quote:

---

Originally posted by 'Lurker':
Let's just forget the food part and have more of this sort of thing!

---

In the audience, a middle-aged woman and the young woman with the booze confer in whispers. They decide that Kelly doing something with her rose is worth one drink.

Charlotte
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
[Sits down with much rustling.]

I finally got here. Sorry I'm late but those interns just didn't know one door from the other. Now who is who? Is Kelly -that's supposed to be a dress!?- the one that butchers the theme food? I mean, she's gotta have the axe for something. And who did this set? Jeez-louise! This is a kitchen? Oh, my. Maybe in Lost Atlantis.

Where's my program?. Now my glasses have dropped between the seats. Jesus! It's so damn dark in here. Is this thing written in Japanese or what? Sorry. I had it upside down.

Oh ssshh, yourself!

[ 08. January 2004, 01:45: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Left at the altar (# 5077) on :
 
Stumbles in, thinking this is the World Idol studio.
Thinks the woman in wine with the boots will start singing at any moment.....but what's with the axe?
Wishes she brought a flask of something strong, and waits for the short Norwegian to start singing....but where is he?

[ 08. January 2004, 01:46: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Duo Seraphim (# 3251) on :
 
(Duo Seraphim Critic-san)

<Rummages in esky and produces a bottle of Bollinger Grande Annee and champagne flutes - what, you expected Foster's?>

Arigato gozaimasu, Coot-san! I'm looking forward to battle between Cast Iron Chef American and ... the Challenger. I am also looking forward to sampling the recipes made, of course, with the mystery ingredient.

<pop, gentle gurgle>

Have some champagne!

[ 08. January 2004, 01:47: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
[Hauls out her purse the size of a suitcase.]

:thud:

Now, where the dickens did I put that rascal? Aha! Gotcha!

[Pulls out a bottle of El Patron tequila, some tiny plastic cups, a baggie of lime wedges, and a salt shaker.]

Want a shot of the good stuff?

Plus I got some nice salsa cruda here that I chopped up special with chipotle and cilantro. Store-bought chips, but pretty good ones.

[ 08. January 2004, 01:49: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
(Firenze Critic-san)

Suddenly, a whisper runs round the audience (dives into the orchestra and exits stage left). To a growl of timpani and a low moan on the saxaphone, Firenze enters... She is wearing an understated little ensemble in black, gold, silver, azure, ultramarine and viridian with just the odd diamond clasp and only a few yards of pearls

Ah, Honourable Coot! Okikute ugokasenai Fujisan mitai da!* With you to direct us, I anticipate an evening of unspeakable... delights.

With a sussuration of silken folds, she takes her seat. Another whisper runs round the auditorium. Accompanied by a shiver.


*He looks as grand and immobile as Mount Fuji.

[ 08. January 2004, 01:50: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
[Lyda Rose dives back into her bag and firmly changes into her prescription sunglasses.

She doesn't spill a drop of liquor.]

[ 08. January 2004, 01:51: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

---

Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
Where there's a drinking game, there's Marvin...

Oh, and they've got food at this do as well? Cool.

When do they start cooking? I'm hungry...

Marvin fishes through the small aircraft hangar which doubles as his snack bag, and produces two steak sarnies, a supersize Dairy Milk and a 6-pack of Tetley. He settles down to enjoy the show.

[ 08. January 2004, 01:53: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
[Here is a picture of Marvin and his Tetley.]
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
I must admit I'd been wondering why he'd brought no less than six packs of tea along with him, but that's the British for you.
 

---

Posted by Light (# 4693) on :
 
[Wakes up from her comfy nap and yawns conspicuosly.]

Oh, it's already started? Where is that gorgeous naked chef?

[Leans over to the row in front and borrows some tequila from Lyda Rose.]

Mmm, nothing like tequila to wake one up! Let's have a shot for every item of clothing that is discarded on stage...

[ 08. January 2004, 01:54: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

---

Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
Yeah, right. Tea. Sure.
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san):
It is truly a pleasure, and we are honoured indeed to have these culinary experts and beautiful celebrities here with us tonight. ( -chink- Thankyou, Miss Duo)

[whispers] Now we wait for the inestimable Chairman Belisaga.

[Hushed expectation from the audience]

[ 08. January 2004, 01:55: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Buenaventura (# 4090) on :
 
[Audience member in Aisle 12, seat 5 checks her watch for the umpteenth time and sighs as she watches the drool slide down her husband's chin, suddenly realizing why he really dragged her here...]

'It's a show about the Culinary Arts, honey, really!', he says... Culinary Arts my @*#!!!

"Isn't this show supposed involve food somewhere?!"

[ 08. January 2004, 01:56: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
(Chairman Belisaga-san)

With appropriate synthesizer-based fanfare, a vision of swirling brocaded robes bursts into view. Having arrested the attention of all, Chairman Belisaga now proceeds to Center Stage with deliberate, haughty steps. Upon reaching his mark, he slowly pulls an avocado from his robes; with a smoldering gaze, he delicately places his lips on it before taking his first cruel bite. The gustatorial ravishing done within a few seconds, he then proclaims:

From the corners of the Internet, I have collected the greatest experts of cuisine for my supreme delectation. Let any challenge them who so dare.

I summon the Cast Iron Chefs!


[Finally sorted out correct plot sequence]

[ 08. January 2004, 01:58: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
[Lyda hisses under her breath:]

Eww! Avocado skin!

Hey, wait a minute. I forgot the guacamole.

[Purse dives again.]

[ 08. January 2004, 02:00: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
(Ariel Critic-san)

The suspense is exquisite. I wonder what the surprise ingredient will turn out to be. For a moment I had a vision of pure, snowy white bread, unpolluted by crude natural ingredients, a triumph of all that is best in modern technology, a standard of artificial excellence that surely every factory must aspire to. But then I blinked, and it was gone, leaving me with a vague, haunting feeling of regret, akin to that described by Proust when first he dunked an entire slice of cake into his cup of tea.

[ 08. January 2004, 01:59: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

---

Posted by Jack the Lass (# 3415) on :
 
Rushes in, late and flustered

Did someone mention a naked chef?????

[PS Light: who won World Idol? I missed it!!! Grrr]
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
Lyda Rose settles in a content haze, lazily considering:

Hmmm. Velveeta. Peanut butter. Best of Fryer. Ooo! Fryer...KFC...
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Kelly Alves Critic-san)

Rasies glass to Belisaga's pronouncement, then wonders how glass got there.

I am waiting for the Velveeta myself, Ariel. There is not enough attention given to processed cheese food, in my book; why settle for one cheese when you can have Colby, Swiss and Chedder blended all togedder?


The big question I am sure is on everyone's mind is condiments; will there be an emphasis on HP sauce or catsup, or will they allow for cultural differences in the chips sauce arena?


Note to Amazing Grace: I am game, but you are gonna have to be a little more specific about what I am to do with the rose. PM if you wish,

[ 08. January 2004, 02:01: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

---

Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on :
 
Whoo hoo! She said catsup! Flausa (from her seat in the back row) quickly tosses back a shot of tequila.
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
J. Howard Christ, Sine mutters to himself from his skybox, I've seen better outfits at cheap drag bars. On amateur night at cheap drag bars for that matter.

If these are the judges, one can only shudder to think what the contestants will be like. Should someone tell Belisaga he's got a bit of avocado skin stuck between his teeth?...Nah.
 

---

Posted by Grits (# 4169) on :
 
[Grits opens the studio door just a bit and takes a look around. After only a few moments, she gasps, suddenly aware that alcohol is being used for something other than just cooking! Horrified, she shuts the door quickly and scurries down the hall, looking for the studio where The 700 Club is filming.]

[ 08. January 2004, 02:07: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Erin (# 2) on :
 
(Cast Iron Chef American)

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
J. Howard Christ, Sine mutters to himself from his skybox, I've seen better outfits at cheap drag bars. If these are the judges, one can only shudder to think what the contestants will be like.

---

Oh ye of little faith...

Iron Chef American rises from below the stage:



[ 08. January 2004, 02:54: Message edited by: Erin ]
 

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Posted by Timothy (# 292) on :
 
[Timothy enters quietly wearing a black kimono, bows to the judges and the chefs. He sits on the floor and takes a bottle of Momokawa Diamond Sake from the bag he carries, pours it into a small, jade-green porcelain cup, and sips reflectively. "What a zoo," he thinks.]

[ 08. January 2004, 02:11: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Erin:
Iron Chef American rises from below the stage

---

quote:

---

Sine Nomine wrote: Would you care to see that Amalfi in a Nine, Madam?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Duo Seraphim:
She mutters:
Hope the mystery ingredient isn't Vegemite.

---

quote:

---

GK approaches Belisaga-san and kneels. She performs the tea ceremony for the chairman, using an exquisite ancient tea set. Once he has tasted the tea, house elves spread out and perform the tea ceremony for all present.

---

Jesus H. Christ. What a brown nose.
Go Amurk...Emer...US Chef! Yeah!
We're almost half way through the El Patron and the frickin' show hasn't even started. Hey, Flausa, did someone say catsup? Down the hatch, chica!

Didya see the outfits? All those sequins and feathers and...and...see-through stuff? And look at the women's clothes! WooHoo!

[ 08. January 2004, 02:19: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
(Firenze Critic-san)

Firenze slides off the velvet opera cape* - but not the elbow-length black satin gloves. Or the mask. With a small golden pen she makes miniscule notes in a small golden notebook.

*As it settles on the floor, a grey cat emerges from its folds and starts to lick a meditative paw.

[ 08. January 2004, 02:18: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
[Marvin stands, and passes through his fellow audience members with the skilled subtlety and unobtrusiveness of a ballet-dancing rhino.

Five minutes later, the process is repeated in reverse.

Another six pack is located, along with a sandwich the size of a small moon.]

So, when's the show start?

[ 08. January 2004, 02:21: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Ann (# 94) on :
 
[Rubbing her crushed toes, Ann looks around for an empty seat in another row. Unfortunately for her, but fortunately for the sponsors, the place is packed.

Looking away from the lou...gentleman with the hearty appetite and towards the aisle, Ann is horrified to see the only visible sign to the exit that she is sure her neighbour will be needing soon.

It might be an idea to get everyone to move up the next time that seat near her is vacated.i]

[ 08. January 2004, 02:23: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
(Ariel Critic-san)

quote:

---

GK approaches Chef Erin, bows low, and presents her with a box of Godiva chocolates and a single, perfect chrysanthemum, floating in a blue crystal bowl.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Firenze:
Firenze slides off the velvet opera cape...

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Presleyterian:
Seeing as how my Webster's defines a "pump" as "a shoe that is not fastened on and that grips the foot chiefly at the toe and heel," wouldn't those be more accurately described as Mary Janes?

