Thread: The Family that Prays Together (well, Worships Together) Stays Together Board: Oblivion / Ship of Fools.


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Posted by Wood (# 7) on :
 
Hi, I'm Wood. You may remember me from some stuff.

Anyway, so 18 months ago I left the church that I had been going to for 16 years on a point of principle, although it was a long time coming, and started going to an Anglican church, and I came here and started a thread about it and people were very supportive and lovely apart from this one guy, but then this is a forum and you have to expect that.

So I'm still going. I'm observing but studiously staying out of the governance of this place. I am making friends. I am falling in love with the participatory drama and subtle variety of the Anglican Eucharist (one Sunday when the Bishop came and he was droning on about something I worked out that in the 20-page service book extract we use alone, there are over 48,000 possible communion services, which gives the lie to the idea that Anglicans say the same words every week).

Mrs Wood's not so keen. She tried. But she's always loved happier, clappier churches and, crucially, she really misses her friends. I have another support group in the local poetry night I help run. She doesn't have that and we haven't been going long enough to build up a new network from scratch.

She also, however, believes strongly that we should be going to the same church. Like really strongly.

So she has been agonising over it. Like sweating metaphorical tears of blood. Me, I'm like "go back, already." She doesn't share my point of principle, and I made a point in The Letter that she explicitly did not resign her membership the way I had. She's been really bothered about it.

But she is going back and we're offering the kids the chance to go with either of us of a Sunday. Old church is an hour later and a lot louder, but it's also an hour longer, so it's balanced as to which they want to go to. And they all use the Scripture Union Bible study notes. So that's not a problem.

But is it a problem? I mean, is there some important spiritual principle I don't know about that makes my wife and I going to different churches a Really Bad Thing? What's your view? What's your experience?
 

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Posted by Lamb Chopped (# 5528) on :
 
Forgoshsakes. It's not a bad thing, and from what you describe, it's a far, far better thing than what you have going on right now. And it doesn't hurt children to see that their parents can make allowance for each other's different needs (you are explaining to them, I'm sure) and can live happily together in spite of the differences. Which bodes well for when one of your kids grows up and becomes an RC nun or a charismatic.
 

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Posted by the long ranger (# 17109) on :
 
Sigh, story of my life, Wood. My wife is at heart a conservative evangelical, I am a woolly freethinker who has been hiding in the Anglican church for a long time. There isn't a whole lot of overlap between us, but we've been struggling to find somewhere we can both attend. We haven't quite got to the point where we go to different churches yet, but I'm not sure we are too far off.

I'd be quite happy not going to church at all - as it is, I frequently have to walk out in the middle of services before I hit something or mutter something embarrassing. It might well be better for my wife to spend time with language and forms she finds more comfortable, unfortunately.

I do worry about the impact on my daughter, but then she has her own problems due to her habit of asking too many difficult questions. I can't imagine where she learned that from.
 

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Posted by poileplume (# 16438) on :
 
Dear Wood, I had exactly the same experience and are suffering from the same angst. My wife and I were happy Anglo Catholics. Then the church veered towards the anachronistic, odd ball wing of Anglo Catholicism.

She became a Society of Pius IX, the ultra traditional Catholics and I became a mainstream Anglican. BUT we detest not going to the same church, that is not sharing. (The children are heathen by the way)

I look forward to the postings.
 

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Posted by Tubbs (# 440) on :
 
Ideally, a husband and wife would worship together at the same church. But life isn’t ideal and spirituality doesn’t fit into a nice tidy box. It doesn’t take into account that one may like happy clappy music with 45 minute sermons whilst the other prefers icons, bells, smells and a 10 minute homily. Sometimes you luck out and find somewhere that ticks enough boxes for both of you that you can live with it. Other times, you don’t and it can be a struggle for both partners. (Even if one of you is happy with the worship on Sunday, knowing the other isn’t brings The Guilt).

If one of you would be happier worshiping elsewhere on a Sunday and you’re both cool with it, that’s fine. You can always talk about the different services together, pray and do other spiritual stuff together. It’s not like, “Church on Sunday as Family” = Spiritual Stuff Done”.

Tubbs
 

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Posted by birdie (# 2173) on :
 
What LC said.

But also, I think there is the potential for this to be a really good thing for the kids, in terms of learning about different Ways To Do Church.

