quote:

---

Originally posted by KenWritez:
If you were to be really cruel, what would you advise?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:
know more about maths than Acolite

---

But I answered a question wrongly on the Question Time thread recently... [I blame it on a book that didn't make clear that it's nonstandard nomenclature was nonstandard and I've been blithely going around speaking in it for years]
</tangent>

Anyway, my advice would be:

It's rude to post on other people's threads when you're a newbie: start your own! Also, some people hate short OPs and some people hate long ones, so make sure you're only upsetting half the shipmates at a time by making all your OPs either one line or twenty pages long.

Here's a good guide to some threads we'd love it if you'd start (and where):

in Styx: a twenty page description of your ground-breaking new theology;

in Heaven: copy and paste the last dozen funny emails you've received. None of us have email accounts, so we won't have gotten them and, as a Christian website, we're exempt from copyright laws, so no need to worry there!

in Purg: Tell us a funny joke. About why gay people are horrible, or something like that.

in Hell: Tell us a deeply personal secret that you'd die if any-one mocked. That way we can give the kind of fellowship and support you'd expect in a Christian website.

in All Saints: Start a thread about your Men's Day.
 

---

Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Cymruambyth:
Spend most of your time telling everyone else what daft pratts they are because they don't believe exactly as you do, start threads that open with the premise that everything in Genesis is historical fact, and provide links to web sites that support creationism.

---

Alternately, ignore theological conservatives whenever they pop up in a thread, ignoring their questions and comments as unworthy of notice, and go on your merry way engaging only with those who already wholeheartedly agree with you. Thereby turning an interesting thread into a private, self-congratulatory lovefest.
 

---

Posted by aj (# 1383) on :
 
Newbies should remember:

In this connected world, for every original thought, story or joke you have, someone else will have thought of it first. So just shut up to save embarrassment.

Don't complain about cliques. They're all in your imagination. We know.

You can never be too cynical.
 

---

Posted by Fool of a Took (# 7412) on :
 
And if nobody replies to your thread (in which you link to your men's day) use a second email address to set up a second SoF membership. Once both your identities get the conversational ball rolling, everyone else will join in!
 

---

Posted by MrSponge2U (# 3076) on :
 
Post a lot of smilies in hell, they love it. And shamelessly flirt on as many threads as possible.
 

---

Posted by fight-club for the soul (# 11098) on :
 
Use lots of 'in' terms like Haxx0r and Pwn3d, and be sure to post plenty of links titled 'Britney Speers XXX'.

If that doesn't make you lots of friends, try getting your name on every topic showing on the boards front page.
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by fight-club for the soul:
If that doesn't make you lots of friends, try getting your name on every topic showing on the boards front page.

---

I did that accidentally once, and got a PM box full of congratulatory notes.
 

---

Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
Talk about w*rk alot in the cafe.
 

---

Posted by MSHB (# 9228) on :
 
May the grace of God be with you all.

Begin every post with an over the top Christian loving greeting. Tell everybody that you love them, and are praying for them fervently.

Start thirty or forty threads on your favourite topic. As we are all bored, the more obscure the topic, the better.

With kisses and gooey stuff to you all.
 

---

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Never bother visiting Limbo. It's a big waste of time.
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 

 

---

Posted by aj (# 1383) on :
 
like I said...
 

---

Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lyda*Rose:
Never bother visiting Limbo. It's a big waste of time.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by KenWritez:
Of course it is! The difference between the Limbic advice thread and mine is that *I* started this one, and so it retains the delicate floral notes (also fruity yet sometimes bold) my Kenwritez-ish nuances add as thread originator.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by KenWritez:
Also: Pick arguments with as many people as possible outside of Hell.

---

With love and kisses blowing up your ***
 

---

Posted by David (# 3) on :
 
The Hosts and Admins recognise that the newest members have the deepest insights into how the boards should be run, and so they encourage feedback from apprentices at the earliest possible time.
 

---

Posted by aj (# 1383) on :
 
Ah...so you heard that quote too.

It's a good one.

[ 18. July 2006, 07:45: Message edited by: aj ]
 

---

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Tell Erin how to run the ship--on your first day, if possible.

Offer her a dish of alligator stew.

Call her a crocodile.

Ask hosts/admins "who the heck do you think you are, anyway, to be telling me what to do?"

Post the entire text of an article from the NY Times.

Write all your posts in verse...in a foreign language...with no translation.

