Thread: Scene 13: The Wise Men leave by a different route Board: Nativity Play / Ship of Fools.


To visit this thread, use this URL:
http://forum.ship-of-fools.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=000016

---

Posted by Musical Director (# 3651) on :
 
He's behind you!!

Leaving behind the happy family, our two? four? ten? who knows how many will make it tonight? Wise Men leave to go back to where fromce they came. Or something. But they have to dodge Herod and his spies! Cue lots of running around the stage...
 

---

Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
Evil Herod, wicked man
He has got a cunning plan

The Christ child he's going to kill
Our Saviour's blood he wants to spill.

The Magi he has tricked with lies
He's using them to be his spies.

(If he knew how wise they are
He'd make a better plan by far).

He needs to find the new born King
Will they, to Herod, this secret bring?

For while the child lies in the manger
His life is in most dreadful danger.

The henchman's sharpening his knife
Ready to take an innocent life.

Will the plan succeed or fail?
Hear the outcome of this tale.
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Yo! Music Director! We gonna FINALLY get that "Mission: Impossible" theme?
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
[Fade-in: establish shot: tour bus departing the parking lot/car park of Mailboxes Etc. where the WM have just dropped shipped the rest of the loo... , er, GIFTS to Nazareth, 2nd Day Imperial Express (gotta save those shekels for the road trip home).

Scene: Interior of tour bus; various exhausted wise men, guys, magi, lap dancers (lap dancers ?) and various and sundry are collapsed in seats.

CWM has perplexed expression on this face. Other WM notice and exchange apprehensive looks .

[...will give time for others to play. Nasty critic sez I has to... ]
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil claps his right hand on the Chief Wise Man's shoulder while his other arm clutches a drink and and a pneumatic armful of lapdancer.

"Ah, Chief, fuhgeddabout dat critic; woid on da street sez he ain't been gettin' any since he lost dat bet and hasta review some lame play, so you might say he's been feelin' a bit dyspeptic.

Anyway, we gotta dodge Herod's torpedoes; dat mook's gonna backtrack us to da Kid if we ain't careful."
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
On the back seat of the bus Wise Man 2 stirs and awakes from unconsciousness.
Awww, my head hurts; what happened?

Notices that his head wound has been cleaned and neatly dressed
Have we a first aider around? someone treated this head wound, and did a very fine job on it.
Head wound? Oh, now I remember I was driving to Bethlehem but was very tired. I must have fallen asleep, a vaguely recall crashing. If anyone will accept a word of wisdom from any of us wise men, don't drive while tired.

Why are my feet covered in animal manure and straw? Have I been sleep walking through a stable or something?

My head hurts. But I'm sure there's something important I need to say ....
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
CWM notices WM2 coming around strides forward to his seat.

What did you say, Two? Well c'mon, man ... spit it out!
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil hands CWM an empty wine bucket.

"Here's point the open end of dis at him when you ask him dat question. Da director's got a wicked sense of humor."
 

---

Posted by Passer-by 3 (# 3711) on :
 
[Enters stage left wearing peaked cap and ticket-collector's ticket-issuing machine. Exits stage right continuing to wear aforementioned peaked cap and ticket-collector's ticket-issuing machine.]
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
<The Scene switches briefly to Herod's Palace. Herod is sitting on his throne eating moose liver and sipping a nice chianti. He looks at his watch.>

Hmmm...

The Three Little Pigs (or whoever they are) should be on their way back just about now. S'pose I should get someone to clear up the moose remains really.

God, you'd have thought my late executioner wouldn't have been stupid enough to decapitate him without putting the plastic floor covering down first. Still, we all make mistakes. Once.
 

---

Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on :
 
(Squeaky tannoy reverberates around the Bus)

Good evening your Majesties, ladies and gentlemen and assorted farmyard animals and lap dancers, Bonsoir.

We are now on the road! We will be cruising at a height of approximately seven inches and a speed of about 37 mph. We will be arriving at our destination... erm... we'll tell you just as soon as we have worked out where our destination is. In the mean time, sit back, relax, and watch our in-bus video which tonight is The Cannonball Run.

Oh, and no smoking in the toilets.

Have a safe journey and don't worry about the potholes or bandits or evil pursuers or...

(The tannoy cuts out suddenly in a howl of feedback. Or was it the cat?)
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
CWM holds bucket for WM2 as he clears his digestive tract

Take it easy, man. Take your time. Tell us what you remember ... Was it important?
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
Oh yes, that was it. I had a dream, a very vivid dream. I'm sure it's important.

I dreamt I was travelling back to Jerusalem when this woman stepped into the road and stood infront of me. She was truly the most beautiful of women, gently glowing and her shear goodness almost knocked me off my feet. She said to me "You can't come this way". So I turned around.

I then took another road to Jerusalem, and the same thing happened.

A third time I turned towards Jerusalem, and again this woman stood in my way. So I asked "Who are you? Why do you block my way?" She replied "I am Molly, an angel sent by the Lord with a message for you. You must not return to Herod, for he has plans to destroy the child that even now your friends are adoring. If you return to him, Herod will learn of where you have been and where to find the child. This must not happen, therefore you must return to your home by another route"

I then saw her walk into Bethlehem, and stand over the sleeping infant in a very protective manner.
 

---

Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chief Wise Man:
Nasty critic sez I has to...

---

quote:

---

(The tannoy cuts out suddenly in a howl of feedback. Or was it the cat?)

---

*nope, not the cat. stable cat is sitting this one out, safe and warm in the stable.*

puuuurrrrrr......
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
CWM looks expectantly, with a bit of panic , at his compadres, Phil, WM2 and WG

Guys.... ?
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 


I SLEPT THRU BABY JESUS!!!

(Wipes eyes)

What was that you were saying, 2? We gotta dodge Herod?
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
An insistent electronic BEEPING fills the tour bus driver's cockpit.

Alarmed, Phil dumps the doxie and jumps over a row of seats to the control panel, which he scans anxiously.

"Bad news, boys. We got two Imperial Destroyers on our tail."
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
We cannot ignore a dream so powerful, and from a heavenly being of such goodness. The further we are from Jerusalem and Herod the better.
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(Checks pockets)

well, I still got enough chocolate to last me a while, so I say we take Twoie's--you don't mind if I call you Twoie, do you? -advice and turn this mother around.

(fumbles more with pocket )
Hey wait...my grass-er, gift is still here!


 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
Shouts to driver
Incoming! Zombie! Zombie!

Set new course to nil-niner-nil!

Let's get the Zorast outta here!
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
<Back in the palace. Herod is getting a tad peeved.>

God... are these fools never on time for anything?

And where's my fricking henchman?
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Well, for Godsake put up the deflector shield!
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
"Hey, we gonna stand her running our yaps or are we gonna get the lead out? Jerusalem's way too small a town when Herod's on your butt."
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
We can make this real interesting and go by way of Tattoine...
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
pulls mobile out of robe pocket. Punches the dialpad madly.

Shla! ha tsi go na! Bethlehem ga nopurri Yerushaleyem. Stat!
 

---

Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on :
 
(fumbles at controls)

Hang on hang on...

Where's my road atlas...

OH NO!! I gave it to the infant...

aarrggh...
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(Ahem) I mean, "righty-ho, Phil! let's get a move on!"

