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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Heaven: Puppet Fights
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
The first rule of Puppet Fight Club is "Don't talk about Puppet Fight Club."...
ON MY LEFT HAND
That ornery despiser of Host and Admin conspiracies, weighing 1.2 kilograms and shaped vaguely like a chicken...
FIDDLEBACK-puppet!!!
and,
ON MY RIGHT HAND
That sit-com-writing bountiful Host of fluffy-bunniness, weighing 90 kilograms of mostly halo...
BELISARIUS-puppet!!!
All right boys, I want a good clean fight. No Kermit arm-flailing, no Cookie Monster chewing-but-not-swallowing, and no light sabers.
ding DING!
Belisarius-puppet saunters over to the trembling and faintly hen-pecked looking Fiddleback-puppet and daintily picks him up in the air with carefully placed thumb and forefinger and hefts him to look in the eyes. Belisarius-puppet charmingly clears his throat and suggests in a melodious even tone, "This does not appear to be completely fair. Perhaps it would be kindest if you were to just announce your forfeit now?"
Fiddleback-puppet stops trembling, and a cold, hard gleam comes into his sewn-on eyes. "Are you picking on me? I think you're picking on me."
A slightly confused expression begins to wander across Belisarius-puppet's face when it notices that Fiddleback-puppet has abruptly lunged for Belisarius-puppet's throat and has begun remorselessly pecking. The slightly confused expression quickly returns to where it came from, and shoos the shocked and horrified expressions out.
The crowd of spectators wince involuntarily as they watch what horrors wrack the slowing form of Belisarius-puppet.
DING DING DING!!!
Whoa, messy. Well, I think the decision has to go to Fiddleback puppet there. Just goes to show how mindlessness can sometimes be an advantage.
[ 14. January 2004, 17:25: Message edited by: Erin ]
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
That was very funny and creative, mR. RooK.
Really.
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169
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Posted
<You're sweet to humour him, Sine.>
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Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.
Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
Thank-you, Grits.
I think as Christians we have a duty to treat others as we would like to be treated, don't you?
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169
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Posted
I think with you, however, it is actually called "sucking up".
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Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.
Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
Always wise not to antagonize middle management.
OK, I think that's enough posts now. It can die in peace.
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Zeke
Ship's Inquirer
# 3271
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Posted
Damn, what is that man smoking? And where can I get some?
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No longer the Bishop of Durham
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If men are so wicked with religion, what would they be without it? --Benjamin Franklin
Posts: 5259 | From: Deep in the American desert | Registered: Sep 2002
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
I have some barbecue sauce here ready for the chicken-thing when you've finished with it.
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Tortuf
Ship's fisherman
# 3784
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Posted
On my right hand
Weighing in at . . well, lets not go there, is Tortuf, pedant, lawyer.
On my left hand
Weighing in at. . . not all that much, is Sine Nomine, bon vivant, acloyte to Noel Coward.
Da DING!
Tortuf swings first with a long, confusing post about the legal implications of lightning strikes in Russia. He stands back, a cruel smile on his face, er finger.
Sine Nomine advances. Fingers twitching, he begins citing facts about the Court of France at length.
Tortuf staggers at first. Then he begins getting interested.
Soon Tortuf and Sine Nomine wander off to the nearest bar filled with Jeep Cherokee driving women softball players and have a drink.
Round over.
Posts: 6963 | From: The Venice of the South | Registered: Dec 2002
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
Somehow, Sine Nomine as a twitching, itchy finger just makes perfect sense.
ON MY LEFT HAND
That stiletto-heel wearing, baton-twirling darling and defender of chicken-fried cookery, weighing in at an appropriately dainty mass and looking like malevolent smirk that has hijacked a cheerleader...
PRESLEYTERIAN-puppet!!!
and,
ON MY RIGHT HAND
That vociferous antagonist of some religious group (that I can't ever bother to remember) that has at least one member that vilifies homosexuals, weighing in at every opportunity and resembling a bratwurst...
MERSEYMIKE-puppet!!!
You know the rules.
ding DING!
Presleyterian saunters cautiously sideways in a circling route, then lines up her curves in a posture that is a tribute to hauteur. "Mikey, bless your heart, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to mess you up - Southern Style™."
Merseymike gives a formal bow and assumes the "monkey plucking grapes" defensive stance. In true martial-art form, his mouth moves in advance and out of synch with his speach. "Is that a deep fryer you've got hidden behind your back?"
