quote:

---

Nobody wants to tell you this, but you have the most annoying, obnoxious laugh anyone has ever heard. Did you ever wonder why flocks of Canada geese suddenly appear overhead when you are laughing?

---

You know you are not the first to notice the quality of my laugh. A man who books studio audiences for sitcoms asked for my e-mail addy. Although it isn't usual to have laugh tracks anymore, evidently they sometimes "fill out" a studio laugh with a distinctive laugh that startles everyone else into laughing louder. A laugh like mine.

(At the beach) You know I've lost quite a bit of weight. And I know that you could, too. You could do better than to look like a beached whale in a swimsuit.

ETA: And yet another X-post. Sigh.

[ 10. November 2012, 06:16: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
On second thoughts, I'll continue, just to simplify matters.

your IQ is maller than your shoe size


Bless you, you're obviously having a bad day and need to vent personally instead of just disagreeing courteously. I don't mind absorbing your ill humour for once; maybe it will save some other, more vulnerable person, fom your attack.


From an aunt to my (allegedly) adult self: " you used to be such a nice child...."
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Jeez! Crosspost madness!)

(At the beach) You know I've lost quite a bit of weight. And I know that you could, too. You could do better than to look like a beached whale in a swimsuit.

I am so glad I am your friend. I get to stand by you and make you look better. I live for it.

Your IQ is smaller than your shoe size.

Yeah, I know, In Outer Bumfukia, my shoe size is about 250. So, close, but a little smaller, yeah.


You were so nice when you were a kid.

I was practicing to be an outstanding adult. Thank you for noticing.

For God's sake, pipe down when I'm trying to talk! Johnny McLastword!

[ 10. November 2012, 06:24: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 

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Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
Your concern for my health is so touching. Just fancy, being unable to string a sentence together while I'm smoking. Tell you what, I will quit, just for you.

Just look what the cat dragged in
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
And cats are known for their impeccable taste.


You fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
 

---

Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
The tree looks much prettier now, without all those ugly branches. Pleased to be of service.

Bit of a rush this morning, was it? Did you forget to brush your hair?
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
He just wouldn't let me get out of bed. You know how it is.


Do you really have to keep cracking your gum like you are the percussion section of an a cappella group?
 

---

Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
Finally, I've mastered it! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I've been trying to get the precise sound of the percussion section. Do you think you could do tuba?

It's so good of you to patronise Oxfam so regularly and help clear out their rejects box
 

---

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
It's incredible what you can find if you look carefully,isn't it? So many people can't be bothered, and miss out on an individual look.


Your next dental appointment is coming up, isn't it?
 

---

Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
I'm so lucky to have you as my unpaid PA - I'd have missed the appointment otherwise and I do like to keep my teeth clean and healthy.

You'd forget your head if it wasn't screwed on
 

---

Posted by claret10 (# 16341) on :
 
Oh thank you so much for reminding me, I would have looked pretty silly going out without my head.

You are a the most boring person i've ever met.
 

---

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Thank you for helping me realise my teaching materials weren't going to work for that lesson. I always find it so helpful to try them out on you first.

That's so lame
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Gold lame always becomes me.

You have a mouth so tightly pursed it looks like a cat's bum
 

---

Posted by claret10 (# 16341) on :
 
Wow that's amazing, i'm so impressed that you spotted the look i was going for.

Your so stupid! If your brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off
 

---

Posted by claret10 (# 16341) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by claret10:
Wow that's amazing, i'm so impressed that you spotted the look i was going for.

You're so stupid! If your brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off

---

ETA (correct my grammer, )
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Then why is your hat sitting so perfectly on your head, while mine is over there on that seat?

You're blinkin' hopeless!
 

---

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
It's these new glasses. I can now keep my eyes open for more than three seconds.

You're as thick as two short planks.
 

---

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Thank you, I'm glad my diet is paying off, so much better to be two planks thick, not three.

You're 2 sandwiches short of a picnic
 

---

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
Oh! We have two more joining us on our picnic! This is going to be even more fun! Do you know if they want pbj or egg salad?

They say that pretty babies grow up to be ugly adults and ugly babies turn into beautiful adults. You were such a pretty baby. (Actually used on me by my grandmother!)
 