(Strides purposefully toward doomed bus.)
 

---

Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chief Wise Man:
pulls mobile out of robe pocket. Punches the dialpad madly.

Shla! ha tsi go na! Bethlehem ga nopurri Yerushaleyem. Stat!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chief Wise Man:
pulls mobile out of robe pocket. Punches the dialpad madly.

Shla! ha tsi go na! Bethlehem ga nopurri Yerushaleyem. Stat!

---

 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
[camera perspective: night sky, high in the clouds. Two black, angular featured obviously attack craft streak in from the East.

Close up on insignia: Osage Nation Self-Defense Force shield with Spears and Laser Arrows.

Craft caroom downwards and come up on the tails of the Imperial Destroyers.

Missiles are fired which streak forward and cause both destroyers to disappear in clouds of fire, smoke and debris.

The Osage SDF attack craft wing back eastwards.
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil slaps a lever on the console.

An ELECTRONIC VOICE sounds: "Computer engaged, Hi, I'm Eddie, your shipboard computer, and--"

"Can it, Eddie!" snaps Phil. "I read all about youse in da Hitchhiker's Guide and I ain't takin' any crap. Wise Man here's our Weapons Officer, so he says he wants you ta engage da deflector shields."

BWOOOEEEOOOT! Eddie raises the shields.

"Great, now gimme Engineering. Full power!"

"Gosh Phil, I'd love to but I can't. The Engineering computer's keyed to the old Engineer's voice patterns, and I can't override it. You'll have to find someone who can approximate his voice."

"What the f--no, never mind. What'd he sound he like?"

"Scottish."

"Great."

Phil turns to address the bus. "Anyone here speak Scottish?"
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Nice touch, there, Cheif....
 

---

Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on :
 
(to amazed Le Jérusalem bar manager)

Mais non mais non, il s'agit d'une erreur... mais nous pouvons en profiter pour nous débarasser de nos lap dancers sourdes... vous en voulez? Ah bon... merci

(to Wise Men)

Could whoever did that possibly return us to Palestine, please? We're badly parked and they tow you away in these parts...
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
I probably have no right to say this, but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
Always pays to keep the numbers for your exchange program security detail handy, I always say ...

Good lads and lasses, them. Glad the council thought to send 'em along when I came over.

Crazy part of the world, you've got here. Will the strife never end?
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
"Hey, youse guys! It's about time for a Plot Complication to occur, so youse better strap in!"
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
[CWM, satisfied at the turn of events and that's they are finally headed back East and away from this looney craziness, picks his way aft to find a clear seat. He finds one, settles down, pulls a blanket over. He glances down the aisle to the capable Tour Manager and smiles, knowning that he is safe in sound in the TM's hands. CWM nods promptly off into sleep. The eagle feathers in his dunce cap tickle the person behind who sneezes. CWM sleeps on ...]



[Critic will kindly note that CWM _does_ know how to play with others and keeps his forays into alternative universes to a moderate minimum.]

[ 22. December 2002, 16:22: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
I must still be dreaming, because I've no idea what's going on either. Must have been a really bad bang on the head.
 

---

Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chief Wise Man:
[CWM, satisfied at the turn of events and that's they are finally headed back East and away from this looney craziness, picks his way aft to find a clear seat. He finds one, settles down, pulls a blanket over. He glances down the aisle to the capable Tour Manager and smiles, knowning that he is safe in sound in the TM's hands. CWM nods promptly off into sleep. The eagle feathers in his dunce cap tickle the person behind who sneezes. CWM sleeps on ...]

---

(Shakes CWM)

Oi!! Wake up!! Paris is WEST of Palestine! Get us back on track with your mobile magic thingy!! Or get us a Fairy Godmother or something!!

[ 22. December 2002, 16:23: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(sitting in tour buss--my chopper crashed, remember?--contemplating the idea that they have just missed being blown to fragments. Pops Ferrraro-Rocher bon bon in mouth to console self.)
Can I go back to mooning over Baby Jesus now?

..Will he forgive me?
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(looking with friendly concern at WM2.)

You know something Twoie? I'm glad we got this gig together. You're a real swell guy. How's the head?
 

---

Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on :
 
(The Tour Bus is surrounded by 1st century tourists to Paris. They are laughing, pointing at the occupants and generally being disruptive. TM looks around desperately for some kind of supernatural help to return to Palestine, whilst fumbling through French phrase book)

Euh, comment, eh bien ma foi...?
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
Dazed and confused ... especially since TM seems to have spoken dialog in a quote body

Huh? Err, umm, I hope the Good Fairy or somebody with sufficient power (where the TEXAS are the hosts when you need 'em?) to fix this *attrocious* ubb.

Ok, need directions.

CWM Pulls Palm wireless from his robe and flips up antenna. Scratches, pokes and scritches with various hrumphs, errms and hmms. Finally, satisfied look dawns on his face. Hands the palm over to TM

There. There's the directions from mapblast. Something about yellow brick roads and turning at the second star on your right ...
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Tour Manager:
Oi!! Wake up!! Paris is WEST of Palestine! Get us back on track with your mobile magic thingy!! Or get us a Fairy Godmother or something!!

---

Did someone call?
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
The head hurts. Even more so as I try to make sense of the past few posts.

Perhaps I need to think about something more sensible. Tell you what, just what have you made of the past few days. Quite weird, right? First that star; then Herod acting strange; I missed most of the visit to the infant (I was unconscious and sleep walking) but hear we left some presents and put the rest in the post; finally that dream and our strange flight.

What does it all actually mean? Do we know who this babe is going to be? I mean really know?
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil leans back, twists the cap off a bottle of rootbeer, and puts his pink fuzzy slippered feet up on a convenient handrail.

"Ya know, dint we run across a bunch o dem angels back in da stable? Mebbe we could get one of 'em ta help us out?"
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
Well, Two. There is that bit about what Rudolph the radioactive red-nosed sheep (did I really just say that? ) scratched in the dust on the floor of the stable.

Seemed to touch something deep down inside of me, I tell ya. Yessirree.
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
What'd I say?
 

---

Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on :
 
Fairy Godmother!!!

Please please please deliver us from these tourists and return us to Palestine...

Pleeeeeeeeze?
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
Look if you want me to bibbity bobbity something you've some to the wrong fairy

It's a bad hair day and I've a washing machine that's broken down
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(regardng WG2' post)

Oh. Right.

Consulting angels sounds like a good idea.
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
Pssst. FGM. Couldn't we do the bit with our ruby-red slippers or sumthin?
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
Look if you want me to bibbity bobbity something you've some to the wrong fairy

It's a bad hair day and I've a washing machine that's broken down

---

 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chief Wise Man:
Pssst. FGM. Couldn't we do the bit with our ruby-red slippers or sumthin?

---

I could do something with the black suede boots I guess.

You want Palestine? What's it worth?

I mean I don't do owt for nothing you know
 

---

Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
Look if you want me to bibbity bobbity something you've some to the wrong fairy

It's a bad hair day and I've a washing machine that's broken down

---

OK I'll do a deal. I'll fix your washing machine if you get us out of here!!!
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil laughs and knocks his fuzzy pink slippers together.