Presleyterian gives a guilty shrug, "OK, so maybe I have to pass on the Southern Style™." and she tosses the grease-bong aside. "That just means you lack taste. Prepare to die."
Merseymike, in a lightning-quick motion that must have involved some deleted frames, whips out a cotton t-shirt accompanied by a whip-snap sound effect. "It would make things simpler if you were to wear this." With a throwing star motion, he flips the shirt at Presleyterian. She executes a well-practiced garment-block, and regards the piece of cotton suspiciously. She unfolds it in front of herself with curiosity. Too late, she spies the bold printing across the front - ALL GAYS ARE GOING TO HELL.
A blood chilling Bruce Lee scream breaks from Merseymike and he leaps into a triple somersault towards Preseleyterian. Her block is smashed aside and he lands crunching blows to her abdomen and solar plexus, and finally delivers a roundhouse to Presleyterian's jaw that sends her sprawling.
Merseymike jauntily regards his toppled opponent, savouring the moment before the coup de grace. Presleyterian glares up from her being on her ass, "You messed up my HAIR!" She slips one pointy-heeled shoe off, and brandishes it like a pick. Merseymike steps closer, and Presleyterian howls with fury as she vaults up and drives the heel into Merseymike again and again. The go down in a jumble of flailing limbs. Presleyterian ends up on top, and the impalings continue. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"
In desperation, Merseymike pulls out a small container of Miracle Whip™ Salad Dressing and squirts some into Presleyterian's mouth. "AAAAAG!" The tempo of the impalings increases until Merseymike is good and dead. Then, true to her word, Presleyterian-puppet kills herself by throwing herself off my hand.
DING DING DING!!!
Erm, um... OK. I guess we'll have to call that one a draw.
[Because I can.]
[ 29. August 2003, 18:14: Message edited by: RooK ]
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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snowgoose
Silly goose
# 4394
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
Merseymike jauntily regards his toppled opponent, savouring the moment before the coup de gras.
Coup de gras? That would be coup de grace, dearie. (Put a circumflex over the "a" if you feel like it.) Unless, of course she did manage to get him with that loaded chicken fryer, in which case perhaps it would be coup de poulet gras.
You should know better than to do things like this when there is a pedantry thread in full swing.
Carry on.
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Lord, what can the harvest hope for, if not for the care of the Reaper Man? --Terry Pratchett
Save a Siamese!
Posts: 3868 | From: Tidewater Virginia | Registered: Apr 2003
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
Such violence! This is not PG rated...not even 13. R rated...violence.
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
Applause! Applause!
Encore.
(The image of Merseymike with a stiletto heal sticking out of his head was particularly, uh, striking, I thought.)
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
His head?
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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snowgoose
Silly goose
# 4394
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Posted
I saw that, RooK. ![[Disappointed]](graemlins/disappointed.gif)
How about another episode, then? ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Lord, what can the harvest hope for, if not for the care of the Reaper Man? --Terry Pratchett
Save a Siamese!
Posts: 3868 | From: Tidewater Virginia | Registered: Apr 2003
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon:
His head?
That's the way I saw it.
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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Lyda*Rose
Ship's broken porthole
# 4544
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Posted
Whatever you say. It's all a matter of angles. ![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
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"Dear God, whose name I do not know - thank you for my life. I forgot how BIG... thank you. Thank you for my life." ~from Joe Vs the Volcano
Posts: 21377 | From: CA | Registered: May 2003
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Presleyterian
Shipmate
# 1915
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Posted
quote:
I am RooK's smirking revenge.
I am RooK's cold sweat.
I am RooK's raging bile duct.
I am RooK's broken heart.
I am RooK's complete lack of surprise.
Oh, that RooK. Funny, articulate, a malevolent streak the size of Kamloops, and he knows the difference between a Pitman arm and a ballast resistor.
Just make sure that Merseymike's tee-shirt isn't one of those inferior poly blends.
Posts: 2450 | From: US | Registered: Dec 2001
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Sine Nomine*
Ship's backstabbing bastard
# 3631
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Posted
A handy tool:
Whenever I get a little bit scared of RooK, I think about his real name and calm right back down again.
I mean, how scared can you be of someone named Cxxxxxx?
Of course, Freddie Kruger is pretty scary, come to think of it. And Freddie is a pretty bland name.
