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Source: (consider it)
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Thread: Heaven: Harry Potter alternative endings
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starbelly
but you can call me Neil
# 25
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Posted
...and then Harry woke up, it was all the most long and convoluted dream ever dreamt, he was not a wizard at all, he was a small geeky boy called Derek from Bromsgrove who liked nothing better than to play on his Nintendo and eat spaghetti hoops. THE END.
[ 21. May 2008, 20:06: Message edited by: Belisarius ]
Posts: 6009 | From: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. | Registered: May 2001
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FCB
Hillbilly Thomist
# 1495
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Posted
Boy, am I glad you didn't write the books.
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Agent of the Inquisition since 1982.
Posts: 2928 | From: that city in "The Wire" | Registered: Oct 2001
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kitejan
Apprentice
# 4028
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Posted
... and then suddenly Kreacher took the final Horcrux from Harry's hand and yelled "My precious, my preciousssss - it's mine!" whilst dancing on the edge of Mount Doom. Without warning the crumbling rock gave way and he fell screaming into the raging fire beneath. The Eye of Voldemort shook and Malfoy Manor was cast down. Voldemort was finally defeated - the third age had ended!
Harry and his faithful servent Ronwise set off back to Hogwartiton and lived happily ever after. THE END.
[ 24. July 2007, 12:59: Message edited by: kitejan ]
Posts: 26 | From: Sheffield, UK | Registered: Jan 2003
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
19 Years Later
It was a crisp autumn day when Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny and their assorted children were standing on Platform 9 3/4 waiting for the train.
"Dad," said Albus, "why did you give me such a silly name?"
"Your mother insisted," said Harry. "It wasn't my idea. Anyway, if you think you have a silly name, what about young Scorpius?"
Ginny was giving him the raised-eyebrow treatment but Harry chose to ignore it.
"At least you can shorten it to Score," said Albus sulkily. "I just get called Bus and people snigger about waiting for me for ages."
"Let them," said Ginny. "It was your father's idea, anyway." She glared at Harry. "At least you bothered to turn up and see your son off."
"Wouldn't miss it for anything," said Draco behind them. "You two boys got everything you want for the journey now?"
Albus and Scorpius looked at each other, nodded and grinned. "We're all set."
"Right, well, go and get settled, then" said Harry. He looked at his watch. "I'm going to be late. I'm on the afternoon shift and if I'm not there by half two - "
"Relax," said Ron. "It's special circumstances. I'm not going to sack you or deduct it from your pay. Just make sure there's my usual kingsize and fries waiting for me when I get there."
"I wish you wouldn't eat that stuff," said Hermione irritably. "What's wrong with my cooking?"
"Cheers Ron, you always were a good friend," said Harry gratefully and hurried off before Ron could start to reply.
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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starbelly
but you can call me Neil
# 25
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Posted
And before Harry could defeat the evil lord, in what would have been a certain victory, he took a bite of a Snickers bar and died instantly of an undiagnosed nut allergy. THE END.
Posts: 6009 | From: High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. | Registered: May 2001
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Drifting Star
Drifting against the wind
# 12799
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Posted
Voldemort lowered his wand and said, 'Come over to the Dark Side, Harry. You can be Seeker on our Quidditch team.'
Harry thought for a moment. 'Yeah, OK then,' he replied.
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The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Heraclitus
Posts: 3126 | From: A thin place. | Registered: Jul 2007
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kitejan
Apprentice
# 4028
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Posted
Voldemort looked Harry in the eyes and said "It is true - you are my son".
Harry said "Dad?"
"Yes. I am your father. Lily left me for James. I returned to Goodric's Hollow for my weekly visit, but they wouldnt let me in to see you. And so in a fit of rage I cursed them. You know how it is."
At last Harry had the family he had always dreamed of. And so he and Voldemort joined forces and ruled all humanity, both magical and muggles, for all of eternity as they had in their grasp all of the Deathly Hallows. THE END.