Mr b's preferences and mine as regard worship are very different (but actually are starting to coincide more, which is lovely - horrible when it's the other way round, and you and Mrs W have my sympathies.) Although we've always gone to the same church on Sunday morning, when the kids were littler I used to take them to the toddler service at our local (very) high Anglican place in the week where they learned that lighting candles, and all saying the same words together at the same time, and having an altar are all part of how we can worship God, as well as making up prayers on the spot, and having loud music etc.

Mr b grew up believing that there was One True Way to organise a Sunday morning. I hope my kids even now know that's not the case.

If I attempted to put in this post all the thoughts that your OP provoked, it would become even more reambling stream-of-consciousness than usual for me, so I will stop, but be watching the thread with interest.
 

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Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on :
 
I've always gone to the same church as my wife when possible. Now that we have children I can't imagine not doing this. We both feel quite strongly that we should do this, but I know some couples who I respect greatly as examples who go to different churches and don't seem to have a problem with this.

I think there isn't a problem believing different things about the bible or christianity, and no problem with wanting different things in worship. Humans will never completely agree and children need to see their parents dealing with this in adult and mature ways.

The problem comes in not being able to enjoy family occasions when parts of the family are in different churches. This is particularly acute at baptisms, Sunday school events and the like. Of course one can always attend on the odd special occasion, but I value the sense of continuity between family and church family.

In our case, this has meant we both accept a church community that isn't our top choice (I would prefer a cathedral for my regular worship, instead I get a MOTR parish service, she would prefer a non-conformist hymn sandwich, instead gets a conformist liturgy sandwich with a conformist hymn sandwich on family services).

But we have both been through considerable change in our tastes, and I expect we will again some time.

I suspect it doesn't work where the choice is very close to one partner's top choice and substantially far from the other partner's tolerable zone.
 

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Posted by Josephine (# 3899) on :
 
I know a good many couples who have a do not attend the same church, or where one attends church and one doesn't. There might have been some issues adjusting to that at some point in the relationships, but at this point, tt seems to work for them.

I'm sure it doesn't work for everyone. I don't think it would work if one partner decided that the other was going to Hell. I don't think it would work if one was trying to "convert" the other. And it likely wouldn't work in a "we do everything together" sort of relationship didn't allow room for separate interests and activities.

It's probably good to acknowledge that you've made unilateral changes in something that was considered a "joint" area earlier in the marriage, and to acknowledge that that's not really fair, and that you know that it's hard on your wife. Expressing appreciation for whatever support your wife provides is also a good thing, as is making it a point to support her participation in the parish where she has friends and is happy. That might mean helping her cook for a potluck at her church, or looking after the kids while she attends a women's Bible study, or whatever it is that you can do that would let her know that you value and support her in her decision to do what works for her.
 

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Posted by 205 (# 206) on :
 
All I know is I don't attend the evangelical church my wife does and the other day I came home and found the TV tuned to EWTN.

I have studiously refused to address the topic.

[Our 32nd wedding anniversary is next October...]

[ 14. June 2012, 13:05: Message edited by: 205 ]
 

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Posted by Anyuta (# 14692) on :
 
I have the same issue. My DH is a relative latecomer to faith in general, and is a very... impressionable person. the long and short of it is that over time he has adopted a much more cafeteria style "bible and me" approach to faith.. with the specifics constantly changing. He is strongly influenced by various preachers he finds on the internet, and sadly tends to jump wholeheartedly into whatever they are teaching, untill he comes to some very fundemental disagreement.. at which time he switches to the next guy completely renouncing (for a time) the prevoius one.. it's quite a cycle.

I have been and probably always will be an Orthodox Christian, and to the extent there is any variation, I tend towards the more liberal end of the spectrum. DH went through an uber-Orthodox phase, but it's been years since he's attended church with the family. While I wish we could all worship together, I've come to accept that as with many other htings in our relationship, it works best to liver parallell lives, enjoying the times when they run together, and not worrying too much when they diverge, provided they are not running in oposite directions or perpendicular.

However, one of the things that DH has latched onto in all his religious seeking is the idea that families should worship together. He understands that I am not about to change my faith or worship practice. But he is not quite ready to re-join mine. so... he agonizes about it. he doesn't attend any church, and will come with me on holidays, but generally stays home (or goes to an AA meeting). But it BOTHERS him, much more than it bothers me. so he is often talking about how he wants to want to go to my church with me (he doesn't use that phrase, but that's the gist of it). I'm more frustrated by his frustration than I am by the fact that we don't worship together.