"Hey, I'll do my part!"
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
Hey, if yer gonna be waving majic sticks about and such; let's just bypass palestine for parts further east, how about?
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
look, all we gotta do is go home by a different route. I assume we took the direct route in the first place, so this time we need to be a little more creative.

How's Greece this time of year?
 

---

Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on :
 
(nips into Le Jérusalem Bar and grabs Les Pages Jaunes. Starts leafing through them in search of readily available and not too expensive washing machine repair shop)
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
Right - washing machine can wait

You want Palestine who can have it - provided I get a ride...

*Clicks heels together and falls over her feet*

Drat

*Waves wand over tour bus and shouts *

"The script so far has gone astray
And I've got a lot to do today
This bus is in the wrong place and time
Send us back to Palestine"
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
And WG2 has a point..has anyone filled the Zombie-Wise men in on the socio-religio-whatever import of the child we visited? The one I have been mooning over with Player Knowledge?

*In RPG terms, news your character has no business knowing.
 

---

Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on :
 
VOOOMMM!!!

KAZAAMMMM!!!



(Silence)
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
"Look, we still ain't settled on what we're gonna do about Herod. If we just take a powder, he'll still try and find us. I vote we fake him out, make him t'ink we got sidelined on purpose, like, ummm...errr...yeah! Like we got invited as contestants on a game show! Dat's da ticket! How's dat idea?"
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Tour Manager:
VOOOMMM!!!

KAZAAMMMM!!!



(Silence)

---

Bother - 21st century

Try again

*waves wand up and down until sparks fly and the air is blue*

$%@£*&$@
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 

 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 
Erm....

Sorry folks but we seem to have landed in the courtyard of a rather large palace
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
<Phone on bus rings>
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Taps FGM onna shoulder...

"'Scuse me, lady. Would you please detour us through Austin, TX so's we can stop for some hot CFS at Threadgill's onna way to Palestine?"
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
Erm....

Sorry folks but we seem to have landed in the courtyard of a rather large palace

---

Orale', we in trouble now...
 

---

Posted by Tour Manager (# 3670) on :
 
BOOOOMMM!!

FWISH!!

CLUNK!

(The Tour Bus reappears in a dusty, nondescript area somewhere in the Middle East)

Different route, different route, they said. I dunno... my tachometer has burned up. My contract only went as far as Paris. You're on your own from here, I need to recover...

(staggers off to personal bunk at rear of bus and sinks into deep sleep, having paused only to switch the Bus over to AutoPilot (wise man and fairy godmother compatible)


 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
<Phone is still ringing>
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(Glancing around for landmarks)

I guess "where the %*&$* are we" is kind of an obvious remark...
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
Look!

It's the western boarder of Ur Customs Station!

We're home, Auntie Em, We're Home!
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
"Hey Chief, are you sure o' dat? Looks an awful lot like central Texas to me...."
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(jumps up and down like a schoolgirl, hugs Chief, wipes a tear way)
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
Sorry folks but we seem to have landed in the courtyard of a rather large palace

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chief Wise Man:
SOMEBODY answer that INFERNAL phone!

---

OK - I get the hint. Once a receptionist, always a dogsbody

*Picks up the phone*

Hello Wise Men's tour bus, Fairy speaking, how may I help you?
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
Ah, hello.

Put me through to one of the 'wise' men.

Thanks ever so much.
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
motions for FGM to hand phone to Phil ...
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(While we were speaking, a hole opened up under Wise Guy, sucking him straight down. moments pass. A rumble and a noise resembling "Spat" is heard, and wise Guy shoots up out of sand upright, relatively near to where he was before.

In other words, I got booted offline .)
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
<Herod waits>

Damn.

I hate being on hold.

<"Please hold, your call is important to us. All our wise men are currently busy. You are call number... One... in our queue. Please hold, your call is important to us. All our wise men are currently busy....">
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
game of hot potato ensues. Wise Guy ends up holding phone and places it to his/her ear ...
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chief Wise Man:
motions for FGM to hand phone to Phil ...

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Man 2:
Does he really think anyone's in control here?

---

The scriptwriter?


 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(Toddles over to TM, hands over phone.)
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
I miss Rudolph....
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
motions for phone to be handed over to Narrator
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
AHEM!

This is truly awful customer service!
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
Impatiently -- strides back and takes phone

HELLO!
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Oy. Can't wait for the reviews on this one....
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
AHEM!

This is truly awful customer service!

---

Hello - oh you again

Just putting you through to - well anyone really.

I mean it is Christmas and half the people are down the pub
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
takes the other phone

HELLO! Double HELLO!

Get on with it, man!
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
Ah, hello.

Don't know if you remember me? I'm Herod - you know, the one who threatened you with possibly certain death.

You're supposed to be visiting me.

And you're late.

Care to explain?
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(Wise Guy holds up empty hands and smiles)
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
Who is it CWM?
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
Oh! Right! Um, err, kind of you to call and remind us.

Ummm, er, we've been called home on urgent business. I'm sure you'll understand ... you being a responsible monarch and all. Sorry we don't have time to drop by and chat.

Perhaps next time?

Oh, we're already across the border.

Don't be sending any messengers our way, OK? We took care of the last two and there's more where that comes from.

Ta!

presses end
 

---

Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
<Takes phone from Fairy Godmother>

Please press 1 for Pointless Excuses, 2 for Small Fibs, 3 for Outright Lies and 666 for The Beast.

Thank you for calling Southern Rail Customer Services.
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
Our would-be host, Two. So glad you shared that dream with us. He doesn't sound very hospitable.

Well, we can relax now. We're almost home.
 

---

Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
<Places phone in the wine bucket>
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 


This is getting better and better....
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
He hung up on me?

He hung up on me?

Child-killing can wait.

I have some very stupid astronomers to kill in nasty ways.
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
Herod? That old wind bag. He can rant as much as he likes, but there's no way he can find out where we are. We don't even know where we are so he's got no hope.
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
WHERE IS MY FRICKING HENCHMAN?!

I'm getting rather ticked off.
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
Camera perspective: in the sky over the border between Palestine and Ur. Sky swarms with Osage SDF fighter craft, patrolling the border against any untoward and unfriendly action. Speak softly and carry a big stick.
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
[Fade-in to bus. CWM, WM2, Phil and Wise Guy are standing in Circle of Power (TM). A faint light is glowing in the midst. They raise their hands as a keening, sound swells in crescendo]

Herod's such a nasty guy
Herod needs to slowly die
So we're hexing him, this we see
He's gonna die from STD's
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Man 2:
Herod? That old wind bag. He can rant as much as he likes, but there's no way he can find out where we are. We don't even know where we are so he's got no hope.

---

Can't you read - in a courtyard of a large large palace in Palestine

(men)
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Unless he tagged us with a tracer before we left...

(pales, begins slapping at clothing.)
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
And why's there a "love-wagon" on my lawn?
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 
[fingers in ears with eyes closed]I don't HEAR you! na-na-mumble-blah-mumble-nah-nah!
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Man 2:
Herod? That old wind bag. He can rant as much as he likes, but there's no way he can find out where we are. We don't even know where we are so he's got no hope.

---

Can't you read - in a courtyard of a large large palace in Palestine

(men)

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
I thought we got morphed somewhere else after that.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
I thought we got morphed somewhere else after that.

