Thread: Famous Headlines of Weirdness Board: The Circus / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
We had for a while a thread about Famous BBC RSS Feed headlines, and assorted ones.

I keep coming across new headlines in the media which I consider worth sharing with the wider Ship crew, and imagine you might encounter those as well and wish to post them, possibly with our own brief and insightful comment, like in the previous thread. I hope I'm not mistaken, and am really looking forward to discovering your curious finds and clever observations!

* * * * * * *

Thus: Welcome to the wonderful world of strange, not quite thought-through or well-structured tag lines.

May I start, please?

I've just found this, from Reuters:

Plane broke up in mid-air after noise - investigators

That's why I love silent compartments on trains. They definitely should have them on planes too.
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
So the plane broke up after the noise-investigators?
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
If think it makes sense to assume it broke up after noise, especially as planes are known to be somewhat on the silent side. But then YMMV.
 

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Posted by jacobsen (# 14998) on :
 
Old, but sweet.

Man falls off bicycle
 

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Posted by Chapelhead (# 21) on :
 
One of our local papers genuinely had

Body found in grave
 

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Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
On Tuesday, the notice outside a Dundee newsagent read "Baptist Rocket Kills Dundee Cow"

A cow, believed spooked by the noise from a firework party hosted by a Baptist church, broke through a fence, fell down an embankment and died. The Dundee Courier even carried a photo of the dead cow.
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
Sky News has just been featuring "Screams in Scotland as Clooney Has a Sarnie".

Who or what was in the sarnie to make the Scots scream has not been revealed.
 

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Posted by Stercus Tauri (# 16668) on :
 
An old favourite stuck on the fridge door for years was from the New York Times: "Creative Tension Grips Yonkers". With certain Goon Show overtones, it seemed somewhat unlikely. (Just checked with Auntie Google, and for once, my memory was good - it's real!)

In NEQ's territory, there was the Press & Journal's legendary "Giant neep found in Turriff", but I don't know if that's verifiable.

I liked the Dundee cow story. Was it a presbyterian or Wee Free cow, I wonder? Could be bad for ecumenical relations.
 

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Posted by North East Quine (# 13049) on :
 
Originally posted by Stercus Tauri;

quote:

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In NEQ's territory, there was the Press & Journal's legendary "Giant neep found in Turriff", but I don't know if that's verifiable.

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quote:

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German police are taking legal action against theatre staff in Mainz for disrupting an anti-migrant rally by singing Beethoven's Ode to Joy.

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What?
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Weird.
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
The city newsletter that comes with my water/waste bill had the headline "Roof rats meeting in January." I was quite disappointed to read on and learn that this is an informational meeting for (human) residents, and not a gathering or rodents.
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From the BBC News site:

Police 'not prepared for honour crime'

At least one group of people not doing 'em! That's a relief.
 

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Posted by Cottontail (# 12234) on :
 
A couple of years back, the BBC website had the succinct-to-the-point-of-meaninglessness headline:

Bat Walk Ha-Ha Fall Man Sues

A man who fell down a ha-ha ditch at a stately home in the dark after the end of a walk to spot bats was suing the stately home. Makes perfect sense now.
 

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Posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger (# 8891) on :
 
China may be using sea to hide submarines.

Cunning. Very cunning.
 

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Posted by Firenze (# 619) on :
 
Icelanders flock to religion revering Sumerian gods and tax rebates

Obviously Valhalla not coming across with the financial incentives these days.
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From Reuters:

'No fingerprints!' chant migrants in Italy

The nation-wide biggest, weirdest Christmas choir ever?
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
BBC News frontpage:

'Whip' organisers of Iglesias Lanka gig

This left me puzzled. Where's the verb? Or is there one? A group called 'Whip' are the organisers of the concert? An eccentric Iglesias now doing a BDSM show, Madonna-like?

It is actually this:

quote:

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Sri Lanka's president says the organisers of an Enrique Iglesias gig should be whipped as punishment over the behaviour of some female fans.

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Which is just as strange!
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
Seen on tonight's MSNBC crawl:

Man falls to death while distracted by electronic device in San Diego.

I **told** you that the electronic devices they have in San Diego are especially dangerous!
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
BBC again very cryptic:

Death quiz man, 86, 'woman's husband'

Absurd? Gruesome story here, if interested.
 