What I do is just say "I'm going to X church tomorrow (two parishes I attend.. one small, close to home,services in English, one large, far, with services in Slavonic) do you want to come with me" and leave it up to him. letting him know he is welcome to join me, but at the same time that there is no expectation/obligation for him to do so.

My kids were much more impacted when Dad went through a bible literalist phase and forced them to read bible passages than they are by the different place of worship.
 

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Posted by Matt Black (# 2210) on :
 
HTF does that work??

My wife and I are in a similar position to you Wood: we left the Bappo gaffe we'd been at for five years five years ago (no that wasn't a typo) mainly because I had moved higher up the candle and quite fancied attending an Anglican or even Catholic church. She hadn't and still hasn't, so we settled on mainly going to an evo CofE place with occasional visits to the Catholic church attached to the school of the older two of our three kids. Most of her friends were at the old church and she hasn't really made close friends at the new place, whereas I have.

But we both consider it important, not so much to worship at the same place week after week, but to worship wherever we do together. Therefore, whilst we mainly go to the CofE place, we also eat at other spiritual tables from time to time, including the Catholic church; we do this together, with our children. That seems to work for us in the main; it also is inculcating in our children a more 'broad church' sensibility in that the two older ones at least are realising that there is more than one way to skin the Christian cat (they also attend the Exclusive Brethren Meetings of Mrs B's parents when they stay there). I hope that this will stand them in good stead as and when they become disenchanted with the main Christian tradition in which they are being raised, in that they will know that there are other equally valid Christian traditions to which they may switch and thus avoid ditching Christianity altogether.

Just my £0.02...

[reply to 205]

[ 14. June 2012, 14:07: Message edited by: Matt Black ]
 

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Posted by Moo (# 107) on :
 
One of my daughters, who is a deeply religious Christian, married a Unitarian. She thought and prayed a long time before she decided to marry him. He is as committed to his faith as she is to hers, and they have great mutual respect.

Their children attend both churches; I don't know just how they divide their attendance.

Wood, I think if you and your wife pray together at home, this is a more important bond than attending church together. However, the problem of her loneliness remains.

Moo
 

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Posted by the long ranger (# 17109) on :
 

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Originally posted by Matt Black:
I hope that this will stand them in good stead as and when they become disenchanted with the main Christian tradition in which they are being raised, in that they will know that there are other equally valid Christian traditions to which they may switch and thus avoid ditching Christianity altogether.

Just my £0.02...

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Originally posted by Josephine:
I know a good many couples who have a do not attend the same church, or where one attends church and one doesn't. There might have been some issues adjusting to that at some point in the relationships, but at this point, tt seems to work for them.

I'm sure it doesn't work for everyone. I don't think it would work if one partner decided that the other was going to Hell. I don't think it would work if one was trying to "convert" the other. And it likely wouldn't work in a "we do everything together" sort of relationship didn't allow room for separate interests and activities.

It's probably good to acknowledge that you've made unilateral changes in something that was considered a "joint" area earlier in the marriage, and to acknowledge that that's not really fair, and that you know that it's hard on your wife. Expressing appreciation for whatever support your wife provides is also a good thing, as is making it a point to support her participation in the parish where she has friends and is happy. That might mean helping her cook for a potluck at her church, or looking after the kids while she attends a women's Bible study, or whatever it is that you can do that would let her know that you value and support her in her decision to do what works for her.

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Thank you. I was trying to work out how to say this but gave up.

It’s good to show that you both validate and support the other’s choice by coming along to the odd event. There are a few non-church going spouses of people attend our place that regularly come along for coffee at the end of service. It’s lovely to see them.

The Hidden Agenda is also a danger – where one partner is secretly hoping that the other will “see the light” and go where they go. (Ain’t going to happen!)

The one time when I can see the whole Going to Same Church thing becomes an issue is when one of you is in leadership. Then it’s a slightly different conversation as it’s not just your relationship that this will impact.

Tubbs
 

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Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 
My husband and I have been going to different churches since I left our old mutual one. It seemed fine at first but lately I'm barely going to church at all. Not sure why. I think it's just harder to go alone and drive myself.

IMO, the partners who think it's really, really important for couples to go to the same church (Wood's wife, Anyuta's husband) probably should be the ones to give in and go to the spouses' church.
 

