Thread: Heaven: Oh, That Sarkycow! Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
[Introducing Ship of Fools's latest sitcom--it's the zany adventures of the fun-loving, well-meaning Hellhost who somehow always winds up causing disasters]

She's a working girl with a job in Hell,
Though sometimes things don't turn out so well.
She'll get by some way, somehow,
Though trouble always follows Sarkycow!

< Scene: The Hell Office; Rook and Nightlamp are sharpening their pitchforks >

Rook: So, is [CENSORED] or [CENSORED] a better insult?

Nightlamp: It depends on their denomination. < Canned Laughter >

< Sarkycow enters; applause >

Rook: Hey, Sarkycow--how was your weekend?

Sarkycow: Don't ask! < Canned Laughter > On the bus today, this guy wouldn't put his candy wrapper in his pocket but just kept on playing with it and making that crinkly noise--so I wound up decapitating him. < Canned Laughter >

Rook: I hate when that happens. < Canned Laughter >

Nightlamp: So that's why you're late.

Sarkycow < checking watch > Oh, no! Has David noticed--

David < from his office >: SARKYCOOOOOW!!!... < Canned Laughter >

Sarkycow: Uh oh...

[ 17. February 2004, 20:42: Message edited by: Stoo ]
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
David: SARKYCOW, GET IN HERE NOW!!

Sarkycow: Coming, David--

< Scene: David's Office >

David < fuming >: Sarkycow, I have a lot of explaining to do to Heaven--one of their bunnies accidentally wandered in, and, well, how do you explain this? < throws mangled corpse on his desk; Canned Laughter >

Sarkycow: Uh...suicide? < Canned laughter and cheers >

David < sputtering >: Sarkycow, give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire you!

Sarkycow: Because no one else fits my costume? < Canned Laughter and Applause >

David < doing a slow burn >: Sarkycow, I'm giving you one more chance--I'm putting you in charge of the "Lesbian Atheists Duped Me into Having Sex" thread...

[typo]

[ 27. May 2003, 15:45: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
(clutches chest) "It wasn't me! It was the one-armed man!"

Oh... that other David...



(Sits back and eats popcorn.)
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sarkycow: Don't worry, David--I'll do you proud! < stands up suddenly to salute, which upsets David's coffee cup, spilling the scalding contents into his lap >

David: D'OH!!! < Canned Laughter > GET OUT AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'RE SEMI-COMPETENT!!

Sarkycow < sighing > That may be a while < Canned Laughter >...
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Scene: Hell's Hallway >

Sarkycow: David's never been this angry before...I'm really going to have to watch my step--

< A Newbie walks up >

Newbie: Excuse me, but where do I complain--

< In one reflexive motion, Sarkycow disembowels the Newbie >

Sarkycow: Oops. < Canned Laughter >
 

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Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
Sarkycow: Oh sugar! - erm

<remembers she is a mean hard hellhost>

Sarkycow: I mean SH*TSH*TSH*TSH*T!!!!! That's the Newbie that David had put on one side for Erin.

<David stomps into the corridor>

David: Where's that Newbie I've been saving for Erin?

Sarkycow: Oh, er, I was - er - j-just cutting him a nice bit of slack David!

<canned laughter>

David: OK, but don't give him too much rope. And remember Erin wants to see him in 15 minutes for an asshat fitting.

Sarkycow: <sweetly> OK David!!!!

<David stares at her>

Sarkycow: I mean - er

<growling and prodding her fork towards him>

Sarkycow: WHAT IS IT TO YOU, YOU MISERABLE GIT???

David: that's better! <stomps back into office>

Sarkycow: Phew! That was a close call! I'm not sure I can keep up this pretence of being surly and unhelpful for much longer!

<sound of canned audience almost throwing up in merriment>

Sarkycow <dreamily>....I wonder whatever an asshat is ......it must be something really nice if Erin is giving one to a newbie.....she's always giving them to other people.... sigh!.....I do wish someone would give me a dear little asshat....
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sarkycow: I know--I'll just put on the Newbie's skin and see Erin myself! Then I can finally get one of those asshats!

< Canned "UH OH!" sounds >

< as she scoops out the remaining innards from the newbie > Should I check the "Lesbian Atheists Duped Me into Having Sex" thread first?--Nah! What could possibly happen there?

< More Canned "UH OH!" sounds >
 

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Posted by madkaren (# 1033) on :
 
Meanwhile, on the 'Lesbian Atheists duped me into sex' thread.....

MadKaren
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Fundamentalist Poster: [CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED]!!!!

Atheist Poster: [CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED]!!!!

Lesbian Poster: [CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED]!!!!

Celibate Poster: [CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED][CENSORED]!!!!


Rook < strolling in >: I'd better take a look at how Sarkycow's doing...

[ 27. May 2003, 19:34: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Wow. Somebody's got crushy-poo.
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Rook does a double-take >

Rook: NIGHTLAMP! GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

< Rook grabs a firehose and tries to run to the thread, but the hose is too short, causing Rook to be jerked back and to land flat on his back. Canned Laughter. Nightlamp rushes in, trips on the hose, and falls flat on his face. More Canned Laughter >

[typo]

[ 28. May 2003, 18:33: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 

 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Sarkycow is waiting outside Erin's office in her disguise >

Sarkycow: Boy, this Newbie is sure itchy. < Canned Laughter > Wait--he had an FAQ manual on him--I wonder why I never got around to reading it. < Canned Laughter > Let me see what exactly an "asshat" is...

< Sarkycow looks in the manual for a few seconds, then jerks her head up in bug-eyed shock. Canned Laughter >

Sarkycow: Oh, no! I have to get out of here!

Erin < from her office >: BRING THE NEWBIE TO ME!

< Sarkycow trembles in amusing terror. Canned Laughter >
 

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Posted by Lifeman (# 579) on :
 
Bilisarious,

I can't wait until this new sit com hits UK TV -
the scriptwriters must include at least one episode (maybe one series!) about Miss Cow's strong feminist characteristics.

Don't forget that the county of Essex should be an important backdrop for several episodes.

Any chance of Lifeman making the odd cameo appearance?
 

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Posted by Louise (# 30) on :
 
< as Sarky cowers behind the nearest potted plant in dread fear of Erin, she realises that her outfit is lacking a certain something.

She glances over towards the filthy, decrepit cages in the waiting room marked 'Troll Petting Zoo'. There, passed out on the floor is a drunk troll. Aha! Instantly she grabs her Hell-host regulation issue machete and expertly trepans the top off Lifeman's skull while he is snoozing. Some deft carving and a quick bit of superglue to stick it to a handy shell background and pin she made earlier, and she has the very brooch her ensemble was lacking.>

And so Lifeman makes a cameo appearance.
 

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Posted by sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Ok, where's the scene where I bollock all the Heaven hosts for being wet, incompetant namby-pambies? Cause that happens most days in Hosts...

Viki
 

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Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
Notice to all ShipMates

You don't realise just how close to the truth this is...

[Smudgie kindly put this message from me. What a lovely lady]

[ 28. May 2003, 08:16: Message edited by: ChrisT ]
 

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Posted by Ham'n'Eggs (# 629) on :
 

quote:

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she has the very brooch her ensemble was lacking

And so Lifeman makes a cameo appearance.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Smudgie:
Notice to all ShipMates

You don't realise just how close to the truth this is...

[Smudgie kindly put this message from me. What a lovely lady]

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Isn't it nice when even a lordly host can admit to his mistakes????
 

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Posted by Lifeman (# 579) on :
 
(camera pans to open view of Essex countryside as Lifeman is seen heading back North with a sore head)
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Rook: Wait a minute--don't we have a supernatural power-of-life-and-death over these posters?

Nightlamp: NOW HE REMINDS ME! < Canned Laughter >

< Meanwhile, in Erin's Office >

Viola: Should I hang these remains on the Boards as a warning?

Erin: Nah--we have enough of that already. Just use the incinerator.

< Sarkycow gulps. Canned Laughter >
 

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Posted by madkaren (# 1033) on :
 
<Erin motions to a couple of apprentices to drag the corpse away>

1st apprentice - so how are you finding things

2nd apprentice - I heard Hell is missing a Hellhost, and RooK n Nightlamp sure are pissed about it. Turns out she left a thread out of control and the fires have threatened the whole ship.

Sarkycow (under breath) - Oh *****, I've got to get away from here.

1st apprentice - I think this corpse is moving...

Madkaren
 

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Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 
The apprentices pale as from the depths of a distant Eurovision thread issue sounds of heaven hosts carousing together. Seeing they're distracted, Sarky siezes her chance and makes a break for it.
 

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Posted by Lifeman (# 579) on :
 
(Lifeman eventually makes it back to the North and prepares to employ his skills as a master of comedy assessment for 'the Sark Cow show')
 

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Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Belisarius:
< Rook grabs a firehouse... >

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Cool! Throwing pies and firehouses! Good thing my neighbour has satellite and doesn't mind me coming over to watch!
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Rook and Nightlamp stand in the incinerated wasteland that was the "Lesbian Atheists Duped Me Into Sex" Thread >

Nightlamp: Maybe we overreacted. < Canned laughter >

Rook: I feel a strange emptiness.

Nightlamp: That's because you haven't had lunch. < More Canned laughter >

Rook: Oh, right--well, I'd better eat in today. < Takes a chomp out of Fundamentalist Poster; Laugh Track goes into hysterics >
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< As Sarkycow is dragging herself away, she bumps into a lamp. This leads to a chain reaction of crashing furniture >

Apprentices: IT'S ALIVE!!! < Canned Laughter >

< Sarkycow jumps out of the Newbie's skin and runs for it... >
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< David is in his office sipping tea >

David: Things have been so peaceful < swivels his seat to Viewing Screen >--I'll take one glance at the Board and then I can go home early--

< Within Seconds, he sees what's left of the "Lesbian Atheists Duped Me Into Sex" Thread and the surrounding mess. Furious, he clenches his hands, crushing the teacup. Canned Laughter >

David: SARKYCOOOOOW!!!...
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Scene: The Styx. The scalded, limping survivors of the "Lesbian Atheists Duped Me Into Sex" Thread are complaining >

Celibate Poster: We weren't treated in a Christian manner!

Atheist Poster: This place confirms Christianity's worst stereotypes!

Fundamentalist Poster: One of the Hosts ate my spleen! < Canned Laughter... >
 

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Posted by soggy_amphibian (# 2487) on :
 
SarkyCow: [to Herself] how do I get out of this one? I know, I need to distract them.
Maybe I could get away with starting another Heaven/Hell war?

<Cue dramatic music>
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sarkycow: ...but first, I need my pitchfork!

< Scene: Hell Office. Sarkycow is jogging back when she sees an apoplectic David. Does an abrupt about-face; canned laughter >

David: SARKYCOOOOOW!!!!

Sarkycow: What will I do??--I know! I'll go through the air conditioning system! < squeezes into nearest vent > Oooh, tight fit! Only low-fat posters from now on! < Canned laughter >

[ 29. May 2003, 20:18: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Later, inside a dark passage >

Sarkycow: Ah, there's finally a light--

< but the passage, not meant to carry anything except air currents, suddenly collapses under her weight. Sarkycow crashes through and plummets a story right smack into the Styx commotion >

Sarkycow: OOF! Good thing I landed on this poster! < Canned laughter >

Fundamentalist Poster < moaning > Why me?? < Canned laughter >

Lesbian Poster: Oh no! We aggravated one of the Hosts so much that she tried to kill herself!

Atheist Poster: I didn't realize we were being so obnoxious! Can you ever forgive us?

Celibate Poster: WE'LL NEVER ARGUE AGAIN!

< Posters start crying and form Group Hug >

Laugh Track: AAAAAAAWWWWWWWW...

< David bursts in and stops dead >

David: Ruth, why aren't these posters angry anymore??

Ruth < looks up >: There are posters here? < Canned Laughter > Oh--whatever--time for Happy Hour. < leaves to canned laughter and applause >

David: Sarkycow, I don't know how you did it, but good work--I may even promote you.

Sarkycow: Uh, OK. < Canned Laughter >

David: See you tomorrow. < leaves >

Sarkycow < to self as sappy music plays >: I learned something important today, and that's...that's...oh, I'll figure it out later. Hey Ruth--wait up! < Fadeout to canned laughter and cheers >

NEXT EPISODE: SARKYCOW'S BLIND DATE

[ 30. May 2003, 01:39: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 


More! More!! More!!!


 

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Posted by Lifeman (# 579) on :
 
I'm looking forward to the Blind date episode.....
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
She's a working girl with a job in Hell,
Though sometimes things don't turn out so well.
She'll get by some way, somehow,
Though trouble always follows Sarkycow!

< Scene: The Hell Office; Rook and Nightlamp are sharpening their pitchforks >

Rook: Do you think it's better to impale a troll from the front or from behind?

Nightlamp: Oh, the front, definitely, so you can see its expression. < Canned Laughter >

< Sarkycow enters; applause >

Rook: Hey, Sarkycow--how did the Church Dance go last night?

Sarkycow: Don't ask! < Canned Laughter > I didnt' want to dance with this guy, but he just wouldn't take no for an answer, so I wound up punching a hole through his chest. < canned laughter > No one else asked me the whole night!

Nightlamp: Maybe you should ask one of the Admins to set you up with someone.

Sarkycow: Oh, I don't know...
 

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Posted by welsh dragon (# 3249) on :
 
She's just like that in real life you know...
 

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Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
I keep imagining this theme song here, only with visuals of random violence and destruction...
 

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Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
The Best Friend song keeps playing in my head...
 

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Posted by Paul W (# 1450) on :
 
*Must resist urge to create animation of this thread*
*Must resist urge to create animation of this thread*
*Must resist urge to create animation of this thread*
*Must resist urge to create animation of this thread*
*Must resist urge to create animation of this thread*



Paul W
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Nightlamp: Well, I can't think of anything else, especially after that Tigglet's Dating Agency incident.

Sarkycow: How was I supposed to know the thread would be so flammable? < Canned laughter > Heaven just isn't the place for me--I know! I'll check out that party tonight on the All Saints board!

Nightlamp/Rook: Uh oh... < Canned Laughter >
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue: All Saints >

Motherboard < standing in the midst of a pile of moaning, wrecked bodies >: Sarkycow, how could you? < canned laughter >. It's going to take me hours to sew all the severed limbs back on!

Sarkycow: I'm sorry if I got carried away, but I thought men would like a woman who can compete--

Motherboard: THIS WAS A SHUFFLEBOARD TOURNAMENT! < Canned hysterics > I really think you need to try a different style of dating.

Sarkycow < weakly >: Would having a rematch help?

Motherboard: OUT! < canned laughter >
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< The next day--Sarkycow is at her desk filling out an elaborate form >

Nightlamp: I won't say I told you so, but--

Sarkycow: Oh, don't rub it in! I can't make heads or tails out of most of these questions! "What's my Myers-Briggs Type?" How should I know?? The Admins might as well flip a coin--wait a minute! That's what I'll do to finish this stupid form!

< Starts doing so--Canned "UH OH!" sounds >

Nightlamp: Are you sure you should do that? Don't say I didn't warn you--

< Sarkycow reflexively lunges her pitchfork into Nightlamp's side >

Nightlamp: OUCH! < Canned laughter--Nightlamp pulls it out > All right, all right, I'm going...

< David angrily approaches >

David: SARKYCOW!

< Sarkycow starts, scattering papers. Canned laughter >

David: Sarkycow, you are not employed here for the purpose of furthering your admittedly limited social life!

Sarkycow: Oh, David, don't be such a grouch! Don't you want to find a special someone?

David < having another slow burn >: Sarkycow, being as I am the mastermind of the processes keeping Hell's foul chaos from engulfing the other Boards, which often include the execution of punishments too hideous for the human mind to conceive and remain sane, WHAT DO YOU THINK? < Canned tittering >

Sarkycow: Uh...

David: I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT! < grabs form and stuffs it in Sarkycow's mouth. Canned hysterics and applause; David stomps out >

Sarkycow < spitting out form >: Boy, is David grumpy today--now let me finish this form < continues flipping coin; canned laughter >
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< That evening--Sarkycow enters a designated spot in Limbo >

Sarkycow: Boy, the results came back fast! I hope I'm not late--< rips off arm of a passerby and looks at watch; canned laughter > No, I'm just on time! < glances at sheet > Now, he should be at one of these tables and wearing an orange carnation--

< She sees Icarus Coot sitting at a table wearing an orange carnation on his tweed jacket, sipping tea with one pinky raised while reading Poetry Quarterly >

Sarkycow: A Heaven Host??? < Canned hysterics >

[typo]

[ 03. June 2003, 05:20: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by Icklicus Angelicus (# 3588) on :
 
<uncanned hysterics>
 

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Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
PaulW - you know you want to, go on...
 

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Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 

 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sarkycow < after hastily tossing away the passerby's arm >: Uh, Icarus?

IC < looks up, stands and makes a slight bow > Enchanté, Ms. Cow. Pray sit down--would you like to join me in a cup of Earl Grey?

Sarkycow: No thanks. < under breath > I need something stronger. < canned laughter >

IC: I see you are a Hellhost--that must be most interesting--I don't know if I could take the excitement. < polite chuckle >

Sarkycow < blurting >: No, you couldn't. < canned laughter > Uh, what I mean is, I'm sure Heaven's an interesting place too--sorry about that Tigglet's Dating Agency incident. < canned laughter >

IC < with the briefest of sighs >: Ah, I thought you seemed familiar--well, no permanent damage was done.

Sarkycow: Oh, good--I'm so relieved. Well, what do you want to do tonight?

