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Source: (consider it) Thread: Heaven: The dreaded Pie Equalization Precipitate!
KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238

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O no, o no, o no! THANKSGIVING! Aieeeeeeeeeeeee!

I open my refrigerator door and see three boxes, each containing leftover pie*. Do you know what this means?

(You feel my hands grip your lapels as I shake you back and forth)

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

The dreaded Pie Equalization Precipitate! My God! Any unequal amounts of leftover pie in any container, even plastic wrap, poses the gravest threat to the planet!

For example, if I have 3 slices of key lime, 5 of chocolate, and 4 of apple, then I must eat 2 slices of chocolate pie and 1 of apple in order to equalize the number of leftover pie slices lest the Earth's orbit decay and we spiral into the sun! All life on Earth depends on me eating the correct amount of pie! How can I bear this responsibility?

Okay, I'm calming down, calming down, calming...going to my happy place...happyhappyhappy...and now we're home. Okay.

My fellow 'Shipmates, I need your help. Please aid me in saving all life on this planet by equalizing the amount of leftover pie in your homes. Life is lost without you! When you reach the end of this post, run--don't walk--to your kitchen and IMMEDIATELY eat any unequal amounts of leftover pie.

If you have no pie, any cake or tart will do. Even cornbread in a frying pan! If none of those are available, a bag of cookies will suffice. Barely.

If you only have one pie, you can still help. Look at the number of slices remaining. Make sure to eat any slices that would violate the 90 degree rule: There can be no leftover pie outside any of four equal quadrants of the pie plate, with the axis of the quadrants on the center point of the pie if the pie were still whole.

So, can I trust you, my friends? Please, help me help us all! For liberty and justice forever.

===============
*We were tasked to bring pies to our family's Thanksgiving** dinner, so while other people have leftover turkey, dressing, appetizers, et al, we have leftover pie.

**Note to non-US Shipmates: Even if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, you can still help! Just make sure you have equal amounts of leftover desserts in your home.

[ 02. March 2011, 20:31: Message edited by: Belisarius ]

--------------------
"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction

My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com

Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Roseofsharon
Shipmate
# 9657

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quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:

**Note to non-US Shipmates: Even if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, you can still help! Just make sure you have equal amounts of leftover desserts in your home.

Oh help! All I have is an apple crumble in an oval dish, with two spoons-full taken out.
I can't do the maths!

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Talk about books -any books- on our rejuvenatedforum http://www.bookgrouponline.com/index.php?

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Zach82
Shipmate
# 3208

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Leftover pie? [Confused]

Zach

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Don't give up yet, no, don't ever quit/ There's always a chance of a critical hit. Ghost Mice

Posts: 9148 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238

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quote:
Originally posted by Roseofsharon:
Oh help! All I have is an apple crumble in an oval dish, with two spoons-full taken out.
I can't do the maths!

KenWritez to the Rescue! No maths necessary, RoseofSharon!

Merely divide the oval dish into quadrants as you would a circular pie plate, take appropriate action, and all will be well!

Humanity thanks you!

[ 30. November 2008, 23:02: Message edited by: KenWritez ]

--------------------
"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction

My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com

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Organ Builder
Shipmate
# 12478

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quote:
Originally posted by Zach82:
Leftover pie? [Confused]

Zach

I'm having trouble with this concept as well.

There is never "leftover" pie--just pie I haven't eaten yet. At the moment, there isn't any of that, even.

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How desperately difficult it is to be honest with oneself. It is much easier to be honest with other people.--E.F. Benson

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Clint Boggis
Shipmate
# 633

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Point of Information: In the US does "pie" always imply something sweet?

Here 'pie' is always preceded by what it contains; eg apple pie, cherry pie, chicken and mushroom pie, steak and kidney pie.

I have no rotationally divisible desserts in the house, so I can't help save the world.

Sorry, world.

Posts: 1505 | From: south coast | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged
Zach82
Shipmate
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I'd say that, for the average American, pies are necessarily sweet- otherwise a qualifier has to be provided, such as in the cases of shepherd's pie or chicken pot pie.

Zach

[ 30. November 2008, 23:50: Message edited by: Zach82 ]

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Don't give up yet, no, don't ever quit/ There's always a chance of a critical hit. Ghost Mice

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Clint Boggis
Shipmate
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So, sweet by default but may be qualified.