---

Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
It's so good to know that I've inherited the family traits.

(Actually said to someone who wasn't pregnant) Wow you're looking well, when's the baby due?

[ 10. November 2012, 14:15: Message edited by: Raptor Eye ]
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Well, thank you! The baby? Nanny brings him in about 5.

You look like something the cat dragged in.
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Last week my cat dragged in the cutest little grey squirrel. Yeah I can see the connection, thanks.


How did you ever manage to graduate high school?
 

---

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Isn't it amazing? All I had to do was flutter my eyelashes at the examiners. I do find it helps to be pretty.


you know, leggings only really suit slim people
 

---

Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Thank you so much, do you like my red ones or my black ones best?

You can't sing a note - please be sure to mime through the next song
 

---

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Oh, thank you so much, I was about to ask you if my bum looked big in these and you've saved me the embarrassment of asking.

You'd look so much younger if you'd dye your hair
 

---

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Thanks you for noticing my heavy cold. So kind of you to let me stay and be part of the concert instead of sending me home. You are such a darling, and so sensitive to others.


When are you going to do what your being paid for?
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
When he throws in a diamond choker. (Wink wink)


(From Steely Dan) Bodacious cowboys such as your friend will never be welcome here.
 

---

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Good. Now I can have him all to myself. You won't mind if we leave early? (nudge).


Did you knit that? I can tell it's home made from across the room.
 

---

Posted by Loquacious beachcomber (# 8783) on :
 
Yes, I took the time to knit that, I have very high standards for my appearance, and find that store-quality workmanship just will not do.

Actual comment from my youngest son, then aged 12
When people get older, they are supposed to get wiser; how come you are older than any of my friends' fathers but still, you are an idiot?
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Because consistency is such an underrated quality in our society, and I want to set an example. One day you'll thank me.


(said to me by a four-year old) You're bad, You're a bad, bad teacher, You're the baddest, baddest teacher in the whole bad school.
 

---

Posted by Imaginary Friend (# 186) on :
 
Oh, thanks kid. I'm writing a beat poem about how tough it can be working in school and I think you might just have given me the perfect ending to it!

Is that what the kids are wearing these days?
 

---

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Wonderful isn't it? So colourful and free, and showing their personalities.

You're going grey. You'd look so much younger if you dyed your hair

Teenage comment to me, regularly
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Imaginary Friend-- what I actually said was, "At least I'm superlative.")

That's exactly my problem, if I dye my hair to match my age, people will not recognize the deep ancient wisdom my grey hair signals.


Why are you looking at that dress in the window? It will never fit you.

[ 10. November 2012, 21:00: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 

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Posted by Loquacious beachcomber (# 8783) on :
 
Thank you for your concern, but I am afraid that I would get very strange looks cashing my pension cheques; besides, my eyes are grey, and I have always been told they are my most attractive feature.

With an enormous ass like that, have you ever considered attaching backup lights for safety?
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Aw, you been lookin'. You go for that badunkadunk don't you, honey?


Why are you looking at that dress in the window? It will never fit you.

[ 10. November 2012, 21:03: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 

---

Posted by Loquacious beachcomber (# 8783) on :
 
Of course the window will never fit me; I am much smaller than it.

Is that your nose, or are you eating a banana?
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I'm actually eating a banana with my nose. It's a complicated trick. Hope I'm not showing off.


I see you have a Kandinsky book on your coffee table. What kind of deluded schill likes Kandinsky?
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
I've been meaning to ask you that since you lent it to me.

Do you think will your clothes ever come back in fashion?
 

---

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
I don't think they ever were. Were they?

You have so many issues, you could sell subscriptions!
 

---

Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
Excellent! I could do with a little extra income

If you had a brain, you'd be dangerous!
 

---

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
But I'd hate to be dangerous, so it's probably a good thing, isn't it?


What on earth were you thinking when you got involved with him?
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I was thinking,"This is one none of my friends will try to swipe."


You know, if you wear your skirt that short, you'll get a name.
 

---

Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
I already have one, actually, it's "Ariston." Don't you think it's rather fetching?