Posts: 26 | From: Sheffield, UK | Registered: Jan 2003
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Organ Builder
Shipmate
# 12478
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Posted
Harry sees the Malfoys looking confused, and goes over to comfort them. He and Draco finally hit it off. Draco shows Harry a few new bits of "wand technique". They decide to ship Lucius and Narcissa off to Florida and redecorate Malfoy Manor in Mid-Century Modern. After a few years they redecorate the Dungeon as a Leather "Rec Room".
Hermione comforts Ginny, and they decide to move in together. They adopt about 60 cats, and become vegetarians. Hermione continues to knit hats and scarves, while Ginny goes to work at the local DIY center.
Ron becomes Minister of Magic. He never gets married, but his counterpart in France keeps him supplied with veela secretaries.
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How desperately difficult it is to be honest with oneself. It is much easier to be honest with other people.--E.F. Benson
Posts: 3337 | From: ...somewhere in between 40 and death... | Registered: Mar 2007
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Vikki Pollard
Shipmate
# 5548
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Posted
Harry looked at Dumbledore in awe, feasting his eyes on the man he had missed so much. There was so much he wanted him to explain.
"We don't have much time. I can only answer one of your questions before you return."
Harry had expected this. He had his question ready.
"Was Hermione right? Was what she said true?" His heart beat faster than a Goblin Thwurtle Clock.
Dumbledore slowly raised his eyes to meet Harry's.
"I'm sorry," he said gently. "She was wrong."
"Then..?" Harry felt as though his world was ending once more.
"Yes." The voice was almost inaudible, infinite gentleness breaking the ultimate bad news.
"Harry - she was wrong. Size Matters."
"Shit." Harry thought back to those reviews of his appearance at the Diagon Theatre. He suddenly became conscious of his nakedness and his hands flew to his lap.
"Here." Dumbledore smiled. "Have a Fygge Leaf."
A rumbling noise heralded the arrival of the Ten past October train.
"Might as well get on this one, then." Harry mumbled. "S'long, Dumbledore."
"Goodbye, Harry."
Harry walked along the platform and paused, wondering if Dumbledore would answer one last question. He turned.
"What would have happened if I'd gone back?"
Now it was Dumbledore's turn to look embarrassed.
"Well actually, Harry, there wouldn't have been much point. The Thames Flood Barrier's jammed and most of London is underwater. The Forest of Dean is now the Western Lake, the Dreaming Spires of Oxford are wrapped with pondweed, and there are only four people left alive in the whole of England."
"Right-oh." Harry suddenly felt more cheerful. True, he had spent his entire adolescence following some bizarre path which had turned out to lead to his inevitable death, and missed out on a few shags on the way, but what the heck. Who knew what adventures lay ahead?
"Bye then!" he said, more cheerfully this time. Unfortunately, his foot slipped just as the train arrived, and the last thing he knew (again) was the excited whistling of several young hags as he fell beneath the train in all his naked glory.
Dumbledore watched the scene unfold with a quiet smile of satisfaction.
"Write a sequel to this, Rowling!" he muttered under his breath.
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"I don't get all this fuss about global warming, Miss. Why doesn't the Government just knock down all the f**king greenhouses?" (One of my slightly less bright 15 year old pupils)
Posts: 5695 | From: The Far Side | Registered: Feb 2004
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
Harry ends his days relaxing in his sitting room listening to The Archers while his wife Cho brings him his last G&T.
Hermione becomes Minister of Magic and Ron works on old cars, getting them to fly.
Voldemort remains alive, but just barely: he has shrunk to a fraction of his former size and now is confined to a half-empty jar of Marmite sitting on the shelf over Rita Skeeter's desk.
Hagrid rebuilt the motorcycle and rode it in the Isle of Man TT, coming in third place.
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Firenze
Ordinary decent pagan
# 619
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Posted
Harry looked up from the Chick tract.
'I see where I've gone wrong all these years. Praise the Lord I am now Delivered from Satan!'