IC < politely chuckling while carefully putting his Poetry Quarterly back in his briefcase >: You certainly get to the point, Sarkycow. After we enjoy some supper, our activity choices are, of course, entirely up to you.

< Canned "UH OH!" noises... >
 

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Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
I hope IC is wearing a Sarky-proof vest underneath his dapper outer
 

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Posted by soggy_amphibian (# 2487) on :
 
Narrator: Deep in Small Fire, where no SarkyCow would ever dare to tread, a meeting is taking place.
Nightlamp: Right, just on the offchance that SarkyCow's explorations for romance somehow don't work out in Heaven
(Canned laughter, canned audience member yelling "AS IF")
Nightlamp: we need to set up a blind date for SarkyCow. What sort of people does she like?
Ruth: She LIKES people???
(Canned laughter)
Nightlamp: She watches Buffy The Vampire Slayer... can we set her up with Xander, Xander's her sort of chap, can we get Xander?
RooK: What about getting Buffy herself?
(Canned laughter)
Ruth: They've both got a violence thing going on.

(Cue Guest Appearances)
(Erin enters, many canned cheers)
Erin: Did someone say violence?
Motherboard: Careful, she'll hear us!

(Icarus Coot runs through the board faster than Superman on steroids, on fire, wearing a bikini and screaming. He doesn't stop)

RooK: I'd better go and find out what happened.
Nightlamp: I have a better idea. Let's send a random poster to find out what happened.
(Canned laughter)
RooK: Where's Belisarius?
(OTT canned laughter)...
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sarkycow < Running after IC >: I'm sorry, Icarus! I thought that club would loosen you up a little! < Canned laughter--she loses sight of him >

Rook: I guess I'll talk to her. < approaches > Too bad about that date with the Heaven Host.

Sarkycow: How did you know I was going out with a Heaven Host?? I didn't know!! Those forms are supposed to be confidential!!

Ruth: Oops. < Canned laughter > Oh well--whatever < goes back to chugging; canned merriment over her catchphrase >

Sarkycow: I'm going to make it up to him somehow! I'll kill if necessary!

< Everyone in hearing distance--even Ruth--starts backing away slowly. Canned laughter >

[ 03. June 2003, 21:14: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
Sarkycow: < Running after IC >: Icarus! Icarus! <waving toasting fork seductively> come back! Icarus!! I - I - I l-l-l-like you!

<Canned sentimental 'aaawwwwwww'>

Icarus: Egad, I am sorely tempted by the wench.

<Sarkycow hooks her fork through his bow tie and starts to pull him towards her>

Icarus: I'm in her power...it's strangly pleasant!

Sarkycow: Ha! You mean strangely pleasant. Preview vocaliastion is your friend, dumbass!!! I mean, my darling, little dumbass!

<canned laughter>

Icarus: <hoarsely> No, I mean STRANGLY...aaarrrghhh......let my tie go....

<canned audience nearly wets itself>

Ruth: Icarus! Hold on! Repeat after me - Preview post is my friend! Sarkycow is not my friend! Preview post is my friend! Sarkycow is not my friend!

RooK: Yeah, whatever! Well, laugh, damn you! It worked for Ruth!

<canned hysteria & applause>
 

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Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
I think somebody wants to be a play writer secretly dreaming.
 

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Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
We interrupt briefly for a Clarification Request from the Nielsen Focus Group Test Audience; a round woman in a red shirt which clashes with her lilac eye color enters to ask:

*ahem* "Excuuuuse me? We would like to know, please, just for purposes of clarification you understand...

"Was the Icarus character dressed in a bikini brief, similar to a racer's snug Speedo swimsuit? Or a thong, perhaps?

"Or was it a full-blown, tied-on-the-sides, complete with C-cup brassiere top, bikini?

<bobs a curtsy>

"Thank you all."
 

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Posted by soggy_amphibian (# 2487) on :
 
Somehow I can't imagine young Icarus showing much skin.

I guess the answer is "use your imagination"
 

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Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by soggy_amphibian:
Somehow I can't imagine young Icarus showing much skin.

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Unlike our dear Belisarius - have you seen the picture in his profile?
 

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Posted by Veritas (# 4420) on :
 
Indeed! I was happily picturing an elegant and refined "Lord Bountiful of Hostly Delights" and was rather taken aback at the picture...

Still, he has undeniable talents in the sitcom-writing arena. Scarily good at it in fact.

Sits back with popcorn waiting for the next installment
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
[Many thanks. The photo, BTW, emphasizes the jollier interpretation of "Lord Bountiful," but there was no room in the poolchair for a cornucopia]

< IC's bowtie snaps and he falls to the ground >

IC: OOF! I landed on the burnt side! < Canned laughter >

Sarkycow: Oh, no! Let me help you up!

IC: DON'T USE THE PITCHFORK! < Canned laughter >

Sarkycow: Oops. < throws pitchfork down, grabs him by the scruff of the neck and yanks him up > Sorry again--well, it's getting late--do you want to do something tomorrow?

IC: Uh... < going through the motions of finding his date book in his tattered briefcase > ...I'll have to see if I have any commitments--

Sarkycow < depressed >: Never mind--Nice meeting you, Icarus. < Shuffles away; laugh track groans sympathetically >

IC: Sarkycow, wait--

Sarkycow: Don't worry--just send an invoice of the damages. < Canned laughter >

IC < limping after her >: Sarkycow, I'll be frank--maybe you're right, maybe I am too stuffy, too formal--

Sarkycow: And too prissy. < Canned laughter >

IC: --anyway, maybe I do need to, as you say, "loosen up," but we may still be just too different.

Sarkycow: Oh, Icarus, I was wrong to try to make you something you're not! I know I'm a little too...too--

IC < diplomatically >: Energetic? < Canned laughter >

Sarkycow: Yeah, that's it. < canned laughter > But if you give me one more chance, I can try meeting you halfway, you dear little wimp.

Laugh Track: AAWWWWWWWWWWWWW

< pause >

IC < going through date book > Let me see...I need to spend a few days on the Shore Leave thread for this broken rib I seem to have, but I do believe I'm free this Saturday--

Sarkycow: Oh, Icarus! < embraces him >

IC: OUCH! THE RIB!

Sarkycow: Oops.

< Canned laughter and applause >

NEXT EPISODE: SARKYCOW AND THE PARKING TICKET
 

---

Posted by LesleyW (# 4445) on :
 
Don't like to be picky, but was IC wearing a bow tie with the bikini? I just like to get the mental image right.
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 

 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
Awwwww Should Smudgie buy a new hat in preparation?*

*joke for UK viewers, a hark back to Blind Date - a TV program that did what it said on the tin - where the hostess (Cilla Black) would joke about 'buying a new hat' if the couple got on very well. I believe they had two marriages through the show.
 

---

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
A sweet reference to 'buying a new hat' beats something one'd hear on "Shipmates" or "Elimidate" today, or shows like that...

Better than saying he'd "bust a move on her" or she'd perform "the wild thang" on him...

*Sigh*

And you can wait forever for references to possible actual relationships forming, or miracle of miracles, for a wedding to pop up.
 

---

Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 
ok. So when's the next episode then? If I have to wait around much longer I may be forced to decamp back to the MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - Darcy thread.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
She's a working girl with a job in Hell,
Though sometimes things don't turn out so well.
She'll get by some way, somehow,
Though trouble always follows Sarkycow!

< Scene: The Hell Office >

Nightlamp: OK, so it's settled--

Rook: SHH! Here she comes--

< Sarkycow enters; Applause >

Rook: Hey Sarkycow--who did you wind up eviscerating this morning? < Canned laughter >

Sarkycow: Oh, stop it--it doesn't happen every morning...however... < canned laughter >

Rook/Nightlamp < showing more than average interest > Yes...

Sarkycow: This guy on a cellphone simply wouldn't lower his voice--

Rook: So, did you wind up doing something involving the phone itself?

Sarkycow: Well, yeah--

Rook: I KNEW IT! Pay up, Nightlamp! < Nightlamp grumbles and reaches for his wallet; Canned laughter >

Sarkycow: You had a bet??

Rook: Of course--bare hands or foreign implement. I've been keeping a graph. < Canned laughter >

Nightlamp: Hey, isn't that cheating?--

< Sarkycow's phone rings >

Sarkycow: Hello?...oh no...tomorrow?...OK--bye. < hangs up phone dejectedly >

Rook: Sarkycow, what's wrong?

Sarkycow: Mum just told me that great-great-aunt Sarkybrontothere died last night. I hadn't seen her since I was very little--before her house arrest--< canned tittering >, but I was named after her. Such a shame.

Nightlamp: We're sorry, Sarkycow. So the funeral's tomorrow?

Sarkycow: No--she had to buried right away. Under 10 feet of concrete--Something about preventing a future armageddon. < Canned laughter >. Tomorrow is the reading of her will--it's going to be so depressing...
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to the next morning >

Sarkycow < bursting in >: SHE LEFT ME A ROLLS ROYCE! < Canned laughter >

Nightlamp: Well, you've cheered up.

Sarkycow < trying to be more somber >: Oh, Nightlamp, I'm just happy Aunt Sarkybrontothere remembered me. < giving up the effort > You should have been there! Now my stuck-up cousin Sarkypeccary knows who the real favorite was! < Canned laughter > Wait till Icarus comes back from his, ahem, break < Canned laughter >--I can't wait to show it to him!

Rook < underneath breath > Just don't run him over first. < Canned laughter >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sarkycow: I can pick it up tomorrow!

Rook: Estates can be processed that quickly?

Sarkycow: Sure--I asked, and the lawyer said yes when he calmed down enough to stop begging for his life. < Canned laughter > Great-Uncle Parabos is bringing it down, which is real sweet, considering he hasn't driven since the Pliocene. < canned laughter >

Nightlamp: I didn't know you had relatives that were so old.

Sarkycow: Oh, it's just genetics and contracts involving unnatural demonic spirits < Canned laughter >. I'd like to live as long, but I guess I'm going to take after the human side of my family. < Canned laughter > But enough about me...
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
I'm back! Are the commercials over yet?
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
[Ah, a loyal fan waits... ]

Sarkycow: ...let's talk more about my car! < Canned laughter >

< David stomps out of his office >

David: Is Sarkycow in? She has some explaining to do about--

Sarkycow: Oh, my poor Aunt Sarkybrontothere! < hides face in handkerchief; canned laughter >

David < disgustedly >: Oh, never mind--it can wait... < goes back into office >

< Sarkycow peeks out from handkerchief, then gives a "thumbs up." Canned laughter >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Scene: Small Fire. With uncharacteristic care, Sarkycow maneuvers her Rolls Royce into view >

Laugh Track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Sarkycow: So much room on this Board! Well, I might as well make fun of the Liturgical Dance while I'm here! < Canned Laughter > Let me just park--

< does so with no difficulty >

--and it's off to choreograph some head-bashing. < canned laughter; Sarkycow tee-hees at her own joke. Just as she has left her car, Mrs. Tubbs appears in a policewoman's uniform >

Mrs. Tubbs < in a brogue >: Now, Miss, what would ye be doing there?

Sarkycow: Uh, I haven't done anything...< to self >...yet. < Canned laughter >

Mrs. Tubbs: Oh, but ye have, ye see. What of the Alternate Parking sign right afore ye? If ye'll but move over to the other side of the street, all will be fine and dandy.

Sarkycow < noticing the sign > Alternate Parking? Oh, that's silly--as if enough people come to Small Fire to have that rule!

< Canned "UH OH!" sounds >

Mrs. Tubbs < dangerously calm >: Well, we all are entitled to our opinions, aren't we, but I must beg to differ with ye. Now if you'll kindly move the car--

Sarkycow < annoyed >: Oh, c'mon! I'm the only car for blocks! Give me a break!

Mrs. Tubbs: So sorry, Miss, but the same law applies to everyone.

Sarkycow < losing her temper >: Yeah, right--aren't there some colored lights you should be putting up?

< More canned "UH OH!" sounds... >
 

---

Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
*whispered aside to ChastMastr*:

Scoot over and pass the popcorn! What do you think comes next?
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Mrs. Tubbs < writing out ticket >: Have it your way, Miss--< puts ticket on windshield > Good day to ye...< walks away >

Sarkycow < walking over to see ticket >: Oh, I may have to pay some chump change, but it was worth it to--THAT MUCH??? WHAT A SCAM!!! IF SHE COMES AROUND HERE AGAIN...

< slams fist on hood; all the Rolls's windows shatter. Canned laughter >

Sarkycow < moaning >: Oh, my poor car... < futilely tries to shove shards back into window frames; canned laughter >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< the next day at the Hell Office >

Sarkycow: ...and with the repairs, it's going to add up to thousands! And I never even got a "I Mocked the Liturgical Dance At Small Fire" T-Shirt! < Canned Laughter >

Rook: I thought everyone had that shirt. < More canned laughter >

Sarkycow: Small Fire is not going to get away with this!

Nightlamp: I don't know what you can do--it does sound like a fund-raising scheme, but you got enough warning.

Sarkycow: I don't care. The law is unjust!

Rook: Oh, c'mon, Sarkycow, you're starting to sound like a Newbie < Canned laughter >

Sarkycow: I don't care--I'll sue if I have to...

[ 10. June 2003, 19:53: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
(passes the popcorn!)


 

---

Posted by Icklicus Angelicus (# 3588) on :
 
more! more! where's my next installment???

throws "neighbours-is-late"-like rage...
 

---

Posted by soggy_amphibian (# 2487) on :
 
Waiting... <canned laughter>

 

---

Posted by jedijudy (# 1059) on :
 
Tell me the show hasn't been cancelled already!!!
 

---

Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
<Tannoy announcement>

SARKYCOW TO SEE DAVID....SARKYCOW TO SEE DAVID....

Sarkycow; Oh blithering blasts! That's torn it!

Rook: Better get in there now. I'll hold the fort.

Nightlamp: I fort you would, RooK!

<canned hysteria abruptly starts and stops>

IN DAVID'S OFFICE.

<David is stroking large fluffy cat>

Sarkycow: Why David! what are you doing with Erin's p-

David: I'll make the single entendres Ms Cow.

Sarkycow: Yes, David.

David: It has come to our attention you have been rather sparing with your fork of late.

Sarkycow: Wh-wh-what do you mean?

David: A small pestilence has descended upon Hell by the name of Detumescent Dick or somesuch and I have had complaints that you have failed to fork him as vigorously as might be expected.

Sarkycow: That's because no decent girl would touch him with a pitchfork!

David: We didn't give you this job to be decent, my dear.

Sarkycow: I'm sorry David. I was visiting Smallfire. And before that I was on a date with Icarus Coot. And he seems to have rubbed off on me.

David: Spare me the un-sordid details.

<canned laughter>

Sarkycow: I mean, I can't swear or cuss anymore!

David: Indeed! One had noticed you no longer seem to enjoy giving newbies a metaphorical keelhauling.

Sarkycow: I do! I do!

David: Be quiet girl, I haven't proposed yet!

<canned audience cheers, wolfwhistles etc>

David: We've decided to give you one last chance, my dear, before we reassign you to All Saints. There's one board that needs shaking up and we think you're the one to do it.

<enter Alan Creswell. Loud cheers and applause from audience>

Alan Creswell: Hello David old chap, its terribly civil and public minded of you to lend us your best hostess to help us with our backlog of classical theology threads!

David: Yes, isn't it!

<cat miaows loudly>

Alan Cresswell: I say, isn't that Erin's moggy? Would you like me to return it for you? She's bound to drop in to Purg for a civilised discussion about the Holy Trinity and feminism before too long!

David: No, that won't be necessary, Alan.

<aside to Sarkycow>

David: Because all your nice, polite, civilised little threads will be covered in scatological substances and re-routed to Hell before you get a chance! You'll be spouting four letter words with worst of them before the day is out, Alan Cresswell! Won't he, Sarkycow!!!!

Sarkycow: Oh cripes! All my expletives seem to have been deleted just when I needed them! At this rate I'll be stuck in Purgatory starting threads on cucumber sandwiches for all eternity!
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
[Sorry for the delay!]

Sarkycow: ...what am I saying? I'm a Hellhost! No Purgatorial nattering can affect me!

< Segue: A Purgatorial Cubicle >

Sarkycow < wearing reading glasses > Oooh, "Vandal Worship in Roman Churches!" It's about time this topic was addressed!--let me put up some reference links...

< Canned hysteria >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Meanwhile, in Hell >

David < apprehensively >: Without Sarkycow's blunders, Hell is too quiet! At this rate, we'll be downsized! I'll have to do Rook and Nightlamp's work--become a Host again! Ew! < Canned laughter > I never thought I'd want her back, but it's time to bite the bullet--ROOK! NIGHTLAMP!

< they come in >

Rook: Why are you yelling like that? We're not Sarkycow! < Canned laughter >

David: I have determined that Sarkycow's mission is a failure--you will retrieve her...
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sarkycow: Tsk--another homoousion/homoiousion mixup--I hope it's a typo--would hate to think anyone is that ignorant--< Canned Laughter; Rook and Nightlamp burst in >

Nightlamp: Good news, Sarkycow--you can come back to Hell!

Sarkycow: In what way are you using the term "Good News?" If you are alluding to the vernacular titling of the Gospels, I'm afraid such terminology is frowned upon here...

< Nightlamp and Rook slowly back out; Canned hysterics >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Back in Hell... >

David: What do you MEAN, she's not back??

Nightlamp: Sorry, David--we were too freaked out!

