Thread: Eccles: Pearls Before Swine: The Parish Magazine of St Bastard's and the Nibbles Board: Limbo / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
The Curate Writes:

It is many months since the last issue of the parish magazine. I don't need to rehearse the sad events again. It is time to look forward in faith to the future; it is time to pull together; the tide is high and we are moving on.

On Wednesday we will be having a service of thanksgiving for the recovery of little Karen Beasley, who was so tragically injured when the baldachino exploded. Do join us for the special Solemn Sung Holy Mass in the chapel of Celestine I.

Our Advent activities continue apace, with a special Missal Study group meeting in the vicarage. And of course there is the full rota of services
on the 25th, when we remember Our Lady's continuing work of salvation.

Looking forward to January, we will be blessed by a visiting team from "Sideways in Semantics", an Anglican organisation aimed at providing alternative archdiaconal oversight to those who feel that the Church of England has not the proper authority to licence Readers and cannot accept a sermon from those who have licensed them. It will be a special day for us all who believe in the sanctity of the priesthood.

A very merry Virginmas to you all, and a Happy New Year.

The Curate.

[ 14. May 2007, 21:09: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
 

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Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 


and how long is this placement ?



P
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
"It is time to pull together" : chorister puzzles over what exactly this can mean.......

(In recovery after making 50 home-made Christmas crackers )
 

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Posted by CorgiGreta (# 443) on :
 
Mr. Curate:

I write you this in Christian love, you despicable pseudo-priest. You have eliminated a venerable parish tradition: the parish magazine Puzzle. It is one of the highlights of my life. I always do quite well in solving it, although last time there was a trick question involving unction. I suspect you intend to introduce a bible quiz or some such insult to my intelligence and faith.

Cancel my subscription and refund my pledge as well. I shall throw spitballs at you during Mass.

Spitefully yours in Christ,

Greta
 

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Posted by jlg (# 98) on :
 
Now, now, Ms Greta, I'm sure that there will be a puzzle coming along any time now. The good Curate has been very busy pondering rumpled deacon's rumps and something that seems to be electrified orphreys on dalmatics. We laity are not privy to all the burdens carried by such saints as our Curate Dyfrig, so it is important to be patient with those who are perhaps a bit touched. By God, of course, touched by God!
 

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Posted by Siegfried (# 29) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by jlg:
We laity are not privy to all the burdens carried by such saints as our Curate Dyfrig, so it is important to be patient with those who are perhaps a bit touched. By God, of course, touched by God!

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God's not the only one doing the touching, based on a rumour circulating through the choir last Sunday! Don't be surprised if a certain member of the parish council comes to next service looking as if he's been doing his own laundry!!

Sieg
 

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Posted by Royal Peculiar (# 3159) on :
 
The baldachino exploding was surely a judgment of God on your split infinitive in you sermon of Trinity XV , dear Father. Unless you desist from such semantic irregularity, there will be a visitation of plague in the Parish, we will all perish and it will all be your fault.

Happy Christmas
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
I beg your pardon. I'm new around here and wandered into this thread by mistake.
But I do have a question. "Virginmas". Is that anything like Kwanzaa?
 

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Posted by Stephen (# 40) on :
 
I'm sure I don't need to tell you,Fr.Dyfrig,that there is no such thing as a "Mass" in the Church of England according to Canon B Blah-de-blah (1964 Concordat of Llanrhaeadr-ym-Mochnant)
Even though 'such pedantry is a real bar to the Gospel 'Hehe....
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 

quote:

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the baldachino exploded

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quote:

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College is fab!!!!! I am in Spittle Hall, with Bez, Dez, Lez, Kez, Mez and Fez (who is on an exchange year from King Hussein II University in Morocco!). We’re are really crazy! and stay up all night! having parties.

Am currently looking at the life cycle of the turnip as recorded by Izaak Walpole in his famous book “The Life Cycle of the Turnip as Recorded by Izaak Walpole”. Fascinating stuff!!!!!! Have to write 1,000 words on germination. Oh no!!!!!

Have joined all sorts of societies!!!!!! Cider Soc is the best, along with Camp Soc (bellringing in Lincoln cathedral and then the pub), Sock Soc (amusing things done with socks after being to the pub) and, of course, Turnip Soc

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quote:

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Posted on 7 March 2003 by Dyfrig, under the title "Extreme Unction - the Occasional Magazine of St Bastard and the Nibbles":
Reason and the various comings and goings notwithstanding, life continues unabated in the benefice.

So much to report: firstly, of course, Our Lady of the (by now) Presbyrate has moved on (or, "Buggered off without so much as a by-your-leave", as Pat would put it). Her last service was on the Feast of Thomas Becket, Queen and Martyr To His Piles. A rather rambly sermon as per usual: something about the Church not having to be accountable for its failings to anyone else.

Our Lady is now ensconced at a swish parish in Town, where presumably they will better appreciate her dual talents of getting aggressively defensive
when her ideas are challenged and generosity with the Pimms (which, I am advised by the more discerning Anglo-Catholics, is much more stylish than Rohypnol) as she makes her way through the sixth form at the local Girls' Grammar.

Thus, with the double loss of clergy in the past year, the Diocese finally took notice and sent us someone new, who were installed on the Feast of
General Pinochet (not quite convinced about the use of the tank in the procession, particularly as no-one had checked the brakes. Oh well, I'm sure little Karen Beasley will be out of plaster soon).

We have in our midst Fr Derek "Del-Boy" Tuatt (which rhymes with "Stewart"), formerly chaplain to the scholars at Bagpuss Parva, and a youthful chap with a stubbly chin, a bobble-hat with no bobble on it, and a penchant for playing the guitar, who is affectionately referred to as The Badly Drawn Boy Curate. Apparently he is a rising and useful man, upon whose shoulders rests the future of Liberal Anglo-Evangelical Radical Catholic Orthodoxy. We shall see.

I escaped the mayhem for a week's holiday in the Black Mountains in east Wales. Whilst there I wondered into the Church of St Titbert's at Cefntin, only to find that some evangelicals had infested the place and were having a "Renewal" weekend, whatever that is.

Lo and behold, who should I find in charge of this rabble than our own Fr Tolstoy, who has swapped the fiddleback for a nice blude shirt. He introduced a couple of the speakers to me - a Pastor Clint Oris, who is apparently one of the famous "Tampa Bay Three" best known for their controversial "sheep-dipping" discipline; and a certain "rock'n'roll evangelist" called Elfed Presley. All very strange.

Note: The informati

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quote:

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Roman a clef. I'd sue.

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Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
Well, a kindly lady of the parish has tidied up the files (for which we are forever grateful). Now the only mystery to be solved is what earth the graffiti on one of the folders meant and who is this Simon Gnome (or whatever he's called) anyway.

A pleasant weekend was had here with a bottle of gin and that classic of Anglican devotional literature, "Rules for Ritual" by Parson Shandbook. Very good illustrations by the famous "Scuzz" as well, particular the one on p.94 with two slips and a gully and the thurifer at deep square leg.

Didn't go to church, as there was a bit of bruhaha on Saturday which left me rather jaded. Turns out that someone (without letting me, the vicar, Deacon Mekon, his wife Pat or anyone else know) had invited former Fr Tolstoy and his revivalist cronies to do a "Mission" in the church hall!