Start a thread, then never interact with the other posters. You're too good for them! And everything you said is perfectly clear.

Start board wars with another site. The hosts/admins will thank you for all the publicity and visitors.

Make 50 posts in 24 hours. The faster you become a shipmate, the more everyone will like you!
 

---

Posted by Hazey*Jane (# 8754) on :
 
You know that you're right, right? And that everyone needs to hear your Truth™. So post it at length, and then when anyone replies, ignore their questions and post more of the same. If you get banned from the board, no worries. Just set up another username and repeat.
 

---

Posted by Nicodemia (# 4756) on :
 
Make sure all women Shipmates know they should be in the kitchen, with a dozen toddlers hanging on to their skirts.

And when you've done all that, cut and paste very long discourses from some obscure website on some equally obscure theological matter.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Use the tiger avatar like ThomasDF, of blessed memory, did a while ago. Your shipmates will be impressed.
 

---

Posted by Flausa (# 3466) on :
 
Start an Erin Fan Club and gush on and on about how you know she really is a nice person IRL. She is Sweetness & Light™ after all.

Call Erin a croccodile. And before anyone says anything about how that's already been mentioned, remember that as a newbie you should post your ideas whether or not they've been stated verbatim on the thread already. In fact, people love it if you enter a thread already in full swing and say, "I haven't read the rest of this thread, but ... "
 

---

Posted by obble (# 10868) on :
 
Preview Post [i]isn't[/b] your friend.

(It is only there for the use of Hosts and Admins)
 

---

Posted by Emma. (# 3571) on :
 
Its much quicker if you type in txt spk. OR CAPITALS. Both make it far easier to read.

C U l8r
 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
Always remember the appropriate use of the various boards :

Styx is for criticising how the boards are run

Heaven is for linking to your favorite puke-inducing Letter from God message.

Purgatory is for you to convince others how clever you are.

Hell is for your to almost use some rude words.

All saints is a personal blog space.

Ecclesiantics is the best place to tell people how to run the church.

Kerygmania is the devotional board, where the literal truth of the bible is taken as granted.

The Circus is for games of Mornington Crescent. The more the merrier.
 

---

Posted by Roseofsharon (# 9657) on :
 
The Ship welcomes fresh insight into a specific set of subjects. These are listed, along with all previous posts on them, in Dead Horses.

Do take a look at them, and if you have a new perspective, or wish to support a previous argument please reopen the subjects on the main boards. All shipmates will be grateful for the opportunity to air these old favourites.
 

---

Posted by Banner Lady (# 10505) on :
 
Remember to be a perky upbeat Christian at all times.
 

---

Posted by A Lurker (# 3377) on :
 
Try to make your online personality nice and easy to recognise. Then people will quickly feel they 'know' you. A good approach to this is to pick a particular hobby-horse subject, and start going on about it at all possible oppertunities in any thread that's even half-relevant to the subject.

Or should I have said dead-horse subject, not hobby-horse subject? I'm not sure.
 

---

Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :
 
Remember most of the people on board are apostate heretics. It is your mission to convert us all to the One True Faith™ through the shear volume of posts preaching the word.

Never admit to making a mistake. Never apologise. It just makes it look like you don't know what you're talking about.
 

---

Posted by Alan Cresswell (# 31) on :
 
If you can't think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something you've posted elsewhere. No one will notice.
 

---

Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
When you have been on board for a little while and no longer feel a newbie you will have some opinions about the relative worth and goodness of many shipmates.

You must then start a "Who is your favourite Shipmate" poll in Heaven. Or All Saints, the Hosts and Admins love them just the same in either place.
 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
Never forget that Erin, for all her apparent gruffness, is really just a softie inside. So should you cross her, make sure you appeal to her cuddly and warm side. The expression "Aw dear, is the cwocodile having a dificwult day thwen" is guaranteed to produce a result.

Also, despite what has been said elsewhere, the host are very busy people, so do not, under any circumstances, ask them about posts or consult them about their actions. If they do post in hostly mode, they are just trying it on, so you should ignore them.

And remember that "Admins" are just administrators, so you can ignore them with even more distain.

[ 18. July 2006, 10:30: Message edited by: Schroedinger's cat ]
 

---

Posted by Matrix (# 3452) on :
 
If you can't think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something someone else posted elsewhere. No one will notice.