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Posted by CorgiGreta (# 443) on :
 
It may not be ideal, but I think that it is far better for the two of you to attend different churches rather than one or the other of you feeling that you HAVE to attend a certain church out of a misperceived desire for marital harmony.

Religion is ultimately a very personal matter, and being dragged, as it were, to a church one would not normally attend can breed resentment, something bad for one's marriage and probably bad for one's faith.

Let the children do as they wish. They may choose to sleep in.

[ 14. June 2012, 14:58: Message edited by: CorgiGreta ]
 

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Posted by frin (# 9) on :
 
Different churches do it for Dyfrig and for me. We had a few years in which we went to the same church. Then we helped that church to close, and there was no other church that fitted the midpoint of our different spiritual needs. We've been going to different churches from one another for at least 6 years now, and have both been involved in leadership positions in those different churches. It does not do us harm to worship in different places. Given the distance between our liturgical instincts, it might conceivably do one of us harm to try to conform to the other's place of worship. Not, you know, irreparable long term damage, but certainly it would create discomfort. Occasionally we revisit the question of where we worship. We haven't yet decided how we will deal with these issues when the time comes for me to be ordained into a pastorate.

We both miss the time when we were part of separate sunday morning congregations but also had an emerging church community which met at a different time to which we went together. I wonder if you could find some 'all family together' thing to do (even occasionally) outside of your normal pattern of attending sunday morning congregations, so that the children know that you all can and do worship together, even if there are reasons why you can't find one church for sundays.

'frin
 

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Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on :
 

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Originally posted by Josephine:
It's probably good to acknowledge that you've made unilateral changes in something that was considered a "joint" area earlier in the marriage.

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Originally posted by Tubbs:
Thank you... I was trying to work out how to say this but gave up.

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Originally posted by Twilight:
IMO, the partners who think it's really, really important for couples to go to the same church (Wood's wife, Anyuta's husband) probably should be the ones to give in and go to the spouses' church.

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Originally posted by Chorister:
I can't see any reason why you can't attend each other's churches occasionally

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Originally posted by Wood:

But is it a problem? I mean, is there some important spiritual principle I don't know about that makes my wife and I going to different churches a Really Bad Thing?

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Originally posted by birdie:
Whereas going to seperate churches on a Sunday morning in no way prevents you from doing other 'spiritual' things together.

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Originally posted by frin:

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Originally posted by Chorister:
I can't see any reason why you can't attend each other's churches occasionally

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I can. Wood has left their previous church. I don't easily see how he can now attend there occasionally - unless it changes.

'frin

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Originally posted by frin:

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Originally posted by Chorister:
I can't see any reason why you can't attend each other's churches occasionally

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I can. Wood has left their previous church. I don't easily see how he can now attend there occasionally - unless it changes.

'frin

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Originally posted by mdijon:

If both partners are going to make lists of priorities, "wife" needs to be at the top of the husband's list, and "husband" at the top if the wife's list.

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Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
Because, at the end of the day, church is not that important.

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Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
Because, at the end of the day, church is not that important.

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I disagree.

Back when I was at uni, a figure I heard a few times was that 10 years after graduation, 50% of us would have left the faith. I haven't go to 10 years yet and thankfully, I doubt quite half of my Christian friends will have apostatised by then, but it's got to the point where it really isn't funny anymore. Several good friends have given up on faith, and several more have the faith of a train wreck - and with one exception, the problem (or at least my diagnosis of it) is some variation on not putting the time into sharing fellowship with other Christians.

Going to church is really important because you are nourished and taught, and you are reminded that you're not in this alone, there are your Christian brothers and sisters alongside you. If you're out in the world, you hear the world's answers to Christian problems - you need to regularly hear Christians' answers to those same problems, or else your mind will inexorably be conformed to the world's way of thinking. I don't mean to be legalistic here - there's no "you must get your dose of magic Jesus bread once a week" - but pragmatically, fellowship and worship is vital to keeping your mind focussed on God.

We all have complaints about our churches but these are like complaints about flatmates or family - we'd still prefer to have them with all their foibles, rather than live alone. It breaks my heart to see friends leave the faith, and doubly so when the reasons are so consistently recognisable and repetitive.

So yeah, church is important. Stick with it
 

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Posted by Twilight (# 2832) on :
 

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Originally posted by mdijon:
My problem with that approach is that it treats husband and wife as individuals. It sends the message that the husband's problem is one of his principles, and the wife's problem is of wanting to be with her husband.

