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
It's no good - I'm going to have to turn off. Never could cope with too much reality TV. Somebody let me know when the angelic fluffy bunnies are back on again........
I'm needed elsewhere this morning.
But never fear. I'll be back!
Posted by Icarus (The Coot) (# 220) on
:
Fr Fiddleback < enters pursuing women priests > : Ladies, it's not the validity of your orders that concerns me. It's just that there are Priests. And Priestesses. And Bishopesses. And Sacristanas. And I don't care so long as you all wear mantillas when you come to my little Pile. In fact, if you all put them on now, I'd be ever so chuffed. <leers at them>
<Ari Retty gives him a withering look>
Fr Fiddleback: Erm. It's the language I care about! The masculine and feminine forms of nouns are falling into obsolescence - I am the last bastion against verbal anarchy! It grieves me so greatly that I now use Latin almost exclusively. Ave.
Ari Retty: Look. Why don't you be useful and make us all a cup of tea?
Fr Fiddleback: Yes ma'am.
Posted by sophs (# 2296) on
:
Fr. Fiddleback: how many sugars ma'am?
Ari Retty: two please
Fr. Fiddleback: here yo-------
another gunshot is heard and Viola staggers in with a tea towel held to her leg..
Viola: that man is a madman...he shot an admin...i have to find erin to tell her that she is in dan-----
Viola looses conciousness, perhaps forever.
will erin get warned in time?
who shot Viola?
is it the same person who shot ick or a copycat criminal?
Posted by Stoo (# 254) on
:
Stoo: Nooo! Not Viola too! And she was so good to me...
ChrisT: Awww, c'mon, Stoo, spill the beans, what's the secret?
Stoo: ChrisT, this is neither the time, nor the place. There is a madman on the loose. We must find him!
Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on
:
<scene switches to ChrisT and Stoo, outside a chip shop>
ChrisT: Look, I'm not sure what's going on here,
but you need to tell her.
Stoo: But it's so ... difficult
ChrisT: I know mate, look - you can crash round at mine if you need to
<interrupted by scuffling and shouting down the road>
Stoo: Hey, isn't that Icarus/Coot scuffling and shouting with Belisarius, who appears to be protecting a woman priest. What's going on?
ChrisT: I don't know, but let's put the boot in, I mean go and help!
<they run towards the kerfuffle>
Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on
:
<Father Cosmo appears from the chip shop, clutching a cone of chips>
Father Cosmo: Let me through, I'm in Holy Orders.
Stoo: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. <falls over giggling uncontrollably>
ChrisT: Can I have a chip? I'll work off the calories later. It's 4.5 minutes on my treadmill.By the way, I'm not available.
Father Cosmo: Would a father give his child a stone? Will I give you a chip?
<Belisarius dashes over>
Beliarius: Quick, keep me covered, I'm going in!
<enters chip shop>
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Arrietty:
Beliarius: Quick, keep me covered, I'm going in!
<enters chip shop>
...and is greeted by a scene reminiscent of Dante's Inferno ![[Mad]](angryfire.gif)
Belisarius: What the...?? O mi ![[Help]](graemlins/help.gif)
!
From the infernal regions behind the counter, wreathed in smoke and liberally be-splattered with chip fat, emerges.....
[UBB Code edited]
[ 09. January 2003, 14:34: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Belisarius: OK, OK, SARKYCOW! I'LL GIVE YOU THE BONUS TOO! JUST SEND ME AN INVOICE!
: That's more like it! < redescends >
< Belisarius races back to the Control Center and collapses panting >
Sheila: Did you just shoot Viola??
Belisarius: That was Viola?? ****** ***** **** **** ***** *****!! I thought it was a hacker--those fools are distracting me TOO MUCH!!
Sheila: Then you didn't shoot Coot either--I didn't want to believe it--I'm so relieved!
Belisarius: Of course I didn't! Dammit--I have to find out who did for the Admins sooner or later! So many things to do!
Sheila: Please, Bel--you can still stop this madness!
Belisarius: NEVER!--this is what I'm fighting--
< plays PM Message > "I want to complain about member 4152/Pickachu using a Thesaurus to cheat at Word Association..."
Sheila: ...I see your point...
Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on
:
somewhere in the background an orchestra starts playing an eerie tune....
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Smudgie < wringing hands >: Who else will help us?
Starbelly: Fear not...
< Rings a tinkly bell--in the distance is heard the rumbling of many bunny feet... >
Posted by heathen mama (# 3767) on
:
Ick/Coot/Maria straightens skirt, hoists guitar and sings:
"Seven-page limits and smart epic poems,
shipmates with whisky and Dutch master paintings,
Mystery worshipers, long fishing string,
These are a few of my favorite things."
Stoo, trying hard not to look shocked, remarks on the Coot's lovely singing voice.