Scarce had the words passed his lips than he was struck dead by a thunderbolt.
'Repentance is fine' mumbled the Lord God 'but you gotta be on the safe side. Anybody wants me, I'm hangin' out with George'.
Posts: 17302 | From: Edinburgh | Registered: Jun 2001
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Uncle Pete
Loyaute me lie
# 10422
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Posted
Harry woke with a start as he heard Aunt Petunia screeching his name just outside the cupboard under the stairs. He noted the time and date on his purloined calendar. It had been a dream then, but what a dream!
Slipping on his work thong, and rubbing his eyes, he went to collect Dudley's breakfast tray, as he had every day for the last 8 years, and staggered up the stairs ready for another day of service.
House elves had it easy, he thought.
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Even more so than I was before
Posts: 20466 | From: No longer where I was | Registered: Sep 2005
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Hazey*Jane
Ship's Biscuit Crumbs
# 8754
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Posted
Harry flipped the switch on his sonic wand, but Voldemort was too quick, and the latter’s laser wand blasted out a beam of blue light, which knocked Harry to the ground.
“Prepare to die!” cried Voldemort, striding over to Harry and pointing his wand. “Do you have any last requests?”
“If only I could get to Hermione’s bag,” thought Harry. “Then I could retrieve the TARDIS-turner from it, and we could go back to the end of ‘The Half Blood Prince’ and get our hands on the ring and the wand, and avoid all this distracting Horcrux stuff.”
“Exterminatum” cried Voldemort. But nothing happened. Once more he pointed and proclaimed his spell, but Harry remained unscathed.
Was it the dual nature of their blood-soul tie that was preventing the spell from working? Was it the power of love that had protected Harry all his life, saving him from this act of finality?
“Damn battery’s run out again!” Voldemort cried, throwing the wand to the floor in disgust. Harry seized the moment’s distraction and pointed his wand, but with that, Voldemort disapparated across The Void, leaving plenty of room for a follow-up.
Posts: 4266 | From: UK | Registered: Nov 2004
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
"No, he's not dead yet," said Narcissa.
"Damn it!" said Voldemort. Raising his wand, he cried out, "Aveda Kadavra!"
Harry fell down dead again, as did Voldemort.
Back at King's Cross Station, Harry saw Sirius. "Should I go back again?" he asked.
"Sup to you," said Sirius, shrugging.
"Oh, all right, but just this once," said Harry.
"This time, YOU go see if he's dead," said Voldemort to Lucius.
"Fine," said Lucius. He bent down to hear Harry's breath. "Who do you like in the third at Belmont?" he asked, barely audible.
"Death-for-Breakfast at 417 to 1," said Harry.
"Good lad," said Lucius.
"He's dead this time," he said, to the assembled crowd.
The crowd gathered to carry Harry back to Hogwart's, while Lucius quietly disapparated and re-apparated in his bookie's office.
"Death-for-Breakfast in the Belmont third," he said, coolly, pushing a hundred gold galleons under the window.
"That's about to start now," said the bookie. "Watch it with me?" And he turned on the antiquated black-and-white television set.
"Nothing else to do," said Lucius casually.
It was a strange horse race, as all the other horses except Death-for-Breakfast ran about ten furlongs then sat down and calmly examined their hooves. Once the race was over, the bookie got ready to pay Lucius, when suddenly Harry Potter, dripping with sweat, apparated into the room, showing his winning ticket, now worth over 17,421,000 gold galleons.
"You suck!" said Lucius, drawing out his wand, and then, "Aveda Kadavra!"
At that moment Harry fell dead, as did Voldemort, far away at Hogwart's.
At King's Cross Station, Harry told his mother and father, "I'm not going back, damn them. Let's catch that train."
<19 years later>
"And when you're done, you can round up all the witches on the third floor," said Teddy Lupin to the witch with her head between his knees. "Damn, being rich is good."
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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dolphy
Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862
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Posted
Harry opens his eyes and thanks God that he is still wearing his dress.