Posts: 10696 | Registered: Dec 2002
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ken
Ship's Roundhead
# 2460
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Posted
Well, I still think that Jesuitical Lad and Ley Druid are the same person. And I've never seen a posting to disabuse me of that.
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Ken
L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle.
Posts: 39579 | From: London | Registered: Mar 2002
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
On my right hand
Representing the MW malcontents and one of that elite group: female tat fanciers. Suspended, but she comes back for more!
Ultraspike-puppet!
and
On my left gloved fist
We have...
Chastmastr-puppet!!!!!
<Chastmastr-puppet gets wide-eyed Beaker look>
"What's that, Chastmastr-puppet?"
<Place Chastmastr-puppet up to ear and move it about animatedly>
"Nimee-nimee-nimee ni mee ni NI!"
"No. No, I chose one that doesn't degrade rubber."
ding DING!
Ultraspike-puppet invokes Way of the Mantilla on Ultraspike-puppet. Chastmastr-puppet looks at her with harmless puppy eyes. Ultraspike-puppet does not waver, she shows the hard-hearted determination that has taken her to the top of a male-dominated field. Chastmastr-puppet smiles and points to his collection of manga videos. Ultraspike-puppet closes in. Chastmastr-puppet woofs happily. Ultraspike-puppet straps on her thurible. Chastmastr-puppet offers her his X-Men Omnibus. Suddenly Chastmastr-puppet realises the danger and attempts the Weird-arse Website prevent defence. Too late, he tries to barricade himself in with obscure comic and tv show references. Ultraspike-puppet is merciless! She fires! Again and again! Until finally, Chastmastr-puppet is buried under a pile of patristic literature with stuck-together pages. Satisfied, Ultraspike-puppet smiles evilly to herself and carries off his entire collection of leather gear and marital aids as the spoils of war.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Thank-you, participants.
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
I give that one three thumbs up.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Pyx_e
Quixotic Tilter
# 57
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Posted
In my right Hand the dread Martin Pcnot puppet, forged in the dark mines of Khazad Dum from pulped Barclays Commentaries. Dressed in Black and dark as night.
In my left hand JimT puppet robed in white, seeming rumbled but for those in the know this pose is only his pre fight meditation where he draws on the elemental powers of his youth.
“Now gentlemen, no low church punches, no deliverance in the clinches and definitely no wishy washy liberal bullshit when I say break I mean break.”
Ding “Round One”
JimT glides to the centre of the ring but Martin has disappeared. A big groan comes up form the crowd they know it could be a long night. Jim rock like waits, still as a fundies theology his awesome ontological given bulging from his lycra shorts. They crowd grow pensive ……………….
KAZZAM, just behind Jim’s left shoulder Martin reappears and launches a flurry of unintelligible references. Jim unperturbed absorbs the blows and finds some sense in them, he launches a cunning backhanded compliment counter attack and Martin momentarily flustered goes spinning round the ring quoting Leviticus.
Jim goes on the attack gliding forward he tries to leg swipe Martin, literally knock him of his foundations by the merest hint that the Bible is not all its cracked up to be. Martin older and wiser than last we saw him blocks these vicious blows with an equanimity that has not been seen in him before. The crowd whisper about possible tranquillisers, mutterings about beer abound. But Martin quashes any such rumours with a roundhouse blow to Jim’s head, he calls him a “girlie.”
Jim (obviously from the bulge not a girlie) is flabbergasted not since his Pentecostal days has anyone even hinted at his feminine side and now his foe has touched his deepest part (oh missus) , Jim struck dumb and defenceless is open to anything Martin wants to do. Martin seeing how nasty he has been falls on the ground weeping. Jim overcome with compassion reaches down to pick up the hapless puppet, slips on a banana skin (thrown in disgust by Sarckycow) and falls on top of Martin. “OneNA, TwoAH ……..” the ref starts to count. “ThreeAh he is OUT.” The crowd goes wild. Jim leaps up aghast and ……… Martin is not there, gone, again.
Ding Ding.
“By a technical knockout the winner of this bout JimT, (rapturous applause) Ladies and Gentlemen Martin Pcnot has left the building.”
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It is better to be Kind than right.
Posts: 9778 | From: The Dark Tower | Registered: May 2001
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Moo
Ship's tough old bird
# 107
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Posted
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
Moo
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Kerygmania host
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See you later, alligator.