[Edit: Commandment breaching material removed]
[ 09. January 2003, 16:21: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
Posted by heathen mama (# 3767) on
:
Just then, a commercial comes on as network executives realize that they just put a scene on which should have followed the end of the first page, but which has nothing whatsoever to do with what is now happening in the story line.
Show's producer looks at bumbling intern and makes "throat slashing" gesture. Intern flees.
Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on
:
Viola: Arrrgh - mmmnergh - where am I?
<Gets to her feet to general astonishment>
Smudgie: Viola! You're OK! But-but we thought - Oh thank God!
Viola: Yes, you thought I was done for Smudgie. And I would have been except for this!
<Gets very old copy of When Clergymen Ruled the Earth out of breast pocket>
Viola: I always carry it next to my heart. But you didn't know that, did you - SHEILA!
Sheila: Damn you! How did you know?
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Belisarius: Excuse me, but I shot Viola in the leg, and Sheila is right here with me. I mean, really... < puts pinky to side of mouth and strokes Sheila a la Mr. Bigglesworth... >
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Starbelly: Now who's the Alpha bunny?
Miffy: That would be me!
Pyx_e < finishing reading text messages > Good news! The crack MW contingent has joined forces with Stoo! We can all pool our resources together, as long as the bunnies have the proper baptismal certificates...
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Belisarius:
Smudgie < wringing hands >: Who else will help us?
Starbelly: Fear not...
< Rings a tinkly bell--in the distance is heard the rumbling of many bunny feet... >
as the Heavenly choir bursts into:
Miffy's Song
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Belisarius:
Starbelly: Now who's the Alpha bunny?
Miffy: That would be me!
Pyx_e < finishing reading text messages > Good news! The crack MW contingent has joined forces with Stoo! We can all pool our resources together, as long as the bunnies have the proper baptismal certificates...
Oops! Sorry to cross-post Belisarius. Took me longer to sort that link than I'd envisaged!
[No problem, Miffy]
[ 11. January 2003, 00:51: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on
:
<The Consultants are alarmed at the inefficacy of their remedy>
St Sebastian: Your Rx didn't work, Girlfriend.
Siegfried: So you've got a better idea have you? <Angrily pulls out lip gloss and begins applying it> Whispers: Medico 'ho!
St Sebastian: The Xbox if you please, MerseyMike darling. And put his fingers on the controls this time.
MerseyMike: Ewwwww. Do I have to touch the nasty little breeder boy? <Arranges the controller in Icarus Coot's hand>
<Siegfried and St Sebastian distastefully take a closer look>
Siegfried: Yes, all better now. I just can't bear Julie in the wrong hands.
<The Consultants clack off>
Icarus Coot: How horrible, what a terrible dream. I must rush out and do something revolting and blokey to assert my manhood.
Posted by Viola (# 20) on
:
I only passed out because of the sight of the blood issuing forth from my leg.
Then I thought I'd have a wee nap and a dozy listen to you all regretting my demise.
That cartoon book in my pocket eventually revived me by simply smelling so darned old and musty. It's only out of loyalty to the old Captain that I keep it with me.
Ah - those were the days.......
Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on
:
<STAGE WHISPER TO VIOLA >That's OK as far as it goes.
It still leaves Belisarius stroking his Sheila though.
Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on
:
random orchestra in the background starts playing 'Some Enchanted Evening' for no reason...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
< Ick/Coot is about to leap away to chase after Stoo, the Revds Anselmina and Amos tackle him and tie him with chains of adamant >
Ick/Coot: Dear Ladies! Why are you restraining me?
The Revd Anselmina: It's for your own good--you just had a relapse and the Consultants had to be called back. You must stay here until you are completely recovered.
Ick/Coot: But I have to warn the Admins before Stoo does! Otherwise he'll get all the Brownie Points!
The Revd Amos: That is not our concern--you think too much of Wordly Ambition--
Ick/Coot: Aw, c'mon...
[Typo]
[ 09. January 2003, 19:05: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posted by nicolemrw (# 28) on
:
the society for prevention of cruelty to fluffy bunnies also works to safeguard hamsters. i see that there is a hamster here, known as shiela, who seems to be currently clutched in the sweaty grasp of a human. this must cease immediatly!!!!
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on
:
Chorister turns on TV set and tunes into 'H' channel, breathing a sigh of relief as she realises the bunnies have returned. Ah good, this is 'safe' TV...........
Posted by JoyFill (# 3851) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Icarus Coot:
Icarus Coot: How horrible, what a terrible dream. I must rush out and do something revolting and blokey to assert my manhood.
with this thought now upper-most in mind, Icarus/Coot runs into Tigglet's Dating Agency
Ic: how many women can I take out at once?
Tigg: 'ow bigs' your budget?