Rook < whimpering >: You can't make us go back! < Canned laughter >

David: CEASE YOUR WHINING! BRING HER BACK--I DON'T CARE HOW!!

< Outside of David's office >

Nightlamp: What are we going to do??

Rook: I don't care < going through mail >--I'd rather sort all the Boards' mail instead--wait a minute--Here's a notice from Admins--Sarkycow never paid her ticket, so they're garnishing that AND a penalty from her wages!

Nightlamp: Well, well, well... < Canned "UH OH!" sounds >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< In purgatory >

Sarkycow: ...Tsk--Reform and Conservatism are not mutually exclusive--where do these posters come from?...

< Nightlamp and Rook enter >

Nightlamp: Er, hello, Sarkycow.

Sarkycow: Ah--not particularly informative, but adequately concise. < Canned tittering >

Rook < whispering > Get this over with! PLEASE! < Canned laughter >

Nightlamp: Well, Sarkycow, there's this, uh, reference we'd like your opinion on.

Sarkycow < reaching for Admins' notice >: Very well--such a small publication should be easy to analyze...oh, it's for me...so..my wages are being...GARNISHED...< her face starts contorting; canned laughter >...how does this...< chokes it out > EVENT...< Canned laughter > prove... reflect on the financial nature...of...of...yes, yes...the financial NATURE of--AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!! <CENSORED> <CENSORED> <CENSORED> <CENSORED> <CENSORED> <CENSORED>!!!!!!!!!!!! < Canned hysterics; Nightlamp and Rook hastily exit right before Alan Cresswell enters >

AC: Sarkycow, what is the meaning of this outburst??

Sarkycow: AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!! SARKYCOW SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!! < In a blatant ripoff of a recently-released movie, Sarkycow slams her fists on her desk, splitting it in two. Canned hysterics >

AC: In what possible way does that poorly-constructed communication--

Sarkycow: AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! < lifts AC over her shoulders and throws him out of the office; even more canned hysterics >

AC < weakly moaning outside >: That personal attack does nothing to prove your point... < Canned laughter >

Sarkycow: HEY GUYS!! WAIT UP!! < runs out; Canned laughter and applause >

NEXT EPISODE: SARKYCOW IN HEAVEN

[ 24. June 2003, 03:37: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
And now, a word from our sponsors:

reprisal

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled hilarity. Well, OK, there might be some babbling non-hilarity before the hilarity, but we're hoping that there will, in fact, be some more hilarity eventually.

[Your typos were hilarious ]

[ 25. June 2003, 19:38: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
More! MORE!! MORE!!!

David
eagerly looking forward to the Reprisal Show too!
 

---

Posted by snowgoose (# 4394) on :
 
<snarfs a handful of David's popcorn when he isn't looking>

Sar-KY! Sar-KY! Sar-KY!
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by snowgoose:
<snarfs a handful of David's popcorn when he isn't looking>

Sar-KY! Sar-KY! Sar-KY!

---

(Popcorns a handful of snowgoose's Snarf when she isn't looking!)
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
*wanders in wearing a "Sarky For Big Brother" t-shirt*

Can I have some popcorn as well, please? Thanks awfully.
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
Sure! And some of my Snarf (a different one) as well!
 

---

Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
< In Heavenly Hosts' pink fluffy boudoir >

<Icarus Coot is combing Belisarius' beard. Stoo and ChrisT are playing cat's cradle with some sparkly shoelaces>

Icarus: (sighs) This is jolly good fun, guys, but it's not the same -

ChrisT}:
Icarus Coot}:
Belisarius}: (in unison) As it was when Sarky was around! We know!

ChrisT: Look old chap, Sarky is a Hellhost. You're better off without her.

Stoo: Yes, better to fork - get her!

<Hysterical laughter>

<Sarky's voice from outside>

Sarky: OK, OK David, I get the picture!

<Icarus Coot looks up hopefully>

<Enter Sarky Cow. Audience erupts with applause, cat calls etc>

Icarus: Sarky! It's you!

Sarky: No ****, Sherlock

Icarus: No, it's me, Icarus! No-**** Sherlock isn't here!

<Audience supporting each other as they laugh so much they fall off chairs>

Stoo: She means, well, that's no blithering surprise.

Sarky: No, I mean that's no blithering surprise, Asshat!

<Audience falling around gasping for breath>

Belisarius: Kindly moderate your Hellish parlance, Madam.

ChrisT: Yeah, can it, sweetheart.

Icarus: Whoops! someone's in for another refresher course on Heavenly Hosting!

Sarky: Who are you telling to can it, Pointy Bra Man?

<Audience unable to utter more than low moans of mirth>

ChrisT: It's a feckin' air guitar, you - you -

Belisarius: Please confine yourself to Heavenly epithets, Chris.

ChrisT: I was going to, you stupid -

<Belisarius clears throat warningly>

ChrisT: I mean, Stoo, piddling in the sink again! I saw him! What on earth is the world coming to!

<Audience nearly has to be taken away in ambulances to recover from overwhelming mirth>

Stoo: That's not fair! I was piddling in the bath!

<Cut to David, watching prodeeding on a close-circuit monitor>

David: (stroking cat) Already they are at each other's throats! My plan is proceeding splendidly!

<Phone rings. He picks it up>

David: Alan! My friend! What can I fail to do for you?

<Ripple of laughter from audience, unsure if this is funny or not but doing their best>

David: You say Purgatory is no fun anymore and you want Sarky back to spice things up a bit?
Excellent!

<Puts phone down>

David: I am in charge of Sarky and soon I will be in charge of everything! Simon and Erin will powerless to stop me!

<Enter Erin>

<Audience goes ballistic>

Erin: Not so fast. When I've finished with you your asshat's sons will have asshats, you *******!

<Audience find they can still go up one more level in hilarity>

[edited for Prime-Time Viewing]

[ 25. June 2003, 17:17: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Jenny Ann (# 3131) on :
 
Jenny Ann considers talking to a lawyer about sueing for deformation on behalf of Stoo.....Maybe she should speak to him about this first...
 

---

Posted by Icklicus Angelicus (# 3588) on :
 
ahem...

did you mean:

defORmation - 1: a change for the worse [syn: {distortion}] 2: the act of twisting or deforming the shape of something

or

defAMation - Act of injuring another's reputation by any slanderous communication, written or oral; the wrong of maliciously injuring the good name of another; slander; detraction; calumny; aspersion.


either way...

<sweeping bow>

Ship's lawyer at your service ma'am.

You want a libel case honey? It's in the bag... now all we gotta do is... <lowers voice>
 

---

Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :
 
Bel wrote:

quote:

---

Sarkycow: ...and with the repairs, it's going to add up to thousands! And I never even got a "I Mocked the Liturgical Dance At Small Fire" T-Shirt! < Canned Laughter >

---

You get those from Mystery Worship We sell the "I went to Small Fire and All I Got Was This Lousy "

Tubbs
 

---

Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Icklicus Angelicus:
ahem...

did you mean:

defORmation - 1: a change for the worse [syn: {distortion}] 2: the act of twisting or deforming the shape of something

or

defAMation - Act of injuring another's reputation by any slanderous communication, written or oral; the wrong of maliciously injuring the good name of another; slander; detraction; calumny; aspersion.

---

I read it that she is going to sue Stoo to get him deformed.

Might be wrong though - maybe SOF should take a professional opinion on it.
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 


*trying desperately not to burst out with raucous laughter in an open plan office...*
 

---

Posted by Jenny Ann (# 3131) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Icklicus Angelicus:
ahem...

did you mean:

defORmation - 1: a change for the worse [syn: {distortion}] 2: the act of twisting or deforming the shape of something

or

defAMation - Act of injuring another's reputation by any slanderous communication, written or oral; the wrong of maliciously injuring the good name of another; slander; detraction; calumny; aspersion.


either way...

<sweeping bow>

Ship's lawyer at your service ma'am.

You want a libel case honey? It's in the bag... now all we gotta do is... <lowers voice>

---

Sorry, the second one. I have no spelling skills. I am pleased to offer you the position of Stoo's lawyer. Congratulations!

J (P.A. to the wonderous heaven host that is Mr. Stoo Berry.)
 

---

Posted by Icklicus Angelicus (# 3588) on :
 
[MR BURNS STYLE VOICE]
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexcellent
[/MR BURNS STYLE VOICE]

So what are you after? I reckon we could manage a 6-figure sum with relatively little effort* specially if Stoo has suffered severe mental distress since the alleged libellous act.

*no relationship to the number of hours i will be forced to bill you for
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
[Fanks for the new location, Arrietty ]
 

---

Posted by Jenny Ann (# 3131) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Icklicus Angelicus:
if Stoo has suffered severe mental distress

---

How would you tell?

And I reckon we could get legal aid, we're both poor y'know!

J

[ 25. June 2003, 21:50: Message edited by: Jenny Ann ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
David: Oooh, I love it when you talk dirty--< the two lock lips and grope in a PG-rated fashion >

Laugh Track: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

< Sarkycow barges in, holding an icepack to her head; David and Erin hastily separate >

Sarkycow: Sorry I'm late--I went on one last night of Hellish behavior before seeing Icarus again--

< Erin saunters out, leaving David boiling with rage >

David: Before seeing Icarus, Sarkycow? Perhaps you should watch this Instant Replay--

< Pushes button to replay...

Icarus: Sarky! It's you!

Sarky: No ****, Sherlock

Icarus: No, it's me, Icarus! No-**** Sherlock isn't here!

<Audience supporting each other as they laugh so much they fall off chairs>

Stoo: She means, well, that's no blithering surprise.

Sarky: No, I mean that's no blithering surprise, Asshat! >

< Canned delight at seeing such a reprise >

Sarkycow: I did that?? Oh no!!...
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Later... >

Nightlamp: ...so Sarkycow swore on the Styx Board to Icarus Coot that she would act more Heavenly from now on.

Rook: Ooh, juicy! But she'll never be able to keep it up--

Nightlamp: I don't know; she's very open to the powers of suggestion. Remember what happened in Purgatory?--

Rook: Oh, that's right... < Scene fade/Flashback Sound Effect >

Nightlamp: OH, CUT IT OUT! IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO! < Scene fade/Flashback Sound Effect stops >

Rook: Sorry. < Canned laughter >

< Sarkycow haltingly enters wearing a demure choir robe and balancing a book on her head. Canned laughter >

Nightlamp/Rook: Sarkycow??

Sarkycow: Please--it's Holycow now.

< Canned Laughter... >
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
Holycow, Batman! It's the Hellhost, in disguise!
 

---

Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
RooK: Holy Cow?

Nightlamp: Is this a joke?

RooK: No, it's a moostake!

<canned laughter>

Sarkycow: You won't get to me like that, lads! Sticks and stones may break my bones -

Nightlamp: OK!

<Picks stick up and prepared to chuck it at Sarkycow>

<Enter Icarus Coot>

Icarus Coot: Noooooo! Don't hurt Holycow!

<Stands in front of Sarky with arms outstretched>

Nightlamp: OK, I'll hurt you then!

<Chucks stick. It flies over Icarus and Sarky and hits RooK>

RooK: Come here, you assing asshat!

Nightlamp: Oh, ****!

<Nightlamp runs off, chased by RooK waving stick>

Sarkycow: Hello Icky! How do I look?

Icarus Coot: You look - heavenly!

<Audience sighs sentimentally>

Sarkycow: I'm feeling sort of guilty though, Icky.

Icarus Coot: That's good! Guilt is good! You mean you're feeling guilty because of all the nasty things you did with your pitchfork before you saw the light?

Sarkycow: No, I'm feeling guilty about leaving those two pathetic wimps to run Hell on their own! Look at it! Threads for newbies - coherent arguments - people being polite - threads being allowed to run without being gratuitously closed or moved by Nightlamp - it's going to Limbo in a handbasket!

Icarus: That's not your problem any more Holycow

Sarkycow: (sadly)No, Icarus, I have a high calling that can't be denied. A calling to rubbish people's pathetic attempts at satire. A calling to wield the power of a Host arbitrarily, whimsically and without redress. A calling to post sarcastic comments about people's spelling and grammar, just because I can. A calling to bust Nightlamps' ass.

Icarus Coot: Holy Cow? What's come over you?

Sarkycow: (remembering to be heavently for Icarus) You see - without Hell, Heaven can't be Heaven. I see that now. The best thing I can do for you is to be the worst Hellhost I can.

Icarus Coot: (suppressing a sob)Oh, my dearest little cow! That's so noble!

Sarkycow: Plus, it's really good fun sticking my pitchfork where the sun don't shine. Wait for me, boys!!!

<Runs off in pursuit of Nightlamp and RooK>

Icarus Coot: (dejected)Oh, Sarky.......
 

---

Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :
 


Tubbs
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
Ooo!! OOOOOO!!!! I want to guest star! I want to guest star!!

David
looking hopeful
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
[I'll try...]

< Later--Nightlamp, Rook re-enter Hell Office >

Rook: Well, I'm glad things are back to normal--

< Sarkycow tries to enter, but can't >

Sarkycow: Oops--silly me--< peels poster off fork and tosses him; Canned laughter as she enters > Now that things are straightend between Icarus and me--oh, look, the dear left a bouquet and note-- < reads > "Although you can never permanently join me in Heaven, you must do me the honor of accompanying me to this month's Board Prune Cotillion." Oh, no! I have to get ready! < re-dons choir robe and puts book back on her head; canned hysterics >

Nightlamp/Rook: Oh, no...

< Shot of Sarkycow awkwardly practising holding a teacup with one pinky raised; canned laughter >

[ 26. June 2003, 16:03: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< That night--IC, in a tuxedo, is escorting Sarkycow, in her "Holycow" regalia, to the Cotillion's entrance >

IC: So, were you "the worst Hellhost you can be" today?

Sarkycow: Oh, yeah--I was terrible. < Canned laughter >

IC: It shows so little on you! You don't even need to have that book balanced on your head.

Sarkycow: Oops--forgot about that. < tosses book >

Out-of-shot Guest: OUCH! < Canned laughter >

< Nearby stand Stoo, Belisarius, and ChrisT in their tuxedos sipping champagne >

Belisarius: Egad! Poor Coot seems be quite irrational about that Hellhost!

Stoo: Not to worry--outside of Hell, she is quite harmless. She swore to him on the Styx Board that she would act more Heavenly.

ChrisT: Indeed? May I, then, as Games Host, suggest we take advantage of this situation? As a slight recompense for past inconvenience, of course.

Belisarius: How utterly petty--I like it! < Canned laughter >. Do tell us your plan...

< Canned "UH-OH!" noises... >
 

---

Posted by Mrs Tubbs (# 440) on :
 
Oh good, I mis-read it ... I thought they'd split up

Tubbs
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Maybe they did, but since when has logical consistency reigned supreme on TV?
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
I have a plan? Can't wait to see what this is
 

---

Posted by The Obscure (# 4149) on :
 
this is brilliant

any more popcorn available?
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
IC: Why hello, Motherboard--let me escort you to the bar while I get Holycow and me something < in a lowered voice to Motherboard >: I'm so proud of her--she's trying so hard...

< Sarkycow wanders to the other Heavenly Hosts >

Sarkycow: Hahooow dooo yooo dooo? In Hartford, Hereford, and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly happen. < Canned laughter >

ChrisT: Really now? Tell me, Sarkycow--

Sarkycow: Oh, please, it's Holycow outside of Hell. < attempts to drink tea as she practiced, but the cup breaks. Canned Laughter. > Oops--< tosses cup away >

Out-of-Shot Guest: OUCH! < More canned laughter >

ChrisT: Well, then, Holycow--are you ready to prune the first thread?

Sarkycow: But, I thought you Heaven Hosts did that--

ChristT: Oh, dear, no--the honor always goes to first time attendees--now just put on the traditional pruning mask < presents a Freddy-Kruegeresque monstrosity >--

Sarkycow: Gee, it doesn't look very Heavenly--

ChrisT: Purely satirical, I assure you--and take the traditional pruning machete--

Sarkycow: I thought you guys did things differently, but OK--

ChrisT: And you can start with, say, that Totally Useless Random Thread in the Conservatory--no one likes that one!

< Canned "UH-OH!" Noises >

Sarkycow < glancing into Conservatory >: Oh, I see--you're getting rid of it because it's Totally Useless and Random!

ChrisT < ironically > By George, she's got it. < Canned laughter >

Sarkycow: Thank you so much for making me welcome. < walks off with ChrisT's gifts >

Stoo: Good show, old bean.

Belisarius: Five, four, three, two--

[ 27. June 2003, 05:48: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Screams fill the Conservatory--Jenny Ann runs out >

Jenny Ann < doing her best Margaret Dumont impersonation >: Oh, Professor Stooberry--do something about that horrid Hellhost--it's simply too hideous! < Faints into his arms, with Stoo almost dropping her >

< Sarkycow re-enters wearing the mask and wiping the machete--horrified gasps fill the ballroom >

Sarkycow: Well, it put up a struggle, but I got the job done! How else can I help you?

ChrisT: Oh dear--I didn't think you would interpret my directions that way--well, you can take the girl out of Hell...

< He, Belisarius, Stoo grandly turn their backs; Canned boos and hisses. IC re-enters >

IC: I hope you like--Sarkycow, what have you done??

Sarkycow < throwing off the mask and the machete down >: I'm so sorry, Icarus! I was just trying to fit in, and I messed everything up! Good bye...< starts shuffling out, Laugh Track groans in sympathy >

IC: Trying to fit...< sees his fellow-hosts grandly-turned backs and guesses the truth >: SARKYCOW, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! < the guests all gasp, the Laugh Track cheers >

Stoo: Nothing wrong?? Whatever do you--

IC: I'm ashamed that I might be considered even remotely connected to this unheavenly strategem!