Not that there's any reason why Mr. Nomine should know that.

---

I'm actually more boggled that Presleytarian *doesn't*.

although if she thinks those toes _blunt_ ...

USA! USA! USA!

Charlotte

[ 08. January 2004, 02:27: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Amazing Grace (# 4754) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Rasies glass to Belisaga's pronouncement, then wonders how glass got there.

I am waiting for the Velveeta myself, Ariel. There is not enough attention given to processed cheese food, in my book; why settle for one cheese when you can have Colby, Swiss and Chedder blended all togedder?


The big question I am sure is on everyone's mind is condiments; will there be an emphasis on HP sauce or catsup, or will they allow for cultural differences in the chips sauce arena?


Note to Amazing Grace: I am game, but you are gonna have to be a little more specific about what I am to do with the rose. PM if you wish,

---

Work it, girlfriend. That's all I have to say.

slugs a shot down since you said "catsup"

Charlotte (enjoying this audience thing)

[ 08. January 2004, 02:28: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
[Lyda, in a sudden rash of bleery comradery, starts pouring again and hands around most of the rest of her little plastic cups. The nice Swede gives her a funny smile.

She settles back, hugging her bottle like a stuffed animal. Pretty, pretty colors. Tea.]

Catsup...

[ 08. January 2004, 02:29: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
[Out of Character (OOC): Sorry for the delay, Cast Iron Chef English Heritage has just returned from a few days of computer failure, and Cast Iron Chef Professional is on hols for the next couple of days; never fear we won't miss out on her description as our next challenger has chosen her category!]
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
well, since there is a lull, and since I got a request...

(places rose between teeth and begins the paso doble)

[Note to Coot, just slap me out of the way when needed.]

[ 07. January 2004, 17:35: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 

---

Posted by Siegfried (# 29) on :
 
(Floor Reporter Siegfried)

Floor Reporter Siegfried paces around backstage, practicing his fast talking and inane questioning techniques.

[ 08. January 2004, 02:31: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 


(anyone ever read "the Chocolate War"?)

Once again, I find my thoughts turning to catsup. Much malinged is that lovely sauce, catsup.I think few people realise what a dreary world it would be without catsup, why many is the time in my idle youth I relished a pile of tater tots with catsup or a bologna and catsup sandwich.Nowadays you have green catsup, spicey catsup, and extra thick catsup, to add to your standard tomato catsup.Just the word makes you dream all day. Catsup. Catsup. Catsup, catsup,catsup.

Sigh.

What's all the commotion out there?


[eta: catsup.]

[ 07. January 2004, 18:39: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 

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Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
(Cast Iron Chef English Heritage)

Picture the cavernous kitchens of Gormenghast. Picture the dark passages leading from the slaughterhouses wafting the metallic tang of fresh blood, the yeasty bakeries and almond-scented confectioneries, the broad, shallow stairs leading down to the dairy, and the narrow, break-neck stairway to the buttery and wine vaults. Who comes here? Is it Abiatha Swelter, chief chef of Gormenghast? Huge, soft, greasy, drunken Swelter? Violent, witty Swelter? Swelter of the lisp, of the adoring apprentices? No, but it is one of those apprentices, a jumped-up apprentice, toqued and grinning, red-faced and lankhaired. It is the Cast-Iron Chef, English Heritage, breathing fire and juniper, and as she dashes in, the pit orchestra swings into Elgar's 'Cockaigne Overture'.

[ 08. January 2004, 02:32: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Light (# 4693) on :
 
Ooooh, catsup, catsup, catsup!
[Downing the last drop of Lyda's tequila in sight, I begin to sing a well-known Swedish drinking-song while directing the audience around me:]

Helan går, sjung hopfallerallanlallanlej...


[grammar,grammar...]

[ 08. January 2004, 02:34: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Amazing Grace (# 4754) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Light:
Ooooh, catsup, catsup, catsup!
[Downing the last drop of Lyda's tequila in sight, I begin to sing a well-known Swedish drinking-song while directing the audience around me

Helan går, sjung hopfallerallanlallanlej...]

---

*snorf*

There is another rule, that if one of the cast learns of our little triggers and exploits them deliberately, it's Off The List.

You just wanted to bogart the tequila.

But now that Iron Chef English Heritage is here we should probably start on the you-know-what.

Charlotte

[ 08. January 2004, 02:33: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

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Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
[OOC, STYLE NOTE: I have editted the posts to date with small format changes. Audience, please use [] to indicate your actions and leave i and b for the Players - the idea being that the audience participation is background chatter secondary to the advancement of the game show by the players and transparent to the flow of the game. Players bolding your name in brackets at the beginning of In Character posts will also assist.]
 

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Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
{Small side door from the alley is kicked open... no disturbance, though, as the audience is already sloshed and the busy Chefs concentrating...

Janine wrestles some boxed specialty meats on a creaky dolly into a backstage holding area, trailing billowing wisps of dry ice fog.

Barely visible in the subdued lighting are three things:
vivid dark red hair escaping as her ball cap falls off,
glowing flashes of ultra-fair skin as she passes an emergency light in her skimpy short uniform,
and the bold print on one of the boxes: 'Carne Cocodrie Brand', it says, '100% Louisiana Alligator Tail'.

"Damned dry ice," she growls, sucking a burned knuckle. She kicks the dolly, and grins satisfied at the ringing tone produced by her steel-toed boots.

Still doesn't disturb the audience - they're already disturbed, garbled shouting about a rose shorting out in someone's underwear -- ? Janine shakes her head and assumes she misunderstood.

She checks the invoice with the long black flashlight she carries on her belt.

<rattling growl> "Fresh 'gator, check; and next the tequila... 5 cases?!? Sheesh..."

She tightens her weight belt, flexes her knees and shifts the heavy boxed meats into a neat pile just offstage. Followed by the squeaky hand truck, she exits through the little alley door, kicking it closed.}
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I am waiting in breathless anticipation to see what you-know-what is, Grace.
 

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Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
:SNORT:

[Lyda's empty bottle drops to the floor with a clank and she wakes with a start. It doesn't break, thank God. She looks around squinting, not quite sure where she is for the moment. Her ankles reassuringly brace against the large, heavy purse. She surreptitiously pulls a lost chip from her cleavage and pops it in her mouth.

Nothing much is happening. Light is looking rather sadly at her empty plastic cup. Mmmm. That guy in the black kimono looks like he's pouring something interesting; he's too far off and Lyda's too wobbly. Some people are talking about pumps and cast off clothing. Is she at a taping of The Isaac Mizrahi Show? No it was that food thing- ya know Iron Something or Other.

It's so warm and dim... ]
 

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Posted by Amazing Grace (# 4754) on :
 
[With nothing happening on the stage after the entrance of Iron Chef English Heritage, it becomes quiet in the audience as the drinking-game players 1) doze off 2) exit in search of the loos or 3) are removed by security for being too rowdy. Charlotte, after visiting the Ladies, starts dozing in her chair.]
 

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Posted by Lesley W (# 4445) on :
 
[Awoken from a gentle doze by the smell of second-hand beeriness from the row in front, Lesley is just in time to see a woman who is dressed to kill (including an axe) on stage doing an impassioned version of the paso doble. A small grey cat is circling another stunningly-dressed woman, arching its back and rubbing against the chair on which she is seated. There are a number of other people on stage, all exceptionally dressed in one way or another. However, apart from the remains of an avocado held by a man wearing golden robes, and a slight whiff of jasmine tea, there is neither sight nor smell of food. She decides that The Good Food Show really has gone too far down the artistic/creative path this time, and wonders to herself when this performance will be over, and Michel Roux's will start. Nods off again.]
 

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Posted by Timothy (# 292) on :
 
[Timothy sips his sake. The level of fluid in the bottle is getting distressingly low. He drains the cup and closes his eyes to meditate...at least he hopes that's what it looks like...]
 

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Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
(Cast Iron Chef English Heritage)
What? Are you sleepy my little sea of faces? Are you drowsy, my little pullets? Open wide! and with that C-I-C English Heritage produces--none can see whence or how--a tray, smelling faintly of vinegar, faintly of bessy's naughty bits, and a long pair of tongs, and begins to press morsels of tripe on all who are reckless or careless enough to open their gobs.
 

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Posted by Marvin the Martian (# 4360) on :
 
[Gob firmly shut as C-I-C English Heritage goes past]
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Flushed and glowing, Kelly finally executes a triple leap with a camel and bows to thunderous applause.She drops into her seat, exhausted and breathless


Pant..pant...... Well, I hope that paid for my wine.Kishi, dear, might I have some tea?

(Gulping tea. Notices floor manager giving "stretch" symbol)

So far I have been impressed with the spirited entrances the contestants have made, from the pastoral to the patriotic to the ..er..Gormenghastly.

(Fit of giggles)Ain't I a hoot?



I am sure this reflects the energy and creativity that will go into their creations, and I for one am growing very excited to try them! What say you, fellow critics?
 

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Posted by Kishi (# 4534) on :
 
(Kishi)

Eh. What? Sorry, my dear: drifted off for a bit. The pre-show prep work seems unusually long today. Ah, well, one thing I've learned in my years at this job is that television is often "hurry up and wait."
 

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Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san)

Panel, Cast Iron Chef American responds in the traditional way and chooses to remain silent while looking intimidating*.


.

[* See photo.]
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
In which case...

With the lightest, briefest caress, Chairman Belisaga lays a thumb and forefinger on the satin sheet covering the Mystery Ingredient. Nostrils flaring and lips moistened in anticipation, the mighty epicure proclaims:

I reveal the Mystery Ingredient--

Sliced Wonder™ White Bread!
 

---

Posted by golden key (# 1468) on :
 
GK, Am. Challenger

(Wonders how Chef Erin can move in that outfit, let alone prepare food.

After kneeling for days, slowly rises and beckons to house-elves to do the same. Together, they do T'ai Chi, then settle into Lotus position.)
 

---

Posted by Duo Seraphim (# 3251) on :
 
Duo Seraphim critic-san
Ah, the other half of a Vegemite sandwich. Takes another swig of champagne
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
[Cook-off will last til 13th Jan, 0320 ship time or until each chef indicates they've completed their menu]
 

---

Posted by golden key (# 1468) on :
 
GK, Am. Challenger

GK and her staff rise, bow to the chairman, critics, contestants, and the audience. They retire to their kitchen area.

A shimmering pavilion is erected over the kitchen. GK, a glint in her eye, gathers on floor cushions with her team for spiced cocoa and a whispered discussion.