You're just like my ex
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Yeah, I know! She and I have said the same thing! Only she constantly creams me on "Words with Friends."

You know,you should hear what they say when you walk out of the room.
 

---

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Ooh, I'm obviously just your type. Sounds as if we could make a go of it.

You sound just like my mother. I do not mean that in a good way
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
As long as I don't sound like my own mother, I'm good.


You know,you should hear what they say when you walk out of the room.
 

---

Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
Oh, I'd rather not: it would go to my head!

You don't think those clothes are a little young for you, do you?
 

---

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 

quote:

---

You don't think those clothes are a little young for you, do you?

---

Of course not. "Baby tees" are worn by women, not babies, silly.

Gawd, you are such a wuss. Suck it up and deal.

[ 11. November 2012, 00:38: Message edited by: Lyda*Rose ]
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Gawd, you are such a wuss. Suck it up and deal.

Darling, it's always a good idea to consider well before dealing. I've seen so many people make fools of themselves by not doing so.


You mean you haven't got a Master'sdegree?
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I got a Master's Degree in the School of Hard Knocks, baby, and a Ph.D in Life with a capital L.


Phew, you smell like you've been wrestling with King Kong.
 

---

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Oh he was much prettier than that! I just couldn't bear to wash him off.


Do you realise how aggressively you come over?
 

---

Posted by Lyda*Rose (# 4544) on :
 
That was a very good trait back in the day when I played "Red Rover, Red Rover, send (Lyda) on over". I broke across the opposing line of kids almost every time!

You have got one of the most ill-trained mutts on the planet.
 

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Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Actually, he's very well trained on his planet. Funny how those things go. When did you say you're returning to your planet?


Can you say "love"? It's such a little word.
(Said to a child by an adult who didn't have the first clue.)
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Yes, but it's so non-specific. Do you mean agape, eros, phileo, or storge?


(another Dad-ism) Our friend's kid is valedictorian. Why aren't you? You're supposed to be the smart one.
 

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Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
Who? Oh, you mean that loser who can't get a date? Look at it this way, Dad: you want grandkids some day, right? Only one of us is going to have 'em.

Why do you have to ruin everything?
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Archaeologists will thank me.

Were you born stupid, or did you have to practise?
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The fine vintage of my stupidity is the product of years of careful cultivation and distillery. In other words, of course I practice.

(One from a childhood friend, reminiscing) Here I was,new at school, trying to make a good impression, and the first person to make friends with me was the weird girl.
 

---

Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Thank you Kelly - I love to be different, I'm so glad you like me.


Do you have to pick your nose in public - it's disgusting!
 

---

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Oh, no, so sorry, was miles away. Thank you so much for reminding me I was out in public.


What do you think you are doing?
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I'm multitasking, so what specifically do you mean?


(I think this is my favorite insult ever) You know, people come up to me all the time and say,"I just don't know about that Kelly; I don't like her," and I just tell them "you just have to get to know her!"

[ 11. November 2012, 08:55: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 

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Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Isn't it wonderful how much we discover when we start with an open mind and just go with the flow. You get to know such interesting people that way.

Do you really have to learn everything from experience?
 

---

Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
Thank you for the compliment on my learning and experience. May I use you as a referee for my next job application?

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. (Said to me frequently when I was teaching)
 

---

Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
Thank you for teaching me that.

All people from <your political party> are a bunch of [nazis / communists], aren't they?
 

---

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Of course. I only hang out with them in the Christian hope that my holy and healthy attitudes will win them over to more correct ways of thinking. Pray for us all, please, as we will pray for you, that your overwhelming virtue may not lead you into the sin of pride.


As the guest takes a modest portion -Please leave some chicken/roast potatoes/fuit salad for others.......
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(shamefacedly) But they've all said they really don't like it. I was hoping to spare people's feelings by getting rid of it.


When did you become such an oversensitive bitch?
 

---

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Oh dear, and I was trying so hard to empathise with you. I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings, as I can tell by your reaction that I have done. Please forgive me - I wouldn't offend you for the world, and you would be sad to think you had distressed me.


What an amazing house. Are all these things family heirlooms? you must hardly be able to move.
 