According to reports, it started off with Elfed Presley's dire music, followed by an hour-long bible-thump from their "guest evangelist", Preacher Skid. Then it went a bit odd, apparently. Preacher Skid encouraged the congregation to join him in a "prayer walk" around one of the "strongholds of Satan" in the town - this turned out to be St Bastard's!

Then things went from odd to confusion. Suffice to say that Jones the Thurifer is helping police with their enquiries about several assaults, the Reverend Skid has two counts of criminal damage to his name and the sight of the choir using the "three rows of artillery" trick from Zulu was not one I ever expected to see in a consecrated building.

So I hid on Sunday, as the church was a mess and Fr Tuatt was in a mood. Will go next week, as the Badly Drawn Boy Curate will be preaching for the first time. Should be good - I hear he's very good at family services. Has this trick he does with a dandelion.
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Dyfrig, I live for your St. Bastard's newsletters - is there any chance you could produce them every fortnight, as we have to keep up with St. Albion's , you know.
 

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Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
Mystery Worshipper: Deacon Beacon and her husband, Dave.
The church: St Bastard's, Westerbury.
Denomination: Church of England.
The building: A classic neo-gothic church with Norman influence, exacerbated by 60s extension work. Built by Sir Percival Fruit after a drunken night out with E.B. Pusey.
The church: A parish church, part of a benefice with the three Nibble villages.
The neighbourhood: A quiet, rural setting deep in the heart of suburbia, close to the council estates but not close enough that the residents would ever bother the church. .
The cast: Father Derek Tuatt presiding; Preacher and Deacon, Gordon Langley-Williams

What was the name of the service?
Family Parish Mass (Sung)
How full was the building?
Half full or half empty, depending on your point of view.
Did anyone welcome you personally?
No. There was a shelf with books on it (the Parish Missal and Mission Praise (which we picked up, assuming they were for the service) and "The Bible From Scratch" by Simon Jenkins, which I don't think was necessarily part of the proceedings)
Was your pew comfortable?
Apparently Sir Percival didn't believe anyone actually needed to sit down during a service (he thought they'd be kneeling or standing), so he made very sure that the pews didn't encourage any sense of comfort.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
Quiet. As in, totally silent.

What were the exact opening words of the service?
"How do I get this f***ing microphone to w- ah…er…..In-the-name-of-the-FatherSonHolySprrr….Hymn 102"

What books did the congregation use during the service?
Despite picking up the books that were at the door, it turns out that in the pews was a booklet called "Missa Bastardis", which seemed to be bits cobbled together from Sarum, the Interim Rite and Trent, together with notes and commentaries from Percy Dearmer and the Redemption Hymnal, which was a bit bizarre to say the least.
What musical instruments were played?
The organ boomed away from the far end, totally drowning out the choir and the congregation. During the "Kidz Talk" (that's what the heading said in the "Missa"), the Deacon brought out his guitar and led the lacklustre singing of "Mary, Blessed Teenage Mother".

Did anything distract you?
The Deacon was wearing a bobble-hat without a bobble, and hadn't shaved that morning. My w- husband tells me that he bears a resemblance to some pop musician or other.

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?
An odd mix - solemn procession coupled with revivalist hymns, and the aforementioned modern song.

Exactly how long was the sermon?
19 minutes, only 9 of which was actually preaching (see below)

On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher?
2 - rather rambly, with too many lame jokes and trying too hard to ingratiate himself with the "kidz".

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
Difficult - quite hard to pin it down. Probably something like, "It's really great to be here, isn't it? In this place which is, like really the right place to be on a Sunday morning, not like places that don't have Mass and don't really have Jesus present with them". Then morphed, rather cumbersomely, into "How Mary is, like, the oven in which the bread of life was baked and if Jesus was a flower or a vine, we could eat him too" at which point the preacher consumed a daffodil. The service was suspended for 10 minutes as he coughed and spluttered and had to be taken outside. After he came back, he concluded that "it's all a mystery". At least he got something right.

Which part of the service was like being in heaven?
The end

And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
The bit when a middle-aged spinster came up to me and said how wonderfully the Preacher had been! It took a great deal of self-control not to look totally shocked.

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
We were invited to help clear up some rubble which was strewn across the narthex after a particularly violent incident a few weeks before

How would you describe the after-service coffee?
Diabolical. It had gin in it.

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
1 - works for some people, I'm sure.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
Yes - the notion that I could walk into any church in Christendom and find something better than this was a great comfort to me.

What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time?
The sense of relief on leaving.
 

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Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
Dyfrig
 

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Posted by Dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
The Parish Church of St Bastard's, Westerby

Minutes of the Parochial Church Council held on 11th August 2003

APOLOGIES

A letter had been received from the Sidesman, Mr Gottfried von Zinkelheimer, indicating his wish to resign from the office and from the PCC due to being inconvenienced by the police investigation into his activities whilst a guard at Buchenwald during the war. The PCC thanked Mr von Zinkelheimer for his sterling work, particularly for his enthusiasm for choral evensong and arranging trips to Great Torrington.

MINUTES OF THE PREVIOUS MEETING

The minutes of the last meeting had been previously circulated. Ms Johnson noted that whilst the previous meeting had included a vote of no confidence in Mrs Tuatt, the Secretary, and severe criticism of the Vicar's changes to ritual, the minutes had read "All very fine and dandy. Everybody got on well". The Vicar said he would not be bullied by people who thought the Church was a democracy and that he was solely responsible to the Holy Ghost.

THE CHURCH ROOF

As had been noted at the last meeting, the roof has fallen down. The PCC voted 6-5 with 2 abstentions to set up a Working Party who will prepare a report to a Sub-Committee who will then draft recommendations to be discussed by the whole PCC.

VICAR'S REPORT

The Vicar reported that he'd drunk three bottles of gin in the last week.

ANY OTHER BUSINESS

It was reported that little Karen Beasley was now out of hospital but that the metal plate in her head would have to stay in permanently.

[ 12. August 2003, 13:48: Message edited by: Dyfrig ]
 

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Posted by Spike (# 36) on :
 
I have received the following email from an irate member of the congregation of St Bastard's:

Dear Sir

I must object in the strongest possible manner about the so called Mystery Worship "report" which has appeared on your web "site".

As a regular attender at St Bastards for well over 90 years, I feel it is most un-Christian to publish beastly things about our wonderful new preacher who happens to be a very nice young man. If this "reporter" thinks he can do any better, I'd like to see him try, I can tell you! We don't take kindly to newcomers in these parts.

The "reporter" obviously set out with some kind of agenda against us as he ommited to mention some of the truly wonderful artefacts we have in the church, particulary the 12 ft Bronze Statue of our previous Vicar's dog upon which we lay garlands on the anniversary of the poor beast's untimely death (which also resulted in the Vicar's 7 year prison sentence under the Cruelty to Animals act).

I think it is cowardly in the extreme to sneak in to a place of worship without appointment and to attend a service intended only for regular members of the congregation then to tell people about it on a so called Christian web "site".

Yours Sincerely

Vera Tweedy-Shobgite (Miss)
 

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Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
Phew! What a weekend! Not since little Karen Beasley got impaled on that candle has there been such a caffufle in the church.

Sunday morning saw a special service to consecrate the new mezzanine floor that creates a new room above the sanctuary. As we all know, this has been something of sore issue with many in the benefice.