"...yes...hardware store...and that funky art supply place in the Haight...and the Farmers' Market...and...What? No, I don't know if they carry alligator traps. Around here...well, I suppose you could ask, but I really don't think we'll need...Ah, the health and safety clause in your contract? Well, check down on the wharves--someone may have an idea...And NO, you can't put the Dementors on speed dial. (Sigh) We are going to play fair. Now, get some sleep!"


 

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Posted by Lesley W (# 4445) on :
 
[Waking to see the gentleman in golden robes remove a cover from what appears to be a sliced white loaf, Lesley decides she is definitely in the wrong Food Theatre, gets up and stumbles out of the auditorium, crushing empty beer cans and crisp packets en route.] No-one makes comment. Most seem to be sleeping.

[ 10. January 2004, 09:12: Message edited by: Lesley W ]
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Ariel Critic-san

Sliced Wonder White Bread?

Sliced Wonder White Bread?

A truly masterly touch. There is an ocean of meaning in so simple a presentation of what is traditionally considered so humble a foodstuff. Great things may yet come from this. Perhaps ... the amazing contrast of shapes of simple, elliptical beans in that so familiar yet still welcome particular shade of muted coral, poured from a height of no less than four inches (no more than six for that perfect pouring experience), onto a rectangular slice of impeccably warmed bread, crisp with autumn colours of gold and orange and brown on the outside, yet still spongy on the inside, to form that marvellous, uniquely forgettable dish savoured in so many homes in the land - beans on toast?

Such bread is a platform, a blank canvas, whereupon the culinary artist may paint a picture of surprising originality. Enlightenment may yet be attained, and a swift entry into the next world assured by something that is cooked here tonight.
 

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Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
Coot-san

I am not sure, Ariel Critic-san. I think one of the chefs at least may try to steam that.
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Ariel Critic-san

How depressingly predictable.
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Belisarius:
I reveal the Mystery Ingredient--

Sliced Wonder™ White Bread!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
A peanut butter, banana, and mayonnaise sandwich would be hard to beat.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
I am waiting in breathless anticipation to see what you-know-what is, Grace.

---

[continuing this OOC tangent]

Heh. Not only would that be one of the cheap questions on a potential Ship of Fools Jeapordy board, it reminds me of a round that gets played a lot on one of my favorite radio programs "Says You". (KQED-FM at 4 pm Sundays for Bay Areans. For those of you who are familiar with the Beeb's "My Word", it's similar - witty people playing language games.) In it, items in a series (e.g. actors in a movie) get named one by one, and the quicker the movie (or whatever) itself is guessed, the more points are awarded.

Sooooooo...

First hint: Very "English Heritage"
Second hint: Juniper-scented
Third hint: Often packaged in blue bottles
Fourth hint: Banned word on H&A "Day"
Fifth hint: Has its own thread in MW



Charlotte
 

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Posted by Erin (# 2) on :
 
(Iron Chef American)

Dashes up the stairs to retrieve seventeen loaves of Wonder bread. Returns and begins taking inventory of Hormel products.
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
Coot-san

Duo Seraphim Critic-san, do you think C. Iron Chef American will be offering her usual menu of 6 dishes?
 

---

Posted by Duo Seraphim (# 3251) on :
 
Duo Seraphim critic-san

There's a lot of cooking in seventeen loaves of Wonder White, Coot-san. Breadcrumbs, sippets, toast...<mmmm, toast>

I'm hoping someone will come up with a twist on summer pudding.

Ah, no-one's commented on my beautiful butterfly Rinzu furisode, with an obi of fresh green pine trees and waves secured with a red obi-jime.
 

---

Posted by golden key (# 1468) on :
 
GK, Am. Challenger

(House elves enter the pavilion, bearing bulging shopping bags. Another team of elves leaves, heading out to the tour bus in the parking lot to get some sleep.

A delivery woman appears. She drives a forklift weighed down with a gross of Wonder Bread. She slides the delivery into the pavilion, gets a signature, and drives away.

Deep in the pavilion, sleeping on a floor mattress, Chef GK dreams of loaves of Wonder Bread chasing a frightened alligator.

She smiles.)
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I am surprised that no-one has mentioned the possibility of Fluffernutter* sandwiches in this cook-off.

Ariel, I agree that American pain de mie offers a shoot, she took all the good metaphoresa... glorious port of embarkment for the ship of culinery pleasure. Do you think that cookie cutters will be involved?

Does any one smell chili? Hmm.


[Sorry, got a bit of a cold, Will post something more impressive tomorrow]
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san)

A gross! What's that in the new units, Ms Firenze? 12 dozen, let's see, 144! No fewer than 144 loaves of Wonder Bread! Any ideas on what she will do with them? Psychological ploy? Unusual presentation form? The challenger looks confident.
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Ariel Critic-san

Coot-san, I agree the challenger looks remarkably confident, and expect that even now is dreaming of the wonderful edible sculpture she will make from 144 loaves of wonderbread, most probably a lifesize statue of the Goddess Flora in pure white (with the crusts cut off). No doubt the statue will wear a plaited wreath of garlic bulbs around her head, and carry a large basket made from woven crusts which holds such seasonal offerings as black olives, mozzarella, anchovies, tomatoes, mushrooms, ham and pineapple. Quite likely the statue will be presented on an oily rectangular butter-coloured plinth with her name, "Flora", artistically engraved on it. I expect no less from Golden Key.

Kelly-san, cookie cutters sound like a definite maybe to me.
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Hmm. I am not so sure that American Chef does not have an advantage with this media; Challenger might be afflicted by Sourdough prejudice.

And then there is English Chef.. do they sell Wonder at Sainsbury's?

Note: Real question. Just curious.


I am excited at the possibiltiies that a "Gross" of bread delivers. Why, with that much white bread, all avenues of preperation can be explored and combined in new and exciting ways.Perhaps one plate can be comprised of toasted,grilled, pin-rolled...er, steamed versions of white bread.

P.s. Forgot to explain Fluffernutter--Marshmallow fluff and peanut butter on white bread.

(Frowns upon seeing that American chef has managed more cleavage than herself. Surreptitiously adjusts front of gown.)
 

---

Posted by golden key (# 1468) on :
 
GK, Am. Challenger

Three house elves slip quietly out the back way, on an Important Mission.

Deep in the pavilion, Chef GK rises, dresses, and does T'ai Chi. Finished, she smiles--she is ready for battle.

2 house elves head toward Chef Erin's kitchen, with great trepidation. They bear a sterling silver tray with a box of monastic fudge, and a Mason jar full of daisies.

A carefully-calligraphed card is attached to the jar with a gingham ribbon. "May the best chef win", it states, followed by a .

The elves silently leave the tray at the edge of Chef Erin's kitchen, and race back to the pavilion.
 

---

Posted by Siegfried (# 29) on :
 
Siegfried, Floor Reporter
Coot-san...

When asked what she felt her chances were against Iron Chef American, Challenger GK said that she'd give her heck. Perhaps that is what is in the fudge box on the silver tray?

Siegfried

[ 11. January 2004, 18:42: Message edited by: Siegfried ]
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
Ptooowiii!

[Lyda spits out a wad of chewy, slimy white stuff she found herself mindlessless chewing as she awoke.]

"Hey! I know those bags! That's Wonder Bread! Lots and lots and lots of Wonder Bread! That reminds me, I think I have some Jiff in here and saltines... somewhere and a bottle of Jolt™ cola. Anyone got some rum?

"Didja know a loaf of Wonder Bread can compress down to one square inch? True. It's like an octopus."
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Siegfried, considering Challenger's hippie leanings, it might be wise to take a good look at that fudge.
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Firenze Critic-san

After detailed research in Hildegard of Bingen's Causae et curae, Aristotle's De generatione et corruptione and the Reader's Digest Big Book of Baking, I can only conclude that the 144 loaves indicate what is in preparation is Elect Seal Sandwich.

The recipe is obscure, but involves a great deal of washing. Controversy has raged over the centuries as to whether the filling/topping must be seal, or whether another marine mammal can be substituted. Those of us familiar with the ferment of 16th C Germany will remember the so-called 'Jonah' burghers of Leipzig - a schismatic sect of the Banana-baptists.

I look forward to sampling what is obviously a rare delicacy, and trust the defenestrations can be kept to a minimum.

[ 12. January 2004, 07:59: Message edited by: Firenze ]
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san)

Wise words from our panel! And we are looking forward to the appraisal of our seasoned critic Kishi, whose... honesty is well known.

Perhaps we can go across to Floor Reporter Siegfried who will give us some close ups of loaf-unwrapping action?

But both chefs are certainly keeping things close to their chests tonight - neither has written a menu; so stay with us for the intriguing unfolding -

Battle Bread!
 

---

Posted by Kishi (# 4534) on :
 
(Kishi)

As you know, Wonder Bread, and, indeed baked goods of any kind made from wheat flour are not familiar foods for most Japanese. Nevertheless, this bread is widely available though sold in slices which are about twice as thick as their Western counterparts.

I shall not speculate on the recipes, but I should note that it shall be important to highlight the two key features of this bread: its compressability (as has already been noticed) of the raw bread and its delicious, subtle aroma. This ingredient is tricky because, like most staples which have been used on this show as a feature ingredient (like, say, the Tofu Battle), it will be difficult not to have the other chosen elements dominate the flavor of the bread.

I look forward to witnessing the creativity of the chefs under these constraints.
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
Seals?

[Damn furriners, thinks Lyda. She nudges the woman in the linx, stroller-length coat to her left.]

Can you believe it? These folks will eat anything.
 

---

Posted by Light (# 4693) on :
 
[Somewhat miffed over the lack of scantily clad male chefs, although silently applauding Iron Chef American's efforts for the female side, Light focusses her attention on the Challenger.]

That Challenger seems to have some kind of flower theme going... fits well with the white bread. Flower / Flour, get it?

[Pokes Lyda in the back while giggling hysterically. When she sees Lyda's nonplussed reaction, Light sobers up and rummages in her scuffed rucksack. An unlabeled bottle containing a clear liquid is produced.]

This should go nicely with the Jolt! But then what doesn't?
 

---

Posted by Siegfried (# 29) on :
 
Floor Reporter Siegfried

Coot-san...

Iron Chef American scoffed at the Challengers assertion of victory. She feels that Wonder Bread will not pose any challenge for her whatsoever, although she is concerned that contact with it may burn the skin of "[that] hemp-wearing California hippie".

At this point, there doesn't appear to be any unwrapping going on. Let me check on Iron Chef English and her Challenger.

Sieg
 

---

Posted by Siegfried (# 29) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Siegfried, considering Challenger's hippie leanings, it might be wise to take a good look at that fudge.