Posts: 20365 | From: Alleghany Mountains of Virginia | Registered: May 2001
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Grits
Compassionate fundamentalist
# 4169
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Posted
Who needs television?
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Lord, fill my mouth with worthwhile stuff, and shut it when I've said enough. Amen.
Posts: 8419 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Feb 2003
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
Damn, we should have sold tickets to that one. Pyx_e, you find another pair of combatants and I'll get in touch with Don King.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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Kelly Alves
Bunny with an axe
# 2522
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Posted
I just wanted to point out that Chastmastr could have easily haiku'd Ultraspike to death.
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I cannot expect people to believe “
Jesus loves me, this I know” of they don’t believe “Kelly loves me, this I know.”
Kelly Alves, somewhere around 2003.
Posts: 35076 | From: Pura Californiana | Registered: Mar 2002
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
Oh god yes. I forgot about his Special Area of Effect attack. "Mostly Harmless".
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
Oh, what the hell--
On the left hand
That Rum and Uncanny Evangelical Firebrand, in a persona resembling Pinocchio:
Wood-Puppet
On (naturally) the right hand
His ready-to-rumble Onion-Domeness, looking reminiscent of The Boxing Amish:
Mousethief-Puppet
Unfortunately, both hands are those of 5-Year-Old Girl.
"My puppets are MARRIED and they're gonna KISS, tee-hee--MWAH-MWAH-MWAH-MWAH--"
Both puppets spontaneously combust.
"MOMMY!! They did it AGAIN!!..."
DRAW
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
ROTFLMAO
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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ChrisT
One of the Good Guys™
# 62
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Posted
![[Not worthy!]](graemlins/notworthy.gif) Bel, for so many fantasies of so many people being realised in so short a post.
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Firmly on dry land
Posts: 6489 | From: Here, there and everywhere | Registered: May 2001
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Ultraspike
Incensemeister
# 268
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I just wanted to point out that Chastmastr could have easily haiku'd Ultraspike to death.
Not before my special EXP brand incense sent him reeling and convulsing from the arena.
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A cowgirl's work is never done.
Posts: 2732 | From: NYC | Registered: May 2001
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Joyeux
Ship's Lady of Laughter
# 3851
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Posted
Any possibility of Watchman vs anyone? Of course, waiting for days before he'd show up wouldn't be that great...
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Float?...Do science too
Posts: 4318 | From: over th... no, there! | Registered: Dec 2002
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Duo Seraphim*
Sea lawyer
# 3251
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Posted
On my left hand...
Dressed entirely in fuligin and weighing very, very heavy due to the dark matter...watchman-puppet! (possibly also known as ***** [name edited to avoid outing])
On my right hand...
Dressed in sombrero and poncho, the Presbyterian elder from So-Cal, weighing in at a seemly amount and Far Too Nice For Hell...St. Cuervo-puppet!
watchman-puppet springs forward in the posture of the Constipated Rabbit, the manic light of conviction in its eyes and leads with a 5000 word post on the apostollic church, not including the Bible proof-texts. It struts around the ring, sticking its fingers in its ears and ignoring the cat-calls of the crowd.
St. Cuervo-puppet circles alertly in the kata of the Watchful Mantis and probes watchman-puppet's defences. Sure of its ground, it screams "KKKEeeEEAAAIIIii! ANATHEMA!" and attacks with a tightly reasoned theological commentary on God's promise to his Church!
Watchman-puppet reels and counters with a 7000 word post plus quotes from the Book of Revelation, finishing with a cruel smile "If you would only read the Bible, you would see that there are only 144,000 Elect! I love the established churches, even though they are doing Satan's work!"
St. Cuervo-puppet strikes back with a flash of the poncho and a parody on watchman-puppet's theology, in the style of the "Charlie's Angels" prologue.
Wait, there's a disturbance. The crowd are rioting! There's a third puppet in the ring and it's holding up a red card to watchman-puppet...
MATCH SUSPENDED
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2^8, eight bits to a byte
Posts: 3967 | From: Sydney Australia | Registered: Aug 2002
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
Well, Duo Seraphim, that was amusingly apt...
Meanwhile, deep in a secret goverment facility, a stretcher festooned with dimly flickering Muppet-support equipment is wheeled before a panel of Henson Elite™. They survey the charred remains of Wood-puppet, and decide, "We can rebuild him. We have the technology. Funnier - smarter - and with googly eyes just like Cookie Monster™."