<time lapse, scene change; Ic/Coot and 37 women, bunnies, theology students, undercovers, hamsters, dolphins, and postage stamps are sharing an intimate dinner>
Ic: As special as this evening has been, I must tell you... you remind me of my last girlfriend... the dead one. Because of this remembrance, we need to stop seeing each other. It's too painful.
after a good-bye kiss, Icarus/Coot goes whistling down the street
[Fantasy Sequence code edited]
[ 09. January 2003, 21:19: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Revd Anselmina: Icarus, can you remember who shot you? The authorities should know!
Ick/Coot: I'm sorry, I can't...I had left Belisarius, but then all I remember is...oh no, the Cinctures! The Cinctures! The Cinctures were strangling me! And they weren't even the right color!! < breaks down >
Revd Anslemina: There, there...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Revd Amos: A few minutes ago, he had some sort of dream involving excessive, shall we say, dating. He is definitely not well yet.
Revd Anselmina: Godspeed to our brave Stoo...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Viola < in the process of leaving a message for Erin >: That wasn't like Bel at all...Oops, Stoo's already left to relay the message personally--oh well, a little exercise won't hurt the dear boy...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Belisarius < gazing abstractedly at screens > All those thousands of users oblivously posting away...even now only a few are aware of the great change to happen... < cue eerie music >
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Stoo < valiantly jogging >: I hope I make it in time to save Heaven...to save Smudgie--no, Stoo! you are a Host, she is a poster--it would never work out...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Starbelly: Now, the element of surprise for us is crucial. I suspect that Belisarius has been secretly using Hellhosts to do his dirty work--
Smudgie: How horrible!!
Starbelly: Yes, and a very rash risk for any extended period--but at the moment he can unleash great power against us. Bunnies--can you evade Heaven's more routine detection processes?
Miffy: It depends whether or not there's chocolate around!
< Bunnies erupt into chorus of giggles >
Starbelly: C'mon, let's get serious here!...
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
Miffy: Detection processes! What detection processes?
brightens
Miffy: Though if chocolate is on offer - I'm your bunny! (In the culinary sense of word mind you, Starbelly. I'm not that kind of fluffy bunny. )
[Edit: Oop. It was Starbelly]
[ 10. January 2003, 00:16: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on
:
Take the chocolate ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
or open the box
Take the chocolate
or open the box
chorister (the audience of one) bounces up and down on the settee, shouting to the TV: 'Take the chocolate! Take the chocolate!'
(note to any under 25s in this performance - you have to be over 40 to understand this gameshow reference)
Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on
:
Starbelly: Good Grief! Was I with you that whole length of time and you learnt nothing? Now Miffy. This is Heracles. <Starbelly produces a Lambchop-like sock puppet> Say 'Hello' to Heracles.
Miffy: Hello, Heracles!
Starbelly <using ventriloquist technique> : Hello, Miffy! Hello Heaven's Fluffy Bunny Army.
Starbelly <As himself> : Miffy, as you remember, Heracles had the task of searching out new hosts for Heaven. Watch and learn.
Starbelly <to Heracles> : Heracles, Go! Sniff out the host!
Heracles Sock Puppet: *snif* *snif*
Starbelly: Viola, over here!
Viola: Can't you see I'm busy. Oh, well. I am only recovering from a gunshot wound you know.
Starbelly: Right.Now.
Viola <grumbling> : Just because I owe you one for those interminable Party threads.
Starbelly < to Heracles > : Sic 'em, Heracles! < makes swooping movement with glove puppet and fastens its little rabbit jaws around Viola's neck>
Viola < unenthusiastically > : ..Ah...Ah..
Starbelly: Right Miffy, right bunnies! Did you see that? Go! Crawl over everyone you see and sniff out WHO SHOT ICARUS COOT!
Miffy: Starbelly, Sir?
Starbelly <impatiently>: YES?!
Miffy: May we tickle them while we swarm all over them? <bunnies break out in chorus of giggles>
Starbelly: If you must! Find who shot Coot, bunnies. And I shall give you Cadbury's Creme Eggs all round and personally host your very own party thread!
Miffy & Bunny Army: Yaaaay!!!!!
[Edit: Changed host name for smoother story developmnt]
[ 10. January 2003, 00:54: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
Posted by WorkInProgress (# 3597) on
:
*The two random passers-by are back - still wearing the same t-shirts and shorts, but having swopped Jesus-sandals for wellington boots*
1st PB: Who's that over there with The Coot?
2nd PB: Well, they're wearing dog collars of some sort... <strains to see> and two of them have got big A's on their robes, but I dunno could be anyone really...
1st PB: If it's Anselmina and Amos and co, we're only waiting for -
*Chris T steams onto the screen and hurtles towards the group huddled around Icarus/The Coot*
1st PB: <in shock, reverentially> Mr T!!!!! Now the 'A' Team's complete!