[ 18. July 2006, 10:39: Message edited by: Matrix ]
 

---

Posted by obble (# 10868) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Matrix:
If you can't think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something someone else posted elsewhere. No one will notice.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by obble:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Matrix:
If you can't think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something someone else posted elsewhere. No one will notice.

---

And if you tack a line which doesn't add anything to the discussion on the end, everyone will be even more certain to think it's your own work.

---

Dang! You stole my idea.
 

---

Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 
Among the hardest things for newbies to catch on to are the “in” jokes. Probably the most significant of these is that everyone from Nashville is regarded as unintelligent, badly-educated, uncouth and generally unattractive. Fortunately the Ship has never had any Shipmates from Nashville, so it’s safe to deride any foolish activity or idea as “very Nashville”. Make use of this and you will fit in splendidly.
 

---

Posted by Corpus cani (# 1663) on :
 
Shipmates are most learned in matters theological and will always be happy to help you with your Div. degree coursework. Just post all your homework questions in new threads in Purgatory.

Need some extra cash? Why not become an internet sales rep. Lots of shipmates will be happy to buy from you if you post ads for your wares in Heavenly threads.

Shipmates love to share each other's hobbies. Why not include a link in your signature line, so that all shippies can be just one click away from your favourite pædo-necrophilic bestiality site?

Not sure where to put your post? Play it safe. "Copy and paste" so that you can submit your post to all the boards at the same time.

Please enjoy a happy, if brief, sojourn aboard the Ship.

Cc
 

---

Posted by Pegasus (# 1966) on :
 
The hosts are very overworked; so if you see something in need of correction, they'll be very grateful if you step in on their behalf to remind fellow posters that they've overstepped the line.
 

---

Posted by Pegasus (# 1966) on :
 
Double posting is always welcomed.
 

---

Posted by Zorro (# 9156) on :
 
If you worry people aren't taking you seriously, get down to hell and start yourself a thread entitled "I am right, You are wrong," outlining your 5 step plan for the saving of humanity, how to run the ship, and how you don't think the crocodile has been welcoming enough, with suggestions of an appropriate attitude adjustment for her.

Sit back and wait for the love to flow!

ETA:Spelling incomprehensibly is always a bonus!

[ 18. July 2006, 13:41: Message edited by: Zorro ]
 

---

Posted by obble (# 10868) on :
 
always rmember taht noone on the ship carez abowt spellin and punktuation and grammer and stuff so yew dont need to either We kan all understand wot ure tryin to say annyway

[eta cross-post with Zorro]

[always edit your posts after you post them, unless you have made a typo which makes your post less clear, when you should leave it.]

[ 18. July 2006, 13:47: Message edited by: obble ]
 

---

Posted by noneen (# 11023) on :
 
Never say in one word what can be said in ten

...i think thats my shortest post ever, actually!!!
 

---

Posted by Flounder (# 3859) on :
 
Never apologize.
 

---

Posted by Legodude_uk (# 5671) on :
 
If you can't think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something someone else posted elsewhere. No one will notice.
 

---

Posted by Cymruambyth (# 10887) on :
 
Tell us long, involved stories about your wonderful, genius-IQ children, your well-trained pets, and your beautiful, well-maintained home (with pictures).

Remind us repeatedly to have faith.
 

---

Posted by Zorro (# 9156) on :
 
Man, these are some pimped-out suggestions here, homies!

Always remember this, if yo wanna appear big 'n smart 'n shit in hell, o the styx fo that mattizle, always talk to ya blood in ya bestest gangsta rap, blood!

Y'all get what I'm talkin bout, homies?

Zorro-Still got love fo da styx, peace-out y'all!
 

---

Posted by obble (# 10868) on :
 
Remember you can say whatever you like, so long as you finish with the smily, beacuse you can then claim it wasn't a serious point.

[remember that preview post isn't your friend]

[ 18. July 2006, 14:11: Message edited by: obble ]
 

---

Posted by noneen (# 11023) on :
 
appeal to feelings when facts fail you
 

---

Posted by obble (# 10868) on :
 
All the threads on this website are really games of Mornington Crescent, though usually disguised in some clever way, e.g the third letter of each word spells out the name of a station. So, once you work the system of a thread out, you can join in, and possibly win by posting

quote:

---

Mornington Crescent

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Emma.:
Its much quicker if you type in txt spk. OR CAPITALS. Both make it far easier to read.