Some have argued quite vociforously that not only is "mezzanine" not a biblical phrase, the entire tradition of the Church is against it. Others have said that God is doing a new thing, and that we shouldn't be afraid to embrace changes in flooring arrangements.

So we all gathered at St B's with Bishop Windy Millar and his chaplain, Nicky Smile, who were going to lay hands on the floor. During the service there was a minor scuffle at the back when Bishop Denzil Elimelech from the Diocese of Kyrgyztan and the Himalayas cried out in a loud voice that the floor was against God's word and warned of the dangers of going too near the rim. He expostulated on the nature of floor-coverings, citing carpet burns as a mark of the beast. He then said he would never walk on the new floor. This will be a problem, as it forms the quickest route to the toilets.

After +Denzil had left, +Windy did a liturgical dance comprising of sticking his hands in the air, doing a little jig and singing, "Hahaha! We win! We win! Piss off you reactionary bastards" before being pointed to the right page in the liturgy.

Nicky Smile then preached a sermon on how great God was, no, really, really great in a kind of great sort of way.

We then went to the church hall for tea.
 

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Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
So glad St Bastards is holding out Dyfrig. Keep up the good work.
 

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Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
Why thank you Ms Nunc. Glad to be of service

That reminds me, the music for yesterday's service was Dimittis in F# Minor, the so-called "MIssa Satanis". Apparently, if you play it backwards you can clearly hear the words, "I like lacy cottas".
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
About time, too.

Why doesn't St. Bastard's have its own website? Even Great Torrington manages that....
 

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Posted by Chapelhead (# 1143) on :
 
If God had meant us to have floors he wouldn't have walked on water.
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
BTW, Dyfrig, if you think I didn't see it, I did.
 

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Posted by tomb (# 174) on :
 
My.God.

There is a Party.Thread.in.Mystery.Worship.

First queer bishops; now this.

Can the Eschaton be far behind?
 

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Posted by Siegfried (# 29) on :
 
Party thread? Dyfrig is simply keeping us updated on the happenings at St. Bastard's!

Sieg
 

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Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Sine Nomine:
BTW, Dyfrig, if you think I didn't see it, I did.

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Well, that's put my mind at rest.

Now all I want to know is what you're talking about
 

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Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
Dyfrig, thanks for updating us on the goings-on at St. Bastard's. Sounds like a delightful parish. I must visit sometime.

I am curious about two things:
1. Is St. Bastard's seeking alternative episcopal oversight?
2. Is it true that your current bishop has asked St. Bastard's to seek alternative episcopal oversight?

Thank you and God bless.
 

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Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
Cassette Library: S03/A-2 - Fr Tuatt

[loud screeching noise. Shuffling]

Fr Tuatt (quietly): Jesus, Mary and Joseph-- [ear piercing feedback] Oh GOD!! Mekon?! MEKON!? Turn the red knob! …… Right. [more feedback] NO! I meant "right" as in "ok". [feedback ends] ….. [inaudible whispering] Anyway.

Good morning, everybody [low, muttered response]. I don't need to rehash the controversies of the past few weeks. This morning, instead of a sermon, I want to put before you two letters which the parish has received, which we all need to think about.

The first is from "Right Now", a body representing priests of the Church of England who are fighting to retain the catholicity of the church by proposing an autonomous province within England that is independent from Canterbury, General Synod and is free to choose which CofE Diocese it wants to be in communion with. I think this would be a good group to be involved with - you all know our fruitful links with St Tebbitt's in Matron-Cum-Lightly and our annual burning of Common Worship. I think we should seriously consider this proposal. Some will argue that this will mean a schism in the Church, the creation of a new ecclesial body- they are wrong. We, the upholders of true catholicism, are the Church within the Church of England and this free province would only be a recognition of that.

The second item I received in the post is from an American Bishop, the Most Heavily Reverend Mark Cool of the Diocese of Yo! in Ohio, who has written to us to express support for our stand in the current crisis and has offered us an "interim alternative episcopal oversighting pastorate" should we require such care. It is, of course, highly irregular to seek oversight beyond one's one shores - but Mr Cool's ministry amongst young people would bring a welcome new emphasis to spreading the word of true catholicism. We're well aware of our own failings in this area, and Mr Cool certainly has his finger on the nub of youth. My only reservation is that he appears not only to be American, but has never heard of gin.

I shall leave this information with you, and we will discuss it at the next PCC.

Now, where were we. Oh, let's not bother with the Creed today - there's rugby on the telly. Now for a hymn that expresses the centre of the faith, "Mary Blessed Teenage Mother". [ends]
 

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Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 

quote:

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but Mr Cool's ministry amongst young people would bring a welcome new emphasis to spreading the word of true catholicism. We're well aware of our own failings in this area, and Mr Cool certainly has his finger on the nub of youth.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
I do realise this was transcribed verbatim, Dyfrig, but surely Fr Tuatt meant "His Grace, bishop Cool" or "Rev. Cool" or "Most Heavily Rev. Cool" at a pinch. But "Mr" Cool?

Sounds to me like he greatly undervalues the episcopal ministry of this man, if he fails to give him his full title...

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Oh, I don't mi-- er, uh, I'm sure the Reverend Cool doesn't mind.
 

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Posted by CorgiGreta (# 443) on :
 
Dear Fr. Tuatt,

As Chaplain to +Cool, I feel it is my duty to supply you with some details that will facilitate the alternative pastoral oversight His Heavily Grace has proposed, should you happen to accept it. I must say that he has some requirements that may seem a bit odd to you Old Englanders.


1. During his visits, he must have the use of a pick-up truck (left hand drive) with a gun rack (well-stocked), a "Remember the Alamo" bumper sticker, and cow horns attached to the front of the hood. The horn should play the first few bars of the American National Anthem

2. He is a sound believer in the sacred biretta, of course, but it must be worn under a cowboy hat.

3. He requires that incense be a blend known in the trade as Kawamanua. We get ours from a rancher in Texas. You may wish to check with farmers in Wales.

4. He does not consume alcohol (even GIN!}. He considers tea drinking to be a perversion. His beveragea of choice are Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew, and Gatoraide.

5.Instead of Communion wine he will expect Tang to be used, and he will use a clear glass canning jar instead of a chalice. It is really quite dramatic at the Concecration when he adds Tang to water and it turns orange.

6. People should be warned that he occasionally deviates from Holy Cranmerian Language. For example, he says, "The Lord be with y'all."

I suppose I could go on and on, but I trust that you people are capable of some adaptability in spite of your reputation. In any case, I stand willing to be of further assistance to you in this process, as I am sure you will need it.


The Reverend Dr. Fr. Mr. Canon Lucifer Marc duPunque.

[ 10. November 2003, 20:46: Message edited by: CorgiGreta ]
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
So, who went on the pyre at St. Bastards?
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Dyfrig crept up, under cover of night, and put on a large cut-out figure he had prepared earlier, of the good reverend Hummerstone himself.....


Mr. Cool wishes it to be known that he would rather not be known by the more traditional title of Fr. but by the rather more 'user-friendly' one of Daddy.
 

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Posted by Rhisiart (# 69) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Chorister:
Mr. Cool wishes it to be known that he would rather not be known by the more traditional title of Fr. but by the rather more 'user-friendly' one of Daddy.

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As in:

"Daddy, Daddy Cool..."

?
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Yes indeedy.

10/10 to Rhisiart.
 