*The relevant theme tune swells from the invisible orchestra. The shot pans round the crowd near Icarus/The Coot. When the shot returns to the extras, they have swopped T-shirts and are being mobbed by small, seemingly-vicious rabbits, possibly python-esk, but more likely miffy-esk*
2nd PB: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!
1st PB: They're more ferocious than the word associations! And last longer!
2nd PB: <having successfully freed both of them> Quick! This way!
*The two passers-by run out-of-shot quickly, leaving the camera to focus on a certain small group which has now been surrounded by fluffy bunnies with sharp teeth*
Icarus: <rising once more from his virtual delerium> Quick! Somebody call the 'A' Team! Only they can tell us who framed Roger Rabbit! <He relapses into the semi-coma>
Posted by Chorister (# 473) on
:
D'you mean I pay my licence for this ?
Goodness, what drivel they put on the box nowadays. Not quality TV like good old Coronation Street........
Chorister sits down to write 'disgusted of Cream Tealand' letter to whom it may concern at the BBC, about the poor quality of Heavenly Soaps.
Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on
:
Sarkycow lurks in the shadows. She watches the bunnies swarming (can bunnies swarm? Now they can.) over people, trying to find out who shot Coot.
Hmmm, so stoo's plotting against Bel, and starbelly is joining in. Those b******* won't pay me for information given or for threatening the more unruly posters. I'm on Bel's side.
Sneaks away to Bel's office.
Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on
:
Sarkycow lurks in the shadows of Bel's office, attemtping to catch his attention. However, due to her habit of lurking everywhere, and fading into the background, Bel can't actually see her.
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
< While lurking, Sarkycow is standing in front of the heating vent. Sheila, attempting re-enter hits her leg >
Sheila: OUCH!
Belisarius < Spinning around in his seat > What's wrong, She--...oh...Hello, Sarkycow.
Sarkycow: Gee, Bel, such a cool welcome. I thought you Heavenly types didn't hold grudges.
Sheila: Uh...I'll see myself out. < scurries back into heating vent >
Belisarius: What do you want?
Sarkycow: If you keep hurting my feelings, I won't tell you about the Fluffy Bunny army.
Belisarius: What??
Sarkycow: I thought you'd be interested.
Belisarius: All right--just give me a minute--I have to finishing merging these cookies, IPs, Recent User Traces, Ballistics Ratios, Spectrographs, and "The Best of Heaven's Hidden Cameras" into an Excel File to give to--
Erin < over intercom > BEL!! WHERE THE **** ARE YOU??
Belisarius: Right here, Erin--I'm about to send the data for your Who-Shot-Coot Application.
Erin: All right, but hurry up--I have had enough **** to deal with on the Boards today, especially Hell--one of the Hellhosts isn't spending enough time there, that's for sure.
Sarkycow < under breath while lurking >: Uh Oh...
Belisarius < pressing button >: You should be receiving it now.
Erin: Thanks--this should just take a few sec--******! *****! ***** * * ***** ***!! The Development Server is down again!! Now I have no idea how long it will take!!
Belisarius < trying to take advantage of the situation >: I'm sorry to hear that--should I make sure we do not have a fluffiness overload in the meantime?
Erin: What makes you think there will be one, what with Coot having just been shot?
Belisarius < not expecting that >: Well...the shock combined with your earlier reprimand could trigger a reaction too far in the opposite direction.
Erin: I guess that could happen--if it does, by all means prevent an overflow to the other Boards any way you can. Now excuse me while I beat the **** out of this worthless-- < cut off >
Belisarius: Hmm...it looks like you should get back to Hell before you're missed, Sarkycow.
Sarkycow: Don't worry about me--I'll be back < disappears >...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Erin: Double ****! Viola sent this message hours ago!--I hope it's not important...
< 15 seconds later >
WHY, THAT LITTLE...IF IT'S POWER-CRAZED MEGALOMANIA HE WANTS...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Stoo: There's the Admin Checkpoint--
< But an Apache Helicopter suddenly rises from behind the Checkpoint and hovers menacingly before Stoo >
Erin < through speaker >: What do you want? I was just leaving!
Stoo: Uh...you found out about Heaven?
Erin: Of course I did! < sigh > Hop in--I'll give you a ride back...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
< The bunnies continue to swarm on unsuspecting poster, then fleeing as soon as possible >
Pyx_e: This may actually work!
Smudgie: Heaven will be saved!
Starbelly: Yes...< to self as a strange gleam forms in his eye > and I may become Senior Host...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Belisarius: Now to find those damn bunnies--
< But Erin's helicopter has reached Heaven >
Erin < through speaker >: BEL!! GET YOUR *** OUT HERE!!
Belisarius: Oh no!--Wait, this will solve two problems! < puts his PA system on > Is this because of the new 15-page limit on the Game Threads, Erin? I don't think they should be closed!
Miffy < panic-stricken >: Erin wants to close the Game Threads! We have to tickle her until she's happy again!