---

Floor Reporter Siegfried

closeup of silver tray with a plate of fudge on it

Coot-san...
It does appear that it is indeed fudge on the silver tray.

Sieg
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
[Lyda sniffs Light's clear liquid, reels from the fumes, but since it didn't make her pass out, hands Light two cups of Jolt for doctoring.]

"Uh, yeah, flower/flour. Good one. Yeah. Cheers!" [sips] "Whoa, mama! What is this stuff? Please don't say lighter fluid."

[silence]

"Get it? Lighter fluid?"
 

---

Posted by Duo Seraphim (# 3251) on :
 
Duo Seraphim critic-san
My refined nostrils detect Acquavit - you know, the stuff they send around the world in the hold of a tramp steamer to ...er, mature. Probably could be used for lighter fluid though.

Coot-san, my fellow critics have commented on the compressibility and whiteness of Wonder White. I wish to pay tribute to its ubiquity. There is no country in the world so remote that an oh so ineffably soft white bread cannot be found there. I have seen it on palm-fringed Pacific islands, in the lush jungles of Sri Lanka, in the fastness of the wildest veldt of Africa and - whisper it softly - in France, where they have real bread.

We should all admire the wisdom of Chairman Belisaga-san in choosing such a truly international ingredient.
 

---

Posted by Cranmer's baggage (# 4937) on :
 
In the lull in proceedings, the audience gets the opportunity to take a better look at Cast Iron Chef Professional. Dressed in a discreet but elegant tapered skirt & matching tailored jacket, her blouse drapes just a little suggestively. She stands poised on elegantly high heels, and occassionally sweeps a manicured hand through her low-maintenance bob. Cradled in her left hand is her tiny but elegant and powerful cellphone with internet capability. She watches her colleague, Cast Iron Chef American, with an approving but vaguely abstracted air, as if her mind was on other things. Is she thinking of the next business opportunity, or reflecting on the glossy mag she read at the hairdressers, and wondering how she can adapt the recipes?
 

---

Posted by Erin (# 2) on :
 
(Iron Chef American)

Crunchy? CRUNCHY?!? I said CREAMY you dumbass!

begins beating sous chef with jar of peanut butter
 

---

Posted by golden key (# 1468) on :
 
GK, Amer. Challenger

House elves urgently approach GK. Some are frightened, and some livid. They heard that Chef Erin beat her chef. GK assures them that she herself will never beat them; they are a team.

GK suggests quiet commiseration and cocoa with the wounded chef, and enlightening the poor dear on the joys of unionization.

The elves take it upon themselves to call the Labor Dept., OSHA, the ACLU, and the newspapers.

They also purchase alligator traps.
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san)

Thankyou Critics and Floor Reporter Siegfried-san - oh! and Iron Chef American appears to be barking something at the sous chef! Now she is hitting him! We may have to cross back to Floor Reporter Siegfried for a slow motion replay on that Crunchy Peanut Paste Jar action!


[PS. Game note: Iron Chef English Heritage and Challenger ( yes, we have one!) will be having there very own cook-off; as will Iron Chef Professional and Challenger (who we still have need of)]
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
[Lyda nods judiciously at Iron Chef Am. and belches gently.}

"I know what she means. I like crunchy myself right out of the jar while I'm watching COPS! and America's Most Wanted but when I want to spoon it into a recipe like peanutbutter popcorn, creamy works better.

"Ha! Give that freak hell, Gator Girl! Our girl's got a frickin' hour to whip that challenger's candy ass and her sous chef can't even read a shopping list?! I mean damn! Go on and break his head; it's not as if he's using it."
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Kelly sets down wineglass and rubs eyes. Little people scurrying about stage.)

I can't tell you how fascinating it is to here the predictions from my fellow..uh, critics...

(Star-Spangled Hussy begins beating surf.Little people cringe and continue to scurry about. Little people carrying little boxes. Kelly's mouth goes dry.She swallows.)

As I was saying, I hope the imagination of the contestants matches that of our illustrious critics, who..uh, does anyone..else see?...

Harrumph. In any case, it has reached my ears that American Hu--Chef has had a snag in her plans. Will she have time to get new ingredients or will she have to make do with OH MY GOD!!!!

On route to stage, little man brushes Kelly's leg. Hops up on stage and confers with GK, nods and scurries off to accomplish new task

Ok, not funny anymore, WHAT in HELL was THAT?
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Firenze Critic-san

Firenze glances up from perusing a copy of the Unexpurgated Mrs Beeton, bound in sealskin.

Hmm. Interesting. Perhaps a live ingredient? Greymalkin!

The grey cat emerges from behind her chair, looking guilty - but in a nonchalant, catly sort of way.

Are they good to hunt, my little Hecat?

The cat watches the scurrying figures for a while, then, crouching down, begins to ripple in their direction
 

---

Posted by golden key (# 1468) on :
 
GK, Amer. Challenger

A female house elf approaches Kelly, and hands her a brochure.

"House Elf Collective Kitchen"

"Liberated from hundreds of years of oppression, we are supporting ourselves by using our traditional cooking methods and skills. A portion of our profits goes to help liberate our sister and brother house elves."

Meanwhile, an adolescent girl in black robes approaches the cat, and waves a wand at it. "Don't even think about it, feline! I didn't liberate these elves just so you could eat them!"

 

---

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
{Kicking open the sticky little backstage door again, Janine rolls in several cases of liquor on her squeaky dolly.

By now she's tied her wandering hat into her belt and has rolled up her sleves- all flashing white arms and legs and flying ruby hair in the semi-lit, blacklighted backstage area.

She deftly sidesteps what looks lilke a puddle of blood around a broken peanut butter jar and dumps the booze near other supplies...

And she checks the bill of lading -- and she notices yet another crate in the back of the truck belongs here.

Back to the alley, dragging the creaky squeaky dolly...}
 

---

Posted by Light (# 4693) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon:

"Get it? Lighter fluid?"

---

"Ah! Indeed. Very funny..."
[downs entire cup in an effort to hide irritation]
"Cough! Brrrr!" [Eyes glaze over, then suddenly light up in a hellish way]
"However, I think heavier fluid would be a more appropriate term."
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
[Oop! We seem to have gone over time!]

(Coot-san)
Panel we have only 10 minutes remaining! Has the Iron Chef abandoned the dish with the peanut butter? What has Challenger prepared to lay before us? Will the Icecream Maker get used in the dying stages of this battle?

These next 10 minutes will be decisive. It's all quite a huddle down there - they are really taking us down to the wire! Then it will be the great pleasure of our Critics to sample the Challenger's then the Iron Chef's dishes and give their comments.

.

[Game note: I'll note the end of the 60 minutes with a post at 4pm GMT]
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san)

And now the 60 minute during which our Iron Chef American and her Challenger, Golden Key prepared delicacies showcasing the mystery ingredient: Wonder Bread have come to an end!

We await the Chefs laying out their tasty morsels before the critics - first the Challenger then Iron Chef American! And let me say, our Critics are chomping at the bit to tear into these dishes and to announce the victor of Battle Bread!
 

---

Posted by golden key (# 1468) on :
 
GK, Amer. Challenger

All HECK house elves return to the pavilion. Hermione glares at the creeping cat, then joins the elves. A mass shout is heard: "Give 'em HECK!"

The doorway to the pavilion opens.
 

---

Posted by golden key (# 1468) on :
 
GK, Amer. Challenger

Chef GK steps out from the pavilion. She wears a purple satin chef's outfit. Around her neck is a stunning lotus pendant, made of bread clay.

She approaches the Chairman and his panel of critics, bows low, takes a deep breath, smiles, and begins to speak.

Gracious Chairman, critics, chefs, and guests!

American cuisine is as diverse as the American people. It is often humble in origin and presentation, but wonderful in flavor.

Wonder bread is an amazing example of this. It has a deceptively humble demeanor, yet can be utilized by a snack-hungry child or a gourmet chef. It is light and fluffy, can be eaten plain or smothered in flavorful goodness. It even "builds strong bodies 12 ways".

It lends itself to use in any meal, in any circumstance, at any time of day.

To demonstrate this, my team and I have prepared an array of dishes to demonstrate its versatility.

We begin with...BREAKFAST!

House elves present trays, first to the chairman, then to the panel.

Each tray holds simple yellow ceramic ware. Each plate holds

• French toast, flavored with cinnamon, nutmeg, and hints of ginger and vanilla
• Painted bread, displaying an intricate map of the US--and yes folks, it's edible!

• Grilled Tillamook sharp cheddar cheese sandwich, sauteed in olive oil, minced basil, and pressed garlic
• Creamy, farm-fresh tomato soup with crisp Wonder bread croutons
• Finger-size strips of carrots and celery
• Washington apple juice, chilled

quote:

---

Originally posted by golden key:

• Grilled Tillamook sharp cheddar cheese sandwich, sauteed in olive oil, minced basil, and pressed garlic
• Creamy, farm-fresh tomato soup with crisp Wonder bread croutons
• Finger-size strips of carrots and celery
• Washington apple juice, chilled

The lunch is served on floral Corningware dishes, placed on folding wooden lap trays. This is accompanied by stainless steel utensils, a blue cloth napkin with wodden animal napkin ring, and a thick, riveting novel.

---

• Turkey with Southwest Stuffing, combining Wonder and corn bread
• Baby California Greens with Garlic Vinaigrette, served in a fluted, toasted, edible Wonder bread bowl
• Old-Fashioned Chocolate Bread Pudding, with Raspberry Puree

quote:

---

Originally posted by golden key:
GK, Amer. Challenger

Chef GK notices many in audience have slipped into an alcoholic stupor. Further, the chairman and panel seem to have slipped into a stasis mode. She suspects magic. Drastic measures are called for.

She motions to an elf, who brings her a metal triangle and striker. She delicately strikes the triangle.

No response.

She strikes again, more fervently.

No change in the audience.

She strikes again, and shouts:

"DINNER!"

All present slowly rustle to attention.

---

*grumbles in audience*

Hey, I was already paying attention. If that had been sourdough with that Tillamook cheese sandwich I might have done something rash trying to get at it.

Charlotte
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Well, and impressive display from American Challenger. Grilled cheese and tomato soup, what a classic piece of Americana. The croutons are a nice touch--once again showing the true versitality of Wonder.
And the turkey dinner--what a triumph! ( I have actually entertained with those edible bread bowls myself, they are fun, aren't they?)

Elves: Apples in the summertime, peaches in the fall
If I can't have the boy I love, won't have none at all.