---

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Oh, no, I can move just fine! See? [Moves around a bit.] Now, which of my heirlooms would you like to hear about first?

You look really tired.
 

---

Posted by jedijudy (# 333) on :
 
Ah, but it was so worth it! Helping to birth my new little grandbaby was such a privilege; that was one of the best 48 hours of my life!

When are you going to grow up?
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
I know. I look so young it's hard to believe I'm an adult.

You have a face would turn milk.
 

---

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Ooh, that's really good news, I've been practising my scary teacher face, so glad I've finally mastered it.


Are you trying to poison me? about a meal


(Those who can do, those who can't teach and those who can't do either become politicians)
 

---

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
No, dear. If you want that sort of entertainment, have dinner with the Borgias, across town.

You believe THAT book?
(Being religious, scientific, home design, history, or whatever.)
 

---

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My beliefs are legion. Do come to the next Black Mass.


Your breath smells
 

---

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Thanks! In some cultures, breath is considered a sign of personal honesty. To cover up your breath with a breath mint is to lie.

Funny, I can only smell your mouthwash...


Where's that outfit from? Goodwill?
(Thrift store.)
 

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Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
Yes, actually, the one in the really nice part of town—you think I can normally afford Zegna and Charvet on my salary?

When you moved away, the average IQ of both places went up
 

---

Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
I think I just need to suck it up and accept the truth inherent in that statement, because I can't figure it out.


You've never hear of the Trendz? EVERYONE listens to the Trendz. Where have you been?
 

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Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :
 
Trendz, that sounds fascinating, can you tell me more about this?

You're useless
 

---

Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
And yet you keep me around! Awwww...!

I think it's wonderful you don't care how you look.
 

---

Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
Me too!

Did you forget your deodorant, or are we near a slaughterhouse?
 

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Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
This body spray is a bit whiffy isn't it? Didn't you give it to me last Christmas?

Which stage show are you appearing in, dressed like that?
 

---

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
Pantomime of course, it's that time of year.

I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
 

---

Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Why thank you! I prefer not to be weighted down by such things as book learning or "formal" knowledge. I find it more expedient to just my emotional knowledge.

Most people would not have the courage to wear that combination.
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Yes, it does take a strong personality to carry it off. But your pastel outfit is quite attractive too.


I do like your house - it's so lived in.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Exactly, you've got it. eventually it will be died in, so seize the day!


Why don't you quiet down while the important people are speaking?
 

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Posted by Loquacious beachcomber (# 8783) on :
 
I fully intend to; in the meantime, it is good to have you to chat with while waiting for someone with a little more gravitas to speak up.

Do you do daft things often, then, mate?
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
The entertainmant value is why my friends love me.


That shirt is holding out well - you've worn it all week.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The Giants haven't won the 2013 Series yet. Glad you like the shirt, because you're gonna have to get used to it.


What are you complaining about? I'm the one who has real problems!
 

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Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
Yes, you have, haven't you?

Have you always been so obtuse or are you making an exception on my behalf?
 

---

Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
Obtuse is the angle I like to cultivate, it lends a certain alluring mysteriousness, don't you think?

You're flippin' hopeless!
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Really? Thanks for saying that. Jesus came to proclaim hope to the hopeless. I guess I have His special attention now.


Who would want to hang out with someone like you?
 

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Posted by Mamacita (# 3659) on :
 
Someone like you, apparently.


(actually said to me by a colleague:) Jackets like that one are so pretty. I hope they come back in style some day.
 

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Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
Well thank you! Retro is sooo cool right now. Tell me, where did you get those boots? No, don't, let me guess. The garden centre?
 

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Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
No, at Payless, actually, but they would be good for gardening, wouldn't they?

Give it up. You're never going to get it right.

(I leave it to the next poster to decide what "it" might be.)
 

---

Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Oh, thank you so much for offering to do it for me - you are so kind.

You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime
 

---

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Oh, I have faith that you could--and have!


I wish they'd take you up to the space station, and boot you out the airlock!
 

---

Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
I think doing space walks is a bit more technical than that these days, but I would love to do one!

"You're too young to be married with a child! You make me feel old!"
 

---

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
Too old? 14 is normal for round here.