---

We've already established your track record in that area, though, haven't we?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
I am NOT short!

<Herod's eye twitches>

Anyway. You're fat.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
WHERE IS MY FRICKING HENCHMAN?!

I'm getting rather ticked off.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
Er... Wise Guy, I recognise you from somewhere.

Is this your bus?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
Why yes, you may.

This blancmange with wings is not amusing me.

Do something with it.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
Wanna make something of it, story-boy?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Man 2:
Quick guys, it doesn't take a genius to realise we should leg it.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Narrator:
I've got the rest of the script and a bottle of Tippex, and I'm not afraid to use it.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Angel 1:
the angel summons up all her evilness (considerable) and gives the fairy godmother the nastiest look she can. . . .

F**k off!

she does

A

---

Chance would be a fine thing - but the men around here wouldn't know what to do
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
Er, didn't you eat all my chocolates?
 

---

Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
I can ad-lib.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
Er, didn't you eat all my chocolates?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Narrator:
Can't any of the Wise Men at least drive the bus. Any faster than camel pace would out-distance Herod.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Man 2:
Last time I drove the bus I crashed it. Not sure if it's wise for me to try again, but I will if no one else does.

---

I think you should try . . .
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Lo siento, no comprende....

(Wise guy dives back into bus and begins plowing toward the front.)
 

---

Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
Go for it WM2.

I'll create cover by use of a Narrative Device (it's what I'm here for).

Now,what sort of Narrative devic?

I know - the completely blank page (first used in Tristram Shandy).

That should render you invisible and you can get out of the courtyard without being seen.
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Narrator:
Can't any of the Wise Men at least drive the bus. Any faster than camel pace would out-distance Herod.

---

<Penny drops>

The 'wise' men!

So nice of you to drop by.

Henchman!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
Please F*** off.

Thanks.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
Please F*** off.

Thanks.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Man 2:
the tour bus screaches across courtyard showering all and sundry with gravel, Wise Man 2 drives it through the gate (smashing the gate as he does so) and into the streets of suburban Jerusalem

Anyone know the quickest way out of the city?

---

Is our tour bus black with a red stripe?
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
I hate to point this out, but didn't we have Imperial fighters after us a few pages back?
 

---

Posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd (# 3698) on :
 
LESS MUFFLED SOUNDS ON WASHROOM DOOR

Will someone please GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
No. You just have very active imaginations.

(fools)
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
I hate to point this out, but didn't we have Imperial fighters after us a few pages back?

---

I think they got bored and went in search of Sadam Hussein
 

---

Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
Now, Herod. Any more trouble and the next Narrative Device will be Flashback, and you'll find yourself bed-wetting again.
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Sigh.

(Being the soft touch he is, wise guy opens washroom door.)
 

---

Posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd (# 3698) on :
 
THUMP! CRASH!

D'oh! It's no good. Where's the Fairy Godmother when you need her??
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
Guys, there's something making an odd noise back there. Can you check it out?

Hang on, sharp left turn coming up!

Wise Man 2 steers the bus round the turn mounting the pavement/sidewalk (delete as appropriate depending on which side of the Atlantic you are) and smashing through a load of market stalls. Spotting the city gates ahead he puts his foot hard on the accelerator and speeds out of the city ...
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Who the hell are you?
 

---

Posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd (# 3698) on :
 
CLATTER! **Dep Shep tumbles out of coach washroom on to the bus floor**

Arrgh! Errrr, thanks! Where am I? Who are you?
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd:
THUMP! CRASH!

D'oh! It's no good. Where's the Fairy Godmother when you need her??

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd:
CLATTER! **Dep Shep tumbles out of coach washroom on to the bus floor**

Arrgh! Errrr, thanks! Where am I? Who are you?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:

Did anyone ever tell you you've got beautiful blue eyes?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:

Did anyone ever tell you you've got beautiful blue eyes?

---

Well, one eye is blue... But I'm not fussy

Notices washroom door has closed again...

---

Ummm - we appear to be locked in again

Would you like me to magic you out? or...
 

---

Posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd (# 3698) on :
 
Fairy Godmother!!
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
When did Toulouse get a helicoptor?
 

---

Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Helicopter lands, Evil henchman climbs out and runs across to Herod.

Sir! Reporting back sir!

These wisemen sir? How shall we kill them? There's oil and teacle in the kitchens, plenty of thumbscrews, spikes and pokers in the torture chambers, and a shed load of guns in the armoury. We got baseball bats and steel rods in the sports centre, plus potions and poisons in the turret. Anything more? Anyone more you wnat to kill?
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
The tour bus races east along the nice new highway built between Jerusalem and Babylon, with all the hills laid low and valleys filled in.

We're clear of the city now, nothing to stop us between here and Babylon.

Wait a minute, is that a helicopter I hear?

Helicopter flies beside the road heading towards Jerusalem
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Ah, balls...
(jerks door open again.)
No time for spoonig! The Scooby Gang's in big trouble!
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
We should use a potato peeler to strip off their skin and then pickle them.
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
Ah, balls...
(jerks door open again.)
No time for spoonig! The Scooby Gang's in big trouble!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
We need some Bibbity bop and Fast!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Man 2:
screech of brakes as Wise Man 2 sees a road block ahead

---

**Fairy godmother is thrown to the back of the bus, where Deputy Chief Shepherd has crawled, exhausted

Arrgh...! Not again!

[ 22. December 2002, 17:27: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
Right - to the 'copter!

You piloting, henchman?
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
Unless by an extraordinary stroke of luck those guards are even more clueless than we are they must have seen us by now. We've got to get moving.

Wise Man 2 spots a very rough looking side road ahead running parallel to the border and takes it. The racing bus raises a cloud of dust behind it
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Man 2:
screech of brakes as Wise Man 2 sees a road block ahead

---

**Fairy godmother is thrown to the back of the bus, where Deputy Chief Shepherd has crawled, exhausted

Arrgh...! Not again!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Man 2:
screech of brakes as Wise Man 2 sees a road block ahead

---

**Fairy godmother is thrown to the back of the bus, where Deputy Chief Shepherd has crawled, exhausted

Arrgh...! Not again!

---

Hello, fancy meeting you here.


[ 22. December 2002, 17:33: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 

---

Posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd (# 3698) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
At least I got my priorities straight, you tramp!

---

It's you they're after, not us!

To FG:

You remind me of someone? My nanny?
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
At least I got my priorities straight, you tramp!

---

It's you they're after, not us!

To FG:

You remind me of someone? My nanny?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Deputy Chief Shepherd:
To FG

Hang on, hang on- I've just re-read the script. It says here that the Fairy Godmother is immortal, not immoral. So gerrof.

---

Nope - that's a typing error
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
<Herod starts to grin at the thought of impending death>

#We three kings of Orient are
About to get whacked with a massive steel bar.
With cuts and bruises,
(While Jesus snoozes)
We'll end up on yonder star.

O-oh, star of wonder, star of light,
We've ended up here, cos we lost a fight.
It's hard to breath, we're starting to leave
This life for the endless night.#

This'll teach em to hang up on me...
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
This road is beginning to look very much like a sheep track. You in the back look like a shepherd - where does this road go? And do you know a way off it that crosses the border?
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(are their any sheep on the sheep trail?)
 