He pulls himself up and finds his contact lenses.
He then walks to the bar, staggering slightly on his high heels.
"yay", he cries, "I have not missed the drag queen singing competition tonight".
He takes the mic in his hands, adjusts his suspenders and sings, "I'm coming out, I'm coming... out".
He takes off his cloak and reveals his boob tube and mini-skirt.
After he finishes the song, he shouts to the audience: "Nobody knows I'm a lesbian".
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Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.
Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001
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Vikki Pollard
Shipmate
# 5548
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Posted
The floods are really getting to you, aren't they, Dolphy? ![[Biased]](wink.gif)
![[Votive]](graemlins/votive.gif)
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"I don't get all this fuss about global warming, Miss. Why doesn't the Government just knock down all the f**king greenhouses?" (One of my slightly less bright 15 year old pupils)
Posts: 5695 | From: The Far Side | Registered: Feb 2004
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Jonathan Strange
Shipmate
# 11001
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Posted
A hush fell over the surviving Horgwartians and all eyes were fixed on the two figures in the centre of the hall.
“So Potter, we meet again – and this time for the last time,” said Voldemort in his high, girlish voice.
“So Potter, me me me-me, blah blah blah-blah,” Harry mimicked, dancing on the spot and flicking his wand in a camp manner.
“How dare you imitate me, the greatest of the great!” Voldemort shrieked.
“How dare you dee dee dee, dum dum dum,” chanted the prancing Harry.
“Shut up!” the Dark Lord hissed.
“Shut up!” came the quick reply.
“Stop it!” Voldemort screamed.
“Stop it!” Harry squeaked.
“Gahhh! Why did I ever want to be a teacher?” Voldemort yelled, almost incoherent with rage, “Abveda Kebabra!” Nothing happened. The Dark Lord shot a puzzled look towards the end of his wand through his snake-slit eyes. He scratched his head.
“Aveda Ali-baba!” Still nothing happened. “Damn - what is that curse?”
“McVada Cavalier!” Still nothing happened. “I’m sure my memory hasn’t been the same since that last horcrux. Aha I have it now! Abra Kedabra!” There was a tremendous flash of acid-green light; Voldemort’s lips curled into a cruel smile; but when the smoke cleared all that Harry saw was a plastic bunch of tulips hanging from the end of Voldemort’s wand.
Voldemort’s lip wobbled, and to the surprise of the staff, students and Death Eaters, he burst into tears.
“There, there, dear,” crooned Mrs Weasley, patting him on the back. “Let’s go and find a nice cup of tea.”
“Hmmm,” sniffed the broken Dark Lord appreciatively through Molly’s handkerchief, and they turned from the hall in the direction of the staff room.
“That was unexpected,” said Kingsley to the other surviving aurors.
“Yeah,” said George, “Didn’t see that one coming.”
“Bloody hell,” said Ron, trying to be British, “Knickers.”
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"Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bears his teeth, winter meets its death,
When he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again"
Posts: 1327 | From: Wessex | Registered: Feb 2006
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fight-club for the soul
Shipmate
# 11098
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Posted
Far too much sex and bondage on this thread. It's a children's book, you sick bastards!
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"If I go they'll say I'm wrong, if I stay there'll be no song." - Delirious
Posts: 566 | From: 35°14'04.35" S 149°02'19.56" E | Registered: Mar 2006
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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492
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Posted
I'm a third of the way through the real book - I think I'll see how it comes out and then post on the other thread.
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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.
Posts: 30517 | From: White Hart Lane | Registered: Oct 2002
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Organ Builder
Shipmate
# 12478
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by fight-club for the soul:
Far too much sex and bondage on this thread. It's a children's book, you sick bastards!
Actually, that is all in the best tradition of the fan fiction surrounding this work. So at least we aren't the only sick bastards...