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Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
You know, hospital food isn't really so bad these days. It's certainly improved since the last time I was in.

So here we all are in the Burns Unit (apart from little Karen Beasley who's in Intensive Care): Fr Tuatt, Curate Gordon, Deacon Mekon and me. Quite remarkable really. Strangely, the hospital chaplaincy team avoids this ward at the moment.

The blasted verger, Mary, came round with grapes and her brand of sympathy. She also left me a cutting from the local rag about the incident. We were on page 2, after "Local Child Does Something" and "Cat Stuck in Tree in Piddleshaw".

Negligent Vicar Blamed For Advent Blaze

Local ecclesiastical authorities are waiting for local vicar Rev. Derek Ozymandias Tuatt to recover from his injuries before questioning him about the fire at St Bastard's on Sunday.

Fr Tuatt, 43, formerly of Belmarsh Prison, is being blamed for the blaze that has reduced the sham-gothic, 14th century Grade IV unlisted building to a smoking pile of rubble. Eyewitnesses say that during the first hymn Fr Tuatt attempted to light the Advent candle with his cigarette lighter. The flames caught hold of one of his garments, known as a maniple, and suddenly his entire clerical cloak was ablaze. Fortunately, thanks to them being loose-fitting polycotton with a zip all the way up the front he was able to remove them before he suffered any serious damage, but by throwing them onto the communion table he caused the white table cloth and the flower display to catch fire.

The blaze then spread to the blue carpet of the worship space and consumed the lightly-coloured Ikea bought chairs. The curate, Gordon Langley-Williams, heroically ushered everybody away from the flames, despite himself suffering from a singed beard.

Once outside, the congregation watched in horror as the building was engulfed, and some wept openly, wearing sackcloth and ashes as the west end of the building crumbled.

"I don't believe it," said one parishioner. "You don't expect this sort of thing. Who would have thought it? Gordon Bennett. Cor blimey."

Some witnesses were puzzled by aspects of the blaze, particularly the way in which the stones of the building themselves caught fire. The Fire Brigade report the smell of petrol.

One witness, who would only give her name as "Pat", said that it was a sad day, but at least the church was insured.

Fr Tuatt is currently in hospital but is expected to make a full recovery. The Bishop is said to be concerned that the parish priest's ostentatious worship style may have had some part in the severity of the fire, particular the lit 750 candles in the nave. He also expressed his disquiet that Fr Tuatt had tripped whilst running from the fire because of the five inch heels on his shoes, which were apparently painted to match the liturgical colour of the church's year.

Services have currently been suspended. A local preacher, Pastor Clint Oris, whose New International Life Church of the Word meets in the school, said he believed the fire was a judgement from God but that he would happily welcome any parishioners who wished to join his congregation, so long as they attended an Alpha Course and made a life commitment to the Church next Sunday.

Gordon Langley-Williams is 24.

FACTFILE: Want to know more about Maniples? Then click on ww.mercurytelegraphandtimes.com/facts/bastardfire/maniple
 

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Posted by Divine Outlaw-Dwarf (# 2252) on :
 
Karen.
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Dear Father Tuatt,

Our hearts go out to all of you at St. Bastard's during this time of terrible tragedy. I know you and the congregation must be heartbroken.

But just remember, the church is not the building. The church is the people. Thank-God no lives were lost. That's the important thing.

God works in mysterious ways and every cloud has a silver lining. This could be a blessing in disguise, or perhaps a blessing of an extremely obvious kind.

Thank goodness the building was insured! Now you will have a chance to build an inclusive, user-friendly multi-purpose worship space suited to the needs of the twentyfirst century.

Please keep us posted on the doings of the building committee.

Peace, Love, and above all, Hope,
An American Friend

p.s.: Enclosed please find five dollars towards your building fund.
 

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Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
Dear Fr Tuatt,

My best wishes for a speedy recovery.

The unfortunate incident reminds me of a storefront church down the street from me -- the Church on Fire Revival Center. I'm also reminded of an exhortation I heard from a revivalist radio preacher years ago to "set your church on fire."

As trying as recent events may be, it's heartening to see that American revivalism has influenced your parish.

Oh, Bishop Cool asked me to pass on his best wishes.

God bless,

The Incredibly Reverend Mark T. Punk
 

---

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
Do let us know, won't you old chap, what Fr Tuatt says when he comes round.

And keep us updated on his progress.

Saying 50 Simultaneous Rosaries for his recovery

BTW where can I get a pair of 5 inch heels in the liturgical colour of Gaudete Sunday? Special feasts and all that...
 

---

Posted by kingsfold (# 1726) on :
 
Nunc, have you tried Ann Summers?
 

---

Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
ENTHUSIASTIC AMATEURS NEEDED for our Christmas show. Anyone and everyone welcome to join in our specially written comedy drama about Anglican mission in the Wild West, "Gunfight at the OK Choral Evensong". All enquiries: the Verger, Mary Twerp (Miss).
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I have a feeling that the parish of St. Bastard's and the Nibbles must be in the Diocese of Wenchoster. If not, it should be......
 

---

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
Dear Miss Twerp.

I'd like to enquire about the role of bishop in the proposed Christmas show thingy that St Bastards is putting on.

Would it be permissable for this bishop to wear the following outfit? I think s/he could pose as one of the dancing-persons missioning at the bar:

Black stiletto heels
Black fishnet stockings
Black suspenders
Black feathered G-string
Black Victorian corset
Black elbow-length gloves
White Anglican collar (no stock).

Over the top of this would be an alb, with lace from the waist. And perched on the dancer's head, a mitre covered in sparkly bits. The crook would of course be part of the routine.

I am sure we could concoct a "preach it" routine... Tying into the idea of mission and so on. You know how these young people today like funky stuff.

And I think there should be a scene wherein the bishop intervenes in the street fight outside, preaching a message of *ahem* love and love-making.

I'd volunteer myself for the role, but for the fact that I think a guy would be far more suited, and infinitely more *charismatically appealing*.

For this purpose, might I suggest the following people who would be prepared to volunteer?

Pyx_e
Fiddleback
Anselmina
Duchess
Sine Nomine
Anglicanrascal


Regards

Nunc Dimittis

PS. If one of the above consents to perform the bishop, I'm happy to perform according to my name, as the Nunc of the whole thing. It is to be Evensong, isn't it. Guess that means we'll need a Magnificat, a Creed, some Responses, an Anthem, and the Prayer of St Chrysostom... It'd depend on which libretto *ahem* liturgy you were going to use. Do let me know, and i'll rustle up some friends... ND.

[ 16. December 2003, 01:13: Message edited by: Nunc Dimittis ]
 

---

Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
I can bring out my boots and cowboy hat and play a rootin tootin Texan.
 

---

Posted by Magnum Mysterium (# 3418) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
Would it be permissable for this bishop to wear the following outfit? I think s/he could pose as one of the dancing-persons missioning at the bar:

Black stiletto heels
Black fishnet stockings
Black suspenders
Black feathered G-string
Black Victorian corset
Black elbow-length gloves
White Anglican collar (no stock).

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by MarkthePunk:
I can bring out my boots and cowboy hat and play a rootin tootin Texan.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Magnum Mysterium:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
Would it be permissable for this bishop to wear the following outfit? I think s/he could pose as one of the dancing-persons missioning at the bar:

Black stiletto heels
Black fishnet stockings
Black suspenders
Black feathered G-string
Black Victorian corset
Black elbow-length gloves
White Anglican collar (no stock).