Thanks Zach.

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Chorister

Completely Frocked
# 473

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I suggest you put any leftover pie into a postal packet and address it to: John Prescott Esq. The Ministry of Pie Consumption. United Kingdom.
That should take care of your problem nicely.

(The only pies we ever have in our house are small ones. I also have a husband who loves pies. Ergo, they rarely last longer than one day.)

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Retired, sitting back and watching others for a change.

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Loquacious beachcomber
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Listen, I just found 5 chocolate Easter eggs, 150g each, in the back of the pantry cupboard.
They have a best before date of May, 2007.
Should they be eaten to keep the world safe?
Is it okay to eat Easter eggs during Advent Season? [Confused] [Confused] [Confused]
They didn't teach us this stuff in seminary.

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TODAY'S SPECIAL - AND SO ARE YOU (Sign on beachfront fish & chips shop)

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Banner Lady
Ship's Ensign
# 10505

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Dear Uncle Ken,
can you help me with a cake problem? After the weekend I have five different sorts of cake left. But they are in no way symmetrical. I have put the three large fruit muffins, several small spicy cupcakes and 4 rectangular slices of date loaf and sultana cake into one square cake container. But the single slice of chocolate mudcake needs to stay in the fridge. Can you help me reconcile this frighteningly unbalanced mess? I do not want to be responsible for making others fall off the edge of the world.
Thank you.

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Women in the church are not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be enjoyed.

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Zach82
Shipmate
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Oh leftover pie- the pie made out of leftover pot roast, leftover peas and carrots, and leftover gravy in a pie shell.

Zach

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Don't give up yet, no, don't ever quit/ There's always a chance of a critical hit. Ghost Mice

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Mamacita

Lakefront liberal
# 3659

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We have done some serious pie triage at the Mamacita household today. Our son ate half the remainders of the pumpkin pie for breakfast prior to hitting the road back to college. The slice that was left went into a square tupperware bowl, of which it took up exactly half, and is being saved for my husband who is on a liquid diet today in anticipation of some nasty procedure you don't want to hear about. As for me, I dined on approximately one-third of the pre-Thanksgiving leftovers of a Costco™ chicken pot pie. This was necessary in order to transfer the remainder into a smaller storage bowl. It may be dodgy by tomorrow night. We'll see. I don't know if this is a useful response to the OP, but it's all I have at the moment.

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Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.

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babybear
Bear faced and cheeky with it
# 34

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I fear that I am not a useful person is this fight to save the world from desatbilisation.

We are not a 'pie' household. Commerical pies are normally far too sweet. However, we did have a veggie pasta bolongaise with a cheese sauce over the top. I suspect that there will be 1/6th of that left over. My intrepid husband will carry it off to work and consume it for lunch.

The birthday cake made on Saturday is bound to be eaten already. There are a number of tiny cakes (two bites and its gone), but they are all nice and round, and showing now signs of throwing the world off kilter.

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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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I have a square pie, of the steak and mushroom variety. It was rectangular to start with but being of precise mind I cut a slice off to make it into an exact square.

What do I do now that the pie is perfectly square - do I leave it like this, eat it in one go, or post it to Kenwritez?

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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238

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No no Ariel, post not your pies to me. Such an act could potentially further destabilize the Earth.

Savory pies, like meat pies, while technically pie, are on a lesser quantum energy level as sweet pies, hence they are exempt from the dreaded Pie Equalization Precipitate. Good idea, tho.

You with multiple different pies in one container, there is a solution. I warn you, while simple, it is dire, drastic and will call for the deepest reserves of inner strength, determination and perserverence in the face of opposition.

I speak, of course, of Pie Energy Transfer.

Please! Please! Calm down! Mothers, please quiet your crying children. My assistants are passing around smelling salts for those who need them.

Pie Energy Transfer. Yes, it frightens me as well. But it is the only hope for you who have different desserts in one container.

You must eat all leftover pie in your container, thus transferring the summed energy levels in the desserts into your body, thereby temporarily lowering the existing quantum pie energy state which allows the Earth's gravitational field to reassert itself over the pie and/or dessert energy state as your body digests the sweet.

I didn't say this would be easy, but your fellow humans cry out to for help, and surely no price is too high.

--------------------
"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction

My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com

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LeRoc

Famous Dutch pirate
# 3216

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I have to say that I do appreciate KenWritez' efforts to prevent the earth from spiraling into the sun. It was already getting a bit hot in here. Thank you!