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Posted by Stercus Tauri (# 16668) on :
 
Have to admit to being irresistibly drawn to this headline after being sent the sad care home story link.
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
There have been similar headlines before, but it is always a classic:

Fight breaks out at New Jersey anti-violence demonstration

I don't think they are doing it right....
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
From the BBC:

Giant Mao appears in China countryside

Suddenly, I have a plot for the next Godzilla movie.
 

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Posted by Pearl B4 Swine (# 11451) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by The Phantom Flan Flinger:
China may be using sea to hide submarines.

Cunning. Very cunning.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Sipech:
From the BBC:
Penguin scraps degree requirement

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quote:

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Dog poo DNA test launches in Barking

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Actually I have nothing to add.
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
Also from the BBC website:

India school mauling leopard escapes

The question of why a school in India would maul a leopard becomes trivial compared to the question of how, exactly, a school escapes.
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From BBC News:

Swiss vote on foreign criminals law

There could be an apostrophe missing, couldn't there? I hope voters will say no to a law that's brought forward by foreign criminals! - At least they've got a vote on it...

[ 28. February 2016, 07:22: Message edited by: Wesley J ]
 

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Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :
 
From the BBC:

Star Wars victorious at Empire awards

I want to make some sort of joke about the Oscars striking back, but I can't quite make work out the precise wording.
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
I watch the local news over breakfast each morning (no, it doesn't put me off my food). There are two stories that you can rely on to appear every morning: (1) somebody got shot last night; and (2) somebody's house burned down last night.

Imagine my satisfaction when the following appeared on the crawl: "Suspect shot while house burns." Talk about two birds with one stone.

Lately we can rely on a third story also appearing every morning: "Driver caught going wrong way on freeway."

I can hardly wait to see the crawl: "Driver shot while car catches fire going wrong way on freeway."

[ 08. April 2016, 19:39: Message edited by: Amanda B. Reckondwythe ]
 

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Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Daily Mail Owner Considering Yahoo Bid

That's its demographic after all.
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From the Grauniad:

Prince Sister says artist had no known will

We always thought he had quite a will of his own, but now we realise he was totally will-less.
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
From the Western Telegraph

John Thomas in trouble over penis pictures

Is anyone surprised?
 

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Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :
 
From the BBC:

Tim Peake to control rover from space

Poor doggy...
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From Reuters News:

China trains 'fishing militia' to sail into disputed waters

Why are Chinese railways fishing for militia? Oh... I see!
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
Olympian 'drove drunk with shotgun'

I did not think it was weird until I saw that the report came out of Australia. I really expected the US to sweep the medals in the Driving-Drunk-With-Shotgun event.
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
My local paper provided this thought-provoking headline this morning:

Rent of D.A.'s ex-wife probed

I had no idea you even could rent a D.A.'s ex-wife! I think I'll have one at my next party!
 

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Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Americans to buy Swansea

Why on earth they would want it I'm not sure.
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From Reuters:

Oxford museum exhibits roast under newly cleaned glass roof

Not some historical 'roast' exhibited (whatever that might be!), but just some very high temperatures in the Oxford University Museum of Natural History. A bit disappointing.
 

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Posted by Ariel (# 58) on :
 
From the Telegraph:

"Woman left in bathroom as baby attempts to find birth mother with help of Facebook."

O cruel (but clearly very computer-literate) baby.
 

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Posted by Qoheleth. (# 9265) on :
 
The Tragedy of the Commas:

quote:

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For one Friday every month in 2016, the Pope visits people who have suffered as part of his Holy Year of Mercy.

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quote:

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Perkins was forced to escape by canoe earlier this week when water poured into his southern Louisiana home.

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quote:

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Originally posted by mousethief:
Actually many or most pirate vessels back in the tall-ship day were makeshift democracies, as a despotic pirate captain could be sure of being garroted in his sleep.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Pigwidgeon:
I can think of no headline weirder than the one on U.S. newspapers (as well as many others around the world) this morning.

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Just wait. This is only the beginning...
 

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Posted by Sipech (# 16870) on :
 
In the week following Donald Trump's election, the BBC have just announced: US intelligence chief Clapper resigns.
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Man shot dead in stationary car

Dixit BBC News website. So, his own fault 'coz he wasn't driving away?
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
This one doesn't really fit the thread because the headline actually says exactly what it means, but it still brought a "what the hell...?" from me--so a headline of weirdness in that sense.