Belisarius < warningly >: Icarus, this is not the place for wild--

IC: IN ACCORDANCE WITH WHAT IS ALLOWED BY SHIP-OF-FOOLS LAW, I, ICARUS COOT, DO HEREBY ABSOLVE YOU, SARKYCOW, FROM YOUR OATH SWORN TO ME ON THE STYX BOARD!

< Canned cheers, applause, foot-stamping, etc. >

Sarkycow: Thanks, Icarus < lightly kisses him on the nose >

Laugh Track: AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW

Sarkycow: I'll still try to be nice to you, of course, but excuse me a second--HIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAH!!!!!! < knocks down the other three Heavenly Hosts with one Matrix-like kick. Canned Cheers to the point of rabidity >

IC < Walking over to their prone bodies >: Sorry, chaps, but you did have that coming. < to Sarkycow > Shall we go to McDonald's now?

Sarkycow: Sure! < they leave to Canned cheers and laughter >

NEXT EPISODE: SARKYCOW'S RIVAL

[ 09. July 2010, 01:08: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
She's a working girl with a job in Hell,
Though sometimes things don't turn out so well.
She'll get by some way, somehow,
Though trouble always follows Sarkycow!

Rook: So which is better for torturing posters--Michael Bolton or Eurovision Contest Songs?

Nightlamp: How can you be so twisted? This is only Hell! < Canned laughter >

< Sarkycow enters; applause >

Nightlamp: Hey Sarkycow--any mayhem this morning?

Sarkycow: Oh, no--I'm in too good a mood--only smacked someone wearing pre-ripped jeans < Canned laughter >

Rook: I have to admit, we never thought things would last this long between you and that Heaven Host.

Sarkycow: Oh, he's the best boyfriend I've ever had--but, I don't where it's going to go--I have to stay here, and he has to stay in Heaven.

Nightlamp: Too bad you two can't live in a William Blake poem.

< Laugh Track doesn't get reference >

Sarkycow: I may be wrong, but I'm starting to think we both should keep our options open.

< Segue to that night >

IC: ...so I think it may be best we both keep our options open.

Sarkycow: HOW COULD YOU??? < slaps him; canned hysterics >
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
[ Bel has been watching where I take my real-life dates...]
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
It's true, I am an evil, murderous, conniving beast underneath this fluffy exterior. I am a Host, after all
 

---

Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
IC: Well, how could you?

Sarky: What do you mean by that?

IC: I hear you've been cosying up to David asking him special favours and offering him quid pro quos

Sarky: You're right! How could I? I don't even know what it means!

<laughter>

IC: Oh really? Then what is the meaning of THIS?

<Summons up Sarky's latest post in Styx on his screen>

Sarky in Voiceover: So when will we get a new posting message? We've had the one about the space being for rent for an awfully long time. And I tried renting it from David, but he said (and I quote) "No amount of money, chocolate or gin will be sufficient to make me put that up."

IC: So what else did you offer him then?

Sarky: It's not how it looks! We all have to bribe David! Nightlamp is always polishing his shoes!! RooK is always giving him sweets and offering to stroke his cat for him!

IC: Well, I might just have to 'bribe' some attractive host in that case...

<OOOOOOOOOH from audience>

Sarky: Right then, see if I care!

<Segue to Hell office. Sarky on her own>

Sarky: Now I've got my options open I don't know what to do with them!

<Enter a tall debonair stranger in full evening dress and top hat>

<Audience go wild as they recognise Chastmastr>

CM: Hi, Honey!

Sarkycow: Who are you?

CM: There once was a poster called David
Who liked it if people weren't shavid

<audience laughter>

Sarky: Menacing him with pitchfork) You're not one of those fluffy bunny lovers who hang out with that creep Icarus Coot in Heaven are you? Cos if you are you can go take a flying -

CM: Hey, hon, I'll give you ten dollars if you ever see me hanging out. It's not my style.

<Audience laughter>

Sarky: So Icarus Coot didn't send you?

CM: Icarus Who?

Sarky: No, Icarus Coot!

<hilarity from audience>

CM: There once was a Coot called Icarus
Who's Zodiac sign was not Tarus......No, never hear of him. Naw, the admins sent me. They heard you've got your options at the moment and they seem to think I'm a bit of an expert in that direction. If I do OK they're going to give me an avatar with wings.

Sarky: I don't need any help thank you.

CM: Ah, well that's where you're wrong! You shall go to the ball, Cinders! I just looooove balls!

Sarky: What?

CM: It's makeover time! And we might get you a new dress while we're at it, babe! Ha ha! only joking!

Sarky: I don't want a -

CM: Now now, admin's orders!

<Audience laughter as Sarky is dragged unwillingly off to be made over>

<In the pink fluffy Heaven boudoir. Icarus Coot is confining in ChrisT>

IC: ......so I ended up threatening to go off with another host!

ChrisT: Serve her right.

IC: Trouble is, we haven't got any female hosts in Heaven.

ChrisT: Too right mate, saves a lot of trouble if you don't have too much to do with the laydeez.

IC: Well how am I going to make Sarky jealous then?

ChrisT: We'll have to get someone to dress up as a woman and pretend to fancy you to make her jealous.

<Enter Stoo>

Stoo: What are you two looking at?

ChrisT: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

IC: Yes, I rather think I am, old bean!

ChrisT}
IC}(together) come on, Stoo, it's makeover time!

<Audience laughter>

[ 27. June 2003, 11:59: Message edited by: Arrietty ]
 

---

Posted by Jenny Ann (# 3131) on :
 
wow! i'm famous!

(I would just like to inform the ship and script writers that Stoo is now crying in a corner... what is everyones obbsession with him being a girl? )

J
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 


David
... "were not shavid..."
 

---

Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
*from home audience*

Look! It's ChastMastr!

Get back in here quick, everyone... and bring some more popcorn!
 

---

Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jenny Ann:
Stoo is now crying in a corner... what is everyones obbsession with him being a girl?

---

PS Stoo has not yet appeared as a girl. He could write the next section himself to avoid being cross-dressed.
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Arrietty:
<Enter Stoo>

Stoo: What are you two looking at?

ChrisT: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

IC: Yes, I rather think I am, old bean!

---

ouch, my sides hurt...
 

---

Posted by Jenny Ann (# 3131) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Arrietty:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jenny Ann:
Stoo is now crying in a corner... what is everyones obbsession with him being a girl?

---

PS Stoo has not yet appeared as a girl. He could write the next section himself to avoid being cross-dressed.

---

He could.... But he won't. It's an attention seeking tactic. Everyone just ignore him....



J
 

---

Posted by Stoo (# 254) on :
 
Stoo: Make-over time???

ChrisT: <slowly approaching Stoo> Yes, but don't worry, old bean, it won't hurt a bit.

Icarus Coot: Yes, don't fret, old man, we just need to dress you up as a woman for a tad. No harm in that, is there?

Stoo: huh?

ChrisT: Now, now, calm down. No need to get worked up!
<Chris drops a flowery dress over Stoo's head>

Stoo: What?

Icarus Coot: It'll all be fine, honestly!
<Icarus Coot starts to put a blonde wig on Stoo>

Stoo: What will?

ChrisT: <producing a razor and shaving foam> Now all we need to do is remove the facial hair, and we'll be done!

Stoo: My beard??? NOOOOO0000oooo....!!!

<Stoo flees the scene, his dress flapping around his ankles>

Icarus Coot: Oh, darn it. Guess we need a Plan B then.

ChrisT: Oh, rats.
 

---

Posted by Jenny Ann (# 3131) on :
 
Stoo! put some other clothes on...

They'll arrest you again!

J
 

---

Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
<Stoo flees past the Hosts Vending Machines>

Dude, your slip is showing.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< At the boudoir, Nunc Dimittis enters wearing High-Church-Service garb >

Nunc: Pardon my intrusion, but I wanted to see if the game thread I transferred arrived safely--

ChrisT: Hello, Nunc. Thanks for checking--

Coot < captivated >: Why, Nunc--I've never seen you so...ecclesiastical...

Laugh Track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nunc < adjusting her alb enticingly >: Why, thank you, Icarus.

Coot: Perhaps, at some time in the future, we can meet on the MW Board to discuss the finer points of vestments--

Nunc: I would be delighted--but I must go now. Do stop by soon--Goodbye, Chris... < turns with a slight twirling of her robes and leaves >

Laugh Track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ChrisT: I don't know, old sport--are you sure this won't upset Sarkycow too much?

Coot: Who? < Canned laughter >

[ 03. July 2003, 13:28: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< That night, near the MW Board... >

CM: Oh, c'mon, hon, come out of the alley--your makeover looks fantastic!

Sarkycow < Out-of-shot >: You'd better be right... < she enters dressed and made up like Sailor Moon; canned hysterics >

CM: Believe me, I'm an expert! And I know about makeovers, too! < Canned laughter >

Sarkycow: So when Icarus see this and comes crawling back, I guess I'll--

< Sees IC and Nunc in animated discussion. Canned "UH OH!" noises >

Sarkycow: How could he??--and with that smells-and-bells hussy?? Well, he ain't winning this game--c'mon, David--

CM: But--

Sarkycow: NOW! < puts him in a headlock and drags him towards IC and Nunc >

CM < wailing >: THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN! < Canned laughter >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sarkycow < letting CM loose >: Now play along, or else--why HELLO, Icarus. Fancy seeing you here.

IC < slightly embarrassed >: Er, hello, Sarkycow. I do believe you know Nunc--

Nunc < serenely >: Hello, Sarkycow--what, ahem, an interesting outfit.

Sarkycow < though clenched teeth >: Thanks. < Canned laughter; she resumes her feigned nonchalance > And this is David--we were SO engrossed that we almost missed you. < Canned laughter >

Nunc: Good evening, David. Why don't the four of us go to the nearest thread for drinks?

IC: Well--

Sarkycow: --Why not? It sounds like fun--I have no reason to be uncomfortable--or jealous--or homicidal. < canned laughter > Yes, we'll have so much FUN, David! < wraps her arm tightly around his >

CM < whispering >: Sarkycow, you're cutting off my circulation--

Sarkycow < whispering through a set smile >: Shut up, David... < canned laughter >

[ 03. July 2003, 18:26: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Scene: A table at the "How Much Wine Is Too Much?" Thread >

Coot: So...Nunc and I were discussing the Hosting of our different Boards.

Nunc: Yes--some of it we can't repeat in front of David--so sorry--but I was mentioning how tame my Board usually is, except for the Shuffleboard Tournament incident--at which you happened to be, Sarkycow; I believe that's how I know you. < smiles sweetly; canned "UH-OH" sounds >

CM: I didn't know you liked Shuffle--

Sarkycow < violently elbowing CM under the table >: Oh, yes--there were some silly misunderstandings, but Motherboard assured me that everything was OK at the end.

Nunc < slightly sighing >: Yes, I must admit, the bloodstains did come out of the carpeting eventually. < Canned laughter >. But we must let David join in--I understand that you did Sarkycow's...makeover?

CM < obliviously proud >: Oh, yes! Isn't it just fantastic? You hosts have Super Powers, in a sense, so I worked on that theme. It's both cute and edgy--Sarkycow is sure to get back--< catches himself; canned laughter >...uh...what you're wearing is nice too.

Nunc < complacently >: Thank you--though I am an All Saints Host, I must admit hoping I'm not unworthy of the standards for attire set on the Mystery Worship Board.

Sarkycow < under breath >: Yeah, right, you thurible-swinging... < canned laughter >

[ 04. July 2003, 00:48: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by snowgoose (# 4394) on :
 
<eats some popcorn>

I think she's adorable in that little sailor moon outfit. And I especially like the cute little "Hello Kitty" toasting fork and matching vinyl handbag. It adds a certain je ne said quoi, don't you think?

*sigh* This is my favorite show.

<more popcorn>
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to about 30 minutes later >

Nunc: ...well, we have to get back to Hosting soon. I'll have to get my stoles in order--I envy how little wardrobe maintenance you need, Sarkycow dear. < laughs lightly; canned "UH-OH!" noises >

Sarkycow < under breath >: Oh, I'll give you a maintenance... < canned laughter >

Coot: I'll walk you to your board--Good night, Sarkycow; Good night, David. < To Nunc > So what colors are you planning to coordinate?

Nunc: You just have to look at the Paschal cycle...

Sarkycow: What am I going to do? If I disembowel her, Icarus will just feel sorry for her--he may even send chocolates! < Canned laughter > I have to trick her somehow--dammit, David, I can't concentrate in this silly outfit--

< Admiral Holder runs in >

Adm. Holder < in a loud whisper to David >: So it's true! I can't believe you actually gave Sarkycow a makeover and you're still alive! I only PM'd the idea as a joke!

CM: You sent the PM?? < Canned laughter > But I thought the Admins did! Why didn't you sign your full name??

Sarkycow < overhearing >: IT WASN'T THE ADMINS?? < Canned laughter, Admiral Holder runs away as Sarkycow grabs CM > I'm going to--wait, THAT'S IT! < dangerously sweet > David, honey, it's time for your makeover... < drags him off; canned "UH-OH" noises >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to the following evening near the MW Board; Coot and Nunc are again in animated discussion >

Sarkycow < back in Hellhost gear >: There they are.

CM < out-of-shot >: I feel ridiculous.

Sarkycow: You'll feel dead-- < Canned laughter > GO!

< CM staggers into view in an encrusted robe and surplice and loaded with items including--but not limited to--an amice, girdle, chasuble, dalmatic, tunicle, cope, rochet, chimere, and a huge gleaming mitre. Canned hysterics >

Coot: And so--Nunc, what is it? < she is staring at CM infatuated; canned laughter >

Nunc: Uh...I'll call you-- < jumps up and starts running after CM, who staggers away in a panic. Canned hysterics and applause. Sarkycow ambles to Coot's table >

Sarkycow < lightly >: Why, hello, Icarus--how about a game of shuffleboard? < Canned laughter and applause >

NEXT EPISODE: SARKYCOW'S BIRTHDAY

[ 07. July 2003, 15:44: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
She's a working girl with a job in Hell,
Though sometimes things don't turn out so well.
She'll get by some way, somehow,
Though trouble always follows Sarkycow!

SCENE: THE HELL OFFICE.

<RooK is toasting newbies on an open fire. Nightlamp is reading the latest copy of Victorian Asshats magazine. David is scratching himself with a broken shard of pot.>

RooK: So I suppose we ought to do something......

David: Out of the question, Rook. Or should I say, Rookie.

<Audience make camp 'oooooooh' sound>

Nightlamp: I say, that's a bit uncalled for even in Hell, old man!

David: What am I to make of a Hellhost proposing to obtain a cake purely to please another Hell host whose birthday it happens to be? Either he's going soft or he has missed out on some essential training. Either way it's not what I'd expect of a seasoned Hell host.

RooK: Well at least I haven't been having close encounters of an antagonistic kind with the admins!

<Audience make suggestive OOOOOOOH sound>

David: (threateningly) What do you mean?

RooK: Oh, don't you remember, David? Perhaps you'd like some photographs to refresh your memory? I've got plenty!

David: (Changing tack) Look, Erin and I go back a long way. We were flaming asshats before you got your first dial up connection.

RooK: (Muttering)'Flaming asshats' is just about right!

<Audience laughter>

David: WHAT did you say?

<Audience makes 'Uh-oh' sound>

RooK: I said, the cake would be flaming! You get someone a pretty cake for their birthday, they think you're being really kind to them, but then you set fire to it and put it out by blowing saliva all over it! What could be more hellish than that? Just think how disappointed she'll be!

David: This is strangely pleasant to think about! Tell me more, Rookie!

Nightlamp: She's coming!

<Enter Sarky Cow in a filthy mood.>

Sarky: What's the point of being a hell host when they can correct their own typos! They're even putting in their own sarcastic comments! Sometimes I feel like throwing in my toasting fork and moving to Heaven to be with Icarus.

<Sympathetic audience laughter>

David: (aside, to Rook) Perhaps on second thoughts your idea does have some minor merits. It would take me valuable time and effort to train up another incompetent to work alongside you and Nightie. A flaming birthday cake might be just the thing to remind Sarky Cow of why she signed up for Hell in the first place. See to it!
 

---

Posted by Veritas (# 4420) on :
 
Enthusiastic audience applause, cheers and 'woo hoo' type noises.

Belisarius and Arriety, you are very talented Shipmates.

[ 08. July 2003, 14:17: Message edited by: Veritas ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< David goes into his office--Rook pulls Nightlamp aside >

Rook < whispering >: He fell for it! Now's our chance for the big blow-out we've been wanting to throw! We'll have kegs and fireworks and drag-racing and strippers and--

Nightlamp: --are you sure Sarkycow would be interested in all that?

Rook < sarcastically >: Oh, that's right--we're having this party only because we just wuv dear widdle Sarkycow < Canned laughter >. You can bwing the wowwypops for the fwuffy bunnies--< Canned laughter >

Nightlamp: OK, OK, shut up--

Sarkycow: What's going on?

Rook: Oh, nothing... < they walk off >

Sarkycow < grumbling >: Yeah, right...they're planning something without me...see if I care...< whining > and no one remembered my birthday! < Canned laughter mixed with sympathetic groans > Well, whatever those clowns are are up to, they'd better be on their toes, 'cause I'm not planning on suffering alone... < Canned "UH-OH" noises >

[ 09. July 2003, 21:55: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by AdamPater (# 4431) on :
 
<fidgets in bean-bag, shakes pop-corn bucket>

(bother... will I miss anything if I go to the snack bar? ... bet something interesting will happen as soon as I duck out... pssssttttt: someone take notes for me...)