---

Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Hearing talk of sheep wakes up Sheep 3, who had crawled into the bus last night for a nap and found Herod's dressing room quite empty.]

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil the Wise Guy walks out of a stateroom, adjusting his robe, he takes in the chaos around him.

"Awww, sheezit! I go away for a few minutes of R&R with my lapdancers and what do I find? Gimme dat phone!"

He grabs the cell phone and dials a number.

"Yeah, it's me, I-- who? Who else pays your salary, you moron? Now look; we got dose mooks from Herod on our ass, and I want 'em gone, pronto! We're in da big tour bus, it's--what? DERE'S ONLY ONE TOUR BUS DRIVIN' TROO PALESTINE RIGHT NOW, MORON, AND IT AIN'T DA POPE! Yeah, finally! Look, you get some boys down here toot-sweet and you ice dese clowns, got it? For your sake I hope so!"

Phil closes the phone.

"OK, we got help on da way, we just gotta stay alive until my boys get here, and den Herod's gonna have a lil' .45 caliber 'attitude adjustment'...."
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Woke up this morning...got myself a gun....

How's it look out there, Twoie? We getting away?
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sheep 3:
[Hearing talk of sheep wakes up Sheep 3, who had crawled into the bus last night for a nap and found Herod's dressing room quite empty.]

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Fairy Godmother:
Nope - that's a typing error

---

You read your script and I'll read mine, thank you!

Did someone say they need a shepherd?
 

---

Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Evil Henchman looks out the windscreen, catches sight of a speck in the distance surrounded by a cloud of dust. They are gradually gaining on it. She points it out to Herod.
 

---

Posted by Joseph (# 3666) on :
 
Wonders what all the noise outside the stable is. Looks outside.

Watches bus zoom past.

Weird.
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
This road seems to be turning away from the border. At this rate we'll be at the coast. Anyone know someone with a boat?
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Phil the Wise Guy:
"OK, we got help on da way, we just gotta stay alive until my boys get here, and den Herod's gonna have a lil' .45 caliber 'attitude adjustment'...."

---

*Looks at Shepherd, looks at Phil, looks back at shepherd*

Gosh - the choices a girl has to make
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
Ooh... is that our bus?

Do we have anything we can drop on it?
 

---

Posted by Passer-by 3 (# 3711) on :
 
[Enters stage left carrying coracle on back. Exits stage left contiinuing to carry aforementioned coracle]
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Wait I've got an idea!
Gun it, Twoie!
Trust me! Tell me when you've reached the coast!
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Phil the Wise Guy:
and den Herod's gonna have a lil' .45 caliber 'attitude adjustment'...."

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Evil Henchman:
Rummages around at back on helicopter. Hands a bazooka out to Herod. Brings a box of rockets and a box of sticky grenades back to the seats. Explains:

Rockets push into the bazooka like so. Aim, and pull the trigger. Oh, make sure it's resting on something, otherwise... you know? Ok.

Make sure you hold sticky grenades by the neck, and pull pin, then lob. Don't wnat them stuck to you.

Helicopter is within aiming distance now (just!) so Henchman lobs the first grenade at the tour bus.

---

Lets gues - any minute now they're going to expect me to bibbity bobbity boo something ro other

And I'm here with my shepherd
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Ah, hell with it...

(Reaches past WG2 to push red and pink stripey button he noticed on dashboard. Didn't anyone else? Matching stripey wings begin to unfurl from side of bus to tune of "Chitty Chitty Bang bang"

PUNCH IT!
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
...but hold that thought, FG.
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
<Takes aim... Fires!>

BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

Muhahaha

This is fun.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
Woooah. That's really something.
Sees helicopter recede in rear mirror as the flying tour bus accelerates away.

Guys, I'm not a pilot. How do I steer? We're heading back to France again at the moment.
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Bank! Bank!
 

---

Posted by Fairy Godmother (# 3695) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
Bank! Bank!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
So did we fly into another dimension?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Chief Wise Man:
CWM opens eyes and removes fingers from ears. Mutters:

Is that blithering Fairy Good-for-nothing Mother and that Mad Monarch gone now?

---

You called?
 

---

Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[...and of course, the usual reaction to terror]

*sheep plop*
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
"OK, time to take a more direct role heah."

Phil jogs to the back of the bus, stands on the seat, and punches open the rear roof hatch.

"OK you guys, start passin' me stuff to t'row at him! Gimme all da bottles, books, anyt'ing nice and solid I heave into dere blades!"
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(Heading toward sea...deftly manuevering Herod's slings and arrows.)
 

---

Posted by Wise Man 2 (# 3654) on :
 
Thanks Wise Guy. You really didn't want a guy suffering from vertigo flying this thing. I'll just huddle in the corner and pretend we're on the ground.
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
Ooh, look!

It's the one with the gangster-delusions.

<To Henchman>

10 points to the first one to hit him.
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Use the sheep plop ! The Lord has provided!

And stand by to pull inside...I have a plan....

(chomps cigar in best imitation of George Peppard.)
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
A steady stream of detritus streams from the bus, smacking into and spattering the helicopter's windscreen.

One particularly well-aimed gobbet of fresh sheep plop hits Herod directly on the cheek.

The helicopter's main shaft, nose and skids are now liberally decorated with plastic Hawaiian leis, toilet paper streamers, party streamers and various spangly lingerie from the lapdancers.
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(As castline comes in sight...)

Stand by, Phil!
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Phil the Wise Guy:
One particularly well-aimed gobbet of fresh sheep plop hits Herod directly on the cheek.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
Ooh, look.

It's the one with the gangster delusions.

<To Henchman>

10 points to the first to hit him.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Phil the Wise Guy:
Phil ducks!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
Hey, after all that, I should at least Get the Sheep....

---

Amd I have my shepherd

*looks at bundle of odd clothes that seems to be snoring gently*
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
We could be nice and go get that guy that just fell out of the 'copter.

(Glances back for reaction.)
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
<Wipes cheeks>

<Not those cheeks. Mind out of the gutter, peoples.>

In fact, I'm soooo Not Happy, I think I should do something incredibly evil.

Hmmm... let me think.

I have a pretender-to-my-throne of which to dispose, but I can't find him.

What to do... what to do...

[ 22. December 2002, 18:45: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Phil the Wise Guy:
"... Herod'll never realize he's got a navy."

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
Hey, after all that, I should at least Get the Sheep....

---

[Sheep 3 looks panicky and decides to remain silent while looking for a place to hide.]

*tiptoe, tiptoe*
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 


Feet of clay, little sheep.
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
So I guess the pilot is toast, huh?

And is this about it for the Wise Men, or have we got more to do?
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil grabs Sheep 3 and tucks it under his arm, points its rear end at Wise Guy.

"Wise up buddy! I've got a sheep and I'm not afraid to use it!"
 

---

Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 sharpens the edges of her hooves by rubbing them against an exposed strut.]
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Dude, where's your sense of romance?

(Gently takes sheep from Phil's arms)
 

---

Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Hmmmm. Perhaps you could take out an advert in the papers, asking for the parents to contact you cause they've won something?
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
Yeeeus...

Not entirely sure that'll work.

And it certainly won't make me any less pissed off.