In fact both partners share both problems equally.

At worst it might appear to turn the marriage into an issue of power - in this instance I have power to drive the bargain, because my need for a different church can be effected whether or not you come with me, but your need to be with me requires you to come to the church I want to go to.

If both partners are going to make lists of priorities, "wife" needs to be at the top of the husband's list, and "husband" at the top if the wife's list.

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Originally posted by Dinghy Sailor:

quote:

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Originally posted by Schroedinger's cat:
Because, at the end of the day, church is not that important.

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I disagree.

Back when I was at uni, a figure I heard a few times was that 10 years after graduation, 50% of us would have left the faith. I haven't go to 10 years yet and thankfully, I doubt quite half of my Christian friends will have apostatised by then, but it's got to the point where it really isn't funny anymore. Several good friends have given up on faith, and several more have the faith of a train wreck - and with one exception, the problem (or at least my diagnosis of it) is some variation on not putting the time into sharing fellowship with other Christians.'

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quote:

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Originally posted by Dinghy Sailor:
Going to church is really important because you are nourished and taught, and you are reminded that you're not in this alone, there are your Christian brothers and sisters alongside you.

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Originally posted by Dinghy Sailor:
If you're out in the world, you hear the world's answers to Christian problems - you need to regularly hear Christians' answers to those same problems, or else your mind will inexorably be conformed to the world's way of thinking.

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Originally posted by mdijon:
I think both partners have to give in.

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Originally posted by Twilight:

You seem to think this list of priorities is a list of what matters most in my life and not a list of what qualities we prefer (even need) in a church. I love my husband but he doesn't top all my lists for every single one of my activites and I'm certainly not topping all of his, thank God. I'd hate to see my name on the top of his list of yard chores.

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Originally posted by anoesis:

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Originally posted by mdijon:
I think both partners have to give in.

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Ahh, yes, compromise - the process by which no-one gets what they actually want. Still, if someone's going to be miserable, perhaps its best for everyone to be equally miserable, together...

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Originally posted by anoesis:

quote:

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Originally posted by mdijon:
I think both partners have to give in.

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Ahh, yes, compromise - the process by which no-one gets what they actually want. Still, if someone's going to be miserable, perhaps its best for everyone to be equally miserable, together...

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We all have complaints about our churches but these are like complaints about flatmates or family - we'd still prefer to have them with all their foibles, rather than live alone.

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She also, however, believes strongly that we should be going to the same church. Like really strongly.

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Originally posted by mdijon:
If both partners are going to make lists of priorities, "wife" needs to be at the top of the husband's list, and "husband" at the top of the wife's list.

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Originally posted by Twilight:
So based on your list, I should just forget all about my spiritual needs...

Sorry, I am an individual and not just my husband's band groupie.

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Originally posted by mdijon:
I think both partners have to give in.

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Originally posted by anoesis:
Ahh, yes, compromise - the process by which no-one gets what they actually want. Still, if someone's going to be miserable, perhaps its best for everyone to be equally miserable, together...

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Originally posted by anoesis:

quote:

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Originally posted by mdijon:
I think both partners have to give in.

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Ahh, yes, compromise - the process by which no-one gets what they actually want.

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Originally posted by anoesis:
It is possible that you have your causality the wrong way around here, and that you are still in church BECAUSE you feel nourished and taught by it, and your friends are not, because they didn't, and it got to the point where they were a bit too tired and demoralised to get up and put the happy face on every Sunday morning.

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Originally posted by Dinghy Sailor:
If you're out in the world, you hear the world's answers to Christian problems - you need to regularly hear Christians' answers to those same problems, or else your mind will inexorably be conformed to the world's way of thinking.

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This is so alarming I don't quite know where to start with it. It's a step further than 'you need to hang out with people who think like you so you can have your opinions validated', which would be bad enough.

Have a look at the following [real] scenario and tell me if my problem is that my mind has been inexorably conformed to this world...

Setting: discussion on why earthquakes happen (after Christchurch earthquake).
Room divided between 'it is because humanity is fallen, and the earth itself was affected by the fall', and 'it is a message from God that we need to rely on Him for the things that are really important'. You are asked for your opinion. You say that you think that earthquakes are pretty much an inevitable feature of a planet with tectonic plates, so asking WHY it happens is not very helpful. Perhaps instead we could discuss HOW we are supposed to respond to it. Silence falls. You realise you are the only person in the room who thinks that earthquakes are just things that happen, rather than are divinely caused. In a mainstream Anglican church. Hoo... uncomfortable.