C U l8r

---

quote:

---

QUOTE:

ORIGINALLY POSTED BY EMMA.:
ITS MUCH QUICKER IF YOU TYPE IN TXT SPK. OR CAPITALS. BOTH MAKE IT FAR EASIER TO READ.

C U L8R

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by luvanddaisies:
AND IF NOONE HAS EXPRESSLY ACKNOWLEDGED YOUR AMAZING POST, POST IT AGAIN, IN CAPITAL LETTERS, TO MAKE SURE THEY NOTICE IT.

---

[/quote][/qb]
And don't worry about getting your [b]code[b] right either. The hosts love sorting out errant code, and at least it gives them [i]something[i] to do!
 

---

Posted by obble (# 10868) on :
 
Posting posts with absolutely no content at all is a good way to up your post count, members of this community are valued entirely by their post count.

Which means that my 900 circus posts are worth far more than someone who has made 300 carefully thought out posts in purgatory.
 

---

Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on :
 
...because the hosts and admins have no idea what they're doing, but still get paid a fortune for doing it.

[call someone to hell for cross-posting with you. You'll get a sympathetic reception there]

[ 18. July 2006, 15:23: Message edited by: luvanddaisies ]
 

---

Posted by Corpus cani (# 1663) on :
 
If you can't think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something someone else posted elsewhere. No one will notice.

Corpus
 

---

Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on :
 

 

---

Posted by obble (# 10868) on :
 
but cross-posting makes the flow of the thread far more interesting!

You should do all you can to cross-post with people!

[reply to luvanddasies previous post - proves my point]

[ 18. July 2006, 15:26: Message edited by: obble ]
 

---

Posted by The Great Gumby (# 10989) on :
 
If you agree with a post, especially a really lengthy one, don't just say you agree. Some shipmates have very short attention spans, and can easily forget who said what. Help them out by quoting the entire post in your reply, and adding "I agree" at the end.
 

---

Posted by obble (# 10868) on :
 
If you are unable to think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something someone else posted and change a few words. No one will realise. (It also works for school/university work).
 

---

Posted by Corpus cani (# 1663) on :
 
Thnx.

[ETA; X-posted with Oble and The Grate Gumboy.]

Oh, and be sure to mis-spell Shipmates' names - it makes you appear more familiar and thus to be on closer terms with your favourites.

Cc

[ 18. July 2006, 15:30: Message edited by: Corpus cani ]
 

---

Posted by obble (# 10868) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
If you agree with a post, especially a really lengthy one, don't just say you agree. Some shipmates have very short attention spans, and can easily forget who said what. Help them out by quoting the entire post in your reply, and adding "I agree" at the end.

---

<Tangent>
Dont let Korpus's last post give you the wrong idea - all shipmates are really good mates and we all go drinking in the same pub every night. We don't really have favourites - this is a Christian website!
</Tangent>

[ 18. July 2006, 15:35: Message edited by: obble ]
 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
When you start a new thread, check back in 3 minutes. If nobody has posted on it in that time, then post again, questioning whether any other shipmates faith is really worthwhile if they don't want to discuss this.

When you have been around a little bit, you will work out where some more regular posters live, so you can use the same trick but naming particular posters in different continents, where the time is past midnight.
 

---

Posted by Crackers & Goat Cheese (# 8783) on :
 
If you enjoy role play, the Ship is a great place to use as your personal sandbox.
Write your posts in what you perceive to be the "voice" of someone from your real life whom you find irritating. Your boss, one of your colleagues, or your father-in-law are all great targets for your fun. After all, they will never read it, so the joke is on them, as well as all the Shipmates who read it and cringe.

To really have fun, write an offensive post and then sit back and enjoy the annoyed response. Peaople are really chewing out your father-in-law on your behalf, and the poor shmucks don't even realize it!
 

---

Posted by Lowly Worm (# 11663) on :
 
As a newbie, I of course am reading this thread with great interest. I have taken copious notes on what to do and plan to consult these notes every time I post here.

I assume you would also recommend to newbies that if we read this thread, we don't need to bother reading the FAQs, because you've spelled out everything so well here!

(p.s., don't worry, I've lurked long enough to know what to take seriously)

-Lowly
 

---

Posted by Posy (# 10858) on :
 
No-one expects you to read lengthy posts in detail. That would reduce the amount of time you get to spend posting yourself. So just scan other posts for key words and phrases, then trust your instincts and make assumptions about what the other posters on the thread mean to say. Now it's time for you to dive in and put them right!

