Ship of Fools: Demands

Thread: Demands Board: Purgatory / Ship of Fools.

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Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :

I've noticed that not only are the most demanding people given more than others ( the squeaky wheel gets the oil, blah blah) but they're usually the least grateful for what they have been given - to the extent of complaining at times that they were not given enough. I've been pondering as to the reasons for this. I'm not convinced that the more demanding people are actually more needy.

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts and observations. Are people happier if they have an attitude of gratitude and therefore less demanding? Are they less demanding and therefore more grateful and happier?

Posted by Tortuf (# 3784) on :

If your desires are met you simply have more desires.

If you are grateful for what you have you have you can have peace.

If you worry about about how other people behave you will not have peace as you cannot affect their behavior by judging it.

Posted by Schroedinger's cat (# 64) on :

I think this is a cause/effect issue, in that people who are satisfied with what they have are happier, and peopel who are not satisfied with what they have - and so are likely to demand more - are less happy - and so are likely to be unhappy whatever.

Posted by SecondRateMind (# 18898) on :

I think this is the 'entitlement' fallacy. Because I am rich, I deserve my riches, and as much more as I can contrive to accrue. Because I am beautiful, 'I am worth it'. (the it being cosmetics to make me more beautiful).

I have yet to be persuaded that any of us is entitled to anything, including human rights. Seems to me, having is social convention, rather than something divinely ordained and sanctioned.

Best wishes, 2RM.

[ 29. January 2018, 17:20: Message edited by: SecondRateMind ]

Posted by rolyn (# 16840) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Tortuf:
If your desires are met you simply have more desires.

If you are grateful for what you have you have you can have peace.

If you worry about about how other people behave you will not have peace as you cannot affect their behavior by judging it.

This .

The practice of Gratitude is vital. It is the only real antidote to an existence, (no matter how enriched), that is burdensome and unfulfilled.
Some might find this vague and say that those who don’t ask don’t get. But then demanding isn’t the same as asking.

Posted by Curiosity killed ... (# 11770) on :

I haven't used it for a while but I used to use:

Happiness is wanting what you have not having what you want.

as a sig.

Posted by Galilit (# 16470) on :

I have never-ending liturgical requests which are usually met the following Sunday (if I get them in before the Order of service is printed off).
I see them as positive feedback and "being involved".
I wish more people asked directly for particular wordings or brought things they'd heard of or seen in Other Shacks to their Minister's/Priest's attention

I also keep a daily Gratitude Journal and have done for a decade at least

I certainly don't see being "the Parish pest" and an attitude of gratitude as mutually exclusive

Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :

Thank you all for your thoughts.

I try to draw the line between making observations and judging people. If I understand more about why people behave that way, it helps me to relate better with them.

If we ask what people want and they reply, it is not the same thing as their making demands.

Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :

I absolutely agree that a position of gratitude for the good things is vital to happiness. Among - high among - my good things are two hip replacements which have transformed my life, mobility and ability to continue working.

However, I did have to press my GP somewhat closely to refer me in the first place - even to give me the form to fill in. It was a - shall we call it firm? - request, insistent and persistent. The hairsbreadth between that and a demand was probably the laborious if gritted teeth courtesy with which I made it.

And the consultant's response upon examining me was that of course I needed replacements. But then, he wasn't managing a budget. [Roll Eyes]

Posted by MaryLouise (# 18697) on :

This is a difficult topic to unpack because there are so many factors that come into play.

Some people come across as 'demanding' because they are strongly assertive and convinced nothing will happen unless they make a fuss. Or they are in situations in church groups or workplaces where they have seen other more reasonable aproaches fail.

Some have a deep (lifelong) sense of deprivation and try to voice that sense of lack all the time. Nothing ever feels like 'enough', the hungry ghost is always on the doorstep.

Some people feel they have more than enough resources and a stable sense of security, comfort etc, and so they can't be bothered to make a fuss or complain. This may be tied to a sense of plenty and even abundance in a spiritual sense so they hardly ever 'feel' the lack of material things.

Some people struggle with envy and the conviction that others have it easier. Resentment sours the demands.

Some feel invisible and unheard, and believe that unless they draw attention to themselves and create a drama around what they need, they will be overlooked or ignored.

Some find themselves in situations of extreme loneliness suffering the lack of any coping resources and are unable to ask for help from shame and terror. Or pride.

For some people the word 'No' means a profound and devastating personal rejection and it is easier not to ask for anything, ever.

Some people have great charm and a knack of getting others to discern their needs and desires and supply those wants, with very little effort.

Some hold a 'scarcity' model that dominates most of their thinking. If they don't respond assertively and urgently and make their wants known, they will be left out and there is never enough to go around.

Some feel guilty making demands and would rather avoid the discomfort most of the time and go without. They don't 'deserve' it anyway.

Some people were brought up to believe they are the least important person in the room and should take care of others first and that self-denial builds character and virtue.

Some people hate and fear conflict, assume others will say no and be angry with them simply for asking. To avoid conflict is what matters.

Some people have acquired great social skills and are adept at knowing when to ask and for what, a mix of realism, confidence and a history of demands met with success.

I've had personal experience in my own life and vicissitudes of most of these aspects.

[ 31. January 2018, 09:42: Message edited by: MaryLouise ]

Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :

Wow! [Overused]

Posted by Raptor Eye (# 16649) on :

I echo wow! [Overused]

Thank you MaryLouise, certainly some insights to mull over.

Talking and listening and being together is probably the only way to do relationship. Our brains, while they must be engaged, are limiters based on our prior experiences and nature/nurture. They can be too ready to categorise.

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