Given the choice of two evils, you'll take both of them.
 

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Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
Mmmm please. Twice the guilt, twice the repentance!

Didn't I see you clinging to a bus-stop, around midnight Saturday? Singing 'Girls just want to have fun'?
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Yeah, you should have stuck around. A crowd gathered, and Cyndi Lauper herself emerged from it an joined me in harmony. Check YouTube, it's all over the place now!

You're just too stupid to understand my statement.
 

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Posted by Loquacious beachcomber (# 8783) on :
 
That does seem possible; however, I understand what most people say. For perspective, do many of your friends, family and acquainances have difficulty following your thought process?

When you looked in the mirror today, did you gasp in horror or just accept what you saw there as your present reality?
 

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Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Both, actually! Isn't it fun getting older?

[Here's one I used on someone once:]

If your professor didn't call you on that, you should be refunded your tuition.
 

---

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
Why thank you. Have you got the cheque?

I have house plants with a higher IQ than you.
 

---

Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
In that case I'd be very careful - houseplants with the intelligence of a genius may suddenly decide that it's you that needs pruning!

I see you didn't have time to tidy up
 

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Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
I know. Once I'd finished my dissertation, taken Kofi Annan's call and citizens-arrested the burglar, the day had simply flown. What have you been up to?]

Looks out of kitchen window - 'I pay a lovely little man to do our garden, do you want his number?'
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
You are so very kind to offer, thank you! He can help keep up what I have worked so hard to achieve.

There is a girl at my salon who does wonders with even the most hideous rat's nest. Would you like me to set an appointment for you?

[ 17. November 2012, 16:10: Message edited by: lilBuddha ]
 

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Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
I don't have rats in the house, but thank you. If I ever spot any, I'll keep that in mind.

I see you're growing your hair out. I always hate that phase when you just can't do anything with it.
 

---

Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
And I just have to toss it back in its natural untamed splendour.

Don't you think it's time you stopped wearing turquoise glitter eyeshadow at your age?
 

---

Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
Sweet of you to care, but I think it keeps me safer cycling after dark.

You have such lovely teeth. Where did you get them?
 

---

Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
I inherited them from my mother.

The children of teachers and preachers are always the worst behaved, aren't they?
 

---

Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
So which was your mother, teacher or preacher?

Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own
 

---

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Don't you know that size doesn't matter? Besides, I'm often accompanied by the great minds behind great books.


Where did you get that ugly painting? A garage sale?
 

---

Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
Yes, it was a real bargain. It's an antique, you know, and will make a fortune when I sell it at auction.

You look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards

(I just know what Kelly's answer to this would be!)
 

---

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
It's the latest windswept look - you're obviously not keeping up!


I see you're into the vintage look
 

---

Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
Yes, at the moment I'm into antiques, can I buy you a drink?


Was that your wife I saw you with last night?
 

---

Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
No, it was yours!

It must be lonely having such a minority taste in music
 

---

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
We do pay a price for our good taste.


I know a remedy for thinning hair - would you like it?

[ 21. November 2012, 06:52: Message edited by: jacobsen ]
 

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Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Oh, don't you worry, loves, they say the hair will come back when I stop taking chemo.

But surely someone with as many degrees as you have could be making smarter choices.
 

---

Posted by kankucho (# 14318) on :
 
Try not to be so self-deprecating. I don't mind your company at all.

Are you a born idiot, or do you have to practise?
 

---

Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
Every day, I so envy your instinctive flair for it.
You incense-swinging tat queens really get up my nose, in every sense.
 

---

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
My wife feels the same way, but hey, in church I'm the boss.


Don't you ever brush your teeth?
 

---

Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
Yes, but I'm going to be a patient for a dental student's final exam, and the instructors advised me to have my teeth nice and messy! And I get free dental work! w00t!


Ohmygosh, you live in THAT house? What'd you do, find it in a Dumpster??
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Isn't it awful? But we're taking part in a TV makeover. Wait till you see it in six months.


I see you're wearing your other suit.
 

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Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
Other than the birthday one? Yes, don't want to frighten the horses.

When there's no more to be said on a subject we can be certain you'll still be saying it.
 

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Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
Someone has to have the last word.