< the Bunnies pour from their hiding places and start swarming towards the helicopter >
Erin: What the...they're going to kill themselves! < through speaker > GET BACK!! I'M IN A ******* HELICOPTER!!...
Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on
:
<As one, the Bunny Army halts, then begins pouring back in the direction of Pyx_e, Starbelly and Smudgie>
Starbelly <whipping out the Heracles Sock Puppet> : I don't like the look of this Heracles!
Heracles <being rotated at arm's length by Starbelly> : *snif* *snif* *snif*
<Starbelly as if seized by a force against his will, points Heracles at Smudgie>
Heracles: Woop! Woop! Woop! Woop!
<In a swooping movement Starbelly fixes the little Puppet rabbit jaws around Smudgie's neck>
Smudgie <genuinely> : Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
<Pyx_e opens his mouth as if to make an expletive but he, Smudgie and Starbelly [and Heracles] disappear in a teeming mass of fluffy white bunnies>
Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on
:
<From the sidelines various Heavenly denizens stand shocked, awaiting the awe-ful finale to this sorry tale>
kingsfold: Raaabiittt?
kenwritez <Holding a pie dish lined with a freshly prepared pie crust> : Ova hee-ya little bunnies. Look I puts it low so ya can jump inta it.
Embarrassed young intern (heathen mama): Coot, I know you can't hear me, but I'm soooo sorry about the Julie Andrews drag thing. *Two* episodes of that is more than any boy should have to bear.
Rabbit Inspector (nicolemrw) : I'm here. And I'll be taking names. Any minute now.
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on
:
(sigh) Oh, for godssake...
(SCHWINGG)
(Bunnywithanaxe unsheathes one of the two cane swords strapped to her back, with a weary look on her furry little face. She gains about three or four feet as you watch. Bright white light streams from eyes, ears,fluffy tail, etc.)
Y'all think it's really cute to be invoking bunnies all the time, right? RIGHT? Ok, taste my wrath...
(raises cane sword menacingly Lightning crackles...)
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Stoo: Why are the bunnies attacking Smudgie? I have to save her! < leaps out of helicopter >
Erin < watching him fall >: ...am I the only one around here whose brain is larger than a walnut?...
Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on
:
HALT!
(bunny army halts, their little eyes glowing in zombie-like stupor. They sit on their haunches, still surrounding victims)
Do you want to hear my list of demands, or do I yell "sic"?
Posted by kenwritez (# 3238) on
:
Kenwritez wraps the stopped bunnies in strips of smoked bacon and sprigs of rosemary, salts and pappers them, spritzes them with 4 T of lemon juice, then pops them into the greased, doughed pie plates at 375 degrees F for 40 minutes.
DING! <oven bell rings rings>
The wonderful smell of baked hasenpfeffer with rosemary and bacon spreads thoughout the room. Even Kelly's nose twitches and she licks her lips in desire for a taste.
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on
:
...raabbiiitt
Rabbit.. killer rabbit?
Oh, my God, what have I done?
<overcome by remorse>
Was it me who set the killer bunny on Icarus Coot?
Find me a priest someone! I need to confess.
Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on
:
The Rev. Rowen comes in and asks, in a caring and compassionate manner, "Will I do? I am not a priest- and am a woman.... On the other hand, you need not call me Father.... And you might prefer the informality of us non- Father types... So call me Pastor, or Reverend or Hey You...Tell me your worries, my son...."
Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on
:
Kingsfold: I fear I have done a terrible thing, to one of God's elect...
Rowen: What, a priest?
Kingsfold: No, even worse - a Host! In fact a Heavenly Host no less! How can I live with myself?
Rowen: The short answer is you can't. But I'll see what I can do.
<cut to hunky guy sat at table>
MrT (ChrisT): You ain't getting me on no plane, fool. Or no helicopter neither. But I will drink this tasty milk *glug glug glug* uh-oh...
Phoenix (as Face): Hehehe, one problem out of the way. Now where's that Kelly got to?
Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on
:
The Rev Rowen, in her caring compassionate way, coms back to kingsfold.
"Sorry mate, can't mend what is broken now. Sorry. I'll give you my letter opener if you want an honourable but weird and painful way out...."
Sound of sad and sorrowful but weird music in background.
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on
:
kingsfold: Woman, man, Rev, Pastor, Father, Sir - I don't care, as long as you can absolve me!
<brain finally catches up with ears>
What do you mean I can't mend what is broken? That you'll lend me a letter opener? Icky's not dead you know! I just made a mistake. Have pity on me! Miserere mei Deus, secundum magnam misericordiam tuam and all that!
Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on
:
Rev: "I don't speak Latin, for I am a liberal Protestant..."
Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on
:
And so the Rev walks out of kingsfold's life forever....accompanied by sad music...
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on
:
Liberal Protestant's fine by me...I can translate.
"Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy great goodness..."
What do you mean you're going? I mean, what sort of an example is that for a Reverend to set? What happened to love, to forgiveness, to...
<sees that Rev Rowen has truly departed and sinks sorrowfully to the floor, sobbing heart-rendingly in the corner. Unbidden the words of the Psalmist come to mind "Thy rebuke hath broken my heart, I am full of heaviness. I looked for some to have pity on me, but there was no man, neither found I any to comfort me.."
kingsfold's hand brushes against Rowen's letter opener, and picks it up. Still sobbing, kingsfold turns the knife over and over, meditatively>
Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on
:
[Ms Dimittis and Bp Rascal come running.]
ND: Hey, I've brought you a priest - nay, a bishop even. A MALE bishop...
[Bp Rascal comes in behind her wearing full regalia.]
Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on
:
Mrs Tubbs follows with thermos containing hot sweet tea ...
Tubbs
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on
:
<perks up rather>
Did someone say tea? Yes please.
<slurps noisily>
Oh, Your Grace, Reverend Father whatever else you wish to be called. I've done a terrible thing (I think)....Here, you're not Gerald Ambulance in disguise are you?
Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on
:
somewhere in the background an orchestra strikes up the overture to The Sound of Music
Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on
:
I cannot believe, btw, that you have allied yourself withthe MW crowd who offer just GIN, incense and lace when the SF crowd can offer video technology so you can film the whole thing and sell the rights ...
![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
It seems now Stoo has gone to Heaven he has lost all commericial sense ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
And Coot, I still have some "contacts" from the war if you need to *ahem* do something "blokey"
Tubbs
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by kenwritez:
Kenwritez wraps the stopped bunnies in strips of smoked bacon and sprigs of rosemary, salts and pappers them, spritzes them with 4 T of lemon juice, then pops them into the greased, doughed pie plates at 375 degrees F for 40 minutes.
DING! <oven bell rings rings>
The wonderful smell of baked hasenpfeffer with rosemary and bacon spreads thoughout the room. Even Kelly's nose twitches and she licks her lips in desire for a taste.
Miffy: You won't get me that easily, you know!
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on
:
Where you referring to me, Mrs Tubbs? Can't I have TEA, incense AND video technology?
Anyhow, does anyone else think that Bp Rascal looks uncannily like Gerald Ambulance? 'Cos I'm not confessing to HIM. No way.
Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by kingsfold:
Where you referring to me, Mrs Tubbs? Can't I have TEA, incense AND video technology?
<SNIP>
Not for the duration of this thread.
Tubbs
[UBB Code edited]
[ 10. January 2003, 14:46: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on
:
But I'm an Anglican - I'm good at sitting on fences!
This is getting progressively complicated. It seems there are factions bidding for my soul. To whom can I turn?
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
< While the wrangling goes on over Kingsfold, Stoo hobbles to the dazed, prone Smudgie >
Stoo: Smudgie--are you all right???
Smudgie < focuses >: Oh, dearest Stoo--I knew you would come...
Stoo < his manly resolve breaking >: Oh, Smudgie!
< the two passionately embrace. Music swells... >
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
< Anselmina finishes listening to cellphone message >
Anselmina: Oh, no! The SF Board is infiltrating!
Amos: Muscling in on our racket, eh? Come along, Icarus. < they lead him by a chain of adamant >...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Belisarius: Excellent...for the moment, they've completely forgotten about me...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
< Erin has landed the helicopter. She removes her helmut, releasing her wild mane of tresses. >
Oooh, that son of a ***** is gonna get it for that bunny ploy!
< cell phone beeps--she reads text message, then smiles... >
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Belisarius:
< Erin has landed the helicopter. She removes her helmut, releasing her wild mane of tresses. >
Oooh, that son of a ***** is gonna get it for that bunny ploy!
< cell phone beeps--she reads text message, then smiles... >
Insistent tapping is to be heard coming from under the piecrust
Miffy: Oi you! I said - You can't get rid of me that easily!
Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on
:
Sarkycow lurks in the shadows behind Erin, trying to get her attention. Finally she coughs. Erin jumps, startled, then looks round.
Erin: Oh, it's you. Why the **** aren't you down in ******* Hell, killing all the ******* posters?
Sarkycow: I have information. Good information. About the bunnies, stoo's plottings, and starbelly's secret desires. What's it worth?
Sarkycow thinks to self: I might even tell her about Bel. She has more power than him, and pays more.
Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on
:
Belisarius: Mmmm. It falls into place... <finger poised over the Mass Delete button>
<Enter Sheila panting and dusting bunny fluff off herself>
Sheila: Stop Bel!
Belisarius: Never! I am an inch away from victory!
Sheila: I know who shot Icarus Coot!
Belisarius: What do I care! Now, not just Heaven, but all the Planes will make obeisance to my Hostly Countenance.