[ 18. July 2006, 17:41: Message edited by: Posy ]
 

---

Posted by Corpus cani (# 1663) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lowly Worm:
(p.s., don't worry, I've lurked long enough to know what to take seriously)

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lowly Worm:

I assume you would also recommend to newbies that if we read this thread, we don't need to bother reading the FAQs, because you've spelled out everything so well here!

---

Yes, and this thread also saves you having to read the 10 Commandments and the guides to the individual boards.
 

---

Posted by duchess (# 2764) on :
 
Try disrupting various threads all over the board like spam, avoiding hell for awhile...try not to make sense and have an agenda just to disrupt and being cruel. This may result in people waking up to things you deem crucial to them in their walk on earth.
1) Salvation (how to get to heaven)
2) Losing weight for fatties
3) Capitalism
4) Socialism
5) DEAD HORSE SUBJECTS (please, DO ignore the dead horse area...do not graze around there and get caught up with things).


Oh, do make a point of saying "I did not bother to read this entire 18 page thread before posting since what i have to say is too important for me to keep it to myself, but what you all have discussed is too unimmportant for me to even peruse." MAKE SURE you post something after saying that that somebody else has written already!

Oh, and when you do get to posting in hell, feel free to be irrational and not have any point to any debate in hell. Just cuss a lot and say nasty things, then you'll be cool!

Remember, you need to be cruel to be kind!

[ 18. July 2006, 18:23: Message edited by: duchess ]
 

---

Posted by Crackers & Goat Cheese (# 8783) on :
 
Posting while drunk will help you to fit in with many of the regulars.
You don't have to mention that you are drunk, though; people usually figure it out fairly quickly.
 

---

Posted by obble (# 10868) on :
 
IMNSHO ISTM that you should keep your posts concice on SoF by using many abreviations, but OTOH YMMV.

BRB
 

---

Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by luvanddaisies:

quote:

---

QUOTE:

ORIGINALLY POSTED BY EMMA.:
ITS MUCH QUICKER IF YOU TYPE IN TXT SPK. OR CAPITALS. BOTH MAKE IT FAR EASIER TO READ.

C U L8R

---

...AND IF NOONE HAS EXPRESSLY ACKNOWLEDGED YOUR AMAZING POST, POST IT AGAIN, IN CAPITAL LETTERS, TO MAKE SURE THEY NOTICE IT.

---

quote:

---

Now there's your first mistake. What a good job we're here to save you from yourself.

Never EVER take anything on the Ship seriously, well except maybe in The Circus.

Glad to have saved you there, little one.

Cc

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lowly Worm:
I've lurked long enough...

---

quote:

---

And since this is Hell, fuck!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
If you agree with a post, especially a really lengthy one, don't just say you agree. Some shipmates have very short attention spans, and can easily forget who said what. Help them out by quoting the entire post in your reply, and adding "I agree" at the end.

---

No, no -- don't listen to him. If you agree with the preceeding post, you merely say, "What he/she said." But it is true that if you add the smilie, it will earn you extra points.
 

---

Posted by aj (# 1383) on :
 
Mornington Crescent!!!

stops...looks around like the `Mahna Mahna' Muppet...rubs eyes....mumbles apology and goes back to sleep.
 

---

Posted by MSHB (# 9228) on :
 
Because it is SO!!!! hard to express ***your*** feelings with "plain text", make *SURE* you liberally use every punctuation mark (!) and text format available!!!!!!!!
 

---

Posted by AdamPater (# 4431) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by aj:
Mornington Crescent!!!

stops...looks around like the `Mahna Mahna' Muppet...rubs eyes....mumbles apology and goes back to sleep.

---

You have no idea how close this thread just came to closure by reflex.

Or perhaps you do.

AdamPater.

[ETA: Don't worry about your code either, that's what hosts are for.]

[ 19. July 2006, 05:16: Message edited by: AdamPater ]
 

---

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Put the entire poem "Hunting of the Snark" in your sig.

Out your shipmates! Post the real names, addresses, occupations, and phone numbers of shipmates who don't have the time to do it for themselves. They'll thank you. Their lawyers will thank you. Most importantly, their stalkers, exes, and bill collectors will thank you.

Pick a topic that's important to you. Post about that--and only that--as often as possible, on every board.