From Philly.com (the website for the Philadelphia Inquirer and Philadelphia Daily News):

Pa. man facing child porn charges dies in fall off Matterhorn

How the heck did somebody "facing child porn charges" (he was due in Court on Monday) have the ability to leave the country to get to the Matterhorn to begin with?
 

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Posted by Goldfish Stew (# 5512) on :
 
A visual error courtesy of the Washington Post
 

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Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
Of course their semi-rival publication has a field day with that. Of course.
 

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Posted by Ariston (# 10894) on :
 
Unintentional? No. Bizarrely awesome? Yes.

Flight 666 lands in HEL on Friday the 13th.
 

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Posted by Sandemaniac (# 12829) on :
 
Beach rhino revealed by storm surge.

AG

(Aren't I just helpful? Coochie coo, yes I am, yes I am! —A)

[ 14. February 2017, 02:29: Message edited by: Ariston ]
 

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Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
The link about the rhino has a superfluous square bracket, and the word Beach" should be removed as well, in order to read the story.
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
It's not the headline on this Dominican newspaper that's weird -- it's the accompanying photograph. They mistakenly(?) used a photo of Alec Baldwin portraying Trump on Saturday Night Live, rather than an actual picture of the PG.

 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
On my internet provider's "news" page this morning:

Former Lions Player Arrested while Naked for Third Time

I, for one, am amazed that he managed to get to be as old as he is and has only been naked three times.
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Bristol Police who Tasered own race adviser issued gross misconduct notices

Hm... not clear if 'issued' is in the active or passive form, and if passive, whether past or present. Rubbish headline from the Grauniad! - Story here, in any interest.
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 
3 teens wanted for throwing beer at clerk

I imagine they'll have a lot more than three applicants.
 

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Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Not weird, just obvious.

 

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Posted by Horseman Bree (# 5290) on :
 
Just wondering, from far away: why does yon Boris feel the need to look like a stroppy 14-year-old? Or is that his actual age?
 

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Posted by matthew_dixon (# 12278) on :
 
You've heard of the "Hand of God" - well I think Manchester City have had something similar against Middlebrough today...

Jesus rescues point for Man City at Boro
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
Headline in a newspaper story that appeared on the TV crime drama Criminal Minds:

Woman escapes in collision with her life

Yeah, life has a way of sneaking up on you and smacking you over the head, doesn't it?
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
And another one: crawl on one of the local TV news broadcasts this morning:

Missing woman last seen with Yorkshire terrier driving red SUV

Well, no wonder she's missing! Everyone knows Yorkshire terriers are horrible drivers!
 

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Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
Well, they're little and have difficulty seeing over the steering wheel!

On today's BBC lunchtime news, a correspondent declared that Trump's decision to fire Coney "has come back to bite him in the backside with the ferocity of a swarm of hornets".

Do hornets bite?
 

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Posted by Tobias (# 18613) on :
 
Those wanting more exercise can now Take the leg workout of house-hunting.
 

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Posted by Pigwidgeon (# 10192) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Tobias:
Those wanting more exercise can now Take the leg workout of house-hunting.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Hedgehog:

But, wait, we are also informed Severed toe stolen from Canadian pub (because, if you are going to steal a toe, naturally a Canadian pub is the first place you head),

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quote:

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Originally posted by Hedgehog:

But, wait, we are also informed Severed toe stolen from Canadian pub (because, if you are going to steal a toe, naturally a Canadian pub is the first place you head), while we learn that it is [b]Too hot for planes to fly in Phoenix

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Some planes, depending on the plane and the time of day. Some 20-25 years ago our plane sat on the side of the runway at Denver. The pilot said the weight of the plane, the temperature, etc meant we might not get off the ground. They had to do additional caculations, he said. After a long wait, he got the intercom and told to buckle up because "we are going to go for it".
 

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Posted by lilBuddha (# 14333) on :
 
Shark Attacks Mother Of 3, Bites Off Arm While Snorkeling In Bahamas
I was relived to find the woman survived, but shocked to see that sharks can snorkle.
 

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Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
No, it was the Arm that was snorkeling! No wonder it got attacked.
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
On tonight's newscast:

"The birth rate has fallen to its lowest in decades. The reason? People are having fewer babies."

Well, no sh*it, Sherlock! I would have thought it was because the stork is an endangered species.
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From the BBC News website:

Man who killed two girlfriends gets life

Always chilling: they give death, and receive life!
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From the Washington Post; really made me wonder what that was all about, but as the internet's still there... (there was 'just' a huge reaction to Pence's gesture, apparently)!