Sheila <runs and shields the Mass Delete button with her body> : Don't do this Bel! If you love me - please don't do this!
Belisarius: Move away Sheila! Or I will crush you too!
Sheila <gasping>: Bel! After all we've been through?
Belisarius <breaks down > : It's no good. Sheila, you know I can never refuse you. <sobs with his head on his folded arms>
Sheila: Oh Bel! <She noses his hand open and curls up in it. There is a pause> It was Smudgie by the way. Kingsfold was mesmerised by Dr Cosmo's legs, the guilt he feels is baseless!
Belisarius: What?! <gives Sheila a big kiss on the snout> We must do something!
.
[Edit: Darn i got 'can never' right the first time!]
[ 10. January 2003, 15:25: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
< Erin cuts Sarkycow off >
Tell me later--the ******** server finally kicked in, and I've just found out that Smudgie shot Coot!
Sarkycow < annoyed she didn't find out first > How did she do it?
Erin: While having some sort of dispute with him, she pulled a gun from the Random Thread and fired it before it changed into a turkey baster. Before I pass punishment, I must find out the motive...
Posted by Stoo (# 254) on
:
Stoo: Smudgie, we must elope! Our love can never come to fruition in such a place as this!
<They embrace>
Smudgie: It could! We could make it work!
Stoo: No, Smudgie, I fear not. We must leave now!
Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on
:
somewhere in the background, the orchestra beings to play "I will always love you"....
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Dolphy:
somewhere in the background, the orchestra beings to play "I will always love you"....
Cue chorus of giggles and vomiting noises from the lapin chasseur. ![[Projectile]](graemlins/puke2.gif)
Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on
:
Phew, what a relief - it wasn't me after all. But mesmerised by Dr Cosmo's legs! ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
I think I'd better go and lie down, and take it easy for a couple of days to get over it.
<vanishes off over the horizon, pausing first to release Miffy from the pie>
Posted by sophs (# 2296) on
:
Simon: I think you already know the motive Erin. You have known it for a long time. Smudgie is looking to take over the ship. That is all the love affair with Stoo is for, she is trying to win over the hosts, Icaurs found out here secret plan,as did Viola, so she shot them. But there was more you didn't know. The plot to get rid of Bel from heaven, and the master mind of the whole plot...surely you didn't think Smudgie would have thought of it alone?
NO, there was another...I provided the guns, i am behind smudgie all the way.
Sarkycow: Why are you telling us this?
Simon: i do not wish you to die not knowing the whole truth.
Erin: You - you - wouldn't
Simon: I would.
simon clicks his figures and a giant sock puppet operated by tomb descends and --------
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by kingsfold:
Phew, what a relief - it wasn't me after all. But mesmerised by Dr Cosmo's legs! I think I'd better go and lie down, and take it easy for a couple of days to get over it.
<vanishes off over the horizon, pausing first to release Miffy from the pie>
Miffy: My hero! Now to rescue my fellow bunnie-wunnies. Produces Miffy Mobile from under her vest and makes quick call to... The bearded one himself.
Miffy: Hello! Is that 'Animal Hospital?' Miffy speaking. I've a job for Rolfie.
Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on
:
The orchestra swiftly moves on to another tune... Run rabbit, run rabbit, run, run, run...
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Dolphy:
The orchestra swiftly moves on to another tune... Run rabbit, run rabbit, run, run, run...
Ahem! Whose side are you on, Dolphy?!
But, even as Sarky and Erin cower back against the wall in abject terror [Thought: Why am I helping those two - must be old age ] from far, far away, comes a peculiar thumping sound, as of a thousand kangaroos. The bearded one is on his way!
The heavenly host bursts into (apols to Australian shipmates)........
Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on
:
The orchestra realise that someone had changed their music, and so now begin to play 'I love God's tiny creatures that wander wild and free'...
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Dolphy:
The orchestra realise that someone had changed their music, and so now begin to play 'I love God's tiny creatures that wander wild and free'...
Nope - I was thinking more of:
Tie Me Kangaroo Down
Miffy: Guaranteed to send the wicked Simon diving for cover!
Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on
:
The orchestra, who are going to ask for more money if people keep stealing their music, begin to play: Tie me kangeroo down sport, tie me kangerrooooo down!!!
Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on
:
<The giant sock puppet operated by tomb descends... it is none other than Mr Zebedee>
Mr Zebedee: Time to go hooooooome, Simon.
Simon: Orrr. C'mon. It's not tea time yet.
Erin <still grappling with the sheer illogicality of it all> : Simon, you wouldn't?
Simon: Oh bugger. Nar. I wouldn't. It was Smudgie's whole plan, I.. I.. I just thought I might be able to squeeze out a few more page clicks for our fabbo Ark project!