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How desperately difficult it is to be honest with oneself. It is much easier to be honest with other people.--E.F. Benson
Posts: 3337 | From: ...somewhere in between 40 and death... | Registered: Mar 2007
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The Weeder
Shipmate
# 11321
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:
quote:
Originally posted by fight-club for the soul:
Far too much sex and bondage on this thread. It's a children's book, you sick bastards!
Actually, that is all in the best tradition of the fan fiction surrounding this work. So at least we aren't the only sick bastards...
Totally off topic, Organ Builder, but I love the Lucia books too. And Diva is a favourite of mine. ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
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Still missing the gator
Posts: 2542 | From: LaLa Land | Registered: Apr 2006
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
Actually Ms Rowling has said several times it's not a children's book.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58
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Posted
Snape looked Harry in the eyes and said, "Harry, I am your father."
Harry could only stare in disbelief. Before he could stammer, "How on earth - did you get my mother totally drunk?" Voldemort's thin high clear voice said from behind, "Actually, that's not true, because I am."
"What nonsense!" exclaimed the ghost of Sirius Black, springing from a cupboard. "It was me, Harry. Don't listen to them. You know how it is, James was away one night, and..."
"... and that's 'ow it was, basically," completed Hagrid, appearing suddenly in the room. "Sorry if this comes as a shock to yer, 'Arry, but it weren't any of them. Your mother did get drunk one night, in fact quite a lot of nights, but your real father is..."
"Yes...?" murmured Harry, unable to take it in.
"Stan Shunpike."
"But he's way too young," said Harry, clutching at straws.
"Rejuvenation Potion," said Hagrid. "Also, he has the ability to travel in time."
"Oh," said Harry as he accepted the fact. "OK. That's cool."
Posts: 25445 | Registered: May 2001
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
Harry’s arrogant aunt, Lady Catherine dePotter, had visited Ginny and demanded that she break off her relationship with Harry.
“He is the most famous wizard in the country, you are a mere no body. The idea is preposterous. Moreover his mother and I always intended that he should marry my sickly daughter, Dudelia. While in their cradles we planned their union.”
Ginny felt her pulse quicken, but remained calmly polite. “Harry is the son of a wizard, I am the daughter of a wizard. Therefore we are equals; I can say no more.”
“Do you, a mere girl, presume to argue with me, your elder and better in every way? Clearly you have abandoned all claim to rational discourse, you cannot expect to be welcomed into civilised company. I take my leave of you; I send no good wishes to your mother.”
As she swept from the room, Harry leapt out from behind the door. “My own,” he cried, as he crushed Ginny to his bosom. “I dared not hope; you have made me the happiest man alive. What is more I now give permission for my best friend Neville to marry your boring elder sibling, Percy, as they have longed to do since the start of our narrative. Let me go to your father that I may ask his permission to claim your hand.”
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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Robert Armin
All licens'd fool
# 182
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Posted
Ginny was seduced by the comfort and safety offered by the wealthy Malfoy family; by way of revenge Harry married Draco's beloved sister and made her miserable. Ginny died young, in childbirth, and in the following years her spirit could be heard singing on the windy moors:
Harry,
It's me, I'm Ginny,
I've come home now.
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Keeping fit was an obsession with Fr Moity .... He did chin ups in the vestry, calisthenics in the pulpit, and had developed a series of Tai-Chi exercises to correspond with ritual movements of the Mass. The Antipope Robert Rankin
Posts: 8927 | From: In the pack | Registered: May 2001
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Tubbs
Miss Congeniality
# 440
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by The Wanderer:
Ginny was seduced by the comfort and safety offered by the wealthy Malfoy family; by way of revenge Harry married Draco's beloved sister and made her miserable. Ginny died young, in childbirth, and in the following years her spirit could be heard singing on the windy moors:
Harry,
It's me, I'm Ginny,
I've come home now.
![[Killing me]](graemlins/killingme.gif)
Tubbs
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"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt" - Dennis Thatcher. My blog. Decide for yourself which I am
Posts: 12701 | From: Someplace strange | Registered: Jun 2001
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dolphy
Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Vikki Pollard:
The floods are really getting to you, aren't they, Dolphy?