---

Dear Father Dimittis,

The Verger seems to think that your inventory for the bishop is inappropriate - not the nature of the apparel, per se, but the colour of same. Would not an episcopal purple be far more, ahem, fitting, for his Lordship?

Yours,

Magnum Mysterium (Mr)
Executive Assistant to the Verger
Polisher of the Verge
General nuisance to all others.

---

Oh of course. My bad. But the mitre should be gold and white, i think. For missions, you know.
 

---

Posted by Rhisiart (# 69) on :
 
As memory serves, Nunc, don't you have the appropriate corset for His Grace to use in the service?

I am pleased to see this thread reach two pages, which is more than the St Bastard's Parish Magazine has ever done. dyfrig, as our contact with this suffering parish, can you tell us how Fr Tuatt and his parishioners are planning to celebrate the holy mysteries of Christmas - sorry, Virginmas - this year?
 

---

Posted by Divine Outlaw-Dwarf (# 2252) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by dyfrig:
ENTHUSIASTIC AMATEURS NEEDED for our Christmas show. Anyone and everyone welcome to join in our specially written comedy drama about Anglican mission in the Wild West, "Gunfight at the OK Choral Evensong". All enquiries: the Verger, Mary Twerp (Miss).

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:

Would it be permissable for this bishop to wear the following outfit....?

---

The role of Brian Brindley will be played by Brian Blessed.
 

---

Posted by MarkE (# 4660) on :
 
Only just got round to reading this thread.

All I can say is Dyfrig.
 

---

Posted by Puppycat (# 4941) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by MarkE:
Only just got round to reading this thread.

All I can say is Dyfrig.

---

Me too. I love it. Hard to keep from laughing out loud as I read, I'm at work and they'd be asking me what I'm up to if I started cracking up.

 

---

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 

quote:

---

As memory serves, Nunc, don't you have the appropriate corset for His Grace to use in the service?

---

I am sure arrangements can be made...
 

---

Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
I now understand the meaning of the phrase "incandescant with rage".

I have also learned that there are far more swear words in the English language than I thought.

It had been a quiet weekend in the burns unit. Then, after he'd had the parish magazine delivered to his bedside, Father went ballistic.

Whether it is actually appropriate for a man of the cloth to use that sort of language about the verger is a moot point - I shall have to check Canon Law when I get home - but we were certainly grateful that Father was stuck to his bed with a tube up his nose, otherwise there could have been some serious damage.

Anyway, the reason for his diatribe was that the blasted verger Mary has been throwing her weight about since the fire. Not only has she carried on with the Christmas play despite everything, she has also pushed through a couple of emergency measures at PCC!

As of last Thursday, the St Bastard New Living Water Church Plant has been officially resident at the School (meetings 11am and 6pm Sundays), - AND it has also appointed Pastor Clint Oris to provide interim pastoral care!

The Bishop is coming on Friday - the night of the play. Oh my God.
 

---

Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
The Bishop is coming?

Didn't all your tat get burned up in the fire? How can you properly recieve a Bishop without an excess of tat?

Your parish is in my prayers, dyfrig.
 

---

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
There's nothing worse than a verger who does not take the tradition of his or her role with the extreme seriousness it deserves...
 

---

Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
IMPORTANT NOTICE

Due to the current situation, the Feast of Pinochet, General and Martyr, will be celebrated at the home of Mr & Mrs Tuatt (please bring your own missals).

Propers for Evening Prayer::

Psalms LVIII, LXXXII
I Samuel I, vv. 5 to 15
Matthew I, vv. 1 to 8 & 15 to 18

Anthem: Denethor (Tolkein)
Volunteers for the choir needed.

[ 19. January 2004, 13:57: Message edited by: dyfrig ]
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
you rang?
I can sing in runes, if required.
 

---

Posted by basso (# 4228) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
you rang?
I can sing in runes, if required.

---

I can sing in tune, if required.

b.
 

---

Posted by jlg (# 98) on :
 
Spanish and Latin; alto.

Many years experience acting as though nothing is wrong during liturgical musical disasters.
 

---

Posted by Magnum Mysterium (# 3418) on :
 
Will Benediction follow Evening Prayer at this feast?

Happy to conduct the choir, if a minimum tat quota is met.
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Well I intend to bring my choir robes; but can someone please lend me a missal.
Which chant book would you like me to bring for the psalms - The (New) Cathedral Chant Book, red or blue, zero starred, one starred, or two starred version? Surely not the all-in-one Parish Psalter? And is the pointing as in the Oxford Psalter? Important information is lacking here, Dyfrig.
 

---

Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
Dear friends,

It was my spiritual director, Father Eric Hunt, who often reminded me to check the readings before a service - the Old Testament reading for the forthcoming festival should, of course, be from chapter XIII. Many thanks to Lolita Brightley for pointing out my error!

We all know why we have to meet "unofficially" for this feast, so I won't go into the details here. Suffice to say that myself and the Curate are exploring every avenue, ecclesiastical and legal, to challenge the bishop's shameful decision to remove our licenses on Christmas Day. Ironically, it was good king Charles II who barred those dreadful Dissenters from holding conventicals - now we find ourselves having to the same, upholding the true faith against episcopal error. Like the holy martyrs before us, we are now forced to meet in secret, fearful that any minute the authorities will break down the door and haul us off to the Collusseum. I'm sure it's not escaped anyone's notice that these events occurred in the 70th year from the rise of the Nazis in Germany. Let the reader understand.

Keep heart, dear friends - it is only because of brave souls like us that the true flame has burnt in England! Volunteers for the washing up rota are especially welcome.

Your Father in god,

Derek.

[ 20. January 2004, 09:53: Message edited by: dyfrig ]
 

---

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
I'll do the washing up. Goes with the job of being an organist you know.
 

---

Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
Dear friends,

Do I hear an "Amen"?

A great apostle I once knew, Brother Nigel Hitler, often reminded me to check the Spirit before a service - the message last Sunday was, of course, based on the story of the story of the man born blind and not Onan. Many thanks to Sister Sian for pointing out my error!

We all know why we have to meet in the school., so I won't go into the details here. Suffice to say that myself and Sub-Pastor Presley are exploring all avenues in finding a more conducive setting for bringing the gospel to this town. Do I hear an "Amen"?. The persecution we suffer should surprise no-one. Like the holy martyrs before us, we are now forced to meet in secret, fearful that any minute the authorities will break down the door and haul us off to the Collusseum. I'm sure it's not escaped anyone's notice that last year was the 70th year from the rise of the Nazis in Germany. Let the reader understand.

Do I hear an "Amen"?

Keep heart, dear friends - it is only because of brave souls like us that the true flame has burnt in Britain! Volunteers for the washing up rota are especially welcome.

Your brother, spiritual father, pastor and mentor in God,

Clinton Zebediah Oris III.
 

---

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :
 
Oh, what the heck.

Amen, then.
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Aaaa-Men. Thank-you Jeeee-sus. Praise the Lord.

(Pass the ammunition.)
 

---

Posted by Divine Outlaw-Dwarf (# 2252) on :
 
(sings) Faith of our fathers, living still, in spite of dungeon, fire and sword...