As to the breakfast, I must say, Kishi, that I do miss some sort of syrup--butter pecan, if not maple--and the painted toast, is pretty much , er, painted dry toast.
But the bread pudding is truly the piece de resistance...that rich, creamy color.. that smooth, sensuous texture.. the tart berries offsetting the sweetness of the chocolate.. I could just plunge my hands in it and work it like Demi Moore going at an unfired vase. My tastebuds will forever retain that flavour...

Shady Grove, my true love, Shady grove I say
Shady Grove , my true love, I'm bound for Shady Grove..

(Kelly's eyes glaze over)

The singing... The singing... I...I must follow...

Kelly gets up.
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
"Ya got any bread left to make turkey sandwiches with? Oooo! And give me some of that bread pudding stuff. I told Aunt Evelyn I'd bring her back any pudding they passed around. She has a bet with herself that none of these high-falooting chefs can touch her mama's blue ribbon tapioca pudding. Here, young man, spoon it in this Ziplock™ container- that's right. Thanks.

"I'll have some of that zinfandel, too." [a long swig] "Ewww, what's wrong with this wine? It's so thin. What?

"What the hell is the point of non-alcoholic wine for God's sake?

"And where is she going now with that axe?"

[ 14. January 2004, 06:07: Message edited by: Lyda Rose of Sharon ]
 

---

Posted by golden key (# 1468) on :
 
GK, Am. Challenger

There is silence.

It is broken by a great rumbling.

House elves push 10 heavily laden carts onto the stage. 4 of them lay down a huge rectangle of fireproof material.

Another group of elves quickly builds a simple brick hearth. Yet another group puts in tinder, kindling, and wood.

6 elves stand around the perimeter of the hearth with fire extinquishers, buckets of water and of sand, boxes of baking soda, and a first aid kit.

An elf in a suit, carrying an attache case, presents copies of the requisite fire and safety permits to the chairman, panel, stage crew, and a fire marshal who is watching from the sidelines.

In the pavilion, GK stands meditatively on her head. Almost done. Ahead, a spa weekend for herself, and an estate in the country for the elves.

And chocolate.

She smiles, turns right-side up, and pulls a box of fireplace matches from a shopping bag.

She is ready.
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
"Barbecued Wonder Bread? Maybe. I always use KC Masterpiece sauce on my ribs at home. But it seems like bread would either turn soggy with sauce or black & extra crispy. I dunno. Maybe if you roll it around hotdogs and pin it with toothpicks like big ol' cocktail wieners ..."
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Firenze Critic-san

Firenze puts down the thick riveting novel. It's not often, she thinks, you get a novel about welding.

She notes, with a sigh, a slight dab of Vinaigrette on the finger of one black satin glove. She peels them off to reveal black lace ones underneath.

Applying heat to food to make it more palatable is truly what distinguishes from the beasts. It must follow that the greater the degree of removal from its origin, the more truly human a food must be. Wonderbread therefore by itself almost approaches the summit of civilisation. The association with raw fruit and vegetable may either be a culinary faux pas, or a charming effort at an imitation pastoralism a la Marie Antoinette (herself a notable fan of the brioche).

I therefore pronounced the painted bread as the logically pre-eminent dish of those presented.
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Ariel

Well, the first candidate has certainly made an interesting start, not least of all with a quite shameless attempt to appeal to my better nature with a case of non-alcoholic wine. Regrettably after so many years of being a food critic, I am naturally somewhat more particular and demanding than that, and will be pleased to supply future contestants with a list of things that might be acceptable, after the show. I reserve the right to be arbitrary and capricious, though; the style of presentation is equally as important as any prospective gift, and having a crate dumped noisily on my doorstep by giggling house elves at 2 am who then ring my doorbell and run away is not a complete guarantee of cast iron success. Let us await the piece de resistance.
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
Coot-san

(Aside)
Challenger has certainly pulled out all the stops, that's 6 dishes so far! But I am wondering... will she be marked down for those dishes that distance themselves from the Style with too much sophistication? Our judges have been complementary thus far.
 

---

Posted by Light (# 4693) on :
 
"Mmmmmmmmm.... what a wonderful taste that cheese had... American cheddar really is special. And what a show! Elves and painted food and magic and ... Whatever will Iron Chef American be able to counter this with?"

[Notices Kelly moving on the stage. Leans forward and whispers to Lyda:]

"Hey! Ready some of that Jolt, there will be clothes dropping soon if I am not much mistaken. No, really, we can't drink this straight!"
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
"I'm there with you, Light. Anything to get the taste of that so-called zin out of my mouth. Yeah, this Jolt is turning out great with your...well, whatever this volatile liquid is . You can get a nice buzz but stay alert. Perfecto!

Those little singing munchkins are starting to give me the creeps and I think you are right about Kel-san. She's about to join the fairies. I wonder if one of those shifty, little bastards dropped acid in her wine. Oh, God. I hope it wasn't the zin."
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 

quote:

---

Firenze Critic-san

Firenze puts down the thick riveting novel. It's not often, she thinks, you get a novel about welding.

She notes, with a sigh, a slight dab of Vinaigrette on the finger of one black satin glove. She peels them off to reveal black lace ones underneath.

---

 

---

Posted by Kishi (# 4534) on :
 
(Kishi)

The roast turkey is moist and savory. Roasts are seldom served on Cast Iron Chef since the cooking times required generally far exceed the one hour available. I am agog that the Challenger could achieve this dish in the time allotted. It's almost like magic...

Of course, it is the stuffing that contains this week's theme, and here the Challenge shines. The pone's sweetness and the Wonder Bread's ability to sop up the juices of the turkey make this a delightful confection. I also like the surprising spicyness of the dish and the crunch of the pecans. And, if I'm not mistaken, she has minced in a bit of that southwestern delicacy prairie oysters in addition to the listed ingredients. Well done!

The salad served at the end of the main course provides a good contrast and balance, particularly against the hotness of the stuffing. Here, at last we see the plasticity of the bread being used to an advantage.

The bread prudding is light and well excuted, though the use of the raspberry sauce seems to be a bit prosiac to me. Still, the Challenger has presented several classic American dishes with some inventiveness and an emphasis on fresh fruits and vegetables. Clearly, her background in Californian Cuisine is speaking through this presentation.

I look forward to her finale with some anticipation.
 

---

Posted by golden key (# 1468) on :
 
GK, Amer. Challenger

GK emerges from the pavilion. She has changed her attire, and now sports a t-shirt, sweater, jeans, wool socks, hiking boots, and a sleeveless fiberfill vest.

She approaches the fireplace.

What is more quintessentially American than the outdoor meal? A kids' campout, a backyard picnic, a beach party.

We like our outdoor food simple, hot, and creative--and, in true pioneer spirit, we consider that a little scorching just enhances the flavor. We happily brave the possibilities of insects, cold damp ground, and a little sand mixed in with the potato salad. We're tough.

We're here, we're pioneers, get used to it!

GK lights the tinder in the fireplace. 2 elves patiently fan it into a fire.
 

---

Posted by golden key (# 1468) on :
 
GK, Amer. Challenger

House elves roll in several carts.

The first has food for the actual contest, pre-prepared to abide with the rules.

• Wiener rollups (in which the Wonder bread is pressed into a gooey dough and wrapped around the wiener; then the whole thing is roasted on a stick over an open flame.)
• Strata, a layered, quiche-like bread casserole (Scout recipe)
• SOS, prepared with ground chicken and served over Wonder toast (Scout recipe)
• Corn on the cob, served with soft, buttered and peppered Wonder with which to butter the corn
• Wonder pie iron pies, 1 apple and 1 pumpkin

quote:

---

Originally posted by golden key:
GK, Amer. Challenger

The HECK team passes the meal out to all. They roast the pies in pie irons.

They pass out the pies, along with booklets of fireside songs. The elves lead all assembled in a rowdy chorus of "On Top Of Spaghetti".

The elves begin roasting S'mores for themselves and anyone else who wants some. A few elves begin merrily leaping over the fire.

---

[Charlotte was quite awake now and enjoyed the campfire from a safe distance. She had thought about bribing the elves to get the remainders of the Tillamook cheese for the Toast-Tite (that's another brand name for those things) sandwiches, but Ghirardelli and S'Mores Does Not Suck. She joined heartily in the singing between bites until Chef Erin made her presentation.]

[ 16. January 2004, 01:56: Message edited by: Amazing Grace ]
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Kelly-San

(Returns to critic's corner, brushing crumbs off gown.)

Call me pedestrian, but I think the bologna sandwich is my favorite part of Chef Erin's presentation. What zen simplictiy in the simple Lunchmeat and white bread concoction,and what better complement then Lay's and Oreos.


The crab salad sandwich is sinfully rich,but maybe a tad overproduced, and the Monte Carlo is something to order for a last meal, if you asked me. It's bound to be your last meal one way or another.
 

---

Posted by golden key (# 1468) on :
 
GK, Amer. Challenger



A house elf notices that her new pal, Kelly, still seems somewhat dazed and shivery.

She wraps a soft quilt around Kelly, and gives her a cup of spiced cocoa.
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Kelly smiles gratefully, and takes a big...long.. drink.)
 

---

Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
{Janine wonders why the deliveries seem to be grouped by Chef, rather than into one big order... Perhaps there was some worry about secrecy, each chef wanting the little extras and last-minute delicacies kept close to the vest?

No matter--- No complaints. It was looking as if this Iron Chefs deal would keep her employed a while. And fed! That was a class act, that first Chef--- making sure everyone was fed. And no skimpy flirting-with-the-tastebuds samples, either! That was a meal!

"T'weren't no chocolate pudding... but then I didn't have to lick it off an opponent, either," she commented to herself.

"Aha- new Chef at work. So that is what one does with 'Cheese Food'..."

She unfolds a large, comfortable sling chair in a dark corner backstage, prepared to spend her free time here until the next scheduled delivery. Draping herself into it, she sighs contentedly and watches the current Chef at work.

Gently, rhythmically kicking a shapely white calf and a steel-toed boot, she mutters: "I'd have pan-fried the bologna."}
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Firenze Critic-san

Putting aside for the moment her current reading - 'Toad-in-the-hole and Other Amphibian Recipes' - Firenze places small samples of all the sandwiches before Greymalkin.

The cat laps the milk, eats the crab, licks the bologna for a while, but thinks better of it; and attempts to bat the piece of Monte Cristo under the chair.

While I notice Honourable Cat Assistant has not acutally swelled up and died from consuming the offerings, I am still cautious.

To begin with, they clash with my ensemble. I really do not think it is possible to team bologna sandwich with the output of any of the Milanese ateliers. Despite the Italian element to both. Or possibly because of it.

Nevertheless, points must be conceded for the fact that virtually all ingredients are denatured and artificial in the highest degree - do I detect the strange, unearthy crimson of a GM tomato? Almost certainly.