No, my mind was always this dirty ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
Harry wakes up in his own bed.
He puts on his dressing gown and walks downstairs to the kitchen and sits at the table while his Mum, Ms Rowling, makes him pancakes with maple syrup.
"Mum", says Harry, "you know that bedtime story you have been telling me every night for as long as I can remember?".
"Yes", says JK Mom.
"Was it really true?", says Harry.
"Harry, darling, I have signed the books for you, my dear son. Now it is time you learnt to read".
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Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.
Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001
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riverfalls
Shipmate
# 9168
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Posted
The weight of all the years of murder and torture filled Tom Riddle's mind a bit of the Love that protected Harry Transformed him. He gave up being a wizard and Joined the Jesus Army and now can be found giving out street papers.
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http://www.ourcatholicfaith.org/readings-listen.html
Posts: 1611 | From: Stoke On Trent | Registered: Mar 2005
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Lady A
Narnian Lady
# 3126
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Posted
The stretch Hummer limo pulled up to the curb at King’s Cross. It easily parked into the what appeared before to be a mere 6 inch opening. Kreacher bounced out of the drivers seat but before he cuold open the door, the Potter children spilled out onto the walkway, all talking at once and racing for the boot to claim their own luggage. Kreacher pulled out the trolleys and helped the kids pile on luggage and pets as Harry and Ginny climbed out and looked up at the building.
“Dad! DAAADDD!!” Albus ran and yanked him towards the cart. “He’s walking with me.” He nodded at his siblings, daring them to fuss about it.
James shrugged and took off into the station, Ginny took Lily’s hand and they rattled into the station. James had already disappeared into the barrier to platform nine and three quarters and the rest of the family stepped through into the waiting area for the Hogwarts Express.
Ron and Hermione stood at the end of the train. Hermione checking her Witchpod, “I knew it, I knew she’d come early.” She turned to Ron, “I simply must go, Madame Horatus is already at the library and I dare not keep her waiting.” She turned to Rose and Hugo, “Mum’s off to work, give me a love.” They crushed her with hugs and kisses then stepped back as she pulled out her wand. “Work at the Library of Witches never ends. Thank goodness! Not to mention I shall have another edition of ‘Hogwarts: A History’ out later this year. I’m off!” and she apparated off the platform.
“I’m tellin’ ya Harry,” Ron said so that Ginny couldn’t hear “You think she read books before! I think this edition will be #412 of H:AH. Sometimes I think I should be counting editions instead of anniversaries.”
Harry grinnned. Ron ruffled Hugo’s hair.
“Dad! Stop!”
They shuffled the kids onto the train, waving goodbye. Ron looked over at Harry and glanced at the bare forehead, “Blimey, that scar removal surgery worked great. I can’t even see it!”
“Nice to know it’s gone, for good.” Harry shook Ron’s hand, “See you both tomorrow?”
Ron shrugged, “Probably, Hermione wouldn’t even miss getting together.” With a flick of his wand, Ron vanished off to the Ministry.
Ginny and Harry stood together and taking Rose's hand apparated back to the limo where Kreachur was waiting.
“Home, Kreacher.”
[ 26. July 2007, 21:34: Message edited by: Lady A ]
Posts: 2545 | From: The Lion's Mane, Narnia | Registered: Aug 2002
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Chelley
Ship's Old Boot
# 11322
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Posted
It was vouchsafed to Dumbledore that Harry was in fact a mere sockpuppet on ye humble Ship of Fools. He was therefore planked.
The End.
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"I love old things, they make me feel sad."
"What's good about sad?"
"It's happy for deep people!"
Sally Sparrow to Kathy - Doctor Who
Posts: 2870 | From: Wonderland, UK | Registered: Apr 2006
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Autenrieth Road
Shipmate
# 10509
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Posted
Harry's planking gave rise to a 4100 page thread in the Styx that ran for 10 years. Ancient Mariner sold the movie rights and laughed all the way to Gringott's Bank.