You're still using that old technology?
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I'm a Luddite at heart and cling to tradition.


I see you are running after the latest novelty again.Haven't you learned by now that if you wait a year the product will be freer of bugs and much cheaper?
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I look so cool being the latest trendsetter - and graciously spare you any silly mistakes into the bargain. What's not to like.

What the Dickens are you still doing singing those old songs in that old choir?
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Have you heard the belt sound of the youngsters? The old songs are the best, and so is the old choir's technique. The ignorance of some comments has to be heard to be believed, but now you at least know where the quality is. Thank you for giving me the opportunity of enlightening you.


Leggings? Did you forget your skirt?
 

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Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
Have you seen me in a skirt? It's quite fetching, actually. I don't like causing car crashes from when people turn around to get a second look, though—I know, I know, you wouldn't understand.

Dear Lord, were you born in a barn?
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
You were there, Mom, you know I was. And OK, I'll turn the water into wine, stop nagging me.

You are such a show-off. What makes you think you are so special?
 

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Posted by kankucho (# 14318) on :
 
I have it on the highest authority. Mine.


Well, thank you for your free and frank opinions. They were worth every penny.


 

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Posted by Hart (# 4991) on :
 
They are indeed worth every penny in the universe. It's good for my soul to give them away for free.

It's such a shame you can't afford nice things, isn't it?
 

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Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
It's a good thing that the best things in life are free, isn't it?

Are you going to put something smart on before you go out? (said just after you've got yourself ready!)
 

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Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Oh, I hope you don't mind, I borrowed this out of your wardrobe, retro is "in" these days.

Are you ever going to submit any homework?
 

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Posted by pjl (# 16929) on :
 
You mean I can bring my girlfriend to school.


When are you going to buck up your ideas?
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I have this great idea to play Buckaroo.

Why can't you ever listen?
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
When you say something worth hearing, I will.


Everytime I go near you, there's an odd smell.
 

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Posted by kankucho (# 14318) on :
 
Yes, I've noticed that too.

'I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception.

[ 09. December 2012, 20:16: Message edited by: kankucho ]
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
It's my voice which is memorable.


( Said with intolerably lofty kindness) - Let me do that - it's so easy. You look as if you could do with a rest.
 

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Posted by balaam (# 4543) on :
 
You always wait for something easy before you offer to help.

If you were any more stupid you would photosynthesise in sunlight

[eta - stolen from an old Hell thread, years ago.]

[ 10. December 2012, 12:07: Message edited by: balaam ]
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
What can you expect of a lily of the field?


Don't worry - I know you did your best.
 

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Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
Oh dear, you're so generous I must confess... I was actually stitching you up. Quite successfully as it happened. Now I feel awful, will you forgive me?

Your old vinyls are amazing, I've not heard the Osmonds in years! I was more Dylan and Leonard Cohen myself.
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Yes I can see how Cohen would feed your rather self indulgent depression. But we do have the capacity to change our feelings, and I'm more for an upbeat mood.


[This seems to be rather on the I refuse to be insulted, but I don't mind insulting you, lines.)


Said by an adjudicator at a competition I'm sure with some more rehearsal the choir will manage to get it right.
 

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Posted by claret10 (# 16341) on :
 
Who said we were trying to get it right?

That is a good idea, even though you suggested it.
 

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Posted by Welease Woderwick (# 10424) on :
 
Thank you, thank you, thank you - you see my judgement is improving.

- - - -

What an appalling taste in dress you show these days!
 

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Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Welease Woderwick:
Thank you, thank you, thank you - you see my judgement is improving.

- - - -

What an appalling taste in dress you show these days!

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Oh, I am so surprised you think so. I had taken you as my role model.

You used to be so much more astute
 

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Posted by Bean Sidhe (# 11823) on :
 
Not at all, it's just that at last you're catching up with me so I no longer dazzle. Well done!

Your boy's the spitting image of my trainer! Who do you use?

[ 18. December 2012, 23:58: Message edited by: Bean Sidhe ]
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Oh I think he's better looking than your old boot.


You used to be such a nice child...
 

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Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
Thank you! It was a good foundation for who I am today.

You look like a sack of potatoes tied up in the middle.
 