Next!
 

---

Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 slashes WG with her hooves as he attempts to take her from Phil]

Baaaaaaaa.

*whomp*
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Staggering, Phil drops Sheep 3 which "baaaa-aaahs" and scampers away down the aisle.

"Sorry, I'm lactose intolerant and alla that cheese we got from Herod's wackin' me out."

He looks out the window.

"Don't worry about the pilot; looks like some Oklahoma troopers are picking him up."
 

---

Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Umm, okay boss.

Well maybe you could find some shepherds and interrogate them til they say where that damn stable is? Cause I've been there - I followed them. But it was all twisty, and I won't be able to find my way back there again. They could guide us?
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
In fiction, as in life, I can't get a break.

(sigh)\

Well, ther's always Rudolph. The critic said we had some sparks flying....
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
Have you tried talking to shepherds?

I think not.
 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 
Angel 6, who despises long, pointless chase scenes, once again picks up Flaming Sword. With it, said Angel cuts Herodcopter in two, directs idiot-magi bus over the border and into the proper dimension, and then rescues Sheep 3 from massively idiotic plot complication.

Here, Sheep, old pal -- have a drink. I suspect you could use one.

Come to think of it, so could I.

How about you, Stable Cat?

Pours a round of eggnog -- with extra nog (rum tonight) -- per tutti.
 

---

Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
I guesss not.

Ok, this is a real humdinger. We know the kid was born quite recently. And the parents can't have moved with it.

So how about we kill all the babies in Bethlehem under, say, a year? Unless someone gives the couple up to us? Hell, we'll kill the babies anyway, but just not say that. That'll guarantee that no one in Bethlehem will shelter the little tyke.
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
(Angel 6 is obviously lagging. Angels are fools.)
 

---

Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 eagerly laps up eggnog (yum!) and gazes adoringly at Angel 6]

Baaa.

*sheep eyes*
 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Herod:
(Angel 6 is obviously lagging. Angels are fools.)

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Angel 6:
Angel 6 spanks Herod with the flat of the Flaming Sword. Herod appears to enjoy it....oh, dear.

---

 

---

Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 happily laps up even more eggnog.]

Baa.

*lap, lap, sluuuurrrrrrppp*
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil sniffs...

"Hey, what's dat smell? Is it dose dilithium crystals overheatin' again?"
 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 
Angel 6 scratches Sheep 3 behind the ears; Sheep 3....purrs?

I wonder if THIS scene will finally break the seven-page curse and make it to eight?

And if it does, is that a Good Thing?

Gently steers errant Wise Guy away from Herod's Palace Place.
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Sorry Angel, we gots a few more posts ta go befores we hit 8 pages. We just broke 7 pages a few posts back. I think the time zone difference is puttin' the kibosh out da Brits, an' I dunno if we got enough US actors ta take us to 8 pages tonight by da time da thread closes. I t'ink we might hafta pinch hit some Ozzies, unless da Brits pick up da slack on dere Sunday morning.
 

---

Posted by Herod (# 3649) on :
 
<Herod gets back to his palace to find that the cleaners have not yet finished removing moose entrails from the floor. Within a few moments, cleaners' entrails join them there.>

Need some new cleaners now.

Well, I'm sure it'll be done by the morning.

(Better be.)

Where're my concubines? I'm off to bed.
 

---

Posted by Evil Henchman (# 3705) on :
 
Sings as she flies:

The four magi visited me
And my boss – that’s plain to see.
Thought they’d trick us
Leave without fuss
They are quite thick you see

O the stupid wise men and the guy
To dodge Herod thought they’d try
Won’t tell us where the babe was born?
We’ll find him in the morn.
 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Phil the Wise Guy:
Sorry Angel, we gots a few more posts ta go befores we hit 8 pages....I t'ink we might hafta pinch hit some Ozzies, unless da Brits pick up da slack on dere Sunday morning.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Phil the Wise Guy:
...I t'ink we might hafta pinch hit some Ozzies, unless da Brits pick up da slack on dere Sunday morning.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Evil Henchman:
Sings as she flies:

The four magi visited me
And my boss – that’s plain to see.
Thought they’d trick us
Leave without fuss
They are quite thick you see

O the stupid wise men and the guy
To dodge Herod thought they’d try
Won’t tell us where the babe was born?
We’ll find him in the morn.

---

Totally lame, Henchperson.

Don't quit your day job.

Better yet, DO quit it, and go into something worthy of your talents, like ovine waste product management.


 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Sheep 3:
[Sheep 3 looks at violet socks with interest and attempts to nibble them]

---

Here, nibble on this -- Herod's fake crown.

And have some more eggnog....?


 

---

Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 happily inhales more eggnog]

*sluuuurrrrrrrrrrrrpp*
 

---

Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 looks adoringly at both of the Angel 6]

Baaaa...aaa....a
 

---

Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
(At least there's some eggnog left...otherwise, this scene leaves me speechless.)
 

---

Posted by Sheep 3 (# 3663) on :
 
[Sheep 3 passes out from drinking the heavily-spiked eggnog]

*snooorrrreee*
 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by chief stage manager:
(At least there's some eggnog left...otherwise, this scene leaves me speechless.)

---

Well, YOU try improvising under these conditions!


 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 
Here, Stage Manager -- do you prefer your eggnog at Regular Strength, or Double-Spiked?

Angel 6, washed out of the Cafe...
 

---

Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
(Heavily spiked! Then I shall have 3 glasses.)

[Collapses in exhausted heap]

Christmas shopping is madness! And we have those dopey wise men to blame for all this gift buying.

 

---

Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Angel 6:
Angel 6, washed out of the Cafe...

---

How does that happen?
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
"Well, excuse me for a few minutes, then. I've a nice bottle of Valpolicella I'm keen to taste, so I'll be busy for a bit."

Phil cranks up Los Lobos on the bus stereo system and extracts the cork from the bottle, and settles back for a nice time after a hard day of plot extemporarization.
 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by chief stage manager:
How does that happen?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
(comes in carrying empty saki bottle, stares longingly at sheep 3)

You made me love you
i din't want to do it

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
AND NOW YOUR'E MAKING SHEEP EYES AT HEROD?!? THAT SADISTIC NAZI CREEP!?!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Phil the Wise Guy:
"Wisey, they're all the same, those big sheepy eyes, curly hair, fetching fetlocks...break your heart as soon as nibble grass out of your palm."

---

 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
You don't realise, my personal self-esteenm rest so heavily on winning the heart of some sheep...

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
( notice how nobody's asking how we got from Chitty-Chitty Submarine to here?)

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
You're a doll

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
(OUT OF CHARACTER)

You don't realise, my personal self-esteenm rest so heavily on winning the heart of some sheep...

---

That's pathetic... are you under the influence of heavily spiked eggnog? Come to your senses!
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
WE crised along in our magical Chitty-Chitty Submarine until we hit the shores of Jordan, where we were met by a group of Zealot reistance workers, who spirited us back to Jerusalem having given us plastic surgery, fake passports, and a lot of Spumanti
 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Phil the Wise Guy:
"Aren't we cruising underwater at about 20 knots?"

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by chief stage manager:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
(OUT OF CHARACTER)

You don't realise, my personal self-esteenm rest so heavily on winning the heart of some sheep...