But yeah, I'm sure that ultimately I left because I wasn't prepared to put enough effort into sharing and fellowshipping...

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Originally posted by the long ranger:
@Wood, maybe she should go back and see what reception she gets. It might not be favourable.

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We haven't yet decided how we will deal with these issues when the time comes for me to be ordained into a pastorate.

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Dyfrig may have more wiggle room in relation to where he worships on a Sunday as he’s a clergy husband and that role comes with a different set of expectations.

The universal expectation for clergy wives seems to be that they’ll be where their husband is on a Sunday to “support him in his ministry”. If they want something over and above that, will go elsewhere discretely during the week. Of course, the hidden assumption is that the clergy wife is some kind of uber-Christian who can leap tall steeples in a single bound, reads the Bible in both the original Greek and Hebrew and is completely and utterly “sound”… I fail at this on so many levels and haven’t tried out the going somewhere else during the week due to an excess of sloth.

Tubbs
 

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Posted by mdijon (# 8520) on :
 

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Originally posted by anoesis:
Room divided between 'it is because humanity is fallen, and the earth itself was affected by the fall', and 'it is a message from God that we need to rely on Him for the things that are really important'. You are asked for your opinion. You say that you think that earthquakes are pretty much an inevitable feature of a planet with tectonic plates, so asking WHY it happens is not very helpful. Perhaps instead we could discuss HOW we are supposed to respond to it. Silence falls.

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Originally posted by the long ranger:
@Wood, maybe she should go back and see what reception she gets. It might not be favourable.

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Originally posted by Matt Black:
HTF does that work??

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Studiously avoiding the topic is the key - I'm not suggesting it would work for normal couples.
 

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Posted by Wood (# 7) on :
 

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Originally posted by mdijon:

I go to church not because I need to have opinions validated, but because I need to have some contact with people who care about the same things that I do. I would feel isolated otherwise, and I expect would inevitably stop caring or feel about despondent about caring.

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Originally posted by mdijon:
I can't see that;

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Originally posted by mdijon:
If both partners are going to make lists of priorities, "wife" needs to be at the top of the husband's list, and "husband" at the top of the wife's list.

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leads to

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Originally posted by Twilight:
So based on your list, I should just forget all about my spiritual needs...

Sorry, I am an individual and not just my husband's band groupie.

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I could see that reaction if I hadn't made the priority listing reciprocal, but I did. It doesn't work if it's only one-way.

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Originally posted by Wood:

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Originally posted by the long ranger:
@Wood, maybe she should go back and see what reception she gets. It might not be favourable.

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She has gone back a few times now, and she has been made very, very welcome.

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That sounds fine. From experience though, you'd need to watch for any undermining of you both as a couple from members of the church, if there is some past history. It shouldn't happen, but then when did church members become perfect?
 

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Posted by PaulBC (# 13712) on :
 
As to partners going to different churches .Well I am a"poor wretched bachelor and have no opinion " apolgies to C.Dickens "A CHRISTMAS CAROL"
But as the importance of church. In my experience it should be a place where you are in community, involved with people who believe as you do, more or less. Oh that my former Southern Baptist colleaques could see that one !!! I was confirmed Anglican then went Methodist then SBC in Canada but now I am back and feeling a lot better about church as a whole.
ANd yes I would encourage the developement of family prayers , the PB has a layout for them ,I must admit I read Morning Prayer and scripture daily and it helps focus how I look at the day, well 8 out of 10 times !!But
doing family prayers can I believe build
family conectedness .
Just keep plodding along believing .
 

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Posted by Deputy Verger (# 15876) on :
 
I like what Morgan said. I've known lots of inter-denominational and even inter-faith couples. In my own family of origin, mother took us to church/Sunday school until we rebelled, father only ever came to special occasions (weddings, funerals, maybe Christmas).

For me, any faith is better than no faith, and different social relationships at church are no more threatening than different social relationships at work. There is opportunity for sharing, crossover, visiting (even if that is one-sided in Wood's case), and opportunity for genuine individual personal fullfilment for both parties. And that can only be good for the marriage, if you define marriage as the union of two separate beings.