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Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
Yes, the rustic look really accentuates my tiny waist, doesn't it?

Did your hair have a battle with the lawn mower last night? I see the lawn mower won!

[ 28. December 2012, 15:46: Message edited by: Ariston ]
 

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Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Well, in about four hours, it will all be in dreads. In fact, why don't you come help. That would speed things up!

Your friends are so interesting. S looks like she walks around with her head permanently in the clouds.
 

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Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
Yes she is tall and elegant, isn't she?

Your legs are so thin they look like a couple of brittle twigs.
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Fantastic in trousers, aren't they?


Thin legs denote a wonderfully low BMI. You should try to get yours down, too.
 

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Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Oh I was reading just yesterday that those of us with a slightly higher BMI are actually healthier. When it looks like I can be both beautiful and long-lived, why settle for less?

Speaking of settling for less, I met your husband at the grocery story Tuesday morning. Is he ever going to get a job?
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
You met him at the grocery store because he is the Managing Director. Of all the stores with the same name in the whole of Great Britain.

At school you were so shy and mousy looking that I didn't really notice you.
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
And now you do. Bless!


You're a shelf stacker in a supermarket? How pleasant to have such an undemanding job.
 

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Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Yeah, writing masterpieces is fun and renumerative, but I find that if I spend too much time with the intellectual elite, I forget how the rest of you actually talk.

Now you're just whining. You should be grateful you have it easier than your grandparents!
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Yeah, I guess it does sound like that. I was just trying to tone it down, because it's gotten back to me that, when I talk about all the wonderful, marvelous things that are happening in my life that aren't happening in yours, you complain about me bragging. Guess I have to hit that golden mean, eh?

It's useless answering your questions about baseball. You'll never appreciated it like I do. (Another Momism)
 

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Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
I must allow you to think that there's one thing you know more about than me.

Your beard looks as though a bird has nested in it.
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Oh good - I was going for the Biblical look.


Fee, fie, foe, fum, I smell the - oh, it's you.
 

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Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Ah, so I see I succeeded in looking and even smelling English. Wonderful!

Now, I'm certainly not trying to criticize you or anything, but I thought you might want to know: No one likes what you've been doing lately and <hordes of insults that clearly originate from the speaker not some mysterious group of nay-sayers>
 

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Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
Some people simply don't want us to change things for the better.

Don't you have trouble eating without putting your teeth in?
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
The guys kinda like it. HEY, NOW!


What have you done with your life? Loser!
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I prefer to concentrate on the things I can take with me when I die.


Do you really find that all your many expensive possessions compensate for the lack of love in your life?
 

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Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
Yes
Now, what was it you wanted to borrow?

You shouldn't worry about still being single as, by the time they get to your age, men are usually looking for the "second time around".
 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
That's funny, I did notice your husband taking great interest in me the other day.

My grandmother wore a coat just like that when it was in fashion.
 

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Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Maybe I'm bringing it into fashion again then. I've had three compliments on it just today!

Oh my! Your outfit today is very original. It reminds me of a ostrich really.
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
That's an ostrich,as a matter of fact. I always feel that good use of language is what really defines us.


My mother always said that you milked your greater age.
 

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Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
Maturity sweeps the floor with the green broom.

My word, you do look ill!
 

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Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
Ah, so I am getting better with makeup. Think the boss will send me home without me having to lie and say I'm sick?

Why don't you grow up and wear normal clothes?
 

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Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
Why, are you after my hand-me-downs?

I guess you're not bad for your age
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
You underestimate me. I can be very, very bad indeed.


We really do love you, in spite of everything.
 

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Posted by TomOfTarsus (# 3053) on :
 
Then you are indeed fine Christian people! I suppose I may grace you with my presence more often!


Do you have to talk that way? I've completely had it with your fart talk!

(Actual example of my dear beloved's complaint to her brother!)
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Look on the bright side - I don't try to ignite them.


It's been so peaceful while you were away.
 

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Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
I'm glad it didn't all fall apart without me - it was peaceful where I was too

You're really helpful when I'm trying to make a decision - I get your advice and then do the opposite, it always works!
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I know - it's a pleasure to manipulate you.