This is food, Jim, but not as we know it.
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
"Oh, yeah! Bologna sandwiches- classic! If I had a buck for every bologna sandwich I took to school in my little Man from U.N.C.L.E. lunchbox I'd have...lots. If I had that lunchbox, I'd really be in the money. Have you seen what they go for on E-Bay? Time to break out the Southern Comfort. Anyone?"

[Looks around at the trashed audience around her.]

"What a bunch of losers! Go American Cheffy! WoooHooo! "
 

---

Posted by Kishi (# 4534) on :
 
(Kishi)

I am inclined to agree with Kelly here. Certainly, little skill is required to prepare this dish, but, on the other hand, this sandwich more than any dish presented so far highlights the delicious aroma and the unque texture of the bread.

But what is this plastic orange square on the plate?

Oh. We're supposed to eat it?!? Yes, ah, well ... the sandwich was still good.

The Monte Cristo, on the other hand, shows the technical abilities of the Iron Chef. Light, crisp, hot and savory, this dish is quite nice. And the preserves compliment it quite well.

The final sandwhich shows the creativity of the Iron Chef. The chosen spices are really quite exquisite with the crab. Here the toasted bread provides a wonderful textural component to the dish.
 

---

Posted by Light (# 4693) on :
 
I can't believe it, after all those wieners and pies, but the sight of those sandwiches makes me really hungry!

Please, dear Lyda, may I have some of that Southern Comfort to kill the hunger pangs? I'll pass on the Jolt this time though...
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(brushes cheese crumbs from mouth rapidly before other critics spot them.)
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san)

Now we are ready for 'Judgement'! Our critics have been tasting and making their appraisals of the panoply of dishes provided by Chef and Challenger and the scores are being tabulated as we speak!

.

[Game note: Critics, please PM with a mark out of 20 for Chef and Challenger; considering the categories: Style, Taste, Presentation, Feasibility]

[ 18. January 2004, 05:19: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san)

Our results from Battle Bread are in! Challenger is victorious!

code:

---

              Firenze   Kelly   Ariel   Duo Seraphim  Kishi
Challenger       15       14      17        13          19      
Iron Chef        12       16       6        12          17

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Siegfried:
Floor Reporter Siegfried

Siegfried is interviewing the victorious Challenger

Congratuations on your victory. What would you credit for your amazing victory over the Iron Chef?

Sieg

---

GK emerges from the tour bus, smiling. She is followed by a phalanx of house elves. They are all decked out in freshly starched, teal blue cooks' wear.

She motions cryptically to 4 house elves, who run off somewhere behind the bus.

She approaches reporter Siegfried, shakes his hand, and gives him a commuter cup filled with freshly-made spiced cocoa.


Siegfried, there was nothing magic to this win--literally. I've heard the rumors, but no magic was used in the preparation of items for judging.

We won because we are a good team. We worked together, and we worked hard. I guess it just goes to show you that fair treatment gets you farther than beating your assistants!

We're heading on in. You might want to join us. It could be...interesting.

GK and the elves dissolve into giggles, as they fall into formation behind her.
 

---

Posted by Siegfried (# 29) on :
 
Floor Reporter Siegfried

Coot-san...
I asked the Iron Chef the same question, and was given the following statement:

quote:

---

The critics are ignorant about cracker cuisine AND Wonder bread.

---

Sieg
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
"Prissy poser" [Lyda takes a hefty swig of Southern Comfort and hands it off to Light. She's at the sullen drunk stage. But is too much of a wuss to do anything but egg on the brawls of others.] "She'd better watch her back. I'd like to see Iron Gator punt one of those little prancers."
 

---

Posted by GoldenKey (# 1468) on :
 
GK. American Victor


GK and the elves stop just outside the stage door. They huddle, then shout "Give 'em HECK!"

4 house elves join them, pushing covered carts.

GK winks, then opens the stage door.
 

---

Posted by GoldenKey (# 1468) on :
 
GK, American Victor!

GK and her team assemble before the chairman and panel, bow low , and wait to be acknowledged.
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
"Um, yeah"

clap

clap

clap

clap

clap

[chug-chug-chug-aaahhhhh]
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Golden Key bows to panel. Panel bow to Golden Key. Golden Key bows to chairman. Chairman bows to Golden Key. The panel and chairman bow to each other. Then the house elves start bowing to everyone individually. Time passes, people get aching necks and backs and start feeling slightly dizzy.
 

---

Posted by GoldenKey (# 1468) on :
 
GK, American Victor

Thinks to self, "So do we just stand here? Am I supposed to wait for the chairman to speak? Is there a reward? Oy. "

GK takes a deep, relaxing breath, and nods at the elves. They take out their wands. Magic is afoot.

Everyone in the building is suddenly holding a gift basket, containing Wonder bread sandwiches, Chinese chicken salad, monastic fudge, Ariel Wine, Martinelli's sparkling cider, and a small package of Bertie Bott's Beans (the pleasant flavors only).

The chairman and panel also have hypoallergenic flowers, and magical pictures of GK and her team waving and cooking.

GK approaches Chef Erin, and bows. She surreptitiously signals to the elves, who roll the mysterious carts over to GK and uncover them.

She presents Erin with a 5-ft alligator, on a gentle, velvet leash, that spits out wrapped Ghirardelli chocolate whenever it's angry. The gator is named Spike.

The elves then present Erin's team with backpacks containing "Honorary HECK Team Member" t-shirts, monastic fudge, self-defense videos, and unionizing brochures.

Finally, GK presents Chef Erin with an antique Japanese tea set, a canister of the best powdered green tea, and a card which says:

"Making a cup of green tea, I stop the war." --Paul Reps

Erin, thank you for the competition!

--GK

GK bows to Erin again, then leads her team to the main floor, where they sit in lotus position and wait.
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Will someone please give the chairman a poke and wake him up. I've arranged to have lunch with someone in October, and I don't want to be late.
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Kelly-san

(Kelly has been chatting up a cute male elf in the corner. The thundering applause shakes her back to reality)

Whuhu? Oh... GK won? RIGHT ON!!! HOME-GIRL!HOME-GIRL!HOME-GIRL!


Well done, Erin-san; you brought me back to loving bologna.

[ Elves singing: Mama's little baby loves gator, gator, mama's little baby loves gator stew...]

Hey, you better watch it, guys, she still has that deep-fryer....
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
[Lyda looks at the gift basket suddenly in her lap. Mmmm sandwiches, fudge, chicken salad- Chinese?- smells good, non-alcoholic beverages . But wait! Tucked below the Martinelli's is a bottle of -yes it is!- tequila! She catches the eye of an elf she hadn't noticed before draped in a rakish Mexican blanket who winks and makes a thumbs up.]

"Wooo-eeeee! Gold-en Keeey! Gold-en Keeeey! You go girl! Woooo-eeeee!" clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap!!!!!!
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
[Ah, the crowd is fickle]

(Coot-san)

Thankyou, audience and honorable critics. Challenger was victorious over Iron Chef American in Battle Bread - but I am sure this is not the last word for Chairman Belisaga.

[Cut to Chairman Belisaga wearing a glittering gold tuxedo and lamé shoes. He bites into a peach the size of a lawn bowl with some angst]

Please join us again next week when Iron Chef English Heritage takes on a brave Challenger!
 

---

Posted by Belisarius (# 32) on :
 
Chairman Belisaga washes down the peach with a teasingly squeezed pomegranate. Producing a satin handkerchief, he wipes his face with it in one chiaruscoic motion. Pausing to inwardly savor the tactile after-effects, he then grandiloquently gestures to a covered dish and proclaims:

The Secret Ingredient for the English Challenge is...

(whips away covering)

Golden Fry™ Yorkshire Pudding Mix!
 

---

Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :
 
Englilsh Chef Challenger

pokes head round curtains

Is this my cue?
 

---

Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
Iron Chef English Heritage
Appears from the side of the stage in an Episcopal red-violet linen pinny, a toque of similar hue adding a certain Imperial quality to her appearance. With an expression of profound suspicion, she picks up the packet of Mystery Ingredient and examines the small print on the label. Mystery Ingredient indeed! This calls for some thought. And a gin.
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Firenze

At the mention of gin, Firenze pauses in her packing of a small Vuitton holdall, to retrieve a silver flask from underneath the chair. She takes a mediative swig.

The weekend starts here. Come, Greymalkin. Time, I think, to catch the sleeper north. It looks like being another demanding week next week.
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san)

Oh yes, we film all the shows together in one frenzied afternoon. In a minute I will gong the Gong of Fate. But firstly, a big welcome to our Challenger!!

[applause]

sophs, tells us, where did you come by these skills that have brought you here to the Academy?

And how do you feel about taking on one of Chairman Belisaga's finest: Iron Chef English Heritage?

How have you prepared for this Battle?
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Not the Gong of Fate. Please. Not without warning. After the excesses of the past few days I am feeling somewhat delicate, and need champagne.

The gong does look very sonorous and tintinnabulous in a very gong-like sort of way. Its bronze rotundity is positively disconcerting, as is the air of intolerable smugness it seems to radiate. No wonder people want to hit it.

(Opens bottle of champagne)

Ahhh, that's better. And who knows, it may even numb the pain I anticipate feeling on being presented with 12 dishes made with instant Yorkshire pudding.

Ariel

I'm sure the mystery ingredient will present a real challenge to our chefs. I look forward to seeing their ingenuity in action.
 

---

Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Icarus Coot:
(Coot-san)

sophs, tells us, where did you come by these skills that have brought you here to the Academy?

And how do you feel about taking on one of Chairman Belisaga's finest: Iron Chef English Heritage?

How have you prepared for this Battle?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Amos:
Iron Chef English Heritage

What a sweet girl! Does it matter whether she learned to cook from Philip 'The Subtle Knife' Pullman or from 'Fifty-five meals to Cook on a Gas-ring'? [/i]

---

English Challenger

Well, you got the Jorden College reference, the Coram Fire refered to Coram Boy by Jamila Gavin and FireSong by William Nicholson. [ OOC - since my book shelves collapsed i have a window sill full of books that are my inspiration for many things]

And that is a sutible introduction to the commen that will run through all of the dishes I will prepare for this competition. They will all be based on the Culinary delights mentioned by English authors in various works of fantasy.

Also, all my dishes will be veggie.
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san)

Challenger looks... confident!

Now I shall gong the Gong of Fate.

.