[ 05. February 2004, 11:55: Message edited by: Divine Outlaw-Dwarf ]
 

---

Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
My! So much time has passed and so much has happened since the last newsletter. Could we be updated as to how Father Clinton came to St. Bastard's?

And how is the (former?) rector doing? The poor man.

Oh, and, uh, amen. (I get a bit confused when something isn't in the BCP. )
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Chorister opens her well-thumbed 'Messiah' copy up at the last 6 pages. Now, it was an Amen you wanted, right?

Pants, Dies Irae and Garfield join in. Everyone else tries to shut them up......
 

---

Posted by Autobailer (# 5357) on :
 
*inserts earplugs*

*Joins in singing as horribly off key as he can manage*
 

---

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 

quote:

---

Keep heart, dear friends - it is only because of brave souls like us that the true flame has burnt in Britain! Volunteers for the washing up rota are especially welcome.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rhisiart:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chorister:
Mr. Cool wishes it to be known that he would rather not be known by the more traditional title of Fr. but by the rather more 'user-friendly' one of Daddy.

---

As in:

"Daddy, Daddy Cool..."

?

---

 

---

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
Or Sweet Sweet Precious Precious Sweet Daddy?


 

---

Posted by Siegfried (# 29) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
Or Sweet Sweet Precious Precious Sweet Daddy?

---

oh crap


[ 09. February 2004, 17:43: Message edited by: Siegfried ]
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Hey, that's everybody's all-time favorite MW report. Reading it always cheers me up if I'm down.
 

---

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 
We still periodically get complaints about it.
 

---

Posted by Pax Britannica (# 1876) on :
 
No longer -- the pre-2002 reports have all been culled. Cap'n's orders. See thread on Styx.

So what will now cheer Sine Nomine up?
 

---

Posted by Sine Nomine (# 3631) on :
 
Liquor.

But aside from that, I copied it last year.
 

---

Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
From: Bishop Windward Miller <wyme@blessedvirgin.net>
To: Archdeacon Vernon Snodely <grantley@barchester.com>
Date: 24 Feb 04
Subject: These turbulent priests

Look, I don't give a flying buttress what any of them said. Bottom line is this: Tuatt isn't fit to oversee a stationary cupboard, Langley-Williams is better of somewhere else (like the Falklands) and if the rest of 'em want to go and play with Mr Oris and his band of fundies that's entirely up to them - sadly we no longer imprison people for not being Anglican. Who goes to Bastardville is ultimately my choice. I'm bloody bishop here, matey boy. Frankly, I'm minded to Pastoral Measure the dump out of existence and put them in with Mother Mary and her "friend" over at St Jezebel's - they'd love her Vaginal Mass, I'm sure.

That's an end of it, do you understand?
 

---

Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
Dear Fr Tuatt and the orthodox faithful brethern of St. Bastards,

It has come to our attention that you are being persecuted by your revisionist bishop. Our prayers are with you. Please contact us if we can be of assistance, perhaps with AEO. (+Cool calls it Awesome Episcopal Oversight. haha)

Yours in Christ,
Canon Joe Cannon
director, More Anglican Than Thou International
 

---

Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
Well, that's it. All done and dusted. Quite a difficult service, but this has been a difficult benefice.

The congregation gathered near the ruins of the church in four distinct groups because of the increasingly bitter infighting in the congregations.

Bishop Windy Millar led the larger group of middle-of-the-roaders; Bishop Eric Hunt, auxiliary suffragen of Mother-cum-Lightly (with special responsibility for parishes that have passed resolution C) led a smaller group who weren't happy to accept communion at the hands of +Windy; the country parson Dalziel Menzies-Duplessis-Grouyer was brought in by the local branch of the English Prayer Book Club to offer alternative presidential oversight to those who were out of communion with the Archdeacon; and Mother Confabula Stitch of the Catholic United National Trusteeship (who are technically out of communion even with themselves) had three people with her behind a gravestone.

A long altar was laid through the churchyard, each president taking his or her place along it, and "concelebrating" the Sacrifice of the Communion of the Lord's Holy Supper Altar-Table - insofar as people using Rite A, Order Two (Traditional), the Roman Rite and the BCP can be said to be concelebrating.

The worship band played, "Lord we really just want to sing of how just wonderful you are and I just wanna love you" to Howells in Ab minor and Fr Tolstoy was dug up to express his new ministry of liturgical dance on the theme of "Unity".

At the end of the service, +Windy read out the official legal documents that officially closed the church, dissolved the parish and granted the cure of souls to the Rector of Great Porridge. There was some disruption when two groups of protestors - members of the United Free Bible-believing Church of the True Living Spirit of Christ and the Continuing Catholic Apostolic Anglican One Holy Church - got into a fight over who got the overhead projector.

We were then exhorted to go forth in the peace of Christ.

And then we all went home.

THE END
 

---

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
:killing me:

I hope that wasn't the end of St Bastard's and the Nibbles altogether...
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Dyfrig is rather good at ending things with a flourish leaving you clamouring for more of the same.

But I have a funny feeling we haven't heard the last of the Nibbles yet.....
 

---

Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
What a wonderful ending to a God-awful parish.
 

---

Posted by Magnum Mysterium (# 3418) on :
 
Was mulled wine served afterwards?
 

---

Posted by jlg (# 98) on :
 
Surveys the mess left behind after the services. Purses her lips, takes a few swipes with her mobcap, and begins cleaing up...

Tat and prayers, this book and that book, thuribles, beeswax, this has to be linen, that has to be a special color, gotta walk the right direction! Candle wax on the altar cloths, soot from the thurible, water stains from all that sprinkling fol-de-rol.

Then the other groups! Guitars and wires lying everywhichway and everywhere. Millions of photocopied song sheets left lying about. Grape juice stains on the pew cushions.

But do any of them know how to clean up after themselves? Noooooooo.....

It all looks the same to the charwoman, it does.

...wanders off, still mumbling to herself.
 

---

Posted by Sacristan (# 3548) on :
 
Excuse us...
Anglo-Catholics always keep a neat sacristy. One must be able to access everything at a moment's notice. What if there were a sudden need for tat for an emergency "Ordination of Sub-Deacons and Solemn Pontifical High Mass in the Presence of A Greater Prelate and The Most Holy Sacrament Exposed, together with May Crowning and the Rogation Procession?" A place for everything and everything in its place.
 

---

Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
From the More Anglican Digest, the newsletter of More Anglican Than Thou International:

Faithful, Orthodox, Godly Parish Closed!

As we sent this newsletter to the presses, it came to our attention that the good faithful people of St. Bastard's and the Nibbles had their parish closed by their dictatorial revisionist bishop.

The Dang Right Reverend Mark Cool said he was disturbed by this development. "Man, I am bummed. I had just finished 1928 BCP Morning Prayer on the beach for my surfer dudes when I heard the news. It definitely blew my vibe."

Bishop Cool will look further into this. "Yeah, if we have to stand up to the man, or woman as it may be, we'll do it. We may establish a new parish under my Awesome Episcopal Oversight or AEO, bro. But I'll talk to ya later, man. I gotta catch some waves to help me chill out."

We'll let you know of any new developments in our next newsletter.
 

---

Posted by RuthW (# 13) on :
 
Mark, you have claimed to be in Texas for lo these many years (lo these many, count 'em, lo these many). But that post was straight out of Orange County, California. shudder
 

---

Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
Ruth, I bet you didn't know I was so multicultural, did you?