<darts for the door, trips in the dark with a resounding clatter, and disappears through the velvet curtains with muffled but insistent apologies>

<tousled head ducks back in> That Sarky is such a BABE!
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Nightlamp: Shouldn't we tell her? She may make other plans--

Rook: Uh-uh! She'd just spoil everything--

Nightlamp: You're right--the nerve of her! < Canned laughter >.

Rook: Whatever that Icarus Coot may spring on her, she'll never miss a Hell shindig...

< Segue back to Sarkycow >

Sarkycow: ..But I won't let them know it's my birthday--I have my pride--I just wish they were more concerned about other people's feelings--

< IC comes in with a bouquet >

IC: Happy--

Sarkycow: SHUT UP! GET OUT BEFORE THEY SEE YOU!

< Canned hysterics--IC bolts, dropping the bouquet; Sarkycow stuffs it in a wastepaper basket as Rook/Nightlamp return--more canned laughter >
 

---

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
< Janine looks dubiously at her small TV screen, once so adequate for her minimal viewing... and wishes it were bigger!
No splashy big-FX extravaganza has made her long for a big screen before, the way this has!
She wonders if there's time for a run to Wal-Mart Electronics during the commerical...>
 

---

Posted by Never Conforming (# 4054) on :
 
* Wondering when the next installment is*
 

---

Posted by soggy_amphibian (# 2487) on :
 
Brings in some toffee popcorn and fizzy drink and grabs a seat, ready for the next part...

[bumping from Page 2 indeed, whatever next...]
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
Lyda Rose thumps the side of her TV.

Damn static! I just know I'll miss something.

What's the use of having cable if my tube is crap?! grrrrr! And Sarky's skin is green. Green?! Who ever heard of a green Hell-host? This isn't frickin' Star Trek!
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
[ Sorry for the hiatus... ]

Sarkycow: So what were you talking about?--and don't tell me "nothing!"

Nightlamp: You don't know?

Rook < under breath >: What are you doing??

Nightlamp: We're planning the Troll Memorial Service. < Canned Laughter >

Sarkycow: What??

Rook < immediately catching on >: Of course--it is Admins' orders.

Nightlamp: The other Boards are waiting.

Sarkycow: Why didn't I hear about it?

Rook: You didn't get the memo?

Nightlamp: I guess you weren't around--

Rook: --Like the time you were late because you had to find out if street mimes had vocal chords < canned laughter >.

Sarkycow: Well, I'll ask David then--

Rook: Oh, he'd be quite...annoyed that you didn't find out.

Nightlamp: Don't worry about it--we have everything under control... < they stroll off >

Sarkycow: Something's fishy here--I know! They want to get all the credit for the Troll Memorial Service < Canned laughter >. Well, we'll see about that...

[ 16. July 2003, 04:08: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
(Calls everyone from the fridge, the bathroom, waxing the car, etc.)

HEY, EVERYBODY! IT'S BACK ON!!!
 

---

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
(Hmmm - what do I want to see - Sarkycow humiliated or balance my checkbook? Sarkycow laughed at, or my budget settled?.... )

Sorry guys, I'd rather juggle numbers. And I hate math.

See ya later.
 

---

Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
IN THE HEAVENLY BOUDOIR

Icarus Coot: .....So you see, they're doing nothing at all for poor Sarky's birthday! The poor darling's beside herself!

Stoo: How uncaring!

ChristT: Yes, we must certainly do something to cheer the poor cow up! <innocently, catching Icarus' Coot's expression> Well, that's what she is, isn't she? A cow? Have I got that wrong?

Icarus Coot: By name she may be a cow, but she's the dearest, sweetest cow in the world to me, and I can't wait for the day that she consents to be Sarky Coot!

<'Awwwww' sounds from audience>

Stoo: Why don't we ask Belisarius if we can throw her a party ourselves?

ChrisT: Yes, I'm sure we could use some of the posts off the recipe book thread for food.

Stoo: He might let us have some of those Board Prunes he's always going on about!

Icarus Coot: And we could have games!

ChrisT: Yes, I'm sure the regular games posters wouldn't mind having all their threads closed so we could use them for Sarky's party! I can see it all now.....Ten People I Wouldn't Touch With A Bargepole - Visually Impaired Person's Typo -
Strip Poker -

Stoo: )
Icarus Coot: ) WHAT??????

ChrisT: Erm - that's a race where - errr - people push strips of paper along with pokers. Very suitable for Hell Hosts. We will be asking Hell Hosts won't we?

Icarus Coot: Of course! This is going to be such fun.......
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Scene: Purgatory. Sarkycow enters >

Sarkycow: ...I'm sure Alan has no hard feelings about how I left--

< Alan C. and Louise enter >

Alan: EEEEEEK! < jumps into Louise's arms; canned hysterics >

Sarkycow: Uh, hello to you too. < Canned laughter > So...can I borrow your thermonuclear device?

Louise: Whatever would you need--

Alan < jumping out of Louise's arms >: I'll get it, I'll get it! Just please don't hurt me! < runs away; canned laughter >

Sarkycow: Well, we're doing something really big in Hell, but, hey, it's okay with Alan, so I'll just--

< Louise blocks Sarkycow's way and flicks her wrist, making a switchblade appear from her sleeve >

Louise: I do believe it best we discuss this more.

< Canned "UH-OH!" sounds... >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sarkycow: Oh, puh-leeze! Where I'm from, girly, that's a toothpick!

< Louise casually flicks her switchblade; the prongs of Sarkycow's pitchfork drop off >

Laugh Track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Sarkycow: ...Okay, a sharp toothpick. < Canned laughter > But I thought you Purg Hosts were all talk!

Louise: We have a thread in progress discussing when violence is a necessary response. I suggest you go over and take a look...now.

Sarkycow: You can't tell me what to do!

Louise: I guess not--the words I'm using aren't small enough.

Laugh Track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Sarkycow: THAT DOES IT! < she swings the handle of her pitchfork, knocking the switchblade out of Louise's hand. They grab each other and fall to the floor, rolling around in a Dynasty-style catfight. Canned cheers >

Alan C. < hurrying in with thermonuclear device > Here it is--just be careful not to--

Sarkycow < springing up, getting her costume torn by Louise in the process > Thanks Alan-- < snatches thermonuclear device > gotta run! < dashes out to Canned applause >

[ 18. July 2003, 02:42: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to the Heavenly Boudoir >

IC: Good--we have all the wittiest threads reserved. Sarkycow will be right at home.

Belisarius < whispering to Stoo and ChrisT > Two words--Plastic Covers. < Canned laughter >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to Hell >

Rook < carrying in Chicken Wings, some 12-packs, a funnel, etc. >: So where should we put this so Sarkycow won't find it?

Nightlamp: How about David's office? She won't go in there. < Canned laughter... >
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
And...? And...? What happens next? What happens next??



David
addicted
 

---

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
<aside to ChastMastr:>
Psst! Let me know when she gets their butts! I know she'll triumph - she always does in the end - but I can't take the suspense meanwhile...
<Janine wanders away to dust off new modem...>
 

---

Posted by AdamPater (# 4431) on :
 
<settles into comfy chair and happily starts chomping on licorice purloined from ChastMstr while he wasn't looking>

He he.. that Sarky, she's so cool...

*splutter* *cough* ... what the.. Hey! Chast!! What's up with this licorice? it tastes like leather!

oh.... ewwwww....

Anyone got some popcorn? No.. not you, Chast...
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
[We now return...]

< Nightlamp/Rook leave; Sarkycow tiptoes in with thermonuclear device >

Sarkycow: Now where should I set this off?--of course, David's office! Then there won't be any way he'll miss it! < tosses device in without looking; canned "UH-OH!" noises > That'll show Rook and Nightlamp--I'll be Queen of the Troll Memorial! < Canned laughter >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Rook and Nightlamp reappear with more party stuff. They see Sarkycow and throw it behind a desk >

Nightlamp: Oh, uh, hi, Sarkycow. We're going to be very busy with the Memorial, so why don't you take an hour or so off?--we'll cover for you and call you back when we're done.

Sarkycow < tight-lipped >: Fine. < walks off in a huff >

Rook: Do you think she suspects?

Nightlamp: She just got to take an hour off--are you kidding? < Canned laughter >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to Heaven's Boudoir >

IC: Now who could that be?... < Sarkycow enters >

Sarkycow: I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier--I didn't want those jerks to know.

IC: Oh, that's all right--in Heaven we do a lot of forgiving--

Laugh Track: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWW...

IC: --But I've been trying to find you--

Sarkycow: Oh, I was waiting around for...something. < Canned laughter >

IC: I still have something for you--< makes a motion; Belisarius, Stoo, and ChrisT wheel in a birthday cake >

B/S/C < unenthusiastic monotone >: Happy Birthday, Sarkycow. < Canned laughter >

Sarkycow: Oh, that's so sweet--this is what's important in life--not fame or recognition or winning, but people who care about you. < hugs IC >

Laugh Track: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWW...

Sarkycow: OH MY GOD! I HAVE TO SET OFF THE DEVICE! < pushes IC away into a wall; canned hysterics > WHERE'S YOUR KEYBOARD? < jumps to it and posts HERE'S MY CONTRIBUTION TO THE TROLL MEMORIAL, then hits Alan's remote. There's a deafening BOOM and the Boudoir shakes >

Sarkycow: Who says you can't have everything? < Canned laughter; a blackened Rook and Nightlamp rush in >

Nightlamp: What have you done?? You just destroyed David's office

Rook < wailing >: And all the party stuff was there!

Sarkycow: Party?...then...there was no...< Nightlamp/Rook shake heads vigourously >

David < whose bellow can be heard all the way from Hell >: SARKYCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!

Sarkycow: Oops. < Canned laughter and applause >

NEXT EPISODE: OVERTIME IN HELL
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
She's a working girl with a job in Hell,
Though sometimes things don't turn out so well.
She'll get by some way, somehow,
Though trouble always follows Sarkycow!

< Scene: The Hell Office, still showing some effects from the end of the previous episode. Sarkycow enters; Applause. >

Sarkycow: Hello Night--hey, where is everybody?

< David fumingly enters from the ruins of his office >

David: Well, Sarkycow, Nightlamp and Rook are taking a few days off. A little matter of RADIATION POISONING! < canned laughter > It will be just the two of us for a while--< starts smiling > we're going to have such fun...

< Canned "UH-OH!" Noises >

Sarkycow: Oh, good--I thought you were going to be mad. < Canned laughter >

David: First--there's the matter of cleaning my office < hands Sarkycow a toothbrush; canned laughter >

Sarkycow: You expect me to clean all that with this??

David: You can use that... < gets really close and says in a menacing whisper > ...or your tongue.

Sarkycow: ...and the handle's such a pretty color! < Canned laughter... >

[ 20. March 2009, 19:06: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Scene: later that day--Sarkycow is crawling on the floor scrubbing with the toothbrush >

Sarkycow < grumbling a la Homer Simpson > Stupid David getting mad just because a thermonuclear device went off in his office...< Canned titters >

< The Troll Alarm goes off, Sarkycow wearily gets up and goes to a viewscreen >

(On Viewscreen) IF YOU DONT THINK THERE GOING TO HELL THEN YOUR STUPID OR GOING TO HELL TO BYE IM GOING TO FIND REAL XTIANS

< Moaning with fatigue, Sarkycow reaches for her pitchfork; sympathetic groans from the Laugh Track >

[ 30. June 2017, 18:05: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
David < from office >: MAKE SURE YOU FINISH THE FLOOR WHEN YOU GET BACK!

Sarkycow < under breath >: Yeah, yeah--

< Intercom goes on >

Icarus Coot: Hello Sarkycow--just to let you know that I'm sending down the "My Favorite Racist Jokes" thread...
 

---

Posted by Icklicus Angelicus (# 3588) on :
 
<is sitting on extreme edge of chair before she and the chair completely overbalance and clatter loudly to the floor amoungst grunts of pain and disapproving glares of the rest of the audience>

sorry...
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sarkycow: I can't take much more of this by myself--

< Newbie alarm goes off >

Viewscreen: Just because I put my first post on the wrong Board doesn't mean that everybody has to be so mean to me...

Sarkycow: I have to get another Host to help me--but who?...
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
(yelling at the TV screen) "Ooooo! Ooooo! Bring Tomb back! Bring Tomb back!!!"


 

---

Posted by madkaren (# 1033) on :
 
<sarkycow>
Now who would do anything for me...after all I'm in david's bad book. Hmm....

<Lightbulb goes on in Sarkycows head>

<sarkycow>
Of course! My dear sweet Icarus. I'll just get my HolyCow outfit together and pop up to heaven to ask him. After all, no-ones going to miss me here...

MadKaren
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
...for now. I need one more back up--

< Enter jlg in her Nativity Board's Sheep 3 persona. Canned titters >

jlg: You rang? < shakes her head, ringing the bell around her neck for emphasis; canned laughter > I could use a break from Mystery Worship!

Sarkycow: You're going still around in that sheep getup? It's been over seven months, you know.

jlg: Hey, don't judge me! I'm trying to work through this compulsion the best way I can!

Sarkycow: I don't know...you don't give me the impression of holding your own in Hell--

jlg: *Sheep plop*

Sarkycow: You're hired. < Canned laughter > Take care of the newbie while I pay a visit to Heaven...
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< segue to the Heavenly Boudoir >

Sarkycow < sashaying in in her Holycow robe >: Oh Icaruuuus...

< IC enters >

IC: Oh, hello--I was just observing the most charming thread--"Shock Classical Radio"--

Sarkycow < momentarily impatient >: yesyesyes-- < resumes role > Icarus, honey, sweetie, could you do me an itty-bitty-EENSY favor?

IC: Of course--what would that be?

Sarkycow < quickly >: Could you run Hell while I take an eight or nine-hour break? < Canned laughter >

IC: What??

Sarkycow < dropping her act >: C'mon! What have you done for me lately? < Canned laughter >

IC: Well, I didn't break up with you after our first date, I defended your reputation in Heaven, I just gave you a birthday party--

Sarkycow: Fine, fine, fine--never mind then-- < with mock stoicism > I'll just have to deal with all of Hell's problems...myself... < dramatically starts exiting >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to Hell >

Newbie < slipping around splattered with sheep dung >: YOU'RE STILL BEING MEEEEEEEAN!! < Canned hysterics... >
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
IC < sighing >: All right--I'll see what I can do in a while.

Sarkycow: Thank you, Icarus--I appreciate your kindness. I'll take care of as much of Hell as I can before you arrive... < under breath as she leaves > ...sucker. < Canned laughter >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to the Hell Offices--Sarkycow is reclining at her desk while jlg enthusiastically trots around the floor with a bucket and mop >

Sarkycow: In my day, I had to do this with a toothbrush. You have it so easy. < canned laughter >

jlg: This is all so visceral, so gritty--I feel so alive! I may never go back to Mystery Worship--

< A booming organ chord suddenly resounds, startling Sarkycow and jlg. Siegfried, wearing a Geneva gown, slowly descends while sitting on a cardboard cloud; canned titters >

Siegfried: "As a shepherd seeks out his flock when some of his sheep have been scattered abroad, so will I seek out my sheep--" in other words, get your woolly butt back here! < reascends to canned laughter and applause >

jlg: Oh well--see you later. < trots off >

Sarkycow: WAIT!...oh no, what will I do before Icarus stops by? < slaps head > Of course! I'll just get myself cloned! < canned laughter > But how?...
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to Hell Office some time later. Sarkycow enters >

Sarkycow: Boy, that cloning was easier than I thought! And very reasonably priced too! < Canned laughter >. C'mon in, Holycow.

< Sarkycow's clone comes wearing the Holycow regalia >

Sarkycow: Now all you have to do is finish cleaning up the office with this toothbrush.

Holycow: Is that it? My pleasure. < starts cleaning to canned laughter... >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sarkycow: And now, some well-deserved rest... < exits >

Holycow < scrubbing away >: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens... < Canned laughter; Icarus Coot enters >

IC: Why, Sarkycow--you have gotten everything under control.

Holycow < standing up and curtseying >: It's Holycow.

IC: Oh, Sarkycow, you don't have to start doing that again for my sake!

Holycow: I'm not doing anything I don't want to. I just hope you're happy!

IC < grinning >: Oh, I'm happy indeed!

< Canned "UH-OH!" noises... >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
IC: ...but why don't you take a break now?

Holycow: I really should get this done--

IC: ...but it would make me happy.

Holycow < brightly >: OK. < sits in a nearby chair motionless; canned titters >

IC: Er, if you're not in the mood to talk--

Holycow: Oh, of course I am! I just didn't want to assume! < Canned laughter > You're a Heaven Host--do you want to play a Game?

< IC does a double-take at such an un-Sarkycow-like proposition; canned hysterics >

IC: < testing his luck >: How about...Trading Bible Verses?

Holycow: I'd love to! What Book should we start with?

IC: How about...an easy one...like...The Song of Solomon?

Laugh Track: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Holycow: Sure, why not? < Canned laughter... >
 

---

Posted by soggy_amphibian (# 2487) on :
 
INT HELL, what passes for DAY.
Enter SarkyCow
SC: [yawns]. OK HolyCow, how's it coming?
[whispers in the audience, strains of "uh-oh"]
SC: HolyCow? HOLYCOW? Damn, she'd better be engrossed in her work.
[suppressed giggle]
[Newbie alarm goes off. Heavenly Thread alarm goes off. TICETH [Today I've Consigned Everything To Hell] alarm goes off. Angry David alarm goes off. Every other alarm in the place goes off. Sheep dropping lands from above.]
SC: Oh... smeg...
[RooK pops his head round the door]
RooK: Looks like everythings gone to Hell!
[RooK disappears as fast as he can, over the hills and far away, etc etc]
Voice Of David: SARKYCOW!!!!