I also agree with the folk who emphasise talking about it, praying about it, together at home. Sadly, I think that is much more difficult than just getting on with it one Sunday at a time.
 

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Posted by Aravis (# 13824) on :
 
My husband is part-time organist in our parish church. I trained in this parish as a lay reader, but just over 5 years ago agreed to transfer my ministry to a neighbouring parish. On the whole we stick to our respective churches, but sometimes one of us will go to hear the other playing or preaching, and sometimes if neither of us is doing anything we actually go and sit through a service together (usually the church in my parish which I'm less involved with, as the style's probably the best compromise for us both).
This really hasn't been a problem for us. We're far more likely to have an interesting discussion of the sermon or hymns if we're comparing notes from different churches. I think it's worked better for friendships as well; my husband's less sociable and wears a hearing aid, so if we're somewhere together he tends to leave the conversations to me!
 

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Posted by Wood (# 7) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Chorister:

quote:

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Originally posted by Wood:

quote:

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Originally posted by the long ranger:
@Wood, maybe she should go back and see what reception she gets. It might not be favourable.

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She has gone back a few times now, and she has been made very, very welcome.

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That sounds fine. From experience though, you'd need to watch for any undermining of you both as a couple from members of the church, if there is some past history. It shouldn't happen, but then when did church members become perfect?

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quote:

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Originally posted by Tubbs:
The universal expectation for clergy wives seems to be that they’ll be where their husband is on a Sunday to “support him in his ministry”.

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Not this one!

Various reasons which are too tedious to get into here, but although they've once been to do with personality issues, more often it's been about practicality and wanting to be settled. At various times he's been rotating between a number of churches, but we felt it was best for both me and the Opuses to have one stable, settled, church family. So we found somewhere that works for us and committed to going there. Even now, the Ops and I sing in our church choir, and Mr B comes along when he doesn't have to be elsewhere - which works out at around once a month.

So (going back to the OP) my view, based on my experience is that going to separate churches can be a Really Good Thing. If there's an important spiritual principal involved that says otherwise, it's completely passed me by. And I'd love to hear how me going to the same church as Mr Beets when I always ended up wanting to hit the vicar over his head with a candlestick would have been better for me than going elsewhere. Or how Mr Beets & Op1 stopping attending church in our small village community to come to a city centre church with me would have been better for them. You do what works for you, and if separate churches helps you each draw closer to God, then that's not wrong in my view.

(I've waffled again. Sorry. This is why I don't normally post! )
 

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Posted by Matt Black (# 2210) on :
 
We will shortly experience a further problem: eldest son is aged 7 and like daughter goes to the local Catholic school. Next year his class go for First Holy Communion and he wants to do this with them. We're not entirely sure at this stage whether that's just because his friends are doing it or whether he really understands what FHC is and its potential implications for his future church loyalties and attendance, so further talking with him will be necessary, but presuming he does want to go ahead with FHC 'with knowledge aforethought' as it were, then that will create another potential schism in the family as I will take him to Mass and Mrs B will take the other two kids to the CofE gaffe...
 

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Posted by Tubbs (# 440) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Beethoven:

quote:

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Originally posted by Tubbs:
The universal expectation for clergy wives seems to be that they’ll be where their husband is on a Sunday to “support him in his ministry”.

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Not this one!

Various reasons which are too tedious to get into here, but although they've once been to do with personality issues, more often it's been about practicality and wanting to be settled. At various times he's been rotating between a number of churches, but we felt it was best for both me and the Opuses to have one stable, settled, church family. So we found somewhere that works for us and committed to going there. Even now, the Ops and I sing in our church choir, and Mr B comes along when he doesn't have to be elsewhere - which works out at around once a month.

So (going back to the OP) my view, based on my experience is that going to separate churches can be a Really Good Thing. If there's an important spiritual principal involved that says otherwise, it's completely passed me by. And I'd love to hear how me going to the same church as Mr Beets when I always ended up wanting to hit the vicar over his head with a candlestick would have been better for me than going elsewhere. Or how Mr Beets & Op1 stopping attending church in our small village community to come to a city centre church with me would have been better for them. You do what works for you, and if separate churches helps you each draw closer to God, then that's not wrong in my view.

(I've waffled again. Sorry. This is why I don't normally post! )

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quote:

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Originally posted by Matt Black:
I believe that compromise is an essential feature of a healthy marriage.

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