As for Bishop Cool, he is down with tha dudes and tha brothas, whereever they may be.
 

---

Posted by peapod (# 7018) on :
 
Just starting out and found this thread.

what an awful parish! Still at least they seemed to agree that it is permissible to sing in church.

Who got the overhead projector?

Peapod
 

---

Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
(Part 94)

UP4IT

The Official Newsletter of ELIABWACU
(The East Lincolnshire Institute of Agriculture and Basket Weaving Christian Union)

Advance Warning!

In September, Jezebel Mekon is taking a group to the national convention of the Sacramental Society. This year it's called "Jesus H Christ! - Just go to Mass, already". Anyone wanting to go on the trip or join the SS should speak to Jezebel after Prayer Breakfast & Benediction in the portakabin.
 

---

Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
Headline from More Anglican Digest:

Jezebels and Blaspheming Basketweavers Take Over Formerly Godly Orthodox Parish!


(Yeaaa! The Parish Mag of St. Bastard's is back! )
 

---

Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
The News of the Church, 31 January 2005, page 94

WANTED: Ordained minister for Legit! (formerly St Bastard's Parish Church), to assist in running of new Anglican worship centre and outreach cafe. A traditional parish needs clergy with their fingers on the nub of youth. Cottas provided, but please bring own flannelgraph. Previous applicants need not apply. Enquiries to Obadiah Mekon, 37 The Swallows, Westerbury.
 

---

Posted by Rev per Minute (# 69) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by dyfrig:
WANTED: Ordained minister for Legit! (formerly St Bastard's Parish Church)...<snip>

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by dyfrig:
The News of the Church, 31 January 2005, page 94

WANTED: Ordained minister for Legit! (formerly St Bastard's Parish Church), to assist in running of new Anglican worship centre and outreach cafe. A traditional parish needs clergy with their fingers on the nub of youth. Cottas provided, but please bring own flannelgraph. Previous applicants need not apply. Enquiries to Obadiah Mekon, 37 The Swallows, Westerbury.

---

And how exactly is Legit! a "traditional parish" if its main description is as a "new Anglican worship centre and outreach cafe"?

Or were you referring, rather, to the tradition of ordained ministers having their "finger(s) on the nub of youth"?

Does the Bishop know? Is Deacon Mekon being a naughty man?


 

---

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
Oh and, methinks the Parish Magazine of St Bastards and the Nibbles needs a change of title, seeing as what's left of the burning hulk is merely to become a "traditional Anglican worship centre" with "outreach cafe" attached...
 

---

Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
Hi. I'm not in at the moment - though if you're a burglar that's not an invitation to come and look around the house - but if you'd like to leave a message, please speak after the beep

beep

It's Obadiah here.

Just a few ideas about the interview process. It needs to be thorough and simple, so maybe each of the applicants needs to draft a sermon, then do a presentation on managing conflicting interests in the Church. Then we'd have a formal interview, with a panel of about 18 stakeholders, possibly with a sub-group or two for particular issues like worship and ecumenical matters. Then a meet-and-greet with the whole Church - the candidates can come and have buffet evening with us all, with an anonymised comments box system so we can have feedback from the congregation. Then on day two each one should be asked to lead a eucharistic service in keeping with what they think the ethos of the project will be. Day three will be deliberation by the panel whilst the candidates do the assault course - I've spoken with the Army and the camp can fit them in.

How does that? Talk to you soon.
 

---

Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
Dear Mekon,

I would hereby like to formally withdraw my application for any sort of ministry at what remainds of St Bastards, due to the overly gruelling nature of your interview process. I think the ordination process is tough enough without some bunch of hillbillies attempting to make one leave one's rubber on the road...



With thanks,

Nunc Dimittis
 

---

Posted by Mertseger (# 4534) on :
 
My wife and I are looking for new opportunities, and a place which shares our unique vision. We have been on the forefront of where youth spirituality is moving, and have ample experience in engaging a community in a lively process of exploration. If you are willing to help us both find positions over there, and are willing to consider a couple of "Yanks", we would certainly like to be considered for the position.

Sincerely,
Rev. Bill Melnyk

P.S. Just how far away would Stonehenge be from the Parish?
 

---

Posted by 103 (One-O-Three) (# 5846) on :
 
My Dear friends at St B's,

Hello! My name is Father Noel and I would love to apply as your new parish priest!
During my time as a Parish Priest, I have been involved in youth events such as "4GODSAKEGETDOWNTHOSESTAIRSANDBRUSHYOURTEETHYOURELATEFORCHURCH!"
and "Drummin' 4 Jesus!"
I'm very charismatic in tradition and I will scare off all the old people if needed. Youth will have no option but to come to church as they will be put onto endless rotas, thus giving them no choice but to be assistant-assistant-assistant-thurifer!

I look forward to hearing your reply:

Father Noel Furlong
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Could I skip the sermon and just come for the buffet? I've been told by the Lord that I have a ministry of eating.
 

---

Posted by Rowen (# 1194) on :
 
G'day, mate! I would like to apply for your ministry stuff there. Whilst it is true that I am
* living in the wrong country
* in a different denomination and
* possibly not the gender you want for the job,

I nevertheless believe I am the right person to be made the clergy person in your parish. I could really make a difference in the way your parish operates, as not only will I introduce the communicants to vegemite, but, after almost 2 decades of Oz ministry, I am very familar with the strange behaviour of all kinds of mammals- kangaroos, wombats, human being and crocodiles. I my last ministry position, I regularly drove to meetings 700 kms away, and this alone gives me a feel for a rural parish, such as yours.... In my current position, I have been chaplain in a psychiatric unit, and I have developed skills and giftings in this area. I am sure these would be useful in your church and surrounds.
This brief description of my credentials and experience can be enhanced by my sending you my 27 page resume/CV, if desired, including the names of refereees (namely my Mum, who unfortunately died before I was ordained, but who left behind a letter telling my Dad how nice a person I am, and the other referee is my current housemate, Nunc, who can vouch for my tea-making abilities and giftings in using a garden broom...)
Anyway, hope to hear positively from you folk very soon.
Yours sincerely,
Rowen in Oz.
 

---

Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rowen:
...the other referee is my current housemate, Nunc, who can vouch for my tea-making abilities and giftings in using a garden broom...)
Anyway, hope to hear positively from you folk very soon.
Yours sincerely,
Rowen in Oz.

---

I would urge the selectors to think very carefully indeed before considering the above candidate. 'Garden broom' indeed! The next thing you know there'll be black cats in the morning service and all manner of 'unsound' goings-ons.
 

---

Posted by dj_ordinaire (# 4643) on :
 
But... but... he's called Rowan (or something homonymous...) - he has to be employed!
 

---

Posted by Rev per Minute (# 69) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
Oh and, methinks the Parish Magazine of St Bastards and the Nibbles needs a change of title, seeing as what's left of the burning hulk is merely to become a "traditional Anglican worship centre" with "outreach cafe" attached...

---

It needs a name with panache and style, that reflects the mixture of the traditional and the new, and reflects the mixture of food colouring and arsenic that appears to be the Church of England's preferred brand of coffee...

What about 'Ecclesiantics'?
 