At every opportunity, say "I thought this was a Christian website!" and sadly shake your head.

Get everyone from your church to join and witness to the lost souls here.

Hold Tupperware parties on the boards. Pass the hostess gifts on to the hosts and admins.

Recruit shipmates to join the downline of your multi-level marketing program. The more people in the pyramid, the merrier! Bribe the hosts and admins with a cut of your profits.

Remind us that humor is a sin.
 

---

Posted by Zorro (# 9156) on :
 
Also, if you get bored, why not start a puppet show? Invite your mates and start loads of alter-ego's, it's great fun.

Also, don't forget to have at least a 20-line signature detailing the condensed form of your opening "here's what I think" thread. It's all right, don't worry, there's no limit on bandwidth or anything like that.

Also, it's a good move to vary your sentence structure, for example don't use the same word at the start of all your sentences/paragraphs.

Also, drinking is known to bring mental sharpness and clarity to your posts, so never, ever post sober. That's important, you'll get more respect that way, after all, nothing like having your thoughts clearly shown in a post!
 

---

Posted by Zorro (# 9156) on :
 
BTW, I just noticed that Adam's post above was edited about an hour before it was posted, weird, huh?
 

---

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
Remember : Hosts can travel in time.

It is always a good idea to set up your own board, link to in in your sig, and mention it ( with a link ) on every post you make.
 

---

Posted by Newman's Own (# 420) on :
 
Should you visit Purgatory, look for the posts written by those who disagree with you about the matter being discussed on a thread. Then, post disparaging remarks about how the person who disagrees must not have anything to back up his position. (He probably wrote a book on the topic...) Second, find a post on the thread which supports your own position, and say that the person who disagrees cannot possibly have read that post and still not agree.
 

---

Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
Gewriten vous postens en eine lingua quel non est Englais. Ein geHosten schprecken das linguas multicale et les enjoi translaten posten.
 

---

Posted by obble (# 10868) on :
 
Remeber that all shipmates believe in a literal interpretation of the whole bible, so there are points for working this fact into your posts. Extra brownie-points for posts which imply that anyone who believes in evolution is stupid, especially if completely irrelevant to the thread.
 

---

Posted by bubblepack (# 10350) on :
 
Constantly tell shipmates how much you love them. Stupid or misguided they might be, it matters not a jot. You love them to pieces now and always.
 

---

Posted by chive (# 208) on :
 
Remember you get thrown overboard if your proof texts aren't from the KJV. We have nothing to do with the so called 'modern translations' *shudder*
 

---

Posted by chive (# 208) on :
 
If you find you're losing an argument the appropriate course of action is to leave the Ship. You are not permitted to do this without starting a thread in hell explaining why the hosts are evil and naming shipmates who you believe are not in the Lamb's book of life.
 

---

Posted by eyeliner (# 4648) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by MrSponge2U:
shamelessly flirt on as many threads as possible.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Grits:

quote:

---

Originally posted by The Great Gumby:
If you agree with a post, especially a really lengthy one, don't just say you agree. Some shipmates have very short attention spans, and can easily forget who said what. Help them out by quoting the entire post in your reply, and adding "I agree" at the end.

---

No, no -- don't listen to him. If you agree with the preceeding post, you merely say, "What he/she said." But it is true that if you add the smilie, it will earn you extra points.

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What Grits said.

Also, don't forget to occasionally say mean things to or about people while posting in Heaven. Fluffy Bunnies can use a little spice in life, Bless their Hearts.

When using smilies, remember that the favorites are and . Use them frequently to make sure you're in good standing here.

[ 19. July 2006, 20:47: Message edited by: jedijudy ]
 

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Posted by Goodric (# 8001) on :
 
Everyone likes Chic tracts on The Ship, why not back up an argument or two with them.
 

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Posted by Zorro (# 9156) on :
 
If you come across the notorious "let's offend" thread in the circus *ick* then be sure to condemn the trash who post such slanderous filth on it, and start a hell thread about how blind the hosts were to it. Then apologise with something like "Don't worry, hosties, just thought I'd save you the trouble-I know it's hard to do your job properly, but I'm here now, and I can help. God bless Erin! "

Never underestimate how stupid some people are here, it's your job to sort us out!
 