[As before 3 days from gonging then Chef and Challenger will present their finished dishes to the critics]
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Gong of Fate)

GOOOOOOONNGGG!!!!!
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
WINCE
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
"JESUS CHRIST!!!"
"Does he have to use the fricking gong?! And what the hell is in that box? Cake mix? Pudding? What are they supposed to do with pudding?" [Lyda shakes her head and finishes the last of the fudge.]
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Ariel

Now that my head has stopped vibrating and my hearing has returned, let's see what awaits us. On the one hand we are promised fantasy vegetarian creations - Gormenghast done in pastry, and the clove-studded tofu towers of Mor Pork spring to mind - on the other, a somewhat outre repast, but who can resist creamed nettles, that most versatile of plants, such a delicate shade of green, so deceptively insipid, but with uniquely purifying and revivifying powers. I wonder if the IC(EH) has read Mrs J R Hartley's recipe book on 101 Interesting Ways To Use Nettles? There will undoubtedly be some difficult decisions in the forthcoming contest.
 

---

Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :
 
English Challenger

a letter written on scruffy file paper in bright pink biro with a history timeline and assorted notes on the back floats down to near where Coot-san is standing. it says...

Dear Mr Coot

I am going to be really fussy/penicity here and can't pm you as i am in college and the system won't let me get to profiles...

I have just found out I have 2000 words of coursework to do before friday.

Can I be an asshat and pospone either the competition or beg you to make it longer so that I actually do some work for the next three days rather than type on here.

I will pm you later. And anticipate your response egarly. Please return this bit of paper as it is my essay plan.

Thank you.

sophs


[out of character] I'm really sorry......i have a free (LOL) day tommorrow so hopefully I will be back in action after not logging in tommorrow.... [/OOC]
 

---

Posted by Icarus Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Gong of Fate)

GOOOOOOONNGGGGG!


.

.

(Coot-san)

Thankyou audience, we are now going to have several long messages from our sponsors until Friday; during which you may deport yourselves with the available food, drink and personnel.

[Edit: Ah sorry, I meant 'desport']

[ 27. January 2004, 13:17: Message edited by: Icarus Coot ]
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
(Mutters: Deport yourselves? I wish someone would deport Coot-san and his blasted gong.)

Ariel

Time for a little light refreshment, I think. I shall adjourn to the bar.
 

---

Posted by Kishi (# 4534) on :
 
[OOC]

While we're on a break would someone describe what's in a box of Yorkshire Pudding mix for those of us on this side of the pond? Is it a pre-mixed baking flour like Bisquick? Since my Dad's version (which, btw, I've yet to see equaled in any restaurant over here) is just flour, eggs and roast-beef drippings (I'm not sure what, if any, other liquid he uses), I'm asuming that this pudding mix is just flour, a powdered leavening agent, and, perhaps, salt. Is there a separate artificial flavor packet or bouillon included or perhaps mixed in? Someone want to post a contents label off a box? Thanks, all - your Kishi needs this info to sound pompous and all in the forthcoming battle.

[/OOC]
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Firenze

It is possible he means 'disport'.

Had I known there was to be a delay, I would not have left what was really quite a good party at Forres. Grizelda does a delicious newt-eye canapes, and this thing where she takes individual pipistrelle and stuffs them with feta, then wraps them in their marinated wings. Rather like dolmades, but a little chewier.

Firenze goes back to picking pieces of heather and whin out of her current outfit - a rather fetching combination of ripped black silk and Harris tweed
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Kelly-san spends the break partying at a local pub with the elves)
 

---

Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :
 
English Challanger

sophs appears out of no where smiling brightly, and wearing a chinese style sky blue silk sleveless top that reaches almost to her knees and is decorated with silver embroidery, under that she wears a navy blue long-sleved t-shirt and a pair of reasonobly scruffy navy blue jeans and dark blue trainers.

Are we going to start soon? I went to the supermarket after college today and looked at the ingrediant, having never seen it before, and am raring to go!
 

---

Posted by GoldenKey (# 1468) on :
 
GK, American Victor

A group of house elves humbly approaches Ariel. They apologize for their little joke in an early-morning delivery of Ariel wine.

To make up for it, they offer her a weekend of meals in bed and chores done.
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
(Accepts with alacrity and rushes back to bed.)
 

---

Posted by Young Mr. Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san)

[A multimedia extravaganza extolling the wonders of Yorkshire Pudding mix draws to a close] Thankyou for that little word from our sponsors!

Challenger English Heritage is ready to take on Iron Chef English Heritage in BATTLE YORKSHIRE PUD MIX!!!!

(And in case you didn't hear it, we've already had the gong -

(Gong of Fate)

GOOOOOOONNGGG!!!!!

That's 3 real-time days of cooking from this post!)

[Aside: Nice try Ariel Critic-san, you don't avoid tasting a battery of pud mixes that easily!]
 

---

Posted by Young Mr. Coot (# 220) on :
 
[OOC]Kishi, I'm not sure on the Pud Mix contents; praps someone with some in their pantry could enlighten us? Or take an educated guess?[/OOC]
 

---

Posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon (# 4544) on :
 
[Lyda, having polished off the fudge, and still possessed of a pleasant buzz, reaches into her roomy bag and pulls out a notebook computer. She flags down a stray house-elf who puts a wireless whammy on the normally modem dependent laptop and puts Google to work. She soon comes up with this lovely site that tells all about this uniquely British foodstuff.]

"And this stuff is supposed to rise? Jeez-louise, makes me think of wallpaper paste.

"Hey, what do you Brits drink with this stuff anyway? George tucked in this bottle he claimed he swiped from his great uncle. Said it was called single malt. That's not malt liquor is it? It can't be; it doesn't bubble and it says whiskey on it. Here it is: Glenfiddich. Is that any good? George says it's good luck. When ya have this bottle you always have friends."
 

---

Posted by Amazing Grace (# 4754) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lyda Rose of Sharon:
[Lyda, having polished off the fudge, and still possessed of a pleasant buzz, reaches into her roomy bag and pulls out a notebook computer. She flags down a stray house-elf who puts a wireless whammy on the normally modem dependent laptop and puts Google to work. She soon comes up with this lovely site that tells all about this uniquely British foodstuff.]

"And this stuff is supposed to rise? Jeez-louise, makes me think of wallpaper paste.

"Hey, what do you Brits drink with this stuff anyway? George tucked in this bottle he claimed he swiped from his great uncle. Said it was called single malt. That's not malt liquor is it? It can't be; it doesn't bubble and it says whiskey on it. Here it is: Glenfiddich. Is that any good? George says it's good luck. When ya have this bottle you always have friends."

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kelly Alves:
Hm. Problems with link. All that comes up is a recipie for adobe.

---

Duo Seraphim critic-san

Yorkshire pudding is the natural prelude to roast beef. Cooked under the beef(roasting on the rack above) in its own tin, so that every glorious drop of good honest beef juice anoints it. Then serve it forth, light and golden, puffed up and crispy brown on the edges, with its own natural valley, ready to receive the brown onion gravy. Then on to succulent and hearty roast beef with appetite barely blunted...

See? No resemblance to mud bricks at all.
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Firenze critic-san

Firenze is trying to do some serious visualising of the Twa Angel's oven. There is a tin of pudding and above it the joint - either on the shelf, sans its own tin, or on a rack balanced on and above the pudding. And if the juices are soaking into the batter below, how are they also going to be available for the gravy? Moreover, since pudding requires oven temperatures in the terrifying inferno range to ensure puffing up, will not the joint be a cinder?

She shakes her head. Call her a humble old hedge witch, accustomed to cook with little more than a cauldron and a few carbon steel Sabatiers and only the most basic Neff ceramic hob, but it's not what she learnt at the Morgana Le Fay College of Black and Domestic Arts
 

---

Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :
 
English Challanger

sophs looks around to see what other people are doing, finding no cue to how she should react she chops and onion and fries it, then switches the oven on to heat up and pulls one of the chronicles of Narnia out of her bag and reads it

 

---

Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
Cast Iron Chef English Heritage

Checks that the butcher's boy has delivered the beef, and that the arrangements for roasting are ready--was it entirely wise to co-opt Daisy the dachshund from down the street as a turn-spit? Let's see: soup course--veg--and the puddings--is there sufficient cream? And what to do with this damn'd packet of sawdust? Strew the floor like an old-fashioned butcher's?
 

---

Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :
 
english challenger

assembles all the ingrediants for her veggie feast

Where to start...
And how long do we have left?

I need a drink.
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Ariel Critic-san

Daisy the Dachshund? How appropriate, in a culinary contest, to bring in a sausage dog.

And to employ the creature to turn the spit, making it a genuine hot dog. Will it be served up in a sesame bun with fried onions and a dollop of home-made spicy tomato relish? Will there be other dogs involved, perhaps a Yorkshire terrier, to serve as the main course to go with the Yorkshire pudding?

I think we are in for an interesting evening.
 

---

Posted by Young Mr. Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san)

Thankyou, Chefs and audience the hour is up - now for the treat our Critics' tastebuds have been waiting for! First Challenger, then Iron Chef English Heritage will reveal their gastronomic triumphs!

(Did anyone see if the icecream maker got a work out?)
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Firenze

Since the mention of dogs, Greymalkin has been showing signs of peturbation, and is currently only visible as a pair of glowing eyes underneath Firenze's chair.

In preparation for judging the next chefs, she is perusing a stack of volumes including the Forme of Cury, A Proper Newe Booke of Cokerye and The Queens Closet Opened.

Fascinating. Who would have thought you could do that with a boar's head, a jar of capers and a peacock baster?

[ 04. February 2004, 07:21: Message edited by: Firenze ]
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
* bump*

(Has this thread died? Should we assume the Challenger has given up and award the prize to the opposition instead, or move to the next round or something? Or should we all just go home?)
 

---

Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :
 
English Challanger

Briefly my menu is...

Starter : Yorkshire Pudding* with ball of nut roast garnished with tomatoe sauce and a sprig of parsly

Little thing that gets give inbetween courses (LTTGGIBC) : Home made Lemon Sorbet with a swirl of raspberry sauce

Main Course : Vegetarian Toad* in the Hole (batter pudding with veggie sausages) served with Mashed Tatties (sophs speciality), seasoned carrots (sophs grandmas speciality) and quick fried green beans.

OR

Nut roast, Yorkshire puddings*, Home Made chips, served with carrots, grean beans and tomatoe sauce.

LTTGGIBM : thin pancake* served with a scoop of dariy vanilla ice cream and drizzled with black current sauce

Pudding : Drop scones* served with honey

OR

Lemon Mirangue Pie
Served with cream

Then : Yorkshire cheese, Nut Pate, home made bread and pate

If your still hungry : a selection of sweet and savory pancakes* or Kipfel (Almond Biscuits - Sophs grandmas recipie from Slovinia)


The items marked with a star are made from the batter mix provided (some wiht extra ingrediants added), other recipies will be provided on request
 

---

Posted by Young Mr. Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san)
Challenger's offerings are certainly interesting and she has used the theme ingredient liberally! She appears to be going for the minimalist nouveau approach, eschewing elaborate presentation and letting the dishes speak for themselves. What will our carnivorous critics make of it - Hot or Not?
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Kelly -san

The between course refreshers are a nice touch... I paritcularly liked the ice cream pancakes.