ON MY LEFT HAND
That recently-rebuilt high-tech scourge of good taste and purveyor of mental splinters, weighing in at well under a chord...
WOOD the Bionic Puppet!!!
and,
ON MY RIGHT HAND
That Calvinist with Curves and babbler of biased prophecy, unweighed by unspoken threat...
DUCHESS-puppet!!!
For dramatic effect, this will be a cage match! I'm stuffing the puppets down the back of my trousers (the de facto cage), and they can both kiss my ass.
Duchess leans to the RIGHT, and Wood leans the LEFT... er, so nothing new there. With a wry grin, duchess pulls out two implements that are her trademark: an immense Magic 8 Ball that has been highly altered, and an even more immense KJV bible bound in gleaming stainless steel. What can I say? She must have big pockets. Wood looks around for a stunt double.
"Ask the 8 ball a question, Woodie."
Wood looks thoughtful, but that's probably just a leftover affectation from pretending to be a Purgatory Host. Presently, he asks, "Magic Eight Ball, if Duchess attacks me, does that mean she likes me, like everyone else seems to think?"
Duchess turns red. Whether it's due to embarassment, or anger, or simple blood-lust is unclear. Also unclear just how fast that stainless steel bible can move, but its blurry-fast arc slams into Wood with a thunderous whallop.
When the shock of impact passes, it can be seen that Wood has actually caught the KJV-bludgeon with his left hand. With poorly dubbed in synthesizer "mechanical sounds" and in unconvincing slow-motion, Wood proceeds to start crushing the stainless steel binding.
Duchess widens her eyes in disbelief, then screams, "REPENT, HEATHEN! Kiss it, and turn to the RIGHT!" She tackles Wood, and pins him under her right side.
Suddenly, Wood's eyes bulge out, and he gasps, "What's that SMELL?!?".
Duchess shreiks, "It wasn't me! It's this stinky cage match!"
Both puppets thrash in horrible, horrible paroxysms of pain-
Er, sorry, had burritos today.
Captain Simon wanders in, and does a double-take. "RooK, please explain what you are doing with those... puppets?"
[STATIC]
We are experiencig technical difficulties.
Please stand by.
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
(A change of pace)
On my right hand:
Culinary titan, literary giant and Poster Child for Big Boys everywhere. (mwah!)
kenwritez-puppet, yayyyyy!
Aaaand, on my left hand:
Lifeman-puppet! Self-proclaimed Master of Comedy Assessment (confused murmurings from crowd).
DING!
Lifeman-puppet opens with a small and perfectly formed generalisation about the evils of America. kenwritez-puppet congenially catches it in a designer copper-bottomed frypan and sautees with shallots, mushrooms and garlic. Lifeman-puppet moves to pre-dinner conversation on the merits of racialist British comedians. Kenwritez-puppet falters, but Sturdy Wench-Puppet throws her token (a dressed potato) into the ring. Reviving, he places it in his lapel, but the strain of the unfunniness is starting to tell on kenwritez-puppet. He bends over and slaps his buttocks in the direction of Lifeman-puppet. Oblivious to social censure, Lifeman-puppet begins comparing the State of Israel with Nazi Germany. Pushed beyond human endurance, the audience collapse in massed weeping. Paramedics stand by to usher people out and offer emergency trauma counselling. kenwritez is wheeled off on a stainless steel Miele kitchen appliance.
The stadium is empty, Lifeman's ramblings echo in the empty building. Somewhere close by, there is a party going on with fillet mignons and gourmet potato salad.
Outcome: Rain stopped play.
.
[Edit: Bold those names I think]
[ 03. September 2003, 06:08: Message edited by: Icarus the Happy Coot ]
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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RooK
1 of 6
# 1852
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Posted
[HELLHOST PULLS A CARD FROM HIS DARK DECK]
I summon childish inside jokes and petty commentary!