Erin: You dumb ****! But I am so ******* relieved! <gives him a big sloppy kiss and hug>
Posted by nicolemrw (# 28) on
:
but who will speak for the bunnies? and poor little mistreated shiela!
come to me bunnies, and i will rescue you!
Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on
:
<Cut to Stoo and Smudgie trying to sneak away>
Erin <with a voice like thunder that shakes the terebinth trees> : STOP!!!!!!!!!!!
<Stoo bravely pushing Smudgie behind him>
Stoo: Please! Spare Smudgie. I.. I.. love her! <clutches Smudgie>
<Four part harmony spewing noises>
Stoo: Let me take the punishment that was to be meted out to her.
.
[Edit: 'love' needs emphasis I think]
[ 10. January 2003, 16:57: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by nicolemrw:
but who will speak for the bunnies? and poor little mistreated shiela!
come to me bunnies, and i will rescue you!
Miffy: Thanks, Nicole! But don't worry. Bel hasn't reckoned to our secret weapon!
Dance of the Seven Beards!
Posted by Dolphy (# 862) on
:
The orchestra, most confused, begins to play the Dance of the Seven Beards.....
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Erin: No, young Stoo...you are necessary for restoring the balance of Heaven. You must let Smudgie be punished--it is your sacred duty as a Host.
Stoo < bursting into tears >: You're right! < slowly steps away from Smudgie >
Smudgie: Oh Stoo, with my stockade of posts, we could have ruled the Ship together! Why didn't you let me help you when we had the chance??
< Erin slips a black hood over her head >
Erin: Smudgie...I sentence you to...a two week suspension of posting privileges!
Smudgie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[Falls in a dead faint]
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
The Revd Anselmina: Ah, Ms. Dimittis--thank you for your reconaissance....
< Ick/Coot is dumbstruck--says to Ms. Dimittis >
Then you were not just a figment of my fevered imagination...you're a real, living, wonderful, properly-attired-and-accessorized delight!
< Pleased, the Revds Anselmina and Amos release the chains of Adamant... >
Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on
:
Bp Rascal <to Icarus Coot> : You do of course mean me, my child?
Icarus Coot: Your Grace! <proceeds to go down on one knee and offer an extravagant episcopal ringly osculation>
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
quote:
Originally posted by Belisarius:
Erin: No, young Stoo...you are necessary for restoring the balance of Heaven. You must let Smudgie be punished--it is your sacred duty as a Host.
Stoo < bursting into tears >: You're right! < slowly steps away from Smudgie >
Smudgie: Oh Stoo, with my stockade of posts, we could have ruled the Ship together! Why didn't you let me help you when we had the chance??
< Erin slips a black hood over her head >
Erin: Smudgie...I sentence you to...a two week suspension of posting privileges!
Smudgie: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[Falls in a dead faint]
Miffy: Yikes! This isn't working. Still no sign of Rolf.
...or the kangaroos.
Maybe we need nicole after all.
And who will rescue poor Smudgie?
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
Belisarius < numbly checking instruments >: Smudgie has been sentenced--as will I soon. Sheila, save yourself while you can--
Erin < over intercom >: All right, Bel--taking into consideration your wussing out in time and presuming you provide the appropriate bribes, I am inclined to be magnanimous.
Belisarius < appropriately grovelling >: Thank you, Thank you!! The Green & Blacks boxes will be on their way--
Erin: --OK, OK, shut up! Viola and I figured out that your shooting her was an accident while she was taking care of an attack from the Overboard Coalition--next time, let the Admins handle the hackers.
Belisarius: Of course, of course--I was a little megalomaniacal at the time...
Erin: Your probation is...hosting the party thread Starbelly promised to the Bunnies.
Belisarius: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
< falls in a dead faint... >
[ 30. July 2008, 20:54: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on
:
Miffy Aha! Vengeance is mine!!
Erin's on our siiide! Erin's on our siiide! (flurry of sunny smilies)
skips over to lapin chasseur and rips open crust with her bare paws. Her fellow bunnies swarm out and soon Erin is lost under a sea of fluffy white fur.
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
< Erin squirms out of the pile of bunnies and shouts > NOW!!!!!!!!!!
< A huge net falls out of the sky--dropped by the Apache Helicopter--now piloted by Stoo--and traps the Bunnies >
Erin: Now Balance is truly restored...
Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on
:
< 30 minutes later >
Stoo: Well, now that the Bunnies are under control under their party thread, Absolute Good, Absolute Evil, and, uh, you, Coot, are balanced again.
Ick/Coot: Forgive me, my friend, for making that fatal step into Ambition. It is not the Heavenly Way...
Stoo < clasps hands with Ick/Coot >: No, you must forgive me for breaking my Hostly Oath...
Ick/Coot: No, forgive me...
Stoo: No, you first...
< Four-part-harmony spewing noises >
THE END(?)
[ 10. January 2003, 20:17: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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