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Truth
Posts: 9559 | From: starlight | Registered: Oct 2005
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Sir Pellinore
Quester Emeritus
# 12163
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Posted
I'm all for Draco Malfoy declaring himself madly in love with Harry Potter and their disappearing into the sunset holding hands whilst Hermione - a true dominatrix - beats Ron Weasley to a pulp.
No, neither would thrill me, but it would certainly get people talking.
The fundamentalists could then really fulminate.
What about Rowling's Christian apologists? Nowhere to be seen.
Maybe then we could all just enjoy the novels as a good read sans useless intellectualising?
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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Well...
Posts: 5108 | From: The Deep North, Oz | Registered: Dec 2006
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eeGAD
Wandering Stowaway
# 4675
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Posted
In a light rain, late at night, Hermione boards a plane with her freedom-fighter husband, Ron. She weeps as she bids goodbye to Harry, her first love.
After Harry sees the plane off safely, he turns to the only man remaining on the airstrip.
"Draco," he says. "This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
eeG
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You don't fix faith. It fixes you. - Shepherd Book
Posts: 976 | From: The Land of Mary | Registered: Jun 2003
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MrSponge2U
Ship’s scrub
# 3076
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Posted
Harry publishes a tell-all life story that sells millions of books. He and Ginny move to Hollywood to produce a film based on a screenplay he wrote about his own fan fiction. Ginny goes out partying one night with Lindsay Lohan and gets arrested. Harry is shunned by the Los Angeles sports community after calling David Beckham an overrated muggle. He and Ginny then meet Tom Cruise and convert to Scientology.
[ 29. July 2007, 00:46: Message edited by: MrSponge2U ]
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sig? what sig?
Posts: 3558 | From: where two big rivers meet | Registered: Jul 2002
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Sir Pellinore
Quester Emeritus
# 12163
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Posted
"J K Rowling in reverse drag, all along"!
Give the lady the 64,000 Upsolotian lira!
No one can beat that!
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Well...
Posts: 5108 | From: The Deep North, Oz | Registered: Dec 2006
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
And so Voldemort killed Harry, and took over the running of the wizarding world, and eventually the whole of muggle England as well.
But then things started to go wrong. He would forget the name of one of his death-eaters. He would be found wandering around far from his palace, and when redirected back there, not even realize he had left. He began crying out for people who had been dead for decades, and most of his food went uneaten.
Finally even his closest followers had to admit: he had become a Dementee.
And so it all fell apart and the good guys came back into power and Tom Riddle was put in a nice long-term care home where he could drool the rest of his lonely life away.
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
..And in all of the fuss, what with being covered with an invisibility cloak and all, Harry got trampled on, and died properly this time.
Voldemort took his revenge by marrying Ginny, who turned out like her mother, and had Voldy under her thumb within days. He was never the same again.
Draco Malfoy seduced ( using the Narcissium or "Love Me " spell ) Hermione, married her, and produced children that were both evil and clever. The rose in government, eventually exercising a domination that Voldemort never could have.
Ron and Neville set up together, finding that they are well suited. Neville teaches as Hogwarts, whereas Ron works in local government, where all or his peculiarities are ignored.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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dolphy
Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Autenrieth Road:
Harry's planking gave rise to a 4100 page thread in the Styx that ran for 10 years. Ancient Mariner sold the movie rights and laughed all the way to Gringott's Bank.
Ancient Mariner was then arrested and, after being threated with 'Life in Hogwarts', admitted that he was working alongside Erin JK, and Simon Rowling.
The case went to court after much speculation from the sockpuppets and, by now, elderly shipmates, who had taken over hell with a trillion page thread called: ITTWACW!
The title track from the movie was sung by Chelley, and was banned from all radio stations because of the lyrics giving a crude meaning to the innocent poem: When I am old, I shall wear purple.
Erin JK, managed to flirt so well with the Jury that she was awarded a lifetime supply of Trolls to eat.