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I know why God made the rhinoceros, it's because He couldn't see the rhinoceros, so He made the rhinoceros to be able to see it. (Clarice Lispector)

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Ariel
Shipmate
# 58

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quote:
Originally posted by KenWritez:
Savory pies, like meat pies, while technically pie, are on a lesser quantum energy level as sweet pies, hence they are exempt from the dreaded Pie Equalization Precipitate. Good idea, tho.

So, pie r squared = OK.

Good to know, thanks.

[ 01. December 2008, 11:55: Message edited by: Ariel ]

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Cinnamon cicada
Shipmate
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Ken, I have never been any good at maths, so I was going to ask your advice about how to deal with three cupcakes - each with different-coloured icing - in a tupperware box.

This seemed a trivial thing to bother you with, so I solved the problem by eating them all.

Did I do the right thing?

--------------------
The most inward and loving of all, he came forth like a new beginning,
the brown-robed brother of your nightingales,
with his wonder and goodwill, and delight in Earth...
Rainer Rilke

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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238

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Yes you did! Hold up your head with pride, and when those lesser folk around you clamor to know the reason for your new-found charisma, tell them proudly, "I helped save humanity!"

--------------------
"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction

My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com

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Sioni Sais
Shipmate
# 5713

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After Saturday's fondue party we were left with two thirds of an orange cheesecake, some apple crumble (in an oval dish) and a bit less than half a karadopita (A Greek walnut & breadcrumb pudding; looks like a pie).

They have all gone now. I took care to cut "to quarters". The earth is that bit safer.

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"He isn't Doctor Who, he's The Doctor"

(Paul Sinha, BBC)

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marmot

Mountain mammal
# 479

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Ken, I'm not sure there is need for so much concern. Here's why: There is a black hole in my kitchen (in the form of a teenage boy). I believe that all pie in the universe will be pulled into the vortex and disappear. That solves your problem, does it not?

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Join me in "The Legion of Bad Monkeys"

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Beenster
Shipmate
# 242

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I am troubled by the OP. How come there was leftover pie in the fridge in the first place. Leftover pie should never exist: it should be an oxymoron.

KenWritez: at least you are facing up to the heavy responsibility. If you need a hand in the clean-up operation, I am sure I could come over and help. How great is my love for the planet.

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jedijudy

Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333

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OK, here's how we solved the Pie Equalization quandary in the Jedi Temple.

We start with four pies for eleven people. Depending upon several complex equations, the pies are sliced and divvied up to various persons...however, only the parts consumed at that precise time are sliced. Then...the tricky part. Three of the five family units are trusted with "leftover" *wink wink, nudge nudge* pie portions.

(The two family units not trusted with pie are excused for religious reasons. Violence and potential violence are abhorrent to them, and if they would fail in their pie equalization mission, their guilt would be crushing.)

We depend on close communications to be sure that the pies are digested at just the right speed and over the precise amount of hours to avert a cataclysm of the most horrendous proportions.

I have just now synchronized my pie eating with the other two households to keep to the schedule. Very difficult here, since the others have twice as many participants as exist here in the Temple.

Florida (at least this side of it) is safe and securing this end of the Earth's salvation.

We are Patriots, you know.

--------------------
Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.

Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Lamb Chopped
Ship's kebab
# 5528

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Oh dear. I have a similar black hole in my home, only smaller-sized (not for long), and equally determined to Inhale all the Pie in the Universe. What can be done????

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Er, this is what I've been up to (book).
Oh, that you would rend the heavens and come down!

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Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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quote:
Originally posted by Chorister:
I suggest you put any leftover pie into a postal packet and address it to: John Prescott Esq. The Ministry of Pie Consumption. United Kingdom.
That should take care of your problem nicely.

[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]

quote:
(I also have a husband who loves pies. Ergo, they rarely last longer than one day.)
So have I. We had a Quebec veal & pork pie for supper tonight which was, KenWritez will be relieved to learn, the second half of the one we started on Saturday. Very nice it was too. We now have no pie. Does raisin cake count? I promise it won't last very long.

[Smile]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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Sorry to double-post, but
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
... So, pie r squared = OK.

[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

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Sir Kevin
Ship's Gaffer
# 3492

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We have an uncut pizza pie: does that count? Must we cut it in fourths?