---

That's pathetic... are you under the influence of heavily spiked eggnog? Come to your senses!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by chief stage manager:
That's pathetic... are you under the influence of heavily spiked eggnog? Come to your senses!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
HEY MAN, DON'T JUDGE ME!

---

Duuuuude!


 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Ok ,I'm back.
 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Phil the Wise Guy:
"Well, then I'd just like to announce that I intend to strip naked, stand on the roof of the bus, and buy everyone a margarita."

---

What WILL Mr. Tompkins say in the morning?

One shudders to think.


 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
GO PHIL! GO PHIL! GO PHIL!
 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 
EIGHT PAGES!

My work here is done.
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
WOHOO! WE'VE HIT EIGHT PAGES!!!

(wise guy does victory jig with empty bottle of saki in one hand, a wad of stray wool in another)
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
just to make it a non-gratuitous eight pages i am going to sing one last love-song to the sheep...

Who can I turn to
when nobody needs me
My heart wants to know
but still I must go
where destiny leads me...
(Come on everybody, sing along!)
 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
WOHOO! WE'VE HIT EIGHT PAGES!!!

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:

quote:

---

Originally posted by chief stage manager:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
(OUT OF CHARACTER)

You don't realise, my personal self-esteenm rest so heavily on winning the heart of some sheep...

---

That's pathetic... are you under the influence of heavily spiked eggnog? Come to your senses!

---

HEY MAN, DON'T JUDGE ME!

---

Yikes! Didn't you see the winky smilie at the end of my post?

Didn't mean to make you yell....
I retract it all.
 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
just to make it a non-gratuitous eight pages i am going to sing one last love-song to the sheep...

Who can I turn to
when nobody needs me...

---

Angel 6 hums "Of the Father's love begotten" while sleeping sweetly...

(Us, gratuitous? Oh, fie!)


 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by chief stage manager:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:

quote:

---

Originally posted by chief stage manager:

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
(OUT OF CHARACTER)

You don't realise, my personal self-esteenm rest so heavily on winning the heart of some sheep...

---

That's pathetic... are you under the influence of heavily spiked eggnog? Come to your senses!

---

HEY MAN, DON'T JUDGE ME!

---

Yikes! Didn't you see the winky smilie at the end of my post?

Didn't mean to make you yell....
I retract it all.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by chief stage manager:
...I retract it all.

---

Angel 6, mostly asleep, thoughtfully hands CSM another glass of eggnog, then tucks cloud comforter back under chin and resumes sweet dreams, with soundtrack by JS Bach...


 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
And please don't retract it! It was funny!
 

---

Posted by Angel 6 (# 3709) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wise Guy:
And please don't retract it! It was funny!

---

Shhhhhh! turns over, resumes dreams


 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(Finally gets the hint, puts finger to lips, and tiptoes offstage)

[ 22. December 2002, 18:58: Message edited by: Musical Director ]
 

---

Posted by chief stage manager (# 3658) on :
 
Angel 6 and Wise Guy,

It's a pleasure to be in your company. Thank's for the eggnog...


 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil drains off the last of the 1999 Valpolicella, slaps the bus's "SURFACE" controlas klaxons echo down the bus, then strips off his robe, and climbs naked onto the roof of the now-surfaced sub/bus.

He struts back and forth, then bends over and moons.

"YEAH! EIGHT PAGES! WOOOOEEEE! BITE ME, MR. TIM--TOM-- SIMPKINS-- SUMPK-- WHATEVERTHEHELL YOUR NAME IS CRITIC! YOOOOO! YEAH BABY!"

Phil dances a bit more, then announces:

"OK, drunks-- no, I mean, marg-- margaritas for everyone as soon as we land in friendly turrit-- toorit-- soon as we find a good bar!"

Phil clambers back down the ladder, wraps up in his robe, and, winking at WG, falls into his couch.
 

---

Posted by Spare Shepherd (# 3690) on :
 
Meanwhile up on the hills near Bethlehem, the shepherds are looking at their sheep and er- um- er anything else really. Sheep-minding's kinda boring....
 

---

Posted by Chief Wise Man (# 3674) on :
 


What thu TEXAS *happened* here?
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil wakes up enough to crack one bleary eye open and look at the Chief.

"Chief, you wanna get wide with me and do the Cotton Eyed Joe with Wise Guy and Sheep 3 on the roof of the bus? We don't hafta get nekkid unless you wanna."
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
I'm in!!!

(swings empy saki bottle around, climbs bus.)\
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Cummon. Phil ya chicken sh**tt, you started it!
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(takes a moment to appreciate Phil's nekkidness...)
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
ok, since I am here by muself...

Phil dances drunkenly until he falls off the roof, to the delight of several local urchins...

CWM is moved to tears by our display, and writes several poetic metaphysical works based on our dance....

and as i am dancing, the lovely eyes of sheep # meet mine,and said sheep is finally smitten by the deep true nature of my ardor. Slowly she lowers her eyes, and bats them invitingly.
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil climbs back onto the bus roof, wearing only a smile and some interesting scratches.

"Ok, I'm back!"
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
"WG, I gotta tell ya, a sheeps-- a shee-- a sheePPP isnot da best choice for your objay duhmoor.

Yes, dey are nice'n'fluffyfluffy'nfluffy'n'alla that, but tell me, what kinda loo-- LIFE are you gonna have with one?

I mean, what woodjer kids like look? 'Ey'd be all...you know. Sheepish.

All I'm sayin' is...all I'm sayin' IS...is...ewe just think about it, 'kay? 'Kay!"

Phil attempts to dance the Cotton Eyed Joe.
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
easy for you to say; where'd you get the scratches?
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
"Ummmmmm...err...Well, let's just say I got 'em when I was pulling myself up the side of the bus, past a window."
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Besides,right now i'm kinda in contro of the mise-en-scene , no?
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
HA!
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil rolls his eyes.

"Oooh, 'mise en scene,' eh? We did go to film school!"
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
( lower lip starts to tremble. bursts into sobs)

I..I..I CAN"T GET A LOUSY STINKIN SHEEP TO LOVE ME!!!
AND I MISSED THE BABY JESUS!!!|

I"M SUCH A LOSER!!!
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil clutches a hand to his chest in melodramatic angst.

"What? You 'HA!' me?! Moi?"
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
Phil looks shocked all over again.

"You? A loser? Why, just cause you're dancing naked on top of a floating tour bus crammed with Wise Men, sheep, lap dancers, a confused shepherd, a mislocated angel or two, all of us escaping the evil King Herod and his Evil Henchman after everyone but you missed seeing the baby Jesus and his family in in a once-in-a-universe miracle-type event foretold ages previous and destined to be remembered and venerated in song and story for all time to come?"
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Phil the Wise Guy:
Phil rolls his eyes.

"Oooh, 'mise en scene,' eh? We did go to film school!"

---

I took one class...

and it fit, didn't it?

Anyway, you aren't addressing my Inner pain, here, you insensitive bastard.
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Phil the Wise Guy:
Phil looks shocked all over again.