Meanwhile in Heaven:
HC: Why does it say to hunt the little foxes? I love little foxes and other cuddly animals!
IC: Are you absolutely sure you're in tip-top condition?

[ 18. August 2003, 23:53: Message edited by: soggy_amphibian ]
 

---

Posted by soggy_amphibian (# 2487) on :
 
[Foxhunting reference: Song Of Solomon 2:15]
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
(Eating popcorn, David (me, not the famous one with the single-digit number) wonders if there is a spin-off series in the works here... "Can HolyCow make it on her own on another set of boards? Tune in on Thursdays at eight and find out!")
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
[Food for thought...]

Sarkycow < slapping head >: Oh, no! Was Icarus here already?...with?...I have to get up to Heaven again NOW! < dashes out just as David stomps in with his cellphone >

David: I don't care if they're still glowing, Nightlamp--get back in here NOW! < Canned laughter >
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Does somebody have a wee little crushy-poo on Sarkycow?
(did I say that already? If so...forgive me)
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
(You are forgiven)
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Hehe.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Sarkycow bursts into Heaven's boudoir >

Sarkycow: ICARUUUUUUUUS!

< A slightly-dishevelled IC appears >

IC < fervently >: Oh, Sarkycow, the minutes were like hours! Still I am the happiest of men... but...why are you wearing your Hellhost costume again?

Sarkycow < fearing the worst >: Uh, what do you mean?

IC: Oh, dearest Sarkycow, in your innocence, do not toy with your ardent servant! If you have changed your mind and will not be finally joining me in Heaven after all, surely I will perish!

< Major canned "UH-OH!" noises... >
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
(Now pondering whether or not HolyCow will wind up, not only with her own series, but with her own world, possibly cube-shaped with thousands of imperfect duplicates...)
 

---

Posted by AdamPater (# 4431) on :
 
<fidgets, cold, lonely.. hungry for popcorn but determined not to show it>

Where's Sarky gone?
 

---

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:
Does somebody have a wee little crushy-poo on Sarkycow?...

---

so who doesn't?

 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Holycow comes tripping in carrying a suitcase >

Holycow: Sorry I was delayed, but--oh, hello, Sarkycow!

IC: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa? < Canned hysterics >

Sarkycow: Icarus, I can explain--

IC: Sarkycow--if you are Sarkycow--whatever happened, it went too far! But I forgive you...

Laugh Track: AAAAAAAAAAAWWWW

IC: ...as it has brought Holycow into my life! < embraces Holycow; canned hysterics >

Sarkycow: You're just dropping me??

IC: I'm sorry, Sarkycow, but I can't be involved with two women! I have to make < looking pointedly at Holycow > the moral choice. < Canned laughter > For breaking the Laws of God and Nature, I think you're getting off easy. < Canned laughter >

Holycow: Oh, Icarus, you're so gallant! Oh--the reason I was late is because I accepted a part-time job at Happiness.com, as things were under control in Hell when I left--

IC: How wonderful, darling! < they embrace >

Sarkycow: AAAAGH!

< Canned laughter and applause >

NEXT EPISODE: KEEPING UP APPEARANCES
 

---

Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
OK, so who'll give me odds on Holycow surviving the next episode? They've got to be pretty long...
 

---

Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
I don't know... if Holycow is a true clone, then it'd be even money. If, however, Holycow is only a clone of the heavenly side, then would she know how to fend off a pitch-fork?

Bel - is there going to be a special, extra-long, season premiere episode soon? Pleeeeeeeeeease!!!!!!!!!!
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Janine:

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:
Does somebody have a wee little crushy-poo on Sarkycow?...

---

so who doesn't?

---

quote:

---

however I do get a hankering for STEAK with A-1 or Heinz 57 sauce everytime she is near.

---

Wonder how many times she's been asked, "Got milk?"
 

---

Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
She's a working girl with a job in Hell,
Though sometimes things don't turn out so well.
She'll get by some way, somehow,
Though trouble always follows Sarkycow!

< Scene: The Hell Office. Sarkycow is reading a copy of The Rules for Cows. Enter RooK and Nightlamp. >

RooK: Hey, Sarky! Guess what we've been doing!

<Sarky continues to read>

Nightlamp: Yes, guess what!

<No response fron Sarky. NL and RooK look at each other.>

Nightlamp: We've been - er - busting newbies' asses, I believe is the phrase! Aren't you pleased?

RooK: It's no good, she's not listening. She's still trying to find a way to get that stuck up Icarus Coot back.

Sarky: (to herself, incredulously): You show interest in his work? And agree with him? (shudders) It's no good, I'll never get the hang of this.

<Audience laughter.>

<Enter David.>

David: Ah, Sarky Cow. Might we hope to get a little work from you now your unfortunate liaison has run its course?

Sarky Cow: Run its course? What the **** do you mean? No son-of-a-***** Heaven host is going to dump me for some stuck-up, toffee-nosed, goody goody, fuddy duddy b*stard daughter of an asshat's second best asshat!

<Laughter and applause.>

David: (to RooK and NL) You see? As I predicted, without Icarus' Coot's influence she is now completely back to normal!

RooK: I'm not so sure about that, David.

Nightlamp: Yes, I know that look in her eye. She's about to say she has a -

Sarky: I have a PLAN!!!!! (Shouts through the door) Snobby? Snobby, get in here NOW!

<Enter another Sarky clone. She is wearing white gloves, a flowery skirt and a hat.>

Sarky: Meet my secret weapon - Snobby Cow!

Snobby: Pleased to met you, Ai'm sure!

<Snobby extends her hand to David. David leaps back.>

David: What the f -

Snobby: Ooh, charming, Ai don't think!

RooK: What's the plan, Sarky?

Nightlamp: yes, are you completely - (stops as he sees Rook mouthing 'humour her' at him)

Sarky: Well, we're going to kidnap Holy Cow and replace her with Snobby Cow. Then when she's screwed up Heaven by telling people off about their grammar and telling everyone to act like little ladies and gentlemen and saying she doesn't understand why they can't just all play a nice game of Snap, he'll want ME back!

Nighlamp: Hang on a minute, we're going to kidnap Holy Cow?

Sarky: Yes, of course! One for all and all for one! You can lure her down here by asking her to - er - I don't know, ask her to start a Fiddleback appreciation thread or something!

David: Hmmmm, not a bad idea, Sarky! Heaven with the frivolity edited out and Hell denizens being asked to see the good in Fiddleback! That will drive everyone mad!

Sarky: Well come on, you two! Are you in or out?
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
["The Rules for Cows"--Tee-hee.]

RooK: I don't know--if Holycow's a Heaven-Host type, she won't start a non-fictional appreciation thread--it violates their secret rules.

Sarkycow: Dammit!

Nightlamp < suspiciously to RooK >: How do you know so much about Heaven?

Laugh Track: OOOOOOOO!

RooK < defensively >: Hey, I just picked it up--like the trivia on Snapple bottlecaps--

< Canned laughter >

David: --simply think of another thread idea and stop wasting my time!

Sarkycow: I GOT IT! David, send a note to Holycow that she's required to start at least one Hellish thread in order to be a well-rounded member of Heaven--

David: How will that--

Sarkycow: Let me finish--I know my clones; she'll start a thread she thinks is Hellish, like "I hate it when my pillows aren't fluffy enough" or some **** like that! < Canned laughter > Everyone will go nuts and it will be easy to ambush her!

David: Amazing, Sarkycow--you've actually had two good ideas... < Canned laughter >

[ 29. August 2003, 16:30: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to outside the Hell Office--Snobbycow is smugly accepting the attention of two admirers >

Sine Nomine: Lordy, Miss Snobbycow, it's been ages since I've had the pleasure of beholding such exquisite bitchery--

tomb: Back off, Banquetboy--I'm. Talking. To. Her...

[ 29. August 2003, 14:16: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
(Eating popcorn. "YAAAY! Tomb *and* Sine Nomine!!")
 

---

Posted by soggy_amphibian (# 2487) on :
 
<BUMP>
[my biggest question is, does the clone machine reappear? Demonicus Coot! Yeah!]
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
This could be so Bizarro!!


I want to see it!! I want to see it!!

David
hello, me am going
 

---

Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by ChastMastr:
This could be so Bizarro!!


I want to see it!! I want to see it!!

David
hello, me am going

---

clones going amok...

"You no am Sarkycow! Me am Sarkycow!"
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
(On a side note, so as not to derail this wonderful programme, to resolve that particular problem, Bizarro wore a big medallion with BIZARRO #1 on it. Later, when he decided to try the "disguised as Clark Kent" schtick, it didn't work very well because he forgot to take the medallion off...)
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
[Sorry for the delay.
A vaguely Sarkycow-esque commercial
We now return to... ]

Snobbycow: Do control yourself, my good man--a lady may converse with whomever she chooses.

Sine Nomine: Hah!

Snobbycow < archly to SN >: I must, however, admit my unease regarding your use of a pseudonym. Far be it from me to judge such a strategy, but it would be a shame for such a barrier--

Sine Nomine < panicking >: No, no, you are absolutely right--how caddish of me--my select friends know me as--

< Sarkycow rushes in >

Sarkycow: There you are! You have to get ready--

tomb: Do you mind?

Sine Nomine: Really, some people!

< Canned laughter >

Snobbycow: Oh, do be charitable to the impetuosity of my dear relation < slightly lowering voice > The saying about Blood and Water is, for better or worse, true.

Laugh Track: OOOOOOOOOO!

Sine Nomine < hand on heart >: I hope, Miss Snobbycow, you will continue to set me straight in the future.

tomb: My apologies, dear Madame, for being out of line.

Snobbycow: Dear sirs, don't apologize to me... < tilts head in Sarkycow's direction >

< With the slightest hesitation, the two turn to Sarkycow >

tomb: Sorry for our rudeness--

SN: --It was unintentional < both formally bow and then resume their attentions on Snobbycow; canned titters >

Sarkycow < fuming >: Never mind! I'll deal with you later...


[Canned audience added]

[ 03. September 2003, 20:17: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to Heaven >

Holycow < to IC >: I'll be back soon, dear--I just have to post a thread in Hell.

IC < surprised >: Whatever for? Don't tell me that Heaven bores you already!

Holycow: Oh, of course not! I'm just becoming well-rounded.

IC < with admiration >: Just as I thought you had no more delightful surprises! But perhaps I should accompany you this first time--

Holycow: Don't be silly, darling--whatever could happen to me?

< Canned knowing chuckles >

IC < hesitating >: Well, there's...Sarkycow--

Holycow: Don't be silly! We're like sisters--well, at least genetically < canned titters >--and if she really cares for you she'll be happy for you!

< Canned "UH-OH" sounds and incredulous snorts >

IC < doubtful >: ...very well, my little pilgrim--I could never deny you anything. Just don't dally. What will you be posting about?

Holycow < leaving >: I'm sure I'll think of something...
 

---

Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
*gets the rubber gloves and the bleach ready...*

[Edited because I Care™]

[ 04. September 2003, 15:27: Message edited by: ChrisT ]
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
... !! Did I miss anything??
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to Hell >

Sarkycow < on phone >: ...yes, yes, that will be fine. Thank you so much--bye. < hangs up with satisfaction; Rook and Nightlamp enter >

Nightlamp: Well, David sent the PM--Holycow should be coming down soon.

Sarkycow < à la Mr. Burns > Excellent. < Canned laughter > And I've found just the right exploitive slavery to send that goody-two-shoes, no questions asked.

Nightlamp: You don't mean--

RooK: You wouldn't--

Sarkycow: Yes! The Dubious Ministries Office Staff!

< Nightlamp/Rook shudder; canned laughter >

Sarkycow < nastily chuckling >: Let me be the first to greet dear Holycow < leaves... >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< seconds later, Holycow walks in >

Holycow: Oh, hello. You must be RooK and Nightlamp.

< harp glissando sound effect; RooK/Nightlamp are instantly infatuated. Canned laughter >

Nightlamp: Uh...oh, hello. Sarkycow was just looking for you.

Holycow: How nice--she must have missed me because I started from the oldest threads and worked my way up--I shouldn't post here without getting the proper background.

RooK < goofy with love >: Uh...sure. < canned laughter >

Holycow: I stopped to ask about some of the words used down here--do you think it would be a good idea to post a question--

< Sarkycow barges in >

Sarkycow: There you are, you ******** ******* ***** *****!! < Canned giggles >

Holycow: Those are the words! < Canned laughter > Sarkycow seems upset about something, so I'd better post now < Goes to terminal and starts typing >

Viewscreen: "I'm new around here, and it may not be appropriate to ask this on the Styx Board..."

< Sighing, Nightlamp and RooK watch Holycow with admiration; more canned laughter >

Sarkycow < to them >: What are you doing?? WHAT IS GOING ON??...
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to several threads away. Pyx_e is dozing, but suddenly jerks his head up and starts sniffing eagerly in the direction of Holycow's thread; canned hysterics >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< The Hell Office sometime later--Nightlamp and RooK are adoringly hanging around Holycow, while Sarkycow watches disgustedly >

Nightlamp: Amazing, Holycow! Your first thread, and it's a big hit! You've inspired such fiendish, scatological creativity!

RooK: That shouldn't be a surprise, as it comes from such a fascinating being--

< Sarkycow starts banging her head against the wall, but with a loud "OUCH!" stops after the first bang; rubs her head to canned laughter >

Holycow: What's wrong, Sarkycow?

Nightlamp: Oh, she's always been clumsy... < Canned laughter >

< Icarus Coot rushes in >

IC: Congratulations, dear Holycow! Are you ready to come back Heavenwards to receive further accolades?

Holycow: Oh, hello Icarus! < traipses over to give him a peck on the cheek > Sorry I lost track of time--these Hellhosts have been so kind!

< IC does a double-take, canned laughter >

IC: ...well, I'm sure they can have the pleasure of your company some other time--we should go now.

Holycow: Very well, if you think that best--

< Nightlamp and RooK throw themselves on the floor >

Nightlamp: No! Please don't go!

RooK: WE LOVE YOU!

< Sarkycow tries banging her head against the wall again, stop again with a loud "OUCH!"; canned laughter >

Holycow: Oh, that is so sweet! But I really must--

Nighlamp/RooK < wailing >: NOOOOOOOOOOO! < they grovel pathetically to canned hysterics >

Holycow: Oh, Icarus, they're so unhappy! What should we do?

IC < snappishly>: There's nothing we can do--we must go--

Holycow: There's nothing?? < bursts into tears > It's all my fault! I can't stay here--I must dedicate myself to a life of service--

Sarkycow < quickly handing Holycow her Dubious Ministry notes >: Here's a place. < canned laughter >

Holycow: Oh, thank you, dear Sarkycow! < hugs her > Goodbye, everyone--please don't think too ill of me! I will always remember you, Icarus! < runs out to canned applause and WOOOOs >

Sarkycow: ...so, Icarus, are you free tonight? < Canned hysterics >

IC < coldly >: Goodbye, Sarkycow < leaves to both Canned titters and "AAAAAAAAWWWWW"s >

Sarkycow: ...oh, he'll come around soon enough--

Nightlamp < reproachfully >: I don't know if we will. < sniffling, he and RooK leave to canned laughter >

Sarkycow < defensively >: Well, David won't be mad at me...

[ 12. September 2003, 20:20: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Segue to shot of David's Office Door. It swings open and Sarkycow bursts in. She stops in horror >

Sarkycow: OH NO!

tomb < now seen seated at David's desk with Snobbycow complacently standing at his side > Well. Well. Well. < Canned hysterics >

[ 12. September 2003, 19:50: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Icklicus Angelicus (# 3588) on :
 
more! please more! i wanna know what happens next!
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
[We now return...]

Sarkycow: What happened to David??

tomb: Ah, yes. A position finally reopened for him on the Admin Board. The proverbial door never even touched his ***.

Snobbycow < as to a child >: That would be '****' to you, Sarkycow. < canned titters >

Sarkycow < annoyed >: I know that! < canned laughter > Tomb, if this clone and I are going to be working together, she's going to have to--

tomb: --But--will you be working together? You see, it appears that Hell is now a little overstaffed.

Laugh Track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sarkycow < flabbergasted >: You don't mean--

tomb < rhetorically twiddling his thumbs and looking right at Snobbycow > Let's see--whom should I choose? < canned laughter... >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Sarkycow: Oh, never mind! I can see I'm not wanted.

tomb < allowing himself a derisive snort >: You got that right.

Snobbycow < horrified >: "You...got...that right??"

Laugh Track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

tomb < panicking >: But, Sarkycow getting it two seconds ago constitutes a legitimate use of the past tense!

Snobbycow: Pure sophistry!

tomb < pleading >: Oh, c'mon--consider it then a colloquialism used for humorous effect!

Snobbycow: Do you actually believe that the master of Hell should stoop to such trivialities?? You are not the man that I thought you were, Mr. tomb. I shall take the offer from Roget's Official Web Site after all. Good luck in your future endeavors--you will obviously need it. < sallies out to canned applause and WOOOOs; >

Sarkycow < smugly >: See you tomorrow, tomby. < skips out to tomb's enraged glare; canned applause >

Next: A mini-episode written by Icarus Coot


[Snobbycow's grammar made even more refined]

[ 22. September 2003, 17:37: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by The Coot (Icarus) (# 220) on :
 
SarkyCow and the Surprise
[Special feature]

She's a working girl with a job in Hell,
Though sometimes things don't turn out so well.
She'll get by some way, somehow,
Though trouble always follows Sarkycow!