Internet explodes after Pence touches flight hardware labeled ‘DO NOT TOUCH’
 

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Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
From the BBC website re Trump

Well it wouldn't be realistic, would it.
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
From the Guardian:

NHS: Sick patients dying ‘unnecessarily’ because of poor care

Leaving out the adverb might have belped. Sick headline dies necessarily because of poor care!
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
Stretching the remit of this thread, but an interesting juxtaposition of headlines at the BBC site today:

Canada opens stadium for migrants from US

Trump aims to curb legal immigration
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
New dangerous cycling laws considered

(From the BBC News main UK page)

What about considering non-dangerous laws? Typical politicians! Bloody useless!
 

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Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
From a local "paper" (online):

Shooting Leaves Rochester Man In Stable Condition

Who knew that shooting a patient could stabilize their condition? I really hope this doesn't spread; I'd think the potential side-effects are too great.
 

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Posted by Leorning Cniht (# 17564) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by churchgeek:

Who knew that shooting a patient could stabilize their condition? I really hope this doesn't spread; I'd think the potential side-effects are too great.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Leorning Cniht:
Dead is a pretty stable condition, right?

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quote:

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Originally posted by Hedgehog:
The Mirror. The URL link reads "escaped emu named flees" but the actual article states that the emu is named 'Farage'.

Of course.

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Somehow that makes it even funnier!
 

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Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 
Dutch police shoot man with knife at Amsterdam airport

Most people need a gun, but the Dutch police can shoot with a knife. Clever Cloggies huh?
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
On this morning's TV news crawl: "The girl was brought to the hospital and is on life support."

Any particular girl, or should we draw a name out of a hat?
 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
Pain-relief poppies give disenchanted farmers a headache

From Australian's ABC. Sweet.
 

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Posted by Ohher (# 18607) on :
 
From some time back, my local rag had a story headed "Boy Heads for Transplant."

No girl heads available, alas.
 

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Posted by Golden Key (# 1468) on :
 
"Scientists Levitate Water Droplets, Figure Out What Drives 'Magical' Behavior'" (Live Science).

Has the Wizards' Union heard about this?

 

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Posted by ArachnidinElmet (# 17346) on :
 
Rat on board causes flight to be cancelled

Surely a human would make the decision? Or was it a surfing rat and the pilots were laughing too hard? Was it a cheese board and planes aren't allowed to fly without cheddar? We'll never know...
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Thai penis whitening trend raises eyebrows

{On BBC World News Asia section)

What the !*^!

 

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Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
I suppose it was inevitable, since labia whitening is also a thing. (A thing to be sedulously avoided, let me assure you.)
 

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Posted by Ohher (# 18607) on :
 
I could certainly Google these phenomena and add to my ever-expanding fund of Useless-&-Disturbing Knowledge, but on reflection, I believe I'll pass. Please refrain from enlightening me further.


 

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Posted by Brenda Clough (# 18061) on :
 
On these subjects ignorance is decidedly the better part. There are things which once learned cannot be unlearned!
 

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Posted by Piglet (# 11803) on :
 
I should say so. Definitely Not Going There.
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
So I just looked at my Google News Feed. One box leads with:

Trump Overstates Size of Tax Cuts in Speech to Farmers attributed to the NY Times. Then, under the heading "Related Coverage" comes this headline: One-year-old girl attacked by family dog in Falmouth.

How the heck is that related coverage?? And it was also labelled "Highly Cited" and attributed to My Fox Boston.
 

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Posted by Sioni Sais (# 5713) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Hedgehog:
So I just looked at my Google News Feed. One box leads with:

Trump Overstates Size of Tax Cuts in Speech to Farmers attributed to the NY Times. Then, under the heading "Related Coverage" comes this headline: One-year-old girl attacked by family dog in Falmouth.

How the heck is that related coverage?? And it was also labelled "Highly Cited" and attributed to My Fox Boston.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
On the crawl of this morning's news broadcast on one of our local TV stations, known for one illiterate blooper after another in the crawl (although I never thought they'd stoop to "idiot's apostrophe")

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quote:

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Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
I wouldn't be surprised.

And on this morning's news:

Suspect in murder, massacre in court

I'd love to have been a fly on the wall of **that** courtroom.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Salicional:
"The steaks were recovered from the suspect."