You bring stubborn to previously unknown levels of impenetrability.
 

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Posted by Sir Kevin (# 3492) on :
 
What? Are you accusing me of being a goat?

My, that is a long skirt! Even the newest Supreme Court justice wears one shorter than that and she likely has better legs!
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I only show my legs to very close friends.


Said to a dear friend -
Wow - shaving your beard off has changed you completely. You look like an Irish estate agent.
 

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Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
Thank you. My healthy colouring really comes through now, eh?

You trumped-up big-head!
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
I'm so sorry - I had really no intention of making you feel insecure.


Late again? You're so laid back you're practically horizontal.
 

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Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
It's the reason I'm never off sick, stress is so harmful to our health.

Your teeth look like a piano keyboard!
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
You noticed I've had them done! Thank you!


I could see you were in difficulties there. Do ask for help when you need it.
 

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Posted by pimple (# 10635) on :
 
Gosh, you're so kind. I have a spare hour or two now. Your place or mine?

Is this your, um, hat?
 

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Posted by Gwai (# 11076) on :
 
No, it's my meh hat. My umm hat is much stranger looking.

How on earth did you manage to live on your own for so many years?
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
High standards and inner strength.


It was great to meet your partner. I see your lame duck proclivities are alive and well.
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Birds of a feather, as they say.

I don't know why you're so pleased with yourself. Anyone could have done that.

[ 02. February 2013, 05:58: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 

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Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Thank you so much for noticing that I was the one who chose to do it.

Do you have to pick your nose in public?
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Darling, you are not public. You are very specially you.


Have you tried charcoal biscuits for your flatulence?
 

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Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
I decided against it as they clearly don't work for you.

Were you aware that you have a pimple right on the end of your nose? It looks very unsightly!
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Hm. Maybe if I grew one on the left things would balance out.


( high--fives self-- I like that one.)


(Here's one from my ex) Your sister can really cut a rug. She sure blew you away tonight.

[ 03. February 2013, 03:13: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 

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Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
Yes, we take it in turns in rug cutting, as good sisters do, so we don't both steal the limelight.

I sent you this postcard of a Yak because something about it reminded me of you
 

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Posted by Boogie (# 13538) on :
 
Ohhh thank you - they are such gentle animals, aren't they

Your sermon was so boring I counted ever tile on the roof.
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
As good a way of meditating as any - I'm glad the sermon started you off.


That's a very interesting dress. Did you make it yourself?
 

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Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
Yes it is interesting, isn't it? The home made look always demands a premium. Thank you for noticing.

You walk like a duck.
 

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Posted by ChaliceGirl (# 13656) on :
 
..and if I quack like a duck and talk like a duck...I'm a DUCK!

Oh, you're as pretty as the rest..you just need a nosejob, that's all.

[ 07. February 2013, 18:03: Message edited by: ChaliceGirl ]
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
(Ooh! I've actually gotten this one before!)

Yeah, but there is such a thing as being too pretty. If you really want to shine, you have to be unique. So I find my bigass, bumpy nose really puts that extra dash of the exotic on my otherwise boringly stunning features.

You know, you live in a dreamworld of self-congratulation. Wake up and face the fact that you have a face like a hippo's backside.

[ 07. February 2013, 19:06: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Nice of you to include me. We hippos should stick together.


Are you aware that no matter what the topic, you always bring the conversation round to yourself?
 

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Posted by Smudgie (# 2716) on :
 
But let's not talk about me, what about you?

I photocopied these important papers before giving them to you as I know you'll only go and lose them
 

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Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :
 
That's good, you can use the reverse sides to draw on when I don't.

Is that the smell of your fish dinner clinging onto your clothes?
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
Is that the smell of your fish dinner clinging onto your clothes?

No.

Wanna know what it is?

The only reason you offer to help is to show off.

[ 10. February 2013, 23:04: Message edited by: Kelly Alves ]
 

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Posted by Kelly Alves (# 2522) on :
 
[EXCELLENT.]
 

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Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
Excellent, hm? You know, the most excellent place out of all places would be Heaven, and, after all, that is a place where offending people is generally discouraged . . .
Off you go, little thread
Lord Ariston of the Velodrome
 

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