Simon Rowling retired and was awarded a few bottles of whisky.
As for the Mariner, he was let off all charges and was sent to spend the rest of his days serving burgers in a well known fast food outlet.
As for Harry, he remains in the custody of Exeter University, after admitting he was just a Starbelly with an overactive imagination.
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Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.
Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001
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babybear
Bear faced and cheeky with it
# 34
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
Snape looked Harry in the eyes and said, "Harry, I am your father."
Harry could only stare in disbelief. Before he could stammer, "How on earth - did you get my mother totally drunk?" Voldemort's thin high clear voice said from behind, "Actually, that's not true, because I am."
We went to watch the latest HP film last night. In the taxi on the way back the taxi driver was saying that she has a copy of the book, but hasn't finished it yet, and is dreading people telling her the ending.
I told her Ariel's ending, and she was shrieking at me. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posts: 13287 | From: Cottage of the 3 Bears (and The Gremlin) | Registered: May 2001
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fight-club for the soul
Shipmate
# 11098
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by Organ Builder:
quote:
Originally posted by fight-club for the soul:
Far too much sex and bondage on this thread. It's a children's book, you sick bastards!
Actually, that is all in the best tradition of the fan fiction surrounding this work. So at least we aren't the only sick bastards...
Very true. Some of the 'Harry/Hermione repressed wild sex' themes are eyebrow-raisers.
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"If I go they'll say I'm wrong, if I stay there'll be no song." - Delirious
Posts: 566 | From: 35°14'04.35" S 149°02'19.56" E | Registered: Mar 2006
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dolphy
Lady of Perpetual Responsiblity
# 862
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Posted
So, that's it then.
The End.
If you want to know what really happened, buy the Daily Mail every day for the next twenty years to see what really happened to Harry.
![[Snigger]](graemlins/snigger.gif)
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Looking forward to my rock moving closer again.
Posts: 15134 | From: my camper van | Registered: Jul 2001
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mousethief
Ship's Thieving Rodent
# 953
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Posted
quote:
Originally posted by fight-club for the soul:
Some of the 'Harry/Hermione repressed wild sex' themes are eyebrow-raisers.
Eye-rollers more like. ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
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This is the last sig I'll ever write for you...
Posts: 63536 | From: Washington | Registered: Jul 2001
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Doublethink.
Ship's Foolwise Unperson
# 1984
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Posted
Voldemort considered the issue of the twin core wands, and realising that Harry was an accidental horocrux he sat down and gave serious thought to his victory.
A deatheater was sworn to secrecy and sent to buy muggle technology.
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"Die !" shouted Voldemort as he turned the Kalashinkov on Harry. "Quick get his head" deatheaters scurried forward and sawed off Harry's still blinking head.
...
Some years later, Voldemort sits in his ornate study, "close run thing that" he muses, contemplated Harry's head mounted on the wall - lips stiched shut, ressurrection stone rammed up the jugular - he taps his elder wand on the desk meditavely.
Voldemort leaves for his date with Hermine, tossing the invisibilty cloak over Harry's abused visage as he leaves.
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All political thinking for years past has been vitiated in the same way. People can foresee the future only when it coincides with their own wishes, and the most grossly obvious facts can be ignored when they are unwelcome. George Orwell
Posts: 19219 | From: Erehwon | Registered: Aug 2005
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Schroedinger's cat
Ship's cool cat
# 64
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Posted
While wandering around England in a tent, they all get drunk one night, and have a threesome all night. Hermione decides that rampant sex all night is far better than chasing wizards - and the boys agree. So they move in together in a flat near Margate, and forget their wizarding backgrounds in an orgy of passion.
Voldemort, meanwhile, takes over the wizarding world, but realises that he can't face the snivelling Malfoys and their like any more, so goes to be a hermit in Tibet.
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Blog
Music for your enjoyment
Lord may all my hard times be healing times
take out this broken heart and renew my mind.
Posts: 18859 | From: At the bottom of a deep dark well. | Registered: May 2001
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