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If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Writing is currently my hobby, not yet my profession.

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Janine

The Endless Simmer
# 3337

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I wonder if you couldn't either simply roll it up and take it in hand & bite it like a burrito, or cut it in pretty spiral slices like a pinwheel cake?

What saith ye, Deep Pie Chopra?

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I'm a Fundagelical Evangimentalist. What are you?
Take Me Home * My Heart * An hour with Rich Mullins *

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Banner Lady
Ship's Ensign
# 10505

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Ken, I officially hate you. In obedience, I quaffed superfluous amounts of dessert substances. I am therefore several kilos heavier. My skin has broken out. Other people in the house now hate me ("What happened to the CAKE?").
I hope the planet appreciates my supreme self-sacrifice. Sorry, have to go - feel sick... [Projectile]

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Women in the church are not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be enjoyed.

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Zappa
Ship's Wake
# 8433

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Oh schizenhower. There I was happily whiling away my day believing that all that there was to worry me in the world was the threat of globally warmed polar bears and Pakistan and India on the brink of nuclear war again [Snore] when I reached into the fridge and oh bugga-me-aunty there's one eighth - one friggin' eighth - of a shepherd's pie. [Eek!]

Like Rose of Sharon I am numerically ... well 'challenged' doesn't exactly describe my state of innumeracy. I would eat the remnant myself but I have reverently consumed a massive dose of nuclear hot lamb vindaloo this evening. This leaves no capacity for consumption, reverent or otherwise of shepherds or their pies.

Still ... as we don't really do desserts in chez kuruzapp, am I let off the hook? Or must the savoury pie be consumed in equal proportions by the kuruzapp k9s? If so should I divide the remnant in proportion to their respective weight - or, since one is a fat labradoodle and one a skinny border collie, in inverse proportion to their optimum weight - or by a formula related to the disparity between their optimum and actual weights.

I need help here. Just as Barack and Hilary have begun their love-in am I now to destroy all global equilibrium? Should I just have another bad cardboard merlot and hope it will all go away?

Oh me oh my. What's a poor simple bloke to do? [Ultra confused]

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shameless self promotion - because I think it's worth it
and mayhap this too: http://broken-moments.blogspot.co.nz/

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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238

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Zappa, fret not! Per my response to Ariel:

Savory pies, like meat pies, while technically pie, are on a lesser quantum energy level as sweet pies, hence they are exempt from the dreaded Pie Equalization Precipitate.

--------------------
"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction

My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com

Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Joan_of_Quark

Anchoress of St Expedite
# 9887

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quote:
Originally posted by Sir Kevin:
We have an uncut pizza pie: does that count? Must we cut it in fourths?

Yes, and quickly. Haven't you heard the song, "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie"? That stuff is dangerous!

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"I want to be an artist when I grow up." "Well you can't do both!"
further quarkiness

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eeGAD

Wandering Stowaway
# 4675

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Ken, I did as you asked. The Earth is safe due to my valient efforts with the pumpkin pie, chocolate frosted brownies, and sugar cookies, and vanilla bean ice cream.

However, much like Banner Lady, I feel quite unwell. Are there any dire consequences to the planet if we actually upchuck?

eeG

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You don't fix faith. It fixes you. - Shepherd Book

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Low Treason
Shipmate
# 11924

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Without wishing to further endanger Civilisation As We Know It, or threaten to unbalance the equilibrium of the Universe, nevertheless I have the grave duty of placing this new dilemma before you.

The Treason household has two members currently in residence. Yesterday four chocolate muffins entered said household. One was consumed, leaving three outstanding. One member of the aforementioned household detests chocolate muffins [Hot and Hormonal] (I am reluctant to confess that it is me).

How is disaster to be avoided?

Answers to be written in green pencil on one side of the paper, using words of no more than two syllables please.

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He brought me to the banqueting house, and His banner over me was love.

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KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238

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Eat

Them

All

--------------------
"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction

My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com

Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
jedijudy

Organist of the Jedi Temple
# 333

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quote:
Originally posted by piglet:
Sorry to double-post, but
quote:
Originally posted by Ariel:
... So, pie r squared = OK.

[Killing me] [Killing me] [Killing me]
My pies r round.

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Jasmine, little cat with a big heart.