But the main course is truly the centerpiece, very rib-sticky and homey and comforting on a wintery evening such as this. And the combination of Toad-in-a-hole with mashed tatties is very satifying.

As for dessert--I think I will forgoe the lemon merengue in favor of the Zen simplicity of the drop scones. Mmmmmm.

(and as for the pate--if any of the other critics want any, they better get there before I do!)
 

---

Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Ariel Critic-san

A new twist on traditional old recipes: still recognizably in keeping with the theme but with a touch of innovation. I have contemplated the nut roast from several angles and am intrigued by its texture and uncompromising solidity. This speaks to me of enduring tradition, of winters in ancient, deer-haunted forests, of coming home to damp and steamy houses with washing freezing on the line outside - all the comforts of a truly British winter, just as the lemon meringue pie with its bright and cheerful colour yet with white icing heralds the promise of spring underneath the overlying frost, or the sunlight of summer with fleecy clouds and autumn (note the brownish tint on the meringue) on its way. It is truly a pie for all seasons, and its appearance on this menu is reassuring.
 

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Posted by hermit (# 1803) on :
 
I don't really understand what this thread is about, but it seems to be about how to cook food to eat it. That's simple, I can tell you all how to do that.

First you shoot the animal, preferably a deer although at some point you'll need a raccoon or bear for the fat. Then you cut around the anus and genitals and up the underside, pull out the guts etc and throw them to the dogs to play with.

Then you drag the carcass over to your hardwood fire which is full of hot coals but no flames. If you're lazy like me you'll just throw the heart and liver on the fire, but real chefs like to use a spit. If you use a spit you can put on some bear fat before cooking. You have to cook the organs first because they go bad quicker, the deer can be hung up for days and flesh meat sliced off it as you go.

After a minute or so you turn over the liver and heart, then another minute and pull them out with a long fork or bowie knife, scape the ashes off with the knife, and put some of that sea salt on that you traded for. Delicious! If you need vegetables you can chew some dandelion leaves or roast cattail roots.

Some folks like chewing spruce gum for dessert.
 

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Posted by Kishi (# 4534) on :
 
Kishi

Kishi ignores the strange man who has somehow wandered into the studio and tastes the appetizer

This theme ingredient presents quite a challenge since the mixture is so similar to a simple wheat flour. Can the chefs show off the theme in ways which highlight and communicate that difference? Interestingly, the challenger has chosen to increase that challenge by focusing on a single national cuisine and by not employing any meat at all.

The first dish shows the theme ingredient in much the way it was intented by the manufacturer to be used. Here the rich tomato sauce serves to provide the body that might otherwise be lacking without the beef drippings that are usually used to make the pudding. This dish is a pure presentation of the theme.

Kishi samples the sorbet, and moves on to the toad in the hole

Again, we are presented with an icon of English cooking. The key to this dish is, of course, the sausage. These sausages were quite flavorful and savory, and they matched well with the additional richness that the mix provides in comparison to the flour which normally used. The accompanying vegitables were well prepared if a bit mundane.

Kishi tries the final dishes.

The pancakes are delightful and the current sauce is quite refreshing.

The scones, finally, are light and fresh and an excellent conclusion to the meal.

Truly, this meal was an excellent presentation of theme. My only mild criticism might be that none of the dishes were particularly innovative beyond the original consideration to include no meat. But that choice in itself was pretty daring, and, ultimately, the dishes were well executed.
 

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Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Firenze Critic-san

Firenze too notices a wild figure dressed in animal skins gibbering about giblets. She makes a mental note to turn him into something. Possibly a deer.

The meal as a whole is tasty, if a touch farinaceous - understandable, given the mystery ingredient. One has to wonder if tomato sauce is an adequate replacement for gravy?

I consider the sweet pairings the happier invention.
 

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Posted by sophs (# 2296) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Kishi:
Kishi

The accompanying vegitables were well prepared if a bit mundane.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Firenze:
Firenze too notices a wild figure dressed in animal skins gibbering about giblets. She makes a mental note to turn him into something. Possibly a deer.

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It's just Myrddin Wyllt. Ignore him. He'll soon wander off back to his cave and compose an ode to a pig under an apple tree or something.
 

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Posted by Amos (# 44) on :
 
Iron Chef English Heritage
The table is long, and set with white damask cloth and the Minton. The silver's polished and the horn-handled knives have each been scrubbed with clean sand and sharpened. A sufficiency of competent and inconspicuous waiters serves the meal, walking silently on the sawdusted floor (ah! but is it sawdust? perhaps another use has been found for the dread Yorkshire Pudding Mix!)

The menu

Nettle Soup, served with a choux garnish made from the Secret Ingredient
or
Lady Westmorland's Soup ('This is nothing more than the water in which young cabbage has been boiled. It is extremely good and delicate and tastes very much like chicken broth. It is not merely an economy but a luxury; one of the best of health and beauty drinks'--Florence White, founder of the English Folk Cookery Association, 1932)

Potted Lamperns from the Severn, served with toast or

Smelts, breaded with the Secret Ingredient, fried in lard, and served with lemon.

Roast Beef--this is a well-hung sirloin, roasted before the fire in its entirety. Before roasting, it was dusted with dry mustard, black pepper, and the Secret Ingredient to give a crisp crust. The services of Daisy were dispensed with; she was sent home with a bull's pizzle for consolation. One of the kitchen apprentices tended the joint, seasoning (but not salting) it as it roasted, placing the dripping pans where they would do the most good, and basting often. There is enough brown meat for those who like theirs well-done, and plenty of rare for us others. The beef is served with a variety of tracklements: shredded horseradish, fine, white, and packing a kick like radioactive snow; clear hot gravy, Rajah's Sauce and Cab Shelter Sauce (recipes provided on request) for those who want such things. And of course Yorkshire Pudding, made with the Secret Ingredient ( much better when made from scratch), but with the egg whites beaten to a stiff froth. The batter makes a 'frou-frou' like an omelette as it goes into the hot fat. It is puffy, crisp, brown, and ready to serve at the same time as the beef.

Roast mixed vegetables: red-skinned potatoes, parsnips, turnips, shallots; roasted with olive oil and a branch of rosemary.

A bowl of hot roast beetroot, served buttered in a nest of its greens.

Salad of cress, young spinach, and infant dandelion leaves

A variety of Puddings, made with the Secret Ingredient:

Profiteroles (made with the Secret Ingredient) filled with a variety of ice-creams (homemade, natch) and served with either chocolate or sloe-gin sauce

Spiced apple fritters (made with the Secret Ingredient)

Tiverton Batter Pudding (made with spice and finely shredded candied lemon rind; eaten hot with butter and sugar)


Angels on horseback or
cheese and biscuits

Fruit, nuts, chocolate, and Port.

The meal is served with a variety of drinks, according to taste. Some will want GIN, some will want ginger-beer. Some will accept the claret when the butler offers it, and some will demand Real Ale.
 

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Posted by The Coot (# 220) on :
 
(Coot-san)
(Bursting with excitement)

The icecream-maker got a work out! The icecream-maker got a work out!
[Aside: You know, I would have liked to have seen something like a cookie-dough icecream made with the theme ingredient but the present offerings look good]

I think Duo Seraphim Critic-san is still sampling Challenger's menu. But something tells me our other critics will be wanting to investigate Iron Chef's menu in fine detail.
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Ariel Critic-san

The Iron Chef has clearly opted for traditional country cooking, and has undoubtedly spent much of the weekend with carrier bag, trowel and secateurs in hand, perhaps even a fishing net, tramping the back lanes and towpaths for delicacies to surprise us.

Nettle soup is no surprise, though; I had expected no less; but it's really quite difficult to choose between the potted lampreys and the fried smelts. Lampreys, long out of fashion, may after this evening may make something of a comeback in one way or another. And how often do we see smelts? Both are delicious in their own ways.

But I mustn't be greedy. Moving on, I shall comment that the rosemary is perhaps a little excessive, but I daresay we are not meant to eat it all. Is the beef a little tough, perhaps? Thank you, I will have another few slices, just to make sure. But the spiced apple fritters are excellently done, light and not greasy, and the batter pudding delightful, although the candied lemon peel is a little hard on the teeth. What do others think?
 

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Posted by Kishi (# 4534) on :
 
Kishi

Kishi begins with the nettle soup.

Ah, the traditional winter fare of an island nation. I am stuck by the strange parallels in our cultures respective cuisines. Japan, of course, turns to the sea for most of its meat proteins, but, otherwise, any weed will serve for the soup in both places. The choux adds a nice textural component to the course.

Kishi chooses the smelt

Smelt tend to be quite salty, but that component is quite well controled here. I'm not sure, however, that this dish is markedly different than it would be were flour were to be used instead of the pudding mix.

Kishi works her way methodically through the main course.

Ah, yes, here is the quintessential English meal. The roast is, of course, superb, but I must focus on the theme. Kishi bites into the piping hot pudding. Yes. This dish is exactly what yorkshire pudding should be despite the bland, mass-produced nature of the mix. The extemely high heat of the drippings that the batter was poured into has produced a savory, tasty crust while the interior remains moist enough to truly merit the term "pudding".

Kishi concludes with the various theme-based puddings.

We have quite a bit of butterfat here after the heaviness of the main course. The salad did, of course, provide a break, but that did not feature the ingredient. The various ice-creams were nice. Who knew that Watney's Red Barrel would make such a charming flavor. I must say, however, that the sloe-gin sauce was innovative and created a nice contrast with the rest of meal. The fitters were nice and light. I found the lemon peel in the batter pudding provided a nice bit of chewy texture with just a bit a bitterness which was good at this point in the meal.

The English Cast-Iron chef clearly presented a first class meal. The question remains who articulated this difficult ingredient the best and who brought the most creativity to the table. To my mind this match is quite close. I will need some time to reflect.
 

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Posted by hermit (# 1803) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Ariel:

quote:

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Originally posted by Firenze:
Firenze too notices a wild figure dressed in animal skins gibbering about giblets. She makes a mental note to turn him into something. Possibly a deer.

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It's just Myrddin Wyllt. Ignore him. He'll soon wander off back to his cave and compose an ode to a pig under an apple tree or something.

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code:

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          Firenze  Kelly  Ariel  Duo   Kishi
Challenger    15    17     6      13     17
Chef          18    18    17      17     19

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