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Posted by luvanddaisies (# 5761) on :
 
- Certain posters have little weight or bearing on the life of the Ship. Feel free to ignore and disparage these people. They include Erin, Simon, Josephine, Sarky Cow, Dolphy, Pyx_e...
amongst others.

- Give us updates from your blog - we loooove reading blogs , and find they really help keep the discussion moving...
 

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Posted by David (# 3) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Zorro:
Never underestimate how stupid some people are here, it's your job to sort us out!

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quote:

---

Originally posted by chive:
If you find you're losing an argument the appropriate course of action is to leave the Ship. You are not permitted to do this without starting a thread in hell explaining why the hosts are evil and naming shipmates who you believe are not in the Lamb's book of life.

---

Having done this you can then return to the Ship 24 hours later. Nobody will mind and you will have gained respect for your principled action in leaving.
 

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Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
Remember that posting in heaven is always light and fluffly, so say whatever you like about other there, as no offence will be taken. If you want to be especially forthright in your attempts to help other shipmates, make sure you include the smilie.

If you find that Erin is failing to understand your contributions to the ship, you can always take it up with David, who will listen patiently to your complaints about Erin.
 

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Posted by KenWritez (# 3238) on :
 
Above all, remember that Ship of Fools is not a "real" community, it's just a ragbag of pathetic, self-important wankers terrified of RL and incapable of any real social interaction. Make sure you treat the people here with contempt and dismiss any points they try to make as juvenile and worthless.

Now, here's a little-known secret: Treat everyone who completely agrees with you as your new best friend. Anyone who disagrees with you, even by the slightest, is your enemy, thus to be attacked repeatedly.

Make double sure to never, ever address the points made by the counter-attackers and accuse them of the very thing they're accusing you of.

Works every time.
 

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Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
Be personally offended when someone criticizes something about a group you belong to or even something about another individual in your group: men, women, Anglo-Caths, Con-Evos, Yanks, Brits, Aussies, Canadians, RCs, Chrismatics, Orthodox, clergy, tat queens, alt worshippers, lawyers, health workers, teachers, engineers, or people with any kind of physical infirmity. The opportunities for personal offence are endless and one can remain comfortably in a constant state outrage with almost no effort at all.

My own personal favorite is getting POed at people who DARE tell people of my gender what kind of vocation to have or not have. Nevermind that I myself would not for a moment consider myself suitable for any of the positions whose criticism sets me off. ( mea culpa)

ETA: KenWritez:

quote:

---

Above all, remember that Ship of Fools is not a "real" community, it's just a ragbag of pathetic, self-important wankers terrified of RL and incapable of any real social interaction.

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Hey! I resemble that remark.

[ 20. July 2006, 08:03: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 

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Posted by Pyx_e (# 57) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chapelhead:

quote:

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Originally posted by chive:
If you find you're losing an argument the appropriate course of action is to leave the Ship. You are not permitted to do this without starting a thread in hell explaining why the hosts are evil and naming shipmates who you believe are not in the Lamb's book of life.

---

Having done this you can then return to the Ship 24 hours later. Nobody will mind and you will have gained respect for your principled action in leaving.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by chive:
Remember you get thrown overboard if your proof texts aren't from the KJV. We have nothing to do with the so called 'modern translations' *shudder*

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Goodric:
Everyone likes an annoying sig - something akin to digital irritable bowel syndrome.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Goodric:
Everyone likes an annoying sig - something akin to digital irritable bowel syndrome.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by MSHB:
Always hit the "Add reply" button twice - just in case it didn't submit the first time.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by KenWritez:
Then start inane arguments with shipmates over minutae, such as asking Campellite when he'll realize pork is not BBQ, beef brisket is.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by chive:
Remember you get thrown overboard if your proof texts aren't from the KJV. We have nothing to do with the so called 'modern translations' *shudder*

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by ToujoursDan:

Prooftext liberally.

---

?????????????????????????????
 

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Posted by Sine Nomine (# 66) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Campbellite:
Always defer to the Shipmate with the lowest member number...Except for those who bought their lower number.

---

At your own risk, Buckwheat. At your own risk.
 

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Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
If you find a shipmate who you agree with, follwo them around the ship, posting some nice encouraging message after everthing they post. They will appreciate it.
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
Schroedinger's cat, that is so true
You put it so well!

 

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Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sine Nomine:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Campbellite:
Always defer to the Shipmate with the lowest member number...Except for those who bought their lower number.