<Nightlamp and Rook are crowding around Lifeman>

Rook: Right Lifeman, think of your best joke.

Lifeman: < flattered, peeing himself with delight > You want to hear one of my jokes?!

Rook: Well. Yes and no.

(Canned Laughter)

< Nightlamp produces a yard glass of beer with a rubber pipe dangling out of it >

Nightlamp: Make a tight seal over the pipe with your lips and speak into the tube.

Lifeman: "An Englishman, an American, and an Ir--" blurgle burble "go in--" blurgle blup

Rook: < Bracing himself on the furniture and struggling to keep awake > Right - we'll be back when you've finished. Don't let any of the joke's hypnotic essence leak out.

< Nightlamp and Rook stagger from the room supporting each other >

(Fade out to applause and laughter)


<Tea break time in Hell>
Nightlamp: Ok, Rook. Is the Lifeman-laced nightcap ready?

Rook: <Carefully placing the yard glass hypnotic brew on the tea table> Ready.

Nightlamp: Oh! Morning, Sarkycow!

Rook: Morning Sarkycow!

Sarkycow: <Suspiciously> Morning guys...

Nightlamp: Would you like to play a game, Sarkycow?

Rook: Yes! We have to take turns reciting some of Erin's favourite insults, and the first one who fails has to drink this!

Sarkycow: <puzzled> That's a PENALTY?!

[Canned laughter]

Nightlamp: Right! I'll go first: 'Asshat'!

Rook: You're so predictable Nightlamp: 'Seeker of Pleasure with Rusted Farm Implements'

Sarkycow: Oh. Um. Let-me-think. Drat. Can't think of any. Oh well, looks like I'll have to drink this. <She sculls it in one go>

[Canned laughter, applause]

Sarkycow: Right, I better get back to w-- <keels over unconscious>


[Segue to a changed Hellhost tea room. Rook has put the Ship's clock forward 9 months, a temporary bed has been brought in and Sarkycow is sleeping sweetly in it. Nightlamp and Rook stand by the bed waiting for any signs of consciousness]

Sarkycow: Ohhhh. My heeeead.

Nightlamp and Rook: <peering over the bed with concern, together attempting to sound natural > Thank-Hell-you're-alright-SarkyCow!

Rook: We tried everything. You've been... away for so long.

Sarkycow: <Looking at clock> Wasn't it-

Nightlamp: Yes it would've seemed like yesterday to you. You were unconscious for so long-
Rook: And then there-
< They look at each other >

Sarkycow: WHAT?!

Nightlamp: I'm not sure how to tell you this, Sarkycow. There was a locked thread. You, Pyx_e and Coot were stuck in it. And then the Ship went down.

Sarkycow: WHAT?!?!

Rook: When it came back on line 3 days later, you emerged singing Amazonian Battle Songs.

Nightlamp: Then you cryptically uttered: 'By God, the female praying mantis has the right idea!' and fell into a deep sleep.

Sarkycow: <Speechless with horror>

Rook: What we got back of Pyx_e didn't live very-- < Nightlamp elbows him>
< Canned Laughter>
Rook: I mean, neither Pyx_e nor Coot have spoken to this day.

<Nightlamp leaves the room and re-enters leading Pyx_e, dressed in a cow costume, with patent leather shoes, bow tie and wielding an asparagus fork, by the hand>

<Riotous canned laughter, clapping>

Nightlamp: Congratulations, SarkyCow! This is... Happy Calf!

SarkyCow: Nooooooooo! <Pitchfork clatters to the ground. Faints>

<Clapping, laughter, fade out as credits roll>

[NEXT EPISODE: THE CELEBRITY GUEST]

[ 03. October 2003, 21:22: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
COPY
PASTE

Oh, yeah, baby.
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 


David
very glad he's digging back into the older pages
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
She's a working girl with a job in Hell,
Though sometimes things don't turn out so well.
She'll get by some way, somehow,
Though trouble always follows Sarkycow!

< Scene: The Hell Office. Rook and Nightlamp are polishing their pitchforks. >

Nightlamp: ...that's the problem with tomb. You could always tell when David was angry, but this guy's always so quiet. Too quiet.

RooK: Yeah--he's Silent But Deadly.

< The two snigger; Laugh Track groans. Sarkycow enters; applause. >

RooK: What's up, Sarkycow?

Sarkycow: Don't ask! < Canned Laughter > When I was trying to leave the Station, this guy was blocking the stairs with these "Lose Weight--Ask Me How" flyers, so I wound up slicing him open, pulling out his subcutaneous fat, and stuffing it down his mouth! Honestly, the things you go through commuting!

< Slightly weirded out, the Laugh Track chuckles nervously >

Sarkycow: So, what's going on today?...
 

---

Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
"Pulling out his subcutaneous fat"?

David
back, after being ill
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Nightlamp: Actually, something pretty big. We've been given orders to delete all of Hell's crappy threads--

Sarkycow: Isn't that redundant?

< Canned laughter >

Sarkycow: Tee-hee--I kill me!

Nightlamp < annoyed at the interruption >: --and double-check all the remaining spelling and grammar. Someone big is visiting--in secret!

Sarkycow: Who??

RooK: The Admins won't let us know! Shows how much they trust us.

Nightlamp: Maybe it's because we would tell everyone--

RooK: Well, duh, but still... < Canned laughter >

Sarkycow: Aren't there any clues?...
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Belisarius - why don't you sidestep the play & just take her out to a steak dinner instead?
 

---

Posted by RooK (# 1852) on :
 
...because the waiting list is too long?
 

---

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
Because he fears he'd have to supply the meat - um - himself?
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Those are petty excuses.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Nightlamp: Right now, none.

Sarkycow < Slams fist on desk; Nightlamp and RooK start > Your lack of initiative SICKENS me!!

RooK: What brought that on??

Sarkycow: Hey, I have to show my range if I'm going to win an Emmy. < canned laughter and applause > Can't we at least rule any Christian or Anti-Christian celebrities out?

Nightlamp: Well, whoever it is, they would need a high tolerance for Tat.

Sarkycow < amazed >: It's Marilyn Manson?? < canned laughter... >
 

---

Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
Sarkycow: So it's celebrity whose presence requires serious thread pruning?

Nightlamp: Yes, we'd got that far.

Sarkycow: And who is not Ship of Fools habitue?

RooK <aside> : Keep trying dear, you'll work out how to do an acute accent eventually.....

<Nightlamp titters sychophantically>

Sarkycow: Hmmmmmmmmmm

Nightlamp: Brilliant! It's Mr Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!

Sarkycow: Nightlamp, do you have a problem with me?

Nightlamp: <Extremely uncomfortable> Er....Who? Me???????

Sarkycow: <Appealingly> Yes, you, Nightie
dear

RooK: DON'T CALL HIM NIGHT -

<Sarkcow moves towards RooK, fluttering her eyelashes energetically>

Sarkycow: <flirtatiously> Yes, Rookie? <flutters eyelashes>

RooK: Errrr...........

<enter Dick Van Dyke>

<Medley of theme tune from Dick Van Dyke Show (if it had one), 'It's A Jolly 'Oliday Wiv Meery' from Mary Poppins, and theme tune of Diagnosis Murder

<wild audience applause>

D Van D: <In best 'Cockernee' accent> 'Ere, Sarky Ceee-ow, woss all the com- motion, then?
 

---

Posted by Ickle Angel (# 3588) on :
 
what the...??!!

 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
[

quote:

---

Originally posted by Arrietty:
Medley of theme tune from Dick Van Dyke Show (if it had one) ...

---

DAAA, DAAA, DA da da da DA da, da DA da, da DA da...
]

Nightlamp: Dick Van Dyke is the secret celebrity??

DVD: Cor, wot ar' y'on 'bout? Me and Sarks go back aways--back t' when we set fire to--

Sarkycow: SHHHHHHHHH!! < canned laughter >

RooK: Then why are you here??

DVD: T' 'elp her wid winnin' the Emmy, o' course!

Nightlamp < staggering around à la James T. Kirk > Must...resist...fake...accent...

< canned Fans-of-Nightlamp Section cheers >

Sarkycow: HEY--if anyone is going to do any scenery-chewing around here, it's ME!

RooK: Can we please get back to the subject at hand??

Sarkycow < going back to the fluttering-eyelash routine >: Ah do declare, Mr. RooK, you're giving me the vapours--

RooK: Oh, cut it out, you Susan Lucci-wannabe! < canned laughter > Now, do think it's Gene Rob--

Everyone Else: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! < canned hysterics... >
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Nightlamp: We're getting nowhere!

DVD: Cheer up, guv'ner--when I'm feeling all sixes and sevens, I just sing a little song--

RooK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

< Music strikes up >

Nightlamp: It's too late!

DVD < dancing around >: Supercalifragilisticexpiali-DO-cious...

RooK: I'm gonna puke!

Sarkycow: Shut up, this is fun! < starts singing along > Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious...

< She and DVD start doing a high-kicking routine, generating canned cheers and whistles >

Sarkycow: I'LL GET THAT EMMY YET!...
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< Icarus Coot rushes in >

IC: Sarkycow, I've been a fool! < kneels > Will you marry me?

Laugh Track: AAAAAAAAAAAAAWW..

Sarkycow: Oh, Icarus, I want to say "Yes!" But...there's something you should know...

< Sappy music plays >

Voiceover: On a very special "Oh, That Sarkycow--"

RooK: THAT DOES IT! Someone call me when we're back to determining a Christian-or-Anti-Christian-celebrity! < flounces off >

DVD: Blimey, that feller's off the twist!...

Nightlamp: Maybe a shipmate poll will give us a clue.

Sarkycow: Maybe...but...what about my secret? < bites knuckle melodramatically while sappy music plays again... >
 

---

Posted by Joyeux (# 3851) on :
 
finally getting to sit down and catch up on the only soap opera I follow... thank goodness I don't need standard A/V equipment to "see" episodes I've missed!

How can we ever wait to learn her secret?

Did she secretly aid and abet the underground rebellion in a third-world country? Is she really pulling the strings on the most convincing sock-puppet? Or is she...

*other friends in home-viewing audience throw pillows at J, in an attempt to make her sit still and be quiet, like a good little girl™*
 

---

Posted by Ickle Angel (# 3588) on :
 
nonsense Joyeux, she is clearly a man...
 

---

Posted by Jenny* (# 3131) on :
 
No, the secret is that she has a even more evil twin. and she is the nice one in the family.

*shudder*

J
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
IC < manfully >: Sarkycow, I know I can deal with any secret you have.

Sarkycow: Well...Icarus...I HAVE FLAT FEET! < starts sobbing; canned hysterics >

IC: ...I..think I can live with that--

Sarkycow: No, no!--when we're man and wife, I'll have to...take off my shoes at some point...Oh, Icarus, they're HIDEOUS! < sobs again; canned laughter >

IC: I don't care! I'm marrying you, not your feet--although...wearing a pair of Heaven's fuzzy bunny slippers in the privacy of our home probably would make you less self-conscious. < canned laughter >

Sarkycow < after the briefest of grimaces >: Oh, Icarus, you're so wonderful! < they embrace >

Laugh Track: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWW...

< A fanfare suddenly sounds. Ruth, Laura, Viola, and Hooker's Trick enter in solemn procession, with RooK scurrying after them holding a fanfare-playing boombox. He shuts the boombox off, cutting off the fanfare without warning. Canned laughter >

DVD: Oi, who are the tony folk??

< RooK, Nightlamp, and Sarkycow, and IC genuflect >

R/N/S/I: Accept our unworthy tribute, O Admins. < canned titters >

Laura: O Hellhosts, in mercy for your pitiful existence, we grant thee a boon--

Ruth: We shall allow you gaze upon the anonymous celebrity--

Hooker's Trick: You may have suspected...

Viola: Allow us to introduce--

All four: Satan himself!

Laugh track: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

< Nightlamp, RooK, Sarkycow, and IC tremble in anxiety >

< Simon Jenkins enters. Canned hysterics >

N/R/S/I: YOU???

Simon: It's always the last person you'd suspect, isn't it?... < canned laughter >

[ 14. November 2003, 02:48: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
DVD: Wait now, wasn't that line used in The Simp--

< Simon points at DVD, who disappears in a puff of smoke; canned laughter >

Simon: Sorry to make you jump through all these hoops just to get the Board tidied up, but, I am The Prince of Darkness, after all. < canned laughter >

Nightlamp: If I may ask, why are you revealing yourself?

Simon: Oh, secrecy doesn't matter much now--my Reign of Evil is coming soon enough, on...oh dear, where's my scheduler? I'm so bad at dates...< canned laughter > ...regardless, it's coming soon, and I'd like to thank all the unknowing minions on SoF for being such useful tools in trapping souls in Damnation.

RooK: Watchman was right!! < canned laughter and applause >

Sarkycow: This is too much! I don't think I can take any more surprises!

Simon: How ironic--you see...Sarkycow, I am your father! < canned hysterics >

RooK: Ooh, don't want to be at that family reunion! < canned laughter >

Sarkycow < in shock >: Well...if you're my father...< 180-degree turn to excited greed > can I have an Emmy? < canned hysterics >

Simon: Of course, my dear. < he snaps his fingers and an Emmy appears in Sarkycow's hands > This is the one Courtney Cox was supposed to finally get. < Canned laughter >

Sarkycow: Wow, thanks Dad! < canned laughter >

Simon: There's no doubt of your paternity, my dear. < canned laughter > Well, I'll be seeing you all again soon enough...carry on. < exits with Admins to canned laughter and applause >

Nightlamp: ...Wow...I don't anything will ever top what just happened.

RooK: Does that mean this was the Series Finale?

Sarkycow: Who cares?? I GOT AN EMMY!! < kisses it > I'd like to thank my father and Satan and--oops, same person, tee-hee... < canned laughter and applause >

CURTAIN


[Acceptance speech added]

[ 14. November 2003, 12:48: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 


I'd like to thank my screenwriter, Bel. Everyone charge your glasses:

To Bel!
 

---

Posted by The Coot (Icarus) (# 220) on :
 
Cheers!

I'm sure Icarus was the envy of all.

Now, haven't you got a hot stove to be slaving over? Kuche, Kinder, Kirche and all that.
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
< bows >

Your humble servant.


ETA: But where are my manners--kudos also to Arrietty, The Coot, soggy_amphibian*, Stoo*, Louise, RooK*, Miffy, and madkaren for their contributions.

* Also PM'd ideas

[ 15. November 2003, 03:55: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
By semi-popular request, we now bring...

Behind the Laughter: Oh, That Sarkycow

• How it all began
• The Rise of Heaven's Favorite Sitcom
• The Private and Not-So-Private Rivalries
• The Alternate Scenes and Moments Too Hot for Heaven
• Where are they now?

Narrator: It was the heady days of May 2003. Concerned about the growing perception that Hell was the new center of SoF creativity, writer/producer Belisarius pondered what to do...

Belisarius: ...it was time for the next big project. While wondering what genre to concentrate on, I realized that whether previous threads were ostensibly for spectacle < visual cue of The Miss SoF Pageant >, drama < visual cue of Heaven: The Soap Opera >, or even reality programming < visual cue of Smilie Sister 2 >, the comedic element kept creeping in. Then it hit me--"Of course! Do a sitcom!" But--who would be the lead?

Narrator: In a brilliant moment of inspiration, Belisarius turned his thoughts to both one of Heaven's harshest critics and a particular thread in Hell...
 

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Posted by ChrisT (# 62) on :
 
...however they weren't available for the modest budget awarded to film the show by SoF Productions, a fledgling company with rumours of dodgy business dealings. So Bel went for the next best, Sarkycow!

<cut to a heavily pregnant Sarkycow, surrounded by small screaming children, cigarrette precariously perched in her lips, feeding a small dog milk from a baby bottle>

Sarkycow: Well, I immediately jumped at the chance, dahling, I simply adore old, sorry, young Bellyboy. And the rough pilot script he sent me, although it was handwritten on cheap toilet paper, was just so refreshing and ... well, earthy. It's been a long time since I've had the opportunity to come to grips with a part as big as this, so I relished the thought of it. Teas in the pot if you want some.

Narrator: So with a lead actress hired for the princely sum of a packet of TimTams and a ride in the producers SUV, the team could get started on writing the show, and who better to provide the inspiration for this sparklingly witty new sitcom than...
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
...John D. Miller, whose hilarious numerological threads are still fondly remembered by SoF veterans.

Belisarius: ...We were very excited. Successfully releasing a sitcom about Hell would be a major coup for Heaven, and we already had a built-in audience...

Narrator: The pilot was ready to be made. But who would play the co-star? Sarkycow recommended RooK < old Glamor Shots photo >, whom she had seen on Amateur Night at Chippendales. Not particularly caring one way or the other, the writers agreed.

< Cut to archival footage >

Staffer: Sarkycow Pilot, Take One

Belisarius: And...action!

< Sarkycow enters stage >

RooK: Morning, Sarkycow.

Sarkycow: "Morning" has seven letters, representing the seven days of Creation and Resting, but it has two vowels, representing the duality of Christ...

< Focus group sits silently >

Narrator: Belisarius had miscalculated the appeal of John D. Miller to younger viewers. Advertisers were unenthusiastic. What to do?