"You? A loser? Why, just cause you're dancing naked on top of a floating tour bus crammed with Wise Men, sheep, lap dancers, a confused shepherd, a mislocated angel or two, all of us escaping the evil King Herod and his Evil Henchman after everyone but you missed seeing the baby Jesus and his family in in a once-in-a-universe miracle-type event foretold ages previous and destined to be remembered and venerated in song and story for all time to come?"

---

Well ok, that's something to be proud of, I guess...
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
"You called me an insensitive bastard! That's...that's...that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me this whole play!"

Phil dissolves into alcohol-fueled sobs.
 

---

Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on :
 
Back in the stable, Rudolph wakes up. Thinks there must have been some of that wacky tobacco in those cigars he ate yesterday, to make him sleep all day. Looks around the stable, sees the babies sleeping peacefully, along with Mary and Joseph, and a shining angel standing guard. Figures this must have been a pretty uneventful day.

Walks outside. Sees an oddly painted tour bus, with a naked wise man dancing on top of it. Then sees Wise Guy standing next to him. Wise Guy gives Rudolph a very flirtacious glance.

Not wanting to know how any of this happened, or what will happen next, Rudolph runs back into the stable and hides in a pile of hay.
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
Jeez, whaddaya got to do to get to page nine? tellyour life story?

Ok, here goes:

I was born in a hovel in Ur. where the voice of Zoroaster called to me and said "You! you will be a wise one1 but not just wise, but also a man of the people...not just a moan of letters, but a regular guy. You-you will be..a Wise guy.. Yeah that's the ticket. Go therfore, and spread yoyr wise-guyness throughout the world."

And then i hooked up with these two other goons who lead me on this death mission to Jerualem AND I MISSED THE BABY JESUS!
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep:
Back in the stable, Rudolph wakes up. Thinks there must have been some of that wacky tobacco in those cigars he ate yesterday, to make him sleep all day. Looks around the stable, sees the babies sleeping peacefully, along with Mary and Joseph, and a shining angel standing guard. Figures this must have been a pretty uneventful day.

Walks outside. Sees an oddly painted tour bus, with a naked wise man dancing on top of it. Then sees Wise Guy standing next to him. Wise Guy gives Rudolph a very flirtacious glance.

Not wanting to know how any of this happened, or what will happen next, Rudolph runs back into the stable and hides in a pile of hay.

---

Great. Wakes up just to reject me Thanks a heap.
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(as basic reading skills kick in...)

Gee, I wonder where rudolph's going?

(wanders over to barn)
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(Peeks around corner at people in shed)
Uh, hullo?
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
<wipes his nose and honks>

"Okay, I'm okay. I'm sorry, I just needed a moment."

"I am a Wise Man, hear me roar!"
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(Wise Guy takes in the scene, sees the family and child--is a little confused by the Twin--but suddenly it begins to dawn on him what he's stumbled upon. Gingerly approaches parents.)
May I look?

(Somewhere in NoCal Kelly Alves begins to well up)

(wiseguy tiptoes over to manger and peeks in. One baby is peacefully sleeping the other is grinning wickedly up at him. He winks at the grinner. He fumbles around in pocket, produces the last of his ferraro-rocher, lays it in the manger, then tiptoes out.

Wise Guy nods to parents, then leaves)
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
(toddles in a daze toward Phil)

I think I just met the baby Jesus.

And he smiled at me
parumpaumpum...
 

---

Posted by Wise Guy (# 3707) on :
 
...and on that note I will go to bed.

Peace,
kel
 

---

Posted by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Sheep (# 3667) on :
 
Having seen Wise Guy pay respect to the sleeping Christ child, Rudolph comes to think he's not such a bad Wise Guy after all. Realizes having the forgot-to-see-Baby-Jesus-regret issues taken care of, this may cure Wise Guy of his unhealty attraction to sheep.

Rudolph climbs out of the haypile and curls up at the side of the manger.
 

---

Posted by Phil the Wise Guy (# 3678) on :
 
"Man, I musta drank some bad stuff! My head!" Phil leans over and noisily yaks into the bushes.

Wiping his mouth, he looks around. "WTF? Last time I checked, we was cruising off the coast of Palestine, semi-submerged, and now we're back at da stable wit da Baby J! O well...."

Phil grabs his ditty bag and an extra Whitesnake tshirt and wraps it around himself like a sarong, then jumps down from the bus, and sees the stable door open.

He creeps toward it and looks in.

The Family of Families is still peacefully asleep.

Phil wipes his eyes and sidles in, stopping at the foot of the manger occupied by the sleeping Deity.

"Kid, it's good ta see youse again. You got a long road ta walk, and it's not gonna be easy. You're gonna need all da love your daddy an' mommy an' family can give youse, so here's my two bits."

Phil takes off his wedding ring. "We lost our stuff at Herod's so we dint have no king-type gifts for youse, so here's some gold as what befits a king."

He rummages in his ditty bag.

"We lost the frankincese, too, da boys at dictionary.com define it as, 'An aromatic gum resin obtained from African an' Asian trees of da genus Boswellia and used chiefly as incense and in poifumes.' So here's my Old Spice deodorant. Best I can do. It's da high edurance, Sport style; stays on longer, smells fresh."

He looks around the stable.

"I don't see nuttin' dat can be myrrh, supposeda be some kinda poifume, according to dictionary.com it's, '...aromatic gum resin obtained from several trees and shrubs of da genus Commiphora of India, Arabia, an' eastern Africa, used in poifume and incense. Also called balm of Gilead.'"

Phil rummages in his ditty bag again.

"Only t'ing I got is my aftershave here, some Brut. Go easy, kid; a lil' goes a long way."

He pulls out some foil-wrapped packets that contain some kind of thin circular object. He looks at them in his hand, looks at the sleeping Infant, then to his hand, then back to the Infant.

"Naw, I don' t'ink youse gonna need dese. I'll hang on to 'em for youse. But hey, you ever do, I'm your guy."

Oh so gently grasping Jesus' tiny wrist with his left fingers, he lightly high fives Jesus' palm to his own.

"You da Man. You da Son of Man, kid. And da woild will never be da same. Glory to God in da highest."

Phils kneels, eyes resting on the gently glowing, sleeping sheep next to the manger, and stands, then honks into his hankie again and quietly leaves the stable.

Walking to the bus, he notices most everyone is asleep.

Laughing, he swings into the vacant driver's position, lights a new cigar, fires up the rumbling engines, and with a hiss of released air brakes, eases the swaying bus onto the night-kissed highway out of Bethlehem, away from Jerusalem.
 

---

Posted by Narrator (# 3680) on :
 
To the tune "Hyfrdol"

I will sing the wondrous story
Of the magi's great escape
How they left the realms of Araby,
Got into a fearful scrape.
Yes I'll sing the wondrous story
They escaped Herod's clutches
Foiled his evil plan most gory
Aided by magic touches.

They were lost, Rudolf found them
Brought them to a stable bare
There the worship of the wise men
Was giv'n up to God in prayer.
Then by a warning wisely giv'n
Went back home another way
An angel from the hosts of heav'n
Came to them this thing to say.

Then Herod chased them hard and long
Often they were nearly caught
But with the aid of fairy song
Safe through dangers they were brought.
By bus and plane and submarine
In ways that were wonderful
Guided by forces yet unseen
Back to their homes most restful.
 

---

© Ship of Fools 2016


UBB.classic^TM 6.5.0