Posts: 18017 | From: 'Twixt the 'Glades and the Gulf | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged
Rosa Gallica officinalis
Shipmate
# 3886

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Ken, I have a part jar of homemade lemon curd in the fridge. It is not a pie but it is sweet. Is its existence possibly hastening the apocalypse?

Do I need to eat it?
If so is it better to do so straight from the jar with a spoon- which I am willing and able to do immediately, for the sake of humanity's future, you understand. If it is necessary to share it between an equal number of slices of toast I shall have to delay until the college sliced bread and toasters reappear for breakfast tomorrow, when I would be forced to share my delicious lemon curd with other people, sorry I mean additional volunteers could assist me.

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Come for tea, come for tea, my people.

Posts: 874 | From: The Hemlock Hideout | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged
KenWritez
Shipmate
# 3238

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Hmmm, an interesting question. Pity ken's not around to help answer it.

We simply can't take the risk. I realize this is sacrifice for you, especially so close to the holiday season, but some prices must be paid.

Eat the lemon curd now. Why take chances with the future of humanity over a jar of lemon curd?

And to all the Shipmates who've nobly and ably assisted in this crucial effort--I thank you, your children thank you, your children's children thank you, even unto the fourth generation, yea.

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"The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd." --Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction

My blog: http://oxygenofgrace.blogspot.com

Posts: 11102 | From: Left coast of Wonderland, by the rabbit hole | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Drifting Star

Drifting against the wind
# 12799

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Would it not be acceptable for Apothecary to eat the lemon curd until the surface of the lovely yellow stuff is smooth and flat? That's the approach I tend to take to things that come in jars and live in fridges. Have I been imperilling the world? [Ultra confused]

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The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Heraclitus

Posts: 3126 | From: A thin place. | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged
Alan Cresswell

Mad Scientist 先生
# 31

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Deep within the Particle Physics community there is a closely guarded secret. Almost as closely guarded as the Da Vinci Code or the crashed alien spaceship stored in Boxhill Tunnel. In fact, it's not entirely unrelated to the spaceship in Boxhill Tunnel.

What, I hear you ask, has this to do with pies?

Simple, the secret is that exotic fundamental particles are abundant within common foodstuff. There's no need to build expensive particle accelerators and detectors to study them. The whole of experimental particle physics is an elaborate scheme to get money out of governments so that physicists can play with that spaceship in Boxhill Tunnel. Of course, the Americans patented Velcro and use that income to fund playing with their ship in Area 51, so they didn't need to fund the Super Conducting Super Collider.

But, the secret is coming out in a rapidly advancing new field of theoretical physics. Quantum Electrodynamics (QED) explains the interactions of charged particles, and Quantum Chromodynamics (QCD) explains the interactions of colored particles. Likewise, the new field of Quantum Gastrodynamics (QGD) explains the interaction of flavoured particles within food.

Of particular relevance to this thread are the predictions of QGD in relation to pions (aka pi mesons) that are the major fundamental constituent of pies. QGD shows that there are strong symmetries within the mathematics of pion behaviour, that maintain the Fermi-Dirac statistical properties of the whole. But, when broken, these same symmetries can lead to parts of the whole adopting Bose-Einstein statistical properties allowing these parts to collapse into Bose-Einstein Condensates. In most situations there's a limited amount of symmetry breaking, with the small B-E Condensates often mistaken for crumbs. But, in the event of really serious symmetry breaking these B-E Condensates can form much more easily with the resulting precipitation of heavy particles potentially coallescing into matter with some truly extraordinary properties. Some of the more common examples of such materials include various cloaking super-fluids that allow things to remain hidden in the back of the fridge for months, even years. Theoretically, in cases of extreme symmetry breaking over a large area these materials could endanger the entire planet. Of course, as we're still here, such theoretical possibilities have yet to be realised. It's probably best, as Ken has informed us, to adopt a precautionary approach to avoid any such civilisation-ending effect.

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Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.

Posts: 32413 | From: East Kilbride (Scotland) or 福島 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
Piglet
Islander
# 11803

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quote:
Originally posted by Apothecary:
Ken, I have a part jar of homemade lemon curd in the fridge. It is not a pie ...

It would be if you made lemon-meringue pie out of it. [Big Grin]

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I may not be on an island any more, but I'm still an islander.
alto n a soprano who can read music

Posts: 20272 | From: Fredericton, NB, on a rather larger piece of rock | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged


 
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