Belisarius: We went to our second choice for inspiration: Duchess's Magic 8-Ball...

< Cut to archival footage >

Staffer: Sarkycow Pilot, Take One

Belisarius: And...action!

< Sarkycow enters stage >

RooK: Morning, Sarkycow.

Sarkycow: KISS MY BIBLE, HEATHEN!! < smashes RooK in the face with steel-plated KJV >

< Focus group roars with laughter >

Belisarius: --and the reaction was incredible!

RooK < dressed as Harold Hill for a Dinner Theatre production of "The Music Man" >: It hurt like ****, but I knew we had a hit on our hands.

Narrator: The premiere date was set...but at the Eleventh hour--

Duchess: --All I wanted was my fair share of the residuals. Cheap bastards.

Belisarius: ...it always comes down to money in the end. Rather than delay the premiere in wrangling, we decided to start from scratch...

[ 17. November 2003, 20:18: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by The Coot (Icarus) (# 220) on :
 
Belisarius (cont.): ... What to do? I was lounging in the Heavenly Hosts Pink Fluffy Bourdoir feeling a little bit dispirited, when Sarkycow walked in and proceeded to dry her hair langorously and intentionally. A flustered Icarus came mincing in. And it was:

'Ms Cow! Stop hogging that mirror! You took 40 minutes in the bathroom! This is our Boyz Space. I've got a hot date with Sine in 15 minutes, and I need to zhoozh myself up a bit!'

Quite entertaining really. I was rather tickled to hear Sarky reply:

'Oh **** off and die you vapid queen!'

A very edifying interchange:

'Oooo! Overworked Bed Whore on a Tasmanian-bound Slaveship!'

A plot started to gel in my mind.

[Edit: formatting]

[ 17. November 2003, 22:16: Message edited by: The Coot (Icarus) ]
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Belisarius (cont.): The chemistry between them--somewhat adapted, of course--would be a major component of the series. It would have to wait, though, until we had a successful pilot episode.

Narrator: Belisarius asked for advice from his collegue, the respected dramaturge Stoo...

Stoo < in a black turtleneck and enthusiastically gesturing with a cigarillo in one hand >: The problem was that the series had to be more than about Hell--it had to be of Hell. Belisarius could not afford to cut corners--he needed perfomers with the proper sense memories to convey the whole Hell experience, make us believe it...

Narrator: Belisarius took Stoo's advice to heart. < Shot of Hellhost cast > Some incriminating photos helped bring trained Hellhost Nightlamp to the cast; The elusive David agreed to join after his contract promised him the right to eviscerate any guest star he didn't like. With time running out on its last chance, the creative team was forced to adopt an unconventional approach to finally bringing the pilot alive...
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Stoo: We decided to take a quasi-improvisational approach so as to completely facilitate character-driven interaction--though some basic Method training was necessary for some of the players. < cut to photo of Stoo observing intensely while Sarkycow has sullenly taken an "I am a tree" pose >

Belisarius: Rather than rely on one theme, we stole--I mean, emulated ideas from various sources--ensemble-oriented shows like Newsradio, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Simpsons, The Jack Chick Variety Hour...

Narrator: And so a final pilot was cobbled together < Photo of OP action >. The action would take place in the Office of Hell, with Sarkycow being put in charge of a controversial thread...

Belisarius: That was the cornerstone--we needed a snappy thread title, but we were stumped--up to the day of shooting--

Narrator: But then, Belisarius noticed that the "Vicar Duped Me Into Having Sex" thread was about to be closed.

Belisarius: It hit me--"Lesbian Atheists Duped Me Into Sex!" Everything else fell into place...

Narrator: All that remained to figure out was the title.

Belisarius: We were going to have a play on a pre-existing title--dozens of them were being flung around--when suddenly Icarus flounced in after some new conflict with Sarky and announced "Ooh, that Sarkycow is such a bitch!" Oh, that Sarkycow. Q.E.D....
 

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Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 

 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Narrator: The rest, as they say, is history...

Stoo: I believe our success was due to the combination, unique in its time for a sitcom, of Steinbeckian morality and Post-War ambiguity, as embodied by the "innocent demon" of Sarkycow--though the Grand Guignol elements admittedly were a factor also...

RooK: The disembowelings. Definitely the disembowelings. If you didn't have Cable, this was the place for it.

Narrator: The buzz spread like wildfire. Before taping was concluded, celebrities like Erin (archive photo of her shooting a flamethrower) and RuthW (archive photo of her being crowned Miss Episcopalian Liberal 2001) agreed to make cameos. "Oh, That Sarkycow!" was a hit.

To continue the success achieved by the Pilot, Icarus Coot was about to be introduced--but as the wacky next-door neighbor.

Belisarius: Oh, yes--the comic twist in the original "Sarkycow's Blind Date" was that the date was Lifeman...

< cut to archival footage >

Sarkycow: < glances at sheet > ...Now, he should be at one of these tables and wearing an orange carnation--

< She sees Lifeman, still scalpless, sitting a table wearing an orange carnation. Canned hysterics >

Sarkycow < glancing down and realizing she's still wearing Lifeman's scalp as a cameo brooch > OH NO!! < more canned hysterics >

Narrator: Fate, however, would intervene...

[typo]

[ 01. December 2003, 18:24: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Stoo: You see, Lifeman made the mistake of many beginning performers not yet secure in their craft--crossing the line between "the play" and reality. His overtures to Sarkycow became a little too overt... < archival footage of an ambulance leaving the "Oh, That Sarkycow!" set >

Narrator: With the episode unfinished, the Production Staff took a gamble...

Sarkycow < taking a long drag >: Oh, yes, I thought Bellyboy had gone completely mad. I mean, me and Icarus?? But I suppose it worked out all right--NIGEL!! STAY AWAY FROM MUMMY'S "MEDICINE" OR I'LL KNOCK YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!!...
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Narrator: Despite the turmoil off-screen, audiences were charmed by Sarkycow and Icarus's on-screen chemistry < photo of Sarkycow-chasing-a-bikini-clad-Icarus scene >.

Icarus Coot < filing his nails >: Oh, I liked the challenge, I suppose, of pretending to like that beast, but, honestly, the tacky facade we had to keep up!

Narrator: The practically-obligatory public appearances and enemies made along the way only added to the strain...

< cut to archival footage of Sarkycow and IC waving at a crowd with set smiles. Suddenly screams are heard as people leap out of the way of a cleaver-brandishing Duchess >

Duchess: MY PILOT SHOULD HAVE BEEN AIRED!! LET'S SEE HOW FUNNY YOU ARE AS A PILE OF STEAK!!

< she lunges at Sarkycow, who whacks her away with her pitchfork. The crowd, now thinking the whole thing was staged, guffaws >

[Edit: name fixed for artistic purposes. Flounce.]

[ 04. December 2003, 20:43: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 

 

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Posted by Lifeman (# 579) on :
 
What a nice surprise to see that Lifeman was brought back on the show for another cameo appearance....

Was this because by popular request from Lifeman's fans in America?
 

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Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
No, it's cause I wanted to flay you (aka do a Bad Willow™ ) one more time. I do so enjoy a good flaying. Especially of an idiot.
 

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Posted by Lifeman (# 579) on :
 
Miss Cow,

I'm not sure that your taste for flagelation should be part of what I understand to be a family show. There's too much of this sort of thing on T.V.

I think that it would be good to see Lifeman on the show as a regular cameo comic slot (like Des O'Connor on the Morecombe and Wise show)
 

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Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
Flagellation (note spelling) is different from flaying. Try reading a dictionary before throwing round long words which you obviously don't know the meaning of.

And you may appear regularly if I get to mock you mercilessly every week. Oh yeah, I do that already.

Sarkycow
 

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Posted by Lifeman (# 579) on :
 
Always a pleasure to appear on your show Miss Cow
 

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Posted by Sarkycow (# 1012) on :
 
I'd like to say the same thing.

Scratch that, I wouldn't.
 

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Posted by Lifeman (# 579) on :
 
Come on Miss Cow,

You give everyone a fair crack of the whip....
 

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Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
Narrator: Initially Belisarius was not convinced about having co-writers involved in the process

<cut to Heavenly Boudoir - Belisarius grinding teeth at screen> :

Who the **** ******** **** is Arrietty and why is she posting on MY THREAD??????

Icarus Coot < filing his nails >: Take a chill pill, dude.

<cut to Icarus Coot in on-set caravan, drinking Brut Champagne and trying on leather studded dog collar>:

Quite frankly, and this may sound a teentsy, weentsy little bit ungrateful, I think it did Belly Boy good to have to deal with other writers chipping in. I had noticed - and so had my public - that he was a tiny teeny little tadlet prone to set all the scenes in Hell because he got a wee tiny almost microscopic little thrillicle out of writing about David stomping around and being masterful.......

Narrator: At the start, Arrietty claims she didn't realise what she was getting involved in

<cut to Arrietty in Barbara Cartland style evening dress and tiara>:

Of course, it's been lovely to have the recognition and get some of the rewards of success, but to be quite honest nothing could have been further from my thoughts when I decided to wade in. All I wanted to do was to help dear darling Bel. I know there are those who say <laughs girlishly> that it wouldn't even have run to two pages without my contribution, but I couldn't possibly comment......I'm sure he would have managed without me eventually. The unpleasant private messages? Oh, I took those in my stride.

<cut to Belisarius staring at computer screen in amazement>:
What the hell is an asshat's asshat and why is she calling me one?

Icarus: Well, darling, it's just a guess, but sending a PM telling her where to put her 'so called wit' might just have sparked off a bit of a reaction.....

Narrator: Stoo was also drawn into the team

<cut to Stoo shaving with his cutlass>:

Aaarh! Harrr! Oh arr! Any friend of Icarus' be a friend of mine, matey!!!!

No, but seriously - I consider Oh That Sarky Cow to be one of the defining moments of post-millennial, post-modern, post-ironic iconography.

<pause> Or was that Postman Pat?
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Narrator: The tension grew still more. While struggles for creative control raged, jealousy grew between cast members. Egos flared--

< cut to out-take >

Sarkycow < to RooK >: YOU DID IT WRONG AGAIN, YOU *****!!

Stoo < wearily >: Sarkycow, you must channel your energy constructively, or you'll destroy the ensemble we've worked so hard to synthesize--

Sarkycow: OH, SHUT UP! I DON'T NEED TO LISTEN TO YOUR CRAP ANYMORE! I'M A ****** STAR NOW!! THIS ****** SHOW IS NOTHING WITHOUT ME, DO YOU HEAR??? NOTHING!!!!!!!

By the end of the third episode RooK was making public statements complaining of favoritism and was secretly planning what would become Puppet Fights in retaliation. In a desperate effort to keep Sarkycow under control, Belisarius and Stoo integrated themselves into the cast in Episode 4.

Belisarius: Fortunately, the episode was Heaven-centered, so our integration was pretty smooth...

[Link added]

[ 22. January 2004, 21:10: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Narrator: Whether because of or in spite of this intervention, it was the start of what many consider to be the series's peak.

Chastmastr: The Arrietty-Belisarius tension gave the scripts complexity, and Sarkycow was at her most lovable. It was great time to participate--

Narrator: --but the tightrope rose higher and higher.

Chastmastr: --it couldn't last forever. I think the show started Jumping the Shark in "Overtime in Hell"--that's when Sarkycow's character started getting nasty...
 

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Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
<Janine wanders by with a huge whipped-cream-topped coffee concoction in hand, after weeks and months of Not Looking At The Show... and hears:>

quote:

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Originally posted by Belisarius:
...Chastmastr: --it couldn't last forever. I think the show started Jumping the Shark in "Overtime in Hell"--that's when Sarkycow's character started getting nasty...

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<She jerks, astonished, snorts a bit of coffee down 'the wrong way', and blinks, a dollop of whipped cream on the tip of her nose...>

<hak koff wheeeze> "Started getting nasty?"
 

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Posted by ChastMastr (# 716) on :
 
Sort of like greater and lesser infinities, don't you know...
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Belisarius: I'm afraid Sarkycow's character started reflecting her growing megalomania...

RooK: You should have heard what she really wanted to do with Holycow--and she was playing her through trick photography! Let's just say my nur--ahem--girlfriend would have had a dissertational Field Day with Sarky.

Narrator: Then the final blow came. Frustrated over not having eviscerated anyone, David abruptly left the show...
 

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Posted by Arrietty (# 45) on :
 
<David is in silhouette. He is chain smoking. His voice has been digitally altered.>

David: It's not true, you know, what they say. There were no artistic differences.

<Cut to 'noddy' shot of interviewer, nodding vigorously, obviously filmed later.>

<Cut back to David, his cigarette much smaller than in the last shot>

David: I mean, I loved that show. I loved Rookie and Nightie. (Sobbing) I even loved Sarky Cow.....

Interviewer: But there were some artistic differences, weren't there?

David: OK, yes. All I wanted was to make a pilot for my show what I wrote, Simon's Angels.....'Once upon a time, there were three little cows who went to Erin's Finishing School for Hellhosts....' But they took her away!

Interviewer: Who did they take away, David? Sarky cow?

David: Nooooo, Snobby Cow... I loved my Snobby Cow - but Tomb got in there first, and when they split up, she left!

Interviewer: So the artistic differences were...?

David: Everyone said I would have made a lovely Bosley. Belisarius promised to help me enlarge my part.

<Cut to archive footage of Tomb, outside Hell office, besieged by press photographers>

Tomb: I have no more to say. I did not have afternoon tea with that woman. I mean cow.

Narrator: Despite his speedy denial, Tomb never full recovered from the scandal. A broken man, he sought solace in his organ.
 

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Posted by Lifeman (# 579) on :
 
I was just thinking what a good idea it would be to write in a part for Lifeman in the next episode - perhaps seeing Lifeman stuck in a lift with Sarkycow? or maybe Sarky and Lifeman bump into each other at a Pole dancing club?
 

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Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Lifeman:
or maybe Sarky and Lifeman bump into each other at a Pole dancing club?

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What a good idea. Since it was you who came up with it, maybe you should head off to Krakow and see if you can find a suitable dancing club...
 

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Posted by Lifeman (# 579) on :
 
Marvin,

I was actually meaning Pole Dancing as opposed to dancing in a Polish Club.

For the record, I was in Krakow last September and didn't visit any Pole Dancing clubs.
 

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Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
My mistake
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Narrator: ...the stresses and scandals were taking their final toll. A shorter format was experimented with < photo clip of Pyx_e as Happycalf with Sarkycow screaming >, but the inevitable was admitted--the show could not go on.

Belisarius: Yes, announcing to the remaining cast that the series would not be renewed was a sad day--Sarkycow didn't take it well--

< Security Camera archive shows Sarkycow lurching down the hall with an empty whiskey bottle >

Sarkycow: I'LL KILL THEM!! I'LL KILL THEM ALL!!

< she throws the bottle against the wall, shattering it, and then slowly slides to the floor >

Sarkycow < moaning >: They're all against me...

Narrator: Others took the news better--

IC < sipping a cosmoplitan > I had already gotten a fabulous write-up for my mini-episode, so my panties weren't in a bunch, thank you...
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Narrator: The final episode, was well received; Oh, That Sarkycow! was able to retire gracefully--in the nick of time.

RooK: Fortunately, Sarky was able to pull herself together one last time--though I'm glad I didn't have to be the one to keep buttering her up or keep saying "No, that take was wonderful, really, it was" or make sure her drinks were cold enough and that there was no lint on her trailer couch.

Coot: < deadpan >: "Sarkycow, I've been a fool! Will you marry me?" < bursts into giggling hysterics >

Simon: My part was supposed to be bigger orginally, but Sarkycow wouldn't hear of it. < sighing > I thought it best to avoid a scene...

Belisarius: It would have been possible to extend the suspense on Sarkycow's "secret," or have it be less pedestrian, but what with other posters reluctant to work with Sarkycow after certain...incidents...we quit while we were ahead.

Narrator: After the final episode wrapped, the fates of the cast members were varied...
 

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Posted by Lifeman (# 579) on :
 
I was wondering if there are any plans for a re-run of the original series of 'Oh, that Sarky Cow'?
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Narrator < Cont. > ...defying all her former associates, Sarkycow immediately attempted to launch a spin-off...

Sarkycow < doing the ironing >: I suppose I could have come up with a different title than Watch My Show, You Pathetic Mouth-Breathing Gits, but everyone said they wanted edgy! < starts sniffling > The World is so hard on us artistic types...

Narrator: This rank failure, however, allowed her to meet her future husband, the director Alan Smithee.

Sarkycow: Oh, no, I don't miss Show Biz at all--I'm finally finding complete emotional and spiritual fulfillment in my family--TREVOR, I SAID STOP IT AND I MEANT IT!! < throws ladle >

[ 10. February 2004, 21:34: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Narrator: Of the remaining original cast, Icarus Coot has maintained the highest profile, going on to host SoF's Cast Iron Chefs < cue photo of IC ringing the Gong of Fate >, while the rest have quietly returned to their former lives. All agree, however, that Oh, That Sarkycow! was the experience of a lifetime.

Stoo: It pushed the boundaries of what was acceptable in Heaven--

Arrietty: Oh, That Sarkycow! was a cathartic cleansing of our collective psyche--a cosmic enema, if you will.

RooK: The show took the predjudice away from disemboweling and made people realize there is nothing shameful about this beautiful, natural, act, and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Sarkycow: ...for once in my life, it was all about me.

< FADE OUT >

NEXT ON "BEHIND THE LAUGHTER:" THE RECIPE THREAD


[Link updated]

[ 03. May 2004, 02:58: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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