---

At your own risk, Buckwheat. At your own risk.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by duchess:
Try disrupting various threads all over the board like spam, avoiding hell for awhile...try not to make sense and have an agenda just to disrupt and being cruel. This may result in people waking up to things you deem crucial to them in their walk on earth.
1) Salvation (how to get to heaven)
2) Losing weight for fatties
3) Capitalism
4) Socialism
5) DEAD HORSE SUBJECTS (please, DO ignore the dead horse area...do not graze around there and get caught up with things).


Oh, do make a point of saying "I did not bother to read this entire 18 page thread before posting since what i have to say is too important for me to keep it to myself, but what you all have discussed is too unimmportant for me to even peruse." MAKE SURE you post something after saying that that somebody else has written already!

Oh, and when you do get to posting in hell, feel free to be irrational and not have any point to any debate in hell. Just cuss a lot and say nasty things, then you'll be cool!

Remember, you need to be cruel to be kind!

---

quote:

---

A good topic is to belittle RooK's abilities as an engineer, artist and thinker.

---

I can attest to this one
 

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Posted by Janine (# 3337) on :
 
You can always think up a lot of OP's about sex.

Sex and the Christian. Sex and the Priest. Sex and the Choirboy. Sex and the Organ. Sex Before Communion. Sex After Communion. Sex During Communion.

The Missionary Position. The Vacation Bible School Position. The Consistory Position. The Baptistery Position. The Vestry Position. Sex In A Vestry.

What is the Proper Christian Attitude about Sex? What Kind of Sex do the Inhabitants of Hell Have? Is There Sex In Heaven? Is There Sex In Purgatory? Is There Sex in the Presbyterian Church?

Yeah, that'll get you right in there as a Valuable New Shipmate. Lots and lots of Sex.


(eta: Brings new meaning to the idea of "pounding the pulpit"...)

[ 25. July 2006, 03:26: Message edited by: Janine ]
 

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Posted by Corpus cani (# 1663) on :
 
You've been giving this quite some thought, haven't you Janine? Anything you want to talk about..?

Cc
 

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Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 
If yo usee a hell call that you have no other interest in, offering to sell refreshments is a good idea - I'm surprised no-one has thought if it before!
 

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Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Corpus cani:
You've been giving this quite some thought, haven't you Janine? Anything you want to talk about..?

Cc

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by someone else but I'm not going to say who:
If you can't think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something someone else posted elsewhere. No one will notice.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
If you are not getting enough, constantly discussing it on every thread might make up for it. Or get you in touch with some other nympho.

---

Getting enought what Mr Cat?
 

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Posted by FreeJack (# 10612) on :
 
You tell us Miss Daisies!


 

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Posted by Campbellite (# 1202) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by luvanddaisies:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
If you are not getting enough, constantly discussing it on every thread might make up for it. Or get you in touch with some other nympho.

---

Getting enought what Mr Cat?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Campbellite:

quote:

---

Originally posted by luvanddaisies:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
If you are not getting enough, constantly discussing it on every thread might make up for it. Or get you in touch with some other nympho.

---

Getting enought what Mr Cat?

---

Dietary fibre.

---

Oh, and has anyone mentioned extended nesting quotes? Those will show everyone how good you are with the quote function.

[ 25. July 2006, 19:47: Message edited by: Campbellite ]
 

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Posted by obble (# 10868) on :
 
If a thread you like seems to be sinking down the board, posting a few lines which don't actually say anything will send it back up to the top without needing you to actually turn your brain on...
 

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Posted by Zorro (# 9156) on :
 
Dead horses is to be regarded as a list of topics which are cutting, divisive and appealing, we never bore of them. Keep starting either direct copies of Dead Horses threads, or threads loosely based on them.

Also remember that real men don't use preview post. People admire your honesty in bad spelling and code, rather than those wimps who use preview post to alter their ideas. Really preview post is an example of indirect censorship on the boards
 

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Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ferijen:

quote:

---

Originally posted by someone else but I'm not going to say who:
If you can't think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something someone else posted elsewhere. No one will notice.

---

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ferijen:

quote:

---

Originally posted by someone else but I'm not going to say who:
If you can't think of anything new to say, just copy and paste something someone else posted elsewhere. No one will notice.

---

---

I think the above comment should be carefully noted.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Corpus cani:
And don't forget to miss the edit window when you post on the wrong thread: Shippies will find your double posts endearing.

Corpus

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