[WHIPS THREAT -ER THREAD AT HEAVEN]
Posts: 15274 | From: Portland, Oregon, USA, Earth | Registered: Nov 2001
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duchess
Ship's Blue Blooded Lady
# 2764
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Posted
RooK is simply obsessed with heaven? Hmmm, good sign.
btw, this is my favorite quote so far
quote:
The stadium is empty, Lifeman's ramblings echo in the empty building. Somewhere close by, there is a party going on with fillet mignons and gourmet potato salad
[ 22. September 2003, 23:21: Message edited by: duchess ]
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♬♭ We're setting sail to the place on the map from which nobody has ever returned ♫♪♮
Ship of Fools-World Party
Posts: 11197 | From: Do you know the way? | Registered: May 2002
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Pyx_e
Quixotic Tilter
# 57
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Posted
For variety (and a substantial prize) the latest two puppet contestants to be plucked from obscurity have been charged with completing an obstacle course. To save arguments they have both been dressed in GI Joe / Action Man cast offs. On my right hand and Smudgie Puppet and on my left Sine Puppet .
So Smudge is in the right hand lane and Sine the left they are faced with four obstacles. The admiral Mid puppet is taken out of the box and he fires the starting Gun. And they are off.
Smudgie with a steely determination streaks up to the first obstacle, a ten foot brick wall. Sine get out his parasol and wanders up to it in a fetching way. Smudge, much to the amusement of the crowd does not notice the wall and runs straight through it, leaving a Penguin shaped hole. Sine clutching his brolly is wafted over the wall on a lilac smelling breeze caused by a huge sigh of admiration from the pink bleachers.
Smudgie still in the lead grabs the rope to swing over the pool of icy water and with a single bound is across, Sine lacking the energy does not make it across and begins to swing back and forth, both ways, clicking his heels together he finds himself at the third obstacle before Smudgie who has stopped on the way to crush some apples and make a refreshing fizzy drink.
They both stop and pause at the penultimate barrier, the ninety foot high one hundred foot long death slide. Smudge, showing her true colours shout “Oh Look, over there Mr T” Sine turning, almost in a faint is suddenly pushed on to the death slide by a suspicious looking flipper. He slides all the way down screaming like a kettle, seeing that he survived penguin girl shoots down also.
They both land before the last impediment, the bear pool a slimy swamp full of mud. Sine dabs a bit on his face. Smudgie offers him a drink of fizzy apple juice they both sit down and ignore the chanting off the crowd. Sine is taken with the restorative powers of the mud. Smudgie tries a bit. They decide to go into business with each other. They can’t be assed to do the last obstacle and decide to go for a nice long bath………….
………….. Later in a huge marble bath (Smudgie has the tap end) Sine shouts “Eureka,” and nearly spills his champagne “ I have thought of a name for our mud pack company.” “Do tell.” she demands. “Smudgie & Co Sine.” He replied.
Result race abandoned due to awful pun by son of a maths teacher.
P
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It is better to be Kind than right.
Posts: 9778 | From: The Dark Tower | Registered: May 2001
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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238
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Posted
I , I ![[Waterworks]](graemlins/bawling.gif)
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"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction
My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com
Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, a true Clash of Titans, a majestically tragic conflict worthy of Achilles and Penthesilea:
On my hands, in a special guest appearance, the stars of Oh, That Sarkycow!, Sarkycow Puppet and Icarus-Coot Puppet!
Ding!
With a shrieking ulutation worthy of Xena herself, Sarkycow Puppet immediately launches herself at Icarus-Coot Puppet. Backflipping through the air, she smashes into him before he has time to do more than deflect the worst of her massive blow. "Oh my," he gasps as he manages to stop rolling.
Glorying in her initial success, Sarkycow Puppet springs again, this time spinning like a propeller. More prepared this time, Icarus-Coot still barely holds his ground as Sarkycow easily eludes his sturdily defensive strikes.
The match rages on, the Irresistible Force and the Immovable Object. Icarus-Coot Puppet's rebuffs become more confident as Sarkycow Pupppet's attacks become more predictable, but the energy of her sallies does not diminish. Icarus-Coot Puppet must surely be vanquished in the end.
What seems to be eons later, the rapt audience notices Icarus-Coot Puppet starting to falter. A blow gets through! He staggers, desperately attempting to keep his concentration intact and the freely flowing blood out of his eyes.
Sarkycow glories in her triumph. "You probably suck at Calculus, too," she malevolently hisses just before leaping to inflict the final, fatal blow.
Ah, the trap that Hubris sets! Like a single electron wreaking havoc upon an isotope, Sarkycow Puppet's casually spiteful remark triggers Icarus-Coot Puppet's Dark Side.
Icarus-Coot Puppet soars through the air.
Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Fear.
Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Gravity.
Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Time.
Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Good or Evil.
Icarus-Coot Puppet is no longer constrained by Conscious Thought.
He has become a Force of Nature.
Had Sarkycow Puppet the time to realize what Icarus-Coot Puppet has become, she would feel terror. Terror deeper than any she has ever felt.
But there is no time. A brief second of surprise--and then oblivion.
Icarus-Coot Puppet stands over the lifeless Sarkycow Puppet. A single tear streams down his face.
The bell is not rung. The audience remains silent.
[ 23. September 2003, 03:07: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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Amazing Grace*
Shipmate
# 4754
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by RooK:
[HELLHOST PULLS A CARD FROM HIS DARK DECK]
I summon childish inside jokes and petty commentary!
So what else is new?
I thought it was considerate of you to move it somewhere Mousethief could still run concessions (thus aiding him in his quest to bump Chorister off the #2 poster spot behind Erin).
quote:
WHIPS THREAT -ER THREAD AT HEAVEN]
It's all good, wherever it is.
Charlotte (aka Amazing Grace)
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.sig on vacation
Posts: 2594 | From: Sittin' by the dock of the [SF] bay | Registered: Jul 2003
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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Icarus the Happy Coot:
kenwritez is wheeled off on a stainless steel Miele kitchen appliance.
Cootster, I'm disappointed in you.
You completely left out the bit where I spritzed him with cold-pressed extra-virgin olive oil, dusted him with basil, rosemary, sea salt, fresh pepper, and slid him into the a pre-greased baking dish with sliced onions and roasted garlic, and into the convection oven at 425 degrees F for 45 minutes.
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"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction
My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com
Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002
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John Donne
Renaissance Man
# 220
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Posted
Orrr. It was only temporary incapacity... and you got to go to a cool party with filet mignons and pot sal! Anyway... he wasn't worthy of you.
Posts: 13667 | From: Perth, W.A. | Registered: May 2001
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Pânts*
Ship's underwear
# 4487
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Posted
what constitutes a game in heaven?
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I'm not here any more. Dial 999 to get me. (No. Please don't really. Bit you could PM me on my new number cos I never get PMs!)
Posts: 8380 | From: The Stables | Registered: May 2003
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Stoo
Mighty Pirate
# 254
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by pants (aka psychosian ):
what constitutes a game in heaven?
Not this.
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This space left blank
Posts: 5266 | From: the director of "Bikini Traffic School" | Registered: May 2001
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Belisarius
Lord Bountiful of Admin (Emeritus) Delights
# 32
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Posted
And now, our Wild Card match--
On my left hand:
Selected at near-random from the Heaven crowd, former eligible bachelor and Wink Murder survivor Tom Day Puppet.
On my right hand:
Plucked from the Newbie Alert Link, please officially welcome EmmaElizabeth Puppet!
EmmaElizabeth Puppet looks bewildered as she finds herself holding what looks like a sickle-headed spear. Holding a trident and net, Tom Day Puppet circles.
"100 Quatloos on the Newcomer!" cries Nightlamp Puppet, bobbing up and down excitedly.
"400 Quatloos against the Newcomer!" shouts Spike Puppet, his arms (as he is permitted to do outside the ring) flailing Kermit-style
"200 Quatloos against!" "500 for the Newcomer!"
"Well, dealing with pants was no problem--I'll be at the pub cracking GreenT jokes in no time," says Tom Day Puppet.
"What are you talking about??" demands EmmaElizabeth Puppet.
"Ah, she's as confused as the Random Thread," Tom gloats as he tosses his net.
"Hey, cut it out!" EmmaElizabeth Puppet throws her weapon sideways to deflect the net--and knocks Tom out cold. Savage boos erupt at the brevity of the match.
EmmaElizabeth Puppet's annoyance is replaced by outrage as she realizes what the audience expects. She heroically poses and shouts:
"No, I won't kill him! Do you hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else!"
"By sparing your helpless enemy--who surely would have destroyed you--you demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy," muses RooK, "something we hardly expected."
EmmaElizabeth Puppet curtsies to cheers, thus bringing the lame Star Trek parody to a merciful end.
[Typo]
[ 24. September 2003, 17:40: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
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Animals may be Evolution's Icing, but Bacteria are the Cake.
Andrew Knoll
Posts: 8080 | From: New York | Registered: May 2001
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