---

Posted by Miffy (# 1438) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rev per Minute:

quote:

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Originally posted by Nunc Dimittis:
Oh and, methinks the Parish Magazine of St Bastards and the Nibbles needs a change of title, seeing as what's left of the burning hulk is merely to become a "traditional Anglican worship centre" with "outreach cafe" attached...

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It needs a name with panache and style, that reflects the mixture of the traditional and the new, and reflects the mixture of food colouring and arsenic that appears to be the Church of England's preferred brand of coffee...*

What about 'Ecclesiantics'?

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• Open with rendition of Queen's "We will Rock you" at full volume through PA system, mixing into "Little Jesus, sweetly sleep"
• Picking up on the "coat of fur" reference, launch into detailed analysis of why fox-hunting should not be banned
• Provide Hellenistic background to beginning of John's gospel
• Include the teenagers! Get them to dance round the church with streamers

• Bizarre young man. Needs a haircut.
• Fr Tuatt looks a lot better. Younger, too.
• Has slight obsession with banning pot pourri. I think that's what he said, anyway.
• Excellent young man. Will make good minister.
  (This one initialled JCF.)

DAY TWO

We did encounter a problem here, as Wesley is not yet ordained (He's not even a Reader!). However, he showed us a print-out of this site assuring us that his licence was in the post. We allowed him to preside, but decided that the Mass would be invalid.

The service started well, with a rousing rendition of "Majesty, worship his Majesty", and a roller-skate procession through our newly carpeted mission hall. After the confession, there was a pause. The organist nudged Wesley, and muttered, "Absolution", to which he replied, "God does that, doesn't he?"

The sermon was all we'd come to expect from Wesley, followed by a recitation of his previous church's doctrinal statment. The intercessions included prayers for the conversion of the country of the Vatican City (sic).
He struggled through the Eucharistic prayer. When we came to the distribution of the elements, he put a cassette into his hi-fi and encouraged us to dance down the aisle to receive Communion to the strains of the "Hokey Cokey."

DAY THREE

It took some time to get Wesley dressed for the assault course, but he eventually managed to put on his cassock, surplice, stole and chasuble on in the right order. When we got out onto the course, it was raining, so Wesley gave his umbrella to little Karen Beasley to keep her dry. If it hadn't been for the thunderstorm and the fact that Karen's metal plate was touching the umbrella handle, this would have been alright.*

Wesley made it round the course in reasonable time, and the thurible only needed relighting five times, although there was an anxious moment when his chasuble got tangled in the aerial-runway harness. Afterwards, he was heard to mutter darkly, "If I get the job, I'll get rid of these dress things first."

Afterwards, he joined in a game of football with the youth group. (See under Cassocks United, here)


* Prayers for Karen's recovery will be said at Mass later.

Summary

We felt that Wesley was an enthusiastic young man with a calling, and an amazing talent. We are, as yet, uncertain as to the direction of his calling, and the nature of his talent.
 

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Posted by Arabella Purity Winterbottom (# 3434) on :
 
Dear Rowan,
The committee has considered your application and would like to suggest that you explore your gifts in teamaking further. The church desperately needs more women who have the gift of domestic skills. Little Karen's mother, Mrs Beasley, is sadly unable to make a cup of tea, not surprisingly, due to her troubles, and we wonder if you would consider becoming part of our parish to exercise your ministry of food and drink.

Since you clearly know your strengths, we encourage you to explore them further, since each of us serves in the way we are called. You are obviously called, as many good women before you were, to serve.

Yours sincerely
(illegible signature)
 

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Posted by dyfrig (# 15) on :
 
[jingle]

ANNOUNCER: And welcome back to the Westerbury Radio Vicar Contest, where things are hotting up as we go over to our last jury, the village of Clitterfiddle. Can you hear me, Nancy?

NANCY SHAND: Hello David! Can I ju-

ANNOUNCER: Hello Nancy! Do-

NANCY: Sorry?

ANNOUNCER: No, aft-

NANCY: I think there's a delay on the - pardon?

[pause]

ANNOUNCER: Do you have-

NANCY: I have the-

BOTH: Results of the Clitterfiddle jury.

NANCY: Vernon Chesterfield - one point.
Gertrude Hermione Whipsnade - two points.
Jeremy Hummerstone - three points.

ANNOUNCER: Er, sorry Nancy, he wasn't one of the contesta-

NANCY: Elfed Presley - four points.
Barry Flood (deceased) - five points.
Clayton Shute - six points
Eleanor of Aquitaine - seven points
Bishop Markus T. Punk of Yo! - eight points
Nigel "Nigel" Hitler - 10 points
Emily Spoon - twelve points
And that concludes the votes of the Clitterfiddle jury.

ANNOUNCER: Thank you Nancy, and good

NANCY: Goodnight, D- what?

ANNOUNCER: ....Er, right, so with that we can see the top of the table. In third place is General Augusto Pinochet of 882, a bit of a surprise showing from him; second is Bishop Markus T. Punk, with an excellent 1,005.25; but well in the lead and the winner of the contest, and therefore the new Ecumenical Team Partnership Anglican Leading Rector for St Bastard's and the Nibbles is, with a total of 8,424,753 is EMILY SPOON!

[applause]

ANNOUNCER: We'll be back soon where we'll hopefully get Emily to talk to us!

[jingle]
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
And I thought I was being original in organising a poll for the new Bishop. I now realising that I was just reliving an old St. Bastard's thread.

Is Emily Spoon another Ratzinger, or is she altogether more malleable?
 

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Posted by Nunc Dimittis (# 848) on :
 
I hope that as an ordained woman, her main concerns are:

- a preoccupation with the evils of unusual piercings
- a desire to lead the church into the centrality of warm fuzziness as exhibited by a hermeneutic of narcissism
- a passion for the minutiae of tea cosies: their construction, materials, and the dialectic of their socio-rhetorical locus
 

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Posted by Anselmina (# 3032) on :
 
Nunc, you've forgotten the other stipulations:

- the development of the use of chiffon during the 'worship time':
- liturgically coordinated toe-nail polish, with special open-topped sanctuary slippers so those kneeling to receive at the altar can get the full experience:
- the exchange of fat-free, organic recipes at the peace.
 

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Posted by Leetle Masha (# 8209) on :
 

quote:

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those kneeling to receive at the altar

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What a quaint custom, Anselmina!
 

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Posted by Anselmina (# 3032) on :
 
Some Anglicans are very quaint! It's my own preferred way to receive, and has been all my life .
 

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Posted by dj_ordinaire (# 4643) on :
 
'Tis an English custom to be as quaint as poss. at all times, 'specially when the 'Mericans are about. Presumably this leaves ECUSAns with a bit of a split personality but omlettes, dear boy, omlettes...

Congratulations to S. Bastards anyroads - now any chance of those drive-by Benedictions I was promised in exchange for rigging the phone vote?
 

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Posted by MarkthePunk (# 683) on :
 
Dear Devil-recking rectors of the Diocese of Yo!

I just heard the gnarliest idea -- drive-in benedictions! Or in certain neighborhoods, drive-by benedictions!

Please consider implementing these for your parishes.

All coolness in Christ,

Markus T. P. Cool, Bishop of Yo!
 

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Posted by Archbishop Paddy O'Laud (# 9294) on :
 
Do let me know if the structure suffers from sick building syndrome or such. I'll be happy to let you use Saint Dionysius the Dismal over at Nibble Parva whilst the necessary remedial work is done. Regards to Mother Angelica.
 

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