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quote:

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Doctor: No heart, cognitive problems

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quote:

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Originally posted by Timothy the Obscure:
On Trump's medical exam results:

quote:

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Doctor: No heart, cognitive problems

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Give that headline writer a Pulitzer.

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I love it!

 

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Posted by Wesley J (# 6075) on :
 
SHUTDOWN BEGINS AS BILL FALTERS IN SENATE

Says the WaPo. Ok, but who is that Bill Falters guy?
 

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Posted by Baptist Trainfan (# 15128) on :
 
He's probably a cousin of our old friend Bill Posters. Now he seems to have gone quiet of late, so I suspect that he has not only finally been Prosecuted but locked up.

You may also recall Wol's distant relative Trespassers Will in "Winnie the Pooh".

[ 20. January 2018, 08:40: Message edited by: Baptist Trainfan ]
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Baptist Trainfan:
You may also recall Wol's distant relative Trespassers Will in "Winnie the Pooh".

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quote:

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Originally posted by Hedgehog:
Ah, I'm wrong. Piglet's grandfather was Trespassers W, short for Trespassers Will, which was short for Trespassers William. It was the grandfather who was named Trespassers after an uncle and William after Trespassers.

Source, chapter 3, In Which Pooh and Piglet Go Hunting and Nearly Catch a Woozle.

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quote:

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"Hush!" said Eeyore in a terrible voice to all Rabbit's friends-and-relations, and "Hush!" they said hastily to each other all down the line, until it got to the last one of all. And the last and smallest friend-and-relation was so upset to find that the whole Expotition was saying "Hush!" to him, that he buried himself head downwards in a crack in the ground, and stayed there for two days until the danger was over, and then went home in a great hurry, and lived quietly with his Aunt ever-afterwards. His name was Alexander Beetle.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Hedgehog:
Ah, I'm wrong. Piglet's grandfather was Trespassers W ...

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Indeed it was. We were thinking of getting a sign made for our house saying "Trespassers W".


 

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Posted by Chorister (# 473) on :
 
I regularly walk past a house with that name. Almost as good as the house near a former home of mine which was named Pooh Corner. Not quite sure what the inhabitants were thinking but they named their son Christopher Robin. At least he'd never get lost.
 

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Posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe (# 5521) on :
 
This has to win the Freudian Slip of the Year award"

Men's clinics report erectile dysfunction on the rise

Well, no, it isn't, and that's the problem, eh?
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Miss Amanda:

Just what I needed on a grim, grey Monday when I'm feeling grim and grey.
 

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Posted by Eutychus (# 3081) on :
 
Edmund reaches Australian open semi-finals

Lucy and the High King still stuck in Lantern Waste, however.
 

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Posted by Jemima the 9th (# 15106) on :
 
Camels banned from Saudi beauty contest over Botox.

linky
 

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Posted by Hedgehog (# 14125) on :
 
Currently on BBC.com's "Most Read":

US tortured sibling 'bullied at school'

The article fails to explain why the US felt it necessary to torture a sibling who had been bullied at school. One assumes that it was done in the national defense, and that the school was located at Guantanamo Bay.
 

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Posted by ArachnidinElmet (# 17346) on :
 
Broad Street is closed after a sinkhole appeared in the middle of the road - council, Fire Service, Thames Water looking into it
Can't tell if the wording is on purpose, but cue pictures of three men 'looking into' a hole.
 

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Posted by L'organist (# 17338) on :
 
Boris and the case of the ancient mummy

No, not something suggesting that our Foreign Secretary has taken to chasing 'cougar' women: rather that he appears to be a descendant of the famous "Mummy of Basel". The mummified remains of a woman discovered in Basel two years ago have been found to be those of Anna Catharina Bischoff, the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother of Boris Johnson.
 

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Posted by churchgeek (# 5557) on :
 
Someone posted this on facebook today. It sounds like it could be about college football, but not...quite:

quote:

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Satanic Temple Beats Missouri in Showdown Over Abortion Rights

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quote:

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Originally posted by churchgeek:
Someone posted this on facebook today. It sounds like it could be about college football, but not...quite:

quote:

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Satanic Temple Beats Missouri in Showdown Over Abortion Rights

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quote:

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Originally posted by Amanda B. Reckondwythe:
On tonight's TV news:

Teen Shot by Shopping Center

Good Lord! It's not bad enough that lunatic yahoos roam around with guns. Now buildings do too. What's next -- the library?

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